CheapShow - Ep 12: The CheapShow CreepShow

Episode Date: October 31, 2015

Guests: Hadron Gospel Hour Podcast and Ash Frith It's our horror Halloween special! In this spooky episode Paul and Eli find themselves staying over night in RavensPoint Manor, owned by the mysterious Bobby Bollocks! Can they survive the night? Before the night is over, they will meet a strange old man with a room full of curious, discover a cassette tape from Hell, try out some disgusting Trick or Treat candy, hear a mysterious message from beyond the grave (Ash Frith), hear some useful facts about funerals and ultimately one of them will find a gruesome end! Join us for a night of terror - and maybe a few cheap gags! Err.. BOO! So listen, enjoy, download, subscribe to "CheapShow" Follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow or @elisnoid You can follow Ash Frith on @ashfrith And a big thank you to Rich Wentworth and Michael McQuilkin from The Hadron Gospel Hour Podcast for their time and talent with their cameo Visit our lovely website for more podcasts www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, join us on Facebook - just look for "The CheapShow"! If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Share, Comment... all that jazz! Subscribe to us on Stitcher or iTunes and get fortnightly geeky fun WARNING *Show contains strong language and adult material

Hello. The audio footage you are about to hear was discovered on a tape in an abandoned manor house deep in the English countryside. You will hear two voices on this tape. One of those people is now missing and the other was brutally murdered. This footage is all that remains of that last fateful night at Ravenspoint Manor. This is the Halloween edition of Cheap Show. Welcome to the Cheap Show Creep Show with Paul Gannon and Eli Silverman. So where is it, Paul? It's just... I swear to God, it's just around the corner. You've been saying that for the last two hours.

I'm not good with maps, and I brought the wrong one, so I've been basing our journey on the London Underground. Well, there's no Northern line here. No, there's not. But the point being is that it can't be that far away. I can see a light up ahead. Oh, it could be anything. It could be a street light. We've walked past that road a couple of times. It's cold. I'm wet. What are we even doing here?

What's this all about? I just thought for our Halloween special this year, we'd go on a little adventure. I might own a haunted house near Ravens Point, right? It's called Ravens Point Manor. That's the name of the house we're going to, right? What's the point? Where's Ravens Point? It's meant to be haunted, right? What's a point? What kind of geographical feature is a point?

It's on top of a hill. It's like a point, is it? Yes. I've never heard of anything so stupid. So who's your mate? My mate, his name is William Bollocks. He used to be a comedian. Oh, yeah?

In the 80s, yeah. His name was Bobby Bollocks. Bobby Bollocks? Did you hear about him? Don't look into it. It's a dark past. All right, so he's okay now, is he? Yeah, but he owns this house, and he said it's been haunted,

and he was on that telly show, Britain's Haunted. Oh, yeah? Yeah, and, you know, he got a bit of money off that. So anyway, I know him from doing a few things. I've done ghost hunts in the past, and I just thought it'd be nice to hang out, you know, and he'll let us use the house for a night. And then what are we going to do?

We're going to look for ghosts? Yeah. Ghosts aren't real. No, but we're going to give it the old British try, aren't we? We're going to go in there, and we're going to have a lovely time, just you, me, in the dark, playing with my gadgets. Oh, God. And we'll have a lovely night, and you, me, in the dark, playing with my gadgets. Oh, God. And we'll have a lovely night and you don't need to worry about it, all right?

All right. Just a cheap and easy way to bang out a Halloween special. Yeah. All right? Well, it hasn't been so easy up to now, has it? I'm cold. Look, just shut up. The nuts are chafing.

Oh, right, yeah, OK, you move. Let's not talk about that. No. Let's not talk about that. No, let's not talk about that. There it is. Oh. Oh, look at it, Paul. Oh, you're nuts. Yeah, they look very raw. No, not my nuts. The house. There it is. Why are you talking like that? I'm being dramatic! There it is, Paul. What?

The house. Where? Oh, God, yeah. Oh, wow. Look at that. Look at those gargoyles. What? The house. Oh, God, yeah. Oh, wow. Look at that. Look at those gargoyles. It's very gothic. No, that's just this very shiny window you're looking into. Because you look like a gargoyle. I look like a fucking tramp. You're an ugly little tramp.

I'm an ugly little tramp monster. Yeah, brilliant. Anyway. Eli Troll 2 Silverman. That's what my middle name is. Isn't it impressive? It looks the business, I have to say. It's got that gothic architecture like the Addams Family house, doesn't it?

It's got one of those darkened windows upstairs in the attic. It's very spooky. It's very spooky. Yeah, do you think it's haunted? No. Yeah, fair enough. Okay. So here's an interesting fact about this house.

So the house is built on an Indian burial ground, which is built on a plague pit, which is built on a portal to hell, which is built on an alien spacecraft, which is built on a lot of C90 found footage cassettes. Oh. I think it's very spooky. Is this where they dumped all the Atari haunted house games?

Yeah, they put all the Atari games there. There's every single Eli Silverman gag down there as well. The darkest, scariest, most horrible material. Oh, so it's got some providence, doesn't it? It does have some providence indeed. So it should be a good night. It could be really haunted, but what if they possess our mind? Wow, way to hang a lantern on that plot point.

Anyway, let's just... Move on! Let's just ring the doorbell. I just want to say, don't be calling me a tramp in front of the proprietor, okay? Because, you know... I know you don't like it, so I won't do it. Unified front.

We're in a professional podcast team. Okay? Stroke ghost hunters. Stroke my knob. Oh, yeah. Oh yeah. I'm gonna press the doorbell. I'm just gonna press the doorbell. Who the fuck are you?

Hello. My name's Paul Gannon and this is Eli Silverman, the hairy tramp, from the podcast Cheap Show. Listen, I haven't got any money. Just tell them I haven't got any money. I didn't see pound one from that fucking DVD, okay? I haven't got them downstairs in the basement. Oh, you're here for the ghost hunt?

Yeah, remember I emailed you about the ghost hunt Oh, sorry, yes, great, come in This, I tell you what, this house is fucking so haunted How haunted is it? It's brilliantly haunted You're not going to be disappointed Now, a few ground rules Right

Don't go in my room Why? Because it's my room and it's there's no ghosts in there but you said the whole house was haunted on the email well i thought we'd spend some time in your room just you know investigating under the bed in your drawers you will be not going on your laptop you know do a ghost on your laptop no you will not be doing any kind of investigations in my room okay that's the only place you're... No, that's fine. You're free to roam everywhere else, okay?

All right, that's fine. I get it. Okay, and I should tell you now, I mean, I don't know if you're planning on getting any sleep, but the bed has been shat in. Right. Okay? That's nothing to do with ghosts, really. No.

Eli, you've been silent. What do you think about this? Oh, hello, Mr Bollocks. Why don't you have a conversation with yourself, I mean, with Mr Bollocks, Eli? Oh, so you're Eli, the dirty little tramp? Yes, that's right. I'm Eli, the dirty little tramp. So, you're the brains I can see in this operation. Yes, that's right, and Paul's a dick. Yes, Paul does look like a total dick. Oh, look at

him with his big cherub face and his silly hair. Alright, you two come in. Thank you very much, Mr Bollocks. And Paul, behave yourself. Okay. Now, just make your way into this ornate, wood-panelled hallway and you can see there's some very macabre, stuffed

animals on the wall and there's the hand of old Jeremiah. He was my groundskeeper. And the award for best actor goes to Eli Silverman for the dual role of Bobby Bollocks and Eli Silverman in the Cheap Show podcast. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. So, we can't go in your bedroom.

Nope. What about the attic? You can go up there, but it's just got loads of old DVDs. Right. The basement? The basement's fine, and there is a lot of ectoplasm lying around. The kitchen? The kitchen.

Fix yourself a cup of tea, by all means, but don't use the best china. And finally, the toilet. The toilet is... I'd give it five minutes. Right. So, I'll be on me mobile. You got the number? Yeah, I do. If there's any problem, just call me.

I'll bring the cavalry, you know? Right. I've got friends who are in the local constabulary, and we can come down any problems, because, believe me, it's fucking haunted. Right. It's... I get the gist. It's fucking haunted I get the gist

it's like Eli gets the gist too I get the gist too Mr Bollocks good Eli yes this is so sad to listen to but moving the plot along alright ok good so good lads you do a good ghost hunt

you bastards and I'll see you later I'm walking off now. Right, I'm just going to turn this off. See ya! Bye! I'm just going to turn this off. Right.

It's right back on. It's back on. So it is 11.30 at night on October 21st, 2015. We're now in the house alone. Bobby has now gone he's gone I saw him drive off yeah in our car

well that's the problem that is the problem I don't know why our car was just there we were walking around the woods for two hours apparently you know

it was quite a circular road it was a circular road that's what I was walking around the house for hours we've just been walking it's that something do you know what Paul

I think it does something to your mind this place yeah I can know what you mean it's kind of weird and unsettling isn't it I something do you know what Paul I think it does something to your mind this place yeah I can know what you mean it's kind of weird and unsettling isn't it I feel like you know our car was just there

it was just down the drive but then somehow we got lost I know it's some kind of time warp or something around here or something of that nature I remember I was using

the circle line as a guide oh yes that's probably why yes so that probably explains you kept saying Earl's Court yeah

and then the point being is that we got lost and now we're here we're all alone locked in have you got all the equipment

yeah I've got all the equipment I've got a tape recorder I've got the tape recorder here we're talking into it hello hello

hello good that works and my little EVP meter over there is flashing away my EVP meter just so you know

is a little machine that measures if ghosts are nearby or fuse boxes EVP meter over there is flashing away. EVP meter, just so you know, is a little machine that measures if ghosts are nearby or fuse boxes. Good for that as well, isn't it? Yeah,

it's a little machine basically that picks up EVP in the electromagnetic EMP, EVP. I don't really know. You don't know

what you're talking about, do you? No, no. So what, it just picks up ghosts? So what, that little arrow

goes to the top that means ghost. Or fuse box. Have you ever come across a haunted fuse box? Now, you see that's the paradox because I would never know

if it was haunted. That's a really good question actually. I bet you that's probably what your modern day ghost does to avoid detection. He hides in fuse boxes.

He hides in wires. Very clever. He hides in fuse boxes. He hides in wires. It's very clever. He hides in generating plants. There must be a hive of the undead. Living in our generators. All coming through our radios. Into our ears and eyes. Oh, you're giving me the willies. Oh, I've got a willy. So anyway, EMP emp k2 meter over there okay that's working fine if you got like one of those those traps no because that's ghostbusters proton pack no that's ghost what they're not real what do you mean they're not real they're not real you can't actually i want a laser thing i want a laser thing and have we got one no so what do you want what do you want to do is anything cool about this or you get a notebook and there's a camera.

That's not cool. A little camera. It takes pictures. Every time you think you see a ghost, you put the flash on. Do we have a walkie-talkie? You've got phones. This is awful. It's not.

This is what ghost hunters do, right? So we haven't got night vision goggles because that's expensive and I couldn't be arsed to buy the special edition of duty box set to get them um uh we can't get a laser grid because they're costly so what we've got a bloody fuse box detector and a tape recorder basically and the notebook and dowsing rods i got those dowsing rods but that's for water so we could tell if there's a fuse box or a stream in here but no how are we going to tell if there's a ghost? Well, we'll have to be careful. But as I say, get a camera out, take a flash. But before you take a picture, you've got to shout flash

so people know there's a bright light. Because it's in the dark. You won't be able to see and you'll get blinded light. So be careful. You have to shout flash. Try it. Flash. Ah.

Every time I heard that on ghost on every time every time every time on a ghost on that's what they say before you take a picture because it's dark please make sure you say flash and so what happens is ever goes and then later on in the day you walk around this when we get to the camera and they go flash and 20 people go and you go and then it happens three or four more times and then and no one's going they're all going yes kill me kill me now yeah um anyway so yeah that so we got that that's our basic ghost hunting equipment okay and where do we start what what do we do what do we do i thought we'd split up like every good, we should not stay together in safety. We'll turn off all the lights, we'll have a tape recorder each,

and we'll split up. Okay. All right? Yes. All right. So it is now 11.33pm. Signing off. Signing off.

Signing off. Oh, I tell you what, before we split up, here's what we should do. What? We'll put a tape recorder here, we'll leave it in the living room. What for? Just to record for ghosts. so as we're out the room if any ghosts come by and they may go

you know if they say anything we'll hear them okay we might not be able to hear them all the time oh so I'm going to leave a tape recorder running

okay alright fine so Paul Gannon EVP session starting now recording about this is Paul Gannon

it is 11.40pm on the night of the 21st of October I'm at Ravens Point Manor and I'm just doing some exploring Eli's gone elsewhere, he's gone I think downstairs but I've decided to go upstairs and explore the rooms that are

open, just check the door no one's locked. Just check the door. No, it's locked. Let's check the door. I mean, it's really spooky in here. It's kind of oppressing. It's almost like if the Disney's Haunted Mansion started getting depressed. It looks like that. It's grim and there are weird pictures on the walls of very stern looking sad people they all look like Eli I had him look over you all the time oh hello there's a little door what's this say on the door here room of curios oh I'm gonna have a look in is open it Ooh. I'm going to have a look in. It's open.

It's open. Right, I'm going in. I'm going into the Room of Curios. Ah, hello. I've been waiting for you. Hmm. Yes, come to see the Curios, have you? Hello?

What are you doing here? I thought we were alone here. No, no, no. I'm the man with the curios. Yes, I've got all sorts of stuff. Lovely stuff, lovely, lovely items for you to come and have a look at. Would you like to look at one of my items? Seriously, what are you doing in my mate's house?

I thought we were locked in. Listen, you listen to me. You don't tell anyone about this or else there'll be very grave consequences. Now, do you want to see some curios or not? I would very much like to see your curios. I have all sorts of little novelty items. Right. Trinkets.

Hmm. Little toys and games. Objet d'or? I have objet jar, job job jar. Oh, good then. I'd love to see them. So what's going on here? Do I have to stop there?

Now, all of the items you will see tonight... Yeah? ...are haunted. Ooh. Or in some way macabre. Do you have any proof that these items are haunted? I don't need fucking proof. OK?

So I'll play along. You play along. Yeah. And come here. Yeah. Do I have to guess the price of these things? Yes. It's funny because that's very similar to something we do in our podcast.

It's very similar thematically to... I just thought I'd awkwardly point that out. Now, if you guess the price of my curios... Yeah. ...the ghosts will be banished. That's why you have to guess the price. Oh, right, the ghosts that we haven't found yet. That's the... Well, the ghosts in the Oh, right, the ghosts that we haven't found yet. That's the...

Well, the ghosts in the curios, in the objects. You know what? For the sake of this Halloween special, I'm going to go along with this. Go along with it. All right. So I've got lovely little things to show you. All right, let's get it on.

So let's go for the first thing, OK? Yes. You ready? Mm-hm. Now, this is a haunted Super Bowl trademark. Bouncing ball. Right, so let's have a look at this. It's a Super Bowl.

What's haunted? What's spooky about it? It was used by a little child. Right. Who died. Oh, boy. Ghostly. And it was found by his body.

And people say it tries to return to the place in New York where he died. The ball? If you bounce it, yes. So if I bounce this ball, it'll go to New York? It will bounce forever. To New York? To New York. I don't buy that.

Well, give it here. Listen, this is very haunted, this Super Bowl. Right. This is one of the original bouncy ball trademarks. I believe kids used to play with these in the 1950s. Right. It's a lovely item. It's a lovely little black ball.

It's very hard. It's harder than you average. It's very tough rubber, isn't it? It's vulcanised. Yes. Ooh! It's extremely bouncy. Do you mind if I bounce it?

Well... Only a little bounce. I don't want to obviously send it to New York. I'll give it a little bounce. Okay, give it a little bounce. See, it's trying to go to New York. Now, if you put that on the compass point and you map it out, the way it was going, it'd be directly to New York.

Do you think? It's haunted, I tell you, young man. I've got a compass in my bag. Should we give it a try? Yeah, give that a try. Compass out, point it, here we go. There you go. See, the compass reads New York. No, it doesn't. It says south.

Which is, New York is south of here. Is it? Yes. I can't prove that. You might have me. Now. Right. If you want to release the tormented soul of little Johnny... I thought it was a little girl. No, I never said what gender it was. I'd have to go back and listen to this recording.

It was a little boy. Right. And he died. Sorry, I'm laughing, but... Yes, why are you laughing at me? I'm very emotional right now. Now, you must guess the price. I'm going to say that would cost...

maybe 50 shekels? It was... it was $10. Or $6, something like that. Actually, it was $6? It was $6, yes. $6 for that? It's a brand. It doesn't even bounce very well.

No, because it's hard. You give it a good thwacking and it goes miles, I tell you. It's a nice item, that, and it's the nostalgia, I think, that people are paying for. The brand. People had this in their childhood. Superball. You know, it's like a space hopper or something. It has that kind of cachet. Well, my mate Eli, he's very smart. He could use this as a space hopper easily. Have you got any opinions on Eli? Have you ever met him? I don't know who you're talking about.

Oh, interesting. Now, that's a lovely little thing. Yeah. And you didn't guess the price, so that will remain haunted. I'll put it back in my little cabinet of curios. Now, are you ready? Yes, let's get on to the second one. The second piece.

Oh, this is a lovely little novelty item I have for you. Now, this is a Day of the Dead-themed hand warmer. Oh, my God! Yes, it's like a Mexican Day of the Dead festival skull, and it's in a nice... It's called Hot Pack. Yes, and I like the kind of Day of the Dead... Day of the... I don't know. Design.

Yes, it's like a colourful psychedelic skull. It's like, what is it, Mardi Gras, almost. Well, it's similar, I believe, I don't know. Anyway, here it is, and ooh! It's a lovely little thing. This was owned by a tragic widow. And her husband died in the Mexican Civil War, I believe there was one.

Chance is a good one. And she was very cold one night. Yeah. So she found this hand warmer and it is said... Yeah? It is said that when you activate the hand warmer by putting it in boiling water and reactivating it, the ghost of her husband comes through the heat and conducts itself into your very mind stem.

Again, I'm not particularly... I'm not... I'm not particularly impressed, but let's have a look at it. It's a hand warmer. OK, now... With a skull printed on it. Yes.

Doesn't look very haunted. I doubt I'm going to see the dead husband. You see him. If you activate the hand warmer, you sit there for a minute, and so it has been told and said of it that when you do such a thing, so it's said and told...

Yes. ..he enters your mind and says, Hey, hello, darling. I like that. All right, OK. Hello, darling, I'm at the war. Or something... To that effect. To that effect, yes. So it's a lovely little item.

You really need to work on your Mexican accent. Well, listen, I'm... As a friend. I'm Tim the Curious Man, and I don't need to do a fucking accent, OK? Right, OK, so I'm going to say this was about... I'm going to say... ..like, £2? Well, you could be right,

but I've got no fucking clue it was a gift. So there's no way we're going to release the ghost from that one. It's a shame. But it's a lovely little thing and it's very colourful and you can reuse it and it comes in its own little... Did the old lady give you that as a gift? What old lady?

The one who was haunted by the husband Oh no, she's dead I picked this up at a convention in Germany OK, good OK, so what's the third and final haunted item? Now you're going to absolutely love this. This is a lovely little item. It's a lovely little thing.

This is... Wait for it. This is the Happy Meal Scooby-Doo the Movie movable monkey claw thing. Is it haunted? Oh yes.

Does it grant wishes? Yes. Like a monkey's paw? No, it just grabs. It's not like one of those magic monkey's paws. It's something sort of... It just grabs. It's like a yeti's claw.

Could I use this to maybe grab the ball? Can I just see if this monkey hand will grab the ball? I want to see if the monkey hand will grab the ball. It's very interesting. So, it's a little plastic monkey's paw with purple fingers. And it's got a green handle. And when you squeeze it, it makes a gripping action. So I'm going to grab the ball now. Just a bit of fun, really. It's not picking it up. There's nothing on the palm to grab it. Let me try it, Sonny.

It's not a very good... I'll give this a go, Sonny Jim. No, that's not... It's not working. It's not working at all. But, oh, the monkey claw. Oh, the curio of the monkey claw. Look at the claw.

So far, I'm really unimpressed with this Halloween special. Well, just guess the price. It's about... It's a Happy Meal toy, so it's a quid. You told me it was a Happy Me Halloween special. Well, just guess the price. It's about... It's a Happy Meal toy, so it's a quid. You told me it was a Happy Meal toy. How is it a quid? It's when you go into a... Last time...

You can go into McDonald's and just go buy a toy without buying the Happy Meal, and it'll cost you a quid. What? Yeah. You actually have to get the all-fulfilled food that comes with it. I did not know that. Yeah. I'll be off down McDonald's straight away.

Or other fast food restaurants that do happy toys. Meals. Anyway, it's a lovely little thing. You didn't guess the price of any of my curios. A bit of a pointless exercise, you might say. So what happens now? Well now, I put them back and they remain haunted forever. That's good for you then, isn't it? Helps trade and business. Well, I don't get it. They weren't haunted anymore. What would you do? I'd be free.

Oh. I'd be free from my incarceration in this little room of curios. What keeps you here, old man? Well, I get fed. So you can leave any time? I could leave, yes. Well, why don't you? I like the curios.

Oh, I'm just going to go. All right, then. Mind if I lock the curios. Oh, I'm just going to go. All right, then. I might have locked the door behind me as well. Oh. Right, all right. I like the monkey claw. I like it. It's good for wanking.

What a waste of time. I'm going to turn this off. I'm going to go somewhere else. I don't know what Eli's up to. Signing off. I'm going to go somewhere else. I don't know what Eli's up to. Signing off. Okay. Time now is 11.52pm. And Eli Silverman here.

I'm looking for ghosts. I mean, I don't believe there's anything. I mean, it's just boring, isn't it? Pointless. Well, I'm in the basement here at Ravens Point Manor. And it's quite a large basement. There's lots of boxes. Let's have a little look in one of these.

Oh, yeah, there's a bunch of DVDs in there. There's Bobby Bollocks live at Southampton Pavilion. And then there's some more. Oh, there's some old VHSs in here. Bobby Bollocks, I Shat the Bed. And that's some more of these. Wow, he's got lots of these old DVDs. Nothing really very macabre or haunted about any of this.

Oh, there's some old Kettles. DVDs. Oh, hang on. Oh, this is interesting. This is a cassette. An old C60. And, uh... Oh, it says Hell Tape on it. Now that could be...

could be something perhaps to do with the history of this haunted place. I just need to listen to it. There's nothing for me to listen to it on. Oh, hang on. Oh, now that is lucky. That's a whole box of Walkmans. Oh, but they need batteries.

Oh, batteries. Oh, hang on. Here's another box. It's got loads of fresh batteries in. Oh, this is a great basement. Oh, I just need headphones. I didn't bring any headphones. Paul must have.

Paul's always got some headphones. Oh, hang on. Here's a box of headphones. Oh, let's need the headphones. I didn't bring any headphones. Paul must have... Paul's always got some headphones. Oh, hang on. Here's a box of headphones. Oh, let's give this a listen. This could scare you. Here's the email. Dear Art Bell, I just recently began listening to your radio show

and could not believe it when you talked about the sounds from Hell Tonight. My uncle had told me this story a couple of years ago, and I didn't believe him. Like one of your listeners who discounted the story as nothing more than just a religious newspaper fabricated account. The story about the digging and hearing of the sounds from hell is very real. It did occur in Siberia.

My uncle collected videos and so forth on the paranormal, supernatural. He passed away fairly recently. But he would have loved your show. He let me listen to one of the audio tapes that he had on The Sounds from Hell in Siberia, and I copied it. He received his copy from a friend who worked at the BBC. It took me a while to find it tonight, but attached is that sound from my uncle's tapes.

It's not the greatest quality, but the sounds are there. I was very hesitant to send you this, as the sound bothers me to listen to. I'd suggest that if you do play it on the program, warn listeners in advance so they may have the option of turning the radio off for 30 seconds while it plays. It has always haunted me. To those who discounted the Siberia sounds from Hell's Story, it is true, and I, for one, wish it wasn't. Rick, listening from Chicago. And so I submit now they cleaned a better copy to you, and I warn you, what you are about to hear is very disturbing indeed. Well, that was interesting.

Oh. You know what? That story seems to have affected my... I don't feel normal. I feel strange. It's affecting my thoughts. This might have something to do with something that might happen later. Who knows? It is now just coming up to midnight on the night of the 21st of October.

My name is Paul Gannon. I'm still in Ravenspoint Manor. I'm now in the kitchen. I went to a room full of curios and found a very peculiar man. May need to tell Bobby about that in the morning. Nothing much going on. Most of the rooms were locked.

Oh, hello. Oh, hello. Where have you been? I was in the basement. Find any ghosts? Well, I did find some tapes. I listened to a tape and it had a strange thing on it.

What was on it? Some kind of strange little story. Did it have any psychological, supernatural effect on your brain that may come in quite important later on in the story? Absolutely not. Oh, OK, good. So, I thought, you know, it's her midnight snack, right? Oh, yeah, I'm starving.

Yeah. What have we got, sandwiches? No. We got fruit? No. I thought, you know, it's her midnight snack, right? Oh, yeah, I'm starving. Yeah. What have we got? Sandwiches? No. We got fruit? No. I got sweets. Oh, God. It's a bit early for a trick-or-treat, but I got some candy.

And because we're doing ghost hunting, I got Ghostbusters candy. Oh, mate. You're going to love it. I thought we'd give them all a try. Okay. So we'll start off with these. What have we got here? You know in Ghostbusters,

they have the Stavepuff Marshmallow Man? Yes. And it was a fake brand invented for the film. It wasn't a real brand? No, it was basically marshmallows and the logo was a big marshmallow man. I wonder if there's ever been any kind of branded marshmallows with some kind of marshmallow character.

I don't know, like the Pilbys Doughboy and stuff. Or the Peanut Man with the top hat. Oh, what's he called? Mr. Peanuts. I think he's just called Mr. Peanut, isn't he? You know what I like? Johnny Walker. The booze guy?

Yeah. Was he on the bottle? Yeah. Really? Who's the Peanut Man? He's not a peanut. Yeah, he is. He's a big peanut, or a big elephant nut,

or whatever they call him, isn't he? And he's got monocle and top hat. An elephant nut? What do they call those nuts that you give to elephants? Monkey nuts. You give monkey nuts to elephants?

They're called monkey nuts, yeah. You give them to elephants? Why not call them elephant nuts? Because that would... It just has the wrong connotation, I think. But throwing monkey nuts around is fine. They're known as monkey nuts. The point being is that

one of them wears a top hat. Oh yeah. What's he called? Mr. Peanut. I think he might be called that or Lord Peanut. Lord. He's a lord, isn't he? He's got a monocle, doesn't he? I bet someone's going to listen to this and go, I know who this is! You're getting it wrong!

Well, at least someone would be listening. Yeah. This could be an important document. Not a bad thing. So, anyway, the point is I've got Stay Puft quality marshmallows. Now, look at the bag. There's a great big marshmallow man. It's got the Stay Puft marshmallow man. Stomping all over New York City. So, this is strange because it's like they invented a brand for the movie,

and then the movie was popular, and the brand comes into existence. I think there's been, Stay Puft Marshmallows in the past I can't imagine there's not been someone doing Stay Puft Marshmallow in the last 30 years in some form

since the movie but this is certainly brand new for this Halloween let's have a taste I'm not a huge fan of marshmallows I don't hate them but they're not

a big keen fan they're just there have you ever had a roasted marshmallow? No. I bet that's nice though, isn't it? Yeah. They get all sticky and...

I can't roast them in this house. So anyway, it is a vanilla flavoured marshmallow shape. It's just a little white marshmallow. It's like a... You can't smell much. But smell the bag. No, I'm getting a strong vanilla. It smells more in the bag than it does in the vanilla. All right, let's try it. It's all right, isn't it?

It's exactly what I thought it was going to taste like. Quite nice, the vanilla flavour. Not too strong. It's quite subtle. Nice. That's not a bad marshmallow. It's not, actually. That's what it is. I've had marshmallows that are worse than this. They've got that in the pound land.

That's not... It's all right, isn't it? I bet they're nice toasted as well. What do you toast them with? You stick them on a chopstick. Yeah. And then you put them in a fire. And then can you dip them in chocolate?

Do what you like with them. You've got to be careful, though, because they can burn. I won't let that happen. If you do it too much, it drips and burns. You want to get it just nicely toasted. It's a bit melty. But it's also the brown. Yeah, they were nice.

Very nice. For a quid. I'll give that 7 out of 10. I'd give that 7 out of 10. It's a confident flavour. Right, so I've got another bag of Stay Puft. But these are small. And they're mini.

Pink and white vanilla flavoured. Have you ever had a pink flavoured thing? That's such crap. Unless it means pink and white vanilla flavoured. Yeah, that's what it is. It's just like they're trying to say it's vanilla. There's just two colours. That's what it is. It's just like they're trying to say it's vanilla. There's just two colours. Right, that's out of the bag. I've got a white and I've got a purple one.

They're just... I keep picking up white ones. Here you are, sir. So I've got a few little mini ones in my hand. These are very small marshmallows. Very small marshmallows. These are the kind of marshmallow you could give to a toy. Like a doll. In your hand, they must be huge.

Because you're small. And a tramp. I'm also a tramp. And a drunk, an alcoholic reprobate. Okay, so these are exactly the same. But smaller. These are useless. No, but these are for coffee, hot chocolate, whatever.

Oh, sprinkles. You get some... You know, cream. That's a good sound effect. Thank you. You pour it on your hot chocolate, you sprinkle some of the chocolate. Oh, it says on the back, ideal for home baking.

So, you know, we were wrong to mock. Yeah. It's just a bog standard item. They're fine for what they are. All right, so what else? I'd probably give that a six. I'll's just a bog standard item. They're fine for what they are. Alright, so what else? I'd probably give that a 6. I'll give it a 6 as well. I'll concur on that. Alright, so next

one is more Ghostbusters fun. And this one Oh wait, Dave, it's in my bag. It's in my bag. My Ghost Hunters bag. What have you got here? Ghostbusters Slimer Chocs. That doesn't sound appetising.

Not at all, does it? It is green cream flavoured chocolates. What is green cream? It's the worst album ever released in the 1980s by the pop band Magnify. Oh. I don't know. So, there's a little sweet for you.

It's got Slimer's face on it. Do you know what they look like suspiciously? Half a cream egg. The shape of them is like a tiny

mini cream egg. It's an egg shape which is nothing, which they've sort of cleverly, because Slimer's sort of an egg shape. He's got a kind of

potato-y shape. These are just something they've used. They use it for Easter, anything, don't they? Yeah, it's a little bag of chocolates in a little see-through bag. A little string bag. potato-y shaped thing. These are just something they've used. They use it for Easter, anything. Yeah, it's a little bag of chocolates in a little see-through bag.

A little string bag. You know, you usually get coins in a bag like this. Or satsumas. Or satsumas. Well observed. Thank you. So let's open this up. Inside, it's just a very plain-looking half-egg shape.

It's a half-egg-shaped chocolate. Very disappointing. They've not even drawn a Slimer on it. I would have liked to see some kind of slimer detailing. That would have been nice. So let us now move to the biting part. It's a mint, isn't it a mint flavour? The green? No I don't think it is. It's just like a cream egg flavour. It's not, it's worse than that it's like cheap chocolate with a green mystery goo in it

it's not even it's not even goo it's just like a creme yeah it's just a fondant that's what that is is a fondant they wouldn't say fondant

though would they they would alienate their ghost bus audience yeah not even fondants no one's gonna eat that's not too bad I would have liked the fondant to have

some kind of different, like a lime or a mint or something, but it's all just a chocolatey melange. I'm not a big fan of it. It's way too sweet in a kind of very artificial way. Very sickly. Sickly. In a creme egg kind of way, yeah? Let me just drink from my drink and wash my palate. So what we get

that's a that's a disappointing little item very disappointing I mean if you're going to throw it in a bag of trick or treat for the kids

and they have one or two of these I'm sure that's fine but they're making my teeth itch what do you mean I can't explain it oh you've dropped

the ghost hunting equipment oh sorry it's alright so what yeah they're quite cloying right so the slimer Drop the ghost hunting equipment. Oh, sorry. It's all right. So what... Yeah. I don't like them. They were quite cloying.

Right. So the Slimer Chocks, what are you going to give that? Three. Not a good item. If I was given that and that was my only trick or my treat from the trick or treat bag,

I wouldn't eat all of them. They'd just go in the bin. They'd go straight in the bin. That's awful. Right, we're moving on to our third and final. I'm starting to feel quite sick. Yeah. Should have brought a sandwich. That was your mistake. Oh, I should have brought a sandwich. they'd go straight in the bin it's awful right we're moving on to our third and final sick yeah should have brought a sandwich

that was your mistake oh I should have brought a sandwich I didn't say I was doing the catering for this ghost on well you would have thought that

Bobby Bollocks would put put something out for us there's no food in the kitchen at all I don't know what he's living off there's nothing in this kitchen

food wise nothing in the fridge nothing in the cupboards all that there is do you think he actually lives here I don't know what he's living off. There's nothing in this kitchen, food-wise. Nothing in the fridge, nothing in the cupboards. Do you think he actually lives here? I don't know. I'm not even sure if he's legally allowed to be in this house. It looks like this is just an empty house. There's a guy upstairs. Oh, yeah?

With a shelf full of curios and tat. Well, perhaps he's the real owner. He says he can't leave. Well, he says he can leave, but he gets fed. And now I'm thinking, how does he get fed? There's no food in the kitchen. Do you know what, Paul? There's something odd about this house. There's something strange going on in this house.

Every part of this house is like algebra. You don't know what the answer is, but all the clues are there. The clues are there now. But they're just runes. They're just ciphers. It's like the Voynich manuscript. It's a very nice reference.

Right, so here's our next Ghostbusters candy. Oh. Popping candy. Oh, yeah. There's two flavours. There's Slimer. Oh, we've had Slimer. But this is Popping Apple Candy.

Okay. And then there's the Ghostbusters logo flavour, which is just strawberry. Why is that strawberry? These arbitrary fruit decisions, do you know what I mean? It's because they have the average flavour for things, aren't they? Apple, strawberry, blackberry. Yeah, but Apple, they've gone for Apple because he's green.

Well they've gone for strawberry because the logo's red. They should have gone for vanilla. They could have gone for vanilla. The logo's red. They could have gone for vanilla or strawberry. Strawberry. Well they did. Or they could have gone with raspberry raspberry I guess, at a push.

Anyway, do you want to try the apple first? I'll try the apple. You try the apple. And you've got to make it go all of it in your mouth. All of it? Yeah, go on, do all of it. Okay. I can't open it. You've got to use your teeth. Okay, I'm in there. I'm in there.

Let's check the bouquet. Actually, a lot of it might be a lot. I'm going to do it though. Oh, okay. These smell strawberry-ish. In fact, they do remind me of popping candy from when I was a kid. Well, it's... Probably the exact same ingredients. Popping candy, yeah.

Okay, so I'm doing the whole lot, am I? You do the whole... Go on, do it. Apple. Here it goes. Here it goes. Ah. Wow.

What's the flavour like? Oh, God. It sounds like your mouth's on fire. It's very poppy. It is. I can hear it. It's not nice. It's just your standard apple flavour.

Your mouth's silent until you talk, and then it sounds like you've got static in your voice. Yeah, it's just a very cheap, nasty apple flavour. And of course a poppy, popping. So, I'll give that five. Alright, I'm going to do the strawberry one now. It could have needed more sherberty. There wasn't anything tangy about it. Oh, okay. Right, here we go. Strawberry downy one. How's that? It is absolutely horrible. It's not very nice, is it? Is it cheap flavours? It's not nice is it? Cheap flavours. It's strawberry.

It tastes like... Like panda pop strawberries. Yeah. Very weak. It's still popping. It keeps popping. If you're judging this on how poppy it is, they do good there. On a popping scale, nine. Yes, but in terms of flavour?

Three. I was going to say three. I'm going to try the apple one. You try the apple one. I kind of think the apple one will maybe... Be better? Wash the palate of the strawberry one. Mate, you can't wash your palate by just doing loads of different flavoured popping candy. Is it not like the red wine, white wine rule?

What's that rule? Where if you spill red wine on the floor, you pour white wine on it to soothe the stain. That's just a load of crap, isn't it? Here we go, apple. Oh, wow, this is worse. Worse than the strawberry, yeah? It's not very good, is it?

Because this not only is popping, but it feels like something's rotting in my mouth at the same time. It's a bad apple. That's not very nice at all. Oh, I can't drink a fizzy drink. It will accelerate the popping, probably. Has that accelerated the popping? It made it go all fizzy in my mouth Well So that was disappointing Right The marshmallow's winning so far

Right, so What else have we got? Oh, I'm going to have a I'm going to get diabetes You might do I've got a Fright Night 8-pack of witch's fingers. So this isn't Ghostbuster themed.

This is our first non-Ghostbuster Halloween themed. This is just generic Halloween candy from some piss... Oh, look at those. Look at those witch's fingers. Now, those are good. Now, do you know what's wrong with these witch's fingers? First of all, just so you know, it's a lollipop stick, but the lollipop is a big long green finger

with a red fingernail but you know what it looks like last year they had the mould for a skeleton finger and this year they decided to use the same mould and just put green

instead of white it's all very cheap it's like the like the shiner the slimer obviously just recycled easter egg things because they're egg shakes

yeah yeah so this is like Six months ago, that was probably Cheep Cheep's Chicken Treat Choc Egg. It's not a bad name for a brand, that. What? Cheep Trick's Chicken Egg Top?

No, no. Cheep Cheep's Chicken Egg Choc Treat. Chicken Egg Choc Treat. That's good. I like that. Cheep Cheep is the character. Hello, I'm Cheep Cheep. You eat my choc egg, it's come out me bum.

I've got off the idea now. Right, this witch's finger is very... It's phallic. Have you managed to get into your finger? I've split it. I've pulled the fracking back. Yes, it's very bony. Like, it's...

Anatomically, I mean, I don't know what a witch's finger's meant to look like, but this is basically a green... more like a green skeleton finger. It is. With a nail on it. Painted on in red. I'm going to give it a nibble. Give it a nibble. It is literally just sugar.

You know, one of those horrible dummies. There's no discernible flavour whatsoever. No flavour. What flavour is it meant to be? Oh, yeah, that's awful. Strawberry. Are you... Are you...

That, they should be done. Isn't that... It doesn't taste of anything, let alone strawberry. It just tastes like cheap, nasty, broken dreams. It's a giant lollipop shaped as a dummy you can get in Blackpool. Yeah, yeah. It's that kind of nasty. Oh, it's awful. Oh, that's awful. I will not be sucking any more witch's fingers today. I did not like that. But for the end, they've got a nice one. Those... Witch's fingers. Horrible.

Horrible. Are we going to give that a mark? Two. Oh, right, two. I wouldn't even give it two. We've been on agreement all the way through this, have you noticed? Wow. You know your stuff.

Yeah. Round Trees Randoms. Nice jelly bean brand. They've got a Halloween flavour. They're not a jelly bean brand. Oh, I meant jelly... Jelly brand. Jelly candy brand.

Gummy, I think is the official word. It's a gummy brand. It's a gummy.. Jelly brand. Jelly candy brand. Gummy, I think is the official word. It's a gummy brand. It's a Roundtree's alternative. And if I could say so myself, one of the best gummies available on the market. Yes, Roundtree's. Why don't you sponsor us? Up there with Haribo. Just as good.

There's a different kind of texture that I kind of like, which is unique to the randoms. Yes. You know what I mean? And you know Marks and Spencer's have their own texture in their Percy Pigs line. I don't think that's good. That's like the Red Bull version of Haribo, if you ask me. It's too tart. Too tart? Too tart.

I can't have a pig. But we did like randoms. Now, let's see. Ooh. Just smell the bag. Ooh. Chemically, right? That is very chemically.

It's like... That smells like... It pear drops. Yeah. It's like... That smells like... It pear drops. Yeah, it's like a pear drop factory fume. Yeah, yeah. Oh, you're getting high on that. Ooh. Ooh. Sniff the bag.

Sniff it. Right. Right, I'm gonna try a little white ghost. Have you got a ghost? What else? They're random, so let's see what they've got in there. Ooh, witch's hat. Ooh. Green skull.'s hat. Ooh. Green skull.

That's quite well modelled, actually, isn't it? Yeah, it is quite well put together. That's the other thing, it's a quality build. You know, this is much superior, basically. These fingers were like half done. Yeah. These are crafted. These are crafted sweets.

Look at that little ghost. Look at the detail on that ghost. It's brilliant. The little face. The ripples in the cloak. Have you tasted it? Yeah, it's very nice. Nice and sweet. Sweet in a good way.

That's a quality gummy. That's a quality gummy. Very nice. The scary... Was that knee? One. The scary one. Oh, the ghost is an O. Ah, I didn't even see that. Knee. I didn't see ghost is an O ah I didn't even see that knee I didn't see the that was an O

okay so I'll give those a solid 7 I'll give them an 8 because they're better than the marshmallows 8 alright well

good times man I'm starting to get a bit jittery off all this yeah I hope that doesn't affect your strange mental state I don't know I don't feel

I feel okay but oh you know what we should do let's go next door and get that tape and see if anything's found on the footage good idea

alright let's do that right turn it off right it's on it's like ten past midnight it's the 22nd of October nothing's happened

we've just got a massive sugar high I'm feeling Mate! Anyway so Right so let's check that cassette we left running at the top of the show Let's do that Paul Let's do it Check the cassette

Alright I'm just going to press play and see if any ghostly ghosts were caught on the tape Here we go, listen in So I'm going to leave the tape recording running. Okay. All right. Fine. So Paul Gannon, EVP session starting now.

Hello. I'm recording this in my basement while there's still time. I think the zombie apocalypse may be upon us. I don't know if you heard anything about the Aer Lingus flight from Ireland to Lisbon, when a man, bitter fellow passenger, was restrained and then died later in the flight. Well, I don't know. I'm no expert, but I think probably this is the first case of a zombie outbreak. Sure, the guy got off the plane the other end, the man who'd been bitten, and hasn't yet gone full zombie. But it's only a matter of time, surely, until we're hearing that zombies are breaking out across Portugal, Europe.

Luckily, we're safe here in England for now, but can zombies breathe underwater? Won't be long before they're here to gobble us up. Won't be long before they're here to gobble us up. I want to give you a special Halloween edition of my cheapest way to do things. Last month, you remember, it was all happy-go-lucky. Happy to talk about the cheapest way you can get married. Oh, it's not as upbeat and friendly this time. I've gone for a spooky funeral edition. Now, the cheapest way I thought that you could have a funeral, obviously cremation is now a very

popular way to have your funeral. But what if you don't need to go through the expenses? Because the average cost of a cremation and funeral in the UK is £3,456. Now, that is really pleasing on the eye because it's 3, 4, 5, 6, but you wouldn't care about that if it was your funeral because you'd be dead. Anyway, you don't want to eat into a huge chunk of your life savings. Think about poor little Timmy and how's he going to afford to pay himself through college if you're not going to leave him that kind of money? No. So instead of getting yourself cremated, I've decided the best way for you to go is spontaneous human combustion. Surely that's the cheapest

way to go. Spontaneous human combustion has been around since 1930s when the first case was announced, a woman who died. And since then, there has been over 200 cases worldwide. Now, that doesn't actually sound like that many cases of spontaneous human combustion, because it's not. I've looked into it a little bit. It seems that almost every one of the 200 people who have reportedly spontaneously combusted, they have all been smokers, and the majority of them had an open fire in their house. It turns out, all that happens is, something ignites an item of their clothing,

and due to their fat, their body fat, they burn like a candle until the clothing is burnt away. That's why you often find legs or arms or a head that is not combusted and the body is just completely dissolved. Sometimes it doesn't even mark the furniture they're sitting on. So that's a good way to go. If you wrap yourself in a blanket, maybe start smoking a pipe or some roll-ups. That could maybe burn you completely away. I looked at where the cheapest place to buy land is on Earth.

Because I think if you are going to buy a plot to bury yourself in, maybe going cheap, that would be good. If you want to stay close to home, the cheapest place to buy land in Europe is Hungary. So head yourself out that way, get a lovely view of the town. Maybe just before you die, go to Budapest or wherever. If you want to go a little bit further away, you're looking at Panama in South America. But for me, the place to buy a bit of land to chuck your old corpse in would be Cambodia, because it's only 50 cents a pint in Cambodia. Why not

go out there with your family, drink yourself to death, probably the way forward. I've looked at funerals in this country. There is actually a website called The Good Funeral Guide, which is, I wonder how much return custom that website gets. The owner of that site is called Charles Cowling. He has actually said that the way funerals are done in the UK is crap. Now, there's a man who you want to listen to. He's talking about a new thing called direct funerals where for £1,000 you can be picked up from your home

or hospital, cremated and delivered home within a couple of hours. No fuss, no ceremony, no bother. And you can do whatever you want with the ashes. So I thought what would I want my family to do with the ashes of me when I die and I found some lovely ideas. There are a few websites. This website is called Lifetime Hourglass Urns. You can have yours or even you and the loved ones ashes put inside an hourglass and your family can be reminded of their own mortality as your grains of ash fall from one end of the hourglass to the other, just like a ticking reminder of their loved ones and, like I say, their own mortality. One for Eli, maybe. You can now have your ashes turned into a vinyl

record so maybe you could have a recording of them you could have a recording of yourself maybe singing that song that your family all loved or maybe just a record saying oh you can't go out wearing that or I don't like her

she's not good enough for you John that kind of thing. A little pun on their website is, why not make some bespoke music? Which is a horrible pun, really. You could turn it into a diamond ring. A company called Lifegem uses the carbon from cremations to form you into a diamond of assorted cuts, colours, clarity and carrots. That would be appalling, wouldn't it? Oh, is that your wedding ring? No, no, no, this is my husband. Probably the most disturbing of all is you can have a huggable urn, which

is a teddy bear where the plush, cuddly body would be stuffed with a sort of water bottle-sized thing full of your ashes. Not the most popular Build-A-Bear, I should imagine, but, you know, maybe the kid wants Daddy in bed forever. You could be turned into a tattoo. Your ashes could be turned into the ink to go into a loved one's tattoo. Maybe our IP dad. Of course normal tattoos do contain the bones of sheep and cows. So any vegans out there with a tattoo, you are abhorrent. writer in you, the creative, you can turn yourself into a group of 250 pencils with the Carbon Copies Project. Nadine Jarvis gathers your ashes, turns you into the pencils, and on the side of the pencil it says your name and your years of birth and death, so that your family can write and remind you you are turned into the lead in the pencil. A portrait, your ashes can be mixed in with paint and a painting of you. Now, let's hope that that is a good painting because the last thing you'd want is a really

shitty picture of you painted by some sort of horrible moron, but you'd have to have it up because what else are you going to do with it? Stained glass window. You could be turned into a stained glass window. Imagine putting that on your teenage son's bedroom window so every time he went to pull his curtains for maybe a bit of naughty mischief with his loving partner, he would be reminded of his old dad's face staring back at him through the stained glass window. But possibly my favourite of all the things that you could be turned into is a firework. Imagine that. Go out with a bang, fired into the sky. I think I'd be maybe a screamer or a Catherine Wheel. Always slightly one worries me though because I once was hit

in the leg by a firework that had fallen over and if that had been my grandad or something in that firework, I might have thought that it was some sort of way for him to tell me he was unhappy with me from the grave. Of course, Hunter S. Thompson was fired into the sky in a firework in 2005. I imagine that probably went up quite easily because I think he was probably pickled with all the rum that he had drunk. If you are interested in being turned into a firework, you can go on the Holy Smoke website. I mean, it is really weird, but probably my favourite way. Well, I think that's it from me for Cheap Show this month.

I'll be back, hopefully in the studio. I've got to lay low and hope the zombies don't get me. Paul, Eli, maybe after you finish recording, pop down to the seaside where I am and dig me out of here. Hope you guys are well. I've got enough water to last me about three days, so in your own time, maybe come and rescue me. And if not, I've always loved you. In a way. Oh. Well, we

caught something there. I am becoming increasingly unimpressed with this ghost hunt. From, like, top to the bottom. It's a scam. It is the bottom. It's a scam. It is a scam. It's a scam. It's that man in the curios room who you met,

him and Bobby Bollocks, they must be laughing all the way to the bank. How much did you fork out? 120 quid to stay the night here. 120 quid. He promised a ghost. He said, if you don't see a ghost, you get your money back. Yeah, but where is he now? He's in the wind.

In our car. He's in the wind. In our car. He's stolen our car. I'm beginning to think we've stumbled on a bit of a scam here. So what are we going to do? Well, what is there to do? We'll have to wait till morning, man. We can't walk home at this time of night. I don't know if I can, Paul.

I don't know if I can wait till morning, Paul. You might have to. I don't know if I can stand to see your face just going to... I don't know if I can wait till the morning, Paul. You might have to. I don't know if I can stand to see your face anymore, Paul. Well, like, nothing's going on, so... I don't see... I don't think I can stand to... Calm down. ...hear your whiny, whiny voice anymore, Paul. Calm down.

No, I won't calm... Calm it. Calm it. Here's what we should do. Let's split up. Because that always works in situations like this, right? I'll go find the man with the curios again. The curios, yeah.

See if he knows how to get away. And you just fucking stay here. I'll stay here. I'll stay here. I like it by myself. I'll stay here. Calm down. I'll stay here.

Yes, Paul. I won't have to smell you. You're laying it on a bit thick, all right, Mr. Fucking After. You've been laying on the bad smell a bit thick. Right, I won't have to smell you. Right, you're laying it on a bit thick, alright, Mr. Fucking- You've been laying on the bad smell a bit thick. Right, I'm just going to go. You haven't been wiping your bot bot. He is laughing at you.

He is laughing behind your back. He lies. He knows what you did. Hey, Doc. Oh, hello, Michael. What you doing? Well, I've been listening to the Cheap Show Halloween special, and it's sadly lacking in spookiness. So I had Ashley engineer a few holographic ghosts. Thought I'd send them over.

You know, help spooky it up a bit for them. I'm sure they'll love it. I'm just about finished up recording some creepy audio. Right. So I guess this means you're not working on the podcast. Did you get any work done on it at all today? We're kind of overdue for an episode. Well, the bunker's ventilation system did need immediate attention today.

I'm sure. And the stereo needed to be rewired, and the cutlery in the break room needed to be alphabetized, and you needed to start this... What is it? A ship in a bottle? I'm a victim of my whims, Michael. And besides, you should talk with your obsessive shot-for-shot recreation

of the cult classic Monster Squad using only Remco action figures. Hey, that's my art you're talking about. Well, you're here now, I suppose. Shall we get to work? On the podcast? Sure. No, no, on these custom dedications. It'll be much easier if we split them up, don't you think? Uh, okay, I guess. But let's get back to the podcast as soon as we're done, okay? Well, I mean, after I film the Wolfman's Got Nards sequence. Of course. I'll start.

He's coming to get you. Okay, Michael, will you take the next line? Sure. Paul Gann is going to kill you slowly. Don't you think that's a little on the nose? Michael, I'm sure everything will be fine.

Oh, hang on. I'm seeing something. What's that? He knows what you did. Oh, this place. It's not a scam. That's some kind of apparition. Hang on, it's saying something. I must record. He is coming to get you.

Uh, Paul? Paul? I think he should come in here. Paul? He is laughing at you. He is laughing behind your back. Uh, he knows what I did. Of course. I can't let him leave. He must... He must stay here forever. I must stop Paul from ever leaving this place. Paul is going to kill you slowly. He must be silenced.

He must... He must be silenced. He can never speak. He can never speak of what Eli did. No. He can never know. He can never tell the world what Eli did. And I won't ever say. And then he won't say. And ha, ha, ha, ha. Hello Mr. Tim Hello Where's he gone?

Where's he This table All the stuff's gone How did that guy get out? We're locked Right you know what I've had enough of this I'm done

I can't be arsed I can't be arsed Oh my god What a waste of time And money And self esteem Oh god I'm just gonna go I'm just. I can't be arsed. I can't be arsed. Oh, my God. What a waste of time and money and self-esteem. Oh, God. I'm just going to go. I'm just going to smash a window. I'm going to get the fuck out of this place because I'm done. I'm done. I suppose, actually, I should probably get Eli.

I'll get Eli. Eli. Oh, there you are. Hello, Paul. Why are you talking like Dick Emery? Yeah. Anyway, look, we're going to go, all right? You will never go. No, we have to go.

You must never go. You shall never tell. No, that guy in the curio room, gone, right? Paul will never speak. He will never speak. Will you behave yourself? Just get out of the way. I want to get out of the way.

No, look at this. Where did you get that from? It's good, isn't it? It's from the curio man. Didn't you see him? He's right there. He's next to you, Paul. No, you keep that monkey's paw away from me. You've got the wanky monkey claw. Keep it away from me.

Just get out of my way, you fucking idiot. You will know the truth of the claw. You will learn the truth. the claw. You will learn the truth. The claw will silence you forever. Just stay away from me. The claw! The claw! Stop and get away from me!

Stop it, please! What did I... You will never call me a little chap again! Okay, he's tight. Now, what now? Now I must... I must be the curio man. I will stay here and I will sort out the items. I can... Ooh, ooh look, it's an egg. Oh.

And there's my little monkey claw. And I'll be okay. Yes, I will. Yes, Eli, I will. And Paul, Paul's mouth can move. Paul's mouth can move by itself. Even though Paul's not here anymore, I'll pop Paul's mouth open with my wee wee.