CheapShow - Ep 13: Stuart Ashens & MCM Comic Con LIVE

Episode Date: November 30, 2015

Guests: Stuart Ashens & Richard Sandling Recorded Live at MCM London Comic Con in October The boys are back and LIVE at London's awesome MCM Comic Con on the Vidfest Stage. In this supercharged hour of podcast loveliness, Paul and Eli argue over who's introduction is worse... Until Richard Sandling adds his own suggestions. Stuart Ashens joins us a second time to answer "Piss All" to most of our poised questions and endures another bout of "Murder Hotel" Halloween sweets. With HUGE thanks to the Vidfest crew, MCM Comic Cons and the awesome audience, we present another hour of bargain hunting, arguments, taste tests and audience participation. Visit our lovely website for more podcasts www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] You can follow Stuart Ashens @Ashens or subscribe to his massively popular YouTube Channel. Richard Sandling can be found at www.thatawesomemovieguy.com or @squat_betty For more about MCM or Vidfest, visit: http://www.mcmcomiccon.com/london/schedule/vidfest-schedule/ And if you have to, join us on Facebook - just look for "The CheapShow"! If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Share, Comment... all that jazz! Subscribe to us on Stitcher or iTunes and get fortnightly geeky fun WARNING *Show contains strong language and adult material

Hello and welcome to a brand new episode of Cheap Show. Hello, my name is Paul Gannon. Hello, how are you? Really? How is your mum? Is she good? Okay, let's get on with this. So, the little bit of an intro here, just to basically explain to you that we recorded

this at the fantastic MCM Comic-Con London Expo back in October. Listening back to it, there's a little bit of a sound problem. We couldn't quite get the levels set. Microphones are set at different levels. Some are louder than others. So, I just wanted to apologise for the distortion on Eli and Ai's microphones. Ashen's and Sandling's seem to be working

fine, but we couldn't pick up the audience's laughter and giggles and shouts as well as we'd like. So, basically, this is just an all-encompassing apology for the slightly shoddy audio recording you're about to hear. Perfectly fine to listen to. Just thought I'd give you a little heads up. That's all.

Please enjoy the show and if you want to get in touch with us, get in touch with us at thecheapshow at gmail.com or follow us on Twitter at thecheapshowpod. If you see anything fascinating or interesting in your pound shops, local charity bins,

whatever, send them our way. Send them pictures. We want to get in touch with you, learn a bit more than that. But already, I've rambled. Ladies and gentlemen, sit back, relax. Unless you're driving, in which case case don't do any of these things.

Sit back, relax, and enjoy our special MCM Expo Comic-Con Cheap Show Special with Stuart Ashton and Richard Sandling. I thank you. It's cheap, it's a show, it's Cheap Show and here's your host Paul Gannon. How are you guys doing? the show. It's Cheap Show and here's your host Paul Gannon and Eli Silverman. Welcome to Cheap Show MCM London Comic Con 23rd of October 12.30pm. I am Paul Gannon and that's Eli Silverman. Hi. Hi. Hello everyone. Hello. Where are you? Sorry this is not Alzheimer's Anonymous. Classy. Classy Alzheimer's joke. Classy beginning.

Brilliant. To give you a bit of idea of what me and Eli are like as characters, as people, we explain each other. We kind of explain each other to the crowd, don't we? Describe is the word we're looking for. Describe's a better word. Let's go with describe. The Alzheimer's thing coming true on stage. I'm going to describe Eli, right? So imagine you take a hobbit, you remove the sword, the shield, the enthusiasm, the will to battle, and the positive thoughts, and you're left

with a denim-clad, horrible little hermit suicide note in denim jeans that is, Eli Silverman! Are you single? The man at the front wants to know I certainly am So What's your phone number, mate?

I get to describe What's your phone number? Thanks, Paul Anyway, explain who I am Imagine, if you will, a scientific laboratory A what? Laboratory A scientific laboratory?

Laboratory No, laboratory Laboratory Right A what? Laboratory. Laboratory. Laboratory. No, laboratory. Laboratory. Right. Hidden underneath Tokyo, two miles down. It's the 80s. They are genetically producing Milky Bar kids.

One day, a rogue mutation happens. The Ganon gene, and the rogue milky bar homunculus enters Tokyo's sewer system. I want to know where this goes. Go on. And it emerges into Tokyo, snuffling around the back of sushi bars, before finally getting a stay away on a plane to Heathrow, where he sets up as London's... Sorry, when did this become a J.R. Tolkien novel? London's premier mutant Milky Bar kid runaway guy. Paul Gannon, everybody!

And that's all we've got time for tonight, ladies and gentlemen. I'm glad you've had a great show. Thank you very much. Yes. Right, should we get on with the show? Certainly. Right, we've got two guests tonight ladies and gentlemen i'm glad you've had a great show thank you very much yes right should we get on with the show certainly right we've got two guests for the show this time uh we're going to welcome them on in order of importance so which one is it going to be first or i haven't even said if it's the most important first it's now up to you to decide ladies and gentlemen let's get the first guest on we've done the show with many many times.

He's the star of stage, screen and adverts. Please welcome on stage, Richard Sandley! Yeah! How are you doing, sir? I'm good. I'm up first in your face, Asher. In your stupid face. Yeah. I saw it all as well.

Good, yeah, good, good good I thought I would describe you Oh, go on Now you've described each other, I thought I would attempt to describe you Go on Eli looks like a former porn star Who had to retire due to injury And now runs a bar slash B&B in Doncaster What was the injury? Cock too big? No No and now runs a bar slash B&B in Doncaster.

What was the injury? Cock too big? No. No. No. No one's thinking that. Stretch marks on the cock for being too big, Matt. All right. And Paul Gannon looks like a former child star

who has overcome heroin and found Jesus. That's closer than anyone in this room knows. That's the disappointing thing. All Alright, good. In that case, Richard Simling, you look like Mr Potato Head after a bad time at the casino. Yeah. Oh, I shouldn't say it, but it's going to be so much better than this.

It won't be. It won't be. Ladies and gentlemen, you may have seen him on the internet. You may have even purchased his movie. But right now, you're getting him for free because this is Stuart Aschens, everybody! Yay! First the worst, second the best,

third the one with the hairy chest, that's Eli. Eli, how hairy are you, Eli, actually? How hairy am I? Yeah. Not that hairy. Really? Show us. No, I? How hairy am I? Yeah. Not that hairy. Really? Show us. No, I'm not going to show you.

He wants to know. Listen, if I can monetize it. Yes, but not for free. I'll give you 40 pence. That's called prostitution. Yeah, that's called being an ex-porn star. Right. Okay, so.

You can oil it for a fiver. Good. Also, did I mention my cock's so big it injured itself? No, it's more of a wrist injury that you would have succumbed. So, Ashton, how are you doing, sir? How's life treating you? I'm all right, thank you. Another comic con, another long line of people willing to get your time and attention? I hope so, but unfortunately we're now stuck in an empty warehouse with an inflatable limpet.

Yeah. We all think we're going to get the footfall. It does seem like we're in the richest 88-year-old birthday dome. We're expecting a bouncy castle and shoes off at the door. I think it's a disease incubator so that somebody comes in with flu and then everybody gets it. That's a good point. If there is a pandemic today, we can seal the tent, vacuum pack us, and preserve us for the future. You're going to represent the future, mate. Yes!

No. It's bright! It's not that bright. If the future's more de color orange, I think. 90s reference. So, good. So we get on with the show. We're going to play a few games.

We're going to play a game today. Basically, what happens is we go to charity shops, and we play a game called The Price of Shite. Which is catchy. Do you want to do the jingle? No. I thought we were... No, no, no. I'm not poo-pooing this.

I thought you said there's no swearing allowed. We can dial it down. Put an F word for the flipping, so you can do the flipping. Okay. Ready? Ready? It's the flipping price of shite.

It's the flipping price of shite. It's the flipping price of shite. Oh, it's the flipping price of shite. And that's right. Thank you. So there's our jingle out the way. No, do not applaud that. If you've got anything to applaud, save it for when you go, finally, it's over.

Right. Get it on iTunes. Get it on iTunes. Can anyone do a dubstep version of that and we'll be set? Yeah. I was trying to do a dubstep and then I got confused with something terrible was about to happen in a trailer.

Sound. And that would mean they're coming to get us. In a world. Some Christopher Nolan bullshit. The ferry's leaving the terminal. And so on. We're going to play a game called The Price of Tat.

What happens is me and Eli go to charity shop. It's not called The Price of Tat. Oh, it's called The Price of Shite. I wrote Tat down on the off chat. I have to swear. I'm allowed to swear? Willie. The Price of Willie? Yeah, not The Price of Willie. As I've said, it's called The Price of Shite. I wrote tat down on the off chat. I have to swear. I'll be loud to swear. Willie. The Price of Willie.

Yeah, not The Price of Willie. As I've said, it's five pounds. I could do a reduction for you. All right. How much? Hang on. This is going in an interesting direction. I nearly said erection.

And then that would have been a whole other case. Anyway, the point being is that in the price of shite, either Eli or I go to a charity shop, we buy three things and then we bring them over here and then we, the guests, or yourselves, have to guess the price. Whoever wins gets plaudits. There you go.

So are we ready? Eli, have you got shite? I've got shite. Right. Okay, I've got the scoreboard. You ready? First piece. Who's guessing the price got shite? I've got shite. Right. Okay, I've got the scoreboard. You ready? First piece. Who's guessing the price of shite?

Rich and Stu, and then we'll get the audience to go. Okay. Ooh. Ooh. That's an impressive piece of crap. What is that? This is a thermos flask. From the future.

From the past. Now, it's called a cello splash. Calm down. Cello Splash. It's in lovely nick. It's got the sticker, the Cello Splash sticker is immaculate. It's even got a quality check sticker on it.

Nice. So we know it's EU regulated. Another detail I'd like to point out with this. He's unscrewing the cap. The cap comes with a lovely little metal chain so you don't lose the cap. Oh, that. Oh, exactly.

That's actually a bath plug. Yeah, it's details like this that really push this thermos over the edge. From pennies into pounds. Yes. So, would Richard or Stuart would like to look over the merchandise and give it a good look?

I'll have a look. Give us your thoughts, Stu. Yeah, that's solid. The cello playmate picture is of a child up to his neck in water, drinking more water. Which is confusing. It's high quality and doesn't fold a bit, so that's great. It's dirty. Also has a distinct smell of curry, as in inside.

As in, maybe someone had some lentil soup in there or something. God, it really does. It does say made in India on the bottom, but I think they would not ship it with curry in it. No. You think it's one of those modern Indian curry delivery service pots? Those are known as tiffin trays. Tiffin, thank you.

No, that's not one of those. This is for those appointed. Well, it's filthy and it smells. Sorry, don't talk about Eli like that. I'm thinking, what? You have to put yourself in the mindset of an old woman who sits in a shop all day avoiding her husband. Yes, it was charity shop bought.

I'm going to guess at two pounds. Two pounds. Stuart says two pounds. Checking that. Interesting. That's magical. Now for Sandling's evaluation. It's certainly interesting.

Playmate. Well, the thing is, I'm confused by the colour scheme. Is it sort of the whitest? It's Norwich City. It's the whitest sort of Jamaican style colour scheme I've ever seen. It's like the red, green and yellow. It could be like a Cameroon

football kit. It could fit in a reggae party. This is the flask for anyone who likes UB40, isn't it? UB40 gig? Brilliant. Brilliant prop for that. Who knows what the reference to UB40 is? Hands up. Right, we're going to have to dial down the references to anything before 1995, I think, at this point.

Hey, who likes Drake? Am I right, guys? Hey, chock-a-block reference. One person. Respect. So, what do you think of the smell there, Luke? I think it's quite nice, actually. It's a nice aroma for something.

It smells like it might have had ice cream in it and it's gone stale. I don't think it's stale ice cream. Wow, that's a nose you've got. You know when you get that weird astronaut ice cream that was dry and stuff? It smells like that. It smells like astronaut's ice cream. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. So maybe this... Does that affect the price? I don't know. Well, I mean, you know, it is design regulated pending. I have no idea. Well, the thing is, I was going to say £2 as well, so I can't believe it. You can go slightly over.

I'm going to say it was £3. Oh. £3? £3. Okay. Now, anyone in the audience think... Would anyone like to sniff Eli's tiffin? That guy does.

You just want to sniff it, you don't want to guess the price. He's looking at his eyes in fear now. It's interesting. Interesting, and any guess on the price? £2.50. £2.50. He's splitting the difference. What do you think the price is, sir? Let's ask you. I'm thinking it's £1. 250. He's splitting the difference. Split the difference. What do you think the price is, sir?

Let's ask you. I'm thinking it's 150. 150. Firstly, what's the smell? It smells just like stale tea that's been left in the sun too long. Stale tea, stale ice cream, curry, mental soup. Wow. It's like the gift that keeps on giving.

He's handsome and he's poetic. I like him. Shut up. You can have him. And would's handsome and he's poetic. I like him. Shut up. You can have him. And would you like to guess the price? I'm going to go with the 250 as well. 250.

So 250, 250, 150. You can't change your price now. What did you say? I'm going to say one pound. One pound. Right. So what should we go with? Audience, give me a cheer if you want to go with 150 oh give me a cheer if you want to go with 250 and give me a cheer if you want to say just the

one pound rock on right okay so the audience say 150 right next next piece of shite, so keep that in mind. Next piece of shite is the colour nature library, small animals. Oh! Small animals. Now, as is made very clear in the intro to this book, they don't mean insects, because animals used to be the word for mammal, apparently. So this is...

That's what it says. It's just their excuse for not putting any insects in. Manimal, the TV series. Yes. Yeah, manimal. Another outdated reference. Yes. Yeah, Manimal. Another outdated reference. Hooray. Manimal.

The 80s. Manimal, right, guys? The 80s, man. You should have been there. It's awesome. So I've got this. It's in a lovely fetching pink. Now, the price is on the inside cover,

so I'm going to trust you two not to cheat on this. And it's got lots of stuffed animals that have been posed and nailed to bits of wood and photographed. You've got the mouse. A mouse in the house. House mouse. You having fun? I am having fun.

It's not the worst episode of Chuck and Uri ever. Yeah, that's scary. It's got some scary stuff. Well, not the lights are so frightening. Well, it is eyes at night,

so it's very appropriate. There's all sorts of weird bear rabbits. Look at that rabbit. It's scary as

hell. It's the nocturnal animal. Oh, yeah, well played. Can we get some smell-o-vision going if they're going to

do the whole... Get some sort of sawdust and rat piss smell coming through. There you go. Yeah, you've got bats. You've got everything in here. Lots of rabbits. And it gets bloody scary on the underground bit.

Look at that rabbit thing there. Good God. That would bite your throat out, wouldn't it? Look at the tooth. It's a horrific rat with a horned tooth. And there's a horrible mole eating a worm. So, it's pretty strong stuff in the book of animals. Snuff animals.

It's in great condition, I'd just like to add. And the original price, just so you've got a guide, was $3.99. Oh, costly. Costly. So, Stuart, what do you think the price of that particular bit of objet d'or is? I strongly dislike it, because it looks like they're selling it to

young girls as a book full of pretty guinea pigs, and you open it up and there's infinite horror. Yes. Literal were-rabbits. Yeah, terrifying teeth, things eating worms. Yes. Just what kids love. I reckon a hardback book like that with a slightly faded spine, 20 pence.

Ooh! 20 UK pence. Oh. The animals are in hiding. Rich? Well, it's difficult to say, isn't it? I mean, it is a terrifying book. That rabbit straight out of the baddies from Watership Down. Yeah.

It was just like, you won't know me by his mark. It's a sweaty, sweaty rabbit. A sweaty rabbit. It was horrible. Yeah, I'm like, rabbits are fine, but that was a terrifying rabbit. I don't know how... That was bought from London, wasn't it?

I don't really understand the London Charity Shop prices, you see, but I'm going to say that's 39p. Ooh! Because they have that thing there where they make it 39p so you donate an extra penny to charity, even though it's a charity shop. It's a con! So I don't quite know what it is, but...

So Sandling says 39p, Stu says 20p. What do our audience think? Right. Who wants to have a guess at the price of this book? The guy in the top hat who instantly draws my attention and I can walk awkwardly behind the two people

just leaving. Nice one. Sorry, man. What do you think the price is? £10 to £50. £10 to £50 from the mad hatter. We'll keep it in mind. Do you want to revise that or are you going to stick? I have a feeling it might be rare or banned in certain countries.

Is it rare in certain countries? Certainly should be. No. No. All right, so he's going to say £10. Does anyone else have a more realistic price? The guy in the hat again. Go on.

50p. 50p. Go on. I think it might be for a pound because some people are into that stuff and you never know. Yeah. You seem to know a lot about the kind of people into that kind of stuff. If Richard Gere's passing through. A pound, 50p. Anyone else want to take a

look at the hand that you sent over there with the lustrous hair. Did you hear I did a Richard Gere hamster? See what he looks like? He looks like you if he cleaned up. And grew up. And grew up. And bathed. Yeah, because I'm a tramp. I'm an alcoholic tramp.

Thanks, Paul. Say it again. Why don't we do the rest of the show? You just called me a flipping tramp. The first step to overcoming it is admitting it. All right. Yes, well done, Eli. Well done.

Don't pity him. Stop drinking by a house. All right. Sorry, sir, what's your name? Oh, he's off. We'll give him time to compose. How much do you think? 49p.

49p. 49, okay. Does anyone else have one last choice? Anyone else? You, sir, in the furthest possible place I could have gone to pick. Oh, look, he's running around. He looks like... I'm Noel Edmonds on the in the furthest possible place I could have gone to pick. Oh, look, he's running around. He looks like... I'm Noel Edmonds on the house party.

90s reference. Right. 99p. 99p. So, 1550p. This guy said a quid. I think the audience is... You get to pick the overall number.

What do you want to go with? One quid? I think they've said a quid, the audience, on the whole. On the whole. If we average it out. Right. Okay, last. The last item, and I have saved audience, on the whole. On the whole. If we average it out. Right, okay, last. The last item, and I have saved the best for last here.

Oh, good. This is the ladies in bikinis riding Harleys through the sky ashtray with flick action. Oh! Oh, God. What a piece of glorious crap. Ladies in bikinis riding Harleys through the sky. That sounds like the greatest prog rock album never made.

And it's got a little thing you can rest your cigarette on. Say you're halfway through your ciggy, you want a break. Maybe you want to pleasure yourself to the animal book. You can rest that there, go get your tissues, sort it out, come back, and then you're ready to smoke again. And also, the ladies are also on the lid. It's beautiful. Is that a euphemism, or they are actually on the lid?

They're also on the lid there. Yeah, that girl, she's completely on the lid. And also, it's not just for decoration. I've been using this. It's quite effective as a receptacle for ash. So. No, not him. I mean, he's not going to.

He could get maybe his toe in. He could maybe get it. I'm glad we went the toe route and not the obvious emissions gag we could have gone with. And can I just mention I'm a tramp and an alcoholic before we go on. Booze up. So, there it is. It's a classy item. So, let's get your... Let's have a closer look.

Your guess, please. It's got a two-part action. Amazing. It's an engineering feat. Oh. I've got to say, it feels very, very thin and flimsy and cheap, and it's just formed a bit on me. No, it's meant to do that. That's so you can wash it. Yeah. It comes apart very easily because it's meant to do that. That's so you can wash it. Yeah, it comes apart very easily because it's like Lego.

Yeah. Except not. It has naked ladies riding bikes. That'll be a new Lego set next year. The ladies don't look like the sort of ladies you take home to meet your parents. My parents would be glad if I took any ladies home. London charity shop.

No, no, this was an item that was bought new. Oh, you. You're breaking the rules. No, that's not the bloody rules. The price of shite can be any shite. It can be charity shop bought, it can be pound shop bought, it can be from metros. Everyone's feeling flush.

Yeah, it's not from metros. So this was bought new. What area of the country was it bought from So this was bought new. Okay. What area of the country was it bought from? It was bought from Haringey in North London. And what sort of shop did you buy it from? It was the kind of shop that sells cooking ware,

pebbles that you put in fish tanks, and shopping trolleys, and umbrellas. And how much was it? Not so fast. So, let's have your guess, please. I'm going to go for £3. £3 ration. Write it down.

£3? Ration's £3. Right. Mr Sandling. Well, I would say, however much it was, it was too much. Yeah. It's actually, the novelty immediately, the novelty's already worn off and I've been handed it. Sorry for the noise, obviously they're filming Cloverfield

next door. I don't think they're even actually really riding these motorbikes. The whole thing is a sham and a fraud and I'm unhappy about it. Are you saying they're not paid up members of the Hells Angels? I don't think. Not with those boots. Those are incorrect boots for riding a motorcycle. If anything they are to fetishise the saying they're not paid-up members of the Hells Angels. I don't think... Not with those boots. I don't think, no, no.

Those are incorrect boots for riding a motorcycle. If anything, they are to fetishise the concept of motorcycle riding, as are the bikinis. Yeah, it's a horrible... We're very, very pro-women at this show. I would say that this was a pound. One pound! Right, one pound. Now, let's get a conglomerate audience score.

Anyone? 350. Anybody else? 163. 249, the gentleman over there says. This is like the shoddiest auction ever. You can't have it because I want it. 250.

I think you said 2499, you said $250. We're looking at about $250 from the audience. $250 from the audience? Yeah. Right, let's do that. Is that all of them? That is all, but can I just show you this? Oh, go on.

You've got a surprise bonus. This is a rubber in the shape of an old tape player. Ooh. How good is that? And look, the tape comes out. Is that the one that rubs that ink? No. No. It's a normal that rubs that ink? No. It's a normal rubber, but it's pristine. It hasn't been used.

Does it smell good? It doesn't have no smell. Oh, I miss that eraser smell. But I just think it's funny that it's a rubber that's modelled on a defunct technology, whereas the actual technology of erasing pencils is still very much with us. It's very much always going to be with us, the pencil. So that was 30p because you get three for a pound. That's like a car boot sale.

I also, with this, bought one that had an American Express card on it. Really? And also a fish. Well, we've learned so much today about your rubber inquiry. Are we ready to reveal the price of shite? And that's right. Yes. So the first one was the Tiffin-style decanter.

Playmate cello splash. Let me do the countdown. Richard said £3. Stuart said £2. And the audience went with £1.50. What is the price? £50. £50.

The audience wins. Audience get that one. That's a bargain, isn't it? Look at the 50p for Buzz Aldrin's Rasta flask. That's amazing. It's good, isn't it? That's good. I mean, that is probably the best deal.

I could tell I got a deal because I basically went to the shop and went, and she went, 50p? You know the way they do. They go, 50p? Is that all right? They've got no clue, these people. No clue. How dare they?

How do you put a price on things no one wants, which is why it's in the shop in the first place? Okay, so moving on to the next item, and that is our beautiful... Terrifying book. Colour Nature Library book of small animals. Bright eyes. Burning like fire.

Small, terrifying animals. Okay, what were the prize guesses? Richard said 39 British pence. Stuart said 20 pence. And the audience went with one pound. I think the audience have got it again. It's 75p. Wow.

Oh, so the audience get another tick. Which is great. We don't have to give a prize. Right, great. I want the prize. I have to give a prize. Right, great. I want the prize. You can't have a prize. No. You would like some water, though, wouldn't you?

That would be nice. And finally, the piece de resistance, the action on that lid. It's got a lovely action, and it is? Wait. Richard said a quid. Stuart went crazy with £3, and the audience split the difference with £2.50. The price, Mr Silverman, is... £2.49.

The audience have it. Once again. Two. I bought it in a shop. What do you mean? It wasn't a pound shop. It was a hardware shop owned by some lovely Asian gentlemen

and they're my friends. They sell me trolleys for £7.50. So... And they do shampoo and cookware. I thought this was a bit pricey, but you know. So, out of all of the rounds, you got it right to the win. Nice work. Yeah, yeah, well done. Now on to the next and most disgusting part of the show called Cheap Eats.

Eli and I decide that, you know, you can go to the shops and you can buy expensive Kelloggs or you can buy rich tea biscuits from, I don't know, Waitrose. McFitties. McFitties. All the brand names. And what we decide to do is we buy off-brand stuff, taste it, and see if it's just as good or better than the brand names, right? That's right.

That's right. That's right. Like when we did the Nutella dips and we found that dark chalk dip thing was really nice. That was quite nice, yes. But you know what wasn't nice? What? Euro creme. Don't eat Euro creme. First of all, the name's suspicious enough as it is.

And secondly, it's a weird mix of chocolate and white vanilla paste. Yes, it's no Nutella, that's for sure. No. Okay. What I like is the way that they have to have names that sound a bit like the real thing. Yeah. So in Lidl's you can get raw bars, which are basically like Ryan, Lion bars. Yes.

I've never found them again. I don't think I've made them. I'm sure once I found there was a shop that sold Mrs. Kipling's cakes. Uncle Kipling's pie. Uncle Kipling's. Right, so. Mr. Kipling. we're going to do a taste test. You will get to taste some of the things we have as well. I will warn you, they are vile.

Because it's Halloween around the corner. We went to the nearest palm land and we bought as much crap candy as we could. So we're going to get our guys to test them. And then if you're desperate, you can have a try of some things And go and get your feedback And we'll try and find out Which is the best cheap eat from this batch So are we ready? I'm ready

From previous experience Audience, don't try these Yeah You think it'll be fun to join in It's never fun Right, first of all We're going to go with Because Ghostbusters is great

We can all agree on that Yeah Well They've brought out For some reason A lot of Ghostbusters candy this year. We're going to start with

Ghostbusters Popping Candy. It's either Slimer Green Apple Flavour or Michael Gross' No Ghost Logo Flavoured Strawberry Flavoured Strawberry Strawberry Popping Candy. That's not how it's written on the pack. So, we'll give it no ghost logo flavoured strawberry flavoured strawberry strawberry pop and candy.

That's not how it's written on the pack. So we'll give it Sandling you can have a little taste. I don't want a little taste I want to have the whole I'm going to go for the You're going to go for the whole bag?

I'm going to go well you know go big or go home. Alright so this is the strawberry is this the strawberry flavour? Yeah. Strawberry flavour. Strawberry flavour

Ghostbusters logo. Hang on. I'm going to I'm flavour Ghostbusters logo. Hang on. I'm going to go for the whole, hang on. Oh! Chug, chug, chug. Quite nice. Put it in your mouth. Oh, let's hear it.

No, no noise. No noise. That's how I got on the podcast in the first place. Now, on a scale of one to disgusting, how bad is that? Well, to be honest with you... Oh, okay. I don't really like sweets like that. Yeah.

But that was nice. So, it was actually quite nice. I'm sorry that the first thing wasn't disgusting, but maybe the apple one would be horrible. So... But it was quite nice. I'm sorry that the first thing wasn't disgusting, but maybe the apple one would be horrible. So? Quite nice. I'm sorry. Sorry to be a killjoy.

No, no, no. It's good. Out of ten, what would you give it? Well, I mean, I'd give it like an eight, because if you like that sort of thing, that's a perfectly adequate pound shop equivalent. Okay, that's fine. That's good.

Now, Stu, we're going to give you the apple flavour, Slimer Apple. This is the Slimer Apple flavour. Slimer Apple or Slimer Apple? Slimer Apple. So when you think of Slimer, do you think of the flavour apple? I thought of it more as a lime sort of thing. No, I tend to think of John Blush's bloated dead corpse.

Reference. That's your answer for everything. Yeah, it usually is. Beautiful image. So, Stu, give us a taste and your opinions. Sorry, Stu, I tried to get into that. It proved quite difficult. We'll sort it.

Popping candy, apple flavour, produced for World of Sweets in Loughborough, or Lugabaruga, if you believe the old urban legend on that. Warning, E102 additive may have an adverse effect on activity and attention in children. Yeah. Now you tell me. Get on it. Let's run wild. Down in one, down in one, down in one.

Pull, pull. Oh, come on. He's a hand-to-mouth kind of guy. It looks like shards of... Imagine somebody took some snot, froze it, and then hit it with a hammer. Yeah. He's pontificating. He doesn't look happy.

The music. Yeah, the suspenseful music from the stage next door. The music. Yeah, the suspenseful music from the stage next door. I feel like I want to... I feel like I want to sob. I'm ready to go. Yeah, it's all right. Yeah, it's all right. It's all right.

Yeah. It's all right. It's all right. Out of ten, it tastes vaguely of those apple sweets. Yeah. Yeah. I would give it a seven. A seven.

Okay, so who wants to try the strawberry flavour one? It says it's really terrible. It really badly affects children, so we should give it to children. Give it to them kids and let's watch them phone. Give it to children. I'll tell you what, it was a children. Just for children. I don't want to give anyone a paper cut.

Do you want to try it or give it to someone else? Yeah, go on, he's going to try it. Give it to some kids and then we can round them up and use them as a kind of little mini zombie. It's not for kids anymore, we know this. Zombie army. You can get them all crazy, fluffing at the mouth, and then we go and win the cosplay competition. By having feral children at our beck and call. Yeah, feral child zombie army.

I like it. That's very good. The kids are into this stuff now. They don't have to eat apples and stuff because Jamie Oliver made everyone not eat nice food anymore. Look, we can all agree that Jamie Oliver is a tit. So, once we've drawn that line in the sand, we can move on. Right, so what did you make of the strawberry flavour?

It's okay. It tastes like strawberry. Yeah. You know, not real strawberries, obviously, but, you know. The best we can move on. Right, so what did you make of the strawberry flavour? It's okay. It tastes like strawberry. Yeah. You know, not real strawberries, obviously, but, you know. The best we can get. Yeah. It's not like having an actual strawberry or strawberry cheesecake.

So out of ten, what would you give it? I'll go seven as well. Seven? Okay, go on. Let's ask this young man. What did you think of that? He looks upset. It tastes like soil.

It tastes like soil. He's got a? He looks upset. It tastes like soil. It tastes like soil. He's got a refined palate that way. It tastes like soil. Maybe he lives in Candyland. That's what Candyland soil tastes like. 2015 vintage. So what did you give it out of 10? Negative 2.

Now I'm going to go up to be a YouTube commenter. He said it had adverse effects in children. It didn't mean negative effects in children. That's what they meant. They're so cynical, so young. Who's the last guy? Oh, it was you. What flavour did you have again?

Apple? I'd probably give it a seven. You get a couple of those for a quid. Would it be worth it? No. No, all right. Fair enough. He gives it a higher than average score,

but then still says no. I have to say, if I was trick-or-treating and someone gave me a couple of those, I'd think, bollocks. It's like when you go into a chicken shop and you ask for one bit of chicken and they give you a drumstick. Yeah. You're like, sod off, give me an actual bit of chicken. You know what I mean?

If I was at home and he knocked on my door with trick-or-treat, I'd give him money, I'd give him anything just to get him off my doorstep. Right, next one is called Seven fingers lollipops. What? What are lollipops? What are these? Lollipops. They're usually gummy things, these.

What's a lollipop? Oh. Is it like a finger? This is really crazy. These are from the murder motel range. Murder motel range? Yeah, of Halloween severed fingers. Nothing says candy like murder.

No, nothing says candy like psycho. This is a witch's finger then, is it? Who would like a witch's finger? Not you. Right? You can have one. You get something different. I've broken my finger.

It doesn't actually specify that it's a witch's finger. It's just a severed finger. Who else? Who else? Who else? Who else? What's the one for you? It's green, which makes you think of's finger. It's just a severed finger. Who else? Who else? Who else? I've got one for you. It's green, which makes you think of grunt.

Wow, I really can't throw. That's what we've learned today, is that I basically have a problem with aim. Like, that's gone. I can't open it. It's gone. Forget about it. Move on. Actually, that's not true. I've got more in here somewhere. I don't think they want you eating these.

You can't get them open. I can't do it. It doesn't open open they're quite difficult to get into oh look she's got his Swiss Army knife out and he's very practical verse Brung Dirk technique right everyone's got a finger well not everyone but most. Right. Has everyone got their fingers ready?

Who is sucking their finger right now? You are, right, good. Sucking a finger. Right. Now, I've tried these before. And I wasn't... What do you think? They smell like a cleaning product of some type. Yes, they've got a very cleaning product type smell.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm... Yeah, I'm all right. Give it a taste. Oh. We need some erotic music with this particular scene of Stu. Is that erotic music? What's going on in your head?

That's your term. That's not your term. That sounds like the Nightcrawler theme or something. Bloody hell. I'll take it. Oh, yeah, sexy. Sexy time. Shut up.

Don't do it that way, Stu. It's really disconcerting to see you do it like that. Right, so. What do we think? Well, they've gone slightly soft, so they're probably out of date in some manner. I think they're out of date from last year's pack. What does it smell like?

Fingers. It smells like cleaning products, apparently. It smells like bogeys. Oh! Nose to gob. Did it improve the taste? Did it? Did it improve the taste? Did it? Did it improve the taste?

No. So, let's see. Even Boney's could not save this popcorn. Does anyone want to comment on the witch's finger? I've got some comments back here. Shall I get comments? Yeah, go for it. Let's get as many comments as possible.

You haven't eaten it yet. His brother is a professional taster, ladies and gentlemen. Is he a serious taster? All right. Before eating, sniff the back of your hand because it clears your senses and then put the sweet in your mouth between eating. So that's actually very interesting. I'm going to do that from now on.

All right, do that from now on. Clearing my senses has made this taste even worse. You smell your finger and then you do it, basically. Is that what you do? All right. Pull my finger. The back of your hand. Sorry.

Okay, anyone can top that? It tastes like crap generic lollipop. Yes. Now, I think that is probably the truest thing that we've heard all day. It tastes like a crap generic lollipop. Crap generic. Oh, yeah. You, sir?

You know those museum gift shop lollipops? Let's say, yeah. It's like that, but worse. It's literally just boiled sugar. This guy said it sounds like... It tastes like an apple as Nan had had for two years. A two-year-old Nan's apple? I might have paraphrased that badly.

Okay. So, okay, so... Very poor. Rich, give us a price. Give us a taste out of ten. What would you give it? Well, I mean, I'd probably give it like a two, because if you're a child, you wouldn't be unhappy because it's still a sweet.

But actually, to eat it, it's horrible. Right. Two. Stew? Yeah, it's just boiled sugar with, well, added colours. Well, it's the texture. It's the finger texture that you're getting all the thrill from, isn't it? That's what they probably thought.

Shall we make it finger flavoured? I mean, what flavour is a finger? What, are they going to do some kind of cheese or something? I mean... You need to relax. I'm sure they've got a human flesh flavour somewhere. Oh, yeah, yeah. It just feels like sugar with the edge taken off.

It's worse than sugar one out of ten one out of ten I'm more of a savoury than a sweet person so if you give me something on a stick I really hope it's going to be a kebab you're much more kind of umami aren't you yes alright let's do this

those who had a finger god that's a weird sentence to say out loud those who taste a finger put your hands up if sentence to say out loud Those who taste a finger Put your hands up if you give it a ten No, who'd give it a nine Right, get out Who'd give it an eight Seven

Six Five Four Three Two One Thunderbirds are gone 60s reference

Right so we're going to go We're going to go with We're going to go with Two for that Right so Oh these look special This is a little box Of Halloween

This is same brand Murder Hotel Halloween Brain rot bottles Brain rot what? 12 brain rot bottles of Halloween, this is same brand, Murder Hotel, Halloween Brain Rot Bottles. Brain Rot what? 12 Brain Rot Bottles. 12 flute, flute, fruit flavoured

sherbet filled bottles. Let's see. I bet it's weak arse sherbet. This won't be very good sherbet, that's my prediction. The whole box is, well there's a lot in there. It comes in strong.bet, that's my prediction. The whole box is... There's a lot in there. Oh, now you're talking. So this is just generic sherbet

that they've put in a box and called brain rot. In a vain attempt to lead it to Halloween. The irony has not been lost. Do the flavours equate to anything? God knows. I'm going to take this one because I don't really like... Oh, go on. It doesn't smell of anything.

Why have I got straw? Is this actually... Is this really... It seems a little bit like... It seems a little bit sort of a... You've had it off! You've had it off! I feel like they should have given us a rolled up ten or something instead to do this.

Mmm. That is really horrible. Yeah, that's not good. What colour have you got? I've got carcinogenic. Carcinogenic? I've got green. What have you got?

Definitely kidney failure. It's green. I've got the green one. Right. I bet no matter what colour you got, they all taste the same. Yeah. So, that is a very generic uh sherbert right sort of thing you would make in a chemistry class that the teacher tells you is technically sherbert

but has no bloody flavor you just had a shower and you put talcum powder on you do it to regret it goes up into your face that's what it's like eating this that's a talcum powder kickback yeah so it's a bit unremarkable then just boring horrible sherbert yeah but it's like eating this. That's a talcum powder kickback. Yeah. So it's a bit unremarkable then, just boring, horrible sherbert. Yeah, but it's not... Yeah, there's something slightly unpleasant about it. It just tastes like a chemical. Fair enough.

So, Sandling, out of ten, what would you give that? I'm going to give that a one. Oh, a one. It's no strawberry popping candy. No, it can't be, apparently, which is rated much higher than I thought. Stu, what would you give it? Piss all.

Piss all? Piss all. I'm going to write actually down the words piss all. That's fantastic. Piss all. What would you give that? Do you have any interest? Five.

Five? It's not unpleasant. He's not interested now. He said five. He's falling out of love. What would you give it, madam? It's off. A one mean, it is. He's not interested now. He said five. He's falling out of love. What would you give it, madam? It's off. A one.

Did it have any flavour? Talcum powder that's gone kind of bitter. Talcum powder that's gone bitter. So if you want to put a load of talc in your mouth and get a sugar high, there you go. Who else tried it? You, mate. What would you... Describe the flavour.

It tastes like a rotten lime coated in sugar it's just there's some anti-sherbert feeling in this crowd oh wait i mean come on this was i thought we'd be pro sherbert i guess nothing is a pro sherbert crowd but you didn't even have it right who else i mean come on this was better than the finger the finger was an abomination what let's see let's talk to this lovely lady. What would you think of it? Chemical dust. Chemical dust.

The new techno album. I like it. Out of ten? Zero. Zero. Nobody likes the Sherbert. See what I mean? Who else?

Who else? Let's get one more opinion. You, sir. I think it's a bit acid. It's a bit acid, but really chemical. I think we can easily do a Breaking Bad episode right about this. Breaking Bad could do right about... I'd hope to get better from Breaking Bad than some Sherbert.

You don't want to cut that up with a credit card, do you? Right, let's do this again. Start much lower, because I'm guessing no one's going to give it 10, right? Start at 5. 5. Hands up if you had it. If you'd give it 5, Four, three, two, one. Wait, another one. Five, four, three, two, one.

Right, and we'll do one last thing now. Oh, God. Murder Hotel, they've got a theme. Halloween skeleton bones guaranteed to be vile. Can I just say Murder Hotel are a shit brand. Don't they change their brand? Because I know on some of the videos you've done, you've had something similar to this, but I just say, Murder Hotel are a shit brand. Don't they change their brand? Because I know on some of the videos you've done, you've had something similar to this, but they're not called Murder Hotel.

There was something... Yeah, there was a Murder Motel or something. Was it like Crime Scene Candy or Autopsy Sweets? Everything came from a different room in a certain horror hotel or something. Serial murder chocolate. They've downgraded to a motel now. Religious cult candy.

Whatever they do this year. So, let's get... A pack for moi, a pack for you. It does look like bones. It looks really... This looks like someone's idea of a joke is what to give someone as a bag of drugs. Yeah, a little bag of drugs.

Got any yellows, got any whites, got any skulls? Here you go. Yeah, those could be ecstasy tablets. Bones. I'm off my head on bones. Oh, sorry. And? Who wants here?

Come on. New skull. If I cut you in the face, I apologise in advance. Ready? Here we go. One, two, three. I got it to the back. Yay.

Good work. Taste of nothing. Anyway, apologies if you have to it to the back. Yay. The skull. Good work. Taste of nothing. Anyway, apologies if you have to go to hospital later. The yellow bone. Oh, there's two more. Taste of nothing. Here you go. Oh, no, it does have a slight orange taste to it.

I'm going to give it to our friend, the Mad Hatter. He's always got something good on. I think my skull was slightly soapy. The white one, taste of nothing. It does have a slightly soapy taste, but that can be, as you know, a marketing technique. Still taste of soap. That's what they should have gotten there. Of course, yes.

It tastes like those Leucosade tablets you used to think you had to eat when you had a cold. Well, when half of you weren't even alive. Yeah, do you remember those Lucozade tablets? Anyone? Yeah. You know. How is that good for you, you've got a bloody cold? It's not good at all.

No. Of course it's not. It's good for you to be obese. Out of ten, Rich, what would you give it? Nothing. Nothing? Oh, the life is so far. The funny thing is, I've basically just become more fed up

with how shit all the food is. I was hoping I wouldn't have to go to the vendors by doing this game. No, unfortunately. I'm going to have to go to the vendors by doing this game. No, unfortunately. I have to go twice now. Malnourished. Stew. Is it just like eating soap that's bad for you?

What? Now that I'm saying that eating soap is usually good for you, let's stress that now. Is it going to be less than piss all? I'm going for piss all again. Piss all again. I'm going to actually write down the word again. Eli, out of interest? Two.

Two. Right. Who had a go? You had a try. What would you give it? I'd give it one, and it tastes like the little teddy bear vitamin tablets I used to have as a child, which is awful. Learning as we go. Right, so I remember those teddy vits. I do, yeah. What do you think? I'd give it

for the sake of the audio, the button said bullshit. with those teddy vits. Yeah. I do, yeah. What do you think? I give it. That was bullshit. For the sake of the audio, the button said bullshit. Oh, let's see this guy in action. Go on. I'm leaving it to my brother to taste it, but as I'm a super taster as well,

I should imagine that they taste an awful lot like M&M's. Oh, okay. Well, tell your brother he needs to sniff his hand harder. I normally like the chalky things, but this is horrible.

I should imagine it would be about a five. Okay, thank you. Go on, you say it. Probably give it about a two out of ten. It tasted very chemically, something I'd put down my toilet, perhaps. Yeah, if you don't want to use for blush or whatever. I don't know.

Right, so five. And we'll have one more opinion. Oh, you, because I nearly... Did you get to eat them or did I just injure you? Here you go. Right, form an opinion. I'll come back. You, what did you make? I didn't like it, but my mouth's definitely clean now. Right, it's bleached his mouth, apparently. So, out of ten? Zero. Zero?'s bleached his mouth apparently, so out of ten? Zero.

Zero? It bleached his mouth? Yeah. Does that mean it will bleach his bum on the way out? Why would you think that? Why would you go there? Food doesn't have magical cleaning properties that scrub your innards on the way out. Well that would be something, perhaps that would be a good idea. Bum cleaning food. Bum candy.

Colon candy. Refreshes the part of your anatomy. No one dare touch with a brush. That could be it. Susie Sewers bum candy. We need to market this. Tastes good, doesn't it? It feels good coming out.

Right, go on. It has less flavour than plastic. Less flavour than plastic? Yes, it does have less flavour than plastic. We're going to? Yes, it does have less flavour than plastic. We're going to get him. His brother can do the taste test. He's writing the copy for the press. This guy here is going to be doing all our medical examinations.

And that guy in the suit is going to be our poster boy. Can I just say, on the topic of super tasters, there's a lot of people that think it's a hoax. And there's no such thing as supertasters. Whereas some people do think that supertasting is an actual ability. In five seconds you're now going to talk about amplitude. So talk about amplitude. Amplitude is an aspect of flavour and something like Heinz tomato ketchup has a high amplitude. It means that none of the individual flavours that make up Heinz poke out when you eat it.

You just get an overall gestalt of ketchup. And that's because it has a high amplitude. Thanks for letting me mention that, Paul. Is that like the casting of films like Young Guns, where no-one sticks out because everyone's about the same? Absolutely, yes. Young Guns has a very high amplitude rating. You'd never tell me there'd be amplitude. I wouldn't

have signed up for this. Here we go. Out of all the candy we tried tonight, here is the overall score. For the Bones, zero. Piss all, zero. We're not having that. The Sherbet Bottles, one. Piss all, one. It's like the worst tennis

results. The Witch's Finger, two. Oneiss all. One. It's like the worst tennis results. The witch's finger. Two. One. Two. But our winner tonight, and flying the flag for all Ghostbusters fans in the earth, was the popping candy, Ghostbusters candy. Yay!

One pound gets you eight bags in a pound land. Bargain. Who would like to have a bag of Bon Bon Buddy's gummy body parts or Corpse Humane? No. No? Here you go. Because you've done nothing all show,

you get a prize. Good work. That's the way life is. Sometimes you sit there and are completely ignored and you think, oh, I wish I'd been a part of it. And then sometimes a mysterious handsome man gives you sweets in a crowded room full of strangers

and you accept them. Magical land of... Anyway, moving swiftly on. Awkward end. That is the end of the show. Top Gun. Sandling, give us your details so people can follow you online if they want to. Oh, hello.

My name's Richard Sandling. You can follow me at squat underscore Betty on Twitter or find me on YouTube Buckham39 squat underscore Betty I am the one who looks like me it's very easy to spot

follow me I'm sometimes I'm much funnier on Twitter than I am on Facebook because my mum and dad are on Facebook so I can be ruder on Twitter it's much easier

I swear in all sorts it's brilliant so thanks a lot for Richard for coming around. Give a applause to Richard. Mr. Stuart. Give us all the details for your fans and acolytes to follow you with. Put Ashton's in Google.

That's all you need. Very simple job. Round of applause for our guest Stuart Ashton. We have been Eli and Paul. We have The Cheap Show. You can follow us on Twitter at TheCheapShowPod. You can go to our website, the Cheap Show you can follow us at on Twitter at thecheapshowpod you can go to our website

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