CheapShow - Ep 2: Eli And Paul Eat Baby Food

Episode Date: June 22, 2015

It's CheapShow Episode 2, celebrating the best of the worst... ...Performed in front of a PACKED house at The Camden Head Pub, London, Paul Gannon and Eli Silverman inflict their own brand of improvised economy comedy in their (loosely) Easter themed episode! In this week's mighty episode... Paul tries to marry the world of classic horror and classic literature together for profitable gain, explains how his young life was ruined by looking like the Milky Bar Kid, tries to explain different types of penis to the audience, pretends to be Daddy at feeding time, attempts to bring peace and calm to the world with his new relaxation tape and discovers that no one cares about his nuts... Meanwhile... Eli gives more blunt opinions on the week's news, wants to spank women and drink vodka for Easter, gets pissed off with Gingerbread, tells us one too many stories about his vomiting adventures, gets fed like a big hairy baby, admits to sucking off tramps, has a piss poor Tales from the Dance Floor story to tell and considers his opinions on nuts the most authoritative in the world. It's just another uncatagorisable comedy show! Warning: This show contains strong language Email us your stories and suggestions to [e-mail] and follow us on Twitter @thegeekatorium @thecheapshowpod You can even WATCH an awesome video clip of the show: www.youtube.com/watch?v=SyzGaOwx0Vo on our new YouTube Channel - with reviews, clips and oddities

Eli Silverman everybody! Go on Eli! Yes, go on Eli! Everybody say go on Eli! Go on Eli! Go on Eli! Fuck off! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to London's fragrant Camden town.

This is Cheap Show. My name's Eli Silverman, and here's your other host. It's Paul Gannon. My name is Paul Gannon, and as I say, this is Eli Silverman. How's the best way to describe Eli? He's like... He's like a little hairy rat. But with manic depression.

You're a manic depressive rat. Eli Silverman! Round of applause for that man there. Go on, your turn. Do I get to describe you now? Yeah, please do. And be kind. You're like a substitute English teacher who fills you up.

And shops at Giacomo. They have good bogs at Giacomo, fuck you. So, hello, yes, welcome to the show. Who's been before? Give me a cheer. Oh, God. Who's been here before? Kill me. Fuck.

Alright, if you don't know, it's a comedy podcast where me and Eli go through our bric-a-brac bin of rubbish and present it to you in lieu of proper entertainment. We have music, we have food, we have all kinds of crazy stuff. But ultimately, if you're sitting here now thinking, I am... Who here would honestly call themselves a geek? Put their hands up.

Give me a cheer. Proper gigs don't do that. They go, yes, quiet, and then move to the back of the room. Give me a cheer if you're not a geek. Yay. Well, if you're sitting there thinking, oh, I can't join in the fun tonight because I'm not a geek, guess what?

Don't worry. Everyone in this room, whether you like it or not, is a geek, right? Because I'm a Ghostbusters fan, and yes, I'm very lonely. But I am also a geek and proud. But let's just say it's you, sir. Let's just pretend. Go with me on this fantasy.

Let's just say you like football, and you're's just pretend. Go with me on this fantasy. Let's just say you like football. And you're a football fan. You would be a football geek. Yeah? See? It's that simple. Madam, I'm just going to generalize some more. But let's just pretend you're a woman.

Right? And let's... What? Way to alienate the crowd. I know. Shut your face. And you like soap operas. And you watch the soaps all the time.

You would be a soap opera geek, okay? Oh God, you could even be like a 70-year-old man with every single Disney film, and you would be a sex offender. But it is important you draw the line between geek and paedophile at a very early stage. So we're going to start the show off. Can I tell you what I've been doing this week? Please do. I have been writing some novels. Well, ish. Oh, God, really?

Yeah. Yes. And I'm going to run a few. Because basically, I've noticed this trend where they're making films based on books, based on other properties. Like, have you heard of a book called Pride and Prejudice and Zombies? Yeah, it's fucking awful. Well, basically, they're going to talk about making that into a movie, right? And the guy who wrote that book also wrote a book called Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter.

That became a movie. And I was thinking, how easy is it to make money off this? What you've got to do is get classic literature and classic horror, mash it together, book deal, right? So I've got a few titles I'm going to run past you. Is that all right? I'm wet with anticipation. The thing is, he actually is. But it's a drinking problem more than anything else.

Okay, so the first one I've got, classic literature, classic horror mashed together. The first title is called Bleak House on Haunted Hill. Great, it's great, Paul. All right, I've got another one, I've got another one. I've got another one. Seance and seanceability. Come on, give me that one.

No, he doesn't fucking like that one either. All right, then I won't do Schindler's Mist. We'll move on from that one and go... The next one, the one that I think will win, the one that I have had the most feedback from, is simply called The Diary of Anne Frankenstein. It's great. It marries the best of both worlds. And when they capture and they sadly, you know, kill her,

they can reanimate her. Sequel rights, I still win. That's the main thing. How about you? What have you been up to? What about Mona Lisa... What about some kind of Mona Lisa vampire crossover

in the Louvre? What about Mona the Vampire Lisa? There you go. See? No, they didn't fucking like it anymore just because I helped. It's going to be a long night. Right, so that's it. That's all you've got.

What about Woodrow Wilson, a cult master? Cilla Black, rapist. What next? Are you going to... Have you got up your sleeve tonight? All right, in this case, it's the part of the show to get us all warmed up, to give Eli something to do, is that we don't really do satire on the show

because we don't watch the news. But what I do do is I pick a few titles out of the news world, and I run them past Eli, and he gives me blunt, forced satire, right? Quick responses, tiny little satire set-ups. Are you ready? Yes. Scottish independence. Not going to happen.

David Letterman retires. Who cares? Mickey Rooney's on timely death. Oh, Minnie's going to be so sad. Bruce Forsythe retires from Strictly Come Dancing. He's got a part now on Walking Dead. Oh! Boom! Chugga-boom, chugga-boom, chugga-bow! Bruce Forsyth retires from Strictly Con Dancing he's got a part now on Walking Dead no

boom chukabung chukaboo chukabow fucking hell Maria Miller scandal now I'll tell you what

if I was in charge this wouldn't fucking happen she'd be out she's not someone in your cab get out of the cab what we need in this country no finally got one more

thank you Turkey bans Twitter pussycat boycotts Facebook Get out of the cab! What we need in this country. No, finally got one more. Thank you. Turkey bans Twitter. Pussy cat boycotts Facebook. Fair play. Good, so this is our Easter-ish episode because it will come out on the podcast next week. So we're going to do an Easterly flavouredly kind of show. So we thought we'd look into some Easter traditions

and I gave Eli a job to do so. What did you come up with? Well, did you know? No. No, I'm just... I haven't said it yet. I know. There's some funny Easter traditions in Czechoslovakia. Or the former Czechoslovakia. Before we go any further,

anyone from the Czech Republic here tonight? Slay them. Good. Alright. This is all real. We haven't made this up. This is what we researched. Alright. Get this, okay? This is all real. We haven't made this up. This is what we researched. All right. Get this, okay? This is fucking weird, actually. The traditional food eaten at Easter time in the Czech region is lamb.

However, since lamb is somewhat unusual meat for Czechs, and not one that most people are very fond of, the tradition of eating lamb has been replaced by a symbolic lamb. Something that symbolises a lamb? You see many stalls selling lambs made out of gingerbread. Fucking get a lamb. What's your problem, Czech? They might have a whole thing of

oh, the gingerbread lamb's going to get you. It's just weird. It's like us going, at Christmas we're going to have a Malteser turkey. That's not a bad idea. It's disgusting. we're going to have a Malteser turkey. That's not a bad idea. Because turkey's disgusting. Everyone's going to want a Malteser.

You're right, right? I know I do. Why would you not? I mean, what have they got against lamb? It's delicious. Because they're so adorable. Bit of mint.

Bit of mint sauce. Yeah, exactly. What have you got against gingerbread? I'll tell you what I've got against gingerbread. I'll tell you. It's fucking shit.

That's what I've got against it. It's dry. Nasty. It's I'll tell you. It's fucking shit. That's what I've got against it. It's dry, nasty. It's just dry and nasty. It gets all hard. You lick the icing off, it's fucking done. And weirdly enough, that's exactly how he describes his sex life. Oh, God. So go on.

So the lamb thing, good. What else did they do? That's weird, that lamb thing, isn't it? But even weirder than that, which I think... No! Go on. Which I uh we should start taking up here okay so this is what happens in the czech republic um leaning against the sides of the wooden market stools are sticks festooned with colored ribbons on the top made of braided willow branches this bit's immaterial these sticks serve a very important role in an unusual Czech tradition. These holiday

branches are known locally as Pomlaska. Apologies to Czech people who can speak the language. On Easter Monday in towns and villages all across the country, boys and men arm themselves with Pomlaska and join up with friends and relatives to pay visits to as many houses in their

area as possible. Girls stay at home and when visitors arrive, they're happy to bend over and be whipped with the Easter stick. Oh, yeah. So happy, in fact, that they will reward their male visitors with a stiff drink

before the group moves on to the next house. Why don't we have shit like that here? We've got fucking eggs. What else is on that? How shit is that? I want to go and spank a girl and get a drink.

Okay, so hang on. Wait, wait, wait, wait. There's more to this. As the legend goes, if a woman is beaten by the stick, she'll remain both beautiful and fertile

for the coming year. It depends how hard you beat her, doesn't it? If you beat her across the face, no. You could cause some damage. It's like, you're going to be pretty, love,

but you are crippled forever. So, right, but this explains why women are eager to be hit. Of course, they make a game of it. I'm only reading what YouTube told me. It's not us. It's the Czech. They've got lovely beer. Let me tell you that. They make a game of it where some women will open the door

and encourage the men to chase them around the house. I love this. It's like Benny Hill. They've turned it into Benny Hill, they have. Brilliant. But it's all done in good fun, right? And the fun and games don't end enough too soon. Women spend the afternoon nursing sore bottoms while the boys drink vodka.

And that's Easter. That, to be honest, sounds fucking fantastic. Better than Easter here. Yeah. I'd love to see that. Someone nursing a bottom while I drink. Strictly cum spanking. Which again, is a porn film I think already exists. I'm not quite sure. So that's it.

But have you got any Easter stories though? Do you think of Easter? Do you like it? I think Easter's a bit of a shit one, isn't it? Because it's always a different time of year. You don't know when it's going to fucking come. But what? There's a bunny.

Bunnies are scary fucking animals, man. Think about it. Weird. All right? Just think about a bunny. Is there any pet lovers in here who have bunnies? Yeah? Well, yeah.

You've got rabbits, have you? And what's the thing? They just sit there with their nose twitching, fucking with a little pellet shit, looking weird. They're not affection little pellet shit. Looking weird. They're not affectionate, they're just floppy. Weird, floppy beast men. Eli Silverman

who died today. Seriously, that's all you had to offer by, I hate rabbits, fuck Easter. That's not, because the thing with me, I used to really love Easter as a kid. One year, okay, so I need to put a bit of backstory to this. When this when i was very very young when i was like five or six um i looked exactly like the milky bar kid i was tiny i had bright blonde hair and a little kind of mushroom shape because my mum cut my hair that's depressing um and i had big glasses on

and then for four years my mum made me go to every single milky bar kid audition and i don't remember it too much but mum said i did cry a lot so i maybe didn't like it at that years, my mum made me go to every single Milky Bar kid audition. And I don't remember it too much, but mum said I did cry a lot. So I maybe didn't like it at that point. So my mum thought, oh, well, he looks like it. He's auditioned for it. So let's just spend Easter getting him nothing but Milky Bar eggs. So she got me seven Milky Bar eggs. Lovely.

No, because I really like Milky Bars for the first egg. For the second one, not so keen. Four hours later, I'd finished all the eggs. And then another 30 minutes after that was vomit time so i went completely off white chocolate and now i've got the same opinion of white chocolate if you have a rabbit fuck that noise i do not like it was it weird white like a like an abethan foam party of vomit the vomit came out like if you cut a whale's spelly and it just spilled out that's what it kind of looked like you know what well Once I was in Highgate and I'd been up all night drinking wine. I was in a suit

and I vomited, right? And it was just like blood red in the street. And someone told their kid not to look at me. So Easter eggs and vomit. Merry Easter. That's all I've got for Easter. What have we got next then? We've reached an impasse. So Easter eggs and vomit. Merry Easter. That's all I've got for Easter. All right. What have we got next then?

What have we got next? We've reached an impasse. No, here's what we've got. We've got the Easter egg. So here's what we're going to do now. Because our resident MC, Joseph Wilson, who, give a round of applause to Joseph Wilson, please, because he always keeps us in line for the show.

We wanted to get Joe Moore involved in the podcast despite being Joseph Wilson. So what we wanted to do was give him a challenge. So give in the podcast despite being Joseph Wilson. So what we wanted to do was give him a challenge. So give a round of applause to Joseph Wilson. We get him onto the stage, please. And we'll explain what happens next. So come on. Yeah, you can grab that if you want.

So this is going to be your bit, Joe. Here we go. Hello. Would you like to tell a story about being sick on Easter or anything like that? Would you care to talk about vomit? No? I once vomited so hard after I got drunk from my Yorkshire cousins when they came down.

And when I was 14, I had two bottles of red wine and I couldn't stop vomiting the next day. I couldn't eat. I was actually throwing up bile. And once I was running all the way to the toilet. Comedy! Gold! And I was running to the toilet because I was throwing up. And I threw up in front of me because I was running on water comedy gold and I was running to the toilet

because I was throwing up and I threw up in front of me because I was running I actually slipped over and landed on my back on green vial did you carry on being sick so it came out like

one of those chocolate fountains but in vomit just green and I thought oh Jesus you know I've got to say I've just remembered

another vomit story sorry I was so bad it It was so bad. Drinking vodka, that's the one that gets you, vodka, because it goes down smooth. Once, it was so bad that I vomited. I slipped over in my own vomit, and then

I kind of passed out, and they tried to move me. They were like, Eli, Eli, you're lying in your vomit. And I went, oh, shut up. And then I tried to pull the duvet over me, but the duvet wasn't the duvet. It was vomit. I was snuggling up in the vomit. Nice. So this is what we're going to do for this part of the show.

We're going to give you a challenge, right? Every episode, we're going to send you away, and you've got to research something for the next episode. Come back and do a little report on it, two, three minutes, all right? Okay. And then we'll test you. Maybe the audience will test you. But the idea is you're going to try and inform us and the crowd

every week and then we'll give you another task for the next show, right? So what have we decided his first task is going to be? We're going to start at the beginning with the big bang No, you don't have to do it now I can do it now if you like Oh, go on

I don't want to spoil next week I guarantee it's not going to be that much different so let's just it's going to have a few longer. I guarantee it's not going to be that much different. So let's just... It's going to have a few longer words in, but basically it's going to be, God did it. I don't know. Oh, fuck.

Yeah, see, I got you. So all you've got to do is do a little bit of research, but there's only two rules. Okay. You can only use Wikipedia or YouTube for your research, okay? Because who needs to go to university these days when you can do all your learning online? What happens if, by by mistake does it still because i'm searching for youtube or wiki wiki yeah all right good wiki wiki wild wild west wow and i thought i was the arsehole that's no not at all

not at all i broke that all right circa. What happens, because I need to look for Wikipedia, only on Wikipedia and YouTube. That's right. What happens, though, technically, is this a kind of like hole in the fucking woodwork? If I type in YouTube, but it goes straight on my cursor to YouPorn, therefore, can I somehow go through YouPorn

and then go to YouTube? I'm just, just want to know. Well, basically, if you turn up with a very different Big Bang next week, I'll be very, very disappointed. Wickedy, wackity, schmuckadoo. Apple sauce. Apple sauce. No, no, no.

Go on. If you want to wank, Joe, you can do that in your own time. For it is my privilege. You can tell us about that if you want. But that it is my privilege. Yeah, it is. You can tell us about that if you want, but that isn't the task. If you, you can wank.

But so, yes, as I was saying, Joe, if you want to wank, that's fine, but let's keep it separate from the,

the task at hand, which is. So to speak, so to speak. Okay. All right. So is there something, because this is for next week

that I have to look up on the Big Bang Theory and. You have to explain. Not the sitcom. Not the sitcom. Not the have to explain the sitcom. Not the sitcom. Not the sitcom. Not the sitcom.

Although, to be honest, we will give you a minor pass if you do come up with a whole seven seasons of Big Bang. Apparently, I look like the guy with glasses from the Big Bang Theory someone sold me. Do you? No. They all wear glasses. Howard, do I look like Howard?

No. Look, Seth Rogen. They all... Howard Howard Howard no look Seth Rogen they all I some other can't wear glasses some other Jew

as my brother says I look like every fat guy from Hollywood that's my brother yes you do doesn't your brother

say you look like every single family member in Roseanne yes no it's ladies ladies anyone it's Seth Rogen with the glasses and then Jonah Hill to say you look like every single family member in Roseanne. Yes. Yeah. Ladies.

Ladies. Anyone? It's Seth Rogen with the glasses and then Jonah Hill if you take him off isn't it? Take him off. Seth Rogen.

Oh fuck you. They're not good looking chaps but I will do it because I've got no joke. Jonah Hill. See.

Hello. Right. I better research that. Okay. uh next week's big bang might be you okay if you're lucky i don't know if you come back and say yeah it was a massive explosion and then sperm i don't fucking know i don't know where i was going with that to be honest lack of comedy oh big oh fuck it so is there anything now because this is for next week and the people uh in this the room now might not know that you're that ugly no no they've got that yes but uh is there anything that i can from the audience someone can say that i could tell jesus wow i don't even think they know what you're talking about I don't know what's going on Does anyone know what he's saying?

I don't Oh my god It's alright because He's fine because not only has he got no foreskin But he's got no penis either So it's a win-win for you It's all good You don't mind do you?

Actually no that's not fair to Joe He has a massive penis. It's so big, he uses the channel tunnel as a fleshlight. It's that big. Alright, that was fun. I was really hoping that would bomb that joke. But is there anything, what I'm trying to

say is for this task, for this audience tonight, is there anything, Big Bang Theory next week, but is there anything tonight that I could do for this task that maybe I could ask the audience that I could explain? Tell a joke. Don't push it. Don't push your luck.

Go on, tell us a joke. Don't wait. Tell us a classic joke. Well, talk of what he said because he was being a bit of a cunt. Let me explain. Vagina. It's all right. Vagina.

Vagina was invented in the year... something. Adam and Eve... Joe, seriously. Your time's over. It's like that guy you see in Speaker's Corner going, I am not mad, but God has made a beetroot.

Let me tell you, this is a challenge, and it's a challenge I will accept. Yes. Yes! Yes! Fuck you, Putin! a challenge, and it's a challenge I will accept. Yes. Yes. Yes. Fuck you, Putin. I don't know what that means. Well, yes.

Big band theory next week. Done. That was like having sex with Joe. Lots of build up, nothing at the end of it. And the foreskin. And the foreskin. Is the cock luck of a going? No.

There's loads of circumcised guys downstairs. They're all gagging for it with their shiny knob heads out. And their caps. You know what? You know what? Elaborate, Eli. Elaborate. You know what?

In America, you don't have to even be Jewish. They'll just snip you, whatever, and then charge you for it. Yeah. She'll charge you for it. And it's utter crap. Well, you're American. What do you feel about this? Are you circumcised?

No. Ladies. Hey, hey, don't put down that one woman that likes round heads. Okay, good. Oh. What she said so for ladies who don't like foreskins joe's your man for people who like big soggy wind socks you've got you've got eli silverman and i i'm the random factor what am i i don't know wow the choice ladies the fucking choice the genetics that you could fuck

yeah look at us if the world ended tonight it was just us and a room who had to repopulate oh dear I don't know should we just send you off now

I think we're done I need to search and explore he'll be around ladies and gentlemen for the time being Joseph Wilson everybody thank you thank you, Joseph Wilson, everybody. Thank you.

Thank you. So, Joseph Wilson will be reporting next week on the Big Bang Theory and all penises. I've lost track of what we were talking about now, to be quite honest with you. It's your bit.

I'm going to leave you all the way over to it now. Eli, what have you got for us tonight? I've got a real rarity. Yeah. I collect vinyl. Now, this particular

piece of vinyl, TV themes. Shall I just hold it particular piece of vinyl, TV themes. Shall I just hold it up a little bit? TV themes. It's got a lovely pink cover there. And you can see it's a gift from Pascal Murray. And I believe they were suite makers in the CCCs.

We're not that old by the way. There's a space on the back of this for the Pascal Murray representative to sign. So it's some kind of freebie, but it's got some creepy-arsed Pascal Murray-related shit on it, which I'm going to play now. So the idea was it was a promotional thing. They'd give these singles out to sweet shops and say,

stock our sweets and you get this free creepy record. And so we're going to just play a little bit of it for you now. Are you ready? Or is it going to be 15 minutes of you fucking about with a needle again? I think it's going to be 15 minutes of fucking about. I'm going to get comfortable. Here we go. Ready? We hope you've enjoyed these last 13 minutes of memorable music brought to you with the compliments of Pascal Murray.

Thank you. To keep the flavour of these great television themes lingering longer, why not turn the record over and begin again from the top? And then kill yourself. This is the scary bit. It's near the end of The Wicker Man when they have him in It's like that. It's the Wicker Man

sweet version. The Candy Man. Oh, that's good. You like killing It's a scary fairground and I've got no foreskin So there you go. There you go.

There's my bit. That is final selection this week. It's Creepy. They don go. There's my bit. That's his final selection this week. It's Creepy. They don't know what they're applauding. I think they're just being polite. Yeah. I think they've just gone, what the fuck?

All right, good. Okay, this has become, this part of the show, my favorite part of the show. Basically, what I like to do is, because let's look at Eli. He needs feeding and caring for, basically, when you look at him. And so I try and do that. And so I try and get him food so he can eat on a budget. And we've bought things in the past for him. We've bought Chinatown weird food, squids, things, and weird...

If you haven't listened to last week's podcast, do. It basically involves us trying to eat green jello and not being sick on stage. With green tea jelly. It was not nice. So what I've done for you today is I've prepared a three-course meal instead. Oh, yeah. So are you quite ready? I'm absolutely a hundred percent ready. Right. Uh, can you just hold this microphone a bit? What have

you got for me, Paul? So, uh, I've, I've got you three meals, right? So, uh, I just need to get them for you. I don't like this. He hasn't prepared me for this. He hasn't told me. Um, what is it? What is it? Oh no. What flavor is it? I've got you rice pudding baby food, we're going to eat that tonight, but what I thought I'd do is, do it like it's meant to be done. Oh my, this tastes, smell that. If that, that doesn't smell like rice pudding, that smells like rice in pudding, that's what that's like. So, ready? Oh, I just got that. Here comes the foreskin. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Here we go. How is it? Um. Shut up. I'm not burping him. You need to be spanked for Easter, love. Then I'll drink some vodka. Fucking watch you nurse your arse.

I'm coming across a bit misogynist here. Didn't mean to. Do you want another bite? I'm a lovely guy, really. Do you want another one? Yeah, actually, that was all right. Woo-woo! Chop-chop-chop-chop-chop? Yeah, actually, that was all right. Woo, woo!

Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug. Woo-hoo! What's it like? It's quite bland. It's nice. It's nice. Paul, are you all right? Jesus.

That's quite exhausting. You will eat anything That was nice It's baby food What? It's inoffensive It tastes a bit like a Like a shit in my mouth It tastes a bit like a melted rusk

Nice Who would like a try? Anyone want a try? Oh yeah, okay They will agree It's not too bad You know what it is? It's just your association

You associate that with responsibility And sick And you know all of those pictures of babies With it all smeared all over their fuckers Their tuckers Alright, okay, I've got you a clean spoon So you don't get any of this, you know, germs Yeah, but look, my spoon's already in there

Sorry Look, my spoon's already in there. Sorry. Ready? Oh, she doesn't look happy. What did you think? To be honest, not too bad. Yeah, that's what I said. All right.

You're going to have to try harder to disgust me, I tell you that. Would you like to try some? It tastes like cum. I'm sure I wouldn't know. She went, oh, it tastes like cum. Yes. Just to qualify. No, they're agreeing with each other now.

Just so we're aware, does it taste like cum, sir? Yes. That's good. Right, on to the second part of the meal now. Can I just say, it only tastes like cum if your boyfriend has been very considerate and has been eating a lot of rice pudding and bananas for weeks. For weeks and weeks, and strawberries and stuff, and those pills you get from Japan that make your cum taste nice.

Oh no, I don't like the look of this. This one is the main meal. This is your dinner. This is sweet squash and chicken. Oh no, I don't like it. A baby food. It's organic, so... Oh, no!

Oh, no. Just get the spoon in me. I'm ready. I'm ready. It's down in one. It's not been swallowed yet. Okay, now, we've crossed the line of disgusting. That is truly, truly manky.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Don't! If you thought the rice pudding... He's going to vomit! You're going to vomit if you try that! I've had a little bit.. Don't. If you thought the rice pudding... He's going to vomit. You're going to vomit. If you try that. I've had a little bit.

I can't. That tastes like a tramp's cum. And so question number two is, how do you know? Do you know how I know, Paul? Because I suck off tramps all night. I do it all night. I'm filthy.

They call me filthy. He's like a trap sucker offer. How the fuck do you think I know? Seriously. So anyone in the audience would like to try the sweet squash and chicken? Anyone would be brave?

No. I want to give it to someone else. Who's going to be brave enough to try it? No. All right, you're going to try it. Alright, this is a clean spoon so you're going to be fine.

What did you think, sir? Jesus. Really bad. Really bad, am I right? Really bad. That's if your baby's been acting up all day. You want to punish the fucker.

I don't know if this meant to go out in the baby or came out of the baby but either way. That's if your baby's been acting up all day. You want to punish the fucker. I don't know if this is meant to come out in the baby or came out of the baby, but either way. It's the same, man. It's nasty. So we've got one last one for you tonight. Oh, I just can't wait. I can't wait. What have we got now?

This is your dessert. This is your dessert. It is apple and pear pudding. Now, that sounds all right. Yeah? Excuse me. Right. Right.

Now, this one does smell like vomit. I'm ready. Ready? I've got a mucky body. Don't turn this into something weirder than it is. Please. You're the one who decided to feed me baby food. I'm just getting into the character.

The thing is, I would love to see you in a pair I'm just getting into the character. The thing is, I would love to see you in a pair of Pampers and nothing else. 500 quid. Yeah, all right. I've said too much. Are you ready for the last one?

Yes. Right, one. Here we go. Ready? Is it the bullet train? Yeah, yeah. It's the Fortkin Express. Oh, no.

Ready? One, two, three. Shut up. Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch- that's quite nice yeah yeah you like that one it's kind of it's got that appley

apple taste yeah it's a bit like it's a bit like someone I just called I got a bad gag reflex, that's all. You really do, man. You gag at anything.

Are you alright, Paul? I don't think I'm going to have to do the show without him. I meant to make you feel uncomfortable on stage, not me. Yeah. Who would like to try the final one today? This guy here, this guy here. Come on, it's lovely. Where is he? You've missed a bullet.

It's that fucking carrot Sweden nonsense one. That is the worst one. Yeah, it's lovely. Where is he? You've missed a bullet. It's that fucking carrot Sweden nonsense one. That is the worst one. Yeah, it's really bad. I'm about to stick it in your mouth. Ready? It's all right, isn't it? It's perfectly fine. It's alright, isn't it?

It's perfectly fine. His face was literally like, I just came and now I regret everything. I've got an idea though. Yes? Would you like to go and double... Do you want to do the Brucey bonus? What's the Brucey bonus? I'm going to take a bit of everything on one spoon

and give it to you. No. Oh, come on. All right, then. I've got a strong stomach. Do you know what I used to do as a child? This is true, for attention. Wank.

No, not wank, Paul. I used to swallow live earthworms. That's true. I used to do it in the playground. What would you do? I used to swallow live earthworms. That's true. I used to do it in the playground. What would you do? I used to swallow live earthworms to get kids to look at me.

This has stopped being a show. It's true. It's stopped being a show and become self-help for Elon, hasn't it? Right, you ready? That's how I ended up doing this, probably.

It's a direct line. Look how pretty that is. Look at this. Ready? Last one. This is the super mashup version. Oh. Oh. Yeah. Yeah! Yeah. That it? Thank one. This is the super mashup version. Oh. Oh.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah, there we go. I can taste the swede. It's the swede coming through. So which one of those three do you like the best?

The first, the rice pudding. The rice pudding. Yeah, I could eat that. You can go home tonight with the rice pudding. It's got everyone's saliva in it now. I'm not touching that. Surely that's a boon, right? It's not a boon.

You just rub it all over your naked body. And then stick it all in your foreskin. I'm hoping that... Squeeze it out like a zit. This is degenerated, you know? The first time we did this, we had some nice crisps, you know, some unusual crisps. Some sweets.

Have you not realised that all I want to do in this segment is make you violently sick on stage? Is that not sank in yet? Can I have a request? Yeah, go on. Could I have some marshmallows next week, please? Okay, yeah, I'll give you some marshmallows.

All right. And? And what? Secret. Okay. Cheap eats. Cheap eats. That's our cheapap Eats section.

Yay! At any time of the week, Eli gets fed. So it's your next bit, Eli. So tell us all about our next section. Well, as well as doing this, I do other stuff. You'd be surprised to hear. One of the things I do is I DJ in pubs and nightclubs. Like the Blues Kitchen across the road.

I DJ there twice a month. And this section is where I regale you with what I like to call my tales from the dance floor. You don't sell it very well this week, do you? Usually you put a lot more gusto in. This one, we need a theme tune, yeah. Eli Silverman has no life, wanks himself to death in his room.

It's just wank, wank, wank with you, isn't it? I think I've already, like, hit the top wank joke with, like, sucking tramps off, alright? Can we get off the potty mouth now? This is serious, this is culture, it's my tales from the dance floor. Fine, go with it.

Thank you. That got a laugh. See? Right. Okay. So, a lot of hateful things get said to you when you're DJing. You get a lot of requests. You know, they say, can you turn it down, please?

So, we were actually DJing together, weren't we, Paul? Yes, we were. In a place called The Bar on Hamway Street. I went to the loo. Good. And I came back and some girl was nudging the DJ box to the extent

that it was making the record skip. So I said to her, please could you not bump the DJ box so it makes the record slip? And she went, you arrogant fuck. You arrogant, how dare you? How dare you say that to me? Do you know what?

I know about disco, she said. I know about disco. I've studied disco. What? What's that got to do with it? What's that got to do? What's that got to do? If you'd studied disco, you'd know that records need not to be bumped

by silly morons. That is not what he said to her on the night, by the way. Usually what happens is you go up to Eli and say, do you have Earth, Wind and Fire? And he goes, no, fuck off! On a good day. So, yeah, because I was there that night and she just basically

was sitting there and she would do this again. I just want to make sure I don't fall through the window when I do this. But she'd just go like that against the DJ booth. Yeah.

Oh, sorry. And it got to that point where I wanted to kill her. In that place, it does get a bit bad because you get drunk idiots in there and then they'll bang

the DJ thing and make it skip and you'll go, listen, sorry. Sorry. you know? Yeah. Could you not do that, please? It's sort of ruining the music for everyone else.

And then they get vicious. They think you're having a go at them. They think you're attacking them personally. So they go, right, I'm going to fucking bang it loads. And then I get them kicked out. Yeah. You do. You have all the power, don't you?

Yeah. Your little fucking Hitler going, I'm going to have you out. Wankers. So. Is that your tell from the Dance Floor? It's not the best one, is it? It wasn't very good this week, was it? Make one up now. Someone came up to me.

Oh, no, you know, here's a little thing. This is more of a... Not your penis again. We can't talk about that all night. This is more of a phenomenon from the dance floor. You know, people, they love to ask for requests. They love to, you know, have their little say about what's good and what's bad in the music world.

But what I've noticed is a lot of people will, you'll put on a tune, let's say, by Stevie Wonder. Perhaps it's not Superstition or, you know, his most famous number. It's not that one. And you'll be playing a tune by Stevie Wonder and they'll come up and go, excuse me, could you play some Stevie Wonder? See, what they haven't realised

is that Stevie Wonder is actually playing. And it's hard to say to them, this is Stevie Wonder, without sounding like an arrogant fuck who's just totally called them a total idiot, which is what they are, essentially. If everyone's got Shazam, they could have Shazammed it,

gone, oh, dodged a bullet there. At least I didn't ask for Stevie Wonder. Because this is Stevie Wonder. I would have looked like such a fucking idiot if I'd asked for Stevie Wonder whilst it was fucking playing. You know? It's like when James Brown was on and someone came up to you and went, have you got any funk?

Yeah. This is funk. Yeah. He is literally the progenitor of the funk for fuck's sake what the guy asking or james brown james brown just checking i wasn't i wasn't quite sure is that your tales of the dance that's my tales with an extra phenomenon from the dance floor thank you yes good this guy's clapping and he had to eat the shit water brilliant thank you mate okay right so uh this is part of the podcast now where we've decided to be of a service to people. Some people don't listen to this in their office.

Some people listen to podcasts all over the place. Some people like to jog when they listen to things. Some people like to cook. What we've decided to do is we're going to help people out. Anyone listening to this podcast right now might be up to something. So if right now you happen to be a little bit stressed, a little bit wound up, we're going to give you all, well, who's listening, a relaxation tape. This is just a moment for the listeners at home.

It's a little service. It's a relaxation tape bit we're going to do, okay? Anyone just goes with us. Anyone can listen to this now and just relax. So let's just put some music on. Just put some music on. Hello. And welcome to Relaxing with Eli and Paul.

Are you comfy? Why don't you take something off? Imagine you're on a beach. The waves are crashing against your naked, supple body. Instead of sand, it's soft, soft pillows. And now, you feel the pillows gently caressing your firm buttons. And as you lie there, all the stress of the day just eases away. Think of your home. Did you leave the gas on? Have you put on weight?

Here's a little thing. Stop eating cake. Stop eating cake. Stop eating cake. Your husband comes home late these days, doesn't he? And relax. And as you gently fall to sleep, just listen to my words. Look out! Look out! Oh, you scared me. And relax. What are those birdies doing? They're looking for nuts.

There's no nuts on the beach. They're pecking at me The birdies Pecking at my eyes The birds All the marshmallows covered in blood All the marshmallows They're melting, I'm suffocating

I'm drowning And relax Right, that'll do That's our relaxation tape Hopefully you'll I'm drowning. And relax. Right, that'll do. That's our relaxation tape. Hopefully you'll get something out of that. What are we going to have next week on that section? We're going to have a little thing to encourage people to exercise.

Yeah, we'll do an exercise one, I think, next time. A bit more upbeat. So if you're going to exercise to a podcast, we'll have something for you next week. I think we're moving on. Oh, no, we've got your next bit. This is something that's new and I want to see how it goes. All right. Now,

everyone's got their favourites, haven't they? Yeah. And everyone's got like three favourites, the three top things of every category in the world. You know,

I know I do. I like to categorise everything I like into the top three of them. And... Yeah, you've made it clear. Yeah, good.

And this is my section. It's called Eli's Top Three. Is it? Fuck! How did you come to that decision? And the first top three on this inaugural top three bit are Eli's Top Three Nuts. Now nuts are a very important

snack food. They're a whole snack category in themselves, so it's an important thing, right? And my top three nuts, without a doubt, are peanut. Oh no, that's wrong. I forgot what my fucking top three nuts are.

Why are the lights coming on? Are they kicking us out? No, it's just because someone lent on the light switch. It's ruining the bloody atmosphere. It's either that or the ghost of nuts has come to get you. Ghost nuts. So, I'll tell you

what my top three nuts are. Tell me what your top three nuts are. The money nut, the absolute king nut, has to be the cashew. Am I wrong? Am I fucking wrong? No, I'm not,

because I know nuts, right? It's the cashew. Unquestionably the top nut. Second best nut yeah pistachio oh yeah yes it is yes it is and the third best nut although not technically a nut peanut is it not a nut no it's a pea it's a legume it's not a true nut it's not a true nut so um why do they stick it in chocolate balls and call them nuts then because it? Because it behaves like a nut. How does it behave like a nut? Does it wear a little hat and a cane?

It has the texture of a nut, but in fact it's in the pea family. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah, so what are your top three nuts? My top three nuts are Charlie Manson, because he got all those people to kill other people. Oh, God. No, I'll give you my top three nuts. Okay.

What's the serious business? Pistachio. I'm going to go with you with that. I like pistachio. Well, is that number one? No, it's three. I'm working up to number one. Oh, yeah.

Twat. Number two in the top nuts thing, dry roasted peanuts. Can I do that? Can I add flavour to them? Do they count? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah.

Well, my number one nut. What is it? The Brazil nut. You see, now this is where your whole top three nut... What, collapses? Collapses. Everyone knows. Am I right, guys?

Brazil nuts. You've got them on side, obviously, with the... They all agreed with the cashew being the money nut, which isn't even in your top three, which is fucking ridiculous. You know what's right? You tell even in your top three, which is fucking ridiculous. You know what's right? You tell me what your top three nuts are, and then I'll shut my fucking mouth. How about we just do that from this point on?

Well, that's what this bit's about. What? It's about you asking me what my top three nuts are, and then saying I'm fucking wrong every time I say a nut. No, it's meant to be a discussion. The discussion is you tell me I'm wrong. Can I just say why I think Brazil isn't the top nut? Because I don't have a foreskin.

I don't know what it is at this point. Tell me. Is anyone with me on this? But Brazil nuts taste a bit pissy. That's just a childhood thing. Then I question where you bought your Brazil nuts. You know what? I've got this image in my head of Brazil nuts.

It's associated with a camel urinating. You don't even get camels in Brazil. What about tramps nuts i try and do a bit you you bloody but there's that urban i'm trying to do a bit there's there's that urban legend about brazil nuts though isn't it everyone heard the urban legend about brazil nuts where someone would go to see their granddad and every week he'd say, oh, do you want a Brazil nut from the bowl? And they'd eat all these Brazil nuts. And then it found out that where he got them from

was by buying chocolate Brazil nuts, sucking the chocolate off and then putting them in the bowl. And then you'd eat them afterwards. What a naughty grandpa. Yeah, dirty granddad and his pissy nuts. Which is the Harry Potter book that was not made. Funnily enough. Now, I'm interested to know, does anyone disagree with my top three nuts?

So, just to recap, I've got cashew, the ultimate king of fucking nuts, no question asked, at the top. Pistachio, fucking good nut. And then peanuts, which are an all-purpose nut, but are delicious. Does anyone disagree? Are we missing a nut in this top three fucking comedy-a-thon of nut selection?

Walnuts is a great suggestion. Walnuts. Macadamia. That's just a posh nut, isn't it? Yeah. Almonds. Almonds.

It's a lot of good nuts out there. Can I just say, when I started this show, I didn't think we'd end by shouting out types of nuts. That's what I fucking love. I didn't think we'd end by shouting out types of nuts that's what I that's what I fucking love

I love it when people are shouting out types of things what type of twat you are dickhead see dickhead

he's got it top three insults to idiot talking about nuts alright tramp it's not that great. Tramp sucker.

You splash of dick mess. Oh, God. You know, you wanted to do, you wanted me to come up with something. I've come up with it. And all I'm getting is my top three nuts. That's not entertainment. It's Eli's top three. It's going to be a different top three every fucking week.

Oh, yeah. Next week, top three fucking biscuits. It's going to be a different top three every fucking week. Oh yeah, next week, top three fucking biscuits. It's going to be biscuits next week. Yeah, look. Yeah. Shut up, Paul. We all know we're going to have the Jaffa Cake arguments and it's going to get messy.

Yeah, I'm looking forward to it. Just because you chose the pissiest weird nut as your top nut. That's your opinion. Yeah, it's not even a... It's not even a true nut! Fuck that! Oh, you only allowed one fake walkout.

You've done it. That was my walkout. He's done his fake walkout. If he does that again, everyone, just reprimand him. Piss in my mouth. Yeah, go for it. Let's do that.

Wow, he's getting really visceral in the show, isn't he? Right, biscuits next week. Right, good. So, that's the end of the show. Yay! I know, surprised you. If you want to listen

to the podcast, you can go to our website, geekatorium.net or go to soundcloud forward slash the geekatorium. Follow us on Twitter at the geekatorium.

You can follow us, find out when our next shows are. And other than that, I'd like to say thank you all for coming tonight to the Randall Report for your good other than that, I'd like to say thank you all for coming tonight to the Roundtable Report for your good selves.

Thank you. I want to say thank you for Joseph Wilson for being our amazing MC and guest on the show tonight. And that's it. What are we playing

out with tonight, Mr. Silverman? It's Spinning Rock Boogie by Hank C. Burnett. That's been Paul Gannon. I'm Eli Silverman.

Good night. You've been great. Good night. I'm Eli Silverman goodnight you've been great goodnight Thank you.