CheapShow - Ep 274: A Tale of Two Podcasts

Episode Date: March 25, 2022

In a time-hopping edition of CheapShow, Paul is hopping backwards and forwards in time to challenge both Eli and Mr Biffo to a game of The Price of Shite. Why? Well… With Eli still in America, Paul has to record an episode of the podcast with someone, and luckily Mr Biffo was available to guess the cost of the charity shop tat. However, Paul realises that he can hop forward a week and task a returning Eli to the exact same game. As Paul bounces back and forth, Eli and Biffo go head-to-head to see who will reign supreme. Along the way they’ll talk mutant trains, monkey cruelty, pepper holes, unusual smells, and old toys. All Paul needs to do is hand out the P’twings. Hopefully he can at least manage that. Confused? Don’t be! You’re getting two podcasts for the price of none! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-274-a-tale-of-two-podcasts And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Oh, and you can NOW listen to Urinevision 2021 on Bandcamp... For Free! Enjoy! https://cheapshowpodcast.bandcamp.com/album/urinevision-2021-the-album MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

it's still reversing hello everyone it's cheap show with a difference this week because it's not some podcasts give you one podcast some podcasts give you two we're giving you two we're giving you two two episodes of cheap show at the same time and i'm doing this one this version of it with mr biffo hello hello paul is this like a lenticular picture you know where you oh it's like yeah it's a lenticular podcast yes so if you shift it yeah you can hear eli go ah fuck off paul and then i tip it your way it goes beans or something i don't know what you're famous for i don't do what am i famous for fuck off fuck off i don't know what you're famous for i think't do what am I famous for fuck off fuck off

I don't know what you're famous for I think it's Venus isn't it unfortunately yes these days as uh listen

I'll just say on your behalf because you're too polite stop copying him into Bean based news reports on Twitter yeah no I'm not too polite I tell people to stop

doing that all the time you know what you could do you could create a Venus um Twitter account there is one and then they should just go all there don create a Venus Twitter account. There is one. And then they should just go all there.

Don't work. Doesn't it? No. There is one. Is there? Someone else started it and then I said, because he started

tweeting as Venus. Oh dear. Don't do Venus. No, don't do that. Don't do Venus. Because people started thinking that was me. Yeah.

And then I complained to him and he gave me the password and let me have it but I've never really done anything on it. Well, you know, now you've got a choice. No, I don't want to tweet as Venus.

I don't want to do that. Yeah, but you just go to Hootsuite, type in the words Beans! And then set it to go off every few hours. I don't know what Hootsuite is. Is that the band that did that song? I don't want to be with you. Yeah, it's one of those 90s garage bands. Hootsuite and the Blowfish.

Right, anyway, let's begin cheap show are you ready to receive my limp penis succulent chinese dinner no it's meal he went back for a dinner he didn't chinese meal hey eli welcome back to the great british country Hello, Paul. He's just landed. I didn't just land. I landed several hours ago. And I had to get in my bloody bag. With pushy grannies. Do you know what I mean? Letting off their vibe.

Anyway, I'm now in the future. I've jumped from the past into the future where I've got apparently a grotty, miserable Eli. Oh, fuck off. You've been so nice before it rolled. You're the one who's like... It's like, come on, mate. Paul, I've got apparently a grotty, miserable Eli. Oh, fuck off. You've been so nice before it rolled. You're the one who's like, it's like, come on, mate. Paul, I've been in transit. A whole tranche of different...

How long was the journey from leaving the door of where you were staying to entering the door of where you live? 21 hours. Fuck that. And you've been awake the whole time? Yeah. And you're now the old... No, I went to sleep on the plane.

Do you get much sleep? Not a lot. Not a lot? You've got a bit of a Daniels. It's always rougher on the way back across the Atlantic. It is, isn't it? I noticed that as well. It's the slipstream or whatever.

It's what makes it faster as well. Because you're going with the currents or whatever it is, and that makes the plane go faster. And bumpy bumpy. Well, Eli, just so you know, we're doing a special episode this week where you'll be battling with Biffo in the past for supremacy am I from the future

no you're not from the future this is the present what robotic things do I have do I have for me do I have a robot dick yeah and do what's it

crank operated yeah you have a phallotron 4000 and do I have an app on my phone for this yeah beep bop beep erect

beep bop beep half erect beep bop beep limp his sock and beep bop beep spanky spank well mate would you want a button that just instantly made you cum?

You wouldn't, would you? Yeah, I'd be on it all day. You wouldn't. Until I was an exhausted husk. Everyone would. What if the app crashed and you were just like... That's how I want to live. I want to live constantly ejaculating.

Like your cock spurting spunk like an arterial spray from a neck. Why not? That'd be nice. You wouldn't get nothing done. You wouldn't. That'd be nice. I reckon after about... Wouldn't it be nice to have B in ecstasy all the time?

No. You're telling me that wouldn't be nice? I don't think it would be. Think about it. Think about it. Five minutes. Oh, this is great. 20 minutes in, you'd be like...

It wouldn't be playing. It'd be pleasure though. No, it wouldn't. Because eventually it would... No. Oh, I'm talking about a device that makes you feel the feeling of coming. Forget whether you actually come after the first 10 minutes. You're feeling the feeling

in your brain. So you get the feeling but you don't get the ejaculate. Like the end of Brazil. Just in a way in a sponge. Society would shut down if that became a real thing.

I know. We're heading there. What do you think? We are. We're living in the future. This is deep, man. Because they gave a rat cocaine and it just...

It went to Club 76 or something like that. Club 76. I couldn't think of the right club name. Studio 54. Club 76. Club 76 was down the road. Yeah, just for rats.

No, they put an electrode in a rat's brain. Yeah, gave it coke. Well, it was analogous to the part of the brain that is the reward centre which is set off by coke but you can just put a spark straight in it and then what happened

to the rat the rat didn't stop the rat fucking literally rubbed his hand down to the bone pressing the button again and again

and again that's so therefore my point stands yeah that's my point stands ratty ratty ratty excuse me I'd like some service at this fucking charity shop Therefore, my point stands. Yeah, that's my point stands. Ratty, Ratty, Ratty! Excuse me, I'd like some service at this fucking charity shop. There's this fucking old lady behind the counter,

jazzing down until she fucking explodes. Anyway, that's accepted. We're good. We're moving on. Welcome to Cheap Show. Welcome to Cheap Show. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact

of cheap show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap show. It's the Price of Shite. Paul Gannon. Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheap Show And I go and I nuzzle Yes, this week Cheap Show is a kind of sliding doors parallel universe episode But without the special effects because I'm not doing that

I'm bored, did you hear last week's and the last two weeks all the special effects are put into that? Are you asking me or the listeners? Listeners. Am I on this bit? I'm very confused

by the format of this episode. As to whether do I talk now or are you talking to Eli? What's going on? Well, what's going on is I'm going to have to explain this twice now in two timelines. In timeline A Alpha

you're the Alpha timeline I am thank you very much and Eli's the Beta timeline yeah well he's more Omega he's more like far down the far down the Latin alphabet

he's the Amiga man with Charlton Heston in fact yes with didn't he get a crush on a mannequin oh in the film yeah

I don't remember all I remember in that film is that he goes to see the Woodstock movie so many times he can literally talk along with it

in the film I don't remember that bit it's good it's actually quite a good film Mega Man I don't know if you know this but Soylent Green is people oh mate

I was going to watch that tonight I've been waiting all this time to watch it and I thought now's the time because it's set in the year 2022 or something isn't it no Soylent Green I am your father oh no I bet you've been waiting all this time to watch it. And I thought now's the time because it's set in the year 2022 or something, isn't it?

No Soylent Green. I am your father. Oh, no. I bet you've been a ghost this whole time. I have. Right, anyway, Alpha Timeline is we're going to play a game of The Price of Shite, right? Right.

And I'm going to play it with you. And then I'm going to flip a switch and go to the future with the beta timeline. Wouldn't you be going parallel, not to the future? You'd be going kind of sideways. If this is sliding doors, it's not kind of... What about a sci-fi? An alternate reality.

Doctor Who? I'm going to be TARDIS. I'm going to go to Doctor Who. No. I'm going to go to the Doctor Who place. The Doctor Who is going to take me to the future. No. Unless that is the conceit that Eli is in the future i mean i hate to tear

this apart for you but i'm just trying to get you to think about it a bit more clearly i don't want to look the reason you're going sideways because eli lied to me about his return date from america and i was left a week shy of an episode i thought we'd bulk record and instead no i've got to do this protracted clap trap yeah just to get an episode out for the listeners i'm very sorry to everyone uh that i'm here blame eli yeah blame eli in fact blame eli for everything yeah yeah for the the divergent realities as well yeah so this is it we're going on a uh sliders remember that yeah but that was that would mean i'd have to go to a reality where eli was talented or thoughtful or caring or hygienic. I think you should do a whole series

of alternate reality cheat shows. There would inevitably be a Nazi cheat show. There's always a Nazi reality, isn't there? I mean, some of the iTunes reviews we get suggest this already is. Seriously, it's fucking depressing. It's like grubby little podcasts with two horrible people,

probably anti-Semitic, and you think, where the fuck did you get that from? That's, yeah. We're not. At best, we're... Ah, yeah. No.

Why did you say that? I'll edit that out. That's fine. That's the great thing. I don't have to keep all of it in. Magic of editing. So, yeah. So, no, we're not doing sliders.

Either the meat version or the TV version. We're not quantum leaping it either no that would be back into the past yeah we're just going to do an episode where

because Eli lied to me I now have to split this into two but I'm going to pit you and Eli across time in a Price of Shite glorious show

I know you want to get on but can I just say you should have said he lied to me right hang on edit because he lied to me. Edit. Because he lied to me.

That's a good one. Because he is a silver man. Shall we play the game? Yes. Right. I'm in the future now. I've been in the past with Biffo setting it up because unfortunately, Eli,

I have to say that Biffo is the alpha timeline and you're the beta. Why? What happened? Well, it just happened first, didn't it? When did it split? No, there's no split of timeline. Inside my sad split. Inside my sad split.

That's the thing. No, I'm the time traveller in this instance. Oh, you are? I'm jumping between the past and now. Oh, that's why you keep phasing out and going all translucent. Yes. And fizzy. Yeah, so what happens is I go speak to Biffo, we play a little game.

I come into the future. I go into the past. Why does it sound like your mouth? I've got the app. So, what we're going to do today, Mr. Silverman, right, is you're the beta timeline. Okay. Am I fighting to make're the beta timeline. Okay. Am I fighting to make myself the alpha timeline? What would fight?

Is this about timeline dominance? Yes, it is. It's a battle for timeline dominance. It's quite hard to say timeline dominance, but I've managed it about three times. Timeline dominance. Do you know what I mean? It makes your mouth do a lot of work. Yes, and it makes you feel like when you say dominance that you're saying the wrong word but you're not yeah timeline dominant timeline dominance okay

he's a new character write that down oh no from a different timeline stop stop so we're doing a price of shite okay right and you're going to be playing against Biffo. What happened was, a week and a bit ago, Biffo came round to the house on Harrow Hill with me, and we went through five items, and I judged how well he did and what number of petwings he got. Okay, you got those petwings.

And then I jump into the future. Where I am. Where you are. Hello. Hello. Hello. I hope you do better. Because imagine if he does better than you.

Why? It would be a scandal for the podcast. No, it would not. Biffo beats Eli in Price of Shite Calamity. Listen, mate. He wouldn't live it down. Listen, I'm not the best at the Price of Shite. Thanks for giving me the seven.

I've never claimed to be the best at it. I'm easily out of us two, the underperformer. The thing is, we've never really to be the best at it I'm easily out of us two the underperformer the thing is we've never really taken a tally of how we've done game to game year to year you had more betwings on and even before they were betwings you had more of those points but either way no one's ever really done a proper tally of every

single game we've done over the past close to 280 episodes so you know what I mean we should employ someone to do that I've got an idea. I think once I get my book out of the way, I might see if I can raise funds for a Cheap Show book where we could do an episode guide, episode by episode, and list down the first instance of that character

and the first thing we did that. That'd be good. And a list of all the things we review or read. That'd be good. You know, I think it would be. It'd be fun. Like those Simpsons episode guide books. Yeah.

Cheap Show. If you're interested, why not comment in the comments below in the comments okay so what do I do where's my between where's my between coming from

well the between is coming from me I am the between giver murderer and yeah I'm going to hop back and forth

in the timeline yeah yeah and then at the end once you've finally got all your betwings I'm going to call Biffo up not in the past

in the now in the now and I'm going to reveal Biffo up. Not in the past, in the now. In the now. And I'm going to reveal who wins. Now, Paul, when you go hop back in time, subjectively for me, what am I going to perceive? You're not seeing anything.

I won't even know you've done it. No, it's like... It's like quantum leap. You just come back to the exact same moment. Yeah, it's like quantum leap. So my gestalt entity is rising out of me traveling through time back in the past i'm going a blippity-plop into paul in the past and then entity does sound like

um how a guru in the 60s would describe coming do you want to see my guest manifest the gestalt entity all over your big fucking chinny chin chin. You know what? When you make that mouth noise, that sounds like Lady Plop's doing a shit. It's because I have a wet mouth. You fucking do have a wet mouth. I have one of the wettest mouths in the world. My mouth is like...

Cutting that out. Damp mouth, Gannon. All right, I'm ready, Paul. I'm ready. Are you ready? Yes. So how do you think you're doing going in? Are you excited?

I am jet-lagged to shit. Yes, we need to point that out. And tired. So I might not have my acuity all screwed up. Right. Well, in that case, I'm just going to pop back in time to Biffo and get things going at his end. All right, cool.

I'm going to make sound effects now. Why am I doing it now? All right, see you in a bit. get things going at his end. All right, cool. Make sound effects now. Why am I doing it now? See you in a bit. I'm going to stay in here. I'm confused. Do you want to sing along? Have you ever sung along with The Price of Shite before?

The fucking Price of Shite, that one. Yeah, I'm going to point at you and you say, and that's right. Okay? And that's all you have to do. And that's right. In a tune?

Well, you'll figure it out once I get started. Oh, I see. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bum. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking, fucking, how are you trucking? Fucking price of shite. That's right!

There we go. And look, there was no arguments. We got on fine. You went with it. You rode with it. But I meant to. I bet you in the future timeline, now Eli's going to give me shit. I know what he's doing. He's going, yeah, the fucking, fucking Price of Shite.

The fucking, fucking Price of Shite. You can calm down. I don't need it from you. I get it from him. I was doing my impression. I've never seen you do an Eli impression. Well, it's just zip it out of Rainbow, isn't it? Yeah, it is, isn't it?

Basically. I'm George. Right, so we're going to play the Price of Shite. You know how it goes, right? Yeah. I'm going to show you, in this case, five items, okay? Now, I'm going to tell you this. Each item is under a quid, and all in, across five items,

it's no more than three pounds. Ooh. This is a super cheap Price of Shite. Well, that makes sense if they're all under a quid, and there's only three items there. Oh, there's five items. Oh, there's five. Sorry, I missed that bit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But one might be... Actually, the last item is over a quid. I'll give you that in advance and I'll remember to make a note of that. Hold on. You said they're all under a quid and now one's over a quid.

The last one, the grand finale, is over a quid. You're messing with my mind. But the four items leading up to it will be under a quid each. Okay. Yeah. Got it. So the big money prize or big money object. The big finale prize be under a quid each. Okay. Got it. So the big money prize or

big money object. The big finale prize. I've got a question for you that I've often wondered about Price of Shite particularly. What do you do with all the shite? Some of it we keep. Look at the shelves and stuff around. Oh yes. And some of it we give back to charity shops. Well actually most of it we give back to

charity shops. You put some in a bin though don't you? Well some of it gets broken and we can't use it, most of it we give back to charity shops. You put some in a bin though, don't you? Well, some of it gets broken and we can't use it or some of it's like rancid or dirty and shouldn't have been touched by anyone in the first place before it got to us.

There are some times, no offence, I mean, we love the things you send in but sometimes I pick stuff up and I go, I'm going to have to rinse my hands with bleach.

Do you know I've been sent two 3D printed cocks now? Yeah, I don't. Do you know who sends those? I don't know who's sending them. I've had two now. Because they're weird, like dinosaur cocks, aren't they?

They've got, like, muscular legs. Like T-Rex. T-Rex is, but with a penis for an upper body. Like an erect penis. Dick Rex. T-Dicks. No, I've got it, I've got it.

Go on. D-Rex. Yay! Yeah. Astegastordix. no I've got it I've got it go on D-Rex yeah yeah Astegastordix Tyrannostordix so here is so

five items yes dear the first four under a quid yes the fifth will be over a quid yes

now rules apply if you're within 20p 25p either way the actual price you get one per twing yeah

I like my per twings you get it spot on you get two per twings yes per twings per twings it's good do i have to do a kind of what do you have to do an impression of joe pesci from goodfellas i was channeling a bit of davros there oh bobby dav bobby dav b-dav b-dav's his new name back in the show because that was an aside I'm not keeping that I don't think I can keep the Bobby Dav

Bobby Dav or the Taron thing that I told you it's all going out it's all cut out for legal reasons but it was good

so the rules are in place yes four minutes I thought this would be quicker Eli four right here's your first item yes

right yes what I want you to do look at it and tell me what it is and how much you think it's cost why is it in the still in the bubble wrap because i want you to touch the same mangy stuff i do it's an egg cup with thomas the tank engine on it yeah and friends yeah now this was sent from rick this is a combination of two Price of Shite PO boxes. So, go into a bit more detail. What is the shape of the egg cup?

It's egg cup shape, Paul. What the fuck do you want me to say? It's the shape of an egg cup with a picture. It's not quite. It's got flat sides. It's got an octagonal. Wow. I'm going to count them.

You ready, everyone? One. One. Two. Two. Three. Three. Four.

Four. Five. Five. Six. Six. Seven. Eight. Don't. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Don't. I was struggling as it was because I couldn't remember which side I touched initially. So don't mess with my count. Eight octagonal, you were right. But it's not entirely because it's a rounded octagonal shape. But the base, the base is very rounded.

It looks like almost like it's been worn away through rubbing, through too much rubbing of the base. Too many egg worship days. Yeah, they've been rubbing their eggs on the side

of this cup. Or one plum at a time in the cup. I'm putting it down. Could be a plum cup. Pod cup. Oh yeah, I thought it might be interesting

But it is just a very poorly Badly drawn printed on in a stickery kind of way What did you think was going to be interesting About a Thomas the Tank Engine head cup We've had one sent before and it was actually interesting Because on the front it was Thomas And the back it was his bottom So it had two sides

Let me have another look at that There's some copyright information It says copyright Reverend Green or whatever his name is Brick Allcroft, bracket Thomas Limited yeah it was a Reverend fella wasn't it who liked trains and decided to write stories about

bricking trains up to die in a tunnel there's one picture that's not the entirety of Thomas the Tank Engine there's some dark shit in that I'm sure there's been episodes where, like, James went too fast and crashed, or Toby got thrown in the lake, or one was abandoned.

Not as good as either of the engine, though, is it? I don't have too many memories of it. I know it's the older... That was dark. Why? Well, I had one where Thomas the Tank Engine was taking a load of people to the sea and Thomas wanted to go swimming like they were.

Yeah. So somehow he was able to... You mean Ivor? Ivor, sorry. No, I just wanted for clarification. Oh, sorry. Ivor the Engine. Ivor the Engine.

And he wanted to go swimming with the humans. Yeah. And so he drove into the sea and, of course, that put out the fire in his heart. Oh, no. And he died. Steam came out. Wow that put out the fire in his heart. Oh no. And he died. Steam came out. Wow.

Did this, well, yeah. How did they bring him back to life? Did he perform CPR or something on a train? Train PR, TPR, TP,

toilet, toilet paper. This is not a workshop for crack guys. Is it? You mean it isn't? I thought that was the whole theme of the podcast. I just like, you know,

the little station the little train driver on top blown into the into the funnel go yeah I bet he did I bet he did that a lot are you gonna bring him

back with your balls are you take him out of the mouth of Ivor did he have a face over the engine well no but it was

there was there was something sort of semi kind of anthropomorphic about his okay his features. No eyes. It wasn't like Thomas.

No, who had a weird face. I think inside Thomas is like the tank. I think he's just like a big, grey, slender worm that's driving it. Like a pig. He's a big, grey... Yeah, a big worm with a train suit on. Yeah, a big, grey worm. Because why would you build a train with those features?

Well, also, why would you build a sentient train? Are they built or are they birthed? I think they're birthed. I'm telling you, it's like Dalek, like the outer shell. Inside, he's kind of bolted into, there's things jabbing into his flesh. Oh, this is horrible.

He comes out of a sack and they force him into a yeah yeah yeah into a train shape yeah and they bolt him in well he grows within it

and then slowly gets so big that there's no escaping and then what happens to him then he has to just go around oh they put doing stuff

oh bricking people up in tunnels so when they die do they rot from the inside yeah there's just a train left over they replace the slug oh and then it all begins again yeah and the fat controller is like up in tunnels. So when they die, do they rot from the inside and there's just a train left over?

They replace the slug. Oh, and then it all begins again. Yeah. And the fat controller is like, what? He's the master of the scheme. I didn't really think that through. He's like on the Umbrella Corporation in the Tom's the Tank Engine world,

isn't he? He's like Wesco. Yes. Video games reference. Yes. Right. How much do you think that fucking

Thomas the Tank Engine that's 20p 20p 20p 20p twing it has been noted let's move on to the next item

but I'm not going to find out today whether I'm right no you are oh I am what you won't know is if you did better than Eli

because that's in the future no yeah it is but no it is sideways we're not doing sideways I regret saying sideways but are you going to kind of do futuristic sound effects when you do Eli's Because that's in the future. No, yeah, it is. No, it is. Sideways. We're not doing sideways. Sideways. I regret saying sideways.

But are you going to kind of do futuristic sound effects when you do Eli's voice? Yeah, like for instance right now. Let's go to the future and see what Eli thought. That's a good impression of him. Thank you. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite It's the fucking price of shite

Biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy Fucking price of shite And that's it That'll do, won't it? That'll be fine That'll be fine Did you want to do one? I don't know

Okay It's the fucking price of shite It's the fucking price of shite It's the fucking price of shite That's it That's fucking right Right, right Good

That is the worst one you've done on record. I am tired. What about a smoky one? This is... Old Eagle River. It rolled down the sandbank. Have you forgotten what we're doing? Price of Shite.

I don't know what the Old Eagle River is. Fuck it up. Oh, the straw gets wet. Like Paul Gannon's mouth. Oh, yeah. Right. What? Are we playing the Price of Shite?

Tonight. Tonight. Today, in the future and in the past, we are playing the Price of Shite. I have got five items. Five items. And here are the rules for you. Just so you know, it's all fair and well.

I've explained them. Fair and well, yes. Fair and well, fair and well. I've explained them. Fair and well, fair and well. I've explained them. So, standard rules? Standard rules. Are there any extra rules? Well, here we go.

Hold on tight, Mr. Silverman. I am. It's simple, but it's effective. There are five items today, right? Five. Altogether, when you sum up all the prices, it comes to no more than £3. Ooh, very low price.

Very low price. I've made this, organised it, so it's high on betwings. High betwing count possible. High betwing value. Now, the first four items, they're all going to be under one pound in terms of how much

they're worth, right? The fifth item is over one pound. Okay. Alright? So maybe that gives you a bit of framework in your head. That gives me framework.

You know? It gives me the right framework. And as... The framework of a tent. Yeah. And I yurt. I hurt for my yurt. My pants yurt.

They do as well, because they're tight. I spurt in my yurt. I spurt in my yurt, and it hurts. Delilah. Spurfed. Right. Shut up. Vorsprung spruft technique.

Brilliant. Right. So, as ever, if you're on the nose with the correct price, exactly, you're going to get two highly sought-after

petwings. Two petwings for being on the nose. But if you're 25p, either way the correct price, higher or lower, you're just going to get the one petwing. And because the first four But if you're 25p, either way the correct price, higher or lower, you're just going to get the one per twing.

And because the first four items are all under a pound, there's good likelihood of the 25 each way per twing coming in for a lot of those. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I don't want to do any spoilers in terms of

how Biffo went, but I'm just saying everyone's going to go home with a per twing tonight. That's what I think. I mean, if I miss per twings, I should hang my shed in Hain. You should hang your shed in Hain. You should hang your shed in Hain.

Yeah, you should. So that's it in a nutshell, really. It's the good old cheap show way. And these have also come from the P.O. Box. So I've salvaged a few things out of two P.O. Boxes. One from Rick. I didn't give a surname, but thank you, Rick. And one from Mark Honeyborn, who's also given us stuff in the past.

Honeyborn's produced a lot of stuff in the past. He has produced, on us, a lot of hot goodness. Hot, honey, drippy, drippy goodness. Yeah, he's born of his honey. And he makes a mark on us. He spanks in our faces and it all drips down. Drippy, drippy, drip, drip, drip, a licky, licky yum. Eagle River where the shore is always damp, damp, damp.

Now, come on. I want to see an item. Do you want to go straight into it? Is that it? That's it? I just want to make sure I've got all. Any other rules you're going to spring on me? No, I think this is it.

We did the cold open. I went back in time, came forward, did the other intro, went back in time, came forward. Now this is the game. So yeah, we're par to par with the timeline.

It's very dangerous this timeline jumping. Just going back to the wrong segment can literally make my arsehole disappear. Could it rip a hole in your arsehole?

No, it makes it disappear. It seals up and disappears. And then what? Your poo comes out your mouth. It comes out of my eyes and nose and mouth. I look like one of those Play-Doh hairdressing sets,

but with cack. I haven't said cack to describe poo-poo. And I was listening to some old episodes recently, some out and about ones, because I like those ones on a nice warm day to listen to. And Hot Dog Todd sprang to mind as a favourite. Hot Dog Todd. When that dog was eating all the poo.

That dog was chomping down on Hot Dog Todd sprang to mind as a favourite. Hot Dog Todd. When that dog was eating all the poo. That dog was chomping down on Hot Dog Todd. Yeah, he was a ship's dog. Full English breakfast. Remember, he was a ship's dog.

The Turkish ship's dog. Probably not a lot of food on the ship. No. So he learns to eat tods. Tods. Get all those nice marabou belly goods.

I don't know. Come on. Here's the first item, Mr. Silverman. Produce it. Now they've all heard it. They've all seen it. Well, the people listening have already heard Biffo look at it, so now it's up to you.

This is an egg cup, and it's very similar to an egg cup we have received before on the show. Do you remember? We have. But it's probably a different character because this portrays Thomas, the tank engine and friends. Pood, pood.

But that's Thomas. It is Thomas. It's not the most... I remember the other egg being slightly more dynamic. The other one? Or interesting. Do you remember

there was another one? Yeah, there was definitely another one. I think that's still in the house of pickles over there. Yeah. Okay.

Do I need to guess as we go along or do I get to see all the items? Do you want to give any thoughts and stuff? We're going to do it in segments.

I'm going to bounce back and forth. I think this is like a 50p item all day long. Yeah. Do we have any clue on the geographical location of the shops

that these were bought in? Unfortunately not. Are they charity shops? They're all charity shop stuff. They are. They're all charity shop stuff. All I can tell you is who gave it to us

and what the price is. Unfortunately, I can only do the first thing first. Talking of charity shops, I did some mad thrifting out in Florida. Put a pin in that

and we'll come back to that next week because next week's going to be Eli's Magical Mystery Tour Adventures, the podcast. Okay. Yeah, it's going to be all about you next week, mate.

I'm going to be deferring to your experiences. Okay, so, well, there's the footage I got out there. Yeah. But then you're saying

I could also do some commenting. Yeah. I want it to be all about you. Okay, fine. It's all about you. Do I need to say? It's all about you, baby. Yeah, you can get your prices now.

Do I get to come back and look at and review? No, we're doing it segment by segment. So I have to give my final answer now. It is locked in at this stage of the game.

So Thomas the Tank Engine, you're fond of him? You like a tank? I'm going to say 35p. 35p, are you? Oh. You sure? Before I put pen to paper?

40p. 40p for the Thomas the Tank Engine and friend egg cup. 40p. 40p. 40p. I'm putting it down. Write it down.

You don't want to change your mind? I've changed my mind twice. I just want to give you all the time so you don't complain later that you pressured me. I'm tired. Are you trying to give me a clue here? No, I'm not i've changed my name i just want to give you all the time so you don't complain later that you pressured me are you trying are you trying to give me a clue no i'm not i just want to make sure that well then take my fucking answer i've already changed it twice right okay it's 40p 40p we're locked in we're locked in with 40p happy yes happy i'm not happy could you get

your nuts in that i could get one in maybe your Maybe your helmet. To give it a little bit of a baptism. A little font. I'd like to put some soapy water in there. Put some holy water in it and give your cock a baptism. Right. Good, Paul. Good. Saint meet us.

Right. I've got to go back in time and go to Biffo. I'm not going to notice this. I'm just going to phase out. Stop doing it, Paul. Mr. Biffo, the second item. I'm going to notice this. I'm just going to phase out. Stop doing it, Paul.

And we're back in the past for Mr. Biffo's second item. This one is also under a pound. And this one means a lot to me. This means a lot to the whole of this country. It's a much-loved character. And this is some merchandise of that much-loved character. Oh, well, what I've been handed here. Oh, it's Monkey from the PG Tips.

And look on the shelf over there. Oh, yeah, you've got a monkey on the mantelpiece. We've had so many monkeys and PG Tips sent stuff to us recently. So what we've got here, we've got a tea towel. A tea towel. That is a kind of spoof movie poster that says, A Tale of Two Continents Starring Monkey. Monkey! Monkey! Monkey! is a kind of spoof movie poster that says a tale of two continents starring monkey who did the voice no that wasn't no no johnny vegas did it with monkey but monkey was quite

posh if i remember alexander armstrong or quite possibly he's quite yeah i'm a monkey and i uh i'm saving civilization with my monkey and i'm flinging shit around because I'm a monkey. Yes, I'm playing with my penis in front of a bunch of visiting school children. Oh, I hit the mic pole. It's exciting. Yeah. So here's the thing, though. It comes with a DVD, and I'm wondering if that's the film they're advertising.

Well, it is, because if you look, there's pictures on the back of the DVD of some sort of film. And the running time is 10 minutes. I'll tell you what, I'm going to put a clip of it if it's online in right now. And if I don't, there'll be a big long thought sound effect. Well... What the world got was a monkey. Join monkey this Easter on a romp through history. As Britain's favorite knitted chimp takes the silver screen by storm.

I need to probe you further, Anita. Blooming delicious. Monkey! Yeah! Who's your monkey? Who's your monkey? A tale of two continents. And a cinema near you this Easter. Well, do you want to read out the blurb on the back? Yeah, go for it. There is news in the world of tea.

Big news. No, I'll start again. There is news in the world of tea. Big news. No, I'll start again. There is news in the world of tea. News big enough for the big papers. My movie is an epic tale that will take us from the terrorist hillsides of 3000 BC China. The terrorist hillsides? Terrorist. Oh, terrorist.

As in stepped. All right, okay. To the box of tea in your kitchen cupboard this very day. We are going to change the world one cup at a time kind regards monkey now it's only 10 minutes however how epic can it be there are special features on it outtakes right a printable movie poster right the monkey game right and i quote much much more i think there's gonna be at most one much more. I doubt there'll be much, much more. It says much, much more. No, there'll be much more

at most. Ten minutes, give or take. I'd brew up a cuppa and find a comfy chair if I were you. Look, and also, is this the thinnest DVD I have ever seen in my life? My God, it's like a flexi disc. It's almost impossibly thin for a DVD. That is incredibly

cheap. What? I didn't know you they came in different thicknesses directed by christopher nolan no it's probably that's a good joke it's not really i do have to say the tea towel is nice and clean that's been washed yes well this is all again this is from rick it's another charity shop option and you know you can't have too many tea towels, can you? Yeah, I think you could. I reckon you could. If you own nothing but tea towels. If you couldn't get through the door of your house because it was full of tea towels, that would be

the definition of too many. It looks alright production-wise. There's a lady in it and he looks like he's got the pith helmet or whatever it's called. They're expensive ladies if you're going to put them in your films. They're not going to get, you know, sex workers off the street to appear in a monkey DVD, are they? I don't know.

Let's gloss over that. Oh, hang on. This is no ordinary DVD. This is a fancy pants eco disc made with the planet in mind. It's made with 50% less polycarbonate, whatever that is. And that means 40% less precious energy gets used when it's made.

Good work, fellas. Rated you. Rated you. Rated you. See, why didn't you put that gag on it, you prince? Right. I need to ask a question before we move on to the portrayings. What does PG stand for?

Do we know? What does PG stand for? I don't know. Paul Gannon. Paul Gannon's tips why haven't you done that as a segment because I think like everyone in the world does a PG tips gag

I think like even Vic and Bob did it didn't they well top tips they did a top tips they fronted a top viz top tips video

it's quite good yeah but you know nice little thing I don't know what the promotion is but there you go a tea towel and a DVD

both items together one item one price what do you think it is and it's under a quid I can't know what the promotion is, but there you go. A tea towel and a DVD. Both items together. One item, one price. What do you think it is? And it's under a quid. I can't believe it, but it is. It's two things. One of them is filmic. One of them is a bit of cloth. I'm going to go 50p for this. 50p? Yeah.

Collectible. Monkey! There's a monkey. A monkey in my kitchen. Beans. That's not Venus's voice. I know. I know. And I also, importantly, don't care.

Right, we're moving back to Eli in the future to see what he thinks of this item. One item down, four to go, and I'm back to the future with Eli. Hello, Eli. Hello. How did you enjoy it when I was in the past? I didn't.

I've had no subjective perception of that. You just looked like you were there the whole time. Yeah, well, I was. Right, so moving on. Oh, this looks like a good item. Item for Eli. Now, it's two items, Eli. You should be very careful when you unsheath it.

Here we go. Is there something inside it? Yeah, there's something inside it. This just looks like a tea towel, which says Starring Monkey. Monkey! And it's monkey from the PG tip sets. Yeah. That's quite a nice, colourful, printed tea towel there.

But it has something inside it, you say. Yes, this is two items but one price. I need you to remember that clearly. They are from the same thing. This is a CD. It looks like a promotional CD. Put the Kettle On Productions. I don't think they exist.

Presents A Tale of Two Continents starring Monkey. Now, Monkey was similar to Flat Eric but was in the PG Tips ads. And, you know, long running. I think they still use the character now, don't they? That's because they used to rub peanut butter on poor chimps' gums. The main character. Hello, Mr. Shifter. Move this piano.

They used to abuse chimps, basically. And that was before they rolled camera. They just did it for a laugh. They fucking, yeah. What they do is slap these monkeys around a bit, and then they roll and they're scared. That's why they perform anyway. They fucking jab him

in the eye with a finger. But monkey's obviously trying to keep with the simian theme but have a non-cruelty thing. Yes. That was definitely their strategy,

wasn't it? Yeah, we want the monkeys but we don't want the abuse. So instead, we want a puppet voiced by that guy from Pointless or whatever it is. Who does the voice?

Alexander Armstrong. Does he? Yeah. Does he do monkey's voice? I never knew that. I think so, yeah. He's a big classical sort of opera singer guy as well. that. I think so, yeah. He's a big classical sort of opera singer guy as well.

He's one of these horrible people. He's a polymath. He does everything, doesn't he? Yeah, but it's more like, there's a difference between being a polymath and being famous and rich so people give you license

to do whatever you want and your middling content is therefore acceptable. Yeah, yeah. It's like, I've heard his singing. It's not the best. No, no. Anyway, Monkey, T-Tow. It's like, I've heard his singing. It's not the best. No, no. Anyway, Monkey,

tea towel. It's a tea towel and a movie. Yeah, it's a short 10 minute movie where they pretend to go around the world looking at the history of tea.

It's quite nice and together it's nice provenance. I like the artwork. It's nice. It's nice, almost Robert Crummy sort of pointillist

pointillism cross hatching. Yeah, it's effective for a tea towel, for PG tips. Don't you think the artwork is quite nice? Yeah.

But I'm going to need a price. For both of them together and this is under a quid. Yeah. Wow. Everything's cheap as chips today, Mr. Silverman. I mean, it might help you

push it towards the top end of the quid rather than the bottom end. I think it's got to be 75p. Well, I need you to... Do you want to lock that in? I want to lock it in, yeah. 75p. Oh, right need you to... You want to lock that in? I want to lock it in, yeah. 75p.

Oh, right. Then, in that case, I'm going to bank that. Move on. I'm going to shift back in time to see Mr. Biffers. How tiresome. Yeah, it is a bit now, actually.

Oh, we're back in the past. PG stands for pre-gest. I'm sorry? PG Tips was launched in the uk as a loose leaf tea so you know you have to put it to one of those little doodads and steer it around and then get the leaves out or whatever and it was originally called pre-guest tea as it was thought to aid digestion so jest pre-gestation digest pre-gestation tips pre-gestation tea. Digest. Pre-gestation tips. Pre-gest. I mean, no one has ever shortened the word digest, jest, before I'm just going to go and digest. I can't say it.

That's why they went PG at the end, because they all wanted to say pre-gest or whatever. I'm going to go and jest my tea. Oh, I jested all over my tea last night. But anyway, the grocers and the salespeople got bored of saying that, so they called it PG Tips and it stuck. Pre-gest.

That's not nice, is it? No. Or it's the moment before a lovely comedian comes on stage. It's a pre-gest moment. Pre-gest. Or it was the older brother of Bo-gest.

Congratulations, you got the most obscure gag out of that. Congratulations. Thank you. Right, we're moving on. What is the next item? Oh, we're moving on to an item from Mark now, Mark Honeyborn.

I would give Rick's name, but he didn't put it. I know Mark. Yeah, he's been a great supporter of Cheap Show, and we thank him for all the mad tat he's sent in the past. Love you, Mark. Right, next item. This one is also a rap do, Dad. Here we go.

I don't like the fact he just handed me this slightly kind of grubby... Grubby thing. Grubby bubble wrap. Oh, I can already see through the bubble wrap that it's some sort of Guinness theme. It's a pepper shaker. Grubble wrap. Grubble wrap. Yeah.

I've been waiting for me ages to say that. It's a Guinness glass shaped pepper shaker. Yes. Or cellar. Cellar. Cellar? Isn't it? You have a pepper cellar? I don't know.

You get a salt cellar, but do you get pepper cellars? So a salt cellar is what? That thing you go, ch-ch-ch-ch, or shake? Or shake. I've never heard it called a cellar before. Have you not? No. This is all new to me.

Why don't you all write in and tell Paul that you have heard that? Yeah. Email us to our PO box, and we'll read it out yeah in the past a salt and pepper salad uh it's like a kind of uh teddy bear size pint of guinness yeah it's like monkey could drink from that and get leathered monkey where's my dinner it's like watching bread um yeah that's there's not much to say about it there's no pepper in it currently i think why here's a question for you yeah why does salt sellers just have one hole

in the top and pepper sellers have they have multiple holes do you know the answer to this no i thought i thought it was just a kind of eyesight thing so when you could be pepper you know visually visually like, oh, the salt's the one with the one dot and the pepper's for the three, just as a kind of way to... Because they both look the same if you didn't change the dots.

Yeah. But why not just write S and P on them? Oh, they do. But maybe people are blind and they can feel the holes. Maybe. Yes. Or make them clear some are clear and yet they still have different different types of holes the short the short answer it says on the internet is that it largely varies by culture and also health trends is that because they you can have more pepper than you can

salt some more pepper comes out yeah so it kind of rations it, I guess. Yeah, well, my grandad, he used to just get like the pot of saksa. Is it saksa? The salt? The big salt with the spout. Yeah, and he basically used to just make a mountain of it on the side of his plate and then just dip his food in the mountain.

Oh, God, that's horrific. Guess what he died of? Well, a car accident. He crashed into a salt van. That's what it says here as well. Basically, culturally, a lot of people slather their food in salt. Yeah. So the one hole was meant to reduce that.

Right. Whereas people only use the little bit of pepper. So they put three holes in to shake a bit more out. Well, there we go. That makes a certain degree of sense. It makes a certain degree of sense. I've learned something today. Sometimes on Cheap Show, you do.

It's not on purpose and we don't mean to do it, but it happens. Anyway, price, please. 30p. 30p. Although it is quite nice. I'd actually pay more for it. Well, you said 30p now and it's locked in. So now it's time to find out what Mr Silverman himself thinks of the self-same item. And with the sound of that horn, I'm back into the future. Oh, I did windy pops, but I kept the lid on it. Mate, how can you keep a lid? There's no lid on your bum. Did you hear it? No. I kept the lid on it. A metaphorical lid.

A metaphorical lid on my arse. Which is in fact the sphincter muscles of your sphincter. Yes. I tightened them and puckered them to reduce the noise. Gas flow puckered them to reduce the noise gas flow yeah to reduce the gas flow did any gas flow little Bob Oscars

at the side say that's the beauty of gas like that have I Bobo oh god anyway here is the next item Mr Silverman for you to procure

your eyes with all nicely wrapped today and I'm unwrapping this from a quite a low gauge bubble wrap on this

it's a nice bit of bubble wrap they're small ones small gauge small gauge bubble wrap and this. It's a nice bit of bubble wrap. They're small ones, aren't they? Small gauge. Small gauge bubble wrap. And it looks to be another egg cup or something similar. It looks like some kind of ornamental Guinness. It's a Guinness salt shaker. Paul?

Now, as I've been to the past and spoke to Biffo, he said it's a pepper cellar or salt cellar. I've never heard it called a cellar before. Yes, I have. It's completely new to me when he brought that up. I was like, oh, I've heard of salt shaker, but cellar or salt cellar. I've never heard it called a cellar before. Yes, I have. It's just completely new to me when he brought that up. I was like, oh, I've heard of salt shaker, but cellar. I think a cellar is a grinder, though, isn't it? More specifically, it's one of the ones that grind.

Oh. Those with the knob-shaped head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that. And you twist the head and it grinds. I like that. I find that very satisfying movement to grind pepper. That's the way to have pepper, because it releases the aromatics right then,

and you don't get the staleness that you do with... The dusty staleness. I don't like that dusty black pepper. I like the crunch. I like the feel of it. I like the twist. It's very satisfying. That's the way.

It's the way to do it. And that's why in Italian restaurants, they go pepper, and they do it, because you want it right there and then. This is a nice little item. It's basically a facsimile Guinness pint with a nice creamy head, but it has three holes.

Does that make it pepper? Yeah. Salt is one. I was talking about this with Biffo. Salt is one, pepper's three holes. Three. Because apparently, the reason why is it depends on the culture and health trends, but the theory is people are using too much salt.

So you put one hole in your salt thing so you don't get too much coming out whereas people need to use more pepper and so you could shake it I always thought it was just a way you

could distinguish which was which I mean I guess you could also do that if you were blind it'd be a lot easier to know which one's which but effectively

I think it's to encourage less salt and more pepper on your food pepper's not as bad for you at all no pepper's really not

bad for you at all I like pepper on hot chips you know what I mean just sprinkle it on some hot chips it's really nice bad for you at all. I like pepper on hot chips. You know what I mean? Just sprinkle it on some hot chips. It's really nice. Not on pepper on everything. Yeah, hot pepper.

Right, so that's... It's another cheap item though, Mr. Silvermans. But how cheap is it? 25p. I don't think, if it was by itself, its value goes right down because you want the set, don't you? That's the thing.

There's only one of them. Yeah. So, you know, otherwise, you're just going to have to just deal with pepper. I'm going to go lowest so far for that. 25p. 25p. It's locked in. It's locked in, Mr. Silverman.

You said £3 all items. All items all in will come to no more than £3. Maybe £2.99. Maybe £2, but no more than £3. You know what I'm saying? And the last item is over a quid over a quid okay

alright so how you feel at this stage in the game I don't think I think I will pick up some betweens just because of the low prices

but how many not feeling hugely confident well alright I'm going to go back in time now I know I'm just going to go see Beth

do you mind if I have a little what wang yeah well I'm not here while I time travel so I think you've got about 5 minutes do I before I come back into this body I time travel, so I think you've got about five minutes before I come back into this body.

It seems like you come back immediately. No, it's about five minutes. See if you've got five minutes now. So if I'm standing here staring at you as you masturbate, I'm actually really in the past. I'm not really here looking at you, fist your plum. Play with your little split sausage.

Oh, split sausage oh split sausage what's going on anyway you've got five minutes of going back in time I don't have five minutes alright I'll give you two I'm not going to

now because you've made me weary no honestly I won't be here get it out get it out press the button that man's been reversing for a very long time.

It's all you as a reversing site. Maybe it's not a vehicle. Maybe it's a robot. And that's his language. He's what's saying, help me, I'm drowning or something. We're like, that fucking removal van keeps reversing. That's what happened to the Iron Giant. Is it? He drowned?

No, he got shot because everyone thought he was reversing and they thought it was evil robot speak. He was just beep, beep, beep, beep. Here's your fourth item. What's that? It's clearing my throat. Ugh. Oh, ugh.

That's been on a child's eyes. It's been on someone's face. Okay, they're fairly clean. Fairly clean. It's some goggles. Yeah, it's just some goggles. Swimming goggles. They're so shit. It's just some giggles. It's swimming goggles. Yeah, it's just some goggles. Swimming goggles. They're so shit.

It's just some giggles. It's swimming giggles. You put them on and you laugh. Zogs. Zogs are brand. Well, that's the brand that's on there. It's a registered trademark. Zog.

Zogs. They're just some blue, blue swimming goggles. Yeah, they're some goggles. There's really not a lot you can say about those, is there? There's not a lot you can say about a lot of these things. Thanks for giving me. Do you know what I find weird? Because I've got quite bad eyesight

and I've... Go on then, you put them on. I've had glasses since I was a little child. But if I go underwater with goggles on, I can see. Why is that?

I don't know. Do you think it's something to do with the water acts like a lens with the goggles on? But I can see perfectly underwater for miles. I think I'm going to

suck my fucking eyes out with this. They've caught... Ah caught they've actually set a real tight seal around my arm you look like that Cenobite you know the one

with a butter head or whatever he's called butter ball butter teeth or something there is one isn't there with little glasses yes I think that's

Hellraiser 3 isn't it I don't know which one I don't know there's that Hellraiser 3 where if you die because you get blown up by a CD player then you have CDs in you

and you can fire them out. I'm sure he's called Butterball or something. I didn't even know they had names. I thought there was The Chatterer but maybe that's...

No, it's that one called Pinhead. That's his name. But he wasn't called Pinhead was he in the film? John Pinhead. John, hello. I will swallow your soul.

I am John Pinhead and I've come from hell with my Cenobite friends. No, they all had names because even if they're production names, because otherwise you'd have to go, you know, that one with the funny eyes that looks like Paul Gannon. That would be a horrible Cenobite. I wouldn't want to see me in the dark.

Why are they called Cenobites as well? It's just a word, isn't it? Have I ever told you the story about my mate who pissed up Clive Barker's house? No. Many, many years ago when I was a video games journalist, we got sent to Los Angeles

by Virgin Interactive. And my friend Tim and I went with Violet Berlin, the TV presenter. That must have been good times. It was. And we were being shown around by this guy who knew Clive Barker.

So we drove up into the hills above LA to knock on Clive Barker's gate. Just uninvited? Yeah, yeah, because he knew him. But Clive Barker wasn't in. But my friend Tim needed a piss and he just jumped out the car and went and pissed up Clive Barker's wall

outside his house. And I put on the car headlights while he was pissing. So I have seen him piss up Clive Barker's house. And then that inspired Clive Barker to write Candyman. Yeah. It did. Candy. Candyman.

Because he saw the lovely golden candy. Oh, I see some candy. That's the funny thing about Clive Barker though because I think a lot of his books were initially based in the North West, weren't they? And then... I had no idea. Yeah, because I remember,

I'm probably going to be corrected by this, but I'm sure there's a book he wrote where some of it takes place in Wirral, where I grew up. Really? And I'm pretty sure also there's like an estate in Liverpool, which is where Candyman was originally written for.

That rings a bell. He has got something to do with Britain, doesn't he? He was born in Liverpool. Right, okay, yes. He's a Liverpoolian. That makes total sense. Did he still have his accent? Did he live in America for a long time? He was born in Liverpool. Right, okay, yes. He's a Liverpoolian. That makes total sense. Did he still have his accent? Did he live in America

for a long time? He doesn't have his accent now. You listen to him, he's got that weird, you know, half-scouse, half-really-twangy American. Is he still alive? Yeah.

He's making a new Hellraiser. Is he? He's making all sorts. He's still busy, Clive Barker. And he wrote an origin story for the Pinhead. Pinhead, John Pinhead.

Yeah. Funnily enough, his name was John Pinhead. Yeah. Funnily enough, his name was John Pinhead and he went to a haunted Rubik's Cube factory and then became a Cenobite. And fell into a pincushion. Yeah.

He fell into a Catwoman Batman Returns display. Catwoman Batman Returns display. And then fell into the costume. Ah, yeah. And then he fell into a box of tools with nails and he was like,

ah, my head. He's so clumsy, John Pinhead. John Pinhead. And then he into the costume. Oh, yeah. And then he fell into a box of tools with nails. He was like, ah, my head. He's so clumsy, John Pinhead. John Pinhead. And then he got really angry. And then this woman walks in and he turns around and he's got pins in his head. He's wrapped up like Catwoman. He's got a Rubik's Cube. And that's how Pinhead became Pinhead.

Yeah. He dropped the John because he didn't feel it suited his new identity. No, he wanted to be like Cher. Yeah. Just call me John. Anyway, how much do you think those goggles cost? Oh my God, I don't know.

They're the sort of thing that I think an old charity shop lady would actually price unnecessarily high. So I'm going to say 60p. 60p. Right, we have one more item now. This is the big money item. And this is the big finale.

I'm going to have a little bit of fun with this one But let's see what Eli thought About the self-same item we just talked about Will he bring up John Pinhead? I doubt it Fourth of five items It's the worst one yet

But it's for you to guess the price of Touch that Oh these are some blue plastic goggles now I know swim goggles I know we've not been playing with a lot of stuff

that gives you a lot of these are made by Zogs Zogs I've never heard of them are they? yeah Biffo had never heard of them I'd never heard of them

I have heard of them yeah I don't know I mean I put them on and nearly suctioned my eyeballs out of my head because they just put a really tight seal around my head yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you want that

seal to be tight, don't you? Yeah, you do. Nice tight seal. After you've done with the chimps, you get a nice tight seal. Nice tight seal. Is that what you meant? Just go around the zoo. Yeah. Give them a little bit of fish and they'll do anything. Did they used to smoke fags in those

PG Tips ads? Probably. I think they did. I think I've ever seen one. There was one with a pipe, wasn't there? Yeah. Wow. I think there was one shooting up heroin around a corner.

Hello, Mr. Shifter. Was he called Mr. Shifter? Yeah, the guy who shifted the piano. Oh, yeah. Remember that? Yeah. Do you know that piano's on my foot? No, but if you sing it, I'll play along.

And cut. Get here. do you know that piano is on my foot no but if you sing it I'll play along and cut get here rub some peanut butter on your gums rub it and then after that put a bit on my cock I want a PG tip oh it wouldn't be good

proud gorilla tip you know what I wouldn't mess with peanut butter on the knob with a monkey especially if it's chunky yeah you don't want to get

one of those chunky nuggets down your reefer. You don't know where the peanut butter... It will go all the way down to the base and then go fetid and then you'll have to

go to the doctor with a huge distended bloaty knob weeping sup. Doctor, help me. It looks like your penis has been chewed by a panda. What's going on?

Now. Oh yeah, goggles. Do you like swimming? This is the last item, is it? Second to last. The penultimateles. Do you like swimming? This is the last item, is it? Second to last. The penultimate item. Do you like swimming?

I like swimming. Oh, you know what I like to do in the pool. Oh, yeah. You know what? I was in the pool the other day. Yeah?

Yeah. And then your relative said, get out! With my family. Oh, you pervert. And I told them about the... Did you?

Why would you tell them? Don't they listen anyway? No. I thought your sister did. My sister-in-law sister-in-law does she's on the recording I made

oh good yeah oh that's exciting we tasted some items no more questions your honour okay I'm saying 50p for these

50p for goggles because I've got no imagination 50p for goggles no I like those I like the fact that they're blue yes add something to the

underwater experience doesn't it yes oh they suit you yeah they make you look like a mad scientist yeah yeah nice I like it the fact that they're blue. Yes. Add something to the underwater experience, doesn't it? Yes. Oh, they suit you. Yeah. They make you look kind of like a mad scientist. Yeah.

Yeah, nice. I like it. I like swim goggles as things. When you went swimming, did you like to have goggles? I hate swimming. I have a real fear of swimming.

If my feet can't touch the bottom of a pool, I have panics. You're not confident in the water? I can swim a little bit, but if it's too deep, I lose all that confidence.

Would you get in the sea no you don't like getting in the sea it's just it's weird because basically when I was very young

this one girl decided to try and drown me in the pool in the swimming pool and held me down and it was like ever since then I was like

ah fuck it I don't like it I had the opposite experience of just getting fucking wanked off by a wave machine you get all the best you get all the best stories.

I just got drowned by a girl in the year above me for no reason. There is something particularly traumatic about being bullied in or around the pool,

isn't there? That's the thing, it wasn't like she was a school bully, she just thought, I wonder what it's like to hold a small boy on the water for a bit.

She sounds like she had something. Yeah, I just remember being dragged out by a teacher and it'd be like, oh. Oh. Yeah. Well, I've never out by a teacher and it'd be like, oh. Oh.

Yeah. Well, I've never heard that before. It's not like telling it because it brings back trauma. Yeah, it brings back trauma. Yeah. All right. Well, I've said 50p for the goggles, Paul.

It means every time I go amsterdith, I get flashbacks to... Do you ever spit in the goggles beforehand to get them all... You meant to, aren't you? Yeah, what's that all about? It's something to do with stopping it fogging up. Spit stops them fogging.

Yeah. Do you know what my dad on Amazon ordered this stuff which is you clean glasses with yeah but it's meant to

make them not fog up oh and it's like you get a little bottle like that yeah and you use a tiny amount

but he on a deal he got about four litres of it so what's he going to do with it I know he's got more than

three lifetimes worth of this stuff. He should set up a shop, little pipettes and clean out glasses. If you want some I can get you to sort it out.

Touch the nose mate. Alright, so 50p locked in. We're going to go into the past for the last item now and we'll be back with Eli in just

a few moments. And we're back in the alpha timeline for our final, final item. Now, this item I bought. I bought it because I saw it. And A, I was like, I didn't know they made a board game with that.

And the second one was, oh, that's fucking cheap. So, because it's a cheap show and I like board games, I got it. Wow. Would you like to see what it is? Yeah, I'd love to. Look at that. Oh, it's a board game called the unbelievable truth game now and it's based on the radio 4 show the same name which i've never heard of no the unbelievable truth

like the radio would i lie to you okay so you people tell lies you've got to work out whether they're telling the truth or not yeah but about facts and things about like uh you know caesar here's a bunch of facts which one's wrong oh I see I'm just saying it barely mentions the show but it is mentioned on the back can you win this hugely entertaining

and often hilarious not consistently hilarious just often hilarious game based upon the hit BBC 4 radio show that's a horrible like promotion

like oh the new comedy from Paul Rose it's often funny it's like that seems like such a backhanded compliment frequently funny yeah yeah has been known to be funny it's got some of the some of

the uh the categories on the side balloons balloons cheese cheese hairdressers yeah all good stuff lobsters lobsters is my favorite so far hands hands mozart hands mozart is a great guy Pantomime He knows John Pined Enid Blyton Jane Austen Mice The Telephone These are a few of my favourite things

You've got my favourite thing a cheap board game puts in Yeah It's a little Ding ding A little server bell Ding ding And I made the mistake of giving this to my partner I went

Whenever you want me Because she was working next door You just go And I'll come running And what happened every five minutes tea biscuits sandwich i had a mate i had a mate who lived in a house not far from here funnily enough when i was uh we were growing up don't work anymore paul no i know because you don't know how to ring a bell um and he his house had uh servants bells in each room that went down to the kitchen. Because it was an old house that would have had those initially. It wasn't even that big a house,

but it did have, obviously, they had... The service things. Yeah, yeah. And it rang a bell in the kitchen, so they still worked. Wow, that's more impressive than it actually worked at all. Yeah. Because I know there were some houses that, every now and then, you can see those kind of things,

but they're long since dead or gone. The cables have been bought. Wouldn't that get annoying though well if you kept used in it yeah for the person in the kitchen

well yeah but I mean I guess I'm on the toilet well here's another fact about that that house yeah his dad was a Marxist

you didn't see that coming did you no so no well this is the thing no one answers a bell in that house. Everyone can answer their own bell equally. Equally, yeah.

To play this little game, I've picked one of the rounds out. Oh, yes. And we're going to have a little play of it. So what's going to happen is I'm going to read out this little lecture card. Yes. And there are three statements in here that are true. All the rest are false all the rest are absolute lies

there's a lot of statements on there yeah so I'm going to read this out yes and then once we've done you're going to tell me what you think is the lie which is the lie

or actually no put the thing on your leg and then you think I've said a lie you ding it and I'll stop and tell you if you're correct ready

tickets please I know. I was waiting for you to say that. Yeah, because you do that all the time. Whenever there's a bell or something you can honk nearby. Here we go. Your topic is toys. Oh, my favourite. And I want you to ring the bell when you

think I've said something false. Go on. Dickets please. What? What are you telling me to go on? Well, you rang the bell, and I thought, what did I say before that? That was false. Tickets, please. No, right, we're starting.

Toys. Here we go. The earliest discovered was a bronze slinky from the Bronze Age, around 5000 BC. Bullshit. Slinkys weren't made before that date, because in the Stone Age, there were no staircases. Well, that's a lie, isn't it? Apparently not. It's true, that fact. They made a slinky in the Bronze Age? were no staircases. Well, that's a lie, isn't it? Apparently not. It's true, that fact.

They made a slinky in the Bronze Age. Some kind of slinky, I guess. Yeah. Not like the slinky that we know that is highly designed and things.

Hang on. I know we've done this on Digitizer, the history of the slinky. I know. And the guy invented them by accident. So whatever they discovered

wasn't a slinky. All I'm saying, right? Bullshit. All I'm saying, right? Bullshit. All I'm saying is that as it stands on this card, that's a... Hang on, let me just... So what am I meant to guess? The actual fact or whatever the liars have put on that card?

The guy invented a slinky by accident because he spilt a load of engine parts and a spring. You know what? I'm going to take that back because I've just reread the rules. Oh, have you? And it's the opposite of what I've said. Wow. So I'm going to take that back because I've just re-read the rules. I'll have you. And it's the opposite of what I've said.

Wow. So I'm going to read this out and inside there are three true statements. So I want you to pick out the three true statements when I say them. Right.

Then I ding. Then you ding. So I'm going to give you a point for that because you were right. That was a fake fact. Yes, I know. I thought well it was.

It wasn't a bloody bronze age slinky. Right. So all you've got to do now is ring the bell when you think the statement is true. Right.

Okay. Sorry. Denzel Washington is a patron saint of the Barbie doll collector society even though he himself only collects the Ken dolls. A patron saint or patron? Oh, patron.

I don't know why I said saint. Saint Denzel. I don't know where the word saint came from. I ding when I think it's true. Yeah.zel. I don't know where the word Saint came from. I ding when I think it's true. Yeah. But do I have to ding? Or can I hear them all?

We can go back at the end. Right. But if you want to interrupt, you can. Mattel produced a toy known as Barbie and her dog Tanner. The child feeds magnetic brown sausage-shaped food into Tanner's mouth. That's true. Cranks the dog's tail and then watches the food slide out the backside. Barbie then cleans up the mess with a little pooper scooper and dustbin. It is true. Yeah, that is true. That's true. Cranks the dog's tail and then watches the food slide out the backside. Barbie then cleans up the mess

with a little pooper scooper and dustbin. It is true. Yeah, that is true. That's a true fact. The hula hoop was banned in Albania, Egypt and Indonesia. The Albanians and Egyptians

believed that the lascivious pelvic gyrations would encourage immorality and in Indonesia, the word hula hoop means revolution. I'm going to say that's true. Don't do a bloody Simon Cowell pause thing.

Just say yes or no. Yes and no. Is it true? Yes and no. Tickets, please. Everything about that was fake, apart from it being banned in Indonesia. Well, hang on.

So some of these statements are semi-true? Yeah, they're semi-true. That's part of the challenge, is that they'll give you a... So when am I meant to ding? I know, it's tricky, isn't it? Yeah, it is when the rules have been played out. All lies, apart from a few statements. And the true statement there was that the hula hoop was banned in Indonesia.

Yeah, that's what I said. Okay. If all the Lego pieces in the world were shared out equally, we'd have enough bits to each make a Millennium Falcon full size. Yeah. No, that's not true. Half size then. Cabba Kick is a Japanese Russian roulette game for kids.

The kid points the gun at his or her own head and pulls the trigger. If the gun doesn't go off, the child earns a point. Well, there is one that has a balloon in it. There is a Russian roulette kid's game with a gun and has a balloon in it. But is it this toy? Is it that? I'm going to say yes, and let's say it's the balloon one. Yes, you're correct.

That's a correct statement. So that means the last one. I'll read it out. Japan also produces a bath toy, which is a sponge in the shape of a humpback whale with a harpoon sticking out of it squeeze the whale sponge and the bath water turns red no that is not a true statement but you did very well there you did point out the correct ones when necessary that's a dark game some of those are dark yeah you should have seen the princess die card I didn't pick out. Was there one?

Genuinely? No. Oh, it's a funny joke. Not that funny. It's not actually, is it? No. It's not funny at all. That's getting sadder as well, the more you hear about her sons and how it affected them,

isn't it? Yeah. True. Ding. Chickens, please. Please. But how much is this delightful ball game? Now, it's more than a pound. But remember, overall. But how much is this delightful ball game? Now, it's more than a pound.

But remember, overall, it's under three quid. So far, you've spent, let's have a look, 60, 70, 80, 90, £1.10. You've spent £1.60. In that case, I'm going to go £1.30. £1.40. It's under £3. All together under £3. £1.30 then.

£1.30. It's time to reveal the scores, but before we do, let's see how Eli got on with the self-same item in the future, but different questions. It's the final item. Biddle-iddle. Biddle-iddle. Biddle-iddle. The final item. Da-da-da-da. Da-da-da-da.

Da-da-da-da. The final item. Final item. Wow, wow. We're searching for anus. But soon we'll find cum. They always complain about us. But I've got a nice bum.

Yes, thanks, Paul. I can stretch my bum cheeks apart and see my hole. See my hole. And it is big enough for two. It's the final item. We'll be covering that for Christmas this year. I can see the item. Yeah. Well, I'll show you it. be covering that for Christmas this year as our big Christmas hit I can see the item yeah

well I'll show you it it's that alright what is it this looks to be a game it's a game a game in a long

oblong box unbelievable truth game the hilarious game based on the hit BBC Radio 4 show is that the David Mitchell one yes I think so it's kind of like a cross between

Call My Bluff and Would I Lie To You yeah it's very radio for very radio force it's fine we're not really last but they go it's fun enough isn't it so yeah it's basically a game where you read out facts and stuff and you have to say what's true or not because it's unbelievable yeah yeah yeah so i thought we'd have a little go of it all right all right so one of the rounds is the lecture card round right okay and i fucked this up with Biffo, so hopefully now I've got it more in place. But I'm going to read you a lecture about a topic, right?

Yes. And everything in this lecture is false, apart from three statements. And I have to find the three true statements, yeah? When you find the three true statements, you just ding the bell and tell me to stop. When I've heard all three or each one? So if I say, I don't know.

Here we go. Prince invented shaken vac you'd go alright that's not true but then if I said Prince wrote Purple Rain

you'd go and then I'd say stop and you'd say that's the true statement in that thing okay okay so I don't have to wait for all three

to come out I stop for each one you stop as it comes right so I'm going to read this out to you and then you just ding when you think out of all of this. I will ding. I've reached the truth statement, all right?

I will ding it then. Right. All the truth statements are highlighted in bold. Okay. So I'll know which ones are which. Okay. Here we go. Your topic.

I did a different topic for Biffo. I did toys for him. Okay. I've got for you one more appropriate. It's smells. Smells. I love smells. So here's the smells.

I'm good at smells, Paul. Here we go. Owls smell with their eyes. Sharks smell with their ears. And snakes smell with their tails. Butterflies smell with their wings. And catfish smell with their paws. The Basset Hound.

I'm just going to keep on reading until you interrupt me, by the way. So don't think I'm going to stop at any time. All right. The Basset Hound is so cool. Hang on, hang on, hang on. What? What do sharks smell with? Sharks smell with their ears

no no no keep going all right okay the basset hound is so cool because of its ability to detect licorice all sorts bloodhounds can smell the difference between identical twins the cheese worm go on bloodhounds uh no that is a lie that's not a truth statement so what happens now just gonna keep on going but just play a little bit of game before you give us the price. It's all, there's no stakes, man. Chill, relax. Okay. Next one.

The cheese worm smells like cheese, apparently. True? No, that's a false statement. Fuck. The turpentine mango smells like turpentine. The lavender weasel smells like lavender. And the sugar bat smells like sugar icing. The common town mouse smells like Wolverhampton Sugar Bat smells like sugar icing. The Common Town Mouse smells

like Wolverhampton. That's a really bad lie. What's the smell of Wolverhampton? Despair? Chips? It must be something like that. Anyway, in 2009 Camelot launched the ill-advised Scratch and Sniff lottery cards where gamblers had to find two matching smells in order to

win £25,000. I would have heard of that. The scratch cards were quickly withdrawn when enterprising punters began forging their own smells onto the cards. Sounds true, but... That's not. Nostradamus had three nostrils. His name literally translates as the sniffer of the future. No, no, no.

No longer used fifth verse of the German national anthem ends with the line praise to be god we don't smell bad like the french of course a british person wrote that as a fake fact i'm giving you that one because it angered my blood the poet ted hughes liked to work with a bowl of dead mice on his writing desk as he maintained that the smell of decomposition stimulated his creative process i, that sounds true as well, but... Was Ted Hughes known for being like the Tim Burton of poetry or something?

He had his troubles. He was married to Sylvia Plath. Oh, I did not know any of that. He was the poet laureate for a while, wasn't he? He wrote the Iron Giant. No, that's just bullshit. Where are you going to source dead mice? Okay, baboons have been trained to smell

explosives. Gerbils can smell adrenaline. As a result, the animals were installed in airport security areas to detect terrorists. Such is their success in 2003 at Amsterdam's Siffen Airport. Amsterdam.

Amsterdam. A strange-smelling suitcase was found containing 2,000 baboons' noses. Someone's gender can be guessed with 70% accuracy just by smelling their hair, but a more accurate method is to look down their pants. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. That's the lecture.

Did you spot the truth? There's one truth. There's three. There's three. I reckon shark's ears. You reckon that's a truth there's three there's three i reckon shark's ears you reckon that's a true yeah no fuck uh gerbils smelling adrenaline that is true yeah yeah all right and then there's one more true fact no what's one more yeah because you oh no yeah there's two more that you there's one that you've missed and there's actually there's two that you've missed yeah from all that i'm not

gonna read it out again because frankly i can't't be arsed to go through it again. Is it one of them that smells like lavender or something? Yeah, one of them is that smells like a something. Yeah, the leather. I'll read this one again and one of these is a true fact

out of all these, right? Cheese worms smell like cheese. Cheese, yeah. Yeah, but you said that already and it was wrong because it was false. The turpentine mango smells like turpentine.

The lavender weasel smells like lavender. The sugar bat smells like icing sugar. And the common town mouse smells like Wolverhampton. Is it the bat? No, the mango smells like turpentine. And then the other fact that you didn't get was in 2003 at Amsterdam's airport, a strange smelling...

Baboon's noses! Containing 2,000 baboon's noses. Fucking hell. I don't know why you'd have 2,000 baboon's noses. Probably for some sort of aphrodisiac in... Oh, it's like a rhino horn kind of thing. Yeah, would have thought so. Fucking hell. I don't know why you'd have 2,000 baboons noses. Probably for some sort of aphrodisiac. Oh, it's like a rhino horn kind of thing. Would have thought so. Maybe something. What a strange thing to presume will give you an

erection or heal your ailments. Here's a box of baboons noses. And here, look, in this suitcase, I've got a load of cat vaginas. Perhaps they're chewy. No, I don't think there is. Huh? Star Wars reference. Is that Star Wars?

I was doing Chewbacca. Anyway, how much do you think? That's Chewfatter. How much Chewfatter? Marabone belly. Right. Unbelievable truth game. It's over a pound, I'll give you that.

But how over a pound is it? £1.50. £1.50. Right a pound, I'll give you that. But how over a pound is it? £1.50. £1.50. Right. Right, I'm ready for my betwings. It's time to dish out the betwings. But first, I've got to dish him out to Biffo. Okay.

Right, it's time to reveal the scores for Mr. Biffo. Sliders. How do you think you did, love for Mr. Biffo. Sliders. How do you think you did, love? Monkey. Monkey. Monkey. I think I overpriced a lot of the first four. I'm John Pinnard.

I don't know. I like John Pinnard now. Hey. Hey. Welcome to the Cenobite Club, ladies and gentlemen. Try the veal. Swallow your soul. Guts for gas is more like, my friend.

Right. Okay. All right. Here we go The scores I think you did alright actually on reflection On reflection On reflection

You were in the I mean you're going to get a few betwings here I'm going to tell you that up front Well that's good to know But will you get as many betwings as Mr Silverman That's the question

More I think you've done alright Here we go So the first item was the Thomas the Tank Engine Egg Cup Yeah I see that. 20p.

You said 20p. The price was 25p. So, you get one per twing for that. Wasn't far off. One per twing. Per twing. A per twing for you. Right, next.

Tea towel and DVD starring Monkey. Monkey. Monkey. Monkey, monkey. You said 50p. That's too high. It was actually 75p so you still get a between though because you were 25p either way oh that's good so you know two between this is the thing i'm giving you lots of between so we can really ratchet up the tension this is really

gonna uh gonna make things challenging for real isn't it we I'm doing very well. Now, you said for the next one, the Guinness shaker, you said what? 30p? 15p? Another between there. The between, but it's not as close as I'd have liked. I know,

but you were so close with the tea towel. I think the problem is you stick with the 10 pence pieces at your 10, 20, you could have gone 25, 27,

you know what I mean? I did, I rounded it up, didn't I? You rounded it up and sometimes you need to be a bit on the nose. Too much, didn't think. Goggles, you and sometimes you need to be a bit on the nose. Too much.

Didn't think. Goggles, you said? Yeah, gogs. 60p, you said? Oh, that's high. Too high. The actual price was 25p, so not even between that one. For a pair of goggles.

Yeah. 25p for a pair of dirty, mucky goggles pulled off the head of a drowned child at the side of Liso's swimming baths. Butterhead fancy dress. Butterhead's dead. I won't set a bike down though. What's that? It's John Pinhead again. What's happened to Butterhead? Because he's dead. He's dead on the side

of the pools. He's drowned. He got too much chlorine in his eyes, didn't he? Yeah, and he struggled and he couldn't get the goggles off and he inflated with water and then burst. And then they just dragged the corpse out of the... Just leave it in there like scum floating on top of pool. Yeah, we'll get the cleaner in tomorrow. Just add some more chlorine.

Yeah, they'll make a nice YouTube video about that, cleaning it up. How to get a dead child out of the pool. A dead Cenobite out of the pool. Yeah, a dead Cenobite out of the pool. How do you get one out? You're going to need a lot of brushes. I'll tear your pool apart.

Five minute Cenabite hacks. Game, the final item. Yes, game. You said £1.30. It was £1.50, so you still get a petwing. I've done very well. I've done four petwings, four out of five petwings. Out of potential, what, two, four, six, eight, ten.

Oh, ten? Yeah, if you got two petwings each for each one. Oh, of course, I wasn't bang on, was I? No. four out of five four out of potential what two four six eight ten oh ten yeah if you got two per twings each for each one oh of course I wasn't bang on was I no

the rules of this game you got four per twings though still a healthy showing I'm happy with that you should be given that I'm not a professional

like Eli is no you're a handsome young rookie up on the way to the top of the charts I'm like private

Benjamin you're like Rocky Balboa yeah you're like meat puncher pig handsome young rookie up on the top of the charts. I'm like Private Benjamin. You're like Rocky Balboa. Meat puncher. Pig. I'm like a pig. You're like Babe the Pig. Handsome young pig. Where's this going, Paul? I'm trying to

figure that out as we go. Where's it going? You're like Babe the Pig. You're like a young politician hoping to get to number 10. In the charts. Yeah. I'm the Prime Minister. And it's my new hit. Have any politicians ever released a single?

I mean, you know, footballers have. That's a very good question. I'd like to say, yeah. If it was like, you know, who was that? Giles Brandreth might have done it, you know? He's not really a politician though, is he? I reckon the likes of, you know, the funny ones like, what's her name, Ann Widdicombe.

Did like a rap or something. Yeah, you can imagine her being on some kind of novelty record or like Cyril Smith. No, I can't say anything instantly. All I will say was someone sent us a vinyl record in the post. Oh, yeah. That was like the greatest speeches of Nigel Farage. All I will say was someone sent us a vinyl record in the post. Oh, yeah. That was like The Greatest Speeches of Nigel Farage.

And I put it on and it was empty. It was just a blank disc. It was one of those novelty, jokey... But on the B-side, it was just jungle sounds. Just weird... kind of stuff.

That's strange, isn't it? Very strange. It's more of a kind of novelty thing, but that's the closest I can think of because the only opportunity it's given me here is D-Ream's Things Can Only Get Better, but that doesn't really count. That doesn't count because that's...

Because that song was a massive fraud that whipped us all up into a hyperactive frenzy of a possible new day tomorrow. And actually, it was just a shit song. And Brian Cox isn't a politician. No, he's not at all. No. He's barely a pop singer. What else did isn't a politician. No, he's not at all. No. He's barely a pop

singer. What else did they do? D-Ream. Things can't get any worse. I should have done that as a follow-up. D-Ream are listening, because I know they are. Get back together and make a song called Things Can Only Get Worse. Things can only get worse. Things can only get worse.

Things can only get worse. Things can only get worse, baby. And Brian Cox Presents Science Show Oh, wait. Is that the same Brian Cox? Yeah. The scientist was the singer of D-Ream. No, not the singer.

He was a keyboardist. What? You didn't know that? I did not know D-Ream. How did you not know that? So what you're saying is Brian Cox has a more insidious past than I even thought already.

He's a mad scientist, isn't he? Not mad scientist. He's chopped monkeys' heads off and put them on dogs and stuff. Have you never heard of this? Brian Cox, when he was studying at university, got kicked out because he was meant to be doing astro stuff. But unfortunately, he was kidnapping. He was buying pets from a pet store and taking their heads off. You can't say this.

Of course I can. I'm doing it right now. And he's fucked a bear. They do, though, medical students do some weird shit. Yeah. I've got a mate who's a doctor. And the stories he's told me, they're corpses. Yeah, they use corpses for all kinds of larks.

They give them one at the start of term. And basically, that's their corpse for the semester. And then basically this by the end of it the corpse there's nothing left of it because they've taken it all apart it's like proper frankenstein if i was a doctor and i was given a corpse i can tell you this it'd be more full of stuff than it would be i'm not gonna say what's inside the corpse but suffice it to say it would be chock-a-block with goodness would it be Nutella full of Nutella I tell you what

I would put my nut fella in there don't do necrophilia joke do you know what I'd do if I was a

medical student I would fill one of the corpses with jam and put and lure loads of wasps inside it

wasps make a nest yeah and then so that when one of the other students cuts into it, all the wasps come out. That would be the most horrific thing. And I'd film it. Join me on TikTok for my new channel. Befo Discussed.

Right. Well, that's the end of that then. So I'm going to go into the future and I'll get his scores. And then once it's all done, I'm going to give you a call in the future oh i can't wait i'll tell you who does best but i'll tell you what force betwings strong showing for a novice for a novice strong sorry so mr biffo uh before you go would you like to say goodbye to everyone and all that usual shit guess bye everyone be kind to me because i know you all love eli and i'm just don't say that no one no one likes eli. They pity him.

He's like Oliver Twist. You know what I mean? It's like, I tell you what, I love a twist. Right, that's it. Right, let's see how Eli got on. Tickets, please. Well, you know, it's quite appropriate that I just got back from the United States and feel very jet-lagged in a way, Paul, because it's a time travel. That is almost like a time travel element, isn't it?

I don't know what time of day it fucking is. I've got that deep fatigue creeping in. See, I'm wondering if it's opened up your third eye in terms of price of shite clarity. I've opened up my downstairs third eye. That's your fourth eye. Oh, bumholes. Right, would you like to see how you did with the betwings? I've got at least one betwing.

Tell me. I haven't blanked out here. Okay, here we go. Yes. The egg cup. I said... Thomas the Tank, you said 40p. The price, 25p. So one the Tank, you said 40p.

The price, 25p. Ooh, I believe... So one between. One between there. Between! Thank you. Right, PG Tips, you said. PG Tips is the... Tea towel and DVD.

Film DVD and tea towel set. Yes. You said 75p. Our survey said... Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. On the nose. It's a two between points, yeah. Oh, fuck. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. On the nose. It's a two between points. Oh, fuck.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Between, between, between. Nice work. Love it. Love it. Love it. Guinness. You said 25p for the Guinness shake-up.

The Guinness pepper pot. It is, in fact, 15p. So one between. I'm getting betwings all over this shot. You're literally getting betwinged all over. Yes. A betwing bukkake. Yeah.

Goggles. 50p, you said. 25p they are. Wow. Another betwing. Jesus. It's a betwing bonanza. It really is.

You've never had this many betwings. I did get that seven betwings from last week. And finally, the unbelievable truth game. You said £1.50. Unfortunately. You said £1.50. Unfortunately, it was £1.50. Eli gets two betweens.

Between, between, between, between, between. It's all together. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven betweens. Again, I've got

seven betweens again. But did you do better than Biffo? That's what we're about to find out. Hang on. So we did that, that, that.

So I've got to call him now otherwise it won't sync up right. Right. I'm going to give him a call. Right. Well, apparently he's having his dinner. I should go back in time and tell him to stop it, but I can't because the timeline won't work that way.

And they're locked in. They're fixed points in time, Mr. Silverman. But can I just say, congratulations. That's your strongest outing in a while. And you know what? Kind of old school. Remember the old school price of shites? Where petwings were flying around.

Everything was dirt cheap from charity shops. Maybe I'm just so tired. I've accessed my inner... Inner petwing. Inner petwing-eter. Radar. I am the petwing-eter. All right. Well, then I'm just going to leave a break here

and wait 15 minutes until he's had his dinner. I'm a lyrical splash, man. Splurgerer. Right, we're back. I'm joining up the timelines. I'm going to call Biffo and announce now who did better. Would it be Eli? Would it be Mr. Biffsters?

I think he kind of got two on the nose. I don't know. I'm not saying. I've kept it a mystery. I think he maybe got five. Yeah. I predict, or't have got two on the nose. I don't know. I'm not saying. I've kept it a mystery. I think he maybe got five. Yeah. I predict or

is he in the past? He's in the past but I'm bringing him to the present now for the final countdown.

I predict backwards that he got four or five between. All right. Okay. We're going to

find out now. That's what I think. I'm going to call him now on this. Here we go. How do I put

this on? Oh, do you see my nice five guys and Freddy's backpack ornament? Shut up. I'll talk about it another time. Hello? Hello, it's Paul from the future.

How are you doing? Oh, hi, Paul from the future. Well, we've got the results now because I've got Eli with me and he's played the same price of... Oh, my God. Hello, Biffo. Hello, Eli. Hello.

I reckon I've got you, mate. I can't hear you. That's a bad line. Why can't you hear... Am I clear? Yeah, I can hear you. Well, you're very clear. Oh, it's a terrible line at this end.

It's probably your fault then. Just tell us the fact... Yeah, right. So I'm going to tell you the scores now. Well, rather, how you did, all right? I'm going to tell you the scores now. Well, rather how you did. All right. I can't wait. You don't sound so fucking sarcastic.

How dare you? Look, I rushed my dinner for you. I choked. I choked on a minestrina thing because I was eating so fast. What's a minestrina? What's a minestrina? I don't know. It's pasta in a soup

thing. Minestrone? Is that what you're trying to say? No, that's not... You don't know how to say minestrone. No, it's... She speaks Italian. She calls it minestrina. I think she's making it up to wind you up, mate. I don't think that's how you

say it. Minestrone. We call it minestrina. Yeah, mate. I don't think that's how you say it. Mini, mini, mini, mini. Minestrone. We call it Minestrina. Yeah, do you? How very nice. Well, I'm going to give you the results now, all right? So here we go. Off you go.

Right, so Eli, as we found out, you got seven betwings out of a possible ten. Yes. Biffo got four. Yes! I predicted it. Eli is the winner Eli's played this many

more times than I have yeah but he's jet lagged he's jet lagged and poorly and tired and we think he's opened up his third eye I'm recovering from

choking on Minestrina yeah but that was now not back then you weren't choking on Minestrina in the past have you seen her

Minestrina tell me how I can you seen her? Minestrina. Tell me how. I can't compete with the King of Between, can I? No, thank you, but thanks for trying. Yeah, it was a very valiant effort, but he did nail the prices spot on on two items. I want a rematch at some point. Oh, we'll do that then.

We'll give you a rematch. The bout to toss the other one out the window or something. Something wittier than that that I said because it was fucking awful. Right. Yeah, that was bad. Well, thank you for playing. You've been a great sport. Oh, it was a pleasure.

And it was nice to speak to you in the past. But in the future, you're a loser. Yeah, why don't you fuck off? See you soon, Mr. Biffo. See you soon, Mr. Biffo. See you soon, Mr. Biffo. Thanks for playing. Bye. Bye.

What a loser. Hang on. Hang up, yeah. Hang on. Oh, good. Five stars. Did you see? Can I have an extra per twing

for predicting how many per twings he got? I'm going to give you eight per twings. Sweet. Here we go. And a one. I'm just going to warm my mouth up. No, I don't need you. I've got to warm it up to give you proper betwings.

Why? What are you using to warm your mouth up? Just mouth exercises. I've got a little heater. Have you seen those heaters? You can get them on PVC. TVC. QVC.

QVC. You can get PVC on QVC. Little mouth heater. No, it's a little mouth heater. What does it do? It's got a battery attached. Put it under your tongue. Yeah. A little vibrator. No, it's a little mouth heater. What does it do? It's got a battery attached. Put it under your tongue. Yeah.

A little vibrator? No, it's a heater. It glows. Why do you need to heat your tongue? Because you've got a cold mouth. Well, just put a sausage in it or something. Licking an ice queen's fanny. Ice queen?

I would like to lick an ice queen. I win. Next. Hang on, I am giving you the betwings. I've got to walk with my mouth up. Who cares, Paul? Right, here we go. Good to go. Here we go.

Betwing, betwing, betwing, betwing, betwing, betwing, betwing, betwing. Yes. I stand predominant. Well, that's all we've got time for this week on Cheap Show. Hasn't it been fun? Two timelines, one great adventure.

Eli's going to bed now because he needs his beddy bows time sleepy time. I literally have been in transit for 20 hours. And I hope you can make some nice knuckle truffle

before you go to bed. I will not be chuckling this knuckle for another two days. Have a little treat. It might seep out. Treat yourself on me. It might just seep out

when I'm asleep. Yeah, it might do. It might, you know. It might get dirty night time seepage. It might get the sleepy pre-gump.. Yeah, it might do. You might, you know. I might get dirty nighttime seepage. You might get the sleepy pre-gump. Well, anyway, next week, I'll be telling you all about my trip to Florida, Paul.

Yes, because Eli has recorded some exciting, some exciting audio from his time. There was some incidents, and I'd like to talk about, you know, some sociological issues from that part of the world as well. Wonderful. Well, I'm generally looking forward to next week's Eli Silverman's Florida adventure episode.

But that's it for now. We're going to say goodbye. All the, basically, to keep this short for the admin, it is thecheapshow.co.uk. That's where everything is. Links to Patreon, links to merch, links to pages for each episode, images. It's all there, thecheapshow.co.uk. And I'm at PaulGannonShow on Twitter, at The Cheap Show Pod, and Eli is... I am at

eli snoid spelt e-l-i-s-n-o-i-d yay eli's come home cheap show can continue thus i'm back baby i'm back baby all right see you next week tatty bye bye everybody you