CheapShow - Ep 277: Sock Race

Episode Date: April 15, 2022

WARNING: On this week’s edition of the podcast, in the Tales from the Shop Floor segment, Paul reads out a letter that some may find gross, disturbing and stomach churning. At least Eli did when he heard it! So, bear that in mind as we launch into yet another week of economy comedy madcap stupidity. If you can make it through the TFTSF section of the show with the contents of your stomach still inside you, there are more cheap thrills to enjoy. Paul also has a new Gannon’s Golden Games to show off and it’s a great one! Grab your socks, fill them with oddities and see who can pull out the designated object first. We’re having a Sock Race! What begins as a cheeky bit of silliness soon becomes an angry shout fest when Paul realises that he may be utter crap at this game… Much to Eli’s joy! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-277-sock-race And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Oh, and you can NOW listen to Urinevision 2021 on Bandcamp... For Free! Enjoy! https://cheapshowpodcast.bandcamp.com/album/urinevision-2021-the-album MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop Www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Grandad Wrinkle Toe, they call me. Hello, Grandad Wrinkle Toe. I've got fungal infections. Whereabouts? On your toes, Grandad? No, on my knob ends. They just call me Wrinkle Toe because I've got very wrinkly toes. What is this? The fucking filth... Spanish Inquisition.

Right, that's our shortest cold open. That's not a fucking cold open! It is. I'm just trying to warm up and this shouldn't be... This is sub-professional Maverick-level material, which should not be exposed. Are you saying that that grandpa crinkle toes... It dilutes the whole brand of the podcast.

It shouldn't be released to the general public. No, it's not up to scratch. Right. Do you want to try another character then? Funnily, scratching is what grandpa wrinkle toes does when he's not... To his knob. Thank you.

Top drawer stuff. His blisters on his knob. Thank you. Top drawer stuff. He gets blisters on his helmet. Oh, flaky they are. Every character you create... As a knob... Is a grotty knob end. As a grotty knob end. Or they infer

some kind of penis... They infer some kind of penis. Some kind of first-world penis. I'll come in and I'll infer a penis, Paul. Okay? Yeah. Hello. What's that lump?

Is it... You can't infer. Come on. No, I've got it. I've got it. You've got it. Right, good. Look, I'm fucking this animal.

It's inferred. My penis is inferred. Right, you've ruined it. You have. I've ruined it. You and Grandpa crinkle Crackers or whatever his name is. What have we got coming up on the show?

Let's just start the show. Yeah, let's stay at this. Welcome to the Cheap Show. Hello. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. Go Jolly! People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept.

Cheap Show. Cheap Show. Off-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-Ramp-R Silverman. Welcome to Cheap Show. And I go and I nuzzle. Do you want to ask me again then? What have we got coming up on this week's edition? Fucking nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Just quiet.

Just quiet. It's going to be a nice quiet episode. Is it? Just relax, man. We don't have to do anything. Every week, it's content, content, content, content, content, content, isn't it? Content, content, content. I mean, I try. Some of the stuff that you put out.

But I'm thinking. I'm thinking we don't need content. Some of that stuff you put out is barely content. It's you saying, I'm sexy Paul over and over again. That doesn't count. That's the breakout hit from last week, sexy Paul. That is not the breakout hit from last week. Ho, ho, ho.

Sexy Paul. I'm sexy Paul. Sexy Paul. Ganon. Paul. Sexy Paul Gannon. What were you doing? You were doing an impression of Bowie. I was singing over China Girl. Bowie. Yeah.

Crinkle crackers. I could do Grandpa Crinkle Toes in the style of Bowie. No, I'm going to do Grandma Crinkle Crackers then. Okay, go on. Who has a very flaky scalp. Oh, yeah. I wasn't going to say fanny. I wish you scalp. Oh, yeah.

I wasn't going to say fanny. I wish you had. Oh, no. Well, the thing is, I'm subverting expectations. You go low, I go high. Literally, the scalp. Yes, the scalp. Can't get higher than that on a human, can you?

Can you? No. The end of your hairs, if they point straight up. If you've got like a spiked haircut. But is the hair part of the body, Paul? they are dead cells they're like nails would you say your fingernail as you cut it off was part of your body what does it put your hand above your head would then the fingertip your fingernail be it'd be higher than your scalp but only temporarily temporarily anyway let's just relax come on i can relax. I've got a limited... Content.

We're not doing content this week. You said we were. Can I have some more vibrato on that, please? Can you have some more vibrato on your twat? What was that? Vibrato? Vibrato. Hello? Hello? What? You're saying my name? What was that? Viberto. Viberto. Hello.

Hello. Oh, what? You saying my name? You saying my name? You were an Italian vibrating character. Hey, you saying my name? Viberto. Ah, Viberto.

What do you do? Work in a little ice cream shop. Okay, nice. It's, you know, the... When do you make the cream? Come, next character. Molecular ice cream. Molecular ice cream shop. Okay, nice. It's, you know, the... When do you make the cream? Come. Next character. Molecular ice cream.

Molecular ice cream? Yes, I take one molecule of my spunk. There we go. There we go. I replicate the molecule of my spunk and I call it

the raspberry ripple. Your spunk. My spunk. Right, bye, Roberto. Bye, everyone. I got tired of him. That's it. Bye, everyone. speak speak right bye Roberto bye everyone I got tired of him that's it bye everyone

Viberto no we have on the show today two segments Viberto Vibe-berto he goes night clubbing does he so there's another side of him

not just the work no he's got you know all work and no play as they say makes Jack a very dull boy replicating your spunk molecules to put into ice cream how do you replicate them he's got special technology know, all work and no play, as they say. He makes Jack a very dull boy. Replicating your spunk molecules to put into ice cream. How do you replicate them? He's got special technology.

Yeah, it just wags twice. That's how you do it. Oh, no, no, no. They're talking industrial level. Actually, Eli, I don't want to know. I don't actually care for this conversation. So we're moving on. Well, next time he's round, when he comes round,

comes round here, when he's sort of around here, Paul, perhaps you could ask him because he likes to talk about it good well I'll leave it for now I'll leave it for now it bores me because I hate all your characters

and I also hate talking to them he's also did you know he's Italian French that's why the accent sort of slips back and forth yeah and Mexican as well funny thing about him he spent time in all three of those

four of those countries yeah no it sounds like he's very cosmopolitan he's very and that's one of his ice cream flavours, is an update on the cosmopolitan. Shit, spunk, blood. Neapolitan. Is it?

Shit, spunk, blood. Tricolore. Yeah, right? Great. Don't laugh. No, I wasn't going to do that. Stop laughing. I wasn't going to do that.

You're the one who is, it's either shit, blood, cum, or vomit, or fucking animals. okay so i do masturbation staples i know we all know staples yeah talking of staples which is a shop it's a store that sells office supplies look i'm doing the link no i'm doing the link but it's tenuous you can't just go from spunk to link i didn't i sent went from staples to shop to tales from the shop floor well on the show today we shop to tales from the shop floor well on the show today we have a tales from the shop floor and i'm gonna go and say it right now in

advance this one's a grisly one bear with uh it's not like necrotic fuckhole bear with bear with bear with be what's what what spelling of the word bear do you use to say bear with me? B-A-R-E or B-E-A-R? B-E-A-R. But isn't that an animal? It certainly is, yes. So why is it not bear as in naked, though? Why couldn't you...

It's the same bear as I bear it. Yeah, I know. I can't bear it. That's spelt like the animal as well, isn't it? Yeah. It's the same word. Bear with me. I've just never thought about that until this very second in my life.

Bear with me means bear it to be with me. To bear me. Bear it to be with me. Good game. Marvellous. Shut up. If you want to get any, then you better bear with me. Bear with me.

Bear with me. Bear with me. Welcome to another episode of Fruity's Abusey. Here comes the bear. The bear. Hit you in the face. Blimey, I'm on the floor. Good.

It's actually interesting how you also sound like the guy who's through the racing on TV. And there's Nigel Mansell going round the corner. They're both dead, aren't they? Great. Cheery, cheery Eli with his up-to-date information on celebrities. Are we still doing this bit? Or are we...

I'd like to hear this grizzly tales from the shop floor. I'm going to go to it in a second, but also I want to... This is the set-up part of the show. Am I going to get phantom twinges in my knapsack? Potentially. Potential phantom twinges. It is a medical-based tales from the shop floor.

Am I going to get nip-to-the-tip twinges? Yes. Like ghost pains writhing around in my nip holes. Yeah. You're going to get a pain. You're going to get a cringe from your from your snooch to your gooch. You got the gooch in everybody.

Snooch to gooch. Tick that fucking box. Tick that box. Paul said gooch. That should be the main thing. You should get fucking bingo automatically when you say gooch because that's all you ever fucking say. There still is a cheap show bingo card floating about the internet. It doesn't have Paul says gooch on it's all you ever fucking say. There still is a cheap show bingo card floating about the internet, you know? It doesn't have Paul Says Gooch on it.

You've developed that recently. Needs to change. You love gooch words. I love gooch. Yeah. Perineum. Yes. Lovely words.

You can eat. Is there another word for it? No, I think perineum is... Bars. Yes. Taint. Taint, bars. There's lots of things.

Yeah. Goats of... Rogers profanosaurus. Yes, there's probably loads there. Like the... Let's think of one right now No Man's Land

The Baker's Knuckle it's not called The Baker's Knuckle I'm just thinking of words no this is not going to be as good it's not

it's a smooth one and then we're going to do an Aganis Golden Games later in the show Aganis Golden Games Aganis Golden Games hang on Paul

I did promise something to Viberto yeah I did promise him. Yeah. He's not coming back. If you attempt to get his character to come in. He just wants to do the Gannis Gannis Gang thing.

I know improv, Eli, is all yes and. But I'm very much in the no but. He wants to come back just briefly and do the Gannis Gannis Gang thing. Viberto! Hey, is it me yet? I can just edit this out if I want to don't get off yes Fiberto

it is it's your chance now to do the Golden Games thing so give it some mate alright ok I live for this moment

speak into the mic I'm coming to the mic fucking asshole like ghetto from Co culio i might just rename this i might just rename this segment so i don't have to every fucking time i do this segment i don't care paul i'll still find a way yeah you will ganon's they are you had of saying Ganon's Golden Games. Yeah, you will.

Ganon's, they are. You had, it's Ganon's Golden Games. Paul's Particular Past Times. Oh, I like that. All right, let's change it then. Paul's Particular Past Times is the segment we're going to do. Fine. All right.

Say goodbye to Viberto. Fuck off, Viberto. Hey, you asshole, I'm going over here. I'm coming over here. I'm coming over here. Come around here again, don't you worry. I'm going now. Three out of ten for that character, Eli. On balance, you know, he didn't make much of an impression

and it's quite an offensive stereotype. Yeah, quite a lot to him. No. With his molecular ice cream company. Yeah, no, I didn't see much of that in his second appearance. He's a fan of the show and I don't think he should... He lived for that, you know? He wanted to say a Gannon's a golden...

Oh, God. That's what we're doing this week on the show. Oh, fucking hell. Has it gone sour? You soured it with your stupid, fucking stupid characters. You sweaty mess. I'm not sweaty. What's that underneath your armpit, then?

Ah, sweaty mess, isn't it? But listen, stroke the forehead. I don't want to touch you. I'm not sweaty. What's that underneath your armpit, then? Ah, sweaty mess, isn't it? But listen, stroke the forehead. I don't want to touch you. Please stroke the forehead. I'm not in the mood to touch you today. Touch my forehead. It's not liquid forehead. I don't want to touch you.

It's smooth paper forehead. All I want to do when I look at that forehead is take my palm and slap it on your head as hard as I can. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, really? That's all I want to do. So it's threats of violence.

Is that all you've got? Your mouth's no good, so you're threatened violence. Yeah? You can't talk proper. You can't put someone down, say what you feel, think of, like, fucking characters. Woohoo! Hello, it's-a me. Er...

Exactly! Exactly! Matt or Gelato? Matto Gelato. Matto Gelato. Hello, mate. Hello. It's-a me, Matto. What do you want me to do?

What do you do for a living, Matto Gelato? I have a cell of respect. I have a big family. I have successful business. And what's the business do? It's easy. NFTs. Just press the button, please.

I've never seen a segment tail off like this before. I've never known it. To just whimper away. Please just press the button. We've got nothing. Let's just begin the show. Okay. Oh, it's not an O'Norman week, is it?

It really isn't. And so, we move to Tales from the Shop Floor, Floor, Floor, Floor. Tales from the Shop Floor, write and say all of the things that you saw today. In your job... Don't you interrupt me! If I thought you had any ounce of musical improvisational skill, I'd let you join in, but you don't.

I've written a whole musical. Because you're a floppy-tongued wangler. Tales from the Shop Floor is the section of the show for new listeners who may be listening where people write in about their retail job

nightmares, essentially. You know what? The cheap show Bingo has a card, a little square that says, at some point in the episode when someone goes should we do this again? And right now I'm going to help you fill out that square in the card because fuck me, do you want to start this whole episode again? Oh

not the whole episode. No, I can't be bothered. Let's start this segment again. Just do it for them, okay? Don't do a song. Just tell them what it is. A song is within me. I can't help it if I open the cage

to my imagination and song fly out. Can I? If song fly out of my heart? Song unfills its wingeth. The wingeth!

Yay! If the song unfills its wingeth from my heart. I know, I know. It has to singeth. Okay. The singeth

and the wingeth. How do. I know, I know. It has to singeth. Okay. The singeth and the wingeth. How do you like that, you fucking prick? Touché. Now, please, just introduce the segment. We are doing a

Tales from the Shop floor. Now, as the years have gone by, the format and the content has changed. So it's not just charity shop stories. It's been police people watching other people have sex

with holes in people's legs. Or, you know, what else have we done that's really, you know, people taking a shit in a park. Lots of fun stuff like that. The basic format is things that have happened to people at work.

Yes. It's turned into that, hasn't it? Yeah, and that's fine. We don't mind it, right? We don't mind it. However, was it a few weeks ago we were talking about, like, medical cadavers or things like that, or what people do with dead bodies?

I wasn't talking about that. I don't know what you do in your off time. I'm pretty sure we talked about it. In your own deepest, darkest thoughts. No, I'm pretty sure we talked about, like, surgeons and medical students, and then I woke up erect and wet. Yeah, exactly. I don't know.

I don't know. It was all weird. My little belly snake made a hiccup. Oh dear. Oh no. Anyway, I don't know why

but we must have said something because someone sent in an email. Now, they have said that they want to send this in anonymously and I would kind of say, yeah,

Graham, we won't use your name on this episode. Old gag ears. I'm quite squeamish just as if you are squeamish this might be uh one of those ones to skip ahead to skip ahead uh i don't know how well what to because you should do an edit where you put in like the actual minute for them uh do some more work no future pa. No just say a random time right now. Two minutes 46. Skip to two minutes 46 right now.

We're already way past. We'll wait two minutes 46 now and then I'll read out the worst bit. I have a little little penis. Couldn't help it

you left too long a gap. As the bishop said to the choir. I have a little premonition Paul. I've heard that rumour. Of what's going to be in this.

Yeah. And I think there'll be some sort of genital mutilation or sort of... Or poo. Or poo. Coming out. Genital manipulation or poo.

Those are my two top picks. Okay, well... Or a combination of both. Let's find out, shall we? Because we did say poo-poo out bumhole. Yes, and maybe... Maybe that was like,

you know, like our little moment, our sort of Nostradamus. Poo-poo out bumhole. Yes, and maybe... Maybe that was like, you know, like our little moment, our sort of Nostradamus. Poo-poo out of the bumhole on the fifth. No, I don't believe Nostradamus ever said in his lifetime...

No, we said willy hole. Poo-poo out the willy hole, didn't we? I'm going to just go ahead and say no, we never said that because that's embarrassing. You said it!

No, I don't believe that ever happened on this podcast. Oh, here he goes with his messy cannon. This fine class. Yeah, well, I can mess with it. What is reality? You said poo! No, I don't believe that ever happened on this podcast. Oh, here he goes with his messy with the cannon. Yeah, well, I can mess with it. What is reality? You said poo-poo comes out the dick hole,

and then I said that's it. You've put the nail through the head there. And that's reality. Great stuff. So, this could have, Paul, it would be amazing. I know you're going to burst my bubble on this right away, but if this did have poo-poo out the dick hole in some way.

I can safely say that this story does not have poo-poo out the dick hole in some way. I can safely say that this story does not have poo-poo out the dick hole. Thank you. Good. Thank you for that. So,

with that being said, it is now time. And again, I just want to put one last warning out there. This isn't like as bad as a necrotic leg hole, but this could be upsetting to some people. Okay. just want to put one last warning out there. This isn't as bad as necrotic Lego, but this could be upsetting to some people.

Okay. I want to put that out there. Fine. I have to just hear it. Caveat emptor, as they say. Which means what? Don't do this at home. Buyer beware.

Ah. Be careful what you pay for, or you'll be stuffed. But does it mean you get what you pay for? No, it just means, you know, buyer beware. Be vigilant. You know, you make sure... You could buy a bad one. Yeah. And it will be all rotten. Yeah, it just means, you know, beware, be vigilant. You know, you make sure... You could buy a bad one.

Yeah. And it will be all rotten. Yeah, you could open it. If you buy it into an apple, there's half a worm in it. It's like Kinder Egg, isn't it? It means you've eaten the other half of the worm.

Yeah. Fucking hell. That's not quite the same analogy. You're going to turn into like some kind of super worm. No. Is that what happens? No.

The worm goes in your brain and starts saying, eat more apples, turn into a butterfly. Sounds all right. You might lose weight. Not you in specifically, the overall you. I go to me specifically when people say lose weight.

Yeah. Yeah. I think about myself. Yeah. And you also think about you with a worm in your brain making you eat apples. Is that what you fucking enjoy? Come on, read it.

I want to see what the writing style is like. Right. This, again, anonymous. I'm going to keep it simple and quiet. Hello, Eli and Paul. I'm sending this anonymously because the story is, strictly speaking, illegal. Oh, dear. Sure.

Yeah. Cavite em porto. Camper to porto. Right. Here we go. In your last episode, Paul... Oh, okay. So I might have been speaking with this with Biffo when I did that episode with him bouncing back and forth in time. Oh, I see. Yeah. In your last ep, Paul... Oh, okay, so I might have been speaking with this with Biffo when I did that episode with him bouncing back and forth in time. Oh, I see, yeah, great.

In your last ep, Paul and Biffo talked about how medical students in the UK dissect corpses for learning. Fair enough. I'm near the end of my medical degree, but in the first year, I did indeed dissect a body whom we nicknamed Esther. Funny nickname. I don't know, weirdly giving a name to a corpse in itself is an unsettling thing. Yeah, but then otherwise you have to say the corpse.

The corpse. The corpse. The corpse. Yeah, but I wouldn't want to give it a character. They're all pissed up, aren't they? Not students. Not all the time. Not all the time.

They're all pissed up. Esther! They'd all have the shakes by the time they got to surgery, wouldn't they? If they were drinking for that hard and long at school, you'd be going, right, count to ten, and as you count to ten backwards on the anaest you see their hand trembling you'd be like oh no you know what may be a total um myth myth but have you ever heard this story about doctors who have access to saline yes going out on the piss all night and then looking themselves up and they sober up that is apparently a thing i don't know it has the air to me now the sound of one of those total urban myths?

Maybe. Because that would mean there was an actual cure for a hangover. Like you could literally clean... You know, you could clean the alcohol out of your blood. Again, only if you knew how the medical knowledge of what you were doing... Yeah, but that means really rich people could do it. They could go out... We don't know really rich people don't do it.

We don't know Robert Downey Jr. has a bank account. I think it must be dangerous. You don't want to do that. They could go out. We don't know really rich people don't do it. We don't know Robert Downey Jr. I think it must be dangerous. You don't want to do that just because you're pissed. No. Do you know what I mean? Because you're replacing

your blood plasma. I don't know how it all works. I mean, don't you tell me that you have to have blood plasma of the right type or whatever, don't you? Yeah. But didn't you tell me

like diarrhea medicine is good for hangovers? Yeah, apparently. You've not actually tried it. I have, yeah. It's like an Alka-Seltzer or whatever, you know. It will settle your stomach. It deals with the lost nutrients or something. And it hydrates you. Yes, it has salts.

It has all the salts in it. All the salts. Different salts. So here we go. He had a body called Esther. On slow days, we would cut off chunks of fat from Esther. She was a hefty lady, so there was plenty going spare. And attempt to slip them into pockets of other students, lab demonstrators, or anyone walking past.

I'm just going to put that as a seven on the consummeter, frankly. That's not nice. Here's a bunch of body fat. I'm going to put it in your pocket. You're going home. You're looking for your house keys. And then, finger full of Esther, innit? It's like fight club is it

yeah they made so bad they steal all the all the fat from the outside the bins the liposuction places yeah oh one time

a boy with a not insubstantial number of globs of fat in his pocket unknowingly stuck his hand into them and then ran his fingers through his hair

much to our delight oh who is this person i'm thinking about naming him and giving their full address to the constabulary i mean there's nothing that's not illegal is it that's just i mean it's on the i guess you shouldn't be messing with you shouldn't be messing around with it but you have access to it because you're meant to be learning about it i mean you know what i mean yeah it doesn't make them come across as nice people not really but i mean they're all doing it. But this was years ago, wasn't it? Yeah.

And there is often an element of sort of peer pressure around these kind of pranking, like, you know, a culture, you know, sort of where it becomes acceptable, even if the hazing or... That's what I'm saying. Let's not go ahead and call him a cunt. You know, people change. It might get worse.

It might get well worse. I mean, I can imagine the pranks they pulled in Victorian medical schools at the time were probably a lot more grisly because they had less respect for bodies, maybe. There were less codes of conduct. I don't know. I don't think so. I mean, Birkin hair and all that kind of stuff.

But those are undertakers. You know, there's a difference. Well, they were just body snatchers. And then they became murderers. But there was a lot of body snatching going around at the time, wasn't there? It was a big thing. Because you got buried with your jewellery. Well, yeah, there was also that.

But there was also medical doctors would buy corpses. Did you got buried with your jewellery. Well, yeah, there was also that, but there was also medical doctors would buy corpses for people. Did you hear about those body farms? No. They're places where medical people want to study the decomposition of a body. Oh, so bodies just laid out in different environments. Yeah, in a field with a cage around it

to stop animals getting to it. All a bunch of them. Imagine how weird that is. And they just keep checking in on that every few weeks. That's a good setting for a horror film, I haven't a body farm oh yeah that'd be a good setting wouldn't it yeah and then like a sort of rural american sort of hicksville like body farm guy there's a scene where a lady walks through and she sees them all but then she goes here's one go help me yeah and she's alive oh my god they're still alive still alive just but people would were

terrified as well at that time of being buried alive. So a lot of people would say, you know, you're not going to... Well, there was a whole industry. I can avoid being buried alive if I give myself to a body farm after death. There was also an industry in coffins that were made to help you get out. Like, for instance, there would be a bell inside or a little flag that you'd pull and things like that. Scary because the Victorians had a weird relationship with death.

Yes. And so all of this stuff and the body snatching and the grave digging and all of these things just led to a kind of fear of dying just because you wonder what would happen to your body afterwards.

But I don't, I mean, you think students, medical students of the day would be more ghoulish. Is that what you're saying? I mean, I don't think. Of that day, yeah. Why?

I don't know. I just get the impression that it's like... They could get away with it easier, I guess. Probably. Yeah. I hate to use the old trope, but was Jack the Ripper a medical person? There are ideas that he might have had a medical knowledge background. Well, that's what they say, that he definitely did have medical... I think that was one of the big pieces of evidence, is that

mutilations could only have been carried out with someone with surgical experience. But then they also say that... Isn't that what they say? Yeah, but they also say that not all... Isn't that what they say? Yeah, but they also say that not all the victims of Jack the Ripper were done by the same person, potentially. So you just don't know. We don't want to get into this. It might have been a bunch of bloody students.

Our podcast is sounding like a totally different and more boring, really boring podcast. Sounds like a true crime one right now, doesn't it? Let's... Keep reading. Reading. Right. The most notorious incident occurred

when we were cutting into Esther's small intestine. I knew it. I knew it. And the putrid green sludge of her last meal spilled out. He's gotten up. Hang on. I'd stay standing up if you... How are you?

Here we go. Take it in. With an accidental flick of the scalpel blade, a semi-digested hunk of bowel contents flew across the table and into the mouth of my friend. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! It hit the back of her throat

and immediately, in a reflex way, swallowed it. Needless to say, she fell to the ground retching and we all fell to the ground laughing. I'm beginning to think this might be a psychopath's email. That's so... You wouldn't even put that in a film. There's no way of making that not gross. No, I'm pretty sure I've seen something similar to that

somewhere along the line, though. No, there's that Ash vs. Evil Dead. He gets shat on by a corpse, doesn't he, in his face? Well, there's two medical horror scenes in that series. The first one is, yeah,

the fight in the morgue where he ends up up a corpse's arsehole, doesn't he? And then out of its ribcage and all that stuff. I mean, it sounds disgusting to describe it

but it's hilarious. Do you know what, Paul? When the little willy's on his face. You know what the weirdest thing is? What? It's made me,

reminded me of an incident from my childhood that I had, I really haven't thought about in years. Yeah. Then ladies and gentlemen, I wish to hear this suppressed memory. We needed a shit, me and my mate. I was going to say, you and me, we know we didn't. Me and my mate needed a shit.

We were out somewhere. We couldn't, and then we both took a shit. And then my mate was just messing around. Where did you take a shit? In the woods? It was like out in the woods or something. Okay. So you both found a little place to sit we're on a walk like and we needed it yeah you've never done that on a walk with me no i try not to well maybe we should do that for the next walk i'm not taking an alfresco turn i just feel i'm missing out i i

don't like to i want to have you and me bum bum. And he stepped in my turd, like as a joke, like he was messing around. Oh, he stepped in it. And then he was flicking it out of the tread in his trainers. Like a stick. And some went in his mouth. He literally ate your shit. Yeah. Oh, no.

How weird is that? I hadn't thought of that in years and years and years. What happened then? Did he sick? He was like, bleh, bleh, bleh. It wasn't like... Did you laugh? He didn't swallow it.

It kind of just sort of went in. Yeah. And I laughed, obviously. And I thought, let's not talk about this. And then you picked up his shit and ate a bit of it.

And then you ate a bit of his. And then you started rubbing it on each other. No. And each other's dirty, balanced things. I, I, you see again,

I admit. Then you rolled around in the woods in defecation bliss. I admit something. Yeah. Something quite personal that came up. Yeah. Well, you hope it came up. Yeah. Something quite personal that came up.

Yeah. Well, you hope it came up. No. I'm not. Moving on. Not reacting to it. And you fucking attack me and call me a shit lover.

Yeah. A little pervy kid shit lover. I'm just wondering where it escalated to. No, it didn't escalate to anywhere. That was the end of the escalation.

Did you feel like putting your foot in his poo-poo? No, no. I would not do that. Would I? He was being an idiot and he got his comeuppance. He did. Which is a big gollop. Of your hot toddler.

I think it was like a piece of corn or something. That's the way I remember it. In your head, yeah. A comical piece of poo-corn popped into his mouth. It had some kind of structural integrity. It was obviously a lump. It had enough gristle to it.

Anyway, moral of the story, he says, do not donate your body to science or you will likely end up toyed with or eaten by a bunch of teenage twats.

Hope this provided some entertainment and doesn't technically count as fecal as it was only very much pre-digestion. All the best, Anonymous.

That makes it worse somehow, doesn't it? I said there'd be poo. That was almost coming out of Dicko. It's like that film with Daniel Day-Lewis, Let There Be Poo. Right, you're going to press the button. I've been talking about milkshakes. You've killed it for me. Have I?

Yes. What can I do to cheer you up? Let there be poo. I mean, come on. What can I do to cheer you up? Let there be poo. I mean, come on. What can I do to cheer you up? It's like that pool. It's like that fucking film, you know, with the big, big turd that eats people in the sea. Poo.

Oh, Jaws. Poo. Poo. Right. You know what? That ruined it. The poo father. Do you want to just carry on riffing like that?

We could do this all day. Well, that's what I mean. That's the level you brought it to. Back to the poo-cha. Poo father. Do you want to just carry on riffing like that? We could do this all day. Well, that's what I mean. That's the level you brought it to. Back to the poo-cha. Poo busters. Oh, come on. Poonies. The lost poos.

Terminator poo. Judgment poo. How about that one? That'd cheer you up. That did quite cheer me up. Oh, right. That does. Oh. That did quite chill Oh Fucking that

Just stop Stop I was going to ask Yeah Viberto to come in and do it Were you? Yeah but forget it now You've done it so we don't need to He did it before Yeah but I thought I was going to come in and get him to come in and do it. There you go, there you go. Were you? Yeah, but forget it now. You've done it, so we don't need to.

He did it before. Yeah, but I thought I was going to come in and get him to do it. I'll see if he's... No, no, no, Paul's fine now. No, you've done it, though. You've done it, so you don't need to do it no more, do you? Oh, no. No, I do.

We don't need to elongate this any more than we have to. No, we could, because he is hanging about, Paul. What? He is hanging about out there. Why is he hanging about out there? I don't want him out there. He's talking to the crinkle-crankle grannies. Granny crinkle-cracks or whatever their name is.

I can't remember what I said half an hour ago. Grandad crinkle toes and his wife Granny crinkle crinkle. Crinkle crinkle. I can't remember. That's her name. Crinkle crinkle. Don't say it too lampy.

Crinkle crackle. Yes. What do they do? Do they squish poos? No, they don't do... I don't know what they do. They're just hanging around. Tell them to fuck off.

Tell all of them to go. Viberto. Yeah, V to go. Viberto. Yeah, Viberto. Viberto. You characters are never as good as the old ones, are they? I could just get him back in, because he'd love it. He's a big fan of yours. He loves to say...

Is he a big fan of mine? Yeah. Although, in that case, that's all right. That's why he wants to announce Gannis Golden Gannis. Okay, all right, then bring him in if he's a big fan. Oh, this is quite flattering. Never had a fan before. It's nice.

Viberto. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. You want me to do it again? Come on. Oh, this is so good. Oh, I'm so excited. Hello, dear Apollo.

Sidebar, Eli. Just step outside the podcast a second for me. We haven't done it in a while, but just step outside the podcast. What, we're going to go down underneath? No, I've got a simple... I think we've got a hatch. Go underneath into the catacombs. No, none of that. Let's go into the catacombs. No, we're not going into the... Come on.

Alright, let me just press this button and we'll go straight down. What? Viberto's waiting. No, I know. It's just I want to speak to you about the quality of your accents because they're very poor. Viberto sounds like Moriarty. He sounds like a bit of Brandoff. He's not very Italian sounding, is he?

I understand where you're coming from, Paul. Yeah. You're working with a maverick, sometimes doing things that are beyond the comprehension of other performers. You just have to trust me. You have to trust me in your heart that I will find a way to portray

that character in a truthful and exciting way. But thanks for the little... I just want you to be more mindful of the accents that you do because, you know, they're a bit sloppy around the edges. Understood. Taken on board.

Do you want to go up ahead of me? I've just got to tidy up down here for a second. Can you go up ahead of me? Well, I'm getting the lift. How do I operate it? I'll press it for you now. Okay, I'll go. See you in a sec fucking cunt

is a is a hello a pod I'm a verb I am not in the podcast I'm still downstairs come up upstairs

I have to in the podcast yet. I'm still downstairs. Come upstairs. I have to use the lift. Right, I'm here. Hello there, Paul. I'm a big fan of your work. I love it. You can come and have some free molecular ice cream. I'm all right for ice cream.

Do the intro. I'll give you two free packs of our biggest seller. It's our biggest seller, Paula. Three minutes. Is that Paula? Your name Paula? It's not Paula. Paula, that's your name? That's what I say, Paula. Oh God. Oh no, God. Anyway, you can have

you can have you can have two quarts. Just say Gannon Golden Games. Two quarts of our biggest seller. I'm just going to cut this. Oh, the spunky spewmanty. I'm just going to cut this. And now I say the Ganon Golden Games, okay?

Yeah, please do it. A Ganon's Golden Games, a Ganon's Golden Games. Here I am, where am I? A Ganon's Golden Games. So thank you very much. Bye. Bye, Danny, lad. Do you want to sing Joke Don't J?

Shut up with your face on the way out? I'm okay. I have to go back to the ice cream factory. Bye. Bye. What a lovely chap. Right, so what I found in a charity shop...

No, he's really charming, though, isn't he, Paul? What I found in a charity shop was a nice little game. It's not exactly a classic, but it's a fun game, and I thought we'd play it today. It's called The Sock Game. The Spunky Sock Game game the spunky sock game the crispy sock game you couldn't wait

i don't know something has been playing on my mind and since i've seen this this game today paul yes how much spunk could you get in a sock like what happens to a load of spunk this is a question we've never answered but asked many times. Just before we started recording this segment, Eli was like, I think we went too far on the poo stuff.

I think we should pull back. Cut to... How much spunk could you get in a sock? Does it dry out? Does it lose its weight? I imagine you could potentially,

indefinitely spunk into a sock. Indefinitely? Is that the right word? Yes. Yeah, you could carry on there. Yeah, because... For your whole lifetime.

You could use the same sock and never have to... Imagine you use the sock... Never have to pour it out. Imagine from the moment you hit puberty... Right. Until the day you died, every ejaculation you ever had... Had to be in that sock. Was in that sock.

Would that sock still exist after 20, 30, 40 years? Would that sock still be there? You'd keep it in a little box, wouldn't you? Like Tupperware or something. And you'd seal it so it was airtight and then you just pull it out when you

need to imagine the smell of that sock it'd probably be stinky and quite damn imagine how bad that sock would be

after 30 years it'd have to be removed it'd be like I mean you could put it on a radiator and let it dry out and then beat it

with a toffee hammer I got you that got you. That got you. The sock game. The ultimate race in a sock. Is there a Toffeehammer included? No, there's not.

Toffeehammer? What the fuck? Have you ever seen a Toffeehammer? Yes. We've never had one on the show. We have. I'm pretty sure we have. We fucking haven't.

I think in the very early days we had a toffee hammer. I never saw no toffee hammer on this show. I would have celebrated it. We have had a toffee hammer on this show before. I would have made a big deal about it and I would have remembered and I don't.

So it didn't happen. I will pause the episode right now to go through our earlier episodes on our website to find a picture of a toffee hammer. If that's what it's... Do it after the show. It's fine.

No. I could do it right now. Oh, I believe you. And take forever. I'd take me time and slowly go through every image on those early episodes could be anyone

between episode 14 and 100 it's not there I don't know do I it's not there I do know what period it's from I think it was when

we were recording in Southampton so there was no toffee hammer I think there was a toffee hammer I'm reasonably sure we have dealt with

a toffee hammer on our show I can imagine what a toffee hammer is that's what I've just realised it's a little tiny metal hammer it's a small hammer that you use to break up big bars of toffee hammer is that's what I've just realised it's a little tiny metal hammer it's a small hammer that you use to break up

big bars of toffee and spunk laden socks right dried out spunk laden socks now this in this game it's quite nice

it comes in a little kind of nice natural looking cardboard box it's all very kind of I quite like the design yeah I don't know what even what you'd call this design

but it's nice I mean there were pictures on our website it's using the natural colour of the cardboard yes and it's printed on top and you've on our website it's using the natural colour of the cardboard yes and it's printed on top

and you've got two little viewing windows in the shapes of socks yeah with perspex in and you can see the contents in there there are pictures

on our website just go to that I'm just giving him a little thing I'm doing a little thing for him so I'll tell you what the fundamental

idea of the game is you get two socks in the box right yeah and in those two socks you get a bag of tiny box right yeah and in those two socks you get a bag of tiny little random things and in this case it's like a chess piece a dice a tiddlywink there's a cork in there

a domino a car a scrabble tile a key ring a cuddly toy a marvelous good game red ball big ball lego block it's all there's a little bag big ball, Lego block. It's a little bag. Red ball, big ball, Lego block. Full of random stuff. But guess what? That could be one of those dances. Red ball, big ball, yellow block. And yes, and Blacklegs would write a song to go along with it. Staple those frazzles right on the cheb holes.

But not only do you get one bag of random stuff, you get two of identical. Identical random stuff. And the idea is you put these two bags in these two socks so they have identical contents when you fill them in the sock yeah then there's a wheel there's a spinner there's a spinner and what you do is you spin it it will tell you what to look for oh a pig oh we have to find it and then you have to reach into the sock find it as quick as you can first to find it now i need to figure out because that's the one thing how long do you get to look inside the sock well

it's whoever's wins the first oh okay so okay so it spins right yeah and then we both have to dive into a sock and the first person to pull out the eyes and wins that point that point yes so it's a race and what if you pick out pull out the wrong thing you go oh it's wrong and you put it back into the sock really yeah that's what it says you put it back in you don't lose points or anything no it's just the first person to pull it out but but you can only pull out one thing at a time. How do we announce we've pulled it out? Is there some kind of buzzer or something that we hit? You can raise it in the air and say,

how's that? Okay. And you'll play fair on this, will you? Yeah, because we'll see. All right. Because if it's in your hand and you put how's that up, then that's it. I can't contest that, can I?

You brandish it. And I can't change it because my hand's out of the way. It's a winning brandish. It's the winning brandish. It's the winning brandish. It's the winning brandish. Richard brandish. Hello, I'm Richard brandish. No, don't.

I'm a lovely bloke and I give to charity. I give to all the charities in the world. I'm a very nice guy. Hello, would you like some money, Eli? I give you some money. Give us a smile. I give you some money. Here's five pounds.

What a lovely smile. Would you like some more money? I'm Richard... Brandish. I can't even remember. Just get on with it. So, that's the game. That tells a tale about the quality of that character.

So, I think we should play it for a couple of rounds and see who gets the most after, let's say, five spins. This is how good you are at feeling things. Yes, because you have to reach into the sock and using your fingertip... Distinguishment. Distinguish between... And what I like is... Finger distinguishment. This is how good you are at feeling things. Yes, because you have to reach into the sock and using your fingertip. Distinguishment. Distinguish between... And what I like is...

Finger distinguishment. What I like about it is the items in here can be confused for one another, like a ball size and a little cube and a dice. So you don't know exactly. It's not too obvious. Now, Eli. Yes. That's the game.

I'm going to play five rounds of this and see who gets the most points. Okay. We can call them betwings, if you like. I don't think we should should we come up with a Gannon thing for points betwings

what about Gannon Grotz no I don't like that or Paul Points Paul Points has got something going for him I think it does

you want some Paul Points not Paul Points Paul Points you know where there's a Paul Point yeah when you whack me off

right that's better there's a Paul Point on Paul it's his whack me off. There's a pull point on Paul. It's his pad. He pulls me off and I gave him five points. There are pull points. So there is an option on here to personalise the game as well because the spinner has a few blank spots.

It goes along with the sort of do-it-yourself aesthetic they've chosen for the cardboard thing. It's sort of like modular, dare I say. They're the socks. They're two nice... What colour are those? Kind of peach. Turquoise and peach.

Peach and turquoise. Very long socks. In stripes. Yeah. You can see the photos of these. Quite nice texture. Can I have my sock now? Can I get ready with my sock?

Well, we have to fill the things... Can I load my sock myself? In a minute, yeah, we can. Can I do it in the other room? Yes. I mean, that sock, you would get years out of that. And because it's striped.

They are long. Because it's striped, you can maybe mark the years on the stripes. I spoffed in this in 1984. I spoffed in this in 1996. Oh, it's 2020, and I'm always up to the neck of it. Yeah, but what would happen? This is what I'm asking. What happens to it?

Does it dry? What does it turn into? Like a big, fabric-y glass of lead. Like rubber but what would happen? This is what I'm asking. What happens to it? Spills out the top. Does it dry? What does it turn into? Fabric-y glass of lead. Like rubber. Is it hard? Like amber. Smells clean, these. Okay. Very clean and nice, actually.

Factory fresh. I like that smell. Oh, it's quite nice. There's a lovely huff on these socks. But anyway, because there's a personalised spot on here,

I thought I'd bring something to put in that could be personalised. And this is a little Eli treat. I'd quite like to play the game without... No. This is the'd bring something to put in that could be personalised and this is a little Eli treat. I'd quite like to play the game without... No, this is the extra items I'm putting in and Eli can have these.

Oh, these are novelty rubbers. I think these come from Event to be honest from a package a long time ago. Thank you. I was just looking at

the latest Cheap Show magazine. Isn't it great? Wow. It's a fucking fantastic one and if you want to get your hands on one, there

are two ways to do it. Be a patron and you get a digital copy free or go to cheapmag.shop to order a physical copy of it there's simpsons versions of us on the cover designed by uh bill morrison who is a simpsons designer uh so these are miniature cup noodle erasers in the japanese style lovely things but they are different yeah two different uh flavors made up flavors i think there's one cup sumo there's a sumo in the bowl yeah i don i think there's one cup sumo there's a

sumo in the bowl yeah i don't think that's a real noodle and the other one is all in japanese lettering i can't you can put one in your sock i can put one in my sock and if it comes upon the blank spot we know it's to go for the uh pot noodle eraser yeah okay fair enough i think it's gonna yeah all right give me one of them then to put into the sock. You could unwrap it. Should we unwrap it? Yeah, but otherwise it's going to be very obvious which one this is.

How did you do that so easily? This is the thing with this game and I'm going to say this up front as well. I know you're at a disadvantage because, you know, I don't say it.

Because you've got fingers that look like boxer's ears. You've just got, oh, that's cool. Look, there's inside it, it's got a little lid

that comes off and it's, the rubber's inside. It's the little noodley rubber bit. Little noodley, that's great. There's a whole noodley rubber bit that's great there's a whole noodle block inside these things yeah and that's the rubber bit wow oh yeah the outside isn't actually for rubbing out no none of it's really for rubbing out no but it's a nice little

thing isn't it no you could use the lid for rubbing there could you right so that goes in my sock that's the first thing put it in your sock here Here's your bag of items then. Let's fill our socks, Eli. Alright. The noodle eraser from Yvain goes in first. And then I've got a ping pong ball going in. We should list them for everyone. Alright, let's list them. What have you got? That's a rook. I've got a ping pong ball and a rook.

Is that a rook? A chess piece. Big white ball. It's a ping pong ball. Little red ball. I have a hairband. Tiny little red ball. I have a hair band. Tiny little blue ball. With a metal clasp. Cork. Cork.

Domino. Mine one has four and four. There's elastic bands, Paul. You like elastic bands, don't you? I've got elastic bands. Yeah, yeah. Golf tee. Little wooden cut out foot. Toy car.

Domino. Did we mention that? Yeah, a little... I don't know what that is. It's a little sprocket. A little square sprocket. A little square sprocket of some sort. A gear.

A little black gear. A little piggy that's cut out. Cut out wooden piggy. Oh, yeah. I've got a good piggy too. Scrabble piece, which is funny because we've got a thing when we play Scrabble in my family where we say, you know when they're picking the letters at the beginning to see who goes first? We go, don't finger braille it. Oh. So we say, don't finger braille the letters at the beginning to see who goes first we go

don't finger braille it so we say don't finger braille it don't rub your thumb or finger on it so you can find the A and go first fuck that

but what we've realised is chest piece all braille is for fingers so it's a tautologist statement isn't it

guitar pick we wouldn't say don't finger braille that's like saying don't eye read yeah don't eye read you know what I mean? Oh, a rubber.

There's a little rubber in here. That's nice. Little white. Oh, shit. Little white rubber. Little key chain. Key ring, rather. Hairband.

Lego brick. Yeah, I said that. Springy boing boing. Oh, there's a poker chip. Yeah. There's a foot in the same style as the pig cut out of wood. Oh, there's the key chain that you saw. Little tiny wooden house.

There's a little cog rotator. Oh, what's this? This is a bolt. This is a tiny little flattened marble. I don't know what else to call that. Yeah, I don't know

what to call that. It's like a flattened marble. It's a semi-marble. It's like a little pellet of glass. What is this? Like a little glass pellet. Yeah, a little bead.

A little glass bead. A washer and a plastic washer. Oh, there's a piece of wood in the shape of a little house. There's an actual marble. A draft piece. Oh, I just got to that as well.

Oh, there's an eraser. Yeah, I said that. There's a real eraser. A little metal bracket. And finally for me, a dice, a die. Oh, and a little washer. And now I'm just shaking it up. Oh, and there's a smaller poker chip.

Yeah. Oh, that's what it is. A smaller poker chip. And then there's a plectrum. Did you say that? Yeah. I said guitar pick, though. Oh. Oh.

Rubber ball. Did you say that? Rubber ball, I can bounce it back to you. A piece of Lego. Did you say that? Oh, look, we get little pieces for the board as well, because the spinner's also got little footsteps on, which count as the steps.

So we'll count those as points there. Spring, did that yes we're playing catch up now i'm ready to go i've filled my sock i've got my sock full as well paul who spins first uh who's gonna be blue i'll be blue okay you be blue i'll be red first one to what you want to do first one best out of five to see who wins the game come on no we haven't got time for that fuck off you never want to do something properly minutes already and i just want to do something properly. It's 17 minutes already. And I just want to get on with diving into my sock and pulling out tricks. Not first to six. First to seven.

First to four. First to five. First to three. First to three. First to four. First to three is good. First to four. First to three.

Because four might end up being a draw or something. So first to three. First to three, my man. First to three. Okay. Hello, I'm Richard Brandish and I hope you both do very well. The winner will get £100 from me today.

That's such bollocks. Who's this cunt offering money? I already owe me a fiver, Richard Brandish. As if we'd ever see that. I'll write you a cheque before I leave. Don't you worry, sir. I'm a tip-top, tip-top man and I will look after you.

If you're ever in trouble, get in touch. I'll help you out financially. Why? What business are you in? Why am I always asking your characters what they do? I'm so rich that I just have too much money.

How did you get the richness from? Well, I... Where did you... Blood diamonds. Exactly. Fuck off. Right, so, the rule is

you can't start with your hand in the sock ready to go. You've got to have it... What? Every round, that's to begin with your hand out the sock. I'm watching you've got to have it. What? Every round, that's to begin with your hand out the sock. I'm watching you.

Look at that. He's got a bit of weight. As if it's his nuts. He's patting it as if it's his bollocks, everyone. In the bollock position. It's like having

a really knobbly nut. Oh, fuck off. So look, they're all on the bottom of my sock. You have to have that there and your hand just, you know, wherever,

but it just can't be in the sock. It's got to be, your hand has to go away from the sock. Yeah. Your version of the that there and your hand's just, you know, wherever, but it just can't be in the sock. It's got to be, your hand is away from the sock. Yeah. And also, your version of the game. And there's a red marker on the board

which says wrong hand. And if you spin on that, it means if you're a left-handed person, use your right. Okay, we're not doing that. Right-handed left, doesn't really matter.

Which one is it that I use? He's doing a wanking gesture. I think it's my right hand, isn't it? I'm a right-hand man. Are you ready to go? Do you want to spin first? Sure. I think it's my right hand, isn't it? I'm a right-hand man. Are you ready to go? Do you want to spin first? Sure.

Yeah, he's spinning it. What is it? Poker chip. Ready? Three, two, one. In you go. I'm going in. It's a big, long sock, and I'm rushing it around.

Where is it? You can't use both hands as well. Once your hand's in the sock, you can only use one. Go ahead. Oh, fuck. All right, that's one point to Eli. Did we take that out, Ben? Yeah. No, you put it back in, sock, you can only use one. Got it. Oh, fuck. All right, that's one point to Eli. Do we take that out, Ben? Yeah.

No, you put it back in. Because you might spin it again, mightn't you? Oh, shit. Spin it. Ready? I'll spin it. I've given it a big flick. And the answer is pig.

Three, two, one. It's going to be near the bottom, this one, because it's a little wooden thing, isn't it? So, there we go. Wait. Oh, no, don't pull it out yet. Don't you fucking do it. Oh, I had it too. You're shit at this.

Oh, no, that's A. That's the scuffle. You are shit at this. Yeah, you want to say something about my fingers? Do you know what it is? I'm at fucking disadvantage now. I need to take my watch off. Oh, bullshit.

The watch catches the sock. I don't want to hear it. All right, fine. And it prevents me from going right down the shaft. Can't get my hand right down the shaft. You want to say something about my hands and my ability now? You fucking cunts. Get that brandish back.

I want my money. Ready? Don't be cheating now. Have your hand away from the entrance. It is. Don't pull it back. My hand is away from the entrance, and I haven't pulled it back. Look, see?

I'm just lowering it so I can dive down into it. Come on, I get the sock right down, down into it. Okay, what is it? Glass pebble. Oh, it's that little thing we couldn't find out. It's the bead. Ready? Three, two, one, go.

God, this fucking sock's far as fuck. No, that's not it. Wait! Come on, you bastard. You bastard. Why are you going so down there? Got it. Fuck. I destroyed you.

I'm better at that than you are. I fucking had it and then it slipped out of my hand because the elastic band got wrapped around my fingers. Do you want to say something about my fingers? Do you want to say something about my fingers? Do you want to say something about my fingers? Yeah? Best out of six. No! Best of six!

Best first one to six. You're such a cunt! He moves it to three. I haven't got off the starting point yet. Is it my turn to flick? Yes. Yeah. Alright, here we go. Don't be fucking... Oh, it's the little, er...

cut noodle rubber. That I got. That's the mystery cut noodle rubber that I got. That's the mystery item. Three, two, one. I'm in. Got it. What the fuck? Seriously, what the fuck?

Why can't I get my hand down the sock? It takes me all the time to get down the sock. I have dexterity. I've got my brain working here. My fingers and my brain working over time. I'm just going to accept that I'm better at this. First to six. Get your hand out of there.

I find the hardest bit is just getting down into the sock. Don't panic then. Just get it in there. I get it in there. I go right down up in there. All right, it's my turn to flip. Yeah, it's your turn. And that is...

Marble. That's the small glass one. Go, fuck you. Got it. Let's see it come out. It's the small glass one. Go. Fuck you. Got it. Let's see it come out. It hasn't come out yet. Got it. Look how fucking close behind you.

Yeah. All right. This is going to get a little bit. I can feel the worm. You cheated there. The worm is turning. How did I cheat? Your hand was halfway in.

You didn't do a one, two, three. You're such a child. Fuck you. Here we go. No, fuck off. You didn't do a one, two, three. You're such a child. No, fuck off. Here we go. We're spinning it and it is rubber. The little square rubber. Get your hand away from the entrance of that song. I'll let you count. One,

three. And then two comes in after that. We did it in the wrong order. One. Oh no. It keeps bouncing around my fingers. Where is it? My fucking hand's knackered. Why can't I find it?

Where the fuck is that? Come on! Come on, Paul! It's quite tough on this. This is a tough one. Why? I thought this would be easy. Got it.

Oh, fucking hell. Five plays one. Let me just refill my sock. Can you do that next door, please? Wait, have you not... They fell out just now. Oh, all right. I was going to say.

Oh, you spilled a load of fucking shit. It came out. You've got to be ruthless with this shit, mate. No, you should... That's a forfeit. It's not a fucking forfeit. If they spill out, that's a forfeit. It's not a fucking forfeit.

No, that's a forfeit. Where is it written? That's a forfeit. It is not written anywhere. It's out of shape. You spilled them everywhere. It was in my hand. You just pulled them out

and it could have been any of them. I'm not playing anymore. I'm not playing you anymore. Back to four. No, it's five. I'm sorry, it's five, Paul. Just accept this. Stop trying to cheat.

You know what I've realised? This is really tiring on your hands. Have you noticed that? My hand is fucking aching. It's physical, Paul. It's physically mental. It's surprisingly physical. Right, you ready?

This could be a match winner for Eli. Is it your turn to spin or mine? God, my hand is tired as fuck. And it's spinning to... Tiddlywink! Three, two, one. This might be a tough one. Wait, is that it?

No. That's a draft. Where's this one? Where is it? Oh, God. I mean, it's very visual, this, by the way. But is that it? That's a draft. Where's this one? Where is it? Oh, God. I mean, it's very visual, this, by the way, but is that it? That's a button.

You can't use two hands, right? You can't use two hands. At all? No, I haven't been. I've been holding the sock with my other hand just so I can get purchased and letting it dangle. Yeah, all right, fine.

That's why it's been so fucking hard because I can't get to the bottom of the sock. Ah, God. Wait. Wait. Wait. I've got to use the bottom of the sock. Ah, God. Wait, wait, wait. I've got to use it to pull it out. I don't know what that is. That's not the tiddlywink.

Is it? Yes, it is. All right. Yay! All right, I've won. Thank you. Wait, no. Two plays five.

Back in the sock. We're seeing this to the bitter end because I'm a very poor loser. You certainly are. And an incredibly bad winner. Here we go. My turn to flick. Go on, flick it. What is it?

Domino. Hang on. This is where you win now. I know where this is going. So. Three, two, one. Fuck. No, you spill one. Fuck! No, you spill them.

That doesn't count. It doesn't count. It does not matter. It does. You spill them. It does not matter, Paul. I have never spilled a single one. You haven't got...

You only got two. You spilled it. Shut up. No, I'm serious. I'm not... That doesn't count. Except defeat. If you spill them everywhere,

that's cheating. Because you're just pulling it all out. It doesn't say that in the rules. It does. I'll read it right now. Pick a play from the thing. Do the first person. Only pull one object out of the sock at the time.

If you pull out the wrong object or more than one, return to the sock and keep searching. And each round, put them all back in the sock. So yeah, you're not meant to spill them all. So you've fucking cheated twice and I've let you have that. So I've won. Ladies and gentlemen, I've won on fairness just because I'm better

you're not I'm better at it than you just admit it I'm better at it than you just one thing yeah

there's lots of things people aren't good at Paul you know I've got many many flaws can't you just accept I've beaten you at that sock game

it's pointless but I'm just you're right let me have this time to tell you just accept I've beaten you at that sock game? It's pointless but I'm just You're right. Let me have this time to tell you that you're better than me at this, right? Don't have to tell me.

The proof is I've won the game. You are skilled at reaching into a sock and pulling out something special. You're really good at it. That's a fun game, that.

Isn't it? I actually really was enjoying that. But you don't need to... What? Sell any... All those items are real things. There's nothing... No, but imagine if the game would come without stuff.

It would have been harder to go, I've got to find two dominoes, I've got to find two balls. It's literally like, it's a starter pack for you to get going. And you can swap things out, I'd imagine, as well, if you wanted. And I thought...

It's funny what people market as games these days though something that is literally just something you could do at home with with household objects there's something strange about that i guess i guess that's true this is a game you could just play at home but maybe that's how it was started must be someone was like it really has the feel of something that someone's family used to do every year and then someone said oh you make this into a game because i remember mama and papa used to play exactly at Christmas. Doesn't it have that real feel of that? No.

But that's what I really like about it. That's what I really like. I like that kind of homemade feel to it. So the word you're looking for is yes, in agreement with what I said. No, you're right. What? You're funny with your little tics,

your little verbal tics. No, you're right. Yes, I'm right. Well, that was Ganon's game. So I want to clear that up. You fucking demolished me. You took me out into a field. I trounced you.

You got me on the ground. You gave me a shovel. You told me to dig my own grave. I sobbed, saying, please don't, please don't. I've got a family. Oh, please. I don't know what I did. Tell Big John I'll pay him. Big John's very angry. And then you said, sorry, we're past the point of fucking saying please don't please don't i've got a family oh please i don't know what i did tell big john

i'll pay him and he went very angry and then you said sorry we're past the point of apologies and then as i finished digging the hole i cried and cried until you told me to just close my mouth and shut up and then you shot me in there and put me in there and then you set fire to my body in the hole and then dug it over with the loose soil. Can I just add something? Yeah. You came in my mouth. Alright, maybe you shouldn't have. I just was going to say, not that. Wow. Big John, probably the laziest

made-up name for a gangster I've ever heard in my life. I'll do another one. You saw me at the poker table. You tapped me politely on the shoulder. You asked me to step away from the table. I went into the little back room with you and Big John and then you beat me with baseball bats until my hands and feet were smashed.

These are both scenes from the film Casino, aren't they? You're going to the film Casino, Brian. Alright, I'll do another one. Scorsese. You drag me out of my house. You take me into a shed at the back. You put my head in a vice and then you start to slowly turn. This is Goodfellas, isn't it? No, it's Casino. I don't know. Oh, God. I don't know. Is that the end of the show, then? vice and then you start to slowly turn this is good fellas isn't it no it's casino

I don't know oh god I don't know is that the end of the show then alright then you take me out of my house you put me in the back of a car you kiss me we put the radio on

and then we just cuddle what's playing fool if you think it's over and then we just cuddle for a bit and the rain comes down on the car we hear the pitter patter on the roof it's cold outside but the heating's on in the car.

And we're just all nice. Why has this turned into this weird extended fantasy? Because I just don't want this to end on me copping from a casino. I want people to leave this segment thinking, Ah, aren't they wizard chums? Just having a nice sort of date in the rain. In the rain, in a car, listening to Yacht Rock. Okay, fine.

And that's how we're ending this segment, in a place of love. And that's the end of that show for another week. Thank you for supporting us and listening and spreading the word, if you indeed do. If you'd like to help this podcast with a little bit of cash and support us that way, you can do go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show and there are just years of things there for you to explore. Including the magazine. Magazine.

Yeah. The video episode which we're about to film in a minute. Lovely, lovely. Extra podcasts. Behind the scenes stuff. Lovely, lovely. Lots of stuff there. Lovely, lovely. And also we can kind of half announce Cheap Show Live. The date is August 13, and the tickets will be on sale soon.

But we'll announce that on social media, and we'll make it official in next week's episode. All right? So just saying. But the Patreon people will get early access and a discount. So they will get the tickets for a lot cheaper. We'll officially announce it to Patreon hopefully this week. Very excited. And then internationally announce it in next week's show.

Big international announcement in next week's show, Paul. And it's at the Harrow Arts Centre in Harrow. In the heart of Harrow. In the heart of Harrow. And it's on August 13th, a Saturday. And it is going to be, we hope, a fantastic show. Lovely, lovely show. So that's that news, I guess.

Basically, for everything else, go to our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. Every episode has a page dedicated to it with pictures and sometimes videos. All the photos. Yeah, we've got videos of stuff we do with our channel and Digitizer. We've got our page for the PO box information. All the photos. Links to Tony's art so you can get merch and stuff like that lots of photos there uh events uh magazine shop it has a link

on that page as well it's all there thecheapshow.co.uk and we're on social on facebook and we're on instagram and all that stuff look for cheap show but twitter's where we're most chatty at the cheap show pod i'm at paulannon's show and Eli is Eli Snoid spelled E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D and is there anything else to mention at this point in the show? Are you still doing your Soho stuff? I am I was just about to say thanks Paul that will be this

Sunday at 2 on Soho Radio is the music show the House of Pickles sound show it's a fortnightly Sunday afternoon show isn't it? Because of various things I haven't been able to do the show the last three times. So this will be both the presenters back and I'll be spinning the sevens that I picked up in Florida. And if they miss an episode,

they can listen to it on the Soho Radio website, I'd imagine. They certainly can. Because they have a mixed cloud account or something, don't they? I don't know. I don't know. It's a bit complicated. We have our own blog page. And then you put the tracks up there and stuff as well.

Perhaps you could put a link to that. Yeah, I can. I'll put it on the information for this episode. Great. What else? Anything else? Anything else? No.

Anything else? No. We've done the Cheap Show. You can email us with the tales from the dance floor or shop floor or anything you really want by going to thecheapshowatgmail.com I just, I did overhear when I went to the loo

just now Yeah. that Grandpa Crinkle Toes he's a bit upset because he thought he was going to feature more. Yeah, but also Granny Crinkle Flaps

or whatever it is. Crinkle Crankle. Crinkle Crankle. I mean, I haven't got anything for her. I am bereft of inspiration. I'm not talking about Granny Crinkle Crankle.

In a podcast already low on genuine wit, I don't have anything for Granny. I am bereft of inspiration. I'm not talking about Granny Crinkle Crankles. In a podcast already low on genuine wit, I don't have anything for Granny. I'm not saying Granny. I'm talking about Grandad Crinkle Toes. Also, I don't know what you can bring to the show with Grandad. He can bring a lot of fungal scrapings from his toe. Is that really? I think you're going to get a lot of mileage out of a man with just banky feet.

You can't get any mileage out because it hurts his feet so much. There we go. go well we've somehow ended with what I would consider a gag so let's end with that take care until next week everyone

bye bye love you thanks for listening bye