CheapShow - Ep 278: Derek: The Final Chapter

Episode Date: April 22, 2022

After many years, it’s finally time to close the book on a very important part of CheapShow history. With massive thanks to Tom, the custodian of the Derek Files, we can, at long last, wade back into the weird, wonderful, and worrying world of Uncle Derek, the master storyteller behind The Brookside Tiger, The Bone Hoover and Irish Jimmy! For this obviously momentous occasion, we are joined by Tat Lord and all round “lovely chap” Stuart Ashen to absorb more of that red hot Derek action. It’s an episode packed with young love, tragic death, family pranks, olde timey motor cars, UFOs, exploding foxes and much, much more. The only question is, can you take this level of awesomeness and imagination? Why not join us for what is guaranteed to be a life changing moment, not just for CheapShow, but for every single person who listens. It’s the end of an era. With MASSIVE thanks to Tom James for helping find and clean up the Derek Audio We’ve tried our best to clean up these audio clips, but some sections may be of poor quality and may be hard to hear at times… That could be a blessing in disguise though! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-278-derek-the-final-chapter And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Tom James @TJ_Channel84 Stuart Ashen @ashens Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Oh, and you can NOW listen to Urinevision 2021 on Bandcamp... For Free! Enjoy! https://cheapshowpodcast.bandcamp.com/album/urinevision-2021-the-album MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop Www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Well, you're lucky that we're doing this with Stuart today. Why? Because you'll lamp me. No. Is that what it is? Is this a threat of violence because Stuart's here? No. I would just be playing up something rotten. Oh, he's on his good behaviour. Oh, he's on his good behaviour. Well then, at this point, it's worth mentioning that...

Oh, yeah. Don't, don't. My God, don't put it on the table. It's off. Yeah, but the banging... It could just live there. The banging is over. Anyway, fine. Are you reclined enough? Are you happy?

These chairs are dangerous. If you watched, like, one episode of a TV show while sitting in this chair, you wouldn't be getting up for the rest of the afternoon. No. It just destroys you. This is a coccyx killer, isn't it? It's one of these things that, if you can settle into the bad angle, you're never getting out of it.

Yeah, it's too comfortable. Hello, everybody. It's Cheap Show, and we have a very special episode for you, don't we, Mr. Silverman? I mean, really? That's it, really. That's it. That's how we're going to do this. I'm sorry, if you're too reclined to care... Start again. Start again.

How do you want me to start? Just like that, but don't say, don't do this whole rhetorical question asking, don't we? Like I'm some kind of child. I'm not your child, yeah? Hang on, I thought that was the dynamic. No, that is the dynamic. Don't we? Like I'm some kind of child. I'm not your child. Yeah? Hang on. I thought that was the dynamic. What's going on here? Don't. Listen. Both. I can't.

You're in between us both today. I'm like an Eli sandwich filling. So. Meaty. Eggy meat. Eggy meat? Yeah, you're an eggy meat filling of a Stuart and Gannon sandwich. Do you mean like a tube egg that goes down one of those pies? Jubilee pies, are they called?

A tube egg? Oh, yeah, where they get a load of eggs, and it's just sort of a long... It's a long tube of egg. Yeah. Why would anyone... You know, you go to the meat counter in a supermarket, say Sainsbury's, there are other supermarkets, obviously,

and you've got a slice... We could just talk about that. All right, Sainsbury's then, right? And you slice it. It's like a meat pie, and it's got egg going down the BBC. We could just talk about that. All right, Sainsbury's then. Right? And you slice it. It's like a meat pie. It's got egg going down the middle. Okay. Do you know what I'm talking about, Paul?

Do you think they'd sell you one of those long eggs? I would like one. You have to get them under the counter. Guys, I really want a long egg. Give me a long tube egg, mate. They got you the tube eggs, the good stuff. We only do it canned. We only have canned egg.

Canned egg? Yeah. That was Candy Heat's first name and then the record executive said to them, mate, eggs don't go down well with the hippies. So what do hippies go down with? Heat. They don't go down.

Well, they don't because they don't clean their muffs, Paul. I'm just going to be honest with you right now. Sweaty. Very sweaty muffs. A lot of odour. A lot of odour don't clean their muffs, Paul. I'm just going to be honest with you right now. Sweaty. Very sweaty muffs. A lot of odour. A lot of odour on those hippie muffs. Especially original hippies. I genuinely don't know.

Original homeless. This podcast already went off the rails. We haven't really started yet. Original hippie muff didn't have enough. I'll take your word for that. That's the worst catchphrase I've heard you say. Right, welcome to Cheap Show. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse.

People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap Show. to fucking accept. Cheap show. Off-brand, brand, off-brand, brand, off-brand. Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap. Cheap show.

It's the price of shite. Paul Gannon. Eli Silverman. Welcome to Cheap Show. And a go and a nuzzle. Yes, it is Cheap Show. I am Paul Gannon. It's the Economy Comedy Podcast. I'm with Eli Silverman. Hello there. Yes, nice to see you again.

And would you like to introduce our guest for this week? We have returning. Returning. Thrice time, Stuart Ashton, everybody. I think he's been on it more than thrice. Four times. How would he even go as far as to say? I don't know. He's like a tube egg going through our whole podcast.

Finally. He's great. I've tied it up now. I've tied the tube egg metaphor up. No, you just called our guest a row of eggs. It's not a row, it's a tube. I get called worse on a daily basis. So if you could pack him into a tube,

could you make just one long pole of tube? One long egg. What did I say? Pole of tube. That makes no sense. All right, we'll move on. Pole of tube. I want to see a pole of tube.

I think he presented Crystal Maze. I was going to go for that. I was going to go for that. Well done. Over the sword. Oh, I got it wrong. Over the hill with the swords of a thousand eggs. How are you then, Stuart? How are you doing, mate? I'm all right, cheers.

I'm tired. Everyone's bloody tired today. What is it? Is it something in the air? Yeah, yes. It is love. Love is in the air. And it is making us all weak. I've bought a bong. You bloody did as well. You're like a child. You buy a shiny thing and then you just go, oh, look what I've got. I've got

a shiny thing. What else is there in this world? Not everyone's buying things. I mean, there's romance. I don't have any of that. No. Do I? So what am I meant to do to enjoy my adult life, Paul? Buying things. That's the only option capitalism gives me, isn't it? Do you think smoking into oblivion is something worth sharing? Listen.

Listen. Listen. This is a recent trend with Eli, by the way, where he's 17 minutes ahead of every one of us and he's just laughing at his own random shit. I wasn't. I was just laughing for no reason. Must be all the dope I smoke.

Anyway. Oh, God. Cannabis has been rehabilitated as a therapeutic element in our world. Has it? Has it? Has it? And it's legal in a lot of places now. Maybe not here.

Maybe I should have gone down this route. But anyway, it's an ornamental bong. It's a rainbow bong. It is a very pretty bong, to be fair. And I thought the price was good.

You know, I'm looking on Amazon. I'm gouging bongs. Bong. I'm price gouging bongs. There used bong. I'm price gouging bongs. There used to be an off-license near where I live. Oh, here we go. Granddaddy Eli talks about the past.

Which is now called Drinker's Paradise, which is problematic. Oh, Christ. But it used to be called bongs. Anyway, we're here for a special reason. We're here for a special reason. The reason we've decided to come all the way to all Norwich, knickers off ready when I come home reference

oh yes we wanted to ask you about that Stuart have you ever taken your knickers off ready when I come home yes well you know have you heard of that

oh yeah he didn't believe me he thought I'd made it up no no that is totally a thing you do have to spell knickers with an N you have to let that drop

like the knickers well it is a silent K isn isn't it, in knickers? Yes. No one says knickers. Knickers. They'd be ejected from my bar. I'd have a sign. No pronouncing a silent K's in here.

Out. You can have knicky, and that's it. A knick rider. He's out. No, anyone who does it in any way is out. So if the word is spelt with a silent K, you're fundamentally against it? Pronouncing of it, yes.

So if I say K'night? I would say, you must leave my establishment. No, I don't care that you're a long-time customer and you always have two pints of mild. Fancy a knobble, K'nosh, K'nish. Do you know what I found out recently that blew my mind? I'll warn you, it's really boring, but I'm going to tell you anyway. No, go for it.

Until relatively recently, like a few hundred years ago, in the word sword, you pronounced the W. Yes, sword. Sword. Oh, that just dropped off over time. Yeah, apparently so. Oh, it was privatised. Oh, no, there's a technical description for what happens

when things become silent. Yeah? Yeah. Do you want to tell us what that is? I can't remember. Thanks for bringing that up. for what happens when things become silent. Yeah? Yeah. Do you want to tell us what that is? I can't remember. Thanks for bringing that up. Very much like the W in sword. It's fallen from use in my own brain.

Because you say swallow, don't you? You wouldn't say solo. No. It's just making you think. Do you think the rich took them all and they're just hoarding all these sounds for their own use? All these consonants and vowel sounds. They're in a van. A van? Yeah, fuck it, a van van yeah fuck it a van they're in a van it's an amazon van you go

around jeff bezos house and he's like whoa whoa whoa whoa see all that nobody else has got this i did actually watch a video about spelling in english and why it's so um just strange is this another video you've learned and all of that type of thing and that is because of the invention of the printing press sort of um concreted it my name Like the GHs and all of that type of thing. And that is because of the invention of the printing press, sort of concreted it. My name's Eli Selvman, and all my education comes from YouTube solely. And then I repeat it ad nauseum to people

who then correct me later on and make quite an embarrassment of myself in the process. Listen, I'm not dropping the Pac-Man ghost thing quite yet. Oh, no, no. I'd like you to. All listeners of Cheap Show. Both of you, if you're still there. Right.

No, the reason why I'm in Norwich today, for a very special reason, is that today we close the book on Derek. Mmm. That was weird. That was stereo. It was exactly the same length and everything. So in the past, we have tackled Derek before.

And the nice thing is, is that... Let me get my notes. I've made notes for this episode. For the listeners who haven't been with us for very long, Derek was a person

who recorded some stories for his... Family. Nephews. Is that right? I mean, just family in general. He tried to also flog them to newspapers

and readers' digest. Oh, I didn't know that. Tribe didn't get anywhere. Imagine readers' digest mental stories section. They would have gone, wouldn't they? Insanity, the best medicine. And he sent us... Well, initially it was the Brookside Tiger,

which kicked all of this off. The Brookside Tiger was the first tape we received. And it was a very disturbing story with a lot of extreme Freudian sexual undertones going on. There's an intro... First of all, all of these stories come from Tom, who has a channel called Channel 84 on YouTube. Derek is his uncle.

Yeah. Or step uncle or whatever it is. It's some kind of uncle adjacent family member. He's not a real uncle. He's got, I've got all these facts about him. Can we just have the facts then, Paul? All right. Well, here we go.

I want to know his status vis-a-vis uncle status. So I asked Tom if there were any bits of audio left because the audio that we've had in the facts then, Paul. Alright, well, here we go. I want to know his status vis-a-vis uncle status. I asked Tom if there were any bits of audio left, because the audio that we've had in the past has been... Can we please, can we just clear this up? Is he a step-uncle? What's his relation? He was on my father's side, one of six brothers. An uncle. Alright, okay.

What's his step-uncle business? Official uncle status certified. Certified. Stamp. He is the man from uncle. Yeah. Yes. So Tom sent us with the Brookside Tiger a while ago and it just, you know, it moved us in ways we didn't expect.

Interesting side note to that story that Tom has told me about since. So the story's about, effectively, what happens when you give a tiger Viagra, right? No, wrong. It is. You are utterly wrong. No, no, the tiger didn't have the Viagra. The tiger just saw the man's knob who a tiger Viagra, right? No, wrong. It is. You are utterly wrong. The tiger didn't have the Viagra.

The tiger just saw the man's knob who had the Viagra and had a heart attack. Can you not remember basic details? No. No, you can't. No, I can't. This is an established fact. Right, do you want me to summarise the Brookside Tiger?

Go for it. Tiger escapes, goes to a place where Derek lives, Brookside, from the TV show. Not the Brookside from TV show, just a place called Brookside. Not the place from the Brookside. Not the Scouse Cordy sack, no. No, okay. Tiger happens to walk past Derek's mate's house

when Derek's mate is experimenting with Viagra. Too much Viagra, as it turns out. Yeah. Tiger views mate's huge, distended, Viagra-affected erection. Just as he's having a heart attack

because he's had too much Viagra, female tiger has heart attack. The story. Tiger is helped back into a veterinary hospital of some sort.

No, I think... After having a huge heart attack, after witnessing, just witnessing for a window. Did it have a heart attack or was it just horribly,

horribly traumatised by it? I can't remember. It had some heart problems. Now, the interesting postscript to this is that after he did that story, he decided to send the recording to Pfizer themselves hoping that they would for some reason want to publish it or use it in some respect.

What? As you can imagine, he didn't hear back from Pfizer. Oh, this is a story about how our drug gives people heart attacks. And affects animals as well around who witness it. It's like, hello, Pfizer. I think you'll be interested in my story about your product and its effects on the animal kingdom. You know, it's not going to work. It's just not going to work.

So I think Disney's got an option on it though There was a vibe that Derek in some way, maybe subconsciously fancied tigers or associated femininity with big large cats No, I just think he thought it was funny He saw cat people too many times and messed them up I generally just think he thought it was funny to scare a tiger with a big cock

I think that's it He wasn't wrong It amused us, and then we had the bone hoover Very much the Empire Strikes Back of the trilogy. In the bone hoover. Do you want me to summarise this one? Yeah, go for it since you're so adept. When he was in the armed services, right?

Vaguely. He was going around Egypt or something. He was in Egypt after the war. Yeah. And he purchased a Hoover. Yes. One of these early... It wasn't a Hoover, in fact.

It was a vacuum cleaner. That was apparently like hundreds of years old. And it belonged to Ramesses II or something. Tutankhamen. That was something ridiculous. It had a plaque on it saying, here lies Tutankhamen in this Hoover. Anyway.

Something like that. He takes the Hoover. He brings it home., he brings it home, and he gives it to his home help. There's a woman who cleans his house, and he lets her use it. And then when his back's turned, the spirit of Tutankhamen sucks... No, there's no spirit.

It's just the hoover sucks her knickers off. That's kind of it. They are red, frilly red lace knickers. He makes an interesting point to highlight that particular feature. And she's a bit traumatised by that as well. A lot of traumatised females. And a lot of weird... I mean, these stories are meant to be for kids, by the way.

Weren't there mummified remains they found in the Hoover after? Yes, there were bones. That was a bone Hoover. It was Toot and Carmen's bones. He looked inside and it was like, Christ. Did he say there was a whole donkey in there or something? I mean, at this point, let's just say there was a donkey in it. Anyway, so that's the second one.

Then the third story was Irish Jimmy. Oh, God, yes. Irish Jimmy was very much the Return of the Jedi of this series in that it was disappointing. It's more Phantom Menace to me, that one. Well, it's disappointing and it contains a bit like, you know, a small person. It's a bit like an Ewok.

Jimmy's a bit like an Ewok, wasn't he? A small boy who dies. I can't remember the angle of that. It went on forever. It was terrible. He's working as a taxi driver and he takes this disabled child to school? Yeah. And it was basically a sort of vanity piece

showing what a caring person Derek was, that he cared for this. And he didn't realise they were Irish. Although the kid was called Jimmy. It was like Jimmy O'Malley or something after that. The thing was he saw all these bits and bobs, there's the Virgin Mary statue, and there's all this Catholic ephemera around

and so he sees all this Catholic stuff and doesn't think, oh, they must be Catholic. He thinks, oh, they're Irish. Yes, that's the association that I would have made as well.

What a genius he was. Very much the weakest of the three. A bit Jedi-ish, you're right. And then it starts, promisingly, but then just,

you know, doesn't go anywhere eventually, it tails off and Han Solo gets nothing to do with the bastard spot on the story. So here are the facts that Tom, thank you again, Tom, for sorting this all out. Here are the facts he's given us, just so we can get a rounded idea of the whole Derek saga. So the reason why these sound so awful, by and large, is that he recorded all the story on microcassette.

So, you know, those kind of dictaphone things. recorded all the story on microcassette. So, you know, those kind of dictaphone things. But to preserve them onto proper cassette, not microcassette, he held the speaker of the microcassette to a boombox and recorded it onto a cassette that way. He just held it on the mic on a boombox. Yeah. One of those built-in mics are never good.

So that's why a lot of it sounds atrocious. Now, some of the stuff we've got today sounds better, but the last story, although it's been cleaned up considerably by both myself tom and stewart's had a go with this um it's still a bit ropey but it's i think it's manageable it's nowhere near as bad as irish jimmy in quality and in content so then he goes on to say i have since spoken to my parents about derrick and they were happy to share the following information he was from my father's side one of six brothers my great-grandfather once told my dad Stephen stay away from Derek he's an idiot well hard to argue with that hard to argue with that Derek often believed that he was more intelligent than anybody else specifically estate agents he once he once ended

up selling his estate, his house in St. Albans for cash at what turned out to be 40% lower than the market asking price. And then he would often tell the parents, his parents, Tom's parents, that the stories he sent were all true events, including the Brookside Tiger. And the Bone Hoover.

You'd think people would have heard about that though. Yeah. That would be on That have heard about that, though. Yeah. That would be on That's Life, that kind of story. If the remains of an important pharaoh had been found inside a hoover. Inside a kind of multi-dimensional hoover that seems to have unlimited space. And is dirty and likes to suck maids' panties off. Yeah, we'd hear about that.

We'd hear about it. Yeah. And also, if a tiger could literally see a man's penis and suffer heart problems. I mean, the tiger would therefore have to know. It doesn't seem scientifically, you know, sort of true. Unless that tiger thought it was some kind of spear that was going to get chucked at it and it just panicked because nature meant. It was having flashbacks. Yeah, it thought it was being hunted.

Perhaps the penis looked like a male tiger rearing up or something. I feel we're writing things that weren't in the story there. We're probably improving things as Derek's lawyer now. Irish Jimmy could be true, couldn't it? Because it was just a sort of low-key story about him sort of driving a handicapped child around. I mean, of all the stories, that does have the most legs. Disabled. Do you know how to say handicapped, Eli? You fucking idiot.

You fucking idiot, Eli. Actually, go on this. Carry on with this self-debasement. I like it. How shit are you? I'm terrible. I'm fucking dirty. I'll do it to myself.

Grubby, dirty boy. I feel grubby inside today. You've got marshmallow on your lips as well. Disabled child. You've got tonics on your lips still. I should never have given him that ticket. Have I got dried tonic crust on my lips? Sorry, I'll just wipe it.

Okay, some more random facts. He did live in St. Albans. St. Albans. I can't speak. St. Albans is a really good idea for an album, though. St. Albans. St. Albans. He did live there and continually sent letters to local press with stories.

So there's, I mean, they're all binned, but I would like to imagine there's a drawer just full of stories he sent in. Oh, Derek file. Yeah. He believed in conspiracies, especially that estate agents were out to get him. And then he sold his house.

My grandfather, yeah, we've told that story. He was not a big built man. That's the fact. All right. Okay, Tom. He was slight. He's skinny. Fair enough.

Would you like to see what Derek looks like? Oh, yes. Because I actually have a picture. Shit, son. And you'll be able to see this picture on our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. Here we go. I'm going to pull it up now. Oh, I wasn't expecting this.

Proper visual Derek. This is going to be amazing. He looks a lot like you'd imagine him to look like. How would you think he looked before I show you? Just paint a picture. I'm thinking slightly rumpled looking man, grey hair, quite thin, although I've been just told he's slight, so that's definitely going to fit in now. Maybe wearing some sort of blazer.

You've done very well. Here we go, I'm going to show you. Here's the picture. Holy shit, that could not look more like my mental image of Derek. The only thing you were missing were the glasses, really. That's just exactly as he sounds. Isn't it? He does look exactly like that. And he's adopting a very sort of writerly

pose. If he ended up printing a book, that would be on the inside sleeve. But what is he writing? Like a funny little notebook? It looks like one of those Chick tracts you get in America with the weird sort of Christian stories on. It's that kind of format. I think it is checkbook. Yeah, it looks like he's writing a check.

To the state agency. Bless him though. He's a proper character. He says dropping his laptop. Did he ever marry? I don't know. That's a good point. Is there a Derek Jr. writing books to this day?

I'd like to think he didn't procreate. And I don't know if he was married. But, Tom, if you're listening, if you do have that information, we would like to know if he got his dick wet. Derek's dirty dick. Oh, Paul. Well, I'm sorry if you've never listened to Cheap Show before. When all else fails.

I haven't listened to it. I make it. Yeah? Yeah. I don't listen to what I make. I let other people sweep my leavings. Sweep your leavings? Yes.

Other people can sweep my leavings. So, today, to close up the saga of Derek, I asked Tom to go through and rescue what he could find. Now, as we've stated, a lot of the audio was bloody awful there's one story called the oh let me just find out the title exactly the whipsnade lion oh we've had a tiger now the lion now here's the thing you've also had this story because it's practically the fucking same the only difference is there are no erection deaths it's just basically about a lion that got loose and no one believed derrick because was apparently drunk. I think Derek really very much

associates large cats with a sort of sex energy. So it's like it's like, you know, the tiger it gets loose. It's like untrammeled female sex energy only brought to

task by the huge penis wand of a man who went too far. He extended his penis too far and it's killed a cat. Brian De Palma's on the phone. He wants the rights. Yeah, right. I don't know. I imagine he might have made a sticky mess watching Andrew Lloyd Webber's Cats as a result of that.

No one's made a sticky mess watching that. Ron Tom Tugger. Why do you think he's called Ron Tom Tugger? Because he's a big cat. Yeah? That's not a good explanation. Has anyone here seen Cats? Yes.

I have seen Cats, the recent one. I've got a Blu-ray in the office if you want to watch it later. Oh, you watched the film? Oh, yeah. It was very poor, apparently. It's unbelievable. I can't believe it was made.

And yet Derek came yards. Ropey yards. Ropey arcs of hot Derek droppings. I'm imagining poor Tom listening to this now. Sorry, I'm sorry. Derek drippings was not what he wanted to hear today I'm sure. I should point out to any followers of my stuff, this is not my Uncle Derek.

That was a different Uncle Derek. Action movie Uncle Derek was not story Uncle Derek. Stuart's Uncle Derek was much different Uncle Derek. Yes, we don't want to confuse... Action movie Uncle Derek was not story Uncle Derek. Stuart's Uncle Derek was much more into elephants. Yeah, he had an Uncle Derek. Oh, yeah, and he was odd as well. Oh. Yeah, he did nothing, basically,

but watch sort of action movies and action television. Never married or anything. That's not the worst, though. It's not like he was writing Tiger Erotica. No, that is true. He did, when he died, they took his coffin down the aisle of the church, well, it was the crematorium, to the theme from the A-Team. Now, to be fair, that's good.

It would be much better than, I don't know, Knight Rider. That was second choice, I imagine. Although a coffin that looked like Kit would be great. That would be amazing. Black with a little red logo. You could probably buy one of those beds they had in the 80s, the big plastic ones. Yeah, just stick Uncle in that. He'll fucking love it.

Yep. Stick a bin bag over the top. It'll be fine. My uncle always wanted to die and be buried in a race car bed. It was his big dream. So what we're going to do today is we're going to go through what Tom could rescue. We have four short clips, I believe, and one main feature today and the main feature is called the man from mars now that does not have an ending but we will see what we can create here

and i actually have the answer because tom asked his family if they can remember the ending and they all unanimously came up with this thing i have written down so the ending is known it is just not saved because apparently uh his dad got bored and wanted to take something off the radio so we lost the end of this story for the sake of match of the day probably or something. So, shall we dive in? Yes, fire away.

Let's begin. So here we are. We are at the end of this journey with Derek. I'm slightly sad that it's coming to an end, but all good things should. How are you feeling, Eli? Well, you know, I had a bit of a heavy weekend, so...

I like that green jacket you've got on. You look like Che Guevara. Green shirt. Yeah. You've got a kind of revolutionary look to you today. Well, I am. You should have a beret on. I do lean to the left.

Yeah, but you dress to the right that's not actually funny so we have some audio to get through because we're going to go for the shorter pieces right now um the first one is simply described as derrick explains how as kids they entertain themselves oh god this This is a reminiscent from Derek about what he used to do when he was a wee nipper growing up in, I think, the early 40s or 30s. So here we go. Going back to the 30s, King Harry Lane holds many memories for me. And the crossroads at the King Harry was an accident black spot in those days, especially on a Sunday, because that's

only when the wealthy brought their cars out. There were no traffic lights, only at the Peahen, where there were traffic lights, the first to be installed in Britain at the Peahen, but there were none at the King Harry. And collisions often occurred on a Sunday at the King Harry, where we used to stand and watch the traffic on a Sunday afternoon. And we used to sit on the grassy bank, and if we were lucky, and my parents could afford it, she used to walk across to the King Harry pub and buy us a glass of lemonade from one of these very large biscuits costing a penny each. And that was our special treat for the week, to sit on the bank watching

the traffic with a glass of lemonade in one hand and a very large biscuit in the other. And believe me, we felt like the cat's pants. Wonderful day out. He felt like the cat's clamps? The cat's pants. Oh, the cat's pants! I thought he said cat's clams. Either way. The cat's pants, man. He's had a fixation on cat

vagina his whole bloody life. I honestly thought the anecdote was going to be they would like to sit there at the crossroads and watch cars crash all day. I honestly thought I think that was going to be, they would like to sit there at the crossroads and watch cars crash over there. I was expecting that. There was definitely a subtext of that. You know, you watch the traffic and you kind of hope there's an accident, isn't there?

Yeah. Well, back then it would have been like there were no road safety rules or highway code or anything like that. No crumples owed any car either. Perhaps he could have invented like traffic lights by painting these huge biscuits red, green. Yes. Paint one biscuit green, one

biscuit red, one biscuit amber. Perhaps they are amber already. And hold them up. Stop! So you're saying Derek was the first ever traffic light? How large were these biscuits, man? They were very large. I don't know if you picked up on that. Very big biscuits. I think he means a rusk. I think he means a rusk.

I think he just meant a rusk biscuit. I reckon they weren't that big, but he was very small. Very subjective, a lot of this. The King Harry. What part of the world did he grow up in? Is it Albans? I think it's Albans around that place. It's got to be London, as if he's saying that nearby was the first

of a set of traffic lights, which I presume were in London. Yeah, it must have been, yeah. It's just kind of really sad. I mean, I get it. There were less things to do. They didn't have internet or video games. But I thought they might have come up with something better than sitting at the crossroads watching cars crash.

Potentially. That sounds pretty cool. Plus they had those old ridiculous cars making a lot of noise, like the Swiftmobile from Scandals. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. All the shitty bang-bang type stuff. Oh, yeah. That's the stuff.

That's Ivor the Engine. You always say that. It is true, because I always make the sound of Ivor the Engine. You always do. Yeah? Yeah. Grassy Bank, Grassy Knoll. Yeah.

JFK. What? You're saying Derek was on the Grassy Knoll now? He could have been. He has a look about him, doesn't he? Somebody check the Zapruder footage. Yeah, he's known as the Biscuit Man.

The Biscuit Lemonade Man. You've got Kevin Costner with the Zapruder footage and trying to pick up Derek in the background and go up and to the left, up and to the left. Enhance. The magic biscuit theory. There's just a pair of knickers with a cat's face on it. If you look carefully, you can see a man violating a tiger on the grassy dog.

Exactly, with a biscuit. The biscuit is very large. He had his own version of soggy biscuit. It was soggy cat vagina biscuit. Did he actually say we thought we were the cat's pan? Yes. I think so. There is a theme running through.

Isn't the phrase the cat's whiskers, though? Yes. I mean, I was prepared totally to write that off as coincidence. What have you got? The bee's knees. Bee's knees. Cat's pyjamas. Yeah, cat's pyjamas.

Oh, the cat's pyjamas. So maybe he meant that, but he sexualized it. Yeah, he's like, oh, the pyjamas. I would like the py the pajamas to be pulled down to reveal the cat's knickers frilly lacy i bet he thought cat's thong cat's pvc zip zip panties the cat's crotchless panties cat's crotchless chaps all right let's move on to the next one then okay so this one we have actually heard but only because we didn't expect to ever use it but this is a good one i think you'll like this one okay this one is

derek telling us the story of his first girlfriend i'm not gonna say any more than that but uh uh if Meow. Yeah, right. And her name was Mittens. Right, here we go. Going back to the 30s, I could remember my first girlfriend. I was about 14, and she used to work as a maid at Cleveland Poultry Farm. Out of interest, maids are a thing with their stories. The maid is who had her knickers sucked off by the bone hoover.

I'm just saying that there are things you can link on a massive conspiracy board. I don't think the board would be that big. It's basically pants, it's cats and knickers. Yes, maids, cats, knickers. Giant biscuits the size of the sun. I'm picturing my mind the ultimate Derek pornography

and it is a cat maybe a stuffed cat did he live to see the Fritz the Cat film with a French maid outfit on and red knickers

that's Fritz the Cat the movie isn't it yeah he must have loved that jettisoning arcs of hot sorry ropey yellow spunk.

Sorry. Back to the story. That's the episode title, right? God, I feel sorry for Tom and his family after all this. Here we go. They're going to have to hear us. That's true. Never listen to this, Tom.

Please, never listen to this. Here we go. By the Honeybird petrol station. And we were out walking around Note Lane. And it was a boiling hot day. It was in the 90s and I began to feel unwell. I became very, very hot and of course I had no money and at that time we had just moved to Selby Avenue and I faced a long walk home. I said goodbye to my girlfriend

and we parted at Cleveland Poultry Farm by the Hammingbird film station. I never saw her again. What? That's it. I don't... And there's still a little bit more to go, but what I don't understand is

she just dumped him because he was a bit ill. No, they just... He just didn't see her again. He just dumped him because he was a bit ill. No, they just, he just didn't see her again. She just disappeared. Does he know what a girlfriend is? I think he just met a girl once in the street and then never saw her again.

Yeah. You can really, because he worked as a taxi driver. Is that right? Later. This is like he's still a kid. Well,

you can see he's a, yes, but in this story you can see his, the way he remembers the names of every place. He's very good on place names, isn't he? Yes, because in this story, you can see the way he remembers the names of every place. He's very good on place names, isn't he? Yes, because I think the people did not exist,

so therefore he can call them anything he likes. And all the places. Hummingbird Petrol Station. Bizarre. Cleveland Poultry Farm. Yeah, they all sound like, I don't know, places from a Roald Dahl book. Yes. How I got home to Selby Avenue i don't know but i did and i

collapsed on entering the house the doctor was called and i was diagnosed as having scarlet fever i was put to bed two floors up in this large house in selby avenue i don't know if it's still there to this day but when the ambulance man came, I said, I think I can walk down the stairs to save you the trouble. And they insisted that I still stay on the stretcher. And with great difficulty, I got down two flights of stairs and into the waiting ambulance. Sadly, the poor ambulance driver, I can't recall his name, but a few hours later, he died of a heart attack. The strain was too much.

What? He's got a theme, right? Things dying of heart attacks. Animals, his mate who lived in Brookside, they just die. The strain is too much of what? Driving an ambulance? Of carrying him down the stairs. I think his implication. He's got guilt.

He feels guilty. He's got like whatever the Midas touch of death is. The Medusa touch. Yeah, he just walks through people's lives. Bizarre. I can't remember his name. No shit you can't remember his name. He was driving an ambulance.

I mean, there's no connection between you. Why would you remember the name? Why did you know he died? Well, you know what we do know is he lived in bloody Selby Avenue. He says that every other sentence. Selby Avenue, Selby Avenue, Selby Avenue. Here's a thought. Sadly, he died.

I would like to know if the house Derek lived in when he died is haunted by Derek. That would be amazing. Because that would be the most fantastic EVP recording to this tree. Perhaps we could hear, yeah, we could hear the end of the stories. Are you there, Derek? Have you brought the cat snickers? I was first here in 1933. On Selby Avenue.

I would like a giant biscuit. Does he have one of those blue plaques on the house? And it just says, for fuck's sake, on it. Yeah. Huge biscuit. All right. So scarlet fever was a thing, though, right? Oh, yeah.

And it was deadly. Oh, yeah. But what I found odd was, I mean, surely that was leading into he had sunstroke or heatstroke or something, not scarlet fever. Yeah, it's weird. He conflates the heat of his fever with the heat of the day. And it's all this, it's strange, isn't it? He says it was a really hot day. Maybe he was just, yeah. But then it's like, I'm hot. It's like, well, what are you trying to say? He's trying to say it was a hot day or that you had a fever, you had a temperature, you know?

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. It's all this weird, but I don't, I don't, there is a certain lack of intelligence there that is sort of, he tries to make up with this sort of well-spoken approach. Do you know what I mean?

And it's sort of like, it's, it's the construction. It's the sort of the glue of these stories that, that make you sort of doubt certain details. Yeah. You know? He's got this thing of

the internal world being all he really understands and nothing actually holds together when he tries to fit together a narrative externally yes it is it's funny because in many respects it's like he he has all these details in to serve a story that at the end of the day you go ah fuck off it's like why put all that effort in? How would you even know that the ambulance driver died of a heart attack from the strain of that? He came and told you. He went, hey, do you remember me? I'm the, you remember the ambulance owner?

Yeah, I'm just dying of a heart attack. Cheers. I just died, mate. That's stupid. What a stupid story. Yeah, you're right. Very stupid. Well spotted.

Right, next one. And this story. I want to hear more of his girlfriend. In a poultry farm. I don't think there is anymore. I don't think there is anymore. Is it a bit like she lived in Canada? Do you think it was like that?

Yeah, she lived in Cleveland Poultry Farm. She can't see you. She's scrubbing chicken shit off her hands all evening. I went to the Hummingbird petrol station. They said she'd moved away to another petrol station in a different town. It was like that. I never saw her again. I never saw her again. I never saw her before.

That's how it should be. Yeah, he doesn't say that she's left him. It's just like, I never saw her again. Right, next story. Can't be much of a relationship. Now, this is how Tom's put it, not me. But Tom says, Derek, in this story, is a cunt to his youngest brother. This is a strange one.

I've heard this one. Okay. Here we go. He was a tank driver, first class. He didn't see any war service. He went to India, and by the time he got to India, the war was over. And I often used to put his leg and say,

I got the Germans out of North Africa, Mick, and I got them out of Sicily and I got them out of Italy. And then I went to Normandy and I got them out of there. I said, there's nothing left for you to do now. And that's what I used to pull his leg about. There you go. I don't understand the point of that at all. Well, he's saying I was a better soldier.

I killed more Germans than you. I killed more Germans than you. He got the Germans. Derek didn't get a German out of everybody. Derek couldn't have got a German out of his spare room. No. Do we think that he's lying about his military service? Here's the thing.

I think his brother was the guy who got the bone hoover, judging by the story. Why? Because he went to India, so I'm guessing he maybe went further afield. What was India's involvement got the bone hoover, judging by the story. Why? Because he went to India, so I'm guessing he maybe went further afield. What was India's involvement in the Second World War? I know that Churchill starved them all, but... I actually don't know, but I presume they were kind of, like,

forced to fight for the Allied... Were they actually involved? Were they involved? Well, yes. They were obviously Indian regiments, weren't they, in the British Army who fought alongside. I don't know. But, yeah. Just saying, I'm a better soldier.

And it's funny, it's a very old-fashioned turn of phrase, to pull someone's leg about. You don't hear it that often, like, that way around, do you? If I was his brother... You'd say to someone, you're pulling my leg. But you wouldn't say, I pulled his leg about. You know what I mean? Maybe. But then I would also argue, if I was his brother,

I'd be like, yeah, but I got to go really nice India and it was warm there and I didn't have to do nothing and meanwhile you were fighting for your life in Europe so I win also I'm a tank driver first class and I daren't give you a rifle yeah I do wonder if like they were like okay Derek we're gonna give you a gun but it's got a squeaky thing on the end so you don't cause any damage to yourself or anyone around you six brothers so they're probably a lot of competitiveness in the family imagine oh yeah I'm trying to do the math he was like 14 or something in the late 30s so he was he was the right age to go to war in the second world war that's what I'm saying if he might have been like really kind of young like 18 19 when he went

could have been yeah so I'm not saying he didn't fight for this country, and I'm sure he did, and he's sure he did his thing, but I'm guaranteeing he was not the most popular part of his troop. You know, his brigade probably were like, fucking Derek, telling stories about fucking tigers in the trenches.

He's probably like, we need to move on this position. I'm at the zoo. Again? He'd be like 110 years old then if he was still alive. Ew. Yeah, probably. There's not much. He doesn't say when he was born and stuff like that or when he died.

He passed away in the early 2000s, late 1990s. Well, I don't know. This is another thing. Tom, you're going to have to fill us in on this, if you're still listening, Tom. One, did he have a wife? Two, did he have kids? Three, what was the question?

When did he die? I think we've answered these previously. Thank you. There was. That was mildly disturbing. I do this all the time. For the listeners, Paul just adjusted my mic in a tender way. In a tender way, a soft, gentle touch.

He lowered the mic to my mouth. Right. Last of the short stories now, and this one's called Derek Finds Something Beautiful. I wish there was more, you know? I know, but the sad thing is there is lots more, tons more. It's just unlistenable because of the audio quality. So unless anyone's got some fancy.

Well, perhaps an AI could be developed. Everyone says that. A voice recognition AI. What do you mean? I've literally run it through one. Oh. Yeah. It couldn't discern the voice from the noise.

I love the fact that our modern technology just took one listen of Derek and went, no, I can't help you at this point. I'm all out. I think the problem is if you can't make it out with human ears, you can't expect the computer to make it out. That's not fair. It's not fair to put the blame on the computer, is it? We'll just have to wait for the technological singularity to happen.

Yeah. I think it's due next Thursday, so we won't have to wait long. Yes, and they could actually, once that happens, the super intelligence... What, you think aliens are going to come down here and translate Derek Force? No, you don't listen, mate. This is like the fucking Pac-Man thing all over again, right? The technological singularity is not about aliens. It might be.

No, it's not! How do you think we got... It's clearly defined as a thing. How do you think we got Velcro? What are you talking about? Aliens gave us Velcro. Right. That may be the case, Paul.

Aliens gave us Velcro. But when I refer to... The fact gave Derek the clap and gave you Velcro. Right. That may be the case, Paul. Aliens gave us Velcro. But when I refer to the technology... The fact gave Derek the clap and gave you Velcro. Yeah. When I refer to the technological singularity, I'm referring to the point, the posited point in the future... Yeah.

...where AI starts to build itself and it reaches post-human levels of intelligence. Right. Superhuman levels of intelligence. And at that point, we can ask it to fix therapy. And it's nothing-human levels of intelligence. Right. Superhuman levels of intelligence. And at that point, we can ask it to take therapy. And it's nothing about fucking aliens, yes. Would it be an alien, though, if it became its own thing? No, it wouldn't be an alien, would it?

Why wouldn't it? It would be a super intelligent fucking AI. It might be an alien. Why would it be an AI if we built it? It's like that film Moonfall, isn't it, with the AI, and it becomes a big swarming mass and then lived in our moon. Nanobots, yes. You're talking about alien nanobots.

Totally different thing. No, it's AI in the thing, isn't it? And it got so intelligent it broke its little glass box. Yes, but it was alien AI. I'm so glad I haven't seen this film. I knew you watched it. I didn't know anything about it because of the media, frankly. It looks real shit. It looks real bad. But effectively it's about aliens who look like humans in another part of the galaxy creating AI

that becomes so clever that it destroys that planet and then comes to ours. That doesn't sound very clever. No. What I would like to see... It sounds clumsy. It doesn't like humanity. I'd like to see an AI who actually builds...

Derek. Yes, from all of the clips and everything we can get of Derek and we feed it into this machine. And then we've got a Derek and we could ask Derek questions. You could ask him questions. Like, what was your girlfriend's name? You liar. How many have died with your hands?

She was called Mrs. Cleveland Poultry Farm. We have reached the level where we could get a computer to bring back his voice, so to speak. Yeah. He has a very distinctive voice. It's not an unpleasant voice. No, it is. I would disagree.

If you heard any of these recordings in an abandoned house in the middle of the night it'd be creepy yeah it'd be horrible it is a bit vincent pricey actually and that's a register um he's very halting as well in the way he speaks isn't he uh yeah he takes as if he's making it up uh i i would argue it's not so much he's making making it up, but I think he's rolling the thought in his head just before it comes out. It's like, how do I lie about this? And what phrases do I use? I think he was intimidated by those biscuits.

They were just too large. I really hope there are letters and stories of Derek because that's a book, isn't it? The easiest book in the world. Diary of Derek. And who would you sell this book to? Whimsical comedy folk who like whimsical comedy stories about animals and death and knickers.

Well, I like books about knickers. Don't we all? I've got a three-volume set. Oh, here we go. What do you mean? What? What do you mean, here we go? I'm just describing some books I own to you. You've got a three-volume set. Oh, here we go. What do you mean? What? What do you mean, here we go? I'm just describing some books I own to you.

You've got a three-volume set on Auntie's Bloomers. No, it's called Knickers 1, Knickers 2, and Knickers 3. Oh, the Knickers triptych. It's the Knickers trilogy, and it's by John Underpants. So, in all your comedy improvisational skills, you thought you'd call three books Kn knickers one, two, three, written by Johnny Underpants. Yes, and I'm too reclined to be an effective comedy performer.

Published by Grundy House. Yeah. Undy. Undy House. Yeah. Grundys. Dirty Grundys. Slimy Grundys.

No, they're not slimy, Eli. Right, let's do this. Oh, my jelf, I tell you. Let's do this. They are on my shelf, I tell you. Let's do this last story. It's Derek finds something beautiful. God knows what it is. It's probably a biscuit. This is the last of the short pieces.

I'll strap myself into this one. There we go, there we go. Anyway, I set off for Watford, and just before I got to the Three Hammers, I saw this huge black object in the road. I couldn't make out what it was. There was no other traffic about at all. It had just gone midnight, about 25 to 1, I think it was.

I pulled up. I went to investigate. And lo and behold, what did I find? A huge bass drum wrapped in a black cover. Hardly damaged. Beautiful thing. I'd never seen one close like that before. Anyway, I put it in the back and I couldn't close the boot because it was so big. I collected my passengers at the dance.

I bought them St Albans. Collected my fare. And then on the way back to Victoria Street, my home, I took the drum into St Albans Police Station and I said, I've just found this along Watford Road. Yes. They said, what time was this Mr James? And I told them. They took four particulars and on Tuesday morning I went into the police station I inquired about the drum that I found they said oh yes Mr. James

it has been claimed they have collected it it belonged to a dance band not even a word of thanks for returning a beautiful drum which I could have disposed of and got a lot of money but of course that would not be right I couldn't do that but I was honest but not even a word of thanks I often wonder who that drum belonged to I wonder if the owner is alive today. If he is, would you ask

him to say thank you very much for returning my very beautiful bass drum? It's not yours! Oh my! He's still bitter about that 900 years on. I'll tell him.

Yeah, I will tell him, Derek. Oh, I've got him. I know him. I know who you mean. Oi, Kent Basie. Say thanks to Derek. Oi, I will tell him, Derek. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I've got him. Oh, no, I know him. Oh, no, you mean. Oi, Kent Basie. Yeah. Say thanks to Derek. Oi, Keith Moon. I don't understand. It's John Bonham's drum.

I don't understand why that bugged him so much. Not a word of thanks. Of course. Look, they don't know who he is. The police aren't going to say, Oh, your drum was found by Mr. Derek James of Selby Street. Are they? And they're not going to tell us.

We've got information from the police. We'd like to send you a card and invite you to our next dance. Again, it just demonstrates what I was talking about before, the sort of logical glue that, you know, of these stories just doesn't quite fit. I mean, I believe that story. I think he was very self... He certainly found a drum, yeah. Also, he seems to

think that drums are some sort of beautiful, almost extra-dimensional artefact. A drum? Yes, I've never seen one. It's the most beautiful of all things. Oh,

I was so close to the drum, I was trembling. I touched it with my hand. Oh, it was a drum. It was a musical instrument. Other question, you're a band,

you've got, you know, all your equipment in the van, the bass drum's quite big. You'd hear it fall off the back of a truck. You'd hear it fall out

and you'd probably know your route to go back and look for it. Not aware of the thanks. The bass drum's quite big. You'd hear it fall off the back of a truck. You'd hear it fall out and you'd probably know your route to go back and look for it. Not aware of the thanks. So here's what I think. I think he just nicked it out the back of their van. I just think he nicked it.

Then felt bad about it. Then gave it to the police as some kind of elongated con to get, I don't know, a thank you from a stranger. I don't know. He wants to be seen as a good person and he wants to be seen as a good person

and he wants to be praised, doesn't he? That's also a theme. He wants validation. In fact, I would argue most of his stories are about that. And the Jimmy story, the Irish Jimmy story has a lot of that. He's playing this sort of white saviour

sort of role in that, isn't he? He's sort of like saying, I want... Do you think he's like, in some respect, he's like a small town Forrest Gump? You know, in his own world, he's the centre of all these weird stories where he grew up and he therefore expects to be

a more mythological figure. I think he feels underappreciated. Yes. There's definitely that there. Yeah. And I like all the detail about being a taxi driver in that one as well. It's all this stuff.

Watford is quite near St Albans, isn't it? And he's driving back and forth and he drops them off at the dance. Oh, he's a taxi driver in that one as well. It's all this stuff. Watford is quite near St Albans, isn't it? And he's driving back and forth and he drops them off at the dance. Oh, he's a taxi driver in that story. Yeah, that's what he's doing. Oh, I missed that bit. I was too busy thinking about cat fucking. You got the subtext. One thing that one lacked was any cat vagina subtext.

Shame. Four out of five. Let's hope there's some in the long piece coming up. Well, it is time now to take a little quick break and then we will come back for the very final Derek story. We don't know what it's like. It might be a I mean, I'll be honest, right now

Tom said it's a massive anti-climax. Big surprise there. That's a perfect ending for Derek. When you say quick break, you mean Well, I was going to have a cigarette and a wee. Yeah, a break for us, but for the listener, it'll be almost immediate, won't it? How do you get a Squarespace sponsorship or something?

Yeah, I'll put a sponsorship ad in now for a company that doesn't exist. Well, I'll do it if you want. I'll make one up. This episode's been sponsored by Flagellies. Oh, no, no, I'll make it up. I've got one that will fit. Do you like knickers? Do you like reading about knickers? I'm John Grundy and I've written a three-piece monograph about knickers. There's knickers one, knickers two, and knickers three, the Grundetaker.

If you buy right now, you can use this discount code. Go on, the Grundetaker, guys. No, I'm actually going to right now say no and move on.. Come on, the Grundertaker, guys. No, I'm actually going to right now say no and move on. Yeah, I like the Grundertaker. Yeah, come on.

I reckon the police sold the drum. Just throwing that out there. Oh, well, yes, I reckon at this point they started a band. I reckon he went in on the Tuesday

and he went, what about the drum? Yeah, no, it's been claimed. It's been sold to me. And he's like, really, has it? Did they thank me?

Did they thank me? Did they get down their fucking knees and thank me? Did they thank me? Did they get down their fucking knees and thank me? I'm the best cab driver ever! Did they give me a cat with knickers on? Do you think the police

see him like Corey Feldman in Gremlins? Where it's just like every time he comes in there's a new lie. They're just like, oh, fucking Derek's here. Fucking Derek.

What is it today? Someone fucked a cat, did they, Derek? Yeah. Our superintendent, if you could come down here, we've got Derek down here. Fucking Derek. What is it today? Someone fucked a cat, did they, Derek? Yeah. Our superintendent, if you could come down here, we've got Derek down here. Hello, police detective. Did anyone thank me for anything I've found? Or have you got any giant

biscuits? Yes, Derek. The hot lips said to say thank you to you for looking after their bin. Oh, and also, Derek, the superintendent you talked to, he's dead. He died of a heart attack.

It was a strain. He had a stroke. It was the strain of carrying the drum around because it was fucking huge. I think it was made of biscuits. Right, now it's time for a break. All right.

Right, we've taken our sabbatical and now we're back to end the chapter once and for all on Derek. Yay! Yay! Yay! So, all I can tell you is that this does not have an ending. As I say before, we lost that

due to a much more important radio programme Tom's dad wanted to record. I used to have that problem. What? Tom's dad wiping over stuff. I had tapes with stuff on and then my siblings would record over it.

My brother taped over my Games Master appearance for a FA Cup final in Liverpool. What an absolute bellend. Sorry. And he did it on purpose

as well. Did he? Just for the record. Just because and this is before the YouTubes and the internet where you couldn't just find it.

It was like for me that was gone forever. Well sometimes you can't find things. I mean there's only one surviving episode of of you know number 73 no there's loads on there just not whole oh there's little bits there's bits and half of shows and the back ends and the front ends and there's one or two full ones but yeah no don't they didn't they tape it well no the only reason you're going to catch it is if someone taped it off tv in the

morning and then decided years later to upload it somehow to the internet. But don't they have a policy of taping everything? Even if they did, half some of them go missing or they get wiped like in that big BBC

we'll wipe all our Doctor Who's thing. And think about it, number 73 and all those shows were built to be ephemeral. No one thought they'd have to watch them again ever. Yeah, well. Like newspapers.

I wouldn't want to watch them. I'm glad they didn't tape it. Now you're just being spiteful. Fucking shit. Stupid. The last time Sandy Toksvig did not run over your cat. Yes.

Is that the reason why you've just got to think about Sandy Toksvig you won't go into now? I like Toksvig. How much? Enough to wank over it. Oh, that wasn't what

I was suggesting and you're a dirty boy. Dirty boy wanking over Toxvig. Shall we do this bit again? Here's my new podcast next year, Tugging Over Toxvig, where we review

the work of Sandy Toxvig and decide if it's worth pulling your pud over. The answer is always yes. Toxvig. Toxvig. Is it Toxvig? It's Toxvig, isn't it?

Toxvig, yeah. Toxic Toxvig. I'll be honest though, I think I've said this before, but I did fancy her when she was Ethel on the 70s. Yeah, that's what I meant. She was a bit tasty, yeah. Right, moving on.

It is time to start this last story off. So here we go with... My grandad liked Vorderman. Oh, I like Vorderman. Who doesn't? Michaela Strachan. I'm just going to let him dig this hole up. Michaela Strachan doesn't like Vorderman who doesn't Michaela Strachan I'm just going to let him dig this hole Michaela Strachan doesn't like Vorderman

the controversial yeah there he is alright what about Wincy Willis who's Wincy Willis she was the weather lady oh I don't mess with that you don't mess with

meteorologists no why they're very changeable you know what we're ending the podcast now on that high before we blow it all.

Unsettled. Right, are we ready for the last story? It is Derek. I apologise, everyone. Telling the man from Mars. This is our feature presentation. Okay. So let's begin.

I would like to take you back to 1932 when my two younger brothers, Tony and Mick, and myself, were in a half-a-kid cornfield, Blackberry. We had been helping with the harvest, and it was a boiling hot day. In fact, it had been a boiling hot summer right the way through.

If you're playing along with your Derek bingo, hot days are also a hot day, I've noticed as well. He just had scarlet fever again. Yeah, made up verbs. So Blackberry, him and his brother are picking berries on a hot day. Yeah? That's what we've gotten so far.

Because, again, this is the recording that has the worst quality. So it might be worth every now and then just pausing and recapping what we think has happened. Also in the 30s. A lot of these stories are from the 30s. Oh, well, you know, he was a young boy then. And the brothers are Terry and Mick? Yeah. Yeah. I get the 30s. A lot of these stories are from the 30s. Oh, well, you know, he was a young boy then.

And the brothers are Terry and Mick. Yeah. Yeah. I get the impression that everything happened to him between the years of 1938 and 1960 and then everything after that has been just him writing shit.

Yeah. We've been helping the farmer and we had his permission to select that bird in the field when it was just now stubble. We had a jam gallery, use of procedure, and we knew where the best bushes were to get the bat modes. On this particular morning, all that harvest had been gathered in,

and I'd been led to school two years. I was working for a local market gardener along Watford Road named Brown. Tony and Nick were still at school. Prior past school. Old London Road. To North. Again, with pointing out

the addresses. He loves it. It's the taxi driver in him. It's the taxi driver. He's adding detail where you don't need it. We don't need to know they're still in school.

London Road. It's a bit like Tolkien, isn't it, with all the little details of where every bloody blade of grass comes from. But very little characterisation. Yeah, it is like Lord of the Rings in that I'm finding this interminable to sit through.

Oh, there's a lit name. We heard a high line in the sky. We couldn't make it, but I sent to Tony. Whatever's that, we looked skyward and we could see nothing. We went on without that million.

As the morning went on, the noise became louder. We looked up again. We did see something this time. It was a silver door in the sky. And we watched it. It was getting nearer and nearer and nearer. My youngest brother, Mick, he started to cry. He said, I'm going to run home. Why does that tickle you so much?

It's like... There's a bit of characterisation. He hates his younger brother so much that it's like, I've seen a ball of light in the sky. A silver ball. A silver ball. And quite rightly,

his brother went, oh, I don't like this, I'm going home. And it just felt silly. No, he said, yeah, I'm going to go home. He cried as well. He's sort of saying

his brother's a little wimp. A wimp, yeah. A crybaby. He's probably like four or something. Yeah, poor booger. He's been forced to pick berries on a hot day.

In a jam jar. I mean, how many berries can you get in a jam jar? Not many. Yeah, poor booger. He's been forced to pick berries on a hot day. In a jam jar. I mean, how many berries can you get in a jam jar? Not many. Depends on the berry. What did he say? He was working for a farmer. Yeah. Well, they still do that now.

Pick your own berries and harvest. No, he said, I've got a job as a farmer, but we're also working for a farm. In the summer, yeah. It was a summer job. It's not a job. No. It's not clear. Well, maybe they just like berries and they're picking in the farmers.

Yeah, they got the permission of the farmer to get the berries and fill a jam jar full of them. These aren't the details I think we need to focus on. We're all good with that. There's going to be a Martian. Yeah, I'm looking forward to the Martian. All right, here we go. Come on, let's get to the fireworks factory. I beg you to notice it.

You stay where you are. And pick up each other back there in the vestal. As the synonymous silver came down, it looked like two sources joined together. It was silver in colour and it was massive. The noise was deafening. And lo and behold, it landed in the very field in which we were picking blackberries.

I've never seen anything like it in my life. The whole ground shook. The birds were flying everywhere. They were hitting the ground very gently. All of a sudden, wake up in place. Immediately, the engines cut out and jets of steam shot out all the way around the machine, pitching out the fire immediately. We watched in terror. We wondered what was going to happen next. We'd never seen anything like it before.

Right. Something I would like a follow-up question on, which obviously we can't ask, is the noise was deafening. What was the noise like? There's no description of what the noise was. He does say wine, a wine. He does say the noise was deafening. What was the noise like? There's no description of what the noise was. He does say wine. A wine. Oh, okay. I missed the wine.

Because if you remember, the first time I would like to hear Derek do an impression of the noise. Yeah, that would have been good. The first time, they hear the wine and then they look up and there's nothing there and then the second time they hear it again and then they see the ball. No, it's a saucer. He said it was two saucers put together and then it landed in and there's nothing there and then the second time they hear it again and then they see the ball. No, it's a saucer. He said it was two saucers put together

and then it landed in the field and started a fire and then it put the fire out. Yeah, what kind of design is on this bloody spaceship? Hey, they cause problems, they fix it. Auxiliary fire extinguishers for when they burn the ground. If you want an interesting aside, because, you know, this story might be fake, right? No. But the first reports of, because, you know, this story might be fake, right? No.

But the first reports of, like, classic UFOs weren't until the mid to late 50s. And so he's saying he saw a UFO in the 30s, which would have made this a very unique experience and would have made him actually very famous if he just told the story at the time. Yes. I doubt it because people would have just realised it was bollocks. Yeah, because he would have been like that kid in Gremlins, where it was like, what is it now? Yeah.

Monsters that come to life, is it, this time? Is it all that stuff? What's the noise? I don't know, wine or something. Yeah. Anyway, my brother was scared, so I told him to shut up before I brutally concussed him. What was it?

Stay where you are. Stay exactly where you are. Yeah, we're about to meet aliens, but carry on picking berries for the sake of the summer jobs. Carry on picking the berries. The aliens won't want the berries. No, they won't. The noise was deadly.

The whole countryside shook. When hinges were switched off, there wasn't a sound. For a good ten minutes, nothing happened. And then, from the centre, came a large pole, which went up in a half circle from the centre, right down to the edge of the machine. And it had rails hanging from it.

The saucer's got a hard-on. It saw some knickers on a cat. A space cat. The saucer's got a stripper pole. Is that what we're hearing? Very strange. It's a very strange description, is it? I'm not quite sure what he's describing here.

A pole? Because the thing's landed. So did the pole? I mean, it might have tripod legs, so maybe the pole's come out from the strip. He didn't describe that, did he? He's too busy telling people where his fucking brothers live during the summer holidays to go into any true detail, isn't he? Nothing happened for ten minutes, he said there.

Rather like this story. The great thing is, it shows that the story might be true because obviously if nothing had happened for ten minutes you just wouldn't mention it, would you? So there's a bit of truth there, I think, with that little fever. That is the truth. That's what actually happened. Nothing happened. They got sunstroke and then the ambulance man died doing it.

But it was scarlet fever. It was a handrail leading down from the craft to the ground. I'd rather deny we'd never said anything. We just stood and waited. We were all very, very frightened. Very frightened. After about five minutes, this huge figure appeared. He must have been at least nine feet tall,

completely clad in silver. We couldn't tell whether it was a silver skin or silver uniform or what. He had a large pointed head with slanting eyes, hardly any nose, and just a small slit in his face for a mouth. There were ears, but very, very small. And he lived at number 42. He lived at Speyside Avenue.

Again, this is all stuff, though, based on Grey's. That he's got from films. That he's got from films. But it's fascinating because he's saying that this is like the progenitor of contact to this our world and theirs

it's that scene it's that really famous 50s sci-fi movie the day the earth stood still yeah where the big robot guy

comes out yeah yeah that's where that comes from right yeah he's silver

he's nine foot tall is it yeah at least and he needs a handrail to get out of his ship. He's another churler.

The strain on the bones would be very bad. He's probably going to have a heart attack. Who's the tallest man who ever lived? That Robert guy. Oh. And maybe our gravity has a more... He had lots of problems, didn't he, with his bones and stuff. Yeah, I reckon gravity's getting to his pointed head and his slanted eyes

and his giant pointed hands. What does pointed hands mean? He does finger guns. He came out of the space of doing this. Hey, how you doing? I like your brother. You fucked my wife? I don't know.

I don't know why he's all of a sudden an Italian mafioso. He needs a handrail because he's so big and ungainly. He had hardly a nose and a slit for a mouth. So I'd like to see where this goes. Will he have a metallic voice? We haven't heard how long his legs are, if he's got big boots yet.

So we'll get a bit of that first. He might be eight foot worth of leg, and then just one foot of head, torso, arms and everything. We don't know. He's got a pointy head, like the pinheads. Yeah, like coneheads. Oh, the coneheads. Oh, my God.

Maybe he's a big fan of Dan Aykroyd's work. You don't know. Let's find out. At his feet were methods. He slowly stood on the platform that had come out of the machine earlier and surveyed the surroundings. He looked in our direction. He was carrying around his shoulder what we could see with a neck

bag as far as we could see some distance away. He started to walk down the ramp and then as he reached terra firma he took it down and touched the soil. We were absolutely

terrified. Fair. But we absolutely terrified. Fair. But we carried on picking berries. Oh, he's fucking up all over the place, Derek. The platform, which had come out, forgot to mention that, when the poll came out. Yeah, didn't get the details right there. I was talking about the cat. The ramp.

Yeah. Nick was still crying quietly, and we were all cruelly with fright. As he came towards us, a fox broke cover on the left and ran towards the machine. From his belt, he drew an L-shaped instrument. I couldn't tell what it was, but he pointed it at the fox. And the fox disappeared

in a ball of smoke. So now he's got a problem with fucking foxes. Yeah. They're not cats, are they? No. A ball of smoke. Yeah.

You're looking for the word puff. So this alien comes down. This alien comes down, the first thing it decides to do is shoot a fox. Is shoot a fox. Ooh, there's a fox. I've got my fox shooter here.

Maybe he's a traditional... Can't use this at home. Traditional Tory voting alien. It's an alien with traditional values. The least believable bit of this story so far is that a fox ran towards a terrifying, noisy silver spaceship. I'm more surprised that he didn't just off those three kids as well while he was there, since he was in the mood.

Oh, he hasn't got the kid killer. That's a different letter L. L-shaped instrument. I didn't know what it was. as well while he was there, since he was in the mood. Oh, he hasn't got the kid killer. That's a different letter L. L-shaped instrument. I didn't know what it was. We all know what it is, Derek. It's a gun. You know what I mean? You're broadcasting that.

He's all like, oh, and there was a pole that turned out to be a handrail. And, you know, it's like L-shaped instrument. It's a gun. And it's like, you know. No, it might have been a set square, to be fair. Yeah. So he could measure. He measured the fox's leg angle.

Yeah, let's move on. And in seconds, all that was left of the fox was just a very small thing, a small thing on the ground in the stubble. He completely disappeared. He came towards us and, in the stubble. He completely disappeared. He came towards us and, in a voice we'd never heard of before, he spoke to us. He said, please, do not be frightened.

I'm sorry. He speaks English. No, no, no. If you're a kid and you just saw a strange alien kill a fox for no reason, then he went, don't be frightened. I'm not going to trust him. No. Yeah.

No. And also, yeah, don't be frightened. I would have said something long before I'd killed the fox. Don't be frightened. Oh, there's a fox. Bang. What's the fox going to do to his bloody spaceship anyway? Nothing.

Nick it. Like the fantastic Mr. Fox. It's going to go up into space and have adventures. And that whole thing there, it's like there was nothing left apart from a small mound of something. Maybe this is the birth of Lilac Wars. The fox got on the spaceship and turned into Star Fox. Star Fox?

Yeah. This is the birth of Star Fox. Maybe it's the best plan I've got. I've just realised that Derek is less impressed with the alien spaceship and the alien than he was with the drum. Yes. Oh, it's a lovely spaceship. Oh, that drum.

The drum is huge. It can be huge. And it had a black covering. I nearly touched it with my hands, but I didn't think I was worthy. Not a word of thanks. I've recovered the most important artefact in human history. I do wonder if he's going to start bitching to the alien

about not thanking him for something. I reckon the alien will thank him. Yeah. I reckon he'll help the alien. The alien will be like, oh, Derek, you're the greatest in the universe, Derek. You're such a great human. You know where all my addresses are.

So what you're saying is this is the last starfighter. Death blossom. Go for it. I have not come here to harm you. Please relax. Anyway, he wanted to know who we were, what our names were, how old we were,

what school we went to. Why would he want to know that? He's very well versed in Earth customs, isn't he? Oh, my word, that is funny. I honestly didn't expect him to do that, but in the back of my head, I said, he's not going to ask him where his address is or anything like that. Yeah, it's like, where he lives, I know, obviously,

all the addresses, where he lives, Speyside, London Road. But they hadn't invented postcodes then. No, we hadn't. We didn't need them. We didn't need them. We used to just know where our post went back then. It was very difficult to understand his speech. I'd never heard anything like it.

In the neck bag around his shoulder, he'd got three, well, I could say, three small miniature trunks in gold. Miniature what? Trunks? He has a bag around his neck, and in that bag he has three tiny golden trunks. Okay.

And not swimsuits. I mean like little... Oh, I see. Please put these trunks on. He said, my brother's willy was so small. The alien took out a camera

and asked us to do weird photographs on the bonnet of his spaceship. How old are you? Come on. He's an alien nonce. Fuck me. Please don't let it be this ending. Please, Derek. Oh, God. of his spaceship. How old are you? Come on, he's an alien nods. Fuck me.

Please don't let it be this ending. Please, Derek. Oh God. He means trunks as in little treasure troves. Little treasure, yeah. With all the Nicker talk previously,

I was just thinking you just don't know. He took those off his shoulder and did the bag. Just put them on the ground. He went on to question us for a long time. He wanted to know where we lived.

We pointed to the large farmhouse on the hill and we said, that is where we live. We live next door to the farmhouse. The big barn on the left belongs to the farmer. Mugabe? The farmer.

Oh, the farmer. It's like they were robbing Mugabe or something. He doesn't live belongs to the farmer. Mugabe? The farmer. Oh, the farmer. It's either Robert Mugabe or something. He doesn't live next to the fucking... I don't know what he said. Robert Mugabe. I don't know. He said the farmer. Not Mugabe.

Why is an alien landing? Why anything? Yes, but he does not... The farm didn't... He would have mentioned that at the beginning. Yeah, we had a farm less than one of the worst. Inexplicably, Robert McGarvey lives next door. He doesn't, this is such shit.

You've formed an opinion already, have you? Why do they all live next to the farm? What are they doing? While they're blackberrying, they all live there. All of his stories are location-based, and that's a very important part of the story. Very strange. We're only tenants in the farmhouse next door. We had nothing to do

with the farm. When we had answered all his questions he wanted to know what the last building was on the skyline which we could see from our house and that was the dormant abbey. We told him

the history of the Abbey. It was built in the year 1066, something like that, built by the Romans with the remains of the city of Berlin. He was most interested. As the questions came to an end, he said, Now, I've got a present here for each of you. And he stood down and gave us each

one of these square gold carps or trunks or whatever you like to call them. Well, fucking you should know. You're telling the story. It's your story.

It's whatever you like to call them, Derek. What did he say before trunks? I don't know. Casks. Casks. Oh, did he say cas Derek. What did he say before trunks? I don't know. Casks. Casks. Oh, did he say casks? I thought he said charms or something. No casks.

All right, that makes, I mean, I was going to say sense, but no. Whatever you want to call them. I want to call them bullshit. And we will shortly. Why has he got three? Why did he bring one for the fox? That's why you had to kill the fox. Oh, shit.

I've only got three of these casks. That's why you had to kill the fox. Oh shit, I've only got three of these cars. Last fox is fucked then. They were beautiful and they were heavy. We put our backbenders on the ground and he wanted to know where they came from. Why we were picking them. What were the jars made of.

He never missed anything. Anyway, he gave us one piece each. And he said, now, I want you to promise that you will not, under any circumstances, open these while I'm here or they're the feet above you. While you can see my card, you must not open them.

If you do, you'll go the same way as the fox. Oh. Hang on. So he's given them these caskets. Sorry, these trunks. Trunks. And if they open them while he's still around, they'll die. Yes.

But when did he say he could open them? When he's gone. When he's gone. Whether he's not on the ground and he's not even in the air. Because if he's in the air and he sees them from his spaceship... He'll zap them. He'll zap them from the spaceship.

So they have to give him... Must have a lot of L-shaped instruments on the spaceship. Oh, so it's him actively killing them if they open them. Yeah. I thought it was... What?

Seems odd to give someone a gift and say, if you open it, I'll kill you. Well, it's only when he's around. It's like, it's fine when he's gone because he's so embarrassed. But you don't know when he might be around. What if he's hiding behind a tree when you open it? That's because they're empty and he doesn't want them to know until he's gone. Yeah, maybe. It's fine when he's gone. But you don't know when he might be around. What if he's hiding behind a tree? That's because they're empty and he doesn't want them to know until he's gone.

Yeah, maybe. It's like inside it has a big sticker saying, Suck Tits or something, I don't know. It's like fortune cookies. Yeah, you'll meet a tall, dark, weird stranger. With that, he bade us farewell. And he walked slowly back to this huge machine. He walked halfway up the ramp. He turned towards us and he walked slowly back to this huge machine. He walked halfway up the ramp.

He turned towards us and he waved. And we waved back. It's like the Beatles. Getting on a plane to another country. You know what I mean? It's like fucking shit. To be honest, though, this is just so far the ending of E.T. You know, I love all the tropes that he can't help but put these tropes that

obviously from films, the whole waving and like you know, the look of it and it's just so obviously picked up, isn't it? Yeah, it's quaint and kind of affected in terms of tropes and things, yeah. And why does he have to sort of describe it as a net bag? All of it, it's like, you don't need any of this.

No, we don't need, well, we don't need it at all. He could just produce these trunks. Shouldn't he materialise the trunks or something? No, he's got a bag. He's got a net bag, like he's been shopping. All aliens have fanny packs. Fucking bullshit. The machine started up and again the stuff was burst into flames. Again, the jet took over and the steam coiled the flames immediately and the whole countryside shook as the huge saucer left the earth.

He did tell us that he had lots of calls to make in other worlds and he had a lot to go for a lot of time. So he's a milkman? He's got a lot more trunks to deliver on other planets. Oh, you think that's what it is?

He's a dope peddler. Intergalactic dope peddler. I hope he's got something in... Oh, he's a postman. We're never going to find out what's in the trunks,

are we? I can just realise now. It's going to cut off the floor. We never dared open the trunks. Now parents took them off us and smashed them and gave us blackberries.

And spanked us with rods. I added that. Yes, you certainly did. Sorry. It had not been time to spare. When he'd gone, we watched the craft run out of sight before we gave a move.

And we went home, as far as our legs would carry us. Mother was halfway down the field. She'd heard the commotion. She'd actually seen the machine. She said, are you all right? Are you all right? I'm wearing thick. I said, yes, Mother, we're perfectly all right. She said, what have you got there where did you get those the man in the sports machine we said by the end we looked back across the rolling countryside and there were literally hundreds of people coming from all directions on boats on bicycles the bus had stopped at the bottom of bracket hall lane so those are the bus routes the bus had stopped at the bottom of Baskin Hall Lane. So those were bus routes.

Another... The bus number 42 came by. Baskin Hall Lane. Yes, the bus. Why has the bus stopped? Were there a lot of buses in the 30s? There must have been buses. There might have been a bus.

The one bus that brought them all to the UFO field. The UFO bus. Oh, I've spotted a UFO. I'm just going to commandeer this whole bus. We're all going to go see the big shit. Maybe that's the point. Bicycles coming across the fields in bicycles. I did like that bit where he goes,

they came walking in bicycles, and then his brain went, what else did people travel in in the past? Buses. He didn't have cars. Buses, better put in some detail about where it'd come from on what lane. Hotter.

Zeppelin really sells it. Zeppelin. All of these place names I remember really sell it. The old bus with solid tyres and an open top deck. We had loads of passengers.

They'd all come to see the man from Spaceship. We had seen him. We had talked to him. He had given us a wonderful privilege, although we did not know what was in those beautiful We had seen him. We had talked to him. He had given us a wonderful presentation, although we did not know what was in those beautiful clothes. We never said I got into us when there was a knock at the door.

There was a police sergeant, a major from the army, and several other NCOs. They wanted to know if we were the boys that were seen talking to the man from space. And they would lie in the boxes to take them into custody because they did not know what was inside them and made it dangerous to the country and to us and to everybody else. And then he said, would you please come with us?

We have lots of questions we want to answer. Where do you live? What's the school? What's the address you live on? Et cetera, et cetera. The bus had solid tyres. I'm glad, Derek, and an open top. So it's a what? It's like, quick, the aliens are in the sky. Get the open top bus so we can see it. It's like a tour bus or something.

Maybe that's what it was. A first-ever tour bus. Solid tie is my arse. This is such like a former movie. And non-commissioned officers. Thanks for that detail. Yeah, cheers. We walked answered.

We walked out to the bottom of the paddock, the barricade. There was a very crude and mobile office. It looked like a shed on wheels. It was an old Leyland with solid tyres and it had got some steps leading up to a door in the rear. We were asked to go inside and sitting at the table were police, high-ranking police, high-ranking military and one or two local officials. And then the question

started all over again. Yeah, it's like, this is a story about big men asking kids questions about where they live. And solid tyres. Yeah, solid tyres. That 30s detail really sells it, the solid tyres.

Because if they'd said inflatable tyres we would have all caught that Yeah, inflatable tyres Oh shit, no it didn't Oh, Altrincham Drive Now everyone knows my story's made up Fayside Drive

Altrincham Road You can stop, mate We're good Let's move on There are two more minutes left of this now Two more We're getting to the

lost finale We're never going to see this in those cases What did he look like? How old do you think he was? Did he say where he come from? while we're getting to the lost finale. We're never going to see this in those cases. What did he look like? How old do you think he was? Did he say where he'd come from? The questions kept coming, and we answered as best we could.

Then they said, as regards these lovely boxes, we must keep them, and he counted them thoroughly and made sure they're perfectly safe. And then, if they're of no use to the country or the military, then they will be returned to you. With that, it led to the battle back to our home. When we got back home, there were reporters everywhere. They were all over the government. Newspaper men everywhere they were.

Questions, questions, questions. My mother said, you must excuse me, but my boys haven't had any dinner. You must excuse me. We went inside. Mother gave us a lovely dinner. And afterwards, we went out in the garden, posed for photographs. Then, all of a sudden, along came the police sergeant and the major, two cousins, carrying And they thanked us for hours. And that's the end of that story. So, what do you think happened then? So they'd examined them. What is the finale?

And they didn't see any reason why they couldn't keep them. Yeah. No, just aliens. Also, he said that there was lots of reporters and stuff. So he's kind of shooting himself in the foot there with the veracity of this story, because there would be news reports. You sure it's that point in the story you're losing the veracity?

Yeah, but you don't put something in the story that can be checked. All right, well then, come on, you both, come on. What's the story, Stuart? Well veracity yeah but you know you don't you don't put something in the story that can be checked all right well then come on you both come on what's the what's the story stewart well what's the end do they open the the trunks do they open their trunks do they i think there's going to be some sort of bigging up of derrick there's going to be some sort of everybody thanked derrick for being nice to the alien. Everybody was impressed that Derek was the one who spoke to it while his brothers just pissed their pants like an inferior scum they are. I'd like to think there was, like, Viagra in the trunk

and it loops the whole universe, the Derek universe, together like the Infinity Stones of this whole saga. It opens it up and inside he can see... He can see a tiger's vagina. And one's got a hoover in it. It's like, couldn't it all be like that? It could be the first three stories are in each of the boxes. Interesting.

That would be far too clever for Derek. Irish Jimmy the box. Small dead Irish boy. Oh God. I think you're onto something there, Stuart. It's something that's going to be aggrandising to Derek

so perhaps you know his brother gets a box and it's got like a little turd in his other brother's got like you know a rotten strawberry and

and his box says dear Derek you are the chosen special warrior of the whole universe and you must go around taking people to certain locations in and around St Albans. And did I get any thanks for it? You didn't get any thanks.

Did I? Fuck. It's just a thank you note from the alien who owned the drum. That was my drum that you recovered. I dropped it out of my spaceship while I was going to a band practice on Saturn. You're all right, mate. You seem to be having a problem processing this story. Oh, thank you, Derek.

You are really worthy of praise and gratitude. Why do you sound like a dog? I'm doing the alien voice. Yeah, that's true. All right. Should I just reveal the answer then? Yeah, I've got nothing. They'd better open the trunks.

Well, find out next week on Cheap Show. No, we'll do it now. So, this is the ending. This is the family new day. As recollected by Tom and the family, what they remember, this is the ending. So, they've all listened to it before, and they all came up with the same ending, basically. They all agreed that this is what they remember.

So this is the true ending, right. So, Derek and his, I'm just going to read this out, as he wrote it to me. Derek and his mother, go back into the house,

with their very beautiful chests. His mother, tells him that he can open it, and see what the surprise is. And it is the most wonderful thing. It was Britain's very first mars bar he ate it and believed it was the most delicious thing to ever have passed his lips oh my god wait here's the last sentence it turns out that everything that had happened that day

was an advertisement campaign for the new chocolate bar. Wow. And that's his story. Wow. They killed a fox? They killed a fox to sell Mars bars. They vaporised a fox. It wasn't a real fox, it was a prop fox. That's why it ran towards the spaceship. That rings true, doesn't it? We've really got to sell this UFO shit idea for our advertisement.

So when you get down there, just shoot a fox or something, show a bit of threat. So there you go. How did they produce the spaceship? Yes, all very good questions. No, all very good questions. That's why it was so noisy. It was 1930s engine in it.

It was all steam powered. UFO, it's like the first ever steampunk. And that's that story. That is the last ever story. It was an advertisement for fucking Mars. Oh my god, I wish we'd heard for fucking Mars bars. Oh my God, I wish we'd heard Derek read that out. Oh, that would have been brilliant.

I want to know when the first Mars bar was in the UK. That would have been in the 30s because I remember reading an article about all of the big chocolate brands, all of the massive sort of chocolates that you can imagine were all invented in the 30s. There was a huge boom can imagine were all invented in the 30s.

There was a huge boom of confectionery manufacturing in the 30s. Mars, commonly known as the Mars Bar, first was produced in 1932 in Slough. Oh. By, yeah, Slough England. Slough's up the road from St Albans, isn't it? So what you're saying is this might be a true story. They launched the spaceship in Slough. Flies over to St Albans.

Can't go very far, can it? I'm just going to check their facts and figures to see if they ever did an advertisement campaign. No, they never did that. They never did that. No, but it's funny. All of those, like the double-decker was invented in the 30s. That would have been a much easier thing to fake.

Me and my boys, we saw a double decker come down the road and an old man got out with a top hat and gave us a chocolate bar. Yeah, maybe something like that did happen. We went to the Kit Kat club and they had a wafer for us. That is just... And then I got aroused when Snickers came round. It had been a marathon back then. Lovely dirty pair of Snickers.

Snickers, knickers. Knickers, yeah, that's what I was getting at. And Lion Bar. Oh! I don't think we're going to get any better than that. So that's it. Let's wrap this show up.

Wow, that's the end. I wish we could have heard him say it. I know, wouldn't it have been lovely to have him deliver that punchline? He was Irish.

It would have had that kind of impact. It would have had that kind of impact. It would have been that good. Oh, well. It was an advertising campaign for Mars. Let's close the book on Derek. Bloody hell. And that's the end of Cheap Show and Derek.

Oh. Oh. Oh, I kind of feel it's kind of anticlimactic, but I'm happy with the way it ended. Well, I don't know. He goes to... It's gone. It's gone.

I mean, there are stories out there in the ether. I mean, he's... What is he covered in his four stories? He's covered in the first story, animal eroticism. Yeah. In the second story, there is the supernatural. Supernatural hoovers. The third story is Catholics.

I mean, that's it, isn't it? The mystery of the Catholics. Irish Catholics. Yeah, and then the fourth story, big sci-fi finale. Yeah, yeah. So, I mean, it's not as anticlimactic as I was led to believe.

No, I mean... No, you're right. It's actually quite... That's one of his better ones. I mean, I think it's better than Irish Jimmy's. Yeah. Irish Jimmy's at the bottom.

Let's rank them. Yeah. I mean, number one is the Brookside Tiger. I don I think it's better than Irish Jimmy's. Yeah. Irish Jimmy's at the bottom. Let's rank them. I mean number one is the Brookside Tiger. I don't think so. I think the Bone Hoover's got the edge.

As I said it is the Empire Strikes Back. I think the Bone Hoover was very dull in the way it was told if I remember.

We're only remembering the highlights of very little that happened. There's so much built up in the beginning of that

story and then when it's revealed it's just basically a knicker sucking bit. I like the knicker sucking bit the red threads and the donkey bones

it's just got a lot going on for it my ranking would be top to bottom it would be Brookside Tiger then the Bonehoover no no

then this yeah I like the tone of this so yeah Man From Mars then Bonehoover and then I do Irish Jimmy at the bottom

yeah maybe you're right so to speak maybe you're right that's just me that's the way I'm going I'd put Bonehoover top see I would put Bonehoover bottom

but it was much shorter if I remember than Irish Jimmy and Irish Jimmy was really empty and full of yeah it was terrible it was like one standout moment

when he realised that Irish Jimmy was Irish it was like someone telling the most protracted joke, but without the punchline, you know? So that's just my ranking. Maybe your ranking, I'm pointing at you right now, listener, your ranking is different.

Why don't you comment? I don't give a fuck. God, Paul. You're capable. Hashtag socials. No social media. Anyway, that's the end of that and this episode today. So, Stuart, thank you very much for joining us and closing the book.

Thank you for giving me some more Derek. I know. Hopefully one day the technology will catch up and we'll be able to, I don't know, decipher the later works of Derek. Perhaps the Mars company is working on some kind of highly advanced AI. Yeah, maybe. Because they were doing stuff in the 30s. Yeah. I think maybe that's for Cheap Show,

the next generation to deal with. Well, our children, our children, Eli. He's touching me, which is against the rules of the podcast. It's not against the rules. In fact, I'm in charge of the rules of the podcast and I say this is fine. I don't like it.

It's clammy. I'll give you that. I've just realised, wouldn't it have been better for Mars as an advert if they'd perhaps had more than three goddamn children watching? Or landed in Trafalgar Square or something.

It does make sense if it's an advert because the bus has obviously been set up beforehand. The solid wheeled bus. But it arrived late because it didn't have pneumatic tyres. You're adding much more to it than needs be. It's hard kicking across the field with those hard tyres, isn't it? Right, let's do the admin. So, first of all, let's get the big news out of the way.

Cheap Show 300 Live is happening. If you would like to get tickets, you can go to harrowarts.com. Look for Cheap Show. Get your tickets there. If you're a Patreon supporter, you'll get a discount. It's all lovely and jubbly. So get to harrowarts.com or if you go to our website, the get a discount it's all lovely and jubbly so get to harrowarts.com

or if you go to our website thecheapshow.co.uk there'll be a link there to the tickets page get your tickets come and join us we're going to have lots of games

we're going to do Cheap Show Live for the first time in four years four years yeah no it'll be four years by the time we do it

four years by the time we do it if you don't include Digitizer Live when we did that segment well that was live wasn't it it's not a whole

Cheap Show show you're all over the shop. Why don't you shut up? Why don't you shut up? In general. How about this? Why don't you go the way of Derek and die up a tiger or something? Anyway, come and join us for our big show in London,

in Harrow, at the Harrow Arts Centre. It's going to be wicked. And we've got some guests. I believe Stuart might turn up. I'm planning to. Wonderful. Mr. Buffo's there because at this point he's basically the third member of Cheap Show

whether he likes it or not. But we are going to have some secret guesses. We're going to have some special guests. That's what I wanted to say. Not secret guesses. I think I'm just... I'll make a secret guess. I'm not telling you what I'm guessing. Paul's thinking blue. Yeah. That's my secret. Oh, it's not a secret anymore. Tickets are £15, which I think

is cheap as chips and the patrons get a further discount. If you want to become a patron, go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show. If you want to email us anything, thecheapshow at gmail.com, and let's do the socials. We're on Facebook. We're on Instagram. You can find it by looking for Cheap Show. But on Twitter is where we're most chatty.

I'm active on Twitter. So go to... Oh, I get well active. At the Cheap Show pod. Late night active. At the Cheap Show Pod. Late night active. At the Cheap Show Pod, I'm at Paul Gannon's show. Eli is...

Eli's snowy, and that's spelled E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D, and I get well active. And Stuart, how can people find you? My dangerously inactive at Ashen's. There we go.

A-S-H-E-N-S. So join us all there for inactive fun. And we'll be back next week for more economy comedy fun. But for now, R.I.P. Derek. R.I.P.

Rest in peace. Wherever you are. Up a tiger. Giant cat's vagina. In some weird kind of Russian doll of like a hoover with a tiger in. And a spaceship. And a spaceship with a hoover.

It might be flying through the whole universe. Inside a cat, inside a hoover, inside a spaceship, inside a planet. Yeah, inside a Mars bomb. And it's all just an

ad. It's all just an advert for NFTs. He loves this with the NFTs. You were using it before as well. I did it when it was

relevant, about two months ago. I'll do a different one then. It's an advert for, what did you say? Cryptocurrency. Cryptocurrency.

Bye everyone. See you next time. Cryptocurrency. Bye, everyone. See you next time on the Jeep Show podcast. I don't know why I'm saying goodbye like it's Tiz was. Bye.