CheapShow - Ep 279: Hole Ness

Episode Date: April 29, 2022

After the high drama of last week’s Derek finale, it’s very much back to basics for Paul and Eli this week on CheapShow. To bring some stability to the format, they opt to indulge in some Cheap Eats and Price of Shite action. At no point do two new, awful characters appear, destined to be forgotten about. Not at all! In Cheap Eats, Messrs Gannon and Silverman tackle a rather unsatisfactory brand of strongly flavoured Sunflower seeds and guzzle down Gingerbread flavoured Mountain Dew. It was all going so well until Eli pulls out an impromptu Sauce Report and Paul goes on a silent protest. The Price of Shite brings along a selection of weird and wonderful charity store sourced items ranging from the pointless to the fascinating. It at least gives Gannon a chance to do a Scottish accent… Sadly. It’s a thrilling finale to the game of tat and one where Poindexter gets pulled into the action too! This is SUCH a weird pod at times… See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-279-hole-ness Tickets for LIVE SHOW on August 13th: Episode 300 Live https://harrowarts.com/whats-on/event/cheapshow-300-live And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Tis a rainy day, Silverman. Tis a lazy day, a lazy day. Tis a rainy, lazy day, Silverman. Shut up. Mate, you told me... Yeah. ...that we'd had to do the housework about the live show at the start and I had to be on my best behaviour.

And then you start some, frankly, being generous, six out of ten sort of... I don't know, what was that meant to be? The lazy day rain man? Was he a new character? Six from ten, Silverman. 6 out of 10. Sort of, I don't know, what was that meant to be? The Lazy Day Rain Man? Was he a new character? 6 from 10, Silver Man. 6 from 10, you score me. How?

Thou artist. Thou artist. Thou artist kind, and thou artist critical. Oh, Silver Man, what thou art. All right, I'll do the, I'll just do the thing. Ladies and gentlemen, we're doing a live show. Fuck my willy off. I can't believe it.

We're going to be live in the Harrow Arts Centre just outside of London on August 13. We want you, yes, you to join us. Why not join us? It's going to be a great big show with lots of guests. We've got Stuart Ashen confirmed. We've got Mr Biffo. He's going to be up for it because he always is, isn't he?

And we're going to have some other guests we're going to invite and through the next few months we're going to try and coach them into the show to therefore coach you to come and watch us so do you want to see Cheap Show live

for the first time in four years in a great big brassy show then come along you can find details on the metadata for this podcast

or go to thecheapshow.co.uk or go to harrowarts.com. All the links are in the metadata for this podcast. All the links are on our webpage, thecheapshow.co.uk. It's simple, buddy.

And if you're a Patreon, you will get a discount. So you'll get a special code and that's nice, isn't it? So come on and join us for a live show featuring me and Silverman. I am the rainbow boy, the window, the rain. Oh, what cometh the rain the day?

August 13th. Join us for our 300th episode live. Housework's done. Therefore, Silverman. The pitter-patter boy, he cometh to the window. Come here, the Silverman. Tippy-tappy-top, tippy-tappy-top. here tippy tappy top tippy tappy top the rainbow boy the rainbow boy this little little rainbow boy you know what you've you've actually now ruined

this for me oh the rainest i'm just doing i'm just giving you back what you gave me yeah but you can't do that it's pitterest this day oh the day of the wingeth here we go the wingeth between of singeth. No, seriously, come to the live show. We've already sold a million tickets. Yes, so therefore there are a few more available. It's the largest venue in London. Yeah, it's going to be bigger than Wembley.

There's free, you get free food, sandwiches. Live aid? Fuck off. I'll be giving out free alcoholic drinks from a never-ending well of beer. And I'll be giving handjobs out during the interval. And I'll be taking all comers in the car park. Dogs, cats, horses, all comers.

We're wastrels. Fucking abuse us and come to our live show on August 13th. Can we start again, Paul? Welcome to Cheap Show. No, welcome to Cheap Show. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept.

Cheap Show. It's the price of shite. Paul Gannon. Eli Silverman. Welcome to Cheap Show. And I go and I nuzzle. So, Paul, what have we got coming up on the show today? Today, in a very simple, no gimmicks attached episode of Cheap Show that I want to make sure is a quick edit this week because I have stuff to do.

We have, oh, I can't believe my eyes. Take that off on your bingo card. You want it to be short, man? It's got to be short. Eli, shut up. Eli, let me just get out all the information

before you say anything. Eli, why don't you just, you know, rein it in. I'm ticking that off on my fucking Paul says it every week bingo card. One day we should just

get the bingo card out and just do everything on it out and get it out the way in the first few minutes. Listen, mate. Yeah. All right, make it a quick edit. Tell me what the fuck's

coming up on the show. You've made it a longer fucking edit already by saying, because I want to make it a quick edit this week. You're going against yourself. I'm sorry that,

I'm sorry I have to mention the shirt. I'm sorry, Captain Ramble Man. Captain Ramble Man? Captain Ramble Man was ramble man was like hey you bingo god good game whatever you know what i mean it's like look at your shirt it is so much like you just said two minutes ago all right paul let's not attack ourselves and what we wear and how we dress no it wasn't that clothing is fair game back to no you just said that was the whole it's whole point. It's a delicious garment. It's a little stiff and it's a little bowling alley

kind of shit. It's funny. It's very bowling alley-like. But I like it. I like the brown and the coloured stripes. It's nice. Very big Lebowski tribute act.

Fine. But you just said you wouldn't attack me for my fashion. Okay, well, don't say anything about me then. I haven't said anything about you, you tumbleweed

of a fucking human being. Tumbleweed of a human being? Yes. That's my put down for you. And from the rest of this point onwards, I'm going to do nothing but give you plaudits and positive reinforcements. Well, you're a stinging nettle of a human being.

Grubby little stinging nettle, stinging the kids, taking the joy out of their Sundays out. I just wanted to go in the park, mister, but no, I got stung by the poor gannon nettle. Oh, and now it's made me dizzy. to go in the park, mister. But no, I got stung by the poor gun and nettle. Ooh, and now it's made me,

ooh, ooh, dizzy. Well, I just want to say, Eli, that I deeply appreciate your contribution to this podcast. Thank you. Without them, this podcast would be a much lesser item

than it is currently. Would be nothing. It would be nothing, Paul. It would be a barren wasteland. It would be you speaking into the void. Alone. And I particularly like your personal hygiene. And I particularly love It would be nothing, Paul. It would be a barren wasteland. It would be you speaking into the void. Alone.

I particularly like your personal hygiene. And I particularly love the way you've arranged your room. Listen, the House of the Pickles is the spiritual centre of everything we do here on the show, Paul. Its essences, its smells. No, the spiritual centre of this podcast is your arsehole. Directly your bunghole. Well, I'm glad you said that. That is right. The hole is the hole. The spiritual centre of this podcast is your arsehole. Directly your bunghole. Well, I'm glad you said that. That is right. The hole is the hole.

The spiritual hole. The wholeness is my hole. That's right. Bob Wholeness. The patron saint of Eli's... Bob Wholeness. Come on, we shouldn't speak ill of the dead. He wasn't some kind of...

I'll have an O, please, Bob. Transcosmic arsehole deity he is now right you put your cheeks apart you can hear him play the saxophone this is good this is good stuff now yeah we found it bob holness the patron saint of eli's arse Right. What do we have coming up on the show today, Paul? Cheap eats, soda pop, and a price of shite. So it's back to basics, very much... Simple pimple. Very much the core segments that you will come across,

if you were just to come across our podcast after coming across your screen, looking at aunties or something, an aunties website, let's say. If you're going to step in and stop this you've come across that and then you come across us in the other sense of the word paul in the sense of the word where you just so how about the live show we just like the front of the stage have our audience jack off onto us how about that would you like that i don't want to do

that if we get them all to line up it's the reason i chose this life yeah and not the that life the you don't think episode 300 should be celebrated with copious amounts of strange... A huge bukkake party in Harrow. No. Funny? Funny? No. I don't want any spunking. So come to our show, the bukkake party on August 13th

where we will invite you on stage to unleash your arcs of jism upon our faces. No, but in all seriousness Paul, will there be any audience participation of any sort? Probably. There will be, won't there? Of some kind. Come on, we don't want to actually encourage

any kind of spunking or throttage. No. Right, good. Nor do we want any audience. Enough of that in my dreams. I don't want anyone in the audience to emit any kind of liquid or solid from their body.

Or gaseous. Gaseous. Gaseous. What does that mean? Of gas. Oh, gaseous. Gaseous, mate. Get with it.

You make it sound like gape. It's the word gaseous. Yeah, well. I am Gapius Maximus. Stop it. Hi, soldier, come here. I'm Gapius Maximus. Hello, sir.

How can I help you why would a soldier say that hello sir like fucking idiots you fucking moron hello sir I was going to be a Roman soldier

alright yes emperor thank you you're treating Gapius with the honour that he deserves Gapius Maximus is the finest fighter

in the whole of his empire, sir. It's an honour to die in battle with you, Emperor. Emperor, sir. Evening all. I say, I say, I say. I'm Gapius Maximus, shut up. Right.

Do you know why I'm the legion, the empire's greatest soldier, legion, private, whatever they call them? Because you've cast more blood upon the earth, sir, than anyone else in this battlement. Almost. No, it is when they seek to strike me with their sword or mallet. My gaping hole.

There we go. Swallows them up. It does. It's mainly, It gapes so wide It's mainly air I mainly consist of a gap You're full of I'm a gap in an arse

So you're full of swords Is that what you're saying? They come They tumble down Come one Come all They miss me Gapius Max

And at six minutes and thirty seconds This segment went off the rails You know what? I'm trying to delay this on purpose today Paul Because The cheap eats are not Are not tingling my wingle You know what I'm saying trying to delay this on purpose today, Paul, because the cheap eats are not tingling my wingle. You know what I'm saying?

Well, you're going to find out what they are in the next segment, so we're going to get to that, but that's all right. I ate some already in America. Right. I haven't had any of these, so this is going to be new for me.

They're going to be a mess as well. This is new for me, and someone sent them to us, so act with a little bit more respect to people who use our PO box, details of which are the metadata for this podcast, and on our website, thecheapshow.co.uk nice thank you very nice to send stuff to us so maybe show a little bit more difference deference difference different deference to them should we

do the theme tune for cheap eats no because this is the cold this is not the cold open this is the hello welcome to the show segment it's shorter I love it when you micro edit yeah on the fly like this I love your micro phallus on the fly you've zipped you unzip the fly and then what comes out Bob

Oldness imagine that yeah that would be a nightmare Bob Oldness comes give me a pee he'd be saying and he's doing this sorry love it happens every time I get my cock out oh wow this. Sorry, love.

It happens every time I get my cock out. Oh, wow. Imagine the blockbuster theme tune played every time you got your cock out. I call him Bob Metis now.

Metis Holders. I am Metis Holders and I will take you to battle Gapius Maximus. Oh, it's great. Right, well, let's start the show. Yeah, let's start the show.

Chip. Chip, chip, chip, chip, chip. Chip. Chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip. Chip. Chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip. Oh. It's...

Oh! Chip. Chip, chip, chip,p, chirp, chirp. Oh. It's, oh! Chirp. Chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp. No. Chirp. I can't do this. Stop it. No.

Chirp. It's talking of chipping, chirping, chirpers. Chirp eats. Talking of chirps. Yeah. I've got baby pigeons on my balcony in the House of Pickles. I think everyone should know. You should see a doc about that.

There are baby pigeons and they make chirpy, chirpy, chirpy sounds. Yeah. So they make sounds of lollipops. But I looked out there. They have shats everywhere. The whole nest is just one thick piece of pigeon shit, man. Well, it fits in with your room somewhat then, doesn't it? Oh, shut up.

It's like they've copied your interior design. Look, can't you just be nice? I'm nurturing some pigeons. I could have killed them. In your wingeth. I am protecting them very much in my wingeth. You can't protect them

by just saying you protect them by not killing them. You see what I'm saying? It gives you a weird power kind of thing over it and it's weird. Well, what? Well, I mean,

I'm just, I'm enjoying being near the the life the creation of some pigeons pigeon life welcome to cheap eats this comes with a letter what are you eating this comes from two people james and pearl where are they from does it say i think they're from america oh james and what was that song called it was It was given a name. Wasn't it called like Asteroid or something, that piece of music? Was it a piece of library music? No, it was made for the Pearl and Dean.

Pearl and Dean. Adverts. But it's got a name like Asteroid or Comet or something like that. No, fuck it. Let's get on with the letter. So I'll tell you what, while you look that up, I'll read this out. So this still says, Messes, Gannon and Silverman. I like that.

Messes. Yeah, but where does that come from? Messers. I know that it's a word that exists. I think it just means man and wife, doesn't it? Does it? I think it means, yeah. So instead of saying Mr.,

I do not know. I've never thought about it until this very moment. Yes. I think it means sort of you as the couple. Mr. and Mrs. I think it's a sort of... Conflation of the two. Yeah.

I don't know. I could be wrong, but I'm looking up. What am I looking up? I've forgotten, mate. Messers is more... Bob Oldness is our song. No, what was I going to look up?

What the hell? Pearl and Dean music's called. Yeah, Pearl and Dean music. You look that up while I read the letter. So it says, Messers, Gannon and Silverman, I hope that this letter

and package finds you both well. I was inspired by the recent escalation of Russia's illegal war of aggression to send you Ukraine's most popular snack. Oh!

Time dates the episode to a certain period before the apocalypse. They are sunflower seeds, or, and it's spelt in Polish, but there is a phonetic spelling he's put in, so thank you very much, nasinia sonyashnikur, which are also popular in the United States,

especially among baseball players who chew on the seeds instead of tobacco and he's even put annotations in to back up his claims that's a nice what do you mean

annotations so like he says there footnotes you mean is that what you mean footnotes yeah Ukraine's most popular snack one then he's got a

he's got a saucer it is the Ukraine yes so I like his commitment commitment to truth to backing up his statements journalistic integrity that this letter has it's a new thing for us that's for sure so you will find enclosed also one bottle

of mountain dew and we have a look at this and it is gingerbread snapped edition the color of this beverage is reminiscent of spoff however and i think you'll find the flavor viscosity amplitude and mouthfeel somewhat palatable. Palatable. Yeah. Warmest regards, James and Pearl. Thank you, James and Pearl. Da-da-da-da-da-da.

Asteroid. Oh, it even goes on to say they were bought in a convenience store in Midland, Texas. Each pack of sunflowers were about $3, which is quite expensive, and the Mountain Dew was two. Asteroid. Oh, so I was right. Yeah, did you say asteroid? I said asteroid or comet, didn't I? Something like that

And in the 90s It was mixed with A whole lot of love Wasn't it By Led Zeppelin In releasing the charts Remember that You mean there was

A mashup of sorts Of asteroid And whole lot of love Yeah that would work Wouldn't it So I believe It was a reasonably Big hit in the 90s

That song As a mashup Must have been A very early mashup I think it was like A band Oh they did a version, that song. As a mash-up. It must have been a very early mash-up. I think it was like a band. Oh, they did a version, sort of. And mashed the two together. So it wasn't like it was a cut-up.

Right. I think it was. Who was that group we covered who were meant to have invented the mash-up? Who did all the rock and roll versions of... No, we haven't covered them on the show. We've just talked about it privately. Big Daddy. Yeah.

I don't think we've talked about Big Daddy on the show. I think we've talked about it in our private moments. Anyway, shall we take some of these seeds. So we have three packets of Bigs, which are sesame seeds, and they have three distinct flavours. What are they? Are they sesame seeds, though? No!

Are they? No, they're sesame seeds. They're not. Are they, Paul? What are they? I thought they were. Sunflower. Oh.

A totally different plant. Very different plant. Sesame seeds are what you get on a burger bun. Yeah, yeah. They're tiny. Are they, Paul? What are they? I thought they were. Sunflower. Oh. A totally different plant. Very different plant. Sesame seeds are what you get on a burger bun. Yeah, yeah. They're tiny little things. Yeah, my brain. That could be stuck there for three days. From a meal you had three days and come out you took.

I don't like them on burgers. I'll be honest with you. I don't like them. I don't like sesame seeds in general. You don't? No, I'm not a big fan. You don't like the taste? Do you like the taste of sesame oil?

Nah. I quite like it. It's nice when you use it for like a stir fry. That's about it. Now, these are both all three packs of Biggs, which are sunflower seeds, edible sunflower seeds, but they are in their shell, so to speak. So they've got a fibrous...

Oh, you've got to fucking break them out. Yeah, you have to break them open. But that's why the baseball players like Pearl and Dean have... Sorry, Martin and Dean. What are they called? James and Pearl. James and Pearl. James. Proving you never listen.

I did. James and Pearl have said that the baseball players use them. Instead of tobacco. Which is not a good thing. They chew the shell, spit the shell out, and then absorb the seed. I've been on buses around here, because I think people from Turkey and that part of the world are well into them as well. I've been on buses around here because I think people from Turkey and that part of the world are well into them as well.

I've been on buses around here and there's been a whole mound, like a midden mound. Where they've been waiting for a bus and just throwing

the shells on the ground. Yeah, yeah. So question, it's not the seed itself then that's flavoured, it's the shell that you suck and chew. They must, yes,

and they must bathe the whole thing in the flavour bath. I don't know if I'm going to like this because I don't like the idea of the texture of having something you can't eat in the way of the small thing you can eat.. I don't know if I'm going to like this, because I don't like the idea of the texture of having something you can't eat

in the way of the small thing you can eat. So people, what they've done in America, which they do a lot with stuff, is they've managed to just have roasted sunflower seeds, but these bigs people have entered into flavour country. They're branded as well. They're based on brands,

aren't they, these flavours? That's what I'm trying to say. They've entered into obviously partnership with all these massive brands. No, bland is probably correct. Shut up. I'm trying today. I'm trying. No, I was agreeing with you. They are probably quite bland flavors.

No, so you've got Vlasic, kosher dill spears, one, dill pickle, yum. Oh, you don't want a flaccid dill pickle, do you? Those are like a very big pickle. In America? Yeah. They're not the best quality they're just sort of the standard ones

Yeah You've got the Taco Bell Taco Supreme flavoured sunflower seeds Everything about that reeks of fucking poo poo Well it reeks of

a terrible time on your toilet the next day Yes But it's just the flavour so it probably won't give you the shits the way sometimes a real Taco Bell

Taco Bell has always given me the shits Really? And that's why I don't go anymore You know what pisses me off about taco bell the uk taco bells what you go in there and it's like i want some tacos and they're like is that a meal you know like i don't eat a taco with fries and you know what i mean yeah i just want tacos if i want fucking tacos and they can't even do it because they're so clueless they don't have to sell you just a

bunch of tacos taco bell does not work in the UK. It doesn't. It barely works in America, frankly. No, I mean, you know, I like some proper shit sometimes and I've been in America and you can get 10 taco box. Yeah, but that's not good. That's not good. The third, by the way,

the third packet of big sunflower seeds that we're tasting are chili limon, but it's got a branded chili hot sauce company tapatio which i think we did years ago it's a big mexican sounds familiar all right i'll tell you what then do you know what i've got some tapatio socks that's another fact it is a fact and i can't do anything with it should we get the half on which what order you do want to do these i'll let you pick i reckon chili lemon start should we startill pickle and then we'll end with Taco Bell.

So these you're not meant to do in one go because they've got that clever built-in sealer. Yeah. So you tear it to begin with until I get

in and then they've got a little Ziploc thing. Yeah. There's a very little smell of chili or lemon coming off those so I think you have to

activate it with your saliva. I'm going to jostle. Give it a jostle but it's not much half at all. Oh no. Is there a tiny bit of lime? Yeah, you can smell some lime.

So I just take a few and sort of suck them, I guess. Yeah. I've taken a little handful. Just suck them. Oh. I mean... I kind of don't know what to do with it. You split them.

I've crunched them so now there's all fragmentary bits in my mouth. Now, you need your spitty. I'll get a spitty. You can't forget spitty. There's spitty here. I guess I shouldn't have just munched on them. Spitty bag.

Right. I missed the bag. You missed the bag. Okay, now. We've had those. Those were the chilli lemon tapatio flavoured ones. It's a really... I missed the bag. You missed the bag. Okay, now. We've had those. Those were the chili lemon tapatio flavoured ones. It's a really, I don't know, it's a really unsatisfying snack. Yes.

Personally speaking. It's more of a mouth toy. Do you see what I mean? It's like you get the flavour and you can sort of, that's why the baseball players chew on them. It's more like a toothpick or something. Do you know? It's in between a toothpick and a piece of food.

I think I'm not meant to put a load on it. I think it's just one at a time, isn't it? Do you like pistachio nuts? Yeah nuts yeah see those for me have the total balance between work and receiving and it's like eating mussels because because the meat of the nuts is is is worth it's a success enough but the but the the ratio of shell to seed with these just you don't get enough once you get in there it's such a tiny reward you know what i mean yeah fox more do you still like eating them in the get in there it's such a tiny reward do you know what I mean yeah Fox Mordor used to like eating them in the X-Files yeah it's more of a sort of

work mouth work what did you think of the chilli and lemon flavour I mean it was there and it was a little bit hotter than I expected and it wasn't too artificial

the limey flavour wasn't too artificial it's limon which is lime in Mexican it's fine I think in terms of flavour profile

I would give it like a two. Because it's there and then it's not. It wasn't a great deal going on. There's some heat and there was some lemon. I mean, what else can you ask for? Not a lot of flavour to the hot sauce. Shall we try these pickled ones? Yes, let's put the pickle.

I'm just going to put one in this time. Proper suck it and then attempt to... Okay. So there's less detritus. Ooh. Oh, he's got a nice huff on that. Then I take it. That's a lovely dill huff on that, Paul.

Nothing more to say. Let me have a little snuffle. It's a strident dill huff coming off. Gaseous huff. Yeah. You know what I mean? Nice. There's a definite pulled from the burger sensation of the smell.

Absolutely. Burger pickle smell coming off. I'm just going to take two and I'm going to suck You're going to take two. I'm just going to suck it this time and then eat it break it.

So here we go. I mean the flavour's much better on this. I know but it's just that problem there's not enough reward. No. Nice though.

Nice flavour. Not too artificial again is it? No the flavour's Oh shit. Oh you spilt your pickle seeds on me. Jesus Christ. Hang on, I've just got to stand up and get the rest of this.

It's like having wood in your mouth at the end of the day, isn't it? I've had wood in my mouth and it's not like that, mate. Doesn't this fucking taste of pickle put it that way? It might. It didn't. In fact, I worry it's just going to taste more like the fucking Taco Bell one. Is that Paul's prediction? That Taco Bell's going to taste like

unwashed penis ends? Certainly unloved penis. He's cleaned up his seeds and we're back. Paul, if you gave a two for the flavour of the first, for the... Oh, I'd probably say 3.5 for this one. Nice pickle flavour. I mean, I'm not a huge pickle flavour

fan. I'll rephrase that. A pickle, artificial pickle flavour fan. And that wasn't overwhelmingly artificial. It was just nice. Very dilly. Dilly, dilly. Dilly, dilly, dilly. Let's do the last one.

Taco Bell. Taco Supreme flavoured. There's nothing supreme about Taco Bell. Let's have a huff on this. See, what kind of huff do you expect? A beefy huff? I expect some kind of spicy meaty huff. Oh, God, that's not a good one.

That's the most artificial one. What's the smell? There's a sort of beef, but it ends in a sort of cardboardy, sort of cleaning product kind of smell. All right, let's have a go. You'll see what I mean. See if you can articulate that better.

There's a sort of beefiness at the beginning, but then it sort of... It smells like I've just put my head down a toilet. Yeah, do you see what I mean? After someone's left a great big hot egg in it. You know.

It's like no smell and then a bit of a smell. Yeah, yeah. Not great. Now, no, it doesn't have the profile of the pickle. Now, you've been,

you've been dreading this moment. Well, here we go. On these taco supreme flavoured seeds. Very salty. Easily the saltiest, aren't they? It just tastes like an El Paso taco kit seasoning mix. Yes. You know what I mean?

A cheap taco seasoning or fajita seasoning mix. That's, I guess, what it is. So, I mean, there you go. I mean, I'll say this for it. There is flavour there. You suck it and the flavour's there for a considerable amount of time considering the size of the item. But you're right.

At the end of the day, it's a... It's a poultry meal. Yeah. It's a tiny meal with all that work of sucking the seed and having a woody seed in your mouth. Yeah. And then you open it. You've finally broken into the clam.

You know what I mean? You open the fucking magic clam at the bottom of the ocean and there's a fucking tiny little pellet like grey seed shut up it's time to move on to the drink by the way

yeah you didn't tell Juicy Jeremy about this I'm not telling Juicy Jeremy anything at the moment because he's gone off the fucking rails I think he is out there

in the lobby it doesn't matter don't bring it up because he shouldn't be here I think he's already he's going through a whole thing at the moment with Willy Wanker.

There's a kind of... There's a friction going on and it's getting to them both. I don't want it to infect the show, you know? So let's just... He keeps out there. Yeah, but he keeps sending me... He's here already, Paul.

He keeps sending me these drinks and the next day I have these weird stomach cramps. He asked me to tell him when we're doing the segment. We don't have to tell him. I'm going to tell him. Why? I'm going to go get him.

Don't get him. I'm going to go get Juicy Jeremy Alright be quick Okay I think Paul And then you know We'll quickly Just tell him

You explain to him Explain to him It's not his soda this week And then Send to us It's not my fault It's not my fault I'll just go

I'll just do that You be stern with him Because I can't Alright Yeah Alright I'll put my foot down Mr Jeremy Yeah commit to the bit Eli go on

Mr Jeremy oh hello it's my turn now thank you hello my boys my boys my boys hi hello juicy Jeremy

oh Paul my little boy we're bringing you in for a reason today you got me in to give you some soda and talk about the soda pop all day long. I love to talk about that soda pop. And you know what? It is my soda pop. God, you tiring cunt.

Fucking emotionally draining prick. Oh, you? Eli, is your little little friend, Paul. Little boy Paul, is he okay? I don't know, he's quite tired. He's been working this weekend. Oh, well, I hope he enjoys the sody pop. I'm here to taste the sody pop with you boys.

I got my jallapy, oh, jallapy. Parked outside. I'm right outside the podcast. How are things with the Willy Wanker going? Well, he's in the back of the car with a chicken. Let me go get him. Oh, I wish you wouldn't. I'm going to go get him.

Oh, I don't think you should. I don't think you should. Oh, my favourite little boy, Paul. Mr. Willy. Get up. Mr. Willy Wanker, come on in. We've got something to make up with her. Come on, commit to the bit, Paul. Mr. Willie. Yeah, what? Mr. Willie, come on in. We've got... We want you to make up with her.

Come on, commit to the bit, Paul. Come on. All right, I'm coming in. Yeah. Oh. Now, you tell him... Hello, Mr. Wanker. ...that that building belongs to me.

Right? And if I want to fuck a pig in that building, I have every fucking right to. Right. Hello. So, what do you want to say to my face? Yeah, we think you and

G.C.O. need to sort out this whole land problem. You should. Now, Mr. Wanker, you've been renting space in my soda truck. No, you've been renting space in my candy factory.

Now, we all know why you've been eating fucking snacks. What's all this about? Someone sent it to us. Didn't fucking put it past me, did you? Now, Mr. know... Why you've been eating fucking snacks. Now, we all... What's all this about? Someone sent it to us. Didn't fucking put it past me, did you? Now, Mr. Wanker... What do you want?

If I could have your ear for just one little moment... I mean, you can talk all you like, but... Now, one little moment. I'm really not interested. We've had this discussion a hundred times already. I want you out of the so-called factory. I know I want you out of my factory. I'm not.

I built the soda jug fountain in there in 1910. No, well, my family has owned that property, that land, since 1876. There's been wankers in charge of that land for as long as we can remember. Oh, you're a wanker, all right. There's been a wanker in every generation who's owned that fucking building.

So don't you fucking tell me that you don't know you've been taking that money from the hand of a wanker. Now, let me remind you, you came here today, my Jollipy. Now I'm going to take those chickens to a rescue, a rescue point. They don't need rescuing.

They do. They don't. They'll need putting down after you've done with them. Those saucy bitches fucking love it. You've destroyed some fucking chicken rectum. That's true. I'm going. Are you going, are you?

You've just given up like that, have you? After all the fucking setup. I don't want to. If he's going to be around here, I'm not going to bring my sody pops in here. But Paul. You know what? I'm going to say it right now.

I'm sorry about this, but I once made a fucking dog come in your sody pop fountain. I thought there was an extra thickness one day to the sody pops. Fucking thickness, that's right. I milked that dog dry with my own mouth. That must have been my new sody puff. You know what, I'm going to go, actually. I think we should both go.

Yeah, okay. I'll just let them out, Paul. Yeah, you let them out. Go on, Jason. All right, all right. All right, then. Bye, then. Come on, get in the jell-o Bye bye

They're alright really They're alright They'll make it up In the end Right Drink We didn't even Fucking tell them

Anyway We got this Mountain Dew Ginger Snap drink It's the It's the joy of Mountain Dew Mixed with the joy

Of cinnamon And ginger I don't think I think a cinnamon drink Can be alright We tasted that Do you remember that Korean That small Korean can Which was very cinnamony It was alright Very sweet and cinnamony and ginger. I don't think, I think a cinnamon drink can be alright. We tasted that, do you remember that Korean,

that small Korean can which was very cinnamony. Oh yeah. It was alright, very sweet and cinnamony. The problem is, Mountain Dew has got such a kind of flavour profile

that I find instantly repulsive. What is it? It's like artificial fruit flavour. I don't, no, you know what, I honestly don't know what the fucking hell Mountain Dew is meant to taste like.

Am I right in thinking, other than the colour green, that juicy fruit is jackfruit flavoured? Don't know. I think that's the magic behind the juices. We're just spouting facts

and we can't back him up. So anyway, I'm going to open this up. Now on the label there's a couple of edgy looking gingerbread men. Not just normal gingerbread men but proper edgy fucklords.

Do you think this was a special edition for Christmas or something like that? Well, why else would you release it? It sounds like... Are gingerbread men Christmassy? They are. Yeah, they are.

One of them's got a Christmas hat on. You always get gingerbread houses at Christmas to build and shit like that. I quite like the artwork. Who manufactures Mountain Dew? Is it PepsiCo or Coke or...

I think it's... I don't know. Hang on. Let's have a look. PepsiCo. PepsiCo, right. Yeah. Well, I do not...

It's got caffeine content as well. Yeah, that's it. No, that Mountain Dew, that's how it has modelled itself in recent years as an energy drink. As competing with Red Bull and Monster. Gatorade.

Yes. Because it's got very high caffeine content. Let's open it up and get straight in. Who does Sprite and who does 7-Up? Sprite, I think, is Coke. 7-Up is PepsiCo. I mean, I... Yeah.

Because they both are caffeine free am I right in thinking that also it tastes like shit now that even the whole sugar tax thing in the UK and it's all zero this

well I like a sort of a slightly more expensive I know it's not for the show but I know a more sort of bespoke but that's the thing I don't buy a lot of Coke these days

but if I have to I'll probably spend a little bit more and get that gusto yeah whatever it is if it's available it's not available everywhere or you get Fentimans wouldn't you oh yeah you could get that gusto. Yeah. Or whatever it is. If it's available. It's not available everywhere.

Or you'd get Fentimans, wouldn't you? Oh, yeah, you could get that. Fentimans, Cherry Cola, I like. Yeah, that's all right. Anyway. It is better than a Coke. Well, probably slightly better for you. Yeah.

So it's Dew with a blast of artificial gingerbread flavour. I'm going to crack it open. What's the huff coming off there? Oh, it smells like some kind of mouthwash. Really? Yeah, you sniff it. You know when you go to the dentist and they have a particular type of mouthwash? Here is a glass for you.

Huff it, baby. Very mouthwash-y. You know that very sort of urethamol toothpaste-y? Yeah, I think that's what you're getting at. You know when you think of red toothpaste and red mouthwash? That pink toothpaste, I don't know if anyone knows about it. It's called urethamol, I think. Yeah, it's got that kind of feel going on, hasn't it?

Medicinal, mouthwash-y, toothpaste-y. Almost like. Almost like. Almost like. What's that? Bitter. You know, the Rousse Rosso, Martini Rosso type of thing. More like a bitter liqueur. Kind of like that, isn't it?

Yes, a herby. Almost a herby sort of wintergreen. Yeah. Or menthol. That kind of, yes. Hitting all the profiles. Sort of Jägermeisterister almost herby like that yeah

sort of yes I know what you're talking about do you know what I don't actually find it that unpleasant that smell no no I don't at the moment I know you want to hate this

because you hate Mountain Dew I don't want to hate anything on this show but sometimes you know the reputation precedes them but normal Mountain Dew is going to be totally different from this

you know at least they're experimenting yeah and what we need to do I know Juicy Jeremy didn Yeah. And what we need to do, I know Juicy Jeremy didn't mention it, but we need to try that new Coke outer space stuff. Intergalactic Cola.

It's called Space. I've not found any yet. Anyway, if you do see any and you want to send it to Cheap Show. I'm getting a cookie smell more on the huff now from this. If you want to send any of that stuff to Cheap Show,

there's the PO box on our website address. Go for that. I'm getting much more of a cookie huff now. I'm getting a bready cookie huff coming through. Do you bready cookie half coming through cookie huff was the uh british blaxploitation character that never picked up shut up it is that's terrible it's not fuck off here we go down the hatch very unpleasant really just sort of no bite the cinnamon doesn't have a lot of any heat to it do you know what i mean so it just sort of stops dead stops dead in your mouth that flavor and it's got like almost a watery end yeah it dies a watery death the cinnamon it tries to be there and i'll say this i don't find it unpleasant

but it you're right the flavor is there and then it's not but it leaves the gingerbready burn afterwards a little a little bit you know what it's it's a strange frankenstein flavor between a sort of limey citrusy tang like a lemonade basically that they're putting in and then the bready sort of herby cinnamon they almost seem to be not go well together you know what it is it tastes more like someone's put gingerbread into pepsi yeah in fact that to me is what it tastes like pepsi and gingerbread that's not too. That's not too bad. Pepsi and gingerbread. That's not too bad. It's not too bad. I don't think I could finish a whole bottle of that. No.

It's not too bad. I would be generous and maybe say that's a three out of five. I'll go 2.75. But it does, yeah, it does taste like Mountain Dew with gingerbread in it. Weird. No, because Mountain Dew's got that weird, super artificial kind of, I don't even know what you want to call it. I think that the front of this, there is a Mountain Dew-y flavour. That's what I'm talking about.

That limey, that sort of artificial citrusy at the front. For me, it's more cola. It feels more cola-like. Cola with the gingerbread after. I see. I see, yeah. But specifically Pepsi cola. That very syrupy.

Yeah, yeah. It's definitely got that Pepsi, that texture. It's still not awful. And I'd much rather try and finish the bottle off than finish those seeds off. Now, Paul. Yeah. There's a very important aspect of the show. Yeah.

That has been a thread going throughout the years. And some people would say it is the pinnacle of what we do here. It's the source report. Go get it. Because we are already at half an hour. And I want to speed this up. No, you will not denigrate the source report. Or just cut it.

I'm going to insert. So you can be quick. I'm going to take the source report. I'm going to do the source report now. I don't have to go get it. The source is here. All right. We'll just be quick. And the spoons are here. Because, again, I'm going to take the source report. I'm going to do the source report now. I don't have to go get it. The source is here. All right, we'll just be quick. And the spoons are here.

Because, again, I'm half an hour. It is the most professionally successful aspect of the show ever to have existed. The source report is timeless. The source report stands above all speech. He's doing a hand plant, everyone. Right. I have the source spoons in my hand. One for you and one for me.

Now, I saw this in the shop. Where has it gone? Excuse me while I whip this out. Where has it gone? You stupid fucking useless pillock. Great. Here it is. Hurry up.

Now. I'm losing my temper. We've done lots of sauces on the show before, Paul, on the Source Report. Someone recently went and listened to an old episode of Cheap Show and they think, I've grown more grumpy and I've become less tolerant of your shit. And do you know what? They're not fucking wrong. Right.

Source Report, everyone. This is the magical, sacred, protected segment of the show where I, Eli Silverman, sauce expert of the universe, discuss, taste and produce sauce. Piri Piri, we ain't done Piri Piri before. Piri Piri is this whole class of hot sauce. And I was only first aware of Piri Piri as a sauce type, Paul,

when Nando's first arrived on our shores. What about you? Did you know about Piripiri before that? Please contribute to the source report. Here's contributing editor, Paul Gannon, everyone, with his views on Piripiri. He's not. He's refusing to talk.

Right. I'll just have to look it up on the old Googles. This will be a fun bit for you to edit. Yeah, see? It just costs you work. It costs you work. Piri Piri. It's a sauce.

It's some kind of sauce mix. Oh, God. Loads of restaurants called Piri Piri. Here we go. What is Piri Piri? It simply means pepper sauce. So, Paul, it's all it means. It's just hot

sauce it's called hot sauce in other parts don't give me the spoon back he wants me to produce sauce for him all right Paul I'll give you a spoon of this sauce yeah and then what I want I knew you're gonna need to talk and say what is how it feels for you on your mouth and stuff it's got a very saucy half on it it's not coming out what do you think of that is he not he's not talking he's taking the sauce he's just taking the sauce well I'll tell you it's got a nice very nice peppery almost tomatoey odor this very sort of a deep a smoky deep pepperiness um nice oh it's really salty oh oh that's lovely really salty salty than i imagined and that deep dry dry pepperiness and

that is the style i think when the peri peri it's lovely dry heat coming through and a lovely salty more than at vinegary although there is a vinegar thing there he's pointing at his clock he gets a strong 4.5 for me and lovely, lovely that would be, lovely sauce thanks for listening to the sauce report you're a cunt, you should have fucking said something

about the sauce mate why aren't you talking about the sauce you're like a child right well thank you for listening to Cheap Show, and we're going to move on to our next segment of the show. Now, everyone likes to play It's the Price of Shite, so join us after the sound effect. You fucking arsehole.

Piri Piri Sauce came from Portugal, and it uses bird's eye cheese. Hello, welcome back to Cheat Show. It is time for The Price of Shite with its theme tune that Eli's going to do for us now. Eli, please take it away with The Price of Shite theme tune. Oh, Piri Piri came from Portugal. Piri Piri from Portugal. And that's right.

If you value your job. All right, I'll do it. I strongly suggest that you do as you're told or i report you to hr okay and you know that paul's a fucking cunt in hr i don't want to see him again he's got terrible odor you know and you don't want to be mean to people about it do you but it's just it's this smell of fucking garbage coming out of every like just his mouth his mouth, everything. He's got an illness. That means he can't control his body scent. And sometimes, because of his fat content,

it comes out in a kind of burnt tyre garbage smell, sweat, right? So that's another thing I'm going to mark you down now for, taking the mickey out of someone with an ailment. So just keep on going, you insensitive fuck. Jesus Christ. Now, do you want to go over us again? I'll do the fucking song, all right? Or do you want to go see Paul and HR?

I don't want to go see him. I will send you to Paul and HR. I really don't want to go see him, mate. Right. Okay? It's fucking miles up anyway. Yeah. It's like a bloody tower up there.

I shouldn't call it the HR office. I call it the fucking, the HR lighthouse. The infinite lighthouse. On the 13th floor. Where all the admin is for Cheap Show on the 13th floor where all the admin is for Cheap Show on the 13th floor certainly is

I prefer hanging out outside the underneath the podcast some fine wines down there that's where all the dirty dirty characters hang out though isn't it in the car park

under the building yeah playing jacks they do play jacks they've got their own version of it yeah I know it's called jacks off

yeah good Poindexter's here hello Poindexter now we've we've agreed They've got their own version of it. Yeah, I know. It's called Jack's Off. Yeah, good. Poindexter's here. Hello, Poindexter. Now, we've agreed we're seeing other people. So don't worry about that. Is it an open relationship? Yes, Poindexter will.

Yes, I've already told you it's purely consensual. So would you mind if I Poindexter out? You will never touch Poindexter. It's not up to Poindexter, not you, is it? No, it's not. You just said you've got an open relationship. Well, that's what I say. So why can't I go see Poindexter it's not up to Poindexter not you is it no it's not you just said you've got an open relationship that's what I say so why can't I go see Poindexter

because I control all of Poindexter's comings and goings well then that's not really an open relationship then is it anyone else apart from you I wouldn't mind so it's just me

only you because you think I'll show him a good time and he'll run off with me because you realise I'll love him and treat him right and not just fucking

wear his fur out on my groin rivet I'm going to put him on my pants right now if he's not careful well he can't because he realised I'll love him and treat him right and not just fucking wear his fur out on my groin rivet. I'm going to put him in my pants right now. Well he can't because he needs to do the

theme... Oh god. Don't put Poindexter in your cock pants. You asked for it. No.

I felt all your talk of going out with Poindexter has made me feel insecure. So I have to reignite, restructure our relationship. He's have to reignite, restructure

our relationship. He's going to live down there for the next two weeks. By gagging him with your cock mound in your trouser department. He's face down in the cock mound.

Face down in the cock mound. Face down in the mound. Look, he can stick his head right under the gooch and shout along to Bob Holness

at the back there. Yeah, nice little chuck. And he's illuminated because shout along to Bob Holness at the back there. Yeah, you have a nice little chuck. And he's illuminated because of the holiness of Holness's hole. It's the fucking Price of Shite. It's the fucking Price of Shite. Oh, I want to do that! It's the fucking Price of Shite. Oh, no, it's gone on from that.

You're now in Poindexterland, so whatever we've moved on. I'm not in Poindexterland. He's very much in Eli Silvermanland. Goochland. Now. Yeah, Mound. Yeah, Moundland. Yeah, Swampland.

He's in Eli's Swampland. Isn't Eli Swampland? Oh, it's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. Oh, it's the fucking price of shite. And that's right. It's the price of shite, mate. This comes from Ash.

Thank you, Ash. Eli and Paul, I've been listening to your podcast for a while now, having discovered it during lockdown and deciding to binge every episode. Oh, Ash. Oh, Ash. Even we've not done that. No, we refuse to on principle. What's the principle we refuse to? Never look back. Never look back.

Always look forward. Always look forward. And repeat what we do on a weekly basis. Now I am up to date, I thought I would send this to you as a thank you for all the hours of entertainment you have given me. Thank you. I have a price of shite for you. Details below.

And I also enclosed a gift for each of you that may appeal to your tastes. Once again, thank you for all that you do and I look forward to listening for many years to come. Lovely, lovely.

Thank you, Ash. Yes, we got two gifts from him. You got a album, a vinyl album which is uh a recording of all of the moon landing stuff yeah which is i bet i bet if you got really fucking wrecked stoned and turn the lights out and just listen to that i bet that'd be quite a nice experience yeah i quite like the sound of that stuff it's nice record all of that stuff yeah but they're talking about going to the moon. We're going to the moon.

I like that. I like found footage audio. Houston, we found the moon. You know, there's a whole... We found the moon. Paul, there's people who collect and swap... Planets. ...those messages on trains. You know the person when you go on a train journey?

There's a guy who goes, man, there's sandwiches. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll be doing this. Those messages on trains. What do you mean? Where do they get them from? People like, you get them

because there's old trains used to have tapes and they'd be taped by people. Pre-recorded stuff. It's like a thing. They're quite hard to come by, obviously, because they're not recorded a lot. No, it's just live, though, isn't it?

They're quite desirable in certain circles. Houston, we're on the moon. We're on the moon. We're landing on the moon, Houston. Houston, we got a problem. Did Jimmy Biscuits go to the moon? He did go to the moon.

It's an unknown fact that him and fucking Tony Harris or something went to the fucking moon. Now, Poindexter's warmed up. Now, he didn't like what you were saying, okay? He didn't say anything. He needs to fulfill his role today. It's nice to have a role let's not forget the protector of the betwings and what are betwings paul so now i have to put

between the things we win betwings are the points in this game so now i have to put a piss stained teddy bear on our answers because as he because ash has sent an envelope with the pranzas on but wait before we go any further you got an album i. I got... What did you get? I haven't seen your gift. Two cassettes. Ooh. By Rainbow Stories. Ooh. Real Ghostbusters, Cold Cash and Hot Water,

and Adventures in Slime and Space. Both Real Ghostbusters tapes. And would they have been sold with a sort of picture book? Usually they come with a picture book as well, but these are without... Oh, Cold Cash and Hot Water is from a season 2 episode episode 39 so Peter's father

Charles is working in Alaska and unearths an Inuit statue which holds a powerful demon called Hob Anarkarak called Hob Anarkarak

who the Eskimos called the first demon that's what Cold Cash and Hot Water is all about problematic and it looks a bit like slightly it looks a bit like

a kind of HP Lovecraftian kind of creature yes very Lovecraftian yeah eventually Slime in Space is that one that fucks me off

Slimer goes through a machine and then becomes millions of little Slimers then they all join back together I think I remember that one and become one big Slimer it's a very Slimer

centric episode isn't it the number of episodes of the real Ghostbusters that start with Slimer doing something he shouldn't and releasing something well he's a big yeah he's a big character

he was a much bigger character than in any of the films, wasn't he? Well, yeah, he wasn't even really a character in the film. Anyway, here are the price of answers. And here's Poindexter. Poindexter is nice and warm. Yes. He has reignited a deep and truly beautiful thing

between me and him. And there he sits. Yeah. Guarding the Petwings. And those are the points that we... We strive for. We strive for betwings on this game. So, all items were purchased

from a Nottingham charity shop. The total price of all five items... Ceiling item... Is £4.70. £4.70 is the total price. And the prices are... That's not a ceiling. That is the actual full price.

Oh, yeah, I guess it would be. Which we shouldn't think about because then we'll try and price. And the prices are in the second half. That's not a ceiling. That is the actual full price. Oh, yeah, I guess it will be. Which we shouldn't think about because then we'll try and add up all the prices. I never really think about it anyway. I just kind of go with my gut. If it goes over or under, we'll see. But see, now you'll know that you're wrong somewhere, that you wouldn't have got full for 20

unless it all adds up to 470. Well, let's find out how we go, all right? I'm going to try and add up all my answers to 470, Paul. So the first one is a big one. We'll get it out the way because we're not going to play it and it's big. But, bloody hell,

they got me a board game. It's the Mummy animated TV series board game. Search for the Amulet or whatever the fuck it's called. But here it is. Look, it's an interesting board game because it's based on the animated series which you'd never heard of, had you?

There's a box there. Yes box there's a box there yes there's a box there you know what fuck this i forgot to bring it i forgot to bring it i'm sorry i know i'm an actor and everything i forgot to bring it i forgot to bring it so what i didn't want to bring it no i forgot to bring fuck you don't pour salt on this wound i was going for it you should have just played along when i said there's a box there yeah no that's good mate when you go all right there's a box you couldn't act at all could you say oh it's an interesting box it looks like this what are these characters all right you showed me one quick flash on your phone. And then I showed you the picture of the box. Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Right. But it's a terrible game as well as looking shit. Is that what you're saying? No, because last night I looked to have a look at it. And it's definitely interesting. I think it's honestly just someone's idea for a board game that they slapped the mummy license on top of. But it is based on the animated series.

Do you think there could be other games with different skins? Because skins because basically i mean other versions of the same game with different skins yeah because the game is basically like a kind of hide and seek game right so the idea is you've got six characters and they all have different cards and you've got to answer the clues to move up the board to get to the center and the center wins this amulet of internal life i do not recall the animated show that this is based on so it's made it's based after the second film and the idea is like their kid that's grown up a little bit gets an amulet stuck to his wrist by accident and that gives him powers but then it means the mummy's after him and so it's like that was the last time universal was successful with any of their

monsters wasn't it uh long story short yeah yeah because when that film came out the mummy evan was like what have you done to this classic horror film it's like oh you've made it fun like an Indiana Jones film and it stands up on its own they changed the genre cleverly didn't they

and I think it still kind of works as a kind of nice PG horror with a nice Indiana Jonesy stuff yeah adventure horror it's not pure horror by any means

well compared to the Tom Cruise one it shows you what yeah did you see the Tom Cruise one yeah yeah it took a while for me to get through it would it be fair to say that you're a compared to the Tom Cruise one it shows you what yeah did you see the Tom Cruise one yeah yeah it took a while for me to get through

it because I found it would it be fair to say that you're a fan of the original Universal Monsters yeah some of them are better than others you know

I don't particularly care for Dracula but I like Frankenstein and Bride of Frankenstein I like the Wolfman and Wolfman's alright and Invisible Man came a few fair years

later after all but he's still considered and so is Creature from the Black Lagoon yeah even so is Creature from the Black Lagoon. Yeah, even though the Creature from the Black Lagoon was one of the last proper Universal. And I think there are other sort of second-tier ones. Yeah, there's things like The Black Cat

with Boris Karloff and things, which are strictly speaking under that license, but don't really count. I see. But anyway, the money turned into an animated series, and this is some merchandise. And again, the core clues that you get are unique to each character.

And as you turn them over it's like here is a room that you won't forget you'll go in there to get wet what's the room and you go bathroom bathroom then you win the card I think they why did

they choose the mummy to start with the relaunch because the mummy surely sort of culturally speaking it's a bit you mean problematic now because of the whole Egyptology

in the way basically that it was linked with colonialism and us stealing the treasures and all way basically that it was linked with colonialism and us stealing the treasures and all of that and it's all sort of linked with that

so why would it be the first one you think of to relaunch the whole thing wouldn't you just say let's not do a version of the mummy in the 90s because Frankenstein

you could do no no do you mean in the 90s or do you mean recently with Tom Cruise recently with Tom Cruise well because they wanted to do the Marvel thing

it just seems so misguided no no it makes more sense to the mummy because like they want to do a dark universe like Marvel but with all their monsters right on cruise well because it just seems so misguided no no it makes more sense to the mummy because like they want to do a dark universe like marvel but with all their monsters right so why not begin with a with a type that's already been successful i see so they looked at the brendan fraser one that work we'll just make it modern and edgy yeah and we'll start tying in this whole cult thing where it's all they're collecting monsters i guess yeah i can see that and you

can see it sort of like it would be the oldest of the monsters and there's a league of... I can see that and you can see it would be the oldest of the monsters. Strictly speaking, they had done Dracula Before the Mummy because originally there's a film called Dracula Unborn. Did that ever come out? Yeah, it came out a year before the mummy. Did it?

Yeah. Was it a big block? Big budget. Have you ever heard of it? No. Exactly. Anyway, besides the point, this is the board game version of the kids show I have to think of a price think of a price for this nice and big

imaginary no you've seen the picture it's a nice big board game I don't know you've really seen this you could just be making this shit up how do I know

where are the prices can I open the prices they're in the envelope yes Poindexter you tell me he's guarding them with his

his muffy head yeah his wee wee smelling snout what kind of guess the price when was this game made I don't know I need to hold things

in my hand to feel the girth the weight the grain late 90s late 90s it's a late 90s board game and it's just a board

in a charity shop yeah and everything's cardboard there's no moving metal pieces what condition are we talking about it's all split up the sides the box no it's in nice condition

okay I promise you that it's complete is it yeah okay it's just nice condition. Okay. I promise you that. It's complete, is it? Yeah. Okay. It's just one of those board games where everything's cardboard, even the play pieces.

It's cheap. It wouldn't have been a... 470 total. How many items do we have today? Five. Wow. That is cheap, isn't it? Yeah.

I go first this time then. Is that what you want to say? Go on. Five items. They're all under a quid. Yes. Is this the biggest item? Yeah, considerably. Five items. They're all under a quid. Yes. Is this the biggest item? Yeah, considerably.

It's the biggest because it's a board game. I'm going to say a quid then. All right. Can I say a quid? You can say whatever you want. I'll say a quid. We can change these answers after, yeah? You'll guess first on the next item.

Yes. I'm going to go ahead and say that it is... I'll go more. 150. 150. Now, shall we remind everyone of how the points are pointed

do we know what system Ash is using is he using the classic classic on the nose two betwings 25p out either way

the final price one betwing so you've decided to go more than 25p either way of my guess of a quid have you well I just think

it's a bit more expensive that's it well you you're throwing away an easy betwing there if I'm right yeah but as I say it's £4 something for the lot

so what did you say £1.50 alright well okay I think you should I just think it's more than a quid mark my word

I think you should say £1.25 either way I think strategically you're not playing the game to the best of your right well either way I still think it's more than a quid okay so you said £1.50

fine alright I might be wrong great next item alright can I get to hold this in my hand? It's a physical

thing I remember to bring. Oh, this is nice. That's a new catchphrase for Paul. It's a physical thing you remember to bring. This is Chillers for Christmas. It's a collection of ghost stories set around Christmas. Hardback book edited by Richard Dalby. It's got a nice I've just borrowed this from the local library filter.

It really has, doesn't it? Cheap. Cheap. Oh, pictures for all these items. It's a book of short stories. Pictures for all these items will be on the website, thecheapshow.co.uk.

Shall I read a bit from the inside? Yeah, go on then. At Christmas time, said the stranger in the chimney corner, folks seem to think themselves privileged

to ask other folks to tell them stories. Arm yourself with the seasonally gripping stories contained in chillers for Christmas and you will never be at a loss when gathered round the flickering hearth on a Christmas Eve,

someone suggests, the traditional Christmas tale. That's bullshit. You don't tell ghost stories at Christmas, do you? No, you do. It's kind of a thing, mostly because I think of M.R. James and A Christmas Carol. Think about it, the most famous Christmas story of all is a ghost story. I guess, yeah. So it kind of makes sense.

It's maybe a British thing more than anything else. This was published by Michael O'Mara Books and in a sleeve jacket, on the jacket. Yeah. What's that called, that? Uh, sleeve? Margins. On the sleeve at the back. Yeah.

It says also available. Yeah. From Michael O'Mara Books. So it must have sold because they've got lots of titles. Ghosts for Christmas. Yeah. Murder for Christmas oh god Murder at the Opera

Murder Takes a Holiday and Country House Murders so they've basically gone to death little crime short story imprint that's so chillers

this to me also has the feel of them using stories where they don't have to pay the author or their estate because they're out of... The first story on the back listed is

a Rudyard Kipling story, so they probably don't have to pay copyright on that because it was over 100 years or whatever it used to be. Or minimal fees at all. So very cheap. Very much like a book you'd find in a pub when you're on holiday in Devon. Do you know what I mean? I do like the cover of

the Christmas tree, the kind of snowman drawing. holiday in Devon. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? I do like the cover of the Christmas tree, the kind of snowman drawing. You know, the walking in the air. It's got that kind of... Raymond Briggs feel. It's feel, but it's a skeleton's hand on the couch looking at the fireplace. Yeah, it's kind of cheesy and kind of fun, yeah.

And who have you got? You've got... What names of note? George Manville, Fen. They're all ancient, aren't they? Arthur Conan Doyle. Roger Kipling, we mentioned. That's about it. John Gladbury. I bet they're all ancient, aren't they? Or Conan Doyle. Roger Kipling, we mentioned. That's about it.

Or John Gladbury. I bet they're all sort of... Roger Johnson. They sound to me like they're all like late Victorian. So maybe they're not all horror stories.

Maybe they are kind of thrillers and chillers like spooky stories. They're chillers, yeah. It brings together 27 deliciously spined chilling tales set in locations

as diverse as India, France and Somerset and spanning over a century of storytelling but all are united by their Christmas theme. I think it's unfair on Halloween that Christmas also gets to do ghosts.

Well, that's why we have the nightmare before Christmas, isn't it? That's the halfway house between the two. But how much do you think it is? That's my go. It's your go, Paul. Sit and listen to him trying to cheat on this. Trying to get the edge. 75p.

And I will go for 50p. 75p, 50 will go for 50p 75p 50p next item can i hold it in my hand is it a real thing that you've remembered to bring no it is it's a thing i've remembered to bring this is a envelope and it has a picture of an elephant as a coat hanger. Sort of the do not disturb sign. But it says poo not disturb. And it's sort of portraying the elephant's back end is facing towards us. Yeah. But there's a reason why it says poo. Because all those coat hangers are made from recycled elephant dung.

They are shit. I mean, they're literally made of shit. Oh, really? I mean, not like... They've been processed and treated like... They smell nice and cardboardy. Yeah, like recycled cardboard and stuff. These are do-not-disturb hangers shaped like elephants.

It's hard to describe what they are. They're do-not-disturb hangers shaped like elephants, and they're all for when you're in the shitter, Paul. Would you do that, though? I mean, maybe if you have a house share and you don't have a lock on the toilet door. Imagine you moved into a new house share and you they'd be like sorry it's not working out some reasons look well let's go through yeah but for some reason imagine going to a house

seeing that and goes why is he hung on the kitchen door it's not okay basically these are little hangers to let people know you're in the in the business chamber doing the business yeah so one says what but the first one says in the lo chamber doing the business. Yeah. One says what? The first one says, in the loo, doing the poo. Doing the poo? Yeah. Like a dance? No, as in doing the poo to end all poos. Oh, right.

Okay. The second one is, on the phone, at the throne. All right. Good. Ha, ha, ha. Then we have poo not disturb. Which is fine. Poo not disturb's classic.

Which is what they advertise on the cover with The envelope Then we have the simple yet effective Poop in progress Use these hangers to make your time in the loo Precious and peaceful What the fuck Just to stop people trying the door

But is it if you don't have a lock Do you know what I mean You want to try and avoid people knowing that you're shitting it seems like you wouldn't this is a terrible novelty item that shouldn't exist oh i'm in a crappy situation and lastly poop in progress a set of five hangers for the loo made from the best ever elephant poo well there you there you go. They are awful. How much are they? Awful, awful, awful. But how much are they? 75. Okay, 75.

I'm on a bit of a purple streak in terms of this game, by the way. All right. Completely. When we did that pass the parcel version, I owned you ass. I'm going to say a quid. And also the sock game.

God, that gave me pleasure listening back to me beating you at the sock game after you'd had a go at my fingers paul all right good no well done all right right i've said a quid for that you said a quid for that yeah next item is this another one that isn't real no it's a real thing that i remembered to bring oh this is a cassette tape yeah nessie and the history of loch ness written by alan by Alan Campbell-McLean. Spoken by Ian Cuthbertson. And it's from a company called House of Scotland. This is a terrible

tourist item. I can't have wished we'd listened to it actually now before we got started. Let's see what it says on the inside matter. Ooh. There's a nice little map of the Loch Ness area. There's a nice little map of the Loch Ness area printed on the inside. I've taken pictures of all of these already. They're on the website. So yeah, have a look at this cassette. It looks like it's half kind of history

of the Loch and half history of Nessie. Yeah. And areas nearby. It says on here, the story of Loch Ness from historic times to the present day, told by Ian Cuthbertson. A tour around Loch Ness in sound reveals much of the daily life. I reckon this is going to be excellent. Mate, shall we take a quick break and have a listen?

Sure. Alright, we're going to take a quick listen. That way we can judge it fairly. The undoubted aura around Loch Ness has drawn some strange people to its shores. Alistair Crowley, the great beast, high priest of the occult, was one. The great beast once lived in Boleskine House, now owned by Jimmy Page,

lead guitarist of the rock group Led Zeppelin. Jimmy's associate, Malcolm Dent, tells a strange tale of mystery and magic. Jimmy Page bought Boleskine House because he has a very strong interest in Crowley and in magic. He's been very interested in magic and that sort of thing since almost since I've known him, and that's since I was 11 years old. And I think he was into magic before he picked up a bloody guitar.

Boleskine, really, he had had his eye on, and when it came on the market, he naturally snapped it up. It was sort of part of the collection, although it's a very nice retreat too. Crowley bought the place for a specific purpose, which was to conduct a magical ceremony called the Abramel Inn you weren't supposed to do but being Crowley he decided he was going to do it was very dangerous sort of ceremony to do with evoking your guardian angel but to do this you had to bring forth all the evil spirits and all the rest of it, which he claimed to have done here, just outside that door.

They came in through there. At the time, it was incredibly isolated here. I know that you had to come here by steamer on the loch. There was always stories about some of these spirits were still knocking around the place. I must admit, it was pretty weird when I first came here. The whole house was a bit strange. There were, I suppose you'd call them ghosts or spirits or something, inhabiting the place.

There's one real famous one, Simon Lord Lovett, the man who was beheaded after the 45. The story goes that he was beheaded and his head used to inhabit this house. And it did. I mean, the head rolls in the house. Crowley wrote about it, and I've heard it. When I first came here, I used to do a lot of writing. And I used to sit up at night, sometimes in this room and sometimes in the other room down the hall there, till about three or four in the morning.

And I used to hear this damn thing rolling up and down the corridor outside. And, I mean, I've never heard rolling up and down the corridor outside. I mean, I've never heard a head rolling along the floor, but this is what I imagine a head would have sounded like. It's stopped now. It doesn't seem to happen anymore. Although I got a bed earlier.

So we just had a little listen to it. Quite well produced. Quite well produced. Quite in-depth as well. Yeah, we thought it was going to be like, they built a city, a little township here in 1412. It's like, no, in the beginning of time. It went back to the beginning of time.

It was like really... The Earth ruptured. Yeah. So a very in-depth sort of history of the geological formation of the Loch, I guess. And then it goes into... Like interviews with people, like apparently Jimmy Page's mate. We've actually just put that in, so guess. And then it goes into... Like, interviews with people like, apparently, Jimmy Page's mate. We've actually just put that in

so we can talk about it. But yeah, he owned the house that Alistair Crowley used to have sex magic to try and open some big... To summon his guardian angel. The last podcast on the left did a really good three-part episode

breakdown of Crowley. And it goes into a lot more detail there. But effectively, he broke a man's mind with bum sex. Yeah. Basically doing this magic. He did. He certainly did. He was a power bottom.

He was. Yeah. The power bottom. He might have been the most powered bottom. Of all time. Of all time. The devil powered his bottom. No.

And then they've got other parts of this. The experts, the geologists and things. They have first-person accounts of of spottings of the monster. Oh, I saw the monster back in the day. So it's quite an interesting thing, actually. I was sitting there on my boat. Wait, I'm doing a story. Oh, I was out there on the rock in my wee boat going fishing

when all of a sudden the clouds seemed to just disappear and it was a spooky night. Not a single sand was being made, no it gosh, my glock, my galagosh. Cut to the end, it's a huge jobby. It was a huge jobby, it was a huge jobby. It was just a huge jobby.

Okay. Old Paddy all the way there, dropped his kegs and what I thought was the giant neck of a beast was just a jobby. Now, see, it works. It works. This castle thing, what's that? Castle.

On the cover. Lock, I don't know. That's not the house. That's not Crowley's house. It's not Crowley's house. It's not Crowded House either. No. No, it doesn't look much like Crowded House.

Anyway, how much do you think that was? That lovely cassette, which I think, if you were driving around Scotland in the 80s, when was that made, does it say? 1990. Okay, if you're in your car driving around Loch Ness and you put that in

while you're driving around, that'd be great to listen to, I think. Or a little Walkman as you're doing a walk. It is, it's well produced and it's a nice little thing actually, Paul.

I think it's a nice little thing. Nice little piece of ephemera, that. And you know what, we don't often have cassettes come along on Cheap Show, but that's the kind of stuff we should look forward it's nice to listen to the nice that i've got my yamaha i've got a very nice uh oh yeah when you put the uh noise reduction on you really got rid of that hiss didn't you i really did and it sounded a lot more robust and full and rich

it's nice that it's got touch buttons at yamaha the only thing that's wrong with it is the uh the loading tray is actually snapped yeah so you sometimes have to fiddle about this before okay i've had twice now. This might be the third time. Now, Paul, the other thing I wanted to mention is it's all died down, the whole Nessie thing,

hasn't it now? The whole monster thing. I mean, it's still Paul's... Didn't they do some major surveys with like sonar and they found fuck all? Yeah, there's no way. Proper computerized swims.

There's no way. There's anything down there. Well, they say, well, maybe it swims out and comes back in. It was like, well, no. You can hear the boats and the guy swims out

yeah but we can't do that because apparently like it's either above or below sea level which means it means things can't swim in and

out of it basically I see it's something like that I can't remember all the details yeah because it's not connected

it's not connected to the sea directly and whatever streams or small caves do directly are way too small for a

big beast like Nessie's to go through like Nessie's supposed to be so you know so you think pretty definitively bollocks. But it doesn't mean, it's like, well, it doesn't stop people going,

Disneyland, no, Mickey Mouse isn't real, does it? You know, it's all part of the... Yeah, but I remember when I was growing up, like even into the 90s, it was like, it could exist. It was on the table. Because... All that magic's gone from the world now, Paul, isn't it? Well, it's because we film a lot more of the world,

and as a result, we know a lot more of the world isn't as exciting as we think. So think about it. The last time it was popular in the 90s was when X-Files came through. And all of a sudden, people were back into cryptozoology and aliens and ghosts. And mysterious, unexplained phenomena.

And then you get another spike. There was a huge spike then, wasn't there? Then you get another spike about 10, 15 years ago when there's a boom of shows like Most Haunted and Ghost Hunting. And you do big hookups. Do you think it'll come it comes in cycles you think it'll keep coming in cycles um paranormal sort of uh interest all it takes is like a show or a movie to suddenly spark people's interest in the supernatural and then loch ness gets another wave of tourists for a bit who guessed

the last price uh so it'd be uh one two three so it's my turn to start this time thank you i'm gonna say that's 25p i'll go i'll go 35p 35p 40p sorry 40p 40p vinyl offer 40p 40p all right okay cool and then the last item is something i've forgotten it is a so what it's a real it's not really here you forgot it what's the opposite that right we can't cheer because it's not really here yeah that'll do yeah right so I'm trying to think of something better

but actually that will do so yeah this was a map a laminated map of Bangkok which in itself is just a load of it sounds like such a euphemism

what's it laminated with spank yeah the glist the glist of spliff the glist of spliff right The glist of spliff. Right. It comes down the window.

So it is a small laminated map of the tourist points in Bangkok. I've got a couple. I have one of LA. Of LA.

Yeah. It's smaller than that. Right. But did you see my one of New York? It's like a credit card that folds out. Did you see my one

of Manhattan? Yeah. All the museums in Manhattan which is from the 80s. It's very much a yuppie-ish sort of item

yeah gold with funny gold sort of margins I think this can fit in a wallet or in a coat pocket so it's easily you know usable

but it's what it is it's fine but it's not remarkable now what have I said my prices so far £1 for the mummy board game 50p for the chiller book 75p for the poo cards 40p for Loch Niller book, 75p for the Poo cards,

40p for Loch Ness, and then you've got the map. So I think you've just got over £3 altogether, I think, now on this. Can I change my scores, please? Go on. The map. The board game I'd like to put up to £1.75.

£1.75, yes. Yeah, and 90p for the map. 90p for the map. Yeah. I'm going to go with, for the map, 50p. 50p. Keep saying it. It's going to go with for the map 50p. 50p. He's saying it.

It's going to be fucking wrong, isn't it? I don't know. 50p. Is it time? Poindexter, release your points. Oh,

the must of Poindexter's crotch. You've done a good job again this week, Poindexter. Well done, Poindexter. You get special punishment. Butt rubs. Naked butt rubs. Shouldn't it be called

nubbishment or something? It's proper nubbishment. Give them nubbishment. Now, I'm opening the envelope. Right. It looks like it's been un-messed with, Paul. Yes, it was sealed. You have the answers there.

So you read them out in order, and I'll just read them out in terms of what we've got written down here, all right? Because we didn't have an order when we pulled them out of the bag. I'm not liking the look of this already. All right, okay. So we'll start with the first one. What's the first one on the list? The mummy board game.

Okay, you said 175. I said 150. See, I'm playing this good. All right. The price was? Yeah. Between, between, £1.50. Hey!

Between, but that gives you one as well, doesn't it? Yeah, see, that's because I play stratego. No, because you... I'm still in with a chance, even though you've got one on the nose. So, if you missed that and kept with one pound,

you'd have been betwingless. I totally would. So it was because you bottled it that you had to change it. Yeah. Well,

I know how to play this game. All right, next one. What have you got? The Christmas Horror Book. Christmas Horror Book. Yeah, good.

Okay, that was next. You said 50p. I said 75. 50p. Oh! Between me, we're neck and neck. Oh, yeah, I've got a betp. I said 75. 50p. Oh. Between me, we're neck and neck. Oh, yeah, I've got a between.

Three betwinks each. This is a thrilling denouement. Nice start. We're both scoring high here. All right. Next is what? The not present map book. Okay, the map.

You said 90p. I said 50p. What? One pound. Oh. I get a betwing because it's within 25p. Oh, I'm edging you. What have you got?

Four versus three. I'm rim-jobbing you now. I'm edging you out. Come on. Don't do Jimmy Sample. I'm not. That wasn't what I was doing. It was.

It was verging on Sample. It was more chimpanzee in the zoo. Also not good, Paul. Why? They shouldn't be in zoos. They're wild animals with intelligence and sentience, okay? Yeah, but I fuck them. Yes, thank you

Willy Wanker. Still hanging around, are you? Oh yeah, you never know when you're needed for a crap animal fuck gag. Yes, you never do. You never, never do. Next is what? What have you got next? Little shite poo signs. Okay. Which are the elephant, the worst item of today. Yes, considerably. Even though they're

recycling something. Yeah, which is fine but they're recycling worst item of today yes even though they're you know they're recycling something yeah which is fine but the cycling for another useless that is totally useless anyone who used that would be would come down in the respect of anyone yeah you knew them do you know what i mean move out of that flat you would you totally instantly it'd be the poo signs the little i'm having a shit sign i mean who would advertise that anyway Anyway. I'm having a shit. Did it smell bad? Yes, it smelled like egg. Anyway, you said 75p, I said a quid. For the literal shit poo signs, the survey said £1.50. Oh, neither then for us. That's a lot of money for that.

That's the same price as the board game. So it comes down to the last one, the lock, nest, cassette. I think there might be a fucking tiebreaker. Well. What did you say? You said 40p I said 25 we both earn a between

because the Loch Ness cassette Paul was 20p oh unfair for you but I still get in within the between 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

1, 2, 3, 4 you win by one between but it wasn't the fucking shit show you thought it was going to be, did you, though? I am on fucking fire now. Give me all my per twings. We both did well here.

We both did. I'm happy to voice your per twings. I would like to have four per twings now. Per twing, per twing, per twing, per twing. And five for me, please. And here is your five. Per twing, per twing, per twing, per twing, per twing. That's the winning per twing.

That's the one that makes the difference. Yeah, it certainly does. Poindexter, kiss me. Oh, fucking nowing, pit-wing. That's the Winnie Pit-twing. That's the one that makes the difference. Yeah, it certainly does. Poindexter, kiss me. Oh, fucking don't grab him! No! Stop! He's Gooch of Beauty, Poindexter. He's getting a gob full of Gooch.

Oh, no. I tell you what, Poindexter, would you like to meet Bob Holness directly? He's stuffing it down his trousers. I'm giving him an... Oh, Poindexter, here's a bone for you. Oh, no. I'm putting in my Poindexter as a bone for you oh no oh no

take Poindexter out I'm riding his face I'm literally riding his face right now oh I'm good and I'm spent

goodbye goodbye goodbye and I'm knackered that's the end of this week's show again the live show

August 13th Harrow Arts Centre Saturday come and join us tickets are on sale now harrowarts.com or go to our website thecheapshow.co.uk

where we've got links to that our Patreon the merch pages for ourselves Tony and Events Magazine links to episodes with pictures and videos if necessary Patreons get ticket discounts.

They do. They get a discount. So if you're a Patreon, patreon.com forward slash cheap show and you're going to get some goodies. And Aven's just confirmed that she will do a special 300th edition. Magazine. So we are blessed. And as I said on Twitter, if you come to the live show, we won't be having a merch

table because we just don't have the time or the people to help us. So we're going to agree to sign anything you buy from any of the merch sites so from tony or magazine from event our simple merch site with the logo on that's all you need if you buy it and you bring it we'll sign it it is that simple after the show um what else no that's it i will keep it short this week do you want a little update on Poindex's smell level? Facebook we're on. We're on Instagram for pictures of the episodes from the week. And also Twitter, at The Cheap Show Pod.

I am at Paul Gannon's show and Eli is... Eli Snoid, which is spelled E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. But for everything else, go to the metadata in this podcast or go to thecheapshow.co.uk. That's your one-stop shop for everything. And now let's end the episode with Eli reviewing Poindex's hoof. He smells like heaven, Paul. Does he?

Yeah. Because funnily enough, my boxer shorts are called heaven. Are they? Yeah. Is that a brand? Yeah, heaven brand. Is that the one where there's a pocket for your mobile phone? You can put your Zippo lighter in.

Really? You can put your keys in the other one. And the front one, you can keep a little biscuit. And I put a jammy dodger in right and then what it gets I don't know

I've got nothing you have nothing I want to end this as soon as possible because I'm beginning to like mentally white out and it's really strange

you always do you know I think you have dyslexia of the brain I'm not getting I'm not getting an ADHD diagnosis from you Dr.

Silverman well my dad was a doctor. He is a doctor. Not a real doctor. He's a PhD. He's a titty biscuit doctor of nonsense land. Titty biscuit doctor? Of nonsense land, yeah.

Let's do that. Let's just play that out, okay? Hello, I've come for an appointment. Hello. I'm the titty biscuit doctor, yes. And I've got a problem. What is your problem? Yes.

Well, I have drugs abuse and I smoke too much weed and it gets sometimes in the way of my daily routine. Sometimes I put stuff off for so long, I don't do anything but smoke during the day and then I have more work the next day to get through, which causes my anxiety to spring up, which in turn makes me smoke more. And as a result, I'm stuck in this loop of smoking

and avoiding work and feeling shit about myself on a daily basis. I have to keep busy. Otherwise, any moment I have alone I go into a deep, dark depression because I don't want to face the reality of my brain. So as a result I struggle. Do you have the payment? Yes. One titty biscuit?

Yes, here's the biscuit. Right. Help me. Cheer up. Fucking hell! More characters like this next week on the show that just doesn't quit. Yes, next week. Why not join us for a new episode

of Gapus Maximus and Bob Wholeness. What was his name? Metus Wholeness or something. Metus Wholeness. Whatever it is. We'll be back next week for more Cheap Show Fun and Games.

We'll see you then. Tattie bye. Tattie bye. Bye now. I really enjoyed that peri-peri sauce, and I would give it, for its robust flavour, sharp tang and lovely chilli aftertaste, a solid 4.5.