CheapShow - Ep 280: Nasty Shanties

Episode Date: May 6, 2022

It’s a packed podcast this week as Paul and Eli dive into a range of unusual books and even weirder novelty records! In “Paul’s Page Turners” the gents briefly judge a book by its cover, absorb the wit of 50-year-old toilet graffiti and find out why coffins once had to have armed bodyguards! Sadly, Paul finds room to add a new character. Eli remains unimpressed. Later in the show, “Silverman’s Platter” unearths a strange old 7-inch record recorded by proud Bristolians from the 1970s. There is also the strange case of a rare promotional book and record that not only gives us an odd adventure with Captain Birdseye, but also a collection of frozen food themed shanties. Expect some really bad singing and bloody awful CheapShow tainted shanties. Sadly, Paul finds room to add another new character. Eli is impressed. Eventually! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-280-nasty-shanties Tickets for LIVE SHOW on August 13th: Episode 300 Live https://harrowarts.com/whats-on/event/cheapshow-300-live For Information on travel and accommodation for CS300 https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/cheapshow-300-show-info And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Oh, and you can NOW listen to Urinevision 2021 on Bandcamp... For Free! Enjoy! https://cheapshowpodcast.bandcamp.com/album/urinevision-2021-the-album MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

don't fuck with me I've never seen that before you break a record ooh I could break a record just give me a minute he's trying to break a record on his head now and it's not working

and I'm now just watching a man smash a record in his face it's a real bendy one try a harder one perhaps this will be more brittle yeah try a brittle one no keep trying though

this is fun for me there's not enough brittle ones here this will do it this is going to work it's already got a break in more brittle. Yeah, try a brittle one. No. Keep trying though. This is fun for me. There's not enough brittle ones here. This will do it. This is going to work. It's already got a break in. It's been fixed. Blam!

Yeah, but it had a crack in anyway. It was fixed. Come on. Fixed. Welcome to Cheap Show. I'm Eli Silverman. No, we're not doing a podcast in that level.

Oh, I'm at that level this week though. You were bouncing around like a merry soldier before. I know. As soon as the horrible duty of having to spew this crap out becomes real again, my energy tanks. Give me something.

I'm going to report you to Paul and HR. I don't want to go up there. I'm going up there. Lula, lula, lula. Knock, knock. Lula, lula, lula. Is that the noise? That's the sound effect of you.

You can't hear this conversation now because you're downstairs. Yes, but what's the lula, lula? That's my walking song. that's your walking upstairs song the lula lula walking up the stairs and knocking on the door lula lula hello paul come in yes hello paul thank you what's the problem eli's playing up again is he showing who is nubbing not today no he's uh just he's just being a naughty boy and i'm tired of it he's being all grumpy well i tell you what would you like to file a report yes i would'm tired of it. He's been all grumpy. Well, I tell you what, would you like to file a report? Yes, I would.

What's his report going to say? It's going to say this. Eli Silverman's a dirty rotter and I don't like him and he's in a mood and I don't like it when he's in a mood. A loo-la-loo-la-loo.

I can loo-la-loo a loo-la-loo. This is my fucking going up the stairs song. It's not, you can't. A loo-la-loo, a loo-la-loo, a loo-la-loo. Hello? You see what I'm working with here, Paul? Yes, I song. It's not you can't. And you love you. And you love you. And you love you.

Hello? You see what I'm working with here, Paul? Yes, I do. It's terrible. I can hear you talking about me, the Pauls. Hello, hello. Up the stairs, hello. Hello, hello.

Hello, you two. Yes, hello. Got a problem? Yes, you're both a pair of cunts. Welcome to Cheap Show. Are you going to literally do it there? Why fucking not? No, I know I say this every time, yeah?

Can I just get two things out of the way? Yeah. I'm hungover. I feel bad. Real bad. This boost sugar-free fruit punch flavour energy, it's helping. All right, that's one thing I've said. One thing, okay?

I hate these cards open. The two thing, yeah? I'll do two things. I'm saying two things. Go on. Second thing I wanted to say, and I always say, let's do this again. Let's do it.

Let's come in hard again. All right. Places, everyone. We're taking it from the top. Here we go. And action. Hello, everyone. I'm Eli Silverman.

This is the cold open to Cheap Show. But as you know, with Cheap Show, there's never a cold open because it's really warm, isn't it, Paul? Aloola, aloola, aloola. I'm coming down the stairs. That it's really warm, isn't it, Paul? A-loo-la-loo-la-loo-la. I'm coming down the stairs.

That's the best idea, wasn't it? A-loo-la-loo-la-loo-la. This stairs song is the best thing. Welcome to Cheap Show. Oh, right. I hate you

and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles It's just a fact of Cheap Show You're gonna have to learn to fucking accept Cheap Show Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap. Cheap Show. It's the price of shite. Paul Gannon.

Eli Silverman. Welcome to Cheap Show. And I go and I nuzzle. Well, hello you. It's Cheap Show. I am a Paul Gannon and that is an Eli Silverman. And we do a podcast weekly about the fun things we find in charity shops, bargain bins, pound lands, rummage sales, fates, bazaars and group meetings. Rabotage pince-nez.

No, right, okay. You at least have to say normal things first before you talk shit. I don't have to say normal things to you. Rabotage pince-nez, I say. What have we got coming up on the show today, Paul? No, no. What? No, we're not doing this.

Finister MacGyver? All right, hang on. We've got something there. We've got something there. Finister MacGyver? Alright, hang on. We've got something there. We've got something there. Finister MacGyver. No, come on. Get it together. You're the one losing the shit.

I'm not losing my shit. My shit's together. Let me think. Losing his shit. Smacking his face with a record at the beginning. Not going along with the Lula Lula walking up the stairs song. Stop breaking them on your head. Stop it!

Yay! The top of the head. Top of the head's the secret. It must be because that's like some kind of weird skull nubbin you've got up there that can pierce a record. Skull nubbin.

Skull nubbin. Now, I just want to point out to our listeners that I'm not just destroying records that weren't already unplayably broken. Yes, no, he is only destroying the ones that he has no need for and nor could anyone else get any need of.

Use, the word is use. Anyway, we have a fantastic show this week. Need of, get any need of. We have a fantastic show. No one else could get any need of. What is that sentence, Paul? I'm not going to let it lie. I am not going to let that go by.

Should have let it lie. No one else will have any... I can't even say it as badly as you said it. I won't stand for this. I'm going next door. Leela Lula. Leela Lula. You're making that Leela Lula song too general.

It has to be just going upstairs. No, I'm going to say, I'm going to broaden its appeal to more like a fanciful strut away from somewhere. A Leela Leela. Yeah. Okay. Get it right. A Leela Lula. A Leela Lula.

You've got to remember the loo. I always do. Otherwise it's fucking nonsense, mate. So. On the show today. Yes. We will be diving into a Paul's Page Turner and a Silverman's Platter. Silverman's Platter's coming up.

But I think we might have a new character coming this week. Oh, I'm really looking forward to this, everybody. I can't wait for you to meet him. Spoiler alert, Paul's going to do a pirate. It's going to be a pirate character, and you can only just imagine how bad that's going to be. I can't believe it. I'm so excited. How underdeveloped this character is already. I've already got a name.

It's going to be Long John Wanker or something like that, isn't it? Long Dong Poo Man or something. I don't know. Long Dong Wanker is quite good. It's going to be Spunkbeard, isn't it? I've got the name sorted all right. Spaffbeard the pirate. I might be making some amends.

Yeah. Got it, didn't I? i no wanker no so that's something to look forward to i'm sure you agree now we've mentioned it before let's mention it very quickly now we are doing a live show live show i'm looking forward to it too much it's already it's almost half a year away already no it's it's three months away or something it's actually this 280. This is episode 280. We're 20 away. 20 episodes away. Yeah, remember, we only did...

It seems like a lot of episodes. 250 only the other day. They race by. They do. They race by. Oh, sorry. It's very gaseous. Some would say that they strut by with a li-la-loo-la style.

You can keep trying. You can keep trying with that, Paul, but... I'm just saying. I'm trying to make people forget. The li-la-loo- with that Paul but I'm just saying I'm trying to make people forget the Leelaloo last ride I'm trying to make people forget what's this like the land before

every little fucking can walking down the street with his mum he walks right by doing the Leelaloo no I'm doing I've got Chodney

up the bar shut up just to shut your fucking stupid mouth for one second, you wretched little half-pipe. And my mum can spot me off. I had to get that out. Fine, Paul, behave. Yes.

Fucking human walking cauliflower ear of a human being. Fucking... You're getting more toxic week on week. Don't call me a cauliflower ear. One, I don't look like that. Two, sometimes I wish I was a human tumbleweed. Then I could tumbleweed right through this, you know.

You've got nothing and you still haven't said what's coming up. Oh yeah, you did. No, stop. Stop. Stop right there! Live show. August. August 13th at the Harrow Arts Centre just outside of London. It's going to be a big old show and we'd like as many views to come as possible.

Now, if you're a patron, you get a discount for some money off. And if you're not, it's still quite cheap. Tickets are £15, which I think is very fair. Seems reasonable to me in today's climate, Paul. There are details in the metadata for this episode and also if you go to our website,

thecheapshow.co.uk, there's links there to get tickets and stuff like that. So come and join us. We're going to go on about it for three more months. You really are, aren't you? We are, but we will announce guests soon. We've got Biffo and Stuart Ashen. We've got them coming. We've got some big names, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,

guys and dolls. We've got some fantastic guests who I've yet to ask. Lizards and permissive flies. And I think that's it. We've got no... Oh, that's it? Is that the end of the episode?

No, I mean, I'm saying... It's the end. Oh, no, no, no. He's trying it. Oh, he's trying it. Oh! Oh! God, fuck it up.

You're going to put your eye out with a sharp edge. I just realised that jagged edge. Yeah, just be careful, mate. I'll do it with the horns up. Really be careful. There. That worked. You're going to put your eye out. I just realised that jagged edge. Yeah, just be careful, mate. I'll do it with the horns up. Really be careful. There. That worked.

You cracked it. I can't believe this is content. It's not content, is it? He's broken a record and shrugged at me. Got an headache, Tommy. I know, you got one. I've got an headache, Tommy. Why does cannon and ball keep coming up?

Oh, I can crush a grape. That's not cannon and ball. No, who is it then? I'll give you five points. Larry Grayson. No, he said shut that door. I get them confused. Larry Grayson.

You don't get him confused with this other guy. The other guy, he used to do Cracker Jack. Stuart Little. Oh, close. Stuart Little's an animated mouse. Is this quiz time? Yes. It's Paul's impromptu quiz time. Is he called Stuart? Yes. It's Paul's impromptu quiz time.

Is he called Stuart? Yes. Stuart what? Well, a contracted Stuart. Stew pot? No. Stew, has he been totally U-treated? No, I don't think he has.

I don't know if he's even alive, to be fair, at this point. Francis, Stu Francis. Yay, well done. Thank you. Ooh, I could stamp on a dollhouse. Oh, he used to say, say Oh I could crush a grape Steve Francis That was his whole gimmick

He would say things He would like to do Which is a shit gimmick No it's just like He could do Oh I could Open a door Wash a windmill

Yeah Oh I could I could flick a bean Oh I could drink a donkey Dry Oh I could spot me Chod right off No he wouldn't

Say that would he I will chat me With the randos And spot my chod Right off. No, he wouldn't say that, would he? I will chatney with the randos and spot my chod right off. It's a musical episode from us today as we go through the trough. We got nothing for you, listener, and nothing in between. And if you chod me off, I will cover you with my green. I knew you were going to do that. I knew you were going to do that. I knew you were going to do that.

I knew it. It's so predictable. And shit. And fat and ugly. Stop it. You're doing nothing. Ooh, I could smash it vinyl. We need some structure man. Yeah, we do. We need structure

Paul. And psychiatric help. As the daddy of the podcast, you need to introduce some structure at this point. Yeah, I'll fucking introduce daddy structure at some point. Right, let's roll on. Let's just put a line under the segment and move on to the show. Put a fucking line under it.

Do you like books? Yes. Let's have a look at Paul's page turners. What's that from? I don't know. I just made it up. Try again. Just wait for it. I'll go, yeah.

It's like that. again can you just wait for it me i'll go yeah it's like that did it did it did it did it did it did it did it did it did it did it did it do you like books yes do you want to have a look yes let's do it with paul's page turners something like that hello welcome to paul's page turner where i find a book in a charity shop or budget bookstore like the work you know one of those kind of places, and I bring it along for some educational purposes. Maybe we'll learn something along the way. Maybe we'll have a lot of fun doing so.

I'm enjoying your persona in this segment, let me just say that. Are you enjoying it? I think you should keep going. All right. Well, the book I've got today, I found in a charity shop for £1, and it is quite a recent book,

and it is by an author called James Felton. I don't know why I'm laughing. Felton. I think it's because I felt, yeah. He felt on, he fucking grabby little Felton. Well, I just, I read it as Felchon.

Felchon, I've got a Felchon. No, you don't. Saturday nights. Anyway, the book is called... Party time. The book is called... Full Felchon. I've got a full Felchon.

Have you finished being a complete cretin? Jeremy, Jeremy I have a full felch on I'm glad you're having fun Excuse me, Jeremy Because aren't you embarrassed by this? Hello, Jeremy Do you ever listen back and go

Oh, I shouldn't have said that Jeremy, it's the felch Right, okay, apparently not Love the smell of your own fart you do. Right. Exactly. Eli dragged a fart in here before we started recording. Oh, here we go.

It is the bum shaming. It was a real sulfurous, wretched, burnt coal. No, keep shaming me. Keep shaming me for shit, for doing normal things that every human does. For having a gut, a process, an alimentary canal, a digestive tract, if you will. I'm glad I have a

digestive tract, Paul. I did not carry the fart in. I did. You dragged it in like a dead dog on a leash. Left it there. Can we just mention the cover of this sci-fi paperback? Do it now before I just throw the book I'm holding at you. No.

Fucking hell. This is a science fiction classic by Cordwain... You're ruining my segment. Cordwainer Smith. I didn't realise that was... It's like most unusual name ever

and then most common name ever. That's one word. Cordwainer. I've never heard of Cordwainer before. I literally have not heard... I reckon that's like they, you know, he had eccentric parents Ever, and then most common name ever. That's one word. Cordwainer. I've never heard of Cordwainer before. I literally have not heard. I reckon that's like, you know, he had eccentric parents who made up that name. I mean, there's no law saying you can't just make up a name, right?

When his dad looked over and, like, there was a cord. And he was sad about it. It waned. Yeah, that cord is frayed. It's a cord. It's waned. My baby reminds me of a waned cord. This is a book called the under people

yes but what really stood out to me is a sci-fi book right yeah yeah it's a little paperback is the cover which seems to have some kind of astronaut or space general walking down a corridor towards the reader yes and the the walls of this corridor paul on either side are naked ladies standing with their bums facing in it's an arse corridor yeah what do you think he's is he like inspecting the farts

space fart number two maybe sulfur sulfur girl number five no maybe they're like pinheads as well they've got like weird cone head

tit head things maybe it's where Dan Aykroyd got his inspiration for the sketch show uh cone heads it was a sketch on

Saturday Night Live it was wasn't it but then it got its own show got its inspiration for the sketch show uh coneheads it was a sketch on saturday night like it was wasn't it but then it got its own show got its own film never a show no i don't think i think there was a conehead show that didn't have him in there definitely was i remember it there was definitely a coneheads tv show there definitely was okay google don't was there a conehead tv show no what no yes coneheads pinheads it was called or something it was basically the same thing but Google, was there a Conehead TV show? No. What? No. Yes. Conehead. Pinheads, it was called, or something.

It was basically the same thing, but with... There was an animated series, but it was a pilot. Animated pilot based on the Saturday Night Live sketch. I'm having a real Mandela effect moment here. Yeah. I definitely remember seeing a Conehead TV show. No, just the film, that animated series. Wasn't there...

What was that thing with John Lithgow who played the dad? That's Rock from the Sun. Okay. Didn't they have funny heads in that? No, they were just John Lithgow. And French Stuart. That's my impression.

You can't see it because I had to just squint my face. If you do want to see a picture of the cover of this magazine with the bum bum bum corridor, Space General in bum bum corridor. Hey, imagine walking down that li-la-lu-la-la. No, that would be a li-la-lu-la.

What if they're not wall... What an absurd cover that is. What is? What if they are not wall linings, but they're doors, and you have to put your finger in a bum hole to open them? Access denied.

God only knows what the bloody painter was thinking, that that is an acceptable... I mean, does it happen in the book? Sex... Are they all robots? Sex robots?

And he's selecting the model he wants. Is it like the Borg, though? Where, like, they're just all... Shall we see? There's a very brief blurb. Blurb me. The underpeople

were mutated from animal stock to serve mankind. They are sex slave robot things. They lived down deep. All one word with a capital. Down deep.

Down deep in their arses. One of those sci-fi words, isn't it, for something? They lived down deep in the forgotten corridors. Here we go. And caverns of old earth. They had old bum bum corridors in old earth. Servants to the men who bred them in their own image. But even under people dream and often have strange powers.

Do they? And now they have a strange ally in the richest man who ever lived Richard Brandoff the man who owned the whole planet

it doesn't say Richard Brandoff it actually does it's funnily enough show me the book show me the book or I'll show you this one by throwing it at your eyes what is your fucking problem?

you I'd bring you a bum bum corridor a fragrant bum bum corridor must be like the worst row of Febrezes in the world

and now they have a strange alley of the richest man who ever lived the man who owned the whole planet there's no Richard Brand off in there

which is anyway it's a good thing for you that because then you haven't ripped off something from a shitty sci-fi book

by Cordwainer Smith Cordwainer Smith yeah it's Paul's Page Turners, everyone. It's Paul's Page Turners. Where Paul looks at books and reads bits of books out.

And then spends seven minutes talking about a shit bum bum corridor. We should mention this as well. We should mention this now. Yeah, we've got another book. Now, this is a book I'm surprised we haven't covered because it's always in charity shops.

It is always in charity shops and I have a personal memory of this whole series. There was Graffiti Lives Okay, which is this one. Yeah. And there was like two and three. He did a whole series because it was a huge bestse Lives Okay, which is this one. And there was like two and three. He did a whole series because it was a huge bestseller, I think.

Well, explain what this book is. Graffiti Lives Okay by Nigel Rees. And it's a very early, basically, collection of so-called real graffiti. But it's that kind of graffiti that you get in the loo, basically. It's not like, you know, it's like before the whole advent of hip-hop graffiti, that kind of colourful, artistic mural writing and tagging. Yeah, this is just scrawls. This is scrawls, and it was all about the wit, then,

of what you actually wrote. Quote-unquote wit. Here I, for example, here I sit, broken-hearted. I can't believe I fucked that up. It's like those people. Here I sit, broken broken hearted paid my money and only farted you know when you had to pay

like that here's the thing or like I suck cocks or whatever yeah but it's like that thing we talked about last week isn't it

where oh my brain's gone blank because I can't listen to you and I tune out look there's Nigel Rees on the back oh no the elephant poo holder candle the elephant poo hole

the poo candles not the poo candles the door handles for the no the the elephant poo holder candle you know the elephant poo hold the poo candles not the poo candles the uh door handles for the toilet yes the elephant it was like the humans um poo dares wins yeah terrible puns but he nigel reeds who says on this was the author of quote unquote so that was probably a similar thing where he just collects funny quotes probably i'm imagining yes he's sort of a bon vivant who collects stuff. So what bon mots have they got in that book? I just want to mention, I used to read this from the shelf in WH Smith and Brent Cross when I was in...

Just put it back on the shelf and go. I used to love these. These were my favourite, these kind of toilet humour books. You don't see this kind of genre that much anymore. Not of that. I mean, you still get books like... They do get humorous books, don't you? ...shit Britain, where it's like,

here's a town and it's shit. This is a toilet. This is a perfect example of toilet humor. I want to pick one. Let me just give a couple. I want to read one out. There's also a visual one here, which has a sketch of two cubes,

and it says underneath, balls to Picasso. Nice. Because he's a cubist, obviously. It's like, you can imagine, can't you? Two wits walking down the street. Tarquin, look! Balls to Picasso!

And it's two cubes, Tarquin! Paul, I just want to say one thing. Balls to Picasso, Tarquin! Can I just give a small note on your little improvisation there? Your whole, like, that's got to be the laziest naming of a posh character I've ever heard

it's almost as bad as you calling your gangster character like two weeks ago Big John Big John the gangster and Tarquin the posh guy okay

can I can you please just try again with a different okay try calling him Randovu Pince-Nez or something

no I'll think of a good one now Finister MacGyver. Hang on, let me think of a good name, all right? You can't think of anything. Slippy Slap Bummo. I got one. Bertrude.

Bertrude, look at that. Bowls to Picasso. It's a chicken. Why is Bertrude a chicken? It's a posh fop. It's my posh fop. Read some graffiti out you're fucking terrible

you really are under inspired are you look at that on the wall balls to the castle come over here this is a great one this is all found in the toilet this one is

great beans means farts that's what someone wrote on there that's extremely famous yeah yeah because it do you know one is great. Beans means farts. That's what someone wrote on there. That is extremely famous. Yeah. Do you know where that comes from? What? Beans means farts.

Well, beans means Heinz, isn't it? It was a catchphrase. Is it spelled with a Z? That's a very famous piece of graffiti, yeah. Yeah. What would be the appeal of buying a book like this? You just put it in the loo and, I don't know, you read it. The emphasis in this collection is on the humorous,

but sexual, political, and literary graffiti have been given a degree of permanence by their inclusion. The urge for us to scribble on walls is universal, and the sites for graffiti writers represented here range from the Bodilene Library via Alaska to the ladies in Chortle Come Hardy.

Here are a few phrases where Kilroy hasn't been. Jesus, graffiti book, bye-bye. Graffiti lives, okay, doesn't. Doesn't. Well, it would have only cost, ooh, £3.95. Seems quite a lot. What a load of shit.

I saw a wimpy menu the other day. Like a cheeseburger was like 30p or something. You can't have it in a moment? Read me a story, the history of... Do you want me to stop playing the the Hovis music no please the what the Hovis music

na na na na na na oh yeah I'm Eli and I remember down Tit Pit all those years ago I saw a wimpy menu

30p for a burger ahhh I never I never I prefer the New York graffiti That book was a wash It didn't work very well

did it No and a lot of that is cut out of this episode Shall we have this story then Right here we go So yes James Felton

finally we're back to you 52 times Britain was a bell end the history you didn't get taught in school Is that one time for each week of the year?

I guess it could be. Seems arbitrary otherwise. Otherwise, yeah, but, you know, it's fine. So this is a collection of history from James Felton's research that he has humorously rewritten as short paragraphs and stories in this book. See, it looks like from the cover and the title that it is trying to be humorous, Paul, but when you leaf through it, most of the stories were deeply depressing very depressing deeply deeply depressing very

depressing because you know i mean it's like 52 times britain was a bell and surely i'm not i mean i don't want to come across as too fucking woke but surely the whole fucking history is mainly just invasion of war being shit yeah. The human race as a general rule are shits. James Felton is a writer and journalist who has contributed articles to the Guardian

independent daily mash IFL Science. So we picked this one story out. This one fascinated me from the options you gave me, Paul. And also, it's something we did touch on a few weeks ago

so it gives us a chance to touch on it again. And I like it, Eli, when we get together and touch on things. Yes. Touch my button. So this is the title

of this article. We rob people's graves. We, in this case, being British people. Oh, I thought we were doing the umbrella one. I was all geared up to learn the history

of the umbrella. No, because we spent 15 minutes trying to pick a story and then you finally said this one and now we've started recording. It's all just corpses

and fucking shit, isn't it? Well, let's find out. We robbed people's graves so much we had to booby trap graveyards with automatic shotguns. So here's the story of this. So I'm just going to apologize in advance. Obviously, James Felton is a humorous writer. So some of the humor in this will be from his terminology and not mine that I've put upon this reading from the book. You really are struggling

with basic sentence structure today, Paul. I mean, I don't want to point it out. Yeah, you're right. What you meant to say is, I'm reading this out so the jokes are all from him. Not from me. I want it clear.

We're not plagiarising Felchon. No, we are not plagiarising Captain Felchon. Felchon. Felchoff. Oh, hello, Jeremy. I've got Felch on. Felch off. Oh, hello. Jeremy? I've got a felch on. Is that Jeremy? I'm glad that's of all the stuff you've done recently.

That's the one you're going to go back to to try and get more humour. Hello? Yeah? Jeremy? Here we go. I've got a felch on. Christ, I'm going to fucking just...

You're going to what? Hit me? Hurt me? Poo shame me? Bum bum shame me? Sit on your chest. Oh, yeah? Spanking my eyes? No. Gum up my eyes with the old spanky? I'm going to on your chest. Oh yeah, spunk in my eyes.

No. Gum up my eyes with the old spunky. I'm going to pinch your nose. Spunkivitis, going to give me a case of spunkivitis. I'm going to pinch your nose.

And then come in my mouth. No. And then spunk in my ear. No. I'm going to pinch your nose and then squat and then drop. And shit,

shit's in my mouth. No. Shit on me. No. My cloaca will open. You don't have a cloaca, Bob. I do.

You don't. And I will push out a cannon egg. Oh, this has gone into open. You don't have a cloaca, Bob. I do. You don't. And I will push out a cannon egg. This has gone into fantasy. That's not a cloaca. I've got one.

Cloaca, waka, waka. No, that's Fozzie Bear's catchphrase. Imagine he was getting off of a bird.

Well, he could have been on an affair with Gonzo's chicken. Yeah. Camilla. Yeah, but he wouldn't, Fonzie

wouldn't, I mean, not Fonzie. Oh, Fonzie, where's Camilla? Cloaca, cloaca, cloaca. That's what I wanted, thanks. That's the Muppet Show you weren't allowed to see. You're what? Eli, Eli.

Yeah? This segment's not working for me. It's not working. The whole show today, Paul, it's not working. I know, we started on a weird mood. It's a terrible show. Sometimes it's a terrible show. We have to keep making it.

Do you know what, Paul? Are you feeling like... Is this all hell? Do you feel like the 20 episodes leading up to the live show seems like an endless stretch? Yeah, but I always... I thought that about episode 230, 180.

You know what I mean? We'll get out and about next week. Yeah, we're going to do an out and about one next week. Stretch our legs. Yeah, it'll be fine. Get out of this fucking hellhole where I can't do be fine. And get out of this fucking mad hellhole we're in. Yeah.

I can't do words. Mad hellhole. Is it a mad hellhole? Yeah. Is it a mad hellhole? I think we create our own world of madness every week. Tell you what, when I have a curry... Do you want to just talk over me all the time?

Or do you want to let me finish a sentence before you say, I chod me or something? All right. Because, you know, I'd like to hear it sooner. Please, finish your point. Why not just pre-empt my talking completely and have no point of me in this show? I'm going over here.

Leela loola, leela loola, leela loola, leela loola. Oh, my God. Should we do this fucking story and get out of here and have a break? I want a cup of tea or something. I've got a coffee there. I'll finish that off. No, I'll make you a new one. You don't.

It's too cold for you now. Yeah. Daddy Gannon needs a hot one. He does need. Daddy Gannon needs a hot one in his structure. All I wanted to say was when you said it's too cold for you now. Yeah. Daddy Gannon needs a hot one. He does need. Daddy Gannon needs a hot one in his structure. All I wanted to say was when you said it's a red hellhole. 27 minutes of recording and I'm cutting out most of that graffiti book. I just wanted to say that's like my bum hole after I've had a curry.

That was the joke I wanted to make. Thank you. What a waste of time. A red hellhole. Right. There's nothing the British love more than tutting at people standing on the left of escalators in London. I don't tut. I seethe inwardly and I feel like my fight or flight syndrome kicks in.

I'm like, it's terrible. It's part of being a Londoner. Isn't it? That impatience to keep getting on. Do you feel that rage? I try not to. I know. You try and fight it, but sometimes the rage builds.

Sometimes it's like, you get out of my way, old lady. I'm going to push you face first down the escalator. I tell you what, Paul, I was DJing in Shoreditch the other night and I went in to buy a Red Bull before my set

in this shop and there was all these fucking people in the shop, these youths, who were like drunk or whatever in their glad rags. Yeah. And they were fucking

incredibly aggravating. Just like the guy behind the desk was going, does anyone want to buy anything? And I'm just like the guy behind the the desk was going does anyone want to buy anything and i'm just like fucking buy something or do something stop standing around in this fucking shop do you know what i mean fucking hell i just wanted to get that off my chest tales from the high street it was talking tales from the dance Street. It was. Talking Tales from the Dance Floor. That night, there's meant to be a Stevie Wonder special. Stevie Wonder? The knock-off.

Stevie Hendrix. He can see, but he can't play the piano. That's the curse. Oh, my God. Right. So, it's nine, so the band's not going to be on to do the Stevie Wonder special for an hour and a half. Yes.

This guy comes up to me, he goes, when is the band on? When is the band on? I'm like, it's at 10.30. He's like, an hour and a half? I'm like, yeah, an hour and a half. And then he goes, oh, can I have a request then? And I went, yes. And he went, can I stop you?

Can I guess? Did he ask for a Stevie Wonder song? Yes. Which one? Superstition. Yes, but did he mispronounce Superstition? Oh, go on. And he said, could you play Superstition. Yes, but did he mispronounce superstition? Oh, go on. And he said, could you play superstitious?

And it's like, you fucking drunk twat. Do you know what I mean? You're there. You know what I mean? You can just play it on your phone if you're that desperate. And also, it's called superstition, obviously. Can I listen to Jimmy Wonder's Superstitious, please? I hate that

anyway one sentence in and we've already gone off on a tangent okay there's nothing the British love more than people standing

on the left and complaining blah blah blah and desecrating the final resting place of the dead doctors in the UK have wanted corpses

to gawp inside since AD 300 sorry to gawp to gawp inside to look at gawp inside gawp inside gawp G-A-W-P they wanted corpses to gawp. To gawp inside, to look at. Gawp inside. Gawp inside. Gawp.

G-A-W-P. They wanted corpses to gawp inside. To gawp inside. I gawped in that corpse last night. Filled it to the chest cavity. You misread that, didn't you? I haven't. Say the whole sentence from the beginning.

Doctors in the UK have wanted corpses to gawp inside. To gawp inside. To gawp inside. You don't gawp inside a corpse. You do. There's no light inside a corpse. To gawp inside? To gawp inside. You don't gawp inside a corpse. You do. There's no light inside a corpse. To gawp, to look into. That's what they said, to gawp around in a corpse.

Oh, oh. To gawp at, in. To gawp. Yeah, but gawp in. My problem is gawp in. It's gawp inside. Inside being one word. I would gawp at.

Gawp at is the sentence he wanted. To gawp at corpses. Yeah. Will that do? See, perfect. Just replace inside with at, please. Since around 300 AD. Just because doctors didn't know anything back then

didn't mean we didn't find the need to root around inside a corpse before declaring, yes, I'll probably put a lot of leeches on their testicles and if it's a real emergency, maybe I'll drill a hole in their head. Yes. It is true. Everything was leeches and holes. You used to get a hole in your head when you were alive

if you had a headache. What was that called again? Well, tapping and stuff like that, wasn't it? Yeah, but it's got a term, doesn't it? Well, no, it stems from the whole fucking lobotomy stuff, doesn't it? No, it makes a hole in your head and it's...

Drilling. When you drill a hole in your head. It's got a term which neither of us can remember. I need another lover like I need a hole in my head. Something like that. I like that song. It's by Prince term which neither of us can remember. I need another lover like you need a hole in my head. Something like that. I did that song.

It's by Prince. Please keep reading. You don't want to hear more Prince songs? I don't. Ah, two thousand hundred hundred a party in time out of sight. Do you know what? Not only did I listen to the band last night.

Purple vein. Play that song. A whole medley. He did three Kiss songs ending with Purple Rain what were the first two no he didn't do three kiss songs

did he Prince songs and one of them was Kiss wasn't it yes it certainly was prick what was the other one though so Purple Rain

Kiss and I don't know what would I go for Little Red Corvette I want to be your lover oh okay yeah and then we had a conversation about Prince

for like 10 minutes after the gig okay so please I'm all Prince'd out, yeah? I try and love him. I admire him more, you know? It's not, you know? Until the 14th century, messing around with corpses for medicine or fun

was outlawed entirely. Well up until the 1700s, dissection was allowed only on hanged criminals, which was a massive problem if you were a doctor who needed to learn how bodies worked, and an even bigger one if you chose to specialise in necks. I'm sure. Which is true, because, you know, this one's a bit broken. It's hard to get an idea of what a neck is when it's in bits.

They're all broken. Can I have an unbroken neck, please? That's the way they'd hang them so their neck broke immediately as well, wouldn't they? Yeah, but then... You'd fall and your neck breaks. They had to do the measurements, didn't they, on how long the rope had to be based on the weight of the body. Well, it's really inhumane if it's not long enough because then you slowly suffocate.

Surgeons would often have a hard time getting bodies from the hangman and have to hand over bribes because even people who kill people routinely for a living thought it was ethically a bit iffy. Right. So money would still change hands for a body. But those only hanged criminals were ones that were allowed to be sold. Yes.

Right. Have you got a murderer? No, we've got a thief. They're all hanged criminals were ones that were allowed to be sold. Yes. Have you got a murderer? No, we've got a fief. They're all hanged. It doesn't matter. They wouldn't ask what it was, would they? Unless they were a brain guy. Dr. Frankenstein, you want all the criminals, don't you?

Yeah. Can I have a bit of him? And I'll have two. I'll have the leg off that one. What's the original? In the original Frankenstein, it's one brain, isn't it? It's one brain of a criminal. By accident, though. It wasn't meant to be. Yes, he's one brain, isn't it? It's one brain of a criminal. By accident, though.

It wasn't meant to be. Yes, he mixes them up, doesn't he? He gets all confused. And it's like, I put the wrong brain in. It's going to cost you, mate. Schoolboy era. Schoolboy era, mate. Is it Igor who does it?

Yeah. Igor drops... Doesn't Igor... I've seen one. I don't know, because I don't know where... Is that Young Frankenstein? Igor drops the brain? Yeah.

This is the thing. I don't know where the book ends and the film and Young Frankenstein starts in my head. So I'm never quite brain. Yeah. This is the thing. I don't know where the book ends and like the film and Young Frankenstein starts in my head. So I'm never quite sure. Yeah. You know, what is the real...

And the man with two brains. Yes. That's also this Frankenstein sort of thing, isn't it? Kind of, yes. It's a mad science B-movie riff. Here we go.

So a dark industry of organised grave robbers sprung up. By the late 18th century, there was a thriving black market specialising in corpses. Gangs of grave robbers sprung up. By the late 18th century, there was a thriving black market specialising in corpses. Gangs of grave robbers supplied atomonists, anatomists, anatomists,

with corpse after corpse only slowing down when they wanted to control the supply in order to keep the prices up. Paul, just on a little tangent here. Gawp. You should have said gawp in corpses. Yeah, but the book didn't say that. There should have been a little tangent here. Gawp. You should have said Gawp in Corpuses. Yeah, but the book didn't say that, did it? There should have been a comma. I'm reading the book. There should have been a comma after Gawp.

Why are you still hung up on that? Because it sounded so weird. Yeah, but I didn't write the book! I'm just saying, if he'd put a comma in, don't you agree? If he'd put a comma in after Gawp. Why don't you fucking tweet James Felchon on Twitter? He's not called Felchon. It is. It's at Felchon.

Jeremy at Felchon. Hello? It's not called Felchon. It is. It's at Felchon. Jeremy at Felchon. Hello. It's James as well, not Jeremy. Hello, Jeremy. James Felchon is probably a completely different man in a completely different line of work. Keep going, please. It got out of hand pretty quickly.

Shakespeare's grave even spared a line to ward off potential grave robbers, reading, Cursed be he that moves my bones, instead of, for instance, mentioning his wife. Would you move a corpse if there was a gravestone and it said, Don't move me or you'll be cursed. That's what I was going to say.

That wouldn't really put them off if they're determined grave robbers. Yeah, but we're talking about... You know, they're going to hell anyway, aren't they? Yeah, but we're talking about the 1700s, 1800s, where there was more superstition and religious fervour. That they believed maybe a spirit would get them. I mean, think about the Tutankhamen thing.

People would shat their bed on that in a quote-unquote rational age. Yes, they would be cursed, yeah. Yeah, or more rational age. Well, I suppose my point is, Paul, if you're a grave robber, you've probably made peace with the fact that you're going to get haunted to shit and that you're going to hell. My grave, if I just get buried, because I'm planning on getting cremated, you've made peace with the fact that you're going to get haunted to shit and that you're going to hell. Do you know what I mean? If I just get buried,

because I'm planning on getting cremated, but if they just bury me or they throw me in a ditch, I want my gravestone to just say, have at it, mate, and maybe pose me. This is really... Pose my body.

This is strong meat, even for our show, Paul. Pose my body in a kind of welcoming way, like I'm going, come over here. You want them to fuck your corpse. No, no, no. I didn't say that. I said for medical purposes.

You didn't say that. For medical purposes, you can use me. My body should be sprayed. Like, beckoning. Like, one arm's presented in a way where it's reaching over. Come yonder. Come take my body for learning more about how the body works. I'm happy.

I'm happy to be used corpse felching that's all i can think of no i'm just saying if if i was i mean i can't think of other 1800s and i'd be all right with them saying dig up my bones have a bit of fun get you get get you get your fill please what fill my corpse no no not fill my corpse there's nothing about my corpse i want defiled well you don't want it defiled but you've got you've got your corpse out you've got your corpse out spreading its goods as a comedian as a man who makes jollies on a weekly basis right what could be more gratifying than being like the hand found in an old lady's purse and a medical student's prank i would love my hand to turn up somewhere it shouldn't.

You know, like reaching out of a toilet when someone goes to a sit. Or what about use my head? Use my head for a laugh. Go on, put it on a birthday cake for granny for a laugh. Put it on there. What about me dingus?

Come on now, we're all getting there. Wouldn't it make a great doorstop? Or what about, I don't know, on a spring inside a box that you give to an auntie for her birthday I like my arsehole

to be used as a wedding ring a wedding ring is that is that something a reddening ring a wedding ring I'm trying to

fucking take part in this nonsense in fact when me and Eli pass on would you dear listener like our arseholes to be your

wedding rings bands or you could use my ear as your own arsehole. Band of arsehole. Use my nostrils as little cufflinks. Yes, and why not use my nipples as earrings? Or you could use my amethyst as a... As a...

Letter organiser. You put your letters in it. How could you put your letters in amethyst? He's doing it with his mouth. He's sliding the little letter. Do you know what? This is the worst episode we've ever

done. Could possibly be. Let's see where we go. Two body snatchers in Edinburgh, Burke and Hurt, got impatient waiting

for people to die in order to get a paycheck and so they killed 16 people themselves in order to get the bodies to the doctors.

Is that the story? Well, that's the very simple story, but yeah, they started out as grave robbers and then went on to murder people. Oh. The problem got so bad that an industry

sprung up to stop grave robbing. Rich people could afford mortar safes, giant iron cages to house the dead that would prevent robbers from getting in. Or they would hire people to stand guard until the body had rotted enough that it was no longer of use to surgeons. Wow. There were also booby

traps. There were reports of cemetery guns being used in regular use across England and Scotland to protect the dead. Cemetery guns. Yes. It's a whole term. Yeah. Guns were hooked up to trip wires and loaded with rock, salt and pepper shot. Oh, interesting. Or plain old lethal ammunition.

Rock, salt and pepper. Then you could bring your chips out there. Yeah, you go, oh, look. I brought me chips to the graveyard. You throw your chips in the air. I forgot the condiments. Kick that trick wide, would you? Kick. Bang.

Hey. Now we need some vinegar. Dig up grandma and squeeze her dry. Squeeze her out of fanny. No, yes. That was the inference, Eli. When you say it, it just becomes vulgar. Oh, oh.

I was having fun then, squeezing granny's fanny. Stop it. We shouldn't have done this subject. I'll tell you that right now. That's a horrible image of you. Taking an old dead granny and putting her on a lemon juicer. Oh, everything. Why has it got so grim? was like you me fucking your corpse anyway

grave robbers were still undeterred and would often pose as mourners and widows to scope out the cemetery during the day wow whilst grave keepers would in turn wait until dark to lay their booby traps down meanwhile the poor just had to rely on someone placing a big stone or a flower bed on top of their graves to detect disturbances. Yeah, but that's the thing. You're going to do it in one go. So why would that be a concern? If you're going to do it in one go anyway, you're going to...

Exactly. But I guess it's just what you can afford to do to maybe deter people from digging up your mum. Yeah, maybe that would deter you to a certain extent. Do you think it changed the whole industry disappeared when they changed the law concerning which bodies you could use well why did this go away as well when did this era end well it's funny because it kind of bleeds over into the other problem with graveyard which was

fear of being buried alive and ghosts and stuff like that yes graves were all set up with bells and things so i think it was just the industry it It's kind of like a fad, I guess. And when donors became a thing, maybe that's when... Well, that's what I mean. So the religious allowances must have changed over the years

so that it was easier for... Because there was more and more doctors who needed corpses over the years. What I'm saying is that demand, it's still a demand today,

isn't it? Well, look at it this way, right? The more you learn, the less you have to dig up a body. So after a while, there's only so much you're going to get out of a corpse yeah you move on also if there's no money in it for the grave jobbers anymore because you know they don't need bodies as much or they just get legal donors then that industry stops as well yeah so i guess at that time what they were saying is even if you're a doctor you couldn't leave your body to

medical science you couldn't i don't know when that came in yeah but at some point it must have yes so that's what i mean and then you also had the grave farms uh body farms as well obviously where they'd study uh decomposition by just having graves sitting on the ground with cages over them yeah couple of things paul yes so basically there was also at that time at some time in the late 1800s wasn't there a sort of uh uh there was a glut of corpses wasn't there there was a real well at various time in the late 1800s, wasn't there a sort of, there was a glut of corpses, wasn't there? There was a real, well, at various times, like the plague, obviously. But I think in the late 1800s, they had to build these necromantons, cities of the dead.

Well, that was because London was growing and building, and so there were fewer places to put the bodies. They didn't have room for the bodies. But then that's where the Great Seven came from, isn't it? The Magnificent Seven. The Magnificent Seven. Which is Highgate and Nunhead and several others. And Kenzel Rise and whatever.

And Kenzel Rise, yeah. And the other one. Brompton. Anyway, thanks for listening to Corp Show. No, listen, one other thing. It's Corp Show. Can you imagine, though, a Victorian era horror with zombies and the grave robbers go in and a graveyard booby trap gun

goes off and blows their head off and then they go all zombie. They turn zombie as well. Do you see what I mean? Or you have a finale set in a graveyard because you know there's booby traps set up and there's all these

booby traps going off and you use it to survive and get out like a sort of steampunk like Indiana Jones sort of thing something like that and you're pulling

tripwires and zombies that'd be cool wouldn't it it'd be quite fun yeah well if you're listening Mr Hollywood Eli and I will write the script for you

what should we call it Grave Robbers of the Dead. What about Juicing Granny? You got the lines. Night of the Dripping Nan. It's time for a new segment of the show now. It's called Gannon's Grooves. No!

No. I won't have it. I won't have it. I'm phasing you out of the podcast. I'm going to do what you did with the show now. It's called Gannon's Grooves. No. No. I won't have it. I won't have it. I'm phasing you out of the podcast. I'm going to do what you did with the source report so disrespectfully last week with the source report. Refused.

Refused to take part in the source report. I made a silent protest. I'm making a silent protest now. I will not be privy or party to Gannon's so-called grooves. Why don't you shut up, then, if this is a private...

And also, there ain't no grooves this week. There ain't no grooves this week, Paul. I find them groovy. You do not find them groovy. And also, the grooves of the record. So it has double meaning. So why don't you keep your promise, right, and shut up? Because unlike you, I can talk for a while.

Whereas you struggle. Paul? Paul? Please talk to me. talk for a while whereas you struggle like at pot the sauce at Paul Paul please talk to me and the sauce is nice it's peppery are you done now yeah

right no it doesn't matter this is Ganon's cruise and you're having a silent protest so be quiet I'm not having a silent no I've decided against that now

I am more than happy for you to not I've decided my movement has a better course of action by taking affirmative action and that is what hello ladies and gentlemen welcome to silverman's platters this is the section of the show cannons grooves you fucking don't you fucking the section of the show where i've got a pole speak to me we look at i need you Vinyls that I've picked up. Novelties,

Curios, and Esoterica. From one-hit wonders to big old blunders. We listen to them all. We do here on Silverman's Platters. And the patron saint of Silverman's Platters. Still doing that, are we? Didn't that joke really die out a long time ago now? I don't think

the patron saint would like to hear you say that. I'm not talking ill of the patron saint. I just think this whole bit you want to do now, the forthcoming bit, is, you know, less returns, isn't it?

It's not as good. We're not going to contact him. That's over with. Good. So we just mention him. All right, fine. We can work that in. The patron...

Hello, everybody. I'm Eli Silverman. You're doing very well, are you, this week? Oh, dear. Hello, everybody. I'm Eli Silverman. I'm going over there. Le you, this week? Oh dear. Hello everybody, I'm Eli Silverman. I'm going over there. Leela, leela, leela, leela.

Don't with the Leela. You're pushing for the fucking title to be the Leela Leela. So let's fucking get it. Let's get this Leela out. Let's do the Leela. I'm all out of Leela Leela. Oh, I'm walking down the street and what do I do? I do the Leela Leela, Leela Leela.

Now you've got me interested. Yes. Alright, okay. I kind all right okay i kind of like that nice rockabilly feel to it i'm coming down the road and what do i see there's a little lady lila liying at me and i do lila as i walk a lila loo i'm walking down even when i go to the loo a lila lila a lila lola. A-lee-la-loo. And who's this lady? She's a-lee-la-lee. I said a-lee-la. A-loo-la-lee-lay. Eli. Eli.

A-lee-la-lee-lee. A-loo-loo. A-lee-la-lee-lee. Eli. Just like the author of The Under People, my cord is waning. Your rock has wilted. I have draped and drooped You've gone semi

In shadow You've returned to semi I have gone flaccid Return to semi No such bone Chord waning makes me think of Fucking stringy big loops of cum Why?

Chords Chords of spunk Why? Chords of spunk, Paul. I imagine it more like frizzy yarn. Super string. Fizzy string. Is it called super silly string?

Super silly string. That's what my spunk is. Is it? It's not silly string. This podcast is so fucking repetitive. Right, we've got two pieces of vinyl treasures for you this week. I'm not done. I haven't said who the patron saint is.

I would argue you've been done for a very long time. I haven't said who the patron saint is. I would argue you've been done for a very long time. I haven't said who the patron saint is, Paul. The patron saint of Silverman's Platters is Clyde McFatter. May God rest his soul. Rest in peace. Right.

So, we have two, not two dissimilarly themed things, even though they are quite different items. Don't we? Try that. Try again. Shall I? Dissimilarly lily things.

Lila lula. Similarly lila lila lu. Let me just apologise on behalf of both of us for this week's... We're not fit for purpose. ...verbage. Verbage catastrophe coming down the pipe. There's a verbage catastrophe coming down the shit pipe. I know what we should do.

What? We need to do vocal warm-ups right now so we can do this next bit. How does the warm-up go? A li-la-loo. Pa, pa, pa, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, pa, pa. Li-la-loo-la, li-la-loo, li-la-loo. Shut up.

Get on with it. Pa, Percy picked pepper properly, perhaps perchance poo poo too. I'm not the pheasant plucker, I'm the pheasant plucker's son. I won't stop plucking pheasants till the pheasant plucking's done. Yeah, get down. Hey. I'm not the pheasant plucker, I'm the pheasant plucker's son. I won't stop plucking pheasants till the pheasant plucking's done.

You sound like the guy in Yellow in the race. I once have... Meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh. I'm not the pheasant plucker, I'm the pheasant plucker's son. I won't stop plucking pheasants till the pheasant want to have one. Meh, meh, meh, meh. Meh, meh, meh, meh. Meh, meh, meh, meh. Meh, meh, meh. I'm not the pheasant plucker. I'm the pheasant plucker's son. I won't stop plucking pheasants until the pheasant plucker's done. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

Come on then. What's the vinyl this week, Paul? Wow, what do you want to start with? Do you want to start with the Shanties or do you want to start with Isambra, Kingdom, Brunel? I think Brunel is less interesting

to be honest. I disagree. Do you want some light? I'll get some light on you. Turn on the light. Your knob's dropped off. Put your knob back on the wall. Put your knob back on the wall.

That's it. Right, there you go. What are you going to do if you really don't have a nubbin? Put your knob back on the wall. Get your knob back on the wall. Suck my helmet. Go on, finish it.

Get down on it. wall suck my helmet go on finish it get down on it suck my helmet don't destroy it just enjoy it what you gonna do with your nubbin up on the wall what you gonna do when you spunk doll up the wall it's standing with your dick in your hand get your nubbin on the wall okay Okay, come on, mate. Come on. We can do this. So the first one is this. It's called Isambar, Kingdom Brunel, and other comical sargals from our aerial. Sargals.

S-A-G-A apostrophe L-S. See, I'd never heard that or seen that word before I purchased that record. I think it is a kind of written inflection, like it's because it's a Bristol... Is it a Bristolian word for a folk song? Is that what it is? A poem. And other comical sagas from

our area. Oh, it's like a saga. Sagas, short stories. They tell stories, don't they? I've never seen it written like that, though. I don't think it's a real word. I think it's like someone's written the vernacular. It's a dialectical variation. Yeah, interesting. And it's made by very much a bristolian or that area yeah and it's made by old pete and john christie and uh i'm gonna play a little bit of it for you now who put the suspension bridge across the River Haven?

Heisenberg, Kingdom, Brunel Who's responsible for all the time that you're saving When you go from cliff and down the pill to see your auntie now? Who helps folks when they're on their way from Weston to Blackpool To visit Severn beach as well oh what an engineer he used to live round here eyes and bar kingdom bro now who made the big boogie all they caused the box tunnel boys and bar kingdom bro now And who made him so straight That on his birthday the sun

Will shine up one end And come out of the other as well Who was it made it possible To get up to London In less time than it takes to tell Oh what an engineer He used to live round here Eisenbard Kingdom Brew now

I'll bet you to wish you... So this is interesting, right? Where this comes from is BBC Radio Bristol. You may have noticed that that record we did, Roundabout Record, was also BBC Radio Bristol, wasn't it? Was it? You know, the one with the radiophonic... I thought that was Brighton.

No, that was Bristol. No, I think it was Brighton. I'm getting fucking wrecked right now. Go fuck off and do it. I'll read this bit out. So, basically, what this is is old Pete and John Christie for a small amount of time

featured on a BBC Radio Bristol programme. And I'm going to presume they were kind of like guests and they would turn up, tell a few kind of Bristolian stories and then sing a couple of their songs based on things that Bristol is proud of. One of them being Isambard, Kingdom Bruno. And I thought that song was one of the best things I've ever heard on this show.

Why do you like it so much? Because it reaches for the stars, but he's got really tiny arms. It's like that. It's like he doesn't... The recording is so shit. It sounds like he's in a shed hunched over his Casio with a microphone pressed right up into his mouth and the keyboard a bit too far away to hear on the mic.

And he's playing it. And he's not putting all the effort in because he's not an accomplished singer. But he's trying to copy it. But he's kind of done a big Broadway-style musical. That's what I was going to say. It's a sort of show tune kind of template that he's put the lyrics into.

You can imagine, like, you know... It's not like a British folk song. James Cadney singing it. You know what I mean? On a big stage. It's got that kind of thing. It's put the lyrics into. You can imagine like, you know. It's not like a British folk song. James Cadney singing it. You know what I mean? On a big stage. It's like, it's got that kind of thing. It's definitely a show number. But his delivery is like

my dad in the shed at six in the afternoon on a Sunday singing it. It is very lo-fi if you're into that kind of thing. Yes. Are you going to confirm now if that's Bristol or Brighton?

And the answer is going to be Brighton. So we can just skip to that bit. Was I right? Yeah. Yeah, there you go. I always get them confused. Sorry, everyone who lives in those parts of the world. So David Wayans thought,

oh, aren't you good, you two people, old Pete and John Christie? How about we release, for no real fucking reason, your song? Who does the songs? Because it is two different guys. John Christie sings and old Pete does the dialogue.

I think we'll play a little bit of that dialogue now here. It's not a story is what it is. Yeah, a little bit of story. I'll play a bit of that here. Isambard Brunel, said Older and Down the Club the other night. Just like that. Right out of the blue, he said it, as though it was a real pearl of wisdom.

What he just found in his third pint of worthy. Isambard Brunel. I knows it well, said Harry. Nice little pub, that, just opposite Temple Mead Station there as you comes down the incline. That, said Earn, is just about the limit of your conversation, Harry, innit?

I mean, that's all you thinks about, pubs. You wants to get a bigger vista to your imagination, you know, cos Earn'd fancy himself, see, as a bit. Because older and defancier self, see, has a bit of a historian and a raconteur like, see. And the social club, well, that's an ideal place for him to get on his high horse, isn't it? Isambard Kingdom Brunel

was a very clever chap, he said. A sort of West Country entree manure, as you might say. Well, I'll give him one thing, said Harry. He keeps a beautiful pint in that pub of his. Look, that pub is there only to commesmerate his memory, innit, you fool, says Earn. He's getting all worked up now, see. And you never heard of Brunel before?

Course I have, said Harry, winking at the rest on him. Dug the box tunnel, didn't he? He didn't dig it, you egg-rained me-us. He designed it. Same as he designed a lot of other things, like the Salt Ash Bridge down Plymouth and the Clifton Suspension Bridge. And what about the SS Great Britain, said Geoffrey.

Ah, now, I'm glad you mentioned it, said Aaron, because that is where he almost come unstuck. Why was that, said Harry? What happened? Well, they nearly didn't get out of the dock where he was built. That's what. So, yeah, old Pete talks and John Christie, quote, unquote, sings. Do you want to have a look at that?

It's a real curiosity. Yeah, go ahead. I think they were reasonably popular in their day on BBC Radio Bristol. So this is just brought out for the fans of them. Limited release just for the local area. You could probably buy them at the BBC shop or something. You know what I mean? Or a newsagent's.

And it was a nice local little treat there's a certain, certainly a lot if you were studying the dialect yeah, and it probably doesn't exist to that extent in that area as much these days, I don't know, but they say gert, when they say great and all of that stuff

it's very much the Bristolian thing and he mentions in the song, that Isambard Kingdom Brunel built the pub near Temple Meads, which is the station just down the road. I love all of that detail about the city. And he mentions Clifton as well. He built the bridge there.

And that special tunnel, which on his birthday, on Isambard Kingdom Brunel's birthday, the sun is in a position where it shines directly through the tunnel. And it only happens on his birthday. That's like sort of the Pharaoh style stuff. That is kind of a little bit more. It's like, Isambard, do you mind if we build a tunnel this way? No, no, it's got to go that way.

No, but he planned it. He, you know, he's a great engineer. He drew the pictures, didn't he? Oh, no, I'm sure. But I'm sure the whole conversation was, well, if we go this way, we'll save man hours and some time. No, because I want my birthday, the sun to shine. No, I want my birthday

to have a tunnel of light. Yes. Tarquin. But it's... Do you know what I mean? Is it bar? Is it bar? Is it bar King Brunel?

Balls to Picasso. Oh, my God, he's back. The chicken posh boy. Balls to Picasso. Oh, it's chicken posh boy. Hello, chicken posh Picasso. Oh, it's Chicken Posh Boy. Hello, Chicken Posh Boy. Hello, Eli. Have you seen that on the wall over there?

I know, Balls to Picasso, but they're cubes. They're cubes. Very good. Have you seen any other amusing graffitums? Absolutely not. No, but what do you do of a day? I mean, what's your general routine, Posh? I will walk around my land. Your own land, yes.

And I walk around and I go, that's mine. And that's mine over there. And you see that little house over there with the little, that's where I have my house workers. Sorry to interrupt you. Could I have Paul back? I'll just come over here. Or you over there.

Have you seen this on the wall? Yes, bye bye posh boy chicken. Bye bye. Could you believe it? In this day and age. In this day and age.

Goodbye posh boy chicken. I'm going to tell the world. Paul? I've quite taken to him. I'm quite taken by him. Don't worry, listener. That isn't the character I've got in my back pocket. That's coming soon.

Do you know, why do we do like several weeks and no characters and we sort of swear off them? But the last couple of weeks, it's gone fucking nuts again, Paul. I think that happened when we are. We've got Viberto. We've got Granny Sprinkles. Mate, have you noticed they come up when we have less content? Yes, I have.

Shh, right. Don't tell the listeners. Paul, here's a bit of content, though. You know your theory about this record being like a local thing that was sold locally because they were on the radio? Yeah. The company is Saydisc Specialised Recordings Limited. Saydisc?

No. Saydisc Specialised Recordings? Saydisc. Yeah. S-A-Y-D-I-S-K. Okay. S-C, sorry. That sort of supports your argument

that this was like Specialised Recordings. It's like they do small batches for like local projects. Do you know what I mean? They probably also specialise in tourist stuff, you know? Yeah.

Here's our sounds of Brazil. Yeah. Hope you enjoy them here we go. And they've got their address in Gloucestershire there, so it's not even from the area. So yeah, and it's very much the pink font.

It looks like something that was sold sort of as a touristy thing as well. It's Comic Sans, basically, isn't it? Yes, an old school Comic Sans. Comic Sans before Comic Sans. And it's a seven inch for anyone worrying about that. It's a seven inch on 33. Yeah. And there's like four songs and a bloke telling the stories in between.

I really like it. It has a certain charm, that's for sure. It's got a charm in that it's come from a place of love and it's also got that, it's very, it's like, it's only of any real use to people who lived in Bristol during this time period who got the references to the things they're talking about.

But as a cultural, as a sort of snapshot of culture, it has some value, I think. Yeah. Like the dialect and all of that stuff. It's just a lovely little thing. So Isambard Kinder Brunel wasn't from there because he says in the song that he lived around here.

Yeah. Where was he from, though? I think he was from London or something, wasn't he? Okay, Google. Oh, it's over there. Should we go on to the second disc? Yeah, let's not do that. What is this?

A James May documentary? Please, please. Are you back again? In this day and age, a James May documentary. Is he being narrow-minded about the Japanese this month? Poshboy Chicken, I've got

some corn here. I'm throwing it over there. Yeah, he can't resist a bit of that corn. He loves it. He's gone then, is he? He's just over there. Gone. Gone for good.

Can we please? Gone. Can we go on to Captain Birdseye? Yes. This was something I found in a charity shop the other day. And I sent you a picture, didn't I, on WhatsApp. Shall I get this? And you just instantly said yes.

Absolutely. It really is very much up my street in terms of items I like. And we've got a very special guest to help introduce this as well. Because, you know, Captain Birdseye is one of the famous captains of the sea. But I thought I'd invite another captain that I've met recently. And he's very much into what we're talking about today. Where is he? He's in the lobby.

He's just outside. Hang on, let me just go get him. Hang on, here we go. He's going the lobby. He's just outside. Hang on, let me just go get him. Hang on, here we go. He's going to be red. He's thought of some kind of pun with a pirate. It's going to be a pun. It's going to be like... Oh, hello.

Hello, Captain. Yes. If you're having some trouble walking there, take a seat, please. Thank you very much. It's nice to meet you. I'm Eli Silverman. I'm the co-host of the show. Arr, Jim Ladd.

You're my little Eli Silverman. I've heard so much about you. I've heard so much. I am Captain Blue Balls. That's my name, and I'm sticking to it. And I tell you, I've not had sex. I've almost had sex, but I've not had sex I've almost had sex but I've not had sex in years

oh right oh what keeps happening preventing you from ejaculating well for instance I meet a fine lady in a tavern

and we get on after some tankards of air right arrr yeah and err what happens then we get romantically entwined we do oh and then yeah and her what happens then

we get romantically entwined we do oh and then just as we're about to do the sinful deed right all of a sudden

she just vanishes poof and I'm left oh ar oh ar I'm left with blue balls oh ar oh ar

this has so definitely been done before as well oh well this joke is literally from so i tell you i must be curious for i took the evil treasure and i forgot that on the coin it says anyone who takes this treasure shall never ever have sex in any weather you'll get so close, O'Rour you will, but take these and then you won't come it was a long curse, but the gist was

I can never come ever again O'Rour but you constantly have blue balls O'Rour O'Rour Jim Ladd I can raise the main sail but I cannot go to sea Now, we're... Sorry, Jim, lad. Oh, my God. No, I'm Eli. Eli's from... I can raise the mainsail,

but I cannot go to sea. Right. Who are... Now, lovely to meet you, Captain. Oh, no. Oh, you couldn't give a little bit of relief, could you, to an old captain of the sea? Yes.

Shut up. Please. Please. Please Please Paul Paul please You have to actually review the thing I've got Anyway I thought

Because you're listening to some pirate stuff today I thought I'd get involved I'll tell you what Captain I'll tell you what Okay how about this For a compromise I'll tell you what I'll go watch some what okay how about this for a compromise yeah i'll go watch some porn and maybe that will set me off you can go in the lobby there's all sorts of stuff

in there but perhaps you'd like to join us uh when we do the sea shanties do you know any sea shanties i've got one yeah it's about yeah it goes oh no we don't have to hear it now what do you do with a great old stiffy what do you do with a great old stiffy what do you do with a great old stiffy? What do you do with a great old stiffy? What do you do with a great old stiffy? Nothing and I'm in pain. Who are my pit rises? Who are my pit rises? Who are my pit rises? But then it comes to nothing.

Oh, thank you, Captain. You've passed the audition with that. Thank you. I'll be back next week. Oh, what a character. What a charming guy. What a horrible pirate's curse he's got. I think we can all agree that he's a charming man.

So. Goodbye, everyone. So, Paul. Yeah, I've just got to drink a cup of tea. All right. so oh goodbye everyone so Paul yeah I'm just going to drink a cup of tea alright should I go continue with the record review now yeah

okay oh not ooh ah just a normal ah just ah so Ty that was very exhausting this is a promotional item

which we assume was obtained by people by sending away coupons that were on packs of fish fingers based on the very few pieces of information we could find online

like Discogs and 45 Cat I don't know what that stands for by the way do you know what 45 Cat means? no but that's the problem with that is it's all loads of people

just complaining about their lives fucking miserable cunts on there I bought this thing I make a bit of money and it turns out it's all the honest what's the fucking point of me yeah exactly so not a lot of hard facts but there's no date on the whole

thing it must be late 70s early 80s at the very latest early 80s captain bird's eye for people who don't know it was a character a marketing figure used by the bird's eye company to sell fish fingers captain bird's eye also known as Captain Igloo in other countries, is the advertising mascot for the Birds Eye frozen food brand founded by Clarence Bird's Eye. Captain Igloo, a lot more problematic. So he's at the home of the native... I think it's just a translation thing.

I don't think Igloo, it's not. It's I-G-L-O, so it might be Igloo. Oh, I see. I'm just saying. So it's been played by various actors over the years, but the most prominent one is a guy called John Hewer. And he played the atypical salty sea dog. You know, like the guy from Tintin.

Haddock. Haddock. It's got a kind of Captain Haddock, but much more friendly. Haddock was a proper full-on drunk. Yeah. And terrible person. I love those. I love those comics.

So he had a Merchant Navy uniform, a white polo neck sweater, and a sea-faring accent. So he has a sort of combination of haddock of being a sea dog, but also there's sort of a military... Do you know what I mean? There's a sort of naval kind of edge to him. I think he runs his own official navy of some kind.

There's an authoritarian edge with that. What they say as well is that the reason why it's kids in the advert, because the idea was like he was a... To sell Fish Fingers to children. Well, that was the thing. They were trying to keep the brand relevant to kids. And so if they brought kids into the advertising

rather than the mums and dads, it made the kids go, I want Fish Fingers, mum and dad. And then that was a brand loyalty. It's so weird and creepy, the whole idea of it. A man, an old man on the open seas with a... Abducting children and taking them in his boat.

Essentially. I presume they go on... They go on their own free choice. I think they get press ganged. Like they're all in like, you know, An old man on the open seas with a boat. Abducting children and taking them in his boat. Essentially. They go on their own free choice. I think they get press ganged. Like they're all in like, you know, a school and they're drinking their milk and then at the bottom they find a coin and they're like, you're on a boat now. Exactly.

That's what I'm saying. When you actually look at naval history and there's all the stuff that he's referencing as a character, it's dark. Do you know what I mean? You die on boats, these boats. You'd get, you know, wars. There'd be pirates.

There'd be sickness and absolute filth, terrible poverty and filth and disease on these boats. And then you're putting children into this thing. Yeah, but you know why? It's because they're going for this Enid Blyton version of that kind of life. I know, but it just doesn't work when you know the reality and even with the stories.

So we'll tell them. But back in, like, the 70s when the adverts first came, you know, I probably just doesn't work when you know the reality and even with the stories. So we'll tell them. But back in the 70s when the adverts first came, I probably put an advert in. As we sailed on our quest for the prime white cod, I called out through my hailer to a tribe I saw on a distant shore who answered. Hello, sailor. Captain Birdside. Now the tribe of that land weren't a happy band as I joined them by the fire. And the meal we got was not so

hot and you know i'm not a liar let's cheer them up with some fish fingers bird's eye fish fingers juicy white cuts of cod in crispy golden breadcrumbs made as only birds i know how and did they smile it stood out a mile now the memory of it lingers they get on their knees and When they came in, I was like, it was a different era. It was like, you look at how kids' programming was. It doesn't sound that much different from like a sitcom for kids kind of concept. You know, it's not too dissimilar to like Rainbow or... Well, Captain Pugwash. Yeah. So there is a sort of concept. You know, it's not too dissimilar to like Rainbow or... Or Captain Pugwash. Yeah.

So there is a sort of precedent for... Or the Double Deckers. There's a reference for you. Is that a boat thing as well? No, Double Deckers was a British show

made about a bunch of kids who lived in a double-decker bus in London. But it had this weird kind of... It looked like an American show because of the way it was filmed on film. I'd like to see that.

Come along with the Double Deckers. They lived in it? Yeah. Swinging 60s kind of show as well. That's interesting. Very odd. I'd like to see that. Come along with the double deckers. They lived in it. Yeah. Swinging 60s kind of show as well. Okay. Very odd. I don't remember too much more about it than that. But there you go.

You know what I'm saying about the inappropriateness of the whole concept of Captain Birdside? Yeah, because now we live in a cynical age where we just think, oh, he's a fucking nonce.

It's not that. It's not that he's a nonce. And there's nothing particularly creepy about the way he behaves as a character. He's friendly. He gives the kids fish fingers.

You know what I mean? But I just mean the whole sort of darkness of the history. Slavery. Yes. Do you know what I mean? And like, you know what the Brits did? They had... They hired pirates.

They hired pirates. To attack the Spanish. Yes. Funnily enough, it was one of those stories in that book. In Lyme Regis, we saw this statue, this privateer, they called them, didn't they? Yeah. Basically, you had your own sort of dominion over your own fleet. Because it kind of killed two birds with one

stone. It kept the Spanish at bay and also it kind of was like, we'll turn a blind eye to this shit, providing you help this. Dark and violent is what I'm trying to say, and no place for children. It just seems like it's a strange anachronistic thing. What could you do? Put them all on a salmon

trawler in the middle of the fucking North Sea. You know what it goes back to as well I think is Treasure Island. Yeah. Which was a hugely popular thing wasn't it? So there's a sort of

adventure, boys owned adventure aspect. Yes there's that. Well I'll tell you what let's play a clip from this vinyl because the first

side of the vinyl comes with, because this is the thing the vinyl comes with the book. Which has got quite a high production standard. It's very nice.

And one of the guys on 45 Cap pointed out the back cover has a picture of the sea. You're looking out to sea and standard. It's very nice. And one of the guys on 45 Cap pointed out the back cover has a picture of the sea. You're looking out to sea and there's a rainbow but the sun is there. Yeah.

And he said... It would never happen in reality. You can't see if they never see the sun. It's like... It's a drawing. Yeah.

There's also not an old man with a boat full of kids anywhere. Yeah, exactly. It's read by Brian Kant. Yes. This. Of Play School.

So it is a storybook about a bunch of kids and Captain Birds getting into an adventure with pirates looking for gold, right? And the pictures were all black and white so you could colour them in like a colour book, which is a nice touch. So let's play a little clip of that right now.

Come and get it, come and get it, she called sweetly. And leaning over the side, she scattered into the water nothing less than the ship's entire supply of fish fingers. A drastic measure indeed, but it did the trick. The octopus promptly dropped Captain Bird's iron bend back in the boat and slid off to tuck into a feast of fish fingers. It was still happily munching when the captain and bend returned with the gold. The crew were so delighted that they gave a loud cheer. Unfortunately this awoke the

cross-patched pirates who were so tired after their night raid that they had been having a snooze in their cabins. When they peered out of their portholes and saw what had happened they rushed on deck roaring with anger. Then followed a desperate sea chase back to Birdseye Harbour, with the pirates so close that Captain Birdseye and his crew could see the battle scars on their ferocious faces. Watching in horror from the quayside were all the Birdseye fishermen. It was then that Captain Birdseye had his splendid idea.

Fetch your nets, fisherman, he roared as he leapt ashore. We're after the biggest catcher wriggling ruffians you've ever seen in your lives so saying he set off for the castle with his crew carrying the gold

and the fishermen carrying their nets puffing and panting behind them hurry hurry cried Belinda as the cross-packed pirates began to swarm up

the hill after them armed to the teeth now here's what I'll say about that right ooh bad Brian Cant legend kids TV show legend lovely voice 70s and 80s armed to the teeth. Now here's what I'll say about that, right? Ooh, bad. Brian Cant, legend,

kids TV show legend of the 70s and 80s. Does a professional job. He's trying to read the whole story on one side. So the fucking pace is breathless to it. Yeah.

To the point where it's like, I felt like he was having like a panic attack towards the end. It's terribly written as well. And it's not the best story. It's a terrible story. Effectively,

the story is about Captain Birdseye lives on an island with his friends, and then they find gold, and then pirates come. The cross-patch pirates. Yeah. They're trying to avoid any sort of skull imagery. Do you see what I mean? They're trying to sort of take out the real dark... The edges.

Yeah. Yeah, for a friendly adventure. And then there's a thing with an octopus that keeps the treasure safe. The octopus, by the way, the way it's portrayed by the artist is very terrible. It looks like a baby's head on big legs. I mean,

you can see photos of that on the website. Yeah, that's very comical. Also, there's this picture early on, Paul, which has got a lot of dirty,

got my dirty mind going. Yeah, you've got your dirty mind going. Look, he's grabbing some, he's grabbing a knob-shaped piece of treasure out and he's pushing it towards his mouth. To me, that looks like scat, like he's got your dirty mind going. Look, he's grabbing a knob-shaped piece of treasure out and he's pushing it towards his mouth.

To me, that looks like scat. Like he's found a big... He's found a big turd. And he's going to go, there's one lying down showing his crotch and there's a guy looking at his crotch directly there. That's all on you, just for the record. I don't think that was intentional.

Listen, people will agree with me when they see the photo. I don't know. I don't think the illustrator wrote that down. I'm going to draw on it and just point it out to everyone. I'll show the picture and people can make their minds up if they't think the illustrator wrote that out. I'm going to draw on it and just point it out to everyone. I'll show the picture and people can make their minds up if they go to thecheapshow.co.uk.

He's checking out that guy's asleep crotch. Yes. And you need permission for that. You don't look at people's crotches while they're asleep.

So long story short, they use fish fingers to distract the octopus while they attack the pirates and the pirates end up working in servitude to the kids and Captain Birdseye

in a gold mine. Yeah. So there's a little capitalism is good and you can have some of the gold. And they love working down there. And they love working,

the pirates. They love it. It's a problem for me. It's a weird story. Really weird and problematic. And then there's a big banquet in the end. There's a banquet at the end

but he doesn't mention, Brian doesn't mention probably because he hasn't got time but they are all chowing down on fish fingers. In the picture. Their whole diet consists of fish fingers. Fish fingers.

Now, Paul, fish fingers. I love them. I have to say, I love a crispy fish finger in a nice sandwich. Or with some peas. Eli. Or chips and peas and egg and fish finger. I'll definitely go for that. Just so we can get this out of the way, I'm allergic to seafood,

and it is because of some vagina thing that you always go on about. No, I'm not going to say that. Apparently, like mentally afraid of or something in your head. So, ha ha ha, very good, but it's not accurate. Have you ever had

a fish finger though? Well, years ago, but then I would always get ill. Oh, you would get ill? Yeah. And because I had asthma, they thought it was like an asthma thing,

but it was just like... You never correlated it with the fish until much later in life. It got worse as I got older. Terrible. They are delicious. Great.

And they're not very fishy. Do you like bird's eyes? You know, bird's eye, the original bird's eye invented the freezing, deep freezing technique for food.

Peas or something. He does peas, he does everything. It's weird, isn't it? Because then he does a load of, it's just frozen food in general.

He doesn't, I don't think. But these days- But it's all, what I'm saying is it's extremely important in sort of the birth of the modern world,

bird's eye is, because frozen food. Yeah. Imagine like that. It's like Schweppes with the carbonation process, isn't it? Yeah.

It's one of those foundational capitalist entities. Schweppes and bird's eye. Yeah. I hope this is a true fact and I don't research it while I'm editing this episode. No, I heard one of the first dollops

I ever listened to was about the bird's eye thing. Oh, okay. He was an explorer. If the, okay. He was an explorer. He was an explorer. That's why I thought the igloo thing fit because he was like an explorer

who went to the Antarctic and then he sort of... When was this then? Like 1800s? I believe so, yeah. You know what? I had to listen to that episode. I'd not heard that one.

And they started, you know, it's 20th century when they started selling frozen fish. What also occurred to me is how, you know, fish fingers like breaded, breadcrumbs. How do they get the crumbs on?

Do they put the crumbs on while it's still frozen? Or do they put the crumbs on and then freeze it? They dip it in that little batter first so then it has something to stick to. I mean, I presume that's the process. I don't know. Well, if you know how they make fish fingers, why don't you fuck off? I love fish fingers. You smug cunts. All right, all right.

You know everything, don't you? Think you know everything about fish fingers? Yeah, nounts alright alright think you know everything don't ya think you know everything about fish fingers yeah no you're something when you're nothing so it is a terribly written story

and also there's a bit where he goes the angry mob comes along and the sound effects of the angry mob literally go

and they use the same sound effect of kids cheering throughout the whole thing also when the octopus attacks it's like the sound effect is someone splashing around

in the bath. Yeah, just like, Nigel, just splash around in a bucket. Everything about, I think they've tried to make the octopus not very threatening

in reality. But the thing is also, the sound mixing is a bit weird because the sound effects and music are quite loud in the mix. So with Brian Kant's kind of breathless delivery

to try and squeeze it onto one side and then the cacophony of noise, it's weirdly intense to listen to it was knocked off wasn't it in a day or two

but the B side is where I like to talk about the shanties there are shanties you know shanties were quite popular a year or so ago weren't they

there was some kind of internet thing some bunch of bellends did a shanty and it was great and then everyone tiktoked it or whatever I don't know

I'm old now I don't care they all just go ooooh up she rises ooooh and then everyone TikTok'd it or whatever. I don't know. I'm old now. I don't care. They all just go, ooh, up she rises. And then up she rises. Yeah, all that stuff. But it was a thing. And there are some,

on the B side, there was a bunch of shanties. And all they've done is they've taken familiar shanties and they've put Birdseye specific lyrics all over it. Singing children. Basically, based on what the action in the book, really. There's one song that the one shanty they're going to play. At the action in the book, really. There's one song that the one channel

are going to play. At the end of the story, they're having a big banquet and then they decide, this is quite clever, like the link, at the end of the story on side one,

they're having the banquet put on by the British government, wasn't it? No, it is. The government rewards him for enslaving the pirates. It's a fictional land. I don't think it's like...

Yeah, but the government of that land rewards him. Well, it's a royalty, isn't it? So it's probably the fealty. The king rewards him for enslaving the pirates. Yeah. Okay? I mean, well done.

Yeah. And they're all eating fish fingers. And then they say, to celebrate, they're going to sing some shanties. Turn out, and then you turn over for the shanties, which are on the other side. And you have, there's nowhere we'd rather be. I mean, that sounds a bit... That sounds like they've been forced to say that. Or like, you know, what's that?

Monkhausen. By proxy syndrome. Yeah, that one. Not Monkhausen. Bob Monkhaus, by proxy syndrome. What's it called?ausen. By proxy syndrome. Not Munchausen. Bob Munchausen. By proxy syndrome. What's it called? The Cronenberg syndrome.

Pring prong crongabrong prong syndrome. No, what's that? When you're a hostage. Bill Paxton by proxy. When you're a hostage and you fall in love with your capital. Oh, Stockholm syndrome. Stockholm syndrome. Is it Stockholm syndrome?

Yes. That sounds like Stockholm syndrome, doesn't it? There's nowhere we'd rather be. Than in a fishy fishy stinky boat with this weird bearded guy yeah great

yes and then you've got oh the cross patch pirates what do you do with a cross patch pirate cross patch pirate

what do you do with a cross patch pirate what do you do with a cross patch pirate enslave him in gold mine

yeah there you go don't form a union no smash that union do you know what I mean smash that union for it it rises

break their morale and kill their family yeah totally rip off a bunch of fucking innocents right so hard hitting shit

the seabird the seabird sailed over the ocean yeah very boring and then you have Captain Birdseye which is like praising him

yeah it's a song about well actually that song particularly is one I'm going to play which is like praising him. Yeah, it's a song about... Well, actually, that song particularly is the one I'm going to play, which is the kind of... It kind of condenses the book into a song. Paul, can I ask you a question? No, I'm going to play the song now. Captain Birdseye went to sea

With Emberley, the U and Me To bring the gold back for Tend safely and catch the cross-patch virus. In waterless blue with mermaid's fare, we found the gold to our despair, hidden in an octopus's lair. Good job, we like fresh fingers. Captain Bird, I went to sea with Pen Melinda, you and me, to bring the gold back home safely, and catch the cross-bred virus. O'er the sea, at a spanking pace, the salty shark, we then did race. Skull on each pirate's fearsome face, as he brandished his dagger and broadsword. The captain bird, I went to sea with.

Then Belinda, you and me, to bring the gold back home safely, and catch the cross-bred virus. The bird's eye Canon soon did boom. The pirates all were filled with gloom and dragged away to meet their doom in the depths of Bird's Eye Forest. Captain Bird's Eye's the punsie with Ben, Melinda, you and me. We brought the gold back home. Yippee!

And brought the cross-patch pirates. Now ask me a question. Are you going to play When They Get Angry, The Angry Horde, please? Yes, I'll play that because that's the bit that means most to you, apparently, out of all of it.

We need scores for both these records. I just remembered. We've got scores. It's just, are they a platter or are they a splatter? That's right. So we go for the first one. Wait there.

Wait there. Oh. Come over here. I tell you what, I was stroking it and I was getting right close to coming. And then the porn went off. Is this the pirate? This is the pirate again.

And did the voice seem different? Arr, Jim Ladd. Oh, hello, Captain Blue Balls. I be whining in the toilets and watching porn on my phone. Did you manage to? And I tell you, I'm about to do it. Finally about to do it. And then, oh, no, my phone's buried, and I cut off.

Oh, R. Oh, R. Oh, R. Oh, my balls are blue. Now, do you have... Oh, what a curse. Are you going to... What a curse.

My crimes do not deserve that. Now, Captain Blue Balls. Captain Blue Balls. Aye. I've heard both tracks. And we would like... It was hard to keep the rhythm. So we'll go for the first track.

We'll see what you think. I'm a slave to the rhythm. The first of the platters today, Paul. We'll see what you think. I'm a slave to the rhythm. The first of the platters today, Paul. I mean, Captain. Oh, I'm here as well, though. So you can ask me as well. Do I have to get a separate score from you and the Captain? Arr!

Okay. Yeah. So both of you. Yes, please. We're both listening. First record was Isambard, Kingdome Brunel and other comical seagulls from our Ariel. I like it.

It's an L on the end of Ariel. I don't understand that. With old Pete and like it. It's an L on the end of aerial. I don't understand that. With old Pete and John Christie. It's a platter for me. I think it's a charming slice of local radio fun. And it's a nice little kind of time capsule-y thing. I like it. It has some charm for sure.

And what does the captain say? I was singing, I couldn't get that song out of my head. So it was. That put me off. I'm trying to stroke it. And I go, isn't my kingdom brutal? Jimmy Jim Land. So a platter or a splatter?

I wish I could splatter. I know. It's a platter for me. Okay. And moving on. And for me as well. Yeah. I like it.

Definitely for that lo-fi sort of. Yeah. The cultural sort of artifact aspect of it. And the second of our records, which is the book and colouring book The Adventures of Captain Birdseye,

High Sea Adventure and Sing Along Shanties with the captain. Now, captain, we'll go to you first because you are appropriate for this. Captain Blue Bulls.

That's right, that's my name. What did you think? A platter or a splatter for you? Arr, little Eloy, I tell you. I found it joyous. It took me back to my youth, it you? Arr, little Eloy, I tell you. I found it joyous. It took me back to my youth, it did.

Arr, I was... I'll tell you a secret. I was on that very island with Captain Birds. He told me everything he knew. What was he like as a person? He was absolutely charming. All right. There's nothing else.

Okay, and Paul? So it's a... Oh, it's a platter for me. I like the shanties. I remember. Paul? So it's a... Oh, it's a platter for me. I like the shanties. Paul? Yes. It's almost borderline because it's kind of

not that interesting and yet very interesting at the same time. But I'm going to give it a platter because I think that's fair. I'm going to go splatter, I'm afraid, on this. Oh, no, I understand, though.

I found it very aggravating of everything about it. I get that. The speed of the story, like you were saying, and also the really annoying children were saying yeah and also the really annoying children's choir yeah

and also the problematic things no I don't disagree with your opinion the best thing about this for me is the way he's looking at that guy's crotch

he's asleep yeah you get no pushback on that for me okay so that's the end so I tell you what before I go I just want to give you one of my own

sea shanties I do okay here we go if you know it join along. All right, I will, yeah. My ball bag is aching today. Oh, yeah.

My ball bag is aching all day. Oh, yeah. I wish I could do something about it. I can't, no. But I can't because my balls are going grey. If you let me now, Captain. I'm trying to spunk out me knob and... I'm trying to spunk out me knob.

Hoorah! I'm trying to spunk out me knob and... But the spunk, it won't go far. Oh, stroke me. Stroke me. Oh, stroke me stroke me oh stroke me off please till I come I come stroke me

stroke me my balls are as big as some plums oh it brings me back oh I'm gonna get back on the SS throb on goodbye I'm gonna get on the SS throb on goodbye I'm gonna get on the SS throb on and go out to the high seas oh

maybe I'll get it one day I don't know I've got a goal I say goodbye captain it was lovely singing with you captain oh god what an emotional day it's been here so it's time to say goodbye so let's sign off right we've been talking too long it's time to go

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but we're most chatty on Twitter I'm at Paul Gannon's show it's at the cheap show pardon Eli is Eli Snoyd you spell it? E L I S N O I D.

And I feel like Brian can't reading out a captain bird's eye story, but it is time to go. We'd love to see you at the live show. We hope to see you soon. We hope you listen in again. And thank you. Please share and enjoy. Did you say mention the patrons?

Yeah, I did. I said, thank you. Thanks patrons. And it's lovely. And if people want to help, they can,

that'd be nice. I feel like I haven't said Chodney or Chadney or Radney enough the whole episode. Yeah, but we've had Leela Lula. We've had Shanties. You know what? It's been refreshing today. It has not. We've had so much brand new fucking material.

All right. Goodbye then. I was trying to get a big ending. All right. Yar, tell me about it. No, no, no, no. Goodbye, everyone. Goodbye, everyone. Fucking hell. alright no no no goodbye everyone goodbye everyone

fucking hell