CheapShow - Ep 281: Gannon's Second Golden Quest Part One

Episode Date: May 13, 2022

The Quest Master returns! In yet another thrilling “walkabout” episode, Paul and Eli go exploring the woods of North London and take on 4 cheap challenges. It’s an adventure so big/drawn out, that it had to be split into two episodes! The journey begins in High Barnet and takes the cheap chaps on an escapade that goes off the rails before it begins. It also doesn’t help that they quickly get lost and must back track to return to the trail. It’s an episode packed with cheeky dogs, arguments, indecent proposals, a chocka hungry goblin, a nappy obsessed knight, a few painful accidents and an “Off Brand/Brand Off” that could be a lot more difficult than it first seems. To make things spicier, there’s real cash on the table for Eli to win, so The Quest Master has made the challenges a little more difficult as a result, which please Paul greatly. Will Eli reign victorious? Will Paul injure himself? Will they even figure out where they are going? Listening to this podcast will reveal all! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-281-gannon-s-2nd-golden-quest Tickets for LIVE SHOW on August 13th: Episode 300 Live https://harrowarts.com/whats-on/event/cheapshow-300-live For Information on travel and accommodation for CS300 https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/cheapshow-300-show-info And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Ah, hello, it is I, the Questmaster, ah, sweet Joker, and I am here to introduce to you the second Ganon's Golden Quest. Oh, it went on for too long, so they had to split it into two episodes. I hope that's alright. Anyway, without any further ado, let us go and join the boys at the beginning of their quest.

Ooh, sweet chocker. Hello. It is Monday. What's the date? Hang on. Start again. Hello. My name is Paul Gannon and I'm with Eli Silverman.

Hello, Paul. Nice to see you. Lovely day. It is Monday, the 9th of May, and we are outside New Barnet Station. Do you know why? Do I know why? Yeah, why we're here today. Let's start again. Start again. No, this is fine. I'm enjoying this. I like the rhythm that will soon happen between us.

Right, so... Right. So, do you know why we're here mr silverman oh so you are asking me yes i do paul because we've discussed it in sort of quite a lot of detail just now even so you want me to pretend for the sake of the listener like i'm discovering this anew what we're doing or that i'm coming up with the idea now i don't know the thing we didn't plan... Yeah, start again. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Jeep Show, and it's the 9th of May 2022. It's midday just gone, and we're outside New Barnet Station,

and I'm going to tell you why, Mr Silverman. Oh, I think I know. Awful. Because it's been almost a year, and I thought, I've been on a roll recently with popular things. People have been loving all my new characters. They've been loving my great ideas for the show. They just love me.

Everyone loves me right now, and I'm enjoying it. So I thought, why not bring back one of my most loved segments of Cheap Show ever, the Ganon's Golden Quest. Yeah, it was good. I've enjoyed it, Paul. And, like, can I just say, yes, the characters have been good. I mean, I think my Jeremy man, who liked Felchon, was, you know... Let's start this again.

Let's start this episode again. Really, let's really start again. No, no, no, we're doing it. So, no, we're going to do a Ganon's Golden Quest. Once more, we're going to have four challenges, three with a finale. I want to say something about Captain Blue Balls. Go on. He seemed quite joyous for someone

who has a severe mental and sexual dysfunction that characterises his whole life. I think that, if anything, Eli, points to his strong character and how, you know, even in all that adversity, he still has a jauge de vivre. He has a jauge de vivre that's for sure. Is that because he likes the high seas? Is that that's the that's what I got. He seems to have a nice thing to say about everyone. Captain Birds Eye he hadn't something nice to say. Yeah. So it's just

the just the not coming thing. It's just he just you know he can't come. Either something will get in the way or he just won't be able to make the birds fly. It's one or the other. Now, Paul, people did love that character. Yeah. They did love that character and it's inspired me, you know? It's inspired me to have my own pirate.

Right, you know what? No. No. Don't you dare. We're not going to meet him. This is... He's an adolescent. Exactly.

That's exactly what I was going to say. Shall I tell you what his name is? Go on. Can't come long, John. Can't come. Can't come, Long John, can't come. Can't come, Long John, can't come. Wow. Fuck that up.

Edit that out. Do you know what his name is? Hang on, don't shout into it. Just hear it. I'm quite sensitive. Long John can't come. Long John can't come is a lot more... I'm not going to say better, but it's, you know, at least you got it out.

Paul. Can we stop this? This is only meant to be the cold open. I have in my hand. We can get into that in a bit. Oh, we're going to tell them about the pamphlet in a bit. Yeah. So, but first we're going to, we're outside High Barnet Station here.

It is a lovely day. We're going to go up the approach. There's a, we've, we'll get, when we get to the beginning of this quest, we'll tell you all, all the details you'll need to know about what's to come on this episode. But this is just our introduction. This is just the beginning of Ganon's Golden Quest 2. And sequels are never as good. We know this now.

Also, watch out for Long John Can't Come. He's hilarious. He's not. I was going to do my voice, but you've kind of upset me now. Yeah, don't. Instead, we're going to have some familiar characters from last year returning as well for the quest. Yeah.

I'll remind you what those are later. But until then, let's pack up our bags. Let's hike away and let's start Ganon's golden quest to the sequel. What's it called? Just two? Have you got a tag we can call it? This time, this time... It's squirty.

No. This time it's for real. I'm not going to do Donna Summer lyrics just for the sake of this fucking episode. It's Ganon's Golden Quest 2. Insert your tagline here. Insert your, yeah. Insert your something in.

Yeah, that's what we figured yeah no picnic mate no picnic for you sir oh oh he's gotten comfortable go on there you go he's a friendly chap you were a friendly lovely dog anyway hello this is cheap show this is gannon's golden quest 2 and i'm paul yes we've done all that shit yes we have hello paul it's a lovely day yeah here in where are we where are we where are we we're in Barnet new Barnet the quest today a bit of a difference a bit of a difference we're still gonna have three challenges and a grand finale for Eli to pit himself against on this journey it's not me it's the my well the characters will come they'll come the They'll come. The characters will come. Will they? Unlike new family favourite Captain Blue Balls.

Who can't? And his nemesis Long John can't come. Well no, he can't come, so he's not a nemesis, is he? What are they both fighting over? He's a rival for the pirate with Blue Balls, Mark. Oh, to find the cure to the curse. No, Long John can't come is a... Let's start

this episode again. No, he said it butate on purpose he's trying to emulate his hero Captain Blue Balls oh so he is a hero then he gives himself blue balls on purpose

it's like a religious ceremony for him oh dear he tries not to so he doesn't have a curse then fuck him he doesn't have a curse no

fuck him but he acts like a curse to blue balls because he'll he'll spoil blue bulls. You know what? Shall we start again? Yes, let's start all over again. Do you know what?

Starting again has become really a bad problem for us. Yes, it has. I don't think I can do the podcast anymore, Paul. Bye. Go on. Bye. Bye-bye, Eli. The book that we're using today for the quest,

for the basis for this route, Paul, is Discovering Country Walks in North London by Mary Lundo. Mary Lundo sounds like a name you've made up. It does. That's one of the things that really appeals to me about this book. It's like when you call London a weird name. Lundo. No, it's like Australians with their...

Go down to Lando. With the Shibu. Shibu in Landon. And do you remember Jared Christmas once said that he used those Australian-style abbreviations for all the tube lines? The Vico. The Vico.

Get the Vico, get on the Baco, change it. A Circulo. Change it Oxo Circo. Right, so the book is called what? It's called Discavero Cont Country Walks in North London. My merry Lando. Discovering Country Walks in North London. And our journey is what?

It's quite cryptic, but Barnett's Battlefield. We're on Barnett's Battlefield. Not Lovers of Battlefield by Pat Benatar. No. Barnett's Battlefield. Now, I wonder why. Was there... The Great Battle of the Roses was fought round here.

That's what it is. Oh, the War of the Roses. In 1471. Oh. Not the movie War of the Roses by Danny DeVito. Where Edward V? Fourth. Fourth.

IV is fourth. The young Duke of York vanquished his mortal enemy Warwick, the Kingmaker. Not Warwick Davis. No. The Ewokmaker. And we're the brave Earl of Oxford. Got one for that? Yeah.

Earl of Oxford. No. Not the Duke of Earl, the famous rock and roll breakthrough hit. Not Earl Grey Tea. By Gene Chandler. Yeah. Anyway, there's a lot of history around here. That's why it's called Barnet Battlefield.

Oh, that's nice. The way Mary has done his routes, which is nice, is that he gives you, for each sort of route family, he'll give you like three different distances. Yes, so we've chosen the shortest, but still long enough walk for today, of this Barnet's Battlefield. There's three different.

You can go six and a half, seven, or seven and a quarter miles, or four and a half. And we've gone for the four and a half yeah which is interesting because it means i can bring my new character in mile man mile my mouth my my my my my my my my my my my my my my well you certainly are a fresh new character. I am a dude. Oh, he sounds like a lot of other guys as well. Yes, let's move on. I'm still figuring the voice out.

All right. I think just a mile, mile, mile. Mile, mile, mile. Mile, mile, mile, mile. I think you've got a solid foundation for the character there. He says mile. He's the enemy of Inchman. So, yes.

Because knowing the old phrase, give him them an inch take a mile. Mile mile mile mile mile. Now we started today's walk at High Barnet. Yes. Other people with High Barnet are Marge Simpson, Amy Winehouse. Kid and play. Fuck me. Fuck me. Do you know the origin of the rhyming slang Barnet? Barnet and wig. Barnet Fair. Barnet Fair. There's a famous fair here. Barnet Fair Hair.

Hair. So, tell me the route. Right. So, we've done the first bit. Yeah, we walked up from High Barnet Station, north along Meadway, down to this little back passage that went behind this house and came out into this field.

And it's lovely, there's just a beautiful little meadow on a hillside that we're sitting on now, Paul. Really lovely. And look at some of this woodland, it has that feel of very ancient, doesn't it? That's a massive old oak right in front of us there. Yeah, this is King George's Fields we're on. We're on the Shirebourne Path which is a little river where they that goes along the way what's the name of the river well that when we walked past that was dry that's the Shirebourne we saw it was diverted and there was a little bit of modern culvert that's where we are right now if you look at us on the brilliant so I'll just try and get in the pamphlet see they've

all got weird different names it's hard he's got quite an arcane and sort of dense way of describing these. But are we going up towards that, the Monk and Hadley Common, or are we just going through towards... Yes, I think he mentions Monk and Hadley. Let's... Towards Hadley Green. Shall we have a little look at the whole thing first? Yeah.

Yeah? Now, if commencing the walk at High Barnet Station... Which we did. Yes. Turn right on leaving it, climb the approach we did, and then down Meadway. Yeah. At the crossroads

and a long quarter mile go left along Burnside Close. And that's where we got into, yeah. And when this ends, keep on along a short footpath. Which would be that one. And then it says

to another road. So then we must hit another road shortly up. Well, judging by this path, yeah, we get to a little crux there. And if it says turn right... It says left there.

Oh, dear. On a gravel track running along the foot of a sloping field. So it might be taking us that way. Pass through a swing gate and ignoring the track running around through a gap, swing round right instead up a narrow field. Ignore the first wide gap. Do you see what I mean? I don't understand. This is like the Crystal Maze.

I think we just fuck it and head on our way to monk and hadley common anyway i reckon we fuck the book because look otherwise it's going to end up no you see he says you end up here i can look i'm scanning monk and hadley common yeah so we do end up where was this book written because it is probably 40 years on from the first publication of this book um yes 81 no. 81? No, it's before that. 78. Me. I'm surprised this field even exists now. There must be stuff that has been built over and torn down.

Let's just walk to Hadley Monkly Common. Monk and Hadley? Right, yeah. Yeah, Monk and Hadley Common. Is that our next? Yeah. We should have our first challenge there? Yes, we'll do our first challenge.

No, before we get there, I think. I think we can do off. Oh, wait, do our first challenge. No, before we get there, I think. I think we can do off... Oh, wait, hang on. Oh, it's happening. It's happening. You're having a stroke, finally. Oh, Eli, it is I, the Questmaster. Oh, hello, Questmaster.

Do you have chocker? Do I have chocker for you? Do you have hot chocker? I do, actually. Hot chocker for my tumble? It's not hot, it's probably lukewarm, but I do have a peanut butter chunky chocker do I have chocker for you are you have to actually hot chocker for my tumble it's not hot it's probably lukewarm but I do have a no peanut butter chunky not that chocker you do you like the look I do want some chunky nut butter there so I give you a hot chocker oh you ready I'll chunk off my

hot nut butter into your hole Oh chocker repeating gags from the fast one is now is there someone here who's meant to be you're meant to be setting a quest for? Yes, let me bring his spirit into you. Here we go. Chocker, chocker, chocker, chocker. Chocker, chocker, chocker, chocker. Chocker, chocker. Ah!

Oh, it is you, Sir Salty Fresh One. I'm Sir Salty Fresh One, Fresh One, Fresh One. Johnny Fresh One, the freshwater prince of Fresh One. I'm Sir Salty Fresh One, Fresh One, Fresh One, Johnny Fresh One, the freshwater prince of Fresh One. Are you ready for your challenges today? I defeat all challenges with a swing of my mighty sword. Fresh One. Well, I shall be inhabiting the body of Mr. Ganon for when it is time to introduce the segimons. Chocka-chocka! I have put my tenor men panty liners right on. He's drip-free. And I've got a mesh, chain mesh undies,

with tenors right stuffed, double-wadded tenor men pads, all stuffed in there. It's forming a natural sweat poultice, and there's a tranche of them all down my legs. God, ten minutes and we've done fucking nothing. Right, here's how it's breaking down, Eli. Yes, not me. Mr Salty Fresh One.

Not Mr, I'm the knight of the realm. Sir Salty Fresh Tits. Thank you. Right. Sir Salty Fresh John the Fresh One. Fresh One. Sir Salty Minj Dribble. Right, Eli.

Yes, sorry, I thought you were dealing with that night. I shouldn't Minge Dribble. Right. Eli. Yes, sorry. I thought you were dealing with that night. I shouldn't have brought these characters back. Right, there are four challenges today. I'm going to break them down for you right now. Break down the challenges, Paul. And then I'll tell you what you get for each challenge. So one challenge is an off-brand brand-off.

Off-brand brand-off. Right. Off-brand brand-off. Off-brand brand-off. One challenge is a special price of shite. Price-o-de-shise-o. A bit of a gimmick One challenge is a special price of shite. Price of the shite. A bit of a gimmick today. Alfresco price of the shite.

We have a Gannon's mini golden games for you. Mini golden games. And then the finale is a challenge that will involve pain. You will be put into a painful situation as you try to complete the final challenge. What sort of pain are we talking nerve pain open wound pain a dull ache a sharp shooting i'll be giving you electronic shocks okay i'm looking forward to this but what i would say is this every item i bought in a charity shop

right or you know pound land or whatever and so depending on what you win you win the value of that game so for example if i spent five5 on this whatever, you will win £5. Oh, it says money prizes to be won for Eli on today's quest. I like this. You're up in the stakes of the quest. And if you win the final challenge, I will double it. I have to say, well planned, Paul, because, you know, the first quest, it did have some excitement, did have some river crossing, which was a good moment. It was a good moment. It was a good moment. But there wasn't a lot of actual money to be won or pain at risk.

So you've upped it. I've upped it because sequels have to up the game. And so there will be taste challenge, physical challenges, thought challenges, mind challenges, body challenges, sexual challenges. And anything that you win will be converted into pounds, and you could win that at the end of this week's episode. Real money. In cash? Cash money?

I'll give you cash money from my own bank account. Wow. So, you know, that's what you've got to play for today. I like the sound of this. So, I reckon it is time... Hang on. Oh, it is time to begin the quest. Art thou ready?

I am Sir Fresh One of the Realm of Fresh Knights and I have very fresh undergarments and very dry, blotty... I'll take that as a yes. On we go for the challengers await. No, stop. don't do that again like you did last year where you just did

Life of fucking Brian or whatever it was it's not Life of Brian Holy Grail it's more of a tomty tom tom tomty tom an adventure

yes an adventure shall I have a different character who's like a pervy history lecturer who goes Oleana Smith Arioli Smith

Arioli Smith and I can be an evil Nazi chasing you. No you know what let's just begin the quest. Here we go. Onward. Right so here we go. We're on our way Mr. Silverman. We're approaching the site of the first challenge is that right? That's of this quest yes there are four quests to this this this year in the barneting in our barnet battlefield got gannon's golden quest all the winds picked up it's a lovely day warm but there's a nice breeze because it's over lovely cooling breeze you're absolutely right and um really check out the photos this week guys because uh it's so pleasant and verdant out here yes there's a there's a vagina tree over there

what's that even mean what's a vagina tree explain before i even look tell me what a vagina tree is well guess a tree that looks like a giant gaping lady's opening no well then what what else could it be it stinks of fish yes so Yes. So it's true that it stinks of fish. No, not fish, of vag. Of clean vag. Essence of vag. Essence of vag. Look, there it is.

Yeah. What, that tree is because it's got white bits on? It's got white blossom? Take a big sniff for the air. Is this because you want to mention that article about the woman who wrote about the world smelling of sex? Feels good, doesn't it? Inhaling that vag smell from the tree. tree oh i love soaking up the vag sniff it's not it doesn't smell like vag anyway it smells nice get ready it smells different vag is recognizably vag yeah i know

at the end of the day it's only a certain limited amount of chemicals that you know that's because it's the same chemical in parmesan and vomit for example that's how they do those those beans so anyway look they have flavors if anything the tree's going to be a spoff tree in it there are a tree of spoff it's quite a sort of similar type of smell isn't it vag semen it's all especially when i've gone to parties it is It all just becomes one big quagmire of guff. Did you... What? That's good.

Did you used to go to... Sex parties. In the 60s or something? Yeah, in the 60s, I went to a sex party. And eventually, once a penis smell and a vag smell mixes together, I just like to call it cluffity-hoff. Cluffity-ho hoff and who was there michael cain michael cain mick jagger was there you're only supposed to put it in my vag

no he he hired some prostitutes to have sex with her with a band and she ended up having full sex with them and he went you're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off happy happy the band off that's when the joke doesn't work then does it i think the doors because of the italian job reference no blow you need to get the word blow in there i did i said you're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off yeah but, but then... No. It does... Well, don't laugh then. Why did you laugh if it didn't work? Because what you were aiming for.

Ooh! Ooh, the vista has opened up. Oh, that's a big vista. It's a vista of High Barnet. High Barnet and beyond. Where we've come from. Can you see any further into London from here?

I think you can. Is that like Canary Wharf area or the city? Are we looking south into London? Yeah, we must the canary warfair or the city are we looking south yeah we must be yeah because we are where are we are northeast ish let's have a look right i mean we are very north but it's lovely this is one of our most our most picturesque walks so far yeah look at that look at that i think that's looking out of town honestly i do well then what's that over there that big cityscape that's like hendon or something. Is it? Let's have a look on the map.

You look on the map. I will. Everything's about me, and I've got seven things to do. I said let's. I said let's us, and I meant me. There's a big crane on the horizon. I meant me. We'll take a picture.

It'd be nice. I'll look it up. Pictures on our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. And we're also filming little video sections, which will be exclusively released to patrons, but it might be up on there in six months' time for the general public. Oh, it's a fact show. Yes.

Oh, we've picked the bench for our first challenge. Look at the beauty of this bench. It's a new bench. It's only put up last year, look. It's cast iron. It's cast iron. It's got gold emblems for the council, Barnet. So it says, one day at a time, rest, recharge, remember.

Tom Brown, now at Peace and Nature, one day at a time, rest, recharge, remember. Tom Brown, now at peace in nature, born 16th of the 1st, 1988, died 4th the 2nd, 2021. Christ, 88, 98, 2008. He's in his 30s. 18.

So yes, still a young chap. So Tom, we're going to take our first challenge on your bench. I hope that's all right. It's a beautiful bench, honestly. It's clean and new. Obviously, you wouldn't want to be dead, but you'd still want a bench like this.

I think when you die, we get you a bench. And it will say, in memory of the Chodney Man, Eli Sidney. I will not be known as a Chodney Man. Best known for Chodney and Inch Man character, which went on to have three movies. Imagine the Inchman movie. I think it'd be quite a dark sort of crime drama where he descends into addiction. Seedy.

He can't get any work. I mean, we're talking about a real facet of my mind here, Paul. And maybe Mile Man can be the big gang boss. Now, I'm going to check whether we're looking south or... Take an inch and take a mile. Give him an inch and take a mile. That's the name of the film. We've copyrighted it.

Don't talk about it. I hope I haven't left my phone there. Well, we did say before we left. Here it is. There you go. So we're going to take some pictures. But let's get set up for our first challenge because it's Ganon's Golden Quest

and it's time for our first of those quest challenges. Yay! I'm looking forward to it. Yes, you should be. Here we go. Oh, Mr. Silverman, bring forth the spirit of a salty fresh one. And the Tasmanian devil while you're at it. Aha, Gadzooks, I'm here. Fresh one, the salty one.

Fresh water. That's right, the salty fresh one. I'm knight of the round fresh one. Oh, something's beeped. Beeped in your one. The salty one. Fresh water. That's right. The salty fresh one. I'm knight of the round. Fresh one. Oh, something's beeped. Beeped in your bag. Your salty bag. My fresh one. My fresh bag. I'm ready for my first quest, O keeper of the quest keys. One of the quest keepers. And my tenor men

is so wadged up. I've got tenor men in my chainmail panties. You have ten men in your panties? The tenor men. The tenor men in your panties? They're my private army, as well as the brand of nappy I like. Whip your tenor men out. I bloody will. Tenor men square. I am joy of the fresh one, the fresh one. Right, do you want to do this fucking challenge? Yeah, shall I get Eli? Let me just introduce it. Upon this quest,

you'll soon find a dangerous kind of fate. But in your first challenge, do you have the taste? I do. I've got a taste for some fresh challenges because I'm Joyous Fresh One Joy Man. Then I must say to you, it is time for diddle-iddle-iddle-iddle-iddle Oh, off, brum-br Then I must say to you, it is time for...

Diddle-iddle-iddle-iddle-iddle. Oh, off, brand-brand-off, off, brand-brand-off. Out in the garden, off, brand-off, off. Yeah, off, fresco, off, brand-brand-off. Off in the garden, off, fresco. We're in the field. Off in the field. Off, brand-off, off, brand-off.

Off, brand-brand-off. Brand-off, brand-off, off, brand-brand-off. Off, brand-off. Right, good. Off, brand-brand-off. So, we've got... Oh, shit. Oh, good. Off brand, brand off. So we've got... Oh, shit. There's a wind issue.

There's a wind issue. Hang on. What type of thing will I be blind taste testing out here in the lovely Barnet Meadow side? Right, well, in the Barnet Meadow side, for your first challenge, we're going to keep it soft and easy. Soft and easy. Right, so last time you had to do cheddars, remember?

Cheddars. I did. Now, did I manage to tell the difference? I can't remember. I hate cheddars. I much preferred the, if I can remember, I much preferred the... The knock-off.

The Iceland offering. No, it was a Morrison's. Marrow Morrison's, yes. Cheese bite crackers or something. Either way, I thought I'd go for something a little bit more sweet, so I've gone for a chocolate bar this time right so what we've got is your first quest is a chocolate taste I have got

Aero by Nestle I've got peppermint and original but then I went to Aldi and I got their knockoff by Dairy Fine called Bubbly Mint and Bubbly Milk. And I've got bubbly milk. Lots of bubbly milk. So I want you to taste my bubbly milk. Can we just pause for one sec? Yes, he has to pause while he sends a message. So I'll just carry on explaining then, all right? Can we just pause? I just have to send one message, literally.

Plane going over, it's nice. Oh, what a lovely day. Lovely day for a quest. Isn't that right? Yes, that is right. And what do you do for the rest of the year, Questmaster? Oh, you know, this and that. Sometimes I work on the market and I sell dongers.

You sell dongers? Yeah, I sell them for Tompy. You know Tompy? Yeah, I sell them for Tumpy. You know Tumpy? Yeah, he's good, Tumpy. When he can't make it, I take over the market and I sell dongers. And what else do you do? I do sex acts. You do what?

Sex acts. Sex acts. Sex acts. For what? For paying customers. Right, anyway, he goes back now. I don't know what was going on there. I've got to go sit over here. Sorry, it was a work thing, Paul. I had to sendilo's back now. I don't know what was going on there.

I've got to go sit over here! Sorry, it was a work thing, Paul, I had to send it. Alright, I don't care. I just had to confirm. It's fine, I think, listening back, you'll realise that I covered that professionally. I've got a corking Tales from the Dancefloor this week, Paul. Do you want to save it for a bit later when we do a walk? Sure.

I just want to get this food out the way. Oh my bloody hell. First quest done. What was that improvisation you were just doing now? It was me talking to a questmaster. Okay. Talking towards the mic. That would help.

I'm trying. You've just got to look at the mic and talk. It helps. Have you got a blindfold with you? No. Put your hat visor down or something. It'll be fine. Eli's wearing a fetching crimson visor.

I'd say it's more burgundy. Burgundy visor. Who was also a 70s porn star who knew Questmaster. Oh yes, in the old days, burgundy visor. Didn't he play timpanis in the Monk and Hadley Trio? He did. He had a strange career, burgundy visor. Was he originally Czech or something? Vizor, it was.

Something like that, but he had to change his name for the American audiences. Oh, it's terrible. And then he found meth. He found meth, didn't he, Questmaster? Yeah, he found it. Why did Questmaster shut up? He didn't like it. It got to him.

I know we're outdoors. And now he looks like a very porous, very poor Nicholas Lindhurst. Could we step outside the podcast? I don't want to. No, I know you don't. We're already outside. So, what outside the podcast? I don't want to. No, I know you don't. We're already outside. So, what have you got? So, you have to step in.

I've explained it. I was on the phone. I didn't hear you. Look, two Aeros, Aero Regular and Aero Peppermint. Oh, by Nestle. Yeah, and then we've got the Oldie Knockoff, Dairy Fine Bubbly Milk and Dairy Fine Bubbly Mint. And where is this brand available? Oldie.

Oldie. Oldie. Just said that. Do you not listen? No, I just want to get prepared. Dairy Fine Bubbly Milk and Dairy Fine Bubbly Mint. And where is this brand available? Aldi. Aldi, yeah. Just said that. Do you not listen? No, I just want to get prepared. Or are you just mentally deficient? I'm preparing my mouth. I'm doing the brain work in preparation for my mouth work. Yes, for I will feed you chocker.

Now, what do you think my chances are of being able to distinguish between the off-brand and the brand for this episode? I think you're going to do all right. I think there's not going to be too many surprises. I chocolate's going to give it away what do you mean it'll just taste cheaper you know we always have that issue with chocolate where the knockoff is a little bit more kind of uh synthetic yeah salty i don't know what you want to call it but just bitter bitter crumbly yes i don't won't have this sort of have a weird tang to it it won't have that feel that sort of quality mouth feel you know where the milk and the chocolate combines, do you know what I mean? Yeah, the amplitude. I'm looking

for, yes, amplitude here. I think I'm quite confident, as you are, Paul, that I'll be able to distinguish. I think you've got this challenge in the bag. All I need you to do... Aero was one of these weird ones which you wouldn't have thought was invented more than 30 years ago, but it was invented like more than like 30 years ago but it was invented back in the 30s wasn't it yeah right i don't know i think it was this is a no research episode of the podcast do you like aero yes sometimes but i also find it a bit too much after a while so weird i think it's so weird that it's still going as a brand because i don't think i've ever met anyone who's like i'm well into that there are always adverts for it though you

go oh the bubbly niceness of a chucky bar oh blah blah blah and when was the last time you saw an aero advert hey on the youtube the other day youtube really i saw it on youtube when there's like best advert to the 80s yeah isn't that always the way back in the day you'd be like oh cut the adverts out when you take things off the telly i don't't want to see fucking adverts. Oh, they ruin everything. And these days, adverts are the single most interesting thing from the past that I watch on YouTube. Old adverts. Why do you think that is? It's because it gives you more of an insight. It's all the nostalgia bullshit. But also it's like a direct insight into the culture of that very moment.

How we saw race, creed, colour, all that stuff back at the day. Well, not necessarily that, but other things as well. Right. About the culture. I'm just necessarily that, but other things as well. Right. About the culture. I'm just going to look up because I'm fascinated. He is fascinated. He's a fascinated man. Aero, invented in what year?

I don't know. Do you think it's more like... I'm going to say 1970. 1935. Was Aero... This is what I'm trying to say. Every single brand of chocolate that is famous was invented in the 30s. It's heyday.

I read this Roald Dahl article about it. It was a really strange thing. The 1930s truly was the golden age of confection invention. Yeah. Just talk towards the mic. Look at the mic when you talk. I am looking at the mic. No, you're looking at me.

I'm talking off and looking at all the fancy ladies. I'm just trying to be present in the moment with you, Paul. Here's your first joke. Can you start the challenge, please? It was introduced in the north of England as the new chocolate. So they obviously invented the aeration process around that time. Yeah, and thought this is how you make... I bet it was magical in the 30s to have a bubbly chocolate bar.

It was only in the north of England where you got it first and then it was sufficiently popular there that they introduced it nationwide next year. Right. I need you to lower your visor and I'm going to hand you the chocolate in your hand, right? Yes. And you're going to do a taste test.

I'm tasting four. Are we going to do mint at first or what? What would you like? Mint first or choccy first? The choccy is just the plain choccy one. Is that right? Just choccy with bubbles. Yeah, I think the mint's going to ruin my palate much more, so let's do that.

Let's do that then. Alright, I'm going to give you one. Now I'm not going to tell you obviously which one I'm giving you. It's either going to be the bubbly milk or the Aero normal milk chocolate. So let me hand you one right now, in your hand, in it goes. He's giving it a sniff. Remember, out of these he has to spot the correct Nestle over the dairy milk one. So I can't tell much from that sniff, it's just a chocolate smell, not very sweet, kind

of a dry chocolate smell coming off it. Now do you remember the taste of Aero, will that help? He's having his first bite or two, it's thrilling times. Oh it's doing very well, I like seeing him eat the chocker. Do you like that? Yeah. Yeah? Very sweet.

Yeah? Very, very sweet. Artificially sweet or just, you know, sweet in a chocolatey way? So I'm about to give you your second one now. Almost like Kinder sweet, which makes me think it might be the Nestle. You know, one thing is I didn't notice the aeration so much. The structure disintegrated quite quickly which might indicate that it's the knock off. This might not be as easy as

I thought man. Well here's the second one. Hand out. This is a bit bigger bit so I apologise for giving you a bit more this time. I'm just trying to clear my mouth. No clear your mouth. Get it in your mouth. Oh I'm having a nip. That's got a sharper sort of scent. Now, he's having a nibble, and he looks confused. I think he's unsure. Now, one thing I want to state is that the patterns and build of each of these chocolate bars are different, so I've hidden that away from Eli so he can't, as an eye look, determine the differences.

He's only seen the packaging, so hopefully that clouds his judgement a little bit more to make his taste buds work for the challenge how do you feel about that one the aeration was much more distinct in terms of the texture was much more detectable of the bubbles yeah now i will say this you don't need to know you don't need to tell me which one to win this you don't need to tell me which one you prefer i just need to have a guess at which is you think is the nestle whether you like one over the other is a different issue altogether that we're not concerned about.

I know, but it's affecting me. It's affecting what I think because I did prefer the first one. Yeah. But did it have the mouthfeel of the Nestle? It did. The first one was better quality. Even though it was sweeter, Yeah.

it felt like they went to... They overall had an overall smoothness of delivery. Okay. That was missing from the second. So I'm so torn on this though, Paul, because the second definitely had the structure that I associate with an aero, you know. Well, I'm asking you to hunt for the aero, not which one you think is best. I know that's a weird question, but that's the challenge.

Which was more expensive, the aero? Well, the aero was 99p for a big bar, you know, the usual big wide bars, not the kind of, you know, Mars bar size one. And the Knock Off, I think, was only 60p, something like that. Should have kept the receipt. I can't be... Anyway, yeah, about 60p.

It was just slightly more acrid, the second one. Slightly less well put together. Right. Slightly cheaper tasting. Okay. So for that reason... Yeah. I can fail at this.

It's all right to fail now and then. I mean, you can fail as many challenges as you want, but ultimately you're walking away with money, so you're accumulating cash today, right? Okay. And if you get the final challenge, you'll double whatever you make. I have to go with my heart and say the first one was the aero. First one was the aero.

Yeah, and the second one was the knock-off. Do you want me to tell you the answer now or wait until you've had both? I'd like to wait. Have the answer. You wait. All right. It will help me with the second challenge, won't it? It might do.

I'll let you change your mind. But right now, you're saying the first one is what? The reel or the knock-off? The reel. So you're saying the one I gave you first is the reel aero. That's right. I just want to lock that into my head. Lock it in.

Right. Next one, then, I'm going to give you... Here we go for peppermint. Are you ready? Do you have water? Yeah, he's... And there you go. You've grabbed your water.

I think it's very important you clear your palate. I clear the palate for the chocker. The chocker is thick and rich. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm get out much otherwise. No. I don't get often a lot of people asking for quests. No. So it's nice that I got your call. There's a lot of demand for quests. When do I get paid for arranging this? I don't know, you have to talk to Paul about that. I didn't, we didn't give you money last time. I know, but I did it for exposure last time. Okay, come on. Let's get over there. Right, here we go. Here's your first chocker. The peppermint chocker here. Right, ready? The aerated chocolate. Now, I'm giving this a sniff. There's a minty huff coming off that. There's a minty half coming off there's a minty hole there is a minty hole come on get it down yet he's biting into it he's making his taste evaluations he's mulling it over and masticating as we go so with a little bit of luck he'll give us an answer

soon feelings on that first chocolate nice again i think that that was similar to the first one I had. It has an overall delivery. Very sweet, but just sort of all the flavours going together well. Yeah. And it being a oneness. And the mint is not overwhelming. It's quite nice. Subtle. Yeah.

Okay, so I'll give you the second one now then. Here we go, love. I need to clear my palate. Clear thou art palate. Where did you put your water? I got it. You got it? Yeah. Let's just give him a need to clear my palate. Clear thou art palate. Where did you put your water? I got it. You got it? Yeah. Let's just give him a moment to clear his palate. This is a very, very difficult decision. You won't take it lightly. So hand out for the chocker. Here we go. And he's having the second one now. Much less. Oh, much less huff on this

one. Much less mint coming off that. And the last one didn't have that much mint, did it, apparently? Well, no, the taste of the mint wasn't there, but the huff was much stronger on that. I feel like this is the worst one. Oh. He's had quite a reaction to that, quite a shocking reaction. What say you? Strangely fungal.

Fungal? Yeah. What was that? Like what? I just got a mushroomy taste when I first bit into it. Weird. So, you've mauled it over. Which of the two is the Nestle? The second one there. It's the second one.

Okay. That's nicer. Even though it was fungal, it was better. So, you're going to say, Mr. Silverman, the first one was Aero. The first one, in comparison, the first one, again, just didn't have the... It's sweeter. Okay. I think the Aero, I think it might just be sweeter i think

that must be the next right so he said for the milk chocolate bars the first one was aero and for the peppermint you said the second the second one was aero yes can i take my blindfold off yes you may mr silverman i'm just going my gut here i might be my worst ever performance was it it was your worst ever performance because it was the complete opposite in each one. Look, it was the bubbly milk that you had first, followed by the aero, and then it was the aero first, followed by the bubbly mint. Wow. So you, in both cases...

Oh, you tasted them? Yeah. Could you tell? Yeah, I could tell, but it's easy when you can see, right? And what would you say the differences were? Were they the things I was picking up on? Yeah, I mean, I'll honestly say... It's nicer. The knock-off is slightly nicer.

The knock-off is just more creamy. Yeah. It has a creaminess that the Aero doesn't. Yes, and that's what I was picking. And in both cases, that's the same. Yeah. I'm actually surprised by how nice that chocolate is. Did I consistently pick...

Yeah, I consistently picked the one I preferred, and it was the knock-off. And you're right, it doesn't have the bubbles of the aero, but so what when it tastes better? It tastes better, doesn't it? Weird. I've not been in a situation where I've been actively, oh, I'd much prefer the knock-off.

It's sweeter. Yeah. So there you go. So we've really, that was always the original purpose of Off-Brand Bound-Off, to see if it was worth getting the off brand. In this case definitely. It definitely is.

It's a lot cheaper by about 40, 50p and quite nice chocolate. What does it say there on the package? Nothing. Definitely better. Ethically sourced it says. So that's nice. Yeah and Nestle aren't very ethical so. No fuck are they.

So Eli. If you want to save money on aero definitely go for the aldi knockoff yeah dairy fine do bubbly milk and bubbly uh mint double mint bubbly mint doubly bubbly dairy fine mint oh it's like a poem um well that's disappointing i've made no money or put points yeah between there to be fair you would have only won, let's see, one, two, about three quid. So it's not the biggest scoring prize. Oh, there's another dog. That's our second dog of the journey, and he's sniffing the muff.

Hello. He was looking for food, isn't he? Yeah, he's looking for hot. He's looking for chocker. I know. No, he can't have any chocker. Chocker is lethal. I know that.

Now he's sniffing your bowl now. He's having a chocker. I know. No, he can't have any chocker. Chocker is lethal. I know that. Now he's sniffing your bowl now. He's having a good sniff here. He's probably recognising a kindred spirit. Yeah, we're keeping it away. We're safe. Aw. Two dogs. How many dogs do you think we'll find

at the end of this journey? I'm going to say five. I think there's going to be a five-dog show. I wonder if there'll be any dogs scoffing hot tods. We can only dream. I would live. Oh, when I see dog eat chud, I have to worship and love dog. Right.

I've got to be honest, Eli. You don't want to do that character for the rest of this episode? No, I just overstepped with him then I think I think I went too far with it should I go just stand over there mate for the rest of it and we'll see how things go

as we continue on with our Ganon's Golden Quest now join us should we check the book we need to check the book mate well let's check it and just chill for a bit here

I want another cigarette and I brought some booze and I'm feeling randy so you better watch your ass. Did you drink a Desperado? Yeah. He bought, ladies and gentlemen, he bought... Oh, wait.

He bought two Desperados at the off-feet at the beginning, and he looked at me as he was carrying them along, and he went, it is what it is. Yeah, it is what it is. Mate, I've actually got... You've got a problem, mate. This segment's not over. I forgot one thing.

What? Drink. But this isn't a challenge. This is just a Brucey bonus. All right. Remember ages ago we did that Fanta thing where it was like, what's the drink? And we didn't know, and then we found that online.

Oh, yes. New one. Oh, there's a new question mark. It's a pink what the Fanta drink. Guess the Fanta flavour. And then can we guess it now and see if we're right? I don't know. What I want to do is just drink it now, have a guess,

and then maybe next week we'll follow it up. We still haven't actually sourced any of that intergalactic coke. No, people have been trying, but stocks have been selling out, so we've had a few people get into it. Why has it been popular? People say it tastes good. It was limited edition, so they sold it and then that's it. People are trying to price gouge it and sell it on There's probably a lot of that shit as well. So let's just very quickly taste this, have a guess, and then next week we'll find that if there's an answer. Okay, sure. So it's Fanta, it's in a pink bottle and it's got a, it's like bubblegummy pink isn't it? No the bottle isn't pink it's the colour of the drink. It's got a pink label yes. And I got this from B&M.

They might be trying to push, throw you off the trail with the pinkness do you see what I mean? Try not to think of it. Sniff that. Sorry I splashed you. Try not to think of how pink it is. Yeah I'm trying to block the colour out of my head because that could be leading me astray. It could.

Have a sniff. I'm getting a sort of raisiny. Yeah. Strawberry, berry, raisins. Isn't it a raisiny? Sort of a stewed fruit. Grape, yes, potentially. There's a melony.

It's very difficult. Melony's in there, isn't she? Melony's in there. Oh, there's another dog. This could be our third. Drink the drink before the dog comes. No, there's two more dogs, so you've had it. Oh, I've drawn the dogs to me.

You've underestimated the amount of dogs, mate. It must be my musk polters. You've underestimated the amount of dogs. Well, I did overestimate. I mean, this is probably a favourite for dogs, this whole area, to be fair. They're not shy. They're not shy about looking at our stuff. Don't want to let them get the chocolate, mate. They're not going to get the chocolate.

I've covered it. There'll be no dog death on this episode, I promise you. Have a drink of that then, quick. It's only been 20 minute segments. It's going to be a long episode. It's grapey, it's raisiny, it's melony. It's melony, she smells familiar. Like that tree. Have you tasted it yet?

Not yet, no. My turn to have a go. Oh, that's not very nice. Oh, what is that? It's kind of got an elderflower or something like that, do you know what I mean? Yes. A slight bitterness. But also it's got like rot. Yeah.

There's a little bit of weird kind of algae rot or something. Do you want to have another go? That's the bitterness I'm talking about. Yeah. But that's kind of like the elderflower. It's like a herbal bitterness. I would say that's like strawberry and like elderflower. Yes, strawberry and elderflower.

And maybe cucumber? Yeah. Very good guess. Very elderflower. And maybe cucumber? Yeah. Very good guess. Very good guess. Something like that? Because last time, we thought it was going to be one flavour, but it turned out it was like four or five,

wasn't it? So there's bound to be four or five flavours in that. You know what? After you've said strawberry, elderflower and cucumber, I can't think of anything else when I taste it now. All right, let's have another go.

Definitely. But it's not nice. Because there's also peach. I can taste peach or apricot there yeah yeah yeah yeah well we'll find out next week I think we'll do some investigation and see

that's actually more intriguing than the last one isn't it because the last one was a little bit farty at least it has like a juice to it yeah I think they're going for a sort of refreshing

almost bitter lemon thing with the bitterness do you see what I mean but it doesn't quite work it's all in there bitter lemon, strawberry, peach it doesn't work that bitter finish doesn't really work because it's a bit weight. Do you see what I mean? But it doesn't quite work. It's all in there. Bitter lemon, strawberry, peach. It doesn't work. That bitter finish

doesn't really work because it's a bit weightless. Do you know what I mean? No. It's a bit watery. With bitter and watery at the end there. Well, this episode's out on Friday.

We're recording the episode the following Monday. If you think you know what can help, get in touch at thecheapshowatgmail.com or, you know, Twitter and shit

at thecheapshowpod. Right. People just let their dogs run around sniffing people's nuts. Yeah. All around. Sniffing my bags. Sniffing my Filipino turkey knock-offs. Are you going to run off with the handsome one?

Listen. You know what? This segment's gone on for a really long time, so I'm just going to stop. We're just going to stop. Oh, this is sick. We need... Oh. We need to check our route. We'll check it now.

We don't have to record everything, do we? See you soon. See you soon on Gannon's Golden Quest. Pop, pop, pop, pop! A chocker! It's getting old, mate. It's really getting old. Is it?

I'm sorry. Go, just stop. Press stop. Right, so we're leaving this area, and we've come up with a sign. Hadley Green, no, we weren't in Hadley Green. It's on the other side of the road there, Paul, because there's another sign for Hadley Green there. Welcome sign Hadley Green, no we weren't in Hadley Green, it's on the other side of the road there Paul because there's another sign for Hadley Green there welcome to Hadley Green, you see it

So what's this then? Because I thought this was Well this is Hadley Green, yeah You were at Hadley, the most historic part of this walk, discover a battlefield from the War of the Roses and a beacon first set up to a wall of the coming Spanish Oh no! Yeah that's in that Henry VIII.

I'm Henry VIII, I am. It's the 8th, Henry VIII. Henry VIII, I am, I am. I got my to the widow next door. She's been married seven times before. That's Cockfosters. Yeah, so Elstree to Cockfosters. This is the London Loop.

Right, so what's to say? What is the loop? The loop is a 150-mile-long way-marked path that will go right around the capital. The loop will eventually link to a 2,000-kilogram network... Kilometres. ..kilometre network of green walks. Is there a guide?

Yes, it's online. Walking in London? Yes, you can. This was put up before the loop was completed, funnily enough, which must have been quite several years ago. It must be complete now. Look, on the map there, you can see this is the green part of the loop and there's a blue bit and a yellow bit so we got where are we gordon bennett where's dr livingston david liverstein the great

explorer who once lived appropriately at the appropriately named livingston cottage on hadley green opened up central africa to christianity oh And almost single-handedly ended the slave trade there. Oh. Oh. He disappeared for five years, and Stanley was sent to find him by Gordon Bennett of the New York Herald. Stanley found him and greeted him with the famous Dr. Livingston, I presume. I didn't know his name was Gordon Bennett, though.

Is that where the name came from? Because originally the first words were Gordon Bennett. I don't know. Dr Hadley I presume. So hang on. Said to find him by Gordon Bennett. So Gordon Bennett the New York hero where did he find him? Doesn't say where he found him.

In Africa. He disappeared for five years. So he found him in Africa? Yeah. I haven't. The fog is that the height of the war was of the roses the Battle of Bourne it was fought at Hadley in thick fog. The Earl of Oxford, fighting for the Red Rose of Lancaster, got confused and ended up attacking the men in front of him. His own army.

What a dick. What a blunder. How do you fucking get confused? The chaos was followed amidst yells of treachery, resulted in the death of the Earl of Warwick, who had only just changed sides and joined the Lancastrians. And it was a complete victory for the Yorkists. Sounds like a bit of a shit show, that.

I noticed when I was coming off on the 34 bus, Paul, there was a place called York Way, and there was a pub, the Duke of York or something, was the pub on the corner there. And the Spanish are coming after. Setting up the Church of England by Henry VI, did not improve relations with the Catholic Spain, and the invasion was an ever-present threat. And that goes back to the pirate thing,

where they were saying, go fucking sort the Spanish out. Right. The only way of getting news around the country at speed was by a chain of beacons. The beacons on the top of the chain of St Mary's, the Virgin... Church of St Mary's. Thank you. ...blazed the news of the Armada across the country.

So, even as the English attacked the Spanish fleets with fire ships, so basically they'd ring out and then another bell would ring out and then another of the Armada across the country. Even as the English attacked the Spanish fleets with fire ships. So basically they'd ring out and then another bell would ring out and then another bell would ring out across the country. A beacon. A bell. Are we talking about bell ends, beacons or... Well, it says a chain of beacons, but I'm guessing it would be... There's a beacon on top of that church.

They're talking about beacons, fire. So they'd light one and then somewhere else would go, oh, look, there's a fire, we should light ours, because then that's a thing. To say that the Spanish are coming. So are we going into Heavenly Green now? Should we visit the church? Should we see if we can find the church?

It looks to be only just down the road, around the corner there. I don't want to. I don't care. Well, where do you want to go? It's the quest, isn't it? We're doing the quest. And we're not doing the church beacon adventure.

There's a river there. Rivulet. Where are we going now, then? Let's look river there rivulet where are we going now then let's look at this river let's cross where are we going now i'm frightened is that woodland over there well i have to check the book well there's a sign i'm going to go through the gate we want it we want to go to monk and hadley oh there's a little stream look let's cross the road and there's people walking dogs oh we did get visited by two dogs also while we're on the subject of dogs you dirty bastard what right i when when you came back from america with this recorder and this muff this muff was thick with grossness and it was sticky and gooey and it stunk so i washed it and the water that came out was brown like not just like a bit dirty it was like brown like it was just it was full, bourbon. What are you saying?

Maybe someone spilled a drink on it or something. I don't know. I don't know what this was. I had to wash it. I had to wash my muff. It's about damn time. Come on, the music. Come on.

Get out the sink. There's a sign here. I'm going to be all right, all right. It's a sign in a few metres, isn't it? So where are we? Jocelyn's Pond. That must be Jocelyn's Pond. Yeah, we must... That's right here. Yeah, right at the end. Right, we're at It's a second sign in a few metres, isn't it? So where are we? Jocelyn's Pond. That must be Jocelyn's Pond, yeah. That's right here.

Yeah, right at the end. Right, we're at Jocelyn's Park. So we're going to go through here? Yeah, let's go to Old Fold Pond. Old Fold Pond. Should we do the next bit of the quest up by Old Fold Pond? We could do. We're kind of just randomly heading in a direction, right?

Let's see if we can find Old Fold Pond up there. Old Fold Pond. Old Fold Lane. So we should cross here over there and then can we even get in here do you think hadley green is traditional village common that was grazed by villagers animals for 100 years it's not that big areas of rare grassland it's about half a kilometer away all right can we get in though it looks like there's property and stuff it's just there we just i know but it's proper let's go walk up walk up then

so we're on a historical walk today for gannon's golden quest there's a lot of history a lot of history battles battles church stuff uh dr livingston's although that didn't happen around here though did it that's not really the same thing. It's about damn time! Yeah, he lived up here at Livingston cottage But I'm just not quite sure where we're... Sydney Chapman Way. Yes, he's gonna shout out every sign that you see like a child High street, it's very villagey, but I'm not sure which way we're meant to be going.

Up here, Old Foward Pond. Old Foward Pond. There's a road. Oh, there's a car coming up behind us we're going to have to cross. We're going to have to cross. Move it, British Gas. Cross the bridge. Oh, there's a little bridgelet. Look, it's all parkland. We can walk right up it. It's lovely. It's a lovely day. Lovely day lovely walk have an adventure stopped along the way lovely fun looking for the next quest the next bit the quest yes well when the physical thing isn't it when the quest is near the spirit of the of the taskmaster enters me and i know what's and i quest master and i and i know when to stop So we just walk and then the quest will come to us spiritually. We're heading towards Old Fog Pond.

Old Fog Pond. I like saying it. There's houses on this side. That's a big house. There's lots of fancy old houses. Fancy old houses. All right, well, let's carry on with our walk. Oh, God, I'm going to have to take a shit somehow, I think.

Mate, those wet... Well, you should have taken it before you left. carry on with our work. I'm going to have to take a shit somehow, I think. Mate. You were taking it before you left. I did. I did some droppings before I left, but it was one of those ones where, you know, it's not satisfactory. You know, you just kind of... You're just getting rid of half of the plug. Yeah. You're just kind of making space for more

scat. So, you've had some wet farts heralding doom. Mate, you have no idea. You know what you just sent us? Oh, look, it's our first wooden bench. Oh, a wooden bench named Smith. What's the name of it? Does the bench?

Huh? Well, I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith. Oh, I haven't heard that one. What's the name of his other leg? I made it work for... So, we saw a magnificent... Our first bench was a magnificent cast iron Barnet Cancel one.

Then we saw some sort of more standard metal ones. They were sturdy, but they were a bit sort of more standard metal ones they were sturdy but they were a bit sort of uncomfortable what birds that it's got great cheeks what birds they got the great he's fucking those great sheets crows or something because we saw a crow didn't we it was a nice crow beautiful crow crow wasn't it and he was on the forage for porridge he might have he would be a porridge eating bird lovely old trees around here as well, Paul. Well, there's a sense of history here. You can smell the history of Wilier.

Right, what does this bench say? Given by Lorna Arnold and Diana Furley in January. No, that's nice. No one died. It was just given. Just given. So we have this bench. Where do you want it?

Just put it here. It's nice. It's nice. Right. So we're going to check our map and get back to you. And then hopefully on next... Oh, I can't believe our eyes. An old foal pond.

And then we'll head to Monkley Haddon. It's an old foal pond. Turn out the music. Turn out the lights. We're on a quest. And everything's going to be all right. All right. Okay.

Old foal pond. Shut up. Shut up. Is that the new Lizzo? That's the new Lizzo one.zzo one i like lizzo shut up it's about old pond the site of hadley stocks they might have put stocks here this is where the stocks were yeah where they put prisoners and and threw fruit at them at them yeah and there's the uh hadley swing where they got to have a swing beforehand that's not the hadley swing this is a stone yeah it's a stone you should take a photo of that this is the site of the hadley stocks people this is the site of the hadley stocks it circa 1827 so they were stocking people then they had it all down there was that usually did you usually die on them or

that was a punishment you put there for a few days and then taken down or what yeah i don't think i don't think the stocks were there for death. I think it was basic humiliation, wasn't it? Punishment. It would be extremely unpleasant. And there probably was a risk of you dying up there. I mean, yeah. Especially if someone threw a brick at you. Yeah, exactly.

Because you don't know what they'd throw. I mean, I presume it was just common courtesy to just throw food, eggs, fruit, beans. It's not a funny definition of courtesy. Well, they're not throwing bricks or spikes at you so that's a courtesy. It's horrible. Did you take a picture of the stocks? I did yeah. Look I'm stamping on it stamping on history. Oh yeah Eli's on the swing now we did a swing on one of our walks last year and it's only fair we continue that tradition with a nice dangly string now it's only a little

only a little one it's not as sturdy but it's on a good branch it'll be fine check it check the sturdiness yeah give it a tug right he's taking the chance oh look at this look at this get on it get it in between your legs all right he's in he's tucked it in nicely and he's off. How are you feeling? It's alright. Feels pretty solid. Yeah? Nice action. Oh, I can hear the squeak.

Oh, that may be... Ow. It's hurting my nuts. I will kill you. I'll push you harder. Here we go, you fuck. Don't throw it at me. It's my turn. I get to have a go. Here we go. I'm going to report live. a go. Here we go. I'm going to report live. Reporting live.

Here we go. Here we go. I'm swinging. Three, two, one. Oh, fuck! He's in the ditch. Come on, mate. I forgot I was wading.

Come on, mate. I forgot I was wading. Ow. Come on, mate. I'm dirty. You hit the deck there. Daddy fell over. All right, shall we go to... Let's go somewhere else. Ow, my bottom and my back. Get out of the deck.

Ow. Come on, mate. I've crushed my chocolate. You've got a heavy... Yeah, bag on. It was very irresponsible of you. Oh. Come on, mate. I've crushed me chocolate. You've got a heavy... Yeah, bag on. It was very irresponsible of you. It was very irresponsible of me. Come on.

I'm sorry, Daddy. Head up the common. All right, let's go to the old fall pond. Oh, I'm coming forward. I'm coming through. Oh, hello, Mr. Silverman. Hello, I'm just going to have to change into the night. Change into the night, for it is the challenge time.

Oh, it is the dog, Bruce Forsythe's spirit. Ha! Yes, I am Sir Fresh One John, Johnson Fresh One, Fresh Water Johnson. Now, this is the... No, shut up. Just shut up. Fresh Taffy Johnson with my tenor men panties on. It is time for the second...

On the night of the realm. You're just going to talk over the questmaster. No, I don't want to establish my presence here as a knight. A knight with very thickly wadded sanitary products for men in my pants made of metal. Do you want a little window on that? On the poultice? Do you want a little window on that? On the poultice? Do you want a little window on it?

I'll open it. Oh, God, there's people here. Yeah, so you have to calm that down. So, right, just blah, blah, blah, quest challenge. Here's the second one, right? So the plan is, the plan is, I went to a charity shop

and I got a board game. And it was called Beat That! The Bonkers Battles of Wacky Challengers. and it was called beat that the bonkers battles of wacky challengers and it was quite affordable I saw this game online for about 30 odd quid and I found this in a charity shop for 10 so you'll be playing for 10 pound in this episode it's very exciting it's been ducks being fed that's nice in it it's nice to feed the ducks yeah that's what ducks do in it they ducks dive ducks do dive ducks do dive often what's that actually

while we're here that little thing that little shed a duck shed fold hill pond what's it called fold old fold old fold strange strange uh i wonder what the old fold was it was f-o-u-l-d though it's that kind of fold isn't it it's fold as in a piece of paper old fold pond that you might you know then in certainty maybe it was a guy called fold his surname and he was old fold maybe he was a miser yeah and he lived around there and they thought you know what we should call the pond old fold pond maybe he drank from the pond because he didn't want to pay for water because he was that kind of miser and he got sick sick and died and they thought let's name the place where he died after him. Look at Old Fold Pond's

duck house. That's lovely. Lovely little detail. I've noticed all of them have that. The one up the road had a little duck house in. It's a lovely thing.

It encourages the ducks and I can see at least four or five different breeds. Look, there's a little, there's a moor hen, a little black, that's not a moor hen, it's another different

black and white one. There's some unusual, there's a moor hen with the little red beak. You see that one? Mate, shut up about moor hens and ducks i don't care yeah but listen mate we're killing time because there's loads of old people there's loads of old people you were descended upon by posh looking grannies they didn't look very first it was dogs now it's old

people just walking around and we can't be we can't do cheap show stuff because there's normal people let them feed the ducks here yes we've got to let them feed the ducks. Yes, we're going to let them feed the ducks. And this is the highlight of their day, you know. So we don't want to ruin it with our hijinks, do they? Maybe this wasn't the best spot for the second question. What did I say? Do you want to do it somewhere else?

Let's peel back the podcast and tell them we've gone in the wrong direction. And so we need to backtrack. We thought we were heading to Monk and Hadley, but at some point we diverged from Mary Lundo's directions. Should we renegotiate with Lundo? We should, but I think at this point we know where we're going. We just need to get back on track.

Now, is Monk and Hadley a wood or is it a location? It's Hadley hardly wood so i presume it's that we're on by the way here hadley green and there's been at least i mean talk about different types of duck there's been at least four different types of bench there's hardly any more than that hardly hardly any more than that hardly hardly more than that the old people won't go they're just feeding well we have to go we have to go, I think we should have... I've set the camera up and everything now. This is awkward, this is really unprofessional.

We should go back to one of those benches we were at before. No, we should just get to the ward, we should just jump straight to the ward. But we have to do this challenge. We can do it later! Well I hope so, because I'm the knight and I've... The amount I spend on sanitary products for my metal panties, it's a terrible, terrible thing. I've got an addiction.

But there are people not too far away from us who probably have the same problem and they probably wear tenors right now. It's probably not a good thing to bring up around people who actually might use them. They look like users. I do use them, but it's not because I wee myself. It's because I like the feel. You like the feel.

I like the feel of tenor men. You like the mesh. I like a huge wadge of tenor men. I like a huge wad of tenor men. The mess of mesh against your... Did I mention my private army is known as the tenor men? How many men are there though in there? Tenor. Tenor dem. Tenor dem, good. I thought that was where we were going with that. Right, so let's go to our next location. Where we do the challenge. We'll do the challenge. Come on the challenge which is not this is weird now i'm gonna go bye oh oh he's gone i guess this wasn't the right place spiritually for the game

so we'll move on we're gonna head to hadley wood and then what would we do try this again have a monk hardly come on come on oh we like it around here, don't we, Eli? It's very picturesque. Lots of lovely old houses that have been well looked after. Because even though it's not really London, it has got a feel of, like, oldie London-y to it, hasn't it? Absolutely, yeah.

The old road signs, the black and white old steel road signs, and the houses with their own lamps outside. So we should say we're coming back round part of the... No, the duck house. This one's got a fancy one. It's a big old duck house on that part. It's a big duck house. That's definitely the biggest duck house we've seen today, Paul. Possibly the biggest you will ever see.

I mean, it's more of a duck sort of tenement, isn't it? Yeah, it's just lovely up here, isn't it? Look, different type of bench. We've agreed off mic. There's at least four different types of bench in one shot. Can we not make this a bench-based episode? I can see them. I'm going to grab your bingo wig.

Stop it. Take a picture of all the fucking benches if it's that exciting to you. I'm going to take one shot that has four different species of bench in it. Look, this is not a bench episode of Cheap Show. Well, benches are great, aren't they? They help you sit it, mate. Look, this is not a bench episode of Cheap Show. Well, benches are great, aren't they? They help you sit down, yes. They do more than that, Paul. Anyway, I just wanted to vent myself about those two old people

who came and stood next to us, and even though they knew we were recording, they didn't move or go to a further point away. They just stayed there, resolute, as if to say, this is our area, we come here every day to feed the ducks because the sex has gone from our marriage. It's one of those things. It's gone several years ago. He seemed to have special duck pellets.

They weren't messing around. No, they had a special tin with duck pellets in. Well, at least they're not hurting the ducks because apparently if you give them wet bread, it's not great. And I think he was wearing a nappy because his pants looked really billow-ish around his waist. Why did you look at that old geezer's pant area? Because some of us, Eli, get turned on by old men, right? Some of us look at an old man in their frail, vulnerable state... But it wasn't just them.

..and get a proper stalk on, a proper chonkus of a... A stalk. Chonkus stalk, yeah. ..a big, old, fat whacker of a chunky dick when I see an old, vulnerable man wearing nappies right that's what i like he like i love it he looked mean-spirited he didn't look vulnerable and the wife oh there was also at the same time they turned up there was a duo of old ladies coming up behind who looked very disapproving of uh the uh the frankly maverick uh voice work i was doing with the knight character at that moment.

It was like the nuns all over again. We couldn't be ourselves because normal old bastards ruined it. Mate, Convent Close. As you say nuns, Convent Close is across there. It's all going off. It's like the monkey. I don't like this. It's the surreptitiousness.

We were meant to be here. Synchronisations. Yes, synchronicity. What is that building? Hadley Green Road with those buildings. Is that like old... Is that a bat on someone's door? Yeah, it looks like a bat.

But that... You said none, and then I looked up and it's... And I saw a conference. ...across the road. And I'm going to... Bring it up now. We saw a monkey toy. There's a mini, and you're a small man.

Shut up. Look at the conference. There's some shit on the ground, and you're shit. Aren't you the wittiest sprout? Look, there's a big, horrible, dirty, muddy patch. Oh, look. That's like your pants. Oh, look, there's a patch of ground

that will have nothing else done to it. In fact, it's just a useless bit of existence that nothing will build upon, like your career in life. All right. Is that a bat on a door? No, it looks like, I don't know. Ooh. That's some kind of old royal building.

They've got their own security around there. It's all posh. There's literally historic bits and pieces all over the place here, aren't there? But look, I think it's a bit posh and poncy around there, mate. Well, we're heading towards Hadley Wood, right? Yeah. We're trying to find some wooded, a bit more privacy to conduct this quest. We can't do a quest in the sight of old people.

Right, let's try and cross here now. Right, we're crossing. Oh, look at this. They're like old stables. They must be converted stables. What's that mean? Almshouses. They were houses built for the poor by the church. Oh, wow. Those are almshouses, yeah. And yet I bet those

houses now cost a million and a half to buy. It's a very early form of sort of council housing or a pre... an idea that came before. You should take a picture of that. Things we talk about, mate, we should document. Well, I tell you what, I think that's all we've got time for for this segment.

So we're going to wrap this up and find a place in the park to do our second challenge. Fucking second challenge. This episode's going to be long. Do people like long episodes? I don't know. Well, you're getting one because I'm doing very little editing.

I'm filming Digi this week as well. I've got no time. He's taking pictures of the poor houses. There's the old monk's house or whatever it is. Not Bob Monk House. There's old people. Right, we'll see you in a bit see you in a bit Right, I'm the quiz master, quakes master, here's a game.

Right, so here's what we're going to do for the second challenge. I went to that charity shop, I got that thing called... It's a very windy day. It's very windy. Beat that, the bonkers battles of wacky challengers. About 30-odd quid, I got it for a tenner, so a tenner's what you're playing for. I've got three cards...

What, at 30 quid? It costs new. Originally, yeah. What does it consist of? Well, I didn't bring the box because it was cumbersome, so everything's stripped out, but you get, like, 400 of these cards with challenges on, and it's, like, solo challenges, double challenges, team challenges, there's loads. I've just with challenges on and it's like solo challenges double challenges team challenges what there's loads i've just picked solo out because it's you for a game 30

quid yeah it is no i agree but also what you get in it is like a specialist not a fantasy game no those games cost hundreds of quid all the role-playing stuff and so you get 10 cups uh for the game uh these are... Some balls. What do they call these? Dixie? I don't know, actually. Those are those American Dixie ones that you always see in those frat boy movies. They're always red. Yeah, but these are orange.

With the words beat that onto it. Which means you could cub into it. Or jack into it. Beat that into a cup. You could beat your eggs off into a... Beat your eggs. You've got blue balls. Of horror, Jim Land. We've got blue balls a horror jim lad we got blue balls look at

those blue balls just like me oh who are my balls hello i'm long no we moved on from that character i'm long john can't come are you are you captain blue balls you are all right i've been wanting to meet you my whole life because you see i'm afflicted in a similar way to you, Arr, I am. My name is Long John. I've got a long john, if you know what I mean. But I can't come. Oh, no. I can't.

I can't come. Arr. Great. So your new character is just my new character done by you. Arr. With a slightly worse pun. Long John can't come. And I'm Captain Blue Balls. Arrr! And I'm forever cursed never to spill my pearls upon the ocean. Arrr! I'm so admirous of you Captain.

My whole life I thought who can I look up to? Arrr! Who's my role model for me? Well. A nerdy, well, and rum-drinking captain of a pirate ship who can't come! Right, good. Arr! Yes, yes, yes. I hope one day I find the cure to this curse and we are all afflicted and our afflictions are gone forever. Arr, I'd just like to come once. And then I'll be able to rest in Davy Jones's big plunker.

Right, so anyway, you get blue balls, you get chewed up chopsticks for some challenges. Chewed up chopsticks? You get... Two chopsticks. Notes, post-it notes. Yeah, this is just stuff, you know what I mean? It's another one of these games that you could assemble.

A tape measure to measure out... These are also available not in this game. Do you know what I mean? All of this stuff. It's like that sock game, but I think you get more value for money in that sock game yeah and I got that for a lot cheaper as well that was like three pound and this was ten even in a charity yeah really yeah so you spent something but you knew it was a posh box it's one of those trendy posh new games of a posh box it's all color-coded and they've gone and they've branded the Dixie cups and I think those are I'm just going to show

this to the camera. Beat that. And they're almost like Simpsons coloured people there. Yeah. I mean, it's nicely designed, but it's a bit expensive for what it is. A bit sort of derivative as well. I reckon, though, in a few years, you will be able to get this for nothing in a charity shop. This is an egg timer with nicely blue-coated plastic and sand.

Do you know what we call these in the Silverman family? Go on. The eggy woofter. Do you know what we call these in the Silverman family? Go on. The eggy woofter. Do you call everything the woofter in your family? The clicker woofer or stuff or whatever it is? It's the clicker. We call it the clicker. I thought you said it was the clicky woofer or something.

Squeegee we used to call it as well sometimes. Squeegee clicker woofer. This episode's nonsense. Right, so I've picked out three challenges from this pack, right? Three challenges that we can do easily here. And you've got to get two of those three completed. Oh, I will. Shall I get the knight back in? Yeah. If you want. Do you want to do any voices?

Yeah. Ah, hello! It's me. Knight of Fresh One, that's it. That's the name. Fresh One. John. John Fresh One. I am John Fresh One, Knight of the Realm. I thought it was Salty Fresh One. I get John Fresh One, Knight of the Realm. I thought it was Salty Fresh One. I get salty, sometimes. Especially when I can't find any tenor men packs to wad right into my metal undercracks. Eli, I'll just be honest with you.

My energy has already just bottomed out. Right, let's do this challenge. Hang on, let me just get these cards out. So what do I have to do? Right. What do I have to do? I'm coming up with it now. Right, I've got it.

So you've got three quests. Here's your first. You're only going to get two of these to win. Three quests? We won one quest today. There are three challenges in this game and you have to pass two. And this is one of my challenges for the overall how many quests in the golden quest? Yeah, four.

Right, so this is quest number two. Yes. So it confuses things quite massively if you refer to every single sub-task as a quest as well. Do you see how that could be? This is a micro-quest within the challenge. Oh, right. So there are three of them, and you've got to get two, right? So you could get two straight away.

I've got to get two to win? Yeah. What if I get three? Do I get a special bonus? No, we won't do three games if you get two right. What if I get one? Then you've lost. I'd like to do three games anyway, Paul, given the value for money here. Well, it's get the way of cutting

the game down aren't you why don't you just give me the money fuck this game quest whatever you want to call it

just get I'm ready I'm ready I'll give you money for nothing if you let me touch your penis and hold it

for 30 seconds always the same we've been doing it for six years seven and it's always just touch my penis this, touch my penis that. If you let me hold it in my hand like a dormouse sleeping,

for about 30 seconds, I'll just give you the money. What money? For this whole quest? Whatever the whole game cost me to put together today. You think I'd let you nestle my junk? I'm not going to jostle it. I won't stroke it. I won't try and cheer it up like a sad frog. If you let my junk nestle, as you say, like a dormouse, more like a fucking mighty mouse.

But I just want it to rest in my hand. And as long as you don't get hard, you'll be all right. Oh, I don't get the money if I get hard? No. This is getting worse by the second. If I can hold your penis and you can't get hard, because I know you want to, then you'll win. But for now, we'll just do these games, right?

What's the difference between wanting to get hard and actually having the effect of becoming hard? Well, we'll learn something out of it. Well, you know, I can want to get hard, but if I can't get it, then I've got a problem. I've got sexual dysfunction going on there. Oh, dear. Well, we'll come up with that when we have to.

Also, do you think I'd let you hold my penis in whatever way? Nusslage, nestlage, scrubbage. We'll find a bush. I would not let you hold it. 30 quid. How much are we talking? A pound a second. 30 quid?

Yeah, for holding your penis. I could get more money, literally. You couldn't. I could walk over there to that golf club and get someone to fucking give me 50 quid. Not with your smashed bottom lip of a dick. Can we just play this game? Oh, God. smash bottom lip of a dick.

Can we just play this game? And that's where we must leave this adventure. Just until next time, fair adventurer, Paul and Eli will be back to complete the golden quest. Will Eli complete the challenge? I don't know. Come back next time. But wait, in my crystal ball I have some clips such as these. Yeah, I like this. This is literally into the unknown though, Paul. I don't know, are we going into the interior here?

Is this the first time we've done a proper walk episode where we don't know where we're going or when we're going to stop? Yes, I think it is. I like it. I like the danger. Oh! He went slamming in, ladies and gentlemen. He slammed the tree so hard. We're going to go deep into the wood

and find a place to set up for the last challenge. Oh, it's gotten darker, Eli. The trees are becoming like spectres, haunting us on our way down the road. Please electrocute me for the possibility of 20 quid. Right, let's get ready and set up for the final challenge. Oh, wow! Fuck, I've hurt my leg!

You deserve that. So join us next week as we complete Garen's second golden quest. It's anticlimactic!