CheapShow - Ep 283: Norwegian Goods

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hello, everybody. No. I'm finding my moment. I need to find my moment before we start. Good. What are you doing? We're starting again, aren't we? What's all this?

Starting point is 00:00:11 It's for you to edit point. I know when to edit point, boyo. Listen. Don't you tell me when to edit point. I know you're planning to have started the podcast now. And I'm just going to tell you now. No. We need to have better cold opens.

Starting point is 00:00:24 I did a perfectly good. I was waiting for my moment. My perfect moment. Hello, everybody. I'm Eli Silverman. I haven't found my moment. Good day, week time, day time. And cheap show time.

Starting point is 00:00:36 I refuse to take part in this podcast until I find my moment. Now, I'm going to go looking for my moment. Ali-la-loo-la-li-la-loo. No, I shouldn't have brought that back. It was a one-off for that episode. Oh, Paul. Can we start again? This is very poor.

Starting point is 00:00:51 We need to start in all honesty. Yeah. I mean, you know I'm keeping this in. Why? You've ruined it. You've ruined my whole vibe. By going, no, I've found my moment. You didn't have a vibe.

Starting point is 00:01:03 I said, week time, hello, week time people. It's daytime, time today for Cheap Show. But that's just shitty mouth nonsense. That's what people come back for week after week, Paul. Shitty mouth nonsense. My shitty mouth nonsense. So just let my shitty... Perhaps you'll find your moment within my shitty mouth nonsense this week, okay?

Starting point is 00:01:21 I don't want to find my moment in your shitty mouth. Just give me 30 seconds of shitty mouth nonsense. All right, have shitty mouth nonsense. This is really hard to say. Then you can find your week, okay? I don't want to find my moment in your shitty mouth. Just give me 30 seconds of shitty mouth nonsense. Alright, have shitty mouth nonsense. This is really hard to say. Then you can find your moment, okay? Yeah. Hello, all the people of time. Don't do the wanking noise! Don't put your hand to your loose cheek and try and

Starting point is 00:01:37 do the wanking noise. I won't. Hello, week time people. Paul is wanking his mouth off, as he loves to do. Aww. A family moment. You've come, have you? I'm back. I'm back in the room.

Starting point is 00:01:54 You're not back. I'm back in the room. Oh, that's a cold open for the ages. No, just press the shitty button. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept.

Starting point is 00:02:19 Cheap Show. Off-brand, brand-on, off-brand, brand-on. It's the price of shite. Paul Gannon. Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheap Show And I go and I nuzzle Yes, we're back. Cheap Show, out of the woods and into your hearts. I still haven't received... Sorry, you're cold. Sorry.

Starting point is 00:03:03 It's okay, Paul. I can take over. Please do. Hello, time moment people of the day. No, if you're going I can take over. Please do. Hello, time moment people of the day. No, if you're going to take over, at least attempt normalcy. Just to warm them up. We can't go straight in. No, got it. We can't just go straight in.

Starting point is 00:03:16 Absolutely. You've got to do a little bit of foreplay. You're right. You've got to say the right things, move the right mode. Moisten up everything. Moisten up. I can't believe. Buy a few drinks.

Starting point is 00:03:25 Get some flowers and then return to the 1970s. Yes. Yes. In a fiesta of Cortex or something. And take her to the cinema to watch an erotically charged movie in a grumbly, grumbly theatre. That's Taxi Driver. It's also many of the contemporary carry-on

Starting point is 00:03:42 films. Specifically, Care at Your Convenience is the one I'm thinking of right now. How strange. Is that what happens? They go out on a date and they get taken to a porn film? I believe it happens twice.

Starting point is 00:03:52 I believe there's another one. You know that's one of the central scenes in Taxi Driver? Yes. It shows that our hero doesn't understand. Yeah, but carry-on did it first. But it's not really

Starting point is 00:04:03 anything to do first. I wonder if Scorsese got it from the carry-on film. I think Scorsese got it from the Carry On film. I think Scorsese watched Carry On Camping. That opening scene. He's a cine-east, isn't he? We've never had Scorsese's opinion on the Carry On films, have we? Has it been written down anywhere?

Starting point is 00:04:16 No, but he is a student of film. He's one of that generation that all went to film school. I reckon he's definitely seen at least Carry On up the Khyber. Well, there you go. Because that's the classic one, isn't it? That's the one that everyone says to film school i reckon he's definitely seen at least carry on up the kyber well there you go because that's the classic one isn't it that's the one that everyone says but that doesn't have someone going out on a date and taking them to a point no film carry on at your convenience he takes a girl out and then she goes oh i can't believe it and he works in a because it's like an educational thing yeah it begins with the following film you're about to see yes involves erratic nature yeah yeah blah blah that used to be how people got their rocks off, wasn't it?

Starting point is 00:04:45 These disguised porn and science films. Yeah. Happy days. So what we got coming up on this week's episode of the podcast, Paul? This week on our podcast,

Starting point is 00:04:54 the Chief Show. On this time, this daytime time day. Calm it. You let me, no. You need to ramp up. This is the problem with you. I'll ramp up.

Starting point is 00:05:00 You never ramp up. Just give me, you just go straight in. Give me 20 seconds, yeah? That's what she said. No, you seconds, yeah? That's what she said. No, you said to her. That's what you said

Starting point is 00:05:08 to her. And then what? You were done 23 seconds later. 23 seconds would be a long time in my life. Is it?

Starting point is 00:05:15 It'd be a very intense long time. 1, 2, 3! Is that what it is? 1, 2, 3! I'm in a mount! No, it's more like aah!

Starting point is 00:05:22 Anyway. What? Nothing. This is why you need to ramp up. I'll ramp up. So, easy going at the start. Okay. Fool people, new listeners, to thinking we're a normal podcast.

Starting point is 00:05:32 Yes. And then when they're not noticing, you're throwing a chodney. I'm throwing a chodney. You know what I mean? At first. Oh, you're throwing a chodney into the works. Or, you know, you're throwing a whatever. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:05:41 One of your characters or whatever it is you do. All right, I'll try. All right? Hello, try. All right. Hello, everyone. It's Cheap Showtime again. It's the show where we look at cheap stuff, we taste cheap stuff, and we discuss cheap and nostalgic stuff.

Starting point is 00:05:55 I'm Eli Silverman. The co-host of the show is Paul Gannon. He's the behind-the-scenes maverick. He's doing his little jobs. He's ramping up. I can see it. I can see him losing control of the conversational car. He does his job behind the scene and I bring you proper verbiage.

Starting point is 00:06:10 The road's getting slippy. I can see he's losing traction. Here we come. Charlie! Here we go. Oh, Boroff is my name. Stop it now. You have to at least pause.

Starting point is 00:06:24 Boroff is my name. Borough is my name. Borough is my name. Who's coming sliding down? Borough is my name. Shut up. What do we have coming up on the show, though? On the show today, we have had a few PO Box things come in recently. And we're going to start with one sent from Yven.

Starting point is 00:06:38 Yven, who is one of the secret stars of the Cheap Show history, really. The history? The history of Cheap Show. It's like a Fifth Beatle kind of situation event, isn't it? The Fifth Beatle, Peter Sutcliffe. Peter Sutcliffe was not the Fifth Beatle. Was he called Sutcliffe, though? No, Pete Best was the fucking...

Starting point is 00:06:56 He was a footballer, Pete Best, wasn't he? Simply speaking, wasn't Pete Best like the fourth and then became the fifth because he quit? Wasn't there someone called Sutcliffe? I don't... Didn't they make a film out of it when they were in Berlin

Starting point is 00:07:07 they were all in their levers I don't believe Peter Sutcliffe had much of a musical career I've written two things down Paul now that you're floundering a bit with content yeah two things

Starting point is 00:07:15 we haven't actually started doing any content yet I have a list of two things number one thing this is pre pre pre show prep that I've done

Starting point is 00:07:24 yeah yeah number one thing. This is pre-show prep that I've done, yeah? Yeah. Number one thing. Ren hyphen church. Make of that what you will. I'm making nothing of that. At two.

Starting point is 00:07:34 Yes. At two on this list and the end of the list, the second thing on the list and the final item, Smarfie. Smarfie. Smarfie. You know, sometimes, Eli, you might want to workshop it before we record. I don't need to.

Starting point is 00:07:46 With strength like that. Let me just write. I've got a few things. Oh, yeah. You've written down. What have you written down? He hasn't written down anything. No, number one, they're quite clear and concise.

Starting point is 00:07:54 Number one, punch Eli. Two, punch Eli in his nasolabial triangle. What's a nasolabial triangle? There. It's the space where your nose goes down to the corners of your mouth. That would be a horrible time. I might just punch you right in the fucking... Nasolabial. Nasolabial triangle. there. It's the space where your nose goes down to the corners of your mouth. That would be a horrible time. Nasolabial.

Starting point is 00:08:07 Nasolabial triangle. Why is it called labial? Labial's a lady lips. I might be pronouncing it wrong. Labial's a lady lips downstairs. Labial lips. Labial. Laughing at the labials.

Starting point is 00:08:17 Oh, no. Nasolabial. Do you know who I am? I'm Nasolabial. And I I am? I'm Nezolibio. And I insist you let me into this theatre. I wrote this play. The Lips of Mary Jane. It's called that.

Starting point is 00:08:35 I'm going to ask you quietly to shut up. I'm Nezolibio. You listen to me. All your voices are the same. The longer we go on this fucking podcast, the longer everything merges into one huge Eli Globulus hole. Okay, I'll give you one last chance.

Starting point is 00:08:50 You let me into this theatre play that I wrote or you don't let me in. Right, so let me get this straight. In the world of your character, you are a playwright and you've been banned from attending the opening of your own show. They say that I'm abusive

Starting point is 00:09:03 towards the cast and the director, especially. Why are you... You know what? I don't give two fucks. I can't fucking hear. You don't give two fucks. I actually was like...

Starting point is 00:09:14 Is that what all the supporters and listeners want to hear, Paul? When I try, when they see me trying, best believe there's a fucking source element to this week's show as well. There there is. Let's get right to it. I tell you what, if you give me a couple of element to this week's show as well. There there is. Let's get right to it.

Starting point is 00:09:26 I tell you what, I tell you what, if you give me a couple of minutes to just get the housework out of the way, the source report is all yours, mate. You know what I mean? You're in control.

Starting point is 00:09:33 I'll give you the reins. Alright? But you've just got to let me get this out without any fucking abusive playwrights. That is Nezha. Or fucking

Starting point is 00:09:41 quirl-less human beings that I object to. Smurfy's making an appearance. Hello, I'm Smurfy. This is my assistant, Smurfy. Hello, why do you want me here? I need you to be witness, Smurfy, to them not allowing me into my own play.

Starting point is 00:09:57 The very many lips of Lady Jane. You know, even though I have come up with this name and this character, I'm already checking out. Okay! Smurfy's going now. Bye-bye, everybody. Bye-bye, Smurfy. God. On this week of the

Starting point is 00:10:15 podcast, Yvain has given us a lovely box full of surprises. We'll be going through those. One of them are food, and one of them is a price of shite. We'll be mingling that in with Eli's source report that's that that's the show that's the content that's the basic extra sources of which we're hanging the content of the show on today second of all we haven't mentioned it a few weeks because of the walkabout episodes but tickets are still on sale for the live show all i'm saying is one go to

Starting point is 00:10:41 harrowarts.com or thecheapshow.co.uk there are links there to the cheap show page if you want to come along on the august 13th saturday date please do it's going to be a lovely show we'd like to see as many of you there as possible if you're a patron you'll get access to a discount code which gives you reduced price tickets and on the website because there's been a few issues with um what do we mention the fucking there's coldplay performing at wembley on the same night so all the travel lodges have jacked the prices up there's shit though hasn't everyone got over coldplay yet no i don't like coldplay i don't get coldplay's ongoing success they're huge in the states they broke america didn't they that was the

Starting point is 00:11:20 thing well anyway because the only band that have done that in the last few years, actually. British band. They've actually broke America. I don't care about Coldplay because even saying the word Coldplay makes my mouth callous up. Makes me think of maybe like someone's got a kink

Starting point is 00:11:35 where they get in a fridge where they stick their bits in the fridge. All right, darling, do you want a bit of Coldplay? You know what I mean, darling? Want a bit of Coldplay? Oh, I'd love it

Starting point is 00:11:42 if you stuck a frozen carrot up me. Oh, I've got better than that, love. I'll tell you what, I'll put my hand in a bucket of ice water before I get eaten, yeah. I've got fucking deep freeze poo-poos. Did you know, Paul? I did know, Paul.

Starting point is 00:11:54 Have you ever had a croque monsieur? No, but I did ask for one once and left with a limb. He's got a dirty mouth. Dirty pig. Anyway, just between your... What, just a natural thing? Sneezing makes a mouth dirty pig anyway just a natural thing sneezing makes me a dirty pig doesn't it

Starting point is 00:12:08 yeah it does and so a croc monstera have you ever had one of those tell me quickly because I've got to get this information out right just save it

Starting point is 00:12:15 you get the rest of the info thank you so what I did was with help from Mr Biffo based on Digitizer Live 2 from last year I've put together a fact sheet

Starting point is 00:12:24 and that fact sheet. And that fact sheet has everything you need to know about the venue, the show itself, getting there, getting there from out of London, and links to places that are just outside of Harrow that you can get to cheaply and easily after the show. There should be cheaper. There should be cheaper hotels. Their lack of their proximity to the Coldplay.

Starting point is 00:12:40 Yeah, well, it's only because it's on the Overland and the Metropolitan line. Wembley. Wembley Arena. Yeah, it's a pain in the arse so if that if you are still unsure about coming to the live show there is a fact sheet on our website

Starting point is 00:12:50 thecheapshow.co.uk top of the page link you click on it it'll tell you everything you need to know about coming along to the show in August

Starting point is 00:12:57 and if you do want to go get your tickets we'd love to see it we have a lot of great guests Biffo's going to be there Ashton's going to be there Ethan Hunt Ethan Hunt that's the character from Mission Impossibleiffo's going to be there. Ashton's going to be there. Ethan Hunt.

Starting point is 00:13:05 Ethan Hunt. That's the character from Mission Impossible. He's not going to be there. Ethan Lawrence. He'd be mad if he was, wouldn't he? What if Tom Cruise just started running around? Running around. Riding a motorbike around and stuff. Trying to disarm a bomb at the same time.

Starting point is 00:13:17 And then he could pull his face off and it wouldn't be him. It'd be Halle Berry or something. That'd be nice. That'd be a lot of fun, wouldn't it? I'd prefer Halle Berry in an Ethan Hunt mask. Yeah. Wait. We probably could afford

Starting point is 00:13:27 Halle Berry better than we could afford Tom Cruise. No, we couldn't afford either of them. We couldn't afford either of them. He's such a naysayer.

Starting point is 00:13:33 We couldn't even have Holly Strawberry come along. Who's Holly Strawberry? The Halle Berry knockoff. Holly Plum. Heidi Plum. Match game. Croc Monsieur.

Starting point is 00:13:43 So anyway, fact sheet, if you want to go and come along to the live show in august many of you there's oh and we've got to do and we're going to give away a prize a bag of uh cheap show uh goodies and vinyls and board games oh yeah i'm going to give away my original ghostbusters uniform suit as well to someone so that's because it gives you a terrible male camel toe it gave you don't want to ride right up the seam it looked like someone had

Starting point is 00:14:04 punched a camel's face and it was pressed against the fabric. It's gross. So someone can have that. It has been washed. It's got pure essence of your bollocks. It has got essence of Gannon in it. Which is probably a bonus for some people. Right, wrap this up. Croque Mon Chou. Have you had one

Starting point is 00:14:19 once? No. You've never had one? I don't know what it is to my mind. It's a very famous sandwich in France where it's basically ham and cheese. Okay. But they do melted cheese on top. So it's a sandwich with cheese, ham, and then on top they put white sauce and then cheese and then they sort of grill it. Grill it.

Starting point is 00:14:35 Nice. Croque Monsieur, though, literally translates as Mr. Crunchy. We haven't got a sandwich name to rival that here in this culture, do we? We don't have a sandwich, do we, called Mr. Crunchy? Imagine there was a sandwich and not even a brand, actual type of sandwich called a mr crunchy or i think colonel beef yeah that'd be better wouldn't it can i have a colonel beef please i would like a henry cucumber it's not much flavor in that i love a cucumber sandwich i love cucumber i like cucumber and cream cheese someone was telling me the other day they went to the Hendrix

Starting point is 00:15:05 gin distillery and they had essence of cucumber there and you couldn't even taste that one why? because it's too overpowering imagine the most

Starting point is 00:15:12 overpowering taste of cucumber how strong that must be death by cucumber essence you could spread a bit after you'd killed someone to death with a big spiky

Starting point is 00:15:21 cucumber up their arse you breed I'm sorry what? what are you fucking talking about now? You breed an ultra-hard breed of cucumbers because you're like a mad scientist or something. A real knobbly one, but rock-hard, right? And you oversize rock-hard cucumbers with knobbly bits.

Starting point is 00:15:36 And then instead of pickling them, you... You harden them up. I just want to make a podcast, mate. You harden them up and then you dip them in essence. I just want to make a podcast. You harden them up and then you dip them in essence. I just want to make a podcast. You dip them in the cucumber essence. I just want to make a regular, boring, white bread podcast.

Starting point is 00:15:53 The cucumber killer. Of two white men talking about stuff that only matters to them. I just want to do that podcast. I'd like to have a generic podcast. I would like the equivalent of a Mr. Crunchy in this universe. Well, we haven't got a Mr. Crunchy. The best we've got is Mr. Beef. Do we?

Starting point is 00:16:08 Don't have a Mr. Beef. Colonel Beef. I'm going to invent a Colonel Beef sandwich right now. Could you bring one round next time? It is beef with mustard. Cheese. Wait. Cheese.

Starting point is 00:16:17 Wait. Cheese. Wait. Cheese. Slices of beef, right? I've got that. Can I be honest? I'm bored of this.

Starting point is 00:16:23 You're bored of everything. And I'm actually bored of you. Yes, and you know what you told me before? What? We started recording. You're bored of being bored. I'm bored of being bored. Don't take your existential crisis out on me.

Starting point is 00:16:34 I've got a joy to veeve. A joy to sandwich. Just because I express a joy to sandwich. A joy to cucumber. A joy to sauce. A joy to sandwich. George sandwich. Georgie sandwich. Georgie sandwich.

Starting point is 00:16:46 Georgie sandwich. I think Smurfy and... Hello, I am Georgie sandwich. Oh, no. Hello. Oh. Do you want to see my fillings today? No.

Starting point is 00:16:56 Oh, he's opening himself up. This is my fillings today. I can see you've got cheese in there. Yeah, there's cheese. Yeah, what else is there in there? Pickle. There's pickle in there. There's pickle. What else is in there? There's all kinds of wicked there. Yeah, there's cheese. What else is there in there? Pickle. There's pickle in there. There's pickle.

Starting point is 00:17:06 And what else is in there? All kinds of wicked stuff. I can see there's some wafer-thin ham of some sort. It's the birdie bear ham. You know, the one you get from Iceland. And how do you make your living? I got a little pepper pig in there too. You have a pepper pig inside your sandwich cavity?

Starting point is 00:17:23 Yeah, it's very good in there. Where are you off to? What I do is I go to schools and I open up my chest cavity. Yeah, that's what I do.

Starting point is 00:17:30 And I show them my fillings. They mostly scream and then I go to the next school and then the next and then maybe a business meeting. Yeah,

Starting point is 00:17:39 sometimes I go to them. You know, Christmas time is quite popular for me. I go around and I show my fillings. And you know, Christmas time is quite popular for me. I go around and I show my feelings. And you know, for Christmas,

Starting point is 00:17:49 I have like candy feelings and such. Yeah, it's good. Johnny Sandwich, everybody. Georgie Sandwich. Who cares? Yeah. Who cares? Never coming back.

Starting point is 00:18:00 He's going to get one of those skewers in him and then it'll be all over. No, that's my friend, Kenny Kebab. He does it. that's my friend Kenny Kebab. Kenny Kebab? No, no, no. Stop now. Open up me leg. Open up me

Starting point is 00:18:13 pizza curtains. No, no, no, no. Source Report, everybody. I'm Eli Silverman. Hello, we interrupt this program to bring you Sauce Report. Sauce Report. Breaking sauce. We're going to be breaking sauce sachets open,

Starting point is 00:18:33 tasting them, and giving you our unfiltered, unbiased opinion about sauce. And we know sauce here. We know it inside and out, don't we? We're not paid off by big sauce. No, we are paid off by big sauce. We are paid off by big sauce. We don't have Heinz breathing down our necks.

Starting point is 00:18:48 No. We don't have HP breathing down our necks. No, Coleman's, no. We don't have Coleman's calling us up in the middle of the night saying, watch it, son, with the mutter talk. We don't have, like, a brick thrown through our window by Branston's. You know what I mean? The Branston bricking.

Starting point is 00:19:02 The Branston bricking. If you ever get one of those, they want you closed down. You do not want that happening. Do you think you can get away making your own chutney at home for your nan or whatever? Your nan dress me. They'll be on you.

Starting point is 00:19:13 They'll be slashing your tyres and keying your car. They call them the men in brown. Yeah, they do. They come round. They come round and key your car. And they fucking replace your pickle. Ruta Barger.

Starting point is 00:19:22 I haven't met her once. I believe she was on Celebrity Squares. I just want to say from the last bit when I started the Kenny Kebab character and then I said

Starting point is 00:19:32 I opened my Peter Curtains. Yeah, Peter Curtains. And then that's a new character there as well. No, it's not. It's not. You saying two words that make you laugh.

Starting point is 00:19:41 Peter Curtains. We've got enough psychos on this show. Right. Be nice to have some nice characters, gentle characters, with a sweet soul. What sources are we going to look at?

Starting point is 00:19:48 Something that an audience member can ship. Oh, ship. You've just learned the meaning of that. I've heard shipping for ages. It means it's short for relationship and it means love, does it? Well, it's kind of like what a fan base does when it takes two characters it enjoys

Starting point is 00:19:59 and puts them in a relationship. Ships them. Oh, so it's like a fanfic. It's a fanfic thing, yes. Well, I wasn't, I'd heard it, but I didn't know what it meant until now. So we're all learning. Source report.

Starting point is 00:20:13 I've got two sources. One I haven't tried and one that I've been looking for for a while, which has a fancy dispenser helmet thing. Which I want to taste those. But first we want to taste events. I've just got a quick note here as well. Oh, you, yeah. Just says, well, I don't know what to make of it really. Who's given this to you? which I want to taste those but first we want to taste events I've just got a quick note here as well oh you yeah just says

Starting point is 00:20:26 well I don't know what to make of it really who's given this to you oh it's just handed to me now it was just handed to you now I'm just going to read out what it says okay Lumley's lips is all it says

Starting point is 00:20:34 Lumley's lips it says Lumley's lips Lumley's lips I don't know what that means just got handed to me now by a strange man Naso Labio yeah

Starting point is 00:20:43 now event who does our fantastic magazine yes the genius behind the cheap show magazine handed to me now by a strange man. Naso Labio. Yeah. Now, Yven, who does our fantastic magazine. Yes, the genius behind the Cheap Show magazine. I would like to continue

Starting point is 00:20:50 doing my little bit in there where I take a photo of some stuff on my shelf. Yeah, I've got to write a thing about a board game soon for that magazine as well. Well,

Starting point is 00:20:56 I'd like to do that again. Anyway, she gave us a great big box full of all sorts. We haven't got time for it all today, but she did. Let's start off with this.

Starting point is 00:21:03 It's the source report, mate. She sent us this. This is literally a sauce tasting kit from Lee Kum Kee. I've never heard of that before. Is that a well-known thing? Yeah, they make sauces for the Western market, and you can find them in all the... I've just made a sauce.

Starting point is 00:21:19 Oh, you've done a very wet, thin, brown sauce, have you? It's more of a roux. Is it more like an atomizer? It's just one of those... Is it a bumhole rinse that you put on first before you put the other ingredients in? Yeah, you put some sugar around the rim. No, this is a cooking sauce collection.

Starting point is 00:21:37 So this is literally a tasting box. This is designed for our sauce report. Yeah, I should have taken a picture of it, but I'll take some pictures later. They are, I think, a big brand actually. Are they respected? I don't really know but they're the type

Starting point is 00:21:49 of brand that you don't necessarily have to go to an Asian supermarket to find. You'll have those on the shelves, you'll have their

Starting point is 00:21:55 products on the shelves of Tesco or whatever in the world food section or whatever. So they're pretty mainstream is what I'm trying to say.

Starting point is 00:22:02 It's like when you get a curry sauce from a famous brand or you know Ragu. Ragu. It's like a Ragu I guess. Yes.

Starting point is 00:22:09 It's a westernised sort of thing. So but this is a nice little tasting kit which has four little pictures on the box or the pictures

Starting point is 00:22:17 can be seen on the website. Yeah. Has people a couple enjoying an oriental meal. Yeah. Someone who's just watching TV by himself looks like. Yeah. Enjoy who's just watching TV by himself, looks like.

Starting point is 00:22:25 Yeah. Enjoying a bowl of noodles. Yes, I agree. All these things are on the box. And there's another. Look, this looks like an elderly couple rekindling their love, maybe. You know, this is showing you that. And then there's a family of kids with dumplings.

Starting point is 00:22:37 But this is the thing, isn't it? It's showing you that anyone can have these sauces. They're for everyone. They're for everyone. You know, we don't want you to think it's just for a particular type of audience. Anyone can enjoy the sauces on display. All situations. So what's in them?

Starting point is 00:22:49 There's a guide. There's a pamphlet it's come with here. Yeah, it's like a collection starter kit box. It's really good. If you didn't know a lot about this, they've got everything. Got some recipes in there, right? Well, they're best known for this. They do a oyster sauce.

Starting point is 00:23:02 Okay. A famous oyster sauce. That's in that box. I do have a kumki. Do you? I've got a kumki. You put it in the lock. You give it a turn. Lots and lots and lots. Lots and lots.

Starting point is 00:23:15 Lots at low. Grow up. Lots and lots of jism. Jism comes out. Arcs out. In a big stringy string. In a big ropey string. In a... In a big ropey string. Like... In a big gooey... Like a goopy, goopy Tesla coil of splodge.

Starting point is 00:23:30 A Tesla coil? You know, like when you see those Tesla coils, like you see the van, they're like... Oh, but actually made of splodge. Big old splodges. They've got a cooking guide here. And look, the person's face is the Faraday cage.

Starting point is 00:23:42 Another item. So I can splash my hot electricity all over there. That I may have mentioned on the show before, is I found a... Faraday cage. Another item. So I can splash my hot electricity all over there. That I may have mentioned on the show before is I found a... Faraday cage. I found a... I mean, for as long as we do this segment, we're going to be doing cum gags. Who's going to say that now? Lee Cum Key ring.

Starting point is 00:23:55 Yeah. Which was a little miniature oyster sauce bottle. Do you remember this? And it had a USB in it. Yeah. Remember that item? I do. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:24:02 All right. Lee, there is something. You didn't read this out. This is interesting. So it says, hello to lee kum key and then it breaks down lee is a run-of-the-mill name in china but it's special to us that's because it's the family name of our founder mr lee kum shung kum means prosperity and key was weirdly it says is a whole other story back in the days in the Guangdong province, people combined their family name with Qi,

Starting point is 00:24:28 which means company, to create the name of a business. Oh, so it's like limited or brothers. It also translates as remember. Yeah. Weird. So it's kind of like Qi means company, I guess. Ink.

Starting point is 00:24:39 You know when you say like Monsters, Inc. Now. My cum means prosperity as well. It doesn't say, I think you can have everything apart from the oyster sauce. Yeah. So are we going to, you're not me say, like, Monsters, Inc. Now. My cum means prosperity as well. It doesn't say, I think you can have everything apart from the oyster sauce. Yeah, so are we going to, you're not going to, the thing is, is this a waste of us just opening these sachets and gobbling them down when we know largely what they're going to taste like? No, because it's the sauce report, and that's what people who like this show that we do, Paul. That's what they're here for. It's just that I hate this segment.

Starting point is 00:25:03 Yes. And I want it over. Now we are doing sauces. And I have extra sauces at the end. So let's get this sauce tasting show on the road. How many are there in here? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. 5 that we can both do.

Starting point is 00:25:17 Let's do 3. No. We've got 2 there. Do you know how boring this is? You are bringing the whole tone down. There are people out there who I reckon fast forward through the source report. I know I do. I don't care. You should.

Starting point is 00:25:30 No one who loves source cares. That adversely affects our listenership. Get your fucking spoon and we're going to get some sauce on it. What do you want to start with? Hoisin, chilli garlic or yellow bean? You see, I don't care about the hoisin because it's hoisin, isn't it? And I know what that is. Isn't that duck?

Starting point is 00:25:46 Or used with duck? It's used with duck, but it's sweet and savoury. I'd like to try the other two just because... Yellow bean. Let's try the yellow bean. Also called soybean sauce. So that's the bean they're talking about, soybean. What would you have that with?

Starting point is 00:25:59 It's a savoury stir-frying cooking sauce that tastes like miso, but more umami. Oh, interesting. So it's more umami and miso interesting. So it's umami miso. Do you like the taste of miso? I do. Have a sniff of that, Mr. Silverman. Oh, it does smell exactly like miso to me, interestingly enough.

Starting point is 00:26:13 He's dipped into his yellow bean. Is there a lumpy bit in it? It's a bit lumpy. That's fine. I expect lumps, though. Give it a smell. Yes, it's very, like, thick, molasses-y soy sauce almost, isn't it? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:26:23 It's a miso smell. Yeah, it's very sharp. It's not sharp. It is. It's not. That's not sharpness. That is sharp. That's really salty.

Starting point is 00:26:31 It's salty, but that's different. Which is sharp. It's different to sharp. It's not sharp. It is sharp. Paul, look up what sharp flavour means on fucking Google. No. It means sour.

Starting point is 00:26:41 Sharp is sour. So? It could also mean... No, it doesn't mean salty. It's not sharp. Fucking hell, you ruined the source report with your fucking idiot's mouth holes. Then why are we doing this? Why don't you start your own fucking source podcast? I don't want to because source has been an element of the cheap show from the word go.

Starting point is 00:26:57 Yeah, but this is all expensive, isn't it? I bet this costs £20,000 to buy. Why do you think it then sent this to us? It's to taste the sauce now paul show some fucking interest i want your don't say sharp or crumbly and say something about the yellow bean it had lumps in which bitch were bits of fine for the long fermented um soy but yeah that's fine it was sharp it tasted sharp i love that flavor there's a sweet it's a bit too salty for me it's salty and it's has a sweetness at the end doesn it? As well as a lot of umami. Next.

Starting point is 00:27:27 I would give it out of five, three. It's all meaningless shit. Sauce. This is good. The chilli garlic. I mean, it's a classic. It's a classic combo and it is just a... Oh, what an interesting taste. Very salty.

Starting point is 00:27:39 Very sharp. It's not sharp. Yeah, it's sharp to my palate. Some chilli heat there, especially coming through at the end. There's a kind of roasted garlic thing going on. It's very roasted. It's got a very warm, sharp flavour. It's nice.

Starting point is 00:27:53 You prefer that to the yellow bean? Yeah, I will. But the thing with this is, sauces need food. We should really do this with a nicely prepared meal. With chicken and stuff. I don't know. This is... Shut up. You'll be able to judge when you're ordering Chinese if they go chicken and stuff. I don't know. This is... Shut up.

Starting point is 00:28:05 You'll just be able to judge when you're ordering Chinese if they go like chicken and yellow bean or something. At least I know what I'm getting you saying. You probably would avoid the yellow bean if I hadn't known. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:28:13 Would you now if you had to choose chicken and chilli garlic or chicken and yellow bean? Oh, I'd use the garlic one. The chilli and garlic. You'd go for that. It's nicer.

Starting point is 00:28:20 Now, hoisin is more of a dipping sauce. So this is probably more legit tasting experience for us because it's not meant to be made into a stir-fry or anything. Hoisin is magic. It's got a magic odour. Garlic-y. What is in hoisin sauce?

Starting point is 00:28:36 Plum. Oh, yeah, it is very sweet. Yeah, it's a fruit. It's a sweet and savoury, but I believe a hoisin is a plum. They sometimes see it referred to as plum sauce. It's very smooth, no lumps. The other ones had lumps of vegetable matter in. Fine. It's a nice

Starting point is 00:28:49 sauce for what it is. It's almondy almost. It's got an almondy, almost verging on an aniseed flavour or licorice. Do you know what I mean? I was thinking more like toffee. Yeah. It's got a caramel. It's alright. That's lovely.

Starting point is 00:29:05 Of those three, which was your favourite? I still like the chilli and garlic one. Chilli garlic. I'd have that with more things. Now, these aren't going to go to waste because I'll probably have them

Starting point is 00:29:12 later. Yeah, I'll put them in a... But what a lovely selection of sauces. Now, there are two other sauces. These are on our roster today,

Starting point is 00:29:20 Paul. Did you not want to taste like the oyster cooked one then or something since that's there? I use oyster all the time. It's delicious. It's really not fishy at all. So even someone who didn't like the oyster one then or something since that's there? I use oyster all the time. It's delicious. It's really not fishy at all.

Starting point is 00:29:27 So even someone who didn't like the flavour of seafood could enjoy it. It's more of a sort of mouthfeel, pure umami. It adds umami. What do you usually have it with? I would have it with some morning glory, which is kind of vegetable. So you just put... You'd have it with your morning glory. I've got some morning glory in the fridge.

Starting point is 00:29:43 Have you? In little vials. It's my cum. No. Morning glory, Chinese morning glory, is this beautiful vegetable which has tubular stalks that you eat as well. Is it like a spring onion? No, it's not onion.

Starting point is 00:29:56 It's more on the cabbage side. It's a leaf and thin leaves. So the leaves taste sort of like spinach, but the tubes they retain some of their sort of pliancy so they're more like sort of a green bean or something why is it called morning glory i don't know perhaps it's i don't know but there's um is it because you wake up with a load of them in your pants you just wake up you go oh morning glory or it's also there's a there's um a plant that we grow here called morning glory which is completely different i think i think it's just something that they've taken a name

Starting point is 00:30:26 for a totally different plant in that part of the world. Hey, Eli. Yeah. What's the story, Morning Glory? Now, Sriracha, you will laugh at that, and we will nod and wink to each other in agreement, and then we'll move on. So let me do it again.

Starting point is 00:30:40 Okay. Eli. Yes, Paul. What's the story, Morning Glory? Yeah. Yeah. This source that I picked up because I'm interested

Starting point is 00:30:50 in Sriracha Variations the Sriracha Variations is a great conspiracy novel now one if you ever see out in the wild Paul that I'd love you to pick

Starting point is 00:30:57 is if it's got a grey lid grey lid it's a smoked Sriracha which my friend Mark Allen haven't we done that we never did we never covered that really never covered it this because it's got a green lid is smoked sriracha, which my friend Mark Allen... Haven't we done that? We never did. We never covered that.

Starting point is 00:31:06 Never covered it. This, because it's got a green lid, is a sriracha, which is just a chilli sauce with garlic and sugar. Yeah. With a sort of ketchup texture. I think that's part of the whole success of sriracha, is that it has that ketchup texture. So you know, it's got a sculpturalness to it.

Starting point is 00:31:20 You can put it on lines... Ketchup Texture was a great new romantic band as well. Didn't they have that album? Nasolabial. Yeah, the Nasolabial Conspiracy. The Nasolabial Conspiracy. That is a great name for a prog album. Now, this is Sriracha Hot Sauce with lemongrass. It's added

Starting point is 00:31:37 lemongrass. So it'll be a little bit limey. Yeah, lemongrassy. Which is a citrusy flavour. Do you like lemongrass things? It's alright. I like the taste of lemongrass. Depends on what I'm having it with. Interesting thing about lemongrassy yeah which is a citrusy flavor yeah do you like lemongrass things all right i like the taste of lemon depends on what i'm having it with interesting thing about lemongrass it goes well with like you know like blander meats like chicken stuff doesn't it because it gives it a bit of pep yes yeah and i've got in there some lemongrass tea they drink it in jamaica and they call it fever tea and i used it they treat it to use it to treat sort of fever i

Starting point is 00:32:04 believe oh medicinal but it's just lemongrass tea. The other thing about lemongrass, if you've ever seen it fresh, it comes in these sticks. And you can't actually digest lemongrass. So they cut it really fine, or get it to release its aromatic oils. But the actual stuff is very fibrous. So if you ate one, it would just come out as is? You couldn't. You can't digest it.

Starting point is 00:32:24 It's very, very fibrous. So sometimes maybe if you're having a Thai't yeah yeah you can't digest it it's very very fibrous so sometimes maybe if you're having a Thai meal or something you might have something that's a bit fibrous and that's probably just the lemongrass

Starting point is 00:32:30 you just ignore it and just grow up you know grow up you know like you had curries and you had whole cardamoms that you weren't meant to eat

Starting point is 00:32:37 but I don't mind them being there do you know what I mean really do you and give it a tug give it a tug now I think this has got the potential

Starting point is 00:32:43 to be a very lovely sauce. put the lid on and let's dish it out. I want to dish it out myself. It's just easier. Let me appoint you some sauce. Come on then. Tedious section.

Starting point is 00:32:53 I have a globulate on it. I'm going to give it a quick sniff first. It's got a lovely fresh citrusy smell. It does have a very fresh fish smell. Fish smell? It's like, it's almost got a kind of sitting waiting in Wagamamas

Starting point is 00:33:06 for your meal to come nice smell to it lots of people like Stuart Ashen says really quite nice actually yeah

Starting point is 00:33:12 what's nice about it it's quite fresh sweet and it has it feels light yeah so it balances the heat does it the lemongrass the heat comes quite late

Starting point is 00:33:20 in the experience yeah yeah he always creeps to the back usually it's like sweet and then you get the freshness of the lemon and then once that goes you've got the chili hangover but can you feel there's a bit of fibrousness i think that is the i didn't get that it's got a much narrower application of what you might put it on yeah i was trying to think

Starting point is 00:33:38 what you'd have that way on a noodle that'd be lovely just on the top of a noodle you know what it might be quite nice with i don't know where this has come from but like corn on the top of a noodle or something. You know what it might be quite nice with? I don't know where this has come from, but like corn on the cob. You know, corn on the cob is a great food for just putting... Have you ever had street corn? Yes. Mexican street corn? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had that in the States for the first time.

Starting point is 00:33:53 It's nice, isn't it? It's like cheesy, creamy coating they put on a corn on a cob. Yeah. With, oh, that is fucking great. You know what we used to have on our corn on the cob? What? Butter, soy sauce, and Dijon mustard. It's just funny how you don't think of putting sauces on.

Starting point is 00:34:07 But it goes so well. Believe me, mustard goes brilliantly on corn on the cob. It really does. Interesting. Try that. It just flaps a bit of butter on and forgets about it, doesn't it? It's quite sort of a plain food, corn. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:34:19 It's not like... I think the reason why people like corn on the cob is that it's got that kind of juicy, bitey kind of... You know, it's very kind of comfort food-y. Yeah. Good suggestion, corn on the cob. Right, we move, right? Quickly to our last source today. Phewy boy howdy bonk.

Starting point is 00:34:34 Now, you may remember, patrons will know that we had some very special Red Bull cans on our little walk for the patron video. Oh, yes. From last month. Was it the month before? I think I forgot about that, but yeah. That shop where I got those is a little Vietnamese shop in Tottenham, and I went back to get more Red Bull the other day, and the lady who runs the shop admitted to me

Starting point is 00:34:56 that her husband was addicted to the Red Bulls, and he did it even at night. She looked quite concerned. Oh, God. Yeah. Why would she cry out to you with that information? That is drug-grade. That is drug-grade Red Bull there. That would make you ill cry out to you with that information? That is drug grade Red Bull there. That would make you ill after a while though, right? It'd make you ill. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:35:09 If you drink too much, yeah. I see. I don't mind. If you do it all day long, but you see people like, you know, with huge, huge cans of Monster or like, you know, Mountain Dew or whatever, that's really bad for you.

Starting point is 00:35:18 The idea of drinking one of those gives me a heart attack just in theory. I can't, I can't, I can't get behind that. But that's why I like those stubby Red Bull that's the real deal and it's not a lot although even that was too much towards the end

Starting point is 00:35:28 was it too much for you because I think by the time you're getting towards the end of the job it's warmed up it's warmed up and the treacliness of it affects you more

Starting point is 00:35:34 it's harder to drink yes that's why I think I need the bubbles it's more like medicine you like the bubbles yeah the bubbles do give it a more

Starting point is 00:35:41 give it a tartness you put bubbles in something and I'll guzzle it down you love a bit of carbonation don't you if I could find someone who had an inbuilt soda stream in their cock

Starting point is 00:35:50 and could fire out fizzy loads of gooey jism carbonated jism soda jerk you ain't heard the last of it buddy boy yeah

Starting point is 00:35:59 when I was a kid we used to put everything in the soda stream we'd make milkshakes with soda stream oh it's a great product. And also... It's pointless, though, ultimately, right?

Starting point is 00:36:08 Well, you're saving money. If you can carbonate your own water, you don't have to buy bottled carbonated water. True, but the footprint that they leave to stand in for that doesn't work because it's more convenient to just buy the bottle of fizzy than buying a machine that's expensive. And then the cartridges are expensive, and that don't last that long.

Starting point is 00:36:26 But also, you know, you're always complaining about fizzy water that you buy in the shop losing its fizz. If you can make it yourself, you can really properly make fizzy water and then you can, you know. I mean, there's pros and cons. There's pros and cons.

Starting point is 00:36:39 If I was going to buy anything like that, I'd get a slush machine, a slush puppy machine. Yeah. I'm going to get more fun out of a slush puppy machine. You like slushy? Yeah, than I then i am with a soda would you do alcoholic slushies mate i'd try it all yeah i'm just gonna vimto slushy i do a vimto slushy i do a cola slushy i do all the obvious slushies but then i might do a root beer slushy or i might do a lucas aid slushy or i might do a

Starting point is 00:37:01 um egg slushy now come slushy yes hey come slushy lee come slushy my name is lee egg slushie now cum slushie yes cum slushie Lee cum slushie my name is Lee cum slushie and I have I have been born with a problem and that is

Starting point is 00:37:13 my jacklet comes out below zero degrees below zero it literally comes out like I'm an X-man where I'm firing ice out of my you fire ice cubes

Starting point is 00:37:22 out of your cockus no it's not cockus meters pittle pattle pittle if it was ice cubes at your cockus. No, it's not ice cubes. Cockus meters, pittle-pattle-pittle. If it was ice cubes, mate. Oh, it's the hail man. I'd have a use. He's the hail cock. No, I'd have some use.

Starting point is 00:37:30 He's hail cock Mary. No, I'd have some use. He's hail cock Mary with his ice cube thing there. Mate. He shits out cubes of cum. Stop. He shits out cubes of cum. Stop.

Starting point is 00:37:40 He crunches it underfoot. Shut up. Oh, the brown snow is melting. Mate, if I could cum cubes. I'd cum cubes. Right. That would be handy. I'd build little houses.

Starting point is 00:37:51 We could have a few drinks. I'd build a house for a mouse. Hey, mate, do you want some ice in that? Plonk, plonk. You know what I mean? Plonk, plonk, clink, clink. You know what I mean? He's doing wank gesture everywhere.

Starting point is 00:38:00 Yeah, but you know, you'd sit there and you'd say, mate, can I have one big block of ice for this one? I could have some whiskey. And I'd be say, mate, can I have one big block of ice for this one? Because it's a whiskey. And I'd be like, oh, oh. A block. And it just pops out. I don't know what to do. But no, unfortunately, I don't have that.

Starting point is 00:38:13 Mine just comes out like freezing water mid-air. It just makes a little arc of water. So you can't monetize it for the drinks industry. No, I can snap it off. But then I've got to just chuck it away, put it in the sink, let it thaw out, that kind of thing. I like to chunk out freezing poo-poo cubes. It's a terrible affliction. I chunk out freezing pew-pew cubes.

Starting point is 00:38:34 Right, mate, you are now at this point saying nothing, so let's get the sauce out. I'm now saying nothing? I'm saying I chunk out freezing pew-pew cubes. Pfft, phrase. Right, so it's this Vietnamese grocer, freezing pew pew cubes freeze right so it's this Vietnamese grocer

Starting point is 00:38:46 and now I chinny reckon this will be quite nice why because it's called I thought what it was called

Starting point is 00:38:57 the sauce we're about to taste everyone it's called chin su so he chinny reckons yeah I chinny reckon

Starting point is 00:39:04 that it's called chin su it's called Chin-su. It's Chin-su but this is Vietnamese soy sauce. Right. But I think they flavour they flavour it

Starting point is 00:39:12 differently. Yes. So like a Chinese or Japanese basic soy sauce is just the flavour of the soy. It has that sweetness

Starting point is 00:39:20 of course umami it is what it is and salt. But this has garlic and chilli added. And I think that's the style that they eat in that part of the world. This chinsu bottle has a nice... Is that a hat or is it meant to be like a building roof?

Starting point is 00:39:34 I don't know. I believe it's like a building roof. Maybe it's a roof or something. Maybe it's like an old restaurant would have roofs like that. Now, I think this is just... It really elevates your soy sauce game if you can use this. Can I put this on myself? And I'll be looking for this because you don't get this in a lot of places. Have a niff-naff like that. Now, I think this is just, it really elevates your soy sauce game if you can use this. Can I put this on myself? I'm looking for this

Starting point is 00:39:46 because you don't get this in a lot of places. Have a niff-naff on that. It's a little bit more runny so I'm going to pour it myself. Have a little niff-naff on the chinsu. Oh, it smells actually

Starting point is 00:39:53 kind of oxo-y. Yeah, it has that oxo-y vibe. Have a taste of that. I'm having a taste of that. That's got quite a kick. Nice. That's nice. Really nice.

Starting point is 00:40:04 It's got that oxo-y, so umami. And it doesn't really taste that garlicky or chilly-y. But that's sort of there, isn't it? It's got the heat. Yeah, it's good stuff. That's really good stuff. What a lovely final sauce to end on. What would you say for that out of five?

Starting point is 00:40:18 That might be my favourite, actually, out of all of them. And what about the... Oh, I'd probably give them both four. So you'd give the lemongrass sriracha four and the chinsu four. But if I had to say which one was my

Starting point is 00:40:28 favourite of those two on the chinsu. Jimmy reckon that. Chinny reckon. Not Jimmy reckon. Well thank you Event for sending that sauce pack in.

Starting point is 00:40:38 Yes and there's loads more stuff from Event coming up after this break unless you want to say something witty right now. No, no, no.

Starting point is 00:40:44 You just want to keep this nice and dry. I'll keep it dry. keep it dry dry so we do a professional ending to the segment then okay well thanks for listening to this segment it's time of day now for me to come round time of day now it's time of day now no it's not time of day now oh boy oh boy i need to figure out how we're gonna end this we can't you't. You've fucked it now. I've fucked it now. I tell you what, why don't we make a few drinks and I'll get the ice. Plonk, plonk. Press the button.

Starting point is 00:41:15 If you like penis frittata. You know what's weird? I was going to do the exact same thing. Great minds think alike. If you like charding your cock off or getting splodged in the rain. If you like charding your cock off or getting splodged in the rain. If you like eating your knob off, having thoughts in your brain. Have we discussed the actual meaning of that song?

Starting point is 00:41:33 If you like making love at midnight. Yeah, it's a song about a man who cheats on his wife to find that his wife wants to cheat on him. And then they stay together. And then they both go, ha ha ha ha ha, let's go and have a boring life still. Yeah, do you know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:41:47 It's a strange song. I think that's kind of troubling. I wouldn't want to. Matthew Holmes, right? That's the guy who sung it. And he's the guy who wrote that song about the mining disaster. Oh, the Tom and the Shadow did, Timothy. Yeah, where they ate Timothy or something.

Starting point is 00:42:02 So all of them are problematic, his songs, aren't they? It's all of that, it's that singer-songwriter period of the 70s in American music that's kind of, um... I don't know, like... It's like trying to cheat

Starting point is 00:42:11 on my other half. It's like a Hallmark card version of a love song. It's not. It's worse. No, those type of singers did that stuff. It's like,

Starting point is 00:42:20 I want to cheat on my girlfriend. I'm writing a... No, no, he's in bed when she's asleep. And he reads a personal ad column that says, if you like making love at midnight, getting caught in the rain.

Starting point is 00:42:30 He's like, oh. So then he goes and meets her at a bar. He decides to cheat. So then he writes a reply saying, I like doing those things. Yes. Let's do them together. And then he goes...

Starting point is 00:42:41 It turns out to be her. And then he meets her at a bar. At that point, for me, the relationship is over. Yeah. Do you see what I mean but they don't know each other obviously that's what the song suggests that they don't know each other

Starting point is 00:42:50 they're in the same bed they're boning what if it was like do you like cutting up corpses and eating their brains yes I do

Starting point is 00:42:58 I'll meet you at Monday the end of the song I think we should have stopped talking about this about a minute and a half ago. You brought it up. Anyway, I was going to start like this instead.

Starting point is 00:43:10 Well, the rain's coming down now in Cheap Show Towers and it won't stop the play today as we're going straight ahead in the covered arena for another price of shite. So the rain can't stop play today. We're going to go forward your head.

Starting point is 00:43:23 Great British attitude. We're going to play ahead in the rain. Luckily we have covered area and we can go ahead and play that game today. Thank you, Paul. As Paul has made clear, the rain is coming down out here. It's coming down like buckets. The house of ham and cheese and ham and mash and eggs. And outside

Starting point is 00:43:37 the rain falls, but the play must go on. We've got the AstroTurf. Won't get in the way of the play today. We've got the AstroTurf ham and eggs, trademark AstroTurf. we'll play on and it's time for the price of the price of weekly i'm looking forward to this i'm sure everyone's looking forward to this i've been building up a static charge with my nylon trainers i've noticed panties i've noticed and i've got electric cum sparks coming out it It's like lightning. It's like lightning. I'm calling back to what you said before.

Starting point is 00:44:08 It's like lightning spunk coming out my knob or like a big bolt of lightning but it's not lightning. Mate, why? We had two really interesting characters there who were quite... It's like lightning coming out the knob. And then you're jettisoning...

Starting point is 00:44:23 I'm jettisoning there's a jet alright there's a fucking jet jet of electric spunk is a prelude to the Price of Shite

Starting point is 00:44:32 today Evan did send the letter with all the lovely things that Evan sent so let me just read the letter

Starting point is 00:44:37 dear Paul and Eli fine included with this letter some goodies I took from a trip recently to Norway stroke Denmark

Starting point is 00:44:44 both Norway and Denmark were visited there's charity and second hand stores to be found in the land of the Vikings letter some goodies i took from a trip recently to norway stroke denmark both norway and denmark were visited there's charity and second-hand stores to be found in the land of the vikings they're usually called bruk thandel bruk thandel does she have a translation of what that means no just says i mean it might say charity shop bruk thandel bruk thandel b-r-u-k-t-h-a-n-d-e-l do you know what a moment is in Norwegian? What? Eye blink. It's like eigenblinken or something.

Starting point is 00:45:08 Eigenblinken. Oh, good. I'm glad we got that definite fact out of you. One of these was particularly strange. After leaving the main entrance, a man sitting in a chair opposite the street tried to tell me that there was more if I entered the dark alleyway next to the main entrance. He seemed quite persistent, and I thought, oh, all right then, and more or less climbed over all the crap to end up in a very dark shed-like environment

Starting point is 00:45:31 with all kinds of working tools, dismembered dolls, and strange photographs on the wall. I turned on my cell phone flashlight and started my spelunking tour. Beautiful imagery. Beautiful imagery. Spelunking in a charity shop shed. I've imagery. Spelunking in a charity shop shed. I've often been caught spelunking in a charity shop shed. Sorry, Fred. Charity shop Fred.

Starting point is 00:45:52 Coming up, some guy called Fred's arse, have you? Yeah, I mean, yeah. Is that what it is? Do you call him? Mate. Do you call him? We're going to starve this summer. Do you text him the next day?

Starting point is 00:46:00 All this low-hanging fruit. We've eaten it all. It's all been plucked. All the low-hanging bollocks. All the low-hanging fruit. We've eaten it all. It's all been plucked. All the low-hanging bollocks. All the low-hanging fruit. Are there wanganuts to be had?

Starting point is 00:46:09 Yes. Are there nestles? Yes, there are nestles of psychotropic wanganuts for the taking. Can I continue

Starting point is 00:46:16 with a beautifully written letter? Spelunking you were on. Eventually, I ended up in a very damp room filled with stacks of magazines, DVDs,

Starting point is 00:46:27 7-inch records, sleeveless and stacked. But you know that there is that built-in kind of ridge on a 7, which means that the playing surfaces don't touch if you stack. Interesting fact, did you know that? So don't just assume that they're ruined if they are sleeveless, if you find them, everybody. In fact, it's usually worse when they're stacked on their sides in a box because they rub up against each other when people are flicking through them i guess if you stack them on top of each other potentially too much the weight is going to build up and there's uh there's a uh anyway they can uh warp under the weight oh yeah true uh that's that design is for the machines the auto change machines they used to have and and uh jukeboxes where they'd stack them, wouldn't they?

Starting point is 00:47:06 Yes, and then it could be clipped and pulled out of their stack easily. Slapped over. Slapped over and flipped over and fucked. Finger fucked, yeah. So yes, record and cassette tapes. One of these particular tapes you will find in The Price of Shite. I picked it up because the cover amused me. I did some investigating and it turned out that the band name is oh here we go fuck me prestestrana velvelvel prestestrana velvelvel what twice

Starting point is 00:47:33 three times no velvelvel is three times yeah but prestovela velvelvel that's the whole name yeah twice no i've said it twice to reiterate the sound of the name but it's just once well yeah you should i just Yeah, you're right. I should have done it once. I was right. I was right about something. I could cut me out saying it a second time. Well, that's too late for that now.

Starting point is 00:47:50 It is now. Presta vela vel vel vel. Presta strana vel vel vel. Presta strana vel vel vel. They're from Drangendal, Telemark County in Norway. Norway. And play music inspired by Irish folk music with humorous Norwegian texts. Oh, God.

Starting point is 00:48:06 They're an odd bunch, and that's why they decided to list the cost of all their equipment on the inlay. So the things like was bought cheaply from, was given by. They spent about 300 quid on all their musical instruments, guitars, bass, drums, mandolin, accordions, etc. Surely a band that fits cheap show.

Starting point is 00:48:23 I mean, I guess so. They went out of their way to say, we got this dirt cheap novelty some kind of novelty folk outfit from the 80s are they one of my favorite tracks is called donk del strusken you gotta put a donk on it haven't you yeah and is most likely a drinking song it can be found on youtube i have left all the grot on the tape for your enjoyment better clean your hands afterwards because I also included various sweets, noodles from Norway, and a sample box of sauces. See earlier in this episode for that opinion.

Starting point is 00:48:51 We did do the sample box of sauces. Take care and see you in Harrow in August. Yay, events coming. My favourite was the hoisin. We did a little bit of research in the break about hoisin. Yes. It means seafood. Or for seafood,

Starting point is 00:49:03 but it's not got any seafood element. It hasn't got seafood in. So when I said, I thought it was a plum sauce. I think sometimes it's just translated as plum sauce just so Western people

Starting point is 00:49:12 can just have something to hook it on. Do you know what I mean? Yes. Is hoisin is seafood? Well, we've all learned something today. But it's not,

Starting point is 00:49:19 it hasn't got fish in it. Never let it be said that Cheap Show does not educate as well as entertain. It hasn't got fish in it. I mean, we're an edutainment podcast, aren't we? We certainly are.

Starting point is 00:49:27 We are. We're a spodgetainment podcast. So I believe Spankin' Answers are in this lovely... Oh, how lovely. How lovely. The answers are in a Norwegian flag envelope. I think it's made by herself. Danish.

Starting point is 00:49:41 No, that's Norwegian. That's the Norway flag, isn't it? I believe so. Answers. This is beautiful. Isn't it's Norwegian. That's the Norway flag, is it? I believe so. Answers. This is beautiful. Isn't it beautiful? It's a lovely Norwegian flag.

Starting point is 00:49:50 Yes, it's a lovely card. Do you know for a fact it's Norwegian? Because we're going to piss some people off if we say you don't know for a fact it's that, do you? It might be Danish. A lovely card's been delivered. She went to Denmark. She didn't go to Denmark, did she? She went to...

Starting point is 00:50:01 Where did she go? Ooh! That was the sound of your phone hitting the deck. I'll Google Lens it right now. Give me it. Flag of Norway. Norway, there you go. So it's a little flag of Norway

Starting point is 00:50:10 envelope with the answers in. Now, where's Poindexter? Do you want me to grab Poindexter? You're going to have to, mate, or it's not a legal price of shite. Don't be looking at the answers. I won't. I'll take that with me.

Starting point is 00:50:21 No, I'll just put them here. I will take the envelope with me. Well, then you're not going to look at the answers then when you take them. Put them out of the reach where I'd have to get up and make a big effort to get them. That means you're going to have to race there and back to make sure I don't race there and back in time. The game is afoot. Just don't cheat.

Starting point is 00:50:36 I promise I won't. I'll do my sports commentator character. Okay. So the envelope has been handed. Now ready, full of the answers to this week's Price of Shite. We have the rain coming on, coming down, pitter-patter, but it won't break the spirits of our fine players. Paul, a seasoned pro, and Eli, an up-and-coming, hungry young victor,

Starting point is 00:50:55 waiting, waiting for his moment to shine. We have a few items in the bag today, all given from Yvonne. I can't wait to see them. It's proving to be a thrilling game. Eli's taking his time now, and I'm running out of things to say because it's a little bit one-sided when you're just a sports commentator character. And yes, I could look around the room and see the things ahead of me and comment wittily upon them.

Starting point is 00:51:21 Wittily? Fuck's sake. Mate, hurry up, I'm dying here. I might have to look at the answers. Help.ly? Fuck's sake. Mate, hurry up, I'm dying here. I might have to look at the answers. Help. I'm gonna look. Where's Poindexter? You've come back without him. Close the door. Properly. Poindexter doesn't

Starting point is 00:51:36 seem to be around. Why? I don't know. As I said last time. Lovers tiff. I told you last time we're seeing other people so oh you think he's with someone else he's probably yeah

Starting point is 00:51:47 down the teddy bear club oh aye hanging out with all the big knobs big bears yeah little bears there's big Barry bear

Starting point is 00:51:54 big Bob bear there's big Bob bear big Billy bear there's Billy big bollocks bear Billy big bass on the wall as well yeah he's been booked for a show there's uh

Starting point is 00:52:03 Brian the bassman Bear. Yeah. He's very low, low slung. And then there's bim bam bim bam bim bong bear, isn't there? There is bing bong bang bear. Yes.

Starting point is 00:52:14 Should we just go on like this for the next few minutes? Right. Should we get on with this? Do you want to write these down, Eli? You're in charge. I have in my hand

Starting point is 00:52:21 my Tapatia hot sauce socks. They will take the place of... Of Poindexter. Now I also have to ask at this point have you come in them or do you plan on. No these are fresh.

Starting point is 00:52:32 These are unworn. Smell. Smell the socks. No. Look at their clue. I trust you. I trust you and I don't want to touch them.

Starting point is 00:52:39 Now get the answers. Look at that lovely new sock smell. Get the answers. We could just leave them there. They're out the way. We're not going to cheat

Starting point is 00:52:45 and he's thrown his socks almost what a waste of time right so right it's the price of the shite get a pen

Starting point is 00:52:52 have the theme tune please it's the fucking price of shite oh yeah it's the fucking price of shite oh yeah

Starting point is 00:53:01 what that do that what you get your booze out what the fucking price of shite that's right price of shite for those of you. What that do that? What you get your booze out? What the fucking Price of Shite? That's right. Price of Shite, for those of you who don't know, is where we play a guessing game. It's a price guessing game. And how many items do we have in this bespoke edition?

Starting point is 00:53:20 Three. There's three items. Classic Price of Shite. Is a Brucey bonus for Eli, though? Would you like that now? Oh, it's a pack of cards. Strike. There's a Brucie bonus for Eli, though. Would you like that now? Ooh. Ooh, it's a pack of cards. I believe that's the Brucie bonus.

Starting point is 00:53:29 If not, that might be the first item. What does it say? Incomplete freebie. Oh, so that means she probably got it freebie because it was incomplete, maybe. It's incomplete. Either way. Singapore Airlines.

Starting point is 00:53:38 Nice, that. Pack of playing cards. USA, does it say? It says SIA USA because it's Singapore and USA. Oh. Singapore Airlines. Oh, what's on the inside?

Starting point is 00:53:46 You think there's going to be planes on it then? I think this, often the design that's on the outside of the pack is what's on the back of the cards.

Starting point is 00:53:51 What do they call the back of the card that doesn't have the information? It's the non... Doesn't it have a name? It's the back of the card. It's the non-picture

Starting point is 00:54:00 face of the card. It's like the face card, right? It's your face. So isn't it, would it just be the other? Face up. Yeah. It's the face, yeah. Yeah,'t it, would it just be the other one? Face up. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:54:06 It's the face, yeah. Yeah, but what I'm saying is the back doesn't have a name. Just the back. We should coin a term and make it happen. The flash of the pack.

Starting point is 00:54:13 The flash of the pack. Yeah, yeah. Yes, it is. It's the same design. Okay, and then they're just regular poker. So you wouldn't play with these, but you

Starting point is 00:54:19 know, it goes on my shelf. It goes on your shelf of collecting cards. I picked up in the charity shop the other day a pack of Jack Daniels cards.

Starting point is 00:54:26 Oh. Quite nice. Let's begin the game. Now, the way the scoring works on this game is that items bought for a charity shop are quite cheap.

Starting point is 00:54:34 And so, we have to guess those prices. Now, if you get it spot on, if you say 50p and it's 50p, you're going to get two betwings. Betwing, betwing. Betwing is the sound of the score you'll get.

Starting point is 00:54:45 Now, let's just say you say 25p and it's 50p. You're going to get two betwings. Betwing, betwing. Betwing is the sound of the score you'll get. Now, let's just say you say 25p and it's 50p. You're going to get one betwing because the rule is if you're 25p either way at the actual price, you're going to get one betwing. You do get one betwing. We're not monsters in this game. No, you get betwings.

Starting point is 00:54:56 We like to see people walk away with something. We like to see betwings. You get more than your boss for your own when you play The Price of Shite. Betwings can't actually be exchanged or seen or handled. No, but they are our cryptocurrency, which we'll be introducing later in the year. We have our Petwing cryptocurrency,

Starting point is 00:55:11 which at the moment is non-fungible. Bored Poindexters. That could be our NFT. Bored Poindexters. Yeah. Boiled Poindexters. Brandoff coin. Nah, Brandoff's doing his own thing right now.

Starting point is 00:55:26 What is he doing? I don't know. I've heard that he was trying to do the... He was living with Jimmy Biscuits. Yeah. I don't see that working out in the long term. No, no. There'll be an adventure at some point.

Starting point is 00:55:35 We'll bring them back. We'll move this story on. Jimmy Biscuits as well. You know, he's got that... Yeah. The bowel thing. Yeah. People don't talk about him because they like him.

Starting point is 00:55:41 They like him as a character, you know. But they don't know the suffering he's going through. He has a nervous bowel thing and it's... He's got IBS, basically. They like him as a character, you know. But they don't know the suffering he's going through. He has a nervous bowel thing. He's got IBS, basically. But it's also a very bad smell thing. And Brandhoff doesn't... Brandhoff, you know... Well, no, because Brandhoff makes it worse,

Starting point is 00:55:51 because he just makes the place stink of piss. He pisses on the sofa, doesn't he? Yeah. And then pretends it's lady piss. Yeah. That's weird. There's a whole thing going on. They'll find a place.

Starting point is 00:55:59 They'll move out of that studio flat, and then they'll find a place. I have written two columns. One titled P, and one titled e physical education i will be putting our guesses in three rows fuck me 17 minutes we haven't started right let's crack on so you get one between if you're 25p either way two and that is it we're playing simple pimple rules baby is that whatvonne has said? She doesn't say at all. So let's just crack on. First item.

Starting point is 00:56:26 Oh, dear. What do you think? First item. It's a bow tie. Oh, it's an Aldi bow tie. It's an Aldi bow tie. Oh, terrible. Terrible.

Starting point is 00:56:36 Absolutely terrible. What a horrible thing. Were Aldi the ones that did that sort of Nike trainer ripoff as well? I don't know. They would have done trainers. Knock-off? Yeah. Like a £10 pair of trainers

Starting point is 00:56:48 or something. But they're meant to look like Nike Airs or something. Weird. I'm taking this off the card. It is mint on card. It was mint on card. Now it's dropped in value.

Starting point is 00:56:57 Is it for pets? Because that looks like a very small band. No, no. It's for a child or something, isn't it? I'm trying to unclip it here. It's got a plastic clip in the back.

Starting point is 00:57:06 Little Petey is going off to school and his mum wants him to look good and gives him an oldie tie that could potentially strangle him because the strap's that. Mate, don't kill yourself doing this. It's like watching the last moment. That's totally me on.

Starting point is 00:57:19 It's like watching the last moment of David Carradine. Get it out and wank. Get it out and wank. I can't get it on. I'll put a lemon in your mouth just in case. Is it for a kiss? Let's see what it says. I'll put some of that lemongr. Get it out of wank. Get it out of wank. I can't get it on. I'll put a lemon in your mouth just in case. Is it for a kid? Let's see what it says.

Starting point is 00:57:28 I'll put some of that lemongrass sriracha in your mouth to stop you killing yourself. Made in China. It's 100% polyester. That's it. It doesn't say who's it for. It's also 100% shit.

Starting point is 00:57:37 It's in Norwegian. What's it say? Hasbandmetstrik. That is a truly nasty thing. Blue and... One size, it says. And you're right. And that size is very small.

Starting point is 00:57:47 Are we guessing in Euros or Danish? I'm going to presume... Norwegian Krona. ...Events converted it to British pence and pounds. Who's going first? You should go first this time. I don't... You know what?

Starting point is 00:57:57 That's not... I'm not confident with this first one because that could be anything. But I'm going to say 75p. Going to go 75. And I'm not happy with that that i want to just state that for the record i am not happy i'm writing down 75p for item number one i'll go quid quid sensible i'll go quid i'm trying to get within 25p if you are right uh and let's go on to the item number two paul okay i've just translated it with google translate and that aldi says for a dog house band

Starting point is 00:58:23 metric is a small necklace basically. Why would you want to advertise Aldi? I don't, you know, what's the point of it? Necklace with strap. Necklace with strap.

Starting point is 00:58:33 It certainly is a necklace with strap. I guess it is. I don't know why you'd want to do that other than like you hate yourself or your child.

Starting point is 00:58:38 Or it's a hair thing that goes in your hair, mate. I don't know. No, it's not. It's for the neck. It's a face necklace. I don't think Aldi... Why would you want to dress a child up with an Aldi bow tie? I don't know no it's not it's for the neck it's faith necklace I don't think all the

Starting point is 00:58:45 why do you want to dress a child up with an oldie bow tie I don't like bow ties no they're for precocious young children that you want to smack well I want permission

Starting point is 00:58:53 to fucking punch a child oh god in the nasolabial triangle the nasolabial triangle oh hang on what hang on what

Starting point is 00:59:01 nasolabial's come back it wasn't a character move on right how would you say a quid I said a quid right next time I'm writing this down I'm ready Hang on. What? Hang on. What? No, it's a labial comeback. It wasn't a character. Move on. Right. How would you say? A quid? I said a quid. Right.

Starting point is 00:59:07 Next time. I'm writing this down. I'm ready. Now, I figured out... You threatened some children. This item is a bit of a puzzle. Be careful when opening it, when you figure it out. I figured it out.

Starting point is 00:59:19 It's not that special, but it did confuse me. Here we go. I see. Is it a puzzle? No. It's an item that has a purpose but he's handed me a it looks like a miniature diablo yellow diablo is it diablo shaped i don't know what a diablo shape would be those things those juggler things that pricks used to do at

Starting point is 00:59:37 festivals oh yeah is it shaped like that it's a bit shaped like that isn't it it's like a cylinder with widened ends yes and i'm gonna try, because it has a seam down the centre. To separate it into two. It does seem to, but it doesn't seem to want to go. Is that what you're talking about? I don't know. And it has little. It has little.

Starting point is 00:59:55 It unscrews. It unscrews. Yes, it is a salt and pepper item. It's a little salt and pepper shaker. Yeah, and you pull it apart. It all goes into one. It's like a camping thing. Yeah, I guess it must be.

Starting point is 01:00:04 Salt and pepper. And then some pepper has come out yeah i've noticed it is it has got pepper in god knows when it was added to that thing we could be talking early 90s you can unscrew the bottoms and refill these yeah it's quite cool it's great for what it is which is you know take that to work and have it for your packed lunch and stuff if you like salt and pepper go camping at a festival bring it with you throw it in a little box job done that's quite a cool little thing maybe you just have it in. You go camping at a festival, bring it with you, throw it in a little box, job done. That's quite a cool little thing. I like that.

Starting point is 01:00:26 Or maybe you just have it in a kitchen, you know, at the side. You grab it and you pull it down at the shelf. Much more useful as a travel item. Very compact and good.

Starting point is 01:00:33 Yeah. It fits in your fist quite nicely. Little salt and pepper cellars. That's nice. I like that. It doesn't seem to have a manufacturer on it. Hello.

Starting point is 01:00:40 I'm Herb Grind. Well, I'm Nezalabia. That's dumb. And I demand, I demand you let me into this playhouse and let me see my play. It's my masterpiece. The Pussy Lips of Willow Mary is my masterpiece.

Starting point is 01:00:55 It's not your masterpiece. Right. I get to guess this first. Yes, you do this time. I'll go £1.30. £1.30 for Mr. Silverman. I'd go £1.30. £1.30 for Mr Silverman. I'd be prepared to pay £2 for that. Would you? I'm going to say...

Starting point is 01:01:09 You're going to undercut me, ladies and gentlemen. But I don't know how much. I'm going to say £1.40. £1.40, he's saying. Oh, he's going. He's overcutting. He's overcutting. Right, last one. And on to the last item. It'll be hard to top that for me.

Starting point is 01:01:27 Oh, it's the cassette, which is the... Drückskrapp. ...Presse von der Well, Well, Well. Are we going to hear it? Yeah, I'm going to look for it on my... You describe the cassette, and I'll look for it on the thing. The cassette has a picture, a sort of oldie time picture of a girl, a young child, who has a little cat on her shoulder

Starting point is 01:01:44 and a nice bonnet on. And she looks very happy and smiley. And the title of this LP, I'm assuming, is an LP on compact cassette, is Heimann Kring Idragendal. Which I don't know. It's maybe her name. And it's got lots of songs. Right, I found it.

Starting point is 01:02:02 Shut up. Shut up. Oh, it's from 1990. So it is quite old. I found the. Shut up, shut up. Oh, it's from 1990, so it is quite old. I found the track. Came out in 1990. No. Oh, it did say,

Starting point is 01:02:08 look, she's done a nice little, we should have, beware grot. You were hoping I'd get the grot on me, weren't you? I didn't even see that on the sticker, but yeah, beware the grot. The grot is that pepper that I've,

Starting point is 01:02:17 didn't know. No, it's the grot is the vel, vel, vel. Oh, it's grot. Yes, she said it was grotty. Oh, they're dirty, are they? Right, here we go. Do you want to hear this then? Here we go. I'm not going to be able to understand they're dirty, are they? Right, here we go. Do you want to hear this then? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:02:25 Here we go. I'm not going to be able to understand the lyrics, am I? No, but here we go. Do you know what? Hey, I'm loving this. Can you get any... Diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly did Please. You know the words, come on. A diddly diddly oh.

Starting point is 01:03:16 I've gone and dunked my knob right in a big old chunkly dairy. A diddly diddly, a diddly diddly oh. I suck the cow's tits. And then I make yoghurt. Chocolate is coming from around the back. Oh, please make it stop. It's annoying me. A diddly diddly hey.

Starting point is 01:03:43 Oh, a diddly diddly hey. Oh, a hiddly, hiddly hay. Oh, I went to the pub. I saw the mum right there. She was giving handjobs to everyone around and I didn't even get one. Oh, a hiddly, hiddly hay. A hiddly, hiddly hay. Oh, a hiddly, hiddly hay.

Starting point is 01:04:01 Oh, I don't die to die. Oh, I collect beetles. They turn me on sexually. And I eat my lovely Beatles and I stick them in my wee. Then I put them in my knob bowl and they call about. And they call about.

Starting point is 01:04:19 The Beatles call out my knob bowl and it's like fucking free show. And all the Beatles are calling out my name. My name is Eli. I've got complicated sexual feelings. I've worked them out on my podcast, and I wonder why I'm going to be single. Oh, I giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly, giggly,ay in there and it comes out Oh, blood me, love me Chardonnay, Chardonnay

Starting point is 01:04:49 This is actually the worst thing we've ever done I've got a runny bottle and it's coming out the bum and my mother's gone up there My mother's gone down there She's come round my house and she said, oh, you see I've got beetles in my house And she said Oh you swear I've got Beatles in my house

Starting point is 01:05:06 Shut up saying Beatles In my house Beatles in the nub I've got Beatles in my bum house And Beatles in my cock Shut up Shut up Please

Starting point is 01:05:20 Shut up Well you kept playing it And it broke me How much is that? I don't know Please, shut up. Well, you kept playing it and it broke me. How much is that? I don't know. I keep thinking of Beatles coming out of my cock. God almighty.

Starting point is 01:05:33 Oh, crawly, crawly. Yeah, good. I'm going to say a quid then. Write a quid down. Write a pound down. It was your go to guess. Write a pound down. I'm writing a pound down now. Write a pound down.

Starting point is 01:05:44 Sound. Sound. I've written a pound down. Can'm writing a pound down now. Write a pound down. Sound. Sound. I've written a pound down. Can we have a translation? Of what? Of what that bloody song was about. I couldn't find it. It's made of a big grot.

Starting point is 01:05:52 I could ask. I could ask Rogan. He's studying Norwegian. Rogan. You speak Norwegian. Have you got them written down? No. I can't find them online at all.

Starting point is 01:06:03 That's the problem. Come here. We're recording. But come here. Someone sent us a tape from Norway. It's a Norwegian kind of Irish folk band. Well, Presta Strana vel, vel, vel. Does that mean anything?

Starting point is 01:06:16 Hey, hey, monitoring Idrangadal. No idea whatsoever. Good. It's like a mystery within a mystery. Are you sure it's Norwegian good it's like a mystery within a mystery are you sure it's Norwegian and it's not it might be Danish oh is it

Starting point is 01:06:28 I don't know what does she say it might be written in Ninos okay is that a different type of there's dialects yeah

Starting point is 01:06:35 yeah yeah yeah there's two written languages yeah two written languages one's Ninos and one's Bookmore and it might be written in Ninos

Starting point is 01:06:41 in fact I guess it is written in Ninos then we'll never know. Which is more colloquial and local, is it? Sort of, yeah. It's a bit complicated. It's very complicated. It's less posh on a basic level.

Starting point is 01:06:53 Because this is going to be sort of bawdy, humorous sort of stuff. Folk music-y thing. Yes. Okay. It's more parochial. Yeah, maybe. It's a bit more complicated than that. We'll have you back when mike bats on yeah we just need you for norway facts and mike bat stuff yeah but i'm pretty certain it's in new york thank you well either way rather fascinating um anyway is that all have you

Starting point is 01:07:14 done your score i'm gonna say 50p 55 65p 50 55 60 65, I've made my mind up. So you're about, what, two pound? Now. What did you write down? 65. Right, okay, I'm going to get the answers. You can look. You can score it. No, no. This is for fairness. No, you score it because you wrote it.

Starting point is 01:07:32 Okay. And I trust you. Go get the answers. I'm going to go get the answers. From under the Tapatio socks. And I implore you, please have a half of the fresh Tapatio socks, please. Sniff those socks.

Starting point is 01:07:41 They're nice, aren't they? They're clean. They are clean. They're unworn. They're remarkable, considering. Whatiff those socks. They're nice, aren't they? They're clean. They are clean. They're unborn. What was your favourite item? No, I actually quite like the tape. I'd like to hear the rest of it. I like the salt and pepper unit.

Starting point is 01:07:56 It's quite modular. It's quite modular and that helps. And it's also kind of 70s. You can roll it along the table. Someone was far away. It has a wheel function. You can roll it. Pass the salt and pepper. Thank you very much. Yeah, like an axle it is. It's very nice. It has a wheel function. Yeah, you can roll it. Pass the salt and pepper. Thank you very much. Yeah, like an axle it is. It's very nice.

Starting point is 01:08:08 It's handy. I am opening the Norwegian envelope. Now, I'm not... Because, yeah, we've got no context or ceiling here. Oh, we've got a problem. We've got a problem. You've done them in euros. Exactly.

Starting point is 01:08:21 I told you and you just assumed. Well, I didn't look at the answer then. At least that proves that. Right, we've got to get the exchange rate for euros then fuck well just do it quickly i'm gonna let's just quickly convert these into euros so 75p in euros no we'll do it the other way around i'll give you the answer and then we'll convert it so we're starting with the bow tie the aldi bow tie very much on brand for Cheap Show, very cheap probably. You said, what is the actual, what is the euro price? Right, so you said what?

Starting point is 01:08:51 The bow tie, you said what? Tell me the euro price. No, but you tell us the prices first. I said what? 75p. And you said? One pound. Right.

Starting point is 01:09:00 The answer was one euro. So one euro into pounds is 85p. Ooh. Ooh. We both get a between. See, the system works. 85p. 85p. I mean, you know, if you want to round it up, it'll probably be 86p, but it said 85.

Starting point is 01:09:21 It doesn't make a difference to our score, does it? We both are within 25p. Right. So the next one then is what the salt and pepper shaker salt and pepper shakers modular salt and pepper attachable rollable yellow plastic salt and pepper camping shakers paul you said one a pound of 30 yes no i said one yeah you i said 140 didn't you said 140, didn't I? You said 140. And you said what? 130. The answer, would you believe it, an astonishing four euros.

Starting point is 01:09:52 Whoa! Making it £3.42. No betwings for either of us there. No betwings, we're well out. Well, it's all down to the last item. Is that worth four euros, though? I mean, I don't have a need for it, but it's quite nice. The build is good. It's alright for what it is

Starting point is 01:10:06 but I think that's overpriced. Well. Bad show event. And finally the cassette. Ah. Now this is in Krona but she's also converted

Starting point is 01:10:15 it to euro. And then you'll convert that. And I'll convert that. This is a very complicated episode. International price of shite. Yes. Oh. In that case

Starting point is 01:10:23 this is going to be easy. How much did you say? 65p. And I said what? Quid. It was one euro. So that's 85p. So that's 85, 95.

Starting point is 01:10:33 That's a patwing for me. And a patwing for me. No, it's not. You said 65. Yes. And how much was it? 75, 85, 95. That's 30p out already.

Starting point is 01:10:42 You didn't say 95p. You said 85p. Yeah, but it was... 85p, Paul. You didn't say 95p, you said 85p. 85p, Paul. How far away? 65, 75. 75, 85. Alright, you're in. You're in.

Starting point is 01:10:54 Brilliant moment. I got confused because I thought... A brilliant eye blink there. I got confused because Euro, pound, pound. A brilliant moment there, Paul. Loved it. I loved it. The point is...

Starting point is 01:11:04 I love it when that happens. The point is that this is a draw, right? Yeah. We've both got two betwings. I'm going to give you your betwings right now. Here we go. Mouth noises. No, I'm warming my mouth up.

Starting point is 01:11:16 With my own mouth noises. To give you a nice betwing. All right. Ready? Betwing. Betwing. Thank you. And here are yours.

Starting point is 01:11:23 Yeah. Betwing, betwing. Oh, nice. Casual patwings that Eli gave And so another price of shine What a delightful end Wouldn't you believe it Mr Gannon, the sun's coming out and the astroturf is drying off

Starting point is 01:11:40 And the sun is peeking out with a little cheeky smile from behind the dark clouds and it shines upon a lovely British evening. We've had this in. Poins Dexter was at the teddy bear club. He was playing with big boy Billy Boy Bear

Starting point is 01:11:51 and Brian, the big bad bear brown boy bear. I thought we were going to end this quite nicely but obviously you can't be fucking trusted. And he'll be back.

Starting point is 01:12:01 Don't worry. Next time he'll be back. So all of you Poins Dexter fans out there we understand now it's almost time to say goodbye we're going to hand you over now to the ongoing uh darts competition happening and if you'd like to go any further you can watch that there because that's on the tv there that's there that's on tv yeah darts yes darts i was going to say darts in rohampton but then i realized Clive reference. I wanted to circumvent that as much as possible.

Starting point is 01:12:25 I'll circumvent your knob. There we go. I'll circumcise it whilst I'm circumventing it with snippy snips. I snip around your knob as I circumcise your knob. I circumvent your knob. Let's go over to the nasolabial triangle and see how they're getting on there. Eh!

Starting point is 01:12:42 Listen. No, don't. You listen to me. I've ranted a play. I'm right at a play. I'm right at a play. It takes a long time. I should be allowed to come to the play. I feel I must apologise for my friend.

Starting point is 01:12:53 I don't know why he's like this. This is very good. You work for me, Smurfy. I know. I have to do so much damage report. Smurfy, you go and get the original manuscript and we show this so-called theatre manager. There is no manuscript.

Starting point is 01:13:07 You know you just put on floor and put a pen in it. This is the my genius. It is called the big vagina of the mother god.

Starting point is 01:13:15 Right. Well, that's how we're ending this segment. Thank you for joining us for another Price is Shite. And we're thank you event. We're true.

Starting point is 01:13:21 But that's it. Let's go. Bye. No, I mean, this isn't the end. This is the end. You are't the end this is the end you are the end this is the end

Starting point is 01:13:28 did I catch that no did I catch that I don't know what that was mate all you need to know is if I did catch that that'll be distortingly loudly amplified

Starting point is 01:13:40 to get every single moment out of that beefy rub rub that I could get thanks for listening everyone did you hear that eli's dirty oh come on start again no oh don't do the big sniff when you evaluate what you've made you dirty beast oh that was that was definitely a radar sniff that was a i'm looking for the meat. Looking for the meat torpedo. He's looking for his little air truffles.

Starting point is 01:14:11 Anyway, that's it for Cheap Show. This week, we're back next week with more fun and games. Fuck you. Anyway, thanks for listening. Housework. Links, pictures, merch, ticket information, ticket sales information. They're all on our website

Starting point is 01:14:26 thecheapshow.co.uk if you'd like to support us on Patreon and help keep the lights on on this podcast you can go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show give what you can but only if you can and if you do you get access to podcasts and videos and magazines and special behind the scenes stuff

Starting point is 01:14:42 and all kinds of goodies that have been going back four years or so now we went up Carbuncle Row and magazines and special behind the scenes stuff and all kinds of goodies that have been going back four years or so now. We went up Carbuncle Row in our recent video episode. Yes, and also come to the live show. We'd love to see you there. It's in August in Harrow

Starting point is 01:14:54 at the Arts Centre there. It's a big venue. We want to get as many as you can. And if you're a bit on the fence, check out our fact page on our website and there's loads of information there which hopefully should give you a hand. An option.

Starting point is 01:15:06 Hopefully there'll be an option if you thought it was too prohibitively expensive because of cold play. Fucking cold play. As if we need another reason to hate cold play. I pissed in the snow. I pissed all in the snow. Here we go.

Starting point is 01:15:19 Why? And it was all yellow. I spanked in the snow. It was yellow as well. I went to the doctor. He said, oh, cut down on your sweet corn. I hocked a loogie. I spat it out on the floor.

Starting point is 01:15:33 It was all yellow. It was all sticky and more. And it was all yellow. I had a piss. It just came out like this. I can't think of one other song they did. It's mostly this, isn't it? That's Coldplay this isn't it that's Coldplay isn't it didn't they

Starting point is 01:15:52 didn't they say they're going to stop or something they promised that but they never do it's like when Elton John says he's going to retire and that's his last tour and he's not

Starting point is 01:15:59 he's going to be on the stage and die he'll be Saturday Saturday that whole thing with ABBA starting, I don't get the ABBA.

Starting point is 01:16:07 It's a hologram show, isn't it? Are there holograms? Or is it like, what's his name's ghost? Pepper's Ghost. Pepper's Ghost. Well, I presume it uses basically both.

Starting point is 01:16:16 Ah. It's kind of a cross-tree of holograms, Pepper's Ghost, and probably like other stuff. Projection, you know, video projection stuff.

Starting point is 01:16:22 It would probably be state of the art. But essentially, you're just going to watch a movie of ABBA. I mean, it's a 3D movie. Yeah, but you're paying live ticket prices to see a screening of ABBA. CGI ABBA as well. How much better is it going to be than watching a film of it? But there's CGI as well, so they're not even the real people.

Starting point is 01:16:38 They look kind of funny. Have you seen the advert on the side of the bus? They look like Tron. It looks plasticky. Tron ABBA. Eerie. Trobber. Uncanny. Trobber. Uncanny Trobber. Uncanny Valley.

Starting point is 01:16:47 Trobbon. Abba and Tron. It's Trobbon. So I'm going to go see Trobbon. Is that it? Yes. Instagram, Facebook, you can find us there on Twitter at The Cheap Show Pod. I'm at Paul Gannon Show and Eli is... Eli Snoid, spelled E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D.

Starting point is 01:17:04 And if you have anything cool you want to send us in the PO box, that information is on our website to thecheapshow.co.uk and that's all the housework I can imagine. Oh, email

Starting point is 01:17:12 thecheapshow at gmail.com if you've got anything you want to say to us. Say it to our face in August at the Hero Arts Centre. Oh, you've snapped the bow tie. No, I haven't.

Starting point is 01:17:23 It's just that the clasp came undone as I was twanging it. I thought you'd twanged the bow tie. No, I haven't. It's just that the clasp came undone as I was twanging it. I thought you'd twanged your bow tie string. Essentially, it's not my bow tie. No, yeah, it's true. But you will need ointment. Right, that's it for us this week.

Starting point is 01:17:34 Bye-bye, everyone. Bye, everyone. you

CheapShow - Ep 283: Norwegian Goods

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