CheapShow - Ep 286: This Is Who's Life?

Episode Date: June 17, 2022

Somehow, the economy comedy podcast has made it to SEVEN years of existence and Paul and Eli think it’s only fair to do something special. Or at least different. The Cheap Chaps have something up their sleeves and it’s going to make this year’s birthday episode a little more juicy than usual. Things start off familiar enough, with some admin, a chat about self-love and then it’s straight into an Off Brand/Brand Off segment all about instant coffee. So far, so good… But when an old familiar face turns up during the proceedings, things take a very unexpected turn, but why and for who? Expect revelations, shocks and scandals aplenty in this week’s reminiscence filled episode! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-286-this-is-who-s-life Tickets for LIVE SHOW on August 13th: Episode 300 Live https://harrowarts.com/whats-on/event/cheapshow-300-live For Information on travel and accommodation for CS300 https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/cheapshow-300-show-info And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Oh, and you can NOW listen to Urinevision 2021 on Bandcamp... For Free! Enjoy! https://cheapshowpodcast.bandcamp.com/album/urinevision-2021-the-album MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Paul, did you sort it out then? No, it's all sorted. Don't worry about it. They're all next door. They're next door? Being quiet. Okay. The only issue is if he doesn't turn up.

That's the problem. I know. But, you know, he might react badly. No, he's going to react. Well, no, hopefully he'll react. At the beginning, he might react badly. No, it's going to appeal to his ego, isn't it? It's going to be fine.

We've got him. We've got him. I just hope so. I mean, you know, he can be quite erratic, especially in recent years. No, I know how erratic he gets. It's fine. Yeah, I know. erratic he gets. It's fine. Recently. Yeah, I know.

But it's fine, all right? We just need to crack on with the episode, all right? Okay. I'm recording. All right. All right, Eli, it's our birthday week. Oh! Oh, we're seven years old.

Hey, talk about fucking things from the past. Yeah. Talk about things from the past. Did your dick wake up? My dick wakes up every morning it doesn't says hello I am blue steel

no it doesn't your dick wakes up briefly goes five more minutes and then rolls back to sleep it's fucking prodding me it's not it's going oh I've got you by the roots

I'm pulling it's got you by your dick pulls you by the roots it pulls its roots through me yeah does it your nut roots yes

you know what I'm talking about. Go on, say what you say about things from the past. Things from the past that we used to say. I used to say, hello, welcome to Cheap Show. I'm full of anguish and he mangles language. It's Paul Gannon. Yeah, we haven't done that in a while. That's a nice intro, yeah.

There you go. You're in a festive mood. It's like our Jubilee. Can I be honest? I prefer nut roots. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show. I've got tight nut roots. Yeah. You know what happens? My dick wakes up, prods me I prefer nut roots. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show. Well, I've got tight nut roots. Yeah.

You know what happens? My dick wakes up, prods me by the nut roots and then says, hello, my name is street code name Agro Stamen and then he... Agro Stamen.

That's enough. Enough. Let's just start the episode. I am code name Agro Stamen. Nut roots and Agro Stamen. Can we do a cinnamon ear you next year? That sounds like something you'd top a cocktail with.

It's a little bit more agro-stamen on that, please. Nutroots, please. Round the rib. Rib it with nutroots and agro-stamen. Welcome to Cheap Show. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. little posse. Off-brand, brand-off, off-brand, brand-off Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap Cheap Show It's the price of shite

Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheap Show And I go and I nuzzle Right, hello, welcome to Cheap Show Oh, it's our birthday kind of week episode Not really, I guess, because it all depends on when you go out And when you eventually end up listening to us in the future

Let me sum up by saying, good time, weak time Hello, good time, weak time to you In this edition of Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast Where myself and eli silverman go through the bargain bins the basements and uh hang out in the basement gone already fuck you gone just a little bit light comes through granular yeah we're in there we're in the uh house of mash you know do uh uh streaming i'm streaming streaming i'm streaming what are you talking about what are you no seriously what are you talking about we're doing that that the, seriously, what are you talking about? We're doing the housework,

the admin for the show. We should probably do some admin. An admin. Not admin. And streaming. Fuck me. Streaming is part of that. Fuck my stupid health.

And I was going to make a joke. We haven't mentioned the streaming yet. About sort of streaming out my genitals in some way. How about you wait... Poopy streaming out? How about you wait until I mention the stream

and then you can make a gag referring to the stream as opposed to just saying, I'm streaming out of context. Can we try that? We can. And the live show, sorry. So, what's the date that we're doing the live stream? 18th.

Why can't you get that in your fucking head? I'm bad with dates. It's a real fucking problem. Apparently in the last episode, I gave the wrong dates out for these events. You need to check with me and we can look at the calendar together. I'm willing to help you through this.

Help me through this? I honestly am. You do have a fucking problem with dates. So, right, this episode goes out on the 17th of June. On the 18th, Saturday... This episode now? This one that is going to go out on Friday, the 17th of June. Right?

Right. So, if you're listening to this on Friday, then on Saturday the 18th, we're going to be on Twitch. Tomorrow night. There'll be links on our website, thecheapshow.co.uk, and it's to celebrate our birthday. We're just going to have a muckabout on Twitch for a few hours. Have a little muckabout for the all-round fit. Fucking hell. And then, from 8pm, we're going to have a little bit of a laugh on Twitch, Cheap Show, etc. Links on our website, but also they'll be on Twitter and all, Facebook and all the other social medias,

so you won't hopefully miss out. So, UK time, 8 o'clock, Twitch, Cheap Show, etc. It's me, it's Eli, it's Biffo, it's Ashfrith and Ethan Lawrence all having a lovely muckabout for your entertainment. Ooh, a lovely little muckabout, a scrimmage in the den.

We come round here, we go round there and then we've done something. I'm just going to drink some water while you fill this podcast up with shit no on the stream i might be making a a new cocktail a cook a cheap show cocktail oh yes that's the plan we're gonna make a cheap show of a legend yes so join us and uh we might have a crushed noodle rim yes well don't give away why are you always bad with spoilers you and biffiff are bad like that. It's like, you get a really good thing in your head, and rather than keep it surprised, tucked away, you're like, I've got to do this!

No one remembers the shit I say. No, they do. That's why comments upon comments on the serious things I post are followed by people saying Chodney. Chodney has got out of control. Chodney has gotten well out of control. There's a period of Cheap Show before Chodney. I can't leave Chodney now.

You're going to have to leave Chodney. Cutting your children off wouldn't it? You know what I mean? Anyway, that's that. Borough though,

that's my favourite. So when's the live show? 13th of August. 13th of August in Harrow, at the Harrow Arts Centre. We are doing our big episode 300 live show

in a theatre. Extravaganza. Is that going too far? It's not. It will be extravagant. So it's apt. So why not join us for that? Come see us live in person. And oh, there's the logo release now. Tony has now done episode 300 logo. And if you get it printed out on a T-shirt and you come along on the night, we will definitely sign anything you get printed out on the merch.

Absolutely. We're going to have gonna have some sharpies in yeah we're not selling merch on the night but we will uh sign whatever you buy and bring our way how about that then what if someone makes please stop that paul what if someone makes some homemade cheap show merch valid and we'll sign that as well if you make the effort we'll make the effort and we got a big show planned we're just not going to sell merch at the show. No, because we haven't got time. It's just going to be me, you, and whoever poor boogery we rope in to help us out on the night. Too much.

A little too much. Yeah. So it's going to be a pirate show. Pirate show? A pirate show? What's the phrase? It's manned by a few people. It's like a skeleton crew.

Skeleton crew show. Skeleton crew show. All right. But you can imagine a pirate ship encountering a fucking skeleton crew skeleton crew skeleton crew show all right but you can imagine a pirate ship encountering a fucking skeleton hello boys and girls captain blue balls i tell you what the other day i thought i was gonna blow my load i got so excited i tell you i tell you what happened my boy so i was doing laundry, and I rest my buttocks against the washing machine. So I did.

And as it went on to its final spin, why, my root became jostled. And then just as it was reaching its peak, and I thought my big root was going to explode with glory after all these years, unfortunately, it ran out of its 3000 revolution cycle and went drop down to a soak and I was left with nothing but drippings

on my pants. Captain, Captain. Army balls. All I can say is in sympathy who are. Who are indeed. I'm going to go now. Bye. Bye. It's always nice to see a new character. How did that fucking happen? What's coming up on the show then, Paul? We've got Off-Brand Brand Off. We've got a Silverman's Plateau. We've got all sorts coming up. It's always nice to see a new character. How did that fucking happen? What's coming up on the show then, Paul?

We've got Off Brand Brand Off. We've got a Silverman's Plateau. We've got all sorts coming up. It's good stock today, Eli. It's good stock. Good stock. We're going to have good times. So let's just get on with it.

Good stock. We've got a lot to get through. Is this a eugenics thing now? What do you mean? It's good stock. We've got good stock content. That's what you say about horses. Yeah, good stock.

Come from good stock. Yeah. Okay. Please don't make that a t-shirt. No one's going to make shit you that a t-shirt no one's gonna make shit you say a t-shirt no more no try saying chodney chodney bar off bar off chodney bar off is my name chodney bar off is my game where did you bought it where has it gone it's gone up your bum it's chodney Right. Right. If you just crack on with this off-brand brand off.

We should. We should put down the fucking water. Why are you holding water? Why are you doing it? I'm afraid of making a noise when I put it down. All right. Well, then let's go into the sound effect and come back and do an off-brand brand off. Okay.

Off-brand. Off-brand. Off-brand. Off-brand. Off-brand. Off-brand. Off-brand. Off-brand. Off-brand. Off-brand. Off-brand. Off-brand. Off-brand. Off-brand. Off-brand. Off-brand. Off-brand. Off brand, off brand, off brand, off brand, off, off brand, off, off brand, off, off brand, off, off brand, off, off brand, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, broken, yeah. I only want to go on until you break. That took a long time to break. It did. Have you noticed we're in a slightly more echoey room today?

I don't know if it feels more echoey. I like it. It's because we're in the middle of the room. Yeah, we're in the middle of the room today for various reasons. But it is all in place. No, it's all sorted. Shut up. I just hope he turns up. Just saying.

You said he'd turn up and I'm not sure. Anyway. He likes you more. Yeah, I don't get that. He likes you more. I know. But you've pleased him in the past. Offbrand, Offbrand Brandoff!

What's happening on Offbrand Brandoff today, Paul? Well, for those who may be joining us for the first time and finding all of this fucking bullshit bewildering. We are as well. Yes. Offbrand Brandoff is a segment of the show where we take a noted brand of an of a product and we pit it against a off-brand similar item i don't think you've ever explained

it that clearly paul what's wrong with you today birthday episode uh so in the past we've done for example like you know a mars bar and then the knockoff mars bar from little and or jaffa cake's the famous one yes and who is the resident blind taste expert? Well, at this point, we hand over to our Cheap Show supertaster. His name is, I believe, let me just check my notes. Yes, it's Eli Silverman. Hello, everyone. I'm Eli Silverman, the Cheap Show supertaster. It's nice to have you back on the show.

Aero I failed on last time. But the interesting thing about the Aero was, ultimately... I liked the alternative more. And that's what we're looking for on this segment, isn't it, Paul? That is exactly what we're looking for. We're trying to say

sometimes it's worth going off the piste and trying something different. Sometimes it's worth saving money. Yeah, because it was a considerable saving. It fulfilled both those things. Better than the brand

and a lot cheaper. Yes. So what we're going to do today... A bit like those Morrison's cheese ones. Yeah, I know. Cheese biscuits. I hate cheddars. Have I mentioned that? I mean,... A bit like those Morrison's cheese ones. Yeah, I know. Cheese biscuits. Hate cheddars. Have I mentioned that?

I mean, probably, because you're a tedious oaf. So... Try the hate starting to creep in now, Paul. The hatred is starting to creep in now. Comes in about 10, 20 minutes in when we start recording. So yeah, it's about right. It's about right. So today we are doing coffee. Oh, I like coffee.

Because I think coffee's interesting because there are many flavours and strengths and brands. What do we face off against? I just thought I'd get a generic Maxwell House style. Instant. We're doing instant. We're doing instant coffee against a, in this case, it's an oldie brand. No, sorry, Lidl brand.

The Lidl brand, Rich Roast. Rich Roast, which sounds like a 1950s British pop act. And Nescafe Gold must be the best-selling instant, definitely in Britain. It seems to be the dominant brand. It seems so, although I believe Kenco's coming up close behind. They're all questionable, especially Nestle, who are behind Nescafe, of course.

Yes. Are they? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's them. They're everywhere. Do you know I've seen old adverts of Nestle, where they call it Nestles? I'm not even joking.

There are TV adverts on YouTube where it's like, Nestles coffee, or whatever it is. And you think, oh, they did pronounce it differently back then. That's good. But now it's Nestle, isn't it? I don't know when the change happened. It's like when Olavule became Olavole,

or Oil of Ole. Holy Ole. You're playing Ole. Holy Ole. Yeah, yeah. Oil of Ule. Remember that? Hello, I'm Ole Lole. Woo-hoo! holy holy yeah yeah oil of yule remember that hello i'm only lonely i like fun fair rides holy lonely oh we've done two holy lonely it's a new one i'm enjoying this you want to go on the

big dipper with me boy it sounds very familiar to another character shut up we need to do off brand yeah we do right so we're doing coffee so now yes what are your thoughts on instant coffee generally don't enjoy it uh as i get older i become less and less tolerant of it i prefer almost any other type of coffee and if i have to have that stuff yeah i will put three teaspoons in put the milk and sugar in before i've even put the hot water in and get it all pasted up. You know? Pasted up. Mash that up. Get it all. Get it slurry. So you try and get the slurry, a thick slurry of sugar,

milk and the instant. Yeah. And then put the hot water on that. Because also... Dissolution. What's it called? Dissolvement. Solubility.

Solubility of it, yes. It's a problem. It's a problem. Because you always get flex. Flex of it. Yeah. And also I tend to find... Which ruins the texture

of your drink, doesn't it? Yeah. Because you get these sort of horrible crystals of undiluted uh undissolved instant on your tongue i don't like it and also i tend to find it's just a watery flavor overall there's something about it which lacks a bite that you want to get from a coffee i think instant coffee was one of those products that was developed in the second world war for pilots and soldiers rationing and all that kind of stuff whatever it was yeah Dehydrated coffee, yeah.

So we're going to do it. Now, we haven't opened these. The seals are still sealed. So we're going to do the pop and sniff. Pop and sniff. What I'm going to do is I'm going to do

That's what I do every day. It's what you do when we record as well. I fucking hate it. It's the pop and sniff, I call it. Just check the goods, do you know what I mean?

What do you mean check the goods? Where's it going to go? The oven, the goods that have come out of the Dutch oven I had a thought the other day though good for you

you know they sell those smell proof undies that are made of silver thread or whatever silver oxide thread they're meant to like completely neutralise the power of the guff

as it goes through uh huh they should make like duvets and stuff out of that stuff I would argue they should make that would save a marriage that out of that stuff I would argue they should make your that would save a marriage it would save a life in your case

right sorry so we're going to do the pop and sniff I just find that amusing I've gathered pop and sniff so I'm going to pop the top I don't know I'm just saying it because what we're going to do we're going to pop the foil and then I'm going to sniff it because that's don't know. I'm just saying it because what we're going to do, we're going to pop the foil.

And then I'm going to sniff it because that's my favourite part of, my only favourite part maybe of instant coffee is the pop and sniff. Well, we need to get on with this because the water that I pre-boiled is cooling. So I'm going to turn my back. Should I turn my back now? Let me at least know. I'll do the pop and sniff first and then we can do the test. So this is a Nescafe Gold. It is sold for £ pounds in a tesco

wow that is really is on brand isn't it and how many grams is it 95 this one the other one is we'll get to it but i believe that's 200 so here we go pop and sniff here comes the pop i'm not allowed to do this because here's the sniff rich thick i'll let you sniff it no no yeah no spoilers it's definitely robust it's definitely got a very pronounced smell

I love it you know what I looked up the other day by the way sharpness as a descriptor of flavour means sour so don't win that argument that's how I've used it

no you say when something's salty you say it's sharp and when it's sweet you say it's sharp makes it sour. Salt does not make something sour. No, but I think I can say sharp for like a heavily salted flavour.

No, you can't. Well, I am, and I will. And I'm telling you that. I've looked it up. How dare you tell me how to express myself? It's not just me. It's the rest of the English-using world, Paul. How dare you tell me how to express myself?

The rest of the English-using world. Well, you explain that to Salvador Dali then. Or Lewis Carroll. What do you mean? Lewis Carroll invented fucking words. They didn't change the widely accepted flavour. But we understood what he was saying through nonsense, right?

Fine. So if I'm allowed to go off piece in order to express, it's like when people say, oh, this wine tastes of chocolate and horse barns. No, it's not, because those are things. Horse barns? Yeah, barns you keep horses in of chocolate and horse barns. No, it's not, because those are things. Horse barns? Yeah, the barns you keep horses in. Oh, horse barns. Yeah, it's not bread batches that you keep horses in.

Is it horse barns? Yeah, no. Oh, you get beat up. Poulters. Everything goes back to Poulters, doesn't it? It's the formula for this show. All roads go to Poulters. All roads lead to Poulters.

Right, here we go. Now I'm doing the Rich Rose Bella Rom. Nine. It's nine. It's the same strength. Did you say Lidl or Oldie? Lidl. It's the Lidl knockoff.

Did I say Oldie? Fuck, hang on. I've got the receipt in my pocket. Hang on. He's scrummaging through a few little... I'm scrummaging. Folded up receipts in his pocket. Lidl. It's Lid in his pocket. Liddle.

It's Liddle. It's Liddle. And now for the old Pop and Sniff. Oh, wow. Already. More acrid? No, it's... I would think...

There's a vacancy of... Oh, it's not as... Not as fragrant. It's almost... I mean, I don't want to go into too much detail, actually, because I might give it away, but it's not got the robustness of the Nescafe. It's got less odour, though. Am I right in thinking that? Yes, considerably. voluble yeah uh chemicals coming off it so what I'm going

to do now is I'm going to put a teaspoon in each cup now do you think they need one or should I put two in for flavor put one in you sure but don't put that much water just okay do you see what I mean and then once two cups are ready I'll try and keep the texture consistent about between both cups please yes oh no I will all right he's going to turn his back i'm going to do these cups you'll join us right back after i've prepared the coffees are prepared, Mr Silverman. You can come back. Okay. I don't know, just so we know.

We're sure about this. I trust Eli wholeheartedly that he does not know what coffee I put in what cup. No, you don't. And they're both identical looking cups, white mugs with coffee in. All right? I don't know what that importance is,

but it just means it's double blind. Which would you like me to start with? I in. All right. I don't know what that importance is, but it just means it's double blind. Which would you like me to start with? I'll let you pick. I don't mind. I mean, you know, I know which one's which, so I'll let you pick. So it doesn't feel like I'm leading you. He's taking some water to wet the palate

to clean the old taste buds. He's going in. Let's see which one he goes for. Now there's basically a white cup with a dash and a white cup with no dash. He's picked up the dash cup. Little pink dash. Have a sniff.

What do you think? It's weak. It's a weak smell. Okay. Now, remember, it's going to be... Oh, that's so weak. That's going to be

dissolved anyway, right? By the time you've had the water in. It's not going to be as rich as from the jar. Very weak, sort of acrid coffee smell. It doesn't smell good.

Oh, okay. Interesting. All right. He goes and takes a sup. So watery. I mean, this coffee kind of is though, isn't it?

There's literally just nothing. There's not even that much sort of bitterness from it. It's like, that is a nothing flavour. That's a quite, I mean, they're both strong coffee roasts,

apparently, just for context. Oh, that's disgusting. It just smells like when you have bad breath and you smell it on yourself. Right. It tastes like coffee breath.

Do you know what I'm saying? Got it. That's horrible. All right, well, try the second one now. It's horrible, but it's not even like... It's just nothing. No. All right, try the second one.

So on this, on that, I'd go that's definitely the cheap. Yeah. The knockoff one. Yeah. On first goes. I don't know. This could be worse. What's the scent coming off?

Oh, there's definitely a smell here is there yeah there's a chocolate almost sort of a chocolate smell weird

a sort of almost like a raisiny stewed fruit thing coming off it okay and then a chocolate yeah

right so this is definitely the Nest Cafe I think well give it a taste because what is it it's called it's called

Nest Cafe Gold Tariqa so it's meant to be sort of like a single origin sort of style but it's definitely on the nose I'll give it a taste. Because what is it? It's called... Nescafe Gold... Tarika. So it's meant to be sort of like a single origin sort of style. But it's definitely on the nose much more complex. Okay.

Definitely got a much more acrid bitterness. And that's all you're really getting. But how is it? Better or worse than the one? It's taste of something. Whereas that one

tasted of like shitty water. Oh, okay. So that's definitely the Nescafe. Number two is the Nescafe. All two is the Nescafe. All right.

And that first one is the Lidl Nook. Do you want to just taste both again very briefly, or are you happy you locked it in? I know that's what it is. Right. I don't enjoy either of these, but there is actually, there are things happening with the Nescafe one.

And also in terms of a texture, a less watery finish, actually. Okay. It's got a more velvet... Because I tried to put the same amount in. I hope I got close. No, I think you did. It's definitely, it's just better quality stuff. It's got a silk watery finish actually it's got a more because I tried to put the same amount in I hope I got close I think you did it's definitely it's just better quality stuff

it's got a silkier finish I'm just going to have to stop you I need to stop you then because what you're drinking now is the little knock off are you shitting me no seriously

the one with the dash on is the genuine Nescafe and the one without the dash are you joking me no and the one with without the dash are you joking me right now

is the somebody Brenda are you joking me now no no no not at all genuinely not the dash. No. And the one with, without the dash, is the Somebody Brenda or whatever it is. Are you joking me now? No, no, no, no, not at all. Genuinely not. So that one now

that you're drinking is the Nescafe. Nestle are terrible. He's sniffing the Nescafe. Oh, that smells like burnt tyres, the Nescafe. It's like...

You know what I mean? It's a charcoal-y kind of thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And here is the Bellarom Rich Roast, which was £1.60. The thing you didn't want to mention to me is that it smelled a bit chocolatey, isn thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And here is the Bella Rom rich roast, which was £1.60. The thing you didn't want to mention to me is that it smelled a bit chocolatey, isn't it?

Yeah, go on. Yeah, again, it's not great. But you see, it's not there. If there's no kind of, whoa, waft of smell, it's like it's not there. That Nescafe's terrible, man. And it was £5. That is terrible.

Buy the fucking shit from Lidl, everyone. And that, yeah, the roast one was £1.60 for more than twice the amount. I mean, they both taste pretty crappy, but at least that one tastes of something. Yeah. Isn't it bizarre? I'm kind of glad to be wrong, but I'm way out. I was just going with my heart there, Paul.

It was strange because the minute you said you were so confident, I was like, really? I thought, honestly, the Nescafe would be obvious. And apparently it's not. That's what Nescafe tastes like. It's just the worst. Weird. Watery nothing. Weird. It's kind of all flavour flavor and no it's all smell and no flavor almost there's there have you tasted them no not yet i'm gonna have a taste in a bit later honestly mate weird weird i hated both of them to be honest i mean i hate but anyway shouldn't

what we finished the segment so shouldn't he be he said he would i mean you know he's not it's just that usually... He's used to having people tell him... Well, no, I thought I texted him. ...what time he has to go and do places. No, but I texted him. Do some bit about Ghostbusters or something. I don't want to do anything about Ghostbusters.

Just ghost hunting. I want to go on a ghost hunt. The root of my dick, maybe? I'm not going to go looking for ghosts in your fucking perineum. I'd probably find a load. You would. The ghost of my dreams. Fucking pubes looking like rotted tombstones.

Ghost of my romantic dreams. Yeah, the ghost, yeah. Entwining themselves in my pee-pee hole. The fucking lost ark of souls swirling around your perineum. Swirling around my pee-pee hole. Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Gooch. Shut up. Oh, Raph!

All right, hello here. I'm here, boys. Jesus Christ. I'll call you back later. I'll call you... Raph! I've got this stuff here boys Jesus Christ I'll call you back later I'll call you Ruff I've got this stuff to do I'll just call you back later just shut up just tell the bitch

to shut up bitch Ruff can you come here sorry about that boys right brand off yes hello we've done the off brand brand off segment

that's right this is where you tell Eli if he's a good boy for doing well Eli have you been a good boy Ruff Ruff where's the money then anyway

also what when you did the arrows on that quest. Yes, you weren't around then. I wasn't paid. We sent you a message to be there. I am Richard Brandoff, Ruff Ruff. Well, the way I see it is if you didn't turn up, you don't get paid. So don't worry about it.

And also, we don't owe you money anyway. So it doesn't really matter. You owe me money every time you use the Brandoff card. It doesn't matter. No, it doesn't matter. Brandoff, it belongs to me. You are not associated with this podcast anymore. We dealt with

this probably ages ago. Ruff Ruff, anyway, what's going on here? What did you drink? Look, I need to

stop you. You thought you would come here today to judge the off-brand Brand Off. Ruff Ruff, who won?

Whatever. And get paid, right? Ruff Ruff, get paid. But unfortunately that's not why you're here today

because Mr. Richard Montgomery Brand Off, this is your life. This is Roth my life? Yeah, this is your Roth. Now, please take a seat, Mr. Brandoff. There's a lovely couch just there. We've moved the stuff around in the room. I tell you what, it's about bloody time.

Ruff, ruff. Yes, no, we thought we'd celebrate the life. Very interesting life, actually. Very interesting. Ruff, ruff. Celebrate your life. Yes, Mr. Brandoff, please. Yeah, please take a seat.

Just sit down. Ruff, ruff. There we go. Ruff, ruff. Yeah, no, we just thought we'd take the time this week. Well, I sit here, do I? Yes, just there. Ruff, ruff. So it's. Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff. Yeah, no, we just thought we'd take the time this week. Where do I sit here, do I? Yes, just there. Ruff, ruff, ruff.

So it's going to be all about me, is it? Yes, because it's our birthday and we realise it's your birthday as well. Ruff, very important. So why not do it? This is your life about one of Cheap Show's most, I don't know what you want to say, most important characters. Loved. Loved characters.

Respected. Adored. In the business community. Respected. Strangely adored. I don't really get why anyone would like a horrible cunt like you and they're like,

but whatever. No, you're already sitting down narratively. We've done that bit. Shall I sit down? Yes. Okay, good. You stand still.

Good, Mr. Brandoff. Thank you, Mr. Brandoff. Yeah, we're just... So, yes. We've got some stuff lined up. Oh, yeah. No, we've got some nice little anecdotes

and some guests as well who are going to be turning off. Who? Oh no, don't worry about it. Actually, I think you should clear it with me. No, it's best we keep it a surprise. It could be a bit of an issue. Depending on who you've got, it could be a bit of an issue. Let me just say, we've vetted them.

I hope you vet more than that. Yes, well, we've vetted them, and as far as we know, they're legit. Ruff, ruff, I don't know. Well, anyway, just shut up, because here we go. With the red book. Get the list. I've got my red book. Here's your red book. Thank you. Here we go. Got it, got it, got it.

So, Richard Montgomery Brown. Ruff, ruff, that's not my middle name. That's what it says on half the forms we found. That's what you nicked off the Simpsons. You just nicked it off the Simpsons. It's the first thing that came into forms we found. That's what you nicked off the Simpsons. You just nicked it off the Simpsons. It's the first thing that came into your head, and it's a blatant nick. It's not my name.

Off the Simpsons. Montgomery Burns. Oh, so no one can be called Montgomery then. Why is Roth Roth? I'm thinking of the general Montgomery Rothel. What a load of Roth-ers. Anyway, the point is, is that that's your name. That's not my middle name.

It's according to the names we've seen written down on certain forms. It's Miguel. He wants to know. No, we only found that on four forms. Richard Miguel Banner. Most of the ones you sound, most of the ones you sign are with Montgomery on. So excuse me for believing that's your name. Sometimes you sign with Roth.

Anyway, you were born in 1938, it says here. Absolutely not. Well, no one really does know, because as famously it's been known, you were an orphan. Roth. You never knew your real were an orphan. Ruff. You never knew your real mummy or daddy. Ruff, ruff. All we know is that you were found on the doorsteps in a cardboard box outside the school of motherless boys in, I don't know, it says Tottenham here. It's Hounslow.

Hounslow. Hounslow. Do you want to do that in character? No, Itenham here. It's Hounslow. Hounslow. Hounslow. Do you want to do that in character? No, I'm Eli saying it's in Hounslow. I've done some research on Brennan as well. Yes, Eli, Hounslow. Yes, Richard. The school for motherless boys in Hounslow.

Ruff, ruff, Hounslow, yeah. Yes. Did you have any memories of those days in school? Well, it was hard. I learnt all sorts of entrepreneurial skills, dealing sweets and matches and little straw hats that we made for mouses and mice. That's me.

Yeah, like Christ. Rough, rough, not much, no, rough. So you didn't make many friends at school, though, did you, in that boy's orphanage? I've always said, who needs friends when you've got money? Yes, well, eventually... You don't! Well, you didn't have money back then. Well, you've got... Well, I had all the currency of the orphanage,

which was these, like I say, these little hats. Well, I just wanted to... I just wanted to stop you at this point and say, Mr. Brandoff, do you recognise this voice? You there, Brandoff! You're late for class, boy!

Yes, you've not seen him in almost 60 years. Oh, I can't believe it! He's the headmaster of the school for motherless boys. All the memories are coming back! The smells! Please welcome on stage, and you've not seen him in a while, it is Sir Henry Thwackery! Oh, yes, oh, yes, yes! It's you, is it? You haven't changed, have you, in all these years?

No, sir, I haven't changed, Ruff, Ruff. No, sir, I haven't changed. You... Look at the state of you, boy. I didn't bring you up to be like this, did I? Well, I've been... Ruff, I'm sorry, sir. Okay, Ruff.

Go take a seat, boy. Yes, sir. Go sit down seat, boy. Yes, sir. Go sit down. Oh, I can smell it. So, Sir Henry, thank you for coming along. We're really surprised, first of all, that you're alive, but secondly, we're surprised you managed to get here tonight, so we're really appreciative of that.

What are your initial memories of Sir Richard Brandoff? Not many. I was shot by the Bosch and my memory comes and goes but I do remember certain lovely memories we had together. And when was... Can you recall when you first encountered

a little mini Brandoff running around the halls of the school? Oh, back then I saw his entrepreneurial spirit. He was a... Do you remember Penny a Smack? I personally don't, no. It was an old schoolboy game

where a boy, a young piglet would bend over... Is that what you called the younger men? No, they called themselves the piglets. They called themselves the piglets? Were they like a gang or no because they were young anchors

weren't they young fresh little piggies right fresh little piggy wolves and one would bend over the fence

whilst the other would cry penny a smack and the other boys could pay a penny to smack the rump of the piglet I see

okay and then how would this game well what would be who's the winner who's the piglet. I see. Okay. And then how would this game... Who's the winner? Who's the loser? There was no game. It was just a way of making money. And so Brandoff, if I remember rightly...

He was a champion at penny a smack. He would charge five a-tuppence. Five a-tuppence. Five a-tuppence. Five a-tuppence a smackppence Five a tuppence of smack And he made some serious money I see Were there any other games

That you can remember Brandoff excelling at Or Give me another example Of his business spirit He was He was a naughty boy He was

What did he do that was naughty He would never come to class on time He was too busy Wheeling in the dealing I see But Once or twice I had to call him in To ever come to class on time. It was too busy wheeling and dealing. I see. But once or twice I had to call him in to my office. To your private office. For some disciplining.

I see. And when you did have him into your office, you know, when he was a naughty boy. Yes. What form, I need to ask this, what form did the discipline take? How did you punish the young Brandoff? I don't think we should

I don't think we should talk about this. Sit down, boy. Sorry, sir. Behave yourself. Sorry, Ruff. I'll tell you, when he was a naughty boy, he would be beckoned into my office. I see. Where I would present my

rear to him with a paddle and I would demand he strike me, strike me until I wet myself. I see. Until I left a soiling upon my leatherette desk. Right. Brandoff, he was, I forced him to beat me, beat me, beat me until I wet my pants.

I see. It does explain a lot, actually. Eventually, he would just come over when he wasn't a naughty boy. And I would... He would enjoy seeing the pools of urine pool around my ankles. Sir Thackeray.

Yes. Sir Thackeray, thank you. Why, yes. Is it Thwackery? Thwackery. Thwackery. Sir Henry Thwackery. Sir Henry. Yes. Is it Thwackery? Thwackery. Thwackery. Sir Henry Thwackery. Sir Henry.

Sir. Yes. How did you, was that services to education? I did dark shit in the war. Right. You did dark shit in the war. Yes. Okay.

But amazingly, you are still a working headmaster. And I know we can't keep you for too long. You have to get back to your duties. I need to go back to St. Hillary's shitits Boarding School and get my rust flow on. Bye-bye, Brando. Bye-bye, sir. I'll give you my number. Nice to see you.

It's not the same anymore. So there we go. What a lovely first guest, Mr. Brando. Ruff, ruff, yes. What a lovely first guest. Ruff, yes. Explains a few things about certain proclivities, maybe. And you've got to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps.

Yes. You do a bit of urine play early on in life, ruff, ruff. Well, let's take a quick break, shall we? We'll have some more guests after this commercial break. Have you got refreshments? Yes. Ruff, ruff, what have you got? Bag of Coke.

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is the way Bachelor's make it. Make a pie that's proud to lift its lid with new steak pie fillings from bachelors. Hello, welcome back to This Is Your Roth with Sir Richard Brandoff. Roth, Roth, hello. Lovely memories so far. We've got more to come on the show.

It really is. It's amazing. It's eye-opening. You know, when that man walked in here, it was a vivid memory of being a child, Ruff Ruff. My nostrils filled up with a phantom odour, the odour of his rich, mahogany-lined living room, stroke den, stroke office. Stroke piss fountain.

It was a lot of piss in there. Oh, drenched in it, it was. Had to remove the carpets on many occasions. Ruff Ruff, I used to suck on the carpets like a little scampi. Moving on. So. Shall I sit down, Ruff Ruff? No, we're going to have a little chat.

We're going to have a little chat. Oh, okay. Ruff, Ruff Ruff. Theoretically, you're still sitting down for the sake of this. Oh, all right then. So, you weren't at the boarding school too long, though, because eventually you were adopted. And it was funny, you were adopted by, at the time,

the richest man in England. His name was Sir Gordon Brandoff. Daddy Brandoff! And he made his money in just pure human slavery. It was mining, you know. Oh, yeah. He had his own... He had shipping and mining and...

A lot of unpaid workers. I mean, at the time. And a lot of murder, apparently, as well. It was a different era. You know, the thing, rough, rough, murder was... You know, if you were rich, it wasn't so bad. To murder people. No.

No, I mean, that's still true today. What they used to have there, they have a tradition, paying off. I mean, that's what shush money is, right? That's what they used to call it. Shush money. And it was all perfectly good. No. But you took to the business quite well.

I mean, it was quite competitive because when you were adopted, you became very business-minded quite naturally. I think that's why he adopted you, didn't he, really? He saw the acumen. He saw the acumen. Yes. I was displaying acumen here, acumen there. I was acumened up to the fucking hilt, Ruff Ruff,

if you'll excuse my language, in boarding school. I was running that school. I had the headmaster. I had to drink his piss out of a fucking sofa once a week, but that meant he was mine, Ruff Ruff. That's true, yeah. He was mine, that flackery. Look at him, he's a shell of a man.

You know why? He works. He can't get over it. No, because his arse looks like he's been permanently lying against a radiator all his life. Oh, what's going on now, Paul? It's true. Did you see his arse?

You didn't see his arse. I asked for a few pictures before he came on. He was too happy to show them to me. And I've never seen an arse like that, like an inverted wicker chair. Paul, shall we get back on to Richard? Yes. Because that's who we're here for.

Let's do that now. Okay. Ruff, ruff, yes, back to me. Ruff, ruff, yes. So, also interesting in that company, although you were steaming ahead and, you know, you were doing all right as an adopted son, the real daughter of the business,

who he would never at that time let run the company. What do you mean? She was quite... What are you talking about? Well, Barbara. Barbara Brandoff, the sister. The real daughter of Gordon Rand... I mean, you had a kind of friendly rivalry.

All right, come on. It feels like you're about to twig out. Well, anyway, so she would take on some of the businesses. You would take on all kind of the shipping and export stuff. That's very much into shipping. And the acumen to stretch it out of the businesses. You would take on all kind of the shipping and export stuff. That's very much in the shipping. And the acumen to stretch it out across the water. Yes. Right, razor sharp.

And a lot of people thought she was going to take over the industry. But as we know, things didn't work out. Yes, it was tragic. The rivalry between you and Barbara was quite pronounced, but it was a healthy one that helped build the business. It was red hot, sharp, sharpened our acumen. And of course, everyone thought she was going to take over. In fact, when it was time

for your dear father to pass on, everyone thought Barbara was going to inherit the industry. But it was strange, his death. I mean, these days we'd call her doing a David Carradine. Because he was found with a mango in his mouth, hanging off the back of a bathroom door.

Yes. I know it's, sorry, I know it's probably quite difficult to talk about. Daddy, Daddy, Ruff,

there's a lemon on it. I just want to, before we get to Lemon! Lost in the Weeds of Grief, Ruff! I just wanted to play you something because

I don't know if you've ever even heard this before. When Douglas died, Ruff, what? There was a will, but there was a recorded will as well. What?

No, no, no, no. That was all cleared up. No, we'd like to... That was all cleared up. No, no, I'll tell you something. No, the written will... No, I will say right now. I will say right now.

It was cleared up. No, the written will was, but what I want to play to you was the recorded will that no one knew existed until only a few weeks ago. Of who? When we dug it up.

Daddy Brandoff? Of your... My Daddy Brandoff? Yes, Daddy Brandoff. Woo! So, listen to this. The long-lost but now-found audio will and testament of Sir Douglas Brandoff. It's not...

Gordon. Gordon. Gordon Brandoff. I'm going to have to call my lawyers. I've got to call my lawyers. Mumble, mumble. Mumble, mumble. I, Gordon Montgomery Brandoff, being of sound mind, do solemnly swear, mumble, mumble,

to give my fortune after the time of my demise, mumble, mumble, in its entirety, to my true blood daughter, Barbara Brandoff. Richard Brandoff, my adopted son, you shall get nothing. You reckon you've got the best business acumen in the world? Well, you can prove it to my ghost. You get nothing. Although she's a woman,

is quite good at business, and she's my own daughter. I always hated you, Richard. You piss-obsessed little rat boy. This is my final will and testament. Mother Ethel! Ethel, get away from that. Yes. Have you put the horse shit on the Ottoman? Smeared the horse shit on the Ottoman. Like I asked you, woman. Mabou, Mabou. Sorry, right.

What? So there you go. I haven't heard that in years. It's quite illuminating. I mean, that's just a... Anyone could have faked that. No, we didn't. It was interesting that just after your father died, it wasn't too long after that,

that Barbara met a particularly grisly fate involving eggs. Ruff, ruff. Well, it was tragic, I know, yes. Very tragic. It took them 20 years to find all the body parts. Well, eggs can be... When they go at a certain speed, they're as hard as bullets, Ruff Ruff.

Interesting. So anyway, you took on everything after that, didn't you? Well, I had to take on the mantle of the whole corporation. It made a good piece of seed money, as it were, Ruff Ruff, for my wider business empire, business plans, Ruff Ruff. True, true. But eventually export and trade and human trafficking was not for you. And so you moved on to more enterprises that, you know,

reflected more of the creative part of your soul. Well, you know, there's something I've always said about myself, Paul. Yes. Eli, you'll like this as well. Thanks, Richard, yeah. What I've always said about myself, rough, rough. Can I just say I like these episodes when it's characters because it's weirdly less Eli in this podcast.

Rough, rough. I say, Richard, you're a man of many colours and hues and talents. Ruff, ruff. You've run the world of international shipping. You do that in your sleep when you fart out your beans. Ruff, ruff. You need to have a challenge. You need to show Daddy he was wrong.

Ruff, ruff. So with that in mind, I'm just going to ask you to listen to this voice and see if you recognise it. Here we go. I'll take it from the top one more time, John. I've got some lyrics in my head. Yes, everyone knows him these days as international rap sensation Teen Yeti, but back when you first knew him, he was simply known as the one

and only Terence McYeti. Ruff, ruff, oh, oh, TX, ruff, ruff, ruff, one of my triumphs, ruff, ruff. Hello, what? It's T. Yeti, hello. The dropping spunk like spaghetti, I've got the confetti. No, so... Have you met me yeti? I'm Tina Yeti. Yes, no, welcome back to the show. How are you doing? You are perfetti, as I put my spaghetti in your wet... No, I just wanted to say something.

Come down like rice at a wedding. Confetti. Yeah, no, I know. You've been trying to get that into an episode for fucking months now. I'm glad you pissed it out like weak bladder sauce. Why are you forgetting? Right. I am Teen Yeti.

Hello, so can I call you... Hello, yes, Teen Yeti, hello. Can I still call you Teen Yeti? Is that all right for now? Listen, my name's been Teen Yeti for years. I'm known as Teen Yet the Spaghet. Yes, years. I'm known as Tignette the Spaghet. Yes, but back in the day...

Don't forget the Spaghet. Back in the day, you went as your original artist name, Terence... Don't take me to the vet,

because I'm Tignetti. Yeah, I know, but let's just set this fucking up, shall we? Gob shite. Yeah, I used to be known as

Terence McGetty. I was doing a different thing. Can I just ask a question then? Yeah, I used to be known as Terence McYetty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I just ask a question then? Yeah, sure. Before we get into the meat of it. How were you still called Teen Yeti if you were making songs

in the early 80s? Well, you know, it's more of a nom de pym. Is it just because, what, Yetis age slower? We do, yes. That's right, yes. Yeti years,

I am still only 15 in Yeti years. In Yeti years. That's interesting, isn't it? In your German years, yeah. yes. Yattu years, I am still only 15 in Yattu years. In Yattu years, that's interesting, isn't it? In your German years, yeah. Yeah. In your German years, yeah, I'm actually 700. So, I mean, it couldn't be called like 700-year-old cryptid. You have to, you know, it's a business, a show business, you know? So, let's take it from the start.

So, Richard Brandhoff sets up a company, doesn't he, called Concubine Records. Concubine Records. Concubine Records' first signing. It was a great business. The record industry was just taking off in the 70s. And yes,

and so you were the first artist to be signed under your then name, Terence. Terence McJetty, yeah. And you did like 80s soul, yacht rock.

It was more of a soul vibe. Do you want to give us one of those songs from the early 80s that we all remember so fondly? Oh, that's true. I can remember. Thanks for that.

Yamageti. Yamageti. I come in the cave. You are my love. Yamageti. I've been listening to something like that. Wonderful. It brings back so many memories. I'm a love I'm a lady I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love

I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love

I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love

I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love

I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love

I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love

I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love I'm a love

I'm a love I prefer your Yacht Rock era, I think, personally speaking. Well, you know, it was what was popular at the time, you know, so yeah. So, but that business deal didn't work out, did it, unfortunately? Well, we had that one single, it didn't go nowhere. I'm a Yeti. I'm a Yeti. Yeah, because, you know, it sounded a bit similar to the Michael McDonald one. No, I did the... No, that is the difference, isn't it?

I'm a Yeti. And then apparently, if I'm right, Brandoff was holding money back from you from the contract and the sales? Well, yeah, it was a bit difficult to get the old wads out, but, you know, I was young at the time. I had my whole life ahead of me.

I was really just getting to... I was actually going to New York when I got into Rip, you know? Yeah, but again, eventually... I was doing graffiti. You were robbed of royalties for that song, which is why you end up living in Mount Groppans. That's right, yeah.

I had to go back to Mount Groppans. But, you know, that's where the mind turned on. I was like a hermit. Hermit sitting in Mount Groppans. So despite all the humiliation, the failure of your pop career. I still owe everything to him, really. Yeah, but he still owes you £25,000. Oh, that's laughing. Look, listen. still owes you £25,000. Oh, that's nothing.

Look, listen. Have you got £25,000 in your account? I've got prop pence. It's the biggest Airbnb in the whole of the house of Pickle Jr. I didn't know you were

renting out the Airbnb to have prop pence. Yeah, everyone goes down there. You know who comes down there? Who? You know, who comes and pays me good money

with his tiddy beer parties? That poindexter. What, he's renting them out for sex party parties? Yeah, well, don't ask. You know, there's no questions asked kind of thing.

But who cleans that up? Oh, I've got staff who do it, you know. I'm a teen yeti, man. All right, okay. So you don't begrudge yeti him at all? No, no.

If he hadn't sent me back the amount got pens, I wouldn't have come up with my whole new image and my whole new sound. So, you know. Oh, all right. Well, no, if he hadn't sent me back to Mount Gotpens, I wouldn't have come up with my whole new image and my whole new sound. So, you know. Oh, all right. Well, anyway, just going to say a little message to Brandoff. Thank you, Richard.

And if you want to collaborate again, come down Mount Gotpens. Ruff, ruff. Well, it's good to see you, Mr. Yeti. And, you know, I'm glad I gave you a boost. You know, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. And sometimes you just have to be cruel to make loads of money Ruff ruff ruff Oh yeah thanks Richard Shall I go?

Oh it's me Terence Trent Yeti Oh no not him Oh no I was also on Concubine Records as well Oh me too I was Terence Trent Yeti It's Adolescent Sasquatch everybody That's my name now yes

Oh you're doing right I know how you're doing you live with me Oh yeah I'm Irby and I'm a bit of a nerd I'm a bit of a nerd I'm a bit of a nerd I'm a bit of a nerd I'm a bit of a nerd I'm a bit of a nerd I'm a bit of a nerd I'm a bit of a nerd That was Terence Trent Getty It's Adolescent Sasquatch everybody That's my name now I know how you're doing

You live with me I have to clean that fucking cum up He is the one who cleans Poindexter's cum I have to clear all that teddy cum up Shall we go? Shall we go now before you Let's go What's a Terence Trent Darby song

wishing well in my wishing well a kiss and tell let's go alright let's go Fine salads. Are you making the most of your salad days? Welcome back to This Is Your Roth with Sir Richard Brandoff. Roth, Roth, thank you.

How are you enjoying the show so far? Well, there's been some high points, Roth, Roth, but some low points. Very low points. Some lies about me. No, so far it's all been fact-checked by our experts. I would contest that, and I think my attorney would contest that too.

But, you know, it's nice when the hard work that one has put in over a distinguished business career, fair, ruthless, acumen-showing, rough-rough, over a long time, it's been

best. Do you want to finish that sentence, or are you just going to carry on saying words until you collapse? No, you carry on. Well, I'll tell you what, let's do something nice. Obviously, over the years, you've had a number of work colleagues who have worked with you, and we've got one here tonight. So why don't you take a listen to this voice

and see if you remember who it is. Oh, okay. Oh, Mr. Brandoff, would you like more piss on the backseat of your limo? Yes, I can't believe it. It's your long-time personal assistant. It's Carol. Yes.

Come on down, Carol. Raph, brilliant to see you. Paul, which number, Carol, is this? This is Carol number seven. Oh, that's my favourite. It's Carol, yes. Oh, my God. Oh, is this going to be on the telly?

Raph, Raph. It's a podcast. What's a podcast? A podcast is like a radio show, but then you can listen to it. It's going to be on the telly. It's not going to be on the telly. No, sorry, Carol. Oh, I thought it was going to be on the telly.

Now, Carol, thank you so much for joining us on This Is Your Ruff. Hello, Mr. Brando. Hello, Ruff. Hello, Ruff. Get your bladder full of Ruff. Give us some lemonade. Carol. Yes?

Now, tell us a bit about when you first started working for Sir Richard. So initially I went to acting school because I wanted to be on the telly. I see. I wanted to be in Brookie or something, or Bred. It didn't really work out for me when I moved to London. So I went with a temp agency. Right. And they put me in touch.

It was meant to be only a few weeks working for Brandoff. Right. But it turned out to be a good couple of years. So why did you stay so long? The money was quite good for what it was. Right, which was what? It was about 20 grand a week. For what?

I won't get into that now. Didn't you do secretarial work? Oh, no, I did secretarial work, but there was a lot of money on top of that for urination things and acquiring things for him that he couldn't legally buy. Rob, Rob, get out, Rob. No, I'm not going to say nothing now, I promise.

You know, he'd smack me on the bottom every now and then, but it's just part of the job. Yes, and so what led to you being, you know, fired? Because you were fired in the end. Well, I've been fired about seven times with Mr. Brandoff. Oh, and he keeps coming back. And he doesn't know that it's the same Carol. Ah, do you do plastic surgery?

No, don't need to do nothing. He's not got a very good memory for faces. No, he just don't care. He doesn't care. Yeah, he doesn't. Because you provide the pissing on the surface his service. I don't care. Drenches. Smelly, smelly, pissy,

pissy, roffy, roffy. Yeah, so, it's been fine. I mean, I'm still legally still working for him. I collect a paycheck. But I've not done nothing since he went on the run. I see. Carol, thank you so much for coming. Is this going to be on the telly? It's not going to be on the telly.

Hey, Randolph, before I go, for old time's sakes, do you want me to... Ruff, Ruff, if you could, Carol, just... Is the old one parked outside the black limo? That's right. I've got a nice full bladder. I've been doing nothing but drinking five live. Oh, good, good. Just, uh,

it's not going to be the same rate as normal, you know. Now, don't worry about it. This one's on me. For old time's sake. For old time's sake. Oh, thank you, Carol. Ruff, ruff. What a lovely...

Bye, everyone. I can't wait to tell my friend it's getting the other day. Yes, no, bye-bye. Bye-bye. Yes, it was nice to see her. It is nice to see her, wasn't it? It was great. Carol Six was a terrible fucking bitch, though.

You know, and all the ones before that, really. Yeah, but Carol Seven worked out to be all right. Carol Seven's a terrible fucking bitch, though. You know, and all the ones before that, really. Yeah, but Carol 7 worked out to be all right. Carol 7's a diamond in the rough. Isn't she? She's a golden shower in the darkest of jungles. We're running out of time, so we've got a few more guests to get through. Okay. So let's go straight into it.

Do you recognize this voice? Hello, Mr. Brandoff. It is me, your friend and partner, Jimity Biscuits. I think this is what... Is this working? Am I recording in this? What's going on with this? Just speak into the mic, Mr. Jimmy. Hello, I am

Jimmy B. That's enough, right? Yeah, that's enough. Thank you. Yes, you were once enemies, but now you're the bestest of friends. Well, he's my flatmate. Please, welcome on to the studio, Sir Jimmy Biscuits. Ruff, ruff once enemies, but now you're the bestest of friends. Well, he's my flatmate. Please welcome on to the studio, Sir Jimmy Biscuits. Ruff Ruff, hello, Jimmy. God, believe it.

Oh, is this going to be on the telly? Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy. I thought this was going to be on the radio. That thing we were talking about earlier. It's still in motion. We're still putting the pressure pins on it. You know, just what Gus does. Don't. I'm not going to do nothing.

Don't worry, I got this sorted. Did you get the cereal? I'm as hot to do nothing. Don't worry, I got this sorted. Right, did you get the cereal? I'm as hot as the rat. Did you put the washing on? I put the washing on. Okay. And I done all the other stuff, like... Have you emptied the dishwasher?

I emptied the dishwasher, and I put the recycling out. Well, thank you, Jimmy. And I did it the best I've ever done it. Ruff, ruff. Yeah, so anyway, hello. Oh, it's Jimmy Biscuits. Yes, Randolph, take a seat a minute. Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff. I'm just getting cut through. Yeah, sit down over there, buddy boy. Jimmy it's Jimmy Biscuits. Yes, Randolph, take a seat a minute.

I'm just getting cut. Yeah, sit down over there, buddy boy. Jimmy. Won't be two minutes. I can't be too long. I got stuff for doing. We understand that. And I'm doing a stuff. Oh, my God.

We do understand that. I'm Jimmy Biscuits. Mr. Biscuits, we understand that you're a busy man. I'm hot the trot. Now. Yeah. You are the most unlikely ally of our guests. I'm unlikable?

I thought everyone liked Jimmy Biscuit. He's the most detectable one in the world. He's so sexy. Please explain, because you were mortal enemies of Mr. Brandoff. I mean, he killed my wife, but I got over it. He killed my wife, but I got over it. He once, I believe, he tried to blow me up with a bomb. I've been reliably told that happened

Right, and And I got over that and then one minute he came to me with a proposal He said to me, Jimity Biscuits, I got a plan for you And this was the casino heist, was it? This was the casino heist and I was like all in I had nothing else to do I think you did move in with him before that

There seems to be some evidence of that There's a grey area of what relates to cohabitation within the law. But you are now sharing a flat. We share a little, lovely little oubliette. On the outskirts of London. On the outskirts of town. And I will not be relieving you of the information you need. It is a top secret Croydon address.

I see. And what have you been doing for sort of, you know, as a living? Because I know you've had a very varied career. I was a lawyer, an agent. A policeman. I've been a policeman, a detective, a spy. And now I'm a criminal of ruthless intent. You do seem to be.

You and Brando have made quite a pair. A real Bonnie and Clyde. I'm the power button. Okay, good. I want that put on the record. Paul, perhaps you'd like to write down for the record does power button mean like when you're not in control but you've just got a lot of control i don't want to get into the business i was told i was a power bottom no it's when you

go clenchy clenchy oh the clenchy clenchy yeah let's move on actually move on so i tell you what can we wrap this up i've only got two seconds i gotta get out of here can we wrap it up you seem to be talking a hell of a lot. Do you not say much? Yes, Mr. Randolph, I remember you. Ruff Ruff. Hello. Yes, Jimmy. Yes. Tappy Tappy. Nosy nosy. No one will know about our nefarious ongoing schemes. No, good.

It's just, you know, just get back to the... I can't dig it. You've got the thing. Can you put the chicken Kievs in? Yeah, the chicken Kievs will be in. Do you want pasta with that tonight? Keeves. Do you want pasta? Do you want pasta? No, I want chicken Kievs in. Yeah, the chicken Kievs will be in. Keeves, Keeves. Sorry, chicken Keeves. Do you want pasta with that tonight? Keeves. Do you want pasta? Chicken Keeves. Do you want pasta? No, I want chicken Keeves.

Well, you need chicken Keeves. You can't just have it on its own. You've got to have something with it. Maybe some ragout. Just heat up some ragout. We don't got no... I'm going to have to go to the shop now. What about waffles?

Potato waffles? Can you two please do this later? This is not fine. But just put... Look, I'll tell you what, Jimmy. Look, I'm just going to go. I'll get the liveroo or something, all right? It don't matter. I'm going home. Alphabetic spaghetti. Oh, I'll tell you what, Jimmy. Look, I'm just going to go. I'll get Deliveroo or something, all right? It don't matter.

I'm going home. Alphabetic spaghetti. Oh, I can get that. Oh, I like that. Jimmy Biscuit's a whore. Quite good. He's gone. Great.

Fantastic. Well, we're running out of time, so I know you're a busy man, and I believe they're going to be here soon. I am a busy man. So let's get this last little recording out the way. We've got something really special to end the show with. I want you to listen to this audio and just give me,

tell me what you think. Okay, yes, fine. Yes, yes, it's me, it's me. Lady Plops is calling back. Can I speak to a Stephen, please? Yes, this is Stephen. Hello, hello. Hello, Stephen. Yes, I'm calling you back. I got an email saying... I'm glad you have because it is a very serious situation that we've found with your account

actually. Technical advisors have said it's a very serious situation so you've done very well to call me back, Rob. Oh, well I got the email apparently I've been hacked in my security. That's right, it's been a severe security breach and we can see on my computer what I'm going to need you to do. It says here I've spent £40,000 on dongers. That's right. There's a bit of a... Here at Amazon... I don't even shop at Tumpy.com.

Ruff Ruff, right. What I'm gonna need you to do... Yes? What I'm gonna need you to do, Ruff Ruff, is open your account. I'm not very good with computers. I know. So bear with me. Ha ha ha. Very good.. Very good. You sound familiar. I had a baby once called Stephen, and it ran away with the circus. Rough, rough. That's funny. Yes, madam.

Now, what I'm going to need you to do, because there's been a secure technical breach of the misinformation technical files. Oh, God, there've got the technical stuff. Someone, it looks like I'm looking on my computer. It's in Russia. Someone is looking, poking around. Ruff, ruff, inside your files. Not Russia.

Oh, no, not Russia. Now, what you're going to have to do for me, and I need you to do for me right now, Mrs Lady Plops, I need you to do, OK? Yes, I'm frightened. OK? Yes. OK? Uh-huh. You going to do something to do, okay? Yes, I'm frightened. Okay?

Yes. Okay? Uh-huh. You're going to do something for me? Okay? I've done that now. What else do I do? I've logged on.

You've logged on. Very good. Now, have you got the account open on your app? Yes, I've opened up my bank. It's the HBRBC bank. Very good. Now, we need to balance the technical jargon session by overriding and you need to transfer 400 to me now. So go ahead right now and do that for me.

Okay, so I just type in 400 into this box that you've opened for me. I just need you to go and do that. I'm connected to you remotely through the computer. Oh, I see. You're moving my mouse around. Okay, here we go. 4-0-0-SEND. Right. There's been a bit of a... You must have made a mistake. What?

What have I done? You put in 40,000. You moved the decimal point. No, I just put four, zero, zero. I didn't put the other couple of zeros. There's been some kind of mistake now, Rob. Oh, no. I'm so sorry.

You now owe us 40,000. I owe you 40,000? Yes, but we can correct that. I now owe us 40,000. I owe you 40,000? Yes, but we can correct that. I just need to sort it back. I've refreshed my screen. Now, I need you to take your credit cards, put them in a foil package, and then leave them in 20 minutes, and our special officer, technical officer, will come round and pick

those up, and then we'll be able to get this sorted out for you, okay? Can you do that for me now? Okay. Can you do that for me now? Okay. Can you do that for me? I can put the 40,000 in credit cards in a used box. Roughly half. Where shall I put it? In 20 minutes' time exactly.

Because we have agents in the area, you see? They're circling around in the area. They're on the vigilance. So, yes, put it in the envelope. 20 minutes. Well, how do I know this is really Tumpy.com? Just put the money in the envelope, you fucking bitch. Now!

So, Mr. Brandoff, what do you say to that? We have evidence of you scamming a poor, defenceless lady. I don't think that was me. No, that was you. We traced the IP to your computer. I've never heard of this woman, Lady Pump. We took this from your files off your computer. No, no.

That came from your secret, crowded location. You'd have to speak to my lawyer. You are conned for 40 grand out of a poor, defenceless old woman, Mr. Brandoff. And we deleted your files. We went into the system. Mr. Brandoff. We've handed them on to the police. The police will be coming any moment now.

The police are on their way, Mr. Brandoff. So I'm just saying, if you want to just give in now. Oh! Oh! Oh! Well, what are you doing? Oh, I've got a really bad herty, actually, on What are you doing? On my... Oh, whatever, the police will be here

in a second, so don't worry about it. Oh, God, I'm having some kind of heart attack or seizure. No, you're fucking not. Oh, I'm all twitchy and ow. Oh, Raph. Oh, come're fucking not. Oh, I'm all twitchy. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, The telltale signs have said heart attack. So come into my ambulance and I will take you to the nearest health building. Oh, my ears feel very warm.

The nearest hospital. Oh, he's nearly going to die. We've got to get out. Come on. Come on. Come on. Oh. Oh.

I don't think that was an ambulance. I'm just going to go out on a limb and say that was an ice cream van. It sounded like an ice cream van. What just happened? I think we've been duped again. Oh, Paul. Because that was all very convincing. I thought he was having a heart attack. Well, yeah, I thought he was too,

but apparently it was another one of his absolutely classic ruses. Those two. Those two. We'll get you next time, Randolph. Bye, everyone. Happy birthday to us. Happy birthday to Cheap Show. That was our birthday episode. Teen Yeti was good, though.

It was. And Suburban Sasquatch. Not Suburban. That's a film happy birthday happy birthday us