CheapShow - Ep 288: Bite The Wax Tadpole

Episode Date: July 1, 2022

It’s time, once again dear listener, to tackle some more cheap instant noodles, but this week, Paul and Eli may have literally bitten off more than they can chew. They’re tasked with trying to eat a dangerously spicy noodle that warns them of the danger, but the cheap chaps forge ahead… and promptly regret their decision. How spicy can it possibly be? They’re going to find out the hard way. Elsewhere in the episode, it’s time for a new Paul’s Page Turner segment and Gannon is desperate to give it its own proper jingle. Even if that means stealing a bunch of old ones no one is using any more. Finally, Eli finds more joy in a treat Paul’s discovered on the floor. For real. It makes for some serious ejaculations of joy. Which is troubling! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-288-bite-the-wax-tadpole Tickets for LIVE SHOW on August 13th: Episode 300 Live https://harrowarts.com/whats-on/event/cheapshow-300-live For Information on travel and accommodation for CS300 https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/cheapshow-300-show-info And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Oh, and you can NOW listen to Urinevision 2021 on Bandcamp... For Free! Enjoy! https://cheapshowpodcast.bandcamp.com/album/urinevision-2021-the-album MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Smell this bag. All right. I'm smelling Eli's bag. Oh, it smells like a gym short shoe or gym shorts. Rubbery. Has a sort of rubbery smell. Smells like a PE bag. Has a rubbery smell like a PE bag.

Anyway, that's all from us this week on Gym Show. We'll see you next week. I've got another one of these eggs. Why have you got... Because I support this show by bringing content into it. This is the cold open. We don't need content right now. Well, what do you want me to say?

Hello, everybody. I did say that. Look at the way you're dressed. I'm staring at your fucking hairy navel. Is my navel poking out through my shirt? Yes. It's making eye contact. Do you think my rubbery mace can go in it? Eli has a rubbery mace ball thing that he got from the machine. Oh, I've used the perfectly good cold open we started with.

Oh, it sticks right in there. It fits perfectly into your fucking navel do you like that if i just leave it like that mate i'm both appalled and turned on oh god you're so tropey that's my new word yeah well funnily enough you saying the word tropey become very tropey so i want that to move on as well well look i've done my button up for you good because i was getting weird vibes from your belly button. What was he saying? Winking at you? I was looking at it and all I could hear was,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. A lot of people don't know something about me, Paul. You have a psychic belly button. I have a psychic belly button. It's used for psyops and all sorts of psychic warfare. Yeah. Why do you think I had to go to Russia that time? You didn't.

Why do you think I... It's the belly button. They anaesthetise me. What. Why do you think I had to go to Russia that time? You didn't. Why do you think I... It's the belly button. They anaesthetise me. What does it do? It fucking controls the mind of double agents. I'm an enemy agent. I'm an enemy agent. You're an enemy agent.

I'm an enemy... I'm under the sea. I'm an enemy agent. Right. And you've got me in the chair. I don't want you to be in the sea. I want you to be normal. I'm just an enemy agent.

I'm in the chair. Oh, look. Yes, you will not get me. Excuse me while I unbutton this't want you to be in the scene. I'm in the chair. I want you to be normal. I'm just an enemy agent. I'm in the chair. Oh, look. Yes, you will not get me. Excuse me while I unbutton this. Then they anaesthetise me. Yeah. And then it comes to life. So what?

Like that creature from Total Recall? It doesn't actually speak. It just controls your mind. So if you could just... I'll do it to you now. Yeah. You just articulate what's coming through. All right, okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So look deeply into the navel. And I'll... I need to wank Eli off. And that's Cheap Show. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of cheap show. You're gonna have to learn to fucking accept cheese Off-brand, brand-off, off-brand, brand-off Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap

Cheap Show It's the price of shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheap Show. And I go and I nuzzle. Get your other egg out then. Let's get that out the way.

Welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast with me and Eli with the Bargham Inn's charity shops and Poundlands of Great Britain and look for the treasure that we can find amongst that trash. Oh, yeah. What are you drinking? Is it more of your Red Bull stuff? It's green tea this week. Oh, it's green tea this week.

I'm on a health tip. He's on a health tip. No, I really do have a bad cold, so I do apologise to the listeners if I'm a bit bunged up this week. He's a bit bunged up. He's a bit bunged up. He needs to blow his nose.

Should be fine. This other egg is really unexciting because we've had these more than once on the show. They seem to be proliferating from a factory in China. A sticky man toy. It's a yellow sticky man sort of emoji type toy. Do you throw it and it rolls down a wall?

Well, no. It has to hit the wall first. No, it just sort of bounces off. I'll tell you what, that'll stick, but it'll probably stain, won't it, the mace? Pictures of these

will be available on the website as usual. And Instagram page as well. I put them on there as well. You put them on there, yeah. I forget to tell people I do that. You should tell people because it's a good place

for people to look at things. Just to look at things. Are you okay? Are you okay this week, Paul? What have we got coming up? What's happening with you? This week on Cheap Show, we are going to be playing

with some noodles. You're playing? I don't play with my food. I'm deadly serious about the noodles, Paul. So that's good. I think it's good. We're going to be doing

the noodles from last week that we got from Paul. Hannigan again. Yes, that did make me laugh. I know I shouldn't go, oh, aren't we funny? Because we're not. But I did listen to that back,

have a good old giggle. Good. Well, I'm glad you had some joy there. Was a man called Paul Flanagan. He liked stroking his spam javelin. Oh, that's good, yeah. With hindsight, you're going to think. All week, all week,

I've been thinking about that one forget his name right it was called Hannigan I did say Paul Hannigan no you said Flanagan oh there was a man

called Paul Hannigan he liked stroking his spam javelin that is very that works perfectly Paul he opened up the bread and splashed his jam

right in poor old dirty old Paul Hannigan his jam I've never seen jam that looks like spunk is it like gooseberry jam is a bit spunky? What's a white fruit?

A white, spothy fruit? Banana. Mushy banana. Eh. Bit yellow. I'll give you the taste test. I'll give you a pound of mushy cum and a pound of mushy banana. You don't get much white fruit or veg.

I mean, cauliflower being an obvious... How about I frit some cauliflower, give it a big fritz... And they're not frits, I mean. Spritz. I'll give it a split. You're just saying more random fucking stupid words. I am not! I am not!

I'll get it in a Magi-mix and fucking give it a spritz. Everyone knows what I'm talking about. And then what do you do with it? I pour... What do you do with cabbage? Where's this going? Not cabbage!

How dare you! On this bus route comedy, number 46 comedy bus route, what's the final destination of this gag? I'm trying to build a spoff substitute with a base of cauliflower. Ding, ding. Driver, let me off, please.

I've gotten on the wrong bus. Well, basically, you just magically mix the cauliflower, maybe add some aeration. And then splash it around, you know. Good stuff, Eli. Welcome to Cheap Show. I'm Paul Gannon. That's Eli Sylvan.

This week, we have got noodles on the docket, and we have a Paul Page turners on the docket, too. And I'm bringing this up because we found this book in a charity shop. One thing stood out, and I want to bring that up because it did make us giggle. Is it just one book today? Well, actually, it's two...

Well, it's a book and a... Hmm... How do I phrase it without spoiling it? Panflet? Panflet. More of a pamphlet.

I think this pamphlet is going to make you jizz in your shorts. Okay, I'm looking forward to that, Paul. It's so up your street it's got private parking. My street does have private parking. Does it? Yeah. Yeah. It's up your street. It's got private parking. My street does have

private parking. Does it? Yeah. That's what I say. Let's get on this bus. Driver! Oh, it's the number 61. All I'm saying is

I've got private parking up my street for a certain, you know, for certain special guests. I don't know what I'm saying. I honestly don't. Right, so

that's what's good about the show today. That sounds fun and games, That does sound fun and games. We don't. Right, so that's what's going on the show today. That sounds fun and game, doesn't it? That does sound fun and game. We don't have, do we have a proper jingle for Paul's Page Turners?

We don't, do we? I think we should model it on Rolf Harris's... No. You can join today. No, we're not. Oh, yeah, let's do that. I'll tell you what,

here's my jingle for Paul's Page Turners, right? Your book is only the start of it. Just one novel and now you're a part of it. Now you've got it. Paul G. Page-Turners for you. And you and you and... What was that?

That was the Jim will fix it theme. Oh, yeah. Should we claim that back? Who wrote that? I don't know. Poor bastard. That's a shame because you know what? It's a pretty good theme, isn't it?

It's a fucking great theme. But now, it is forever tainted with one of the most monstrous nonsense. Monstrous? Monstrous nonsense in the world. It is perhaps the worst monstrous nonsense of all time. Yeah. So, how should we get on to the next one? Anyway, we've got a live show in August 13th.

Tickets on our website. Tickets on the Harrow Arts website. Join us. Come along. Now, Paul. I want to confirm Octavius King will be joining us.

Brilliant news. I'm excited because it's always fun when we have Octavius around. Absolutely. And there could be other guests joining us. We've got Ashton's confirmed.

We've got Biffo confirmed. We've got Ethan Lawrence confirmed. And we'll see how it goes. There might be some more surprises on the night that we'll keep under our hat. Fantastic. Please come to the live show if you possibly can.

Yes, please. That would be nice. It's going to be a lovely show. Great to see everybody. It'd be great. We're hopefully going to have pin badges on sale on the night as well. I'm working that out right now. Brilliant.

Hopefully that's the plan. And there's also going to be loads of Redbubble merch that you can bring along. Buy on the website and we'll sign it. That's it. That is the admin. Mild green. Fairy cum splats.

What did I say? What did I used to say? Bumhole arsehole. Hairy bumhole. Mild green spunky bubbles. What did I used to fucking say? There was a whole episode. Yeah.

I've got nothing this week, Paul. I've got nothing this week, Eli. I'm disappointed by that second egg. We've got nothing this week i've got nothing this week eli oh i'm disappointed by that second egg we've got nothing this week on the podcast i attacked you with a jelly mace you didn't want to keep that in that's i'll stick on the end if you're so compelled you'll stick the jelly mace on your head you'll stick it on your maces and swing it oh here comes the jelly mace ding ding driver this bus is also going in the wrong direction for me. I'd like to get off. Here comes the jelly mace.

Murderer. Ding, ding. It's sticking out my meters. Tickets, please. It comes round here. Your meters is only the start of it. Anyway, that's... All right, let's cook some fucking noodles and taste them.

Let's do some noodle stuff, yes. Is that good enough for you to press the button? Nothing is ever going to be good enough. Noodle posse in the house! Can you hear me? Can you hear me coming? That's literally what you're doing. That's all I've got.

Okay. Now. I've decided right now. Common bottom lowest common denominator material for me tonight. Common bottom. Common bottom lowest common bottom. Bums and willies and bums. Bums and willies and bums.

Yeah. Noodles. Don't fucking. Do you see? Everything. Everything that's good and pure and fun. You have to bring in the farts

and the wee wee and the jam what the band the jam no the spread ladies and gentlemen

performing live on Cheap Show the jam going underground going underground I can't find my jam and it's in my hand I'm going underground I'm the god

mod father top boss mod my name is mod and I've got to did he call himself that the mod father. Top boss mod. My name is mod. Did he call himself that? The mod father? I don't know who called him that. Yeah.

It aggravates me. When they refer to Paul Weller as the mod father. He's the mod father of soul. Fuck off. Anyway. Hot takes. Hot takes all over the shop. Now, Paul, do you want to say something about how our figures go, you know, through the bottom?

What's that called when things go down? Do you want to talk about how our figures plummet when I talk about noodles on this show again? Do you want to pre-see this bit, Weiss, being a big old nego? No. Negging out hugely on noodles? No. No, you don't want to do that. Good, I'm glad. What I tend to do is I just don't name the episode with anything noodle in the title anymore.

Fine, fine. You don't do that with sauce, do you? You don't do that with anything. You don't call it a noodle special, unless it is. But I mean... The only noodle special we've ever done was one that you didn't arrange. That's on the back burner.

So you're still potentially owing everyone, myself and the audience, a noodle special. I know, I know, I'm aware of this. What's left to do with noodles, really? Seven years in, what's left to do with them? Not a great deal, Paul. This is the problem I'm having with the development of the noodle special. Yeah, I know. It's confusing, isn't it?

We do have a little bit of noodles on this show right now. And they were both amongst the four that were sent in by paul hannigan yes before we come to those though yes i just want to mention this milliket prawn noodle now we mentioned this on the patreon pod didn't we and it was that yeah but we did mention it in the episode last week i think i can't remember but i it's been mentioned in passing and you said you'd try it out. I got this from the Vietnamese grocer in Tottenham, which has the stubby steel Red Bulls. Which I'm still convinced you're fucking taking money in the back pocket for,

considering the number of times you've mentioned that brand of energy drink. But they do also have noodles and other sort of Vietnamese grocery items there. And these really caught my eye, these Millie Kett, because they're in a very unusual, plain brown wrapper. Yeah, it almost looks like

military rationing packs, doesn't it? Definitely. It's got a utilitarian sort of vibe to it. Yeah. Which I found was interesting. Now, I did try these. I bought two of these, and I did try one.

And the results were... And actually, I've got a photo I took of that noodle, and the pimping is fucking amazing on it, man. What did you use to pimp it? Just let me show you, Paul. I know you're despairing, but let me show you. It is quite an amazing looking noodle.

At some point in the history of this podcast, I said yes to noodles, and then look where we are now. Look, this is quite an amazing looking noodle. Noodle apocalypse. Look at the pimpings on this. I mean, the layers of flavour. Yes, that is definitely an unrecognisable bowl of this i mean the layers of flavor yes that is definitely a unrecognizable bowl of food based on the packaging now you can see the photo of my noodle people on

the hey if you want to see a picture of eli's noodle his dirty little stubby penis so i picked that one on our instagram page wild garlic flavor japanese style tofu which you can see on the left there there is kimchi there there is fresh scallions or spring onions um that i had charred um and also pak choy i am and if you can see there i've another item that i bought from the vietnamese was this roasted garlic oil i am not roasted garlic roasted onion oil hate this which is a it's new to me and is delicious. But anyway, Paul, looking at that, I think last week you made a sort of prediction about how many sachets would be in this. I did make a prediction.

What was your prediction? Of how many pastiches were going to be in that sachet. Pastiches. Sachets, flavour sachets. I think, because I'm going to commit to two. There was one. It's very utilitarian. It's a very simple noodle.

What was that one sachet? Just the soup powder base. It's like a very basic noodle, but tasty. Tasty? Very nice. Very, very tasty. Especially with all those pimpings. It was very tasty.

Very, very tasty. Very, very tasty. How tasty? It's very tasty. Yeah, tasty, tasty. Very, very tasty. They're very tasty. Was that from an ad?

It was for Kellogg's Crunchy Nut Corn Face. Oh, yeah, that's right. Because they are the tastiest of cereals. But what about if it was VD? I've got VD, VD. What is it like? It's nasty, nasty, very, very nasty. It's very nasty.

It's CP nasty. I've cracked my old VT scab. I cracked my VT scab. VD. VD. Yeah old VT scab. I cracked my VT scab. VD. VD. Yeah, crack that scab. I rub it on a coat. Shuts itchy, itchy, very, very itchy.

My scabby nubs are itchy. That's the first time I made you laugh today. Oh, well. Sir, Paul, sit down. What's wrong with your penis? It's flaky, flaky, very, very flaky. It's very flaky. Have you washed it recently?

Have you given it clean? Have you put it under the tap? I don't remember. It's not been out of my poxers since 78. It's flaky, flaky, very, very flaky. My cock is flaky. I don't know why that made me laugh so much. I don't know. We won't laugh so much now I don't know

we won't be tasting that your belly button's come out again and it's like I don't like the fact that it just appears it's like you know you see a horror film and an eye appears

on a wall or something it's like that it wants to be involved it does it's a sentient as I said the Russians used it for years it's blinky blinky

very very blinky it's very blinky it's an innie I've got by the way yeah I It's an innie I've got, by the way. Yeah, I've got an innie. I've got an innie too. Yeah, I've got an innie. Does it have psychic powers? Does yours collect fluff?

Do you know there was a scientific paper written about why that happens? And it's to do with the hairs in your chest. It drags the fabrics down to your belly button. It works like a vortex. Yeah, it's like a black hole. Because of the direction of the hairs that surround it. So it probably had some kind of evolutionary advantage to maybe keep insects off the rest of your skin or something.

I don't know. Well, no, because you wouldn't have worn clothing back in the day, so it didn't matter. And also, back in the day, in prehistory, they didn't... Prehistory. What did they do in terms of cutting the baby's cord? Bit it off. They went...

Did they? They bit it, yeah. But they must have... I mean, I don't know. They must have done something. It would have withered away. No, it withers away, doesn bit it yeah but they must have I mean I don't know they must have done something it would have withered no it withers away doesn't it Bill Withers

it's gonna be a long umbilical cord why are you getting he's doing the long note from it's a lovely day by Bill Withers everyone a long umbilical cord right good, good, good, Paul.

Good. That's good breath control, mate. He keeps going. A lovely day, lovely day, lovely belly button. Now, the two noodles we are doing. I'm in a very sing-songy mood. I know that pisses a lot of people off. I hate it when Paul sings.

Guess what? It's my fucking podcast. And it's about noodles and... Oh, I'm fucking getting feisty. What's he shaking? It's an umbrella. Oh, that's a nice umbrella.

I'm mixing things up. Paul. B&M. Does that have at all? £3.99. Oh, that's good. I need to get one. Polka dots

and an orange nubbin. Yeah, it's got an orange handle. Now, we will be doing this week. Oh, yeah. Let's get to the two we're going to do. We are doing this.

The Tonkotsu Mr Mayonnaise, which has got a great design, which is will be doing this week. Oh yeah, let's get to the two we're going to do. We are doing this. The Tonkotsu Mr Mayonnaise, which has got a great design, which is the face of this icon. This mascot. It's like the Mayo Man or something. Mayo Friends, isn't it? There's a website called mayofriends.com you can go to, but it's all in I think Korean or something.

I mean, I will be hugely disappointed and very surprised if there isn't a sachet of mayonnaise, Japanese mayonnaise in this for us to put on top. Yeah, I'd hope so. That is what we're looking for here. Do you often get pre-flavored instant noodles where like the flavor's baked into that? Unusual. Very unusual.

It's known. Some Vietnamese and also Thai instant noodles. The biggest brand being Mama. Have you seen those ones? Mama, they do Tom Yum. Yeah, yeah. Those are, they make the noodles in stock,

so they're flavoured already. Okay. And obviously you get, but generally no. So that's going to be a sachet. So that's going to be an instant noodle with a tonkatsu base

and maybe a kind of... I reckon it'll have two. A mayo to drizzle on at the end. That's right. And I've had... Just splash it on. I've had noodles like that before and they've been great.

Yaki soba is basically the Japanese term for stir fry. And I've had noodles like that before and they've been great. Yakisoba is basically the Japanese term for stir fry. What if it's man love? Noodle stir fry. Because they're the mayo friends. Yeah. Maybe it's a sex cult. Maybe it's calm,

is what you're saying. Maybe they've... Oh, grow up! What do you mean grow up? Grow up! You said maybe it's a sex... That's exactly where you were going with that. Yeah.

Admit it. Yes, thank you. It doesn't mean I can't... Now, I'm going to make a prediction. Suddenly change my mind and then deflect it. I'm going to predict there will be only two sachets because they're going to spend a lot of money. A lot of resources goes into the mayo

because that's a wet pack, isn't it? Yeah. Do you know what? I find the cover striking to that noodle. I like it. It's really nice. It's a close-up of the face of the noodle mascot. Just a white

packet with a red nose face on there and the top the whole top edge of this is the man's hair is the is his hair but it's also a lid you can see it's a screw cap you know what you know what it reminds me of mr matey but for mayo yes matey bubble bath yeah matey i don't know what you just did the wanking gesture and said Matey. Mr. Matey and the Mayo Friends. That sounds like a 70s porn film. There's something dirty sounding about Matey, isn't there?

Why? Mr. Matey. Does anyone else remember Matey? I used to love Matey. I was obsessed. He had friends. He had at least two friends, though, didn't he?

Who were his friends? A woman character. What was she called? Mrs. Matey. And was there a pirate? Was she called Mrs. Matey? The pirate one was the best. We have to get hold of some of that stuff.

The thing is, there was nothing special about Matey. It was just normal bubble bath, but the bottle was a certain shape that they could... The bottle... But the lid looked like his hat as well, like a naval hat. Fucking great. You never see that anymore.

But Mr. Matey and the Mayo Friends does sound like either a really trippy prog rock band or a fucking dirty porno. No, it sounds more like a band. Ladies and gentlemen, with their latest hit, Caravan of Flavour, it's Mr. Matey and the Mayo Friends.

We are the mayo men and we come down from the sky. When's he going to say come round here? We are the men of may, Omen, and we come from up on high. Don't look down here. Here we go.

There we go. Don't look round here. Come round there, but let's skip to the end. Next noodle, please. Next and final noodle, please. Do you remember, someone kindly told us on Twitter what this one was,

who that is. Yes. That is the Buddhist god of hell. Oh. The god or owner of hell. The owner of hell or whatever his name is. Yes. The second noodle,

by the way, the Yakisoba Mr Mayo thing is just a standard instant noodle with no packaging. But this one, the second one, is more of a pot noodle style where it has the container built in. Yeah? Is that right? Chris G on Twitter very kindly has said this, Paul. Go on.

The Yakisoba is Payang Yakisoba Hell Spicy. The demon on the package is Enma, who is the king of hell in Buddhist mythology. Oh. Which is pretty gnarly, Chris says. It is pretty gnarly. There's a warning on the cover. It says this, and I'm just going to read it as it's been translated.

So it's missing out the nuance, obviously. But it says, Spiciness is so strong that you will cry. So please be careful when eating small children or those who are not good at spiciness. Yes. Well, we're not going to eat any small children today on the show,

but we are going to go ahead and put these in the kettle, get them on, get them boiled, moisten them up, nom, nom, nom, bring them back to the house of mashed eggs.

And Paul, I think we should definitely taste that because it's going to be gnarly, isn't it? Yeah, that's the one we say till last. It's going to be really bad,

I think. So shall we skip to the uh paul what's this one called again can you do the translate on the cover of this with this the mayo one i just want to know officially what its title is please so this literally just says on the cover delicious mayonnaise ramen okay cool that's all it says looking forward to that one perhaps not the yakisoba spicy hell so much mayo was born from mayonnaise of the translation that's the mascot the mayo very close friends jager and ronnie in the mayo garden whole fucking universe yeah there's characters in the mayo garden where they are

there are always funny friends every day is full of fun events and then one of those friends are different flavored condiment bottles which they have for different different like different types of mayo different noodles well Like different types of mayo. Different noodles. Well, maybe they've got that other Japanese sauce that they love is that kind of brown sauce. Do you know the one I mean?

The fruity brown sort of sauce they love. I wonder if those other, his friends are other sort of sauce bottle mascots that they put on different flavoured noodles they do.

If that's the gimmick that you get a sort of condiment. Similar to the soy sauce sachet you get in a pot noodle chicken and mushroom flavour. Or the curry. Does Bombay Bad Boy have curry in? Have a sachet you get in a pot noodle, chicken and mushroom flavour. Or the curry. Does Bombay Bad Boy have curry in? Have a sachet of curry?

Or is it hot sauce? I don't know. You know they still make Bombay Bad Boys. Yeah. Supervisor is... Oh, this is the mayo one has been chosen as a supervisor special. As if the guy who runs the factory line has said, I think these are good.

You're right, fair enough. I've eaten more than 10. This is what he says, this man on the corner. Oh, he's a quote from this guy. Yeah, it's like a little quote from the supervisor, blah, blah, blah. It presenting this meal, basically, it says. Instant ramen, blah, blah, blah. His name is Ikaru, I think, or Icharu.

I've eaten more than 10,000 instant noodles so far. Opened up to Yakan Sakura, a special store that handles more than 100 types of instant noodle. Wow, I'd love to go there. Eat it while it's hot, basically. Right, well then, let's get it hot so we can eat it whilst it's hot. Make sure you get a good photo of the god of hell, because that is going to be destroyed when I open and prepare that. I've already taken a picture from last week, so I'll just reuse them. All right, cool.

So we'll just need pictures of when the meals are ready. Let's go and prepare these noodles, Paul. It's time now to prepare the noodles. And we'll see you in a second after the sound effect. I'm having real trouble, mate, drumming up enthusiasm. I know, it's fine. It's fine, Paul, though. You're going to have to do all the heavy lifting trouble, mate, drumming up enthusiasm. I know, it's fine. It's fine, Paul, though. You're going to have to do all the heavy lifting here, mate,

because I'm, like, honestly tuning in and out as it goes. I know you're tuning in and out. It's fine. I'm going to get on a bus. I'm going to get on the naked images of people I fancy bus. Oh, my God, you dirty cunt. Ding, ding. Oh, it's fucking Jimmy Nail.

Are you going to fancy Jimmy Nail? Oh, fucking give him some crocodile tears. Why is that funny? Anyway, Jimmy Nail Are you going to fancy Jimmy Nail? Fucking give him some crocodile tears Why is that funny anyway? Jimmy Nail needs love too Jimmy Nail wants people to think he's attractive too You're lying Why is that fucking funny? You're lying

Turn, press the button Why does she pretend? Stop singing! A meter's like you, so drip for me Turn, press the button! The kettle has just finished boiling. Art, I'm in the kitchen and we've been toiling. And we've been making instant noodles for you.

And you and you and ma-ma-ma. Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma. Now, let's stop now. There was a bit of drama, everyone. From now on, every jingle in this show is the old Jimmel Fix-It theme. I don't agree or adhere to that rule. Your sauces are nice in a sachet. Don't.

I'm going to put them in my meat ass, you say. Oh, it's hot. Now we start with Mr Mayo. I am both, Paul, disappointed and shocked that there wasn't a wet pack of mayo included. They had powdered mayo. It was a sachet of mayo. It was a three sachet.

You got the soup base. Yeah. Normal, standard. Everyone knows about that. Normal, standard. They had powdered mayo. It was a sachet of mayo. It was a three sachet. You got the soup base. Yeah. Normal, standard. Everyone knows about that. Standard. Everyone knows about that. You got some dried veg and this is where the drama comes in

because Paul can't... We think there's... Crab stick. It was in the actual noodle, wasn't it? It was like caked into the brick. No, no, not... No, it's from the veg pack. Oh, so I can't have any of this.

I don't think... I can't see it now. It's like little a little flex of look like crab sticks or something crab cake they often do have sort of little dehydrated fish sort of cake things yeah so you're not going to go for that i don't want to risk it mate unfortunately but i will do have a lovely half of this because it's reminded me of something from my childhood but i can't remember this is the mr mayo one that we're starting with oh you know do you know what i'm getting at it's that mayo smell, I think.

It's like a school dinner sort of vibe. Yeah, I had it for a minute there, but it was definitely a childhood memory. Papa walking in the park. Shut up, Papa. A van pulls up. Oh, look, here he goes. Men get out.

Where are they taking Papa? They're a great bit of fucking... I'm sorry, you're just negging out. It's all... Just think of a fucking song. Why don't you sing fucking Take On Me by A-Ha? Take daddy,

take my daddy in your van. Turns out my dad's a spy and he told me he's a spy. Well, I did have to run him. I did run him with my, well, my belly button ran him. He's a spy master. Oh, your belly button

knows my dad? Yes. Now, the mystery thickens. What is that smell? It's weird. I can't place it, but it reminds me of a school corridor. It's that kind of smell, isn't it? Cabbage and mayonnaise. You're walking to the school dinner hall,

and you're going down the corridor to get there or something. Anyway, just eat the fucking... It had powdered mayonnaise. Eat it! So the mayonnaise is completely distributed through the broth. It's powdered. It's a mayo broth. So he's going to take a sup. He's taking a sup.

Ooh. What are you getting? Salty, a little bit sweet, very umami. That's a lovely tasting broth. And I'm just going to go over the noodles. And now he's going into the noodle. He's taking a scoff. I'm editing the slurping sounds like because they're horrible to the ears.

Those are really thick, juicy noodles. Really pliant, really lovely. It's a good quality. It's definitely a higher end sort of noodle this, Paul. He's got a kind of creaminess with the salty there, Paul. A little bit of dehydrated vegetables

gives it a bit of crunch. Creamy with the salty. I don't think there is any crab in this. Well, you know. You don't want to take the risk. I don't want to take the risk. I don't fancy a swollen throat right now. No, that would be bad.

It'd be pretty bad. A delicious noodle. I'm disappointed there wasn't fresh mayo. But do you think that would have been even possible to add in? Do you think it had to have been powdered? No, because, Paul, I've seen this style noodle, the second one we're going to go on, like a pot noodle dish style noodle.

Yeah. Which came with a sachet, a yakisoba, which you had to... I'm going to go in. Now, the second is the which you a yakisoba which you had to I'm going to go in now the second is the demon hell demon yakisoba and this one's got a weird kind of Christmasy smell to it

it's got a cinnamony smell doesn't it it smells like a mince pie almost it certainly does it's weird I'm getting like Christmas day cold mornings

so what it was it did have a little graveyard with papa oh there's another van oh it's pulling the van up he says he's needed by the Queen. This is like that film, The Black Phone. Well, I'm all alone in the forest, dada.

Oh, Papa, dada. Now, it did have a pull-back grill to get the water off. It had a great system where you had to fold up one corner, pour the water in, and the veg, seal it, and then you used your little macho man. From last week. Also from Mr Hannigan. And then, the other corner opened up with a little kind of spout that you could drain it out with man. From last week. Also from Mr. Hannigan. Thank you. And then the other corner opened up

with a little can of spout that you could drain it out with. A grill. Yeah. Clever. Little simple clever design. All of those tile noodles in Japan work on that same thing.

It's basically a stir-fried noodle, but within a pot noodle container, sold with a container, which they had to solve that, didn't they? Yeah. Because you don't want to just have to drain it off yourself with a fork, because that could be kind of dangerous. It's a solution to a problem, didn't they? Yeah. Because you don't want to just have to drain it off yourself with a fork because that could be kind of dangerous, couldn't it?

It's a solution to a problem it created by its very existence. Right, I'm getting a big load of this on the fork. Okay, we'll see how hot he thinks it is. I'm going to hand it over now. I want some tasting notes as well. Here we go. In it goes. Now, this is apparently the spiciest thing in the world.

It's really very baking spice. Gingerbread men, it makes me think of. Yeah, right, it's weird. Fucking weird. This is like the spiciest thing in the world, it says, orbread men it makes me think of fucking weird this is like the spiciest thing in the world it says it says hell

yakisoba hell right let's go to hell uh oh don't say it before I eat it because I'm not going to go in

oh god oh yeah oh yeah oh god all the heat there is all over the place oh it's on my

tongue it's on my teeth it's in my gums that's really hot you know what I will say oh fuck me I will, it's on my tongue, it's on my teeth, it's in my gums. That's really hot. You know what I will say? Oh, fuck me. I will say it's got a nice flavour.

Oh dear. Oh, it's kicking in, brother. It really is. Oh, I've got a sweat on after one bite. As I suspected, that is punishment level. I'm now getting like

shooting pains all up my tongue and like, you know what I mean? I want another bite, but... Okay, have it. I'm not going to have as big a bite this time. I went for a really saucy bit. Oh, Paul, you're a brave man.

It's tasty though, that's the problem. Is it tasty? Yeah. Quite complex, sort of. No, I haven't even had my second bite yet. I shouldn't have done that. No, I haven't even had my second bite yet. I shouldn't have done that. That's a bit too hot for me to enjoy on a sort of purely non sort of... Paul's starting to make a funny noise.

I've got a proper fucking sweater. I know, I've broken out in a liquid forehead and I'm finding it hard to talk clearly because my tongue is almost numb with pain. That's the devil, the devil. The king of hell. It's like the king of hell is burning my mouth. I'm going to need a minute actually, Paul.

I'm in actually serious pain now. You know what, mate? We can wrap this up now. I'll say that to... Oh, I'm conflicted because that's tasty, but I can't. That's too hot. I think my mouth's bleeding. I'm really in pain.

I don't know what to do now. Ladies and gentlemen, that's the end of this noodle segment. That was quite nice. Eli is literally sweating and his belly button is pulsating violently. So we're going to... Oh, fuck, wait. Oh, we need a glass of milk. It's time.

I'll go get a glass of cold milk, Paul, yeah? Yeah, we'll come back for our next segment. Thanks for those. It's a very necessary break. I can't... Oh, my philtrum is filling up with droplets. Oh, don't touch your face in case you've got your fingers on your hands or anything like that. In case you've got fingers on your hands.

In case you've got any fingers on your hands. Oh, that's funny. Oh, it's calming down now. Mine's gotten into places in me gob. This segment's over. Over. So, in conclusion, that was very hot. That was extremely painful.

Now me and Paul had a little discussion. Was it as painful as the time the dragon made us eat the two time spicy Sam Young chicken ramen

flavoured noodle? Would you like to say that again? Was it as spicy as the time the dragon made us eat the two time spicy Sam Young chicken ramen flavoured noodle?

There's a lot of fucking information in that sentence but yes I think it is a lot hotter than that I do as well I think we got through we were trying to

eat that in a minute I would say though that tastes better than the dragon one you like the flavour of our king of hell flavoured yakisoba there I like the kind of

slight nutty sweetness to it there was a sweetness yeah maybe a nuttiness underneath the fist of pins punching the throat

it just was at that level where I'm not getting a nice burn, I'm not getting a nice sort of heat, I'm getting like little men with knives stabbing my tongue and it built it was a real moment I bit into the first load of it in my mouth

and was surprised by how quickly the heat came on and then it subsided where I thought, oh, that's it. And then it just painted itself all over my throat. It comes back

round the sides, doesn't it? It comes round here, does it? It doesn't come round here. It comes round back the sides. It comes back

about the sides. Eli, come round here, Silverman, is what you're going to be known for forever. I will not be. You're a gravestone. No, no, no.

Eli quotes come round here, Silverman. That's not true. It'll be your catchphrase. That's not true. On the live show no. Eli quotes, come round here, Silverman. That's not true. It'll be your catchphrase. That's not true. On the live show, he'll be saying, come round here, Eli. And then you'll say it and feel dirty.

I will not feel dirty. You will. It's time for... Paul's Page Turners. You can join today. No. No, we're not doing that. It's time for...

Paul's Page Turners. I like this idea! We've found! Basically, if they're not using it anymore, we can steal it. What's on the show today then? Paul's Page Turners. Fuck you Barrymore, it's ours. Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul's Page Turners. What's on Paul's Page Turners today, Paul?

What's the first book? You've got two, right? Well, I've got a book and a pamphlet-y thing. Now, I found this literally in the street. Oh, we start with a pamphlet? I found this on the street on a wall and I was like, oh, and I looked at it and I thought, God gave me this.

Is it actually religious literature? No, it's not. I'm just saying it's a sign. It's a sign to say this is for cheap show. Okay. But I think you're going to

literally launch all the little sailors from your cock end with this. And your little Mr. Matey is going to go to Mayo Town. Nice to start pool page showers with a little hors d'oeuvre as so to speak. A little Mr. Matey is going to go to Mayo Town. Nice to start pool page turners

with a little hors d'oeuvre as so to speak. A little pamphlet for the palate cleanser. Yeah, it's a little horse duvet. I did say horse duves. Here we go.

Oh, London Alleyways map. This is worth money. I love this. I love this. Look at the back. So basically It's nine quid. You saw it on a wall.

On the wall. It was just on a wall. And it's got its Obie strip... It's nine quid. You saw it on a wall. On the wall. It was just on a wall. And it's got its Obi strip. It's got a strip that... I've got something, I think made by the same people, possibly. It's exactly the same format

as my Brutalist map of London. You know that one? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It used to have a wall. There's not much to it for nine quid, so I wonder if it came with anything else. But you got it fucking for free. It was on the wall.

Where? Just like I was walking home from work, walking to work the other day and it was like on a railing on a wall. Like someone had just taken it out of something and left it there.

I love this. I am in love with this object. I mean, obviously you can have that. I love alleyways. Yeah, I know you fucking do. I wonder how it's done. London's guide to being knobbed off at two in the morning

if you really fancy it guide. Oh, this could be well useful. Oh, let me read the back. Oh, it's got lots of actual famous alleyways. Let me read the back of it. This is definitely actual famous alleyways let me read the back this is definitely the same company let me read the back of it shut up same company that made the alleyways have a habit of leading to unexpected places they act as the city's library echoing

the roots of trade lost rivers burial roads disputed boundaries tracks of animals and people they hold the story of a city that otherwise cannot be seen. This map by Matthew Turner, with original photography by Nigel Green, is an entry point to this story, introducing the hidden passages of London. Some of these I am very familiar with, Paul. Yeah, I bet you are.

Shut up. How's that? Do you? You know the alleyways, do you? Yes. I get rough trade in these alleyways of course you do why do you

oi oi oi I'm trying to be cultural here oh yeah the only thing cultural about you is the fucking foam around your dick

this one I was at the other day Yoggettop Fleet Hill Eli Yoggettop Silverman Fleet Street Hill yeah which is in Dalston round one I was at the other day. Yoggettop. Fleet Hill. Eli Yoggettop Silverman. Fleet Street Hill.

Yeah. Which is in Dalston around the back of Brick Lane. Yeah. That one there. That one there. Do you recognise that at all? Yeah. And they use that as a

film location. I've seen loads of stuff. I can imagine that. It's quite filmic that spot. Yeah, it's covered in graffiti and it's got stairs going up and it's like a rail bridge

overhead. That's Fleet Street Hill. Best seen while aboard a train approaching Shoreditch High Street Station, it says here. Yeah, because some aren't accessible. Some you can only see. Well, you can get down there.

I was down there the other day. Oh, all right. Yeah, you can walk. You can get through it. We should go to... Oh, yeah. I'm just... Yes, and then I have anal sex with strangers there.

Yes, is that what you want me to say? No, don't grow up. I just mean, you know. I'm just going to have a little glance before we move on, Paul, to see if there's any others I... Winky eye. Any others that I recognise. How do you recognise them?

The dark, Mr Filmerman. Shut up. Anyway, I'm tired of that now. We should check some of these out, mate. Maybe we could do a Patreon video where we visit a few in a row. Definitely. And knob you off.

That's our only fan video. Passing alley. Is that in East Central? Yeah. So one side of this fold-out map has the locations of these alleyways. And on the back, a little bit more detail about

what these alleyways mean. They've picked out, very similar to the Brutalism one they did, they've picked out, they've curated some alleyways, do you know what I mean? Some notable alleyways, and then they put them on the map. Yeah. Do you see what I mean? It's not that much use as an actual map to them. It's more of a sort of...

No, it's a, if you're wandering around... A guide to some. They've curated it, is what I'm trying to say. Do you know what I mean? John Rogers would fucking love this. It's a lovely thing. Clifford's Inn Passage, Turnagain Lane,

Star Yard. Alleyways have really interesting names as well because alleyways are magpie alley. They're less prone to change. Aren't they, if you think about it,

than a normal street because unless the whole area gets developed. You don't have to make it over for cars or whatever. I think the definition of an alleyway there

is just a pedestrian street. And they're mostly between buildings I guess you know around like Fleet Street that area isn't it there's loads there every other building

has an alleyway down there doesn't it if you go down the north side of Fleet Street we should plot a route and do a few of these for a Patreon video absolutely

well maybe yeah but we'd have to pick one sector like East Central or we could do some of the out of the way ones yeah-the-way ones. Yeah.

Like Middleton Passage. Where's that? Is that up near here? No, that is... No, this is near King's Cross, down towards Old Street, that kind of area. Middleton Passage. That's what it says. Fucking cool.

So there you go. I found that on a wall. Someone abandoned it or locked it. Fantastic find, Paul. Well spotted. Brilliant. This is something you can look into. I'm going to put it on my fucking wall.

That's what I'm going to fucking do. Right. So this book that we're going to do, Paul's Page Turners, we both spotted, well, I spotted it in a charity shop in London, in Camden. Remember we found that Loch Ness book at the same time?

Oh, yes. Which you bought for your friend. Yeah, my mate Hayley. I'm also going to give her that tape of Loch Ness that we had. That production quality on that was fucking high. I listened to it and you know what? It goes on for a little bit too long

because each side's about half an hour. But, yes, very well put together. They went back to the sort of pre-history, didn't they? The dawn of time with all the orchestra and stuff.

And then they spent about 50 minutes talking to a friend of a hippie who once... Who hung out with... Well, he rented out... Jimmy Page. Yeah, who had Alistair Crowley's house near Loch N, who had Alistair Crowley's house

near Loch Ness where Alistair Crowley did a lot of, shall we say, alleyway activity in the name of magic. So this is the other book that we got

and it's called Wrong! by Jane O'Boyle. I haven't seen this. So, yeah, you'll remember it when I bring up the one story that I opened

and when I'm getting this book. Oh, right. So, I'm just going to read the back of it. For anyone who ever suffered the embarrassment of making a gigantic error of judgement, here is a collection of monumental mishaps, wildly wild of the mark predictions and blindingly

bad ideas that will warm the heart of even the most maladroit among us. Featuring toffee-nosed actors, nutty professors, ludicrously optimistic military commanders and lying politicians, megalomaniac film directorsctors and Blinked Business Tycoons. There's a lot of alliteration and assonance going on there. Well, you have to get through a blurb somehow, don't you?

So yeah, this is a collection of quotes from people who said, for instance, the internet will never catch on. And then the internet caught on. And the guy who didn't sign the Beatles and all of that. Yeah, all that kind of shit. But the one that I remember us opening the page to and going, well, that's a lovely fact. Okay, let's hear it.

Let me see if I can find it now. Because weirdly, every time I've opened this book, it's fallen open at that page. But now that I'm looking for it, oh, I found it. Oh, good. I'm just going to say the line

and you see if you can remember what it means, right? Okay. So I'm just going to say this. Bite the wax tadpole. Oh, yeah. See, it all comes back now. Do you remember what that is?

So I just read it. Read it. So the reason why bite the wax tadpole oh yeah see it all comes back now do you remember what that so i'll just read it read it so the reason why bite the wax tadpole is a thing is because the original name for coca-cola when it was introduced in china in 1920 was bite the wax tadpole why the company had selected a name with chinese characters that sounded most like coca-cola so the they went with the sound of phonetic of what coca--Cola would sound like in Chinese. Always a mistake. So the word sounded like Coca-Cola, but to the Chinese, it meant something else.

The soda company soon changed its name to its Chinese name using new characters that translated into happiness in the mouth. But originally... Taste good water. Coca-Cola was bite the wax tab part. I'd buy something like a new soda pool that was called taste good in the mouth water or something like that, wouldn't you? Yeah.

Oh, get us a nice bottle of happiness in the mouth. Happiness in my mouth. Bite the wax tadpole. I mean, the euphemism just jumps off the page. Very much like that tadpole coming out the end of my amethyst and made of wax. Waxy, waxy tadpoles. That could be another word for spunk. All right, darling.

Do you want to, you know, pop downstairs and hurt back the old wax tadpole? Is that what you're getting at? Yeah. Chew on my wax tadpoles for love. Yeah, darling, yeah. All right, I'm just buying the wax tadpoles.

Shut up. I've been in the bedroom. I've deposited the wax tadpoles in a little pool in the depression on my pillow and I would like you to wait for the rubberiness to envelop the pool

and then chow down and make sure it goes bouncy wait for the rubberiness to envelop the pool and then chow down and make sure it goes bouncy bouncy the back of your palate all my waxy tadpoles driver i'm on the wrong bus again i'll never get home at this rate you won't this reminds me sorry this isn't a newspaper the greek special is a huge 18inch pizza and not a huge 18-inch penis, as described in the advert. That sounds like... Blondie's Pizza would like to apologise for any confusion Friday's ad may have caused. Wow, that's like that menu. Do you remember that menu I saw that said, had meatballs, but it was spelled M-E-E-T.

Meatballs. Also, while I remember this, I just saw a YouTube video about licorice anise flavour yes and do you know what there's a type of anise sort of fennel I think it is

that has that flavour has that chemical in that sort of licorice flavour chemical and the word the Greek word for it is marathon so that made me think

aha maybe that's another reason why Snickers turned to Snickers for marathon all those years ago. Because it suggested to people who spoke Greek or something... That it was an aniseed snack.

That it was an aniseed snack, which you wouldn't want. You want it to say peanuts. But that would only work if they called marathon, marathon in Greece. Well, maybe they did. Maybe they're trying to save money and have a Snickers everywhere instead of marathon, where some of these markets, there's a problem. You know, it's just another little layer on the whole marathon turning from marathon to snickers story i don't know if it's relevant paul i'm just trying to do research here it's one of these weird things where i just think to myself all those it's like there was a whole period in the 90s where like snacks became global like starburst and they changed their name didn't

they yeah and it's like you know it's so long ago now that it's like doesn't fucking matter no it doesn't bring back marathon why is it going to change the flavor no it's so long ago now that it's like, it doesn't fucking matter. No, it doesn't. Bring back Marathon. Why? Is it going to change the flavour? No. It's still the same fucking thing. No, I think Snickers is a better name for that product as well, don't you? Because Marathon in English is a big race,

and it's like, what, it takes me ages to finish because I... No, that was the impression, wasn't it? It's a big snack. All right. Right, who said this? I'll be damned if I'm going to spend two years of my life out in the desert on some fucking camel. Who said that? I'll tell you it's an going to spend two years of my life out in the desert on some fucking camel. Who said that?

I'll tell you it's an actor. Peter O'Toole. No, but you're close in terms of what this topic's about. He played Lawrence of Arabia, didn't he? Yes. Omar Sharif? No. The answer is Marlon Brando. In 1962, he turned down the role in David Lean's Lawrence of Arabia.

Oh, he turned it down? Yeah. Before Peter O'Toole did it? I can't imagine Brando. Brando instead spent a year in Tahiti for a remake of Mutiny on the Bounty. After Albert Finney also turned down the role of T.E. Lawrence, Lean chose an unknown actor called Peter O'Toole.

Oh, that made Peter O'Toole. Who won an Oscar nomination for his performance. Well, he was perfect in the role, wasn't he? And Brando's Mutiny was a flop that bankrupted MGM. Wow, Brando was fucking shit up left, right and centre throughout his whole career, wasn't he? Who said this? He fucking fucked movies up.

He fucked that up. He tanked MGM. Yeah. Just by turning that down. Yeah, for Mutiny on the Bounty. Wow. So here's another one for you. Mutiny on the Bounty, you can see him reading the lines off people's shoulders in that as well, can't you?

Yeah, he was at that point in his career, he was like, ah, fuck it. I've just had an idea for a character as well. Yeah. Are you sure you have? Or have you just stopped me for no reason? Marlon Brandoff. Marlon Brandoff.

What, an actor who... He's in the Brandoff... Family. Family. Can you put a pin in that and then deflate it and put it in a bin? Deflate the pin?

What? No, put a pin in your idea and it deflates the idea and then puts the idea in the bin. Is this Mr. Inflatable Boy? Yeah, Mr. Inflatable Pin Town, yes Mr. Flate Man Pintown, yes. What do you reckon this was in relation to, this quote?

We don't like their sound. They sound too much like the Shadows. And guitar music, it's on its way out anyway. Was it not Polydor? Because they did sign them. It's whoever it was who turned down the Beatles. Yes, you're correct. It's Decca Records.

Decca. The producers talking about the Beatles in 1962. Guitar music's on the way out. Well, at that time... But apparently this criticism almost prompted the Beatles to break up. They had chats about it as a result of this comment

before they recorded their first record for EMI. And then they released Love Me Do in October 62, which was, I believe, quite the hit. Imagine that. They'd broken up. You'd think that they all would have... Well, at least John, Paul and George would have been famous musicians in their own right in whatever bands they'd broken up. You'd think that they all would have, well at least John Paul and George would have been famous musicians in their own right

in whatever bands they ended up in. Do you think? I find that interesting. Do you think we'd even be? Do you think Paul McCartney would be headlining Glastonbury if the Beatles had broken up at that stage? Yeah. He still would be. He still would have written those songs would he? Are you saying that if the Beatles hadn't formed? If they hadn't formed

at all? No, if they disbanded after that guy at Decker said fuck off. Oh, well then no. There wouldn't be well of course there wouldn't be any Paul McCartney. Well there might be.

He's one of the greatest songwriters who ever lived. Yeah, but right now in that timeline he'd probably be hanging around with a scaffold trying to do their fucking reunion.

Yeah, but that's what I mean. He would have written some hit songs. It's hard to imagine them not Paul McCartney specifically not having written you know, not writing a hit song ever his whole life. It's that level of them not Paul McCartney specifically not having written, you know, not writing a hit song

ever his whole life. It's that level of talent. But that's the thing, it's the butterfly effect of history, isn't it? Yeah, they got that opportunity and as a result of that, his talent blossomed because he was compelled to write songs for albums. But also it's a magic pairing with John's songwriting style.

He might never have had that night of sleeping and dreaming of yesterday. That's what I mean. That's what I'm getting at. It's very strange. I find that interesting to muse on, Paul. Right, okay. Paul, we could use this map

and also my brutalist Landmarks of London map and sort of coagulate them together. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, that's true. You know what I'm getting at? Yeah, so what do you want to do with that? Walk around. You said the walking around getting at? Yeah, so what do you want to do with that? Walk around. You said the walking around episodes

do better than the noodle episodes, so we need to get one in. I don't believe that's true, by the way. People love noodles. It's a fact of cheap show you. Fuck off. I'm just waiting for Paul to find something he thinks is worthy of ending the segment on.

It might be a while. Could be here for ages. Do you want some more hot noodles? Here's a good positive story to end on. It might be a while. Could be here for ages. Do you want some more hot noodles? Here's a good positive story to end on. Not particularly funny, but I like one of those last laugh kind of things,

alright? Entertainment impresario P.T. Barnum, or that man who was a bit of a prick. Absolute monster. He fucking kept blue whales in a tank in his fucking

downtown hotel. Didn't he have whales in the fucking basement? Yeah, because he built a whole kind of weird and wonderful place of oddities,

didn't he? Fucking monster. But the thing is, yeah, and the thing is, is like, people now think of him because of that fucking

musical of Hugh Jackman, you know, the great entertainer of the world, whatever that film is. And it's like, first of all, that's a fucking awful musical

and I don't understand its appeal. And secondly, P.T. Barnum is a fucking horrible prick. Not to be celebrated like a Paul Daniels of his day. Anyway, entertainment impresario P.T. Barnum felt disgraced when his daughter Helen left her husband to marry a doctor in Chicago in 1889. His daughter?

Yeah. Why? Because she left the husband oh she left her husband and went to marry a doctor in Chicago and obviously P.T. Barnum was like

close to the son-in-law maybe or just like didn't approve of that whole thing looks bad on the family yeah and he was appalled by it

so in 1889 he cut her out of the will to favour his other children though although he did give her a piece of worthless land in Colorado to keep up appearances, right?

That's all he gave her in the will. I can see where this is going. Turns out Helen's land was rich in mineral deposits and she became far richer than any of her siblings combined. Wow.

So there you go. Don't be a dick to your daughters. How about that? Courtroom questions asked by real lawyers during actual trials. Now, Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,

he doesn't know about it until the morning? They made that up. Again, I want to know where they got these from. They made that up. There's no citations, are there, with any of these? No, none of them. This is just all made-up shit. Were you alone or by yourself?

These all sound like things I fucking said during the history of this podcast. Yeah, that thing about having fingers to touch your face with the other, just earlier. Keep that in. That was pure Ganonism, mate. You say the stairs went down to the basement? Yes.

And these stairs, did they go up as well? That sounds like someone, something someone might say. All right, is that strong enough for us to get out of this segment yet? I'm looking for one of them. Starting to despair slightly.

So the date of contraception was August 8th. Yes. And what were you doing at the time? Fucking, I was, I was, I was, I was, she was biting the wax tampon when I fucking had her. I was spamming beans up the side of her fucking cervix. Spam javelin was being properly chopped. I was flinging bean paste up the cervix wall.

I was coming out of a run-up, and then I was flinging my hot bean soup up the cervix hole, up the cervix chute. I'm slapping a big strawry poultice full of bean paste all up there. Ding, ding. That's the end of the route on this. Everyone off, everybody. It's the end of the line.

All change. That's it. I'm off, driver. I'm sick and tired of this comedy bus route see you next time bye I'm fracking ball pace all round

what do you need to mention you need to mention the live show what do I need to mention I need to mention the live show which is August 13th at the Harrow Arts Centre

tickets at harrowarts.com or you can go to that website via ours thecheapshow.co.uk where there are pages for every episode of Cheap Show accompanied by videos and pictures. It's great.

You can look at all the stuff we play with. We're also on Instagram. We're on Facebook. Twitter, we're most chatty on. So at thecheapshowpod, I'm at Paul Gannon's show, and Eli is... Eli Snoid, spelled E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. And if you missed the

Twitch 7th birthday live stream we did a weekend or so ago now whenever it was both parts are put up in two parts on YouTube on our YouTube channel there's loads of videos there

because it was our birthday week last week released a load of previously patron only videos as a little nice little treat for our birthday so there's lots of stuff on YouTube you

can check us out doing and having a laugh with right there and then. What else? Yeah, the Cheap Show website. Everything's there. It's a one-stop shop. Information about the live show, tickets for the live show, videos, merch, Tony's merch page, events, Cheap Show magazine.

There's one on the way for the live show. It's going to be very good. Oh, yes, I did send off my – did I mention that? I've done a new – my segment, my tat shelf. Yes. I did send off some photos with some text.

Are you? I'm doing a board game. I don't really care for that. I don't care for it. I don't really care for you. I don't care for you. And look, bottom line is,

follow us on Twitter or go to our website. Everything's there. Links to everything is on our website, thecheapster.co.uk or it's in the metadata for this podcast

that you're listening to right now. Did you mention the PO box? The PO box on our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. Or it's in the metadata for this podcast that you're listening to right now. Did you mention the P.O. box? The P.O. box on our website. Again, it's all on the website. And did you mention the Patreon? Thepatreon.com forward slash cheap show. It's all on the website. Thank you very much, patrons, for supporting us.

Thank you very much indeed. And that's it. Let's just go home. My mouth still hurts. I ate the rest of the mayo noodle and that really calmed down the fire. It's a pity you couldn't eat it because you thought it had crab in.

Yeah. You were wrong. I think they were dehydrated carrot sticks. Your noodle was only a part of it. It's a shame because you wouldn't like that. Now you're a part of it. Now you've eaten it. Noodle's gone or down in your tum

it'll come out of your bum it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out

it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out

it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out

it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out

it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out

it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out

it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out

it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll come out it'll remember the lyrics to properly. Fuck off. I'll tell you what. I'm going to fucking make up a song. Give me a subject. And I will not say come around here at any stage in it.

Okay, here's your subject. I'm writing this down, everyone. To end the podcast today, your song has to contain the topic of plumbing. Plumbing. Give me a plumbing song right now. Okay.

Without any coming round or going round to anywhere. Anywhere. I want no directional talk. Are you ready? Yeah. Could you just sort of do a sort of an overture style? La, la, la, la, la, la, la.

La, la, la, la, la, la. Oh, I am the lonely plumber. I'm walking on a street. When's he going to say bummer? When's he going to say bummer? I have a bag of celery and Clark shoes on my feet. I am the lonely plumber. I smell of sewage, no misset and I come round

there we go it's good it's good I come round your house and fix your thrones as in your toilet and I look at all well that's all we've got time for on Cheap Show this week

I smell of cheese and nose and I have gone up to the stairs I am the lonely plumber. I smell of cheese and nose. And I have gone up to the stairs. And it's the potatoes. Right, okay, so that's all we have got time for. I am the lonely... I've been Paul, dying inside Gannon. And that's Eli...

The lonely plumber. Come round here, Silverman. And we'll be back next week for another episode of this godforsaken podcast. See you there. Come round here, Silverman. And we'll be back next week for another episode of this godforsaken podcast. See you there. Come round here. Goodbye. Yes. Do you need to expel wind or anything before we get started?

Expel wind? How dare you? How dare you? You don't know me like that. Fucking press the button. How dare you? Press the button. Stop giving me the bird and press the button. The button has been pressed. Double birded me there as well.

I completely double birded my friend Eli. Hello everybody, I'm Eli Silverman and that's Paul Gannon and this is Cheap Show. It's happening again, Paul. But don't ever fucking talk about my fucking poopies

or woofies or peepee holes ever again before. Your woofy, poopy, pee-pee hole is offensive to mine eyes. Do you have to let off wind anyway, like I'm some kind of fucking child? You do, though. Have you wiped your butt back properly before we drive to nanny's? Do you know what I mean?

I'm a fucking adult. Story, I need to stop you and repeat the phrase back. Do you want to wipe your butt butt before we go to nannies? Properly. That might be the most middle class thing you've said. What? What did you do? You're telling me your mother didn't make sure you had a clean arse before you went round

your nan's? When we went to my grandvow we had fully shitted pants. That's how your nan liked it, was it? We had to drop our pants and spread our cheeks and she went if the chocker's there you can come inside

the fucking chocker again your fucking vocab mate is that what you want anyway I need to fart so can I call back to the yeah the problem is mate

let the call back breathe before so I can react to it let my arse breathe well you don't laugh at anything I say anymore. No, I don't. Make me laugh right now and we'll start the episode. Can't. I don't have it this week.

I'm actually quite under the weather. Here we go. Here's the hot button. Mr. Silverman. I have a cold. A legitimate. Yeah, again, boring. Boring.

Boring. Non-substance induced cold. Boring. This really is like a sitcom, isn't it? We learn a little bit every week, but the start of next week, we're back to square fucking one with your poorly-headed, reeking arsehole.

Why is my arsehole coming up? Why the bum-shaming? Why the shit-shaming? I just digest food like any other person. And then sometimes I have to... Right, good. Well, welcome to Cheap Show. That's our cold open.

Oh, that's the open, is it? Yeah, your dirty crack's wide open. Fucking hell. You've started, you've set the whole tone for this whole thing by saying, do you need to fart?

You love it. I've just opened a knick-knack thing, which I got out of a vending machine. It's got a little egg and it's some kind of squidger. Look at that. Have you seen one of those? It's a mace.

It's like a, it's a finger mace made out of jelly and it's and it's you know like a spiky ball were they maces they were weren't they in medieval time what the spike is going on in my life it's a bouncy what is going on in my life finger brace finger mace finger mouse yeah welcome to no no no no oh welcome to cheap show because i'm tired of this ah you prick what do you mean you prick got me right at the tip of my nose yeah that's where it's meant to that's where the finger mace does the damage