CheapShow - Ep 290: The Boys of Summer

Episode Date: July 15, 2022

It’s a scorching hot day so Paul and Eli decide to skip recording the podcast and take themselves out into the wild to get up to some mischief. In the great tradition of mucking about in the woods, the cheap chaps are trying to recapture those naughty adventures from their youth. They plan to smoke ciggies, drink cheap booze, look for a place to call their “den” and, of course, search for a pile of disregarded porn mags. As with most walkabout episodes, things don’t go according to plan. Along the way they get lost in a cemetery, take abuse from little old ladies, reminisce halcyon days, make toxic cocktails, have a meltdown in Tescos, dangle from trees and make an utter show of themselves. It’s a shameful day out for everyone. Come and join Paul and Eli as they soak up the sun in this Summer Special ramble. See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-290-the-boys-of-summer Tickets for LIVE SHOW on August 13th: Episode 300 Live www.harrowarts.com/whats-on/event/cheapshow-300-live For Information on travel and accommodation for CS300 www.thecheapshow.co.uk/cheapshow-300-show-info And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Oh, and you can NOW listen to Urinevision 2021 on Bandcamp... For Free! Enjoy! www.cheapshowpodcast.bandcamp.com/album/urin…-the-album MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ NEW ART: Get hold of Spunk.Rock’s exclusive new CheapShow Art Work: www.instagram.com/spunk__rock www.redbubble.com/people/spunkrock/shop www.etsy.com/uk/shop/spunkrock

Hey Eli, come here. I'm here. Come here, there's more. Come here. Come here, there's more. Are you Jimmy McCracken? Hello, I'm Jimmy McCracken, the naughty tinker. No, I can't be arsed.

Here we go. So, Eli, come here. Oh, hi, I'm coming here. I'm coming round here. Hey, how about we don't do Cheap Show this week? Why? It's boring, and podcasts are for losers, and we don't want to do that. I want to be cool.

Okay, what are we going to do instead? Do what we used to do when we were bunking off. Bunk off to the woods. All right, and then what? Wank each other off? Yeah, come on then. No. Come on, you've brought it up now.

I've brought more than that up. I'll bring up some spodge. Well, here's the thing. This is a working start, guys. No, no, no, it is working. We're not doing the podcast anyway. No, we're not doing the podcast. We're not really here. No, no, no, it is working. We're not doing the podcast anyway. No, we're not doing the podcast.

We're not really here. No. I am not really here. These editorial conversations are not part of this conceit. Paul, I've come round here. What do you want to do? Not do the podcast, go into the woods, not wank each other off? I mean, I'm still up for wanking you off.

No. So, well, no, let's bunk off in the woods and do all the things we used to do back in the day in the woods. Like what? Like what? Like wank each other off. No, but apart from that. All right, well, drink cheap booze, have some fags, find some porn, make a den, climb a tree.

Swing on a swing? Swing on a swing. We'll try and do a checklist. We'll come up with a checklist of things we used to do in the woods and see if we can recreate them on this, one of the hottest days of the year. Good idea. I don't want to be in the studio recording today. I want to bunk off and do a pod...

Not a pod, a naughty trip in the woods with you. I think conceptually you've got this all really locked in, Paul. All right, so should we get going then? Do what? Do what, mate? I'm going to toss you off. I know. I'm going to toss you off in the woods.

By the way, you mentioned a studio. What fucking studio? What fucking studio? What fucking studio? The Cheap Show studio. The ham and eggs house. The house of ham and eggs and mash. Ooh-da, ooh-da. I want to grab you and make you splash

all over my do-da day. I come round here and whack you off. Do-da, do-da. Cover my chest in grotty spoff. Do-da, doodah day. You know what, it's a bit weird. Wanking in my head. You know what, can I just say.

Rubbing it all in. Can I just say. You've chuffed your spodney on my chest and now I'm covered in gupp. So, just to say that it's a very strange thing, Eli, to be doing that and hopping around and clapping outside a cemetery. Yes. Because people are coming in and out to worship the dead. No one wants to talk, wank talk around the dead.

And meanwhile, there's you going, come in here and chop my glow, do-do, do-do. Glistening chops right through the air. Doodly-doo-dah-day. Right, so we're going to bunk off. We're going to have a naughty boys' day out in the woods today. Why don't you join us? Yeah!

But not you. We don't like you. That one. That one. That one who's listening right now and knows. Do you think this is about you? Do you? Do you?

I bet you think this pod is about you. Do you? And when are we going to tell them about our little escapade in East Finchley? When we get into the woods. Okay. We've got to go through London Cemetery. What have we got to do in the woods so far? Oh, mate, I literally just told you.

We'll bring it up later. Let's just get into the cemetery and get into the woods. I'll bring more than that up. By which I mean, spunk out my dickhole. Spunk out my dickhole. Do you want to say that louder as people are driving into a cemetery? What are they doing in there? You know, they're driving into the cemetery. The worst has already happened.

Me talking about spunk isn't going to make it any worse. We're just talking about... Gran is dead. We're talking about the birth of life in a place where death is. Gran is dead. Me talking about spunk won't bring her back. I don't know. We could try. Welcome, everybody, to

Cheap Show's Naughty Day Out in the Woods, or whatever the fuck this is. I don't know. Thank you. Oh, I'm frightened. Really not frightened. We're in the woods and it's, well, we're kind of still in the graveyard, but we've seen some already, some quite striking sights. It's very overgrown here. We're at the back end, aren't we? We're at the back.

And it's just, I always get this funny lonely feeling when I see graves that no one has visited in years and years and years you know yeah because it's like that's what happens to us all

we get forgotten about and a lot of people don't even get gravestones people who are cremated generally get scattered don't they and then you don't have a stone so

it's even quicker for you to just completely enter the void of non-being. Happy days are here again. Now listen, also, Paul, I know I mentioned it on the video, but this graveyard, I think it's Islington and St Pancras Cemetery, I've seen from the North Circular so many times when I've been on buses or in cars, mainly buses or cars, vehicles of some sort, Paul. And I've thought, what or in cars or mainly buses or cars. Vehicles of some sort, Paul.

Some sort, yes. Some sort, Paul. And I've thought, what's that graveyard like? What's that huge graveyard? Because you know when you're going along the motorway, the North Circle is essentially a motorway. Yeah. You go along and you're going at quite some speed

and this fucking graveyard lasts. Whizzes by. It doesn't whiz by is what I'm saying. It lasts for a few minutes. Yeah. It's a big old place. This feels like its own little town. You know, when you walk around the pass

and it's got their own little roots and things. I mean, right now we've gone to the back end and we thought, oh, there's not much here, but there's still graves, even though it's all overgrown and there's trees coming out of the ground and a few little... What was that big mausoleum we saw for the... Mond.

Mond family. Yeah, it was, like, big. It's bigger than any house I've ever lived saw for the Mond family. Yeah, it was like big. It's bigger than any house I've ever lived in. And it's for dead people to rot. Yeah. Now, all right. All right. Now, Paul, the other thing to mention is if there was some kind of zombie,

if somehow... The dead rose from the grave. If there was some kind of weird science that we didn't know about and all of the dead started to rise, you wouldn't want to be around here. I reckon here would be alright

because I reckon most of the bodies would be almost composed to the point of pointlessness. Decomposed to the point of pointlessness? Decomposed to the point of pointlessness.

And meanwhile, the fresher graves over there... You wouldn't want a bloody skull gnashing at you. You wouldn't want a skull gnashing at you from out the ground, would you?

I think there's got to be more chance of me kicking a skeleton to bits than there is a freshly buried man Yes but by the Mond crypt there was a bunch of fresh ones. Salty fresh ones. They'd probably have a lot of musculature and they'd be able to run after you. But then people don't... wouldn't the rigor mortis set in? Although that doesn't last all that long though does it? Rigor mortis is like... you're stiff for a bit then you go limp last all that long though does it rigor mortis it's like it's rigor mortis you're stiff for a bit and then you go limp yeah then you turn to mush that sounds like me on a saturday night

so what's the plan well the plan is to get out of the cemetery park cold fall wood which is just over in that direction but we've got to go over this way it is i am very confident if we just walk around the loot we'll get there and we can investigate this place as we go. Look, we have to climb over this. That's exciting. Oh, ah, me fucking gooch. Are you okay?

What happened? I don't know. Something... That's too low for your gooch. I know. What happened? I don't know. Something went up your gooch.

What went up your gooch? Maybe I snapped the twig off it or something. Must have. Oh, that went right your gooch. What went up your gooch? Maybe I snapped a twig off it or something. Must have. Oh, that went right in the captain's eye. Really? I must have snapped it off with my anus. Must have, yeah.

What the fuck? It got me. It didn't get me. There's nothing there. Mate, have I just been attacked by a pervy ghost? Yes, probably. They don't like you disrespecting them. I'm not disrespecting them. Because you're getting the direction of cold, full wood.

Look at that grave with a hole in it because of weathering and time. Put your head through that. It'll be like on the pier. Should I go round and put my head through? Yeah, I'll take a picture. Paul, stop being disrespectful. Put your head... Wait, I need your phone.

I'll take a picture because my phone's in the bag. I'm making a video with this. Hang on, I'm going to take the picture now. Here we go. Kiss me quick. There you go. bag and making a video with this hang on i'm gonna take the picture now here we go you look good so our naughty boys in the woods i guess if i was a naughty boy back in the day i probably would have done this as well muck about in the gravestones let's pick a grave to wank on. I will not be doing that today, Paul. I saw that Herbert Lyons died aged 46 in 1910.

He could do with a splash of love. No, he couldn't. That might start the zombie apocalypse if he splashed one of these graves. Do you think that would happen? Maybe, because I've got super sperm. Have I told you that? Why is it super? It's supernaturally powerful. It can impregnate inanimate objects.

It can swim through the ground. So what, if you had sex with a corpse? It makes the core of the earth. I've impregnated the core of the earth with my super sperms. I don't like the sound of that at all. Oh, that's spooky. It's like a big gravestone with a hooded thing on the top. What is it meant to be?

Do you think it's broken off or something? No, it looks like that's what it big gravestone with like a hooded thing on the top what is it meant to be do you think it's broken off or something no it looks like that's what it is take a photo of that alright Charlotte Lapier Lapier

Lapier and Mary Titty what's that what's it say Tittery stop man they're going to get angry Titterall

Titford the Titford family and Charlotte Lapier I'm going to hell. The Scarlet Labia? Yeah, I am the Scarlet Labia. I don't know what that is. Is it an urn?

Is it meant to be an urn? No, it looks like a cloaked figure or something. Very weird. And there's some Latin. Suscipa et finia. No, you're going to raise... You will raise the dead. It's probably a spell.

Clartu barata nictu. We're going the wrong way for this. We're not. Look, see the path goes over that way. There's a fence. I reckon that's where the woods are. Church in state. Well, there's no way through.

Not there, yeah, but I'm saying we can go round. Round where? Come round here. See, there's a wood here. not there yeah but I'm saying we can go round round where come around here see there's a there's a wood here oh there's a hole in the fence proof positive that this is a common I'm gonna what I'm gonna step through action shot and now we're in the wood yeah Are we now in Coldpool Wood, you're sure? Yeah, definitely. Well, we need to have a sit down and have a little smoke and a drink. Yes, and come up with our plan for naughty boy action. Yes.

I know what you're thinking, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Mr and Mrs, ladies and gentlemen. Which one's going to get their cock out and give it a good old bashing? This is lovely. Where are we? This is nice. This is like an old rail line. I mean, should we go up that way?

I mean, we could do. Oh, there's someone sitting over there. A lady enjoying peace and quiet, so we can't wank you off there, so I'll find somewhere else. Where can I wank you off, mate? You cannot wank me off. Come on, there's got to be somewhere. I'll think of somewhere, and I'll take you to Pleasure Town. In your dreams.

In your very, very fervent dreams. You know what I had a dream about the other day? Go on. I left all my records on the bus at St John's Wood, and then the bus went off, and I thought, shit, all my records are going to get nicked. And then I woke up, and I was like, oh, thank God. Can I tell you what I dreamt about the other day?

Being going to a posh restaurant, and they sold me a plate full of dicks. Are you shitting me? No. That does sound like a dream you'd have. Just a big plate of dicks. You're like, oh, boom, boom. No.

Oh, thank you very much. I kicked the fuss off, and then I was told in the dream that I was being uncivilised because that's how they eat it in France. So, I don't know. Well, you've one-upped me there on the dream stage. Yeah, anyway. Look, there's loads of wood here. you've one-upped me there on the dream stage. Yeah, anyway. Look, there's loads of wood here. It's a great place to start and investigate.

Beautiful wood. It's got a real ancient vibe to it, doesn't it? Do you know what I mean? Yeah. So, let's take a break. Let's have a quick refresh and get our heads together. We need to find somewhere to sit down. Find somewhere to sit down.

If we go up this path a bit further, there'll be another bench. All right. Because I think if we go up that way, that's close to the exit. Okay. So, we'll go up that way. We'll find somewhere to sit. We'll come up with a plan of action a checklist of things to do and on naughty boys day out and uh we'll figure out the rest all right job done kushti it's not done yet where do you want to go didn't you ever used to show people yours in

in the woods oh this is what this is about is this what this was about this was a pretext no more comments is this what this was about this was a pretext no more comments right so here we are in a cold fall wood is it this one yes what do you think was cold and fell a yeti yetis are actually warm-blooded though paul sorry to correct you on that but they're cold they live in cold places doesn't matter they're warm it'll be called warm fall well it's probably called cold fall because it was named after a man called Lord Alfred Cold Fall who once ate the only apple in this wood and became Lord of fucking the woods.

And then he went, Oh, you're so good, Mr. Lord for Cold Fall. I'm going to name this wood after you. And he went, Thanks. Another 20 seconds of your life brought to you by Paul Gannon. I've got more. Here we go. It's called Cold Fall Wood because there was a Bond film, a Bond book,

a lost Bond book called Cold Fall. And it was about a bad guy, right, who was obsessed with ice or the cold, right? And he fell over. No, he liked to freeze people and push them until they fell down the hill. How about that? Is that better this is based on a lost ian fleming novel that because it was so poor that he didn't release it and they named the wood after it anyway we're in the wood right now sitting on a bench and this is lovely what a lovely day it is there's uh sun in the sky it's 28 degrees according to my watch

uh eli is what are you searching for he's looking up cold for wood that's a bit of nice thing so we're going to make a plan now of what naughty boys in the wood get up to ancient woodland in marswell hill we're in apparently around the back of 14 hectares yeah surrounded by st pancras and islington cemetery so the cemetery goes all the way around this apparently east finchley Public Allotments over there. Yeah. Let's have a little look at the history.

See why it's called Coldfall shall we? Four ancient woods in the London Borough. I've got to knock shit over. There's four ancient woods Paul in the

London Borough of Haringey. Yeah. That's where I live. Yeah. Highgatewood. We've been there. Yeah.

Queenswood. Also been there because it's connected to Highgatewood. Highgate. Coldfall Wood. Yeah. That's where we are. And Bluebellwood. I don't know Bluebellwood. All four are shown on John Rook's 1754 map. 191754 map? What the fuck? You're going to edit that, shut up. No, I'm not now. All are shown, paul on john roke's 1754 map of middlesex because there's the ancient um county of middlesex which was completely destroyed yeah we've covered that

before as well until the early 20th century cold fall wood was more than twice its current size it's still pretty fucking big isn't it pretty big reaching south to the properties boarding fortis green why is it called cold fall wood i'm getting there you're not getting there fast enough It's still pretty fucking big, isn't it? It's pretty big. Reaching south to the properties boarding Fortis Green. Why is it called Cold Fall Wood? I'm getting there. You're not getting there fast enough. The southern section was felled and partially excavated for gravel before being used for residential development

in the sites of Tollington and William Grimshaw Schools, later Fortismere School. Yeah, that's the one we passed on the way in. Ah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Not a very, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Very good written article, is it, on Wikipedia? Usually a bit more informative. They do think they're of primary origin, i.e. continuously present since prehistoric times. Wow. Isn't that amazing? There was a wood here since before human history began. Ooh, in March 2011, the Friends of Coldfall Wood launched an online interactive map,

including historical maps of the era overlaid on a modern street map showing how the wood has dwindled in size since 1864. Mate. 16, 1864. Why is it called Coldfall Wood? It doesn't say. Right, so, good.

It doesn't say that there used to be a village of Coldfall, the town of Coldfall. It doesn't say anything about why it's called Coldfall. There's no etymology for the term Coldfall. Nothing. No. No. No.

Great stuff. Right, well, we've learned something. We're going to talk about the charity shops now. Yeah, go for it. Go on. So we went for a few charity shops in East Finchley on the way in. Now, we've been to these before, if you remember the Tatons episodes, the two-parter from a few years ago.

So we're not going to cover the bases too much but we just popped in for a little look-see and I picked up a vinyl fine but the first shop we went into the first charity shop which I think was a pet charity RSPCA That was the first we went into. It's Friends

of the Pets or something. Friends of Pets Yeah. Animal lovers Yeah I Fuck Dogs it was called I Fuck Dogs charity shop Friends of the pets or something. Friends of pets. Yeah. Animal lovers. Yeah. I fuck dogs, it was called. I fuck dogs charity shop. Next door to I rim cats. So we went in, right, and I wanted a little badge.

It was a little friend's badge, which I thought was cool. Yeah, I want that. It's a little friend's badge that says, and it's like a facsimile name badge that you'd get if you worked in a place. Walmart or whatever. Yeah, and it says, Hello, my name is Regina Phalange, which must be an episode. It was a character one of them came up with. I can't remember who it was now,

but it was a fake pseudonym for whatever reason. And are we meant to find it funny because it reminds me of Quim, of the words for Quim. Phalange is Quim, and so is vagina. Vagina pussy. Can I just say, that is the height

of your creative... I think you've reached the zenith of your creativity there. Hang on. What you just said. Pussy, pussy. I just think,

because it's so hot, I'm just like saying whatever guttural utterances roll out of my mouth. What about this? Fattata patuti. That's brilliant. It's not, though.

I like vagina flangey or whatever it is. But that was Men of Beast's part of the humour. Now, this is mint on card, Paul, and I think you can't argue with that this time because it's on a card and it's mint and it's in a nice little presentation friend's case. Two quid. And it's only for people six years plus because of the sharp pin it's a nice thing

that yeah it's a lovely little badge that's going on my pin board collection and from that same shop i got a record which might feature which looks like a child's record called wonderland on one side it's got animals of farmer jones the farmer's dump truck which is his nuts euphemism for taking a shit in the woods offloading your your load up a cow's backside um or little pig poker which is where you wine and dine a pig before having consensual sex in its mouth with it consensual sex in its mouth with it. Great. No, lovely stuff. And on the... On the other side is the Little White Duck. Little White Duck. Do you know that one?

No, I just made that up. And a song called, apparently, The Chicken or the Egg. Oh, what came first? Right. So, we went in and there was a lady there and she was kind of... So, the other thing I bought... Oh, mate, the anecdote about the woman.

All right, well, this is... I've got a lovely mirrored copper and mirror display case thing. Now, I reckon that would have been for jewellery, or it would have been for make-up or something. What am I, Mark? Probably a little trinket tray, though. It's a nice jewellery tray. Yeah.

But you know what would be good in there? My little figures and stuff. I like the mirrored background. It gives it a bit of depth. It'd look nice with a few little trinkets in. It's a good thing. It's from Primark originally. So anyway, we went into this charity shop

and the lady was fine, but she was, I don't know if it was grumpy or she was just surly. They always have been in there. We've been in that one. Certain charity shops, if you notice this, Paul, have a certain character to the staff. And it doesn't matter which particular staff member it is there's a sort of

work culture that goes along and some are quite angry and others are you know what i mean friendly i think it's people because they're often like elder elderly people who have retired yeah and they used to have jobs where they you know managed people or they boss people around or and they seem to sort of make the charity shops their little fiefdom do you know what i mean they do it and they don't take any shit from anyone in there and this woman wasn't taking any shit right so we get that badge and the little vinyl and it comes to what two quid so i went card and she went no only five or more for a card all right well we'll have to get some cash out so we went out for a long walk to get some cash out came back with 10 pound handed her 10 pounds we don't have any change and i was like

right so then she sends you out with a 20 to get change which you to be fair tried and couldn't get in two separate places and got dirty looks from people once they realized they only wanted change and not to purchase you know an overpriced soft drink from their shithole. And by this time, Eli's already picked out the little tray, so it's come to a fiver, but we hadn't twigged that we could just fucking get this over and done with. I twigged on the walk back from the second shop.

Yeah. Meanwhile, I'm sitting here making the most awkward small talk with the two ladies there because there was a grumpy one who was like just saying, so she goes, she goes, oh, it's a hot day.

And I was like, yeah, I've got some, and I couldn't think of the words, was that, you know uh spray so i don't get a tan she goes oh you don't need spray tan on a day like this and i was like no it's a uv thing she goes uv you know you squirt it meanwhile the little we popped into costa to get like a coffee and whatever and i have a nice latte and the little old lady at the back who was on her own trying to get a dog to feed out of her hands and the dog was not doing it gentle gentle dog was trying to bite her fingers off and she could be that she was getting the dog to try and fucking she wasn't the old fucking peanut butter trick she wasn't getting that dog to in the labias she wasn't sugaring the labia. Right, so,

she, all of a sudden, she, all of a sudden, out of the sitting there, all of a sudden, she pipes up and goes, that's a pretty cafe latte. And I turned around and went, oh, it's just a Costa.

And she went, what? I went, it's just a Costa. He goes, no, I don't know what you mean. I was like, what are you talking about then? And she just started talking to the dog again. I think, oh, this is a madhouse. Gentle, gentle. She was like that, wasn, this is a madhouse. Gentle, gentle.

She was like that, wasn't she? No, not too hard, gentle. So then we, then we just, then Eli goes, oh, you could just use your car. And I was like, great. I walked back in and I hand, because she's given me 20. Yeah. Very trusting as well as grumpy. Yeah.

Because I could have just bought two rocks of crack. Do you know what she said? So I went, oh, he's not going to run off with it, love, don't worry. And she went, oh, I don't think he's in good enough shape to run off with it. What? Yeah, right? What? And I had to stand up for you for the first time ever about your girth and size and weight.

And say, oh, no, he's a bit more agile than you think. And she went, I don't think so. Are you shitting me? Let's go back there. The fucking, how dare she? I'm really insecure about my fitness at the moment as well I know but she was like

oh he's not going to run off with it fuck her man so anyway we went there is that true yeah no no

that was definitely true you know when I was on the walk up and I was like I'll save this for the thing that's what I was saving this little aside how dare she

was I out of breath when I came back in the shop no fuck off anyway so that's really pissed me off actually paul so anyway we left that we left we left that and uh it was just like for our first experience of a charity shop it's like there's a lot going on that we weren't particularly fond of so anyway so now we're in the woods uh and what else did you pick up uh then we went to uh all aboard um so you got that and what else just a few vinyl right and that was it no i got that i got a jilted john vinyl as well i got that little because i like jilted john it's hard to find on vinyl i've got the cd but what you're looking for

my little metal cash register oh yeah for? My little metal cash register. Oh, yeah, you've got a little metal cash register. We'll have to take pictures of these. We need to remember to take pictures. And we've also got knee pads for his skating. See, I'm active skating and I do things. Yeah, a set of knee, triple pad set it is, Paul. Knee, elbow and wrist.

I won't be using the wrist. I'll be using the wrist for me i'll tell you i'll need a wrist support after i finish with you in the woods only three quid for the full set the sap out of you i'll sap you dry i'll make eli honey with your sap thank you pablo honey nah eli honey what's pablo honey it's the album my radio head Pablo, honey. Nah, Eli, honey. What's Pablo, honey? It's that album by Radiohead.

Da-da-da-da-da-da. That's not a joke. It is now. Because I've done da-da-da-da-da-da. I found the cash register. Now, this is a little, what is it? A die cast. Two inch tall copper register. It's really quite ornate.

Oh, it's a pencil sharpener. Oh, it's a pencil sharpener. That's how the drawer opens, so you can empty the shavings out. The shavings out of the drawer, Paul. It's all right, isn't it? It's a nice thing. It's got a little handle. Do you reckon that handle used to turn the blade, or is it just a little...

It doesn't seem to be. It doesn't do anything now, that's for sure. No, because you have to turn the pencil. Yeah, that's true. Well, maybe it did. No, I don't know if it did. It looks like it's separately added onto the side. But it's nice.

It's all there. Lovely. I think it's a lovely little thing. It is a lovely little thing. We've had a little lovely thing day. So, right, let's take a quick break, and then we'll come back and we'll make our plan for the rest of our wood adventure,

because I've got lots of things I want to do with you in the wood today. Has anything else happened? Went to another charity shop, went to another one. It was both fine. Nothing really remarkable happened there. A little update from last week's episode paul if you know the poo-poo man song yeah the mike marvan was the the folk singer open university thing yeah the open university how to make up songs for your kid as if anyone needed that and it was so lame to come

think of it anyway anyway someone on twitter commented that they knew that guy and he was quite full of himself at dinner parties and he also never mentioned that he had a child called lucy so maybe lucy was created just for that record i have got a dream child i keep in my head called lucy and lucy unfortunately died in the womb so i've always been a bit resentful to my wife so now at night when my wife is trying to sleep i go lucy lucy's coming lucy i love lucy and my wife she left me she did she left anyway i just wanted to update and apparently he's in cambridge and uh uh still still out and about the open university uh was based in Milton Keynes. Right, well, good. Anyway, so let's take a little break and we're going to come back.

Mate, can we just finish this segment off? It's already long. Did you know, Paul, the Open University is the most attended university in Britain? In the world, he said. Eli just said factually in the world. So, right, we're going to take a little break. We're going to reboot and we're going to get ready for our investigation. Naughty boys, we don't care about your records.

We've got Roger Whittaker sings Google Eyes and Nasty Spider. I have a case of... And this big dragon that seems to be eating one of his bogeys on the cover. No, he's thinking. He's thinking. Look, his nostrils right there. He's taking a flaming bogey out and he's gone... He's thinking.

Spicy flaming bogey. What else have you got on board? You read... I got jilted, John. I've bought something called Wheels by The Stringalongs. It's an instrumental. That's interesting, isn't it? Yeah.

Because we were talking about instrumentals last week. Yeah. This is right in the middle of the instrumental craze, 1960. Am I asking too much? The Stringalongs. And last but not least... The Stringalongs. Christ. Last but not least, the string-alongs. Christ.

Last one I'll leave, the same thing. Right, okay, cool. Can we now take a quick break? Fucking hell, mate. I'm just broadcasting here. I'm just making a maverick broadcast. I'm making a fucking outdoor maverick broadcast. You've got sweat, salt rashes coming up.

You know when you sweat too much and the salt comes to your skin, it leaves little rivulets. So on your black shirt now, you look like a marble tabletop. I look like I've been using my T-shirt to fish for shrimps and king prawns. Which is, funnily enough, exactly the way my underpants look

for the exact same reason. Right, see you in a bit everyone. Bye. So anyway, we're making a little plan now of all the things we're going to do in the wood now before we go any further eli would like to talk about his old man hat he bought which makes him old looking i bought an old man hat that makes me old looking similar to the other one that i wore on the um i'm going to call it your tompy hat it is it's another tompy hat but i don't just pick these hats up because there's a lot of facsimile hats yeah that were

made cheaply and sort of in places like budget places like primark is that proper tweed yeah look you can see it's got the wool mark it's proper wool so it's nice it's got some quality to it and it's got a lining a red sort of felt style lining looks like they're opening to a warm warm place doesn't it that red lining the inside of the hat looks like a sort of bucket vag. I reckon you could fuck that hat. Cocker hat. Yeah, well, I've got the girth for it. You just knob it up, knob and a knob in there.

I'm glad this is what this has become. It's like throwing a battery in the bath. It's just useless. Nothing doing. Shut up. Also, do you know last week we talked about why maybe that song Nut Rocker was popular On Spotify

My Big Mama's house we said Well, a friend of the show Naomi She said that basically Greg James, Radio 1 presenter Would end his week of shows With that piece of music on Radio 1 And people would sing over it to say It's like, my name is John

And this is the weekend This is John, and this is the weekend. This is John and this is the end of the show. It's just something like that. What era would that be? I want to say like late 90s, early 2000s. Okay, so that's it. That's where people know it from, isn't it? I mean, maybe.

Maybe that's another place, as she pointed out. So I thought I'd mention it. Right, we're in the woods. Naughty boys. Wait, what did you... I'm going to get my pen out. I'm making a list. Come round here, are you like...

Okay. Right, so, woods. Right, writing it down. Woods. Next. Hat. I better fucking beat her in a fucking race. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, of course you would. She's an old lady. Fucking hell. How dare she? She's going to never let that go. The attitude coming off her. Never going to let that go. You never let it go. I's going to never let that go. The attitude coming off her. Never going to let that go. You never let it go.

I'm going to go in there again and go, I'll get you some change, love. She'll be, oh, please, would you? And then I'll fucking run off and buy crack cocaine with it. And then I'll get my jogging pants on and be smoking a crack pipe running around outside going, come on then, love. Cup these.

Put these in your Mr. Men cup. I don't know if that's quite the right response. I would just go back and say, how dare you, madam? How dare you? I'm an upstanding citizen of this country, and I don't deserve to have a slur like that thrown at me behind my back. When I'm trying to help. Yeah.

You, to do your job. I know you're a volunteer and everything, but come on. Hello, fatty. Go get me some changes, cunt. You know what I mean? Anyway, what do we job. I know you're a volunteer and everything, but come on. Hello, fatty. Go get me some changes, cunt. You know what I mean? Anyway, what do we do in the woods? What do you do in the woods? When I was a kid...

You've written the word hat there. I've written the hat down. Shall we discuss that again? Hat's done. Do a tick by hat, then. Tick. Hat. I've hatted the tick.

You've scored a hat tick. I'm also going to tick the woods, because we're in the woods. You've scored a hat tick. Hey! Oh! Oh! Oh! I think there's a laugh coming.

Is it coming? Oh. It's a joy. Nice work. So, right, my memory of going in the woods. Oh, here we go. So here we go. I would say, first one, drinking cheap booze.

So booze, cheap booze. Now, for me, it was like Diamond White. So we've got a can of that. We've got a can of that we've got a can of something not called diamond white but it's called diamond shine diamond shine cider it's called white diamond is it even no maybe we'll find out later when we drink it because we're going to find a spot to have a drink white but it's one of those diamond is diamond code word for cheap strong cider i guess it is i guess it kind of is it's one of the it's like red bull

and all the knockoffs that were like Blue Rat and Pink Armadillo. Whatever. Black Stallion. That's a different thing. Altogether. So we've got a tin of the Diamond White or whatever. And you've got a what? What about Orange Whale?

Orange Blue Whale? No, that would be blue. Orange Tusk. Tusk, the Mighty Tusk. I've got one. Purple panther. Nice. Get us into the purple panther.

Get us into the PP, mate. Pop in and get a PP for us. Isn't purple panther the eau de cologne from Anchorman? Actually, you know what I'm thinking about? I think I've just changed the word pink from purple for pink panther. Yes, you have. All right, purple pigeon. Get us a purple pigeon.

No, but pigeon isn't powerful. Purple peccadillo. Purple pelican. All of these aren't very robust animals. I'll get my purple pelican out. I don't even know what that means. So I got the diamond wine. What booze did you pick up?

Oh, today I picked up a can of, is it special brew? Carling, is it? Special brew? Yeah, special brew. Now, that was because they didn't have any. My actual one from my childhood that I drank in the woods

with people was Tenant Super. Yeah. Which is like a 14% ABV lager, I'm quoting. Well, we would get... Which is actually

one of the worst tastes. I can actually still remember the taste of it to this day. It is... Very sweet, malty, hoppy. It's fucking horrible. Horrible.

And I think this probably tastes similar. And it's going to be warm. This will have to stand in for the Tenant Super, thety, hoppy. It's fucking horrible. Horrible. And I think this probably tastes similar. And it's going to be warm. This will have to stand in for the Tenant Super, the Carling special brew. But it's proper tramp stuff, special brew, isn't it? I remember when we bought Diamond White, whatever the fuck we called it back in the day,

it was in those great big fucking massive Coca-Cola-style plastic bottles of it. The five-litre ones. That you had to carry around in a backpack because it was that heavy. And you always go to the same spot. a backpack because it was that heavy and you always go to the same spot and you knew it was

the same spot for drinking because other people's remnants of their drinking nights were there as well so it was like a big mound of

tins of booze and I was like 14, 15 when we used to go to the woods behind the Cadbury's factory and that's where we got up to

Romps I'd love to visit that again you know Paul Bourneville is that nearby? No. Oh, it's not?

No, the Cadbury's, it's complicated, but the Cadbury's factory in the Wirral was mostly in charge of the Cadbury's biscuits and things like that. And they made cream eggs as well and fingers, whereas the Cadbury's factory in Birmingham made everything else. Is that where Bourneville is, near Birmingham?

Okay, sorry, confused. Because I saw some photos. I'd quite like to visit Bourneville because it's quite funny, toy town, weird. No, I've passed through it. It's a bit depressing. Oh, really? And the most interesting thing there is the Cadbury's factory,

and that also in itself does not look that fascinating. Okay, fine. Another booze that I remember drinking and getting sick on when I was a child in some woods, when I was at boarding school, there was this place called the CPO, the Corner Post Office. Right. Behind the Corner Post Office was this wood but not not huge but it was significant you could get in there

you know and do you do your stuff hide in there i've got distinct memories of that wood it's in my brain now it's weird i haven't been there in literally 30 years anyway um more anyway um longer than 30 years shut up get on with Anyway. Longer than 30 years. Shut up. Get on with it. It's not fucking this is your life. So I remember getting really sick once. What we had was Gordon's gin.

Yeah. Yeah. A bottle of Gordon's and then we were smoking hash. Terrible hennaed hash that you used to get in the Black Squirrel pub. Oh. You used to go down the Black Squirrel pub and get totally ripped off by some guy, you know, because you were a kid or whatever. You used to get, just accept anything.

And all we had were those licorice, imagine this. Rapid papers. Licorice papers and horrible hash full of chemicals and like Benson and Hedges or whatever that we broke into them. And we drank the bottle and we smoked a huge, big licorice paper hashish joint

and we were sick as dogs. Sick as dogs. Mate, that's rough. Mate, do they even sell licorice paper anymore? joint. And we were sick as dogs. Sick as dogs. Mate, that's rough. Mate, do they even sell licorice paper anymore? Do they still do it? That brown smoking papers? I don't know, because they banned menthol cigarettes, didn't they? For health reasons.

Yeah, but like, because it was like a brown, like a thick brown paper, wasn't it? It was licorice flavoured rolling paper. Why would anyone like that? Some people do. Pricks. Right, so we'll put smoking down, and we've already done some smoking, Rolling paper. Why would anyone like that? Some people do. Pricks. Right, so we'll put smoking down, and we've already done some smoking, so tickety-tickety-tick on that one.

The other thing, I just want to mention one other booze. Yeah. We bought a bottle of Sweet Vermouth Martini Rossi, which is the brown one that tastes of soy sauce. We got so sick on that as well. Mr. Rossi, what you want? Go to the disco in the woods. You drink, you drink, you spew, you come. What's that movie?

Do you remember that song? Mr. Rossi, what you want? No. Where was it from? Was it at the end of Pink Panther's TV series? I know that was something else. Well, now you've met the Pink Panther. I love that song.

And it's as plain as your nose. He's the one and only, truly original, Panther Pink from head to toe. But it goes Panther Pink from head to, Panther Pink from head to. That was the end, yeah. Panther Pink Panther from head to toe. He used to drive off in his car. Why does no one talk about the Pink Panther car anymore? Batmobile, Ecto-1, DeLorean.

No one talks about the fucking Pink Panther mobile. Remember, he used to drive off at the end. Pink Panther's lost his grip on pop culture, man. He was a 60s boy, you know what I mean? No, I do have a disco version of the theme. Nice. Have we not covered that on the podcast before? What did you just look at there?

It's like you caught the eye of something, and then I turned around and there was nothing there. You've made me paranoid. I'm just looking at that guy. That guy. You know who he looked like? Tarzan boy. I don't even remember him,

so I'm going to take your word for it. Get fresh with the music on the dance floor. It was like that. It was a remix of Tarzan boy by the group who did the remix of Kung Fu Fighting. Because it's a bit similar, the refrain in Kung Fu Fighting, isn't it? it's a bit similar, the refrain in kung fu fighting, isn't it? It's a bit similar to...

Isn't it? They just went, what other fucking thing can we rip off? Well, didn't they also do D-I-S-C-O? Yes. D-I-S, which is just first words. My first word was disco. Was it disco or D-I-S-C-O?

I used to go D-I-S-C-O, disco, and clip my fingers. Or try to, yeah, as a baby. You were a funky baby. I was baby. See, she is D, delicious. C is I, indescribable. C is S, I just said indescribable. She is C, I just said indescribable.

She is all indescribable. What was the other one that that band Otterwan did? Fuck knows. They did another one. Great. Otterman. What are the other one that band Otterwan did? Fuck knows. They did another one. Great. Otterman. What were they called? Otterman.

Fuck Paul. That squirrel has just farted. That squirrel that looks a lot like you just farted. It's weird. It's a squirrel with my face and it's farted. It's a Fortean wood.

It's all weird. There is a squirrel over there yeah but i don't yeah i don't think he did i think he's got to complain actually looks like it's coming over to complain excuse me mate this is my wood right come on what else we've got what else we've got we've got so we do smoke so things do in the wood swing we need to look for a swing and swing on it right two porn we need to find paper porn i mean in this day and age it's not going to happen but we're going to keep an eye out exist anymore anywhere failing that we'll just get our phones out and we'll have a shifty paul you can't even buy a single porn mag if you go into those

sort of convenience stores or whatever now yeah sometimes they do have porn on the top shelf but it's all like in a pack with a dvd and three mags all like cellophane up not that i'd know excellent value it shows to have bad the market is that they have to try and sell you a load at once you know it's like kids magazines have loads of toys on the front to make people buy the magazine similar yeah so the porn industry and the child magazine industry both have similar marketing tactics put a load of free things in a plastic bag on the front of it and make people buy it. So, like, pawn swing. We need to find a place that could be a den.

Oh, there's... Mate, if we get out of Coldfall Wood into Coppits Wood, another... That's where we're going later. Which is another little remnant of ancient woodland. Yeah. On the other side of the North Circular. Yeah. That used to be a... Until the 60s was a sewage works.

And there's these weird square sort of holes in the ground. Yeah. So that could be a den. Yeah, we'll have a look for that. And then that's it, really. I can't think of anything else you used to do. Have fights, play games. Like, on Twitter, I asked a bunch of people what they used to do in the ward.

And it was all like, finger me girlfriend, watch porn. A lot of people set fires, which is troubling. Did you ever set a fire? I never did. I once put little holes with fire in all of the lentil bags in the kitchen and was very strictly reprimanded for that. That's not in the woods, though, is it? We had a very woody kitchen.

It had a wooden top. It was all very sort of wood-based. Why don't you just go and fart somewhere and add better content than that anecdote? Although I'm going to call it not an anecdote, that's an antidote. Oh, an antidote. There you go. Oh, there you go. Also, what I found in the graveyard. Oh, a little red tassel in the shape of a heart.

Is it a tassel? Mate, just a thought before you take it home. That was on someone's grave. Yes. It was attached to an inflatable balloon saying, I love you, mummy. And you've just put it in your pocket. Well, it was on the ground.

No one's using it. No, that's because the balloon... It wasn't on a grave. I just want to make this clear to everyone. You stole from a gravesite. I did not steal this from a gravesite. Yeah, you did. Right, so...

Also, Paul, I mean, we're a bit further away from the graveyard here, but imagine there wasn't a zombie apocalypse now. They'd all be coming from every direction. No, they wouldn't because there's a big fence. I don't think they'd get through. It's surrounded by the graveyard surrounded well we're probably there's probably something dead below our feet right now right so let's i reckon we should get going we need to find a spot to drink so we need to find a spot in this wood where we can have a little quiet drink

well let's find the edge of the wood then all right we're going to go find the edge of the wood that's exciting find a way out of the wood well the way out's all that way isn't it we're going to go that way way out and the north so no that's not the north we need to go find the edge of the wood. That's exciting. We need to find a way out of the wood. Well, the way out's all that way, isn't it? We're going to go that way. Find a way out and the north. No, that's not the north. We need to go that way. Well, let's look at the map. I think you've...

No, we came in for the wood that way. The main road, the North Circular is that direction. I know for a fact the North Circular is in that direction. I think I can hear it over there, actually. Yeah. Because remember, we were heading up that way. We came through the cemetery that way. Why do I feel like it's there?

I don't know, but it's definitely not. Well, we've got to check on the map anyway. Yeah, we're, we were heading up that way. We came through the cemetery that way. Why do I feel like it's there? I don't know, but it's definitely not. Well, we're going to check on the map anyway. Yeah, we're going to check on the map because we're walking and we're in Cold Fall where it's wonderful and we're walking

and we're going to do some talking. So join us. Oh, God, mate, stop me. This is bad. I'm bad. Tell me I didn't talk too much. Yeah, but this is different. This is different. You should see me struggling. Do you want me to sign off this bit? You This is bad. I'm bad. You're telling me I interact too much. Yeah, but this is different. This is different.

You should see me struggling. Do you want me to sign off this bit? You sign this off because I'm struggling. I can't get out of this. Thanks, everyone, for listening. I hope you're enjoying this little adventure me and Paul are on in the woods. Ancient woodland of Finchley.

See you soon. Oh, I'll take it. I'm just going to fart again. No! Right, we've left the wood and come in, open up to some open ground, sports field. It's very rough, but there's a few goalposts.

I think there's tennis at the far end. Maybe basketball, I don't know. We're just heading towards a bin, but we're out in the middle of the field. It's fucking boiling today. What a lovely day for naughty antics. It is extremely peaceful around here. We've seen very few other people.

That's what I mean about it being the suburbs. Compared to somewhere like Hampstead Heath, it would be teeming with people. But there's so much of this. This beautiful countryside, basically, in London. You're right. Yeah, because look, there's a row of houses right there. So there's going on to a street.

There's a school over there on the main road. You are right about London. You can go for half an hour and be in some really beautiful natural surroundings, can't you? Or at least a lovely little parklet away from the cut and thrust. So, Iglise is going to put our trash in the bin and then we're going to find a place for... Oh, look at this. What do you think that is? Do you reckon that's a sewerage or water pipe? Yeah, it's part of the old sewerage works.

That's a well, isn't it? Well. Someone don't want to be coming in there. No, you don't want to come around here. Maybe there's a monster in there. Maybe there's the coppet wood... The coppet wood door. The tickler.

The coppet wood tickler. What does he do? He comes out in the middle of the night. And then wanks you off. Does he? I'll open it up then. Hey, no, he comes out and he tickles you to death. It's a weird death.

It's unbearably pleasurable and painful at the same time. I couldn't be tickled to death. No one could. I reckon you could get tickled to death. No, because you're just getting sensitive after a while.

The tickle... A lot of what tickling is is the anticipation, isn't it? It's a psychological effect. It's not... You couldn't tickle indefinitely long. You can't... It would just become...

I tell you what... A tickle would just become a soft rub. I tell you... Wouldn't it? No, but you know what I'm saying? It just becomes stroking. I tell you what, anyone fucking tries to tickle my feet,

they're going to die because I'll kick them in the neck and kill them. I don't like my feet being tickled. Sometimes they're not ticklish. Sometimes they're the most ticklish part i've ever had of me i can't even remember my bummo by the way still fucking aches from whatever went up my ass before what do you mean i think it was the cop it would tickle i don't know that branch was just snapped off when i twanged it or something on the arsehole oh that's the first probably of many injuries you're going to sustain today no no

this is going to be an injury free episode I promise you that other wood you talk about the coppets one no we came out of Coldfall the Coldfall is just there to our right and then we're going to head towards Coppet but the Coppet one you said is a bit more what

desolate or spooky a bit more empty yeah and it was a bit more overgrown and wild that's exciting. On the other side of the North Circular. So I reckon we found a good den there or something. Or whatever, but we're just going to put these in the bin

and then we're going to set up to try some drinks. Shall we walk up over there and find the shade over there so we're closer to... There's a shade just here, look. I know. Look at these little creases. I think that's where we should go. All right, we're going to go into a crease then.

It's a lovely day. Lovely day for it, isn't it lovely day cold fall wood local nature reserve and beringer road gate all right well that's the road that it's no no it's just because that's the street isn't it that's that's on the back of it yeah lovely alleyways all around here barbecues are not needed oh dead wood is good wood dead trees are left standing and used by insects and birds such as nut hatches tree creepers they're making this fucking up and stock doves who nest in holes all these photographs are taken in cold fall night and then that's a stock dove looks like a normal dove yellow longhorn beetle lesser glowworm hairy curtain crust fungus

I suffer from that sometimes funnily enough I suffer from sulphur tuft fungus lesser glowworm look at that shit it says very rare

look at that it looks like a crazy bug it does look like a bastard wood mouse I would no garden waste do not touch or go near

caterpillars or nests fair enough attention oak processory moth caterpillars could be nesting in this area

leave them alone you need those fuckers are a pest and hazard to human and animal health I went on a date

the other night Paul here we go and we were getting down to business and then suddenly... Never happened.

Suddenly... I know it's a joke, but whatever. Suddenly I said, love, put it away. You've got hairy curtain crust fungus. Great. I'm glad it took you five minutes to think of that. Let's set up for drinking.

I want to be... I don't feel very naughty, and I want to be naughty. All right. Here we go. See you in a bit. I have a feeling it's going to be... I think that the cider will be more palatable than my carling uh special brew as long as i just don't get severe fucking

cramps from drinking it will be all right i also have some hard liquor i've got some mellow corn 50 abv if you so want and we've got a coke to put with that yeah we're too we're going to be all right so let's let's lather up mate let's slather up and get our little grumble on. And then we can leave Coldfall and head towards Coppet. It's exciting, isn't it? Yeah, I'm excited. It's a lovely day. We just don't want to get too dehydrated.

I've also got water. I've also brought water as well. I've got water and a fan and an umbrella to keep the shade, you know, give us some shade. I still have half a bottle of Highland Spring as well. So we're all right. Well, we need to keep an eye on that because really, it really is like you could die of exposure in this heat. No, I know. And that's why we're going to...

We're not completely silly buggers. We do know to look after ourselves on this walk. And we hope if you copy what we do, you also bring provisions and stuff to protect you like water and shape don't go out without any water yeah in this heat everyone there's a little pathway where's this is here we want to drink should we start here let's set up here oh look at that big drop off oh oh hang on this has got to be a swing round here. Oh, look. Well, there's a remnant of a swing. There's a swinglet. Well, does that count?

No, I mean, it doesn't really count. Take a picture of me in the swinglet now. We must document this for all future. I'm going to point at it like this. Beautiful. Right. What? I reckon there's another swing round here.

There's bound to be. This is perfect swing territory. We can sit on the ground just in there in the shade. Yeah, let's do it. There's bound to be. This is perfect swing territory. Are you going to sit on the ground just in there in the shade? Yeah, let's do it. We're going to have a drinky-poo. See you in a bit. Right. Oh, God.

Damn it. Fucking ow. Did that go up the gooch of the hole? It went back up the fucking pipe again. Right. Let's fix this. Hello, everybody. Hello, everybody. We're on the edge, in a nice shady edge of Coldfall Wood.

Coldfall. Is that it? No words. He's the man, he runs through the woods at night and he has a strange delight in his pouch cold fall wah wah wah right so it's time to get our drink on in his pouch of the night get our drink on right so before I was so rudely interrupted by nature, by you

we are trying to recreate our youth youth you could describe the whole of the fucking podcast couldn't you it's a desperate attempt to cling on to whatever we've got of our youthful demeanour Yeah Oh dear Oh dear Oh dear

We are tasting Boozes of the youth Boozes The cold drinks we drank in the woods back in the day The cheap booze In order to get fucked That you had to ask an elderly gentleman

to buy for you at the corner shop because you wouldn't get it because you looked 14 Shall we start with the cider? Yeah Right I just want to make an addendum to this story. We went into a little offy in East Fingely to get this stuff and Eli just goes, you got any cups? And the old man didn't know and then you said, oh they're usually just there and then you were right. They always have cups in the offy man. Plastic cups. But he was nice because he gave

us to these gratis. A lot of people profiteer off them. And they'll try and sell you them for 30p a pot. Like, you know, single cigarettes or whatever. Yeah. But we do have cups for this. And the cider that we will be tasting, we couldn't get the original. No, we couldn't get Diamond White, but it's the same fucking muck, isn't it?

This is White Star. Oh, like the company that built the Titanic.? This is White Star. Oh, like the company that built the Titanic. Were they called White Star? Yeah, I believe so. So what's the alcohol? This is 7.5. 7.5 vodka hole. It says refreshing cider. Oh, there's some dogs coming by.

You know, you just fucking know that they're going to be all up in my gooch. How many dogs? It's like three. And is that a gentleman? No, because what are we going to do? Stand for dogs. It's going to be all up in my gooch. How many dogs? It's like three. And is that a gentleman? No, because what are we going to do? Stand for dogs. It's going to bite my face. It's coming right for us.

Oh, they're both... They are both up for action. Oh, no. Do you remember fucking dogs in the woods, Eli? No? Oh, it's going to happen now. No, he's not interested. He's all right. He's a good boy.

Oh, that dog's taking a piss. Oh, he's just putting his scent. Oh, they're all good boys. They're all just putting their scent on, aren't they? They're all good boys. Oh, there's four dogs and one's got a ball. Good boys. Well, welcome to Dog Watch on Cheap Show. I don't want it. Get off my mind. He's nosy. That's what I don't like about dogs.

They're nosy. They are nosy. I like Labradors, though. You can say that dog's got a nice temperament. Nice ass, you said. I'm going to edit that in. Say arse now. No. Say arse now and then I'll edit it in so it makes it sound like you said dog's arse. Hang on. Arse.

There you go. And I'll edit that together, I mean I won't. I just won't at all. Hello. Hello. So, we have the cups ready. Well Paul, the dogs gave us less trouble than I thought. Yeah, no, they were. I don't want to speak too soon.

Very, very well-behaved doggies. And I give those dogs a 7 out of 10. Now, as I was saying, this white star, what I find funny is the tagline. It says, refreshing cider. Who are they trying to fool? You're not like, oh, I'm parched. I want a 7.5% cider.

You know what I mean? Yeah. You're not. You're an alcoholic. You're not going to put, like, not refreshing cider on it, are you? First causing cider. Whatever you want to call it. Salty cider.

Salty cider. Mmm. Saltwater cider. Mmm. Diamond sodium white. Now, with sugar and sweetener. Oh. Contains sulfides. Ugh. What is sulf sweetener, oh, contains sulphides.

Ugh. What is, what is sulphide again? It's a preservative, not good for you. Oh, God. Right,

let's try this, come on. Clunk, click every trip, everyone. Now, it comes in a big monster size can. It's retained some coolness,

which is good. I'm glad we drank it now before it got too late. I'll get my drink on. Let me give you a cup full of this. Alright. He's pouring it in. Trying not to get too big a head. It's not white. It's, you know. Piss colours. It's a little bit like piss colour. I'm just sniffing the nose and pooh. It's a horrible nose. It's a scrumpy kind of stench, that. That's more scrumpy

than man. Oh, that's horrible yeasty doesn't i'm not getting any apple do you know what i mean i'm just getting a sort of yeast i'm getting that hairy crust fungus whatever it is do you know what i mean though it's got a yeast do you know what i mean like a bready almost god that's well it's that lager kind of it's bad right here we go down the hatch oh it's very dry yeah it's not refreshing it's not sweet is it though because it leaves a kind of peachy fuzz on your tongue

that's got sweeteners in it yeah that's got sugar added and it still tastes like that go on you did not like that I did not like that I'll have some more

oh my god that tastes of arse it really does it needs to be at least 10 degrees colder for it to be even. Put some ice in it. You know, whatever you have to do to make it anywhere near palatable. That is fucking grim.

It's got a foam. It's got a proper foam on it. I'll say that for it. It's grim. It's grim. It's like bitter. It has a bitterness. Do you know what I mean?

Should cider leave a kind of chilly heat in the back of your throat? No, it's because it's so strong. Because that's what I've got. It's giving me a rash. I do not like that. I instantly feel a rash coming on from drinking this. I do not like that at all. I'm going to drink more. Watch this. I'm going to finish the cup I've got. I mean, don't get us wrong. When you were a

kid, you drank any old shit because you bought it. Oh, that's so bad. Do you know what I mean? It's got nothing. It's really unrefreshing. So, if I had to give it some flavor notes i'd say there's some scrumpy there's some apple is there yeah i'm not detecting but there's also kind of a um candy uh you know like a kind of rock candy is there kind of elements there as well you're getting sweetness from it i'm not getting any i'm just getting a sweetness there is a bitterness

and there's that sharp kind of apple scrumpy cider thing up front. But the back end, I'm getting kind of like a sweet, over-sweet kind of candy. You know, like crushed candy. Perhaps you're picking up on the artificial sweetness. Yeah, maybe that's what it is. Oh, I can feel it hit my belly. It's horrible stuff. Oh, I can literally feel it crawling into my belly.

It's really horrible. I do not rate that at all. God, that's a weird feeling when you can feel the alcohol go through you. Oh, God. Are you going to be able to finish your second glass? I'm going to fucking finish it. Because I'm committing to this conceit wholeheartedly. Oh, God.

Come on, down in one putt. I am not having any more of that. That is fucking grim. Next. How much was that? The whole thing. The cider, the lager, the other lager and the Coke came to £8 something or other.

That's not really all that much when you think about it. Today's inflation. Especially when you consider the coke's probably the most expensive thing we bought. Now. Oh, no. We move on to the lager element. Lager element, which is a 1970s conspiracy thriller starring Michael Caine. The lager element.

I'll come here. Don't start. I come to close down your brewery. I said, brew the fucking beer. You're only meant to blow the Carlsberg off. Or something, I don't know. You're only meant to blow me off. Right.

Right, come on. Carlsberg, booze too. Now, what I remember, the booze that I used the strong lager that I used to in your ute in woods and so forth

Paul was Tennant Super yeah truly truly grim the grimmest liquid it tasted simultaneously of soap

and hops and sugar and decay porridge yeah porridge and soap it was pre-vomit pre-vomited lager.

Do you know what I mean? It was like... Tasted the same coming up and going down. Just add water. It's just grim. It really was horrible and it was about 12%, I think. Danish special brew.

Does that make... This is Carlsberg. It's a Danish company. An appointment to the Royal Danish Court. Yeah, bullshit. So they've signed off on this. I bet it's brewed here. No, it is brewed in Denmark, apparently. No, that's good. So we've signed off on this. I bet it's brewed here. No, it's brewed in Denmark, apparently.

No, that's good. So we've got special brew instead. The ABV on this is exactly the same, 7.5. So it's less than 10. I have a feeling I'm going to be washing my mouth out from that with this cider. You prefer cider to... No, I just think that's going to be a grotty experience.

So let's do it. This is famously what people... Homeless alcoholics buy. The joke Peter Serafanowicz made in the 99p quiz show, whatever it was called, the 99p challenge, called it trampane.

That's good. Which is a great term. Because, you know, without being too derogatory, it is the booze of the street man. Well, you get cheap. Yeah. You get bang for your buck, don't you?

Yeah. Already I'm feeling like the worm has turned. We've opened the Carlsberg. I feel like the worm has turned inside We've opened the Carlsberg. I feel like the worm has turned inside my guts already with just those two cups. Oh, mate.

That's just all froth. What's the colour like? It's much frothier. It's mostly froth. It's a darker colour. It's a very dark colour. Very dark. Dark, peepy colour.

Very dark colour. Very dark. Oh, I've gone too far. He's foamed right up off the rim. He's foamed right up off the rim, mate. Oh, that's a lot of foam. Down the hatch, mate. No, I've got to wait. He's foamed right up off the rim. He's foamed right up off the rim, mate. Oh, that's a lot of foam. Down the hatch, mate. No, I've got to wait for the foam.

What's the nose on it? Look at the pulse of it. Pulse, pulse. And, you know, the head has all got that horrible mottled. Oh. What's the nose? It smells like a stack of 2p coins. It's just horrible.

Yeah, it does. It has a very coppery. To me, that smells better than the cider. It's like that phrase you used, coiny. Yeah. It's very coiny. It smells better than the cider to me. No, see, that to me is not the smell I want to smell at any one time.

It smells at least of something. That cider is wrong. You prefer the cider. I think this is better. I'm going to go for it. We're going to have to down this. Right, down the hatch. Cheers.

Not that much. Cheers. Here's to seven years of this nonsense. Here's to seven years of regret. Here we go. I mean, that was easier for me than the cider.

Yeah, you know what? It went down easier, but sweeter. Very sweet. Surprisingly sweet. But, it does leave a kind of really,

like rubbing your hands on the inside of a cave kind of, I can't explain it. It's like, you know like this rubbing your hands on the inside of a cave kind of... I can't explain it. It's like... You know, like this rubbing... Rubbing your tongue on a cave's entrance. You know what?

Something like that. I have to admit, that is the weirdest thing you've ever said. Rubbing... I don't think I've ever even done that. Let alone know what that tastes like. Rubbing my hands on the inside of a cave. I don't know. It's like...

It just has this weird... I don't know. Jesus, wet. Oh, I'm going my hands on the inside of a game. I don't know. It just has this weird kind of... I don't know. Jesus, wet. Oh, I'm going to wash... Hey, mate. What? I'm going to add a little... I'm going to do a cocktail.

Oh, we're going to try them together. Cheap show cocktail. So I'm going to add... This is one part white star. And a special... I'm going to call this special star or white brew. No, it's a white brew. All right.

So one part. Just one more part. Yeah, one more part. I don't want to have the whole cup filled. That's enough. Right. What do they taste like together, Paul? Well, it's an unholy fucking smell.

It smells like your face when a dog licks you. Right. Sniff that. Oh, that's the worst of both worlds. I mean, this literally smells like a cup of sick. So I'm not looking forward to this. Here we go. Down in one. You know what? That's not too bad.

Together better together, yeah? It's weird. It kind of like makes it kind of like a shandy. I might have some of that. It's kind of got shandy elements to it, which makes it more palatable. Alright, I'm going to have one part of this. Eli! I'm going to have a white... A white brew. White brew. Hang on,

there we go. I only put one part. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's about it. There we go. Right, so I have a white brew. One part special brew, one part white diamond. Fucking hell, I'm already feeling it. Of course you're fucking feeling it.

It's the strong stuff, mate. Hey, question. If you drink something that's 7%... How are you going to feel about this? And then there's 7% of this. Does that mean there's 14% of booze in the cup? No, no, no. How's maths work?

If you think about it, make math happen in my head. If you think about it, it's 7.5%, which means the rest is the water and the flavours. Yeah. OK. Speak into the microphone, because it's a podcast. So if it's 50-50... It's not 14%, because you're doubling the other percentage as well.

Do you see what I mean? So it's 7.5% if you drank the whole can. So therefore, if you're only drinking a small percent of it, it's like a percent boost. No, no, no. How does it work? If you mix two drinks together... It's the percentage of that liquid,

which means any fraction of that can, we'll have 7.5 of that will be alcohol. So that means if you put two 7%s in one cup, shouldn't that be 14%? No, because you're... Are you doing this on purpose? Maybe a little bit. Yeah, you fucking are.

It's just, I'm generally... Right. I don't know, how alcoholic is it? Is it more alcoholic than drinking it separately? Let's just say I have two glasses of water. Yeah. Okay? Two 99ml glasses of water.

Yeah. Yes? Yes. And then I add 1% red colour. Right. Bink. To both. To both.

I put a 1ml red colour to both. Yeah. So now both of these are 99% water and 1% red. Yeah. Then I combine them. Yeah. And I have, the resulting mixture is how many millilitres? Two percent.

200, yeah? Yeah, two percent. And? Yeah. There's two percent red dye in it no there's 1% because you've doubled the whole lot wait you put half a percent

in a red dye no no no right see why can't I have a body like that guy he's got pecs and like a little bit

of a six pack he's probably got a gambling addiction you think something like that I don't know you have a gambling addiction you don't have a body like that

I don't have a gambling addiction my friend yeah and you don't have a body like that. I don't have a gambling addiction, my friend. Yeah, but you don't have a body like that either. Drink the fucking special white, whatever it's called, white brew. Don't make me feel bad about my body. I'm trying. I didn't.

The old lady fucking did. She was as well. Really nasty. Why did she? It was a fucking nasty piece of work. She was miserable. Yeah, yeah. She made me feel uncomfortable being there all unwanted.

It was like us coming into the store was ruining her day. And she tried to say I was ripping her off when I did the maths for her as well. Do you remember that? Yeah, because she goes, give me the 20.

He's like, no, because my mate Paul gave you a 10. He already gave you the 10. So you need to give him that back. She was out of her depth. Do you understand why? Meanwhile, the woman's fucking violently feeding a dog

from her hands and like... Please tell me you intuitively understand why it still is 7.5% alcohol if you mix them together. I don't care. Do you? Yeah, I don't care. Move on. Drink that.

Drink it. You haven't drank it yet. Oh, I've tried this. Talk into the mic and be better. Stop being you. I can't do that, Paul. Be less you. I can't.

Come on. Do you want me to do the podcast in the character of Richard Brando from now on? No. Because that's worse. Is he? He's not worse. You've liked him better. Would you like to be known as a sexist?

No. Well, then don't be him. Drink your drink. This is called a white star. And this is a white brew. White. White brew. Call it.

Why? Do you think white brew sounds a little bit. Stupid. Yeah. A bit fascist. It sounds fashy. So I'm going to call it special diamond. Star brew. Special star. Special star. S. It sounds fashy. So I'm going to call it Special Diamond. Starbrew.

Special Star. Sarsberg. Sarsberg. Sarsberg. Sarsberg. That's good, isn't it? Have a Sarsberg. How's that come down?

Oh, that's so bad, man. It's not that bad. No, that's worse than... How is that worse? ...either of them by themselves. How is that worse? I don't know why you like the taste of that cider, man.

I don't know why you don't taste that cider by yourself. I I don't know why you like the taste of that cider, mate. I really... They totally do. That tastes more like puke than either of them by themselves. I mean, I'm not saying it's not puke-adjacent. It's way puke-adjacent. It's so puke-adjacent that it talks to puke over the fucking fence in the back garden.

How's your Mike? Oh, to me, that was... He goes, how's your Mike? And he goes, oh, Mike's got his gout again. And then Puke says, oh, at least we were Jason. Mate, something's turning. And it ate the worm.

What is it? Your stomach? Oh, God, there's something going on. Shall we move on to... I don't want to drink anymore. There's something going on. And also, we have to finish this podcast and we're getting soused here. Don't. You're getting way soused. You finish that. Something going on. And also, we have to finish this podcast and we're getting soosed here. Don't. You're getting way soosed.

You finish that. I'm a naughty boy in the woods. Fuck off. Ladies and gentlemen, Paul is literally pissed. He's making himself another Strasburg. God, you have caned this. Oh, I can crush a can.

You caned that. Luckily, we only crush a can. You caned that. Luckily, we only got two. We were going to buy a four-pack of this shit. I remember. If you want more booze, by the way, I've bought the mellow corn from our live stream. I was once so sick. I was once so drunk,

I was sick in a hole of a tree. The hole of the tree? In a hole in a tree. I remember putting my face against the tree, just barfing into the hole. Do you remember the tone? There could have been a nest of little birds in there a hole in a tree. I remember putting my face against the tree and just barfing into the hole. Do you remember the tone? And there could have been a nest of little birds in there

for all I know. And they could have been caught within my chunder. They'd die. They probably would. You stop drinking so fast. I'm worried about you. I've got my Desperado

in there as well. I would like to taste, can I taste the Desperado? That's my secret booze. You reckon that's nice, don't you? I like it, but I like it on the press,

Can we taste the Desperado? Can we do that for the show, please? We'll do it later. No, let's do it right now. You don't want to drink the Desperado now? We've got no booze left otherwise, don't we? I've got fucking a whole thing of fucking... Then let's open the Desperado.

We should taste the Desperado. All right, I like Desperado. On the pre-see that I recognise it's not a great drink. Fine. Look, I'm not judgmental. You are. You think it tastes better than either of these? Oh, your honour. Oh, your honour. I'm not judgemental. You are. You think it tastes better than either of these? Oh, Your Honour.

Oh, Your Honour. I'm judgemental. That would be an excellent character. I'm judgemental. Has anyone ever thought of that before? I don't know. No one has. New character.

It's my character. Fine. Right. Does he have to do that noise, though? Does he have to do that mouth noise? For the crime of murder, I sentence you to two jellies. Oh, judgmental.

I want you to be tickled by the neck until then. Why is he tickling death? I don't know. I'm judgmental. This is a pathetic excuse. That was good. I like that. Anyway, will there be more judgmental. This is a pathetic excuse. That was good. I like that. Anyway, won't there be more judgmental coming up?

Which is totally inappropriate. That's it. It's a good count because you do that noise every time at the beginning. You like bookend it. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, bookend it. Oh, right. I'm finishing this.

Open up the Desperado. All right. Mate, it is definitely. Have your Strasburg. Last Strasburg. Now, Desperado is a right. Mate, it is definitely... Have your Strasburg. Last Strasburg. Now, Desperado is a whole different thing, isn't it? Oh, God. It is just a beer with a tequila flavouring,

but I don't think there's any tequila in it. I think it's effectively a lime cider. A lime shandy. You know what it says here? Flavoured with tequila, 0.1%. That is one-tenth of a percent tequila. Are you okay? He's having a...

How many percentage points do you know? Do you remember how many percentage points it is? Don't look at the camera. I don't know if it's like four or five. Six. Is it? Yeah. Now, I'm going to give you a unbiased taste test

of this Desperado because I know you like it and I I like it I sneer at you in a snobby way because it's obviously crap

we need to finish this segment before the battery runs out oh come on mate the battery runs out we can't talk can we I'm opening the Desperado here we go

well we have to get some more batteries they were going to kick us out of Sainsbury's Extra we've got to go to Sainsbury's Extra and get batteries so we can make this podcast they'll kick us out of Sainsbury's Extra. We've got to go to Sainsbury's Extra and get batteries

so we can make this podcast for you. They'll kick us out if you're too pissed, if you keep making that mouth noise. Fucking hell. They're going to fucking kick you out. Also, just for the record, we found... Did we mention this on the podcast? I can't remember if you've recorded this or not.

We found a little swing rope thing, but not a whole swing on the video just the snapped vestige the snapped vestige of a swing right there's an image there's a picture isn't it to prove it it's desperado time oh it's foamy it's got a similar color to the carling yeah carling black label oh it has a very very lemon, it smells like lemon pledge. Get the nose on that. Yeah, you're right,

it has a very kind of sprite scent to it. that's a foamy beer. My sister was over from the States and she was saying, how much you love me. Well,

you didn't, I know what she's thinking. I'm not talking about that, that's my sister-in-law. I'm not talking about her. I can think sister-in-law. I'm not talking about her. I can think of

your face. She's got a very similar face to me, my sister. Anyway. I was like, come on love, put a beard on.

I've got this beard here for you. anyway. Hold this noodle. Hold this instant noodle. I'll penetrate you. Sorry.

It's okay, I like you like Sorry. It's okay, Paul. I like you like this. It's cool. Oh, no, it's hit me too hard. I knew it fucking would. Literally, I think it's been like ten minutes. You've been glugging it down, mate. Oh, no.

I'm a mess. Now, she said that they can only get Sprite out there. Yeah. And she noticed that 7-Up is more prevalent here. Yeah, 7-Up is more prevalent. Yeah. And she said she prefers the taste of 7-Up is more prevalent here. Yeah, 7-Up is more prevalent. And she said she prefers the taste of 7-Up. It has more of a tartness. I agree, actually.

Do you agree? It's less flat. It's got more of a tartness, leaveniness. Is that right? Yeah, I mean, just my personal preference. I prefer 7-Up to a Sprite. Yeah, it tastes better. It tastes better, doesn't it?

Sprite just tastes of chemicals. It's too flat. And you've got a little bug or something in your foam. So blow that off. I mean, don't blow it off it's too small oh there he is but he's dead he died as he lived should we taste this desperado yeah here we go down here what see i like that but i know it's not great but it's not unpleasant it doesn't leave a kind of horrible aftertaste i know what you mean i think i still yeah i still

would prefer the carlsberg, actually. Really? Yeah. The problem with the Carlsberg for me is that it's kind of really kind of grimy and, like, thick. It's syrupy. Whereas this is lighter. Yeah, it just has a very artificial... I have another one.

Here you go. Thank you. It has a very artificial back taste for me, this. It's foaming up. It's very foamy. It's got a good me, this. It's foaming up. It's very foamy. It's got a good foam on it. It's there. Listen, it's not the worst thing I've ever tasted.

No, but I mean... It goes down really easy for me because I have a sweet tooth and I appreciate that. If it was colder... With a bit of ice. It'd be very nice. Yeah, it's fine. As it is, it's basically a lime shandy. Do you know what I find?

It's quite artificial tasting. The citrus element, to me, tastes chemically. Yeah. In the way that... Well, it tastes like a cordial to me, like a lime cordial. Yes, that's what it is. It's reminiscent of Rosie's lime cordial or something. I mean, effectively, what does Desperados concede?

Oh, there's another dog. It's an original. There's another dog, Paul. I don't know if we're going to have trouble with this one. It's a tiny little dog. It's like the Eli Silverman of dogs. She's trying to pick it up. Yeah, we can fucking just breathe in and fucking accidentally inhale it.

It's great to have this nearby where you live, isn't it? Yeah, I can imagine there'd be a worse place in the world you could be. But this is a nice little parklet. I've got to stop saying look. That's all right. He's a tiny little doglet. That's a really small puppy. I mean, that's one of the smallest dogs I've ever seen.

It's a puppy, Paul. It's a young dog. Things are younger when they're smaller. A puppy dog? Yes. A small puppy dog? It's a small puppy dog. Right, well, I'm going to drink more of this.

Right, well, I reckon we finish these off, have a smoke, and then go to the other woods. And then fucking fail. We're going to carry on drinking like naughty boys in the woods. We'll see you a little bit later. We've done fuck all like naughty boys in the woods, apart from fucking you totally hammered

three cans of fucking strong fizz it's because I'm more of a man you've been on the piss I'm more of a man than you you're more of an alky

I'm more of a man than you and more of a lightweight yes you're much more of a lightweight ladies and gentlemen I'll be taking care

of everything from here on in Eli Silverman I sentence you to three weeks in funny town. I'm judgmental. Et cetera. He needs another element where he is actually really judgy. Mad and judgy.

And then he can be judgmental. Anyway, please email us at thecheapshowpad. That's the joke. That's only the only joke we've ever done. No, he says, oh, it's been very serious what I say to you. And also, oh, Kippers been very serious what I say to you. And also, woo-woo, kippers. Do you know what I mean? Kippers is a great mental health joke.

It's great stuff. Wonderful. But do you know what I'm saying? Mate, I can't wait to find the other wood, because this wood's been a gold mine. This is so lovely up here. Yeah. Beautiful.

We'll see you in a bit. We've done enough. This is enough. Enough. Bye-bye. beautiful we'll see you in a bit we've done enough this is enough enough bye bye so just a little addendum. We've just done the drinking test and the booze has hit us. Oh, and the sun's coming out now

and he has gone for a little tinkle. Can I see him? Yeah, he's right there. You're a little tinkle. Do you a tinkle? Why? I don't film you. You're like some kind of pervert. Do you a little tinkle? Shut pervert get a little tinkle shut up

have a little tinkle tell them what's happening and then fucking get out we're finally leaving Coldfall Wood and we're going to head towards Coppet now but it means a little bit

of a walk cross the North Circular and then into another wood so that's the plan we're going to go to a bin and jump this off odd boozers and then straight across should we go to a bin and jump this off our boozers and then uh straight across

should we go to that bin so we don't carry this shit is that a dog dirt bin though that's a dog dirt bin unless there's another bit go to that one it's right there and then we'll all right 32 degrees you know fuck me oh eli i'm very drunk i'm having real problems no well we have to get our sword our out you have to find this tesco extra yeah we need batteries otherwise the podcast's over i feel like a little twinkle has gone down both trouser legs which is um yeah i didn't quite finish before the big snap all right all right see you in a bit see you in a bit snap all right all right see you in a bit cooling see you in a bit stink of piss and booze now how great are we oh why do why do people like us i don't get it let's not get in would look at what we've done really let's not get in i'm a loser you're a loser we're on funny cunts

oh let's put this in the bin fine press stop I press it you fucking tell me I press it I press it right now you cunt we're going to get exposure we're going to die of exposure

out here over exposure because we're so great at podcasting well you just what is wrong with you I'm drunk I've had three fucking beers

in three minutes you didn't have three beers I had three big drinks one and a half beers. Well, then, it's pathetic that I'm this lightweight. I know, you are. Total lightweight. Oh, because right now, mate, I just want to have a cry.

Right, here we go. We need to check our route, man. We're going to go that way. It's just that way. We're going that way. Put it in the mix recycling. Litter and dog waste. In. put it in the mix recycling litter and dog waste in bin it or take it home but don't leave litter next to the bin says the bin yeah that's a good point right

should we sign off it really is extremely hot I mean look at the size of that dragonfly dogs dog turds look out the way hey yeah dog turds that dragonfly almost made me step in the dog shirt. Yeah. Shirt. Dog shirt. Perhaps that's an evolutionary tactic, that dragonflies, that perhaps they need me to step in the dog's head. Why?

To release the scent, and then their mate comes. Dragonflies are... All right, fucking David Attenborough. Fucking... And then... I'm in danger of being... The dragonfly... Exposed to too much sun.

Makes the cretin step in the doggy doors. It's like fucking southern Spain here or something. Yeah, it's fucking gone very, very hot all of a sudden. When we were drinking it, the cloud... Yeah, the sun's come out. We need to move faster, Paul. I trip you up. Don't trip me up.

I literally fucking squiff that. Because I went to squiff you. And then I couldn't miss it. I missed it. I'm going to do it again. Watch this. Come here. Come here.

Come here. All right. See you in a bit, everyone. You won't let me trip him up. You're not swearing in front of that young family. I didn't say any fucking bad words at all. I did, though. Did you?

I just told you to fuck off. Well, that's fine. That's fine. You live around here. Control yourself. None of us live around here. People do, though, don't they, Paul, who aren't us? We're not people.

Just turn it off. God, you're angering me. Twat. Fuck off. Ow! You kicked me in the tits. Well, you kicked me in the tits oh no this has gone off the rails in a very bad way turn it off we need to get to tesco extra and get some fucking yeah triple a's all right see you later everyone bye-bye

Bye-bye. We're at the North Circular. Power League, Barnet. Your home of five-a-side football. Right, cross here. Don't we need to? Fuck me. Mate, I think I've sweated out everything.

Yeah, I don't feel drunk anymore. I've sweated all the booze out. No, I feel drunk. We've been walking for about 15 minutes by the side of some allotments. Very suburban, isn't it? There was no houses around there. Very. It's like the countryside, but it's near a big road, sort of thing. Oh, green man. Green man. Green man.

Green man. We're going to Tesco Etra because we need... We're on a ped bridge. Peda bridge or whatever. Oh, we're crossing the circular now. The North Circular. Look at it. Take a picture of me crossing the bridge. Okay. I'm going to walk backwards and look cool. We need pictures for our website thecheapshow.co.uk. Here we go. Nice. Yeah nice. Nicely done. We're crossing the bridge, heading to a Tesco's.

We need batteries. We need soft drinks. We need sandwiches. And I need to go pee-pee-poo-poo. Oh, no, pee-pee-poo. Oh, there's a McDonald's. There's a McDonald's. It's McDonald's?

Yeah, just there. Look, see. Retail park. I don't know how close that is. I think that's like a whole 20-minute walk away. Fuck it. Yeah. I'll go Tesco's and get some stuff.

Yeah, we'll go Tesco's. Crossing the bridge. I feel like the bridge is wobbling. It makes me feel really unsafe. Do you feel it? Yeah. It is giving a bit, isn't it? No, I mean, it's fine.

It's because we're aware of it. That's the North Circular. Look at that. It's a fucking motorway. They built right through London, basically. Right round the back of that wood. That's this Green Man. Oh, Green Man, Green Man, Green Man, Green Man.

Here we go. Crossing the road. Tesco Extra. It's a bit fucking extra, isn't it? It's huge. Well, should I check how far the McDonald's is? Nah, fuck it. We'd have to walk right alongside the motorway.

It's this Tesco Extra, isn't it? Is it? Which way do we go? I think it's this way. It's going to be this way. Alright. 134 bus going through to Wood Lane. Retail park is a quarter of a mile away. That'll be another 20 minute walk or something. Go here, get what we need, go to the wood, you alright? Yeah, absolutely. What were we going to do in the woods again uh whatever you don't know what's going on we're meant to like this you've got to find a den no it's there it goes in that way it's right it's huge tesco extra is the huge ones good extra it's extra big buy some sort of um garden furniture let's even get some muppet lego

it's bound to have it here right we'll have will have it. They'll have Muppet Lego. I'm only getting two because I might get doubles. I'll get one. All right. All right, well, listen, we need to get this shit done, so we'll eventually get back to the woods,

but for now, we'll say tatty bye and we'll see you on the other side of Tesco's. And then when we get to the woods, we'll look for a den, porn. Oh, den and a porn.

Yeah, that's it. And that's kind of it, really, isn't it? Although I reckon I could hunt you for sport, maybe in the woods. Oh. How tropey. The most dangerous game, Eli. The true sport, the true hunter's man, or whatever. Fucking bullshit.

Fuck off. You're a fucking bullshit. Fuck off. Well, I'm just... I wasn't saying... Oh, look, it's your favourite. They've got Costa. Oh, no, I've had enough coffee. Oh shit. I'm having trouble walking. That booze has hit me hard. All right, good. We're walking in. We'll see you in a little bit later, ladies and gentlemen. And I love you I love you so much so much okay

do you love him? yeah I love you you know what I complain a lot about oh don't start this booze and podcasts and how it's not attractive

and yet I think I've been the most pissed ever on a podcast compared to Eli who's a piss head so you know it's because I have some self control yeah you have some self control

and you're not a lightweight like me I'm not a lightweight like you. So, I'm sorry, everyone. I'm a bad little boy. Just turn it off. I'm tearing it off. We're going into Tesco. Going to Tesco.

Right, so, we have come off the main road. We've been to Tesco's. We've bought some sandwiches and shit. Oh, God! the test goes. We bought some sandwiches and shit. Oh, God! I'm heading into Coppitswood. Gleblund.

Glebe. Glebe is a park that's next to Coppitswood. You didn't believe me, did you, that there was anything up here? We were walking alongside the... No, wait, I didn't say nothing! Yeah, but you were like, whoa, when we turned. It's quite cool, isn't it? It's right off the... No, someone's written 50.

North Circular, yeah, road, 50 yards. Are they being stupid or something? Probably. But it's right there. You can hear the background noise. We're about to enter the woods. This is the more, even more fucking unknown scrap of prehistoric forest

that is left here in this part of London, Paul. Yeah, we're heading in now. We're in Coldfall, which is bigger than this, and also a bit more well-known. Look at this. This is proper... This is desolate. Yeah. This is one of the most remote places in central London, I'd say.

Not central, but in greater London. Do you know what I mean? You made me walk through fucking nettles and thorns. We should say as well, Paul has not been faring well. As you may have heard. That booze washed over me quick and fast. And look, look, look. I hate drinking and I'm a lightweight.

And if anything, my behaviour should show you that. It's not cool, man. It's not cool. There's a path. Which way do, my behaviour should show you that. It's not cool, man. It's not cool. There's a path. Which way do we go? Do we go left here? Into the unknown?

Straight up? Yeah. So we're going straight up this little path. Of course, I'm saying let's do my head in now. Do my head in. But we're going up this path anyway. I smell the raw sewage. What?

Take a whiff of that. Oh, what's that smell? Oh, mate, this path anyway. I can smell the raw sewage. What? Take a whiff of that. Oh, what's that smell? Oh, mate, I can't take that. That is raw sewage. I can't take that smell right now. We have to move through it. We have to move through this. We're moving through it. Now, this whole area was a sewage works until the 60s.

Really? Yeah. Fuck me, God. I can smell it so bad. I hope it's not bad if this whole wood smells of whatever the fuck that smell is i'm gonna chunder mate i'm gonna chunder bad mate i'm feeling a chunder coming on oh whatever that was the eggy eggy whiff oh That was raw sewage. Oh, welcome to fucking North London. Anyway, Coppetwood. There's a beautiful meadowland.

Yeah, there's some lovely meadowland, maybe. I'm going to take a photo of you here. All right, OK. Just take one of me walking off into the distance romantically, you know, like I'm a poet. I'm walking like a poet. Yeah, I'm posing now. Yeah, lovely.

All right, good. So I've never been here before. It's funny, I lived in East Finchley for like the best part of a decade back in the day. I never really explored anywhere. I came across this by accident initially. Yeah. And i was just exploring the roads around north pinchley okay and i found the other end of this and i came out the way we've just come in which is an entrance that is right on the north circular it's really unhospitable

walking along the north circular like that it's terrible because it's motorway essentially yeah it is a motorway don't you agree this is even more sort of raw and rural feeling than Coldfall, wouldn't you say? Because I'm not going to go through that, that path there. Look at that, it's nettle country as far as the eye can see. I'm not doing that with my shorts on. It really is like the countryside here. There's that little path as well over there, where does that go? There's a little path through it, mate.

But I'm going to find the entrance, I'm taking you to the entrance, basically. We need to find a den, some porn and a swing. We're not going to find the entrance. I'm taking you to the entrance, basically. We need to find a den, some porn, and a swing. We're not going to find a swing or some porn, but we might find a den. What if I just draw some and leave it here? Where would you draw it? I'd draw a big pair of tits and a willy. Now, we were in Tesco, everybody.

We went for reparations. Not reparations. Yeah, what the fuck are you talking about? What's that food word beginning of R? Restaurant. Repast. We have gone for a repast. Right.

In Tesco. God. And I have to tell you everyone, Paul, because if he's in the E3H state, acted like a big bitch Karen Boomer idiot. What do you mean? I didn't. That's not interesting. On the checkout.

Yeah, because you wanted that Lego Muppet figure and it wouldn't register because it was so light. So I was having problems I was trying to make it register the weight difference between your fucking sandwich and a Muppet Lego figure oh look there's a fence it feels like the fence is the entrance so why are we going to the fence? Turn round! Shut up! Do you want me to fucking kill you? I'd like to see you fucking try.

Do you want me to leave you for dead over a fucking tree trunk? I will knock you out. You fucking cunt. That's so good. I've already given you the poison. You'll be weak in three minutes. Yeah, you killed me. Great.

Well done, Paul. Well fucking done. Everyone's going to love you for that. Give you a sandwich. That sandwich you're eating? I fucking dosed it. You set this up. You knew the sandwich I'd select. You probably going to love you for that. Give you a sandwich. That sandwich you're eating, I fucking dosed it. You set this up. You knew the sandwich I'd select.

You probably could have... I injected it. You probably could have predicted that I would go for the sausage, bacon and egg triple. Yeah, and I put a little injection in of toxic forum. They've gone up by 50p. Tesco fucking... And their fucking Tesco club card is like, three chocolate bars for a pound. Oh, but only if you've got a Tesco club card.

Yeah, they did that. It's like, why? They want your loyalty. They want you by the balls. They want you by the balls. Now, there's another entrance up here, which we'll go into. Right, where does this go? This is all Coffitts Wood and Glebelands.

Glebelands is to our left here. And there's some open fields. Glebelands is actual park, which leads up to Finchley Central. Okay. So we could walk out that way. Okay. If you wanted. Do you want to do that?

Yeah. Okay. Because right now, mate, I do want to cry. We're going to have a little sit down. A nice cry and a sit down and a cry. We're going to have a little sit down in the scrubland, okay? All right. It'll be very nice.

Yeah, it's very nice. Listen to some more music, have a drink. Have a lovely drink. Rehydrate. Cuddle. No. Listen to some more music, have a drink. Have a lovely drink. Rehydrate. Cuddle. And do some Sudoku. Love Sudoku. Love Sudoku.

What would that be? Knob. Knob. We've got nothing. You've literally got nothing to back that up. Instead of numbers, you have pictures of genitals. Knob. Knob, fanny tits also.

Ear. You need nine of them though. Ear. Where else? Dog. No, you could have chirality with it. Where else? Dog. No, you have two. You could have chirality with it. So you could have left ear, right ear.

That counts as two. Right ear, right ear. Left ear. Left nostril, right nostril. Nostril, nostril. Now we've got four. Mouth. Nostril, mouth.

All right, we've got five. Bumhole. Bumhole. Fanny. Dickhole. That's only eight. We need another orifice. Belly button.

Ah! We could do porn Sudoku. Yeah. Oh, I can't put belly button belly button there there's a Willie in the way no end of fun no end of fun well why don't you try genital Sudoku go up there you can get to North Finchley right so we're gonna go through this gate now yeah that was a little one of those gates oh take a picture all right take a picture of me by the no cycling sign now watch out for the common oak watch out for the tawny owl it says on that sign i like tawny owls she's my favorite porn star tawny owl il. I've got nothing, mate. This is a fucking shit show.

Well, let's have some more booze and maybe it can be funny again. I think if... No. More booze is going to tank this episode. It's really going to fucking... If we rock and roll, let's tank it.

Let's tank it. That's good. I've got you and the sign in there. Copperwood. Local nature reserve. I'm sorry if you're a fan of cheap show and this is what you'd like. Come into the wood.

Because we should do better. I'm coming into the wood. You should do better. You should do better. Oh, don't. That's not... Listen, don't. Just...

I didn't get pissed. You chuckney-faced fuck. I'm holding this shit together. Come into the wood and shut up. I'm coming into the wood. Right, we'll see you in a bit. We're coming into the wood.

Coppock Wood, local nature reserve. Please take your litter home and do not allow dogs to foul this area. Eli, do not foul this area. I'm a dog, Emma. Yeah, shit so. I am a funny man. No, shut up.

Turn it off. © BF-WATCH TV 2021 Right, well, we've entered Coppetwood, and we've instantly found... It's recording already. It's right there. Hello, everybody. Hello. Pick a medium. Do you want a camera or do you want a microphone? Both. Hello, ladies and gentlemen.

We've now found one of our things on our wish list of Naughty Boys Days Out, and that is the swing. We found the swing, and it's got a nice purple ribbon. It's well made. It's a nice strap. It's not a purple ribbon, is it? This is a ribbon, isn't it?

Do you want to swing first? Yes. Eli's going to swing first on the swing that we found in the wood. I'm very, mate. What? I need to... Need to what?

Drunk. You are drunk, aren't you? I need some more water. Everything's going whizzily-whiddily. Have some of this water I've got. All right, it's fine. Have some water. When are you going to wank me off?

I am never going to wank you off. Great. Mate, great. Now, two strangers walking past completely heard that and he's staring at us now like there's a crime happening right here we go he's swinging here we go look at that he's grabbed oh he's grabbed it by the length end because he look at that little tummy coming out what do you mean that's all you can do swing i can't get any this is pathetic you look like a stringed up shock right okay you hold this then right put

this on so you can hear the now paul i want everyone to hear this no put the headphones on first i would like everyone to hear this paul yeah you need to watch yourself you've had too much to drink and you need not to be, you could break your head open on that rock. I don't even want to watch this. I don't even want to watch this. This is terrible. Be careful.

I mean it was better than mine, but only barely. Good. Can we stop now he did sort of he did he left the rock to some extent because he's taller than me that's the only reason you swung you swung did they say i swang It's not. Oh, that's good. Now he's done well. The lad's done well there. Oh, he's using the tree to swing. He's doing really well.

He's trying to... Don't hurt your legs. Oh, he's done it. I have to applaud you, Paul. Very well done. I couldn't get that much purchase on it. I couldn't reach there. But no, you did really well there, Paul.

And you managed not to hurt yourself too bad. I didn't hit in the tree on it. I couldn't reach there. But no, you did really well there Paul. And you managed not to hurt yourself too bad. I didn't hit the tree this time. Brilliant. Well done. I think the fella is so far away from the tree trunk itself. Well done. Well done.

Very good. Very good. That's it. Another one off the list. Off the list. We just need a den now. Another one off the list. Can we have another drink?

We're going to. Coke and, we want Coke and whiskey. Whiskey and Coke, yeah? Are those glasses still working? Right, well, off the list. Swing in going to. We want Coke and whiskey. Whiskey and Coke, yeah? Are those glasses still working? Right, well, off the list. Swing in the woods. Booze in the woods. Oh, I feel like something's stung my lip.

Really? Yeah. Look at my lip there. I've come out in hives all over. Look at my lip there. It looks all right. I don't see anything different. It must be that sandwich or something.

Maybe you're allergic to sausage. Okay, Paul. Right right let's end this right okay good wonderful stuff i found the swing that's off the list that's good we're going to find the den and some porn and if we don't we're just going to have a drink so let's have a drink naughty boys in the woods having a bit of fun looking for a secret place to come come come My lip is swelling up. I'm not even joking. What do you think happened? I touched something. Are you allergic to adventure?

No, I touched some kind of plant or something, didn't I? And then touched my mouth. And now it's coming. I don't need this. Mate, if you start swelling up, I'll put a pen in your throat or something so you can breathe. I'll get you out of the woods, mate. I'm'm running from you if this keeps swelling i want you to call medical assistance and not all right i'll call medical assistance i'll do it for

you but i might have to you know give you an incision in your throat and put a i've got your pen knife with me if i can cut your throat just about there let's go and then you know put a pen in so you can breathe it's not funny you're laughing you're making hay you're making you're making what do you call making light not hay like to be honest mate at this point in the podcast i am at the point now where i just want to stop and go home you should have seen him everyone in tesco he was embarrassing i wasn't embarrassing do you want to open up your lego thing Should we open up the Lego thing now? Let's open up the Lego thing now and see what we got in. What are we hoping for? Now, if it's a Fonzie, it's mine.

If it's anything else, Eli can have it, unless I've taken a fancy. So let's find it. Let's find it in the bag of Tesco goodness. There, you just there, you dare. Where is it? Is it poison ivy or something? I don't know. Where is it? Have you taken it? Is it poison ivy or something? I don't know. Where is it?

Have you taken it? You have a look. I can't be fucked. Where is it? Did we end up not putting it in the fucking bag? Did we leave it there? Yeah. You left it there.

Why did I? Why? Because you were pissed and you didn't put it in the bag. Fucking hell! Unbelievable. That's your fault. Well, we can't open our Muppet Lego because I left it at the tech checkout. It was almost three quid, £3.50.

It was fucking £3.50 and you just left it there because you were so angry. You were still drunk and didn't check yourself. Because I'm not an idiot. You were still drunk and didn't check yourself. Because I'm not an idiot. And when I use a self-checkout, I make sure everything's in the fucking book. Why didn't you check? You big boomer Karen baby, Paul. Don't push me.

Kick your head in. This hasn't gone well. It's the Blue Witch. We're going to get out of here. It's the blow of which. We're going to get out of here. Go somewhere and have a smoke. Who's fucking here? Who's here? No one. Let's just sit here and chill.

Here's a couple of tree longs. Let's do it here. I'm really at the top of my limit. Eli, I'm going to be honest. Naughty boys in the wood is a bad idea for an episode i could have told you that but you never consult me about what we're doing i don't consult you because you don't you're you're a man well done well done i'm the heart and soul of this enterprise the our soul of this enterprise right he's gone off in a huff. This is not going well. Look, I know people go,

oh, cheap show, it's a shit fest, and it's all gone off the rails. But this is bad. This is bad. It's not my fault you had a strop and left the fucking Muffet Lego. You could have picked it up as well. You didn't notice it wasn't in the bag.

Let's just think it was a gonzo. It was a gonzo. Fuck gonzo. Right, I'm going to have... You've got both gonzo and Miss Piggy already. Yeah, so someone else can have it. Some nice child can find it on the thing and have it. Just turn that smile frown upside down.

Turn the smile upside down. Come over here. Well, come on over. I've seen a bit. Not you, him. No, not him, you. I'm very confused. Come over here.

I'm coming. Right. I'll make an executive decision, mate. And the executive decision is to stop this and go home because... It takes 40 minutes to walk to Finchley Central. 40 minutes? Yes. 40 minutes to Finchley Central. All right, I've got more...

North Finchley is closer. Do you want to walk to North Finchley Central? I want to walk to more Finchley... North Finchley is about 20 minutes. Do you want to do that? Yeah, is there a tube station at North Finchley? No, but you can get a... I've got my slingshot.

Like a naughty boy. Don't shoot me with the slingshot. You what? Don't shoot me with the slingshot. What, with this slingshot? That's a rock. Do not shoot me with that rock. Did it hurt? Boing. rock do not shoot me with that rock oh he's taking it he's taking it always

take you fucking asked for this you fucking hit me in a rock with the rock yes come on fucking give me the pain give me it give me the pain. Give me it. Give me the pain. He's loading up the slingshot with a rock he's found on the floor. Ah, you missed rather than you didn't hit it. Come on, baby. Go on then, hit me with it. Here we go. Hit me with your best shot. Oh, you can't even fire a slingshot. You muppet. What are you going to do now? Oh, no. Don't aim for my balls, please.

No. You cannot fire a slingshot. This is actually poor. Look at all your sweat marks on your black shirt. Looking more and more like a fucking Ikea kitchen set. Come on. Mate, you can't aim for toffee i got you first time you fucking little prick come on hit me with your sling hit me with your slingshot

come on oh no that's too close i know that's too close ah no mate this is pathetic work. Can we go home now, please? Give me my slingshot back. Don't. If you shoot me again with that, I will fucking... I promise I won't sleep. I promise I won't.

You know what I mean? Give me my slingshot back. You have to go. Give me my slingshot back. You have to go now. Give me my slingshot. I'm sick of you. This episode is nearly over.

And I want to end... I'm sick of you. And you should fucking... You hit me with a rock in the knee. And it could have broken my knee. And I could have been unable to walk. Watch this. Watch this, Eli.

That's me crying salty tears. You know what, ladies and gentlemen? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You know what? I'm going to apologize. This is bad behavior. And Eli's been making me drink. And I'm not a fan of it. And I feel sorry. I'm sorry. You know what? I'm going to apologise. This is bad behaviour. And Eli's been making me drink.

And I'm not a fan of it. And I feel terrible. You're a terrible drunk. And I'm a terrible drunk. I am. You are. You acted like a fucking spoiled Karen in the Tesco's. You left the best thing, which was our fucking Lego.

Yeah, you blame me, but you didn't see it either. Because you were having a shrop about the bag and trying to chuck it in the bag. And I, like a sane human, just asked for some help from someone there who immediately helped and didn't complain, and you just ignored it. So I don't even want to get into that with you. You've ruined it. And then now you've shot me in the knee with a rock.

You've shot me in the knee with a rock. Yeah, well, you couldn't even do that. It's not the police. It's not do that. It's not the police. It's not the police. It's not the police. It's the... People don't appreciate your kind round here. My kind.

You're the one shouting and bellowing like a chuffer. It's a chuffer. That's not a thing, a chuffer. Look, ladies and gentlemen, we've had lots of fun today, and it's been hot, but we're giving up. We've got to be honest, we're giving up. Look, do you want me to wrap the episode up, Paul? Okay, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you...

A little bit later. All right, but can I just... In terms of the main mission... You've got fluffles on your tummy. In terms of the main mission... Yeah. Of the list that we made earlier, of the things we wanted to do, what did we do?

Drank some terrible booze. Yeah, found a swing. We found a swing. Found a den. the list that we made earlier of the things we wanted to do, what did we do? Drank some terrible booze. Yeah. Found a swing. We found a swing. Found a den. This log we're on now is our den. What about that hole in the ground, which was part of the sewage works?

I think that works as a den better than this fucking log, which is ostensibly not even indoors. Tick it off. It looks like it was some enclosed indoor space. When I think of a den, I think of some enclosed indoor space. You are such a cunt, though. Anyway, look, I'm sorry.

What's the fucking other thing that we didn't do? Stop trying to move on. I'm trying to keep it... Porn. Porn. We didn't find any porn. That heart-shaped piece of plastic

that was once adorned a grave was the only thing we found. Yeah, great. So you're going to wank to something that was on a gravestone. How absolutely tragic. I didn't say I was going to wank to something that was on a gravestone how absolutely tragic i didn't say i was gonna wank to it i said it's the closest thing to porn we haven't found any no porn and we've looked i've kept an eye out there's no scraps of razzle no gentleman's weekly

no whatever it's called good uh indie group the scraps of razzle scraps of razzle and now with their latest number three hit it's scraps of razzle i put now with their latest number three hit, it's Scraps of Razzle. I put my jumper on, then I put it off. I duck my knob in your mouth. Come round here. Come round here. Right, I don't know where the episode's ending, but it's ending soon. Shut your face. Look, anyway, are you drunk?

I'm drunk. I know you're drunk, Paul. This has been the problem for me for two hours. I am. Can I just say I'm super horny as well? I don't give. I literally couldn't care about a fact less. Any fact in the whole universe of knowledge.

Than my horn? Yes. Why are you talking about my horn? Any single fact in the whole of the fucking macrocosmic universe. This is why we're never winning any awards for comedy. Because this is utter shit. And you're a shit man. I'm having a little self-inward facing moment are you fucking get up get up and walk

to north finchley with me and stop you know what that once i'll tell you a story once i tried to impress my friends by climbing a tree right and i climbed it so high so high the woods near the cabris factory positive note paul, can I just, on a positive note, Paul, sorry to interrupt again, but on a positive note, you were good on the swing. Yeah, well. We get that, we got that on the swing. I'm a swing master, it's on the video. Yeah, you didn't crush your arm or anything.

No, I didn't do nothing. I couldn't do it. I didn't whack it. It's just only because of my height that I couldn't do it. Yeah, and you were a coward. You're a challenge coward. Stop on that fucking button,

we'll see who's a coward. No, I want to talk about when I was in the woods. We'll see who's a fucking coward. I was 14. We're going to go face to face. I was 14. Go face to face. 14 and I climbed a high tree near the woods, near Cadbury's factory in the Wirral. A high tree, was it?

High tree. And then when I got to the top, I slipped and fell. I screamed, but I never hit the ground, Eli, because my jumper that I was wearing caught onto a branch and scraped a big scratch up my back and I hung there off that branch on my jumper, bleeding branch and scraped a big scratch up my back and I hung there off that branch on my jumper bleeding and all my friends ran away and there's a doggy woggy and that means someone's coming through oh I'm gonna have to tell my story in front of a person

so anyway I dangled there and I heard my friends run away and I dangled there for about half an hour 40 minutes until a parent came until a parent came and rescued me by getting a ladder and i just want to say that that was the most just like sad moment of my life i was dangling from a tree crying with blood trickling down my back that's all my friends all my friends ran off and then a parent had to come with a ladder and get me down and put ointment on my back i'll put some ointment on your back yeah you want to splash up my back yeah i'll splash up your back right now so i just want to say going to the woods for a lark is it's like you know i'm tackling demons

mate good i'm glad you've tackled a demon or two today paul but let me really so what's going on now let's walk to north finchley and go's walk to North Finchley and go home. Walk to North Finchley and go home. Please. So we're going to walk to North Finchley and go home, and that involves what? I mean, well, you need to walk to North Finchley. Yeah. And then...

Go home. Yeah, that's what it involves. I mean, it was a difficult question to answer in any other way than that. This episode went off the rails when we opened that can of fucking diamond white you opened it up until then we're having a merry waltz for the woods you know that you're a terrible drinker and a terrible drunk i'm holding this is why this is why i fundamentally believe drunk podcasts are fucking poisonous ideas and we're proving that point right now i know well i didn't you weren't the one who wanted to drink so much

I would be happy not to drink at all you made me I did you said before we started do you want to get the drinks ah right you get the drinks

you get the mellow mellow I did not do that did you get the I bought the mellow bird and I went no Eli I won't do that I bought the mellow corn

because I like mellow corn alright and we're drinking anyway because you said we're getting skull and stuff another fucking guy with a dog now what is it it's a public place that public park let me go please you're embarrassing me in front of people i'll embarrass you gate post you hold these crisps for me i'll hold your quavers i'm not going to put them in my bag why why won't you put

them in your bag that is open right now off you've thrown my you've you threw my crisps away like a like a prick like a drunken prick and i'm not talking to you this episode sorry i thought it'd be nice sunny day walk out and about have a lovely walk but it's become unpleasant hasn't it It's extremely warm and sticky here. It's all right. Okay, so we're going to wrap this up. Put the craters in your bag. Love.

Open your bag. No, I don't want your crisps. I don't care whether you want them. I'll get them back off you at North Fisher. Put them in your bag. I do not have them. You do. Why do you think I'm asking?

You do. I'm putting them in your bag. I'm not putting them in my bag. I'm not putting the craters in my bag. Putting them in your bag. You've got space in your bag. I do not have space in my bag. You do.

You've got, well, first of all, you've got my fucking power charger. Fucking put the crisps in your fucking bag now. I'm fucking taking them out of the fucking bag. No, stop. Just stop. Turn it off. You fucking idiot. Is this where it gets nasty?

Do you want me to beat you up? It doesn't get nasty now, no. I'm going to beat you up. Shut up. Just shut up and put your phone away.'m gonna cry stop have this did that whiskey hit you again it really did everything's going wrong everything is like i'm on a swing love love will keep us together you can do what you like i'm going with you because i'm frightened i can't go on my own. All right, let's go.

Listen, look, support us on Patreon if you want. Because I need help. What do you do, man? You fucking do. I've got, like, deep-seated psychological problems. Well, you just shouldn't drink. It's fine. Yeah, no, I shouldn't drink.

I'm not a drinky man. You're not a drinky man. Let's go for a little walk. Half an hour later, let's have one last smoke and then go home, all right? Fine. We'll do a proper sign-off in off in a bit but for now we're going to leave our swing area where we chilled out i don't think you want to do another sign off in a bit because each of these segments is ballooning i don't know how to end this episode that's all so i'm just saying no way we can end it we just let it sail off it's fine we've done that before have we

yeah just let it sail off mate. Here, there's the noise of a bird. Yeah, that's quite nice. Or we could do another bit, but what are you saying now? It's only a 20 minute walk up to, we'll do another bit up near North Finchley. Let's do it a bit just before we get to North Finchley, once we get to the Gleeblunds, alright? No, we're not going that way now. North Finchley is a different way from Gleeblunds. Why aren't we going the Gleeblunds way? Let's go the Gleeblunds way. aren't we going the Glebeilands way? Let's go the Glebeilands way.

I want to go the Glebeilands way. We'll talk to you all again when we get to the Glebeilands way. Greeblands. Greebles. I don't know if you've been recording, but I don't know. But hello. We were walking across the field and I fell over I fell off the monkey bars didn't I so anyway we're walking home we walk through the greeble park or whatever it's called oh there's

that mcdonald's that's fucking miles away no I'm not going to that mcdonald's is that the one that was there I think it might have suggested it that's terrible that's too far away for my liking fucking miles Jesus anyway hello we've walked over the Greeblunds we've walked over

the field and we're heading home now towards North Finstead we can get our buses home we've been talking for ages

but unfortunately I'm not quite sure if we recorded it so I'm just going to keep talking now and hope for the best Gleeblunds it's in Barnet Gleeblunds National Reserve we started in Haringey recorded it so I'm just going to keep talking now and hope for the best what Glebelein's it's in Barnet

Glebelein's nice reserve we started in Haringey but now we're in Barnet yep we started in Haringey now we're in Barnet we've crossed time zones to bring you this podcast

and we're walking down the side of a building what do you think this is is it a cinema or something I don't know it is a cinema a view or something I don't know

it is it looks fucking gnarly from the back there, doesn't it? It does look gnarly. We started at a lovely pastry. It's very post-modern.

It's a big... You could be in Blade Runner or something in this building, couldn't it, do you think? Yeah, could be. Something like that.

Look at this big vent. Big vent. Could be in Total Recall or something. Look at that vent. Get your arse to Mars. Look at these great big post-modern vents down here. I quite like it, actually.

Look, you could do a Duran Duran video. Yeah, wild boys. So we're just walking... Yeah, that'll be wild boys. Wild boys. Wild boys. So Eli and I are saying... What do you call this episode, Paul?

Wild boys. Wild boys. Maybe we'll call it wild boys. Yeah. Even though we've done nothing really wild Wild Boys Wild Boys Wild Boys

right so we're going to say goodbye thank you for coming with us on this journey today I've got a double scoop of laughing for you baby thank you for joining us

on this walk today I've been Paul Gannon that's Eli Silverman why did you do this vent have you got such a fucking huge vent out there shut up thank you for

joining us this week if you would like to support us on patreon after hearing this and thinking that's worthwhile you can

go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show give what you can but only if you can please we're just walking by the side of this

industrial park there's a wagga mommas yeah it's a view cinema it's confirmed it's a view a view cinema. It's confirmed. Yes. It's a view. Great venting on the view cinema. A view to a kill. Me going round was a view to a kill.

Yeah, that's how I remember it. So, we're going to sign off. No, I'm just a drug, Paul. We've walked past the Greeblins where the scary old lady was following us, doing some weird interpretive dance. We're heading up to the high road now. Oh, I know where we are.

Ah, and it all becomes clear. Wow, I didn't know. I used to live around here, and I didn't know this is that path that went there. There you go, mate. Oh, I know where we are. Oh, we can get the 263 all the way down. Oh, well, that's perked me up. Right, well, in that that case I think it's

a good enough as point so yeah we can get a bus stop up there let's do that then oh well lovely stuff oh lovely stuff oh can't you see love is a drug a drug for me oh you see Love is the drug for me Can't you see Right so Can't you see Can't you see It's not really what counts at all

Right so join us Next week for another studio bound edition Of Cheap Show Remember you can get tickets for the live show If you want to come to the live show That's happening August 13th Go to thecheapshow.co.uk or harrowarts.com and get your tickets there. It's going to be a great show. Tickets are selling fast so actually get them while you can. This is really where you get the bus mate. It was going on forever. There's no bus stop.

Mate we've been walking for fucking ever so let's just do the exit. It's right there. Our bus stop is right there. We'll use that as our end point, the bus stop, all right? Fine. Pizza Hut, then. Pizza Hut. There's a Pizza Hut, a food bank. There's a Hollywood Bowl.

You want to go take in a movie? I really don't, actually. Although I do fancy a fucking Pizza Hut. But I'm not going to go with it because the McDonald's... Anyway, look, thank you for supporting us. Thank you for enjoying this week as we walked in the woods as naughty boys. We'll see you next week. There's no fucking bus stop.

Take back care. I can't see the fucking bus stop. I just saw it. Where's the sign gone? Were you not recording before? I don't know. Jesus Christ. I'm going to presume I wasn't.

We're just going to take it from here. Can we please stop? Can we please? We're going to stop. There's no bus stop here. There was. I'm sure I saw a bus stop. Check the phone. Check your phone.

Right, well, okay, so bye, everyone. We're going to check my phone, and that's it. I'm sure I saw a bus stop. There's a bus stop on the other side. Yeah, so there must be one on this side. Maybe that was the one I saw, actually. Oh, God. Do you love me? Fuck off.

Right, I'll see you next week. Bye everyone. Bye. Say goodbye. Bye. Bye. We've been naughty boys. © BF-WATCH TV 2021