CheapShow - Ep 3: Bec Hill Gets BeanBoozled

Episode Date: June 22, 2015

Special Guest Bec Hill CheapShow Episode 3 is another instalment of the bargain basement podcast that celebrates the very best of the worst In this episode... Eli calls Paul a down on his luck IT salesman and Paul calls Eli an inside out Danny DeVito. Eli thinks he has the ultimate solution for all these leaked nude pictures. Paul and Ash Frith give us dire warnings about our own phone misadventures. The boys answers the age old questions, "What is worse... Incessant uncontrollable orgasms or over sized testicles?" Very special guest Bec Hill gets put through the wringer thanks to a very peculiar set of inappropriate questions from Eli. Eli picks probably one of the very worst singles ever for his vinyl selection and one that ends quickly... but not quickly enough. The boys introduce a new segment called the Price of Shite - which is like a charity shop version of Antiques Roadshow... But that quickly goes off the rails and eventually leads to Ash and Bec creating, mid show, their own spin off show where the hosts are lovely and nice to each other! Can You Imagine That??!?! Eli has a brief Pop Up Pirate make over. Eli and Paul are charged with creating an advert for Camden Town, which doesn't go well and leads to a hilarious and yet shocking confession from Bec! The highlight of the show is the "Jelly Belly BeanBoozled Challenge" where Paul, Eli and the rest of the packed Camden crowd take on a jelly bean eating competition where no one knows what nice or nasty flavour they are putting in their mouths... but quickly learn to regret it... However it's Eli to takes the brunt of the misery. Finally, Eli throws his weight around on the topic of Fizzy Drinks. He may be wrong, but he really doesn't care! Dare you listen? Should you listen? We'd like you to listen! So listen! Follow us on Twitter @thegeekatorium or @paulgannonshow or @elisnoid @ashfrith @thecheapshowpod Visit our lovely website for more podcasts (now inc. "Richard Sandling's Perfect Movie") at www.geekatorium.net as well as find out when YOU can come to our next recording. If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, join us on Facebook - just look for "The Geekatorium" or "CheapShow"! If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, share, comment... all that jazz! Subscribe to us on Stitcher or iTunes and get weekly geeky fun WARNING *Show contains strong language and adult material

Big round of applause, then I'm going to get going. Alright, good? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah?

Yeah? On my own doing that is awkward. Good. Okay, good. In that case, Mr DJ, will you play? Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to London's fragrant Camden town. This is Cheap Show. My name's Eli Silverman, and here's your other host.

It's Paul Gannon. My name is Paul Gannon, and that is Eli Silverman. We begin the show by describing each other in the way we seem fit. So, Eli, how would you describe me? Paul, you have the demeanour of an IT salesman in a business park in Milton Keynes who's having a bacon sandwich and realising that he's never going to sell his five year out of date IT package to the drainage company. That's your demeanour. Right. Is that all you've got?

That's all I've got. You just called me an IT executive. No, a down at heel one. Oh, I'm sorry. Contemplating the meaninglessness of your failing career. Thank you. In that case, it's my turn to introduce you. If I had to

describe Eli, imagine taking the actor Danny DeVito, grabbing him by his sphincter and pulling hard so he became inside out. Then take that inside out Danny DeVito, roll him in dirt and hair and that is Eli Silverman.

Thank you. I had another one as well. Go for it. Eli Silverman, wank sock. Oh, yeah, see? There's some sympathy for wank sock. Well, did anyone really have a... I'm going to call you wank sock for the rest of the night.

At least I'm a cuddly wank sock. Yeah, you see? She'd cuddle it. Who the hell says, oh, it's a cuddly wank sock? Someone who likes wank socks. You know, it's a bit crispy at first, but once you break it up a bit,

it gets... What? Thank you for not only lowering the tone... What? You didn't understand what he meant by wank sock? He thought it was just some kind of... Anyway, fucking what's next? Fuck you. Right, right good well i do you want to know what happened in my week should i tell you what happened in my week yeah please what happened okay well uh first of

all i had an interesting time because back in the day i used to have pen pals uh i met these two guys who were identical twins but they were separated at quite a young age and one went to live in spain he his name was juan and then uh his other twin went to egypt where uh he became a guy called amal right and this is going to be painful go with it um this happened this week yeah it happened this week because this is where it came to an up see after a while i've been writing to them but i didn't know what they looked like so uh i got an email and in it juan we're getting there calm down, sent me a picture of himself. And then he said, do you want a picture of my brother?

And I was like, no, because if you see Juan, you've seen Amal. What? Boom! Yeah, you know, Paul, when I said, please tell me about your week, I meant, please don't. Please don't. Please stop. Please no more. Please.

You're just sitting on the mic, and I don't want that to pick up your arse sounds. Is this really something that happened? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So yeah, I found out this week that my herb garden is very, very valuable. Do you want to know why? Why? It's near mint. 86 of these to go.

86 of these to go. That doesn't even work. It's not near mint. Mint comprises part of it. Anyway. I don't even know. Fucking think it through, mate. All right, well, the final thing is,

a friend of mine came up with a new app for a smartphone. I'm not a big fan of it. It's a bit dodgy. Because, you know, there's like Tinder for dating, or for sex on the fly. Or if you're gay, there's Grindr. There's one for kiddie fiddlers now. It's called Toddler. Like Tinder for dating or for sex on the fly. Or if you're gay, there's Grindr. Yeah. There's one for kiddie fiddlers now.

It's called Toddler. Should have started with that one. That's it. That all happened in my week. It really did. Oh, good. What happened in your week then? Oh, actually, it's funny you say that because, you know,

usually I haven't got much going on, you know. No, you never do. But this week was really different. I was just in a bar, just some bar I? Because, you know, usually I haven't got much going on, you know. No, you never do. But this week was really different. I was just in a bar, just some bar I hadn't, you know, frequented on Monday. And I just got talking to this guy. And it turns out he's, like, in charge of doing the pilots, the pilot season in... Oh, on TV. On TV in America.

Oh, okay. So he goes, you look great, mate. You look just like this sort of short character we need for this big crime drama they're doing. Oh, wow. I'm just going to fly you over there. I'm going to fly you over there. So on Tuesday morning, I'm on a plane. This first class.

Yeah. Yeah. And then this, I don't know what it was. I must have been exuding confidence or something. But the stewardess. Yeah. She gives me a number, oh she's like do you want to join the mile high club okay so i fucking did oh yeah yeah i've never had sex for so long i've

never held it off for so long i was a fucking beast in there it was crazy and then she gave me money what she just gave me money she said i'm all right for money have some money and cocaine she gave me coke and money and then i I landed in LA. I fucking totally nailed this audition. And then I met Spielberg. That's impressive. He bought me a coffee. I called him Steve now. Stevie. Just to quantify. That really happened? No. Right. Okay, good. What actually happened?

Wanked into a sock. Right. Okay, good. What actually happened? I wanked into a sock. Right, okay, good. Welcome to the show, everybody. Hello! So, we're going to start off by... We do a thing in the show, because we're not really satirical. I certainly don't like reading the news, because it's... What's the word? Depressing. But you're a bit more well-read than I am, you tend to say, don't you?

I follow the news, yes. So we do a little game called Blunt Force Satire, where we just throw out some recent news stories, and Eli gives us pithy, short, blunt force satire responses. So are you ready, Mr. Silverman? I'm ready. Okay, Blunt Force Satire number one. The Queen purred after hearing of the referendum result.

You see, that was misreported. The Queen purred after Prince Philip gave her a saucer of milk. And a fish with the head still on. She just happened to be on the phone to David Cameron at the time. And was purrrrrfect. Right, that wasn't your best one. Let's go for number two. Blunt Force satire number two. Female celebrity nude pics leaked.

Right, I've got the solution to all of this. Go on. Everyone, right, when they reach puberty, oh, after puberty, I haven't thought it through, but when they...

Please do think it through. Every single person when they've reached sexual maturity... God. ...has a full set taken. Right? It's a standard.

Just for the record, the toddler gag didn't go that well, so just tread carefully. Look, I said when they've reached sexual maturity all right good good good there can be no misunderstanding there okay good that a full set is taken of your nudes and they're put online everyone's equal come on everyone be free and then there'll be nothing it'd be like oh i've got you know this is a celeb, there's her nude shots. Big fucking deal. Oh, I met this girl, there's her nude shots.

Oh, you know, Mr. Patel at the shop, I've got his nude shots. Okay. Anybody, you just have their nudes. Fine. Would you do that?

Of course I fucking would. It'd be law. It'd be like a conscription. You've reached sexual maturity. Right. You've reached sexual maturity, Eli. Happy birthday. The photographer's coming round.

Fucking hell. The photographer's coming round. Seriously, that's like the worst bar mitzvah you could imagine, isn't it? Hey, you're a man. Show us your cock. Right, okay, last one. 1.4 million. This is going to be funny.

You'll get a good one for this. 1.4 million will be affected by Ebola by January. Make us laugh. Ebola-Cola. That was a proper groan. That's all I got. That's all I got. Ash, did you get something better?

Let's introduce Ash on right now. Ladies and gentlemen, we call him our basic third member of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome on the stage the fantastic Ash Thrift. Everybody, round of applause for that man. Thank you for having us here. I've come on at the point where I said to you a moment ago, one thing I didn't get anything about was the Ebola. And you went, gash on for this bit.

No, anything to add? You know, the whole Queen thing? No, I had, this is awful for you to imagine, but I... Look, after what he said, you're flying safe, my friend. I took a picture of my own cock and balls. Genuinely true. And this is why I know I'm meant to be a stand-up, despite the evidence.

To the contrary. I text that to my mum. And did you start sexting her? No, I didn't start sexting her. I mentioned it to Melissa. Oh, okay. Mum. But the worst thing is, I think if you receive a picture of your

adult child's erect cock and ball, well, cock mainly, I wouldn't respond with, I don't think this was meant for me. Right. Fair enough. I did something similar-esque in that I was dating this girl for a while,

her name was Mary, and Mary was a nice girl, but when she was... Quite contrary, though. Yeah, she was. Nice. It's not as easy as it fucking looks, is it it Ash? Yeah So

I would mean I love Mary to bits But unfortunately When she drank She drank hardcore And it was kind of really hard It's like she lost those lambs Right that's it

Okay everyone You've seen That's his first fake walkout Of the night And let that be his only one I want you to boo If he does that again Okay

Fucking hell That's a bit harsh Well You need to be disciplined. Ooh, is that with the strap on, like the woman said earlier? I wouldn't need a strap on to discipline you, my friend. And the line is drawn.

So, I was dating this girl called Mary. She was a good big drinker, and so when we went out socially, it was really hard to kind of enjoy the night, because it was a lot of hard work looking after her. And after about a few months of dating her, it got to that point where i wasn't enjoying it anymore and we were at a big party and it all went a bit south she got really drunk i had to take her home there's a party going on somewhere else and they were like where are you where are you and i was like i'm

still with mary i'm sorry anyway cut long story short we have awful sex and then she falls asleep and starts snoring like she's using a buzz saw to cut down a tree right and i'm lying there going i can't sleep this is horrible i'm missing out on all the fun so i sent him i sent a text to my mate and i went i can't fucking deal with this she's pissing me off i'm fucking sick of her drinking she's a menace i'm tired i'm gonna dump her send now i sent it to a guy called mark it's a similar story isn't it and the next morning, I wake up and Mary's standing over me with her phone. And I'm like, what's going on? And I look. And I'd sent the text to her instead of Mark.

But what makes it worse was it was her birthday. Happy birthday, Mary. Happy birthday, Mary. Wherever you are. Okay, cool. So we're going to go on to the main story now for the day. This is the main news story that we can all talk about. Have you heard of the story,

it's a TV show in America that reported on this this week, of a man who orgasms 100 times a day? Doesn't sound as fun as you think. Although, I think, sorry to interrupt, but I think... Oh, no, go ahead and interrupt. By all means, interrupt. Being a stand-up and having quite a lot of spare time, I reckon I've beaten that.

Yeah, but he has no choice. Got to be in Hereford first eight. That's a five-hour drive. It's 11 now. You drive and wank. No, I'm not. How do you change gear?

I get some. All right, fair enough. Got the other guy to do that. Seriously, by the age of 68, you're just blowing dust on you at that point. Anyway, let me get on with the story. So this is the guy. His name is Dale Decker,

which, to be honest, sounds like a porn star. Hey, I'm Dale Decker. Dale Decker is a man who says he orgasms in his pants over 100 times a day. Wait, wait, wait. It happened because he basically slipped the disc a few years ago and it gave him a very rare condition called persistent genital

arousal disorder. And he has this wonderful quote that kind of goes into the horror of his affliction where he says imagine being on your knees at your father's funeral beside his casket saying goodbye to him and then having nine orgasms right there.

You see? You laugh. it's one of those laughs of pure horror it is it's like it's so bad oh imagine parent teacher sports day just every just every day imagine every day waiting in line at the bank and every now and then you just go oh that is the one time it might be an improvement on the situation yeah so yeah so he must spend so much on socks man they it's just like yeah and toffee hammers to beat them i said there is a cure for that though there is a cure for that is there a cure yeah you can marry my ex-wife oh my mother-in-law should i cut that bit out of the podcast? Nah, fucker. Yay! Hatred. So,

so good. So that was the story. Eli didn't find it at all amusing, did you? I just think it really sounds like it'd be proper horrific, you know?

It'd be red raw, wouldn't you? It'd be awful. Well, the thing is you don't stimulate yourself, it just happens automatically. What does that mean you've got a bonk on?

He's got a bonk on the whole time and it's squirting spudge. Spudge. I'd like to say at this point if anyone came to the show thinking they're going to get

highbrow comedy material You got spudged. I'm going to call this episode Wank Sock. It'd be like you remember the film Ghostbusters? Of course I do.

And you know when Slimer slimes Ray? Yeah. That'd be every morning when he woke up. Yeah. It's like a spooky ghost came in and, ugh. That old chestnut.

He slimed. Yeah, he slimed. You know, humour, it's a balance, isn't it, of pathos and bathos. Pathos and what? Bathos. Bathos? Yes. What's bathos?

It's a place in Greece. Oh, thank you. Wasted. Waterly wasted. It's a place in Greece. Ah, thank you. Wasted. Waterly wasted.

I think the pathos is really in danger of overwhelming the pathos in that story. It's the whole thing about TV. Anyone? Anyone with me? No, they all think it's funny as fuck. Especially the funeral bit, which seems to strike a chord. It's awful. It is awful. The whole thing I don't like about it is TV obviously making documentaries and putting it online and making it lurid so people like us can make fun.

It's like that guy who had like what was it a hundred pound scrotum or whatever it was you know he had massive testicles

and he had to literally is that like million pound baby yes except less tragic at the end mate I'd want more

than a hundred pounds for my scrotum I tell you it's not worth it no it's not the cost you can want all you like you're not getting it yeah

that wouldn't work on Antiques Roadshow. What have you brought for us? And what do you think it's worth? Well, I can see it's not been used much at all. There's some damage around the edge of it. You know, it's worn. It looks like a crow's beak on top of two tennis balls.

Well, we're learning all about you today, aren't we? How much fluid would you have to take on just to be able to keep producing that amount of liquid well I don't know

I don't think it is no I think it's he must run out of spunk but it's it's the actual sensation of orgasming all the time

you know what I mean it's like I don't know if it's fine then oh it's alright what a load of fuss oh good

I thought it was sweat did anyone see the guy with two penises? Now that'd be all right. Oh, you can laugh at two penises. That's all right, though.

He was okay. You can only laugh at two penises. Yeah, true. But not if you're the, I don't know. He had a sort of, his penis was a bit

like a snake's tongue. Diphyllactic. Yes, diphyllactic cock. But he seemed quite happy with that. Yeah. You know, see, he's a freak. He's likehyllactic cock. But he seemed quite happy with that. Yeah. You know? See, he's a freak.

He's like a space hopper. If only he had big balls and two penises to go, ba-ba-ba-da-ba-da, bouncing around. Have we got anything that's not about genitals? Anything? Have you got any material that's not about genitals? One sec. No.

What we do have is our special guest of the evening about to come up with that ball talk I'm so sorry it's not all wine and biscuits we have a special guest

coming on the show tonight a big fan of hers she's exploding up all over the scene not in that way Mr. Silverman I didn't say anything I know

and we're lucky to have her on the show tonight so can you please start your amazing round of applause for our fantastic guest tonight Beck Hill, everybody.

Thanks. Oh, God. So what we thought we'd do tonight is just because, you know, maybe people don't know who you are or the interesting parts of your life. And so Eli and I have decided we'll just give a little interview, get some details out of you. Do you know what? With me being the only one on this couch in these bright lights,

I do feel like I'm about to get interrogated. Well, maybe you are. We'll see. Sorry? Here we go. Come on, we can all sit on the couch. Let's relax. Have you ever been to one of those house parties

where you're the only one sitting on the couch and everyone's standing around? No. Or loose. Sorry. I'm always dancing and talking to people, drinking and throwing up and having a fight. Never being invited back to the party. Baking something. Baking a cake.

I want to go to your house. I can get really pissed, do some cookies. Fuck, I'm great. Me? Brilliant. Okay, so we're going to start the interview now. Question number one. Do you like Game of Thrones?

I refuse to watch it because everyone gets addicted to it, and I do not have time for that. Yeah, I don't like it. No, I don't like it either. All right, question two, Eli. Marmite versus Vegemite. Which one? Which one?

Which one are you for? Which one do you like? I don't know. Okay, this is going to be controversial. Oh, we like that. As an Australian, can't tell the difference. No, they can't. They're both great.

I love them both. I can take either. Oh, well, I'm going to edit that and make it sound really dodgy. Good. So what? You're indifferent towards both spreads? No, I like both of them. Okay.

Yeah, yeah. You haven't broken the cardinal rule, have you? No. Of either hating it or loving it. Because that's the Marmite rule, isn't it? They all want us to believe. They all want us to believe that. I'm indifferent. It's all right.

Just out of interest, let's do an audience poll. Give me a cheer if you like Marmite. Marmite. Give me a cheer if you like Marmite. Give me a cheer if you like Vegemite. Yeah. Really likes it. Here's a hint. If you cheered at

Marmite, you would probably cheer at Vegemite. It's just a little... No, it's true. Let's calm this down before it all gets a little bit serious. Who's indifferent? even the indifference was indifferent alright next question from Eli I believe

you're engaged yeah yes okay your question Paul next question what is your favourite hot meal pizza yeah mine's not Next question. What is your favourite hot meal? Pizza. Yeah, mine's not. Okay, next question, Eli.

So your fiancé, what's so good about him? Mate. Have you seen that? He's showing a muscle, by the way, to the listeners at home. That's rock hard. That's rock hard, that is. Again, a muscle to the listeners at home. That's rock hard. That's rock hard, that is.

Again, a muscle to the listeners at home. I've got no more questions. Right. Okay, next question. Next question. Have you seen Back to the Future? Yes. Yes, so have I, so.

Don't have to come in here with all that. Eli, I've got a question. So you think it's going to happen, then, the marriage? Yeah. All right, fine. Yeah? No further questions. We want to have a Back to the Future themed wedding.

Oh, do you? We genuinely do. We want to have an enchantment under the sea reception. That is pretty sweet. And you're going to get picked up in a DeLorean. I would like that very much. That would be so cool. That would be so cool. That would be so cool.

Make sure you don't get the secret cinema thing and have to call it off at the last minute. Have to, I'm not trying to fix your mum either. Yeah,

you need to be on mic for those witty comments otherwise it's just mumble mumble laughter. What was that? It was really funny though. Ash,

for listeners, Ash just made a really funny joke. He totally owned this. Awesome. He just made another one. joke. He totally owned this. Awesome. He just made another one. I was on a roll. Wish you guys were here.

Next question. It's an interesting one. Do you believe in Big Papa Hamster? No, Paul. What? What? We weren't going to do the Big Papa Hamster thing. Why not?

Because he's not real. No, he is real. He's not... Come on, everyone. Give me a cheer if you've heard of Big Papa Hamster. This is what I've been trying to fucking tell you, man. I thought everyone heard of it. No.

Well, then who comes into my room when I was eight and touched me? Because my uncle said it was Big Papa Hamster. It wasn't Big Papa. I'm trying to get the whole room to leave. It's easy for the people listening who can just stop. So you've never had that? No. No?

I'm going to edit that out. All right, okay. Ash just made another really good joke. What was your gag? No. No, it's once in a lifetime. Can you just say some witty things out of context and I'll edit them in at a later date?

I don't think so now. Hang on. I don't think so now. Yeah, not worth it. Last question, a bit frivolous. ISIS, how would you deal with that crisis? That's my favourite sentence ever. Oh, I was thinking Big Papa Hamster might have ranked pretty highly.

That should be the first line of your new rap album as Big Papa Hamster. Oh, ISIS, how would you handle that crisis? I've got ISIS, they're lollies, I'm going to eat my lolly. Eli, you do look like a big papa hamster. I could do big papa hamster, man. Just for reference. Has he got £100 nuts? Big papa hamster.

Does that mean you're going to come into my room and touch me as well? Come and ride on big papa's wheel. I've got straw. You are the worst rapper. I feel like this is a trailer for Noel Fielding's next show. No, because we've got, for context, in our next show, we've got Eggsy from Goldie Looking Chain coming along, right? Rapper. We're going to do a wrap off. And if that's your standard, we might be in trouble. And do you have any questions for me and Eli?

Why? It's a very good question, Eli, isn't it? Yeah. That was the Beck Hill interview. Thank you. So now Beck is on stage. He cannot leave. And so we're going to carry on with the next part of the show.

Now, this is a part of the show which we like to call Eli's Vinyl Selection. I DJ a bit, but I also like picking up very awful records, because there were a lot of those. Actually, more than the good ones, if you think about it. And this one is extremely awful. Does anyone remember Rab C. Nesbitt? Yeah, that was a good show. That was just the people over 30 who went, oh, God, I'm old. For everyone else, it was a good show That was just the people over 30 For everyone else, it was a show

It was a comedy show Featuring a sort of Scottish Ne'er-do-well An alcoholic Scottish guy And he's called Rabsy Nesbitt It was a sitcom Anyway, I found this It's Rabsy Nesbitt Fan Club

Chips a Chronic Now, it's referencing It's a pastody Nesbitt Fan Club, Chips-o-Chronic. Now, it's referencing, it's a pastiche of a song called Technotronic. Let's give them a sample of it. This beat is, this beat is, this beat is Technotronic. Uh-huh. Like that, just like that. Almost as good as that. So what we're going to do is we're going to play it, but we have to point out something.

This is fucking awful. So it's going to play until everyone in the room has put their hands up, and it won't stop until everyone has put their hands up. No, mate, you haven't heard it. You haven't heard it yet. You might love it. I would keep your hand up, sir, to be honest with you at this point. Are you ready to play?

Yes. Here we go. Venmo, give us your hands. She fancy going to the disco. No, I fancy some chips. Disco chips. These chips, these chips, these chips, chips are chronic. These chips, chips are chronic.

No soul and better get on it. Ash is first. These chips, these chips, these chips are chronic. Oh, we've got two hands, three. These chips, chips are chronic. We've got them hands, three. We've got them going up quickly. This side of the room love it.

They love it. They love this. It's a younger crowd, but yeah, they're into the dance music. You know. Hoppity. Yeah. All right. Good. The Chinese chip chop.

Yeah, no, turn it off. I knew it. Turn it off. Let's go down the chinkie. Sorry. Let's go down the chinkie. The chinkie. Turn it off.

The chinkie. The needle. I'm sorry about that, everyone. So there we go. Chips are tronic. Chips are chronic. You won't find that on YouTube. Or anywhere else other than your hovel

How much did that cost you? I think it was about 25p I think you spent 25p too much Anyone else, did you like that Ash? Did you enjoy it? I did not enjoy the racial undertones And what particular racial undertone Were you getting at?

No, the band, the racial undertones They were really good And Beck, what would you rate that out of? particular racial undertone were you getting at? No, the band. The racial under... Alright, okay. They were really good. And Beck, what would you rate that out of five? It was a five until the lyrics kicked in. Yeah. It was all jolly little... It was about

one or two when I was like, I do like chips. And then it went on and I was like, no. And then it just all got a little bit kind of, ooh. Yeah. So yeah, good. So more of that to come next time? Oh yeah, I've got loads

of really awful stuff. I've got two Smurf records. Two Smurf records. Someone went, ooh. Who said that? Oh, it was him. Oh, the one who had his hat. You like Smurf, do you?

You don't like mildly racist comedy records from the early 90s, but you like Smurf records. I don't blame you. I would rather err on the side of Smurf than outright illiterate hatred of race. I think that's fair, right? To be fair, under this light, everyone here looks like a fan of the Smurfs.

Yeah. We're in our venue, the Camden Head Pub in Camden, and they're turning it slowly into the Camden Comedy Club. And what they've done so far is added a red light shop sign to the top. Instead of getting extra good lights to light the stage. No, they just got neon blue. So every time you're on stage, you look like you should be performing a ping pong ball trick.

Yeah, or that you're in a toilet where you're trying to shoot up but can't find a vein. We've all been there. Is that why they put blue lights in the toilet? Apparently. Yeah, I thought it was because it made your cocaine disappear. What, the blue light?

Yeah, you can't find the coke. You know too much about... No, but it makes much more sense. You can't find the vein. The vein. You can't find the vein. Well, if nothing else, you've all learned something tonight. If you're ever at a toilet and you want to shoot up some heroin No, but it makes much more sense. You can't find the vein. You can't find the vein. Well, if nothing else, you've all learned something tonight.

If you're ever at a toilet and you want to shoot up some heroin, make sure it's not blue. Yeah, just stay away from that. Just do it on the street. Maybe don't do drugs should be the moral of this. Yeah.

Yeah. Thanks, Ash. Ash just made another great joke. Just say it and we'll cut it back in. I said good point. Paul, it doesn't work if you actually let him say something. We have to allude to the fact that everyone who's listening is missing out and then should come and see it live.

Good point. I think there's a line. What was that? What did you say? I said good point. It was a good point. Yeah, it was all right. Yeah, that doesn What did you say? I said, good point. It was a good point. Yeah, it was all right. Yeah, that doesn't work at all.

You're right. I stand corrected. Right, next part of the show is a new section we call The Price of Shite. Because what I like to do is hang around charity shops and go fishing for bargains. And what we thought we'd do is make a game out of it. So I've bought three things from charity shops. And Eli is mainly the focus for this. You're going to see all three of them.

Okay. Evaluate them accordingly. And then we're going to see if you can guess the price. See if the audience can get better. Okay. You ready? I'm up for this. You ready for the first one?

Yes. It's this one. Okay. I bought this from a charity shop in Wood Green. It comes wrapped. Is it a toilet roll? Yes, it's a toilet roll. Yes, it's a toilet roll.

Oh, it's a tankard. It is this tankard with a glass bottom. Can you see? Like a terrible boxer. Yes. Glass jaw. Glass jaw, yeah. What kind of boxing do you go to

when they're punching them on the arse cheeks? I think it'd be a sumo to have a glass bottom. Yeah. Either way, you've got this. Do you want to check it out? No. Either way, it's not funny. But you see, the problem is, Paul.

Yeah. It's called the price of shite. You've left the price on this. Oh, shit. I haven't seen it. No, we haven't seen it. So, kind of an oversight there. Edit point.

How much do you think this is? £1.50. Fucking hell. Was it £1.50? That's your freebie. Thank you. We'll just put that there. Now, you're wondering why...

This is at home. It's a telescope. It's not a telescope. It's a fat telescope. That'd be a cool telescope. Or you could drink and see for miles. It's a beer goggle, isn't it? Yeah.

Oh, it's good. Oh, firing on all cylinders tonight, Silverman. Sorry. Well, you know, you fill it with vodka.

Again. Drink the vodka out of it, then look through it at women. No, I'm pissed. You look good. I've got my beer goggle on.

Anyone want some? No, no. I don't think the problem is that you're the one who's not drunk enough. No, you're right. That's never the problem.

Now, do you know why they have glass bottoms on these? Does anyone know? There's a... Yes, well done. So what was your name? James. Congratulations, James. Why is that?

It's got... Basically, the idea was... It's a myth. I don't think it's particularly true but the idea was they would when you'd be press ganged

into joining the navy and stuff ye olde days oh yeah and what they'd do to do that was they'd drop a penny into your drink and then when you got

to the bottom of the drink you'd see the penny and basically the subscription kicked in however they invented these so you could see them in advance and leave a little bit of the drink and then just move away from it

that's basically right so you look underneath see if there's a penny there. Yeah, and then you go, there's a penny in there. You go, I'm not having that, mate. I'm not having that. I'm not going to get scurvy on your boat.

That's that. Oh, yeah. Now, this is obviously a modern knockoff, but it still contains booze. And rather than glass, it is plastic. So how much do you think that's worth? Add a guess.

Ash, how much do you think it's worth? How much do you think, Ash? I know that it costs £1.50. Well, how much do you think it costs? you think Ash I know that it costs £1.50 But how much do you think it costs About £15,000 Yeah about that Can we auction it off

tonight Yes we can auction it off Does anyone want to pay more than £1.50 for it Yeah well if you know that you've been ripped off We're just going to put that there for now

So that's item number one Okay That's your freebie one because you've got that one That's not bad I mean you know It's not useless It's a functional object

that I would be happy. There's an inscription. Oh, no. It says, don't play the racist record. Right. Here's the next one. It is a little figurine from the Cute Animal Club. Okay.

It's one of many teddy bears. We're going to just pull it out now. You've got all new stuff. I thought you were going to buy some. This is all crap from charity shops. Oh, I like this. There we go. Look at that. It's a little teddy bear with hats and stuff.

You can have a quick look at that. There's no price on it, Ash. Don't you even... Is there a price? No, there's no price. That is truly grotesque. Yeah. You could put that on a cake. Yes, you could put that on a cake. Is there price? No, there's no price. That is truly grotesque. Yeah? You could put that on a cake.

Yes, you could put that on a cake. You could put it on a mantelpiece. Or a mantelpiece. If you saw that on someone's mantelpiece, the date would be over, really, wouldn't it? You know what I mean? It's one of those objects. Certainly if you're sitting in the corner pissed with a glass against your eye saying, All right, darling.

Do you want to look at my teddy bear? That's one of the objects that would really put me off yeah yeah that's the only thing that would put you off yeah all right fair enough so there we go that's your second thing now how much you think that cost i think it's probably probably because there's some craftsmanship there isn't there there? They've detailed the hair on these teddy bears. A lot of love gone into it. There's two tones on the hair. There's a yellow tone and a brown tone. They've done the eyes well.

There's quite a lot of detail. Yes. You've expressed the detail quite well. I'd say two pounds. Oh, two pounds. You're off a good two pounds. Ash, two pounds. You're off a go for two pounds. Ash, what do you think? There's an inscription.

As long as it doesn't say one pound fifty, we're all right. It says, don't do the bit about the hamster. All right, okay, good. Well, I didn't know I bought psychic things

for the show. That pre-empted my awfulness. But yeah, go for it. So how much do you think it... How much would you say? About 15 grand yeah close enough thanks for putting the effort in

alright and Beck finally what would you say to this lovely piece of objet d'art I'm going to go 50p oh 50p so 50p 15,000 pound or

2 pounds 2 pounds okay and now the final one just put that down there the final don't drink it Don't drink it. Don't drink it. It's got the teddy bear in it.

You'll be subscribed to the teddy bear's picnic if you drink that. They'll get you. Yeah, you have to go to the picnic. Yeah, if you see one of those. If you see that. Oh, no. Oh, what have I done? If you join, you'll have to bear arms.

Nice. Excellent work. Right, the final object tonight. That was good It's a big one It was better than yours The whole mint thing didn't work Let it go

Alright, sorry Take a tip from the Frozen people Let it go Okay Right, last one tonight The Frozen people Yeah, the Disney film Frozen Let it go

Thank you, girl knows Disney princess, oh yeah No, you don't have kids. Right, I bet you looked after a child or have a child. Oh, let's see if he can dig himself out of this one. Go on. Go on. Help me out here.

You look like you might have grandchildren. So yeah, you're drunk looking through a glass and shouting, you look like old enough to have kids, love. Go on. I'm truly sorry. Just one question, just one question. Yeah? Columbine.

Just one more question. The reason that you know that song, is it because you've watched the film by yourself? Is it because you've watched it with children? Yes! Eat me! So my point fucking works, doesn't it? I'm not a weirdo. are you've what you don't

have kids you don't look after kids what are you doing watching a kid's film you fucking freak you fucking little weird freak fuck you i was right what's the next bit come on ah shave me thank you thank you very much yeah you were with kids. That's why. You enjoyed the film. Look, you've traumatised her. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. You came thinking you were going to get a nice little

bit of entertainment, but no. You got basically hounded by a short-haired monster about your Disney affliction. I think there's nothing wrong with Disney films. Madam, thank you. Your bit's over. We won't be needing any more comments from you. Sorry, was that a mic drop to someone who's in the audience having a lovely time? Thanks for coming.

I'm sorry. What's the third piece of show? The last one tonight. It's a big one. It is... Have you kept the price on it as well? Yeah, but I'll turn it back. It is this Tomy Pop-Up Pirate toy.

Oh, yes! Can we play? Yeah, why not take 15 minutes to play this game? It's got a little barrel. Oh, you stick the swords in. It's not even been opened! Oh, my God. That raises the value to around £15,000.

Mint in box. Near mint. It's near mint. No, that still doesn't work. I hate you all. Right, so you've got this and the idea is a little plastic barrel with a pirate in and you take turns to stick your daggers in. I think we have to play it.

Shall we play it? All right. Okay, I'm going to hold it. Who wants to stick the first dagger in? Beck. Beck's going to put it in Now, let's hope this happens quickly Otherwise it's going to be 50 minutes of people sticking plastic into plastic

And that's not fun entertainment One, all the way in I've gone red Red Eli, should we give it round to the audience? Yeah Get in there Oh, okay, take the bag Eli

We're going to see who wants to have a go Dom, Dom wants to stick his dagger in Oh, who wants to try and stick a Dom. Dom wants to stick his dagger in. Oh, who wants to try and stick a dagger in? You want it, don't you? Stick it in. Push it in. Oh, all the way.

There we go. Is there a new pop-up pirate where it's a Somalian? All the way in. You've got to push it in. Oh, no. Here we go. Here you go. I think it's defective.

No, I've tested it. It works. Go on to the back. Hey, Ash, what's the most pirate letter? I think it's defective. No, I've tested it. It works. Go on to the back. Hey, Ash, what's the most pirate letter? I don't know, Beck. What is the most pirate letter? It's P, because it looks like an R, but it's missing a leg. Yay! Keep the guys going while we do this.

See, that's quality. Shut up. That's quality. Shut up. Right, next one. You know, I used to be addicted to dressing like a pirate, but I'm trying to quit. I'm wearing a patch.

Yay! So, Eli, follow me, follow me. I'm going to have to put the mic down because there's no leg. There's no leg. If you guys have got any more pirate jokes, just to cover us. Ash, it's our show now. I feel like we'd raise the tone too high if we got him up. Hello and welcome to Beck and Ash's The Clicables.

The Clicables! Oh, what have you done in your clique? Non-clique. I had a really lovely week. You look nice today. Thanks. I have got no offensive or paedophile jokes. No, neither have I, because I know that that would turn a crowd against us.

Yay, we're all having fun. It hasn't gone off yet. How many of these have we got? You know what? Fuck this. Fuck that. Give me the daggers. Come on, Paul.

Kill the pirate. Oh! Oh! Come on Paul, kill the pirate Now that's actually quite a quality piece I'd say it was worth around £15,000 I like that, I like him The pirate's good, good looking He's grown his beard into the...

Here we go. Sorry. He's grown his beard into the shape of an eyepatch. He's multitasking with his facial hair there. Stand up, Eli. Stand up. There we go. I think the resemblance is uncanny.

I would have done a flagon, because I don't know. I'm with the flagon. Who wants to stick some daggers in him? Oh, no, he's popped up. That's the orgasm syndrome thing again, I think. All right, good. So, you've got the pop-up pirate toy. You've got the tankard.

And just like the pirate and you, it can't stand up after a few drinks. All right. Oh, that really is bad. Shut your face. You've got... Arr. Now, I just wanted to say that.

Right, so you've got the... You've got to guess the prices of the £1.50 tankard, the little teddy bear sit-down... Which I've said £2. I've said £2 for that. Okay, and then you've got the pop-up pirate toy. How much altogether do you think that's worth? What? All three.

Shut your face, Ash. I know where you're going. What? All three? All three altogether. How much do you think? Why? Why is that interesting?

Because then you've got the weirdest rules for your games. Why do we always have to meet naked? I would have liked to have been in the meeting when they pitched Pop-Up Pirate. All right, so it's a pirate, and then the kids put him in a barrel. Why is he in a barrel? Yeah, exactly.

Why is he in a barrel? Well, it's funny you should ask that. He's hiding, and we're trying to terrorise him. So we give the children knives. He should be called Bully and then Stab a Pirate. So, Eli, how much do you think that tankard is? £1.50. How much do you think the little figurine is?

£2. £2. That's £3.50 altogether. How much is the Pop-Up Pirate? I think it's got to be three pounds. I mean, it's got all the parts there. It's not secondhand. It's a new game.

It's in high quality polyurethane. You know? Okay. Is that polyurethane? Yes. That's the popping stuff. Oh, yeah. That stuff's been popped.

So now it's lost some of its value for me. £14,000. Stuff's been popped, so now it's lost some of its value for me. £14,000. So I'm saying altogether, £150,000 plus two, £350,000 plus three. £650,000. £650,000 altogether. £650,000.

Ash, don't say £15,000. If I was genuinely, honestly, valuing this, because I have done a bit of charity auctioneering. Right. Genuinely, that's true. I would genuinely say, so, what, £1.50. We know that one. So, I'd say £2.

I'm going to say, genuinely, I reckon about £15,000. Close? Yeah, and Beck, finally, what would you like to chip in? I'm going to realistically go for £5 for the lot. £5 for the lot, okay. I'll give you £5 for that. Audience, we're going to go with Eli's basis,

which you said was £6.50. Do you think it's higher or lower than £6.50? Higher or lower? Give us a chip. Lower. Lower. Lower, higher. Sorry, I got the Brucey.

Okay. You've got the Brucey. I've got the Brucey. Sure. He's presenting,y. Okay. You've got the Brucey. I've got the Brucey. Sure. He's presenting. Right. Okay. Here's the actual price.

Oh, I'm wetting myself in anticipation. That's the drink. All right. Okay. £1.50 for the tankard. The price of the little figurine, 75p. I was going to say that. Price. This is going to say that. Price.

This is 14,000. Nice. This was £1.75. So that's that. That's £2.53. £4 on the nose for the audience. Well done, everybody.

Round of applause to the audience. And that bit was reasonably successful. Now time i think you should get some actual second hand shite i reckon put that on ebay yeah you probably get about 15 000 yeah i'm thinking that right good the next part of the show is a service that me and eli run a little service that we like to call our audio special where you know we understand that people listen to this as a podcast and as a result we do podcast specific things. In the past we've done exercise videos or we have done motivation tapes. Tonight we're going to do an advert. We've been asked

by the Camden Council to do an advert for Camden. So we're just going to do a little spot now, part of our advertising remit and we're just going to do a little bit of that. Are you all ready, Eli, for this? I'm ready. Okay, good. Just realised I've put my notes in the bin. Welcome to Camden. Bohemian capital of London. A place of magic, mystery and surprise.

Come to Camden and live an artistic life. When it rains in Camden, the whole place smells of weed. It's shit. Camden has an interesting array of shops and boutiques. Yeah, if you like glow-in-the-dark tobacco tins and fucking those little things that people stick in their ears when they're idiots. Camden, a place of interesting folk and fascinating humanity Camden is full of tourists with stupid facial hair Who don't know how to speak properly

Buying little bags of fucking potpourri Off Somalians For 20 quid Come to Camden Where you can satisfy your thirst for beer In one of our many interesting small pubs. Some kind of ersatz shit where you can buy an overpriced rack of ribs

that tastes of crap and makes you feel sick, gives you the squits for five days, then you get some bloody beer and it tastes awful, and then someone tries to sell you some shit, some Dayglo fucking flares, they're awful, and then you look and there's a pigeon

being eaten by a seagull in the canal. Oh, is that fun? Is that fun? Let's speak to people on the street and see what they think of Camden. Hello, sir. What are you doing in Camden today? Trying to score some drugs. You got any? No, thank you. How about you, sir? What are you doing in Camden today? I love Camden. I came for the Camden Fringe, and no one came. Even though I spent £300 on a room.

This room. Working your issues out on stage. And you, madam, what are you doing in Camden today? on stage. And you, madam, what are you doing in Camden today? I'm living in Camden and genuinely once saw a man wank over a swan. Just repeat that for the audience

who didn't quite hear it. I once saw a man having a wank while staring at a swan. Come to Camden. It only smells of piss when it rains. That'll do. That's our advert. I think we've earned our fee

with that. Right. Now for my favourite part of the show and what may be the most volatile one. We're going to do a thing called Cheap Eats. Cheap Eats, everybody! Cheap Eats is usually when we go on the high streets and we look for 99p knock-off brands of things like cereals, sweets, chocolate bars,

energy drinks. Today, we're going to do something different. Jelly Belly have a brand of their sweets called Bean Boozled, which I will hunt out now. Here we go. He's pulling them out of his butt. I'm really sorry you had to be anywhere near that. That's quite something, Paul.

So here are Bean Boozled, right? Now I'm just going to read you out what's going to happen. What's going to happen is this. Eli is going to try a flavour and you will try the exact same flavour. Well, the colour. You've got these to choose from. The problem is because I'm so anti-racist, I don't actually see colour. Oh, good for you.

Do you want a badge? Yes. A little tufty badge. Also, it means you don't actually see colour. Oh, good for you. Do you want a badge? A little tufty badge? Also, it means you can't fly a plane. Right. Yeah. Good. Okay. That's not the reason I can't fly a plane. Right. Okay, here we're going to go.

So we've got these Bean Boozled. Now, here's the trick. There are one, two, three, there are ten different colours. And for each colour, there are two different flavours. So if you go with theozles. Now, here's the trick. There are one, two, three. There are ten different colours. And for each colour, there are two different flavours. So if you go with the multicoloured one, it's either going to be tutti frutti flavour or stinky socks. Yellow is rotten egg or butted popcorn. Barf or peach for the pink flavour. Juicy pear or snot.

Can I just say juicy pear? Yes, you can. And you did. The white one is coconut or snot. Can I just say juicy pear? Yes, you can. And you did. The white one is coconut or baby wipes. Do they specify where they used baby wipes? No, I don't. It doesn't say. We have another one.

It's either lime flavour or lawn clippings. Lawn clippings is quite nice, isn't it? That lime is horrible. Or toothpaste. We have chocolate pudding flavour or canned dog food. Mouldy cheese or caramel corn. And finally, licorice or skunk spray. Now, you're going to try one of each of these.

I don't know if it's going to be a nice or nasty. Bring it on. You will be going up against one of us in the audience and see who can get the most. Will you get the nicest or will they get the nicest? It can't be that bad. We'll soon find out. Now, I've got to spread these out

so I can see them. So I'm just going to put these on my notes. Yeah, that'll be fine. Yeah, that's fine. Okay, here we go. Well, quite a lot of blues. So, we've got 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 blues. And what's the possibilities for the blues? Toothpaste or berry blue.

So that's going to be alright. It's going to be mint. Toothpaste's alright. Let's get rid of the toothpaste ones. We don't want them because that's nice. Blueberry, blueberry. All right. Berry blue, not blueberry. We're going to start with the black ones first, okay? So we've got four black ones.

Eli, pick one. You can pick the first choice, okay? That's your benefit. Pick a black one. There's four to choose from. Got one. Right. I'm going to take that one.

Who would like to try a black flavour, whether it's licorice or skunk? Who wants to try? Anyone? Dom does. Dom, come over here. Come over here. Dom, round of applause for Dom. We've got a lady.

Pick one of the black ones. Okay, and where's the other lady? Come, come, come quick to the front. Yeah, come on. If you want to try one. Do you want to? Do you want to try one? If your old legs can get you up here.

No, not that woman. It was the same lady. Do you want to try the other black one? Okay. I'm going to have to give you it with my fingers. So the choice is either... Everyone knows that black jelly beans are the worst. Yeah, we're getting that right now.

It can either taste of skunk spray or licorice. Okay. So, equally. Are you with me on this, Beck? Licorice is shit, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. It's one of the worst flavours ever. Yeah.

It's like, if you're going to have something that tastes like licorice, eat licorice. Yeah. So, are you ready? I didn't follow you there. We've all got a black one. It's either going to be licorice or skunk. I'm ready. Dom, who's the other lady?

Sorry, put your hand up again. Is it skunk as in the animal? As in the animal. No, if it was that, I just wouldn't share them. On three. Okay, you can spit out if you have to. Ready? One, two, three.

So to describe Paul Gannon's face he looks like he's just had some horrible news I got a skunk man Oh god, Dom what did you get? He got the licorice and still hated it That's really nasty That's quite nasty What did you get?

It's only one person not complaining. Hey, so that's one to the audience for nice, and you get the nasty ones for no point for real life. Oh, I'm finishing it. Look at this. Oh, God, I couldn't finish it. It smelled like... It smells bad.

It smells like I've licked something that I shouldn't. All right, okay. Right, the next one. We're going to try... That's quite nasty. It has to shouldn't. All right. Okay. Right. The next one. We're going to try. That's quite nasty. It has to be said. Quite nasty. We're going to go with these two.

The good thing about this is he's got a really weak gag reflex. He's going to go. He's going to go, ladies and gentlemen. There's just one. And there's no match. It's Juicy Pear or Snot. I'll have it. Juicy Pear.

Yeah. Can I just say that Snot doesn't really taste of anything. Well, we're going to find out one way or the other, aren't we? It's got more of a mouthfeel, doesn't it? It's more of a textured thing. Are you ready to try this then? Okay, so it's either going to be one or the other. So, ready?

Wait, wait, one, two, three, go. He's chewing it. What is it? Oh, he doesn't look happy. Oh, it's a juicy pear. Hey! One point to Eli. That's one all by default.

Very nice. Okay, next one. That's totally washing the skunk away. We've got some white ones, which are going to be coconut or baby wipes. Oh, okay, good. They've got our two contestants. So we'll let Beck choose. Which one of those three do you want to try?

That one. And Ash, which one of these do you want to try? This one. Here, take the mic. And there's yours, Eli. Okay, ready? After three. Are we all doing it together?

If you want to spit it out, you've got that there. Ready? It's going to be baby wipes or coconut. Ready? One, two, three, chew. It's all gone in. Oh. Oh, no. Oh, no. She spit it out. Beck. I'm just going to finish it, though. Oh, she's going in. Oh. Oh, no.

She's going to finish it, though. Oh, she's going to finish it. What a girl. So she got the baby wipes. What did you get, Ash? Or do you not know where you are anymore? It kind of tastes like coconut-flavoured baby wipes. Yeah.

I thought mine was coconut. And then it got that that alcoholy kind of sterile taste. Oh, the anaesthetic. Yeah. Okay, what did you get, Sylvan?

Oh, coconut. So, oh, coconut. Another win for Eli. Boom! I knew I was going to win. Alright, okay. It tastes like cheap coconut. They're all indifferent.

Right. I think mine was coconut. Okay, we've got bright green now and bright green is either lawn clippings or lime. Oh, I'm up for that again. Can I do it again?

Yeah, go on, Ash. You can pick the first one then. Eli, pick your one. We have two left. Who would like to try? You can try one. I've got two here. Get out of your hand.

That's fine. That's fine. And who would like to try the other one? Yes, there you go. James is going to try it. Now, don't put it in your mouth yet. We have to count it down. James, what is your name, madam?

Olivia. Olivia. Eli, Ash, are you put it in your mouth yet. We have to count it down. James, what is your name, madam? Olivia. Olivia. Eli, Ash, are you ready? After three? One, two, three, chew. Lime. Oh, no, what did you get? He doesn't...

Lime. Lime. Cud. Cinnamon. How is it cinnamon? It's even lime. I think they fucked up on that one. I'm getting cinnamon. Honestly, maybe there's some kind of weird merging of the...

Or maybe you're used to eating grass for some reason. I don't know. Next one we're going to try is Tutti Fruitti, I think it is. Oh no, those are the vomit ones, aren't they? No, this one is... I've had these before, ladies and gentlemen. No, no, no, no. Tutti Fruitti is either... And they are quite nasty. Tutti Fruitti is either... No, it's Tutti Fruitti

or Stinky Socks. Okay, we've got three of those. Yeah, okay, so those three. Eli, pick one of those. That's Tutti Fruitti or whatever. Yep. Who wants to... I'm going to try one. And who wants to try our last We've got three. Yeah, okay, so those three. Eli, pick one of those. That's Tutti Frutti or whatever. Yeah. Who wants to... I'm going to try one. And who wants to try our last Tutti Frutti or Stinky Sock flavour? Anyone? Oh, yay!

There you go, sir. What's your name? Tony. Tony, welcome into the game. Do you want a little cup to spit into? Should things go wrong? Oh, yeah, what a man. Tony's our Smurf fan.

Right, so Stinky Socks or Tutti Frutti. Are you ready? One, two, three. Right, so stinky socks or tooty fruity? Are you ready? One, two, three. Oh my god! Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, mate, that's quite bad,

isn't it? Oh, I need stout. Oh, that's got a real cheese to it, doesn't it? It's nothing but accurate. I'll give it that. Oh, that's really nasty. And it lingers on the palate. Oh, that is really affecting my whole smell bit. What did you get?

Yay! He got two. You've got to win for the audience and a lose for Eli. So what's that now? It's 3-2 to you. Yeah, but what about the special extra bonus points, Paul? There wasn't any, is there? I know, but it might as well be the way your bloody games are scored.

Oh, I'll shut your face. Cock. Right, okay. Next one. There's loads of these, aren't there? Everyone can join in with the puke-flavoured one. Either moldy cheese or caramel corn. I think that's barf and peach.

No, I think that bright orange one is. Oh, yeah. All right. Okay. We've got these two here. Sick vomit flavor. Okay. And peach.

Rise to the challenge, mate. Who wants to have a go? Oh, he's going to pick which one of the two you're going to go for. There we go. That one. Tom, I can hear Tom talking. I can't do it again. Don't make me.

Ready? Ready? After three. One, two, three, go. there we go that one Tom I can hear Tom talking I can't do it again don't make me ready after three one two three go they're in oh straight out

oh and Eli's not happy either sick oh oh that's so bad oh that

oh so oh that's so unpleasant how much to get you to eat the ones in the cup? Yeah, down in one. Oh, no, that's... Let's stop the game now. No, no, no, we've got...

We've got this one next. Chocolate pudding. Oh, God, it's my whole mouth is filled with it. That is awful. That is the worst thing I've tasted. No, it's the worst thing I've tasted. Yeah? Did it really taste like sick? Imagine if Jar Jar Binks tasted of something.

Fair enough. Okay, we've got this one now. It is either dog food or chocolate pudding. I suppose I'll have to do it. Pick one. The lady at the back's keen. So pick one, Eli, then I'll rush over to her. Do you want to come to the front and grab it?

Does anyone look at dog food and ever think, I reckon that's pretty nice? I'm so with you, Ben. What's your name, madam? Meat biscuits. Danielle, okay, stay there so we can see.

Danielle, come here, come here, come here, just so we can see your reaction because, you know, it's all about the O-face. I've so looked at dog food and thought, here's a little cup of onions,

bit of mince, you know, spaghetti. Nice. Yeah. I think that's the reason I like Spam. Ready? Spam's cool little cup. Some onions, bit of mince, you know, spaghetti. Nice. I think for some reason I like Spam. Ready? Spam's cool. Ready.

After three, it's either going to be dog food or chocolate pudding. One, two, three, go. I've got the dog food. I've got the dog food. Oh, she got the dog food too. Oh, round of applause for Danielle. That's gross. That's a savoury, meaty jelly bean.

Full of marabou goodness. All right, we'll do one more then. We'll do one more because we've got six, seven of these. These things, are these popular? Yeah. Either mouldy cheese or caramel corn. Okay. So we've got seven of these.

Can we get seven people in the audience to try? The socks are repeating on me. I'll do one. Beck's going to try one. Because I think worst comes to worst, it's going to taste like stilton, yeah? I need to take the taste and vomit out of my mouth. By potentially eating moldy cheese. All right.

Okay, Eli. Yeah. Here's yours. Here we go. Pick one. God, I can actually smell the dog food on your breath. That is yours. Here we go. Pick one. God, I can actually smell the dog food on your breath. That is disgusting. That's from brunch.

Yeah, I was thinking. Who would like, we've got four of these. Who would like to try one? Who would like to man up or lady up? Oh, Danielle's kicking again. Danielle, come to the front. Quick, quick, quick. Can I just say, it's been...

Traumatic? I think no majority women who've been... That's a good point. We've had James and Tony. They stood up for the man. That's true. Oh, Dom did too. Dom was one of the first.

Well, I didn't know what to hear. He's quite a feminist. He's on the ladies' side. He's got Danielle. Danielle's got one. Who else wanted one? Okay. Okay, we'll give one to you, madam.

Grab one of those. So, did you say you were one? Okay. Okay, we'll give one to you, madam. Oh, grab one of those. So did you say you were Finnish? Yeah. Don't they eat like shark that's been pissed on and buried in Finland? I'm thinking of another country. Another one you mean. Yeah. They like bury a fish or something.

They bury some fish, piss on it, and then they come back next year and go, Oh, it's a delicacy. Getting really xenophobic here. My friend is Finnish and he used to put vodka into plastic bags, put his feet in the plastic bags, and then march, because he was in the army, and get drunk

via his feet. Right. Whoa. Have you got any vodka? No. And plastic bags? No. Right. Put your hand up if you've got, give it a sweet. One, two, three, four, five, and Eli, and I've got it. No. Right. Put your hands up if you've got given a sweet. One, two, three, four, five. And Eli. And I've got it. Okay.

Right. After three, what's the option this might be? It's either... Maldi cheese or caramel corn. Thank you. Ready. One, two, three. Down.

It's all gone down. I've got the Maldi cheese. Okay. He's got the Maldi cheese. What have we got over here? Okay. Beck needs to spit it out. Okay. Good. What did you... No one. M moldy cheese. What have we got over here? Okay. Beck needs to spit it out. Okay, good.

What did you? No one. Moldy cheese, Danielle. It's not Stilton. It's moldy cheese. Danielle got the caramel corn. Was it nice? No.

All right. So it makes no difference. It stays. All right. Okay. In that case, to end with,. There you go. To end with... To end with... I'm going to...

Actually, no, I'm going to try this one because it's on its own, which is the light green one. It's either boogers or something else. Matt, Paul, you know you've got a weak tum-tum. Yeah. And you know... We'd done this before, ladies and gentlemen,

and he had some baby food. It was like a vanilla-flavoured baby food. He almost completely vomited. So what do you think? What a poo-flavoured baby food. He almost completely vomited. So what do you think? A poo-flavoured jelly bean is going to do to you. This is either going to be snot or something else. If it's snot, I'm all right. I'm on over turf.

It's snot or juicy pear. Juicy pear or snot. Juicy pear. Okay. 15,000 quid. Here we go. Ready? I don't know what I put in my mouth.

Officer. That must be the juicy pear. No, it's not. He wouldn't know what a juicy pear tastes like. It tastes like... I don't know. It wasn't nice. What I am going to do, though,

is I will give you, Eli, five pounds of real money after the show if you down all those sweets that are left bring it on i'm having it you've got to put them all on the what might they be look they might be toothpaste it's please this is a piece of piss the easiest five point i ever made berry blue rotten egg oh god there's eggs in there there's rotten egg in there as well all right now when we did the Geekatorium, Matt Hyten downed pretty much a whole box of these and lived to regret it. So, that is...

What's the collection of these? What have we got? Toothpaste, berry blue, buttered popcorn or rotten egg. You don't have to do this, Eli. You do. We all like you already. Five pounds. All right, sweet.

Here we go. And you can't spit any out. You've got to chew it all. Oh, it's down in one. He's chewing it. He's chewing it. Show the audience your face. A woman in the audience actually gasped.

Like proper. Edge of the seat entertainment here. Oh, look at him. Look at him. Alpha male. Planet of the apes. He's pacing the stage like one of those people in a freak show behind the bars. Right before

he puts a needle through his penis or something. It's one of those, oh, he doesn't look happy anymore. Now he looks like someone who just put a needle through their penis. Eli, what's the taste sensation like? Toothpaste and nappies. Which is incidentally the title of his album,

if you want to get that, which is out next week. Big Poppa Hamster. Big Poppa Hamster and nappies and... Oh, God. It is like watching the final scenes of Planet of the Apes. Just a hairy man beast howling at the moon. Do you want to...

Yeah? Show us your mouth. Is it all gone? Oh! Oh! No one needs to see and they're always picking it out. Bits get stuck in your teeth and then it releases, a slow release. I've still got whatever the fuck I put in my mouth. That was quite unpleasant.

Ladies and gentlemen, round of applause for Eli for that. Five pounds. Okay, we're on to the final section of the show and that is the section we call Top Three. Why are we calling it Top Three, Eli? Because I, along with all my other skills, what? Holding

back vomit is a very good skill, Mr. Silverman. Hang on, give me a second. Along with all my other skills, I'm good at picking the top three things. Well, there you go. Of various categories. Thank you, madam.

This is the most sarcastic clap in the audience. You couldn't even list one of your skills. Along with all my other skills, my best thing is listing top threes. You could have done two other things and then done that. You failed at your top thing. All right, Ash, it's not your fucking bit, is it? Right?

Thrown his little waiter out. Right, this is a bit. It's called Eli's Top Three for a reason. Go on. The reason is I can choose the top three of various items. We've had biscuits, which we all know what the best biscuit is, right?

No, what was it? Dog. Dog biscuit. The best biscuit is a rich tea with plain chocolate. Oh, fuck off. Do not watch!

What? Right, we're not talking about biscuits. That's been decided. You were too late to have your fucking say on biscuits, right? I'll tell you. I'll tell you. Yeah, what are we doing tonight? We're doing fizzy drinks.

Eli's top three fizzy drinks, right? This is... How are we doing it? Top three best to worst to best? Worst to best. Or best to top best? Worst to best. Are you going to have a stroke, seriously? You keep clutching your test.

I think he's just feeling really patriotic. Yeah, no, he's standing up for all gorilla kinds. Go on, Eli, do it. I didn't think I had taste buds inside my lower esophagus, but I seem to. I'm surprised you've got taste buds at all these days. Right, okay, top three fizzy drinks. Number three, best fizzy drink.

Seven up. Okay, uncontroversial. Do not start denying me now! Seven up. Right. I was going to argue the point, but... Number two! Oh, I'm frightened.

Best fizzy drink ever, Red Bull. Oh, no. Number one. Best fizzy drink of all fucking time, according to me. Who knows about this type of thing? Fuck all you petulant little hobbits. Root beer. Who's with me?

Nobody. No one's with you. Well, you're all fucking wrong. No. When you get to heaven, after you die, you'll... St. Peter, he'll go, you're wrong about that.

Top three drinks. Elo was right about that. Don't remember that, do you? Because it was like, hopefully, 30 or 40 years ago. I'm going cock. All right, here's my top three. Okay, let's hear it.

At number three, Lucas Aid. Bullshit. What's wrong? It's a good, solid British drink. Oh, he's playing the fucking At number three, Lucozade. Bullshit. What's wrong? It's a good, solid British drink. Oh, he's playing the fucking patriotism card, is he? Up and down the hospitals all over the world. You're sick.

You're near a death door. What's on your bedside cabinet? Lucozade. It's a staple. It's not a one flavour, though. It's a whole staple, isn't it? I'm going original Lucozade, which is OG Lucozade, my brother.

Oh, yeah. That was awful. That was awful. That was horrible. So the point being is Lucas A, number three, okay? Bullshit. Number two, Coca-Cola. Staple.

Oh, my God. You played out. Sold out. Chill. You fucking chill. You've taken our show and you're trying to say... No, you're not allowed to do fake walkouts

that's my thing you took my thing oh he's gone it doesn't count if it's not a fake one stop talking about me are you back no fuck you

what's your top drink no one wants to know because I've already said what it is. Okay. I can't remember the name of the brand. Root beer. It's root beer. It's not root beer.

It's controversial and it's a personal flavour taste. No, it's not that. What? They make a soft drink of your personal flavour? What's it called? Paul's Fizzy Sweat. A sort of brackish soda stream. Brackish.

Why is it fizzy? Come on. You don't get that very often. Why can no one on stage do a high five? You and Beck couldn't do it. You and Eli couldn't do it. What's your personal drink? Fizzy pomegranate drink by that company.

Rubicon. Rubicon pomegranate drink. It's delish. It's all beautiful. I lie there and I pour it over my naked hairy body. Are you going to do a dodgy Caribbean accent as well? No, that's delish. It's all beautiful. I lie there and I pour it over my naked hairy body. Are you going to do a dodgy Caribbean accent as well? No, that's not Caribbean. That was just sexy. I am not finished

talking about my favourite drink. I pour it on my sexy body and I give myself a pomegranate shower all over my face. Comes down my belly button, makes a big disgrace and then it stops. Anyway, that's my top three.

Could I just say, honourable mention, Lilt. Anyone remember that? Why? Lilt is the lamest. It's fucking delicious. Have you tried it recently? Oh my God, I do.

Oh, no, wait. Sorry. Cider. That's not... It is fizzy. We haven't thought this through Beck's just Beck's just blown it all wide open

it's the fucking lager isn't it it's lager she's just alcoholic obsessed she's she's drunk 18 bottles listeners while we've been on stage does anyone else

does anyone else have any any obviously you'd be wrong but does anyone disagree with sorry I've got a I've got a oh a burly wrong, but does anyone disagree with... Sorry, I've got a... Oh. A burly bean burp.

Does anyone disagree with my top choice? Root beer. Are we missing any? Anyone got a suggestion? What soft drink are we missing tonight? Anyone got any ideas? Iron brew. Iron brew's a very good one.

Iron brew's a good choice. Iron brew. Tizer. Tizer. Oh. Sorry, madam. No. That just...

Tizer, after it's lost its fizz, it's absolute piss after that, isn't it? Anybody? Lemon Fanta. Lemon Fanta. That's good. Lemon Fanta. Very good. She did say that as if you're about to attack it.

Like, Lemon Fanta. Don't hit me. I don't blame you. So, to sum up, everyone's wrong apart from me about soft drinks. Number three. Oh, they're coming. Number three. Oh, they're coming. Number three. Sorry.

The listeners won't be able to hear that siren that went outside. It just sounds like a weird. Ash, quick, do an impression of a police car. Nino? That was a donkey. All right, thank you. In third place, what did I say? Oh, you don't know

oh the floor in Mr. Silverman's lodge you dirty little hobbit man you filthy little tree dweller you fucking grotty smurf

monster you horrible betwixting fuckstain but did you just call me a betwixting fuckstain yeah

alright betwixting good one yeah it's alright I don't know what that means. Are we going to wrap this shit up? Let's wrap this shit up.

Round of applause for Eli's top three. Thank you. For whatever reason. Okay, housework time. First of all, I want to give a massive round of applause to yourselves. So give yourselves a round of applause for staying with the show tonight. Thank you very much for supporting the comedy. And next of all, give us a round of applause for our guest tonight, Ashfrith.

Yay! And the delectable Beck Hill, everybody. Round of applause for Beck Hill. Beck, Ash, is there anything you want to pimp? Anything you're doing that maybe these people

might want to come and see or the listeners at home might want to go and come and see you in? If you liked my bare arms joke, I run a night called the Pun Run. It's very good.

Which is a pun-based comedy night where all the acts can only do puns. So a night called Pun Run. It's very good. Which is a pun-based comedy night where all the acts can only do puns. So just Google the Pun Run and it'll come up. Or the website is just thepunrun.com Oh good. Ash, what have you got coming up? I'd like to promote the Pun Run. Which is a show that Beck runs.

Everything else I'm doing is miles away. What? Okay, good. So here's a listen at home. If you want to get in touch with us or email us or give us show suggestions or feedback or, you know, abuse, you can reach us on thegeekatorium at gmail.net. And also you can follow us on Twitter at The Geekatorium.

And on Facebook, you'll find the same thing. Games, fun, excitement, and whatnot. So find us all the details on that on our website, which is, incidentally, www.geekitorium.net. The podcast you can listen to via SoundCloud, but you can subscribe to us on iTunes and Stitcher. We recommend you do that. And if you want to buy tickets for any of the shows that we do at the Geekitorium,

just go to Eventbrite and look for the Geekitorium. So there's that. And I think that's basically it. We end the show, as always, with another one of eli's vinyl selections what have you got for us tonight it's an old favorite of the show paul it's lost in the world of dreams by theme machine oh ladies and gentlemen i've been paul gannon that's been you've been the audience there's ash there's beck good night mr music will you play

it's fantastic Will you play? It's fantastic. Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for being here tonight. We really, really appreciate it. I thank you.