CheapShow - Ep 305: Little Sweet Shop of Horrors (Mono Edition)

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hello, and welcome to a rather troubling episode of Cheap Show. This edition of the podcast has been pieced together from the recording equipment and audio footage that had been found abandoned in a dirty back alley earlier this week. During the early weeks of October 2022, Paul and Eli attempted to record their Halloween episode for that year. Tragically, that recording session was abandoned, and the incident on Harbert Road will never be publicly shared. For now. In a desperate attempt to get something out for Halloween, Paul and Eli tagged along with Mr Biffo and Sanya for a Digitizer's Supernatural World film shoot at a haunted sweet shop in Chatham. What follows is an upsetting and,

Starting point is 00:00:46 at times, disconcerting document of what happened on that fateful night, October 24th, 2022. And with that, we present this week's episode. Episode 305, Little Sweet shop of horrors. Eli. What time is it? I don't know. Tap your phone and find out. Well, shut up. How about that?

Starting point is 00:01:32 Fucking ass. You're such a grumpy bastard. It's ten seconds and I've asked you to just fucking tell me the time. It's six minutes past six. Thank you. He hit me. He hit me there, everyone. It's six minutes past six on Monday the... What's the date?

Starting point is 00:01:47 You're useless. Honestly. I don't know either, but... It's 24th. Monday the 24th of October. And Eli and I are doing a supernatural investigation at a top secret location in Chatham, which will tell you exactly where it is later.

Starting point is 00:02:07 A little report on the Stobart game on the motorway on the way up. We drew. Paul won. This is a brush. Yeah, yeah, but this is a brush, isn't it? This looks like a brush because it's got a wispy bit on the top. We should explain to the listeners we're trying to be interior designers is the cover. So what does a chair got to do with being interior design?

Starting point is 00:02:28 Well, you can liven your place up with a chair, can't you? Your nickname could be, your code name could be Paul the Chair Guy, Chair Guy Gannon. The stool pigeon. I'm Eli. I'm the stool pigeon. I'm Eli the dog, Sweeney. Sweeney. Sweeney. Anyway, for our Halloween episode, we're doing a ghost hunt. I'm the stool pigeon. I'm Eli the dog Sweeney. Sweeney?

Starting point is 00:02:45 Sweeney. Anyway, for our Halloween episode, we're doing a ghost hunt. We drew the game of Stobart. This is not about the Stobart game. This is about Paul Stool Pigeon Gannon and Eli Dog Sweeney Silverman or whatever it is. Dog Sweeney. Right, we're going in. We've got to pretend to be interior decorators for some fucking reason to sneak into this top secret location.

Starting point is 00:03:07 Basically, let's just start a pretend conversation about taffetas. Taffeta, taffeta, taffeta. Taffeta, taffeta. Taffeta tasters. Taffeta tasters. Oh, I like the coarse-grained taffeta. I am very... I like art deco designs. And the colour scheme is very pastel. Oh, look, is that the break room?

Starting point is 00:03:22 An outdoor break room for all the people who work in the... A rooftop break room to chill. This is amazing. I love this. This is a 60s shopping centre, isn't it? I mean, I don't know when it was built. This is definitely... It could be 70s.

Starting point is 00:03:37 Oh, yes, I can sense the supernatural activity. Tell them where we are, Paul. Chatham. Paragon. Not Paragon. Pentagon. Pentagon. The Pentagon, yes.

Starting point is 00:03:48 The Pentagon is an occult symbol. Upstairs to shops. Yeah. He said he'd meet us at the lifts, but I don't know what lifts he wants. What lifts? Where are we? The Green Lifts to Sainsbury's. Green Lifts to Sainsbury's? Yeah, that's an old Tom Jones classic, that one, isn't it?

Starting point is 00:04:03 Oh, shut up! I'm sick of your wordplay. At least I do wordplay and not just create mouth sounds. You do mouth sounds as well. I do nonsense words. Get it right, for God's sake. Yeah, exactly. Anyway, welcome to Cheap Show 2022's Halloween special, as we go investigating for ghosts and lifts mostly lifts we're just now through the haunted Pentagon shopping centre in Chatham. We're heading down now to the haunted sweet shop.

Starting point is 00:05:19 Where's Eli gone? Have we lost Eli again? Where are you going? Of? Fine. What DNA toys? There's DNA toys. There was a shop called Muffin muffin. Hey. Hey. Hello. What, Eli? Yeah, no, I know that. We all know that.

Starting point is 00:06:02 How dare you? I'm perfectly sized. So here we are. Inside our spooky location for Halloween 2022. It's a sweet shop. That's all I have on that. Right. I've been given not enough framework this week, Paul. I've not been given enough framework. We're all usually the framework guy. Yeah, but we're doing it with Biffo and

Starting point is 00:06:29 Sanya, aren't we? We're digitised. So we're on there. We're riding their gravy train. What are they doing? I don't know what they're doing either. I don't even know if they know what they're... Where are you going? He's going round the back. Where are you going? Stop kissing your lips and do kissy sounds. Oh, he's doing the international sign for cigarette in a back alley. Anyway, here we are. So this year we've been invited to a sweet shop because it's allegedly haunted. And I don't know the parameters of the haunting yet. Well, there could be someone who was killed by an avalanche of sweets in an earlier era.

Starting point is 00:07:05 Or died of sugar overdose. Or someone who died in a sweet factory. And then a little bit of their spirit is in every single sweet. While we're on the subject, Paul, look at these UFOs up here. Yeah. Bullshit. You know what? My partner suggested adding a UFO bullshit to a cocktail.

Starting point is 00:07:21 You know, the cocktail that I've got planned for the Halloween Twitch stream. Why would that fit? That doesn't fit with the theme. No, it doesn't. And I said this to her and we had a massive row and she struck me. She struck me, Eli.

Starting point is 00:07:32 Perhaps it's her ghost because it's a living ghost. That's a thing, isn't it? A living ghost is just a human being. No, a living ghost is a human being. No, but a ghost,

Starting point is 00:07:39 a spirit that is associated with a living person like a poltergeist. It's a bit nebulous when you start getting into the realities of that. What, ghosts are nebulous? Nah. Ghosts are cloud-like? Nah. Ghosts are ephemeral things you can't quite hold on to? Nah. What about these ghosts? Can I just say, right now, these are shit.

Starting point is 00:07:57 We'll tell people what... What do you get, Snowys? What are Snowys? They are white chocolate discs covered with what they're called, hundreds of thousands. Why aren't they called millions and billions? Your point. Why aren't they called one or twos?

Starting point is 00:08:09 Ones and twos. One or twos. It is more like fifties to hundreds. So we're spending this evening, Halloween 2022, in a sweet shop in Chatham at the Paragon. Keep saying Paragon. It's not. It's Pentagon, isn't it? The Pentagon, which is a shopping centre.

Starting point is 00:08:23 And can I say, it was definitely built in the 60s or 70s. And it is chef's kit. Vernacular brutalism. There'll be photos. Yeah, there'll be photos. Look at the candy on offer. Fruit salads, wine gums, sport mix, honeycomb, brittle, sour cola, mega sour watermelon, lemon bonbon, fruits, hard gums, jelly beans, candy tablets,

Starting point is 00:08:49 cough candies, fruit rock, licorice creams, jelly teddies, sugar free. Paul, I've got a terrible case of aniseed balls. That's funny, because I've got a horrible case of zoot and jujubes. I've got a terrible mega sour lemon up my bum. All right. Anyway, the lights have just gone off. So... Paul, Paul, Paul.

Starting point is 00:09:09 Yeah. I've got Reese's Pieces in my arse. I've got Reese's Pieces. Paul, I've got a terrible case of the licorice confits. Confits? I need to find a toilet because I've got a lemon chocolate cream coming on. I've got a nutty Brazil toffee I'm just going to sit here

Starting point is 00:09:27 creamy toffee what have you got crystals I haven't seen crystals in ages where it's just powdered like sherbet it is sherbet it's crystal meth I was told by the owner

Starting point is 00:09:35 a lot of people ask what those lemon crystals are and he has to explain to them it's fucking sherbet of course it's fucking sherbet what they think they're going to buy drugs if they get it

Starting point is 00:09:44 what is that lemon crystals wow it's like sherbet obviously why don't they call it sherbet you know it's fucking sherbet What they think They're going to buy drugs If they get it What is that lemon crystals Wow It's like sherbet obviously Why don't they call it sherbet You know what we should do Milk teeth I've got a terrible case of milk teeth We should make a pentangle of salt

Starting point is 00:09:52 Out of lemon crystals Also I've heard Something spooky's gone the way Oh You've got nothing Oh there's an evil presence All of a sudden in this room

Starting point is 00:10:04 Eli It's a ghost Oh they've left me alone Oh, there's an evil presence all of a sudden in this room. Eli, it's a ghost. Oh, they've left me alone. They've left me alone in this haunted sweet shop. And that's fine by me. We're going to be speaking to Biffo and Sanya in a minute. And Dan, who's invited us along to his sweet shop. And it is Dan's, who you may know as Anatomical Bomb on Twitch and the Twitters. And a very talented chap indeed he is too.

Starting point is 00:10:27 And everyone's just left me. Maybe because I'm on my own, the ghost will attack. I'll ask the ghost. If there are any spirits here present, please make yourself known to me now. Oh, I heard something. I'm going mad. All by myself. I'll tell you what, I've got my ghost hunting equipment with me,

Starting point is 00:10:48 which I'll go into detail a bit later, but I've got my EMF meter reading, so I'm just going to do a scan, and I'm going to reach out and say, if anyone's here, please... He's got his stupid thing. Wait, it's going off. It's going off.

Starting point is 00:11:01 It's me, my phone or whatever. It's not. Paul. What? I know the ghost thing is important to you but can I just say on the way up here

Starting point is 00:11:07 we play the game called Stobart and could everyone just explain to me Stobart players out there if it doesn't say Stobart on the side of the

Starting point is 00:11:19 of the lorry then it's not a Stobart is it look it's going off look at that it's going off mate it's actually going offow bar, is it? Look, it's going off. Look at that. It's going off. Mate, it's actually going off.

Starting point is 00:11:26 Look. And I'm not near anything. I'm going to go to the lights. The light isn't setting it off. I'm just getting a base reading of the whole room. And I'm trying to see now, but it keeps... There's an activity happening right from the start. Oh, it's gone off. There seems to be a consistent spread.

Starting point is 00:11:47 I wonder where that's coming from. Paul. Yeah, what? Just another little trip down memory lane. They've got golden nugget gum in here. Two varieties. The blue one is a Newworth. Thank you very much.

Starting point is 00:12:00 Do you remember I found a packet of that on a tube and I did it as a price of shite early days and you ate some. Yeah, it's funny. And then you put a tie in some shit. No, I found a tie on some dog's shit in the city and I gave it to you unwashed to wear and you draped it all over your stupid fucking face

Starting point is 00:12:16 and I laughed for days. I laughed for days off the back of that. This is supposed to be entertaining for our listeners and I don't think it is, okay? I don't think it is. Okay? I don't think it is. Don't do another part. I'm doing it. It's the ghost.

Starting point is 00:12:32 It's the ghost. That is not funny. I'm trying to make content. You've got nothing this week. I just make content in my pants. I made a little brown content. Anyway, look. Look, see, there's activity. Look at the activity on the AMF.

Starting point is 00:12:48 It's one of the massive shopping centres. Ah, look, I've gone to the settings and the wires, and look, it's actually in the centre. It's separate. It's not near anything. I've already done a base run, although that obviously, the till's setting that off. But it's good to know.

Starting point is 00:13:02 It's good to know. It's good to know. That's setting your full throttle. I've never seen anything set it off before. Why is that the card transaction machine? Because it's a ghost card transaction machine, obviously. This is a ghost cash machine. Poor.

Starting point is 00:13:15 Yeah. Butter tablet. In honor of Toffee Fudge. We're just reading out all the rude chocolates. Licorice fudge! Fudge crunch. That's alright. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:13:29 Eli, let's pretend you're a sweet shop man. Hello. Ding, ding, ding. I would like... How can I help you, sir? Can you put some butter tablet in my mouth, please? Well, I can't put it straight into your mouth. I can put it in a little paper bag with pink stripes on.

Starting point is 00:13:41 I will also take that. That wasn't the best. There's all the gummies under wasn't the best yeah there's a there's a this it's we're in hogs heaven here as we begin our investigation of this haunted location i'm getting weak signals on my emf meter i'm doing a base reading to get no so there's no confusion but uh as it stands right now we're all good. So we're going to do a bit of set-up, and then when we come back, we'll do a little bit of background to this investigation tonight.

Starting point is 00:14:11 Paul, tell them about the dogs. Eli fucks dogs. Why do you have to say that always? Because that's what you do, isn't it? You love it. You're obsessed with sex with dogs. I'm not obsessed with sex with dogs. I'm obsessed with you having sex with dogs. When we had the dog incident earlier today, you were like, I don't like dogs. You should shoot dogs. I'm not obsessed with sex with dogs. I'm obsessed with you having sex with dogs. When we had the dog incident earlier today,

Starting point is 00:14:25 you were like, I don't like dogs. You should shoot dogs. And I think our listenership should know that. I said... Just give a drop of a hat. You just bring up

Starting point is 00:14:33 fucking dogs. No one said anything about that. Why? Everyone's doing something now. So let's take a quick break and we'll come back

Starting point is 00:14:41 to you later so we are doing oh look there's a camera look we can see into the shop without having to be in the shop this um we're in the back room of the sweet shop now, Paul. Yeah. And it really is eye-opening. And did you see the coffee collection? What's that? And also, we've seen a candy can.

Starting point is 00:15:13 Yeah. Do you remember candy can? Yeah. Anyone who listens maybe remembers we tried their terrible sugar-free drinks that came out earlier this year. Then we did bubblegum flavour, remember? And we did birthday cake flavour. Yeah. But what have they got there? And we did birthday cake flavour. Yeah. But what have they got there?

Starting point is 00:15:28 Because I want to make sure. Rocket ice lolly. Rocket ice lolly? Yeah, like a Zoom. Zoom, yeah. Zoom. Rocket must be the non-copyright. What flavour would that be, though?

Starting point is 00:15:37 Because isn't Zoom like... It's several different fruit flavours. Do you know what flavour it would be? Do you know? Blue fucking raspberry. No, I don't think it would. Blue raspberry keeps rearing its fucking head. Do you know what we should also see? Blue fucking raspberry. Blue raspberry keeps rearing its fucking head. Do you know what we should also see?

Starting point is 00:15:47 What's the other one there? Bubblegum, alright, we've done that. Soda folk. Root beer. You can't go wrong with root beer. Paul, we should see if he's got any blue raspberry, actual blue raspberry flavoured things, and then we can taste them. They have, he's got blue raspberry things, I've seen them around.

Starting point is 00:16:05 So, right. They're just doing an interview with Dan now about the stories about the haunted house sweet shop. The haunted sweet shop. So, what's happening there? What's the spooky stuff? Alright, Dan. Talk to a proper

Starting point is 00:16:22 podcast. Yeah, but he'll repeat it and he's gotten all the crap out of the way. Hello, Dan. Thank you for inviting us along today to your shop. No, wait, it's not your shop. I arranged this. No, right now we're doing Cheap Show. This is Cheap Show. No, it's not. Eli, you tell him. I'm not getting involved in any fractious behaviour.

Starting point is 00:16:39 You. I don't trust you because you tried to win at Stourbridge. What's it called? Stoughton? Stoney. Stoneybridge. What's it called? Stoughton. Stonybridge. Everyone forgets. Sobot. Okay, can we stop talking about the game you played in the car? It's like really they're not an old game.

Starting point is 00:16:54 But I won. Get the reference. I won. Dan, could you tell us about, you were just talking about how some old people stopped coming to the shop. Can you tell us a bit more about that? Yes. Old people used to come to the shop a lot. Shop a lot?

Starting point is 00:17:06 Paul, get your muff out of my shot. He's a very soft-spoken man. I need to get close so I can hear his words. And I need to have this information too for our podcast. All right, so bear with. Your podcast is whimsical. This is intended to be educational. How dare you?

Starting point is 00:17:21 There's nothing whimsical. This is not meant to be educational. Elderly people like sweet shops. They're synonymous, elderly ladies and sweet shops. A lot of them used to come here, and then they didn't. So one can assume that they died. Did they have a particularly favourite sweet that they would buy? Were those originals? That's the cliché.

Starting point is 00:17:40 That is a cliché. We don't sell that as originals. Merry Maids? Maybe that's why they stopped coming. They serve a Merry Maid. Oh, yeah, they're buttery. It's the top shelf there. That's a cliche. We don't sell that as originals. Merry Maids? Maybe that's why they stopped coming. They serve a Merry Maid. Oh yeah, they're buttery. It's the top shelf there. That's the elderly. The Merry Maids on the top shelf. That's like the pornographic thing we had to do.

Starting point is 00:17:53 It is. Raspberry Ruffle? Raspberry Ruffles you put on a top shelf, that's a dirty little chocolate, that is. Dirty. Can I ask a question, please? Now, I pointed to the lemon crystals before and said, that's sherbet, isn't it? And you said to me, a lot of people ask what that is, and you say to them, it's sherbet. Why do you not brand it as

Starting point is 00:18:14 sherbet in the shop? This isn't ghost related. No, this is more like, you know, crime watch. I think because it's slightly bigger grains. Ah. So it's not technically sherbet. Well, one of them is. So it's slightly bigger grains. Ah. So it's not technically sherbet. Well, one of them is. So it's the grain.

Starting point is 00:18:29 I'll tell you. I've got this. I've got this. So sherbet's more like of a caster sugar consistency, and crystals is more of a sort of granular tea sugar. Yeah, see, that's sherbet. Look at that fluffy. Yes.

Starting point is 00:18:45 You can tell, just to the eye, you can tell that there's more of a grain to the crystals than there is to the powdery, powdery nature. It's like caster sugar. It's powdery like that. Can you tell us, Dan, what zoot is? Yes, it's salty licorice. Salty licorice.

Starting point is 00:18:59 And double zoot has twice as much salt in it? Yeah. I don't know if it's technically twice as much. This is awkward to know. It's saltier. It's stronger. It's saltier. Saltier zoot has twice as much salt in it. Yeah. I don't think it's technically twice as much. This is awkward, you know. It's saltier. It's stronger. It's saltier. A saltier zoot.

Starting point is 00:19:09 Yeah. I had a case of saltier zoot. I had a case of toffee. So talk us through your best sellers here. We need to get some established content. Yeah. Let's fucking come over here. This is shit.

Starting point is 00:19:23 They're just talking about... I don't think this place is fucking haunted. No, it feels kind of spooky out the back. It's out the back, but that's because of all the kind of infrastructure. It's that whole gritty 60s build, isn't it? The place was built in the 60s. I'm going to look up when it was built.

Starting point is 00:19:41 You look it up when it was built. Because I honestly feel like this is a bit of a wild ghost chase. You know, I don't think there's a ghost here. Why would a ghost haunt a sweet shop? It has a sweet tooth. I tried, I tried. No, no, I'm not going to berate you for that because you did try. And it's important that you reckon, you know,

Starting point is 00:19:59 it's important that I support your strength and growth as a comedian. Spooky mix. Spirit tooth. Would that have worked? No. I support your strength and growth as a comedian spooky mix spirit tooth would that have worked no we should just move on from that look at the size

Starting point is 00:20:10 of that fucking jelly baby man that's a big jelly baby and a worm attack giant fruity flavour gummy worm you could assault someone in a bad place

Starting point is 00:20:19 with that worm you could recreate the infamous scene from A Clockwork Orange with that what scene you don't know anything about films do you that scene where they break in and they have that big phallic You could recreate the infamous scene from A Clockwork Orange with that. What scene? You don't know anything about films, do you? Do you know that scene where they break in and they have that big phallic structure?

Starting point is 00:20:30 There's a huge phallic vase that he batters her to death with. Now it's a worm. It's nothing like a worm. It's a giant gummy. You, your lack of knowledge. It's noisy in the background. That's him, isn't it, being a big gobshite? Making a TV show.

Starting point is 00:20:43 You're not. This is your fourth, what, fourth pilot now for Supernatural World? And each one's like the definitive explanation of a diminishing return. This is going to be the one. This is the one for the History Channel. I think he's messing you about, frankly.

Starting point is 00:20:59 What are you doing behind me? You're creeping around. I think Dan's messing you about and he's exploiting your channel to promote his sweet shop. And that's what I'm saying on record. He told me that his mother-in-law had seen activity in this shop. Had seen spectral activity in this shop, which is... It was his mother, not his mother.

Starting point is 00:21:19 It was his mother had seen spooky activity in this shop that old people have stopped coming here suddenly. They reached about 80, 90 or so and then dropped off from coming in. You know. Some are like 98. 98. 98. Can you repeat that please?

Starting point is 00:21:35 Some of them are like 98. Some of them are like 98. Some of them are like 98. Oh, that's helpful. What? Chalky hearts. He just pointed at chalky hearts. I don't even...

Starting point is 00:21:54 I'm not buying any of this. Can I just say that? This might be... The worst episode we've ever done. This might be the worst ghost hunt we've ever done. And that's saying something, because we've done fucking shit. Before you just mention wheels, I just wanted to say, if you've got a light with a slipper... I'll tell you what, I'm going to get my ghost hunting equipment out and get that sorted out.

Starting point is 00:22:14 Are we on security camera? Up yours, police. Delores. Up yours, Delores. Oi! I'm watching you! You'd suit that, I'd be a great job for you, night time security. Shut up! Just sitting there in front of your monitors.

Starting point is 00:22:29 Got me coffee? Got you coffee. Oh they've got Laffy Taffy, all sorts of Laffy Taffy. I got my Laffy Taffy. We've got all sorts in here Paul. Look I'm... Licorice all sorts. Look these are nice and he said we could have some sweets as well Paul.

Starting point is 00:22:44 Not the American stuff though, he said we couldn't do that. He's got all the jellies under the counter. That is a world of delight. Mate, we could just take... A world of pure pleasure. Just take the whole thing. Look, he's got those beer ones I was talking about. I love those.

Starting point is 00:22:54 I want to try those. All right. He said we could have some. If you ask nicely, you'll see. Well, you ask, please. No, you ask. You ask. You're the king of the podcast.

Starting point is 00:23:01 Oh, yeah, I'm king of the podcast when you don't have the balls to ask for candy. Ask for candy. Paul says the balls to ask for candy. Ask for candy. Paul says, can we ask for candy? What are we doing now? Are we setting up for all the gadgets? Yeah. I mean, we're probably not allowed to light anything in here, are we?

Starting point is 00:23:18 Paul, if you want a cup of black coffee, I have a flask. Oh, I'll be nice, a little black coffee later. It'd be quite nice. Thank you. I left my cup at home. It's losing losing yeah. I left my Yeti at home. It's losing it's temperature but it's bloody lovely. Monsoon Malabar. Oh I got given some maple syrup coffee I don't know what that's gonna be like but I'm keen to try it. It'll taste better with that generic artificial maple. Right here we are. Balls, balls, oh no sex balls. What are they? What are you talking about, sex balls? Tongue painters.

Starting point is 00:23:47 Paul, tongue painters. Here comes the tongue painters. Murderer. There we go. We have to get one in. Okay. Right. Hello, my name is Paul Michael Gannon and I've been a ghost hunter for 15 years.

Starting point is 00:24:18 I've seen it all, from poltergeists to wisps to elemental spirits. I've seen them all and i'm here to offer my guidance and expertise tonight for this episode of digitizer's supernatural bollocks sorry i'll say that last bit again you can edit it and i'm here to offer my uh expertise to this fucking con of a show you've been acting like a prick all day it's just it's a swell sweet you've just come here to get sweets that's all you've done you've come to a sweet shop to get sweets. Hello, I'm Eli Jacob Silverman. I once had a dream and I

Starting point is 00:24:49 predicted in the dream without ever having met the man who might Did I hear this in the last episode of Digitizer's Paranormal World that you're getting out again? Yeah, because you mentioned that then. I watched it last night. You unbelievably obnoxious prick. I'm trying to do a thing. Yeah, you've got to

Starting point is 00:25:06 repeat the thing. You just thought about how you'd like to kill dogs. That's how the day started with you. It is true. Fuck off! I said we should run over those dogs if they got loose. Fuck off! Can I just do my bit? You told the story that you told twice about the time that you predicted who your mum's boyfriend

Starting point is 00:25:21 was going to be because you had a dream about her and he ended up being a dirty biker. I do confess that you did say that. Oh God, that's all I've got. I'm sorry. So there you go. I'm just proving a point. I saw that ghost in Yugoslavia. Well, this is new. I'll give him this. It was, no.

Starting point is 00:25:37 I was in Yugoslavia. This is before it broke up. That's in Yugoslavia and it was. During Tito's reign and I walked past a graveyard and it had lots of those tall trees and there was a ghost and this is basically, I'll demonstrate what I saw. A figure, the back of the figure went

Starting point is 00:25:53 oingy oingy oingy. You have told that. You have told that. You've even told that on the podcast as well. So there you go. I've got fuck all. I'm sorry. I'm in a fucking sweet shop. All right, what's your favourite sweet?

Starting point is 00:26:08 Yeah, what's your favourite sweet? Ooh. Now, that's a good question. Oh, I've just spotted down there, they've got the gummies under the counter. Those are the ones that really get pilfered, aren't they? Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:26:17 That's why they're behind the glass. There's those beer, what are they called? They're like ale ones. Pint pots. Pint pots. Ooh. I like those. I like pint pots. I paul wants one or something you know i'm gonna have loads and not share them with eli that's the plan how about that okay that's a little much for him i repeat these stories means that they

Starting point is 00:26:38 are strong memories and have some they're strong versus verisimilitude verisimilitude pardon the important thing is you're flying I'm flying would you like to talk you've brought some equipment with you well okay so I'm seeing this evening as a three part process but I only have

Starting point is 00:27:01 part two and three really sorted out in my head. So part one is ghost attraction, which only everyone's... It sounds like a dating show. A bit like a dating show. I do have one thing that will help, well, no, two, that will help with the ghost attraction part of the evening, and that is a mirror to act as a portal.

Starting point is 00:27:21 Oh, a scrying mirror. Yeah. A what? A scrying mirror. Why is it called that? I have no idea. But that means it acts as a portal through which the dead will arrive uh the idea is if you stare at it and do incantations you can see a spirit staring back through the mirror that can't actually come through can't come through it can't come through this one we can use as a portal that the ghost

Starting point is 00:27:39 can come through if it likes technically it's just a mirror mirror and a ghost or fourth dimension and it comes through this mirror into our third day but then they imbue it with the magic afterwards. So you actually got... That's a mirror from home. It depends who makes the mirror. That's not what it... It's not a scrying mirror. Any mirror can be used as a scrying mirror

Starting point is 00:28:11 or a portal mirror. You just need to put a special incantation over it. Exactly. Did you do that? Yes. And now, so then, when the ghost... Once the ghost has morphed through into our dimension, it needs somewhere to go,

Starting point is 00:28:23 so we placed a chair over there for the ghost to have a sit down because it's really tiring try it's see see that's what your ghost was trying to do it was trying to find somewhere to sit down if you'd had offered it a chair it was several hundred meters away i couldn't like oh i was too far away i was a small child as well i didn't have chairs just i just freaked out thinking i was going to burn my hand and then realize these are fake candles so i apologize they call these scrying candles right candles do they make them in the same factory they make normal candles yeah just wondering they just have to imbue them with

Starting point is 00:28:58 magic afterwards so anyway so i need well we need to try and figure out how to attract the ghost unless they're already here phase one maybe we can use the Ouija board. Yeah, Paul, you're mad at yourself, aren't you? Yeah, you just wait until everyone gets bored and then Eli pushes it around to spell the devil. What, me? I thought we agreed. Oh.

Starting point is 00:29:16 Phase two, for me personally, I would... Oh, this is still on. For me personally, I know Paul would like to get rid of the ghost. I'm here to eliminate. I would like to get rid of the ghost i'm here to eliminate i would like to bring the ghost peace and i feel because it's in a sweet environment it it's pushing down its feelings with sweetness and what it really needs is to process its emotions of anger it needs a little bit of saltiness i should have bought some insulin not salt oh i didn't think of that but so what so what we've got is a lot of salty snacks that we had at home we've got some salted popcorn

Starting point is 00:29:53 we've got some ready salted crisps we've got some crackers that aren't salty but they're savory oat cakes yeah okay they must have some salt in. I'm sure they've got some salt in them. We've got some... Oh, yeah, we've got zoot. Oh, we've got zoot, yes, and double zoot. Double zoot. We could double zoot. And double zoot. I've had a double zoot out in the back corridor. Once my dad tried to play zoot as a Scrabble word,

Starting point is 00:30:15 and he would not accept that it wasn't a word. To this day. Is it a word if you don't put zoot afterwards? That's what he tried. Just zoot by itself. Nah. Nah. And you haven't spoken to your father since that very day.

Starting point is 00:30:26 Zoot isn't a word either. Because it's a noun. It's a proper noun, isn't it? And that's zout. We have to check. How is that pronounced, then? Zout. Yes, yes, zout.

Starting point is 00:30:34 Yes, yes, yes. Zout, zout, zout. Favourite candy. Niggerish candy. Zout, zout. Double zout. Double zout. Double douche and double zout.

Starting point is 00:30:42 Yes, yes, yes, yes. Douche, douche, douche. Zout, zout, zout. Double zout. Double zout. Double z out. Doubles out. Doubles out. Doubles out. Doubles out. Doubles out. Doubles out. Anyway.

Starting point is 00:30:50 Lions for Ben's. Yeah. So then, what else? Cream of tomato soup, high in salt. Salty. You just brought a lot of salted stuff. I'm not sure this is a ghost thing. Because we want the ghost to act salt black.

Starting point is 00:31:02 We didn't have a salt lick, so we had to have a salt lamp. If I lick this lamp... It's salty. I have licked it. I'll try to avoid the bit that you've already been in. We didn't have a salt leak, so we had to have a salt lamp. If I lick this lamp... It's salty, I have licked it. I'll try to avoid the bit that you've already been in. I can't tell you which bit I licked. Let's all lick it. Eli's going to verify for us when the lamp is on. Not as salty as you might imagine, but there is a distinct saltiness.

Starting point is 00:31:16 Oh, you've tasted my spit. It is very salty. You went right on my spit there. I did on purpose. Now we've kissed and we're married. It is salty, isn't it? It's salt. I'm going to lick the tip.

Starting point is 00:31:28 This is satisfying. Ooh. I'll have half an ounce of those, please. Wouldn't you like one of those, though, swinging from a rope in your living room? You could just lean over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You would, though, wouldn't you?

Starting point is 00:31:38 You could bat it to someone across the room. Salt, sir. Pass us the salt lick. You could take a tiny little grater and then have your meal as it's swinging. So this salt is to balance the ghost's emotions. This is to balance the ghost's emotions. And then we also have some Barocca because, as we know,

Starting point is 00:31:53 overconsumption of sugar can make you lose B vitamins. So we want to replenish those. We're rebalancing the ghost's health. I just want to say for the record now, I've never gone on a ghost hunt with salty snacks and barocca. Well, that's why this might be successful. Have you ever been on a successful ghost hunt when you saw a ghost? No, that's true.

Starting point is 00:32:13 That's also a good thing. One of our tea towels. Okay, so this is phase three. So for phase three, if we manage to balance out the ghost's emotions, bring it peace and help it go on its way, then we can clear the energy of the shop with some sage we can't turn that on because some palo santo which i know is unsustainable but i bought this years ago and then oh oh wait before we start we also need some amethyst crystal

Starting point is 00:32:37 to help us amplify our psychic energy okay they can see it afterwards i'm bringing it we need to don't wave it around i need to wave it i need to wave it near everyone's third eye i'm trying to get it i felt my third eye fucking had a hard on when he got it near it see yeah my third eye was winking third eye okay so everyone third eye is positively seeping. Amplify your third eye. My third eye's got pink eye. Why are you not waving it to my third eye? No, why are you waving it to their third eye first? Leave my third eye out. And then we'll just leave it here.

Starting point is 00:33:19 A drippy third eye. Oh, my pineal gland. What else do we have? We've got smoky quartz to get rid of any negative energy. We'll just carry it around. Oh, yeah, and then in the meantime, to join Paul, we also have some ghost detection. Dowsing rods.

Starting point is 00:33:36 Dowsing rods. Which are mostly there to look for fault lines or water. What did I say? Fault lines. Yeah, lay lines. Hey, professional, are lines hey not when it comes to geography no anyone else do this with these sweets no he's on back the sweets again used to peel off I used to go in the oven. It's been in the oven. You're a man alone.

Starting point is 00:34:12 Shall I show you my ghost hunting gadgets? Yes. Let's get serious now. Wait, wait. Before you do, I just want to say we're going to use the dowsing rods as yes or no's as well. Oh, yeah. You can use them for that. Show me yes.

Starting point is 00:34:22 Show me the money. Oh, it's pointing towards me. All right. Show me no. Show me no. And now the money. Oh, it's pointing towards me. Alright, show me no. Show me no, and now the dowsing rods are... It's crossing. They're crossing. So, yes. Yes. No. There we go. That's a no. It's a no. When it crosses, it knows. Just in case we've got these, if we need to ask any questions.

Starting point is 00:34:39 And if it dips to the side, it's also a yes. If it crosses, it's a no. If it dips to the side, it's a yes. We've figured it out. Right. If it spreads apart, it's also a yes. If it crosses, it's a no. If it dips to the side, it's a yes. We've figured it out. Right. If it spreads apart, it's party time. That's it for me. That's it for you.

Starting point is 00:34:53 I've also got a pendulum if we need it. Is that called a pendulum? Yeah, no, pendulum. That counts. It's all the same thing. So if we need it to help us know where the activity is strongest. You like butter? Wait, can we see if you like butter?

Starting point is 00:35:12 I don't think that's how... No, that's butter cut. I mean, you should do it with the lemon crystals. That's yellow. Yeah. That's how you find out. I don't know. Do you like lemons?

Starting point is 00:35:21 Open it under... Oh, there we go. Yeah, he likes his butter. Do you like lemons? Do I like lemons? Open it under the... Oh, there we go. Yeah, he likes his butter. Do you like lemons? Do I like lemons? No. I don't like lemons. I like lemons.

Starting point is 00:35:32 Paul, I very much... I love lemons. You love lemons. Lemons are a man's joy. Hey, vanilla fudge. I'm up for it. Now, I'm here to show you now my ghost hunting equipment that I have brought. Now, this stuff is...

Starting point is 00:35:47 This is good stuff. This is the basics you're going to need as your commoner garden ghost hunter out in the field. He knows what he's talking about. I know what I'm talking about. So here we go. First item today. It's a torch. It's just a torch.

Starting point is 00:35:58 But it's a lovely torch. But it also has infrared. So we can see. Don't show that backlight in here. There's all these strange... All this fudge has got strange patterns. It's fine. Clean as a whistle.

Starting point is 00:36:16 Yeah. Dirty whistle. I should take my trousers off before I make it. So, torch. Everyone's going to need one. We're working in the dark sometimes. You're going to need a torch. That's a good item.

Starting point is 00:36:24 Next item. Now, this one you've seen before, ladies and gentlemen, it's an old favourite on this channel. It's the EMF meter and that will... That's unbelievable! Yay! I got it in! Yeah, you got it in last time as well. You get it in every time. You get it in every time and every time it becomes...

Starting point is 00:36:41 Sometimes I'm pre-empted. Yeah, and basically this absorbs the electromagnetic frequencies in the air, and if there's a surge, maybe there's a ghost nearby, or maybe a fuse box. Paul, show them how much it goes mad when you put it near the till. Look how much it goes near the till. What does that mean? Somebody died in that till.

Starting point is 00:36:57 Someone died in the till, as Dan said. Were they very old? It does mean that the longer you spend... Did he die in the till? Yeah. How did it happen? Dan's making more stuff up now to get attention for his shop beginning to have a real serious doubt about this Dan in the till it goes into you and makes you do things like smack

Starting point is 00:37:20 tills on people's heads or maybe snap taps. Maybe. I don't know. All I'm going to say is, judging by the readings this till gives off, you are infertile now and you will not be able to have any children. For generations, your kids won't be able to have kids. That's how bad it gets. Next. Oh, the money. Now, next item. What?

Starting point is 00:37:45 Next item. What? Next item. What do you mean? Eli knows. What? I know what. I was just thinking Mary Mage. Do they have pictures of women on them? Don't get involved.

Starting point is 00:37:54 Oh, they used to. Not anymore. No. That's stupid. Right, next item. What's the question? What am I meant to know? I don't know.

Starting point is 00:38:00 Maybe the money's haunted. Is money haunted? Money can be haunted. It has oingy boingy ghosts. That's what he? Money can be haunted. It has oinky-boinky ghosts. That's what he's doing this week, everyone. Oinky-boinky ghosts. I found my theme. Right.

Starting point is 00:38:11 Shut up. Here's the next item. It is a laser pen with a grid on. I'm just going to show you this against the back. So explain. Talk us through this, Paul. It's a laser pen, but it splits up that laser into a dot matrix grid. Now, what happens is you put this to one side.

Starting point is 00:38:26 Try not to blind your co-host. In a haunted area, right? And what happens is if something is to cross that beam that can't be seen with the eye, it will cut out the laser pointer. So it's kind of like a grid. See? Oh, it's gone off. Something's walked in front of it.

Starting point is 00:38:41 You see? Oingy, oingy, oingy. Oh, we've got an oingy boingy ghost. It's a chair. walked in front of it. You see? Oh, we've got an oingy-boingy ghost. And finally, this is the big new addition to the Digitizer show today. It is a REM pod. Now, a REM pod,

Starting point is 00:38:54 I don't know really what it does, but the idea is it goes off if something goes past it. Is that named after the painter? No. REM pod the painter? I've never heard of him. REM pod, that's self portrait.

Starting point is 00:39:06 Can you look at what Rem Pod means? Renaissance painter. Rem Pod. Rem Pod the Renaissance painter. Never heard of him. Rapid energy movement. Basically, imagine this... I don't think it's the same Rem. Imagine this is like a security system. You turn it on and leave it alone, but if anything

Starting point is 00:39:22 passes by it or knocks it, it starts beeping. So... So if anything passes by it or knocks it, it starts beeping. So if anything goes past it... Should I try oingy boingy and nab it? Yeah, you go past it and it will pick up your signal as you try and cross it. Oh. You see? So it's sensitive.

Starting point is 00:39:39 But you have to be quite low. Well, I could raise it higher, just on the floor right now. Is it slitherers? Slitherers? Slitherers? If a slithering ghost comes into this shop we'll be the first to know. Slitherers? Slitherers. Like a slithering across the ground.

Starting point is 00:39:54 Like this. Ghostly tummies. I'll show you now. Hobbled ghost. Dan says there's a hobbled ghost. I'm slithering. Keep going so you can set it off. I'm slithering so there we go we can leave this in that in a haunted area and if anything goes near and you've seen how sensitive it is and how close you gotta get then a ghost will set it off and we'll know I suggest we decamp to

Starting point is 00:40:20 the back room for a bit and turn the lights off in here but put you a bit yeah yeah yeah and we can watch from the cctv yes if anything happens this is it this is what we should be doing not shitting about in the woods like we always do we're not in the woods i know i'm just saying this is good we're not about in the woods for a change there is wood in here there's a wood panel yeah i've got wood mate you've got wood i've got wood mate i've got wood mate i've got wood my wood do you know what they call my wood he says looking at all the candy shots they call my wood the coconut mushroom top shelf yeah there we go no and they call yours the dolly mixture don't they they call mine bullseyes oh god all, that's what it's come down to has it?

Starting point is 00:41:06 Filth. Right, so that's that now. Let's begin this experimentation on Ghost Hunt tonight. There's the security system. Orbs. Orbs. Hey, maybe there's some orbs that are called sweet-cold orbs. I bet there are. Sour orbs. That's a hole in the market for that.

Starting point is 00:41:41 Oh, there was one. There was one. Okay, let's keep it quiet. Right, so we've got to be focused now because we're in the back room checking the security camera and we're watching for orbs on the security. If we don't see anything this time, we can try and summon it with the Ouija board.

Starting point is 00:41:54 Yes. We might need to generate some spectral activity. Yeah. Should we do something to attract the ghosts? Well, we've seen some orbs. There's another one. Oh, Dan. It's dust.

Starting point is 00:42:05 Is there any particular time of day or anything that particularly causes greater... It tends to be... I don't know if it's connected. Oh. When I get angry at a customer. Oh. That's when things start to move.

Starting point is 00:42:19 Have you ever seen Carrie? Oh, I see. It all rattles. So you think you're the centre of all this? Or them. Or they are. What kind of things make you angry? Maybe we can re-enact an anger-causing scene?

Starting point is 00:42:35 If somebody comes in and says, I feel like a kid in a sweet shop. Oh, that will set you off. Yeah. Somebody will come in and say... If they come in and say, I'm a oingy boingy ghost no that everyone loves that no one loves that also look there's a what's that doing here well the severed head there's a severed head on the shop shelf which is obviously very concerning paul look chili millies it says there we've tasted those yes investigating now where's my doodad me EMF all I could find out when I looked up REM pod yeah

Starting point is 00:43:19 it's just another bullshit thing oh yeah no better all bullshit I'm sure they're just like it's basic security yeah but now it sets it off when there's a disturbance or when you go near it, so it's kind of the same difference. I'm going to go back into the shop and just pick up my equipment. Got me laser grid, got me EMF meter, so I'm just going to sit here now I'm going to put the EMF meter over here right in the middle of the shop floor and I'm going to sit back and just view now, see if we can find it

Starting point is 00:43:54 if there are any ghosts here present in this building, in this room please come into the safety and loving warmth of our investigation I have a little green candle on the floor, which I'd like you to interact with if you so fancy it. So come forward, any ghosts, any spooky ghosts.

Starting point is 00:44:21 I can hear music. I'm pretty sure that's from another shop next door, probably cleaning up and having a bit of music on. It kind of ruins the mood when you can hear some kind of Brazilian dance music in the background, but there you go. The camera's still moving. I'm just sitting here in the dark, surrounded by candy and the dead.

Starting point is 00:44:43 I'm just doing an experiment, Eli. I've got my EMF meter in the middle of the room. The REM pod's on. What is that piped music? Is that Muzak? No, I think it's someone's personal music because it came on and it came right... Someone stepped by the door.

Starting point is 00:44:59 I saw someone stand by the door and the music got loud and then they walked away. So maybe it's security or something. I don't like it. You don't have to. That's why I'm sitting here in the dark eli check the monitor see if you can see anything on the infrared that isn't being picked up here because you don't know do you right he's gone back to the security camera now where we've got a full shot what there's people outside. Obviously there is.

Starting point is 00:45:29 There's probably someone coughing outside. I think it's a ghost. It's a child. A consumptive child who died. No, I think it's just a security person. It all just went past your head, by the way. Did it? It all went past my head? It all went right past your head. Why does that keep going off and on's because I keep pressing it by accident.

Starting point is 00:45:51 Mate, I think we're being taken for a ride here so we can just give free advertising to this place. Oh, God. Nothing? There's nothing to be made of someone who came in and asked for nuts. Oh God. Nothing. There's nothing to be made of someone who came in and asked for nuts. Yes. And I tried to hide it, but when I tried to move, it all came out the back end. I tried not to.

Starting point is 00:46:22 I didn't fart on sweets. I did a few outside. When I'm trying to pull down a pipe pot. I did a few farts outside. One squeezed out right now. I think that's valid. It might be. This is a shit show.

Starting point is 00:46:37 This is a fucking shit show. This is a con and a scam. And we're in this bloody haunted house. And I had some quiet and now there's all this going on all this crap I'll do windy plops if I want I can't help it I'd rather be in the woods I'd rather be in the woods again than in here I went to get me tissue no I had to get me tissue

Starting point is 00:47:01 I went to get me tissue. Did you fart again? Did you fart on your... No, I had to get me tissue. Stop farting on our end. That's me in the corner. Shall we do like a quick test? A quick Ouija board test. Wait, I'm going to put the mirror down near the chair.

Starting point is 00:47:15 Alright, put it on the chair. So the mirror can attract the ghost to the chair. And then if somebody wants to start saying things that are going to anger the ghost oh flappy hey why sheety oh you've sold your big sheet you big you willy sort your sheets your big willy i'm insulting the ghost paul oh drifty oh look at you oh You're insulting the ghost, Paul. Oh, Drifty. Oh, look at you.

Starting point is 00:47:45 Oh, oh, woo. You willock. Right. I've done my bit, Paul. Come on, you're a serious ghost. Well, I think, I think... I've been sitting here doing incantations. The ghost doesn't like it when people say, I'd like one of everything.

Starting point is 00:47:57 No, Dan doesn't like that. No, but Dan is not a ghost. Wait. No, he is. His anger. Dan's a ghost. Dan's the ghost. Don't be stupid. No, his anger is like a ghost. He's a living ghost. His anger attracts a ghost. Wait. No, he is. What do you mean Dan's a ghost? Dan's the ghost. Don't be stupid.

Starting point is 00:48:06 He's a living ghost. His anger attracts the ghost. He's just there now. He's not. He's a ghost. I knew Dan was a ghost. Okay. Look, perhaps if we could recreate a scene in which he gets angry,

Starting point is 00:48:19 the ghost will be fooled into thinking you are actually angry. Let's put the lights on. No. Do it in the dark. I'll do it. I'll find it. I can do Right, let's put the lights on. No. Do it in the dark. Oh, do it. I'll find it. I can do these lights here. Just these ones here.

Starting point is 00:48:28 God. So what should I say? Okay. We can all take it in turns. Try and hang it down. Okay. I don't remember the phrases. All right, let's all take it in turns to be unruly customers and upset Dan.

Starting point is 00:48:38 Not unruly. Yeah. You come to the counter, you ask. Stop setting that off, then, you tick. Tick. You tick-tock. You ticky tick-tock boy. Right, so Eli, go to this counter and irate Dan. Dan's put on some kind of glove.

Starting point is 00:48:56 Plastic glove. I'm going to go and anger Dan. Right, okay, he's getting into character. Right, here we go. All right. Yep, I'll have one of everything. Yep. Yep.

Starting point is 00:49:09 No, you won't. I'll have a quarter of everything. Oh, I'll tell you what. Yep. This is far too real. I'll have a... Yep. Do you do...

Starting point is 00:49:19 Yep. I think, if anything Dan won that one I've got enough I've remembered another thing that angers Dan go on do you want to do it again

Starting point is 00:49:30 yeah I'll let him stand in here we go lemon crystals what are they same granularity same sort of granularity he's not very angry

Starting point is 00:49:40 is he he's not very go away let Biffo have a go right we're going to try and get Dan angry to encourage the goats to come. So, Mr Biffo, would you now be a customer and irate Dan for us? And action.

Starting point is 00:49:52 You got any non-woke sweets? Non-woke sweets? Yeah, sweets that aren't woke. I'd say anything that isn't sugar-free and vegan. Probably up your alley there. A vegan? You want me to have vegan sweets? And and vegan. Probably up your alley there. A vegan? You want me to have vegan sweets? I'm not vegan.

Starting point is 00:50:10 It's like being a kid in a sweet shop, this, isn't it? That one, yes. I feel like a kid in a sweet shop. I haven't really thought any of this through. No, you did say you want non-woke. Perhaps the lion sleeps tonight and it's not woke. I'm going again.

Starting point is 00:50:21 I'm going again. He's going in for another one. Here we go. You got any of those? Can I serve the guy behind you? I know, I see that you're there. I'll have one of everything. All right, what do you want? Well, they used to be brown. Well, they're not brown. But no, I don't know, because they changed the recipe, I think, because health and safety.

Starting point is 00:50:52 They're like sweets. They're like sweets. Yeah. What shape is it? They're like kind of some of them are round, and you've got the long ones like that. See, like that. Wine gums?

Starting point is 00:51:04 No, not wine gums. See, like that. Wine gums? No, no. Not wine gums. This is like that Python sketch but awful in every respect. Do you know what it was like earlier? It's not meant to be a sketch. It's meant to attract ghosts. I was going to say you two with the dueling microphones. It was like that Roger Whittaker Python sketch.

Starting point is 00:51:20 Lion sleeps. I'd like to return this. We've both crapped out there Eli is anyone feeling angrier no I'm more confused and tired tired you're not angry are you

Starting point is 00:51:35 because it's fake isn't it it's all coming back to me to be honest this is very real what if Eli just strokes off right now would that make you mad what's the weirdest thing? Has anyone stroked off in your shop? I want to know.

Starting point is 00:51:51 What's the weirdest thing? What's the weirdest thing you've seen get stroked off? Oh, dear. Can I just ask before we move on from this failed segment? Oh, dear. What are... Can I just ask before we move on from this failed segment? What are fudge crunk? It's supposed to be fudge. Fudge crunk.

Starting point is 00:52:16 Well, this didn't work at all. We haven't added that. No, this hasn't worked at all. Unless we do legitimately try and do something that pisses Dan off. That is an option. So I stroke him off? Yeah. How do I unlock this stuff something that pisses Dan off. That is an option. So I stroke him off? Yeah. I'll use the glove.

Starting point is 00:52:30 I'll use that glove he's got there. It might be annoying you. Now you've knocked the mic over, you stupid idiot! I mean, it's the ghost we're trying to anger, not Dan. Yeah, but Dan says that when he gets angry, sweets move around. Oh, I see. So that causes the activity. Okay, how about this?

Starting point is 00:52:50 What if, because we know anger is a secondary emotion, usually it's covering sadness. So maybe the ghost is actually really sad. No, let's just talk to the ghost with a Ouija board. Now look what's happened, Dan. All right, let's talk to the ghost with a Ouija board. Let's talk to the Ouija board ghost. Is this an assault course? No, let's just talk to the ghost with a Ouija board. Now look what's happened Dan! Alright, let's talk to the ghost with a Ouija board. Let's talk to the Ouija board ghost. Is this an assault course? Or no, that comes after.

Starting point is 00:53:10 I haven't got one, it's not mine, I don't know. All we need this stuff here for is the salty energy. Where's my planchette, Sanya? Your? This is the thing that goes with the Ouija board. It's the disc that you have to put on. We can't anger Dan. He's too cool.

Starting point is 00:53:26 I've seen another reason someone might have died and become a ghost in here. Tango shockers. Shock to death. Mate, don't. Just don't. The lion sleeps. You're making us look all bike tonight. It's not woke.

Starting point is 00:53:37 Why is it not woke? I don't understand. The lion sleeps tonight. Oh, we're awake. What's that got to do with woke? It's a little bit racist-y, isn't it? No, it's... Very racist-y. Look, okay, can we move away. What's that got to do with woke? It's a little bit racist-y, isn't it?

Starting point is 00:53:45 No, it's... Very racist-y. OK, can we move away from which week's the most racist? Oh, it's gone off. Oh, you went near it. No one saw me. There's no camera footage to prove that. I'm a little bit scared, so I'm staying out of this. At least it works.

Starting point is 00:54:01 We're just testing it. Hold on a minute. If there aren't ghosts, are you not going to bring ghosts? I've seen... Yeah, that's true. We could be introducing ghosts. Well, that's okay. We don't want to bring ghosts.

Starting point is 00:54:10 Speak for yourself. I want to bring ghosts on camera. You should first ask Dan's permission whether he would like ghosts. Dan, can we bring ghosts here? Can we introduce ghosts into the shop? So we're going to get a ghost on the go. Right. So you all put one little finger on it,

Starting point is 00:54:38 right, and it's going to take a while, so don't rush it. Ask us what we're doing, how do we make this begin? Right, so let me just set it up for our listeners we have a Ouija board on the floor uh Mr Biffo uh Dan and Eli Silverman have their fingers on the planchette on top of a Ouija board with the yes and the no and the ABCs and everything like that and all you're going to do is just call out and ask for anyone who might be here to come through and speak to you via the board. All right.

Starting point is 00:55:06 It's really that simple. So one of you, maybe you, Eli, maybe you can just talk out loud now and say, welcome spirit. We welcome you to talk through our spirit board. Welcome any spirits around here. Welcome to our spirit board. Please make yourself aware to us. Oh God, can I start wet... Oh, God.

Starting point is 00:55:25 Can I start again? Please, please do. Hello, local spirits. Please come forth and make your presence known to us through this spirit board. What was that? It was a ghost. Did you fart or did you keep grunting?

Starting point is 00:55:42 That was... Don't... If that was your arse, Paul, I'm at arse level. He made a noise with his mouth. Thank God for that. Look, he loves those noises. Stop it, don't, it's ruining the atmosphere. I was ruining the atmosphere before anyway with my bum hole.

Starting point is 00:55:55 What happens if your finger comes off? You can swap fingers if you get tired. It's not a hard and fast rule. You are? Is there anyone around here? Right, here's the mirror. We've put the scrying mirror in front of the candles by the Ouija board, and we have Dan, Eli, and Mr. Biffo around it.

Starting point is 00:56:12 So it's going to take a while. These things, you can't rush them. They happen when they happen. But at some point, you may feel a pull or a push, and you might feel that all of a sudden you want, or you're willing it, or you're feeling it drawn to a letter, or yes or no. Once you make that connection, maybe then ask a question. And then with that question, like for a name, or yes and no, such and such.

Starting point is 00:56:34 Lewis, are you called Arnold? Are you going to go for every name? You should have started with Aaron then. Do you have a name? Are you here? Is there anybody here? There's a lot of questions I've got to get through.

Starting point is 00:56:48 Okay. I've got a question. Well, it's... Are you a man or a woman? Do you have glasses? This isn't Guess Who. This is the worst thing I've ever done in my life.

Starting point is 00:57:02 No. The other time we did a Ouija board was the worst time. That was when some guy said beans, remember? Someone said, the other time we did a Ouija board was the worst time. That was when some guy said beans, remember? Someone said beans. Someone came through with a Ouija board and it was like, what's your favourite meal? And the ghost went beans.

Starting point is 00:57:12 So, yeah, it's a true fact. Is that true? Yeah. Have you known there's a town near here called Bean? Did you know that? Yeah, I did, yeah. Yeah, we passed it on the way here. We passed a town called Bean.

Starting point is 00:57:21 I've never been there. You've never been there? I want to go there and do a video and report on it. Bean, and I would call it Bean There Done That. Hey, all roads lead to Bean. Just that I want to do. Yeah, no, it's good. It's a good idea.

Starting point is 00:57:33 I don't think anyone's coming through, Paul. You have to give it time. These don't come through. Sometimes it can take half an hour. Sometimes it can take half an hour, mate. Half an hour? Yes. Is there anything we can do to speed it up?

Starting point is 00:57:45 We've got to generate, maybe we need to generate something. I'm going to hold some salt soup. Did you see it? It did shift there. It did didn't it? To what? To S. Closer to S.

Starting point is 00:57:57 I'm waving the cream of tomato soup now. Is it the point of it or the hole that we're looking for in terms of indication? The amethyst near the board to amplify the psychic energy. What's better, hole or tip? I always put the tip in first and if they like it, then I put the whole of it in. Does that happen often? Yeah, not as often as I'd like.

Starting point is 00:58:17 So I've put the amphicrystal crystal. Amethyst, it likes that. Yeah, that's definitely had an effect on it now. Are you called Arnold? He's pointing at F. Aaron Ayst, it likes that. Yeah, that's definitely had an effect on it now. Why are you called Arnold? He's pointing at F. Aaron A. Aaronson. Amethyst, Arnold Amethyst. Don't ruin it every time with a fart noise.

Starting point is 00:58:35 He really is an obnoxious... How are we meant to attract a ghost? They're just going to think there's a twat in here. Have you thought that ghosts may be attracted to flatulence? He was cheating at Stobart earlier as well. I wasn't cheating at Stobart. Oh, it's gone. It went to no.

Starting point is 00:58:49 He's on my side. The ghost went to no to say that I hadn't been cheating. This ghost knows. It's not pointing at anything. It's pointing at the words that say spirit ball. It's not meant to point. It's meant to be where the little circle goes, isn't it? Well, it's not on anything.

Starting point is 00:59:00 Yeah, I know. The circle, not the tip. But it tried to go all the way. To where? It's the hole, not the tip you need to worry about. What? That's the opposite of what you just said. I know, but I was making a dirty joke last time.

Starting point is 00:59:10 Swapping fingers again. Swap fingers. Do you like being in a sweet shop? There was a little bit of movement there, just a tiny bit. A little bit? Where did it go? Inch towards yes. Inch, inch, inch.

Starting point is 00:59:21 It could be a shy ghost. Are you a shy guy? Are you a super fly guy? We don't know the gender of this ghost called Arnold yet either. Are you? I'm sure it is. I have a feeling. It could be a female called Arnolda.

Starting point is 00:59:39 Or Arnoldina. Arnoldina. Arnoldess. Isn't that what Arnold Schwarzenegger's daughter is actually called? Arnoldina? How many sweets in here, Isn't that what Arnold Schwarzenegger's daughter is actually called? Arnoldina? How many sweets in here, Paul? How many sweets in this whole shop? Oh.

Starting point is 00:59:51 It moved to S. He didn't like it when I talked about something else apart from her. Yeah, he wanted to talk about Arnold. S. S. So, S. Is that your first name? Does it begin with S?

Starting point is 01:00:01 Maybe move to the second letter of your name. Oh, the whole board moved. It's not working, Paul. Oh, it's gone to B. So the initials S, B. Who do we know with the initials S, B? Superboy.

Starting point is 01:00:17 Sandra Bullock. Sandra Bullock. Two. It's the clown of Sandra Bullock It was the second thing we said When I said Slarty Barfast Sandra Bullock Sean Bean 2

Starting point is 01:00:31 Oh it's gone off the board And it's continuing To be moved by Biffo's Chungus finger What does that mean Paul Slarnaldina lives in the mirror Slarnaldina lives in the mirror. Slarnaldina.

Starting point is 01:00:47 Slarnaldina. SB2. SB2. SB2. Superfly guy. SB2. Maybe it's a postcode. Right, now we've done this. What's the postcode?

Starting point is 01:00:54 SB2. Should we leave this? Leave there and save it. Should we leave this? Check the, again, what's on the screen. Yeah. Now that we've summoned something. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:01:07 Now that we know there is something. Let's check the security camera for orbs. Can we just get a shot of the mirror here, please, Sanya? Of the planchette touching the mirror. Oi! Oh! Oh, my God. Don't do that!

Starting point is 01:01:19 I didn't see it there. You did. I just saw you hovering your foot over it in a temptuous way. It was Slartinartina. I love Tina Slartinartina. At a certain point, he gives up on words and just starts saying things that amuse him. At least one of them's amused.

Starting point is 01:01:35 Well, only him. He's only ever amused by his own stupid trickery. Right, so we're going to turn the lights out again. We're going to look for signs of something in here. Have you got your laser? Yeah, it's got me laser. I can even set it up if you want. I can set it up to stand.

Starting point is 01:01:47 Hang on, I'll do that. How many sweets can you spot that are also the name of a band? I'm not playing a sweet game with you. Vanilla fudge. Is that the name of a band? Yes. Well, how am I meant to know that? Because you should be better informed about it.

Starting point is 01:02:00 Lemon crystals. Is that the name of a band? Cherry lips. Is that the name of a band? No, I think that might be the only one. Floral gums. Milk teeth. They all sound like 70s bands to be fair. Lemon Crystals, is that the name of a band? Cherry Lips, is that the name of a band? Floral Gums, Milk Teeth. They all sound like 70s bands, to be fair. Maybe they were pointing to the initials of a jar of sweets.

Starting point is 01:02:14 Yeah, maybe. SB. So, SB. Let's find out what... Are there salty bananas? Sweet bananas. Are there sour bananas? SB. Or sweet bananas? Sweet bananas. Or sour bananas? Sour bananas. Are there sour bananas?

Starting point is 01:02:30 Sour beads. Sour balls. Are there sour balls? I've got it. Strawberry. Strawberry too. So what does two mean? Have we got anything priced at two pounds, Dan?

Starting point is 01:02:40 Mate, are you using a Ouija board to advertise your low, low at this sweet shop because that's what it sounds like. Can anyone else think of a band that is sorry I know this isn't on this is not this is what you want to do isn't it it's not what we're doing sorry do what we want to do. It is BS though. Yeah this is all BS. Tobacco to me. I found another one. All BS. I found another one. Sherbonds. Wow. Sherbonds.

Starting point is 01:03:09 Sherbonds are a mixture of two different categories of sweets, like the liminal zone between the living and the dead. There we are. Perhaps that was what Arnold Feener was pointing us towards. And elderly people love them. It's all coming together. Sherbonds, I never even knew they existed. I didn't know. It seems like a chimera of a candy.

Starting point is 01:03:27 Chimera. No one says chimera. Yeah, because that's the correct way to say it. Chimera. You've never said that word out loud before now. Just admit it. I've said chimera out loud. It's not called a chimera.

Starting point is 01:03:37 It's chimera. Does it matter? Banana split. Schedule. Schedule. What do they call the banana splits? Well, we've got a choice of two at the moment. SB.

Starting point is 01:03:47 Na, na, na, na, na, na. That's the banana splits, isn't it? Na, na, na, na, na, na. So now what do we do? What is the ghost trying to tell us through the share bonds? Oh, that's a good idea, isn't it? See if the share bonds set it off. We're going to put the share bonds down by the Ouija board.

Starting point is 01:04:04 I'll put the share bonds down by the Ouija board. I'll put the sherbons down by the Ouija board. What are these ones called? They're called... They didn't like those. They're the ones you... What are these called? Milk what? Snowys.

Starting point is 01:04:17 Oh, Snowys. They're not for you. Put them back. Stop being... I don't want no Snowys. They're disgusting little tablets of puke. This is... I'm genuinely concerned that this is the easily the worst Halloween ghost hunt we've ever done. And we've faked the load in the past.

Starting point is 01:04:33 We've actually created narrative episodes in our houses, which we can control the content. But instead, no, we're sitting here in a sweet shop, subliminally advertising this shop in Chatham, which is what it's called come down to. People are going to walk away with no ghosts but plenty of hot tips for what they want to eat on the candy store. I'm going to take a break, I'm getting angry. Dan you can be honest with us, off the record right I'm not recording this it's not haunted this place is it you just got him down here for

Starting point is 01:05:11 your own needs you just want to promote the shop for digitiser don't you yes well my mother thinks the place is haunted I don't how much stock do you put in your mum's opinion of haunted sweet shops none I'll tell you a story

Starting point is 01:05:25 Where I live, my sister slept in the spare room And swears that she Made love to a ghost in there She thinks there's an incubus in there Well, first of all Where's the house? Where's the room? And give me half an hour I've slept in that room many a time

Starting point is 01:05:42 And you weren't stroked off by anything No, it doesn't like me Stroked off is my no it doesn't like me stroked off is my word that's your word my Halloween stroke off boingy boingy stroke off we'll help

Starting point is 01:05:52 keep this lie going if it makes him look like a fucking idiot alright because what's the worst that can possibly happen here today nothing right

Starting point is 01:05:58 there's no ghost no nothing if you would alright can I ask a question yeah let's ask a question what was your mum's, sort of, was there any specifics that she gave you about

Starting point is 01:06:07 what type of ghost? Was it literally just moving swigs? Temperature dropped. That kind of thing. Sound. Oh my god. What the fuck? What is the fuck that? That goes to the alleyway, right?

Starting point is 01:06:24 Outside. Answer that. That goes to the alleyway, right? Outside? That goes to that corridor. You're going to make me answer it. No, I'll go. But this corridor doesn't go anywhere, right? It's just that long corridor out the back. Okay, here we go. It's tickled beans! No, it's Venus!

Starting point is 01:06:58 It's Halloween! Venus is here for Halloween! Yeah, Halloween! The beep's gone off. What was that? What was that beep? The beep's gone off. It's gone off it's all this penis penis is here penis is here he came from the nowhere corridor

Starting point is 01:07:16 what's that you hear that what's that ding ding ding what was that that ding ding ding was in here he like oh these ghost sneezes I'm frightened. Ghosts don't... Clean your hands now before you touch any more fucking pick-a-mix you dirty, dirty, dirty, fat-handed clod. Don't stay out there. If we stay out here, Venus won't find us. Venus has got a fucking knife.

Starting point is 01:07:41 Yeah, I know it's a real knife. That's the problem with him. He goes the whole fucking way. Venus doesn't usually have fucking knife. It's a real knife. Yeah, I know it's a real knife. That's the problem with him. He goes the whole fucking way. Well, a penis doesn't usually have a knife, does he? No, he doesn't have a knife. He shouldn't even be here. Why has he got a mask on? I've got a big knife.

Starting point is 01:07:52 Yeah, no, I know. It's a big... It's a real knife. No, I know. It's a real knife. For Halloween. That's my trick. Oh, penis.

Starting point is 01:08:00 I can't see anything in there, Dan. In your sweet shop that I've come to. Do you want some lights on, Venus? Yeah, that'd be lovely. Yeah, let's put some lights on because it's all getting a little bit too much in here now with the ding-ding-dings and the Venus. Oh, hello, everyone.

Starting point is 01:08:13 Hello. Hello, Paul. Oh, God. Where were you? Why have you come here? Where are you? You've seen Trick or Treat for Halloween, haven't you? Oh, right.

Starting point is 01:08:20 You know what I am. Oh, God. I ate a liver with some baked beans. Hannibal Venus? Yes, right, that's him. Something like that. One of them. What's this all about then?

Starting point is 01:08:33 What's this place here? Real knife. It's a real knife, that, Paul. You know what? Just stop. It actually is a real knife. Look, look. He's stabbing things now

Starting point is 01:08:45 I'm just going to go ahead and say I'm not happy with this development That was the noise that I heard earlier Did you make a ting ting in the outside space? Ting ting? Did you make a ting ting in the outside space? Because when we were in here I used the toilet like a good boy

Starting point is 01:09:02 Don't you dare This is that face you pull When you start getting on his vibe Because when we were in here... I use the toilet like a good boy. Don't you dare. What? This is that face you pull when you start getting on his vibe and you start becoming a Venus acolyte. I'm not an acolyte. I just respect some of Venus's work. What work? I'm not sure that was something that's safe to do.

Starting point is 01:09:18 You don't like the fact I've got the real knife, do you? Nope. I'm just going to go ahead and say, no one likes the fact you've got a fucking knife right now. It's funny, isn't it? No, no, you know what's funny? Not jumping out at me in a fucking alleyway with a sharp knife. What's the number one thing about Halloween?

Starting point is 01:09:35 Death. Yeah, scary. Scary. Horror. What's more horrible than that? The problem is, we heard that ding-ding in here. The ding-ding, maybe it was an omen from before. The before or something.

Starting point is 01:09:51 A time-travelling omen sound. Great addition to the mythology. So, you got any beans? Ding. Jelly beans. All right. I like jelly beans. I tell you what, why don't we have...

Starting point is 01:10:07 We should have a little taste test. We should do a little taste test snack, shouldn't we? Yeah, I'm up for that. Yeah, let's do that, because I've got some Halloween treats as well. All right. This is exciting. Look how brave I am. I'll wave that around my face.

Starting point is 01:10:20 Venus, I'm not sure that's safe. Don't care. Do you think I'm really... Can I ask you a question? Can you drive? Um, no. Okay, so we can't allow Paul to cut himself dangerously. Who?

Starting point is 01:10:33 Venus dangerously. Because then we can't get home tonight. So we've got to let him do this. Oh, yeah, that's right. And hope he doesn't cut a major artery in his. That's really not safe, Venus. It is a knife. It's not meant to be safe,

Starting point is 01:10:45 but it's cut. Do you know what? He's got a point, but let's just, for now... No, wait, wait, I've got a little surprise coming up. Yeah. Do you know what it is?

Starting point is 01:10:52 I'm going to attack you. No, you know, don't throw a knife at me. Eat your heart. I'm going to eat your heart. You know what? I'm going to use that to chop off your little bean.

Starting point is 01:11:00 My little beanus? Yeah, you're tiny. I'm going to cut off your beanus, your bean eye. Yeah. I'm going to chop off your bean eye. I don't like when things are like horror. Dip it in crystal apple crystals. Dan, Dan, dealer's choice, where you going first?

Starting point is 01:11:14 Whatever you want. Oh, here we go. Cop Cops. What are Cop Cops? Well, there's some Cop Cops stuck to the bottom of that. Put your hand in that and eat the dust. Eat the dust. Get the dust off your hand. What is it? Oh, they haven't got a cup. Eat the dust. Get the dust off your hand.

Starting point is 01:11:25 What is it? Oh, they don't look good. They don't look good. What is it? Aniseed licorice. Aniseed licorice. Wow. Which one?

Starting point is 01:11:34 Aniseed licorice. Like aniseed rice. I can smell the aniseed. That's got a very strong anisette smell. I don't like licorice, but I do like aniseed. I'll try it if you you know the minute i said i wanted one he ate it oh i would love one actually thank you very much dan that's like a really intense aniseed ball oh let's have a little go i'm gonna have a little go with this now oh they're

Starting point is 01:11:56 great bit salty oh i can smell them oh they've got very i'm not getting a chewy scent oh it is give it some time wait for the chewy centre to come. It's not going to come out of that. Oh, I like that, man. Yeah, I like that. That's quite nice. That's the perfect... It's a aniseed ball, but with a sweeter.

Starting point is 01:12:14 With a boiled sweet sweetness. Nice fruity aniseed flavour. Minas, did you want to... What are you doing, then? You what? I just came for Halloween. Yeah, I know. I know you came for Halloween I'm doing a taste test

Starting point is 01:12:28 You're wandering around with a knife and I don't like it Do you know what my main thing is Paul? Stabbing people Beans, I like beans What have you got there Dan? Zombie bombs, I would love a zombie bomb Look they're Black but dusty

Starting point is 01:12:43 Oh nice smell though i don't know what that hoof is but i like it it's a fruity hot but there's a sourness that is the beauty show me both hands at the same time oh my god oh that's extremely sour that's quite so sweet is it gonna stop being sour any size it hasn't stopped being that's chilly sour. That's quite sour, sweet. Is it going to stop being sour any time soon? It hasn't stopped being. That's chilli as well. It's got chilli. R.I.P.

Starting point is 01:13:11 Your tooth is down more. Oh, fuck me. I actually can't get through this without him. I'm going to power through. I'm powering through. I'm powering through. Don't get that camera out of my face. That's such a weird hot and sour at the same time.

Starting point is 01:13:26 I've never had that before. No. It's quite braising. I think it's some endorphins coming out. I want to fight. Should we have a fight? I'm getting really hyped off this. He's just staring at the back.

Starting point is 01:13:35 I think Venus is there if you want to get actually physically violent. Should I have a wrestle with Venus? No, he's got a knife. It's coming. You seem genuinely slightly... Yeah, have a zombie one. Have a zombie bomb, Venus. They're quite the thing,

Starting point is 01:13:51 Mr. Venus, so be careful. He's like entering one into his gobble. How do you like that? How's that going for you? Venus has glitched it out. Eli, look! He's having a moment. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Oh dear. It's hot and sour isn't it? It's hot and sour. What do you call that, Dan?

Starting point is 01:14:33 Oh well what an exciting candy that was. I give it 7 out of 10 on the fun factor alone. It's alright, it's gone nice now. It's gone nice. But once the sour and the heat has died down. What is that flavour profile, though? It's a generic fruit flavour. It's a generic fruit flavour. But once you fight through, Venus, it's quite a lovely sweet. Quite nice now.

Starting point is 01:14:53 Don't mind that. I'll have another one of them. Oh, we've got sour bombs. These are scary sweets. Oh, is this like spin the bottle? Dan has got warheads. It's getting sour again. Is it?

Starting point is 01:15:09 Yeah, there's another layer. There's crystals of it. It's burning inside of Venus' mouth. The roof of his mouth. I hope I can still taste beans. Eli, I'll do apple super sour squirt. Which one do you want? I've still got a bunch of zombie bomb going off in my mouth. Yeah, this will wash it out. I'm going to do it. I'll do whatever you two don't want got a bunch of zombie bomb going off in my mouth. Let's all wash it out. Yeah, let's all wash it out.

Starting point is 01:15:25 I'm going to do it. I'll do whatever you two don't want. Alright, so I'm going to do apple. Which one do you want? Blue raspberry or strawberry? Blue raspberry because I want to know what the taste of blue raspberry is. Right, okay. Bear with me as I open. Because this is kind of like a squirt cap. It's like three pouches of gel. Trio gel super sour.

Starting point is 01:15:41 I'm going to open the green cap. There are two others here. I am squirting. I love beans. Yes, we know. Fuck me. It's my thing. It's my main thing. Right, here we go. With the green. Are we not all doing it at the same time? What's that like, Paul? It's weird. It's kind of like slurry

Starting point is 01:15:58 but with apple. It's got a weird texture like it's crushed up apples. There's a lumpiness to the texture. It's very thick. Are they actual bits though? Look at that. Oh, hang on. It's a thick gel. like it's crushed up apples. There's a lumpiness to the texture. It's very thick. Are there actual bits, though? Look at that. Oh, hang on. It's a thick gel. Oh, it looks a bit like ectoplasm.

Starting point is 01:16:10 Yeah. Right, go on. Your go now. I have to spit out my... It was your mouth. Right, Eli has to spit his little sweetie out. The taste are going. Right, I've excavated.

Starting point is 01:16:23 Here we go. Okay, hold on. What am I doing? Blue Rars. I need to be able to see you, Eli. Now, I actually want to know what Blue Rars is so I can identify it. Oh, Paul. That was Venus.

Starting point is 01:16:36 You've been farting, burping, talking about fucking dogs. That's been your whole thing today. I'm stroking off. I don't like any of those sort of things. You should, though. They're good for you. No, I like PG. Paul, Karen. dogs that's been your whole thing i don't like any of those sort of things they should though they're good for you no i like pg oh that tastes like apple puree but more that is severely unpleasant but i'm getting a sugar hit a mile wide off it it's not super sour but it's got a kind of tang i'm going back for more there's a set you want more don't you

Starting point is 01:17:00 kind of tang. I'm going back for more, there's a shirt. Yeah, no, you want more, don't you? Sucking that bag hard. Look at him. That's fucking... Apparently he reminds me

Starting point is 01:17:09 of like a little rat. Yeah, he does, doesn't he? He looks like a little rat. Fuck off. Little rat boy. Oh, nice to you. It's him you fucking want to... Just the way you're eating.

Starting point is 01:17:19 Yeah, just the way you're eating reminded everyone of a rat. Oh, that's giving me instant ardour. Right, we're going on to Venus now and he's going to try the strawberry warhead sour gel right he's squirting it in what how's it going how is the strawberry venus's nose is coming through his eye hole well that wasn't very sour at all. Did you enjoy the flavour profile?

Starting point is 01:17:47 Quite nice, that's quite strawberry like. I didn't like the sort of lumpy, undissolved sugar. It's got a weird lump in hasn't it? Use the knife around me, Jesus use your fingers. Tickle! Tickle you! You know what, because you've got a knife, that movement was fucking horrifying. Don't come at me. I'm tickling you.

Starting point is 01:18:04 Don't come at me. Just don't come at me! I'm tickling you! Don't come at me! Just don't come at me anymore with knives and shit. That's my hand! I don't care, you have two hands and one of them has a knife. I'm gonna try these bottles then. Trick or treat. No, I'll trick or treat your dick off. I've also brought stuff that my partner got in America and brought... I'm going to get... Where's my bag?

Starting point is 01:18:35 Is my bag round behind you? Right, hang on. I've got a ghost hunting kit for all of them. Wipes. You've got wipes. Because it's a shitty ghost. Look, when I've got everybody, I've also brought my own candy. And I've brought limited edition Flz pumpkin spice covered pretzels.

Starting point is 01:18:50 And it's pretzels covered in spice. I hate the taste of pumpkin spice. Of what? Pumpkin spice. Thank you. I don't think I've ever had pumpkin spice before. I don't think I've ever had this before, I'd be interested to see what it's like. You've had a pumpkin spice at the barter?

Starting point is 01:19:01 Yeah but not at Flipz. I don't like spicy food Paul. I don't like anything too spicy. It just says pumpkin spice, I don't know what that's like. You've had a pumpkin spice at the barter. Yeah, but not at Flips. I don't like spicy food, Paul. I don't like anything too spicy. It just says pumpkin spice. I don't know what that's going to suggest. Huge admission from Venus, everyone.

Starting point is 01:19:12 I don't like spicy beans. He doesn't like spicy beans. I thought you liked beans, though. I love beans. I love pumpkin beans. If you ruin them with a bit of spice, they're not for me. Sniff that.

Starting point is 01:19:25 That's not unpleasant. It smells like a... If you ruin them with a bit of spice, they're not for me. Ah, they're not even proper kids anymore. No, not unpleasant. It's not unpleasant. It smells like a... Oh, look. It looks like a kind of... Yeah, like a buttery one. Look, oh, it's quite nice. It's a flips-covered chocolate pretzel with a...

Starting point is 01:19:37 Don't eat it, Fanny. Here we go. I'm going to have one. Do you ever want one? Yeah, I want one. I'll cut mine up and have one nice. I'll tell you? Yeah, I want one. I can cut mine up in one night. I'll tell you what pretzels look like. What?

Starting point is 01:19:49 E.T. They do? They look like E.T. They're all right. It hasn't got any of that cocoa taste. There's no that bitterness that plays against the pretzel. Too sweet. They're all right.

Starting point is 01:20:00 Would you prefer like a dark chocolate flip or that? Dark chocolate. Exactly. I think so, yeah. I've or that? Dark chocolate. Exactly. I've got to eat tea. Got it. Is he still doing something? You say, eat tea?

Starting point is 01:20:11 Yeah, no, I know. Actually, they're quite good, aren't they? There you go. He's got a big pack. Do you want one, Sanya? No, thank you. Have you had one? Have you had yours? They've got a little bit of spice to them as well.

Starting point is 01:20:21 Yeah, that's the spice part of the pumpkin spice ingredients. Actually, they've grown on me.'re quick yeah they do don't they after a few bites and it all starts to congeal in the mouth it becomes a bit more tolerable spicy nice spicy are you enjoying the beaners but it's not spicy yeah they're quite nice oh let's try a drink yeah let's try a drink Yeah, let's try a drink. It kind of feels weird to bring candy into a candy shop and then go, wait everyone, everyone tastes my stuff. Oh, those are bloody excellent, those flips. Yeah, and they've grown on you, haven't they?

Starting point is 01:20:59 They've totally grown on me. You were completely like dismissive at the start. They are evil. I was going to have to have one more. I like them too. They were a hit. Very nice. I tell you what Eli, you can take those home tonight if you want them. I do, yeah. No, I'll take them but I'm just saying mate, if you want them, they're yours.

Starting point is 01:21:15 I'll have them. Alright, good, because I've got other cool shit. We haven't, you know what, we haven't had the rocket flavoured ones. No, we haven't. We had cotton candy. We definitely did. We've done the cotton candy. Alright, let's try this. Paul, are you ready to try some beans? No, we've done beans mate, we haven't. We've done the cotton candy. All right, let's try this. Why don't we try some beans? No, we've done beans, mate. We're all right.

Starting point is 01:21:28 Why don't we try some beans? What are those? Murder beans. Murder beans. I guess they leaked a bit, that's all. It doesn't look like bean juice on there. No, it looks like blood to me, that. It looks like that's been used to hammer someone's head in.

Starting point is 01:21:37 It looks like you've been hitting people with your tins of beans. Is this the most shambolic episode you've ever made of anything? Could be. Because there's no form, there's no structure. The Halloween concept went right out the window. No, it hasn't. Look, there's a monster. We've got a genuine Halloween monster in there.

Starting point is 01:21:51 Trick or treat, what do you want? Trick or treat. Trick. I still said trick. Oh! Oh, what's that? What's he sprayed me with? What's he sprayed me with?

Starting point is 01:22:00 Oh, good. Yeah, that's good. We're all having a great time. Oh that's going to sit my asthma off. Oh that stinks mate. That smells like a child's bedroom. A teenagers. I mean I was going to ask you what's the subtle difference but yeah I'm glad we have yeah no have as many as you want that they've become quite the hit right should we taste this I'm gonna taste another candy can now on cheap show

Starting point is 01:22:34 we've done candy cans in the past Dan has kindly offered the new one which is rocket lolly or as now what is the flavor of do you remember what rocket lolly is it's all different fruits, isn't it? Is it one fruit all the way through shaped like a rocket? It's different fruits. Three, isn't it? So this is triple, look. Yellow, orange. What's that lollipop with the hundreds and thousands on it?

Starting point is 01:22:56 Is that a Zoom? Am I getting confused? That's a Zap. That's a Zap, alright, good. It's a Zoom. No, it's a Fab. A rocket isn't a Zoom. Zap's the multi-coloured... But a rocket isn't the same as a zoom, is it? No. It's the same difference. They can't use the phrase zoom, can they?

Starting point is 01:23:11 Get ready for the nuff-nuff. Huff, huff, go with him. It smells like those lollies. It has to be said. It smells like old-fashioned lemonade to me, which is just my opinion. There's a lemon note. This isn't content for Digitizer.

Starting point is 01:23:27 This is cheap show content. Go over there and stand by your stabby husband. See how that fucking works. I'm not married to Venus. Yeah, well, what was it like? Did you try some? No, but I had to get you a glass. Right, I'm going to try some,

Starting point is 01:23:39 because Sodim, I'm not going to wait around for this. Candy can, rocket ice lolly, zero sugar sparkling drink. Here we go. That is... Yeah, we tried marshmallow, yeah. That is... Disgusting?

Starting point is 01:23:51 Hmm. It tastes like a wardrobe. Oh, it's so artificial. It's sugar-free, but they haven't disguised that at all. What is the flavour? It's just sweet, then watery, then chemically. I'm getting three things. That flavour's kind of like licking a cabinet.

Starting point is 01:24:08 Oh, you're talking about a sort of varnish-y sort of taste. You know what I mean? Pledge. Maybe it's because he's sprayed his bloody drink around. It's ruined our synapses. That's a strange thing. I don't know if it tastes like rocket ice cream, though, because I don't know what a rocket lolly ice...

Starting point is 01:24:23 It smells like it. It smells like it. Yeah, it smells like it. It smells like it. Yeah, it smells like it. It smells like it. Is it the worst of the brand so far? I think it is actually, yeah. Because it's a bit too nebulous, the flavour profile.

Starting point is 01:24:32 It's just tart. It's not even that sweet. It doesn't even have that artificial sweetness. It's just flimsy. Penis is doing something. Penis is up to no good. Penis is being told off by his wife that he shouldn't have bought the real knife. Someone's going to bed without a hot handshake.

Starting point is 01:24:56 Oh, Jesus Christ, Paul. Well, I didn't say stroking off, did I? You did. Try a Coltsford Rock. Coltsford Rock? I don't know what flavour it is. I have had that but we're talking

Starting point is 01:25:08 30 years ago. I'm going to try some because this is very soft crumbly rock. This is taking me back. Oh that's a really caramelly

Starting point is 01:25:16 almost woody sort of nutty oaky maple-y that's what it is. It's a maple-y

Starting point is 01:25:23 odour coming off the Coltsford Rock there. Very maple-y. I think it's probably got maple in it. Do you know what it is? It's maple-y. That's what it is. Maple-y. It's a maple-y odour coming off the Colesfoot Rock there. Very maple-y. I think it's probably got maple in it. Do you know what it is? It's like a fisherman's friend. Yes. Tame texture.

Starting point is 01:25:31 It's like a long fisherman's friend. But without the spiciness. What do you think of this Colesfoot Rock? I like this stuff. It does have a slightly medicinal, almost, herbal, like a cough sweet vibe. Have you tried these, Dan? A long time ago my dad took me to my one and only football match when see liverpool play someone at

Starting point is 01:25:49 anfield right and the queue was long and there was a sweet shop on the corner and he got me a bag of these and some other things and this memory is taking me right back to that because the overwhelming memory i have is the smell of horse piss because all the horses used to go up and down with the police that's a baby horse oh that's funny enough but so this smell is reminding me of horse piss. Because all the horses used to go up and down with the police on. That's a baby horse. Oh, that's funny enough. So this smell is reminding me of that day when I went to see my one and only football match when I was like 10, I think it was. Paul.

Starting point is 01:26:12 Yeah. Do you know what it is, that flavour? I fell in a puddle of piss that day. A puddle of piss? And a puddle of piss. Paul, the flavour is, it's slightly anise, isn't it? It's got an aniseed finish. Anise. That's the... anise, anise, isn't it? It's got an anise seed finish. Anise.

Starting point is 01:26:25 That's the... Anise. Aroblis. I'm having an evening Aroblis. Oh, great. Right, let's just end this segment, then. Let's just eat loads of sweets and then go home, because it's not a Halloween episode anymore, is it? Can't we just dress up?

Starting point is 01:26:40 That's what Halloween's about for me, not looking at some non-existent supernatural, you know, unless it's the zoingy zoingy ghost boingy zoingy helmet ghost maybe we'll have a Halloween costume party next year and I'll come as the

Starting point is 01:26:49 zoingy boingy ghost yeah I know I've got something in mind put a pin in that yeah put a pin in it put a pin in my just spat in my fucking face I did not

Starting point is 01:26:57 I did it went right up my nostril as well weird well I didn't do that on purpose no I know you didn't do it on purpose I'm sorry my frictives sprayed you in the nostrils Sick of being sprayed in the face by your frictives Jesus wept

Starting point is 01:27:11 I'm sorry Right let's just wrap this segment up And say thank you Dan for the candy for this segment Thank you very much Signing off we'll see you in a little bit Once we've all persuaded Paul Rose Actor, writer, character mr. Biffo Currently playing Venus to put a fucking knife down

Starting point is 01:27:48 It's time to... Things are falling apart here. There's rows, there's arguments. I'm not going any further until the knife's been put away. I've had enough of this. Do I have to call the police? I've had enough of this. No, I'm not running around. Seriously, we're not doing it with a fucking knife.

Starting point is 01:28:02 This is not how it's meant to fucking go get off just step away with the knife you stupid fucking put it down Oh, my phone's dead. Can someone help me, please? He's stuck me in the thigh. Can you die? Can you die? I'm a thigh wound. Please. Oh, come on.

Starting point is 01:28:48 Why are you laughing? Why are you laughing? Ah, mate, I'm going to starve. It's always, you always die in everything we do. Now, do you want me to help you? Mate. Admit that we drew at Stobart. He's fucking gashed me in the side.

Starting point is 01:29:03 I can see that, Paul. And I will help you. I will help you to... I will tourniquet that if you want. I will hold it closed. Thank you. What have I got to do then? You admit that I won Stobart.

Starting point is 01:29:14 I won Stobart. And you played foul moves when you said just the front truck was Stobart when there was no Stobart on the side. Which was Stobart's working for some other company. If I go against everything I believe in... Yes. You'll help... You know what? Fuck this.obart on the side. Which was Stobart's working for some other company. If I go against everything I believe in, you'll help... You know what? Fuck this. I'm off. I'm going to walk outside. I'm done with this.

Starting point is 01:29:32 I'm just going to leave you guys to fucking do it. I'm going to move on. I'm just going to go down the corridor. I'm just going to go down the corridor and get out of here and wait at the car. I could fucking... I don't think that's the way back. That's just a long corridor.

Starting point is 01:29:46 I might see if there's a fucking ambulance or something outside. No, there's a door at the end. No, fuck off. I'm just done now. I'm leaving. I'm going to go and try and get help because obviously you fucking cunts don't know what they're fucking doing. See you later. Fucking idiots. Every fucking time.

Starting point is 01:30:17 This seems a lot longer than I remember it. This genuinely seems a lot longer than I remember it. Why has the fire escaped so far away? God almighty. Where's the ending of the corridor gone? What's that? Is that? Hello? Hello?

Starting point is 01:30:48 Oh! I can't see him. Are you down there? Paul? Fuck, there's the recorder. Fucking hell. Paul? Paul? Paul?

Starting point is 01:31:22 Paul? Paul? Paul? Paul? Paul? Paul? Paul? There's the recorder. Fucking hell. Paul? Paul?

CheapShow - Ep 305: Little Sweet Shop of Horrors (Mono Edition)

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