CheapShow - Ep 314: The Mini Milk Manoeuvre

Starting point is 00:00:00 I don't want to go back to school. You've got to go back to school, Paul. I don't want to go back to school. Start again. No, start. No, that's a terrible way. I'm not going in. That doesn't fit in.

Starting point is 00:00:08 I'm not doing a podcast. That doesn't fit in with what I wanted to say to everyone. I don't care about what you want. I need to say some things, Paul. I'm not going to school. I've made some realisations. I'm not going to Cheap Show University for another semester, Daddy. You can't make me go back to boarding school, Mama.

Starting point is 00:00:24 I'm not either of your parents and i won't take that role in your life now i've got some we need to communicate this is one of the things paul this is one of the things we need to communicate as adult to adult we need to start doing that poopy hello everybody i'm eli silverman uh happy new year to the listeners of the podcast paul gannon is over across the table for me as always not doing podcast it's a new year to the listeners of the podcast paul gannon is over across the table for me as always not doing podcast it's a new year it's a new time i've come to some realizations eli silverman a resident super taster on cheap show and i've got some things to say okay when we were doing the office christmas party and i was playing the role of sexy santa a sex worker santa i had a

Starting point is 00:01:03 little realization when that was happening. I thought to myself I wish I was this character I've made up, completely hairless from the neck down and oiled. Wait, quick question. When did you decide he was hairless from the neck down? Is that something you've added later? I think that was implied quite heavily by the improvisation I did at the time.

Starting point is 00:01:20 I mean, to be Santa you would need the beard, so yeah neck down would make conceptually sense. Even your balls. Absolutely. The whole area. The whole balls. Leg bum crack. Waxed to a high shine. Okay, but.

Starting point is 00:01:31 Backsack and whack crack sack. So, I just want to make a promise to you, Paul. Back crack and suck wax. What was it? It was the whole area was very much waxed, oiled, even inside of the rectal passage slightly. So, what I wanted to say to you yeah go on i just realized then you know there's some things i've been bottling under and by swearing and doing nonsense vocalizations on the pod weekly that's you know i'm bottling something down and i need to stop with these diversions stop with these these blocks

Starting point is 00:02:05 in my presentation so from now on paul i'm going to talk with clean decent language okay and i will not invent or coin new words on the fly good this is what i want to hear i want a podcast that i can you want to hear well a second ago you weren't saying that you were saying i don't want to go back to poopy school so i apologize to everyone for the last seven years of absolute mouth garbage from me. Oh, this is such a delight to hear. In that case, I'm engaged. I want to be in this podcast. That's fine.

Starting point is 00:02:35 Happy New Year, everyone. It's a new me. It's a new day. It's a new life. So, Paul, one other thing. Welcome to a normal podcast that normal people can listen to. I can't. This is exciting for me. I can do it. I'm glad you're excited. Good. Keep that energy up, please other thing. Welcome to a normal podcast that normal people can listen to. I can't. This is exciting for me.

Starting point is 00:02:45 We can do it. I'm glad you're excited. Good. Keep that energy up, please, Paul. Because I've got one thing that I've discovered. Yeah. And I think it's a real breakthrough. And it's going to...

Starting point is 00:02:56 Come on, ladies and gentlemen. You know where this is going. I know where this is going. I'm playing along. But we all know where this is going, don't we? There's something I know. Everybody sit back and relax while Daddy Flap gets his gag out come on it's not a gag this is something i've actually discovered yeah which i think go on it could be a key to other stuff and it could be a

Starting point is 00:03:15 breakthrough for us paul okay slap slap i've got a list here paul go on of four words yeah now it's my belief that these four words can be rearranged in any way you like. Yeah. And it will still have a lot of meaning and a lot of resonance. It's like a magic talisman of four corners, the square four corners of something that can open up meaning, open up narrative, open up storytelling, and can bring us together as a friend. Four fucking minutes of this. Come on.

Starting point is 00:03:47 It's something I've discovered and I just want to... No go up. I want to premiere it here with you on our podcast, okay? There'll be no more nonsense mouth noises from me. Yeah, no good.

Starting point is 00:03:57 Or dirty talk, okay? Good. I don't do that anymore. Good, new man. I'm post-sex Santa Silverman. Post-sex Santa Silverman. I'm post-sex Santa Silverman. Post-sex Santa Silverman. I'm post-sex Santa Silverman. I can say that.

Starting point is 00:04:08 Always post-sex Santa Silverman. He drives along the rails. He doesn't have a willy to suck. He doesn't have his... I don't know. His nails. His nails. His nails.

Starting point is 00:04:17 No, none of that. Right. These four words, Paul. Yeah. I challenge you to come up with a combination of these words that doesn't have a rich resonant meaning that everyone can

Starting point is 00:04:28 enjoy as a guide to their life as a guide to going forward with their life the four words you fucking tedious

Starting point is 00:04:35 cunts hurry up I've got puppet yes I've got two word two is finger word three is bum word four

Starting point is 00:04:44 my finger puppet my bum Word two is finger. Word three is bum. Word four, my. Finger puppet, my bum. It's not worth it. Try another one. Try another one. Bum finger, my puppet. Yeah! Any way you like it, mate.

Starting point is 00:05:00 My puppet, bum fingers. That's it, though. Maybe there's one more Bum finger puppet my No see you have to say it If you put my at the end you have to say it properly So bum finger puppet my No go my

Starting point is 00:05:18 As in oh my So it works every single way Finger bum puppet my What about puppet finger bum? My. That's it. Welcome to Cheap Show, ladies and gentlemen. We're back.

Starting point is 00:05:29 No, but one other thing. No, we don't. I have one other thing I want to say. This is not a cold open. I have one other thing. It's now a wet, damp, tepid open. Bum puppet, my finger. Yeah, we've done all those.

Starting point is 00:05:40 We've done them all. That's the best combination. Have we systematically gone for every one, Paul? I think we've reached the bottom of the list. Now. No. I would like to say welcome to Cheap Show and spray the music. Yankovic is a big thing, isn't he?

Starting point is 00:05:52 Yeah? He's a big thing. Right? But I feel like I've come up with something here, and I know you can help me with this. Okay? I don't want to do this podcast again. I'd like to be...

Starting point is 00:06:03 Under the sea, in a... Octopus's garden. Bar of scar. Don't say those words. I can say them. You can't. I'll be the mouth noise man. Now, he always does food-based things. Why is this still going on? It's seven minutes. You haven't heard my thing! Is this not

Starting point is 00:06:19 something we can carry on after the credits? Go on then. Oh no, because there's no build-up now. We had that moment two minutes ago where we could have got into the credits after we went, Ray, it was a good gag and we giggled. But now it's just taking a dive. The driver took his eyes off the wheel.

Starting point is 00:06:35 It swerved into an embankment, ricocheted off the wall, span round, closing traffic in both directions. Doggy hit. Doggy hit with back wheel. Scrooped its head across this ground. Oh, I'm liking this! And now there's screaming and an ambulance on the way. Oh, dead dog screaming, smeary dog. Smeary, is it icy? Icy smeary dog. Eli wanking.

Starting point is 00:06:58 Right, okay. Just welcome, please, please, please, welcome to Cheap Show. Finger puppet up my bum. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap Show you're gonna have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap Show Off-brand rap, off-brand rap, off-brand rap Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap

Starting point is 00:07:39 Cheap Show It's the price of shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheat Show And a go and a nuzzle Right, well that was the most interminable fucking cold open we've ever done.

Starting point is 00:08:02 We've got so much good content coming up for all the listeners in the show. What do we have coming up in the show today, Paul? We're back in the saddle, and today it's what I like to call a leftovers episode because we had so many leftovers from the Christmas party, Eli. So many things we couldn't even broach,

Starting point is 00:08:18 let alone taste. I'm quite surprised I didn't actually vomit because that pink man's dead man's finger thing was fucking disgusting. I really hated. No, no. I really hated that rum honey stuff.

Starting point is 00:08:29 Addendum. Fucking whatever that drink was with the avocado. What was it called? Snowball. They're fucking grim. Disgusting fucking drink. Biff and San,

Starting point is 00:08:36 you were so proud of the fact that they love them that I didn't want to insult them by saying this is literally like drinking warm vomit. Yeah, no. No, you know what?

Starting point is 00:08:43 Warm. You know that kind of belly rennet kind of thing belly rennet belly rennet thing so today's episode is made up of leftovers we've got some snacks nibble on some drinks to test and in a twist to the usual format we have an off-brand brand off where i myself will be the super taster so it's not called off-brand brand off brand off off brand yay brand off off brand new segment everyone and that's what's coming up

Starting point is 00:09:07 and I'll be the master I'll be strict how strict fucking sorry don't look at me like that I've got a bit to do mate this is not our best

Starting point is 00:09:16 we need to start better like an O as a new episode for the new year we need to be better well let me I woke up this morning come on then

Starting point is 00:09:24 and I was inspired come on Paul and I thought about weird al yankovic he always does food things yeah he just takes a well-known song and he replaces it with food my bologna now i could i am premiering right now my new novelty song superstar character creepy e yeah she's a salad lover. She's got a cucumber, believe it. She likes some onions. Before you know it, she'll have tossed a salad. She's the kind of girl who likes to... Dine on things she sliced up. Better believe it, come on.

Starting point is 00:10:07 She's a salad lover. She likes cucumber and lettuce. She likes the umber. Didn't work as well on reflection. I got one. I like my broth. Stew, stew, stew, yum, yum, yum. Stew, yum, yum. Stew, yum, yum.

Starting point is 00:10:28 There's a stew that is on my mind all the time. Stew, stew, stew, yum, yum. I put beef in it and a bit of brine. Oh, leeks and wine. Stew, stew, stew, yum, yum Come on, Weird Al No, we can't just have We can't rip off a guy

Starting point is 00:10:50 What say he's so good? Why is he so good? People love him I like that Craigslist tune That's funny He's a great comedy parodist And that's all that matters To the sake of this conversation

Starting point is 00:11:02 Because this is not a Weird Al Yalkovich pod. All right? Fine, I'm waiting. Maybe it should be. No, I bet there are. I bet there are. I mean, you can toss out podcasts for what? Fucking Merillion.

Starting point is 00:11:12 You know what I mean? You know what I mean? How long can you go on about Merillion for? A Merillion years. Anyway, I'm now launching my podcast about the band The Jets. Episode one, Crush On You. That's all the episodes. That's all they did.

Starting point is 00:11:28 That's all they did. That was a pretty good one-hit wonder. You know what, though? It's one of those songs like Atmosphere, where in your head it sounds better than when you actually listen to it back. Often it's because there's a sort of section of the song, either the verse or the chorus, which you have no recollection of at all. No, and you go, oh, yeah.

Starting point is 00:11:43 Welcome to Cheap Show, the comedy comedy podcast with Eli and I go to the bog. Comedy comedy. Comedy comedy. The cobbity cobbity podcast where Eli and I go through the bog and bins, the power lines and charity shops of Great Britain. We bring out what we can find amongst that trash

Starting point is 00:11:56 and present it as treasure for you to enjoy. It's part nostalgia, part bric-a-brac, part taste sensation. Ooh, yeah. And we're here in 2023. it's off first episode of the year oh it's hot sauce mama i've got no hot sauce to this week you've got nothing got nothing i'll be honest right here we go moment of honesty from paul everyone i'm just gonna put it out there right i will make mouth noises by the way that. That was a joke earlier. No, you've got to stand by your words.

Starting point is 00:12:26 No, I already did a bit with the smeared dog, which I want to refer to. Scrooge. Anyway, what was I saying? Yeah, no, it's just been one of those Christmases, New Years, where I thought I had all the time to relax, and then there was no time to relax. And then when I got up today,

Starting point is 00:12:41 and it was like cheap show time, I was like, ah, fuck cheap show. Fuck it. it yeah we've got to haul ourselves into this year paul hey look we've got some big things planned for this year actually we've got the big wedding that's going to be a big event we've got uh we're going to do a vinyl album this year put my foot down we're going to do that we are yeah did you see there was an article um about a sort of smallish vinyl pressing company up north who say they're booming because they make records for people oh really perhaps we should look that up look into that hey because you're looking for you haven't made your mind up about what company we'd

Starting point is 00:13:13 go with no because we need a limited like print run of maybe like two three hundred of them right and the idea is we're gonna give some away to charity shops and then everyone else can buy them and stuff that'd be so good just stick them in charity shops and then everyone else can buy them and stuff. That'd be so good. Just stick them in charity shops. Random. Random. Like a magic ticket, like a Willy Wonka thing. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:13:29 Like if you found it, we should go drop them, send them out around the country. I'll go out to Barnet. I'll go as far as Barnet. Yeah. Where's our favourite hotspot? We'll go to Muswell Hill

Starting point is 00:13:37 and put a record in there. Barnet, Muswell Hill, East Finchley. Maybe I'll go to Cambridge and put one back in those Cambridge shops to go to. that Alan's in East Finchley is shutting.

Starting point is 00:13:45 Is it? That's a shame. I can't really rumour that Alan's in East Finchley is shutting. Is it? That's a shame. I can't really blame him. He's been there for decades. No, donkeys. And I'm sure the lockdown had an effect on his business. Possibly. I don't know what he's doing.

Starting point is 00:13:53 Unless he sells online. Does he have an online face? I think you have to, but I think that wasn't the main thing with him. I think he's just been doing it. He's probably saved some money. He's retiring, you know. Maybe we should take over the shop. Should we look into that?

Starting point is 00:14:05 No, I don't want to work in record retail. You do. I kind of do. Think of how many people you could sneer at for buying albums you disagree with.

Starting point is 00:14:13 I wouldn't be like that. You, would you be exactly one of those cunts? If people came in and asked for Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon, I'd tell them to fuck off.

Starting point is 00:14:19 Why? What's wrong with that? I just know it's over there. It's over there. Right, let's do this. Let's role play it. It's open. We're a shop.

Starting point is 00:14:28 I mean, I don't know why you're knocking. I mean... I'm not knocking. Hello, sir. That's the woodpecker on my head that I can't get rid of. Oh. What's he called? His name is Filthy Sid.

Starting point is 00:14:39 Filthy Sid. What's so... Oh, I can see now. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck you. Filthy Sid. Anyway, I've come in to buy a record.

Starting point is 00:14:47 Oh. I've just recently. We don't allow pets in. He's my support, health support. What does he help you with? Tapping your head. I can see he does that. And why does that help with?

Starting point is 00:14:57 Fuck off, nosy. Why does he have to swear at me? Fuck off, nosy. I can't stop him. Fuck off, nosy. You beardy, nosy fuck. Anyway, I'd like to buy an album. I've recently bought one of those.

Starting point is 00:15:11 We've got albums here. I've recently bought a high-end £30 record player in a suitcase. Oh, really? Yeah, with a horrible plastic stylus. And I would love to buy, I'm thinking, one of those kind of song albums that's rare to get hold of. You know, Fleetwood Mac's Rumours or Dire Straits Brothers and Albums. We don't carry that mainstream shit, you fucking sellout. Fuck, you can't join the club.

Starting point is 00:15:34 Fuck you, baby. I'm going to fucking throttle that bird as well. Don't yet. He's my support bird. You can't do that. Fucking try it, cunt. He's going to need his own. Fucking try it, cunt.

Starting point is 00:15:46 Get out of my shop! Get out of the shop! I'm going to put this on... Go to our price! This is a one star! Go to HMV if you want that... They're all closed. ...MHQ crap.

Starting point is 00:15:55 And they only have Now albums reprinted for £40. Try... With the best of Queen. Try Sainsbury's. They'll give you a nice brand new copy of Rumours. I'll be putting a one star review on Yelp about this. Take that filthy

Starting point is 00:16:07 animal who... I'm going to fuck you up, buddy. Fuck you up. Leave. That's someone trying to get into

Starting point is 00:16:16 your shop. No, I didn't lock the door. I didn't lock the door. Anyway, I'll go. Take that bird with you.

Starting point is 00:16:24 You better not fucking cross me again, buddy boy. Sid, it's a pleasure. That was our comedy situation for you to start off the new year. I hope you enjoyed that. Oh, come on. Let's do a segment. Woodpecker again?

Starting point is 00:16:36 Vicious Sid. No. Shitty Sid. Dirty Sid. I'll remember it when I edit it and I listen back. Fucking hell. Anyway, what a great beginning to this episode. So what do you want to start with today?

Starting point is 00:16:48 Should we start with the off-brand, brand-off, off-brand-off? Do we have any admin to do? A brand-off, off-off-off. All the tickets for the live show have sold out. Off-brand, off-brand, brand-off, off-off-off, brand-off-off. We're probably going to have badges or something. Off-brand, brand-off, off-off-off, brand-off-off. What else?

Starting point is 00:17:01 We've got the big show. We might go abroad this year. Might do an episode abroad this year, finally. Beef stroganoff. I'd like you to strog my beef off. I've got a strogon on this broth off. I've got a fucking tumescent stroganoff. Stroganoff.

Starting point is 00:17:19 Get that bird out of here. I hate that bird. And now for a verse. Brand off, off brand. With a new, more romantic and chilled intro theme. Brand off. Off brand. Off brand.

Starting point is 00:17:41 Off brand. Brand off. Off brand. Off brand. Brand off. Off brand. Brand off. Brand off. Off brand. Off brand. Off brand.

Starting point is 00:17:53 Off brand. Off brand. Off brand. Off brand. Off brand. Off brand. Off brand. Off brand.

Starting point is 00:17:59 Off brand. Off brand. Off brand. Off. Off brand. Off brand. Off brand. Off brand.

Starting point is 00:18:04 Off brand. Off brand. Off brand. Off brand. Off brand. Off brand. Off brand. Off brand.

Starting point is 00:18:04 Off brand. Off brand. Off brand. Off brand. Off brand. Off brand. Off brand. Off brand. Off brand. Off brand. Off brand. Off brand. Off brand. Off brand. Off brand. Off brand. Off brand. Off brand. Off brand. Off brand.. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off.

Starting point is 00:18:05 Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off.

Starting point is 00:18:23 Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off's the first threat of the new year. He's threatened me with violence, everyone. I will take that. He's back. Paul's back. I will take that red bull can

Starting point is 00:18:28 and I will place it against the opening of your bumhole and then with one swift kick, I will insert the whole tin up your anal cavity. Oh. Shake it up.

Starting point is 00:18:37 Shake you up. Shake you up good and proper. Yeah. And then pull the ring piece out. And it will shoot out. And then you go flying off into moons. Into moons. Into moons.

Starting point is 00:18:45 Into moons. Now, we're doing a reverse off-brand, brand-off called brand-off, off-brand. Brand-off, off-brand. And Paul, usually in this segment, the resident super taster, myself, Eli Silverman, on the pod, I usually will be blindfolded and then I compare the tastes of an on-brand product, such as mayonnaise.

Starting point is 00:19:08 Such as mayonnaise, like a Hellmann's. A typical, well-known, branded one. And I compare that to a supermarket one, blind taste test. And then I say two things. This is what I'm going to expect from you, Paul, today, when you taste our items. I want you to tell me which one you think is the genuine one and which do you think is the knockoff? Yeah. And also, which do you actually prefer?

Starting point is 00:19:28 And I want tasting notes as we go, okay? Is that too much to ask? We can do that. I've seen it from this side before, Silverman. I'm now crossing over the garden fence into the other garden, where I'll be donning the blindfold, and Eli will be making sure the goodies are given to me in a fair and just manner. Now, today we are doing gummies,

Starting point is 00:19:46 and we were informed by Mr Ashfrith, who came to our party, that he'd bought a few gummies for us as an off-brand way. He didn't bring the branded ones, so we put it aside and said we'd come back to it in the new year. So we are dealing with gummies today, which is my forte. It's your forte. You like a gummy. Would you say that's your favourite category of confectionery product? I would happily agree with that statement.

Starting point is 00:20:08 Is ice cream a confectionery? Yeah. It blurs, doesn't it? Is it a dish? Is it a dessert dish like a cake or a pudding? Or is it a confectionery such as a chocolate or a sweetie? Think about it. In a box, in a tub, scoop, scoop, that's maybe

Starting point is 00:20:23 more of a dessert, right? But when it's on a stick, mate, it's got to be seen as confectionary. That's what I'm saying. Isn't it funny how it kind of straddles both categories? Yeah. If it's in a cone or on a stick, I think that counts as confectionary. Yeah, like a Magnum. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:20:39 Or a Zoom. A Zoom. Lollies, yeah. What's an ice cream? Oh, like a Mini Milks. You don't see them around. They're nice, aren't they? I used to love putting them on my bum hole.

Starting point is 00:20:52 You didn't, did you really? You didn't? You used to Lisa Stanisfield. I used to take seven mini milks, right? Unwrap them and place them on a plank of wood. Yes. Milk tube up, right? Milk tube up?

Starting point is 00:21:05 What do you mean milk tube? Because, you know, the little stick of wood. Yes. Milk tube up, right? Milk tube up? What do you mean milk tube? Because, you know, the little stick of ice cream milk. It's like a Calippo, but with milk, frozen milk, ice cream. It's more of a frozen milk flavour. But it's like a tube. Yeah, it's a tube of ice cream on a stick.

Starting point is 00:21:15 Milk doesn't have some kind of attached milk tube. Whatever. Well, I'm trying to follow you. What are you going to do with this, Paul? So I've attached these seven mini milks to a plank of wood in what configuration are they attached they're evenly spaced out about there's no milk tubes i'm just wondering about that it's just the milk tubes the lollipop stick

Starting point is 00:21:35 is screwed into the wooden plank leaving the milk shaft of dessert facing exposed and they're facing up okay there's about i think i can see where this is coming now. There's about a six to eight inch gap between each one on this board, right? Then I take off my pants, trousers first, and then the underwear, revealing my eager bottom to the world, right?

Starting point is 00:21:58 My eager, keen bottom. And then I get a record player out and I find a nice children's album, maybe Jolly Nursery Rhymes or Kids Party and I put that on for a nice jolly song, you know

Starting point is 00:22:13 here we go down the woods today the woods today, the mulberry bush or you know, the teddy bears picnic if you go down to the wood today, and basically I timed the rhythm of the song to when my anus presses down upon the milk mini milk and then it enters me right up until i reach the board itself and i go deep down and then i pull the milk tube up into my sphincter and swallow

Starting point is 00:22:38 it whole that's one back into your ass so dum dee dum dee dum dee if you go down to the woods today you better go in disguise if you go down to the woods today, you better go in disguise. Shonk. If you go down to the woods today, you better go in disguise. Shonk. Because every bear that ever there was, shonk. How many are there? Because today's the day.

Starting point is 00:22:55 Shonk. The teddy bears had its pick. Nick. Shonk, shonk, shonk. And then I go to bed. That's what I do. Can I ask? And then there's a great big load of mini milks in my intestinal tract

Starting point is 00:23:05 and then it all begins to warm up, right? It all begins to warm up beside my body. You're in danger of having hypothermia. No, no, no. You've got ice, essentially,

Starting point is 00:23:13 inside your body. Yes, but you see, the inside of me is very, very warm. Is there a doctor? And it begins to melt. Oh, there's a doctor on standby. Okay.

Starting point is 00:23:20 And is this done in... How are you ensuring that these mini milks remain rigid for the honestly they don't they don't have to once they're inside my system they begin to melt when to get into have you got a nasty gaping ass first of all mate you don't just start with like 12 rows of mini milks you start with one and you work from there right you work your way up you have to work your way up you can't just dive into eight because you're right it's dangerous you'll

Starting point is 00:23:44 froze you'll get frostbite or whatever it is in your bumhole, right? And if you've ever had frostbite on the bumhole, it's not fun, you know? So you start with one, and you work on it, and then you go up to two, and then you get to my level where you can do 43 in a session, right? Anyway, it gets inside. It warms up, and then I go into what I like to call slushy mode, where I just slightly spread my legs, and I just billy bollocks out.

Starting point is 00:24:07 I let the whole world see mini milk trickle down the thigh, down my leg, into a selection of tiny, empty yoghurt pots that I have collected. And then once they're all full of my ass, leg, thigh drippage system, you're like distilling it almost. Think of it like a distilling process.

Starting point is 00:24:24 I don't know. I don't know. And then you've got the yoghurt, right? And the yoghurt's in these little pots. What yoghurt? And I see them. That's not yoghurt. I see, well, they are.

Starting point is 00:24:32 They're called my mini milk book. Internally melted ice cream. Yeah. Is that what you're talking about? Yeah. Yoghurt pots. Do you eat before this happens? Is there stuff up there?

Starting point is 00:24:40 No, I have to starve myself for a day. So it's just basically- So there's no contamination. So you're getting- Stomach rennet. Yeah. Arse gristle. Tummy rennet.

Starting point is 00:24:49 And mini milk concoction. And it goes all the way down my leg. Across my big toe. We've reached the point now. We've reached the point now. No, this keeps going. Then I go to the local old people's home. And I give them their special Angel Delight Ganon brand custard.

Starting point is 00:25:04 And they love it and once that's happened why it's back to my working day and I move on with my life but all you need to know Eli is that it's a system that works so today on our reverse brand off off brand

Starting point is 00:25:20 Paul being gummies the favourite it's his forte he says so let's see if he can distinguish these. Now, Squishies. Oh yeah, Ash brought these. He brought Swizzles, Drumstick, Squishies. They're called. Not Squishies. Squishies is what

Starting point is 00:25:36 you do in the loo. Or when you're making yoghurt for old people. Yes, Paul. It's more of a mousse, to be fair. I keep saying yoghurt. It's a mousse, isn't it? It's a mousse. It's a chocolate mousse. It's more like a strawberry or vanilla-y kind of... What does milk... They just taste of milk, though. No, it's chocolate milk. It's got the cosmopolitan flavours. There's no chocolate.

Starting point is 00:25:51 Yeah, they have a chocolate mini-milk and a milk mini-milk and a strawberry mini-milk. Oh, they're different flavours of mini-milk. I thought it was just milk mini-milk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Milk mini-milk. Milk mini-milk. Not mini-milk. It's milk mini-milk. It's milk mini-milk. It's milk mini-milk. Chocolate milk. Milk mini- mini-milk. So basically, it's like a kind of melted cosmopolitan inside my tummy bum. Now.

Starting point is 00:26:08 Or bum tummy, I guess. I don't know. Finger puppet my bum. Now, drumstick. My compacted tract. Drumstick finger puppet my bum. Drumsticks. They were a tooth-destroying confectionery of our youth.

Starting point is 00:26:23 And they still exist today, and they still can pull out a tooth as easy as you like. They're like a lollipop, but instead of a boiled sweet at the end. It's like a thick, sugary chew, isn't it? It's a chew, yes. That was their innovation, I guess, wasn't it? Like a chew-it or one of those kind of things, but thicker, bigger. Or like a very compacted wham bar on the end of a stick. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:26:41 Yeah? Now, but I didn't know they were made by Swizzles. Were they always made by Swizzles. Were they always made by Swizzles? Swizzles were known for those kind of things. You know, those kind of chalky lollipops as well as the glass ones as well as... Okay. They did lollies. Yeah, and they also, I think they did Palmer Violets. I think it's that

Starting point is 00:26:55 company. They do those kind of old... They are old school. But I would venture, Paul, that their sales of their traditional drumsticks have been utterly swamped by these squashies, which came out a couple of years ago now in Britain. And they are, the flavours of the drumstick

Starting point is 00:27:12 was a dual flavour. It was raspberry and milk. So it was like a two-tone sweet. It's pretty special. Hey, thank you. Close you're going to get to a proper well-thought-out gag this week. R.I.P.

Starting point is 00:27:26 Oh, yeah. But these are the soft alternatives. The soft, gummy alternatives. So that was always my problem with a drumstick. It was really tooth-destroying. It was too... Tasty, but tooth-destroying, yeah. Brittle, and then really tough.

Starting point is 00:27:38 Really chewy. Yeah. Now, they've had these squashies, which are traditional, but they've got three other flavours have come out. I think so. Variations of a form. There's a rhubarb and something. Rhubarb and custard.

Starting point is 00:27:49 And there's a sour apple one. Wasn't there a blueberry one? There's a bubblegum. Bubblegum and blueberry or something. Yes. Anyway, in response to that. These are pure mouth crack, let me just say. Have you ever gone through a pack of these?

Starting point is 00:28:00 Yeah. I try not to because I'm trying to cut back on my gummies. Yeah. They're really incredibly more rich. But you've got the knock-off. So these are knock-offs that, again, Ash Fifth brought to the office Christmas party. They are by a company called Dominion. And I also believe Dominion have made our second knock-off.

Starting point is 00:28:12 We'll come to that in a minute. We'll come to that in a second. And these are called Twinies. Raspberry and milk flavour. And almost identical to the eye. Almost identical. Yep. Very similar.

Starting point is 00:28:21 A kind of rubber eraser-shaped gummy. One half pink pink one half white lozenge shaped a domino it's like a domino really it's a domino snack now

Starting point is 00:28:29 so you're going to be tasting one of those each blind Paul and I'm going to what do you think the difference would be do you have any idea it might be really difficult

Starting point is 00:28:39 it might this one might be tricky but I think what's going to get the fake one away is almost the kind of reliance on too much sugar that kind of almost chemically bite that those fake get the fake one away is almost the kind of reliance on too much sugar.

Starting point is 00:28:48 That kind of almost chemically bite that those fake sweets can have. Too sweet. You know the kind of flavor profile you get in chocolate where it's like, it's chocolatey, but there's something kind of, I don't know, it's hard to explain, but like metallic there. Okay, so maybe an artificiality in the knockoff that you wouldn't expect. And maybe the actual quality of the foamy gum. That's what I'm saying. What do you think will be the texture difference? I think the texture might give it away in the high sugar quotient.

Starting point is 00:29:07 Okay. So that's the prediction, everyone. We'll see when we come to the actual test in a second or two. And so your next one is, what's the next one? Next one, very popular, sweet of recent years. Older. It's been going for longer than the squashy. 15, apparently. 15 years of Percy Pig.

Starting point is 00:29:23 Percy Pigs from of course Marks and Spencer or M&S food or whatever you want to call it and the interesting thing about Marks and Spencer very briefly is they always supply

Starting point is 00:29:31 their own stuff in store so it's very rare for you to go in and find a brand in there really because they have their M&S no they didn't do it at all until a few years ago

Starting point is 00:29:39 when they started I remember reading a news story when they started selling brands yeah but they still before that it was all their own stuff and it still mostly is I would say you go in there I remember reading a news story when they started selling brands. Yeah. But they still... Before that, it was all their own stuff.

Starting point is 00:29:47 And it still mostly is. I would say you go in there and 75% is definitely all Marks & Spencer's brand clothing and sandwiches and food and bread and everything, wine and stuff. So, yeah. So, he has Percy Pig, which are a gummy, which are a gummy of some sort. What do you think of Percy Pigs, Paul? They're alright. I remember trying...

Starting point is 00:30:07 What flavour are they? Soft fruit. Yeah, this one says chewy fruit gum for this one. Because I got the knock-off. Now, the knock-off are made by the same company. Dominion. And these are Leo the Lion. Dominion is a strange name for a sweet company.

Starting point is 00:30:20 You'd expect it to be more like a sort of online avatar for some kind of S&M game or something. Yeah. I am full-staff Domin dominion and i spunk on you i mean he's scowling at me this is oh this is oldie brand leo the lion okay so that must be all the brand as well the the the squashy knockoff must be all the brand as well dominant Dominion. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they're both from Aldi. So it's interesting that they're doing Leo Lion based on an M&S famous sweet. Because Percy Pig are kind of infamous.

Starting point is 00:30:53 Because they make cakes and shit as well with a brand on, don't they, and different types of cake. They've expanded it. I remember having a Percy Pig years ago. It must have been almost 15 years ago when they first came out. And loving them. I'm all going to do is open the bag. Don't open the

Starting point is 00:31:07 bags. I'm the master of ceremonies. Right, well, let's get this on then. You'll cheat. You try to get a little sneaky huff in there. I'm not going to cheat because there's no point in me cheating. You could have got a sneaky huff in whether your intention was to cheat. Oh, you know what? I didn't think about the huff. I was just trying to think of opening the bag to expedite

Starting point is 00:31:23 the process of this segment. You can have a huff when you're doing the actual test. It's fine. Here's the thing, though, right? I didn't think about the huff. I was just trying to think of opening the bag to expedite the process of this segment. You can have a huff when you're doing the actual test. Here's the thing, though, right? I think this is going to be tougher than expected. There's no reason for me to cheat because I'm not here to guess the right answer. I'm giving you my opinions on the flavour profile. Well, there is a competitive aspect to it, Paul.

Starting point is 00:31:40 This is the first time you've done this, and you do want to get a notch in the bedpost, don't you? Really. But yes, there is an educational aspect to this segment, always has been, and we're looking if it's worth saving money on a cheaper brand. So give me the

Starting point is 00:31:57 blindfold, which is a scarf. This is a perfectly clean scarf. I'm sure it's a perfectly clean scarf. Right, and I shall be tying it. Oh, hang on. I've got to take my headphones off. Hang on, mother. Now, I have no intention of cheating.

Starting point is 00:32:11 I don't believe it's fair. I would never... Oh, fuck's sake. Never do that. So I'm going to make sure this is tight across my eyes. Oh, yeah. Paul, just before we start this. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:32:23 What's your expectations vis-a-vis Percy Pig versus Leo the Lion? Again, it's going to depend on texture. Because I think in my head, to my memory, the Percy Pig ones are a kind of tougher chew, ever so slightly. So you think the knock-offs might be softer? Yeah. Okay, interesting. Now, we've also got the issue, Paul,

Starting point is 00:32:42 of the Percy the Pigs and the Leo lines being different shapes, aren't they? Let me just see. They have a vague similarity. I don't want you mouth-brailing this, basically. No, no, no. Because mouth-brailing is very strictly prohibited. No, I agree. I don't want you tongue-brailing this.

Starting point is 00:32:56 The Percy pig ones are shaped in the head of the character, so it's like a kind of round, circular pig head. These are two-toned as well. Yeah, there's a little bit of visible gummies. The ears are sort of more darker pink, and the head. These are two-toned as well. Yeah, there's a little bit of visible gummy. Percy's ears are sort of more darker pink, and the face. Yeah. And you know what?

Starting point is 00:33:10 Leo the Lion's gone through a totally similar thing, in that there are two separate, different coloured bits in the same position. So I don't think you will be able to tongue braille it. Oh, that's all right then. But I would like you to put it flat side into your mouth. Okay, Paul? So the smooth side down on

Starting point is 00:33:26 my tongue so there's no you know there's no questions about understandable tongue brailing these sweets i will not be tongue punching my way through this i promise you am i in front of the mic i actually can't see yeah welcome to my land of fear oh it's that bird out of here this fucking bird right so so He shits everywhere Are we starting with Percy Pig then Should we start with It's up to you

Starting point is 00:33:50 Alright should we start With Leo the lion And Percy the pig Okay I'm going to put my hand out You put the smooth side Down on my palm And I'll slide it

Starting point is 00:33:59 Into my mouth I just need to take a note So there's no Oh yeah You've got to remember What order you give them in That is also an important factor Eli I've got to warn you you've got to be tight on the facts i'm going to be tight on the facts don't don't you want to pre-write these down so you can i'm just making

Starting point is 00:34:13 a little note for myself paul don't worry thanks for your help but yeah so god i've got a hankering for mini milks now okay right you just say when mate and we'll start the process i'm handing you it you put your hand out. This is flat. I want you just to... I'm going to try and put it in with as little contact with the snack as possible. Don't tongue-brain it. Okay, that's number one. What are your thoughts as it goes down the gullet?

Starting point is 00:34:39 He's chewing. There's a lot to chew, mate. Bear with. He's masticating that. I think this is the way to do it. You just take the whole thing into your gob in one go and get it all down. And then once he's swallowed, I think we're going to have some thoughts. First instincts is it doesn't feel cheap.

Starting point is 00:34:53 It doesn't taste cheap. It doesn't feel like it lacks flavor or texture. And it's got a quite nice little kind of fruity thing going on. Okay. It's almost creamy. A nice flavor. So I'm happy with that. I'm not going to commit yet

Starting point is 00:35:06 until I taste the second because I think the second is going to clarify my thoughts on the first. Yes, absolutely. So you just thought that was quality. If you had to guess there, would you say it was Percy or Leo?

Starting point is 00:35:16 I mean, right now, I would say that would be good enough for a Percy, but I think in the back of my head there's something I'm looking for that I don't know if that delivered yet. Okay. Now, maybe it will be clear when you have our second snack.

Starting point is 00:35:27 And again, please put it in your mouth in the same way. Hold your palm out. Palm out. Placing it there. Any smell there? No, no smell that I could discern of note. Okay. Now, he's slotted the second item in.

Starting point is 00:35:40 He's going to have to come to a decision. So I'm going to go ahead and say. He's definitely having thoughts to come to a decision. So I'm going to go ahead and say. He's definitely having thoughts ladies and gentlemen. He's taking this seriously which is appreciated. For me there was a lot less flavour there. A lot less flavour. And did you get the quality? What was the quality

Starting point is 00:35:56 of it like? Texture? Yeah fine. It felt a little slight. I can't explain it but like. And the flavour similarly you felt was slighter yeah but not it was not unpleasant let me just phrase that it was definitely unpleasant right now my gut says the first was percy pig and the second was leo the lamb okay um just going he's a lion no i'm telling the truth hey second gag how about that proper little gag that uh play on words you like them

Starting point is 00:36:23 don't can you assure me there was no tongue brailling going on? There was not, because what I did was I put the smooth side down, and then as soon as I could, I bit into it, masticating and chewing up the form, therefore making it unrecognizable. But there were some differences in terms of texture. Well, the only way I could describe it is it just felt like the first one was a little thicker, a little chewier, with a little bit more flavor, and the second one was a little thinner, a little less flavor, easier to chew. So I'm only going to go ahead and say that i think the first one was percy pig because it just feels more produced it feels nicer so i'm going to go with

Starting point is 00:36:54 percy pig one was the first one and the knockoff was leo the lion and just right now i'm going to say as well both are completely valid if you gave your kids either of those i think they'd be fine with them. So you didn't hate the one that you think is the number? No, not at all. It just felt slightly less quality.

Starting point is 00:37:09 Are you eating one yourself? I thought I could hear your wet gob slapping and slipping around. And I have to say, Paul, I'm totally in agreement with you. Oh, yeah? You're playing along, are you?

Starting point is 00:37:20 On all those points. But again, revealed to you now, Paul, that the first half of this reversed Brandov, Brandov. You are correct. See, yeah, number one was Percy

Starting point is 00:37:32 and number two was Leo the lion. I can taste the difference between Percy and Leo in my mouth. I really can. Percy's a little thicker, a little juicier, nicer to suck on. Leo,

Starting point is 00:37:43 a little smaller, size is important. There's a lot still there to enjoy. It's more airy, isn't it, Leo? It's softer. Which some people might like. Especially if you've got weaker teeth or something. Yeah, the Leo ones are probably easier to chew.

Starting point is 00:37:53 But less substantial. Yeah. Isn't it? Slight, but ultimately valid. I don't think there's anything wrong with giving that to a kid. It doesn't taste horrible. It doesn't taste cheap. It's a perfectly valid knockoff. I agree. In fact's i kind of prefer it because it's easier to to get down now

Starting point is 00:38:09 are you ready for your second challenge i got one sec yeah good it was just like my eyes were feeling slightly suffocated because i've tied this on a bit too tight it's fine do you want to have a moment when we retie the the thing it's it's funny if it's so tight i can't open my eyelids below the behind this thing now we But we don't want to distract you from the important task of getting a perfect score. I'm ready to go. Okay, I will open one of these. Now, remember

Starting point is 00:38:34 these are squashies. What is your thoughts on squashies? Uh, they're alright. You're not that into them, are you? No, I like my gummies to be more like Haribo Golden Bers. You know, I like those juicy fruit variety, nommy-nommy choo-choos. A fruit gum.

Starting point is 00:38:49 I like a cola bottle sort of thing. Sports mix, cola bottles, they're good. I like Haribo. But I think I find when it comes to cola bottles, if I had a bag of them, I'd get bored of them. But if they're in amongst a fun mix... Like a variety, that's why you like Bombay Mix, don't you? Because you can pick out...

Starting point is 00:39:05 I haven't had Bombay mix in years. Pick out a nut. We should do... We should taste... There's all sorts of crazy Bombay mix varieties. I think the Indian grocer up there. We must have done Bombay mix on the podcast, though. Well, we could go back.

Starting point is 00:39:16 We must have. Oh, no, we've got those fact sheets now that were sent to us. We have to keep looking. So we can just go through that, I guess. Again, there's... You know what, as well? Just one final note on the Percy Pig versus Leo the Lion. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:39:27 There's actually a much nicer snuff on the Lion. Oh. If you ask me, just for the sake of agreement here, Paul. Here's the Lion. That's the Lion. Smell the snuff on that. It's kind of sweet, almost bubble gummy. Almost.

Starting point is 00:39:41 It's got a kind of a sweet shop vibe. Yeah. Vanillary. Yeah. Now, got a kind of a sweet shop vibe. Yeah. Vanillary. Yeah. Now, smell these. These is the Percy. Now, the actual real deal, Percy. It's much sourer for me.

Starting point is 00:39:53 It's almost vinegary. Do you know what I mean? Isn't that strange? That is really strange. But that doesn't translate once you put it in your gob, does it? Ain't that the truth. Ain't that the truth. So, next one.

Starting point is 00:40:02 Funny, weird niff. Maybe it's because um the person the pigs use real fruit juice or something like that maybe because that's almost like an apple juice concentrate smell oh yeah that's what it is you're right that's the vinegar yeah you're right it's that cidery vinegary thing okay now paul i'm very pleased with how you're doing this all right let's get at the sofa with there is a niff difference with the two next ones. Again, just to remind people, one is the legit Swizzles Drumstick Squashies and one is the Dominion Aldi.

Starting point is 00:40:31 Is it Aldi? Knock off. Known for being an Aldi. It could be sold in other places. I guess. I mean, I don't know. Twinies. Stupid name.

Starting point is 00:40:39 And what, they're meant to be twins of Squashies? You just know as well they had like a four-hour fucking meeting in a ballroom. No, you know what it's referring to is the Domino, the twin, the two flavours. Yeah. Well, that's what I'm saying. well they had like a four hour fucking meeting in a ballroom no you know what it's referring to is the domino the twin the two flavours yeah but that's what I'm saying they must have

Starting point is 00:40:48 like a four hour meeting where a bunch of fucking boring cunts had to come up with the name for their wacky snack uh perries uh doblies uh

Starting point is 00:40:56 tutus uh differences yeah differences what about a pack of a pack of uh poo poo pee pee

Starting point is 00:41:03 it's either ors what do we call them either ors either ors no no it's too much A pack of... A pack of... Poo-poo pee-pee. Etheroes. What do we call them? Etheroes. Etheroes. No, it's too much. Is it like a twin, twinny thing?

Starting point is 00:41:12 Twin, twin, twin. It's been eight hours. I want to go to the pub. It's fucking cold. Twinny's. Let's go. Lazy naming, but they do, I mean... It serves a function, right?

Starting point is 00:41:19 It serves a function. Are you ready to taste either a squashy or a twinny? Now, these have the same look. or a 20 now these have the same look basically they have the same look and so it's going to be harder for me to cheat in the mouth now my hand is out ready to receive i'm handing you the first in it goes what are your thoughts there instantly i'm thinking this is the knockoff why now i'm going to take that back the first few bites there was no flavor there was very little. It kind of just fell apart in my mouth. But the back end was very

Starting point is 00:41:45 recognisably refresher flavoured. There was a fight between the raspberry and the milk. The milk flavour. Again, Paul, I don't want to correct you, but these aren't refreshers. These are drumsticks. Sorry, but you know what I'm getting at. You know, the two, the drumstick flavour came through. Okay.

Starting point is 00:42:02 A lot more at the back end. So you recognise it. You recognise it as a drumstick. Yeah. These are your first thoughts. You don't have to make your decision now. No. I'm just saying my initial thoughts were no, no, no. And then at the end it was like, maybe.

Starting point is 00:42:13 Yeah, okay. Okay. Next. Now, here's your second item. There you go. I feel vulnerable. Right, next one. There it is.

Starting point is 00:42:21 Here we go. He's made a little contented noise as soon as it went in, which we didn't have with the last item. He's in contemplative chewing mode, and he's a sigh. What are your thoughts, Paul? What are your thoughts there? This is confusing. Harder than the first round, you think?

Starting point is 00:42:39 Do you know why? Why? Because the front end was very, very drumsticky, and then the back end was like shit. Okay. And the second ones felt rubberier in a way that the first ones didn't. So I'm going to go ahead and say I'm going to regret this. No, I'm going to stick with it.

Starting point is 00:42:55 You can try again. No. Do you want to have another go? No, because I think I'll addle myself. And I don't think I'm going to get any deeper. Taste number one again. No. Are you sure?

Starting point is 00:43:02 I think number one is the drumstick and number two is the knock off because i think there was just way too much pronounced familiar flavor of the first one to make it recognizably a drumstick it really felt like a drumstick the first whereas the second one was a perfectly valid tasty sweet but it kind of disappears towards the end where the first snack kind of almost reaches a more flavorful crescendo towards the end of that chew so you like the journey that it takes you on better? Yeah, it was like listening to an old shaggy dog story by your grandpapa, you know?

Starting point is 00:43:31 I'm following along, everybody, by tasting these myself. So I'm going to stick with that. The first one was the official Swizzles drumstick and the second was the not-too-bad twinnies. I'm locking it in. Ka-chunk! Paul. Yeah? In the not too bad twinnies. I'm locking it in. Ka-chunk. Paul. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:43:47 In the first part of this challenge. Yeah. You're at the first such challenge. Yeah. You correctly distinguished and identified. Percy Pig from Leo. Percy Pig from Leo the Lion. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:43:57 Now. Are you trying to tarant this by emotion? I'm enjoying this. Yeah. No, good. It's the power I feel when I do this. So enjoy it. Enjoy. You don't get to do this a lot. So enjoy it power I feel when I do this so enjoy it enjoy

Starting point is 00:44:06 you don't get to do this a lot so enjoy it I certainly don't bring this out did you have a favourite of the Percy Pig or the Lion you said the Lion was perfectly good but you still prefer the Percy

Starting point is 00:44:14 I think I think I would still prefer the Percy Pig but as I say if those were a bowl of lions on a party table I'd be more than happy to talk into them

Starting point is 00:44:22 more than happy thanks very much now the second test was telling the Twinnies, the knock-off Twinnies, from the legit swizzled drumstick squashies. The first one you had, you have said,

Starting point is 00:44:35 was the legit. Yeah. And then the second was the knock-off. I'm afraid you're wrong. Really? The first one was the Twinnies, and the second was the squashies. You see, I'm really happy're wrong. Really? The first one was the twinnies, and the second was the squashies. You see, I'm really happy with that outcome, because I honestly feel the first one was just better.

Starting point is 00:44:51 The texture is quite different. It's much softer. It's softer, but it doesn't have that chew, the elasticity of the squashies, which I feel is what gives them that deadly mouthcrack vibe. It's much more rubbery, I think, the second one. Yes. Whereas the first one's a little bit more kind of just chewy in a chew it way.

Starting point is 00:45:11 Yes, in a more sort of generic way. But, mate, I think they taste more like drumsticks than drumsticks, though. Genuinely. Like, that back-end flavour was what threw me off. Initially, it was the quality of the bite that made me think that's a knock-off. But the back-end flavour was just that's a knock-off, but the back

Starting point is 00:45:26 end flavour was just, that's a drumstick to me, whereas there's none of that amplitude in the second one. Do you agree? I can see what you're getting at. The Squashes actually have a more tart note, like the Raspberry has a sort of acidic tartness, which isn't there, which again

Starting point is 00:45:41 might be something that they've added just for this product that wasn't there in the original drumstick. Can something that they've added just for this product. Maybe. That wasn't there in the original drumstick. Can I take this off now? You absolutely can. Yes. Well done. Oh, it's so bright.

Starting point is 00:45:53 How is this a 30 minute segment? Fuck me. Because we've gone in depth, man. We deep dive into it. That's this segment over with. I have already bored myself of this segment. Well done. Well done, though.

Starting point is 00:46:04 I enjoyed that. I enjoyed that process. Oh, hang on. I've got to let him in, mate. This is 32 minutes. And I... I didn't know he even knew we were recording today. Can I come in? Okay, hello.

Starting point is 00:46:20 Hello, boys. Yes. Can I get cash? Can I get cash? Whoa. Ruff? Can I get cash? What? Why you? Hang on, you had a blindfold on. Yeah, we don't owe you money this week because effectively it's a new segment. No one told me about this. I've come all the way down from the... Roundabout.

Starting point is 00:46:38 From the roundabout, Ruff Ruff. It's a brand off, off brand. Do you know, I can't, look, lend us a few quid. Alright, and what do you need? £600 off, off brand. Do you know, I can't, look, lend us a few quid. All right, and what do you need? £600, something rough. I can do you £300 now, but I have to get £300 out of the cash machine. Well, is this, going forward, it's in the contract that you... No, there's no contract, remember?

Starting point is 00:46:56 You have tried to kill us... Jimmy says there's a contract. Jimmy? Rough. Jimmy said... Of all people, mate... In bed last night, Jimmy said there was a contract. Well, not bed, it's more like bracken.

Starting point is 00:47:05 But we're building. We're building. There's shelves and stuff in the trees. How's the planning coming along for the charity show? Oh, I did want to... Rough, rough. Thank you. Thank you for bringing that up.

Starting point is 00:47:14 Sorry, I'm just so hungry. I'm very excited about that, because I know you had to postpone it. I had to postpone it, but just can I have an assurance from you two that you're still up for presenting? Oh, yeah, yeah for presenting oh yeah yeah yeah we've got some nice things lined up as well it's going to be the show

Starting point is 00:47:29 of a lifetime lads it's going to be Ruff Ruff so good for your profile we're going to raise a lot of money for charity it'd be brilliant for the profiles

Starting point is 00:47:35 of the whole podcast and we've decided we're going to give out little kind of things to wear like you know we're going to do Red Cock Day

Starting point is 00:47:41 so everyone can buy Red Knob I thought it was oh yeah Red Knob Day yeah it's Red Knob Ruff Ruff we're funny you're such funny little boys aren't you Ruff Ruff

Starting point is 00:47:49 so everyone will be able to buy a big red knob they can wear on their face Ruff that sounds great just so I have your assurance Ruff Ruff that you are

Starting point is 00:47:57 both still very much yes we're still involved up for it okay I'll tell Jimmy we've booked the studio space to film this Ruff Ruff telethon end of Fe. I'll tell Jimmy. We've booked the studio space to film this telephone.

Starting point is 00:48:07 End of Feb. I'll tell Jimmy when we bed down. Yeah. This weathers. Do you do top and tail or is it more you spoon? Well, you know, you have to keep guard. So usually we have a little chat. Oh, you have a little kind of rotator.

Starting point is 00:48:19 We have a chat before the night shift starts, so to speak. So one of you goes to sleep and the other one stays awake. You've got to look out because there could be some, you know, like a runaway truck. Yeah, true. And it could have Ruff Ruff like turkeys on the back. And then we have to go out and Mad Max it, as I like to say. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do basically a robbery.

Starting point is 00:48:37 And then there's the Beast of the Roundabout as well, isn't there? You've heard about that. The Beast of the Roundabout? Don't tell me about the Beast of the Roundabout. I shit him, Ruff Ruff. I don't know, mate. I've heard legends about the Beast of the Roundabout. It lurks at night on the roundabout. No, me about the beast of the roundabout I shit him Ruff Ruff I don't know mate I've heard legends about the beast

Starting point is 00:48:46 of the roundabout it lurks at night on the roundabout listen I have to go some people say it looks like an old naked man but with like

Starting point is 00:48:52 I have to let you in Ruff Ruff with like dog legs almost like a human torso with dog's legs yes that's how we designed it

Starting point is 00:48:59 Ruff Ruff I have to let you into a little secret here are you the beast of the roundabout I am the beast of the roundabout

Starting point is 00:49:04 Ruff Ruff anyway it's great to let you into a little secret here. Are you the beast of the roundabout? I am the beast of the roundabout, Ruff Ruff. Anyway, it's great, I've got your assurance for the red knob day, boys. It's the beast like a kind of Scooby-Doo thing

Starting point is 00:49:13 where you pretend to be the beast that scares people away from the roundabout to find you. We have to scare them away, they'll find our bedding and shelves. That's what I was going to say,

Starting point is 00:49:18 they'll find your tent, right? It's not a tent, really, it's much more complicated than that. No, it's complicated, it's an old 1980s He-Man action play tent That you fucking put

Starting point is 00:49:27 A weird bedding in Ruff ruff Look Needs must Look Can you fuck off now I'll give you the 600 quid later But we're recording right now

Starting point is 00:49:34 Right Bye Eli But mate This is the last 600 quid Bye Richard Ruff You're getting off us Well you've done my segment

Starting point is 00:49:40 It's got my name on it No it had your segment Well what's the new segment called Off brand Brand off No brand off You said it Ruff ruff Two different words It's not brand off on it. No, it had your segment. Well, what's the new segment called? Off Brand, Brand Off. No, Brand Off. You said it. Ruff Ruff.

Starting point is 00:49:46 Two different words. It's not Brand Off's Off Brand, Brand Off anymore. It's Brand Off, Off Brand. I'm Brand Off. I'm also the beast of the roundabout. Ruff Ruff. Bye. This is now a 37-minute segment.

Starting point is 00:49:57 Even with editing, it's probably going to be a few minutes shorter. And I've already dragged this out as far as we can go. So why don't you go and I'll end this segment and that's that segment ended he's wearing the t-shirt so why not jump aboard the Cheap Eats Express

Starting point is 00:50:14 Cheap Eats it's coming round the bend Cheap Eats you'll get you in the end Cheap Eats it's coming out the head Cheap Eats'll get you in the end Cheap eats It's coming out the head Cheap eats It's steaming ahead

Starting point is 00:50:28 We eat lots of cheap stuff And talk about it That's it That's the concept for this segment Oh! Right, so We have two things Well, actually a bit special

Starting point is 00:50:37 A bit special Something a bit special But let's start with the Can I ask a question? You can Where did the Lay's Pizza Hut flavoured crisps come from? I don't know.

Starting point is 00:50:47 Up around your way. Do you remember when I was on the way to the office Christmas party? Oh, yeah, before you got on the bus into the woods. Yes, before then. In the cabin. I started off in your area. Do you know what? I got home in the end after that fucking party.

Starting point is 00:51:00 So now you all fucking got home safe and sound. I had to trudge through the woods. Do you know who was driving the Uber? Sexy Santa. Your Uber was driven by Sexy Santa? Yeah. I'm not going to go into any more detail. Okay, good.

Starting point is 00:51:11 Well. But he had his first share of fucking mini milk mousse that night. I tell you that for a fucking fact. Hey! Call back to the arse stuff! He fucking loves it. Okay. It was a matter of scatter.

Starting point is 00:51:22 Oh. So let's do the crisps first and these i think are definitely imported because they're lays not walkers right yeah if they were manufactured to be sold here they'd be walkers wouldn't they which and also walkers did do recently didn't they did the kind of uh high street restaurant flight favorite kfc kfc which we tasted and they were very underwhelming no not kfc but they KFC. Every single crisp packet was flavoured like a restaurant. So there was Pizza Express, margarita pizza. Then there was like a Thai or was it...

Starting point is 00:51:53 What's that chicken restaurant? Nando's. Nando's. It was a Nando's thing, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah. So I wonder if these are the same... But this isn't the same. These are the same range of their recent KFC ones.

Starting point is 00:52:02 Because it says, flavour inspired by the iconic restaurant Pizza Hut. Yes, which is... The reason I know, Paul, is the shop where I bought these, the KFC ones were next to them with the same kind of packaging. Do you see? But I think the British market just got KFC. Was that Lay's, though?

Starting point is 00:52:18 I thought that was another company. Wasn't that like Max? No, that was Lay's. That was it? That was Walker's, yeah. Walker's Max. Yeah. Max is a sub-brand of Walker's, isn't it?

Starting point is 00:52:26 That's right. But these obviously weren't for this mark of this territory, but are in the same sort of thing. It's a restaurant tie-in crisp, basically, Paul. So we're going to start with this. We've had a lot of pizza-flavoured crisps recently on this show. Remember that pizza restaurant-flavoured crisp? I like that.

Starting point is 00:52:42 Specifically restaurant-flavoured. But that were bits and pieces weren't they yeah but they were fucking delicious they were guardiolis something like that

Starting point is 00:52:50 pizza bits or something that was absolute fucking mouth ejaculate that was very nice they were very nice and they did manage to conjure up

Starting point is 00:52:58 that feeling of being in an Italian restaurant having pizza the herbiness of it all the parmesan dust yeah do you know what I mean the rennet the rennet dummy rennet Italian restaurant having pizza. The herbiness of it all. The parmesan dust. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? The rennet.

Starting point is 00:53:07 The rennet. Dummy rennet. So because we're doing things a bit backwards, I'm going to open the pack and give it a huff. Give it a little huff. Now these again, just if we haven't been clear, these are Pizza Hut inspired pizza flat, margarita flat.

Starting point is 00:53:21 Margarita specifically. So what are you thinking is going to be the big one? I think it's going to be basil and cheese. Oregano. It's going to be an overwhelming... I'm not holding out a lot of hope. Do you know why? Why?

Starting point is 00:53:30 The KFC ones were fucking bullshit, weren't they? If they hadn't have had KFC on the front, I would never have been able to say that it was... Oh, yeah. That's recognisably KFC flavoured. Not at all. They just tasted like another roast chicken flavoured crisp. And I think these are just going to be generic,

Starting point is 00:53:46 very similar to the ones... Right, here we go. The Huff... I might be wrong. Here comes the Huffman. What's the Huffman saying? Disappointing. Really? It's got a very familiar potato crisp scent that hits you first.

Starting point is 00:54:01 That kind of ready salted crisp scent. So it's the smell of the actual potato more than any flavour. And then, yeah, the back of the pizza is there, but it's fighting through that potato hoff. Take some of those crisps out of the pack, Paul, and I'm going to see if I can rejig some

Starting point is 00:54:17 huff mist. Give it a little... I'm going to try and reactivate the huff mist on this. And I'm going to have a bite. Oh, yeah. I'm getting cheese. I'm getting the oregano.

Starting point is 00:54:30 I got mostly potato out of that. I'm getting a very standard sort of... Right, let's try it. Is there any visible? They are sort of a bit reddened, aren't they? With a sort of... Ooh. I mean, they do taste of margarita pizza.

Starting point is 00:54:44 Yeah, they do. But they'reita pizza. Yeah, they do. But they're heavy on the ketchup, the tomato sauce. Exactly what I was going to say. That's what hits the tongue first, isn't it? Now, I happen to really like, then the cheese comes in after. They're quite good. They're quite good. Better than the smell would suggest.

Starting point is 00:54:58 Do you remember those green ones we tasted? These are better, I think. Yeah. These got more of a sort of, more amplitude, more of a rounded pizza attack. On the tongue. It's funny. I will say they are very reminiscent of the pizza margarita

Starting point is 00:55:11 you would get from Pizza Hut. It's got that doughiness to it as well. It's got... It's basically big upfront flavour of the ketchup, the tomato sauce. Yeah. Then the kind of warmth

Starting point is 00:55:20 of the cheese comes through. Then when you start chewing into the crisp itself, that's when you get the doughiness almost. They're good crisps. They're fine crisps. Much better than the KFC ones. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 00:55:29 Much better. KFC is... I like that tomatomeness because it reminds me of one of my favourite walkers, our Heinz tomato flavoured ketchup crisps. I love those. And that's like one of those, but even improved with the nice cheesy heat coming through on the second note, like you said. Now, I'm going to

Starting point is 00:55:46 rate that out of five. I'm going to give that 3.75. Do you know what? I had a number in my mind, Paul. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:55:54 I had a number in my mind. In your pint. In my mind. Yeah. And do you know what that number was?

Starting point is 00:56:00 I mean, just for the whole kismet of it, 3.75. It certainly was. Well, then I reckon we can both settle on 3.75 certainly was well then i reckon we can both settle on 3.75 as pretty decent as pizza crisps go there's a lot in there it's a big bag so they're not the cheapest because they're definitely better than the ones that we tasted which were just

Starting point is 00:56:15 walker's own brand sort of margarita which had a horrible pininess if i remember and also it hasn't got that basil or argano thing. Almost artificial organo going on. There is some herbiness, but it's... But not a lot. No. No. I like it. It's big on the tomato, big on the cheese, low on the herb. And that's the way to go with these.

Starting point is 00:56:33 But I also don't believe I could cane that bag. Because it's such a rich flavour, I kind of feel like I might be sick a few handfuls in. But a nibbler. It's definitely a nibbler. You can come back to it. Yeah. What a surprisingly good first snack. And now it's time for something a littlebler. It's definitely a nibbler. You can come back to it. What a surprisingly good first snack.

Starting point is 00:56:46 And now it's time for something a little bit different. Something to wash it down with, Paul. Would you like a pot of my arse mini milk, Moose? I really wouldn't. Now, I've got something to wash it down with, Paul. This is a sodie pop. Now, we are... Also, sometimes when I put a load of mini milks up,

Starting point is 00:57:02 I drink a load of cream soda. And then I... And I make my own floats. But it wouldn't come out then. All the water would come out your wee-wee because that's what happens. Yeah. He's just winking at me.

Starting point is 00:57:14 That's how it works, isn't it? It's not how it works. What works? It's how I work. Wouldn't it be better if you put the soda up the same way the mini milks went? Oh, you mean like... I can't believe I'm asking you that.

Starting point is 00:57:24 Shake up a tin and then fire it up my shooter that's what I wanted you to do with the Red Bull Red Bull enema I'm up for do you know there was that soldier

Starting point is 00:57:32 who died when someone poured a bottle of wine up his arse no yeah it's dangerous yeah because you should never

Starting point is 00:57:38 drink alcohol through your arse you really shouldn't for the very simple reason that you're a fucking idiot for even thinking of contemplating that full stop. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:57:47 No one ever thinks, oh, I'll get more full if I put a red hot sausage up my bum hole. Oh, that'll fill me right up. But it does absorb really quickly. And you know, in France... Sausages don't. No. You need a few weeks to break down a sausage in your cavity.

Starting point is 00:57:58 That's why I ended up working with mini milks. Anyway, the drink we're going to do next is something to wash our mouth out with. Now, we'd like a challenge on this podcast, Paul. We do. And we have a little bit of a tradition of... Mystery drinks. Mystery drinks. Now, what's the update on the recent

Starting point is 00:58:13 mystery drinks that we've guessed at? From what I understand, they are still serving that Fanta drink in the UK and some of Europe. So as of February, I think, this year, they stopped producing that line. And then the website will tell everyone what so as of February I think this year they stopped showing they stopped producing that line and then the website

Starting point is 00:58:27 will tell everyone what the flavour was so if we can we'll try and get a bottle of that before it's all over so we can refresh ourselves and attempt again once we know

Starting point is 00:58:34 when the answer's out but we did guess it when we were walking about in Barnet is that right? yes fucking no it was our Ganon's Golden Quest 2

Starting point is 00:58:41 yeah that's when we tried that Fanta drink and we said it was elderflower or something did I sayflower or something. Did I say cucumber or something? Well, we can go back

Starting point is 00:58:48 and we can check that and we also can have another go nearer the time. Yeah. But it seems all the big drinks manufacturers are jumping on this bandwagon

Starting point is 00:58:56 and it's just a symptom of having a mystery flavour. It's a symptom of the control in this day and age that these big producers have over the flavour profiles of their products. Get this. This was

Starting point is 00:59:05 unheard of when I was a child drinking sodie pop. You just get, you know, there was just three flavours. There was lemonade, cola and cherry. That was it, basically. No, you always got your lemon and lime Sprite type stuff, didn't you? That kind of counts as a different one. That's lemonade.

Starting point is 00:59:22 It is essentially... Alright, okay. Sprite, stroke seven up, is what we call lemonade here. Yeah. But cola... But cola? Is this another thing you do? I mean, well... I'm trying to expand.

Starting point is 00:59:33 You're trying to expand. In more ways than one. Trying to get the widest arsehole in the whole world. Eventually I want my fucking arsehole to look like a Hoover nozzle. It already does, baby. It looks like a greasy little kissy hoover nozzle. Do the kissy sound.

Starting point is 00:59:48 Oh, I love this show. I want my bumhole to look like Nunu from fucking Teletubbies, whatever that hoover was called. There was a hoover character on Teletubbies. Yeah, called Nunu or something, wasn't it? I didn't know. I never used to watch it.

Starting point is 01:00:01 They used to clean up the Teletubbies mess when they used to splash their pink goo about. A little bit before my time, Paul. Now, this is... Mate, I was a to watch it. And who used to clean up the Teletubbies mess when they used to splash their pink goo about? A little bit before my time, Paul. Now, this is... Mate, I was a stoner at university. Teletubbies was what I watched daily. I liked the clangers. Obviously, I'm not that old,

Starting point is 01:00:14 but they used to do repeats. And also, they used to do... This is my ultimate stoner. Oh, man, Solomon. I don't care what you say. My ultimate stoner sort of do-nothing TV program for the afternoon, student for the afternoon. You know, guess what that was?

Starting point is 01:00:29 Bagpuss. Minder. Oh. Minder. We went with two very different options there. Minder. They used to show like two in the afternoon on ITV2 or whatever. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:00:37 Fucking great. Absolute perfect stoner. For me, it was Bagpuss. RIP Dennis Waterman this year as well. No, last year. 2023 now, isn't it? Yeah. The year that has just ended.

Starting point is 01:00:48 Do you know when they released the Sweeney movies, they were like rated 18 or whatever the 18 rating was. Sweeney was hardcore. They made two Sweeney movies, and apparently they were both like X-rated movies, violent and sex and all sorts. I've never seen them. It's grown-up material.

Starting point is 01:01:02 It's the flying squad. Leave it. I love all that stuff i love he's got a shooter mind i love because you get to see bits of london that have changed over the years always for that sort of psychogeographical background those kind of programs from that age have a more resonance with me i understand that do you see what i mean it's like that hauntology thing anyway we're doing drinking a mystery drink called... What is it called?

Starting point is 01:01:27 It's called... Mountain Dew is the brand. Yes. And they've got a lot of... They have that chilli one. They're very much on the sort of novelty flavour soda bandwagon, aren't they? And surprisingly, that hot, hot Mountain Dew drink was very tasty. Weirdly.

Starting point is 01:01:40 Well, like a mini... Weirdly. Well, like those chilli minis. I like a certain kind of chilli sweet yeah myself they do go

Starting point is 01:01:47 sweetness and chilli go together quite well they can do they can also be really fucking disgusting if you get the quality wrong yes

Starting point is 01:01:54 interesting so this is mystery flavour it says very clearly at the top it's an orange can it's voodoo as in voodoo

Starting point is 01:02:03 I'm glad you had to explain that because I was going to worry if it was going to be ever so slightly anti-semitic's voodoo as in voodoo i'm glad you had to explain that because i was going to worry if there's going to be i ever so slightly anti-semitic no you you voodoo voodoo yes how is voo is it voo yeah i just want to see out of interest have a little look if the answer's already been found and there is a sort of wraith like figure oh it was a halloween it was a halloween special edition this drink. Has it been revealed? On October 31st, 1922.

Starting point is 01:02:28 I'm not going to reveal it just in case it has, just so you know. October 1st, 2022, Voodoo Grim, endorsed by the official Mountain Dew Twitter account, unveiled the flavour to be... And then I'm going to leave it. You've seen? I've seen it now. Okay. I had to, to prove that there was an answer, unfortunately. Okay, so I'm doing a little bit of a blind thing here. Yeah, you're in charge of the vines.

Starting point is 01:02:46 But it's good that we actually know now, so we can see immediately. Yeah, not only is the phantom. Dilly fucking dallying. Okay, I'm going to pour some out for you, Paul. I just want to get a fresh huff on the snuff snuff. Oh, I'm getting a lot of... It reminds me of an orange pez.

Starting point is 01:03:04 Oh, interesting. It really reminds me of an orange Pez. Oh, interesting. It really reminds me of an orange Pez, the Huff. So was this only released in America and somehow it's over here now? Well, it's like, you know, the way they import Cheetos and stuff. I think some shops just... Only available in America. Halloween 2022. I've seen it in more than one shop in London.

Starting point is 01:03:20 And it's a white drink. Yeah, there you go. Well, it's got a yellow tinge to it. Looks like it's got decent carbonation Paul yeah I'm going to hand you there's a glass of it I'm going to have a little sniff

Starting point is 01:03:29 oh yeah okay do you see what I mean about the pez yeah yeah yeah alright let's give this a go a nice fizzy it's a real

Starting point is 01:03:36 it's got a ginger beer almost thing going on it's orange right I've got a very overpowering orange but that's what Mountain Dew is an orange flavoured soda

Starting point is 01:03:43 original have a drink and then I'm going to read something out to you before you have a guess, all right? There's not a lot going on there, really. I'm just getting orange. Yeah. Orangeade.

Starting point is 01:03:51 Right, description. Voodoo was a mystery flavour of Mountain Dew and had a white look with a similar architecture to its Halloween flavours. Speculation. Since this flavour was a mystery flavour, many people have tried to draw comparisons to some slight can of candy or other types of candy.

Starting point is 01:04:06 The clues. When it was first released, some fans found a fascinating discovery when you zoom into the pumpkin in the cemetery. What do you see on the can if you zoom in? I'm just going to turn the light off. Yeah, go for it. The mystery deepens. Now I'm looking for the pumpkin. Oh, there's a pumpkin.

Starting point is 01:04:21 Yeah. Oh, I'm going to have to... What can you see? There's something in the pumpkin's mouth. Yeah, there should be a character near a pumpkin. Yeah. Oh, I'm going to have to... What can you see? There's something in the pumpkin's mouth. Yeah, there should be a character near that pumpkin doing something. Can you see it? I don't know if I'm looking at the right pumpkin.

Starting point is 01:04:33 So it says a Sour Patch Kid can be seen burning as a candle in the pumpkin. Ooh, ooh! It's Sour Patch flavoured. Hang on, let me go. Carry on. One clue is from the Voodoo Grimm Twitter account, which posted a photograph of themselves on a table holding a sign

Starting point is 01:04:50 signifying that they were a big fan of Fran Casey Davulro. Once you unscramble the text, it revealed itself to be... And then the answer was revealed on Halloween. The Twitter account... Give me the anagram. I'll have a go. All right, go on. Do you want to have a go?

Starting point is 01:05:04 I like this. This is like you put extra value in. Fans don't bother Give me the anagram, I'm going to have a go. Alright, go on. Do you want to have a go? I like this. It's like you put extra value in. Fans don't bother with any of this shit, do they? Clues and what have you. This is like the Blair Witch Project. There's a Mountain Dew

Starting point is 01:05:13 fandom site I'm reading this from. Trivia. This is the flavour. This flavour is the sixth Halloween flavour drink to be released after Pitch Black,

Starting point is 01:05:19 Pitch Black 2, Voodoo in 2019, Voodoo in 2020, Voodoo in 2021, Voodoo in 2019 voodoo in 2020 voodoo in 2021 voodoo in 2022 and a seventh voodoo in 2023 well that hasn't come out yet no but they'll have one there's a twitter account mystery flavors were they these voodoo ones yeah there's a twitter account named voodoo grim and jaw spy mountain jew and have been inactive since 2021 but has been updated for 2022. On the packaging

Starting point is 01:05:46 there's a reference to the past three Voodoo flavours in the form of tombstones marked 2019, 2020 and 2021. Like the Christmas flavours this flavour also has

Starting point is 01:05:55 a similar architecture to its Halloween flavours and inspired by the Halloween spirit. But what flavour do you think it is? That gingerbread one we drank was quite nice

Starting point is 01:06:03 as well wasn't it? That was quite nice yeah. I'm not a huge Mountain Dew fan. No, I mean, this is probably my... But I'm enjoying their fun flavours. This was one of the least favourites, this flavour. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:06:12 Can I have the anagram, the letters of the anagram? Oh, yeah. Okay, so Fran. F-R-A-N. Casey. Sorry, C-A-S-Y. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:06:21 And then Dol Vuro, which is D-O-L-V-U-R-O. And you've got 30 seconds starting from now. What am I looking for? How many words? It's three words. It's not orange because there is almost... No, I'm sorry, Bob.

Starting point is 01:06:56 Right. I don't know. I was trying to spell the word orange. I've got the O, the R. No, the R, I'm just going to throw you off. Yeah, that's throwing me off. In fact, I'm going to say you're going to be quite upset with the flavour when it's revealed to you in the next few seconds because on October 31st, the official account on Twitter

Starting point is 01:07:11 unveiled that the 2022 flavour is... Sour Candy. Fuck off. Sour Candy flavour, whatever that means to you. I've lost 100% of respect for them now. But when you said orange pears. I was on it. You were pretty much on it.

Starting point is 01:07:29 Because I think that's what they're going for. That's why I think they have the Sour Patch character on it. To kind of go, oh, look. Which, to be fair, is more than fucking Fanta do. Fanta just went, it's in a blue bottle now. It's a blue fucking drink. They've at least gone, here's a little bit of a game. Let's put a little puzzle in so you can notice on the can.

Starting point is 01:07:44 I like all of that and I like the artwork and I like the whole sort of, you know. Lovely. I agree but the actual drink itself That's fine. It's not the best Mountain Dew variant I've had, put it that way. No, but it's not unpleasant. In fact, this might be the

Starting point is 01:08:00 most kind of satisfyingly generic flavour I've ever had. It just tastes like an orange soda, really, doesn't it? But it has that sort of artificiality, that candiness, which is nice. Eli, the train's pulling away. We'd better get back on the cheap hits express and get out of this segment. Okay. Sorry, I had to fuck that monkey.

Starting point is 01:08:18 Get out of the way. Now I'm running for the train. I've got to fuck another monkey. I've got a hang glider. Oh, look, that bird's chasing me on my hang glider. Get away from me, dirty Sid. And that's the end of that segment. Seriously, though, do you want some ass milk, mini milk, chocolate mousse?

Starting point is 01:08:34 Press the button. Oh, I'll press my button and make you some drippings. No, I can't believe this. What? I mean, I had this whole thing about... What? Things. Yeah, and I completely usurped it, didn't I? this. What? I mean, I had this whole thing about things. Yeah, and I completely usurped

Starting point is 01:08:47 it, didn't I? I had hope at the beginning and then you did a whole extended thing about mini milks up his bum. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:08:53 We should have put mini milk on that list. Mini milk finger pop it my bum my. Something like that.

Starting point is 01:08:58 Express the pattern. And that's all for this week on Che show new year new nothing it's we're back next week and if you want to stay in touch with us go to twitter at the cheap show pod i'm at paul gannon show and eli is eli snoid which is spelt e-l-i-s-n-o-i-d twitter still exists if it exists whatever fucking shape and form it's in now but we're still there come and have a chat with us there

Starting point is 01:09:27 we have our website thecheapshow.co.uk there are links to everything there episode guides videos links to merch in fact

Starting point is 01:09:37 events just finally released the complete episode 13 this story comic book adventure Halloween goat story it's a masterpiece. And I strongly suggest

Starting point is 01:09:47 you get a physical copy of that. Because it's just a beautiful thing to own. So there's that. There's loads of merch. We're doing a tie-in video for the patrons. We are going to do it. We mentioned that before Christmas, but I just literally ran out of mental and physical energy to do it.

Starting point is 01:10:03 So we're going to get on that next week, but we are going to do an accompanying top-tier video on Patreon for that edition of the magazine. Which leads us into... Patrons. Thank you, patrons. Thank you, patrons. Your continued support is very, very, very appreciated.

Starting point is 01:10:19 Look, there's years of stuff there if you want to become a patron. Magazines, episodes, commentaries, secrets, behind-the-scenes stuff, special walkabouts. A years of stuff there if you want to become a patron. Magazines, episodes, commentaries, secrets, behind the scenes stuff, special walkabouts. A lot of stuff. Lots of stuff there. Thank you, patrons. If you would like to become a patron, go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show. Give what you can, but please only if you can.

Starting point is 01:10:39 Things are tight now. Cost of living, blah, blah, blah. So only support us if you can comfortably do so. If you can't, just help spread the word. Retweet and all that kind of stuff. Paul, you said things are tight now. You know one thing that isn't tight after... My bummer, I'm after like a row of mini milks.

Starting point is 01:10:54 All those mini milks up there. Yeah, all those mini milks. And mate, I might move up to Zooms. Zoom wouldn't have the same milky consistency on the way out. No, but I've got to diversify, haven't I? I've got to diversify. Well, you could have alternate on the board, on the bumming I've got to diversify haven't I I've got to diversify well you could have alternate on the board

Starting point is 01:11:06 on the bumming board you could have alternate I don't call it a bumming board it's an ass ramp right lowest point ever

Starting point is 01:11:14 we say that but at this point we keep going down it's turtles all the way down isn't it talking of which I need to poop so we'll see you

Starting point is 01:11:23 next week boys and girls thanks everyone bye bye bye everybody bye Talking of which, I need to poop. So we'll see you next week, boys and girls. Thanks, everyone. Bye-bye. Bye, everybody. Bye.

CheapShow - Ep 314: The Mini Milk Manoeuvre

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