CheapShow - Ep 318: Top Notch Western Romance

Starting point is 00:00:00 How's this for you? How's this for you? What is that? Hey, Paul, how's this for you? Arousing? Now you're going to carry on now? Now you know it turns me on. Are you going to carry on making your funny little voice

Starting point is 00:00:16 now that you know I'm getting a tent downstairs? Gannon's putting up the big top. Is that it? Do you carry on, mate? Because I want to burst through the top of my big top and have the big clown come out with his little party blower and go, wee-oo-ee, wee-oo-ee. I don't know why it does that.

Starting point is 00:00:32 But anyway, go on. Go on what? Carry on with your, is this all right for you? I was simply, I didn't know we'd started the podcast, obviously. Because that would be very unprofessional. You've got to be snip, snap, snip, snap, snip. Well, usually what a co-host does... You've got to be on your ball, mate.

Starting point is 00:00:47 Usually what a professional co-host would do, who had some sense of duty and responsibility to his co-host, Paul, would do, Paul, what would they do? Usually what they would do is they would signal to their valued co-host. Here's a signal. When they'd started... Here's a signal. He's flicking the Vs, everybody.

Starting point is 00:01:05 Here's a signal, go. Right, I'm doing that stupid one that doesn't turn you on. All the Nosferatu balls are out. The Nosferatu balls. Is that what they're called now? Nobsferatu. Count Dicula and his Nobsferatu. He's got a...

Starting point is 00:01:24 No, let's not do it. Can we start again? He's got a nemesis, you know. I'm warmed up now. You know He's got a nemesis, you know. You know he's got a nemesis, knob for R2. Please stop the thing, because I'm warmed up now. Save it. Van Ballstring. No, that doesn't work. Come on. Van Hamstring.

Starting point is 00:01:36 Why Hamstring? What's the Van Banjo String? I felt that. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse people love noodles it's just a fact of cheap show you're gonna have to learn to fucking accept cheap show to fucking accept. Cheat Show. Off-brand, brand, off-brand, brand, off-brand.

Starting point is 00:02:14 Cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat. Cheat Show. It's the price of shite. Paul Gannon. Eli Silverman. Welcome to Cheap Show. And I go and I nuzzle. That was terrible.

Starting point is 00:02:40 That's the cold open, I'll live with it. Come close to your mic, come on little darling. I'm talking off mic on purpose. Edit this, you wanker. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to an episode of the Cheap Show podcast recorded live in the haunted Harrow house on the hill. Hello, everyone. I'm not feeling very well. Yeah, you may say that. I say that every time.

Starting point is 00:02:57 Every time. You may say that. We may as well call this podcast Eli's Not Well This Week. How about that? Welcome to another episode of Eli's Not Well This Week. How about that? Welcome to another episode of Eli's Not Well This Week. What's wrong with you this week? I've got lingering viral blur. Lingering viral blur.

Starting point is 00:03:11 Lingering viral blur. Take your arm off the table. I keep telling you, and I've asked you to if you want to reposition your mic. I'm not in a good mood now. Shut up. Let me fix your mic. Come on, darling. Put your chair out a little bit

Starting point is 00:03:25 come on out where here we go let's do this get in a position you like it's all good I've got a pillow behind you no

Starting point is 00:03:33 you sure yeah you've got a pillow here you are stop trying to make noises here we go all the impetus is gone let's just do the cold opening

Starting point is 00:03:42 no we're still rolling this is a Gannon way of life we roll with the punches opening. No, we're still rolling. This is a Gannon way of life. We roll with the punches on this podcast. We're a punch rolling kind of show. As a result, I'm excited about this week. I just touched the table again.

Starting point is 00:03:52 Yeah, but that's fine because I didn't hear it that time. Okay, good. It's because you were talking. Can you hear that? I bet you can. Do you want to hear something else? They can't all be winners. Oh, look, you've crossed your arms now.

Starting point is 00:04:04 You're being all defensive. I can't believe this. Come and play with Paul. I can't all be winners. Oh, look, you've crossed your arms now. You're being all defensive. I can't believe this. Come and play with Paul. I can't. You're not being very inviting. I'm inviting you, Ian. It's like you've opened the gate to the garden, and there's a little smell of, oh, is it rosemary in the air?

Starting point is 00:04:17 There's this little sprucey, hmm, something enticing. And then I come around the corner, and then you're there. The beast comes out. What's that you're doing the beast comes out what's that you're doing you're rubbing yourself you're rubbing your gooch on the fucking wood on the rough grained wood of the post of the bench not bench the fence and then you open the fence a bit come to my garden all the easiest jokes about spoffing my fucking balls flying or something then i have to fucking play in there.

Starting point is 00:04:46 And it's a big sandpit. The whole place is just a sandpit with big sandy dog turds. Half melted in between the corgi toys. Soft, submerged dog rockets. You truly are the Alan Bennett of this podcast. The pictures you weave are glorious images for the mind's eye.

Starting point is 00:05:05 Am I in the garden now? Am I playing with big... Yes, you're in the garden playing with dogs' tods. Yes. Yes. Yes, so? Look, Mother, I have a dog tod in left hand and in right hand, Mother. A dog's tod, Mother.

Starting point is 00:05:20 Mother, I'm holding a dog's tod in both hands. Well, I'll tell you what, little Billy. Yes? I'll tell you what. Yes, Mother? You need to toggle those dog's tods on your rod. Put them on your rod. Toggle the dog's tod.

Starting point is 00:05:31 I shall peg the dog's tods, Mother. Peg it. Calibrate the dog's tod on the rod. Pog. Rod. Rod. You went from a sentence to garbage in about three seconds then. Put the dog's tod in your gob.

Starting point is 00:05:42 Okay, Mother. Now shut up while I toggle this rod. And that's this week's edition of Eli's Brainplay. Do you remember in the 80s there used to be a TV show, P.O.B.? Yes, I know. We reference P.O.B. for no reason. No, because it rhymes with gob and P.O.B. torn in our dog's

Starting point is 00:05:58 splodge. Right, okay, good. We'll move on. We'll move on if you don't mind. Billy! Billy, have you still got that dog shit in your mouth? On today move on if you don't mind. So, Billy! Billy, have you still got all that dog shit in your mouth? On today's podcast. Take it out of your mouth, Billy! Thank you.

Starting point is 00:06:11 Yes, Mother. Right, I'm off to the shops. It tasted of guts and bones, Mother. Oh, I can't wait till you're in bed so I can ride your dad's rod. And he's called Rod. That's been dead for years, Mother. He's been maybe dead. He hasn't got a rock hard, short rock. This is where I'm really drawing the line now with this.

Starting point is 00:06:29 This very piss poor improvisation. Rock my butt off. Are you finished? You genuinely finished? No, I'm not. I'm only getting started. No, I mean professionally. Are you finished?

Starting point is 00:06:40 I was over 10 or 15 years ago, yes. 15 years ago when we were thin. I don't know why you're so obsessed with that. A lot of people, men, women, everyone, they grow wider. It's called middle-aged spread. We're both men in our 40s now. Accept it.

Starting point is 00:06:57 I have. Well, accept it. You've given yourself over to it. Oh, fuck off. Well, who are you? Cosmo girl or something cosmo girl yeah fat shaming i'm not cosmo girl oh 22 ways to make sure your podcast co-host doesn't put on too much weight they've not worked have they all 22 have not worked tip three

Starting point is 00:07:19 make sure their diet noodles and sauces tip, make sure he doesn't drink every weekend when he does his professional job as a DJ. Here we go with the drug shaming. No one cares. No one really cares about what you put in your mouth. I won't say anything for the rest of this fucking episode, then how about that? Okay, so let me just talk about what we've got coming up on the show today.

Starting point is 00:07:38 What have we got? Because I might not be saying anything or even taking part in it. Candies, noodles. We're doing another noodle pot blitz because Eli was very keen to do a noodle pot blitz this week. We need to do blitzes in order to get some kind of measure on the whole, the world of pot noodle and noodle pots. Yes. It's blown up.

Starting point is 00:07:58 It's blown up. And we're riding the crest of the successful wave of pot noodles. There's an exponential increase in the pot noodles available. Other ladies around the world are talking about it. Yes, the mothers in the kitchen, they're talking about the pot noodle blitz. What are you talking about? Why are you doing this? Hilary in accounts, she's talking about the noodle pot blitz. Also, Sandra, the librarian, she's talking about it.

Starting point is 00:08:20 They're getting ready for their husbands to come home from work and they're ready to deliver a noodle pot blitz. They've heard about it. Mothers and fathers ready to deliver a Noodlepot Blitz. They've heard about it. Mothers and fathers all working together. Noodlepot Blitz. You've gone from Cosmo Girl to Parthay News Report. No, you did Cosmo Girl. I have no point taking on the role of Cosmo Girl.

Starting point is 00:08:34 You did when you fat shamed me. No, when I cut that bit out so it doesn't matter. And I didn't fat shame you. I said it also. I did say when we were thinner. I also said that. You instantly went to, Paul's picking on me, chum, chum.

Starting point is 00:08:46 That's not what I was getting at. I wasn't referring to that. You got very touchy about it and you brought it up. You said I've let myself go. You said you've let yourself go completely. No, you said that. I fucking did not. You said you accepted middle sex spread.

Starting point is 00:08:58 Middle age spread. Middle sex spread. Letting yourself go is completely qualitatively different, Paul, to a little bit of middle age spread, isn't it? Yes. A little bit of spread. Well, you didn'tting yourself go is completely qualitatively different, Paul, to a little bit of middle-aged spread, you know? Yes.

Starting point is 00:09:08 A little bit of spread. Well, you didn't let yourself go. You just let life kick out the supporting beam of your body and it collapsed. A little bit of spread,

Starting point is 00:09:14 you know? A little bit of spread. Just a little bit of spread. Just a little bit of spread. What do you want of the bread? Just a little bit of spread. I just want a little bit

Starting point is 00:09:21 of spread. What do you want of the cracker? Just a little bit of spread. A little bit fatter with the bunner on the cracker. Spread the bunner. Mothers and ladies all over the world are eating Noodle Pot Blitz. Here's Marjorie. She's in her kitchen. Hello, I'm Marjorie and up until recently I was a noodle klutz but now thanks to the Noodle Pot Blitz sensation sweeping this nation I can satisfy my husband in the bedroom and the kitchen. Ah, Marjorie, how do you do that, we wonder?

Starting point is 00:09:47 But we all know it's great wooden dildos. No, it was the noodle pot. It's great wooden dildos, Marjorie. Admit it. I'm in the cupboard. I didn't agree to this interview. I'm not interviewing you. I'm monitoring you from the cupboard whilst joshing it off.

Starting point is 00:10:00 Why have I got someone in the cupboard? I'm the voiceover guy. I'm in the cupboard. And you're joshing it off? Oh, daily. Oh, my husband's home. What if I got someone in the cupboard? I'm the voiceover guy. I'm in the cupboard. And you're joshing it off? Oh, daily. Oh, my husband's home. Yes, get the dildos.

Starting point is 00:10:11 Get the wooden dildos. You better not have a man in that cupboard joshing off while doing a commentary over this very same scene, darling. Marjorie gets the dinner ready, prepared every day. Right, you get out of my bloody house. She's done dumplings. Get out of this bloody house.

Starting point is 00:10:24 She's done dumplings. She's done dumplings. She's done celery. She's done... I've got to be gone. I'd better go then. And that's the end of that scene, please. I tried to start again, Paul, but we really are on a cascade of shit now. Can I tell you my tells from the shop floor then?

Starting point is 00:10:42 Tells, tells from the shop floor. So we were gifted a 360 camera by tom and channel 84 which we were testing so we can improve our walkabout videos and videos for the channel and the patreon in general right you've already done it yeah we took it out on hamstead heath didn't we did um however on the day when me and eli were due to meet up which is only the day what day was it sund Sunday? Monday? Friday? Thursday? Happy days? What are you doing? Are you going to be sick?

Starting point is 00:11:09 You just keep reaching forward. I'm trying not to let the noises of my gut get onto the tape. You can put your hand up and we can pause. I'll put my hand up? Do I have to put my hand up now? Yeah, so I can come to the end of a sentence naturally without being interrupted and then understand that you need a little break for

Starting point is 00:11:25 a barp, a fort, whatever. A barp or a fort. Yeah, a barp or a fort. Woo! Oh yeah. Now, it was Friday. Okay, so we met up on a Friday, right? To go to Hampstead Heath. And test the camera out. And just see what we can do with it.

Starting point is 00:11:43 What are you enjoying that I'm not? I just feel like we haven't started. This is starting. This is all starting now. I've underperformed so, like, catastrophically today, so far. I feel like I can't get it back today, Paul. I don't know. You just might have to find that magic moment, you know? Find that mystic magic moment that inspires you.

Starting point is 00:12:04 Christ, please fucking look for it, at least. Right right so you were in the charity shop in hamster so while i was waiting for you because you went to the dentist i was waiting around in hamster i thought looking a few charity shops now most of them were closed for whatever reason that day but i went into an oxfam and you saw where was that oxfam uh it's off to the side i don't know it's one of the main roads off to the side of the main thorothur walk as you drive up towards. Near South End Green where I met you. It's up from there somewhere. No, it's up by Hampstead Station on the northern line.

Starting point is 00:12:30 Oh, I mean on the main Hampstead Road. You see. Right, okay. So near there, there's a charity shop in Oxfam, right? Yes. So I popped in. You saw me get that little Lego set that I got, the tiny little Lego store mini set.

Starting point is 00:12:41 The thing is a special edition only available in the gift shop in the Lego world in... Something like that. It was like if you spent over X amount of money in a Lego store in set. Lovely thing is a special edition only available in the gift shop in the Lego world in... Something like that. It was like if you spent over X amount of money in a Lego store in... Denmark. Is that where it's based? Denmark?

Starting point is 00:12:51 Yeah, but there are stores around the world now. But also, I think if you bought online as well, then you'd also get one of these for free thrown in. It's a little shop diorama. It's very meta.

Starting point is 00:13:00 Yeah, it's very meta. It's a Lego shop that you bought in a Lego shop. Meta Lego. It deserves a sort of crazy... However, if you're new to the podcast, listener, that noise that he made there signified... That's one of our problems.

Starting point is 00:13:13 We don't have any new listeners because they hear you. They hear me? And your ramble crap turns them off. And my ramble crap? Your ramble crap turns them off. It does not. It does. You making that noise with your mouth does.

Starting point is 00:13:25 I'm trying to pull it back for you. Can we stop tangenting, please? We're doing too many tangents. I'm trying to pull it back onto the main line. Darling. I'm just explaining to the listener, when you go wobble, wobble, wobble with your mouth, he's implicating a sort of magic or

Starting point is 00:13:41 sci-fi effect. You just killed this podcast dead. What do you mean? Forever? Tempo assassin. Absolutely dead. And then you unclick the gun and put it back in your leather suitcase and you join the throbbing crowds outside,

Starting point is 00:13:57 disting... Thronging is the word you're looking for. Yeah, what's thronging? Throbbing crowd is very something else. Oh, like that. I mean, a crowd can throb. They can throb. But throng.

Starting point is 00:14:12 Throng was the word I was desperately scrabbling for. Can I tell this story anyway? Yeah, I'd love you to. I'm in the odd zone. I'm enjoying this now, okay? I buy this little Lego set. And as I'm just like waiting, this woman bursts into the shop. Like she must have been late 40s early 50s i guess right

Starting point is 00:14:25 okay big bin bag in here and she goes when you say bursts in like literally like throws the door open and charges into the desk register or whatever straight up to the register yeah yeah big bin bag in here and right she plonks it down and goes you're accepting stuff today aren't you darling and the little girl behind the counter i say little girl but she was a young student or something that's really derogatory a young woman behind the counter was a young girl behind the counter, I say little girl, but she was a young student or something. That's really derogatory. A young woman behind the counter. It was a young woman behind the counter. It was a young woman behind the counter. It was like, well, I'm not really sure what to say.

Starting point is 00:14:51 She's volunteering, obviously, and maybe has started there recently. But the woman plongs this bag down and goes, oh, it's some good stuff. You'll take it. You'll take it. Goes to the door and goes, oh, and then runs back in and then runs around the back and around the side, right, out the way. Because the shop has a kind of L shape to it so she went round the L shape

Starting point is 00:15:07 away from the main door are there entrances in both ends no just the one end so why is she going she's going deeper into the shop now yes but you don't know why

Starting point is 00:15:15 no at this point I don't know why and then 30 seconds later I figured out why then a guy bursts in he's like have you seen this woman about this tall

Starting point is 00:15:23 browner she's flogging all my stuff to charity shops, right? Fucking hell. And the woman behind the counter goes, what's kind of going on? And he goes, it's just my bug. And he goes in. There's like an Xbox in there with some nice trainers and a phone. Something like that anyway.

Starting point is 00:15:38 Quite expensive items. Expensive looking stuff. He goes, this is mine. I've gone to four charity shops around here getting bags. Have you seen her? Have you seen her? He must have at the fucking stuff. He goes, this is mine. I've gone to four charity shops around here getting bags. Have you seen her? Have you seen her? He must have done the dirty. So he grabs the bag and he leaves, right?

Starting point is 00:15:50 And he went back to the street. And then she emerges. And the woman kind of peeps through and she's laughing and she's giggling. And she goes, I'll fucking kick him to the curb. Oh, he's bad for me. He was cheating behind me back. I saw the text. I saw the pictures.

Starting point is 00:16:02 Oh, so I'm getting rid of his stuff. He's out. He's out. I've had enough of him he's out meanwhile everyone is just like staring kind of strange at the whole scene playing out i'm giggling hard can i ask sort of socio-economically how did they appear to you did what were they the clothing like normal people because you know hamstead is posh yes it is posh that seems a bit out of place for what I would... Right? That's what I didn't expect.

Starting point is 00:16:27 You know what I'm getting at? I'm not trying to be snobby. No, no. They didn't look... No, there was nothing about them which said lower or upper class. Just middle class. Just sort of middle of the road. Fine, you know? He dressed like me.

Starting point is 00:16:36 And she, you know, whatever. Funny. He must have done the dirt. Well, she said. Yeah, she saw the pic. Meanwhile, the girl behind the counter is just like, I don't need this. I really don't need this.

Starting point is 00:16:47 And as the woman, and then she goes, has he gone yet? Has he gone yet? Clicks her fingers and walks out the door. Okay. And in my head, all I can hear is, I'm every woman. Well, it's good because, I mean,

Starting point is 00:16:57 if you throw the guy's stuff into the street, you may break some of it, but it will get nicked and it won't do any good. No. You know, if you give it to charity even if it you're not allowed he probably came home

Starting point is 00:17:09 to like their shared flat or something and was like where's my Xbox and my TV and my Blu-ray player and all my Blu-rays and

Starting point is 00:17:16 how did he know that she was giving it away she must have let him know in some way I don't know or threatened it because or maybe he caught her

Starting point is 00:17:22 or she threatened to do it but she seemed to have a load of stuff in several different bags. Apparently. She was doing a whole circuit. I mean, he might have been dramatising, I don't know. But I just thought that was a really funny story. It is funny where you see the whole narrative unfold like that.

Starting point is 00:17:37 What happened next? What if there'd been some kind of fucking dildo in there? Do you mean a dildo? With a big sticky pube on it. Oink, oing, oing. That's the contribution you want to give to this story. Imagine there was an oingy boingy dildo

Starting point is 00:17:53 with a piab on. I can't, sorry. I thought that was quite amusing. Sounds like a horrible Dr. Seuss book. Xbox, pair of Nike Air. Oingy doingy doingy. What, a giant rubber fist on a pneumatic drill.

Starting point is 00:18:08 With a big pube. With one big piab. One huge visible pube plastered on. Is it right on the tip and a kind of question mark type thing? Yeah, that's how I envisioned it.

Starting point is 00:18:18 Well, thank you for adding to my story. But that's a true tale from the shop floor. Yeah. There's no poo, no vomit, no scat, no necrotic leg holes, no dead old people. true tale from the shop floor. Yeah. There's no poo, no vomit, no scat,

Starting point is 00:18:25 no necrotic leg holes, no dead old people. I was just about to say, because this is a segment we haven't done for a very long time. Yes. What's the status?

Starting point is 00:18:34 Because you're the boss of the cheap show. We've had a few come in and I'm banking them for future episodes because I want to do them with guests and things like that so they can react to them.

Starting point is 00:18:41 But also, there's a lot of that coming in that kind of punched down to the disenfranchised of this country. And I'm trying not to do those stories anymore because I say, I don't like punching down. It looks a bit like this, Paul.

Starting point is 00:18:50 Like this mouse pad. What does? A dildo. You know what? I'm done with you and this segment now. No, but what I'm asking, on behalf of the listenership of the podcast, Paul, on behalf of the whole listenership,

Starting point is 00:19:03 including the new ones, hello, if you've just joined us. Hello, I'm Eli Silverman. That's Paul Gannon. Right. This is Cheap Show. Oh, yeah, the Economy Comedy... Oh, fuck it.

Starting point is 00:19:11 Go on. The Economy Comedy Podcast for your heirs. For your heirs. Go on. What was I saying? I don't know. Let's just stop this

Starting point is 00:19:19 while we can. No, there was a segment called Tales from the Shop Floor. Yes. It's a very old segment, very well established. We do it intermittently. Where people like yourselves write in stories of incidents they've had in the world of retail,

Starting point is 00:19:31 especially charity shops. Ideally. Thrift stores. They get bumped right to the top of the list if they're a charity shop. Double sales, secondhand stores, bazaars. Poundlands. Retro clothing shops. Late night garages.

Starting point is 00:19:43 Late night garages? Yeah, late night garages. You were going to fucking try your luck. No, that's good. I like a late night garage. Yeah, we haven't really covered that. A late night garage has like a lino floor and a glass wall. Yeah. Like a glass... And a fridge full of Red Bull.

Starting point is 00:19:57 And perhaps like a pinball machine. And it's one of those ones that has sort of a soft porn thing as the backboard. Do you want to do your own podcast mate because I'm just not interested in this. Let's do the next segment. Now usually at this point of the show

Starting point is 00:20:13 Willy Wanker would turn up and deliver some sweets and things but he's dead. I mean no one knows yet really. They're still looking for him but no one's looking for him. The police. What are the police called? The police. Yeah, but did you see what the detective's name was? Detective Al Powell.

Starting point is 00:20:29 Al Powell. From Die Hard. He was looking for him. Right. Lieutenant, detective... I don't know, you know, because there seems to be very little... Barney Smith. ...rule of law in our universe, you know?

Starting point is 00:20:41 Well, we don't deal with the law, do we? We don't have... We used to have Jimmy Biscuits, who was a cop. That's what I'm saying, but Jimmy's been an outlaw for years. Yeah, he's been an outlaw for years. I think he's been an outlaw longer

Starting point is 00:20:51 than he's actually been a cop at this point as well. Yeah, he wasn't a very good cop, was he? So we may have to look for a police detective character and hire one to protect the podcast. Yeah. You know, as our fame skyrockets, it's important we get security. Jimmy Goon...

Starting point is 00:21:04 Jimmy Bobby Goon? What's the name of him? Tommy Goon? it's important we get security Jimmy Goon Jimmy Bobby Goon what's the name of him Tommy Goon Jimmy Goon is it Jimmy Goon you don't know I can still do him though I know but he's not

Starting point is 00:21:14 he's like he's a he's more of a bouncer yeah and we need like law I think he did do he did work for the Secret Service in the

Starting point is 00:21:21 States a bit anyway so yeah let's look into that okay what's this segment again oh yeah Willy Wanker he usually delivers the sweets Service in the States a bit. Anyway, so yeah, let's look into that. Okay. What's this segment again? Oh, yeah. Willy Wanker, he usually delivers the sweets. Is it the froth shop?

Starting point is 00:21:29 Is this the froth shop? Froth shop? Yeah, I guess it is. Right. Tingle, tingle, let's go in the froth shop. Let's go in. Tingle, tingle. Tingle, tingle.

Starting point is 00:21:36 Tingle, tingle. Hello, I'm... Hello, you're Paul. Yes, hello. Oh, should I come in? I'll come in, Paul. I'm Barnaby Sweets. No, no.

Starting point is 00:21:43 I'm Barnaby Sweets. No, you're not Barnaby Sweets. All right. I'll come in, okay? Okay. Yeah. Sweets. No, no. I'm Barnaby Sweets. No, you're not Barnaby Sweets. All right. I'll come in, okay? Okay. Yeah. Tingle, tingle. And you just be Paul, okay?

Starting point is 00:21:50 Okay. All right, but I'll come into the shop, yeah? Yeah. Tingle, tingle. No, I say that. Okay. Okay, I say the tingle, tingle. All right.

Starting point is 00:21:57 Tingle, tingle. No, just nothing, okay? All right, okay. Tingle, tingle. That's another shop customer coming in, not you. It's a different one. Tingle, tingle. Well, excuse me. Hello. Oh, don't push him out of the way. Tingle, tingle. That's another shop customer coming in, not you. It's a different one. Tingle, tingle. Well, excuse me.

Starting point is 00:22:06 Hello. Oh, don't push him out of the way. He's a valued customer. Oh, I thought it was a lady. I'm sorry, Barnaby. Please come back next time, Barnaby Sweets. Oh, kick them until they're dead. What do you want now?

Starting point is 00:22:17 You're giving me nothing. Oh, come in again. Yeah. Tingle, tingle. Tingle, tingle. Oh, hello there, Paul. Hello, Eli. I've opened up a tweet shop.

Starting point is 00:22:26 Oh, I'm looking around and it's amazing in here. Really lovely what you've done with the place. We've only just opened, so we're looking to make an impression. Isn't this where Woody Wanker used to work? It used to be, yeah. What's, is it all new stock or something? It's all new stock. I have my favourites.

Starting point is 00:22:39 We had to clean that all out because it was out of date. Has he still got cow pat fingers? No. Has he still got lamb's tongue twizzlers? No. Do you want to try again at being funny? Do you want to do it one more time? I'm not trying to be funny.

Starting point is 00:22:51 Oh, no. Maybe you should. Maybe you should make an effort. Has he got those chicken heart... We don't have any chicken fizzlers, no. No, have you got those floppy kawakas? No, we don't have any of those anymore. I used to like those.

Starting point is 00:23:03 Very chewy. Yeah. Chewy, floppy kawaka. We've got some lic't have any of those anymore. I used to like those. Very chewy. Yeah. Chewy, floppy kawaka. We've got some licorice kawaka. If you want that. Yeah, I did like that. Would you like some licorice kawaka? Can I do a quarter?

Starting point is 00:23:14 I can do you a quarter of licorice kawaka. Yes. That's so hard to say. Kawaka, kawaka. Oh, it's Fozzie Bear. I can't believe on that video I called him Fonzie.

Starting point is 00:23:25 I know. I noticed that as well called him Fonzie. I know. I noticed that as well. It's really annoying. What is wrong with our brains? They're like Swiss cheese. Luckily, only the top tier people know we're an idiot. I reckon I'm not going to make it with 50 without coming down with early onset dementia. Well, do you want to keep it fucking light this week?

Starting point is 00:23:39 Fonzie doing that. Who are you? Give me the tweets. Anyway, so. All right, Paul. So here I am in the shop. It's a nice sprucey tackiness, a newness for five yeah no i've just put some new vinyl down that's a marble counter it's a bit a little bit of money on that good so what have you got that's new i'll have

Starting point is 00:23:54 those quackers i'll have a quarter of the licorice quackers yes well that that's my ball sorry it's not me wrapping up a paper bag. What else have you got that we might be able to try in here? We have a... Get on with the segment. Thank you. We have an international segment of the shop where we have candies from...

Starting point is 00:24:14 Oh, there's a segment of the shop? Is that what you call them, segments? Yes. They're not sections of the shop? The floor plan, if you look down, is just like that of a Bat and Bird cake. So if you go to that segment, you're going to get your more licorice-y kind of candies,

Starting point is 00:24:26 the more kind of a... More licorice-y? I mean, something's either... Aniseed, licorice, something sour, anything unusual to the palate. Sour? Yes, anything unusual to the palate. Sour licorice.

Starting point is 00:24:36 So you've got a whole section of the shop devoted just to sour licorice. I have licorice and sour licorice and sour sweets. That's where the licorice calacca is. Is sour licorice a thing? No,'s where the licorice clacker is. Is sour licorice a thing? No, it's not. Anyway, that corner is chocolate. That corner is penny sweets.

Starting point is 00:24:50 And what's around here? This is the international segment. Is this milk here? There's milk as well. And lemonade. Yeah, but if you go around there, I think you'll find that chocolate's made.

Starting point is 00:25:00 That's where the chocolate's made! Chocolate's made, yeah. I said chocolate's made! I wouldn't mind, but every time we do this segment, that's what you want to do. You want to do milk, milk, lemonade, round the corner, chocolate's made. That's what the Americans like to add at the end.

Starting point is 00:25:24 Put your finger in the hole, then you pull out a Tootsie Roll. Oh. Yeah, to suggest pulling out a nuglet of droppage. Tater Tot. Could you get Tater Tot into there somehow? You probably could get a few Tater Tots in there. Sorry, that really set me off.

Starting point is 00:25:38 So we have an international segment and our... I don't know what's... We have an international segment of the shop and in there we have sweets that have been sent to us from around the world. And we have a stockist called Evan. And Evan the stockist has sent three items today for us to enjoy. For us to enjoy? But I thought I was in the shop. Aren't I trying them?

Starting point is 00:25:57 Well, you're our 100th customer today. And as a promotion, you get to try some free candy. Fantastic. Yeah. I'm up for that. Good. Good. So what would you like to start with? Chocolatey? Or do you want to go for gummy? Or do you want to try some free candy fantastic yeah i'm up for that good good so what would you like to start with chocolatey or do you want to go for gummy or do you want to go for fizzy

Starting point is 00:26:10 it's hard to explain on an audio format what i'm seeing because sometimes you're missing the nuances and in the edit i drop a few of these things out but every now and then eli puts his hand to his mouth and makes for all intents and purposes I'm a gonna be sick face and then he makes some weird throat gurgles and then I don't know if he's gonna be sick or burp and I wait it out and then he laughs like a prick just like now chocolate is my decision I like to start with something chocolatey Paul so I believe these are all from Japan these are Japanese candies and I've done a few quick translations. So I'm going to just now show you my findings.

Starting point is 00:26:49 So we're going to start with this chocolate one, aren't we? So let's have a look at that. Hang on one sec. Coffee chocolate chews of some kind. I can't get a direct translation, but there's some text along the side. And if I read it out,

Starting point is 00:27:00 it says things like, I'm just going to read it out, Eli. I'm not going to tell you. I don't know what it means. But these are meant to be kind of exclamations of, oh, this is a good product, right? That's what it's trying to go for. This is the translation. Okay.

Starting point is 00:27:11 So one just says, Nanban Arrival, which I don't know what that means. This is all from Google Translate, by the way. The other one says, Charcoal Grilled Beans. All right, that's a bit more sensical. I've never heard of that, though. I guess it means roasted coffee beans. Roasted using charcoal. Delicious aroma.

Starting point is 00:27:29 Best quality. Best quality. And then the last one is top-notch Western romance, which sounds like an 80s New Wave Romantic. Very strange. Top-notch Western romance. Now, what? The cold wall is making me dance.

Starting point is 00:27:45 Top-notch. Top-notch Western romance. The cold wall is making me dance. Top notch western romance. I saw her on the Berlin Wall. She had her skirts on. I looked up. I looked up at my top notch western romance. Old school computer readout. My top

Starting point is 00:28:02 notch western romance. And then, I don't know if the translation went wrong but very briefly when i was scanning this one of those symbols said the word crap but i don't believe that was a correct translation so it's a little white packet she's my 18 lady with a mini skirt on she likes top-notch western romance i'm gonna politely ask you to stop and move on. So we have... There's individually wrapped chocolate sweets inside this big plastic bag. And on the front, there's a cover of a little lady

Starting point is 00:28:33 and she's holding an umbrella. And I don't know what it's meant to infer. She spat in my face and said, do you like to dance? A top-notch Western romance. Western romance. Oh, yeah. I took her to Berlin. I took her to Berlin.

Starting point is 00:28:46 I took her to France. It was a top notch western romance. She said I'm a cowboy on the synthesized spunk. Alright, stop going off on your own fucking podcast. Fuck me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Right, he's had a huff

Starting point is 00:29:04 of the bag. What was your initial feeling? Do you know that smell of Revels? That artificial coffee smell? Oh, yeah. Let's have a snuff. See if you agree, because they are all wrapped individually. Oh. What are your feelings about the mixture of those two very famous flavours,

Starting point is 00:29:19 chocolate and coffee, Paul? Quite a popular one with me. I like it. You like a mocha? In the right mix. It's delicious. Sometimes I feel for a like it. You like a mocha? In the right mix. It's delicious. Sometimes I feel for a mocha. I feel for mocha.

Starting point is 00:29:29 I think I want to choke you. Oh, God. These are called, hang on, let me get this right, Sumiyaki Coffee Candy, these are called. All right, so here's one for you. Okay, so you like,

Starting point is 00:29:39 but these are, is there chocolate anywhere in the description? Because the translation is a little bit rough, I don't know exactly what it is. I don't think... I'm only getting coffee from the smell.

Starting point is 00:29:47 What if it's a coffee chocolate-covered coffee bean? I'm up for that. I'm up for that. Oh, it looks like a little M&M. It looks like a boiled sweet. A brown boiled sweet. It's a nice coffee smell, though, to it. I will say that.

Starting point is 00:29:58 I don't think it's an artificial sort of coffee smell. No. It smells quite natural. To you, does it? Yeah. No, to me, it smells of that artificial that revels artificial coffee flavor okay anyway let's masticate interesting they are you know what they're under sweetened compared to something very under sweetened they feel like an espresso

Starting point is 00:30:15 coffee that's been turned into a boiled sweet yeah they have a real a real coffee bitterness i like them a lot yeah they must have caffeine in i You think they've got actual sort of... I don't know. But you were actually right. Although I thought there was an artificial coffee flavour on the nose, when you do get it in your gob and you suck it down a bit, it works. Well, it does taste more like actual coffee. Yeah. It's a strange in terms of texture and flavour together

Starting point is 00:30:42 because you expect one to be just a drink and the other one's the boiled sweet. But there's no sweetness like a boiled sweet would be. It's under-sweet. It's hard to describe. It's not very sugary. There is a sweetness there. Definitely. But I'd say it's not like a boiled sweet.

Starting point is 00:30:54 It's low in the profile. The bitterness from the coffee is stronger in the mix than the sugar. Yeah. Yeah, I like them. Maybe that gets more and more bitter as you get into it as well. Maybe. Maybe there's some evolution. I'll report back on that. Yeah, I like them. Maybe that gets more and more bitter as you get into it as well. Maybe there's some evolution.

Starting point is 00:31:07 I'll report back on that. Yeah, we'll report back on that. Not today. Because it would have been a long, hard suck to get to the middle of those. We don't have the time, do we, to have a good, long suck right now. No.

Starting point is 00:31:17 Next item. Really? Don't we give it a score? Oh, yeah. Let's do the old binary thing, this, all that. So, is it sweet? Is it a treat?

Starting point is 00:31:27 Or is it feet? For me, it's a treat. Yeah. I think it's a treat. I'm going to give it a B plus rating on my sweeter meter. It's hard for me to say after I only had a short sup at the cauldron. This could go down or up depending on how it ends. I'm hoping for something a bit more exciting for our second item

Starting point is 00:31:48 I actually have to say, Paul. Oh, well, I'll try me best. I think it's an exciting snack. It's different. You know, the Japanese, as they are with a lot of things that aren't exactly traditional to their culture, which I believe coffee isn't. Okay, I don't know. I think coffee was introduced

Starting point is 00:32:04 at some point. Who knows. Okay, I don't know. I think coffee was introduced. Yeah, when the. At some point. Who knows, though? I don't know for sure. But all I'm saying is they have a way of doing things meticulously and sort of doing them better. Like their lager or their Scotch whiskey, for example. Right.

Starting point is 00:32:17 Their Scotch whiskey is now winning best in the world awards. Right. And so is Indian Scotch. All I'm saying is they have this way of perfecting and there's this... The latest import is this gourmet coffee place. Right. Do you want to go there? No.

Starting point is 00:32:33 We'd get a coffee. I'm bored of you. Oh, I thought you meant to talk about it. But no, we can go there. Yeah, let's go there. I thought you meant we're going to go there. You want to go there, girlfriend? No, I'm not going to go there. But we're going to go there. And have a coffee. But we're're going to go there. As in, you're going to go there, girlfriend? No, I'm not going to go there. But we're going to go there. And have a coffee.

Starting point is 00:32:47 But we're not going to go there. We're not going to go there on it. Don't go there, girlfriend. Right. So the next item. Egg, egg, egg, egg. It's a gummy egg. It's just a big fried gummy egg.

Starting point is 00:32:58 Big fucking fried gummy fucking egg. But there was a bit of play to it because you get a little plastic frying pan. There's a whole thing to this where you get, look, a little plastic frying pan. And it says with it, you sprinkle some shit in the pan in a sachet. Where's the sachet? I'm looking for it now. Here you are. Oh, look.

Starting point is 00:33:14 Give it here. There's a little fork. There's a little fork. And some sachet and strawberry syrup. We need to prepare this. Give it here. An orange flavour sherbet or something. Yes, now you sprinkle it on top.

Starting point is 00:33:26 Hang on, here, there's the frying pan for you, look. This is a bit like that, this is, yes, like that, these kind of weird toy foods that they do. Do you know that burger that you build out of paste? Yes. You put a bit like that, isn't it? And you put the gummies in for the lettuce or whatever. I did take, so it says how to make cracking fried. Okay.

Starting point is 00:33:43 Egg jelly. Use scissors to slowly open the lid of the jelly. So that means to open the bag. Place two bags of Crackle Candy in the pan. So they're the orange service. I've got a mini version of this that I was going to bring over today, but I forgot that I found in the shop near me. Oh, well.

Starting point is 00:33:55 Which is about half the size. That does involve popping candy as well. Oh, that's what Crackle Candy. I didn't think about that, yeah. So it must be the same brand. What's the brand on this? SSB Candies. I, that's what Crackle Candy is. I didn't think about that, yeah. So it must be the same brand. What's the brand on this? SSB Candies. I don't know what to tell you about that.

Starting point is 00:34:09 So what, I put those in the bottom of the pan, do I? The Crackle Candy? So place two bags of Crackle Candy in the pan. So there's a little plastic frying pan, and you just sprinkle that Popping Candy, the two packets, onto the bottom of the pan. Eli's doing that now. Right, he's pouring in the candy now.

Starting point is 00:34:24 There you go. Popping candy. Both bags, eh? Both bags, it says here. But how are we going to eat it? Well, I'm telling you stage by stage, aren't I? You have to use the miniature knife and fork that I want to keep because they're very cute. You can have them full stop.

Starting point is 00:34:36 It's fine. Right. So both bags are in the bottom of the pan. Do you want to spread it out? Is it all evenly spread? Use this miniature fork to spread it out. He's going to spread his candy crackle all over the pan. Do you want to spread it out? Is it all evenly spread? He's going to spread his candy crackle all over the pan. Right, good.

Starting point is 00:34:50 Step two, gently spread your jelly over the crackling. That's what it says here. Excuse me, love. Do you mind if I spread my jelly all over your crackling? So here's the egg. Oh, me crackling's all soggy from your jelly. Oh, you've left me in a right state of Miss Vicky's crisps.

Starting point is 00:35:10 No, me crackling's all cracked and posse from the jelly pus, pus, splatter. Oh, I've got Miss Vicky's crisps. Oh, there we go. Call back. So now it says. No, does this jelly? No. Where's the jelly goes?

Starting point is 00:35:21 I'm telling you now, you spread your jelly over the crackling egg. How do I spread this? It's an egg. It just means put the egg on top. It's a solid egg, ladies and gentlemen spread your jelly over the crackling egg. How do I spread this? It's an egg. It just means put the egg on top. It's a solid egg, ladies and gentlemen. It's a solid gummy fried egg. It's life-size. I mean, yeah, it's as...

Starting point is 00:35:32 So don't imagine the ones you get in the Odeon cinemas. Not those tiny ones. No, this is a proper, decently-sized gummy egg. How does it work, though? Oh, I've got to... I'm peeling it back now. Ooh! Oh. So you place it, obviously, yolk up in the pan.

Starting point is 00:35:47 What? Have you cut yourself? There's water on it. Really? It's suspended. It's got some moisture. Yeah. Oh.

Starting point is 00:35:54 I've got a splash on my fingers. You've got a little splash of jelly over your crackling. It's damp. It's very damp. Feel that. Hang on. Oh. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:36:01 That's way more. That's what I mean by spread. It might be quite sloppy, this egg. Well, that explains why you get a knife and fork for it then, I guess. How do we do this, though? Just tip it upside down so the yolks yoke up. So the white layer is down. And then press it right.

Starting point is 00:36:13 He's pressing the egg now down into the pan. And now you've got to get it out of its plastic case. Maybe you should have gotten the egg out first, mate. Oh, squeeze that egg out. It's really wet. It's really like a real egg. Oh, I can hear it popping. Hold it to the mic. Hold it to the mic, mate. Squeeze that egg out. It's really wet. It's really like a real egg. Oh, I can hear it popping. Hold it to the mic. Hold it to the mic, quick. Hold it to the mic. The yolk is

Starting point is 00:36:32 swimming free. This is the craziest thing. It's like it's cooking. It's like it's cooking in the pan, Paul. Oh, that's what it's doing. I'm frying an egg, mate. Now pour the strawberry sauce over pour this jelly sauce the strawberry sauce over the jelly pour the strawberry sauce right on and then it literally says after that

Starting point is 00:36:51 crackling fried egg lee is complete and so then you use a knife and fork to eat it out the pan oh it's cooking away you know what that's a really clever little trick that's why the egg is wet i guess to set off the reaction of course yes but it's a novel use of cracking popping candy popping crackling popping crackling do you know it was banned

Starting point is 00:37:09 for years cracking candy no I didn't know that popping candy was banned because there was this myth going around that if you took it and you took a sip of cola

Starting point is 00:37:16 oh it would erupt it would explode your stomach yeah I mean they did ban it yeah probably wasn't good for you but at the same time it probably didn't kill you yeah it didn't do that

Starting point is 00:37:23 I mean I don't know maybe there are cases of kids dying of popping candy. But in that case, I feel like they'd fall into a vat of it and be absorbed and be death by a thousand popping candy pops. And maybe they'd be a villain. The popping candy kid. Good, I like this voice. That's all I'm doing.

Starting point is 00:37:37 Right, I'm spreading the muck. Spread that strawberry muck on the egg. Oh, it's like ketchup. It's like chili sauce, isn't it? I guess, or maybe ketchup. I'm putting an even spread on there. All right, good. Squeeze your jam out.

Starting point is 00:37:48 Squeezing the jam evenly. Squeeze the jam out. Fucking jam coming out. Get that jam out. Put that jammy arrow. In my arse. Put your jammy arrow. That's actually quite gross.

Starting point is 00:38:01 This segment's too long. I'm bored now. We have to eat this egg And we have to do a third item Hurry up then It's 23 minutes Just enjoy it Are you ready to taste this egg?

Starting point is 00:38:11 Yes Oh, the yolk slides about on the top In a really unsettling manner In an unrealistic way Yeah I mean, maybe that's just I can't blame him It's still fizzing

Starting point is 00:38:20 A nasty treat I'll try to get some yolk in Alright, eat it He's eating it. His mouth is in a downward trajectory. What's it taste like though? Here, it's fine. I didn't put that in my mouth. Use the mini thing. Get a bit on

Starting point is 00:38:33 the fork, mate. I'm trying to, but it's the wettest fucking candy. It's wet, but yeah, there you go. It all tastes of peach gummy. Yeah, but I think the texture... Talking to the mic, otherwise your gold is lost. The texture is much more like it's floppy and wet. It's that coconut water

Starting point is 00:38:50 when it goes hard. Cafe Donato. Yeah, it's got that kind of consistency. It's got a very kind of... Remember that jelly tea we drank years and years and years and years ago?

Starting point is 00:38:58 The green jelly tea or whatever. It's not great, is it? It's more... You know what? It's a lot of fun, but it's... It's not stopped popping

Starting point is 00:39:04 the whole bloody time, mate. It's just one of these snacks that I think is fun to kind of conceptually play with, but a fucking pain in the arse to actually eat. Yeah, I mean, it's for kids. But there was a bit of fizz there, and there was a little bit of... The strawberry was there. It's not... It's a bit of fun.

Starting point is 00:39:17 What's the third item? Are we going to give that a score? It's hard to score something like that, isn't it? I would probably give that a C+. Fun idea, but there's not much there flavour profile-wise. It's not very nice when you get end of the day. Fun while you set it up, though. Yeah, no, it was fun to play with, and that's the main thing.

Starting point is 00:39:34 Right, where's my... Hang on. Give me two seconds. All right, two seconds. Starting now. I just said give me two seconds as I was talking no shut up stop it

Starting point is 00:39:49 ok Google stop it but I didn't even say ok Google please give me a two second thing or whatever did I I don't know

Starting point is 00:39:57 but I found these results I'm not talking to you turn it off I can't turn it off it's always listening Google play a fart noise this is a fart noise.

Starting point is 00:40:06 This is a fart. Wow. We're going to be out of a job, man. We're out of a job. AI Cheap Show podcast. That's quite scary. Anyway. That's quite scary.

Starting point is 00:40:24 The last item today in my lovely candy shop is called Demon Tongue Sugar, according to the translation. I bet it's another form of popping candy. And then it says, what you eat, next to some big kind of Rolling Stones-type lips on the cover. Disembodied mouth. By a company called, I think it's called Ginital. I don't know. Ginital?

Starting point is 00:40:39 I bet it's popping candy. We're going to find... Oh. What's the smell saying? Weirdly creamy. Creamy smell. smell oh it's vampire teeth in here that's another toy what's this oh what is this tongue so it's a pair of like tiny dracula teeth like you get at a joke shop with a big long fizzy tongue all right shall i do it

Starting point is 00:41:02 i'm gonna break the tongue and off we can share it oh it's I'm going to break the tongue in half and we can share it. Oh, it's all got the taste buds, all knobbly taste buds, Paul, on it. It's weird. It looks more like a strip of bacon with a lot of fat on. It's a bit knobbly. Here you go, Eli. You can have the big, thick tongue end and I'll have the other end. There you go.

Starting point is 00:41:20 Shall I do the teeth? You can put the tiny teeth in. You look like little Eddie Monster from the Monsters. Yeah. I don't like that. There's nothing to it, and I don't like it. It tastes cheap. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:41:34 And fake, and vaguely... Milky. Milky, yeah. Like one of those milk sweet chews. But bad quality, you're right. Oh, that's a letdown. Is there nothing in this? Because it says, like, demon tongue or whatever it's called.

Starting point is 00:41:46 That is a demon tongue. I thought it might have been fizzy or sour. Something like, you know, was devilish. No, it's just a sort of horror toy with sweet. You get a tiny little

Starting point is 00:41:54 fake Dracula mouth in it. There's all sorts of stuff like this, even in Britain, but not like those. That's a D for me. There's nothing. The shocking surprise

Starting point is 00:42:02 of the physical thing gives it a D+. I mean, the egg is much funner to... And actually has a flavour. And the coffee thing was tasty. What was your favourite of all of them to date? I mean, in terms of an actual product I might actually enjoy going forward, it would have to be the coffee.

Starting point is 00:42:21 Yeah, the coffee one. Do you want to take a few home with you tonight? Yes. Yes, okay, good. Well, sir, it's time for me to close my shop up now. Well, it's only just opened. it would have to be the coffee yeah the coffee one do you want to take a few home with you tonight yes okay good well sir it's time for me to close my shop up now well it's only just opened well we've only got a license to be open a few hours of the day

Starting point is 00:42:32 a few minutes well yeah half an hour really now and now there's another shop going to come in and just take over there's a shop going to come in this shop there's another shop going to come in there's a shop going to come in this shop yeah yeah

Starting point is 00:42:40 what a little mini shop comes in the shop yeah a little mini shop it's like a pop-up shop so it literally comes in and it pops up. And what does it sell? I don't know at the moment, but the company's called Fatatis Makingos. Ah, Fatatis Makingos.

Starting point is 00:42:51 Yeah, I think they're one of those Dutch kind of like flying tiger kind of thing. They do cruises. They do cursors. They do a little bit of everything. They do like calendar layouts. They do like... I think it's a haberdashery shop.

Starting point is 00:43:03 No, they do cruises. They do calendar layouts. They do like... I think it's a haberdashery shop. No, they do cruises. They do calendar layouts. They do cupboards. They do like when you go up a tree. Yeah, they do like when you go up a tree, Eli. They go up a tree.

Starting point is 00:43:14 This egg won't shut up! This egg won't shut up! Is that it? Is that how you want to end? By you just saying this egg won't shut up? What are they called? M'fingers g'dengus?

Starting point is 00:43:23 I don't know. It was a really bad idea that I shouldn't have said and I regret it. Is a shop coming shopping here? And then does a shop go in that shop? Yes. Is it shops all the way down?

Starting point is 00:43:31 It shops all the way in. All the way into infinity? Yeah. Until the middle shop is the outer shop and the loop continues in a recursive manner. In a big round shop infinity.

Starting point is 00:43:45 We'll see you next time. Ka-ching, ka-ching, tingle, tingle. No, it's soundtrack time. Sound effect time. All right, go on then. No, you're going to press the button. Oh, yeah, I forgot I had that in. Ma-chingus, ma-gingus.

Starting point is 00:43:55 Ma-chingus, ma-gingus. Bring your sound. I wasn't recording. I wasn't recording because I thought the camera was recording, so they're going to get a bit of extra. Right. We have to start again. Oh, no.

Starting point is 00:44:10 Oh, no. It's good I've got an idea what to do now. All right. Okay, good. That was a warm-up for you. All right. Ready to go? Go.

Starting point is 00:44:18 Oh, mother! It's a noodle pot coming down from the sky! Oh, no! It's a noodle pot coming down from the sky. Noodles. Pot. Oh, mother. It's a noodle pot blitz. I haven't got a clue what to chew.

Starting point is 00:44:40 Noodle pot blitz. Noodle pot blitz. Noodle pot blitz. Mother. Very good. Now, I've been won over by your mother. it's good that isn't it mother noodle pot blitz mother now explain explain to everyone what noodle pop blitz noodles of plop shits is a segment that's what happens if you do if you do the noodle blitz too quickly you have oodles of plop shits. Plop shits. And it comes out like noodles.

Starting point is 00:45:05 It comes out like little stringlets. Have you ever had a shit that was stringy like that? Yeah, but there's a good reason for it. My string vest was too long. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da comes out like spaghetti. So he drops his trousers and the doctor gets his scissors out and the guy goes, oh, what are you going to do? Oh, the doctor goes, I'm just going to cut six inches off the bottom of your string vest. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Starting point is 00:45:31 As if to say the mesh of the vest. It comes through like an egg. Play-dohed it. Yeah, play-dohed it out. It'd have to be quite a strong consistency. Yes, you could use a mesh. What if he had a mesh vest on?

Starting point is 00:45:42 What if he had a chain mail? Chain mail. Reset the joke in the medieval times. All if he had a mesh vest on? What if he had a chain mail? Chain mail. Reset the joke in the medieval times. Alright, so a knight walks in to Clippity cloppity clippity clop. I say good stout yeoman of the physic. Yes, what would that be?

Starting point is 00:45:56 I would be a medicine magician. Of the physic. I say stout yeoman of the physic. I'm Sir Bumalot. Sir Bumalot. Sir Bumalot. Okay. I say, I say, good physic.

Starting point is 00:46:11 I'm off the table, Sir Bumalot. I say good physic. I've had a problem with the passing of the stools. They've come out very much like the hair of an angel. Let me investigate. Okay, having a rummage down there.

Starting point is 00:46:28 Clinkety clank. I must get out my sabre thus. Why? Why's that? So I can chop off the bottom six inches of your chainmail, sire. Da da da da da da. Mama!

Starting point is 00:46:43 Mama! Noodlepot Blitz! Right, let's get back onto Mama! Mama! Noodle Pot Blitz. Right, let's get back onto the horse of the Noodle Pot Blitz. We have three noodles today. And we're going to blitz through them. We're going to give you a little rundown of what they are. Then we're going to go prepare the noodles, Paul. Yes.

Starting point is 00:46:58 By pouring hot water on. Maybe some sachets. The sachet rundown will be in this section. Sachet away. Sachet away. Right. And then we will taste in this section. Sachet away. Sachet away. Right. And then we will taste them and we'll let you know what's going on. So if you'd like to introduce the first noodle in today's Noodle Pot Blitz, please pull.

Starting point is 00:47:13 Well, a few weeks ago, you may remember that we were given a no-name chicken flavour instant noodle soup. And we're just going to go ahead and see what it's like. Bare bones, no frills. What is it? What's it taste like? What are you getting for your money? It's probably going to be fine, but it just made me feel like there's so many different brands,

Starting point is 00:47:31 but they're exactly the same product. That basic chicken pot noodle. Do you think there's like a base chicken recipe soup mix? There must be one huge factory in China somewhere that just makes it for every single person who wants a very standard pot. Yes. You know? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:47:46 This is my theory, but... There's like a thousand chickens being pushed into this machine and coming out of dust on the other end. I don't think they use real chicken. No, of course they don't. So my guess is this is going to taste indistinguishable from the one we had in the last Noodle Pot Blitz, which was just a basic... Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Starting point is 00:48:01 That was alright though, wasn't it? It was alright and I reckon this will taste the same and be all right. But it just makes me think, where are they all coming from, this generic chicken noodle thing? And are they a big seller then? Because they're so basic. It's like, you know,

Starting point is 00:48:15 it's the mash and peas of a noodle meal kind of thing. It's crazy. So that's our first one. It's Canadian. I can't remember when we got this now because it was a long time ago, but this is called Energy. And it is, I have to regard the light,

Starting point is 00:48:28 product name, Vegetarian Beef Noodle Soup. That's what it says on here. So it's going to be a beef, an artificial beef flavour. Yeah. Vegetarian beef flavour. Suggesting the beef itself is a vegetarian.

Starting point is 00:48:41 No, that'd be vegetarian cow flavour. Actually, judging by this date, it was only three weeks ago. You should have eaten it last December. Okay, so it be vegetarian cow flavour. Actually, judging by this date, it was only three weeks ago. You should have eaten it last December. Okay, so it won't be that stale, hopefully. It won't be full of bugs and mould. Like the wrap one we tasted last time, which was very cardboardy. And it had a bit of the rot in it, didn't it?

Starting point is 00:48:57 It had a lot of the... He knows where I'm going. A lot of rot! A lot of rot! Not a lot, but a lot of rot! Oh, Debbie. A lot of rot. A lot of rot. Not a lot, but a lot of rot. Oh, Debbie. A lot of rot. Debbie, close your legs.

Starting point is 00:49:10 Your muff's a rot. Debbie, close your eggs. Your muff's a lot of rot. Thanks for articulating that for me. Oh, Martin. Martin Daniels, my son. You'll never be a magician. Never.

Starting point is 00:49:24 Really? I am the king magician. Did you not You'll never be a magician. Never. Really? I am the king magician. Did he not want him to be a magician? I think on one of those Stuart Millard videos, he talks about how on one of the Royal Variety performances, his son, Martin Daniels, does some magic tricks with him on stage. And yet a year or two before, on a Saturday morning breakfast show, he says no one else in his family does magic, only him.

Starting point is 00:49:42 Martin, you can't follow in my footsteps. I am Paul Daniels and I am the only magician in this house. But he didn't, did he? Because Martin Daniels is... No, I don't know. Maybe he's doing cruise ships or putt butlins or something. Perhaps he did his... A lot of the time in that kind of area of showbiz,

Starting point is 00:49:57 people inherit their acts. Like Sooty, for example. Yes, was passed down the Corbett line. I know that's not magic, but you know that old school sort of variety style performance? Hand-me-down kind of careers, almost. Yeah, but you think Paul was too much of a big head for that. He said, now, Martin, you're not going to do magic anymore, are you?

Starting point is 00:50:15 Say yes, Paul. I don't... I really want to do magic, Dad. Say yes, Paul. Hey, Debbie, close your legs. Your muffs will rot a lot. You have your own fun over there, mate. You could have all the fun you want over there.

Starting point is 00:50:28 Fuck's sake. So anyway, this comes in a tub that looks like an energy drink with an anime-style character on it. This is funny because, yes, it's trying to appeal to fans of manga. And energy drinks. And energy drinks. It's like a silver and blue. It says energy, so energy drinks are huge, aren't they?

Starting point is 00:50:46 So, I mean, depends on the size of the can. And also, Paul, all food provides energy unless it's zero sugar or something. Yeah. So it's not lying, is it? It's not true. Food is energy. Calories represent energy. That's quite literally what it is.

Starting point is 00:50:58 Life is energy. No energy ever really dissipates. It goes out and it transforms into something else, into the cosmos. Hmm. And the third noodle, into the cosmos. Hmm. And the third noodle, this is the big item. This is the showstopper that people were raving at us online

Starting point is 00:51:12 to get our hands on. And I did. Got it. I went to Morrison's. I found it on a shelf. It was one pound. It is a pot noodle, a brand we've dealt with on the past,

Starting point is 00:51:19 even recently on Christmas. Doner kebab flavour and hot sauce, it says on here. Oh, it's going to have a sachet. That's their little gimmick, isn't it, Pop Noodles? And it says on the side in a neon style light,

Starting point is 00:51:30 it says open 24 hours, which is coincidentally exactly what your anus will be like when you've eaten this. It'll be open 24 hours. I doubt it. Job done in four minutes,

Starting point is 00:51:39 it says on the pot. Job done, Eli. Job done. You voted, we delivered. The only real question left, how hot are you you so people were given the option to come up with a new flavor pot noodle and this country went donna kebab okay fair enough you know why i think fair enough why what are you expecting flavor profile wise from that then um what is a donna kebab to the layman if you a layman went into a place where i'll have a doner kebab please what

Starting point is 00:52:05 would they probably get as far as i was aware the doner kebab was invented by a turkish gentleman in germany right okay okay um the modern form or what we call the elephant's leg right which is it is a huge chunk of meat that is prepared with breadcrumbs and other things. Like my penis is prepared with breadcrumbs as well. Herbs, and it's all mixed together like a big cylindrical hamburger. Right. But very, very smooth. Yes.

Starting point is 00:52:38 Like there's no chunks of meat. It's very smooth. It's what some people refer to as foam meat. Yes, and you slice it, don't you? And they slice it. It's on a big rotating grill thing. So the doner is the meat, and the kebab is just the element of a kebab.

Starting point is 00:52:53 I think kebab just means any kind of meat thing. No, I think kebab comes from a skewer. I think that word comes from skewer. But there were, of course, things in the Middle East known as shawamas. Yes, okay. Which is layered pieces of actual meat layered on top of each other on a spit. And then that rotates.

Starting point is 00:53:10 Yeah. So I don't know. I think that predates. I think donna itself actually refers to the mixture of the meat. The foam meat thing. The particular ingredients involved in that particular serving. Have I told you I possess a copy, Paul? Of?

Starting point is 00:53:26 The earliest known photograph of a doner kebab. Yes, you've shown me that when I was with you last week. Send me the picture and I'll put it up on our website. But yes, it's like, when was it taken, that picture? I think 1885. Yeah. So that's a shawarma. You can see it's not one mass.

Starting point is 00:53:40 Okay, but flavour profile. What do you think is going to be in that pot noodle then? Are we expecting like a mint sauce in it? Are we expecting like a kind of... Lamb. There's a lambiness, isn't there? Okay. Or a sort of umami.

Starting point is 00:53:50 Right. What I like about Donner is a sort of umaminess. Salty. I'm expecting salty, sort of a general meaty umaminess. Okay. Do you want to sniff the insides now before we go and prepare it in the kitchen? Yeah, sure. Have a sniff of that

Starting point is 00:54:05 just to give because those two are just noodles noodles news but let's have a sniff of that to see if we can have a little get a teaser for what's to come and basically why i think this isn't a bad idea for a flavor for a pot noodle is because it's not the taste of a sort of pure meat it's not like a steak yes you're not sausage. Because a doner itself is very artificial, very synthesised, if you know what I'm saying. Yes. It's very much

Starting point is 00:54:28 a put together. Yes. Just the way perhaps someone could put the powders in a noodle together, Paul. Yes. Have a hoof now. What are you getting?

Starting point is 00:54:37 It's almost like a curry smell. Can I have a hoof, please? You'll know what I mean. There's a chip shop curry, but it's a little bit of bitterer on the nose. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're right. No, what is it? There's a chip shop curry, but it's a little bit of bitterer on the nose. Oh yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:54:45 It's sort of, yeah, you're right. No, what is it? It's, it's a sort of cheap chili, like a Mexicano style chilies,

Starting point is 00:54:50 like Doritos chili heat wave. It is chip shop curry, but with a, with a yeah, heat wave chili after thing. Oh, this will be interesting. And you get a hot sauce in.

Starting point is 00:54:59 Yeah. The gimmick with pot noodles is that they always have a sort of sachet, a different sachet. Full on doner. But what they do, which is unique to Britain, really, is they put the... No, you know what?

Starting point is 00:55:12 Who else does it? The Koreans. In what respect? They'll put some flavour and bits of veg in the actual noodle. To give it a bit more texture. In Koreans, the soup powder isn't already on the noodle. You have to put that in the sachet. Do you see what I'm getting at? On the lid it says't already on the noodle. You have to put that in in the sachet. Do you see what I'm getting at?

Starting point is 00:55:26 On the lid it says, full on doner, no sauce packet, add a kick, half sauce packet, spice fiend, whole sauce packet. We'll be the judge of that

Starting point is 00:55:36 and do you know what we'll judge? We'll judge it to be weak as shit. Try it before you spice it. No, they're trying to warn you off. They're trying to say,

Starting point is 00:55:43 they're trying to give it a mystique of being really spicy, but it's not. And it's vegan, to warn you off. They're trying to say, they're trying to give it a mystique of being really spicy, but it's not. And it's vegan, so there you go. Shall we put the whole of the chilli sauce in?

Starting point is 00:55:51 I think we should stir it, settle it, taste it, and then add it once we've tasted it as it is, yeah? Alright, fair enough.

Starting point is 00:55:57 I think that's scientifically astute. To the kitchen, where we shall prepare these noodle pot blitzers for you. Oh, mother, no! Well, we're back from the makeshift country urban noodle kitchen,

Starting point is 00:56:25 Haunted House on the Harrow Hill Edition, and we have three pot noodles. But before we go any further, Eli, tell us what happened when we opened up the energy box. Oh, mother! Crazy noodles! We're all noodles now! Yes, Paul, when we opened up the energy one, right, which is the vegetarian beef flavour, the anime character is a cow.

Starting point is 00:56:48 He's a bull. Oh, it's a cow bull. But doesn't it have like a kitty nose? It's a bull child. Oh, bless the bull child. Oh, bless the bull child. No, don't. What?

Starting point is 00:56:58 Don't start. That's the bull child. That sounds like Big Daddy Yeti, or whatever he's called. Big Daddy Yeti was a one-off. He wasn't called Big Daddy Yeti, either. Big Daddy Bigfoot Big Daddy Yeti was a one-off stunner. He wasn't called Big Daddy Yeti either. Big Daddy Bigfoot. Big Daddy Bigfoot. But he was a one-off.

Starting point is 00:57:09 He's not coming back. Ever? He popped down. Probably coming back at some point when I get desperate and I need attention. The energy, so-called energy, vegetarian beef-flavoured pot noodle had not one, Paul.

Starting point is 00:57:21 Not one. One, we expected. One sachet is normal. One, we were expecting that. Two sachets. Two. Normal. Usually, very usual.

Starting point is 00:57:29 We like it, don't we? It's all right. Two sachets. Two sachets, a lot of fun. You know what? For me, Paul, two sachets, perfect sachet proportion. Amount, yeah. Two sachets, sorted.

Starting point is 00:57:37 I need one, a dry sachet, soup base, and a wet. Dry and wet. It's like yin and yang. It's the two halves that make up the whole, the completeness of a tasty noodle treat. And three. Three sachets.

Starting point is 00:57:49 Three's alright. Three's alright. You've got to justify your third one. You're looking. You're with three. You're there.

Starting point is 00:57:58 You're happy with two. You're with three. Three's a Brucey bonus, isn't it? It's a bit of a Brucey bonus. It's a bit of a

Starting point is 00:58:03 Brucey bonus. What about four? Four. What's going on here? What's going on? Who's going isn't it? It's a bit of a Brucey bonus. It's a bit of a Brucey bonus. What about four? Four. What's going on here? What's going on? Who's going to need four? Who's Mr. Big Potatoes with his four sachets? What is this?

Starting point is 00:58:12 Hot cuisine? I think not. It's a fucking noodle, mate. Why do you need four sachets? It wasn't four. Five? Are you absolutely bonkers? Five is madness.

Starting point is 00:58:22 Five, you crazy man. Five, we would have drawn the line. But no, this had six sachets in. Oh, mother. All right, can we stop with the mother? Because I do have neighbours, and I don't want them to think that there's something violent going on in here.

Starting point is 00:58:36 Oh, mother. Six sachets, I've got a noodle bonkers. Right, good. So we put six sachets in. There were six sachets in there, Paul. It was like one had meaty bits in, one had... Artificial meaty bits. Meaty bits.

Starting point is 00:58:50 Two with sort of dried veg. One which was green dried veg and one which was more traditional mushrooms, I think. Yeah, something like that. Then there was a sticky fecal pad. Like a kind of stock cube kind of thing. It looked like a squashed out paste. Yes. Paste is the word. And then there was like a hot sauce chili cube kind of thing. A very wet stock cube. Squashed out a paste. Yes. Paste is the word.

Starting point is 00:59:05 And then there was like a hot sauce chili dribble thing. Yeah. As well as a basic powdery thing. Powder soup base. Cray cray. A nutty amount of sachets. I've never seen it's like. Cray cray.

Starting point is 00:59:15 I've never seen it's like in a similar noodle pool. I could only say to myself, Oh mother. Shh. Mother. I can't believe it. Mother. It's a noodle Shh. Mother. I can't believe it. Mother. It's a noodle pot.

Starting point is 00:59:28 It's mother. Any surprises with any of the other noodles? No. No. Okay, let's get on with the tasting. Which one do you want

Starting point is 00:59:33 to start with? Well, let's start in the order that we introduced them to everyone. Firstly, no-name chicken. Sent to us by Matt.

Starting point is 00:59:39 Thank you, Matt, from Canada. This is completion of your pack. And these are all traditionally prepared. Pour the water in. Stir it up. I'm going to have to use this these are all traditionally prepared. Pour the water in. Stir it up.

Starting point is 00:59:46 I'm going to have to use this. Oh, I thought I brought another fork in. Okay, sorry. Yeah, use that one then. I'm just going to use this one. So I'm just going to get this little chicken no name. What's the nose on it? Chicken.

Starting point is 00:59:54 Standard. Standard, nondescript chicken. I'm going to have some broth. It's pleasing. You know what it is? Salty. Yeah. It's not remarkable, but on a budget,

Starting point is 01:00:07 it's very, very agreeable. And it could take a massive amount of pimping in all sorts of directions you can take it up down left right inside out you can do anything spring onions little bits of chopped up salami little bits of chopped up fish anything you have corner shot corner chons you can put corner chons in there i mean that is some heavy pimpage, which I haven't even gone. I've never put a... I've never... Do you know that? Have you never...

Starting point is 01:00:28 I've never put a pickle in my pot noodle. Well, there's always a first time for everything. Maybe you should do it in the future. Pickle pot blitz. That's perfectly good. Those noodles are actually better than I thought they'd be. They're not wet and thin. They have a little bit of texture to them,

Starting point is 01:00:42 which means the flavour grips to them and it's just nice. Which isn't as standard as we thought. No thought no there's a bit of a surprise there that is a bit better but if that's what 60 cents or whatever the yet it's great quality let's see if you got some veg in the fridge that you can throw in and do something with perfectly fine uh noodle that's actually very nice yeah well done no name chicken. Because it's better than your generic one. Yeah. Ironically, it's better than just a no-name noodle. How funny.

Starting point is 01:01:09 Yeah, you're probably right with that. That's what I'm saying. Right, so next we're going to do... No, we're doing energy next. This six-pack behemoth. I'll let you crack into the energy one first. Now, it did say, when you tried to translate the directions, it did seem to be saying that you took the whole lot out

Starting point is 01:01:23 and cooked it in a pan. Boil it in a pan for five minutes, add the thing then drain it out that's against the very nature of a pot noodle and a blitz you know we so we've done we've prepared it in a way where we just put put everything in there because the noodle was quite thin it was like angel hair or it was wasn't it almost it's a very thin noodle and it looks like the kind of noodle that will cook by steepage well we we've assumed that. Yeah. Like a good tea bag, it's been steeping for the last five minutes and you've spilt it. At least it hasn't gone on the floor.

Starting point is 01:01:52 It's going on the floor. Great, well done, Not Scratch. Hang on, here's some tissue paper. I really did. A little bit of an accident there. I apologise for that, Paul, I'm sorry. I'm always spilling things on the podcast, aren't I? Because you're a blobby-palmed fuckswit.

Starting point is 01:02:09 That's why. All right. Sorry about that, everyone. So, look. Now, this is... Not like Eli's punched his noodle bowl across the room. We can now... Don't punch it, at least.

Starting point is 01:02:18 This is the Bullboy Energy, for want of a better word. Energy noodle. Anime Bullboy Energy Noodle. Now, you're going to have to give it a huff because we don't know what this is going to be. There's so many mystery things inside this. It looks to have cocked. It looks to have cooked.

Starting point is 01:02:30 It looked to have cocked as well. It got proper cocked. Now, I'm going to be careful because I don't want to be spilling this. He's supping the broth. What are you getting from it? Look at that. Oh, mother.

Starting point is 01:02:40 Oh, it's spicy. It's a spicy one, is it? Oh, very spicy. It's spicy. I think I can detect some of that sort of Szechuan numbing pepper in there. Oh, it's spicy. It's a spicy one, is it? Oh, very spicy. It's spicy. I think I can detect some of that sort of Szechuan numbing pepper in there. Oh, really? Do you reckon that's what those weird corn things were? There's some chilli heat, but there is also, I feel,

Starting point is 01:02:54 like some numbing heat in there as well. All right. Take some broth. Taste the broth first, please. Hang on one second. Please taste the broth. Right. Please suck the broth.

Starting point is 01:03:02 Yes. It's quite nice, isn't it? It's quite rich. Interesting flavour profile. Herby. Meaty as well. And meaty. It's got a brothy umami.

Starting point is 01:03:10 It has a sort of oiled mouth feel, the broth. And I'll have some noodles as well. And did you taste any of the protein bits? What do you think then? It's hard to make sense of the little bits in it because they're so overwhelmed by the broth. If you want it all in your mouth, it all just tastes the same with that kind of stinging nettle thing. Do you think there is some numbing pepper in there? It wouldn't surprise me

Starting point is 01:03:27 because my lips and gums and tongue have been having a little bit of trouble finding the texture of the noodles. What did you think? I don't really like the texture of the noodles. They're a bit too fine for my liking. Eli's just getting down on his knees and getting right in the noodles.

Starting point is 01:03:40 It's a big bowl, ladies and gentlemen. I wouldn't want to wrestle it on my lap either, so Eli's done the right thing by putting it on the table, getting on his knees, bowing in front of me and slurping down hot nod. I have to say, that's quite nice. Has it surprised you? There's dehydrated mushrooms, as I said. There's shiitakes in there.

Starting point is 01:03:58 Good. You'd enjoy more of that. I like the flavour. Yeah. It's slightly under salty, but, you know? I don't feel the salt in it too much. I think that stinging, metal-y, heat chilli takes away the... I think it's a numbing flavour. Yeah. It's slightly under salty, but, you know. I don't feel the salt in it too much. I think that stinging, metal-y, heat chilli takes away the... I think it's a numbing pepper. Yeah. Or something.

Starting point is 01:04:10 Or green peppercorn. Maybe. Did I tell you I tasted a green peppercorn noodle? I'll try and get another one. All right. It has a green, this sort of bright green pepper sachet, which is liquid, liquid green. Right. Which is that similar.

Starting point is 01:04:22 So I think that's what it is. I don't think it's a numbing pepper. I think it's green peppercorn. Okay. But it still has a weird numbing effect because my tongue at the side feels weird. But if you think about it, I didn't think about it before. You have sulfur heat, which is mustard or horseradish. Yes.

Starting point is 01:04:35 Which is heat in a certain sense, isn't it? Yes. But it's not the same as a chili heat. No. And then you have chili or caspiscom. A bright kind of. Caspiscom. Caspiscom.

Starting point is 01:04:44 Cappascom. Cappascom. What is that word? Cappapiscom. Chilli or kaspiskum. A bright kind of. Kaspiskum. Kaspiskum. Kappa. Kaspiskum. Kappaskum. What is that word? Kappapiskum. I'll have a kappapiskum. Well, you're going to get one if you don't fucking speed this up. So out of ten.

Starting point is 01:04:55 Out of ten. And then you have peppercorn heat. Yes. Which is a whole different heat again, isn't it? It's not a chilli heat and it's not a sulfur. And then you have real fire heat in your mouth. Yeah, but that's not a food. It is. Fire eaters.

Starting point is 01:05:07 Fire eaters. Yes. And they go, ha, ha, ha, ha. They take a huge, fiery knob shaft into their gar. He's doing it.

Starting point is 01:05:18 What would you give that out of 10 then? I'll give that a 7. Really? You liked it. I just have to be one last point on that. Yeah. Noodle Paul. It's better than I thought it that a 7. Really? You liked it. I just have to be one last point on that. Yeah. It's better than I thought it was.

Starting point is 01:05:28 Yeah. It's not as gimmicky as the packaging would suggest. It's very solid, well rounded, quite a lot of ingredients. I mean 6 sachets. I wish the noodle was thicker. That's about what I was going to agree with you. The noodle gets all mushy. Yeah and there's nothing to it. So the pliancy's gone.

Starting point is 01:05:43 Even those cheap chicken ones, the no-name, had more of a nice give on the noodle, you know? I would have preferred that noodle in that bowl. Yeah. So anyway, look,

Starting point is 01:05:51 chicken... Not too bad. I'll go again. Probably 7 out of 10, something like that. 7 out of 10. That's all right. And chicken...

Starting point is 01:05:56 I would eat that. Yeah. I would eat that. I might get that one of those. So far, both of them are good, aren't they? You've enjoyed both. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:06:01 Yeah. You've got a nice heat one. That's a quick... It's nice. It's quite a complex noodle for how quick you can prepare it. Right. Because it probably takes

Starting point is 01:06:07 the same amount of time as that pot noodle and I bet it's better than that. I have a horrible feeling this is going to be absolutely fucking gloppy fudge. This is the piastre resistance of the noodle pot,

Starting point is 01:06:16 but it's our mother. This is our big finale and look, the problem with pot noodles is they're less... They're gloopy, they don't cook properly and they taste of shit. They're gloopy and they're blobby're gloopy they don't cook properly and they taste of shit

Starting point is 01:06:25 they're gloopy and they're blobby disgusting in your garby you want to lob them at your tummy the pot noodles make me sick diddly did

Starting point is 01:06:33 brr brr diddly did brr brr diddly did diddly did diddly did

Starting point is 01:06:39 spunk spunk spunk nothing has to end in spunk it needed it it needed it I'm going to give this a go so what's the smell like

Starting point is 01:06:45 so this is without by the way we haven't got any hot sauce on we're going to taste it with and without because they say oh it's going to be so dangerously hot

Starting point is 01:06:51 we'll see about that here we go isn't it funny how they're still sort of they've toned down their whole like what they used to be called the slag of snacks

Starting point is 01:06:59 or something yeah they literally called the slag of snacks yeah in the 90s when you could get away with that bloke culture type shit Oi chuck this at your bird

Starting point is 01:07:07 and she won't knob you off yeah it's a complete fucking whore of a snack didn't they use slap my bitch up as well they used that

Starting point is 01:07:13 for one of their ads I couldn't remember they had an ad ban because it was like fucking be a huge misogynist and eat this wipe your dick

Starting point is 01:07:20 on her curtains after you cum on her tits and have a pot noodle at the same time. But enter her arsehole with a chicken and mushroom pot noodle. You'll shit it out of your arsehole while you take your wife up hers. Take a shit on her chest while you get down beef and tomato.

Starting point is 01:07:38 So that was horrible. I just want to say that right now. Paul. Yes. The point I'm making is they've obviously moved away from that because it's offensive, that kind of the lad image. But they still seem to be appealing to somewhat. Like when they say, what's that big Bombay bad boy curry?

Starting point is 01:07:54 Bombay bad boy. It has that vernacular of the kind of the Y boy. 90s dickheads. Yeah. Have a go with that. I think it gets- Do you know what it smells like? A doner kebab. Yeah. I a go with that. I think it gets... Do you know what it smells like? A doner kebab.

Starting point is 01:08:06 Yeah. I'll tell you what the problem is. It has the elements in your mouth, flavour-wise, of a doner kebab. It's recognisable. But there is this cardboardy, mouldy flavour to it as well, which really unsettles the palate. How did the noodles cook? Quite well for pot noodle.

Starting point is 01:08:21 Yeah. No real crunch. It's not a completely al dente experience. Yeah. When it hits the mouth, there's definitely a sort of kebab flavour, and it's not overwhelming. Yeah. You know, no real crunch. It's not a completely al dente experience. Yeah. When it hits the mouth, there's definitely a sort of kebab flavour and it's not overwhelming.

Starting point is 01:08:29 No. It's all right. It's all right. But then, as it gets to the back, disappears. It all disappears and becomes very paper thin

Starting point is 01:08:37 and almost... Cardboard-y. Yeah. Dusty. I can't explain it. Yes. Shall I add the hot sauce, mother? Very much like that

Starting point is 01:08:43 chick, that limited edition... What was it? Turkey and stuffing, was it? That. Shall I add the hot sauce, mother? Very much like that chick, that limited edition, what was it, turkey and stuffing, was it? Yeah. That had a similar sort of, something up front that then degenerates

Starting point is 01:08:51 into something much more chemically by the end. Something much more synthetic, yeah. Right, I'm going to add the hot sauce then in now. So give me the pot back.

Starting point is 01:08:58 Oh, it's a very tomatoey hot sauce. It wants to be nice at first, but then it isn't quite when it finishes, you know? Adding in the hot sauce. Adding in it now.

Starting point is 01:09:07 Now, they claim that this hot sauce is like the only fully hardcore. If you put the whole lot in, it's not going to be, is it? No, what will happen is the heat will completely override whatever flavour was in the bowl, and it's going to be a tomatoey hot mess now. It might be nicer. I've put the whole bag in. It might replace the emptiness at the back of the original flavour profile, you know? We'll see. I'm about to go in for my

Starting point is 01:09:28 second sauce bite. We've added the whole pot, the whole sauce. Unleash what's inside. Right, well that's made that much worse. Worse? Why? Because now... It's sweeter? No. The fake hot sauce now overrides the fake meat, so what you get is fake everything at once.

Starting point is 01:09:44 It's like they pull their flavors away from each other. Yeah. Oh man. Well who would have thought? It's just not not very good is it? No.

Starting point is 01:09:51 I think. I'm sorry Pot Noodle. I'm sorry. I'm sorry Pot Noodle. We don't go out of our way to find everything you make repulsive. And your whole marketing

Starting point is 01:09:59 and everything shit and distasteful and boring. Basically everything about you sub standard and shit. But are you chicken and mushroom which is your only... Except that.

Starting point is 01:10:08 And I have sometimes if I'm in the right mood. Yeah, I like it. Beef and tomato. If I'm in the right mood. I've not had a beef and tomato in years, mate. I'll be honest with you.

Starting point is 01:10:15 You're right. In your right mood and you have to prepare it proper but that is a three out of ten for me. Yeah. That one's not a mother at all. It's that hot sauce is weak and flavourless,

Starting point is 01:10:26 just adds some horrible dry heat that doesn't add anything to it. Yeah, that's it. It's a dry heat. It's an absolutely boring dry heat that really... We needed some sweetness. A little touch of sweetness would work better with the chilli sauce there, do you know? Yeah, but then it's not really a doner kebab anymore then, is it?

Starting point is 01:10:40 No. It's more just like a curry, I guess, at that point. Yeah, not good. I mean, it had some promise. Like I i keep saying at the beginning of the flavor you think oh that's quite umami at the top you know and salty and you can taste that elephant's leg you can taste the elephant's leg yeah but they can't sustain that or turn it into something nice at the finish but i always blame the fact that the consistency of the sauce is so thick that it's just slop you can't do nuance with slop i hate the way that that that that is a

Starting point is 01:11:06 stumbling block the way they're sloppy it's that super noodle pot noodle kind of noodle thing slop unless it looks like a stew we're not interested and i'm glad nissan are getting more popular and things like that now i mean nissan are just just better and this is easily the best noodle is this energy one even though troubling packaging. The packaging's fine. You know what? It's going for a slightly edgy, cool, modern. Young, I guess. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:11:31 But it's flavourful. It spices a lot going on. I'm tasting it now, and the bits and pieces have different textures. There's lots more going on in there than just the pure mush of that. So chicken flavour gets a commendation. It's a great little thing. Cheap as chips. Lovely.

Starting point is 01:11:46 Better than a standard. Better than a standard no-name. Yeah. Ironically, because it is a no-name. It is a no-name. It is no-name. And then the energy noodle beef vegetarian thing. Absolutely fine.

Starting point is 01:11:56 Lovely. Lots of flavours. A delicious surprise. Six sachets. If you're into sachets. One, two, three, four, five. Get out of town. Six sachets.

Starting point is 01:12:03 You're playing a new game. Oh, mother. Crazy sachets now. One, two, three, four, five, get out of town, six sachets, you're playing a new game. Oh, mother! Crazy sachets now! Oh, mother. And then pot noodle doner kebab is a mother fucker. Big disappointment there.

Starting point is 01:12:13 Big disappointment. It's not, though, because we've never been surprised by a pot noodle yet. I wanted to be surprised once by one that's delicious. Think of every single pot noodles we've done

Starting point is 01:12:22 on the show. Every single one has been shit. And every time we say disappointment, but why? At this point, why are they disappointing? You can imagine a doner kebab flavoured noodle being a dirty delight, but that isn't it. No.

Starting point is 01:12:33 Well, that's the... I think we should do the theme tune to go out. Oh! Oh! I've had so many noodles, mate! I'll do the siren. Oh, no! There's noodles coming out of the sky. Blimey, mother.

Starting point is 01:12:51 Noodle poplite. Noodle poplite. I've got the boots on, it's a noodle poplite. Mother, mother, mother. I haven't got a clue what to chew. Woo! Mother! That's that. Stop fucking saying mother. Seriously.

Starting point is 01:13:12 See you next time. I love noodle pot blitz. I'm increasingly getting more tired of it. No, there's so many more out there. I know. There are so many more out there. There will be more blitz to come your way. The great blitz of London is coming your way.

Starting point is 01:13:27 Calm your fucking self. Father! And the man in the back said, everyone stop when we stop doing a cheap show pod. Cheap show pod. And that's the over pod done. That's over pod done. That's the podcast done for this week,

Starting point is 01:13:42 boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks for listening, everybody. I've got oily beardy bits all in my mouth. Oily beardy bits. And I am... Spooging it out. My big top is back. I've spodged it out and I'm spooging it out.

Starting point is 01:13:56 And I've got oily bits in the beard. And I'm Eli Silverman. So you know what I say? Let's keep this short and sweet. Shut your fucking mouth. Right. My fouls. Shut my fouls.

Starting point is 01:14:04 I can't get my word. See, my tongue's still numb, I think, from that noodle. It's a good noodle, mate. Right. Long story short, if you want to know about merch, episode guides, or videos, whatever, go to thecheapshow.co.uk. There are links there to all our social media. Thecheapshow.co.uk.

Starting point is 01:14:19 We're on Twitter, at The Cheap Show Pod. I'm at Paul Gannon Show. And Eli is... Eli Snoid, spelled E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. And we have a Patreon. Lots of you support us. We love the fact that you do. We're going to try and give you more exciting content.

Starting point is 01:14:32 More beard squadges. More beard squadges. But if you'd like to join the Patreon party, go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show. Grab a tier that suits you. Remember, only support us if you can just remember that remember that only if you can but thank you we're really turning into brucey support us if you can but remember only if you can only if you want to bet on it

Starting point is 01:14:58 seriously thank you we love the patrons and i will i can do oil stuff with the beard if you like paul no but the beard stuff's over couldn't we get just a pane of glass yeah and I just I've greased the beard up it's funny

Starting point is 01:15:11 we could do little little otter kisses oily otter snout Eli's oily otter kiss videos is that what you want to do well if that's what you want to see support us on Patreon and we'll give you what you want

Starting point is 01:15:22 right that's it I think ultimately getting close now to the live show at the Leicester Comedy Festival if you're coming along If that's what you want to see, support us on Patreon and we'll give you what you want. Right. That's it, I think, ultimately. Getting close now to the live show at the Leicester Comedy Festival. If you're coming along and you want to bring something, make sure it's something that I can carry home. Or that we can consume.

Starting point is 01:15:33 Or eat on there. Yeah. Or something we can carry home easily. I just want to say one thing about that, Paul. Yeah. Those pickles that come in pouches that you get in truck stops in America, we've done those and they are vile. Ooh.

Starting point is 01:15:44 So send more. No, please don't bring those. Because I can put a piece of pickle pickle up me dickle dickle bum. In your dickle bum? I'm going to edit that out. Fuck me, I can't. No, that's a good concept.

Starting point is 01:15:52 Dickle bum. That's a new word for meters. Dickle bum. No, it's not. I'm refusing to fold it. I put a pickle sliver in my little dickle bum. Little dicky bum bum. Oh, spicy little sliver pickle in my dicky bum bum.

Starting point is 01:16:06 I owe my gaping dicky bum bum. Out, out. I've rubbed my eyes and there's hot sauce on my eyes. You shouldn't have done that. You always do that. My ickle bum sauce. Who put the pickle sliver

Starting point is 01:16:19 in my ickle bum? My dickle bum. Shut up. Okay, shut up. See you next week. Ta-ta for now. Bye, bye, everybody.

CheapShow - Ep 318: Top Notch Western Romance

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