CheapShow - Ep 319: Another Tale of Two Podcasts

Episode Date: February 10, 2023

Paul is ready to record another thrilling episode of CheapShow this week, but Eli forgot to tell him he doesn’t have the time. He’s off to Florida (again) to visit his family so he can’t record a full edition of the pod. Undefeated. Paul whips out his time machine macguffin and hops between the present (or the past, as of the recording) into the future (or the present… It really doesn’t matter) to see if Mr Biffo is interested, once again, in taking on a timey-wimey Price of Shite. This (last) week, the POS items come from a PO Box delivery and contain three cute charity shop curated curios. Both Mr Biffo and Eli will evaluate these items and guess the price, but which one will come out victorious? Only time will tell. Oh, and it also seems like there are more nefarious schemes afoot behind the scenes, but what can it all be leading to? Yes, it’s a pointlessly gimmicky episode, folks! Enjoy! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-319-another-tale-of-two-podcasts And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid @mrbiffo Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! WATCH OUR EPIC 300 Live Show on YouTube Video Edition: youtu.be/Yf5Q3WVR4tl MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow NEW ART: Get hold of Spunk.Rock’s exclusive new CheapShow Artwork: https://www.redbubble.com/i/t-shirt/CHEAPSHOW-EST-2016-by-spunkrock/115961855.WFLAH.XYZ www.instagram.com/spunk__rock Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Have you... Pass me those socks, please. No, we're going to do a podcast. Pass me the socks. What, those socks on the side? All the socks. Can you just shove them over here, please? Here you are.

Why are you getting your socks out? What are you doing? I'm packing. Where are you going? Florida. When? Tomorrow morning, very early. But we've got a podcast to record.

You didn't tell me you were going to go be away for a fucking week and a bit. I did too tell you. Did you? I did too. Did you tell me too? I too told you too. I told you. So all this stuff really needs to go in your suitcase?

No, just some of it. Yes. Oh, let me have a look then. You've got your shirts, your jeans, yeah, your undies, socks. What's that big purple vibrating thing with a switch on the side with speeds written on it? One says gentle, one says rugby player, and the top one says complete sex bastard.

Do you want that pack? It's in my gaming unit. Is it? Yes. Look, it's a very big unit. I'll say that for it. No, it's just for games. Do you want this book as well on the side?

How to fuck dogs. Do you want that to go with you? How to fuck American dogs. Yeah? Here's your big dildo and your dog fuck book. All right? Pack that. What's this?

Oh, what's this? It's your... It's not anything. This isn't even my house. I'm just... For the sake of this play, we're at your place right now. Well, that's not my dildo. That's not my book, How to Fuck American Dogs.

American doggy. I see if a book like that would even exist. Play dead for me. American doggy. Oh, what's this book that would even exist. Play dead for me. American Doggy. Oh, what's this book? Did you drop this book, Paul? What? How My Flying Bullsack Spews Hot Molten Spunk Juice

in My Ears and Melts My Brain. Yes, it's a very specific book, and I was glad to get it. By Dr. Alucard. Oh, Dr. Alucard. Oh, nice. A nice reference to 50s horror. I like it Or the film

Monster Squad Which also uses That trope as well Yes Has there ever been a trope Where like someone Like their car breaks down And it's raining

And then they They go to the door Knock knock And someone comes out And he goes hello Yeah And they go Who are you?

Or whatever And he goes I'm Dr. Alucard No Dr. E Edwardville I'm Edwardville The novelist Ville. I'm Edward Ville, the novelist. Yes, that's right. E-Ville.

Oh, yeah, maybe. Yeah, they've probably done that. I'm Dr. D. E-Ville. All right, knock on my door. Knock on my door. Say you're broken down. Oh, God. Ding dong.

I'm sorry, Janet. I'll just see if they can help us here. They're coming, I think. Oh, hello. I'm really sorry to bother you this late. We've broken down, down the lane. Oh, yes. What's your name?

My name is Lucy. Lucifer. Lucifer. Come on in. It's like that, isn't it? Dr. Evil. My name is... Edwardville.

That's evil. Come on in. My name is Richard Sucker. That's right. I'm a dick sucker. Sounds like Cherry Shop Vampire. No, well, you know, it's not. Well, anyway, I don't have time to do a podcast.

You do. We've got to record. You can't just... Right, well, in that case, I've got an idea. Really? I've got to go to sleep. I can't do this. I've got a great idea.

I'm going to do what I did last time. I'm going to use my time hop technology, Eli, and make a podcast. Yes. So, let me think. How about I record half a Price of Shite with you, and I can jump into the future and do the other half, the same segment, but with Biffo.

And then you can battle. It's just an episode where Eli has to go away. So we're splitting it. So it's a challenge between Eli and me. You gave up on trying to explain that. Yeah, because I realised I was making a complete dog's fuck of it. Let's try again. No.

Let's try one more time. The conceit's out now. It's fine. No, let's try one more time. Okay, I will take it back. Anyway, Paul, I can't. I don't have time. I have to pack all this stuff,

and then I have to sort my visa out and stuff. How am I going to get a full episode out if you're here? I don't know. Perhaps you could use that time-hopping technology that Marjorie Craddock, who has all the machines, lent you. Beep-bop, beep-bop, beep, beep-bop, bop. Yes, if I program the coordinates right, I can do this podcast with you now, beep-bop-beep, and then also hop into the future

and speak to Mr. Biffo, and we can go head-to-head on a price of shite, beep-bop-beep-bop-beep. Hopping around in time, like. I'm going to be bouncing back and forth through time, a hippity-hop, a bippity-bop,

on my time, uh, uh, flaclachinator. Oh, the flaclachinator. That's good. The flux-actionator. Oh, it's a flux-actionator. The time flux-actionator, yes. Oh, it's a flux-actionator.

Beep-bop-beep-bop-beep. Yeah, so I can do that. Let's see if we can do that this week. Happy. Happy with that. Is that better for you? That'll do, right? I've got a spatula.

Oh, yeah. And then give it to Count Dracula. Oh, no. Let's just stop. Let's just get to the episode. All right, all right. What's that? Oh, I've got it.

Right. This isn't very close. Oh, this is golly. Yeah, why? Because I know who I'm gonna... Schwiegt Schau mal, schau mal, schau mal, schau mal Ja, schwiegt Erst ging ich auf mit der Lippe, dann hab ich wieder schwiegt, mit der Füße Und nun war nur viel Leid, wie Leid So yeah, right, we're doing that then. Hand me the spatula. I always take spatulas with me.

I'll hand you the spatula. There you go, spatula. What's that for? Does it ease open a dog's flaps accordingly? Is that what you got? Only an American dog. Only an American dog. What's that for? Does it ease open a dog's flaps accordingly? Is that what you got? Only an American dog. Only an American dog. What's your favourite American dog? Lassie, probably.

Okay, you're very specific. Well, what? Name one other American dog. Old Yeller. Benji. Benji. Was he the one... Zack and the Alien Prince.

Benji the Littlest Hobo? No, the Littlest Hobo was the Littlest Hobo. Yeah, the Littlest Hobo was a dog. Yeah, it was. I can't remember. I can't remember what kind of dog it was right now, but it was a small dog. A yippity-y littlest hobo was a dog. Yeah, the littlest hobo was a dog. Yeah, it was. I can't remember. I can't remember what kind of dog it was right now, but it was a small dog. A yippity-yip.

And he kept on going. Yeah. I bet he had some fucking tales to tell on the road. This fucking last time. What stayed on the road goes on the road with him. What's that littlest hobo? Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff. You were in a town, an American town, last week.

Ruff, ruff. And you solved the crime. Ruff, ruff. What was the crime? Ruff, ruff, ruff. Woof, woof. And you solved the crime. Woof, woof. What was the crime? Woof, woof, woof. Eli Silverman was a dog worrier. Oh, that must be the worst crime in the world. Good, I'm glad you did that bit. It worked for me. Woof, woof.

Where did the bad Eli touch you on this dog doll? Shut up. Woof, woof. Oh, Paul. If you keep this up, people will go Wikipedia for me in like 20 years and they'll go, notorious dog fucker, because you keep repeating the lie. It's what it takes to stick.

You'll have people coming to shows, live shows, and going, I brought you something, Eli. It's in this box. Oh, it's a little shih tzu. You can fuck a shih tzu, Eli. How about that? Let's not bring him Great Dane to the show. There's an alleyway back there if you want to use it's a little shih tzu. You can fuck a shih tzu, Eli. How about that? Let's not bring him Great Dane to the show. There's an alleyway back there if you want to use it for a bit.

Have you fucked the conceits now? I think I've burnt it out, yes. You've burnt the conceit. Why don't you hop off into the fucking future and bring a piece of shite or something? I've got to explain the rules to Biffo now, haven't I? So I'm just going to pop over into the future right now. I'm going to hippity hop over

to the future and speak to Biffo and explain the rules. See you in a second then. All right, here we go. Beep, bop, beep. Oh, look. Oh, my God.

It's a ghost. Oh, it works. It's a ghost. No, it's not. It's a ghost. It's not. What do you mean it's. It's a ghost. It's not. What do you mean it's not? It's not.

It's Paul. I'm from the past. I've come from the past. But you died. Did I? Did I? No. What an accident.

Sorry, should I not have said that? I mean, you, you're not a ghost. No. Oh, wait, no. In that case, you definitely didn't die. All right, let me just make a note of this time paradox. The less you know, the better. Look, I know you're on the toilet right now,

but I thought we'd do a little, I wondered if you'd help me out. I've got a thing going on. Can I finish up first? Yeah, all right. Thank you. Sorry, you were saying? Do you want a wipe? No, no no I really do

Just drag it around the carpet Like a bad dog Like a dog Alright Okay listen So I'm from the past And Eli right

Yes He's done a dirty on me again And Has he now? What's going on in the past? He's done me dirty again Yes That's not done a dirty on me again Right And he's decided me dirty again. Yes. That's not done a dirty on me again.

Right. And he's decided to bail on an episode. So we can only got half the time to record. So I thought I'd do the other half of the episode with you. Would you be up for that? Future me, as I refer to myself now. Yeah.

Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yes. Future me. I'm from the past. Yes. Yes.

And you're not a ghost. And I'm not dead, yes. Go on. What? Do you want to play this Price is Shite with me? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'd love to. All right, because here's the plan.

I've got my time, Bibbly Boppler. Yeah, I can see that. Oh, that's nice. Bibbly Boppler. Where did you get that from? CX. I got it from CX. How much was it from CX?

It was all right. I traded in a heart monitor for it all right and i got one of these it's good so it's a proper time travel machine so i i'm going to hop back and forth and do a round with him and then do a do a round with you and then bounce back and forth that seems fine to me all right well i'll tell you what i'm going to go back now and tell eli okay you've said it's okay travels and then i'll be back i mean for you time won't pass at all. Right, so I'll just stay here. Stay here with your pads

down on the toilet. No, I'm off the toilet now. I'm on the floor. Still with my pants down. If you can come back in like 30 seconds so I can have dragged myself just 30 seconds. Alright, but you're going to have to move my body because while I'm out of it in

the past, you're going to have to move it into the living room or sit it down. Right, see, I'm very confused now. So you're like quantum leaping? Yes. But why was the body here? There wasn't until I started the time percolator. And now you're psychically going back into the past.

Yes, I'm jumping psychically between my two states in the past, then in the future, depending on where I am in that timeline. So there's a physical body in the past and in the present. Yes. And Eli in that timeline so there's a physical body in the past yeah and in the present yes and he's doing all sorts to it i can feel it yeah i won't do that no go on go on just a little we'll see just tickle my goiter we'll see we'll see i'll move it into the other room all right okay do that all right let's move me into the other room and i'll be back in 30 seconds. I'll just move you into the other room. Just bring me off.

All right. I'm going back now. Okay. Beep, bop. Beep, boop, bop, bop. Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. Yeah. Oh. Oh, I'm back.

Okay. So the plan is, here's the plan. I'm going to reveal an item to you now in the past and we're going to talk about it and then I'm going to zip into the future a beepity bop bip and give the same item to biffo and then in those segments i'll ask you what you think the price could be each of us yes 25p either way 25p

either way yeah of the actual price one between on the nose two betwinks excellent any kind of overall i don't believe so these items have been sent to us from Yvonne in a PO box. Remember we had the candies last week? That was part of it. Make sure you took the prices off. Are the prices off? Well, I don't know. She's done it.

No, she's curated it for us. So I believe. Now. He hasn't got anything to hand here. There's a letter from Yvonne. Is it warm? Have you got the heating on? No.

You don't? No. They're not going to let me on the plane. Maybe not. Can I have one of those fucking... Then that'll make this whole segment pointless.

You want me not to go to Florida. No, don't. Sit down. Sit down and do the pod. We haven't got much time if you're flying off. Pull the mic close. They're not going to let me on.

They'll have a temperature reader. You're just probably fat and out of shape, mate. It's fine. You've had a rough weekend with drinking, right? So you feel rough. I didn't have a rough drinking. You just told probably fat and out of shape, mate. It's fine. You've had a rough weekend with drinking, right? So you feel rough. I didn't have a rough drinking. You just told me before you recorded you did. One night.

I got drunk one night. What night was that? One night in Bangkok makes the whole world crumble. Friday. Did you just sing a song from Chess? Yes. Is it Chess? Yeah. That's the ABBA musical. I say ABBA, but there's no those two guys. I like that song. One night in Bangkok makes my my balls, Bojangle.

Bojangle, indeed. So, Dear Paul and Eli, another year, another box, included the contents. So she gave us the magazines, highly recommended, beautiful things. Some treats. We had those last week. Also gave us a Flexi, which we'll come to in time. Remember the Flexi? And a magazine that was given to you, a kind of 90s indie music mag, wasn't it?

Freak Beat or something. It was a zine. It wasn't an official mag. It was a zine. Yes, but it was... Which is a homemade affair. Very interesting. Yeah, Freak Beats it was called.

And it says it has 3D glasses with it. Yeah. So we'll cover that in a future episode as well. So, A Price of Shite. Now, one of these items is linked to a theme of Cheap Show Magazine issue number 16. Now, one of these items is linked to a theme of Cheap Show magazine issue number 16. Now, there isn't a 16 yet.

I've checked. It goes up to 15. The latest one was 13, but that was the joke because it was Halloween. Ah. Can you guess what it is? The answer is in the same envelope.

The latest one was 13, but it was actually 15. I don't understand. No, issue 15's already come out, but the joke was she held off releasing 13. So it went 12, 14, 15, 13 yeah the joke being that

13 because of Halloween and stuff so 16 is the next one so we don't know what it will be don't you know perhaps there's been other hints about what will be in it the answer is in the same envelope as the POS solution so I'll have to check it up and I'll put it into the

because this is being recorded across time I can hop into the future ask and they'll put it into the, because this is being recorded across time. I can hop into the future, ask her and then put it back in. Okay, but I still need something to do. Well, so yeah, can you guess what it is? So I think it's just normal Price of Shite rules. Three items, guess the price, job done. I'd like to see the first item then, Paul. But there's no indication of where they came from,

if there's a limit to how much was spent overall. Let me just double check. There we go. Three items. You might as well open the envelope because you're not guessing. You're not guessing. Oh, that's true.

I can know now, but I can reveal to him later. Maybe there's something in there about where they came from or something. There's one. A ceiling. Oh, they're lovely, packed in a lovely way. Yeah, lovely, perfectly wrapped. And you don't know,

you know which they're numbered as well. Okay. What? What does it reveal to you? So it does reveal what the theme of 16 is. So maybe it's coming soon, but okay, whatever. And one of these items is related to that theme. So you can have a guess of it, but we won't know until the issue comes out.

Okay. So there are three items. One, two, three. That is correct. I have looked at the prices, and they are fair. And the limit overall. They're in pounds. Pounds and pence, are they? The absolute limit they're in pounds pounds and pence are they absolute limit are they are is the pound sterling are we talking pounds it's in pounds and i can tell you this tops out at five pounds no more it's more than four pound and less than five pound what

all together all together that's your window all right more than four less than five that's not very much for three items is it no very good. So I know the answers now. I know within which parameter we are playing in. It's exciting times. Let's have item number one then, please. All right then. And then you need to go to the future and show it to Biffo in the future.

All right. Well, then let the time games begin. Hello. Sorry, that's a bit embarrassing. I've got a weird tingle down in me love box. Yeah, I was wiping myself on your groin. Is that what that was? That's what that brown mark is.

I thought that was cuckoo spit. Cuckoo? Yeah. Spit. Cuckoo spit. Did cuckoo have brown spit? Yeah. All the smoking cuckoos have brown spit.

No. No, it's just there's a little bit of, I don't know, there's a little bit of my body physiology time. Because I'm affecting time, I think I'm affecting the passage of my groin. Have you got a hard-on? No. I can smell burning hair. I just have great looking hair. No, that's a separate issue.

That's a separate issue. I'm trying to get rid of my pubis, so I've got one of those light guns that zap things. And a separate issue. I'm trying to get rid of my pubis, so I've got one of those light guns that zap things and a separate issue for the time travel. When you returned, there was this sound like someone running their fingers over a balloon. Yeah, that's the sound of time. It's the sound of time travel.

Time stretching. Yeah, time... I'm doing the jerky, jerky sound, but I'm meant to be making a balloon animal. Right, so that mime is pumping up a balloon with a balloon pump. Yes, let's pretend that that's what the mime is. If you could mime it away from my face. Okay, I'll mime it over my shoulder.

Look, I've spoken to Eli. The game's afoot. Right. But I want to tell you the parameters of the game, all right? So, all right, so you've played The Price of Shite before, though. Many times. You have three items. Yes.

Right? Yes. They are nice items from a Venn's box. Oh, yeah. A Venn, who everyone knows, helps make the Cheap Show magazine. She sells a box

with The Price of Shite and a very special Price of Shite. So, look, she sent this letter and... Oh, hello. There's a man in your house.

Yeah, riding a motorbike around my kitchen. Just a little motorbike. Yes. So, got a letter from a vendor. She sent a box, and I've already told Eli this letter, but effectively, all you need to know is that there are three items that she has sent, and the price range,

so you can have a rough idea of what you can guess at right is the items all together accumulatively cost no more than five pound but no less than four pounds right right so all together the three items will be in that price bracket no more than five pounds collectively yes but no less than four so somewhere between four and five pounds that is very correct sorry to repeat the information. I'm glad you did because it shows to me that you're listening and you're engaged. Now, rules or betwings, as we like to call them on this fine show, are one betwing if you get the price within 25p either way of the actual price.

So let's just say you say a pound, but the actual price is £1.25. You'd still get a betwing. Gotcha. Right? If you get it exactly on the nose, the exact right price, oh blimey, core flip me governor,

that's a two per twing situation. And that's where you really want to go to today. Double the per twings, double the fun. Double the fun, double the per twings. And I've got all the information that she sent and I'm going to be taking care of your scores

and Eli's, but I won't be sharing your scores with Eli until we can speak to him in the future when we get him. Or in the past. He's in the past, isn't he? He's in the past right now. I'm in the future.

Yeah. With you. Now it's a week later. What? Time travel. You don't understand time travel or paradoxes all the light you're right i am in your future but you do you tell me who does understand time and paradoxes einstein did he well a bit did a little bit mc squared mc squared coming at you i'm sure that gag has never been done before as well. Ladies and gentlemen, on stage, it's MC Squared.

Mc Squared. And then my gag stopped because I know nothing other than MC Squared. Relativity. Yeah. They were a good punk band. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good one.

And Isaac's Apple. I don't think Gravity, well, I suppose because Gravity does distort time. It does, yeah. There's something about it. I don't know what I'm talking about. I've always thought that it does yeah there's something about it I don't know I've always thought that about gravity it's just about it it's something about it

I really like something I'm drawn to you know wherever I am in the world I'm always drawn back to it you know you can't go wrong with gravity

unless you're on the moon or falling out of a building or falling out of a building where gravity plays against you yeah it plays a big part in that big big big big part in your disillusionment

with gravity I fell right out of love with gravity as I was falling to my death in that aeroplane I was like oh gravity

you've let me down it's overrated see you let me down yeah get a good one oh it's good this and this is a former that's definitely working

for us this week right I've told them the scores and the points so what I need to do now is I I've told them the scores and the points. So what I need to do now is I need to jump into the past and speak to Eli before he goes to Florida so we can speak to him a bit later.

Right. I'm just making a note of time travel. Okay, do the calculations before you make the leap to whatever it's called. Past. Past. I've got my time flux collagulator

and I'm going to now go back to my original point. Again, please do not molest my body. I haven't molested it. Right, here we go. Beep, bop, beep, bop, beep, bop, boo. Wee, bop, bop, bop, bop. Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop.

Wee, bop, bop. Right, I've just spoken to him. I've told him the... You keep zipping and zipping and booping and bapping. The problem is, it drains... Blipping in and out, it drains me. It's quite confusing for me. Emotionally, it drains...

What do you see? Do I stay here? You get all fuzzy and then it's like... Like a million little iridescent worms, neon worms, converging on a point where your temple is. Temple is, yeah. Around there. And then it goes... all converging on a point where your temple is. Temple is, yeah. Around there.

And then it goes... Mother! Right, item number one. There's a glow as well, a blue glow in the air. Yeah, it feels weird. It's almost like smoke. It feels weird. The only way I can describe it, the travelling process, it's like I breathe out for infinity.

Ah. And then I get my breath back when I appear. It's hard to explain. It's like breathing out forever. Right, so, Eli, here is the first item for the price of shite. It's in your hands as of now. This is a tin. It's a block toss.

Look into the mic. It's a tin. Paul, you've handed me a tin. A tin. A four-ish size tin? A four-ish size tin? A four-ish size tin. And it says Blockbusters on, and it has a picture of the Blockbusters board.

It was a game show. Popular in the 80s. Very popular. Tea time quiz show on ITV. Tea time, that's right. I think it was just after Children's ITV finished the day. It was that slot. Yeah.

That was a famous slot, wasn't it? Well, we've done it on the podcast before. After John Craven's news round. Yes. No, that was BBC John Craven's news round. Unless you flipped over. Yeah, we didn't make that clear. We've talked about've done it on the podcast before. After John Craven's news round. Yes. No, that's BBC John Craven's news round. Unless you flipped over. Yeah, we didn't make that clear. We've talked about Blockbusters on the show before

because we've done it live at one of the MCM shows where we had the board game of Blockbuster. That's years ago. Years and years ago. This is a board game. This is a board game in a tin. I think effectively you get a pad, which is like a dry wipe pad maybe,

where you can write the letters on so you can reuse it. No, that's it. It's a dry wipe pad maybe where you can write the letters on so you can reuse it. That's it. It's a dry wipe pad. So you draw the letters on. Q, P, R, all this kind of stuff. Q, P, R, T, F, P, M, whatever. Those are all letters.

Q, P, R, T, F, T, N. Yeah, they are all letters. You're right. Well spotted. And it's got a quiz book with it. Yeah. And look, you see those little magnetic cards? They stick onto that so you can blank them out.

So you write the letters on. So it is a board game, essentially. Yeah. All right. Nice, nice thing. It's a very cheap version of the, because obviously the board game version is a plastic grid that you... It's just a general knowledge quiz, essentially.

All right, let me do it with you. I'll test you. It's sort of gimmick of blockbusters where you had a single player versus a team of two. And the idea is you had to get... And it was slightly easier for the single player to get across. That's less... Okay, so it was a grid of, what is it?

Four by five, right? Of hexagons all linked together. And the idea is if you were a single player, you had to go up or down the board, ideally as quickly as possible, so four moves, right? Whereas the other team, which were two people, had five to get across the board. So it's kind of like a tic-tac-toe thing as well

where you're trying to block spaces and try and block another path. Yes, there's a spatial aspect. So the game can drag on depending on how the game plays out, but effectively you want to get across or from top to bottom as quickly as possible during general knowledge. Who were the greatest champions? Were they two players or one player teams? The stats on that might be interesting. Who won more?

Single player or double? I think it was a single player, personally. Alright, I'll tell you what, let's's do this let's give you a question and then i'm going to hop back in time and ask or in the future and ask biffo a question the same questions and see if you get him right so to make it fair what i'll do is then i'll just read the first of a b and c right no matter what it is i'll read that first question fine right what a is the largest country in Africa by area? Is it Angola, Bob? No, the answer was Algeria. Right, B. What B is a salty, meaty drink made in Burton-on-Trent?

Is it Bovril, Bob? It's Bovril. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Do I get betwings for these? Betwing. I've already got a betwing then. Yeah. Oh, that's all right. These aren't going to count to your overall betwingage.

Why not? These are separate tangential betwings. There's no such thing as a tangential all right then this is a twing up it's a backwards between okay like that good can't do that a lot so we're not doing that anymore um all right one point last one number three c what c is a pejorative term for white people especially poor rural whites in some south southern united states is it crackers bob yes it is cracker that's a very strange question there you go to be in that so eli gets two i'm gonna hop back in time in a minute and ask before the same questions and see what he gets right for now eli what do you think the price is on this tin do you think remembering

the parameters of the four to five quid thing? I'm going to say we don't have any clues about where these were purchased, no? I think, if I remember rightly, a friend in the past told me that when she was in the country, she stopped off in some English town on the travels. She bought these in Britain, yeah. She bought them in Britain. I'm going to say £1.80. £1.80 has been marked.

Am I being fooled by the sort of fake quality of the metal tin? Those are often used to give something a sort of air of quality, aren't they? True, but these tend to go for a 10 and new, I think. Okay, fair enough. When you see them in M&S or around Christmas, in those kind of stores. I was going to say Denmark's, but Denmark's is not a store. I'm going to go for 180 there.

180? For now, yeah. 180 is what Eli's putting down. Now, I have to take this with me and go I've got to pack it all up going back in time

so I'm just going to go back in time now and ask Biffo what he thinks ready here we go all the wings are dangling off him. Should it be off to the left?

Yes. Sadly, that's what it should be doing. That's how I've always known it. Why is it sort of wobbling? Like kind of pulsing? It looks like someone snapped the chicken's neck. You know what I mean? You know that chicken that was famous because it had no head,

but they fed it with a pipette for years? Could you... No. Yeah. Could you imagine... It's a true story. ...if balls and willies were switched around, so you had two...

Two balls and a pipette. How weird would that look? You would look like some kind of... Elephant. ...Greek mythological creature. I've never thought of that before. One ball, two piluses. Well, I mean, to be fair,

you'd just call it the space opera, wouldn't you? Because it's got that same kind of thing. It'd have that same... creature i've never thought of that before one board two penises oh i mean to be fair you just call it the space opera wouldn't you because it's got that same kind of thing it had that same that's really bothered me now what if it was just balls all the way down what like multiple balls yeah like down your leg like grapes just like a mass of testicles all big bunch of balls yeah big bunch of balls and all men had to wear like i don't know some kind of truss it did you ever see that that guy i think he was in from india who had the world's biggest penis no and he just wrapped it in like a i don't know cloth and he used to go around because it was so big that look up pictures for the man with the world's largest penis and he

he wraps i think i'll get quite a few images i think it won't narrow my search down it was i mean whether there really was that yeah that bag that he kind of wore on it whether that was all penis or whether he was you know it stuffed it a bit i don't know but if that was his cock it was fucking weird oh you he wouldn't he wouldn't be enjoying it, though. After about 18 inches, it's not fun anymore, is it? I don't think anyone else would be enjoying it. No. But bless him. Maybe he was the inventor of the bum bag.

What? Because he could just tuck it all in. Well, it looked quite solid because it sort of swings. I wonder if his balls were normal size. Anyway. I've decided I'm not playing this game. I'm going to go to a different time. I didn't talk about a big man's willy.

Right. Here's your first item. We're playing Price of Shite. It's the Falky Price of Shite. That's right. All right. You can investigate it. Blockbusters.

Experience the retro classic TV show, a fun interactive board game, and a quiz book with more than 800. That's right. 800 questions. It's in a quiz book with more than 800. That's right. 800 questions. It's in a nice metal tin. Nice tin. Just so you know as well,

Evanne bought all of these in the UK when she was over for the live show. So they are UK bought and therefore they are pound prices. You will be guessing. And she took them back with her. Yes. And then she should just done it. I know. But you know what?

Maybe she likes post. Well, these are all the questions here. Well, I'm going to test you on a few because I asked Eli three and I thought I'd ask you the same three. There's some sort of little wooden board. There's a foam board.

It's got a magnet in it. Has it? When I was doing this with Eli, you basically write the letters on in a pen yourself, like a whiteboard. And then you use those little cards to cover up them as you would play the game. It's like half

a blockbuster board isn't it it's square as opposed to the blockbuster board is wider it's only a mini game then yes

yeah block go on that's it cockbusters I wasn't going to say cockbusters I know

but I thought I would block is half of what is it half a blockbuster block blubber blubber rhombus busters

blubber blubber blubber there you go they test me so yes so it's a block? Block-ba-ba. Block-ba. Rhombus Busters. Block-ba-ba. Block-ba-ba. There you go. They test me. So, yes. So, it's a nice little thing.

I've seen a few of these. They usually go for about a tenner, I think. Oh, no. This one sold originally for 15 bloody pound. What do you mean? Has it got a date on the back? No. 2018, this was published. 2018.

And there's also a massive play your cards right game as well, where I presume you get massive playing cards, so you can go higher, higher, lower. Look, 2018's a lot later than I thought, because Blockbusters doesn't have the same sort of cachet that it once did. No, but you know what this is? This is at Christmas in Debenhams or M&S by the counter. Yeah.

And it's like, oh, it's a retro TV show game, like Price is Right or Blankety Blank. You can play it with your family at Christmas. Yeah, it's one of them. So, yeah, it's a bit fun, because I've the proper board game of this you know the big plastic frame one with the plagues and the plagues the plagues yeah all the plagues and that's a solid board game item right right let's give you the questions unnecessary metal tin by the way can i say unnecessary but could have put it in a cardboard one but then it would have gotten damaged they

should have made it like a tin of I don't know tuna so you had to get can opener to get it wouldn't that be that would be fun wouldn't it

yeah but then you certainly can't sell it to kids because they tear their hands open on the frayed metal no kids are going to want a blockbuster

I disagree I think if you took this to the local primary school you'd get arrested stood outside holding it, clutching it to your chest. Right, I'm going to ask you the same questions I asked Eli.

Oh yeah. Which were, A, B and C, and the first question on each page, so it would be fair. Okay then. Question number one. And then I'll tell you afterwards if you, because you did it second in the timeline, I'll tell you if you beat them or not. Right, what A is the largest country in Africa by area?

Oh, man. I've been playing a lot of GeoGuess, so I should know this. Angola. Angola. Oh, no. The answer, unfortunately for you, is Algeria. Algeria.

I bet Eli got that right, didn't he? No, he didn't. What did he say? Australia. Australia, yeah. What a silly idiot. And then he laughed like a child his child's laugh yeah i'm sure that's just as torturous in my brain as it is in real life to

listen to right what b is a salty meaty drink made in burton on trent salty meaty so yeah salty meaty beefy drink yeah bovril is the right answer you got that right yeah he knows his Bovril. Yeah. Salty, meaty, beefy drink. Yeah, bovril is the right answer. You got that right, didn't you? You got that right, yeah. He knows his bovril. Yeah. But you're a man of bovril too. Well, I used to have it after I'd been swimming.

There was a vending machine that had cups of hot bovril come out of it. You could have tea, coffee, or hot bovril. You don't get that these days, do you? No. You can't go to Costa and say, can I have a large bovril, please? Imagine if there were bovril shops instead of coffee shops. I like

Bovril as a drink. I don't think I've ever had it. Nice. And it's just a salty meat drink. I'll make you one. Yeah? I'll make you a salty meat drink. Oh, I've been there before. Right. Well done. Thank you. Last question. What C is a pejorative

term for white people especially poor rural whites in some southern United States I want to sort of say country folk but that's not

that's not it read it again what C is a pejorative term for white people especially poor rural whites in some southern

United States did Eli say country oddly not that's a that's a nice he missed the trick there open goal there open goal yeah United States. Did Eli say cunts? Oddly not. He missed the trick there. Oh, goal there. Open goal. Say, oh man, tell me if he got it right.

He did get it right. Say, I'm only thinking Hicks. But this is one of those words where I think you'd see it a lot in 70s black exploitation movies. Cracker. Yeah, there you go. Cracker. What a strange question for Bob Holders to have potentially read that on the show. I'm not sure that that's

okay. Is that okay? I don't know. You know Bob Holness was a local celebrity to hear. No. Yeah. He was one of our two biggest celebrities in Barry Cryer. Well, okay, Barry Cryer but it was him and Claire Rayner.

Oh! Yeah! Did you ever see Bob Holness in the flesh? No, sadly. Oh, there's a little fact on here. I didn't see this before. Oh, about Bob Holness? No, it just says, Blockbuster Fact Buster.

Christopher Lee was the only actor in The Lord of the Rings to have met J.R.R. Tolkien. Oh. I think he's Tolkien out of his ass. Right. So how much do you think the Blockbusters game is? Wow.

It's a metal. It's a metal tin. Metal. And remember, your price ranges between four and five overall. I haven't forgotten that. Just want to make sure the game is fair. Oh, and it's magnetic. It is.

I'm going to say £4.20. No, because then the next two items would have to be 5p each, because the whole cumulative value of all three items is between £4 and £5. I didn't know that. I thought every item was between £4 and £5. Oh, in that case, then £2.50. £2.50.

£2.50. £2.50. £2.50. Two-fitty. £250. Two-fitty. Right. I'm going to take this back with me now to the past. And give Eli the second item on our conceit. Here we go. Beep-bop, beep, beep-boop-bop. Beep-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-bo Oh, there you are.

Instead of going to your temples, the hundred million worms of neon went straight to your balls. But mate, they've killed my bat wings. Oh, there's something. Time travel killed my bat wing balls. Oh, good. Bat wing balls. Item number two, Eli, okay? Yeah, I'm ready.

I'm ready for the second item. Is it the oblong item? It's not. Now, Eli, because you're first, you get to unwrap it. Biffo doesn't get to do that. So here's item number two. He's handed me... I can feel it.

Do you know what I think it is? What? Deck of cards. Let's find out. It's very much a deck can feel it. Do you know what I think it is? What? Deck of cards. Let's find out. It's very much a deck of cards shape. It does that feel. I can feel it squishing about. Yeah.

So I'm going to guess playing cards. Get your fingers in. Wrapped very nicely. Yeah, get your fingers in. Price of shite item number two. Price of shitey. Open it righty. Show us your nighty.

It's a bit flighty. Here we go. Take your time. No rush. Indeed, it is a bit flighty. Here we go. Take your time. Indeed, it is a pack of cards. It's a pack of cards. Marvin's Magic Miracle Cards. What makes them Marvin Magical Miracle Cards? They're marked in some way, I would have thought.

Do you think? Does it say on the pack what its system is? No, nothing on the pack, apart from it's Marvin's Magic. I'm just looking. There's no instruction cards or anything like that? There may be some instruction cards. Maybe it came with a bigger pack of something. Oh, I like that.

What is that? Oh, it's like a... Hypnotist's eye. Hypnotist's eye. So there's a special card which has an eye on it. Yeah. There's a couple of cards that don't... They're just like jokers.

Nothing magic about them? Nothing special? Can I have a little look? I think they are going to be cards that are marked. Because in the corners... There's no key. No, but you know in the corners, there are these little blossoms of flowers,

or whatever you want to call them. Rondelles. Yeah, what they tend to be is... So you see the petals? One of them will be raised in a certain position telling you the number, right? Yeah. Of the card.

Yeah. So I'm just going to look at this card see what i can see because one looks like it's laying on top and not into into weaved so because i used to have a pack of these when i was a kid so okay just looking at this one marked okay so one one two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven eleven what would be the 11th card if you had to imagine a jack a jack? A jack. So let's just say, is this a jack? Yes. All right, so it's a jack.

So the petal raised is there, which is the 11th petal raised, if you look at it clockwise. But I don't know how you would figure out whether it's a black or a red card. This one has no raised petal, so is this an ace? No, king. Is it a king? Okay. So all right, yeah.

But I can't figure out how you'd know if it's a black or a red card or diamond or whatever but they're on the cards yeah cards okay and i need a price for that you do need a price mr silver say one pound on the nose on the nose right okay one pound on the nose i'm now gonna jump back into i gotta take these cards with me mate give me them i'll see you in a minute give me the cards yeah take those i'll see. Give me them. I'll see you in a minute. Give me the cards. Yeah, take those. I'll see you in a minute. Right, I'll see you in a minute. Beep, bop, beep, bop, boop, beep, doop, bop, bop. Zip, bop, zip, da-doop, da-da-doop.

Zip, bop, zip, da-da-doop, da-da-doop. Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. Oh, God. I'm in balls. I'd loosen your belt if I were you. It's looking a bit stretched. I can feel... Oh, it's got teeth on now.

It's got dog's teeth on it. Testicular dentata. Yeah. And all along the length as well, so it opens up like a Venus flytrap. Oh, no. That's a bit Cronenberg-esque. It's biting at the kegs.

Come on, mate. It's a snapper. You've got a snapper. come on mate snapper you've got a snapper I've always wanted a little snapper between my legs

oh dear right we'll just have to crack on listen I brought the second item with me I'm so pleased there we go I brought it from the past

oh yeah there you go okay I said £2.50 for the last thing Marvin's Magic Miracle Card it's a pack of cards pack of cards

are they marked? Yes. We went through this with Eli. 75p. All right. Fair enough. I don't think there's much more to say about them. You know what?

You're right. It's a pack of cards. It is. Quite well-thumbed. Yeah. The packet is... What's the word? Crap.

A bit shitty. Yeah. Well, this probably came in a magic set with all this other stuff, and then this has ended up in a charity shop as a separate item now. Was Marvin a real person? I believe so. I believe so.

So he did set up the company? I mean, I'd have to. I mean, I don't have to. I think we have covered it on the podcast before, but I can't remember the details now. It always used to be when you went into Hamleys in London, there was a, you know. They still have that there, don't they? They still have a magic section with the staff doing magic. Doing the tricks.

And then other ones chucking gliders around. Yeah. So you're either going to get conned by a 15-year-old or struck in the face by a 20-year-old. Because sometimes I go in there and I want to look at the Lego. And then I see the hundreds of kids and parents and the over-eager Hamleys professionals doing their job. And I go, I can't take this.

See, that ground floor as well in Hamleys, which is full of all the stuffed toys, the really expensive stuffed toys, because they have life-sized giraffes that cuddle it. And you get some real poshos in there, don't you? You're rich parents with their shitty kids. Yeah, come on. Spoil little shitty brats.

Put down that STEM science kit. Put it down. Put it down. Put down that STEM signs kit. Put it down. Put it down. Put down the Lego. You can't have more Lego, et cetera, et cetera. Yes.

But then I was doing that and I realized that's the thing that you're doing on Digi at the moment. It's fine. Everyone accused me of ripping off Juicy Jeremy the other week because I think everyone needs to understand that talent wise,

when it comes to characters, we're very limited very very limited high-pitched voices low-pitched voices cockney scousers Bruce Forsythe that's it

that's it and the rest of it is just slight if barely visible variations on a theme yes so you know

the fact that one of our characters sounds like another is simply down to our poor lack of talent that's it bottom line we're not voice actors no I don't sit there watching your video and go one of our characters sounds like another, it's simply down to our poor lack of talent. That's it. Bottom line,

we're not voice actors. No, I don't sit there watching your video and go, how dare they steal from our character? How dare they? It's fine. You stole them from mine now by doing Monty's mum.

Yeah, it's all good. It's the circle of life, isn't it? It's the circle of life. Let's do a test. So there are raised leaves. So I know what the number on the card will be, but not necessarily the pack. What do you mean by raised leaves? It's the circle of life. Let's do a test. So there are raised leaves. So I know what the number on the card will be, but not necessarily the pack.

So I think... What do you mean by raised leaves? So on the back, you see these little circles? Yeah. Oh, some, but not actually literally. Are they embossed?

No, they are like petals around a little circle. Yeah. But each design has a different petal raised above the others. Right. So you know which card's which.

So theoretically, looking at this, this should be, I think, Jack. Yeah. Well, you just looked at that. No, I've know which card's which. So theoretically, looking at this, this should be, I think, Jack. Yeah. Well, you just looked at that. No, I've got to take one from the middle then. So how do you know?

Have you memorised the entire pack? The top of the card is the ace. And then each petal is one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine. So you don't have to memorise it. You just need to know the formula. Look at the formula. So looking at this, I think this will be, depending on if I've got it right,

it's either an ace or a two. Ace. All right, okay, so that's fine. So then this one is... I don't know. King. Yeah. That had no raised petals at all.

And that's how the trick works. So you can guess the number. That's about it. That's it. I don't have really... I've not got a lot more to say about a pack of cards. No. What about two pack of cards. No. What about two pack of cards?

The rapper. Was it two pack that got killed? I believe so. Yeah. Oh, that's a shame. Yeah, it was.

Yeah. I'll go into the. Here we go. Beep. Bop. Badoop. Badoop. Drink. Drink. Drink. The pick. The pick. The pick. The sa bop ba do bat do. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Drink a drink a drink. The pink, the pink, the pink. The saviour of the human race. Oh no. I've got bat wings back. It's given me my bat wings back. Your bat wing bollocks back. Yeah, and weirdly, a mohawk of hair right up the shaft of my penis. As they're bopping around in time,

giving your bat wing bollocks back on your ball sack. No, my balls look like a fucking boar now. Balls look like a boar. It looks like a wild boar. Instead of a bat wing bollock, ball your bag. They're not bat wings. No, they're not bat wings. They're, yeah, they're tusks. Okay, so I've got tusks on the side where my testicles used to be

and a mohawk of hair up my shaft. You've got tusk balls. I've got tusks on the side where my testicles used to be and a mohawk of hair up my shaft. You've got tusk balls. I've got tusk balls. Woo! Right, so Biffo's given me his score. Now I'm going to keep it a secret until I reveal it later. Right, so here's the third and final. Don't look so dejected.

It's the tusk ball thing, bro. Woo! You don't like my tusk balls? Well, hopefully when I jump back in time, they'll be different again. Because when I pop over to Biffo, they're different as well.

I bet they are. There's some kind of transmagnification happening in my groinal area every time I jump through time. Is Biffo putting up

with this shit from you? He's going to have to. So you're changing the future? Each time you jump back.

My movements are causing my body's physiology to change. Physiogamy. Physiology or ph physiology to change. Physiogamy. Physiology or philiogamy? Physiogamy, I think is what you're talking about. Right, well, I still can't say it. So we're not going to...

We're going to move on. Third and final item, Mr. Silverman. Okay. Looking forward to this one. Here we go, Mr. Silverman. Here's the third and final item. It's a mug. It's a mug.

Can't see what's on it yet, but it looks nice and colourful. Bit of paper in it to protect it from crackage. It's been very well protected. I'll try not to fling it across the room. No, don't fling it. It's a Super Mario Brothers mug, Paul. Oh, that's nice. One lump or two, Mario is saying as he pushes a red button.

That's very strict. It's not canon, is it? I don't believe that's something Mario would say. One lump or two! It's slightly off-brand. Yeah. This would have been early Mario, right? We're talking like NES days.

It's just 93. So it's a retro mug then. Cool. Because that logo is the original Mario Brothers game on the NES. Super Mario Brothers, yeah. But the design of Mario is circa 1990 Mario 3 Super Mario Land. I like it. It's a nice mug, isn't it?

Yeah. It's proper antique if you think how old it is as well. Yeah. Let's have a quick look at it if you don't mind. So there'll be pictures on our website. Don't you worry about that

so you can see what we're looking at. They wanted to make it T relevant to T. That's why they've done the one lump or two thing. It is. It's not very Mario, is it?

It is an official Nintendo mug because they put the seal on it. But frankly, after a certain number of years, that logo means fucking nothing now. Right. But the game never had him hitting of years, that logo means fucking nothing now. Right. But the game never had him hitting a red button and producing different coloured lumps.

No, he didn't press a red button, which launches a spring up into the air and fires two sugar cubes into the air. There's nothing like that in any of the games. Super Mario Cup of Tea. Super Mario Tea! I would play that. But there are teacups, aren't there,

in some of the levels on certain games, I think. I don't know. He does. Yes, because there are teacups, aren't there, in some of the levels on certain games, I think. I don't know. He does. Yes, because there are... Teacups? No, there are no teacups in Mario. There are levels that are made of cakes and stuff, aren't there?

But there's no teacups in the game. There's definitely teacups. No, there's no. There's definitely at least one Mario level. I don't believe there's ever been a teacup in a Mario game. There definitely has. Oh, shut your mouth. Shut it.

I'll see you in a sec then. I've got it. So you haven't given me a price yet. I'm going to knock one out. You haven't given me a price yet. It says buy. Nintendo Super Mario mug, buy. And then the name is on these two blue

bars that I can barely read. I can't even figure out what that says. So who is it by? It's like the designer of it or something. But you can't read it. You know there's writing on it. Oh yes. It's black on blue and it's very hard to see. Can you see what it says when you zoom in riniton confectory so you know what that suggests to me it's a tie-in with a

sweet thing this was an easter egg thing you got an egg wrapped up on top of this mug and that was the thing get a mug and an easter egg with some horrible candies in or something well deduced well deduced that's just i don't know for a fact, but that's what I would suggest. Do you think at that stage Nintendo were much more eager to sell the IP? Or lease it out? Or let people use it? Nintendo are very protective over their major IPs. That doesn't seem that protective. No, but...

That's not canon. No, it's not, but they don't care about that. The red lump. I guarantee you this is leaning on nostalgia. So when people buy this, it's because they're thinking of the old days of Mario and Nintendo. But it was manufactured in 1993, Paul. Yeah, but it still had an egg in. And by then, you've got to remember, there was only like four

Mario games at that point in 93. There was Super Mario Land, Lost Levels if you want to be anal, Super Mario 2, Super Mario 3. And maybe by 93, maybe you had Super Mario World. But that's it in terms of official Mario games. No Galaxy, no Yoshi's Island, no Super Mario Land games.

But my point is, it's not a nostalgia retro item. It's out of the era. It was manufactured in the era. Maybe. I can't tell you for sure what year this was made in. You can tell it's got a lot of wear on the inside. Look, like an old mug. No, no, no.

Because necessarily this means that this... All I'm saying is, there's a possibility that it's got a lot of wear on the inside look like an old mug no no because necessarily this means that this this all i'm saying is there's a possibility that it's called 1993 because that's when this artwork was licensed i think it was made in 93 either way there weren't that many mario games out comparatively speaking to today in 93 so well my question to you again i'll put it to you again were they were they looser with that lacing out their ip no they made cereal and all sorts back then they threw shit at the wall nintendo when they were looser yeah but this isn't this is nothing this is just can i stick mario on a mug and we put an egg with it and they went yeah i don't give a fuck yeah but can we also depict mario producing two different colored cubes with a spring and a red button yeah they did and he's wearing a cape

which suggests super mario world World was out at this time. So, again, let me ask you again, Paul. Do you think they would allow Mario to be used in that way these days? They still do. You can go into supermarkets around Christmas and you'll see this kind of shit. There are Mario all sorts.

It's bollocks. All I'm saying is they've managed to capitalise more. There are Mario all sorts. And there are Mario bollocks as well. Super Mario testicles! £1.50. Woohoo! I'm Super Mario sexy!

Yeah, he's just done a wanky gesture. Woohoo! They're not going to let me on the plane, Paul. It's a me! Why have I got flu right now? I can't talk. I've got to go back in time to see Biffo or into the future

no future going into the future now will I hope you're alright beep bop beep blablabla blablabla one clock

two o'clock three o'clock rock five o'clock eight o'clock rock gonna rock around the block oh

oh oh oh oh you'll be glad to know the snapper's gone. What's it turned into now? Full warthog. Oh, and he's got a drooling snout.

It looks like my penis is doing a stage production of The Lion King. Put it that way. Does it fart like he does? Is it Timon or Pumbaa? Timon and Pumbaa. Pumbaa's the warthog. Yeah, I've got a little Pumbaa down there. Timon round Pumba. Pumba's the warhol. Yeah, I've got a little Pumba down there. And a Timmo around the back.

I've got a third item. Third item for you to investigate and it is this. It's a mug. It's a mug! It's a Mario! It's a Mario mug! It's literally a Nintendo

Super Mario Brothers mug in a kind of sort of slightly retro style. One lump or two. Mario is saying... Eli had an issue with that saying you can't just put words in his mouth because he never said one lump or two in the game yeah true yes because they haven't they haven't really tried with what he's saying have they so it's not even like a pun because i said it's a tea yeah that's a good one just off the top of my head uh what i mean he hasn't got a lot of woohoo marion number two lumps of sugar mambo number five

so eli was like is this a retro mug from the past and i think it is from the 90s yeah it's got that vibe has it got a date on it no you're 1993 that says and he was saying well um oh it's dirty inside yeah it's not the cleanest mug it's probably been sufficiently clean for it to be safe but it's got a bit of tannin i would not want that unless i was just like collecting and put i wouldn't drink it no put it that way put a bunch of pens in yeah or an amiibo if you're an amiibo check out what's in my car there's nothing in there no it's an amiibo yeah got a nintendo amiibo in there i've got a thousand nintendo amoebas in there so let me just describe what's

happening here so this is a it's a caped mario for so from super mario world yes um which i believe was the first appearance of the caped Mario. I believe so, because he flew with a tail in three, didn't he? Did he fly? Yeah, he did. He had that in the Tanooki suit. Yes, he did. That kind of, yeah, like a sort of raccoon tail.

Yeah, whatever that was. It was this, yeah, he got the feather and then he ran and then he flew. So you've got Mario, he's punching the air and then he's also hitting a button, which is causing a spring to trigger and fire two, what I assume is sugar lumps. One is red, probably made with blood.

Yeah, blood lumps. And the other one is white, which is... Cocaine. Cocaine and blood lumps. That wasn't where my brain was going, but yes. I just filled him. That's firing them in. But he isn't giving you a choice.

He's asking one lump or two, but he's firing both lumps. So what a wanker. Yeah. What a presumptuous prick. But Eli was like, oh, there's been loads of them.

But I said to him, no, you've got to remember 93. There's only what, like six Mario games and all by that point, wasn't there? 93. Was it?

Well, okay. Well, maybe with his name on, but by 93... Like mainline Mario games, so not spin-off stuff like museum time travel Mario's missing. Are you including Super Mario Land in that?

Yes, because I think at that point you'd had Land and Land 2, you'd had 3, 2-2s and a 1, because there were 2-2 Mario 2s, weren't there? Mario Lost Levels, as it was known. Yeah, it all gets a bit complicated, Mario's sort of official timeline. Yeah, because he's been a doctor. He's been a doctor.

He's worked in a cement factory. You know what? I get the impression he's like that character from Catch Me If You Can. He was a con man. Oh, yeah. And so, like, Bowser is just like Tom Hanks from the IRA.

Not IRA. FBI. FBI. Bowser is Gerry Adams. Oh, no. Yeah. Is this safe? Is this okay?

So, what do you want to say was the mug? So, again, between £4 and £5 overall. So, I'm up to £3.25. £3.25. So, I'm going to say for the mug, So again, between four and five pounds overall. So I'm up to three twenty-five. Three twenty-five. So I'm going to say for the mug, one pound fifty.

One fifty. I know I'm sort of rounding up a little bit here, but no, one pound twenty-five. Sorry. I know that then. I will.

That is valid. It's locked in now though. Now it's locked in. Right. So I'm just going to jump into the past and tell Eli the sum up and then I'm going to come back

and then sum you up alright so here we go oh my balls beep bop beep bop beep oh there you are again oh no you're Paul I'm Eli Oh, Eli. There you are again, Eli. Oh, no, you're Paul.

I'm Eli. Yes. Time travel can do that to a man. It really is quite disconcerting and confusing, Paul. Eli, my penis. Oh, fuck. It's pristine. It's smooth.

And it's beautiful. And it feels great. I beg to differ. Well, I'll show you if you want to have a good old look at what time travel can do to my testes and wank shaft machine. Penis. Just say penis. Just say penis, Paul.

Stop trying to be clever and witty because it A, doesn't work. No, it's not working at all this week. Penis. This is terrible. Penis, penis. This is a low point. I'm hoping Biffo's picking it up at his end, frankly, at this point. I really hope Biffo's being fucking hilarious.

So, Biffo, I'm going to keep end frankly at this point I really hope Biffo's being fucking hilarious so Biffo I'm going to keep his scores private until we can I said when you were doing a prolapsed what prolapsed anus

when you were doing a prolapsed anus yeah yeah when I was doing my prolapsed anus penis work right so I told you the

fucking price £1.50 I said £1.50 for the mug you said so let's just go through your prices again. Okay. We've got Biffo's.

So, Eli, you said £1.80 for Blockbusters. £1.80 for the Blockbusters. £1 for the pack of Marvin cards. £1 on the nose for the pack of Marvin cards. And number three, which was the Mario mug, you said £1.50. I said £1.50 the Mario mug, Paul. Now, what's going to happen is I'm going to jump into the future and go back with Biffo. Please don't make a big noise.

And then when we're there, we'll contact you in America then and we'll reveal the scores then. Oh, I don't get to know today. No, you'll get to know at the same time as Biffo when I go jumping forward into the future with him

and then I can call you when you're in America. Well, I'm looking forward to talking to you from America. Yeah, it's going to be very exciting. A letter from America. Right, it's going to be very exciting. A letter from America. Right, I'm going into the future now. Oh, you're back.

Yeah, right. So the game is over. Now, I've locked in the prices. I'm going to sum you up now. Is the whole thing with the balls thing over as well? Is that done now? No, it's glistening now. Oh, it's glistening. So I reminded you that that was a thing that you up now. Is the whole thing with the balls thing over as well, is that done now? No, it's glistening now. Oh, it's glistening.

So I reminded you that that was a thing that you were doing. Yeah, and I'm glad you did because then it makes this whole thing seem seamless. Like your balls.

Yeah. It's absolutely textbook, my genitals, right now. You could eat your dinner off them. Are they like a sort of

early kind of CGI render of a cock and balls? Yes, my penis looks like a PS1 version of my junk. I was thinking early Pixar. Yeah, no, I was thinking of like Silent Hill. Oh, no.

I was thinking my penis now looks like Pyramid Head. Wobbly Polar Gons, you don't want that. Or those nurses. Confusing emotions with that game. Let me just tell you the score. Yeah, I'd love to know the scores.

I've gone into the past and I've told Eli the rundown and I'm going to give you a rundown now. This is your last chance to amend anything as well. No, I know I've been

sort of very much kind of rounding up to the fives. Yeah, but... It just, you know, we've got that whole within 25p, 20p. Either way, yeah.

Yeah, so I'm happy with where I'm at. I won't tell you who his scores because that's not fair, but you said £2.50 for the Blockbuster tin. You said 75p for the cards and the mug, £1.25. Are you happy with those scores? Yeah, let's stick with that.

All right, well, in that case, it's only appropriate now we bring this game to a close and I'm going to draw the timelines together and we're going to speak to Eli and you and reveal who is the king of Prince of Price of Shite this week. The king of Prince of Price of Shite.

Who is the Elvis who loves the artist Prince who likes playing the Price of Shite. The Elvis Prince Price of Shite. It's very easy. Elvis Prince Price of Shite. It's very easy. Elvis Prince Price of Shite. Elvis Prince Price of Shite.

Elvis Prince Price of Shite. Very simple. Elvis Prince Price of Shite. Right. I'm bringing the timelines together, Martha. Here we go. Going god oh i've brought the timelines together at last future and past meeting at last hello mr biffo yes i'm still here You're still here because it's the same week, isn't it? It's the same recording session.

It's not a different day or anything. Yeah, no. And Eli, are you there now in the time vortex? I'm in the vortex. Oh, he sounds a bit distant and echoey. He does. It's almost a nebulous wobble in the future that we can just about see with our eyes. He's like an ephemeral wraith.

Ephemeral wraith Eli, how about that? Yeah, I didn't like the second album. Anyway, you'll both be glad to know that my penis and balls have washed up perfectly by bringing the timelines together. They're not washed up on a beach, have they? No, they haven't. I hope not.

Some kind of time beach where balls roll up. A time beach? A time beach. A lovely beach and the time waves crash and leave my testicles and penis on the beach. On the shores of eternity. Anyway.

Right. I brought you both together in the time vortex to reveal the price of shite scores. Eli, how do you think you did? Here we go.

How do you think you did? I don't think I did very well. Why not? Why don't you think that? I don't do very well usually and I'm just, I'm hoping as usual for just one between oh one between well we'll see how we go uh before how do you think you did

because obviously eli's down on himself i'm still poorly i don't always do badly at price of shy eli always beats me i don't think i've ever won well against eli playing this i've tried to be i've tried to be as ignorant as i could so the reveal to me would be new to you too. So let's get going. I'm bringing the scores in. Here we go. So item number one in the price of shite

was the blockbusters game. Eli, you weren't too impressed with it nor were you, Biffo. Nah. There's a piece of shit. Shit? Shitbusters more like.

Shitbusters, yeah. That's a good joke. Knob wholeness. Which sounds like something a cowboy. That's a good joke. Knob holness. Which sounds like something a cowboy would wear in a sex film. Knob harness. Knob holster. Anyway. Anyway.

Eli, you said £1.80 for that. Now, again, I need to establish that. When Evend sent the items, he said, overall, when the prices were all totted up, it would be between £4 and £5 max, right? Hot, hot. Hot, hot, hot. So, Eli, you said £1.80.

Biffo, on this case, said £2.50 for the Blockbuster game. That sounds too high now that I'm reflecting upon it. Now, the price was £3 for that. Oh, what? £3. So even though no petwings are scored, Biffo does get the closest there in that respect. The closest shaving of a petwing.

So I will give you a half petwing should we get to a draw. A petwing. A petwing. Did someone say blob goldness or something like that? Bob Holness.

Bob Holness. Knob Harness. Knob Harness. Knob Holster. Bob Blob Bob. Blob Knobness. Knob Knobness. There we go.

Thanks for getting involved. Knob Knobness. Knob Knob Knob Knob Knob. Right, good. Right, so no points there for anyone. The mug now. The mug. Oh, yeah.

Eli said one pound for the mug. Eli said £1 for the mug and... What was on the mug again? Mario going, it's one lump or two. Oh yeah, weird. Do we think I think that's an actual vintage piece? What did Biffo think about that? Yeah, I think it's a relic, so to

speak. I mean, it was copyright or trademark on there, didn't't know from like 1986 or something they have the nintendo seal of quality which we all know only goes on the best products at nintendo release it was made out of bone china sorry what was that i bought a lovely case for my Switch Lite. Oh, that's nice. Thanks for adding that to this.

Yeah, nice. Well, look, you're protecting it, and that's nice, and that's the main thing, Eli. Well done. Right, so Eli said a pound for the mug, and Mr. Biffo said 75p. That's cheap, isn't it? Now that I'm realising these people are probably overpricing everything. Yeah, you just don't know.

But the score was, the actual price of the mug was £1. Eli gets two per twing. Biffo gets one per twing. Yes! FFS. Oh, so that's one, two and one. That's a stupid game. It's two and a half plays, one and a half per twings now. On to the final

item, which was the Marvin, oh actually it wasn't. In our order, we did game, Marvin then mug. We're doing it in a different order because I'm just doing Half per twings now. On to the final item, which was the Marvin... Oh, actually, it wasn't. In our order, we did game, Marvin, then mug. We're doing it in a different order because I'm just doing it as it's been written on the card. So, final item is Marvin's cards, the magic card set. Biffo said...

Not cards, yeah. Biffo said £1.25. Eli said £1.50. The price for the game. This price of shite across time the Marvin's cards were 50p

so no one gets between them but Eli reigns victorious with a two between score yeah whatever I like I want to always

play against you Mr Biffo because you're the only person I beat I'm coming off an extremely bad run of Scrabble

out here as well oh dear I've yet we've played about eight nine games and I beat. I'm coming off an extremely bad run of Scrabble out here as well. Oh, dear. I've yet... We've played about eight, nine games and I've yet to win one single game of Scrabble. What's your strategy with Scrabble? Do you just go for the triple words, double words,

try and block others? Do you add to it? Do you add to it or any pre-existing word? We've got all the two-letter words on laminates. That's sort of like a given, you know? Yeah. Which does improve the quality of play.

But I can't think of, I'm really bad at thinking. In general. Strategically in terms of, you know, vertical and anyway. You should try Bananagrams. Get your Bananagrams out.

That's a fun one. Pass the pig. Pass the pig. Eli, pass the pig Bananagrams. I'll feed your pig Banan the pig. Eli, pass the pig banana grams. I'll feed your pig banana grams. Okay.

Well, Eli, congratulations on winning this time-shunted edition of Price of Shite. Thank you very much. Those betweens will be cherished.

Now, I hope your journey home is safe, ready for a brand new episode next week, Eli. I hope you're fit and ready to go. Yes, it will be. And are you recording out there?

I will be, and I've picked up a couple of, basically, have you heard of street corn? Street corn? Not street chalf? Street corn? Street corn? It's the only corn I know. It's street

corn. It's, um, well, it's, street corn is actually what, when you eat the street corn, it becomes street chow afterwards, doesn't it? Yes, you can leave some behind. And then it becomes bog corn. Bog corn-ness. I've got street corn flavoured Cheetos, mate.

All right, good. See, you're having a lovely time out there. I'm sure you're having a wonderful time. All I need to know, Eli, is are you recording anything? Yes, I'll be recording some stuff later this week. Well, we look forward to it, because it might be the content for next week's episode, Eli. Or you're letting the whole audience down. I'll make sure I record a great little bit,

and thank you very much. Well, enjoy yourself out there in the future, or the past in Florida. It was the past. It was, well, yeah, but... At this point in the future or the past in Florida. It was the past. Well, yeah, but at this point in the episode, no one cares. Well, come on. Don't just abandon the entire thing now.

In the future. Eli of the future. Back in time or something. What happens in the future, Eli? No, he's in the past. I'm in the future. We're in the future, Eli. What do you want to know about the future? Nothing. Fair enough.

In that case, Eli, I'm going to close the time vortex. Nice to chat to you guys. Yes. Bye. Safe journey, Eli. I'm closing the vortex, Eli. Here we go. Bye.

Bye-bye. Okay. Bye. See you. Bye. Thank you, mate. Right. bye bye okay bye see ya bye thank you mate right I've closed the time portal

everything is in order what an exciting episode of Cheap Show this has been now obviously if you love Cheap Show why not express that

with supporting us on Twitter at the Cheap Show pod at Paul Gannon Show and Eli is not here so he can't give him his Twitter account. Also everything you need to know about the Cheap Show podcast is on our website thecheapshow.co.uk

there are links to merch and to episodes and to guides and to videos and all sorts it's all there if you want Stop Shop wherever you want to find us you'll find us there first. And finally if you can and you want to there is a Patreon patreon.com forward slash cheap show as I always say give what you can but only if you can and you want to, there is a Patreon. Patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show. As I always say, give what you can, but only if you can. Other than that, retweet on social media, all that kind of stuff. Spread the word. That helps us amazingly too. Now, Mr. Biffo.

Yes. I believe you have an event forthcoming that you'd like to tell all the boys and girls about this week on the show. Well, it seems to be that we are alternating years at the Harrow Arts Centre, and this year it is my turn to put on an event. Oh, yeah. It's like a sexy tag team, isn't it? It is a bit like a relay race

where we keep handing the baton to one another. Yeah. It's like, we've done it. It's your go. It's your go. And then you'll go. But you've got a much bigger event planned, haven't you? Yes.

The old silly little show. Yes. Well, that was stupid. People started saying they wanted to do it for the whole weekend so we booked the friday the 28th of july and saturday the 29th of july to celebrate digitizer's 30th anniversary because digitizer started out as a teletext page way back when uh and go back there in our time machine now if you want that i think we've finished with all that. Plus as well,

I value my balls. Yeah, no, I don't recommend it. Sorry, I interrupt. Go on. So we're going to have two days. You can come to both and there'll be two different shows

or you can just come to one or t'other and details are on www.digitiser2000.com Paul and Eli will of course be co-hosting the show with myself and my dear wife, Sanya.

Bless you. Thank you. They will be there, as will Ash Frith, Suze Kempner, hopefully Ashen's, hopefully Violet Berlin, Larry Bundy Jr.

And a whole bunch of other people. Hopefully that I haven't even asked. They'll all be on stage. They'll all be there. They'll be there and they'll mingle amongst you and it will be fun and silly. And if you enjoyed T-Show Live last year, this is going to be... It's like they're oningle amongst you and it will be fun and silly and if you enjoyed your show live last year this is uh gonna be it's like they're on steroids in it it's gonna be a full whack maybe michael bay version yes with explosions explosions car chases and car chases and talking

robots full frontal nudity well that will happen in time one day we will get to that point where you'll come out billy bollocks naked but doing venus as though you're costumed the emperor's new venus let's see two doctors quietly come on and just take you up to say well listen i'll tell you what we'll put a link on our website for your page as well thank you so when people come i'll update it this uh this week yeah i'll do that this week 28th 29th of july it's Chief Show and Digi again coming together.

No, it's the Digi. Chief Show will just be there for colour and flavour. Yeah, they're not getting their own segment this time because we've overran. But we're in all the segments. We pop up.

We're like worms. You're not my own worms. Like cheese mites. We're just wiggling through the cheese. Yeah, we'll be there. Listen, come along. These shows are always fantastic.

No one does shows like them so come and be a part of it this year lovely community as well lovely people lovely people so come and join

us have a laugh see shows that you wouldn't see usually and you'll see all your favourites there as well details on his website and my

website get your tickets now it'll be great yeah yeah right so I'm now going to use my time machine and wipe my memory of this episode and therefore

we no I'm not I'm just going to end bye bye bye I can't think of a witty ending wipe your

balls bum poo no that's how I'm ending it now and now I'm ending it with balls bum poo anyway take care everyone bye bye everyone thanks for having me bye bye I'm ending it now. And now I'm ending it with balls, bum, poo. Anyway, take care, everyone. Bye-bye, everyone.

Thanks for having me. Bye-bye. Follow me. Come on, follow me now, Mr. Brandovsky. Follow me. You're going to like this. But where is this place you're bringing me to? We had to go through three layers of security access to get in here, but you're going to love what I've got planned for you. This is insane. It's like a dungeon filled with all sorts of strange machines. Oh, it's a magical place. It's a very magical place.

And I want you to meet this magical lady. Her name is Marjorie Craddock. Marjorie, are you ready for us, Marjorie? Oh, hello there. Come over. Can I come in, love? Come over, yes. And who's this gentleman? Ah, this is the gentleman I was telling you about, Marjorie. This is Brandovsky himself.

Hello, madam. It is a pleasure to be in your wonderful emporium of machines, Ruff Ruff. Well, it's very nice to meet you as well, Mr Brandovsky. I hope you appreciate the work. Munro's been up all night. I am Munro, a busy beaver. He's been cranking the toggles and harnessing the oil chambers, pumping the hydraulics, all sorts of stuff. Now, did you get my specifications

for the build? Yes, we have the blueprints, we fed them into the machine. Munro is very complaining, he wanted to start a union. I said, Munro, you can't start a union. There's only one of you. Equal rights for Munro. All right, Munro, calm down or you won't have any supper. Now, look, listen. Are we ready to go forth and show Brandovsky what we've got planned? Yes, yes. Yes, Mr. Point. This way, please, both

of you. What is going on? Would you explain to me what we are in this strange place for? Arthur Point, you are running out of credit with my patience. Well, you know, we've got to launch the podcast to rival Cheap Show, right? Ah, yes, of course. We're going to stick it to them. We are going to fuck them up.

Well, we're going to need a few more copy characters because you'll lighten a few popular favorites. We need as many copy characters as we can possibly muster to bring down Cheap Shaw for everybody. Well, I've asked Marjorie to throw a little something together, and I think we're about to see the fruits of that labour. Oh, amazing. Look at this machine. It's a crazy machine. It seems to be popping out some actual living creatures. Monroe is ready to pull the leather. Okay, Monroe. Please crank them out if you would.

Monroe, crank. Oh, my God. What? Who is this? What is happening? They are coming to life, these gelatinous plants. I'm sentient. I'm I'm lady shitmekeks.

I've just done a great big shit in me pants. I'm Mike Splat. Mike Splat likes to splat the shat in me pants. I'm Mike Splat. Oh, hello. Mike Splat likes to splat the shit in your pants. Oh, Mike, love of my life. Please splat up the shit all up in my pants. Mike Splat, go splat now.

Splat, splat, splat, splat, splat. Oh. Splat, splat, splat. Oh, I love you, lady shit macaques. Oh, I love you, Mike Splat. I love you, lady shit macaques. I love you, Mike Splat. I'm going to do another big watery one. I am Monroe. You so familiar.

Oh, my God. Ruff, ruff. It is just like Madam Lady Props and Squishy Jim. So there you go. Two brand new knockoffs. Lady Shitmackax and Mike Splat. They'll be rivals and much-loved characters. Amazing. Oh, this is brilliant much-loved characters. Amazing. Oh, this is brilliant. Our plans are really coming together. Thank you, Mr. Point.

Ruff, ruff. No, don't thank me. Thank Barbara, whatever her fucking name is. I will be wanting payment for this. Don't worry, I've got that sorted. I've got that sorted. Don't you worry. I've got that sorted, ladies and gentlemen. God knows if he unionises, you know...

You don't need to worry about that. I'll have to pay him much more than... You won't have to worry, the money's in the bag. He's just been on gruel. That is fantastiche. Soon we will have the final pieces and we will stamp on the dead ashes of the cheap show! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ruffer!