CheapShow - Ep 335: Down and Out in The House of Pickles

Episode Date: June 2, 2023

There is a lot going on at the moment. Paul and Eli (but mostly Paul) are organising Urinevision 2023 (live on YouTube Friday 2nd June at 8pm GMT!) but Paul hasn’t got the time to mess about with all that “editing business”, so they’re going to deliver one of their patented “real time” episode. No cuts, no retakes, just 60 minutes of raw CheapShow action that dives into cheap spicy noodles, some limited edition flavoured soft drinks and, unfortunately, some bloody Durian Cookies. Obviously, this means this episode can’t end well. Will their stomachs survive the episode? Find out as the Cheap Chaps slap on the lapel mics and go a-wanderin’ around Eli’s abode. OH! We also announce the 10 finalists for Urinevision 2023 too! Listen in and find out if your track was lucky/unlucky enough to make it to the live show! Link below to head to CheapShow’s YouTube page to see the live “extravaganza”! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-335-down-out-the-house-of-pickles And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! WATCH URINEVISION 2023 LIVE on YouTube: Friday 2nd June 2023 @ 8pm GMT YT Channel: https://www.youtube.com/@cheapshow URINEVISION 2023 is coming LIVE 2nd JUNE on YouTube @ 8pm GMT, so catch up with our 2021 episode: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-232-urinevision-2021 MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow NEW ART: Get hold of Spunk.Rock’s exclusive new CheapShow Artwork: https://www.redbubble.com/i/t-shirt/CHEAPSHOW-EST-2016-by-spunkrock/115961855.WFLAH.XYZ www.instagram.com/spunk__rock Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Hello, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Paul Gannon, and we are doing Cheap Show on the move. Cheap Show on the move around my flat. Look, I'm walking. I'm walking. We're wearing lapel mics that we have been kindly donated by Tom. Tom, thank you very much. And so this week, my issue is this. Your vision, the big show, your vision,

as of this broadcast going out, what do you want to say? What do you want to say dickhead? Don't! Don't attack me immediately! You're just looking at me with disdain. I'm not... Look, the point is we're wearing these mics because we're doing a real time episode so I don't have to edit this week. Can I sit down? Yeah, sit down if you want. I'm standing up, I'm going to march about.

Listen mate, I like this, I'm going to march about. Listen, mate. I like this. I like this movement. We should clap again. We should clap again. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. Shut up. We're starting again. Yes. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Cheap Show. Now, this week, we are doing it real-time live. We're going to start at the beginning of the hour and end 60 minutes later. Shut up!

Hello, everyone. I'm Eli Silverman. That was Paul Gannon. He's the other guy who does this pod with us. And as he said... Wait, so I do this pod with us. So who else are you doing this podcast with? Me and all of my peoples.

I've already got the reverb in this room now that we're standing up going around this whole episode. It's going to sound like we're in a toilet I mean we are it's your flat look this is a cold open when we hit the credits we're going to start again and it's a 60 minute real time episode so I don't have to edit because your

envisions take a couple of my time this week that goes live on YouTube Friday evening 2nd of June at 8pm GMT UK time join us for a packed show that I'm stressing the fuck about right now now that would be tonight for people listening if you download this as it comes out on the Friday 2nd of June then yes tonight you will hear watch cheap show on YouTube doing your Envision live

yes but if they do then they'll they'll hear it again the next week because it'll be a podcast the next week so that's a bit of a bummer

isn't it because they have to listen to the same thing twice no well if you miss it the same episode twice if you miss it you can watch it on YouTube can't you

but if you don't you can listen to the podcast version if they do catch up on YouTube then they'll have to listen to it again as the audio version I don't want to listen to your Envision twice I'm listen to Urine Vision twice. I'm going to fucking punch you right in your stupid fucking face.

Right hard, right hard. Right hard in my gob. Yeah, I'm going to put my right hard fist in your gob. Yeah. I'll breathe in. Give you a knuckle big sandwich. You said my flat is a toilet. Let me take that back.

Okay. Your flat isn't a toilet, but your bedroom is. Well. Your bedroom is a stinky, but your bedroom is. Well. Your bedroom is a stinky, dirty hellscape. It's larder. It's a larder. It's a, yeah, lard. Emphasis on the lard.

Lard. Larder. Oh, woo. Larder and harder. You know, what is a toilet? What is this material? Yeah. Yeah, it is.

Shall we just get into the show? What are we doing on the show, though, today? We'll tell him once we come back, because we have to find a way to fill 60 minutes. Yes. So let's do that. Yeah, it is. Shall we just get into the show? What are we doing on the show though today? We'll tell them once we come back because we have to find a way to fill 60 minutes. Yes, so let's do that. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to a real-time episode of Cheap Show. Start the clock. After the credits.

When are we starting the clock? After the credits. It's not a real-time episode. Start the show. This isn't real-time. It is. Well, this is however long this show! This isn't real time. It is. Well, this, however long this be. You've ruined the cold open, either.

Great big intro, the credits were gonna come and then you had to say start the clock. Start the clock. Start my cock, more like. How do you start it? Oh, tickle its chin. You rev up the balls? Yeah, you grab them and go tickle, tickle. And then it really catches.

Like a kinetic energy. And it catches. Yeah. And then it goes boop, boop. Yeah, it goes boop, boop. Right, ladies and gentlemen, we've got a little. Like a kinetic energy. And it catches. Yeah. And then it goes, boop, boop. Yeah, it goes, boop, boop. Right, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Real Time Cheap Show. Start the clock.

Stop it. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show You're gonna have to learn to fucking accept Cheap Show Cheap Show It's the price of shite. Paul Gannon. Eli Silverman.

Welcome to Cheat Show. And I go and I nuzzle. Okay, okay. Are we good? Right, start the clocks. Start the clocks. Okay. So the clock's going.

This is madness. We're just marching around your room for no reason. It's not my room. Do you want to come in my room? Oh, yes, I would. You know what, though? I could, couldn't I? I could come in your room and you'd not know for days.

I would. There'd be a distinct odour. Like a big cat who comes home to his mate and there's a different spray in there. And he's not happy. I could sense musk. Someone better give me the liver. Priority liver. No, but I could easily just get one of your jean legs and just come in that. Anyone could do that. I could do that with you. I could chew some piece of unused clothing and smirk into it. You have big piles of clothes in your bedroom, right?

They go through the wash. I wash my clothes. Just take a sock, couldn't I? Bollock one out. Please, bollock one out. Please bollock one out in a sock. What have we got coming up on the show Paul? Well we're going to keep this real and fresh. I haven't even checked the time when we started. I didn't know when 60 minutes started. Right, we're fucked then. No, I'm going to set an alarm on my watch now and then take five minutes off. I have 55 minutes on the clock. By the time I started, five minutes should have gone by.

Yes. Yes. Yes. 55. Start a stopwatch for 55 minutes. I'm setting the time now, okay? Let me do it. Where's the... where's... why doesn't this... How do I set alarms? Did you see this piece of dickerware I've got in here? What's that mean?

That's the name of the company. Dicker. Mate. This is Dicker Wear, they make ceramics. Mate, I'm struggling to find the timer on my watch. Do you want me to do it? No, I can do it, I can do it. I've just got to find stopwatch and not alarm because it's a different system altogether,

isn't it? Right, here we go, scrolling, stopwatch. It's slipwear, Dicker, Dicker, slipwear. Right, we're going i'm just going to record go we've got 55 minutes go we're on the clock we're on the clock dick aware dick aware great content moving on right so week today today we're going to do a bit of food a bit of drink i'm going to end with something i'm not particularly looking forward to but it was sent in the PO box recently a very big PO box

this person sent a lot of stuff to us that will will pass out pass? pass out pass

pass out no I mean I pass I pass hey that happened didn't it the other day what? there was a question on the chase

or something or what's that other one? I think it was the chase on the chase or something. Yeah. What's that other one? I think it was the chase. And the answer was pass. So someone said pass. And the guy said, I'm sorry, but I have to say pass. Yeah.

And he got the point. Yeah, joke. But did he know the answer and said pass? So he said pass. Because he didn't know the answer. And then got the answer right because the answer was pass? Yes. Oh the rabbit hole of the logic of that. Well they did it. And then Bradley Walsh or whatever, has he produced the presenter? He presents it yeah. Yeah he said it's the first time in, I'm not doing a very good impression, but he said, no I'm not doing

an impression. He said oh that's the first time in history of game show that the answer has been pass. impression. He said, oh, that's the first time in history of game show that the answer has been passed. Oh, God, right. Come on, energy. We've got all this stuff, but the last thing we're going to try today is the Dorian cookies. And as a bonus for all the avid listeners, I'll be scoffing down seaweed and fish eggs. They've probably passed their best before. Yeah, we've got a noodle thing we're going to do. What is it?

Hot garlic, chings, secrets. It's not much of a secret. You can get it in the shops, can't you? That's one of my little bugbears, Paul. When people say, come and have my secrets. This way to the secret garden. A big sign. Come and enjoy our secret garden. I'm sorry. It's not a secret. No, it's not. Say something like cozy. Say something like private. Well, no, you'd say something like, don't come in here. You don't want to come in here. Yeah, it's not. Say something like cosy! Say something like private! Well, no, you'd say something like don't come in here. You don't want to come in here. Yeah, still not a secret. But then the people who would know would go, I can go in here. I mean, I'm sure there are some like speakeasy places where it does look like the door for something else. Yeah, maybe. Wasn't there a speakeasy place in London for a while where you had to go through a fridge into a special room?

A fridge, that was the one, yeah. And it was all cocktails and stuff, yeah. Whack a load of wine. Come on, that's nice, isn't it? It's a bit special. So Eli's got some sauce as well he wants to talk about in a little while, don't you? Yeah. And then we're going to do two drinks. We've got Tango Paradise Punch.

Now, I'm interested to know if this Paradise Punch is... Because Tango are taking over the Lilt, aren't they? And I've got a can of original Lilt in there because they've discontinued Lilt. So I'll be ready to taste test it against a Lilt when the lilt. And I've got a can of original lilt in there, because they've discontinued lilt, so I'll be ready to taste test it against a lilt when the time comes. I mean the lilt isn't gonna be the same combination, I mean when the time comes. No, Fanta, sorry not tango. This is a, what do you think Paradise Punch will involve flavouring? It's sort of fruit punch isn't it? It just says here it's a sugar-free orange and mango soft drink with tropical fruit flavour.

Yeah, it's that tropical, it's that pineapple mango spectrum, you know? One end is a pineapple. Tango additions, which absolutely means nothing. Tango additions. It's a special, it's a special edition. So you call it tango special edition, not tango additions as if they've got some bespoke, carefully crafted, bloody new drink. Limited additions. Ah, bollocks. And also, every now and then they pop up, and we've grabbed a new one.

It's a Coca-Cola Zero Sugar, ah, Creations. Coca-Cola Creations. We've done these in the past, haven't we? We've done three of them before. Yeah, we did that Marshmallow DJ one. We did the Space flavoured one, didn't we? Cosmos. Cosmos. Cosmic, whatever that was. That was the first one, the Cosmic one, wasn't it? Yeah, there was another one. We did the space flavoured one, didn't we? Cosmos. Cosmic. Cosmic. Whatever that was.

That was the first one, the Cosmic one, wasn't it? And the other one was... Strawberries. Strawberries and lime or something? And it was dreams. It was all dreamy. Some dreams in my dreams. Little dreams. This drink is called... I'm not paying attention to you when you just say dreams and wiggle your fingers. Dreams. Dreams. Dreams. I didn't finish talking about Tango Paradise Punch yet. Go on.

I've got other things to say about it, actually. And go on. Oh, dear. Hang on. Who's this? Who's this? He comes again. It is I, the Thought Thief.

I'm tiptoeing in. Oh, he's in my head again. Oh, what? Eli's Thoughts secret room. I'm going to break in. Oh, he's breaking in with his fingers. I'm doing sound effects live. Watch this.

Oh look, he's going to break something I own now. Oh, he's opened it. He's closed it. He's inside my brain stuff. I'm looking around for all these thoughts. But it is barren. But this room is barren. There's nothing in it here. There's nothing in there, Eli.

Is there ever? There was something, but you've hurt me. Is there nothing in there ever, Eli? You've hurt me. Is it just a load of nonsense words and things about willies and fannies, Eli? Is that what it is? Is that just what it is? Is that just what it is? Yes. Yeah, it is, isn't it?

It is, isn't it? It is, I want to say. So it's not really a thought room. It's more like a willy and fannies room, isn't it? It's more of a willy... Eli's willy and fanny room. How about that? I'll be looking forward to tasting that tango, though, Paradise Punch. Right, now we're going back to the Coca-Cola.

And they've called this... they've called this drink Movement. Movement's very good because it keeps you active and you move around and you burn energy and then you build muscle on your strong thighs. I've got a strong wrist. You know what it does? Willy and Fanny room, Eli. You're going to move in, are you? Moving into your Willy William Fanny Room, Eli. You're going to move in, are you? Moving into your William Fanny Room.

Right. So you know the patty had that one Coca-Cola drink was inspired by the DJ, Marshmello, or the artist. It was their tie-ins. They used this whole... These are Coca-Cola, diet Coca-Cola, special editions, essentially. And they're served in...

Not served. They're produced in... In little tins. Basically Red Bull cans. The smaller Red Bull... Yeah. Long cylindrical... Shut up!

Boring man. It's pink and black. But the reason why I'm bringing this up is because this time it's by the artist Rosalia. I don't know who that is. Must be a pop music artist. Well, it could be a proper, proper artist.

It's a whole thing, isn't it, with these that you can go on the website and you get to see exclusive things if you use the codes and the... There was a VR augmented reality thing. Oh, no, well, apparently this is the video game character, Rosalina from Super Mario Galaxy. No, it's not Rosalina, it's Rosalia.

Oh, it's corrected it for me when I didn't want it to. I hate it when the fucking internet does that. Well, it's the phone. Rosa, LIA. Spanish singer-songwriter. She must be huge. She likes pink. It's a Spanish singer-songwriter

born and raised on the outskirts of Barcelona. She's been described as an atypical pop star due to her genre-bending musical styles. Yeah, they all are. 30 years old she is. Quite old for a pop star due to her genre-bending musical styles. Yeah, they all are. 30 years old, she is. Quite old for a pop star. I mean, maybe, is she the one with Coca-Cola then?

Because I've never heard of her. Have you heard of her? These are tie-ins, so just like DJ Marshmello, for each edition of these Coca-Colas, they tie in with a different artist. The Grammy award-winning artist posted her collab with the drinks company on her Instagram. Rosalina's latest collaboration isn't a song,

it's a Coca-Cola flavour. The winner recorded herself drinking the new flavour called Move, where it says movement on the tin, so get it right. Oh, get it right. In a recent TikTok. Yeah, of course. It's all a load of fucking sell-out horse shit.

Do you know what I mean? It's the commodification of your whole career from the ground up. It's like there's no... Oh, wait. There's nowhere a Rosalia ends and Coca-Cola begins. It's all one great big fucking engagement. The release of the new Coke flavour also comes with a new single called LLYLM. Yeah, and I bet there's pictures of the Coke in the single and I bet she one of the lines in the single in the fucking

single is her going, oh my genre bending makes me thirsty for a bit of my movement Coke. Something like that. I bet she sounds like that. He's off now, he's gotten up now, he's engaged. It says here, while the drink doesn't have a traditional flavour such as cherry or vanilla, Coca-Cola says that movement is a tribute to the different phases of transformation, mixing a great but familiar cola taste with bold and delicate flavours. Of? Hello?

Can I translate that flavour description for you, Paul? It's got doodles also done by the artist, which is not very good. Oh, total shit. It's literally like shit of a heart. It's literally like someone's fucking pad that they used to have next to their phone. She hasn't even finished this.

This is sell-out shit. Go on, what was the point you were going to make? Yeah, that whole flavour description is translated. I'll tell you how it's going to taste. Go on. Like nothing.

Like sweetener. Yeah, vague coke, sweetener and some vile flavour they... When they say subtle, delicate didn't they say? Some delicate floral. Did they say? I bet it's gonna be like unpleasantly floral. Like a bit sort of... This is my prediction for this flavour profile. Horrible aspartame artificial sweetener. Right, well there you go. And then on top there's gonna be like an elderflowery, a sort of artificial elderflowerly,

um, lavendery... Maybe. Sort of grandma's knickers in a drawer with old spud balls. You mean you're selling me on it? Yes. See it doesn't even say... Spud balls. It just says,

flavoured soft drink. Yeah. With sweeteners. It doesn't even say like what elements, because even that other one said like strawberry and lime or something, didn't even say what elements, because even that other one said strawberry and lime or something, didn't it? Yes. Right, well we'll find that out later. Listen, what do you want to start the show? What do

you want to do? Do you want to do the noodles or what? Let's do the noodles now. We haven't talked about the noodles. Let's do it now. Let's take it next door. Right, let's do it. We're going next door with these noodles. We're just going to do these in the most basic way possible, Paul. Basic way. Come on, follow me. As long as you're happy there's no fish in here. No, there's no fish in here. Oh, the sound's gotten less echoey now we're coming here.

Well, it's closer in here in the hallway and now we're friends in the kitchen. Now we're in the main living room. We're walking around. It's like a walkabout episode, Eli. We're in your flat. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. I need to boil the water.

I need to boil the water. I need to boil the water. Now how many packets, how many millilitres does it say? I don't know. It's a small noodle. Look, you can look at the bloody pack while I prepare it. Right, I'm gonna have a look. Instructions. Here we go. Boil 250 mils of water. That's very low. One and a half cups it says here. That's very low isn't it. Add noodles and seasoning mix to the boiling water and cook for two to three minutes, stirring occasionally. That's very low isn't it. Who's that man on the front? That's Ching, is it? I don't know, he looks like a superhero. It says... No I think that's him. I think he's the mascot. These noodles by the way everyone have been made by Ching Secret.

And I love Desi. Desi Chinese. Desi is Bangladesh. Is it? Yes. Okay. And he looks like he's from that part of the world as well, doesn't he? I mean that's a horrible generalisation based on the looks of someone. No, I definitely think... Tut tut tut Eli. I bought this... Tut tut tut. Judging by appearance.

He doesn't look Chinese. You don't know. Tut tut Eli. Why are you tutting me? I like to tut you. Oh look, Paul. We're not doing records. Look Paul.

We're doing noodles right now Eli. I found a rare Minos record sleeve, picture sleeve. Not picture sleeve, company sleeve. We're not doing this. Because I've got another Minos record. This is crap, this one. This Minos record here. You don't want it, you've got it from the sleeve.

You've done that a lot lately. You asked me to get that, what was that label that had the sleeve? Remember, I said, oh look at this, and you went, oh get it for the sleeve. Oh, Trojan. It was a picture sleeve, the Trojan, the British reggae label. Yeah, I got you that, didn't I? Greyhound were the artist. Not very good, was it? No, it wasn't. It was a weird mix of styles. It almost felt like it was three different bands on that record. They basically made this sort of more polished stuff, which they tried to sell in the British market. And it has the strings and it's made of a

more sort of Motown-y sort of pop soul. But it was taste of reggae at certain points. Jimmy Cliff, things like his stuff is that kind of thing. It's very pop, pop orientated reggae. Alright, well come on, noodle time now. We're not talking about fucking records. That's a different episode. Look at this, I've got this special Caruso coffee jug thing which is used to get a nice thin stream into my filter coffee to spread the water around. But it also doubles as a noodle water measure, you can see. It does. You know what all jugs do?

All jugs are multifunction. Not all jugs. Yeah. What if it was a jug with a big hole in the bottom and someone had to smear this? It's not a fucking jug, then, is it? It's a fucking dick oil. No, it's a cum sleeve then, isn't it, then?

It's not. It's a jug. It's my dick oil jug. A jug with no bottom is no jug. Smell the dick hole jug. It's not the sleeve then, isn't it then? It's not, it's a jug. It's my dick oil jug. A jug with no bottom is no jug. Smell the dick hole jug. It's not the dick hole jug. At most, at most Eli, it's a cum pipe.

I'm going to put 300 in. Some will boil off. I'm doing this in a... So we're doing it in the... A wok, a large wok, which I do all of my noodles in now. We can wait for that to boil, because that has to boil. I want to see what the flavour packet looks like. Okay, I'm going to say there's going to be two sachets. There's only one.

One, and then... A little fork. No, that's the... I know, that's the biscuit. That's the biscuit of noodle. It's a very crumbly one. Stop taking it out of the packet, you fucking amateur! Because I was trying to get the sauce, wasn't I?

All right. I thought I was getting the package, wasn't I? Oh, I can smell the garlic coming off the noodles. Oh, did we tell them what the flavour was? It's hot garlic. Can you move your hand so I don't have the shadow in the shot, you wank? I believe that this is a Chinese product for the Bangladesh marketplace. Because that's what Desi is

and it has this weird I love Desi Chinese. Yeah, I mentioned that. We've mentioned that. How long have we got? We've got a load of shit to get through this week, man. It's 15 minutes,

so we've got about... We've done 20, so we've got about 40 left. Oh, we usually have a break. No, we don't have a break. Get my dick hole, Joe. I want to sniff the dick hole. It's a cum pipe. No, because you don't cum in it. Take a hit from the cum pipe. Move it to

the left. Take a hit from the cum pipe. I do suggest. Oh yeah. Suggest you move it to the left. Suggest you move it to the right. You'll get my cum pipe out and fill it with all your might. Right, we need to crack on mate because I've got nothing. So that's, I tell you what, while that's doing that, let's talk about your sauce report. I'll taste, no, I'll taste the eggs. Go get your sauce. I'll taste the eggs.

There's no such thing as eggs. There is. Why do people talk, why do people keep talking about eggs? This is the great thing now because Eli's gone next door and I can hear him. You can hear him as well but he's in a different room. He's grabbed the bag. He's coming. I heard you next door. What was I doing?

Just go, eh. I don't know. It was great when I heard you in your bedroom when I was setting this up and had the headphones in. And I'm just having a pee. And all I could hear in my left ear was you go, fuck Jesus Christ. Did you try and bend over and put your shoes on or whatever it was. It was just great. Anyway. Why does my mucosal come up?

Right. I don't know. Fish eggs. And don't deny the existence of those. I want to take a picture of this. Someone gave us these. Can you remember? It was ages ago now.

It's a long time ago, mate. And I'm very bad at keeping track of food sales. Someone, thank you. These are nori seaweed with these pink cod roe I think is it? Well they not have got, they dried eggs then. Roe. Roe. Roe. You both gently up my pipe. Now use your, you cock out, chuck your load. It's a lovely life. Stir, stir, stir my cum with some beer tin.

Make it milky, make it strong. And you've done a sin. Yeah, there you go. Don't let God see in your stir, stir in your milky way. God always will be watching you. No, if you put a special hood on. If you put a hood on, God can't see you wag. Now, these are...

We need to fucking start marketing that. These fish eggs and seaweed are definitely out of date. Because I can see 23rd of the 23rd there. So it's not... March this year. Okay, so it's not too far gone. You're probably all right for now. Oh, that's bubbling off.

It's bubbling hot, Eli. We'll keep that on the... On the low heat. Now, what I need from you, Paul, if it says use by, I mean, this wasn't a refrigerated product. No. I think you can probably get off the shelf.

If that's best before... Yeah. Well, is it best before or is it used by? I don't know what the law is these days because I know they've gotten rid of sell-by dates now. You can eat best before up to years after. It just won't be as good. That's what the saying is. There's a difference, isn't it? There's a use-by and a sell-by and they've gotten rid of the sell-by because it was getting rid of a lot of food pointlessly. Right. So that's irrelevant to what I'm discussing.

It depends on what that is, isn't it? I'm going to say used by. Should I do my lens on it and see what it says? That's what I'm getting at. Right, let's please lens this. I'm going to lens this. Lens it hard. Lens it.

Put your lens right up against it. I know, I'll hold it steady because obviously with your booze shakes. Lens spice. Oh, dribbles of lens spice. Right, this one. Right, lens straight in. Doesn't help me at all.

How can I translate that? Here we go, it's happening. Expiry date. So that means when you can eat it by. Oh. Give it a sniff. Right, he's opening it up. Smell the fanny. Oh.

Slight fish. Oh, it smells like a fishmonger's alleyway. Yes. Hurry up. Come on. I want to see what it looks like. Is it those booze shakes you've got which stop you from... Booze shakes?

You know, because when you hold things, your hands shake. Is that the booze? Yeah. No, it does. My hands do not shake. They do. They're like that. It must be the booze yeah no it does my hands do not shake they do they're like that it must be the booze they are not that's shaking all over the place mate that's terrible i will do a dexterity let's get you some help i will do a dexterity test against you hello listener i will do it against you let's listen to eli get gaslighted more by his supposed

best friend look at the eggs it's literally like some fish has come along and stuck their eggs on this. Yeah, I'm gonna take a picture of that as well. Oh, it's all pink eggs on a square piece of nori seaweed, which is the same kind of seaweed they use to wrap sushi in, Paul. I thought they would have, erm... like, had separate things you could apply it yourself. No, it's glued on. How weird.

I wonder what the glue is. Well, I mean... Spank. I'm going to say spunk, yeah. Right, I'm going to eat one of these for science. For science. They've expired. Yeah.

And maybe you will too. They're in. He's having a tough time there. And he's not enjoying it. And that's the face of a puckered arsehole if ever I saw one. Woo. Yeah what's going on? Oh he's having another one then. They're fishy. Yeah. Crispy. Yeah. But. And then salty and chilli. There's chilli there. Okay. But I mean you're pulling faces that. Just because it was such an intense flavour burst. But it doesn't taste off. And the

nori I don't know if've ever had nori by itself. It's dry and then it moistens. I used to get it from a mate of mine up the road called Jack. So every now and then I would go and... Shut up. I'm not... No, I will not speak for him to this. When I would go, I would just go,

get some Jackanory in. You know what I mean? Jackanory. That's the gag. That's the gag. Jackanory. Paul. Jackanory. That's the gag. That's the gag. Jackanory. Paul. Jackanory.

Yes. I'll tell you what, Paul. Yeah. In order to... Jackanory. Get these eggs to stick to this nori, you'd have to jack onto the nori. Jackanory.

I'll go Jackanory. It's actually, that's where they got the name of the TV series. Because Bernie Krivers would come onto some fish. No, from the Japanese, it's a royal Japanese imperial tradition of jacking on nori. Right, let's do the noodles then because we're all out of nori gags.

Don't ignore me. Don't ignore me. I mean, to a large percentage of the audience who listen abroad, they don't know what jackanori is, and that's fine. Jackanory was a story time. It was a story time for kids on the kids' afternoon programming part of the day.

And it'd usually be like a well-known British celebrity reading a truncated version of a children's book over a number of episodes. And if people want to dive into what is my favourite, then look up Rick Mayall reading George's Marvellous Medicine. It's fucking great. That's good, yeah. Tom Baker did them as well. I mean, like Bernard Cribbins, Tom Baker. Cribbins is in there. That's another thing that came up from last week, Paul. What?

Cribbins sounds like Roger Daltrey. Yeah, that's what I was saying. You know when we were sitting there listening last week and I was like, that didn't sound like Daltrey. And I was trying to think who it was, but it was like, when you listen to it, he sounds like Bernard Cribbins. He's doing a Cribbins. No, I just think that's his reading voice. Weird.

I'm putting the noodle in, by the way, now. Yeah, he's putting it all in. It's very shallow, isn't it? Very shallow noodle. That's it. What you do it, because it's not, it's only a small amount of water they're called for. Yeah.

It's more of a sort of saucy than a soupy noodle that they go for, I think. Yeah. It says you have to add the mixture now. Because it says on the side. It says put it in now, but I just don't. Add noodles and seasoning mix to the boiling water. I just don't think you should. Two to three minutes.

I don't believe in that. I think you can mix it in the bowl beforehand. I mean, it's up to you, but maybe the water helps it somehow. It does not. Alright, well you're the expert Eli. As ever. As is my want, my little thing is I put the powder in the bottom of the bowl and I'm going to eat the noodle in. Then I pour the hot noodle with the liquid onto that, give it a stir.

You need to flip that noodle over so it gets moist. I do need to flip and break it. Flip and break it. I'll do it, don't worry. Don't you swear me like. Now Paul, look at this technique as I ease the top uncooked element over. Flip it just gently over.

Just a gentle flip flop. This is one of the peculiarities of doing it in a wok. This is a flat bottomed wok. But it has got quite a wide base which means the water shallows out which means that the noodle pad itself sometimes protrudes above the surface of the boiling water. And that means you have to do it in a two-time thing.

And the way I did, I'll just a little flick it over, a little flick it over and then... Oh I'm gonna eat some noodles tonight. You're gonna eat some noodles tonight baby. Oh I'm gonna do it in the pale moonlight. We just gotta keep vamping for another two to three minutes. We're gonna mix this noodle down. Flat bottom wok. It makes the instant noodle go round. It does, yes. Well done. Flat bottom wok. See what I did?

You didn't manage to say yop. Yop. Yop. Yop. I hope this noodleop. Yop. Yop. Yop. Yop. Yop. Yop. Yop. I hope this noodle doesn't make you yov. Yop. I like yop better, stick with that. Well, do you think that noodle's almost done there?

It's got a bit creamy. It's got a bit misty in there, hasn't it? There's some garlic flavour baked into the actual noodle pad itself, I believe. Is there? Yes. Smell it. Smell it. Oh, fucking stop flicking the sauce around.

I've got fucking garlic sauce on me top now. That's garlic. All right, well then stop. And that's the hot. Stop swinging your instrument around like the Swedish chef from Muppet Show. I haven't sniffed it yet. There's a lot of garlic coming off the noodle.

I can't smell it that much. So does the water go in? I guess you do. All right. All right, I'll turn that off. Off. So does the water go in? You don't, I guess you do. All right. All right, I'll turn that off. Off. Look, perfect. Hob off. All of it's, ooh.

Oh, hob off. It looks good, actually. And it's how much, I mean, we don't know how much it was because it was given to us, wasn't it? It was cheap. It's just a one packer and it's small and it only calls for 250 mil of, so it is a classic.

It's a classic thing. It's a classic thing. It's a classic thing and it's got some kind of superhero. He looks like a Bollywood... We've mentioned this. We've already gone through this.

Stop turning this into fucking Last of the Summer Wine. Why is it Last of the Summer Wine? It's just two old men going, did we do this?

Did we do that? We're getting to that part of the podcast history now where people start going, oh, you know you mentioned that in episode 37. And it's like, no. We churn these out without care and attention.

We just hope for the best weekly. I need you to niff-naff-naff on the noodle broth. It kind of smells a bit like tomatoey sick. Oh, it's a lot of garlic. A lot of garlic. Are you ready? I haven't got a fork. Get yourself a fork. Here. No, I garlic. Are you ready? I've got a fork. Get yourself a fork. Here.

No, I've got one this one. I've got here. You've got one? I've got one this one. Nice noodle. Standard business. Standard business. No pimping. I like the smell and I like the way that the noodle was in the pack rather than the... was in the noodle. Oh.

Yeah, that's all right, that. But maybe I don't like the tomato base. Oh, that's got a stronger kick than I thought it was going to have. It's hot, baby. Oh, that's nice. I'm going to go for just a little sop. Yeah, well, but that's spicy on a cold winter's night, right? That's good. I like it.

It's all right, actually. Yeah. Does exactly what it says on the packet. Oh Oh I've got sauce all over my hand now. Ah, does exactly what it says on the packet. It is spicy and garlicky and I mean what more could one ask for? You know what, yeah, for what it is, that's quite tasty. Because up front it's kind of tomatoey, right? And you get that tomato base and then at the end, the back end, is when the kind of warmth of the garlic comes in and then the warmth of the chilli heat coming. Sorry to correct you but I don't think there's any tomato in there. But you don't agree with me that that tastes like a tomato base? No. That to me tastes

like a tomato base. It is red but that's from the chilli. Is it a sweet pepper in there as well or something? Because seriously I'm not making this up by saying there's a tomato element to that. Hmm. Do you not agree? No. Well, I think it's that thing. I think that people, when they taste the... They taste garlic and chilli together, they imagine the taste of tomato.

Because, I'll tell you what my proof of this is. Every time, on Barshans, where Stuart would talk about s Sriracha he'd go, it's so tomatoey and I had to stand up and correct him and say there's no tomato in it. There's no tomato in it. Yeah, that's true. I remember that. And I think it's the same thing going on here. Yeah, you might be right. Alright, I'll give you that. You're reading tomatoey from some kind of combination of the chilli. Yes. Well, I mean... Because you would... would you agree with Stuart that perhaps you would easily think that... Oh, I did for years. I thought it was...

That Sriracha had tomato. Genuinely. And when it was like, no, it's just garlic and peppers, I was like... And sugar. Yeah. And sugar. But, I mean, it's not that the tomato flavour there is a problem for me. I'm just saying that to me, it gives you a kind of like Bolognese flavour up front.

Yes. It's the umami. It's the umami of the tomato. Because tomato has a lot of umami flavour up front. Yes. It's the umami. It's the umami of the tomato. Because tomato has a lot of umami flavour. Yeah. So I think it's that. This has umami as well. This garlic has umami.

So it's fooling... It's that mouthfeel, that sort of brothy... That brothy fullness. Yeah. Isn't it? Brothy fullness. Now, I've got an issue. We've already done 40 minutes.

No, no, no. Out of the blue, I have got the most desperate urge to poo. Poo. And I'm thinking, do I... You have to turn your mic off. I'll have to deal with it.

No, here's the thing. Do we cross that boundary in life? We do. Do we have a segment of the podcast where everyone hears me defecate? Absolutely not. The warm shuffle of brown matter come out of my back. I know that's what

you want. With the pita pata of splash down. That's what you want. What other podcast in the world can say their presenter has had a big hard poo on the show live? How many? Frankly, I'm not interested in how many. How many? Because it's depraved

and you've crossed the line there. Just by suggesting it, you've crossed the line. From metaphorical poo into actual shit up your bum. That will come out. Now, turn. This is how we're going to deal with this now. I'll tell you this now. I can bite it back.

I can bite back on it until we're done. We don't know. I didn't. Mate, I think I can happily. How long have we got? Right, we've done half an hour, right? So... Is it gonna be another, Paul needs a shit for about two thirds of it? No, I think if I... I can swallow it back up. You know what I mean?

I do know what you mean, I wish I didn't. I can reverse throat it. Or something. And I can just pop it back up... Do the Elon Musk tunnel something along those lines. Yeah that worked, that was a good analogy to make. Paul, right, enough of this distraction. I want the last word on the noodle from you. Can I give it a score? Out of five. I would give that a solid 3.75. With a bit of pimping that could be quite special. It'll be nice. You know what is really good? What? Go on. It's got a lot of flavour and when it says hot it is hot and when it says garlicky it is hot and garlicky. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It does what it says on the tin.

It's a nice strongly flavoured noodle. Yeah. There is a bit of, I think there was a sort of cornflour coming off the noodle. Oh, by the way keep listening because at the end of this week's episode we're going to announce the ten tracks chosen for your Envision 2023. It could be you! We had a shitload of entries this year

and it was hard to get them down to ten but we did and they've been sent out to the judges and this Friday those ten songs will be pitted

against each other in a musical battle royale. Judges including Unless They Let let me down last minute, Nick Helms, Suze Kempner, Brian Wecht from Ninja Sex Party, Stuart Ashen's Biffo, celebrity guest Ethan Lawrence. Who else? Who else is doing it? Loads. Ash Frith is going to be a judge.

And I'm sure a few more. Oh, Paul Putner. We've got loads. Hopefully 10 judges, 10 songs. And we'll announce those songs at the end of this week's episode. Right, Eli, have you finished eating that now? Almost. I mean, all right.

Oh, it's good. It's burning. I'm going to go and get the drinks and bring them in. Okay. So I'm going to do that. Eli's going to be just in the kitchen, aren't you, Eli? I'll get some ice out. Yeah, good. He's going to get some ice out. Yeah, good.

He's gonna get some ice out, so I'm gonna grab this, and that, and that's this. And I am now in a separate room to Eli, and yet you can hear us both. Isn't more fucking exciting shit, innit? Come on, where you going? I need to cough, I can't... I'll cut that one out. Yeah, because that was disgusting. Even with the mic covered. I felt it in my ear.

Right, come on. That's ten pence you owe me now for an edit. Every time you make me edit this podcast, it's ten pence. Right, stop wiping yourself. Right, we're going to try these drinks. Now, here's what I'm thinking, actually. Here's what I'm thinking. What are you thinking mate? We've got these Dorian fucking cookies right and maybe we want to wash them down with

something or do you want to save it to the end? Save it to the end, we can always wash it down with something after we finish rolling. True, true, true, true, true. But we should take these cold, you know, as we've got the facility. They have been in the fridge but obviously in the travel to get here today they have warmed up considerably. So although not hot, they are less than icy cold but they have been kept in the fridge for a week. Okay, let's get this going. I think we should do the tango first because I'm least interested by it. That's popping up everywhere now. It's obviously one of their major, they call it addition, but it's obviously. Bollocks. Right, let's give it a go. Oh.

Smells like one of those lollipops. You know, like those kind of strawberry lollipops you get. Oh, I'm getting, no, I'm getting distinct. Like Quattro or whatever. Susie Quattro? I wish. I used to fucking love that Quatro drink. Quatro?

Quatro. Quatro. Quatro. It's one of those weird things where, like, in my head I can almost taste it when I think back, but I can't, obviously. It tasted like that. It didn't, because it was more kind of lime and citrusy.

No, I'm thinking of Umbongo. Sorry, I'm thinking of Umbongo. Oh, it might have an Umbongo. It definitely has an Umbongo smell. Yeah, a little Umbongo. Or what was the other one? Five Alive. Five Alive. Yeah. Very Five Alive. It's just that cheap, generic tropical fruit. They must have one

molecule that can stand in for like mango, pineapple or banana, essentially. Do you know? Right. Right. Down the hatch. This is the totally tropical, not totally, paradise punch. Paradise punch. What makes us... Oh, yeah, we'll get into that in a minute. Here's the drink. Oh, it's very sweet.

Sweet almost to the point where you can't taste any flavours. It's not very good, is it? It's just got that sweet note, and then there's just that generic... Oh, I don't like... I mean, it's not horrible, but it's way too sweet. It's sugar-free though, Paul. And it doesn't have that... The tropical flavour is masking the aspartame.

No, it's not. I can taste that front and centre. I really can. Maybe it's just my particular taste buds, but I'm overwhelmed by aspartame sweetener sweetener. And at the back... Yeah, I suppose you're right. At the back, I get a little bit of that whatever pineapple-y mango-y thing. The tropical fruit molecule.

Yeah, it's crap. Cheap crap Tango, must do better. But you don't like any sugar-free drinks essentially. That's not true. I'm sure there's one or two I could point to and go that's actually quite nice but by and large the sweetener puts me off. I'm pretty sure there's something that we've had recently that had sweetener in it and I was like oh that's a surprise that's quite lovely. Really? Yeah. Well I think as underwhelming as that tango was Paul, I think that this... I'm taking a picture of myself for the website. Movement flavoured Coca-Cola zero sugar is gonna be doubly.

Doubly bad. Doubly bad. All right, well, let's find out. I'm just going to take another little picture. It's all happening live. It's all here. It's all happening. Okay, are you ready for the Coca-Cola zero sugar movement?

Yeah. Tie in. It's almost when they say, oh, yeah, it's fruit flavoured. It's like we could literally not be asked to even fucking think about what the fuck. Or send an email to the fucking flavour department. What did you put in this? I don't fucking know. It's like we could literally not be arsed to even fucking think about what the fuck... Or send an email to the fucking flavour department. What did you put in this? I don't fucking know. It's flavoured. Hello.

Hello. Is that Rosalina? Whatever the fuck your name is. Hello. I'm Donald Coca-Cola. And I'm just colon to talk about this new fucking flavour. We thought we'd put your... Yeah, I'm very excited about it, Mr Donald Coca-Cola.

Now, it's just this fucking shit flavour. It's basically Coca... What flavour is it, though? I don't fucking know. I need to tell my Instagram followers what flavour it is. Probably fucking Mango and Star Dreams or fucking something. It's Mango and Star Dreams. That's the flavour I used in this.

Anyway, love. My fanny. We want to use your fucking name on this. So how about we give you 10 mil? All right. Yeah, 10 mil. Do you want me to do some drawings? No, not now.

No, if you have to. I'll drawings no not now if you have to I'll do some drawings if you have to love but we're not bothered oh me fat right well I'm going to go love star dream vagina I'm going to go now bye everyone I'm Donald Coca-Cola bye

successful business meeting that's why I make the big CEO money and don't pay my staff. Honestly, these doodle drawings by Rosalia are a joke on this can. They're barely scrolls. They're barely anything of note.

I mean, it's like she took 20 seconds to do it. Is that how busy she is? She's Instagramming and TikToking herself. Here's what I will say. Maybe she gave a big pantheon of art to them. A lot of different drawings.

They went, oh, that's too big. That's too ornate. That has a penis in it. Yeah. Right, that's another 10p you because I'm going to have to edit that out now as well. No, you won't. I am.

I'm going to have to. Oh, starfax. You can't fucking know. You can't just objectify a woman you don't know because it makes... I wasn't objectifying. I said she... Why would she do that? You don't know the inner makes... I wasn't objectifying. I said she... Why would she do that?

You don't know the inner life of Rosalia. Do you draw yourself... ...all the time? I'd like to see that on the side of the couch. I do it in my dream journal every morning so I can lucid dream. Just drink this fucking drink. Fetch.

Oh, my fetch. Stop it. I'm sure she's a very good artist with integrity. Oh, my fetch smells of tar star mango. Please. Just fucking... Oh, I leave a star-shaped wet print. I will kick you in between the legs with my shoes on.

Fetch. I'm just going to fucking do it myself. No, I'm going to snuff snuff this. We can't drink things if you keep squatting and grabbing your crotch for a laugh. Because that's what you're doing. The fetch. Stop doing that. grabbing your crotch for a laugh. Because that's what you're doing. It's fetch. Stop doing that. Use your hand to open the tin.

It's hard to do a podcast. We're running out of time, mate. Yeah, because you keep grabbing your crotch and going fetch. I'm doing this myself. Do it, but let me smell it. Here we go. This smells like my nan's drawers. I told you it would. Yeah, you did. Maybe that's where I've got that. Smell it. Here we go. This smells like my nan's drawers. I told you it would.

Did I say it? Yeah, you did. Maybe that's where I've got that. Smell it. That's when they say nuanced and delicate. It's going to be something horribly artificially floral. Nanny's floral knickers. What do you think?

There is a... I can't even tell you what that would try and be, flavour-wise. I'm getting caramel. That's the cola. There's a sort of cinnamon. That's it. There's a sort of cinnamy cloves almost. That's what your nan draw. They use the cloth mothball in.

A tiny bit of lavender-y kind of thing. That's exactly what I said. Because they're going with her image. It's pink and black art. Which is kind of like emo-y obviously. Well, we'll find out. Will it be a brown drink? A little bit spicy.

Yeah, it'll be coke-coloured, I reckon. Yeah, there you go. It's a classic coke-coloured drink. Can't go wrong. Oh, excuse me. Right. I'm not going to have much of this. I bet this is worse.

Well, we'll find out, because, you know, they've not all been awful, but they've all been, like, massively underwhelming. Right, here we go. There's coconut in that as well. There's a sort of coconut. Yes. Yes, there was a weird coconut in that as well there's a sort of coconut yes yes there was a weird coconut thing going on in there

I just smelled it but overwashed by the aspartame or the sweetener I keep saying aspartame because it might not be that but it's the sweetener oh that's like

it's like Malibu that is someone it's like someone put a fucking suntan lotion in a in a do you know if you had like a Malibu Coke, but the Malibu wasn't alcoholic?

There's a soapiness to the finish on that. That's not good. God, that might be the worst fucking one we've had. Coconut Coca-Cola. It is what it is, yeah. Coconut Cola. In itself, an interesting theory. That's all I'm getting.

But here's my question. Would it taste better if it didn't have the sweetener in it? If it was a full fat sugar version of it? I don't, I'm not put off by the sweetener, but I just say that's bad. It has a soapy,

I think they've constructed this to make people feel like they're on holiday because it reminds me of so much. Pina Colada. And suntan lotion. Yeah. You know what I mean? It has a suntan lotion-y finish.

Oh God. I think they're just manipulating people's brain stems directly with just associations and the flavour geniuses there. That's why they didn't

want to say anything. That's why they're just like, yeah, we're going to make it so it's fucking addictive and then they're going to run out of it because it's a limited edition

and then everyone's going to clamour for it. You know? But they won't. What will happen is they'll end up in a 60p bloody bargain shelf at the Tesco at the end of the week. They keep putting these out, don't they? This is the fourth one we know of. Yeah, but they probably

can afford to because they don't do a massive turnover of them. They're limited so they're not going to lose that much money. And also they can toss it off, can't they? Because they do 18 different flavors of Coke now. I mean, these are all just equally bad so far. That is not good. That's not a nice option.

I would say the Tango is better. The Tango is definitely better. Oh, I've got a weird coconut-y fart scent in my mouth. Very bad. Now, Paul, how long have we got? Because we've got to tell you the shortlist for your envision. Should we do that now then? And then finish with the Dorian Cookies?

Yeah, because the Dorian Cookies, I mean, depending on... Oh look, here's another thing I'll mention, Paul. I bought a new copy of the London Compendium.

Yeah. This is John Rogers' Bible when he walks around London because it has... John Rogers, if you don't know, is a YouTuber who just walks around London

mostly and we like it. But he uses this to reference because it has literally like history and little things about all street names and areas and everything.

I managed to get this hardback one, but that's not very good for carrying around when you're out and about. But I found this smaller. But it's exactly the same? Yeah. Content-wise. I'm going to get rid of this hardback one. Okay, cool. And when we go out and about, I'm going to take that with us.

Because you know I got that little box of London walks. It's like a little box of cards in it and you pull them out. But that's good though because maybe for Patreon we could do an episode where we go flitter flitter flitter random grab one and then do that walk that would be cool that would be cool we could do that

and some of them aren't very long walk no they're little some of them are sort of more central and more urban and things so we could try that but that is the

London Compendium by Ed Glynert and it's a useful little thing that what does Dorian taste like Dorian is taste is subjective it's been linked

to rotten eggs due to its pungent smell. Yet others describe it as a strange combination of whipped cream, vanilla ice cream, diced garlic, onions, cheese and caramel all at once. Yeah. That doesn't even fucking impress me. That doesn't impress you? Dorian cookies are a unique tropical fruit from Southeast Asia that tastes like cross-tree bananas and cream cheese. But is that the same thing? And maybe they're just like nuglet versions of it. Yeah, it's just an ingredient. They probably make different little... These are small cookies. They look like bonbon-sized nugs.

Yeah. What is the smell of durian? It's smell... Nappies. Rotten onions, turpentine and raw sewage. Why would anyone want to eat this then? Full stop. Because people like the flavour of it. By dollar. Have you ever been in Chinatown? Not the band Donna. Dollar. Band dollar. Or the kebab Donna. Or the mad Donna. The singer. Or Donna Summer. Donna Karen. Donna Summer. And Donna Summer. Yeah. And Donna Winter. Right, we've done all the Donnas now. So, do you want to do this?

Maradona. Let's do the entries. Maradona, the footballer, Paul. Let's do the entries for your Envision 2023. We're now going to announce the 10 tracks we've chosen for your Envision 2023. Hey, Maradona. On YouTube on 2nd of June, Friday night, 8pm UK time.

And then we'll be up on YouTube afterwards forever. Or until the system and everyone involved burns it down. There's that 10cc song called Donna as well. I don't got nothing. You've got nothing. I've got Donnas. You've got no Donnas. I've got...

No Donna you. No Donna man you. You don't do Donna. I do do Donna. no Donners. No Donner you. No Donner man you. You don't do Donner. I do do Donner. Oh, Donner. That's the one. You've got me. No, you may.

Dropping. Here I'm in. Donner, I can't help but not feel. Right, OK. We've got to stop. Right. Don't interrupt. I am now going to introduce the ten finalists for your Envision 2023.

Can I read some of them? No. No. Just no. Please? I want you to be quiet. Just for the next one or two minutes, alright? And these are alphabetically arranged. This is the shortlist. These are the songs that have been judged and will be presented with a winner from this ten list. And each song will have a music video for it that will play out live on the night. Something that we put a lot of time and effort into.

So here we go. In no particular order other than alphabetical. Here we go. At number... er, not going to say number one. Our first one is Come Round Here by Reef Fried Adel. Derek by Meters of Meters. The next track is called Fire Inside by Mr Segal. Then we've got Funky or is it Funkel? Funkel Derek by Morgan Kenning. Psycho Billy by the Triple Drop International. Runaway by LJ Goody. Take That Marrow, Paul Byrne. The Hot Sauce Rap by Star Night Light.

The Lament of Captain Blue Balls by Noiseland. And The Mayor Requests by Lee Spencer. So, round of applause to those ten. Round of applause for those ten tracks. It's Lee Spence. Lee Spence. All right. I couldn't see it. What do you mean, all right?

Just clap. Why can't you remember anything? Clap for the... Who said that person's name? Clap for the finalists. They were previous winner. I know. I was going to mention that as well.

Well, you got the name totally wrong. Well, fuck off. Well done, everyone. Well done. Sorry about Paul. He can't speak right. Sorry about Eli. He can't be trusted to do anything of any value

or any trustworthy nature at all. So they're the 10 tracks. Fuck yourself. They'll be the 10 tracks you'll be hearing live in Eurovision 2023. Try talking properly. I will fucking kill you. You will, and then what?

Then what will happen, Paul? Then what will happen to you? I'll then what will happen to the AI Systems and have an AI Eli that I can go turn off when I'm done. I am an AI Eli it's sauce me. Oh, it's a I Eli I'm a I Eli I'm E.I.E.I. E.I.E.I. E.I.E.I. I'm E.I.E.I. I'm E.I.E.I. E.I.E.I. E.I.E.I. E.I.E.I.

E.I.E.I. E.I.E.I. E.I.E.I. E.I.E.I. E.I.E.I. E.I.E.I. E.I.E.I. E.I.E.I.

E.I.E.I. E.I.E.I. E.I.E.I. E.I.E.I. E.I.E.I. E.I.E.I. E.I.E.I. E.I.E.I.

E.I.E.I. E.I.E.I. E.I.E.I. E.I.E.I. E.I.E.I. E.I.E.I. E.I.E.I. E.I.E.I.

E.I.E.I. E.I.E.I. E.I.E.I. E.I.E.I. E.I.E.I. E.I.E.I. E.I.E.I.I. E.I.E.I.I.

E.I.E.I.I. E.I.E.I.I. E.I.E.I.I. And I'm going to spoon some sauce into my gob! Do you want to do the sauce report first? Because didn't you say you had a special one from McDonald's? I've got a special McDonald's sauce. Do that then. Quick, quick, quick, quick. It's a new one. It's a new one they're doing. Can you leave it next door? Yeah. I'll go get it.

No, don't bring it in here. We're going in there. We're finishing the episode in there. It sounds better in here. For some reason, it's slightly less echoey in here. Right, we just might, the mic back guy might come back. Well, then we'll move then. Let me just get it. Get the chair out for you.

We're nearly done. Grab that sauce, Paul. I'm Let me just get it. Get a chair out for you. We're nearly done. Grab that sauce, Paul. I'm going to grab it now. I'm going to grab it. It's a new... Apparently, he's very excited because it's a McDonald's sauce garlic mayo. There's been a heavy garlic episode today

for some fucking reason. It's only going to get worse. Right. Come on. Now, a little bit of background about this, Paul. No. Garlic mayo, or some people call it aioli, or aioli, or aioli. I'm going to do the FFS episode next door. No, you can't. I've got the durian cookies. You can't. You'll have to stand there and I'll gob it off your gob.

Shut up. It never used to be a thing in Britain, Paul, garlic mayo. Right. Did it? When was the first time you can remember it emerging? I don't know. It wasn't a thing. Right. Even mayonnaise itself used to be a bit.

And this is now, garlic mayo's everywhere. KFC are doing them and McDonald's obviously thought, oh, we are McDonald's. And we're going to have to do some garlic mayo to compete. And this is their garlic mayo. Do you want a spoonful? No. Why won't you taste my mayo?

I'm not a big fan of garlic mayo. I don't like its flavour profile all that much, but I will snuff it. Have a sniff of the McDonald's. It smells like garlic mayo. I don't know what else you want me to say. It smells quite nice. This is your least interesting sauce report

in a very long while. It's the new one. It's a new garlic mayo. And it's already a segment hanging by the thread. Always having a little dip, dip, dip. Very sweet. Yeah. Nice mayo-y mouthfeel. And a little bit of mayo on the back end. It's pretty well-rounded. I mean it's not, it doesn't taste quality. Out of five. It has a bit of a watery finish. It doesn't taste like it had that quality mayonnaise. But still, it's quite light. And you can put a chip in there.

You'd love it. Chippy, dippy, dip. Maybe pour a little bit on your McCrispy. Absolutely. And they're doing it in their trademark square little sauce boxes. Can we move on now then? And they've also got a wicked, it's a wicked spicy. If you bring sauces on Friday night, I'll smash them.

What do you mean you'll smash them? If you bring your little sauce box, I'll smash it all. Fine. I'll smash it all. You can smash my sauce box. I'll destroy your collection. I don't have a collection anymore. I threw it away.

Well, we went to your trough. It went out of date. Things pass. Oh, the trough dead. There's a trough, you know where the trough is Paul? In your heart. And in my brain. And in your brain. So you have a sauce trough. Hey, don't tell that little thief, the brain thief though. That's a different compartment, he's not interested in your sauce box. No, he probably is. Hang on, let me find out. I'm going to look into this.

Oh, hang on. Who's that? Oh, it's the Thoughts Thief and he's gone into a different room. It's Saucers. Oh, I'm out. I'm out. I don't want them interested. In fact, I'm going to take a shit in this.

I'm just going to take a little... Shut up. There's always shitting in my brain. That's me. I'm going to leave a big tur this one. I'm just going to take a little shatter. There's always shitting in my brain. That's me. I'm going to leave a big turd in Eli's sauce trough thought box. Bye. Now, Paul, we are almost out of time. I'm closing the door.

Okay. Now. Stop touching your gooch. I'm not having it. Right. Dorian, Dorian, look, we've got... Spish. We've not having it. Right, Dorian, Dorian, look we've got... Spish. We've got five minutes.

Okay, good. Well the garlic mayo is pretty decent. Right, Dorian. Now this has come in a little plastic tub. It is well sealed with a gold sticker around the rim and I am not looking forward to this because this... Biffo, didn't Biffo have Dorian something recently? You know when you go to Chinatown and they've got these big spiky fruits

and it's that really nappy, sort of heavy nappy smell? That's the durian. 6-11-23. That's still in date. Right, he's opened the window because I'm not particularly... I think it's quite potent. We don't have to do this, do we? Yes, Paul, we do.

Right, here we go. I'm opening the lid. I'm prepared to. Give it a niff-naff-na go. I'm opening the lid. I'm prepared to. Give it a niff-naff-noff. I'll break the seal for you. They need to seal it because it will smell of durian. Well, no, we're going to be putting it straight in the bin after this, aren't we? I'm not taking it home and you don't want it.

I might like them. You might like them. That's a good point. I mean, they love it, you know, in that part of the world. Yes, I mean, there's enough demand to make a business out of it. There's a lot. You can get it all over the world, Durian, so there must be something to it.

I've suddenly got... Oh, no. I'm gone. Smell it. Oh, I don't know what that is. Eli, I don't know what it is. That is the smell of Durian. Okay, so it's a little bit eggy,

but there's garlic there and... And sweet, like mango sweetness. Something's just turned in me. You're going to have to eat one of these. No, I know, but something is seriously... You know when you get that feeling when you haven't eaten in a while and you suddenly feel very, very sick? Like dizzy.

Yeah, that's how I feel right now. Have a deep niff on that. I might have huffed too much. Oh, mate. That's that smell. You get it in the oriental supermarkets. I might have been in it too much. I might have huffed too much.

Come on, mate. You have to eat one. I'm not going to put a whole one in my mouth. I'm going to take a bite of one, all right? Yeah, we haven't heard that before, you traitor. Yeah, well, look. I had a whole one chip challenge. challenge. Yeah, but you promised. You did the nibble and chip and then try and take

the glory challenge. Everyone deserves an apology for that, Paul. Okay, you know what? You want to apologise to me? Eli and the Listening Cheap Show audience, I apologise for only having a large segment of that chip and not the whole chip. Okay. Eli suffered more, but I can guarantee you

I also suffered quite a bit with that. Thank you. Thank you for that, Paul. Okay. I don't mind how much of this durian you eat and I can tell it's disgusting. I'm having a bite. I'm going to eat a whole thing though, everybody.

All right, good for you. They're very small. They're only about three centimetres across. They look like a little nublet, don't they? They just look like a little nugget. There's almost a sense of pork scratching scent to it. There's almost a sense of pork scratching sense to it. There's a meaty, yeah.

You're just going to have to eat it and get it down, mate. You know what? I watch these videos where they eat this stuff and I go, just put it in your mouth. Just do it.

And that on me, I'm like, oh. Do it. Do you want me to do it first? No, because if I see your reaction, it will definitely put me off. So let's just do it. I mean, I just know the smell is the worst, is the thing, isn't it?

Okay, three, two, one. Oh, God. I mean, oh, God. It tastes of durian. I'm not... Oh, God, get down. Oh, God. Not too bad. It's... the sugary part saves that.

It's sweetness yeah but without that sugar like spitty spitty oh it feels like there is an egginess isn't there there's a sulphury

there's a huge egg sulphur thing going on it's just how do you think about the existence of eggs now it's literally in my teeth it's in my palms when I breathe

it's pushing out the oh man it really in my cobs. When I breathe, it's pushing out the... It really is pungent and eggy and weird. He's back on Rosalia's coke. I'm having some movement before I have a bowel movement. Have some of Rosalia's... Coconut sin. Coconut sin. Oh god, that's not a combination I recommend. Let's have some. Oh, It really is actually building the egg. Don't mix the coconut with the Dorian. That does not work. I want it.

It makes it all really super farty. It really feels like I've had a big fart done in my mouth. I mean, I could eat another one of those. Good. I mean, I'm glad. I can see it. I think the fact that they're cookies and not like just dry Dorian helps it hugely make it more palatable.

But I can't... Look, it's spiky. There's one in the background there. Spiky, you can see it. So here's what I'm going to say. Not as bad as I thought they were going to be. Still not something

I could imagine ever enjoying as a snack. What I'll say is I can see why it's an acquired taste that some people take to. If you're exposed to this. Yeah. Oh, God, I can't shift it.

And I've got that fucking smell. It lingers. It lingers. Oh. It lingers. Do you have to let it linger? Durian. Do you have to?

Oh, I've got open. Do you have to? Do you have to let it linger. I open my durian for you. If you say fucking flaps, or clunge, or minge, or fanny, or fetch. Fletch lives again. Shut up. Fletch lives.

No, I'm farting. I don't fart as well. Go on, have you do both. This, oh mate oh oh I've got everywhere it's 40

we've got to sign off mate that's it we're at the end of the hour oh mate I can't escape we're at the end of the hour Paul right what time is it

yes we are it's time to wrap up right everyone enjoy your InVision if you're watching it tonight or you can listen to it next week

on the podcast form yes there will be an audio version of it next week with a few little bits of tops and tails to make it a unique listening experience. I might have to rip it from the YouTube feed. Well, this is all stuff no one needs to know about. This is all backstage stuff. But basically, join us Friday night, 8pm UK time on YouTube for Your Envision 2023.

Ten songs, ten guest judges. Biffo's going to be there. Sanya's going to be there. We've got celebrity judge Ethan Lawrence who's going to be there. That's been a big get for us. Because he's been in Magic Mike and stuff and horrible histories. Yeah, I thought he'd sort of gone up a level. No, well, I had to.

You had to what? We'll talk about it later. I had to. It cost a lot more than I thought he was going to do. When he said mates rate. Whatever. He's going to be there though, right? He's going to be there.

He's going to be there. So we've got a big... Look, if you miss it, it's on our YouTube channel. So it'll be there as of Friday night after the show's been live. And all you've got to do is look for Cheap Show on YouTube. Just a little update. I've seen the local metal person I saw walking around out there just now, Paul. I've still got bits of dirty Dorian egg in my mouth.

Oh, the picture of Dorian egg in my head. Hey! Oh wait, so everything else, to keep this short, thecheapshow.co.uk, everything's there. You can see social media, pictures, videos, links, whatever. You can see local metal guys' hair swinging in the wind. Patreon.com forward slash cheap show. It's all there at our website, thecheapshow.co.uk, at thecheapshowpod on Twitter. I am at Paul Gannon Show and Eli is...

Bit phlegmy this week, sorry guys if you've got a phlegm noise. That's a very long Twitter account. Eli Snoid spelled E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. Everywhere right now is soiled. It's a dirty show.

E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D for Eli Snoid. I'm going to just have a big old huff of this. Look. Oh, God. Oh, no, no. No.

Oh, mate, you've turned... The worm has turned oh no we're ending this episode bye bye everyone see you next time and see you at your Envision join us