CheapShow - Ep 34: Mr Biscuits
Episode Date: February 9, 2017Who is Mr Biscuits and how could he help you save money? Frankly, no one really knows, especially Paul & Eli in yet another ruddy fun CheapShow. In episode 34 CheapShow tackles bad accents. Again. The...re is another frustratingly familiar "Tales from the Dancefloor" story, Eli excitedly takes on an all new type of Noodle flavour, Gannon's Google Assistant confuses Paul Daniels for Vladimir Putin, the boys eats rancid chilli chocolate and, AT LAST, Eli brings in a selection of weird and wonderful vinyl singles, discovered in some of London's best charity shops. Be warned: One is straight up creepy. Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! You can see pictures and accompanying videos for this episode on our website www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at thecheapshow@gmail.com And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... all that jazz! WARNING *Show contains strong language and adult material
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Draw near and listen. I am the last of the seven sages of Eternia, guardian of the ancient secrets.
Hear now my tale of the heroic exploits of He-Man, who, with the help of Orko, saved Teela from the clutches of Beastman.
Hello.
Really?
Really, that one?
Yes.
Remedial story time voice.
I'm taking another tack.
All right.
Hello.
It's time for episode 34 of The Cheap Show.
We all love it.
So, now, I'm in constant anguish,
and here's Paul Gannon.
He mangles language.
Wow, you haven't said that in years.
Maybe a year.
One year.
You haven't said that in one year.
I think a year I like it
a year is enough rotation
I think we've been doing this
almost two years now
if you include
the unclickables
the unclickables
the unclickonables
yeah again
people keep asking me
if we're going to
upload those to the internet
maybe we will one day
okay
you know
some of them are awful
but you know
some of them are also
alright
as a sort of document
of a failing live show
oh mate
they're quite interesting
on a sociological
sort of
if I had to describe
our live shows
they'd be like
a ham actor
who's been shot on stage
and is milking that death scene
for all it's worth
oh it's still going alright
I'm going to get as much drama
out of this as possible
oh
we had some audiences
who A didn't know what they were watching.
No.
B, didn't care.
No.
And C, were a bunch of Dutch women.
Or, naughty, naughty Australian men
with absolutely no tolerance
for the muck about
we were getting up to on stage.
What's all this shit?
Get high.
I can't do Australian accents.
You can't do any accents.
I can do more than you.
Go on. Okay. Go on. Do one. Yeah, you do one. You can't do any accents. I can do more than you. Go on.
Okay.
Go on.
Go on.
Do one.
Yeah, all right.
You do one.
All right.
You name a voice.
Country.
South American.
General.
This is bleak.
South African.
Oh, right.
Hang on.
South American.
Oh, no.
This is not good.
I do not see it.
It's so racist
hola
alright you do it then
Mexico
hello
every time
I ever say to you
do a voice
you always start by saying
hello
hello
I'm Mexican
no
y senoro
y
alright
next other voice
I like the coke
I'll pick one for you
I like the crispy clams.
Do you know they're mad for crispy clams in Mexico?
Are they?
Yeah.
Why?
Because they like baked sugary products.
Okay.
But apparently donuts isn't, their donut game isn't at...
Up to snuff.
You know, they've got those churros.
Have you had...
I love churros.
Yeah, you like a churro.
Oh.
All right.
And, yeah, so apparently there's like, they're smuggling... Across the border. I love churros you like a churro alright and yeah
so apparently
there's like
they're smuggling
across the border
crispy cremes in
crispy cremes
hello
I got the
crispy cremes
ok gringo
bring them
across the border
I don't
see no
crispy cremes
here
let's say
hello to my
icing covered
little friends
right right so next one for you Russian here. Let's say hello to my icing covered little friends.
Right. So next one for you.
Russian.
You've got the hat on. Hello.
Hello.
That's just the same. No, I can do Russian.
Give me a second. I'll give you a second.
I'll give you a moment. An actor's process.
It's like a bowel movement.
Sorry, I was 15 minutes
I was having an actors process
Going for a quick actors process
Yes
I can't do it
Russian
Vodka
You can't just name Russian things
That's not the same either
Communism
Yeah
Nyet
Nyet here we go
Nyet
I need Give me a sentence Okay It is very cold communism. Yeah. Niet. Niet. Here we go. Yes. Yeah, you need an N. Niet.
I need...
Give me a sentence.
Okay.
It is very cold in the Kremlin.
It is very cold in the Kremlin.
All right.
It's possible.
Oh, shit.
God, I'm terrible.
My turn.
It is very cold in the Kremlin.
That's all right.
Yes.
Niet.
Niet.
Right.
Okay.
French.
Oh, this...
Hello. Hello. With this okay. French. Oh, this... Hello!
With this...
These grapes.
I can't do it.
No, that's all right.
It's not bad.
I can't do it.
I'll give you a sentence to say in French.
Okay.
I would like your finest red wine and a cigar.
I would like your finest red wine and a cigar.
Okay, good.
Fine.
I would like your finest wine
and
your best cigar.
That's more Latin.
Actually,
coming up on the show today,
more racist impressions.
There is a French person.
There is indeed.
But we'll get round to that.
We should actually start the show
instead of doing a voice-off.
Yeah, this is bullshit.
One more Welsh.
Oh, hello there.
I'm from the valley.
I'm from the valley.
I'm from Llanelli.
I'm from Llanelli, isn't it?
Oh, isn't it?
I've got a nice pet canary.
Wow.
I like canaries.
Eli's thought process.
What do I know about the Welsh?
I think they own canaries.
Do they have canaries? They've torn one down the mine.
That's Geordie now.
I don't believe it. It's torn down the mine.
I cannot do accents.
Right, moving on. Welcome to the Cheap Show, everybody.
It's the Economy Comedy Podcast where I
and Eli Silverman
fail at doing accents.
Yes, we all look to the charity shops,
bargain bins,
pound lands of the UK
and find gold or brass
and we celebrate it here on the show.
We celebrate everything cheap,
tawdry,
cut price,
bargain,
bric-a-brac,
tat.
Bric-a-lage.
There's a French for you.
Is it bric-a-lage?
What does that mean?
Bric-a-brac.
Oh, fair enough.
Is that where the word bric-a-brac that mean? Brick-a-brack. Oh, fair enough. Is that where the word brick-a-brack comes from?
I think they have a similar root.
Ooh.
It's got a very similar etymology.
Yes.
Yes.
So, with that in mind, hello, welcome to the show.
We've got a fun-packed show for you today.
What have we got coming up on the show, Paul?
We have a delicious cheap eats coming up for you.
I believe you have some vinyl yourself to talk about.
I've got a few pieces of terrible vinyl and actually quite creepy.
And then finding out what you will get.
Riley!
Stop playing with your bell!
My naughty cat, who'll be going to Spankland later on.
Also, we will be...
He's going to eat his food now, noisily, on purpose.
It's all right.
Look at him.
He's all right.'s starting crunching.
Bastard.
But let's begin
with the tales
from the dance floor.
Okay.
Do we have a jingle for that?
No, it's what I do.
My tales
from the dance floor.
Hit it.
So,
now I don't want
any cynical interruptions here
saying how these
are all the same.
Is this because
in advance
this story's the same?
Yes.
Alright, okay, good.
So, I was DJing last night.
Yeah, and did someone
come up to you
and ask for something?
She was a young woman
and she came up
and...
This is like
the Groundhog Day
part of this show.
Basically,
what I've noticed now
is they start saying,
can I make a request?
So, it's like
the pre-request
for the request.
So they're just ingratiating themselves via...
Would it be okay if I asked for a record?
That's fine.
Yes, I always say yes to that,
because of course, it's just silly.
To say no, I'm not interested.
I mean, you can make a request.
It's not up to me whether you make a request or not.
I can deny that request.
You can.
Which I will do.
And you often do.
And I always do.
Always do.
And I can always fuck off. Spoiler. Which I will do. And you often do. And I always do. Always do. And I can always fuck off.
Spoiler warning.
This is how this story ends.
Yeah, so it's just strange to me that they go, you know, can I make a request?
That's like saying, can I speak?
Or, you know, it's like...
Well, she's just, you know, unaware of how this is going to go down and she's breaking the ice.
That's her in.
Yes.
Because you've complained before about people who've caught to you and go,
why don't you play this then?
You know, at least they're saying...
At least she was being polite.
Yeah, so...
But that wasn't the tales from the dance floor.
No, so...
What was, you say?
Exactly.
Where is this going?
So, a young lady approached me on the...
Behind the DJ booth.
When I was spinning on the wheels of steel.
Where was this, Blues Kitchen?
Blues Kitchen.
As always. And, again, so Kitchen? Blues Kitchen. As always.
And again, so far, so very, very familiar.
And basically, it's a short one, this.
It doesn't feel it.
I know, right?
Go on.
So, everyone's dancing.
Do you have this?
No.
End of story.
No.
You're right, it was short.
She goes, are you going to play any dance music?
Right.
And the irony, the irony the irony paul now she was probably
thinking are you going to play any music from the 90s yes you know that she wanted dance electronic
dance music but she just said dance music and it's like i couldn't i just said no and i couldn't help
but feel the irony of the fact that what i was playing technically is dance music, funk and soul. As people were dancing to it.
And people were dancing to it.
So get your terminology right, love.
Yeah?
If you want to come and give me the request, or else you'll end up on this segment, and you have.
You get your name.
I'm not interested.
Excuse me, love.
For the sake of our podcast, what's your name?
And what's your address?
And where do you live?
And where can people hound you when I set my
fans upon you? My horde,
my Eli, my silver fans. That's what I'm
calling them. Silverfish. Silver fans.
Although a friend of ours,
Richard Wentworth, who does the
Hadron Gospel, our podcast,
he said they should be called the
Elites. Eli.
The Elites. That's good.
Yeah. That's good. It reads better than when you say it out loud. Yeah, well, Eli. The Elites. The Elites. That's good. Yeah. That's good.
It reads better than when you say it out loud.
Yeah, well, a lot of stuff does.
Yeah.
Such as that Welsh village.
What Welsh village?
Clam diddly, clam diddly, clum diddly diddly do.
God, the Welsh are going to be.
Yakida, clam fiddly.
Ha!
Yeah.
Clam fiddly, bow diddly.
I don't know what I'm talking about
so that was your
Tales from the Dance Floor
we need to
we need to
I'll try and get better ones
what should I do
to cultivate better
Tales from the Dance Floor
perhaps I should
be rude
to people
well I mean
look
I mean perhaps
I should sort of
mock them
see if they start
violence
physical violence
with me
maybe
perhaps I should
proposition them sexually
that would help and say you know I'll give you dance music if you make my trousers if they start violence, physical violence with me. Maybe. Perhaps I should proposition them sexually.
That would help.
And say, you know... I'll give you dance music
if you make my trousers dance.
Oh, tent dance.
Yeah.
If you can get it all...
It's a Persian tent dance.
If you can bring life...
If you can bring life
to my Frankenstein's monster down there.
It's not Frankenstein's monster.
It's more like Abbott and Costello.
Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop.
I know that's the Three Stooges.
No, that's...
No. It's Neudberg. Well, yeah, but thatop, whoop, whoop, whoop. I know that's the Three Stooges. No, that's... Isn't it?
It's Neudberg.
Well, yeah, but that's where they get it from.
Oh, I did not know that.
Well, listen, you're learning something.
Yeah, but you're learning so much
because I can't remember which one
of the Three Stooges made that sound,
but it was the bald-headed one.
You know the one who would go,
whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop?
Yeah, I see, yeah.
Why are you on a pointing?
Well, I can think of two.
There was Moe and Curly.
And the other one.
Barry.
It was Barry.
Yeah.
Was it?
I don't know.
All right, we've gotten on from that.
We've moved swiftly on from your horrible tales on the dance floor.
Seriously.
What?
What was the point of it?
Well, if you hadn't been all fiffl-faffling and, you know, sort of downplaying it, it would have been good.
Look, we're just going to do it very quick.
Here's materials from the dance floor.
A girl came up, asked for dance music.
It was dance music playing.
That was shit.
She's shit.
End of.
Fair enough.
That was very...
You know what?
We could just do micro ones like that right now.
All right, cool.
So now I believe you have a life hack.
You are going to love this.
Yes, I do, Paul.
have a life hack. You are going to love this.
Yes, I do, Paul.
It's another in the infrequent feature that I do,
known as Eli's Life Hacks.
And people really like these, okay?
They don't.
And they save you money.
And it's like part of the show that is actually,
you know, has some practical use in people's lives.
It's not just wank jokes and buying stuff you like
and pretending it's for the show.
I think there's a happy medium between the two aspects of this show.
So anyway, your life hack.
Are you ready?
Yes.
Don't own a dog.
Great.
See you next week, ladies and gentlemen, on Life Hacks.
No, come on.
That's good.
Save you a lot of money.
It would.
But the problem is that that life hack doesn't solve a problem that pre-exists.
That's having a dog. No. What if you're poor and you have a dog of money. It would. But the problem is that that life hack doesn't solve a problem that pre-exists.
It does.
That's having a dog.
No.
What if you're poor and you have a dog?
Don't have one.
You've already got a dog, so your life hack would have to... Sell your dog.
No, but...
You can make money if it's a pedigree.
True.
Sell your dog and listen.
You want to know the real...
The machinations behind the...
I'd love to know how your brain works.
I think a lot of us would like to know that.
You could just go to the park.
Yeah.
In a town or a city.
And just be one of those people.
Was he a boy?
And you don't have to pick up his shit.
No.
You just have a nice roll around in the grass with a dog.
With a stranger's dog.
Excuse me.
They don't mind.
Will you leave Mr. Biscuits alone?
Mr. Biscuits.
That would be a fucking great name for a dog.
It would be a dog.
Yeah.
An Alsatian called Mr. Biscuits.
Oh, that's excellent.
Thank you.
So you're rolling around on the floor with an Alsatian called Mr. Biscuits.
Yeah, and you get all your sort of, you know,
all dogs aren't they lovely thing.
Get that enthusiasm out. And then you can go home and you get all your sort of, you know, oh, dogs aren't they lovely thing. Get that enthusiasm out.
And then you can go home and you don't have a dog.
And you're not buying food for it.
Also, you could have a little nuzzle or whatever with the dog
and then you can see the dog take a shit
and you can watch the owner pick it up.
You're sitting there on a park bench.
Thinking, I don't own that dog
but I enjoyed it
I enjoyed that dog
you enjoyed watching it
take a shit
yeah
and then you go
oh I bet it's warm in his hands
oh
I bet it's smooshing
oh
I bet if you
so that's my life hack everyone
don't own a dog
boom
right so
ignition
no
do you have any more life hacks
no that's it I've got one Do you have any more life hacks?
No, that's it for this week. I've got one for you then.
Alright.
My life hack is don't own a cat.
No, that's terrible.
Why?
Well, it's unoriginal.
Is it?
It also doesn't have the same impact as a dog.
Dogs are more expensive than cats.
So it's less of a saving.
Don't ever have a child.
That's good.
That's a good one.
Here's what you think.
If you want to get that
out of your system,
go to a play school,
right,
and then just go up to one
and just pretend
that's your child for a bit
and have a play with it
and roll around.
Oh my God.
Maybe the child's name
is Mr. Biscuits.
You know,
have a little roll around.
Excuse me.
They've got laws against that,
don't they?
Watch a little child have a poo.
You're not allowed to call your kid
a strange thing
in some countries
really
yeah
in Australia
they're like
no
can't do it
I'm going to
call my son
you know
emperor
dark side
or something
no
can't do it
why
because they
they've actually
passed a law
so I think
it's for the
protection of the
child I think
it's weird
isn't it
I guess
I think they've
got something similar in Switzerland Australia and I think it's weird isn't it I guess I think they've got something similar
in Switzerland
Australia
and I think Mr. Biscuits
would basically
not pass muster
with the judicial system
although it would be
super cool
alright class
settle down
settle down
register
Timothy
yes sir
Samantha
here
Kate
here
John
here sir
Mr. Biscuit, I hate my life.
I hate my life so much.
Your mum and dad are here to get, come and see you.
Mr. Biscuit.
Princess Fanny.
And Alexander the Great.
Bourbon.
Bourbon Biscuit.
That suggests their surname is Biscuit.
Yeah.
So their name would be Mr. Yeah. That's not a bad idea. Maybe I should call my child Mr. So it'd be Mr. Gannon, no Biscuits. Yeah. So their name would be Mr.
Yeah.
That's not a bad idea.
Maybe I should call my child Mr.
So it'd be Mr. Gannon, no matter what happens.
Yes.
Yeah.
That's good.
Mr. Mr.
Yeah.
They're an 80s group.
Or call him Master.
Master Mr.
Mr. Master Gannon.
That's good.
Mr. Master Gannon.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So there you go.
Life hack.
Life hack.
Name your kid something that they already are, like a Mrs.
Or Duke.
Child.
Just call it Child.
Child.
Child, go to bed.
Yeah.
Timothy.
Here, sir.
Samantha.
Here, sir.
Child.
I hate my life.
My parents don't love me.
What are we doing?
We're doing a podcast.
That's the end of the Lifehack.
No, you don't have any more.
I thought you had a few lined up
No that's it
Come on
So you said
Oh I've been working on some life hacks
You said to me
And I quote
I've been working on some life hacks
I was working on that one
Suggesting two things
You're working for some considerable time
And there are more than one life hack
So
In one fell shoot
You've shown that
You haven't worked long on it at all
Because if you said
One fell shoot
What's that expression? In one fall fell swoop in one fell swoop in one full shoot
let's lay out the lay of the land here right and
okay it's an occasional section and i think you know oh my god there's a lot for people to
consider there and take away from that.
Thank you.
All right, cool.
Let's move on.
Right, it is time for Cheap Eats.
Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap.
Is that our jingle now for that?
We really need to work on our jingles.
Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap.
Yeah.
Eats.
That's good.
All right, welcome back.
I could go, I'll go really high. Cheap, cheap, cheap. And then you go. Okay. Cheap, cheap, cheap's good. I like it. All right. Welcome back. I could go, I'll go really high.
Cheep,
cheep,
cheep.
And then you go,
ooh.
Okay.
Cheep,
cheep,
cheep,
cheep,
cheep,
cheep.
Cheep Sheets.
Good.
Yeah,
I like that.
Right,
so only 33 episodes in
and we finally got a jingle
for Cheap Sheets.
Good.
And then it said
Cheap Sheets then.
Which I could do with some.
Cheap Sheets.
Clean ones.
Yeah.
That don't smell of death,
despair and sperm
listen
don't
it's a patented odour
of the house of pickles
what?
have you not picked up on this?
no
I'm trying to sort of
publicise my rumours
as sort of
house of pickles
that's what it's called
god
it's the house of pickles
is it because your penis
is the size of a pickle?
and when people swim in
they go
ugh no it's got nothing to do with my penis that's a shame it's because house of pickles. Is it because your penis is the size of a pickle? And when people swim in socket they go, ugh.
No, it's got nothing to do with my penis.
That's a shame.
It's because I store pickles and chutneys in my room.
Wow.
Anyway, Cheap Eats is the section of the show where we like to go out and find the best of the cheap foods that you can get your hands on.
And it's been a long time coming, but finally we are tackling Eli.
We're not tackling Eli, but what
are we tackling Eli?
Nice get out.
Yeah, you sorted that one out.
I did. We are tackling
noodle. And it
is a cheese noodle. The king of
the noodles has spoken. I found this the
other day and I thought, I'm going to have to taste this
and broadcast this to people.
To the nation.
Because, you know, it's an unusual item.
It is.
I haven't seen these yet.
I have seen a macaroni cheese noodle.
Really?
Instant macaroni.
So it's not like noodles.
And also, we discussed before,
pot noodle coming out with a mac and cheese one, weren't they?
And I haven't seen them.
Limited edition.
I don't think it was.
They just came and went.
I never saw any of them in the shops.
Well, I'd like to try that.
I'd like to try that.
But this is a Korean noodle.
Now, the company's Fun and Yum?
It's Paldo.
Oh.
It's subtitled Fun and Yum.
So are they a reliable brand?
I have only known of one other noodle from them,
the Goom Tang.
Yeah.
Which is a beef,
and it's a classy noodle
is this all the black
oyster sauce
that it was
no
not the black garlic
nissen
tonkatsu
no
thank you
get it right
I'm trying to engage
in this obviously
dreary bit of programming
and the minute I try
to engage
you're like
get back in your box
look
no one's going to
like this bit
unless you show
some fucking enthusiasm
I was trying to show
some enthusiasm.
So, Goom Tang is nice.
It's an oriental style noodle.
Right.
And it's made by the same people who make this.
Now, this is cheese ramen or cheese flavoured noodle.
Oh, doesn't it look lovely?
And by lovely, I mean it looks like sick.
It literally looks like hot sick.
It really does.
So, it's basically a standard noodle, but it had an extra pack in it.
Okay.
Which was the cheese powder pack, which you add at the end.
And both were asked to be added?
Or was it maybe optional?
No, you're not going to buy a cheese noodle and not put the cheese in, are you?
No, I don't think you might not put the broth, the spicy broth in.
No, you've always got to put the soup base in.
So I'm going in.
He's going in.
Still.
Very hot.
Piping hot.
I'm going to turn that bit up so loud on the audio so everyone listening just hears this.
Right in their ears.
Yeah.
That's weird.
Is it?
Weird in what way?
Again, it's a Korean style noodle.
So it has that kind of, I'm not really into the texture
they make more sort of juicy
fatter noodles
a lot of people like that more
okay
but
I'm not into that
but it's got this weird
the cheese has this weird sort of
powdered milk taste
right
like artificial cheese
but you didn't mix it
I mean if you want to see us
make this noodle
you can just go to our
YouTube channel
just look for Cheap Show.
One word.
You'll find it.
No.
I'd eat that again.
All right.
Let me have a try.
Maybe I'm hungry, but yeah.
Let me have a try now.
Get a bit with the cheese on.
Yeah.
Let's have a little look.
See at this.
Oh, you're an amateur, aren't you?
I am an amateur.
But here I am.
I'm getting some purchase now.
Here we go.
Oh, here we go.
Oh. Oh, that's all right.
It's all right, isn't it?
It's not too bad because it has that fake macaroni cheese texture to it.
Yeah, it's that fake cheese sort of flavour to it.
Yeah, which is not awful.
It's so sweet.
And I would argue maybe the base, the broth itself,
helps give it something a bit more than just the cheese.
So it's a little bit, don't I say fruity?
it's got sweetness
doesn't it?
the cheese has that sort of
milky sweetness
I want to say like a
tomato-y kind of thing
yeah there's a spicy
there's a sort of
spice miso flavour
at the bottom
I'm just going to try
some of the broth here
oh yeah
get some slurp on
ladies
imagine that
between your thighs
well come on
you know what? what? I really like that yeah? yeah Ladies, imagine that between your thighs. Well, come on.
You know what?
What?
I really like that.
Yeah?
Yeah.
It's like comfort food.
It is.
That's comfort food all over the place.
It's actually not as weird and disgusting as you might think.
It is quite nice.
It is quite nice.
Nice spicy base and I was saying to Paul
earlier
it's got three sachets
and that's always a good sign
in general
in noodles
you had a dried veg sachet
you had
soup base sachet
yes
and then you had the cheese powder sachet
you did
which I added
so the more sachets the better
generally speaking yes
ok
and you can get some top topch Japanese noodles that have like six.
Yeah.
And they're like priced at about seven quid each.
That's no longer a cheap eat.
That's not a long...
That's a gourmet instant noodle.
Well, maybe we should do a gourmet noodle special one day where we get the very best.
Do you know what, Paul?
What?
I'd be up for that.
Let's do that then.
Okay, fine.
That'll be our 50th anniversary special.
To sum it up, that's a good noodle.
I'm happy with that.
I'd give that a nice...
I'd say 8 out of 10.
Okay, that's fine.
I'm just going to take this away from the recording area.
Yeah, because not only is it horrible to listen to,
but seeing it, ladies and gentlemen, is vile.
Oh, look.
He's off. Oh, look at him. So, a successful
first item on Cheap Eats. Eli, out of interest, how much did that cost? I can still hear them
slurping it. That was about 50p. 50p? Yeah. They are cheap. Noodles are cheap. That's
really good. And I got it in Chinatown, a place I go which has a very good range.
A very good range.
So there you go, 50p Chinatown.
Look for that noodle and maybe others.
And yes, I think we should have a noodle special one day
when I've given up on thoughts and ideas for this show.
Just accept the inevitable noodle-ification of Cheap Show, yeah?
Yes.
It's what everyone wants to hear, Paul.
They want to hear about instant noodles.
If we have to change the name of this podcast to Noodle Show
or King Eli's Noodle Podcast,
I will fucking kill myself.
Okay.
I will crucify myself.
See, I'm not even laughing at that.
No, no one's laughing.
As usual.
Right, it's time for dessert.
So, we recorded this for the Christmas special,
but then unfortunately we lost the footage,
so I've saved it.
And what we have here are four boxes of chocolates,
all from the same company.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Go, go.
Because you've been scarfing noodles,
you've got Windy Pops.
I've got a bit of a burp on.
Classy.
So, I have four boxes of chocolates.
Now, what makes these boxes interesting
is that they're all different colours.
There's a green box, a yellow box,
an orange box, a red box of chocolates.
You sound just like Paul Daniels, man.
Oh, not a lot.
No.
No.
I count to three.
One, two, three.
You're going to like this.
I've got little...
You know, he put a record out.
Did he?
Yeah.
You're going to like this, not a lot. Something like. You know, he put a record out. Did he? Yeah. You're going to like this, not a lot.
Something like that.
Mate, I've got to get a copy of that.
Wait.
We're going on to a little sojourn.
What's the word?
Sojourn.
In one swell poop.
In one full sweep.
Full shoot.
Shut up.
Full shoot.
What was it called?
It's Lay Out the Lay of the Land now.
Paul Daniels.
What's the song called?
Not a lot or something.
You're going to like this.
You're going to like it.
You're going to like it.
Just put record.
Just put...
Record.
I put it all in.
It's all going in the search engine.
Oh!
There is no record.
No, there's no record.
I was wrong.
Maybe let me just simplify this.
Right, Paul Daniels
pop hit? Yeah.
Pop
hit single record.
Nope, still can't
go. Maybe, did you imagine
it? I think I did.
Probably it was part of his show. It was just like a song he did
at the end of his show. You're gonna like this song.
Right there. Okay, Google.
Paul Daniel's music.
Here are some matching news articles.
Putin's Russia could destroy British army in one afternoon.
Whoa.
Putin news.
No, Paul Daniel's.
Hang on.
Paul Daniel's music.
Here's a result from search.
Oh, that's just Russia again.
Why does it keep saying every time I say Paul Daniels
It thinks I'm saying Putin
Okay Google, Paul Daniels
Pop single
This came back from a search
No, more Debbie McGee fighting with the Daniels family
I just don't see it
There's no music
Poor old Debbie
Poor old Debbie
In my will, you're going to get not a lot.
You'll like it, but it's not a lot.
Oh, no.
Yeah, there's no, I can't find it.
Oh, well.
We'll look into that.
If I find it, I'll put it in the show, right?
Come on, I wouldn't put it.
No.
Hey, let me tell you about Whizbit.
Now, he comes from the planet of Wow. No, I wouldn't put it past him.
No, I wouldn't put it past him.
A lot of people had records.
Anyway, we're eating chocolate.
So the thing about this chocolate is they have a chilli chocolate thing going on
where they've put chilli into the recipe.
So there are four boxes of chocolate and each one is hotter than the last.
So we've got green, mild, one pepper.
Yeah.
Because they've got the pepper symbol.
Yeah.
It's international.
Not actual Scoville units.
No.
Which, as you know, is an actual scientist.
But visually.
Or man of numbers would use.
A man of science.
A man of science and numbers would use.
But this is, it's a layman's quick, easy symbol.
You get one pepper, not that hot, two peppers, hotter.
So the green one is one pepper, that's mild.
The yellow box has two peppers, medium heat.
Three peppers on the orange box, fiery hot.
And four peppers, extreme heat on the red box.
Right, so let's start in the danger zone,
which is what the green box has been called.
What danger of what?
Having a really sore ring piece the next morning.
Here you go.
I mean, there's nothing remarkable about the chocolate.
It's simple. It looks cheap.
It looks like cheap Christmas decoration chocolate.
Yeah, let's have a little taste.
It reminds me of those...
I'm trying to find the chilli in there.
I've got to think these are mostly aftertasty kind of chilli things.
There's really very little.
I think the noodle has just, you know...
My noodle has absorbed...
Oh, wait.
Oh, there's something.
A bit of a tang there.
See, it comes at the end.
Yeah.
And the chocolate melts and it leaves its...
It's a pity about the chocolate tasting like those chocolate coins.
It is chocolate coin money.
Except chocolate coin money at least feels like there's a milk...
Not chocolate coin money.
Chocolate money.
Chocolate.
What?
Chocolate money coins.
You said...
Yeah.
What did I say?
You just said some shit that didn't make any sense.
Yeah, I know.
And you said chocolate money... Yeah, because't make any sense. Yeah, I know. And you said chocolate.
Yeah, because that makes more sense.
Right, so not very hot.
Leaves a little bit of a tingle afterwards.
It is a bit of a tingle.
Just a bit of a tingle.
Right, so now we're going to move on to yellow.
What is this thing with chilli and chocolate?
It's a good combo.
Maybe in recipes.
Yeah.
I can imagine maybe if you're using it in a wider recipe that maybe this is sauce-based.
Don't the Mexicans have a mole?
Doesn't a mole have cocoa and chilli in it?
I think it might do.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's a mole.
No, it's not.
It's a pizza.
Shut up.
Right, next one is yellow.
Medium heat.
And as the box is on the side, serious risk.
Ooh.
What?
Yeah, it's hotter.
It is.
Oh, yeah, that's got...
I'm getting a kick now.
The problem is, I mean, from top to bottom, ooh.
Ooh, that's got a hit.
That's got a hot.
From top to bottom, you get hit by lacklustre chocolate first, and then you get left with a hot palate.
Yeah, and it hasn't got much flavour, the chilli.
It's just heat, isn't it?
It is just the heat.
Oh!
That's quite hot.
I mean...
You know when it's getting hot, but it makes you sound like a vicar from a murder mystery.
You're like, oh!
Miss Marple!
But you like hot food, don't you?
I don't like hot chocolate.
I mean, not the band.
What about the drink? I like hot chocolate. I mean, not the band. What about the drink?
I like hot drinks.
So you like a cup of cocoa, do you?
I do like a cup of cocoa.
Would you put some Tabasco in it?
No.
Would you?
I might now.
I'm getting a taste.
Well, that's Barry.
We'll do a taste mix-up clash.
Yes.
We'll do a hot chocolate with Tabasco.
There is one combo that I saw
suggested combo the other day
that interested me
vanilla ice cream
with sausage rolls
interesting, because it's kind of like a custard
it'll be nice
well if you want to try it out and send us a picture
of your sick afterwards
please do, right third box
chilli chocolate
fiery hot us a picture of your sick afterwards, please do. Right, third box, chilli chocolate, fiery
hot. Okay. Three on the... Well, there was definitely some heat in that last yellow box.
There was. Serious risk. Explosive contents, this one is explosive contents, it says. Explosive
bumhole. Here we go. Let's have a try of this. Oh. Yeah, it's got some burn oh I don't like it oh I do not like it oh
yeah that's just unpleasant isn't it? Are you alright, Paul?
I'm not going to vom, but...
It just feels like...
That's just nasty.
It's like serious risk of not enjoying yourself.
I have to tear my stomach somewhat.
Alright, well, you've got the worst is yet to come.
You're going to be alright, mate.
It's just...
You know what it is more than anything else?
The heat, I don't mind.
It's the fact that it has to go down on that horrible fucking chocolate.
Yeah, the chocolate really lets
the whole package down, doesn't it?
Ugh.
I mean, how much did this whole ensemble cost?
I think it was like three quid.
Three quid?
Yeah.
Quite costly.
They had to.
It's stuck in my teeth
and it keeps sliding out the gaps
and just going,
here's some more.
Okay, no one needs to hear it.
Right, final box.
Extremely hot. Four chillies on the
rating scale. Are you ready?
There you go.
It's just going to be more of the same, but slightly worse, isn't it?
And this says toxic waste on the side.
That's not a good thing to put on food.
It's not toxic waste. Chilli is food.
It's because they started too high.
They said danger zone, then serious risk.
And they peaked, and it was like, what else?
Bukula water. Utter Armageddon of life on Earth. It's because they started too high. They said danger zone, then serious risk. And then they peaked and it was like, what else? A nuclear war.
Yeah, like, yeah.
Utter Armageddon of life on Earth.
Taste holocaust.
Right.
Is that noticeably hotter?
Yes, it is.
See, that's actually got some of that.
That's got some heat.
All right, Paul.
All right.
Yeah, that's...
That is actually quite hot, but what's the use of it?
What's the use of that?
That's what I want to know.
There is no use for it.
There's no use for that.
What would you do with it?
Just give it to someone and go...
Yeah.
Is it like pranking?
I don't care.
Paul,
we've got to do this podcast.
Paul,
you have to care.
We're broadcasting.
How was that?
I do not like it.
You did not like that?
I did not like this.
So,
what are we going to do?
Give a mark out of ten for each level, or...?
I'm going to mark the whole package.
All four chocolates get one score.
That's how I'm feeling.
Okay, what's your score?
Zero.
What a piece of shit.
What a pointless, horrible, cheap, vile,
pointless, vacuous, hateful invention.
Yes.
And I'd give it five out of ten.
Why?
All right, four out of ten.
Is this a democracy or is this like...
I want to see you go lower.
All right, four out of ten.
I think that's all it deserves.
That's not even low enough.
I mean, all right, I'll see you in the middle.
So what would they be good for?
People you don't like.
Terrible.
You know, I can't imagine
the reason why
you'd ever go,
oh,
I'm really hungry for chocolate.
I'm going to pop out
and get some chilli chocolate
that tastes like sick.
It does,
yeah.
It was unpleasant.
Oh.
Unpleasant
and got more unpleasant
the hotter it was.
I kind of wish
we'd start with the chocolate
and ended on the noodles,
but I kind of feel the noodles were...
Oh, I don't know.
What, have they sort of set your tummy off, have you?
No, the noodles were lovely.
I think the chocolate...
The noodles were good, weren't they?
Did you give the noodles a score?
I gave it a seven, but you gave it an eight.
I would argue eight is also fine.
Okay, good.
However, if I ever, ever see the person who invented those chocolates,
I'm going to knee them in the balls or fanny,
depending on the gender of the inventor.
So, and what, they'd go in the same room 101,
along with the Vimto Sours, yeah?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Vimto Sours.
Vimto Sours were very poor.
Oh, no, very unnecessarily sour.
They were sour to an industrial level.
The things we put in our mouth.
Yes.
It's been a long time coming,
ladies and gentlemen,
but finally,
it is time for Eli
to open up his box of records
and present Eli's final vinyl.
Is that what it's called?
No, I don't know.
Call it something now.
Eli's shit records?
Really?
Nothing?
No alliteration
no
you know
spunk to it
come on man
you try and get
spunk in everything
yeah
I do
go on
what about
Silverman's
worst record in the world
Silverman's
platter
that's good
isn't it
yeah
a silver platter silver's platter Silverman's pl, I like that. Yeah? A silver platter.
Silver's platter.
Silverman's platter.
Yes, okay.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for Silverman's Platter.
Which sounds like a sex act.
This is...
I gave her such a Silverman's platter right up her back the other night.
Don't give anyone any ideas.
What's the first record?
It's called Muck It Out.
And it's by the Farmers Boys.
Okay.
Right. And it's got a pig
with a beatbox. Yeah.
Not beatbox, a boombox.
Yeah, a boombox. The cover has a pig
with a boombox. I am going to
look this song up. The Farmers. This is just
so weird. And what would you expect
from that cover?
What kind of music, Paul?
I would say it was some kind of awful rap song,
but with a kind of West Country flavour.
Yeah, nothing at all like that.
Like a run DMC.
It's not like that at all.
So what's it called?
Muck It Out.
It is some weird kind of new wave.
It's very poor.
And there's an extended version.
Don't. You don't want to hear hear that I don't want to hear this
to be honest with you
but let's have a little
listen to it right now I can't walk in this world
You can't stand me now
Time is a hand I've learned by heart
And time is so short
But it's so precious to us
I laugh, you cry
But tell me why'd you lie?
You tell me you're sorry, I'll wait on the morning
Waiting in the cell, but I'm sorry too
What the fuck?
I know, it's weird.
Is that?
That was like,
it's like Erasure meets
Spandau Ballet.
Spandau Ballet meets
Ultravox.
It was,
what the fuck?
It's a bizarre record.
I thought it was going to be,
I lost two bullets.
Oh.
I thought it was going to be
some kind of
ooh-ah-roah,
let's muck it out.
Yeah.
Ooh-ah-roah,
let's have a shout. Ooh-ah-roah, let's muck it out ooh-ah-roar let's have a shout
ooh-ah-roar
let's muck it out
and say
we're the farmers boys
yeah something like that
ooh-ah-roar
muck it out
ooh-ah-roar
muck it fucking out
ooh-ah-roar
muck it fucking out
as we are the farmers boys
raging hormones
so that's
I think we can both agree
it's pretty bad, though.
I like that.
It was pretty bad.
It was not what I was expecting.
What does it say on the back?
Well, what a time we've been having here in the village
since Ron started getting into disco music.
He's ruined most of our Jim Reeves LPs with his scratch mixers
and he's scared off Mrs. Giles half to death
with his shouts of get off during the six o'clock milk round.
Mind you, I must say that wearing roller skates
around the house gives Hugh Ring a whole new dimension.
Both Ron and I wish you every happiness in the future
and we hope that this record enables you to get funky
as soon as possible.
Your pals, Elaine and Ron.
What the fuck is going on?
What on earth the fuck is going on with this record?
I haven't...
It's on EMI.
They got a deal.
I mean... Probably not a very good one. And I'm't. It's on EMI. They've got a deal. I mean...
Probably not a very good one.
And I'm talking about
from EMI's perspective.
No.
What's next on the list?
Now,
have you ever thought to yourself,
Yes.
I fancy
a
reggae pop
bubblegum country version
of a rock and roll classic.
Namely,
Teenager In Love.
I can't even imagine literally what that even sounds like.
That is what I have. The group's name is Flame.
The song is Teenager In Love.
It's a pop reggae country
bubble gum. What does that even mean?
Well, wait till you hear it. Each time we have a quarrel
It almost breaks my heart
Cause I am so afraid
That we will have to part
Each night I ask the stars of the moon
Why must I be a teenager in love?
Very poor.
What is up with that?
And look at the cover.
They just look weird.
They look like a bunch of...
They look like the kind of kids who hang around at housing estates
and throw rocks at little old ladies.
They look malnourished.
And are they meant to be the singers of that song?
Yeah, they are the singers.
Because I thought that was some cockney ladies who are all like...
Look, they look very young.
I think he's got a sort of falsetto there.
That's just a weird anomaly record.
It's a disco special.
It's not disco, though, is it?
It's like a cod reggae sort of country sort of vibe.
I don't know.
They're either sitting next to or on a tractor.
There's definitely a farming theme going on.
Is that like a tractor to you?
Big wheel arch and the thing there?
Oh, yeah.
What's going on?
We got muckied out by the farmer's boys,
and then Flame appeared to be...
On a tractor.
Let's see if we can keep this going.
Let's keep this white hot.
So what would you give that out of ten then?
I would give Farmer's Boys three because it's just awful.
I would give that two because it's slightly more awful.
Okay, let's have something good.
Okay.
This is a song called Ramaya.
Ramaya is the name of the person or the song?
That's the song. But that's not the song we're going to hear. Oh. Becauseaya is the name of the person or the song? That's the song.
But that's not the song we're going to hear.
Oh.
Because I like the B-side.
Oh, what's it called?
Piranha.
Piranha.
And the artist is Afrique Simone.
Oh, so it's not even that thing.
Afrique Simone.
Right, I need to just get this right.
How do you spell Afrique?
A-F-R-I-C.
R-I-C.
Simone, as in Nina. Okay.
Let's see if that comes up.
And it does.
Got piranha? Yeah. Check it out.
Here we go. Thank you. See, here's the thing, and I'll try and put this as delicately as possible.
If I didn't know a genuine African singer was singing that,
I would have thought there was a racist white guy singing that.
Taking the piss.
Yeah.
Yeah, it does have that kind of tribal piss take sort of thing.
It sounds like there's a white guy trying to get away with singing the Umbongo song.
I'm touchy, touchy, piranha.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Boogie, boogie.
He goes basically.
So, let's not go there.
Let's not dwell.
But that was a nice song.
And I like the guitar bit.
The guitar was quite good, isn't it?
Yeah, the guitar was quite good.
Because it gives you the impression that there are piranhas swarming around you.
I think that's what it is.
It's got an onomatopoeic sort of vibe doesn't it
I liked it, and the sort of stingy
sort of sound which are like little nips
as they bite you isn't it, quite a violent
but sexy record, it's a sexy
sexy platter on
Silverman's platters
weird
just weird, so
anyway so that's something quite good because
we now move to
the pièce de résistance.
Oh.
Or,
could say,
one of the creepiest records
I've ever found.
This is
Letter to a Teenage Bride.
Already, that sounds like...
By Pierre Cor.
That already sounds dodgy as fuck.
Now, this is,
basically,
if I was going to sum it up,
conjugal rape.
It's a lot snappier title for the song, I will say that.
That's what it is.
He basically...
Do you know anything about him?
Nothing at all.
I don't really want to know.
You know, I'm glad he was...
Because he's not coming up a lot on YouTube.
There's a song called Le Taglia a Popo Le Plumets
by Pierre Cot, which is
not that song, but I'm presuming
it's the same kind of guy.
No, this is totally different. It is.
See, already I like it.
Just for the...
So he's obviously like a French language artist
who probably had some success in France.
This is an English record.
It's on the Charisma label.
I need to find it if I can find it.
Which famous British comedy group
also released records on Charisma?
Python?
Yes.
Oh, really?
It's their label.
So I thought this might be kind of interesting,
but it turned out to be extremely creepy and nasty.
Well, you don't have to rely on the internet.
I'll describe it to you.
Oh, no, don't do that.
Basically, it's a letter to his,
he basically, in a French accent,
because he's French,
he goes,
Oh, darling, your parents, when they're here,
cannot fuck you.
You know, it's terrible.
I want them to go.
I need them to go so I can have my fucky fucky with you.
Yeah!
And then he basically comes at the end of the record.
He's like,
Oh, yeah!
Yeah, darling!
Yeah!
It says here the song ends out with
the phrase, ooh la porky.
This record was quite
controversial, and some female staff members
at Charisma felt that it was sexist
in the extreme, and so there was a lack
of enthusiasm when promoting it
it was featured
in Kenny Everett's
Bottom 30 as well
oh his literally
worst records of all time
yeah
they're selling it
on eBay right now
but I can't actually
find the song itself
well I think it's because
they've censored it
it is quite
sort of
quite disturbing
so he basically goes
yeah come on
give it to me
your parents aren't here
and she's going
oh my mama
oh papa
oh daddy
the whole way through
oh my god
like in her little
you know
mate
just the more I hear of it
the more it sounds like
it's a court case
waiting to happen
come on baby
you know what I need
she's like that
oh baby
come on
your mum
she gives me such a
fucking
boner killer.
Oh, I want you when you grow up.
So I think he's trying to do a sort of Gainsbourg.
Don't worry, ladies and gentlemen.
You can hear a nasty paedophilic piece of trash.
In fact, you can hear it if you send me the audio right now. Why'd you have to call your dad?
Why'd you have to call your mom?
I mean to say they're not too bad
But if they're not too bad.
But if they're here, it spoils our fun.
It started again.
Look, Monet.
What about me?
Well I didn't hear it But I'm presuming
It was as awful
But by the time
You said that
I edited it in
It ends on what?
Ulla Porky
Ulla Porky
I want to call this episode
That now
Ulla Porky
Yeah I think you should.
Yeah.
Excellent.
So, all right, cool.
Let's try something else then.
We'll get that into the episode.
We will.
So, I've also got...
Oh, what's this?
The Masters of the Universe record.
What?
It's He-Man by Masters of the Universe.
And is it...
What is it?
Is it a storybook?
It's a song.
What? It's a song. What?
It's a pop record, Paul.
The Beast Side.
Oh, that's very clever.
Yes, the Beast Side is known as the Beast Side.
Why?
Because there was the Beastmaster was one of the characters in He-Man, yeah?
Yeah?
Yeah, Beastmaster.
Don't you remember, you twat?
No, there's a film called Beastmaster.
But there wasn't a character called Beastmaster.
I don't know.
I don't remember. I don't remember.
I think it was that guy on the cover with the green head.
No, it's him.
He's the Beastmaster.
No, that's Lockjaw.
That's Man-at-Arms.
Man-at-Arms.
I'm getting the confused.
See, look.
For some reason, Skeletor and Lockjaw are both on the same side.
Yeah, it's bullshit.
Coming over the mountain.
And also, whoever drew this cover was not the official animator of the Masters of the Universe.
No.
That's a very
sloppy job
it's poor
did he have an axe
did He-Man have an axe
He-Man didn't have an axe
he had a sword
by the power of
Grayskull
yeah
fuck's sake
thunder thunder
thundercats
so this is obviously
some kind of
with a battle post
let's have a look
what's it called
what's the actual
song called
it's called He-Man
it's called He-Man
I can't fucking read
I just wanted to know what's it actually called Eli it's called he man it's called he man i could do well i can't fucking read i've
just wanted to know because i want what's actually called eli it's called he man paul yeah so is it
just a theme from the tv show no what then believe me it's a tune in its own right but it i can't
find it he man matter the universe side one but no it's just saying it's it's not saying it's
hang on let me find it let me look for beast side maybe i'll find it that way because you saying it's... Hang on, let me find it. Let me look for Beast's side. Maybe I'll find it that way.
Because, you know, it's a bit more specific than just He-Man.
Because it won't give me anything but the TV theme.
Will it, you dick?
Right.
There's a side one here.
What's this?
Right, it's playing.
Yeah, this is nice. No.
Wrong song.
It's the wrong song, then.
That was wrong.
That was wrong.
That wasn't the right one.
This is He-Man by Masters of the Universe.
He-Man by Masters of the Universe.
Okay.
Can you write?
Yes.
Write. He-Man by Masters of the Universe.
Can't spell universe apparently though.
Uni
verse
song.
Never to come up
with the same one again.
I don't know.
I just don't know.
Is it this one?
No, it's the theme.
It's not that.
Right, so no one
will ever hear it.
No. Sorry. Well, you record one will ever hear it. No.
Sorry.
Well, you record it as well.
This was bought for me by a fan of the show, Mr Ed Boff.
Oh, that's right.
So thanks again for that.
And you can get a free poster.
Probably not anymore, but...
It probably came inside of it.
No, you have to apply.
You send a postal order for Β£2.50 made payable to the Vaults of Eternia.
That doesn't exist.
It's a scam.
Together with your name, full address, including postcode.
Signature of approval from your parent or guardian, please.
To the Masters of the Universe Club, Centre of Eternia, CCR Harris.
Yeah, so you can't get that.
I can't find it.
It's obviously not official, isn't it?
I don't know.
They've got the official...
Recorded at Sam West Studios.
Sam West, don't they make fish?
Yeah, no, that's John West.
Oh.
September 1985.
By the power of Braceguys! He-Man!
Deep in the swirling mists of space Lies the enchanted plant material
The forces of evil led by Skeletor
Seek to control this beautiful plant
Only one man stands in their way
And he is the end of time
He-Man! He-Man!
He-Man! He-Man He-Man, He-Man
Yeah, it's very strange.
I wonder what this came with.
It came out.
Yeah, but it seems like it's part of a bit of a thing,
like a bigger promotion.
So that other song we played there,
that was a load of shit.
Yes.
There's obviously quite a few sort of cash-ins
for Masters of the Universe,
which was shit.
Oh, I didn't like it.
I never liked it.
Pants. I was always a bit more
you know
from the cats
into girls stuff
right
any more records
yes
before I stick something
sharp in you
let's finish with
something good eh
alright let's finish
with a banger
now
you know
yes
the disco version
of the Star Wars thing. I do and I
love it very much. By Miko and it has the
cantina theme sort of in it.
Yeah. Now, did you know
he did other sci-fi disco
workouts? I did not know this. He did.
And he did a disco version
of Close Encounters of the Third Kind and I have it here
on Millennium Records. It's lovely.
So, what's the name of the dude who wrote it again?
I'll search this.
Miko, M-E-C-O.
This is discotastic. I want to make that real quick. Thank you. ΒΆΒΆ
Bit porny.
That's what I like about it.
It's like, you know... You can imagine that, like,
there's a deep shag pile carpet.
Oh, yeah.
It's white.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know,
there's a little disco ball
in your front room
you get the lady back
after a meal
you've had some wine
you put the music on
you dance
you get down
it's a sci-fi thing
disco record
close encounters
of the
war kind
yeah
you get her down
you make love
hey sweetheart I don't have Barry White here I've got Mika Miko of the war kind. Yeah. You get her down, you make love.
Hey, sweetheart.
I don't have Barry White here.
I've got Mika.
Miko.
Not Mika.
Miko.
Mika was Tin Soldiers,
wasn't it?
No, I thought Mika was a... Oh, yeah.
It was that guy.
That guy.
Fat girls.
No, I don't know
if it was that one.
I love them fat.
No, you're gay, Mika.
Gene Kelly, that one.
You gotta be, you gotta be high, gotta be high.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That one.
Wait, so what's happened to him?
I don't give a fuck about what's happened to Mika.
So, where were you with this lady?
You were in your flat.
No, I don't want to describe it.
It's a private matter.
Is it?
Between you and this fictional lady who...
Yes.
You don't get her down on the carpet for a rough shag.
No. No.
I... Would you play
that song if you were trying to get a woman into bed?
I might.
Meow, meow, meow,
no, no.
Fucking hell, man. I don't know where I'm going with that.
All I know... Honestly.
What's your favourite out of all those where I'm going with that. All I know is...
What's your favourite out of all those?
I think it's that.
Yeah?
Also... What's the B-side?
It's one of his own numbers.
Oh.
Which is really good.
Disco.
Yeah.
And it's called Roman Knights.
Kind of gay sounding.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
No.
No.
No, not at all.
Roman Knights. It's just a song about men. News in a sore corner. It's another instrumental. gay sounding not that there's anything wrong with that no no not at all Roman Nights
it's just a song
about men
nude
in a sauna
it's another instrumental
and it's classy
it was good
Miko's good
there's some other ones here
but we'll save those
for another time
save those for another time
we should get my actual
record player along
we should get your
record player along
so we're not just
doing it via the
I'm sorry
I forgot
it's very remiss of me
and I forgot my
record player today
we'll get through
this
so maybe we can
play Pierre Coeur
on another occasion
no no we'll find
it by now we've
already the listener
knows if we found
it and put it in
the episode because
I've cut it in
now we just sound
like knobheads
because we haven't
I think we always
sound like knobheads
we always sound
like knobheads
so what a great
selection of vinyl
thank you
can I just remind everyone Paul said one full shot So, what a great selection of vinyl. Thank you.
Can I just remind everyone, Paul said one full shot.
Shut up, you fucking twat.
When he meant fell swoop.
Shut it.
And that's another podcast out the way.
Ooh, ah.
Canton, ah.
That's it.
Ah.
Right, so, mess that up.
Whoopsie, whoopsie gravy.
Whoopsie gravy whoopsie gravy yes
ladies and gentlemen
thank you for listening
to the podcast
if you like us
please rate and subscribe
to us on iTunes
I don't particularly
like iTunes
but apparently
if you subscribe
and rate our show
on that channel
it bumps it up
review
review it
review and rate it
even if you hate us
even if you really thought
this was not much cop
and to be honest
it wasn't
don't blame you
it's not been our finest
stop making apologies Paul
stop making apologies
for who you are
okay
I'm going to be doing it
to the day I die
the day die
in one full swoop
shut up
shut up
shut up
you've had a rough one this one, haven't you, Paul?
Shut up.
I'm sorry.
You had that nasty chocolate you didn't like.
I did not like the chocolate.
And, yeah.
Just want to go home.
You are home.
And I want you to go home.
I'm going to go.
Right.
So, if you want to do the iTunes thing, that would be great.
Thank you.
Spread the word.
Tell everyone how great we are.
Also, you can follow us on the Twitter at The Cheap Show Pod.
The website is www.thecheapshow.co.uk
if you want to see pictures and videos from the episodes you've just been listening to.
We've got lots of stuff there.
And Barshan's every Friday on YouTube.
Excellent.
Stuart Ashen, Barry Lewis and Eli now, apparently.
Yes, I'm on it. And
look out for a little
episode coming up sometime soon.
Yes, we'll do mini episodes now so people can
get the ravenous fix
of you that they want.
Yes. Makes me sick
that. What makes you sick? Put all this
effort in. All the time and effort
and at the end of the day, all those
fucking listeners, they just want you. No, they don't, Paul. They the end of the day, all those fucking listeners,
they just want you,
don't they? No, they don't,
Paul.
They just want you.
They're all like,
oh, Paul's alright,
but he's a bit
annoying at times
and his voice is a
bit shrill.
I saw a comment on
YouTube saying that
you had a lovely
voice.
Did I?
Yeah.
So there.
So, you know,
pick yourself up,
young man.
Pick yourself up.
Pat yourself on the
back.
Come on.
Move forward. And in one full suit, I will be fine. young man pick yourself up pat yourself on the back come on move forward
and in one
fold suit
I will be
fired
right goodbye
ladies and
gentlemen
goodbye