CheapShow - Ep 342: Gannon's Golden Quest The Third (STEREO)

Episode Date: July 21, 2023

(STEREO Edition) In deepest, darkest Epping Forest, three podcasters will embark on an epic adventure! FOUR challenges THREE presenters TWO Contestants & ONE Quest Master! It’s time for another Gannon’s Golden Quest and this time, Eli is not taking on this mission alone. For their third GGQ, the Cheap Chaps are joined by actor Ethan Lawrence (Afterlife, Horrible Histories) in a fight for a very special star prize! If you thought Sir Salty Freshone was a strange excuse for a brave knight, wait until you hear from his nemesis, Lord Peppery Rancid! Over the course of nearly two hours, Eli and Ethan will need to use their lightening fast reactions, their speed and agility as well as their wits and their tastebuds. This quest will push them all to the limit and as they creep deeper into the forest, they may also lose their minds a little too! Join us for yet another, more epic, Gannon’s Golden Quest! Listen in STEREO or MONO See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-342-gannon-s-golden-quest-the-3rd And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid With special guest @EthanDLawrence Now on Threads: @cheapshowpod Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow NEW ART: Get hold of Spunk.Rock’s exclusive new CheapShow Artwork: https://www.redbubble.com/i/t-shirt/CHEAPSHOW-EST-2016-by-spunkrock/115961855.WFLAH.XYZ www.instagram.com/spunk__rock Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

hello travelers it is i paul gannon and with me this week is is you fucking wastrel you pathetic sloppy wastrel say your name you fucking gross wastrel i don't know. Do it. I don't know. Right, in case, forget that. Eli Silverman's here, but we have an extra special... You haven't given me time.

You had your time. No. And you decided to be a stupid, grubby wastrel. I'm not doing it. Say hello, I'm Paul again. Hello, I'm Paul again. And joining...

And it's Cheap Show. Hello, another week of Cheap Show. And with me is... Eli Silverman. Hi, everybody. And we've also got a very special guest joining us for this very special episode of Cheap Show. Why, it's Ethan Lawrence off of Cheap Show sometimes. And other more illustrious titles and TV shows and movies you may have seen him in, which I will not name drop here.

I will not. I was deliberately trying to avoid it but yeah but now i've had yeah i've brought it up so today we are where are we eli go on come on get someone else to say it epping forest on the edge of right we're on the edge of epping forest we both uh convened at chinkford station and we met ethan in the car park nearby. Where he just happened to be randomly. It was a complete coincidence. Oh, there's loads of people coming this way. Oh, my God.

That looks like a whole school year coming up here, and they look to be like young teens. That's the worst possible age group they could be for us. We're going to get abused. There's cows over there. I need to say, Epping is probably the biggest bit of land we've done on this show so far in one of these

walkabouts, Paul. It is fucking vast, like die of asphyxiation. No, of... Right, well that's Eli's contribution for Cheap Show this week. All done and dusted. It's fine, Eli. You'd have to get strangled. You could get strangled. I want to wrap this up before the naughty kids come by.

You could get strangled by the cows. Look, I don't think they are kids. I think they're... Are they students? Oh, my word. I can't tell their flesh age. I'm getting a panic attack. Don't say flesh age.

Don't use that term, please. I can't see their flesh age from here. Look, look, the thing is, we're doing a Gannon's Golden Quest this week. Hooray. Hooray. This will be the third quest and another thing that marks this out

as a special, special episode for everybody. First guest we've ever had on one of these walkabouts. Right? It is. Strictly speaking,

this is our, certainly with it, Gannon's Golden Quest. This is our first guest. How are you looking forward to taking the challenge? I'm so excited. The teens are getting closer.

Let's put a clock on this conversation. I don't like it. Oh, they're getting closer. So anxious right now. Talk about weird like... Watch your flesh age! No, we do. No, just, this is I'll cover. We're like a conservatory. No, not that. Conservative what?

A conservation YouTube channel. And let's talk about the foliage and shit. The wildlife. Nah, we're going to fuck about in the woods and play games about the foliage and shit. The wildlife. Nah, we're going to fuck about in the woods and play games for another Garden Golden Quest. We are. We've got to wrap this up. They're coming closer. I'm getting frightened.

Oh, that's a good caterpillar. You don't see a lot of those. Oh, Ethan, you're a botanist. What's all this foliage? Grass. It's grass. Well, anyway, now that we've gotten

everyone's staring at us it's strange don't you look at us anyway ladies and gentlemen it's Cheap Show it's Gannon's Golden Quest 3

and we're off in Epping Forest for another adventure join us oh god they're staring yay my family four challengers.

Three podcasters. Two contestants. And one questmaster. This is Ganon's Golden Quest, the third. the third. Deep in the heart of Epping Forest, they will experience challenges that will push their mental, physical and culinary skills to the max. Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Ethan Lawrence

Let the games begin I'm not going to take any shit from your questmaster today I tell you that now Eli, the reason why I couldn't smell your little pineapple plant Whatever it was fucking called It's because they've got a cold It's little pineapple buds No, I couldn't smell it because your nicotine stained fingers

Were far too enriched For me to sniff Engorged I don't believe that Anyhow, people will remember from their childhood Walking around Little pineapple bud green things Do you remember

those no do you ethan this is not what does he like fucking remember day what do i remember oh all things ethan what do you remember uh do you remember like stuff all stuff and then he used to go out out of the house and then there'd be stuff there. Yeah. He'd get stuff out. We always carriage. Paul, do you remember we used to go outside? Back in my day, I was never in. Shall we look? I was always in. I was never in.

I was always out. Pineapple bud experiment take two. Right, he's off to buy one of those little... Buy one. Pluck one. Oh, he's pulled the whole thing out. It's a handsome little weed, isn't it? They are a weed.

They are a weed, yes. God, this is boring and I hate you. I'm going to crush them very vigorously. Smell the pineapple. Oh, no, yeah, you're right, it smells of pineapple. It actually genuinely does smell of pineapple. So there you go, successful. Oh, well, look at fucking Chris Packham over here

with his fat-fingered squeeezy-pineapple-plant trick. Anyway, hello. Welcome to Cheap Show. It is our walk about Ganon's Golden Quest 3. The end of a trilogy. What will we do next year? Probably part four. So, you like this format, the Quest format, don't you? Because I get to have my games. I've got four games lined up for you this week. You like this format, the Quest format, don't you? Yeah, because I get to have my games. I've got four games lined up for you this week. And there is a prize.

Whoever wins the most games, because I'll be pitting you against Ethan, in games of taste, of speed, of dexterity, of reactions. All right? All right. Right. And there is a big prize. There's a big prize. And all I'll say about what the big prize is,

is that it is a handheld gaming system. Oh, fucker. Oh, my God, a Nintendo Switch? I'm not going to say, but it's a real big prize. And whoever wins it will have it delivered to them by me, naked. That's the gift. I'm going to deliberately throw the game. You can't both.

If you both try and lose, that's going to be more interesting in terms of scoring. He won't deliver it naked. He makes these fucking empty joyless jokes. I will turn it with my tod out. It's a shit joke. That's a shit joke. I'm just going to call it out now. Shit. You're shit. Sorry to be nagging out on this. Look at this pastury here though Paul. Look at this lovely little a thin meadow. That's the definition of a pastury. There's some kind of enclosure here. Am I the only one on this podcast?

There's also a load of, like... We've been walking down this path for about three minutes and there is so much baked cow shit. There is. Well, we've mentioned the cows already. There was bulls there, so I hope they've had their nads scooped out scooped like with an ice cream scoop or something so you get the roots as well where all the pheromones live so you don't get an angry bull going at you right good stuff

so we're we're going to uh find a spot for our first challenge and then i'm thinking We're going to find a spot for our first challenge, and then I'm thinking, by the power of magic, by the power of magic, the quest master will appear, and we'll begin the games, all right? I don't know what direction we're going this week, but we're heading in this direction for now. Epping. We're going towards Epping. I think we are heading towards the deeper parts of Epping Forest, yes.

Now, is Epping Forest famous for anything? Extremely famous for people. Lots of gangsters would dump bodies up here. East End gangsters. That's good, isn't it? Now that you said that, I was talking to my mother about doing this, and she's from the old East End.

And they used to come here all the time. It was like a weekend treat to get out of the city. It's a resort, a sort of closest big bit of open land to the east end of london i guess that's true yeah it's nice as well actually i've really i've not been here before and it's really picturesque it's really nice yeah it's fucking beautiful i haven't been here my whole life and i don't exist so this is all new to me you don't exist were there any uh were there any uh like forests in the hovel where you grew up yeah well i mean we had like birkenhead park but that was just a park yeah the sea just

there well i have the coastline we have the mersey and everything yeah and we had the docks like but like i said to you there's a thing called the wirral way which was there used to be a railway line that went around the uh coast of the wirral I thought that was a type of kung fu. Oh, yeah. Come with me and I'll teach you the Wirral way. The Wirral way. I'll give you the Wirral up your arse. Now, was... No, that's the Squirrel Way.

The Squirrel Way, where all the brown nuts are. Now, Paul, enough of that. But what I'm going to ask you is the Wirral Way, was that already in place as a sort of park, walk? No. When you were a kid? No. No, I mean, no, it was.

No, it did. Oh, God, you ruined my stories. So it used to be a railway line. That got abandoned, taken up, you know, like the longest park linear walk in London, that one. Parkland Walk. Yeah. And then it all became a walk area,

and then that led to the country park in the Wirral, which is where all the big fields and things are there. So, like, the east side of Wirral is quite parklandy. Oh. And one day we will go there for an episode, I assure you. I assure you. Am I going to be a travel captain for that? No.

No. The lack of trust on this walk unbelievable so how are you feeling about the challenges ethan how are you feeling today uh i'm feeling limber i'm feeling ready you know it's warm but that's fine it's warm it's very warm it's nice again like it's just great isn't it three friends having a walk and playing some games ah what a joy three having a walk and playing some games. Ah, what a joy. Three men in the woods playing secret games. The Wirral Way, Eli.

Games Without Frontiers. Games Without Frontiers. What's the rest of that song? Games Without... Without Tears. War Without Tears. You watched that documentary too on Peter Gabriel the other day when it came out. Oh, elephant cloud.

There is a proper elephant cloud. Can you see it? Look at that trunk. He's going... That's an elephant in profile splashing its head with water in a cartoony way. Paul, I need some affirmation on this. It's magical, Paul. I refuse to look up

this week. Wow. You fucking don't listen. You close-minded imagined nation killer. Look at the violence. Here comes the violence. He's brought his little

frisbee with him. That's the fucking violence. And I'm going to fucking take it and throw it in a tree. How about that? Give me that and I'll throw your ring

in a... Why? I'm going to batter your ring. I'll leave right now. Yeah? I will leave right now. I think you better leave right now before I fall any deeper. Give me your ring. Give me your tight ring.

Don't throw my ring away. I'll throw the ring to you. A ring away, a ring away, a ring away, a ring away, a ring away, a ring away, a ring away, a ring away. In the forest, in the forest. Give me your ring. Give me your tight ring. No, don't throw it. I don't want to be piggy in the middle. No, it's not sport.

No, I've already got a sweat on from that three seconds of activity. Right, so, okay, let's find our first spot and see if I can conjure the quest master. You ready? I'm ready. Are you ready? I'm ready. Then, lo, the Ganon's Golden Quest continues. The third.

Ganon's Golden Quest, the third. Join us. The third. The third. Give us your tight fucking hands. The third! The third. The third. Give us your tight fucking... The third! The third! Can you just say any old bollocks? Saying any old bollocks? Yeah. Any, any, any old bollocks?

Saying any old bollocks? Yeah. Any, any, any old bollocks. You look treat. Talk about a treat. Don't fucking up your feet. Oh, my old man's a cunt man. He has a cuntman's hat.

He's got his cunts right up there. And how do you think of that? Oh, he's got a cunt. Sorry. Sorry. Woo! I don't know why I started dancing to that, Oh, he's got a cut. Sorry. Sorry. Woo! I don't know why I started dancing to that, but I was having a little jig. Yeah, we're all getting into it.

I did literally about fucking three quarters of that Red Bull in one swig. That's the way to go, man. Hot fuel injection! Right, you need to shut up. In general. Just in general. But first of all,

my senses have been picking up a tingle and i think here is the right place where we're about to meet the quest master all right where is he well i'm just oh i think Acting masterclass. Excuse me. He had to do Doctor Who the other day, man. I was like... Oh, that was a good one. Oh, yeah. Oh, Doctor. Doctor, I don't remember my lines. Obviously.

Quat. Fucking Quat. Quat. You fucking... Come on, do the transformation. We're all waiting. All right, here we go. OK, so here we are.

We're in the right woods. I think the vectors and ley lines are all right. And it's... Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, sweet joker! Hello, questmaster.

I am the questmaster, back again, coming at you. How have you been? I'm all right. Right, I've got to do a transformation. Oh! No, wait there. Oh, no! I've started! I've started! No, you've got to do a transformation. No, wait there. I've started!

It's an unreversible process. You've got to wait. I've got to step in. Questmaster, so have you got quests for us? Yes, I have quests of four for you this year. Well, you need to tell the knight

who's on the quest. I've opened up the portal and we're welcoming in the first knight of ye olde times. Hi, questmaster. My name's Ethan. Nice to meet you. Hello, Ethan. I know I'm not introducing the knight.

I'm just introducing myself to the questmaster. I like you. Good. I'm glad. You're my favourite man. Favourite man? Yeah.

I see you on the telly and I rub my chocker stick. To be honest, Ethan. Rub it till my chocker come out. This starts the chocker talk. It's my special chocker. It's the only thing this character has apart from that fucking stupid voice. Yeah, well, I watch you on the telly and know my chocker come out.

I go rub-a-dee, rub-a-dee, chum-dee, chum-bo. So what? Okay. I don't watch you. So is it not chocker? I don't watch you. It's spunk, is that what you say? Man spunk. We're agreeing nowumball. So what? Okay. I don't watch you. So is it not chocker? I don't watch you. It's spunk, is that what you say? Man spunk.

We're agreeing now that chocker is spunk. In my land, we call it sweet chocker. But why would anyone be so obsessed with it to say it over and over again and demand it? You do demand it a lot. I've listened to the previous episodes. That's not the same in this land of ours. In this land of ours, it's sort of a taboo.

You know, you don't bring it up so much, like in normal conversation. What? Questmaster, okay? Yeah you're right I probably go on about chocker too much. Okay. But I like it. You like chocker. Yeah. Right. Well so anyway shut up I will now open the portal and bring in the first contestant. Go. I thought it was doing a transformation, not a portal. You are doing it. It's coming through the portal, isn't it? Isn't it?

How can it be two things? Where's the portal? In my face? Is it a portal or a transformation? We need to get the law straight. Yes, it's a portal. Thank you, Ethan. Voice of reason.

Voice of reason, Ethan. Ethan Reason. Reason Lawrence. Really good. He's fucking firing on all cylinders. Firing on all cylinder. Right. Have you started the video yet? No, we're doing that for the game. Well, the hat's fucking firing on all cylinders. Firing on all cylinder. Right. Have you started the video yet?

No, we're doing the game. Well, the hat to fucking waste. The Yoda hat. Oh, no, you do not have a special. It's the quest master hat. There's no visual element yet. You don't need that hat. It's a quest master hat, isn't it?

Fuck's sake. All right. It's Yoda's head, isn't it? Oh, look. There seems to be a knight coming through the portal. And my body. Ha! Ha!

Ha! Ha! Aha! Aha! It is our old friend. Yes, that's right. I'm knight of the realm. A salty fresh one. That's it. Fresh one.

Salty fresh one. That's it. Back again for a challenge, I see. I'm up for a challenge always, good sir questmaster you. How have you been? You know, mostly sitting in my room, making chocker. You've been okay, though? Yeah, well, it's been tight with the recession and Tumpy don't have me on his

market store no more. Right. Yeah, sorry to hear that. So I just on the dole. Mm, yeah. Making chocker and watching Lorraine. Oh, chocker? Oh, you're still after a bit of Chocker, are you? Well, I've been to the Castle Tuck shop.

You know, Nanny. I'm actually not interested in this. Nanny. Nanny. She introduced me to this thing. I don't eat this muck. I only have big legs of chicken and huge sides of ham, which I carve with my sword. I don't want to talk about your Kit Kat. No, I've got a Kit Kat for you.

Thank you. Chocker? Chocker. Is that Chocker? It's a peony body Chocker. So you like that? I like peony body. Right, let's get on with this quest then.

What shall I do? I'm ready to take on the solo quest. No, it's not a solo quest. This time another knight is joining us. And now I must open the other portal to allow for a transformation to take over young Ethan. Oh, I didn't realise it was a...

Oh. Do you remember me, Salty Fresh One? It is I, Lord Peppery Rancid. Peppery Rancid, of course. Sorry, it just... It blew out of my mind there for a second. How the hell are you? You locked me in a secret dungeon for so long, but I have made my escape.

And I am ready to take you down, salty fat one! Oh, okay. Fucking hell. Ah, a revenge battle for the ages. No, I'm sorry about that. It was in my sort of, you know, tortury stage. In fairness, I was burning many villages at the time. You were so, you were so into that. It was very much my thing. Yes, I had to punish you, you understand.

There's no hard feelings. At the same time, I feel I have to do something. I have to regain my honour. Well, here's your chance, Sir Pepper East's Rancid. Almost got it. Sir Pepper East's Rancid, I got it. Um... You're very close. The Pepper Rancid, I challenge you, and you can regain your honour by having a go at these very fun quests. This is Questmaster.

Hello, I'm Questmaster. Greetings, Questmaster! I like you. I like you. Bring back Chocoboy. He make it nice. He make it foamy. Oh, I'm losing me shit. So, what are the quests you have for us? This hat's really hot. This hat is shit. It's hot, it's hot. Why are you even wearing it?

There isn't a visual element yet. Exactly. It's bringing in my character. Right, anyway. So what you're saying is it's a crutch. It's a crutch. Oh, chocker come from crutch. Oh, chocker.

Right. Paul knows the rules. I'm going over there now. I'm going over here just to... Oh. Is he always like this salty fresh one? Every time I've seen him, he's really much worse today. I've got a drugs problem now.

All right, well, you stay over there. Well, the knights, you will both be taking four challenges and we're about to do the first one called Battle of the Beasts. Ah, I love battling beasts. I go behind them and I get up them and I really battle them hard. Good, let's settle... What is that flying horse? Oh, my God, steel in the sky!

I love the commitment to the characters, boys. It's very good. Fresh one, fresh one! Let's start. Hefnery! Let's set up the Battle of the Beasts. You will be taking this hammer of your, the err, what's it called here? The toy box hammer and you will be using it to strike down upon the heads of these five items now this is a game from the 90s by i think it's peter pan toys called whack

attack and it's basically five what how do you want to describe it they're basically like stanchions i don't i don't know what that is clankingancy nipples. These are like stands, aren't they? And this is... They're multicoloured. They're modular. Neon multicoloured kind of like boobs. They're teats. They are like teats. Little teaty boobies. And they have little score things on them.

Yeah. Score counters. So what's going to happen is you'll get 30 seconds to smack as many of these down as possible. Do they pop up themselves? Because watch. Ah! Do they always up themselves? Because watch. Do they always take the same amount of time? Ish, no, they're slightly random for various reasons.

Oh yeah, that was longer, wasn't it? Yeah, so that's what you'll be doing. You'll have 30 seconds to bash as many of these as you can with the toy box hammer. Now that sometimes does come off, but I've pushed it in real hard this time. It's gonna come off constantly. Yeah. It's gonna come off constantly. I'll just use my head if I need to.

Now Paul, a little observation, who was the manufacturer you said? I think it was Peter Pan Toys, it's not Tomy, I know for a fact it's not Tomy. I was going to say, just make that observation, these have a very Tomy feel, don't you think? Yeah, they have a very Tomy feel. And a lovely colour, I like the very bright colours. In fact, maybe the company's called Toybox. It's made in Macau. Toybox Core.

Oh, yeah, Toybox. But it's definitely released as... Maybe Peter Pan distributes it in the UK. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. It's certainly very colourful. I do like it. I used to have this as a kid, and it was one of my favourite, favourite, favourite games.

You had it as a kid? But my mum hated it, because, as you're soon to find out, it is a noisy fucker. Because what with the hammer going squeaky and these making a great big clatter when you whack them, then, yeah, noisy time. Well, I think the guest should go first, Ethan. Okay. Now, I want you all to agree on the layout because I'm going to lay it out like this. You know what I mean?

Like just these in like the limbic circles. One row of two and one row of three. There's two at the back, three at the front, depending on which way you're looking at it. Or which who's having a handjob. I'm going to be like that today. I'm peppery rancid. Oh, no, we're not doing the knights for this. All right, sorry. No, the knights have stepped back. They're just metaphorical. They're human avatars. Oh, right. So, what?

Were you their champions or something? We were their champions. Yeah. You're playing for their honour. In the physical realm. Play well for me, young man. Oh, I will, peppery rancid. Yes, this is the game of five.

Battle the monsters. You know what you're doing. Has anyone got any tenor products because I'm running quite low. My chocker's quite absorbent. I'm wadged up with tenor. Third year in a row of the same gags, everyone. Third year in a row. So, do you want to go first then, Ethan?

Okay. All right, so I'm going to start. You've got 30 seconds to hit as many as you can. And when the time is up, put the hammer down and we'll count up the scores, alright? Okay. So starting in three, two, one. He's hitting them, they've all popped up and he's getting, he's quacked on the reactions, nice reactions there. They pop up with ferocity.

This is so loud. It's very loud, this is going to be loud as fuck on the recording. I guarantee it. Oh, I can't wait for you to mix this. You've got 15 seconds left. 15 seconds left. And he's bashing away. I've never seen a man bash so hard in the woods.

I have! Shut up, you. Has anyone got any tenner? Three seconds, two, one. And stop. There's the beer that we all want. Hey, hey, hey. Let's count them up. Hang on. I've got a pen and a pad here. One, and stop. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Let's count them up.

Hang on, I've got a pen and a pad here. I can just add them. Yeah, you can, but I need to write it down, don't I? OK, so... There's a jiggle. OK, so we've got... Eight, two, two, twelve... So 12, another eight, so 20, and a nine, 29.

29! Where's me pen gone? That's nearly one per second. Oh yeah! Yeah, you were very good. I feel the heat of the competition here. I don't mean to brag. You good at the reactions? I'm quite good at whack-a-mole.

Yeah. I saw that. I never even thought about how good I might be at whack-a-mole. Oh God. I used to do it because, obviously, I, you know, I'm Essex-based, so I used to go down South End a lot. And, like, South End arcades, like, there's always a whack-a-mole thing in there,

and I always used to love that as a kid. Well, you've shown your honour and your skills today. That's a good score, I think. Right, so that was 29, was it? Yeah. Yeah, 29 for Ethan. It is, like he says, almost one a second.

One. So, in game one, 29 is the score to beat, Eli. OK, can I? Do you want it to sit where I'm sitting? Do you want it in the same orientation, three at the back, two at the front? Yes, yeah. Eli, are you ready to battle the beasts?

I'm ready. In that case, battle the beasts in three, two, one. Battle beast. Oh, Eli takes a slow approach at first, but a steady one. As they pop up, he's quick to knock them back down. White, then green, then red, then yellow. Eli's focusing on accuracy. He's going to do me on this.

I don't know, you know. We've got 15 seconds left, Eli. And the timer is still ticking. And he batches his monsters with ferocity. Here we go. Keep on going, Eli. you're doing really well. You've got five more seconds to get as many points as you can, but how many will you get? 20 seconds and stop.

Oh, OK. They all popped up. They all popped up. Now it is time to do the count up. Eli, how do you feel you did? That said zero. I think that's gone over. It's gone over.

We're going to give that a 10 then. Yeah, because this one's also the same. And saw you hit this so it must have it must have rolled over oh you've done me mate you've absolutely done me oh so how much is that then so we got eight five so that's 13 20 20 40. 40. eli silverman wins the first challenge accuracy over speed i guess so the first challenge. Accuracy over speed. I guess so. Oh, Mr. Man, Mr. Mr. Man, you have won the first challenge. Yes, my avatar did it. I'm Sir Salty Fresh One. You can have Jack Daniels and Coke as a mini prize. Do you have any sort of sanitary mints, sanitary...

I look in my bag. Because the freshwaters have this condition, you see. I've never told you before, Chockerman, whatever your name is. My name is Questmaster. Questmaster. Timothy P. Questmaster. Timothy P. Questmaster. As well, Timmy.

TPQ. Something you should know about the freshwater lineage. Yes. We've got terrible incontinence coming out. Not just the willy. All right. So I need sanitary pads up in my armour. I don't have any! I'm sorry!

You have disappointed me, my avatar! I'm sorry, I thought it would be better if it was quick. Well, that's not good enough! You've got three more chances to bring this back, or I'll kill you! Oh, very well done. Oh, wait, so I didn't realise I was going to get... BAFTAs, everyone. Never been nominated for one.

Well, that's the first challenge done. Eli wins round one. Ethan, close but no cigar, but there are three more games to play. You could run away with all of them. We just don't know. We just don't know. Until we do them. Until we do them, we just don't know.

That's the nature of linear time, ladies and gentlemen. Right now, we just don't know, do we? It's linear time. It just goes from this moment into the future. Right. Stopping it. Who am I now? Right, you should now walk up on with your journey,

and I shall reappear when challenge two comes into view. Until then, I'm just going to go smoke some fags. I'm going to have a couple of fags and a stout. Stout? Yeah, stout. Stout? Yeah, stout. Guinness or like a craft? Newky Brown. Newky Brown.

I'm going to have some Newky Brown and some stouts and some snorts. And then, Eli, I'm going to look at you through the woods. I've given you chocker. Well, didn't the Knights give you chocker? Yeah, but you know. You went a bit Irish there as well. Hello there, diddly diddly. Can you just stop recording this bit now, please?

Because you've run out of things. I think I should. I think I should. Yeah. We had the BAFTA moment from Ethan there. Yeah, we did. It's really bad that you've run out of steam after game one. Yeah, it's typical, though.

How are we going to keep this going? I think he should start on the three Jack Daniels and Cokes he's got. Oh, it's time for quiz timothy p quiz master to hit the tins oh let's rock him it's very rock and roll jank isn't it very guns and roses right that's it that's it your lemmy or something hello hello everyone so we're wandering we're wondering and we're wandering i've got an itch for you to press that switch it's not recording well is it or isn't it is it it wasn't even english you're shit man you tell me do you

think you're a piece of shit maybe I'm just holding this for a while. What's that? I've got a dick fleck. Oh, scabby dick fleck. Fleck it off. Oh, it's Paul. Dick fleck, man. Ethan. Oh, dear. Alright, I'll take over. Yeah, please take over. Because at least you use fucking words and sentences.

Sometimes, sometimes. Not always. So, we're going for a walk. How are you feeling? I'm feeling alright again it's still a nice day it's been a lovely day we're sort of we're sort of

in the woods now like you know we're getting deep tree canopies we're shaded don't want to go I just want to flag it I don't want to go too far

because no we'll be fine because I'll pay for the car park yeah yeah we'll be fine we're not going to get too far deep look there's all paths and stuff. We already took two turnings, though, Paul.

Oh, we did. We took one. No, we did. If you remember, we did one quick one to the right and then another one. No, we didn't. That's the type of thing that you don't remember sometimes. We just went in one direction. Do you remember which way we...

If you just... Look, if you reverse the direction now, what would you say? Reverse the polarity. If we went up there, what way do we go? We go straight on. No. Left, then right, then straight. No, we go straight on, further down, past where we recorded,

and then just take a shot left of the car park. Easy. You're adding lefts and rights where we don't need to. Have you noticed the amount of butterflies that are flying by? Like, there's a lot of butterflies around here. And dragonflies. I like them. They remind me of magic.

I'll tell him to go back to his... No, he's got to follow us, hasn't he? Because he's the quest matter. He went back into the portal for a cup of tea. No, he follows us. There's a little ante room in the portal. Is there? Yes, it's quite membranous and damp, but...

No, I'm definitely here, though. No, he's just poking his head out the membranous hole. That's why you don't ask Eli to add to the lore of a podcast. So anyway, you know we've been talking about you taking over from Eli on the podcast permanently? Yeah, yeah. And maybe just, you know... He doesn't have time!

Raising the profile. Oh, trust me, Eli, I've got time. Oh, dear. Look at got time. Oh, dear. Look at that oak. It's a big old oak, that one. That's a fucking huge oak. We could do it there. I was going to say,

do you know what that looks like? That looks like the location for the second game. That is a smother oak. Look at that. I think so. I'm tingling in my chocker stick. Oh, look at that.

There's a little log. Oh, yeah. This is amazing. It's surprising there's no swing. That looks like swing property. This is a proper dingley dell this. Oh yeah, let's do it here then. I think you could do the next challenge here. Questmaster. Yeah.

Go get the knights then, from inside the portal. In the ante room. Alright. You in there knights? No. It's me, Peppery Rantz. I'll be a minute. I've just got to watch these up a bit.

He's watching. He's watching. Just give me a hand, Peppery Ransom. Here we go. Oof. Oof. Oof. Oh, they're very familiar.

Right. Let's settle down here where the second challenge will happen. Who are? You're a farmer? Yeah, back home my daddy runs a... Oh fuck off Timothy Von Questmaster. I mean, Timothy P Questmaster. Alright.

Yeah, Timothy P Questmaster, get it right. Well there's a little mouse hole at the bottom of the hill. There is a little mouse hole. Right, okay, so we're going to set up here for the next challenge. Join us. Well you have to, you're to you're already listening such a great oak you're going to climb it no there's no way up go and climb it okay i'll see does everything i challenge oh he's gonna he's attempting it oh he's got a foothold there's no way up man old there's no way up man

no there's no way up no you know and you're no er if I was a larger man I could do it just like so many other things

yeah no unless you're Tom Cruise you're not getting up there or Sherpa Tenzig yeah I don't know who that is he's one of the Sherpas that got er

all er your man up Everest am I high on that bit of fucking classy bastard with the fucking facts no don't know who that is. It's one of the Sherpas that got all your man up Everest. Am I high? A bit of a classy bastard with the fucking facts. No, don't worry, give up. Let's set up for the next challenge, the challenge of taste. This is really lovely. I just told Eli that there's no way I was going to record him peeing,

but I'm going to do it anyway because I've just decided to take it it off the stand well i'm not doing nothing i'll get you show me your willy can you stop just turn it off all right oh i can see his strangle i'll leave you be to pee Oh, I can see his strangle. I'll leave you be to pee. I see you. Flatter shaming. Worth it. Every single second of that is worth it for me. Eli's found something.

What have you found? It's gonna have dog eggs in it. It's a Tupperware box, Paul. It's got horrible shit in. No, no. Is that a condom? It's got a letter. It's some kind of time capsule. Shut up!

See what I mean? Close down the adventure. Why don't you just stay at home with Kleenex wiping you? Wiping it? God, the poo-pooer. Seriously right a little bit of magic happens a little bit of spontaneity spontaneity i won't eat that sphincter diamonds all right we'll look at the letter then just try and have a nice time Mr. Diamonds.

All right, well, look at the letter then. Just trying to have a nice time. Let's open this. This is an exciting and good thing. It may have anthrax or something in, but... Yeah, I'm going to stand over here while you open it in case it's full of dog eggs. There's a few items in here. There are.

Oh, my God. I told you. Go and take a picture. And this here has a dampness to it. So there's a co-op sandwich bag with what looks like... There's a little pad in the bag. It's got a bit damp from condensation. Did someone know we were going to do a price of shite or something

and just put it in the woods for us to find? It says on this piece of paper, congratulations, you've just found a geocache. This is a geocache! Oh my God! I don't know what that means.ocache this is a geocache oh my god no this is whole thing on youtube where like people like put coordinates like around the place and they leave something there and then people go and look for them so this is one of those well we could put it back so someone else we're gonna put it back we're gonna put it back for sure but let's investigate it a bit further so there's like there's three pencils a little

slinky uh a key ring of the Eiffel Tower, it looks like, and a golf tee. Yeah. We need to sign and date the logbook. Oh, we should sign it. Do you have a pen? Yeah, I do. Oh, this is cool.

And then we put it back. Yeah, we put it back because we're not playing the game, I guess. Leave only footprints. Yeah. Where's my pen gone? Oh, I've dropped my Twix. That's really cool really what day is it today i've gone stop making content while i'm looking for pens it's the 17th of july

do you remember exactly where i was nice this is really cool i just spotted it and i was taking a wink it's cool this is really cool well just what we'll do is we'll sign it and we'll describe to the listeners what's in there. Yeah. If there are any geocachers listening to this... Losers! Epping Forest, what you want to do, you want to park at the car park at the Chingford end, then walk down the field, then take a right, then go straight on. And then you'll find it in a dingley dell near the big oak. You do, but you cross a pathway first.

You cross a pathway, geocachers. Geocachers. Right Paul come on. This is a really cool find. Now do you want to know who the last people to find it were? Hang on, I'm going to stand. Yeah we're back. Do you want to know who the last two people to find it were? Yeah. Patel PB and Miss KTC. Weird names. Or is it Patel Miss and PBK? What the fuck? That might be online handles. Okay.

So there's this whole community on Reddit. Okay, so you've got Patel PB and Miss underscore KTC. I have to think you nearly pissed on it. It just didn't sound like normal people's names. I guess I'm an old fuddy-duddy. Now, are we going to add ourselves? Do you know what that was? Yesterday. Oh!

This is a thing. I saw it, so it wasn't that well hidden. If you're in the general area. It's off the main path. You'd have to delve into the woods a little bit. Totally. Now, should we try and fit on here or go to a new page?

Okay. Put Cheap Show on it. All right. Tell them that we've been here. At the Cheap Show pod. Okay, so look, the format is, what's the format? You put the date first and then the name.

All right, see. What is it, the 17th, did you say? Yeah, yeah. So just going through this little pot again, do we have to leave, do we leave something in here? I could leave something. something i could definitely leave yeah maybe we could like that's maybe there's tat in there so i put sweet chocca in no no so i'm just going through it again um there's three light uh pencils that you use for like golf yeah to keep you or if you're buying

something at argos or or in a betting shop like a bookie spencer uh golf tee a little slinky slinky so it has a face on it the slinky doesn't it yeah yeah let's get all the details little smiley face i've got one exact like that at home uh got uh what's that here's an old coin actually what is that it's like a little um it's like a little it's a it's an early learning center one pound coin. Oh, that's good. You get for sort of like, you get like a till. Yeah. This is really, this is an amazing find.

It is. Let's screw the quest. Yeah, let's leave little secrets around. Should I just put my first name, yeah? Just put Eli. I'm going to say for all of us, because you don't sign it. No, you can say, I'm Paul and Ethan. So yeah, I think maybe the idea is we make our mark, leave something in there, and...

Yeah, this is awesome. You've got loads of little doodads floating around, haven't you, Paul? Okay, there you go. I've done the book. Are we going to add anything to it? I think we should. Let me see what I've got. Yeah, see, you've got a little doodad to put in here. I don't know if I've got a doodad.

Usually I would, but I don't know if I do. I've got. Yeah, see you've got a little doodad to put in here. I don't know if I've got a doodad. Usually I would, but I don't know if I do. I've got no doodads. Should I leave a BBC visitors part in there? Yeah. No. Nah. Well, I've got a marker. We must have something between us.

I don't got... I mean, I've got a battery. I can give them a battery. No, that will leak in there. Yeah, I can't... I don't know. Pack of crisps? Not going to put a packet of crisps in there. Oh, I know what I know. I've got a little bag...

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! What? Oh, yeah! He's got a little record middle middle i've got a little 45 adapter for a seven inch single stick it in yes that's perfect for it there you go perfect for it good yeah then we put it all back in okay and i'll replace it yeah well what a lovely find that was what a lovely sojourn and i swear down life with this goes I'm sure there's some people that do geocaching you listen to this show

they'll probably be really interested in this yes so well if that's if that's you yeah yeah okay it wasn't dirty was it it was magical was it what you know what I take it all back that was one of the most magical moments of any cheap show ever. Right. I'll go put it back in the paddler piss I've fucking found. Right, and I'll get set up for the next challenge. Excellent. Oh, hello, fair knights. Are you ready for your next challenge? I was born ready!

Well, you didn't do too well, old fella, old chum, old pal, peppery rain rancid there, did you? That's because of my horrible small avatar. He's a piece of wank. Well, you know... Oh, that's not nice. You're not nice. He makes me all sticky in this chock-a-stick area. Oh.

Well, you know it's good, this character. He's all positive, isn't he? Now, do you think you'll be able to convince him to give a better performance against my fucking great avatar? Well, he better. Or he'll have my blade to answer to. And thank you very much for being a very sportsmanlike back in the portal hole and wadging up the old tenor into the old zone. Alright, well, we've established characters. Oh, my codpiece now. Very padded, thank you. I know no one asked. I'll tell you next time you go into the antechamber,

I do also have a certain problem I need help with. Oh, what's that then? I need you to place a cork up my arse. Okay. Okay. Can I come play? No, no way. This isn't a sex thing for Sir Salty Fresh One.

Nor is it a sex thing for Peppery Rancid. He obviously has some kind of residual bum leakage. Rancid poops. But it's a bit sexy. Maybe to you but I have a lady wife. Learn boundaries. Oh he's doing a thing. Get out of here. I'll take over. Okay good luck to you. Alright then I'll go sit over here. It's nice over here. I'm going to look at the geocache and put chocker in. Right, okay, shut up. What's the second challenge, Paul? It is a challenge of taste. It is a...

Diddle-diddle-um, diddle-um. Oh, off. Brand-brand-off, off. Brand-brand-off. Sitting in the woods and playing off. Brand-off, off. Brand-off, brand-off. Brand-off, brand-off.

Diddle-diddle-um-a-dum-a-loss. Brand-off. Oof. Right. So, you know how... Douche-douche. Double douche. Double douche. Yeah, yeah Brand off. Oof. Right. So, you know how... Douche, douche. Double douche. Double douche.

Aye, aye, aye. Double douche. Aye, aye, aye. Right. So, you remember how we've been told on Twitter to go and get those Walker's Crisps because one of them is flavoured like Wotsits and one of them is flavoured like pickled onion?

I've had the Wotsit one. Oh, yeah, you've had these ones then, the Walker's Watsits. Yeah, they were quite poor. No, because we're not using these today because there's no real... Equivalent. It's all cheese and onion.

So it's out of the picture. Can I try those, though? Yeah, later. They're very poor. I want to know just how poor they are. So here's what we're doing because there is a Walker's crisps monster munch pickled onion flavour.

Okay. But also Walker's munch pickled onion flavour okay but also walkers do a pickled onion flavour so you'll be tasked today to try one of these each and see if you can guess which one is walkers and which one is monster munch okay all right cool so opening thoughts ethan what do you think there would be the difference would be or do you think don't do that he's having a snuff early snuff i'm allowed to because i'm not playing the game am i they'll lose their juice by the time it gets to our gob that's not true i feel like they're probably i'm just gonna ignore him i feel like i feel like they're probably they can't be made in the same factory right well that's what this is my

this is my point same line like that's what what I'm thinking. Aren't they allowed to do that? Are they allowed to say these are pickled onion Monster Munch flavoured crisps? What's the difference? And these are just our pickled onion crisps and have exactly the same product. Isn't that false advertising? Well, having had the Wotsit crisps, they were different. But I don't know if that's because the cheesiness of the Wotsit doesn't really carry to a large potato slice. But there is a cheese crisp isn't

there out there in the world i know it's not a big thing in britain but i came up against the fucking hordes with this didn't i yeah on digitizer when i said there was no there's no cheese flavor crisp there was tater though but i just couldn't find tater cheese flavor for this it's tato do a cheese flavor yeah remember remember the big x ones as well the big they were great they were good fucking great chips have you had them? I have not, but I will now. Big X, man. Cheesy as fucking all hell. Here's the challenge.

I'm going to give you a crisp each from one of these two bags, and then I'm going to give you a second chip from one of these two bags, and I'll need you to tell me silently, by holding up one finger or two, tell me if you think the first one was Walker's or not. How am I going to blindfold myself? I don't know. You're just going to have to close your eyes and be honest.

What's that? Is that like... But then how are you going to put the crisp in? I could put you in your hand. Yeah, put it in my hand. You can't cover your head, because how are you going to put your mouth... You can't do that. Why?

No, I'm talking to him. I could go up underneath. Yeah, you could put it up underneath. Who are you talking to? No, I'm not talking to anyone anymore. I can't see. Right, OK. Right, we're both blindfolded.

Right, so... Can I... Is the sound coming out through the shirt? Yes, sadly. Are you sure? Yeah. Do you want to check the mic? I'm going to try and find two crisps of equal size from each pack. I'm covering, I'm not cheating. I'm going to give you.

Okay, I'm going to hold out my hand. Alright, okay. So, Ethan, what were you saying? Would you think there would be a difference or not? I don't think there will be. Put your hands out, Eli. I am giving you crisp number one. You don't know which bag it's from, but this is pickle crisp number one.

Okay, I'm going up under the shirt. Oh, that smells so much like a pickled onion flavour Walker's crisp to me. Oh, my God. I wish I hadn't ensconced myself in the shirt. All right, it's going in. It's going in. They're munching and they're crunching. And I know which one it is

That I've given them but will they be able to differentiate between the walkers regular spring Sprinkled onion pickled onion that just tastes exactly like that crisp to me. Okay, the walkers. I don't know what you're thinking Ethan. I am I need to I need to taste the other one see if there's any difference but are they is it strong notes? It's it's sharp with pickled onion. It's not as strong as a monster munch to me. Well, maybe that's the clue I need to taste the other one to see if there's any difference. But is it strong notes? It's sharp with pickled onion. It's not as strong as a Monster Munch. To me, well, maybe that's the clue, because to me that tasted exactly like pickled onion walkers,

which I love, by the way. You know, let's just make that clear. I fucking love that crisp. All right, well, shut up now. I'm having a fucking little mouth cum. Here is your second crisp. Put your hand out. One, two, in you go. Okay. I have now given them their second crisp, put your hand out. One, two, in you go. Okay.

I have now given them their second crisp. This smells... This one's got less amplitude. Less amplitude, it's got less odour, doesn't it? Yeah. It's thinner and much more vinegary, just one note vinegary. Oh, alright. Much more vinegary, wow, on the nose, wow.

That doesn't taste like pickled onion at all. They're nibbling and munching. But what is their hunting? There is no pickled onion sensation to that at all. Oh God, that's so weak show. That is really bland. That is bullshit. Weak show bullshit.

That's so bland. That's about half the amplitude of the last one. Half the flavour power. But then... Nothing. Now we hit a difficult thing because I thought that the first one was a little bit... Because it's stronger, that's making me think it might be the Monster Munch.

Yeah, I think you're wrong, because I think I'm very much familiar with pickled onion normal walkers. What a hill to die on. Well, I do believe that first one was the pickled onion walker, and the second one, because of what I've been hearing about the Watsit one being

a fucking bullshit crisp. I mean, that was bullshit. Oh, do you know what? Now you've said that. It is a bullshit crisp, isn't it? This is bullshit crisps. That second one, despite how much it did or didn't taste like a fucking Monster Munch, just tasted like shit, didn't it? Not a good

crisp, lads. The first, but you know what is a good crisp in my experience? You're not hearing about that right now. Focus. I'mads. You know what is a good crisp in my experience? You're not hearing about that right now. Focus. I'm focusing. You know what is a good crisp? You're a fucking wanker. Walker's pickled onion

is a good crisp, which that first one was. So, I mean, I'm... Are you going to lock in? I'm extremely surprised. I'm locking that shit right in. Okay, Eli, with fingers, just so you don't confirm it one way.

I've already told him what I'm going to do, though, haven't I? What is bag number one? Oh, yeah. So, bag number one, do you think that's Walker's then? Yes, that's what you're saying, the Walker's regular pickled onion? Yes. And you think number two is Monster Munch?

Yes. Okay. Ethan, what do you say? Well, the thing is, I agree, but I want to keep the game interesting. Oh. Well, if you agree, you can draw. You can draw and both get the point. We can take our eyes out now. You can draw and both get the point.

We can take our eyes out now. You can draw and both get the point. If you're right, you might be wrong. I think you're right. Well, you need the draw then

because otherwise you go too down. Yeah, but I want to keep it interesting. Oh, no, that makes it less interesting, doesn't it? Although there's

a big fight back. All right, I agree with Eli. All right, so you're both going to say pickled onion first, monster munch second. Yeah. Well, unfortunately, you're both right. Yeah, I knew it. You were right. Yeah, there you're both going to say pickled onion first, Monster Munch second. Yeah.

Well, unfortunately, you're both right. Yeah, I knew it. You were right. Yeah, there you go. You can have a try of them now that you've seen them. And then I'm going to get the bloopsy crisps. These are just terrible. It's like they've...

Like, if you go into the amplitude on this one, like, if you have a sniff of that compared to this, these smell stale. Yeah, and vinegary. And these were only bought a couple of days ago to this this is these smells stale yeah and vinegary and these are only bought a couple of days ago so it's not like they've been sitting in a cupboard for months no that's what i was thinking but like you know they're not there's just nothing to these like they're just sort of terrible really bland weird you wouldn't think they'd be that much of a difference in fact you'd think they'd just rip them off and do the same well no because they go because these are these are a bit more of a niche thing because I've noticed on this pickled onion crisp packet it says puckering so it's that real intensity of the of the vinegar flavour. Did you try it? Some people just don't like it. I thought

they were piss. Yeah. Terrible. Now can I try these are the Watsit walkers now Eli is now trading which is just normal walkers crisp but now with a Watsit cheese covering. I found these such a milky smell when i had them they were really quite there's a staleness to the smell but there's a real what's it is there's sort of artificial cheese flavor smell on it it doesn't smell like opening a packet of watsits though no you know what that smells like yeah it smells like dirty bum fingers and i should know it doesn't have that it's like very artificial cheese on the nose It doesn't have that... It's like very artificial cheese on the nose.

Oh, he's not liking that. His face is all a crumple. No. For me, when I had them, I felt like that they'd put like the cheese dusting on them, the watsits had, but it was like done inconsistently, so it was like in little clumps.

And so you didn't get like the full... Because like part of it was like kind of really cheesy, but the rest of it was just sort of like a bland crisp to me that is quite milky and sweet where it needs to be tangy you know craft macaroni cheese yeah yeah yeah yeah god but it's like that milky sweet note rather than the tangy salty note you know that's a mistake it's not enough tang and salt but there's too much sort of milk and uh it just works better with the texture of a wap too they're sort of melty yeah go on it's just at least that one sweet. I think it just works better with the texture of a Wattu. The sort of melty corn. At least that one relates to what a Wattu tastes like.

To me, these Monster Munch pickled onion ones, they're nothing like it. When you open a packet of Monster Munch and that smell hits you. Yeah, there's none of that. With that, it's nothing. I'm going to use a word, and I don't want to use this word because it's not very nice. Mid.

Oh, I thought you were going to say something much worse. Really, really mid. It's extremely mid. Well, the winner was going to win this packet of it's not very nice. Mid. Oh, I thought you were going to say something much worse. Really, really mid. It's extremely mid. Well, the winner was going to win this pack of crisps, but you can share it. It's Tato Worcester Sauce. Spelled very strangely. We had Liam Perrin's Worcesters, S and M.

B and M. What are they called? Seabrooks. Liam Perrin. Seabrooks, right? Oh, Seabrooks was the crisps. Yes, Liam Perrin Worcester. For the record, these ones are...

They're spelt Worcester, W-U-S-T-E-R. Yeah, the proper way. As opposed to the proper way. But isn't that also mirroring Ulster? Oh, maybe. I don't know. Maybe. Or maybe there's a place in Ireland called Worcester.

Yeah, because that looks like an Irish spelling. Remember how we said we don't remember too many Worcester sauce crisps? Now, here we are with another one. So give these a quick taste, see what you think. Oh, extreme. too many Worcestershire sauce crisps and here we are with another one. So give these a quick taste. Extreme. Oh there's almost a fish undertone on the smell there. That might be the anchovy. Yeah it might be. That is fishy. You know what I mean. That is fishy. Oh god. They're strong. I remember. That's a lot stronger. A lady's vagina smelt of fish? Is that the level? No, of Worcestershire sauce. I can't do her name. Leah Perrin.

That was her name. These nice crisp tatoes, you can see that they've left the skin on this. That's how you do it. Good dimension to them. Good crisp, good crunch. How are they? That's weird. Quite sweet. I quite like them. Good crisp, good crunch. How are they?

That's weird. Quite sweet. I quite like them. Yeah? Well, lovely. There's sort of a development on the palate. It's really quite odd. I like them but... That's it, it's got an evolution. It's got an evolution. Do you want to give them a go Paul? Oh yeah, nice journey.

It's like sweet and then there's a tartness in the mid. Well, maybe with like prawn cocktail, Chris. Yeah. But smokier, almost. Yeah, yeah. More Worcester Saucery. I feel like this is an event, Chris.

A bit more peppery. And nice, Chris. These aren't crisps that I'm not going to just slam. These are crisps that I want to sit down and have. They are nice. Those are nice. I would pick those out. Do you know what?

I've had a few now and there's some spice on the back as well. That's what I mean. That's nice. It's an evolution from sweet to a little bit of tartness in the mid and then a sort of

spiced finish. That's, for a crisp, that's doing a lot. That's what I mean. Tato are like heavyweight. Their cheese and onion is like,

is fucking full band. Fucking, this goes up to 11 cheese and onion, isn't it? This is like, this goes, Can I come over now?

It's challenge done. Who won it? They both drew. They both get a point. Oh that's good. I'll take the knights to the portal then and we'll come back later. And that's that? You do your knight's voice. I've got a wodge on, I've got a watch on, I've got a watch on. So much tenerman in my armour. You spanked my armour. It's all watched up with tenerman.

Now listen here, salty freshman. I've got a bottle of champagne in the ante room. We're going to open it up and before we can have any to drink, I need you to insert this cork into my bleeding, rotting anus. Oh, is it bleeding? Yes! It's rancid! Do you know what's good for that? These pads I use. They're 10 of them pads. They'll soak up a lot of the blood.

I don't want to infringe on your copyright. I don't want to go with them no more now. Have you got some kind of cork for your ain't hole? Cork for your ain't hole! I'm gonna go in a different place! Alright, well, we'll catch up with everyone later. Bye everyone. Get into your hole. Blop, blop. Where's the cork for your rain hole? Cork for your rain hole! I'm gonna go in a different place! Alright, well we'll catch up with everyone later. Bye everyone, get into your hole, blop blop.

Right, where's this cork for your rain hole? Okay, here comes the champagne! Boong! 48. I am. Stone. Round four. No, we need more space for round four. Look, do you know the way back, Paul?

Just back that way. Stop fucking whinging. We're not that deep into the forest. It's fine. We are quite deep. Not that deep. Look at the silver birch. It's been a couple of hours of walking, that's all, until I find the right spot. Look at that beautiful birch. Don't be sexist yeah the problem with a couple of hours of walking is that like i've got to be back at the car in a couple of hours we'll get back we're looking we'll do we're nearly we're nearly done

and then we'll get back shut up you're both waning i don't get it those crisps i'm hungry now i haven't got any food left it was just those crisps and that peanut butter bar. You took us out into the woods. Didn't bring a picnic or nothing. Well, it's not a picnic. It's a quest, isn't it? It's Gannon's Golden Quest. It's not Gannon's Golden Picnic, is it? It's a gas burner thing, though. Yeah, you've got Cali gas. What's this on the back, on your back rack here? It's all the stuff for the challenges and all the technical equipment so we can record

the fucking show. That's what it is on my back, mate. I don't know. I don't know about this mate okay what do you want to do go back just because you're a little bit lost and you're scared you're both being pathetic fuck off it's not i'm being pathetic i've like i've got i paid for parking okay now guys if this i just want to say at this stage right if this does go downhill i think that what i've demonstrated is my value with golden wand my area i'm not having you talking about your golden one okay no and no ethan ethan in fairness his golden wand was pretty special and i think that should give me leadership basically i

should get all right leader what do we do next then eh you stupid hairy ball bag what are you gonna do next day don't talk like that to the leader i'm sorry officer ball bag look at the arm What are you going to do next, eh? Ball bag? Don't talk like that to the leader. I'm sorry, Officer Ball Bag. Look at the arm. Look at the arm. I'm looking at it.

It's the golden wand of magic producing golden showers of joy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Chocker? Shut up. Is Eli making chocker? I've given him chocker. Did you? The knight gave him chocker.

He had a fucking chunky... If a chunky peanut butter Kit Kat isn't chocker, I don't know what the fuck is. What's it coming to, this world? Huh? So anyway, we're walking anyway right now in the midst of Epping Forest. It's a beautiful location. Sun's streaming in. Sun's out.

Gun's out. We're walking. Golden wand. Look, there's a pathway. Orange arrow. Which means what? It means that at least we're on an arrow path. Okay, okay.

We can't get lost if there are arrows. There's no... Look, does that look like a clearing? It's not. We need more clearing. I'm looking for a specific place for this next challenge. There's Adele coming up. Look.

Adele's coming up. I like her music. I don't. I'm sorry. Scaffold. I don't get it with her. Guys, on a serious note, what is the deal? Oh, mate, we're not doing what's the deal with Adele music. Come on. I don't get it with her. Guys, on a serious note, what is the deal? Oh, mate, we're not doing what's the deal with Adele music.

Come on. I don't get it. Do you want to be a stand-up comedian or something? No, I failed at that. All right. I think this might be a good place for the next challenge. Hang on. Oh, look.

Oh, I think so, yeah. I think it's happening. This is the perfect place for the next challenge. You're doing all right. You don't have to walk, do you? You stick your head out of the fucking portal every now and then bloop oh so i resent having to carry the portal like it's quite heavy and mingy it's very much like a space vagina oh thank you for carrying my space fanny right let's go over here and set up for the next challenge all right why do you

pronounce it like that? Challenge. I'm from the northern co-op fear of Nobblestone. And we speak like that there. Oh, is that? Now he's revealing something. He's from Nobblestone. Let's hot seat you a bit now. There's nothing really going on.

What's your relationship status? Single. I could have guessed that. Quest must have loved himself. Yes. How does he administer love to himself, though? Chock-a-stick, Robin. Questmaster love himself. Yes. How does he administer love to himself, though? Chock-a-stick, Robin. Chock-a-stick. Right.

You set it up, Paul. I'll set it up, and we'll get the next challenge going. This is a nice one. It's Fikey Farm territory, but this looks all right here. We don't need to sit down for this one. Oh. Ah, yeah. This is an activity episode segment.

Yeah, how about that? Here we go. Wherever I rest my ring, that's my home. And he's rested it on his stump. I've rested me air beyond me stump. Therefore, golden wand. Stump man is back. Speak, council of games speak shut up right we're gonna end this

forever Ah, welcome to the special forest section for your third game. Good one, Questmaster, yes. And I, in my position as the knight of the quest so salty fresh water one do ask what will our avatars be partaking in in this one and also i'm here i know did your bottom get a corking oh don't worry about it did no you said you got scratching the inside of my anal cavity as we speak oh did i was it a big cock a big cock? Rancid. Was it Dom Bellanon? I've been trying to get him to go with Tenor's products, but it's stuck in his ways.

It's the analogue of anal... It's essentially cork. It's like cork you'd get in a wine bottle or something. He's putting that into his arse. There's so many products for bleeding on the market, especially Tenor, who don't sponsor the Salty Fresh one, by the way. I'm so peppery rancid. And I'm more interested in what he's got to say. On the market. Especially Turner, who don't sponsor the Salty Fresh one, by the way. I just use them.

I'm so peppery rancid. And I'm more interested in what he's got to say than your cork breakdown. You hear that? Now that's a turn up for the books. Right. I've got it wadged, just to let you know, though. I'm going to go over here. I've got it wadged.

It's three or four inches of good, hard, compressed wadgeage. Wadgeage in the cod market. All right, I'll take over. The cod basket, I say. You can go now the in the cod ma... in the cod basket I say. The metal cod basket. The wadge in the cod basket. I'll punch you with my fists. I'll punch you with my fists until you shut up and then stop breathing. Well if you're going for a duel with something fresh like... Eli, I'm talking to Eli. I'm gonna punch you. I'm gonna punch you with my fists until things stop. Threat of violence? Just saying. I'm going to punch you. I'm going to punch you with my fists until things stop. It's the threat of violence.

I'm just saying. That is the threat of violence. Eli, you've got a dead leaf on the front of your little hat. It's a visor. No, it was a dead leaf, definitely. Hey! The third game is called the Raleigh Race. The Raleigh Race.

The Raleigh Race. I had this relay stick. Raleigh. Raleigh. Raleigh Relay Race. Raleigh Relay Race. Raleigh Relay Race. Is it a really wild show?

It's Michaela Strachan's really, really wild relay race. Oh, can I be Michaela? Sorry. Just because it's an audio format, let me tell you what Eli did. He grabbed his breasts in a pert bounce squeeze motion it was very coquettish very coquettish thank you but also she is a hero of mine yeah just looks like it looks like you were in all the wrong different parts of the hit man and her oh man I used to watch that do you remember that guy who used to have the wig this black guy was

a dancer and he had this funny sort of neon wig on and he'd be like topless dancing in all the clubs they went to and you'd stay up and you'd go oh it's him

and then you'd go oh it's him again right so here's the game this is a wand remember on the Leicester Comedy Festival it looks like a dildo

it looks like a lightsaber stump it looks like a lightsaber stump or as Ethan so proudly pointed out a dildo. I didn't say it with pride. You did.

Nothing we say around here are we proud of. So, look, here's what the game's going to be. I'm going to set a clock for 40 seconds on this, right? And what happens is, on the top, there's a little ring that lights up a colour. It's either going to be red, purple, yellow, blue or green. When that flashes, you race to one of the pods I've put out into the woods. You can see them just around us. They're little pods that you slam the relay in.

They have a hole-shaped bracket hole. Yes, they have a hole bracket in. But look, see, there's a purple one there, there's the red one, yellow one behind me, blue one over there and green by the tree. Did you know about 20% almost of men are colourblind? Did you check with Ethan whether he's colour blind are you colour blind

Eli no then can we move on it would have been worth checking though is what Eli's saying that's all I'm saying alright fine

but I didn't basic sort of care as a producer of the show god it's bad with one but two two naughty nights oh

I can't naughty nights no more naughty nights I don, I can't. Naughty nights. No more naughty nights. I don't need another. You got me to stop doing the night, but it's threatening to punch me in the face. Yeah, because you're going on and on about cork. Right.

Watch it. So, the game is, in 40 seconds, you have to hit as many of these coloured pods around us as possible, right? As pod-cible. As pod-cible. Yeah. that simple. As pod-cible. And what I'll do is I'll turn it on, set the timer, you'll race, run around, try and do as many as you can in 40 seconds.

It'll flash a colour. When you put it in the pod, it will change to your next colour and you run to that one. They're random so that you won't be in a pattern, all right? Okay. Who wants to go first, Ethan or Eli? Rock, paper, scissors, so it won't be in a pattern, all right? Okay. Who wants to go first, Ethan or Eli? Want to rock, paper, scissors it? Well, you can decide whether you want to go, because you're the guest.

Do you want to rock, paper, scissors it? Yeah, rock, paper, scissors it. Okay, sure. All right, okay, so it'll be three, two, one, show. Ready? Yeah. Three, two, one, show. Oh, paper is eaten by scissors, so that means...

Ethan can be fucking moron. Ethan gets that point so that means you get to pick Eli's going first Eli's going first so 40 seconds Eli

mind the camera we're filming this for our Patreon supporters this whole walkabout will be featured on that network

right are you ready Eli I'm going to turn this on and then set 40 seconds I'm stretching out and then at the bottom it will tell me what the final score is when the time runs out. I'm stretching. I've done this. Eli hasn't got a chance to stretch. That's that cork in your bum. Do you want to stretch Eli?

That's the character for fuck's sake. That's the knight Paul. You can't cross the street like that. He just doesn't take it seriously at all. He just goes, yeah, tuck it. Do you want me to punch you? Close. No. I'll punch you with my fists. Fucking shut up. Get on with it. Until No, no. I'll punch you with my fists. Fucking shut up.

Get on with it. Until your organs stop. I'm ready now. This is the problem with the law. The last time I was on Cheap Show, we were having a fight. Yeah, but that was all set up for a whimsical gag about my thievery. Which, you know, just for the record, is not a real characteristic of me and no one really thinks I nick from them.

Eli, though. Eli, though. Dirty fingered Eli. Golden arm. hands dirty hands golden arm and dirty hands i think we've got the title for the show yeah right golden arm and dirty hands the new kids show can i have the i've got to set it so here we go i'm setting it now set it and forget it right here we go yeah you'm setting it now. Set it and forget it. Right, here we go. Eli, you've got to come here because the minute I started, by pulling this trigger... Right, I've got to set the time first. Right, I'm setting the time.

Here we go. 40 seconds. When you're ready, Eli, pull the trigger and go for your first colour. Alright, back away. Alright. Ready? I need to do commentary, that's why I'm standing here. I'm going to stand here so it's not in the way. away. Ready? I need to do commentary, that's why I'm standing here. I'm going to stand here so it's not in the way.

Ready? Go. Green. He's off to the green. And he's found it, it's by the tree and he's clicking it down. What's the next colour? Blue apparently. He's not shouting it out. He's focused. Next one, it's either a red or an orange. Which one is it? It's yellow by the looks of it. He's running to it. That's only three. Back to red. Red's over there. That's purple, Eli. He's got to run to the red. Bang it in. What colour next? Purple now. So I think that makes five so far.

Back to red, is it? Or is it another purple? Oh, it's another one. Oh, he's back to red. Two in a row. That's going to give him an extra bit of time on the clock. And it's over to green, which is the tree. How are we doing for time? I'm not quite sure. That's it. It's almost out.

That's it. Time is up. Show me the scores. Eight. Eight. Eight. Eli, that was eight. How do you think you felt? Don't touch my stump.

You're knocking the microphone. Get off the stump. He's run off to a tree to cry he's staggering against the tree oh dear you're gonna have to get out the way mate you're in the area of the green pod you're in the danger zone you're in the danger zone mate you want to get out the pod he's going to hide behind a tree okay right okay I'm going to reset this. I've never seen him so knackered. After 40 seconds of activity, Eli. That was 40 seconds of sprinting, though. He was going for it. Yeah, he was.

He's to change your direction. Yeah. You've got a proper sweat on with your visor. Oh, dear. Right, here we go. I'm going to reset it. Here we go. So I'll hand it to you and you pull this trigger when you're ready to go, all right? Absolutely. Setting 40 seconds on the clock. Right, pull the trigger when you're ready to go. OK.

What have we got? Yellow. Yellow is over there. There we go. He's off to yellow. He's off to the races. Ethan puts the yellow one down. Push it down.

Green is the next one on the top of the tab. He races to the tree where the green is. It's two. And that's two now. Now it's either red or purple. I can't quite make it out from this direction but it looks like red right now and he's off straight into the red. Blue is it?

He's off to blue which is over there right ahead of us at the 12 o'clock position. What's that number? That's like four now. Oh another one. Is that purple or red? Purple's there. It's about this point, Paul, that he's starting to think, -"Fuck this." -"Fuck this game." Back to red.

Oh, he could beat me. He's running out of time. Green by the tree. Can he squeeze this last one in? Oh! No! He just missed a hole! How much did you get? Six. Six. Not enough.

Six. Eli wins this game. Eli, congratulations. He got the double. He got the double. He did get? Six. Six, not enough. Six. Eli wins this game. Eli, congratulations. He got the double. He did get the double. I just want to say thank you to everyone. Hello. Oh, hello. I've got to get out of the way and eat my character.

Where is your character? I can't be in properly without the hat. Oh, Eli, congratulations. You have won the third challenge, making it 2-1 to you! Well I don't, I just sort of wake up into this, it's like a nightmare, it's a bit like a squid game. I just wake up and I have to do this and then someone else seems to be enjoying something else. Yeah, well you did good so you won this one. That's two. You could win the star prize. Ethan, how do you feel? I feel like I've let down my knight.

Peppery Rancid is here! He frightens me. I'm going to stomp on your gonads! No, Rancid, don't! Look, we've had our fun. You know why I did incarcerate you all those years ago? But this short little bitch has let me down! No, don't let...

It's only games. Don't be bad. Don't hurt me. Don't hurt me, Peppert Rancid. Peppert Rancid, leave your avatar alone. You've got one more game to bring this to a tie or I'll kill you. Oh, I don't like him.

Okay, I'm going back in the portal. I've got a tea. I'm with you. I've got a cup of tea. Let's have a cup of tea and leave these boys alone. Whee! I don't know what that was. Yeah, no, it takes it out of you, that, doesn't it?

Yeah. It's the changing direction. Third, that was the third one. I had to have a moment there after I'd finished where I could not speak. Really, I feel like, I'm not disputing your win, but I do feel like my opposite ends most of the time. Oh, you never know. It is random, you know it is random

though it is random and actually you could have been you could have been a lot closer there because you just uh you you would have been seven yeah you got the double on the last one you got the double on the purple oh yeah lucky all right well that's just the way the game rolls we could do that we could do that 10 times you know what let's do that another ten times. No, no, no. He'll accept that. No, no, no. I'm not doing it again. Paul should do it. Paul should do it.

I want to do it for laughs. Can you beat eight? I've got to beat eight. I'll put my phone down. You watch this bastard run. Here we go. Yellow. I'm off.

He's off. Right, he's got yellow. Quick one. Red. He's off to... Yeah, he's right across the field. Was it purple? It was purple, yeah. Now it's red. That's three. I, he's got yellow. Quick one, red. He's off to... Yeah, he's right across the field. Oh, is it purple? It was purple, yeah.

Now it's red. That's three. I don't know what... He's sort of holding his shirt together. It's quite funny. He's got shit in his shirt. You see it quite well. You can run.

There's a panic to him. Do you see the panic in his eye? He won't go in. That was it, it was it, I think. Oh, he could beat me here. Yeah, he's doing well. That's seven now. I think he had a bit of a...

Is that seven? Eight. Oh, he tied. I could have done it. No, I don't think you could have actually. I could have got that and I'd not. It was Duke, Duke, it was just counting them down. I heard it just there.

So yeah, if you hadn't had that struggle with the blue, you wouldn't have had that. It was close, well done. He drew, drew the best time there. I think you, I think that was mechanical failure. Yeah, mechanical failure. Well, I still remain, draw for first. Yeah, it hits you as soon as you stop, doesn't it?

We're three very unfit men and I've got three fags I'm feeling a bit better about my fitness after watching you two so that's good okay fair enough

alright well let's have a little break and then we'll continue for our last challenge Paul fell down go boom he fell down that was quite dramatic

like eight shit it was like slow-mo because I had it going boop oh it got me 10,000 steps in yay you would have won if you'd have won oh well down that was quite dramatic though it was like slow-mo because i had to go oh i got me 10 000 steps in hey you would have won if you had won oh well still what a lot of fun i'll see you later is that your br Forsythe?

Ethan, do you hear that terrified animal somewhere in the forest? It sounds like a wild Forsythe. Yeah. That's its mating cry. I recognise it. Lovely bit of business. It's looking for the anthea corvid. Apparently, if you catch one and make a wish, nothing will happen because it's just a bird. This is Eli.

Right, well, there you go. Eli's had two drinks and now he thinks he's Bruce Forsythe. God almighty. This is staying in. Yeah, this is the bulk of this segment it's going to be eli stop right you can stop it now look at this look at this lovely area we're in lovely epping forest nice area we're into now paul ah it's very much oak dominated in terms of species of tree oak dominated i got nothing you don't have nothing. You've got less than nothing.

And what's less than nothing? Something. So we've got something here. Which is nothing. We're cooking. We're cooking on nothing. I've got a pocket full of bollocks. She's got a pocket full of me.

What the fuck? I've got a pocket full of happy thoughts. So let's go on. And I'm going to have some tea. There you go. I've got to pocket full of happy thoughts so let's go on and I'm going to have some tea I'm going to eat a pickle what are you going to have on the side I'll have sauce lots of sauce and noodles

fucking miles wide pathetic ribbon noodles we're at a tea junction a fork in the road and there's a knife in the road. And a spoon in the road. And a spoon in the road.

And chopsticks in the road. There is very much a spoon in the road right now. A Vichyssoise fork in the road. Vichyssoise. Fish knife. Don't get Vichyssoise with me. I've got a pocket full of bollocks. She's got a pocket full of me.

And I've come down to her old half and I'm going to have a fucking tea. Yeah, but left or right, Eli? I think right looks better. Yeah, but left looks spookier. In terms of a location. Look, it's more open. We want to get this fucking over and done with.

Come on. I like walking. We can see from what I've just gone through that I'm at the end of this now, Paul. I'm at the end of this recording session now. How are you feeling? We need to get out. I reckon I can go for a little bit longer,

but I do need to get back to the car at some point. Mate, stop going on about that. Seriously, we're not too far away. We've been walking for four hours. It's going to take four hours to go back. Do you know what I mean? We'd better get going then. We'll do one last game.

We'll do one last segment over there. Well, I haven't got any water left. I've got some, don't worry. I'm fucking hungry. I've got no food. You've been eating

all of those crisps. Yeah, well, Eli ate them. I thought I was invited to finish off the fucking Tato Worcesters, which were fucking cool.

We'll just say best crisp of the episode. Oh, there you go. There's something. But that's all I brought. Oh, but a strong contender, Walker's pickled onion. How could you have a product like fucking that shitty Monster Munch one, and then... It was poor.

But then to have a crisp of such brilliance, of such brilliance with the pickled onion one, of such simplicity. Why don't youiance with the pickled onion one. Of such simplicity. Why don't you go back to just doing Brucey? Why don't you shut up, Paul? Look, we're going to go this way, because this way at least goes back. Oh, we won't go. We won't.

Come on, Ethan. What do you think? I mean, that one's got a dappled sunshine, Paul. Fine, we're going where the sun is dappled. Yeah. We're going where the sea is green. We don't want to go in your spooky forest. It's not about spooky.

It is about spooky. It's epping. It's not spooky. But if we go that way, at least we're heading back the way we came. This way goes further out. We're only going back the way we came. We're only going just up here. We're only going just...

You're lost, Paul. You're absolutely lost. You're lost. You don't want to admit it. Well, my phone battery died a while ago, so I've not been really looking at a map. Well, why don't you bring a portable charging deck or something? I didn't get one.

You didn't get one as an after show present? I wasn't in a successful sitcom that handed them out like candy afterwards. No, I didn't. That was a conversation that happened off pod. But now we've brought it in uncontextualised. Bring it in, I'll bring it in the circle. Dragonfly. Oh, they're fuckers.

Where? Over there. Oh, that's a bastard. That's a big blue bugger, isn't it? That's the size of a hummingbird. I'm the big blue bugger. Oh, I've heard all about you. Well, look, where do we go now?

There's now three paths. Well, shouldn't we do the last bit of the fucking show up there? Do you want to do it in the... That looks very nice. It's a meadow. It's dappled. It's a lovely dappled meadow. Do you want to do it dappled? Some lovely mid-range oak trees in a stand.

It's not even a copse. It's a stand of trees over there. It's a stand. Lovely airy bits in between. And you need to fucking get your act together, my friend. What do you mean? I swear to God. We've had a lovely quest.

I've had two Red Bulls. Yay, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay. Stop off. Stop off. Stop off. Stop off. Stop off a Lappadoss. Give me back that thing.

We'll finish it off when we're in the trees. What thing? What do you want to finish off in the trees? Your knob. If you want. I mean, I'm hungry. I don't want. Yeah, well, you're not that hungry.

I'll gulp down your gunch. You can't take that. Don't give a fucking hell. Come on, guys. Raise your game. Let's just... Let's go and record this. Let's do the final challenge.

I think the quest master is tingling. Oh, fuck that. Are you recording now? I am recording now. Is it nights first? Wait. Or is it avatars first? Avatars first. Hello.

We're the Avatars. Yeah. Well, that was close, the last one. I beat you by one, what are they called? Stumps. What are they called? One stump. Point.

Just call it a point, Rodney. One plonkers. So you lost by a plonker. I won by a plonker against him. I think it might have been two plonkers actually. I think it was six. Six to eight. And you scored eight again didn't you? Yeah I did. That was dramatic but it doesn't count.

You're not playing. You're not playing. No because I am not playing because I am the... I am the quiz... er... Questmaster! I am Timothy P. Questmaster! So until the first one, at your service... Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Peppery Ranty!

Oh, there you are! Yes! I've got all these... Three adult men in the woods doing this. I've got all these... We're being watched by so many joggers! I've got these... Jog off!

I've got a whole set of bum tampons hanging down. Is that it, though? You're just obsessed with the bum? No, that's just what I have to do as a knight. It gets very chafey in this armour. But I... What? Shut up.

I mean, shut up! Because it is time to play the final game. Right. I favour another jerking. Yes. Do you find it chafes, though? I find I jerk off in the jerkin'. Oh!

Shut up! Right, characters stop now. We're doing the last game. Characters stop now. Because we're really deep in the woods. The dappled sunlight is... I can go with a character though if you wanted. I'd rather you didn't, sir. Oh, he was going to go in for some violence. I was, I was just touching you. I thought he was going to kiss you.

Give Giel a kissy on the head. A kiss is a violent gesture with me. We've been over this. We've been over this. Your love is as caustic as your hate. Yeah. My love. Imagine my love and my hate with the same intensity, Eli.

What would you do with it? Every day. Just do the game. Do the game. Right, so the final game is this. So remember when we did the first golden quest and we got to the heath and we had to play jenga with the vibrating dynamite thing yes heath extension yeah that was a beautiful day as well and also all jokes aside guys it's been great

all right i agree yeah it's been a nice it has been a lovely day out whoever wins which will be me let's just you know well it does stand that you winning two games and you winning one game you can only draw have you got a tiebreaker i do have a tiebreaker i do probably won't be necessary though okay but we'll see i don't know you might win this one because this is a jenga today but it's a different type of jenga this is called jenga i think it's called touch hang on it's in me bag of tricks what else is it called caress Jenga pass challenge it's nothing like touch

you just think touch all the time so this is basically Jenga but the difference is rather than being on a flat surface it's been given to you on this kind of handle grip see it's on this little rack here and I can pick it up and the idea is you hold it you take your piece out and put on the top as you would normal jenga but then you have to pass it to the

other person and they take it and do their move and then pass it back when what if it what if it tumbles in between when both people have their hands on the handles well if it's in that moment where two hands on it and it tumbles then i don't know but hopefully read the rules before you start this i think we have to fight i think we have to fight to the death i think you just got to be careful seriously okay i put this way if it tumbles when you're both holding it you both lose no look at the rules which are literally over there i bet you it doesn't even mention that i put it back in its class it must even mention that i put it back in its clasp it must it must oh hello i'm elon musk build the tower pull from the yeah and put it on the top pass the tower keep going until the tower falls how to win be the last player to successfully stack a block and pass the platform without causing the tower

to crash so when you pass the platform with the block stacked on it, your turn is not considered successful until you are no longer holding or touching any part of the platform. I'm explaining the rules. Maybe the question... Let me explain the rules. It's right here. If the tower falls while both players

are touching it in any way, both players lose. Which was... What did I say at the beginning before i read the instructions yeah i just wanted that to be made clear well now it has been made clear we can do it one of two ways pass back and forth or you can put it back in its stand i've done enough bending over for you for a long time eight years no less yeah it's probably longer eight years of this eight years of stretching and taking what I give you. Stretching what?

I stretch what you give me. What, I stretch your dick? Is that what you're saying? Stretching and taking what you give me. I think we can both agree it's been a long day and we're both tired and this humour is not working, but stay away from the tower. It's working for me. Stretch it!

I'm going to pick up this tower, and then because Eli went first last time, I will hand it to Ethan first to make the first move on this game. All right? That's fine. So, are you ready? You take from the middle and you put it at the top.

You've played Jenga before. The difference is you're handing it back and forward per move. Got it. Right? Got it. And I'll be doing running commentary. So here we go.

I'm picking it up with one hand and I'm going to hand it to Ethan. So just know you hold it with one hand. You't hold it with two so you make your move with the other hand right are you ready to go yeah okay we're ready to go ethan begin the jenga pass challenge he's taking one from the side four rows down it's a stack of eight it's eight levels that's shorter than the normal it's shorter but i think that makes more sense considering the play style we have because basically this jenga thing is on a little handle with a platform and that platform is where the tower is stacked so as a

result they're handing the platform to each other with the jenga stack on so what are the rules if i touch a block do i then have to con no in this version it says you can do a bit of a touch, but don't push your luck. Is that what it actually says in the rules? Don't push your luck. Yeah, don't go. Don't be a cheeky boy. Go easy. Oh, Eli's lost. Already it's all over.

That was quick. Shit game. Do you want to do best out of three? Best out of three. All right, we're going to do... I'm happy to call it here. Yeah, I'd be happy to call it here. That was shit, Eli.

That was the shittest thing I think I've ever seen you do. It's like you held it. I'll have to do the tiebreaker now, then. Is that it? Best of three or tiebreaker? We're going to do best of three, because otherwise this isn't exciting. It was exciting.

It was. It was just Eli looking at it until he just tips it over. I'm not used to this. Yeah, no, that's the point of these kind of games, isn't it? It's not like here's something you're familiar with, do it all the time with ease. You should do one like that, though, one time, one of the golden quests.

Oh, I just squashed a spider. And a knife that block. And a knife that block. Look. Oh. A battle enemy. Squashy, squashy. There we go. Right. You need to... Let's do the sides.

Scooch the sides. Yeah, so Eli's got to correct the sides. I'm going to go for part two. In fact, you know what? We did do this with the other Jenga game. We did a best of three. You've got a best of three. So yeah, we'll do best of three. But that means you're starting it, holding it this time, alright? Do you want me to pass it to you? Yes. So you can be in a standing position. Right, here we go. It's because I'm all right here we go stand out the way of the camera it's not because you're on an

even ground right i'm handing it over you're just taking one hand trying to get here we go it begins uneven ground i tells you eli go grab it he's got it go okay He's taking from what level? He's looking at all the fourth from the bottom level up and he places it on the top and now he's passing it to Ethan. Ethan now takes it with his hand and they've swapped over. Excellent. Oh, he's taking it from that corner as well. Oh, and that's the side with the dead spider on.

Will that be a good omen or not? But look at that little move. He balances it with his left, moves with his right, and hands it back over to Eli. Eli's now in control. Eli has now got only got the control. Only got control. Only got the control.

All right, where's he going through now? Oh, he's taking it. Is that from the bottom? Is he taking it from the bottom? He's taking it from the very bottom. He's sliding it out. He's pinching it. He's pinching it at one end, pushing and pinching. And there we go. On the top. Now he's handing it back over to Ethan. This is thrilling, thrilling stuff. Oh, wibble wobble, wibble wobble goes the tower. But no, Ethan now takes a stand.

He's now taking a block from the side, placing it on the top like a pro, hands it back, makes that look easy, and Eli's back in control. And now I'm going to be a bastard. What's Eli doing? He's taking off the tower. No, okay. I'm not doing anything. You taking off the... Oh, okay.

I'm not doing anything. You are doing something. No, nothing. Why did you say, I'm about to be a bastard? Because I bought exploding bomb things, you know, you throw them and they go bang. But I can't be arsed to get them, so bang! Like that. You, that was you.

Eli, you've lost. That was you. You've lost. You've lost. was you You've lost You've lost That's bullshit I was My go was finished Yeah but you were still holding it You pushed it with your breath

Did I? Did I push it? Yes he did didn't he And you jumped like a baby boy I did not jump You fucking tied it up I will I don't mind telling you

Because that So that means It is now A draw You've both won two games each Which means This is such a hollow victory I don't I don't mind telling you because that so that means it is now a draw you've both won two games each which means this is such a hollow victory

I don't I don't like this you know what I mean you've you've cheap showed it cheap man shitification of cheap show

continues unabated well it's 2-2 and I've got a what's the word I'm looking for a deal do breaker do

what's the thing tiebreaker tiebreaker let's go? Twins on your shirt? Do-breaker? What's the thing? Tie-breaker. Tie-breaker. Let's go back to the first tree where we played Frisbee and see if we can find another little cachet of sorts. Whoopsie. We're going to go head back the way we came and I'm going to think of a tie-breaker.

Simples. You said you had one planned. We've not got much time. I've got to get back to the car. Well spotted. You fucking arsehole, man, I've got to get back to the car. Oh my god! Well spotted! You fucking arsehole man! I've got to go at that point. Well, we can play a game with set.

Yeah! Yes! You and him can play set to end. Hey! Does that take long? No. How long can a game with set take? Five minutes. Can it be shorter than that?

Yes. Can we do it? You can play it like ping pong, whoever gets to the four sets first. Do you want to do that? Yeah, why not? Fucking let's head back then. All right, because I think we're a little bit lost. I can't believe it.

But I'm sure we'll find the path. We're going to get set in this. You're going to get what? Sexted in what? Sexted in my asshole. Stop saying that. I definitely didn't hear what you said. Set the game.

We're set in our ways. Deuce. Oh, close. I've got a bath. It is a lovely moment. It is. All jokes aside, guys. That was good.

That was good. So, all right, let's tidy this up then, and then we're going to head back for our tiebreaker and see who wins. If we can find our way. If we can find our way. Which, sure we will. Can't be that far, right? It's that way somewhere. Epping wood. back for our tie breaker and see who wins if we can find our way which we can find our way which sure we will can't be that far right we're just it's that way somewhere epping wood walked for four hours it's not epping park it's epping forest effing forest more like i think some of the extra

bonus stuff that we've been doing while we've been walking around why don't you join the patreon no don't mention that it's dirty don't we're getting back. There's been no action. It's only the video. We've been making a video of all these adventures. These ones here, which I've probably been standing in front of the whole time. You were, you fucking cow. There we go. Here we go.

Here we go. You fucking cow. Here we go. You fucking cow. Stop picking on me. Oh, it's the game over. Who won? Oh, he's back.

Ethan won this one, so that means it's 2-0. It's hollow, though. That's good. I'm going to go pop back. Bye, then. Good. Bye. Now we're done. We can move on. Yes. We can move though. That's good. I'm going to go pop back. Bye, then. Good. Bye. Now we're done.

We can move on. Yes, we can move on. We can do that. You didn't need to bring Questmaster back. Just drop Questmaster. He's shit. You drop your shit characters, then. Salty tampon man or whatever.

It's funny. Even referring to him is funny, isn't it? That's a good character. I'm not giving you that. Right, we're isn't it that's a good character not giving you that right we're gonna see you in a bit I think we all agree that this idea is shit, by the way. I think we all agree. I mean, there's three of us, and one of us is clearly into it. Do you agree with me, though, that it's a shit?

Paul, I've got one question. I agree with Eli. Don't be a coward. Do you agree that this is shit? How does that make me a coward? Because you're siding with the person who will bite you worst if they turn on you. Eli's nice. You're not.

I've got one question. Fair. I've got one question. Hang on. I've got two questions. Question one. Did you bring some kind of tiebreaker? What's the answer to that first?

I just want yes or no's here. Did you bring a tiebreaker game? It's not about the yes or the no, is it? No, no, no, no. I want to hear, firstly, the answer to that question. I'd like to answer that question, Eli, but when I inherited this game ten years ago from the Labour government, there were things in place which were a problem.

You dick. A little bit of politics there, a little bit of politics. So we're playing set As a tiebreaker But I think it's a dreary game So how does this work? You shuffle it And you lay it out

On a grid on the floor Nice and visual Eli Nice and visual I'm just going to check the grid You didn't bring anything Paul Yeah but at least the stuff I brought You created it You created it

Paul I'll just go back to my first question Okay Yeah Also did you agree That we would play set As a tiebreaker Because it's the only other game we've got.

Did I say that on mic, though? Did I say that on mic? Yes. Yeah, you did, yeah. Sorry. Shit. You cut it out. I could cut that out.

In fact, snip. Eli. Oh, look at the instructions. It's boring. Easy start, quick start. Is it a set? 12 cards on the table. Can I speak to the questmaster for a second?

Oh, yeah. Hang on. Oh, I'm not involved in this because I wasn't told there was going to be a tiebreak. It's your quest, questmaster for a second oh yeah i'm not involved in this because i wasn't told there was going to be a tie break quest quest quest yeah but paul told me there wouldn't be one questmaster why did you design this game to have an even number of rounds which could result in a tie if you had no tiebreaker well when i inherited the quiz mastering from the goblin government 12 years ago. I was, oh, a little bit of politics. Right, so, he's laying out 12 cards.

One card has green stripes, one has three red, one has one red. This is fucking tedious. Three purple, two red, three white curvies, a blank card. Oh, a red one. This is thrilling, Elo. What a great way to end this magical quest.

You didn't bring a tiebreaker. Yeah, but set is awful. Why don't you set yourself down and shut up? No, I'm not involved in this. And I'm not interested. Just tell me who wins the quest. Because there's a games machine available. So what happens? How do you get points? All you have to do is spot sets. I've spotted one. And then I say, set. Alright, but what's the set? Now you have to check the set. This is what I'm saying. What set of what? A set of what? There are four, if you've been listening earlier, Paul, there are four aspects. Number, each card can have one, two or three shapes on.

Ethan, I will give you 20 quid to just give up and let Eli win this quiz. Actual 20 quid. See why that's a set? No, an actual 20 quid. They're up and let Eli win this quiz. Actual 20 quid. No, an actual 20 quid. They're all different in one specific way. They're all different numbers. Ethan, 20 quid to end this game. And I'll give you 20 quid. I'm not even joking. That's the only aspect that's different.

Yeah, I understand. I'm fully on board. We're not doing this. I'm just going to give Ethan... I'll tell you what. Whoever decides to quit gets 20 quid. We're playing this now. No, this is not a game. It's not interesting. As soon as you see a set, you this is not a game it's not interesting

it's not interesting come on who wants 20 quid to be there to lose and you're such a cunt you know that oh but it's gonna be quicker than just watching two men two men looking at cards on the floor looking for sets looking for one i can get one yeah okay set why is that a set because why each card has two shapes on so that is all the same each hat is green that's all the same but the aspects are different are the shading one is this so each each aspect is going to win this what about would that one that one and that one count because they're all that one that one and that one count no because you see there's an unevenness here in that the shape is not the same on all three cards so what about that one that one and that one, and that one then?

The three pillars shape ones? No, again, no, because these two are shaded, fully coloured in. Yeah, but that one was empty when you did the wiggles. What a load of fucking shit. No, look, this is a set. Do you want 20 quid, Ethan, to just win? I'll take the 20 quid because I'm confused now. Right, Eli's won because Ethan's taking the 20 quid hero prize. So Ethan...

Do you know what, Eli? That is actually a lot more complicated than I thought it was going to be. It's all it is. It's spotting the sets, man. Set? You're happy now you played your little game of set,

isn't it? I'm happy now. I've got panics. I think that's what happened. It's fine. Take the 20 quid. I don't care. Right, I'm going to give him 20 quid

when we get to a machine. He will never. He does do. A cash machine in the middle of the forest. No, he just won by the station. We are miles from the station. We're not miles from the station.

We'll be there in about, I don't know, an hour if we set off now. Well, good job we've got an hour because my car runs out in half an hour. Well, then, all right. Well, come on, then. Get going. Put it on. Put your little ring on. Wasn't there supposed to be a prize?

Oh yeah Eli I'm going to show you your prize I had to take a picture of it You don't have it? Not with me Because it was big I told you at the start

Because it was too big to bring with me Yeah but you said that off mic So I'm sort of No I did I said it on mic I thought you said it off mic No I said it on mic I said it on mic It was too big

Check the tape Anyway Eli It's been a long day Look this is your prize It's a game. day. Look, this is your prize. It's a game.com by Tiger Electronics. That looks fucking shit, man. Yeah, look, it's dead good.

You get the game and it comes with a... Chess and shit. Chess and shit and Go. I don't want that. And Batman. No, I actually don't. I don't have a lot of room in my room, as you know. Okay, and I don't actually need that. Yeah, but Biffo gave me it and I don't want it.

I don't want it. So realistically, this whole thing was just so you could get rid of an offcut, something you don't want, you're just re-gifting it and dressing it up as a quest. He uses the whole show to recycle his gunk. And we've been walking through this forest for hours and it was for nothing. I'm fucking starving. Yeah, I'm hungry too i want to go home now which way is it take ages to get home because you made us walk and walk and walk and

all right well let's get going quick come on come on come on let's get let's get packed up and go all right that didn't come out very well you did not just put your microphone to your ass and fart please i didn't for the love of God, it's not come to this, has it? It often starts like that. I wouldn't stand near me, by the way. Oh, God. Right, now how are we going to be on the mic?

We're going to have to shout. It's fine. We're ending this segment here. I'm peppery rancid. No, that, I'll tell you what, that was peppery rancid. I'm such a fresh man. Oh, dear.

I'm such a fresh man. Right, okay, we can all drop the characters now. Let's just go on. Oh, I've got a watch on. Oh, that's the end of fresh man. Right, okay, we can all drop the characters now. Let's just go home. I've got a watch on. Oh, that's the end of this journey. I've got a cork up my arse. I'm going to take you all back to heaven now.

Back to heaven. Back to heaven. Can we stop at the shop? I need to get some... Tenements. Just do the sound of it. Right, let's go home now. Come on, we've got to go home.

Come on. Have you got a signal yet? No. Come on. Paul, it's the height of summer and it's getting dark. We've been out here for so long. Come on. Where did we get a signal?

Didn't you say you had a signal back there? Yeah, but like... Like that clown there. It's so intermittent. Like, I'm on E. Paul, which is the... Just fucking rack your brains. What is the way now? I don't know.

I thought... I don't know. It's fucking getting fucking dark. I don't know where we are. Look, I'm already getting a fine for the car park. I know. We'll sort that out for you. No, it's fine.

It's not a problem. It's just I'm getting a bit worried now because it's... I don't like being you. No, it's fine. It's not a problem. It's just I'm getting a bit worried now because it's... I don't like being in a forest when it's dark. Fine. Let's call 999. We can't. We can't get a fucking reception, can we? Is that what we're at, though? Are we going to call 999?

We're lost in the forest. Come find us. Where's that three word thing? Apple, banana, bathtub. Fucking do that and they'll know where we are in the world. But we don't have that, do we? you're starting to actually get deranged now yeah apple banana why did you say that because that's the three words that you say for what you tell people you do you tell people ring ring apple banana bathtub and they know where you are i'm just tired mate it's hours now tired Paul but like... I just want to go home. I'm hungry and I want to go home.

You should have bought a picnic. I said this. I'm sure it's the other way. Oh for fuck... Now you say this. Look it's opening up into like a... It's opening up a bit. Maybe we can...

Alright. Come on legs. It's the legs with all the lactic acid. We might have to stay here the night. We stay here the night? We might have to stay here the night because I don't want to go any further. What are we going to eat then?

We'll figure something out. We'll figure something out. I'm dehydrated. I'm very dehydrated, I have to say. We'll find a place to tent up for the night. We don't have a tent. What are we going to use? My T-shirt? We we use your t-shirt and we use uh my tripod I'm 10. it's a different kind of tenting though I'm chanting right now it must be the exhaustion it's just we're all going a

little bit delay because it's hot we've all got exhaustion related erections and we've all had fun games and I yeah my my erection's exhausted. Oh. Right, come on, let's keep going. Come on, come on,

come on. Come on, mate. It's pitch black, man. It's fine. Do you know, I'm younger and fitter than both of you

there's a hill over there I'm going to try and see if I can get some tea you go look for the hill signal we'll stay here we'll stay here go on I'm so fucking achy

we might need to stay here tonight mate we've got nothing to eat though we'll find something we'll kill a rat or something I'm not going to do that kill a rat I'm not going to do that. Kill a rat.

I'm not going to do that. Or one of those dogs that came. I'll drink your piss. I'll drink your piss. Yeah? Do you want me to filter it? Or just straight? What, are you going to filter it through that shirt?

No, you can drink it neat. God. He's going to find somewhere now, probably. He's probably... No, we're stuck here. We're not stuck here. We're stuck here forever. Why are you being so defeated?

We're stuck here forever and I know it. Why are you being so defeated? We're stuck here forever and I know it. Why are you being so defeated? Shh, shh. You can hear the demons this time of night. What are you talking about, Paul? The wood demons. What are they? They're telling me they know where food is.

What are you talking about? What's that? What's that, wood demons? It's forbidden meat. What are you talking about? Shh. The wood demons make this. What have they said to you?

It's forbidden meat. What? What is forbidden meat? The best kind of meat. Human meat. What are you saying? No. Can't you just say no?

Come on. We've come this far before you're losing your fucking mind. No, absolutely not. If you? We've come this far, Paul, you're losing your fucking mind. No, absolutely not. If you're suggesting we cook and eat, friend of the show, Ethan Lawrence, no, absolutely not. He's pre-filmed this stuff for years, he doesn't have to do it. I'm not going to, I just, we wait till we get back to fucking civilisation.

Mate, look at him. No, you leave, don't touch me, you disgust me. The wood demons say you can't forgive. The wood demons aren't real, Paul. They say you've got to do as I say. Fucking shut up. Ethan's coming back now. Just look, though. Just look.

Just look. Look how tasty he is. No! Guys, I can see the car park from the hill. We're nearly there. How long? Five minutes, if that. Come on, Paul. I'm going to fucking eat you.

Oh, God, no! Get him on the floor. Get him on the minutes, if that. Come on, Paul. I'm going to fucking eat you! Oh, God, no! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Get him on the floor! Get him on the floor! Get him on the floor! I've cut it open. I've got this in.

I've cut it. I've cut it. I've cut it. I've cut it. I've cut it. I've cut it. Get the fire. Get the fire.

What is this? I've got the little barbecue in my back. Get it going. Shut up, dinner boy. Get it shut up. Get it going! Oh it's going to be delicious! Look at that crack!

I'm not doing this! I'm not doing this! Come on have a little taste! Have a bit of this! Is it going to be crispy? Yes it is! Is it going to be... No!

No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

No! No! No! No! No! No! And that's the end of this week's episode of Cheap Show. See you next week for more economy comedy fun. Bye, everyone. Bye. Can I have my kidney back? Oh, you cheeky monkey. We'll see you next time. Thank you.