CheapShow - Ep 360 Cheapitiser (Live)

Episode Date: November 24, 2023

CheapShow wraps up its November month of very special episodes with a live show recorded as part of the Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival on November 4th at the Streatham Space Project, South London. What happens when the vulgar, explosive nonsense of CheapShow teams up with the unnerving silliness of Digitiser? If you want to find out, listen to this episode of the economy comedy podcast! In 60 minutes, Paul, Eli, Mr Biffo and Sanja will take you on a random, hectic and damn near shambolic live show that just about gets across the finish line. Paul and Eli are still a little jetlagged from their Los Angeles adventure and bring some culinary leftovers from their trip. What American snacks will fail to pass muster and which will win over our stern judges? They also decide to give Mr Biffo a taste of The “Is It Mayo?” game and the outcome is one that causes Eli to leave the stage to go to the toilet. The grand finale of this week’s episode is the premiere performance of Beanus’ new play. It’s a production that tells you the REAL genesis of his story and isn’t deeply troubling AT ALL! Join us for the (not so) greatest show on Earth! With thanks to Streatham Space Project and Cheerful Ear Podcast Festival See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-360-cheapitiser-live Photos on the website taken by Rob, Nicky, Nomaster Creations & @dogandlamppost And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter/X @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Follow Biffo and Sanja on Digitiser https://www.youtube.com/@Digitiser And you can WATCH this show on YouTube NOW: https://youtu.be/WdCK1GMruMc www.thecheapshow.co.uk Now on Threads: @cheapshowpod Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

The beans? Ladies and gentlemen and everybody else, please bang your bean tins together for Chippitizer. That means... Do you have a bean? I'm the only one with a mic! Up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up. See, I'm taking your hand. a mic! Up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up. Are you looking at your hat?

Oh, it's me. Paul Gannon. Eli Silverman. Welcome to Cheap Show. Hello, welcome to Cheapitizer. Afternoon, everybody. Hello, hello, hello. We haven't rehearsed any of this.

We don't really know what we're doing. We didn't even kind of work out what we're... We're not even here right now, actually. We haven't planned it so much we're not here. Hello, welcome to the show. Look, it's a matchup of Cheap Show and Digitizer. Ooh! Hello, welcome to the show. Look, it's a matchup of Cheap Show and Digitizer. Ooh! Hello, boys and girls.

Hello. Hello, everybody else. You smug little prick. What's all that about? Didn't you hear my intro? Yeah. I ignored it because I was too busy going, I hope my fucking clicker works. Well, two minutes ago, you didn't even notice a man come in and tell us the show was going to be delayed by ten minutes. I thought you'd made it up. I genuinely thought you'd made it up.

Anyway, look, do you want to say anything? I need a poo. He does. We've got a clicker. He's not like... Yeah, Sanya also needs a poo. Paul and I need wee. No, I had one. I had a quick one before we got... Did you? I went, and then I was out in the dorm. Anyway, we thought...

Hey, guys, it's Keith. There you go. We'll just leave him to... No, let's just leave him to it. It's his fucking Keith shit. It keeps in there, and he's also got the duck eyes. That's how he sees into the future. The duck eyes in there.

And also, he's got nice drying pads so that his witch hole doesn't get too moist have the eyes dried out yet no they're in the juice they're still moist oh yeah they're still in there who wants to sniff keith well you have to behave yourselves all right yeah who wants to sniff eli only if you're bad yeah right we're all yourselves. Yeah, right. I do need a pooch open. We're all going to start with a joke. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. I just wanted to do, hello, this is Cheapotizer, the cheap show digitizer podcast crossover,

and we're here performing at the cheerful, earful podcast festival. Hooray! And I thought we'd kick off with just a few amusing jokes just to break the ice. So do you want to go first? Yes. What kind of car did the actor Andrew Sachs drive?

No. A shit one. A Manuel manual. What was it? What? Manuel. Someone likes it. Eli, go on.

All right, so there's a couple. They come out of the tube. And there's someone across the street. And, you know, it's Jane and David. And Jane turns to David and goes, David, look, that man, his head. It's the shape and colour and texture of a peach. What on earth is going on, David? So David goes, I don't know.

This doesn't happen very often. We'll have to go and ask him what's going on. And they So David goes, I don't know. This doesn't happen very often. We'll have to go and ask him what's going on. And they just go, excuse me, excuse me. Mister, excuse me. And they go, we need to know. Your head looks like a peach. What is going on? He goes, well, it's a funny story, that.

I was in an old antique shop. And there was this lamp there and it caught my attention but it was a bit dirty so I spat in my hand. Well, I had a cloth. Lad or lamb? Lamb, Sanya.

Not a lad. Oh, lamb. I mean, we did agree on one-liners. No, we didn't. One-liners? No, we didn't. Not fucking Roy Chubby Brown doing his set on stage.

Right, so Mr Peachhead rubs the lamp and then a genie comes out and goes, I'll give you three. Right, so, Mr. Peach Head rubs the lamp and then a genie comes out and goes, I'll give you three. Lamp with a P. I was thinking lamb. I thought we got past that.

I was so confused. I want to know Mr. Peach's lump. There's a lamb, a lad and a lamp but he's gone for the lamp. Right, Aladdin's lamp. No, just a lamp. Right.

With a genie in. Aladdin had a genie in a lamp. With a lamb inside the lamp. This joke's not working at all, is it? Well, you aren't giving me a fucking chance, are you? Well, maybe we did the last four fucking years. We wouldn't have these conversations. Three wishes the guy gives the peachhead guy.

Fuck, it's a three wish gag. Get to one. Fucking get comfy, everyone. No, so you've got three wishes. What's your first wish? He goes, I want to be wildly rich. And, you know, a suitcase appears with 10 million quid in it. What's your first wish? He goes, I want to be wildly rich. And, you know, a suitcase appears with 10 million quid in it. What's your second wish?

And he goes, and so he goes, I would like the love of an extremely beautiful woman. And, you know, Angie Dickinson comes in and marries him. Great reference. And he says, what's your third wish? And he goes I'd like my head To look like a peach

Come on Where's yours Paul? What's your shit one? How'd you get The attention of gold? A-U See? Concise It got a cheer About as privileged as yours I don't give a fuck How would you get the attention of gold? How? Hey, you. Hey. See, concise.

It got a cheer. About as privileged as yours. It got a bit of a fucking boo. I don't give a fuck. Sanya, do you have a joke? Go on. I do, I do. Knock, knock. Who's there?

Who's the stinkiest politician? How a knock joke, knock joke works. Go. What's the stinkiest politician? Sakeer Steamer. Uh-uh. Slot Bastian Poo. Sebastian Coe.

Good one. That was all right. Margaret Shath. Her pants. Go on. Edwina Hadakari. You see, you need to... Do some work on that.

Are we going to do any of the... Ill gollop. Kind of the slightly questionable ones that we rehearsed. No, we're not doing any of those questionable ones that we did outside. What was the answer? All of the above. Oh, so you don't even... Okay.

Alexander Putin. Oh, yeah, no, it was. It was Putin. Good. Thank you. Gaddafi Bumtafi. There was someone dropped a load. Anyway, thank you for coming.

Good night, everyone. I'm done. John Major Lode. Shall we continue? Oh, are we this side now? You can't think of one. I don't know. Shall we try and come on this side?

No. Oh, fucking hell. No. What I wanted to do to get started is we got this sent in the post, Eli. I want to get this out.

Hang on, watch this. What is it? Well, let's find out together. Right. You've not opened this yet, or did you seal it for dramatic effect?

No, I did it literally for dramatic effect, and I think you'll agree it's working. All right, look. Ooh. It's lovely. Beautifully wrapped. Oh, that's an award. It's an award.

Because we won the independent cheap show award thing. Oh, that's beautiful. This thing's got more fucking layers than an Egyptian lap dance. That's plastic. What? Very prestigious. Back to the seven veils.

Right. You've already bent. Look, he's bent it and getting it out. Look, he's ruined the bloody award. Have I? Yeah. That's our award. What's it say on it?

What's it say? It says, For Eli. Well done. We haven't won an award, but... Well done, Eli. Yay!

Yay! No, I'm not... I'm not having beans get a louder award than our award. What about this toy from Ant's Life or something that I bought? Yay! No, I'm not having beans get a louder award than our award. What about this toy from Ant's Life or something that I bought? Yay! Bug's Life, Eli. Bug's Life.

Ant's Life. You sound like my granddad trying to be cool. Or have you seen that Ant's Life movie? Of course. Right, so we're going to take over the first chunk of the show, and we're going to keep it simple. We went to America recently. You may have heard that.

It was just quite the adventure. Aren't we great? I might shit myself like your gran does. Do you want to go off? Do you want to take a break? Are you literally going to go and do your poo? Take the mic with you. Let's hear every drop.

I'm warning you. Are you really going for a shit? He is going for a shit. No, I'm not going for a shit! Mate, you wouldn't be missed. Come on, it was just you were so boring. What you were saying was so boring. Oh, I'm sorry, mister. Here's my joke about a man with a peach for a head. I think that was

a bloody good joke, actually. Why did he put it round that way? Is it for that? Why did he want a peach for a head? Yeah, why? This is the mystery at the heart of the joke. What's her face from the film Scandal? That's a great

reference to use on people. 1960s political scandal. Right, so we're going to go through these and maybe you lot can get a taste of these as well. What do you want to start with, Eli? I don't know. Let's start with the interesting one. They're all interesting.

This is Pringles Habanera. So we're going to taste these. And you can't have them, Paul. Habaneras. Habaneras. Naturally and artificially flavoured con sabor natural y artificial. You eat those and then the next day you've got a habaneras.

I love how, like, he knows. It's all poo-based for me, boy. Do you want to have a hoof? Poo on the brain. We got these in the States. We got these in a little liquor store, didn't we? We got a little liquor store where we were staying up the road and this is where all this came from.

There's an encouragingly dry huff on it. Oh. Alright. You can have a smell. I can have a sniff. You can't eat Pringles. She makes a fuss.

She pretends she's gluten intolerant. Are you? Unfortunately. Why are you unfortunately gluten intolerant. Are you? I love her. Unfortunately. Unfortunately? Yeah. Why are you unfortunately gluten intolerant? I'd love some of those.

Have one. Go on. Have one. Go on, do it. No, because I have to suffer it for the next week. I know. When her neck swells up like a bucket. Just one.

One ain't going to hurt. No. No, seriously. No, have it. No. Are you actually going to do that? Yeah. No. There's no gluten in potato. No, are you actually going to do that? Yeah. There's no gluten in potato.

No, she will get ill. I'll get a massive headache tomorrow, but that's fine. It's all right. You have a massive headache every day living with him. They are off the charts spicy. Are they? Yeah. Can I just say, how come in the States, they're so proud of putting on the packaging,

this has artificial flavouring? I don't know if this is the podcast for that, but this is a good question. I noticed that, though, when we were over there. It's like, they always write, oh, artificial colours, artificial flavours, right on the... Lawsuits. Yeah, that's a legal thing.

It's what you need to watch out is when they say natural flavourings, because that's the real awful shit. Especially on booze. If you've got like tequila, it says natural flavourings. It just means they put some shit in the taste of shit. Do you know what? It's all about the poo today. And you might not know why you're not getting your own travel channeled food show.

It's all shit with me. It's all fucking shit. And I've got the shits. Don't want the natural shit. I do have the shits. Are you going to? I know. Do you want to eat it? Eat it.

Yes. What do you think of it? They're very nice. Great stuff. I want to have a go. Nice and quiet. And they have a tartness as well. Do you want to have a go?

And the heat is... There's a good amplitude on it. Dirty. They are super spicy though. Oh. Oh. Who wants to try one? They are nice. Go though. Oh, oh. Who wants to try one? They are nice.

Go on. They're really good. There we go. Oh, shit. I nearly did an accident. Oi, Paul. All right, here we go. Who else wants one?

They're hot, baby. They're hot. This is exciting. I'm in the crowd where the beasts live. Who wants one? Go on. Here we go. Get your fingers in. I'll give a f where the beasts live. Who wants one? Go on. Here we go. Get your fingers in. I'll give a fiver to anyone that slaps

him. Don't! We can't see from here. I won't be able to see. Make it sure it's loud enough that I can hear. Don't say shit like that. That's how courts get started. That's how the fucking heaven's gate thing started. Who wants one last one?

I haven't done up the back yet. I've got authentic Red Bull, guys. Look at that. Sorry. They took the tube off me. Eli, that's going to make you want to... The big boys have taken the tube off me. Yeah, Eli, that's dangerous.

I'm all alone. Eli, that's really dangerous in your state. No one's listening to me, and the big boys are picking on me at the back. What's happening? Give me my tube back. You've just been swallowed up. We can't see you.

We can't see you, mate. I can see you and you look like pricks. All three of you. What a horrible man. I don't know who said that. Someone just took the microphone off me out there and said all those mean things. Do you like it?

Yeah, they're very good. I didn't give any of these. Nice and dry and it doesn't fall into that trap which a lot of chilli flavoured crisps on this side of the pond fall into where it's overly sweet. Do you know what I mean? Yes.

They've gone down the tarky route and they've gone hot with a tartness. Has he just made a feature? Have you made a feature of your fucking Red Bull shit again? Yeah, Red Bull. Hey, everyone. This is like authentic Red Bull. Yay. Anyway.

Followed by Eli's authentic diarrhoea. Right. Next one from America. Wait, what's the difference in the taste between this Red Bull and our Red Bull? This is flat. Can I have a sip? Absolutely. It's still. She's taken all the bad things today.

Red Bull. It's very nice. Crisps. It's got a lot of caffeine, though. It's got a lot of caffeine in it. Yeah. You're going to be ready for this. She'll be a nightmare. She'll be a Yeah. You're going to be ready for this. Oh, she'll be a nightmare.

She'll be a nightmare. Right, next item. That's foul. Yeah, he loves it. Can I? Sorry to... Yeah, of course. I've got another one in there.

This is not the fucking Let's Drink Red Bull podcast. It's good medicine, man. It's good medicine. I like that. Have your good medicine, man. It does taste medicine. Take your good medicine. I don't want it.

Do you know what it reminds me of, Eli? Big boys picking on me. Barocca or something like that. It's much more medicinal and it actually gets to work faster. Well, this is not the time to get... It's basically cough syrup with caffeine. Do you remember they used to have Lipovitan? It was fizzy Lipovitan that you'd have.

I don't know what that is. Is that a medical procedure? Fizzy Lipovitan? Sounds like someone you've made up. No, Lipovitan is an original Japanese energy drink. Everyone knows this, don't they? It has the cogs. And they used to, they tried, because Red Bull was so popular

in a carbonated form in the West, Lipo Vitan said, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, we can do that. And it was great. Can you imagine fizzy lipo suction? I don't even know how that would work. Wubba lubba lubba lubba lubba lubba. I don't know. My stomach.

What's next then, Paul? Next one, bit of American classic, the Charleston Chew. I've never had the Charleston Chew before. It's a chewy flavoured nougat with delicious chocolatey coating. And also a dance. I was doing it before they all copied me. What? You all copied me.

Yeah, because you were in it. Because the dance is the same. Regardless who does it. I don't want to do it. Pardon me, Roy. Is that the cat that chewed your new shoes? You should have opened these and got prepared. No, half the magic is open them up as we go.

Oh, come on. The one-handed opener. Ah! They're all loose. Oh, there's loose chews. Loose chews in the box. They look like they might have gone white. You know, that funny...

No, it's nougat in the middle. Do you want to have a... Have a snuff. Have one, I'll have one. They smell very vanilla-y. Oh, hang on, we might have a problem here. I think they're all stuck together. You've just stuck your finger right in there, Paul,

and now we've all got to eat from it. Which is the chew, where does one chew begin and the other chew end? What kind of fucking... I don't like the... That's a really deep question. I don't like the presentation on these. They've all gone a bit melty in the... I'm not going to share these because it looks like toilet. It's like the...

Yeah, that's what you're going to be doing later. It's fine. That's your future. Oh, they're not good. You'll be sitting on the bog later banging out Charleston Chews all afternoon. This is just like the inside of a Twix. Yeah, that's what it tastes like.

But it's just new garbage with a bit of chocolate around it. Have you had one? They're all right. They're like chewing gum with chocolate around it. Yeah, terrible. Chewing gum? Yeah. They're very chewy.

You know chewing gum for kids? Chewing gum? Like that, which you can basically swallow. They don't do chewing gum for... What do you mean? For infants. Guys, we're losing them over here. Baby's first chewing gum.

It's a little tiny... Stick with it, guys. Stick with it. There's stuff coming up. Who wants Charleston Chews? Who wants a Charleston Chews? They are nice. You're closest.

Oh, I'm looking forward to the next one. Do you want to present it, then? Hey, everyone. This is... How do you pronounce it? Oh, well done. Tahin. Snack club.

Tahin, which is a chilli and lime powder, but they are done sweet, and these are apple chilli and lime flavour. By the way, if anyone is here for the first time and wondering if this is what the podcast is, yes, sorry. Taheen, you can put it on eggs. Taheen is really nice if you get a corn on a cob,

cover it with mayonnaise, put some taheen on and some parmesan. We had that. Do you know what that is? Pop stuff. Do you know what that's called? What? Street corn.

Street corn. Street corn. The only corn I know. Street corn. Street corn. When you put the mayo on and you put the tahine on. Then you put the parmesan on. Please help me with this

song. Why are you taking forever opening that? This is going about as well as I thought it was going to go. I'm getting in these rings. I'm getting right up into this apple. We knew we were going to overrun, Paul. No, it's fine. We started late anyway. How long have we done now?

We've done 15 minutes overrun, Paul. No, we're fine. We started late anyway. How long have we done now? We've done 15 minutes. Ooh, baby. Ooh. Ooh. Right, okay. That wasn't what I was expecting. It smells like figs and apples. How's that?

I need another sip. It does. It smells a bit like pork scratchings. Yeah, a little bit. I was braced for something a bit sweet. Have one. It smells like cardboard apples with a little bit of spice on it. There is a cardboard.

There is a cardboard there. Cardboard apple. Cardboard apple. But look at that. Well-known thing. Quite chubby. Little chubby rings, aren't they? Oh, they're so cute.

They're really arsehole-y, actually. Again, that wasn't what I expected to come out of there. That's not what I expected either. All right, come on. They're so cute. Oh, I've got two in one. They're not that bad. I'm going to open these because this is taking forever.

I got another pack. This is Arizona green tea fruit snacks mixed. Oh, these are gluten-free and fat-free and made with real fruit, so you can have these as well. What do we think of the apple ring things? They're good. They're nice, aren't they? Oh, I didn't try one.

I was too busy. A nice fruity apple flavour, and the chilli and lime is not overpowering at all, although there's a good dusting on it. What a thing to have paid to come to see. People standing on a stage eating. I'm sure there's fetish clubs where you can go to that. Is this based on a real snack?

What do you mean it is a real snack? Not based on one. It's not the film of the snack. It is the snack. What do you mean? No, you're right. It just won Best Adapted Snack

in the Oscars. No, it's not. I mean, do people put to G? They're all right. Yes, they do, yes. Do you want to run out and give some to the audience?

Does anyone want one of my rings? All right, here you go. They're really nice. They're really apple-y, but then they've got that heat. They're really good. Riley's doing that.

So this is green tea. You can have a go at this because they're gluten-free and vegetarian-friendly and all that stuff. Thank you. Here's apple, mandarin, and plum blueberry.

Oh, nice. They're very small. They look like little tablets. I'm going to have one of these. Just don't throw them around, Eli. Shut up! Are these Arizona tea? More anyway.

They're all right. Oh, they're so nice. They're okay. They're something like your nan would have in the cupboard. Yeah, it's a nan snack. Right next to the Palmer Violets and the Party Ring biscuits. They're good. They're just not very strongly flavoured.

Sometimes you want that. Right. All right, so we're not sharing those. Fuck you. Actually, if there are any of those hot rings. You really like those arsehole snacks, don't you? That's what I'm known for. I like a hot ring.

Eli, what stuff did you bring? We'll do one more and then we'll play the game. Okay. Because we have a little challenge that Ninja Brian tried on us. We thought we'd try it on Biffo today to see if he can also play the game, which is called... Can I tell you what the game is called first or do you want to do that?

No, we're doing... Is you... Is you... Is you... What? Puto. Great content. Right, let's move this out of the way.

I've got Milano milk chocolate here. Touch of class. What's've got Milano milk chocolate here. Touch of class. What's that got to do with anything? These are from LA as well. These are from LA, yes. These were brought to us. These aren't interesting.

These are just biscuits. And these are Fig Newtons. Yes, eat a Fig Newton. I'm not eating a Fig Newton. You coward. Why don't you like Fig Newtons? Yeah, look, he won't eat it. Eat a Fig Newton. Stop harassing me. You've got a funny thing about Fig New, look, he won't eat it. Eat it, Fig Newton.

Stop harassing me. You've got a funny thing about Fig Newtons, and I think in front of everyone here, you should eat a Fig Newton. Eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it. Fig, Fig, Fig. Only this podcast can I sit on a stage and have people shout Fig Newton at me. Go on, then.

Give us a Fig Newton. I'll feed you a Newton. Stay there. What do you have against Fig Newtons. Go on, then. Give us a Fig Newton. I'll feed you a Newton. Stay there. What do you have against Fig Newtons, Paul? They know. I look like I'm posing for a family photo. Victorian. Sorry, I messed up against you then, didn't I?

I did realise there was a certain nublet of something against my spine which I didn't disagree with. You're quite proud, aren't you? I'm quite wise. All right. What's wrong with that? What's wrong with that? What's wrong with that? What's the matter with that, Paul?

Someone get a bucket. Paul! The red book. Oh, my God! What a fuss!. What a fuss. What an unnecessary fuss. Yeah, I don't like Fig Newtons. Thanks for that.

I'm glad you all fucking enjoyed it. Don't applaud this show. Yeah, do not applaud that. He was being a big baby. Did we just do it? Right, you, shut up, sit there. We're going to do a test now. Sit down.

Question, do you like mayonnaise? He loves mayonnaise. Right, because we're going to play a game now. Talk to us by Brian Ninja Brian, Brian Wecht. I'm not the fact I'm sat in a chair. I don't... It's just for delivery purposes. So we're going to play a game called Is It Mayo?

You better not be going to do what I think. Just because I bumped up against your shoulders. Do you trust me? No. Alright, good. So, have we got a blindfold for him? Yeah.

Oh, he's got a blindfold. It's very simple. We're going to spoon different things into your mouth and you've got to tell us if it's mayo. I don't really want to play this. I'm honest. After three, everyone shout, is it mayo? Like a game show.

Ready? Three, two, one. Is it mayo? No, it isn't. It it might be get the blindfold on right there we go it's a simple game you're just going to open your mouth and we're going to put a mystery liquid in like i said what a weird thing to pay to come to see so eli uh we've got different types of stuff we're not going to mention what we're going to feed him. But, right, are you ready for the first one?

Are you ready, Eli? Ready. All right, okay, so... Put those two down. I'm a bit worried about that utensil there. We're going to put in a spoon now with the mystery liquid of choice. Are you ready? Now, remember,

all you need to do is keep your mouth open. Yeah, how about that? I'm sorry I did that to you. After the substance will go in your mouth, it's all food. Genuinely nervous. This is horrible.

This is like a weird hostage situation. I love this. We're going to ask you, is it mayo? And you say yes or no. All right? So here's your first one. Here we go. Open.

It's open. It's open. Here we go. Open. Open. Okay. The spoon's in there. Just put it in.

Just put it in. Close your mouth. Take it. Take it. This is no trick. Now, here. Take it. Take it. There's no trick. Now, here's the question. Is it mayo? Yes.

Well done. It is. It is. Right. Get the second thing now. The second thing. It wasn't pleasant because it's a spoonful of mayo. I know.

You love mayo. But anyway. On chips and things. All right. But here's the next condiment sauce, all right? Next, go on. Go. Oh, no.

Eli, don't. Don't, Eli. Open your mouth. Open your mouth. Oh, what? Open it. Open your mouth. It's food.

It's just food. How would you like this? It's edible. It's edible. Come on. It's food. It's just food. How would you like this? It's edible. It's edible. I don't know. Come on. It's coming. Shut up.

Come on. Open your mouth. Open your mouth. Open it. I'm the one that has to deal with you. Put it in. Here you go. Put your clips on it.

Here we go. What's that? Is it mayo? Yes. Yes, it was. I'm going to feel so sick. I actually haven't prepared anything horrible for you. This feels very embarrassing.

I'm sorry about that. We'll clean that up. Right, next one. Open your mouth for the last one. Ready? anything horrible for you. This feels very embarrassing. I'm sorry about that. We'll clean that up. Right, next one. Open your mouth for the last one. Ready? Is it mayo? Here it goes.

Put it all in. Put it all in. Put it all in. Oh, wow. Put it on that bag. I actually have to go to the loo. Is it mayo? Anyway, I thought that was a little bit of fun.

It was all mayo. And there's now loads of it. Eli, bring back some tissue paper, please. I'll be a few minutes. He's going to be a few minutes. So, not many podcasts, I'd like to think, have half of its show go for a shit-off way. But,

that is it. So, I think Biffo's a bit upset now. Yeah, Biffo's fucked off as well. What have you done to him? We just fed him mayo. Just loads and loads of mayo. But anyway,

next week's episode, I think it's next week's episode, we do it with Brian and Eli's in the chair in that one. Funnier. All right. Is he?

Right, okay, no. He's still not going to come on. All right, in that case, I'll get another little bit of stuff to do. I'll try and convince him. I think I've got another bit of food we can get going here now. He's actually gone. He's gone. All right, in that case, I'll get another little bit of stuff to do. I'll try and convince him. I think I've got another bit of food we can get going here now.

He's actually gone. He's gone. Well, should we tell another joke? Oh, fuck. Hello, everybody. What's the theme? The theme is... Beans.

Beans with mayo. All right, Paul. Yes, now how are you? With some mayo. Paul? Yes, how are you? Want some mayo? Is it rubber beans? Oh, I've seen something like that on the internet. And I think he was in it. I'm going to use his scarf.

He's going to be very cross, and everyone's going to need to protect him. Where's he gone? He's gone for his shit. Mate, I can't stop smelling and tasting mayo, and it's horrible. Yeah, funny that, isn't it? Someone shoves a load of mayo in your mouth.

Do your fucking show. I can't because he likes bugging off. He's gone for his piss. I'll go and check on him. What have you been up to lately? I've been counting my beans. That's my main thing. I'm in charge now.

I've got a cum on my face. I've got issues. Why did you let me do that, Paul? You could have stopped at any point, but you just let me. It was obvious what I was going to do. Look at it this way.

At least it wasn't a knife. Was it? I didn't bring that with me this time. Thank goodness. Thank Venus. Thank goodness. Thank Venus. No one thanks Venus.

Will you do your fucking part of the show? Where's your co-host gone? He's gone for a shit. I don't like that kind of language. I'm sorry. I am so sorry that half of my podcast went for a dump. Right, well, here's the thing. Here's the thing.

I've become a bit of a writer. Yes, right. I'm like the bean-based Ayn Rand. I thought that I'm glad that ended with Rand and not fucking Frank. It's basically... I'm glad some of them got that reference. And I've written my life story. Have you?

Yeah. Is there much of a life to write about? Oh, you'll be surprised, Paul. Yeah, unfortunately. I've done some things. What are you doing? I'm cleaning up the mayo. Batron.

No, we're not doing that. I saw a situation like this once in Amsterdam. I think Paul was there that time as well. Yeah, and I had to pay for it as well. 20 guineas. Right, so what are we doing? What are we doing? What's going on? This is a podcast and an audio experience. Oh, so what are we doing? What are we doing? What's going on?

This is a podcast and an audio experience. Oh, yes, it is. Yes, we're going to perform. This stage is really barren, so I'm standing here for the balance. We're going to perform my life story. Oh, have you got a script for us? We do. I shall play the part of myself.

Right. You're going to play the part of my father. Okay. Right. Eli, when he bloody comes back. Yeah, is Eli okay? It must be a messy one. No, Eli's quite proficient when it comes to toilets.

We told him about the Red Bull. He's all business. He's like, hurt, bosh, squirt, wipe, gone out. So it's gone terribly wrong with the process at this point. We're having fun. So who's Eli terribly wrong with the process this time. We're having fun. So who's Eli playing? Nurse. I haven't read it yet. We're going to perform it sight unseen for added authenticity. Is there any...

God. Penis. I'm gone. The beans. Let's just do a Mexican bean. Right, he's here. He's finished. Bean fight. Did you wash your hands? Let's just do a Mexican bean. Right, he's here. He's finished. Bean.

Yay. Did you wash your hands? Did you wash your hands? Is that a bad one, Eli? Hello, how are you? So, we've all got parts. And you're the narrator. I'm the narrator.

Right, OK. So, Eli... When do you want us to begin? Who am I, Venus? This is my origin story, so... Oh, what's happening? Oh! That's kind of more horrifying.

I don't... What's happened? What have you done with Venus? I don't get it. Is this young Venus? Have they CGI de-aged him? You've got Elvis hair. Yeah, they've de-beaned you. I'll de-bean you in a minute.

All right. I think you already de-beaned me when you put your mayo in my face. Is that what happened when I was taking a shit? You rubbed a load of mayo in my mouth and face. Not for the first time either, Paul. No, it's true. Except you were asleep that time.

And you didn't use a spoon. You used this weird kind of flesh pipe type thing. I don't know what it was. Sanya, would you like to begin the beaner story? All right. Do we have, like... No, there's no music. Beginning music.

I tell you what, here's the music. Go. Our story begins one stormy night in a local hospital many, many years ago. Nurse! Oh, sweet nurse! I'm sorry, sir. I can't stop to chat. Are we both doing that accent?

Why not? All right. I can't do any of those. I can't even do this one. You've got about four characters to do it. Right, this one's the northern one. Sorry, sir, I can't stop to chat. A mother just gave birth to the biggest, oiliest baby I've ever seen and I need to mop up the visceral... Visceral? Visceral. a mother just gave birth to the biggest, oiliest baby I've ever seen.

And I need to mop up the visceral. Visceral. Visceral. The visceral there. Do you mean viscera? We can't spend the next five minutes talking about that word. I'll tell you what. There's some viscera back in that toilet. Stringy viscera.

There are bits of chuff everywhere. Oh, fucks. That's how it happened, it's all true. But I need to know, has my wife had our baby yet? She went into labour at least a week ago. Oh, thanks for reminding me. I'd forgot me head if it wasn't screwed on. Yeah, I would forget it if it wasn't screwed on.

Don't improvise. Yes, your wife gave birth last Monday. Here he is, your newborn son. Give me the baby. Fuck you. The nurse handed the week old infant to his brand new

father. Isn't this a sweet situation? So much love. Wowie, wowa. I have a son, a real son. That's right. And one more thing, your wife, who was a virgin, died in childbirth. What do you mean, died? She shivered to death in the toilet.

That almost happened to me just now. This is too close to real life. Sacre bleu. happened to me just now. This is too close to real life. Sacra blur. The pages are double-sided, by the way. Oh, fucking hell. Don't drop the baby. Don't drop the baby.

Right, you're still the nurse. Oh, fucking hell. On the other side. I've got it. I've got 12 pages to get through. Sadly, she passed away before she could give your joint son a name. Oh, this is absurd. I don't know the first thing about raising a child on my own or naming a child on my own.

Here's an idea. Some people name their children after where they were conceived. For instance, I have a daughter called Ball Pond and a son called Shitterton. I know! I shall name this boy of mine after the fourth man to walk on the moon, Alan Bean.

Ooh! Oh, it's my turn. Where is it? Oh, okay. And so the grieving father took his son home to begin their new life together. Now, listen here. I'm going to do some miming.

Oh, actions. I like that. Now, listen here, child. I don't have a lot of money, and I can't afford a crib, so I've made you a nest out of old animal bones and hair. Sonia? I was waiting. Old animal bones and hair. Senya? I was waiting for this. Never wait for it.

Gradually, the child began to grow up, the same as any boy does. Father? Yes, Alan? Please, what is for supper? The same as always, my boy. Cock-o-van! Cock-o-man?

Why is it always... Yes, well done. Why is it always Cock-o-van, father? Can't we have something else for once? We can't afford anything else, boy.

It's Cock-o-van or nothing. And so young Alan ate his Cock-o-van night after night, even though it made him feel sick and hate his father. Time for bed, Alan. But, Father, it's 10am.

I only got up an hour ago. Don't you know I'm a night bird? You'll be a dead bird if you don't get to sleep immediately. I've slipped the bag of coq au vin under your pillow in case you get hungry in the night stroke day. Alan did as he was told and fell asleep immediately. The next morning, he came down for breakfast and his heart sank. Oh, coq au vin for breakfast again, Father?

If it's good enough for the French, it's good enough for us. But I'm a delicate boy, and French food is just too spicy and exotic. That's their main thing. Coco van is everything a young boy could need to sustain him through the day. Fucking turn the page. to sustain him through the day. Fucking turn the page. Chicken, red wine, lardons, mushroom,

and optionally garlic. But the other children make fun of me because I go to school reeking of coq au vin every day. Listen to me, boy. The only thing I can afford on my fat salary is coq au vin. I get it discounted from the coq au vin factory that road. Why can't you get a job in a factory that makes normal food like cream crackers? Coq au vin is normal food. It's normal food and you're gonna get to eat it even if I have to kick it down your throat. Mother would never have made me so much coq au vin.

Frogs! Mother would never have made me so much cock-o-van. What's so funny? I'm getting tired of saying cock-o-van. Cock-o-van, cock-o-van. I wish it was you that had died instead of her. How dare you spurn my cock-o-van! My cock cousin! Alan was so upset that he climbed out of the house and ran straight into an old man. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Watch where you're going, you nasty young scamp.

I'm sorry, old-timer. Not so much of the old. Don't you know who I am? You're my neighbour. That's right, I'm your next-door neighbour, Obi-Wan Kenobi. Now... Coco Van Kenobi, I'm surprised it's not.

Now, why don't you come inside before the sand people return? What's going on? Alan and Obi-Wan Kenobi went into the Jedi Master's hut. Oh, come on. Where Kenobi made the boy his favourite meal.

This should warm you up from the inside. Yum, yum. This is delicious. What is it? My master would make it for me all the inside. Yum, yum. This is delicious. What is it? My master would make it for me all the time. It's called beans on toast. Oh! Beans?

On toast, you say? But please, what are beans? Beans? I'll tell you. Beans are what give people like me our power? Same voice, by the way, as the nurse. I'm just going to put that out there now. Just a bit more hoarse, isn't it?

He's older. He's like an older version of the nurse. Maybe it's the same nurse. Maybe the nurse is a Jedi mask. Maybe he's a time-travelling fucking nurse. I had to take a shit just now. I don't think you got it all out, judging from your attitude.

You look particularly egg-bound still. Walking like a gunslinger. You're like a bunch of fucking tropes. Tranche, thank you. A fucking tranche, a cachet of tropes. Come on. Beans are what give people like me our power. They can be utilised in an endless variety of dishes

and can even be eaten on their own. Sometimes I like to put mine in a little ramekin. Well, after this delicious dish, I can see myself becoming quite the bean fan. Join the club! Lol! Lol! One more thing, Obi-Wan.

Do you have any funny stories about your master? Why? Yes! As a matter of fact, I do. He had a head shaped like a peach. Uh, Yoda... Yoda! Sorry, Yoda. Yoda really hated wearing clothes, you see,

on account of his sensitive skin. What was wrong with his skin? Er, space eczema. Every time he was wearing his robes, he'd squirm and complain. Something rotten. Sounds hilarious. So, most of the time,

he'd just scurry around our caravan stark naked. Sometimes on all fours. That is a funny story, isn't it, everyone? Hey, hey, that's not all. You see, Yoda had quite a large penis. For his size, you know.

Scale it up, it'd be quite big. On second thought, you don't have to finish the story. Yes, it was quite the penis. Indeed. It was thick and long. With a tapered bulb at the end, like a big green lipstick. It would drag along behind him.

He'd spend hours every day just wiping it with a sticky old rag. Christ. Wrote this this morning, did you? I've just read what I have to say. Oh, dear. I can't say it out of my mouth. It's so amusing. Come on.

Wait up. After the old man had become turned on and tried to have sex with Alan, the 16-year-old boy ran home to tell his father the exciting news. I think we might leave at this point. I don't like this show anymore. This is disgusting. I was 16. Father, father, I found a dinner even more delicious

and affordable than Cock-O-Van. Sounded like you got Cock-O-Van, frankly. Right. I'm not interested in your far-fetched stories, boy. What could be more delicious than Cock-O-Van? Baked beans, of course. Beans? Yes.

Baked beans? Beans. Yes. Baked beans? Beans. Listen, boy, you come from a long line of cock-o-van men. I'm a cock-o-van man. My father was a cock-o-man van and his father before him. So I'll have no more talk of beans in this house, baked or otherwise. Why are you being like this, father?

I'm a bean boy now. And if I want to eat beans, then that is my right. Not while you're living under my roof. If I even get a whiff of beans, I'll throw a brick in your mouth. The drama, the violence. From that point on, young Alan led a double life. At home, he was the perfect son and continued eating his cocoa van. But when he snuck out of the house at night...

I'm Venus! Hooray! Oh, welcome to my nightclub, different voice, Venus. I'm Peter Stringbean, the proprietor of Bean Fellows, London's swingiest bean-based joint. Oh, hello, Peter. I like beans. They're my main thing.

Cool beans, Beanus. Would you like to watch me dance? Oh, Jesus. I'd love to. What am I doing now? I don't know. A little dance. Say, I'd love to.

Oh, I'd love to. I said that. Oh, did you? OK. Sanya. Peter String Bean began grunting, gyrating, and shuffling

while Venus clapped and laughed. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Go for it, Peter. This is the best night of my life. Oh, shuffle. I'm not doing this anymore. I'm not doing this anymore. I'm doing this. Is it me?

Yes. Sorry, I got carried away. I call this the bean dance. Oof. Oof. Has anybody ever told you what a good dancer you are, Mr Stringbean? Yes, they have. As Venus was admiring Peter's exotic gyrations,

a wealthy-looking man snuck up behind him. Who am I sneaking up behind? May. May, oh. Hi there. My name is Shitterton Huffner. I'm a talent scout from the top bean-based modelling agency. And we'd like to put you on the cover of Bean Teens magazine.

Bean Teens? That's literally my favourite mag. Why don't you come back to me, to the Bean Teens mansion, and I'll take some photos. Alright, but I've heard about people like you. I'm not interested in any of that funny business. Whatever, kid. I'm not interested in any of that funny business. Whatever, kid. I'm going to make you a star. And so,

Venus went back to the bean-teen mansion where he was given champagne. Yeah. And poppers. I like this. I like this. I like this. All right, all right, the back. Let her finish.

Let her finish. And he watched a young man drown in a swimming pool. What? It's all true. What? I'm not sure I like this party Everyone seems to be out of control Venus watched with

Hashtag horror As the actor Sean Bean set fire To a hose pipe And Francis Bean Cobain Span around on the spot swearing Disgusting Hey Venus There's someone I'd like you to meet.

This is Rowan Atkinson. Good impression of Rowan Atkinson. You're just like him. It's a pleasure to meet you, Venus. Are you enjoying your first ever showbiz party? How are you? Are you? I wasn't until you showed up. Rowan is a...

I know who he is. You're that charlatan off the television. That's right. I'm Mr Bean. Character with no discernible traits relating to beans. It's just a name. It's meant to be whimsical. A silly name for a silly character who finds himself in comically challenging situations. If it's just a name, explain why, at the beginning of your show, does the choir sing the words,

Eke homo quill est faba, behold the man who is a bean. Hey, chillax, penis baby. Rowan has done more to promote beans than anyone else alive. Done more to promote beans? With a character who is eating beans only once in the entire run of the programme? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, let's all calm down a little here. Calm down? I live and breathe beans, whereas you are a liar, Atkinson.

A liar and a conman. Hey, that's enough, Beans. No, no, it's all right, Shitterton. Perhaps Beans has a point. I've been misleading people and I've become rich off my lies. It's too late now for regrets, Atkinson. The damage has been done. Shame on you.

Shame on you. The world would be a better place if you had your throat cut in your sleep. How's that for a comically challenging situation. Venus was so angry that he stormed out of the mansion and bought five guns. Then he walked home in the pouring rain

and when he got back, his father was waiting for him. What time do you call this, son? Don't startle, father. I've had a terrible day. We need to talk about what you've been getting up to outside this little house. What's going on, father? Why is all my stuff on the floor in the living room? You've got some explaining to do. What's all this? I can't believe you've gone through my things. These are my private belongings. Bean paraphernalia, magazines, posters, tins, a signed photograph of Rowan Atkinson, which appears to have been slashed with a knife. So what if I do like beans?

It's not a crime. Not in law, perhaps. But in the eyes of God, you are a perversion. You disgust me, Alan. My name isn't Alan. Not anymore. It's Venus. My name is Venus. And beans are my main thing.

Oh, get out of my house! Make me. Suddenly, Venus's father was killed in a tragic accident. The end. Venus's origin, everybody! Thank you. How are we doing for time, Paul? Now, how much creative licence was in that? It's all true.

It's all true. All of it. It was my father dying in a tragic accident. Do we have any questions from the audience about that piece? Any questions? Raise your hands. You, sir. No, you're holding a camera. It's not the same thing as a question. Are we doing a Q&A, Paul?

Yeah, we're doing a Q&A about this question. End the show! No, we've got five minutes and we're going to use it to ask pertinent questions. You, question. I've got to break wind. Sorry. Too many beans. Can I buy to break wind. Sorry. Too many beans. Can I buy the film rights?

Yes. Film rights. These are also available for movie licensing. Next question, you, sir. Could you advise us what your favourite food is, please, Venus? Well, let me think about that one. It's Beans!

Fucking hell. Any questions? Any more questions? Yeah, you at the front. The handsome boy with the curls. Here we go. Where's Noel Edmonds getting in this film? Is Noel Edmonds in this film?

No. He's in New Zealand. Yeah, he's in New Zealand. Buying land. Pretending to be real people via email, which is strange. Any more questions? Why did you call that boy handsome? He is handsome. He's a dashing chap.

No, that's all right. Yeah. But unless you call everyone in this room attractive or handsome in some way, you're going to make them feel weird. Starting with me. Dingling him out. Handsome. Finger me.

Sexy, attractive, horny, sexy, handsome, sexy, thrilling, sexy, handsome, gorgeous, gorgeous, sexy, handsome, lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely, handsome, good game. Handsome, lovely, cheers, cute, beautiful, darling, suspicious. This is one way to fail the five minutes. Cheeky, lovely, horny, groovy, sleepy, dopey, dark, bashful, angry, pew, pew, Barney McGrew, Cuffbutt Dibble, Grub, United States, Canada, Mexico, Panama, Haiti, Jamaica, Peru, Republic of the Dominican, Cuba, Caribbean, Green, Nassau,

Puerto Rico, Bolivia, Venezuela, Honduras. I've got something to finish on, Paul. And that's everyone named in the fucking audience. A gorgeous audience. Thank God we didn't have a bigger turnout. I don't know why you haven't got an award. That's not fair. Eli's going to squat.

Gooch touch. Oh, yeah. Go on, Paul. The angel's kiss. I'm going to give it the angel's kiss. Yeah, give it the angel's kiss, mate. Don't break it go on Sanya Sanya go on

well cut everybody we've got three more minutes that's it I'm done what about Keith oh yeah Keith have you been a good audience yes who wasn't it for Keith then Oh, yeah, Keith. Do something with Keith. Have you been a good audience? Yes.

Who wants a niff of Keith, then? Now, no, before you do that, it is fucking horrible, and I don't want anyone... Oh, fuck. Don't do it. Don't do it. Smell it. Sniff it. What's that like?

Lovely. Yeah, come on. What's wrong with everyone? Should I give out some beans as well? Who'd like some beans? Who wafted? Oh, they're on there. What do you mean?

No, give it all. Give it all. They want them at the back. If you want to hoof Keith, we could do it after the show. And we've given out beans. We're not used to shows not overrunning. I know. This is weird.

Why don't you tell one of your fucking amusing stories about getting into writing or whatever? That goes on This is weird. Why don't you tell one of your fucking amusing stories about getting into writing or whatever? That goes on for 17 days. Why don't you fuck off? Sanya, would you like to end the show with a final thought? Like Jerry Springer. I think we should all leave the stage and let Sanya just finish up.

Yeah, let's do it. Hello, everyone. What are you all up to today? Hello, everyone. What are you all up to today? I can tell you my wonderful joke that goes on for too long. Yeah. Do it, yeah. Knock, knock.

Who's there? Aunty. Aunty. Knock, knock. Who's there? Aunty. Aunty. Who's there? Knock, knock. Who's there? Aunty. Aunty who? Knock knock. Who's there? Aunty. Aunty who? Knock knock. Who's there? Aunty. Aunty who? Knock knock. Who's there? Aunty. Aunty who? Knock knock. Who's there? Aunty. Aunty who? Knock knock. Who's there? Aunty. Aunty who? Knock knock. Who's there? Aunty. Aunty who? Knock knock. Who's there? Aunty. Aunty who? Knock knock. Who's there? Aunty. Aunty who? Knock knock. Who's there? Aunty. Aunty who? Knock knock. Who's there? Aunty. Aunty who? Knock knock. Who's there? Aunty. Aunty who? Knock knock. Who's there? Aunty. Aunty who? Knock knock. Who's there? Aunty. Aunty who? Knock knock. Who's there? Aunty. Aunty who? Knock knock. Who's there? Aunty. Aunty who? Knock knock. Who's there? Aunty. Aunty who? Knock knock. Who's there? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aunty who? Aun, no. Aunty. Aunty. No, no. No, no.

Orange. Orange. Orange, you glad that Aunty went away? Yay! And that has been the Cheap Show Digitiser crossover podcast performance for the cheerful, earful podcast. Thank you, everyone. At the Streatham Space Area. Good.

Huzzah. Have we failed enough time, Paul? We don't have any end theme tune. No. Sing the theme tune. Thanks, everybody. Thanks a lot. Cheers.

Bye, everybody. Bye-bye, everyone. See you out there.