CheapShow - Ep 363: The 5th Annual Office Christmas Party

Episode Date: December 15, 2023

Brace yourself! It’s time for the one episode of the year that always turns into an utter s***fest. It’s the 5th Annual Office Christmas Party and it’s going old school! After the tumultuous events of last year’s ambitious party, Paul has booked an actual abandoned office space to host his office shindig. He’s bought all the food, arranged all the booze and designed a very special Price of Shite. Eli has simply, begrudgingly, turned up. Over the next two and a half hours, you’re going to hear Eli form a union, Paul gets a little bit too drunk a little too fast, copious amounts of weird food consumed, a string of ugly cocktails spoiled by novelty mixers AND suffer through the toxic blasts of Eli’s guts. They’re going to try to “Eat, Drink and be Merry” but it’s more likely they’re going to “scoff, slurp and be angry”! Let’s just hope ALL those very special guests Paul invited turn up… See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-363-5th-annual-office-xmas-party With special thanks to Ethan Lawrence, Tom Mayhew, Nick Helm, Sooz Kempner, Paul Rose, Ash Frith, Octavious King, Brian Wecht and Leighton Gray! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter/X @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid www.thecheapshow.co.uk Now on Threads: @cheapshowpod Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Merry Christmas We wish you A Merry Christmas And a Happy New Year What a year 2024's been, eh? So many adventures So many So many memories Well, I'm glad, I'm glad that we get

to celebrate Christmas with all of our good friends and chums in our office party. And here I am. I'm just looking around. Oh, yonder. Oh, father. Oh, yonder father. Don't talk and ruin the magic.

You do that better. Start again. I'm telling you. Start again. I'm telling you. Start again. Wrong energy. The train is pulling in. I don't know why he's clicking. I'm keeping this in.

Right. Here we go then We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas And a Happy New Year Oh, 2024, what a year. Oh, memories. Wrong year.

Oh, yeah. Oh, 2023. What memories. Oh, what lovely, glorious memories 2023 has. Oh, LA. Oh, your envision. Oh, the big wedding. Oh, well, it's Christmas time.

And I thought after a special year, we'll have a special Christmas party. And invited all my good chums to this office rental space unit. And yeah, oh, I can't wait. I've got lots of food, lots of drink. And all me good chums to this office rental space unit. And, yeah. Oh, I can't wait. I've got lots of food, lots of drink. And we're going to have lots of great chat with great friends. Oh, lovely friends and memories. It's what it's all going to be about this.

What's this? Oh, got a message. It's Mr. Biffo. I wonder what he's up to. He's running a little bit late. I did say 5 o'clock and it's half past. But anyway, it doesn't matter. What's he got to say?

Message, play. Hello. It's me, Mr Biffo. Yeah, thanks for the invite to your Christmas party for Cheap Show. Unfortunately, Sandra and I can't make it on account of I don't know

we're washing each other's hair yeah Merry Christmas bye oh so he's not coming then oh what's this oh here's a message here's another message oh it's from Tom Mayhew

oh good old Tom. Oh, lovely Tom. Better than Mr. Biffo. Big, stupid, fucking idiot. Can't come. Bullshit. Stupid. Right, hang on.

What's Tom got to say? He's coming. I know he is. He said he was. Hey, Paul. It's Tom Mayhew here. I'd love to come to the Christmas party. I really, really would.

But my dog ate my car keys, so I can't get there. I mean, I can't actually drive. I don't know why I've got car keys. But, yeah, I can't make it. But I hope you have a great time. And, yeah, I'll definitely come next year. I'll definitely come then.

Well, maybe we're not going to have a fucking party next year, Tom, you prick. Stupid fucking prick. Stupid fucking prick. I'm not coming to the party. Why isn't no one ever coming? Who's this? Yeah, I'm up here. Come up here. Through that door. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come into

the office space, Mr. Silverman. Look. Yeah. Nice to see you. To see you nice. Wow. There's just all loads of empty units. Just endless Look. Right? Yeah, nice to see you. To see you, nice. Wow. A dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib. There's just all loads of empty units just endlessly before I got here. Yeah, I got the whole building to myself tonight. So I've turned this place into a fake office space.

Well. Where's everyone else? It's still early. You know, people running late. And I know a few of them are gigging and stuff and they're going to come after a gig Okay, cool, yeah, well a nice spread you've got in here but it's a weird place behind Flentrier Clothing Village and then you go

and it's, I didn't know there was this much of this weird empty office I know, I thought there'd be more people I walked in, around the corner Yeah, I know, just around the corner Alright, you take your coat off You didn't have to actually put one on and then make a fucking dog's dinner I walked in, around the corner. Yeah, I know. I'll just take my coat off. All right, you take your coat off.

You didn't have to actually put one on and then make a fucking dog's dinner of taking it off. Ross, I'll take me coat off. Ross, Ross. Seriously. Well, it's drizzling outside. Yeah, I know. So I put my Mac on. Yeah, it's not very Christmassy,

but I thought I'd put up the tinsel, I'd put up the Christmas lights and there's a tree. I'm exhausted. There's a photocopy if you want to take a picture of your balls or something. It's there.

That doesn't look like it's worked in years. No, it's a proper photocopier. What happens is... No, no. No, what happens is... I don't think we should. No, I'll tell you what the plan is, right? It doesn't work,

but the gimmick is you open it up, put your arse on it, and then there's a cabinet underneath a drawer that I slip into and I just take a Polaroid of your arsehole. Why?

Christmas, innit? Why? It's not... I want to see your Christmas... I'm not getting on that. I want to see your Christmas pie. It could slice me. No, it's fine. It looks broken.

I can see shards sticking out the top of it. It's a broken glass. I'm not going to put my precious rectal ring anywhere near that. The glass will split it. It will bleed. Can I just then, like, take a picture of your arsehole there with the camera? No, what's going on, Paul?

It's Christmas. Where's everyone else for the party? It's early, isn't it? So I just thought, well, you're here, so we get the party started. Well, what are we going to do then? Oh, mate, look, we've got music on. I'm going to need some booze to get through your fucking interminable company. Can I just, as you're the first person here, can I,

Paul Gannon, Paul Michael Gannon, can I welcome Eli, Eli Jacob Eli, to... Silverman is my name, thank you. Have you forgotten my surname?

Yeah. Is that what happened then? I forgot your surname. I've had a drink or two already. I can see there's a Desperado you've got on the go there. Because everyone's taken their time

and I'm just sitting here. Paul, I brought you that Mojito Desperado. Have you tried the Mojito? No, I haven't. I'll try that later. So don't say I never get you a Christmas present then. Well, you haven't and that still doesn't count. Why doesn't it count?

Because it's just a bottle of booze. It's not a present. You haven't wrapped it. See, it can already. I'm thinking about the environment. Mate, look. I'm thinking about the environment and you. Before I lose me rag. I've got something to say about that. Let me. You can already. I'm thinking about the environment. Mate, look. I'm thinking about the environment and you. Before I lose me rag.

I've got something to say about that. Let me get to the credits. I've got something important to say. Mate, stop ruining it. I'm working up to credits. This is the cold open, is it? It was. Well, that's what I wanted to talk about with you.

Listen, mate. I've got something important I need to discuss with you. Can you wait until after the Christmas credits, mate? Well, I'll be talking to you about something very important after the credits. Roll them. mate well I'll be talking to you about something very important after the credits roll them Eli please welcome to the fifth

annual office Christmas party and you go yay and then I roll the credits and then I fucking question my motives I question your motives

I've been coughing like a dog for half an hour before this fucking episode started and my throat's awesome and I think I've got an Eli piaw at the back of my throat. A piaw? How did it get here in this office?

I think an Eli piaw's in the back of my office. How did it get in the office throat? How did it get here? In my orifice. Into this weird... I don't know, but there's a black little curly thing at the back of my throat,

and I think it belonged to your nest. Right. Welcome to Cheap Show. Why would it? Welcome to Pubey Cheap Show. Why would it? Welcome to Pubey Cheap Show. Merry fucking Christmas. Yay. Here's the doorbell.

I'll get it. You have a drink? Yeah, I'm going out of here. Do you want a drink? Shall we start with drinks? No, I want to start with something important I need to tell you. Is it important? It's a party, no office talk. Well, I'm sorry to do this at the Christmas...

No office talk at the party. This is very much work-related. I'm not your boss today, mate. I'm a friend. I'm afraid I'm going to have to speak to you in that capacity now, Paul. Okay?

Yeah. As the employer, yeah? Go on. I haven't been happy about a lot of stuff. You're going to have to bring this up with HR next year. Well, we're going...

No, I just thought it'd be fair to mention to you that I have formed... Paul McGannon will listen to you. I have formed an industrial union of sorts. You can't have a union. The CCWC. I won't let you have a union. It's the Cheap Show Co-hosts Workers Collective.

Well, that's only you then. And we are registered. And that's not a union. No, we are registered. We're a union. You're a registered offender. We're in solidarity. Anything you're registered is for offending.

The CCWC has been formed and we have two demands. CCWC. What did you say? The CCWC. CCWB. The Cheap Show co-hosts Workers Collective and we're a collective and we have strength. Are you dirty commies? And we demand.

I'm drunk at this party. There are two demands that the CCWC have. Boring. Paul, are you prepared to listen to our demands at this time? Go on. Go on. This is not appropriate, the Office Christmas Party. No politics.

There's no other way. No politics. I need to listen. I've been deleting your emails. There's no other way we can do this. I know I've been deleting your emails as they come in. I'm not answering you. The first demand.

I just take your creativity and I sell it. The first demand. AI Eli Bob your creativity and I sell it. The first demand. A.I. Eli Bummo. A.I. Eli Bummo. Had a farm. E.I. Eli Bummo. And on E.I. Eli Bummo, there was a dirty bum. With a plop, plop beer.

With a plop, plop there. Plop, plop, plop, plop. Generator plop, plop. I'm not going to move on. A.I. Eli Dirty Bum. He's got a dirty old bum, bum, bum. I'm not going to move on and ask what's coming up in this episode

until you hear my demands it's not an episode it's Office Christmas Party whatever this is it's a conceit I have two demands like you're in your my union has two demands

go on one one one cold opens gone gone non-negotiable no

that's the demand alright second one the second demand what are you going to do then the five the second demand opens. Gone. Non-negotiable, no. That's the demand. The second one. What are you going to do then? The second demand. The five betwings, which I won fair and square before I was manipulated by capital out of them will be restored. The five betwings will be

restored and spoken by you. Alright, yeah. Here's your five betwings. Here are the five betwings I denied you. Betwing, yeah. Here's your five betwings. Here are the five betwings I denied you. Betwing, betwing, betwing, betwing. And the last one, please. Oh, is that it? Betwing.

I thought I did five. And also, there was the five that you scored anyway that you didn't get. So, betwing, betwing. What do you mean? You got five points anyway, didn't you? Or six? You gave me those.

No. No, I'm happy. On the betwing demand has been met. The CCWC. I me those. No. No, I'm happy. The one that between demand has been met. The CCWC. I'm having a meeting. I'm having a beating. I'm offering you more

Yes, he's met our demands. I don't want any betwings I haven't earned. I don't want betwings I haven't earned, mate. That's not what it's about. It's about a fair betwing wage

for a fair day's betwing harvesting. Yeah, but I'm saying Price is shite. I'm telling you, though, I didn't give you enough betwings on the actual episode, so I'm giving you them now. I don but I'm saying I'm telling you though, I didn't give you enough between on the actual episode. So I'm giving you them now.

I don't want them. I don't. That's not what I recall. All right. Well, here's the two things you need to realize. One is you have your betwings and as part of negotiation,

I would like to say the cold open stays. I've got a bit earbud coming in in my earbud. You've got an earbud coming in your earbud. A.I.E. lies Bobo's brown.

Let's go chocolate town. Yes, the CCWC. We've agreed to go on with the episode. All right. I've just had a little internal... Here's the thing, though. Would you go on strike if I didn't give you...

Well, there'd be further negotiations, but we're prepared to do this episode now. We haven't dropped the cold open negotiation. Whatever the fuck you call this nonsense. Whatever the shit is in this fucking godforsaken it's drafty in here. This isn't a place for a co-host to fucking work.

Here's the thing though, right, Eli? If we get rid of the cold opens and you're earning less, that's less stuff that you're doing for the show. I just... And also, when you get bonus betwings, that also cuts into your time and value. So as a result, you're missing out, really, on really good genuine betwings and your own fee.

So I'm happy to lose the cold opens, but you're going to get a 25% less payment every month as a result. Merry Christmas. You're now poor. Oh, thanks very much. Whatever. We've got one of our demands. We're prepared to go on with this episode.

So can I now, in my official capacity as co-host, ask you, what have we got coming up at the party? Nothing. It's a party. We've got booze and drinks. I'm going to just have some fucking wine. I'll tell you. I'll tell you.

We've got all these presents here. See, I've wrapped them. That's presents. And some of them are presents you could take home and keep if you want them. But you're going to have to guess the price first. He's drinking and some of them are presents you can take home and keep if you want them but you're gonna have to guess the price first

he's drinking Red Bull what are you sniffing I'm having a Christmas sniff of Red Bull I'm gonna have more cheers everyone cheers everyone salute

Merry Christmas to you I hope whatever it is you do I hope it's good do and don't do bad stuff

because if you do bad stuff then that's not good is it do good stuff. And don't do bad stuff. Because if you do bad stuff, then that's not good, is it? Do good stuff. One, two, three. Say after me. Do good stuff. Paul, I've got to tell some of the dance floor.

Have you? No, but you can just say, hey, mate. Guess what happened to me? It doesn't have to be a formal show, does it? All right. Hey, mate. I was DJing the other day. I don't mix with the staff.

I'm in the VIP section of the party. No, you're not. You're there. You're just over there. I can see you there. I'm DJing the other day. I don't mix with the staff. I'm in the VIP section of the party. No, you're not. You're there. You're just over there. I can see you there. I'm over by the printer. I'm pretending to print out documents. Everything in here looks like it was decommissioned in the early 90s.

I've got a fax machine over there. I've got it all on eBay. There's so much dust in here. I think that's the pube in the back of my throat. I hope it was cheap. Pab man. Pab man, Eli. Eli, the Pab man.

He bounces up and down. He twirls on all around. Oh, Eli, the Piappman. Scoochie, scoochie, scooch on the end of my knob. Scoochie, scoochie, scooch. And I can't really. I've got a gob. A gob on you.

A gob up here. Scoochie, scoochie, scooch. You know what, mate? Tell us what happened to you the other night when you were DJing. You tell me. I was doing the scoochie, scoochie, scooch on the end of my knob song. And even though he's lonely and sad, boing, boing. I'm just going to put that on the line.

Closure. Someone asked me to play some Elton John. Oh. And I said no. And then they went. Was he like vintage Elton John like Crocodile Rock or something? This is the problem, isn't it?

It wasn't a request for a certain We've gone over this before. I'm Hilda Rogden. I remember when rock was young Me and Susie had a world of fun I went to B&M And I bought some booze Paul, can we step outside this for one second?

Paul, one thing, yeah? You know you were saying to me that you listened back to last year's Christmas Party episode and you said it was really chaotic and stupid and formless and everyone was just shouting. It's not an episode, is it? It's a real thing that we document. But you're heading that way now with your incessant bullshit singing.

My incest what? Are you accusing me of incest? You were my incest what? How dare you? How dare you? Do you want to see my willy? Did you do a Tommy's Squirt? No, I did not.

Was that a little Bobby Bumper? Oh, God, no. We're going to have to have a problem. Oh, no. Ladies and gentlemen, I think the Christmas pudding's come out. And it's rank. No, we're going to have a problem here, man. I'm going to breathe it in.

Mate, that's my Christmas dinner. Let me eat that up. I'm going to eat that up. Oh, the starters arrived. Oh, Coco van. Oh, I didn't know you were bringing a Christmas dinner with you, Eli. I can fucking taste the spuds in that one. Fucking me.

Let's get, come on. Can I have a booze? Let's have a booze. What do you want? What do you want? I need a booze to lighten up do you want a little mini desperado I'll have a glass of desperado

that's okay for you my friend here we go because it's Christmas what are we going to we're going to open some presents then aren't we not yet

that's at the end we're going to what's down that corridor I don't know it's just all empty it's just all empty spaces I mean I think I heard I didn't know all of this was out here

because it's just around the corner from me and it's just crazy I just thought there'd be more people here though was out here, because it's just around the corner from me, and it's just crazy. I just thought there'd be more people here, though, but there's no one. Haven't we got people coming, though? Oh, hang on. I've got a message. Hang on, I've got a message. Who's coming? Oh, here we go. Here we go.

Oh, it's Ethan Lawrence, star of Boat Story and Horrible Histories. Yeah, he said he was coming. Hang on, he's left me a whatsapp hang on hi Paul thank you so much for the invite

to the Christmas party unfortunately got a bit of a date clash I'm actually hanging out with the cast and crew of BBC One's primetime drama Boat Story

available now on BBC iPlayer that night and you know they did ask first but it's okay you know I'm sure you'll have

a wonderful evening you've got plenty of friends so you know me not being there but it's okay you know I'm sure you'll have a wonderful evening and like you know you've got plenty of friends so you know me not being there is not going to make that much of a difference alright then mate

I will see you in the new year I would imagine yeah just provided I'm not not busy making

primetime BBC One dramas like Boat Story on BBC iPlayer see you later bye oh I thought he was going to come I was kind of opening

you know because he's famous now and stuff it's a shame it's alright I saw Boat Story I didn't think it was very good so it was very affected

very very I don't think you should say that I didn't like his performance we want him to come back I don't care it wasn't a very good performance are you joking he was rubbish at it

that's not what you said to me before you shut up what you said to me before. You shut up what I said to you before. He's let us down. I know, but it doesn't make him a bad actor. He's betrayed us. He does. You betray me, that's it.

I'll burn you. I'll burn your heart out. Right, with what? Lava gun. Match sticks. Lava gun. A gun that fires lava. That'd be good.

It would be good, but I don't know how you'd manage that. You'd have to carry around liquid vodka. Like a that fires lava. That'd be good. It would be good, but I don't know how you'd manage that. You'd have to carry around liquid vodka. Like a spud gun. You suck it up, your nozzle sucks it up. Like a super soaker.

You're there, you have to fight people near lava, but you sort of run up to the lava, bonk, plug it out, and it goes, squonk, and then it goes,

whang, and then it goes, plonk, and then it goes. Absolutely didn't listen to any of that shit. Right. Oh oh here's Ash Ash Frith always comes because he's desperate

isn't he he's always saying oh when can I come back on Cheap Show he keeps saying doesn't he so he's probably on his way hang on

hey Paul how you doing happy Christmas I wish I could be there no I said I could be there No I said I would be I thought you meant here at this party

Do you mean what party? Oh god we're having a good time I imagine you'll be here any minute I haven't been to that party Sorry I'm not there He did I was a bit confused really I was at this one because this is where

anyone is. I'm sure you got invited. I look forward to seeing you. It's that podcast salad. Happy Christmas, though. Eight bean salads or something. Yeah, I'm coming. It's vinaigrette salad brain.

I've got to go. I'm going to do the conga. Oh, fuck you, Ash. Fuck you. It's that other podcast they're having. They're just over there in that pub up there. Fucking pricks. All of them.

Are they called salad brain? I told them about this ages ago. Vinaigrette salad brain. They're called. It's all anchovy based. One egg, two cups. It's one egg, one anchovy serving. It's on a tray.

Is it an anchovy poultice? It's a little fucking... Is it a prick-a-prick-a-pronte? Is it a prick-a-prick-a-pronte, was it? Imagine a dimple in a tray that is it a prick a prick a pronte was it imagine a dimple in a tray that you serve anchovy paste in

right what are you talking about you fucking that's their thing that's their thing I'm gonna do a

fucking you how about that this has been the worst Christmas party episode you say that every year what I'm doing

here I'm talking about anything you didn't let me finish my story I'm fucking stuck in an office you didn't let me finish my story I'm fucking stuck in an office you didn't let me

finish the story no one's coming can I finish my DJing story yeah go on go on TikTok I said no Elton John

oh yeah Elton John I don't wanna go out with you like that and then she said and she had a very embarrassed look on her face

no this is the opposite can you come out again alright good go on what she asked for wait for it Kate Nash.

Who's that? She was like a third tier Brit pop star in 2010 or something. I've never heard of Kate Nash. Never heard of her. Yeah. That's not to talk about her quality. I don't know. No, she was deeply mediocre.

Come at me, Nash. You know, she's probably a lovely person. Is it Brit poppy or is it like Sophie Alex Bextury? No, it's probably a lovely person. So was it like, is it Brit Poppy? Or was it like Sophie Alex Baxter-y? No, it's 2007, I think. So it's way past the... Sophie Alex Baxter. The exciting, not even like that. More like sort of John Lewis ad music, sort of.

That type of thing. I don't want to go around the world. You know, sort of kind of a bit... I find music these days, I tell you. Grandaddy lies. Got an opinion on youth. I don't get it. You don't get it? What do you think of Billie Eilish? I've heard a bit

and it doesn't sound like music to me. Billie Eilish. What about Billie Eilish? It's just like... What do you think of Ed Sheeran? Oh, come on. He's despicable. That's despicable lift music. Tart it up. Come on. Alright, okay, what about Harry Styles? Harry Styles.

Yeah, Harry Styles, Harry Styles, riding through the glen. I've heard, I've heard, again. Harry Styles, Harry Styles, with his band of men, he takes from the rich and gives to the poor. He troughs it up.

Harry Styles, Harry Styles, and should be paced in pool. Dimple man, dimple man, he's got a big tray boing boing boing he puts the tray boing boing boing boing boing boing

fevry dimples fevry dimple dimple anchovy he puts the tray under his muff and then he's gone to be bom bom bom ee da dee da dee

ee da dee da dee is that the end of your story then from Elton John to Katie Nash and then I said and then I said no and she said what do you have typical

again another trope what do you have what have you got and I said did you say a very small penis I said to her I'm not going to

explain it to you it's fine you don't know a lot about music it's fine I said to her you said that to her that's really condescending

it was flirty a bit flirty no that is absolutely not flirty come on she doesn't... She looks at me with an embarrassed look on her face and says, Kate Nash. That's not a serious...

It's not you to judge. That's almost like you're playing one of those The Game dating flirting things, isn't it? Where you knock her down a peg or two emotionally or intelligently. I wasn't negging. And then you kind of go, oh, but then...

Yeah, you were negging. This is the worst ever. Every single thing we've done up to this point on this episode, sorry to break... It's not a worst ever. Every single thing we've done up to this point on this episode, sorry to break. It's not a real party. That's what I'm saying. Give me a present.

I might think it's a real party. No. Atchity Tray, Atchity Tray. Yeah, he's got a couple of little... Mate, mate, mate. Do you know what I have got? What? Do you want to get this party started?

Someone would arrive, someone else. A bit of a dynamic. All right, don't worry. I've got something. Oh, dear. Desperado. Yeah, he's a desperado. Mate, I've got gin.

That's Rhinestone Cowboy. It's not, it's gin. And do you know what else I've got for Christmas? I've got this. I got this in B&M. It's not. It's gin. And do you know what else I've got for Christmas? I've got this. I got this in B&M. It was £3.49, and it's gin mixers. Look. Raspberry.

Is there a fridge? You said there was a fridge. They said there was going to be ice here. It's not working. I'm going to put my coat back on and have to go to the end of that corridor. Why? To get the ice. All right. I'm not drinking that fucking muck without...

All right. I'm just opening it up, aren't I? I've got... I've just put my jacket back on. I'll tell the listeners what it is I got, because it's actually interesting. It's not really... I can't open it.

Hang on. Oh, we're having gin now. So, yeah, gin mixers. So you get these little bottles, Eli. No, I have to go get the ice. All right, get them. I've put my jacket on now. All right, go get them then. Go on, finish your little pantomime. I influence you go get the ice. All right, get them. I've put my jacket on now. All right, go get them then.

Go on, finish your little pantomime. I influence your pantomime. Remember from last week? You liked it then. Yes, there was issues with last week, including the betwings that have been restored to me. Yeah, well, you got them back now, didn't you? So, Merry Christmas.

And you admit they were mine rightfully, and you should have done what you did. Yeah, I stole them from you, and it was a horrible thing for me to do. Okay. But in the moment, it was a horrible thing for me to do. But in the moment it was deeply satisfying.

It was because I'm a very clever and generous kind man that I worked it out and accepted you as stealing from me.

Right I've got Shut up. Shut your mouth. I'm not having this muck unless I fucking I'm going to give it a shake.

What does it say shake it over ice? Let me say it says there's raspberry and there's elderflower and there's I'm going to give it a shake. What does it say? Shake it over ice? Let me see. What does it say? It says there's raspberry and there's elderflower and there's mandarin

and elderflower. Oh, no, roseflower. It's different. What's the instructions? Let me have a look. Look what the instructions are. It's too dark in here, mate. It's too dark in here,

but it's Christmas light. I've got a torch. I want a torch on the phone. Oh, I've got my torch. Mine's handier. Yeah. Oh, you know what the problem is though i got the torch on but i can't fucking read anything with my eyesight these days oh it doesn't actually say

i'll tell you let me have a look at that pass it over it doesn't say how to mix it you know what it is about desperado what i don't actually like the taste but it's quite easy going down it's very easy going down it's easy going down shake one bottle of mixer with one shot of gin and ice in a shaker. Pour into cocktail glass. One whole thing. Shake one bottle of mixer and one shot of gin. Yeah, that's what it's saying. Add a splash of tonic water or a teaspoon of shimmer.

Gently stir. Oh, right. So the shimmers. So we've got three flavors here. Well, no, we've got four. No, one's the shimmer. Then that goes with all of them. Yeah, you can put the shimmer in.

Oh, look at that. It's much smaller, the shimmer bottle. It's like metallic-y stuff. Yeah. That's funny, isn't it? It's just to dress it up. But what do you think we should do? I don't think we should do all of them.

Let's pick one. You shouldn't do all of them. Well, that means we have to shake four cocktails that's how about we do two i'll shake i could shake let's do two one one each right we don't need to have four we've got all this other booze as well so you pick one so what's that one you got uh rose flower flavor all right i've got uh red flavor no come on i've got red which which is raspberry i've got raspberry do you want raspberry i like raspberry raspberry that's elderflower the last one isn't it hang on there's two here

oh we do have four flavors yeah all right so let's have a rundown on the flavors i've done it four times i haven't heard it listen raspberry which is what you've got flavor one rose flower i've got that one and I've got mandarin and elderflower mandarin and I'm going to have the mandarin one well you're going to have

the mandarin what do you think is the other one that you'd like to taste because you'll taste we'll taste each other's maybe the rose one because I know what

elderflower is we'll taste each other's yeah do you want to lick each other's yeah so lick each other's and does the shimmer oh the shimmer's flavoured though yeah that's what I mean

the shimmer gives it the shimmer baby it also adds flavour doesn't it I've got Yeah, that's what I mean. The shimmer gives it the shimmer, baby. It also adds flavour, doesn't it? I've got my whole cocktail-making kit in my bag. All right, let's do it. Bring it out. Cocktails, cocktails, cocktails. Show us your cocktails.

Okay. Cocktails. Woo-hoo. Be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be- I've been making cocktails. Woo! Pull your pants down, get your knob out. Cocktails. Woo! Chuffney dimples filled with fish paste cocktails. Woo!

My chuffney tray's all gone without a trace of cocktails. Woo! A bum. Do you want to stop? Or do you just want to do this on an infinite loop until the end of time? Chuffney Trey, Chuffney Trey, riding through the glen. Chuffney Trey, Chuffney Tren, with his dimpled men. They put and free paste

into their cheeks. Chuffney men. Chuffney men. Chuffney men. Prick-a-prick-a-pron-tay, prick-a-prick-a-pron-tay, prick-a-prick-a-pron-tay, one, two, three. Right, I've opened me mandarin. This is the worst episode of this show I've ever done in my life.

Don't open your mandarin. I'm not ready to shake it yet. I'm opening me mandarin. I want to sniff it. A single shot, like a 25 mil. Are we going to go for that? Yeah. It says one shot of gin and then the whole bottle.

Get your glass ready. Here you go. Wait, I want to sniff the mandarin. I'm shaking the fucker. Oh, ugh. It smells like willies. I'm taking the fucker. Ooh, ugh. It smells like willies. It smells like unwashed cock. Sniff it.

This is the... You'll recognise it. That does not smell like mandarin. That does not smell like mandarin. No, it smells like unwashed penis tip. And I should know. Oh, that's grim. I'm going to do a little bit of a tongue tap.

Don't taste it. You ruin everything with your shit. Mmm. Ugh. Ugh. Do you know when Biffo buys that horrible shit spray? I'm like, it kind of smells like that. Am I making,

we're going to waste a shot of gin with this shit? Yeah. It's for me. I'll drink it. All right. I'll drink it. Mate, after this year, I want to enjoy myself this year,

after all this year. Do you know what? I need you to do me a favour. What? Rinse this. Why? Because it's got shit in it. Mate, could you...

All right, I'll take a pause. Go down there. I'm going to take a pause. It's down there somewhere. Fucking look at this place. There's no one else around here. I don't know why you thought anyone would want to come out here. Oh, I don't like it.

It's a really long corridor. Yeah. And there's a man in there. There was a man? He was wearing a top hat and he called himself the Jabba Chap. He called himself the Jabba chap oh nice he called himself what Paul I went up with the thing

and I was I was grinsing it under the tap at the end of the corridor in that toilet in the top shell shaker and then I hear this Jabba Jabba Jabba Jabba

Jabba behind me and I turned around there was a man in a top hat with red eyes staring at me and he went I'm the Jabba man that's from the Jabba man

from that advert he said yeah it was him and he said that was from the Jabberman. That's from the Jadderman, from that advert. He said, yeah, it was him. And he said, that was him. From the Smirnoff I said. Yeah,

he said, and he said, was it, was it, was it, it was Metz? He's fallen on hard, yeah,

he's fallen on hard times. No, he's the Jabberman. No, he's the Jabber chap. He's now the Jabber chap because Metz still honed the license so he can't do it.

Have you got the fucking mixer thing? What do you mean? Have I spilt it? Oh. No, because I've put the lid on. Where is it? What? The mixer.

That one. That's the one. It's Mandarin. Right, here's the one big ice cube. That's all you're getting. All I'm getting is a one big ice cube. How abusive.

Right, where's the gin? Right. I've got the gin. What's the whole of this? Yeah, it puts the whole in, it says. Here's the gin. He's pouring it in. It does not whole of this. Yeah, it puts the whole in, it says. Here's the gin. He's pouring it in.

Does it not smell like mandarin? No, it smells like cock. God, that smells like poo. It's really fecal. Literally, you're right. I thought it can't smell like actual... That actually smells of unwashed arse. Yeah, sweaty arse crack.

It's arse crack area juice. A-I-E lies bubble. It smells like that. Right, so... I want to pour the jig up. It's one crack. It's ass crack area juice. A-I-E lies bubble. It smells like that. Right, so... I want to pour the jig up. One... It's one of these. The small one, 25 mil.

That's a shot. There we go. I haven't done it. No, no, that's not enough. You're terrible. All right, well then... It has to go up a bit further to the lid. You do it then.

It makes no sense, does it? If I'm fucking doing that, then handing it to you, and then it goes everywhere. I didn't want you to. I wanted you to just give me the fucking gin, mate. Well, give me the fucking gin, mate. Happy birthday to Christ.

Bar owners would love you. He's so nice. Jipping the customer on your gin shot. Wait, are you not pouring it into the shaker, then? That is the one half of the shaker. Oh, you're using the glass. Oh, I see. I guess it's allowed.

That's my kit. Here we go. You ready? Yeah, he's shaking it up now, and it's got glass. Oh, I see. I guess it's allowed. That's my kit. Here we go. You ready? Yeah, he's shaking it up now, and it's got icing and a gin in it. Oh, do you know why? What? That's going to go everywhere because it's not sealed, is it? No, it's sealed.

Oh, he's shaking it. Oh, it's the Jabba Jab. It's the Jabba Jab. No, that did not work as a bit or in any way. Right, you ready? You or me? Have you got your glass ready? Uh, yeah.

Right, come on, give me that gin. Oh, it's got a foam on it. Right, he's pouring the drinking. And it looks orange and gin-like. Mmm. Right. Oh, God, it still smells really cheesy. We're using Gordon's.

Oh, this isn't even Gordon's. No, this is Finton's. This is literally Lidl's rip-off of Gordon's, which is the... Special London dry gin. Gordon's is the most bargain basement gin. Sorry to be a snob about it, but God. It's 37%.

This isn't even Gordon's. Yeah, 37.5. Why do they say that? But oldie always get these awards for booze and wine. Yeah, but not for gin. Well, I don't know. They get it for the brandies

and their scotches. Can I try this then? I'm going to try this. This is the Mandarin... Gin, what are they called? Gin fucker uppers. They're just called gin mixers. Something to ruin your night.

Right, let me just do it. Here we go. I bet it is. It still smells fecal and feety. It smells well bum-cracky. Is it sweet? At least. You can bet you can't taste the gin at all. You can just smell the bum-crack juice. No, it doesn't

taste of bum-crack. Do you want to taste a little bit? Do you want to have a bit? The smell. Yeah, the nose is so bad. It's like... Fecal Christmas. It's literally like someone's wiped their arse

on cardboard and left it out in the rain. Yeah. It's just sweet. It's just sweet, orangey kind of flavouring. There's not much to it. It can't get to Mandarin,

can it? You can see it trying. No. It's like Nelly the Elephant on the road to Mandarin. Oh can't get to Mandarin, can it? You can see it trying. No. It's like Nelly the Elephant. There's no real Mandarin. It's on the road to Mandarin. Oh, that's discouraged me from even fucking doing anything. You know what? What did I say? Do the raspberry.

No, don't start free-pouring that gin, mate. Just a little dash of love. Just a little more dash of love. See if a little bit more gin helps. Daddy knows best. Well, I could have done you a double shot. Is it better with a bit more gin? It's a little bit better Just a little more dash of love. See if a little bit more gin helps. Daddy knows best. Well, I could have done you a double shot. Is it better with a bit more gin? It's a little bit better with a little more gin, but it's still very sweet.

I mean, maybe they mean a shot as in a 50 mil shot. That's not a shot in anyone's book. It might be your shot in terms of whatever you think. Should I do 50 mil then? Yeah, do it. Alright. Have you mixed yours already? Clear this desperado out of my glass. Get it out your glass, boy! What are your thoughts for Christmas then, Paul? It's on the 25th of December.

It comes once a year. What are your thoughts? It's about baby Jesus coming to life. What's your thoughts? They change depending on my mood. Yeah, I know. You're a very mood-driven person. I'm very elemental.

You know what I mean? Is that what you're saying? I'm very in touch with my spiritual side. Which is what? What's your spirit animal? Guide. My spirit animal is an owl. Guardian angel.

It's an owl. Wise. And always watching. Yeah? And how does he sound? Like when I'm lost in life and I don't know where to go. The chutney owl. It's like the chutney owl comes out.

I thought he only came out when he smelled chutney. Maybe he smelled your drink to go. The chutney owl. It's like the chutney owl comes out. Ooh, ooh. Ooh, ooh. I thought he only came out when he smelled chutney. Maybe he smelled your drink and thought it was chutney. He regurgitates pellets into my mouth. Non-wisdom pellets. Wisdom pellets, and I get enlightenment from the ooh, ooh. So is each one a separate nugget of wisdom? Yeah.

Lately, what kind of thing? I would say, here's a great example. So lately, I was like, oh, chutney owl, I can't achieve an erection. here's a great example so lately I was like oh Chuck Neal I can't achieve an erection it's a real struggle for me so you send out specific requests

and he flew in through my window and put like a little he regurgitated into my mouth and I got a rod on I don't think owls

do that with pellets pellets is waste that they have to get rid of it's all the bones yeah but in that they don't give it to their young it'sets. Pellets is waste that they have to get rid of. It's all the bones and stuff. Yeah, but in that is wisdom. They don't give it to their young. It's not a real owl, is it? It'd be like feeding turd to a newborn baby.

It's a spirit owl, isn't it? You feed turd to babies. What? What about your spirit animal, then? What's that? It's a lovely little gopher called Ron. It's not fucking... It's a...

No, you don't know my animals! You are a raccoon, mate. You're there with your big tummy and you're sitting there rubbing it and going for the trash to eat. I like that. Yeah. I like that.

Yeah, you are. I'm an owl and you're a raccoon. You're not an owl. White arse. You've got much skinnier legs than it looks like. Yeah, but owls have skinny legs. Have you seen them? If you're an owl, you've got skinny legs like a fucker.

Have you ever taken an owl and spread its plumage? I'd like to split an owl of a Friday night. Right up the plumage. Fucking get it. Come on. Get your drink on. Get the fun round. Get your drink on.

Get your drink on. Get the fun right in the plumage, Paul. You've started me. Don't get that. Fucking don't do that. If you're talking about plumage, mate, I'm going to get you raspberry. Was it cold enough, your drink? Yes, thank you. It was delightfully temperatable.

Okay, so we're going to use the same ice. Shall we use the same ice? May as well. It's just there to shake the bugger up, isn't it? Can I just drain it off into your thing a bit more? Yeah. Where's your glass? Oh, I haven't finished yet. Let me regurgitate it now. Oh, this is the worst episode of this ever. No one wants to hear this. This it now. Oh, this is the worst episode of this ever.

No one wants to hear this. This is bullshit. Right. This is the worst party ever, Paul. No one would want to come. Everyone's coming. Some people are coming. They're on their way. No one's coming.

Right. I've got the raspberry open. Oh, well. At least it smells like raspberry. Stop tasting my one. And not a monk's dick. What are you doing? Why are you lying back like that?

You know we're near the mic if you do that, are you? I'm not saying anything. No, ain't that the fucking truth? What are you doing with your shoes? Why are you trying to take your shoes off now? Just trying to get comfy. Why? Because I...

I don't want you comfy. Well, at least get up and take your shoes off. Oh. Oh. Why are you taking your pants off now? I've had a long day. What are you doing? I don't want to see it. I've had a long weekend.

I'll give you a long weekend. My weekend. Oh, the lights have come off. You've knocked me fiery lights down. Have your raspberry. Pour it in. Pour it in. Wastrel. I don't want to

drink this crack drink it I drink it it's Christmas it's shit and then we can move on to crackers it's a cracker

come here there's more is there booze in this no it's just mixer in it oh fuck you know it's just literally to ruin booze with

yeah it's just ruin booze perfectly good booze with this shit, it's just... Ruin booze. Perfectly good booze with this shit. Yeah, it's just a flavour. Where did you get this? Who gave us this shit? B&M gave it to me. Oh, they can fuck off.

All right, mate, calm down. Fucking go there. Can I shake this one? Oh, no, no. You can't because you'll make a mess of it. You're not press-free trained. You're not press-free trained. I'm fr Pressbury Train. You're not Pressbury Train. I'm Fosbury Dick.

Did you know that, everybody? Dick Fosbury was the guy who invented the Fosbury Flop. Still used to this day. What is a Fosbury Flop? Do you not know? No, because that's why I said, what is a Fosbury Flop? What is that, though? You know the way that the high jump is performed?

Oh, the guy who flips over with his arch in his back and stuff. That's what that's called. Someone invented that. Before that, they tried to actually jump over forwards. Interesting, because naturally you wouldn't think going backwards would be effective. It's the Fosbury flop, and he dominated the sport with it. His name was Dick Fosbury. Everybody's doing the Fosbury flop now.

Come on, baby, do the Fosbury flop now. Just arch your back as you go over the pole now. Come on, baby, do the Fosbury flop now. Just arch your back as you go over the pole now. Come on, baby, do the Fosbury flop now. If you've got a train, it's for Dimple's in. Why do you always do that? Why is it when I sing, you have to jump in? I like to. Yeah, but you should let me finish.

I've got a bit there. No, you should let me finish. If you've got a train. I'm not going to let you finish now. You've ruined this. Train. I'm just going to carry on doing this. Dimple's in. I'm just going to let you finish now. You've ruined this. I'm just going to carry on doing this. I'm just going to say this over and over.

This, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this. Now, have your gin. He ran at the pole with his great big staff. He many arches back and everyone laughed. But, oh, oh, oh, oh, the Fosby flop, it got him and a goal. There we go. Fopper shot in this shit. Shot in the arm. and you're to blame.

You give bums a bad name. And I play my game. You give monkeys a bad name. Oh, oh. He's shaking it up. Shaking all over. That's a frothy one. Oh, it's a frothy one, oh. He's shaking it up. Shaking all over. That's a frothy one. Oh, it's a frothy one, Dad. I'm getting fucking cold, mate.

Oh, I'm feeling cold. Oh, I wasn't going to pull it. I just want to touch it. Got it in my... Oh, yeah, it's very cold. Getting a nice cold on. Come on, mate. You don't want to waste that. I just want to touch it. Got it in my... Oh, yeah, it's very cold. Getting a nice cold on. Come on, mate. You don't want to waste that tube.

What the hell is it? There's your glass. Yeah, it's the one you just emptied. It smells of... It smells of Desperado. Well, now you've got it what? It smells of Desperation. Eli Silverman.

Pom-fur. Desperation. Pom-fur. Pom-fur. Do you know what the fuck's happening? It means a scent of nose. No, it doesn't. Pom-fur means exactly zero.

Apple of fur. Sort of like a peach. I've got an apple of fur. Reach in here. Split that out. Put the yowl aside. Fucking reach in this apple of fur. All right, love.

Do you want to see my sticker rock with a peach on the end? Paul, I've got a proper fucking... Seal on. Seal on. Right. Right, drink this gin. I don't want to. I'll finish it. If you don't want to. I'll finish it.

If you don't like it, I'll drink it. No, go. I get to try it first. We haven't put the fucking sprinkles on. All right, I'll put your sprinkles on. Oh, my God. You're so dismissive of the sprinkles. Wait, wait, wait.

The reason why is because I didn't want it to reflect the flavour of the initial mixer. Well, it needs to. That's the whole point. Maybe... Do you want shimmer? The shimmer? What are you meant to do? How much shimmer? I've got a bar spoon, a bar spoon of shimmer? No it just has a little dose of it. Well don't, just don't ruin my drink please. Well this is the thing, it tastes of blueberry, so have a sip of it first before I add it so you can at least say you've tried it nude.

This has a similar poo smell. Smell this. No it doesn't smell as pooey. It don't smell as pooey. It smells a little bit like... It's cardboardy, artificially horrible cheap. Yeah. That's fucking grim, man. Is it too sweet? That's like cough syrup.

Can I have a taste? Yeah, it's like Robitussin. Oh, God. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Do you understand what I'm saying? Hang on, I'm going to put some shimmer in.

Can we see this? There's nothing. The shimmer's dried. This is the worst product I've ever seen in my life. No, it's just thick. Oh, fuck that. Look, it's not coming out. Don't hold it over the carpet.

But look, see. It's not coming out. I know, I see. Squeeze it. I'm squeezing me shimmer out. There's no... No, fuck that. I don't want it.

It's taking that long to come out. There's no movement No, fuck that. I don't want it. It's taking that long to come out. There's no movement on the shimmer. Where's the fucking spoon at? Give me that shimmer bottle. Here you go. You give it a go. I can't get the shimmer on. You need to, like, stick a pin in it or something

and get it out that way. This is terrible. This... Oh. Smells like a... Well, don't add it, then. A sad raisin. No one's making you add it.

It smells like a sad raisin. Smell the sad raisin. Yeah, don't add it then. A sad raisin. No one's making you add it. It smells like a sad raisin. Smell the sad raisin. Yeah, it does smell a bit raisiny, but it's meant to be blue ras type shit. I just... Let's not bother. Mate, let's just enjoy these drinks and then wander the building and come back in a minute.

Let's go for a little walk with our drinks and view the surrender. What's going on with my mouth? Let's get my jacket on. I'm going on with my mouth? I'm going to put my jacket on. Why is your jacket made of crisps? You total fraud. It's mine. You cunt.

Stop this. I have a very brittle coat. Now I've got my coat on. Let's go for a little walk. Let's go for a little walk. Walk. Merry Christmas. I love you. You say that every day. It's go for a little walk. Let's go for a little walk. Merry Christmas. I love you. You say that every day.

It's because it's true. It's not true. Let's go for a walk. I only tease you because I love you. You can't think of anything, can you? You can't think of anything funny. Think of something funny now. Don't leave me. Never leave me for another podcast.

Why would you? Because I'm really unmotivated as a person. Thank God for that. Well, I'm going to give marks for those, what are they called? Gin fuckers. Gin up. What are they called?

We don't have to mark it, mate. We're not working. This is not a podcast today. As a person to another. Of another. Can you tell me what a person to another, of another, can you tell me what that gin product was called, please? It was called Gin Mixers

by B&M. That's all I've got. That's all it says in the box. Gin Mixers. Gin Mixers. Gin Mixers. Mate, what you need right now,

if you ask me, Nob Nob Lixers. What you need right now, mate, Bum Lickers. Is some snacks. You need some snacks. No, we're not having snacks. We're doing this fucking

crackers. Let's get this party going. What do you want to do? It's crackers or crisps? What do you want to do? Let's do crackers then. There we go. I've got some crackers. These are from Poundland. Do you know how much they cost? God, it was horrendous, this drink. Three pound was this. Is that a lot? I think so.

There used to be a pound, did they? Now, do you want me to tell you what's in these, or do you want to just open them and find out what's in them? He's had another drink of that raspberry shit, and it's not nice. He's honestly some of the worst shit. Mate, do you remember the first Christmas? Who would inflict this on people? Do you remember the Christmas pot where we had those bombs? They were fucking worse.

Because I still have trauma from drinking that back then. The bombs of vodka bombs? Remember the little round bombs? And they were like pina colada and apple sour. They were all like drinking someone else's bile. I'm not finishing that. Don't then. Watch this.

Oh, my God. And it's a double, isn't it? He's downed it. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Daddy, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, daddy bad.

Daddy did a bad thing. Shall we try this? Let's try this. Well, you're going to have the Desperado. The Mojito flavour Desperado. So this is from Poundland, and it's six family crackers for I think it was three or four pound, I forget now. And it comes with... Ooh, have a niff-naffing off of that, mate.

Let's have a look. Oh! It literally smells like nettles. Yeah. John Nettles. Yes, it has a very vegetative almost. Mate, I won't spoil it completely, but I'll tell you what this cracker has. It has a party hat, standard.

Standard. Joke, novelty gift. Are we going to play the joke game? Yeah. Novelty gift. The joke game, everyone, is where we guess the punchline. novelty gift the joke game everyone is where we guess

the punchline mini puzzle bookmark sudoku book mystery calculator origami mini fun book I wish you hadn't

fucking told me what the toys are because they sound terrible every year they get worse I was going to get like a deluxe thing

where you get like an egg cup and a an egg cup and a toe clipper or whatever oh you mean like useful toys they're the worst but they're the worst because they're more land at least this can go recycling can it yeah

because it's paper mostly in it oh they've gone the way of the happy meal then are they do you want a white one or a red one you don't get decent toys get nothing no more there's no more wanky monkey hand no more transformer bot and no more transformer bot no more mr man cup no more Transformer Bot. And no more Transformer Bot. No more Mr. Man Cup. No more Mr. Oh, I found a Little Miss Cup the other day. Did you? Yeah, did you know they did Little Miss ones as well? I did not know that. I've got a Little Miss.

I've got all of the Little Men. Little Mr. Man. Have you? You've got a Little Mr. Man, have you? All of the Mr. Men Happy Meal toy mugs. Well, good for you. And I have a Little Miss. Maybe they only did one Little Miss.

Little Miss. What colour is it? She's got ponytails. Purple or something. Purple. Might be you. And I have a Little Miss. Maybe they only did one Little Miss. Which Miss? She's got ponytails. Purple or something. Purple. Might be Mrs. Chatterbox. Little Miss Chatterbox or something. Yeah, it could be. One of those Little Misses.

Did he do the Little Miss series or was it one of his offspring? Well, I don't know because I know he did some because the animated series back in the early 80s had Little Miss in. But towards the end,

his son did take over, right? And just wrote any old shit. Really? Mr. Tickle goes to therapy. Is it sort of Mr. Coca-Cola and stuff? No. Is it that bad? But it's Mr. Sexual Frustration.

Mr. M&M's, is it? Yeah. Mr. Needs a Wank Pad. Yeah. Mr. Poltis Boltis. Why do you say that word? Mr. Prick-a-Pronte. Don't say my stuff.

Next year, I'm going to use all your catchphrases for my own. So I'm going to go, with the Poltis, with the poultice, with the poultice, right in there. It doesn't sound right in your lips. Yeah. From your mouth.

And then you need to instead swap, so you need to say words wrong and phrases. I can't. I literally, I'm a trained actor. One in the eye is worth two in the foot, or something like that you meant to say. You know? Or a stitch in time wanks a dog off in your mouth

and takes the whole of its fucking white gizzards in your tongue. Gizzards? White gizzards? I don't like the word gizzards. Gizzards means guts. Right, cracker. It doesn't mean spunk. Cracker.

Oh, fair and square. 4-1. Right, I've got a hat on. Right, let's... I need a hat, man. I don't feel... I love the smell of that smoke from the cracker. Is it... Yeah.

Yeah. It smells nicer than that drink. It does fucking... That's the worst thing in the world, isn't it? When the burnt sulfur from a cracker smells better than that drink. I'm going to try this Mojito edition Desperado. Oh, my present's crap. It's a bookmark, which is just a folded bit of car that looks like fucking Santa. Taste this Desperado Mojito. Oh, yeah. That's Which is just a folded bit of card That looks like fucking Santa

Taste this Desperado Oh yeah That's not that bad It's not that bad But I don't know I don't know It's like a It's minty Desperado

It is a little bit minty I'm okay with that Oh I've got my hat on Hang on How's it look It's got a lovely blue hat Everybody Blue hat

And would you like the joke Now We're going to keep score here Whoa mate The writing is Deeply tiny You got You need the torch again we're gonna keep score here whoa mate the writing is deeply tiny you need the torch again i've got my torch here don't you worry governor i've got it here we go keep score of this are you don't i'm gonna try and guess the punchline yeah and this is already gonna be a joke that will fuck you off really because i'm listening to it going all right but

that depends on how you pronounce this but all right right, here we go. First of all, I'll give you a quote. The quote, this is a quote that says, Christmas is not as much about opening our presents as opening our hearts. Is that straight up trying to tell me to be fucking nice to people? That's from someone called Janice Mediter. Why someone's name?

I don't know. I don't know who that is. What's going on on this? Anyway, here's the joke. I don't want who that is. What's going on on this? Anyway, here's the joke. I don't want some homilies from Denise. Here's the joke. Hummer, hummer, hummer, ho. Tell me more, tell me more.

Christmas cards on my door. Tell me more, tell me more. Pull a cracker with Paul. Chuffney. Chuffney. Chuffney. We're very musical this week, aren't we? Right, here we go.

Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney? That's the joke. That's the punchline. That's the pre-see. What does Eli want to do? The set up is the pre-see. It's not called the pre-see. It is the pre-see,

actually. It's not. It can be. You thought that sweet flavours could be sharp. Talk into the microphone so I can hear you. You thought that sweet flavours

could be sharp. You're still not talking into the microphone. The wire's fallen down now. Yeah, because you just nudged it. Bring it back to your mouth. You're too far away from it. I'm not, fallen down now. Yeah, because you just nudged it. Bring it back to your mouth. You're too far away from it.

I'm not. I'm not. My mouth. Why are you bringing it forward like that? There you go. Get comfortable. And I'll repeat the joke. Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney?

Because he's got an STD knee. Yes, that's why he goes down the chimney. Because of a sexual transmitted disease. Knee? Because he's got a because he's got a fucking enlarged kidney. No, the answer is

Does it rhyme? Does it rhyme with chimney? No, it doesn't. Do you want to know it? Give me a clue. It's got something to do with the contents of a chimney. Because he's

Come on. You can do it, Daddy. Come on, Daddy. Do it. Because he's Come on, Daddy. Do it. Push it through. Come on daddy do it push it through come on

you're edging the joke come on ah soots he's uh so too because he's what saint nicholas no you've moved far away from what i thought you wanted you want me to tell you? I don't know. I'm going to tell you. I'm going to kick myself. Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney? Because it suits him. Suits him. Oh my.

Suits him. Oh my God. Right, that's the worst. That is the worst. Are they getting AI to do this now? No, I think it's just a bad joke that was

pulled out of someone's arse. They're bad, usually, but that's the worst joke I've ever heard. Is that the worst? Pull the cracker. Oh, you can have it, go on. Can I have it? Because you're obviously bad at crackers. What's your prize?

Just because you're cheating. He was cheating. He had his arm right up it. Actually, you know what I did in that moment? I actually held it at the end as far as I could so you would take the pull of it, hoping that you would grab it and then what did you do with the cracker? well he's got me hasn't he

take the pull of it I wish you'd take the pull of me hasn't he made a fool of me ladies and gentlemen what have we got in here? what's your prize? it's a little booklet with a lazy band round it that's laggy as... Return of the Mac.

One game and I've turned off the Mac. Are you going to read the joke out and give me a quote? It's too dark in here. Use your torch. I don't want to do the episode anymore. Do the torch. I'm not ready. It's not an episode. It's a Christmas party.

I'm not ready. Where's my torch? Where's your torch? I don't know where my torch is. Where's my torch? Borrow mine. No, my torch. Borrow mine.

I'm not leaving here without my torch. Now you've got to use my torch to find your torch. Where's the joke? Where's the joke? They're doing the book, the toy fest. Why are you pushing the microphone away

so you have to lean towards it? What is your problem? Why have you got your big hobbit feet out as well? Well, I've got to look at your fucking

mouth-formed elephant fucking very nice stumps. Actually, I'll have you know. Well, I tell you what. It's the mystery calculator. Oh, what's that mean? That's the toy.

What's a mystery calculator do? It's a piece of paper With numbers on Yeah but what does that do? The complete set Talk into the microphone You're nowhere near it And it's such a fucking nightmare To edit

Why you do this to me? Why weekly do you make this a pain? Okay how's that? Yeah thank you Mr Maverick Broadcaster. Are you ready? I'm drinking. The complete set consists of six cards.

Right. Printed with a series of numbers. Show all the cards to a friend. Me. Hello. I've seen them. It's all numbers. Ask him or her to select one number from any one card. Mate, you're going to need to read this all the way through first if you ask me.

No, no. Pick one of those fucking numbers. You got one? So any card, any number it wants me to pick. Right. Got one? Which ones? Okay.

Just pick a number. It's not rocket science, man. I can't fucking see the numbers. Right, I got it. You got a number, yeah? Yeah, I got one. Right. Yeah.

Now I'm going to find out your number. How do you like that? Find my number with your mystery calculator. Select one number from any one card. Show the other five cards to your friend. Oh, they're meant to be cards. You know what, mate? Can I just be honest?

Can I just be honest? Can we just fuck this all off? No, it's meant to be cards. So I've got to... You know what, mate? Can I just be honest? Can I just be honest? Can we just fuck this all off? No, it's my party as well. It's not. Can we just fuck this whole... So I keep the card then, basically, that I want. Yeah, I'm almost there now. Well, you've torn it now,

so now half the numbers are ripped off. No, they're not. There they are. I'm going to do it again. Right, I've taken the card. Right. And I'm going to change my number now because I can't remember what number it was.

Right, okay, good. Here's the other card back. You need to give me that card. I'll give you that card. I thought I said I kept it. I'll take these cards. I give you the card back that I picked and I have the other five. That's safe.

Don't worry. I've got that. I've got that card. That's safe, that card. That card's safe. Can you see your number? So now I've got five cards. I've got that card. That's safe, that card. Paul, that card's safe. One, two, three, four. Now, can you see your number? So eight by four.

Does your number appear on these cards? Right, I've got to check it. So not on that one. Not on that one. That one. Not on that one. Not on that. I've got this one card with the same number on.

Now what? I give it to you. And then what happens? Mate, this is fucking doggy do. This is fucking... This is Winnie the Pooh, doggy do. How do you do? How's your mum?

I've got your number. What is it? Eight. Yeah, it is. There you go. How does it... It's magic. Yeah, it is. There you go. How does it tell? It's magic.

I learned some magic. Yeah, but is it just that you look at the two cards and whichever ones have the same matching number wins? No, you add up. The corners. The top left corner on every card that doesn't have your number. So that just had the eight in the top left. Oh, okay. Still shit.

What's the joke? What's the joke with that cracker? I think I deserve more for the way I performed that. I would... Okay, here we go. Thank you. Thanks, everybody. Now give me the joke today.

You want the quote first, Paul? Yeah. You ready to be inspired? I would like to be inspired by Mr. Silverman. A good conscience. Talk into the mic. Okay, this is from Benjamin Franklin. Doesn't exist, by the way.

We're having a party. It's not an episode. Benjamin Franklin once said, Naughty, naughty. Very naughty. No, that's really raised my spirits. Oh, good. That's so funny.

Right, here we go. Wasn't that the beginning of the Shaman video? Except in the video, he's like... Oh, I love it. I fucking love the way he says that in that video. Oh, dear. We have fun. He says no.

He says something very much not as funny as that. A good conscience is a continual Christmas. Right, what's the joke? Gimme, gimme, gimme. Ready? Yeah. Now, I want to see you get this, Paul. All right.

You're a man of humour. Man of humour. You've written jokes professionally for the BBC. I have in my time, and they've been all awful and underpaid. What do snowmen, Paul? Yeah. What do snowmen,

as in men made of snow, which are built into people's garden. Look at the... Oh, they've got the lights. We've got the disco lights going on because it's a party. Mate, I feel like shit. Also, why the Kimmy Savile impression? Yeah.

Get the joke out of the way, because I am... I feel like shit, man. I feel like shit. This booze is bad news. Mate, that gin's hitting me like a fucking truck. I know, you downed it. Double shot. I need to catch up with you.

Shall I have some gin? Yeah, do it. Straight gin, straight up. Straight, steely dan. I'm just having a go with it. Steely dan it. We've still got that wine liqueur. Oh, yeah, we'll have a little bit of that later. Okay. All right. What does snow mean? Yeah. straight steely dan steely dan we've still got that wine liqueur oh yeah

we'll have a little bit of that later okay alright what do snowmen yeah eat what do snowmen eat

for lunch and I'll give you a little clue here Paul yeah the uh the meal yeah the meal

is irrelevant what does that mean well it could be what they have for dinner oh so it's not like breakfast I mean. So what would a snowman eat? So, I don't know.

Freeze-dried chips. You're going to have to do better than that, my friend. Egg snow. Egg snow. Ice. Well known. Ice. Ice.

Icy. Icy dinner. Icy. Icy a sandwich. A snow witch. A snow witch. All right, now we're getting towards a better... I see I see dinner I see I see a sandwich That's because he's That's because he's A snow witch Alright now we're Getting towards a better

Snow who van Snow who van Let me think Naughty Naughty Very naughty He's a good He's a good

He's Ebeneezer good He's Ebeneezer Scrooge Anyway What's the Jancer I give up Is it age. What's the Jancer I give up? Is it a snow cake? What's the Jancer I give up? Jancer. I wonder why.

What is the answer? I've put my muscle in my neck. I'm getting old. It's all this dancing. I wonder why. You could have put, you could have put like, I've got a DJ or something. There's music playing in the background. I've put a CD on on Spotify of Christmas hits.

You've put a CD on Spotify? Spotify. What's going on? Put a CD on Spotify. It's playing all the Christmas hits. Do that. Is that one of their new features? Yeah, you can put a Spotify CD on.

Okay, good. Mate, what's the answer? Is it... You have to get this. Snow Sketty Bay at Bolognese. No, think of... Yeah. Okay, we'll Mate, what's the answer? Is it... You have to get this. Snow Sketty Bay at Bolognese. No, think of... Yeah. Okay, we'll give you a little clue here.

All right. Think of foods that have... Snow in. Snow or ice in. Okay, what about an Arctic roll? That's a good answer. What about a fish and ice chips? What about... That's also how you're trying. What about... fish and ice chips? What about...

That's also how you're trying. What about... Let's think. Shepherd's pies. Shepherd's pies. Ice. Pies. Ice.

Yeah, that got me. Oh, you've got snot. Oh, God. Paul. You need to... Paul. I'm fighting this. I sound like a dying lamb. This is a low point for cheap show.

I've let out a bit of weight. At least it's not back this time. Right. Mate, do you want to clean up? Should we clean up? Let's clean up. No, no, no. I'm going to have some gin first.

All right, have some gin. You've got to get this before we fucking... I'm done with crackers. You have to earn this break. Do you want to do another cracker each or fuck it? Yeah, yeah. One more cracker each. But you need to get this joke, mate.

Oh, yeah, what was the answer? I give up. You need to get this joke. I don't. Just tell me the answer. I'm not going to tell you. Icebergers. Oh, what a load of fucking shit.

Right, next. I've pulled another cracker, Eli, and it's gone. I'm determined to get one of these jokes. Here's the quote. Christmas is a season for kindling the fire for hospitality in the hall

the genial flame of charity in the heart says Washington Irvine why are they all Americans because they're American knock knock Eli

who's there Mary Mary who don't tell me don't tell me alright knock knock who's there Mary Mary who think Don't tell me. Don't tell me. All right. Knock, knock. Who's there?

Mary. Mary who? Think about it. Think about it. It's a cracker. It's a cracker. Mary who gave birth to baby Jesus. Yes, that's the person that they're referring to.

But who? What's the joke? Mary had a little lamb. No, that's a different one. Yeah. Everywhere that Mary went, a fucking spider came up, all hairy. Mary's hairy

spider. Oh, sat down beside her, had a pint of cider, chuffly. Right, this one came with a jigsaw and a little bag. That's shit. Mary, mother of God. Mary who? Knock, knock. Who's there, Mary? Mary, mother of God. Mary who... Knock, knock.

Who's there, Mary, Mary, mother of God? It's not a joke. Mary who... Mary who... Who did a... The answer's Merry Christmas. Right, your last card. Read that one out. It's not Mary, son of mother. No, I know, but that's not... It's Mary Christmas,

everyone. Oh. Oh, God. I've had a long room, God. It's Merry Christmas, everyone. Oh. Oh, God. I've had a long weekend, Paul. So have I. So have I. I'm having a very difficult time, DJ. So have I.

Now, read that joke out that I just gave you. Thanks for listening, everyone. Here you go. What's the quote? I really don't... I really... Quote me up before you go-go. I'll teabag you with my balls like a yo-yo.

Up and down I go. Spaff me off before you go-go. Just put me in your mouth and suck it oh slow. I've got Sputnik, Sputnik nuts a hack. Right, drink. Do the joke. Pour in Spunk and your windpipe. Three, two, one, joke. Three, two, one, drink. Do the joke. Ah, pour in, Spank. Down your windpipe.

Three, two, one, joke. Three, two, one, joke. It's a quote first. Oh, I was going to say that last one was Charles Dickens, but this one is Dickens. All right, go for it. Sounded a bit Dickens-y, didn't it? Yeah, it did, but this is Dickens.

This is definitely the Dickens. What the Dickens? This is the Dickens. Give me a Dickens. Paul, can I ask you one question first? Yeah. What the Dickens? Show me your Dickens. I've got my Dickens out. Get your Dickens Give me a Dickens Paul can I ask you One question first Yeah What the Dickens Show me your Dickens

I've got my Dickens out Get your Dickens in I'm spoffing hot chod Out my Dickens hole This part is going to shit I'm spanking out The Dickens hand I'm sloughing off

The Dickens Into the mouthy mouth Mate can you just Fucking read the joke Please So we can move on Chodny bar off On the way

Mate Focus Joke I will honour Christmas In my heart Please, so we can move on. Chordney Boroff on the way. Maze, focus, joke. I will honour Christmas in my heart. And try to keep it all year. That's from Scrooge, isn't it? That is from Christmas Carol. Right, what's the joke? Fucking even the quotes from Dickens are fucking...

I'll get this. What's the joke? I hope, because we haven't got any of these. What's the joke? Go on. I hope you do get this. I hope I do too. Go on, do it.

It's another thing that fucking... Go on, do it then ice tea used to sing about snowman eats alright go on what's the joke what's the joke

just tell me the joke what does a snowman have for breakfast he has shredded snow snow crispies cone flakes

shruddies what's shruddies sleetabix Cone flakes. Shruddies. Shruddies? What's shruddies? Schlieterbix. Oh, that's good. That's all right, isn't it? Very good. Schlieterbix, very good.

Can we just have... Sometimes, Paul, the punnery comes good. Sometimes it comes through when I just let it out. No, that's a better answer, but this is much more obvious. And you've actually mentioned half of it already. Is it cornflakes? Yes. Snowflakes.

Is it snowflakes? Yeah, sleetabix is much fucking better. Mate, come on. Let's go over here. I've got some snacks. Come on, let's have some snacks. Max. Mate, mate,

they've got some more messages coming in. Let's see where everyone is. Come on, party. Come to the party. Here we go. Oh, Octavius King has sent something. Hang on. Hi, Paul.

Your boy Louie here. Yeah, thanks very much for the invite. Unfortunately, I won't be able to make it because I have to wash my hair because you know I spilled spaghetti bolognese in it

and a little bit of cream cheese and some crackers and a rotisserie chicken so it's going to take forever you know so yeah maybe next year though

yeah okay have a good one well what would you mean rotisserie chicken how do you get rotisserie chicken in your bloody hair? If you've built some kind of receptacle into it, we're using wax. Like a wax rotisserie...

Chicken basket in your hair. Basket in your hair, yeah. Roven. Actually, could we go to theirs and sort of have some dinner from their hair? Mate, there's some loads of messages. Oh, I've got one from Brian. Brian Wecht from our LA adventure.

No one's coming. Eli's... Brian lives in LA. Of course he's not No one's coming. Brian lives in LA. He's coming. Listen. Paul, Brian here. Honestly, thank you for the invite. I'm not entirely sure

how you thought that was going to work out because I'm here in the US, in LA. Why did you even ask him? It's stupid. And I'm calling, I'm sitting in my private jet right now in the driveway of my home in the Hollywood Hills

in between sold-out arena shows. And I definitely, obviously, obviously want to make your office party a priority. But unfortunately, you know, in between lunches with Stevie Spielberg and Marty, the character from True Detective, I just couldn't make it work. So I absolutely wanted you to know

that I'm thinking about you this holiday season and I'll have my assistance and my regrets. Prick. Big prick. He's fucking rubbing his fame in our face. When he said Marty, I thought he was going to say Marty Feldman. Yeah, I said Marty Feldman. Did you just say Feldman? When I think of Marty, the first Marty I think of is Feldman.

Who was? Who was the googly-eyed man from the Young Frankenstein films. You said googly-eyed. He is, though. I was this whole shtick. Googly-eyed man from the young Frankenstein films. You said it. You said googly-eyed. He is, though. It was this whole shtick. Googly-eyed. Was that his medical condition that he had in his eye? He was googly-eyed, was he?

Boggly vision man. You are the worst. Mate, mate, mate, don't worry about it. No, Leighton's here. Leighton sent a message. Leighton's going to come. I knew Leighton would. Leighton from Leighton Night with Brian Wecht,

who we did a few episodes ago. She's there in LA. There's no reason why. Leighton's coming over. Night with Brian Wecht, who we did a few episodes ago. She's there in LA. There's no reason why. Leighton's coming over. You watch. Listen. Hey, Paul. It's Leighton. Hello. You coming? I really appreciate the invite, but just wanted to let you know that I can't make it because

I don't want to come. And there's also the issue of you owe me like $400. No. And I keep sending you cash app requests and you keep rejecting them. I don't reject them. Which is confusing to me because I'm pretty sure what you had me bring you was like a...

What's she talking about? You know, it was across state lines and I'm pretty sure that's what one might call a federal crime. No, is it? So I would really appreciate it if you would pay me back because I really don't want to get authorities involved. No, you're not talking to her in real life. She just left me a message. Hello?

She's not there, Paul. Hello? Hello? She's not coming either. What was not there, Paul. Hello. Hello. She's not coming either. What was that all about? It doesn't matter. It was when we were in LA. She did me a favour.

I can't. It doesn't matter what. You don't need to know. You don't need to know. Well, who's fucking coming to this party now? Who's coming to the party now? So far, it's just you and me still. But there's still Suze Kempner and Nick Helm.

Did you see that weird room, that locked room down by the loos? Eh? I looked in that room when we came back up the corridor. Yeah. From the loos, you know? Yeah, the long one where I saw the Jabba chap. No, they've got all files in there. It's weird.

And it said it was like... What? They all had, like, place names on the different file bits, like Liverpool. Places like that. Why? What, did you look the different file bits, like Liverpool, places like that. Why? What, did you look at them? No, you can't get in. It's not there. It's just an abandoned building, isn't it?

What are these files all about? I don't know, do I? Nor do I understand where you're getting at. It's really weird, this place. Yeah, but it's fine. They built that whole corridor. It's like a separate porter cabin adjoining this one. Hold this camera.

I'm going to use the copy machine. I'm going to use the copy machine. No, I wouldn't touch that. I'm going to get my balls out. Watch it Hold this camera. I'm going to use the copy machine. I'm going to use the copy. No, I wouldn't touch that. I'm going to get my balls out. Watch it. You watch. I'm going to get my balls out. Take a picture.

You'll split your sack. Take a picture. It's Christmas. I'm not going to witness you splitting your sack. I'm going to put them on now. You don't want to spill your actual nads

out of your bloody cleaved sack. Oh! Dush, dush, everybody! Dush, dush, everybody! Dush, dush, dush. Tramping through the snow. Dush, dush, we go. One bollock in each hole.

Fizz, fizz, dush, dush. Mate, they're hanging out. Fizz, fizz, dush, dush, boo. No, come on. You've got to tuck them in. You have to sing along and do the thing. Prodding through the snow. Go pop, pop. Go pop, pop. Pop tuck them in. You've got to tuck them in. No, you have to sing along and do the thing. Plodding through the snow. Go pop, pop.

Go pop, pop. Pop them back in. And they come out again now. In and out. They're in and out, mate. They're in and out. I push one and the other one pops out. You know what?

I'm glad you popped your chief open. Yeah. And you fucking bouncy acorns. Shut up. It's snack time it fucking is where's my spoon mate

okay so walkers have got a line of Christmas crisps in so I've got some Christmas crisps hey I'm going to be serious for a moment about this

everyone because I know crisp based content is what everyone likes and likes it when we taste stuff because I've actually got quite a sophisticated

palate I actually do but you don't that's one of the ways I'm better than you you're better than me in a lot of ways yeah

and you're better than me at being ugly and you're better than me at being shit in bed and everyone really enjoys it when you're abusive level mean to me

everyone really enjoys that Paul including me that makes me feel good. It makes me fucking feel good. It's my show, isn't it? Happy Christmas.

Fuck you. You're actually a meanie. On the inside, you're actually cruel. What do you want to do first? You're a cruel man. Do you want to do pigs in blankets?

You know what's wrong with this fucking mic? I can't fucking look at you. Good. I need to look you down the throat. I'm not even looking at it that way.

I'm looking you down the throat now. All right, okay. All right, got this. Mate. I'm ready for my Christmas now,. I'm looking you down the throat now. All right, okay. All right, got this. Mate. I'm ready for my crisp now, Mr. Man. What do you want

to start with? Because there are three to choose from. You have festive turkey flavour. I'll be onto the phone for the CCWC about this.

There's pigs in blankets and then there is the wild card. I'm going to have to hear them all three again because I haven't been paying attention.

Right, first one is festive turkey. Pigs in blankets. What makes it festive? I don't know. And then Christmas pudding. Pudding being the weirdest one. I think we should end with that. End with that.

Let's start with festive turkey because here's what I'm thinking. What are you thinking? Chicken flavour. We're both thinking roast chicken. Classic Walker's roast chicken. Mate, we've been here before. This is not our first chicken-based roast rodeo, man.

Imagine a real chicken rodeo, where men rode the backs of chickens. I'm going to bring my update. Ride them, cowboy. Yeah, if you had to ride a big fucking turkey. A huge fucking turkey rodeo. That would liven shit up for me. That'd be like Jurassic Park.

Cluck-a-roaroo. Yeah, good. Very good. Right, I'm having a hoof. Oh, you know what these smell like? No, don't tell me, because I was going to update my prediction. I'm going to say roast chicken but with rosemary. Something rosemary is. I'll let you say hoofing now.

Get it all going in there. I mean, I think it's pleasant. Oregano is the note Right It's a roast chicken With an oregano note Yeah Alright

Have you smelled it? Immediately to the nose That's what I smell Just now You've done it I've smelled it I didn't catch it It was such a quick huff

I know I just fucking hot huff Powder injected my nose holes Both times Now Do you remember It was a double fisted Squeeze of the bag

To be serious It was a fucking Textbook To be serious Eli Nose feeding To be serious I was. To be serious. It was a fucking textbook. To be serious, Eli. Nose feeding. To be serious. I was right.

To be serious for Eli for a minute. I was exactly right. Except it's oregano rather than rosemary. Do you remember a few years ago when we had the sausage roll ones and they tasted like chicken? This is where we are again. This is what I think we are. I think this is turkey by any other name. It's chicken and oregano.

That's the smell. Right. I'm having one. Would you agree with that assessment? I mean, they're fine, but they're chicken. I don't even get much in the way of, like,

Herbie Notes. No. Hello, I'm Herbie Notes. We've had him before. Have we? I've come back. He's a jazzer. He's still a jazzer, Herbie.

I'm still a jazzer. What clubs have you been playing? I'm at the Rose and Crown next weekend. They're the Coaching Horses. They're both pubs. Yeah, I know. They do a jazz night now, don't they? I'm Herbie Nolts.

On your way, Herbie. These are fine, but there's not much festive about them. You gave me that in a neutral part of the year. Yeah. And you said, and blind, not seeing the packet, and you said, what is that crisp? I would just say chicken. Yeah, and you said that about the sausage roll one as well.

It's just, up your game, walkers are the worst, aren't they? No. No, they're the ones who brought out that fucking bollocks with the what's it flavoured crisp and the Monster Mush pickle onion flavoured crisp. I just think they throw... That's unforgivable. And that's bullshit as well.

I think they just throw too much shit at the wall and expect it to stick. That's what I think. But with this, there are like slight paxo-y notes to it, which makes it different. There are, but they're very subtle. Right.

Pigs in blankets next, sir. Pigs in blankets. It's going to be a hammy crisp. But again, not a bad crisp. Just an underwhelming one. This will be more towards a sort of smoky bacon. Like a frazzle. As a hammy crisp. But again, not a bad crisp, just an underwhelming one. This will be more towards a sort of smoky bacon, I think. Like a frazzle. That's a basic, yeah.

Don't you think? What's your prediction? I think, I mean, taste-wise, I don't know, but smell, I do think we're in Frazzle's town. Yeah. Any kind of pork thing, they always go frazzle, don't they? Yeah. I'm going to do the two-fisted double huff.

Oh, that's interesting. It's a bit of bacon. Yeah, definitely a smokyled, don't they? Yeah. I'm going to do the two-fisted double huff. Oh, that's interesting. It's a bit of bacon. Yeah, definitely a smoky bacon, isn't it? There is a bit of a smoky bacon, but there is also a bit of sausage in there. I think there's a bit of sausage in there. All right. Like a can of Cumberland.

A herb. A herb. The Cumberland is a herb. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Porky herb. Hello. Hello, I'm Porky Herb. Are you in...

I also do... Gas. So you're in Herbie's band. Porky, you're in the Herbie's band, Porky Herb. Hello. Hello, I'm Porky Herb. What, are you in... I also do... You're in Herbie's band. Porky, you're in the Herbie's band, Porky Herb. Yeah, Porky and Herbie, we go around the pubs. Herbie Notes, you're in his band. Yeah, Herbie Notes and Porky... Porky... Porky's...

What was I saying? I'm Spunky Whiff. I play keys. What, do you like jangling? Oh, mate, I can play with my knob. I sniffed the microphone then, figured it was Chris. Spunky Whiff, but the H is pronounced, so it's spunky whiff.

Whiff. Spunky whiff! Right, I'm going to taste these crisps. Here we go. Oh. Mmm. No. It's a fraggle on meth.

I mean a frazzle. Fraggle. Fraggle-flavored crisps. Are you listening to what I'm saying? Hoo-ha-hoo. No, he's not. I'm on my own here. He's got headphones on as well.

I mean, they're fine. They're more substantially flavoured than the last one, but it's hard to pin down something there, flavour-wise. Again, give me that blindfolded, in the dead of night. Weak bacon. In the dead of night somewhere. Somewhere like this. Somewhere semi-abandoned.

Office unit. Is that what it is? I don't know. It doesn't look like anyone's been in here since the 90s. Well, I don't know. I was sold it

as a space for the night. So here we are. Who gave you the keys? They were just under the mat. Fucking weird. Yeah, it doesn't matter though. Just so everyone knows. Wait, just so everyone

listening knows, this isn't going anywhere, this whole abandoned building thing. No, it is. I like the vibe of it. No, it's the vibe's nice, but we don't have a denouement to that. Yes, we do. Do we?

Remember? Oh. Paul, we have a denouement. Who said that? I'm guiding this. Where am I? Shut up. I'm leaning into it, mate.

No, but I had something to say. Yeah? Imagine tying me up, dead of night. Oh, yeah. Getting me all fucking waxed on. Hard. Waxed on, right? Yeah, hard.

And then you say you don't even know because you've been fucking fucking with my mind or something yeah you say you don't even know what time of year it is a neutral i don't know what time of year like that star trek episode where he goes well how many lights do you see and he goes five but there's actually six or something or whatever it is i've got no idea what time of year it is and you give me that crisp and you don't tell me nothing not a single thing about what to expect I'm totally blindfolded

waxed on hard fucking hard chisel you know what I mean waxed waxed covering me in a gelatinous

but solid sort of see-through shell I'm having a moment a moment a glutinous shell I'm having a glutinous moment a glutinous waxed on shell

binding me to the fucking board. Mate. The point you're making has been noticed by everything. The moment I live for is when you tie... I love it. You tired of me then, didn't you? I'm tired, yeah.

No, but Paul, I'm just saying, if you gave me that crisp blindfolded, I would say smoky bacon flavour. Yeah. But it's kind of like... It doesn't stray far from the tree, does it? It's weak. It doesn't fall far from the tree. I want to take my last statement back. I don't think it's a mobile road bus flavour.

I think it's actually more ephemeral in the mouth. The turkey lingers. The turkey's got more of an umami. Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to? Do you have to let it linger? Not as nice. You know I'm just a fool for you.

Right, last crisps is Walker's. I've only got one pack of this, by the way. All right, well, don't fucking waste the huff juice. Christmas pudding. And I'm going to open it now, but I won't try any. I'll just huff it and then pass it on to my mate, Eli Silverman. Oh, this is a weird smell. You know when they do, like, Christmas pudding hobnobs?

It's like that kind of smell. You know when they do like Christmas pudding hobnobs? It's like that kind of smell. Now, long time listeners, Paul, will understand that I'm against the taste of Christmas pudding as a whole thing. I didn't even know that.

Yeah, I always say, every year I say, I hate the whole palette of Christmas spice on the whole. Oh dear. Especially as it's embodied

in the British culinary scene, Paul. That spice fruit thing, I'm not a fan. Plums or whatever. Spice plums. Yeah.

You want to see spice plums? Mould things. I'll show you fucking... Fucking get it on the photocopier. Slice the baggage. Slice my spice plums. Slice the baggage so the dirty air corns fall out. Oh, dear.

Eli's popped the brain nugget, hasn't he? Shut your mouth. Sniff it. Sniff it. Shake it and snuff it. Oh, nuggets haven't he shut your mouth sniff it sniff it shake it and snuff it oh I haven't you've saved the fresh snuff for me and that to me Paul shows you're a true friend

happy Christmas happy Christmas Merry Christmas hurrah you've broken me you've melted my heart by letting me have the half of these and my heart grew two sizes this day

it's going to be so disgusting these crisps I'm going to have a stroke. Right, I'm going to double huff it. Huff it with all your might, Mr. Silverman. Oh, dear. Oh. I do not care for that. You do not care for it.

I do not like it. But you see what I'm getting at? It smells more like a biscuit. It's a molasses-y. Yeah. Sweet. A sweet, spiced biscuit. Honey or molasses.

Yes, it's... Oaty, almost. Yeah. Go on, have a crisp, and then pass Yeah. Sweet. A sweet spiced biscuit. Honey or molasses. Yes, it's... Oaty, almost. Yeah. Go on, have a crisp, and then pass it to me. I don't even... I know, but this is part of the experiment, the ongoing experiment that is Chico Life. It's raisiny, like a stewed raisin.

I'm raising my voice to get my crisps. You know what I'm getting at? Yeah. This does not smell like a savoury thing. No. I think crisps should be savoury. It's a mild spice shit, I know. Oh, I can't.

Hurry up. Hurry up. The smell, that's one of the worst. It's a small, spiced shit, I know. Oh, I can't. Hurry up. Hurry up. The smell, that's one of the worst. It's licorice-y, the smell, almost. Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I'm getting at, though? It's licorice-y. Have a good if. Get another niff-naff. Yeah, it smells like those, like, kind of, like, you know those biscuits you get with sugar and raisins on?

Yes, it smells so like that. You've done it again. What are they? Those, like, McVitie's, whatever, like, fruit basket crisp biscuits or something, whatever they're fucking called. They're like Gary Baldi's with raisins. I guess, yeah,

Gary Baldi would be the one. That's the one that's a sweet biscuit with the raisins in, the little crystallized raisins, right? Yeah, yes. It's just like that. Yeah. Right, I'm going to have a bite of this, Chris.

That's a very accurate tasting note, though. See, while he has the more nuanced notes and the more broader picture kind of smell, guys. Well, sometimes you just get something exact like that. Yeah. I'm the more broader picture kind of smell guy. Well, sometimes you just get something exact like that. Yeah. I'm very clever. Not very often.

I'm a very clever man. Not very often. But the thing is, when I do peak, it's a much higher peak. Perhaps. Perhaps. I peak harder. I mean, I'm good at identifying actual flavours. Yeah.

And I'm better at being more excellent at a higher ratio. I'm excellent. Who's got the biggest nut bog? I mean, you know it's me. Right. I'm going to have this crisp. God higher ratio. I'm excellent. Who's got the biggest nut bog? You know it's me. Right, I'm going to have this crisp. God bless you and Merry Christmas, one and all. I love the beautiful nuts you rub.

And the way that... No. I don't even want to. I'm putting it off. It's not that horrible. It doesn't taste like what it smells like. It's just... Eat it.

I do not care for that Oh Oh that's a fucking Bullshit That is so sweet But like sweet This is not This isn't designed to be consumed

It's sweet But without Without focus It doesn't taste like Pudding It just tastes like Sweet potato Oh that's really bad

Oh dear Don't you think That's worse than it smelled? Yeah. But guess what I've got to really offset that? I've got some popcorn, because popcorn's Christmassy, right? But this is it. Chirpa Chups popcorn.

What flavour do you think? Blue Razz. Blue Razz. Blue Razz. Muller Corner. Blue Muller. Muller Blue Razz Corner. This is Coca-Cola flavoured popcorn.

Okay. Now, we've never given a hoof to popcorn, have we? blue rads corner. This is Coca-Cola flavoured popcorn. Okay. Now. Now, we've never given a hoof to popcorn, have we? This is the first time. Given a hoof. You know what, mate? The hoof is given to us.

Here's the thing. We're privileged to receive the hoof. Mate. The hoof doesn't... Mate, it's Christmas. And we've never done a popcorn hoof.

I'm going to let you do it. You should do it. You're spoiling me with all of these virgin hoofs. Yeah. Now. I'm going to give it a little tickle and do it. You're spoiling me with all of these virgin huffs. Yeah. Now. I'm going to give it a little tickle and jostle from below.

He's tickling it with the battle of the legs. You want to get some air rotating around. Yeah. All going around as much. Oscillating. And coming out. Oscillate it. At the top. And then I'm going to double fist it.

Oh, okay. That was a bit over the top. Right up my nose it goes with the flow. And what do you think? Elevation. Give it a little pumpy up the nose. What do you think? It smells like popcorn flavoured with Coca-Cola.

Well, there's accuracy for you, isn't there? It does. All right. Is it unpleasant? Too sweet? What are we talking? No, it's not sweet. You've got that dry, almost papery, cardboardy... Popcorn element....old popcorn smell.

Stale popcorn smell. Oh, dear. And then it's actually quite hard to detect, but right on top... Yeah. ...there is a sort of cola, more of a generic than a Coca-Cola. Oh, yeah, you're right.

It's more popcorn than cola, but the cola's there in the back notes of the nose snuff. It's right at the top, isn't it? All right, I'm going to take a few. Oh, it's those kind of really caramelised popcorn. This could work all right. Sweet popcorns, you know. No, I'm not against it.

I just wonder if this will work. They are quite coated, like butterkist or something. Yeah, like that. I don't really taste of anything but sweet popcorn. No, I'm tasting it. I don't like it. Oh, yeah. No, it's there at the back.

Up front, it's very just generic sweet popcorn. No, I'm getting it. But at the back end, when it's lingering on the tongue, you taste that kind of panda-popped cola. That's right. But it's also bringing out a sort of oranginess, a kind of artificial orange sort of... Arsiful.

Like a citrusy sort of... It's actually edible, but it's weird. I don't care for it. It's quite nice until you finish it, and then when you finish it, you're left with that cheap cola. That's not too bad, actually. What was your favourite of all the crisps we had? Oh, here's one more. But I think, did we

do this last year, the Aunt Bessie's roast turkey stuffing? Did we, though? We did the roast potato ones, didn't we? We did, but I got these because I wanted to test this turkey against the other turkey. It's going to be like chicken flavour, isn't it? Obviously. Well, there's too much potato in this hoof right now.

When it comes to bird, we can make a rule. Yeah. Cheap show rule of crisps, number one. Yeah, one. In our written constitution. Yeah, number one. Any crisp purporting to taste a bird of any sort will... Taste like chicken.

Taste like Walker's circa 1986 roast chicken in the orange packs. Here's some wild grouse and games crisps. Yeah. See, any one of those fuckers. You know what? Those fucking, you know what those Hitchhog flavoured crisps tasted like? Yeah, well, just like bacon, isn't it, or something? Oh, okay.

Well, I suppose there's some debate. So these are Seabrooks and Bessies, which is a brand that we've dealt with before who make Yorkshire Puds and Roasties out of the freezer. They make TV dinners. No, that's not fair. Not TV dinners, but they make frozen food stuff. They're essentially TV roasts sort of thing.

Anyway, this is roast turkey and stuffing. I'm going to take a crisp, but I want Eli to huff because I think he'll take a huff and realise there's not much here. Let's see. No, this is going to be a damp squib. Oh, nice potato-y smell. Yeah, that's the thing. It's potato mostly.

These are rich for your pleasure as well. To me, that's just a more enjoyable crisp. It definitely tastes more festive-y than the Walker's Turkey Festive Crisps. There's less flavour but in a better way. Yeah. You know? It's just like a salted... It's more like a ready salted.

It's closer to a ready salted. But it doesn't taste like chicken. You know? No. So like a salty... It's more like a ready salted. It's closer to a ready salted. But it doesn't taste like chicken. You know? No. So we're surprised. That's actually... It's alright. That's alright.

They're salty, aren't they? They're saltier. Yeah. Because it's not overwhelming, actually, it ends up being more edible. What a fine crisp. Seabrooks are like a dark horse, if you ask me, Seabrooks.

Yeah, I agree. They keep up on you and go, bam, here's a good flavour you didn't expect. I've always enjoyed Seabrooks whenever I've eaten them. Yeah, Seabrooks. I agree. They creep up on you and go, bam, here's a good flavour you didn't expect. I've always enjoyed Seabrooks whenever I've eaten them. Yeah, Seabrooks. What higher thing could you say than that? How about this? I like Seabrooks!

That's higher than that, isn't it? Have we had a bad? Have they done, like, nasty gimmicky... No, because we did that Worcestershire Seabrooks, didn't we? Oh, they were banging! Yeah, they were banging. That was a long time ago. It's a great flavour to...

That could have been... A long time ago in Bethlehem... In a different reality... In a different reality, Paul, It's a great flavour. That could have been... A long time ago in Bethlehem, a bold Bible says... In a different reality, Paul, imagine instead of like... You being an idiot. Like them doing Marmite... You're quite handsome. Instead of them doing Marmite crisps,

they did Worcester sauce flavour, and then they became... Worcester? They became a semi sort of... Semi-on. A semi-permanent sort of flavour for crisp, like Marmite. Oh, dear.

Imagine... What do you mean oh dear I like saying it when I don't listen to you here's a little behind the curtains moment ladies and gentlemen

if you ever listen to Cheap Show and I go oh dear it means I've not been listening to Eli for the whole fucking moment you cunt I'm off in Gannonland

we've done our brains in I'm off in Gannonland skipping about gaily la-di-ta-di-ta Gannonland it's not a party if you just say oh Eli's a cunt, isn't it? Mate, here's the party.

The party is what's coming next. And what's coming next, it's Christmas time and I've got presents. I've got presents for you. Where's my device? I'm going to get me presents out. Shut up. Here we go. Presents.

Where did you put them? Down there? No, they're here under the tree. Are they in that room? I put them under the Christmas tree. Did you put them in that room? No, I'm not going in there. Do you have the key?

I heard someone crying in there. I don't like it. Do you have the key? I heard someone crying in there. I don't like it. Do you have the key? No, I don't have a key to that. It's all those files locked away in there. The files thing loads me up. This is going nowhere. I mean, you shouldn't realise that right now.

No, it's fucking working too well. And Paul doesn't like me. No, because I don't know what he's getting at. Through metaphor, uncovering his deepest fucking fear of a lonely, dislocated life. I don't have a lonely, dislocated life. My life is rich and full and proud and strong and erect. My life is a...

That's so Freudian! That's so Freudian! It's so fucking throbbing and girthy, my life. It's like pulsing. It's like... My cock is like Schwarzenegger's fucking bicep. Paul, if you'd like to just put your life a bit here in the space between us. Yeah, I Paul, if you'd like to just put your life a bit here

in the space between us. Yeah, put it here. I'll fucking jack your life off. You want to jack my life off? Todd Jackmaster Farley. What were you... Go on.

I'll tell you what, mate. Jack, jack, jack my life off. I'm going to go and get those presents and we're going to come back. Fucking music. We're going to come back. Shut up.

Don't go in the special room. The memory room. Shut up. Shut up. don't go in the special room the memory room shut up shut up oh I'm loving it shut up press the fucking stupid fucking shit then It's a party. Where's the gin? It's a party.

The gin's over there. Are you having a double gin and bitters yet? Hey, the party's full swing. We've been dancing and grooving and having a lovely time. Paul, in a traditional martini, you put orange bitters. Hey, the party's full swing. We've been dancing and grooving and having a lovely time. In a traditional martini, you put orange bitters. So should we put orange bitters with this?

Yeah. Yeah. I'll put my hat on. Eli, I want to know what... Here's a question for you, Eli. Genuinely, what's your favourite Christmas song? Is there a Christmas song

that you genuinely like? No. Oh, yeah. I like... There's not one single Christmas song that you enjoy. There's this Oh yeah, I like, there's not one single Christmas song that you enjoy. There's this one that,

go on, what is it? What's your favourite Christmas song? Donny Hathaway. Donny Hathaway, I don't know. and it's called,

what's it go like? I saw mama kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night. It's not helping me to remember the song with you fucking

walking. Oh, Rocky Robin, here you go to die. It's not helping me to remember the song with you fucking warbling. Oh, Rocky Robin, here you go to die. That's not a Christmas song. Flying in a Christmas, in a Christmas time. That's not a Christmas song. It's about a robin, isn't it? And robins are Christmas birds. No, they're not.

They are. Well, I've never had roast robin for dinner. Don't eat them. You look at them on a card next to some mistletoe. I would like to eat its little body between its legs. Why would you, you beastie man?

Do you remember that Robin that came and made my friend? Yeah. This is infantilising me. Yeah, well, you know... I refuse to be infantilised by you. Infantilisation across the nation. Now, grab the orange bitters. That one.

That's Angostura orange. Now, we've never had bitters before in our world. It smells quite nice. Does it? What does it smell? Does it smell orangey? It smells like chocolate orange. Oh, yeah. Do you agree before in our world. It smells quite nice. Does it? What does it smell? Does it smell orangey? It kind of smells like chocolate orange. Oh, yeah.

Do you agree? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's nice. That smells nice. It smells nice.

So what are we doing? What's going on right now? Well, in a martini, you'd put gin, vermouth, and this. So this is two thirds of a martini. Two thirds of... Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll just put... I'll put... You're just going to eyeball it. I'm going to put six. Okay, he's putting about six in his little cup here. You can't see because he's not holding it to cameras. Yeah, one for luck, ladies and gentlemen. Always have one for luck.

Give it a shaky poo, shall I? Uh, yeah. Can I shake something? I haven't shaked anything. Just make sure you've got a good seal so it doesn't explode. I know. I'm very aware. I just want to be given a chance to express myself shakily

Oh you keep the silver at the top, it's just weird I would keep the glass at the top personally speaking, but just make sure it's not coming out. I know ready You start getting the coldness on your hand. Don't mess this up. You can fuck up my whole room. Time for the fall. Is it feeling cold on the top? Yeah, you're getting some ice on the top. Look at that froth on that. Frothy boy.

Is it cold though? Yeah. Where's my glass? Where's my glass? Here it is. Here's my washboard. You're going to have some of this as well? Yeah.

That'll do. Save the rest for you. Salute. Merry Christmas some of this as well. Yeah. That'll do. Save the rest for you. Salute. Merry Christmas to you this 2027. We hope you enjoy 2028 when it comes. Congratulations. Why has it gone so cloudy? I don't know. What the orange bitters does.

What was in the actual pot? Just gin and the bitters? Gin and bitters. And what colour are the bitters? Just clear? Yeah. Maybe it's just because it's like aerated because of the shake-up. But I don't know. Let's try it. Oh, that's weird.

Yeah, it's a bit like a martini, but there's not a moof note. That's a weird drink. It's almost like ouzo. Yeah. It's all, not completely. Yes, but it's the botanicals. It's the botanicals from the orange bitters.

It's very strange. You get Yes, but it's the botanicals. It's the botanicals from the orange vices. It's very strange. You get that gin up front. Yeah. And then you get this kind of rose, orange, kind of flowery backwash. Yeah, yeah. But it's also got like that ouzo, like... Bitterness. They are bitters, after all.

Yeah, that licorice-y kind of thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just down the rest of it. It's nice. Get it down here. I might be sick, though, if I do that. No, come on, do it. It's nice. Get it down you. I might be sick though if I do that. No, come on, do it. It's nice.

That's a bad idea. That finish, nice finish on it. I enjoyed that. I like it. I don't know about that. Too bitter for you, that's what it is.

That's a lot of stuff it wants that. Well, for the rest of the gym we can make a gimlet, put some sugar in for you, mate. Oh, yeah, we might need to sweeten that up a little bit. I don't really like

what we just did. I think it's really quite terrible. This is why you wanted to get pissed though for the, mate. Oh, yeah, we might need to sweeten that up a little bit. I don't really like what we've just done. I think it's really quite terrible. This is why you wanted to get pissed, though, for the Christmas party. Yeah, I know, but I'm a little bit too pissed. Do you think you're ready to come to the room round the corner, down the corridor yet? I don't want to go to the corner round the room.

Do you want to come round the corner? Are you ready to come round the corner? Paul, do you want to come to the room, though? I'm a little bit frightened. Do you want to come to the room? I don't want to go to the room anymore. I just want to stay here and be comfortable and loving it and loving it and loving it.

Right. Are we going to play a game or something? That was nice. It's the game of my life. I like that finish. I don't know if that worked for me. I don't know if that worked for me. Can you pass me some crisps?

Because I think I need a different palate. These are the best crisps we tried, the Aunt Bessie's, easily. Aunt Bessie's roast turkey with stuffing. Out of all the crisps we ate, I need a different palate. These are the best crisps we tried, the Aunt Bessie's easily. Aunt Bessie's roast turkey with stuffing. Out of all the crisps we ate, I think those

were the nicest. Yeah, and they weren't really the strongest flavoured, but they were the most pleasant to eat. No, they're just a decent crisp, but

they're potatoey. They taste of potato, you know what I'm saying? That buttery potato-ness is really necessary. It totally is, and

I think the ridges help. That's what I said to everyone. To one for all. To one for all, everyone. To one for all. To one for all, everyone. To one for all.

Merry Christmas. To one for all. Oh, God, I farted all the time I was laughing there. There's more turkey stuffing coming my way, everyone. Oh, my God. Who's opened the bacon sandwich? It was me. Eli punched the pig in a blanket.

Well, let's take a quick break because I think I might be sick. And we'll see how it goes. What are we doing now? We're not having a break. Big finale. There's game presence. Here we go. Let's do it.

Come on, keep going. You have been. I haven't been recording that. What a fucking shame. Oh, no. Right, listen. I haven't. I just started recording now.

All right, I'll do it again. Right, listen. Wait, wait, wait. I need to give it... You need to give it context. It's got a leaky fucking glassy knob. It's so shiny. And you can fucking see it from his shiny big headed knob end. Fuck, he's fucked all night.

And when you see old Rudolph, he'll give you a fright. With his fucking knob. Rudolph, he'll give you a fright with his slacking nose. I saw mommy knobbing Santa Claus underneath fucking Rudolph's dirty dangler. Not as good as my effort. It is time for Price of Shite. I have seven items for Eli to unwrap. This is more unanswered betwings for me. This is a betwing station.

I'm having a betwing party because I've got loads of betwings. Potential for betwings last week, everybody. Loads of betwings. Loads of betwings. And I'm offering more now. So here's the thing, Eli. I've got presents for you. These are all wrapped.

And you're going to unwrap them and guess the price, right? All the usual. And if you get the right price right, you have the option to take that winning price home with you, right? So what you get right, you win. So if I don't, I have to get it on the nose or any one between? No, if you're in either way, like usual, it still counts. All I'm saying is

if you get within spot on or 25. If I get any between on that item. And because it's Christmas, I'm going to say a pound either way. Oh, he's loosened the fucking sleeve. I've fucking lubed it up and got an all greasy, greasy gaffer. It's lost all its electricity and it's like all, it's fucking I've bashed iter. It's lost all its electricity and it's like all...

It's like I've bashed it out. It's like a bunch of fucking... I've bashed it out. It's like a bunch of empty whispers on the road. I've boofed it out. I've boofed it. So, look. He's boofed out the old...

Shh, shh. It's really hard to do a game when I'm this drunk, I'll be honest. Come on. We're all drunk. There are seven items, Eli, and the window, the top tier, it's £25 at the very most.

On all seven? On all seven items. Oh, this is a very Christmas special one. I got these from B&M, right? Every item is from B&M. Every item is from B&M. So this is unusual as well because usually there's a charity shops

and maybe real shop mix, but this is all real shop. These are all new mint on card then. Is that what you're saying? Is that what you're fucking saying to me? And every item you get right within the margins of error. One quid either way. You can take home with you tonight. Seven items. I'm ready for my first. So Eli, you

pick whatever you want. It's a Christmas wrapping. There's packages here. Oh, what's this one? A shaky one. He's opening it up. What is it? I need more light in here. I can't look at these properly without the light. Put those big fluorescent ones on. Oh, fuck off. I like the blue. How about that?

This is Fidget Go Vacuum Cleaner. It's a little fidget toy. It's a vacuum cleaner type thing. I like this. And now you have to guess the price of it. Now again, B&M. You took the prices off. Yes.

In fact, just to give you a little bit of a teaser, you're like, look, I've actually got them printed out on the back, so you know that I'm not cheated. I've got the little stickers. I've pulled them off. Oh, okay, cool. I'm just giving a little flash. Nice to see that.

So it's a little Hoover, little plastic toy Hoover. It has a little device, which would be the roller on a hoover, which I'm fiddling with now. It's very nice. Plus the shake. Shaky, shaky. I can't see any other actual fiddle thing you can do. I don't really get it, but I thought you'd like the hoover one.

Listen, do you know what? I like novelty fidget toys. Yeah. I think as a category, because I had that one, that really cool Adventure Time one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you see that? I had to give it to my nephew, but, you know.

Yeah, well, you can't get over that. They enjoyed it, and my nephew enjoyed it. Now, how much do you think that is? Again, whatever you guess correctly within the margins of error, you take home with you today. B&M, which is known for being cut price. Well, yeah, but again, the window is £25. I think this was like £3.

Between £20. I think £3.99 think £3.99. £3.99. I mean, it's only got a shake. It's more like... And remember, Eli, as I said before, before I started recording... Before, before? Yeah, because I forgot to record, so I'll say it again now.

£1 either way, forwards or backwards. So if it's £25... Did you say that before? Yeah, before I started recording, so I'm going to say it now. Mate, have you started recording now? I'm getting the fear about you recording now. It's recording now. I see the red dot. I thought that was after you said red dot red dot red dot i see the red dot all right so we're playing a game of price of shy everybody but this time all the

presents if he's a pound under or over it still counts as a per twing one per twing and if i get it on the nose it's still two between it's still two between now there's seven items and he's bought them all in the same shop now what do you do you think? And 25 quid is the ceiling. What did you say? Is that the ceiling or the window? 25 is the top tier. It goes no higher than 25. And lower than 23.

Oh, I've got a window everywhere. I've given you a big gaping window with a flappy curtain that flaps in and out. Do you want to widen that window? A big, fleshy, flappy curtain. Get your girth up the fucking window. You can rub your gubbins against. Oh, fuck's sake. I despair sometimes.

I really do. So how much did you say that was? £3.99? £3.99, I think, yes. It has been noted. Next item. Can I come and do a second pass when we get through all of this? If you want to.

I'm going to have to have some gin at some point. All right, I'm out. No, do you want me to fix you another one? No, I've got me other one. No, we'll do a one-shot one. No, I'm doing this for a while. We'll do a one-shot one. I've got me other... No, we'll do a one-shot one. No, I'm doing Desperado. We'll do a one-shot one. I'm doing Desperado.

We'll do a one-shot gin. I can make this last, that's why. I'm on a mood Desperado next, so you are lightweight. Leave me be. Mate, I'm not disagreeing with you. I am a lightweight. That's got a fidget, that's it. It's a rattle.

I'd call it a rattle. A rattly thing. Right, so, 399. I have to build this first, Greg. All3.99. I have to build this first. Right. Alright. Sorry, I have to build this. Here's my vodka.

Now, we had the orange bitters, but this is... Look, I've got a fucking bottle of normal... Oh, he's got a normal Angostura bitters. That's what we're doing today. This is going to be bartender's ketchup, this one. This is the bartender's ketchup one. Bartender's ketchup. It smells like a bar.

It's not what I expected it to smell like. It's more like um... It's like, oh god, it's like cloves. There's a cloves note, that's for sure. Yeah. Oh, interesting. Fascinating ladies and gentlemen. You think that'd be nice with gin? I don't care. Next item, unwrap something he likes because, you know, this is going to be a long segment

otherwise. Shall I open a present then? Two, three, four, five. Five, six, seven. That's it. That's it. Now is the bitter alcoholic in itself? Yes.

Yeah, it's naughty. And it's very alcoholic. It's shelf stable. It's very alcoholic. It's shelf stable. Which means it has to be You don't have to put it in the fridge once it's open.

40 ABV which makes it more useful because it doesn't clutter up your fridge. Like sauce. Like ketchup. Like fanny ketchup. Well ketchup is like Fanny fridge like sauce like ketchup like fanny ketchup well ketchup is like

fanny ketchup Eli bump fanny ketchup he's snotted again like a dirty fucking hog I've had a hard time presenting my I've got a fucking

public facing position as a DJ okay alright which means I have to think about my appearance more than you do in your work

let's put it this way we have a lot of presents to get through and you're fucking taking your time and I want to think about my appearance more than you do in your work let's put it this way we have a lot of presents to get through and you're fucking taking your time I'm having a good time it's not here for a long time it's having a good time this is our most fucking boozed up episode of this we've ever done

I'll taste a bit of it he's shaking it up bosh bosh Merry Christmas boys and girls. I hope you're having fun. Christmas is a special time for everyone. He's shaking it up. But it'll do.

It'll do. Now he's pouring it. That's the difference with the orange bit. It's giving it a kind of lager hue. Lager hue. Hello, I'm lager hue. I've got the same voice as Herbie Notes and fucking... I had Alan Twat and a lot of other characters.

No, Alan Twat. You were dead. No, Alan Twat was a very different voice. Oh, you know, my sister fucking texted me. She said, pre-com John's name is... Oh, I'm going to read it out. It's fucking gold. All right, we'll fucking get this sorted then

so we can play the game. Shut your mouth, I'm having a drink. Whoa, shut your mouth. Shut your mouth. Put your head back in the game. Shut your mouth, I'm having a drink. Whoa, shut your mouth. Shut your mouth, put your head back in the sand and search your mouth. So a fidget vacuum cleaner. And £3.99 is the price so far. And we have six more to go through.

I'm having a taste of his gin and Angostura bitter mix. Just don't. I like that more. You like it more? I thought you would. It's more kind of golden. Yes, it's more rounded. Yeah, golden. Orange bitters is really very bitter right next next present quick mate pick one you like that more what do you want which one do you want this is um oh it's a bell in cockweaves read the microphone it's a little bell that eli is flicking like a clit Right now Oh god we're horrible We're such a horrible podcast

We're such a horrible Grotty Shit podcast For deviants If you're listening to this You're a deviant Yeah I'm a deviant You're a deviant

I'm a deviant Donnie deviant I deviant you Sorry everyone I am a deviant I'm a deviant I'm a deviant I'm a deviant

I'm a deviant I'm a deviant I'm a deviant I'm a deviant Well anyway Eli Someone's getting to contact me in real life It's a bell What how much is the bell It's a fucking to contact me in real life. It's a bell.

How much is the bell? It's a fucking pink. Sorry. It's a pink bell. It's a novelty desk bell. Desk service bell. Hotel desk bell. Service, please. Okay, done.

Yeah, give us it. It's a fucking piece of shit. Well, I'm taking this one home no matter what. You like that one. Well, my partner was like, I want it. So she can sit in the bedroom and go, fuck me. And I come in and I want my job allowed. I fucking give her the gobbles.

I didn't need to hear that. I want my job allowed and give her the gobbles. That's really, it's making me feel uncomfortable. In the bed, legs sprayed going, oh, oh. That's her little pink button. She's twanging. It's her little pink desk bell

I don't want to talk about her like that How much do you think that is Eli? Please tell me before I kill you How much do you think? I think that's I keep thinking Every price in BM For a piece of shit like that

Is like four Maybe that could be more I'm going to say I'm going to take it down a bit I'm going to take it down a notch Yeah go on Because it's such a generic Mass produced item Even more so Than the vacuum cleaner Yeah So I'm going to take it down a bit. I'm going to take it down a notch. Yeah, go on. Because it's such a generic mass-produced item,

even more so than the vacuum cleaner. Yeah. So I'm going to say £3. £3. Okay. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. I'm going to show this to the camera. Is there Red Bull left?

Oh, God, please let there be Red Bull. Right. Item number two, Eli. Which one do you want? There's many here. One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. Before all that, I just need to sing a song to this rebel cat.

Did you know you are my hero? I would like to drink you every day. But I am almost fucking 50. And he could die any day. Shut up! You look like a weird middle-aged metal guy. I can't wait for you to die. You look like Axl Rose.

In that fucking nasty... Do you know what I mean? With the bandana. Yeah, I get it. You just look like a fucking rocker. Oh, wonderful fucking analogy, prick. Yeah, I get it. Yeah, he's looked like a fucking, fucking rocker. Oh, wonderful fucking analogy, prick. God, he's dying.

Die, you fuck. Merry die-mus. Shut your... Oh, you're... Have you spilt something now? No, I've just lost my pee. Right, I'm having another present. Open the next present.

Oh, what's that one, Eli? Doctor Who. Who dares? Oh. Oh, dear. What is it? Oh, no. Oh, dear, dear. What is it? Oh no. Oh dear, Eli.

What is it? I don't want to do this. You're going to have to do one. I don't want to do it. It is Double Dare. It's Filthy Beans. Double Dare Beans. The return of the dirty, filthy beans, which are these Double Dare ones.

Return of the beans. Oh my God. Return of the beans. Oh my Lord. I should explain. We haven't done it in years, mate. I know. We should explain if anyone has joined us.

It's a long time coming. There was a brand of... It was a... You know the biggest... Sorry. Oh, you lost it. Discompute. Who are those big jelly bean...

Jelly bellies. Jelly bellies, yeah. Probably the most visible, biggest brand of jelly beans in the world. Bean Boozled is what they did. Which was beans special edition special edition

I like beans. Shut up! My favourite thing is beans. Don't bring that shit in here. Beans. Don't bring that shit in here. Even on my mind lately. Don't bring him here. No. He'll go in your room. Is it your room?

No, it's your room. Did you order that room out? No, it's just an empty room. I'm going home tonight. I'm just around the corner. I'll stay at yours then. Can I stay in your bed? No.

That. Yeah, alright. Mate, give it here. That was the worst improvisation I've ever heard. I'm fucking really fucking drunk. No, you shut your mouth

for a second. I'm explaining being boozled to them. Can you explain? Because we need to explain. It is a Jelly Belly kind of spin-off where the idea is you get one colour of bean, but that one colour has two flavours. For instance, if it was green,

it could be apple or sick. If it was red, it would be strawberry or blood, right? The innovation was a confectionery company making a product that tasted bad on purpose I think that was the first example of that I've seen it was the game now we're gonna play the game

give it here and for me that was it's very it still is it's novelty but then Double Dare it's a rip-off version of that that isn't Jelly Belly

but these aren't Double Dares these are yes they are no they're not they're called it says Double Dare on it it calls Who Dares is what it says here oh god Yumi or Yuki do you remember the Double Dare ones that were in B&M double dares. Yes, they are. No, they're not. It says double dare on it. It calls who dares.

Oh, God. Yumi or Yuki. Do you remember the double dare ones that were in B&M like five years ago? Well, these were the ones I got from B&M, but now they're branded differently now. Okay, but they are...

Can we just... The point I'm trying to make is these are worse than the Jelly Belly ones. The bad, they're worse than. Well, they're of lesser quality, but actually... And it makes the bad flavours

worse bad flavours. So it's got a dial on right so they're going to spin it i don't want to do this paul i'll do one i'll do one as well i'll flick i'll flick for you no i've had enough i'm going to flick for you and then you can flick for me so here we go i'm spinning it gin and bitters and it comes to apple or wasabi oh that's fine you see wasabi's actual food it's fine. You see, wasabi is actual food. It's when it's like blood or... I'm grabbing one at random.

Here is the one I've got. I'll taste one of those. Do you want to try? I'll let you even pick your own. All right? Green. So it's either going to be very apple-y or very wasabi-y. So here we go.

I've got mine. Here we go. Three, two, one. I haven't put mine in my mouth, ladies and gentlemen. I'm waiting. I, two, one. I haven't put mine in my mouth, ladies and gentlemen. I'm waiting. I think that's apple. I think that's apple. I'm not getting any mustardy heat of it.

No, not at all. That tastes like apple to me. What was that? Oh, is that wasabi? Yeah. Is it good? It's not awful, but I quite like the taste of wasabi. Does it work as a jelly bean, though? No, not really. It's not like... You flick it. It's hors of wasabi. Does it work as a jelly bean, though? No, not really. But it's not like... You flick it.

It's horseradish. Yeah, it's horseradish, basically. I mean, effectively. Because they're never going to put... You think they'd put real wasabi in this? Wasabi itself is one of those extremely expensive, difficult... It's a fucking root that grows in a tree in a stream. Have you heard about this?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The root of a tree. It's a very ornate experience to get out. It's really difficult to get real wasabi. So flick it. In a sushi restaurant in London, you just get... It's horseradish-coloured green. Flick it, and then eat one of the beans.

You've got to flick the arrow, and then that's it. Oh, I've moved it, though, now. You've moved it, you fucking gormless, gobshite, dogshit, fucking quack-faced prick. Stop trying to do that. No one likes... Spin it. What's it going to land on? Cola or garbage?

What's garbage? Rubbish. All right, I'll tell you what. You pick for you and I'll pick for me. Which one was it? Brown. Obviously, because cola's brown.

Oh, I knocked... Here we go. Right. Both have a bean, everyone. I've got a bean. It's a bean. It's a brown bean. Is it going to be cola or garbage?

Oh, fuck. Is it going to be cola or garbage? Oh, fuck. Is it garbage? Fuck it out. God, it tastes like sick. Oh. What have you got? Cola. Oh, God.

Very lemony. It tastes like sick. Mine's extremely lemony. Oh, it tastes like sick so much. I had a lemon one. Oh. Oh. It's your turn to flick.

It tastes like bin juice. It's your turn to flick for a bean. I'll flick for a bean. One more each. Quick. Not one more each. Fuck that. One more in general,

then we'll stop. Just have one more. Right, here we go. I got a lemon one by mistake, everyone. Let me flick my bean. Here we go. What's it going to land on? It lands on... I haven't had a bad

one yet. Cherry or chili. Both fine. We'll see. Again, chili, an actual thing I enjoy. What's the risk? Is that a real... Have you slipped me a garbage one? I don't know. This is a chili or cherry. It's that one. I don't know. Here we go. One, two, three. Oh, it tastes

like medicine. Here we go. One, two, three. Oh, it tastes like medicine. It tastes like hot Taco Bell. Oh, God. Oh, no. It's quite spicy.

Oh, no. Oh, quite spicy. Oh, no. Oh, that's horrible, actually. You're right. Okay. That really is. Well, okay. It tastes like a children's vitamin tablet filled with chilli. Mate, how much do you think that was, then?

The Who Dares Jelly Beans. How much do you think that was? Oh, God. Oh, that's really grim, man. What's happening now? Oh, fucking me. I knew this. We went, oh. How much is that? What's happening now? Oh, fucking me. I knew this. We went, oh. How much is that?

I can't do make content anymore. How much is that? I need to go make content in the toilet. How much were they? I need to make content. £1, £2, £3, £4, £5, £6. How much was that? Well, there's been a lot of food inflation in the UK.

Yeah. Recently. Oh, fuck me. Have a drink or something. Fuck me. We've got to have this wine, by the way. This wine liqueur. Towards the UK. Yeah. Recently. Oh, fuck me. Have a drink or something. Fuck me. We've got to have this wine, by the way.

This wine liqueur. Towards the end. You're trying to hold down the pews. How much is the beans? I'm going to be

sick. Oh, yeah. Yeah, go on, beans. How much is beans? Don't be sick, Paul.

Tell me how much is beans. Calm down. Tell me how much is beans. I don't want you being sick. Well, then tell me

how much is beans. Oh, no, you're beans. Not your ass beans, mate. You want me to be sick? I think more like six? Oh, no, you're beans. Not your arse beans, mate. You want me to be sick? I think more like six quid, maybe. Six? Yeah.

I'm tying it down. Five pounds, 75. 5.75. 5.75. Oh, that beans. Oh, it's like a grim... There's like a party in my mouth, and it's literally like... And everyone's ejaculating.

Everyone's fucking gone to jail for what they did in my party mouth. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, let's just... You know where I'm fucking getting at, though? Paul, don't put the finger up me. I'm going to take a break in the audio, that's why. Don't put the finger up me. I need to pee.

I need to go whizzle. You're going to puke, aren't you? No, well, maybe. We're moving on next one which one do you want to unwrap next Mr Silverman at our office

Christmas party our office our office Christmas party? Our office orifice Christmas party. Come on. There's four more, Eli. What do you want? I want to see who... There's another... People came.

There's nothing going on. We're moving on from that because I am not... Mate, I'm not engaging in this. We have to drink this. People came. All right, we'll do it. Shut your mouth about that. Shut your mouth.

Shut your fucking mouth. No, I won't put up with this from you. I think the CCWC has had a victory today. And I think you should be a big man. Scab. You should be. You're a scab. You crossed union lines.

No, you're not in this union. This is my union against you. Well, I've got a union then. The Paul Gannon against Eli Silverman union. What's their initials though, Paul? PG fuck Eli OMG. Those aren't letters. You're a cunt.

You couldn't rise to the challenge of an improvisation. Let it be noted. Grab your next present. It's open. I am your cunt. This is the biggest one. It's a big one. I've got strain in me leg.

That's because you're a fucking idiot. It's not anything to do. Talk into the mic. Talk into the mic or you're not in the podcast no more. Is that a fucking ultimatum? Right, I'm getting on the phone to the CWC right now. Have you threatened

this? Are you threatening my job? Are you threatening my job? Are you threatening my job? Yes, I'm threatening your job. What is it? Oh, what is it, Eli? You shut your fucking hole. That's what it is. What is it, Eli? You can fuck off.

What is that you've got? Right. I'll tell you what it is. What it really, really is. Come on, take part in that. Paul. I'm writing down salient information. What have you got? What is it that you've got right there?

I'll tell you what it is, what it really, really is. What is it, what it really is? No. Ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho. Just read the box. It's easier. I might tuck my pillow in.

It's just, I can't, I'm not comfortable here. This isn't working. You're not even on camera. I don't care. It's not working for me. You tuck the pillow in. I'm lifting up. You tuck it in.

I've done nothing. I do. I'm asking you to do something for me. I don't know what you want me to do. I'm frightened. Put the fucking pillow in! What pillow? This pillow here! This one!

I've done it, I guess. Do it again now. There we go. Now, open, tell us what you're fucking presenting. I just let a fart that's been brewing there. Mate, you've been doing nothing but windy guffers all fucking night. You've stenched this fucking place. I just unleashed the... Open your fucking present it just let a fart that's been pretty you've been doing nothing, but windy guffers all fucking night You've stanched this fucking place out with your meaty gizzards

Meaty gizzards, right? What is it talking to the microphone you fucking retrofate? you fucking retrobate. Oh. Talk into the microphone rather than fart into it, please. This is the worst episode ever. You're so shit, mate. And then you literally writhe around and fart on it.

Fucking madman. Shut your mouth shut everyone has problems you have your fucking fair share i've broken it what the fuck is it i can't read the box i can't see it give it here it's star master projector it's a star projector it's been i've seen this on my social media feeds yeah it's one of those b& from B&M. Does it work? Yes, I think. I don't know. I haven't put batteries in. How much was it?

I don't know. You need to tell me. How much was it? What was my guess on the last item? You said the beans were £5.75. £5.75. Oh, I don't want to break it. This is a projector. Oh, okay, okay.

How much do you think that is? It doesn't work. It's got no batteries in. I've not actually put it in yet, have I? What batteries does it take? You need your screwdriver. It's got another fucking screwdriver. Don't break it.

Don't break it. Don't be hasty and break the thread. I'm not. I'm going to use my proper screwdriver. All right, do you want to need some light for this? No. It's just fucking ridiculous in here. Put on those overhead strips.

No, I've got it. It's fine. What batteries does it take? Where's my phone, Port? Where's my phone, mate? It takes three double A's. Go into my bag and there's a row of double A's in there. Where's my phone? I don't care.

Where's my phone? I don't care. Oh. It's all bits. You upset me now. Reach into my bag. I'm finding my phone first. How do you like that? Do you like that? Right, oh it's working. Is this one of the good ones?

It looks like one of the shit ones mate. Oh this is shit. This is a crap one everyone. Doesn't even work. Hang on, I've got to turn the disco lights off. It doesn't look anything like it. I've got to turn the disco lights off and these lights off. Hang on. Oh, it's a bit starry. Look. Oh, it's a bit starry. It's all right. It has to be said. But how long do you think the batteries will last? Oh, it changes colours. Look at that. It's not as good as it is on the ads. No, this is a shit cheap one from B&M. Look at that. Oh. I'm not that impressed. But it's still some ambient light, I guess.

Yeah. A little bit ambient light. I'm working for that. A little bit ambient? In the House of Pickles. I'm working for that. By the way, if you support us on Patreon, you might have access to the after party. We're going to do an after party episode for this.

In the original House of Pickles. In the going to do an after party episode for this. Original House of Pickles. In the OG. How much, though, is this Star Master? I actually don't give a shit. I found that item extremely depressing. On Twitter, they had this thing and it looked like it was all galaxies and shit. Yeah, it's not as good as that.

That's not fucking galaxies and shit. This is a lot cheaper than that. No, does that thing even real? Does that thing even real, Eli? You know what I mean. How much do you think that thing even real? Does that thing even real Eli? You know what I meant. How much do you think that is though?

That thing that you see on Twitter, does that even real? Answer my question. Yes. Does that even real is yes. There's a projector

that just does that. How much do you think it is? It's just a film projector. How much do you think this is? Essentially.

This is a piece of shit that probably cost... How much do you think that is? So far you've done four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, seven, eight,

nine, ten, eleven, twelve. Seven fifty. Seven fifty. I'm going to help you out here, honestly, and say it's too high. Five. Okay.

Yeah? Because I'll lock it in. I'm not playing my games with you about the drinks here. Fine. I know I've eroded your trust after last week, but... Ball, ball.

I'm doing Sweet Child of Mine. And then do it. You come in. How much do you want to say it is? How much do you want to say it is? How much do you want to say it is? Eli, how much was that projector? Oh, I gave you an answer and you're saying...

I can't remember because you started singing fucking Sweet Child of Mine badly. Like a twat. Oh, Crispy Panties down. Did you say five? I did say five, but I want to revise it. Okay, what is it? Four. Four, okay.

£3.99 again. £3.99? Yeah, it's a piece of fucking shit, man. Right, next item. Pick whatever you want, Eli. She's got pandas that are well-crafted. She put them out on a wall. To be fair, this room's very big,

so it's not going to cast that much of a light. Don't start casting aspersions. Anyway, it's a big old classroom or something. Anyway, next, Eli. That weird equipment. Eli, next item. This is the largest. This is the largest.

It's a ball. It's a magnetic 3D puzzle ball. It's not mint on card no more. It's not mint on card no more. There's a lot of extraneous packaging. This would be a terrible gift for someone. No one wants this. Why do some people do it, though? It's a big ball puzzle bullshit thing.

What's interesting about it is that it sticks around a big magnet, so you attach it to a central orb. You see what I mean? I don't want to break it apart, because then I'll never get it together again. Well, that's what a puzzle is, though, isn't it? You take it apart and then put it back together. It's all these interlocking shapes that go around the magnetic ball.

It's very plasticky, isn't it? It's very plasticky. But it all fits around a magnetic orb. Is this my last? I've got still two to go. No, you've got two more. Okay, I say £3.50 for this. Okay.

All right, let's get this fucking show on the road, bro. I've already fucked this up, man. Fuck this, fuck my life, and... Talking to the microphone so we can hear your joyful comments. No one wants to hear me. I don't want to hear you, but, you know, whatever. Oh, look, it's like the cross. Yeah. Jesus know, whatever. Oh, look, it's like the cross. Yeah.

Jesus Christ, Christmas. Oh, look, it's like I'm holding a cross up, but the power of evil coming off you as Dracula has melted it back. Show them that. Show them that. I'm going to show them the evil cross. The melted by Dracula's evil cross. It's melted back by Dracula's evil.

See the curve. You know what I'm getting at, though? Yeah, I do. Do you like that, though? Do you like that kind of thing? I do, actually, yeah. Because it's all magnetic and it sticks to itself. But this kind of thing, if you'd seen it in the 90s

in a sort of high-end... Gadget shop. Modern art. No, like a modern art museum. And it was meant to be an arty toy. You know, using abstract art geometrically. Yeah. It had a certain cachet about it then, you know?

I would agree. But this now, you know, it's just come from a fucking shithole. And you said £3. Yeah. It had a certain cachet about it then, you know? I would agree. But this now, you know, it's just come from a fucking shithole. And you said £3.50. Next item, there's two more left. They're both book-shaped. That sounds like a deck of cards of some sort. Sounds like a deck of cards, but it's not, is it?

What is it? It's not. It's some kind of game, I reckon. Definitely a game. It is Santa Banter. Santa Banter. Get the torch on. Get the fucking torch on.

It's a game based on, well, it's by the same people who did Obama Llama. It's lovely chilled gin and Angostura. I'll read it to you. Oh, baby. Right. So the idea is with this game is that you've got to figure out

the rhyme. I tell you what, Eli, I'll give you an example. What do you have to do? So if I read the statement out, you have to find the rhyme. I'll tell you what, Eli, I'll give you an example, right? What do you have to do? So if I read the statement out, you have to find the rhyme. Okay? So... Oh, it's like Christmas cake.

That does a bit, doesn't it? Eli, pay attention, right? So I'm going to read a sentence out and you have to tell me what it would be like if it was a rhyme. Okay? So if I said to you,

Rudolph with a bright nose is trying to knock a ball with a metal stick, what would you say? What would be the rhyming thing there? And I'll tell you, Rudolph playing golf. You see what I'm saying?

So I'm going to give you a statement such as... Oh God. Okay. This is no fun. You're no fun. Come on, admit this is... Admit This is no fun. You're no fun. Come on, admit this is... Admit something's no fun.

You're no fun. I'm the funnest guy you know, Paul. I'm so fun that I fucking appear on this shit. Okay, Eli, what's this? Literally, we make 50 fucking one episodes a year. Shut up. It's a lot, man.

It's too much. It's a fucking lot. Eli. You know what I mean? Tiny confetti cannons fired at Christmas time are used by the police. I want you to show me that you value me. I know I make up this shit with the union and everything. I need a little reassurance from you that you value me.

Well, I don't, so fuck off. Well, I'm not doing this stupid game then. So, Santa Banza, what would be the rhyming couplet if I said tiny confetti cannons fired at Christmas time being used by the police? What would you say? Think about it.

It has to rhyme. Party poppers used by the coppers. Exactly right. What about twinkle illuminations wrapped around your tree or provoking

fisticuffs and brawls? What's behind you? Christmas lights are causing fights that's exactly what it is you like this do you let me read another one out at random

here's another one at random here we go fuck you the third and final ghost from a Christmas carol comes from the capital of Northern Ireland

what would that be is a rhyming couplet type thing a rhyme a rhyme I don't I can't remember that cunt ghost name. The third and final ghost from A Christmas Carol.

I can't remember his name. Edmunds, is it? You mean it doesn't have a name? It has a distinction. Ghost of Christmas. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Go on. So the third and final ghost from A Christmas Carol comes from the capital of Northern Ireland. What would you say? Irish future. Fuck off.

It's the ghost of Christmas past. It's from Belfast. I thought it was the ghost of the future came last. Right. Fuck off. It's the ghost of Christmas past is from Belfast. I thought it was the ghost of the future came last. Right, next one. Belfast past. Two pieces of material used to slide down snowy slopes have displaced the things they need to open a door. Two pieces of

materials used to slide down snowy slopes have displaced the things they need to open a door. Skis have lost the keys. Exactly. Eli, what is the price for Santa Banter? Three quid. £2.99. What are you going to say? I'm saying £2.99. £2.99.

Oh God, I wish this was over. This is a bit like being in a shit Christmas party now. You wouldn't respond to me when I made an emotional outreach. £2.99. You've got one You know what, Paul? Last item, Eli. You have a narrow emotional vocabulary. And you have a wide, broad fucking stupidity.

And I try and say something serious to you, you have a restricted emotional range. I feel very ill right now. And I might be sick at any moment. Don't be sick, mate. We're having fun now. I don be sick at any moment. Don't be sick, mate. We're having fun now. I don't know if I am anymore actually at this point

because I feel very ill. Come on, mate. And I feel waves of nausea rolling over me like hot, hot water. Have a fucking soft drink or something.

What have you got in your hand? It's water. Do you want some water? This is clean water. I'll pour it into your glass. Hold your glass up. I've got no glass. I've got no glass. What's wrong with your glass? We've got boo clean water. I'll pour it into your glass. Hold your glass up. I've got no glass.

I've got no glass. What's wrong with your glass? We've got booze in. Well, finish it. Here we go. I'm drinking a little bit of bitty water. This is you laugh, you lose, Paul. Carry out tasks without laughing.

Oh, no. I'm going to find this trivially easy. It's another game. Oh, really? Out there, my dog. All right. Well done. Make a mess. Still got this liqueur. Are you having game. Oh, really? I don't see my dog. All right. Well done. Make a mess.

Still got this liquor. Are you having some of this with me? I don't care how fucking pissed you are. You're tasting this. You're tasting this. All right. I'm looking forward to it. But right now, let's just concentrate on the fucking game at hand.

Right. What do I do? These cunting cards. I don't know. You read them out and then you do something. I don't know. Fucking hell, mate. This is like being in a fucking endless podcast with you.

Are you going to let me into the room? It's not a podcast, is it? It's just a natural party. Well, next time we go to the loo, can you just open the door? I know you've got the key. Yeah, I've got the key. It hasn't got a key. It's got a latch.

You'll be fine. Just go in. I couldn't get in there. Well, I could get in there. I didn't have a key. What do I do with these cards? I don't know. Read one out and see what it says and I'll do it.

Oh, for fuck's sake, mate. I'll read it out. Give it here. Where's my fucking phone? No! Are you getting better? You need to do some more drinking, my friend. There's a whole fucking margarita.

I'm going to be sick. I'm going to be sick in your face. I'm going to be sick in your face. If you were going to be sick, you would have been sick already. Yeah, I'm going to be sick in your face. In your mouth. Look at my torch on my lovely, lovely phone.

Read out one of these cards from this game. How to play, it says here. Do you want to hear that? No. Just read a card out. Okay, this card says... Talk into the microphone!

Okay, this card says, accuse another player of having the milkshake that brings all the boys to the yard. No, I don't want to play this game, Paul. You do it.

Tell me about your milkshake. This is really harshing, my vibe. Tell me about your milkshake. It's my... Tell me about your milkshake that brings all the boys to the yard. No, I don't want to play this game, Paul. You do it. Tell me about your milkshake. This is really harshing, my vibe. Tell me about your milkshake. It's my... Tell me about your milkshake that brings the boys to the yard. It brings all the what?

And then you say what? And then I go, oh, does it now? And then you say, yeah. Do you know what my milkshake is? What? Fat cum. Fat cum! No, it's mouldy cum.

Mouldy old cum. It's mouldy... Mouldy old come. It's Moldy. Moldy old come. Get the crust on the bar. This is awful. Literally awful content. Yeah. So the streaming,

you come. Give us some cards. I'll have a look. And you put it out to rock. Give me all of them. And it's fine. What happened? Give me those cards.

What happens with this game? Give me the cards. I need you to explain how we play it What happens with this game? Give me the cards. I need you to explain how we play it. I don't know. Give me the cards. I've got the how to play. No, I will not. I just want to read the card out.

I will not sacrifice meaning to you. Right. To review. I will not sacrifice structure. Give me a card. No. To read. Just to read.

It will take a few seconds just to learn how to play this game. The game is someone reads a card out, does the action, and if everyone laughs, then they lose. They have to not laugh. Who? Everyone else? If they laugh, they lose. The person doing it, it must be. No, the person listening.

Really? Yeah. Oh, I'll make you laugh every time, mate. Give me a card. I'll give you it. So I'm meant to not laugh at whatever you do? Yeah, I'm going to do it. I'm going to try and not... Read it out, come on.

I need to ask to not laugh, all right. You read it out first, though. Oh, look, he's fucking editing it. Oh, look, here's a card. He's trying to look for a funny one. That's cheating. That's fucking cheating. For one minute without any gaps.

It might be funny. Explain what's so good about Christmas. You. How about that? He doesn't want to do that. Look, he's looking... Sing the lingual lady. There's no...

This is the shittiest thing I've ever done. do that? Look, he's looking at me. Sing the lingual lady. There's no, this is the shittiest thing I've ever done. Looking at you fail to sing. Sing I've got a brand new combine

half a set in a French accent. How about that? I'm going to sing it at you and you have to laugh. Don't laugh. I won't.

Oh, is there, is there, are you fucking laughing already? No, stop now. All right, okay. Bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring,

bring, bring, bring, bring, bring stop now. Alright, okay. I've got the bank, you can't buy a harvester. I give you the key. You win that one. Alright, next one. I'll do fucking all of them. Speak the lyrics

of Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen to another player very seriously. Right, here we go. Alright, I won't laugh. Is this the real life? I hate this shit.

Is this just fantasy, mate? Caught on a landslide no escape from reality open your eyes give us your thighs and see that's not the lyrics so you're disqualified

no it's my turn now do your best impression of Kermit the Frog I'll do it here we go get this I haven't laughed hey ho

I'm Kermit the Frog Kermit the Frog owie owie owie owie owie oh Miss Piggy oh Miss Piggy owie owie owie owie owie oh Miss Pigwie owie owie owie owie! Oh Miss Piggy! Oh Miss Piggy! Owie owie owie owie owie owie! Miss Piggy! Owie owie owie!

Shut up! Owie owie owie owie owie! That's what got me! Owie owie owie owie! That's what got me! Miss Piggy! Miss Piggy! Yeah you fucking laughed, I'll give you another one. No I didn't laugh for that one, which means you can't...

You hand the baton on! Alright. You have to be... Jesus! Go on then pick a random card and make me laugh people at home can see patrons can fucking see

but he's been fucking trying to find the funny ones yeah you do it then well that's not fair you do it then you have to take the card you're given

you boggly gobshite fucking do it fucking do it you boggly gobshite pick a card any card you like and try and make me laugh with it. He's not going to be... I'm Kermit the Frog.

I hate all of these. They mean having to stand up and shit. That's why I know why you... Shut up! I'm Kbing you frag That's the good shit That's not Kermit the Frog How much is this game?

Oh here we go In your best Cockney accent Say this I wanna know How much is it For a quarter panda Ain't cheese Gennata mean? What the fuck did you even say that?

I haven't done it. That's just really out. I've got to do it now. In your best Cockney accent. I want to know how much is it for a quarter panda ain't cheese gennata mean? I don't even fucking understand a word you're fucking saying for it to be amusing. Neither do I. I think that's the problem.

Anyway, I'm out. Paul, I'm done. I'm broken. I'm done. Even do I. I think that's the problem. Anyway, I'm out. Paul, I'm done. I'm broken. I'm out. I'm not doing this. I'm not doing the game anymore. How much is that game? I'm broken, Eli. I'm not doing this. How much is that card game?

I don't care. I honestly don't. How much is that card game? I don't care about the betweens anymore. I need to wipe my nose. How much is that card game? Don't show this. How much is that card game? Don't show this. Don't show this. How much is that card game? Then we can end this. You can't show this.

How much do you think it is? Just give me a number and I can end it. It's all over. I can't do this. You can't put this out. How much is it? Tell me and then this segment ends. How much? Two, three, four, five pounds?

What is it? Two quid. Two quid for that card game? Fuck you. You sure? I don't want any of this shit.id. Two quid for that card game? Fuck you. Are you sure? I don't want any of this shit. Right. I don't want any of this shit.

Right. Listen, you shut up. Right, here are the scores. I've got one quid either way, remember? Eli, here we go. One quid either way, the final price. Let's find out how he did. So the first item was the Gadget Hoover thing.

You said £3.99. The price was £3. That's between for Eli. I'm going to get loads of it. Do you want to have that toy since you've won it oh that's for the only one I want alright okay good

next you said the bell the bell you said was £3 £2.50 you get another betwing well I could take that couldn't I yeah but I'm having that

and I could fucking secret Santa your girlfriend but I'm having that the next is the jelly beans jelly beans he said he said it was £5.75 I think the75 inflation was my

reasoning but unfortunately it is four pound for that one so that's a ding dong there and um star what's next projector eli said 399 the answer is 350 so that's another between three like that's three between three i'm getting it... It's Christmas per twings. Plenty per twings. The magnetic puzzle ball. That, you said, was 350. The answer was... £6.

No per twing there. Oh, it's a nice item. And then the Santa Banter puzzle game, Obama Llama thing. I could not give a fucking shit. You said £2.99. The answer was... £2.99. The answer was £2. Another between.

Oh, this is when it's a pound either way from one shop. And then the laughing game with the stupid challenges. Oh, I hated that. You said £2. The answer was £4. Oh, I didn't get between there. I should have said three again. So, do you want, out of these items, the projector, the gadget hoover,

or the Santa game? Or the bell. Or the bell. I'm having the bell. Just say, by the rules you set out, I'm also allowed the bell. Yeah, but I'm also having the bell because I want the bell.

Well, I'm fine with that, Paul, but you have to say I have to be gracious and give away to your girlfriend who asked for the bell specifically. Do you want the bell? Are you saying she won't... Hoover Bell...

Are you going to cut that out? Hoover Bell... You need to cut that out, my friend. ...project, projector, or Santa game. Which ones of those do you want?

Do you want the magnetic ball? No. Do you want the projector? I want the vacuum. All right, you can have the vacuum. Oh, yeah, I'd like the projector, please.

All right. It's on the floor somewhere, but here's the projector. I'd like the projector, please. All right. It's on the floor somewhere, but here's the projector. I'd like the projector, please. Happy Christmas. And, Eli, congratulations. Are you going to do something with the ball,

or am I going to have to take that to a charity shop? I'll take it. I'll take it back. It's fine. Don't you worry, mate. It's all right. Well, there you go.

It's all right, man. So you've got the projector, and you've won... You know what? It's been a good party. And you've won the... I need to go down and use the loo.

Can I have the... What? Key for the loo. Key for the loo, please. You don't need to. It's on a latch. It's just on a latch. It's fine.

What do you mean it's on a latch? It's not fine. That's scary. You're going to come with me. Take your flashlight with you then, you big idiot. So I've got loads of between. I'm going to carry on drinking and keep the party going and fucking start dancing.

Seeing a bit, losers. You big fucking losers. I'm going to take... I'm going to the loo. I'm going to take the bell. Next, please. I'm fucking dead inside. Dead. Dead.

Why didn't anyone come to my party? Why didn't anyone come? Mate, get the booze out. What else have we got? Yes. We have this, which was given to me by Ben Steiner's brother, Adam. I went round to his house in Highgate. What is it? You haven't told me what it is.

He's re-gifted it to me. All right. We take a re-gift any day of the week. It is Croatian, Paul. What does that mean? From Croatia? It's a country which is in the day of the week. It is Croatian, Paul. What does that mean? From Croatia? There's a country which is in the form

of Yugoslavia. Never heard of it. Sounds like you've made it up. No, I have relatives from that part of the world, so I find it very insulting. Just in a racial way, it's very insulting.

If you want to make stuff up, go for it, Paul. Don't bring me into your lie. Just don't bring it in. Why can you not? Just not be a... Croatia, what a... It doesn't exist.

Do you know what... What love is? Yeah, I do. And I want you to show me. Do you know what country all the people who do knitting come from? Crocheter. Crocheter, yeah. It's very funny, that.

That's my joke. Crocheter. It's like seven months ago and it died on its arse then. Right, so you've got to drink this booze then. Oh, mate, there's a fucking other message. Oh, it's from Nick. No. Let me play Nick's.

He's coming. Don't you get it? I want to just play Nick's message. Hang on. Here we go. It's just wine the cure. Here we go. Nick's coming.

Here we go. Hi, Paul. It's Nick Helm here. I can't actually come to your Why? Your Christmas party this year Because I don't want to Fuck So maybe, maybe next year No, don't bother, fuck off

Stop talking back to them He can hear me He can't Prick This is bullshit You're going to I think I'm busy. You are making work for yourself in the edit.

Now, taste, sniff this. This is Croatian wine liqueur, everyone. Why is it liqueur? Because it's a wine liqueur. It's not wine. Almost like port. I reckon it'll be very deep red. Now, put it in there. Is it red? Yeah. It's like like port. Yeah, I reckon it'll be very deep red. Now, put it in there.

Is it red? Yeah. It's like thick red. Now, have some of that, mate. Have some of that. What's the smell like? Porty? Winey?

It is. It's very porty. It's very sweet and heavy and rich. I'm going to give it a go. Oh, God. What's it like? Rich. It's very rich.

The only way I can describe it. Would you like to drink a big full glass of that? No, because that's really like a lot. What's it like? Rich. It's very rich. The only way I can describe it. Would you like to drink a big full glass of that? No, because that's really like a lot. Have you had some? No. Have some. I don't want.

That makes me sick, that stuff. Have some. Have some of that. There's a lot there going on. It's very sweet. Oh, we don't like it. Oh, we don't like it, mother. Oh, but you know what I mean?

I do not like that. It has a port thing going on, right? It's literally giving me a headache immediately. Just that red wine gives me a headache. And that's just... It's giving me a headache. Just the smell of that. Oh, God. It's got cinnamon.

It's got a cinnamon note. Is that what you're talking about? Yeah, that's it. It has got a Christmas note to it, which is fine. Which is cool, isn't it? You want some more? No. Have some more.

No. Come on, this is going to spoil. I don't know. I'll be sick. I'll be sick in my face. Well, I'm going to push the boat out. I'm having gin. Oh, he's having gin.

Which bitters do you think I should have? The almond soda and gin? Just have the almond and gin right now. Just do that. All right. Oh, mate, there's another message. Oh, it's from Suze Kempner. Oh, maybe she's running late

Let me just see what Suze has to say Hello Paul Thank you for the invite Really really wanted to come to your party But I'm doing something else Literally Literally anything else Shut up

We'd have loved to have been Maybe come to the next one. You owe me £20? I fucking don't owe you nothing. She keeps saying that and I fucking don't owe her nothing. So no one's coming then. No one's coming to this party tonight then.

That's it. No one's coming. Just you and me. Hello? Where's Eli gone? He was there a minute ago. Why has he left me a message? What's this? Hi, Paul.

Listen, mate, I can't make it. Really sorry. What? Can we just record this? I'll do the recording some other time Hello? Er, I just, something came up Okay? So look, we'll get together

We'll have a drink some other time I can't I can't do it I'm sorry Okay? Okay? Wait, what? Hello?

Am I on my own on Christmas? Hello? I'm on my own in this office space. Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Go in the room. Why am I going in the room? Because it's your fucking weird memory room.

Go in the room. No, I'm not going to go in the room. Paul, go in the fucking room. Go in the room. No, I'm not going to go in the room. Paul, go in the fucking room. I'm hearing voices in my head. And I've got my willy out. Shut up. Mother, give it touch touch. No, not mother.

I'm sorry. You have to step in here. Fucking do it properly. Eli's not here. Do the end properly. Eli's not in my... It's all in my head. Do the end properly, Paul.

I'm saying it explicitly. It's all been in my head this week on Cheap Show. This week's episode has all been in my It's all in my head I'm saying it explicitly It's all been in my head This week on Cheap Show This week's episode Has all been in my I'm literally explicitly Pointing out That the conceit has been

This week's Christmas Office party Has been in my head I'm going I'm going I'm going I'm going I'm going

I'm going I'm going I'm going I'm going I'm going I'm going I'm going I'm going

I'm going I'm going I'm going I'm going I'm going I'm going I'm going I'm going

I'm going I'm going I'm going I'm going I'm going I'm going I'm going I'm going

I'm going I'm going I'm going I'm going Merry Christmas Merry Christmas Merry Christmas Merry Christmas Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Paul, do the ending like we discussed. No one talking. No one talking. Rogan, does Rogan want to come in? I'm all on my own. Might as well now. I'm all on my own. I'm all on my own for Christmas.

I'm all on my own. I'm all on my own in an office, empty office. Merry Christmas, all on my own for Christmas. I'm all on my own. I'm all on my own in an office, empty office. Merry Christmas, all on my own. Merry Christmas. Yeah, again. Merry, merry Christmas. Perfectly good concept, but terrible acting. This is what it's like for me.

Am I hearing this? What is words? What is Christmas words? I'm making this drink. We'll see you next time on Cheap Show. Are you going to do it fucking straight up? No? I'm making this drink. We'll see you next time on Cheap Show. Are you going to do it fucking straight up? No, I'm not saying goodbye. I meant to listen to your message and then I'm saying

goodbye. Alright, okay. Listen to the message again. Listen to the message. Oh. What? Why would you go like fucking Scooby Doo? You can't fuck's sake. Just play it straight. Just go to her. What? Elo's not... what why what have i been who

i'm just sitting alone alone i'm just sitting alone all alone and the demon's laughing at me and the jabber chaps i'm not doing this i'm not doing this that's it you've had your fucking chance merry christmas merry christmas i'm i've had a it. You've had your fucking chance. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. I've had a mental breakdown. I've had a mental breakdown. Merry Christmas. See you next week. Bye.

Bye, everyone. Bye. Eli's not real. Bye. Bye.