CheapShow - Ep 366: Graxton's Gruft

Episode Date: January 12, 2024

It’s been a while, but CheapShow is ready to dive into the cheats, liars and conmen of the past. This week, Paul and Eli take a look into the life of journalist Louis T Stone, who spun many a tall tale and become notorious for his outrageous reports. However, they soon learn that when it comes to truth in journalism, the more things change, the more things stay the same. Once Mr Stone has been put away, it’s time for “Paul’s Pleasant Pastimes” and it’s one that should put their terrible mouth noise skills to good use. Will playing “Soundiculous” drive them mad? The odds are good! CheapShow this week is brought to you by the various fine chemical products from Graxton Industries. See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-366-graxton-s-gruft And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter/X @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid www.thecheapshow.co.uk Now on Threads: @cheapshowpod Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Cheap Show today is brought to you by Graxton Chemicals. Hello, Eli. How are you doing? What? I'm doing the bit where I'm the guy from the chemical factory. We're just being sponsored by them this week, Graxton Chemicals. No, I'm doing the bit. Are you? Yeah, he talked to me on the phone after the meeting.

So you're representative for Graxton. All right, we'll do it naturally then. Cheap Show has been brought to you today by graxton chemicals thank you very much for inviting me here to talk about the benefits of graxton chemicals oh yes it's the graxton chemical spokesman what's your name sir john john graxton john it's a business it's a family business family business a long tradition of family chemicals can i just start yeah by thanking you cheap show for having me on and this giving me this opportunity to talk about our great product line okay yeah and let me just ask you a question

to start okay yeah just ask me put this question out to me out to you do you have problems with groutage and and little pockets of... We do have a build-up of a lime scale on our bathtubs and our piping. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No? No. Okay. It's purely troughs, spoutage, groutage

and scrapers that we do. What about guttering? Oh, if you've got a load of scrunched up mulch in a gutter, we'd love to come and deal with that. And your chemicals can deal with buildup of sludge and gunk. We've got a new one. I'm very excited.

We haven't actually released it yet. It's called Gunk Spudder. And you get it off a chopstick. Just visually, so everyone knows what's going on at home. I'm just stroking my chin and shaking my head a little bit with that particular little bit of improvising. Shall we start the fucking cold open again, Paul? No, I'm enjoying it. I'm actually genuinely, my chin and shaking my head a little bit with that particular little bit of improvisation. Should we start the fucking cold open again, Paul? No, I'm enjoying it. I'm actually

genuinely, Eli, for the first time ever, I'm enjoying an improvisation we're doing. So come on, let's see it through. And I presume all your chemicals are eco-friendly. Absolutely. They will take the environment and kill every single thing on it. Right. Apart from

mucal membranes garbage you know what i can't do it anymore let's tap out there it was well done all the same it was a nice try i don't deserve that applause anyway cheap show today brought to you by graxton chemicals they'll kill everything everything yes hello paul i'm elight go to the credits now okay fine do it i gotta the thing is they need they wanted me to make sure I go into the credits saying, brought to you by Gregston. So contractually, I've got to say this, all right? Contractually?

Yeah, right. No, again, I'm going to stroke my chin, Eli, and shake my head. Big Newton that. Wayne Newton. Cheap show, brought to you by Gregston Chemicals. They kill everything. Everything. Just press everything. Everything. Just press the fucking...

You can't say that because now it's in the theme itself. And now I've got to do the intro again. Brought to you by Graxton Chemicals. Ah, bollocks. Yeah. Press the fucking credits. Press the fucking credits. Off, run, run, off, off, run, run, off.

Paul, Paul Gannon. Eli Silverman. Welcome to the Jeep Show. Sources and words and phrases. Two things I'm responsible for. Chodney? Chodney Borough. I hate you.

I've got to go to the usual coffee. Jeep show to the... It's the Price of Shite Welcome to Cheap Show Hello everybody, welcome to Cheap Show I'm Eli Silverman, that's Paul Gannon over there Hello, I'm over here sitting opposite Eli from across the room I've written some words in my book He's written some words in his book

Oh, by the way, Eli is in better fettle today. Slightly better, but you can still hear there's a slight... There's a little bit of a kind of Bonnie Tyler-ish kind of hangover to it. But you know what? Better than it was. And you're not hungover, are you? I'm not currently hungover, no. And, you know, your health is fine.

It hasn't been good over the Christmas period. No, but right now... I've had a really nasty bug. It's been going around. And a lot of people I've spoken to, Paul, have said it's been a really bad flu one this year. I don't know. You haven't had the flu?

No, I've just had basically runny tummy. Well, that's winter vomiting. No, no vomiting. Yeah, but it goes, it's bumhole vomit, isn't it? Anal vomit, as we heard. Yeah, for some reason before we were doing the episode, we were trying to figure out if an album we saw called Anal Chaos was a real thing.

It's a legit album from the 70s because it had a cover that looked like an easy listening sort of lounge band. But it seems it's more like a French punk rock band who do spoof album covers that are meant to look like classic albums from the past. Throbbing Gristle, who are famous sort of art rock inventors of industrial music, had some album with a jokey title like that, like the easy listening and, no, the jazz funk stylings of. In a word, a visual joke on album titling. Although, funnily enough, that album band title was very similar to what happened in my pants during that day in work. I would definitely say there was definitely a lot,

if not too much, you know, chaos. I don't know why you keep going back to this. I would definitely say there was definitely a lot, if not too much, anal chaos. I don't know why you keep going back to this. I don't have nothing to give anymore. Apart from the story about how you shat yourself. And you know what?

It nearly happened this week as well. Oh, really? You know what? The phrase touching cloth has never been so prescient in my mind. Now, Paul,

there's a little saying I've heard. It's just a big wet fart in the end. That my brother-in-law has said to me. Yeah. Never trust a fart after 50. Right, okay. And that's pretty self saying I've heard. It's just a big wet fart in the end. That my brother-in-law has said to me. Yeah. Never trust a fart after 50.

Right, okay. And that's pretty self-explanatory. I mean, we're getting there. You're nearly there. I know. I wasn't going to... Listen, every fart could be your last. Yeah.

I mean, not your final, but you know, like your last honest fart. Think about it. There will be some... Everyone does have a last fart before they die, don't they? They probably fart... I bet some people fart after they die. I simply have to interrupt now because we have a last fart before they die, don't they? They probably fart. I bet some people fart after they die. I simply have to interrupt now because we have a loose end. Remember in the Walkabout episode, you went,

uphold my sister, blah, blah, blah, on Instagram. Message something about a character. And you said, I'll fucking tell you the message. Yeah. What was that? Because people were asking about it. And I can't remember the context now. You really want to go here?

But it's been like three weeks or something where you promised to... No, we may as well bring it up because some people were asking on Twitter, what was that comment your sister made? I'm just going to Facebook Messenger, which my sister uses. Right. Anyway, sorry, why are you doing that? Welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast where Eli and I go for the charity bins, party poppers, and squeegee... Oh, I'm sorry.

Go for the party poppers, cheesy bins, and quack shot. A lot of bins are cheesy, so. I literally don't know what my brain did then. Cheesy bins. I literally can't remember the thing. I'd go up a cheesy bin. Welcome to the Bargain Bins charity shops and pound lands of Great Britain. I tasted a new blue cheese the other day.

Yeah. It was called Chaffney Mohandas. Just get on to your message. Chaffney Mohandas. Just get onto your message. Chaffney Blueveiner. Oh, a crunchy Chaffney Blueveiner. Chaffney Blueveiner. Right.

Anal chaos. Legal name for Precum John is Before Orgasm Jonathan. Laugh emoji. Regret bringing that up now. I knew you would. I thought there was going to be an astute point, mate.

But I mean, I guess I understand, yes. It just doesn't have a ring to it. Say it again. Just say it again. Now that I know what's coming, say it again. Legal name for pre-cum John is before orgasm Jonathan. I think it's the word before that ruins it. Orgasm Jonathan.

You can make round, but like, you can only use the word pre. Anyway. And then it doesn't really change it at all. You know what? Tell your sister to just step back. I countered with, yeah, but pre-come John died at the wedding massacre. Bring it back in. Yeah, folding it all in.

And she says true. So that was the end of the- So you just fucking shut your mouth. Don't you fucking step into our garden because you will not be allowed. Before orgasm Jonathan. Jesus Christ. What was the other one you had?

Shiny nublet. Gerald, could it be better? Pre-cum John. And what was the other one? Dribbly Bill or something. Leaky can. Leaky can. And granny sprinkles.

Secure piping Kenneth. Yeah. Little fill a bit Gerald. Shiny coin spoth Johnny Boy. You're doing your own thing. Right, anyway. Jensen Squirter. On this week's edition of the podcast,

why we're going to be doing a Paul's Pleasant Pastimes. It's not a Gannon's Golden Games. Why? Because I believe a Gannon's Golden Games should be something more renowned. Like it should be a Cluedo or it should be a classic NBA game. You see what I'm saying? This is just a pastime.

This is just a pastime. This is just a little bit of pocket fun. A pleasant pastime. A pleasant pastime. I hope that it's a particularly pleasant pastime, Paul. Well, actually, I hope it's a particularly pleasant pastime. I said that. I'm trying to think of a word for before particularly. Post particularly pleasant pastime, Paul. Perine that. I'm trying to think of a word for before particularly. Post particularly pleasant past time

Paul. Perineum. Please put your pee pee. No. Stop it. I'm going to stop that. Put your pee pee on my perineum. I'm going to stop you there. Give me a squirt on my perineum. I'm going to demand that you stop right now.

Squirt. I'm going to put my foot down. Squirt. Because no one finds it at all comforting I'm going to demand that you stop right now. I'm going to put my foot down. Squirter. Because no one finds it at all comforting to hear you just say squirter in a high-pitched voice. Although now that I say it, squirter in a high-pitched voice is quite funny. I'm okay. I'm okay, everyone.

And we're going to do a segment that we haven't done in a while. And because I've been trying to find the right story. You know, we do our dollop-like segments and we do a little bit of history with a strange character let me just explain the dollop is a very popular american history comedy podcast from america and also we had one of the hosts of that on our podcast before christmas gareth reynolds who i'm sure absolutely didn't regret doing the episode i don't think i don't think he did he was very nice and very lovely and i met him the next day

because he was doing a gig and he gave me a Jose badge. Oh, I want one of those. Yeah, well, I've got one and that's all that matters. I found a badge every one of the other day. It had a little angel on it and it said caring.

Oh, yeah. It was a terrible badge. You could see why it was abandoned. And I tried to look it up on the Ebays with the Google lens and I came up with only nothing. So we're going to be doing a little bit of a history story today with a a very interesting character it's only a short one

but i thought oh let's do that what are you doing i thought i'd written some funny words on a piece of paper and you can just make it up mate it doesn't really fucking matter just say three random words now was like lobster or something like that by, everyone, if you're a newer listener, taramata salata. Tarama salata. Tarama salata. Goodbye. See, that is such an in-joke. That even our... Is it?

Yeah. Because I don't get it. Let's set it up properly. Let's set it up. You know what? I went and had some Mediterranean food last night. Did you? Yeah.

I had a salad, though, I think, that disagreed with me and I puked the salad and when I flushed it, I said, tarama salata. Yeah, enough. I prefer a salad, though, I think, that disagreed with me, and I puked the salad. And when I flushed it, I said, Tarama, salata! Yeah, no, fuck it. I prefer my old one.

I'll play the... I know how... I can play the kebab shop owner. Is it... I went to a Turkish restaurant for something to eat. Come into the kebab... No, no. No, because it doesn't work.

Let me just get it out of the way, because now we've set it all up. Oh, I went to a Turkish restaurant to get something to eat and didn't feel great the next day. In fact, a falafel... Yeah next day. In fact, I feel awful. I feel awful. I feel awful. I feel awful.

I thought you were going to do the one. I went to the kebab shop the other day. I said, how much is that? They said 17 quid. I said, sheesh. Yeah, that's a good one. Anyway. Sheesh, everyone.

She actually wows us. No, this is not working for me. I don't know. This is the straightest material we've done in a while that didn't involve ejaculate. So I'm going with it. I just said pee-pee on the perineum. I think people take that as ejaculate.

No. If you said to me, like a man on the street, it would have to come out like a shotgun. If your piss came out like a shotgun, that would be ejaculate. It fucking does. But it doesn't.

Mine comes out as a sad trickle. It comes out like little grains of shot. Yes. In a big circle. It's called my spray zone. But it doesn't. Mine comes out as a sad trickle. It comes out like little grains of shot. Yes. In a big circle. It's called my spray zone. I call it the spray zone, Paul. So your shotgun, your penis is basically a shotgun

that fires out of dust. You have to load the chamber. I mean, yours is definitely a sawn-off shotgun, isn't it? Yeah. It's been cut at the tip for maximum damage. Yes. Let's end this now. It hasn't been cut at the tip, maximum damage. Yes. It hasn't been... No, please. Let's end this now.

It hasn't been cut at the tip, by the way, everyone. Just right down the middle. No, it hasn't. I don't know what that means. Tails from the dance floor with me, Eli Silverman. Let's squeeze a little

tails from the dance floor in. Go. I was DJing the night before... Oh, no, it was the other night. Oh Go. I was DJing the night before. No, it was the other night. This is great stuff. And a young lady came up to the booth, Paul. Yeah.

And she said, can you play Taylor Swift, please? Yeah, it's good, this. And I said, no. I'm just going to watch some YouTube while you're telling your story. Can you not, please? You sure?

Yeah. All right, then just do your story then. Go on. That's it. That's that one. I've got another one, though YouTube while you're telling your story. Can you not, please? You sure? Yeah. All right, then just do your story then. Go on. That's it. That's that one. I've got another one, though. Go on. Here we go.

Is this going to take long? Don't watch YouTube, please. I've just got this little video I want to watch at all. Put your phone down. Just tell your story. Can you just be present? This is your problem. You're eating into the time now.

This is your problem. You say this podcast is so important to you and everything, and you can't even be present with me in the room when i'm talking about my life fine things are important to me go on go on tell your story i see your phone in your hand there i'm not gonna i'm not gonna it's not going down it's just it's just staying here because i have a joke in mind and i want to get i want to get through it so here we go tell your story i was djing the other night don't don't put are you playing the blues thing did no no no no no no no i couldn't do that i've got something a bit more

on the nose a bit more i don't know what the as the french say obvious i was djing at the discount suit company and a lot of people came along and said to me come on i'm not gonna if you don't tell the story otherwise it's over tell your story i won't i you don't tell the story, otherwise it's over. Tell your story. I won't. Tell your story. No. Come on, now tell your story. Now tell us from the dance floor.

Get it out. Come on, Eli, tell your story, because once the timer's up, we're moving on. And we're not. We're moving on. This isn't funny. It's not, you're right. How can I tell my story when you're doing this?

A good storyteller could do it. I will not be put under this Boo Right, so This isn't fucking battle stories On with the show No You had your time Anyway, so people came up to me and said

Oh, it's really good What you're doing is really good Can't do any more of this, mate Really good DJ Can't do any more of this They said, Paul, just hang on Can't do any more of this segment anymore. Hang on. I've heard myself on so many episodes in the past

doing the same material. And they said, are two of these people the same story again? And it always is. It's not. This is a different story. This is my taramata. This is more of a discussion point. Tantana. Vis-a-vis the

craft of DJing. Right. So, and they say to me, oh, that's really good. Where can I find like a playlist online from you? Do you do one?

No. Do other people do one? They must. But what's the point of that? Because that's like, how does that help me as a performer, a DJ? Because you would just

have all the tunes then. If I give you the playlist, my playlist, oh, those are all those tunes that you played. Great, I've got them now and I don't need the DJ anymore. Do you know what I'm saying?

What's your opinion on that? That's my question. but who was the person who asked you? The someone who owns the venue? No, just a punter who has really enjoyed the music.

Well, then I guess it doesn't really matter because all they want to do is go, oh, I like your music. I want to investigate those songs you played.

I'll go through them online on Spotify and discover them for myself. Yes, but how does that help me how does that help my career but it doesn't

not help you the thing is they probably don't go out very often to the Blues Kitchen in general it's not the

Blues Kitchen this is the Discount Suit Company I'm just using it as an example right so therefore the person who goes

they never say that in the Blues Kitchen no no no they go where's Greenwood Mac this is because the Discount Suit Company

is much more of an intimate venue and I play a lot more of what I want because I'm not trying to keep everyone in the venue. This also proves my point because that person who goes to the Discount Suit Company probably doesn't go out a lot or probably doesn't go there a lot. So when they heard that music from you, it was kind of like, oh, I don't hear this, whatever this is. Yes, I know. I take the compliment and it's nice that I'm opening people's ears. But it just seems funny to me that then after that interaction where i go here's my playlist on spotify yeah they

just have all that music but then they just have access to that whole thing so my crafting creating finding and then um playing it is completely gone it's all i'm saying but they'll still go to another night you know what i mean it's like it's not affecting your business model this is what i'm trying to say it's a weird thing and it's something that djs never had to deal with and djs of course it would discuss before would be much more protective it would of the records they had when those you couldn't get those records no no that's fine they'd scrub out the titles and so forth you know so people couldn't find out what they were but but now we're on the opposite complete opposite where i just go here's i literally say here's the digital contents of my whole crate

yeah well no you can have it do you know what i mean you've got my whole collection i don't think they're saying can you create a play oh no are they saying do you create like a music playlist yeah that's what i'm saying i thought they were just like a list of the titles like where you just write down no because you because with these apps you you can play the playlist on spotify if you've got it okay i share that's what they mean. That's how the way it's done. I see what you're saying. I still don't think it matters because it's a completely different, I don't know what's the word,

that business and your DJ work is like poles apart in terms of people's engagement in music. You're there in the live moment. I know. For people who randomly go to those pubs or venues at night. I know, I just thought it was interesting that doing the same thing, playing records in a bar, essentially, has changed from something where you'd be protective of giving away the records you had

to where you just share it completely with the first person who asks. I see what you mean, yeah. But I guess that all depends on how rare that track is, because it might not be on Spotify. I just don't do that. It's a live vinyl set that I do, you know. Yeah, I mean, I ultimately don't care. Right, let's move on let's move on thank you for giving me that moment to uh express that did it did it did it boo but it's time it is time paul's page turners yes uh and it's a bit of a dollopy the knockoff thing

like we've done in the past like you know we did the collier The Collier's Mansion. We did John Murgat's Maggot. Yeah, all those kind of ones. I thought we'd do a little one here because it's a while ago. And I think we've used this book before because I've got two of them. One's called, like, The World's Greatest Millionaires or Losers or something like that. And this one is The World's Greatest Crooks and Conmen and Other Mischievous Malfactors.

Millionaires and, you mean, and misers? Either way, something like that, yeah. So this book is full of hoaxers, swindlers, charlatans, scallywags, scoundrels, scams, thieves, liars, cheats, rascals, fiddlers, frauds, robbers, rogues, adventurers, forgers and other mischief makers. And published by Octopus. Who I've never heard of.

And in print now, I remember seeing these books in the 80s in WH Smith in Brent Cross. Yeah. They've got a very... It's a hardback. I like that. But they've got a very distinctive graphic design style on the cover, don't they? Yeah. It's just all lettering, but it is with the red title above the black...

Yeah. Fine detail. So Nigel Blundell is the guy who put this together he is a fleet street journalist who has circled the world collecting many of the bizarre stories presented in this book because this was before you could just go on the internet and go to wikipedia and type in a name and go oh someone's on the hard work for me yeah but i bet he was like you know pints on fleet street after one o'clock in the afternoon sort of well this is why because i've gone i think we've picked a story from one of these books before because some of these are

really long kind of breakdowns of like for instance in this they talk about um you know um eva perron evita that whole character and her history and then there's one or two i was going to some are big stories big sort of yeah and some of these are also really interesting stories but then i realized oh shit the dollop did this like some of them they actually did yeah the american ones yeah there's one in here called the witch of wall street about this woman who is famously very very rich but also very very miserly i remember that dollop and that's a good dollop so it's like why would we do that story i found a short one it's only a short one it's like a page page in a bit but it does lead on to something i found on the internet which is very interesting and this is about a guy called Louis T. Stone.

Have you ever heard of him? I have not heard that name, Paul. In America, he's got a bit of a reputation. I'm just going to go ahead and read this part of the book. And Eli, please chip in with thoughts as and when they come to you. Okay. Hopefully humorous ones that will enliven this potentially stuffy moment. Alright, so I need you

to put your big comedy boots on and your big comedy hat. Listen, I said that P.P. Perineum. Some of your best work. Although there's all these little box-outs as well throughout the book

where I might pick one or two out of these. Like swashbuckling screen actor Douglas Fairbanks, senior. Notorious womaniser. And a great boozer.

And boozer, yeah. And it says here a great hoaxer. Which means he sounds like a cunt. Doesn't he? If someone described as a boozer here, a great hoaxer, which means he sounds like a cunt, doesn't he? If someone described him as a boozer, a womanizer, a hoaxer, he'd just think, prick. Yes. He had a special chair, electrically wired to give mild electric shocks to anyone who sat in it.

But he came unstuck once when a female fan sat in the chair. He applied the current, but she showed no reaction. When he asked if she was feeling alright, she explained, I thought one always felt like this when meeting a wonderful movie star like you, Mr. Fairbanks. When I'm around

famous people, I get a massive electric shock in my fanny. Perhaps she just never had and she thought that's what happens. Lightning fanny. Yeah, she's like, sit down, my dear. Oh, that must be your... Oh!

It's your charisma. Yeah. Creeping up in a jolt up my delicate lady area. I'd like you to use the scientific terms. I mean, you say delicate, but hers sounds a bit numb. Perhaps it's numb from years of electrical fanny abuse. Maybe her whole house is just wide of electrical chairs by happenstance maybe she's got a fried omelette of a family fuck me right we're gonna move on to the actual omelette anyone here we go mr silverman

sorry this one i'm just gonna read it verbatim Who will buy a tall story? This is the guy Sorry, who? Louis T. Stone T. Stone as in stone made of tea? No, his middle name is The Louis the Stone That's his name Hey everybody, I'm Louis the Stone

I'm going to get down baby and show me your arm I'm going to rap to the middle in the morning and night I'm Louis T. Stone, I'm feeling alright I'm Johnny the Rock and I'm hard as hell and I'm coming out round to your hotel and I'm going to take my dick out and spread it on the wall. I'm Spunky Rocky Orn.

Hello, everybody. I'm Bobby Pebble. I like putting my dick in a... Oh, you've got yourself in a little corner there. Gerbil. Yeah. I fuck gerbils. I fuck gerbils. One. I fuck gerbils.

I fuck gerbils. One, two, three, four, five. Right. Christ. So anyway, we haven't even got started. So what's his middle name? We don't know. It's the initial T.

Is that what you're saying? There's another webpage I can go to right now. I mean, it's not an important... You have to know. I think it might be Theodore. Timothy. That's a good one. Timothy.

Timothy. Middle. Oh, What have we done? He's singing the song Bye. I can't remember. He's the guy who did... Do we need to get on to this story? No, but quickly, he's the guy who did... Oh, the guy who wrote Titi... Pina Colada song. Pina Colada song.

Yeah. Rupert Holmes. Rupert Holmes. Thank you. He wrote a band. A song called Timothy. About cannibalism. In a mining disaster. Yes. Thank you, everybody. Backupert Holmes. Rupert Holmes. Thank you. He wrote a song called Timothy. About cannibalism. In a mining disaster. Yes. Thank you, everybody. Back to the show.

Right. So, do you know those one, two paragraph items in the front of newspapers are known as fillers in the trade? Those little box outs, similar to what he's done in his own book, right? Those small little stories. Oh, in a little. Yeah. They call them fillers, right? And you get them in magazines as well, where you get a sort of salacious quote but also are those the same thing

no well no not really these are like the stories they use to fill out a page the short stories like man finds box in alleyway with wigs in and they go oh no tell me more about that he found the box with wigs in yeah but what was the smell of They're all disco wigs and they smell very musty. Yeah. Some may say spunk stain. Spunk, right? Is that what you want? Yeah. Christ.

I want spunk stain. I want spunk stain. Can we know, over the years, they have become something of an art form to journalists versed in the craft

of cliche, brevity, and deadpan humour. Often, to serve these overriding interests, strict truth has come off second best.

So what they're saying is at a certain point, it didn't fucking matter what you put on those as long as they filled out a newspaper page. And the rest of the paper as well. I mean, funnily enough, you look at the dollop knockoff, spin-off they do, Past Times. It's all about basically those kind of small stories, aren't it?

Yes. The most famous, most imaginative, and certainly the most audacious of these filler writers was a guy called Louis Timothy Stone from Winstead connecticut his career started in 1895 up until his death in 1933 and his whole job consisted of being a paid liar that's it he just made stuff up yeah well i mean we'll get into it now i guess a little bit more um it all began when he was working as a young cub reporter and needed $150.

We don't know why. Maybe he just wanted money. I don't know what a cub reporter is. I don't think you need to explain someone needing money, Paul, as part of a story. I mean, everyone's with that. We all live in this world. We all know.

We all understand a need for money. I know. Even the rich people probably understand it. They don't understand it in their hearts, do they? Money! Money, money, money, money. Name the group. Money.

Name the group. No. And the record label. No. It's the OJs on the Sound of Philadelphia, everybody. Congratulations. I hope that gets you a job. Right, next one.

I don't know why I'm saying next one. I'm just reading the story. The OJs, everybody. What he actually needed was a story he could sell to a big city paper. Since there wasn't a story, he decided to invent one. He filled out an account of a wild man of Connecticut who roamed through the forests without ever being caught. The story attracted the attention of the New York editors, but was quickly spotted as a hoax. Stone, however, had learned a lesson that was to serve him well for the next 38 years. So he built this whole thing about a man who lived in the woods in Connecticut,

and there was a myth that built around them. Before they could spot the hoax, it was already out of the bag. But how did they, I wonder? I mean, they probably went, well, this story stinks of made-up shit

for whatever reason. But then it had already taken hold. Yeah, but that's that whole thing about... The public imagination. Yeah, that's that whole thing, isn't it?

A lie gets around the world before the truth gets its shoes on. Yeah. It's that whole thing. Or its pants. Or its pants. But what if the truth

is like looking around and it's like he's done the sniff test on all the possible um pants you know and then it can't and it's like this one's a bit pissy this one's sorry i kind of had to tune out then for a minute and i came back in for you talking about pissy pants and i was trying to figure out how the truth's got dirty underwear i think i mean that works on so many levels this other website here says that the New York Times stories sent journalists out to Connecticut to confirm the story. Oh, and they found nothing. And they printed it.

Well, we need to back this up. Oh, it's all made up. Ah, bollocks. And he was on to the next story. I mean, you can understand, though, it's quite good because I'd go for a wild man story any day. And also, think about it, right? If he's an elusive wild man who not many people see,

it's easier to give yourself a time bubble to kind of realise the lie isn't there. It's a clever first lie from our Timothy Stone character. Yeah, because he could have gone all out, couldn't he? He goes, oh, I saw a giant elephant with a clown sight in the woods. Yeah, no, you didn't. No one's... No, no, no.

Maybe he did try a few, but then you'd run out of papers. They'd see you coming. Or maybe some guy walks in right after Louis T. Stoner and went I've got this amazing story I saw this elephant that he'd really seen

but at this point he was like mate we're not having it I know probably a lot of amazing things have been ignored by sceptical yes

newspaper men I have seen with my own eyes a man in town name of Samuel who has such trouble with flies butting around his bald head that he decided to paint a spider up there

and that sure did scare all them doggone flies away. This is like a cartoon. That's another story he filed. That is so cartoony. With a spider on his head. Who drew a scare spider on his head for the flies. Yeah. He's going to paint an angry face

and stand in a field and scare the crows off. I don't quite see how you'd buy that. I could do it on my knob. Wow. Do you have a lot of flies around your knob? No, I could do like

a little air freshener. What, like a pine? And then it would scare the smells away. A dangling one? Well, then this isn't you making something up. This is you actually

hanging a room freshener around your penis. No, I wouldn't even put a real room freshener down there. Why not? Get a rash or something. From the chemicals. No. They're Gra have a real room freshener down there. Why not? Get a rash or something. From the chemicals.

No. They're Graxton chemicals, mate. It's the best chemicals in the world. The air fresheners are eco-friendly. Have they got air fresheners for a man's private area?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's called Gruft. Ah, Gruft. I've seen that in the shops. Have you seen Gruft? Yeah. It's manly, it's musky. I like their tagline.

What? You won't smell rough if you shove up a Gruft. It's a bit on the nose gruffed i like that word it's a good word very good well done me uh right we're still here everybody we're still here his next story was in the next small holding to me is a farmer who has a wonderful chicken who had laid a red, white, and blue egg on July 4th. It's always the fucking hen who laid the golden egg, isn't it? It's always a magic fucking chicken.

There's so many stories about that. Because back then, this is what, late 1800s. So there's still a lot of, I'm not going to say ill-education, but people would maybe buy it more back then because there was still a sense of the fantasy and magic to stuff still there was still myth and folklore there's a lot more um things that hadn't been covered by science but even i'm at that point where maybe he got to that was like let's see if they fucking buy this one like how close to the edge is he trying to push these stories i mean you

still get people believing similar things today like you know jesus, Jesus in the piece of toast. Oof, oof, oof. I beg your pardon. My Lord and Saviour. Do you know what I mean? He existed, my Lord and Saviour. It's a similar sort of thing,

isn't it? Right. Are we going to get through this? Yeah, we've only got a little bit to go. I apologise about my voice, everyone. I'm still recovering.

Here's his next story. I guess these have all written from his point of view. So it's like he said out and about on the town today i saw it's like messages from him almost he's the roving reporter yeah so to be fair though this wasn't out of um it was uncommon because i'm not sure on the timeline but 14 you know the 14 times came from a guy called something fought and he collected strange stories from around the world of unusual things i used to love that became like ripley's ripley's was a strand of that kind of same history what you remember when we were kids there was that series and you got the folder the

unexplained yeah i loved all that all right did you ever have any of those yeah i had some of those didn't collect them all but i had a few i know i never got the folder i had i remember that very famous um yeti you know the one where it walks and turns around. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. The person in the suit. But they were great because you used to tear the pages off and you could put them in a ring binder, so it became like a portfolio.

That's when the file effects was kicking off. It was all bullshit. Anyway, I mean, a lot of it was bullshit, wasn't it? His next story. But even back in the 80s, my point is, even back in the 80s, there was a lot more of that, a lot more credulity for that sort of thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You could get away with it more because no one had seen it to counter your story. And it relates as well to the famous Osborne books of the ghosts and the... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They had a UFO one and all of that stuff. Yeah, monsters and mythical creatures and all sorts. Yeah, I've got that book.

I hate that duck. I don't know what I'm doing. I hate that duck. Here's his what I'm doing I hate that duck Here's his next story We have a cow That is so modest She only allows women To milk her

And another cow Down Winstead Produces burning hot milk Having been grazed On a horseradish patch Oh that's good I like it Sympathetic magic

It's like Because horseradish is hot It's going to make The cow's milk hot I just think It's pushing it to say I can horseradish is hot It's going to make the cow's milk hot I just think it's pushing it to say I can milk a hot cow Or hot milk from a cow No I could do it

I could say like Look It's at least body temperature Put it that way Do you need a fire starting over there? Yeah Because I had lots of hot sauce And I can piss fire now

Right But it's not cow piss is it? You don't have milk do you? You don't have a natural milk I have milk That's not milk Milk milk That's not milk That's not milk What Milk, milk. That's not milk.

That's not milk. What is milk, milk then? It's not. Men can produce milk from there. It's not milk, milk. With you, it's puss, puss, more puss, background puss, background puss. Background puss.

Puss all the way around. Oh, thanks, mate. Next story. Oh, no, I had more to say on the... Go on. What was it? Eating horseradish. But what was the first one?

Only a lady's allowed to milk back so this is kind of this is kind of that's a farmer in a cow suit moo no not should we get farmer Giles

no what about there's a special cow very shy only wants women it's only got one teeth it's only got one big teeth unfortunately

it's got a funny a pelt as well it's a very clothy pelt it's got you know yeah it's kind of like it's got a funny a pelt as well it's very clothy pelt it's got you know and yeah it's kind of like it's like a dangly it's more cloth like and um yeah and you're not gonna need a bucket you can just just use your mouth use your fucking mouth love no but on a serious point paul it does sound uh misogynistic, that. Because it's like saying that female women should be ashamed of their sort of breasts. You know what I mean?

I don't know. I think you'll read too much into that. No, it's a background misogyny in the society that allowed him to say that story. Next one. Saying cows should be ashamed of their teats is what he's saying, isn't he? No. Next one. I like a wanky. Let's talk about saying. Isn't he? No. Next one. I like a wanky.

Let's talk about the guy dressed up. Shut up. Next one. I have heard and seen a cat with a hair lip that could whistle Yankee Doodle. He's not even fucking trying. No, that is not even trying. He's literally walking down the street,

he sees a mouse. Oh, I saw a mouse who could do Othello or something. I watched that mouse put a jigsaw together. Next one. Oh, there was an octopus. It fucking played Beethoven's Fifth on a Casio. Oh, here's one of the chicken farmers near me always plucks his chickens humanely with a vacuum cleaner.

That could be true. You could believe that. That could be totally true. That's totally... I bet that's happened. Yeah, I bet vacuums back then were still a kind of mystery new item. vacuum cleaner. That could be true. You could believe that. That could be totally true. That's totally... Vacuumed still. I bet that's happened. Yeah, I bet vacuums back then were still a kind of

mystery new item, you know? But why do all of his made-up stories involve animals? Almost all of them. Because he's a sex pervert, maybe. Yes, he is, isn't he?

He sits there, one-hand typing, one-hand stroking. He's sitting there thinking, God, cows, I bet they enjoy it when they get milked. I bet they do.

Fucking have some shame. That fucking cow should have some shame! No men should be allowed to touch those cows' tits! Anyway, these are all stories written by Stone and published as true, but editors just couldn't get enough of them. They must have just gone,

we don't give a fuck, people love reading them. Where's your journalistic fucking integrity? People go, oh, the internet, blah blah blah, news and truth, and it's like, no, it goes back. Of course. Those click-baity articles that you click on where you won't believe this happened to that, you know, or you won't believe where this story ends.

Yeah, of course. It's all the same shit. It's eyes on the paper. They know people will buy it. They'll read it. They won't believe it. And it's a bit of fun outside of all the usual dark shit they have to read. But it's like those women's mags that they have now yeah they seem to be much more on the negative

side of life that just leans into the trauma soap opera disaster tragedy porn thing that it's strange to sell your tragic story for a magazine costing 65p certainly the people of winstead appreciated stone's efforts as visitors drove into town, Billboard greeted them with this sign. Winstead, Connecticut, founded in 1779, has been put on the map by the ingenious and queer stories that emanate from this town and which are printed all over the country thanks to L.T. Stone. So it's like an open secret that it wasn't true, really.

They still loved him, sort of. Stone was also commemorated by a bridge named in his honour and it spans a stream called Suckerbrook. Suckerbrook. Suckerbrook. Sucker as in... Mark Suckerbrook. No, as in...

As the owner of... As in the one teated cow. Suckerbrook. I bet there was a guy coming into their town going, where's that stone fella? Where's that cow? Oh, Turner. They like it really.

They want a man. They want a man really. I mean, well, there's a guy under a tent. No, let him. Let him. Listen, you're not going to... If you've gone to the effort of pretending you're a cow to be milked, you're not going to worry about the gender of the person.

A hand is a hand is a hand is a hand is a hand. And there's a list here of all the others on this website, which is hoaxes.org. They talk about this guy. Similar coverage to the book, to be fair, but they list a few more stories, such as a tree that grew baked apples. See, that's kind of like a fairy tale, isn't it?

It's verging into pure sort of childhood fantasy. It's still folklore. A money tree or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a man who caught a fish with his red nose as bait, a river that ran uphill, a cow that was locked in an ice house.

Another cow. And produced ice cream for two weeks afterwards. Cold. Imagine how hard and cold their teeth would be. It would come out like soft serve, wouldn't it?

Like your poo does. A cow that was shaken by a garage exploder and she would only produce butter. A cow that was shaken by a garage exploder and she would only produce butter. Yeah, that's so... He's obsessed with cows. With dairy. A maternal bulldog that sat on eggs abandoned by a hen.

But again, it's... I've seen that on YouTube and stuff. Paul, it relates though, doesn't it? Because you remember in the witch trials in Salem, they'd say a sign that someone was a witch is that if your cow started to produce sour milk. Isn't that so similar? It's all of these sort of folkloric magic things

that are coming through, you know? But it's an open secret that it's all bullshit, so they're just enjoying the fantasy of it, I guess. Yeah, but I'm saying that's more sinister because in the witch trials, people would believe that shit and people would be executed, wouldn't they? All right, here's a good one. A thirsty frog who knocked over a jug of apple jack,

removed its cork, drank its contents, and then started singing Sweet Adeline. Hello, my darling. Hello, my baby. Hello, my ragtime gal. All of these stories are so American folkloric, aren't they? One last story, then. A farmer who lost his watch and found it seven years later

in the stomach of one of his cows after he had killed it. The watch had been running and kept time perfectly because the cow's stomach's muscles had kept it wound, though it was a minute and a half slow. It wasn't the strongest one to end on, Paul,

because I can't say anything about fucking... Oh, sorry, let me read another one then. There was a few more stories. Here's one. A man who pretended to be a clock and only why have we

moved away from the livestock towards timepieces and then on the hour his penis would pop out with a woodpecker on and go

cuckoo slightly better I made that one up I am Louis T Stone very much in the spirit so that's that book I was walking down

the street the other day I saw a dog vomit and I slipped in it nutted the street the other day. I saw a dog vomit and I slipped in it. Nutted the dog and he went, Rrrr! Rrrr! And I went,

Rrrr! Once again, I'm going to stroke my chin and shake my head at the comedy suggestion put forward by Eli J. Silverman. I'm going to end this segment. So did you enjoy that, Mr. Silverman? I did actually, Paul. Yes, thank you.

Louis T. Stone, our hero of the week. We should return to that book at another time because there's more stories. I like it. Hello my lovers welcome to Paul's Pleasant Pastimes where we have a lovely

calming relaxing and enjoyable game of whatever Paul finds in his pastime pantry. Oh have you been into your pantry Paul?

Let me ask him for you. Paul have you been in your pastime pantry. Oh, have you been into your pantry, Paul? Let me ask him for you. Paul, have you been in your pastime pantry? Yes. Okay, you can leave now. Thank you. Now, will you be paying me in Graxton Chemical Thronk? Thronk has been discontinued because of that incident. But I think he's left a whole bottle of spodge hole cleaner.

I'd really like to trace some of that gruft. Ah, gruft. Mate, listen. Wait, what? No. What's he doing? Hold on. He's getting his willy out.

No, not my willy. I've got this gruft pack. It's only half done. Oh, yeah. Just shake off the dew and it'll be fine. Just give it an air in. You know what? I'll just go.

I think you should have before we did this bit. I should have left before you got got my graft out it's very like a poultice Graxton poultices yeah now that's a sponsorship I can get behind thwop it up

spam bam bam spam bam thank you ma'am right hello it is Paul's Pleasant Pastimes and this was a game

I got given to me over Christmas and I thought oh what fun because it's built for audio podcast play. It is a sound-based game. This is what perked my ears up, Paul. By a company called Game Leap.

Prick up my ears, I did. Now, it does say you need three players plus. But that's because it's one of these things where many people need to vote and blah, blah, blah. And then the first one to chip in. Are we going to play a sort of pared-down version of the game to make it good? We'll just go back and forth trying to guess. Yeah, and I think

we should give ourselves a time limit so if you can't guess in like 15 seconds then you lose or you don't get a point but you have to make an effort to try and do the sound.

Well, so who... Oh, points. Points. But no, who... Is it because we don't have a third person in our podcast? We could just ask Rogan.

No. He probably didn't hear that. But almost perfectly timed next door. He was blowing his nose. Biggest blow nose ever. He blows his nose a lot. I hope he's using Graxon tissues. Yeah, with the scent of graft on them.

The balm that causes harm. Right, so this is called Sound Delicious. The aim of Sound Delicious is simple. Get the most points by making and guessing ridiculous sounds. Sounds from nice and easy, like monkey, train, eating, through medium, like didgeridoo, rollercoaster, electric shock, to the truly challengingly hard wrestling, scuba diving, or woodpecker. This family-friendly game takes two minutes to learn and blah blah blah and we haven't got enough plays so we're going to do a weird version of it. So Paul I don't think the person guessing should be the one awarded the point or not

it should be the one doing the sound right? So if I can get it. I don't think we should just do points I don't think there's much points I think we just try and do sounds for a laugh. Let's just do sounds for a laugh. Sounds for a laugh. But you have to try and guess what sound it is. I'm going to still try. Give me one of those.

Basically, all the game is, is cards. Yeah. They're in three categories. So you have eat hard. Eat hard. I am, yeah. Eat hard. When you read a porno.

That's what they fucking call me. We've got a stack of hard. Down the shop. Eat hard. They call me Mr. Eat hard. They know what's good for them. We have a stack. I get very angry. Shut up. They. They call me Mr. E-hard. They know what's good for them. I get very angry. Shut up!

They don't call me Mr. I'm like, they don't call me Mr. E-hard for nothing. No one calls you anything. Ever. Other than an annoyance. So you've got a hard, easy and medium so shall we go up the scale? Do one of each each. Yeah. Alright. So I'm just going to start

with easy. Alright, I'm gone. So each card has two options on. You can do either. Okay. So easy two options. Pick I'm just going to start with easy. All right, I'm gone. So each card has two options on. You can do either. Okay. So easy, two options. Pick which one you want to do. All right. Medium, hard.

So we're going to start with easy. I'm just going to shuffle these, and I'm just going to split the pack and take one from the middle. This is our Don Winslow moment. Not Don. Is he called Don? Michael Winslow.

Why did I say Don? Because that's that guy. Don Winslow, I don't know. He's an author. Is he? Yeah. Oh, well, there we go. He wrote Savages. No, I don't know. He's an author. Is he? Yeah. Oh, well, there we go. He wrote Savages.

No, I don't want any follow-up information. I want a Verstone film, Savages. Right, I'm splitting the pack and I'm taking this card. Who's that woman who's married to...

I am not... I don't care. Michael Douglas. Focus. Michael Douglas is married to Catherine Zeta-Jones. Thank you. She was in Savages.

Thank you. The novel was... Mike Winslow. Right. Don Winslow. Who's the Winslow we The novel was Mike Winslow. Don Winslow. Who's the Winslow we're talking about? Mike. Michael.

Michael Winslow. No, I don't want to talk about any of them. Michael Winslow's the voice magic guy, though, yeah? The sound guy. So that relates. From Police Academy. If you have to. Or, you know, he's briefly in Spaceballs, if you want another movie reference.

Was he in Spaceballs doing a voice? Is that bit in the film where he goes, what's wrong with the radar? It usually goes, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I love it. Blip. But it's only going, blah, blah, blah.

It's that. People hating on Spaceballs. Spaceballs is a film that lives better in the memory than it is when you rewatch it. It's got high points, but it's not his final best. It's not top tier.

It's middle tier. What's he called? Mel Brooks. Are you having a moment? Winslow's and Brooks all the way down. I am having a moment. I've got two options here.

I'm going to try the one. Why does it say east on that? Easy. Easy. So I'm going to do one of these off this. And here we go. Now, the game also says you can't do hand gesticulations or say words. So from this point on, it's only sounds.

And I'll be watching his hands like a hawk. I'm going to sit on my hands. Good idea. If you say cue, then I'll do the his hands like a hawk I'm going to sit on my hands Good idea If you say cue Then I'll do the sound That could also work for later Goat seat Is that what it's

No When you pull your arse cheeks apart So you can see your big wide bum hole Goat seat No I'm saying you're sitting on your hands So your hands are going numb I could just ask you I won't do it

I will not be doing that I'd have to be dead You could chop my arm off Basically That's worked I'll griff this I will not be doing that. Oh. I'd have to be dead. You could chop my arm off. Ooh. Basically. That's worked. I'll griff this.

That's worked for me. That gives me a little bit of that little mole coming out after the rainy day. A little nub chub. Yeah. Just picking its little wet nose out. You're doing your miming now, so that wouldn't work.

I want the noise. I'm not doing any more. I want the noise of you becoming slightly erect. No, I'm going to do the sound now. What's the sound of you becoming slightly erect? You don't have a whistle. Alright, okay, okay.

Yeah, I like it. Oh, you dirty, dirty boy. Right, Eli. Yes, I'm ready for my first sound. But you need to cue me so I can't talk myself into the thing. So when you say cue, then I do the sound. Cue. Well, I'm confused by that weird froggy noise at the end.

But was it a whip? Oh, it's like a samurai chopping someone up. It's a fight. Someone having a fight. Someone very fast having a fight and keeps walking around, running back and forth. And then there's like a... On the table, there's a big... There's a big pile of like horse horse manure

oh I give up that's been more than 30 seconds you're not very good at this are you it was karate it was the sound of karate

you should have said ah no because then I don't want to end up falling into oh we did a racist thing wow it's hard isn't it well yeah

but that's about a different thing altogether right I'm going to hand you the pack shuffle split grab a card

any card you like and then pick one of those two sound effects to make I know you're trying not to be racist there But I think you could have put a little bit more in All I'm saying is there was a danger there I knew it was a fight, didn't I? But there's nothing to make it sort of I know, but that's why I tried to throw it

Kind of Of people being hit But look, you should have just gone Hi-ya I know, but that's not that bad Hi-ya But it leans on a stereotype It totally does And I also think it counts as leans on a stereotype, I think. It totally does.

And I also think it counts as me saying a word. Oh, I see. But you failed. I mean, you failed. Well, you also failed because you didn't get it. One of these? What split? What do I do?

Well, just shuffle, split, and then take the card from the middle and then just... You don't have to do that. You're making it complicated. Upside down. Take the card. We've got two more of these to do

and I'm already fucked off. I've got a card. This will liven you up. Go on. Pick one of those two then. Ready? And I'll say cue when it's time for me to do your sound. And sit on your hands.

You have to sit on your hands too. Cue. Doing a big poo when you've got piles. Do you want to hear it again? Yeah. Ah! Boo, boo, boo, boo. Okay, listen to the whole story of it again. Yeah, I think it's like someone's pulling something,

and then it gives, and then something tumbles. Yeah. So, a tug of war. No, listen to it one more time, okay? Yeah. Having a heart attack. No, weightlifting. Having a stroke

Weightlifting Oh yeah Now that you've said it I can see the plate You need to think laterally my friend I thought I thought Pretty laterally Well you didn't explore

What that You got all of the dynamics there Yeah The story But you never put it together Did you Yeah but your mouth Didn't paint a very good picture

Did it It was fucking fine It was fucking fine I like this game Mine was fine I love this game Mine was fine too I love playing this Let's move on to medium come on more i'm gonna do one medium medium now right medium neither of us managed the easy so this doesn't bode well i know right medium here's my card i've also lost

my voice a bit so all right i'm gonna try the left hand side one Sitting on my hands, and I'll wait for the cue. Cue. Splish. Splish. Eee. Eee. Splish. Splish. Eee. Eee.

Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee.

Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee.

Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee.

Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee.

Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee.

Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee.

Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee.

Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee.

Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee.

Eee. Eee. at me and a point for real. I'm not doing points. Right. Your go is the pack. That was easier than the easy one. I know, yeah. I thought karate was kind of obtuse. No, it's because

you didn't go high R. If you'd gone one high R. I think that would have counted as a word. I think that might have been considered. I wouldn't have. Yeah, because you would

have gotten it right therefore you would have felt better about yourself. That's the only reason why you want to make it easier. Again, it's the noise maker who is the... Here comes the noise maker.

Murderer. Right, go on. He's a Here comes the noise maker. Murderer. Right, go on. He's a dirty arse chuffler. Excuse me, Mr Officer. I've done a whole big shit. Gruft. When you've shat yourself. No, gruft is the... It's Willysmells.

It's Braxton's Industries. Willysmells. It's a Willysmell neutraliser. Right, please pick a card I've got one Right go for it And then sit on your hands and I will say cue

Alright ready Why are you looking at me like that Because this is going to be terrible Alright well then sit on your hands Are you ready

When you're ready sit on your hands Right okay And cue Ah Ah Ah Ah

Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Q. Is it a vampire? Yes! Is it? All right, no.

Because I was thinking, are you drinking blood? Yeah, I was. A glug, glug, glug. Yeah. Oh, see? See? Talent. Talent, mate.

Talent. Well done, Eli. I heard what sounded like a man having a hard shit. And I thought, no, wait, the glug, glug, glug. You got a gestalt of vampire from the noises I was making. I mean, I would have maybe done something a bit more kind of... I was going to do some hisses, yeah. But I actually tried a little transforming into a bat and fluttering away. Did you?

Yeah, I got a little bit. I think that was the closer. That was the sound closer. So well done, Eli. Right. That's my little bat. Have you heard my joke about a bat? Two bats hanging from a belfry, right?

And they're both hungry. And one goes, you know what? I'm going to go out and get something to eat because I'm fucking starving. I need some lovely blood. Oh, I can't wait. Oh, they're blood sucking bats, are they? Yeah, they're blood sucking.

They're vampire bats, mate. And they're hanging upside down. And so the bat goes, all right, mate. I'll stay here for a bit. First bat flies out. I know this one. He's gone five minutes and he comes back.

Oh, and there's all blood running down his mouth. It's all over the place. And the second bat goes, oh, oh, that blood. Where'd you go? And the first bat goes, right, well,

you see that big bell tower over there? Yeah, he goes, I didn't. Na-na-na-na-na-na. Bop-bop-bong-bong. Gruft. Whose joke is that? Sorry, I might have read it. I mightna-na-na-na. Bop-bop-bong-bong. Gruft. Whose joke is that? Sorry, I might have read it.

I might have heard it on the telly. All I know is right now, it's mine. Okay, well done. We're going on to hard. This is the final round. We're getting hard. Well, we both achieved

our goal at medium. You did dolphin and I did a vampire. Right, next card, hard. Pick one. Much of a muchness, this. Okay. Pick one. Okay. Much of a muchness this. Okay. Okay. Much of a muchness but I'll go with the right hand side option here. Okay sit on your hands as is the procedure. Here we go. And cue.

I'm getting a bird-like sound. Oh, chips. Now, that's a word, Paul, so you've been disqualified. I just have a sound. Seagull is the answer. Yes, it's the answer. You cheated. It wasn't a word. It was a very vocal.

You said chips. You vocally said chips. Not only is that against the rules of the game but also seagulls do not speak. Listen. This one did. Listen to it. Chips. Chips. Weird. There you go. I wouldn't want that

seagull anywhere near me. Chips. You cheated. I think. You don't get the point. You said chips. You didn't get the point then for guessing it? No, because it's the performer who gets the point, not the guesser. No, it is the guesser, because the guesser has to guess the sound. No, it's not the guesser. It is, otherwise what's the point of naming that tune?

All right, give the audience a fucking... No, but in this game... Give the orchestra a point, because they played three notes. In this game, it's the skill of the performer that we're looking for. Still got it. Just because you misinterpreted the sound I made for the word chips. I got it, because you said the word chips. I believe if you play it back, it's the skill of the performer that we're looking for. Still got it. Just because you misinterpreted the sound I made for the word chips.

I got it because you said the word chips. I believe if you play it back, it sounds like this. You can't. It does. It sounds like the word chips. Right.

I won't be cheating, ladies and gentlemen. Paul obviously cheats at everything, so. They do take your chips, though. That's how we lied you. I'm going to get a better one than this.

Oh, I didn't have the fucking option to do that. That's unfair. Can you give me, for the sake of the than this. Oh, I didn't have the fucking option to do that. That's unfair. Can you give me, for the sake of the fucking show, can you give me the option? All right, but the next card you have to pick. It has to be random and you have to pick it. And whatever it is, is what you do.

No takesies-backsies. You have to do that card. You have to do that card, mate. You've already had your one gummy or whatever it's called in golf. My one gummy in golf. What is it when you get a free drop in golf because you did a big fuck-up? McGuffin or McGaffin.

You did a Berkey or a Turkey. Something like that. Bogey. No, bogey's when you go over par. Yeah, over par. But there's a third... It's out of bounds. There's a word where it's like...

You do a drop. Mulligan. Mulligan. Oh, it's a mulligan. I never knew that. I'm learning. You do a mulligan. It's like you say,

oh, drop all that. We'll start from scratch. We're an educational podcast. Yeah, mulligan. And O'Hare. Are you ready? Yes. Sit on your hands

and I will say the words now. Cue. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Someone's spraying something. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. A train pulling into the station. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. No.

No. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. No. No. No, I want you to stop now. Broom. A broom? What would you do?

You'd probably go broom. No, I'd go on. Here we go. Broom. You fucking dick. Right, that was good. I enjoyed that. If I had to do broom, I would do...

It's a hard one. That doesn't sound like a broom. Broom. It's a hard one. That doesn't sound like a broom. Bro. Anyway, that sounded delicious in a nutshell. It's all right, actually.

Did you enjoy that? Yeah, I mean, it's just one of these games. It's just a list of words, you know? So I feel like it's a rip-off because you could just... No, but again, you could say that for most board games that are like this. Most card games where they just write... Yeah, that's what I mean. It's a card game, so here are the cards. But they're there so you don't have to sit there for hours going,

oh, oh, oh, chicken. I know, but with a little bit of get up and go, you could just use a dictionary or something, you know, to generate this game. True. All you need is the rules.

I find, I feel that a bit. Yeah, but that's the whole point of these games, isn't it? It gives you an excuse to play it. They're a pastime, aren't they, essentially? What other ones could you have gone at random out of interest?

Harp, hippo. Oh, do you want to hear harp? Yeah. Okay, what about panda? What the fuck would you do for panda? That would be terrible. Just do some gnawing on some bamboo, probably. Tap dancing.

Yeah, I'd do that. No, that sounds like drumming. You can't make... That's the soft shoe. Oh, the sh... A sh... Broom. He wouldn't say broom. All right's the soft shoe. A shh. A shh. A shh. Broom. He wouldn't say

broom. Alright, let's start. Hey, Paul. How can you hide the words in? How can you hide the words in it?

That's how you dance. So literal. You said chips. Butcher. What do you do with butcher? Butcher.

Half a pound. Butcher. Half a pound of a pound a trite And that's this week's Paul's Pleasant Pastimes I did enjoy it Cheap show's over Oh no

But there'll be another one next week Right It's the admin time The least interesting part of any podcast so let's get through this as quickly as possible look you won't stop shop is the website we've got thecheapshow.co.uk you want pages that are dedicated to single episodes with pictures and whatnot that's on our website links to our social media on our website our youtube it's on our website patron it's on our website in fact if you want to just go there directly, patreon.com

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thank you to those who already do so thanks everyone for your support in a nutshell what I will say actually though is you know Cheap Show is an independent podcast

and we do our best to get our name out there but to those listening if you could retweet or comment or leave a review there's a website now actually

there's an app Good Pods there's an app called Good Pods I just joined today and it's really good because you can listen to episodes there and subscribe and all this stuff

but also leave comments and rate each episode and that helps bring it to other people's attention. Do you like it? It's very much to me looked like something that's trying to be

a podcast hub and also social media sort of platform as well. True. But I would argue what with Twitter ex-shitting the bed and, you know,

all the threads and stuff being so disparate that actually if the app itself builds communities and listeners and whatnot it might be a good thing so I'm just going to say

maybe if you can and you want to rate us on iTunes or Spotify check out GoodPod as well or specifically GoodPods or Podcast Addict it really helps boost our appearance online

elsewhere good and thank you for listening sorry my voice has been a bit subpar because this is material we've both

and my material probably we've both had a tough holiday period it's been a tough time we're getting our groove back Gannon needs to get his groove back it's tough

Paul sent me a list of porn and also a list of ideas for special shows that we're going to have yeah throughout the year just try and tick off a few of those this year

yeah and we've got some fun ideas coming we're going to put them into action obviously episode 400 a few of those this year. Yeah, and we've got some fun ideas coming and we're going to put them into action. Obviously, episode 400 is going to be this year

and also worth noting that we're going to be doing one live show towards the end of the year. Details are being finalised but we'll get that to you as soon as we know more. And I think I have to top

the hitting on stage thing. Well, the performance piece I did that I built in. The art piece. I think you should pretend to be a jackknife. No, I don't think you should pretend.

You really shat on stage, so why don't you really make a sticky mess? Anyway, today's cheap show has been brought to you by Graxton Chemicals. The best chemicals that money can buy.

Do you want me to do the readout? Yeah, can you do the readout, please, now? Oh, what's that smell? Oh, it's my fucking terrible, terrible cock. Is that really what they've asked you to read out? Luckily, I have gruffed.

Oh, just pop it in like a front hole poultice and it goes all niff-naff-nagon. And remember what they say, a little bit of gruffed and that'll be enough to fucking freshen up your chuff right Gruft Gruft

got a horrible stinky chubby muff slap on a bag of Gruft it's a unisex item right we'll see you oh and discount code

Gruft cheap show Gruft it's all one word bye everyone cheap show Gruft we love we love

I'm full of love we are full of love and Gruft. Graxton Chemicals. Alright. That might go for one more episode. We might see. I like Gruft as a product. I use Gruft myself on the tip and the top. And then where does it nestle? It kind of just

builds up a kind of a spory mould in my perineum, like a nest. And then it kind of like, you know like a dandel and then it kind of like you know like a dandelions and it kind of just floats away

oh spores yeah it kind of just floats off chuffney spores it takes the stench and makes it into spores that when you take your pants off

at night oof they go out the window they're off they're your babies they're off and they leave a lovely pine scent

in its place so yeah there we go bye chuffney bye everyone that's enough bye pine scent in its place. So, yeah, there we go. Bye. Chaffney, chaffney. Bye, everyone. That's enough. Bye.