CheapShow - Ep 367: Pork Laureate

Episode Date: January 19, 2024

It’s Radio CheapShow time. Sort of! It’s another whole episode dedicate to the utterly confounding world of vinyl record discoveries. Paul and Eli have unearthed some truly weird and confusing 7 inchers that will most likely be a chore to listen to. This week, the Cheap Chaps consider if “hustling” will really help them get ahead, unravel the dumb logic of an Electro song about The Lone Ranger, sample the delights of a Terrahawks pop princess and debate the musical legitimacy of Cannon & Ball. Along the way, a few upsetting new characters bubble out of the nonsense with a rather distasteful dog and a pointless robot taking up everyone’s valuable time. More economy comedy awaits! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-367-pork-laureate And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter/X @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid www.thecheapshow.co.uk Now on Threads: @cheapshowpod Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Southern Sound It's coming up to the top of the hour and you're listening to Cheap Show FM. It's Bruiser and the Randy Dog. I'm Bruiser. And that's the Randy Dog. Randy Dog, what's your message for the day? I came.

So, join us back here tomorrow for another three hours of wacky hijinks of Bruiser and the Angry Dog. Anyway, we're coming up to the top of the hour now. And afterwards, we will be Calm Down, Randy Dog. Call me Angry Dog. Angry Dog. It's Horny Dog. Call me Angry Dog.

All right, Horny Dog. Randy. Angry Dog. All right, Horny Dog. Randy! Randy Dog. Sausages! All right, it's not worth it. Anyway, right. Incession! Coming up at the top of the hour,

we have our Cheap Show Platter special. But until then, why not sit back and relax to Noiseland and the Cheap Show theme. Hello? Press the fucking credits. Sources and words and phrases. Two things I'm responsible for. Chodney, Chodney Borough.

I hate you. I've got to go to the hospital. Jeep Show tonight. Jeep Show tonight. It's the Price of Shite. Welcome to Cheap Show. Yes, that was Noiseland and the Cheap Show theme, available on Cheap Show Records. You can get that right now. Great, Great record. Is it

Blue Monday we're recording? Was that last Monday? I'm a sex clown on a trampoline and I'm bouncing up and down and my willy's clean. I'm a sex clown, see how I fly and I'm bouncing up and down and my willy's clean. I'm a sex clown, see how I fly and I do a shit

right into your eye. Some of your improvisational music stuff is some of your best. You know that? Like willies being clean and shitting in eyes. You know, sometimes I think it rhymed. At least I got to a second rhyme there. You're not so much the poet laureate

as the pork laureate, aren't you? The pork laureate. You're the pork laureate. We've done that before as well. We haven't. If we have, then I was clever back then too. Okay. Either way, hello, welcome to the cheap show.

The pork laureate? Why does meat... I don't understand. Why does that make me... What does a laureate mean? What is a laureate? Someone who's received a laurel. So if a poet laureate would be what?

It's some kind of stupid aristo bullshit, isn't it? I'm going to look it up. The poet laureate is the king's poet, the monarch's poet. Okay, it says here, according to the dictionary, it says a laureate is a person honoured for achievement in an art or science. So theoretically... The pork laureate, that's not an art or a science. It's the name of a type of meat.

Yeah, but you could be someone who's achieved greatness with pork. I could be... You could have received pork. Now, if we want to go wanky, if we want to go wanky, Paul... Eli, just for the record, you know I do. The Pork Shuffler Laureate. The Pork Shuffler Laureate. Is this working for you?

The Pork Scratching... I like the simplicity of just Pork Laureate. Pork Truncheon Laureate. Look, they're getting off points. The point is, is that Hello Women's Cheap Show. The Spitty Pork Tube. It is the economy comedy podcast where Eli and I go for the bargain bin, charity shops and pound lands of this country

and bring you back the treasure we find amongst the trash. And yes, it is a music stroke platter special today. Four tracks to get through. And boy, howdy, have we got some rib ticklers for you. We like to cover novelty records. There are novelty records here. We got a few. There are TV show-related records here, Paul.

All a nice... We got a nice gamut. A gamut. Ganon's gamut and Eli the Pork Laureate. There's a tranche, if you like. Oh, you've done the tranche work. Yes, there's a tranche of different flavoured morsels for your ears. Ear morsels.

Or, as I call them, auditory bit bots. Nah, mate. Just nah to that. I can't do this show anymore, Paul. I can't do this show anymore. Everything I say sucks. How about audio derves? I'm liking that.

Do you see what I mean? That is good. What is the word for finger food? What is it? Volavance. No, no. Volavance is the finger food. Canapes.

Canapes. Canapes. Canapes, yeah. Canapé, if you want to. You're not working for me. How much did that cost? Canapé. I'd like to.

What about that? I know. We got it. Let's just workshop this. Talking to the mic, not to the side of it, because, you know, there's not a microphone there. I said arm. It's weird how your mic technique gets better and worse over time.

I feel like I'm not doing well. What do you tell us from the dance floor? Paul, I feel like I'm not doing well this week. So? I wanted to be better this week. Daddy Gannon hold you in his loving arms. You're not, though. His comedy cradle.

You're an isolationist. Come to Gannon's comedy in his loving arms. You're not though. His comedy cradle. You're an isolationist. Come to Gannon's comedy cradle and sleep upon my arm. Can I come in Gannon's comedy cradle? I mean, it's a tight cradle. I'd like you to make a cradle

with the hairs of your... I'm just doing the roll my hands along get this over and done with thing. I'm not as good as I used to be. No, you're not. I've been saying this for years. But then how can I return

to the witty... I don't know. If you're listening at home and you can recommend how Eli could be funnier, you've not. I've been saying this for years. But then how can I return to the witty... I don't know. If you're listening at home and you can recommend how Eli could be funnier, please write a letter and send it to our PO box. Can't even make you laugh anymore. Pebble Millet 1. No, you don't, do you? Do you? Right. Goodnight, everyone. We're over. Tales from the Dance Floor.

Tales from the Dance Floor. Now, Eli, you've assured me this is very different from the norm. In a way, this is the opposite of the norm. All right, so here's what I'm going to say. If at any point in this story it gets too familiar, I'm just going to stop the recording. Just let me say the story. Just let me say the story.

At some point, I'm just going to stop the recording. Please, no, because it starts in a familiar way, but then the ending is not familiar to you, okay? Right. So you have to give it some leeway to sound familiar at first, all right? Yeah. Have we got an agreement there? Yeah.

Go on. Tales from the Dance Floor. So Go on. Tales from the dance floor. So what's your tales from the dance floor this week? So, I am DJing, and a young lady gets onto the stage. No, don't listen. I told you it was going to be familiar at first. You have to give this a chance.

And the lady comes over, young lady comes over to the deck. Age? I don't know. How tall was she? Six foot? About my height. Three foot two?

Can you just let me tell the story without having a go, please? No. Go on, just do it. I'm five foot one. Oh, yeah. Something like that, yes. Right, yeah, something. Over five one, actually.

Yeah, I'm short, big deal. What are you going to do about it? Huh? Nothing. What are you saying about that? How big was she? She was about my height. But bigger?

She wasn't a tall person. I just want to make sure this is real. Are you making this up? I'm not making it up, Paul. I don't know. And then she goes, Oh, I was going to ask you to play this song. Right.

Ah, that tells from the dance floor, everybody. Wait, no. Have I missed something? She comes up to you and says... She had a request, but then she realised that the song that I was actually playing was the song she was going to ask me to play. How good am I at reading the room?

I literally, the person has the idea to ask for the song. And then that song, that song, that very song. This is actually worse than a normal story. Why? Because it's a negative nothing of wank. It's not a negative nothing of wank. It's a negative nothing. It's a positive.

It's a story where nothing happens of note. It's a feel good story about a human connection I made in the course of my life. You did, though. I reached out and touched someone emotionally. Did you? What was the song? I want to make that clear. There was no touching.

What was the song? It was... Rumours, Fleetwood Mac or something. No, it was... That's not a song. It is. It's a whole song called Rumours. There isn't a song called Rumours.

It is. Rum, rum, rum, rumours, I'm Fleetwood Mac, Fleetwood Mac. That just shows you know nothing. Rum, rum, rum, rumours. That just shows you know nothing. Everyone at home is thinking, Paul doesn't like Fleetwood Mac rumours. They hate you for it. Fleetwood Mac, Fleetwood Mac rumours. Fleetwood Mac, oi!

Maybe there is a song on the Rumours album called Rumours. I don't know either. You just don't know. I'm not interested. You can go your own way, mate, if you want. The song, don't start this shit. You'll never break the chain with that attitude, will you? Oh, there we go.

How many other fucking... Eli, that is all. That is all? What's the other one? You know what? I feel it in my fingers. They did that one, didn't they? I feel it in my toes.

I feel like this segment has become an albatross around my neck. Well, you fucking vented it, and you keep bringing it up. You didn't spot that one, did you? Yeah, I did, actually. Albatross. Yeah. Yeah. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

You didn't know there was a song called Albatross by Fleetwood Mac. Did you? Just admit it. Yeah, it's everywhere. Fuck. Is that... Yeah, your Michelle Branch favourite song. Right, anyway.

Shut up. The song I was playing, Everybody... Was Everybody? No. Everybody. Yeah, yeah. Suck my dick. Back street.

All right. I done a poopy. Everybody. Yeah. I did a poopy, yeah. Everybody, don't forget to wipe. Yes, nice. Wipe your backside.

The backside, boys. Well, that's a different band. Everybody, I done a poopy Oh my god I shat again Right The song was Your love keeps lifting me higher and higher

Jackie Wilson Right anyway welcome to Cheap Show. We're going to continue now by playing some songs. Paul, are you okay? Why did that break you? It just made me laugh so much. I'm sorry. I feel as well.

My voice has not... Yeah. Has not... Hasn't come back. Hasn't come back fully, has it? No, that's a shame. Listen, you've already killed the momentum of this moment, so I'm just going to cut to the next bit.

There's no moment. You're having a fucking... You're dissembling yourself. Reassemble your faculties, Joe, man. Oh, my God, I shat again. LAUGHTER We've got sunshine for a rainy day We've got music and a special word to say On Radio Wide World Live just for you.

Welcome to Silverman's Platters and we've got four great platters for you. And we'll be testing them and listening to them and we'll tell you. What will we tell you, Paul? We'll be telling you what four tracks they are today.

Their four tracks are narrow. I am Trackbot. I am Trackbot. I am Trackbot, the AI track-picking machine. I delve into the database. I'm going to get the Randy Dog. No, we've done the Randy Dog. I'm going to get the Randy Dog in here.

I want to do... I'm getting the Randy Dog in here to disable... I'm doing Trackbot. Let me tell you, has Trackbot got cum-proof circuits? Yes. Dog cum-proof circuits?

He has. Really? He wouldn't short out with a fucking hot infusion of dog cum up the exhaust pipe. No. He's fully, fully prepared to take it. He's a very randy dog, and they've measured the Guinness World Book of Records. Measured a dog's load. Yeah, and he's got the load because he's a fucking horny dog.

There might be a record here. Because, you know... I think the horny dog has proven himself to be a problematic character. It's Randy, the Randy dog. Horny Randy. It's all problematic, isn't it? It's all unwanted attention, mate. Have you ever seen the balls on him?

Yeah. They're like gallon jugs. Yeah, no, I thought, literally, he was trying to drag behind him two big basketballs. They are huge. His back legs don't actually reach the ground, do they? And so Trackbot is in trouble if he steps out of line. That's all I'm saying.

I am Trackbot. I am Trackbot. Okay, Trackbot. Trackbot here. I'm threatening you with dog domination. It's not good, is it? It's not good, is it? Not a good thing to put out there into the world, is it?

There's me doing Trackbot, a robot that can pull out any track you want from history. I am Trackbot. Okay, let's start that bit again. Right, go on. Hello, welcome to Silverman's Platters. It's all about platters. Do they matter or is it splatter? Now, joining me today is the little robot who's got all the knowledge in the world.

He knows all about tracks and he's got access to computer information of all the different songs ever done. It's Trackbot. Hello, I am Trackbot. Well, Trackbot, what have you been listening to today? This week I have been listening to XTC and Black Lice. I am Trackbot, the AI bot pick tracker. Trackbot, Black Lice, I haven't heard of them. Is that a punk group?

Yes. Okay, good. Mate, I'm going to be honest. Are you regretting Trackbot now? AI bot pick tracker trackbot black lights I haven't heard of them is that a punk group yes okay good mate I'm gonna be honest are you regretting trackbot now yes he needed hot dog jizz infusion he didn't fucking need the hot dog jizz

a tried and true radio character the randy dog how many appearances has the randy dog made at least one other one apart from this every character

has his first episode I am trackbot trackbot's hated by our whole listenership. He's not, is he? I'm getting messages in live. I'll check him.

Trackbot's lame, it says here. It says who? Bunny Girl 62. Trackbot is brokenhearted. What am I going to do now? You need to recharge your batteries, Trackbot.

Go in the little charge. I could just not do the voice and carry on with this fucking segment. I'm enjoying it. Are you? Yeah. I get mixed messages from you.

You're such a fucking comedy cocktease. Ooh. I am Trackbot. Get in the cupboard, though, Trackbot. Trackbot fitting cupboard. Now, Trackbot, I know you can do when you fetch. I'm not going to fetch. No, that's a Randy dog.

That's a Randy dog. He does nothing but fetching. Not only, he's Randy. Mate, he's a Randy dog. He does nothing but fetching. Not only, he's Randy. Mate, he's fetching all the time. Seriously. You go into his room and it looks like someone's got

a garden water sprinkler in there. He's got a room. He's got his own fucking room, Randy dog. I walked in the other day and literally he's like... It's like a garden sprayer. It is.

He's spraying it out across the rug. I got that rug. Do you know what, Paul? I bought that rug for £45 and now it's matted. Matted in dog fetch. And it's just, what? I want that dog out. Oh, he's gone.

As long as Trackbot... Trackbot's gone as well. Okay, now what for? But we need to explain... Four minutes and we've done less than nothing. I was trying to explain the segment of Silverman's Platters and what the process. We'll be listening to four records.

Four records as chosen by ourselves. We'll be going through a judgment process after each track, right? And what will that judgment process be, Paul? Whether it is a platter, which means, hey, this could be listened to outside of the context of its novelty, or splatter. Not very good. It's a big old bag of wank and you don't you've already heard

enough of it okay what we got looking to look forward to coming up on this week's i'll say that again no i'll say that one more time what we are looking i will say hey but i will say it one more time don't get your hands off the fucking flaps man you demon flapper flat ripper i'm not the flat ripper here comes the flat ripper. Here comes the flat ripper. Murderer. He's a cardboard box destroyer. Murderer. Excuse me, Mr. Silverman.

I didn't touch your fucking box. Stop fucking blaming me. It's not my box. Anyway, little behind the scenes there, everyone. There's a box that has been mysteriously...

I've been accused of tearing Rogan's flat. De-flapped. We will be judging each of these records. That's all I wanted to say. Yes. What will the platters we'll be listening to today,

what are they, Paul? Oof. Well, flip fucking blimey. We have got four tracks today. Track one will be You Gotta Be a Hustler, if you want to get on, by Sue Wilkinson, followed by, what is it fucking called? The Lone Ranger, Quantum Jump.

Then, why, it's a return to my favourite comedy double act of the 80s, why, it's Cannon and Ball with a song called Don't Let Your Braces Dangle. And finally, Kate Kestrel with a song called S.O.S. But who Kate Kestrel? We'll tell you later on Cheap Show. Oh, I'm looking forward to all of those, Paul. It's all right, wasn't it? So we're going to start with Sue, aren't we? Yeah.

So, ladies and gentlemen, to get this Silverman's Platter special edition of Cheap Show on the road, ding, ding, here comes the bus. Oh, fucking hell. The segment bus.

If you ever do that again, it's not a segment bus. Excuse me, sir. Where would you like to go today on the segment bus? How many drivers have we had? I am a driver, Bart. And I drive the bus

to the next segment. No, this is a meltdown. Ding, ding? I am a driver bot and I drive the bot to the next segment. No, this is a meltdown. Ding, ding. I am... It's killing me. Oh my God, I shat again. Oh, good.

We're getting all the money's worth out of this. Good. Right, we're going to start with this. It is You Gotta Be a Hustler If You Want to Get On by Sue Wilkinson and hey-ho, nonny-no,

it sounds like this. Yeah. I remember Sally from number four she always had boys queuing up at her door she wasn't so good looking but she seemed to have such fun while I had none I asked my mum how come mother said Sally was loose

and cheap and girls like that ended up on the street not like me I was good you see now i saw sally on the telly today she's a lady now in every way so darn rich though they tell me she's a bitch with lovers by the score do i have to tell you more oh you've got to be a hustler if you want to get on principles can only hold you back the only women making it are women who are taking it or faking it while lying in a sack on their back in a sack you've got to be a hustler if you

want to make a name being good can only get you hurt chastity and virtue never bought a woman fame and men will always crave a cunning flirt when you read the newspapers every day there's always some hussy that's having her way by dating dating someone famous, she makes herself a name. Right, so I think I found this in an all-aboard charity shop a little while ago. The label is Cheapskate Records. Which is why it drew my attention, frankly. I was like, oh, Cheapskate. I wanted to know what Cheapskate had done.

Are they a reasonably well-known label? I saw something else on that label the other day. So they're not a one-off. Oh, okay. It says here, a record label established by Slade bassist Jim Lee and his brother Frank. Oh, that's interesting, isn't it?

Because the drummer is on that track we just listened to. Is Slade's drummer? Yeah. I'll get back to that in a minute. It was started in 1979 and active until 82, and it was revived briefly in 87 to 88 just to release three Slade singles. So it's like a Slade label.

Well, it's like Slade's version of Apple, I guess. Yeah. But they did have sort of minor hits, didn't they, with their 80s stuff?

A few. You see a few desperate attempts on early Saturday morning Superstore and whatever them doing their thing, but it was passed for them. You even see now, I want to say like

9 or 10 with a Slade on. Yeah, but that's 87. Yeah. They were releasing new Slade singles as late as 87. They also had on the label The Dummies, The Scardos, Roy Wood, Titch Turner's Escalator. Have you ever heard of Titch Turner's Escalator? I never have.

Malcolm Roberts, Top Secret, and The Glitter Band. Okay. So very much from the glam era, those artists. Roy Wood, of course, was the brains behind Wizard. Yeah, the three songs behind the Slade re-release were You Boys Make Big Noise, which got to 94. It also sounds like a horrible British porn film. It only got to 94, wow. We Won't Give In, which sadly only got to 121 in the UK charts.

And Let's Dance, which didn't chart. Anyway, let's get back to the1 in the uk charts and let's dance which didn't chart anyway let's get back to the batter in hand sue wilkinson singer she was a british singer songwriter born in 1943 died january 2005 this song we just listened to was her sole hit on the uk singles chart and it reached number 25 do you think this falls into the category of novelty it's comic it's meant to be comic it's a weird song with a weird message, which is, if you want to be a successful woman, take as much dick as you can and then reap the benefits at the back end.

Yeah. Which is a strange message to have. I don't know if it's a pro-feminist message, Paul. It feels more like an innocent, like a naive character telling a story about, oh, look at all these famous women. They're rich and successful, and all they had to do

was just fucking hustle their bustle a bit yeah and we were in the house of pickles earlier today Paul and we were trying to we tried to see

for the sake of efficacy and time if these these records are available online so we can just listen to them

yeah without whipping out the vinyl without whipping out the old turntable and so forth but I listened to this the other, without whipping out the vinyl. Without whipping out the old turntable and so forth. But I listened to this the other day in my own time, and I listened, you know, took it in,

and then there was a distinct difference in the lyrics and the version that we listen to on YouTube music today. Yes, the version you just heard just then is the straight from the vinyl pressing version, which has the word bitch instead of witch, which is replaced with witch, and then there's a line at the end of the chorus which says something word bitch instead of which is replaced with which and then there's a line at the end of the chorus which says something to the effect of in the original version

you know women go far if they just lie back and take some action in the sack and take it lying on their back essentially whereas the edited version says leave their morals on the mat which is kind of a clever translation into a safer version isn't it and it gives me the impression that we don't know because we couldn't find this information but it makes me feel like uh she may have been asked to clean it up somewhat for b for the top of the pops because it was on top of the pops wasn't it yeah there's a few pictures of it on top of the pops and it again it was the only one that charted she was also an actress and model known as Sue England in the UK. And her autobiography is called A Bimbo or something.

Reflections of a Recovering Bimbo were published in 2002. But that seems to refer to the message from you've got to be a hustler if you want to get on. Yeah. But remember, when did this song come out? 80? 1980. 1980.

So when was Dallas and that, you know, power yuppie? That's much later, right? Oh, you mean power dressing for women and that sort of 80s feminism? Dynasty, Dallas, you know, that whole idea of like mean women getting what they want, blah, blah, blah. Power by acting like men, essentially. Kind of. But the moral difference there being is that culturally, men who fuck about are seen as power lords, you know, blah, blah, blah. It's just got a strange message, if it is a message. But I i think you're right it's more like written from the character's point of

view character like a vignette sort of style song there's like someone telling you how a woman should act and then there's an example that she's seeing in the song that proves otherwise it is competently the rhyme structure and everything has a sort of it just doesn't reek pop hit to me it doesn't reek of anything that you would put on and play. It sounds like something taken from a musical. Yeah, it does have a Tin Pan Alley sort of vibe to it. It's like maybe you could get away with that song in the 60s a little bit. Because you could almost imagine, I mean, funnily enough, Anthony Newley kind of doing it.

That's it. And her delivery is very sort of old school Brit showbiz, isn't it? Clipped British. Yeah, clipped. Because I think she's performing that as that naive character. Yeah. That almost innocent Hayley Mills kind she's performing that as that naive character. Yeah. That almost innocent Hayley Mills kind of Britishness. Makes sense, Paul.

And the B side we need to mention. Which was shit. There we go, we've mentioned it. Now, what's it called? It's called Double Deal in Day, and it's a country and western-y kind of thing. Now, that's very unmemorable, but it is in a country style, has a sort of sly guitar on it.

Interestingly, from her autobiography, Paul, we know that she moved to Nashville, right? It says here, yeah, she later moved to Nashville and had sex at... Sex? Had sex at... Fuck me. Dr. Freud!

Dr. Freud! Cheese bins! Right. She went to Nashville and had success as a jingles writer. So that she must have her ear for the country sound. Put it that way. Here's the weird thing though. One album came out in 1980 called Looking for Cover on the Hustler label in UK.

I didn't know. Is that Hustlers in the Sex, Mag? No. Did they have a record label? I don't know. The point I was trying to make, sorry, was his second album was only released on MP3 in 2001 and it's called Hot Tea Mood Swings on the Tineville label in USA. So maybe these were

a collection of all of her jingles? Possibly, yeah, but she died a year later. A couple of years later, 2005. And she was a DJ for a while

on a radio station called Raiders FM. But there's not much on about her, really. That's kind of it. It feels like she moved away to America and she was a songwriter

as well, but there's not much here about the songs she's written. Jingles can be very lucrative, so I mean... Oh, God, yeah. Yeah, you can have a good life if you're an in-demand jingle writer. So there we go. She did co-pen another few songs.

There's a song out there called Victim of the Planets. Don't know what it sounds like. Couldn't find on YouTube or Spotify. How could you be Victim of the Planets? If gravitational pulls affect you weirdly. Ooh, swollen. In the genitals, yes. Like that, tender, swollen.

Oh, Pluto. Pluto's out. Pluto's out. Pluto's out of alignment. No, that's not a planet, though, is it? So let's do it. That's why he's out of alignment. No, I'll come in.

I'll come in again. Yeah. I didn't know you were in anywhere in the first place that this was a character. It's a... Ooh. Ooh. It's Doctor's office.

Ooh. Sit down, Mr. Silverman. What's wrong? Rather not, Doctor. What's wrong, Mr. Silverman. Rather not, doctor. What's wrong, Mr. Silverman? It's too tender. What is? My gonads are fucking... Sorry, can you explain in more detail what's wrong with your gonads?

When Jupiter is ascending in the sky, my nuts go all tight and shriveled up like raisins in a balloon. I know what the problem is, sir. You've got astro-itis. You're going to need to take two asteroids every day for four years. Two asteroids?

Two asteroids. Where do I get these? You can go to Spaceland where they sell all space items. Like asteroids. Large, huge, floating pieces of rock and metal. Yes.

And ice. Well, you can buy a chip of it. If you just take a chip of it. Not a whole one. Just a chip of it. Well, they've got a whole one there. I hate this fucking sketch. Right.

Your balls are affected by the planets, Eli. Sorry, everyone. I'm trying to get back into a comedy mindset. Good for trying. I want to say one more thing about the Slade drummer. Yeah, oh, you do. Now, is that the same guy who played drums as the guy who started the label

cheapskate records no the answer is don powell was the drummer but he had no involvement with setting up the record according to the wikipedia on the label which said it was jim lee and his brother frankly who were both in slade well jim lee was the bassist but his brother okay but he probably knew the guy the drummer guy and said you want to look i've got this record label play your drums on this fucking weird song about a woman who's got a thing. Did a session job. Didn't do a bad job. No, not a bad job.

It's well made and put together. Sonically, you can't really figure it out. It's well produced enough, isn't it? Because she does sort of spoken word bits, like you said. And it's like you don't lose any of it. You can hear her very clearly. It's almost, almost new wavy. Almost.

It's on that. You know what I mean? It reminds me of those updated versions of girl group. Like that shopping. Oh, yeah. With the posh voice. The woman who did that. That was an 80s song.

What was that? That was that whole album, which is all about brands and things, which we talked about in the past. And I can't remember. Hasn't it got a vibe like that as well? Yeah. Anyway, splatter or platter? For me, it's a splatter.

It's a splatter for me as well. It's fine, but it don't ring the bells in my brain. Funnily enough, that is a song title that could have been a 70s funk record from America. I thought it was going to be a disco hit or something. Yeah, it could have been a funk disco thing. And it also could have been from the G-funk era. Yeah. Like Snoop Dogg and Warren G and all of that, you know.

You've got to be a hustler if you want to get it on. I mean, I wouldn't go with that, but... I'm not liking this, what you're doing. That doesn't sound like any of the genres we just suggested. I'm glad you're enjoying that. Good. Shall we do the next track? The next track.

Oh, another curio from the past. This is The Lone Ranger by Quantum Jumps. You know what? You introduce it. I always introduce it. Do your best DJ voice thing. Go on. Thanks, Paul.

Yeah. It's just coming up to the hour here on Cheap Show FM. And we've got a record for you. It's The Lone Ranger by Quantum Jump. Oh, I hope he doesn't get me. Bang, bang. Whoopsie. Yeah, it sounds like this. Nuru Kawa Miki Dora.

Meet Tonto Kimo Sabe. Meet Tone Kachi Bade. Find him by the shady water deep within Apache Forest. Find him, scalp him, eat him up for breakfast Real good friend to Pimmo's shabby Save another silver bullet I hope silver away Right into tomorrow today

But who was that masked man you say That was the lone ranger Brought to you by the electric record company That was Quantum Jump with The Lone Ranger What did you think of it? What's your gut feelings on it? I quite like the use of synth in it. It's a well-produced record.

I feel we can get into it because we do know a little bit about how it was constructed, but I feel it's culturally insensitive, to say the least. I don't know about that. What I will say is that I think the track as it stands is a curio but i kind of found it a bit boring after a while yeah it yes it's it doesn't have a very strong hook does it really no not really it kind of just does that electro plinky plonky because what would you call that genre of music just to the ear it's sort of new wave stroke funk there's a little bit of roxy music

to it it's new wavy yeah yeah also the way and a bit yellow also yeah it's a electro poppy yeah a bit yellow you're right has a bit of a yellow but it doesn't go as far no as yellow with the electrification which is yellow everybody that'sbomb. Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch. Which is yellow, everybody. That's the sex song. I found that band, that band from the 1980s, and all the songs they made, and they were called...

Yellow. Very good. Now, also, it's a sort of thing from the era. What year is this now? I think this is 1980, that one. Oh, look, it's a subsidiary of Pi. Oh, What year is this now? I think this is 1980, that one. Oh, look,

it's a subsidiary of Pi. Oh, no, hang on. Let me find out for you. The Electric Record Company is a subsidiary of Pi, Paul. You can see here, there's a little Pi. That was a British company.

Very big. In the 60s. All of the kink stuff came out on Pi. This is 1976. So for 76, actually. 76 is way ahead of its time.

Yeah. It reached number five. However, it only reached number five in 1979. Why? We'll tell you a bit later. Oh. You already know. I told you before.

I forgot that. According to Wikipedia, Quantum Jump was a 1970s British band consisting of singer and keyboard player Rupert Hind, Mark Warner, John G. Perry, who was then of the Caravan, and drummer Trevor Moray, or Morise, who had previously been in a band called The Peddlers. And they're known for this song, 1979, again, it was released in 1976, The Low Ranger. And only this song. Yeah.

The guy from Caravan, Caravan, of course, did Golf Girl, which was covered by Neil out of The Young Ones on his LP. Quantum Jump Sound is a hybrid of fusion, funk, and jazz rock. Yeah, I mean, the fusion is a tautologist there, because you wouldn't... That's what fusion is. Jazz rock is

a type of fusion. Yeah, it says here, jazz fusion, known as fusion jazz rock or progressive jazz. That doesn't... That's more electro-poppy to me, that song. If you'd said to me oh this is a you know fusion funk jazz thing and you'd i'd be like well this is going to sound like this in my head but it's not that it's not funky enough really is it like you say it's kind of boring but it's also ahead of its time because it's quite post modern in that the song is about the tv show the the pop cultural object. Yeah, what is the song about, actually? That goes right through my head.

That's like that fucking It's sort of just referencing the Lone Ranger. He's out the wet ones again, everybody. Oh, dear. He's just farting openly. Oh, my God, I shat again. And I feel like there was

the post-modernism, things like Max Hedrum. Well, there's a little bit of sampling on the end of it, isn't it? Or I was just about to say, The Art of Noise. The Art of Noise did the, of course, did the, what was that? Doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom. Peter Gunn theme.

Yes, or whatever, yeah. It was from a cop show. And this is also sort of referencing something that would have been in the childhood that they would have seen on TV. And this type of thing was coming through there. Songs about, it's the post-modern age it's you get stuff songs about other pop cultural you know because the lone ranger was been off tv for a while at that point it wasn't gonna well maybe it was still on repeats wouldn't

it yeah and read about how the the um opening oh yeah so you may have noticed that's of interest well you may notice when we play that first track the first, which to me is the bit that sounds like yellow, that kind of mouth poetry acapella thing, right? It's a nonsense word, isn't it? So you thought, oh, it's Lone Ranger. Maybe it's to do with Native American, you know, language. That's what it's meant to sound like, a Native American exclamation of some sort.

However, that is not the case. So allegedly, the story goes that the managing director of the electric record company believed the song The Lone Reindeer was a potential hit in the making, but it needed something more interesting in its intro. So, Hine, the guy who was the sick singer and keyboardist, picked up on this remark and sang the longest word in the world, and it's listed in the Guinness Book of Records as a fact that that is the longest word in the world.

Is that still the case? Maybe, I don't know. Replacing the original intro to the song altogether, the word in question, taken from the language of the Maori, is that how you pronounce that right? The Maori. Maori. I believe.

New Zealand's indigenous people with the name of a hill. It's in Hawke's Bay, New Zealand, and on the record, the word, made to sound as if it was Native American, in keeping with the Lone Ranger and T tonto theme is chanted as follows see this is where I feel that there's a sort of problematic cultural appropriation angle that is like having a song about um it's like a song about having Fu Manchu let's say and then using because he's meant to be like a demonic Chinese character. Yes. And then using a Japanese word at the start of it.

Do you see what I mean? A completely different culture that you're just conflating. The funny thing about that is that it feels like musically sticking a round peg in a square hole. It's like, oh, you need something more interesting. Right. But he also thought the gimmick of having the longest word in the world would bring attention to the song. And he's mashed that into this kind of weird, Tonto-esque

thing. It fits, because it does when you hear it, you feel like, oh, that's the Tonto doing a Native American thing. So it works for our ignorant brains. But it's not right, is it, really? Well, the interesting thing about this song is it was originally released in 1976, and it got really? Well, the interesting thing about this song is it was originally released in 1976

and it got a bit of interest because it was picked by Tony Blackburn himself on BBC Radio 1's Record of the Week. Blackburn used to have a bit of a pull, didn't he? Yeah. A bit of influence. Here's something we missed by listening to the track, and maybe we should go back and listen to it because I don't know. It was banned by the BBC when some fragments of lyrics

were deemed to contain references to drugs and homosexuality so the bbc stopped playing it and it failed to chart as a result this is when its initial release in 76 yeah yeah and so that kind of upset the band a little bit and broke them up oh but why would did it chart then in 79 what happened in 1979 was a certain radio dj called kenny Everett took an interest in the song and started playing it a lot on his TV and it says TV in radio shows so maybe he played it

in his Kenny Everett video show thing. It has a very Kenny Everett vibe to it. Because you can imagine it playing in the background as if it's one of his characters. Yeah.

I'm just going to look up if I can find it. Quantum Jump. Lyrics. Lone Ranger. See what they say. I mean, Christ. Now that I'm looking

at the lyrics the words problematic are subtle really is it really bad because like the first line is me Tonto Kimo Sabe me going catchy baddie yeah

I missed all that when I was listening to it but isn't that from the original Lone Ranger show wasn't it terrible find him scalp him eat him up for breakfast real good friend

to Kimo Sabe I don't I mean it is problematic, but I'm not getting any drugs or homosexuality yet. It says smoke pipe of peace, which I can imagine a stuffy British person. No, it's not sucking a cock. It is.

It is around my place. Well, maybe it's your smoke pipe of peace. Oh, do you want to, hey, darling. Smoke the pipe of peace. No, thanks. I've cleaned it. I've cleaned it out. I've scraped the bowl out. Oh, out. I've scraped the bowl out.

Oh, mate. I've scraped the bowl out. So I'm just going to say this trigger warning now if you're sensitive to slurs of any kind, but I do need to read out why. Oh, it's the F slur. No, but why I think the song was banned. Because Pipe of Peace,

I can imagine the stuffy British guy going, oh, that's a drugs pipe. Oh, I see. You know what I mean? Yeah. However, right at the end of the song it says, Tonto never had a woman. Tonto sometimes stop

and wonder what the trip with the great white brother. Maybe ask man if he is a pufter. Okay, that's the drug reference of the Piper piece and that's the homosexuality. Well, it's one of these weird things where now... But the BBC didn't ban it because it was a slur. They banned it because it mentions homosexuality. Well, it's one of these weird things where now... But the BBC didn't ban it

because it was a slur. They banned it because it mentions homosexuality. Because it's suggesting that Tonto fancies the Lone Ranger. What a weird fucking song. Maybe there's context to it

I'm not getting. Maybe it's a satirical piece. Well, it's... That's what I was going to ask you. Do you think this is a novelty? It's on the... It's on the... It's on the fringes

of novelty, isn't it? He smoked pipe of peace with Tonto, put his mask on, back to fronto. I have a feeling. So that is a reference. That is a reference. Maybe Kenny Everett played it a lot because it was on his worst songs of all time. Maybe.

Part of the show, maybe. Ah, maybe it is. Maybe it is. I don't know. Either way, overall, I am going to say Splatter for this because I found it boring. Then when I read the lyrics, I'm like, it's a bit immature. I mean, coming from us but do you agree

I will tell you what I thought Paul but do you agree it is almost post-modern in that it's referencing pop cultural yes it is artifacts

yes we've established that and that happened a lot more going into the 80s Star Trek in the firm etc all of that sort of thing you know it sort of

pre-empts that sort of thing in the novelty world anyway what do you like about it referencing a TV in the novelty world. Anyway, what do you like about it? Because I'm not getting bored. Referencing a TV show. I'm not getting bored. So what do you like? Don't cross your arms at me.

I am. I'm getting bored now. This is educational content. Is it splatter or platter? I'm a splatter. It's a splatter from me. Right. Why?

I like you. I find it dull. You like me? Oh, I don't like you. Especially when you've got your arms crossed to me. I'm cold. Once again, he's killed the mood. He's killed the assassin. I'm going to have to bring up the Backstreet Back song again. No, don't. It. Especially when you've got your arms crossed to me. Cold. Once again, he's killed the mood. He's killed the assassin.

I'm going to have to bring up the Backstreet Back song again. No, don't. It won't make me laugh. No, maybe not. It won't make anyone laugh ever again. Yeah, boring. Problematic, like you say. Even to our ears, Paul.

A bit of a sort of nasty taste in the mouth. It's just, I just think the more I have found out about it, the less I can have found any reason to want to enjoy it. Yeah, so a splatter for me as well, Paul. What's the next tune? What are you looking at? I was looking up

Backstreet Boys songs so I could do more, but I don't, I mean, I don't know. I can't find anything that was like, I want it that way. Tell me who you are.

Tell me what you want. Tell me what you did as long as you love me. I'm trying to make that work into a poo, but I don't know. Just to be serious for a second, I think they had some good hooks, didn't they, the Backstreet Boys? Yeah, they did.

I literally cannot remember one Westlife song. No. Fuck Em. Fuck Em In The Eyes, Westlife. Fuck Em Oh, Westlife In The Eyes. So the songwriting was pretty punchy for them. You know, good 90s pop boy band shit. It's fine.

Hooks. Does what it says on the tin. Got hooks on it. Got big dangly hooks on it. It's got big dangle hooks. Quaffle, quaffle hooks on it. He's doing it. Quaffle, quaffle hooks.

Look, he's... Right, shut up. Here's the next track. Quaffle, quaffle hooks. He's flicking his fucking jean lump. I'm flapping my tajara about. I'm going, quaffle, quaffle hook. No one needs to hear or see that.

Mate, do you want to play my quaffle hook? No, I don't want to quaffle your bluffing off. You can dangleaffle, quaffle hook. No one needs to hear or see that. Mate, do you want to play with my quaffle hook? No, I don't want to quaff your bluffing off. You can dangle off my quaffle hook, mate, any time you want. I've had enough of your quaffle huff.

Quaffle hook. It's me quaffle hook. Oh, yeah? What do you put on it? Meat. Your hook, it's a meat hook then, is it? I dangled one of those

elephant leg kebab things from it. Oh, that, you can't call it elephant leg, Paul. What is it called? It's a doner. It's a doner. I thought they called it

elephant legs because it looks like one. No one says that anymore. Anyway, me elephant's leg hanging off me quaffle hook is all you need to know, all right? No one needs to know that. It's going for our next song, and this one is by Cannon and Ball, and it is Let Your Braces Dangle. Hey, where are we going for our holidays, Tommy, this year? You're going to Blackpool And I'm going to Monte Carlo

Oh, rock on, Tommy, that's great I knew you'd like that I need a holiday I need to fly away I need to feel the sun Away from the rain That lady's dancing by me Down by the sea

Swimming, surfing, sailing So come along with me Let Your Braces Download Let Your Braces Download Download Yes, that was Cannon & Ball with Let Your Braces Dangle. It's about going on holiday, is it? It's interesting. I checked the lyrics for They Are Online. If you go to a website called Kings of Comedy,

for some reason they've broken down the whole Cannon & Ball musical oeuvre. They had a lot of singles out, you think? They had, I think, five or six. But they had a couple of albums as well, a mix and songs paul i have to come clean with you i cannot distinguish within my mind between cannon and ball and little and large they might as well be little and ball and cannon and large little ball large cannon large cannon that's what they say about me no they don't they do they say They say, fucking tiny ball. Large cannon. God, that means your fucking penis

looks like an anteater's head. Well, that's been said as well. Has it? Yes. So you've been intimate with a lady and all of a sudden... Oh no, it was an anteater.

So an anteater came up to you and said, oh, your genitals look like my mate's face. It got on a whole truffle snuffle thing. So does your penis have a little extending tongue

that comes out? It's a whole group of anteaters who... Like that? Is it squirted out like that? They have a little tongue that comes out the tip of your penis have a little extending tongue that comes out? It's a whole group of anteaters who... Like that? Is it squirted out like that? They have a little tongue that comes out the tip of your penis. Not a little tongue. It's a very long tongue to get into those termite mounds and anthills.

Right, so... No, an anteater came up to me and it tried to start mating with my... Anyway, Cannon and Ball. Cannon and Ball. This song. I can't tell the difference. You're not responding to me. Okay, here's the difference, right?

Cannon and Ball do this song. I can't tell the difference. You're not responding to me. Okay, here's the difference, right? Cannon and Ball do sketches and are funny. Little and Large do awkward songs, and then Eddie Large do really bad impressions of out-of-date references like Deputy Fucking Dog. But why do Cannon and Ball not have one who's, like, round and one who's long like a cannon? Well, look, I thought that was the format with these things. Well, no, Little and Large, he's little, isn't he?

He's little and the other's large. Yeah, but they're the exception that proves the rule, if anything else, because, look, I thought that was the format of these things. Little and large. He's little, isn't he? He's little and the others are large. Yeah, but they're the exception that proves the rule, if anything else. Because like Morecambe and Wise, one isn't a fucking beach in the north and the other one isn't just wisdom. Well, that was obviously just their names. Yeah, and Cannon and Ball are their real names. Cannon and Ball is a pun on a cannon and a ball, a cannonball. Yeah, I know they're not their real names, nor are Little and Large not their real names either. But Morecambe and Wise, that was their real names.

Yes. Well, that's the difference then. Griff Rees-Jones and Mel Smith. Smith and Jones. That was their name. You can see that's just Smith and Jones, isn't it? Yeah, so that works out fine for them. Yes, but if you're going to go for one like Pen and Ink, for example.

All right. Or Burger and Buns. Burger and Buns. Actually, hello, I'm Burger and Buns. And I'm Buns. Hello, we're Burger and Buns. We've got some fucking great guys. Hey, let me slip inside you.

I'm a burger. I go in between his buns. Anyway. Oh, a fucking cum. Stop it. Stop doing it. Every fucking character I go, you made a dog cum today.

You made... I never made a dog cum, Paul. You made a dog cum today. I saw you. You played with his quaffle hook. His quaffle hook. No, that was an anteater. Oh.

Did you like the song? Did you like it? I did not like it. I liked it. I don't. It's verging on them doing a Jamaican accent for the singing. No, it's not. If you listen to it properly.

He goes dongle. No, it's because they're northern and they're leaning into the EI up thing. The singing is very bad into it's it sounds and it got it verges on i don't know if it's which one it is cannon or ball but one of them does a proper sort of club style well that'll pruney yeah well that will definitely be bobby no tommy cannon who's the one with the curly long hair long tall guy with the white hair see he has the look of a career criminal he does does. He's fucking Lampia. I get the impression if you fucking crossed him. He looks hard.

You know, like, come in, Mr. Cannon, what do you want? You haven't paid us for that fucking gig. You owe us £500 for that fucking peer show. Now where is it? It's coming now, Mr. Cannon. Do you think they dealt with their own security matters? Maybe. I think they were all laughs, but when they wanted money, they were fucking

bruisers. Did they have their own TV show? Yes a huge one they were hugely successful itv show okay they were going about the same time as little and large i mean it's just it's interesting right because i think they tried to do the legitimate singing double act thing as well because remember the album i brought to you a while ago i think we've had it on the show we're like the first half with sketches of them getting to the recording studio and then they and the b-side is the album I brought to you a while ago? I think we've had it on the show where the first half was sketches of them getting to the recording studio and the B-side is the album, quote unquote. But still with little sketchy bits in between the songs. With little bits, yeah.

The other album that I did, that we did years ago actually, when we talked about Roy J, that was nothing but songs and most of them were just straight covers with a few comedy songs in. Did it have Roy J on it? No, no, no.

Remember we did a Roy J album and we did a Cannon and Ball album. Okay. Because the one we talked about in that episode was the cover of Dr. Hook's Everyone's Getting Famous But Me. Now, what did Cannon and Ball

are they retired now? They're once dead. Bobby Ball died a few years ago and Tommy Cannon, I think, has just retired. I think he did Panto recently. But they, you know, had a dip in the 90s

and then they came back when they had their religious comedy show and they became Christians and stuff. That's the thing. They were born again. And them both finding Christianity helped them to... Prolong their career. Because they hated each other, but then they found Christ, and then they...

I think it was something like that. They forgave each other, I suppose. I presume they did. Well, that's nice. And one day I'll forgive you, and I'll find God. Well, could you find God quickly and then forgive me? Nah, because I don't fancy

finding religion anytime soon or I'm all right on it. I need to have, like, something terrible happen to me in my life and then I find God. Like a murderer man. Oh, sorry.

Sorry, I like God now. You'll have to go to jail, though. Well, you know, no, I'll get off because I'll... Why? Because I've got connections. Have you?

With who? With Tommy Cannon. He'll get me off. How will he that way you'll have to come on right come on i didn't like it paul i liked it but it's interesting that the b-side is a song called remember the stars which is a bit more of a kind what would you even call it it's a bit music hall-y stompy slightly kind of play a bit of that as well. I'll play a bit now. Here we go. Turn on your TV. We're on the air. Just two song or dance, man.

We're no Fred Astaire's. The music plays. And that track was taken from the album Cannonball Together, but the A-side is just existing here. It was a single, lone single. They did it on their TV show. That B-side is very much more of a tune that is sort of selling them as a double act sort of thing. It's like, we're like this, we're not like that.

I almost wonder if it was going to be like their theme for a TV show, but their original one stuck because it was just infinitely better. It has that feel to it. Yeah, I like it. I know I'm a big Cannon and Ball, you know, supporter. You are, aren't you?

Look, here's the thing. Little and Large never did a sketch with Rick Mayall. It's magic TV. But he must have mocked them as part of the old guard. They were part of the old guard to those new alternative comedian guys. True. But I think even,ed them as part of the old guard. They were part of the old guard to those new alternative

comedian guys. True, but I think even, one of the reasons why I think Cannon and Ball endure better than Little and Large is because I think there wasn't an anarchic edge to Cannon and Ball. Yeah. Because Bobby Ball was violent and angry and this that and the other and, you know, Tommy Cannon looked like he was frustrated

and always getting angry and worked up and wound up by the crowd. He'd always be like, she's looking at me. She's looking at me, Tommy. This is what, the one with the curly hair? Yeah. I just think Little and Large were naff, for want of a better phrase. And you don't think Cannon and Ball were naff?

I think they were restricted in all the same ways like entertainment, comedy, double acts were at the same time. But I do think they had an edge, which gave them, I think, a bit more of a... A bit more classy as performers, you think? Well, I would argue you can compare Sketch with Little and Large

and Cannon and Ball and most Cannon and Ball ones would be better written and conceived but you know much of a muchness really at this point but I'm sorry

I'm getting to the type of age now Paul where I can't really reform new connections in my memory banks so forever Cannon and Ball and Little and Large

will be in the same drawer in the old head you know in the old head in the old head, you know? In the old head. In the old pork laureate. In the old pork laureate head. I'm not going to give it a... You're going to go splatter with it.

I'm going to go splatter. I'm sorry, Paul. I have to be honest to my heart, true to myself. It's not about having an agreement between us both on a single. We should have. Different of opinion. Yeah, but it has a charm for you because you like the performance. Is that what you're saying?

It is. I do like it. And I do like Let Your Braces Dangle because it's daft. It's a song about Bobby Ball only imagining going Mork and Pier or Blackpool or whatever. And Tommy Cannon's like, I be fur in Tanzaroti or whatever it's called.

So it's also kind of... Tanzaroti. Tanzaroti. What am I getting confused there? Tanzania. Tanzania and Pavarotti. No, Lanzaroti. Oh, Lanzaroti. Isn't it Lanzaroti? Yeahoti what am I getting confused there Tanzania Tanzania and Pavarotti no Lanzaroti oh Lanzaroti

isn't it Lanzaroti yeah yeah yeah you know what I heard about Lanzaroti what Lanzaroti well that was pretty good

let's go into our final track now and our final track okay that's our first one that's a platter from anyone I guess so far

so we're not doing very well on enjoying these records nah not very well but here's our final one and maybe maybe

it'll be the one we both adore spoiler warning it won't be at all it's probably the worst one probably the worst one they should have done

this first I just thought it'd be interesting to save it till last but I'm mistaken anyway anyway moving swiftly on

shut your fucking mouth this is Kate Kestrel with SOS. Calling international rescue. International rescue, do you read me? International rescue, coming your way. We need help. I turn my face into the wind.

I feel a restless kind of motion in the way she blows. And as the final day begins I make a fist of white and fingers till the feeling goes I never felt so much alone I face a destiny unknown The human race is in despair One man alive can take us there SOS Mr Tracy, the Western world is falling

SOS International rescue, hear us calling SOS I turn my face up to the sky. I feel a wall of pressure building up inside. So you may be wondering, who's fucking Kate Kestrel then when she's at home? Well, it's the second record on today's episode

that has a TV show tie-in. It is. This is taken... Oh, maybe. What? Could we say that Cannon & Ball is a TV show tie-in? It's not directly, is it? I don't think any... I mean, that? And it's not directly, is it?

I don't think any... I mean, that song was performed on their show But it doesn't reference their show as such Well, no This is taken from in-universe Yes, The Lone Ranger was a TV show Oh, yeah, there's a theme, actually Lone Ranger Didn't The Lone Ranger use...

Didn't it use that? I'm sure it used that. Bobly off. Right. Bobly off. Can we get to this? Fuck me. We can't because I'm too erudite and interesting.

I've got so much to say on all sorts of subjects. And here I come again. Coming. Stop coming. You've came so much today. You should be firing dust. Oh, I'm empty. It's a dog. It's a dog. It's's not me he's very horny and has the world record dog bollocks world record dog bollocks you've heard

it here first so kate kestrel the song is sos and it's taken from the tv show you may know terror hawks terror hawks was a 1980s jerry show. Now, Thunderbirds, right? We all know Gerry Anderson's Thunderbirds. He did puppets. Super marionation, he called it. He invented the technique of super marionation, which was... Because marionettes aren't new. But that sounds like something you'd do, like Delia Smith would do to a chicken thigh.

Super marinate it. Right, I'm going to go and leave. Why? Because you're not... That's fucking gold. I'm really warming up today now. Right, well, good, we're nearly at the fucking show, so well done. Supermarinate this in a bit of your fanny sauce. Right, okay.

My poor laureate needs some supermarinating. Shut up. So, let me just finish the fact. He did that, but also he did have a couple of live action shows as well that he did, TV shows. Space Precinct, I think, was one. And Space 1999. And UFO, was that live action?

No. Yes, it was, but I don't know if that was him. That was him. Was it? Yeah. Because I've got those records, those fan records. The thing is, is that it seems with Terrorhawks, it was just them stuck in a rut because they weren't having successes.

After Thunderbirds, Captain Scarlet was all right but didn't do amazingly well. Joe 90 was a bit of a flop. The TV shows didn't last that long. He must have been relatively successful because he kept making stuff for year after year.

Yeah, but after Terrorhawks, that was it. Terrorhawks was kind of out of time in many respects in that it was the same formula as Thunderbirds except now set in the future

in Battle of the Aliens and it would have been on our television sets at the same time as things like He-Man and all those those Sunday morning

yeah and it just felt maybe it just felt a little bit outdated compared to those cartoons all the things that were getting popular

around that time Inspector Gadget stuff like that I mean I don't I mean when was Terrorhawks? It was like 80s, right? Mid-80s? I think early 80s. 83, around there. I don't know. Look on your phone. Let's get to the

song. It's more important. Terrorhawks was a fucking show about aliens. But this is a character in the show, who's a musician in the show. So like you say, it's in universe. Right, I'll fucking read the website, you bastard. Right, okay. So if I go to the fandom.com page for terror hawks in general jerry anderson stuff has a lot of fandom to the extent like i

said i've mentioned it before the music was so popular to fans that they actually got together and made a record label yeah to put out some of the music and that all came off the back of the nostalgia wave of it in the mid 90s right you know like fucking it appeared on blue peter again and there was that dance record with uh which we had on the thunderbirds thing which we discussed before on it on addition of uh silverman's platters but that popularity only came well after terror hawks had died after i think there's even one season either way so the character of kate kestrel whose real name in the show was katherine wesley is the pilot of the egg section of hawk wing the Terrahawks atmospheric fighter aircraft and an international recording artist at the same time.

Well, you've got to, you know, keep your fingers in a lot of different pies. Her record company is called Anderber Records, a portmanteau of Anderson and Burr. I don't know where Burr comes from. The idea was in universe in Terrahawks, Kate Castro was a pop singer, superstar music producer. And so SOS...

Appeared on an episode called Monster Something. And they released it as a single. Now, the actress who played the role was called Anne Ryder, but the singer, and who we've got on here, is a lady called Moira Ruskin,

and she sang as Kate Castro in the show. Castro. Yeah, Castro was a beer. Castro is a GTI. GTI. Good for oiling your cars or something junk up and then perhaps and when if you wanted to wank something yeah possibly yeah

keep going with that um so officials singing voice and what was the in the video that went along with this because they released us as a pop video to play on top of the pops so uh moya is it m-o-y-a moya moya yeah it's not Moyra. Moyra is M-O-Y-R-A. I know, I just realised that. So, was a singing voice, performed in the video SOS, which is what you just heard now. She also performed several songs as Kate Kestrel and portrayed Kate in person. So she had to turn up in real life.

She did like promo things. Yeah, because she's on the back of the record with the same look as her. And the puppet, the super marionette is at the front. Yeah, and she's on the back using the same kind of wig and stuff. They look very similar. Pink wig. She also appeared in The Wide Awake Club, Agatha Christie's Poirot, The Bill, Prime Suspect, Julian the Cadillac.

This is the singer we're talking about. Okay, so they had an acting career as well. The lyrics for the song SOS that she performs mention Mr. Tracy and International Rescue. Yeah, which is Thunderbirds. Which is referenced to Thunderbirds specifically. Why wouldn't you reference... Yeah, isn't... That's kind of cool.

In-universe. Now, Thunderbirds exists and Terrahawks in the same universe. It's kind of cool, isn't it? But, well, it would have been several decades in the past because in-universe,

this character was born in 96, weren't they? Yes, because the show was set in the future but the show came out in the 80s. So she's not... She'd been 95 2005

15 so almost she'd be almost 30 today yeah oh it appeared in an episode both um the a side and the terrible slow ballad on the flip i'm not going i'm not going to play it right now no don't play it is just oh but that also was an in-universe song that appeared uh in an episode as well yeah a different episode yeah i imagine all everything that was released to come because even this record is on the same fictional label ab okay so they created a record label to sell this it was all in universe correct i have another seven inch which is on that same label same blue uh actual label on the record which has the terror hawks theme on uh the a and then it has and it has excerpts from the terror hawks or vet no it's called variations on the terror theme on the

other side which is much more interesting and what does that mean that just like it does a bit it kind of goes on a journey and it has no it's not clips it's one piece and it sort of goes on a journey so it plays the theme but then it plays like bits of incidental music and stuff and like 83 so many, it's weird because the problem with Anderson shows at that time was that he was trying to make them more adult. You know, they were trying to make them more realistic. So you get this really uncanny valley thing with the mannequins.

And that might have worked for Thunderbirds when it was quaint. But in 83, it's kind of like, oh, it's creepy and weird. But there's obviously a fandom for Thunderbirds as well. I mean for... Terrorhawks. Terrorhawks as well. I used to like it. it but then like i said to you before i just wanted one of those big ball robot things the ball robots were cool design was pretty cool yeah sweet but yeah you think a bit uh past its sell-by date by then i think his brand was and i think he was locked

into that and he didn't know how to develop it and so but you know they brought that was the last major tv show he did then i want to say i, I mean, I think he also did Mike Hammer. Okay. Anderson did that. Mike Hammer with the robot. The robot detective thing. Yeah. I think they did that.

I thought that was Aardman for years, but no, I think that was him. Interesting. Could have suffered. I mean, it's not a very good record in terms of the song itself. It's fine, but it sounds like a generic version of anything else that was out at the time. And probably suffered hugely from sharing a title with one of ABBA's biggest hits. Oh, yeah. Which is a great song.

A great pop song. You know? So it suffers by comparison there, doesn't it? You know, it's no fuzzbox calling international rescue, put it that way. And also, they use a lot of different instruments, but it kind of nothing... It's like they threw a load of shit at the wall, and it's got terrible cheesy brass bits

in it yeah but this is what I say it sounds like every 80s song ever almost it's got that vibe but the ballad on the flip

is even more more generic and terrible I'll say this though it gets a partial platter from me not gonna give it a platter it's gonna be a splatter

but it's gonna get an honorary platter for being a weird unique thing in that it's a record in universe in a a TV show, where the label itself is also the label within the TV universe. So it's kind of like... It's making an effort. It is interesting.

But isn't that essentially what the Monkees were? Because they released real records, but then they were fictional banned in the TV show. But again, but they didn't release... It wasn't a Monkees label, was there? No. You know what I mean? It's like it wasn't it was a

fictional music company yeah as far as I know there wasn't a fictional musical company that they worked for in the

show that they released no I don't think there was yeah like Big Bother Big Bother the record

producer no that's right and in the show didn't they wasn't it sort of ahead of its time in the in the Monkees

show they just go into a song yeah as if in their real life like a musical like a musical yeah I believe

it was like that so like a bit like a music video rather than like these are actually singers in the universe. So does that mean Terrorhawks is better than the Monkees? No. No. Of course not.

We finally answered the question on everybody's lips. Is Terrorhawks better than the Monkees? And the answer, Eli, is no. No. You've heard it here first. For me, it is a splatter as well, Paul. The music, it's not very good, it is a splatter as well, Paul. The music's not very good. It's a splatter for me, but again, an honorary platter for...

Its interesting existence. Yes, for its existence in itself. And unfortunately, that's all we've got time for. I'll get the dog then. Is it? Time for the bruiser. No, they're going home. They've gone home.

So's fucking Robot Man. What the fuck is his name? We had a few new characters. We had Meat and Buns or whatever it's called. What was his name? Burger and Buns. Yeah, it's a great name. Burger and Buns. We'll work on that for next week.

We're not going to do the dog. I just want to end. I know, but you always say this. Don't you think it makes our listeners feel like you don't want to spend time with them? But I can't tell them the real reason, can what's the real reason that i want to go booby i've been sitting on this nugget of well we don't want the nugget of discomfort to make an appearance like it did that time oh my god i've shat again i don't want that mate i don't want it i don't want it you don't want back streets uh back i don't care who you are don't care what you do don't want it. You don't want Backstreet's back. I don't care who you are.

Don't care what you do. Don't care where you wipe. Just poo in my toilet. Who you are. Where you're from. This episode has made me... Please poo in my toilet. Realise that I actually like the Backstreet Boys.

Yeah. Weird how you grow up and you discover things like that. Eli Silverman, Backstreet Boys fan. You've hit it here first. I bet they've got a really active fan base still. Yeah, well, you can join it. You can be a Batboy, Backstreet Boy. I don't...

Eli Silverman, the Backstreet Boy. No, because you'd have to be in the band to be a Backstreet Boy. So what are their fans called? Backers. Backstreet Lovers. Yeah, I'm a Backstreet Lover. Yeah. I'm a Backstreet lover yeah i'm a backstreet lover i got a heart on you believe it it's like no other i've spunked out my heart

here we go so today today's show has been brought to you by paul doing shit gags and eli doing spunk i think we've hit the nail on the head but thank you very much for listening we're going to do the wrap up now I'm doing it now I'm going to stop it we've got sunshine for a rainy day we've got music and a special word to say on Radio Wildlife

just for you what do you want to say just thank you for listening everyone thank you for listening and supporting us in any way you find again we're on many apps we're an independent podcast if you can find your way to giving us a review leaving a comment especially on good pods or spotify you can do that now or

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We're working on some fun stuff for you. But if you want to get involved, patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show. Give what you can, but only if you can. And that's it, mate. We're done now. Could I just plug the radio show? Yes, he does his Soho radio. House of Pickles sound show will be this Sunday

so well that makes no sense from when this comes out on the Friday well then there's no point

just say you do a show fortnightly on no it's fine and Soho radio and if you miss it there's a catch up

thing 2 till 4 Soho radio you can just go to their website and go click the listen live button

the House of Pickles sound show and you can see me in Run For Your Wife at Wiccan Pier from February... Wiccan Pier? Wiccan Pier. Where the fuck is that? Well,

people who live in Wiccan Pier will know, won't they? I don't think that's a real place, Paul. Anyway... Wiccan Pier sounds like a folk horror set on the seaside. Have you been to Wiccan Pier? Don't go there. The maids of the sea come and they've got seaweed fannies. Anyway, I'll be in... Sea fanny fannies. Anyway, I'll be in route of...

Seaweed fanny! I'll be in run for your wife. Seaweed fanny. Shut up saying seaweed fanny. It's not necessary. I don't want to hear you... Half of what we say isn't necessary. That's true. The whole show isn't necessary. Let's just fucking stop then. Okay. Bye. ¶¶ © transcript Emily Beynon