CheapShow - Ep 369: The Sounds of London 2024

Episode Date: February 2, 2024

A long time ago, CheapShow was sent an unusual 7” vinyl record called The Sounds of London. The record contained an audio snapshot of the sounds of Britain’s capital in 1967. It’s a fascinating collage of iconic sounds and environmental background noises, offering a unique peek into the past. Rather than talk it about it on a Silverman’s Platter segment, Paul & Eli decided to go out into the centre of London to try and recreate it instead! This week, they’ll race around with their portable recording kit and try and collect as many modern takes of the original vinyl as possible. The Cheap Chaps will zip from Trafalgar Square, to Waterloo, back to Piccadilly Circus and on towards Fleet Street grabbing all the sounds they can! Will they be magnificently successful or will they completely cock it up? It’s a walkabout adventure that takes in bird dirt, arguments with elevators, a lucky break with the bells of St. Clements and a grotty plan to abuse a street performer! It’s the Sounds of London 2024 in the only way CheapShow knows how. Thanks to @vorratony for the special art this week! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-369-the-sounds-of-london-2024 And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter/X @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid www.thecheapshow.co.uk Now on Threads: @cheapshowpod Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Welcome to London, city of pageantry and unique sound. Hello, London. City of pageantry and unique sound. London, a bustling metropolis of people, places, vehicles, and those going about their nine to five. Join us as you witness the sounds of London. Hello, I'm Paul Gannon. This is Eli Silverman. Hi. Going about their nine to five?

Yeah. I thought that's like an office-based job, usually. Yeah. Going about their job would have worked better. Sorry, I don't mean to start this on a negative. Hello, everyone. I'm Eli Silverman. London. City of pageantry. What are we doing? And unique sound.

Why are we here, Paul? Good question, why are we here? No, I didn't mean... Is it God? Is it the tadpole space mutants? I didn't mean it as an existential question of why humanity exists and is able to comment on itself. I was talking more about why you and me are here and recording sound. There's a little lead in.

Well Eli, tell me about this thing that we're doing today. So Eli is a collector of vinyl. We all know this, you all know this, we all know this. But what's that got to do with what we're doing today? Well Eli, tell us about what you're holding in your hands. In my hand, Paul, I have a... It's a seven-inch single, The Sounds of London. It's a souvenir record, ready to post. And this is why you've got this strange little flap on the back. And in fact, it's got a little sort of postcard outline on the inner.

So you're meant to do this, put the address there and then send it to someone. This is what I heard in London, everybody. These are the sounds of London, mother. I made it in the big city and I'm sending it to you now. It's quite a nice item. I think this was sent to us. Was it? Yes.

If that was you listening and you sent us the sounds of London, thank you. We've been sitting on it for a while, and now we're going to use it for this week's Walkabout edition of the Cheap Show podcast. We're doing a whole episode based on it. What year is it? 67. 1967.

So we were thinking, you know what it needs? An update. This is out of date now for various reasons, so we thought, why don't we go into London and we try and make new versions of the sounds we find on that record and that's the plan today really we're going to go around good old central london collecting sounds uh and uh we're going to compare them is that right the original yeah at the end of a segment when we've collected the sound

you're going to hear the original. She's starting again. What song is this? I don't know, I can't hear because I'm too busy talking. It's David Bowie, isn't it? Major Tom. Yeah, there's a lot of buskers here. What he was doing before was, don't stand so close to me by the police.

I wish he was, don't sing so fucking stupidly. And then the police arrest her. The satire of Eli Silverman. Yeah, because we're starting today in Trafalgar Square. The satire of Eli Silverman. We're starting today in Trafalgar Square. You might be able to hear, above the horrendous John Lewis advert rendition, you might be able to hear the soothing tinkle of the famous, what they refer to as the giant fountains. No, it just says the fountains in there the giant fountains no it just says the big dick energy fountains no you're right in 1967 they wrote big dick energy sounds here we go where is it um there we go jafaga square the great great fountains and they

are great the thing is famously europe is big on really elaborate fountains, and Britain wasn't so much, which is why this. These fountains here are a little bit kind of, eh. But are they? They're great, aren't they? What's wrong with them? They are great in terms of, you know, size, but in terms of design, it's just a big squirt of water coming out of a dish, isn't it? It's a nice dish, though, and a nice squirt of water.

Anyway, at this point in the podcast, water coming out of a dish isn't it it's a nice dish though and a nice squirt of water anyway at this point in the podcast i should put the uh put some music in to signal the official beginning okay you do that paul ladies and gentlemen welcome to cheap show um the sounds of london edition 2024 come with us as we collect the collage of sound that fucking singing's doing my head in i tell you what, though, Paul. I think the last time I was down here, this close to the Great Fountains, was during the...

You're going to go off on a fucking anecdote. Right, welcome to the... I'm going to do it. Let's save it before we get back. Save this good stuff. Ladies and gentlemen. Is it good? Is it valued?

No, well then, don't lie to us. Don't lie to everyone about what you think of my stuff. You don't want to hear it at all, do you? Not really, no. You don't want to hear, what's the point of coming out to London and we don't tell anecdotes? Well, let's just get into the music first.

I'm not getting into this music. Not that hair music. This is like a John Lewis advert from a few years ago. Lana dull, Raymore-like. That's not... That's all right. It's all right John Lewis advert from a few years ago. Lana Dolray, more like. That's not... That's all right. It's all right, isn't it? Billy, um... Billy Borish.

Billy Borish. There we go. And we're back. We haven't lost a step. Welcome to Cheap Show, the sounds of London. so And so here we are, starting our walk through London to capture the sounds of London. And we're starting at Trafalgar Square, under Nelson's Column, in front of the great, great, great fountains why so you're saying they called them the great fountains because they're going to they were trying to say to the rest of europe hey we do fountains uh they're great and they would have said actually no it's not as interesting as the

ones in italy or france or germany aren't they or no they're far more elaborate than ones in europe you look at this like an average arrangement of fountains in some way of note in Europe. And they're much more elaborate and ornate. And here it's basically like two big spurts and a man holding a dolphin who's throwing up. He looks like he's... Oh, there's two of them. Oh, there's a mermaid there. Why have I never noticed that? Yeah, it's a mermaid and a merman holding vomiting dolphins.

Why is his bum coming into the do you see the way his bum splits so one half's a cheek and the other half's a tail that's no good that's not like that's an asymmetrical merman and every time you shit gonna throw you off it's not it's not a way to be i've just put my hand in bird shit good luck for. Oh, don't put your hand in there, Paul. He's washing it off in the fountain. In the fag-ass fountain. I've put it in shit. Don't look at me. You wipe it on the air, hey!

Anyway. You've washed it off in the fountain juice of 7,000 tramps' pisses. Okay, so what shall I do? Just have bird shit on my fingertips for the rest of the day? Use it as an exfoliant. Can I? It's meant to be good luck, isn't it? It's good luck, and I think that bodes well for today's journey.

We're going to get all the sounds. You can hear the fountain. In a minute, we're going to do clean sounds, and at the end of every segment where we visit a location, you're going to hear the original sounds of London Record followed by our new interpretation. And you can see how it's changed over the years. Are we getting a bit of a splish-splash off the wind

blowing the fountain juice into my face? It's in the face right now. Paul, another little thing. People obviously throw coins into pools like this all over the world to luck, but look, you can see the rings where the coins have rusted onto the paving at the base of the fountain pool. And that's kind of symbolic, isn't it? The money getting sucked out of London itself. There's only a ring where value used to be,

an empty ring on the bottom of a pool. I'll take a photo of that. He's going to take some photographs. You see the ones I made? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They look like little diseases, like little ringworm diseases on the bottom of the pool right okay so are you okay yeah you just take a picture of the the ringworm disease coins and i'm just going to tell everyone what our route is so um yes we are

going through london replacing the sounds from the vinyl with our new sounds today and uh we've got quite the route as we journey on some of the locations that we've noticed so we're going to go to Trafalgar Square, Big Ben, Waterloo, a tube platform, Carnaby Street, Soho, Piccadilly and along the way seeing if we can grab any new sounds too. I looked up the company that made this sonolog and this whole thing of theirs was to make audio recordings as postcards um so real you would think you were there it says and we're hoping that our cheap show version of it uh will also um make you think you're in london or something i don't know um right so uh what did you we talked about a bollock for a bit, and we talked about a building,

and I'm not interested in going back to that, even though you didn't record it. I tell you what, that merman is deformed. Why would you want a tail coming out half your butt? Oh, look, it's got a little seagull on it, and he's going to do a poo on his head. Is he? I reckon so. We've got a good vantage point on that seagull's arse. We've got a classic shot of a seagull's shitty bollock. I'm upskirting that gull.

Upskirting a gull. All right. Where are we heading off to first, Paul? Well, we're going to start here at Trafalgar. We're going to create some sounds, and then we're going to go down to Big Ben. Are you going to be able to get the sound without that interminable singing?

No, no, no. But unfortunately, these are the sounds of London. These are the sounds you will hear if you come to Trafalgar Square in the year of Anno Domini 2024. I was here when there was a riot, Paul, and I tried to... There was a big line. You see the entrance to Whitehall at the bottom,

at the south end of the square? There was a whole line of police across and then they went oh and then it all started charging up and i was like fuck i've literally had to avoid getting charged by a bunch of police what was the what was what was happening what was the riots or whatever it was around it was around the time of those riots in 2011 oh when the whole country went yeah right well it was before then. But what were they protesting about then? I seem to remember it was something like

an unfair police altercation with a black youth or something. But there was also, around that time, there was the whole Occupy... God, my hands smell of bird shit and there's a chlorine going on. I feel quite nauseous. It was around the Occupy movement. Do you remember the Occupy movement?

Yeah. Yeah. Occupy, Wall Street. And all of that. It was around then. I think it may have been in Occupy, but there was some proper punky anarchists down here all burning shit in the square.

And my girlfriend at the time was taking photographs and I was like, I don't really want to, you know, I don't feel safe. But she was like getting right into it. to you know i don't feel safe but she was like getting right into it and then we decided to leave like i say and got charged by the police at the bottom it was quite frightening but it seems very much more controlled than it was even back then well that was over quite quiet today actually considering what day is it it's monday as we record this it's gonna be probably the the quietest day of the week. Probably a good time to check it.

What's she singing now? Oh Oh Oh With or without you With or without poo. See what I did? Mazinger. Everyone knew

what was coming there. It was poo was coming. Did you take a picture of the deformed, vomiting dolphin mer-man thing? Yes, I did. I think that's shoddy. That really lets down the whole rest of the fountain. It's not that great, is it? They should have had a little smaller fountain here. I mean, it is a smaller fountain, but they should have had a smaller one of those.

Yeah. You know? Yeah. A dish. Look at his face. He looks like the... He did a drop in... You see it? Oh, he's done. He's done one. He's done one. Oh, I missed it a dish because he's look at his face he looks like them he did a drop in you see it it's just he's done he's done one he's done oh he looks sheepish he doesn't look sheepish he looks gullish right look at the faces it's like the monkey christ the faces on

these so why would you why is that like so now so we've got a vomiting you know and it's just spitting. Look at the guy in profile, the merman in profile. Don't you think his face is a bit badly sculpted? It's all a bit kind of lopsided or something. The whole thing is lopsided. But here's the thing. It's like, OK, let's build a fountain where there's water coming out.

Who's got the ideas? Yeah, I'm really big on vomiting dolphins and weird mer babies. Because it's got two legs and each leg becomes a fish. Now that's pretty cool. I mean, if I was going to go for one fish adaption, I'd go for that little... Two legs but both have little fish. I've never seen that in the movies.

Is that some kind of eel on the bottom there? It's a shell. They're in a shell. No, no, above the shell. That does look like a moray eel that's sucking off the larger merman doesn't it

it's clamped onto his junk the other thing is this the fact it has engraved into the flesh of the dolphin

and the eel are pictures of fish and shells you see that's a strange thing do you like that if you can't see the view

of a strange statue that's a moray eel wait what there's a sign there what's it saying no entry so you can't get in it you're not allowed to get in it no because people do on very hot days don't they yeah i did it i did it once on a hot day you know we had that big heat wave about a decade or so ago. I was down here and I went splishy-splashy and then there was lots of coppers saying, oh, get out.

They got you out. Yeah, but it wasn't just me. You're not allowed to climb on the... The big lions. Big lions are cool. You can't even do that. Now look, there's a big sign saying don't climb the lions. You can't climb the lions.

That's the fun part. I know. That's my point about it all being... The pedestrianisation is good, but it all gets really controlled. part. I know. That's my point about it all being... The pedestrianisation is good, but it all gets really controlled. Yeah. The space. Yeah.

So, all right, bollocks. So, OK, so now, before we move on, we're going to take a sample of this sound and you're going to hear it up against the version that exists on the vinyl. One thing. Yeah. Those four lions,

that's exactly how I used to picture Aslan when my dad was reading the Chronicles of Narnia to me. Yeah, when I look at them, I think of the lions you see at the beginning of Ghostbusters outside the New York Public Library. Yes, and that is a sort of... almost a thematic foreshadowing of the dogs later. Well, isn't it quite? Because the dogs do start off as statues at one point, don't they?

On top of the building in Central Park. That's the form that Goza takes for them? Okay. Again, so they shouldn't be in that new film, should they? No, the dogs would be, but yeah, where did they come from? Yeah. Exactly. And they came with a big hole in the ground, which no one spoke about.

It's not quite as... We're not here to talk about Ghostbusters Afterlife. If you're interested, me and Eli did a commentary for it, and you can hear it if you're a Patreon supporter. That's all they need to know. Right. did a commentary for it and you can hear it if you're a Patreon supporter. That's all they need to know. Right, let's now take a snapshot of sound from where we are in Trafalgar Square and we're going to move on to our next location. Great fountains play in Trafalgar Square.

Weird dolphin fountains vomit in Trafalgar Square. So where are we now? We're just passing one of the ends of St James' Park. Yes, we decided not to go straight down Whitehall to get to Big Ben from Trafalgar Square. Instead we skirted round the back cutting through St James' Park to get to Big Ben from Trafalgar Square. Instead, we skirted round the back, cutting through St James' Park with Horse Guards Parade back there on our left. And now we're getting to the end of the park. We're going to take another left, rejoin...

No, we can go round there. Come round here. So we're basically almost at Westminster Square. What's it called, Westminster Square? I don't know. Parliament Square? Parliament don't know. Parliament Square. Parliament Square. Parliament Square.

But we did see a lovely little, what I'm referring to as the Pond Keeper's House in St James' Park. And do you know what? There was a little thing where you can donate a fiver to the Royal Parks, contactlessly. Fuck off!

Why don't we pay for the fucking royals with the taxes already? Can't the fucking royals keep their own fucking parks going? No, because the royals take and they don't give. What they think they give is their existence to the British identity. But do you know, am I alone in thinking that's just a bit rich?

Yeah, no, you're right. Asking people to support their fucking park. Anyway, this is what always, I mean this is what fucking bugged me about him in particular, King Charles, right, is that he was like, when he was younger he got the impression he was going to revolutionise how royalty was seen, and a modern royal family. And then he gets it, he's like, no I want gold, I want a carriage, I want the fucking best finery. Yeah, well he's in his 70s, isn't he?

Yeah, because he's a big fucking useless fucking cunt. Here we go. We've caught sight of our next destination. We have indeed. Big Ben. We're walking up towards the biggest... Well, in fact, it's not. What's it called, the tower?

Elizabeth Tower was what it was called in 2000 or around about the Jubilee or whatever it was. It was renamed. It was renamed. I think it was just called the Bell Tower before then. Oh, I see. But it was renamed as Elizabeth Tower and the Big Ben is the bell. Famously, it's just the bell, not the clock face.

That's what I call my dick, mate. I call it Gannon's Tower with the bell at the end. You know what I mean? Yeah. Big Gannon at the end. You know what? Dong. Dong.

I'm grinding my hips in public and making a dong sound. Does anyone want to know what I call my dick? Uh, little cheap boy. No, does anyone want to know what I call my dick? Uh, little cheap boy. No, does anyone want to know what I call my dick? Do you? Are you listening at home wanting to know what Eli calls his dick? I'm just listening. They've all said no. No, they said yes, and do you know what it is called? This is my private name. This is the secret smile that only I know.

Oh, yes. It's called, uh, Ember McPhee. Ember McPhee? Yes, and it has a little hat. If he's a good boy. And what was it? A great computer antivirus piece of software as well. McPhee with a PH, not with an F. You haven't done a big crime and gone off on the run and gone mad. No.

Did you watch that documentary? That was cool. He was psychotic. So what time is it now? Oh, it's five to three, which means... So we'll get the bells. We can get the bells. We have timed it brilliantly. It's almost as if we planned it. We need to maybe be on the foot of the bridge to get right under

the Big Ben bell. We need to get right under the bell. We want the bongs belling out. I want to be under the hood, mate. I want to be right under the hood of Big Ben. Oh, this is cool. As it ejaculates its sound. Westminster Abbey on the right. We're entering Parliament Square now. Yeah, we're entering Parliament Square. And, er, should we go to that, yeah, the corner by the station,

tube station entrance, right? That's probably going to be the best sound. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That's where the station entrance is. But, you know, either way, a couple of minutes anyway. So that's the next... We were walking down Great George Street just then. Yeah.

But this is the square. You can get a Lego telephone booth now. I might get one of those. Oh, do you know what I got, which I didn't show you? One of those Lego mugs. It's like a mug. One solid bit of Lego. A mug?

Yeah. I thought you said monk. No. I was like, what's a Lego monk? I bet you could get Lego monks, though, with the little... Yeah, yeah, yeah. With the Capuchin bald head thing. So what's that little white church there, then?

That's, I think... I don't know. It's always there. Westminster Abbey Art. I think it's called Westminster Church or something like that. Right, OK. It's very rarely spoken about, that church. I'm going to Google Lens it.

Well, we've only got a few minutes before we have to get the clean sound of the bell, so let's not forget that. But, yeah, House of Parliament there. Biggest Venice. I mean, to most tourists, this is the centre of London, right? It's the old London. It's the old London with all the iconography.

We've got Westminster Station there. Downing Street up the road, all that kind of shit. St Margaret's, Westminster. St Margaret's. And what happens in St Margaret's? So it's a little church and it's right in front of Westminster Abbey, which is a big one. That must be like if you build a small coffee shop

and then Starbucks opens next door. Oh, we had a nice little church here and starbucks opens next next door you know we're a nice little church here now westminster abbey's gonna fucking stuck up a big building probably 100 years between them nah mate nah if that was the vicar i'd be saying down with big church there's too much big church action all right we're coming up to the big bend sounds now so we're going to sign off position ourselves ourselves and get ready. It's going way back, founded in the 12th century. Oh, wow, OK. So, yeah, we're going to position ourselves under the bell now

and then we're going to create that sound. So let's make our way. Let's make our way. Oh, cross the road. That pub there, the Red Lions, when I first told my smirting joke... Christ. ..connoisseurs of my oeuvre...

If you put a fucking blue plaque there, then. Eli Silverman once did his smirk joke here for the first time. Which is completely so out of date now, because we're talking on the day that the ban of... Oh, shut up, shut up, shut up about your fucking career. No, the ban of the vapes came in. Oh. Today.

All right, it's not interesting. Right, we're crossing over. We're going to do the bell now. My smirting joke was a reference to the smoking ban, which had come in quite recently. The bell's about to go off. Shut up. Shut up. Big Ben, timekeeper for the world. © BF-WATCH TV 2021 Big Ben, the timekeeper of the world, but mostly London. Salt. You know, it's funny, because of years and years of ITV News at Ten, every time I hear the big Ben bongs...

You feel like the news is going to start. Yeah, I feel like, Tony Major has been fired from the Prime Minister's role. Blah, blah, blah. And famously... Tony Major? Tony Major? Yeah, you've meld Blair and... Major.

And Major, haven't you? Tom Major. Tom Major? What's his name? John Major. We're on the north foot of Westminster Bridge, right at the foot of Elizabeth Tower, as it's called now, the tower that houses Big Ben. And look at the beautiful, ornate Westminster Palace.

Are they closing this all down soon? Because it's unfit for purpose now. They're trying, because it costs something ridiculous to maintain this building as a working building year after year. It's like something like £100,000 a year just on the electrics or something like that, I heard. Don't quote me. But look at the baroque.

I just love the ornamentation when you look up close. Look at the kings and their little alcoves and this cloistered bit just by us here. Do you see the cloisters there? It is an amazing building, but they're talking about putting the whole of Parliament basically in a business park somewhere. Would you be apt? Because that's what politics is to me these days.

It's a bunch of people in suits talking as if they're in a fucking work conference. Yes. Why do you think the cloisters are in a grey and yet the structure behind them, which is part of the same structure, is much more yellow? Is that pollution, do you think? No,ters are in a grey and yet the structure behind them, which is part of the same structure, is much more yellow? Is that pollution?

No, it's just the brickwork. It's a different type of brick. Yeah. What I love, though, is when this was first built way back when, they still hadn't fixed the sewerage out in London, so everyone in this would have been stinking of shit. This whole building would have been reeking of shit

and effluents. That was just pits of it. Yeah, because it was all just sitting on the fucking Thames slide. Well, that's famously what led Basiljet to build a sewer system. Was the stink, wasn't it? The Great Stink.

Was that predated the Great Stink? I believe it does, because I think the whole the only reason it got done at all was because the politicians who had to sit right next to it were like, oh, now it's a problem for us because we live outside of London. Yeah, yeah. So now we're walking across... Which is this bridge? Westminster.

This is Westminster Bridge? I believe so, yes. And they see the London Eye there, rip-off. That's the thing, you can't even do a sound effect for the London Eye, can you? That used to be the GLC building. GLC? Yeah? What's that? Greater London Council, which was banned. I thought it was Goldie Looking Chain.

Goldie Looking Horn? Goldie Looking Horny Chain. Oh, the cross in the bridge, where is our next stop? I believe our next stop is Waterloo. I can double check if you want. Big Ben, Waterloo, it says next on our itinerary of sounds to collect. Yeah, so let's walk up here by the side of the river. Well, we can't... We can't do that now.

And then take that bridge up, the parasitic bridge, alongside the rail bridge, because that takes as much... Oh, you want to go that? OK, you want to walk... OK, got it, got it, got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's up there. Fine, I'm down with that.

We're walking along the river a bit rather than crossing it westwards. Because you just get into a hellhole on the other side of this bridge. Yeah, no, you're right. And it's also kind of nondescript as well. Yeah. Why is people crossing the road? I don't understand what's going on. Is it safe?

Is there no lights here? Oh, there's no lights working. The lights seem to be out. God. Right, we'll see you in a bit. We're going to go for a little wander. See you in a bit for our next sound snap. Someone's had a fag in here.

Did you press the button to go on? Yeah. We're in a lift, everyone, and it's... I don't think... Oh, here we go. Here we go. It's the slowest lift in the world. There you are. These lifts, they've got them in all the overground stations and stuff.

It's a standard. You like lifts, don't you? Yes. I'm much more of a stairs person. I don't mind stairs, but I like lifts. I wonder what it's going to say. Doors opening. Lift going down. It doesn't say, does it? In first floor, it said.

First floor, yeah. It's not first floor. It's a fucking footbridge. Peddy bridge. So this is the bridge going alongside Embankment Station Bridge towards Waterloo. That's Charing Cross Bridge, I believe. Oh, that's what it's called? Yeah. Because that's Charing Cross, there.

Yeah, because Charing Cross and Embankment are... It goes to the side there. Yeah. But that's Charing Cross. It goes... the bridge, the rail bridge goes straight... No, Embankment's right there. And Charing Cross is a little bit all the way. You're thinking about Temple Thingamajig, which is up that way.

This is Charing Cross Bridge. I mean... All right, no, I'm not saying it's not the way. You're thinking about Temple Thingamajig, which is up that way. No, no, this is Charing Cross Bridge. No, I'm not saying it's not the bridge, I'm just saying. I'm surprised that Charing Cross Bridge is closer to Embankment Station than Charing Cross Station. Now, this is a famous example of what I'd call parasitic architecture because there's an existing rail bridge, which is beautiful. I love that, old iron bridges and this

has sort of used that structure to build a footbridge with using a very clever suspension technique and it look it's that's where it's parasitizing there you see the way it's joint clamped on and it's on both sides um what does it say here about the bridge hang on What does it say here about the bridge? Hang on. Oh, it's called Hungerford. At Hungerford, by Liffschultz-Davidson, Charing Cross Railway Bridge. So you were right in that one.

It was 1864. That one there is 1864. The railway bridge, yeah. And when was this? The Hungerford footbridge. 1999, 2002, so around about there. Almost this century. Seven million people a year will use the two Hungerford footbridges.

There's one on the other side, you see. And as we stare out, we can see Waterloo, Shell Centre, Flagpole, British Airways. It's a big, what do they call this, cityscape diagram. Panoramic view thing. Panoramic explainer. New St Thomas Hospital, Millibank Tower. Millbank. Millibank.

Millbank. Clock Tower. Installed big bed in 1856, mate. New Scotland Scotland Yard that's further away than you can see all the other way over to made of Ashton the RS Hispaniolia which is good in it you should take a picture of the this view I like this view you should take a picture of this view meanwhile we're heading towards Waterloo to get our next sound capture for our updated Sounds of London collage. What you're not gonna fall off? No you'll be fine just just don't walk forward into the water you'll be alright. Oh I'm gonna do a pose I'm doing a pose mmm see there we go now famously these

foot bridges because you have the South Bank yeah oh my god what's going on what's going on Oh my god! I didn't even... What's going on? What's going on? I recognise you two parsons. Oh! Hello. Bad, isn't it? No, it's alright. We're doing some cheap show stuff today. Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But come on, take a picture. Where do you want us? That's the... Thank you. It's our pleasure. No problem. We're out and about, just making our own mucky business. What exactly are you doing? We're doing our podcast. Oh my God. I didn't even know you did one.

I'm so sorry. Do you know what's weird as well? So many people say, what happened to Paul and Eli after Bosh? It's like, well, we've been doing Cheap Show for eight years and then digitising and stuff like that. So we've been doing loads of things. Right. But other than that, yeah, no, we've been doing Cheap Show for eight years. I'm so sorry.

It's all right. What's your name? Sorry. Sam. Hello, Sam. You might be in this week's episode of the podcast now, unfortunately. Which might mean you can listen to it and learn all about the beauty of Cheap Show. Yes, I certainly will be.

I'm available for musical theatre roles. Apart from the fact you can't sing. No. Excuse me! Come on. Right, yeah, we've got to record a podcast. But take care of yourselves, all right? See you around.

Yeah, we're keeping that in. It makes us sound important. One way, because it makes us go, oh, look, someone recognised us. The second thing is, it's like, are you still doing stuff after portions? Fuck's sake. I knew he wasn't going to say cheap show.

No. But, I mean, yeah. Anyway, if you're listening to this... Nice, nice chat. Spread the word. Thank you, Sam. And maybe we've got one more listener now who didn't know we existed after Barshens,

which is always sobering. I always find it... You should have seen his face and said, yeah, 400 episodes. He's like, Jesus Christ! So anyway, thank you, Sam. I hope you take some lovely pictures and enjoy Back to the Future, the musical.

Before... It's going to be shit. Thank you Sam, I hope you take some lovely pictures and enjoy Back to the Future the musical. Before... Before... It's going to be shit. You told me it was going to be shit. I didn't say it was shit. I never said anything about the quality of it. I've not seen it. Why do we need it though? Why do we need any musical? Why not write an original musical? Because they're hard to sell because no one can trust them.

Here, I'll come up with one. Here we go. Alright. It's a guy who runs a newsagent. Right. And it uses songs from the 80s. Well, there's your problem. It's not original, are you?

So you're going to use songs from the 80s. That's the big deal. Yeah, but you're just complaining about how some musicals aren't... Are they original songs in the Back to the Future one? Mostly, yeah. Now... They use Power of Love and Back in Time and something else. Earth Angel.

So it's half and half, really? Well, it's more like three songs that were used in the film and the rest of it is all original stuff. So that's the jukebox element, isn't it? Yeah, but it's not like a proper jukebox musical. OK. God. Juke joints don't exist any much.

Juke joints? Yeah, that's where they came from. Jukeboxes were on juke joints. What's that guy doing? He was throwing... He's feeding the pigeons. You're not meant to, though. The other thing I was going to mention, Paul.

He just threw bread in my face. Because on this south foot of the Hungerford footbridges, very near to the famous Undercroft, which is where they roller skate. Right. This is known, this little island of concrete, is known as the skateboard graveyard. Why? Because people chuck their broken skateboards here. I don't see any now

though. Well I can't see on. Oh no I see it now, I see it now. They must have tidied it up. Look you can see where others were lying as well, you can see the shadows. Oh yeah. Mate, take a picture of that then to prove to our listening audience that you're not full of shit i'm always so scared when i get my phone out of this bridge no it's even worse when you're on a bridge with like slats yeah and you go right so we just move on now we're going to head towards waterloo and grab our next song yeah no that's fine you do that you do you mate i going to have to fucking pick bird seed out of my hair now because he was fucking... Bird seed?

Well, whatever it was, he was throwing because it all went in my fucking hat. Oh, did it blow into your... Yeah, it was blowing this week, so now I've had bird seed and bird shit thrust upon me. Bird shit and bird feed have been on me today. What next, Eli? Bird's eye?

Don't know what else on the bird. Fingers. Bird, bird... Fingers crispy pancake know what else on the bird Finder's bird bird Finder's crispy pancake er bird bird stop saying bird Paul

anti-graffiti paint has been applied to this asset I'll get a shot of that I'll get a shot of the original bridge from 1863 I love that bridge

you love that bridge don't you right let's shut up now because it's been too long let's talk and what works as well he was all sweetness and light with the potential listener.

God, you're... This is the difference between me and you. You're like, I do what I want. What's that? What's that sound? I like to engage in an audience and make them feel loved and welcomed. You're so kind of just bottled up inside with your own self-reflective glory. I'm a private person, Paul.

You're not that private. I am full private. Private's on display. Private's on parade. A little update about my undies today. They're very new, they're good, they haven't got a gooch. I'm wearing new undies today as well, actually. And they've got this

bamboo-y one. The bamboo-y fabric and it's really stretchy. Problem is, when I fart, it captures the air, and I have this little wedge of air that gets trapped in my buttock and the fabric. They're airtight pants. So I literally had to take the waistband and go, hop, and slip it up the side to release the pressure. It's a portable Dutch oven, so to speak.

So do you want to go down in the lift on this side to kind of top and tail this segment? I do, yeah, I do. All right, let's go ahead and do that then. I love it down here. I like, yeah, I do. All right, let's go ahead and do that then. We're at the foot now. All right. I love it down here. I like the South Bank, to be fair. I used to get taken here as a child all the time. So it has a massive...

And tell them about what we're going to do with the National Theatre. Oh, yeah, because there was no National Theatre at the time. We're going to go in and just go to the foyer and maybe capture a few sounds of hustle and bustle and murmur. Funnily enough, though, I believe that they'd already started building the National Theatre in 67, but it was a notoriously extremely difficult project and there were like three or four contractors who died

during the making of it. And through old age, because it took so long? No, through like having... Stress? No, from like falling into a vat of concrete or something, like proper accidents. So what, is there a body lodged in the fucking Great National Theatre? I'm sure there's a rumour.

But you know... That would be cool, wouldn't it? There's a body lodged in the concrete. Because you know the National has all those planks of concrete, which you can see the wood grain from the moulds on. Yeah. That was all done on site. They had to build those moulds and pour the concrete on site.

Yeah. No, the planks. They literally made... Yeah, they lifted it up from where it the planks they literally yeah yeah right there and then it was very arduous right you can it's Lasson who was the architect was a notorious megalomaniac and bully but one of the great architects obviously here we press the button it's like it's sweet Yeah, these lifts are in no rush. Has it acknowledged you? No, I've pushed it. Close the door. That's an open door button, isn't it? That's because it's spreading it apart,

not bringing it together. Is it even going to do it? Oh yeah, it must do. There we go. There we go. It's the slowest doors in the world. These lifts are fucking budget. There's not even a little footstep.

I don't want to say anything. No, wait, talk to me. I'm blind! Tell me where we are. It's called Golden Jubilee Footbridge but now it's known as the Hungerford Bridge. Why is it called Golden Jubilee Footbridge there? Maybe because it was going to be called that at one point. Maybe they repurposed this lift. Yeah, maybe. That's a fascinating...

Wait, let's see if it says something. It won't. Come on. It's not saying shit. Wait, give it some time. It's shame. Jesus Christ. I could have saying shit. Wait, give it some time. It's shame. Jesus Christ.

I could have walked up and down this in the time it took. Come on, say something. It won't. Elan lifts. It won't. Elan lifts. Get the name right. CP702242014.

No, don't. Nothing. Nothing. You're not as good as your mate across the way, mate. Yeah, fuck off. I'm just going to get a group, mate. Yeah, fuck off. That's where the brutalism starts, my friend. Alright, well, why don't I stop recording now before he's not going on another one of your fucking brutalist rants.

Yeah, but we... We know you like it. We're gonna go from here to Waterloo and then the National? No, let's go National first and then Waterloo, because then we get the Tube then to our next pot. Stop. Okay, follow me. Follow him. our next part stop okay follow me right we're now inside the National Theatre oh we're gonna record a little bit of sound here it's not much going on there's not much hustle and bustle right now but we're going to record a little bit and add it to our collage. I love this building. One of my favourite places in the whole of London.

To hang and a lot of people come here and to the Royal Festival Hall, which is on the other side of the bridge, to take advantage of the PowerPoints and free Wi-Fi. So a lot of people... It was designed to be un-elitist and to be inviting to the public and have use as a public space,

not just people going to the theatre. That's right, and it still does that to this day. It's just a stunning interior, this interior space, don't you think? It's one of these weird things where, even though I hate brutalism and i don't like the aesthetic overall once you're inside it's strangely incredibly cozy in here and inviting and warm and and just pleasant it's a pleasant vibe in here you see what i'm getting at it's just it's sculptural look at that staircase i mean come on i like the fact that they use lights and lamps to beam signs onto the walls. It's like, see, it says there Challenge 5,

or where the restaurant thing is, it's just like a lamp, a spotlight shown with the thing. It's tasteful. It's been used a lot, hasn't it, by people? There must be a technical term for that kind of signage. Projected sign is essentially... I mean, there was that whole thing when we were in Disneyland. There was that whole projected show, wasn't it, that we watched?

You just stare in there and look at the side of a building while they show slides on it. It's just not that interesting. But tell me, you've got a story, though, haven't you, about something? I'll tell you what, we'll do it like a quiz show. Oh, hello, ladies and gentlemen. We've got our next contestant, Eli Silver. Now, something funny happened to you in the National Theatre,

weren't you? Tell us about it. Yeah, um... Yeah, Paul, yeah. It's great to be here. Now, we are on the bank of the River Thames, the South Bank, of course, and there's just up a little bit from

here is a place where there are beach forms at low tide. We're at high tide now, so it won't be there, but there was a beach. I came with my girlfriend at the time to meet some friends, and we did a bunch of meow-meow. Meow-meow methadone was very popular at the time as a sort of alternative stimulant to ecstasy and cocaine. And I got high, but what I really got was super horny in that way

that kind of like it had to be dealt with so i had to come in here in the toilet in the national theater uh anyway it's been running for three months now it's a really successful show that's like a monty python joke behind the the pipes, Charing Cross Station. Noon for about five minutes. But that was a true story. The beaches are great on the Thames. And we're going to get some ambient noise, are we? Yeah, we're going to do a little bit of ambient noise from this inside area of...

I don't know what you want to call this particular part of it, but either way. Now, this wasn't actually completed, the National Theatre, Dennis Lasden's National Theatre, until 76, but it was a gruelling, famously gruelling construction project, and I believe it had been started back in 67 when our audio record was made. You falling asleep, Paul? I may have nodded off during that. Listen, shh, let's just quieten down now and get some ambience.

Look at the barista. I know, we got a coffee as well. It's good work. You take a photo of that. Listen, let's just quiet down now and get some ambience. I know we've got coffee as well. It's good work. You take a photo of that. Right, and we're going to leave you now to the sounds, the sounds of the National Theatre. Coffee and conversation is offered

to all at the National Theatre Foyer. Right, we leave the brutalist beauty of the National Theatre behind us, but just on that note, you know, I went to the bathroom. Yeah. As you drank your coffee and I had to go for a pee. So I went in and, first of all, they need to fix their toilets because, like, five out of the, like, ten urinals were just filled to the brim with piss.

Oh, really? And then dripping out from the bottom. Oh, skateboarders doing skateboarding. But I went in and there was a man, I believe a homeless man, and he was literally in nothing but his little Y-fronts, little Y-fronts in front of a mirror and he's cleaning himself right, which is fine because he uses the three amenities. Yes. But like very thin guy, you saw him on the way out. Do you know who he looked like? What? The guy out of the film The Burbs.

Anyway, the thing is, right, so I'm fine. I get it. He's using the amenities to clean himself up. Not a problem. The problem is he was cutting his hair with, like, scissors. And rather than just snipping, he was, like, swinging it around his finger and then tapping it on the side and, like, doing this whole... Like a cocktail. Except replace the cocktail shaker with...

He was doing a flare with his scissors. Yeah, and a razor. And I was just, and as I was trying to wash my hands at the sink, I was like dodging out of the way of these scissors because every now and then he would just swing it around his finger and then do a little move with his underpants and stuff

and then carry on. And I was just like, okay, well, all right, to each their own, mate, but can I not have scissors in my temple before I leave this place? Anyway. We were commenting about how beautifully muffled

the audio, the sound, not the audio, how beautifully muffled the audio, the sound, not the audio, the sound inside that open space, inside the warm space. It's lovely, warm sounding. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And this was done afterwards. And this is still in the brutalist style,

but it uses brick rather than the planks. Right, so we're now heading to Waterloo to get some sounds of the're now heading to Waterloo to get some sounds of the station. And we've got the BFI which stands for Big Fish Incorporated. British Film Institute.

Just there. Big Fish. And it's built into the bridge. And this is Page Street, I believe, at the bottom here. Heading up towards the big BFI IMAX screen. No, I believe, at the bottom. Heading up towards the big BFI IMAX screen. No, I know that. You knew that? I'm just pointing out.

I'm audibly pointing out for the visually impaired that there was a big BFI IMAX there. Well, we had the premiere for that Ghostbusters documentary, Cleaning Up the Town. That was quite nice. It was in here, was it? Well, no, it was BFI. The one over that way.

Here we go. The big one in the roundabout, the IMAX screen. Yes. In their big one, yeah. For Afterlife or for... No, for the documentary. God, Afterlife was bad.

We're not going to get into that. But we're not talking about Ghostbusters because once the book's out, I'm never doing it again. What are you looking at? Oh, right at the back of the Royal Festival Hall. Which is the most unashamedly brutalist building. I'm going to charge you every time you say the word brutalist.

It's like a swear tin. Look at the hell, it's beautiful. So we're going to head towards Waterloo now. And once we're there, we're going to get some sounds at the platforms and the hustle and the bustle of the city. That's the plan. Then we're going to get some sounds of the platforms and the hustle and the bustle of the city that's the plan then we're going to get some tube sounds then we're heading

back to Piccadilly to get some ambience there am I confused where's Waterloo no we go there we go up that little pathway

there right concert hall approach yes right anything of note the Royal Festival Hall the building

hasn't really dated it still looks kind of note? In the Royal Festival Hall, the building hasn't really dated. It still looks kind of futuristic almost, but the lettering is so 70s, isn't it? I like it, though. I really like that aesthetic. And the fact that it's still in good condition is the other surprise. It's like the writing you'd have on a motor mechanic in Lewisham or something, isn't it? Or an abandoned John Lewis-type high street store. Yeah, it's like the Woolworths lettering.

Yeah, he's going to take a photograph of that. Pictures for this website will be on our website, the Cheap Show website, the www.com. It's our website, what the hell. Thecheapshow.co.uk you can go to to see pictures to accompany this week's episode. No video this week, no accompanying video diary. Gannon can't be fucked this week. Give him a break, calm down. You've all seen London before.

He's still taking pictures. He likes his brutalism. I don't know if you, listener, have ever picked up on this, but Eli really likes his brutalism. We've already run out of daylight hours. It's getting dark. It's getting dark. You ready to go?

Cocktails, steaks, jazz. Archduke. Imagine you just changed one letter, what would do the most damage if you changed one letter from that? If you changed D to P. That's good yeah. I was thinking taking the A out of jazz and putting an I. It would say cocktails, steaks, jizz. Puke. as it would say cocktails steaks cheers puke it's the arch puke 30 grand archduke fairy hand i don't know what i'm doing that's good man that's going to be my porn name it's got your four name archduke fairy hand right right walking on the sutton walk se1 and uh that's the ornate yeahnate entrance to Waterloo ahead of us. Yeah. So let's take a little break and come back once we're inside.

Gas, please. Gas, please. Right, next stop on Paul and Eli's. Hang on, hang on. Paul and Eli have arrived in Waterloo Station for our next sound snap. Eli, yes? That's where the disused Eurorail platforms used to be,

but now they've put other... Southbound to Twickenham and stuff now from there. Is it? But you know, underneath, there's this huge liminal underground shopping centre down there. We should have a look, honestly. It's still there. I thought they'd sealed all that off.

No, no, they've reopened it. They've redone it all, but it's all empty. We'll have a look. Let's have a look. Let's have a little look. But what I want to do is just go over here where the main departure arrivals board is and just take some sample sound here.

Yes, that's good. And I'll nip to the loo while you do that. Do you have any Waterloo, Sunset, Waterloo Road stories? 1967, Waterloo. Waterloo Sunset by the Kinks was released. And Waterloo Road, which was an old standard based on a French song. Was it? Yeah.

Oh, Waterloo Road. Da-da-da-da-da-da. Waterloo Road. No, that's that song that was on that... Yeah, but it was originally a French song. It was turned into a British one called Waterloo Road, da-da-da-da-da-da, Waterloo Road. No, that's not... That's that song that was on that... Yeah, but it was originally a French song. It was turned into a British one called Waterloo Road. Yes, but that wasn't a hit. It was.

In France. It was a hit. Well, it was a bigger hit in France than England, but it was still a hit. But it's not as big a hit as Waterloo Sunset, was it? No, no, no. No. I don't have any anecdotes. I mean, the only anecdote I once had about Waterloo

Station was when 2016's Ghostbusters came out. They had a giant marshmallow man bursting through the floor here, so it was like its head was coming out of the ground, and a hand was reaching out. And that was quite fun. But other than that... It's vast, isn't it? It's even bigger with the new, like I say, the new shopping centre that we'll look at.

But you know what gets me about Waterloo? It's the line of station entrances, platform entrances. It's incredibly long and it always stresses me out here because it's always like you look at the departure board and then it says you know, if it said platform one here, you'd have to run all the way down there.

You know, take at least five minutes to walk to the platform from here. Get a wiggle on, you can't do it. You've got to get a wiggle on. That's one of your favourite terms. I like it. Going to get a wiggle on, hustle and bustle. Jiggle and a wiggle. Get a wiggle on. You can't do it. You've got to get a wiggle on. You've got to get a wiggle on. That's one of your favourite terms. I like it. Going to get a wiggle on. Hustle and bustle. Jiggle and a wiggle. Nip and tuck.

Nip and tuck. Cut and thrust. I love the cut and thrust. The cut and thrust. Do you like a two-word phrase? Yeah. It's how I treat a lady's knickers. Cut and thrust.

Oh, man, that's... Now, you know what? Paul Garan takes that statement back. But I'm going to leave it in as a lesson. A lesson to you. A lesson to not rip someone's knickers off and stick it in. No, even... Consensually, you mind?

Now. What? I'm going to go to the loo. And you're going to get some sound. While you go for a piss, should I take a picture and listen to you pissing? The sounds of a waterloo toilet. No, I don't think you should.

How about I give it to you to record? You can just hold it by your penis and just hear the splatter splitter. I'm actually fine. The cut and thrust of Slash. No, I'm not going to... Cut and thrust of Slash, Eli. The zip and slap. The zip and slap of...

The zip, slap and tinkle. Zip, slap and splash. How about that? A no. No, all right. Well, you go pee. Privately by myself. All right.

In that case, I will take some sounds now, because in the actual recorder that you're going to hear in a minute, it's the trains pulling out and the screech of the trains and this, that and the other. We're not going to do that. I'm just going to leave you a little bit of sound now at the ambience of being here at the thriving and thrustling Waterloo station. Here we go.

One of England's few remaining steam trains leaves Waterloo Station and departures are announced. Thank you. We didn't record a steam train pulling from Waterloo Station, but we did record the departure announcements instead. Right, Eli's had his way and we've gone into the sidings. Which is the new space. There's new platforms down here, but they've opened... The sidings is the name of basically this shopping mall that they've put underneath the old Eurostar platforms, which were only operational for a couple of years, I think, before they shut them down.

We'll go down here. Yeah, but lots of the shops that are here aren't even installed yet. There's a cost of that's not open, lots of empty shops there. So what's down there then? Is that where the platform is? That's it, it's the sidings. No, the platforms are there, you see. No, they're not, are they? No, they're not.

But that's the entrance to the platforms. I guess you can come up from below to this. There's a huge multi-floor brew dog. Oh, is that all the fucking sliding and stuff? It's got a bowling alley in it. Let's have a look, in it. I don't want to go for a drink and fucking go on a slip slide in a ball pond at the same time. You might want to do

some ten pin bowling. I'd rather go to a ten pin bowling place that also serves booze than go to a booze place that also has a small corner of a ten pin bowling thing in. Although I quite enjoy some of their beer, I just detest the brew dog company people. Oh yeah. What was that? They've got rid of, they said that they'd pay everyone fairly but now they're like no. They've turned the,

see what I mean? Oh there's a Lucky Voice and a Nando's and a Brewdog. All the usual shit. Yeah. Just photocopy and slap somewhere else. Yeah. Let's just have a look at this giant brew dog, though, mate. Look, see? Empty shops all down here. It's almost like one of those abandoned malls from the States, but it's at the other end. Yeah, it's at the opposite end. But then, to be fair, it is opening up early 2024.

There's a lot of stuff going on. I guess they think they'll be the business, so that's why they're massive Nando's. But look at this Brewdog. Guess we're looking at Brewdog now. Yeah, it's a pub. It's a pub. Oh, it's not the same. It's one of those pub polling alley things where everything's made of wood and clatter. I'm not interested. Let's get our underground sounds because we need to do that. We need to check that

off the list. So let's go ahead and do that now. See, there's another floor they haven't opened. Labyrinth. Dine, drink, discover. What am I going to discover? Some drinks. I'll discover some food and drinks. Or you could discover a love or a new friendship. Or you've never a love or a new friendship.

Or you've never left the house. I don't think it's kind of exchanged it down there yet. No. This is all brand new. A lot of these things aren't opening for a while yet, so to be fair to it, it's hard to criticise until it has. It's infrastructure put into place properly. Very liminal down there, isn't it? Very liminal.

Liminal, brutalist, it's all the same old shit. It's not abandoned liminal, it's pre-inhabited. Preliminal. Preliminal. I like it. I mean, that's preliminary. Preliminal. Oh, there you go.

Well, there you go then, innit? Preliminal. Preliminary. Right, let's go find the underground. I'm tired of supporting your liminal love. Shut up. You love it. Come on.

I love it, but it gets a bit repetitive. There's a new one called The Curve out there. Ah, fuck it. Where are we going? Underground. We're going to get some sounds now for the Underground. OK. We may as well do it here and then get it to Piccadilly.

Can I just say one thing about WH Smith? Is it the same shit you always say when we go past WH Smith for one of these episodes where they're overpriced and a bit cordial to ransom because you need to get stuff and therefore you find it disgusting? Yes. Fine, we're moving on.

Underground. It's like you don't want to live your life. No, it disgusting. Yes. Fine, we're moving on. Underground. It's like you don't want to live your life. No, it's more that I don't want to waste my life reliving what we've already said on this podcast. It's always going to be me here, Paul. Unless I die prematurely. Well, we can only hope. Right, let's fucking...

Let's just get onto the underground. That's not very nice. Let's just get onto the underground and record some sounds. Oh. Two. Adelston. Adelston, nice. Have you seen that little digital platform readout thing you can get? Yeah, I want one. It's actually hooked up to the actual platforms.

I actually really want one even though I can't find any possible use for it. You can always just check the trains at Harrow. Sion Lane, Isleworth, Hounslow, Feltham, Ashford. I've felt them. Right, here we are. We're off. We're going off to the Bakerloo. Right, so here we are. We're on the Bakerloo, the brown line

of the Underground in London, and we're going to record some sound effects now that capture a train coming in whoosh whoosh doors ding-dongs all that kind of stuff. Because that is on the Sound of London record right? It's Charing Cross station. Do you think it's because they do fake a lot of them like the cab one do you think it's faked on the record? No. It's a real tube so that will there be a difference in the sound? Yes. Well it has to be. We're modernising the album, aren't we? Well, do you know that those trains on the Jubilee line, they go...

They've got that distinct noise, that whooshing noise. I kind of love that. Yeah, but we're not doing that. We're going to do Bakerloo. Maybe Bakerloo has a noise as well. And we're going to go where on Bakerloo again? We are going only... OK, yeah, three stops.

Three stops at Piccadilly Circus, under ten minutes. Right, so that's what we're going to do. The next thing you're going to hear now is our platform sounds. Enjoy. While beneath the city, an underground train stops at Charing Cross Station. station. While beneath the city an underground train stops at Waterloo station, not Charing Cross. The station is located on the right.1908年 4月1日に日本鉄道の駅として開業新幹線E5系電車 Right, so we did come to Piccadilly Circus to get some ambient sound of, you know, the traffic and the, I'm going to say it again know the traffic and the I'm gonna say it again hustle and the bustle but unfortunately now it looks like we have to look at dancers

Oh God street dancing human is this is that the new I just going to go out and say it. Is humanity awful? Is it getting worse? There's a guy in pants and he's inviting people to... Draw on him. With some paints he has at the foot of his podium. Is this like what's happened to the silver still people in bowler hats?

Have they evolved into half-naked? Doodlebox. What a load of shit, isn't it? And then what what are you meant to do pay him after you've painted on him give me a fucking

tell you what though what we should do is go street performance used to have a fucking pedigree you know what I mean how is that performance it's not it's just like

in my pants paint on my chest fuck off come on my chest like come on in that'd be so hilarious it's like mate I've got some art for you, some really outsider art. The only problem is you'd be totally arrested but I'd love to see. I could do it.

Fake it. Put some Swarovski, not Swarovski, like some green spook. No paste. Just make some wallpaper paste up, whatever they use and just have a little bit in it. A bit of shampoo. And this chest, and I could film it, and it would be fucking the best thing ever. Or I could just wank on them.

Here we are... No, because you get arrested for that. No, I go to the toilet downstairs in the station, knock it off into me hand, come up with a little pool of it, and just go flick. Yeah, but then... That's... That doesn't... That totally is just... Fine, I'll get me cock out then. No, don't, because you'll get arrested. Here we are at Eros. Yeah, but then that's... That doesn't... That totally is just... Fine, I'll get me cock out then. No, don't, because you'll get arrested. Here we are at Eros.

Yeah, how perfect. The act of love itself. And here is me jockeying out my big, chonky load. The Eros is famously moved. That's why... Is it? Yeah, it was moved. It used to be right over there.

And they moved it for the sake of the roads. Oh. So that's why it's very sometimes when you look how is it moved? I believe in the I'm going to have to look it up aren't I? look it up

so here we are is this Piccadilly Circus so what's that over there that's Leicester Square there's no Leicester Square in that album is there?

there's no sounds of Leicester Square can I just say one thing about Leicester Square? what? it's the worst of Leicester Square. Can I just say one thing about Leicester Square? What? It's the worst place in London. It's the most horrendous place in London. It's...

I don't like Leicester Square. Right, so, okay, so give us some information about Eros and then I can do some recording. Because I remember, this is I tell you what, this place is lots of charms. It's like Virgin Megastore left. Virgin used to be on that corner. HMV over there.

It was removed during the construction of Piccadilly Circus Underground Station in the 1920s and was later moved for safety during the Second World War. And then put back. Removed again in the 1980s to be restored. This is the second time in recent history that Eros's bow has been replaced. You can see the bow looks much newer and it has no string on it.

He's lost, he twanged his bow string. He's got a damaged bow string twanger. Oh look, it's the standard which I just picked up. It's this article. Standard. Standard. Standard. Standard. Standard. Standard. article. People will think we're doing a performance.

We are. We want to get some money. Put your hat down. And then what will you do? I'll jock off. No, stop jocking it. Okay, Piccadilly Circus, I mean, why would you come here? Hello ladies and gentlemen, who wants to give, go put my hat down. Who wants to play fetch? Now I think one of the great sh shames of Piccadilly Circus

is they replaced all those great old neon signs. They should have protected the old neon, made it listed, but now you've got these horrible video streams, which are just completely characterless, and you have in all sorts of similar places in the world, don't you? Like Times Square. Yeah, I mean, look, it's the way of the world, isn't it? When we went to LA, remember all the billboards there and the charm of them?. I mean, look, it's the way of the world, isn't it? When we went to LA,

remember all the billboards there and the charm of them? Because that's kind of, it's iconography. If you remove that and replace all those billboards with this kind of video screen shit, it'd be horrible. Apparently in Bristol,

people protest against the video screens, billboards. It's light pollution. By throwing rocks at them and stuff. Yeah, somehow it's much more hypnotic and arresting and distracting than a still. Yeah. You know? Well, here's the thing. Yeah, somehow it's much more hypnotic and arresting and distracting than a still. Yeah.

You know? Well, here's the thing. I can accept it here because it's, you know, middle of London. I can accept it, absolutely, and it's sort of part of the tradition of Piccadilly Circus is to have a lot of illuminated advertising.

But don't you think it was so much nicer with the actual neon signs? Yeah, but again, I get that. Think about it. They probably take more to maintain with the bulbs and everything. And they might even be more expensive to run. I don't know. Look, that's one.

God, so bright as well. Piccadilly Lights. There's some kind of organisation. Oh, there's Prada with Benedictine Cumbernaught. Supporting education for ocean conservation. Who's that? Emma Watson as well. Is that Emma Watson, yeah. Oh, well.

Oh, well. Is that going to be a Prada store, then, I take it? Yeah. I don't know, I'm not interested. Possibly, yeah, they're restoring that, and it's just one of those terrible tourist tap things. Well, look, anyway, what I'm going to do now... Now, this part of London, this is where...

Just there is where I went to the wrong party remember when I was working at the at the roundhouse and we had this staff party and I went to the wrong party because there is an

absolute warren underneath where we're standing now of old bunkers of venues Café de Paris the shoes tube stuff yeah

it's so much of it here it's on the ground I'd love to go on a little urban exploration little thing around downstairs down around here you'd like to have a little

rummage downstairs would you mate yeah I do I'd wank I mean what's that that's no surprise to anyone you could have a rummage

downstairs and it not be onanism what would it be then grooming for fleas grand thrust arsonry no you've lost it now grand thrust arsonry you've lost it now. Grand Thrust Arsonry.

You've lost it. What's Dreams' Lego Dreams? It's a new Lego thing, isn't it? What is it? I don't know. I don't know. Do you think it'll be interactive in some way? You're asking a 45-year-old man.

You're into Lego? Yeah, but not that much. I think it's just a range of Lego that is a little bit more obscure and surreal to build. Could be good. It could be good. I like the little blob. It looks like a little... Like a flubber. A big piece of flubber. It could be good. I like the little blob. It looks like a little Like a flubber. A big

piece of flubber. Big flubber. Now if it was grey flubber That would be like spunk. It would. Why are you on the spunk tip? I'll give you a spunk tip. The tip is shot spunk out. Right, we're running out of things to say so I'm going to now do... I'm not.

Can I just put it on the record? I'm not. I haven't run out of things to say, let me just say that. Anyway, Comedy Pub round the corner. We used to do comedy nights back in the day. The town is near here with a lot of my favourite places to eat, Paul. Right, so, shut up. I'm now going to do... Shut up!

What don't you understand? Seriously, mate. What don't you understand when I say shut up? I'm going to record some ambience, then we can move on. I don't want to hear any more about your tragic life living here it's not I find it tragic well don't do the podcast with me anymore I keep saying this Paul Gannon's cheap show podcast it won't work featuring intermittently Eli Silverman getting sacked half-time. Yeah. Fuck you. Yeah. All right, do your sound thing, fine. Right, here we go.

The sounds of busy Piccadilly Circus. Kjell Kjell КОНЕЦ The less exciting, busy sounds of Piccadilly Circus. La Casa de los Ataques Kampen What time is it now? About 6ish or something? I don't know. 5.30. It is 5.23. You're doing all right on time today. It's 5.23 and we've reached Carnaby Street. Now, in the original recording, there's quite a lot of hustle and bustle. Well, and also it was a road that cars used to drive down. Really?

Yeah, absolutely. If you look at the footage, it's got pavements and cars coming, buzzing about. They pedestrianised it. They want to do this to the whole of Soho, which I think would kind of kill the character. Do you think? A little bit, I would agree. But at the same time, reduce the chance of being hit

by all those fucking rickshaw things. When I do the radio here, it's very close, the studio. Yeah, just around the corner. Brewer Street. Broadwick, rather. You always see people in really expensive sports cars, whatever, impatiently driving around, you know? Driving?

Yeah, and it's like, just don't drive your car here. Why would you want to bring your car here? Just to show it off. It's that whole sort of culture thing, you know, where you're... Splashing out your cash. Well, you've spent £100,000 on a fucking... Yeah, to a bunch of people who go and look at it and go, what a fucking prick.

Can I just say? Yeah, go on. Adidas. I love these Adidas gazelles with the raw rubber soles. Oh, I'm going to have to. Are they a retro design then, like the olden days? The raw rubber is like,

is an old thing where they, before, I just, those, it appeals to me. I mean, I don't mind rubber sole, but I prefer Sgt Pepper. Oh. Okay, someone's got to do gags, mate.

Someone's got to bring the comedy. Ganton Street. Pato Ganton Street. Paul Ganton.. Ganton Street. Pato Ganton Street. Paul Ganton. Paul Ganton Street. You know what a ganton is? No. It's when Gannon gets constipated.

He's got the ganton. That's when I'm erect. When Gannon's erect, he's got the ganton. And constipated. And usually both, yeah. I'm blocked at both ends of the pipe. The brown and white pipe ain't giving out. Stop this shit.

That's the problem, isn't it? I can't stop this shit. Look, I love Carnaby Street still, even though it is incredibly neutered and it always was a very capitalist sort of consumerist thing.

But it hasn't got that anymore. What it's got is like Britain's fascination with the fucking 1966 World Cup. It's got this fascination with what Britain once was, but it's long since lost that identity. Lots of sort of mod shops, but even that has kind of disappeared.

You've just got the chains here. Oh, yeah. Big clothing chains is all you've got. So what we're going to do now is record a little bit of sound, compare it against the one off the album, and you'll see that all the life and vitality and character has gone.

Although we should have come on a Sunday, because apparently there's a market stall on a Sunday and stuff, so maybe. There's a glasses shop called Easy Peasy. Oh, yeah, I-Z-I-P-I-Z-I. Easy Peasy. Easy Peasy Paris. Foobert's Place. Oh, there's the, what's that?

Is it William Shakespeare's or whatever it's called, that pub? The Shakespeare, yeah. Yeah, because it's got his head, Shakespeare's head. Shakespeare's head. it's called, that pub. The Shakespeare, yeah. Yeah, because it's got his head, Shakespeare's head. It's got a head. Shakespeare's head. Do you know what? There used to be a ghost train in New Bright where I grew up, and at this haunted house, and in one of the windows was a bald man with a hand saying, come in.

That is almost exactly the same fucking thing, but without the animatronics. But yeah, we'll get a shot of that. It's on the Shakespeare. And I'm going to now take some audio of this reasonably barren, this time of night spot on Carnaby Street, but they're the rules we're playing by. Those are the rules.

Those were the rules. Carnaby Street, where the miniskirt was born. Jane. Jane. I don't know. Jane. Carnaby Street. Not as trendy as it used to be. So Carnaby Street was a bust.

A characterless, almost noiseless high street with a bunch of vapid shops selling expensive clothes to those with the cash to do so. But now we're going to get a bus all the way to our last location now. Wait, I'm doing a bit of recording. I'm just telling everyone we're going to get a bus now all the way down to Fleet Street Way to go to the Ye Olde Cheshire Cheese Pub

and record some ambient sound in their wine cellar. And then that's it. We can have a drink and end the day there then. Right. You're so looking forward to it. Mate, I think And then that's it. We can have a drink and end the day there then. Right. You're so looking forward to it. Mate, I think bus stop B's closed. Oh, no. Oh, mate.

Shall we go down to the next one along? We're going to have to go down to the next one along. We'll have to walk a bit further. Oh, yeah, I want to get on the bus. I've recorded some bus sounds. This is Piccadilly, the actual road called Piccadilly. Yeah. Which culminates in Piccadilly Circus.

It does. This is down here in St James where I learnt to... Wank. Deal roulette. Croupier. The Dilly we're walking past. What's the Dilly? See, I got confused, you see. So when I worked

for a casino, I just got really good with soft cheese, but apparently that's roulette. Oh, Mr Silverman! Oh,man oh mr silver what a good joke it is it's a soft white cheese you're thinking of raclette you shut your mouth you're thinking you shut your mouth now right so we're walking down the joke is it does oh the roulette is that roulette Et toi? Is it a soft cheese? Yeah. But not raclette is what they make fondue out of.

Yeah. I'm pretty sure roulette is a... Cheese chat. Let's have another... Cheese chat. Patreon only... Cheese pod. Cheese pod.

I bet it exists. I bet it does fucking exist. I bet you. Cheese is a good... It's a big deal for a lot of people. No, I think we should have a new segment of the Cheap Show podcast called

cheesy bits cheesy a cheesy moment yes I love cheese I like cheese I talk about cheese bro we can talk about

the cheapest cheese the slices yeah the bargain basement mate I was reading an article the other day cheese was one of those things

that was terrible it's one of the things internationally it was all the processed food in britain used to be terrible and i think cheese is basically a processed food isn't it there's no avoiding it you've got pasteurization you've got no you mean fermentation well it has to be pasteurized as well not necessarily no no okay yeah not necessarily but basically your your store-bought stuff tends to be. Yes, but milk is what essentially needs to be pasteurised. Yeah.

Because raw milk gives you the serious. Gives you shit. And you know there's this whole TikTok trend, healthy living, sort of pure. And a lot of people are getting really sick from drinking raw milk. Really sick. Yeah, because people on TikTok are fucking idiots. Yes. I know there's a lot of good people on there doing really important work, but it's mostly talky gobshites doing dumb shit for views.

I hope that both buses stop at this stop. They do. The 9 or the 23 we're going to get. Oh look, that's what MGs look like now. Yeah, like every other car. We've got the Ritz coming up here. If you do what you to do, go to... Oh, look at those Henry Moore sculptures.

Putting on the Ritz. The one at the Fortnum and Mason site. You've noticed those before? No. I don't often get to go to Fortnum and Mason's. All right, do it. And then we're going to take some sounds on the bus, because then we've ticked off all London bus sounds.

They've added that. Adidas, what? They've added those sculptures. They look very much like Henry Moore. Yeah, but again, we haven't been checking, so we don't know. We'll have a photo. But Fortnum & Mason is where you can get all that expensive

stuff and things. Teas, jam. Hampers. Full of teas. I bet you can get some fucking cool cheese there. Yeah. Runny, runny business. Do you like a soft cheese? Yeah, I do. Proper soft some fucking cool cheese there. Yeah. Runny, runny business. Right. Do you like a soft cheese? Yeah, I do.

Like proper soft. I do, yeah. I do. Camembert. What kind of cheese don't you like? It depends, really. It's hard to find a cheese I don't like. It is.

I don't like... Like dense. You don't like dense cheeses? You know what I mean? Like a kind of really hard cheese. Sometimes I like a really hard cheese. What about grated parmesan? Yeah, that's fine.

Okay, I'll stay here. Right, we're going to wait for this next bus. Yeah, number nine. We're going to get the bus now to our final destination. No, the 23 is 24 hours. That could be a... A night bus special. That could be a night bus in special.

It's not very long, though, is it? Wow, that's one of the shortest travel routes I've ever seen in my life. Shortest bus route. There's only four stops on the whole route. I mean, I presume... There might be more. Wow. What bus was it, 23?

That's really short, huh? Bit like you. Right, let's wait for this bus, then. See you in a bit, everyone. Sit upstairs or down on a red London bus and ride east to the Old City. Sit upstairs on a new London bus and travel east into the old city. The next stop is closed. 9 to Oldbridge. Imagine if it stopped and then just blew up.

Terminates. Shut up. If it terminated, yeah. Why is that? No one's ever referred to something blowing up as terminating.. Terminates. If it terminated, yeah. Why is that? No one's ever referred to something blowing up as terminating. The Terminator did. No, he didn't. I'll be back. To what?

The word terminated. Right, we're getting off the bus now and we're heading to our last point. Our last... Stop walking away from me. Stop having shorter legs than me right I do because I've been to the Cheshire cheese pub number of times it's just literally Er, the one Aldwych, wherever that is. Near here? Yeah. Yeah, I... It's Aldwych. Right, come on.

Hey, hey. Hey, hey. I'm going to do something. What? I'll dispose terminate you. That wasn't bad, eh? No, not bad. It was bloody awful.

We could get fondue in there. I'm not getting fondue in there. There's too many people and they're all waiting to get into the theatre. Yes. I was right about that cheese being called raclette because it says it there. Yeah. Does it say rouleau? No.

Have you looked that up? I keep getting messages. Right, so what we're going to need to do is... Yeah, go up this way. Let's just go up this way. Past the old courts. We could get on another bus if you wanted to, to cut out the time. Do you want to?

Not particularly. I don't feel like stretching my legs. But we're going to walk now. Red man. I'm not going to cross the road, don't worry. Yeah, you get a bus literally to here from Hammersmith every day. Because I worked up the road at Holborn for Warner Brothers back in the day. We're at the bottom of Kingsway

where it meets Aldwych. There's the old BBC buildings, used to be there. Oh yeah. But there's Busch House, which used to be the World Service BBC. I'm not sure if it is still anymore, but that's that. And this is Ben Steiner's

brother's old offices, and we filmed Office Party Rescue in there. Oh, interesting. Yeah. The original Office Party Rescues, which are a bit too not safe for work, where I suffocated a disabled man with a huge distended foreskin. Well, you're about the same. My character, rather.

I was going to say, yeah, I need you to clarify that it wasn't you doing that. Oh, there's an old route master, a prestige line. Oh. Now that's a bus. Heritage route. Probably less comfy than the Boris bus, though, nowadays. Yeah, but there's far more charm. Right.

You said you liked it. No, I do. I do, but I also think I think you would agree that the older ones have vastly amounts of vastly huge amounts of charm. Paul, that's the bells of St. Clements. Is it? Can you hear it? Just about. This will count then. This will count. How about the brown bells of St. Gannon? Hey! Oranges and shit stains! Why? Why? Oh!

Because you've brought it up with the muff! Fucking hell, Grizzly Adams has come out! You've transported that guff from your guttet up to your mouth through the muff! I whipped it off. All the particles have stuck to the hairy muff! Oh, I'm getting it now! Listen! I'm going to run for it.

Oh yeah, there's the Bell of St. Clements. This is gonna count. The famous Bells of St. Clements play Oranges and Lemons. L'OCCITANE EN PROVENCE We think this is the church of St. Clemens doing something akin to oranges and lemons. S.A. I mean, I don't know if it's doing the actual Bells of St. Clement song. Is that St. Clement's? This is St. Clement's. It is, I've never made that connection to the old... Oranges and lemons at the bells of St Clement's. I always thought they were all in the East End, because that was an East End thing. Well, the other pub they say is in the East End called St Clement's.

And this is the east, the start of the east. Yeah, gateway to the east. Yeah, they call it Midtown, don't they now? They try to rebrand it. We've got looking down towards Holborn and Clerkenwell and so forth. I don't think it's doing the Oranges and St Clement's song. No, it's not. Because if it is, someone's on the piss doing it wrong.

Good that you... Did you do a separate track? No, I had to run for it, but what I might do is snip it and fold it and slip in the original... Nip and tap. Slip, nip, dip, a-duck, dip, a-duck, a-sip, cut and thrust. Shut up, fuck's sake. Oh, have my keys fallen out? It feels like it's almost doing Oranges and Lemons Shut up, fuck's sake. Oh, have my keys fallen out?

It feels like it's almost doing Oranges and Lemons and then shit to the bed. Right, so we need to walk up there past the old courts for a bit. Um, a couple of walk, like literally a couple of minutes walk and we're there. Before we get to Bishopsgate, basically. So it's between here and Bishopsgate and it's on the left-hand side, we'll be fine. That's where we're heading to now, we gonna walk oh I'm like you know what I'm actually really happy we at least got the bells of St Clements on the soundtrack yeah if not magic moment Paul it was a magic moment now we've got Fleet Street's down here isn't it that's where the pub is look we've got the Court of Justice there do they still have like newspapers and

shit in Fleet Street no because it used to be the hub of journalists in London. No, there was... The rag trade and all that stuff. They actually moved it all out on a specific sort of point, I believe. Yeah, but there was the whole culture, the newsmen, paper men. What do they call them, newsmen or paper men? Well, the rag trade, innit? The rag trade.

But the rag trade always... Is that what they used to call it? Because they were rags. The rag trade also refers to people on Petticoat Lane selling clothing, East End clothing. But also, yeah, but you've also got to remember, round about Fleet Street, where it was closest to the Thames back in the day,

was where the textiles came in and stuff like that. So, I mean, maybe I'm conflating a lot of vague facts. They do definitely refer to newspapers as rags, that old rag. Are you smelling toast, burnt toast? That's coffee. OK, you are smelling something. Yeah, no, that's roasted coffee.

I thought I was going to have a stroke. That was all. Oh, you and your throat. No, because they say, don't they? That's a lovely smell. That's roasted coffee. I like that smell. Where's it coming from?

I don't know. Someone must be roasting coffee nearby. There's a pub. That's not the smell of people brewing coffee. That's the smell of the beans roasting. There's that pub that's haunted. That one there. It's one of the oldest pubs in London. What's it called?

I can't remember without looking at it. Are we going to cheese? We're going to the Ye Olde Cheddar Cheese. And what's that? The George? Is it? Yeah, the George. That's got a ghost in it. Of King George? I don't know. I can't remember. I'm always very impressed by the Courts of Justice. It's such an authoritarian-looking...

Authoritative, daunting, serious building. Serious, but it looks like a church as well, but it also looks like a church that's got elephantitis or something. Do you know? Yeah. All right, well, listen. Let's put this away and head on to our last stop for our Sounds of London scrapbook collage. See you in a little bit.

It's getting late now, actually. Just gone six. It's good for us. It's getting dark. You know what I mean? That's all I'm saying. So let's see you in a bit. It's been good.

Look, there's the Twinnings tea shop. That's where they do coffee as well, Twinnings, I I think that must be the roasty smell coming from over there there's also a lot of ye olde coffee shops on there that probably do a lot of their own grinding so grinding and roasting cut and thrust duck and dive nip and weave grind and roast suck and thrust anyway and thrust. Must do better at two-word coinage. Eli, must do anything. No, I'll... Must do something.

I will. I'll coin another two-word... Flip and pan. Eb and flow. Rice and dice. Go on. Make one up. I'll make one up then.

Watch this. Watch this. Catch and fetch. What? It's good, I like it. Yeah, thank you. That's what you play with the randy dog, isn't it? Watch this. Watch this. Catch and fetch. It's good. I like it. Yeah, thank you. That's what you play with a randy dog, isn't it? Yeah, when you play with a randy dog, you play catch and then he fetches.

Yeah. Play fetch and fetch. Yeah, fetch and fetch. Stroke a dog off. Right, okay, we've got to cut back, mate, in general, from this point on, from the rampant amount of dog abuse material we do in our podcast our dog character now that's true anyway look let's shut this off to himself i'm shutting this off we've talked for too long right so we are in goth square uh which is just next to the ye olde Cheshire Cheese Pub, which we'll be ending on.

Goth with a G-H rather than a... T-H. Goth. But I wouldn't be surprised if some Goths were around here. Maybe. So, look, before we go in, mate, there's one thing that we need to do a sound effect for that we're not going to be able to do because I can't be arsed. But there's a taxi driver scene.

And in it, a lady goes, can I go here? He goes, yes. She says how much. He tells her. She gets in. It drives off. I've got some sound effects of a taxi driver scene. And in it, a lady goes, can I go here? He goes, yes. She says how much. He tells her. She gets in. It drives off. I've got some sound effects of a taxi cab. I just need you and me to do a little bit of improvisation

to set the scene of a modern taxi driver. Okay. Yeah? I'll do it, and I'll subtly drop in some things that make it modern, OK? London taxis will take you anywhere. Sometimes. Oh, oh, oh, taxi! Where to, love?

Can you take me to St Paul's? Yeah, jump in. How long is that? That's a rather personal question. Oh. Don't say how long is that. No one says how long is that. He says it in the fucking clip.

Okay, start again. This is exactly like the Monty Python sketch. Yeah, it is. How long is it? Right, here we go. Taxi. Where to? St Paul's, please.

Yeah, jump in. And how long is that? Oh, it's about five minutes. Just one thing. Contactless. It's not working. Oh, I've already got my card. I can do other things.

It's like that website. You're on, you're on. Sex cam website. Is this a sex cam website? Say no more. Say no on, you're on, you're on. Sex cam website. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is this a sex cam website? Say no more. Say no more. Another multi-prifing thing.

All right. Say no more. Cush, cush. Nudge, nudge. Nudge, nudge. Right, yeah. So you... Just so we're clear.

This parrot is dead. Start again. Yeah, okay. Taxi. This time you have the cash, okay, so we can continue with the scene. But you said it was contactless. I'm saying the contactless isn't working, so you need to have cash money.

Right, OK, got it. And that's another 2024 thing. Right, OK, good. All right? OK, good, got it. Taxi? Where to? Oh, St Paul's, please.

No problem. Jump in, love. Is it far? About five minutes. Just one thing. The contactless machine not working. Oh I've got 20 pounds, will that cover it? That should cover it, yeah just about. And can I suck your dick? Taxi! No, er, yeah, I had that Natasha Bedingfield in the back the other day.

You can't say anything these days. It's too woke. No, no, I'm not into that. What? Get out of the cab. Oh, shit. That will do. That will do.

Let's just go into the Cheshire Cheese, order a drink. You didn't take that seriously. No, we've got another bit to do to fake, remember? What bit? The taxi and we're faking the policeman. We're going to do Speaker's Corner. Speaker's Corner. Right, let's just do the cop one first.

Okay, what does the cop say? What happens then? You're the cop and a woman comes up to him and goes, do you know... This doesn't matter. It's great. Oh, policeman. Madam, how can I help?

Hello, hello, hello. No, I'm not saying it. You're not going to say hello, hello, hello? Hello, hello, hello. No, I'm not saying it. You're not going to say hello, hello, hello? Hello, madam. Start again. All right, OK. Oh, please. Hello, madam.

I'm lost and I'm wondering if you could tell me the street I'm looking for, where it is. I'll try and help you. What street are you looking for? 999 Let's Be Street. Let's Be Street? I think that's just off Let's Be Street. Let's Be Street. I think that's just off Let's Be Avenue. Now, can I suck your wiggly, please? Right, we're going into the pub now.

London taxis take you anywhere. Welcome to Madame Tussauds, please. Can you tell me about how far it is? Oh, it's a bare mile and a half up the Maryburn Road. OK, that's fine. Can you tell me how much this is going to cost, approximately? About four and six minutes. Oh, OK, lovely then, thank you.

And here we are in our final destination, Mr Silverman. We're in the Ye Olde Cheshire Cheesy Pub. In the cellar. In the cellar. And what is the... Cos I haven't listened recently. Speak into the microphone, just cos it's going to be soft this time of night. I haven't listened recently speak into the microphone just because it's going to be soft this time of night I haven't listened recently to

what the original record that was the inspiration for this episode today yeah but there's what's the sound like

the soundscape on the record of this location ye old ye oldie Cheshire Cheese Cheshire Cheese yeah Cheshire Cheese

Cheshire yeah Cheshire Cheese used to be used to be a pub by me called the Cheshire Cheese? Well, are you right? Yeah, Cheshire Cheese. Cheshire Cheese? Yeah, Cheshire Cheese. There used to be a pub by me called the Cheshire Cheese Pub. It was known really as a gay bar back then. What, the one near you? Or was it the Cheddar Cheese? Either way, it was a cheese-based pub for gay people.

I can't see any cheese in here. There's obviously a reason why it was called the Cheshire Cheese Pub. I bet they don't even have cheese here. You could ask. Excuse me, sir, where's my cheese? Oh, there's some info over there. Go read it and bring back your recce. Can we mention...

No, I'll come with you. Can we mention my flask, please? If you want to mention your flask, now's the time. Right. Reading it out for Eli. Then he can talk about his fucking thing. So, Ye Olde Cheshire Cheese, rebuilt in 1667. A pub has stood on this site of Ye Olde Cheshire Cheese since 1538.

Indeed, even earlier, the site formed part of the guest house for the 19th century Carmelite monastery. Ye Olde Cheshire Cheese is one of London's few remaining 17th century chop houses rebuilt from the great fire of london in 1666 the house prescribes the atmosphere of the intervening centuries through 16 reigns associations with samuel johnson charles dickens and other literary lines are recorded in their archives one such such is the Iron Knocker, which is reputed to be one taken from the door of Oliver Goldsmith's house before it was demolished in 1830.

The Chop Room is a traditional dining room where you can find a long oak table in which Dr Johnson, Charles Dickens and others have sat and ate over the years. No mention of why it's called that, the cheese, no. Very historic, isn't it? Charles Darwin. have sat and ate over the years. No mention of why it's called that, the cheese, no. There's a few pictures of shit. Very historic, isn't it? Charles Darwin.

Dickens. Although Darwin might have been here. No, he was... He was against cheese. He was against... Socialising in cheese. It's Samuel Smith's now, Which is a chain, a pub chain I've gone for their Imperial Stout

Strawberry beer for me It's fine Does the job It's not my favourite stout I've ever tasted No But it was bottled, wasn't it? Look, but there's two They're not big bottles

I think the bottles have shrunk Oh, they have. The bottles used to be bigger. Did you see? For two bottles of beer, it costs 15 quid. Yes, I know how much I spent on that fucking booze. It was the Patreon money. No, I used my card.

Did you? Yeah. So you can thank me for that now. Thank you. Look, ground floor, 1919. So this is one floor up. William's room, the dining room. All these photos were taken in 1919.

But anyway, we're here now. Let's talk now about Eli's flask. Hey, everyone. Flask news. Flask update. So he's moved on from a child urinary pot with vaginal adapters. I saw that, Paul. I'll send you that photo. You can post it. But you need to put it to our audience. It's not like a day of the Triffids character.

So, you may remember on last week's episode, I put forward a charity shop showcase which was a toddler's travel potty. I went to the same charity shop just the other day, Paul. Yeah.

And they had the female version which has a big vagina cup with a prong. It looks like a flower with the stamen coming out. It looks like a triffid. But it has the same elephant head motif.

A piss triffid. But please do show that because... I'll show it. It'll be on our website, thechiefs.co.uk. Would that have got into a charity shop showcase? No.

Just, anyway... But also, love an update on the Toddler's Potty. Yeah. I hate that that's what our content is. Update on Toddler's Potty. Has been... Yeah. Utilised.

Have you used it? and it's very good. Well, now when people say to Eli, you don't have a pot to piss in, he can turn around and say, actually, yes, I do, and it has an elephant's face on the front. Listen. One other thing. I bought a second-hand flask, everyone.

Cello Splash is the famous one. Like a camera, almost. That's why I was going to do a whole bit today where I pretended it was a recording device and I was doing my own backup recording I couldn't be arsed you would say that but look it's shaped this is made by a company called

Iron Star Lion Star and they started in Jakarta in 1972. But I believe they still manufacture and sell products, mainly in Nigeria, strangely. It's a big flat thermos. It is a thermos. The thermos isn't working very well. The coffee that I put in a few hours ago has gone tepid. But I love the pure 70s...

Nice orange. Khaki and orange. What's that, terracotta orange kind of thing? It's more like 70s sci-fi lounge orange, isn't it? For want of a better description. What was it, Cool Runnings kind of? Silent Running. Yes.

Cool Runnings as a Jamaican bombsite film. Cool Runnings is a Jamaican bop, so cool. Got it. Your brain garbage, I swear. What's that other Runnings film with Billy Crystal and Gregory Hines? What's that other Runnings film? Smooth Runnings? Midnight Runnings. No, Midnight Run is the Bob De Niro.

I've got the runs. It's not called Runnings, that Billy Crystal film. It is. It generally is. If I just put Billy Crystal and what was the guy called? Gregory Hines. Hines, yeah. The dancer.

Action film. I'm pretty sure it's something like Something Running. We'll soon find out. We didn't do any other films together, did we? Not as far as I know. Listen, I'll let you do that while I wrap up. Well, talk about my flask. You've talked about it now.

It's a nice flask. We've done enough. You see photos on the website. Send me a picture. Right, so that was The Cheap Show for this week. We're going to end this segment with two audio slices, one from the modern-day Cheshire Cheese, one from the past from the album.

We're playing out with that. But we're going to sign off now. For everything you want Cheap Show related, go to thecheapshow.co.uk and if you would like to support us on patreon and be the people who help keep the lights on here go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show give what you can but only if you can and we'll see you next week eli you were right about the word running being in the title of that film but it was in the opposite position yeah you gotred. Yeah, you got it. Running Scared, Cool Runnings, Midnight Run...

And Silent Running. That's the Runnings trilogy. The runs. It's a 2001 colour, this orange. Either way, we like it. I would have put that in the showcase, mate. You should have waited. Really? I know, but...

Do you want to say anything before we say goodbye and leave to the sign-off? House of Pickles sound show. Soho Radio. Two till four. This Sunday coming up. That's it? That'll do.

I know. Thank you. I love you all. Old episodes of where? Oh, I can't remember. Just look for Soho Radio, House of Pickle Sounds, and just find out that way. You'll find them.

It's Blogspot. Remember Blogspot? Yeah, but I got that cleaned out. It was too much fibre. You have a bum doctor who cleans out your bum watches. You've got a... Is that what you're spending the Patreon money on? Her name is Nurse Arshwash, and she cleans me out every Thursday night.

Is this one of the characters who's going to be phoning up next week? I mean, it might. I might invite Nurse Bumwash to come along. Remember, everyone, we are auditioning new characters for Cheap Show throughout the month of February. Who knows who will stick? It's like X Factor, except considerably worse. I've got a new flask. Yeah, you've said that. Say goodbye.

Goodbye, everyone. And we're going to leave you with the last sounds of London. Ye olde Cheshire cheese pub. We'll see you next week. Take care. Bye-bye. Bye. Bye. Always feel a rainbow at the end of these things. Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce you now to the basement of the old Cheshire Chief.

Because down here goes back over 700 years, 1254. At one time it was part of the guesthouse of a white friar's monastery. The Carmelite monks used to live around here. In 1584, it was called then the Horns Tavern, two stories high, a wooden building, and the Horns Tavern was the one which was done down near the outskirts of the Great Fire of London, 1666, a year after the Black Plague. And to finish our audio trip through London, the sounds of the self-same wine cellar, only 57 years later. Thank you. Down Waterloo Road Down Waterloo Road Down Waterloo Road

Friday night, Saturday, Monday night, Wednesday Down Waterloo Road OK, so podcast addendum. I'm adding this to the very end. Eli, I've got a joke I want to run past you. OK. And you've got to give me your honest feedback. Alright. What does

Al Pacino use in the shower? A loofah. A loofah. I knew it. I got it. It's good. Come on, high five me. That's all I wanted to know. That's all I wanted to say. Loofah. That's it. A loofah. It's good. It's nice and concise.

That's all. Bye, everyone. The problem is I knew what the punchline was going to be. Doesn't matter, we still laughed, we had a great time, we bonded. Yes we did, thank you. And I think it stands legitimately. Anyway, that's all, bye everyone. Basically, it won't work. Loofah.

Loofah. Loofah. That's good. I mean, it's not great. It's not great, but it will do.