CheapShow - Ep 371: Sauce Of The Gladiators

Episode Date: February 16, 2024

Do you feel the power of the Gladiators? Can you face the challenge of the champions? Do you have the courage of a hero? Do you have the will and the skill? Paul and Eli are going to find out this week when they attempt to play a board game based on the hit 1990s Saturday evening TV series, “Gladiators”. They’ll reminisce over their memories of the show, cover a tiny bit of its history and poke about for any mucky anecdotes before throwing down the board and playing the game… Which is probably for the best because game… Well, it’s not great! Also, after a bit of a break, Eli is back with his “Sauce Report” with a number of sweet and hot condiments to slurp down. Was it a good idea to resurrect this segment, or will the Cheap Chaps just be slurping down out of date sauce until the end of days? Find out this week, in a show packed with new characters, old gags and vast amounts of nonsense words. See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-371-sauce-of-the-gladiators And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter/X @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid www.thecheapshow.co.uk Now on Threads: @cheapshowpod Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Hi, everyone. It's time again for that time we all love. We love it. You love it. It's Cheap Show time again. And Paul Gannon's there. I'm Eli Silverman, in case you forgot our names. Also, I have a little Tales from the Dance Floor.

You're not doing it now. You don't get to do it now. Because it's a cold open. You just berated me in a segment we have now cut and stuck at the end of this episode because you didn't think it was good enough. You can't do it. It's a cold open. You can't give us nothing to do in the second bit.

And then you go, oh, I'm going to do my tails on the dance floor, which invariably is fucking awful. This one's good. It's not. Is it? Is it? Yes.

How much am I going to put money on whether I'm going to be impressed by this? It's a little amusing little anecdote. I'll give you one pound coin. A little dance floor DJ. If it gets a genuine emotion out of me. Any emotion? What about boredom and irritation?

Is that an emotion? Is boredom an emotion? It certainly is. Is it? Is boredom an emotion? It's not an emotion. Do you feel boredom in the same way you feel love? I guess you could on reflection.

Not in the same way. In a different way. That's why they're different emotions. You never hear songs about boredom, do you, that often? What is boredom if it's not an emotion? A state of being. Just a state of mind? State of mind. You know, like New York City. Every state of's not an emotion. A state of being. Just a state of mind. State of mind.

You know, like New York City. Every state of mind is an emotion. If I'm interested, is that an emotion? Guttering. I don't know why you said that. I don't know why you said guttering. I just weirdly came out. Guttering.

I don't know why I said guttering. Oh, no. Is this the cold open then? It's going to have to betering. All right, Paul. Oh, no. Is this the cold open then? It's going to have to be now. That's the fucking thing. I said gutting. Oh, no. Hello, gutting.

Hello. Hello. No characters. No characters yet. I've got to think of a fucking name for one. When they come in. Here we go. Cheap show.

Press the fucking credits. Off-Round, Roundup. Off-Round, Roundup. Press the fucking credits. Sources and words and phrases. Two things I'm responsible for. Chodney. Chodney Borough. I hate you, I've got to be moved with posse. Jeep Showtime! Chodney Borough. Jeep Showtime!

It's the Price of Shite Welcome to Cheap Show I'll do my dance floor now then Let's do the bit you told me off about not doing in the cold open So I'm going to do it now Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Cheap Show The economy comedy podcast where Eli and I go for the bargain bins The charity shops and pound lands et al of great britain weekly everybody and we bring you the treasure we find amongst that trash and hey let's get straight into it eli no finny fannying let's get straight

into it tells from the dance floor a segment of the show where my co-host eli silverman and late night dj regaled you with a story of his exploits at a late night DJ location. Take it away. Paul, I can just assure you, just before I start, there will be neither any finnying or fannying. I hope there's no fannying right now. Or finnying. Finnying I'm fine with. Bit of finny, bit of finny I don't mind.

Bit of fanny, I don't want it. I don't want no fanny. Anyway, I get to the venue. Gimme finny. I just set up. I haven't even played my first record. I'm just getting everything set up. Yeah, haven't even played my first record i'm just getting everything set up yeah so you just get your boxes the young lady gets on the stage

here we go and um they are spanish oh dear or something like that portuguese spanish are you going to do the voice you're going to the accent they say to me here we go it's part of the story this is part of the story all rightancelled in five. This is part of the story. All right, okay. They go, excuse me, is... Italian. Sort of like that, whatever. Oh, dear. If it's a Spanish, how does a Spanish sound? I'm not going to try.

Why? I respect my audience. Why are you taking the higher ground? After Cardinal Sin, he said a meatball last week. It's a dog mess, into the mouth. You know what I mean? Fucking hell. All right, okay.

Well, I don't know. I don't know. It's weird. Spanish is a mouth. You know what I mean? Fucking hell. You're all right. Okay. Well, I don't know. I don't know. Actually, it's weird. Spanish is a hard one for me to do. She went, excuse me. God, this could be. You know what? I think I do owe you a pound.

Because I'm feeling shame. I'm feeling embarrassment for you. Good. I didn't expect that. I thought you might be bored and irritated. No, not yet. At least shame is actually. So be bored and irritated no not yet that's a good good emotion um she goes uh uh can i make an apologize she says can i make an apologize you're turning this podcast into mind your language a 70s sitcom can i make an apologize for uh do a leaper she goes my sister birthday can i make an apologize for do a leap

okay and i go what and it occurs to me she must think that the word request is apologize i mean you should apologize for suggesting the sound guy who was helping me set up and setting up the mics for the musicians everything yeah comes over and goes he sort of goes actually no one's actually allowed up here right so could you sorry please go back to the escorted her off it needed to happen right that's the tales from the dance floor everybody oh dear i don't know eli about you do you felt an emote you were along with that oh zippy you're such a naughty boy i'm not bungle i amle nor Zippy. All right, it's a shame. You said you wanted to be Zippy, as long as I'm Geoffrey.

I listened to that... Having some fun in the garden, looking at pictures of trees. Right, let me just figure out where you're going. Having some fun in the garden. This is a rainbow. This is Rod, Jane and Freddie. That's the song, yeah. But it was Matt, Jane and Freddie.

This is the Matt, Jane and Freddie years, when it was Matt Corbett, the soon-to-be parental figure behind the So sooty character yes sorry i'm making a noise on the much can you hear my chair yeah but this is a bit squeaky too well it ain't my bam bam no i wasn't going to suggest the squeaky sounds with your bum bum i know what your bum bum sounds like and jesus christ please see a doctor does it call you in the night yeah does it ring ring ring ring it goes and i pick up and then I hear and I'm Paul it's Eli's

fucking pommel. No, this is merging close to a new character and we only get one. I'm Eli's arsehole. A new character

on Chief's show. No, no. Oh, I miss you, Paul. Paul, can I ask and I could let me hang out. Paul, can I ask... I like it when we hang out. Paul, can I ask now? Yeah.

What have we got coming up in this week's episode of Cheap Show? Well, by popular demand, we are bringing back the source report. Long, long abandoned. Not abandoned. It was. There was just no source happening. There's no source news. The source is already always there, bubbling under.

It's, you know, a lot of people have, you know, they've tried to break down what is the essential secret that makes this podcast what it is, Paul. Yes. That makes it funny, that makes it informative. That makes it funny. That makes it meaningful. That makes it, gives it meaning.

Gives people's lives meaning. Gives life meaning. Gives my life meaning, your life meaning. Not so much. And those things, these academics who've written these papers, Paul, that only I have access to on my computer. Do you know what they say? Of course not.

I don't have access. I don't have access to... It went down the wrong hole. Paul. You made it go down the wrong hole. Paul. You made it go down the wrong hole. Paul. Oh, yeah. If I give you just the title of one of these papers,

you'll see what I mean. Yeah. One of them's called Source, the Foundation of Cheap Show Humour. Yeah, who wrote that? Part one. Who wrote that paper? Oronix Ron Rononix.

Rononix Ron Rononix. Oronix Ron Rononix. Foreshadowing. New character. Professor. What was his name? Professor Rononix. Rononix.

Ron Rononix. Yeah, of course. Quite well. That's enough from us this week. Oh, let's go home. You were already home. Dear. I want to get the super Lube home, Paul.

Lucky boy. You haven't even said what was coming up on the fucking show. I said source report. Oh, yes, source report. That's sobering. Yes, it's coming up soon, unfortunately. And then? And then we have a Ganon's Golden Games,

where I found the board game, and it's a little bit, oh, on the nose. A little bit combative. A little bit combative. A little bit combative. What? Combative. Combative. Guttering.

Oh, it's not as funny the second time, is it? No, it's certainly not. Never go back to guttering. Maybe the third time, but save it. You've got that in your back pocket. I'll put my guttering in my back pocket. Hello, everybody. Just to let you know, Paul will be saying the word guttering one more time at least this episode.

One more. And what's it going to be? Is it going to be a the word guttering one more time at least this episode. And what's it going to be? Is it going to be a big hitter? I don't think so. Why am I whispering? I don't know. Right, okay, so we're doing that. I don't know who I am. We're doing that, and we're going to do that later.

God, you look like you're on daytime TV with those glasses on and the headphones and that shirt. Sorry. Don't attack me. Just because I'm dressed. I was going to do this episode nude. Really? And then what? Jack off in your gut.

Jack off in my gut. That's what I wanted to hear. Yeah, well, unfortunately. I want to hear that hollow sound of flecks of jism hitting the back of my throat. Hit the back of your... The palate. The hard palate. You're guttering.

No. Wasted. Wasted. I fucking chucked my muck down your guttering mate How about that Boom boom Oh dear Boom boom

You fucking You've got tics Your mouth is full of tics Like a fucking Yeah your bed's got fucking tics as well You dirty bastard Oh Oh dear

That's it We've got to tap out now. Time for sources. Tap the fucking button. Get the sources out. Well, we have lots of fun on this podcast, so let's carry on with the fun now in a segment we call The Source Report.

Why is it a report? Well, it's because it's a segment where we discuss source trends, what's coming up in the world of source. What's coming up in the world of sauce what's coming up in the world of sauce why don't you tell me of course and also condiments we cover any kind of spreadable sauce we've got a we have a wide spreadable sauce yeah like sound like hind sandwich spread fair enough it's that's not a sauce sandwich spread, but they wanted to rebrand salad cream, which

technically isn't a sauce either. Well, yeah, that's a sauce. It's a dressing. Oh, yeah. You see? Once you start drawing these hard lines, listen, I'm a man of an open constitution, and I'm willing to discuss all sorts of sauces, condiments,

spreads, chutneys, as we've discussed at length. Chutney is included in the pantheon of sauces. For me, sauce is the most general. Yeah. Okay, so we've got three sauces coming up on the report. I don't know, you tell me. This is your report, isn't it?

I'm just sitting here enjoying the bants. All three of the sauces we will be tasting, Paul, will be sauces that have been sent to us by our listeners. And I think that should tell you something about the need within our listenership for the source report to exist and keep going forward. Right. Source report forever.

Okay, well, just get on with it then. You're not doing a very good job. Now, tell me, Eli, please, what's the source report today? Two of these sources... Are not like the other. Two of these sources... Are not like the other. We're in the box that we did the rummage. Two of these sources are not the same. Two of these sources are not like the other.

It's time to play our game. It's time to play the game. Time to play our game. Except it's not a game, and that trivialises what is a very serious tasting of sauces given to us by listeners. Mate. I don't know how to overemphasise this more.

You've heard of Squid Game. You've heard of Squid Game. I've heard of Squid Game. Source Game. That's it. I'll leave it with you. I'll leave it with you. I'll show you the door. Source Game.

I'll say no. Pass. Hard pass on Source Game. Think about it. Everyone's fighting through source-based challenges to win the source. Listen, I've told you where

I've sourced this source. The source is the listeners, of course, of the source. Listen, I've told you where I've sourced this source. The source is the listeners, of course, of this source, right? You know he's a ghost, a horse, of course. He got a horsey horse, Mr. Ed. What are we doing? There's no letter. Literally what you see right there is everything that was sent. Well, there is a little thing here.

Yeah, but I know that's you. Ho, ho! Oh, there's a little Price of Shite. Is there? Sub game. Oh. Look, ho! Oh, there's a little Price of Shite sub game. Look, this says enjoy Shane and Sean. Thank you very much. I think Shane and Sean

are also the ones trying to get you that rooster sauce. No, this is the confusion. I think there was some confusion. Was there? Oh, yes,

because the rooster had run out and then they posted a photo of this. Sriracha. Sriracha. Thank you. Because we want to do

a Sriracha blind taste comparison test. We do. In a segment we call Off Brand Brand. Off Brand Brand. Now, I'm going to... But we need that rooster. It'd be good to have that rooster brand. Yes.

And then we can compare it with the dominant Sriracha brand over on this side of the pond. Yes. Which is Flying Goose. Which is Flying Goose. But it's all rooster out in the States. It's all rooster. And I believe rooster was the original one. Yeah.

That was invented by that guy. The American, Vietnamese immigrant. Yeah, we've been all there. We've been to that location before. We've been to Sriracha. Are you still up for doing a Sriracha off-brand off? So thank you. And if you can get hold of the rooster, we still want it.

But look, there's a little mini envelope with the price. I don't know why I didn't notice that. So don't open that up and look at the price. You just did. All I did was this. He's always at it. I didn't know it was going to be a game. As soon as there's a concealed price somewhere,

he's at it, scratching along. He's like a magician, you know, where they just sort of, like a spoon bender, where they're just kind of giving it a little bend, a little, you know, you start work on the fucking answer. Getting the answer out so you can win. A betwing, it's a meaningless thing. I'm just going to say this.

Okay, so this was sent from abroad. I don't know what the currency is of the thing that we got. Was it abroad? Yes. US, wasn't it? Well, that's the thing. Is it going to be in dollars? Is it in pounds?

Have they converted it? It might be worth me looking so you can have a guess. Okay, fine. You have a look, Paul, yeah. That's all I'm saying. Because it's not the price of shite we're playing here. But it's nice of them to include that in a little envelope like that. Is it in pounds?

Is it in dollars? What's that? I'm going to show you this. I think that's euro. Yes, that's euro, yeah. Okay, so it's in euros then? Okay, cool. That's very, very close to pounds.

Okay, fine. All right. So with that, I've seen the price now. It's almost exactly the same as a dollar, I think. Isn't it? Give or take. Look, either way, either way, you're going to have to guess the price now. It's almost exactly the same as a dollar I think, isn't it? Give or take. Look, either way, you're going to have to guess the price of that.

Let's tell everyone what this sauce is first. Subi chilli sauce. I don't know because there's an accent, there's an umlaut over the U and the B is like one of those non, it's not British B. It's not uniform B. It's a weird B, like a Thai B I think maybe. Oh, I don't know. Is it a Thai sauce?

I believe it is. Subi chilli sauce pho hun, brackets piquant, I think, maybe. Oh, I don't know. Is it a Thai sauce? I believe it is. Subi Chilli Sauce for Hun. Brackets, piquant, which must mean piquant, spicy. Okie dokie. Sweet chilli sauce for chicken. Now, we've all had sweet chilli sauce, Thai sweet chilli sauce. We have. This seems to be a sub-brand that is designed specifically for chicken. What would make a sweet chilli sauce more suitable for chicken itself, Paul?

Garlic, I reckon. Maybe garlic. Does it not usually have garlic in it? It usually does. Okay, so then that would be special. So maybe they've added

some kind of herbs or spices to it? Maybe. I would like to know. So the other two sauces we have are from the rummage box that we did last week, Paul.

Okay. So those are slightly out of date. Ah, fuck it. It's sauce. It's sauce, so they're preserved. Yeah. But also...

Are they shelf-stable? They are totally shelf-stable. Oh, there you go. In fact, that one says shelf-stable. No need to refrigerate that one. Good. The larger bottle says. But the other one is the kick-ass sriracha.

Right. Which is likely to be much hotter. So let's start, because we don't want to ruin our palate. Yes. No, I agree. Let's start with this one. But let me see if I can find out anything

just before we taste this. All right. Well, look, I just want to ruin our palate. Yes, no, I agree. Let's start with this one. But let me see if I can find out anything just before we taste this. All right. Well, look, I just want to see what the ingredients are, if there's anything distinguishing it from a standard. It's 800 grams, so it's a big old bottle. It's a big bottle. And it says cock around the rim. Does it?

It says cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock. No, it does say cock a lot. You snatched it away again. God, you're such a snatchy bastard. I'm sorry. Grabby man. I know you don't like it when I snatch, and it's not grabby grubby man cock brand cock yeah so this is the same brand well it's just a rooster is it a cock or no it is cock is different there's so many chicken based brands

aren't there i guess did you look up the answer you wanted did you get up the answer you wanted now i'm looking at the ingredients here pa Paul. First ingredient, sugar, water, red chillies, 16% garlic, salt, cornstarch, and that's it. So, I don't know what's different. Maybe I was right and it is the garlic that distinguishes it. Maybe. Because garlic and chicken is a match made in heaven. Come on.

Let's do it. Let's scoop it. Do you like a normal... Chili sauce, yeah. A sweet chili sauce. Yeah, but I like it with spring rolls to dip in, that kind of thing. I don't usually have it with a meat, to be fair. Great with spring rolls, isn't it? And also, I love it on eggs.

Oh, yeah. No, I've had it on eggs. Like Thai sweet. Yeah. I genuinely have. Because I like making my fried eggs a bit more flavorful. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, chili sauce and eggs is any kind of chili sauce.

But often I go for a dry one like an Encona. Yes. And salt. But I like herbs and things on mine. I like a bit of rosemary and stuff. I mean, sriracha is very similar in the type of sauce that it is to this. But it is a different inconsistency. Watery, isn't it, almost?

No, this is like clear, has clear. And you can see bits of chili sort of floating around in it. And it's like syrup or sugar syrup almost. Yeah. The consistency. Whereas sriracha obviously has much more ketchup-like consistency. I hate this segment. Come on, get your spoon.

I've got it. Look, ha ha ha. You've got your spoon ready. Got me spoon. It's a big spout, isn't it? Ooh. Can I have a hoof? That's a lovely smell.

Lovely, lovely smell. But I can't see any difference. Well, yeah, it's very garlicky. It's a bit vinegary. You can get a bit of the chilli on the nose. So that's all right. I'm going to pour a little bit out. I wouldn't think this would be that hot, but don't overdo it, Paul.

Right. Let's give this a taste. It seems fine. Ooh. Ooh, it's a lot sweeter than I thought it was going to be. Ooh, that's very sweet. That is sickly sweet. Wow.

It loses a lot of its tang with that sweetness. It's overwhelming sweetness, isn't it? It's got a little spice at the back, little tiny little sparkles of spice at the back, but way too sweet. It's got that kind of sweet, sweet, sweet tomato, like hyper sriracha almost sweetness. Yeah, it's very similar. Like I say, the constituents are almost exactly what a sriracha is. Sriracha sauce.

Obviously it's a quantity thing then. Sriracha sauce is chili, sugar garlic just like that is i guess on a on chicken yeah i can see what it's the chicken was nice and salty with some salt to balance out that sweet you know the chicken on the bottle looks quite roasted but i would it to me it's unbalanced just in the mouth yeah it is it's too sweet too sweet okay too sweet for Okay. Too sweet for our sport, you know. I just want to know why that's... Perhaps it's just a marketing thing. They go, this one's for chicken.

I mean, why would they do that, though? Why is there a general one? And I can't tell the difference. Well, it's that whole thing about ragout, isn't it? Don't worry about the perfect flavour of ragout. Make loads of different ragouts and sell things that way. Source number two on today's report, everybody.

Source number two. Finally enough,, everybody. Source number two. Finally enough, the unusual thing about this is the sweet element because this is a blue agave sriracha. Oh, okay. So they've used blue agave.

Yeah. I wonder why they'd call it blue agave. Because it tells naughty jokes. You know, that kind of stuff. It tells rude jokes. What if it was just an agave that was dead

and you kept it in the cellar and every day you went, hello, blue agave, you crumbly lips. No, I don't know. I don't know how to relate to that at all. That story sounds... It's blue because he's dead, isn't it?

It's horrible. It could be blue. What if he's sad agave? Blah, blah, blah. Sad agave. What about sad agave? Oh, sad agave. How are you doing, agave?

Perhaps it's a weeping agave. I've got a weeping agave, mate. Fuck me. I have to sob it with some cotton wool, mate. I've never heard of blue agave before because famously, blue is a colour that puts people off food, isn't it? Is it? Yeah, I think it's like you eat less if it's served to you on a blue plate

and blue foods were not accepted or... Well... Because toothpaste is blue, you think? Yeah, but that would mean it's kind to you on a blue plate and blue foods were not accepted or... Well... Because toothpaste is blue, you think? Yeah, but that would mean it's kind of coded for medicine. Well, when Biffo and I did that digitized video on the Sonic the Hedgehog curry, that was just a normal...

It tasted like vegetable curry, but it was blue. And it is off-putting, even though, as I said in the video, if it was orange, scoffy, scoffy, scoff, it'd be fine. So I wonder why they'd use that if they're not aware that just the word blue in the title of this sauce might be off-putting.

Well, here's the thing with sauces, though. It's more like it's invoking something rather than saying what it is. I'm just going to have a little closer look at this. You couldn't have done this before we got recording today? No, I forgot. It's by Yellow Bird Sauce Company. They make custard, remember? Made inxas paul and this is a little cute little bottle it's almost like a uh little what is it not pipette it's got one of those

little narrow spots i mean there's going to be pictures on our website anyway so now the sweetener is the second uh in the ingredients here the first one is better red jalapeno well that's good what do you like in a good sriracha? You know what I actually do? I like that kind of roasted burnt almost kind of flavour you get sometimes with the darker types, you know? I like that kind of charred, roasted kind of flavour. Yeah, the smokiness, like a chipotle

sriracha. Yeah, a little bit. I wonder if they ever do that because srirachas aren't smoky generally. No, they're not, but we have had a sriracha. Really? Yeah, you had those loads of different srirachas that time that came in the little thing with the wooden screw tops, and one of them was like this dark smoky one're not, but we have had. Really? Yeah, you had those loads of different srirachas that time that came in the little thing with the wooden screw tops, and one of them was like this dark, smoky one. Yeah, but was it a sriracha style, or was it just a smoky hot sauce?

Do you see what I mean? Oh, I thought it... Oh, I don't know. I'm sure they have done like a chipotle sriracha, because sriracha is very distinct and recent, as we've discussed before. Anyway. But a sriracha has that consistency that's closer to a ketchup, and it's also garlic sugar and chili as i said fine like a lot of um like smoked pepper hot sauces will just have the chili and the vinegar okay what i mean yeah yeah yeah and that's like a pure hot okay well maybe it wasn't a sriracha but i definitely anyway i prefer that

kind of hot sauce anyway oh it's a tomatoey smell sriracha has even though it doesn't contain any it's weird smell this it's the paradox and it's the paradox oh this, Sriracha has, even though it doesn't contain any. It's weird. Smell this blue agave. It's the paradox. Oh, this has got a very sweet... It has a very sweet... Odour. On the snuff now. Yeah, but that last one was much more vinegary, and I expected that to be tartar.

I can see how this is not going to be as sweet as I think it is. Can you? Yeah, I think so. Oh, it's got a little knobble here. How am I meant to open this knobble? I'm not bothering. I've just put it on the spoon that way. Yeah, well done so. Oh, it's got a little knobble here. How am I meant to open this knobble? I'm not bothering. I've just put it on the spoon that way.

Yeah, well done. You know, cut out the middleman, Eli. Cut out the middleman. Cut out it out. Why fiddle with a nozzle when you can put it right in your gob?

Yes. Don't bother with a nobble knobble. Put it in the bibble bobble. Something like that. Blue agave! We'll workshop that one. Right. Scratchy, scratchy, scratchy.

Do you want to just play catch up or do you just want to say random shit again like you always do? Because I'm going to go in. I'm going to go in. I'm ready to go now. Paul, how is the blue agave straccia? Does it taste stale?

Because it is a few months out of date. Okay. I don't know, honestly, if it tastes stale or not. It's quite subtle, actually. You're not reacting too well to it. Can you taste the rot in it or something? No. I was going to say, it doesn't taste off, really.

But I got some sediments on the pieces of chilli. Yeah, there's little bits of grit to it. That's not pleasant, is it? You just got unlucky. I got little bit finer bits of grit. I don't think that should be, but oh, that's definitely hotter, right, than our first sauce.

Oh, it's definitely hotter than the first one. And the vinegar's more distinct in the flavour. And substantially less sweet. Yeah, it's more balanced. That's nice. I actually like that.

Yeah. That's fine. Are you getting a sort of almost apple juicy thing from the blue agave? A little bit? Like a little bit apple concentrated? No. Not me, personally. No. Oh, that's nice. That's nice. It's got a nice afterburn.

It does have a nice warmth. A nice aftertaste. Lovely stuff. That's very nice, actually. Take that home and use that on food. I'm going to introduce the last one because I want to. This is cool. It is a tiny little bottle, almost like a kind of little tiny medicine bottle, because on the back it's got a little cartoon version of the bottle saying

take me with you. It's a travel bottle. It's a travel bottle of ass kicking, sriracha, hot sauce, and below that it says kick your ass hot. It's another sriracha. Now, they are actually a very famous brand of hot sauce, ass kicking, yeah.

Really? Because it kind of comes across as a... As a gimmicky novelty thing. Bargain basement shit. They've been around forever, and they're like... You know that book of the world's hottest sauces? Oh, they're in that? That one, Widow was in it.

Yeah. We tried. Widowmaker. Hot mama. That was a hot one. But I've been using... I've told you, I've been using that in my noodle broth. Just like literally one drop.

And it's enough. Yeah. Now what's the smell like on this? Ass kicking. It's high Scoville. Did you see the Scovilles? No. I didn't check the Scovilles.

You want to check the Scovilles, bro? There is no heat rating on this at all. Okay. But expect this to be the hottest, basically. The second sriracha. Oh, it's very thick. Is it viscous? Maybe. It's coming slowly. It's a very thick it's very thick. Is it viscous? Maybe...

It's coming slowly. It's a very thick sauce, this one. Give it a tap on the back or something. Oh, no, it's coming, isn't it? It's coming. What's the nose? You haven't told me about the nose. I have.

Oh, maybe I didn't. You didn't. It is very roasted. You can tell it's very kind of... You can almost smell the heat, if that makes sense. It's got a kind of warm, wooden, wood-fiery kind of thing. You smell the chilli? Yeah.

Oh, it has also an apple juice. You've got this apple juice thing going on. It's a sort of apple juice, stewed tomato sort of sweetness on the nose. Right. And a sort of savoury, a sort of savoury, a savoury note, you know? Do you know what I'm getting at? Yeah, I do. Almost like a mushroomy, sort of earthy. It's a deeper. It's a deeper. It's the deepest. It's a deeper odour? Do you know what I'm getting at? Yeah, I do. Almost like a mushroomy, sort of earthy.

It's a deeper. It's a deep. It's the deepest. It's a deeper odour. Do you know what I mean? That's maybe what you're going for. It's like a deep. It's very fiery scent.

I'm going to go in. I'm ready for it. It's the brownest of all of them because they've all been quite red. Maybe it's oxidised. No, it was sealed in the lid and everything. Maybe it's donkey-ised. Oxidised. Donkey.

Ass-kicking. Ass. Did you tell them? Yeah, no, ass-kicking. Did you tell them? Yeah, no, just stop, please. Did you tell them it had a donkey on the cover? Yes, I did. I did. I said there's a little reference.

Ox-odized. Yeah, but there's no ox on the cover. There are. In a farmyard, you'd find the ox's nose. Believe me, I know. Great. Create a farmyard range of sauces and condiments, then. Yes, I would.

Ox-o. Yeah, no. Say. Yes, I would. Oxo. Yeah, no. Say what you see, Mr. Silverman. It's good, but it's not quite right. Pigtail sauces. Curly pigtail sauces. Right. I'm going to suggest we move on and just taste this,

which is what I'm going to do right now. Okay, you go first. Hmm. Salty. Very surprisingly salty. It's a bit one note. Yeah. It's very subtle almost. It's kind of like the flavour's there, then it's gone. It's hot. It's a bit one note. Yeah. It's very subtle almost.

It's kind of like the flavour's there, then it's gone. It's hot. It's a kind of peanutty aftertaste. Yeah, that's what that savoury note I was saying. That doesn't really work for me. It's a bit... It might be alright. Or eggs.

It would be fine, but I just think... I don't... I think that the... Nice bit of heat afterwards. Yeah, it's not too bad, actually. It's drier. It's the driest one we've had today. It's the driest.

I think the middle one's the best. Easily. Yeah. So that's our winner today, everybody. Say it again. It is the driest one we've had today. It's the driest. I think the middle one's the best. Easily. Yeah. So that's our winner today, everybody. Say it again. It is the Mellow Bird. Mellow Bird? Yellow Bird.

I was going to say Mellow Bird's make coffee. That's a coffee, yeah. Oh, no, Mellow Bird, you're right. They make coffee creamer, don't they? Creamer. I've given some creamer to some Mellow Birds in my time. Smugging, smugging, smugging, cream! Ooh, is it double whipped?

Churn it down. Men are horrible. Horrible things. Churn the cum down. Men are horrible. Horrible things. Churn the cum down. Churn the cum down, Mr. Silverman. Just read out what's on the bottle and then I'll press stop. Yellowbirds. It was.

The winner today was Yellowbirds Blue Agave Sriracha. The Blue Agave really complimented and helped with the amplitude of that sauce. So, well done to you. Top amplitude. Blue Agave sauce. Do you agree, though, that was the nicest? Is done to you. Top amplitude. Blue agave sauce. Do you agree, though, that was the nicest? Is that reference to do?

Yes. Blue agave sauce. Do you agree that was the nicest source? Who's that who did that song? Was it the House Martins or something, or Communards?

Ooh, Savannah's song. Oh, Blue Savannah's song. I thought you'd go, ooh, sometimes. Oh, no, that's a good one. That's a good song, that one. How does that go, ooh, sometimes. Oh, no, that's a good one. That's a good song, that one. How does that go? Ooh, sometimes.

The pain is harder. The truth is I. The harder than the. Oh, no, it's not. Don't do the fist. Fucking harder than this. Aren't you dirty? I've had it hard.

Dirty, dirty boy. That's our winner, everyone. That was actually really nice. Do you agree? Yes. Why are you shrugging? Why are you shrugging? You just shrugged.

Because I'm shrugging back and mirroring you. I didn't shrug. Because I respect you. I didn't shrug shrugging you just shrugged because I'm shrugging back and mirroring you because I respect you I didn't shrug you did you shrugged hard one of my tics you shrugged hard bro

I shrugged you off shrugged you off get out of here get out of here jerk that shrug get out of here anyway oh fuck

pull the fucking muscle in my neck jerk you shouldn't start moving mate so thank you Sean and Shana but now it's time to guess the price.

Is it Shana or Shane? Sean. Shane and Sean. Oh, it might be Shane. But it's S-H-A-N-A, it reads to me. Shana. Is that A or E? Sean and friend.

Right. So, how much is the price? It's in euros. I know the price, but does he like? What's he going to think the price of the big bottle going to be? Sous-Bait chili sauce for hun picant. For chicken. Picant. Sweet chili sauce for chicken. How much?

In today's market. In today's market. I think it's probably €2.75. The higher. The higher. I was gonna say €3. Alright. Well, do you want to lock in a price then? Why did you say higher? Because the first price you gave was lower than the answer. €3.50. And the answer. €3.50.

And the answer is €5.20. Wow, inflation, mate. Very, very costly, but, you know, it could last you a while. It was imported, probably. Everything has gone up food-wise, hasn't it? Hugely. Again, it's euros, so, I don't know, what is that, €4? Yeah, it's still a lot.

€4.50, €4.80? That's a lot for a bottle of sauce. It's a lot for a bottle of sauce, you're quite right. You know, two chicken dinners. No, that would last about 12 chicken dinners. You can't make an estimate about how many chicken dinners that would last. I think I can figure out that's a good... Yeah, it wouldn't be two.

That'd be a lot of sauce. 12 to 15 chicken dinners out of that. All right. That's my final offer. If you had a lot of people over, you could do that in two goes. Well, if you've got a family of five to feed. Yeah, but now we're talking about the number of chickens. That's basically two chicken dinners.

No, that's different though. You're talking about chickens now. And I'm talking about the dinners themselves. No, I'm talking about chicken dinners. You get five family members, you have five chicken dinners. But now we're talking about numbers of chickens. Because one chicken. No, I'm not talking.

I didn't mention it. One chicken could do a family potentially, if it's 2.4 children. You bring in another family, you bring in another chicken. So now you're doubling the issues. Why are you doing a John Oliver? I'm not doing a John Oliver. I'm just saying. He sounded like John Oliver then and he was doing a thing with his hands just like John Oliver.

And he's got glasses on at the moment. So now you think I'm just being John Oliver and all I'm asking you to do is... I can't see. I can only see John Oliver. Well, can you please think of chickens? I want you to think of... It's basically a chicken per family, isn't it? John Goblet. Do you want to rate this based on chicken dinners or chickens?

I'm so bored of that now, Paul. Because it's like, it's either 15 chicken dinners or at least seven. Stop saying chicken dinner. Seven or eight chickens, isn't it? Pick one. One chicken. Seven chickens or 15 chicken dinners. I could polish that off with one chicken.

I'll fucking polish you off with a chicken. Frozen. Body temperature. Oh, nice. Nice. And on that note, we're ending this. Keep the giblet bag in there. I like when the end of the knob touches the giblet basket.

Stop it. The giblet bag. Oh. You can't reach the giblet bag. Hello. Welcome back back everybody. We're back in the room and it's time for A Ganon's Golden Games. It's A Ganon's Golden Games. Let me do that.

Alright, do it then. A Ganon's Golden Games. A Ganon's Golden Games. A here I a derry-o. It's Ganon's Golden Games. Eli's in the bush. Oh, Eli's in the bush. He's pulling it and he's tugging it and Games. Eli's in the bush. Oh, Eli's in the bush. He's pulling it and he's tugging it

and he's sitting there in the bush. He's strumming it till it comes. He's strumming it till it comes. Sticky wet patch in his dirty white plums. What has that got to do with Gannon's Golden Games? What's your stupid song ever got to do with it anyway? Well, at least it stays on topic. Do you know what else stays on topic?

The man who sits on the chocolate at the sweet shop. I knew, I knew you were thinking of the chocolate bar. What a great gag for a chocolate bar that doesn't even exist anymore. I know, but I knew you were talking about it because you've got a weird confectionery-based mind. I do. Now, before we move on to Ganon's Golden Games 4. It means I'm a bit flaky, but you know, double-based mind. I do. Now, before we move on to Galen's Golden Games 4... It means I'm a bit flaky, but, you know,

double-decker. You were going to say that as well! I knew you were going to say that then as well. You're so predictable. You're like this... Don't get your Snickers in a twist. Snickers in a twist is good. Is that right?

Yeah, that's good. Put your pants down and show me your star bar. Excuse me Hello everyone Paul What? A little thing A couple of little things before we go to the game, okay?

Right I've just looked here on the online On the Guardian Yeah Pornographic audio is podcasting's hottest new trend We'll get on that then We could do that Watch me stick me fingers in your asshole

It's good, isn't it? do that. Watch me stick me fingers in your asshole. It's good, isn't it? Stuff like that. That's what people like, isn't it? But you said watch me as well. It's an audio... I'm speaking to the person in the story with me. I know, but... There's a person watching. I just thought that was not needed.

Listen to me. Then it's included in the audience if you say, listen to me. Listen to me, the sound of... Let me do it again. Listen to me, you go in. Asshole. Right. Hello, everyone. The other thing is... Oh, no, not me.

Not me, Eli's suffered. Bumble. Eli's bumble. Bumble. Bumble. Bumble. Bumble. Bumble.

Bumble. Bumble. Bumble. Bumble. Bumble. Bumble. Bumble. But talking of characters...

Yeah, we've got an audition later. Oh, no, I saw him. He was asking... He was pouncing in the kitchen. He was asking... Yeah. He wants you to... I'll interview him, yeah,

because I know he's a bit shy. He said it's just a one-on-one. A load of books. Yeah, I don't know. Okay. That's something to look forward to, our next auditionee for new character on Cheap right this week i'll just get it's been four minutes this week why no one apart from you and i matter has any and i'm interested in how many

minutes we've been going suck on that you know audio sexy podcast oh people probably listening probably think, oh, I'm having such fun. Why don't you listen to me drizzle drip? Oh, swing it round till the spurt comes out. Give the little splat platter against your gland. Yeah, a pitter patter. I'm actually losing it a bit.

Yeah. All right. Well, if you want us to do more erotic content, we'll start a new podcast. My asshole. My asshole. My asshole. We could call it Put It In My Asshole. No, no, let's not.

I'm really... Put It In Me Asshole. All right, everybody. It's Gannon's Golden Games. And this week, we are doing a board game based on a TV that has recently seen a resurge in the populace. Based on a TV? Based on a TV show.

Try again. All right. This week, guttering. No. I've ruined the guttering. Wow, that really bombed. That's like Die Hard 4. Die Hard 4.

It's more like Die Hard 5. Well, it's the fourth time you said it, so. Well, oof, oof. It is a bit like Diard 4. Diard 4 wasn't great. The first guttering was good, Diard. It was good, it was a classic. Guttering number two wasn't the same, it came too soon.

It's very much like Diard. Diard 3, excellent. The arc of how well you've said guttering on this show is very, very mimicking Diard. Diard franchise. Diard 4 just then. Just a bit unexpected. Nobody wanted it.

So the next time you say it, it's going to be awful. They will book convention. Now, Paul. Yeah. Gannon's Golden Games is the bit where you have a little penchant, don't you? You have a trenchant penchant for... Oh, this is good. I'm getting into these words.

Oh, God. A trenchant penchant for board games, Paul. Yes. And'm getting into these words. A trenchant penchant for board games, Paul. Yes. And especially TV show-based ones. Yes. We've got a classic. And a few years ago,

I was in Twickenham looking after a friend's house, was roaming around the nearby charity shops and saw this. It is a board game based on, as I just said, a TV show that has recently

become popular again on BBC One now. It is Gladiators. It's been relaunched, rebooted. Yeah, but it used to be on ITV. They're not repeats, just to be clear. Yes, no, I know. It's now on BBC.

It's a totally new version of the show. I have a board game. Oh, was it on ITV before? Do you want to just let me fucking talk? Can I ask? I can explain. I can explain it all. Was it on ITV originally?

Yes. That's the only question I had. So this is an action board game based on the tv show gladiators of the first generation gladiators these are the 1990 what two three the board game here is from 94 and it contains exciting new events and gameplay so they must have updated it so this isn't the first edition of this board game ah now we've seen that name before the manufacturer paul amand he always does licensed stuff i want to say he's done things like Countdown or those kind of shows. We could look it up, but why bother?

But they are definitely sort of peas in a pod. Yes. British games manufacturers who... Use licenses to make board games. And to be fair, a lot of them are shit. Just roll the dice here, some characters go around the board, go home. This is a bit more involved, and we're going to get to it in a minute. It started in 1992, the UK version of Gladiators,

because it was originally an American TV show. At least two years before the British version came out, they would play it late night, the American Gladiators show. Oh yeah, you used to see it on ITV at 2 in the morning or something. Great for a young, up-and-coming cannabis abuser. Yes, who had nothing else to watch that time of night and liked seeing women in spandex climb. It was cool, you know? So it got a cult, a real cult following. And a lot of the reason it was popular with people staying up late, students and so forth. Because it had muscly and sexy people. No, it's because it was so tacky, garish and stupid.

Yeah. That was the joy of it. It was funny in the way that... Like American wrestling is. Or American football can be at times. It's got a surprising high amount of camp. Football, I mean, that's a sport. This is not sport. I mean, that's a sport. This is not sport.

I mean, it has a sport element. But there's a lot of performance and drama to American football. And there's lots of pageantry. And there's, you know, cheerleaders. And we, listen, I'm not. Halftime fucking shows are going forever. Paul, I won't lie. You know, the scantily clad, muscled bodies were obviously a pull as well, so to speak.

Yeah. But a lot of it was ironically enjoying it. Yeah, because it was American. Because it was stupid and overblown. But then that's why it's funny when they try and make that British. Which they did. And then I saw the recent... On BBC now, the brand new stuff.

I saw the first episode, not the whole thing. No. I went to the first game, which was the podium stick game. Yeah, you like seeing them jab at each other with big shafts. I'm sure in the original British Gladiators, they didn't have the little bios, the little film of the contestants' home life and what they do and why they train so hard.

My name's Julie and I'm doing this because I've been really challenging myself in a line. My mum's been ill for a while and she says go for it. A little story. And granddad's spirit's with me in essence. He's going to help me through the finishing line. Comes last. I do not want to see that.

Why not? Why don't you care about people? I want to see the sport. Fine. I think what they did in the original, they go, here's John and he's from Newcastle. I'm an IT guy. Yeah, but it's not like an actual footage of them in their home and them training and all this crap. But that's been the same for years now,

because most TV shows want you to get involved with their personal life. It's a reality TV thing. Yeah, you just keep talking all over me. Don't you mind that? It's deeply unprofessional, shows that you don't listen, nor do you want to engage. I'm having a conversation with you. It seems like you're just borraging in with your own little...

Borraging in. Borraging in. It's like barging and burrowing. It's burrowing and barging in. Brilliant, brilliant. But look. Don't let me barge in, mate. Barging.

Paul, the point I'm making is that convention of doing the little biofilm for every contestant, the background, the story. Yes, you don't like it. And it comes from reality TV. Yes, of course. And reality TV wasn't a thing when the first Gladiators came out. Not, you don't like it. And it comes from reality TV. Yes, of course. And reality TV wasn't a thing when the first Gladiators came out. Not really.

To the same extent. No, no. Big Brother, for example, hadn't happened. None of that sort of... None of that stuff. But this was, in some respects, the big Saturday night primetime TV show, right? Millions of people watch this Saturday afternoons

just before their tea or after it. Eureka Johnson. Was it Fashenu was the other presenter as well? That's right, I believe so, yeah. And big, burly gladiators who are in the way of these normal contestants as they did physical challenges around some kind of assault course or one-on-one challenge of some

sort. And later it did lead to shows that we still have around today, like the Flores Lava, American Ninja, you know, that Ninja Ninja Warrior is it Ninja Warrior or that kind of thing it kind of fed into later on

so what was it influential what was that Mind the Bonk or something what was it called you know you have to run around the

water assault course it has a family resemblance to these assault course games I like those kind of shows I do It's a Knockout

is a kind of thing like that Takeshi's Castle being the best just because that's the most entertaining demented i love it paul yes also we should mention there were problematic racist names because the gladiators all have these these uh like jet wrestling wrestle lady jet she's my favorite i like brunette women what can i say jet was was hot yeah actually i like women what can I say? Jet was hot, yes. Actually, I like women, what can I say? You know what? I like people, what can I say? Whatever gets me off.

Ooh, jobity borrowing. Jobity borrage. Borraging. Jobity borrage. Now, we should mention that they were problematic, the black athletes who were named. One was, the female was Nightshade, and then the man

was Shadow so in hindsight do you think they had a say in their names though do you think they picked the names themselves or was like

no you are Shadow I can't imagine they would because Wolf remember him Nightshade was like a heptathlete the thing is they had to give them names

right yeah those are racist names that's what I'm saying because at the time why would you say look you're trying to think of the name so maybe you're a names that's what i'm saying if because at the time what would you say look you're trying to think of the name so maybe you're a producer you're sitting there and all these you know these athletes are coming past okay oh white guy comes in your wolf another white guy comes in your scorpion i'm thinking shadow shadow yeah

just the person that came into my head you know i look at you and i paint an image come on no yeah no i agree it's kind of surface-level character building in that you're literally saying you're just the colour of your skin for the sake of this character. It's just not good. So obviously they're not doing that with the names, but none of the names really stuck out to me.

There's a Cosmo or something. Hang on. Oh, we've got these, the new ones, yeah? We had. Oh, there's loads, because there's loads of different series. So there's Laser, Lightning, Nightshade, Panther, Phoenix, Rebel, Rio, Rocket, Scorpio, Siren, Vogue, Zodiac.

Okay, male gladiators, Bullet, Cobra, Hawk, Hunter. They all sound like G.I. Joe characters. Yes. Jesus. It says here, Diane Yodale suffered, I guess it was a contestant, suffered a massive neck injury while partaking in the Pyramid Game during a live show in 95. The incident led to the event being discontinued oh if we're going to look at the wrestling american uh wrestling comparison wolf was very much the heel wasn't he like the baddie yeah and also he played dumb i

think he was like duh the dum-dum although is that right it's the heel the one that's in wrestling is the baddie that's true i don't know if you have the same in the in the female side i don't know if you had the same in the female side I don't know if there was a female heel in there but I just remember Jet I fell in love with Jet, Jet was my favourite Wolf was a baddie, he was unsmiling wasn't Wolf unsmiling? yeah, he was pissed off all the time

so that's why they remember him, it's smart because I don't remember any of the others and he wore a lot of denim and he wore a headband on yeah, he was a bit rock and roll and meany. Yeah, he's a bit rock and roll in the way that when your dad gets a bit too old to understand what rock and roll is. He's a bit status quo. The jeans pulled up sort of rock and roll. He was very status quo.

But yeah, challenges, games, physical activities, turned it into a board game. And that's what we're going to do next. So before we get into the gameplay, let's explain what the board game version of gladiators is uh complicated this is a board game that came with many many many small cardboard pieces so you could build the certain events and climbing frames and whatnots of the game i know i know and they've been a bit bashed in better condition than others but it's when you can't when it's a fat slot you know what i mean? You can't push the frayed wedge through the fat slot. Yes.

You know, it just means... Especially if you've lost all sort of rigidness in the piece that you're trying to insert. Yeah, if it's turgid. No, turgid doesn't mean that. If it's rubbery. Turgid doesn't mean that. No, it doesn't mean that. Turgid means hard.

Does it? Of course. Turgid. I thought turgid meant... You've got a terrible grasp. Okay, Google, what does turgid mean? Swollen and distended. And hard.

If I was swollen and distended, I wouldn't feel hard. I'd feel... What do you think happens to a man's peenie... I don't know. ...when it gets erect? Why don't you tell me? It gets turgid. For the podcast, the dirty podcast, the erotic podcast.

I'm getting turgid right now. You are, yeah. Do you want to hear the sound of me plunging into your very much waxed up bum bum? Ooh. Ooh, smack the wax. I want it in my ass. Turgid time. You're wrong about turgid.

Anyway, the board game is it comes with a big board, and the board itself is the arena for the gladiators. They always did it in the arena. There was no outside stuff. No, no, no. It was all that one great big huge Wembley Stadium-style kind of arena thing. Yeah, and they've got that in the new one, but then you've got those bits, like I say, where they've got outside stuff.

Well, no, you're thinking of, like, Cryptom Factor now, I think. Which is another board game I'm looking at. I'm not thinking of Cryptom Factor. I saw the new version has shot, like I say, has the little biographical bits about the contestants. Yeah, but that's not the same. I don't like the gameplay itself. I don't give a fuck about the actual little side character story time stuff. They're contestants.

They're not side characters. I don't care. Stop saying you don't care. I do not care. Stop making me try to care about something that you care about, which isn't relevant to what we're talking about right now, which is cardboard flat slots. Is it?

Yeah. All right. I'm at all ears. There's a little plastic stand as well, which you put at the side of the board game, but that's just a presentation stand. It's where you can put your little figures and your other little cardboard accoutrements for the game.

So it comes with a rule book. There are seven games, including the Eliminator. And each game... Including? You mean before the Eliminator? There's eight games including? You told me there's seven games and then you get to the Eliminator. Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. That's what you told me. I don't know, mate. I don't know. Now, you really haven't got a grip on those rules. Mate, I've been studying this for half an hour. You read bits out to me.

I don't know what the fuck's going on. Let me explain. So the idea is, the plastic standard is there just to put all your little bits and bobs on for the games that you're about to play so there's no gameplay will be happening on the plastic oh that's quite disappointing isn't it but a nice affectation to give you a little bit of world building to make it feel like you're in the gladiator zone they're all on a big red cliff that looks like it's made of rocks there was none of that in the game it was the wall was a great big wall there's the wall there yeah but we're going

to show that in a minute because we've got because here's the games available right you can count with me right so atlas fear they have an atlas fear game with the glass you know not the glass the the cage balls thing you know you roll them around and bash each other you're in a big rolly ball yeah yeah i like that that's a great oh that's what those are i thought they were like pan am yeah logos but the game plays out like kind of like drafts in many respects, because it's about moving your pieces around the board and bumping into them and moving them away from score points, right? So quite a complicated lot of dice work.

Do we have to roll those around? No, you just move them around. There's no actual dexterity in this. No. I would like something a bit like Mousetrap, with that kind of little scruple scramble or something. That's what it could have been, couldn't it? Like the Crystal Maze board game. Exactly, thank you very much. it could have been couldn't it like the crystal maze board game

exactly thank you very much next game we did the crystal maze board game before didn't we with a comedian Ken Reed when he came over from Boston that's right yeah

next game is the wall which is what we're going to be playing which is a chase up the wall if the gladiator gets there first show the wall to them yeah show we'll show them in a bit anyway but there's the wall

that's what they'll be climbing up it's just a piece of cardboard shaped like the bloody wall next one is danger Zone. This is a bit like, you won't understand the reference, but it's like XCOM as a board game where you move your pieces around as kind of hiding points to try and reach the end goal where

the gladiator is and turn off their gun. But how do I get to the Danger Zone? Roll the dice and turn cards over which dictate your moves. No, but is there some kind of road or like a highway to the Danger Zone? There is a highway to the Danger Zone. Why is it when take your moves. No, but is there some kind of road or like a highway? There is a highway to the danger zone. Hey! Why is it when you're

imparting information you're as far away as the microphone as you can be? Highway to the danger zone. I know, but it was so loud. It was funny. That's what it was. It's so loud that it actually

peaked the audio and therefore you've made the experience horrible for people now. I want you to do sexy voice, Eli. It's better for everyone's ears. Tell me how you get a lady wet. You put a bucket over her doorframe.

Bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong. I use a pipette, actually. Pipette to get her wet. Yes. My pipette will get you wet. Don't forget. Famously, there's this sort of audio meme, as it were,

that comes from the gladiators. What is it, Paul? Gladiators are ready. Because he was a very Scottish gentleman. Yes. Only one of them. They had these referees who were very much like American football referees. Yes. With stripy shirts.

Yes. Because again, he was leaning on the American affectations of the original show. Gladiators! Stop talking over me! We've done this before! Let me finish your sentence before you say something bollocks! What were you saying? You've forgotten now. I'm doing the games. Next game is Suspension Bridge,

where you just got to go across a bridge. Okay, that's two games. So they've got the roller balls. No, we've got Danger Zone, The Wall, Atmosphere, Suspension Bridge. That's four. Yeah. Next is Hang Tough,

which is again like the Suspension one. It's moving things around the grid. Not very interesting. Then we have Sky Track, which is that thing that looks hard, but you've got to pedal with your arms. Oh, I would be falling off that. And you've got to go in at eight figure of eight.

Oh, yes, I remember. And that's a game. And you get chased. Is that right? One of the gladiators chased you around. Yeah. So that bit of the board is here. Oh, I see.

And you're meant to just go around. I don't know. And that's Sky Track. That's six. And then Eliminator. So that's seven. Okay, you're right. Seven, including the Eliminator.

Thank you. But we will not be playing all of those games. No, because they're protracted, long-winded, and I would lose interest because they're a bit too visual. So for the purposes of this Ganon's Golden Games edition, Paul... Yes, we'll be playing two games. One, The Wall. Simple pimple pie game.

And then the Eliminator. And then we're going to set up the Eliminator just because it's a lovely bit of visual flourish. And we'll try and win. So now you can say Gladiators ready, and then I'll drop in the theme tune, all right? We'll do it that way. I was going to do... So eliminate just because it's a lovely bit of visual flourish. And we'll try and win. So now you can say gladiators ready and then I'll drop in the theme tune. All right, we'll do it that way. I was going to do.

So let's play gladiators. What are we going to have for breakfast? Shredders! I don't understand what happened then. Is that a gag about ready sounding like the word shreddies? Yes. Right.

Okay, well, let's start there, shall we? Let's start with that and see where we go, shall we? What are we going to have for breakfast? Shredders! No. Right, okay. Well, then let's start there, shall we? Let's start with that and see where we go, shall we? What are we going to have for breakfast? Shreddies! No, it's like, what does the referee say every morning? Gladiators! Shreddies!

Happy? Thank you. We've workshopped it. Thank you, mate. We've got it ready. Thank you. Gladiators! Shreddies!

What does he say? Contestant! Shreddies! On my first whistle. That's what he says. Gladiator will fucking take a line of coke backstage. Woof. And then I went northern.

Right. He's like, ladies and gentlemen. Gladiators ready. It's now time to of the gladiators? Can you face the challenge of the champions? Do you have the courage of a hero? Do you have the will and the skill? Do you have the speed, the strength? Do you have the speed to spend the heart to be your winner?

It's not for beginners, deep down in your soul. The Gladiators! Right, here is the board and here is the wall, Mr. Silverman. Now, before we start anything, do you want to be contestant in this round or do you want to be gladiator? Well, we're both going to play both roles. Yeah, we are. So which one do you want to be? It doesn't matter. I'll be contestant first, please. I'm going to be the ones with helmets on their heads. They're the contestants. I'm going to be this dude because it's green.

There's no names on these little figures. Give them your name then, unless you want to be Eli. Hi, my it's green. There's no names on these little figures. No, give them your name then, unless you want to be Eli. Hi, my name's Eli. Hi, my name's Eli. I can't do your voice no more. It's weird. Good. Is this a gladiator?

No. Has he got a hat on? No. Then keep him to one side so he can be your contestant, unless you don't want that colour. Do you want red? He's got a little... Yeah, that's a gladiator.

Right, so do you want that gladiator then? No. Then pick one from the stand. Here's one with a helmet. Yellow. There's only one. Yeah, but the women... Right, I've got want that Gladiator then? And then pick one from the stand. Here's one with a helmet. Yellow. There's only one. Yeah, but the women... Right, I've got a competitor, Paul.

I'm going to pick this one. I'm going to pick her. And I'm going to call her Dazzle. Right. And then here's my contestant. Oh, hello. My name's Paul Gannon. And I'm a radio producer and podcaster.

No, you wouldn't be now, would you? And I love my mum and me daddy. You wouldn't be. And I work out at the gym and I wanted to be on Gladiator all my life. Here's me at home with me mum making a cake. Oh, and here's me with me family having a birthday or something. Oh, hello, I'm John Smith and I've got a cake.

Is that all you've got then? You're just going to say the word cake and then that's your backstory. I have cake. Right. What's your gladiator? Pick a gladiator. It's called Jam. Jam? Yeah. Oh, that's better than my dazzle. Yes. I'm going to pick another name for her then. I'm going to go, let's have a look.

I'm going to Kaiser Soze this. Medallion. Oh, that's all right, actually. I'm going to go with Medallion. That works for me. Hi. Jam. My name's Medallion. Medallion and Jam. No. Oh, it's a Jam Medallion. Oh, I don all right, actually. I'm going to go with medallion. That works for me. Hi. Jam. My name's medallion. Medallion and jam. No. Oh, it's a jam medallion.

Oh, don't want to know. I gave her a fucking big jam medallion last night. She couldn't walk for a week. I tell you. I thank you. My wife. That's not working for me, Paul. She got a big jam medallion, that woman.

Stop. And now at number six on the charts, jam medallion. Oh, come on. Jam Medallion right up you. Medallion. Jam Medallion up you. As in medallion. I've got a great big medallion. Yeah. I like medallion-ing things.

Jam Medallion. Was it just nonsense words? Here's how we play the game. Oh my God. Right. This is a terrible board game Here's how we play the game. Oh, my God. Right. This is a terrible board game. Can I just preempt everything and say this right now? Yes.

This is boring. This game is a game of war with cards. There are other cards to play involving agility and stuff, but we're not getting into that because then it gets complicated. So I'm shuffling this pack. Could I deal? You shuffle, I deal. All right, but all you've got to do is give...

Get six each, yeah? No. Who's going first? Do you want to be the contestant or the gladiator? So if you're going contestant, you go first, and you're already on the wall in the first slot. Yeah. Okay, I need to put my contestant onto the slot.

All right. And then I'm off. John Smith. And I'm off the slot. I put him on the bottom slot, yeah? Yeah. Either side? Yeah, on either side.

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Yeah. Because you're going to go up that one route. That's good for the camera to see. Yeah.

You don't go side to side. You're just going up one by one like a ladder. I understand. Where do you start? In the opposite track.

So I've got to get to the top before you. Oh, you're in the bottom slot. Yeah. So I'm off the board right now because I'm one behind.

That's the idea. But when you get one, you go to the first slot. Yeah. Whereas you start on the first slot and you I'm one behind. That's the idea. But when you get one, you go to the first slot. Yeah. Whereas you start on the first slot and you've got six slots to reach the top of the wall. Meaning I have seven effectively.

Right. Next. So you get six cards and I get the rest of the deck. Oh, I see. Right. Okay. And what happens is

you draw randomly top of the pile from your deck and I do from my deck and whoever gets the highest card number moves up the wall a slot. Yes. Right?

But you've got the whole rest of the deck. I've got, yeah, just because I'm shuffling it now. No, you've got the whole rest. You don't get six cards. Are you sure it's not six each? No, it says, seriously. Okay. I'll read it to you now verbatim.

The competitor has dealt six cards which are kept face down. The Chasing Gladiator plays from the top of the pack. I see. So you don't pick a card. No. You just have to, you have to go off the top of the deck. Yes. Thank you. Both the competitor and Chasing Gl You just have to go off the top of the deck. Yes. Thank you. Both the competitor and chasing gladiator turn over

their top cards at the same time. The play with the highest value card moves one space up the wall. If two cards of the same number are brought together, no one moves. That's very much like war, because in war, the pile, if it's drawn, then the pile just grows. What I don't understand

is what happens when I run out of my six cards or you run out of your six cards. Do you just deal another six cards out? Oh, yeah. It doesn't say here what happens if you... Well, you would have caught me. No, because you've run out of six. I mean, that would mean you'd have to win every round to get to the top.

And that's not possible, right? Just by odds. Isn't that weird? Yeah. So maybe if you get to the bottom of your six, you just deal six out to yourself and we'll start from scratch. Do it that way. Oh, are you ready to play, Paul?

I am ready to play. So you're going to deal yourself six cards and I take the pack. That's right. Gladiator is ready. Right, he's dishing it out. One, two, three, four, five. Excellent.

And I've got the pack. So what have we got on here? No, you don't look at them. Put them face down. You don't look. All that's on the cards are numbers. So again, it's like, you're meant to shuffle it and have it as a stack.

You don't spread them out. Why not? Because it's meant to be like you're turning cards over, like playing war. You're not meant to know what your card numbers are. You shuffle it, you deal it, and then it's random. I'll go off the top of my little mini pack.

Is that what you're saying, really? Just like war. So you're restricted by what you've got dealt. Right, ready? So here we go. Contestant, ready? Gladiator. No, you say yes, because you're the contestant. Oh, yeah. And then you can dealt. Right, ready? So, here we go. Contestant, ready? Gladiator. No, you say yes

because you're the contestant. Oh, yeah. And then you can say to me, Gladiator, ready? Let's do it again. Contestant, ready? Yes. Gladiator.

Oh, you do that bit. Gladiator, ready? Oh, I am? On my first whistle, blah, blah, blah, go. Right, three, two, one. Two, one. one oh I'm on the wall you're on the wall I'm on the wall I'm up one space right I'll put this to one side and then you're that's out the game right ready next three two one oh I'm up the wall

again I got two and you've got one. I'm already a boss. You've won. That's what happens. Is it? Yeah. I thought it was like... Hang on. That is what happens, mate. If the chasing gladiator overtakes the competitor,

the gladiator wins. The competitor is then eliminated from the game. Thank you very much. Oh, it's my turn now, because now you're the gladiator. Give me that deck, and I'll shuffle again. This is our mini game.

I only had to break... Wait. Yeah, you only broke a sweat there. You got to the first thing. That's what happens. Oh dear. Anyway, do a post-show interview. Oh, how do you think it went? What happened? What went wrong?

I had a sweaty foot. Oh, Amorica Johnson, would you like to see my obvious gag? Right, let's just move on. Obvious Vag. My name is Obvious Vag. No, no, no. I am Obvious Vag.

I am best friends with Eli's arsehole. That's right, we're best of friends. Shut up. Would you like... This is why I interrupt you. All right, fair enough. But sometimes you do it when I'm actually saying important stuff. Okay.

All right, shuffle the pack and let's crack on. I'm going to deal you six cards off the top, Paul, and I will keep the remainder. Right. Ready? Oh, gladiator's bullshit. I've got to swap the thing out. I've got to put my...

That's my gladiator over here. Reset the wall. Reset the wall. Reset the wall. Right, I'm going to put my guy here. And here is Jam. The Jam man, as I like to say. And there's...

He's the man when you're in a jam, and his name is Jam. The Jam Man, as I like to say. And there's... He's the man when you're in a jam and his name is Jam. Yeah, Dazzler did very well. No, Medallion did very well in that last round. Well done, Medallion. Yeah, but Medallion

is back at home making a cup of tea. Oh, poor Medallion. Right. Okay. Ready? Are you ready? I'm ready.

So you're off the board and one step on the wall. Three, two... Oh, no. You say to me now, contestant ready. Contestant ready! Ach, I am Johnny boy. Gladiator ready. Yes. Let's go. Three, two, one. Keeps winning. The wall for ball, I go up one.

My gladiator isn't even on the wall, you know. You've got to catch up you're two behind now ready three two one oh Eli's on the board

he dials a seven I get a one he's now one step behind three two one oh Eli's on the same pegging as me now

we're equal footing on the wall with that win three two there in the cards being dealt I just need to win one more. You've just got to sneak ahead, Mr Silverman. Sneak ahead. He's coming up behind me.

Get off me feet. Right, here we go. 3, 2, 1. Yes. 4. Oh, Eli wins that one. Another win for the Gladiators. Get this stupid dazzle.

Oh, no, it's not dazzle. Medallion. Medallion. That's not a really good name, is it, for a person? That's not medallion. No, that wasn't. That's a contestant. What's your, it's not Dazzle. Medallion. Medallion. That's not a really good name, is it, for a person? That's not Medallion. It's fine. Her name is... No, that wasn't.

That's Medallion. That wasn't. What's your contestant called? Paul Gannon. Oh, yeah. And me. But, like, hot and muscular. Oh.

And apparently wearing, in that drawing, looks like a big pair of Y-fronts. It looks like a huge... It looks like a huge pair of... There's a huge dick lump in those Y-fronts. I mean, that i can get with we both share that attribute it's huge like a brick down his lump anyway it's like he's got a brick in his pants bring on the wall this is filth kids shouldn't be in a position to play

this game in the position to be yes like enforced against their will. The police at the window. Whoa, whoa. Kids, stop playing Gladiators, the board game. You're underage. We'll fucking smash it down. No, Daddy, no. Right, no one won there. This is when you interrupt me, mate.

This is the moment you interrupt me. No one won. No, you won. I won the first. You won the second. Right, and what does that do? That means we both get an extra card for the Eliminator. Which is coming up right now.

Right now, after this commercial break. Far and away the best coach holidays with Wallace Arnold, the leading operator. The new brochures are at your travel agent or any Wallace Arnold office. Jam, cola, beetroot. And if these red stripes come out pink, I'll be in trouble. But thanks to the miracle of technology, whisk has improved. It's even tougher on stains like these, still just as gentle on colors. See? Color's still bright and not a stain in sight.

Another triumph for technology. New whisk. Tougher on stains. Gentle on colors. Good night. Good night. You're supposed to be in New York. I didn't like the coffee.

Golden roasted. Richer. Smoother. Nescafe Gold Blend. I thought you might have joined me in New York. Whatever gave you that idea yes i'm out the flat once it was freezing and it's just lovely being here because you never have to worry about being cold it's just like that all the time and especially when you come in and

you've been dancing all night and there's still plenty of hot water the house is still lovely and warm which is like unbelievable really and you get into bed and it's lovely and warm and you've been dancing all night. And there's still plenty of hot water. The house is still lovely and warm, which is, like, unbelievable, really. And you get into bed and it's lovely and warm and you wake up in the morning and it's still nice and warm. I mean, you just don't want to go to work in the morning. For all your creature comforts, heat electric. Oh, I'm Ulrika Johnson and it's the final Eliminator. Our two contestants, Paul and Eli, are at the Eliminator. I'm Eureka Johnson.

I used to do weather on TV AM, and now I'm doing this. And at some point, I'll be known for shooting stars. That's what happened, I think. I'm Eureka Johnson, and now we're going to play the game. So, okay, so this game, Mr. Silverman, which is the Eliminator. This is almost exactly the same as the wall in terms of how we play, except this time we get dealt six cards each,

and we choose the card we wish to play top-tump style to win that round. And we replenish our mini pack from the top of the... Yes, so we'll always have six in our hand. Shall I deal them to you? Yes. Before you do that, though, let me just explain. There are eight obstacles on this Eliminator. There is the small cargo net.

That is position one. Position two, the scramble net. That's that fly that's going up. Number three, the overhand bike walk thing, which is that red grid. Oh, this is the climb up here, down there. You have to imagine you're going underneath that, not on top of it. After that, you have the rolling beam,

which is this bit here. That is number four. Number five is the large cargo net. Yeah, big boy cargo net. Which is up this cargo net. The next one is the travelator.

You've got to run up the travelator. I remember the travelator. Number eight is the platform travelator. It's just the top of the travelator, really. Yeah, and then finally

is the paper burst. At the end, you. It's just the top of the travelator, really. Yeah. And then finally is the paper burst. At the end, you burst through. And the first person to burst through the paper chase ending is the winner. Indeed they are. So effectively, it's the first person to win eight rounds. I'm going to make a little inference. Yes. About the popularity of this game with the children who have bought it as a present back in the 90s.

90s. I would say it's one of the most unpopular board games of all time. Hey, mate, I don't know about that because I've got the Robot Wars game and it makes this fucking look like Snakes and Ladders. It is super complicated, that fucking board game, and it's huge

as well. It's not that this is complicated, this is just boring. I know I've only seen a truncated version of it, but come on. Yeah, because there's more strategy in like the in the atlas fear games and stuff but effectively it is kind of like a top trump's card game war type thing with certain strategic elements but not much and also there's that that it's not very strategic all of these props aren't they've got they're not toyetic at all they're no dexterity there No. They're just representations, aren't they? Crystal Maze nailed it.

It would have been more fun to that. You don't need these to play the game. These are more like dollhouse things. They don't have any play feature. They're more like furniture in a doll's house, but made of cardboard. Plastic would have been much better. Yes, but still, there's no play to them.

They're just there symbolically, is what I'm saying. My gladiator is in its position, and yours is in your position. John Smith. No, not gladiators. We're the contenders now. Contestants, yeah. Because in the elimination, there are no gladiators. There are no gladiators at that point.

It's only contender. They're having a fag around the back. It's mano a mano. Mano a mano. There was a show called that, wasn't there? Yes, hole. Manhole to manhole. Mano a Mano. There was a show called that, wasn't there? Yes, hole. Manhole to manhole. What's that called?

Kissy, kissy bum bum. Kissy, kissy bum bum. One, two, three. One for the prince and one for me. Kissy, kissy bum bum. One, two, three. Get home quick. It's time for tea.

Anyone could do a kissy bum bum with another person, couldn't they? A kissy, kissy bum bum. One, two, three. One for the prince. One for me. Come home. It's nearly time for tea. It A kissy kissy bum bum, one, two, three. One for the prince, one for me. Come home, it's nearly time for tea. It's kiss kiss bum bum time. I wouldn't eat tea with that mouth

once it kissed a bum bum. Who left a brown lipstick mark on my best china? That's chocolate. Deal me six cards. One, two. And I'm dealing myself a card as well. In between every card I deal to him. We're dishing out cards for the final thing.

Again, similar rules to before, but in this instance. The remainder of the pack in the middle there. Oh, that's where it lives, yes. Presenter stand. So they are the cards we can draw from to keep our stack. We can look at all of these. And stamina cards are the trump cards. Well, here's the other rule.

So if you put five down and I put five down, if your card said stamina on it, you would win as a result of that. Proving you have more stamina than me in that moment. Oh, I see. But effectively, yes,

it's the same rules as the wall, except this time we get to choose the card we aim to put down. Paul, let's get... Maybe you don't want to play your big numbers first, you know. You don't want to play your nine straight away.

You might want to bank that towards the end. I see where you're getting the strategy. There's a little bit of strategy here. Paul, please, let's get this shit over and done with. Gladiators. Ready. Jaded. Jaded.

The Gladiators aren't on this bit. Format. Tired. Makes me feel bad watching these athletic people jumble around in the arena and have a fat old blobber.

Fucked off. In my ears. I don't know why that makes me laugh. I don't know. Right. So, begin.

The Eliminator begins. Right. I'm just checking my cards now. It doesn't matter because we draw at the same time,

don't we? Did we? Yeah. It's't matter because we draw at the same time, don't we? Do we? Yeah, it's like war again. Yeah. So, I'm going to... One, two... Don't read your numbers out to me, numbnuts. I'm saying counting down to reveal.

I'm not reading numbnuts. Oh, okay. I thought you were reading your cards out. I wouldn't do that, Paul. Numbnuts. Numbnuts. This chair's giving me Num Nuts. That's fucking true, actually.

Why does Num Nuts mean fucking stupid? It just means your nuts can't feel. Yeah, but sometimes I get... What's that got to do with... Do you ever get pins and needles in your nuts sometimes? No, I never do, Paul. I think you should go to the doctor. I think I should go right now.

See you, everyone. Right, okay. I'm going to pick a card. I'm going to pick... Okay, I'm going to do this one. I'm going to put my other cards down so I can't cheat. And I have my card that I'm going to... I'm going to pick a card. I'm going to pick... Okay, I'm going to do this one. I'm going to put my other cards down so I can't cheat. And I have my card that I'm going to... I'm just going to reveal this.

You're a big dick. I'm going to throw mine down on the card so the camera can see it. I saw that. Right, well then... I'm going to choose a different card now. Fuck! So don't be such a dick about this. Fine.

It's not as fast as the show in real life, is it, where they're running for it? One, two, three. You... One. One. So I go first for it? One, two, three. You. One. One. That's the one I was waiting for. So I go first. Yes, you one with a three.

I'm over the cargo netting. The small cargo netting. I'm over the cargo netting. Okay. Right, so I'm ahead. Yeah, what's exciting this? This is me getting over the net. That noise. Every week net. That noise.

Every week you make that noise with your mouth. Every week I hear your fucking voice. Yeah, but this is my speaking voice. Your Chadney Sparrow nastiness. I don't like it. Chadney Sparrow nastiness. You're such a cunt. Right, next card.

Next card. Okay. Okay. Ready? I've got my card. Three, two, one. Right, you win that. You're over the net.

I played a six and he played a one there. Yeah, six and one. Six and one, six and one, six and six and one. So we're both over the net. Three, two, one. So I'm going to do that. I play the two. He played a one.

I'm going on the thingamajig. How's it going to stand on there? You can't. Just put him by the side of it. No, he played a one. I'm going on the thingamajig. How's it going to stand on there? You can't. Just put him by the side of it. No, because that... No, no, because it makes sense. Because I clear it, don't I? So that means I can actually put him on top

because he's cleared the netting. You see what I mean? It's like you're going past the space you claim. I understand you. Do you understand? I got you there, yeah. Right, I'm ready. Ready?

Have I replaced my card? One, two, three, four, five. No, I've got a six one here. Right, okay. Okay, Eli. Are you ready. Ready. Have I replaced my card? One, two, three, four, five. No, I've got a sixth one here. Right. Okay. Okay, Eli. Are you ready? Yeah.

Three, two, one, draw. Oh, Eli, get onto the netting as well. There I am on the netting. On the netting. Now, please pass me one off there because it's a pain in the arse leaning over. Right. Okay. Ready?

So we're both on the overhead bike thing now. Right, ready? Three, two, one. I knew you'd... Six. Six for me. I'm off. I'm off that.

I'm on the platform now. All right, this is so dull. It's killing me. It is killing me. All right, come on. We're nearly there. This is shit, man. Is it shit because you're losing?

No, it's just one of the worst Ganon's Golden Games of all time. Is it? It's boring. You're boring.on's Golden Games of all time. Is it? It's boring. You're boring. It's fucking boring. Come on, come on. Three, two, one.

Oh, we both get agility and we both have five, so no one moves. Okay, now you can say three, two, one or something. Three, two, one. Eight. Three.

Ganon's onto the rolling bars. Do you want to say you've won? Because this is literally just us doing this with these cards another three or four times. I'm sorry, mate, but it's really bad. It's really boring. All right, let's make a little play out of it. I'm going to go over here.

I'm coming up. Teleported. I'm going to piss on you. In my mouth, I like it. I'll let you win for that one. Oh, no. Oh, no. It's raining.

It's on the board. Oh, no. Don't fucking rub your nuts on it, though. That's going too far. Why? It's too far. Fuck you. So, gentleman's honour, you'll let me win.

Am I? Absolutely. Absolutely, Paul. There's me bursting through the paper. You burst through the paper. Fuck you. So, gentleman's honour, you'll let me win. Am I? Absolutely. There's me bursting through the paper. You burst through the paper. Travel later. I really, I just lost the tedium of that game at the end. I'm just glad you said it, because I wanted to say it. Yeah.

Wow. I mean, maybe if it's a quiet night in, and it's a stormy night, and you want to play No, not maybe. This is boring, and I bet it wasn't a great seller, because I bet it didn't get good industry reviews or anything. It needs a more toyetic angle to this to make it is boring and I bet it wasn't a great seller because I bet it didn't get good industry reviews or anything. It needs a more toyetic angle to this

to make it work. Wow, does it? Because it's such a physical game, the thing it's based on. Instead of jousting, you know, they have the jousting thing.

You could have a rock and sock and robot type thing. Something like that. Or a mousetrap type thing for the Eliminator. This is so cheap. Or like a screwball

scrambly kind of thing for the Eliminator. That's exactly what I said earlier. But you know aww but you know what I can see why they did this let's cash in

and at least make some effort so it's not just like snakes and ladders with drawn gladiators art yeah but I think we can all agree

ladies and gentlemen that board game utter guttering yeah and just like die hard 5 And just like Die Hard 5. And that's Cheap Show for another week. For all Cheap Show goodness,

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will get a special treat do you know what that is? what is it? put my fingers in their ass oh it's not the same when it comes out of you is it?

not really when you do it it seems really threatening and dirty. Yeah, when I do it. You sound threatening too. No, when I do it, it's a little bit of, hmm, hello, I might try that. No, what? I might figure that out.

You live in a world of delusion, my friend. I live in a world of delusion. Oh, this is the world we live in. And I've got a great big grub in. Oh, yeah. You're going to need to get out. He's here. Early. I thought we were going to do this after the episode. I'll let him in.

We weren't going to do it after the episode, Paul. In the joke being that he's early. I'll send him in. Send him in. Sorry, man. Sorry, we may as well do this while we're here now. Hello, yeah. No, just go straight through. I'm just going to get... Let's see if he's still trying to figure out

who his character's going to be right now because I don't think he has a voice yet. Let's go. Oh, hello. What was that? Nothing. I was just talking to the audience, me and them. All right, I'll send him in then, yeah?

Yeah, send him in. Okay, new character. You know, you've already shat the bed on this. Go on, new character. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bring in this new character for Chief Show. All right. No, it's fine.

Do come in now. Okay? I'm just going to go get a drink or something. Is this your new character? No, Paul is All right. No, it's fine. Do come in now. Okay. I'm just going to go get a drink for Sunday. Is this your new character? No, Paul is in there. No, Paul is in there. Is this your new character, Friendly Eli? Please go.

Fuck you. Okay, Paul is coming in now. All right, come on then. Fuck's sake. Last time I saw someone take this long to come, it was me. Guests, come in. Hello. Hello, come on, sit down.

There's a seat just there. Hello, I'm Paul from Cheap Show. I believe you're interested in becoming a character in the podcast. Yes, that's right. Hello. Hello, and what's your name and what's your USP? What? Sorry?

What's your name and what's your USP? No one said I needed a USB. No, a USP. I have a computer at home. Eli, do you want to try again? What are you talking about? I'm the new character. Do you want to know my name?

Do you want to step outside the podcast with me a minute, Mr. Silverman? Eli, step outside the podcast for a minute. I'm just going to bring down the bell, the glass bell, alright? Do you want another name? Eli, I don't know. We're out of the podcast now, so you don't need to be anywhere. Paul, alright? Do you want another name? Shonk! Eli. I don't... No, no, no, no. We're out the podcast now so you don't need to be anywhere.

Paul, what? Paul? Paul? What? Come and sit down. We're outside the podcast. None of this matters. None of this matters.

I don't... Listen, you didn't give my character a chance. I'll come in again. You didn't even ask my character's name. You're a terrible... I did. I said, what's your name? And what's your USP? And then you did a gag about being a USB seductor. So don't fucking come at me, mate. That was fucking gold.

Come on. Sit down. I'll come in again. No, because the neighbours will wonder why I'm shouting at a man banging on my door. Hello, I'm here for the interview for characters. Hello, what's your name? I'm Ernest... Oh. Shut up. My name...

Yeah? It's Ernest Scungness. Ernest Scungness. How do you spell that, please? Well, actually, it's funny you should ask that. No, it's not. Nothing is funny about this. Go on.

It is funny you should ask that, actually, Mr. Gannon. Is it Mr. Gannon? Yes, it is. that, actually, Mr. Gannon. Is it Mr. Gannon? Yes, it is. You can call me Mr. Gannon until we get familiar. I wanted to be interviewed by you because you're my favourite character. Thank you. I'm not a character. I'm me.

We're favourite presenter. Thank you. So my name, it's quite funny. Yeah. It's actually spelt like a vase. Earn. U-R-N. Oh.

U-R-N-I-S-T. Ernest. Yeah. No, no, you spell Ernest. Scungeness. Scungeness is what I want spelled. S-C-U-N-G-E-N-E-S-S. Scungeness.

Fine, I thought there was going to be a Z in there. I mean, it's my name. I was born with it. You know what they used to call me? They used to call me Terry three times. Three times. Three times. Okay, now we're getting somewhere.

Terry three times might be the accidental discovery here. No, that's what they used to call me, but no, not anymore. Because I was used to be a performer. What did you do? Three times, things three times. Yeah, that was my little gimmick. So like if I said eat an egg, you'd have to eat an egg three times. I'd eat eggs, berries, other round.

I liked round things because it's easy to get three in usually. What about if it was like I said Do three rounds of golf That's like You know Three times 18 holes Well no That'd be 18

Because that's I don't like that So you wouldn't You would do three rounds of golf then Only three times Of the same hole I'm not doing that anymore Or would it be three separate holes

Because we're not talking about Like holes anymore Are we Eli Mr Scudgeness Or whatever your name is Ernest Scudgeness Ernest I don't know why you keep calling me the wrong name.

I'll call you Wernie Ernie. I'll tell you what, I like Terrence three times. Do you have a... Terry three times. I'm not... Three times Terry. That's not who I am anymore. I like three times...

No, I like three times Terry. If you want to be a character on the show, I want you to be three times Terry. I can do that, yes. But we need to discuss the contract and everything. The thing is, you get told by me and Eli what to do. Do you want to know anything else about it? No, no, no. I'm qualified.

Three times Terry is great. I can operate with any number you like, but we can discuss that later. I thought you had some questions about, you know. No, I don't. I've got some questions I'd like to ask you as a prospective employer. Now's the time. Prospective imaginary employer. Now's the time.

Will there be breakfast cereals in the studio? Yes, there will be. We have Shreddies. We have Weetabix. And we'll also have some Corn Flakes, Rice Krispies, Frazzles. The ones with the monsters are my favourite. We don't do monsters in this house. No, the one with the big yellow honey monster.

Oh, we do Honey Puffs, yeah. Honey Puffs, that's the one. I like those. I count them out. You've got my number. Yeah. So I'm sorry, I've got to get the bus. All right, bye then.

It's a 333. It's a 333. I love three times Terry. No, that's not who I am, though. It is. But I can be for you. I'll do it for the show. We want you to be three times Terry.

I've got my books out there. Eli, we've got three times Terry here now. He does things three times. Sorry, what? I make a cup of tea. What's that, a cup of three? My name's Ernest. You know what? I'm going a cup of tea. What's that, a cup of three? My name's Ernest. You know what?

I'm going to check out this now. I'm going to don and just press stop. Ladies and gentlemen, that was Cheap Show this week. That was three times Terry. I'm still here. I don't think he's as good as Cardinal Sin. I'm still here, everybody. Please vote below what you think is better.

Three times Terry. So I let myself out? I let myself out. Or the concept of a painful death. Please let yourself out. And tell Eli, tell Eli, I want his asshole in it. I've gone.

It's gone. It's gone. The magic's gone. We've worn out. It's gone. The magic went years ago, didn't it, Paul? It did, didn't it? And welcome back to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast. I'm Paul Gannon.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. And my friend... Shut your mouth. Shut your mouth. And my good friend and co-host, Mr... Mr... Eli... Silverman! Mr. Silverman!'s the Silverman

Oh hello Finished our book then have we Yep Finished our book have we I've finished my fucking book I can't wait to hand it over To the publishers Who will hack it in half

Too long is it Not a problem I've never had that problem before Not a problem you've had Not a problem you've ever had before You tiny dicked cunt My god I don't actually have that problem. Starting again, that was horrendous.

Why? Two reasons. Why? One. It's meant to be a cold open, and you're doing the intro in the cold open, so we've got nothing to say right after the sound. I'll say it again.

I'll say what I want again. I will say what I want again. And two. I'll do what I want in my podcast. Ho, ho. Say that noise. I'll tell what I want on my podcast. Ho ho! Say that noise! I'll tell you what's been annoying me. I was watching a little documentary

on Rainbow, the kids show the other day. And you know what Geoffrey says a lot? When he's a bit confused and a bit disappointed. Does he say, well I never? No. He goes, oh dear. And I go oh dear a lot. That's good. And now I kind of feel I'm the Geoffrey of this podcast. You certainly are the Geoffrey of this podcast.

And you're the naughty zippy. I am undoubtedly the zippy. I want to be the bungle. I'll give you the bungle. Mr. Silverman. Mr. Silverman. The bungle is a more mysterious dynamic. Sex act, isn't it?

It's not a sex act. You've never had a bungle is a more mysterious dynamic. Sex act, isn't it? It's not a sex act. You've never had a bungle before? I've had a bunk up, if that's what you mean. No, a bungle. What's a bungle then? If you don't know, I can't tell you, but it involves this. A pitter-patter on the knob end and bollocks, is it? You seem to be pattering some kind of thing from underneath.

That's a bungle. I'm giving you a visual bungle. I'm giving you a visual bungle. You're giving me a visual bungle. Bungle visual. This is bungle vision. I am not happy with how this cold open is going. We have to start again, mate. Do we, though?

Just stick this at the end. Oh, I was sticking this at the end. If you stay, if you listen, well done. Congratulations. I am enjoying myself.