CheapShow - Ep 373: The Towel Mines

Episode Date: March 1, 2024

It’s time to get our much on! After a bit of break, Paul and Eli are venturing back to the Snack Palace to welcome a new bunch of snack candidates to see if they are worthy of entry to the hallowed building. There are three products arriving on the Segment Bus (don’t ask!) and they’ll prove to be interesting characters in their own horrible right! However, there is something dark lurking under the glamourous façade of the Palace. What happens to all the lost snacks who don’t even make it into the pool house? What are the Towel Mines? The answer may appal you. Or confuse you. There is also time for a quick “Off Brand / Brand Off” with the popular Quavers taking on a cheaper supermarket brand facsimile! Will Eli the Supertaster figure out the flavour code and choose wisely? Why not listen and find out? See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-373-the-towel-mines And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter/X @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid www.thecheapshow.co.uk Now on Threads: @cheapshowpod Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

I'm watching you. I'm watching your eyes when you're having a thought about how to do the cold open. I haven't got a thought this week. No, but no. There's nothing behind the eyes. There's nothing there. No. But, Paul, going forward, yeah?

Take that first thought you have. Yeah. And take that, put it away. Dash it. So the first thought I had was compliment Eli on his skill and acting and charm and wit and how everyone loves him. I should just bin that right now. Absolutely. Right?

Even doing that ironically. I'm flushing. And it is a shit idea yeah it is a shit idea look do you think i fucking funny enough i want from you i want you to say i'm a good actor no i'm confident in my acting abilities i'm glad someone is i actually don't believe you when you say i'm bad okay so even you coming round oh thank god love of my life. Paul thinks I'm a good actor. He's going to compliment me now. Love of my life, is it? Oh, hello. As if... As if...

Love of my life, is it? As if that's what I've been waiting for all these years during the cold opens. Let me just make a quick phone call. Beep, bop, beep. Hello, Freud. What is it when your co-host says love of my life? What does that mean? What's that you say?

Oh, sausage monkey. You're such a dick. Why do you always use freud you don't understand his ideas no we don't get on i don't agree with them no you don't understand i don't i don't use freud as a stand-in like a cheap hack comic all right give me another one i can use instead give me another one a psychosexual therapist paging this whole joke it's a short hand isn't it paging dr freud audience know what the shorthand of mentioning freud is so therefore why can't i use it as a signifier as a joke because it's a cliche you are a fucking sausage monkey that's all i'm saying sausage monkey both those words top of the desperate joke writers list of funny words sausage monkey and throat goat eli silverman now I'm liking it so you just need some

warming up yeah throat goat that's probably a fucking award at the adult film festival and the award for

best throat goat no not best throat goat goat as in greatest of all time throat goat throat goat greatest of all time yeah maybe

it's like a it's like an invite only award oh I don't know I don't know either should we just start the podcast should we just do it i think we've done enough to warrant an opening a cold opening i warrant an opening anyway welcome to this week's episode of cheap show hosted by the throat goat and the sausage monkey boing it's six o' clock in the morning. Boing is what I do when I panic. I'm going to say it.

That's what I mean. What? You panic and all of these fucking, to be frank, cliched tropes come through. Boing! Press the fucking credits. Off, run, run, off, off, run, run, off. Paul, Paul Gannon.

Eli Silverman. Welcome to the Chief Show. Sources and words and phrases. Two things I'm responsible for. Chodney? Chodney Borough. I hate you. You've got to be moved with posse.

Jeep show to the man of the night. Jeep show to the man of the night. It's the price of shine. Jeep show to the man I buy. It's the price of shite. Cheap Show to the man I buy. Welcome to Cheap Show. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast with me, Paul Gannon, and that gentleman over there by the name of...

Eli Silverman, hello all. And it is the podcast that goes through the charity shops, bargain bins and pound lands et al al of Great Britain and bring you the treasure we find amongst that trash. And this week, Eli, straight out the gate, it's all food, all snack, all munchie episode. Okay, I'm looking forward to that. I'm a bit peckish. I'm a little bit peckish too, and we have a lot of snacks to get through.

In fact, I was thinking we go back to the Snack Palace and we welcome a few more potential residents of that building in. You know what I mean? It's not a building. It's an establishment. Well, it's an institution. It's a institution luxury as well as being a luxury resort built on built on the best snacks yes and once you get there it's a bit like the hotel california yeah

they can't get out they can't they don't want to though they've got all the towels they need they do they have all the towels they could possibly want right let's get the towel don't even know the relevance of towels if you don't if you can't remember everyone there was a towel thing

yeah but this is the thing I go along with it but I don't know what you have in mind for towels it's fine we'll wait but that's what we've got to look forward to

it's a load of weirdly rolled up towels just everywhere in the cupboards it's all underground and stuff yeah I don't know either way we're

going back to the snack palace we're going to be inviting along some new contenders to see if they can enter the hallowed halls of snack and also do we have a um oh yes with a little brand brand off at the end at the end we're going to do a dash of off-brand brand off because something caught my eye and i thought let's do it let's just get in there however before we go any further i do want to mention this as of right now if you are a patreon supporter you can get tickets to our one and only live show of 2024 you can get them now if you're a patron you can get your tickets now i'll give you the details now for the live show like

last year we did the cheerful earful podcast festival we are going back there this year to the bigger room and they've given us 90 minutes rather than 60 so there's a bigger auditorium in that building there's no no we're going so you know the main venue was bedford pub we're going to be doing it there in the main room now oh in a totally different location yeah okay and there's only that's that was a nice location it was nice it was a nice studio but this is a lovely venue it's got this it's like almost cabaret style seating as well where the banana cabaret was yeah that venue oh it's a lovely venue oh yeah it like almost cabaret style seating as well. Where the Banana Cabaret was. Yeah. That venue.

Oh, it's a lovely venue. Oh yeah, it was Banana Cabaret, wasn't it? That's right. Back in the day. Or maybe it still goes on there. Banana Cabaret, probably still going, was quite a... Well established and much loved... Stand up night. And it was one of those ones you had to work up to.

It wasn't like an open mic. It was like, have you done the Banana Cabaret yet? It was like a real notch on the bedpost of aspiring... It was. Stand ups at the time. I never fucking did it. I never fucking did it. My notchless on that front.

A totally notchless. Anyway. A notch on the bedpost is when you have sex with someone, isn't it? Yes. Excuse me, love. As I empty my nuts into you, let me just score a mark on my bed. One. Right.

Let me go through the details. So it's part of the Cheerful Earful podcast. It will take place on the Saturday of the 19th of October at one in the afternoon. It's going to be a 90-minute show as opposed to 60, so we get a little bit more bang for our buck. Tickets are £12, but at the moment, they haven't officially made the pages live to buy tickets, and that will happen in June.

So between now and June, the only way you can get tickets is to be a Patreon, and you can give any amount you want on whatever tier. There is some low, what's the lowest? Two dollars? I think it's like a quid or something, isn't it?

A dollar. So you can add, get your ticket, stop being a Patreon if you want to. But for the time being, the next few months, only Patreons have access

to the webpage to buy tickets and there are only going to be 120 tickets. I think it's 120. In total? In total. Okay, great. Come and see us then, everybody.

And also, if you do become a Patreon for as little as a quid, you get access to all sorts. Including the latest episode of our spin-off podcast, Patreon only. Yeah, Nightbussing. Nightbussing 3. SL7. Is it the longest by mile bus route? I believe it is. Not by distance

because I know there are longer journeys you can have on buses, but they're not necessarily... No, distance is miles, Paul. No, no, I mean like time on the bus. Like, you know, some... Duration. Yes. Is the word you're looking for. Because what was the one we did last time?

It was a similar duration, wasn't it? The 199. About 90 minutes. Which is Night Busing Episode 2, everybody. Anyway, yeah. So if you become a patron, on the lowest tier, you will get behind-the-scenes stuff. You will get special video things. You will get Night Buss and then the magazine.

It's a two-hour podcast, the last one. And if you have a problem with it being two hours, you could just listen to the first hour. You're not going to miss much. Just the end of a bus journey. A bus journey through Magic Town. It's not Magic Town. It's South London.

It is magical to us. There were magic moments, like going over the Thames. Yeah. And I relieved it myself. Going around the back of the airport. I like that a lot as well. Maximal liminal. Anyway, that's what you can get if you want to become a patron.

And I want to say this as well. There's a new cheap show magazine coming real soon. The Barshens Special. It's the Barshens Special. Anyway, look, £12 a ticket. Become a patron. Get your tickets now. Help sell us out because this is the big room

and we want to pack it and put on a wicked show. No plans yet, but we are like sprinkling some thoughts over what we're going to do we've had a little discussion in the House of Pickles earlier today Paul and we promise

it'll be a it won't be as elaborate as 300 but it'll be a bit better than the meat and potatoes one we did last year in Leeds where you just slapped

your stomach as far as I remember for about 20 minutes I seem to remember that being the highlight that was your brainwave it was the highlight of the show

how are we going to get out of this show? I'm just going to self-abuse myself. I'll do it again. No, don't do it. I'll do it again if I have to. I have to. Please don't do it again. What?

Not now, anyway. No, we haven't gotten that far yet. If this show goes downhill today, I'll just be slapping my belly by the end. Oh, wow. Until it was Red Raw, do I remember? Tummy, tummy smack by Dr. Naughty. I loved it I had a phone call the other day

just going off on a tangent from Gareth the Ghost Hunter wondering when he can come back because he sensed a terrible presence in this flat I've said he could come back for a private investigation

was that the character from last week sorry I forgot yeah yeah the other one he got his willy out and his willy brings out the ghosts

yeah thank you he says he's got a couple of new gadgets he wants to try well he can't he can't come back this week i hope you haven't asked him to no no yeah yeah no interview we'll do at the end at the end yeah but i've said nothing to him just said i'll speak to you we'll sort out a date when you're you know willing to have someone stay over the night he did say keep the windows open, though. It's a very peculiar scent from the tip of his cock that brings out

the ghosts. Stop! Should we just crack on with this week's episode? Let's do it, Blake. Let's get the munchies on. Okay. Well, it's not quite time to take the bus, the segment bus, to the Snack Palace quite yet.

But we don't get on the bus. We're always in the fiction of this, Paul. We're always positioned by the bus stop. Then the bus arrives. I'm shrugging. If you remember, with some crisp packets riding in the bus. They've come from ChrisPack. But sometimes we have to get the bus to the segment.

Ding, ding. It's a different bus, though. Ding, ding, boing. That's a crisp palace one we get, and they're on the Chris Palace 7. They get the super snack loop. I don't know. Right.

Focus. This is my bit now. Focus. I have two interesting snack products that I bought in London's Chinatown for us to taste.

Wonderful. Actually as well on that note someone got in touch with me who lives in China and said they'd like to send us some stuff but it's really expensive.

He's been saying in China the drinks there have been getting wacky with their flavours and stuff and he'd like us to sample some so so good and it's great to know that we have listeners i know it's crazy i'll show you the pictures later it's on instagram he got in touch and it was fascinating brilliant news now the first of these pork yeah oh what's this uh i'm just gonna hand you the pack so you can tell us right oh it's called yoritos rasa yanguk bakar roasted corn flavor so these are corn snacks flavored like corn snacks they are corn flavored

corn snack no i think it's a dish roasted corn is obviously a popular dish which is like you can see there's photos of it yeah yeah yeah it's almost charred like barbecued sweet corn basically yeah which is nice have you ever had barbecue off a sweet corn uh yesbecued sweet corn, basically, yeah, which is nice. Have you ever had barbecue off a sweet corn? Yes, it's very delicious. I know. We can't always

attack each other for every slip-up. sweet corn off a barbecue? Yes. And you've enjoyed it? I-Y-S is the brand. The brand is I-Y-S. I-Y-E-S.

Or maybe it's I-S. Look at the best before. It's right in the middle under there. 23, 12, 24. Thank you. So in date, we're going to get this. And they look like Cheetos, really. They do. They look like Cheetos.

They're harder corn snack. Not like a Monster Munch or a What's It, which are softer, but are corn as well. More like a knick-knack. Absolutely a knick-knack. Lovely yellow packaging, and we'll be taking pictures of these for the website, thecheapshow.co.uk, where you can check out the page for this episode and see all these images. These are Indonesian, from Indonesia.

Right. It must be a dish there that's popular. We've had snack crisp products, Paul, a couple of times before that taste like the actual base material that the snack is made of. This fascinates me. I call them recursive snacks. Recursive snacks. Good, good coinage.

I've got another great word. Let me start this again again it's time for some cheap eats with eli and paul and i can promise you some lovely badinage today badinage it's like rapport or badinage it basically means banter it comes from a french word for silly conversation i've i was aware of that word badinage okay let's get badinage into our vocab yeah badinage um we had with biffo and sanya we tasted i seem to remember yes some roast potato because it was around christmas yeah a roast potato flavor crisps i think they were mob what's that brand mrs baker or something i can't remember i thought they were morrison's i thought they were morrison's brand could well either way but they were crisps that were meant to taste like a potato dish, which is strange.

And I also don't believe them in my memory palette. They didn't seem to taste like roast potatoes at all anyway. They were very rosemary strong. And like peppery? Yeah. Or there was some kind of like charred thing. Well, that's difficult because it's like a much more successful recursive snack that we tried was the Dutch ones that I brought, which were mayo and chip, mayo on chips flavor. Yes. And that did have a sort of weird and chip, mayo on chips flavour. Yes. And that did have a sort of weird potato-iness above

with the mayo-ness. But these... These are corn snacks that are made to taste like sweet corn. Yeah. So let's get in. The huff begins. Can you do the huff, please?

Oh, you sure? I thought that was your privilege. I'll do the huff. I kind of feel like I'd be denying the audience. Okay. You know what? It is a sweet corn, but it's like all these snacks from this part of the world, I feel like I'd be denying the audience. Okay. You know what? It is a sweet corn, but it's... Like, all these snacks from this part of the world,

they're much sweeter than the ones in the West, aren't they? And this almost smells like fucking chocolate or vanilla. Really? Right, hang on. I'm going to jostle and hoof. You'll see what I mean. There's a real, sweety, confectionery... I mean, it is sweet corn, but...

Ooh! Like vanilla ice cream or something. Yeah. sweety confectionery. I mean, it is sweet corn, but... Ooh! Like vanilla ice cream or something. Yeah. The thing is, to me, that smells like vanilla wafer or like a vanilla wafer thing. Good, well done.

But I can see what they're going at because there is that buttery corn, roasted corn butter. It's there as well. Now taste these. Oh, I'm going to do it. I don't know if I like the smell. It's a little bit off-putting

and overly sweet. No, it's not as good as the taste because I have tasted these before. I like the smell. It's a little bit off-putting and overly sweet. No, it's not as good as the taste, because I have tasted these before. Here comes the crunch. Nah. They're not repulsive, but they're not for me. They're weirdly too sweet. It's like I want a more buttery flavour.

I see what they're going for, but at the same time, it's like... Too sugary. It's too sugary up front. The back end is quite buttery. Sweet corny. Yeah, but the front is way too sweet and a kind of um i don't like almost like a tomato flavored crisp okay they do have a sweet corn

flavor for me yeah i want more of the char that i see in the photos some of the smokiness sort of burnt yeah yeah yeah i don't hate those i have to say i don't hate those no i'm not they're not for me but they're not repulsive i think they're just a bit too sweet. They're not too bad. Now, for the second item I brought along today, Paul, another crisp, but these I have... What? It's just because the English title of these amused me. Fine.

These are Lay's or Walker's. These are the biggest crisp manufacturers on the planet. On the planet. And these obviously are... Lords of crisps. From China or something. Yeah. I'm going to hand them to you. I'm going to hand them to you.

I'm going to hand them to me. Right. Italian red meat flavour. Okay, weird. But what is the photo? It doesn't have beef, because red meat is just beef or pork. Well, it looks like just the kind of a bolognese sauce. It looks like a bolognese.

I think that's what they mean by red meat. It's red meat sauce, isn't it? So what they may be saying is this is a bolognese flavoured crisp. I believe it probably is. Which in itself is a fascinating suggestion. I'm going to guess sort of a like a roast beef flavour with some oregano notes. Or basil

maybe. Basil? Basil. Basil! Do you put basil in? I do. I like a nice basil in my bolognese. Yeah, nice. Right, I'm going to go do the huff on these. Huff now. I have a feeling these are going to be overly sweet as well in a weird way. Well, get in. Go on, get in.

Stop toying with me. And here you know, on the back it says Italian stewed flavour. Weird. Weird. I will taste them presently. I just want to see if I can see where they're from. Okay. Boring.

I can't. I'm assuming China or somewhere like that. Get in. Get in. Shut up. Get in that bag. Just jostle the mussel and molecules. Jostle somewhere like that. Get in. Get in. Shut up! Get in that bag. Just jostle the mussel and molecules. Jostle and huff.

Wake up the huff. That 80s Motown group, remember them? Jostle and huff. Solid, solid... That's Ashford and Simpson. You're thinking of Gamble and Huff, who started the Sound of Philadelphia record. Nothing to do with Motown. What did they do then? Ain't no stopping us now.

Okay, I'll do that. Ain't no eating some crisps. We're having a hoof. What a waste of time that gag was. It was. It was bad. I was trying to stop you. Boing.

I'm not getting a very strong flavour, especially compared to your Ritos. Your Ritos last night was like Doritos, I just realised. Yeah. There's a sort of salt and vinegar coming off this. Interesting. But it's not...

I'm just trying to get more of an opening from my huff hole. Get your nose in. It's not much. See what you think about the huff on those, Paul, and then you can take some out to taste as well. Oh, yeah, you're weird. I thought there'd be much more going on, but there's nothing. It's a sort of crisp flavour.

These are like standard Lay's walkers, aren't they? Or they have a slight colouring. Breaded powder, I guess. Like a paprika crisp would have. This is stewed meat or Italian red meat flavour. We don't know. Why wouldn't it say bolognese? Nothing.

I actually don't know what that is. There is a sweetness, but it's lighter, isn't it? It's tomato sweetness, but very vague. Not like that rich tomato crisp flavour you get. It's almost subtle. And yet there's a little bit of, like, a bacon kind of paprika-y thing. Yes. Subtle. It's not terrible.

It's a perfectly fine crisp, as it stands. It's just weirdly kind of too subtle. Yeah. Still. Not bad though. No. I could, you know, I could eat those. But they are less sweet than some Lay's I've had from that part of the world. Out of those two crisps, I'd probably demolish that bag over the others. Okay.

I just find... But do you like a knick-knack generally? Do you like... Yeah. You do? I love it. I like a crunchy Cheeto. Yeah.

But as I say, that to me just doesn't... It's not my thing, really. Okay. So I was going to ask you for a mark out of five for both. For the first one, I would give that two and a half. Not awful, not for me. Second one, I would probably give it a solid three. Okay.

What about you? I'll have to concur, basically. I'll go up to 3.5 for the stewed Italian meat. Oh, no, fair enough. Red meat, a stewed Italian sausage. If anyone does know what a stewed red Italian meat is, then please do get in touch. I can't promise I'll care.

You'll see the photos on the website, everybody, of these. But it does look like a bolognese with a nice sprig of basil. Upon the sauce. Sitting up upon. Up upon. A basil on the tip of the sauce. Crested with a little sprig. A sprig of basil on the tip.

A sprig of basil on the. Are you just going to say what I say is that what you're doing this week yeah you're just waiting for me to say something gold and then you just repeat it

I've noticed this I said sprig of basil on the sauce first you fucking didn't of course I did rewind Eli's a stupid cunt there you go

there's your fucking mouth noise cliche I'll do my mouth noises whenever I want I can do whatever I want are you a special effects guy mouth effects guy I am the Michael Winslow

of podcasting I think we'll all agree and here's my next sound give me any sound effect and I'll do it go on anything anything

okay give me a sound to make late 90s computer being turned on alright I think you could have done better there Give me a sound to make. Late 90s computer being turned on. All right. Fudung.

Fudung. I think you could have done better there, Paul. Puddly dung. Puddly dung. Let's press the button. Let's go to the next segment. Puddly dung. No, I'm out.

Who are you, Mr. Puddly dung? Is he a new character? No. The answer's no. Let's move on. The answer's no. Let's move on. Just waiting for the segment bus to drop us off.

It should be here in a minute, the segment bus. To drop us off, but it should be here. You're fucking hell. Why can't you conceive of a fucking journey? We have to get the bus. You cannot conceive. It's clearly a bus containing the crisp. We're waiting here in the desert.

Ooh, some scrub. How did we get there? We're just here. The segment bus. No, not... We got the fucking segment bus there. It's a travelator. No, it's not. We're on the segment travelator.

No, I'm not committing to the travelator conceit. I refuse to get some old segments out there. Come on, Paul. You're a few steps behind me on the travelator. I'm not doing... I'm taking the bus. Ding, ding. Oh, the bus is overtaking the travelator. I'm not doing it. I'm taking the bus. Ding, ding. Oh, the bus is overtaking the travelator.

Oh, Paul's mooning me out of the bus. Have my pressed ham, you prick. All right, we arrived. Bing, bing. Next stop, Snack Palace. Depart for Snack Palace. Thank you, Mr. Bus Driver. No, thank you, Paul, for being a lovely person and a great bus passenger.

No, thank you, Mr. Bus Driver, for being a lovely bus driver. What a delightful conceit that I think works on multiple levels. It would work if you got your fucking facts straight. You literally... Thank you for opening the doors, Mr. Bus Driver. There, I didn't need to say it, but I've said it anyway. That was a bus door sound effect. You know you made a massive... Ding, Mr. Bus Driver. There, I didn't need to say it, but I've said it anyway. That was a bus door sound effect. You know you made a massive...

Ding, ding! Next stop. Buses don't ding like that. Little kitchen. All aboard. There goes the bus. Bye, Mr. Bus Driver. Oh, well, I've just arrived

off the travelator. What a boring journey that was. No characters, no wit, no joy to shoot. Holding your hand on an imaginary rail, that's not there. I liked it. It's quite relaxing. No characters, no wit, no joy to see. Holding your hand on an imaginary rail, that's not there.

I liked it. It's quite relaxing. No movement, no sonic invention. Anyway, here we are in the desert and just over that hill,

Paul, shining on top of the hill. Yeah. Like a beacon of hope. It's the palace. It's the snack palace. Let's walk up there. No, we're not walking up there.

The bus has got to arrive with the crisps in. So what, now we have... We're just waiting at the end of the arrive with the crisps in. So what, now we have... We're just waiting at the end of the driveway for the crisps. Why is it on top of a fucking mountain now? It's just a hill. It's not a mountain.

It's just a nice landscape hill. Don't like it. What kind of hill? How big? Not that big. It's a mound. So it's more of a mound than a hill? Yes.

Can I walk from here without breaking a sweat? We can, but we've got to wait here. This is where the bus stops. We don't want to go in the snack palace because we don't know whether the crisps are getting in.'t want to go in the snack palace because we don't know whether the crisps are getting in we're not allowed

in the snack palace what happens if you remember is the crisps come up on the bus they get off and then we chase them and then we say

whether they can go in or not or maybe go to the pool house or they can fuck off back on the bus or work in the towel mines

yeah maybe you can work in the towel mines we shouldn't be allowed to open those you know that right we shouldn't be allowed to operate that

but the thing is crisps they don't count as humans. So they can fucking make new towels. They can dig new towels out. We can make as many towels as we fucking want. We can make the world's largest towel cupboard. Let's do it. Let's make the world's biggest towel

and then the world's biggest towel cupboard. Using crisp labour. Make the world's biggest wet man to wash. Using slave crisp labour. Using slave crisp labour. Well, we'll see if this is a strong crisp, then it might be able to lift a load of towels. Yeah, yeah. Already got those fucking knockoff Wotsits down there, fucking chipping away at the towel mines.

Now, what? Bringing out raw, raw fabric that's woven. This just is. By crisp handmaidens. Handmaidens? Yeah. Handmaidens are surrogate mothers. Yes.

They reproduce more. They reproduce more. Yes, anything I suggest. Oh, well, we've become horrible people. Now, here comes the bus, Paul, with the first of our prospective crisps coming up. Ding, ding. Next stop is the snack palace. Oh, I wonder what crisps are going to come out.

Hey, everybody. Hello. I want to come in the house. I'm a special kind of guy. How was your journey? It was lovely. It's an air-conditioned bus. He's the bus driver.

Great, great. He's a very friendly man. Oh, good. He's a very friendly man. Oh, good. He's sexy. Sexy man. So, I heard about this place and I really want to go in. We want people to get into the crisp.

I really want to go in. Good. We want crisp people to come into the crisp house. I'm a brand new flavour. We need to taste you. You're a brand new flavour. I can see, obviously, the packaging, but explain to our listeners,

please, what crisps you are. Hello, I am the real McCoy's Epic Eats Crisp Shop Curry Sauce. Ah,

now, the Epic Eats. Let me in. Paul, did we... I don't know why that's funny to me. Paul,

did we taste another one of these McCoy's Epic Eats? I don't know why that's funny to me. Paul, did we taste another one of these McCoy's Epic Eats? I don't know. It's been a while. I'm sure they did. This is them trying to do different flavours from their main ones. Well, the only other one they do here is apparently... Excuse me, don't mind. Are you talking about your...

No, that's fine. I just keep quiet while you... Wait a minute. I'm bored of that now as well. No, you have to keep going until we taste it. Bollocks. Anyway, the other flavour they have in the Epic Eats line is banging barbecue. And I don't think we've done that.

Okay. But it's obviously what a lot of these brands are doing these days, Paul. Yeah. What makes it epic? Nothing. Flavour, ridge, cut, potato, crisp, 45% less salt. They're doing sort of special editions aren't they?

I guess. Or lots of limited run kind of crisp snack food. It's the era of flavouring and snack foods that we live in which we love.

Now these are chip shop curry sauce. Now where have we seen that before? Bobby's. Bobby's. Did a great one. They were corn puffs

they weren't potato crisps. The Latisse ones. The lattice whatever it is. Fancy Latisse. Latisse. Latisse. In the garage.

That could be a fucking disco group. Latisse. Latisse. Latisse. Latisse. Say she. Okay.

Latisse. Hashish. No, it's a good one. I have a topper for it. 45% less salt. Wow. Now, maybe these will be under salty

which is no bad thing because usually you open a packet of crisps and there's just red along the bottom in those nutritional guide things the nutritional guide on the traffic light system

has only the only red one is the fat on this now yeah salt is just 2% it says here which I presume is pretty good

2% of your daily intake that is small because 6 grams is the daily intake well just I'm not going to, no spoilers, but the next crisp we're going to buy, their salt level is 7%.

Okay. We'll get to that later. But we, I can't remember if it was a lattice, but it was some kind of Bobby's corn-based snack. And have we had a, was there a Seabrooks, or was there another flavour we've done? Yes, and that was quite nice as well. Yeah.

They're not exactly original here, but with McCoy's, we're bringing this out. But it is something that is, it's a great flavour for a crisp, a mild curry. When done well, otherwise it's horrible. Now, if you weren't aware, chip shop curry is a big thing in England, isn't it, basically? Yes, I don't really know the origin of that flavour, that sauce,

because it's very particular to chip shops. I think it came from Chinese immigrants who often opened fish and chip shops. Because it is very similar to what, you know, to like a curry sauce you'd get in a Chinese restaurant. An Anglo-Chinese restaurant, rather. You know, a Chinese restaurant here. Okay, just very briefly, there's a website called oliversfishandchips.co.uk. And it says curry sauce.

It originated in the 1970s, where many fish and chip shops in the north of England were owned by Asian families. Yes. Just over the Irish Sea, the Irish take on the curry sauce is darker, richer than its English counterparts and typically contains flavours enhancers like MSG. So it's delicious. It's not spicy at all. No. It's got sweetness.

It's sweet and spicy. But a little spicy. It's delicious and it's great on chips. Apparently as well, it goes on to say that the flavour profile itself is a deliberate mash-up of Chinese and Indian influences. And it's a purposely mild sauce in terms of curries. I find that fascinating because, you see, that's where I got that thought that it's closer to what, like, a Chinese curry you'd get from a Chinese takeaway, you know? Yeah.

Anyway, but it was very much a northern thing and has only been encroaching into the south and London in recent years. But you can get it with a fish and chip shop, George's, across the road from me, which is ace, by the way. Yeah, they're friendly. They've got a nice curry sauce there and it's a standard one. Yeah. They just put some water, they pour boiling water onto a powder, is I think how they make it. Oh, right. Okay, that's interesting.

Yeah. Here's a question, quick question then. So you know in Scotland they have their own chip sauce, their own sauce. Which is very similar to an HP or a brown sauce, but it's more watered down with vinegar. Very vinegary. And they call it brown, don't they? No, I think it's just like chips and sauce. But here's my question.

Is there a flavour of crisps flavoured like that in Scotland? Oh, that would be great. Or even a limited run one. There are HP flavoured crisps. Anyway, I'm going to go in for a hoof. Let's do this. We've talked too much. Oh! Yeah, no, that's going to go in for a hoof. Let's do this. We've talked too much. Oh!

Yeah, no, that's definitely the chip curry sauce I recognise. Maybe a bit spicier than usual. Oh, that's nice. Very nice. Good flavour. McCoy's generally good on flavour, aren't they? Yeah, really good, actually, by and large. Some people sort of swear by them.

They only will like, you know... Oh, yeah. Because their cheese and onion is distinct, for example. It's because... Stronger. They say the Ridges holds more flavour, which means, well means whatever, but... It does do something

in terms of the texture, in terms of the delivery of the flavour molecules to the tongue. Yeah. Maybe there's more surface area. Maybe. Let's munch.

Well, I enjoyed that. It wasn't as strong. I thought it was going to be a lot sweeter and overwhelmingly flavoured, but no, quite quiet. Yeah. Do you know what it is, though?

What? All those flavours are very nice, but I'm missing the salt to bring it. Really? Absolutely. They taste under-seasoned to me. Okay.

So it's good. It's good. They're not bad. No. But honestly, there's this anchor that salt does in food. Oh, I know. Yeah. It can make other flavours brighter. That's right. That's why people put it on stuff. And it's just not there. I personally would say

I wasn't missing the salt then. I was just going, in my head, does this have enough flavour of the chip curry sauce to make it palatable? And it does. It certainly does. But it's a lighter, less dense flavour. Can it go to the crisp palace? Hey guys, I'm over here. What's your deal?

Am I allowed in? Well, we're still talking here. What's it going to take to get me in the palace? More salt, really. I can take some salt on me. Hey, please let me in. Please. They're after me.

Who? I can't say, but I need some place to stay. They're after me. Well, you can stay here, but can we just... Can I please stay in the pool house, maybe? You'll have to... There's a whole wodge of towels. It's blocking the...

I'm okay for towels. I love towels. Towel me up. I love it. Please let me in. They're after me. Yes, but you'll have to move some towels. If you're...

Listen. I can make a little hiding place out of towels. I can make a little forest. That's towels. I can make a little forest. It's fine. There's plenty of rooms. Please let me in. Paul? I think just push him in the pool house.

Let him just fucking get on with it. That's what I'm saying. I wish he'd shut up. So please can we? Yeah. All right. Can you shut up? We'll let you in the pool house, but you can't go into the palace.

You just can't. What about meal times? It's okay. I behave. Just let me in. It's up there on the mound. It's just up there. Thank you, I'm gonna go...

I really hated him. I hated him. What a freaky little shit. Here's some other... I think in a minute there'll be a bus. Another bus? Alright. Just bear with. A bus for each fucking snack. It's a quite regular route. It's quite popular. You know what, Paul? You're putting too many buses into our imaginary world.

It's the number 29 of segment buses. It's quite common and regular. I like to travel later. Yeah, well, the travel later has no character. I'm bringing the buses. I don't... No one agrees with this. Ding, fucking ding, Mr. Silverman.

That's the shit. That's definitely some stinky badinage. Yeah, prosteaterity. Prosteaterity. Anyway. Well, that is BAM related, so. It is. Anyway, look, there's another bus coming.

Ding, ding. Snack Palace. Snack Palace is the next stop. Oh, here they come, Eli. Two of them. Oh, the two of them come together. Snack Palace. Snack Palace is the next stop. Oh, here they come, Eli. Two of them. Oh, the two of them come together. Hello. Hello.

I'm... We're the... We're the... The Fish and Chips twins. Oh, the Fish and Chips twins. Which one's... Yes, that's right. Which one's which?

Well, I'm Pickled Onion. Yes, that's right. And I'm... I'm a... Salt and Vinegar. I'm a Salt and Vinegar Fish and Chips. Yeah, he's... Salt and vinegar. I'm a salt and vinegar fish and chips. Yeah, he's a salt and vinegar fish and chips. I thought you had a fish and chip flavour, but I guess not.

Well, we're special ones. Yes, I'm very special. I'm a cheese and onion. Yeah. And I'm a biscuit-based snack, so not really crisps at all, are we? We don't have a cheese and onion. We have a pickled onion and salt and vinegar.

I just want to clarify that. I'm pickled onion. Just to get your character right. I know it will inform the character so much.

I have two fucking characters. Yeah, well, that's what you said before we said it. Which one do you want to do?

And you were like, I'll take our two characters. That's literally your fucking words. I'm pickled onion. Yeah. I think you swapped

them. I think you swapped them. I haven't. Because I think you said salt and vinegar was the highlight. Mate.

I'm salt and vinegar obviously because highlight. Mate. I'm salt and vinegar, obviously, because I'm a bit zingy and high-pitched. And I'm the onion one. These fucking two jokers should get fucked, buddy. Get in the fucking pool house, you. Yeah, get in the pool house, you shit. Something fucking suspect about you. You begged us for this, and now you're heckling us. Fuck off.

There's something fucking sus going on with you, mate. Fuck off. He's on the run, Paul. Go! So anyway, so... Are you going to taste us then? Yes, we're going to taste you. Oh, great! You're from a company called Burton's, is that right? Yes, Burton's, and

we are biscuit-based little fishies and chippies things. Yeah, no, I like them. I like them very much. That's right, we're I like them. I like them very much. That's right, we're fish and chips. I'm just going to get Eli to come over then and we're going to taste you now.

So if you just want to take a seat over there. Over here? Yeah, just go over there. Back on the bus? No, no, no, the bus has gone. I left my Walkman on the bus. That bus will be back

in about an hour so it might still be on there then. Oh no. So you just have to sit in the corner. With my Sheena Easton tape in that. I know. For your eyes only. Oh right, I guess I could

I don't know What other songs Did Sheena Easton sing? Oh there's loads on that Like? Since you're such a big fucking fan I can call the bus I don't know the songs

I just like the sound of them Yeah I'm not very I'm not very I'm cutting all of this Right You're cutting what? Sit over there

Just sit over there, you two. Where, over where? I've been quite well behaved. Yes, thank you. Can I just grab that stand? Salt and vinegar, you're very good. Thank you. You're not causing a fuss like fucking pickled onion over there.

I've lost my woman. Look, there's a little vestibule over there. Can you go sit in the vestibule on the swing? The little snack swing. Is there a swing or a vestibule? All I can see is desert. It's a vestibule with a swing in. All right.

Next to the travelator. All right. Could I just say, we do want to be in the palace because we're good. We'll be the judges of that. You shouldn't have done these characters out there. I'm enjoying it, mate. Just get into crisps. I'm enjoying it.

You enjoyed that, your one. Come on. Can't I have some fun? Yes, you can. It's fine. Let's taste these fucking shits. Do you want to do salt and vinegar? I need more background because we need to find out what the fuck.

So Burton's, as it stands, are actually more known for biscuits. Okay. What's their famous biscuit? Let me find out because they've got their brands. They do. Oh, mate. Well, these are biscuits, essentially, aren't they? These are like mini cheddars, we should say.

Okay. Burton's do wagon wheels they do jammy dodgers big brands and they do Maryland cookies okay

so they're big aren't they Maryland is shit though aren't they I'm not a big fan of those kind of cookies they always taste stale and off

I like jammy dodgers anyway they do different kinds of jammy dodgers as well don't they like apple ones every now and then I'll pop into a

fucking shop and I'll pop into a fucking shop and I'll see six new flavours pineapple fucking ones or unicorn flavour or whatever one they had so this is on their website they say

Burton's fish and chips salt and vinegar a delicious snack time treat each bag full of irresistible salt and vinegar flavoured mini baked snack biscuits there you go

mini baked snack biscuits originally from the 1980s these tasty fish and chips from the 80s apparently shaped biscuits are and chips. From the 80s? Apparently. Shaped biscuits are the perfect snack to munch on when hunger strikes. And that's right, each biscuit either looks like a little fishy or a little kind of potato chip. But if you look at the scale, the chips are huge compared to the fish.

They really are. In terms of real. But in America, they've got these things that are very similar called goldfish, don't they? Yes. Which are fish-shaped little baked biscuits that are cheese-flavoured. Weren't there like a scampi-flavoured version of these? I thought there was a fish and chip thing. Well, that's what I wanted you to find out, but no.

They don't. This is the only one. The original is the salt and vinegar. I see. So let's start with salt and vinegar. That makes sense, doesn't it? Start with salt and vinegar then. Let's get straight in.

Am I? Are you going to taste me now? Yeah, take it off. Okay, good. Get undressed for us. Just put your fingers in me and scoop it out. I'm going to taste me now? Yeah, take it off. Okay, good. Get undressed for us. Just put your fingers in me and scoop it out. I'm going to do it. The things you have to do to get in the palace.

Actually, the more I think about it, I don't like that. I don't like that conceit of getting the crystal undressed for us. No, I know. I wasn't going along with it. Why did you come up with that? I didn't. It's so fucking weird of you. It just seems weird for you to come up with that. I didn't. It's so fucking weird of you. It just seems weird for you to come up with that.

I didn't do it. Weird. Mate. You've ruined this segment with your filth. Oh, that's quite a pleasing, almost sweet, vinegary flavour. Subtle. Yeah. Actually, it's weird because, yeah, these are definitely snacks, not crisps.

But in my head, I think I'm eating crisps, but they're not. They're not crisps, no. I don't like mini cheddars. I do. Because I find they mulch up. I don't like that aspect. But I'm willing to give these a go, Paul. Yeah.

But I'm thinking these are going to be like mini cheddars. Anyway, we're going to have a go. They're the original ones as well. All right. I don't like the texture. They're soft, aren't they? Not crisp enough. No, for a biscuit, which is, you know, allegedly twice baked, hence the name.

They barely feel baked. They're too soft. And it's not very, um, has a real tang. The vinegar, I want more. No, there's no bite to that salt and vinegar. I mean, it's not repulsive. It's not horrible. But it seems like you're getting a knockoff of what you expect you're meant to be getting.

Yeah. So, Mr. Salt and Vinegar, you sit down. We're going to go to your friend now, Pickled Onion. Oh, my twin. Send him over. All right, come on, Pickled Onion. Oh, no. Yeah.

All right. Just want to say sorry about that. Right, come on, pickled onion. Oh, no, yeah. All right. Just want to say sorry about that, complaining about the bus and everything and I think you're both great. It turns out that you've left the Walkman there.

It's just on the side. Oh, there it is. Yeah, it fell on down. It's not Sheena Reeson. It was Dina. Right. Yeah, it was Spania, sorry. Spania with Call Me.

Spania? Yeah, Spania. S-P-A-G-N-A, Spagna. With a song called Me, You Got the Best of Spagna. Anyway. Again, I can't... That's a sort of real... Like bin hoof.

Yeah, the onion. It smells like a food bin. It does. It has that horrible sort of acrid onion tang. Like an old onion, you know? Onions get sort of funkier. Dry and yellowed. It's not great.

Paul doesn't like them. No, actually, I would say... Oh, those are pickled onion, aren't they? Yeah, pickled onion. I would say, in terms of flavour, it's much more robust than the salt and vinegar, and you can definitely tell that's a pickled onion snack. You're going to have to split the twins up.

They seem quite close. I reckon we let one in the house and one in the pool house and keep them separate forever. And if they fucking step out of line, they go down the mine. That's the phrase I use. If you step out of line, you go down the mine. Okay. Should we break it to them?

I don't know if I agree. Why? What? How about we put them both in the pool house? Or one in the pool house and one in the mine? Everyone goes to the pool house. No one's in the palace. Right. Well, we do need and one in the mine. Everyone goes to the pool house. No one's in the palace. Right. Well, we do need some people down the mine.

So let's just fucking put them down. Yeah, fucking let's double the workers. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Come over here. Come over here. Great.

So what will it be? Yeah. Okay. So let me tell you. So we've decided that. Oh, this is exciting. Although you are both perfectly fine snacks. Oh.

We don't think you quite have that. We don't think you have the je ne sais quoi to get into the snack palace. The je ne what? Je ne sais quoi to get into the snack palace. Is that a Shino Eastern song? Yes, it is. It's a Spaniard one as well.

How does it go? I still love you. Je ne sais pas pourquoi. And that's actually a Kylie Minogue song, so check that out, pricks. I got you. Such a dick. Sorry about him, guys.

He's a podcast host. Okay, so we do have a job opening, so to speak. In the palace? There's a special bus coming back in a minute. Oh, right. Okay. And it will take you to the mine where you'll be able to dig for towels for us. Sorry? You'll be digging for dig for towels for us. Sorry? You'll be digging for towels.

You can put towels that are made from cotton. Yeah, no, we grow it in the mines and you harvest the fabric. I know, this sounds very strange.

You bring it to the handmaid. Harvest fabric from underground. And then you basically work there until you die. It doesn't work at all that as a concept. No, but I mean, the thing is,

the problem is, I mean, within this reality, it is a concept that exists and it is actually a thing that you will be going to right now. No, but I mean, the thing is, the problem is, I mean, within this reality, it is a concept that exists and it is actually a thing that you will be going to right now. Okay. I'm up for that.

So security, can we get these off the property, please? Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! And off they go. And off they went to the snack mines.

So they weren't very good, actually. The towel mines. Paul, let's drop the conceit for a second. Yeah, they're off to the van, taking them away. Yeah, the towel mines. Thank you. Well, the snack palace does have a security force, doesn't it? Yeah, they're fucking brutal.

They're mean. Have you seen them? Did you see what they fucking did to the knickknacks that stuck out of line? It's fucking terrible what they get up to. Right. They weren't very good. Didn't like them. No, basically. Well, they're in the mines now, so fuck them.. Right. They weren't very good. Didn't like them. No. Basically.

Well, they're in the mines now, so fuck them. That's it. That's not very good. Anyway, let's get back to the podcast, because I think the podcast bus is coming around now. I'm going to get the travelator, because I'm not waiting. Oh, the travelator's going all the time. It's travelator. Oh, I've just noticed.

There's a special cheap show travelator app, and I can speed it up. I'm going so fast, Paul. Right, I'm back in the podcast. Well, his bus is still coming. God, I can't even see. It's miles away. Here he comes on his fucking bus. Oh, mate, that bus driver sucked me off.

It's worth the wait. off brand off off brand off brand off brand off brand

off brand off brand off brand off brand

off brand off brand off brand off brand

off brand off brand off brand off brand

off brand off brand off brand off brand

off brand off brand off brand it's off brand brand off where we waste brand, off brand, off brand, off brand, off brand, off brand. Brand. It's Off Brand Brand Off.

Where we waste 30 seconds of this episode doing the theme before we test two foods that have a similar flavour profile. But one is a brand, one isn't a brand. And Eli, a super taster, will try and determine which one is the brand. And significantly, which one under a blind taste test circumstance he prefers. Which I prefer and I'm going to see if I can distinguish between the two products. Now, Paul didn't make that crystal clear. I didn't make it crystal clear. I just want to do a little addendum on it, okay?

You're not allowed addendums. I'm an addendum man. I'm doing an addendum now. No, you're not. You're not. You're a caveat guy. I'm an addendum man. The extent to which I comprehend them means I can do... This is a caveat then? The extent to which I comprehend them This is a caveat Means I can do This is a caveat then

The extent to which Yeah I comprehend them That coat hanger's Moving by itself Look It's the breeze Ghosts

Bring in Gareth I've got to bring in Gareth No no Please You sure Yeah Please no Come on

I've got to eat in this bit It was going to ruin my palate Fine okay I'll mention it to gareth he says he wants more proof of the supernatural okay well there's swinging coat hanger or gives in the willies these are essentially the if you know what i mean it gives it the willies the one thing i don't think you made clear paul is this is essentially a product and a copy product yes a copy of the thing a cheaper alternative to the branded original. But often it's actually copying the specific packaging in a cheeky way.

And that's the case now. So let them know. I won't open them. You don't have to put the blindfold on yet. But today we're doing quavers. Because I don't think we've done a knockoff of quavers before, right? What we have done is quavers are traditionally a cheese-flavoured corn snack, is it? It's a potato snack.

But it's a processed potato where they make it kind of mulch and then they shape it into these quaver shapes they're ribbons basically

curled ribbons of processed potato powdered and then baked into a weird curled shape they're a tasty snack they're one of my favourites

they're very light what have we done a knock off of quaver I don't think we haven't but what we have is they came out with two new flavours didn't they

walkers we tasted those in Twickenham prawn cocktail and salt and vinegar that is the not so pagan Quaver, I don't think we haven't. But what we have is they came out with two new flavours, didn't they? Walkers. We tasted those in Twickenham. Prawn cocktail and salt and vinegar. That is the Not So Pagan picnic episode, yes. Again, we did so much in that one, didn't we? Quite a lot, more than I even remember. And we didn't like either of those, did we? No, we didn't have the same feel as the satisfying bite of a cheesy quaver.

It was conceived as a cheese flavoured crisps. And now what are the knockoffs we're going to do? These are from Morrison's and they're called Cheese Curls and to the eye, they're almost exactly the same. They're powdered, well, they're baked potato snacks

in the same style, form, construct and who knows, maybe even flavour profile. They have copied, the Morrisons have copied the Walker's Quavers pack completely yellow. The font is similar. A kind of hand-written-y cursive kind of thing. have copied, the Morrisons have copied the Walker's Quavers pack completely. Yeah. Yellow.

The font is similar. A kind of handwritten-y cursive kind of thing. And do you know what? A little point here. Yeah. Look at the artwork on the knockoff. Yeah. Doesn't it look, you've got photos of some curls,

but the ones in the background are sort of in silhouette, and they just look like Watsits. Yeah, they do. They're Watsit-shaped, like those packing peanuts sort of shape. Yeah. And the other thing is of course paul what do they call watsits in the states as a generic name don't know cheese curls yeah oh okay yeah i guess these are not what no these look like watsits you see what i'm getting at those hers cheese those hers carolina reaper yeah cheese curls those are great remember those so here's what's going to happen i'm going to put a blindfold on eli or rather he'll administer the blindfold to himself

And then I will present one quaver or one cheese curl to him He won't know which one He'll eat it, taste it, give me his thoughts And then I'll give him the second And then he'll tell me which one of those he thinks is the cheese curl And which one is the branded quaver product And I'll also be saying which one I liked more Yes, exactly

But there might be various Sometimes it's indiscernible, the difference Now for a pack of six Quavers, which is what this comes from, I think it was £1.20 in Morrisons. Okay. And this, the pack of six Cheese Curls, 85p. Okay.

Significantly cheaper. Yeah. So, please administer your own blindfold. About a third cheaper. I'm just going to get... Clean your palate. I've got to linger off that. After that thing.

They deserve to be working for the rest of their short lives. Fucking short, desperate, miserable fucking lives in the towel mines. Okay. I'm going to open these ahead of time now. Now, what do I expect? Am I in front of the mic? What is the amplitude of Quaver to you? They're great.

They're very, almost numami. They've got a mouth coating. They're crisp at first, but then it's a sort of warm mouth coat. They melt almost as well. Yeah, do you know what I mean? It's that melty, which is so pleasant with them. And it spreads that cheese. Do you agree? Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, it spreads the cheese over the tongue. It does, as you eat it. It's a great cheese

flavour delivery unit. So, I don't know what to expect the knock-off to be lacking in. Maybe texture? I think... What are your thoughts on this? I haven't tasted these so I don't know what to expect the knock-off to be lacking in. Maybe texture? What are your thoughts on this? I haven't tasted these, so I don't know. And unless the texture gives it away, I actually think this might be quite difficult. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking.

But we'll see. We'll see. I'm going to give you the first cheese snack now. So put your other hand out, because it's going to be easy for me to reach that one. I'm going to give you a big one, so you've got lots to chew on. Okay, and I'm going to go for a smell first, see if I can discern anything from that. Alright, this is the biggest one. They're not the stinkiest of snacks, are they?

They can be. They can make your fingers smell like they've been up your arsehole if you eat too many of them. Very much like a Watsit. Again, they're very... There you go. They're related to Watsits, aren't they? A Watsit potato or... I don't know, but they're much more puffier. Anyway, give it a snuff. It's got a nice potato-y smell. And there's the cheese, yeah. There's the cheese. And to your hand, they feel like a quaver. They're much more puffier. Anyway, give it a snuff. It's got a nice potato-y smell. And there's the cheese, yeah.

There's the cheese. And to your hand, they feel like a quaver. They are a quaver, right? It's going to be difficult, this. So he's giving it a huff. I don't know if that's the quaver cheese flavour. It's very specific, that flavour. I've got no comparison.

To me, that's a little bit staler, a little bit more chemical-y than a real quaver. Well, go on. Bite it. So I'm thinking this might be the knockoff. All right. He's put it in his mouth and he's eating it now and he's munching it

and chewing the whole cheese snack. I'm going to turn to him now and ask what he thinks. That just tastes like a quaver to me. Lovely. Yeah, you're happy with that? The flavour's all there. Would you like a second one?

Yeah. All right, let's give you a second one. This is the same one, yeah? Yeah. Don't mess me about. No, no, no, no, I wouldn't. Of all the piss-taking we do, we don't do that here. It's important we keep these tests absolutely clean as a whistle.

Again, it tastes like a quaver. There is just a slight lack of amplitude or richness or sort of intensity of flavour. All right. That I expect from a quaver that I don't feel I'm getting here. I might be wrong. All right. And obviously, I haven't had the second thing yet. No.

He's taking the second bite now of the second cheese snack that I've offered him. And I hope maybe that will qualify him for us. Now, I don't know if this makes sense to you, Paul, but I sort of expect a quaver to be a little bit thicker once it melts than this was. You know what I mean? It's a little thin once it's broken down. Yeah. Anyway.

Anyway. Maybe I'm just misremembering what a quaver's like. And also, I will say this, actually. These are both in smaller packs. So sometimes you think maybe you're getting a different type of snack in there. Maybe a smaller thing. But no, that was quaver-sized. Right.

I'm going to get you another... Where's my water? Hand out. It is time for your second cheese snack. It's time for number two. I've cleansed my palate. There we go. This feels more curled up like a proper Wotsit.

Oh. Oh. Oh. That's definitely a sharper cheese flavour on the nose. But is it the quaver? It's very similar. Is it the quaver tank? It's slightly sharper.

It's slightly more intense on the nose. Oh, God. I'm only getting this totally the wrong way around. I'm feeling more confident that this is a real quaver now all right we'll go from the smell oh yeah the texture's better crisper and then more um more body more um presence more cheese time more cheese time yeah let's have a second one but i'm pretty sure um it's just a stronger it does the same things but it's it's almost like It's like a question of volume Paul It's like the volume

Is turned down On that first one It's a quaver Amplitude you mean Yeah So then would you like To go ahead and make your Can I turn my blindfold off now

Yes please do Would you like to make Your thoughts clear I preferred the second one Okay It had a stronger flavour Yeah And a more robust texture

Right To me Tasted much more like a real Quaver. So I think the first one was the Morrison's Knockoff Cheese Curl. And then the other one was the Quaver's. Well, Mr. Silverman, you've knocked it out of the park. That's exactly what the answer was. Now, I will say this. If you're on a budget and you can only afford a smaller pack of six cheese curls,

are they a fine fill-in? Yeah, because I've had one or two while you were eating. If you were really into Quavers, they wouldn't be good enough put it that way no do you agree though there's a definitely a discernible difference between those they are absolutely fine as a crisp snack right as a quavers knockoff however what i like about the quavers the full thing is that it has that snap that first texture is better and that really makes the difference because cheese flavor is stronger and the texture is better and the quaver is just more robust across the board yeah just that interesting in my mouth it's got that crunch yeah ow it's just missing from the

first one did you see how well i discerned that then i throw in a knockoff look oh it's a softer crunch yeah i can tell from the volume but yeah it feels lighter oh i'm pleased with that i'm pleased with that because we're doing a service there. Well, there we go. Yes, they are okay, the cheese curls. I think on a budget, they're absolutely fine to give to kids in a packed lunchbox.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You're not going to get children complaining. But if you're some kind of bitter, old, crisp aficionado, middle-aged, then just stick with Quavers, guys. Don't wade into an argument, mate.

You don't need to. Just love what you love and love it and cherish it. But don't step in someone else's garden and kick up their rosebush. It's funny how they couldn't get that Quaver quality. There must be something about the process. Something in the way walkers work it. Yeah, you fucking should tell that to walkers. Here's your catchphrase.

It's how walkers work it. They're big boys. They can come up with that themselves. Walkers, if you're listening, you can have this one for free. Unless it ends up being a huge thing. No one wants your name for free. Walkers,, work it. They're big boys. They can come up with that themselves. Walkers, if you're listening, you can have this one for free unless it ends up being a huge thing. No one wants your name for free. Walkers, they work it. The way they work it. Work it is such an 80s sort of disco term.

W-E-R-K. Work it. As in twerk? Like queen. Yes, queen. Let's work it. Drag race. Work it, queen.

Walkers, work it. Please. Oh, do they say work it on Drag Queen? Yeah. You've got to work it. With an E. They spell it with an E. At least twerk. It's like twerk, isn't it? Yeah, I it. Please. Oh, do they say work it on Drag Queen? Yeah. You've got to work it. With an E. They spell it with an E. Like twerk.

It's like twerk, isn't it? Yeah, I guess. Okay. Now, I'm sick of you talking about that. Walkers work it. That was off-brand brand-off. Paul always argues for the cheaper item on these bits. No, my point is always to say they're not such a defilement against the original.

They're not such a bad thing. They don't taste bad. But, God, they don't have any of the character. I'm so, I'm proud of myself. The super-tasted moniker is deserved.

Well, I'm glad you are because you've got fuck all else off the humanity, haven't you? So, I'm going to send Eli to the towel mines

at the end of this episode. I'm not going there. You are. So, one needs to fucking go down that mine and do the fucking books and I've been down there

and I've been... Do the books in fucking books. And I've been down there. Do the books in the mine? There's no light down there. How would I do books? You take a torch. Everything conceptually about you. You go down with a canary in a cage, right? Oh, no. Another fucking cliche comes out.

It's fucking deadly down there with the gases that come out from the fabric. The towel gases. The fabric gases that come out. Is it Febreze smell? You chip at the rock and then you see a little thread and you have to pull it. But that can bring a fucking cave in, can't it, if you pull the wrong thread?

So you've got to loom it. You've got to build a loom and then send it up to the fucking handmaidens. Okay. But I need you to check the books. I'll go after you.

Because I need to know how many tons of fucking fabrics. We need those fucking towels done, mate. Okay, Paul. I don't know where we're ever going to go

with this towels thing but let's commit to it until one of us has a better idea. We already did. What's that? Oh, the fish and chips have both died down there. thing, but let's commit to it until one of us has a better idea. We already did. What's that? Oh, the fish and chips have both died down there.

Oh, fuck them. 69 to death. I don't know what they did. I think they were trying to breathe through each other's... I don't know. I don't know. They're dead.

Oh, come on. You go down the mine, mate, it's just nothing but rats eating out the hollowed crisp bags. Yes. Meanwhile, the young crisps are fucking pulling at the threads.

Fucking hell. And then Indiana Jones comes in and rescues them all. Indiana Jones comes in. And he gets the Shankara crisps and he fucking takes them back to the village. Again.

Something like that. Come on. Indiana Jones. Please press the button. Please. All right. That was Cheap Joe for another week

hosted by... Did you fart? No. Mate? No. Mate. No. Mate. There's something... There's a storm coming my way.

I think it's the ghost. We've got to interview the character. The ghost? The new character. He's trying to be on the show. Let me do this. You go get him, and I'll do the admin. So, hello.

That was Cheap Show for another week. If you want to follow us on YouTube, if you want to follow us on social media, if you want to do all of those things and find out where we exist elsewhere online your one-stop shop is thecheapshow.co.uk there's links there for everything there's links to uh the current digitizer level 2 series you can watch that there um you can go to dedicated web pages for each episode to look at pictures and sometimes videos that accompany that episode also maybe you want to send some things into us in our po box by all means do we have a po box it's cheap show po box 1309 harrow h a 1 9 q j and it's also in the metadata for this podcast and go to your podcast app look at the description for this episode you will see the address there

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Yes, what? Is he ready? Bring him in. just sit him down there we've got time we've got time yeah no sit there mate yeah sit down sit him down

sit him down hello sit down what's your name sir well well well funny yeah as I say as I say yeah Hello. Sit down. What's your name, sir? Well, funny. As I say, they call me Wide Travelling Rob. Wide Travelling Rob.

Now, what is your USP, Mr Rob? I'm sorry, what? What do you do? Why are you a wide traveller? Why are you a wide traveller? I'm very widely travelled. But you look quite thin. Well, that's because I strictly only eat water

and those bits on top of carrots. Eli, this is shit, right? This is fucking awful. Yeah, he just sits there. He has nothing and then goes, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm not a big fan. I like carrots. Are you interviewing me? Sorry. I'm talking... That's nothing. I think it's blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I thought that... I'm not a big fan.

I like Gareth. I thought... Are you interviewing me? Sorry. I'm talking to Eli. He's here as well. It's quite rude. You should be interviewing me and listening to me.

All right. Well, I thought... What can you bring to the podcast? What is it you can bring to the show? I have a very wide knowledge of travel. So you've been around the world, have you? I've been to a lot of places. Have you been to Finland?

Not Finland, no. All right. Russia? Anywhere in Russia? Not really. Okay. Have you been to China? Yes.

Okay. Where'd you go in China? I don't know. I was only a small child. Okay. What's your favourite place in the world to go to? Brighton. Brighton?

Why Brighton? I love the chips. Okay. Feed them seagulls. I'm beginning to wonder you're slowly becoming a Mr Biffo character at the moment. Yeah, you see? It's almost exactly like a Biffo thing. Is that it then?

Yeah, but what would you do if, let's just say we need you for an episode, what would you do to bring, like in the past we had like a guy who was an entrepreneur and we had a detective and things like that. What would you do for Cheap Show? i could do a travel segment where i could explain shaking my head by the way i could explain a piece of a travel like a place so let's just say okay okay i'll give you an example so let's say someone sends us something from china and we say oh look here's a chinese doll different one than that because i was a child all right okay well what about we okay we, we went to Brighton

and we bought back a bit of rock. You could tell us more about that. OK. Can I ask if you've been to anywhere else but Brighton? Yes, hundreds. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hundreds of places. Hove.

Right, OK. I can see where this is going. I've been to Hove. You've not actually left Brighton, have you? You've never left Brighton. I live in Brighton. Yeah, so you don't really... I had to come on a train here.

You didn't like it? I've had that. She's trying the bus, mate. Ding, ding. It takes you to Brighton. The segment bus. Can I say what I do for the Brighton? Yeah, go on.

Hello, welcome to my travelling rub's travel bit. Thank God, I've just realised this is fucking Bruce Forsythe. Am I going to die? It's you, fucking Brucey. Get out. Get out. He's fucking demented. He's taking the spoons, Eli.

He's taking your spoons. I'm Kevin Roberts. And that, I guess, is Cheap Show this week. We'll see you next week on the podcast. Goodbye! Goodbye everybody! Fucking, I tell you what, send them to the mines. you