CheapShow - Ep 375: Scared Of Us

Episode Date: March 15, 2024

Sometimes, when Paul and Eli ask a big name to join the podcast, they fully expect the answer to be No. So when comedy legend Robert Popper agrees to appear, the Cheap Chaps are going to have to pull out all the stops to make this episode special. Luckily, Robert has come prepared and he’s brought along with him something sonically demented. It’s been a guilty pleasure of Robert’s for over 30 years and he’s agreed to share it with CheapShow. Prepare your ears for something even Urinevision would reject. What is “Scared of Me”? Who is Clifford? You’ll find out soon enough! Meanwhile, Paul has decided to make this week’s “Price of Shite” extra special for their guest. He’s tailored his cheap treasures around Robert’s career… But Paul may have gotten a bit confused. As if that wasn’t enough, we have another extra special guest who pops up to make for a grand finale! Cor blimey guv’nor! I can’t believe my ears! With Special Guests: Robert Popper & Paul Putner (Spoilers!) See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-375-scared-of-us And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter/X @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid www.thecheapshow.co.uk Now on Threads: @cheapshowpod Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

I bet Eli's personal hygiene is terrible and you're like, yeah. No, it is though. It's not! It is why I said that. I'm only reflecting the truth on a platform that is increasingly lacking in it. How is my personal hygiene bad if I bathe every day and wash my body every day? What are you bathing in and what are you washing in? You can fuck off.

Oh, so I'm going to get it now when he questions you. So when he questions you, it's fine because it's our big guest. Turn the thing on. It's recording. I'm catching all this gold. All of this gold stays in the picture. All of this bronze. It's not even bronze.

At best, it's a copper alloy. At very best. Any more? Any more for what? Anything you want to get off your chest right now? Any more metal pans? Yes, my favourite. How do you get the attention of gold? Hey, you. Not bad. of gold? Hey you Not bad See, thank you

Not bad, I got that Oh, I've got a joke Oh, go on I've got a joke Are we all doing jokes now? It's not that kind of podcast Oh, do you have a joke? Right, no

That is gold And that's our cold open, I think I've forgotten that joke I was only told it this afternoon Do you want to wait while we add the credits in and we can do it? Okay Press the fucking credits I think. I've forgotten that joke. I was only told it this afternoon. Do you want to wait while we add the credits in and we can do it? Okay. Press the Jeep Show.

Sources and words and phrases. Two things I'm responsible for. Chodney. Chodney Borough. I hate you. I've got to be moved with posse. Jeep Show time. It's the Price of Shite Welcome to Cheap Show

Hello, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast where Eli and I go through the bargain bins, the charity shops and pound lands of Great Britain and find the treasure amongst the trash. Hello, Mr Silverman. Hello there. Oh, look, you've got a smile on your face. I like that. It's because you've got a very special guest. Yes. I don't know what... You give me nothing.

It's like... It's hard to give you anything. What do you mean it's hard to give you anything? I'm giveable too. Are you? Yes, I receive. It's hard to give you anything What do you mean it's hard to give you anything? I'm giveable too Are you? Yes I receive No, no, it's going well It's going really well

Shitty stick Is that your goal joke? Just introduce the guest, mate Alright, hello So we are First of all, we are in the surroundings of the pseudo-tudo Studio Soho studio

Hey! Pseudo-tudo studio Pseudo-tudo... Studio. Soho studio. Hey! Pseudo-tudo studio. Pseudo-tudo studio. The worst Phil Collins song he ever released. And we are here today because we have a very special guest. He's a singer, dancer, actor, writer, ventriloquist, goat milker, and comedy starlet himself. Why, in the studio we have Mr Robertbert popper welcome to cheap show thank you

very much what a what an intro that is definitely um that's the first up one yeah yeah oh i think you've got the legs of a dancer if you don't mind me saying i have i have have you ever felt the need to no i my wife does a good dance where she she does a dance she doesn't like to do it a lot but if i say please do your dance if we're out, where she dances, she looks like she's really good dancing and then she purposely just moves out of time all the time. It looks convincing, but then it's just slightly off. It's brilliant.

It's very avant-garde. We sometimes do a dance in the kitchen where suddenly I'll turn around, you have to picture it, and I'm just dancing, but facing her from my back. Like, she's just facing my back the whole time. My other favourite dance is standing right up to the wall,

really close, like, literally one millimetre away, and dancing really, like, as if I'm dancing with someone back at the wall, and people don't like that. They go, stop that, please, stop that. Well, we've learnt too much there, but thank you for sharing. I was at a party that John Simm attached. John Simm? Who's John Simm? John Simm.

The actor. The actor John Simm. John Simm. Life on Mars, the master, John Simm. How difficult his name was to say. It's deceptively difficult. John Simm is really hard. No, I love John Simm's work.

Is this the Brazilian guy, John Simm? No. And anyway, there were a lot of people who were high on cocaine and there was a mirror, like a full-length mirror, at the top of these stairs in the studio where the party was. And everyone, I saw several people walk up to that landing and look at themselves and sort of go... That was me.

Make love to themselves. That was him dancing, yeah. That's what it made me think of when you said you're up against the wall. That was me. It's the whole thing about mirrors in discotheques, isn't it? They're there to suggest larger size of space. And indeed, when I used to work in the bar on Hanway Street, now it's Murder Incorporated, I believe,

the cocktail bar. To be fair, it was probably that before. What was that? All I know down that little road, there's the little Spanish bar? It's the one right next to it. Right, okay. And there used to be sort of a

late night disco sort of bar disco is very driving is it like a dregsy bar it was extremely dregsy extremely dregsy

you didn't know where the dance floor ended and the toilet began the toilet there was an absolute nightmare but it was you know it was my thing

I did it every month I think for years you did what go to the toilet DJ'd down there oh you DJ'd down there you Oh, you DJ down there. You missed that bit out. Yeah.

We missed many evenings we spent there lamenting our existence. The guy who ran it was called Jason, the Jason the Mod, basically. He was a big mod. He looked like every member of the jam. To the point, he did. He did. Even Bruce Foxton. Even Bruce Foxton.

Why? Is he the ugly one in the jam? He just had a specific look, didn't he? I mean, it's quite hard to... He had an angle. ...actually replicate that. Yeah, a very specific angle. Great name as well.

Paul Weller. Anyway. I've just got allergic to him, I think, now. You have a thing about... I've developed an allergy to him. Because? Huh? Because.

Yeah, why? Because he's the Modfather. I don't think he calls himself that, though, does he? I bet he fucking does. You think he goes around and says, everyone, it's me, the Modfather. I don't think he calls himself that, though, does he? I bet he fucking does. You think he goes around and says, everyone, it's me, the Modfather. I bet he gets up in the morning, how's the Modfather doing?

He says to himself, oh, Modfather wants a cup of tea. How far distant is he from himself at this point? He's the type of person who refers to himself in the third person as the Modfather. But in this club on Hanway Street next to Bradley's Spanish Bar, they had this mirror, big, full, again, full length,

to make it look like a larger space. But it did its job too well. And countless times I saw people walk into the bar and literally walk into the mirror as if there was another space, you know, in the reflection. It didn't help that it was built into an archway as well. It was built into an archway, that's right. So it looked like a magical door to another area.

A trompe l'oeil. I can't pronounce that word, but trompe roy. It's all right, you can't do John Sims. I'm trompe trompe trompe. I love him. Trompe roy. Trompe roy. Trompe roy.

Hey, it could be an artist. It could be an artist. Is this one of our new character things that we're auditioning? It could be a comic book about an artist who is a superhero and his superpower is trompe l'oeils. Yeah. And walking into mirrors in rooms designed to create the trompe l'oeil effect. Perhaps he can go in.

Oh, yeah. I thought trompe l'oeil was when you did, like, a picture and it was made to look 3D by the use of shadow. I think so. Or, like, yeah, like a painting of a beautiful garden in your house and you, oh, I'm going to go in the garden and then bang. Like Roadrunner, essentially, when he paints the tunnel.

My favourite cartoon. Is it? Yeah. I mean, he doesn't paint them, if you want me to be specific about it. It's always Wile E. Coyote who will paint the tunnel, whereas Roadrunner would pass through it.

Sorry, yes. Poor old Wile E. will end up with a teeth mess. A teeth mess. Sorry. There's my one for the day. That's what your dentist says to you. It's another teeth mess. You have no idea. What your dentist says? No. Dirt talks dirty, does he? Yeah, my dentist. G teeth mess. Sorry. That's what your dentist says to you. It's another teeth mess. You have no idea.

What your dentist says. No. Talks dirty does he? Yeah, my dentist. Gases you. Right. Okay, so I'm going to pause you here and wonder where you want to go with this next part. I don't know where we're going with the whole podcast. Well, I'll tell you. We're going to take a little quick break now. When we come back Robert Popper's got a little surprise for us

and we're going to talk about it in great depth. Depth. Yeah, I do. You do? He does. It's true. Robert Popper's got a little surprise for us, and we're going to talk about it in great depth. Depth. Yeah, I do. You do? He does. It's true. Let's crack on.

Everyone loves it. I can't have a catchphrase, let's crack on. You see it on T-shirts now everywhere. Let's crack on. Actually, yeah, if anyone's listening to this and they want to make a let's crack on T-shirt, please do. Let's crack one off. That's for the back. Yes off that's for the back yes that's for the back yeah see someone who understands me understands not necessarily appreciate yeah understands i've been with you for how long have we worked together now like 15 16 17 18 19 20 years i don't know it's been a long

time somewhere in that range it's been a long time. It's somewhere in that range. It's been a long time. And I don't even know you. I don't even know the myth that is Eli Silverman. The core, the beating dark core of your soul. Good, good. Yeah, good, Paul. Right, so, Robert Popper,

thank you for coming along to the podcast. You're welcome. I enjoyed it very much. Thank you very much. We really appreciate the comments. There will be a form for you to fill in afterwards. If you could just fill that in, four stars. Tell people how we work.

Three stars, fine. Three is good. I've seen that on a poster somewhere for, I think it was a comedy show. I don't think it was ironic. And there's a few four stars and they had a few three stars. I just thought you didn't need the three stars. No, it dilutes the four stars, doesn't it?

Four stars, great. Lovely, nice. Four stars, three. I mean, sometimes I think they go one star, one star, if they're, doesn't it? Four stars, great. Lovely, nice four star three. I mean, sometimes I think they go one star, one star, if they're sort of selling it. Oh, yeah. I didn't know this was becoming a comedy review podcast. Anyway, but I was reading the review,

and he's like, everything's about poo, bum, willies. I hated it. He's going to hate it. I like it. You like that. And I'm like, yeah, that's what we're like. No, no, not what we're like. It's what we have got.

It's all we have. All we have is poo. It's all we do is poo. So, no, no. Not what we're like. It's what we have got. It's all we have. All we have is poo. It's all we who. All we do is poo. So, no. Yes. I suggested to you to bring something along that was cheap, but means a lot to you, maybe something weird.

And you sent me a link to an album to download. Yeah, I did. Please now give us the context of what it was, who sent it, and why the hell you share this filth with others. In that order. After I cough. Right. When I was at university, Manchester, my friends, one of my friends,

came in one day really excited with a tape cassette, that thing that existed then, that he had a cousin whose name was Clifford. He was 13 and had made his own album in his bedroom. He had a drum kit. He had a, I think his parents had a 4--chat recorder and he had a little synth the organ thing and he just made an album for himself and my cousin was there and he played this boy clifford played the family the album the unveiling the album and he said this is the best stroke definitely worst album ever made and the boy's voice it sounds like a like a very old demented man i'm so amazed and yeah because i've heard it we've listened yeah okay it's amazing

isn't it yeah yeah it's amazing it's something so the album was called scared of me and there are a few standout tracks i mean the first one jumping horses is a complete i mean that's a classic he puts the banger at the beginning i mean it is but there's a banger at the end there's bangers everywhere yes and it's like chitty chitty bang bang it is it is it's so brilliant anyway we listen to that all the time and then i started handing out tapes to people and it spread and when i produce peep show when i recut when I was editing we'd have a viewing once with Channel 4 for a joke I recut the

you know the title music da da da da da da da to like Jumping Horse so Sam and Jesse knew the joke Channel 4 didn't know the joke like what is this

which was fun and this was for a rough a rough cut this is just to show you know you know they come in they come in the Channel 4,

the Channel 4, Channel 4, come in and watch and give you notes. So, it didn't make the broadcast. No, unfortunately, I didn't do a Chris Morris and hand it in one second before. Is that what Chris Morris does?

Yeah, he's the right bastard with that kind of stuff. Oh, he's brilliant. He's a legend at that. Some of that genius wouldn't be known to us if that wasn't the way he did it, right? As someone who currently works

for BBC local radio that shit would definitely not fly anymore because you listen back to his old stuff and it was like turning a dead presenter's throat

into a flute to play and things like that anyway sorry and what else can I say about this brilliant album my cousin do you remember the band the Sundays

yes so my cousin was the guitarist David and him and his wife Harry was the singer they even they put a little reference,

because there's a song on the album called No Cinema around here, which is very depressing and bleak, but funny. I think that is magnum opus, though. Do you? I will say that is the linchpin to the album, I think. It's in the middle. It's a midpoint. Anyway, so they use a line from that rework in one

of their albums, yeah. Is it well known at all, then? No, it's not well known i mean amazing people know amazing i yeah some comedy people know it um and what became of well well i mean i i met him years ago he was just like a normal bloke because yeah oh yeah that album yeah yeah i remember that yeah i was like oh please be weirder but he wasn't that weird but he i mean he must have been weird because

you were going to play a clip because it would be people listening go alright well are you going to play no we're not going to play it no no no we're definitely playing in fact we're going to play

the opening track it is Jumping Horses Jumping Horses at this junction Jumping horses They're jumping horses Jumping horses. Jumping horses.

Jumping horses. Jumping horses. They're jumping in the fields They're dancing in the night They're jumping on the hills They're jumping outside They're jumping horses They're jumping horses. Jumping horses. Dancing through the trees.

Jumping, jumping in the hay. Chasing all the bees. They're jumping every day. Jumping horses Jumping horses They'll never go away They'll never go away They're jumping in, jumping in Jumping everywhere Jumping in, jumping in, jumping everywhere

Jumping horses Jumping in, jumping everywhere The jumping horses Junk, junk, chur Shut up Junction works fine if we're talking rails I mean, it's very much located The whole album has a concept feel because you get a feel for his life

and where the cinema used to be. Oh, yeah. Do you know what? It's strange because it feels like outsider art. Yeah, that's, I think, why people just dug it. They liked it. Have you ever heard of the Shags? Yeah.

Was that a 60s band? They were a 60s band who allegedly or apparently grew up 1860s band maybe they grew up never listening to music but then went and made an album based on having no inspiration i don't know if i heard that but that sounds good what's it sound like it's terrible it's like folk rock pop old music new music it's like new instruments to play old kind of songs they don't really harmonize but is it not are they non-musicians though to play old kind of songs. They don't really harmonise, but... Are they non-musicians, though? No, they taught themselves. I think it was like a kind of demented Osmonds,

where they were hermetically sealed in a bubble of some kind, and then just decided to release an album. They released a few, but it was one of those albums where, for instance, in the 90s, Kurt Cobain was like, this is one of my favourite albums of all time. And then the sales of it went up. When I was listening to the Clifford album,

I thought, this must be an inspiration to people. I tried to get it released, but it didn't happen. I mean, I think it would be a collector's item. It was. Absolutely. That needs a vinyl press, man. It's amazing. If there's anyone listening that wants to do that,

I'm sure we can find a way. A vinyl pressing of that would be delicious. And it would sell at least 50 copies. On that, I don't know what machine he was using, what keyboard. I don't know. But there was a compilation album that I came across a few years back, which was sort of bedroom funk and soul. Oh, yeah.

Basically, those four-track machines and cheaper synthesizers only started to come onto the market midway through the 70s, really. Okay. And that's when you started to get people making music in their bedrooms and a lot of the tracks on that compilation have a very similar feel and sound to the clifford and it's that haunting out of tune sort of casio keyboard yeah it just sounds like someone has dropped maggots on the keyboard basically it's great and it's and that's why i thought there is beauty in the ugliness of it all. Absolutely.

But I thought this must have been an influence on someone like Apex Twin or something like that for example. I don't know. I don't reckon he's heard that.

No. But there is a haunting I'm sure he would like that. Haunting almost sort of broken down machinery vibe. What's it?

My mother is dead. My father is dead. My brother is dead. My sister is dead. My grandma is dead. My grandma is dead. My brother is dead. My sister is dead. My grandma's dead. My grandpa's dead. And my pets are dead. It goes on.

The other thing that sort of dates it is the reference to J.R. Hartley. That's what I'm looking. He goes, I'm looking for a book. What's it? Do you have it? Fly Fishing. It is my lot. Yeah, Fly Fishing by J.R. Hartley.

He sounds, yeah. I mean, it's really hard to do his book. I mean, it's sort of like that, isn't it? Well, I was going to say, there must have been... I'm going to get the character name wrong now because my memory's like a sieve, but the character you did on Down the Line, Brawl? Brawl spoke like this.

There is an element of that that must have... I suppose there is, but he wouldn't have known it, of course. Of course, at the time. How could he? Did you do any of the voices? I beg your pardon? Yes. He's been listening to Down the Line.

He's got all of it downloaded. You still need to send me that. I did a variety. Yeah, he did a variety. I did one that I used to do because I do a lot of prank calls. But I used to do this voice. Everyone hated it. I'd do it too, which was a person whose accent,

I can't really do accents, it changes every five seconds. And I used to do that as proper phone calls but it would be it's quite remarkable I suppose what we want in real life and it just changes

all the fucking time as horrible I did one of those on the show which was I mean the other thing was I had a thought in my head listening to this album

and once it came in I couldn't shift in it changed the album completely for me because it sounds like Zippy at times from Rainbow it does

that's who it does sound like. When Zippy kicks in, you start to think, is this a pained passion project from the Rainbow universe? Alternative reality where he decided to put out an album. I remember asking Clifford, you know, why did you sing that?

And I said, oh, all his answers are really like, oh, not what you want to get. I said, no, I can't remember really.

Yeah, I just did it. But can't you have any photos from the time? No. Nothing. Do you have any photos of your equipment? Just nothing. Are you singing?

No. Which maybe in a way makes it better. Just a complete mystery. I think even to him. Because you've held on to this for years. You've been sharing it with people all over the world, sharing it with us here today. I haven't put it online yet,

so this will be the first time yet. True. But then the guy who made it was like, I don't know yeah it's fine kids stuff innit the jumping horses is actually genius though

oh no it is yeah yeah yeah they're eating all the hay they're causing destruction they're eating all the hay that's when I'm won over they're eating all the hay

I was fond of Mr Perkins because for some reason it reminded me of like a kind of B-side to a blur album from the early kind of modern life is rubbish kind of era. The other thing, we have an infrequent song competition that we run on this podcast. The Eurovision Song Contest. Which we're not doing this year because I don't want to stroke. The winner.

You're obsessed. Because I do all the work and you turn up and go, oh, that was shit. And I was like, mate, I did 90% of everything. Why? That's why it's stressful for me to do your envision. Oh, right. I'm just saying you're obsessed with having a stroke.

People having a stroke. No, I wasn't saying... This runs in my family. I'm very concerned about it. And I don't know when lightning will strike me. Well, stop smoking. Pardon me. Stop smoking.

I am not taking health advice from you ever, ever. Doctors smoke, and they know the health advice. A doctor who smokes 40 a day could still tell you you're unhealthy. A scientist who believes in quantum theory can still go to speak to God on a Sunday, can't they? Exactly. Well, people are inconsistent, aren't they?

It's just stroke this, stroke that. Whenever anyone mumbles having a stroke, anything that fucks up having a stroke, it's your fucking go-to back pocket condition, having a fucking stroke. Fine. Brain aneurysm will be the thing I do this year instead. All right, that's just as likely.

Aneurysm. Happens to my grandad. Stroke. I think that beats stroke. Aneurysm beats stroke. I don't know if there's a hierarchy to instant death. It's just a good word, isn't likely. Aneurysm. Happens to my grandad. I think that beats stroke. I think that beats stroke. Aneurysm beats stroke. I don't know if there's a hierarchy to instant death. It's just a good word, isn't it? Aneurysm.

Yeah. Also a great name for a punk band. Yeah, there probably is one. Or a Netflix drama. I got the best name for a punk band, like Truth Decay. Oh, that is a good one. Like a sixth form band. Yeah, angsty.

So I don't know what you're going to do with it in the future. Maybe it'll escape into the universe at some point. We just don't know. We i don't know what you're going to do with it in the future maybe it'll escape into the universe at some point we just don't we just don't right now it's a cozy little in joke show between us and our fine listeners today but i want to put uh the other track in that you recommended adoro yeah i think that's maybe as a preset on the on the on the on the keyboard it sounds like it's a preset it's sort of lovely it's all about all everything he adores Adoro Adoro Adoro

What is it that I adore? Is it trees or birds or mountains? What is it that I adore? Is it cars, is it planes or is it food? Maybe, maybe I love music But also I love to see the sunset What is it that I adore? Is it beautiful women, or boats, or bridges?

I just don't know what I like the best, what I like the best. Adoro, adoro I do not know what I like the best I like the best Adoro, adoro Adoro, adoro I just don't know her. And it's just, I say, what do I adore? I think, as is it, beautiful women.

Yeah. All boats, all bridges. There's shades of Nat King Cole to it. You know, there's shades of, I mean, there's shames as well, but there's shades of, like, genuine love for things. It's just filtered through this angry character much older than the guy yeah but this is probably the the softest song on it you know the one with a bit of heart isn't it but he also says he just doesn't know what he likes the best

because it's got shades of john shuttleworth in there as well it's got a bit of like that kind of comic strip vibe the early comic strips live shows that that kind of you know 20th century coyote kind of thing going on. It's brilliant. But you know what it reminded me of? And we were talking about this when we spoke to Brian last year. Have you ever heard of Uncle Donkey? Who? Uncle Donkey.

Okay. No. Let me see if I can find this. So this is another one of those examples of someone who has a passion for an art. Who's Uncle Donkey? Uncle Donkey? Donkey. D-U-N-K-I-E.

Unky Donkey. Oh, okay. And Unky Donkey, a bit like Clifford, just had a passion and he wanted to make his own album. So he decided to make his own live... Was he like 13? No, he was a 60-year-old butcher from Queens in the 60s, I think 60s or 70s in America. Yes. And he decides to release his own stand-up album.

It's famously, again, a famous outsider. I'm going to play you a clip of it now. I'll edit it in, but I'm going to play you a clip because it's nightmarish. Because this guy is going for all the beats of being a stand-up, except he's laid it with I obviously want this. It's Wednesday night, garbage night, and Mortimer Quirk, my clerk, is on the phone for an hour and a half talking to his girlfriend, Vicky.

They just had another fight. Otherwise, they would be talking in the hallway. More or less. Less. She takes advantage of that poor kid's something terrible. He's a real good kid Considering nowadays If there is such a thing I mean, he's so good Sometimes I can't figure out What he's good for I know what she's good for She treats him miserably

But he don't know that He's miserably in love, and it's making me miserable, and I ain't even in love. She's too smart for him and herself. A real bitch, a bitch on wheels, and she don't need no roller skates either. Mortimer thinks the world is on the level. I don't know, maybe the world is on the level. It's the people in it who are unbalanced. Like this cuckoo boy, Gorka. A real winner, if you know what I mean. Cuckoo. And right now, Mortimer is a real loser, if you know what I mean.

He's very brave. Has he got a beat playing in his head? I think so. Oh. And he's put all the sound effects in, all the audience. The laughter is non-stop through the whole album. Oh, I want that. I definitely need that.

I mean, it's only a taster, but once you get into the meat of it... Do you know Captain Maurice Seddon? No. Oh, well. Is this another outsider? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it is. They're all outsiders.

So for all listeners, the Seddon tapes, S-E-D-D-O-N, volume one by Captain Maurice Seddon. It's on Bandcamp. And from memory, it's a real eccentric who also spoke German. And he recorded all his phone calls. They weren't prank calls. And he lost his temper all the time. And his sister hates him.

There's a fantastic conversation between him and his sister who hates him. And he's an incredible eccentric. And he recorded all his phone calls. I don't know where this project came from, how they got the phone calls. But it is a work of art. And it is a brilliant setting. We could go on because I could talk about the Rainbow Tapes with Rainbow George. No, I don't know them.

Oh, okay. So Rainbow George was a guy who lived in Highgate and was best friends, quote unquote, with Peter Cook and they lived next door to each other. And when Peter Cook came over, he would just flip on a recording device and he would just capture... Who? Peter Cook would record it. No, no.

Rainbow George would record what was happening in his flat and Peter Cook would come in and espouse whatever he wanted to to anyone who was there. Oh, I want that as well. Yeah, absolutely. I've uploaded, so we're just talking geekery now. But my cousin i'm mentioning game when they were assigned to emi emi at the end of one year gave them uh they took

all their artists a tape of all the worst demos they've been sent and i've got that online on youtube and there is absolutely that there's the best version of um nothing compares to you oh dear worst version you've ever heard. He sounds like he works in the city. Quite an older man who used to work in the city. Very, very straight, singing this song like that. Nothing compares. He goes, nothing compares to you.

Have you seen James Corden doing it, though, when he guested? He was called onto stage by Coldplay. Coldplay are doing a gig. Are you actually singing the worst thing in the world right now? Is he singing it straight? Yes. Does he cry?

And he's really giving it some. I bet he cries. He's giving it some. He's giving it like his, you know, it's the most painfully insincere. Was it in a car? No. No. It was a Coldplay gig

and they're like, oh, we've got a special... There's nothing special about... There's nothing special about... I'd be like, I want my money back. I paid to see Coldplay, not...

I want any money I spent on it. Did they call him on stage to play with them? That is... To sing Nothing Compares To You and he gives it a really... I need to watch that one. And 15 days...

He goes like that... You know what I mean? He gives it a real... He really gives it the old... It'd be good to see the video recreated with him doing it. That still face. And people all around the world just punching their TV screens on their family. And it's a tear of blood that goes down.

What about this for a band name? Disco. Disco band. Yeah. Clunge Trawlers De Creme. To me, that sounds too European. My friend's got the best Pretenders tribute band, Hindquarters. Yeah, it's pretty good.

Right, so shall we move on and play The Price is Shy to you? I want more for my band name from you. Clowns Trawler de Creme. I've got nothing. It's fine. It sounds slightly European. That's why they're Euro Disco. Euro Creme.

Exactly. Oh, Euro Creme. Beautiful. Let's play The Price is Shy. I turn the recording on when I know you're being naughty Turn your phone off What's more important Than this conversation

With Robert Popper right now You still looking at your phone right now What's going on Nothing Something's going to happen What's going on What mischief are you up to What are you doing

Clutching your pearls like me nan You're just doing this Clutching my pearls You're clutching It looks like you're clutching your pearls I haven't got pearls on Can we crack on With The Price of Sh thank you. You're clutching... It looks like you're clutching your pearls like a maniering dog. I haven't got pearls on. Can we crack on with the price of shite, please? Yes. We have to do...

You're leading with the theme tune, and I'm going to end it with the phrase. Okay. Ready? Go on. Three... No. I'll count you in. I'll try and do it in the Clifford voice. Alright. Okay, yeah. Please do. Three, two, one. Oh, it's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite.

It's the fucking price of shite. Oh, it's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. Oh, it's the fucking price of shite. That's right. Yeah, you were too northern. I was too northern as well. You were too northern. I was the northern version. To be fair, Clifford did also sound like me doing an impression of you singing like Zippy.

Right, so what we do on the price of shite is that we bring a few items along and you just have to simply simply guess the price of the shite we've brought and you'll be playing against Eli today for betwings now because Eli

who's an expert he is the long standing expert here he is the Apollo Creed of tat I like to think I'm the Paul Weller

of this what are you the Paul Weller of the crap father I'm the tat father thank you yeah you win write that down for the title of this week's episode put a dot on it right so What are you the Paul Weller of? The crap father. I'm the tat father. Thank you.

Write that down for the title of this week's episode. Put a dot in it. Right, so what we thought we'd do as well. Put a dot in it. Can we just please move on? In the middle of the F. Where are you putting the dot? Your mouth garbage.

That's a fucking umlaut. I'll put it wherever I like. Paul, are you having a stroke? I'm not having an aneurysm. An aneurysm, not an amurysm. An analism. Oh, that's one of them. Right.

Eli, would you like to explain the points and rules to this? Right. Are we going to play the standard rules? Standard rules today. Although, actually, because these are more expensive items that were sourced from online. We're going to go 50p over the way. As well as charity. We'll do 50p. We'll do 50p.

Points in this game are known as betwings. Betwings, yep. Betwings are points. points are betwings. One point equals one betwing. It's very simple. It's very simple. Oh, I don't have a stroke. He's getting his medication.

One day I hope I die recording this. I know you do! I know you hope you die from a stroke. God! During the recording, for two reasons. One, the shock value, the attention, and then you'll have to edit an episode for once. Continue with the points.

In turn, we'll take turns to guess the prices of these items. Yeah. If you manage to guess the exact price of an item... Which I won't. Sometimes it happens. Sometimes it happens. Sometimes it happens more often than you'd think. Knock yourself down, mate.

Yeah. There you get two betwings for that. Oh, nice. Double betwings. Double betwings. And then, if you're in a 50p window, either way of the price... Above or below. Like, for instance, let's say the price is 50p.

That's either way. You say nothing. Or I say a pound. Or a pound. Then that's 25. Either way. Either 50p. The phrase either way...

Either way. Above or below the actual price. No, but you don't need the above or below. That's a tautology. I'd like to clarify. Above is also valid. Also, who's explaining the fucking rules? Who is?

And is that one between? Yes. It's one between. It's one between. Right. There we are. Now I'm ready. And then we're on the board.

No extra betwings to be had this time. Sometimes there's an overall betwing score. I'll tell you what. I can throw in a Brucey bonus. Bonus betwing. Right. How about this? One item in these is a bit of an odd duck,

a bit of the odd one out, a bit of a kind of, oh, that's a bit unusual, that stands out. If you can spot the standout item, two per twings. All right. All right? Well, I just have to say that's the standout one. Yeah, that doesn't make sense.

No, once you've seen all of them, you can then go, that one's the standout one. That one is out of place. I'm excited. All right? I've seen some of these, and that's an easy two per twings. Yeah, yeah. And also, what we thought we'd do is... It's seen some of these and that's an easy two-per-twice. Yeah, yeah. And also,

what we thought we'd do is... It's an actual horse's head that's just been recently severed and that's just... And just placed on the bed delicately, erotically. It's not that one.

What bed? A metaphorical bed. You're getting it from the Godfather, aren't you? I never saw it. As soon as he says horse's head, you thought Godfather.

What else? You've never seen it. You haven't seen the Godfather? I haven't seen Godfather. You haven't seen the Godfather? No, I haven't seen... Fuck off! I also haven't seen... I don't know haven't seen Godfather. You haven't seen The Godfather? No, I haven't seen... Fuck off! I also haven't seen, I don't know, The Ten Commandments.

I haven't seen... That's nothing! I haven't seen The Magnificent Abbersons. I haven't seen Alien 3. There's no comparison. There's loads of films I've never seen. No, there isn't, actually. None of those films.

When you watch it, you know what you'll say. You'll say, oh, that was good. Bloody hell. Yeah. That's what you'll say. I can say that now. And everyone will go, yeah, of course it is. It's The Godfather. It's the Godfather.

It's the Godfather. I've seen two. And if you ask me, you don't need to see one once you've seen two, do you? You are God. It does a lot of the heavy lifting. The whole time travel stuff. The sci-fi stuff that's in it is really good. I like the parallel universes.

In two. In one, in the time travel. Or the flashbacks of the time travel. Yeah. When they go back 400 years, do you remember? When Robert De Niro goes, Marty, you've got to come back to the future. The Mafia is going to go bad. Something like that.

Yeah, you don't really need to see the first one. No, you don't. You can skip it. Right, where's your crap then? Right, yeah. Jesus, thank you. I've also tailored these items around your career. I found items that represent

the certain things you've done in your career. How nice. How thoughtful. And I wondered if you would, maybe you'll go, oh, I remember that. I remember that. So here's some of the merch. Let's start with item number one. Here we go.

Who's guessing the prize first? Are you going to write it down? I haven't got a pen. You're so useless with this. Do you want a pen? I don't have a pen. Do you have a pen? Of course I flipping well do.

Do you want a pen? Do you want a pen? Do you want Sharpie Fine Line? Fine Line. Or Permanent Fine? Not Permanent. This is beautiful. This is a ballpoint and this has got a real smooth action.

I don't do ballpoints. It's got a lovely... You will love this. It's got a lovely smooth action. All right, go on. Have you seen these ones? Yeah, they're so good. Stop talking about...

That's yours now. Right, okay. Right. P.E. I've only got... I forgot my shorts right shut up shut up here's the first item the gooch on these undies oh look at this oh look at this you can have a little look at that what's that oh that is a zig and zag book the killer original annual from outer space yeah that's pretty cool that isn't it yeah it's cool a little birdie told me that back in the day you

wrote material for i did write some material for Zig and Zag. I did write some material for Zig and Zag. And also, on Zig and Zag on The Big Breakfast, I met... Who did I meet? I was a big Wu-Tang Clan fan then. Obviously, why wouldn't you be? Of course.

And I met Old Dirty Bastard. You met Old Dirty Bastard? Yeah, and he came on. Really? Yeah. And I had a photo of him and lost it. Ooh. I mean ooh I mean

I mean AI with Zig and Zag how was how was ODB in person I mean to be honest he was like off his

drug addles he was hugely drug addles he was blowing his nose the whole time and his eyes were watering he's peculiar off on a natural he liked me

because I said I like your music oh yeah as if do you and I went yeah I love the track Snakes. And he went, oh, Snakes. Snakes is like a quite obscure one.

So I was in there. And then I got a photo. From his solo stuff? Yeah, Snakes. So you dropped the kind of deep cut. I did. To show how you. And then I got a photo with him, which I lost.

He was probably off on a natural charge bon voyage. Exactly. It was the same night I met Lee Scratch Perrin. Perrin. Nice. Lee Scratch Perrin. I nearly said Perrin, I know Wait, wait, wait

I forgot Method Man was there as well He's a great rapper He was cool Thanks for moving that on He was more together, was he? He was together, yeah I mean, ODB was He was brilliant

He was a real genius rapper Real genius He kind of liked the ladies a bit too much It was definitely a vibe in the room when the ladies went in. It was one of those things, because you hear about Biggie Smalls, for example, and he has this whole persona when he raps. He sort of tells these stories of, like, crying. Yeah, he was brilliant.

But he wasn't really like that. He wasn't a gangster in real life. He was a choir master. He wasn't a choir master, but he wasn't. He was. No, he was. Oh, he was? Yeah, he was. Oh, he was? Yeah, he was.

All right. Well, literally what? I've got to say, how much he's... But with ODB, just to finish this point, ODB, he seemed to be living it, you know.

He was definitely living it all the time. Well, that's the only reason why I brought up Lee Scratch because when I was... Lee Scratch. Because we're familiar. I'm afraid now

of saying his surname. He came to the company I was working at the time and he was, the whole time he was there in another place. Oh, nice. Mentally just clouded. He's the kind of George Clinton of dub, wasn that he came to the company I was working at the time, and he was, the whole time he was there, in another place. Oh, nice. Mentally, just clouded.

He's the kind of George Clinton of dub, wasn't he? Yeah, pretty much. Right, so how much is the Zig and Zag annual with its witty cartoons and stuff? I'm going to say exactly two pounds. Two pounds. Where did you get it from? Oh, the expert questions. This one I got from a Muscle Hill charity shop.

I can't remember which, but I think it was mine. So it was a secondhand charity shop item. This one was, yes, it was. I bid too much, but go on. You'll go now. Now we're going to 50p either way, are we? Yes. For the points. Yes, I'm not giving you a ceiling. What are they, Dragnuts? What is it again? Dragnuts. Dragnuts. What is it you get? Per Twings. I'd like them to be

Dragnuts this week. You can't change it just because he says it. I want that. Make Dragnuts a different thing. Per Twings. What do you reckon? I think, I'm going to say £1.50 to play. You know, I think you might be right. It looks like a £1.50 thing. I mean, it was £4.99 originally. And, you know,

I presume you didn't write anything for that. Oh, no, I didn't know about that. They're still making annuals. I saw like a Family Guy annual. I thought you were going to say Zig and Zag annuals. They might be. They're still active online, Zig and Zag. You know, what differentiated Zig from Zag character-wise? That be. They're still active online, Zig and Zag. You know what? What differentiated

Zig from Zag character-wise? That was Zig, wasn't it? I can't even remember which was which. Well, he was the one... I was only there three months. He was the one

that spoke like this, I think. That's pretty good. And the other one was more like, hey, hey, hey, hey, that one. That was a pretty good impression.

It's not bad. I'd actually say that was good. That was a 7 out of 10. I think basically the Zig was the kind of down-to-earth cool one and Zag was the geeky hyperactive one. I literally can't remember. Okay.

But go on. Can we move on to item number two? I said 150. I've written it down. Oh, right. We're doing them in. Yep. We're going to do it one at a time.

I need to guess first for this. Yeah. You do need to. Right. Next one. Here we go. Scrabble, scrabble, scrabble. Right, next one.

There you go. What's that? Another. I mean, I worked there for maybe two, three months. It's another Zig and Zag. This is brilliant. Single. What's it called?

Them Girls. And it's a banger. I know novelty songs because we love our novelty songs on this podcast. Was it kind of ragga? Yes. Yes. Very much in this sort of ragga. Dub. Not dub. No, it kind of ragga? Yes. Very much in the sort of ragga... Dub. Not dub.

No, it was a... Ragga commercial dance. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was very much a mix with the ragga vocal, but the beat being very much like SL2, you know, SL2 or what was that one? Me Like To... I Like To Move It.

Yeah, it was more that one. The Venga Boys. It was a bit ofenga boys Out there brothers Yeah Out there brothers Yeah Oh god Right okay Bye. You're guessing first. Yeah, you're guessing first. Yeah, you're guessing first.

Now, they also released a second single, didn't they? Is that your next thing? No. Don't be ridiculous. I hope it is. Foolish. I actually think the production's really good on this record. It is.

The way it goes, boom. Boom, the crowd go boom. They shake it, they wreck it, the room go boom. Wow, you really remember that. Doesn't it? It's got a big sound. Yeah. And also, it reminds me of that advert where they go,

cheese strings to girls, them a want. It was a cheese strings ad. Well, I'm going to gather, yeah. Just based on the clues you dropped. It reminds me of that cheese strings advert music. Yeah. Dema girls, dema girls. That's the cheese strings, dema girls, dema want.

We can move on. How much is it? How much is the single? What's this? Where was this purchased? I don't know. Actually, you got this one and gave it to me, so actually you should know the answer to this.

Yeah, you should remember that. Okay, I'm going to say... Whatever you say is going to be the right answer. Where was it purchased? Do you not remember? Oh, no. I mean, honestly, I buy about 18 seven-inch singles every week on average. His flat is a fire hazard.

It's genuinely a problem. What about my ball sack? How dirty is it, Paul? Dragnuts, mate. Absolute dragnuts. What, there's bits of fluff off the carpet? A bit of the welcome from the word welcome on the welcome mat has caught itself upon you, so now the balls just say well.

I don't know. Back to your bronze again. Yeah. Tin. Caparalli. Caparalli. Caparalli? Yeah. Right, I'm going to say 50p in that case. 50p? And that's the right answer. Well, you bought it. You would know.

That doesn't count, surely. Well, if you match them, you both get a between. I mean, you know it was 50p. Do you know it was 50p? He's just admitted, though. He's admitted that whatever I say is going to be the answer. So you can get a between. I mean, I would say I'm going to say 49p.

You can get two betwings. You've just, you're assuming. Should I be saying 50p? Yes. Okay, I'm going to say 50p. Yeah, the problem is I have now written say 49p. You can get two betwings. You've just... Should I be saying 50p? Yes. Okay, I'm going to say 50p. Yeah, the problem is I have now written down 49p. Well, you don't remember. It might have been 49p.

It could be. I mean, we don't know. He doesn't know, but the point is I'm saying he doesn't know. He's just going to take it from me. Actually, I'm going to change mine to 49p. That is how magnanimous I am. I'm going to go back to 50p. You can, you can.

I've written it down. You can. You can use that beautiful pen to cross it out and put 49p. I can't be done. Whatever. I can't be done. Next item. Here we go.

There you go. What's the next one? That is fucking amazing. That is a model of Margaret Thatcher. Mint in box. At the Tory party conference. It's wonderful to be here. Do you know I really enjoy this podcast.

You could stick a wig on that and that would be Margaret Thatcher. I'm telling you. It's Zig. That's Zig, isn't it? It's Zig. Zig from Zigzag. It's a plushy Zig. With all sort of converse-y red boots on.

This is the most expensive thing I bought, by the way. That is pretty cool. He's got little pom-pom ear actually as a puppet you can put your hand into his head And make his mouth go up and down That is great That is good I'll do Margaret Thatcher again Thank you so much for having me on

It is absolutely wonderful to be here I'm not alive anymore, goodbye Poor Margaret, came through that doll Just to say goodbye Did you buy this? I got all of these, this? I did not. I got all of these. This one I got from eBay. It is your turn to guess first.

You got it from eBay? eBay. On a discount but still quite expensive. The most expensive thing I bought today. He looks like he's attending Glastonbury Festival with those trousers. I'm going to say I don't know. I'm going to get it all wrong. I mean, it's pretty good, isn't it? It's lovely. It's in good condition.

That is a... No, obvious stains. And when is it? 1991? No, no, 1996 or something. I was going to say. Is this charity shop as well, though? No, this was eBay.

I'm saying this is the most expensive thing I got. And this is the one most expensive... I'm going to say... Oh, Jesus Christ. £15. Oh. Oh. Oh, £15.

I don't know why I've put P there. I definitely think you're in the right ballpark there, so to speak. Mr Silverman, would you like to give it your own evaluation? I'm going to give it one. I'm going to give it one right now. Don't. What did you say the hole was in the back? Don't.

What? Please don't do... What? Don't infer. Don't infer what? Don't infer what I know you're about to infer. I'm not inferring anything. I'm going to give it one now. I don't want this. I don't want this to happen like this. This isnring what I know you're about to infer. I'm not inferring anything. I'm going to give it one now.

I don't want this. I don't want this to happen like this. This isn't what I wanted. £12. £12. Thank you for that. £12.50. Can I say £12.50?

I'm going to win this. Right. This one I'm going to win. You think? Yeah. Right. On to the next item. Could it be something from Zig and Zag?

No, no. I know because the one thing will be the opening up But I don't know which it will be You have no idea It might come at any time or it might have already come out How many items in total are we doing? Two more! What's this?

The odd one out No, what gives that away? Libel Traveller by William Roach This is a What is this? Is this a game. This is a... What is this? Is this a game? This is a board game. A travel version of the board game.

Right, yeah. And I worked with William Roach. Did you? I was his understudy on Coronation Street. Is this a fact? No. It's a game where... Understudy?

What? What? Did they do Coronation Street? Yes. Was it a live stage show? Someone I know quite well, doesn't work in TV, said to me, it was at some party about two years ago, said, oh, I love Friday night dinner.

Oh, thank you very much. I haven't seen it for years. Can I ask you one question? Is it live? Sorry, what do you mean? Is it live? The programme, is it live? Yeah, is it live?

Well, no. Isn't it live? I thought it was live. How would it be live? I mean, they're in the house and they're in the car well no isn't it live i thought it was live how would it be live i mean they're in the house and then in the car yeah oh well i just thought it's just always all right i just my evaluation of our brain went down yeah quite considerably so this is a game illegal game libel no so effectively what happened is in the 90s uh i thought it might be a nice chocolate bar in there called libel traveler It's a board game made out of spite because in the 90s he sued the sun

with regards to something they said about his private life and the whole process was so traumatising he turned it into a board game and this is the board game he invented And was it a big seller? No I can just imagine him getting really he was Ken wasn't he?

Ken Barlow getting really really driving his family insane about getting this game made. And the typeset is wrong. I'll fucking show them. It is a weird looking opening. I'm sure we were out and about somewhere and we saw the full size version of this and then you decided

not to buy it. It's quite grotty. It's quite grotty. It's one of those card games where you go around. Perjury. Cards that say perjury yeah libel the judge is amused that your barrister's joke move four threes new evidence comes to light

you are the murderer you move an opponent's oh my god it's a weird card building game yeah you build you go around the board building cards

you've also got to build your defence team so you've got to get a barrister a witness you've got to build a shrine of Ken Roach and then you've got to remember all the details of the crime. You've got to build a shrine of Ken Roach at the end. And then you've got to remember all the details

of the crime on the cross-examination. It is a tedious, boring game of swapping cards. Kids would love it. But I love the fact that it was born out of spite just because the son and him had a bit of a barney. Amazing. Did you get that from Not eBay? No, this is a charity shop item. You saw that and thought what is that? Charity shop item, can I ask? Not many board games are made by

soap operas with a grudge to hold against their newspaper. Where did you buy it? I think this is like Pinner. There's a Pinner charity shop that has the craziest shit. This turned up. It's great for charity shops, Pinner. It's St Luke's, I think, that one and that one. Is that gold there?

I bought this Garfield-themed birthday mug and it is indestructible. From the 80s. It doesn't chip. It's so colourful. It's so good. What's not to like? What's not to like?

I had a giant Garfield when I was younger. Massive one. Really? Yeah. Garfield. Garfield now. He's back, baby. My dad still likes Garfield.

He will read. He's had a green, isn't he? I guess he is. So this is £1.50 then. Yes, it was £1.50 then. Whenever that was. But what's the price I got it for? It's me first. Oh, yes. It is. You can calib then. Yes, it was £1.50 then. Whenever that was. But what's the price I got it for? It's me first.

Oh, yes. It is. You can calibrate. Here, take it. You can calibrate via... I can't imagine it's a lot of money. Not really. It wasn't...

What? Mamby Games. Yes. We've all heard of Mamby Games. We have not. Absolutely not. Mint on card. It's very mint.

Oh, you know what? You've left the price on this. No, that's not the right price. It's not. That's the old price, isn't it? That's not the one I got it for. So that's the store price? The 150 one.

Yeah. Yeah, that's not the right one. Well, it's still giving me clues, though, isn't it? It is, isn't it? That's what you do, though, isn't it? Have you had a stroke or something, Paul? No, but I'm about to have a fucking aneurysm. Why not?

Why not? Funnily enough. Come on, give me a price before I just dig a bigger hole for myself. Mamby. Oh. That knock-off Disney film. Come on, give me a price before I just dig a bigger hole for myself. Mamby. Oh. That knock-off Disney film. Come on, quick. Mamby.

I'm just going to keep on talking shit unless you give me a price. I will say 75p. 75p. I'm going half the price there. 75p. Therefore, Mr. Popper. £1.25. £1.25.

Okay. So how much did you say? First clue. How much did you say? Sorry. £1.25. £1.25. Okay. So how much did you say? First clue. How much did you say? Sorry. £1.25. £1.25. Perfect.

On to our final item before the scores are revealed. It's a Zig and Zag calendar. No, that's ridiculous. What's that? Oh, it's a game. It's a Zig and Zag board game. Dips, lemons and utter deck chairs. That's lovely.

Four completely mad in the head stunt game. Good colours, yeah? It's good colours. Sort of pink. I mean, yeah, it's all sort of, it looks like they're sherbet dip-dab type colours. Well, pink. Yes.

Those candy colours. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those nice, fresh, sweet, sugary candy colours. And what is it? What is the game? It's a kind of game of dare where you've got to move around the board, but there are challenges.

And there's a knife that comes with it, a knife, a sharp knife. Yeah, there's a knife and syringes. Yeah, there's a syringe and a knife. Cocaine and a bit of scales. And a file of plasma. Wow, that's pretty good, yeah. It's very elaborate. You have to build this whole kind of a hoop-throwing thing

to pick what dare you do. Right. And it says you can do all these kind of dares. I love the aesthetic on that. This is something we might play for the Patreon pod. That's another Paul Lamond one. That is good. Paul Lamond, yeah.

Paul Lamond does lots. He does all the TV tie-in board games, Paul Lamond. Is that his name? Nearly any time we have a board game based on a sitcom, which we get a lot of on this podcast. Oh, we tried to make one for Friday night dinner, and it was like, no. And it worked.

I can't remember what it was, but it was the worst design thing ever. Right. And it was like, no, please don't do that. Do they have to ask your permission? Sure. Yeah. And we were like, me and the company, whatever,

and we were like, I wish I had that on my phone somewhere. Do you get a say or do they say, here's our idea for it, and you say no or yes? Well, I just didn't really want a game based on that. No, fair enough. And it wasn't a shit game as well. Yeah, because every now and then you'll see a Mrs. Brown's boring boring game and it is just like move around the board collect things and say shitty jokes but it's a long trend that we've had like what we have has there been a

good one yes what was that one we played that was actually uh gladiators who's this what who's that there what do you mean who's that where yeah that's you mean, who's that there? Where? There. That's Zag. That's the one there. Where's his... Where's his... It's got no purple... He's got little green bits near his eyes and his cheeks. He's got no green bits?

Oh, I see now, yes. It's quite an elaborate drawing. Am I going to go first with this? Yeah, I do. Yeah, you do. And this was not as expensive as the doll, but certainly the second most expensive thing on the list. Where did you get this from?

This was a charity shop find. doll, but certainly the second most expensive thing on the list. Where did you get this from? This was a charity shop. Fine. This is what inspired the whole collection. So once I got this, once I popped, I couldn't stop. So, yes. I'm going to say, oh, I can't think if it's £8 or £12. I'm going to say £8. £8.

Eli, what do you say? No rush, mate. It's all good. We've got plenty of time good I'll take a few more gold radio isn't it yes come on I mean I can cut this down but I'd rather not you know I like I like you know just take your time mate okay I will you know Robert said eight you gonna I'm gonna think about it for a second you're gonna have this little thing he's gonna pad this out I mean we've only got the place for another hour so I'm just just wondering really at this

point what you're gonna bring well if you could stop talking for a second i'm only going to stop talking once you give me a price until then unfortunately you're going to have to move on i can't wedge it in well i'm going to have to wedge it in a little bit i'm going to have to fold it over you're going to have to drag it into yeah get why do you get john simms to help you out with it come on john John Simms. John Simms. John Simms. You're going to say a bit more, I think, so I'm going to say 12. 12. You're going to go for the 12, yeah. Well, then, after this little break, I shall reveal who is the king of tat

and has won this week's price of shite. Whoa, it's exciting. You have anything to add? No. Who's that little look you gave me? A little look of derision. I've got a little smile in my eye because you're so terrible at stuff. Thank you very much,

my long-serving and much-trusted... Serving? Fuck off! I should have just stopped this a minute ago. You should. I should have. It's time for the prices of the shices, all right? Did we get to guess which the odd one out was?

Yes. Do you want to have a guess right now? Now, I think you've screwed up. Was it a zig and zag uh jigsaw because the others weren't jigs could it have been that i don't think it was the coronation libel um one of these had no connection to your career apparently well william what's his name again william roach you were an understudy for him voiced Voiced. Zag, not Zig. Oh, that is true. Yes. Yeah, no, he did.

Yeah, he did. Did he? Yeah. And who did the other voice? I'm going to actually say that is the odd one out. Hilda Ogden. Mahatma Gandhi. Yeah, Mahatma Gandhi did the voice of Zig and Zag, Mr. Silverman. Who did the other voice?

Just want to pick libel. Just pick libel. Oh, God. Was it Paul Weller? Yes, it was Paul Weller in the ballroom with the candlestick. They're mods. They're mods. They all love me.

Okay, that's your one out, obviously. Yes, it is. You both get two betwings for that. So I'm going to put those right at the top of the board there now. This is going to be a betwing fest. Actually, Eli, can you go upstairs and grab something for me? Sure. Can you go and grab that now for me, please?

Sure. Sorry. I'll carry on the scores. Is this a mysterious thing he's getting? I'm not doing anything mysterious. Why would we do that to a well-respected guest like this? Bringing my mother down or something. Leave his mother upstairs.

He's rumbled it. Justice of Zig. Yeah, we've got a little surprise for you. No, Justice, the producer of Zig and Zag. Oh. Justice the producer, but so many things were brought to us. So many joys were brought to us via Zig and Zag. So, you know, the joy that they bring that the ongoing joy they bring is something that

you've been a part of funny and they're still on twitter talking well the guys doing them great yeah one day maybe they'll return maybe they'll be maybe they will with another single the rolling rat called them girls them boys them boys b-o-. So, look, listen. We thought you were here today to do a podcast. Yeah. But unfortunately not. Today we're doing a little mini This Is Your Life. And so I just want to... First of all, we've got a message from this guy.

I'm just going to see if you recognise this voice. Here we go. Adult Hitler. Hello, it's me. I'm sending you this as a voice message. I hope that's okay. You can cut out this bit of preamble. There you go. I hope this is all right, sending it like this. Right, I'm going to do it now. well um uh you gave me my big break in television um i don't know probably about like 25 years ago that's how old i am now uh you were the first person who ever um told me that my writing was anything other than absurdist nonsense and uh for that i thank you and also you recommended me to

the uh to the producer of sooty. And the rest is history. OK, hope you're well. Love you, bye. John Cleese. It's John Cleese leaving a message. It was Mr Paul Rose. Now, he couldn't be here because he's ill and also lazy. And he's brilliant.

He is brilliant. And he sent the funniest scripts maybe that I've ever been sent from someone I didn't know called We Too Vets. He wrote with Mr Tim Moore. Brilliant, yeahore brilliant yeah sorry yes what what what's going on it's all gone weird in here something's about to happen is he here yeah oh who's that let me bring him in i'll do the voice my dad see if you recognize do you recognize this voice enjoy the crust i don't need to i can see him walking in oh wait the voice clip isn't working no you don't need to, I can see him walking in Wait, the voice clip isn't working No, you don't need it

It's Paul Putner who I love And Biffo was in as well I'm going to play this bloody clip Don't play it You did it Enjoy the crust What are you Eamon Andrews, it seat. All right. Because we don't need... What are you...

Eamon Andrews, it never happened to him like this, did it? I don't know. He was a bit more professional. Yes, we didn't have the big red book this time. What are you doing here? I'm going to invite him along. That's literally it. I love Paul Putner.

You love me as well. Yeah. Cheap Show loves Paul Putner as well. I love him. Cheap Show loves Paul Putner. No. Cheap Show loves Paul Putner. No, I thought... No, I love Paul Putner. I heard you were doing an interview,

and I thought, how do I tread on Robert's toes? How can I? And you've always tried to diminish me. Muscle into his spotlight. No, Paul just said you were going on, then he invited me to pop in. I thought it would be lovely. It is lovely.

That's all. A friend, someone I know. Yeah. How are you? I'm all right. What are you doing? What are you doing? Where have you been?

I haven't seen you for ages. I sat on my reading glasses on the underground. Oh, no. Just now? Yes, so that's why I was to the absolute skin. Did you get some glass in arse? No, no, not too bad. So can you

not read at all without them? No, it is frightening actually. Just I had to hold a, not even at arm's length, the newspaper. What, you had to paste it on the wall? Yeah, literally, I just realised. I've just had a cataract operation.

Put in, put in. Cataracts put in. Can you get that on the NHS? Yeah, yeah. So, no, and they... Wait, do they put you to sleep when they do it? No, they don't. Or do you see, like, a knife come towards your eye?

Yeah, literally. Serious? Yeah, well, no, they lift up the old meniscus, move the iris, stick a plastic lens in there, and, yeah, but I've been short-sighted since, well, from the beginning. The beginning? In the beginning.

In the beginning. You mean when you came out your mother, you just went, Dad? I can't see. I need some National Health tortoise shell prescription. So after your cataracts were put in, can you see better? Well, I don't have to wear glasses anymore, apart from bloody reading glasses.

I think we look sexy with the glasses though. Where are they? More dishy. Do you put them in the bin? No, I've got it. I was holding it so I could read the direct... Oh, like a kind of pin snares or whatever it is, whatever they call them. I'm trying to read your text. That is quite sorrowful, isn't it? An image.

Yeah, it's pathetic. On the tube doing that. Yeah. Yeah, like an eccentric. On the tube doing that. Yeah. Yeah, like an eccentric, yeah. Yes. So, Paul, I'll tell you what, Paul. We're just going to wrap up the Price of Shite. So you're here for the scores. Okay.

Because we've had a... Jesus, will you do your song? Your little sum-up song. Yeah, we brought you in for the song and dance ending of this show. So I presume you brought your top hat and cane. Yeah, bib and tucker. We've been doing lots of Zig and Zag stuff today. Have you ever worked with Zig and Zag?

No, never. I once worked with Zig and Zag? No, never. I once worked with Zig and Zag so all their items... It was the best I could think of. It was good. It was very good. Here are the scores. Right.

So the first item was the annual. The Zig and Zag annual. Which is over there. Eli, you said £1.50. I did.

Robert said £2.00. The answer is £2.00. So Robert gets two. I'm mad, you said £1.50. I did. Robert said £2. The answer is £2. So Robert gets two between. I get two bazingles. On the nose. And one for you. What is it? I get what?

£600? No, you don't get... There's no money. There's never any money with this show. Everything is £600. Cheap show. Cheap show. It's contractually built into our title. Very well done.

Thank you. Well played. You just don't know. Here's the next one. Which was the single. Which you bought and you knew was... You don't know how much it was, do you? And you don't know how much it was, do you? No, I don't. This is why it's a stupid thing to put, isn't it? Because no one knows

and it's just you just doing it arbitrarily. Oh, it doesn't matter. why it's a stupid thing to put isn't it because no one knows and it's just you just doing it arbitrarily oh it doesn't matter it's just a joke about zig and zag which I only worked on for a little while

oh fuck it just put it in it's a zig and zag thing and it undermines the structural integrity

of the bit and just cross that out no betwings just you failing that's all that is thank you yeah the bit has all that is. Thank you.

Yeah. No betwings there. The bit has no integrity. I just think you could have put that more politely. Should have been a bit more respectful in front of these guests. I just think you've embarrassed me again. You've told me not to be professional. You know what?

One day you're going to get it. I'm going to fucking give you it. Promises, promises. I'm going to make sure no one finds you. I wish you weren't this close. We're showing a mic, everybody, by the way. I'm going to kill it. I'm going to fucking give you it. Promises, promises. I'm going to make sure no one finds you. I wish you weren't this close. We're showing a mic, everybody, by the way. I'm going to kill you. I'm just going to make it blunt. I'm going to kill you. I'll edit this out, but I'm going to kill you. Good.

In real life. I-R-L death. Right. Next one was the Zig and Zag dolly. The puppet dolly. That's pretty good, that one. Oh, that's going to be pricey. That was the most expensive item. Now, this was an eBay purchase, but there was a discount off the original price

because it had been in my waiting wish list for so long that they get a discount. We don't need to know. Every now and then, if you put... Oh, is it an eBay tip? Oh, it's Paul Gannon, eBay expert. Every fucking now and then, this podcast at least needs to provide some kind of service, right?

So here's my eBay tip. No one uses eBay anymore. I use it all the time. If you go on eBay and you like something, add it to your wish list or whatever it is. And you might get a discount. And then after about a week or so, they'll go, oh, the buyer's still selling this. Would you like a discount? Then you say yes, and then you buy it.

And then you pay £800 for delivery from America. Illuminating, honestly. Wow. Just saying. Well, I'll be on the way now, Rob. Oh, mate, are you still here? I didn't know you still were here. Oh, right, yeah. You could get amended and come back. Right. You said £15, Robert, for the board game.

I did. Eli said £12.50. The price was £12. So that is one per twing, but no per twings for Mr. Popper. Ooh, that's... Next, the penultimate item was the William Roach-invented board game libel. The board game invented by Coronation Street Star because he had a bit of a Barney with the Sun.

£180. I know. If only, if only they saw the value in it, I did. I like the way they've used his sort of headshot, his actor's headshot for the back. He's really proud of this. It always adds a certain sort of... I remember him promoting it on a...

You remember this? I remember promoting it on the Steve Wright... When Steve Wright had a television show. Oh, man. In the mid-90s. You all had a crack at it back then, like James Well had his. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We wanted to do, because we covered a lot of

Steve Wright's musical output. Which there's a lot of. On this podcast. So we wanted to do a little tribrie. Tribbrie. Tribbrity. Because I'm a mate, I'm not going to pick you up on that and point it out in front of more famous people. A little tribute to Mr. Wright. Are we going to do that still on that and point it out in front of more famous people a little tribute to Mr Wright

are we going to do that still? yeah we will we'll do a rundown we're going to do a rundown of all the singles he released as his name or under a pseudonym he put a lot of novelty records out

which didn't have his name on Arnie and the Terminators remember that? I'll be back I'll be back except it's like Impressionist hadn't managed to get that Arnie

that thing they didn't used to do that when he first came out. They just did a sort of generic German accent, didn't they? And what was his? Was his good? No. It was very bad. It was very bad. He didn't have any of the Arnie. That's the one noise for Arnie.

The universal Arnie impression noise. Being this close to the microphone and making Arnie. The universal Arnie impression noise. Ow, ow, ow. I don't like you being this close to the microphone and making Arnie noises. Ow, ow, ow. Stop it. I hate the fact that you exist. I hate being near you.

I hate... Good. Anyway, you said this was 75p, Mr. Silverman. Robert said £1.25. The actual price was 75p. Eli is just knocking it out of the park. I can't believe it. Did you buy it? No, but nothing

from Mr. Robert there. A final item was the Zig and Zag board game, which is floating about somewhere. Hang on, what's Ken Barlow got to do with Zig and Zag? That was a mystery item. What item stands out?

What item stands out? And I guess correctly that it was that one, not the Zig and Zag one. That's pretty good. Very astute observation. Yeah, thank you. It was hard. Wise beyond your years.

Right, we have, you said £12 for the board game. No, I said £8. Oh, yeah, £8 for the board game. Eli said £12. He's going to win. It was £ I said £8. Oh yeah, £8 for the board game. Eli said £12. He's going to win. It was £5. Oh! Close but no cigar there. So at the end of this year's Price of Shite

1, 2, 3, 4 5 points to Mr Popper and Eli gets 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 for Twings. Congratulations. Thank you very much, everyone. And Paul, if you'd like to do your little song summing up. The Mr Putner song.

No, I haven't got anything for that. Whose line is it anyway? Not Josie Lawrence. Yes, you are. I can't do that. It's the hoedown round. You've got to do the hoedown. Oh, I hated that round. She used to do marching songs, didn't she? Yes, she so did,

didn't she? Yeah. It was like a cowgirl song. I'm a marching cow. And we all laughed because Stephen Fry could never rap, could he? But you, Laurie, is a musician. Oh, yes, he is. Does he play the guitar, or does he play the banjo, or does he play the ukulele? Piano. Piano. No, none of those.

He plays everything. None of those. I imagine he's a bit of a multi-instrumentalist. And is his music good or is it foul? Yeah, very good. When House was huge, he released a blues and soul piano album. That's very much in a different genre to House then. When House was huge.

It's a big genre, yes. It would be weird actually if Hugh Laurie had done a... He did a blues thing with House. He'd done a House album. That would be weird. actually, if Hugh Laurie had done a... He did a blues thing with House. He'd done a House album. That would be weird. That's what he should have fucking done! Seminal House album. House presents House.

House presents House. No, you know what? I agree. He should have done that. In a house. In Hugh Laurie's house. We need to formulate a way to end this episode at some point. Let's do it now.

Goodbye. Thanks, everyone. One minute. Paul Parker's come all the way. He's broken his glasses as well. We're going to end this bit, and then. Let's do it now. Goodbye. Thanks everyone. One minute, Paul Patman's come all the way. He's broken his glasses as well. We're going to end this bit and then we'll start the next bit and then we'll end the next.

Oh, haven't we got music or something? What? No. Okay. Let me just stop this bit and then we'll do a nice wrap up. We can have a nice leisurely chat

while our time is up. Paul, are you interested in outsider music? Strange, hilarious outsider music because the bit that you missed, Robert brought a whole album

by a guy called Clifford I've played you in Jumping Horses have I played you no I don't think I do like outsider music honestly this is

chef's kiss it is honestly some of the best outsider music I've ever heard and it's not widely known right

and it's just an album just Clifford well he's got a last name but I'm not saying his last name he was 13 when he made it, in like 1990, my friend's cousin. Oh, oh, I see. And he made his own album in his bedroom.

Does this have a little bit of jumping horses? Because people might Google it and ruin his life. I mean, I met him, he didn't seem to care, but I just thought, hmm. ¶¶ And I make it up for the girls Cos these days I play any old song I make it up, I make it up I make it up for the girls Cos I cannot read music Music And I wish that I could play properly But I can't, I can't

And I wish that I could play the trumpet And my wife, she plays the trumpet very well. She says that she wants to be. My name is Mr. Bergen. I make it up. I make it up. I make it up. I make it up.

I make it up. You know what he's trying to do with this song? You know what he wants? And he achieves it. And he can. Well, yeah. He's been jumping every day. Jumping horses.

It's a bit doleful. Pretty good, isn't it? Well, musically, it's not a million miles away from John Fox or, you know, one of those very early 80s... He was more electronic, wasn't he? Well, that sounded quite electronic. That's what I was saying. Burning car or something. No, it was under electronic. That's what I was saying. It's not... Burning car or something.

No, it was underpass. Underpass. Yeah, I used to remember. Yes. Echoes in Rome. Yes. They did a... There was very much a motorway sort of theme to those.

Yeah, I think the B-side was something about... Yeah. So, do you want to investigate More of that album? Yeah I'd love to I'll send you it man Oh thank you It feels like contraband Now at this point

It's great You'll love it Headphones in bed Yeah So I was We were listening to it Me and my partner last night While we were playing board games

It's funny aren't you Well here's the thing We were playing this I think we were playing Michael McIntyre's The Wheel The Board Game Right

You're obsessed I am obsessed My storage is nothing But board games. Right. You're obsessed. I am obsessed. My storage is nothing but board games. No, I mean, you're obsessed with that game. Not with that game. It's just easy to play on a Saturday night. Well, because it was an easy Saturday night board game. You spin it and answer fucking topical questions or whatever.

So you hate it? No, the point is... You hate that game? You hate that board game? That's why you played it twice? Yes, I hate that board game because we played it twice. Fucking shit. Shit game that you hate.

The point is that we were playing and having this on in the background and at a certain point, my partner just went, I can't fucking take this. Stormed out. She thought I was using some kind of psych tactics to get inside her head. It felt like that. So I promised to turn it off and we could finish the game in peace.

You can't do two things at the same time. You can't do another thing while you listen to it. No, you really can't. It demands your attention. It draws you in. That's why it's a classic. It is. And it's sold no copies. You know what the thing we should send to Robert is?

The Derek tapes. Derek. The Derek tapes. Actually, Derek's voice is a bit similar, isn't it? It is. It's quite. So Derek, long story short version, was this old guy. He was the uncle of one of our listeners. And this guy

sent in a cassette and what Derek did Uncle Derek was he would record largely improvised stories for kids to enjoy

in a cassette tape for his nephews yeah and then the mother heard them and took the cassette away because she thought they weren't appropriate

so it's this old man he's literally got a voice like hello and the first one was called the brookside tiger well the mysterious death of a tiger in viagra four episodes where we listen and commentate oh yeah but i can certainly send you the raw because i'll send me the raw they're fascinating dives into a man's head paul yes um just on a side note yes i like this no i don't like this it nice. You know what this makes me feel like?

Kissing. No, like Mick Jagger and Tina Turner. No, this is Mick Jagger and David Bowie singing, dancing in the street or something like that.

We should do this whole segment back to back. It's terrible. But also, just a little nitpick here. You have said long story short about eight or nine times today.

And just a little tip here for you. Just before you you could make that story even shorter by not fucking saying long story short at the beginning you lose a whole fucking three words four words i'm not gonna get into this three words i'm not gonna get into this long story short i'm not getting into this all right we need to wrap this fucking show up all right mr putner I believe you're performing in Panto this year. Where can we find you? No, no.

I think you've mixed me up. Hang on. I thought this was like those old BBC sitcoms where at the end of the credits they had to mandatory put in sitcoms

and plays they were in. Frank Thornton will be appearing in Whoops-A-Daisy at the Bromley Theatre. Jim Davidson appearing in Not Without My Wives. I did a short film this week.

Sorry. Everyone thought I was very good. Yeah? Yes. First ever film directed by monkeys. I played the role of Rufus. Rufus? Rufus.

Oh, Rufus the Rufus. That was my character name. And what did you have to do? And you know what's strange? In the original script, I was put down as Eli. And I said, no, don't. I'm out of this. Now I'm done.

Good. Long story short, shut up. Rufus. But in the original version of the script, because they wrote the role with me in mind, they just put Eli as a character. I'm like, no, no, no, no. So the alternative,

the alternative where they came up with Rufus. But funnily enough, because I saw my father today, Rufus was what could have been my name as well. All of my names came from... You do look like a Rufus. Yeah, and Eli is similar to name to Rufus, isn't it, in a weird way? No.

They don't sound alike. They say metamology. Rufus Thomas. Also, I might have been called Levi. After. Named after. Jeans. Levi Stubbs.

Singer of the Four Tops. Lead singer of the Four Tops. Well, you're not any of those names, so thank you for wasting our time by telling me all the names you're not so where were you recently you just came back

from a film shoot yeah I've been filming yeah they cut all my hair off I had really long hair oh yeah what have you been filming I've been it's a French film

oh hello in France in Paris I've got to do a bit of French yeah but I'm playing an English character filming in Paris something in Paris

oh nice so I've been going backwards and forwards oh it's great fun I have three days off a bit of French, yeah. What's a French like? I'm playing an English character. Filming in Paris? Filming in Paris. Oh, nice. So I've been going backwards and forwards. Oh, it's great fun. I have three days off in Paris. What do you do? I feel like a widower. You go to Euro Disney, you do the tombs,

the catacombs. Yeah, what did you do? I just wandered around on my own. I lived there for a couple of months years ago and yes, I didn't really know anyone and I did,

yeah, you can get quite lonely there wandering around. Yeah, I did. I thought I'd go do the obvious landmarks which I hadn't done for a while

the Eiffel Bridge the Eiffel Bridge rubbish you've been to the Louvre no I've never been not worth going no can't get

can't see anything it's bullshit it's too hot everything's covered with soup yeah there's another there's another

big gallery there Musee d'Orsay that's right that's the one and that's got all the 20th century stuff the Impressionists and stuff Yeah There's another TripAdvisor review There's another big gallery there Musee d'Orsay That's right That's the one And that's got all the 20th century stuff The Impressionists and stuff So there's going to be more

What did you say? Les Dawson You said Les Dawson No one said Les Dawson I thought the other That is the one to go to Yeah Alright

That is the one to go to You know for your Paris tips here Yes You always end with like Paris tips And you're the Paris correspondent Yeah yeah Paris tips And we've got Paul Putner And you're the Paris correspondent. You Paris each week and we've got Paul Putner. And you become more and more French, your accent each week.

Paul Putner's Paris tourbadeur. I had a French partner for the best part of 18 years. You speak French, though? No, I don't speak any. Was that out of malice? Not living in France. Okay, yeah. Has she never taught you?

No, she does want to, but I just keep... Not yet. Not yet. Mini Ramonas. Paul, just one little thing. The mispronounced landmark that you were looking for was the Pompapoo Centre. Pompadoo.

No, but you were mispronouncing them, so Pompapoo. Oh, you wanted to interrupt for that? Pompapoo. I like the way you get close to the mic, as if it's to say that when you get close to it, it's funnier. Do you, Robert, do you, when you were ever spoken with a microphone, because of your name, similar to my alliteration name, did you ever pop the mic?

Well, I don't know. Maybe. I think it's fine. I've probably been sitting quite far back. No, I've been adjusting the volume, so you're all right. I probably have popped the mic. Pop. That's horrible.

Do you realise I worked it out almost to the month we first met 30 years ago? Right, tell us that story. I like a lovely showbiz story. I did a day's filming on Lavender Hill in early 94. I worked it out. That was my first job. And Robert, what was your role on that? It was with Peter Richardson in the comic strip. I was his class. Yeah, I started as a runner, then I was his assistant.

My first day, by the way, I didn't know anything about how TV's made or anything. And I remember, so I was doing, obviously did all the shit jobs and had quite light coloured trousers. Don't know why. And it was a windy day. I was told, can you go and get some coffees and teas and I had a tray

and it was in those days when you just use styrofoam things you just chuck them in the bin doesn't matter and a whole tray of these coffees and shit

and I'd been there maybe an hour and really nervous and the wind blew all of them all of them over my in the crotch area

mainly that's where it has to go and I had to spend the first day on set like that. And I was, yeah. I remember we, we had a horrible camera assistant on that set. There's me and another runner.

And he was horrible. He was like a bit of a bully. And we wanted to get him back. And he was like, he used to pick on us quite a lot. He was a right prat. So we thought right and he yeah i shouldn't really say this we had you know i know i'm gonna fuck it he had this camera bag

this like nice camera bag he bought and he was showing off this leather camera bag that he loved and i noticed or we noticed he put it by the end of a table and we decided between us if we put all the like used cups of coffee on the edge of that table people naturally put all their coffee on the edge and what will happen is someone will bump into the table and they'll fall in his back and then when it when it was the end and it said cut and you know you know that's a wrap it's a wrap i can't even remember what the body is that's a cut uh everyone went you just heard him basically sort of scream my bag my bag

and there's about four cups of coffee in there wanker and we were it was a good day Cliff Parisi he was the other actor

he was Minty from EastEnders and the little kid George Yosumi no George was in it he's a concept art painter

is he yeah conceptual artist I freaked him out because he was an actor in it and I freaked him out because he was an actor in it. And I freaked him out because I've got a weird thing with telephone numbers. I remember everyone's telephone number.

And I bumped into George that I hadn't seen since like 1995 or maybe not 20 years. I bumped him in the street. He didn't remember me at all. Anyway, I said, I can still remember your phone number where your mum's house. And I did it to him. I'm not going to say it now, but I do remember. And he just stared at me like, oh how do you remember that and i said do you remember me this is not really and then you walked off can i ask so that's a talent you have but you also

remember strings of numbers generally i mean you probably could yeah or but you do you make an effort when someone's not i can remember obviously this is cut off about 15 years ago no like no I could do the home telephone numbers when in the old ones three and four easier I couldn't learn mobiles if I had to

when we used to do peep show like in the edit Becky Martin the director we'd have the sheet with like the cast and crew list people like insurance company things

and I would learn like she'd give me like okay five minutes learn 15 numbers and then she'd test me and like what is the phone number of like the the insurance company i'm gonna bring back you bet and when we get that back you can come on and you can do the phone number thing challenge how about that apparently remember those mustachioed 0181 guys oh yeah no

no no 118 118 118 they're dead directly responsible what was the one which went 50 50 50 089150 that was like a sex chat line what about the red telephone one the red telephone no

it used to jump in the end yeah that was Enrightel did the voice for that oh that was Thompson Directory yes I think

Enrightel made a fortune I did a phone call to 118118 once that was like you know the directory and I phoned up in my stupid voice and I and the answer Hotel made a fortune. I did a phone call to 118118 once. That was, you know, the directory. And I phoned up in my stupid voice. And they answered, hello, 118118.

I said, hello, you have a nice voice. She said, thank you very much. How can I help you? What number are you looking for? You have a nice voice. I said, thank you so much. You have a nice voice. That's the number of the company.

You have a nice voice. Oh, beautiful. We should do prank calls. No, no. Yes, we should. No, I don't have a goal to prank calls. I love them. And then I get sad inside and guilt ridden. Why?

Because you made someone hear your voice. They also did a thing for a while where you could ask them any question. It was like, obviously to try and get more money because people on the internet was around. So you could also ask them any question and they'll find out for you. And my question, what is the name of the millionth lady? Well, now we're entering a new age of absolute nonsense, aren't we? Yeah. Oh, dear.

You ask it something, it just tells you the wrong thing. Does it? It says, go on, that's your lot. Your stand-up's getting better. Right, shall we wrap this show up because we've got to clear out in a little while? Airplane food. that's a cut that is a cut that is a cut

after almost 30 years the most audacious musical event in recording history is finally available to add to your collection today Braxton Records

proudly presents Clifford, Scared of Me Featuring 11 outstanding tracks guaranteed to change how you think about music Featuring the momentous hit single Jumping Horses Jumping Horses The Jumping Horses Sink into the hauntingly moving hauntology of no cinema around here. There used to be a cinema, but now I'm... Wrap your eager ears around the thrilling title track Scared of Me.

Scared of me. Scared of me. Scared of me. Scared of me. I'm a porter in a grove now. And why not shake your arse to some golly golly tea time mix. And finally, let your mind unwind to fly fishing, open brackets, J.R. Hartley, close brackets. I've been looking for a book by J.R. Hartley It's rather old and very, very thick

Scared of Me, available now on MP3, cassette, final record, CD, Blu-ray, DVD, whacked cylinder and printed sheet music. If you only hear one album this year, make sure Clifford, Scared of Me, is your last. A Graxton Records release. Buy it now. And that's the end of the Cheap Show this week. Thank you once again to our guests today,

Mr. Robert Popper. Thank you. And Mr. Paul Putner. Thank you. We're going to get you back soon, by the way, because we've got a plan. We've got a plan for you. All right.

We've got a plot for you. We've got a plan in mind. Nothing to do with eating incredibly hot. No, no. This is the thing on Cheap Show. We put ourselves through that. We've got a plot for you. We've got a plan in mind. Nothing to do with eating incredibly hot. No, no. This is a thing on Cheap Show. We put ourselves through that. We'd never do our guests like that. You did.

You made him eat something hot before. Did I? No. I didn't make you eat that biscuit. Burger or something. Yeah, he did. And you eat like a hot sort of Dorito thingy. The one chip challenge, yes.

Which Paul... Oh, here we go. Wussy. Wussy. I don't know what the word is i'm sensitive and i don't need to put myself through that and i don't really think you should how dare you how dare you right can one last thing on this mic take i don't like this look online and look for etta james and dr john they share a mic they look like they want to devour each other right okay is that all you've got then yes thank. Thank you. Right, thank you.

That was Cheap Show this week. For all the social media, for all the YouTube, for all the information you need, dedicated pages for each episode, go to our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. And hey, some lovely people support us on Patreon. If you'd like to be one of those, you can go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show.

Give what you can, but only if you can. And there are years worth of videos, behind the scenes stuff, commentaries, magazines, extra podcasts. The Derek quadrilogy. Thanks for that. Thanks for that, mate. The Derek quadrilogy.

Yes. Why don't you ask our guests if they've got anything going on. That's what I do next, num nuts. Let me get through this. Fuck's sake. Num nuts. Yes, I'm bringing all

the 90s phrases back, you dweeb. Why would num nuts make you stupid? It'd just be a condition in my nuts. Probably, actually, my nuts were numb. I wouldn't think about my nuts so much. And I'd think, ooh, I've got time for cognitive stuff. Because my nuts, I don't have any feeling there.

So it doesn't make sense. Go back to thinking about Etta James' microphone. That's it. So, Mr Putner, where can people find you? What are you up to these days? How are you, darling? I miss you. Well, this thing I'm doing in Paris probably won't be out for another year.

By that time, I imagine most people would have forgotten I mentioned that. I'm going to ask what kind of genre the film is. It's a drama. The French like their dramas. Period political drama. Is it genre the film is. It's a drama. Oh. The French like their dramas. Period political drama. Is it erotic? Because the French are quite erotic people.

And you're doing some French in it. I'm doing some French in it. What are your lines? Go on. Do you know what? I'm actually learning them at the moment. Right. So it's one of those kind of like phonetic memory kind of things.

Oh, God, yeah. Tell me a bit. I didn't realise I was doing it in French until recently. Have you got quite a lot of French to speak? No, no, it's not a great deal. Nope, but enough to make you... Yeah, but no, I can't think of anything else that immediately... No, no.

No. No, just doing screeny stuff. Keep yourself to yourself, mate. You know, don't worry about it. Beautiful. Thanks for coming along. My pleasure. Mr. Popper, where can people find you

should they want to? You might not want their attention. I mean, I don't want people to find me. If they do, can they recite your phone number back to you? They could. They could. It's quite an easy phone number. Yeah, and I'll put it at the end of this episode.

Yeah, yeah. In French. In French. Oh, I'm writing a book. A mad book. I can't say what it is because it will ruin the concept of what I'm doing. But I'm writing a book a mad book I can't say what it is because it will ruin the concept of what I'm doing but I'm doing a book

non-fiction yeah is it big will it be about this big it'll be smaller than that which is good radio about this size

yeah it'll be about that size about that thick thicker yeah it'll be like that that one the one none of the viewers

no that's too thick that's too thick yeah That's too thick. Yeah. No, you had it before, right at the top. That one? Yeah. So if anyone's listening at home, bless you, the book that will come out will be the size of Penguin's classics,

Gustav Flaubert's Madame Bovary. Gustav Flaubert's Madame... That's what I'm writing. He's literally doing a modern interpretation of that. Right. Well, thank you both. And you too, Eli. Thank you. Don't touch me. This is the longest thank you both. And you too, Eli. Thank you.

Don't touch me. This is the longest goodbye on the podcast. He always does this. You always do this. Just cut it off. To cut a long story short, this podcast is over. Goodbye. Goodbye.