CheapShow - Ep 377: Barshens Rises

Starting point is 00:00:00 Fuck me! Did you forget to press the button? No, I pressed the button and I thumb nudged the pause button so all that gold is gone. Right, we're going to start again. This is textbook Cheap Show bullshit. So Eli, I need you to be my hype man. Hump man. Fuck.

Starting point is 00:00:15 I'm a hand man. You're a hand hump man. Hand hype man. I'm a hand shandy man. You're a hand shandy man. Right, so hello, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast and this week we have got a great, big, lovely, wonderful, years in the making surprise, don't we, Eli? Absolutely, it's a humdinger. Don't thumb nudge the box again. Whatever you do, because this one's working.

Starting point is 00:00:38 You can put that on a t-shirt. Yes, Paul, what's so special about today's episode of Cheap Show? Well, how about we just let everyone introduce themselves and then the listener can fare their own? First contestant number one, what's your name and where do you come from? Hi, I'm Chris. No one knows who I am, so that's a good start. No, everyone knows who you are. Oh, come on.

Starting point is 00:00:58 Technical crew, no one cares. They care! I care! I care! I wouldn't have invited you if I didn't care, would I? Eh? Okay, thank you. Hi. I wish you hadn't come now. Right. We care a lot, by faith no more.

Starting point is 00:01:11 Yeah. Contestant number two, what's your name and where do you come from? Hello, I'm not Dan and I'm from Norwich. Oh, he's doing that thing. What do you mean that thing? The thing you started about. Ryan, we've all moved on! No we haven't! That's not the point of business! She's like, oh no one liked me!

Starting point is 00:01:31 Wrong! He's like, you're like, we've got to be that! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! There's not been enough lads in for another face chat yet. A.K.A. Ryan. Hello everyone. Thank you, thank you. Christ, I regret all of this already.

Starting point is 00:01:49 Contestant number three, what's your name and where do you come from? Hello, I'm Stuart. I'm just a man with a man's courage. Oh, I see. You see? None of you have daftness that I don't want to be here. What are you shitting again for? And finally, contestant number four, what's your name and where do you come from?

Starting point is 00:02:04 I am Barry from the West Country and I've still not beaten Stuart at anything. Oh no, I did beat you at one thing. You did? Yeah. I can't remember what it was. Connect Four. It was, yes. At 3am.

Starting point is 00:02:14 Oh, the Connect Four. It was a real moment that. It was. Come on. I'm holding on to that. Do you still dream of it at night? Do you have a photograph on your wall? It's all my gravestone.

Starting point is 00:02:22 Hey, well you may be able to level the playing field today. I'm just going to leave that there. Ooh! Tension. So, it is a Barshans Cheap Show reunion special, and you're welcome along to it. Why not come in and have fun? Press the fucking credits. It's

Starting point is 00:02:52 Yes it is a Barshans Cheap Shoke special type thing and we are gonna do what we can to entertain you. Where are you going? You're taking your clothes off? It's like working with Suttie! What's going on? Taking your coat off? All right, good. All the boys and girls love it. Paul, think of something to say that isn't based on me or repeating what I say, okay?

Starting point is 00:03:20 I'm not going to be here for you every time, all right? Isn't that the point? That's kind of the point, isn't it? It's heartbreaking. Literally the co-host. All right, I'll tell you what then. What we will do to get started is one person couldn't be, actually two people couldn't be here today. So Riyadh was meant to be here today as well.

Starting point is 00:03:34 Director, famed superstar and filth merchant. I know the secrets. If he's listening, I know his secrets. But also we couldn't get Izzy here today, but Izzy did leave us a voice message, so I'm going to play it now. Hi everyone, it's Izzy, I mean Azim. I'm really looking forward to filming the Barshens reunion with you all and I'm really sorry I couldn't be here at this mini one. Paul's asked me to say my favourite Barshens memory, so I'm going to have to go with

Starting point is 00:04:04 any time we recorded Charter Calls. It was so funny and honestly watching Barry slowly lose his mind was just, I was just crying from laughter every time. Which come to think of it is probably why the camera angles were always so bad. Well anyways, have a lovely day guys and Ganon, just while I've got you, sorry there's a bit of a weird time to bring this up, but you actually owe me a fiver. Oh, no, that's fine. We don't need to turn it off. Anyway, that's easy.

Starting point is 00:04:31 And she can't be here, but she sends her love. But she did mention sharticles, so I thought to get us all in the mood, I found some sharticles. Oh! And I'm gonna give you the topics, and all you gotta do, right, is tell me which one you wanna start with.

Starting point is 00:04:42 So we have today, the topics are whales, all rats, hamsters, there's a bit of a theme, a late book, bollocks, farters and lost and found. What do you want to start with? I'll tell you what, since it's Stuart and Barry, we'll start with Stuart. What would you like? Okay. I'm interested in the late book. All right.

Starting point is 00:05:03 Okay. I found this story. It's not as shocking this story, but I found it fascinating. So the story is, mysterious note found inside book returned to library 37 years late. And you think, oh, well that's the story on peels. There might be something more to it. So I'll just read it as is. A book on the use of hallucinogenic drugs has been returned to a library 37 years after it was originally borrowed. Psychedelics by Bernard Aaronson was due back on May 30th 1987.

Starting point is 00:05:33 The resulting trip it seemed took longer than expected as the book was now late by a staggering 13,437 days. Attached to the book was a post-it note which simply said, sorry, so late, it's been a long strange trip. And I'm just wondering if the guy dropped something, nodded off and then 37 years later he was like, Van Winkle. No, you see, you're making a lot of factual errors about hallucinogens there. Let's get the drug dealing expert in. So I'm just going to ask immediately, was it you, Eli?

Starting point is 00:06:04 Did you take their book out? It was not me. I would never return a library book. Fuck that. So I'm just gonna ask immediately, was it you, Eli? You took that book out. It was not me. I would never return a library book. Fuck that. Yeah. Sounds like the book did its job though, right? Just did something to the library or something.

Starting point is 00:06:15 Yeah. What? Anyway, there are no substances that can make you trip for 37 years. You don't know that. The longest R is do it, what they call do it or STP, which apparently is at least 17 hours full-on nightmare fuel

Starting point is 00:06:31 Doing this fucking podcast with you That was started to come in towards the end of the hippie period and that's when you got the crazies Crazy people on do it or STP. So don't do that 17 hours. Yeah LSD for a comparison is sort of 6-8, 6-10 hours. A magic mushroom is more like 4 or psilocybin 4-6 hours. But you could feel like you'd experienced time dilation as part of the trip. That happens to me on MDMA especially, weirdly, which isn't as psychedel psychedelic as I am myself.

Starting point is 00:07:05 No I've had really strange time dilation experiences especially on pills. But if everybody else experiences it too and they actually think your library book is late then that's quite sinister I think. And also what did you say as well? He nodded off. You're thinking of opioids not a lucid gins my friend. He's correcting me over slight whimsy that I decided to add to the story. It's just not real though, is it? What if?

Starting point is 00:07:30 You're sloppy. What if he was in a coma for 37 years off the back of taking a drug? Again, not a realistic assumption. Why can't it be? People don't go into comas from taking psychedelic drugs. You don't know that. I do know that. You take a drug, you go, isn't it lovely? I do know that. You take your drug, you go,

Starting point is 00:07:45 whoa, isn't it lovely? You fall off a building, crack your head, you go into a coma. Yes. All right? Yeah, good. Thank you. I have legitimized my slight amusements. Barry, have you ever cooked with magic mushrooms?

Starting point is 00:07:58 No, not intentionally anyway. Oh. I've had a couple of strong risottos and things, so maybe. Have you ever had though, like, an inkling to make, like, a pot brownie or anything like that? Yeah, yeah, the brownies, definitely the herbal ones for certain friends, 40, if you did request them.

Starting point is 00:08:15 Oh really? Did you imagine any names? No, no, no. But yeah. Because it's tricky cooking with that kind of material. I don't know why we're being so fucking cool. Yeah, I was thinking it was going to, like if you bake it it will wilt and lose its, you know, power, but apparently it doesn't.

Starting point is 00:08:28 Do you know what I... Do you know what I... There's a certain temperature you need to keep it, it's a certain time to bake and stuff like that. Oh great. They've done all those other things. Yeah, I'm very inexperienced in these types of little leaves. And it can be, I think it can be more effective to use hashish.

Starting point is 00:08:41 Ah, okay, nice. For next time, for the next 40 if you lose. When in London, you know. Resin, as it's known. It's like having the old weird uncle come to a Christmas party. Not in front of the children. Not in front of the children, don't leave that outside, it's not welcoming with that kind of stuff. Barry, did you know you can make cake with vinegar? I haven't done that before, but I've heard of it. I've only heard of it this week, it blew my mind. Yeah, there's a vinegar pie that I've done

Starting point is 00:09:06 with sugar and vinegar, and that baked into pastry was really cool, actually, but not quite as hallucinogenic, but you know, it was up there. There's a thing called crazy cake, which was a depression-era cake. I'm only going to discuss the whole cake, bio-weed thing, but they use vinegar because it mixes with the baking soda,

Starting point is 00:09:22 and it crazes more of a foam when it rises, so it creates a fluffier taste. Well the acidity and sort of. Yeah. Nice. Anyway. You have a taste of vinegar. No it doesn't.

Starting point is 00:09:31 It doesn't taste of vinegar at all. It's just there, it's a tiny amount that's just used as a kind of agent to create a frothier, foamier. Yeah I get that. I'd be into it if it did taste more of vinegar. You want more vinegar? I like vinegar. Bacon.

Starting point is 00:09:42 That's not vinegar. No you put vinegar on it. Popping off. Is that true? I've not tried that. That's not vinegar. No, you put vinegar on it. Popping off. I've never tried that. No, just try a few little bit of malt vinegar on your bacon. Barry, you'll go home today with new video ideas for your channel. I'm off to quick save now and away. I'm making a vinegar based pop cake for everyone to enjoy today.

Starting point is 00:10:00 Whilst we're on the vinegar subject, is it true, did you, was it you who mentioned vinegar sandwiches to me? Oh no, I didn't. Vinegar sandwiches? I think some people do vinegar sandwiches. Is that a porn star name? Soaked in it. No, I think you need a protective layer of butter or margarine.

Starting point is 00:10:16 The vinegar goes on top of that. Oh so the vinegar is the filling? Yeah. Oh. Do you have to keep it level or is it, how's that work? I don't know if it's that much vinegar that's so sloppy it would be an issue. The dumbest thing I heard was a toast sandwich which is two slices of bread

Starting point is 00:10:29 with a slice of toast in the middle. Oh, I had that last year. Really? Heston Blumenthal's Fat Duck, he did this, oh, what's the, not the Wizard of Oz, Mad Hatter. Mad Hatter's Tea Party. And he did this like tiny, it was an eight course like thing that we went along to

Starting point is 00:10:42 and it was another 40th birthday, but they added like one triangle The triangular sandwich and it was soft and soft and in the middle was a layer of toast and that was Insane it gave it like a slight chew and this like I can imagine that being quite delicious. Yeah. Yeah a bit under seasoned though Yeah, did you use duck fat or something on the I'm not sure but I still had like a fitting in it But like it's felt like a soft sandwich and then you got a layer of toast in the middle. The amount of money he charges for his restaurant and he's serving fucking toast sandwiches.

Starting point is 00:11:11 Sorry, that's a piss take. I want it made of children's dreams. Barry, next article, you can pick it. What do you want to do? Wales. Wales? You want Wales? Yeah, I like animals.

Starting point is 00:11:22 Yeah, you're going to love this one. Or is it the country? No, it's not the country. It is Humpback Whales photographed having sex for the first time. Oh wow. But both were male. So there you go, it's got proof. Hang on, it was the first time they'd had sex or the first time they'd been photographed?

Starting point is 00:11:36 The first time they've ever been photographed having sex without their consent. Yeah, I was gonna say, did they not sign the Piscine Waiver? It just says here, photographed. It's because they're mammals. They Piscine Waiver. It just says here, photographs... It's got to ask us if they're mammals. They're doing waino. Waino? Yeah, I'm gonna use... Everyone will be using that, Kevin, thank you.

Starting point is 00:11:49 There he is. He's back. Photographs have captured images of humpback whales engaging in sexual activity for the first time and the mammals in question were both males. They were humpbacks and... Bearback. The bearback whale. I thought they called me. Here comes the bearback whale.

Starting point is 00:12:21 I'm glad nobody was recording the face you made when you did that. That was unholy. That was the bobbing up and down for me. That was a vinegar sandwich face. Anyway, the Humpbacks have been studied for years by scientists, but a study published this week featured the first photographs of the species having penetrative sex. Its authors have said the whole discovery was opportunistic as the whales slowly approached the photographer's boat whilst... Sorry. What? So, the whole discovery, which leads me onto...

Starting point is 00:12:50 Um... Yes, what does this lead you onto? I'd be curious to know. I wonder if it was blowhole or bumhole. Yeah, that was the... So the whole discovery... The internal choice. One of these whales made a whole discovery on the other whale.

Starting point is 00:13:04 I mean... So the whole discovery, one of these whales made a whole discovery on the other whale. It just said here, photos show a healthy and strong male penetrating another and sex took place. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That's it in a nutshell really. The rest of it's just scientists going on about how it's nice to take a picture of two sexing whales. It's just another example of homosexuality in animals which the fascists don't want to

Starting point is 00:13:35 hear about. Yeah, well they're hearing about it now. Also, I have another whale fact. All right. I think it's sperm. They discovered... That's your awful kids' fault, isn't it? I think it's sperm. Great scratching the snipp's your awful kids book, isn't it?

Starting point is 00:13:45 I think it's sperm. Great scratch and sniff look that way. Scratch and sniff edition. Go on. They are the only other mammal to experience menopause. Really? Yeah. They've just discovered it's not conclusive because they were using whale corpses to look at them. Big ovaries and all that. But yeah, they're speculating they do

Starting point is 00:14:14 not know why. No other mammals apart from us obviously go for the menopause. And the obvious sort of conclusion you could draw for why that happens is that they need the whale mums around to help with, you know, learning how to hunt and so forth. Does that mean you could potentially give a whale HRT? Yes. Oh. Well, we've all heard something about whales. Probably too much.

Starting point is 00:14:39 Wow. Ryan, you can pick the next one. We've got rats, hamsters, bollocks, farters, lost and found. Um, hamsters please. Oh, hamsters. Oh, you're like this one. Let me guess first two words. Richard Gere. Hey, hey, airplane food.

Starting point is 00:14:58 Says Paul Rudd here. Sorry. So, woman. Is there a Rudd rumour? No. I mean I'm starting one now, but it's guinea pigs with him. They move like a... I did an advert once where they had two guinea pigs on the set. And then one of them ran away. Serious movers, guinea pigs. Oh yeah. And once I had one go into a sock, couldn't get it out, had to cut the sock apart. To get a guinea pig out? Yeah, would not come out. It liked it in that sock.

Starting point is 00:15:27 I think guinea... Or its reverse gear was broken. I like guinea pig gear. Thank you. I'm pro guinea pig over here. What? You didn't need to take a stand on that. Was anybody anti-guinea pig? Did I miss that?

Starting point is 00:15:42 Everyone wants hamsters, don't they? Do you know what? Hamsters aren't even a fucking real species. Fuck off! What does that mean? They love my hamster! Yeah, it's an animal of a type, but they're not sure it's sort of like a crossbreeder. What, they think it's a vegetable or something?

Starting point is 00:15:56 It's not a proper species of animal! What's a strange hill to die on? Is this your pro-guineaig propaganda that you're spreading now? It's like down with hamsters, guinea pigs are us. Are you getting a hamster out of your pocket right now? And a guinea pig, you're going to fight. Listen, here's the story. Woman takes dead hamster Spud, I stay with the hamster, on tour of Europe because Spud

Starting point is 00:16:19 loved travelling. A woman has travelled more than 1,500 miles with her pet hamster. Oh well, she took her out to his ashes and took him on a tour of his favourite places. Lisa, 47, carried Spud in a vial around her neck to some of Europe's most recognisable sites, including the Louvre and Buckingham Palace. And she said she couldn't go out during lockdown and Spud died during lockdown. And so now she's taking Spud around the world in ashes around her neck. You've got a little cake with them hamster actresses?

Starting point is 00:16:50 Very Korean, I think. Very Asian hamster and guinea pig, isn't it? She said, It's a nice warm feeling that we're still travelling together. I have a sense that he's still present on our adventures. Whenever we travelled, I made sure his necklace was on view. The locket hangs so he's just above my heart. And then, you know what she said? What?

Starting point is 00:17:07 Can I please have my £2000 for doing this? Because I'm a shameless piece of shit. Oh, fuck you and your stupid vial of fuck off. You attention-seeking little... I'm blaming whoever wrote the articles. It led with, woman takes Habster around the world. Oh, by the way, it's dead. Yeah, and into the tube. And cremated. In your neck. You know what I mean? blaming whoever wrote the articles it led with woman takes hamster around the world oh by the way it's dead yeah and it's the

Starting point is 00:17:25 cremated in your neck and I mean I'm a man takes jewelry around the world unusual pendant goes yeah I want to know how the how why do you think the name was sport where do you think the name sport came from I don't know maybe she just fed it chips or something I want a niche diet for hamsters. I want to know how it wants to, she knew that it liked the world. Did she just show like, wish you were here or something? I think it's because, yeah, I think it's like Judith Chalmers. Spud was a big fan of Judith Chalmers and travel documentaries.

Starting point is 00:17:58 Big fan of Michael Palin's Around the World in 80 Days. How the fuck did they get that through customs though? I mean seriously. It's just a pen around the neck, they probably. Yes. How the fuck did they get that through customs though? I mean, seriously. I think it's just a pen around the neck. They probably didn't even talk about it. But she said that they described it as a vial, which would imply that you can see the contents. Oh really?

Starting point is 00:18:12 I thought it was blood in it. It's just a little bit of ash. Oh, ash. Fluids are the problem. Yeah, it's true, I suppose. Blezer has spent drugs related. Hamster's all right. Guinea pig, bit big.

Starting point is 00:18:22 Perhaps she had to tip some out into a little bin. Yeah. Put it in a little clear bag. The hamster's alright. Guinea pig, bit big. Perhaps she had to tip some out. There's a little bin. Put it in a little clear bag. Put one out for Spud everyone. The hamster bin. Put it in a soft shake. Just do that. Can I make a little... Guess why the name's called Spud.

Starting point is 00:18:35 Because that's how it died. What? It was eaten along... It was baked potato day. Right. Where's my hamster? At least I made loads of money off Metro. That shameless piece of crap rag.

Starting point is 00:18:47 So you think she named the hamster? It went two years, whatever it was, then it died, then she decided to name it. Hang on. That's a great idea. The answer is because her favourite film is Trainspotting and that's one of the character's names. Is that actually true? Wait, the hamster's got a favorite TV show and a favorite film. Yeah. And he loves traveling. No, the woman Lisa likes, like,

Starting point is 00:19:09 you're getting confused. It's the hamster that likes traveling and seeing the world, but Lisa just likes the film train stopping. I just think when two people have such different interests it's nice that they can still find a common ground. And the hamster loved heroin as well. Yeah. So it's the Ewan Bremner named hamster. Yeah. And she spent £7,500 on the journey. Wow. Well, to be fair, she was just going on holiday and taking something with her.

Starting point is 00:19:35 Yeah. So I mean... Yeah. She got a newspaper to fund her holiday. The shamelessness of it. Well, I don't know if she funded the holiday. I bet she did. I bet you get at least £10,000 for a story like that. No chance, not with the crap. They probably just copied it off

Starting point is 00:19:48 somebody else. A few hundred quid maybe. Gave somebody three pence. Chris, do you want to hear this last story? Do you want to hear rats or bollocks? Rats or bollocks? What about farters? It's got to be bollocks isn't it? Oh yeah, farters. Sorry, farters, bollocks or rats. I'll stick on bollocks please. Right bollocks. Now this is'll stick on bollocks please. Right, bollocks. Now this is for the men listening obviously right now. The newest beauty obsession for men sounds quite painful. Blokes are having Botox in their bollocks to make them look plumper and younger.

Starting point is 00:20:16 Wow. That doesn't sound like a good thing to do. What? Do you know what the product's called? This is why a part of my brain thinks this is a load of shit. Botox? It's called Scrotox. Ah.

Starting point is 00:20:26 Mmm. At Graxton Industries products. Sounds like a planet from June. Ha ha ha. That's the spice. We do not travel to Scrotox Prime. So it's a botulium toxin that is injected into the testicles and gives the skin a smoothing

Starting point is 00:20:45 effect that makes them appear plumper and younger. If you look at how stretchy your sack is, how... Mine particularly. Mine particularly. I mean, I'll do it. It's coming out of your sock, mate. How big would you have to make it to smooth out all those wrinkles? I mean, surely...

Starting point is 00:21:03 The easiest thing would just be to get a little elastic band, pull back all the skin a little bit and then wrap the band around it and then you've got this cool... Like pigtails! Like photo shoots for shirts when they click back on them. Yeah! Yeah! My scrotal clips, eh? That's a great website. I think there's a business opportunity here.

Starting point is 00:21:22 Non-surgical scrotal pegs. Oh. It's the word peg. That's sold it for me. Yeah. They click around the thigh or something, wouldn't it? Would you get it done? Would you get it done?

Starting point is 00:21:32 Maybe, yeah. Look, if it was discreet, over trousers, under trousers. Does your wife say, it's a peg, a peg, a peg. Oh, dude. That'd be an excellent thing, wouldn't it? Imagine we'd evolved clothing so that there was a... Men had a bollock cleavage and so you showed the top and it had a little collar just to tease. And then there'd be some point.

Starting point is 00:21:55 V-neck trousers, V-neck cut on these. Yeah, that V-neck thing is just like, oh, lovely cleavage on those nads. I reckon there's people listening to this going, yeah, that happens at the club I go to. This is, to me, happens at the club I go to. This is to me, I know this, I don't want to come across. What don't you want to come across, Ely? A tight pair of smooth bollocks. The vanity, it's suggestive to me of, you know, LBG gay men.

Starting point is 00:22:18 Would be more interesting. Like the wack you gave up on them. Too many letters. I forgot the initials. Amen! You sound like a Daily Mail journalist. Oh fuck off. I knew you would. It's a bad point.

Starting point is 00:22:30 Anyway, it's the vanity of that. Oh get this. Come on. The guy who is now going around boosting this craze is Scottish actor Alan Cumming. Ah! Ah! I bet he is. Guys.

Starting point is 00:22:43 Yeah. So Nightcrawler? This is his put the X, it's a bit of a different light to me. Sackcrawler. He said he went to a dermatologist after finding some dots on his balls and was told it was a normal part of scrotal aging. God, that's a sad sentence to hear. Scrotal aging. It's got Star Wars characters.

Starting point is 00:23:01 Some men come in and they want to get Botox injected into their testicles and the procedure is called Scrotox. I hate these articles because they have to scroll past them because they repeat themselves so often. So it's into the testicles to make the actual spheres larger. It's like fattening them up to pull the skin back. It doesn't fatten the spheres. It's just loosening the skin I think. You don't want it loose though do you? Surely that'll look older. Yes famously it gets longer and longer as the life goes on. Do you want to plump them up really? I wouldn't want to plump them up.

Starting point is 00:23:31 Who cares? You know what? If I've got to that point with someone where they're going to see my sack, I don't care. No. You pass the point of no return at that point. If that's going to break the deal, I don't want to be intimate with them. If that's going to break the deal, that don't want to be intimate with them. If that's going to break the deal, I'll say, that was a bit baggy. I mean, what?

Starting point is 00:23:48 The vanity and stupidity of this. It's always in your pants. Maybe just put a little kind of, I don't know, veil in front of it. If you're an adult film star or something, then maybe, yes. If you're making a living off the turdidity of your scrotum, fine. Or turn it into like a balloon animal kind of thing. Yeah. Maybe treat the penis.

Starting point is 00:24:08 You know what I mean? It's a thing isn't it? Just to end this bit it says beyond looks, scrotox also has therapeutic benefits for certain medical conditions including chronic testicle pain and excessive sweating. Okay absolutely fine. Absolutely fine. But I saw a program about weird fetishes once and this guy had gone way too far with enlarging his nuts. I was about to say

Starting point is 00:24:30 I've not I remember reading about it afterwards yeah it was very distressing though basically you know silicon filler yeah yeah not like the stuff you would do around the around the shower or something medical silicone you know, and just injecting it into his ballsack. I haven't seen the image, thank Christ. It's literally like a space hopper. Yeah, your own personal space hopper. With a wheelbarrow in front. Also, Wales, you remember I was in that play, Whale Nation? Oh God, yeah. It was contemporary dance along to a poem that I was one of the readers of. And we toured, went to Glastonbury, um, not the festival, the town and did it

Starting point is 00:25:11 there and a whole chapter about whale sex. And I mean, it's something, it really is something you could swim. A scuba diver could swim down a blue whale's knob. Biggest penis in the animal world. Well, I don't know about sperm whales, but blue ones. Does that mean that the hole's big enough? I can't imagine the hole's that big to swim down. Mate, it's flipping big. It's the largest creature who ever existed.

Starting point is 00:25:40 We need to crowdfund somebody to do this. The urethra swimmer. Who's going to be the man? That's the top work, bro. The urethra swimmer. Who's going to be the man? That's the top work, bro. Support against that experience. Come with us. Well that's your articles then for this week. We'll see you next week. Bye everyone. Now we're going to move on to the next segment of the show. Right, ladies and gentlemen, we are doing a Bauschens reunion. I thought, what could we do to keep the joy of those days that we savoured? What can bring that back?

Starting point is 00:26:11 What can bring that feeling back? And I thought, what about we do some bars versus hens? But not just that, but we're going to mash it with a price of shite and new bet as well. So what's going to happen is Barry and Stuart are going to play three rounds of three different games. You two, Ryan, Chris, you're going to be gaining your own points by one, placing a bet on who you think will win. So you've got to do say that Barry will win this or Stuart will win this and then guessing the price of the item that they're playing. Right? Yeah. And you will be playing for Pertwings. Eli, explain Pertwings.

Starting point is 00:26:43 Pertwings in Cheap Show are what are known as petwings, which means they are points. One petwing equals one point in any other game show. There's no, you can't, there's no rounding up or rounding down. They are what they are. There's no half points. In pointless, one petwing is actually eight point five of those pointless points. Yeah, but this is just a one to one ratio aspect. Actually, and blockbusters. Yeah, we're not going off blockbusters. Each petwing is one point seven blockbuster points. Yeah, but this is just a one to one ratio. Actually, and blockbusters. Yeah, we're not going off. Each between is one point seven blockbuster points.

Starting point is 00:27:09 You're making it sound like it's the test club club club code. Tesco club card. No, sorry. Come again. Pertwings are points. Alan Cumming. Well, you fucking did. Pertwings are points. Alan Cumming. Whale fucking did. Pertwings are points here on Cheap Show. And you're gonna be playing for Pertwings and you two will be playing for bars versus hens.

Starting point is 00:27:32 They're precious things. A lot of people go through their whole life, their whole podcast listening life, and then they never get awarded a Pertwing. Never. Not a single solid tree Pertwing. It's a terrible, terrible thing to go without. If you get a Pertwing, I want you to hold it under your wing.

Starting point is 00:27:48 Hold that wing under your between. Keep it warm. And perhaps the between will hatch and blossom. So we have three games today. Ay, yi, yi! He said between under his breath. No, fuck off, house. Get out. Sorry.

Starting point is 00:28:04 You don't come in here besperched between. No I said it would hatch into a betwang. No. Betwang? No. We don't know what it hatches into. You're actually offending our belief system. I'm very sorry. I've got so many betwinks. Watched up!

Starting point is 00:28:20 None of them have hatched. Alright, okay. I'm not doing very well today, Paul. So, we have three games, right? Three bars versus hens. We have got a game called the sock game. And then we have a Pac-Man game. And then we have a game called Get a Grip. And we're going to give those a go. And you two will be guessing the price of the items

Starting point is 00:28:45 and which one Barry or Stuart will win. So am I right in thinking, Paul? We have two parallel face-offs going on. Yes. Ooh, we've got Barry versus Stuart, Ryan versus Chris. Yeah. So I'm going to need two separate game columns of two columns each. You're going to need to be on your game to keep these scores.

Starting point is 00:29:04 I need four columns. Is that what you're saying? Four columns. Four candles? Four candles? Andals for columns? Oh no. Four combs. I've got something to say. What? Fork off. Fork off, Paul. The Archbishop of Banterbury has returned. off Paul. The Archbishop of Bantabria has returned. Here is the first game, it is called the sock game. Barry, Stuart, I have two socks, two very long, very very long socks and inside each sock there is... I'm not even joking, I was naked the other day and this wasn't too dissimilar to what I saw getting changed. It was a sobering experience. Inside each sock are the exact same items, right?

Starting point is 00:29:52 So whatever's in this sock is in this sock, right? And those items are things like a poker chip, a golf tee, a plectrum, a cork, a letter tile from like a Scrabble thing, a bolt, a draft piece, a tiny little plastic pig, a hotel, tiny little Monopoly hotel, a nut, elastic band, etc etc etc. What's going to happen is I'm going to spin this wheel, it's going to land on an item, and it's basically simple, you reach into the sock and you fish around for it, the first one to pull it out wins. Sounds good, yeah.

Starting point is 00:30:20 And you're allowed to put both hands in the sock? Just one hand. You can only have one hand Well, the one needs to support the pouch underneath. You know, use the other hand to support the pouch. And if you were stuck, I'd recommend definitely doing that, because otherwise they're all chasing away from you. Yeah. It's a lot harder than you think this game. I will say that.

Starting point is 00:30:38 Paul says that because I owned him so hard when we played this. It was incredible. Are there any razor blades? Well, there's a knitting needle in there and a broken piece of glass. Small furry animals. Really angry rat. An angry rat.

Starting point is 00:30:54 Yeah. Right, yeah, let's do it. So before we get going yet, now we have to go over to Chris and Ryan. Ryan, now they're going to do three rounds of this. And the winner will be the one over both, you know, over the three rounds. Yeah, best of three. Yeah, now they're going to do three rounds of this and the winner will be the one over both, you know, over the three rounds. So with that in mind, who do you think will win this? Stuart or Barry?

Starting point is 00:31:12 Oh, I think... Go with your heart, right? Oh, go with your heart. In that case, I think Barry will win. Oh, oh. Stuart or Taylor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, that's it, yeah. So Ryan is saying that Barry will win this first one. Predicting Barry.

Starting point is 00:31:29 Yeah. Chris, where do you stand? I know this goes against where we normally end up with bars for your hands, but I just feel like the baking dexterity is going to give Barry an advantage. Yep. That's it. Also, Stuart is used to handling small pieces of tat. Do you have this game?

Starting point is 00:31:44 I mean, he is an absolute master of handling tat Both of them gone for Barry though. Can I vote for Stuart? Inside dealing kind of thing. Yeah, just remembering the scores from before when we used to play his uh, so just to be uh, Absolutely clear you're both predicting Barry to win this, this manipulating small objects game. Yes. And now I need to ask you what you think the price of this game is. I got it from a charity shop about a year or two ago now. I will say it's under a fiver, but that's all I will say for it.

Starting point is 00:32:19 Am I allowed to see the spinny disc? Yeah, you can have a look. Shall we have a look? Let's look together and see. Is it just, it's quite thick card? Are these licensed pieces of Monopoly? Do you know what? I think they are actually, because this is sourced of all the kind of weird bits of knickknacks that need to fill out the socks.

Starting point is 00:32:33 So, but how much do you think this game costs? I would say a solid 250. 250, says Chris. Now, the important thing about guessing here is that, if you get the price spot on, you going to get two Pertwings. If you're out within 25p either way of the actual price that's just the one Pertwing but it's still a worthy Pertwing. So Chris says £2.50, Ryan. I am going to say £3.75. £3.75 for Ryan. Right, now we're back to Stuart and Barry.

Starting point is 00:33:08 You could make this game yourself quite easily. Oh yeah, no you could. What a waste of fucking money. Yeah. I mean, you're right, you could, but what I like about this is it kind of gets rid of all the fuss of having to look around the house with bits of shit to put in the sock. I'm finding two of each as well. Barry, you should make an edible version of this game.

Starting point is 00:33:21 Oh yeah. What would the sock be made of? Liquorish. Oh, liquorish. Yeah, What would the sock be made of? Uh, liquorice. Oh, liquorice. Yeah. Pigs' socks. Haggis. Haggis.

Starting point is 00:33:31 Reach into the fucking guts of a sheep. Yeah. What about Alan Cummings' discarded scrotum? Yeah, perfect. Well, how many botoxes can you do before it just withers off? It's one way to find out. That's a great name for it, isn't it? Come in, Alan.

Starting point is 00:33:49 Right, so we're going to do round one now. I'm going to spin and I'll go three, two, one, then you reach in, okay? I don't want any touching. Yeah, no fish. We can cup? Yeah, you can cup. You can cup lightly, but I don't want the ends of your fingers touching the end before the thing is announced.

Starting point is 00:34:07 Barry's right in there. Yeah, right in there. Yeah, sorry. Right, I'm going to spin it now. And the item you are going to be looking for in this round is a bouncing ball. Three, two, one. Oh, sorry. Barry had his hand right up the sock. We believed in you, you cheating bastard.

Starting point is 00:34:29 I'm in the shopping centre again, I'm sorry. Right, to even this out, I'm gonna say go to Stuart first, wait a bit at half a second, then you can reach in, all right? Sorry, should we just enter the top of the sock at the same time? You're so stupid! Oh, can I change my guess? No, no.

Starting point is 00:34:47 I'm gonna say three, two, one, Stuart. And then I'll say Barry. It's like that it is. Yeah. Like the, uh, Three, two, one, Stuart. Barry, go. And they're fishing around inside.

Starting point is 00:34:57 They've reached down deep into the sock. Oh, Barry's got it out. That's not bouncy, is it? It's- Hey! Hey! Yes! Yes! This is the bouncy ball. That's the ping pong ball. It does bounce.

Starting point is 00:35:08 No, but that's my bouncy ball. Oh, I'm gone. Oh balls. That's a point to Stuart. Clear and simple. Oh, you know what? There is a difference between ping pong balls. I was going to say, cause they found a ping pong ball on their way.

Starting point is 00:35:24 So yeah, clear and simple. Oh, you know what? No, there is a difference between ping pong. I was gonna say, I found a ping pong ball on the way. We have adjudicated and it has fallen onto Stuart's favour. Okay, sorry guys. Put the item back in the bag. Ryan, you're really into this. Wow. It's not gonna get much better. Sorry. It's the best final game in weeks. I could have told you it was going to win. Are the items back in? Right, round two, spinning the thing. Here we go.

Starting point is 00:35:50 Spinning it, spinning it, spinning it. What has it landed on this time? Wait for the countdown, everybody. Elastic band, all right. Three, two, one, sock. And they're fishing inside the sock again. No, no, no, no. You wait, you wait, you hurry. Oh, who's going to pull it out? It's going to sock again. No, no, no, no, no. You wait, you wait, you hurry.

Starting point is 00:36:05 Oh, Sue's gonna pull it out. It's gonna be quick. Oh, hey! Barry, Barry! No, I haven't even found mine. Does it bounce, does it bounce? Well played, yeah. It bounces.

Starting point is 00:36:12 Well played, Barry, Barry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I raise a point here? I can't even find it still. I couldn't help but notice when both of the socks lie dormant on each competitor's laps that Stuart had his hand on the sock and Barry did not. Oh well either way he came ahead.

Starting point is 00:36:26 He said you could cup it. He still came ahead with the points so I'm going to let it lie. Wow. Wow. I've never seen you so animated. Right final round. No no. I never did find the best of it.

Starting point is 00:36:40 I need to return this. Oh shit it was at the top. Oh no wait there's a hairband. Oh well. Should we try and get it? No never found it. Close it off. That was so far away. It needs to be in there. return oh shit it was at the top sorry during the hold once you once you've started but no pre cupping yeah no pre pre-cut different to what you said once you start either way Because it's one one. I'm gonna let it go by we all obey the rules Ambiguous rules then for the depends on clarifying helps you win or not really at this point doesn't it?

Starting point is 00:37:20 I'm not gonna touch it until you say here is the third and final item I'm spinning the wheel now. And it's spinning and it's spinning and it's landing on... Please wait for the countdown everybody. Right, you are going to be fishing for a tiny little Monopoly hotel. Right, three, two, one, sock! And they're reaching into the sock on this third and final round. It's two and one each to each of them.

Starting point is 00:37:42 But who will find that little tiny house first and pull it out the sock But they're fishing around it's like watching two old men in the park Yeah, I guess they couldn't use the red one for you, but that is the one on the car Are we sure yeah, that is the one that's the only one like you both got yeah one It's been 95 years But I can safely say that Barry has won round one of bars versus hens, which means Ryan gets the rubber band.

Starting point is 00:38:28 So does Chris. We both get the rubber band. I just want to see if he's got anything in there. I'm sure there is. No, there's nothing in there. You see there's loads of stuff in there. Tiny foot, little house. Yeah, there's proof in the pond.

Starting point is 00:38:38 There's a little thing on the floor, so don't move all that. But is there an actual rubber band? It's got really busy in there. There's loads of stuff going in there. Yeah, there's proof in the pond. There's a little thing on the floor, so don't lose all that. But is there actual rubber bands? It's got really busy in there. There's loads of stuff going in there. There's a lot. Right, now I just need to warn a certain member of the Barshens team. Yeah. Ryan. Hello. No mocking of the points system because you will get put one ish that's a new one

Starting point is 00:39:06 that's a new wrinkle right so a point to Barry, do you not have a rubber band in there? there is no rubber band in my room there was a hair band which is similar there wasn't one in mine either you have to bring your own

Starting point is 00:39:22 what are we going to do about that? moving on. We're moving on. Oh, the victory is tarnished. It's not really considering our track record. If anything, this is slightly above average. Chris, do you want to mock the Pertwing or just want to accept it? I would like to accept it, please.

Starting point is 00:39:38 Right. So, I wasn't being facetious, was it? It's a Pertwing. Pertwing. Pertwing. Pertwing. P Betwing's the thing. Eli, for you, Eli, I need you to...

Starting point is 00:39:50 Barry won that first bars versus Hens. Ryan got the point. And now, a betwing for the prize. Sorry, we both got a point. Did you say Barry as well? Yes, they both said Barry. Fair enough. I wouldn't have voted for myself, can't believe it. Very good, very well done. So how much did Chris say for the game? I think I said 250. Chris said 250.

Starting point is 00:40:11 And Ryan, how did you say? £3.75. I can tell you now that the price was £3.50 so Ryan gets a Pertwing. One Pertwing for you there Ryan because you are within 25p of the price there. And it's now time to move on to our second game! Which means Ryan has got the most between so far overall. And Barry is leading in the Bars vs Hens battle off. He certainly is. Well, I'm so thrilled! Oh, I can't fucking wait for the next one! Hunt back well whale that was.

Starting point is 00:40:50 Right, it is round two of Bars vs Hens and this one is a game called Get a Grip. And it's a game where you do challenges during doing drawings or sculpting or activities. But the trick is your thumb has been bound to your palm, so you have to do everything without your thumb. So I've put a little patch on Stuart and a little one on Barry and all they can do is use their four fingers, right? With that being said, we now move, it's a very simple game, we'll get into the rules in a minute, but Ryan, who's going

Starting point is 00:41:23 to win this, Barry or Stuart? Who's the most dexterous, do you think, without a thumb? That is a wonderful question and I will answer it for you now. Yes. I think, going from what I've seen before of his reviewing of things, I think Stuart's better at picking lots of things up in one go. It's a wise... Because Barry is also clumsy, isn't that right Barry? Yeah, yeah. There's no socks on this, is there?

Starting point is 00:41:44 No, not today. Damn sockless chap. OK, so we have Ryan's prediction. He predicts Stuart will win this round. Chris, moving to you, please. Just thinking the interests are keeping a bit of jeopardy. I'll go with Barry then. Wow, fancy having me.

Starting point is 00:41:58 What's the fun in that? Let's go down together, man. Chris, no edge bullock. How about that? But smooth. Yes no edge bullock. How about that? But smooth. Chris Ox, Chris Tox. I don't know what I'm doing. So now the price, how much do you think I got this? Now to be fair this one came in a PO box but I have two other versions of this that have been sent to us and one of them I have bought and I can tell you the price is once again under £5 for this but Chris will start with you. How much do you think Get a Grip cost me in a charity shop?

Starting point is 00:42:28 Oh it's quite a lot of bits isn't it? Three quid. Three quid and Ryan? Three quid on the nose. It's quite a lot of bits but I also thought it was brand new as well. You had to open the something from Sellefaini. So I think... But is the money bought brand new? Yeah you see. He's the money bought brand new. Yeah, you see. Hmm, I'm going to say four pounds. No, I will not. I will say 450 English pennies. 450 English pennies, good to know.

Starting point is 00:42:56 I'm locking that in for you now, Ryan, okay. Shoo! Whomp, whomp, whomp, whomp, whomp, whomp. Why does your lock have a base? I've got a dubstep lock, yeah. Right. I've got vapor wave handlebars. It's like Ghostbuster vibes on the designers,

Starting point is 00:43:21 isn't it? Yeah, I noticed that as well. Oh, Paul, this is something interesting that you know. Is it? What is that sign called? The no? It's actually got a number that I can't remember right now, but it's something like,

Starting point is 00:43:33 it's something like O stroke something three, five, six. It's something like that officially, the name of that code. I don't have it to have. The code name for that type of sign. But effectively it's a no entry sign, isn't it? Effectively. Well, it's a no whatever's in the circle. Yeah. No this. And triangles are usually warnings. Do you know? Yeah. They are. Don't you squint your eyes at me as if to say that. Sounds like bollocks.

Starting point is 00:43:55 Well no it's not bollocks it's just I drive so obviously. The driving theory test. Yeah. And most triangles are warnings. Be careful of, look out for I'm disappointed rocks. I'm just men and umbrellas I'm disappointed that doesn't actually have a sort of actual cock in a hand and it says Don't wank. No get a grip. Don't get it. I don't know. Whoa, I'm sorry slow down I've noticed there's a whole species of I've noticed there's a whole species of sign in Haringey which are, you know, telling people not to do things and stuff, not to park, but they're all from the 70s, so all of the silhouettes inside these signs are well 70s, there's like no ball games and it's got like, it looks like the silhouette of like George Best, and then there's got no walking.

Starting point is 00:44:43 You know George Best and then there's got no walking. No George Best. And it's got no walking and it's some guy's got flares like Cuban heels that you know strutting like a like minder or something. It's true they have never updated them. They never update them. They're really culturally specific to the 70s. The car looks like a Morris Miner or something and the dogs look like Moomin dogs. That's not a 70s thing the dog's face is badly rendered in the silhouette that's all. Where is that in London is it? Yes. I think it's everywhere.

Starting point is 00:45:11 I don't know, he's always the Flair's guy. You know the Flair's guy, I think he's a bit more widespread. Do you know the Flair's guy? There is like a more neutral one as well you see more often isn't there but the Flair's guy does still exist. I love that Flair's flares we need to we need a map like a Google Maps overlay of where flares guy is yes I want to actually record and document these 70s silhouette signs great stuff what you were doing so here's a great blank great blank something great white something sports something so you just thought you'd spend more time taking the piss out of me doing it than me actually doing it and you get to get away with it? Look at the toilet spoon.

Starting point is 00:45:49 Uh, hypno toilet spoon. I do as your command. Go to the toilet. No, not here. Right, ready for the next game. I think that's buoyed everyone. I've just put a brown full stop in my pants right the first thing you're gonna do without your thumb is called the button

Starting point is 00:46:12 up challenge right and what you're gonna need to do is you need to stand up for this I think and I'm gonna give you a minute and you've got a minute to button up as many of your shirt buttons as possible without your thumb and I can tell and I can say to the listeners at home they have the original Barshens shirts on. Oh yeah they do. Light blue shirts. Barry has the three bars and Stuart has the hens. Can I just interject for the sake of being overly competitive my client has his shirt much more open than Barry right now. It's gonna be standing up? They're going to be standing up?

Starting point is 00:46:45 I'll flail. All right. You didn't tell me that. Well, you didn't get me to the point. Well, were you ever going to get to that point? Ryan, can I just... Ryan, betweens don't actually mean anything in real life. It's okay.

Starting point is 00:46:57 It's okay to lose this. It wouldn't have any impact whatsoever. Although, to be fair, the loser of today's show will be spanked with Eli's wooden hypno spoon. I vote Barry. Barry's gonna win. I think this is gonna be really hard. I'm in the other room.

Starting point is 00:47:11 I can't do it, it's very fun. I've got the toilet spoon. Toilet spoon. Toilet spoon. So, so do you think, who do you think is gonna win this then? I still think Stuart. Stuart, so he's gonna say Stuart. We've done this bit already.

Starting point is 00:47:24 Oh yeah, we have. Do you know Kim Newman was in there with that? I don't care about what the Hoy Ploy film critical reviewer had to say. He was there, they were discussing horror films. I don't give a fuck what those two think. And Mark Kamo. That's what I'm saying. I don't give a fuck about their opinions.

Starting point is 00:47:37 Mark Kamo likes the Exorcist, which to me, paint him as a dullard. I am on. There he is. Kim Newman apparently holds parc parties that are quite dull. One of the most effective pieces of filmmaking. You said this. Right, so you two need to stand up. Await for the microphone, you'll be fine for this.

Starting point is 00:47:52 I can't even do this with two hands. Oh, this is exciting. Right. Right, we're filming this as well. Somewhere the footage will be. Ew. Right? Okay.

Starting point is 00:48:03 So you can't use your other hand at all? You can't use your other hand. You have one hand to do as many buttons. Yeah. You have as many. You have a minute to do it. If you get one button and the other one gets none, it still counts. Yeah, but you've still got to get one button. Yeah, I could do it. How could I do it? You can use your gut as well to press against it. That's what I do. I get it, I get it. How could I do it? You can use your gut as well to press against it. Oh, you have a thumb!

Starting point is 00:48:24 That's what I do. Oh, it's my bastard shot. You stop it. I'm trying to have a go. We're just joining in, it's solidarity. Oh, don't. I don't want any solidarity at all. Ready, Eli, we're gonna kick it off in three, two, one.

Starting point is 00:48:37 Button up, you got a minute. Here we go. Oh no, this is very hard. Have we got a tactic? No. This is ridiculous. It is ridiculously hard but they're going for it now. They can use the other hand.

Starting point is 00:48:51 No, they can't. They can't do it. They have to use one hand only to button up as many as possible. You have 30 seconds left. We look like we're just fondling ourselves. Oh, it's nice. Oh, it's nice Come on you nearly there to do a button Who's done it anyone done a button yet? We got 20 seconds left on the clock. We're looking for an button 19 we get an bullet. Oh, he's getting so close

Starting point is 00:49:22 Is it is it almost close? We have 12 seconds left now on the clock for any to do a boy eight seven six five four three No points there no points there. That was really hard. Try it at home folks. I'm... Sit back down. You can stand down. Unfortunately none of you got a button pressed.

Starting point is 00:49:54 I can't award a point for that. So it all depends on this next round. He's done it. Ryan's done it. You got child sized duplo buttons for baby hands. So take a seat. Softer top as well. Can we remove the gloves? No, you got one more round. This is going to be the clincher now. So I'm just going to put this on your lap. You're going to need this as a table because weirdly this almost becomes

Starting point is 00:50:20 a plasticine king thing now. Oh, so a kind of bonus get a grip version of Plastocene King. So I'm going to give you a little dollop of Play-Doh or whatever it is. Nice. I don't know what you're referring to there. Is that a game that I was never around for? Yeah, no, you weren't there for the king. Do you have the sky was a king expert. Why didn't you ever get me in for that?

Starting point is 00:50:40 You always like later filming or something, weren't you? Right, so I've kept this one simple, right? You're gonna have a minute, once again, to build something with your one hand without the thumb, right? But I didn't do anything too complicated. What you've got to do now is sculpt, and it says here, an angry snowman. So somehow... Well, it's red, red plastic plasticine so that's good. Is it more like Play-Doh?

Starting point is 00:51:07 It is. Does it have a smell? Yeah it does. Ooh it smells a bit off as well though. Asian savory vibes. What do you think of that smell Ryan? Is it toothsome? It smells almost new.

Starting point is 00:51:23 It's almost yeasty Sniff my yeast So this is good So Ryan who do you think will create the bestest bestest better? angry snowman using one hand oh I know film. I'm going to back Stewart again. I think I think she's got this Okay, Ryan predicts Stewart. I think this is again a quite a bakery kind of thing. So I'll go I don't need to write any new life

Starting point is 00:51:54 You have one minute with one hand to make as best you can an angry snowman No, put that's 59 seconds on there. I can see from there snowman no put that's 59 seconds on there I can see from there you fucking sheep! I just accidentally, I wouldn't have accepted before I kicked it off anyway I know but you're sloppy, you're shoddy, you're sloppy and shoddy, you're slack and slack you hang low and your balls are wrinkled, you swing to and fro your balls clack like 70s toys clicky clacky clacky clackers they banned those didn't they yeah too many

Starting point is 00:52:25 black eyes did they ban them yeah they hurt you shattered and hurt what about the ones from Cartoon 2 the older little drum in it oh yeah I saw this film sure brothers five elements ninjas you got you have to say don't think I've seen. I watched Boxers Omen recently. Yeah, no, this shit's on Boxers Omen.

Starting point is 00:52:50 It's pretty fucking out. No, this has got much better fight scenes than Boxers Omen. Boxers Omen is some terrible stock footage telling people to visit Thailand. And then and then it's got some kind of bat skeleton. And also, Bota's Ooma's got all these bits with people biting the ass of a chicken and then spitting and stuff and that was really horrible. I don't remember that.

Starting point is 00:53:13 Coming to Netflix. Shut up. They're going to do some snowmen. I'm going to count to three, two, one, and then you'll make your angry snowman. You've got a minute to do so. Three, two, one, one build and they're off What I might do is I might call the plasticine King to judge which one does the best one I'll do slide. Did you know I'll just call him He's like can you go get me a drink, please? All right. Oh, yeah, go get him a drink then

Starting point is 00:53:40 Thank you. All right, and I'll be like plasticine What what's the king of plasticine once, wasn't he? What? Wasn't Ash the king of plasticine? No, he was more the duke of Doe. I can get you a glass of water. Yeah. That'd be lovely, thank you.

Starting point is 00:53:51 Chris, drink water? Oh, sure. Are you actually doing this seriously? Because I mean, there's water just there. I mean, I think Ryan is being serious. I thought it was just to get you out of the room. It's just next to get rid of you to bring the character of the plasticine king in.

Starting point is 00:54:00 All right, I'll go then. I'll beat you. Oh no. Can I have a glass of water please? You have 15 seconds left to put together an angry snowman. 10 seconds. I would spend more time confusing like what you were doing with your fake character.

Starting point is 00:54:21 I just want to bring the water free for me. All right, now you're a train station announcer. That's it. Stop. Put your snowmen down as they are. Oh, who's this? Why, it's the Plasticine King. Harumph. LAUGHTER

Starting point is 00:54:37 He's back. Hey, I know this is more Play-Doh than Plasticine King, but since you're here, could you pass your judgement on these two builds? Er... I suppose so. Yes? though than Plasty King, but since you're here, could you pass your judgement on these two builds? I suppose so. Yes? We have basically, you were told to one handed, one bat a thumb, build an angry snowman. So I'm going to show you now each one and you're going to judge which one is the winner, alright? Just one little question.

Starting point is 00:54:58 Education level of the snowman I'm looking for here. The education level is basically Masters, tops. Okay! The education level is basically Masters tops. Okay. Oh that passed muster then. So here is, I'm gonna take a picture of this for the internet, so don't smash it yet. But here is Barry's, I don't know what this is, but it looks like something that hatches

Starting point is 00:55:15 from John Hurt's chest. Oh that looks, I like that. Bit of a poo in there. It's a bit of a gourd, it's a red dough. Everything you're seeing is made of just one colour, a red play dough type matter. He's angry because he's half melted and his face is on there looking upset and he's wearing his hat. That's that's the Even does music as well

Starting point is 00:55:36 Meant to be an angry snowman. Yes looks more like a Angry Embryo atop a snail. Do you like how his arms are still kind of like going I've got my arms still because they don't melt. He looks like he's in a straight jacket. Perhaps he's very angry. This is not without artistic merit, has to be said. I like the snail detail. It wasn't asked for though, was it? No. You could have, I think your efforts and mental resources should have been expended on making that Santa, is it Santa? Snowman.

Starting point is 00:56:14 The snowman, I don't fucking know. The snowman angrier and less snail. Fine, good to know. So, don't pass judgement until you've seen Stuart, so just put that there. Right, Stuart, pass me your effort. Oh, wow. I mean, oh, that looks terrible. Again, these were both made one-handed with no thumb.

Starting point is 00:56:35 Bear that in mind if you would. Oh, it toppled. It toppled. Very angry. Now. Yeah. Oh dear. It looks more like a duck. It does look like one of those ducks.

Starting point is 00:56:49 It looks like one of those ducks. The tubs are like. However, and what it. That's the afterbirth. It's a newly born snowman. OK. Snowman. Nice mustache. Unibrow opposition here going on.

Starting point is 00:57:04 Yeah, much more snowman likelike, has to be said. Damn. I went snowman. But which one are you going to give the point to? I'm going to have to give it to this because it is more like a snowman. In that case, Stuart. Is that okay? Can I go now?

Starting point is 00:57:16 Yeah, you can go now. Because I've got Markhamode, Kim Newman. Yeah. They're interested in what I do. What film could you possibly be interesting them with? Well, I've passed Plasticine King 1. Oh yeah, the origin story. The Snowman.

Starting point is 00:57:30 Plasticine King the first. Yeah. Fellowship of the Plasticine. Shall I get that Eli? Yeah, bring that little twat in. Oh no, that's Eli. Okay, well that works for you. So, Eli, put those down carefully.

Starting point is 00:57:44 I need to take pictures of them still, but sit back down. So, it's now... There's your water, Ryan. It's now... Oh, thank you. Hang on. Welcome back. Eli, Barry won the first one. Stuart's won this round. Okay, have you made the note of that?

Starting point is 00:58:00 I will. Hang on. No one won the first one, did they? No, Barry won it clear and straight. The bottom thing? Oh, with the... No, Barry won it clear and straight. The bottom thing? No, but that wasn't counted, it was all based on this one. I thought this was based on three. As a result, this was the round that earns the points. So Stuart now has won that particular round of card games.

Starting point is 00:58:16 Now for the price. Ryan said £450. £450, Ryan said? Yeah, £450. Chris said £3 on the nose. And Chris said £3 on the nose. And it was £3 on the nose. Pertwing, Pertwing! Holy shit! So Pertwing, Pertwing there. And who got points

Starting point is 00:58:34 for betting? Because they both bet. Ryan predicts Stuart. Oh, so that's a Pertwing for you? Chris predicts Barry. So you thought you'd count it all? Well, in fact, you're absolutely're absolutely right there Paul because Chris and Ryan are on three put wings each and it's also one between each for this It's all to play for Blow me Sparky Junker

Starting point is 00:58:59 Right onto the final round can we take the glove off? Onto the final round. Can we take the glove off? And the toilet spoon is broken. Eli broke the toilet spoon. Do da, do da. Eli broke the toilet spoon. Where will we shit now? My toilet spoon's got all flaky.

Starting point is 00:59:21 You have to poo on the spoon and then carry it to a bin. I can feel it. Out of the way, Mike. Hot stuff coming through. Anyway, we are playing our final bars versus hens game and it is called Pac-Man Magnetic Maze Game. Trap the ghosts before the ghosts trap you. This is a physical tomey toy where you play Pac-Man, he's got a little marble underneath him and with your tilt and tumble table and a joystick you move him around the maze collecting fruit one at a time and avoiding ghosts.

Starting point is 00:59:49 It's kind of that simple. It's a bit visual, but we're doing a video on this. It will be upon our YouTube channel. You can watch it there and have lots of locks and laughs. Can I ask one request? Yeah. Please say tilt and tumble table again. Tilt and tumble table.

Starting point is 01:00:01 Nice. Yes. Wonderful stuff. So, do you have a coin Eli? Fuck me! I mean that's a stupid question. Maybe I should never ask you if you have change on you. Just a toss to see who goes first. Fucking hell! Brian or... Yeah, he's got plenty. So who's going to go first? Brian or Samson? I'm just serious, I'm not giving you a coin, I've given you the token. I like it, I like it! Is it a trolley coin?

Starting point is 01:00:26 Oh, why is that trolley token? Trolley token! Oh, I like that, trolley token! Look, Paul is a token, trolley token! Token, trolley token! Right, so, before we go any further, Ryan... Does that work as a coin? Yes, for tossing it certainly is, yeah.

Starting point is 01:00:42 No, but it might be the same on both sides. That's what I was wondering. Oh, it's black. There is a head and there is a tail. Perfect. It's trolleys or nothing. Trolley or nothing. Trolley's on the board.

Starting point is 01:00:51 Trolley's or nothing. My ultimatum. I tell you what, let's toss this first, get out of the way. Barry, trolley or nothing. Trolley. Trolley. Do you want to go first or second? I'll go second.

Starting point is 01:01:02 Oh. Because I haven't. Because I haven't. With all that being said, who's going to win the Pac-Man Tilt and Tumble table game? Is it going to be Stuart or the Barry? Oh, if I recall from previous bars VHens, Barry was actually quite good at these games. However... I think you're remembering wrong.

Starting point is 01:01:17 I was very drunk. I think though this kind of thing is in Stuart's lifeblood, so I'm gonna say Stewart Okay, and how much do you think this game costs now? I will say this this is over five pound It was an eBay purchase, but no more than ten so I mean five and ten between five and ten I think it's only fair for this particular round we allow them to have fifty fifty P either way You got fifty P margin this time which means if you guess the guess the price within fifty P of the actual prize you get the full Between I'll be quite upset if it's not right at the upper echelons, you know. You still get two betweens on the nose though.

Starting point is 01:01:48 Two betweens on the nose. And this price isn't including postage or packaging. No, it's the actual item, right? It's the actual RP. I reckon, I reckon, I reckon, I reckon, do you know what I mean? Yeah, I reckon. I reckon about... Oh, wow, that is dead.

Starting point is 01:02:00 Oh, wow. A... I'm bored. Moving on to Chris. Hey, no! Come on, then. Can we just... All right, hey, hey, hey. How specific can I go? Er... A... Moving on to Chris! Hey! No! Come on then! Alright!

Starting point is 01:02:07 How specific can I go? Like a five year old at a theme park? My name's Paul, my personality's Ghostbusters! Some shimmering resentment! I'd like to say, my film series has a better track record than yours! But I think it's debatable! Yeah well, you're right! It's more like this at this point isn't it? Sorry yes.

Starting point is 01:02:28 How much is this? Between five and ten. I'm going to go eight fifty. Eight pound fifty you say right. Eight pound fifty you say. Now moving to you Chris, what would be your prediction on the prize? Who do you think is going to win though first? Barry or Stuart this time?

Starting point is 01:02:41 This game is classic Stuart. I've got to go with Stuart. You've got to go with Stuart there. Barry you are the odds on underdog here. Yeah no pressure now. Barry or Stuart this time? This game is classic Stuart. I've got to go with Stuart. I've got to go with Stuart. Barry, you are the odds on underdog. Oh, yeah. No pressure now. It's been released.

Starting point is 01:02:52 I'm just thinking of Kong Man, Skooled Skramble. What was the other one? Betting. Paul, no one likes that. What are you doing? That betting thing they do at the horses. Going underwater. Tic Tac, is that what it's called?

Starting point is 01:03:04 Tic Tac, Flip Flap? called? Tic tac? Flip flap? Paul you look like someone who turns up at an airport who's mental. Just give him some bats. Anyway how much do you think this is? Or the pilot as we used to call it. How much? How much? How much? I was gonna go eight but that's a bit close. Can you go eight? I'll go nine. Nine! Sorry, so it was Stuart for the prediction, yeah? Stuart's prediction and nine pounds for the price.

Starting point is 01:03:31 Yeah, nine pounds on the nose for the price. And it's an absolute steal at that because it's such a beautiful classic. It is, isn't it? I would happily pay nine, maybe even 10 pence for that. Right, so here's the deal. You've got one minute and 30 seconds to collect all, if you can, the points. Does he start in the corner? No, he starts in the deal. You've got one minute and 30 seconds to collect as all if you can the points.

Starting point is 01:03:46 Does he start in the corner? No, he starts in the corner, yeah. Paul, can I ask one thing? Yes. In the unlikely event of a draw, do you have a time breaker? I do. All right. Yes.

Starting point is 01:03:59 Get a grip round. OK, go on. Great. So Stuart is going first. OK. How long do I have? One minute and 30 seconds to collect as many as you can. If a ghost hits you, you put the token you're currently carrying back where you found it

Starting point is 01:04:13 and start in the corner where you began. But anything you bank beforehand without being molested by a ghost is yours to keep. Post-fantasmalization, does the ghost go back in his corner? Yes, everything gets reset when a ghost makes contact with Mr. Pac-Man. Alright? Even when you're back to the beginning though, with a collected token, wherever the creatures are they stay there. Alright?

Starting point is 01:04:34 Oh, this is like quite... yeah. This is tricky isn't it? So I'm going to actually take this off and film it this way. Are they on ball bearings? Yeah, there's a marble underneath the ghosts and the mobs, that's why they roll around the thing. Bloody clever, isn't it? Yeah. Really is. So this is the unstable table from Scrooble Scramble bearings? Yeah, there's a marble underneath the ghosts and the mobs, that's why they roll around and do this thing. Bloody clever, isn't it?

Starting point is 01:04:46 Yeah. Really is. Right, so we are... So this is the unstable table from Scramble Scramble. Ah. It's more like rock and roll maze. And you can see. Yeah, but also, yeah.

Starting point is 01:04:54 Oh, rock and roll maze. So I am now filming this. Eli, you're going to have to get one in commentary if and there you can. But we're going to start. Stuart's going first in three, two, one, begin! And blabla, blabla, blak, blak, blak, and he's... Oh, he's... And hello, you join us today at Pacman Games. 3, 2, 1, begin! And bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla and he's going for his second and he's got it but the red ghost a constant threat here the ghost is back in his corner and look he's he's he's brought

Starting point is 01:05:28 two he's brought two magic biscuits home and he's off he's after the third biscuit and he looks like he's gonna get it oh no! reset there and how many seconds does he have on the clock left he's got 50 seconds he's going he's going for that elusive third oh look the red ghost is coming at him the red ghost is coming right at him oh and he's hidden from the ghost always go and now he's trying to go still the ghost a constant threat and the green ghost there just eyeing him as he goes under the under the hoop and he's got he's a he has and he's just got to get this biscuit home he's got the

Starting point is 01:06:05 biscuit home he's scored full score 26 seconds left on the clock 26 seconds left on the clock so that means it was one minute and four seconds and Stuart scored a full full can you write one minute four seconds down for Stuart so we know what his time was please Please as we had over to Ryan and reset the pac-man board. We'll come again in action. Yeah What was that? I might have to get quite aggressive in this Why have you called Barry Ryan? Paul. Oh no. You can shut up that one for a start. Paul.

Starting point is 01:06:48 What's that number? That was supposed to have written down. And whose name was I putting next to it? He got a bit excited, that red one at the end, didn't he? He did. He's out of the way, but when you get to this one, he's a cheeky beggar. He's a pain in the arse, he's got to sneak up. Right, okay.

Starting point is 01:07:04 And it's time now for the second contestant here at the Pac-Man game testimonial here at St Andrews. And a bit of precipitation in the air. Oh look, it's a duck. Okay. Wait, ready? In three, two, one, begin. And Barry's set off.

Starting point is 01:07:23 It's a bit more of a jerky style. And he's got the ghost already, the ghost has got him already! And he's putting it back, he's reset! And he's going again, he's got a very jerky style I'm not used to this style, oh and he can't, he's gone too far through the gate to pick up, nope now he's picked up a biscuit! He's got a biscuit home! He's got a cherry!

Starting point is 01:07:38 He's got a cherry biscuit home! He's got a cherry limited edition Jammy Dodger and he's got the second one! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh He's got a cherry limited edition jammy dodger and he's got the second one He's onto a blinder Oh, he's done it! Oh! With 51 seconds left on the clock, that is a definitive win for Barry. I got this at home. I got this at home. It's good game. I'm so happy.

Starting point is 01:08:11 Wow. I told you he's good at these. I told you. Yet I didn't back him. Been practicing for seven years. My boy. Four seconds he did every day. What's the whole timer?

Starting point is 01:08:22 Two minutes? I don't understand. It felt like two minutes. 130 and he had 56 left. Yeah, so he has definitely won this. I just want to know, 36 left. 34 seconds. Do you realise you control the ghosts as well as the background?

Starting point is 01:08:34 Yeah. So that was a trick, wasn't it? So there we go. That was a bit hairy there. Almost half, almost twice as fast as you there, Stuart. I think it helped going. Thanks for working that out, Eli. Sorry. I think it helped

Starting point is 01:08:47 going second. If it's worth anything you were more gracious and nice to watch but Barry bumping it through those. Barry was exciting. Barry was the fast and the furious to my bullet. I reckon if you did it again though you'd probably be a lot quicker. So with that being said, who did Ryan vote for to win? They both voted for Stuart, so no betweens for you on the predictions there. Sorry, guys. So, now... Well, first of all, we're going to do the proper awards at the end. Awards?

Starting point is 01:09:16 I haven't thought that far ahead. But in terms of score, this is really interesting, because I do know the answer, obviously, but tell them what they guessed and then I'll tell them what the price was. Chris firstly you guessed it would be nine sorry a little bit of a windy pops. Argada. Yeah. Nine quid you said Chris. And how much did Ryan say? He was close to that eight pounds fifty. Now remember if it is nine Chris will get two betweens and yeah if it is nine if it's 8.50 Chris will get two betweens and yeah, if it is nine, if it's 8.50, you'll get two betweens and you'll get one betwing. So we're hoping it's in the range of 8.50 to 9 pounds for the betwingage. It is exactly nine pounds on the nose. So Chris gets two betweens there.

Starting point is 01:10:02 That's great. Ryan does get one petwing there for the 50 points. So in the final scores for Ryan and Chris are what, Mr. Silverman? Ryan has four petwings, between, between, between, between. But our winner of the second tier, Bars and whatever you want to call it. You bet.

Starting point is 01:10:18 Gannon's Golden Games. It's Chris with five petwings. Wow. But the important thing here is that we actually do have a winner of bars versus hens, maybe the ultimate bars versus hens we've ever done. And that winner, would you believe it, is Mr Barry Lewis. Well done Barry. Thank you guys.

Starting point is 01:10:35 An absolutely shocking ending there. But they're shaking hands everybody. There's no bad feeling here. In St Andrews. On aggregate it's still like ten one or two. But it has now started to rain. It has now started to rain has been called off. Oh the ducks swooped in. There's no bad feeling here in St Andrews. On aggregate it's still like 10-1 or so.

Starting point is 01:10:45 But it has now started to rain. It has now started to rain, it's been called off. The ducks swooping. It's rain. I got nothing to add. Let's wrap this recording up. And that's it for Cheap Show, Stroke Barshans this week. Thank you to Chris, thank you to Ryan, Stroke Dan, I'd love to. I didn't get Strokes.

Starting point is 01:11:17 We'll get to you in a minute. You said Barshans, Mr Stewart, Mr Barry and Mr Eli and I've been Mr Gannon and that's this week. Now, if you want to see pictures or videos for this, you can go to our website, thecheapshow.co.uk, where it's all there for you to peruse. There are also links there to all sorts of fun cheap show stuff. And of course, if you'd like to support us with Patreon and be one of those lucky few, you can do. Go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show. But as I like to say, give what you can, but only few you can do. Go to patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show. But as I like to

Starting point is 01:11:45 say, give what you can, but only if you can. And there's a wealth of magazines and all sorts. And in fact, one of the reasons why we're doing this is because the issue of the Cheap Show magazine coming out today, when this episode is released, Friday. I haven't finished the things I have to do. Oh, it's all done anyway. So it's you're locked out now. Well, I'm sending it tomorrow morning. Well anyway, it's still in the book. It is still coming out on Friday.

Starting point is 01:12:06 Oh no, but this is coming out this week. Yeah, we're recording it Monday. It comes out this Friday. Sorry, just lose that bit. And also the stuff about the LBGTQ. Yeah, I'll cut that bit out and I'll add in the stuff about all that weird hatred you have against. I'm not even going to say it.

Starting point is 01:12:19 Anyway, the event has put a lot of work and effort into the latest Cheap Show magazine being a Barshans special. And not only that, but there's going to be a revamp of this particular issue to everyone who backed the Barshans tier as part of Stuart's film. So there's going to be a Cheap Show version and then there's going to be a Barshans backed version. But it's full of articles by Stuart, Barry's involved, you're involved, I'm involved, a bit of everything, interviews, behind the scenes stuff, secrets, games, it's all in the latest issue, you can get it if you're a

Starting point is 01:12:47 Patreon for free no matter what tier you join at and it's worth it, you'll all get a copy, I'll send it all your way on Friday when it's when it's gun and dud. Done and good. Done and good is the actual phrase I was waiting for. So what's happening with the bard, the... Well let's find out, what is going on Mr Stewart? I'm glad you asked Mr Silverman. Okay. Thank you for asking. It's fine. I appreciate it. No, really.

Starting point is 01:13:07 No, really, that's very good of you. You did it well as well. I really did like it. It's very good, yeah. So yes, there will be more Barshans this year. Some episodes will be free, some, you will have to back our film Turn Back to see. You can back it on Indiegogo now

Starting point is 01:13:21 because we set the thing up because we had it on Kickstarter and then the Kickstarter ended and people said, but I kind of put money in and I was like, but it is too late. So we've set up another one. Anyway, if you want to have a look at the film, turn back on IndieGoGo. Just waiting for the cop launch to come through from the government. Holding old women upside down. One more question and the script is finished now.

Starting point is 01:13:46 Totally third or fourth draft. Is it? We'll cut that bit. Reverse narrative. You'll be lucky. We'll cut that bit. It's fine. So, yes.

Starting point is 01:13:55 So when do you think we're going to get back together? It will be this year at some point. Beginning of, middle of, end of? I don't know. Yes. Thank you for asking. Because I've obviously got schemes and plans in mind for it, and it all depends on the time of the year. Because I think, we don't know if this is going to happen,

Starting point is 01:14:12 so just because I'm saying this right now doesn't mean it's going to happen, but I think we should all do a proper ghost hunt at a proper location, and I have one or two in mind we could ask for. Any ghosts in your house, Barry, that'd be easy. Take that with you. Try and take the bag with you. Is your pizza barn haunted?'s your pizza barn haunted. It's your pizza barn haunted. I also wanted to ask you about the McDonald's

Starting point is 01:14:32 Philly cheese stack. Did you try that? I didn't. What the fuck's going on? What Disney World? I'm going to try a vinegar sandwich. Anyway there's more portions to come later in the year and we're all very excited and it should be what I like to call top fun. Barry, what are you up to these days, me lover? I'm doing podcasts actually. Oh yeah? No, no, in London. I'm still doing videos at home, ticking over, yeah.

Starting point is 01:14:58 That's mainly what I built a studio in my garden. Still making that sick dollar on the dollar? Yeah, yeah. Does it have a pizza oven in it? I've got a pizza oven to go on the patio side. Oh, one of those. I was going to do a series of Will It Woodfire actually, like just put random stuff in it, like animal.

Starting point is 01:15:13 That's the Greco style in it. Yeah. I want to see one of those videos where they film a crushing machine inside a crushing machine. You know, you get those teeth things. They're always throwing weird shit in. I want to throw one of those weird machines into it, to cause a meta recursive narrative of crushing.

Starting point is 01:15:27 Isn't there something it really struggles with, like an egg or something? Yeah, round things are really hard because it can't grip on the teeth. Also just bounces on the teeth. Yeah, I feel an egg in one just spinning round. Infinite spinning egg. Yeah, yeah. Ryan, what are you up to these days? I bet you're wanking. No. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:15:41 No, what are you up to, love? You're in panto, aren't you? Yeah, I've been doing Panto, I've been doing lots of acting. You just turned this into Blankety Blank, where's like, where are you? Well, you can see me in Panto this year. But you can't now, because it's over. You can see me in Panto next year, though. I've been doing a load of plays.

Starting point is 01:16:00 I have a lovely day job, which involves a lot of performance, and it involves working with kids, and I've heard some fucking banging kids jokes. Oh we need to do that again. Oh I've got a joke. Go on. Oh Eli got a joke. Okay so there's a gynaecologist. It's not a kids joke.

Starting point is 01:16:16 No it's a joke though. Gynaecologist is seeing this woman and he says, oh madam you've got an incredibly cavernous vagina, an incredibly cavernous vagina. She goes, you don't have to repeat yourself because I didn't. Sorry. I get that. That joke would have won the spitting competition. That's an excellent joke Paul. No I've just heard it before, that's all. All right, what about this? What about this? I want to get to Chris. One thing Chris, sorry. Can we end with your joke? No, all right. I'd like to do my kids joke as well, actually. Because I heard this and I thought of Eli.

Starting point is 01:16:49 All right! And I thought of Eli straight away, okay. Okay, here we go. Oh no. Why did the cow jump over the moon that was red? I don't know. Why did the cow jump over the moon that was red? Because it was covered in ketchup

Starting point is 01:17:03 and it wasn't a cow, it was a chip. I mean, it makes sense now you've explained it. That's not a joke, that's a narrative. Give the kick a kick in the arse. Chris, what are you up to these days and where can we find you online should you want to be found? You can find me on Bandcamp under Bone Music. I've had some stuff out on Radio 6, on Freak Zone, on Radio 3, Late Junction, Night Train,

Starting point is 01:17:32 and I've got a gig coming up in Whitby in November. You need a gimmick, like, you know, like, my mushroom head guy has the mushroom and then there's like Daft Punk with the... You've not seen the picture of me, I was, yeah. Have you got one? Have you got like a... Do they archive Freak Zone? Do they archive the Freak Zone? So I could go back and listen to it. If it's on BBC Sounds. Yeah, it was on Sounds, but I don't know how far back you can go.

Starting point is 01:17:51 It should be there forever. Yeah. Okay. So great. I will check that out. And you can check it out. Dear listener too. It's a fascinating audio soundscape. Did you hear about my Daphne Aurum record? I found a Daphne Aurum record. What, in a charity shop? Oh my god. Right Eli, what are you up to these days? You just got back from Florida, didn't you? It's just my joke. Can I do my joke? Today we're going to end this Barshans Cheap Show crossover with Eli's joke. Aren't we fucking lucky? Right, this guy's walking down the road and he sees this man with an incredible looking dog and he has to stop him because he's got an interesting dog so he says, excuse me sir,

Starting point is 01:18:30 what kind of breed of dog is that? And he says it's a French Spitz. Yeah. He goes, I've just got to stop recording now. No, no, no, don't! Let me tell this joke. He says, the guy says it's a French Spitz and he goes, no, no, I'm sorry. Look, there's no, there's no, no, quite a judge at Crafts actually. And I know for a fact there's no such breed as a French Spitz. And he goes, no, sorry, I'm telling

Starting point is 01:18:55 you it is a French Spitz. That's what he says. Look, there's no dog knows a French Spitz. And the dog goes, Monsieur, putt! I mean Barry liked it so I guess that's it. Putt it! He goes putt it! The dog Paul, the dog! And on that Paul and Michelle we're all going to say goodbye. We'll be back for portions later in the year at some point. But for now this has been a little reunion so I'd like to thank Chris, Ryan, Stuart,

Starting point is 01:19:22 Barry, Eli and my good good self for organizing this. Hellscape of Peter. I will see you next time on the Cheap Show podcast. Tati, bye everyone. Bye. Martians.

CheapShow - Ep 377: Barshens Rises

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