CheapShow - Ep 382: A Right Royal Ready Salted Rank Off

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hello there, Paul. Hello. I need something from you, if you don't mind. Have you ever heard of a homunculus? Yes, it's a... Yes, I have, actually. Can you tell me and everyone listening what a homunculus is, please? This is all very sudden. Just... You've been very nice to me today, often now.

Starting point is 00:00:14 No, no, no. I'm just wondering. I tell you... You know what I feel is coming? What? Some kind of gotcha. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Some kind of gotcha. That's what it feels like. I'll tell you. I've made my own homunculus.

Starting point is 00:00:24 And I want to make one of you as well. So do you know what a hom'll tell you, I've made my own homunculus, and I want to make one of you as well. So do you know what homunculus is? I do know what homunculus is. Then please enlighten me and the listening audience as to the definition of homunculus. I think that the Latin is homo, meaning man. Yes. So it's a little man, homunculus is a little man.

Starting point is 00:00:41 It is. And it's associated with, in the modern sort of language of philosophy, broadly speaking, particularly the philosophy of the mind, with the little man who sits inside the head. That's the homunculus inside the head. It can be seen as that, but however. It can be seen as that. That's the context I know it in. But more generally, it is just a little little man. A little man. So I figured out. Or woman, we should say. Yes, that's true. I have made my own.

Starting point is 00:01:07 I went through the process. I used left-hand magic to do so, and I've made my own. Left-hand magic. So I need one from you. You need me to produce a homunculus. I want a cheap show, Homunculi. Literally, Homunculi. Homunculi is the.

Starting point is 00:01:19 Homunculi. I want a Homunculi. No, but Homunculi, that's the plural. Yes, I know. That's what I'm saying. I want one of you and me. I want Homunculi, I want hermonculi. No, but homunculi, that's the plural. Yes, I know. That's what I'm saying. I want one of you and me. I want homunculi, Eli, Eli homunculus. So I need some spunk from you.

Starting point is 00:01:30 I'll give you spunk, bro. I need enough. Okay, so here's the process. And this is genuine. You collect some spunk and you put it into a gauze and then you keep that gauze at the same temperature. This is stuff we shouldn't be messing with, Paul. I'm just going to warn you right now.

Starting point is 00:01:42 You keep it at the same temperature as a horse's womb. That's actually what you've got to do. And then you keep it like that for a couple of weeks and then eventually a little homunculus comes out of it. This isn't... Am I always sceptical? This isn't good magic. I was sceptical. Have you produced some kind of fucking... Look, alright, you've kind of led the way, but let me just get him out. I've got my little Paul homunculus here. I don't know what you're doing. We haven't discussed this. Put him up to the microphone. Go on little Paul.

Starting point is 00:02:06 Listeners, he's cupping an invisible creature. And he's doing the voice. I'm Paul Cannon. And I'm a tiny Paul Cannon. You're a little Paul Homunculus. How are you doing Mr. Eli? You seem like a child rather than a small version of the adult Paul. It's just, no it's new. I'm just being very nice Mr Silverman.

Starting point is 00:02:25 No you seem very infantile. Paul come here! Oh he's got, he's got to get off of, oh don't! Fucking little thing! Mate, you've smashed him! Yeah, fucking wash the homunculus off my fucking soul you cunt. Oh, poor homunculus, Gannon. Poor homunculus Paul.

Starting point is 00:02:43 And welcome to Cheap Show. No no, I'm going to need you to produce sperm! I will, I've told you, look. Homunculus canon that's poor homunculus poor and welcome to cheap show To produce sperm I will have told you look between you and me Paul Yeah, you can come in the house of pickles come anywhere What no you could you can enter the house pickles fucking will fuck into the house of pickles Give you a fucking a book kill us In the house of pickles Paul what a horror film that would be Homunculi in the House of Pickles, Paul. What a horror film that would be. Homunculi in the House of Pickles. Oh, Mr Spielberg, make that, would you? He doesn't do horrors anymore, does he? He doesn't do nothing. Did he ever really do a horror? Have I ruined

Starting point is 00:03:15 the cold open with my Homunculus story? I mean, I was trying to hitch my wagon to your Homunculus idea, but then halfway through I realised he doesn't have he doesn't know what he where he's going with this and can I just fill you in listener I didn't know where I was going with this. Hey Paul you can come in the house of pickles fill me in. I don't know what to say to that other than welcome to Cheap Show. Press the fucking credits. Hop, hop, run, hop, hop, run, run, don't. Organ and Eli Silverman. Welcome to Jeep Show. Sources and words and phrases.

Starting point is 00:04:00 Two things I'm responsible for. Chobney, Chodney borough, I hate you It's the price of shine Welcome to Cheap Show. Yes it's Cheap Show, that podcast about the economy comedy things we do to look for the treasure in the trash. Oh we look everywhere, all pound shops, boot sales, charity shops, all over the world. And we bring it to you as a content type podcast with humorous asides and whimsies. Hello, I'm Paul Gannon and this is... Eli Silverman, hello.

Starting point is 00:04:53 And I will open here, Paul, if I may. Oh, will ya? Will ya? What are you going to open? By just saying to any listeners who are part of the occult community... Yes, anyone who practices magic. Paul was not mocking you. Oh I wasn't!

Starting point is 00:05:06 For your practices with his garbled version of the, is it, homunculi spell? I'm thinking of making homunculi to sell at the live show in October. You can come along, like a little Funko pop, but a little real me or you. And they'll do anything you want. They'll do dishes, they'll clean your flat, you know, they're really good. No, don't do the sucking cocksides! Well, what else would you make a homunculi for? Well, there's loads of other reasons. You stick it up your bum, Richard Gere style.

Starting point is 00:05:30 So, what, you want people who listen to our podcast to stick your head up their fucking arse? My little homuncul head. Gah, suffocates, very much like the hamster. Poor hamster. It goes... Poor Richard Gere though, really, because, you know... I think Richard Gere's been financially compensated for it, you know. All I'm saying is, even though the world knows...

Starting point is 00:05:58 He's okay, I don't think you should worry about him. The world knows he didn't do that, but still the lie continues on, unabated. I know, but it's again this sort of double standard because the animal rights people should be onto him. Petter, do you see the fucking advert they did today? You wouldn't eat a T-Rex, don't eat a chicken. Yes, that's a great piece of logic that. You wouldn't eat a thing that doesn't exist anymore, so why would you eat a thing that

Starting point is 00:06:19 does? The point they're trying to make is you have this sort of reverence and respect for these extinct creatures and then there's the scientific reality that birds are descended from dinosaurs. Yes. Yeah, very weak. But if someone came up to you and went, oh here's a T-Rex chop, you'd eat it wouldn't you? You'd have a go.

Starting point is 00:06:37 Well, they are on the brink, a lot of people think, of actually being able to do a Jurassic Park and bring back these... Oh, they shouldn't. You think they could do it, couldn't have, should do it. They should grow T-Rex steaks, you know, because they can do lab-grown meat, so just get me T-Rex so we can taste exotic meats from the extinct park. You see... Ooh, tuck me in!

Starting point is 00:06:57 What there should have been, right, was Richard Hammond went, oh, look, I've cloned the T-Rex and he opened the door, and it's Mark Bolan doing some of his hits from the past And it's like not Jurassic Park but like 70s Rock Park where you can see like other dinosaurs such as the stones This is definitely a joke that hasn't been made on mock the week at some point I don't know. I don't watch that. I bet you they have I bet you humorous content exists conflating the term rock dinosaur with real dinosaur in a Jurassic Park content. So if it's mocked then we could be like, here's some films you wouldn't expect to see. Exactly, exactly.

Starting point is 00:07:33 And then young Stanton goes, just imagine I'm Sam Neill and then I'm in a car and then a giant mock bowl and Cromwell's way from home flips it over. He's a dinosaur. You shouldn't have done it, couldn't have, shouldn't have, wouldn't have done it. Now, Paul. Yes, welcome to the show everyone. The only, the only for me, and it is a real problem with eating meat, eating chicken or anything, is that they are sentient beings in my view, and I wouldn't like to be slaughtered and then eaten.

Starting point is 00:08:01 No. And there's nothing I can say to that as a meat eater. There's nothing I can say. That is a moral for me, that is a moral failing in myself that I have to just live with, okay? Then saying, oh, you like this one species. So if this is another, you know, it's just like, no, I accept eating any living creature has a moral problem as a thinking human, I have to accept

Starting point is 00:08:22 if I think they're conscious like me. That is the only thing you can say. It's like I saw another advert where it was like, you wouldn't eat a scarecrow, so why would you eat a chicken? And I was like, well, that's a straw man argument, isn't it? Boot diddle dee boop boop boop boop boop boop. Hello mother. Hello mother. That was good. Mother, my mother-in-law.

Starting point is 00:08:38 Fucking day. That was good. But anyway, welcome to the show, everyone. That's the best joke you're getting. So for the rest of the hour, it's going gonna be a fucking long march to the odd doom. Right, here we go. No, but Paul, but Paul. Do you have a tale to tell? I do, I have a...

Starting point is 00:08:53 Ladies and gentlemen, it's my favourite part of the show, maybe yours too. It is the bit where Eli rambles on about his boring fucking existence DJing at the weekend recounting the same old three stories. Which one will the roulette bring up today? Let's find out. What are the three story tropes then? Woman comes up to you, asks for something you don't have and you treat her like shit.

Starting point is 00:09:12 Man comes up to you, who fucking says something and he's a knobhead and a bit intimidating. Three, a bouncer based story or something you see out on the street. Okay, it is the first type, Paul. Hooray! Except it's not a young lady, it is a first type, Paul. Hooray! Except it's not a young lady. It is a young man or a middle aged man.

Starting point is 00:09:27 OK, so I'm also in the other venue that I play. He has numerous venues in which he like DJs from, not to be mentioned here, because he does not want you, the listener, to know where he works. I don't mind. This is the discount suit company, which is... I've been there for several years now. You have?

Starting point is 00:09:42 Cocktail bar. Yeah, it's a lovely little place. Not a dance place, really. Not really. But I'm doing background, you know. You're an ambience man. Yes, I'm a there for several years now. You have? A cocktail bar. Yeah, it's a lovely little place. Not a dance place, really. Not really, no. But I'm doing background, you know. You're an ambience man. Yes, I'm a song and ambience man. You're a song and ambience man.

Starting point is 00:09:51 So, it's a Thursday I'm doing, so it's obviously not a lively night. There's a group of middle-aged men in Poole. Okay. Obviously, maybe after work or some kind of thing. After work, was it a Friday or Saturday? It was a Thursday. Oh.

Starting point is 00:10:03 So very much an after work crowd you get there. And they were casually dressed, but they did look like they belonged in an office scenario. You know, middle aged men, sort of management sort of that. Anyway, one of them keeps looking at me as I'm playing the records. Like, you know, you do get, because I'm right on the bar there, so the decks and the records spinning around are very much exposed and it's sort of, that's obviously part of the reason why they want a vinyl DJ there. Of course. It gives it a sort of zhuzh of the vinyl and then he gets the eventually he gets the

Starting point is 00:10:30 courage up he's sitting behind me and he turns around goes do you do requests and I say yes. Oh yes I do. What's your request? I don't say yes I do I go straight to what is the request as we've discussed numerous times yeah do you do request is a stupid question. Just ask and you'll get a yes or no. Because that's almost you getting that first question out of the way as a bonus. Because I could answer, if you said, went straight to the request, I could just go, I don't do requests. Let's play this out now. We'll play both scenarios out, okay? So you're DJing, excuse me, may I ask a request?

Starting point is 00:11:02 Yes. Do you have Fleetwood Macs rumours? No, I do not have that. Right, next one. Do you have Fleetwood Macs rumours? No, I do not have that. Right, next one. Do you have Fleetwood Macs rumours? No. Thank you. I don't do requests.

Starting point is 00:11:10 See, I can answer it there, I don't do requests. Why don't you put a sign up that says, I don't do requests? That's the worst thing you could possibly do. When you wear a hat that says, just don't talk to me mate. I don't... T-shirt saying, fuck off, nubber. The fact of the matter is, I do do requests, Paul. You do do?

Starting point is 00:11:24 I do do. When you do, you do, but when you don don't you won't. Yes exactly anyway. It's very simple and inconsistent. And I said what is the request to this man? Yeah. Okay. Yeah he's giggling to himself. Because it is so anyway what do you think? Okay. He asked for an artist. An artist? Band or artist. Right and you're embarrassed by it it's not gonna be anything like. No and I literally, I couldn't control myself, I laughed openly into his face. My face wasn't that far from his face. Alright. When he said it, I involuntarily laughed into his face and looked at his mate and then I had to go,

Starting point is 00:11:55 Whoa, okay, I'm a bit too masked off laughing into your face. So was it Matt Bianco? No. See that would also make me giggle, but that at least would have some... This was just the worst possible sort of something he remembers from when he was once drunk. Or something. It was just like... Was it the ketchup song? No. Was it Wig-Wam-Bam by Sweet?

Starting point is 00:12:16 No, but these are all song titles. Was it Copacabana by Barry Manilow? You're giving me song titles. I told you it was just an artist. So, okay, was it Barry Manilow? Was it Take That? No. Was it Boys on the Blacks... New Kids on the Block? Boys on the Blacks. I know that was getting confused between a boy band and a hard-hitting drama about scousers looking

Starting point is 00:12:33 for work in the 80s. This is very different. Ladies and gentlemen, at number two in the charts, it's the Boys from the Blacks. Actually, you know what? They did release a song called Giz a Job. I don't think it was an actual official release. I think it was a comedy parody thing. Yes, we covered that. We have covered it, yes. So it's not too far-fetched. Anyway, I don't know the answer.

Starting point is 00:12:53 Please reveal the answer. We're all waiting for it. Reveal. Fun loving criminals. Oh, you can see why I laughed. If this was a student union bar in 97. Yes. OK.

Starting point is 00:13:04 Because he was possibly about the same age as me. maybe, you know, mid to late 40s, probably. And look, I quite like Fun Loving Criminals in their prime, but you wouldn't go to a blues bar playing nothing blues and go, hey, have you got Scooby Snacks, please? You want to hear that now? Well, that's the thing, that's the, because I've been discussing it. I only thought they did that one, which Listen Up Punk or whatever it's called. With the Fun Loving Criminals. Listen Up Punk with the Fun Loving Criminals.

Starting point is 00:13:28 But that's different, there's another track called Scooby Snacks. Yeah, that was their big hit. Scooby Snacks was the big one. I would have said that was their bigger hit out of the two. Why do I remember Listen Up Punk? Because they were both quite popular hits. That first album was, you know, a bit of an album of that year. It was.

Starting point is 00:13:41 Everyone had it. I had a copy, nearly everyone I knew at university had a copy of it and every now and then it gets those vinyl re-releases and remasters. It's not very good. It's fine. It hasn't aged very well but it's very much of the 90s because remember they scored the music to Sopranos so they did have some cultural cachet. But then he went ahead and became like a really sort of anodyne TV presenter character. He got full into living in the UK, he loved it over here. He used to go on about how he loved these tenders. He got a short lived Radio One spot or Radio Six show.

Starting point is 00:14:11 I've seen him like presenting dog clip shows, you know what I mean? Funny dog clip shows, I saw him presenting one. I know their shows are probably based on the name of his band, so it's like dog loving... Yeah, it was something like that. ...Crivenals or something like that. Yeah, it was like... Fun loving Beagles or something.. Fun loving Beagles. Scooby Snacks. Yes I would watch fucking fun loving bagels. Fun loving bagels, no I'd watch that too.

Starting point is 00:14:35 Yeah I would. Mate we should brainstorm more for these TV titles. Fun loving bagels. You get Huey Morgan, you go round the bagel shops in London. No, how about we just get... Listen up punk, it's a fun loving bagel. Huey Morgan, Huey Lewis, we do our show called Huey and Huey and we just go round the world. Oh yes! I'm loving this now. And it's about them being sick every week by drinking too much. Huey Huey's Huey Show. Something like that. Huey Morgan and the News. What about this? I'm losing my mind. Can we stop? No, one more thing. He's got perk pecs. And he went to Burkebeck.

Starting point is 00:15:08 Burkebeck's perk pecs. If you want us to do that, yeah we can do. Anyway, er... We should stop, because we're both fracturing. That was my tell from the dance floor. I laughed in his face and had to reign it in a bit. And then he did go on and ask for Boogie Wonderland. Fine. Safer option.

Starting point is 00:15:27 What made me laugh is incongruity of that with the set I'd been playing. Well you know what, we've all learnt something today. Huey Lewis and Huey Morgan need to team up for a TV show where they feed dogs. They could feed dogs bagels. Huey and Huey get pukey with the bagel run. Wait, Huey and Huey get pukey with the bagel run. Wait, Huey and Huey's Beagle Bagel Run. We're pathetic. What have we got coming up on the show today? Well, we're going to find out right now. Well, it's a bit of a foodie episode. This week on the podcast, we've got something sweet, something sour and something salty to enjoy. We're going

Starting point is 00:16:04 to start off with... What do We're going to start off with... What do you actually want to start off with? The drinks? Since we've got the ice cubes just about ready? Yeah, because they're going to get too melty. Alright, so we've got these two cans sent to us. I believe they're from a van. They are the Barbie Girl Drink Raspberry...

Starting point is 00:16:18 What's F-E-I-J-O-A? Fiore? Fiore? Fiore? What's that drink? I've never seen that before. Maybe that's just raspberry in a different language. Oh, yes.

Starting point is 00:16:28 See what I mean? Well, fine. So we've got a tin... It is in a different language because they've got a sticker on the back. Same here. Translated. So that is a raspberry fizzy drink with a Barbie logo on. And this is, in my hand, the Hot Wheels Race Drink Tutti Frutti. Now, who owns Barbie, the big corp? Mattel. Do they also own Hot Wheels? drink Tutti Frutti. Now who owns Barbie the big

Starting point is 00:16:45 court? Mattel. Do they also own Hot Wheels? I believe they do. So we're gonna get Hot Wheels movies, we're gonna get a Monopoly movie, can you imagine how fucking shit that's gonna be? They've been saying Monopoly movie for decades. At one point Ridley Scott was gonna make a Monopoly movie. I bet he was. Ka-ching. Yeah. Wanker. Fuck you! Oh dear, who thought we... I'm gonna fucking send my homunculi. I'm spupping them out. That's not how you make homunculi. I've streamlined the process for you. You can't just fire tiny e-lights out your cup. I've got little gauze pellets. I just have to aim and then they're in the incubator. I still hate this phase you're going through of just jabbing your groin towards me and touching

Starting point is 00:17:27 it with your hands. I'm not a fan of being drawn to that area of you. I'm sorry everybody. It's like roadkill. What's like roadkill? Your groin. You can't not see it but you regret looking at it. And what's the other... and we've got a Hot Wheels drink as well then. So it just says tutti frutti. I don't even know what that even fucking means. It's the flavor

Starting point is 00:17:46 of ice cream tutti frutti. Uh, well, yes, you're right. And I think that comes from the Italian for all fruits. But what is? Tut, all, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And this chewing gum isn't the tutti frutti gum. There was all that. It's like a multi fruit flavored gum. But what flavor springs to mind when someone says here's a tutti frutti thing? Vanilla, not vanilla. I would have said like pineapple. Raspberry pineapple tutti frutti, mate. I'm not complaining. It's fucking tutti frutti. You don't see it.

Starting point is 00:18:10 Tutti frutti, my rooty. You don't often see tutti frutti flavored things. No. You don't often see toy branded soft drinks. No, but this is the thing. It's generic piss with a brand on to sell it. It might be nice. Which one are you looking forward to?

Starting point is 00:18:24 Oh, honestly tutti frutti. I like a raspberry soda. Cause I need to mention that yours has a drawing of Barbie on with the Barbie font and this has the Hot Wheels logo with one of those, what kind of cars are they? They're like Roadsters or what? Dragster. Dragster, that's the thing.

Starting point is 00:18:37 With a little dragster. And this one's got a skull on the front. I like that can, I'd probably be saving it and putting it next to my- Collection of Hot Wheels. My limited edition, no, my limited edition. No, my limited edition Mountain Dew Halloween edition. There you go.

Starting point is 00:18:50 That was a mystery can. Remember that? I do. I remember the mystery of it. And the design on the Barbie one is very sort of what I know. It's got a name, that style of website where they just, you know, that's like flash art kind of thing. That's got that vibe.

Starting point is 00:19:02 Whereas this one is a bit more arty. Cause you can see like the track in the background, the toy track and the loop-de-loop. And the branding just is stronger on the Hot Wheels, I feel. So should we start with the Barbie one then? Yeah. Right. So I never hold much hope for these kinds of drinks.

Starting point is 00:19:18 Oh, the generickness of that. He gave it a huff, and he was not impressed. I'm getting extremely generic. I'm not holding up a high hope for this. The huff was not enough. Oh, but I like the colour of it. It's a nice purple. Purple.

Starting point is 00:19:30 There you go. Hopefully get some fizz action there for you, Paul. I know it's an important thing for you. Fizz action, yes. The level of carbonation. Carbonation is very important to my palate. I'm going to give it a huff myself. Oh mate, do you know what it smells like?

Starting point is 00:19:41 Is this sugar free by the way? Probably not. I don't know. Does it say anywhere on it? It usually has a big sign saying, aren't we fucking great for being sugar free? I reckon we're quite- No, this has got sugar, so it might be alright. So, the smell to me is Chupa Chups Strawberry Lollipop.

Starting point is 00:19:54 Oh, it's raspberry. Yeah. Well, no, but it smells like a strawberry. It's that really artificial raspberry. Yeah. Isn't it? Yeah. Go.

Starting point is 00:20:02 It's that artificial raspberry. Has a almost floral finish. Chalky. Not the Jim Davidson character. No, we're not doing that now, Paul. No, we're not doing the Jim Davidson character. I just meant, it's got a chalky flavour to it. It's kind of, do you not see what I mean?

Starting point is 00:20:13 It's got this kind of roughness to the texture. Do you not taste it? Like someone's ground up a paracetamol into it. It's like, that's the texture. Ugh. I think you need to go to the doctor, Paul. Why? Because I'm not getting that at all.

Starting point is 00:20:25 You don't get that chalky residue. There's no chalky residue there. Anyhow, it is incredibly mediocre. At least it doesn't have that aspartame hum. No, it doesn't have that. It's not awful to be fair. I don't think that's awful. It's just a very plain raspberry flavoured soda drink.

Starting point is 00:20:41 Yeah. Tooty Fruity. Who sang that song? Tooty Fruity, my rooty. Little Richard. Little Richard. Hey. One of the most, the foundational rock and roll songs. And you know another story, Little Richard's story. Go on. That Ewan told me. Yeah. He used to like put a poo in a sort of a present. So if Ewan told you this, this has to be true. And show it to women. Right. And they'd go, WAAA! And he'd like shock women with poos in... Can he back that story up, was it just...

Starting point is 00:21:06 Yes, he's very... Ewan is very into... Scat. No, rock and roll. And especially Little Richard, he idolises Prince. So where did he learn that from then? I think from an autobiography. Well, Little Richard wrote a book about himself

Starting point is 00:21:18 and he happily wrote, One day I put a turd on a jar and showed it to ladies. He used to prank... Yeah. Do you want to see my little Richard? He was always extremely flamboyant and just an incredibly important musician in the evolution of popular music in the 20th century. Yes. Right. Anyway, so I'm sniffing the huffing of this.

Starting point is 00:21:35 This is the Tooty Fruity Hot Wheels branded one. Race drink it's called. It almost smells of nothing. It's kind of like a very weak, do you know fruit salad candy? Yeah. Like that. You mean like a Barrett's fruit salad. It's got a pitty colour. Wait, is this? Is this an energy drink? It smells like, now that I've got... Taurine. It smells like Red Bull. It does, and doesn't it look like it now that I'm out the car?

Starting point is 00:21:54 It has a Red Bull colour. Now that I smell it... Oh yeah. Is it a... is this an energy drink? Well, it's only one way to find out, Paul. It would make sense though, right? Hot Wheels, Energy... Oh yeah, yeah, a race drink, yeah. But does it say it anywhere that it is?

Starting point is 00:22:05 No. No, but it tastes like it. No, but it smells like it, doesn't it? It looks like it. Is this Baby's First Energy Drink kind of thing? Perhaps it's just a non-energy drink sort of pretending. The cans are Red Bull cans. Yeah. Both cans are in that shape.

Starting point is 00:22:18 Let's go. That tastes like the generic Red Bull copy you get at bars. But it doesn't taste... It's not quite as acrid, not quite as medicine-y, but similar flavour. But it doesn't taste like tutti frutti, it just tastes like generic Red Bull. Much worse than the Barbie one. It tastes like weak Red Bull, is what it tastes like. Yeah, Baby's First Red Bull.

Starting point is 00:22:36 Very bad. Oh, the flavour's terrible on that. I mean, I don't know what we were expecting, but it was very, very poor. True, but I wasn't expecting to like the Barbie one more. And that's not because it was Barbie, just because they both seemed... Meh, but the Barbie one's far more flavourful and refreshing. Definitely better. Yeah. Strange idea to go, let's make a drink that tastes like Red Bull, but isn't Red Bull.

Starting point is 00:22:57 Just the bottom of a barrel of shit. Yeah, well, there we go. That's what we've learned today. Two cheap drinks were very nice. Well, we've done very well. So let's move on to something a little bit more chewy. Sweets and candies boys and girls, Paul's got them all. Come to Paul's Sweet Shop. Candies, sweeties, lollipops and jewellers. Hello sir.

Starting point is 00:23:21 Hello. Good afternoon. Hello. I'm PC Denby. PC Denby. My name is not relevant now. I'm here to ask you a few questions. Is that okay? Sweets officer, candies, sweets candies. Do you have a license for this shack? This shack. I think I... What do you mean license? Well you need a license to sell. Yes, yes, license.

Starting point is 00:23:46 License you say? I'm just an all sweet boy candy man selling sweets? And there appears to be these little creatures running around. What are these? Homunculi, yes. Come on, let's get out of this. You fucking weirdo. I'll tell you what, I'll move down the road officer

Starting point is 00:24:00 and sell my sweets somewhere else. Well, yes, if you go down Let's Be Avenue, past the stew shop, I'm going to be popping in there later for some Irish stew. Alright, well I'll just go to Jeff Bridges over there and... I'm not doing this bit anymore with people. Why not? Because it's not good. Nothing we do is fucking good.

Starting point is 00:24:19 No, there is sometimes good. No, there's never been anything good on this show. It's awful, you're awful. I'm awful. No. We're all awful people on a downward trajectory. So fucking get used to it. You can't. Hello, everybody. It's time for some candy treats. Now, we did something sweet. Let's do something sour. We've got a range of candies today. And these to start off are Toxicxic Waste which is a brand that make very sour sweets. And this brings me back right to the origins of our sweet little show Paul because we started by doing a show called The Unclickables. Indeed. A live podcast recording show. But we did have sweet tastings.

Starting point is 00:24:59 And I remember we did a product by this company. So this company's been around a long time. For a while. You usually get them in their little plastic barrels with little chewy sweets and or boiled sweets. Where the barrels resembling sort of toxic waste containers and this and they have the yellow and black stripe warning. They're super bad. And they're called toxic waste.

Starting point is 00:25:18 So these are two bars and we have three flavors here. We have sour apple, sour cherry and sour raspberry. These are ultra sour. Yes. And it says nuclear sludge as well. Interesting how they sell these, isn't it? By kind of leaning on... Danger, danger. Yeah, but they're leaning on like images of like Chernobyl and Three Mile Island. It's a weird, incongruous kind of thing. But also I don't know when I've seen documentaries about nuclear waste and you know, radiation sickness.

Starting point is 00:25:47 It doesn't mention that it's super sour. No, nor does it go, it's yummy tasty or anything like that. So we're trying the apple one first because for some reason I bought two of the apple. So the smell is actually quite chemically nasty. Oh, oh yeah, there's that artificial apple with a sort of a... I can just a bite smell the apple but there's way too many chemicals in that for me. But we're chewing it. That's alright.

Starting point is 00:26:07 It's not very sour though. From a brand that says, oh, sour. Maybe I had to rein it in. Maybe. It was fine. There wasn't much of an apple texture to that. I'm just going to open this next one now. This is the blue raspberry.

Starting point is 00:26:18 It's a chew. It's not going to have an apple texture. Do you mean flavor? Oh, yeah, I did. Yeah, flavor. Yeah, flavor and apple. It wasn't much of an apple flavor really there. No.

Starting point is 00:26:25 A hint a suggestion an innuendo of apple. I didn't hate that. No I didn't I could easily polish that off but I'm gonna have this end of the blueberry I've opened it up wide. Blue Razz see it's everywhere Paul I'm telling you. I reckon here I'm gonna make you a bet Blue Razz the movie. Chris Pine. Is gonna come out before the Monopoly film.

Starting point is 00:26:43 Good luck then right so that was the blueberry one I just had a bite. It's not blueberry. Blue raspberry Monopoly film. Good luck then. Right, so that was the blueberry one. I just had a bite. It's not blueberry. Blue raspberry. That's what it says, blue raspberry. I got confused. I conflated the two, didn't I? Right, fine.

Starting point is 00:26:54 I think better flavour than the apple. More juicy, more mmm. But not very sour either. No, same level of sourness. Sour. So now we're going on to sour cherry. Oh, which one would be best? I bought these from B&M. They were 29p each.

Starting point is 00:27:07 Oh, that's a clear winner for me so far. The Blue Razz. Nice. Now, you see, for me personally speaking, I like cherry things. I'm hoping this one comes through for me. You do like cherry things, don't you? Which makes it all the more strange that you won't countenance. Pepsi Max Cherry. It's the Max part I fucking hate. Not the cherry or the Pepsi, it's the Max part.

Starting point is 00:27:26 The Max part, which suggests a lack of sugar, an addition of something fake else, a tinge of fucking nasty sugary sweet fakery that absolutely turns the flavour to sticky gooey fizzy gobshite. I think the representation of cherry is undermined by the Max part of the Cherry Max Cherry Cherry Pepsi Cherry Max with you Paul got you there and it remains the drink of cunts. Alright? Alright good. I was in a pub over the weekend and they had Cherry Pepsi Max can bread You know what me talking about either. They had a special in this pub Paul. Oh, it does smell cherry this one They had a special every Friday. Do you know what it was called on the blackboard? Pepsi Cherry

Starting point is 00:28:07 Max Day. No this is in a, I'm not talking about that anymore. Okay. It was called. Opinionated conjecture. It was a sort of special they did where they did a chip dinner. Yeah. A fish dinner. Fishy dinner. And they gave you Prosecco as well, a glass of Prosecco. And it was called Fish and Fizz. Fucking hell. I knew you'd like that. Fish and Fizz. That sounds like you've got a problem with your fanny. It so does. Oh, I'm sorry, we take the test, Mrs. Groggins, and you've got Fish and Fizz. I have had this, and it might be my favourite.

Starting point is 00:28:37 It's the most sour as well. Oh, it's got a nice, is it the most sour? I think so, really. Now, Sour Cherry obviously is a combination- Paul! Paul? I just bit my- You bit your tongue? How are you? I think so. Now sour cherry obviously is a combination... Oh! Oh! Paul? I just bit...

Starting point is 00:28:47 You bit your tongue? Oh! How bad? Pretty bad! Is it going to bleed? No! Is it bleeding? Can you feel it bleeding?

Starting point is 00:28:55 No! Are we okay to continue with the recording? No! Is it okay to continue with the recording? Yeah! Did you get too infused by the taste of the cherry thing? Yeah! I'm sorry. It's not nice. I'm sorry too. It's not nice.

Starting point is 00:29:12 This is going to be hard to podcast. You know what I thought? Is it? I bit my tongue. Oh, it's done that. Oh, that is the most sour. And the most flavourful for me. I like that. That's working for me. That's working for me. That's a nice chew. Yeah, well, they're all right for what they are for 29p each. B&M, fucking good stuff. Well done, clap, clap.

Starting point is 00:29:33 Stomp your feet. Bang it on a big bass drum. What a picture. Ah, me fucking tongue. Right, we're going to take a little break and come back for our next sweet yet sour treat. So while I was in B&M waiting to get some items for our last segment today on the show, my eye fell upon two packets of something called Sour Madness and one's called Sour Madness Crush and the other one's just called Sour Madness and they are sour gummies. Little skull shapes.

Starting point is 00:30:03 Very windy. Little skull shapes. They're not very windy. Paul. Tongues hurts. It sucks right now to be me. Oh, sorry, I've got a big wave of... Wafty. ...Shardenfreude there. Lofty's Wafty. Paul, they're very much branded like Mexican Day of the Dead style.

Starting point is 00:30:18 It's got that neon skull colour. Cartoon-y. I like the artwork. I do. There are four flavours in each pack. So you've got Bloody Orange, Cherry Neon, Hell Watermelon, Slime Apple in the Sour Madness pack. In the Sour Madness crush you have Wild Strawberry, Blueberry Bash, Pomegranate Burst and Grapefruit Punch. Very nice. Now, it's funny how the toxic waste goes with a sort of the horror of chemicals and industrial accidents. Isn't it fun to eat sweets out of a toxic waste goes with the horror of chemicals and industrial accidents. Isn't it fun to eat sweets out of a toxic waste barrel?

Starting point is 00:30:49 But this is going for a more traditional scary skeleton style horror. Yeah and it says on the back, take the challenge, try these sour skulls and share them with your friends. It's dangerous, are you ready? And that's it really. Do you think this is going to trouble our sour taste buds more than those did? I think they'll be about the exact same sourness. Oh they come in their own little packets. Are they gummies? They feel very hard in the pack I'm telling you they feel very much like a fruit

Starting point is 00:31:14 pastel. It smells like a kind of personal pod. Oh god. You know those personal washing up pods? No this smells much worse. Smell that, that smells like a personal pod. Are these two different, we've got a black packet and a pink packet. Yeah the pink packet. They've all got different packet flavours. Yeah I just said I read them all out didn't I, so the crush ones in the pink packet has those four flavours. That smells like those things that they used to have in Hamleys where you'd have a little tube of this stuff and you put a little ball of it on this end of this little plastic straw and you'd blow it and it would turn into a balloon. Big balloon. Do you know that stuff? Yeah I know what you mean, yeah the kind of really thick bubbly balloons you can blow up

Starting point is 00:31:45 yeah that smell smell right so which back should we start on first one at a time right so we're gonna have to fucking taste 18 different flavors we'll do two flavors each so you do two I'll do two and we'll both have to represent them as best we can right so I added you to that I'm gonna try the slime apple one first what's your other one? Hell watermelon. That seems to be the only two types I've got in it. Well, how many are in there in the pack? Because they were a quid. Oh, there's a bit of one. All right, so you have the other two flavors then, so and I'll have this. Oh mate. I didn't, we didn't get any yellow ones. No, there is no yellow,

Starting point is 00:32:18 there's only four flavors. So you've got the orange. Oh yeah, sorry, bloody orange I've got. And what's the other one? Cherry neon. Oh okay so I'm gonna try the first which is apple slime and this is their hard little sweet. And I'm gonna try cherry neon. Oh it's a bald tree. Yeah. They said gummies. I thought they were gummies. That's on me. We're not gonna be able to taste a lot of these man. Very sour, much sourer than the cheez. And the bald sweets all right this one's kind of apple in that typical apple way. This is very typical cherry. Nothing to them. Meh.

Starting point is 00:32:46 Meh. We'll try one from the other pack, yeah? I'm gonna do the whole watermelon. What am I doing then? Anything you fucking want, mate. Oh that's much more sour. Is it? It's because it's going right on your tongue cut. Oh yeah, that's exactly what it's fucking is.

Starting point is 00:33:04 Pull. Pull. Oh yeah, that's exactly what I'm looking for! Paul... Paul... I can't find my other flavour. Oh it's... It's happened everyone. Paul has spat it out into his little spitty cup. Only because it was on my tongue, so it was a bit that hard.

Starting point is 00:33:24 Oh God. Are we okay to continue? Yeah give me the other two flavors from other pack. Give me two flavors from pack. Oh come on love, any two you like from there blue. We've got wild strawberry coming over and we've got blueberry bash which is uh what happens I like to call it blueberry bash Paul when uh when I've had two or three wanks that day, but I've got the horn, perhaps I've been doing some meow meow or something, and I'm just going at it, and it's getting all blue, and then the blueberry bash is the last one of the day when it's really blue. And you had the fucking tenacity to attack my comedy ideas

Starting point is 00:34:00 with all you were doing, you're just wanking to your balls, fucking prostate. Again, the use of words. I'll use whatever fucking words I want in the blueberry mouth. Oh no shit. Oh fuck it. I mean actually it tastes quite nice. I'm gonna try the blueberry one as well.

Starting point is 00:34:20 I'm gonna try the blueberry one as well because I'm keeping this content going. Trying to get into this little packet. I guess the idea is you sort of portion them out one at a time as treats to your kids. Not really that sour, it's just hit me tongue. Oh, they're more sour at first. But that goes quickly. What's the last one? Oh, the blueberry one is more sour than the sherry one I had. I think it depends on which one's got as much sour powder on it than the other.

Starting point is 00:34:45 Ooh, it's sour. They're uneven. Strawberry, this is a strawberry one. There we go. It's not as bad. It just feels like someone's sticking a pin in me tongue now. Oh, poor Paul. They're all quite sour.

Starting point is 00:34:58 Poor Richard Gere and poor Paul. He's spitting it out, everyone. I'm only spitting it out because it hurts. Because it fucking hurts so bad. I just had this image of this really grim sort of fly on the wall style film where you're a prostitute and you keep spitting the cum out and then you... And then you said I'm only spitting it out because it hurts because you've been hit in the face or something. Well aren't you fucking drawing a beautiful image?

Starting point is 00:35:25 Oh, God, I'm terrible. Right. You are fucking terrible. Thank you for admitting that. Oh, me tongue hurts. I will say this. I do like these. These are nice. I think the boiled sweets part,

Starting point is 00:35:34 which are often the bit that lets these things down, is still flavorful. Nice. Doesn't feel cheap. The sourness depends on... You know what I like about it? Sorry. Go on. The way it's sour at first,

Starting point is 00:35:42 but then goes sweet, it's like a relief. Yeah, it washes away almost. I think the sourness will depend on how much that particular bold sweet has been coated. Because some of them are barely coated and some of them are very coated. Oh god. There's an uneven coating of the sour mix. Yeah. Oh.

Starting point is 00:35:59 So at least that's out of the way now. Were there any ones we haven't tried? There are. I don't know. Which one did you have? Pomegranate. No, we haven't done... Do are. I don't know. Which one did you have? Oh, pomegranate. No, we haven't done pomegranate. I want to do pomegranate. Here you go.

Starting point is 00:36:09 Grapefruit. I'll try the grapefruit. What? We've got to do it. It's up to you. I'll up to you. I don't mind. What do you want, grapefruit or pomegranate?

Starting point is 00:36:17 I wouldn't mind. I don't like grapefruit all that much. Okay, pomegranate. You like pomegranate? I do. I do like pomegranate. There's a drink you like, the Rubicon pomegranate. Yeah. The fizzy one. You like that, don't you? It is one of my favourite old timers. Ooh! Oh fuck it out! Ooh!

Starting point is 00:36:25 Oh god! That's really nice actually, the grapefruit one. Really good grapefruit flavour. Mm-hmm. Oh. How's the pomegranate flavour? It's nice. It's not very pomegranate-y, but it's there almost.

Starting point is 00:36:35 Grapefruit's really there. Oh, I like those. If you're into sours, and you're not some kind of weird masochist who wants some stupid, you know, like those things Bifo had, what were those green, you know, they were just fucking crazy bad. And that stuff we had for 300 that everyone had at the end of this round book. This is actually sour, but then it turns into a quite a pleasant boiled sweet. Boiled sweet, so you know what, for a pound each a bag, good, fine, nice artwork, lovely design, these would be perfect, Paul. Halloween. Yeah, trick or treat. Yes, yes, they're a perfect Halloween treat for

Starting point is 00:37:04 trick or treat. But I do have to say, I mean, it's the way that they've done it, but the waste of having each one individually packaged within a larger pack. Unnecessary, unnecessary packaging, which is like a major drawback. But maybe they have to because of the way they're made, they'd all stick together in the bag. I mean, it's useless. Sweets don't need to exist anyway, if you're looking at all of this. But then you could go deeper. Cars don't need to exist. No, nothing needs to exist. We don't need to exist. We could just blink out. We might do one day. I'm blinking one off right now. I have already been blinking throughout the whole of this show. My little backdoor eyeballs have been blinking. The reality sphincter. Your backdoor eyeball has been...

Starting point is 00:37:42 My backdoor eyeball has been blinking and winking throughout the whole of this segment. Oh, yeah. And it sees the future. Is it watering a bit? No, it's more like a seepage brown tears. You know, like if two pipes aren't connected, it kind of overflows at the at the at the bit where I'm not going down. Like a weeping. It's like a kind of murky weeping. Weeping back door eyeball. Yeah. My psychic weeping back door eyeball.

Starting point is 00:38:02 Does that where the monkey like I come out? No monkey at the front seepage out the back. There's not much to connect the two. What are we doing now? I don't know. I think we're going to move on to our last segment. Hey! Hey!

Starting point is 00:38:14 Oh, my weeping backdoor eyeballs. I've got a message for you. Don't try and push it. Don't get the number 43 bus on a Saturday. OK. All right? It says that's bad news. Okay.

Starting point is 00:38:25 What's that? And don't buy any records on the castle label. I don't know what it's saying there. I'm not buying it, it's being sent to me, so. Alright, well it's all... Oh! It's saying a bad sign. Oh, it's a bad sign.

Starting point is 00:38:37 The eyeball's saying you must reject that record. I'm not going to reject that record. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Reject the record, my eyes! He's doing a little... The back door eye's saying you must reject the record! It's bad omen, bad omen! On this week's episode, everyone,

Starting point is 00:38:50 Paul had the idea of having a psychic bumhole. And a homunculite! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! RANK ME OFF RANK ME OFF SEGMENT RANK ME OFF SEGMENT Eli, we're going to do something that's a little bit like brand off off brand, but it's not. I'm going to call this a rank me off segment of the show. I want you to rank

Starting point is 00:39:10 me off. The segment's called off-brand brand off. No it's not though, because it is and it isn't. Because in off-brand brand off, we take recognisable brands of food and compare them and contrast them with off-brand cheaper alternatives to see what we like, if we can recognise the difference, etc. Right? I usually blindfold myself, do a blindfold test. Yes, our resident supertaster.

Starting point is 00:39:33 I'm the resident supertaster everybody, Eli Silverman. Hello. Hello. I'm here today. He hasn't told me exactly what I'll be doing, but he has said to me, he said be very prepared, get those taste buds and we do do a training thing Super Tasters with our taste buds, Paul. Do you? Yeah. What's that then? We go in a room in the dark and then there's a lemon in the room.

Starting point is 00:39:52 Okay. And you're looking around. You got to sniff the lemon out. You've got to sniff the lemon out. And then what happens when you find it? You give yourself a doggy biscuit. And what's a doggy biscuit? It's a biscuit designed for dogs to eat, Paul.

Starting point is 00:40:03 So the lemon doesn't play a part in the training? Well, yes. I know most of the smell, taste comes from the nose, all that stuff. Yes, I get it. We all get it. We all know. Sometimes they use an orange or a kiwi fruit. Yeah, but what if I put, I don't know.

Starting point is 00:40:16 Sometimes the reward is, it's just that I like a doggy bone biscuit. What if I put like a chocolate bar in there? Could you smell a chocolate bar? Yeah, I can smell a chocolate bar now. Can you? Yeah, there's a Mars in that corner. Is there? Oh, there was. The chocolate bar? I can smell a chocolate bar now. Can you? Yeah, there's a Mars in that corner. Is there? Oh, there was.

Starting point is 00:40:28 The last six months there's been a Mars in that corner. Has there? Yeah, I can see all, it's almost like a visual thing. I can almost see them. It's my, that's a supertaster Paul. My nose, I call it the nose vision I have. It's so good, my taste, sense of smell and my taste that I can actually it almost represents itself visually the ghosts of former chocolates and I can see there are someone has been sitting on that sofa there

Starting point is 00:40:53 I'm just gonna let this play out because I'm not invested crunching Maltesers yeah but I can almost in my smell vision I call it oh my eyes blinking I! It's saying don't eat that Mars bar! It's bad news for Eli if he eats that Mars bar! Oh! Oh! No one likes your psychic bumhole. Well, fortunately one person who matters does. And that person is me, so we'll be doing it for as long as I can stomach it. You can't! That's what's coming out your bum! Oh my, my, alright.

Starting point is 00:41:21 My eyes, Eli, it's saying to you, don't stop the bumhole material. It's saying it'd be bad news for you. If I kibosh its own material. You cannot kibosh my brown eye. I will not let you kibosh my brown eye. I've had enough of, I've had just about enough of this. My blinking eyes saying don't mess with forces you don't understand. Right, anyway, so it is all to say we're doing a spin on Off Brand Brand Off.

Starting point is 00:41:46 I have a mix of branded and unbranded ready salted crisps. Ready salted crisps. And you're going to taste a crisp from each bag and rank them. That one's nice flavor profiles, because I remember seeing online a little while ago, someone saying, ah, all fucking ready salted crisps are the same anyway, who gives a fuck, right? And I was like, well, that's patently not true. I don't believe that to be true either, Paul, and I'm hoping to prove it here Yes.

Starting point is 00:42:10 by being able to distinguish these crisps. No. I think I'm able to distinguish. Well, just in the range of how these are prepared and produced en masse, it's going to be different from company to company. I mean, I'm going to go through all the flavours in the bag so you know, it's not going to be like a completely blind thing. But one of them is Smith's crisps. And this How It All Began book has the history of the Smith's Crisps. Would you like to hear the history?

Starting point is 00:42:31 Smith's is the original crisp brand. Let's hear about that now. As we're about to find out. So in the early 1900s, Frank Smith was the manager of Carter's, a wholesale grocery company in the city of London. In 1910, Mr Carter, the company's proprietor, brought from abroad a recipe for a French speciality table dish, the thinly sliced potatoes cooked in oil. So it came from a French dish? Isn't it like that, what's that meal where you have thinly sliced potatoes? Dauphinoise. Yeah, it must come from something like that, right? Maybe a dauphinoise went wrong and it fell in the fat, one of these things.

Starting point is 00:43:04 Who knows? Funny because you get um chips as well come from from pomme ronde. They've they're big uh they're big potato dish innovators the French aren't they? French fries. Well there we go. The idea of making and selling these appealed to Mr Frank Smith. The two men after experimenting with hand cutting equipment... Cory, what other man? Mr. Carter. Oh, his boss. And Frank Smith were involved in the company together.

Starting point is 00:43:30 So they tried hand cutting equipment to get the potato slices of uniform thickness and decided to market the product as a potato crisp in 2D bags. What does 2D, what would that be? Is it pens? What's D mean? Oh, shillings or whatever. Yeah, that's old old money isn't it? But they must be very cheap.

Starting point is 00:43:48 Yes. Distribution was by horse-drawn vehicles and was very local. The idea did not show any signs of growth as neither the trade nor the public really knew what a potato crisp was. Funny. So you just go around in London in a horse and can't say… What's this crap? Potato crisps! No they weren't French. No they'd be like…

Starting point is 00:44:04 Potato crisps! I think they were for London, Paul? Potato crisps! No, they weren't French. No, they'd be like, Ah, potato crisps! More like... I think they were for London, Paul. Ah, potato crisps! No, that's still getting north. Ah, potato crisps! There you go. Potato crisps!

Starting point is 00:44:12 No, you're weird. You're me eye. Right. You can't just say my eye! My eye says don't stop me. When every time I get fucking critical. My eye is very protective. Mr. Carter was not wildly enthusiastic, but Frank Smith saw the

Starting point is 00:44:26 great possibility in the product. In 1920, he branched out. He branched. In 1920, he browned out on his own. Your eyes affecting you. With a 10,000 pound, which must have been fucking tons of money back in the day. Hundreds of thousands probably. Yeah. Capital subscribed by himself and two friends. There he formed Smith's Potato Crisps Limited. A staff of 12 began to work in a converted store behind the Crown Hotel in Cricklewood. Ah, that's good detail. Yeah, this time the business... Do you know the Crown? I know where it is, yeah. No, it's very distinctive, massive pub and hotel. Is it still there? Yeah, it's very distinctive. We've been past it. Oh. It's that big one up on Cricklewood High Road.

Starting point is 00:45:06 Oh yeah, okay. You know what I mean? Big Victorian sort of pub hotel thing. The home of crisps. Behind there. Oh, we should go up there. Maybe that's why it's called Cricklewood, because crisps go Crickle Crackle. Crickle Crackle Wood.

Starting point is 00:45:17 Crispy Wood. I've got Crispy Wood, mate. I tell you. Fuck me. Anyway, it's like an old dead tree, my fucking dick. Goodness be words. Anyway, this time the business did grow rapidly and even sales in London overtook production. By 1921, other factories were open to cope with the demand.

Starting point is 00:45:40 In 1922 came the addition of the now famous salt packet, the salt wrapped in a blue paper twist. This quickly became Smith's trademark. So one of the Chris Today spoilers is Smith's Salt and Shake, although now it's owned by Walker's, that brand. Indeed. Walker's are owned by PepsiCo. Yeah, it's a Frito Lay, isn't it? So they still come with a little blue sachet of salt, which I've already shaken and shuffled into the bag. You've already shaken it and and shuffled into the bag. You've already shaken it down and shuffled it into the bag.

Starting point is 00:46:06 Weirdly enough, maybe Salt and Shake is one of the oldest brands of crisp in the world then, right? No, it must be. This is the story, but I think this is an appropriate time to bring this up, Paul. I'm aware of this story, and in fact, I think I'm going to try and fill you in a bit. Oh, my brown eye, my psychic eye! Everyone in a bit, after you've finished, my psychic eye. Everyone in a bit after you finish the end of this story. I watched a program about the crisp wars of the 80s and 90s in Britain,

Starting point is 00:46:32 but that told a potted version of what you're talking about now. Smith's inventing crisps essentially. Yeah. I want to know what about the American? That's what I want to know. Fuck them for now because frankly this is a British show and we should be concentrated on British concerns. Up until 1939, production was almost entirely on a manual basis. A gas-fired furnace heated a large tank of ground nut oil. A cook cut potato slices, cooked them in oil, draining them ready for packing. But in the 50s, with automation came greater expansion.

Starting point is 00:47:02 In 1961, Smith's Potato Crisps Ltd took over other competitors producing not only crisps but nuts and biscuits. KP. Which is where that came from. Right. And also… Because KP is a division of… It was. I mean, it's all… I don't know where it is all now.

Starting point is 00:47:16 No. Also during this period, the product itself was developed and flavored crisps were introduced. Their arrival brought quite a boost to sales. Also in 1968 General Mills Inc, a large American food organisation, acquired total control. Smith's Potato Crisps became Smith's Food Inc. Today, I mean this is 1990 whatever now, so they had 10 factories in the UK, automatic cookers taking 6,000 pounds of potatoes hourly produce fourteen hundred pounds of Finnish crisps per hour.

Starting point is 00:47:46 Now that was in whatever this is 95 96. Obviously Morris who wrote this book. Yeah. We like him for writing the book but I think he his research is wrong there because a program I saw a channel four program about the crisp wars of the 90s. Yeah. Basically about the story about how dominance of the market was acquired by walkers. Right.

Starting point is 00:48:07 But he says that flavoured crisps were introduced. Around the 50s and 60s. There is a company that introduced them. It wasn't introduced by Smiths, it was introduced by, can you guess? No, just tell me. It's already a fucking long segment. No, this is interesting stuff that everyone needs to hear. Well then tell us and not make a game out of this.

Starting point is 00:48:22 It's a learning process. I am not going to fucking learn a thing. Just fucking tell me fathead. Golden Wonder introduced the flavored crisp and you know what the first flavor they did? To be fair it doesn't say that they invented the flavor crisp, they just said they introduced it and it boosted their sales. To be fair. But it's sort of, it's just for the sake of clarity and time, I think it compacts a lot of information. Which it

Starting point is 00:48:45 has to do because they're like two page articles in there. But it was Golden Wonder who introduced the first flavoured crisps and the first flavoured crisp was... Hedgehog. Cheese and onion. Cheese and onion. And it was a huge thing for the industry and Smith were on the back foot right from the introduction by Golden Wonder of cheese and onion. They had to, and you know what their response was? What? Quavers.

Starting point is 00:49:06 Fine. Quavers early on. A fine rebuttal, my friend. A fine rebuttal. Anyhow, and Smith's also had another sub-type of crisp, which was for a different type of market called Tudor. Tudor crisps. Do you remember them at all? No. It was Golden Wonder who throughout up until the 90s were the big players, the big boys of the Crisp World. But they had a huge fire in one of their factories, Golden Wonder did in like 1990, huge fire and it took out 50% of their production overnight.

Starting point is 00:49:37 And they never recovered. One of their old chip cookers blew up. Yeah, and they never recovered. And the thing is Walkers, because Golden Wonder had been like dominant for so many years, their equipment was all sort of janky and old. And I remember noticing that Golden Wonder crisps often had like green ones in and like bit manky bits. Yeah, but do you know what I mean? The quality. But then when Walkers came in, you could see they were much more uniform and they had this sort of, you know, so Walkers won the war of quality over them because Golden Wonders old equipment was there. However, for the sake of this segment, we're going to be doing only ready salted crisps, the basics, the very basics. And just to reiterate, like the salt and shake bag, we had to add your salt when the companies would already just add the salt for you. That's why we

Starting point is 00:50:21 got the phrase ready salted. They were already salted. So that's what we're doing today. Six packets of crisps. I'll tell you now what the crisps are. Now, these aren't the order I'm going to give you them in, but we have Kettle, lightly salted potato chips. Walker's, ready salted. The market leader. Walker's, salt and shake.

Starting point is 00:50:40 Poor old Smith's, they've lost them. Exactly the same. I'm not going to distinguish them. Ready salted. Tesco brand. This is their basics. See the soft brand there. Smith's crisps, Reddy Salted. They still make those. I told you they did. This is from B&M. Crazy. And then we have Tesco's finest sea salt. So those are their sort of kettle clones. Okay. Now it is time to put your taste buds to the test because we're going to now, Mr Silverman, straight away put you through the rank it off challenge.

Starting point is 00:51:08 Six crisps, six ready salted packets. How will you rank them? How will you enjoy them? What will come out on top? What will be bottom of the barrel? We're going to find off in Paul Gannon's... Find off? ...Rank Me Off. Yeah, find off. We're going to find off. We're not going to find off, Paul.

Starting point is 00:51:22 It's Mike Brown on my eye. You're such a cunt. Say, the more you fight me, mate, the more bad looks come in your way. Don't just use the right word! I mean, all this stuff that is fucking information-rich stuff that I say gets cut, and you just don't even say the right word, and that all stays in. Yeah, it's gold, that's why. Fuck you.

Starting point is 00:51:41 Right now, Daddy Gannon has just got a lot of ready-salted crisps he wants to stick in your mouth. I'm up up for this Paul! So Daddy Gannon wants to get it! I'm up for it! You let Daddy Gannon get what he wants! I also want to say just before I put the blindfold on, I'm gonna have a go trying to guess which crisp is which as well. Well that's a brucy bonus but it's not on your head to do so. The ranking is the thing. Yeah it's just the ranking. I want you to rank me off after this. Fuck's sake. I know, but whatever. You're so desperate. Desperate man. You're desperate. Every time we fucking do this show, you're desperate to stop doing it. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:52:14 Well, that's a bit of an admission, isn't it? Yes. You don't enjoy doing this podcast. Not anymore, no. Not anymore. I lost the love of this a long time ago. Exactly. I'm gonna go out on my own thing. Anyway, we're gonna show this after this break. Okay, so we have six crisps and we're gonna give them one at a time.

Starting point is 00:52:35 Now, I will say this, you can have one crisp. I'm gonna try and find you an equal size crisp as much as possible. Well, but we'll see. What I will say is if you have a crisp and you haven't made up your mind, I will give you a second crisp from that bag, all right? Yes. But once you move on from the bag, you cannot go back. Okay. Okay. So I'm going to, I'm going to give him now crisp number one from my selection. Well, I can't put this anywhere. I just have to eat it and just put it down because I'm ranking them, all right? Yeah. So the first one just comes, it's just.

Starting point is 00:53:04 Well, that'll be your baseline basically, won't it? it? Okay. I'm just finding you a nice big one now they can obviously Very in terms of crunch. Yeah thickness hand out Sort of how much of a sort of cooked? Yeah quality they have how greasy they are. There's a lot of variable There's lots of variables, but it's up to you now to break it all down That has almost a stale potato smell to me. This is crisp number one how greasy they are. There's a lot of variables. There's lots of variables, but it's up to you now to break it all down. That has almost a stale potato smell to me. This is crisp number one. So you don't need to rank this one because it's your first crisp, but from that one, you can say

Starting point is 00:53:34 whether the next crisp is better or worse, et cetera. Well, that had a nice woody potatoiness and a nice crunchy texture. OK, quite rustic, thick, crunchy, but didn't taste as stale as the smell. Or was the smell too off-putting thick, crunchy but didn't taste as stale as the smell or was the smell too off-putting? No, it did not taste as stale as the smell and I would say under-salted. A little bit too plain tasting. Nice potato flavour, nice texture, the seasoning not there for me and I do have a feeling that is the like the Tesco, I would say just off the off the head. Yeah. I'd say that's the Tesco generic brand one. Okay, all right, I'll write this down then, all right?

Starting point is 00:54:08 Yeah. All right, so I'll write the name. But again, I might change my mind about my guess. Which is fine, but I'll write it down for now. Decent first crisp, that. Do you wanna wash your palette, have you done that yet? No, it's okay. Okay, here is crisp number two.

Starting point is 00:54:19 It's a little bit broken, but it's still integrity. It's still integrity. It's still integrity. Okay. It's a bit bigger. Oh, it's a bit spikier. This one broke as I was pulling it's still integrity. It's still integrity. Okay. It's a bit spikier. This one broke as I was pulling it out. Less odour. Okay. Less odour. I'm just getting a faint oiliness on the nose. He's putting it in his mouth, he's making the crunch crunch sounds and he'll be back now to report upon what he thinks

Starting point is 00:54:40 the flavour of that particular crisp. Saltier. Crisp number two. Thinner cut, saltier, crisper. Okay. Less woody, less fibrous. Mmm. More of a thinner, crisp, sort of disappears in the mouth quicker. Buttery, less buttery, more oily. I'd say it was slightly more greasy, but not in a better way. Okay.

Starting point is 00:54:58 I'd say that's a higher quality crisp. That could even be a kettle. I don't think it is though. I'm going to put that one place above. One place above. Definitely preferred it and I think that, you know what I think that is? I think that's the sort of the kettle clone, the off-brand kettle one. Oh the Tesco Finest. The Tesco Finest. Okay do you want me to write Tesco Finest down then? Write it down for now, I might change my mind, but I think that's what that is. Yeah okay, here we go then with crisp number three. It almost had that kind of a batch fried kettle,

Starting point is 00:55:27 that kind of ultra greasy crunchiness that you associate with kettle, but it didn't have quite the crunch of a real kettle. It was thinner, fits thinner slice than a real kettle. Hand out. Here's crisp number three. Crisp number three being presented to him. This smells like a kettle crisp.

Starting point is 00:55:44 Okay, what gives it away with a kettle crisp then? If it is a kettle crisp. It's just so rigid in my hand. It's really, it's even from the finger touch. It's much harder. Oh yeah. Shut up. Oh yeah.

Starting point is 00:55:58 It's crunchy. You can hear the crunch. You can hear it. You can hear it and you can feel it. That is definitely the kettle. Okay, but where do you rank it though? Again, do you put it below that one? You just had above the Tesco below the Tesco We know that's the best crisp I've had so far. So you want it at the top so far then?

Starting point is 00:56:13 All right, let's put it and that's a kettle. I'll be I mean the only other possibilities that could be the the Tesco kettle clone Okay, right. It could be but from what I've tasted so far, I'd say that was a kettle. I knew it when you put it in my hand mate. I knew when you put it in my hand that's a kettle. They've got a distinct oil sort of flavour. Again, they're oily these high ones. Right, hand out for the next and fourth crisp. Fourth crisp coming. There you go. Okay, nice size crisp, nice and round. Nice and round. This is what you'd expect from like, you know, a standard Nice and round. Nice and round. This is what you'd expect from like, you know, a standard manufacturer like Walker's.

Starting point is 00:56:46 Yeah. In it goes. And he's giving it a good old munchies. All Larty Day dough, Gar. Very similar to our first crisp. Okay, fair enough. That sort of fibrous, bit thicker cut. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:56:57 Again, you don't have to say what it is, but where do you rank it on what you've eaten so far? And it's a personal taste, I give you that. It's saltier than the first one. Okay. I would put it... Texture's preferable. It's fine, nice and crunchy. It that it's saltier than the first one. Okay, I would put it textures preferable It's fine. Nice and crunchy doesn't taste. Yeah fine again. I prefer the kettle style ones Yeah, I would put this in second to bottom if you see what I mean in between so

Starting point is 00:57:13 Between number two and number one because number one is your baseline. Yeah, okay So I'm gonna put four in between there between but it to the good Yeah, not yeah, yeah, not below the first yeah better than the first one above the first It was very similar to the first Chris, but it had better salt, okay Do you want to have a guess at the brand again? I think that's the salt and shake I think that's the salt and shake okay, because it had a sort of uneven saltiness which would come from the shift shaft shaft Oh very very astute But I might be wrong and the first one was so underalted that I'm thinking that might have been the salt and shake and it's

Starting point is 00:57:45 Just a crisp that didn't you know because it's not a reliable mixing method the shake of the pack You know some some of them might have missed out in your cursory shaking. That's true It's now the penultimate crisp place fifth of sixth crisp. Oh, this is a big boy It's a big boy. I've never given him a crisp nice and round nice around It's just a decent crisp, you know It's a very much like the first first my one I've got in first place in terms of texture that kind of woody quite thick Yeah, I bristness the flavor. Okay, very similar. It's very similar to number one That was okay

Starting point is 00:58:20 similar way you want to put it you want to put it above that first one and below the fourth one you thought was salt and shaker? Put it in there please. Put it in there please. Okay so this is nice. Not terrible. A bit better salt than the first one. I think that is the Smith's. Okay. The Smith's normal ready salted one. Okay. That's what I think that is. All right and you think that is the Smith's. So what would this last one make this last one? What have I guessed them to be? Err hang on. Please tell me because I want to see whether this is the Smiths. So what would this last one make this last one? What have I guessed them to be? Er, hang on. Please tell me, because I want to see whether this is the one that I left out. I've just got a little bit of rewriting because I'm moving the thing around on the page.

Starting point is 00:58:52 So, what did you say? What did you ask me the question again now that I've done my notes? Which one have I not guessed yet? You've got one more to go. You said at the bottom was the first Crisp, and you said that was Tesco, right? The one above that was the one you just had. That was number five, so that you said was Smith's. Yeah. The one above that you ranked was what you called Salt and Shake, that's number four.

Starting point is 00:59:11 Yeah. The next crisp above that you said was Tesco Finest and that was the second crisp you had. And then at the very top so far is the crisp number three, which you said was Kettle. So which one haven't I guessed one of them was going to be? Er, Walkers. Oh yeah, Walkers Plain, yeah. Alright, but here's your last crisp. So if this tastes like a Walkers, then I'm feeling good about myself.

Starting point is 00:59:31 But the one that I've got in second position, below the Kettle Chip, I feel that could be the Walkers. Okay, well. So I might change my guess. It's up to you though. Right, he's having a sniff of the last crisp. Same sort of, that first one really did have a sort of off potato kind of smell, none of the others have. So he's going with the last crisp now, he's having a crunch of that. Let's see where he ranks it, let's see where he spanks it.

Starting point is 00:59:51 This is the um, what? This is crisp number six, where you gonna put it? Okay, I'm changing, I'm putting it in third place. Below crisp three and crisp two? Yes. So this is gonna be crisp six, okay. But I'm gonna change my guess, So I'm sticking with the rankings. Right. I think the crisps that I have in second position.

Starting point is 01:00:09 From the bottom? No, from the top. Okay. So the, yes. Okay. I think that is. You currently say that is Tesco finest. I think that's the walkers. The one that I just had. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:00:20 Is the Tesco finest. Okay. Yeah. And the one, the top one is the kettle. Okay. That hasn't changed. And that's still the same. So I'm going to tell you now. Can I turn my blind bolt? Yes you can. I'm gonna tell you now how you went and I'm gonna do it in how... You tasted them as well didn't you Paul? On the way but... Well I'd like to know your opinion man. Well it's hard because I saw what I was putting in my mouth. Yeah but I still wouldn't want to know. There is a church

Starting point is 01:00:41 and state difference between the kettle and the finest with all the other crisps because I think the one that It's the thickness of the cup more than anything else isn't it? The smaller packet crisps tend to have uniformity to them and it's kind of marginal about what the difference is Whereas you know you've got these kettle ones which are made to be more rugged or crunchy or rustic Rustic Paul yes How do you want this revealed? Shall I just tell you in terms of ranking?

Starting point is 01:01:01 I'll say you rank the top one was this, but it was actually this is number three. Yes, please. So here we go. From the least favorite up to my favorite. So you want to go from the bottom up? Yeah. All right. OK, so you said at the bottom, number one,

Starting point is 01:01:14 Crisp, which was the first one you had, was Tesco. It was my least favorite. You were correct. So I'm going to give you a tick there. This is a, for anyone taking notes at home, he's going to get betwings, but these do not class as price of right Pertwings. These are Rankoff Pertwings. Similar but different.

Starting point is 01:01:31 Please do not confuse them. They will not be added to his tally for the main game. Okay. All right. Okay. So a Pertwing already for you. There's no extra Pertwings. It is Pertwing between by nature.

Starting point is 01:01:40 I'm happy that I got that. This all goes to show that the guy was wrong on Twitter. Oh, yeah. Now, next one up. Next one up over that was crisp number five, which you said was the Smith crisp. Yes, but to be fair to me, I haven't tasted Smith's crisps in years. No, no, no. It felt a bit old school. It felt a bit like a Golden Wonder crisp. Yeah. So it has that vibe. Yeah. Yeah. So you said second crisp was crisp number five and you said that was Smith's. Crisp number five was actually a Smith's crisp,

Starting point is 01:02:12 Mr. Silverman. Oh my God, I'm a crisp genius. Right, now we go to the third most popular. That was crisp number four. Yeah, which I changed my mind on, didn't I, after I had... No, you changed the penultimate one round. Yes. So you said in the third position was crisp number four. Yeah, which I changed my mind on, didn't I, after I had to? No, you changed the the penultimate one round. Yes.

Starting point is 01:02:27 So you said in the third position was crisp number four. You said that was salt and shake and it was salt and shake. You're doing very well, Mr. Silverman. I could tell because of the granularness of the salt crystals. Right. Now in fourth position. Oh, my God, I've done so well at this. I may have confused those. You said it was crisp number six.

Starting point is 01:02:46 We've got the kettles to go, don't we? Yeah. So you said crisp number six was in the fourth position. We're going up towards my favorites. So you said that was Tesco finest number six. The answer was... It may have been the kettle. It was the kettle. Yeah, see, I wanted to change my mind.

Starting point is 01:03:01 It's the taste of the oil is more kettle, which means my favorite was the Tesco's finest I'm sure. Yes so you said the second best was Chris number two which you said was Walker's and you would be right. That is it's the it has a quality to it it's definitely distinctive from those other ones and then that's why it won the war in the 90s. And then at number one Chris number three you said that was test uh, but it was in fact Tesco's finest. I got them confused. The kettle types.

Starting point is 01:03:27 Yeah. There's a there's a more distinct. I don't know if you agree with me, Paul, but the kettle has a more distinct flavored oil. It has more of the peanut oil flavor. They're very similar. They're very similar. What would you prefer though, out of interest?

Starting point is 01:03:40 I prefer the Tesco's finest. Well, there we go. Tesco's finest. And it was a little bit cheaper than the kettle. I think the kettle was 130, the Tesco's finest was like 119 or something. So yeah. They're better. It's the oil taste is better. And also, apart from Walker's, which has its own kind of slightly buttery vibe going on. It's softer isn't it? And it's thinner and sort of it just has a distinct, a distinctness the Walker's. Yeah and all these are much of a muchness really, the bottom three. They are, but I was able to distinguish them.

Starting point is 01:04:06 Very well done. I was actually genuinely surprised you were hitting it as far as you did, and it was only the kettle conundrum that tripped you up really, wasn't it? So after that you get four well-earned potwings from that rank-off. Rank-off potwings everybody. You've ranked me off, I'm satisfied, and now it's time for Paul to go sleepy time. Are you? Yeah, I always have a sleep after a wank, don't I? Which is why I should never do it when I'm on and now it's time for Paul to go sleepy time. Are you? Yeah, I always have a sleep after a wank, don't I?

Starting point is 01:04:25 Which is why I should never do it when I'm on the bus. N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n What's that? That's Mel and Kim. Yeah. Show it out. Only takes a minute girl. That's a different song he's on now. I'm on a vibe now because I'm feeling funny. He's feeling a vibe. I'm feeling like my joke moniker of Resident Super Taster has actually got something behind it, mate. Mate, it's that magic we're using. I'm good at it. You're actualizing it. I am actually good at tasting crisps aren't I? You're actualizing it. You're thinking about it. You're saying it. It's becoming it. You're making it happen with left hand magic mate.

Starting point is 01:05:13 We can do this. Get into dark shit. Oh it's blinking. I've got a premonition coming through my back door eye. It's saying, Eli, your futures and crisps, your futures and crisps. But it says no, no discos. No disco crisps. Discos are great crisps. I nearly got discos, but I think they were obviously way too different in texture. Yes, because they are. And I didn't get sea brooks for the same reason, because they're ridged. So you know. Yes, that was the next innovation after flavours, was the Quaver, which was when they first

Starting point is 01:05:45 did the mashed pelleted and then... Puffed! You could have a Monkuli factory, all you'd need is me going pfft, pfft, and you have these little pellets of... What did you say it has to be on gauze? You have to put it into a gauze and then you have to keep it at the temperature of a horse's womb for a couple of weeks. Oh yeah, well you could actually have horse's wombs.

Starting point is 01:06:02 A battery of horse's wombs, a battery farm of horses. Woohoo! God. No, to be fair, you only have to keep the temperature of a womb, you don't need the horses itself. But I think just to make the magic work we should get a load of horses in and fill them with spunk. It could be a new horror franchise.

Starting point is 01:06:18 Make tiny Eli's, tiny Borgs. Homunculi Factory. Yeah. And Homunculi Factory 2, return to the horses' womb. Yeah. And Homunculi Factory 2 return to the horse's womb. Yeah and Homunculi Factory 3 electric boogaloo. You are just the worst. Your mind is empty. It's not empty. It's empty. Oh that's winking. Oh my god. Do you know what's not going to catch on I think Paul.

Starting point is 01:06:40 My brown thinking. My brown mystic eye is going to catch on. My mystic brown eye. What does it think about? It's prospects on the show. Yeah, hang on, it's coming through. It's coming through. Oh, he's saying big success. Big success. It's saying this morning, interview. You're gonna be on this morning. Showing my ring piece off. Open your eyes. Open your eye. There's a little head coming out of me bummo with little baby arms yeah and I think I have exhausted this now you have so I'm gonna stop who's the best taste crisper shaft damn right press the button press the fucking button I'll press the fucking button I'm a button fucking presser, that's me.

Starting point is 01:07:30 Eli, I've booked the date for the Trash Cam Film Festival. Oh yeah, you forgot to say at the top. Didn't forget to say. I've neglected to say. Have they said about the samples? What's happening with that? You're gonna get two samples upfront and then the rest. When are they coming? I don't know.

Starting point is 01:07:40 Before, I don't know. They haven't said anything. My nose has got all stabs up there. Listen, can you focus on the information we need to impart and then we can riff. So, let's just... before the before. I don't know. YouTube, for the Trashcan Film Festival, a whole host of popular names in the Cheap Show history. We've got some short films, we're going to do awards, there's going to be an Actors Roundtable, there's going to be a lot of like the Cinematore. And the headlining film will be my piece about the process. Well no, if yours is in competition, then it can't be the headlining piece, otherwise you have to take it out of competition.

Starting point is 01:08:18 But I've won awards for my work. That's true, but you have an option, it can either be in competition and be up for best director, actor and all that stuff or you can take it out. I don't see why I have to go through this process. I mean well because I've established last week that I can't offer favors to you just because you're part of Cheap Show. If you want to take part in it you've got to go. You know what would help me feel better about this Paul? What? If I had the samples. I know you I know you've fucking got them. I know you're pretending. I haven't got them. You're pretending. I'm not pretending. Listen, I saw you, I saw you with that Brian Graxton.

Starting point is 01:08:50 I saw you. They weren't the samples. I live here in London. They weren't the samples. What the fuck were they? Looked like they looked like the new ones. No, they were. They looked like DX2.

Starting point is 01:08:59 They were experimental Viagra that they've been. Oh, I see. No. Okay. Say no more. Yeah. So thanks for bringing that up, mate, because, you know, I've been having a bit of a problem down there lately.

Starting point is 01:09:07 Okay, yeah. And he said, you can get me some of the graxton blue pill stuff. And it was a fucking battle because I had to fight for your samples. And as a result, I can't get hard now. So do you want to say thank you for the fact that I'll be living for months? All right, thanks. Just so you can have your little swabs, your little report swabs. So please join us on YouTube Saturday, 8th of June for the Trash Cam Film Festival.

Starting point is 01:09:29 It's going to be quite the night, we assure you. Indeed. And thank you very much for supporting us on Patreon. If indeed you do. If you'd like to go to patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show, give what you can. But only if you can. Only if you can. There's videos and extra podcasts and behind the scenes stuff and access to the magazine and all kinds of lovely things for all kinds of tiers of enrollment. And we have upgraded the technical equipment we use for our videos and stuff. They look a bit better now.

Starting point is 01:09:58 It looks a bit better. Less handheld camcorder and more nice camera lens stuff. Nice camera lens stuff. Again, we couldn't have done it without the Patreon backers that allows us to do these kind of things. So thank you very much. Anything else you want from Cheap Show, go to our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. There's a designated page for every episode.

Starting point is 01:10:16 There is links to videos, links to all sorts. Just go to thecheapshow.co.uk and from there you can find us on social media and what nottary. That's it. and from there you can find us on social media and what nottary. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Do you want to ask it a question? Ask it a question and see what it says. You're not playing this game with you. All you gotta do is ask a question and then say I wish I may, I wish I might, you're a dirty bum, please say tonight. Paul, if you want to just um, what give up on this segment and leave and wrap this up I'm just gonna go. I could just,

Starting point is 01:10:58 yeah, I think, coffee after we've done. I'd love a cup of tea actually. Shall I stop doing the bumhole stuff? Stop doing the bumhole stuff, please. Ooh, ooh, ooh, it's going, it's fading, ah, ooh, ah. Ooh, it's gone. Oh, did it pop off? I've lost one homunculi and one little arse goblin now tonight. What a fucking waste of magic. What a waste of our time. Well, wait, stop. Apart from that bit with the crisps, I fucking was predominant.

Starting point is 01:11:23 Prenominant, yes you were. I stand predominant. Let's just go,-p-p-prenominant? I was... I stand predominant. Let's just go. Let's just go. We've done enough now. I'm happy to go. I'm out of here. Bye then. Bye. Bye everyone.

CheapShow - Ep 382: A Right Royal Ready Salted Rank Off

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