CheapShow - Ep 386: Celebrities Squared

Starting point is 00:00:00 Failure. Failure from the first. What is failure? How fail? What failure? What be fail? You're doing it. Tell me how to fail, Eli. I don't need to tell you.

Starting point is 00:00:14 Tell me how to fail. I do not need to tell you. What is fail? What is this? What is failure, Eli? Who is this? Who am I talking to? I am the Prophet. The Prophet?

Starting point is 00:00:26 The Prophet of Pun. Okay. And do you have a pun for me today? No. Good character. I have to say Paul. Very good. Go back a bit.

Starting point is 00:00:36 Go back a bit. Go back. Ask me who I am again. Do that. Shh. Do it. Who are you? Oh, I am the Prophet.

Starting point is 00:00:44 Oh yes? The Prophet of what? I am the Prophet. Oh yes, the Prophet of what? I am the Prophet of Whimsy Woo. Of Whimsy Woo, well... Poo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo- When you've had a newborn or something and it's done a really bad shit and you just open the nappy Pooey stink! It can take you by surprise Yeah it did as well, it's an eye opener How bad you were, took you by surprise Retina stinger of a surprise that one

Starting point is 00:01:13 Retina stinger Yeah, a good old nose fire, isn't it? It's a good old hot one Hot one? Yeah, hot todder Anyway, I am the prophet No really So tell me what is failure?

Starting point is 00:01:28 Have you ever seen the co-host that you do this with? Prophet of Whimsyworth? The loser Paul Gannon. The loser Paul Gannon. Even the voices he don't do. He is not long for this world. Oh please. He is not long. Let's not get into this.

Starting point is 00:01:44 I have seen it. This isn't Whimsy. I have seen it. It is Whimsy. This please. He not long. Let's not get into this. This is a whimsy. I have seen it. It is a whimsy. He die on cloud. You're being prescient about his passing. He die on cloud on unicorn cloud. He die on unicorn cloud. Ooo. Right I'm out of this. Bored now. You're so boring. Hello everyone I'm Eli silverman hello everybody. I'm cheap show silverman. This is cheap show garden Hello welcome to the podcast Fucking credits Hop, hop, random, hop, hop, random. Organic, Eli Silverman. Welcome to Jeep Show.

Starting point is 00:02:33 Sources and words and phrases. Two things I'm responsible for. Chodney, Chodney Borough. I hate you, I've got fucking be you as well, Posse. It's the price of shame. Welcome to Cheap Show. Good daytide to you. Time day. Or good evening noughts.

Starting point is 00:03:10 All Morrington ways, all the sideways. Gruffington byways. What? Look at all, we can't start talking shit this quick. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show. It's the Comedy Comedy podcast where me, Mr Paul Gannon Esquire goes through the bargain bin, the charity shops and pound lands with my good friend. What about me?

Starting point is 00:03:26 I was working it out. What about me? With my good chumity boy boy, Mr Eli Silverman. Hello, good day to you, Morrington Chadwick. Good watch to dodge. Good day. Right, so hello, welcome to the Cheap Show. Yes, this week we are investigating some cheap food in an off-brand Brandoff and we have a Gannon's Golden Games. With a game I'm surprised we haven't ever done

Starting point is 00:03:49 on this show before. It's a very famous game but not one that I remember from my childhood. Was it a bit before our time maybe? Maybe? No? Well, I mean it's still going on and off to this day. It's still going to this day? Shush, shush, shush, for sure. We shall mention what the game is a bit later on in the show. Hang the lantern on it, you gotta tell him. Here's a little clue though. Here's a cryptic clue. Famous people rectangle. That's reasonably awful. But they won't get it. No they will. I think most people would get that now. Famous people rectangle. Yeah but it's not, I mean.

Starting point is 00:04:19 What about this? What? No. Because it's not going to be any better than that one, which I thought was a bit on the nose. Um, star... right angle shape. Right, no. Do you know what? Do you know what what? Do you know what what? We're doing celebrity squares later. You haven't given me a chance to say anything yet. You went past where I say my name. Go on, say your name.

Starting point is 00:04:43 And you also said what was coming up on the show before I could say what's coming up on the show today. Alright then let's do it again. Welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast where I, Paul Gannon, go for the bargain bin to the charity shops and pound lands of Great Britain with my good friend… Eli Silverman. Hi everybody. Paul. Yes.

Starting point is 00:04:56 What's coming up on the show today? Why? We have a Off Brand Brand Off, Oh, Nomadty Nom Chom Choms and we have a Gannon's Golden Games where we'll be playing the game Celebrity Squares. Oh, now you've given it away now? Well, you gave it away. So, particularly on the nose, bad clue. What, you think of a better clue then?

Starting point is 00:05:13 All right, okay. It would have been a sh- I would have said something like, where the stars align. Oh, fuck off. Fuck you! See, that works, doesn't it? Because the concept of the game show

Starting point is 00:05:23 is basically tic-tac-toe with questions. Oh, is it? You have to make them align, don't you? Because the concept of the game show is basically tic-tac-toe with questions. Oh is it? And you have to make them align don't you? The stars align. Isn't that better? No. It's more obtuse. I'm not saying it's bad. It's better. It's a better clue. It's a better riddle. It's a better mystery to solve than a right-angled obtuse box celebrity. Oblong! Oblong! Oblong! Listen, before I go any further. I should have said oblong, because it's an inherently amusing word to me.

Starting point is 00:05:47 It is. Is oblong an amusing word? Yeah, oblong asks you to think about it. Oh, I've got a big old oblong. I've got a gobble on my oblong. I've got a gobble on this oblong. Gobble on the oblong. Gobble on my meat oblong.

Starting point is 00:06:00 But not for long. Because I've got a doctor's appointment, actually. Don't do it for long on my oblong. Gobble on long. Because I've got a doctor's appointment. Don't do it for long on my oblong. Choblong be gone goblong. Knobchobbery now. We've just got into absolute nonsense fucking garbage. It's fine, it's fine. Listen, as an opening gambit, I've got something for you. Someone on Twitter, I apologise now, I've lost the tweet, sent me a news article from a Scottish newspaper and I thought it's almost like a kind of text from the dance floor, shop floor, but it's not, I just wanted to read it out because I thought it was funny.

Starting point is 00:06:31 Okay, I'm all ears. The article's called Brides O'Ky the Pooh. Oh god. So what do you think that might be about? As someone shitting themselves at a wedding. Oh well, whoa. Shitting themselves or shitting on something at a wedding. This is what I might predict. Yeah. Simon leaves a hot Todd on the altar and then you

Starting point is 00:06:51 get the Canister vicar. What? It's a nice day for a brown wedding. Ooh ooh ooh. It's a nice day to wipe away. Dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum. What happened to him? He lives in LA doesn't he? He was very LA for years. He was very LA. Very LA. Right, Bride Ockytherpoo, a fuming bride, debt her kilt wearing hubby when he sat on her knee at the reception and left a skid mark on her wedding dress. Like all true Scotsman, Angus McClure, 26, didn't wear pants under his kilt when he married sweetheart Sarah Grant in Grenoche, Renfrewshire. The article goes on.

Starting point is 00:07:37 But this traditionalism led to uproar when he perched his poorly wiped backside on the 24-year-old's pristine fro frock leaving an unsightly smear. It's your wedding day, mate. Do you think on your wedding day of all days, mate, you might have been like, oh, that's not got, you know, three, the third wipe down, it's still, you know, still there, still some purchase. I might just put the tap on, put a little bit of water on it, you know, make sure because it's your fucking wedding day. Here's the thing though, maybe, maybe it's 15 minutes before the wedding, right? Everyone's in the church and he's sitting there and he's like, oh, nerves.

Starting point is 00:08:11 I'm just going to pinch one off, went to the toilet, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh no, five minutes. Oh, I'll give it a cursory wipe. White dress and thinking, what? He must have been drunk. Well, the story continues after Sarah swiped at Angus so she threw a punch at him. Fucking hell, imagine how fucking humiliating that is for the wife. I mean honestly. Yeah true and she bowed to them. McClure and Grant clans then led the reception into bloody mayhem. They all started fighting each other.

Starting point is 00:08:41 A police source says I've been a police officer for Ingridic for 20 years or so, and I've seen a lot of wedding parties turn nasty, but this was something else. In total, seven people were arrested on the ground of the wedding venue and face public order offences. It is believed that Angus and Sarah were reconciled when they sobered up and have no memory whatsoever of the melee. Or of the mess.

Starting point is 00:09:07 The smelly melee. Yes, he's got it! Come on, that's the one. Okay, well you've got to cut in, you've got to edit it and just go when you say melee, and then you just go, or the smelly. Or the smelly melee. Right, let's get on with it. Hello, yes, audition number one for off Brand Brand Off Theme Tune. What's your name, sir?

Starting point is 00:09:31 It's John. Hello, John. And I believe you've got an Off Brand Brand Off Theme Tune for us? I do. I've based my composition on the poetry of John Betjeman. Oh, that's delightful. Oh, that's a new angle, isn't it? Just the rhythms.

Starting point is 00:09:43 Isn't it, Claire? Isn't it, Claire? That's a new angle. Oh, that's a new angle. Just the rhythms. Isn't it Claire? That's a new angle. Oh that's a lovely Claire. I'm doing all the voices today. Oh yeah that's lovely. I love John Betjeman. I do. Oh yeah I'd like to hear a bit of that. There's no actual John Betjeman poetry in this because I don't read but I'm basing it on that. Well it's very interesting all the same. Can I warm up? Can I warm up?

Starting point is 00:10:11 Please warm up. By all means. Just give me a second to warm up. By all means please warm up. I just need a moment. A moment. And then a moment to warm up. Just have a little moment to warm up.

Starting point is 00:10:21 And if you hear. Have a little moment. Alright Claire shut up. He's very rude this one. When I have my moment to warm up I might make some sounds. Okay. Oh. I'll be with you in a moment.

Starting point is 00:10:33 This is Paul now saying oh. I'll be with you in a moment okay. Yeah go on. Gah. Gah. Gah. Right I'm warmed up now. You ready? Oooooooof. Off bend, off bend, off bend, off bend, off, off bend, off, off, off, off, off, off, off,

Starting point is 00:10:49 off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off,

Starting point is 00:10:59 off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, offo, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Brando, Okay, let's have the next one. Oh god, they've been so terrible. What a bunch of cunts.

Starting point is 00:11:28 Oh, okay. Am I on the mic? Who's this then? Hello, my name's Tarquin. Oh, fuck. Hello, I've been a singer-songwriter now on TikTok for about five years. Fucking okay there. You may have heard a few of my songs. They went quite viral. They went quite viral. They went quite viral.

Starting point is 00:11:45 My mother and father, Pop Pops and Mar Mar, they gave me a special guitar that was once owned by George Harrison. Tarquin! Tarquin! Once owned by George Harrison. Tarquin! Yes? Please?

Starting point is 00:11:56 Can we just hear your tempted... Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just fucking... Oh, ding dong. Can we just hear your audition please? Oh, of course. Yes. Here we go. We're waiting. De de de de de de

Starting point is 00:12:10 You got your off brand there, your off brand there, off brand, off brand, shake it all about you do the oak cokey and you turn around And that's what it's all about. Oh Off brand, off brand, oh Off brand, off brand, oh, off, off, off brand Stop it, stop it. You spend all stretch, rah rah rah Stop it, stop it. Tarkin, Tarkin. Just bend, no, stretch, raw, raw, raw. Tarkin, Tarkin. You put your big willy in, your big willy out,

Starting point is 00:12:29 you pull it out, then you do a little shout, off brand, off brand, chuff it off, you're off brand, chuff it off, chuff, chuff, chuff. I love it, you're through to the next round. Oh, mother will be pleased, and pop pops, mama, mama, pop, pop, pops, mama, mama, mama, pop pops. What a delightful character Tarkin, the TikTok viral singer is. They're all fucking Tarkin. Bop bop bop bops, bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop b Limonade, sh- No, don't do the fucking dedication song. Right, we're doing Off Brand, Brand Off. Off Brand, Brand Off. Off Brand, Brand Off is a segment of the show where we pit branded known brands' food,

Starting point is 00:13:11 usually, against the off brand, the market stalls, the oldies' alternatives, Liddell's and such, and we basically just go, which one best, which one good? Which one is worth the money? Which one, which one? And the money, which one, which one. And I am Eli Silverman everyone, I am the resident super taster, the super taster of Cheap Show and I am coming out of the back of my biggest ever triumph in this segment Paul, I think we can both agree. Her name was Bertrude. I'm gonna just move on from that. Yeah, the sex of the bike called a triumph. I had sex what? I had what? I got buggered, did I?

Starting point is 00:13:48 I rang myself off while someone buggers me in a toilet somewhere. Is that what's happening? Is that what's going on? And my head's down, getting shoved towards the water of the toilet bowl. As they pump into me, mercilessly. I was gonna say you had sex with a Triumph motorcycle. That was my own thing. I will, I'll do that as well. A bit of auto-eroticica, or whatever they call it, don't they, when people have sex with cars. I've seen it.

Starting point is 00:14:10 They call it something else. What? Automobile erotica. Mass brumation. Mass brumation! That's when you wank over a car. You know, like you get turned on by little automatonics kids cars from kids shows. Brum.

Starting point is 00:14:20 Remember Brum the car? Imagine a big man wanking over Brum, remember Brum the car? Imagine a big man wanking over Brum. Paul, last time we played Off Brand Brand Off was a special episode where we tasted a load of ready salted crisps. Ready salted crisps. And I was able to distinguish four distinct brands of ready salted crisps. Wasn't there five wasn't it? But you got two wrong. There were six, but I got four right. I was able to distinguish Smith's, Salt and Shake, Tesco own brand.

Starting point is 00:14:49 Yeah, and the finest. And no, no, no, no, Tesco own, the ones I managed to get were Oh, the ones you managed to get, right. Smith's standard, Walker's and Tesco's own brand. I could identify all three of those in a blind taste test. The ones I got confused with were the Taste the Difference Kettle clones. Yes, that was Tesco as well. And actual kettle chips. Yeah, but that was Tesco, the finest ones, the kettle style.

Starting point is 00:15:14 They were fine, Tesco as well. We had two Tescos, the bottom end and the top end. I got those confused because I actually did prefer the Tesco own brand to the kettle. They had a less oily sort of flavor. Now, remember weeks ago, we had that huge, big fuck-off PO box coming full of food and gadgets and crisps and all sorts and I lost the letter so I can't remember the guy's name who sent it, but we've mentioned him in a previous episode and that thanks continues into this. So one of the off-brand brandos he sent was this, it was a Mexican-style microwave rice.

Starting point is 00:15:44 See, now that's why I mentioned my triumph the last time that I played Paul because I feel like I know Fuck all about this. I do not buy Mexican ready-fried whatever it's called. Yeah, I don't buy microwave rice a lot of the time cook rice. Yes I never even cook rice because I never really learned and I'm confessing this for the first time Oh, do you know I was confessing this for the first time. Oh dear. I was at my father's the other day, he was cooking rice and he said I do it pasta style. I'm like what? Was that me?

Starting point is 00:16:11 With rice like if it's got some girth to it, the rice, it's like chunky. Yeah chunky rice. You can just do it like you'd cook pasta. Stick it in a hot bowl of water and let it simmer for half an hour or whatever. With loads of water just and then drain it off. That's how I've always done it. I never knew you did that. I thought you had to do like two cups and have to be you know like all of these. in there for half an hour or whatever. With loads of water, just, and then drain it off. That's how I've always done it. I never knew you did that.

Starting point is 00:16:25 I thought you had to do like two cups and have to be, you know, like all of these. It depends because some needs a bit more science to it than others. I think that's right. Brown rice, it's like you have to have a certain amount for the weight of brown rice, then you just leave it for half an hour for it to boil. You see, but that's all very complicated. But I think with basmati and the smaller grains, if you do it like that, it just turns to mush. You see what I mean?

Starting point is 00:16:43 Well look, this is what these do. They take the worry out of that, you just posh them in the microwave. All of these are in sachet packs, well they want to call these wallet things, you know, you split the top, put them in the microwave. They're like, what were those drinks? Capri Sun. Yeah! They're like the same shape as a Capri Sun. Like an Umbongo's or something as well.

Starting point is 00:17:03 Now, did Umbongo do those ones? I thought they were carton's Umbongo's. Maybe they did, yeah. Don't say shit that you know not of, mate, about drinks, okay, or anything. So I hate having to correct you all the time. Did Chiara come in? You don't know what it is. Did Chiara come in awards?

Starting point is 00:17:18 Chiara was a carton and they did bottles as well. But no, the only one that did that was Capri Sun. That's why it's a Capri Sun. That was their selling point. That was their gimmick. They came in sachet pouches. These sort of pouches. Foil, foil sachet pouches.

Starting point is 00:17:30 Yeah, they're pouches that are close to an edge at the top. These are plasticky. Have a little base. Base on, well listen, shut up, I'm explaining. So all of these, you stick it in a microwave, you split the pack and you stick them in for two minutes, leave for a stand for one, serve. But also, you can do them on the hob.

Starting point is 00:17:46 It says you can just put them in the hob for two, three minutes, but there's no... Yeah, squeeze the pouch to separate the rice, boil in 30 millimetres of water. That's a silly thing to do. Blah, blah, blah, simmer for three, serve. That's a silly, silly thing to do, isn't it? But we're going to do these in the microwave today. That's the way they were designed for, and these are precooked Mexican-style rice. Which means what? They're spices?

Starting point is 00:18:05 Yeah, they'll have a little bit of a Mexican spice on them. Now what are the three brands and what, see I don't know anything about this, I don't know what to expect what the on brand and what the off brand is. Well the on brand, to start us off, is Ben's original Mexican style. Now they were, used to be known as Uncle Ben's. Huge corporate brand from the States featuring an elderly black gentleman as their mascot. The warm, cuddly, friendly looking face. Evuncular. Yes, Evuncular, very much so. Well, he's an uncle, that's why. But now it's just called Benz Original

Starting point is 00:18:34 because they realised. And that is because it's problematic. It's more like they probably decided to change their brand because of the association the phrase uncle has within Southern American kind of circles and racist terms and things like that. So they've removed that context from these. Now it's just Ben's. Now it's just Ben's. So they have Mexican style. They're vegetarian. That's the on brand. Bit of gump on the back but nothing really about what the flavor profile is. So Mexican style. I'm expecting to have a little bit of spicy, a little bit of tomatoey maybe. Tomatoey you'd expect because they do look orangey on the pack. A bit of spicy as well. Chili and tomato I'm expecting. The off brand. Maybe a bit lemony as well because they do look orangey on the pack. They're a bit spicy as well. Chili and tomato I'm expecting. Maybe a bit lemony as well because they like lime in Mexico.

Starting point is 00:19:09 That's true. Maybe limey, a little tartness I'm looking for maybe as well. Now this is, we have the two off brands and it is Texaco Mexican inspired rice. Perfectly cooked, ready to eat. Now this one looks like it's got little tiny bits of either tomato or red bell pepper in. Oh it's got bits in. I think. This is how I'll tell the difference. Oh yeah, that definitely looks like it's got little tiny bits of either tomato or red bell pepper in. Oh it's got bits in. I think. This is how I'll tell the difference.

Starting point is 00:19:27 Oh yeah that definitely looks like it has little bits of pepper. This one's inconclusive because the rice itself doesn't have bits in but they've put bits in the recipe. What about the bends? Oh you just told me. Yeah I just told you. These are all just serving suggestions I think none of them are going to. Well we don't know until I open them I guess.

Starting point is 00:19:42 And then this one, final one is Spicy Mexican Style Microwavable Rice by Taste of Mexico? Oh no, Lidl. Lidl on the back. So 250 grams each, they're all the same. I'm going to bash them in the oven, come back. One question, Paul. Yes. What do we think is cheaper, the Tesco One knockoff? Because we've got two knockoffs. Oh, Lidl, I'd say. I'd say the Lidl one. Lidl also, you're looking for the lowest quality there.

Starting point is 00:20:04 As we've often discovered in doing these videos, brands that are off-brand of things, like Chris especially, have very similar coloured packaging and style. So even though this Benz original is a bit more purpley, redy kind of coloured, the two knockoffs are very much orangey, browny, rustic. Yeah, I mean, yes, the Benz is a slightly darker shade, but it's a similar tone. And kind of weird Mexican style graphics in the background faded, like, see there? And it looks a little bit kind of, you know. Oh yeah, there's a little bit of design on the Tesco one there.

Starting point is 00:20:35 Anyway, I tell you what, it's time for me to stick him in the microwave, make him go ping, bring him back, and then he like and do his thing. I'm- No, that's how I sign out. I'm salivating. Oh. I'll get you a little bit of tissue to dip dab on your nipknops. Nipknots.

Starting point is 00:20:50 Let's get this in the microwave. Ping went the microwave and I have brought back the three different Mexican style infused inspired rice microwave meals for Eli to taste. They are producing a little bit of a niff in the air Paul. They are indeed. Now I'd like to ask you a question. Ask. I really don't know where I am with this week's taste test, Paul. And I'm just wondering if you think there's anything I should be looking out for

Starting point is 00:21:30 to distinguish the better from the worse. Paul Anthony I guess it's interesting because in this case it's like all much of a muchness. It's going to be down to what you prefer rather than because like literally you'd expect the Mr. Ben's, the Ben's rice to be a not Mr. Ben because that would go in and get changed and go and become a knight or something, or a spaceman for adventure. That would be fun. Mr. Ben's rice, where depending on what place you eat it, it tastes something different in the world. You can go, oh, I take this rice to Paris and it will taste of...

Starting point is 00:21:57 Didn't he do food? I never used to watch it. I'm sure he used to eat... He used to go to different parts of the world, didn't he? He used to go into a dressing room, put on a night's costume in the fancy dress thing, that was his kink, and then when he came out, he would be in a different land, and he'd be like, oh, I've walked down it. Somewhere else in the world, yeah. Yeah, but he was also in time, and he went to space and things, you know, sex dungeon stuff.

Starting point is 00:22:17 I think Mr. Ben would go, oh yeah, I'd like to go dressed up in Sausage Man. Oh yeah, and then what? Shove a f***ing salami up your arse. Let's get moving on because these are going to get cold. F***ing, oh you know what's getting cold? The point I'm trying to make is the Uncle Ben's you'd think would be of higher quality. It's not Uncle Ben's. Ben's original rice.

Starting point is 00:22:37 You f***ing bastard you. No it's just because it's bent into me head isn't it? It's bent into your head. It's Mr. Ben's rice. Shut up. It's Uncle Ben's rice. It's Mr. Uncle Ben's rice. Anyway, I'm trying to say that you'd think the best ingredients, the best rice, the

Starting point is 00:22:48 best quality of flavour would be that main major brand, right? And the other ones would taste off in some way. Yes. Or maybe, yeah, maybe it's to do with an artificialness to the flavour profile with these. Yes. But I'm looking forward to it, Paul. Well, look. And you know, often the big, big brand is the worst, like by a long way, like we did

Starting point is 00:23:04 with the Kinder Bueno's. Yeah, they were strangely horrible. They were bad. And also the instant coffee when we did that. Yes, that's true. The Gold Blend was fucking really the worst of the whole bunch. Yes. So we don't know what we're going to expect with this.

Starting point is 00:23:17 Now I think it's fair to say you could do this without the blindfold, I think, because to the eye, you don't know what came out the back and which one looks like which. There are no bits, are there? There are no bits, I can tell you. There's a few little bits in that first one, the yellow one. I'm not going to look at it too closely. There's a white bowl, a grey bowl and a glass bowl that you'll be sampling. It's not a bowl, it's a glass.

Starting point is 00:23:34 They don't fucking know and care. It's for me to, when I talk about it, the dilination. Let's just move on, it's a bowl. Okay Paul. Okay Paul, it's a glass bowl. It's a glass bowl. I denigrate myself. Yes, you fucking do. Now, which way would you like me to start with? The glass bowl? We're going to do the white bowl and then the grey bowl and then the glass bowl. I'm on the white bowl now. It's a bowl, it's a ramekin, a bowl and a cup. Right, fuck off. This has got a real cheap curry, chip shop sort of curry flavour. Rice number one.

Starting point is 00:24:09 Smell. I'm making it clear now, that this is the first one. That's a real cheap curry smell. And it shouldn't. It shouldn't. And I do know which one's which, by the way. I've taken a picture of the branded pack

Starting point is 00:24:17 next to the bowl I put it in. It's just a very cheap sort of... Well, let's just see where we go. This is your first one. The flavouring on the nose smells very cheap to me. Okay. Oh, he's pulled a little bit of a sad face with that one. What's wrong with it? It's not very warm anymore. Well let's just see where we go. The flavouring on the nose smells very cheap to me. Okay. Oh, he's pulled a little bit of a sad face with that one.

Starting point is 00:24:27 What's wrong with it? It's not very warm anymore. I know, we've been gambling for a bit and it was in the microwave. It never cooked, it didn't cook properly. No it did cook because it was fucking hot as balls when I took it out. It didn't cook properly. No it did because they were all hot as fuck. This is the problem I think with microwave rice.

Starting point is 00:24:38 It's kind of almost a bit like... No, it needed longer. It was in for two and a half minutes. They're meant to be in, it says in the pack, for one minute forty five seconds. So they were in there an extra forty five seconds. Or taste it, it did not cook. I don't care, you're eating it. This is the worst time I've ever had in my life. Eat it. We've also been nattering for five, ten minutes. That tasted of shit. What do you want me to ask you?

Starting point is 00:24:56 What do you say cheap? It tasted like admin cook properly. Why is there heat coming in this one? Because it didn't cook evenly and you're not very good at cooking stuff in the microwave. You should have given it longer. I'm going to put them in the microwave again. Yes, I do. I'm going to put the pitting again. Make them heat. It's going to, they're going back in.

Starting point is 00:25:11 Okay. Right, we're back. We're back. We've reheated. Let's get to this. Re-hotted. Go for the white one. Okay. Definitely. There's some heat on this now.

Starting point is 00:25:25 Good. Like I say, nasty cheap curry flavour. It's in, he's chewing, he's masticating. Yeah, that's cooked. All right, good, fine. So the texture's better. I did do it longer than the actual inscription on the back told me to.

Starting point is 00:25:36 Horrible, weak, sort of sweet flavour. Is it tomatoey? Are we getting tomatoes there? Yeah, that's what it is, but it's so underwhelming. Okay. There's no richness. What, is there any Mexican spice there? On the nose there's that cheap curry smell, but nothing on... I'm getting no heat.

Starting point is 00:25:51 And nothing that particularly says Mexican heat either. No. I'm just trying to see if it's true to its profile or its alleged profile. Nasty. All right, well number two is your grey bowl, and that is the second of the three items. Oh, now this has got... Oh, he's happy with this one. definitely much more Mexican odor. Okay.

Starting point is 00:26:08 Yeah, it's got, it does have a bit of that curry, but it also has more of, I don't know, you know, that sort of Mexican old El Paso taco kit smell. Yes, I know what you mean. That slightly Tex Mexi thing. Yeah. And a bit more tomato on the nose. It's similar to the smell, but it's not so sort of cheap. And the texture of this, you can already already see is much sort of moister.

Starting point is 00:26:26 Oh, more moist, moist. Oh and that's much more, yeah, more moist with... Oh the quality of the rice is better than the last one. It's much more like sticky rice. That rice was all separated and kind of brittle. Okay. You know? Oh yeah, I can see. The quality of that rice wasn't good but this is much more like sticky, like it's all stuck

Starting point is 00:26:43 together the way like nice Thai style sticky rice would or something like that. Yeah okay all right so more edible at least? Much more pleasant, much more like food and again not a lot of heat and the flavor the actual flavor is very similar and just sort of that sort of weak curry sort of but the smell is better and the texture in the mouth much much better. Makes the difference does it? It's definitely my favorite so far. Right okay so number two is his favorite so far we'll go through them

Starting point is 00:27:07 then I'll ask you to assign brand to bowl all right so your third one is the glass cup now seems to have little bits in yeah I don't know what they were bits of bits of pepper or whatever yeah it looked like little bits of bell pepper in it now this smells like baked beans okay this third one smells like baked beans I'm getting no spice really on the nose from it. What did you get for number one? He's having a sniff himself now guys. Oh yeah, the second one's much more to artemis. That one's much more fake curry. Yeah. And this one's much more tomato and spice. That's exactly what I thought. Yeah. So good. I haven't smelt the third one. He's snuffing now. That

Starting point is 00:27:38 just smells like tomato ketchup. That's got the least spice of all three. Oh, you're right. It smells like baked beans. I thought you were over exaggerating, but that is a very baked beanie scent. It smells like baked beans. I thought you were over-exaggerating, but now that is a very baked beanie scent. It smells like baked beans, so maybe... He's gonna slop it in his gobble and chop it up with his old mashy-noos. Oh, he's giving me a nod. He's happier with that. Now, what's giving you the old happy eyes?

Starting point is 00:27:58 The texture is the best. It's most like rice. Okay. It's in between the moistness of that last one or the sogginess of that last one and the real dry brittleness. The almost al dente-ish kind of thing. That's not good. The first one was not good. No. And again they've all been for the exact amount of time and in that first instance I can actually tell

Starting point is 00:28:13 you it said a lot less in the microwave. I'm not gonna tell you what brand that is but. It said less for that one. Yeah. God that was terrible. That was 130, 145 and then two minutes I think. I think that's the little. Well I mean I don't know. Have these ones. You're eating this one and you're enjoying it. This one is the most rice-y. But is it the most Mexican-y spicy? Well not on the nose but it does seem to have the most actual chilli heat. Weirdly. It smells like baked beans but it has some spice, like on the back of my palate I'm getting.

Starting point is 00:28:37 Right. Which I wasn't with the first two. Strange. Well I'll let you have a little moment to think and then we'll come right back for Eli's Thoughts and Musings. Won't we Mr Silverman? Yes we will Mr Gannon. Oh Mr Silverman, oh Mr Silverman don't do that. Oh Mr Silverman watch my cat.

Starting point is 00:28:56 Don't tickle, don't fiddle, don't do that. Oh Mr Silverman don't do that. And here I come my Mr Silver, and my hands go crawling round, and I come over the table to go diddly doop and I've got a woo woo woo. Don't do that, Mr Silverman, don't do that at all. If you touch my cat, please wash your hands and don't touch the food in the hall. We have to stop. We have to stop now.

Starting point is 00:29:21 And he comes hand-tugging across the table, scritchy-scratchy-scritch. Don't flop your cock out on the stage Mr Silverman. Do you feel like I press the button? Right, you've had a moment to muse and now I need you to tell me... I wasn't musing, I was trying to do the song, the Mr Silverman song. I know, but they don't know how much time has elapsed since we stopped recording and started again. No time, people. No, no time at all time. I've had no musing time.

Starting point is 00:29:47 Bowl 1 was the white bowl. That was the worst product here, Paul, to my taste. To your taste? That horrible, almost chemically, you know, it's like that chip shop curry, also like those, remember those curry kits that you used to get? Yes. Horrible. What were they called?

Starting point is 00:30:02 Can't remember. They had a V. You got them at university and they were terrible. Veggie rice. Oh no, they had a name. Vagimite. You know the ones I mean though. Vagisalt. No, it wasn't that. Anyway, go on.

Starting point is 00:30:11 So the white ball, what do you think it is? Oldie, Tesco, Ben. I think the Oldie is going to be the cheapest. That must be the Oldie. You're going to say Oldie for that one in the white. Worst texture, crumbly texture and an artificial sort of flavour and a almost nespartame sort of sweetness. An artificial sweetness.

Starting point is 00:30:27 I know what you mean. Okay, bowl number two was the grey one. Soggy, better texture, better flavour. Yeah, he was going in for a little nibbly woo. I'll allow it. Little bit of sweetness. Okay. Oh, he's going back for number three now, the glass one.

Starting point is 00:30:38 See that, I can't tell between two and three, which I think is better. Right. Two is more soggy, but three is more like rice-like. It all depends on if you think Ben's cooked Corners and this that and the other, or whether another brand is, you know, it all depends on the formula. I don't know. Oh yeah, that's definitely the hottest. Okay, so just focus. Grey Bowl, what do you think that is? So you've got Tesco or Ben? I think it's got to be Tesco. If I'm going off the thing that I'm assuming that Ben is

Starting point is 00:31:01 going to be the best, because it's the brand, it's the on brand. You see I mean? Yeah, I have to because I don't have any clue in this area. But that is the third one, which I believe to be the Ben's, right, is the most hot and the most rice nice sort of ricey texture in the mouth. So you think the last one in the glass bowl is the Ben's? Yes. And I think the grey bowl is the Tesco. Right. Would you like to know the actual results? I would. I'd be like to know the actual results of this off-brand taste testing session? You said the white bowl had the oldie brand in. I think that's the cheapest, it was definitely the nastiest product. Didn't cook properly, was all crumbly and an artificial flavour. The actual brand of that bowl of rice was Tesco. It was the Tesco brand in that bowl.

Starting point is 00:31:43 The grey bowl, which you were a little bit more... I might have got them all wrong. Well, Tesco! It was the Tesco brand in that bowl. The Grey Bowl, which you were a little bit more... I might have got them all wrong. Well, Tesco, you said, was the Grey Bowl that... that was the Aldi. That was the Aldi. Okay. Which means number three, you were right whilst the Ben brand was. I'm glad I got that. That's definitely head and shoulders. It's a better quality rice in there. But there you go. And it's the hottest as well. It actually has an actual chilli heat to it, whereas the others just pretend. But the Aldi one for obviously a lot cheaper because I think that the Aldi one is a lot better than the Tesco one. Don't get the Tesco one everyone. Ben's I think was like one fifty to two pound. And I think

Starting point is 00:32:15 the Aldi one couldn't have been any more than a quid. Well, that is easily your option there because it's almost as good as the Ben's and the Tesco is a mess, bro. Yeah, the Tesco is a mess, bro. The Tesco is a mess, bro. Tesco, they're a pest, bro. Yeah, and the Oldie is okay-y. By me. Is okay by me. Oldie's okay by me.

Starting point is 00:32:35 And Mr. Ben is our best friend. He's not Mr. Diddle-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de- diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley did diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley did diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley did diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley did diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley did diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley did

Starting point is 00:32:51 diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley did diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley diddley did That's interesting. Definitely one for the books because, I mean, it's not one for the books. It's not really, no, it's not like a red letter day for us. Anyway. This is the cheap show last week! What can the Benz think? Benz did come out on top for sure, but Tesco beats, I mean Aldi beats Tesco. Yeah, so if you really... And it's better price.

Starting point is 00:33:18 Yeah, and so if you really, really have to have a Mexican flavoured instant microwave rice, Aldi I reckon is the option to go with. It is the option to go with if you want to save money. And that's the Off Brand Brand Off segments this week. Now, Paul. Yes. Before we go into the Gannon's Golden Games. The Gannon's Golden Games segment of the show where I bring along a golden board game from my

Starting point is 00:33:42 collection. You have a little apology. No. You have an apology. Addendum. Apologetic addendum from Paul. I've already said that the chap who sent that huge big fuck off box of PO stuff. Which included the rice from the last segment.

Starting point is 00:33:54 And a price of shite and some crisps and all sorts. We covered it earlier on the show. We did a price of shite from him. He also gave us the thumb game, you know, where we play with Barshans, where you have to tie your thumbs up and then do tasks. Are you Matthew Taylor? Was it you Matthew? Was it you?

Starting point is 00:34:09 If it's so, thank you Matthew. If it wasn't, please tweet us or email and we'll make a correction next week. If it was you and Paul would like to apologise. I'm not apologising. I just can't find the letter again. Why did you lose the letter? Because I've got to see how many boxes are in the hallway. Let's have a little bit of contrition from you.

Starting point is 00:34:26 A little bit. Alright, I'm sorry. Thank you. That you're a really contritious prick. Oh, alright. Yeah? Fine. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:34:33 That's the way you want to play it. I am playing it. Now, just for that, Paul, I'm going to do a little bit of a Ganon's Golden Games bit. Well, just do what you want, because I can always cut it out. I do edit this. Can I do a little one?

Starting point is 00:34:42 It's up to you, isn't it? It's up to you, isn't it? I just want to say, a Ganon's Golden Games, a Ganon's Golden Games, a Giga Gull, a Dario, a Gannond's Golden Games. I mean, that's fine, but I wanted something a little bit more pizzazz and sazoo. A Gannond's Golden Games! Right, that'll have to do. Right, it is Gannon's Golden Games and all you boi- Don't fucking bleed in.

Starting point is 00:35:08 No, I'm in the mood now. Don't bleed in. I'll make sure you bleed out. I'll bleed out out my arsehole. Mate. I'll bleed out my arsehole. Friend to friend, not co-host to co-host, but friend to friend. Well please, I need friends.

Starting point is 00:35:22 I need bleeding. Do you want- I need friends. Do you want- I need friends. Do you want? I'm bleeding. No I can't look in your eyes. I can't look in your eyes. I'm a bleeding asshole. Do you want to be punished for this behaviour?

Starting point is 00:35:34 Oh god I'm touching my brain. Because I'll just not give you the patches, the samples. I could easily not stop giving you the samples. We're not talking about that. I don't care. If you're going to play up like this you won't get the samples from Graston. I'm trying to make a funny podcast. Doesn't matter does it? You're pissing me off and I don't care. If you're going to play up like this, you won't get the samples from Graston. I'm trying to make a funny podcast, Paul. Doesn't matter, does it?

Starting point is 00:35:47 If you piss me off and I've got a box of samples. Do you have the samples here? Yeah. You've got them here in this room? Yeah, but I'm not in this room. What the fuck, man? You haven't earned them yet, have you? I'm not earning them.

Starting point is 00:35:55 They're for fucking me. They're my fucking samples. No, don't go fucking looking around my house. Where have you got them? Not telling you. Sit down. Do you think if I knew you were coming around to the Harrow house or haunted house on the hill? I'll just leave them out for you those belong to me. They don't belong to you. They belong to me I had to take a budget cut for the film festival show just so you could have a few

Starting point is 00:36:16 Well, you don't even do them. You did a bit and you said it made you feel weird Yes It did it made me feel weird and my cum came out all purple and smelly You ever had come that comes out smelly like Palmer Violet sweets? Oh yeah that's the other thing. It's actually quite nice. Paul, talking of smelly cum. I went through a bag of it.

Starting point is 00:36:31 How many have you got left? They're like three or four. Fucking... Stop making a noise. No you fucked me off with this. We're playing celebrity squares. You can't uphold the fucking samples over my head like a dagger. Paul, talking... no, now that we're talking of smelly cum, yeah?

Starting point is 00:36:47 I kind of wish I'd not brought this up now. I just want to get into the game. Talking of smelly cum, Paul. The cunt who has to edit this and I'm just thinking right now as I'm editing, oh we should have just skipped past this. I just want to make one small point, okay? No, I've kept this in. Obviously you're hearing it now, I've kept this bit in. I saw the potassium tablets that you've been feeding to the Randy Dog. Yes.

Starting point is 00:37:02 Could you put, but that gives his spunk more, more. Yes. We don't want that. It's fine because what I do is I put it in a… I put the pill in a big hubba bubba chewy and so it always like has a bit of a lapple thing going on or something or cola. With the smell on the cone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why my mouth smells of cola right now.

Starting point is 00:37:17 You've been… I've been helping the Randy Dog off. Ow. I've been helping the Randy Dog out. I've said don't do it in track box booth. All I'm saying is to… Just in here mate. If we could reduce the amount of spunk out. I've said, don't do it in Trackbox booth. All I'm saying is to- Just in here, mate. If we could reduce the amount of spunk

Starting point is 00:37:27 that the randy dog produces, let's not encourage it with potassium pills. No, he can't help it. And what about those pills you can get that make it- He's got a medical condition. He's uncontrollable. The best I can do is follow him around with a plastic bag and catch as much as it as I can and then sell it online.

Starting point is 00:37:40 You don't do that, do you? You dump it in Trackbox fucking cupboard. I used to but since that's fucked up as programming I'm sick of the smell of that fucking rancid dog spunk here. I've got seven bags of dog spunk in my shed and I want it out. You're the one going with this conversation. You're the one going with it. I could cut this however I wanted to. Right let's play the fucking game. I've got seven bags of palmer violet flavoured cum in my fucking shed. All I'm saying is the dog comes a lot and it stinks.

Starting point is 00:38:08 I have to fucking put that dog under. I have to give it like pills to knock it out. You have to put it under? Yeah, I have to make it go to sleep just so it doesn't cum. I have to drug that dog, because every time it's awake it's firing off of dog jelly. I'm sure I've seen that dog spunk in its sleep, man. We do. I'm just going to say it, way too much dog cum material on this show.

Starting point is 00:38:23 And it's your fault. It's a raggedy dog! Here we go. It's your character. I know so so treat him nicely, please. I treat him very fucking nicely Stop you keep doing it. Stop with this bit now. I am I fucking regret bringing it up Let's start let's start the segment, okay Let's start, let's actually start the segment. Okay. Gannets Golden Game, Gannets Golden Game, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Gannets Golden Game. It's like we're playing Gannets Golden Game.

Starting point is 00:38:50 And I've had this board game for a while and I can't believe we've never played it before. But it's a board game based on the TV show called Celebrity Squares. Now, before I go even into that, we have to talk about Hollywood Squares, which is the show it is based on. Which is the US show, obviously. It's the original US show, so… And who was the original host, please, Paul? Well, in America, it was first shown in 1965, and the format is, two contestants, you good old members of the public, have to play a game of tic-tac-toe.

Starting point is 00:39:21 To claim a square in the tic-tac-Toe frame, you have to answer a question. But you don't answer the question, you talk to the celebrity who fits in that frame and you agree or disagree with the answer they give to the question you've been given. And that's the basic thing. Is there a final round you get to where it's different? Presumably, we're just playing a simple version of it today. No points as well because I think in the American thing you get £50 a square but because we're just playing for Tic-Tac- tac toe, points mean nothing. But it's a way of getting a bunch of, well, nine celebrities onto telly. Yeah, usually a bit past their prime. Maybe they used to be big

Starting point is 00:39:52 on screen once and now not no more. Didn't you have like old golden age of Hollywood stars on in the 60s, like Mae West or whatever, you know, people like that? Yeah, just for the record, it was created by Meryl Hetta and Bob Quigley, presented over the years by Peter Marshall, John Bauman, John Davidson, Tom Bergeonon and Drew Barrymore. Oh, Drew Barrymore, of course. So still going. And they used to have, you know, the voiceover was like, on the show tonight, we've got Ethel Merman in the thing. They had different narrators, they called them.

Starting point is 00:40:20 Kenny Williams, Gene Wood. Who are these? I don't know. No, the one I do know is Jeffrey Tambor. And who are these? The bandleaders? No, the kind of guy who do the commentary over the thing. Ah, the voiceover guy. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:40:29 The announcer, they call them. Yes. So, Paul. Yes. It just occurred to me that didn't Britain try and sort of do this format with Blankety Blank? Well, but... Essentially because it has a panel of celebrities in a similar way. And you can ask the celebrities for their answers on Blankety Blank, can't you as well?

Starting point is 00:40:45 Yes, actually, yeah, it's very similar. So it's funny that this is actually the British version when they actually got it over. But that was an American show called Match Game. Ah, was it? And I don't know what... Super Match Game? I think Match Game was first and then the British copy Blankety Blank was second. Right.

Starting point is 00:41:03 We'll not talk about that. Super Match Game? That's why they had that bit where they go supermatch game, supermatch game. Supermatch game. But now that you mention it, structurally they are very similar. Yeah. So Celebrity Squares, a British comedy, comedy game show based on the American show Hollywood Squares. It first ran on ITV from July 20th, 1975. So a good 10 years after it originally on NBC. Still pretty early.

Starting point is 00:41:23 And originally hosted by Bob Monkhouse. Bob's the man Monkhouse. He was between 1975 and 79 and then briefly came back when it was brought back in the 90s between 93 and 97. Funnily enough the narrator of one of those series between 75 and 79 was Kenny Everett. Kenny Everett did it. Paul I've got something to say. Have you?

Starting point is 00:41:42 Couldn't be Bob Monkhouse now could you? Couldn't be Bob Monkhouse now be Bob Monk Couldn't be Bob Monkhouse now and be Bob Monkhouse, could you? Well, he's dead, so how would you? What do you mean? What does that mean? Nothing, that's why I'm mocking people. Is that why people say, oh, you can't make blazing saddles these days? I was trying to mock those people.

Starting point is 00:41:55 Yeah, I hate that. Of course you couldn't make it because culturally that film was a reaction to life at the time. It was a pastiche western, it was a spoof western. But it was a direct commentary on what America was like in that time, reaction and doing commentary about that. So of course you wouldn't remake it today because it would lose all meaning. And also the voice of it is completely unique to Mel Brooks. So yeah, of course you can't fucking remake that.

Starting point is 00:42:13 Fucking idiot cunt. Whoever says that, oh you can't make a film like that no more. No, really? You can't? You're a fucking idiot. I mean the most recent example being of course Jerry Seinfeld, who says, you can't do anything, you know. Comedy's lost its edge. It's edge.

Starting point is 00:42:27 Now here's my Pop Tarts movie. Yes, yes. So whatever. That's the Seinfeld conversation for this week. See you next week. No, now we're going to play Celebrity Squares. Anything else to say about it? Was it popular?

Starting point is 00:42:42 Not really. They, you know, there were some of the regular celebrities were people like Pat Coombs. Remember Pat Coombs? Female actress. Usually was like, oh, oh, oh. They were very much sort of TV celebrities. She used to have this thing where she was like, oh, blimey. Or she had a catchphrase when everyone tried to fiddle with her. And then Willie Rushton. Willie Rushton. I can't really do Willie Rushton. Do you remember Willie Rushton was so

Starting point is 00:43:05 thirsty on that Stuart Millard video about the game? The super quiz. Super quiz. And he's like, oh fucking oh. Oh be careful of the natives. Oh really, Willie? Sometimes just don't say anything. No but he was really perving on them all as well. Yeah. He was like, oh she'll get it right. Yeah great. I don't think he was like oh she'll get it. Almost mate, it was a don't think he was like, she'll get it. Almost mate, it was a bit... It was very inferred, wasn't it? It was all very inferred. It wasn't cool, man.

Starting point is 00:43:30 But Willie Rustin, what a character. I mean, he voiced the trapdoor. That's him, yes. He was a great voice actor. A large part of the appeal of that is what he gave to it in his narration. So, you know. Great voice, a great humorous sort of voice. So anyway, that's what we're playing today.

Starting point is 00:43:45 They brought out many versions of this is board games. And as far as I know, this is the original because this one is the 1970 celebrity squares. It's even got Bob Monkhouse's face right on the front Bob and the big box game. It's got a little sign thing to make it all official little signature. And who are the manufacturers? I always find this fascinating. It says Buckingham toys, but also if you look very closely, it says Ideal. So maybe Buckingham Toys was the board game division of Ideal.

Starting point is 00:44:09 And you know, Ideal you've heard of. Shall I have a little look at that? I'm interested in this because we've been doing mainly Denny Fisher ones recently. And what's the one? One Strawberry Veil or something. Yes. Denny's Fisher and... They both had the kind of hands in the licenses of board games.

Starting point is 00:44:22 Like that Strawberry Fair was... Strawberry Fair, that's the... They both had the kind of hands in the licenses of board games. Like that strawberry fair was, uh, strawberry fair. That's the strawberry fair was just off the top of my head. The one I can think of was the generation game board game. We did. Uh, Dennis Fisher was the dad's army and all that IP type sitcoms and game shows and stuff like that. We haven't, I don't remember having a Buckingham before.

Starting point is 00:44:40 No, I'm just trying. There's not much online about, and I have to say now it is a lovely looking thing. This it's got a lovely, uh, seventies, uh, there's not much online about actually. And I have to say now, it is a lovely looking thing, this. It's got a lovely 70s design vibe and like the cartoon character celebrities. See now, wouldn't they go for real celebrities? Well, there's probably a license reason for that, because you'd have to get the licenses of every single celebrity. So you'd have to pay fucking, I don't know, Kenny Everett money. Yeah, everyone.

Starting point is 00:45:00 Or, you know, Lesley- Bob's been played. Lesley Growther gets a couple of fucking quid, so does Bernard Cribbins, because I'm sure he was on it a fair few times in a bit. Cribbins must have been on it. But they've got a photo of Bob Monkhouse and his signature on the box, so they must have paid him. Yeah, of course.

Starting point is 00:45:14 He's the host. That was the selling point. He's the biggest host. Yeah. Bob's saying, I put my thumbs up to this. This is an official thing. Ideal Toy Company, just very quickly. Okay, weirdly, was an American toy company founded by Morris Mitcham post World War II. They did things like Shirley Temple Dolls, Tammy

Starting point is 00:45:30 Thumbelina and also was known for selling the Rubik's Cube in America. But after that, it all gets a little bit kind of, I don't know, it just breaks it. It doesn't really go into details about the UK arm of it. Okay, but it must have been maybe the UK arm or maybe the board game arm of Ideal Buckingham. It's got a British sort of sounding name to it. Maybe it's just the UK one. Yeah, there's literally nothing about Buckingham Toys Online other than eBay sales. On the side of the box here it says plays just like the ATV All-Star Show. Yes, and actually what you get in the box is a bunch of plastic Norton Crosses to hang off a cardboard

Starting point is 00:46:03 grid which is on a kind of stand thing. So there's no board? Well, there's that board. Yeah, but it's an upright board. Yeah, it's an upright board, like, you know, Connect Four. Yeah. And you can hang the Norton Crosses in the little holes on it. And we've got pretend cartoon celebrities in there.

Starting point is 00:46:15 Harry Holsum is number one. Stella Starlett is number two. Slick Nick is number three. And then you have Susie Slurp. Ooh. And number five, Tim Type. Tim Type. That's not a very good name. Alice Actress also fucking come on guys. Number six. That's the laziest one. Hayseed at seven. One, they're so famous Hayseed that they've only got one

Starting point is 00:46:34 a one word name. Are they meant to be rural or something? No, Hayseed is an American term. All they've done is take the American board game and then slap Bob Monkhouse's face on the front. Hayseed is like a yokel. Sort of like that. Yeah. So that's Hayseed, one word name at seven. Then we have Starburst at eight. Number eight. Which is the name of a candy that used to be called Opal Fruits.

Starting point is 00:46:54 Indeed. And then at number nine we have Frankie Fun. Oh, who would you go on a date with there? Not a date, just a hang out with. Hang out. Frankie Fun sounds great, doesn't he? Sounds a bit alright, doesn't he? You're so obvious. Or I go for Hayseed. Suzy Slurp. Suzy Slurp, alright. Yeah. a date just to hang out with. To hang out. Frankie Fun sounds great doesn't he? Sounds a bit alright doesn't he?

Starting point is 00:47:05 You're so obvious. Or I go for Haseed. Suzy Slurp. Suzy Slurp alright. Yeah. I go with Haseed. He's enigmatic. Yeah we're going to play the game. He could probably tell a story or two.

Starting point is 00:47:15 He could. Shut up. I want to get through this. So what happens is there are loads of cards here right? You got the cards there. Oh there's a little yellow studs. Yeah you slide the card into this little plastic. What do you want to call this? Slot. Slot, which hides the card apart from, you know, you pull it across. And you've got a little thing that reveals the answers.

Starting point is 00:47:33 Yeah. So, yeah. So you start with there, like you select four. So you'd pick Suzy Slurp number four. You go to that question there. Then you ask the question. We're not going to use this card, but Jonathan Gruff had the world's highest transfer fee. I don't know what that's relationship to. Fuck me.

Starting point is 00:47:46 And then... Are these going to be 1975 questions? Jesus Christ. And then the celebrity gives their answer. In this case, they say, no, he didn't have the world's highest transfer fee. And then you have to guess if you agree or disagree, right? If you agree and it's the right answer, you get that thing right, you get your little cross or square.

Starting point is 00:48:04 If you say agree and it comes up D with disagree, you do not get it and the opponent gets that square. I understand. Contrary wise, if you said disagree and it's agree, you don't get it. I understand the basic logic of this. And if you say disagree and it disagrees, then you get the square. You've made that confusion. Have I made that abundantly clear? I understand it.

Starting point is 00:48:19 Is the rule, so you reveal it one more time, so if you're going to be the celebrity, then you have the little plaque, right, so you can read it out. Yes, but I have one question. How are we going to compete? Are we going to tally our scores up? Well, no, because we'll just do it with whoever gets a tic-tac-toe. It's a game of f***ing tic-tac-toe. So the first person to get a line of three. You can always draw tic-tac-toe. Yeah, so we might draw. Oh, that'd be fun. So let's roll the theme tune and play Celebrity Squares! One of these celebrities is sitting in the Secret Square and the contestant who picks it first could be splashing out. Which celebrity is it? Is it Ted Malt? Katie Boyle?

Starting point is 00:49:07 Frank Carson? Jean Rook? Arthur Mallard? Merris Hughes? Roy Hud? Les Dawson? Or Willie Rushton? All joining Bob in the Big Box Game, Celebrity Squares! And here he is, the starmaster of celebs, the Big Square himself, Bob Mumhoes!

Starting point is 00:49:30 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And a happy Easter to you two. And it's a happy time, Easter. I think my wife turned nasty just because I brought the kids home a bunny from the Playboy Club. Hello, celebrities! Hello! Hello, Bob says... I'm Bob Monkhouse.

Starting point is 00:49:49 Bob says... My set wife. I don't know. Hello, I'm Bob... Stop me, Eli! I don't know what to say, mate. Bob says... Bob, calm down.... Bob calm down! Bob calm down!

Starting point is 00:50:08 Bob... Bob... Bob have you been crying? He's gone under the chair. Why has he been crying? You know when you cry when you're a boy? When you're a little boy? And you cry? Did you ever do that Paul?

Starting point is 00:50:24 He's gone to sleep now. Did you ever you ever do that poor yeah go she's gone to sleep now to do that yeah get attention so to get a tent I did I get attention mate well it is celebrity squares has gone in under the chair for asleep fuck off we toss who goes, I knew I shouldn't have said it like that. We certainly did. Everyone was involved. And Ike got heads. So, I'll be going first. When whoever asks is being asked a question, whoever plays the celebrity, they're in charge of the plastic wallet with the answers in. Shut up!

Starting point is 00:51:01 Do you want to be circles or crosses? I told you circles. Right, your circles and yellow crosses. Okay. Right. Here we go. So, which, I'm going to pick a card at random. There's a load of them. I'm going to pick them at random.

Starting point is 00:51:11 Yes. Right. I'll even, I'll riffle them and you say stop. You're going first, which means you're the contestant first. Yes. Which means I be the celebrity first. Yeah. So, I'm gone.

Starting point is 00:51:20 Stop. Okay. He's randomized it, everyone. He's not looking and he's slotted it in. Right. so. He's handing me the little thing. So the little yellow grid reveals the answers as we go, helps us at our end figure out what's going on. I'm starting at one here.

Starting point is 00:51:33 No, I pick a number and then you find that number so you don't see all the questions basically. Because it hides everything until you reveal it. Nice little mechanism. Like a little draw, slide out thing. Slide out revealer. Pictures on our website, the the cheap show.co.uk This is a particularly nice game. Don't you think the way the design of it simple nice and toyetic? Yeah, and nice colors right so I'm gonna start with number five going with the center square

Starting point is 00:51:57 I'm gonna start with Tim type so Eli your Tim type hello Tim type. Oh, I'm a man of letters actually I'm Tim type Oh, yes, he's there. Yes. Go on. Do you know yes oh I'm a man of letters actually I'm Tim type oh yes yes go on do you know yes I saw a poster in the in the local shop the other day did you Tim I did and it said man wanted with a for a very hard job and I said well I've got him okay all right Tim oh he's just jumped over there you want to just bang about some more Do you want to just stomp around like? crying idiot I'm Tim type. Anyway, hello, Tim We were having a

Starting point is 00:52:41 drinks backstage It's very your agent here today. It's fucking drunk cutessional. It's very unprofessional. No, my agent's here today. Get this fucking drunk cut off. He's fucking been drinking all the wine backstage. We shouldn't have had him on. We should have swapped him out for Cheggers. Cheggers is right here outside scratching at the door. No, no, no.

Starting point is 00:52:55 We've had Cheggers. Oh, you're home, Tim Type, everybody. Are you ready? What's the question, Tim? Are you ready for your question? Yes. Okay. What is the official?

Starting point is 00:53:03 What is the official? Soviet news agency. Oh, God, this is 1970 fucking fight. What is the official? So is the night? What is the official 1970s Russian news network called? Soviet news agency. Soviet. So I have to have a rich understanding of history now

Starting point is 00:53:21 because this game is what 8595 05 15 almost 50 years old do want your answer what is what do you think the answer is tim type now remember i don't have to know the answer i have to agree or disagree i actually used i actually went to russia to work as an intern on a newspaper yes and you know when i was there yes i walked out into the street and the window of a shop in Moscow Yeah There was a poster And it said in Russian Pfft Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Mate, come on, what does the card say is your answer? Jesus, Tim! I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I thought you could have said, oh yes, I'm a lexic-

Starting point is 00:54:10 Lexi-ographist or whatever, and I like words. And I went to a lexicon bar the other day, and I met, would you believe it, I met New Times Roman, and he wanted a kiss, but he's not my type! Mmm! Thank you! So that's what you could have fucking done, instead of just going, oh, spoff, come whatever it was. I didn't say anything. Just wait. Okay. So the question

Starting point is 00:54:28 is what was the name of the Russian news, Soviet news network, 1975? And Tim's answer is I know this fact it's TASS, T-A-S-S. Right. I'm going to disagree, D for disagree, that that's the right answer. You're disagreeing, are you? Yes. Okay, so if I... Well, I've got a little A here. So that means I am wrong and you get the circle. I get the circle. It was Tass, my cart, even the plastic.

Starting point is 00:54:52 Oh, it was... You're the contestant, you're the contestant now. Oh, I'm so nervous. I do need the money though, because I've got a shop I just opened. Oh, hello contestant number two, what's your name? Oh, John. Hello John, well you've got Stella, we've got Slick, we've got Tim, Actress, oh no it's meant to go in the middle.

Starting point is 00:55:07 It's got mego in the middle, you put it in the wrong one. I put it in the wrong one, sorry. You put it on Harry Holsum, very different character. But anyway, Eli, what do you, John, what do you, who do you wanna pick from the board? Slick Nick please. Slick Nick, he is number three. Slick Nick, over to you. Yeah,. Yeah what yeah I'm Slick Nick.

Starting point is 00:55:25 Oh oh oh oh oh a little bit of this a little bit of that. Cushdie Cushdie what will I bargain. Slick Nick yeah you see my new gangster film coming out next week called Heathrow Art Men. It's about these guys right gangsters proper rough types right. Bit of this bit of that wallop wallop gang gang don't cross me I'll cross you don't you cross me I'll cross you. Be sposh be sposh coming out on VHS next week don don't you worry about it, cushty smart thing. Sounds good.

Starting point is 00:55:47 So right, here's the question then for you. Oh, what? Here's your question. What is the white fur of the weasel called, hey? Oh, I tell you what, I met this fucking guy when we were down the bar. He was fucking called the weasel. Not because he was slick and smooth

Starting point is 00:56:01 and got in and out of places. He was up your fucking trouser leg. The weasel! I don't like him! I don't like him! Slick. How'd you get your name? Er, well...

Starting point is 00:56:09 Slick Nick. I like to bathe in oil, don't I? Oh, so you're very actual. So when the cupper, when the roses gary on the ground, I can squiggle ya! Good. Squiggly ya! Very good. Squiggly ya!

Starting point is 00:56:19 Squiggly ya! Pffft! Ha ha ha! Anyway, here's what I think. I think the answer's ermine, mate. I think the answer's ermine. Do you agree or disagree with my answer? I do agree with that, yes. what I think. I think the answer's Ermin, mate. I think the answer's Ermin. Do you agree or disagree with my answer? I do agree with that, yes.

Starting point is 00:56:28 You are correct. You agree. You get my square. Ding ding ding. Could this be a quick victory for Mr Silverman as I now hand the card back to Eli? Stick it in. Push my ring in tighter. Get it in. It's nice and secure now. Right, there you go. Right, so I have to really go for number seven, Hayseed. You have to stop me from winning. Do you have to go there? Yeah, I do. Otherwise, yeah, of course I do.

Starting point is 00:56:50 Go for four because... No, because then if you go for seven and you get it right, then you've won the game. And I could block you now and make you work harder elsewhere on the board. So I'm going to go with seven to block you. I suppose so. Right, so seven. Hayseed, please. Hello, Hayseed. Arrr. Oh, God. Arrr. Hello. Hello, Hayseed. How hello Hayseed! Arrrr. Oh god. Arrrr. Hello. Hello Hayseed, how are things on the farm?

Starting point is 00:57:08 Arrrr, I don't have a farm no more, I sold it. Celebrity farm, remember Hayseed Celebrity Cow Farm? Oh yeah, it was nicer cattle and that. Yeah, you had to sell that did you? These days I'm into cheeses. Into cheeses? I do cheeses. Hayseed cheeses.

Starting point is 00:57:23 They ain't got hay in them. And you've got a song haven't you by ACDC. It's ACDC's Hey C cheeses isn't it. Like you're doing. There it goes. It's called Those Who Are About To Eat Feta. We salute you. We salute you. Anyway good work. Well I look forward to that Hey C. What's my question? Number seven. Your question to date. Wait. Who wrote? Who wrote? The Marriage of Figaro.

Starting point is 00:57:48 Oh. Who wrote The Marriage of Figaro? Oh well I'm not that big on the operas but what's your answer? Oh I like a bit of opera. Do you? Out in the countryside we do appreciate opera. Do you? Aye.

Starting point is 00:58:03 Oh I thought I was gonna go somewhere. Oh I was just saying. Right then fine you're allowed to enjoy opera. Well what's your answer to who wrote the Marriage of Figaro? Oh it was Chopin. I disagree with that statement. I disagree wholeheartedly. You do get the cross.

Starting point is 00:58:17 You are. I get the cross. Ding ding ding. If there's a D there it's matching your disagree right? Yeah. Yeah well done. Okay you've blocked me there Paul. Ha ha ha. Well done. Now there's only one place, it's matching your disagree, right? Yeah. Well done. OK, you've blocked me there, Paul. Ha ha ha.

Starting point is 00:58:26 Well done. Now there's only one place strategically I can go now. And where's that? Square two. Stella. Stella Starlett. Starlett. Oh, hello.

Starting point is 00:58:36 I'm Stella Starlett, and I'm a singer, and I'm a poet as well. Oh, good. Oh, yeah. And I've just come from the West End where I'm in the new musical based on DIY SOS. And it's a musical where I play the gardener that comes in. And there's a whole love scene between me and the guy who's got the dodgy garden and we fall in love.

Starting point is 00:58:59 But when we dig up the grass, we find treasure and we fall out over it. It's a cross between DIY SOS and the treasure of the Sierra Madre basically with a few songs in and what's this show called SOS Madre something like that it's not very good can I have my question please going along with that guy at all alright here's the question for you mate thank you Stella what is and I know a lot about music cos I'm a singer, I'm gonna do the new Bond theme as well, did you know about that? And what's that gonna be called? It's gonna be called here. Don't die unless you die for me,

Starting point is 00:59:33 don't die for me yet, tomorrow don't die, golden hands to the morrow, sing a song, I'm in love with a spy. Oh that's good, thanks Stella. Oh sounds great. sing a song I'm in love with a spy oh I could thank you latest hit you go sounds great yeah which is the national music instrument of Scotland now I tell you what I think it is I tell you what I think I mean I've seen you few new Scottsman in me time don't wear a kilt left a load of shitty marks on me dress but I know they like to blow a nice bag of pipe I agree that the nationaleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee're gonna I'm gonna give you the point I'm gonna give you the point. That's only for Ganondorf blunder because he was so we went over by Stella

Starting point is 01:00:29 So weird you see the word haggis Do you equate haggis and bagpipes in your head you do I just looked at it again. I still said bagpipes. What's wrong with my head? Maybe it's the G and the P in bagpipes and then the haggis is GG Yeah, and my brain just didn't factor it in Oh look he's again one from one from one right so now We've got two places. I could have well you've got two places. I can win so we're gonna block I'm gonna try number one Harry wholesome, okay, then I can play eight after that so I'm gonna go with Harry holes Hello, Harry. How are you? I can't wait to hear the question Harry. How are things? that. So I'm gonna go with Harry Holts. Hello Harry, how are you?

Starting point is 01:01:05 I can't wait to hear the question Harry. How are things? Hello there. I'm very wholesome I've washed my hands and how is your religious programming on BBC one going? Yes, it's called praise him. I'm in him is HYMN. Isn't it? It's clever. Isn't it? Praise him. That's right It's like songs and deference to the Lord quite funny. But it's also very serious and very wholesome. Yes. And it's called Praise Him, the Lord our God. And do you have a favourite hymn? With me, Harry Holton.

Starting point is 01:01:33 And do you have a favourite hymn that you like to sing on the show? Oh, I absolutely do. Yeah? I mean, my favourite is When God's Flock Lands on a Holy Site. Oh, yes, that's my favourite too. Yeah, it's good that one, isn't it? When God's flock lands on a holy site. Oh yes that's my favourite too. Yeah it's good that one isn't it? When God's lock lands on a holy site, ooo the lamb say lamby lamb, holy site lamb. That's just how I remember it. I'm Harry Hulson. So Harry what's the question? Oh do you want your question now? Yes question one. Just to let you know I'm very clean I

Starting point is 01:01:59 am I've got a fresh breath mint in. No you smell smell very, very clean. Yes. Yes. Like a like a nice palm of violet. You kind of smell weird. They wouldn't have. No, no, no. Have you been having some of the samples, Harry? No, no, no. Come on, don't be weird.

Starting point is 01:02:14 Anyway, I'm Harry Houlson. What number am I? One. OK, it's to block the top row. You ready for your question? Yes. What sport? What sport?

Starting point is 01:02:23 Was Babe Ruth well known in oh I know I think I know this one but what's your question answer my answer would be baseball I agree with you on that babe Ruth was indeed a baseball man and there's an a there so there we go I can now block that you've blocked me again oh you've not Harry wholesome you've you put an X on Harry wholesome is that for X rated because I'm wholesome and I can't have anything to do with that No, it's the Jesus is Christ's cross isn't it? I put the cross upon thine face So what question are you gonna go for you're gonna have to go for four aren't you to block me? Oh, yeah. Oh No

Starting point is 01:02:58 No, yeah, I can go for eight. Can I you could go with a but if you're gonna go for the win You're gonna go for eight starburst then? Yeah, why not? Go for the win. No, fine. I don't wanna just block you. I wanna go for the win now. Okay, I'm gonna, that's fine. All right, let's do that. Starburst, number eight.

Starting point is 01:03:11 Fuck's sake. Oh my God, hi. Oh, I'm just off tour. I've just come back from my residency in Las Vegas with my show, Starburst Tonight. Oh yeah. Oh my God. Yeah, we have singers, we have dancers. Oh, oh, we have some of the best songs.

Starting point is 01:03:25 I work with Billy, I work with Barry, I work with Johnny, I work with Petey, I work with Billy, I work with them all. You said Billy twice? Two different Billys. Which two? Billy Ocean and Billy Idol. And what about Joel? Joel?

Starting point is 01:03:38 Billy Joel? No, not him! Not him! Anyway, we've just got time out from my wonderful tour. I'm seeing all my fans. Oh my god, I love them. Oh my god, I love them. I'm so pleased to be here.

Starting point is 01:03:50 So I just can't wait to get to it. Can I? Weird. Can I have the question please, Starburst? Of course. Here's the question for you, beautiful. Thank you. I'll give you free tickets to my show in Las Vegas if you want.

Starting point is 01:04:04 That's so kind of you. Thank you. Here'll give you free tickets to my show in Las Vegas if you want. That's so kind of you. Thank you. Here's the question. When did Henry Fielding write Tom Jones? Not the singer. Oh, I love Tommy. I love Tommy so much. It's not unusual. It's not that guy. No, it's Tom Jones the book written by Henry Fielding. When did he write that? Now, I think, I'm not sure. Are you big up on literature? I'm going to say 1794. Do you agree or you disagree honey sweet child do you agree with me again it's called Tom Jones baby it's one of the best books by Henry Fielding I think

Starting point is 01:04:35 he wrote it in night in 1749 I disagree I'm sorry I'm sorry sweetie the answer is 1749 it was the right year he was he. I'm sorry babykins. I'm sorry. Oh it's all over. I'll get another cross. Another cross for Ganywoo. He can try and win in two places here. Right. So I'm gonna... I've got four or nine. Who would you like to go for? I'm gonna go with nine. I want to speak to Frankie Fun. Hey! Hello!

Starting point is 01:05:01 Hello, Frankie. Oh! You know what? Wait, what's wrong, Frankie? I'm falling! Hey, you know what? Hey, what's wrong, Frankie? Oh, fucking... Hey, you know what? Just pause, just a moment. When we introduced Frankie Fun earlier in the show, everyone knew this was going to go to this character, so just with that in mind, continue.

Starting point is 01:05:15 Hey, hello, everybody, I'm Frankie Fun. Oh, he's just back from summer season, aren't you, in Blackpool? Oh, I was at the end of the pier, and I fucking walked off, fell in the sea! Oh! That was a lot of fun! And I was like, fucking of the pier and I fucking walked off, fell in the sea. Oh, that was a lot of fun. And I was like, fucking save me everybody. Fucking send, throw us that rubber ring. You know what?

Starting point is 01:05:32 What? It's a rubber duck. I'm so fun. All right, Frankie. I thought you'd be more fun to be honest, much more fun and funny. But you know, you can't have everything. No, I like to have a lot of fun actually.

Starting point is 01:05:43 Anyway, how's the court case going with your drink driving? Ah, such a lot of fun. I turn to the judge, right? Yeah. And I say, you fucking, you don't fucking do this to me. You're a fucking, I've got a fucking wife and kids. I've got a fucking career to think. Divorced by your wife.

Starting point is 01:06:00 No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And I've got a fucking, it's not fun for me. I'm sorry for what I did. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, nine? I also lift them off. No, no golf club You've rammed it up his ass. It's not what you say Frankie fun stuck a golf club of a high court judge I'm a lot of fun anyway, what a question. Yes, I would like a question number nine number nine Please for potentially the win. Hey

Starting point is 01:06:41 fun Read the question number nine when did it into the microphone as well? Read the question number nine. When did it... Into the microphone as well. Sorry, wrong question. Number nine. What was the metallic... what? Okay. Your drinking problem still affecting your reading. It's a very small type actually. What metallic element is also called

Starting point is 01:06:58 Quicksilver? Oh! He knows this. What do you think the answer is? I think the answer is Mercury. I agree. I also think Mercury is called Quicksilver. What's it? Agree or disagree? I agree. And we'll see you next week on Ganon's Golden Games, or maybe next month when we bring the segment back for another guaranteed Ganon win. Because Eli stink your poo-poo's up the game! I've been doing well. With his shitification of this segment.

Starting point is 01:07:34 I've came, I... We didn't hear from Susie Slurple, Alice Actress. Do you want to do a voice? No, I don't actually. Hey, I like to do comedy like this daughter. Hello, I'm Alice Atrus, actually. Yeah, we're both in play together. Are we?

Starting point is 01:07:49 We're in a run for your mum. That's right, yes. Run for your mum-mum. And I, yes, stop rubbing yourself. Well, she plays my sister, who's all clever-clever. I play your sister. And I'm, ooh, I'm the saucy-saucy sister. Get into trouble, it's a lot of trouble. It's a lot of fun.

Starting point is 01:08:05 It's a lot of fun. Can I go now? Yes, we can both go now. We've had to off page. I would have do fucking nothing as well. I know. Do you want me to show me party? No, no, no.

Starting point is 01:08:16 Sorry. I'm sorry about that. Right. Well, Paul. Yes. That was what? Problematic? Problematic. Heavily edited? Yes. So that's it for Cheap Show this week. Thank you for joining us.

Starting point is 01:08:31 Pictures to accompany this episode, to see the things we tasted and played with, is on our website, thecheapshow.co.uk, and also that's your one stop shop for everything, whether it's our links to social media, YouTube, and Patreon. And you can just go straight there, patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show. Give what you can, but only if you're a Cheap Show fan. and also that's your one stop shop for everything, whether it's our links to social media, YouTube and Patreon. And you can just go straight there, patreon.com forward slash cheap show, give what you can, but only if you can. And if you decide to help this podcast out, you've given access to podcasts and magazines and videos and all sorts of behind the scenes fun.

Starting point is 01:08:58 Thanks, Patreon. And thank you. Thank you so much for continuing to support this daft podcast. The film festival's coming along. I've got a few more film entries in. I told you. The judges are all locked in. I need a guarantee.

Starting point is 01:09:09 I need half a packet. So I'm going to be sending the films to the judges next week so they can review them. Best director, best actor, best writer, best cinematography, best editing. They're all the awards I'll be doing on the night. June 8, 8 PM, YouTube. Join us for a night of the very best and independent film.

Starting point is 01:09:26 I will not be taking part unless you give me at least half a packet of that sample. I'll let you take a packet home with you tonight if you just shut the fuck up about it. Okay, well fucking that's all you had to say. But you've got to make that last of Fortnite. That's all you had to fucking say. You've got to make it last of Fortnite. Oh thank god. Because they're going to send the other packet to the live show.

Starting point is 01:09:39 So there'll be a packet there during the live show. You said there were four packets. I'm having one. What? Because why should you have them all? You said it made your sponge smell nasty. I decided I like that. Randy Dog likes it.

Starting point is 01:09:49 You're not giving that to... That's not... I have been giving it to the Randy Dog. Oh fucking hell, man. It makes track box booth smell nicer. Put it that way. Smells like webby death in that corner because of the fucking track box booth. I was told there would be samples.

Starting point is 01:10:04 Not one sample to get me through the whole fucking thing. I can't do it. I actually abused the last lot. I'm not abusing it. And you made that video we had to take down from social media. You're lucky that didn't get out, we managed to get that before it leaked. I saw it. Dirty fucking thing. Just give me the fucking packet. You'll get it when you go, and not until. So you'll get it when you leave here today, because I'm not having you take it while you're here. I don't want to see that. It's fucking disgusting. Don't look at me like that! Like you want me to see what you do to your arsehole.

Starting point is 01:10:28 What? Yeah, mate, I've seen what's in your bag. A magic wand and a feather. I don't understand what that's had to do with anything. Thanks for supporting the show, guys. A magic wand and a feather. Just a little bit of a joke. And a rolled up copy of What Weekly. What Weekly?

Starting point is 01:10:41 Yeah. Oh! No, we're not doing that. So that's it for this week's show. Crisp everyone. Join us on the 8th of June evening, YouTube 8pm UK time. We're going to do a live show, lots of special guests, lots of great videos from comedians who have been on the podcast before. It's going to be a fun night and Graxton Industries are backing us all the way.

Starting point is 01:10:58 And if you like crisps, on an upcoming episode I've got here Lay's, which is Walker's obviously, West Indies Hot and Sweet Chilli. This is a ruffled crisp crisp we'll be tasting those. Why don't we do that in the patreon part we're gonna record in a bit. Okay well that's another reason to support us on Patreon. Another reason if you want to yes. This is a very interesting packet of crisps. You can hear our hot tips on crisps only if you're a patreon fuck me. And we'll do this as well Paul. What a fucking podcast. This Nimbo masala soda by Drink Valley. Oh there you go that's what you can be missing out on. Christ! Just press the fucking shit. No, is that it? Is that the admin?

Starting point is 01:11:28 Can I do my show, please? What show? Soho Radio every two weeks, two to four. On Soho Radio, I have a music radio show, everyone. It's on Soho Radio, an internet radio station, and it is every two weeks, two to four. And when can they play catch-up in case they miss the live broadcast? At www.blogspot.com forward slash house of pickle sound show facebook. You don't fucking know dude just look at the house of pickle sound, Soho radio. Everyone you need to work on your fucking marketing mate because Jesus Christ.

Starting point is 01:11:58 We've got a nice illustration done by Tony. We do indeed. Not you it's my show. And Tony did the art for the trashash Cam Film Festival. So you'll be seeing that coming up soon as well. Can't wait for it, it's going to be a big night for us, big night for Graxton Industries. The House of Pickle Sound Show everyone. That's all we've got time for this week on the show. We've been Paul and Eli, you've been great. We'll see you next week for more cheap fun.

Starting point is 01:12:21 Goodbye. On the Cheap Show Podcast. Thanks everyone, bye. Comedy Indie Podcast 2023. Oh yeah, we out of the World Cup. Yeah, we got well beat, fuck em.

CheapShow - Ep 386: Celebrities Squared

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