CheapShow - Ep 388: The 2024 Trash Cannes Film Festival (Interrupted)

Starting point is 00:00:00 the How you feeling Eli? You're right. Pretty bad. Yeah, he's uh he's all poorly this week, mister Silverman because he's still suffering uh the bruises and the beatings from Saturday night which I think you had

Starting point is 00:00:19 coming but we'll talk about that later. We'll talk about that later for now. Me and Eli say hello. Hello, everybody. Want to introduce you, the listener, to the Trash Cam Film Festival 2004, previously sponsored by Graxton Industries. They're not working with us no more. Aren't they?

Starting point is 00:00:36 No, not following what happened in this episode. But, Paul. No more samples. What am I gonna do? No more financial backing for our projects. What am I gonna do? No more financial backing for our projects. What am I gonna do? You're gonna have to go cold turkey. Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble.

Starting point is 00:00:49 You're gonna have to gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble. Cold turkey, Eli, and get over it. You went too far. You went to the Juddaman land. You went to- And came back bad. Not the Juddaman land. Yeah, you came to Juddaman land and came back bad.

Starting point is 00:01:01 I did not, the Juddaman land is from Mets. Yeah. They drink an alco-op. Yeah, but he also moved on to. He didn't do nothing else. Being part of the. He did do nothing else. He's moved on. The Jodaman. He's got a huge job in cold turkey. It's just your nomenclature. Oh, here we go. It's your fucking nomenclature problem. I haven't got a nomenclature problem. Yes, you do. You have a big old nomenclature. No, I have a gnome-licature problem, which is you. Too many gnomes? Too many gnomes.

Starting point is 00:01:25 Get gnomes up the pant leg. I've got one gnome here, one gnome there, one gnome round the back. You get home and they're all gnome scurrying about. Yeah, I literally take my coat off, gnomes come out. Gnomes after gnomes come out. You know what I found? What?

Starting point is 00:01:37 When I jack off. Gnomes come out. I'm presuming that's what the thrust, thrust, fist movement you just did. Yes, it was, Paul. Well done. Near your groin, men. Well done for understanding that.

Starting point is 00:01:44 It's just with it being an audio medium. I know like that. Splup splup splup. Splup splup and what comes out? Gnomes. Little gnomes. Little tiny gnomes. Yeah. And then they all swish swish. You sure they're not goblins? Because goblins are globlins. Globlins. Globlins. Got globlins. Globlins yeah. I got globlins coming out. That's what Cheap Show needs innit. Like you know we used to have scribbles but that didn't really pay off. But there's minions, and mini stay puffs and stuff. The scribbles are... Every podcast, we need our own wacky characters. The scribbles.

Starting point is 00:02:12 No, they're dead now. They're gone because of all the death and the rapture and all that stuff. We heavily made very apparent in episode 350. No, we can bring out new ones called the globlins. Do you know what? Little spunk creatures. I saw someone mention wild travelled Rob. Yeah. So I mean he's coming back for sure. Let's hope so but for now

Starting point is 00:02:30 let's focus on making Globlins a thing. Okay mate, fine. They're wacky little mini characters that run around and cause mischief. Little Globlins? Yeah. Who produces the Globlins? The Randy Dog maybe? Maybe. I mean this is all we can wick it all run around and cause mischief. Little globlins. Yeah. Who produces the globlins? The Randy Dog maybe? Maybe. I mean, we can work it all into the formula. We're not meant to be doing that.

Starting point is 00:02:50 We're meant to just be introducing the... I know, but I'm really into globlins right now. Wasn't there a toy? What were those toys called? Boglins. Boglins. Yeah, no, not boglins. These are globlins.

Starting point is 00:03:01 Goblophilus. These are tiny little spunk goblins that run around and cause mischief. And they're wacky and silly. They are. And. And they get everywhere. Seamen demons. No. Seamen demon. That's the tagline. That's just like, yeah, globlins. Here they come. The semen demons, you know, that kind of thing. Yeah. And it's, it's, it's set in a, in a, in a, in an apartment building and a man jacks off and all these globlins come out and there's like rules like don't... Feed them after midnight.

Starting point is 00:03:28 Yeah, don't feed them after midnight. Don't give them pineapple or anything or melon. I don't know. And there's rule number two which is they're allergic to tissue paper because they're very absorbent. If that's bangers and mash where there's poo and paper in the bulk. Yeah. I call it papier-mache. They're very absorbent. If that's bangers and mash where there's poo and paper in the bulk. Yeah You get a big load of comrags, I got there's me papi a mash

Starting point is 00:04:03 This is not is this Three versions of this this is the only one I'm happy with because of globlins. What, you're happy? I've got nothing to do with this episode. Stop saying globlins! Globlins! Please stop. Oh my boglins, it's the globlins!

Starting point is 00:04:13 Jesus Christ. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no, Paul, no. Oh no, Paul. Anyway, this is the cheap show, trash no Paul, no. Right. Oh no Paul.

Starting point is 00:04:28 Anyway, this is the cheap show trash cam film festival previously sponsored by Grafton Filming Industries. Now we're gonna interrupt at certain points in this podcast and give our own reflections on the moment. Mostly at the short film sections. We'll chip in then so you can hear what happens in the video because some of them are quite visual. But also we'll chip in in the middle and we'll come back at the end

Starting point is 00:04:51 to do a wrap up and tell you what happened after. All that stuff happened on Saturday night. And if you want, you can still watch it. But this is our audio interpretation with interruptions. Isn't that right? That's right, everybody. Yeah, we could just start the episode. Let's start it. Let's just start it, shall we? Oh? That's right, everybody. Yeah. We could just start the episode now. Let's start it, yeah. Let's just start it, shall we?

Starting point is 00:05:07 Oh, I'm sorry, everybody. Yeah, Eli's very poorly. He's coming down off drugtown. I don't know why I'm not more angry. Well, I think it might be a side effect of the samples. Well, emotionally, it does kind of make you dull all over. Doesn't it? It numbs you. It numbs you, yeah.

Starting point is 00:05:21 You feel neither highs nor lows. You get, it's like Prozac like that. Yeah, it's a bit like that. Paul, if I, you know, nothing to do with you, Yeah. You feel near the highs nor lows. You get it's like Prozac like that. Yeah, it's a bit like that. Paul, if I, you know, nothing to do with you, approached Graxton, do you think that they'd give me... I think this is the perfect opportunity. This is God's way of saying to get off the samples. This is what I'm thinking. This is a sign. You went too far. I didn't go too far. You were all bound for Moo Moo Land and then you came back bad. Is it another reference from the 90s? Yes, it is. Paul's references from the 90s. All bound for Moo Moo Land and then you came back bad. Is it another reference from the 90s? Yes it is. Paul's references from the 90s.

Starting point is 00:05:47 All bound for Moo Moo Land. That's where Eli went on Saturday night and came back bad. I did not. You did. You were in a bad state, mate, and it was embarrassing. And you ruined the show. Full stop. No I didn't.

Starting point is 00:05:58 Yes you did ruin the show. You ruined it for everyone. Me, Tom, especially Ethan. You ruined his successors. You took that away from him. Why don't we just play the fuck? All right. Let's do it without any further ado. Here is the Trashcan Film Festival 2004, previously sponsored by Graxton Industries.

Starting point is 00:06:16 We'll see in a little while. The I'm sorry. The End Hello. Hello, welcome. Thanks for joining us tonight on this revolutionary new thing called the internet where we're going to be performing a live streamed show to you tonight to celebrate the best in film. I am your host Paul Gannon and welcome, welcome to the 2024 Trashcan Film Festival as sponsored by Graxton Industries. Sponsoring us tonight, Graxton Industries, creating some of the best chemicals money can buy for your household or medical needs.

Starting point is 00:08:21 Thank you for supporting us tonight financially. We're promising to deliver a great show. We hope you enjoy what we've got ready for you tonight. I'm Paul Gannon, your host. We've got eight films today and we can't wait to get them to you. And we're also going to give out some major awards to best director, best film. It's all happening tonight. It's Cheap Show's ninth birthday. It's Ghostbusters 40th birthday as well. So I'm wearing my Ghostbusters clothing to show my love for this franchise. And it's also the Trash Cam Film Festival. And I thought what I'd do is to start off to do, I thought I'd do something special. I haven't done this before. Here we go. I've

Starting point is 00:09:01 done a little song to introduce the... Paul. Hang on. Paul. No, I'm gone. Don't do that. Here we go. I've done a little song to introduce the... Hang on, Paul. No, I'm gone. I got the mooseys in my heart Don't do that. I'm doing it. We didn't discuss this.

Starting point is 00:09:17 I don't give a fuck you're not hosting this at all. Look, you've already fucking knocked your chain on this already because you're... It's got a magnet on and you thought you'd wear a chain. Hello everyone. No, you're not the host. Sit down. You're a contributor to my actor. I'm not involved in this.

Starting point is 00:09:30 Sorry, can you take this Ethan? Sorry. I'll be commenting along. No. It's my show. I've put this together. It's for me. You're just a contributor so you're not in the show today.

Starting point is 00:09:41 Okay. Alright? Okay. Fine, yeah. Just sit back down or something. I don't know. Well, don't do any songs please. So you're not in the show today. Okay. Alright? Okay. Fine, yeah. Sit back down or something, I don't know. Well, don't do any songs, please. I wanted to do something special, a nice song to get it going.

Starting point is 00:09:52 Singing a song about the movies, one, two, three, the movies. I've seen them on a VHS, a DVD or a Blu-ray, yes. So I've been to the movies I've seen a movie or two I saw a film called How's Your Father Then escaped from the mission to... Chodny Boroff. Right, hello, welcome to The Cheap Show. Trashcan, remember that?

Starting point is 00:10:16 Film Festival. Today we're going to show you eight films from eight revolutionary... ...filmmakers, famous filmmakers who have made films today, and you've done one as well. I've done one. So seven talented people have made films today, one guy's not one off. I didn't knock it off.

Starting point is 00:10:35 Yeah you did. I've seen it. Also, I shouldn't allow it in, strictly speaking. What? Because it was two minutes and 20 seconds, and the rule was two minutes 20. Why don't you do your fucking song again?

Starting point is 00:10:48 I've been to the movies, a one, two, three, four movies. I've seen a VHS and two, a DVD and how you do. We've got eight films, so let me go through the name of the film and the artist behind them. This is what you'll be seeing in this order tonight. We have a film called, oh they're all two minutes so they're not going to go on forever, just so you're wondering, they're all two minutes. Are they though? Yes, well yours wasn't, was it? Yours is one minute, two minutes twenty because you thought you were that special and strictly speaking I shouldn't allow it in. It's well.

Starting point is 00:11:28 So what? Well, get on with it. Do you want to help? I don't know why I spoke that high. Hello everyone, I'm Eli Silverman. Uh, Chodney, Chodney Borough. Don't do, don't, no. Chod.

Starting point is 00:11:40 It's not a night for Chodneys or Boroughs. There's no nub nubs, there's no Chodneys. Kissy kissy nub nubs. There's no Chodneys. Kissy kissy nub nub. There's no fucking any of that today. It's a serious film festival. I put LED lights up that look from a distance like a trophy. Oh yeah, I should show these.

Starting point is 00:11:56 This is what they'll be... The awards they'll be aiming for tonight. The Trashcan Film Festival Award. The Cheapo. Chodney. It's not the Chodney. It award the cheapo Chodney it's not the Chodney it's not the fucking Chodney a bar off come on you know what's worse is well I know the chat room right now is gonna have people say actually the Chodney is a great name let's call them a nub nub no pick one I'll let you pick one do you want to call it the Chodney the Chodney award for best whatever the Chodney yeah hey Chodney I hang on, because I'm going to get at least one of these.

Starting point is 00:12:26 No, put them down. I'll just take one. No, you've got to put that down. You have no inkling of the judging process. This is what they're playing for, the statuettes, the Chodney Award, or officially speaking, the Trash Count Film Festival statuette. Fill a green nub nubs. Yeah, ooh.

Starting point is 00:12:47 We've got a small live audience today. That go up your arse. LAUGHTER I tell you what, I can't watch you fucking gold here. What's never been done, it's a bungalow. What's never been done with a trophy? I bet no-one's ever considered sticking a trophy up an arsehole I mean is that what you that's literally what you've got to give to them you said do something I'm doing something

Starting point is 00:13:14 what you're doing is beneath you I know you can do better stick up your your uh hogs eye wow down down your hogs eye it would! Down! It would be down, wouldn't it? Depends, if you're a wreck it would be down. But if it's drooping down you'd have to stop it. You wouldn't be able to get it up if it was drooping. You could. I reckon you could. Elastic band, a couple of lollipop sticks,

Starting point is 00:13:36 and a toffee hammer. I reckon you could bang that right up the chuffer. And if you've got a chuffer, you could stick it. You know what, Eli? Any hole's a goal, isn't it? Any hole's a goal when it comes to sticking statues somewhere. Isn't it? Mouth, nose, hog's eye, it's a fanny bumhole. Anything else?

Starting point is 00:13:58 Self-inflicted side wound with open bowie knife. Gusset farmer. Gusset... What's a gusset farmer? It's a scraping implement. It's like a plough for your pants. It's a... Do you want to continue? Yeah I can keep going with this. I know you can't. I just want to do the announcement. No if you um um if you get your pants out. Yeah. Squeegee it basically. It's a it's a pant squeegee. It's a trout it's a gusset squeegee. It's a pant squeegee. It's a trow... it's a gusset squeegee. It's a trouser squeegee. It's a trow... and... and...

Starting point is 00:14:25 Tube steak. Tube steak. Put a trophy down, you haven't won one yet. Come on mate! Put a trophy down. Get a... get a... what? You haven't earned one yet, put a trophy down. Only winners get to take one of those home. Sorry, let's go through the list. The first film today will be... we'll go through these quickly now,

Starting point is 00:14:42 is A Lovely Day for My Civic D duties in London, London N19. That's by the comedian and actor, Mr Paul Putner. Comedian, actor and radio for starlet Tom Mayhew has made a film called The Silver Man. I wonder what that's about. I can't help being loved, mate. I can't help it. You can't help being loved. I can't help it if people love me.

Starting point is 00:15:04 What a burden it must be to be constantly loved I'm not called the suspicious type in the comments below videos that we put out we also have a video by actor comedian and poet Richard Sandling and he's got a film called questions Stuart Ashen then has delivered a film. His film is called Basement Property Update. And Ashfrith, The Ashes. Ashfrith and Stuart Ashen, The Ashes. Stuart Ashfrith has done a film called Boo. What do you think that's about? Ghosts. An Actor is the film by Ellie, Ellie Slatherman. It's not called... Ellie Slatherman is called An Actor. It's not called... Ellie Slavaman, it's called An Actor? It's not called that.

Starting point is 00:15:48 Well no, I didn't know what it was called, because you just handed it in with a bit of a sticky tape on it. It's untitled. It's untitled. It's not untitled because you called it An Actor. I thought you called The File. No, I was just... no, but... So what? Anyway. Oh, improv, not your game tonight, mate.

Starting point is 00:16:04 I'm not feeling game tonight mate. I'm not feeling it tonight. I'm not up to the game. I'm not up to the sport. Of what? Of this. Of this pattern. Come on mate.

Starting point is 00:16:12 You thought you didn't want me to be here? I don't. Well then. It's just you linger. Mine one is untitled. Do you have to let him linger? Hello. My film is untitled.

Starting point is 00:16:24 And un-good. It's un-good. It's pro-shit. It's awful. It's awful. Anyway, his film is untitled, stroke and actor. And then we have Good Things Crumb to Those Who Wait by Channel 84. There's no... yeah, what you got to say for yourself there, Tom? We're really sorry. Really sorry. Yeah. You're going to want to apologize a lot between now and its broadcast, Tom, because that's

Starting point is 00:16:54 the closest thing we can say is a trigger warning video. We will be making that. So bear with when it comes to this video later. Maybe don't watch it if you've just eaten, I don't know, soup or blamonge or digestives or digestives any food. And then finally our last film, our eighth film, and this is one I've been looking forward to. It's called Un Film d'Acteur by Ethan Lawrence, and you know what? We've got Ethan Lawrence here as well. So Ethan if you want to turn your microphone on darling and come and join us on stage for to talk about your film.

Starting point is 00:17:33 Come right to the middle. I got a stick my there, I didn't have enough money for the power mics. No, no, well it goes to the talent. Absolutely. And you know you are a talented man but what's that? Hmm? What's this? what for well I'm sort of in the short film game now as this is another short film I was in it's called old Silas it'll be available to her to watch soon obviously focus on this focus on this a real thing or

Starting point is 00:17:58 something you've made up for a joke no if I made this up for a joke I would not have printed a t-shirt and a cap. And two pin badges. I mean that costs money and that's, you know. Yeah. Oh no, is it good? I don't know, I haven't seen it. But I'm in it so inevitably it's going to be... Yeah? What's going on? I can hear music.

Starting point is 00:18:15 Are you playing something? Turn it off! I can hear it. I think he's playing this live stream. Tom, I don't want to hear us back. Tom, turn it down and put earphones in. Tom! Tom! It's off, it's off!. Tom turned it down and put earphones in. Tom, Tom. It's off, it's off. Fuck me. Fucking hell. It's going well.

Starting point is 00:18:29 Sorry, when he wanted to do it, I was like, I'll give the little channels a chance. You know, the little channels who want our scrapings. Oh, he's off. Scrapings, that's what you use that thing for. We're not talking about it. Anyway, tell us about your film, just a little pre-see of what's to come.

Starting point is 00:18:43 Well, I mean, it's about the process, and it's about philosophical treaties on what it actually means to be an actor. Right, OK. I think a lot of people look at the acting game and they think, oh, you know, she's playing Jethro or whatever. Yeah, well, that's what I think. Did you show him my one? What, your film?

Starting point is 00:19:01 Yeah. No, it came before yours. Yeah, I haven't seen your film. No one's seen your film, mate, till tonight. Just weird, similar... What do you mean? ...themes. Well, okay, so you don't know.

Starting point is 00:19:10 He's also done a film about the acting process. Oh, that's fun, isn't it? But like, if yours is like, you know, the South Bank show, his is more like a Sesame Street version of that. Okay. Sesame Street is great art. It is great art. For children!

Starting point is 00:19:21 For children with low mental capability. No, it's not for children with low mental. You need to watch it, mate. It's for kids who can't count, isn't it? No, it's not! It's for everyone. It's for fucking everyone. It's not. It's specifically made for kids. Do you count in it? In the film? Do you count in your film?

Starting point is 00:19:40 I don't count in it, no. Not that much like Sesame Street? No, but yours was like, again, just my opinion. Yours is more considered peace. It was more like emotionally raw where you're no offense. Yours is a little bit kind of labored. I mean, I put a lot of thought into it. Yeah, no, I know. You know I care about cheap, I care about the products. No, you've been a big support, you know, financially and as well as morally and things like that. Ethically as well. Ethically know it's good to have you involved in the show, it's good for our kind of presence online. For Graxton. Well no, OK, sponsored by

Starting point is 00:20:12 Graxton Industries. We've got the samples here. The samples? Yes. The B12. Yes, not the B12, don't fucking lie to yourself about what they are. You know exactly what they are. You know exactly what they are. You know exactly what they do to you. They're experimental. They make you irrational. They make you horny. They make you fevered. And they make you very thirsty. So what's different? Ah ha ha ha! Ah ha! No it's not wasn't. Are they here? It's alright. It's alright. Are they here? Did you bring them here? It's alright. Did you bring them here? Yes I did.

Starting point is 00:20:46 But you're not getting them until after the show. The basis is, no no no no no, stay there. The basis is, the show goes well, you've earned your samples, you get the samples. You don't get them beforehand, you don't get them during, you're not getting them now, but they're in this building and I'm not telling you where they are. You get them if you do well. If this show comes off alright. Well that's out of the window.

Starting point is 00:21:08 No it's not, this is going really well so far. Did you hear that song you fucking did? I went to the movies, one two three four five, I saw a little film called Buried Alive, a mother was buried in garden, a mother was buried alone, oh who could find her quickly for find the quickly for it battery runs out your phone is a thriller You asked me I'll make a song about any film. Okay. All right Go on any film what's that one with the 100 days of so I don't know did we have some fun? We ate some shit on a paper plate and then I got covered in cum. Something like that, innit? That's that one where they live next to a concentration camp.

Starting point is 00:21:50 Oh, the good boy in the stripy pyjamas? No. Oh, the point of... Oh, five. I live next to a naughty camp and people don't come out alive. Oh my God. We're this close to being cancelled, everyone. Oh, I won't do that then.

Starting point is 00:22:14 All right, how about I actually genuinely apologise for that. Paul Gannon, the real man, stepping out of character. Sorry, I crossed the line into the zone of interest. Anyway, not getting your samples, you're not getting your samples. Oh yeah, the plot. Yeah, it's not a plot really. It's a subplot, at best, it's a subplot. No, it's... It's what? It's what? It's what? It's what? It's what? Come on, what is this?

Starting point is 00:22:46 What is this? Come on, what is this? What? It's something I like and they were for me and I could be working tonight. Even if that's true, I'm not giving you before the show. This is fucking cruelty! It doesn't matter, you're not getting them before the show because of the way they make you fucking act. It really is that simple put that down Oh, that's for you. You won that I've won this I'll fucking put it down because I will have you I

Starting point is 00:23:11 Will butter your baps and slap you to Easter. I will do yeah Oh, do something about that did it lead it did it did it did it did it oh I bought it as back for Easter I slathered them with my butter and when I got close to rejection I didn't give him my butter. Alright, good. Alright, we did that then. Happy now. Ethan, thank you very much. I'll be speaking to you a little bit later because we'll be having an actors discussion later about the show. So there you go. So get your microphone off as well. Right, okay, so let's go through very quickly before we go to the films. We're going to go through the award categories themselves. What the awards are. One, two, three, four, five, yeah.

Starting point is 00:23:52 So we have best editing. How good a film was edited, right? The editing of a film. Mate! What? Stop it, don't you dare. What? You're looking, don't look dare! What? Find them.

Starting point is 00:24:06 Don't look for them, you won't find them. You won't find them. Maybe I've got them on me. Maybe I've got them. You're going to molest me on camera, are you, just for your sweet, sweet samples? You're going to put your hand down, the trousers on you, have a good old rust, maybe I've wrapped a ramby dick, Eli, eh? Maybe I've done that.

Starting point is 00:24:23 Maybe the samples currently secure my pipage. A little powdery sleeping bag for the sleeping nubule. How about that? Maybe, go on, do you want to have a look for them? Are you that keen? Do you want to look for them in me pants? Do you want to? Do you want me to pour my pants down on stream so you can look in my pants?

Starting point is 00:24:45 Is that what you want? Best editing. Then, best cinematography. How a film looks, how it looks to the eye, how it's framed, the mise-en-scene. All that kind of lovely stuff. Best script. Which one had the best words in or had the most riching and enriching narrative? We'll find out. Best acting, I mean to the best actor. I'm going to apologize right now as well for the absolute sausage fest that is this episode. All men. I wanted some more representation. Didn't get it.

Starting point is 00:25:19 Just a sausage fest. I'm just going to say that out loud. Now I'm sorry. Just an all sausage awards. All white as well. Yeah, it's pathetic. Anyway, best actor, best director, who directed best, who knew where to put the camera best and say action. Oh and then, so where you can get it, oh we've got best film, overall best film, it might not win best actor, it might not win best editor, but overall maybe it's the best film. That's the major award best film tonight.

Starting point is 00:25:50 And don't worry because you watching this live get to have your say tonight as well because we're going to be doing a live poll where you can do, at journey interval, we're going to launch a live audience vote. All the films, All seven films will be listed and you can vote on which is your favourite. So it might be against the judges opinion because these are now going to the judges tonight and we'll be getting the awards a little bit later on in the show. So yeah by all means vote on seven of those eight films. Pardon me. Erm... You wouldn't get this from Jimmy Phan would you? Jimmy Phalatio more like, eh?

Starting point is 00:26:30 Jimmy Phalatus more like. Nub Nub Eyes. Nub Nub Eyes! I wanna touch you with my nubbing tonight, I want your nub nub eyes. What are you doing? Is this all you've got? Nub nub. What does it do? What's this? What are you coming up with? You sat out there in the kitchen. You just sat out there in the kitchen walking around minding your own business.

Starting point is 00:26:59 I want something to do! And you march off with a cup. Give me something to do then. I'll announce some of this. No, they're all done. I've done all the bits now. We're going to get finally into the actual films part of the night now, where we show the films. What could you do with this?

Starting point is 00:27:15 Fuck it! I mean, that's what you just want to get to. No, I wanted you to do a double-dush dunk dunk. I'm going to take you to the dirtiest place on earth. You know where it is? My mind. No, Poker Nose. I'm going to take you to the Poker Nose. Poker Nose? The Poker Nose? Poker Nose!

Starting point is 00:27:35 What's that? I'm going to poke you in the nose. Is Poker Nose a place? Poke it down in the poke-a-pah-mew-da-pah-hah-mah Come on pretty mama Tiago, Monte-go, tell me when will we go to the Angola, amigo, and I'm gonna make it where the sun goes down, we'll take it fast and then we'll take it slow, that's where we're gonna go, down in the coca, Bahamuda, Bahama. Who sang that then?

Starting point is 00:28:05 Mr. Music. Barry Manilow. No. Double Dush My Dunkies. It's not. I tell you what, I'll give you a clue. This band. Neil Diamond.

Starting point is 00:28:14 No. Pet Shop Boys. No. What? It's the Beach Boys. Yes. Jeff Loves Era. The most hated man in pop apparently, isn't he?

Starting point is 00:28:24 Jeff Loves Era, is he? Yeah. I thought he was Farah. Oh, hey! Hey, Neera, Neera and Farah. We're great friends really, aren't we? We're great friends really. Douche, douche, my old...

Starting point is 00:28:35 Oh, I see. It's all fun and games until I get into me. And then it's too much for you. Have you been on the desperados already? I've had one. Fuck me. Just one. It loosens my tongue, doesn't it?

Starting point is 00:28:47 It loosens your fucking hand. I'm just nervous because... Watch it. You've already made light of the Holocaust. Okay? Do you need to speak to legal Eli? I think I need to speak to fucking legal on this. Who's legal, legal, legal, like?

Starting point is 00:28:57 Who's legal, legal, legal, like? I'm legal Eli. Come on in. Fly it. Legal, legal, Eli. Oh, he did it as well. He did it. I didn't have to force him. He just came in. You're sued. it, legal eagle Eli. Oh, he did it as well. He did it. I didn't have to force him, he just came in.

Starting point is 00:29:08 You're sued. Oh, objection. If it was an eagle... Oh look, I'm perched. I can double-dush this, yeah. Excellent. Eggs. Eggs.

Starting point is 00:29:28 Eggs. Eggs. This has gone to shit already. Mate. I'll do a sponsor. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's show has been sponsored by Graxton Industries. It washes off if you get in the shower within five minutes. Graxton Industries.

Starting point is 00:29:44 Right. Okay. You can fuck off if it's in the shower within five minutes. Grax and industries. Right, okay. You can fuck off if it's time to show the films. Here's one. Ah! No. Thank you for that, you heavy-footed fucking idiot. I am not heavy-footed, fuck you. I trained to be a clown.

Starting point is 00:30:03 Yes. Like a, and and... and... I would walk... lightly. Come on, walk across the stage lightly. Can you do that? Yeah, I'll do it. Neutrally. A neutral, quiet walk.

Starting point is 00:30:15 Neutral, quiet walk. So like, no faking, just... Okay. So bad. So bad. I'm walking up the red carpet. You can't do it. You do it then. Show me your red... show me your carpet walk. Not my carpet walk, just bad. I'm walking up the red carpet. You can't do it. You do it then.

Starting point is 00:30:25 Show me your red, show me your carpet walk. Not my carpet walk, just neutral. Right. That's not neutral. You're flapping your legs out. Shut up! That's what you were doing. I mean they can't see, it's probably not in shot.

Starting point is 00:30:35 But you were like this. Kicking your legs out. No, that's not any better either. Go on, get a bit, I'll do it. Get a bit handy. No, a neutral walk is better either. Come on, get a bit, I'll do it. Get a bit handsy. No, a neutral walk is just this, isn't it? See, that's, I reckon, I don't need to go to fucking clown school for that, do I? Besides, where did clown school ever get you?

Starting point is 00:30:55 Are you Mr. Big Top? Are you Mr. Big Top? I'm Mr. Big Charlie Bananas. Right, anyway, let's just crack on. We've got eight films to show you. Christ. Eight films to show you tonight. So let's begin with the first. This one is Paul Putner and let me just make sure I get this absolutely correct. His film is called A Lovely Day for My Civic Duties in London N19. Take it away. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold your horses there, I'm going to go and get some

Starting point is 00:31:48 one name trash can film festival entry it's an entry yeah no no it's not so i'll tell you where so there's lots of entries will we be seeing more of the legal eli eli legal legal legal eli will be more i like legal eli lily he tickled me that one yes he will be uh appearing yeah uh when he gets some time off he is very busy very busy cas Very busy. Caseloads. Yeah, he's got caseloads. He's got bird flu cases. Yeah, he's got avarian cases. He's got budgie, budgie. Budgie crime. Budgie crime.

Starting point is 00:32:15 Parrot fraud. Yeah, it's all sorts of bird related. No, that's like only son in Philadelphia. He's a bird lawyer. Oh yeah. Oh shit. Scratch that then, you didn't there. Anyway, this is Paul Putner's film now called My Civic Duties in N-19, whatever it is I

Starting point is 00:32:31 just said. So, let's play that now. Here we go. There's us talking still. That's me. I was wearing me Ghostbusters stuff because Ghostbusters Day wasn't it also? A lovely day for my civic duties. Civic duties in London, N19, here we go. It is Archway. Yeah, and we're very familiar with this area, aren't we? We certainly are. Because we used to be down the road for me and East Finchley. It is closing the gate.

Starting point is 00:32:54 Now Paul Pottner has done this point of view action where he's walking up and down the streets near Archway and you see him doing things like, in that case, he just closed the gate, which was open. This park is quite new. Yeah this little park. Newly been developed because it's a bit of a traffic nightmare around Archwell isn't it?

Starting point is 00:33:11 Not anymore though they have kind of streamlined that traffic around that kind of weird round about they used to be but it's not there now it's now a walk. The island bit yeah. Oh look there's a tree, a broken tree maybe by wind and he's put a little bit of tape in the wedge hole. I don't understand that. We couldn't fix it with proper so he's's put a little bit of tape in the wedge hole. I don't understand that. Well, he couldn't fix it with proper, so he's just put a little tape there for someone else to do something like that. Look, there's the oldie.

Starting point is 00:33:31 There's the oldie on the corner. Happy memories. Now, we didn't know about this, and we've been to Archway many times, and I didn't know this plaque. You find a plaque. I've got a cough, and it's something to do with Clive Bull, the actor who played... The tree. It's a tree, a plant for a tree. It was planted by Clive Dunne, official opening of the...

Starting point is 00:33:48 In 83. 83, and he was the guy who was in Dad's Army. He certainly was. They don't like it up him, he used to say. No, he wasn't Pike. No, but that's what he's... You don't like it, you don't like it up him or something. He doesn't say that.

Starting point is 00:33:59 He does, that's what his character did. Oh, God. He's all about the bayonet up the arse. You're thinking of Don't tell him your name, Pike, which is a different thing altogether. That's man wearing who says that anyway. Anyway, here's the wet paint. There's a wet paint sign.

Starting point is 00:34:11 It's the highlight of the film. He runs his finger now over the red wet paints. But it's not wet at all. The sign is a lie. Day ruined, says the video clip. And that's it. Music's gone dark and it fades out. There's a guy in an Arsenal shirt.

Starting point is 00:34:28 Which is about right for that area because Arsenal's not too far away, is it? Just down the road, yeah. You know, it's just up down the road. So that was Paul Putner's film, Reflections, Thoughts. What do you think? I quite liked it. Yeah, I thought it was all right.

Starting point is 00:34:38 Quite mellow. Mellow, it's Clankerman-esque almost. A couple of little gags. There's not much to it really. No, but a lovely little effort, all the same. I liked it's more of a and we used to wait for a certain person who said to be there in 10 minutes and then four hours later I still be at the same bus. They never fucking were. No, and then you used to feel bad for having to nag them to turn up when you're in the middle of nowhere. Well, we were in Archway.

Starting point is 00:35:13 Well, yeah, but you're standing at a bus stop. Anyway, kids, don't do drugs. Don't do what Gan and Eli do. We are a bad influence. We're waste draws. We're ruining our health and we are on our way to fix it. We've agreed haven't we? We're going to turn it around and become healthier people. Yeah. I am. You're going on a diet. I'm gonna have to. The man said I'm fat on the internet. He said I look pregnant.

Starting point is 00:35:36 Well. It's not something I haven't considered anyway. Do I look fat in this episode on the stream? Not particularly. So I wore a slightly bigger shirt that dangles but I've got the mid-thrift. You've got the mid-thrift. I've got the spread. Yeah, it happens to everyone. I'm going to be 50. I'm going to be 50, Paul. Yeah, I know. When? A couple of years, too. No. When? Next year. Yeah. Oh yeah? Yes. Oh dear. Anyway, we're still vital and important to the podcast comedy scene and we like to think of ourselves as still just as vital and as vibrant as we

Starting point is 00:36:13 were in our thirties. Spap, spap, spap. Globlins. Globlins, spap, spap, spap. We now return you to the Trash Cam Film Festival. Enjoy. Right, there you go. That's your first film in contention for one of those beautiful awards tonight. Who will win one? We don't know, not until our judges give us their final evaluations. But, um, Ethan, why don't you come back on stage and give me your thoughts on just a very quick few thoughts on that. I thought it was very well put together. Yeah. A slice of life. A slice of life is what I liked about it.

Starting point is 00:36:49 We like that sort of stuff. I particularly like the twist at the end. I'm a big fan of the twist. There's actually a twist in it. No, don't use this as an excuse to pimp your, what I presume is going to be shoddy short film. It's not shoddy. Besides, you've seen the one that I made.

Starting point is 00:37:03 Yes. You know I'm a man of quality. Yeah, butdy. And besides, you've seen the one that I made. Yes. You know I'm a man of quality. Yeah, but okay, all right, well I'll give you that. I'm not gonna take that away from you, but in terms of Paul Popner's film, which is what we're really here to talk about,

Starting point is 00:37:13 did you like it? I did like it. I did like it. I think that's, you know, it's up there. It's up there. I mean, of all the films I've seen tonight. There are some strong films today. I mean, yours.

Starting point is 00:37:23 Yours is really good. But I mean, there's some strong films coming. mean yours yours is really good but I mean there's some strong films coming not from everyone but there are some films coming I just wanted to say use this moment just kind of cool thank you for being in the show today anyway you can go sit back down okay we're gonna go to our next stop it mate seriously don't push it no we're gonna go straight to our next film don't push it. No, we're going to go straight to our next film. Don't you dare. Don't you fucking dare. Sit. Sit.

Starting point is 00:37:49 You're not the... I'll just come over there and push you down. Sit down. Fuck you. Sit down. Oh, Paul looks happy on the thing. Yeah, do you want to see why I won't? I'll change like that.

Starting point is 00:38:00 I'm like the twist in the middle of Psycho. You didn't see me coming. Oh, you've put me off now. Next film is... I haven't done anything. I'm just the twist in the middle of Psycho, you didn't see me coming. Oh, you've put me off now. Next film is by Tom... I haven't done anything, I'm just standing here. It's because you're staring at me and it's putting me off. Do a fucking song then. No, I've learned that that's a bad idea, I'm not doing that anymore.

Starting point is 00:38:19 Let me put it this way... Schindler's List. No, I'm not doing that obviously. Christ. Schindler's List. No, the next film is called, it's by Tom Mayhew. And this is a avant-garde piece called The Silver Man, Take It Away. Right, this next one's from Tom Mayhew, The Silver Man. You liked it.

Starting point is 00:38:40 I really like it. It has a almost hypnotizing, there's something about it's almost ASMRy, you know, there's something about it when he is just off and he's singing along and he just says the word Silverman and there's something about there's something pleasing. I forgot all about that Silverman rap. I know it's years ago, wasn't it? It was like episode 100 maybe, when we did the big live show at the Bill Murray pub. I think it's from that. Yeah. Anyway, let's watch Tom's film. So it's just basically a portrait shot of his laptop listening to the Silverman rap. Did you put that red sound effect on as well? It was just a, I think it was like a visualization or something. I can't remember. I think it was

Starting point is 00:39:22 like audio visualization. I think it's like one of those things where, you know, every week I do the trailer for the podcast and I put up on YouTube, a little one minute clip. I think it's the same basic process, but it's a different kind of visualization of the audio. I think that's all I did with that one. That's back. This is back in the day.

Starting point is 00:39:38 I wanna hear him. So there we go. And then he just says Silverman. He's chipping in. That's what he says. He just says Silverman every time you rap Silverman. And he's got an Apple laptop by the looks of things. So yeah, he's got a MacBook Air. But it's an in... What do you think he was trying to say with this? You know, what do you think is...

Starting point is 00:39:53 Like it's meditative and it's sort of... Is he saying he likes the podcast and he's a fan? I think he's saying I... It's just two minutes of this though, staring at his computer. I know you do. I still find it troubling. You know, it's meditative and repetition. It's like a mantra. There's something comfortable about it, isn't there? Something comforting about him going silver man.

Starting point is 00:40:15 Silver man, just slightly out of step. Silver man, there you go. You like that, don't you? Yeah, okay. It's also slightly scary it's comfortable comforting, comforting, yes but also could be if you wanted to put a narrative on it it's almost like him in a private moment in a private moment getting involved with the show weird we're very weird I liked it and I'm not I'm not joking when I say this Paul yeah that's my favorite film of the whole lot is it yes because I've got my own personal favourite.

Starting point is 00:40:46 Which is? I will come to it when we come to it. It's not yours. I will go ahead and just spoil that by saying it wasn't yours. Yours is painful and embarrassing. Oh. Anyway, back to the Trashcan Film Festival. Well, whatever that was Tom, it didn't seem like you put, if you don't, if you're watching,

Starting point is 00:41:10 like a tonne of effort into that. So I'm just going to leave that there for you to think about. Eli, do you want to talk about that? Because you seem to fucking love that film for some reason. What? No. You either eat that or you talk about Tom's film. It was good, I thought it was good. You said it was the best one. Is that what you stand for? Look at these. Do you want your samples? Do you want your samples?

Starting point is 00:41:31 Well, then, how about you put those over there, then? Just give me them. They don't belong to me. You've got a bunch of choices to make, and every choice you make gets you closer or further away from those samples. Your current choice is put those down or you don't get your samples and talk about film, which is what we're doing tonight. This is not cheap show tonight. We're not doing snacks and food.

Starting point is 00:41:50 We're not doing games. No prices shite. You can enjoy this while you watch films. It's not about that tonight. You can get crisps at the movies. Take crisps to the movies. Cheap, that's cheap. I want you to make a decision

Starting point is 00:42:01 and it's snacks or samples. Okay. So what did you think of Tom's film? I thought it was elegant, simple and using anti-conventions, like an anti-comedy take. Everything about it, it's using material that wasn't written by him. Like we mentioned it's... I would argue it was lazy shit. Yeah, it's designed

Starting point is 00:42:27 to look lazy. It's like when I was at acting school... I mean Ethan said, oh it's the TikTok generation. What's all that about? No, when I was... It was filmed in portrait. It's for the youth. My man filmed in portrait on his phone and that's... He's not a TikToker. True art though, and truly great performative art, is about putting a load of effort into something to make it look like you put no effort in. You should have mean that's what my clown master used to say. Yes did he, your clown master. Yes.

Starting point is 00:42:54 Oh the clown master's come up. He used to say just any movement you just. I used to stroke things. What's this movement? Anything you do. So let me get this straight. You go... Your clown master would come in and say,

Starting point is 00:43:08 Eli, just do this. And what did he just... And he used to bang on the drum. Did he? Bang on the drum? Yeah. Bop! And what did you do on every bop?

Starting point is 00:43:16 All right, let me do it. I'm gonna bang on the drum. Boom. Boom. Bum-bum-bum. Boom. Ooh! I like that bit.

Starting point is 00:43:24 That was the best bit. Right, closing thoughts on Tom's film. Fuck off. Right. Wait, Chris, we'll be tasting those crisps later. We've got one more film for you now before we go into our first, well, round table discussion kind of interview segment.

Starting point is 00:43:41 And this is by Richard Sandling and the film is called Questions. And here is the third film Richard Sandling's Questions. Sandling who has not been on the show since episode 50 when he was here. He was in this room. Yeah with Ash Frith. Ash Frith also who also contributed. Yeah he did, He did, we'll see that later. But this is Richard Sandling's film. Start playing it, because there's nothing happens. Yeah, let's just fucking do that.

Starting point is 00:44:11 So here it is, we're playing it now. Here we go, play. So Sandling himself was a man known for his poetry and avant-garde art and work and experimental film. He does music as well, I think. He does all sorts of things. He's quite the, what's the word when you're good at loads of things? Omniballist or something, isn the erm, what's the word when you go to loads of things?

Starting point is 00:44:25 Omniballist or something isn't it? What's the word? Omniballist? Jack of many trades. But there's a word for it isn't it? Where you like, you know what I mean? There's a word for it. There is.

Starting point is 00:44:35 Anyway the video is just him staring at a camera in a low frame rate, listening to some kind of weird music in the background. You think he's in Essex somewhere then? Yeah in his garden or something or on the road or outside of a pub. It's a road in the background, isn't it? Outside of a pub, maybe. What's the music? It sounds like the radio or something.

Starting point is 00:44:49 Or experimental music or something, I don't know. What's the word when you're a man who could do a lot of things? He's done a low frame rate. He's done an effect on it as well. Yeah, yeah, he's taken the frames out to make it more moody. And it looks quite milky. It looks like it's been shot.

Starting point is 00:45:00 Well, it looks like he's taken his camera and shot his TV screen. And it's a shot of the camera, the TV screen of the thing. Maybe. We just don't know. Polymath. Polymath, thank you. He is a bit of a polymath is Mr Sandling. Saying that, I don't like this film. No, very boring. Very boring. I mean I don't know. It's the most experimental maybe. Which is what we wanted. We wanted the variety of it. Look, that's gone backwards. He's reversed it. Did he? Yeah, look, the cars are going backwards. Oh, they are?

Starting point is 00:45:26 Oh, I see maybe there's more going on here than I thought. There's more going on here than you thought. All the cars go backwards. What does that say? Reverse, time reversing, questions is called the video? It's called questions. It's called, what are the questions? I don't know.

Starting point is 00:45:41 I think the questions are what the viewer thinks, what the fuck is this, Richard? You just knocked this off, didn't you, mate? Jesus Christ. You thought Tom Mayhew's was low fucking effort. I did say, oh, that's it, that's the film. That was that. I still prefer The Silver Man.

Starting point is 00:45:55 Of course you do, because it's all about you as well, isn't it? It's not because it's about me. It's about the celebration of you. It's not. I like it because it celebrates the wonder that is me, The Silver Man. That's fine. I'm not against you feeling that way. That's not why I feel that way about the film though. That's what I mean.

Starting point is 00:46:10 What does that do that that one doesn't? It has him repeating the word silver man when he hears you rapping. So it isn't about you then, that's fine. All right, cool. That's Mr Sandling's film. Again, not one of my favourites, but it doesn't have to be. I like the variety. It's got a look, you know, as Roxette used to say, it's got the look. They didn't used to say that, they sang it and it was you've got the look. No they must have said it, what's your song called? It's called You've Got the Look. Yeah but they must have said it a few times. They never said it's got a look.

Starting point is 00:46:40 It's got the look. No it doesn't. It's got the look. What in the world will make a bright-eyed girl go blue? And everything I do for you. And she goes na na na na na. All bound for Moo Moo. I'm doing all the 90s one. Ease of good, ease of good. Ease of good, yeah. Has anybody got any veers? Lovely. Right, back to Trash Cam. And we're back and welcome to a segment of the show

Starting point is 00:47:20 where we get into the process and we talk to a talented actor or actors about the art of acting because acting without acting what is film let's go find out more with our very special guest Ethan Lawrence hello Ethan. Hello thanks for having me. So you've been in a number of things yes such as well I mean Boat Story people know that, Afterlife, such as, well, I mean, Boat Story, people know that, Afterlife, Magic Mike 3, was it? Yeah, they've done a cute thing with the naming conventionally, they've called it Magic Mike's Last Eyes. Oh, so it doesn't feel like it's a sequel, it just feels like... What are you doing? Sit down. The acting. No. No, you are not involved in this because you are not an actor. Or certainly you're

Starting point is 00:48:03 not good enough for that. Sorry, let me just play a little game. Name a TV show you've been in. Oh sorry. Name a TV show you've been in. Round one. I was on Austrian Weather Report. That's not the same as a TV.

Starting point is 00:48:18 That's TV. Sorry to be vulgar about this. Is that TV? Sorry to be vulgar. Is that TV? No, it's not really TV. That's broadcast on television. One all, one all.

Starting point is 00:48:28 Again, just sorry to be vulgar. Another TV show you've been in? Afterlife. Afterlife. Go on, your turn. I mean, we can go on. Another one? Don Martin.

Starting point is 00:48:37 So by the margin that I'm measuring this moment. Why do you get to talk about acting then? Because I've made this show. This is my show. He's the host of the show. I'm the host of the show? Because I've made this show, this is my show. He's the host of the show. I'm the host of the show. I was in Clankerman, which I also wrote. Yeah, but what's about Clankerman?

Starting point is 00:48:50 And that won the fucking most prestigious fantasy award in Europe, the Mais D'Or. It won the Billy Bollocks Award for Who Gives a Fuck. Because no one knows about your film, apart from maybe half-drunk people coming back on a flight from Tokyo. Just a little thing, yeah, what happened was we kept losing the stream throughout the show and we were like, what's causing this laptop to keep dropping out and turning itself off? It just completely just turned itself off.

Starting point is 00:49:20 I thought it was bricking. I was bricking bricking myself. Well, thinking we wouldn't stream, Paul. I was putting. You were putting brown bricks in the pants of love. Not brown. What kind of coloured bricks would be coming there then? Blue ones. Blue bricks. Blue bricks. Anyway, look, so it turned out that what was happening was Tom was putting his phone, his Apple phone, on the laptop and this NFC chip or something was having an effect on the laptop and turning it off. How does that work? I tried to read it. It's like the same thing that... Yeah but there's nothing like that in the laptop. It's for reading cards. Yeah but there's nothing like that in the laptop. So what was it tripping in the laptop with that signal? That's what I'm

Starting point is 00:49:59 saying. No, the laptop has an NFC reader. It doesn't. It's too old for that. It doesn't have that in. So I don't know. And also if it did that every time you used it, that's a fundamental flaw. And besides my phone has that and it didn't set it off, I tried to test it myself. So anyway, throughout the show we kept losing. I think it only happened three times though, right? Three, maybe four. We kept dropping out. So that was a bit of a pain in the arse. So that explains that then. If you were wondering at home what happened during the night, that That's what Tom's phone was killing the laptop at random times mate. You're gonna have to stay awake Come on. I know the drugs are hitting you hard mate, but you know what happens when I have to carry this podcast alone

Starting point is 00:50:35 It becomes an embarrassment which effectively makes it your problem. Well, what do you want me to say? Just just stop me when I talk shit you are you keep you don't stop, you keep blabbering on. Nothing, nothing coming out. Nothing ever happens, nothing happens at all. The needle returns to the start of the song and we all sing along like before. Then I spunk on a wall. And I all get my globlins out and globlins tomorrow.

Starting point is 00:51:01 I'll shat out a goblin. Anyway, back to the show, back to the thing. I'll shut out a goblin. Anyway, back to the show, back to the thing. You either fucking fix this, or I'll fucking have you. Spend some fucking money there. No, it's not about that, is it? Yes it fucking is. Right, just get on with it.

Starting point is 00:51:18 Oh fuck off. Get out of my seat. Well, we're having an acting talk. Alright, you know what? what fine, have a little chat Have a little fucking chat While I'm breaking my fucking balls Have a little fucking chat, go on I just think it's appropriate Paul

Starting point is 00:51:34 Have a little chat mate Go on, it's all yours I think it's interesting because obviously you trained and I didn't So I wonder in terms of your approach when you're making art how do you approach it as opposed to... Well, I've got a process, you know, I like to improvise first. That's how I made my film for this. A lot of improv?

Starting point is 00:52:02 A lot of improv by myself in the park. It's not very funny or informative this segment, is it? Not very good. No, you're doing alright, Ethan. I'm not on about you. It's just his wailing fucking nonsense. Go on. Sorry, sorry. I interrupted. No, no, I'm sorry. I interrupted. I interrupted. I'm sorry. Are you sniffing something?

Starting point is 00:52:20 I am. Eh? Where are they? Who's fucking knows? I don't know. I don't have all the answers. Is it working? No, go on. Do your little film actors. Talk about acting. Talk about all your fucking experience in clown school.

Starting point is 00:52:31 Talk about that little advert you did. Where a little fucking hamster ate your legs or whatever. I did an advert where a hamster ate my legs. Have you done that? No, but I had done an advert where I crawled around in sheep shit on a mountain. Oh, which one do you prefer? Hamster Man or Sheep Shit Dude? And you know what? They had a hamster, so I handled the hamster, right?

Starting point is 00:52:51 Yeah, handled the hamster. I handled the hamster. Did you Richard Gere it? Did you hamster it? That's a myth. Is it? It's not a true. It's not a true.

Starting point is 00:52:59 It's not a true. Are you Italian now? It's not a true. Is it not, Atta? Go on, sorry, acting. I love this. Fucking acting from two professionals. One who's got a string of fucking TV shows

Starting point is 00:53:10 with awards and all sorts dangling off them. And one guy who did a half decent short film. Oh, it's half decent, is it? And you're in Stuart's film. What do you fucking do? You sort of really stalled the momentum, to be honest with you. Sorry, sorry. Come on, I won't say a fucking thing, go on. What do you fucking do? You sort of really stalled the momentum to be honest with you. This is... Sorry. Sorry. Come on, I won't say a fucking thing, go on.

Starting point is 00:53:28 Right, so they had a hamster. Yes. But they also just had back-up guinea pigs, basically. Brilliant. And the guinea pigs got out and they shot off. Guinea pigs, fucking... Life of their own. HE LAUGHS

Starting point is 00:53:44 No, it's good, this. No, well done. A life of their own. No, it's good this. No, well done. A life of their own they have. We had a... where are you going? I'm fucking... I don't know what I'm meant to be doing. Oh no, you want to do your acting thing, mate. You were begging for it, so go on. Well, weren't you going to lead the discussion points on this? No, it's alright. No, don't you worry about it.

Starting point is 00:54:00 You... you're an actor, actor to actor. What a brilliant form, actor to actor. Hey, actor, actor what a brilliant former actor to actor hey actor actor capital a to act community theater size day community theater community theater size they would you even haven't done that you've not even done the fucking Hatch End Art Center version of Greece have you in your hat Hatch End Art Center version of Greece yeah no I don't do musical theater yeah don't you fuck don't't I fuck? No, I don't fuck either. Thank you very much for bringing it up again. Acting, acting. Go on.

Starting point is 00:54:31 Oh, there's some fucking crisps as well. Do you know what? I genuinely, at this point, like we're so far away from an acting discussion, I really think you should just eat the crisps. Have you had these? I haven't, no. These are very good actually. it's a whole thing big in India and this I think Colac is actually an Indian brand but you don't see him very often now they're coming back I've never seen this in the boonies That's... that's actually a really nice one.

Starting point is 00:55:05 Paul, how's the crisps? It's a film awards night. Smell them. It's not a crisps night. It's not a crisps night. It's an awards night for film. Well, you're not giving us anything to discuss about acting. You're both actors.

Starting point is 00:55:16 Act, act, my darlings. You were supposed to be the chair of the discussion. Would you act what? Alright, okay, sit down. Sit down. I'm sat down. Not him. Sorry, I'm taking my. Him. Do you want me to make some room?

Starting point is 00:55:25 Sorry, I'm taking my rage out on you somewhat. No, you can't be too close to him because of the mics, they pick each other off. Okay, so what are we gonna do? We've officially fixed the handheld mic. Okay, all right. What's the pro, what's good about acting? What do you mean, what's good about it?

Starting point is 00:55:40 What's good about acting? You said earlier that like, you know, I have to go a bit like this. Yeah, but why didn't you wanna be a doctor? That's fucking banging. These are banging. They're very good, that is very good. You said good about acting you said earlier that like, you know These are banging very good guys very good Why didn't you want to be a doctor or something more productive to give back to society? Well, right so you know to give back to society like tick tocks about fucking tougheners. You chose the career mate Yeah. Yeah, I did. Yeah, okay, and it's a tricky industry. I don't know why you why you going for me about that I mean just saying you're why is it so you're fucking radio producer I don't know why you're going for me about that. I'm just saying, innit? Why is it so good to be an actor?

Starting point is 00:56:06 You're a fucking radio producer. Like, you know, you're not providing anything. I provide local news and information. I was on the Austrian weather report. Well, yeah. What doing? What does that even mean? It was snowing. In real life it was snowing? I was on a ski holiday. Right.

Starting point is 00:56:24 Bross were big at the time. Bross? Yeah. Or BROSS. When will I, will I be famous? I can't answer that. I can answer that. You'll never be famous. Well you have never been famous. I'm just saying though Paul, don't denigrate the profession. My question was, why be an actor? What's so good about it? Why does the arts draw you? Well, do you know what? I actually think, not to bring this discussion to a halt, but I really think that if you watch my film, you'll know. You obviously watch this one as well, this is a horror film. Death through a taxi, what's it say?

Starting point is 00:56:56 Death through a lens. Really near death glasses, don't you? But I was, no, if you watch the film that I've made for this, that provides the answer. And I don't really want to give that away, you know? Well, okay, so I'll tell you this. To be fair, the film you sent in does speak, I mean, like, you know, it doesn't convey perfectly the question, maybe I'm getting at here. All right, so maybe the film speaks for itself. And I'm looking forward to everyone seeing it and like, you know, so maybe we...

Starting point is 00:57:19 Yeah, we can do something together. I think, you know, it'd be a good companion comparison to mine, because no, no, no, no, no. Comparison to mine, because, like I say, I was just amazed it's covering some of the same things. It's parallel thinking, isn't it? Yeah. And that's with both artists, like, you know, we're going to hit things from sort of like a similar... Maybe I'd argue that you have no original thoughts,

Starting point is 00:57:38 so that's why he copied his. Because he gave him in first, and you said you didn't watch it, but you looked at the folder I had all the films in films in so you did see it so you did copy it I didn't copy nothing I mean we gave me like a couple of weeks into the into the into the you know what's the way to look and about having it fuck you and you saw it on my hard drive you saw his you saw Ashen's you saw Stuart's Ashes and Stuart's so you've seen a few of them, so you obviously saw what his was. I didn't see it. Is that true? It just sounds, it's funny that you bring up the synchronicities. Bit underhanded. But I'd go as far as to say it was just plagiarism. Anyway. I'll be cross if you

Starting point is 00:58:14 did do that because that's not very nice. That's really not, that's not cool. Well I didn't do it. One last question Ethan. What would be your dream role? Dream role? If you could have any role in the world? I'd like to. Obviously the Bard would be something, you know something Shakespeare like you know. The Bard, the Bard. You uncultured swine. I thought you said Bart Simpson. If they remade Rematch in the Stone I'd do the Danny DeVito role. Yeah that's the thing. I made a rematch in the stone, I did the Danny DeVito role. Yeah, that's a funny one. Any Danny DeVito role. I'd like to do any twins, we can remake that.

Starting point is 00:58:48 Yeah. I'm a twin. I'm a twin. I'm a twin, I am Danny. Oh, Danny, I'm a twin. How you doing that? Is he from Bolton, is he? Yeah, I'm doing horny.

Starting point is 00:58:56 I'm a boss, what you diggin'? I'm a terminator. I'm a terminator, I'm a twin, and I'm a true lies. I've got... I'm a boss, what you diggin'? I'm a terminator. I'm a terminator, I'm a twin, and I'm a true lies. I'm a terminator, I'm a twin, and I'm a true lies.

Starting point is 00:59:04 I'm a terminator, I'm a twin, and I'm a true lies. I'm a terminator, I'm a twin, and I'm a true lies. I'm a terminator, I'm a twin, and I'm a true lies. I'm a terminator, I'm a twin, and I'm a true lies. I'm a terminator, I'm a twin, and I'm doing Arnie. Ooh, I'm Arles Schwarzenegger. I'm a Terminator. I'm a Terminator, I'm a twin, and I'm a true lies. I've got Toto Rico. Oh, I remember everything. Eee, ooh. You're Danny DeVito. Hey. LAUGHTER

Starting point is 00:59:19 Good, that. I'd cast you immediately. Yeah, good, that. Right, at least I know had to walk across the stage. Go on, do it one more time. You can fuck off in that direction, doing it. Sorry, so what play from the bard would you like? I mean, I personally see maybe like a Hamlet in you. Well, that's the big one, isn't it?

Starting point is 00:59:37 That's the one that we're all shooting for. But, you know, people sleep on a Macbeth. They sleep on a Tidus Andronicus. They sleep on a Coriolanus. Yeah, but I think the weird thing about Macbeth is it almost seems like two done. Everyone's done modern-day Macbeth and stuff. But actually... In a way, though, but the handling is also very similar in that regard. Romeo and Juliet, too.

Starting point is 00:59:54 I mean, the reason why people keep coming back to these stories... You know what? You would make a great King Lear. I will say that. I think once you can age into that perfectly... What are you talking about? King Lear could be great if you do. Yeah, I could age into that. Ageing mad man, you know, family. It's not appropriate. He doesn't have a King Lee. What does that mean? I can act it can't I? I don't have a King Lee. I can do it. You don't act mad. It's like what's a Clanker

Starting point is 01:00:15 man? It doesn't fucking matter, you made it happen, you birthed it so that's yours. You're not an Austrian weatherman but you managed that didn't you? Yeah you managed to go on a road walk. I'm in the snow in Austria. I was in the background. Yeah, great, so you weren't even on real telly. I was on fucking TV AM. I had thrush. With Lin-Folge Wood. I had thrush.

Starting point is 01:00:31 Did you? Well bad, the whole of that holiday. It was really bad, crackly nutsack. Like... The problem is, when he brings the real stuff into what is obviously a fate imaginative moment, it kind of railroads everything to just ask more questions. who gave you Thrush? My first girlfriend. Yeah? And last. Actually that's where I lost my virginity, that holiday. In Austria? In a toilet. On

Starting point is 01:00:55 the weather station. That's what a romantic life you've led. You had shitty sex in an Austrian toilet that got Thrush. Oh mother, oh mother wait till you hear the story of love. Oh mother? Yeah I'm wait till you hear the story of love. Oh mother? Yeah, I'm talking to my mum. Mother, I've got a tale of love for you. It's about a man, a wise man. I didn't say it was a tale of love. Who had sex with a woman in a toilet in Austria and was in the background of a weather report

Starting point is 01:01:15 and then got a terrible nutcrush thrush. A lot of things happen on that one. Nutcrush thrush. Nutcrush thrush. Nutcrush thrush, nutcrush thrush. Everybody likes a bit of nutcrush thrush. That's good, I like that. Oh thank you, I'm glad. I made it myself.

Starting point is 01:01:27 Nutcrush, thrush, everybody likes a bit of nutcrush, thrush. You crack open the balls with a toffee hammer, all it comes out is a seeping... Seeping what? Seeping hot fire. Right, let's go on. You know what, we need to get through these films, so let's do that now.

Starting point is 01:01:43 TOFFEE HAMMER Our next, is by Stuart Ashen and it is called Basement Property Update. Let's go to that right now. Right, it's Stuart's film next, called Property Update something or other video. It was a very interesting film, I thought. Let's play the film now, see what we get. So it is a point of view shot again, before, with a character, Stuart's is a character of some kind of property manager or something. An estate agent.

Starting point is 01:02:17 An estate agent reviewing a property that's about to be moved into by some unnamed client, and he's showing them. But is that really what it is? Is this actually something he... What? I get a feeling maybe he used this as an actual video to show someone his basement. No he filmed especially for the show. But why? Well why film the Silverman laptop? Everyone... This is his character piece isn't it? I mean look spoilers at the end you go down the alleyway don't you? He goes out of the building and down an alleyway and then there's like a bag a bin bag in the corner and in the corner there's a little foot sticking out the

Starting point is 01:02:48 bin bag oh is there yeah you're not near as that before i didn't notice that yeah and he doesn't mention it he just carries on so it's a horror is it is it like a liminal kind of horror space type thing so i think it's because it's an empty it's an empty space it has an eerie vibe especially when he goes in the in this bit where he goes he's opening the corridor. I can see his reflection there. Yeah, the mise en scene. Stop saying that. Look, it's all gone.

Starting point is 01:03:10 I thought he was going to give us a jump scare in here, to be honest. Because look how spooky dark it is down there. It must be underground though, because it was light outside when he was in the flat in the building. But look, see, he's going down these dark corridors. Is it underground? I think so, but I don't know. Look at all the little dots and wisps going by. Look there's a bin back there. Look at the bin back.

Starting point is 01:03:29 20 minutes. Now he goes past. He looks over the top of it and what do you see? A foot. Ah. But he doesn't mention it you see. It's just like oh what's going on here? Why is there a foot in a bag? Someone's been murdered. What horrors lurk? Someone's been murdered. What horrors lurk in the basement? And that's that. That's his film. I like that one. It has a vibe. It has a vibe baby. It's spooky vibe. It's got that liminal horror thing I like. This Skinner Moring style almost. Do you know when you said spooky you did Roy J fingers just then. No I didn't. Yes you did. That's Roy J. Who's Roy J? Slither guy. Yeah. You said spooky. No no no. Yes you did. I'll tell you why it isn't. You went spook. No, no, no. I'll tell you why it isn't. Because

Starting point is 01:04:07 I did it face on, like I'm playing the piano almost doing spooky, spooky. Yeah. Like a ghost with a hook with a cloak on. He does this to the side. His hands go out to the side. Spook. Slither. He's all like a raptor almost, you know? Yeah. To the side. You say what you like, but you are internalizing Roy J. No. I want you to take that back. I'm not going to take that back. I got beaten up with your stupid fake film festival. That was because you kicked off with Ethan. You got me addicted to a fucking drug.

Starting point is 01:04:36 You got yourself addicted. Those samples were never meant to be taken by... You got me addicted to a drug that doesn't exist anymore. Imagine that. You got addicted to that because those samples were never meant to be ingested. They were never meant to be ingested. They were meant to be for cleaning sinks and like limescale and stuff in the showers. It wasn't meant to be actually slaughtered. Why are they called samples then?

Starting point is 01:04:56 Because they were just generic samples. They had code numbers and stuff. You were never meant to ingest them. I think you were. No you weren't. You didn't try it. I did and it made my spunk all purpley. Oh. I keep telling you this. And that's all it did? And I learnt my lesson. Oh no, it made me have howling shits for a couple of days as well. Howling shits? Yeah, the howling shits. What you were going to say was just

Starting point is 01:05:16 like the screaming memes down there. It was just terrible. It was like the screaming memes down there. Yes. What are howling shits, Paul? When it just comes out. Like a howler monkey? Like a tornado. Like, something like that. Something like that, innit? Howling shits isn't a phrase, I'm sorry. I had the howling shits. Doesn't make sense. People say the screaming shits, though, don't they?

Starting point is 01:05:38 No. Yeah, I've got the screaming shits. The screaming ab dabs or whatever they say, innit? The screaming ab dabs. I don't know. That's what I've heard, bottom say, the screaming ab dabs. I don't know, that's what I've heard. Bottoms say the screaming abdabs. I don't know what that is. I don't know what that means.

Starting point is 01:05:48 But I've heard it. It's not good. Isn't it? What does it mean? It's racist, I think. Oh God! Screaming abdabs. Are you actually looking this up?

Starting point is 01:05:56 The screaming abdabs. Mid-20th century slang whose origin is unknown. The sometimes means an attack or delirium of extreme... Delirium tremens....state of extreme nervousness. Delirium tremens is what you get when you're withdrawing from alcohol. Well luckily it's not racist so I can say I've got the ab dabs and you've got the sample ab dabs. Eli, Eli, Eli get off your phone, get off your phone, get off your phone. Eli, what are you looking at? Eli, you've got the sample ab dabs. Stop staring at me and say something. Here's the episode.

Starting point is 01:06:30 Let's go back and fucking, what? No, let's, what film, whose film is this? I don't know, we've done it. We've come out of that one, we're going to the next one. We're going back to the episode. That was Stuart's. Not your favourite though? Yes, fine. Moving on. Wasn't your favourite? I'm bored now. Move it though? Yes, fine. Move it on. Wasn't your favourite. I'm bored now!

Starting point is 01:06:46 Stop it! Where? Stop it! You're not going to find them until the show's over and then you can have all the samples you want. You said I could fucking have them before! You're being a cunt about this. I said you could have them after the show.

Starting point is 01:06:59 There's no way! What's the point? Because when you're on that stuff, no one can control you. Get away! Get away from there. From there? No, I just want you away. You're live guys, sorry.

Starting point is 01:07:11 I know. What now? They're watching you at this point. The next, sorry, the next, don't. Mate, I will fucking swing for you, please go away. If you want the samples, you can have them right now, but you can fuck off and I'll take your film out to the festival. You won't win any awards. Again, another one of the choices I said you can have them right now, but you can fuck off and I'll take your film out to the festival. You won't win any awards. Again, another one of the choices I said you can have today.

Starting point is 01:07:28 You can either have your sample or you can fuck off. I thought there were four samples, four packets. Yes, there are, but I've only brought one because if you get more than one... What? Because if you get more than one, dipshit, I'm not wiping you again. We are still live. I'm not wiping you again. The next film. The next film is by

Starting point is 01:07:47 another Ash based performer. You know him as comedian and sometimes comedian Ash Frith and he's got a film now called Boo. Take it away. And now we interrupt again for another film and this one is Ash friths and it's called Boo a ghost story and as you said on the night very reminiscent of that a 24 film called a ghost story but I think I mean this personally speaking was my favorite of the night wasn't so much like you know what I would consider objectively the best but it tickled me he used his family he did as I'm all in and it's about a ghost being hit in the nuts. Is that ethical? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:08:28 Using your family as actors? Yeah. I don't think it is. That's what Capella did, didn't he? Arthur Strong Capella. What's his name? The guy did Godfather. Arthur Strong Capella. Capella? That's apple juice. What's the guy who did Coppola? Surf, Sulti Capella.

Starting point is 01:08:46 What's his name? The Godfather man. You were fucking me up. I know. You're coming down mate. It's the side effect of the drugs. Francis Ford Capella. Coppola. The name is. Francis Ford Coppola. Yeah. Yeah, that's him. Anyway, let's watch, let's watch Ash's film called Boo. A ghost story. A ghost story. And I like this because I like the wacky music and it's black and white with a little bit of a fake old film score thing on. And he's done a sort of fake filter. Yeah, so it looks like an old silent movie. He's gone through quite a lot of effort.

Starting point is 01:09:16 He has. Lots of different shots and you've got the ghost getting up in the morning putting his sunglasses on. Yeah, he's got a sheet over his head, the classic ghost. Right. An alarm clock. He's got cutaways to the alarm clock. There's a lot of story, he gets a lot of story in two minutes. He's got title cards. And the ghost comes down woo downstairs. It's not really a lot of story but there's more than any other film in the festival. There's a lot of action in this. It's about a ghost, goes to a house to do some haunting, they

Starting point is 01:09:39 tell him to fuck off, he goes home and the wife says you're divorced. Does she say you're divorced? Yeah he hides Heinz divorce papers to the ghost. Ah. Ghost wife to ghost dad. Not that ghost dad. Is that, was that? That's a Cosby film isn't it? Ghost dad.

Starting point is 01:09:52 It is. Does he? What? Drug women in it? No. But does he hang around? Great. Boo.

Starting point is 01:10:00 Ghost. And every time he goes to say boo. Who's that? Has he had three kids? I think so now yeah. I think. I don't know. he's got his oldest. That's a new one isn't it? Yeah remember when we went to the car boot challenge in Cambridge and he brought his son. Yeah what's his son's name again? Barry. It's not. Dan Dan Badandi Dando. Wow. Badandi Dando Ash is his name. Yeah Jill Dando that's his fucking name. Not Jill Dando. She got murdered didn't she? You want to just fucking stop moving it towards that. No he's really. Look he's grown up. he's a big boy. Fuck off ghost, he tells the ghost.

Starting point is 01:10:26 No, he's... Oh, right in the nuts. I love that. A ghost being hit in the nuts... Anyone being hit in the nuts is comedy gold. Actually, you know, looking back at this... Simpsons are right on that. This is definitely the most...

Starting point is 01:10:36 Thought out and storyboarded and like lots of different shots. And that's why, you know... It's a silent film. Divorce papers, see? The ghost, she's out of the nuts. He's like, got no money. What's going on there? She's getting silent divorce papers see she's the ghost she's got no money what's going on there she's throwing a shoe at him in the nuts bonk and his glasses fell off i thought that was a jolly fun adventure did you tell him to put fin on that no everyone does because it's that trope isn't it of the short film the short uh the short film pretentious

Starting point is 01:11:01 yeah the pretentious art film ends with fin. Anyway, I like that film. I like French films. Do you? What's your favourite French film? Well, fans of Ripley, the series on Netflix, some people said was OK. Right. Should watch Purple Noon with Alan DeLong playing the Ripley character. It's a French version of that novel, The Talented Mr Ripley. When was it made? Before or after? 1967, I believe.

Starting point is 01:11:27 Oh, so well, I didn't know the books were that old. There you go. There you go. Anyway, join us next time on Film Studies Class. It's not Film Studies. You don't even know what mise en scène means. I do know what mise en scène means. I keep telling you. It is everything within the frame of the camera, within that shot. That is the mise en scène. Everything. It is. It is. It is that. It is anything that's within the lens of the camera within that shot that is the mise-en-scene. It is. It is.

Starting point is 01:11:46 It is that. It is anything that's within the lens of the shot of the film that is the mise-en-scene. The composition of what's in that shot. The various elements that make up that shot is the mise-en-scene of the shot. Wow. Don't get angry. You always do this. We had this discussion.

Starting point is 01:12:00 Don't get angry, Paul, please. I've had enough of that the other night. Yeah, well it's because you wind people up. I got punched up. Yeah, because you annoy people. What does mise en scene mean? Right, I'll tell you right now. The arrangement of the scenery, props, etc.

Starting point is 01:12:13 of the theatrical production or on the set of the film. So I am right. OK. Thank you. Thank you. I actually studied film at... I did too. ...an A level and university level...

Starting point is 01:12:23 ...where I got a 2-1. So I'd like to at least be able to say, and yes I do know the difference between diegetic and non-diegetic sounders. Okay, I know you do. I was just doing it to annoy you. Yeah, and that's why you get a punch in the face from our guest, isn't it?

Starting point is 01:12:34 That really pushed your button, didn't it? Yeah, and that's why I wanna, like Ethan, whack you right now, right in the face face. Right in the face, man. Right, next, going back to the episode. God, you make me angry. Maison Seine. Okay, so we have, that was Ash Frithill.

Starting point is 01:12:58 The Boo, which is possibly the best thing. Did you see what Ash did? Ash's Converting Show. Oh wow. It's like a little grey box. Did you see him have that? Oy you. Joe, oh wow. It's like a little grey box. Did you see him have that? Oi! It's like a little grey box.

Starting point is 01:13:09 Oi! Oi oi oi oi oi oi oi oi! What? What are you talking about? On mic, get off the mic. What are you doing? If you, you can tell me. What are you fucking doing?

Starting point is 01:13:20 What are you doing? You want me to fucking hit you? We're not on camera, no one can fucking see this. Do you want me to punch you in the face? Here's a decision for you. Do you want your sandpods? Do you want to punch it in the face? Do you want a broken nose? Jesus Christ. I can do what I fucking like to him. You would be fucking, you would be nothing without me. Let's just put that on the table, shall we?

Starting point is 01:13:40 Calm down. Let's just put this on the table. Calm down. It's not my show, you know what I mean? Calm down. It's like, ugh, you know? Come on. What are you talking about? Are you talking about the samples? He doesn't know!

Starting point is 01:13:51 Stop bringing him into it. I generally find you. He doesn't know. Tom, you don't know, do you? No, not at all. Tom doesn't know. All right. I know where they are and you're not having a blast of the show!

Starting point is 01:14:01 I've got nothing to do! I've got nothing to fucking do in the show, do I? Just let me do it, I'll leave you alone! Just give me the samples! This is gone enough. This is pathetic. This is pathetic. Pathetic. If you try it, you know why I like it so much. I know what it's like. It makes my cum taste of palmer violets. But it's different for everyone, isn't it? With you, it makes you angry. And it makes you angry.

Starting point is 01:14:28 And it makes you weirdly erratic. And I'm sick of it. I just don't want that tonight on stage. I don't want it here. Save it for after the show, please. Okay. Well, look. Sorry. We're live by the way.

Starting point is 01:14:41 I know, I don't give a fuck anymore. Jesus, Paul. The next film. Oh, it's yours. Do you want to introduce know, I don't give a fuck anymore. Jesus, Paul. The next film. Oh, it's yours. Do you want to introduce it? I don't have nothing to do. I'm sitting here with my druggie samples. I'm fucking, I know what you're doing.

Starting point is 01:14:55 Hi, I'm Eli Silverman and... Oh, wait, I'm... Ladies and gentlemen, to introduce his next, his film, actor, comedian, DJ, podcastercaster and twat, Eli Silverman, is going to introduce his film. Go on. It's untitled and I had a lot of fun making this and... Yeah, who did make this?

Starting point is 01:15:19 Because you don't do fucking nothing. I made it. So who filmed that and edited it? Because I didn't do it. No, I made it. No, you didn't. Paul, you're not actually on camera? It's nothing. I made it. So who filmed that and edited it? Because I didn't do it. I made it. No you didn't. Paul, you're not actually on camera. You made it, you didn't make it.

Starting point is 01:15:29 Why is that such a big... Then it's not your film. It is my film. I wrote, acted, performed. Ethan, did you write, direct, edit, or did yourself? Did you do it all yourself? Oh yeah, of course. Tom, did you do yours?

Starting point is 01:15:41 I don't want to admit to it, but yes. Yeah, you don't want to admit to it, but yes. Yeah, you don't want to admit to it, mate. So... So I did mine. You filmed it, you had editing software on your computer. I had some help film it. What's the name of the program? What's the name of the editing program? I sat there, I had someone helping me.

Starting point is 01:15:55 What's the name of the editing software? There's loads of it for your Chromebook. Avid. Avid. Avid. You just pulled that name out of nowhere. What version? Avid, up-to-date Avid.

Starting point is 01:16:04 Avid, up-to-date Avid. Avid, up-to-date Avid. I don't know, look I'm not, I'm using a piece of software, I'm not looking at the name you prick. Right, this is um, fine, no sorry, introduce your film. My film is untitled and I hope you enjoy it, thank you very much. Right, now we get to um, your film. Which wasn't really my film because the conceit is... No, there's no conceit, it was your film. It wasn't my film. You made it with me. I did.

Starting point is 01:16:32 We did it on purpose to be crap, to fit in with the whole story. No, are you saying that now because you're lost? Because it came nowhere. To fit in with the whole story of the night. Oh, so now you're changing your narrative now just because you got beaten up and made a fool of. So what, you're just not going to go along with this kizik for your particular video? No, because I wouldn't ever, I'm above that. I would never make something so bad.

Starting point is 01:16:50 No, but that was what you wanted, didn't it? That book of your thoughts and stuff, addiction. I know, because I thought there was the pretentious. Yeah, but it was. Pretentious. But I reckon that's still a distillation of your id within that film. Your version of pretentiousness is in that film, therefore is slightly reflective of how you see that process. You helped me make it. I wouldn't have gone for those dissolves. I wouldn't have gone for those dissolves. I had nothing to do with it. You filmed it all by yourself. How? Because I'm the judge. I wasn't allowed to be involved in any of the films. So you did it.

Starting point is 01:17:17 Less is a peek behind the fetid beef curtains. Windows movie maker apparently, ladies and gentlemen, he used. And then he just said avid. Anyway, let's talk it through. Right, let's go on. Right, playing it now. It's playing the clip. Eli introduces it. Here we go. Black and white, pretentious.

Starting point is 01:17:32 I am impressed with your phone. Camera quality. Camera quality of your phone is quite high. Yeah, it's quite good, the Pixel. I've always liked it. It's always coming handy. We've used it for a... This is, look, that's...

Starting point is 01:17:41 Anyway, that's... Look at the fear and anger on my face there, Paul. Not that we use my phone for this, by the way. Just so you know. But yeah, no, that. Look at the fear and anger on my face there Paul. Not that we use my phone for this by the way. Just so you know. You did. But yeah, no look. Look at the fear and anger on my face there. I like this look you do.

Starting point is 01:17:50 It's weird. It's like he's pained. You're thinking. You're thinking about that pain. What was going on? Being and he's signing. Eli's now ticking off a book. It's all in black and white.

Starting point is 01:18:00 Eli sits at the table. Here it comes. This is my favorite shot. And this is the rise of the noodle. Noodle rising. Like the sun. To mean comes, this is my favorite shot. And this is the rise of the noodle. The noodle rising. Like the sun, to mean what? Or the monolith from 2001, that's what I was actually trying to get to.

Starting point is 01:18:11 I guess, oh, he's bending down, sniffing the noodle, and he pulls his head back up, he's away from the noodle now. He's away from the noodle now. And now the obviously. That's reflecting. And what were you reflecting on? Well, the noodle was meant to reflect the shape of my face.

Starting point is 01:18:22 Right, like a mirror. Like a mirror noodle. So you're looking back onto yourself, and now look, here's you walking around a tree with a cup. What's the cup about? It holds the borophonase. Yeah. Yeah. And what does that symbolize? Nothing. It's just the spunk of... Is it full of globlins? Is it a cup of goblins? It's a cup of globlins. Borophonase, yeah. See, I say sup on the borophonase there.

Starting point is 01:18:42 Drink well, my son or something. Drink deeply, son. something. Drink deeply son. Yeah, that was quite a popular line. I know, why? Weirdly, I don't know. Tom and Ethan both took nicely to that. Becoming, Eli crosses out. Now onto the next part.

Starting point is 01:18:53 Oh look, here we go. You got a little crumb of noodle on your eye there as well. I haven't noticed that before. God, that camera can pick up a lot. Everything, yeah. That crumb is doing my head in. It's a big crumb. It's right on my eyeball.

Starting point is 01:19:06 I was gonna get CGI to come in and fix it and remove the crumb, but I thought no, honesty is important. And then true. It's like the- Deep-throating the noodles. I'm deep-throating the noodle there. Then he's-

Starting point is 01:19:15 That's what's known as commitment to a role. Question mark, addiction, crosses it out. Then as all films must, but at least you write the word, Finn, as if to express it yourself. As if I'm within the narrative and without it. Without, within and without. And look, closing the book, the thought process,

Starting point is 01:19:32 and what's on that T-shirt? A lantern with an iron. It's a magic lantern. Oh. You see, in many respects, it's quite strong showing that it's just a pity you stole it from Ethan. I didn't.

Starting point is 01:19:42 I mean, we'll come to it in a minute, but there's a very obvious lie that you're telling yourself here, because I showed you the early films when they came in, and then we all agreed you shouldn't see any more of them because it might infect your own process. Don't roll your eyes at me, darling. That's how it went down. Anyway, let's carry on. I feel like utter shit.

Starting point is 01:20:01 That's what happens when you do drugs, mate. That's what happens when you do samples live. Don't do it. Just say no, says Zamo. We never listen. Poor Zamo. He died for our sins. He should have done a rap song.

Starting point is 01:20:13 What? Just say ho. No, we're moving on. Back to the episode. I'm sorry. And that was Eli Silverman's film Untitled, Stroke and Actor. That's not what it's called. It is, it's called Eli Strokes and Actor.

Starting point is 01:20:31 Ha ha ha, nothing you can do about it. Right, so this next section of the show is a little bit more interesting as well than just dealing with that. So we are going to invite two of the directors of those films to come and talk about their projects. Now, so please welcome Tom please, Tom from Channel 84 and Ethan Lawrence from Ethan Lawrence. Everyone just take a seat there, Tom.

Starting point is 01:20:49 Go and take a seat there, Ethan. Thank you very much. There we go, and just remember, if you can, to talk into this mic. Talk into the mic, yeah? As close as you can to it. So, am I in shot, darling? Thank you.

Starting point is 01:21:04 Right, so, Ethan, let's start with you. Yes. When it, what, can you transfer these skills of an actor over to being a director? Well, for me, yes, because I was, as I was making my film, I was remembering some of the tips and tricks that I learned from some of the directors that I've worked

Starting point is 01:21:20 with, you know, like Steve Soderbergh. Keep talking, yeah, keep talking. Like, you know, like Richard Burr. Oh, he's worked with Soderbergh, Eli. Have you worked with Soderbergh? And that, you know, sort of the economy of shooting. Have you worked with Soderbergh the economy of shooting when it came to making the show very much like this you know have you know this is how the shot I have not worked with soda but really dynamic do you know where do you find your inspiration for the director my inspiration came from biscuits in I'll be honest we were hungry oh yes Tom, is this your first time directing? No, no we have had one before. Yeah? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:21:52 Saw it. Would you class that as a film? Some people would. Would you class what you're about to inflict on people as a film you dirty man? I'm really excited to see this by the way. Yeah, explain the thought, I mean without spoiling it, explain the thought process between you going, this is what I'm going to do, and then pressing send on the file a couple of weeks later. I'm here to do the tech Paul. No I know, but you've also submitted the film,

Starting point is 01:22:14 so defend your film, film. Defend your filthy film. I based it purely on what I learned from Cheap Show. No, no, no, no, no. I watched Cheap Show weekly and it gave me so many ideas to work with. I don't accept that. Where's Eli gone? What are you looking... Don't! It's not in there!

Starting point is 01:22:34 Mate. Oh yeah. Yeah, I'm paying him. Plus travel as well. Plus travel too! Yeah. I'm paying him. Are you not? I don't need to pay you the fucking shit. He's fucking looking to be here. Right, so when it comes to directing, what was your approach to the film, Tom?

Starting point is 01:22:51 What was your, put that down, you don't need to worry about having one of them. What was your approach to this film? What was your kind of artistic director's vision? We wanted to make something that's going to make you uncomfortable and people glued to their seats and then hate us. Would you say it was like kind of transgressive art? Were you trying to push the envelope and stuff? Were you trying to get a response?

Starting point is 01:23:13 It's definitely art. It's definitely art. Yeah? Yeah. Just out of interest, did you think what you decided to film was in any way moral? It's perfectly moral. Is it? Absolutely. I mean, we heard about a film earlier, you know, you decided the film was in any way moral. It's perfectly moral. Is it? Yeah, absolutely.

Starting point is 01:23:26 I mean, we heard about a film earlier, you know, that included the whole- Every one of your films doesn't have to have a warning in front of it. Yours does. I want you to explain why you thought that was appropriate for this film vessel. A classy independent film, first of all.

Starting point is 01:23:40 My film will speak volumes on its own, okay? I don't need to explain fuck all. Ethan, how did you go about your film? What was it in your mind? Did you think you achieved what you wanted with what you handed in? Very much so because I was going for sort of a kind of a montage style arrangement. Are you listening? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:24:00 So I was sort of going for a kind of a montage thing with a voiceover because I think you can get you can get bogged down I think with sort of like, you know sinking sound and everything like that So instead I sort of opted for a kind of sort of a pastiche a kind of you know Yeah, the pasty what they can give me the wrap-up sign dipshit I'm in charge of the show. I'll give myself the wrap-up sign all right Yeah pretty much I've done a lot of live streams between food

Starting point is 01:24:29 I've made a lot of money out of them Wrap it up Marjorie It's never Wrap it up Marjorie It's no British Comedy Awards Look at him Look at that prick Marjorie Are we? Are we doing Brutie again?

Starting point is 01:24:45 Yeah. Let's do it. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, I'm an eagle! That's shame, everyone wants to see Tom's film. We've got to fucking show it now. Sit down. Don't go round that way. Go away. I know you're very proud of yourself for coming in and making the sounds of an ill person and you thought that was appropriate. Good game, come on to me. What's on the board of this phone? in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, Sorry. I think we all just need a second moment really right now. I know you're hungover. This would mean you're always hungover, right?

Starting point is 01:25:46 You know, because you have a drinking problem, don't you? And you think I'm going to let you mix that with the samples? Because it reacts to the alcohol in your blood. I haven't drank anything. You're drinking. One, two, three. You've had eight desperados. Two of them. They're only small.

Starting point is 01:26:00 How are your stomach leaving one? Because it tastes like shandy, innit? It's like shandy almost, like a kind of lime Shandy. You know, you used to put that roses Shandy in, the roses lime, cauldron in your lager, like a tenant or whatever you used to get that. You really are a child of the seventies, aren't you? Yeah, sobering.

Starting point is 01:26:18 You're a child of, I don't know, like eighties? What are you? Oh, fuck. 92. 92? I was 14 then. How What are you? Fuck. 92. 92? I was... Old. 14 then. How old were you?

Starting point is 01:26:29 I had thrush. Okay, so I tell you what. I had thrush when you were being born probably. I would imagine so. September time. You remember it well. Is that when you go skiing holidays? Yeah. If you

Starting point is 01:26:45 had a toffee hammer you could crack my... What was it like? It was foamy, like white. No, no, no. What was it like? Have you never had thrush? No. It hardens. It's clean. And I've had sex with pure women. It hardens. Have you had sex with... It's like having a chapped lip on your nuts. You're making me put a fucking warning on my video. This is the conversation you're having. Because we're talking about something. You visualized it. Toffee hammer to the gonads.

Starting point is 01:27:12 Toffee hammer to the gonads. Something you said a lot tonight. You're really hoping it sticks, are you? It won't stick or crack. It cracks it. Fractures the crackture, doesn't it? Yeah. And then hot lava jarver comes out. Oh, hot lava jarver. Crackture, crackture doesn't it? Yeah. And then hot lava jarva comes out.

Starting point is 01:27:26 Hot lava jarva, the crackture crackture. It's not with this. It's a certain point. Crackture crackture. Crackture crackture. Eggs, doosh doosh eggs. It's the same with every cheese show. Well it's just the words that we use just no longer matter.

Starting point is 01:27:45 Hatch a caratch. We got there earlier than normal this time. Yeah, we did a lot quicker. Right, OK, I think that's a success. I think that was a successful segment, personally speaking. HE COUGHS Bye, mate. No, you've got to...

Starting point is 01:28:01 Oh, yeah, sorry. Ethan, you can go. All right, I'll go, then. Well, thank you very much, Ethan. But now, Tom, I would like you to look to the camera and first of all, I just want to say something. Oh, touch me Mike. I just want to say something. The next video, some people may find distasteful or unsightly or disgusting.

Starting point is 01:28:21 This is the trigger warning to skip to three minutes ahead in this live broadcast. Or just close your eyes for three minutes. Now Tom, it's over to you to introduce your film. I'll go press the button. Oh, thank you very much. I'll do that. Which one is it? Number seven, isn't it? I'm just going to be totally professional here. Rob, hi mate. I know you're in Greece. I'm glad you're watching. This is Good Things Crumb to those who wait and I'm sorry. I'm genuinely sorry. Right, now on to the video that caused quite the stare on the night and Tom's still apologising it for.

Starting point is 01:28:54 I was appalled. I was shocked. I was disgusted. Shocked by the power. Oh boy, shocked by the power of love. You know what, I think Soggy Biscuit probably never actually happened ever. It is one of those things, isn't it? It's probably not. Just because some people said it happened at school, but no one ever saw it,

Starting point is 01:29:12 but a friend of a friend always saw it or something. I don't know. If you're listening and you ever did Soggy Biscuit, please keep that to yourself. Ooh. Classic pull back and reveal. Well, that's the problem with Soggy Biscuit, isn't it? Yeah. That's a classic pull back and reveal. Well, that's the promise on your biscuit, isn't it? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:29:26 That's a classic pull back and congeal. I tell you what was real though. What? That film Animal Farm. Which one? The one based on the novel or the one that I think you're actually getting at. Were a woman fucks a horse. Yeah, that's the one.

Starting point is 01:29:38 No, that is horribly, sadly, depressingly real. We don't need to go into that. Let's just watch. That's a film. Yes it is. Factually speaking it can be described as film. Yes. However art, no. Now I did see this before and I really, really find it disagreeable in the in the pukey hole. So we've got Tom from Channel 84 surrounded on a table by a pig and a pigeon. And they spunk on a biscuit.

Starting point is 01:30:03 And then they spunk onto a biscuit that's on a plate. There's another jar, a jar of it, a jar of Ark of Sticky Love and this is Tom going through the er... Stages of grief. The grief. So we've got denial, that's what he's doing there. In this situation would you just... What's he feeling grief at? Having to eat the spunky biscuit? Yeah, I believe so. Now, it does need to be stressed that not real spunk was used on that biscuit. I don't think you need to stress that. But if you want an origin story for globlins, this could be it.

Starting point is 01:30:29 A man wanks on a digestive biscuit and it births globlins. Globlins come out. Because of the yeast. They're like little, little, what's that little man who you touch his belly goes, ho ho ho ho, Pillsbury Doughboy. That one. He's the Pillsbury. The Pillsbury Doughboy.

Starting point is 01:30:44 You remember he was a brand. That one. Pillsbury. The Pillsbury Doughboy. Remember he was a brand like Mr. Paul. The man with the hat from the flower. What's his name? Home Pride. Mr. Home Pride man. He's like the American Home Pride man, isn't it? Except ours is crumbly.

Starting point is 01:30:57 Here we go, the Pissbury Flowboy. Nice, good. Oh, he's eating the dirty biscuit. It crumbles. I hate this. It's the only little sticky crumbs. It's the way he comes, falls out of his mouth as well. I don't want to watch that. Oh, I don't like that.

Starting point is 01:31:18 I don't like it, honestly, I don't like it at all. I'm squeamish. Yeah. And that type of thing. That kind of thing is what sets mouth thing. It's mouth. Walk on. Oh mate. It's bad. Really? If we do this again next year, none of that shit. You can't have that. We can't do that. No mouth nasties. No mouth nasties. Put a pin in that would ya?

Starting point is 01:31:40 Oh right. I think we're on. It really happened to you. Yeah I really did it. It's strange because I've seen that a few times but i still got this like i guess because i can't picture it come on mate back to the episode so uh apologies from all of us here at the trashcan film festival awards 2004 sponsored at the Trashcan Film Festival Awards 2004, sponsored by Graxton Industries. Tom, we have to play the slide for Graxton Industries. Thank you. Supplies of financial support tonight and supplying the samples for Eli Silverman, which you will get after the show.

Starting point is 01:32:20 I don't know how many times you'll have to say this to you. We are one hour, fifteen minutes into this. You're a fucking traitor, you know that? No, you're a traitor. No, you... You're putting your drug addiction before the show. It's not an addiction. It is, because otherwise you wouldn't be acting like this, would you, shitface? If I was addicted, I'd be... I'd have to find it some...

Starting point is 01:32:35 Yeah? Yeah? Finish that sentence, crackhead. I have to... It's not crack. It's crack... You act like it's crack. Do you know what cracks? My ballsack went... Yes! When you hit it with a toy... And I'm not wiping them again! I hate touching your seeping sack! Crack? It's cr- you act like it's crack. Do you know what cracks? My ball sack. Yes! And I'm not wiping them again! I hate touching your seeping sack!

Starting point is 01:32:49 When you hit it with a toffee hammer. I stop saying toffee- just stop saying toffee hammer. What? What? At least say like, slice with a Stanley knife or something. No, come on. No, I want you to crack it with a toffee hammer. How about I just put your nuts on a table and I go like that. Will that create a dust of fluff? No, I want you to crack it with a toffee hammer. How about I just put your nuts on a table and I go like that. Will that create a dust of fluff?

Starting point is 01:33:08 No, I want you to be... I am not talking, you know what? I'd like to... Here's a little acting exercise for you, yeah? You are McCracken, the toffee hammer man. And I'm a big bollock. Now what do I do? You just give me a...

Starting point is 01:33:20 Oh, fuck you! I'll fucking have you. Just, we're acting! Yeah, and I'm acting to hit you. What am I doing? I don't want to do this! I want to get the last film on! Just do the thing! Ah, I've got a hammer of the toffee persuasion. Ooh, hot lava! Hot lava jarver! Ooh!

Starting point is 01:33:39 Hot lava jarver! Seepage with the toffee hammer stain! Well, to introduce the last film today, why not bring along the star and director of that film to give you his own personal introduction. Ladies and gentlemen, please, Ethan Lawrence for the final film. Woo!

Starting point is 01:33:54 Thank you very much. Thank you. So Ethan, we've been building to this in many respects tonight. When I saw the film when it first came in, my feeling was, this is something special. This is something really refreshing and fun I won't introduce it for you. I'll let you do that But just beforehand is there anything you'd like to say to the audience because they get to vote obviously

Starting point is 01:34:16 Later on a fact just in a few moments Anything do you want to say to them to maybe persuade them maybe encourage them to think of your film? Look, I mean, I don't want to tell people how to vote. You have to vote with your hearts. You have to vote with your heads. But I mean, I think the piece speaks for itself. Yes. And we all know how this is going to go, I think. So enjoy the film. Really enjoy the film. It was a labor of love. Uh, do I introduce it now? Just to be just go straight into it. You know what? Just go straight for it. Ladies and gentlemen, Ethan Lawrence introducing his final, the final film,

Starting point is 01:34:43 the festival tonight. So, uh, yes, this film is, uh, well the final film of the festival tonight. So yes, this film is by me. Thanks for that Paul. That's really good to go over. That's a fucking intro. I've got the shits. Yeah, right. So this film is by me, Ethan Lawrence. It is called

Starting point is 01:34:56 All those hot farts. Un film du atroie. Thank you very much. And finally, the last film in the film festivals by Ethan Lawrence. much. And finally, the last film in the film festivals by Ethan Lawrence is called Um Film Du Actoir. And it is a moving portrayal of the actors conundrum. And you saw it and nicked from it because they've surprisingly similar. This is the narrative guys.

Starting point is 01:35:20 Oh, sorry. It's the narrative now that you're out of the game in it. But you lost. I am. Yeah. What are you in or out? Come on, Eli. Are you the narrative now that you're out of the game, isn't it? Like you're lost. I am. Yeah. What, are you in or out? Come on, Eli. Are you in or out of this episode? I'm in. Yeah. Well, then come along and play. All right. Yeah. You ripped it off, didn't you?

Starting point is 01:35:33 I did. He's committed. I saw it. God bless that man. I thought, what am I going to do for this film, you know? Just rip off this. Because I've got no ideas. Rip it off and do it better.

Starting point is 01:35:43 Yeah. He's younger. Yeah. Much more successful. Way more successful and sexier probably. Who knows who would get it up quicker? Probably Ethan. Ethan. Yeah, he's got all that young youth and spunking glob, little glibbler glob. Cut it. Cut that bit. Cut that bit. Cut that bit Paul. You were talking wank nons. Wank nons. No you know what that was Paul as well. Right let's move on to Ethan's film. Ethan's film. And Oon Film do actor. You see I can see the real pain here look at those eyes that's real

Starting point is 01:36:20 pain in it. Shut up. And I wonder if he's using these sheets that are hanging up in his garden as a kind of a... It's quite balletic his movements here. But also are they used as a kind of gateway? Is it some kind of barrier? They represent a veil between dimensions. Between the actor and the actor or? Between the actor and the audience you mean? Yeah. Oh and he's spotted something there. And you see he passes through. He passes through the membrane. And now he's drinking a cup of tea and he looks again sad. Did he not make a strong tea or is it too sweet? I think that's a tea that's a bit too milky. Oh no. There was no tea in it. There was no tea in it. See that's the gift of acting isn't it? Bananas. They look like real bananas as well in his hands. No they could be CG. He could do incredible things with Blender these days I've heard. He

Starting point is 01:37:03 looks happy. He's got a sad happy look. He's looking, oh no he's shocked. Oh no, he's gonna cry. Oh no, don't cry now. Oh the lips quivering. Don't cry for me Ethan, Tina. The lips quivering. Don't cry for me Ethan Lawrence. The truth is. Oh and isn't it the face is getting screwed up. See I think he overplays this bit to be honest, I think this bit's a bit too much. You've got so many opinions don't you? You've got lots of them. What's this meant to mean? It's a plague mask and a fish. Fish what does that mean and the trill be hat? Well it could be open to a lot of interpretations maybe the plague doctor had to go to the seaside. Yes to get an ice cream and ride the donkeys. He wanted to fish and chips but then he took pity on the fish.

Starting point is 01:37:41 Was the fish better off dead then and battered? It was covered in bat by the edge. Yeah, he was. He was covered in Ethan's batter. One way or another, the fish got battered, Paul. Beware the plague doctor's batter. Oh, is that it? That's it. I don't think he even says Finn.

Starting point is 01:37:55 Oh yeah, we lost the end of it. We lost the end of it. That's a shame. Yeah, that's right. Remember, we lost only like three seconds where it says Finn. I honestly think it's just the thing. And you told him to put that in, didn't you? I did, yeah. And you told it to put me in me. No, I mean, you ripped it off. Yeah I honestly think it's just the same. You told him to put that in didn't you? I did, yeah. And you told it to put me in me.

Starting point is 01:38:06 No, I mean you ripped it off. You ripped it off. Anyway, and then we came back because we had the system crash again and the camera does this weird scan of the area, which I didn't like. Oh, it goes Robocam. Because it rotates and it rotates and it's like, calibrate or something. Recalibrate itself, recenter. Yeah, but I didn't like it because it felt like I was being judged. Like someone was remotely.

Starting point is 01:38:24 That's like the film Slither, innit? I've never seen that. Is that the one with Sharon Stone? Yeah, it's just about a man who wanks over the people who live in his house. I like this. This should be something we can bitch. Anyway, back to the festival because I think we're going to come to the interval now. We'll be back in a little bit for that. A bylaw flyby. What's going on?

Starting point is 01:38:44 So you're telling me that you didn't see... You bring shit equipment, it's not my fucking fault. It's not to do with me! This was supposed to be the world premiere and you fucked the tech! It's not my fault, it's not that I fucked the tech. It's just simple downs of that, there's a problem isn't there? I don't know. I mean I'm obviously not going to win now because you cut the ending off. No I didn't cut the ending off, I didn't saw the ending.

Starting point is 01:39:04 You're telling me you didn't show him my film. No, everyone's, I didn't see, no no one's, I'm obviously not gonna win now because you cut the ending off. No, I didn't cut the ending off. You told me you didn't show him my film. No, everyone's, I didn't see, no, no one's, I didn't show him. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, worry about it. Alright, calm down. Wait, what's this? What's this? A sarcasm now? You obviously nicked the idea. I made mine before yours! Because you showed it to him. And you've done it to fucking fuck me up. I made mine before yours! Show him the email! Show him the email! You know what? I will.

Starting point is 01:39:34 Because, mate, you sent that video to me on Monday. He sent his like three weeks ago. On Weet Transfer. Get the Weet Transfer link up. There we go. Yeah. You know, plagiarism is... Yeah, plagiarism is bad, Eli. It's very bad.

Starting point is 01:39:47 See, there you go. Eli. What's that date say? Say May? It's gonna be May. It's gonna be May. Hey, eat that. So I would argue on the basis of that,

Starting point is 01:40:01 if anyone did any plagiarism, it was gonna be you, right? It's gonna be you. It wasn't me. plagiarism, it was going to be you, right? It's going to be you. It wasn't me. Yeah? Well, it looks like you knocked one off. Well, we'll see when the audience award is the only thing that goes. Yeah, we will see.

Starting point is 01:40:14 Yeah, we will see. Yeah, we will see. To be fair, I think Ash Fret's going to win that. He might do, actually. It's pretty strong showing from him. But either way, your film, sorry, we got distracted. Your film has a very good chance of walking away with one of these. A Gruntner.

Starting point is 01:40:27 No, it's not. A Gruntner. It's not the Gruntner. Don't change it. It's the Chodney. Let's call it a Toffee Hammer. Let's call it a Spunk Smasher. An hour and 22 minutes ago.

Starting point is 01:40:36 It's a dried spunk rind smasher. Chodney. I call it what I like and what I see is a spunk hammer. It's not a spunk hammer. Sorry, I can't. You're gonna need to just go. I can't do it! I can't, I need you to give me the fucking samples now. I'm not gonna give you the samples unless you sod off over there.

Starting point is 01:40:57 Alright, go on. You set me up to fucking look like a cunt. Mate, the best- You set me up to look like a fucking cunt. You fucking got him to copy my fucking film I did my first Eli I've literally got the receipts of when he sent it to me receipts and by the way this monday by the way when you were drinking from that mug in that I knew it was empty before you the reveal oh wow I knew it was empty yo you

Starting point is 01:41:22 what you gotta do one where you walk around the tree? Those are real bananas, are we? They're obviously fake bananas. They were real bananas. I bought them from a grocer. Also, you were holding an empty cup in that walking around the tree dub. Bullshit. That was portrayed as empty. I was portraying an empty cup. But it looked full. It looked full.

Starting point is 01:41:40 Yeah, it looked full. Yeah. You were carrying it as if it was full. It's part of the metaphor of the film. The emptiness, becoming. Yeah. There, it looked full. You were carrying it as if it was full. It's part of the metaphor of the film, the emptiness, becoming. There's actually fucking things going on. There's nothing going on in your head or in your work. Your creative output is asinine. Oh, is it another word, Paul's Learn?

Starting point is 01:41:58 Yes, it is. Or fucking YouTube? It's not a YouTube word. It's a fucking way YouTube word that. You know green's a very bad colour on you. Green? Yeah, of envy. Envy. That little yellow green dot on you.

Starting point is 01:42:11 Yeah, I know, and the mic as well, the little mic. The little bitty green heart. Bitter green gritch. It was too nicked from him, because you saw his video on the bus. You stole Christmas. Mate, I remember when I saw you looking at my computer two weeks ago when you were recording the episode, and you were looking for the film, weeks ago when you were recording the episode and you're looking for the film.

Starting point is 01:42:25 So you must have seen it. You handed yours in on Monday. And it ran over two minutes. So I shouldn't even have it as part of this conversation. We'll see, we'll see. We'll see, cause the judges will know. It's just like, mate. Who's judging this?

Starting point is 01:42:37 Do you want me to be honest with you? Your attitude's ruining this night. My attitude? Your attitude, your obsession with this fucking sample shit is ruining, if you're winning the night Nate if you just give me it then we can get through the fucking rest of this and go home. How about this? No, go away. We're gonna go to the interval now anyway All right You can have a little breather and calm your fucking shit down and get your act together because all of this is bad vibe in me

Starting point is 01:43:02 I need a break. I need a break We're both kind of stout we could be together because all of this is bad vibe in me. I need a break. I need a break. Yeah, Tom wants a break. He's obviously fucked up. Look, we're both kind of stout. We could be... It's a bit rude, innit? We could be... What? Two stout men? No, two bollocks.

Starting point is 01:43:12 Two bollocks in a thrush riddled... A thrush riddled crust. And what does that make me? There's Toffee Hammer Man. Toffee Stout... Yeah, it does. Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, all right. I'm sorry.

Starting point is 01:43:25 I'm sorry. All right. I'm sorry. You should be. I'm just a bit tired. No, it's all right. You've been obsessed with these drugs and you turned one of our guests into a right-hand testicle.

Starting point is 01:43:34 I just hope that everyone enjoyed the films tonight. I mean, I think, you know, I think we can all agree that no matter what happens later, cinema won. Thank you. No, that's perfect. No matter who wins or loses tonight, remember, the art is what matters. The art is what matters.

Starting point is 01:43:47 The creative act of creation. Go on, misuse the mise-en-scene phrase again. Mise-en-scene is perfectly fine. Mise-en-scene is everything inside the camera, lens, everything you see. So you know what diegetic means? Yes. No, you fucking don't.

Starting point is 01:44:00 I study film. A non-diegetic music is like the score. Incidental music, sound effects, et effects etc that come from an outside source Okay, what's a pan the camera does this and a track I'm sorry It's not that's exactly what it is. You know fucking what's a dolly a dolly? Hello! I'm trying to punch you that one. I don't know why. You seem pretty easy. Oh, I'm let off!

Starting point is 01:44:28 Are you from the Farf? Sorry! No, it's Par for the fucking Corpse. Oh mate. That was more than a fart. Yeah, that felt like there was something peeking out. It was known as a hot brown kiss of Lebanon. Yeah, I'm sure.

Starting point is 01:44:41 I'm sure it was the winking brown troll of the doom. Oh, toughie, Emma. Right, okay, so thank you, Ethan. Thank you. Yeah, I'm sure. I'm sure the winking brown troll of the doom. Oh, toughie Emma. Right. OK, so thank you, Ethan. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. So we're going to go to a brief interval now. So what's going to happen is I put a short film together. In this short film, I'm going to show you my process of why I am the head judge.

Starting point is 01:45:02 I'll give you a taste of some of my movie kind of insights, what kind of inspires me, what I think makes good art. There's gonna be a bit of that, and then we've got two. One with, well, okay, so there's 10 judges, but eight of them, seven of them didn't really get back to me. So we had three get back to us, and you're gonna see them now. So they're judges, three of the ten.

Starting point is 01:45:26 And then what else? And then, yeah, as a little bit of a bruise, I think I say this in the video, I'm just repeating myself at this point, but then me and Eli in the most movie places as possible. Why? It was Hollywood, California last year. So I'm going to leave you for 20 minutes while the judges call me up on my phone and give me their final results which I will jot down in my book and then we'll find out who was best director, best actor, all that kind of stuff. So we've got 20 minutes now for the judges to bring their votes together. I'm going to correlate them, tally them up and we'll start giving out awards after this. So let's take a quick, well let's take a 20 minute break starting from now.

Starting point is 01:46:04 Hello. a quick, well let's take a 20 minute break starting from now. Hello, my name is Paul Gannon and as you've seen today I am the host and I am the head judge of the Trashcan Film Festival 2024 as sponsored by Graxton Industries, possibly the best chemicals graxton industries possibly the best chemicals for the money um now a lot of people say poor why you as head judge for the trash cam film festival 2024 are sponsored by graxton film industries well it's because i'm a film expert i went to film studio i didn't go to film school i studied theater film and television at aberystwyth university where i got a 2-1 film school. I studied theatre film and television at Aberystwyth University where I got a 2.1 and as a result that gives me more than enough leverage to choose a good film when I see one. And here's my Blu-ray collection of all the best films. Now just a little look at this will show you without any doubt why I'm best at this job. So first of all, oh look

Starting point is 01:47:01 at this, of course Paul's got Ghostbusters. He's got all of them. Come here you bastards. He's got... He's got the erm... That's World's End, don't care about that. The Jim Sherlock Holmes. So good. Steelbook, which means I care about film.

Starting point is 01:47:20 Erm... He's got the Ghostbusters one, Steelbook. Excellent film. Ghostbusters 1 steelbook, excellent film. Ghostbusters 2, the superior sequel. Ghostbusters 3 with girls in. Who would have thought today in this day and age? And then finally, probably the best one, Ghostbusters Afterlife, touching a story of overcoming being a kid and catching ghosts, you know.

Starting point is 01:47:48 Just a pinnacle of the franchise, to date if you ask me. Knopp's steelbook though wasn't available and you get this shitty slip face which I'm against. What else have I got? I've got, here another one, horror classic carry on screaming, eh? Frying tonight, you know it. Unless you're under the age of like 20 or 30, you probably don't really know what a carry on film is. What else?

Starting point is 01:48:14 Well, to prove I'm a man, I have Raid films. I've got Raid and Raid 2, films for men, and therefore the best films in Hollywood. And look, just to prove it, I've got ultimate man movies, the Die Hards quadrilogy. I do not see the fifth as a legitimate Die Hard film. Personally speaking, it ends after the one with Samuel L. Jackson, Jeremy Irons, the third one,

Starting point is 01:48:41 Die Hard with Vengeance. What else have I got? Oh, I've got all the Star Trek's. Because as we all know, Star Trek is the thinking man's pop culture sci-fi show. Your Star Trek's, you know, your Star Trek's great. I love them. Star Wars, more for your boys who won't grow up really,

Starting point is 01:48:58 isn't it? All space wizards and mumbo jumbo. Oh, look at the pretty spaceship's mother. Buy me one mother, Buy me two. Star Trek though you've got to think. It's about being equal and stuff. What else have I got? Oh wow look at this. Now what kind of film critic doesn't own a piece of cult memorabilia and I've got one of the best here. The Garbage pail kids movie on blu-ray in a ladybird book type style comes a blu-ray documentary and it's a fascinating snapshot of Anthony and Uly's dying career in the 80s you know

Starting point is 01:49:36 but wowsers hey who would get this but a film expert someone who loves them some new nose film somebody cares about it Who would get this but a film expert? Someone who loves them. Someone who knows film. Someone who cares about it. Hudson Hawk, possibly Bruce Willis' masterpiece. I could be swinging on a star. Bunny Bobo. You know this. You've seen it. You know it. You know these are all stone cold classics. What else have I got? All the screams. All the evil deads you know vamp strippers and vampires you can't go wrong with that killer clowns from outer space clowns from space you can't go wrong with that you got all sorts Elvira tremors Howard the duck personal favorite one of my top five maybe.

Starting point is 01:50:25 Basically in a nutshell as you can see I am a film expert and I know more about films than you probably watching this. It probably has a cursory understanding of what's a Marvel movie these days. Now look I've got a history, history of movies. Look Indiana Jones 4, 5 or 5 5 the best one Anyway, it's not just me doing the votes for this today right now as you're watching this the eight short films You've seen today are being sent to our judges where they'll be looked at watching watching them, voted upon for best director, best editor, best film, best screenplay, all those kind of things.

Starting point is 01:51:09 And they're going to these judges. So I'm gonna cut away now, I'm gonna introduce you to the judges. Some of them didn't get back to me and send me videos. Some of them thought it was a bit crass to do so. So two out of the 12 judges got back to me, three of the judges got back to me. And here they are right now.

Starting point is 01:51:26 I'm going to take you to them and join me right after. I don't know. Oh yeah, I've got something else for you after the judges. So here we go. Here are the judges. Hi there. My name is Alexis Strum and I'm an international person and a singer-songwriter and I'm very happy to be a judge for the 2024 Trashcan Film Festival. Just taking off

Starting point is 01:51:52 the glasses there to make me seem a bit more approachable to you. I'm an excellent judge because I watched Mean Girls in the cinema this year and I thought it was really funny and cute so I know that my opinion's going to be better than yours. Anyways I really hope you enjoy the fest and sorry can someone get me a diet coke with a straw? Thanks. Ta-ra. Hi I'm Ben Baker from the very available Alvesplaining podcast and I am John Matthews from the self-serve podcast Alvesplaining.. And I am John Matthews from the self-cern podcast Alvesplaining. How exciting and as well as doing Alvesplaining you may recognise us from our big film role as corpses in the film 2005's Zombie Penis

Starting point is 01:52:38 Munches. I think I was the eviscerated one on the left. And I think I was in a freezer. Yeah I think you were. And I'm too messent to be a judge on the 2024 Trash Can Film Festival. I'm less excited but I still am very excited also to be a judge on the 2024 Trash Can Film Festival. What's your favourite film John? My favourite film is that one where the train came out of the screen and frightened all the audience in 1882. It is a good one. I mean mine's probably a bit of a cliché, everyone will say it, but Alien Autopsy with

Starting point is 01:53:19 Ant and Dec obviously. Or Lars Venturias' Dancer in the Dark because, you know, I just love to laugh. Don't get them confused. No. What I love most about the films is probably the adverts for heated sausages in buns that appear before the main presentations. In fact, I mostly just leave after that. My favourite bits about any film are the bits where the train comes out of the screen and frightens all the people in the audience. Oh that's this, shiver through my what's-name-just-thinking-about-that. So do some kind of sign off and make sure it's a MOVO M4A

Starting point is 01:53:58 file please. I don't think I was going to read that bit out. I don't think I was going to. Can we do that again? Wow. What great judges they were. Well, the ones who got back to me anyway. So thank you judges for giving your expertise tonight on these awards. Now, as I say, we're still watching, still judging, still criticising and still handing out those awards as you watch this so to give them a bit more time to mull over their decisions And myself of course to put the final little dot on the end of that We thought we'd show you something special because Eli and I last year 2023 went to LA the home of movies Los Angeles Hollywood, California where we looked around movie Tinseltown and did

Starting point is 01:54:48 a little report. Now, if you want to watch the whole thing, you've got to be a patron. Them's the breaks, right? But here's a little snapshot, a little taste of our time in LA. And hey, you may even recognise one of the billboards that we discover on our route, eh? See you after this. Clear that up. We should clear it up. Eli's right, I should clear it up. It's Alfsploitation, not Alfs... No, it's Alfsplaining, not Alfsploitation. Although if they want a spin-off podcast, I've just given them a free name. We should do Alfsploitation.

Starting point is 01:55:19 Yeah. Where we talk about... Things we'd like Alf to be in. Yeah. Yeah, like a snuff film. Like a gangster movie. Yeah, or like a black exploitation movie. Or one of those Corman schlock horror sci-fi things. Yeah. Why not? Alfsploitation. Alfsploitation. It's our new podcast where every week me and Eli put Alf in a series of films he is not suited for, like the Hannibal Holocaust. Not Hannibal Colourhorse.

Starting point is 01:55:46 Hannibal Holocaust, which is about the A-Team being killed. What about Hannah Barbera Holocaust? That'd be terrible. Imagine that. Just conceptually. All like, frinstones and stuff. All dead. Anyway, let's move on. Snagglepuffs list. Let's move on. You said snagglepuffs snagglepuffs snagglepuffs list let's move on right you said snagglepuff then i know it wasn't it's because i couldn't say snagglepuffs properly it came out didn't it so you we've just

Starting point is 01:56:12 come back from me and my movie tastes which were very amusing yeah very amusing but i do like those movies i know they're not great but it's nice to have them fuck me lou we're not talking about film we've talked about lose half an hour, and step up its pace a bit. Step it up. Step it up. Anyway, we're not talking about Indiana Jones. We're talking about this interval where what you're about to see, listen to,

Starting point is 01:56:34 is some footage we took when we were in LA and we went around Hollywood. I loved it. I did as well. I loved being in LA because it's iconic. Yeah, and we were very fortunate to be able to see. I mean, it's dirty and weird and like, you know, but it's- Some of it's depressing

Starting point is 01:56:47 and some of it's fascinating and some of it's magical. I find cities interesting. What struck me was that you didn't understand the broad sweep of LA until you got there that time. Just how far it stretches out. No, because when I spent a month there in the 90s, I was just up in Santa Monica, basically. So you only saw the beach

Starting point is 01:57:03 and maybe like third street and stuff. Yeah, I mean, we got skateboards and we just went around the streets of Santa Monica and went down the beach. But Santa Monica, a bit rough down there and incredibly threadbare charity shop that everything was broken in there and it was really pricey as well. My one regret was we didn't go to more charity shops like in downtown and stuff. We kind of weirdly ran out of time. No we did. I want to go back and have a proper and I know we can't justify it. Sorry we were very fortunate that Brian opened his doors to us and allowed us to stay with him. So thank you again Brian for that. Thank you Brian. And also you know Tim Heidecker. Disneyland as well. Yeah we went to Disneyland. And we beat a lot of queues by going really early.

Starting point is 01:57:44 Yeah so that's what I was going to say. And we beat a lot of queues. We're going really early. Yeah. So that's what I was going to say. So this little clip that you're about to hear originally came from a Patreon video where Eli and I went to LA. We went to Santa Monica, went to the pier. We a little bit of Third Street. This clip you're about to hear is Hollywood and then the Winky Billboard. Hollywood had some funk to it.

Starting point is 01:58:00 Yeah. It's pretty grotty. It's surprisingly grotty. People in their heads still think Hollywood glitz and glamour is like no. But it's very urban. I mean, yeah, it's kind of like Leicester Square in many respects. There's no place on earth worse than Leicester Square. I hate it. It's my really. Yeah, I hate Leicester Square. Even with all been taught it up and it looks awful now that no weird bendy fence thing. Shit.

Starting point is 01:58:25 Anyway. I hate Leicester Square. Alright. I will always try and avoid walking through it. Alright, but I still found like Hollywood, certainly that kind of quarter mile stretch. It's similar, yes, to the West End in certain ways. Where it's overpriced tourist shit. Everyone is in everyone's space.

Starting point is 01:58:41 It's kind of full on. It's always felt like a second home to me, that place. So going back last year was nice. And then we saw the Winky Billboard. Oh, that was great. And that was up, we walked all the way up. Sunset. Sunset. Yeah. It goes from miles and miles.

Starting point is 01:58:53 It does. Until we got to, what's that? Well, that's a Sunset Strip is on Sunset Boulevard. So we walked to the Strip from Hollywood, basically. Yes, and it was a long walk, but it was fascinating. I loved it. We got to go to a supermarket, didn't we remember that? We did. We walked around and we bought soft drinks, that's exciting.

Starting point is 01:59:11 We went to IHOP didn't we because you wanted to have the pancakes. That bacon in IHOP was really bad. It had been cooked in rancid oil basically. It had a fishiness to it. Bacon, tell you something Paul, you don't want fishy bacon. No one wants fishy bacon. No one wants to be like on a first date and then it's like fishy bacon. Poor love. Fishy bacon. I don't know why I do that. Anyway, I know why. Fear of vag. Don't have a fear of vag. Eli Silverman and the wrath of Vagg. Right so you can enjoy this bit now, this is the interval. As I say things are starting to heat up, the

Starting point is 01:59:50 judges are going to come back with their votes and so we'll see you right after the episode actually now. We don't need to come back to you now until after the episode where we'll explain what happened in the aftermath. Okay. To Los Angeles! Angeles. Oh, that's quite a wind for the first time. That's not, oh. Anyway, hello. Just wait for the cross of the road and then we're gonna do a little bit of through the tourist trap that is that safe.

Starting point is 02:00:37 Did you record that? Yeah. There's nothing goes to waste in this show, mate. When did you start? Could you tell me when you started? I thought I did. Got sick. Got sick. There we go. So here we go. Again, no real content. Just a little lovely sejong through one of the biggest tourist traps in America.

Starting point is 02:01:08 Yeah, wow. It's crazy. It really is. Gold ship. Glitzy, glitz gold ship. There's the Dolby. I feel we had the Oscars, you know, we're on cinema. And Greg Turgenton would go there.

Starting point is 02:01:16 Oh, is that where he works? No, that's where we're at, we're still on cinema. And here's the list of winners. with Old Cinema and Greg Turgenton would go there. Oh is that where he worked? No, that's where he worked, he was doing the Old Cinema thing he would take. And here's the list of winners. You know what, if that's playing outside of a shop, I'm not going to want to go in. It's a tattoo place anyway. It's still a fucking...

Starting point is 02:01:45 It's the old Capitán. What's that? Is that famous as well? It's at the big Disney Theatre I think. I think so. I'm not sure. The smell of cannabis here is most constant. It's almost constant. I see that. We can cross if you want and get closer.

Starting point is 02:02:12 Yeah, this is the bit you want. This must be the Starrner style. This sort of fake rococo or whatever. Yeah. It's probably not that good big. So there's that cinema. See, he would go to the thing and say Lord of the Rings and the gollum. The hobbit would be on there and all this. the Rings and the gollum, the hobbit would

Starting point is 02:02:25 be on there and all those things. He goes for the movies? Yeah, it's proper cinema. But it's when you went to the movies, when you lived here, where did you go? Chinese man, I'm afraid. That was a special occasion, I saw South Green. Yeah, the vibe's great in there. But let's cross over actually while we can.

Starting point is 02:02:35 But I saw Star Wars Phantom Menace there and South Park in the middle of the city. And I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie,

Starting point is 02:02:43 I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the movie, I saw the But let's cross over actually while we can. But I saw Star Wars Phantom Menace there and South Park bigger longer run cut which was a better viewing experience because I've never seen that many people laugh that hard at a cinema show before. So that's stupid. How did he put his foot in there? I don't know. I don't know.

Starting point is 02:03:07 I've got one or two. I've got one or two. I've got one or two. I've got one or two. I've got one or two. I've got one or two. I've got one or two. I've got one or two.

Starting point is 02:03:15 I've got one or two. I've got one or two. I've got one or two. I've got one or two. I've got one or two. I've got one or two. I've got one or two. I've got one or two.

Starting point is 02:03:23 I've got one or two. I've got one or two. I've got one or two. I've got one or two. I've got one or two. I've got one or two. Oh, that's stupid. How did he put his foot print in that? The munchkins? Yeah, the beckers. Why do they keep it? Who pays for their own? I don't know. Just girl kind of thing. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Very good boys, sir. This is just starting. This is where you've got to be careful.

Starting point is 02:03:52 If you get a camera and you act like they're like, grab onto the street guards. Yeah, and then they charge you. Don't do it, don't do it. I don't think so, mate. Black's alright. Although maybe Mark Proski's around here, doing his Spider-Man. I don't think so. Oh really? I don't know.

Starting point is 02:04:06 I thought that was his real job. I actually was fully convinced that was a real thing he did, mate. But like literally this is it. We passed through the most touristy bit now. Now the rest of it is just kind of a bit hopeless and sad. But like literally this is it, we passed through the most touristy bit now. Now the rest of it is just kind of a bit focused on the site. That's a scary man. Everything we hate about London, the circus, it's like it's all this place.

Starting point is 02:04:35 I'm getting Leicester Square bro. But Leicester Square, there's room to breathe. Have you been to Leicester Square? Yes. I don't think it's not good, I'm just saying it's kind of like... Not as depressing as this. No, it is. Really? All right. We agree to differ. I totally avoid Leicester Square because it's all like this. Okay.

Starting point is 02:04:53 This is like an elongated Leicester Square going for miles. Yeah. So, like, this is where we are. Ooh la la. Okay, let's get in the Uber and get the hell out of here. Yeah. We're gonna not swear... Think of Graham's Chinese man's Chinese. Brief, that's get an Uber and get the hell out of here. Yeah, we've done enough for a tour of these shits. Think of Grahams Chinese, Mans Chinese. Brief, that's all you need to say.

Starting point is 02:05:09 It used to be called Grahams, I don't understand. It had different owners who had different names. Oh, now it's Mans. Yeah. But it's always known as the Chinese theater, whether it ends up keeping that name or not. It must be one of the most famous cinemas I've ever seen. It was funny, so years, when I was here last in 2019, I said to a partner,

Starting point is 02:05:27 I'll get you something with Marilyn Monroe on, or I'll get you something with Charlie Chapman. Went into every single one of these fucking things, it was all Funko Pops and Disney, and Star Wars and Marvel and DC. And I was like, do you know I'm going to cinema for about 100 years before all this? No one cares. No one cares. Because they're selling to people's knowledge of what Hollywood is now, right? No one cares. No one cares. Because they're selling to people with knowledge of what Hollywood is now, right? Joe Jones, or some of the... The animators.

Starting point is 02:05:55 Kevin Hart. So yeah, anyone can get one. You have to pay though, don't you? I don't know how that works. I think you have to pay. And I think Trump's one has been... Pulled off. Yeah.

Starting point is 02:06:06 Why would you have one? It's your present today. Well, he was an expert, wasn't he? He was a business man. Yeah, but he was also a business man. You probably pay the loan at the end of the day, it's fucking money, isn't it? So, yeah, there's that. But that's always fun. La Tajé. Yeah, there's that. But that's always fun. La Tajé. It's a bit quieter now, now that we're out here.

Starting point is 02:06:39 But like so up that way there, like all the way up there, follow the road round. That's where we just there. To the comedy stores up that way and a couple of places and things. But it's one road over and a long, it's probably another 20 minute walk. The sun will be going down. Yeah. But I'm just saying. Do it now that we're here. Could do.

Starting point is 02:06:58 Could do. Let me check the time. And if it's 20 minutes, let's do it. If it's longer than that, we're getting an Uber. Alright, well that was it. Here we are in Hollywood where stars and dreams come true. It's a bit grotty. It's just a little bit sobering. It's a little bit sobering. So yeah, more to come. Hey, we're going Disneyland and that's fake and nice. So you'll get lots of that because this is kind of a bit like a...

Starting point is 02:07:22 Anyway, there you go. Bye. Bye. Bye. Hello everyone. Guess where we are? Eli and I. It's the Wilkie Billboard isn't it? Not the Wilkie, it's been obviously this is a completely different one since then but this is the location. This is the spot, and we've confirmed this because the building over there, 8295 Sunset, is visible briefly in the French documentary game-chasing thing that we saw, that you saw in the episode 2354. No, it's not 2354, is it?

Starting point is 02:08:04 Well, no, it's not 2354 5 4 we haven't won 2000 imagine that no I don't want I am I am Eli 7 no no by then we just do AI and have like a I carry on with Your podcast long after we're dead. I just want to mention we know we identified that that's the right building by that distinctive Grids we know and then that hotel the background because they do an interview with Dr. Winky around about here and you can that hotel in the background because they do an interview with Dr. Winky around about here and you can see him in the background. So here it is. This is now a Netflix sign. What is that chump? Mate! I just thought. I thought you were going to have a go. No, no, no. Sorry mate. I didn't mean to be like that. No, here's the thing. What? If you open

Starting point is 02:08:44 a picture to Netflix, how perfect is it if that's a Netflix billboard? But wasn't it a few years ago when you came here? Was it still Netflix then? I mean, since 2019. So, hey, we could even... This could be a sign. I mean, it could be a sign. But it could be a sign that Netflix could take this. Netflix, if you're watching, get in touch. we'll do it for half the rate or whatever.

Starting point is 02:09:07 Eli will do it for half the rate. I'll do it for like 100 quid a day. That's what I work for. Is that what we call your Polybius? Yeah, that's my Polybius. That was a good push. Good push, good push. Glad to work.

Starting point is 02:09:21 Whoa! Yeah, my knee's flying. Oh, it's dangerous here. No jumping drains to ocean. What? That train goes straight to the ocean. Does that say no jumping? No, no dumping.

Starting point is 02:09:36 No dumping because it goes in the ocean. And there's a picture of a dolphin. There's a picture of a dolphin, yeah. So if you fell down that, you're not stopping until you got to the ocean? You'd probably go on a big slide. Oh, that's terrifying thoughts, isn't it? Look, in it look fancy going all the way down and tunnel all the way there. Yeah you wouldn't fit you'd die before then. If you do a walk and talk then. See if we can get that grate up and do a goonies all the way down to the fucking ocean. I don't know if it would be a goonies mate it'd be more like a. A goonies. A boonies.

Starting point is 02:10:02 Goonies is that one where they come out the loo. Yeah. Yeah, so it would be a goo-lees rather than a goonies. And look, there's a fras-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-fra-f I mean that's what you call the pony. That's what I call the bowling pad and everyone got insulted Yeah, no Jeff Olin really doesn't like me apparently. He doesn't really because you insulted him. He's a fucking old has-been twat Blimey, quore Well, what was great in LA? I wish it was back there Literally, I genuinely wish I was there rather than here Literally, I genuinely wish I was there rather than here.

Starting point is 02:10:47 Anyway, little bit of fun, but that's given us enough time now to tally up those results from the judges, sending an email to me, whiz, whiz, whiz. I'm gonna write it down and give my own thoughts as well. And I think it's time, finally, to go and give out some of those awards, best film, best actor, best director, all of those things we're gonna give out now. So let. Best film, best actor, best director, all of those things, we're gonna give them out now.

Starting point is 02:11:06 So let's head you right back to the live show. Let's take you back to the Trashcan Film Festival 2024, sponsored by Graxton Industries. Let's go. ["Trashcan Theme Song"] So there we go. The judges have spoken well I spoke to the judges on the phone they sent me their results. I've correlated them and we'll be going through them now to find out who is or who are the winners for tonight's trash can film festival Festival 2024, sponsored by Graxton Industries.

Starting point is 02:11:48 Don't say that. Don't say that. It fucking is, isn't it? Tom, also don't put private stuff on between me and him online. Don't say it in public. No, don't film us without telling us. Don't fucking do me over. I told you, your film wasn't eligible because it went over and frankly I just didn't think you made it.

Starting point is 02:12:12 And the judges thought there was enough doubt to take it from the public. Honestly, that's why we took it off. Wanker. Not a wanker. I'm not a wanker. You're a wanker. I have no other retort than just to say you are, in essence, the man of wank. Alright? Fuck off. Right, good. So it's now time to hand out the awards. Here we go. Someone could... I mean, obviously if they're not here today, we'll be posting them to them. First class with a post and they're around again that camera. The camera's good moving. What's it doing?

Starting point is 02:12:47 Weird. Weird. Look, sorry, we're having technical issues here. Please bear with us. The camera's still moving. Why is it still moving? What's it doing? Oh, it's back. What's it doing? Are you back?

Starting point is 02:13:01 But anyway, Cheap Show Award, the... What's this called again? What are you back? But anyway, Cheap Show Award, the, the, the, what's this called again? What are you doing? It's, we've got technical fucking problems. I want to get through these awards. We're already running late because of all of this shit. I don't care. I'm fucking sick of this. Stop it.

Starting point is 02:13:18 Graxton are watching this. Oh, that's a good advertisement. If I get a, yeah, and they'll give me a phone call and say don't give him the samples. Alright? That's what's going on. Can we just all focus? Get off! Get off! The Chodney is the award people are aiming for tonight. The Chodney Award. This will be going to the filmmakers who win in these categories tonight. If they're not here tonight, we'll be posting them to them first class via the art of post. That's what they'll be taking away with them tonight. So we've got all of these to

Starting point is 02:13:51 give away. Six trophies, six awards. I swear to fucking God. Have we tried this? Mate, I swear to God. Pickled onion tater. I swear to God. Did we try those? I will break your fingers if you do this. Do you want to win an award? I've got the results here. I don't give a shit, mate. My film hasn't been allowed to be fucking... Audience award. You might be up for one of these. I haven't seen the answers yet. I'll reveal them when I open my file.

Starting point is 02:14:17 The audience award? I wasn't included. No, I know. So how can I win that award? Well, it's fine. Don't worry about it. You're eligible for others. You've got five more. So I'm eligible for those, am Well, it's fine, don't worry about it. You're eligible for others, they've got five more. So I'm eligible for those, am I? All of them, yes.

Starting point is 02:14:28 Well then what you said about not being included in the audience was bullshit then, was it? I've got six awards to give out. I'm going to do that now. What? Did we try these? What flavour are they? What flavour are they? They are pickled onion tater. Yes we have. Alright. Classic. Can you please now stop? Can we just get on with the awards? We've

Starting point is 02:14:52 got a few of these to get to and I'm actually genuinely running out of fucking patience with you and in fact everyone here. What have I done? Bob, Ethan. Thank you. First award tonight is editing. Editing is an important part of the filmmaking process. It helps. It's a digital... Microsoft picture... What's it called? You don't even fucking know. He told you literally in the break what editing software you could have used.

Starting point is 02:15:19 Windows Movie Maker. You don't even make that anymore. It's not even a thing that Windows do anymore. That's what I used. Again, another reason why You don't even make that anymore. It's not even a thing that Windows do anymore. That's what I used. Again, another reason why I don't think. I used it. The Duchess probably already know this, mate, so you've already fucked yourself, so whatever. So editing is like a jigsaw puzzle.

Starting point is 02:15:35 The many pieces seem scattered, but yet together, when combined by someone with artistic skill and vision, can craft a film that reveals the whole picture. What, a picture of fucking Norwich or something? Yes, a picture of fucking Norwich. Or a cat playing poker or something. Any of them. Or like one of those big fat ladies, Beryl Bainbridge, was that her?

Starting point is 02:15:53 Beryl Bainbridge. Did you? Beryl Cook, that's it. Is that her? Beryl Bainbridge. I don't know, some painter. Oh, under the jigsaw? Yes.

Starting point is 02:16:02 Yes, it's like that. Oh, do you know there's that, um, that French cartoonist guy who did, um, like, it's the same stuff. You're wasting time. You're wasting time with your slap chatter. Slap chatter. Slappy chatter.

Starting point is 02:16:17 You're wasting my time. I'm gonna need you to shut up now. Just one thing. I wanna do this award. Maybe I haven't done one award yet. Come on. Here come the nutcracker. Murderer. Thank you. Thank you. All right. Fine. Editing. Jigsaw hold, Pizzle Piece. It's nice. Pizzle? Pizzle Piece. And this one. Let me just get

Starting point is 02:16:36 it open. And the award. I should go through the films again. These are the films that you saw tonight. A lovely day for my civic duties in London N19 Paul Putner. The Silver Man by Tom Mayhew. Questions by Richard Sandling. That's popular. Basement property update Stuart Ashen. Update Stuart Ashen. Boo by Ash Frith. An actor, untitled stroke an actor by Eli Silverman. No.

Starting point is 02:17:16 Good things come to those who wait. Channel 8, no, don't. No. And finally, an actor, do actor, do film, Du Actor by Ethan Lawrence, a masterpiece. Right, so the award for best editing goes to... Ethan Lawrence for Un Film, Du Actor. Oh, thank you so much. Thank you. And accustomed as I am to make to public speaking, I just wanted to say with regards to editing. It's a lot like It's a lot like a jigsaw puzzle.

Starting point is 02:17:48 Paul this is my moment, please Just do you know what I don't need to say anything the film spoke for itself. Thank you so much Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you so much Every time you interrupt me, this gets longer. That's what she said. Hashtag Eli was robbed. Hashtag shut your fucking mouth before I kick you in. Are you saying that the judges,

Starting point is 02:18:13 are you, they're corrupt or something? Is that it? No, the judges are the third baron. I was forced to do things. Take a bit what you will. Basically. No one forced you to make that film. No one forced you to make that film.

Starting point is 02:18:24 Here come the spunk smasher. Don't fucking bring the film into it. That was a good piece of fucking work. It was a piece of work. I'll give you that for that. You're a piece of work. Thank you so much for my editing award. I'm so proud of it and I'm proud of everything I achieved with this film. So thank you so much. I'll let you get on with it. Ethan Lawrence there. Best editing.

Starting point is 02:18:44 Next award goes to cinematography. I tell you what, would you like to do the introduction for that? Sure. Tell us about cinematography. Go on, there you go. There's your cue. Stand there.

Starting point is 02:18:54 Face the camera. Cinematographer man. Cinematography. Photography. Oh, here we fucking go. That's coming down. Context. Oh. Do you want to be a bit more

Starting point is 02:19:12 interesting here like? Are you going to let me do the intro or not? I don't know, has it started yet? All I feel is mostly silence. These are really nice. I don't know if you've... Don't you dare. Because I'll strip your body of skin. And then what? Wear your skin. And then will you?

Starting point is 02:19:31 You know what I'd like you to do, Paul? You know what I'd like you to do? I'd like to eat a lot of chilli food, chilli food, hot food, curries, that sort of thing, for weeks, weeks and weeks and weeks, in the morning spooning down chilli right and then you flamey flamey and then you can fucking jizz all over my freshly flayed backside and it'll burny ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha the back. Cinematography. Oh cinematography is like what the cameraman does but you know some guy bosses the cameraman about basically. Right good sit down. Also did you know on the continent

Starting point is 02:20:11 in the anglosphere so to speak the director gets top billing as the as the creator of the film but in the continent on the continent like in continent I in continent. Yeah. Ah, ah tenement. Oh Come on no Please all the continent. You're the Ronnie Corbett director and the cinematographer get equal billing Which I just think is interesting because Because what is cinema without the without the the photography? I mean, what is interesting because what is cinema without the photography? I mean, what is it, Paul? What is cinema? I don't know.

Starting point is 02:20:50 Shane Darrow would like to know what you've got in your hands. Yes, very good. No, stop it, Shane, you fucking prick. Christ. It's a drink. It is a lemon tea drink. Lemon tea drink. It's a drink. It's a lemon tea drink. Lemon tea drink.

Starting point is 02:21:10 Right. So cinematography. The award for this film goes to. Ethan Lawrence for Oon Film. The actor. Here's your next one. What is this? Thank you. What the judges have said. Who's judging this shit? You saw them in the clip. Who are the others?

Starting point is 02:21:26 It was 20 minutes and we watched it. Pew, pew, Barney McGroup, Cuff, Dibble and Grubb. And Paul as well. And Paul, me, making 10. And Dribble. Yeah, Dribble's my favourite. Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking. He's a knee-hugging kind of Dribble.

Starting point is 02:21:40 I would like to say that, what is cinema without the photography? You know, that's the question that we need to ask ourselves and I think in this case it was very much, it's a collaborative effort although in this case obviously I did work alone. So I'm more than happy to accept this award. What are you doing? Get down. I am so proud. What are you doing? Get down. I'm so proud of what I've achieved. No one wants the legal legal e-line. I want to do legal legal e-line, I'll let the rest of the awards go ahead. I mean, this is already more than enough. Ethan Lawrence, everyone. Ethan Lawrence. Thank you. Thank you. Ethan Lawrence, don't.

Starting point is 02:22:12 Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Now, best script. Ah, please don't. Go away. Ah, tort. Ah, contempt of court. Ah. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, oh, not oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Caw-caw. Script, all words are lovely. Sometimes films need words, sometimes they don't, but every script has words in them, except, well, no, they do, even the ones that are visual. Words are important, so the scripts today

Starting point is 02:23:01 is what we'll be doing. I don't, you fuck. Is that where you put it? No. Of course I haven't. It's not there. Put it down. Shut off script. Go, go, go, go, go.

Starting point is 02:23:13 Anyway, again, the Best Script Award goes to. I haven't said anything yet. Go on, sit down down you might be surprised not probably goes to Ethan Lawrence for own film do actor yet again. Honestly I cannot believe this. This is incredible. This is approaching a sweep. This is approaching a sweep.

Starting point is 02:23:43 I mean what can I say well I said a lot of things because I wrote the script obviously. And what can I say? Words are lovely. Words are important. You know, there is no cinema without scripts. And I'm so happy to have been recognized for my script work today. So thank you so much to the judges. I want to thank my agent. I want to thank my mum. You haven't got an agent. I fucking do thank my agent. I want to thank my mum. I fucking do have an agent. I dare you to do a speech. Really trying to do a speech. Can we just...

Starting point is 02:24:12 Momentum's gone. Thank you for the award. Thank you. Right, anyway. Now it's time for VLT. Don't! Please! I love that. Here's another choice. Shane wanted to see it. Alright. Shane saw it.

Starting point is 02:24:28 VLT. Lemon drink. The drink that likes to say yes. Go on. Hey! Now it's time for acting. Acting is an important part of the filmmaking process. Even in the most visual of medium, an actor can bring so much with saying almost nothing. And so today we're going to honour that beautiful art of acting with the next award Best Actor.

Starting point is 02:24:54 Again, we have a great cast of actors here. We had Paul Portner, Tom Mayhew, Richard Sandling, Stuart Ashen, Asphrith, Eli Silverman, Tom from Channel 84 and Ethan Lawrence. So let's find which of one of those put on the most dynamic. Which one? Which one? Put on the most wonderful performance today. The judges are in. And I can give it to Eli Silverman, everyone.

Starting point is 02:25:21 Yay! Thank you. Well done, Eli. Well done. Thanks, mate. You well deserved. No. No, sorry. Eli Silverman everyone! Thank you! Well done Eli, well done! No, no, sorry, I'm going to open the wrong one up. What do you mean? It's not you. Ethan. Ethan Lawrence!

Starting point is 02:25:36 Sorry, sorry, it wasn't Eli. Sorry Eli, I have a red file. This is like the Real Academy Awards, isn't it? Remember with Lala and all that. Don't you fucking dead Don't my award make don't do that. I'm sorry Listen mistake. I look the wrong file. You know I read your name out. It was wrong. What far was it? Why have you got my name on something else? It's an Excel spreadsheet thing in it, so I've got it on why am I in there?

Starting point is 02:26:00 It is it just you party award ceremony. Yes Yeah, it is. Well you're part of the award ceremony aren't you? Yes, it was just like, that was my award! This is my moment! This is my moment! Okay? Back off! Mate, it's pathetic this now.

Starting point is 02:26:10 Just because I made a little bit of a thing doesn't mean you should act, behave like this. Alright? This is really... Do you want the samples? This is really marring what should be an amazing moment. I'm sorry, do your speech, do your speech. No, no, deal with it. Eli wants to be the centre of attention. No, no, no.

Starting point is 02:26:25 No, I don't. No, you go, mate. You go. You go. See, sorry, sorry. Ethan, give your best back to speech. Thank you so much to the judges. It's a shame that this snafu has happened and again, we've got old green Eli over there. I'm not. I'm fine. I think you're a good actor. I just...

Starting point is 02:26:41 I just think I deserved it for that performance. Well, you know, then's the breaks kid. Sorry about that. Did you see what I did with that noodle? You see what I did with that cup? Yeah, I mean, yeah, yeah, we all saw that. Right. Thanks for the award. This is fucked. Sorry, mate. What do you want me to say? Well, just fucking be fair! I have been very fair. Ha ha ha! Ethan won all the awards. Ha ha ha!

Starting point is 02:27:10 No, I don't! That's what the judges have said. What judges? The judges who I sent the things out to. The films and stuff. Do you want them? Where the fuck is it, man? Is it over there? No. Do you want them? I really do.

Starting point is 02:27:23 If you take them, you're leaving. I'll give you them. I'll give you them. But if you get them, you can go. You can just leave the set. Okay. Don't look. I'll get them for you. Stop.

Starting point is 02:27:45 Who is it? Go away. I want people to see this on camera, by the way. Come here. All the fuss you've made tonight, all of this. Let's give this to that. Don't. Is that all of them? That's one sachet. That wasn't the agreement.

Starting point is 02:28:05 No, it doesn't matter. This is all they gave me to give you tonight. That's not gonna last. That's gonna last fucking... This is all Braxton gave me to give you tonight. That's gonna barely touch the sides, mate. Don't care. It's all you've got. You can either take it and fuck off or whatever. You sure? Yes.

Starting point is 02:28:16 You mean it? You're not my dad! Fucking... Yes, in this case, yes I am. Because you've ruined tonight. Your attitude's stunk. You've been nothing but hounding for this. Craving the monkey man badness, haven't you? Craving that monkey man. To get on your back and give you what you need.

Starting point is 02:28:33 You little dirty violet mess. Hey. You little dirty palmar violet mess. Sorry, I think, uh, Graxton needs you to do another sponsor shout out quick. Graxton Chemicals. Spons quick. Graxton Chemical, sponsored by Graxton Chemical. Right, don't, don't do it, don't at least do it on camera. Don't do it, don't do it here. Take it outside.

Starting point is 02:28:58 Right. Stop it. Is he gone? Is he gone? Sorry about that, but we can now get on with the rest of the awards. Erm... Okay, best director. Best director. Again, many great direction, many great films here tonight.

Starting point is 02:29:14 Directing is like being a captain of a ship. No! No! No! No! Keep going. Keep going. No! Ah! Ah! Stop it. Stop it. Yeah Calm down, calm down, calm down directing everyone likes a director Spielberg Scorsese Eli Roth everyone director you need to go you need to go you need to go and take that monkey with you as well that you brought in with you yeah that one christ anyway the best director goes to why of course it's Ethan Lawrence for his film who do film the actor here

Starting point is 02:30:06 you go is another one thank you so much I mean I'm proud of what I've done and I'm proud to have shared this all with the well, I mean, what can I say? Clean some... Don't! Really? Really? On camera as well? What? Yeah. Right, great. Tom, can you call the police? This is so fucked.

Starting point is 02:30:38 Just call the police please and tell them the address. Tom, do you want to have a go? This is supposed to be my big moment. Take it out! This is supposed to be my big moment. This is supposed to be. This is amazing. This is supposed to be my biggest moment. This is even better. We can't show this on YouTube.

Starting point is 02:30:54 We can't show people fucking drugs. Woohoo! Make it rain baby! Get off, get off, get off. I can't with this. I cannot with this, this is insane. I've got two more awards, I'm sorry. Just put some on your gum.

Starting point is 02:31:07 No, I'm not doing this. Everyone fucking calm down. We're probably gonna need to do another speech at some point. Ethan, just say thank you and go. Get thank you. Go, go, go, go, go, go. Just do gum freeze it if you've got a cold. Get out.

Starting point is 02:31:18 Get away from me, Eli. Get out of the studio. Get out, leave, leave the studio. Get out. I'm part of this thing, Paul! Get like a Jordan Peele film and get out. Hey? Movie related. Right. Okay, errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Well you should include it now! Your eyes have gone really wide, it's fucking weird, take it outside. It's fucking fine, I feel fine!

Starting point is 02:31:46 You don't feel fine, why are you sweating? Why are you sweating like that? It's not good. Take it outside. Tom, can you get out? Tom, what is the vote? Oh, it's a fucking draw, innit? Between what?

Starting point is 02:32:04 Between these two. Okay so the audience have voted and in last position questions by Richard Sandling. 1% of the vote. I thought that's quite good. 0.8% of the vote. The Silver Man by Tom Magu. 2.6% of the vote. Next, Paul Putners, a lovely day for my civic duties in London N19 with 3.5% of the vote. Get out the fridge. There's vodka in here. Get out. That's not ours. No, come on man. That's not ours. A fucking quick one. No, that's not ours. Come on mate. Mate. Mate. Mate, come on. Lo on loosen up fucking loosen up. Oh hit the bollock with the toffee hammer. No hit the bollock with the toffee hammer shit. Get out. Toffee can the seepage comes out and the toffee hammer is coming out. The winner. The winners. This is a fucking this is a fucking this is. You

Starting point is 02:33:04 could vote right now you could vote right now and change this. What do you mean? It's a draw, innit, with these two. I can't fucking vote. I'm not included. I'm not allowed to be included. Anyway, the winners of the audience public vote straw poll is... Joint winner, Stuart Ashen and Ash Frift, the Ashes, with their basement up-to-date priority andhen and Ash Frift the Ashes with their basement update, Priety and Boo by Ash Frift. So they'll be getting one of these in the post.

Starting point is 02:33:29 So we'll, they'll have to share this one. No, I'll get another one made. Anyway. See where was fucking Mr. Plagiarist's film on that list? Oh, I'm Mr. Plagiarist, am I? Nowhere near. That's what the truth is. You're nowhere near.

Starting point is 02:33:42 Wait, wait, wait. It looks like I've got five awards in my hand. One, two, three, he was third, he was fourth. Your film did better than his, Tom. Oh, amazing. Well, people like cum. Yeah, they do like cum, I like cum. I love gobbling it.

Starting point is 02:33:55 I love cum. I like bathing in it, lying on it, making it come out my willy. Do some of this. I'm not doing it. We're now going to go to the final award now. This is for best film. Mate, you either fuck off right now. I'll get the police. What? You'll get the police on what?

Starting point is 02:34:14 This is perfectly legal. This is a Braxton product. I don't care. It's perfectly legal. And may I say... It's not legal, actually. No, it's not legal. May I say, Braxton.

Starting point is 02:34:23 Fucking class. That's what I'm saying. Mint. Class. Mint. Yes. Well, no, it's not been tested. That's not legal. May I say, Braxton, fucking class, that's what I'm saying, mint, class, mint. Yes well no it's not legal, you shouldn't have it on camera. In fact you obviously don't understand the drugs laws. No I don't understand the drugs laws. Well then. But I do know you can't take it on YouTube. I know that drug law. Don't I dip shit? You fucking wobbly honker. Get the fuck off. Best film. Final award to end this night. Jesus Christ. You know what? You can actually absorb this through your skin so you can... I'm not having any of it. I don't like what it does to me. It's fine.

Starting point is 02:34:59 Kiss on there. No. I'm not going to dip my dick in samples. Am I? I think you should. On camera? You want me to just get my cocking balls out and dip it in your little bag? For what end? I'd love that. For what end? Comedy.

Starting point is 02:35:13 It's meant to be a film festival. It's not a film festival. You can't call any of that shit films. You see, just because you're going to win one. Well, Ethan's was good only because it completely took the thematic core of my film. You took the thematic core of my film! I don't like cores. Mate, I've just got an email from Graxton. Uh, they're not happy.

Starting point is 02:35:35 They should be because this is fucking amazing. No, they're not happy. This is the best. No, they're not happy. Like take a fucking, like, a beer buzz, you know what I mean? Like two beers, that feeling. Mate, we're going to have to pay for this. Just prolong that feeling, you know what I mean?

Starting point is 02:35:51 We're going to have to pay. Just that moment, just about. You and the Samples have to pay seven pounds for this. It's like being rich. They're a grand each. What? They're a grand each. Best? They're a grand each. Best film.

Starting point is 02:36:08 To end this evening on the high. Best film. Sometimes one film must rise to the top. And no matter what its component parts are, the whole is bigger than the various parts that make it up. So sometimes a film can be great even if it's got small parts but a big film is good if it's got big parts. However parts aren't important it's the film overall so this award is going to the overall

Starting point is 02:36:35 film winner and that I'm proud to say goes to Ethan Lawrence again he's a clean sweep. well not clean sweep him win the audience one did it but this is what matters like this is from my peers best film mate he fucking owns it you don't matter to him apparently that's not what he's saying Tom don't bend it this is unbelievable where's he going where you going? Will you fucking I'm fucking?

Starting point is 02:37:08 What what are you fucking? Got your samples. It's not enough. It's not enough. What's the problem here? You set this up. I didn't make me look like a cunt. No Well, yes, you did good yourself with your fucking drug addiction problem. It's not an addiction! It's a fucking experimental... It's great! I'm trying to do a speech, you're sticking away the camera! Who fucking cares, Ethan? Who fucking cares, mate? The people who nominated me for this award!

Starting point is 02:37:33 You ripped me off! The people who nominated me for this award, that's who cares, alright? No, it's not real, it's just him! You've been used, mate, just like me! He's using you, just the fucking... Don't say that! Did you... are you in on this? You stole the fucking- Don't say that! You stole the film!

Starting point is 02:37:48 You stole my film! I did not steal his fucking idea! Look, I think people want to see the film again. Play the film again! Play it again! I'm not gonna fucking let this stand, mate. I'm not gonna let this fucking stand! You've embarrassed yourself tonight and you've embarrassed everyone here. You are a state!

Starting point is 02:38:04 I'm not the one in the fucking drug addled state right now. I'm not drug addled, I'm fucking fine! I'm fucking fine! You're not fine. Get me to do some maths or something! You are really pissing me off now, you know that? Whatever man, fuck you. Ladies and gentlemen, the winning film tonight, I'm going to show it one more time,

Starting point is 02:38:18 a film by actor Ethan Lawrence. Thank you very much. What is an actor? Descartes said, I think we should keep going. This is the thing that you bought to this. You bought this here. You shit out. You... What the fuck man? I was like... You... You fucking... you what the fuck man I wish stop it stop it no get off Fuck you mate! Fuck you! Stop this, ladies and gentlemen!

Starting point is 02:39:06 Fuck you! Alright! Jesus Christ! You were just kicking me in the fucking head mate! You got the time! You were just kicking me in the head! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah We're going to be tanking this for us next year. I'll see you, please mate. Our last song tonight, where I always land in his top notch western romance. Come on mate, please! Please! Mate, he's gone.

Starting point is 02:39:36 Put him in a cab. Really? Yeah, you alright mate? No. What's wrong? You sick? I'm crashing, I feel sick. You being sick? No, there's nothing to come up. You being sick? I'm crashing, I feel sick. You've been sick?

Starting point is 02:39:45 No, there's nothing to come up. You've been sick? There's nothing to come up. Oh, oh, oh. Is he out there? No, he's gone in it. I put him in an Uber, he's fine. Oh, did you fucking kick me when I was on the ground?

Starting point is 02:39:58 Maybe once, but it was an accident. I tripped in your face. So don't worry, let's just get you home alright I'm sorry sorry about what happened tonight but you shouldn't have had those samples should you? No. You're a bad boy aren't you? I can't walk man. You want to lie down here? Yeah. Alright go and lie down. Can you just give me 10 minutes? Yeah I'll lie down I'll get another Uber in a bit alright? I'll wait till Ethan's home. Alright, no, go and be sick over there. Go and be sick in the bin.

Starting point is 02:40:29 Alright, okay. You can go on, lie down. Because you're going to be sick again. Mate. And that's it. That's how it ended with Eli embarrassing himself. Everyone treated me very badly. Well, just for the record, I protected you, I stepped in and I pushed everyone away. But mate, you can't just like step up to Ethan with that attitude. That drug makes you misbehave.

Starting point is 02:40:58 Naughty Eli. Well, it's all gone now. Yeah, it's gone. I flushed it all down the toilet. You flushed it? Yeah, I flushed the rest of it down the toilet. Oh, you shouldn't have done that. Well, yeah, no.

Starting point is 02:41:07 I am slightly worried what I've introduced into the fucking sewer ecosystem down there. That's the origin story of globlins. That's the globlins. That's the globlins story. I fired my load down, then poured all the samples down there. The sample powder down there. And then there's a whole scene playing out in the sewers.

Starting point is 02:41:24 Ugh. Glob, glob, glob. Like little chuds. Gunga, gunga, gunga. sample powder down there. And then there's a whole scene playing out in the sewers. Ugh. Blob, blob, blob. Like little chuds. Gag, gag, gag, gag. Yeah. I'm a little goblin. I'm made of spunk.

Starting point is 02:41:31 I'm little goblin. I'm made of spunk. And I come and smear myself on you. And oh, I pop in your ear. Ooh, blob, blob, blob, blob, blob. Anyway, so yeah, so we sent Ethan home in a taxi. That was expensive. He hasn't spoke to me since, he won't reply to my messages, and he's also blocked us on YouTube. Well, fuck him. Also, I want to mention this. That's what I forgot about.

Starting point is 02:41:55 Tom uploading that footage of me and you talking in the fucking garden. Because about the audience photo that you weren't added to. And we had that private conversation that he uploaded. Now he's apologized for that, but at the the same time I was very fucking cross in the moment about it. It was our secret conversation between me and you. It wasn't just you being a cunt to me isn't it? It wasn't. You were not eligible for the audience vote. Why? I decided not to. Oh a betrayer of me? Not even that! Because you don't like me? I do like you I just don't think I wanted you to have a bit of humble pie.

Starting point is 02:42:26 I had more than humble pie. I had knuckle sandwich. You had humble cake. A humble four course meal. Humble sausages, humble mash, humble peas, humble beef. That's like... Humble gravy. That's like...

Starting point is 02:42:40 What? A meal from a beano. Yeah. Humble hors d'oeuvres. Humble crumble. Humble crumble. Mmm. Meal from a beano. Humble or devs? Humble crumble. Humble crumble. Mmmmm. I love humble crumble.

Starting point is 02:42:51 Anyway. Humble mumble. You got a humble. Downstairs. Yeah, grumble. Grumble grumble. Grumble grumble. I fumbled with my little bits and the grumble.

Starting point is 02:43:00 I had a humble grumble on the mumble. I took a tumble. I had a humble mumble on the grumble. Anyway. a tumble. They had a humble mumble on their grumble. Anyway, anyway. A blabble, blabble, blabble. Anyway, I had a phone call with Graxon afterwards. They weren't happy. They refused to work with us again with any more sponsorship deals, which means you can't even get samples if you tried now.

Starting point is 02:43:15 I won't. They're also being apparently investigated for those samples. It's a great product. It's not a great product. It made you violent and belligerent. It didn't make me violent. It did. They made people violent towards me. Yeah, but you were aggressive.

Starting point is 02:43:26 I got a bit nauseous. You were aggro. Yeah, and then you were sick all over the equipment afterwards. Now, to be fair, you were kicked in the stomach. I was kicked several times. So yeah, I can understand why you were sick. Still, do you want to apologise for your behaviour now though? I do not. Because throughout the show you were rude.

Starting point is 02:43:41 I think everyone owes me an apology. No, if anything. Including Graxton. No, Graxton don't. In No, if anything. Including Graxton. No, Graxton don't. In fact, if anything. They pushed it on us. Your actions have ruined our relationship with Graxton. I don't know what relationship with them.

Starting point is 02:43:52 They're monsters. Yeah, but you still took their samples, hounded them for samples, embarrassed yourself on screen for samples, got a beating because you took samples. It's not because of that. It is. If you had to took the samples, you wouldn't have been that aggressive and cocky. Therefore, Ethan wouldn't have decked you.

Starting point is 02:44:09 You were begging for it. I feel sick. You were literally flaunting it. I feel so sick. You do look very pale. Do I? Yeah. You really do. Almost a corpse-like.

Starting point is 02:44:18 Fuck off. Well, you shouldn't take your samples then, should you? I wanna take my samples now. I wanna take my samples now, I wanna take my samples now Who's gonna come right through the door? It's the guy with the samples now Where's he gonna come right from? He's gonna come in this room

Starting point is 02:44:37 And I'm gonna have the samples now I'm gonna have my samples now I'm gonna have my samples now I'm gonna have my samples now Is this what you're gonna do? Is this how the episode ends? Is you just singing that over and over and over? I've got... Because that's tiring, it's boring, it's you drawing out something in search for it to be funny at some point down the line if you keep on doing it for long enough I'm gonna... I'm glad you laugh at it, because I'm not

Starting point is 02:45:01 I've got an urge to cut my balls And everyone at home doesn't think it's very funny, do you, boys and girls? I fight the urge to cup my balls. Great. I fight the urge to cup your balls. Yes, we've got that. Cup my balls. Whereas I'm going to get me globlins out.

Starting point is 02:45:15 I'm going to splash you with me globlins out. Splop, splop, splop, here come the goblins. Here come the globlins. Splop, splop, splop. Here come the globlins. In that case, yes. Pictures and the video to this episode is on thecheapshow.co.uk. Also everything else is on that website as well. Links to our social media, our email, our PO box address. It's all there.

Starting point is 02:45:57 And also a link to our Patreon, which is patreon.com forward slash cheapshow. Give what you can, but only if you can. Thank you very much. If you want to help support this darling of a podcast thank you very much we really do appreciate it um did that hippo just wink at me or did i just imagine that hippo winking at me on the screen moving image it is moving isn't it no it is it's moving it's no it's zooming in it's yeah but it blinked at me it did not i swear to god that hippo winked at me i'm looking at those hippos eyes i don't like this the wet eyes i don't want my last visual image of this episode to be a blinking hippo's eyes.

Starting point is 02:46:28 They've got wet eyes don't they? They have a very wet eye look. It's almost sexual. Oh what's it changing to? Your screensaver's changing. Oh what's that? Abstract liquid relaxing screensaver. Abstract liquid relaxing screensaver.

Starting point is 02:46:39 Relaxing abstract liquid screensaver. That's what a globulin, that looks when a globulin goes in there. Yeah but that's red mate. If your globulins are red, then you need to go see a fucking doctor. Or you've got three minutes to live. Either way, no one wants abstract liquid relaxing screensaver. No one wants bloody spunk, Paul, no. No, no one wants it. No one wants to listen to us going on about this.

Starting point is 02:46:57 I don't know how we're ending this week's episode. This has been, Paul, the worst episode of all time. Has it? Yeah. I don't know. I can't see this going down. I put it down to you and your drugs. Oh. Oh there's people in a quarry. Petrified forest. Iceland nature drone film press up to play. Right that is this week's Cheap Show done. We'll see you next for some more regular cheap content. Back to normal. Back to normal. This has been a blip. We've got toys and food next week, everybody. Toys and food. It might even be a bit of a Tomy Playtime special.

Starting point is 02:47:27 Tomy Playtime special. So join us next week for more Cheap Show Antics. We know you will. Bye bye, everyone. Bye bye, everyone. Bye bye. Bye bye. Bye bye. Bye bye, everybody. New York City drone, press up to play. Why do you keep on singing that hat? Pierce my pod and here comes goblins now.

CheapShow - Ep 388: The 2024 Trash Cannes Film Festival (Interrupted)

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