CheapShow - Ep 392 Professor Joke Thief

Starting point is 00:00:00 What? Why are you looking at me like that? Because you said you had an idea and so I was waiting for you to start. I always don't know where I am. But you literally just said to me, I was about to press record, you went, oh, I thought you were going to say... And you held your finger up as if to say, oh, I've got an idea. He's coughing up a herbal, everyone. Oh, it's a big one.

Starting point is 00:00:17 Oh, it's run off. I think I just seen the birth of a scribble of all the scribbles. Your bloody furballs come out of it. Scribbles can't canon no more. Scribbles don't exist no more, not in this universe. Mate, I hate to break this to you, but I'm fucking in charge of Cheap Show Canon. You're not in charge- I'm in charge of the Cheap Show Canon!

Starting point is 00:00:32 Oh he's doing it, he's touching his- no! No, let's start again. No! No! No, I didn't- you got a good purchase on your whole packet then. I was trapping- You were strapping it up and down. I was grabbing the whole fruit bowl, mate. No word of a lie, listeners. Bananas, apples, grapes, I had it all.

Starting point is 00:00:48 We can't do this. Stop that. We can't... You did this for like three weeks straight. I was only touching the little... Unconsciously as well. Mate, I am doing it for real. Please.

Starting point is 00:01:01 Look at this. Look at what I've got in me hand. It's all of it, mate. It's all of it. I'm not looking. Come on. Get a look at at what I've got in my hand. It's all of it mate. It's all of it. I'm not looking. Come on. Get a look at this. I've got it all in, I've got the whole world in my hand. Stop cupping your nuts through the jeans. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show. I am Paul Gannon and with me is Joke Feef, Eli Silverman. No, yeah, because you stole from Lee Evans or whatever it was. Was it?

Starting point is 00:01:24 Lee Mack. Lee Mack and I it was, wasn't it? Lee Mack. Was it? Lee Mack and I did actually, on second thought, I went to see Lee Mack live. Didn't you come with Friend of the Show? I've never seen Lee Mack live. With Joe Wilson. Never seen Lee Mack live. Joe Wilson took me to see it.

Starting point is 00:01:40 Good, and that's when you stole the joke. Well, now we all know. I was just like, oh, I've tried to formulate that joke before and he's done it very well. Anyhow, you were so proud of it last week. So I'm sorry about that everyone. You were so proud of it. You wrote a joke and guess what? The twist in the tail, the Hitchcockian moment, the M. Night Shyamalan reveal was that you had actually stolen it. Late Night Shyamalan. Late Night Shamalam. Don't fucking do it, don't you do a wank sound. Late Night Shamalam. Come on, that works for me. No, like most of his films though, you've got a

Starting point is 00:02:12 real sad end. Paul, I'm willing to accept that there was some confusion about the origin of the Angel Delight joke. Yeah. Shepherd's Delight, Angel Delight joke. Oh, Feath. Sorry, it just came up when I was coughing. But. All the fucking weeks as well, where I say something and go, oh, you've nicked that off something. Where have you nicked that from? Where have you really nicked that from? Oh, you fucker. Yes, but I nick actual structure where you just nick throw away. Oh, so you're just better at nicking. Words, just the way people say words. So where are we now? We're just joke thieves, you and me,

Starting point is 00:02:47 sitting here, joke theft. I'm here to make amends for the theft of jokes that went on last week. How are you gonna do that then? You're gonna come up with an original joke. I have formulated an original joke. Yeah. And I tell you what, there ain't no way

Starting point is 00:02:59 no one's ever done this one. Go on. Okay, yeah, go ahead. Here we go, an original joke. I won't interrupt, I promise to you, But this will go right into the credit sequence. The what, Paul? The musical credit sequence as made by Noiseland. Who's Red Letter Media album is available now for download. Okay. Here's the joke. What did the posh lady at the posh dinner say to the plastic box? I don't know.

Starting point is 00:03:25 No? That's not it? That's not the end of the setup, man. It sounded like it. The inflection and intonation of that speech led me to believe the setup to the gag had been set up. I apologize. Please start again. Joke feast. What did Dame Pochaux, who was at Le Garçon d'Entombe, a very posh restaurant, say to the plastic box which had been asking for a date insistently. Is the joke finished now? That's the set up of the joke, Paul.

Starting point is 00:03:52 Okay, now, now... Shall we go over it again? No, no, no. Let's go over it. No, no, no. Let me get a say. No, you're ruining it. You're telling me.

Starting point is 00:04:00 It's got no rhythm. I can't know. Did Madame Pochot at the Lom de Tom Tomf Pompf speak to a... Le Garçon d'Entombe. Le Gâteau Le Frange-flange. Did they... Le Frange-flange. ...speak to a small plastic box?

Starting point is 00:04:09 Yeah. No. No, which was asking for a date, insistently. I would love to know the answer to that comedic set-up. Oh no. Oh dear. He hasn't got any...

Starting point is 00:04:22 He's got nothing, has he? I've got something. Go on. It's not much though. Go on. It's the 5 minute cold open. So just to be clear, you keep ruining the setup. Madame Pochot, what did she say? Lady Pochot when she did... What are you doing? You're losing it!

Starting point is 00:04:42 Tell your joke man! What did she say to the plastic box that had been insisting on a date? I don't know. I'm finding you, Tupper where is some... Fucking hell! Tupper where is... No that's not it! No it is!

Starting point is 00:05:00 No! Scratch that! Edit that out! No I can't! What did she say? This kid's stuck in the picture. What did she say? I don't know what she fucking said. Alright, good. This is the actual punchline to the joke, okay?

Starting point is 00:05:11 Yeah. Oh, do go away. I'm fine. I grow tupperware. Fucking hell. I can't take this. I grow tupper... You're tupperwarey.

Starting point is 00:05:19 Welcome to Cheap Show, everyone. Welcome to the podcast. I grow tupperwarey of you. Welcome to the podcast. I'm growing tupperwarey of this. Welcome to the podcast. Welcome to the podcast. Welcome to. Welcome to Cheap Show everyone. Welcome to the podcast. I grow tupperwarey of you. Welcome to the podcast.

Starting point is 00:05:27 I'm growing tupperwarey of this. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Welcome to Cheap Show. Oh, it's Cheap Show. Hello, welcome to the podcast. My name is Paul Gannon and with me is Eli Silverman. I'm Lee Mack. You're Lee Mack. Hello, I'm Eli Silverman. I'm also on the Cheap Show podcast with Paul Gannon. He's over there. What? What is this show about? I hear you say. What? What is it about? Look, sometimes what we like to do on Cheap Show is we celebrate the cheap and the cheerful. We go to Poundland, Bargain Bins, Dog Shops, Couch Lads, Couch Lads, Fish Emporiums and we find

Starting point is 00:06:30 the treasure we find amongst the trash and we bring it to you and this week is quite an unusual week because although we are doing a regular segment, A Price of Shite, this will be the only thing we do this week because there's quite a lot of bits and I've curated them. Okay, I'm looking forward to that Paul and An elongated priceau de chaisa sizeau. Indeed, I went to the Muswell of Hills. The pre cost of me cost of the Muswell of Hills. In the north of London and I went to one of them. They got quite a fair few. Oh, it's a great spot. I love it up there. At least eight. The views are so lovely as well you see it all of it yeah oh it's really a gem yeah and not as a snooty as somewhere similar like

Starting point is 00:07:10 Hampstead yes not at all not a snooty no you go for the ambience in Hampstead but you don't know the prices yeah although I have to say the Oxfam bookshop in Hampstead whoo tech is very good one yeah textbook that you can get textbooks there probably found a found auffield maths book from 1973. A Nuffields maths book. Yeah, Nuffield made maths books for schools. Oh, you found one, yeah. Yeah, textbook condition.

Starting point is 00:07:32 Boom! Gags are coming! Pow, pow, pow, pow, pow! That's barely a joke. Sorry, I find that Tupperwarey in good view. Come on! No. Come on!

Starting point is 00:07:42 No. You love it. No, Paul. Oh, cool. Don't we have a tell us from the shop floor? No. Do you have one? No, but I've got... What? You got a little item for me, have you? A little... You got a little item for me, me have you? You do?

Starting point is 00:07:55 I do have a little item for you. Yeah, all right. Let's get it out. Eli's got a little item for me. Where did you get it from? A charity shop. Good. Oh, is it the tin? Yes. Okay. You want to have a little look? Give me. Oh, is it the tin? Yes.

Starting point is 00:08:05 Okay. You want to have a little look? It's got a little sticker on it. It's a little tin. I want to know right now that this is an addendum to this item that will come up later in the show. This is an extra. It's a little tin and it's got a forest on it.

Starting point is 00:08:17 It's got something inside and there's a sticker on the top. A little frog sticker. What do you think is inside? Well, I mean, look, when you bought this, was the thing that's inside it, inside it when you bought it. Yes. So it wasn't something you bought separately and put inside. I haven't put anything surprise in there. No. It's just as is. It's part of the item. In that case I have a little metal pill shaped box. There is a design around the outside of it. Pictures of course will be on our website, thetweepers.co.uk of Flauna and Fauna.. Flora and fauna, yes.

Starting point is 00:08:45 That's how you say that. A little sticker on the top of a little froggy. No, there's no fauna. The frog is the only fauna. And was there flora? Flora is flora. So I can safely say flora and fauna on this box. No.

Starting point is 00:08:57 I mean, I'm not inaccurate though, right? So I'm not completely 100% inaccurate. No, I'll tell you the ways. The myriad ways you are inaccurate. Don't use the word myriad. And also, unaccurate. Also, not a word. It is. No it isn't.

Starting point is 00:09:09 You're making up words. You fucking say Chodny Boroff. I have the intention. But Chodny Boroff isn't a mangled remembrance of another word. It is its own thing. I'm gonna have to cup. I'm cupping my own. Cup it. I'll cup mine.

Starting point is 00:09:20 I'm not gonna get a cup off. Scrap the knife. Don't. No. This is getting so close to mutual masturbation now. Tony, if we touch each other. Fauna is animals. If we touch in our own at the same time, I don't think it's mutual masturbation. Yes it is.

Starting point is 00:09:34 It's not. If we're touching each other's, then we're mutually helping each other. No, that's giving someone a hand job. Mutual masturbation is when you watch each other wank. Fuck's sake. You don't understand anything. Basic things. Like the meaning of mutual masturbation. I just thought mutual, right, was if you're doing each other. You're both wanking!

Starting point is 00:09:50 No! I thought- That's just wanking someone off! Isn't that- Or giving someone a handjob. Or fingering someone. That's just communal masturbation then, if you just- No, communal! You get everyone involved.

Starting point is 00:09:59 Come on everyone! That's like- All in! That's like an Amsterdam hostel or whatever, you know. Yeah, something like that. Talking of sexual organs, frog box. Anyway, yes, there's a frog box and a little sticker on the frog. The corner is the animals.

Starting point is 00:10:15 And there's something inside it and it feels, is it one thing? Just open it. Come on, let's get this over with. It's plastic. Maybe it's like a little sheep or a little doggy or something. Little animal, little rubber animal. You're close. Oh it's two little froggy's. Golden frogs. And there's like a little electric thing and they go riddit riddit. And they're on little metallic green lily leaves. Little green little gold frogs. They're not bad, are they?

Starting point is 00:10:46 It's like when you tell a joke. At it, Tupperwarey. That's the crickets. Yeah, but they're frogs. Okay, so, there must be a little light sensor in it. Yeah, there is in fact, you can see the little thing there. It's very similar to the chips you get in those novelty gift cards. My next question.

Starting point is 00:11:02 They play happy birthday, aren't they? My next question is what is the fucking point of all that? What do you do with it other than show it to your podcast co-host? Exactly which is why it's here Paul. Do you want to have a little guess of the price? I have a theory that there's more shit in the world like bad tech and shit and tat because youtubers make videos of it and they're always looking for stuff so there's now more need to make shit for people to buy. Well, you can talk about things like Wish and Alibaba and stuff. Yeah, and Tmoo and Aliexpress, Alibaba, Aliexpress is where it is.

Starting point is 00:11:32 Basically you have this situation where America runs the world militarily but China makes all of the stuff in the world. We live in wasteful times. Very wasteful. Very wasteful. But we try to save stuff. We do. Preserve it in audio form. Almost everything we buy that isn't food-based here on Cheap Show...

Starting point is 00:11:51 Goes right up the arse. ...is second-hand. Of course, yeah. So we're not directly contributing to the manufacture of useless shit. I like to think we're not... No, but we are part of the cycle still. Well, it's time to think about... We can't remove ourselves completely from the machine.

Starting point is 00:12:04 No. But we are aware of the damage we're doing. Yes, but what do you think of the frog box? Yeah, you know what, nice little bit of fun, innit? How much did it cost, can I guess? Yeah, it was second hand from a charity shop, it was from the All A Board shop in Golders Green. Okay. You know the one where you look in the window sometimes. That's where I saw that mad board game. It's a really nice charity shop actually, has to be said. A lot of good stuff there. I'm gonna say... It's a bit pricey as charity shops go. Here's the thing, I thought you looked at the price and thought,

Starting point is 00:12:32 oh, bit pricey, but for the podcast probably worth it. That's right. I'm gonna say... Oh, I'll tell you one other clue about the price. It is a multiple of 25p. Which is our margin, in case you don't know everyone, where the price of shite we pay, you guess the price. We'll go into it later. We'll get to that later. But it is a multiple of 25p.

Starting point is 00:12:50 Okay I am going to say then that it is probably 350. If not £4. No £1.75. Oh okay alright that's acceptable for that. Yeah which is probably why I got it. Yeah. It's the Frog Box everybody. It's the Frog Box Yeah, love come over here and zip my trousers. Here you go. Two frogs In my pants. This one's Andrew Frog and he lives on me left nut. What's the other one called? Bobby Frog Ian. Ian Frog. Andrew and Ian Frog and they live on me bollocks and what? What do they do there? Well Alan you need to cut basically is an IT I can't and Ian oh, I'm losing the will to live. He works as a croupier in a casino your frog your bollock frogs

Starting point is 00:13:43 Make it stop, please. And, uh, they... What can you stop? They're having a conversation. What are they saying? Eli is a Jogfeet. Is he? I didn't Nick. No one's... They're right shits there as those two. The two frogs.

Starting point is 00:13:54 Yeah. Ian and Andrew Frog. The brand new characters coming to Cheap Show. Oh, you'll want to know more about them. If you can leave it out there, the Randy Dog will come and drown them both in spunk. It's nasty smelly dog spunk. And then they'll die, and then you'll be sorry, and then you'll get a call from fucking wide-travelled Rob,

Starting point is 00:14:13 and he'll wanna come on. He's hanging around like a dirty smell, like the smell of that dog's spunk. And then Cardinal Sin would come in and fuck the dog. Oh yeah, who won that competition anyway? Who fucking cares? Who cares? Some people must. Gareth the ghost hunter won. Oh yeah, that's right. He's got great value.

Starting point is 00:14:30 Yeah, he's got great value. Now, that's it. We can move on to the show. I thought you mentioned something about A Tales From The Shop floor. Oh, ah. You did. Did you say someone in? No, not quite right, but yeah, I stand corrected.

Starting point is 00:14:41 So we are getting ready to film episode 400. We're going to be filming it in August. Not quite right, but yeah, I stand corrected. So we are getting ready to film episode 400. We're going to be filming it in August. What we want from the listeners is if you haven't sent one before, if you've sent one and we haven't read it out, please email thecheapshow.gmail.com at Tales from the Shop Floor, a story where you've worked in a shop or been in a shop and saw something shocking, amusing, weird, whatever. Or could be an office, any workplace for you. And we will read that out in episode 400. We'll pick one and we'll read it out.

Starting point is 00:15:11 We want to do a tell us from the shop floor. Or if you work in a foyer or lobby situation. Yeah, or you're a busker. Reception, I think they call it. Yeah, maybe you were busking on the street. Yeah, we haven't had that. Have we? We haven't had a busker story. No. They must get poos put in their thing.

Starting point is 00:15:26 Yeah, or they must see some strange stuff themselves. Someone wacking off. You know, yeah. Oh, God. Oh, God. Pathetic Jokefeefee like Silverman. I'm not Jokefeef. Professor Jog-Jogfeef. Professor Jokefeef.

Starting point is 00:15:37 Professor Jokefeef. Hello, I'm Professor Jokefeef. Oh, what goes... What is yellow and crazy mean? No. Shark-infested custard. Oh, where'd you get that Professor Jokefield? Oh, I got it from a book.

Starting point is 00:15:50 Nah, nah, nah. Professor Jokefield? No, no, no. Much better than your frogs? No. Much better. Much, much better. It's not much better.

Starting point is 00:15:58 It's a much better. No. Oh, listen mate, it's much better. I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, what's this? What's this noise of? Ha ha Oh listen mate, it's much better. I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, what's this? So what's this the noise of? Ha ha ha ha bunker, what it goes to like a that?

Starting point is 00:16:11 Uh, and nothing laughing his head off or whatever. A man laughing his head off. Oh my god, good. I'm a Professor Joke Thief. Is this all what we're going to do now? We're going to purposely introduce a character, just so we can tell the most obvious jokes in the world. I'm a Professor Joke Thief, I tell the jokes. I get the professor joke thief I tell the jokes I get the jokes I steal the jokes I tell

Starting point is 00:16:27 the jokes you want another one? I would really like this to all stop. Would you like another one from me? One more. Okay it's not really a joke it's just something you can call someone it's really funny you call them you say you're a cock a wom-womble, eh? A cock-a-womble. I'll nicker that. Anyway, come on, I'm ready to play the Price Of The Shite of. And let's get into that right now. It's the Price Of Shite time, everybody. time everybody. where one of us, or maybe the listening faithful, go to a charity shop, pick up some items, send them our way, we judge, we review and we rate and then we try and guess the price. Now what is the scoring system Mr Silverman Joke Thief? The scoring system for the price of shite is very simple and straightforward.

Starting point is 00:17:40 Points are known as betwinks in this game Paul. That is by the by, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Where you hear the word betwing. We mean points. That'sings in this game, Paul. Yeah. That is by the by. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. You hear the word petwing. We mean points. That's what we mean. They're interchangeable. Get it into your fucking head. Petwing means point. Yeah. Point means petwing.

Starting point is 00:17:53 And what do petwings mean? Points. That's right. If you guess the price of the item exactly right. Bong-bong-yon. That's right Paul, you get two per twinks with that. You get two per twinks if you get it on the nose. And that's what you want to do in it. That's what you want to do. You really do. But if you get it within 25p, just out, either side, either above the real price or below the real price by 25p in the buffer zone, you will score one per twing. Just the one mind you, but one's gooder than nothing.

Starting point is 00:18:36 One is gooder than nothing. Now we are playing by those rules and simple and nothing fancy added. There was one thing that I just wanted to mention. Yes. Back in the early days of Cheap Show, Paul, this is a fundamental segment and game that we play on this show. A universal truth. But we used to select items ourselves. This is before we had the lovely listenership sending in bespoke prices of shite. We've had many, many episodes where the prices of shites have been delivered by our audience

Starting point is 00:19:09 via our PO box. Information for that address is in the metadata for this episode on the podcast app you're listening to. So much so that in recent years, that's the only way we've been playing it. Crazy. And the old way where we selected the items ourselves and bought them ourselves, that's fallen by the wayside, Lord, largely. Bye-bye. selected the items ourselves and bought them ourselves. Yeah. That's fallen by the wayside Lord largely. Bye bye. Largely.

Starting point is 00:19:26 But I mentioned it the other day and now you have curated. Yeah. An old school price a shy. You know, I felt like I was rusty. I felt like I was out of the game, you know, so I wanted to try and get that muscle back. I wanted to try and flex it again. Flex it again.

Starting point is 00:19:38 Get back in the game. Flex my muscle. Oh no, he's cupping the jeans again. I'm flexing my muscle. Stop. Stop, mate, come on. All of it though, all of it in my big hand. I understand the whole lot is able to grab in one go. And I've got big hands, mate, and that was a full hand.

Starting point is 00:19:58 Stop with the up and down though, please. Now, with all that being said, it is now time to begin the game. Eli will be guessing. How you feeling? How many items we got? We got loads then. Five. Five items. That's going to get us right to the end of the show, is it? Yeah, and this Price of Shy will play the gamut. A little bit of post-past times, a little bit of platter, a little bit of page turner, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Lulululu. Lulululu. Lulululu. Can I just... I'm just trying to break ya! Can I say one thing at this juncture?

Starting point is 00:20:50 Boop boop Mr Ganon. Boop boop a booloo be boop boop. Boop boop Mr Ganon. Oh, I'm in good spirits this week! Good, I'm glad you're happy this week, Paul. Yes. So I'm ready for my first item, if that's what we're going to do. Now, I will say this,

Starting point is 00:21:05 although there are no extra points or special points, I will also say nothing here is out to trick you. I'm not out to play a game or con you or whatever, it's a free item but it's not, nothing like that, all right. Because there was a quite a lot of espionage early on in the show when we used to play. Nothing that's in this selection was found on some hardened dog, dog, dog dirt. Dog dirt dirt like the infamous poo tie poo tie go back and listen to the early episodes yeah if you want to hear about that's when this when the flavor changed of that show right oh let's get the first one going then okay are you ready yeah here we go he's handing to me

Starting point is 00:21:39 what is it a lovely thing are you sure that's not the price there this sticker absolutely not just a gift aid scan thing. I know, I've taken them all off. This is, I believe the terminology is a Tiffin tin. Yes, it's Tiffin. It is a lovely quality solid steel, stainless steel, I believe it looks like, a stack of three little tins. And I'm going to do the class here.

Starting point is 00:22:00 Please do. Oh, it's modular. It is so modular, so cool. And you could put- Well, you meant to put like rice in and then like- Rice, curry, and then veg and a salad at the top maybe. Yeah, sort of that. But it's a massive thing in India, isn't it?

Starting point is 00:22:14 Well- They get delivered to trains and they just get delivered everywhere and offices- Guys on mopeds with them hanging off them. Yeah. It's a whole sort of way that they do food there. This is a really lovely thing. Isn't it? Yeah

Starting point is 00:22:26 Wait, wait, I need to apologize to you. I want to ask you a question. Do you want to know the window? Oh, yes, we need a window or a ceiling That's the other thing I didn't mention when we play this game. I should explain to the listeners there's a few ways that the setter of the Challenge can help the guesser in this me. And that is by giving a ceiling, that's where they give a price that is not above for all of the items put together, or a window, which is a range. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:22:52 Well, that's it. A window or a ceiling. Or there's no floor. No. Would you like the window? Is there a window for this one? Or would you like the range? The window is the range. The ceiling is the top. Yes. Would you like the top? I want the range. I spent no more, I'll be

Starting point is 00:23:05 honest, a bit costly, I spent no more than £22. And no less than? £20. So it's into the 20 to 22 window. Okay, thank you. So you did want a window then? For all five items put together. All five items. I did want a window, I keep saying I want the window. I just thought you wanted the top. Window, window, window, window. I thought you wanted the top, top, top, top, top. A Windigo. Yes. Is that kind of, that's another monster, isn't it? Yeah, it's some kind of cryptid.

Starting point is 00:23:30 It's a cryptid monster, yes. Yeah. Associated with Native American mythology. I think so, I think so. Well, you should know, they don't, they turn up a lot. No, it's skinwalkers. Skinwalkers is the rage at the moment in paranormal bullshit on YouTube, yeah. This is just, I don't know what else to say.

Starting point is 00:23:44 It's a little Tiffin. I've seen bigger ones. Yeah. Well, it's not about the size, mate. No, that's what she says. She says, she's squad. Yeah. I've seen bigger ones.

Starting point is 00:23:54 But you said it. She says it. Yeah. But I didn't say that. Did I? I just went, Oh, I gave you a little wink and put me tongue in me bottom lip like this and it has a brace. The things work. So you've got three modular, um, that. And it has a brace. The things work.

Starting point is 00:24:05 So you've got three modular stacked containers. Yeah. I'd call them. And then you have a brace, a metal brace, which keeps it all together. Make sure your dial or whatever. Yeah. Doesn't spill out.

Starting point is 00:24:17 No. And this is fantastic. And I would actually use this. Would you? Well, we should use it next time we do a walkabout with a picnic. Oh, yeah, maybe. And I can take my picnic stuff in here. Give it a go. Alright. Pickles, crisps,

Starting point is 00:24:27 sandwich, round sandwich. Dips. Galettes. Have you ever had a galette? Yeah, they're the best a man can get. They're rice cakes. It was a brand of rice cakes. I don't even think they do them anymore. Either way, how much? I think it's French for a rice cake. How much do you think that costs there? How does it go together? Like that. You had it right. Put the clasp over the little thing and then put it down. Oh it goes above that? Yeah I think it does. And then you just force it down. Yeah there you go. Sturdy. Sturdy but how much- It's gift aided. Yes. How much do you think that is worth? I'm going to be able to come back and- Of course you can mate. That is a solid

Starting point is 00:25:02 and functional item. It's going to be like about £4.50, I think. Yeah. I'm going to say £4.50 initially, OK? All right, I'll put £4.50 down initially. I think that's going to be one of the more expensive ones. I mean, it's got a bit of staining. I mean... Does what it does.

Starting point is 00:25:17 You got this round the corner, didn't you? No, I got that in Muswell. Everything's from Muswell Hill. Oh, OK. In fact, I can even tell you that was from Cancer Research. Cancer Research, Muswell Hill. Yeah. I. In fact, I can even tell you that was from Cancer Research. Cancer Research, Muswell Hill. Yeah. I just saw one of these around the corner.

Starting point is 00:25:28 Yeah, it's probably still there then. How much? Oh yeah, you've said it. Right, okay. Silly little extra item now for you. Say what you see. It is a silver hat, Paul. It's got the Monopoly man on it and the Monopoly logo. And it seems to be a hat.

Starting point is 00:25:43 Oh, it's a Monopoly piece. It's a large plush Monopoly piece top hat. Yes, because it could be a little doggy or it could be the carriage or whatever it is, but that's the hat. They're really going for this Monopoly shit, aren't they? Monetizing it, just merging it to the max. Yeah, well. Why? Because it's a shit game. Yeah, but it's full of iconography. The Mr Money or whatever the character's name is, whose thing. You've got all the little items and stuff. I mean, just think of the iconography of any board game and certainly the classics like Cluedo. There are things that spring to mind, like the dagger. There are things that people just know, even if they never played the game.

Starting point is 00:26:16 I agree, but I don't understand who's really into Monopoly. No one's really into Monopoly. No, but they're into the iconography of it. There's no world championship of Monopoly, is there? Do you remember those blind bags we got where you get loads of shit in and then you get like a little token and a little fake pewter Monopoly piece? And they had little wooden hotels. Yeah, and what I'm saying is you're not really buying the game because you like the game, you're buying the merch because it's like, oh, I like, I want a Rubik's cube, but it's just going to go on my shelf.

Starting point is 00:26:39 It's like the iconography of something you're buying really. This is Mint on Card, it still has all the labels attached. I wonder if it was originally sold in that Monopoly Live that they have near Warren Street or Goode Street or whatever. Again, dystopian that is. Monopoly Live! You're bankrupt! Brilliant.

Starting point is 00:26:57 If you don't know, because you live outside the UK, there's a place in central London where you take a party of friends and you go play Monopoly on a huge big board, but there were twists to it. I think it's not exactly the game as you play it on the board game. Mason Evers It must have sort of escape room strategy things. Neil Milliken I think it's more like a quick time version of the game. There are probably versions that simplify it for the sake of party games.

Starting point is 00:27:20 Mason Evers It's very popular for going out. It's the people like to go out and do activities these days, rather than just going down the pub or going to a nightclub and dancing. Yeah. A bigger market share I've heard is the sort of event things for when people go out. Do you think the first type of that was like laser tag back in the day? It's that type of thing. And there's this place I keep driving past in Camden called Quiz Boxing. Right.

Starting point is 00:27:44 What's that? I think it's like quiz.aze called Quiz Boxing. Right, what's that? I think it's like quiz, you go in, you do quiz team quizzing, you know. Escape roomy kind of twist thing. That whole thing is huge these days, isn't it? Axe throwing, there's all these little things, like activities. I saw an anger room where you can pay like 30 quid and you go into a room and smash shit up. Oh yeah. I kind of feel like I want to do that. That must be quite fun.

Starting point is 00:28:03 Yeah, and there's the Crystal Maze experience. Which I did. And I've done that as well. How many crystals did you get? I got three. I got one. It's still fun, isn't it? It's just like doing the TV show. Yeah, that was fun. Like the change from TV to live experience, not much had to be changed really. No, that's, that was, but that's why it was, um. Successful. Hit me in the... The TV show was quite appealing. Yeah. Because it was like, I can see myself doing that sort of thing you know you can basically I hate this yeah this is a waste of the world's resources this monopoly top hat yeah a piece of shit and I hope they stop and when you know the backstory about the invention of monopoly how it was an anti capitalist satirical the landlord game

Starting point is 00:28:42 yes and then she got done, the inventor of monopoly got fucked over by the capitalists. Basically, long story short. That's the simplified version, yes. Just everything about it leaves a sort of bad taste in my mouth. How it becomes this huge moneymaker when in fact the original impetus to make it was to say no to capitalism. You shouldn't be wanting greed and to have a monopoly over fucking something. But it's fascinating, Monopoly. I don't like playing it, but I find the history and the constant attempts to reinvent it fascinating.

Starting point is 00:29:14 Anyway, that's terrible and I think it was about... Mint on card. Mintish. I mean, it's horrendous. Do you know what? It's also horrendous about this? They didn't even bother to make an actual hat. Well, no, think about it. That's what the play in place would look like because it doesn't have a divot in the hat, does it? Yes it does.

Starting point is 00:29:32 No it doesn't. Yes it does. I'm pretty sure it doesn't have a hollow. Look it up, mate. I know for a fact. Right, I've just edited all that faff out. The answer was inconclusive. So that's that item and you said what again for the hat? How much?

Starting point is 00:29:46 Uh, I haven't said yet. Oh, okay. How much for the hat? Ah, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I think two 50, I think two 50. Two 50? For something that's utterly ugly and useless. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:30:03 To go on a shelf and be forgotten about. Just be nothing. Yeah. And the amount of resources anyway. You'd have to have a huge big bonk on for Monopoly to want that. Who does though? It feels like it's one of those things that like you mention to like a relative, oh I had fun playing Monopoly.

Starting point is 00:30:16 And then every birthday for several years you get this crap. Do you know what I mean? I refuse to believe there's ever been stated by a human being, oh I had fun playing Monopoly. And it, I mean it's worth mentioning now, I know I've mentioned this before, but they did a mathematical sort of... Breakdown? Analysis of Monopoly.

Starting point is 00:30:32 And the reason it's so shit as a game is that if you get ahead, quite like the real world, if you get ahead early on, you've got a huge advantage, you're going to win. If you get past a certain... Just buy a numbers game, Okay, all right, fine. So that's fun for everyone who has to sit there and play it for two hours. So then here's the next question. Why is it still so popular? You know what I mean? I don't know. I don't understand. This is my question. I don't understand why it's

Starting point is 00:30:55 so popular. Because it doesn't even have the charm of Cluedo, which... Cluedo in itself... Cluedo's a much better game. Yeah, but in itself it's a lot less exciting game when you compare it to the mechanics of Monopoly. Mechanics of Monopoly are kind of like random, there's a lot less kind of exciting game when you compare it to the mechanics of monopoly mechanics. Monopoly are kind of like random. There's more going on. You're tracking more money. There's more strategy. Put it this way to monopoly. Is there really? Yes, there is.

Starting point is 00:31:13 Cluedo is more of a game of elimination, isn't it? It's a logic game. Yeah. Yeah. But it's timed out with you moving around the board. Otherwise, it'd be over in three seconds, Cluedo. Yes. It's about the luck element is getting to the clues, isn't it? But Cluedo has a charm visually, historically, it's up there with the you know, the murder mysteries Agatha Christie motif kind of thing. I just don't get Monopoly. It's the fat cats.

Starting point is 00:31:35 Yeah. Anyway. Anyway, so that's all right. Okay. So that's the item. I said 250. Yeah. Let's go on to our third.

Starting point is 00:31:43 Oh, Paul, Paul is Oh, Paul is come back. Hello, Professor Joker, Joker the thief, hello. You want a Joker? I nick it, I nick this Joker. I would like a more organic moment for that character to come back. Quicker, quicker, quicker, Joker, that I nick, okay? I'm the professor of this.

Starting point is 00:32:01 I nick, I nick the jokes. You nick the jokes? I steal the jokes. Okay, it's a knocker knocker joke. You know about a knocka knocka joke? Yeah. Okay, good. A knocka knocka. Oh, it's the police, the joke thief police on the way. No, it's okay. They can't give me. I'm immune. How are you immune? You've got diplomatic immunity. I have a diplomatic immunity. You have immunity. A knocka knocka. Who's there? Doctor. Doctor who? You just said it! I'm nicking that joke!

Starting point is 00:32:27 I'm nicking that joke so much! I'ma go! I'ma go now, okay? Oh, who's this? Hey everybody! Hello! It's me, Cardinal Sin, innit? Hello!

Starting point is 00:32:35 What's all this? It's that dog with that dirty dog! Ah fuck that dog! Every time! Hey, I don't fuck with the dog! Stop fucking the dogs! Then stop bringing in fucking joke thief then, alright? What's the next item on the panel? That dog! Every time! Hey, I don't fucking the dog! Stop fucking the dog!

Starting point is 00:32:45 Then stop bringing in fucking Jokefief then, alright? What's the next item on the Prickos de Chicos? It is this. It's a piece of record. It is an LP, he's handed it to me. I have. Kenny Everett's The Greatest Adventure Yet from Captain Kremen. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:33:03 Featuring hideous monsters with added festering globules with Alan Freeman's dulcet tones. Very briefly yes. Inside in a bag free nuclear explosion with chips. Yes I presume. Was there some kind of insert that isn't with this? Not that I see and when I've looked online it just seems to be. Oh plain sleeve, generic sleeve. Yeah yeah yeah. So it is Kenny Everett's probably most famous character. I don't know what you would you say? No, absolutely not. It's not.

Starting point is 00:33:29 It's not. It's not. Yeah. And like Cupid stunt. Cupid stunt and it's not there. Otherwise I'll remember. But anyway, this is an album version of his radio character, Captain Kremman, who was a Dan Dare spoof effectively.

Starting point is 00:33:43 We've talked about Kenny Everett a lot in the past on this podcast. Long story short, very creative, very funny radio personality, loved working in the sound, audio space, loved radio. He did, didn't he? Bit of a genius of radio, in a way. Yeah, bit naughty, bit rude, bit immature, but passionate and silly and loving it all, you know? Yes, think about, think of a sort of more lively Steve Wright. Yes. Yeah. RIP to both of them.

Starting point is 00:34:13 So apparently these started out as small sketches on his Capitol radio show. This is what we suspected. And then later in the early 80s, for some reason, they would be shown on, what does it say here? Radio Trent and Radio City, which was Liverpool's commercial station. I'm guessing this is when he was making multiple shows for multiple commercial stations. From his home studio? Yeah, when he got kicked off the BBC or whatever it was. And sending the tapes out to different... Imagine that, crazy. He was so completely

Starting point is 00:34:42 enveloped in radio. He was so passionate about it. You don't get creators on radio like that anymore. Well, no, because radio doesn't allow it really anymore because there's two types of radio now. There is outraged talk radio and then there is commercial music stations which are... Which is just like a jukebox. And they're losing their identity because they're replacing local stations with the generic London-based source farmed out...

Starting point is 00:35:05 Algorithmic playlist. Yeah. Oh, look, your breakfast show now comes from London, but we're going to farm out the local news and traffic to some fucking prick in a studio in the... Just so personalityless. So it's like it's not even an entertainment medium anymore. It's an advert, a music pumping device. Weird. Where the presenters are largely incidental. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:35:24 There are obviously exceptions to the rule, you could say. Of course. And so anyway, Kenny Everett, wonderful DJ, came up with Captain Kremen, a space adventurer, spoof series, very immature, bit rude, full of characters, all voiced by him. Do you want to know where the name Kremen came from? I'd like to know. I didn't know that until just now. Ahem.

Starting point is 00:35:42 He took the name Kremen from a series of American radio comedy discs called Superfund that were produced by Mel Blanc and his son Noel. I've never heard of Superfund records. Wow! I'd like to see and get hold of them. That sounds very interesting. Mel Blanc? Yeah. You'd think he was busy enough doing that.

Starting point is 00:35:59 Probably was, but... How many thousands of shorts did he voice? I mean... We don't know. We'll never know where his voice is. It's everywhere. It's crazy. We'll never know where his voice is. It's everywhere. Lost bits of audio. Crazy. Anyway.

Starting point is 00:36:09 What were these records called? They were called Super Fun. One word. Comedy discs. And they were like little comedy discs. I wonder if they're LPs or 7 inches. I would imagine they were LPs, right? Maybe.

Starting point is 00:36:18 I don't know. We can look into it another day. Amazing that we never heard of that. One of the regulars to this series was voice actor Bob Obergast and he came up with the name Kremen as a fictional branding in spoof commercials. They were heard by Kenny Everett in his Radio London days and he revived the name for his space captain and used some of the super fun spoof ads in the Kremen series in those initial broadcasts.

Starting point is 00:36:39 So we had to listen to this and it's fine. I think it maybe works better in Two Minute Batches when they were first done as little sketches. Yes, it gets, you know what gets tiresome? The endless punnery and wordplay. That's the only kind of joke he makes really, rude sort of double entenders. But it's fun. I mean, you can obviously see he had a bit of fun making it because he was putting sound effects on and moogie sounds and space effects and like orchestral music for certain dramatic scenes. I was about to say Paul, I love his mastery of the radio studio. All of the sound effects,

Starting point is 00:37:13 like you said. I mean these are quite simple. The synth noises and all that are kind of appealing, the whole world that he, the sound world that he obviously, he loves that. Playing in it. It's just, yeah yeah as an LP format I don't think it's too much 20 minutes sides isn't it so much of the same thing over and over again but at the same time this was released which is 1980 there was a thing called Captain Krem in the movie which was a half-hour animated adventure in the same artwork as has done all of this yes because I believe it also featured in his TV series early on as well. So there were

Starting point is 00:37:45 shorts available of Kremen and the movie is basically, basically the same plot as this. They go into space, they meet a big alien that eats things in his globally and then they escape it and save the day. Variation on that same plot. It should be mentioned as well, very much of its time in the sort of sex politics type of thing because she's, she's a sex pot, isn't she? Is she a sex pot? What does it say she is in this? Captain Kremen's assistant and you can see there's Big Nipple. Oh ah that's what I wanted to say to you. Big Nipple? No okay so there was on TV video all this kind of stuff she's not a sex pot I've just looked it up

Starting point is 00:38:18 she was born in New York she's just a ditzy blonde love interest character sidekick Indiana Jones love interest kind of character. It's kind of sexist. Well, here's the thing, I will say that, but they're both openly flirty to each other. It's not like he's a kind of aggressive pussy hunter. No, just the portrayal, you know what I'm saying. Yeah, but they're both flirty in a carry on way, right?

Starting point is 00:38:37 The kind of sex humour wouldn't really go these days is all I'm saying, you know what I'm saying? I don't think it's that offensive though, but what I will say, and this surprised me, and I would love to get hold of this they released Captain Kremen Viewmaster slides and what makes them interesting is that they took slides from the movie or the comic strips and stuff but they were like pert ladies with nipples. Well there's a distinct nipple on the cover. Yeah but it means these are the only ever Viewmaster reels with sexually suggestive content. Oh I was going to say didn't you have one where you could see like Take That's Arsehole?

Starting point is 00:39:08 No, that was those Viewmaster's. That was those little film reels. Those little camera reels. Sneak Peeks or whatever they were called. That's different. This is the Viewmaster clicky slides. You could see right up Robbie's bum. Well, you could see enough of Take That's Arse to know that you've seen enough Take That's Arse. Especially when that woman mops it. Yeah, she puts them up right in between.

Starting point is 00:39:25 And they're all in the jelly. I mean it worked, we're remembering it. So impressive but a bit dull. Well tell you what, give us a price and we'll end this segment with a clip. Now you bought this in, do you happen to recall the actual shop in Muswell Hill? Yes this was again around the corner, it was that, it's a pet one. RSPCA? Yeah no but it's a specific dog charity or something, I can't remember. But it's that one around the corner it was that it's a pet one. RSPCA? Yeah no but it's a specific dog chariot or something I can't remember but it's that one

Starting point is 00:39:48 around the corner. Oh yes I know the one you mean. Opposite the weight cruise. PDSA that is. Is it? I don't know either way that pet bomb. I'm gonna say quid. Could be two.

Starting point is 00:39:56 What do you want to say one or two? I'm gonna say one. Alright. As often you'll find with the price of shite game I think the one price stands out over the years. The quid. And that's the way you've... The quid gambit. Yes, you've played the quid gambit.

Starting point is 00:40:10 Not the Queen's Gambit, the quid's gambit. The quid's gambit. Easy, Eli's playing the quid's gambit. I'm gonna play the quid's gambit on that one. That's a great coinage. Thank you. Quid's gambit. It's Paul's quid's gambit.

Starting point is 00:40:21 Oh, it's Paul's quid's gambit. I don't know, I'm just saying it. It was funny. Hey, it's Paul's quids gambit. I don't know, I'm just saying it. It was funny. Hey, hey, hey. No. Let's play a clip and then we'll come back to the fourth item. Oh, I got it over here.

Starting point is 00:40:31 Oh, what's this going on? You, shh, shh, shh. Get out of both of you. And now, ladies and gentlemen, about the space serial that's full of fabulous digital sound effects. The greatest story in the universe. Kremen of the Star Corps. On this wonderful LP, folks, you'll hear the following fabulous stars.

Starting point is 00:41:00 Oliver Sudden, Lord Elpis, Ann Doverfist, Charlie Sangerl's, Bernie Hpus, Andover Vist, Charlie's Angels, Bernie Housetown, Geriatric, Road A Boat, Sir Aosly Though Folks, Matt O'Horn, Gordon Heaven,

Starting point is 00:41:12 and Claude Your Eyes Out! Here's Crema! Thank you, Franz, thank you! Thank you, thank you! Well, kids, here we are with a fat new adventure! Yeah, he's right, folks! Hey, Captain! What is it? Do I get any big parts in this show? Carly, your parts are too big already.

Starting point is 00:41:28 Hey, folks, before we go any further, let me show you around my latest research and development lab down here through this door. Captain, what are you thinking about? Me, of course. Ah, here we are. Oh, hi, Dr. Getfinger. Ah, hello, Captain.

Starting point is 00:41:46 It's really great to see you. Still falling down on your R, as I hear. Yeah, that is right. Hey, Captain, what's this over here? Oh, that. That's an invention I'm particularly proud of, Carla. I invented it in one of my quiet moments between saving a distant planet from the grasp of an evil alien and freeing a race of oppressed 15-footed midgets from a giant veruca.

Starting point is 00:42:09 As you know, folks, I'm never very far away from a fabulous new adventure. And it starts right here, at this door sound effect. Captain! I have just run old the way from the launch pad. Uh-huh? And the lads down there say that your rocket ship is ready for takeoff. Oh good. Have they filled her up? Oh yes, but they only had two-star.

Starting point is 00:42:30 Oh you idiot, Gitfinger. You know what happens when you fill a rocket ship with two-star? No? You don't get the free glasses. We shot over to the rocket bay. Right, that was item three. Item four is this. It's a book.

Starting point is 00:42:44 A book about London. London, it's amazing and extraordinary. London Underground Facts. Yeah. By Stephen Halliday. It's full of London Underground Facts, Eli. It's a lovely little book. It's a hardback. Yeah. The jacket's still on. Yeah, nice paper sleeve. Nice paper jacket. Little map there, the original one. The original underground, one of the original ones where he hasn't... Where hasn't been uniformed into that very, very famous style. No, and it's... think how confusing that must have been for people. Oh yeah, very. It's a mess when you get to the central London part.

Starting point is 00:43:14 And it's got the pioneers, it's got... I know quite a bit about this. Well good, well done, but I haven't, so I kind of got the book for me to be honest. But it's full of facts and knowledges and bits of info about the London Underground. Charles Tyson Yerkes? You heard his name? Yerkes. Yerkes, Yerkes. No, Yerkes, Yerkes. He didn't do Yerkes, he was a tube lines guy.

Starting point is 00:43:33 Right, what did he do then? You never heard of him? No. He comes up a lot. Why? Because he was an American sort of tycoon guy. Right. He built railways in America.

Starting point is 00:43:42 Okay. He was very involved in the development of the London Underground. Specifically the central and the underground or like those main lines coming in and out, like what became the Metro line, Metropolitan Rail? Persuaded by R.W. Perks, it says here, the ex-solicitor for the Metropolitan Railway to finance the electrification of the District Railway in London. That makes sense then because it was all steam before that. That's incredibly important when the electrification came in.

Starting point is 00:44:06 Because you see those pictures, don't you, of like Baker Street Station and like the trains rolling and just the dust and smog coming out of the train. Imagine that, yeah. Remember we walked behind Baker Street Station and we found the metropolitan, the headquarters of the Metropolitan Railway. Yes. With that really ornate statues above the front door and stuff. Yeah, was that a Patreon thing we did it for?

Starting point is 00:44:26 I think it might have been, yeah. Just one other thing here about Yerkes. By March 1901, Yerkes had control of the district line, forming the Metropolitan District Electric Traction Company in July of that year. Raised one million pounds of capital in America to invest in the company. I didn't know there's that much American money in the birth of the Underground. And he's a dodgy character, Yerkes. He's like... Is that still like something that's a problem today?

Starting point is 00:44:50 Is that... or did they buy out all of those companies, I guess, over the... No, they're all owned by London Underground now, aren't they? Oh look, there's a thing in here. There's a dedication. Dear Isaac, in 2013, congratulations on winning the Expressive Arts Attainment Prize. You have been an amazing role model for your peers and have raised the bar for others. Thought you might find this little book interesting. Lots of info re the underground.

Starting point is 00:45:14 Warm regards, Mrs. Collars, or Collins, Head of Expressive Arts. Oh, that's nice of her. Yeah. I wonder, perhaps they have gone to university and their parents just left it at home and the parents were just clearing it out or something. Yeah, or just passed on. It could be something really sad. Passed on. They express themselves too much in the arts.

Starting point is 00:45:35 No, perhaps they express themselves onto a canvas. I love this. There's a whole segment on accidents and tragedies, like terrorism, murder, wartime tragedies, how many people were killed while sheltering from the bombing in Trafalgar Square. It is a fascinating system, isn't it? The Wargate disaster, is that when the train derailed and went straight past the, we saw video on this. Really?

Starting point is 00:45:55 Because there was something, I can't remember, anyway it's full of facts and fancies isn't it? King's Cross Fire, ooh ghosts! I remember the King's Cross Fire. I mean when was that, late 80s? 88 of them. Yeah, and that had a big effect on the underground. King's Cross is unrecognisable. ghosts. I remember the Kings Cross fire. I mean, when was that 80s? Late 80s? 88s. Yeah. And that's had a big effect on the underground. Kings Cross is unrecognisable. I remember

Starting point is 00:46:09 the old station. I remember when they used to have wooden escalators and used to smoke fags going up and down them. None of that. No wonder. Because that's how it started. It was like a cigarette on the escalator. There was loads of litter from over the years had been sort of underneath the escalator. Right. And like a spark got down there and it just went up, man. You saw, I remember seeing the pictures back in the day on the news. It was fucking terrifying because it's a warren down there. Yeah. And you can't get out of that. To this day, I do, I, King's Cross pisses me off. Why?

Starting point is 00:46:39 Because you have to walk 15 minutes underground on those weird big tunnels and it's just boring. It's not that boring. I know, you have to do it. There's no boring in any other station. I don't like changing train at King's Cross. Fine, I mean I get it. It's a big nexus, isn't it, of different stroking pasts. And you always get...

Starting point is 00:46:55 What's that word? Stroking pasts. I don't know what that means. I've had a stroking past. Oh, what's this? The most hated passenger. One of the underground's less admired contributors to the war effort was Billy Brown, whose sanctimonious homilies were delivered to passengers in a series of cartoons on posters.

Starting point is 00:47:13 They were the brainchild of a cartoonist called David Langdon, whose hero urged passengers to behave like frantic boy scouts and perform a good deed every day. One rhyme advised, Today's good deed, when you travel to and fro, on a line you really know, remember those who aren't so sure and haven't been that way before. Do good deed for the day, tell the stations upon their way. That reminds me, do you remember a few years ago they had a similar thing? The Daily Mail took a hatred to the character and wrote in a paper, someday very soon by

Starting point is 00:47:44 heck, Billy Brown I'll wring your neck. Well. They haven't calmed down since. No, but do you remember Paul, there was a few years ago a similar campaign on the Tube where they'd have little verses of poetry. They still have it don't they? No, not the real poetry that you get. Oh, right.

Starting point is 00:47:59 They go, please move down inside the car, da da da da da, you know? Yeah. Do you remember those? I do. And they were terribly written and didn't scan properly and it was just like written by idiots. I think the phrase was tossed off. They were really tossed off, at least the Billy Brown ones, they actually had a proper rhyme structure. But I can imagine just seeing that on the Underground as like, fuck off, yeah. Tell me what to fucking do. Fuck you Billy Brown, you fuck. Fuck himself.

Starting point is 00:48:24 The London Underground is the world's most extensive underground network with 253 miles of tracks serving 274 stations as of 2013 of course when this was written. There's probably been a... Quite a few. I think of the Elizabeth line for a start. There was those three ones on the Northern Line extension. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:48:39 We went down there. Yeah. Brent Cross West. What's the longest underground line, Eli? What is it? I believe it's Piccadilly? Central, 46 miles, serving 49 stations. The longest journey that can be made without changing trains is from West Ryslip to Epping on the Central Line, a distance of 34 miles. The longest tunnel is between East Finchley and Morgan. Yeah, I knew that. Finishes at East Finchley, Morgan. Yeah I knew that finishes at East Finchley yeah. The shortest distance between adjacent stations is between?

Starting point is 00:49:07 Ah is it? I think this is quite obvious but wrong. Leicester Square and Covent Garden. Is correct. Boom! 285 yards between them. Yeah because you've seen videos of someone who parkour's it. Have you seen that? Yes I have seen that. Someone stays on the tube and then they get on the same tube. It's pretty fucking fun that though. Yeah. And finally just for the fun of it the longest distance between stations is? How much do you think is the distance? Between two stations. Yeah. It's pretty fucking fun that though. Yeah. Yeah. And finally, just for the fun of it, the longest distance between stations is, how much do you think is the distance? Between two stations? Yeah. It's going to be somewhere out. It's out your

Starting point is 00:49:30 way, isn't it? It is out my way, yeah. It's like Harrow to... I tell you what, it is on the Met Line. It's to Watford. It's between the last one before Watford and Watford. It's that area. It's 3.9 miles between the stations and it is between Chalfont and Latimer to Chesham. I think that's a bit of a cheat. I might be wrong on that, but I think that's because if you take the fast train, it skips a load of stations. So strictly speaking, if you get the regular one, you go to more stops, but the fast might be between those two. I see.

Starting point is 00:50:00 Anyway, how much is book? Book is in good condition. Now remember I said that overall we're talking 22 pound tops right? And so you add up everything I've got now. Eight pound. So far and this is the fourth item. Yeah. So I have to make a lot up don't I? Yeah you do but what for now what do you think the book is?

Starting point is 00:50:19 Three pounds. Okay and now we're on. Then I'm going to go back and I'm going to revise all of these. Yeah of course. Massage them, of course. Massage them. Of course. Like a Wagyu beef cow.

Starting point is 00:50:28 Yes, lucky Wagyu beef cow. I'm gonna feed them beer and then fucking do the big rollers. Right, why are you looking at me like that? You've been scrabbing your whole, the whole, let's be clear, the whole of your junk in your hand. Yeah, the whole of it. And giving it the pure vertical lift shaft movement. Vertical, all the axes, front and back, in and out. No, you haven't gone, no don't,

Starting point is 00:50:50 I don't want any front and back. I haven't been round and round have I? Let me take you round the world, let me take you round the world. Stop it! Oh, the jostling. Stop the jostlingations. Go on, what you say, item five. This last item is never going to be, how much does it need to be now? Like £11 or something. Yeah, £11. But let's find out. I mean, it could be... It's not though. It is this. It's a game, a board game by Looney Goose called Drop the Beat, the original rap party game. Me and Eli are going to start rapping.

Starting point is 00:51:21 Oh dear. And so basically it's a game where you pick cards and you have to improvise raps. It even comes with a microphone to hold, even though it's just a dummy one. It's a dummy mic, is it? Yo. It gives you more of a, yeah. Drop the beat, yo.

Starting point is 00:51:34 Okay. And then there comes with a button because the game is kind of like. Does it give you a beat? No. Oh. I know, it's sad. Can you click your fingers?

Starting point is 00:51:41 Can we click our fingers for each other? Yeah, of course you can. But this is a button, it's a bit like, you know, just a minute where no hesitation, no repetition, no whatever. So you have to rap, but if I think like you do repetition, I go. Yeah, but that's part of my.

Starting point is 00:51:53 I dropped it. You dropped it. But what if repetition is part of my style, my flow? That's my flow, man. I'm gonna have to, there's a diss track. Oh, this is brand new. Oh, it's brand new, actually. I thought this.

Starting point is 00:52:02 There's cellophane's all on the little elements there in the box. What's this? I'm up for playing this. Word card, silk, I don't know. You have to incorporate, read the rules mate. The rules are there. Oh yeah, here are the rules. Oh there's some kind of postcard stand thing, what's that?

Starting point is 00:52:16 It's that part of the game. That's a score card. The player, crew name, your score, complete around, I mean we're not going to play the proper rules. Maybe in a future episode we can come back to this. Okay. We do like to have a little wrap off, don't we? That's another tradition. You did the first live show we did, you did a whole Silverman wrap. I did. So begin by deciding whether players want to play as individuals or part of a crew.

Starting point is 00:52:38 Each player takes an encore token, a diss track token and a rewind token. Place the topic cards and the word cards face down in the center of the playing surface in two separate piles along with the buzzer. Oh, I'm gone. We've perused the rules, and now I'm just gonna break it down very quickly. We're gonna take turns in this, right?

Starting point is 00:52:57 So what happens is you take a topic card, I'm just gonna take this top one as an example. It says the internet. So I'd have to rap about the internet. These rhyming words, they say you can use to get in. You don't have to, but they can help you. And then related topics, website, Google. So this section of the card is a little cheat sheet for you, right? So you can get some words in. Yeah. Then you pick a word card and this is just a random word. And if you somehow manage to get

Starting point is 00:53:20 into the rap, you get an extra point. Show me an example of a word card, please. They've got two words on them. No, it's they're all stuck together. No, they've got two words on them. No, they don't. Just the one. No, they've got two words on them, on the card. They don't.

Starting point is 00:53:34 One card has the word book. Why does it say word? Because that's the word. It's like word. Yeah, word. It's not like word. It's like word to your mama. It's confusing if you only looked at one because it would look like it had the word word on it as well as the other word. It's not like word, it's like word to your mama. It's confusing if you only looked at one because it would look like it had the word word on

Starting point is 00:53:47 it as well as the other word. Well it's got the word word twice though on front and back, so you just wouldn't read the word, you'd read the word that wasn't word wouldn't you? Well Edward would, would, would, wouldn't he? Ee wah woo wah, bing bong boo. Right, so then you've got 30 seconds to rap on that subject as best you can with your little cheat sheet. Cheating over.

Starting point is 00:54:04 Eggie woof-der. And then you rap.. Turn it over. Eggie woof-der. And then you rap. Now. When I say eggie woof-der, that's the egg timer. If the player manages to make it until the timer runs out without being buzzed, they can drop the mic and score five points. Oh, you've got to drop the mic. And six if they include the bonus word from that pile.

Starting point is 00:54:19 Is dropping the mic from rap or is it from comedy? Yeah, it's like a diss track, innit? It's like, you're motherfucka gonna go down. Yeah, he's dropped the mic. I just did, from rap or is it from comedy? Yeah, it's like a diss track, isn't it? It's like, you're motherfucker gonna go down. Yeah, he's dropped the mic. I just did. You might have heard it. I know, but I thought that was from the world of comedy rather than the world of battle rap. I don't think so, because I think the whole roast thing

Starting point is 00:54:34 is a spin off of a rap battle, but in comedy form. Do you want to go? And so you get buzzed, right? If the player is ready, the player must rap for 30 seconds. If the player pauses too long, gets tongue tied or fails to rhyme in their rap, I can hit the buzzer and stop you. And then your turn is over. Alright.

Starting point is 00:54:53 Right, I'm going to give you the microphone. Here comes the disaster. Right, ready? This is the calm before the... Do I have to go first then? You pick a card, yeah, you're going to pick a card. Because he knows he's better at me than me at this. We might be surprised.

Starting point is 00:55:04 No. And now... I. We might be surprised. No. And now... I'm gonna be terrible. For the word card. I'll pick a word card, an extra brucy bonus one. There we go. Okay, do I have to show you what the word is? Yeah, all I'm doing is keep buzzing you if I don't like...

Starting point is 00:55:16 If you fuck up, you've got to rap for 30 seconds. So your extra word is tree, and what's the topic you've got us rap about? Waterfall. Okay, so what else is in there? You can tell us all what's on the card. Waterfall. So what's the topic you've got us rap about? Waterfall. Okay, so what else is in there? You can tell us all what's on the card. Waterfall. So what's it saying you can crack?

Starting point is 00:55:28 The rhyming words I can use are crawl, maul, call, beach ball, above all. Related topics, it's got as well, swim and adventure. And my word is tree. I am ready. Hit me with your rap. I'm going to turn it over. Ready? Do you want me to click or you just grab yourself?

Starting point is 00:55:50 I'll get into it. Okay. Ready? Three, two, one, go. Uh huh. I was up a tree and I saw a waterfall below me. And I... Oh, come on, mate. Can I start again? I have to turn the timer back over now. God that

Starting point is 00:56:08 was wow. Pooey stink buffs. Cut that out, please. No, everyone should see you're working out. I'm an entertainer. You're, are you? Right, ready? This is go to. Three, two, one, wrap. There in me, up a tree, and I see a waterfall below me. I crawl to the waterfall and it's in the mall and... Fuck off! Fucking stupid game! I hate it! I hate you! God! Just when you get confronted with your huge lack of talent like that. It really hurts. I couldn't do it.

Starting point is 00:56:46 I can't do it. I'm going to rap about peanut butter. And I can use the words stutter, clutter, mutter, clutter, footer. Oh, God, you got a good one. Do you want me to pick another one? No. And then relating topics are sandwich and crunchy.

Starting point is 00:56:58 And what's your word? Oh, I'm going to pick it now. Quiet. Oh, that'd be tough. I get a bonus point if I can get quiet here. What do you want? Oh, you want the button. Here we go. I want the button. What am I looking for? Repetition or you fuck up anyway? Tongue tight, pausing for too long. But you can repeat yourself. I think that's fine.

Starting point is 00:57:14 Okay. All right. I have the egg timer. Yes. Ready? Sorry, it's peanut butter that you're talking about. Yes, I am. Ready? You can tell me when to start. Two, three, go two three go yo everybody I'm Ganon MC and I'm gonna tell you all what I like for tea all my favorite type of but he has something of a spread that's kind of nutty I've taken out the jar I put it on me lap I take the jar lid off oh it's full of crap palm oil all that stuff all that salt all that butter but I'm putting it on my bread because I don't want to stutter I've got my flutter on a go today I want to see that peanut butter with jam hey hey although it's an American thing I like to see oh put that peanut butter all

Starting point is 00:57:51 over me I like it crunchy and sweet. Over time we're done. Look at that! Drop the mic! I'm dropping the mic. Right can I have one more go that Very good. I was very, very good, wasn't I? Very, very good. You're acting like a big egotistical rapper now as well. Word to your mother. Alright. Right, okay, next one. I'll spread the cards out. Okay, you're picking up on that, Paul.

Starting point is 00:58:16 Now, my topic is stress. I'm picking up what you're putting down. My topic is stress. Rhyme words, mess, possessed, depressed, guessed, nonetheless. I mean, that could have been your rap, full stop. Related topics. Just do this now. Get out of the way, depressed, guessed, nonetheless. I mean that could have been your rap full stop. Related topics. Just do this now, get out the way shall we? Shut up.

Starting point is 00:58:28 Related... don't start that. Yeah, go on. Related topics, feeling and freaked out. Oww! Alright, cool. In that case, I'll leave you... Let me give you like 10 seconds to have a little think, because I think that's only fair.

Starting point is 00:58:39 Have a little think. Shut up! Don't patronise me. Alright then... I don't need no time to think! I'm going straight in! Right, rap! No, hang on! You just fucking said... thing shut up don't patronize me i don't need no time to think i'm going straight in no hang on you just fucking said turn it over turn it over i need like two seconds all right okay

Starting point is 00:58:52 i'll give you a couple of seconds while you like i might need it shut up talking and think and i'll explain that i'm about to turn the egg timer over so here we go eli is now going to be rapping about stress we've heard the context we've heard theming words, and we've got an extra word called rainbow. So, are you ready Mr Silverman? Your rap begins in three, two, one, rap. I woke up this morning and I was yawning and I looked outside, it was dawning. I am stressed, my house is a mess and all of the things that I possess, I guess they're

Starting point is 00:59:23 gone, they're out the window. I've got a large Bendigo. I've got... There we go. You know what though? I will say this. It was better than last time. That might be the best rap you've ever done on the spot in Cheap Show ever.

Starting point is 00:59:37 I will say that might be. It was the most consistent. It had the same pattern and rhythm. I think you did all right there. I did better than the last time, that's for sure. But please everyone remember, I am, I do have abilities, they're not in the rap game. And this is literally a rap game.

Starting point is 00:59:52 It is a rap game. Are you going again? Yeah, I'm on edge. Oh, you big show off. Oh, it's Halloween. Pass me the boo-boob and the egg-boob. And the boo-boob. This is the last go you're going.

Starting point is 01:00:01 My topic is Halloween. Oh, that's a good topic for you. I can use words like mean, seen, queen, between between 18. Why does it have to rhyme with Halloween? That's weird related topics vampires and pumpkins. Why does it have to rhyme with Halloween? I thought there was gonna be random words that rhyme and not words that specifically rhyme with the word Halloween Well, that's the point. I know but it makes what's your random word kick. Oh, I didn't say tree or rainbow there, did I? No, it's alright. No, it was way too... You said when you go. I think you were going there.

Starting point is 01:00:27 I was, wasn't I? Yeah, I didn't quite get there. Oh, I should get extra points for that. No. No, because I said... I want you to be aware that so far you've scored no points. No. And I have five points. And that's how the game goes.

Starting point is 01:00:38 I didn't even use the word, did I? The other one, whatever the word was. No, you're going to try and get kick into this, your Halloween rap. Are you ready? Yeah, I think so. Hang on. Okay. No, you're going to try and get kick into this, your Halloween rap. Are you ready? I think so. Hang on. Okay. Three, two, one. At that time of year, Christian Stink is the worst.

Starting point is 01:00:50 I've got to tell you everybody, I love October 31st. It's Halloween, the dream, my favourite scene. I like dressing up as ghosts that are gooey and green. Sometimes vampires too. I like the fangs. They give me the erection that gives me the pang in my pants. The dance, the Halloween thrill Oh frill it as well by Michael Jackson. That's a killer cuz I like it when we go out to a trick-or-treating

Starting point is 01:01:10 I don't know where we put our feet down when we're feeding and we're walking up the street. Oh, I'm sorry I'll give you that Yeah, it was I was with you I was with you Paul, but when you said when we're feeding, you've given up on English there haven't you? Yeah. But not bad, I mean I nearly got it. Not bad mate. How far off was I? Couldn't have been that far off.

Starting point is 01:01:30 Oh, not that far off at all, about that much. Oh yeah, that's fine. Well done Paul, that was good. But it's funny how you've got those micro gap, micro pauses in there. Yeah. Isn't that funny? Yeah, but that's what you use because otherwise I can't think. I know, but isn't it funny how you can actually hear that tiny, tiny pause when you're thinking of it?

Starting point is 01:01:46 Yeah, but anyway, it's now up to you, Noiseland, to take those tracks and make something brilliant with them. I think the internet deserves... Anyway, how much do you think this game costs? Fiverr, at least, I think. I think it could be like £8. I think it's £8.50. You're saying that now because you know how under you are and you're trying to make it up on this last one. I think it's probably six or seven quid. I think it's more than a fiver because it was new. All right.

Starting point is 01:02:10 And you see games. I'll tell you this to help you out. This one was over a fiver. Yeah, I think it's like 850. Can I put 850? Yeah. And now let's, okay, I'll tell you what, the locked in, I'm gonna go back over the five now

Starting point is 01:02:21 and you can reevaluate, all right? Please. I'm going to go back over the five now and you can reevaluate. All right, please. Right, let's start from the top. We begin with a Tiffington. You said 450. Would you like to change that now? Shall I tell you what you've got all in? 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19. Altogether, that was 19 on that.

Starting point is 01:02:42 I only need to put about a quid more on. Yeah but if you're out on a price one way or the other it's going to knock on the effect of all the other prices you might be right on. I just think I need to make something a bit more expensive. Anyway the tin, how much do you think the tin was? You said 450 originally. I think I'm going to go five on the nose for the tin okay. Five on the nose for the tin. The hat. How much do you think? I said 250 did I? Monopoly hat. You said 250. I'm gonna go 225. Try and get between there. Right, so so far that's five, six, seven pounds and 25p, right? Yeah. Just we're gonna do it as we go. The album, the Kenny Everett album. Let's just say two pounds on that. Captain Krem and album. Let's say two pounds. They often

Starting point is 01:03:22 are two pounds now in charity shops, but albums they're almost never like a split quid figure for those. They're almost always rounded up or down. Sometimes they used to be 50p, they're always a quid now or two. So I'm going to say two. Well some places are over pricing their vinyl full stuff now. I think two quid generally is too much if you're just going to say all vinyl, two quid. Yeah. But you can still get some deals there. Right. But it's when they end up, when there's someone who doesn't understand, looks it up on Discogs, if you're just going to say all vinyl, two quid. Yeah. But you can still get some deals there. Right.

Starting point is 01:03:45 But it's when they end up, when there's someone who doesn't understand looks it up on Discogs. What people don't understand about Discogs is that's the mint price they're giving you there. Yeah, VG plus or something. And also, you know what, I don't care. You said £2, we get to move on. Discogs is a wild west where people go put stupid high prices. We just hope it's the suckers.

Starting point is 01:04:03 We've said this before. We've said this before. This is all this is rote. Moving on. The book, the underground book. You said £3 originally. Do you want to stick or twist? I'm going to stick on £3. I think that's a reasonable and common price for those books. So so far we have five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, twenty five, twelve pounds and twenty five pence, which means this rap game you said was 8.50. Yeah. And you want to stick with that?

Starting point is 01:04:27 I do call it eight. Right. You're looking those in five pound, two 50, two pound, three pound, eight pound. That's right. Let's reveal the scores. Here we go. You said to get some per twings here. Let's see.

Starting point is 01:04:38 I want to get some per twings here. The tin you said was five pound, the Tiffin tin, the Tiffin tin. And our survey said eight pounds for that. The costliest of the items. Oh no. The hat. Oh no. I can smell the shit in the room. Wafting my way. You can tell when you get something out by three quid and the window's 22. So you said the hat you said two pound twenty five.2.25 for the hat. It was £4. Wow! Oh I fucked it. You have... Oh I'm getting the doughnut. You've taken Randy Dog and you've filled it with your grey matter. Right, the album you said was £2. Don't tell me it was a quid. It was £2.25. Oh! Was it? Yeah! Are you joking? What? No one's ever heard of that price for a record.

Starting point is 01:05:29 That's stupid! Jesus, mate, that whole fucking statement about album prices and £2. That's why- That's fucking stupid! The book. At least I get a Pertwing for there. I get one Pertwing there, don't I? You do! Yes, thank you. Good.

Starting point is 01:05:44 There's your Pertwing. Fucking £ I get one Pertwing there, don't I? You do! Yes, thank you. Good. There's your Pertwing. Fucking £2.25. That's so funny. Right, okay. Book. I said three. And it was? It's the Underground book. £2. So nothing there either. I've got one Pertwing for the whole thing, everybody.

Starting point is 01:05:59 The rap game. You said £8. Survey said £6. £5 for the board game. the rap game was five pounds. I was going to say five pounds. You said it was more than five. Well, you lied. I didn't. You fucking play it back.

Starting point is 01:06:14 Well, I know what I said. You said the board game is over five. I said it was more than five. Yeah, which is not five. Five would be five. Five is not four. If I said it was more than nothing, nothing would still count as a price, wouldn't it?

Starting point is 01:06:23 No, it wouldn't. It was more than a pound. No, just admit you're wrong. You're wrong on basic logic. Maybe I misled you. You're wrong on basic logic. This isn't even maths. I purposely misled you.

Starting point is 01:06:32 You misled me on purpose and lied. I'm bringing the fucking joke-nicker back. Whatever he's called. What did you say? I'm going to cut that out. You fucking idiot. Anyway, look, no matter what, no matter what, even if you said £6, which you nearly said as well, you were wrong. You were out by a considerable amount. So I can give you

Starting point is 01:06:49 your one betwing. I get one. Betwing! Duh! But thank you for playing. I hope you enjoyed yourself. And that's this week's The Price of Shite. Which was your favourite item of the lot, Paul, do you think? I actually like the London Underground book.

Starting point is 01:07:03 Yeah, lots of good stuff in there. A nice toilet reader, kind of, you know? I like the Tiffin Tin, am I able to take the Tiffin Tin home? You know what as a complimentary prize you can have the Tiffin Tin. Thank you I might use it next time we do a picnic style walkabout episode Paul and I'm really you know what I'm really looking forward to tasting every single brand of Desperado that I can get in my local shops. No yeah we are. We're going to do the brand Desperado tasting I can get in my local shops. Oh yeah, we are. We're going to do the brand Desperado tasting incident. I think what we should do is our next walkabout, if on a good sunny day, needs to be a Desperado Boys Out or something.

Starting point is 01:07:34 So that's going to be fun. Yeah, that'll be fun. Right, let's wrap this show up. As ever, as we wrap this show up, we like to direct your attention to our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. That's your one stop shop because if you go there, there are links to all of our social media pages and stuff. There's a dedicated page for every episode of the podcast with pictures and sometimes videos.

Starting point is 01:07:58 There's also links to our new ongoing series Cheap Shots. Episode two is now up. We play screwball Scramble 2, what else? There's also links to our Patreon, because lots of lovely people who listen to us support us on Patreon, it is patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show, give what you can but only if you can. Thank you. And you'll get access to magazines and extra podcasts and videos and behind the scenes

Starting point is 01:08:19 stuff and whatever we can rustle up that month. Paul? Yeah? We also have a PO box. We do. If you want to send things. We're still on the lookout for that pickled flavoured Heinz ketchup limited edition. Yes, I just want to now give you the PO box address because some people go I can't find it. Well it's on our webpage, the front page of that. Don't be too sarky, let's not be too nasty. It's also on every episode in

Starting point is 01:08:40 the episode description. After all these are listeners of our podcast who want to give us stuff. Just because they call the people have managed and we haven't been so sarky. Anyway, it's cheap show PO box 1309 Harrow H a one nine Q J and all stuff there. Oh, we can announce something as well. You know, we've got our live show in October as part of the Cheerful Eiffel podcast. Links on our website and also look for Cheap Show on Cheerful Eiffel's website. But we can now announce our first guest and it's going to be Suze Kempner. Brilliant.

Starting point is 01:09:16 Suze Kempner will be joining us. I mean, I've got a kind of idea lined up as a kind of face off event that will lead to a three time spicy noodle finale. That's fantastic. A hilarious comedian, Suze Kempner. Joining us for our live show, go to our website, thecheapshow.co.uk and get your tickets while you can, because I think we're running out. I think we're running out. We sold loads of them.

Starting point is 01:09:36 Brilliant. I'm really looking forward to that, Paul. But just before... I'm just going to take the last sip now of the Ooloo Dag. Ooloo Dag. Ooloo Dag. Just wash it down. Yeah, Paul wanted a orange soda today and I've bought him possibly the best example of it. One of the best, yeah. These little Uludag Turkish sodas are the like of which you don't really get in the English market these days, do you? No, not in the same way. Just one thing, the professor, he's been bugging me. He's actually not doing jokes now. He's

Starting point is 01:10:04 stealing sort of observational stuff stuff so just let him do it by all means bring him in come on come on back come on joke nicker i'm a professor joke stealer oh is it i can't remember what your name is is professor joke stealer or professor joke nicker oh you know what just in case we verbally fuck something up let's go with professor joke professor jug thief yeah just from this point on ladies and gentlemen, canonically speaking, cause me fucking god is locking in Professor Joke Thief. Hello everybody, hello there.

Starting point is 01:10:34 I'm Professor of Jokers Stealing, Professor Joke Thief. And I've been doing some observational stuff for now, and I'd perhaps you'd like to hear a bit of my observational stuff. I'd love to hear you doing someone else's observational material, yes. What about that airplane food? I go up in the airplane, what about that food? It's bad, that food, it made me sick. Very bad food. I'm going to go, I'll go now.

Starting point is 01:11:00 Why did he get to do all this material? Cardinal, I do my own way. I do my material. Why is it dogs don't fucking lick my balls? Why is it dogs like my fucking balls but not my shaft? What's all that about, eh? Who is this man? He's a very rude. Why is it when I have orgies in my little house?

Starting point is 01:11:17 Why is it, oh what the matter with all these orgies? What's that then? Why is your house stink of sex, they say? Why do I have to open up windows when the Pope come round because my house stinks of cunt goodbye everyone Cardinal sin everybody I think we should kill him off and there goes Professor Joe so it's fucking possible both of them bye everybody bye everybody bye god I hate this I hate this. I hate us. I'm loving it.

Starting point is 01:11:47 And Nickaday as well, from McDonald's. Do-do-do-do-do-do. I'm fucking it. That's it, stop.

CheapShow - Ep 392 Professor Joke Thief

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