CheapShow - Ep 393: Popcorn And Polk

Starting point is 00:00:00 I've had enough mutagen have you? Relax Paul, I just want you to relax this week. Have you just been guzzling enough fucking energy? Yeah ha ha ha. Toxic energy juice have you? Okay Paul. Glug glug glug glug glug. It's like your spinach is it? Is it your Popeye spinach? Okay Paul. Your energy drink isn't it? Da da da da da da da. He's Eli the lonely man. He lives in a caravan. And when he gets silly he pulls out his willies. Eli the sailor man. What's that got to do with Red Bull, me pulling out my willy? But! The Red Bull! I'm not going to rise! I'm going to make the Red Bull! I'll pull out the old

Starting point is 00:00:30 Red Bull! That's not, no one's ever made it. Ohhhhh! Squirt some hot matter out your balls eye. I think we should start again Paul. I think it's... I don't know, I think... I think it's you coming in with your, why don't you just be calm Paul? I thought we were going to do a calm, a nice calming moment. I've got a lot of, there's a lot I want to express. There's a lot of emotions I want to express. Well I don't want to hear it because it's going to lead nowhere. This is going to lead nowhere. Is it?

Starting point is 00:00:52 Where's it leading? What's the emotion? Come on, what do you want to say to me? Then don't relax. I'm frustrated. No, don't, yes, you're frustrated with what? This? Me? Life? Everything. So don't bring that to the cold open. Don't, why just, you start every day, every time we do this, me, life, everything. So don't bring that to the cold open. Why just, you start every day, every time we do this, you do this. I'm just doing something behind the scenes. Yeah, alright, so I like to have an energy drink. They're legal, are they not legal?

Starting point is 00:01:18 So I like to have an energy drink, a sugar free one, I don't mind adding, everybody, because I, you know what what Paul I'm watching my way Yeah from a distance as I write as it expands to the Yeah, but I can hedge you at the pass you hedged me at the part I'm here. I'm here. You know what that red balls just started to kick in good. I'm glad it has Because the relax my hand was all Poohy all it took was you to insult me a little bit. Good.

Starting point is 00:01:48 Insulted me a little bit. Da da da da da da da and I get to ring pull and then I pour it down my throat. Fucking hell. That's close enough. No, it's not close enough. It's close enough. It's not close enough, Paul. It's close enough for me. You know what? I'm close enough. I'm touching cloth. I'm not touching cloth everybody.

Starting point is 00:02:26 Oh, God bless you. Hello everybody. Hello and welcome to Cheap Show. Cheap Show. Can you relax? Just before we start Paul, can you just relax please? I'm already in a state of absolute zen. Are you? Oh.

Starting point is 00:02:48 Can you feel all of the the tingles in the in the extremities all evening out? Washing away like the sand of time. Death death descends like a blanket. A blanket of nothingness. Smothers the mind. And here we are in the little cupboard of Nowhereland. Squeaky squeak. Who's outside? Who's outside the cupboard?

Starting point is 00:03:22 No, we'll go with the first one, yeah? Let's go with the first cold open. Because I like that one as well, they were both good. They were both good. I was getting in weird, into a cupboard land. Into the cupboard land. Like only in folded dimension. I was seeing vibrations as I omned.

Starting point is 00:03:37 No, like a very claustrophobic, in folded dimension. Like what? Like being inside an envelope, inside a black hole. Yeah. Totally. Yeah. Let's do it again then. Like on the other envelope inside a black hole? Yeah. Yeah. Totally. Yeah. Yeah. Let's do it again then. Like on the other side, like in Interstellar, and I'm going, hello, I'm pushing a book out. I'm pushing a book out.

Starting point is 00:03:54 Guilty. Why am I guilty? I'm not guilty. What are you saying? Forgiveness. Forgiveness. Thank you. What are you?

Starting point is 00:04:03 Are you some kind of node? Are you some kind of black hole dwelling node? I need more from you actually than just a noise. Sin. Sin. Oh are you a... Are you some kind of Catholic node from the real land. Onanism? Onanism? Onanism? Are you, are you, is this eternity for me? Just can I check? How long will this be? No, I'm talking to Paul. Forever! Not the node! Let us play in the infinity of forever! That is a type of infinity, that's for sure. One, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one,

Starting point is 00:04:47 one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one Let's just do the cold open all day long. Cheap Show time.

Starting point is 00:05:12 Hello everyone, welcome to Cheap Show. Are we behind the credits now? No, this is another cold open. What other podcast does this many cold opens? Not many podcasts. Not another. That's what makes us unique. So this is our third cold open. The triumvirate. Yeah. How do we want to do this one then? Let's make this one special. Let's just do it normal. I think you should calm down. Alright. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:05:33 Oh, I've had a wank. Oh, I'm glass. Bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bing bong, b that's it, we've reached peak shit. Peak shit? Mount shitness? No, peak shit next to Mount Scat. I'm rolling down the tumbling tree of Mount Scat.

Starting point is 00:05:55 I'm rolling down the tumbling tree of Mount Scat. The chubby bulbous brown lumps are all jumbling down. Oh, they're rolling, raining down. This is it, this is nonsense. This is the last one. Welcome to Cheap Show, I promise. I promise we're doing it properly. This is it. This is nonsense. This is the last one. Welcome to cheap show I promise I promise we're doing it properly Calm down Welcome to Cheap Show.

Starting point is 00:06:33 Oh, I'm glad I used the 15 second version of our credit sequence or that would be interminable to sit through. You mean the theme tune? Yes. That's a nice truncated version that you're using these days, Paul. To Noiseland who supplied them. He supratted them. He surprised them.

Starting point is 00:06:49 Right. So, welcome to Cheap Show. Hello, everybody. It is a podcast. It is a podcast. It's what you listen to. It's an audio entertainment service. We're the hosts of this podcast. My name is Paul. His, I believe, is... Eli. Hello, everybody. And the last time I checked, this podcast is called Cheap Show. Cheap Show, everybody. Let me just check my notes.

Starting point is 00:07:08 Yes, it's a podcast about finding the fun in the frugal. You know what I mean? In the frugal. The fun in the frugal. Yeah. You almost got that. I know. But I got it. We workshopped it. You stole my idea and just took out the R.

Starting point is 00:07:21 You don't know what the word frugal means. Fugal. Why did you say frugal? Fugal means nothing. Although it's got a good sound to it. I like it. F R. You don't know what the word frugal means. Fugal. Why did you say frugal? Fugal means nothing. Although it's got a good sound to it. I like it. Fugal. Fugal. Oh, can you put your hand up my fugal?

Starting point is 00:07:31 Oh dear. She came back with a big bag of fugals. Oh, I fucking put one in my dick. Oh, you see, right there. Fugal hanging out my twang the fugal. Twang the fugal. Oh, I'm getting lovely Fugle vibrations. We've set a bad precedent.

Starting point is 00:07:47 I've had a Fugle noodle. Have you ever heard of it? This is a totally normal podcast about two guys. Fugle noodle. Going to charity shops and bargain bins and poundlands et al and bringing back the treasure we find amongst that trash. And I need to just assure everyone.

Starting point is 00:08:01 This is a normal podcast. We haven't been on the bugle. No. What's that thing? That's Dougal's bugle Dougal's bugle oh Dougal's bugle it's futile what is fugal isn't that a word for war or something feudal no feudal feudal is the system that came before early capitalism where I think you lived on the King's land and frugal just tax, the tithes of what you made, you gave him a proportion of what you made. Right, but Frugal is being saving, which is why it works.

Starting point is 00:08:31 Yeah. Works with the Cheap Show intro. But, so the word... The treasure amongst the trash, the fun in the Frugal. But there is no word... The fun in the Frugal, it's coming off my lips, it is a classic, an instant classic that you need to incorporate. Right, well I'm glad almost 400 episodes in, we've got it.

Starting point is 00:08:46 We've finally nailed the format. Cheesus Web. Cheesus Web. So there's no such thing as Fugle then. Do you know who my Cheesus is? Who's your Cheesus? Camembert, that's my favourite cheese. What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a cave?

Starting point is 00:09:00 Camembert. Did you just make that up? No, that's an old one. Oh, that is an old one, isn't it? Yeah, I just thought, I'm glad it tickled you. Watch out, because the Professor... Who? I don't know, are we talking about a character now? Professor Joke Thief, the one from last week.

Starting point is 00:09:16 Oh yeah, no, that was alright, wasn't it? But let's just put him in our back pocket for a week, shall we? I've already said we're going to do Platters later. Oh, hello, wait, by the way, we're going to do Platters later. What's coming up on the show today? Thank you. We're gonna do platters later on where we go through some unusual Records found on a six or twelve inch piece of vinyl six is a very unusual inch length for a vinyl That's what I thought as well. I'm sure there have been some six inch ones, but they're like kiddie ones No, what's the biggest record in the world? Do we know we know? It's one of these ones that they used to use especially for radio stations.

Starting point is 00:09:50 Oh yes this is right. They had pre-recorded because they wanted to be able to play music for a long time like a concerto and I believe it's around 26 inches the big ones they used to use. Well there you go that's the kind of facts that we sometimes do offer out on this podcast. Anyway yeah so it's not about unusual shaped vinyl though. For us, it's all about novelty, comedy, sometimes we cover and weird instrumentals and crass nonsense. But there's going to be a linking segment, isn't there? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I just want to say before we get into the platters this week, I've boarded up a track bot. Oh, thank God. Because he was going to come out and look, it says two purposes. One, he doesn't come out and just interrupt us and

Starting point is 00:10:27 annoy us and two, no one can get in there to wank off. Yeah but I've been something's been gnawing at those... No no I took some poly filler and I filled in all the holes and all the cracks so it's hermetically sealed inside. What when we need to use Trackbot or return him to the manufacturer? It's fine for now just for this week he's all sealed up and he's fast asleep. I think I can hear him scratching there Paul I think. I can hear him drowning in luck. What's that?

Starting point is 00:10:53 Trackbot drowning in luck. Paul, this is cruel, I can't bear it. Trackbot no! You can't just leave him in there like that. Trackbot no! He heard us talking about platters, that's woken him up. He's got platters in his, that's woken him up. Can you hear me Trackbot? Can you hear me in there?

Starting point is 00:11:10 Oh, Trackbot! Who had a number one with Dancing Queen? Dennis Waterman! Oh, poor trackbot. Poor trackbot. So that's later on, but what are we going to do before that? Well, we are going to sample some snacks with a bit of a theme. Like Blackpool Rock, the words popcorn are right through the middle of this week's episode. So we're going to be trying out some unusual popcorn, which has been given to us by Yven.

Starting point is 00:11:43 And interestingly enough, Yven, who helps us out in the podcast, does the magazines for us, has given us tons of amazing content over the years is currently making their own book. So Yven has got a book that's coming up, limited editions, basically to raise money for it. Yven's selling prints of a piece of art they've done and so all I'm gonna say is if you're interested in helping support Yven who has helped support Cheap Show in the past, numerous occasions, just go to the Twitter, stroke X account, which is at event underscore NL IV E N N E underscore capital N, capital L and go and

Starting point is 00:12:20 help event out with their project. Right. So we have several different popcorn products to taste today. We do and we will be in the course of this show. Not right now but mark you, but over the course of this episode. Mark I? Mark you. You've heard that phrase haven't you?

Starting point is 00:12:36 Mark you. I'm marking. Mark you. I'm giving it a little mark now. Here we go with dick based stuff. No it wasn't a dick. Well you pointed at it. I'm just pointing at the general chocolate and lemonade area.

Starting point is 00:12:49 Right, your front and back factories. Both. Both the uptown factory and then when you go down the docks. Round the back, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the rough part of the city. Yeah, no, I know. Front of house, warehouse. That's what it is, isn't it? Front of house, it's all show. Back house, it's where all the...

Starting point is 00:13:07 It's all business. It's all the sewage. Yes. Anyway... It's all the product. All the waste product. Yeah, being churned out into... Pooh and wee wee wee, we're talking about, everyone. Into the, uh, potty.

Starting point is 00:13:18 Into the potty hole. Now... Oh yes, and I've also want to say, look what I've ended. Tiny little paper popcorn pockets. I thought those were that, and I didn't know, I couldn't. We should put a popcorn in each one when we eat it. You only get one nugget, one kernel in each. Yeah. Oh can I put those on my shelf? Yeah you can when we're done yeah that's lovely innit what a lovely thing I've ended for no real reason other than the fact that you know events talented. Little mini popcorn buckets is what they are Paul. Right then. Not popcorn things they're popcorn buckets. Yes. Miniature popcorn buckets is what they are, Paul. Right then. Not popcorn things, they're popcorn buckets.

Starting point is 00:13:46 Miniature popcorn buckets. I said buckets though, didn't I? It's bouquet. Mmm, nice quote of the sitcom. Keeping up appearances. Are you being served? No, it's keeping up appearances. Oh yeah it is.

Starting point is 00:13:57 Are you being served? It's, I'm free! But she was in it, the same lady, wasn't she? No, she wasn't. Routledge, Patricia Routledge wasn't. Who played the bouquet? As far as I know, that wasn't her. I don't know anything. That was Molly, Molly, oh bollocks. Ringwald. No, Molly bollocks. Molly bollocks played the

Starting point is 00:14:14 one who went oh my pussy all the time. Oh yeah that's who I'm getting confused with. Yeah no that's a different thing. Anyway this is way before our time and way before anything relevant last night I opened the bike back door to the vicar and in the rain my Pussy came out all wet and the vicar said I've never seen such a wet pussy And I said oh you should see it when I dry out in front of the fan heater every night I need a fan heater. Oh miss miss gobbles or whatever your name is Oh, you've oh you've cooked your lips like bacon on... A big load of our international audience don't understand what we're doing and the ones who do understand...

Starting point is 00:14:50 You've cooked your fanny lips on the heater! Molly Sugden! Bacon! Molly Sugden did not fry her bacon lips in front of a fucking fan heater. There's been a mishap by the rectory! Are you being... Are you being sizzled? Are you? Wait, are cubes being sizzled?

Starting point is 00:15:12 Thank you. We got there in the end. Thank you and good night. Hello, everybody. I'm Eli Silverman. And I'm Paul Gannon. And this is our fourth Cold Open. Run the credits. No, no, no, no, no. Let's get into the popcorn. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:15:25 Do you recognise that tune? To the pop charts, it was called Popcorn. And was it like the first big moog hit? I know we spoke about it in the past, but was it? I think it was one of the very early synthesized, I don't know if it was a moog on Popcorn, may well have been, but it was one of those very early, there was this thing called the Bookler Box.

Starting point is 00:15:53 Bookler, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, Bookler Box, yeah, yeah, yeah. Which was at the same time, which was a very early synth as well. However, what I find interesting about Popcorn is the way it was sold to different territories and different artists, and a lot of the time, they weren't really, you know, groups, they were just studio people, would release it in different territories. It would have a different B-side in different parts

Starting point is 00:16:12 of the world. And by and large, each version was marginally not too different from the other, right? A lot of them are extremely similar. I mean, it's one of the things I collect, different versions of popcorn. In Britain, it was hot butter, wasn't it? So, and I think at the movies was the one that they put on the B side of the British release. Well, we'll get to that later. But effectively, Avene sent us a box and it was full of popcorn related stuff. Not only the popcorn vinyl, but a range of different popcorns that Avene has sourced. So, let's just start off with Common Ground, something familiar. Because these days, you can buy your salty popcorn if you want or you

Starting point is 00:16:45 can buy your sweet but for some reason it's become quite the it's been quite popular to do sweet and salty in the same bag which I'm against. I think this came from oh we've had this story the past but cinema chains where they would have the salt and the sweet next to each other Paul yeah and sometimes there'd be a bit of cross contamination. Yeah. And it sort of, so I think it was a nostalgic thing almost. Maybe. The old time of going to the cinema

Starting point is 00:17:10 and you used to find one sweet and you're salty or one salty and you're sweet. But then it develops, doesn't it? Because then you go, oh, I quite like that. So when I go next week, I was like, can I have half this and half that in the same box? Oh, that's fun. And then the brands start going, oh, there's doing more of that.

Starting point is 00:17:23 That's interesting. We'll now put that into our marketable bank version. I think the main effect was a nostalgia that brought it back up, a nostalgia for going to the cinema, which is all but disappeared really from the modern cinema going experience. But Paul as well.

Starting point is 00:17:36 He's a vegan. Another thing to mention is that sweet and salty, they go together so well. There's this weird thing, which is that traditional British stuffy food culture that we used to have that is almost totally gone. But you wouldn't have mixtures of sweet and salty. It would be like, oh, no one would think that to do that,

Starting point is 00:17:53 apart from like maybe cheese and sweet pickle. Flavor apartheid. Yeah, it was like a flavor apartheid. And so, but nowadays it's much more accepted. Oh yeah, no, it's, as I say, it's all the rage to mix and match. Another example is, of course, you know what I'm going to mention now?

Starting point is 00:18:07 What? Salted caramel. Right, yeah. Which is another example of it being accepted, the mixture of salt. And saline itself, salt is used in so many things just to enhance flavour. Especially chocolate. Yeah, and it will, salt will enhance sweet flavours

Starting point is 00:18:21 just as it will enhance sour flavours or anything. Well, this brand is called Chio, C-H-I-O, it's popcorn, it's sweet and salty, it smells exactly like you'd expect it to be. I would like a huff please. So I'm just going to take a few here now, just a random grab. I've never heard of this brand Chio have you? No, but then again... Oh god, that's got a lovely smell.

Starting point is 00:18:40 These are slightly more caramelised in their texture. They do, don't they? Yes. Because there is that change, isn't it, between cinema popcorn, which is kind of dry and puffy, then the home stuff, which is kind of caramelized and sticky. And I think that must be to do with keeping it hard. Just, I'll finish my sentence another week, then, shall I?

Starting point is 00:18:54 I'm in agreement. How do you know if I haven't finished the sentence? Just take that bit again. No. Do that bit again. No, I'm leaving it all in to see how not. No, I'm just agreeing with you. I'm not trying to talk over you.

Starting point is 00:19:02 I'm continuing the thought. Yeah, well, don't. It's my thought and I'll do my own. OK, have you finished with that thought now? Yes. OK, good. You had to check. I think the reason for that difference that you so rightly brought up, Paul, between like cinema, popcorn and prepackaged, that they are more glazed always, is to do with keeping them fresh or trying to keep them preserved.

Starting point is 00:19:25 I think it preserves better. I'd like to know the answer to that. Yeah, they're all, they all look like they're sweet. Have you tasted a few now? Yeah, it doesn't quite work for me. I don't know what's wrong, but there's something not quite right about this mixture. Every wine is both sweet. Well, that's what it feels like. No, like it's almost a salty popcorn that's been glazed in something sweet, as opposed to having a sweet and salty one. It's like I said. It's more sweet than salty though, isn't it? It's like I said, it's never been my favourite thing to... I'd rather have sweet or salty, but I'm not a big fan of having a mixture in the same

Starting point is 00:19:52 way. I like that. It's like there's a party in my mouth, and it's like a quite good party. And everyone's being really polite and respectful. People are being nice, you know? Small bits, you know, a bit of chatter around the bar. There's a little bit of chatter, no one's getting totally pissed, no one's done the fat slugs of ketamine in the bar and fallen over you. Couple of people standing around the record looking at the vinyl just carefully choosing what to put on next.

Starting point is 00:20:11 Yeah but now someone's put a drink down and it's on a piece of a cover and it's like a Prince record. Yeah be careful of that please. No you need to fucking move that off. See we've invited Graham, oh mate this party's going work bad as we go in. Get everyone out the fucking base now! No, it's over! No, don't you, that's my nan's. Oh someone's rummaging in the bin. Oh, who's took a shit in the kitchen sink? Oh mate, I could go hard on that Gio stuff. Well, for now, don't because, no, put it down, put it down, put it down, because we've got loads more to get through.

Starting point is 00:20:40 Put it down, we've got lots to get through. Event, woof, that is stewing it. Yeah, not for me, but Eli honestly likes it more. The salt just makes the sweet taste better, the sweet back to the salt, it's that contrast, that play, Paul. Yeah. The play in the mouth. No. I know, I'm not, just for once, I'm not going to play in your mouth.

Starting point is 00:20:57 Can I just mention? What? The design of this packaging has sweet and salty in a film strip and also enjoy the movies it says with a clapperboard. Yeah nice, make you think of the cinema. I like that. Yeah right so with that then we're going to go to our next one. Now we've basically done this flavour before but last time it was Chirpa Chups branded but oh no it is the same actually. It's exactly the same. Shall we not do it then? We've done these before, let's do them very quickly again. Quickly then, get the huff on.

Starting point is 00:21:25 But I seem to remember these being very Panda Pops cola scented. Jocelate and snuff. Is it got a kind of... Yeah, it's a little bit, I don't know, mold. It's not moldy but it's got this weird kind of... Staleness. Staleness, yeah, there you go. To the odour, yeah.

Starting point is 00:21:39 Jocelate. Oh yeah, there's a sort of cardboardy staleness, definitely. Look at them, they're a lot browner. They're browner than the previous but still that kind of glazed, pre-packaged look on it. Yeah, almost toffee, innit? That's okay, I just don't think the flavours match that well, you know? Yeah, no, it's fine. It's like, it's popcorn that tastes of cola, and it's like, who needed that in their life?

Starting point is 00:21:57 Did anyone, was anyone asking for that? No one was, but that's why they've done it. It's okay. It's very sweet, very, very sweet. Too sweet? Yeah, I don't like it. I want plain salty plain. Oh I go for butter if I'm going in America. I don't know why they never brought that synthetic but probably because it's cancer causing. Yeah yeah maybe. You know that stuff that they they squirt onto. That is the shit. Yeah I mean I'm

Starting point is 00:22:20 sorry. Figured to be literally. That is the absolute mouth crack. Do you know what I mean? And you're trying to sort of get your fingers deep in there for buttery bits. More buttery kernels. The one to the bottom of the wall, a bit soggy and a bit buttery. Dirt! New roll of him. And it's sticky to your finger. Absolute crack mouth dirt monger.

Starting point is 00:22:37 Here's the question though. You never really see that package of the flavour at home, do you? It's like you never see butter flavoured popcorn. It's so bizarre, isn't it? The thing is with popcorn, it is versatile, it can take a lot of flavours. My personal, when I do popcorn at home I like to put some olive oil, black pepper and some parmesan cheese. Other Italian style hard cheeses. I do like pepper with my popcorn. You know, very nice. Very nice. Oh, let's find out what the other three flavours are then before we

Starting point is 00:23:02 get carried away with our hot buttery popcorn. Nice, nice, nice, gummy, gummy mouth-mouth stuff. Of those two, I definitely prefer the salt and sweet, did you? I'd probably agree. Even though I don't really like either of those, look, I could probably finish a bag of those. I couldn't finish a Coke one. It's too sweet. No, no. Bollocks to cola flavour chopper chops. So say I!

Starting point is 00:23:18 Yeah? Or an Oko-Cloth. Did someone fucking contact you? No, that's my watch saying- Oh, that's professional. That's my watch saying I'm fat and I haven't moved in five minutes, so get some exercise till we... I just don't want that. No, I don't want it, but I can't find the setting that turns that off.

Starting point is 00:23:31 Because every now and then it goes, pling, you need to fucking move, prick. I don't need an app to tell me I'm fat. I can see it in the photographs and videos. And you've got me as well. And you are constantly going about it. And it hurts me. Yeah, in the podcast and in real life as well. Right, more popcorn.

Starting point is 00:23:53 Well, that certainly has livened my palate. Ready for our next popcorn experience, Paul. What is coming up next here on the Cheap Show podcast? A popcorn spit wig about to do. Well, the next one is also Chupa Chups popcorn. Chupa Chups! And I'm just going to show you the back of the bag. What colour, what flavour do you think it is?

Starting point is 00:24:10 Just based on the colour of the bag that I'm holding. It's a pink bag, so I would say bubblegum flavour. Oh, oh, oh, absolutely wrong, but thanks for playing. You're not going to go home empty handed today. You'll keep your Cheap Show statue and checkbook pen. Can I have another guess? Could I have another guess? Candy floss would be my other guess. Can we get him out now, please?

Starting point is 00:24:29 No, candy floss! Can we get him out now, please? I was promised! Security! Oh! Oh! Oh, you're grabbing my nuts! Grab him.

Starting point is 00:24:36 Grab him, Spidey. Oh, he's pulling on them! Oh, God! Oh, oh, oh, oh! Join us next week for more abuse. Yay! No, you can have one last go, go on. It's not bubblegum either? It's not bubbly gum, no.

Starting point is 00:24:50 And it's not candy floss? No, not candy floss. So I'll give you one last go. Marshmallow? No, the answer is... Strawberry. Strawberry popcorn. I can almost imagine what this is going to taste like already.

Starting point is 00:25:03 It's that synthetic strawberry flavour that gets everywhere. Yes. Castorium, it used to be the stuff, I believe, that was made with beaver gland. Right. But they've got, they can now make that artificially, I believe. It's like raspberry flavours, you know, we've had this discussion before. I bet the beavers are happy about that then. Yeah, I think they're damn happy.

Starting point is 00:25:21 Oh dear. No. Oh no. That was quick though. At least it was quick. Look, I'm not saying you didn't put the effort in. I put the effort in there. I just realised where we are as a podcast right now as a result. So, you know. It speaks volumes.

Starting point is 00:25:38 Talking of crappy jokes, I do have a better take on the famous Oh no, I don't want to do this again either. No, what did the woman say who was in Ireland I do have a better take on the famous, uh, makes me Tupperwarey. No, I was, what did the woman say? Uh, who was in Ireland and was going along the road and saw a box, uh, a plastic box coming the other way. I didn't listen to that.

Starting point is 00:25:55 I'm sorry. The punchline is show me the way to Tupperwarey. Everybody? Oh, I'm going into the fold up zone! It's the fold up zone! Who's this? This isn't the node? Mumbly Jumbler? Open the fucking... Mumbly Jumbler? No Paul, you didn't play ball with my Tupperwarey joke. I'm not going along with Mumbly Jumbler. Although I want to. Oh look, there's a dinosaur made of although I want to. Oh look there's a dinosaur made of glass containing volatile chemicals why it's a Pyrex. A T-Rex pirates. No

Starting point is 00:26:34 it's because Pyrex is toughened glass yeah just say it's a dinosaur made of oh look a dinosaur made of glass called a Pyrex. Is that alright? I'm liking the way we're going Tupperware, Pyrex, all things in the kitchen. Where else can we go with that? Where can we expand this? Believe me there'll be more. Now come on we've been whistling on too long. Get the jostle and the snuff off. Oh god it smells exactly like you think, like the pink flavour of metropolitan ice cream. Neapolitan ice cream. Metapolitan, it's very savvy. Yeah, I mean, it's exactly what you think.

Starting point is 00:27:08 I'm gonna pass it to you. Let's get this out of the way, because it is bullshit. I'm gonna just give it a little jostle and snuff. Yeah, it's that horrible, that strawberry ice cream flavour. They're pink. I feel like the coating is a bit too overdone with these Trooper Troop ones, you know? Not bad. Here's the thing, doesn't what it says. No, here's the thing. When you get one that's lightly flavoured, it's actually quite pleasant,

Starting point is 00:27:28 but then when you hit the ones that are really thickly flavoured too much, if they were all thinly flavoured, that would be actually probably quite enjoyable. Yeah, it's not been evenly distributed. They never are though. You always get one that's absolutely caked in fucking toffee level tough sugar, and then you get the ones that are popcorn free and natural. But yeah, I mean, popcorn kernels popped popcorn kernels as an object are quite chaotic. We think about it quite random. They kind of got this fractal similarity to each other, but they are all quite

Starting point is 00:27:57 different, like snowflakes almost. Yeah. You know what I mean? Exactly what I'm trying to say. And perhaps foodie snowflakes. That's why it's difficult to achieve an even coat. Yeah, maybe. That you could get with a less fractally divergent object.

Starting point is 00:28:09 They're too erratic! They're too erratic! They're erratic little fuckers popping out. We like them. They'll pop at different times. That's why I like popcorn, because they're nice and erratic. I'm all about the popcorn, Paul. I've got nothing this week, mate.

Starting point is 00:28:20 I'm fucking struggling. You say that a lot, you know? Yeah, but I really am struggling. You struggle. I think you've been doing okay. Have I? I'm ready to my next I did not like. Let's do one more this segment. This is interesting one This one is Werther's Originals caramel popcorn classique by Stork. Who owns that? They must own Werther's Original

Starting point is 00:28:38 I'm sure Werther's Original was like a craft to one of those big big companies. I don't I don't know too much about Werther's Originals Or Mars or something like that, you know. I don't know too much about words originals. But they also do, what's this a pretzel and popcorn pack? Sea salt and pretzel, caramel, popcorn, words originals. Well there you go, it's that salty sweet mix all over again. That could be quite nice. Yeah, I love a pretzel me. Another example is sorry, the salted, what are they called? Flips. Yeah, the chocolate, I mean that might have to crack to me. But it's that grain of salt that gets you and that's what sets off the whole flavour, that's what I mean about the playfulness and the way that salt enhances sweet, as well as all the other flavours in the spectrum. So, Werther's Originals is what? It's a candy, isn't it,

Starting point is 00:29:18 originally? It's a boiled sweet made of, is it caramelled? Isn't it a mint? No, you're thinking like humbugs and things like that. It's not like that. Isn't it a mint? No! You're thinking like Humbugs and things like that. It's not like that. Wasn't there a similar product in Britain that was like sold in a similar way? Because Werther's original was like Grandad gives you one, wasn't it? Well that was the whole gimmick behind it. It was like an old person's candy. But they gave to their offspring as a sort of treat. It was a weird way of advertising it to basically say this is an advert directed at old people to suggest to young people that they have their candy flavor and it becomes a family historical weirdly generational thing.

Starting point is 00:29:53 You love it you're ancient and you also love to give your grandchildren a little treat with it because they're not ancient but everyone just eats them constantly. And then the joke became later on that word as originals was a bit of a noncy candy. Yes. As a result of those associations. What is that mint brand that I'm thinking of? It's doing my head in. Do you know it? Do you think it's real though? I know what you're thinking of because there is a buttery minty candy but I think it's a bit more generic. Can't think of it right now but Werther's Originals is just a butter candy. It's a toffee sort of flavored hard candy isn't it? Yeah I can't... it has a particular..., either way it's a very creamy boiled sweet.

Starting point is 00:30:27 Not bad as a thing. No they're alright in moderation, but you couldn't cane a pack of them. I wouldn't want to, but you'd hurt your teeth because you end up cracking them, you know, you get impatient when you're trying to suck one down. Have a little jostle and snuff on the Werther's original caramel flavoured popcorn. No he's not, he's wrinkling his nose. It's weird because I can smell what they're going for but it doesn't recognisably smell like Werther's. Okay, too much corn.

Starting point is 00:30:50 They're very solid, look at that. Oh these are the most heavily glued up of our whole bunch so far. What do you think? Because they're meant to be sort of like... They look glazed almost. They're fully glazed. So they probably have less jostulation, you know, less volatile bits coming off. I know, they're very stunted. Oh, I think that's quite a nice smell. Very sweet, very caramelly on the nose. Almost a toasty caramel.

Starting point is 00:31:12 Yeah, that's exactly what it is. It's a very sweet, very warm, buttery caramel. That works for me. Again, a bit too sweet for my liking. Yeah, I know what you mean, but that's really nice. That flavour, for me, that is exactly like how Werther's original taste and there's something about that crispy sweet outside and then the fluffy light that works much better in this for me this is the best the best product so far I agree absolutely agree oh you can see I'm salivating I'm sorry if you can hear

Starting point is 00:31:37 that everyone you want to hear my glands pumping out mouth cheese you like that Paul you like it when I say that oh here we go he's gonna pleasure himself while I make mouth noises I've done nothing all I did was turn my head towards a microphone I can't stop eating this well then put it down put it down gobble down man ooh that is nice that's nicer than a Werther's original yes it's good it's resealable and also you could cut a hole in the bottom of that bag couldn't you and you have it on your lap and you invite friends over to say,

Starting point is 00:32:06 do you want some where there's original popcorn? It's a bit salty. It's not though, is it? No. And what? You've got your dick in there? Yeah. Yeah. It's not funny. It's not funny, Paul. And I call it Excalibur.

Starting point is 00:32:16 That is a trope. And if you can pull it out, then you become King of England. It's what's known in the business as a trope. You want to try to avoid those and try and have original ideas. Original ideas. Could we put a dick in something else? A flower pot. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:32:29 That's better. It's already got a hole in, hasn't it? You can stick it right up. Yes. And then what? A flower pot. And who would you get to rummage around in the pot? I'd probably put some soil in it, a couple of seeds and grow some radishes.

Starting point is 00:32:38 Because, you know, my shaft would be where it could... Oh, tomatoes! That'll be good. Problem tomatoes. Hey! Eli's on fucking fire! Ooh, oh. You are.

Starting point is 00:32:47 I'm running to the moment when you touch your balls. I'm not. I'm just rubbing the force field, mate. Ooh, I'm dancing along the force field. Bollock field. Give me some more popcorn, I'm going mad. Trope. You are the trope master. You are the trope master.

Starting point is 00:33:02 No, I've got nothing. Oh, you've got your little pipe out. You're doing the Indian trope master. I know I've got nothing right. Oh, you're gonna do are you got your little pipe out? You're doing the Indian trope trick Don't like this don't like this this I'm ready for more this is just money for old trope isn't it? Oh, there you go Come on. Oh, come on. That's it. We'll move on No sign off. It was unglamorous doing a break No glamour, no sign off. We're going to do a little break. It was unglamorous.

Starting point is 00:33:23 We're doing a break. Right, we have one more. Well, we have two more, I guess. Popcorny things to try. So here's the what? Fifth, this comes in a Pringles tube, unlike the bags we've been given so far. It's called Bang Bang Popcorn.

Starting point is 00:33:39 Oh, and it's, let me guess. I haven't seen what the flavour is. Go on. I happen to know Bang Bang is a instant noodle brand. Is it? Yeah. Same logo. Absolutely same logo.

Starting point is 00:33:51 They make popcorn now. So I would say that it is a savory, some kind of Chinese dish, something like sweet and sour, something like. No, I tell you what it is, it's air popped corn, it says here as well. No, the flavor, and this goes back to something I was literally talking about a couple of segments ago about how you just don't get that no more, but this flavour is butter and coconut. Butter and coconut, air popped bang bang popcorn. Oh no, I don't like coconut flavoured stuff.

Starting point is 00:34:18 I do, but I'm still weary of this. We tasted that Dr Pepper as well didn't we? Coconut flavoured Dr Pepper limited edition. In our video yeah which you can see coming up in a cheap shot on YouTube. I just thought I'd mention it. Fortnitely content, extra little bits of cheap show every week, well fortnightly. Anyway, bang bang popcorn, I'm gonna pop it and huff it. Oh you're getting all the fresh huffs this week. Do you want to do this one? Yeah I'd like to. Alright go on. I want a jostle and huff. I'll throw you a bone. Thank you. Oh that's an immediate huff reaction. It smells of coconut mate. Well alright. No butter. It's a foodie coconut. I'm not getting any butter. I'm getting a sort of desiccated coconut like would

Starting point is 00:34:55 you know if you were at a home economics class and you're making some kind of sponge cake. I've got nothing. I've got this. I'm having a real dry day today mate. No now I'm huffing again Paul. There's a swimming pool after thought. Take some and pass it on because I want to have a huff and get this out of the way. Tell me if you agree with the kind of chlorine finish. Bit of artificial, you know what I mean? Yeah, it smells like when you come out the pool and you have to go through the little water pot to wipe your feet. Chloriney, yeah. I'm glad you agree there. So, and they seem quite coated, quite brown.

Starting point is 00:35:24 Like the Werther's ones I can't watch the brownness men have come from coconuts not brown and neither is butter. So why these brown? I guess the outsides brown. I mean, it's just the glazed shock sugar to what it does anyway Oh, he doesn't like it is a bitterness to the silver kind of burnt sugar. Oh mate. We need to put a little I'll put one in our little paper tubs We need to do that little bit bitter the at the end, like a burning sort of. I'm not getting a lot of coconut. No.

Starting point is 00:35:48 That's a strange one because I'm not getting, I don't feel like I'm flavouring up the coconut part of it. Tastes a bit like burnt butter. Yeah, weird. Sugary butter. Yeah, but kind of bitter. Do you know what I mean? Like cake mix kind of flavour. Yeah, not great. Not great.

Starting point is 00:36:01 Not that bad. I mean, no. It's not unpleasant. Not that unpleasant. Just lacking character. So here's the last I mean, it's not unpleasant. Not that unpleasant. Just lacking character. So here's the last thing. And it's popcorn. Oh, it's sweaty as hell. But it's not popcorn popcorn. It then put two little bottles of what I think it just, it says liquor. L-I-K-O-R. Schnapps.

Starting point is 00:36:18 Two little bottles of American popcorn-favoured schnapps. Schnapps by a company called Fieglings. And does it have an ABV on it? It comes in tiny little bottles. 20%. Oh, this means it's not shelf stable. Well, I don't know. I don't know.

Starting point is 00:36:36 What do you want me to do? What do you want me to say? I keep it in a box, don't I? No, only after it's opened it will go off. Well, all right. Like a wine or something. But yeah. 20% liquor, so it's meant to be flavored

Starting point is 00:36:46 like popcorn and then mentioned in the letter, there's a gimmick to this when students drink it. They put it on there and they tip it in and they down the whole thing in one go. It's like a cheap shot, you'd get a terrible night bar. How much is in this? Night club. It's a one shot. I will not be drinking the whole of this. Let's find out. I'm going to open it now. Give it a smell. Oh, it smells like pure ethanol. Smells like nail varnish. Yeah. Oh, that's really bad. There's a little bit of butter to it. There's a little bit. Oh, I'm not, I'm not going to down that. That smells real bad, like cheap, nasty. Might have gone off as well. No, she wouldn't have sensed something that could kill us. 20 ABV smell ABV smell that boozy? Right, here we go. Down the hatch.

Starting point is 00:37:25 I'm not going down the hatch. I'm going down the hatch. Fine, I can, you know. Well, no, I'll see how I'll give it a taste first, and then we'll see how we go, because, you know, it is working hours, we're on the clock. We are. Bleurgh.

Starting point is 00:37:35 Cough, cough, cough, cough, cough, ah. It doesn't even taste popcorn-y, it tastes... Bleurgh. It's very sweet. It's very sweet. Let's have some bit more. It's a bit caramelly. No, it doesn't taste that bad. It's quite hot boozy. Go on down it. Down it.

Starting point is 00:37:53 Shall I? Shall I? Yeah. I'm at the party. You're at the party. Look at me everyone. Look at me. Stop the party everyone. Look at me. I'm drinking American popcorn flavoured whatever this is, schnapps or something. Here we go, what, am I the best person at the party?

Starting point is 00:38:09 Everyone, look at me. He's gone down the act. Hey Paul, here's another one Paul, have another one. I'll have another one. Have another one, here you go. He's having mine everybody. Paul, down it, down it, he's wiping them. Because he's got a bit of lip gloss.

Starting point is 00:38:23 Lip gloss on it. Lip gloss. I think like it. Yeah, lip gloss. I'm having, like, kind of serious second thoughts. That's tip gloss coming out my tip. Little bit of Eli's tips on the tip, on the rim. Tip of the rim, Tia. Go on, down. Oh, God.

Starting point is 00:38:36 Come on, Paul, you can do it. No, here we go. It's only 20%. It's down, it's down, it's down, everybody! Well done. Now he's going to have a little sip of his soda Maybe it'll loosen up a bit everybody it even makes this taste like garbage Favorite of the popcorn products, but we've looked at today and tasted poor So really know what I know it's real bad stuff that.

Starting point is 00:39:06 It's raw ethanol. You know that kind of mouth saliva thing when you think you're gonna throw up? Yeah. I got that going on. Yeah I know. Is that my body saying you shouldn't have? You shouldn't have. I can't stop salivating. It'll be alright you'll have a little buzz. Werther's is the winner. Yeah for me Werther's is the winner. And what's the worst? The booze. Booze might be the worst thing. Oh really? I can feel it churning in my gut. Yeah it's alright, just don't think about it. Have another sip of sodi. We'll have a little break and then we'll do the...

Starting point is 00:39:32 Daddy needs a break. Daddy needs a break. But don't worry if you're listening at home because through the magic of audio technology you'll be able to come straight back for the next segment of Cheap Show. And thanks for listening, everybody. I'm feeling spitty.

Starting point is 00:39:46 Yeah, I know. But it's not enough booze to get really sick on. I think it's just because my brain's like, yeah, I shouldn't have had that. And certainly shouldn't have had two of them. Oh, God. I'm really fighting it now, Eli. Oh, OK, I have to take this. There's music to my ears, Paul.

Starting point is 00:40:00 Stop this. And then I've got a sweat on. I'm getting a sweat. It's fine. We'll go and sit in the House of Pickles, which is what my bedroom's known ears, Paul. Stop this and then what? I've got a sweat on? I'm getting a sweat. It's fine. We'll go and sit in my, in the House of Pickles, which is what my bedroom's known as everybody. And it's really coming along. Oh no.

Starting point is 00:40:12 Some of it came back up. I know, Paul. Don't stop thinking about it. I hope it's not poison. Well thanks for thinking about that now. I mean why would the vent send poison? She wouldn't. Ha ha ha, joke's on you.

Starting point is 00:40:26 If I die you can't do this podcast by yourself, can you? I can't, no. You can't edit for shit, you'd be left with nothing, all this equipment's out of my house, you don't know how to set it up. Your career's over when I die, you know that right? When I go, what's the- Why are you saying this? Why-

Starting point is 00:40:38 Because I don't want you- Because you need to treat me with a bit more respect. I do treat you with respect. You need to- I do! You need to hold me close to your breast and suckle me. No one suckles the big Eli tits, alright? No one but me messes with my nip nips. Oh right no, stop it, I'm gonna be sick. Don't be sick. And that was the Dulcet Tones of Popcorn by the Popcorn Makers.

Starting point is 00:41:23 One of the singles they then gave to us in our popcorn box of tricks. And again, a very clear demonstration that was farmed out that song across several territories and different B-sides in different releases. I have a version from France as well where they actually put lyrics on. Je t'carno bonnet bie.

Starting point is 00:41:41 Yeah, something like that, do you remember? But that has quite an interesting food-based B-side, the popcorn maker's one. It does, it has one called Toad in the Hole. Toad in the Hole. Which sounds like a kids TV show. Oh well, it's very mooky, isn't it? Yeah, I might use that later on down the line.

Starting point is 00:41:56 So, stomp, stomp, you, shh, keep it under your hat darling, stomp, keep it stomp, under the hat. I'm not saying anything, there's no one else here. Not to a wick to a vicar's knee, you know what I mean? Shhh, keep it shhh, under the hat love. Keep it all under the umbrella. Keep the roof on. Shhh, keep it shhh. Don't tell mother.

Starting point is 00:42:10 Don't tell mother, keep the roof on. Don't tell mother. Keep the roof on. Close the doors, don't tell mother. Keep it on your hat. Keep it closed. Shut the door. Lock it up.

Starting point is 00:42:18 Shhh, keep it zipped. On the house. On the bus. Ding dong. On the underground. Underground. It's a little bit like that Cheap Show character, isn't it Paul? Which one? One one of them I don't know yeah I don't listen to the podcast I don't know I've heard it's not very good

Starting point is 00:42:28 anyway it is now time for really silverman's platters where Eli Silverman says he prepares a segment and then doesn't and panics on the day and pulls out some records well I didn't do that this week no neither of these records they originate with me no it's not really silverman's platters no we

Starting point is 00:42:44 need to call this segment something like... No we don't. We can still call it Silverman's Platters. Thank you very much. No, we can change it. I think it's about time we changed it. I'm the one with the platters. Don't get that now.

Starting point is 00:42:53 It's not time. I have to get it. No, don't. We're in recording. You just told me to turn my phone off. Why can't you take a phone call? Hello? Hi.

Starting point is 00:42:59 Oh, hi John. Who's that? Yeah, he's here. Put it on speaker. He's right here. I'm going to put you on speaker John, okay? Put him on speaker. Yeah, he's here. John who? Oh, hang's right here. I'm gonna put you on speaker, John, okay? Put him on speaker. Yeah, he's here.

Starting point is 00:43:05 John who? Hang on, John. Hang on. It's John Gunty. Well, John Gunty's late. He wants to talk to you. We had the food segment earlier. Yeah, but he... I don't know. I, you know...

Starting point is 00:43:13 Alright, John. John, put him to the phone. John. I'm putting you on speaker now, John. Hello, John. What? Hello? Is that Paul? Yeah, speaking, John. Oh, Paul. It's John. John Gunty. You're late. We did the food thing already.

Starting point is 00:43:24 We thought we'd... Yeah, I've got my review ready. No, it's too late for Gunty. You're late, we did the food thing already. We thought we'd… Yeah, I've got my review ready. No, it's too late for that now. I've got popcorn chicken. No. I'm just doing popcorn and I thought I'd do popcorn chicken. It's too late for that now, John. Where is it now?

Starting point is 00:43:35 I've got all of it written down. John, it's too late. The contract said a certain time of day when we record you. If you're not going to be here, we have to move on. Yes, I'm ready to give my review. If you just do… Is it a short review? Yes. Quickly then we'll get it done.

Starting point is 00:43:48 It's about five minutes. Five minute script. Is that okay? Yes go on. I'll just do it over the phone and then you can put it into. Just get it over with. Come on quick. Put it in another segment. I'll do it over the phone. Do it. A few food reviews as well. I'll just do a little bit where I introduce myself. If that's okay? Is that alright with you? Yeah, go for it. Do it.

Starting point is 00:44:07 Okay. Right. Hello everybody. It's time for another food review with John Gunty. That's me. Popcorn Chicken. John! John! Who's that on the... Who are you talking to on the phone, John? Not now. I'm doing a food review. Who are you talking to? I'm just nobody. You were meant to be upstairs servicing me. What are you doing? I can't do that right now. What are you doing? Who are you talking to? I'm just nobody You were meant to be upstairs servicing me What are you doing? I can't do that right now love

Starting point is 00:44:26 What are you doing? Are you who you're talking to? I'm not talking to anyone I'm doing a food... I'm your wife You tell me who you're talking to I'm doing a food review okay? You're talking to those cheap show boys

Starting point is 00:44:36 No I told you you're not allowed to play with them They're bad boys They have a rotten podcast It's mug... I've listened to it It's filthy Listen I'll go upstairs I know what you's filthy. Listen, I'll go upstairs.

Starting point is 00:44:45 It's filthy. I know what you're doing. Listen, Jane. I'll tell your mother. Jane, listen to me. I'll tell your mother you're doing the podcast stuff. It's fine. She doesn't mind. She will when I tell her. I've got to look. I have to put bread on the table in this family.

Starting point is 00:44:57 Alright, Jane? If I catch you doing cheap shit, I'll divorce you. I'm doing this for the good of us and the kids. We haven't got any kids. The future kids which we might have. I'm barren. You know it. It might the kids! We haven't got any kids! The future kids which we might have! Ah Baron! You know it! It might be me, we haven't... listen! You won't go for tests will ya?

Starting point is 00:45:11 Hello? You won't go for tests? Hello? Paul? I hunger for children! Hang on! Jane! I hunger! For the love of God will you hang on a second please! I hunger for children and he wants to be a...

Starting point is 00:45:19 Please could you just hang on a second! Talking to the mucky boys! Paul hello, you there Paul? What's going on by the way? It's John Gunsy here. What are you doing? I'm ready to do my food review can I call back? No you've been on the phone long enough now John.

Starting point is 00:45:31 Come on now John. Jane you're making me lose my temper now. The stories have started and I want soup. John I'm not doing soup for you. Where's that popcorn chicken you made? I've brought you that soup you just put it in the microwave. Why are you having popcorn chicken and I'm having soup? Because I'm doing a food review

Starting point is 00:45:46 I'm gonna have to move on John. We wouldn't got a time. This is good to me. We're gonna say goodbye Eli hang up John I'm sorry I'm going out to pop my legs are sealed. I'm going to the pub. You've added me to hang up on these You've added me. I'm going to the pub you've angered me! Can you even need to hang up on these two? You've angered me, I'm going out of the pub! Oh, whatever, here we go! Pull! Pull! E.I.! Pull! I'll call you back later! It's a great review!

Starting point is 00:46:14 Go f***! That's really uncomfortable. I mean I was quite interested to hear what his take is on popcorn chicken. If there's going to be an issue with his wife, we can't have him on the show. There seems to be a massive issue with her. There's a massive real issue with them. If I went a bit too close to the bone there with their private life, I think. Just saying.

Starting point is 00:46:30 It's not appropriate, is it? Look, he's got a good heart, I think. He has got a good heart. He's got a good heart. He just wants to do food review stuff. Well, he has to call up at the right time then. I know. I gave him a window and it's my fault as well. just tell him next time that when we say 3 o'clock...

Starting point is 00:46:47 He needs to leave the house as well if she's going to be like that. When we say 3 o'clock, we mean 3 o'clock, not what is it now, like 10 past 6. Right, so that's that out the way and what? Trackbot is sealed in. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm drowning in luck, I'm drowning in luck. I'm drowning in luck, I'm drowning in luck. I'm drowning in luck. knocking one out into it. I haven't been. I have. Randy Dogg has. Randy Dogg, I can see him out there, he's running around. Gareth the Ghost once came by to do a spooky test. Oh he didn't. He could sense ghosts in a track box. How did he get the ghosts? Well he had to get his cock out didn't he, which is like, which draws the spirits in

Starting point is 00:47:35 because of this kind of really tangy tarty cheesy waft at the top. You know it's got like a real, is it sharp? A real sharp kind of like tang to it. Sharp, no, okay. It's funny, it's like you look at the tip of his penis and it looks like a birthday cake. It's just this weird kind of weird thing. I just feel sorry for Trackbot is what it is. And please let me out. Trackbot. Please let me out.

Starting point is 00:47:55 Just to let you know, I can't let you out now because we've already started the segment, but we're doing it. And also if we do it, it'll all slosh out all over the floor. We're doing Black Lace, I speak a D'Lingo. And Black Lace, who did that thing? B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b- Poor trackbot. Poor, poor trackbot. Tracked in a box of cum. A whole cupboard full of dog spunk. Trackbot, if we ask you one fact, can you shut yourself down for a bit? Absolutely.

Starting point is 00:48:30 Go on, you do, ask him something. Ask him something. Make him happy. What was the name of Madonna's first album? Madonna's first album was Russ Evans' Madhouse. Russ Evans' Madhouse, yes Yeah, you were right, you were right Power down Okay, power down

Starting point is 00:48:48 Boo boo boo boo boo boo boo Blah blah blah blah Sigh Poor old track bot Right, that has been nine minutes So we should just cut to We should just introduce the first song What's the first song?

Starting point is 00:48:59 It is by an artist called John Oh, we're doing that first? No, let's get fucking Black Lace out of the way. Let's get Black Lace out of the way. Black Lace and I speak a bilingual. You could say I'm multilingual, I just say, oh, no, momento, si. I speak a bilingual. Si, senor, report that bar in Vito's mansion. I speak a bilingual. You could say I'm multilingual, I just say, oh, no, momento, si. I speak a bilingual. Si, senor, report that bar in Vito's mansion. I speak a bilingual.

Starting point is 00:49:29 You could say I'm multilingual, I just say, oh, no, momento, si. I speak a bilingual. Si, senor, report that bar in Vito's mansion. I speak a bilingual. You could say I'm multilingual. You could say I'm multilingual. You could say I'm multilingual. You could say I'm multilingual.

Starting point is 00:49:37 You could say I'm multilingual. You could say I'm multilingual. You could say I'm multilingual. You could say I'm multilingual. You could say I'm multilingual. You could say I'm multilingual. You could say I'm multilingual. You could say I'm multilingual. You could say I'm multilingual. You could say I'm multilingual. You could say I'm multilingual. You could say I'm multilingual I just say on a moment I speak a

Starting point is 00:49:45 new lingo on vacation it's a must to learn the nation's native tongue senior I speak of the lingo, I speak of the lingo, I speak of the lingo, hey! So as of, when was it, 3rd of June this year, 2024 year of Our Lord, Colin Gibb, the longest standing member of pop band Black Lace, had died at the age of 70. Notable, forgiving the world, Agadu, which we've talked about on the show before. Did they ever get sued by the original writer of that song or was it just lost to time? I get the, lost to time I think, because I think it was like this whole genre of music

Starting point is 00:50:30 specifically made for summer camps and, you know, families who couldn't afford to go abroad, say, with holiday in their own country. And that's Black Lace's whole vibe in the 80s, isn't it? And that's what I hate about this song more than anything else, because it has that real off-putting image of the Brits abroad. Yeah, they're celebrating it. It's a song about Brits abroad, for Brits abroad, in terrible nightclubs with British DJs.

Starting point is 00:50:54 Yeah, because around the time of what, the late 70s, package holidays were becoming popular. This is from 85. Yeah, you didn't have to go to Blackpool once a year for the best, you know, for your best holiday. You could now, reasonably afford affordably take a flight to Spain, Torre Milinos, all that. So that's the height of that in the mid-80s, I guess. You watched a film like Carry On Abroad and they went on holiday in that and it was a package holiday kind of film. There was a whole thing in pop culture about celebrating the Brit abroad, but unfortunately that stereotype became the ill-educated, unwitting to learn the language, piss-said out on the slash, party time,

Starting point is 00:51:28 wreck this place and go home. Gammon, Gammon, red, bright red, Gammon, yeah. Take a piss out of the waiter because they don't speak English very well. Yes. Slag the place off a lot and then complain about the food and then go home to shitty British weather. But you're right because it did start to happen by the mid 70s because you also, another sort of aspect of that phenomenon was the Latin Lover or the exotic male... Shirley Valentine.

Starting point is 00:51:52 Yes. Do you see what I mean? It's the same, it comes from the same place. That's not what Black Lace identity was. Black Lace was the British holiday goer genre. I mean, specifically, their music is British holiday goer music. It's their own genre. This must be basically their most black lace almost offering of all time. It comes off their second album I believe.

Starting point is 00:52:14 And it's funny because the code on this is LACE2. So this is on Flair Records distributed by EMI. Both records we're going to be looking at today are EMI records. But you know what I will say for it? Weirdly, it doesn't sound cheap. Like a lot of their stuff sounds cheap, but that sounds reasonably well produced. They have a real trumpet orchestra band thing in there. It's based on umpa umpa sort of marching band backbeats. The British march, it's almost like an invasion song when you think about it. It has a military sort of vibe. See, the British invasion was once musical and now it's alcoholic. Yeah. That's the kind of difference. Speaking

Starting point is 00:52:48 the lingo so it takes the piss out of the Italian language. It also has a bit where it does the Russians and it also does the Chinese. It effectively does the kind of thing. It does that. It does do that whatever that's called which is used in a novelty music to represent the orient. It's shorthand isn't it? It's shorthand to say here's what we're doing right now. Is there a Russian one? Yeah a little bit. But the problem I have with it is the B-side what called what? Elvino Collapso. Again about exactly the same thing. Go and get pissed on holiday. But it has a bit more of a sort of poppy dance beat. Yeah but a little bit and they're using the seven inch to

Starting point is 00:53:24 sell the 12 inch. Have you seen this? Go on. On the back it says 12 inch, 12 Lays 2. See this is Lays 2, that's 12 Lays 2. So I think they had quite a lot to do with the selling of their own stuff. So canny and they probably made some money. Well I think they're not getting ripped off.

Starting point is 00:53:39 They're actually part of the whole manufacturing of this very manufactured music. These seem like, almost like a cottage industry label, where they knew exactly who they were marketing to, they could probably produce just enough to get a kind of semi-regular hit into the charts. But with that, they're probably selling more of this stuff abroad or at holiday camps. And then they're going doing gigs abroad, DJing and promoting it there. I tell you who was buying it, DJs, holiday DJs, who would play this and locomotion and

Starting point is 00:54:06 all the usual shit. So it says 12 inch 12 lace 2 includes a great party megamix. That's the those two words party megamix. Nothing says 80s yeah like the words party megamix. Megamix featuring, what do you think it's featuring? Well all the hits right? What are the first two? Agadu. Yeah what's the second one? Do the conga?'s featuring? Well, all the hits right. What are the first two? Agadu. Yeah, what's the second one?

Starting point is 00:54:25 Do the Conga? No. Superman. Superman second, Do the Conga third. Is there another one? Clap Clap Sound, I don't know that. I don't know that one. And then Elvino Collapso, which is the B-side. Are we going to play them a bit of that? Yeah, fuck, let's do it now. We're on a holiday Well, there was Pete and Joe and Mick and Rose and Flo All doing in their tooty green Then the call came, Proceed to gate ten

Starting point is 00:54:56 Flight sixty-nine to sunny Spain So we downed a few more, kissed goodbye to the floor And said, I'll spot you driver, pull five-four Elvino Collapsers, we're really on our way Elvino Collapsers, we're on a holiday Cause we're one, and we're two We're only three, woah, that's, um, but who else is making music, music like that really at the time to be humorous with Elvino Collapso, aren't they like they're getting pissed the whole time they fall off the plane and then, you know, it's kind of celebrating the worst

Starting point is 00:56:00 of the totally is it totally is and you think to yourself, why are you proud of that? I know it's like a cultural thing and that's, it's kind of same and kind of different because in some respects it moved to Ib-themed, became clubby and a bit more kind of... Yeah, and also this is 85 where it's still a bit happy-go-lucky, hasn't got as toxic as it did by the 90s, you know. Yeah, but it's basically, I mean, I hate to sound like a snob because I really don't want to, but there's something about this music that really kind of like, there's a hauntology to it, which gives it a flavor, which kind of makes me feel gross.

Starting point is 00:56:28 It's NAF, some of the NAF-ist stuff ever produced. It has to be said. We've never covered- Look at them, their whole terrible illustration on the cover. You can see these on our website, by the way, pictures of this. And it says, plus Elvino Collapso. But I think the most insightful thing you've said is the cottage industry thing. That, when you look at them as kind of entrepreneurs, it really makes a lot more sense. They weren't

Starting point is 00:56:49 interested. They were interested in making a living, obviously, and they weren't that bothered about being considered good musicians. Ah, but here's my point. It's weird that they straddle a line between almost legit musicians and absolute novelty hitmakers. Because when you think about it, the first thing they did publicly was Eurovision. They were a sort of soft, middle of the road soft rock group in the 70s. Yeah, Black Lace, they get the name from the song, Mary Anne,

Starting point is 00:57:11 which is the song they did for Eurovision, which got them on the map and got them noticed. But that's the only song that they've never put on an album or never rereleased or rerecorded. And yet it's their only air quotes, legit song. Right. And it is in a different style. It's cheesy, but it's... It's glam. It's much more glammy, a little bit of folk glam. It's middle of the road, sort of 70s rock.

Starting point is 00:57:31 But then you get to this era of them and it's just... It's really horrible. Like I say, do you agree it's naff? It's kind of really... But also it's lovingly made naffness. Yeah. There's a certain Joes de Viva about it. There is. And there's a certain... They don't give a fuck what you think of them. But I think they're a bit racist.

Starting point is 00:57:50 They're a bit xenophobic underneath it, isn't it? And they're a bit...their agenda is kind of, we're the good time party guys, you know, we don't mind we're a bit tacky and crass, we're here to have a good time, agadu, knees up mother brown, Superman. But they became to symbolise all that was naff about the deepest cruddy culture of the 80s, didn't they? And you know, having heard that, it was hard to get through, especially the B-side. But, think about it this way, there's nothing like that ever, now not never. There's nothing

Starting point is 00:58:19 like that really. I know, and also it makes me laugh when you see people talk about how cool the 80s was and like retro and then you see that that's the real deal that's the naked reality. Here's the thing there's two types of 80s in my opinion the champagne and cocaine and then there's baby shaman nibbles this is baby shaman nibbles. Chedders mini chedders. Mini ched... no that's too that's too much. Too good. Yeah I'm thinking about shitty volivons. Terrible volivons. Baby salmon shitty volivons. Chicken Kiev. Too much mate.

Starting point is 00:58:48 Findus crispy pancake. Now we're talking! Oh, you know what? I just suddenly really want a Findus crispy pancake. They are delicious. A nice beef one. They're really good. Let's have a...

Starting point is 00:58:58 Can we do one on the show one day? Oh yeah, let's do that. They're not made, they're not called Findus anymore. What, so now they're called Findus X? Or X's Crispy Pancakes? They should do a Findus, they should do a fucking Crispy Pancake Guess the Contents one. You know, like they do sort of a... Well dodged. You know they had to do with soft drinks now, of course.

Starting point is 00:59:17 Yeah, guess the flavour. I wanna do another one of those. What happened to that Fanta one? I don't know. I've lost interest in that. It's all fucking dog bollocks. I'm not interested. Mountain Dew bring out one every year, don't they, around Halloween? Yeah. They're all tasty though. Here's the thing.

Starting point is 00:59:31 If someone said, hey, we're doing, I don't know, Bird's Eye doing this promotion where it's mystery meat pie. I don't think that's going to be a big seller. Mystery flavor? No, mystery meat. It's coming down the road, don't you worry. There will be. There'll be like mystery bake in Gregg's.

Starting point is 00:59:43 They'll do it. Yeah. Guess the bake flavor. Now, a bit chewy, a bit grisly this one. you worry there will be they'll be like mystery bake in Gregg's they'll do it yeah guess the bake flavor now a bit chewy bit grisly tastes like chicken all tastes like chicken is it human well we're getting we're getting there we're getting there so we're getting there soylent green you know you know soylent green yes you know what i'm referring to yes okay good it's it's hard to know sometimes green is people that's what it is isn't it yeah soil and green is people. That's what it is, isn't it? Yeah. Soil and green is people. Spoiler alert. Ah bollocks.

Starting point is 01:00:08 Right, shall we listen to the next record then? Yes, the next record is... Oh hey, oh no, we need to ask. Splatter or platter. That's why it's called Silverman's Platters. On Silverman's Platters, me and Paul both judge, are very judgemental, and we judge the records. Very. Almost too judgemental. It's a binary. There's no marks out of 10.

Starting point is 01:00:25 There's no marks out of five. There's no grey. It's only zero or one. Zero being a splatter. Yeah. Meaning we could turn this into some kind of liquid form and throw it around in an alleyway or something. We could spray it at some point.

Starting point is 01:00:36 We could get a pump spray or something. Pump spray, coat a wall with it. Coat a wall with this dirty cum spray. Sorry. Yeah, that was the glitch in the system there, okay, Kro. Glitch in the system. Glitch in the system. Or, or, it's the opposite. It's a Platte. The one, if we're talking binary, it's the one. It's the solid gold. We'll have that. Come on, mate. Let's stick it on again.

Starting point is 01:00:54 Oh, what fun. It's Platten themselves in the garage in a little wooden frame. Yeah. Signed next to the older bike. Cliff Richard himself. next to the older. What am I doing here? Poor cycling exercise bike. Oh, really? Use it in the garage. Your movements more like a baby saying wash my bot bot. I've had drop drop time. Drop drop time.

Starting point is 01:01:13 Yeah. No babies ever said that. I did when I was a child. I was like mama. Papa said wash my bot bot drop drop time. Yes, I did. No, you didn't. You're going to have to learn to do that yourself.

Starting point is 01:01:22 And I did. And I did. I'm glad you did. Since then then I could wash and wipe myself easily. What, your asshole? Your shitty asshole, yeah? Yeah. No, let's go over this one more time, Paul. If you've got a shitty asshole, what happens then? What goes on after that? What are we looking at here? It's not for me. I'm not telling you, my processes.

Starting point is 01:01:41 No. When your bot bot is not not clean clean do you pop pop with the blot blot? We've got to stop, we need to start talking with real words. Oh yeah, come on next record then. All you need to know is that by the time I'm done you could eat your dinner off it. Oh I've heard that. Provided you like stew. I heard that restaurant. Can we open that restaurant? We're all full. Come and eat your dinner off. So you sit down, private table just for one, there's a hole in the middle. You're like in a foam casing. Underneath the table ready to go. It's quite comfy for you because they need to be. And the hydraulic system just raises my bottom up through the hole in the table.

Starting point is 01:02:20 It's all scrubbed clean as a whistle. And then the chef says, what do you want? And I don't know. They say, I know, Tomato soup? And I go, oh, you know, because You'd be sucking some back down, right? Yeah, it's not good. I prefer like, I prefer honestly, chili con carne, but you have to lick the plate clean, mate.

Starting point is 01:02:37 That's the only deal. Oh, really? That's why you're like the piss dungeon man. Yeah. You are like that man who built his mask into a urinal. I just want people to pay a service amount of money to eat meatballs off my arsehole and lick my plate clean. Is that so much to ask? It's a splatter from me, Paul.

Starting point is 01:02:55 That's what we're talking about. Oh yeah, yeah, splatter for me as well. It's terrible, Rekos. We didn't like it. Annoying. Yeah. In fact, the B-side... Vino de Blanco.

Starting point is 01:03:04 ...had a better sort of production for me. Splatter splatter splatter. It is definitely a horrible splatter. Just like if someone leaves my plate dirty. Oh Dolph, leaves your plates dirty. If you know what I'm gonna call my ass my plate now. Don't do a wank sign. I'll leave it dirty. Oh mate no. You need some cleaning fluid on that. How rude you can't eat a meal off the cleaning fluid. You can't eat a meal off the cleaning fluid! You can't eat a meal off my arse and then jizz on it! I'll throw you out the restaurant! I'll do what I like! You can't!

Starting point is 01:03:31 What have we done, mate? What have we done, Paul? We've reached the very bottom. I told you I wanted to stop talking about it. Yeah, well you kept making waxing rules. No, you kept talking about it! Yeah, because it was a good idea, wasn't it? It's not a good idea.

Starting point is 01:03:43 I think it is. Anyway, it's a splatter. We didn't like Black Lace. Oh, what a twist in the fucking tale. Yeah, we didn't like that at all. And guess what? It's very unlikely we're going to talk about them ever again. God, thank God.

Starting point is 01:03:53 But I have got their second album where they cover Ghostbusters. Wow, we should hear that and do that on the show. So we might cover them again then. Oh well. Spoiler warning, that'll be a splatter too. Yes, because they never did nothing good. Well, the end of the Agad do and that was a minor hit. I dream about a slice of apple pie But then I sit and ruminate Cause apples give me belly aches

Starting point is 01:04:29 Oh apple pie, my friend, I'll pass you by Apple pie in the sky I wonder, wonder why Your pie has blown sky high Everybody! Apple pie in the sky I wonder, wonder why Everybody! Perhaps he wants his apple pie with cream Just like Eve and Adam found That apple fell right to the ground

Starting point is 01:05:09 And now our Jude will softly start to scream Apple pie in the sky Oh, what was that song, by the way? I just played that, I didn't introduce but I've just stuck in the edit anyway so it doesn't really matter Let's get it out the way What track is it called?

Starting point is 01:05:22 John Isherwood is the artist Is the artist And it is the B. What track is it called? John Isherwood is the artist. Is the artist. And it is the B-side of his single Old Time Movies and it's called Apple Pie. Now, Old Time Movies was fine, but for some reason, Apple Pie was a bit more kinksy, a bit more fun, a bit more, you know. I'll tell you. Real Britannia kind of pop. I'll tell you all of the reasons why Apple Pie is the standout on this particular disc, Paul.

Starting point is 01:05:43 Hit me. It has a better melody. I'll tell you all of the reasons why Apple Pie is the standout on this particular disc, Paul. Hit me. It has a better melody. Both the melodies are a bit repetitive, but it has this kind of militaristic but fun. Perhaps it would help if I explained this. People think of psychedelia as only being like a distorted guitar, Eastern instrumentation like sitar and things like that. But there's another very clear strain of psychedelic music which is sort of a nostalgia for the Victorian era or early 20th century and a lot of that is sort of aping sort of

Starting point is 01:06:15 Victoriana militarania, like military marching bands. For example, the best example of that strain in Psychedelia is probably Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club band. We were like a military band. John Isherwood on this is going for a very much a yellow submarine type comic, military comic sort of sound landscape, soundscape even. Would you agree? Yes. So that's fun. He's like, and he's got an absurd, that little whistle or whatever, little, little duck quack. Well you can hear the influences of it all over it, because it's a little bit Beatles, a little bit Kings, a little bit, you know, Manfred Mann, a little bit whatever. But it also has a lovely bit of distorted guitar, like heavy distorted

Starting point is 01:07:00 type guitar. It fruits it up for me, no end. And it also has these bits where it sort of goes to a little break and it was a different instrument and there's a sort of little drum, mini drum break in there which is really quite tight, quite tight and quite heavy. Brilliant and a real curio and we looked into who this guy was John Isherwood. This is in 69, Event actually sent us this one as well. Yes this is another one from the Event popcorn box. And it's on Odeon, which is a German imprint, but it's EMI. In the UK, the same single was only shown as a promo on the Polifone. Is it Polifone? Polifone here.

Starting point is 01:07:34 Label, yeah. So I was like, oh, I want to know a little bit more about where this track comes from or whatever. Couldn't find much. But when we did do a little investigation, we went down this weird rabbit hole. So apparently he's like a minor legend in Portsmouth, where I presume he made his name, potentially even grew up there. We don't know all the details. We saw a picture of a, there was a sort of music venue named after him. Well, I'm on the website now. There's a guy who's got a website called Michael, michaelcooper.org.uk.

Starting point is 01:08:03 And there's just a whole article about John Atishawood from the Portsmouth music scene and so I was looking through it and it seems like his whole thing was he had some kind of minor hit and he did this. Well we don't know because the next year in 70 he released an album called A Crying Shame. And it didn't have either of the tunes from this single on old time movies or Apple Pie. I'll double check in a minute but I don't think it did. I think it was all a mix of folk and comedy songs. When he was performing live he was known for mixing folk and comedy.

Starting point is 01:08:35 Which became hugely popular with people like Jasper Carra and Billy Connolly. But that was... You see, but he never broke through. He couldn't break through. So the website that I just named has a page all devoted to him. And I get the impression he was trying to make a name for himself in Portsmouth within the folk scene. But he also wanted to bring popular music into it.

Starting point is 01:08:55 So he wanted to create a genre called Polk music. Not Polk-er, but Pop and Folk Polk music. So he created a festival and he spent a lot of time and effort and money into it and lost a thousand pounds in 1970 doing it. Wow, that's a lot of money. They put all this time into making a big festival and only 200 people turned up for the weekend. Oh dear. And it had bands such as The Settlers who he managed to book only because they'd featured once on the Cliff Richard music show or whatever it was.

Starting point is 01:09:21 The Settlers were quite well known folkers, weren't they? Yes. There was one band called Shaggis and Noddy. Shaggis. Shaggis and Noddy. Like Shaggers or Shaggis. Like Haggis with an S on the beginning. Shaggis. Shaggis and Noddy. There was the Fantastic Tinkers, Mr Jazz Guitar himself, Diz Dizley. Diz Dizley. But maybe my favourite name? Dando Shaft. This is someone called Dando Shaft! But guess who else appeared? Jasper Carrot. Oh you see? So I'm making the right kind of connections there. Yeah you are. Rosemarie's own, no Portsmouth's own Rosemarie, whoever she was.

Starting point is 01:09:56 And then John Isherwood did a few spots himself. And it said, don't forget the date, July 25th, Saturday 1970. A lot of people did. But then the next thing he did was he bought a shop and converted it into a, well it says here the John Isherwood Arts and Music Centre. So it's a venue? Yeah, where I think he sold instruments and it was a music venue as well, which I don't know how long it was there for, but I'm presuming not long, because again there's another article

Starting point is 01:10:23 here about something he's tried has failed because it didn't get the response he thought he was going to get from it. That's quite sad really and then... He said there was apathy, an apathy disease that people in Portsmouth weren't supporting him. Uh, Poke Festival, John Isherwood stunned by turnout of just 200 people and then he tries another festival the following year, although that was the same year he released his album. He obviously had some kind of record deal. Weirdly it says this,

Starting point is 01:10:45 Wash those election blues away with John Isherwood's long awaited LP, A Laughing Cry on Decca, includes his latest songs, The Cucumber Song, I Didn't Dare, OK Yoko, STD, My Old Guitar, and Mr. Miggl- Mr. Migglo's Contatti. Interesting to me that it's on Decca, and that's probably why, Paul, neither of these tunes that we listen to me that it's on Decker and that's probably why Paul, neither of these tunes that we listen to, because this is on EMI. When I was looking through all these

Starting point is 01:11:09 articles, you know, you can scroll through but effectively kind of a bit of a star important with himself, a bit of a local legend. There's a weirdly a picture here that says John with a cheque he received from George Harrison, but there's no context into why he was given a cheque by George Harrison, unless he wrote a song for George Harrison. There's another Beatles connection. And that song's very much like Yellow Submarine, as I mentioned. Yeah. What became apparent is he had a minor hit with a song called The Cucumber Song.

Starting point is 01:11:35 So our next point of call was to look it up on YouTube. And what we found opened up another little rabbit hole of weird hauntology-listic malaise. Yes, it was a home video of John Isherwood at home, it looks like, at his kitchen table in Portsmouth, you'd assume. With some people who probably don't know who he is. There's someone shooting it, there's a guy on the couch. He looked like a friend of his, I think. 1990s VHS can't call the quality, yeah. It's 92. You can see from the date stamp on the video. I'm going to play a little clip of that just now. It's a very frightening song, I wrote many years ago.

Starting point is 01:12:13 It's a very frightening song, I'm not sure I haven't got my real guitar, this is a imitation plastic guitar from here. This is a sound we've heard. This is a sound from a very old tune. This is a Kugan song I wrote many years ago. I had a frustration. Now for those who are watching, it does involve phallic symbolism. I'll get your dictionaries out and read that one out. Oh, what? No ease? It's these. It's these?

Starting point is 01:12:50 Oh! When I wrote songs many years ago, I wanted a song that would suddenly wake the people up, because most of the time when they were singing, they went to sleep. So I just pick up the song and wake them up. And I thought none better than the Cucumber Song. Now it starts off with a classical intro. Now those of a weak heart should, if they're watching this shoot, take their tablets. So yeah, it's weird to watch because the channel, I think it was called Ishtar89, hang on, I'll tell you actually, I'll actually tell you what the channel was called on YouTube if you want to check out the other.

Starting point is 01:13:47 That video was posted 17 years ago. If you want to check out the other, John Isherwood. There's more up there, yeah, there's one of him telling a joke. It seems to be the channel is mostly for people who grew up in Portsmouth. Yeah, the most watched video on the channel is Telly Zavallis doing a promotional film for Portsmouth. Which was shown in cinemas in the 70s allegedly to drum up trawism. most watched video on the channel is Telly Zavallis doing a promotional film for Portsmouth. Which was shown in cinemas in the 70s allegedly to drum up trawism. So yeah, Ishtar 2 as in the film Ishtar with the number 2.

Starting point is 01:14:12 Which was a massive flop. Yeah. And there's, it's a weird, as I say the last video was uploaded 11 years ago, the first was 17 years ago and you forget YouTube's been going that long, it's crazy. Mostly loads of stuff but then you get those clips like John Isherwood just in this tatty nineties kitchen, drunk. He's drunk. It's sad. With young people, younger people around, you probably don't quite know who he is.

Starting point is 01:14:33 And he's performing his stuff there. Yeah. It makes me sad. The problem is also two other videos mentioned the Telly to Valis one that got 140 odd K thousand views. The other video that did well was dwarfwarf in a Gym, which is a terrible prank video with a dwarf in a gym. Yes.

Starting point is 01:14:50 So, you know, great. And then the other one that was popular was Drunk Falls off railings. Also not good. Yeah. Um, which is exactly, ladies and gentlemen, what you think. Well, someone's helping him. So then that doesn't go any well. It doesn't go well.

Starting point is 01:15:01 There's quite a severe fall at the end of it. It really sounds like something smacked open and he's one of those ones where he goes ah and it sounds like he's really in pain. He ended up, funnily enough, like most people who had their heyday in the 70s and 80s, he fucked off the Spain to live out the rest of his life. Oh did he? Yeah. So there's a little link between both records. So there's a very good chance that someone went to Toro Melinos for all we know, sat down on a little English language club pub style thing and went, ladies and gentlemen, folk superstar John Isherwood, who came out and sang the Cucumber song, which frankly is quite offensive. Yeah, it's not good.

Starting point is 01:15:34 I mean, we could play a clip of it, but effectively all you need to know is it's a very obvious joke about cucumbers, sung in a very camp and suggestive voice. Oh, he does a little, uh, yeah. Oh, yes, he does a camp sort of thing. Oh, get away. Oh he does a little uh yeah. Oh yes thing. Oh yeah. He does a cucumber. Oh get away. Oh god. Because he's even dressed like fucking Pete. Oh what's the Peter Weller? Not Peter Weller. Who's the guy from the jam? Paul Weller. Yeah. Peter Weller's RoboCop. If he was dressed as RoboCop in that video I'd probably highly recommend it. He's got a sort of moddish sort of clothes yeah. Yeah. Because they did they locked into that look and they never changed it. do tend to, yeah. Weird.

Starting point is 01:16:05 There's an eBay listing for that very copy you've got. You know how much it's going for on eBay? How much? 36 euros. You're joking. I mean it might be in much better condition than that but yeah. That's just ridiculous. Anyway, I shan't be parting with it.

Starting point is 01:16:17 No. So all the other Johnish awards I can find are all artists or modern day people who, you know. Well maybe we'll never know. I don't know if he's alive or dead. But RIP if he's dead and good on you. And I hope you die if you're alive. No, I don't.

Starting point is 01:16:31 And that brings us to, Paul, whether we think Apple Pie John Isherwood is a platter, worthy of remembrance, or a splatter, which we could just spank up the wall, then just chop big arcs of glue all over the wall. Big, ropey arcs. Big, big glue. Just chunky, rubbery, gloopy wads of man-muck all over. Wads of huge dollops of gloopy man-muck.

Starting point is 01:16:56 Man-muck! No, no! Power down! Power down! Power down! Power down! Oh you can really hear it in there can't you? Going through his grill, you can hear it going through his grill. You can really feel it bubbling up from his grill can't you? Poor old TrackBot. I would actually like to give that a platter.

Starting point is 01:17:22 I actually think as a standalone track without any other context, I quite like listening give that a platter. I actually think as a standalone track without any other context I quite like listening to that. I'm giving it a platter as well Paul of course. I love the production. Guitar sounds cool. It's got a lot of interesting sound effects and stuff. Fun. Fun. A fun novelty sort of tune. Not bad at all. Maybe you're John Isherwood yourself and you're listening to this and you feel bad because the way we've spoken about you and things. But don't worry, you've at least left a legacy in that your track is a platter on this reasonably unknown independent comedy podcast.

Starting point is 01:17:54 It's a platter for me, Paul. Well, what a packed platter that was this week, Mr Silverman. It was a platter for me, Paul. And I think it's only time now to wrap this show up, put a little bow on it and send it off for delivery to the ears of our listeners. It's a platter from me, Paul. And it's a platter from him, Paul. Oh, Cheap Show's over again.

Starting point is 01:18:16 Oh, we're getting close to 400. Seven weeks away. Seven scary weeks. And we've still got to plan the show. We've still got, because we've got to do something different for 400. We've mentioned it before but we're going to do a quote unquote TV style episode. And you know what episode 400 will be as a podcast, not episode 400. It won't be.

Starting point is 01:18:36 No, we're going to do something silly for 400, the podcast version, and direct everyone's attention to the YouTube version. Alright, cool. Well, I've got that to look forward to. We also got a live show coming up, don't we, Paul? In October. But look, hey, hey, hey, calm down. The one stop shop for Cheap Show info is our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. You go there and there are links to episode pages.

Starting point is 01:18:56 There are links to our YouTube channel. There's links to our social media, to the live show tickets and to our Patreon because lots of lovely people do support us on Patreon and their support gives us the wind beneath our wings we need to carry on and that is patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show and you get access to top tier people get a special video, there's a special monthly podcast, we do things like night busing, there's an irregular but very wonderful Cheap Show magazine. Night busing? That sounds interesting, Paul. What's night busing? We go on a bus at night and record our journey. Simple. It's only for Patreon backers. And now, because we're doing four nightly videos for YouTube, Cheap Shots, you will get instant access to them

Starting point is 01:19:40 well before they go out to the public. So you get to see those early. So if you would like to support us, and again, there's no pressure, patreon.com forward slash cheap show, give what you can, but please only if you can. And if you can't, spread the word with social media, reviews on good pods and apples and all those other podcast platforms. Thank you, Patreons.

Starting point is 01:19:57 I am actually giving virtual scrudgies. Yes, Eli is now offering virtual scrudgies. What is a virtual scrudgy? Hear that? Yeah, is that what it is? It's my squudgy beard off my... Oh, because you haven't got a beard. You've just got the tush at the moment, haven't you?

Starting point is 01:20:09 It's going back out and I'm going to go oily, oily, squudgy, squudgy. All right, and then how do people acclaim those? Well they just think about it. If they think about it, then it's virtually coming through the ether. Squudge, squudge, oily, oily, squudgy. What we could do is make the sound effect happen right now, right? The squudgy, squudgyy and then people can cut that out and just play it back to themselves and do what they want.

Starting point is 01:20:27 So go on. It's only for patrons. Now, only patrons can cut that out of this podcast and use it themselves. No one, please, can use that sound effect out of context. But enjoy the Scrooge. Enjoy the Scrooge. Now, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to open the door to the booth of Trackbot.

Starting point is 01:20:42 Oh, no. I'm going to open it up. Should I let the dog in then? No. Got wide-travelled Rob there. He wants to the booth of Trackbot. Oh no. I'm gonna open it up. Should I let the dog in then? No. Wide traveled Rob there, he wants to talk to the Trackbot. And he's just sitting there. Trackbot, I'm gonna let you out mate. I'm gonna let you out.

Starting point is 01:20:52 Rob. Rob, come on in. Come on mate, yeah. Yeah. Sit over here, shall I sit over here? You know what, sit on that chair. Just sit on that chair, just in front of that weird like white plastic booth thing. Oh hello everybody, I'm wide travelled.

Starting point is 01:21:08 Just sit there right in front of the door. Hello Paul, do you want to know where... Come on! Where's Trekfox? He invited me and I was quite excited to tell him about how widely travelled I'm very widely travelled. Are you interested in that? Oh, it looks like there's something in there. Get this, you prick! Ah!

Starting point is 01:21:32 I'm drowning! I can't swim! I'm trapped! I'm trapped! I'm trapped! I'm trapped! I'm trapped! I'm a blind travel dog! I'm a blind travel dog! And that's this week's episode where Eli makes the sounds of a man dying in a river of cum.

Starting point is 01:21:52 See you next week on the podcast!

CheapShow - Ep 393: Popcorn And Polk

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