CheapShow - Ep 394: A Bagful of Desperados

Starting point is 00:00:00 Well howdy partners, I'm old grumbling jocco and I'm here to go on a trail this fine day. We're gonna head out west, whoo-wee! We're gonna find some water and holes To nibble and a-gribble on And slurp-a-lant-a-gir-p-a-lon Ain't that right, partner? That's right! Well, I'm Elistifus with Stifusus! Do you want to try that again?

Starting point is 00:00:38 Do you want to come up with a real name? Because you're gonna have to repeat this throughout the episode. That is my name, sonny Jim. Elistifus with Istifus. That's not even what you said the first time. That is what I said. That is my name Sonny Jim, Elistephus with Istephus. That's even what you said the first time. That's what I said, that's my name. Okay, okay old Christopher. Elistephus with Istephus, okay. Okay, are you the Weetabix man as well? No. Okay. Now you better watch what you say to me boy. Why? I'm a desperate man. We're on the run you see to me, boy. Why? I'm a desperate man. We're on the run, you see pilgrims, this week.

Starting point is 00:01:08 Why? We're on the run from the law. We're gonna try and make a base and if we get cornered, we're gonna have to do a shootout. Because we got some, we got some, uh, what's the word for illegal liquor? Moonshine. Moonshine on us this week.

Starting point is 00:01:22 That's right, I'm a desperate man. Oh, and I'm a desperate man oh I'm a desperate man too and if any of those are rowdy sheriff of the laws coming by hey why'd he say me name was part name you can't remember Christopher's my sister this is why I don't like this name your name my house old grumbling jocco Oh jococco? Now, what kind of licky... Will you please come up with a name? I'm Elistophus with Sistophus.

Starting point is 00:01:48 It's easy to remember. It's not. This moment is proving that it's not. Elistophus with Sistophus. That's the name my mama gave me when I came out her patando. Why? Because she was pushing and as she came out she went, Vagistophus, Vagistophus!

Starting point is 00:02:04 That's right! Good to, for this to me. That's right. Good to know. Well-intuited old man. Now, what kind of drinks have we got, old Jacko? We raided, we went into the local saloon and we were psh psh psh. We came away with six bottles of Desperado. That's right.

Starting point is 00:02:21 Every single flavor of Desperado we could get our hands on apart from the zero alcohol one. Yeah, because that was pretty shirty. Right, so let's go to credits because I'm losing my accent. Eee, eee, I tell thee. Yee-haw, I'm a Lystophous Mocistophous. And I'm old grumbling jocco. And this is our Western Adventure Boys of Summer 2 type sequel.

Starting point is 00:02:44 Oh yeah! I don't know if that really does any good. If anything, it makes us sound mad. Straight from the off, just makes us sound mad. Hehehehe. Good afternoon. See? Mad. Right, we'll see you after this musical opening sting. Yeehaw indeed! So here we are walking through the fields of Trent Park, I don't think there's any

Starting point is 00:03:32 sort of clear delineation, close to Oakwood Station where we alighted for today's... Oh, someone's left... Tins. Did you leave this stuff here? It's a red bullet and a bottle of water. That's the droppings of a silverman. That is the exact type of detritus that I might deposit. But not me because I don't do that and you wouldn't let me anyway Paul.

Starting point is 00:03:55 No I don't like litterers. Litterbugs need to be stamped out. So here's the pre-seat of this week's episode. It's a half decent day with half decent weather. We thought we'd get out the house. And so we ended up here because we've never been in this part of London before as far as we know on the podcast. Well, we did when we...

Starting point is 00:04:15 Do you remember we had that big walk through the woods and we kind of got lost. That was up around here. Yeah, it was. It was. And you've got those brooks, Coppitt's brook and the other one, Pym's brook are up around here around here and Bruno Brooke as well. There's Bruno Brooks as well He's a he's a heavy-handed him. Isn't that some check win?

Starting point is 00:04:35 Pissheads right So we're going for a walk in the towards Trent Park World's end Botany Bay But on the way, we're gonna have a bit of a drinky-poo because it's the boys of summer walk, innit? What have we got? Well, we have every locally available variation on the Desperado brand of... Hooey! Desperado! The Round the Round! Yes, hence the western themed characterisation bit, which I hope you enjoyed at the beginning of the episode. No I did. I don't think, I think we're missing the strawberry pina colada one which wasn't there

Starting point is 00:05:09 but apart from that I think we have all of the different desperados. I was looking at the desperado wikipedia page. Yeah. Listed as beer. Yeah. It's just listed as beer. I mean it is, it's just, I mean it says tequila beer but there's no tequila anywhere near it. It's basically like a lager top, isn't it? Lime. Absolutely, but I think originally it did have tequila and then it came down in quality because it had tequila in it originally I believe and it was bought out not so long ago by Heineken. So Heineken make it. They ruin everything. What's the phrase Heineken's use for their drink? If you don't like Heineken, fuck Heineken make it. They ruin everything. What's the phrase Heineken's use

Starting point is 00:05:45 for their drink? If you don't like Heineken, fuck off or something. No, think of Carlsberg, probably the best lager in the world. But didn't Heineken have a pithy? Follow the bear. No that was um, no that wasn't, that was, there was a bear in that but that was like Hoff beer or Hoffmeister. Hoffmeister, yeah. What was Heineken's? Is it your strong virtue technique? No that's... Okay hang on let's fucking look this up. How do you spell Heineken? How do you spell Heineken? I'm not even gonna bother. What was Heineken's advertising catchphrase? Refreshes the parts other beers cannot reach. So there was one so this podcast will refresh the parts of the podcasts cannot reach and it reminds me of a t-shirt it reminds

Starting point is 00:06:34 me of a t-shirt which used to have Popeye and it said spinach in the Heineken font it said spinach refreshes the parts other foods can't reach or something and then it had his knob coming out like and being big and distended like his arm you know like his arm and it had a tattoo of an anchor on it his knob what does he then beat blue toe around the face with it basically wax him over the moon with one swing of his fucking muscly cock right in if you do also remember that humorous t-shirt from the 80s or indeed draw it yourself and post it to us on Instagram or email it to us, I know. We'd like to see it again.

Starting point is 00:07:09 Can someone please draw me a picture of Popeye's cock fully loaded and ready to punch out a big man? And make sure you don't forget to have a anchor, a naval anchor tattoo on it. But yeah, look, no, we've got a finale planned right a finale which we won't go into quite yet but it's Western themed and we got that we got whoo-wee we got the law on our back Justice T. Pillar Williger he's come for us he got a wanted sign over our... Justice P. T. Williger? Justice P.T. Williger, yeah you know him. Justice of the law.

Starting point is 00:07:47 If my name ain't Elistophus with Sistophus. And if my name ain't Gunty Bob or whatever it is I said. What was it? Grumbling Jocko. Oh Grumbling Jocko. That was my name. I thought you forgot your own birth name. We're wanted men this week on the podcast.

Starting point is 00:08:04 And we're going to drink some moonshine and hide from the law. And, um... Like a desperado! And if we have to, we're gonna have to shoot our way to freedom. I'm smoking some gunpowder. Ooey! Ooey! And I'm making love to my horse. When you say ooey, you sound like Mr. Poopypants of Rick and Morty.

Starting point is 00:08:21 Ooey! Don't you? Ah, poop mat panties. Actually mate, that's a serious point. I have not had time today because I had to leave the house early. For some reason I had to leave early and I have not dropped toffee today. So you're going to have to hold toffee back? Well, this could be the first podcast ever to feature a live plop.

Starting point is 00:08:42 A shit and impossible? Yeah, I'm gonna maybe record myself taking a huge fucking big wonker bar. Alfresco turdo. Alfresco droppage. Erm, do you mean that? I'm not, right now, if I'm being blunt with you. You feeling it? No, I'm not. But I usually, around midday, have my first dropping of the day and it's quite substantial.

Starting point is 00:09:06 And what time is it? 2.30. I'm late, you know. You might have a dentist appointment though. What does that mean? 2.30? Oh yeah. Yeah. Oh God. Poo-thirty. Poo-herty.

Starting point is 00:09:19 Poo-herty! Poo-herty is what it is. Well, it's a big field we've traversed. It is. A big field on a hill. Yeah. Where are we going to sit down? Well let's just go down there with the slopers and it gets a bit woodlandy.

Starting point is 00:09:32 By the woodland? Yeah and then we'll have a little smoke and then we'll crack on. Because we've got the low on our tail. And we can't get Justice P.T. Willoughby coming for us until he'll hang us high. He'll hang us by our naps? I won't let him. I won't let that justice peewility be Bo and his huntsman take us alive. What's his huntsman's name again? Jam-Rag Jambo. Jam-Rag Jambo. We taught you that name Jambo really. Do you want me to keep that in? name Jambo really. Do you want me to keep that in? No I don't. Let's go back. What are their names? Jamrag McGillis. You're not shouting Jamrag real loud in a field. We got

Starting point is 00:10:15 Doc Bloodsoak the fastest shooter in the land. The whole posse of mercenaries and you don't want to get on the right or wrong side of them. So we're gonna keep one step of the lull this week. Let's keep on going. We're gonna keep on going and we're gonna fight. Let's hunker down here and bivvy up a little bit of something. Bivvy up for something? A little bit of something. Smoke em, pipe em, pee some. You mean a bivver whack? Yeah. That sounds like a sleeping bag thing. Pope em, pipe em, pee some. Let's do that. Oh look, bull. Blue bull. bivouac yeah yeah that's like a sleeping bag thing pulp and pipe and peason let's do that oh look ball blue ball dog ball that's a that's gonna bring the law to

Starting point is 00:10:51 us we gotta get rid of here bye bye bye bye bye blue ball who are you? who are you? don't be kicking my blue balls about who Whoo, I'm getting confused with voices now. Who are? I'm cutting blue balls. And you've, I'll pick this one up. I'll pick this one up. Back in, back in the bird's nest. That's not your grade.

Starting point is 00:11:16 Taste all in seriousness. We should taste our first two. All right, let's find a place. Now I'll start with original just to get a baseline. Yes. To see what that's like. Yeah, we have to start with the OG before we go to the SP. The special products.

Starting point is 00:11:30 Yeah. OK. Well, well, mine dread. So look, we've got this little nook here. We'll sit here. That's a nice nook. All right, let's sit here. Lovely little corner of a field.

Starting point is 00:11:38 I'll take a photo. Take a corner of me. I'll be in the nook. There we go. Christ. and I'm posing and he's taking a picture and I won't look proud thank you oh there's a bloody wasp oh that's not a wasp who With a long stinger? Yeah, a fucking huge one. What was that? A hornet. We have hornets in the wild west? Hell yeah.

Starting point is 00:12:10 Right, let's just point. I think those ones with the long, hangy stingers, although they look ominous and menacing, are actually quite harmless. Also, I hurt my leg when we were filming a VESC and there's lots of blood now. Lots of blood coming out of that. Now, I won't be taking pictures, maybe.

Starting point is 00:12:26 I've got the hand wipes, maybe you should rub that on it. Until we do it now. I'll clean up. I've been shot by the Lord in a skirmish. Hooey! And I've got to put a little bit of this so-called hand cream on. I'll put a little bit of that.

Starting point is 00:12:40 That will then. Just gonna put a little bit here. Just a little bit, it might sting a bit. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ah, ah, ah that will, um... I'm just gonna put a little bit here. Just a little bit. It might sting a bit. Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh! Ha-ha-ha! Fucking arrrrrrr! Fucking stinky bastard! Yeah, but it's just... It's sick. God, my head hurt.

Starting point is 00:12:56 Okay. Is everything okay? Justice P.T. Willoughby's on my ass and he shot me. Shot me in the leg, he did. Well, I'll... Graze me. Don't worry, I'll let you. Mr Grumpy, what you call? Bobby...

Starting point is 00:13:11 Old Grumbling Jocko. Oh, Grumbling Jocko. Have we been brothers on the road for so long. Oh. My name ain't Elistophus with Sistophus. Right. I'm gonna... Let's just wrap this up and sit down. All right, I'll wrap your leg up in my special bandage.

Starting point is 00:13:28 Ten minutes and that's enough. I want to sit down and get ready. Alright, let's do that. Yee-haw! I'm gonna ride off on me horse. Ah, we found the spot. We found the spot to rest and begin sipping on some of that moonshine. Now let's get this out of the way. We're drinking flavored desperados today because there's a range. I knew there was one or two flavors but no there's a range.

Starting point is 00:14:02 We're going to surprise you as we go but we got a range of desperadoes for this couture. Now I do know that desperadoes have also done a range of alcoholic energy drinks we're not dealing with that mess today I've got my own Red Bull there for my mutagen needs and I got sweet cherry wine which you thought was a soft drink. It's one of those bottles like magnum, those magnum tonic wine bottles or buckfast for example that you always see in these and baby sham but you always see them discarded, you've skittum, it's like mad dog or something like that. It's a fortified cherry wine, it's 11% everybody oh it could be a sticky episode I mean but now we're both sober relatively speaking yeah apart from the poo poo now do you want

Starting point is 00:14:55 to have a little guess Paul it's all about desperados we are two desperados we're on the run we're on the run and also if in terms of this podcast we're outsiders we've got that kind of sigma male outsider energy. Edge Lords on the edge of London. How old Paul would you say Desperados as a brand when do you think it was introduced how long ago? I'm gonna say 1994. Oh very good, very good, 95. Almost exactly right well done. I've not done any pre-research on this pre-search. Tell me more interesting facts about the Desperado brand. Originated in France. Oh, strange innit? It's got this faux American thing going on. First produced by the French brewing company Fisher Brewery but now it is a Heineken subsidiary. Hymen. Hymen subsidiary.

Starting point is 00:15:59 This grass is fucking spiky. It's like sitting on nails and my bare leg skin is getting owie. It's not a it's not comfy grass no this is this is wild grass and it's the type of grass that your cat would eat and go but get some nice roughage down. Beer is sold in over 50 countries this beer. And gathering America and Mexico aren't two of them. Probably not, probably not, but it's funny because it goes on a sort of Mexican Tex-Mex kind of image doesn't it. I remember seeing it for the first time and thinking who in their right mind would want that, would want a tequila flavoured beer.

Starting point is 00:16:45 Mr. Gannon is one of those types. An outlaw on the edge of flavour town scouring the horizon for unusual alcoholic beverages. An edgelord on the flavour profile. Essentially it's an Alka-pop, isn't it really? More than a beer, I'd say. Nearly 6% of alcohol. 6% of alcohol-hole 6% volca-hole so strong It says here one more thing Paul the beer was reformulated and cheapened away from its original recipe using tequila

Starting point is 00:17:14 Because that's the thing. I mean basically this is just Lager in a lime flavor in it basically, but I didn't know it really had tequila And I don't know I when did they change It does not say, but they did at some point. Maybe when it was sold to Heineken. The Heineken big company wanted to make some efficiencies with it. They had to take out the USP of this and slap lime cordial in it. To be honest, they probably thought, we're spending all this money on real tequila to put in this product, which is utterly disgusting and is drunk by people who just

Starting point is 00:17:45 want to get fucked. Again, hello everyone, that's me, Winky Wink. They don't care, so why do we need to spend this money on a beer? I would say when it comes to cheaper lagers, gimmicky cheaper lagers, this is probably the most flavourful. Even you've said it's palatable this stuff. It's not like utterly sweet muck like harp or cork or hoof or groff or Wagner or whatever these fucking beers are called now. Skol. That's an old school one.

Starting point is 00:18:10 Skol, Skol, Skol, Skolody Skol. Why aren't you singing along? I don't know the words. I don't like Skol. Okay, okay. Is that all the facts? Yes, now it's made from malted barley glucose syrup a lot of sugar in there corn sugar aromatic compound agave spirit see that is tequila, but yeah, they probably just cheapened that so it doesn't have to be actual I'm just checking it now what it says in the back water malted barley glucose syrup same same hop extract acidity regulator citricric acid, natural flavorings doesn't say anything about the other the tequila, agave oh no contains agave spirit how much percent

Starting point is 00:18:54 do you think it is? Agave spirit yeah like 0.1 or something 0.1 percent yeah yeah why bother at that point what much of a difference is that? It's not even tequila. Now we're gonna have an issue here. I've just realized I ain't got no bottle opener. Guess who Gannon's got? Gannon's got it on his keychain. Yeah I'm gonna keep it. You hold that for a bit. I've got this years ago. This is a cheap price of shite item from the olden days, like episode 100 or so. It's a multi-tool keyring ornament. Yeah, you can screw, you can clip, it does nails, you can do all sorts with it, but it's also got a little bottle opener.

Starting point is 00:19:33 Not perfect, but definitely does the job. Allons-y. And we're going to have a little taste of our first desperado. This is the original... I'll be mother. Which one? Original flavour. Oh, it's quite foamy. I like a. Which one? Original flavour. Oh, it's quite foamy.

Starting point is 00:19:48 I like a foamy one. Wooee! Let's have some of this gosh darn moonshine. This is Desperado original flavour. Oh, it's nice. Clinkety clink. Here we go. Very limey. It just tastes like lager with some cordulant.

Starting point is 00:20:05 Yeah, it's very much like a shandy. It's refreshing though. It's not too bad, it's reasonably cool. Foamy. For later on when this is going to be blood temperature warm and it's going to be hard to get down. So let's enjoy this. Let's enjoy this. I have to say, there's an acridness that I'm not into.

Starting point is 00:20:25 There's a sort of acrid aftertaste, you know? I know what you mean, like you're tasting an aluminium can. Can-uh. Yeah. Can-uh. Or sucking on a two pence coin. That kind of thing. What was that, coiny, you used to say, didn't you?

Starting point is 00:20:37 It's a very coiny flavour. Oh, did I say that before? Yeah, you said it on Cheap Show. Yes. Not Cheap Show, you said it on Barshans all back in the day. I'm returning to my... Coiny. Yeah, that's exactly what it's like.

Starting point is 00:20:47 It's like when you've been handling a lot of coins, you've gone down to... You're running out of money, you've gone to the Coinstar in your recent... Oh yeah. In your local Sainsbury's and you've been handling loads of coins, some of them got wet and got all green. Oh Steve, green. And then you put it near your face and then you smell the coiny smell and at the same time you're juggling like a tin of skull

Starting point is 00:21:11 and a lime in your other hand and then you sneeze. I'm definitely getting at it, the lime cordial flavour. Yeah there's a sweetness and that the sweetness is not unpleasant and the beer taste itself and that the sweetness is not unpleasant and the beer taste itself the sort of multi-hoppy beer lagerie taste is also quite nice. So how is this a most wanted drink or a least wanted drink? Five stars being the best. Well and we're gonna have to modulate this. Yeah I might like one of the other flavors more. It might be much more like a cocktail some of the other flavors well some of them are based on them famous cocktails got that to look forward to. Which cocktails are we going to look forward to?

Starting point is 00:21:49 When? Today? I mean which cocktails will these versions of Desperado be based on? Because they are. Some might say misguidedly so, but we'll find out. I'm already feeling a little bit of a buzz off that one glass. Yeah I got a little bit of horsey moosy coming through. How should we get the cowboys back in then? We don't have to get them in for every sign off,

Starting point is 00:22:06 but we should at least stay within some kind of narrative. Oh, did you find out anything about the park? Yeah, I'll do that a bit later. Otherwise it gets a bit talky this bit. We've had a drink. Anyway, what is it? Five stars being the best? One star being... I don't know. I can't in all good consciousness.

Starting point is 00:22:22 I'm not going to expect a five. Paul, I'm going to have to give it. I'm going to go, can we go.75s? At the very least I'll give you half a star. God, we're both quite bilious already. At the most you mean. I can't refine it more than that. You also, at the very least, you can go... 2.5

Starting point is 00:22:43 I'm going to go with 3.5. I'm gonna go with 3.5. I'm a fan of desperado. It's my only drink of lager that I'll drink on my own time. You don't drink beer generally? No, I can't stomach it and because this is maybe it's because it's sweet and I have a sweet tooth. But 3.5 not the best thing in the world but palatable to me. It is it is it's it's not disgusting. I have I'll give you that. Oh dear. It's not disgusting, but there is an acridness, and it's not, SICKRIDNESS STANLEY! Acridness Stanley.

Starting point is 00:23:13 Who's that? Who's that? But it's not sickly sweet. No. It's not sickly sweet. Again, it's just like a lager top. Is that what they call it, a lager top? Or is that with lemonade, with lager top?

Starting point is 00:23:23 Lager top is where they give you most of a pint of beer and then top it up with the lemonade fountain. What is it if you just ask for lime then? Lager lime top? A lime top they'll put a little bit of lime cordial in yeah that's closer to that yeah yeah yeah well anyway there we go that's our first desperado drink down five to go. What's that called? Blackbird not Snakebite? Snakebite you know what that is? Lager and black. No that is what we'd call it but snake, Snakebite. Snakebite, you know what that is? Lager and black. No, that is what we'd call it, but Snakebite is yeah, blackcurrant and lager, isn't it? Blackcurrant and Guinness, I thought.

Starting point is 00:23:50 No, there is that, but I can't, there's a name. Isn't that, I don't know. That's Snakebite. No, I thought Snakebite was just lager and blackcurrant. Or cider and blackcurrant. What is Snakebite? What is Snakebite? drink what is snake bite where is snake bite? A snake bite is an alcoholic drink made with equal parts lager and cider

Starting point is 00:24:12 lager and cider yeah, oh Ask it what lager and black current is called you do that now with the with our Not really a Western theme is it using the internet but it's... According to Wikipedia, a snakebite is an alcoholic drink made with equal parts lager and cider. If a dash of blackcurrant cordial is added, it is known as a snakebite in black. Oh, okay, snakebite in black. Even though it's not black, is it? I have had Guinness in blackcurrant and I'll be honest with you... That will tear your soul apart that one. That's such a kind of, it's hard to explain because you know like Guinness is like thick and

Starting point is 00:24:51 malty. Guinness is already thick and then you get the syrupyness from the syrup. Well then you get this raspberry ripple almost vanilla-y thing going on which can feel like curdling. You know one thing I've learned over the years doing this podcast with you Paul, when it comes to cheap squashes, syrups, soft drinks, there's a lot of vanilla they put in, especially towards the cheaper end in those drinks, don't they? Vimto's got a shitload of vanilla in it. I think it makes up for lack of real sugar. Yeah, something like that. Yes, because it gives the sensation of sweetness without any being present, which is why vanilla must be be a huge boon. Huge boon. Huge boon. To confectionary makers and soft drink manufacturers the world over. I'm getting a bit verbose off the fucking desperado mate. Let's see if we have to hunker

Starting point is 00:25:37 down and make sweet love later on to desperados. We will. Can I wank on you then? No. If you're asleep can I just splash? You can wank on me if you're like at least sort of a hundred metres over there. Can I aim for you? You can, yeah. You can, listen when you're at home in Hallow. Splashings of my splashings all over you. For fuck's sake.

Starting point is 00:25:57 Like a nice big snail trail from my dick to your chin. Eww. Across the ground. And I'll say it's that naughty Mr. Snail. He came out of my willy, went all the way up up to your face waggled your chin and then came back I don't think I can do the rest of the today's episode. Well, that's great because we are so we're going to do We're gonna walk over to further into Trent Park and I'll give you some information on Trent Park later But for now, let's just settle and then we'll get our walk. How's your gash?

Starting point is 00:26:22 How dare you sir? That's a private part of me and I not wish to share it with this podcast. No, he hurt himself. He hurt himself on a log. We were filming the bit of video footage and I gashed my knee on, skin on a, what's that part? The shin.

Starting point is 00:26:35 It's your shin, yeah. Skin on my shin. I see that film, scary. Skin's your shin, they call it. Yeah, but the film's scary. Skin on my shin. It's like, it's a 90 minute film where the camera just stirs at my leg as it bleeds.

Starting point is 00:26:47 So let's just say what we're gonna do now. I just said we're gonna sit here for a minute and then we're gonna walk over to the... There's some kind of lake or something up there. We're just gonna keep walking ahead of the law. All we gotta do is be one step of the law. Hooey, one step of the law? We're gonna do it.

Starting point is 00:27:02 My name ain't Elizabeth Pespasivus. And if my name ain't old... PJ Proby. Grumbling Jocko. Oh, Jocko, you complete me. Oh, whatever your name is. Elizabeth Spasificis. I'm just gonna call you Syphilis for short.

Starting point is 00:27:19 Call me Syphilis Bob. A Syphilis Bob. Because you know what? I got plenty syphilis all over my... I'm sure you've... All over my genitals, all up in my brain stem. That's because you've been at the whole house. I've been at the whole house since I was knee-high to a frog. In there, they used to give me those blocks, those old...

Starting point is 00:27:37 I think we can wrap this up. No, no, let me finish the story. Chaco, let me finish the story! I used to go in the whole house with the coffee crate so I could get high enough to get my old man up in there. Okay, good. So, right, we're gonna head out on the trail. Yeah, worth it.

Starting point is 00:27:56 We're gonna head out on the trail now. Oh. And we're gonna head on over. Yee-haw. Yee-haw. No law man's gonna put me down. No way, no way. It is a weekday, it's Tuesday as we record this and we've just made our way from our first hunker down spot away from the Lowell and we're now heading up towards Trent Park.

Starting point is 00:28:45 What are they? Are these molehills? Yeah. Mole, mole. Nice to see some molehills. Nice to see some molehills. Shows us a bit of mole action. What are you meant to do with them? Stamp on them? I don't think that makes a difference does it? They used them already. I was going to use this bit to talk about Trent Park. I'll get my phone out. I put it in here didn't I? Right go on. I found a miniature skateboard. Oh you did didn't you? Pictures on the website everybody. Yeah Eli saw a bunch of kids toys outside of a home on the street and you just went and picked up what you wanted didn't you? Well don't you think that's what they were there for?

Starting point is 00:29:26 It was really signed in the window for the house, though. Do you see that where it says, in memory of Timmy Boy? Oh, it did. Oh, and if it was related. When you try and prank someone, you have to try and be better with your naming. No, Timmy Boy. No one's going to call Timmy, no one,

Starting point is 00:29:44 only in your demented head. Would someone call their dead kid Timmy Boy? Well he wasn't dead was he when he got his name Timmy Boy, was he? What's that up there? Oh it's two crows. Two ravens. From an angle I thought it was a rabbit. Oh yes, that's a point. This is pure rabbit land. You don't see any though. No, rabbit. Rabbit.

Starting point is 00:30:07 We haven't shut up. We haven't seen any swings yet everyone. No, no swings yet. This is prime swing country. Swing country. Oh, we've scared off one of the ravens. Anyway, so this is the point I was going to try and make. Tell us about the park, Paul. Right, so, Trent Park is an English country house together with its former extensive grounds

Starting point is 00:30:26 in North London. The original great house and a number of the statues and other structures located within the grounds such as the Orangerie. Oh, there's an Orangerie. Yeah, are grade two listed buildings. The site is designated as Metropolitan Greenbelt, lies within a conservation area and is also included at grade 2 within the registered parks and gardens of Special Historic England of interest. It's a

Starting point is 00:30:49 protected park and look there's a trough for horses. Yeah so you saw basically long time ago all this land owned by a couple of big knob posh knobs one of which was it Sussoon, Philip Sus cousin, son, nephew of Siegfried Sussun. Siegfried Sussun, who was a famous... War time, her... First World War poet, I believe. Yeah. It's funny, I remember all those school classes

Starting point is 00:31:14 where you learn about the poets of the First World War. That was... And their names, but I can't remember the number, the plays, the poets themselves. No. The poems, sorry. Wasn't there one called... Drop-ins! Owen Wilson. What kind of animal do you think that is? Dog? Cat? Dog. Wolf? Fox? Could be a fox. Odds are fox. It's too slimline for it to be a dog doesn't it? Cats tend to be a bit

Starting point is 00:31:39 nuggety. Yeah and cats have a much worse... Oh Someone has been shredding roses. Maybe there's a wedding here for Timmy Boy. Boy he grew up. Well yeah. Anyway. Ah. There's a... Wouldn't it come to some signage up here? History. Trent Park dates back to the 14th century when it was part of Enfield Chase. Blah blah blah.

Starting point is 00:32:04 Rich people owned it. rich people owned it. Rich people owned it. Sassoon. Oh yeah, when Philip Sassoon owned the house in the early 1900s, he used to have Charlie Chaplin around and Winston Churchill for tea and shit. Which is good innit? The house itself, yeah, it's posh. Second World War posh. Is it National Trust or something? I think so. There's a lot of history here. There's a college. There was some Dick Turpin action wasn't there?

Starting point is 00:32:30 There's Camelot Moat which we'll try and have a look for because it's within the country park close to Hadley Road entrance. Oh that's where we were before, Hadley. Do you remember? No it wasn't because that was like... Haddock. I don't think it's that. What's it called? This is a... wasn't. Haddock.

Starting point is 00:32:46 What's it called? Hadley. Anyway the name has been... Is that a house up there? Look there's some very massive... developments. That's miles away. It's nowhere near this land. You're having a problem with perspective. Anyway, it's

Starting point is 00:33:02 known as Camelot Moat, a little moated isle near that entrance. We'll have to find it maybe, but it's known as Camelot moat, a little moated isle near that entrance. I'll have to find it maybe but it's been abbreviated over the years to Camelot. Oh yeah but it's nothing to do with Camelot. So what's the original word? Camlet? Cam... Cam... Camlet moat. And now it's just called Camelot? Yeah. They found Roman shoes and daggers, mosaic tiles back in the day in the 1920s and apparently it is the area that used to be the haunt of Dick Turpin in the 1700s who was a highway robbery man. So you could hang out here all day and then wait for a coach to go past. And then stand and deliver your money or your

Starting point is 00:33:40 life. Oh, pineapple buds. You know you do this every walk. Yeah I know we've been through this before. Smell the pineapple though. I know but here's the thing we do this every walk. Don't you like the smell of pineapple though? I do but this is the state this is you've done this before. I live my life, I eat breakfast every day you know. Here's the best bit though here's the best bit for this park. Trent Park was used as a location the scene set in and around the boys boarding school in the 1983 Doctor Who story Mordred Undead featuring Peter Davidson as the fifth Doctor and that's a very interesting one because it has the Brigadier in it and the Brigadier is

Starting point is 00:34:17 in two different timelines and the Doctor meets him in one timeline or the same guy who always played Brigadier, I can't remember the name, Courtney, something Courtney. It wasn't Richard, no. The guy, mate, you know fuck all about Doctor Who. No, personally. You're not interested in Doctor Who, so don't step in as if you've got some interesting facts about the show. Why now, I don't.

Starting point is 00:34:35 When you've, historically. I was in a play directed by that guy though, wasn't I? Who? What play? Richard Franklin, who played the Master. Yes. So shut up. Wait, hang on. Richard Franklin.

Starting point is 00:34:45 Yeah, he's dead now. How did he die? Of old age, I think. I don't think Richard Franklin ever played. He played a? Richard Franklin, Australian film director. No. Richard Franklin actor. Actor and writer.

Starting point is 00:34:58 I don't think he was in Doctor Who. No, he wasn't. He was never the master. Died last year. Yeah, I mean, he's part of Doctor Who but I don't think... Well what was he? What did he play then? We're going to find out now. Oh, he was Captain Mike Yates of Unit in Doctor Who. That's right.

Starting point is 00:35:11 So he was a good guy. Okay, and the master's a bad guy? Yeah, that was Roger Delgado and then some other guy I can't remember, and then Eric Roberts and then... So I do have a little bit of a connection. That's Scottish girl. And I've been in... Who's been in more Doctor Who stuff? I have.

Starting point is 00:35:24 Suze Kempner? I was in that... Yeah, but in more Doctor Who stuff? I have. Suze Kempner? I was in that... yeah, but not... I meant out of me and you. Oh, I didn't know you were talking about that. I thought you just meant... I was just saying, you poked me in the chest and you very... David Tennant's probably been in quite a lot of Doctor Who, hasn't he? You poked me in the chest in a quite aggressive way to say I shouldn't step up

Starting point is 00:35:39 and talk about Doctor Who around you. You shouldn't? A bit like Ian Levine. You're a bit gatekeeper-y. Oh, you drop him his name in as if you're in with the fandom. Fuck off. No, because he's a Northern Soul guy, Ian Levine. Is he?

Starting point is 00:35:51 Yeah, he's a huge proponent of Northern Soul. Famously, he charted some kind of small plane to bring a load of records home when he was on holiday. Red Polk cattle are grazing in the park. Oh, that's good. Oh that's what that trough I saw was for. Oh yeah trough, trough trough. It was a trough to feed the cattle. Anyway which way are we going from this point on, are we crossing the road? Red pole cattle. Yeah. Anyway what are we doing now? Why are you so annoyed? What are we doing now? No fence grazing technology, no fence, there's no fence. No offense, no fence.

Starting point is 00:36:26 Anyway, look mate, what are we doing now, please? Which way are we going? The desperado has already made me wobbly and it's quite a warm day. I've walked off that half a desperado. We're half a desperado in and it was a ritual. I'll have some cherry beer now. I'm gonna get ahead of you and then I'm'm going to call you my best mate of all time. We're going to cuddle and we're going to patch our differences. I think before 400 we should patch our differences and start 400 as a loving positive duo. None of this fighting. Well you poked me in the chest and said I didn't know shit about Doctor Who then.

Starting point is 00:37:03 You fucking don't. You fucking fucking bear not well. Calm down. Where are we going seriously? Well have a look at the map with me. All right. Look we want to head to that lake. Is that right? Yeah. But we're ahead if we so that is.

Starting point is 00:37:15 We could go along this little pathway. It is that's the way. That's the way. This is just I mean it's just literally the road we're going on the side of the road then. That's fine. Well that's what we that's where it is. Do you want to go up there? Let's go up this way.

Starting point is 00:37:24 Yeah that's what we're going we're going to. I think we should go up that way, round and down. You know what I mean? Arch. Here we go. Right, so off we go. Yeah, we do. We'll find one soon. Right, so until then, we'll see you as we... Oh no. Oh mate, I can't get the voice right. Hoo oh we I think we're head off the law right now they ain't fixing for one of our plots that law man he ain't only a varmint and insufferable before in great base smell bad smell bad he smells of eggs and dicks eggs and dicks all the way down let's get out of here.

Starting point is 00:38:09 Right, so, oh there's a sign there actually. Now Eli's seen a big erection and he's curious. So, what are you looking at? It's a big pineapple on the end of a pole. Er, or a, what are you, a pillar. Yeah. Pictures on the website everyone. Yeah, there's a park. All dogs must be kept on leads. Fair enough. Right so, bio-dialogue, fucking hell, what's the noisiest fucking thing?

Starting point is 00:38:31 So, where are we? We are... where are we? Why isn't there a big sign saying you are here? Wouldn't that be brilliant? habitat features map bat boxes, tawny owl nests, wisteria war, gravel bugs I mean that could be anything that could be grubs and bugs for all we know there's a box full of foliage here on this side. Wow, nests, could just be another kind of nest daffodil lawn. Look let's think about this. Suds. What's suds? Culverts. It looks like a river, yeah. But it doesn't tell us where we are on this map. It does not. So this means nothing. Wisteria Walk, that looks good, doesn't it? Yeah, but this means nothing. Oh, there's gravel boards for... Mate, are you just repeating everything I literally just said in a minute?

Starting point is 00:39:17 Oh, there's another map there, maybe that one. Oh, here we go. Oh, here we go. Here's what we need, a UR. So, alright, right this is we're facing that way Sassoon collection oh is it that same guy no it's a fancy being a war poet and then you end up being famous for making they're not the same person I believe so that's the other narrative I'm putting out. Chaplin collection because Charlie Chaplin used to come here yeah and look Whistler why do you think there's a name Whistler here? Someone called Whistler used to be here. Yeah because there's a poet, Irish poet, Whistler. Is that to do with them? Yeah, must be. Queen

Starting point is 00:39:51 Elizabeth collection. So which way do you want to go? Should we go the mansion house itself? Yeah. We want to go to the lake behind don't we? That's where we're heading. This is on this... You'd have to go basically up the main road, Daffodil Crescent, through there, up there and then up that way. Shall we do that? I guess we're gonna have to because it looks like this road just... We go then we walk? I was thinking up this way because look maybe we can go into the woods and it goes all a bit woody. Well there we can do that as well. I reckon we should try that. So that is there and then take the left. A London cave. So we go round to the left there. Yeah we just follow it till the road goes past.

Starting point is 00:40:20 Glade Meuse. Until it ends and then we'll carry on. Well that's Glade Meuse. There's two sassuim collections, it's split into two. Look there's a little pathway up there, look at that. Should we do that? Let's just do that. Daffodil lawn. We're gonna do that now and then for our next sit down we're gonna have two desperado's. Because we need to get, because it's very heavy in my rucksack all this desperado. Yeah. Paul, it's quite a lovely pillar at the entrance to the park with a pineapple on the top. And that's literally just like putting,

Starting point is 00:40:48 you know, like today, it's like putting your Lamborghini on top of a pole or something, you know? No, that's exactly the analogy I would have made as well. Well done. It's a symbol of like extreme wealth now. It's like putting a lion at the top of your drive. No, but it's a pineapple. Yeah, but we've talked about this before. Pineapples was a symbol of affluence and wealth.

Starting point is 00:41:08 Yeah and you could hire one just so when your mates came around they sort of, that's what they do with expensive cars these days isn't it? That's what they do with me. Rich people hire me to sit in a car and they go look at him and I go ehhh and they go look at him do you want to spit on him and they degrade me. I think that's... And I get paid for it. I don't know. That's really dark, man. And they're coming at me. And it's the usual lot. You know, like Dr. Fox. Him. He spits at me. And calls me crab lad. He's a horrible man.

Starting point is 00:41:42 And then one day, one day I was sitting there and Dave Lee Travis came up to me and he was touching me on the shoulders like give me a back rub and he said DLT can get you out of this. And I was like, and I'm not allowed to talk. So I just made eye contact with him. I was like, hmm. And he goes, do you want to come back with me? And I was shaking my head.

Starting point is 00:42:00 And he went, you cock tease. And he walked off. Just for 50 quid. Just so Prince William and Harry can have me sit in a corner, and they spit at me. I know. And then what do you have to do? Wipe it in?

Starting point is 00:42:13 Paw Paw Paw, they call me. Paw Paw Paw. They don't call you Crab Lad, it's just Dr. Fox. No, it's only Dr. Fox who calls me that. I asked Pat Shoppe to beat him up for me. But Pat Shoppe said he just wanted to get his hands dirty. So I'm anyway, I'm booked in next Friday, but it's going to be my last one. Last one I promise.

Starting point is 00:42:33 Promise yourself. Yeah, because it's degrading mate. Sitting in the corner while they're having volvons and champagne and talking about suppressing the poor. And I'm there on a stool. Volvons? Yeah, that's how the rich work. And I'm sitting on a stool. Bolivans? Yeah that's how the rich work. I'm sitting on a stool and just speedos right yeah with a rope around my ankle

Starting point is 00:42:50 tied tied to the radiator. You couldn't leave if you wanted. If I have to go toilet I have to put my hand up and then they say just do it there and then they all watch as they're splitting yeah I'm not even allowed to pull my speedos down so I have to take a drop this is one of the darkest things we've ever done on the pod. They have to take a drop that's to kind of squeeze out the both sides of the speedo so I'm like I'm splitting it like a banana right up the middle then they all get on all foursy lines snuffle around it like pigs. Dr. Fox, Dr. Fox is on top of a chair squealing

Starting point is 00:43:27 and going hee hee, hee hee, hee hee hee. That's why Dr. Fox amused me more than you. I don't know, it's true though. Bruno Brooks is there as well. And just a cod piece and a monocle, such a weird look. Would Chegwin have been there you think, if he had lived? Yeah, well Chegwin used to be there before my time. You know what they called him?

Starting point is 00:43:46 The giggling nasty. The giggling nasty. Yeah, I don't know why. Can you imagine that in the dark, though? I don't know, because I've been in those dark rooms and you hear that, DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE E Yeah, something like that. And a drinks problem. Oh, this path's already gone off the bit. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Oh, where's this then?

Starting point is 00:44:10 Yeah, because this is where we're on the way. It's a housing estate just here. We're on the run from the law, mate. So it's best we hide our tracks. We'll get to the lake eventually. Look, look, here we are now. There's a nice little wood. We can have a sit down and another... I think we should. I think we've gotten ahead of the law enough to have two more drinks.

Starting point is 00:44:32 So let's find a nice quiet patch and do that. Yee-haw everybody! But yeah seriously that dog's off. The swing! Are you j... Ohhhhhhhhhh it's a... There's no way we can get on it because it's been damaged but it is officially a swing

Starting point is 00:44:48 You see it There's a blue piece of rope hanging from a branch But if someone has put some logs underneath I might have to give that a go I don't even know if I can reach that No, I don't think it's possible It's too high up The rope's too frayed

Starting point is 00:45:04 I'm afraid it's too frayed. I'm afraid it's too frayed. But you're gonna, I'm gonna take a pic, I'm gonna take a picture. So, alright. We have been denied a swing. But you know what though, actually this is good, because it means that maybe somewhere else there's been a string in the past. Always climbing to logs. I don't think you should do that mate. I don't think fakes are on your side here. Oh no. Shall I have a go? I'm a little bit taller. Yeah but I'm an unstable guy. Right I'm going to put the microphone here. Paul don't you might snap your ankle. I'm sorry for the boost in sound quality as I do this. Careful because that's not stable. You're not stable. You touch me.

Starting point is 00:45:48 What's your problem? I've got to do this all by myself. You're going to gas your leg again? Daddy said. You're going to get dirty. Can you get it? Oh! Jesus! Ow!

Starting point is 00:45:59 I told you that log was rolling. Paul! Oh, Paul. We should have been filming that. No I'm glad we didn't film that frankly. You've gone for a Burton. I did a Tim Burton. Richard Burton.

Starting point is 00:46:16 Come on let's get some Desperado. This might not be the last swing. No that's what I'm saying. If there's one there may be others. Look there's a little den that's been built over there Which project yeah, then all right well look I've got muck on me now don't drink at the den Oh, we got dirt on me scabs don't get dirt in the blood No, it's those police they set up a trap. Ow. That hurt me bits. You really did. He went for it, didn't he?

Starting point is 00:46:45 Ah. Oh. Ow. Not to moles. I bet they got mole pests from it. Right. Me and old syphilis Joe, we found a little den. A little hidey hole.

Starting point is 00:47:01 A little, what would you, little den? It's a little cabin with rickety old walls. We're gonna be protected from the law so I think we got time to finish off some of that more moonshine we've been hustling. We got desperado. We're gonna taste two desperados because I need to let my horse is sick. My horse is sick and I need a laden load. Old Betsy, she's full of load. Translation, he came in his horse.

Starting point is 00:47:33 I fucked my horse. I fucked that horse. I fucked the horse. I fucked the horse. Right. They call it Ship of the West because it's full of my cum. Why does that even work? Why does that even work conceptually? Ship of the West because it's full of my cum. Why does that even work? Why does that even work conceptually? Ship of the West, because it's full of my cum. Explain.

Starting point is 00:47:49 Seamen. Seamen of the West? No, it's full of seamen. Oh, the west. Well, there you go. Now, unfortunately, the timing of that has ruined the gag. Daisy, I call my horse. Yeah. Because it has pedals.

Starting point is 00:48:12 my horse. Yeah. Because it has pedals. Oh well do you know what? PJ Proby, what's your name again? PJ Proby? Old grumbling jocco. Jocco, jocco. You're Syphilis Joe. I'm Elizabeth Bufycifus to you. But known locally as Syphilis Joe. I'm known locally as Syphilis Joe and that's on account of all that syphilis. With the scabbiest horse in the West. Oh, my horse is 60% scab. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm like my shin. I'll keep going old Southern Belle. That's not what I want to do. Keep the accent going. Hey, hooey! I got to say, we both been hiding around here for some time hooting on and we're time to get our drink on. Come on. Are you feeling a bit of a thirst, all of you?

Starting point is 00:48:55 I'm feeling a bit of a thirst. The thirst of the trail? Call it the thirst of the trail. I've been carrying my horse and I left it by the riverside. I saw what I did to graze. I won't be seeing that horse again poor old Trixie Belle I'm gonna send her off to the land of sleeps okay you know I'm gonna fuck it oh anyway blah blah blah horses get fucked what wit right here we go end of our careers in the woods under a tree drinking fucking desperado we now on to the larger size

Starting point is 00:49:27 Desperado bottles that I've purchased for this today's show Paul. Red. What's red mean? I do not know but it has guarana and red fruit. Now do you know what guarana is? It's a natural... Irish girl's name isn't it? It's a natural caffeine. Oh Okay, guarana. So is this like a red bull-y kind of thing then? I think it is yeah it's a little bit of an energy vibe on this one. Does it say on the back, the small print? Contains caffeine. Or anything like that. No because I don't think it's a lot of caffeine. It does say 18 plus only,

Starting point is 00:49:59 not for pregnant women, not for driving and there you go. Not for driving, definitely don't give it to your car. But I've noticed since looking them up that it has a lot of, Desperado's have a lot of stuff in other languages and that's because it's a very international brand, 50 countries. And cheap, each bottle was like, well the small ones are 180 and then the flavored ones, they are more like

Starting point is 00:50:19 230, 240, whatever it was. Yeah, do you think that's expensive? Not really, no, but like, especially the normal regular bottles of Desperado are quite cheap, especially three packs you can get for like three for a fiver. Yeah, those were normal. They were onto the 400 milliliter bottles.

Starting point is 00:50:34 The red has a red color to it, like a brown now. Let's get this. Oh yeah, I've got me thing, here we go. Satisfying, and I'm gonna. Now I'm gonna give it a little hoff here. See what the red is saying see if you can tell any difference. It smells almost exactly the same as the last Esperado. What do you think? Oh it's got more of a fruit for me, more of a fruit nose. but I can still smell that lime and lager thing going on still yeah here we go I'm gonna get me some of that Indian hot water what was what was used to say Indian fire water yeah we're drinking some fire water no because they

Starting point is 00:51:20 didn't distill alcohol the Indians I don't think where did that come from that was like what they called it didn't they? Yeah. I'm not saying that's, I'm just saying that was the stereotype wasn't it? That's the way they talked. In America, in American movies that was the stereotype wasn't it? Hmm, me want some big and fire water. But one of the ways that the American colonialists destroyed the Native American populations, worse by introducing booze.

Starting point is 00:51:43 Yeah, you've got a fly in your head. In my head? It's buried itself in your head. What's it doing? It's going to bite my fucking head. It's like that one I saw with the big bit on. No, it's gone now. No, it's gone now. It's alright. Fruity notes. I'm getting more fruit than lime. More artificial berry.

Starting point is 00:52:02 Like a more rounded fruit flavour, rather than a tart lime one. Not unpleasant actually the smell for me. No, it's alright. Sort of soda, fruit soda smell. Feels a bit more effervescent this one. Weird flavor. What is that? That's so strange. It's like vomit. It's bile. It's bitter. Oh yeah that's what it is. It's terrible. It's the after wash after you've been sick kind of. Totally. That literally tastes like. Quite like it. Do you? No the acridness is worse. That is that is much worse. Have another sip because I think once the second sip the shock's gone. Pouring all over my shoes. My horse. He's pouring all over my horse. You've got to zip your bag up mate. Anyway I'm going to finish this because waste not want not. You don't have to drink if you don't want to be precious. Do you not get the vomit thing? I do but I don't think it's as strong as you're

Starting point is 00:53:00 making out. Here's what me think. Here's what me think. It's my phone. I don't know. Here's what me think. You had it a little while ago, so it's not far. Cause you were sitting down looking at it before we started recording. Right here? Yeah. I was.

Starting point is 00:53:12 So don't worry about that. It's got an upfront kind of desperado flavor. But in the back end. Which is a lime and beer and sugar sort of. But the back end's kind of like this glassy, almost metallicy fruit berry thing. So you get that kind of juicy fruit flavor, but it's wrapped around this tin foil kind of like this glassy, almost metallicy fruit berry thing. So you get that kind of juicy fruit flavor, but it's wrapped around this tin foil kind of thing.

Starting point is 00:53:29 That bitterness, the coiny bitterness in this one, for me has transformed into a real distinct like bile, tasting the mouth after vomit. Honestly, I can't, I can't. Well, don't finish it then. I can't disassociate from that taste when I taste this You're off the doctor hook it's the aftertaste is bad the front up front it's quite pleasant But they have to taste is like you meant like you know sick. Yeah, and you've got that's after vom flavor in your mouth

Starting point is 00:54:00 God, okay, so maybe it's a portent of things to come in your mouth. Oh god. Okay so maybe it's a portent of things to come. I hope it isn't. No. Have we ever been sick on the podcast? Like actually vomit us? Have either one of us actually thrown up on the podcast? I don't know. Not that I'm saying it's something we should aim for or even keep in an edit. No I don't think we have. No. I think the worst. We're grown ups, we're adults, you need to drink responsibly everyone okay we are not trained we're not drinking to excess right or we're not drinking with in excess either yeah we're not drinking with in excess either because they're all disbanded now since the sad departing of auto-erotic asphyxiation freak. Michael Hutchinson. Hutchins.

Starting point is 00:54:47 Hutchins, yeah. Yeah. It's funny, isn't it, how people always go on about Keith David Carradine or whatever his name is, who choked himself. But Hutchins doesn't get, well Hutchins wasn't as famous. Didn't have as long a career, did he?

Starting point is 00:54:58 Well no, but he shone brighter when you think about it because he was a rock and roll star of the 80s and excess was huge. I was at boarding school at the time and it was a big big deal in XS. I was well into them. Yeah. Like I haven't been into... Gonna have a good time tonight, rock and roll music, gonna play all night. Yes it fucking is. It's the song they gave to the Lost Boys soundtrack. Come on baby it won't take long, it's gonna take a minute just to sing my

Starting point is 00:55:25 song yeah I don't think it's one of the originals I think it's a cover they did just for the soundtrack it doesn't sound like one of their songs because they wrote their own songs one album yeah I need you tonight was a big one. What's one more? Oh yeah that one. No that's the same song. I know. I've got to let you know. Name one other song. In excess also did a Rudy McTooty gonna throw it in the pool. You're like a child the way you improvised. Right next one, next drink. Right we're moving on to the next one. To...

Starting point is 00:56:08 I mean I like the hit. I like, I'm getting a buzz off it. And so you can see that. It gives you, you know, it does what you want it to do. But honestly, that... I can't... I need to know. What's a different fucking song?

Starting point is 00:56:23 I know right, because they obviously had a few I used to love that album, I knew all the songs on it Oh Never Tear Us Apart Never Tear Us Apart Do you remember that one? There you go That was pretty decent, that was a ballad, no that was their own What was the name of that album? Kick, Kick

Starting point is 00:56:40 And that was one of the songs off it, Kick I'm gonna kick you It didn't go like that! Huh! Rudy Bacchini! I'm gonna sleep with Bob Gale Dove's wife and kick him out of bed! Oh. And be part of the...

Starting point is 00:56:55 It was a totally different time where he was sort of glamorous for that, but now he'd be seen as much more toxic, don't you think? Well, here's the thing. And the way that they were getting off with each other practically on the big brother set. He was being kind of portrayed as this kind of a Mark Bolan-esque rock and roll lover man you know sexy. A poet yeah yeah. When actually I think he's just a dirty owl man. Dirty owl. He wasn't old. Well he was older than I was when he was at a successful point in his career yeah and I was a wee bairn and I looked up to him

Starting point is 00:57:26 And I went and then I went and slept with Bob Geldof's wife and then I tried to wank myself off With a fucking dog The whole point of the lime in your mouth is so you don't choke to death it's not a lime it's a Gimp gag. It's not a lime it's a it's a gimp gag. No it's not. A bull gag. No you're meant to put a lemon or a lime in your mouth. So the citrus wakes you up? Yes. Ah. So you bite down on it as you choke and it kind of gets you out of the revel room. I would not. It's too dodgy that stuff. His mistake was not having a lime and a lemon and bringing a fucking grapefruit with him. Or someone else there. Not how I want to be found. It doesn't appeal the lemon that you put in your mouth. Next song. Next drink.

Starting point is 00:58:06 OK. Well, I'm sorry, Darko. Yeah, boy. I know we've been friends a long time. We've been out here on the trail. Outlaws. Outlaws on the trail. But I made a promise.

Starting point is 00:58:23 That I'd know. No, of five for that Desperado. The red Desperado. 1.5. You didn't like it? I would never drink that again. It wasn't fun enough. 1.5. I'll give it a one as well.

Starting point is 00:58:42 It was a distinct taste of the old vomit oh I'm not going to be drinking that down at the whole scarf and pickle now desperado's Cuba libre being bitten to fuck by things now Cuba libre it's the first of our ones that is based on a cocktail yes and you're eating me alive calm down you reveal our place to the for. There are a lot of mozzies around mate. Yeah I know. They're all fucking... Just drink this and we can go.

Starting point is 00:59:11 Ok. Um, Cuba Libre, the first of our... And you know what a Cuba Libre is? Uh, it's a sex act where you hold... That is a literal mozzie. That is a literal mozzie. I know. It's looking for blood.

Starting point is 00:59:20 Ugh. Oh this is not a good spot man. Well let's forry up then. Ok. Open. Okay. Cuba Libre what it is just skip to the bit where you don't ask questions just tell the facts. Coke and rum. Coke and rum. It's the national drink of Cuba. This isn't gonna be nice is it? Well because you'd think that the cola is gonna be of a low quality. The cola element. That's always the part that lets these down. Always. And also rum flavor anyway. I

Starting point is 00:59:41 think it might be nicer than that red, because that was pure vom. Let's find out. I've already been bitten by something. Can I just say though, I'm having a great time. Thanks very much for supporting the podcast and listening everyone. Thank you everyone. We're out here, North London.

Starting point is 00:59:56 I've started to have a good time. Maybe it's because I've done two glasses of, two big glasses of. Yeah, of all the naughty stuff. I don't like the smell of that. It's weirdly... I know there's a Coke note in there. But there's also a weird gravy note.

Starting point is 01:00:10 Seriously, tell me if you don't think there's a little bit of Bristol Bisto in it. Go on. Do you know what I mean? It's obviously not a gravy note. There's a savouriness. It's like a beefy... You're getting a savvoriness and that you know what that is that's the rum flavor oh yeah yeah it's a beef there's a little bit of an oxo tail it's like fuck from landing on it there's an oxo tail there

Starting point is 01:00:34 yeah right you've got your glass ready I've got me glass I'll give you a nice up to the line it's like very pale cola coloured this one. Brown. But it's too light. Coke is darker than that in the bottle. It's also being mixed with the lager and the rum, so that's lightening the whole thing. Die! He's just killed a mozzie. They are blatant mozzie though, everyone. It's them or me.

Starting point is 01:01:02 Right, I'm going in. First reaction? It's them or me. Right, I'm going in. First reaction? Urgh. It's weird. It's like a really piss poor rum and coke slathered in that lime, ale concoction. Which is the base note sort of original desperado flavour you're saying? There's a battle in my mouth between the light light elements of the drink the ale and the lime and the dark of elements the coke and the kind of chocolaty elements. Yeah yeah well I'm gonna go in now.

Starting point is 01:01:31 I don't hate it I'll say that definitely better than red. Oh yeah it doesn't have that horrible there's some acridness at the back but yeah it's like a weak cola flavor it's it's and it's not sweet enough so it's like the cola leaves leave the end of the cola note is left wanting because you need that sweetness at the end of a good cola. I'm also getting no rum there there's no rum profile to my to my palate. It just tastes like a slightly sour weak cola watered down cola like a desperado sour almost yeah kind of weird I don't know I mean it's foreshadowing yeah because there's some sour ones coming up is there yeah that's good I know it's all surprised to me that's definitely for me much more

Starting point is 01:02:15 palatable than the red it doesn't have that vomit note it just doesn't down better yeah cheers oh I drank it we should move on because we are getting eaten a lot yeah we got the place out. Yeah, we're going to head to the lake now. It's about way somewhere. Because you know what Daisy needs a... I can't ask. Can we just drop the horse stuff?

Starting point is 01:02:32 It's one extra... Let's just be on the run. You know, with no... Yeah, but we never planned this out. Oh, we had to shoot our horses for meat. Ah. Poor old Bessie. Gave me the runs, you're Bessie.

Starting point is 01:02:44 Poor old Trixie Belle. We had to eat our horse. I had to eat every bit of the horse and then I had to kill it and eat it. Actually eat it. I kept blowing it off. I kept the dick. As a memento. As a memento.

Starting point is 01:02:55 Something I can cling to at night. Holding on to as I'm... I've been using the dick as jerky. Have you? I've been jerking my dick. Dry horse dick jerky. Dry horse got a dry horse dick jerking. Dry horse dick. Dry horse dick jerking.

Starting point is 01:03:10 Let's stop with the horse. We're stopping. But now we've dealt with it. We have not dealt with it. We've dealt with the horse situation. Fuck me. There we go. Hey, partner, let's sit down down here for a little while and let's get some more libations put into our system.

Starting point is 01:03:56 What's your name again partner? Do you just want to give up on this? No I don't, I like it, I like myself, I'm Elizabeth's Miss Wizzlewiz. Grumbling, old grumbling Jacko. Jacko? Jacko. Jacko. Jacko, hoo hoo, hee hee. Shall we stop this? Nah, I don't want to. Right, so basically we're by the lake, we've found the lake and we've got this little jetty ahead of us.

Starting point is 01:04:21 Oh that's a big dragonfly. Is it? Yeah. A big meaty dragonfly. We've had problems with mosquitoes already and dragonflies they can leave a bite mate. Have you ever been? Oh mate. Mate of mine at school got bitten by a dragonfly and the welt afterwards was like a postural. How do you handle it? He must have obsessed it. I don't know. He must have disturbed it because they don't attack. It was like a school day out in the country Wales or something and it bit him and it looked like when it burst it was like nothing.

Starting point is 01:04:53 It was almost orange, the puss in it. Oh my word, that sounds terrible. Do you remember that? Yeah, I remember hearing the... as the whole skin burst and it all just oozed out. Ah, why? He was weird. Anyway, that became, he was scarred by that.

Starting point is 01:05:09 He was, yeah, he was his fault because he burst it, he could have let it go. Why are we talking? You've made that up. No, I haven't made that up. I can't remember his name. It was years ago and I was 10. Okay, now we're here to do a taste test by this jetty.

Starting point is 01:05:23 Yeah, I bought a little bit some infa-pour Now Eli wants in because Eli can't do anything by himself Big baby. Are you gonna pour yourself some? Yeah, I am, but this is cherry wine 200 ml 11% Volca-hole. I thought it was a soft drink, but it's not it contains sulfates What does that mean? Not good things for preserving stuff and they're very bad been linked to cancer. Sulfates you have in a lot of cured meat products as well. Why does this have sulfates in it? Because it's cheap nasty I mean I don't want to be like too un-PC here but it's Tramp Juice port. Made in Dublin. Yeah it's like Buckfast isn't it? It's like sweet Buckfast, it's a fortified, it's a horrendous...

Starting point is 01:06:11 It's by a company called Acolyte Wines Limited. Wadebridge, Hitler, US, UK. No not Hitler, what does it say? It's a postcode, it looks like the word Hitler. Anyway, Acoolade Wine Europe Trading Limited, second and first floors, one, two, Victoria buildings, Haddingdon Road, Dublin, drink responsibility. There's no recipe on it, there's no ingredients. It has to be, it's on the side there. No, no, that, well I just read out as the address.

Starting point is 01:06:40 Yes, by all means, but that's the address, mate. There are no, this contains this stuff. Do you want to now confirm on on microphone that I'm correct? Would you like to do that, please? Where are the ingredients? Thank you. Can you now apologize? I'm sorry. Thank you. Get you fucking snatchy back I just wanted one more little look. Yeah Nothing. There's not enough space left for the ingredients. It says please drink with sulphites, not sulfates. I knew it was sulphites. Same thing. Don't drink if you're pregnant.

Starting point is 01:07:10 I'm not. Typical. Not yet anyway. It's got the energy breakdown. Yeah, but that's not the ingredients, is it? Yeah. Right, here you go. I'll pour some for Eli. Oh, it's got a lovely, whiny colour, doesn't it? You're not having too much. That's enough for you. I got this for me. I got this for me I'm not being weird No, look see how kind I am just cover the ice. Yeah, this is Paulie woo's secret magic sauce

Starting point is 01:07:38 Smells a bit like wine like a cherry wine. It is a cherry wine poor. Oh, oh, yeah That's why it smells like that, but you know like a raisiny, yeah a grapey smell but it also has a sort of Ribena smell doesn't it? I like Ribena. I was going to I was said to you before we started recording I bet this is the best tasting drink we have all day. Yeah. Better than all the Desperado. Well let's find out. Chin chin. Very sweet I'd say. Chin chin down it goes. Oh oh that is like Ribena. Yeah like a cherry Ribena but with that red wine glaze. There's a copter there's a copter there's a copter it's going a copter, it's going over.

Starting point is 01:08:26 Why does it sound weird? I don't think it's a very high powered one. It's quite... I've never heard... It's sounding normal again. I've never heard rotors go... It's going to go right below it, I think. Is it the Bruce Forsythe copter? And...

Starting point is 01:08:39 And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And...

Starting point is 01:08:44 And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... Dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, there, little lips worth, like that. Not a tongue's worth, a little bit of tongue's worth of toffee went like that. Yeah, he's sticking his tongue out, it's near my face everyone. Feeling randy. This is not good stuff. No, but at least yours is cold, I've just got mine in the cup. I've got my ice out. I like you see sad, not arse,

Starting point is 01:09:22 in case anyone wants me to see. Do you want to see Eli's arse on the podcast? We haven't seen we should get our arses out. No, absolutely not. I bet you've got a lovely bum I've never asked about your bum before. Well, how do you rate your bum on a scale of one flat to ten? Rounded and full it's rounded and full. I mean there can be no doubt. I have a dancers behind He disagrees. What do you think of my bottom? I think I've got a nice one. All my partners have always said my bottom and my hands are the favorite parts of me. Not my face or my wanger. People like my eyes and my bum. When they do Dane to have. I reckon when someone's taking a photograph of your bum and your eyes

Starting point is 01:10:07 and superimpose them on one another and make the ultimate Eli. I really am not liking... Then I'll have Hansenbum and that'll be the ultimate Ganon. This weird flop... Like the beach ball from Darkstar. That's what that'll look like.

Starting point is 01:10:21 That glass of wine sent me over the top and I can't operate. I'm still drinking it. Like I'm supping it like a baby soaps mother's milk. Mmm. Maybe what you need is a bit of a snack, mate. Because maybe what you're talking needs. Oh yeah, I could do with a snack actually. So I got these in the same shop.

Starting point is 01:10:37 We got the Desperados. What are they? They are Lorenz. Yeah. And we know who Lorenz are. Yeah. They had an oil that saved the child's life. Lorenzo's oil. They are probably the biggest competitors to Lay's stroke walkers on the planet. Big, big crisp company. These are K-X-Cut. Krunchips X-Cut which is what they call ruffles or whatever the ridges. X-cut means nothing. Kebab style and they have a picture of a

Starting point is 01:11:08 donor and some onion rings and two garlic cloves. Now have we done kebab flavored stuff on the pod before? I want to say yeah. We did the Donna kebab flavored pot noodle an aberration. Oh god that was awful. And what were the notes? We've done some kebab flavored crisps and they were pretty good. You know if you think about it it's really just a spicy beef flavoured crisp. Isn't it lamb though? Isn't it meant to be lamb? What's a lamb flavoured crisp on its own? Spicy lamb. Have you ever had a spicy lamb flavoured crisp? I mean maybe. I think there was a roast lamb one wasn't it? Yeah it's not. No it's because it's that gameyness doesn't go well. I don't like lamb for two reasons. One, I don't like the flavour too.

Starting point is 01:11:46 It makes me genuinely sad to think of the idea of eating a young creature that hasn't lived yet and now it's lamb chop. Why does it have to be young to be better, to be in meat? Well because it tastes less gamey. As humanity we don't need that. Mutton tastes good as well though. No, people always talk about mutton. Do you want an old one?

Starting point is 01:12:04 I don't mind an old one but I don't need that. Mutton tastes good as well though. No, people always talk about mutton. Do you want an old one? I don't mind an old one but I don't like lamb anyway, it makes me sad. Makes me sad. Cows have feelings just like lambs. Yeah but cows don't get killed when they're calves. Oh that's veal isn't it? Yeah but I don't eat veal do I? No more.

Starting point is 01:12:20 Erm. Anyway I'll let you do the hoof mate. Oh it's a very pleasing. Yeah. Like an all crisp it's like all savory crisps all rolled into one this. There's an oniony beef chicken. Oh yeah yeah because what would you say the Donner profile is? It's spicy meat. There's no onions in or anything, how do you get the onion flavour in there? There's definitely an onion coming off the nose there isn't it? That's more cheesy to me we've had this discussion before where where does cheese stop and spring roll begin? Onion begin. But you know same difference.

Starting point is 01:13:00 Now these have a very dense ridge do you think that's not as good the dense ridge? Depends some are better than others. Yeah we like this, it's salty. Umami hits like beef finishes like roast chicken. Yeah a little bit lower that. Yes I agree that's a perfect way to describe it. Very much in between a sort of barbecue beef flavor and a roast chicken flavor Yeah, isn't it? Happy with that right well They're tasty to oh by the way on a bench and Eli who's the bench belong to in memory of Andrew woody with the woo homes what's all that about what's all that about

Starting point is 01:13:44 They don't explain but he was He died only a few years ago in 2020 RIP to you Woody with a woo What do you reckon that means? Woody with a woo's here You go alright I'm your bingo caller tonight Woody with a woo

Starting point is 01:14:00 Anyone listening by the way When me and Eli die Can someone please raise the funds for us to have a bench somewhere Where would you like to have a bench? Hamsted Heath. Can someone please do it a cheap show bench in Hamsted Heath for me and Eli poor woody with a woo gun and It's a real person who died not that long ago. I'm a real person who dies or have I No No ghost again. Yeah. I'm a real person who dies or have I? No, no ghost again. Yeah I'm a ghost.

Starting point is 01:14:28 Sorry I've been talking my mouth full. It's all right it's been good eating. Oh those are so morose. Yeah we're gonna have more. Anyway let's just chill here and then we're gonna walk up to Camelot, Moat or whatever it's called. Cherry wine. It's all right. It was. Get your piss quick. That's what I'm gonna finish it off now oh that squirrel look at that squirrel he's walking along yeah he paid attention to us in a minute hopping along can you give crisps can you give kebab flavored crisps to squirrels absolutely I'll throw it in the air oh he saw that oh he might be a trap. Nah, fair play.

Starting point is 01:15:06 You know, you've got to be quite guarded. Right, we're going to chill here and finish our Cheriwine and crisps and then we're going to head on to Camelot's Moat. Oh yeah, we've got a moat coming up everyone. Yeah, we've already said that. We're going to go to Camelot's Moat or Camelot. That'll be most fun.

Starting point is 01:15:22 Won't it? Yeah, he's eating crisps. Right, alright, let's just sit here by the lake I believe Sheriff PT Hillebury he yeah he on his way I'm having a hold down. We need to have a hold down. Hey we got to keep it down in case Sheriff of the law PT Hillebury come on over here and he's gonna take us of the law P.T. Hilliburry come on over here and he gonna take us to the law and hang us high. He ain't nothing but a build-a-bury that Hilliburry. He ain't nothing but a spipsqueak to a popscop. I'll tell you something.

Starting point is 01:15:56 Oh dear. Oh dear. Something came up. Jacko. Yeah, Jacko. Jacko. My name is Jacko. I'll tell you something.

Starting point is 01:16:05 That little man hillybilly ain't nothing but a billybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillybillyb I'm late. I'm late. Hey, I might be joculating all over you. No, you know what? I don't like that. I'm gonna stop. I'm trying to make joc-o-late be ejaculate. Ejaculate. Ejaculate. Ejaculate. Yeah, it's not good. I'm gonna stop it. I'm out. I'm out. I'm pulling out. That old lawman Hillebury. Alright, he's gone. We're doing our thing now.

Starting point is 01:16:44 Shut up. Cause you doing our thing now. Shut up! Because you're sounding mad now. You're hiding behind the bench like a nutcase. It's like you're doing a shitty Punch and Judy show. I tell you! You rotter! You dirty rotter! Right, let's shh, shh. The low man coming.

Starting point is 01:17:04 We've got to hide away from the low man Which way we go which way we go now this way So it's uphill which I didn't expect downhill now It's downhill all the way for us. Did that kill you? It did actually. Oh, that's a big dog. That's a big dog. I don't like it. It's got its tongue out, which means it's horny.

Starting point is 01:17:33 That's okay. Is it? It's okay for a horny dog, is it? Look at him. He's checking with his owner. Can I fuck these two up? Can I? Well, we can't. we're not gonna let him.

Starting point is 01:17:46 Oh no, the owner's like even getting his attention. Oh yeah, just a bit. This might be the last audio you hear of me. We'll see. Alright, no, we're safe. It ran on by. Tell you what the irony would be if that big fucking dog ran on by with that tiny little one head. On my throat. Just fucking tearing your juggler out.

Starting point is 01:18:06 Looks like a little beagle or something, not a little beagle, like a spaniel. Prince Charles spaniel maybe. Yeah is that what you think? That's what I would suggest. It's a brown spot, it's white with brown spots and big floppy ears. It's a dog. Much smaller dog. Oh fucking dogs are the same aren't they? Boring four legged cunts.

Starting point is 01:18:21 Alright I don't know why, it's weird. Pepsi Max cherry and dogs. And the French, I've noticed. So imagine being a French dog drinking Pepsi Max. Imagine where that would get you on my hit list. Top of your hit list, I'd say. Top of the hit list, though it is. Hello, I'm Monsieur Woof.

Starting point is 01:18:40 Hello, Monsieur Woof. You know what I like to drink? What do you like to drink? Italian Monsieur Wolf. Hey I'm a trans European dog. I like to drink the pepper di macchiette. We've come to another fork in the mud. I reckon we go up this way. Oh it's a bit daunting up there. No, it's alright. Look at... What? I'm going to check the map again because that's... Nah, this is fine. No, look at that! It's a lovely pasture.

Starting point is 01:19:09 No! Oh, it's the men here. It's the what? The obelisk. Wow, that's cool, isn't it? Oh, it's quite... What's it say? Was it St George's...? I don't know. No, that's further up as far as I know.

Starting point is 01:19:21 No, that's it. That has to be. I mean, that's an obelisk. You're an obelisk. You're an obelisk. You're knobs at risk. If you don't keep up repayments. That is quite striking isn't it? Yeah, oh. A big stone obelisk right in the centre of the path but it's on both sides very close the trees are pressing in so it's there sitting there. Well this pastry way that leads to it. It's very much a pastry. Do you know what it feels like like when Edward Woodward meets the Wiccaman for the first time. It's got a bit of a folk horror vibe. Are we going up here? Yeah we are fucking going up. I want to touch the obelisk, the noblisk. I don't think it the moat though? No it is, because then it'll go up that way round.

Starting point is 01:20:06 At some point the path will give it away. Oh, the woods are getting dark mate. Is the sun going down? Yeah, well it's all so cloudy because it's been warm, but it's not really been sunny today. It's been great. Oh, I felt a drop of rain. Oh no.

Starting point is 01:20:19 Oh, I'm going to get wet. It's not raining now. Mate, I'm kind of feeling it. I want to be drenched in God's rain and be naked under it. In God's rain. I wanna be naked in the rain. What the f... That was a little dog or something.

Starting point is 01:20:33 No, that was a red squirrel. Was it? Yeah, they're rare. Are you sure? That was no red squirrel. It looked like it. What else? It wasn't a dog.

Starting point is 01:20:41 Could have been a mount jack. What's a mount jack? Small deer. Well, I don't know. Could have been a mountjack. What's a mountjack? Small deer. Well, I don't know. Could have been a rabbit. Yeah, could have been a rabbit, but it was too red. You both saw it though, didn't we? It wasn't red, it was more brown.

Starting point is 01:20:52 It was red. I saw brown. Faeorsies. Just don't, just don't. My undies have seen brown. I'll tell you that for a fucking fact. Oh dear. I'm taking you down to Browntown.

Starting point is 01:21:03 That's my new dash phrase everyone, oh dear. That's mine, TM Paul Gannon. Here we're going to cross a little bridge, this is very dramatic. It is isn't it? Go up on the bridge, I'll take a shot with the men here in the back. Alright good. I don't often get to be in pictures on this fucking show. It's nice. There's a little bridge here. Yeah this is the river. I don't know what your perspective's like, it's hard for me to judge. Yeah? Alright, good. I've pointed to the obelisk. Fucking hell, it's kind of spooky. I'll be honest, after that cherry wine and those fucking desperados, there's a churning going on. Are you flagging?

Starting point is 01:21:39 No, there's a lack of equilibrium in my head that I'm not enjoying right now. I think that cherry wine is really flushing the rest of my balance down the shitpipe. Paul, we have two more desperados to try. And they're going to be warm. We have one ice cube however, with which to cool our desperados down. That's alright, we'll make it work. We'll make it work. We'll make it work. We just need to do our duty as journalists and report. Journalists. And we've got the weirdest ones yet to come everybody. If we do one at the Obelisk I feel it's apt. That was a squirrel. Oh it's all dark in those woods now. It really is. It's all gotten a bit spooky woo.

Starting point is 01:22:27 Approaching the obelisk. Obelisk approach activate. It's all uphill though, fuck me. He's beeping. Oh, it's quite striking when you come up here. Oh mate, mate, come here quick. Look at this. There have been outlaws ahead of us on the way.

Starting point is 01:22:49 There's proof. What's that? What's that? It's a massive can of Desperado. Oh, there's Desperado's all over this range. Discarded Desperado original. They've got no imagination, obviously. Absolutely no imagination whatsoever. Do you know what the great thing about this walkers when we're all done

Starting point is 01:23:07 and we go haha goodbye that was cheap show I don't know how we get home I lied you totally lie I'm the person who gets everyone killed in a horror film he ain't no a shotgun oh there's a bench at the foot of the obelisk. Perfect. Let's do that then. Let's have a drink there. And then we'll walk on to the moat. And then to our grand finale. As long as we've got daylight. Oh it's fucking looking ropey.

Starting point is 01:23:38 What time is it? It's six o'clock. I know. I know they don't go down for a while. But it's still going to be dark and cloudy when we go into the woods for our Showdown It might be too dark Yeah, here's my thing look at that what a thing Amazing all right. I tell you what we're gonna set up by the bench and have another desperado and then regret that

Starting point is 01:24:03 And then get back to you. So hey, oh see it a bit yee-haw etc narrative ongoing. Right we're underneath the big monolith on a bench which this one's for Brenda Pratt and Norma Davies Adams Norma Adams. What's with them what did they do they like the park? Happy memories to Brenda and Norma miss you so much 2008. That's all I've got to go on. We're underneath the obelisk Is obelisk and We're gonna try our next Desperado you may notice in the tone of our voice that the alcohol and walking has taken quite the effect of our evuverate I've lost my evuverate. My viva evuverate. My viva vuvverate. My vivaevolver has got involved in an accident. My vivaevolver is involved in a very bad accident ladies and gentlemen. Right okay whoo whoo whoo shut up now.

Starting point is 01:25:01 You shut up. You shut up now. Why don't you? I've got the key. You are your stupid key. Yeah, but they've opened these. If we didn't have them, what would we have done? What would we have done? What would Woody Woo have done? We would have just banged it off a lighter. But we couldn't have even done that because I brought a lighter.

Starting point is 01:25:20 You didn't even do that. So once again, what would we have done? What would we have done? What would we have done what what we've done We saw animals and creatures What we did see something whilst we were walking on the very scenic recorded this as it happened. Oh Yeah, oh dear. Are you like? Oh dear. Mr. Eli. Oh someone's spits. Explain to me what the Hwak-Turb girl is. Wow. That's a dog. It's a Basset hound or something. It's not a Basset hound, it's an old grumbly Waffert. It's like Marmaduke, big floppy ears. I don't know what kind of

Starting point is 01:25:59 pet that is though, I'm not aware of type. Oh bit of a sprite owning it there you go he's happy. There you go. Good dog. Good dog did a bit of a piss just to say this is mine and I'll be back here. They're not saying this is mine they're saying I've been here I'm familiar with this area. If you should do that then. I'm gonna piss just there and say it's mine I've been here. No it's not you know listening to me are you? It's not to say it's mine. You'd think a dog thinks it owns that hedge. Yeah it does. It doesn't think that. It says I've been here this is mine. No he says it's been here this represents part of my territory so we need to get into negotiations. If you were to come in here around here if you want to come in around here and you're another dog, are you a dog? Can I ask this? Woof woof, I'm a dog.

Starting point is 01:26:46 That's not very convincing. Woof woof. Okay, what kind of dog are you up to the office. They are. It's like a granny invasion. Who is this? It's a mot... they're all jogging. And they're jogging. They're about five minutes away, top.

Starting point is 01:27:12 Let's get this open. Oh, this isn't going to work. It's uphill so there's drag. Come on, mate. They'll just have to watch us being debauched. Hang on. Open up another little bottle of Desperado. Are they orienteering or something, you think?

Starting point is 01:27:24 Pina colada scotch, it's crushed, flavoured with rum. Now, does a Pina Colada have rum in traditionally? I don't know. Doesn't it have tequila in it? I don't know. If you like Pina Coladas, and making love in the rain. If you like making it over midnight. Ingredients of a Pina colada. What

Starting point is 01:27:46 are the ingredients? Oh they're coming, they are jogging, they've made some distance. Aren't they gonna let these cunts judge me? What are they gonna do? Jog pass and look all healthy. The first one's already shown his head. He's crowned the crest of the horizon. His head has crested over the crown. He's crowned. They're all here, they're crowning. There's loads of them crowning right now. Oh, these little heads coming out. Can't we think, probably.

Starting point is 01:28:12 Crowning. Nah, they're all group wankers. Oh, it is rum. Yes. Okay, so it's flavoured with rum. Coconut cream would be in the... Sniff. Coconut there.

Starting point is 01:28:24 There's... Coconut there. But it's a bounty kind of coconut smell as opposed to a suntan oil which we got off the the dr. pepper coconut creme which you can see on our short cheap shots on YouTube this will be that that will be out by this point but I have to tell you that has appeared everywhere now it's not just a special edition they've they've rolled out the coconut creme flavored Dr. Pepper all over. And we didn't think much of it, did we? No, we didn't. Cheap Show says all, Cheap Show knows all.

Starting point is 01:28:51 I don't think much of this one. They're all going to stand here now. They're going to fucking come, OK? I'm salty this without them. Yeah, but maybe we're going to. We are, but we're going to. We're going to. They'll fuck off once they're all here.

Starting point is 01:29:00 Here we go. One for daddy. This is we should say this color of this one is very much like the original yellow. It's pale yellow. It's a pale lager color. Yeah right. Here we go. Look at the head on that.

Starting point is 01:29:15 It's a frothy one innit. It's got a good froth. Now I did splash it out liberally so that's why it's got a foamy head so I apologize for that. What can we say about the carbonation level across all of these desperados we've had? Actually not bad. Pretty good. I'd say pretty, pretty good. Pretty good carbonation of desperado. We can at least say that.

Starting point is 01:29:31 Oh here they fucking come, coughing and wheezing while we're having a drink. I'm gonna drown it anyway. I'm gonna drink it because I'm a man. A man of means. I want a flavor note. I'm getting coconut. There's a little bit of that lager in the background. Alright, no, but on the tongue. All right. Go on, pour it over your tongue.

Starting point is 01:29:48 It's like we're being surrounded by seagulls. Just drink the booze. I'm going to have to... You drink it as well. Oh, is it raining? No. Oh, God. That's his least favourite, everybody. That does not work.

Starting point is 01:30:03 Daddy, don't work for money. What's wrong with that? The coconut is so overwhelming that when the lager peak poop poops through at the end Poops through at the end. It gives it kind of nasty tank like a battery tank There should be some citrus in there or some sweetness. No, no go on do you do it? What do you think of that Not good is it I don't mind that really I you mean. That's a meat dollar here we fucking go. Yeah, okay Right, so I'm gonna rate what you got. Did we rate the others? We did didn't we? Come on The red I gave. The Cuba Libra I gave one. The Cuba Libra I didn't give it a mark. I gave it a three

Starting point is 01:30:43 I'll give the Cuba Libra a two. There we a mark I gave it a three Cuba Libra two there we go so what about this one then how about this what does the desperado say to you this one I'll give a 2.5 same as I gave to the original I would give this a 1.750 to the to the nth no to the end don't like this again it's that it's similar to actually to the the Dr Pepper coconut one because the flavours don't gel. The coconut just sits on top like an unwanted present. Like a tear-than-a-birthday cake, innit? It's not undrinkable. I don't know what it is about coconut.

Starting point is 01:31:20 Coconut? Coconut. I don't know what it is about coconut that I don't like in drinks as a flavor profile across the board yeah this is a personal thing lover no he's gonna have some more though everyone do you want some more I do as well let's have a little bit more the bigger bottles aren't they yeah this is our penultimate desperado of the day we We have one more. I kind of feel bad drinking alcohol on a bench as a bunch of people jog. It's a free country and we

Starting point is 01:31:51 could do what we want in this free country. I don't think you are allowed to drink in public really. Oh hang on they're about to, just give me a sec. Off they go. Fuck off. Go fuck off all of you. Fuck off. Fuck off. They didn't do nothing wrong. Yeah, do you know what they did?

Starting point is 01:32:13 They ruined this segment for our listenership. People listened to this fucking home going, don't want to hear plebs in the background, old people jogging up a hill. Of the desperados we've done, I put the pina colada jogging up a hill. Of the desperados we've done, I put the Pina Colada in second place after original. Then in third, I put the Cuba Libra.

Starting point is 01:32:30 And then in last place, I put the red, the red tasted of puke. And I can't emphasize this enough, everyone. Red desperado, it's not worth your money. Cuba Libra above it. Oh yeah. Yeah, that'd be my second favorite to date so far. You're gonna put that above that. How many have we got left?

Starting point is 01:32:46 One. Oh I know which one it is as well and it's gone godly. Oh no, we've got two. Have we? I've lost track, we did one, then we did two, then we done one. So that's four. We've got two. Let's do another one.

Starting point is 01:32:57 You want to do another one? Yeah, I want to do another one now. Wow, I'm under the obelisk. I feel empowered. Just give me a nod for which one you like out of the last two. That one. Alright. That's the other.

Starting point is 01:33:09 Oooh. This or this? Oooh. I think, I think melon cooler. Oh, we're going with the melon cooler. Let me just take a quick break and then we'll come back and I've got a re- so I've got to take a piss behind the obelisk. Oh, I've got to. An obel-piss.

Starting point is 01:33:22 No, no. I'm going to have an obelisks behind the obelisk. Hey, Paul, I've got it. Go over there, your nobble piss behind the obelisk. That is it, that is it. That is absolutely it. You've got to get the grammar our next one. Now, Eli's made quite an important discovery I would like Eli now to explain to you what he explained to me just now Eli over to you The original desperado that we tasted first is as a ground plate Paul as a base jumping off point

Starting point is 01:34:21 That is five point nine percent ABV, alcohol, close to 6, let's say 6, which is strong even for a beer, strong lager is 5 and the cherry wine was 11, that one went up to 11 but these big ones like the coconut one we just had That's only 4.5. Why? Because I think it's due with price points and stuff they and they want to make it and a lot of people the ABV has the ABV has a lot to do with the Flavor profile because ethanol is a big You like a bit more boozy Drink your fancy funny piss

Starting point is 01:35:06 when you're taking the booze away? Yeah, because 4.5... Up the booze if you're upping the nonsense! 4.5 is even less than like a white claw or some kind of alka-pop. Which is usually a 5 as well. Yeah. These young ladies jogging. Which one are we going to do now, Paul?

Starting point is 01:35:23 This one is an uninteresting one. Megal, megal, melan, melancuga, cooler. Melancular beer, 4.5. Melancuga. Oh, they're coming back. What is a melancular? Tell me a melancular, is that the same? I think they're doing this on purpose.

Starting point is 01:35:44 Well, I mean, they are doing jogging on purpose you mean Paul a cooler it's very much a cooler but I take no fine phrase no it's like wine cooler so we're very much in Al Capop's territory I think with this one and I think this is gonna have not even gonna have a beer note because there was a beer note in the Pina Colada Give me the hoof, give me the hoof, go on, you're on mic, give me the hoof I'm getting beer, I'm getting a sweetness, a Melanie sweetness I know Melanie sweetness she is lovely if you're listening Melanie, I love you. You're so lovely Mel what you need the most love of a man love of a man Love of a man up your fanny

Starting point is 01:36:55 You don't touch it come on you don't touch it all right Alright, okay. I would allow I want to do my all. Alright, a melancholy. How about that? Alright. John Cougar. Melancholy, yes, I know. Well done. There's one called John Cougar as well. Yes, there is. Well, we've got there.

Starting point is 01:37:15 Right, I'm sniffing it. I can't spot any booze notes here. Do you wanna do the podcast, mate? Do you wanna stare at dogs? That's a very hard question. That's a very hard question. That's a very difficult question. Oh dear. I can't smell any booze on this. It's just melon. Pour yourself some.

Starting point is 01:37:34 It's very green. It's got a nice green colour. It's the kind... It looks like St Patrick's Day beer, doesn't it? I'll take that. It's got a very kind of grassy green look to it and now take a niff once you've released the bubbles wait the drink that dog he's sniffing he's sniffing with that dog go pissed I wonder if that dog's gonna leave it as well it looks like a strand that looks like it's gonna

Starting point is 01:37:58 happen go on raise it raise it he's sniffing he's seen the other dog and he's like alright he's been here it's probably a popular place it's probably like a like a like a meeting post this one's got to it's got to I mean I think you've answered the watching the dogs doing the book didn't well we'll see you next week on dog watch we look at dogs piss right okay did you get any nose on it? It's more grapey when you sniff it, but also there is a kind of like fairy washing up liquid flavour. Yeah, you're right. You're really good at detecting those unpleasant ones.

Starting point is 01:38:34 For hands that do dishes are as soft as your face with mine. Is that just green telling you it's like... No, sniff it. Close your eyes and sniff it. And it is very kind of like soapy. That's the word. This, I'm not, it's not boding well, this. And it is very kind of like soapy. That's the words. This, I'm not, it's not boding well, this odor. We're gonna find out now.

Starting point is 01:38:48 Here we go. Melanchola desperado, fuck it all. That's the worst one. That is, it's bitter. Horrible. That's like, like grass cuttings. And like lime and like piss poor beer. The acridness is back.

Starting point is 01:39:09 To me the red one is still worse but. I don't know I think that's worse. It's like I've just fell face first into a bush whilst the man pisses in my mouth. It's going downhill boys and girls. We're at the top of a hill so that's a good point. That's a good point is it well we've been at the top of a hill for a couple of years now and down in one, down in one pot. That is fucking horrible across the board there is nothing about that

Starting point is 01:39:39 sandwichable flavor wise. I can't even say it's got an interesting upfront whatever. It's not. A taste of grim beer. Grim. It's mutant beer. I have now reached the point in this episode where all my plans are off. We have to do the shoot up in the old cake around. Shut up, we're not telling them yet what we're doing. We've got one more drink and then a word to find. I thought you just said that was cancelled.

Starting point is 01:40:02 Oh god. Oh god. Oh you've got water. I have got water and crisps. Oh no. Now my burp tastes of doner and fucking grass. Cheers for this. Look he's pouring himself another glass there everyone.

Starting point is 01:40:22 It's happening. Wow. Right. Cheers bro happening. Wow. Right. Cheers bro. Cheers man. Cheap Show, 9 years old and 400 episodes coming soon. 6th of September, episode 400. It's gonna be a biggin'.

Starting point is 01:40:37 That could be a drink that tasted nice. You know what? Just on the colour alone, I don't think you can make that a nice drink. I just don't think anything about that is appetizing or flavourful. It's like, what? Oh, there's another dog and it's having a sniff in the same area. Will it leave its own little scent as a little parting gift? It seems happy enough. It's definitely interested. No, no, once again, it got called away by its meaty moaner. A joyful little spaniel that was.

Starting point is 01:41:06 Or a cock-a-span- was it cock-a-spaniel? Cock-a-span-dal-ballet. Joe, Joe, Joe Cock-a-span-dal-ballet. Woof, woof, woof. He like woof. Joe Cock-a-span-dal-ballet. Woof. John Cougar Melon Camp.

Starting point is 01:41:24 John Melon Cougar Cooler Melon Camp. John Melon Cooler Camp. Oh, a ducky. Oh, a ducky. No, it's not. Don't put your leg through. I'm going to break my leg off, mate. Why did you put it back there? It wasn't good for straddling. I wanted to get my leg off mate. Why did you put it back there? It wasn't good for straddling. I wanted to get my knee through. Well now you're trapped in a bench. I ain't trapped in no bench.

Starting point is 01:41:50 There you go, look at that. Eli Limber Silverman. Right, we're gonna finish these off and then head on to the moat. And then... And then this has all gone too far. This has all gone too far. Oh. I actually don't mind it that much that one. I don't like it. This has all gone too far. This has all gone too far.

Starting point is 01:42:07 I actually don't mind it that much that one. I don't like it. Gannon don't like it and Gannon reigns supreme. It has a soft drink sort of vibe. No, it doesn't. I'll tell you for why it doesn't. Cause it's got that heavy alcohol, like denseness kind of thing, which makes it not light to drink.

Starting point is 01:42:22 No, it's not. It's like a foggy flavor. Yeah. Right, that's it. Not's like a foggy flavor. Yeah. Right, that's it. Not my least favorite at all though. No, it's my least. I'd put that above the coconut one. So that goes into second place for me.

Starting point is 01:42:33 Maybe this goes above the coconut one. It goes in second place for me. It's tricky, innit, because they're all shit. Cuba Libre or that? Maybe the Cuba Libre. I think the Cuba Libre's better. It's more palatable.

Starting point is 01:42:44 But we've got one more to go, ladies and gentlemen, before the law. We've got the law on our tail. We've got to get rid of this moonshine. This illegal moonshine. It shows my name is Elizabeth of Elizabeth of Willavus. It shows my name is an old grumbly jocco. We've got Sheriff P.T. Hillenberger on his way with his bounty man. Have you heard Sheriff MacWillibur is coming?

Starting point is 01:43:11 Have you heard him? I don't need no... MacWillibur coming down to my hideout and he's got his dick out and he's gone, he's come to my hideout. Right, I tell you what, let's leave us alone for a bit and we'll come back to you after this when we'll be back on the road, back on the trail trying to get away from the law. Hey catch this McWillibur! Don't get it out boy, don't get it out. Don't get it out, boy. Don't get it out.

Starting point is 01:43:43 Right. Oh, it looks like we found it. Ground Force, countryside conservation volunteers working for you. You gotta get through the, oh, mate, are we too rotund to get through the gate? Just because I had my bag on. Oh yeah, that will stop you.

Starting point is 01:44:01 Oof. Still though. No, shut up. No, I mean even me. It's not happening. It's because you got your bag on. We've been keeping this high. Right, well at Camelot mode.

Starting point is 01:44:17 Let's go, here we go. Nothing is known of the origins of Camelot mode, but it must have come into existence in some form in Enfield Chase. 1140 AD. Let me read it you can. It must have come into existence in some form when Enfield Chase was created as a hunting preserve by Geoffrey de Mandeville around 1140 AD.

Starting point is 01:44:40 That sounds like an thing we've made up. I'm Geoffrey de Mandeville. De Manhandlerville. Manhandle my bell hand made up. I'm Geoffrey de Mandeville. De Manhandleville. Manhandle my bellend. The first... I'm sorry. Do you love this bit then? The first probable occupant was Richard Pounce. Or Ponce. Pounce. He's fucking Pounce for pennies. He Pounds Mandimool's Mandy-meat.

Starting point is 01:45:00 Keeper of the chase in the 1320s. In the 1429 the lodge was demolatialized and the materials sold to pay for the repairs for Hartford Castle. Oh my god stop! Poor quality excavations in the late 1880s and again in 1923 suggested that the lodge was quite substantial with rubble masonry walls and glazed floor tiles in some rooms. The name, Camlet, remains a mystery. It first appeared in local records in 1440 AD. And the moat was originally crossed by a wooden drawbridge, the base frame of which was lifted

Starting point is 01:45:35 in 1923 and recorded in 1949. A small piece found recently was Dendro... Dendrochronologically dated. What does that mean? What does Dendrochronologically dated. What does that mean? What does Dendrochronologically dated mean? It's a type of way of dating wood. I fucking date my wood. The moat's main was used probably defensively. When I date wood I swipe left on spruce. Bark. One news of the lodge would have been to detain individuals who have broken the harsh forest laws. The moat would also have helped to drain the site being used for rubbish disposal and possibly

Starting point is 01:46:12 for keeping fish. It's the amount of fish and rubbish. Rub fish. It's an ancient monument. Monument. But also this is allegedly where a criminal offence has caused damage to the monument. Well he won't. Can we go look at it though?

Starting point is 01:46:24 Because I saw there's a life preserver so it must have some depth. Must have some water in it. this is allegedly where a criminal offence that caused damage to the monument so he won't can we go look at it though because I Saw there's a life preserver, so it must have some depth, but it must have some water in it. This is where Dick Turpin used to lurk wasn't it he lurked around Turpin lurking. Turpin was lurking! We've had too much. Oh, let's have a look at this moat then. See this is the life preserver I told you about. Oh god Yeah, yeah, I did not see that. Oh, here's the moat. Oh. It's all covered in greens.

Starting point is 01:46:48 So there must be a way to get in on it. Oh, there's a life preserver in the thing. You take a picture of that, mate. So can we get into that little landlet earlier then? We must be able to. Yeah, well then we can do that. Let's keep going round it. Hang on, I'm looking at the map now.

Starting point is 01:47:03 Bibble bobble. Yeah, if we go round it on the right hand side, there's an entrance to it. Should we do that? On this side? Yeah. Oh, look at this moat, mate. My mate moat, mate.

Starting point is 01:47:15 Great moats think alike. What the fuck am I saying? What the fuck am I saying? It's a great moat moment. Come on, let's go on to the mound moat. This is great, I'm enjoying the moat, I have to say. Moat mound. We're going to go in.

Starting point is 01:47:29 Because this bit's fenced off, so we have to come into this fenced area. We're going to be respectful. As best as we can. Do you think if you peed in the moat that would be disrespectful? I mean, no, not really. Well, that wouldn't be criminal damage. No, not really, how would it be? Because you're peeing in the moat, mate.

Starting point is 01:47:48 But again, it's not like... Oh, there's a bridge. I think if you damage something or set fire to something... Oh yeah, fire or you could have to excavate, it's just... Oh, there's a wobbly bridge. Look, that looks like a dragon, that. Oh, that piece of bark. It really does, doesn't it?

Starting point is 01:48:01 It looks like a dragon or like a mantis. A Chinese lion or something. Yeah. That piece of bark, it really does, doesn't it? It looks like a dragon or like a mantis. A Chinese lion or something. Yeah. He's taking a picture of that, ladies and gentlemen, just so you know. Now there's a bridge here, but it doesn't look in good condition.

Starting point is 01:48:13 I'm going. I'm gonna film this, because I want people to know. He's going over the bridge, hang on. He's going over, off he goes. He's going over this bridge that I do not like the look of at all. He's making his way across slowly. All right, off he goes. He's going over this bridge that I do not like the look of at all.

Starting point is 01:48:25 He's making his way across slowly. Alright it seems okay. It's definitely seen some better days, this bridge. I keep forgetting I'm not on selfie. Alright. That's fine. It's alright. Oh dear.

Starting point is 01:48:42 Christ. Alright well anyway we're on the bridge and we're going to go to the moat now. You'd think they'd fix that though, right? That fucking bridge. What if some little old lady goes, oh I'm going to go across the bridge. Breaks her hip, lies there, dies. Eh, how about that? You thought about that, old lady's dying.

Starting point is 01:49:00 Have you ever thought about old women dying? Have you? It's funny, isn't it? Why are you laughing? Shut up you idiot. Mate, I'm going to be honest. I don't feel sick. I feel overwhelmed by alcohol.

Starting point is 01:49:16 Overwhelmed by alcohol. I'm doing ok. I'm enjoying the moat. Let's go round. I think we can get round there. Look, we're dipping. Oh, you fucking bucket. I got tangled in the brambles. Jackie brambles.

Starting point is 01:49:34 We're right down on the surface here. We are, Jesus. It's having a thick green mush, marsh. Was it algae? I don't think it is algae, I think it's bigger, isn't it? It's like little, you can see the little leaves. I want to get onto the little island, we must be able to. How do we get on?

Starting point is 01:49:55 Where is it? Because it says it's around here. Oh yeah, here we go, around here oh oh we're going on camelot mode to camelot just walking through all this brush oh look at this there's a little little land base between as if it's been built up and separated the water it's obviously been it must be man-made to some extent, right? That's why it's an ancient monument. Of course it's man-made. But look at this, this is where we can... That's what a moat is, a man-made thing. There used to be a drawbridge here. You don't get natural moats, it's not a type of water course.

Starting point is 01:50:36 It's not like a river or a stream. But they didn't like direct it and then cut it off or anything like that. They must have filled it somehow, but yeah. No, that's the whole point. That's why you can can't it's an ancient monument. Well this area we're passing now would have been filled and it would have been a drawbridge. Possibly and they'd have some kind of wooden encampment in here, a prison to keep people from going in. It's very good isn't it? Oh now we're on the in the moated area. Centerpiece surrounded on all sides by moat.

Starting point is 01:51:04 Are we gonna stop and have our last desperate order? We should have it here in the middle Oh now we're on the moated area. Centerpiece. Surrounded on all sides by moat. Moat. Are we going to stop and have our last desperate ride? We should have it here in the middle of the moat. Okay fine. I like that. We're going to... We're going to... yeah.

Starting point is 01:51:14 We're going to sear you. Hillock Pillocks. Mate, there's nothing coming out of my mouth which makes sense anymore. I know, I know. It's just... Actually it's been quite bad. It's like the brain's dying and it's just firing out the last bunch of fucking words I can think of. You know, you could describe your whole life like that.

Starting point is 01:51:31 Yeah, that's true. Oh, when am I gonna die? God, you know in the future when I am dead and people listen back to this, I bet they'll think back and go, if only he had two more weeks he wouldn't be saying stuff like that out loud. And then Eli went on the, went on the rob and got done. Went on the on the Rob and got done and then got done turn a turner over Lloyds Bank that's the log we're sitting on right we're off we're gonna sit on the log and we're gonna have our last drink here we go right we're here we're in the

Starting point is 01:52:00 moat we found a lovely little place to sit down and have our last last Desperado drink. Oh, baby. I have to say this could be the last Desperado I ever drink in my life and I wouldn't be too unhappy about that. Well, it's definitely the last flavored Desperado I ever have in my life. If we have new flavors next year, then we'll do another episode. Ready salted. Ready salted Desperado. Cheese and onion. Imagine that. Roast beef Des desperado. Cheese and onion. Imagine that. Roast beef desperado. The Cuba Libre had a beefy note, didn't it? It did, but that's not intentional.

Starting point is 01:52:31 It is intentional. It was intentional. Let's get intentional. Intentional. I wanna feel intentional. Twang my hot car intentional. Let me hear your foreskin twang. Your foreskin twang. Let me hear your foreskin twang my my heart car tension oh let me hear your foreskin twang your foreskin twang let me hear your foreskin twang

Starting point is 01:52:56 right we need to open this up we need to stop doing this this podcast got on forever and we're very drunk hello you. You know everyone says, oh don't you think it's funny when Paul and Eli drink? It's not at all. It's quite upsetting. We are professional men. Professional men in the woods drinking alone in the woods. Drinking. Woods. This is. Got to get this last one. Well yeah. So okay Eli, explain what this is we're about to drink and why. The last desperado on our, and I've saved the most exotic, Paul. Yeah, you have. Last is Desperado Jungle Bird.

Starting point is 01:53:33 Now, can I just ask, what the fuck flavour is Jungle Bird? Does it give you any clues? It does. It tells me explicitly. It is lime and pineapple flavour. Like a lilt. With a totally tropical taste. tells me explicitly it is lime and pineapple flavor like a Lilt with that totally tropical taste but Lilt is no more and has become Fanta totally tropical it's called isn't it? Bullshit what a waste of Lilt. Lilt anyway we're gonna open it up now tell them about the color of this particular one. Back up to 5.9. That's good we're up to when things on a high. So they must

Starting point is 01:54:06 range I wonder why it is they they change then. I don't know. It must be to do with the flavor profile they're going for with these things perhaps it would really send it over the edge if they made the melanchola much stronger. Melancholy. Maybe melancholy. Maybe I don't know but what's the colour of this? Explain why it's so interesting. It is a dark turquoise or a very dark greeny or bluey green, hard to say whether it's blue or green. Would you say green or blue? It's both. Green to me. It's more green than blue. Okay. Yeah, I'll go with that. It's kind of like a dark turquoise, isn't it?

Starting point is 01:54:40 Yeah, that's what I said. Is it? Exactly what it is. In that case, I agree with Eli's initial estimation of colour. I'm going to do it now. Pop the cap on that and I will have a fresh half up the nostril. Right, Eli's in charge of huffing. Owwwww look at that!

Starting point is 01:54:57 I have a keychain that went right in my palm. Did it break the skin? No, but it left a very heavy indent. Are you gonna half puff it? Oh no. Oh, he's looked sad. He looks John Melancholy, Kamekant. I'm John Melancholy about it.

Starting point is 01:55:15 Oh. That's the saddest smell so far. There's almost nothing there. It's the pineapple, the artificial pineapple, just riding on top of that beer flavor. Oh, it's, Oh, those smells don't go together, the hops from the beer. No. You know, the malty hops from the beer with the pineapple. Okay, here we go. Here we go, pour it. This is mine. It looks, I don't like on naturally flavoured drinks. This looks the most like a dentist mouthwash. Even the foam is blue.

Starting point is 01:55:44 The foam is blue. I've got to take a picture of that because no one's going to believe this. Because on the green stuff the foam was white wasn't it? It was normal. But this has stained even the foam. Are you going to go first on this Paul? Well we're going to do it anyway. It's happening.

Starting point is 01:55:58 Here we go. Chin chin. Here we go. Back up to 5.7 or whatever. Oh God. What the fuck is that? What, what the fuck is that? What in the holy fuck is that? We've got our winner. That is the worst.

Starting point is 01:56:11 What is that though? What am I drinking? Can you tell me what the flavour is? If you didn't know what it said in the bottle, could you tell me what that flavour was? I could identify that very artificial pineapple. It's got the bitterness, it's got the vomittiness of the... It's just a glass of vomit. It's like, it's what you'd cough up at the end of a dry heave as a flavour. Yeah, I know. It's truly acrid and horrible. Honestly, that's worse than the red. That's

Starting point is 01:56:42 the worst. That is, it is. Why though? It's unnaturally coloured, unnaturally the red. That's the worst. That is, it is. Why though? It's unnaturally coloured, unnaturally flavoured. It's absolutely not flavourful. There's nothing about this which is refreshing. Nothing at all. And to think they manufacture this.

Starting point is 01:56:56 Who wants this? The favourite thing is this. If that's you, you fucking stay away from me and my family. Jungle Bird, I think a Jungle Bird is another sort of tiki drink. That's what it is. But don't tiki drinks have like a rum thing going on? Yeah, this doesn't, it's weird, this doesn't say with rum. It doesn't say with anything.

Starting point is 01:57:15 So there's a lot of variation in the formula. I'm gonna look something up, hang on. Here we go. Bear with me one minute. Oh god, don't stay, oh. Oh God. Okay, Jungle Bird is a recipe for cocktail. It's a rum cocktail.

Starting point is 01:57:34 Let me just see what it says, because we're in the woods and the internet's not great here. But it doesn't say with rum. No, I know. On the pina colada it said with rum, so they don't even put rum in there. God, that flavor is so terrible. Shall we finish it off?

Starting point is 01:57:48 Oh every single fucking website won't tell me what the ingredients of a jungle bird is until I've given my date of birth. But it says here, I can just see on the preview, two shots of rum, three fourth shots of Campari, pineapple juice, lime juice and simple syrup. Oh that sounds terrible. It does sound terrible doesn't it? That's the bitterness, the Campari element syrup. Oh, that sounds terrible. It does sound terrible, doesn't it? That's the bitterness, the Campari element they're trying to get in there.

Starting point is 01:58:09 It's that bitter bat. But it seems like rum's a huge component of a jungle bird and it's lacking in this drink. As if to say, we're gonna replace it with the Desperado flavor profile instead. I don't know why they do that with this, but in certain other ones, they make sure that you know it has rum in.

Starting point is 01:58:23 You know what? I'm just gonna down this and get rid of it. I'm just gonna... This is the last thing we're drinking of booze. Really? Really? I don't think I'm that bad and I'm pretty pissed. I mean like I've had three erections in the last half hour which came from the out of the blue.

Starting point is 01:58:37 Really? Yeah. And stalk on and then went away again as if like a ghost at midnight. Paul shall we just sum up the whole hierarchy of the desperado as we tried today? Yes all gash apart from the original and even that's just getting a pass because I like it personally. Yes but we want to know what was the second best? I remind you we had the red, garana. That really makes you want to do that after you.

Starting point is 01:59:02 I still haven't finished it I'm gonna finish mine now. Just down it, just get it down and then we're done, we're done, we're done, we're done. Down it down, cool, well done man, well done. Oh fucking hell, that's disgusting. It makes you talk like a fucking puppet. It's like, disgusting. That really is terrible. How are they such a huge brand?

Starting point is 01:59:22 Most of the stuff they put out is fucked. I mean, the original wasn't that good. I gave it 2.5. It's okay Yeah, yeah, but for a basic lager and lime drink fine But all of this is just unnecessary flavor muck. Oh that really is so acrid I want to see the numbers for these brands I want to know how much they're selling of these and if they're popular because I don't think they are I don't know why they're doing this Desperado what why are you doing this? Although actually is the drink called Desperados? Desperados yeah. Alright Desperados. I tell you what that was like

Starting point is 01:59:58 a movie called fucking Ghost Taste starring Dan Akrid. You know what it was awful but I'm gonna let that slide. I'm gonna let that slide. We are done with the... You know why? Because that taste will haunt me. He keeps on building on the original joke. It's very good. You should give him an award. Dan Akrid. Dan Akrid. Ain't afraid of no goat. I don't know. I'm at that point in the day now where I'm way too drunk

Starting point is 02:00:28 I'm gonna give you the lowdown on what I thought was the other ones the original definitely the nice the original was definitely the nicest yeah then I'll go Cuba Libra I'll go it was more drinkable then yeah then I would personally do the green one the melon cooler and then I put the pina colada okay oh maybe I put the colada before the I'll put the colada before the other. The very bottom is this one. Look at the sound of us. No I put the red just above this one. Coconut for me very bottom, red above that. This above the red? I blow the red. This is the very bottom. This is the very bottom. This is Jungle Bird. It tastes like paint stripper. It tastes like paint stripper or some kind of chemical you use to get oil off your hands. Jungle Bird is what they used to refer to as a female drum and bass fan. No, that's very funny. Very good. That I'm going to end this segment now before we wrap up, because I've got a big finale planned and I have to piss first.

Starting point is 02:01:39 So we're going to do that. It's Pitching Accomplished for the Desperado's long story short. If you like Desperados, stick to the original or the others can get in the fucking bin. Unless there's other ones we haven't... Strawberry. Strawberry daiquiri flavour. We haven't got that. We'll do that another day. We can't speak for it.

Starting point is 02:01:56 Let's go get it now. No. Let's get Amazon to drop it in. We'll just wait here overnight. I bet we could as well. Something went in my mouth. All Alright, we're done here. We'll see you then. We're coming back for the big finale. We're going to do it now. I've been waiting for this for ages. Hooey!

Starting point is 02:02:36 I think we're all right with this little big part little sanctuary. Hey, hang on just one gosh darn minute. Ooh! Taco, if that is your name. That's my name, that's don't worry about it. I left my glass of the Desperate around here somewhere. But when I came back, he ain't nowhere to see. Jinx Crivens, I don't know no nothing about that such thing.

Starting point is 02:03:02 Listen here, you vomit, I know that you stole my last glass of the desperatis and I'm not okay with it. Well, how about this then? How about we settle this like real men of the old west and we settle- With a duel by gun! We'll settle this by gun. I tell you what, Jacko Jackoff Wanky,. My name ain't just... You don't know what your name is that's the funny thing. I tell you what my name is.

Starting point is 02:03:34 You fucking touch me again and I'll fucking cut you open like a jellyfish. I'll challenge you to a jeweled by gun shot. My gun at dawn at 3pm sharp. I want to see you, Jacko. How about we do it at the OK. 730, 730 high. Right here. Right here. Right now.

Starting point is 02:03:55 And I'll shoot you down. OK, so now that we've got that out of the way, I bought some guns on eBay. Some not real guns, some are laser tag guns. So we're going to end this as gentlemen. We're going to do a turn and shoot duel, just like the gunmen did, Eli. And then with the rest of the thing we're going to run around and shoot each other. You use my real name, Elistephas Ministabi.

Starting point is 02:04:18 So Eli, look, we've got these guns, right? They have a heart monitor on the back and when it reaches zero you're out where you going okay do you want to do it like before I start recording all right well okay I got some laser tag guns on eBay because they were going cheap and they were like 15 pound when they're usually 30 so I got them and look you can turn it on so they've got like loads of gun shot settings we're going to keep it to pistol on the back you got heart monitor and then ammo nine each and every time you reload you've got to tap the bottom of the barrel thing like that.

Starting point is 02:04:59 So there we go I'm on team blue and Eli will be team red or different colour either way and we're going gonna give each other guns and we're gonna walk and shoot. And we're gonna do it with all the Pell mics on. So you can hear all the action. And basically we're gonna do a turn and shoot, fire, and then we're gonna run around and the first person to run out of heart.

Starting point is 02:05:18 I think Eli's gonna vom. Yeah, good. Whoever dies first, nine, cause like look at the back. See the back of the gun, it's got nine and nine. That nine there with the heart is your heart rate. When that reaches zero, you're dead and I've won or you've won, right? This is my six shooter. Wait, wait. When you shoot the ammo and it goes down, the only way to reload it is to tap the bottom. Like that, okay? That's pretty sweet.

Starting point is 02:05:43 We've got the different colours, so I'll be team blue and you can be whatever the other colour is. Red. And then we'll both use the pistol because it'll just be easier, alright? Like a shotgun. Right, like that. That's only fair, but you might change to machine gun in the middle of it.

Starting point is 02:05:58 I won't because actually, the thing about the other settings, if you go to machine gun, you have a fewer ammo and it takes longer to reload. Yeah, but there's more, it takes longer to reload. It takes longer. So we're going to mic up and get the camera ready and we're going to end on our drunken shootout finale for this week's cheap show. Get on with it.

Starting point is 02:06:18 Get on with it. Here we go. Wow Right So we've got our guns right and yours is on pistol Yours is on pistol yours is on pistol nine and nine I've got 99 when that runs out of nine you just reload by smacking the barrel. Oh, then nine on the right? Yeah. And that's life force on the left? So when it runs out of nines, when it runs out of nines on the left hand side that means you're dead and the game's over. Right? Okay, we're both recording. We're going to do five paces. And then, and then take cover. and then whoever gets the first shot in yeah wins the duel but then we're gonna try and go until we want whoever get shot death to death this is stupid okay right ready five paces yeah ready maybe make it

Starting point is 02:07:18 three I don't have too much space ahead of me unless you move forward a little bit yeah but I've got as much space as you. I go up a hill otherwise. Right, here we go. Ready? Are you back to back? Yeah. Ready? Hang on, ready? Three.

Starting point is 02:07:30 I did a little fart on Eli. I did a little fart on Eli. Oh! I did a little fart on Eli. Ah! Here we go. Disgusting! Ready?

Starting point is 02:07:38 Don't, you can't yet. Ready? Go three, two, one, go. And then do- Don't fart again. Five, four, three, two, one, turn, shoot. All right? Three, two, one, go. One, two, three, four, five. Oh, I got him.

Starting point is 02:07:58 No, I haven't got him yet. Oh, he got me. I'm on seven. How are you doing? Seven. The next girl is in the end. How are you doing? Seven. The next girl is missing. How much have you got left? The next girl.

Starting point is 02:08:11 You can talk, you know. You've got a mic on. I've got seven left. Alright, me too. Both got three shots. I've got him in my sights and behind the tree. I'm going to have to ambush him at some point. I'm going to go to this tree over there. What are you on?

Starting point is 02:08:47 Six! What have you got? Five. I'm on seven still. I'm going to go over this way. Shit! Get off! Hey!

Starting point is 02:08:59 I'm on six. What have you got? Three. Oh, this could be a win for Gannon. Two. Oh I'm behind the tree. I can't see him. He's hiding. Oh, you've got me five. What have you got? What have you got left? Four. I've got five. Oh, I've got four too. Oh, I'm dead. Oh yeah? Ganon reigns supreme. Oh look at that. You know what you didn't realise? What? You don't have to be down to zero to reach the nose. No you don't. I've always told you that you've just got to read whatever. So who won? You won. Eli. Of course you can have laser settings if you want. Quite a fun toy.

Starting point is 02:10:28 Oh. Quite a fun toy. I was trying to aim for there. Yeah. The important thing though mate. Is that you won. Is Ganon won. Well done.

Starting point is 02:10:39 We're going to go back to the main recorder now. Illegitimate for the religious. Look at that. Look at me. Look at me. Gannon Supreme. Hey. Oh. Oh.

Starting point is 02:10:53 Oh, Eli. Oh, I just shot my dick off. Right. Oh, I'm running out of bullets. You're lucky. Please, please, and bull. I like the sound effects. Oh you can put it on laser?

Starting point is 02:11:08 Yeah or... Or... This is a machine gun. You only get six bullets on a machine gun. Please air bullets, please air bullets. You only get six bullets on a machine gun. Yeah, that's why you go. It's dangerous. Right. But it doesn't keep going.

Starting point is 02:11:34 No, because you only get a few more rounds. Ladies and gentlemen, let's return to our old microphone, old microphone, old friendly, old microphone, and we'll wrap this episode finally fucking up. Okay, Paul, I'm ready too. I'm very sweaty by the moat. Oh sweaty moan. Right we're finally off the moat though, we went the one way round but you're thinking Paul you haven't tried to listen to Eli have a piss?

Starting point is 02:11:59 Well guess what ladies and gentlemen I'm never going to let you down. Well here we go. Wait, I can't go. Alright, alright, alright. You know what mate, go piss in private. You're going to go for a pee somewhere else, are you? Fine, alright, I'm sorry mate. I didn't mean to interrupt your flow. I would have gotten some splash back. The fat man's gate. I can't get through here.

Starting point is 02:12:30 Here we go. Right so we've now left the moat and we've got to go back to cock fosters and that's a bit of a walk. Half an hour or so. The joy has ebbed and the reality of how much different types of desperadoes I have swilling around in my stomach is dawning on me. I went for a pee just then before we left, right? And it came out like... Left right? It came out really kind of green. Like asparagus kind of green.

Starting point is 02:12:58 No it didn't. It's the desperados effect. Fine, that's a nice story to tell our listeners. I did a wee wee and it came out green. It came out green because they're so weird and toxic. But it did. Do you want me to take a picture of my urine stream next time I do it? I totally would like that. Then I'll do it then. I'll take a picture of my piss stream.

Starting point is 02:13:17 It's one thing when it smells of asparagus. It didn't smell of asparagus. I'm saying it had almost a colour of that kind of cloudy green. Yeah, sometimes colours do get into piss, but I Not that I guarantee you though when that other one the last one comes out of my stream It's gonna be like No, it was I'm just saying when that one last one comes out the one that's fucking blue green or whatever it was I'm gonna like I'm pissing a Vulcan's bloodstream out. Star Trek. Star Trek, Doctor Who, Star Trek, I know them all. I am king of sci-fi, I know the ships and space,

Starting point is 02:13:50 I know where they come from, and I know what type of race it is, a Vulcan, it is a Grand Klingon, it is a gokta, it is a monkey, it is a Time Lord, it is... Name more fictional races. Name more fictional races. It must be down this way, mate, where we're lost in the woods. We're lost in the obelisk woods. Right, we're going to have to come back to you.

Starting point is 02:14:09 We'll see you in a bit. I don't think it's up that way. I think it's... yeah, it's this way. Right, we're going in the right direction. Still 30, half an hour out from Cockfosters. Yeah, we're going to Cockfosters, ladies and gentlemen, to go home to our loving flatmates or relationships. Well, that's one less stop.

Starting point is 02:14:23 It's one less stop, isn't it? Yes, well one more stop, because Cockfoss is the last on the line. We established that. It's one more stop. You fool. Everything's further away. Anyway, we're going to do a proper wrap-up in a minute,

Starting point is 02:14:36 but I just wanted to hear Eli piss for a bit. But no dice. No dice for Gannon. Turn that off. All right. Let me hold it. Well, and this. Would you hold it. What? And this? Eee!

Starting point is 02:14:48 Would you hold my penis while you peed? You know what? Just for the record, out loud, I'm saying this now, I'm not going to record this. Alright? He's staring at me though. I'm not going to go up towards him. He's getting it out. He's staring at me, I don't like the eye contact.

Starting point is 02:15:04 I'm stepping back so you can't see me. He's urinating. I'm not going up to see him. I want that made clear. I'm leaving him alone. I'm not. I'm letting you get on with it. I'm nowhere near, am I? I'm a piss freak, Eli. I'm a piss freak. I've said it out loud. It was so fucking ruined. Right, we're walking home. I'm going to let him drain his little lizard. Let his little lizard bath up. He's done. And we're going to wrap it up in our next and final segment when we're closer to Cockfoss. That is good content. You getting twatted by a branch.

Starting point is 02:15:46 Does it look really hurt? No. No? No. Really? Yeah, just fine. The twig went straight in it. I know.

Starting point is 02:15:56 No, you look fine. Yeah, you look fine. You can still see out of it. Yeah, that's good content, isn't it? I'm going to get infected eye. Yeah, well look at my leg. It's already gone gangrous. Do you have, you literally, have you had your tennisus shot? Yes I have. When? When you were

Starting point is 02:16:08 a child. No about four years ago I think it was. Alright when was you last get your tetra shot? I couldn't see it. When did you get your last tetra shot? Hey when did you last get your shot? I don't know. Well then stop going on at me. You're the one walking into trees you big fanny. I was just trying to deflect the fact that I've probably gotten an infected eye from that. That. From the tree.

Starting point is 02:16:33 Right. The twig that went in my eye. Yeah, well that's because you weren't paying attention, were you? I was just trying to get a. Your willy's out and got your fly open. Oh, we're back at the Oblisk. Right, we'll see you when we're close to the Cockfosters where we'll be wrapping up this episode of Cheap Show. We can now

Starting point is 02:16:49 retire the Western characters, they're done. They had a gunfight and a grumbling, er, jaunty, jocko one. Oh we always say that and we do more. This isn't right. You're not right, it's this way. It is this way. Past the, yeah S a past the obelisk. Oh, we cut ten minutes there. See Ganon knows why we haven't well see you later. Anyway, I mean it's so you got one minute there one minutes Better than no minutes in it. Not as good as ten. No, no, it's not as good as ten It's not when it comes to minutes. No Well done. You've made a very obvious observation No, well done you've made a very obvious observation Well, you keep keep you keep this recording going

Starting point is 02:17:26 I will get my dick out right now. It's so lonely Not jokes wait facts my life was my life a joke to you. I'm stopping this. Bye everyone Right so after walking down one of the most painful alleys of... Let's have a look at your leg. I've got a big gash there where a thorn went right in and I had to pull the whole thing out. I got that and my arms all scratched to fuck. It was sticking in your leg?

Starting point is 02:17:59 Yeah, I had to pull the thorn out. We went down this back alley around this field and it was like... It was a covered natural alleyway of hedging. It was terrifying. It was inside a hedge essentially. Danger of death says that sign. Danger of death. But we don't emerge to the road here, there is no pavement anyway. No, we're coming out of the woods and we're just on the road. Oh look, oh shit. We're gonna have to cross, can we?

Starting point is 02:18:29 I'm getting, mate, I'll be honest, getting really fucking tired of the woods. We're 16 minutes out from Cockfoster's, okay, which has a lovely early modernist roof. I don't care. Let's just wrap this episode up, shall we? Can we? I don't care. Let's just wrap this episode up shall we? Can we? Absolutely fine. Well done. We drank too much desperados. The lesson to be learned is don't drink desperados. Or at least don't drink the flavoured ones. That's just a fucking folly. Ladies and gentlemen, this has been the Cheap Show podcast for the year 2024 and O'Domini. I've been Paul Gannon with

Starting point is 02:19:05 my good friend and co-host Eli Silverman it's been a pleasure broadcasting today I'm sorry the quality of some of my characterisation work just really bad it's pretty awful it got mouth meld nonsense time whoa it's forking it's forking the path around this out great. I think we can go either way. My liege. Don't stop, will you stop yarding me? Whatever this is. Yarding. This old barging and yarding. Is yarding like a Liverpool thing? No.

Starting point is 02:19:34 That's good. Yard me. Don't yard me. No I'm not, it's just a word I came up with just now. I'm going this way. I'm going this way. I am very frightened. Ah, you're fucking far! Ah, fucking barbed wire fence! Barbed wire! Oww!

Starting point is 02:19:51 Why are they barbed wire, aren't they? Why are they barbed wire the fence? Why is everything there for? It's like sorcery. It would be like sorcery if I had a bag full of explosives. But it's not. A bag full of explosives. But it's not. A bag full of explosives. I've got a fucking bag full of cock explosives.

Starting point is 02:20:09 Cock explosives. Anyway, thank you for listening to this week's Cheap Show podcast where we explored Trent Park and its surrounding environs. Erm, pictures of this walkabout will be on our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. The fucking paths lead to everywhere. I don't like this. This has become nightmarish. Witchy.

Starting point is 02:20:33 It's like the Blair Witch Project. It's positively pagan. Thecheapshow.co.uk, you can go and see pictures for this episode in the metadata for this podcast as well in the podcast app of your choice, you're listening to it now. Also, we have lovely supporters on Patreon. Bless them, God bless them. Patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show. We're a video to accompany this walk.

Starting point is 02:20:54 We'll be exclusive to them for a fair few weeks. So if you wanna see some video footage of today's episode, you can go to patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show and give what you can, but seriously, please only if you can other than that spread the word give us some good reviews and spread the love that's all that matters for an independent podcast like our own is there anything you'd like to say Eli before I fucking stop this hello everyone I'm Eli Silverman the other half

Starting point is 02:21:17 of Cheap Show I've had a great walk again it's been a full walk but I'm don't mess with the desperados people especially out when you're out in the sun. Yeah. Yeah? You want to pimp anything? House of Pickle Sound Show, every two weeks on Soho Radio on a Sunday from 2 to 4, which is a music show. There you go, so there you go.

Starting point is 02:21:34 Right, Eli, we need to get to Cockfosters and we need to get through this without me ideally injuring how long. We've been, oh, here we go, keep going, yeah, it's been right. What's it saying? I think you have to say my navigation has been impeccable. I'm not complaining about the navigation. It has been exemplary, Mr Silverman. It's saying 14 minutes.

Starting point is 02:21:51 We're under a quarter of an hour now. To the station. To the station. In that case, let's say goodbye. That's... yes, you're right. Look, that's the big water tower. Yeah, it is the big water tower. Looming.

Starting point is 02:22:02 Looming and booming. Oh, that looks good. It does look good, doesn't it? It looks all like a little scary. Modernist. Oh, my phone's going up. My watch is going off saying, well done, fatty. You've exercised today. That's good. I've heard something. Ha ha. But jokes on you, watch, because I'm also pissed as fuck.

Starting point is 02:22:18 So it doesn't really matter, does it? How fucking much I've walked, does it? You can't fuck me. Look at that. Oh, it's an impressive one that. Really nice, brutalist. Brutalist, Eli. You take a, there's a better picture from this angle. Come here, there's a better picture from this angle over here.

Starting point is 02:22:35 Forget it, through the trees. Oh, here, I reckon it's as good as you're gonna get. Again, you can see this on our website, can't you, Eli? Thecheapshow.co.uk, you can see this big fucking water tower. Look at what the fuck it is. It's got aerials on it website can't you Eli? Thecheapsheducode.uk you can see this big fucking water tower look at what the fuck it is. It's got aerials on it, I shouldn't profess. I'm too drunk to be professional right now. I've done my best and I want to say goodbye. Yeah, we're going to carry on this interminable fucking walk to get to Cockfosters. I know but it's still been already 20 minute walk of absolute agony.

Starting point is 02:23:06 So I'm just going to wrap this up. Good, bye everyone, thanks for listening. Bye everyone and yee-haw, Rootin' Tootin' Cowboy, Desperado episode. We'll see you next week on Cheap Show. We're getting close to 400. We're looking forward to... I'm starting to do more, stop! Stop doing the podcast! Please!

Starting point is 02:23:27 Well, you've heard it here first, Eli says stop doing the podcast. So I'm gonna stop doing it right now. Bye bye. And remember, I'm joking! I'm like John Rogers. And remember, we'll see you next week, if you see you week. Bye! Bye. Have you stopped it now? I yeah word got a bit deranged today I can't do this I can't do this walking come on just

Starting point is 02:23:53 step in between them don't try and be agile like me oh stepping over I nearly fell on board bye everyone I. I'm still recording, joke's on you. Joke's on you chunky. Oh I have to check the map now. Bye everyone, bye bye. Oh there's an exit here sign or something. Is that it? There's a sign though. Right we're done here. Bye everyone, bye Eli. Bye. Bye. Yeehaw! You

CheapShow - Ep 394: A Bagful of Desperados

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