CheapShow - Ep 396: Freddie Starr Swallowed My Soul

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hello everybody, welcome to Cheap Show, the ac- brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr That was live at the Apollo. Live at the Apollo wanted me to do a set. The person known as live at the third name Apollo. Gary, yeah. Gary, live at the Apollo. Gary, live at the Apollo. Yeah, anyway, sorry about that. We'll start again. Hello, everyone and welcome to Cheap Show, the comedy podcast with... Oh, no, what's this? Hello? Eight out of 10 cats?

Starting point is 00:00:42 Oh, yes, I'd love to be on the show. What? As long as I do the gag. Oh okay. Paul. Alright then. Alright, book me in. Speak to my manager. Paul. Bye. Bye bye. Who was that? Gary. That was a, well yeah, he was Gary. No, it was Gary from 8 out of 10 cats. Jimmy, Gary from 8 out of 10 cats. Yeah, they're all called Gary. But Paul. Yeah? You've just been booked for two very big prestigious things. Very big shows, yeah. If I heard you right, because I wasn't eavesdropping. No, no, no. I understand. I'm just in the room, you know, I can't help it. I'm really excited for you. I think you need to know you don't have a setup for the sarcophagi joke.

Starting point is 00:01:12 You just, you can't just say, are you going to just have a model? Hello? How you can't? What? Mr Joe Rogan's podcast? Oh no. I'm drawing the line here. line here. Alright Gary I'll be there. Don't you worry. Oh everyone wants a bit of sarcophagi Ganon don't they? It's my, it's erupted online because of the gag. Anyway let's get on with it. Welcome to Cheap Show Mother. Welcome to Cheap Show. It's the comedy comedy podcast with me Paul Gannon and I'm a good friend. Eli Sillman, hi. Hello. Can you put your phone on silent? Hello, who's this? Jim Davidson's the real comedian's tour. Yeah, no.

Starting point is 00:01:52 No, I'd be happy to do it. Oh. Right, that's the cold open for this week's Cheap Show. Welcome to the show. Press the fucking credits. Two things I'm responsible for. Chodney... Chodney Borough. I hate you. I've got fucking news of Posse. Jeep show to my mama mine.

Starting point is 00:02:43 Roar, roar. Jeep show to my cheap show. You always want to get out of the way. Always get it out of the way. Shove it to the side. Get it out the way. Don't leave one alive. Push it out. Shove it in. Put it in a box and send it to me. I'll have it for dinner. And you used to complain about my mouth garbage.

Starting point is 00:03:09 That was pure... It's your influence on me. I used to say normal sentences like, hello, welcome to the podcast. We're doing things today. Isn't that good? And now it's all bing bong, wibble wibble, bop bop do da with you, innit? Bop bop do da, indeed. Right, what have we got coming up on this show then? Well this is the, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob,

Starting point is 00:03:25 Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob,

Starting point is 00:03:33 Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob,

Starting point is 00:03:41 Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob,. I did, um, yeah, Discount Suit Company. Right. Did Blues Kitchen the next night. Nice. Did my radio show. Good. The House of Pickle sound show. Which you can hear every two weeks on Soho Radio and catch up with episodes online if you've missed it. And that was that basically. So before that was doing very little in the week. No one wants to hear this. No, I don't want to hear this. Just let normal podcasts do that,

Starting point is 00:04:03 don't they? Do they? They say, how has your wig been? How has it been? So now you ask me. Okay uh so that was not much you know a bit boring. Yeah yeah yeah. You know. Yeah. Uh no dogs. No dogs. No no dogs in itself. Should there be dogs with you? I don't know. A cat came up to me yesterday. Did it? Oh yeah. And? It was very friendly because usually with cats around here. Cats around here. You go Yeah. And? It was very friendly. Because usually with cats round here. Cats round here. You go... Or whatever. Puss, puss. Or go puss, puss. And they go, fuck.

Starting point is 00:04:30 Fuck off, mate. This one was coming towards me. It was like a little really bat-faced black cat with a really pointy, you know those ones, little sort of monkey looking ones. You know, spindly monkey ones. Yeah, I can see why we don't ask this. And it came up and I went, I went, I saw it.

Starting point is 00:04:46 It was like, oh, it was looking at me like this. Painfully dull. And then as I put my hand up, it was running towards me. Cat stories now. Go on. How was your week? Shit. Welcome to the podcast, everyone. It's another economy comedy load of old fun. And today, this week, did we talk about this last week

Starting point is 00:05:04 and was inspired to do it this week? Because we talked about orange juices, didn't we at some point? Well, what happened, because I do recall, Paul, is I bought you one of the local specialty Oola Dag. That's right, yeah. Orange sodas in this little bottle with a cap. Yes, well described. What are those caps called? There's a twist and then what's a knot twist called?

Starting point is 00:05:25 They're just called bottle caps aren't they? Yeah they're old school ones aren't they? Old school. And you were, I said look that's delicious because I know they are. You said that's delicious and then you came up with the idea that we should do a taste test of orange soda. So we are, this week is going to be an off brand, off brand, off brand, off-ish evaluation of orange sodas.

Starting point is 00:05:43 So that's what's coming up on the show. Also, Gannon's what's it called again? This fucking segment, Paul's page turners, Paul's page turners. You can book that I've wanted to do for a while and I got it ages ago. And then I saw there's a Twitter account called Tatrove and they posted an image of it and I was like, oh, shit, I've got that. So we are looking at a book today called The Soul Must Go On Book Two, more amazing supernatural experiences featuring Freddie Starr's messages from beyond the grave. So we are looking at a book today called The Soul Must Go On Book 2 More Amazing Supernatural Experiences Featuring Freddy Starr's Messages From Beyond The Grave by Malcolm Thorogood

Starting point is 00:06:11 who is a big phony. We'll get into it but this is such a complicated moral mix of what the fuck and I guess that's okay. But how are you allowed? You're not allowed to just say someone's... This is an unanswerable question. If he's still in copyright, you know, he's still... If his relatives are still alive, don't they have control of his...

Starting point is 00:06:32 I don't know. I tried to look online. His image, isn't it? Well, here's the thing. I tried to look online if there was any feedback from Freddie Star Relatives about this book, and that's not to say they didn't, but I couldn't find anything online. When we get into it, you'll see why it's a problematic page turner. Yeah, I'm sure. But it's, I mean, it is a well-worn type of subject matter that con men over the years

Starting point is 00:06:53 would be psychics have been doing with famous people like Cleopatra or someone who's totally distant in the history. Yeah. I've never seen it where it's like some comedian from like a couple of decades ago. But as we will discover later on, it's a far more complicated system than just Freddie Star came to me in messages. There's a hole, mate. There's a hole.

Starting point is 00:07:11 The way that he receives the messages. We are going down a deeper rabbit hole today in this. So hold on to your pants, ladies and gentlemen. This excites you, admit it, because you do have a bit of a personal penchant for Freddie Star based stories. Mate, all I can promise, I don't want to overhype it, but all I can promise you is the final message we'll talk about from Freddy Star might be the single best thing I've ever read in my life. And I just hope I don't overhype it too much because it is absolutely fucking

Starting point is 00:07:38 madness. So we'll get to that later in the show. But first a letter came. Oh, I see it over there. And I show them. Oh, I can letter came. Oh I see it over there. And I show them. Oh I can see objects. Oh I can see objects. I must cover my eyes. So I'm not going to read the whole letter, but basically it says, hello Paul and Eli, hope everything's well with you and this package will reach you well.

Starting point is 00:07:59 I hope nothing breaks in the postage process. I am Alessandro. Postage, postage, let's go for that. Postage process. Yes, let's go for that line again. Is that what I said? Ted, you really messed it up with a sort of half-lisp. How about you just fuck off?

Starting point is 00:08:11 I want to hear what the letter says, Paul. You're going to interrupt me over a little small tiny thing then? It will distract me from understanding what the letter says. That's why I interrupted you, not because I'm just some kind of condescending- I'll carry on reading. I need you to go back a couple of sentences now. There's only one sentence. Can you go back to the start?

Starting point is 00:08:28 You don't have to say hello Paul and Eli. After that, start again from there please. Hello Paul and Eli. You little wanker. I hope everything's well when this package will reach you and I hope nothing breaks in the postage process. That's making a lot less sense than the first time you read it. Well, do you want to listen to why it might be a bit broken English, eh? Oh no.

Starting point is 00:08:46 Mr. fucking withal. Oh no. Yeah. I'm Alessandra from Italy sending you these gifts from Norwich, which I'm visiting on holiday. Okay, all is forgiven for both of you. She even says at the bottom, I hope I haven't made many terrible mistakes in writing this letter. I thought it was you garbling it Paul. You understand that?

Starting point is 00:09:06 This is the thing isn't it? I thought you presumptuous isn't it? You just barge in with your fucking ah I'm holier than thou attitude, walking in grabbing your groin the old way, letting it lead you through like you're fucking pulling an invisible dog on a chain. Like an anteaters nose. You know what Alessandro I've given up. No no I want to hear it. Oh fuck this. No no please Paul. You've ruined this now. Please I want to hear what Alessandro has to say. Alessandro, I've given up. No, no, I want to hear it! Oh, fuck this. No, no, please, Paul. You've ruined this now. Please, I want to hear what Alessandro has to say.

Starting point is 00:09:28 Alessandro, Alex... The letter continues. Postage finds you well, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. First of all, thank you from the bottom of my heart, being a fan of Ashen's for a very long time, and I was there when Barshens started. And then, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and then the Discover Cheap Show. To thank you, I wanted to send some small gift which I hope you appreciate.

Starting point is 00:09:46 So first off, please find renditions of your Barshens logos. I'm terrible at artsy stuff so I apologise. No, don't apologise, these are great. You know we have those badges on our blue shirts? Yes. Here's your one. Mine was an E on its side. Which, there you go.

Starting point is 00:10:01 Oh, it's like a little model E on its side. Yeah, and mine's a little cannon. Oh, yeah. A little orange cannon. So there you are, there you are. I will it's like a little model E on its side. Yeah, and mine's a little cannon Oh, yeah, a little orange cannon. So there are they're like a tree printed. Thank you. Don't grab your dick It was a cupping of the groin all you made It was a subtle cupping of the groin all I need you need not speak of it Well, then don't do it or I will bring a tent it. In my own house? I can't couple the groin all. No. Okay. That's fair enough actually.

Starting point is 00:10:29 So you went to a job? If you went to a job? Oh, hello. Who wants to cut the groin all? I'll leave. Woo woo. Like that. Woo. Sorry, we'll have to fire you from your job as hospital porter. Woo. Yes, see, it's not good. Thank you very much. This though, was what I got, was my little gift. It is a Commodore 64 version of the video game Ghostbusters.

Starting point is 00:10:48 But what's interesting about it is it's an unlicensed Italian bootleg of the game, which means the art on the front, I'm just paraphrasing here, has absolutely nothing to do with Ghostbusters. Oh, it's one of these. So, you know, Ghostbusters, you think, what do you think the cover would have? Ghosts on? Men with laser guns? At least ghosts if it didn't have actual, you know, people in the outfits.

Starting point is 00:11:07 But maybe a man with a laser gun. Maybe a ghost or something. A ghost and a laser gun? No robots. Are there robots on it? I'll just show you what's on it. Oh, it's like, who is that guy? I don't know, but I don't think you get enough. He's a very famous artist for sci-fi covers, basically. Didn't he do a lot of album covers as well? Not as many. This is the guy, this is that really famous paperback sci-fi novel artist.

Starting point is 00:11:27 You'll know that style. Yes. It's that classic style. I love that. I really like this as a thing. But explain what it is, because all you said is what the style is. It's two spaceships and they seem to be in close orbit to a star, basically. There you go. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:11:40 Like maybe a giant sun, you know what I mean? One of these spaceships that's closest to us has a sort of serial number on the side 012 Yeah, does that mean anything in the Ghostbusters universe? Absolutely not. It's an unrelated image. Turbo games, Commodore 64 and if anyone does for whatever reason right now want to know my opinion on the original Ghostbusters game for home computers I do, I was gonna ask you. I fucking boring load of old shit.

Starting point is 00:12:03 Really? Is it like a side scroller? No, you've seen it. You know, it was on everything. There was a version of it on everything. Oh, it's like you stand there and the beams go in sort of thing. Yeah, and there's a grid. And you have to wait for 45 minutes for anything flashes on the screen.

Starting point is 00:12:15 Then you go there and you haven't got enough petrol and your time runs out. Because the game wasn't originally gonna be a Ghostbusters game. It was something called like, Car Wars. And the idea was you had to build a car that could fight in battles and drive around a map.

Starting point is 00:12:27 So they made that the Ecto-1, the thing that you made. They just swept the load of shit out but kept the mechanics of building up money and stuff like that. So anyway. It sucked. I don't like it. It sounds like it sucked. People always ask me what my favorite Ghostbusters game is and without any irony I always say

Starting point is 00:12:40 Luigi's Mansion 3. Anyway I don't want to talk about it no more. Well stop, that's fine. Alexandra for that lovely little package. That's a nice item. And it's a nice item. Now, we must go on, because we have, Eli, drinks to be drunk. Well, I just need to say, as the resident super taster, this going in... Oh, fuck my lips. Right off! You got nothing!

Starting point is 00:13:07 Listen, I thought I did well last week. You're like the man who runs into a bank and says this is a hold-up, but there's no guns, you've just got your fingers out. Impotence to your needs. I've always got my fingers out. There you go again, you've done it again, nothing! Nothing. Listen, I don't feed you, you don't feed... I'm just going to press stop frankly at this point. You've upset me now. I feel ashamed of myself.

Starting point is 00:13:26 You should. It's hot in here and I've got a tickly in the throat. Yeah, well you want to... I tell you what, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to take a little break while Grandad Eli coughs his lung butter up and he has a nice little drink of something to clean his... Oh really? Sorry, I've got a tickle.

Starting point is 00:13:38 Right, stop. We will stop. We must stop. Eli's got a tickle. Listen, do you want me to have a super taster? Nothing. Once again, nothing. Waste of my time. Stop being so aggressive. Waste of my biddy body time. Listen, biddy body time.

Starting point is 00:13:54 And that's meant to be quality, that's meant to be keeping the show going. It's biddy, it's body, it's biddy body time. It's biddy, it's body, it's dick, dick, slam. Don't put your fingers up to say I've got something amazing and then just say Dick. Dick time. Dick Slime. Thank you very much. Oh, I beggish your pardon. Right. So start again. It's Bonnie. Dick Slime. Dick Slime. Big Bonnie. Dick Slime. You can stop. Heheheheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeee big body dicks man you can stop Brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off,

Starting point is 00:14:47 brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, I think I have a pretty good handle on what's funny, my friend. You still haven't told me what your set up is? Is it like a little... Here's what happens. Are you going to just be a prop? You're going to be a prop? No, I'm sorry.

Starting point is 00:15:30 Let me tell you how I do it on stage. So, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome on stage, live at the Apollo, Paul Gannon. I walk on and I stand there and I just go... I suck off a guy! And then I walk off. Can I suggest? Yeah. Okay, you go out, you've got a big coat on. Yeah, big coat. Like that kind of Bernie Winters coat. Doesn't matter. It's a coat that conceals... Specifically, is it Bernie Winters coat? Yes, if you like. Can we move on from that? Can I have a dog as well? You can. And then I gotta go... No, stop. Like that. Can I be Bernie Winters? You cannot be Bernie Winters.

Starting point is 00:16:06 You snow bitch. I don't know how he spoke. Stop. That's not how he spoke. Right, let me get this straight. You come out on stage dressed as Bernie Winters. No. Where do we go from there? You take out a little coffin. A coffee.

Starting point is 00:16:19 Coffin. And you go, hey up, sarcophagus. Okay. Put it on the table. Yeah. Then you go, hey-up, sarcophagus. Okay. Put it on the table. Yeah. Then you go, hey-up, and you... Yeah, go on. You get another one out, identical. Put it next to that.

Starting point is 00:16:32 Two coffins on the stage side by side. Two mini coffins. Yeah. That you can get in your car. Drive the Apollo though, it's a big stage, we want to get lost. They want you for this gag. I'm telling you the best way to set it up. Go on.

Starting point is 00:16:43 Then you go, sarcarkoff a guy. And then you go, only if he played me. Who said that? Oh, they love it. And then I go, I put my hand to my ear and I say, what, ladies and gentlemen? And they all shout back, you suck off a guy. And then I go, oh no, no, suck off a guy. And then what, one, one coffee? And then they shout back, no, you suck off a guy.

Starting point is 00:17:23 And I go, what's that ladies and gentlemen? And then like for 20 more minutes, I just keep that loop going. And then Michael McIntyre comes on and nicks the gag anyway. Oh, right. That's prepared me. And then I go, tootin' Carmen. Yes, exactly. That's what you should do. Tootin' Carmen. Suck off a guy.

Starting point is 00:17:40 Oh, I'm tootin' coming. Yeah, that's it. Yeah. Here we go. Let's workshop this. What's another Cleopatra? Cli-clitter clitter clitter splatrap. Clitter splatrap. Right. Oh!

Starting point is 00:17:51 Oh, almost. Do we know any other Egyptian things or, you know, a... Clitter splatrap. Yeah, no, it's not good. It's not good. It's... That's not good though, is it? Cli-clitter splatrap.

Starting point is 00:18:02 No, it's... Clitter splatrap! That is good. I'm sorry, that is good. I don't know how I can do the podcast anymore. It's too hot! It is a hot, sticky day today. Oh, you've ruined, you've broken me. Sock off, a guy!

Starting point is 00:18:16 Clittersplatterer! How? Shall we just do this segment? Because the ice is melting and shit. Paul! It's already been like four minutes, and all we've just done is figure out a way to say the word clit. It's funny how we went from that high point of last week's episode to this, which has to be one of our worst ones yet.

Starting point is 00:18:30 Suck off, a guy! Paul Hardt! Right, so, okay. Paul Hardt, I'm Rock Hardt! Dick Slime! I'm a private detective! Dick Slime, the private detective. I tell you what, I like Evans. I like, oh hang on, let me think of something.

Starting point is 00:18:50 I'm trying to think of something to do a riddle of the Sphinx. Piddle of my fucking... It stinks! Your piddle stinks! You get asparagus, you get asparagus in there. Asparagus gag. So you start to do and calming. Let's do this fucking off-brand, brand off section. Where we pitch branded, well-known brands of soft drinks So you start cartoon calming. Let's do this fucking off brand brand off section.

Starting point is 00:19:05 Where we pitch branded well known brands of soft drinks or food or what nottery. And we put it up against in a blind taste test, an alternative cheaper version of that thing. But we have four alternative versions. Five items at all. And we're using as our main branded drink, Fanta. Fanta, famously Hitler's soft drink company. Well, do you want to know a potted version of the history of orange soda? I'm not wrong in saying it was a Nazi company.

Starting point is 00:19:32 No, no, no, no, no, but there are reasons for it. So the first ever orange soda drink is apparently a drink that was created in 1909 called Orange Crush. And it was a small independent thing. It grew a little bit bigger in the 1900s, but effectively that was the, I mean, still going today, Orange Crush is a flavour in America. It's been bought by other companies over the over 100 years or so.

Starting point is 00:19:51 Has it really? Yeah, and it's still going today. It's an American drink, but now it's more popular in places like Mexico or abroad and things like that. That's like the progenitor of it all. Could I ask? Yeah. progenitor of it all. Could I ask, is that why it's sort of a generic drink for a generic name for a fruit-based fizzy drink now, Crush, isn't it? You get raspberry Crush, you know, acro-cock Crush. That was the original, that was me, that was the first time. Yeah, so when it comes

Starting point is 00:20:17 to worldwide, that's the major one, right? Orange Crush. It wasn't until the Second World War that Fanta came out, because yes, the Second World War had a massive effect, but what happened was Coca-Cola was a big brand across the world and Germany had quite a few Coca-Cola factories. Big bottling plants. And obviously when they suddenly found themselves cut off from America and couldn't get the ingredients to make Coke, the guy who ran the factories in Germany went, well we'll just make something different using what we've got. Blah, blah, blah. Called it Fanta. Fanta is Hitler Coke, basically. I don't think Hitler was like, oh, I've got this crazy idea for a fizzy drink, y'all. Get down with this. Yeah, it's good. I want a nice orange drink, but with the fizzy bubbles I like.

Starting point is 00:20:57 But I also heard that once the war started and cola, Coca-Cola was kicked out, essentially. Yeah. They were making like German Coke. But they didn't have the special ingredients to make the branded stuff they got. It wasn't the American stuff. Yeah. And then that, Fanta was the big hit. Which was a fruit from the beginning, was it an orange flavored fruit drink? Yeah. And then it basically died out for a bit. And then in the 50s, it kind of reappeared in Italy. And that's when the Coca-Cola company was like, well, this should theoretically be ours. So it wasn't until the 60s when they

Starting point is 00:21:28 relaunched it in America as Fanta, but they did no advertising for it. They just slipped it out the door. But I thought that after the war, Coca-Cola was allowed to sort of rebuy those bottling all of that stuff. Well, I mean, that's beside the point in terms of the brand. But they own Fanta now, don't they? Yeah, they do. They own that brand. So they must have bought it or given it back or what? Well, I mean, that's that's beside the point in terms of the brand. They own Fanta now, don't they? They own that brand. So they must have bought it or given it back. Well, this is what I'm saying. It wasn't until a few years after

Starting point is 00:21:49 the war when they suddenly took an interest in it because they saw it reappearing. And then it was like, well, this should be very likely. Because it's all from our stuff. And yeah, long story short, it wasn't until the 90s

Starting point is 00:21:59 when Coca-Cola finally put some advertising into Fanta and then it became huge. And now it's one of the top 10 fizzy drinks around the world. That's the history of it. So and Fanta is orange but also does countless other flavors. Yeah it's all a big quagmire of anything that's not Coca-Cola. That's not Coke. Yeah with that being said we have a bottle of the Fanta. This is the stuff you get on the shelf in the UK. I don't know how similar it is to the brand that originated way back in the day.

Starting point is 00:22:26 I don't know, but that's our first drink. That is our first drink. And then Mr Tango comes out. This is our top of our off brands. This is the British equivalent of Fanta. Yes, and at one point we might do a proper deep dive into Tango, but for now... Do you know anything about it? Yeah, but I reckon we should save it for another time. When did it start though?

Starting point is 00:22:44 It was... God! I just need to know it start though? It was, oh God. I just need to know a bit of tango background, please Paul. I was hoping to save it in case we ever came across those tango fucking rubber duck, you know, rubber creatures or that you have advertising and those shouty cups. I was hoping we could get some merch.

Starting point is 00:22:56 There's a lot of tango merch from their controversial ad campaign of the nineties. Okay, this is the overview. The tango brand of soft drinks originate in the UK in the 1950s when it was first launched as Corona. Oh! And I vaguely remember Corona adverts when you see old TV shows and things like that. You do, you do see that, yeah.

Starting point is 00:23:13 In the 50s. In 1958, the Beecham's group acquired Corona, and in 1987, Britfic bought Corona. I knew Britfic would be in this picture. Yeah. Which included the Tango brand. The Tango is known for its refreshing taste of real fruit tang and is free of artificial colors and flavors. As of August 2019, the range includes orange, apple, strawberry, watermelon, tropical, and tango iced, blash, slush flavors. Iced, blast, slush flavor. Yeah, like at the cinema you can get that shit. You can get tango slush. Yeah. They're stepping on that slush puppy market. And at some point we will probably go into like the advertising

Starting point is 00:23:47 and the... They had a very controversial advertising campaign. That's Tango! But I'm trying, the reason I wanted some background, because I'm going to try here as the resident super taster to differentiate and I'm thinking Fanta is a Coca Cola product so it's probably got more of the, more of that Cola taste maybe, or more of the sharpness that Coke has. We'll find out, won't we? And I'm looking at Tango,

Starting point is 00:24:10 which says Pride itself is sort of being unartificial. So perhaps it will have a more of a real fruit flavor. I mean, just to the eye, Tango is a much darker drink than the paler Fanta looks. Oh yeah, they are differentiated by color quite clearly there. But weirdly, I wouldn't say, I mean, they are, but the same time you look at them, you don't think really orange. But like when you compare it to like here's the next one, Blue Dag, which is our personal

Starting point is 00:24:32 cheap show favourite. Ulu Dag. Oh yeah, why did I say Blue Dag? Because you thought it was a B. Yeah. Yeah. So, Ulu Dag. Which I believe is a Turkish brand and you know why it looks really orange?

Starting point is 00:24:43 Because it's nice. Because it has Tartrazine Z which is like one of those E numbers that has been banned. Oh really? Yeah. That's why it's so nice. Right so that's number three. Again you will not be getting these in these orders. I'm just going through them now for the sake of our listening.

Starting point is 00:24:58 I'm going to try and differentiate. Now these, those are much cheaper so they're much off brand to Fanta. Yeah these are like £1.20 each, the Tango and the Fanta. So they're the same price. Yeah. So how much was the Uludag, do you remember? It's 99p, it's less. Okay. It's less, they're usually less than a quid, they're like 70p, 80p.

Starting point is 00:25:13 Right. So the next one is called Kamlika. And I believe that is another of these Turkish brands. So and it has a textured glass bottle. Similar to Uludag, yeah. Very similar to Uoloo Dag. And, you know, similar orange. It's ever so slightly less orange than the Ooloo Dag, but still orange. It is. All four different colours.

Starting point is 00:25:31 And I tell you what, mate, I'm a cum licker. Sock off the guy! Right, finally. But those are delicious. They got like, they taste like what orange soda tasted like in your childhood. Or what you'd like it to taste like until you compare it to Tango and go, ugh. But I think Tango and Fanta have both actually changed their formula in recent years for their sugar tax reasons. Yeah, so there's a very good chance that whatever this is isn't going to be a completely fair

Starting point is 00:25:56 overall... For what they were at their best. So finally is Miranda. This one comes in a can, not a bottle. And it's orange. And tell us a little bit more, Mr Silverman. I have noticed in recent years Miranda being stocked in fried chicken shops, basically. So it very much is an off-brand Fanta Tango, I believe. And you can get it in shops around

Starting point is 00:26:16 here in a few flavours. They do a strawberry, and I think I'm going to be able to taste that as being the sort of lowest quality one. Interesting. It's empty, a bit of an empty sort of not very high quality. Because it's worth noting that in the 90s when it had its big, massive advertisement campaign, Tango went from and also ran to like one of the most popular brands in the UK. And then kind of just fell off a cliff in the early 2000s again.

Starting point is 00:26:37 Anyway, they're the five drinks. What's going to happen is he's going to put a blindfold on. I'm going to serve him one of these drinks, and he's just going to give me his opinion then rank them then once we've got all five we'll see how the rankings go and then you can say which one you think is tango and whatever whatever and then I will reveal which ones you need to write down my guesses as I go because I need to hold on to all five of these can I just say some preliminary tasting prediction notes yeah because some of

Starting point is 00:27:02 these are familiar to you in the time in the past yeah they are Fanta Tango are familiar and so is the Uludag and Miranda. So I'm hoping for a good score on this but because of Fanta's connection with Coke being a Coke product, I'm gonna look for that sharpness. You know that Coke has that sharpness which differentiates it from Pepsi. That kind of, you know, that bright sharpness. Tango is gonna be more like the Pepsi equivalent in many respects. That's what I'm thinking. Maybe if I go with that, Tango will have more of that

Starting point is 00:27:28 rounded, you know, sweeter. And I will say this, I'm going to open all of these at once. So obviously you don't hear me go, and then pouring it up, because then you know it's the can. Both the Uludag and the Kamlicker. Yeah, anyway, they're bowls. I have pop tops. They have two screw, one can, two pop

Starting point is 00:27:46 tots. Ring pull. Ring pulls, yeah. So I'm going to do all that in the break now and then we're going to get into it. So are you feeling confident? I'm feeling like I must be able to get the... Well, to be fair... I don't know. We're talking about the ranking here now, so it's going to be interesting. It's like, what's your favourite flavour? I think the Uludag's going to win my favourite flavour. Okay. The Turkish ones, because those do taste very different. They taste old school.

Starting point is 00:28:09 It's that real sugar, that fullness that we're always looking for in these kind of drinks. And I really want to be able to distinguish the others, but I might be out of my league here. Well, we're about to find out. Join us after this carefully placed sound effect. Let the tasting begin. So here is your first of the orange sodas today, Mr Silverman. Put your hand out and I will place the glass within your grasp. I've got the hand out, there's the glass. So this is drink number one. And of course I'm going for a Nif.

Starting point is 00:28:46 He's going in for a Nif. That to me smells like Ule Dag. Okay, why? It's that rich orange, oh no, that could be tango. I'm fucked already, mate. Just get into the taste of it. We're only ranking it right now.

Starting point is 00:28:57 We just want your overall feelings. I don't know what to say. That could be Fanta, could be tango from the nose actually. And don't think about terms of top best or whatever, bottom best, like ranking it that way. Just give me like a 1.5 and the most is five and the least is one. So you can just grade it that way.

Starting point is 00:29:11 Now I've tasted this now and it has a sort of thinness. Yeah. Very sweet. Orangey? Yeah. Is it very orangey? Yes, it's orange juicy. It's got a kind of concentrated orange juice kind of taste. Right. And I think it's Tango. I don't know why but I think this is the

Starting point is 00:29:27 tango or the marinda. It doesn't for me it doesn't have the sharpness which I'm looking for with the Fanta but it's that now I've changed my mind from the first Nifnaf because I don't think this is either of the Turkish ones because it doesn't have the sort of sweet full bodied sweetness. A full bodied sweetness. So for now out of five how many how many points do you want to give it? I don't think that's the sort of sweet, full bodied sweetness. A full bodied sweetness to it on the nose. Out of five, how many points do you wanna give it? I don't think that's very good. It's only like a, it's just not good.

Starting point is 00:29:51 It has a sort of sourness and an empty wateriness in terms of the flavor department. So I'm gonna give that a two. I just don't think, it's just not. Two out of five? Everything fades about that flavor almost immediately. Okay. Okay. Yeah, I think that was tango.

Starting point is 00:30:03 Tango to me has always been, as soon as go. Yeah. I never finished the can of tango because it's just boring tasting and to me that was just a boring generic orange soda with nothing really going for it. I want this to be my mouth. Here is drink number two. My pure palate talking. Here is drink number two. Hand out. Okay. I'm going to need some water as well. Alright. Okay. So this is drink number two. Flavour notes. gonna need some water as well. Alright. Okay. So this is drink number two. Flavour notes. The nose is even more of a sort of, you know what this one smells like actually, it smells a bit like glassé oranges. Oh I see. A little bit marmalady, a little bit candied orange. Maybe it's nicer. Again, but it's

Starting point is 00:30:37 not very strong on the nose. Here we've got, I'm going in. He's going in. Calm down everyone. Fucking hell he's going in. That's awful. In what way? Is it very orangey? No it's even weaker even more giving me an aspartame vibe really is. It dies in the mouth there's no lingering sweetness and the orange is so generic even more flat and generic. So you would say it's it's worse than the first one? Yeah. Okay. Oh man I might be out so. Well right now I just need to know out of five what you're gonna give it. What did I than the first one? Yeah. Oh man, I might be out so... Well right now I just need to know, out of five, what you're going to give it. What did I give the first two?

Starting point is 00:31:08 Two out of five. I'm going 1.5 for this. And I think this is the Marinda and that first one is the Tango, so far. Okay, can you make a little note of that? I am doing, yes. But that is just so generic, so disappointing, so it doesn't deliver any zest. Fine, we're going on to drink number three. Pour this away.

Starting point is 00:31:26 Here comes drink number three, bother. Okay, I'm hoping these improve. Drink number three. Oh yeah. Oh yeah, he says. The tides are turning for Flavortown. This has an almost a mandarin, that kind of, or bergamot, which is also citrus fruit.

Starting point is 00:31:41 That citrus fruit can have a sort of herbal spiciness almost. I'll have a manta rim. I've lost it. I've lost it. It's no sarcophagi, that's for sure. Now, but you know that mandarin or clementines or satsuma. Yeah, those kind of juicy orange. Yeah, all of those sort of relatives of oranges have a more, for me, it's a more spicy, almost peppery note. Bergamot, which is Earl Grey, definitely has a... All right, just drink it now, I'm bored.

Starting point is 00:32:13 And I'm getting that on the nose. Drink it, I'm bored. I'm getting that on the nose here. It's not food and drink. Come on, mate. Come on, mate. Come on, mate. Come on, mate.

Starting point is 00:32:21 This mouth is making you millions. Suck off, a guy. He's going for a drinky poo. Oh, he says. I think this is the Kamalicka. And why? Because it has a, there's still some carbonation poking through and has a real sugar hit, a fullness of flavor and that kind of cane sugar kind of delivers a warm sweetness. But you like it.

Starting point is 00:32:44 Yeah. Out of five? Oh Oh easily 3.5, four. Pick one. That's nice. That's definitely. Pick one. 3.5 or four? Four. That's definitely the Uludag or the Kamalika. Definitely. Do you want to tie one down right now? I'm gonna say Kamalika because of that sort of spicy mandarin-y note, which I think the Oola Dag is more of a straight up, melted ice lolly, lovely memory trip, nostalgia orange vibe, which I'm looking for in the next one. Shut up! Come on! Do you want to drink it all down, finish it off, because you like this one at least? We're running out of space in the big cup, so you might want to take... Oh, you're really?

Starting point is 00:33:18 ...have another... yeah, because of all... I don't want to drink anymore, it'll ruin my palate. I'll drink it then, give it here. Yeah, I'm going to look for clues in how you react to this with my ears. Eww! Just a little bit of a joke there ladies. Very good. Now rinse that, properly rinse that. I know what I'm fucking doing!

Starting point is 00:33:33 Alright, I'm saying I can't see it. I never really go for an orange soda if I'm in the market for a soda. I find them a refreshing change after too much Coke or Dr Pepper. Yeah, so you do sort of alternate sometimes. Hello! Right, here is your fourth drink, Mr. Silverman. Okay. Four of five.

Starting point is 00:33:48 I'm gonna go in on the nose here. He's going in on the nose here. Oh, we're back in the- We're back in Shit Town, are we? We're back in Shit Town. Right. This is very, this is very tango as well. This is very tango on the nose.

Starting point is 00:34:00 Yeah. This is the most tango-y on the nose. Tango on the nose. Has an emptiness again. Emptiness again. But- How orangey is it? No, it's tango on the nose. It has an emptiness again. Emptiness again. But... How orange-y is it?

Starting point is 00:34:08 Again, that's the question I like to ask for these. It's not very orange-y. It's actually... It's got a Coca-Cola thing. I think this might be the Fanta. It's got an... That acid. That Coke acid.

Starting point is 00:34:17 I know what you mean. I know what you mean. That kind of... What is it? That slightly watery, sharp, acid-y... That could be the Fanta. Or it could be the Uludag. That's actually quite nice. Not as... Wait, are you saying you like this now?

Starting point is 00:34:28 I'm confused. I'm getting mixed messages from you. There's an Aspartame or something, no. There's an emptiness, but... I've got an emptiness in me. Have you? Yeah. Arse part... Arse part emptiness. Arse parted emptiness.

Starting point is 00:34:40 Arse parted emptiness. Arse party. Come to my arse party! It's like there's a party in my ass! One in, one out! Your name's not down, you're not coming in. You've got a bouncer outside. Oh yeah, what's he called? Gary. Everyone's Gary. Okay, I don't know what to think of this. I think it might be the Uludag. I don't want you to give me a score at least. That's a three and a half. It's quite nice. That is, I think that's the Uludag. Okay, right. To me that says Uludag.

Starting point is 00:35:09 So I'm looking now. Right. Okay, so now I'm looking for this to be another bad one. I think those two were the good ones, the glass bottle ones, the last two I had. Mm. Oh, it's hard. I'll go through them very quickly

Starting point is 00:35:23 after this last flavor country. Okay. And could I get a retaste of one or two? If you need to, yes's hard. I'll go through them very quickly after this last flavor country Okay, could I get a retaste of one or two if you need to yes? You can clean my mouth now clean your mouth. This is the final one. This is the final one I'm gonna just go on the nose. I'm just gonna try and thin slice this This is the fifth and final drink weak on the nose one of the worst on the nose Okay, just not a lot going on and it and the orange is muted for me here. Very muted. This isn't. This is poor. The poorest on the nose. Really?

Starting point is 00:35:52 Yeah. But let's see what the flavor says. Maybe the flavor speaks louder. I'm getting no orange here. Really? Oh, that's the Miranda. That is awful. It barely tastes of orange. It barely tastes of orange at all. What are you getting? It's so cheap. Just sugar. Like a sherbety kind of orange. It barely tastes of orange at all. What are you getting? It's so cheap, just sugar.

Starting point is 00:36:05 Like a sherbet-y kind of thing? No, not even that. There's no fizz. It's not like the Fanta, which has that bite. This is just sugar water with very muted, cheap orange flavor right in the background. That's the Miranda. You also said the second one was Miranda.

Starting point is 00:36:19 I think the second one... Well, let's go through it again. First of all, score. For this one. And you think it's Miranda. Yeah, I really do. It does not taste of oranges hardly at all. I could be so wrong on this. Okay. Hold on to that for a sec. But I would like to retaste two which I did call Miranda. Let's just quickly go through what you've said so far. The first one you said was the tango and you gave that two out of five. The next one you said was

Starting point is 00:36:43 Miranda and you gave that 1.5 out of five. Yeah five the next one you said was Miranda you gave that one point five out of five Yeah, the next one you said was cam liqueur, which is four out of five The next one you said was ulu dag which is three point five out of five And then the final one you said Miranda again, and that's one point five. Yeah, I don't what you want to go through again I want to taste number two again because I'm pretty sure number two is is the Fanta now. Right hand out. Yeah, my hand is out. Here's number two again. Thank you. Yeah, it's got more orange than number five. Okay. Which makes me go towards Fanta for this. So you're now saying Fanta. Oh okay, I know now. Do you want to change the scores?

Starting point is 00:37:18 You want to change the names? No, I'm not changing the scores. All right, I'm gonna have to lock you in at this point now. So. Number one. Yeah, you gave 2.5. And what did I think it was initially? You said it was Tango originally. Number two, you've said is Fanta and you gave that 1.5. The next one, which is the highest rated, four out of five you gave it and you said that was Kamlicka.

Starting point is 00:37:38 Ooloo Dag, the fourth drink and you gave that 3.5, which means, you know, it was the second favorite and then finally you said Miranda, 1.5 and it was the worst of all drinks. I want to swap the first two I think the tango was number one. No that's what you said already. I think tango is two and that Fanta is one. Tango is... taking my blindfold off. Okay wait wait wait wait you said what tango was number two? Yes. And then number one is what? Fanta. Fanta. I've got my blindfold off now. Right. That was a challenge.

Starting point is 00:38:07 Let's reveal all. Here we go. Here's the final scores now. Can I ask, Paul? Yes. Did you taste along? Yes, I did. And I really...

Starting point is 00:38:22 It's difficult when you know what the answers are because my interpretation of the flavour is different from yours because you're blind to it. I largely agree with what you said about the flavour profiles but because I'm looking at them I'm getting a different reaction to what you're saying. If I get two of these right I'll be happy. So you said the first drink was Fanta. What score did I give it? Two out of five, ranking it third out of all of them right in the middle. It was Miranda, the first one. The Tinder drink. There you go on that one. I bet Fanta was the last one, the shittest then. It's always happened. Second drink, you only gave 1.5 out of 5 for. Tango. That is the tango, surely.

Starting point is 00:38:59 You said tango. Our survey says tango. Tango. You were right about that one at least, so you get a little tick in the box there, Super Taster. That's the Tango. Tango. You were right about that one at least. So you get a little tick in the box there Super Taster. That's the one I've got in my hand now. That's the Tango. So number three, you said was the Kamlicka. Kamlicka, I don't know how you pronounce it. I liked it. Had a Mandarin note. You definitely gave it the highest score, making it the top choice this evening. Four out of five. That could be the Uludag. It was the Uludag. So no point there, but it was your favourite. I think it is the popular choice here.

Starting point is 00:39:28 That's your favourite as well. It's just got a bit more complexity and fuller sweetness, doesn't it? Number four, you gave 3.5 out of 5. That must be the Kamaleika. Which you ranked second favourite. Must be the Kamaleika. It was the Fanta. Ah.

Starting point is 00:39:44 Which is why I was surprised by your reaction. Kamalika is the worst. So Kamalika was the last one you gave it the worst. Yes. And you said Miranda. But it was the very worst. Taste it again now that you can see. It's terrible because I didn't. I thought the Kamalika was going to be almost as good as the Uludag

Starting point is 00:39:59 because it's such a similar product. But here's the thing. It's got no flavour. When I had a little taste of it, to me it felt like like a sherbet with a sprinkling, like sherbet or orange sherbet almost. It's more kind of fizzy sugar than it is orange. There's so little orange flavour in that. Worst of all of them. Do you want to try a Fanta again considering you like it? I don't like it. Where did I rank it? Second best. It was the second best. Yeah. I don't know if I agree with that personally, but actually it hasn't got the best competition. Miranda's better than I thought. It's not as aggressively sweet as the Cumlicker one. Yeah, that's terrible. Interesting. So out of all of these, you said Uh,

Starting point is 00:40:32 Uludag was the best. The worst ended up being the uh, Miranda, uh, the Cumlicker and then everything else is kind of in the middle. So, terms of value for money, Uludag is hugely, it's superior to the big brands. Yeah. And it's cheaper. So, Uludag all the way. Uludag all the, it's superior to the big brands and it's cheaper. So, Uludag all the way. Uludag all the way. Cheap Show recommends Uludag if you see it in a shop. And they also have Uludag special ones where they have pear flavoured and they have mandarin versions, different, they're very good soda. It's just nicer. It's very nice. You have that right after a tango or Fanta and it's like night and day.

Starting point is 00:41:03 Yeah, absolutely. Lovely bottle. What a great product. What a great product and it's like night and day. Yeah, absolutely. It's a lovely bottle. What a great product. What a great product and it comes with the cheap show stamp of approval. It certainly does. Right, we're off to page turner land now. Hold on tight, it's gonna get fucking weird. Hello, welcome to Paul's Page turners the relaxing part of the pod where Paul sits down and reads your lovely

Starting point is 00:41:28 boggies car. I handed over to my good friend Paul Gannon. There you go Paul. How about that then? Why thank you Gary. No thank you. Paul, I've just got my own person called Gary to introduce me to this section It's a Gary friendly show. Okay, so here he comes Gary Gary I'm Gary Sir, my name is Gary. I don't give a fuck I don't like it either so I silver get this guy you shut your mouth. Hey, shut your mouth I don't know about this guy. Do I? I don't know about him. Everybody, here is- Oh, here is Eloy Silverman.

Starting point is 00:42:08 Hello, thank you very much, Gary. Your one's a bit rude, if you don't mind me saying so. Your one's completely unfunny. What does it got to do with literature? Your fucking stupid moral accent! He's setting a tone and I- Ah... Worst episode ever.

Starting point is 00:42:23 Fuck off, daddy nasty man. You better save it with this fucking story, ah. Worst episode ever. Fuck off, daddy nasty man. You better save it with this fucking story, man. Well, I have got a humdinger for you today. So, this marries everything I like in one book. It marries supernatural, psychic bollocks, light entertainment from the 70s and 80s, piss poor showbiz stories, and an overall sense of naffness which tickles all, yes all of

Starting point is 00:42:46 my fancies. It's called The Soul Must Go On Book 2 by Malcolm Thorogood. Freddy's messages to his friend, the author of this book, are absolute proof of Freddy's life after death. Now I want you to hold that sentence in your head. The conceit of this book, Eli, is not merely my messages in the afterlife with Freddy Starr. It is absolute proof of Freddy's life after death. Yes. And so by, if you expand that out, it would then be absolute proof of life after

Starting point is 00:43:18 death in general. And it would be one of the most amazing conclusive breakthroughs in all of human history and knowledge. More important than the Bible, this book. More important than any other discovery of all of mankind's history. Life after death proof would change humanity fundamentally overnight. Fundamentally, even more than like alien life forms probably. Even more. So let's begin. So I'm looking forward to you proving it to me now, Paul.

Starting point is 00:43:43 So here we go, we're going to get into this. Now, I'm not going to read all of this book out because half. So here we go, we're gonna get into this. Now, I'm not gonna read all of this book out because half of it is padding and the other half we can skip through, but we need to get into the beginning of this. So I'm gonna paraphrase a lot of it. Effectively, what happened was to boil this all down, Malcolm Thorogood was a guy,

Starting point is 00:43:56 and this is where we have to tread lightly because I don't wanna feel like we're punching down, but effectively, he lost his daughter to cancer when she was 14. The first book is about how, through meditation and past life regression, all these other things, he made contact with his daughter to cancer when she was 14. The first book is about how, through meditation and past life regression, all these other things, he made contact with his daughter and she proved that there was life after death.

Starting point is 00:44:11 To him? To him. And that's where the story ends. Now, he wrote a book and that book was sold at cancer research shops, charity shops around the country. And all the money went to the charity. He didn't earn a single penny from making this book. Fair enough, but still, I don't think it's a responsible thing for cancer research to do.

Starting point is 00:44:30 Well, I mean, fine. This is weird. There's so much grey in this story. There's like, who's being exploited in this story? Who's lying? Who's misinformed? Who's naive? Who's conning who? There's a lot of that going on because at the first point you think, well this obviously sounds like a con man talking but he seems genuine. He seems genuinely genuine but I also think he's easily led which is what we'll get into. So that's the backstory. Can I ask one question? Yes.

Starting point is 00:44:58 Did Thorogood know Freddie Star? We're going to get into that right now but the journey is still bumpy because the first chapter is basically him summing up the last book to bring you up to speed. Which was communications from his daughter which he received in meditation. So and he's basically at the beginning of this book. I didn't have a second book until he met in Jhorek, he met an Indian guru from Mumbai called Sastry.

Starting point is 00:45:21 Okay. There's a lot of faffing going on about how this guy bumped into Malcolm randomly and for some reason, even though he lived in a village in the middle of nowhere, he knew all about Malcolm and his book. He said, these star charts that have been put together say this. And Malcolm goes, that's my book. And he goes, oh. And then.

Starting point is 00:45:38 Right. So he drew a parallel between some esoteric nonsense this guy was doing and his book. Yes. It was like two strangers meeting and then suddenly they have an astral connection over the stars. Okay, so did his book have sort of star, did his book with his daughter, it just- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

Starting point is 00:45:53 this is a separate, this is a kind of, this is the inciting incident. So, this is where it goes off the rails instantly, two pages in. The Indian psychic guy says this, I can see that since the day you were born you were destined to write this book, the first book, but you didn't write it. It was written through you by your daughter from the other side. She is a very highly evolved spirit, almost at the point of enlightenment. She needed to come to earth for 14 years to

Starting point is 00:46:22 complete her lives on earth. And she chose you two, Malcolm and his wife, as her parents because she knew you would have the ability to put pen to paper and knew you would tell her story. So effectively what he's saying is his daughter was only meant to be alive for 14 years because that's what was left on the clock. Wasn't really his daughter but some kind of eternal spirit. And now through her, through this, now the daughter is not just a departed child, it's now a whole... But wouldn't you be a bit creeped out if you actually believed that? Because it's like you knew your daughter but then you this person is telling you that that wasn't really

Starting point is 00:46:54 their identity. That they were this spirit, this almost evolved, you know, almost enlightened spirit. But you're going to notice through this book Malcolm starts putting connections together that just aren't there. I mean I don't believe it. And he's filling in a lot of gaps. But do're going to notice through this book, Malcolm starts putting connections together that just aren't there. I mean, I don't believe it. And he's filling in a lot of gaps. But do you take my point, though, Paul? Yeah. That it's almost like saying

Starting point is 00:47:10 your daughter wasn't really your daughter. Well, that's exactly what this is saying. But he's also putting a caveat on, say, but she was a special, special creature that you were lucky to have in your life for 14 years. It's, oh, it's heinous. So then the psychic basically says, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

Starting point is 00:47:24 you're going to write another book. And he says, I had no idea what the book might be about until this morning at the psychic basically says, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you're going to write another book. And he says, I had no idea what the book might be about until this morning at the end of September when I was meditating. And it suddenly came to me, not only should I tell this world about the amazing messages that Freddie Star had sent me, but that the book should be a sequel to my first, The Soul Must Go On. Now, he's not a very good writer. We're going to say this right now.

Starting point is 00:47:43 So all of a sudden he's meditating, he goes, you know what? I'm going to tell about Freddy Starr now. Because I'm receiving the messages from him. And what's the title of this book? This is called The Soul Must Go On Book 2. He goes on about then in the next couple of paragraphs talking about how the first book raised some money and now he's going to do it for this. He could have called it The Souls Must Go On.

Starting point is 00:48:01 He could have. If he had any sort of... There's a load of titles he could have called it, Eli. You're right loads I'm just thinking of them because that was really go on the soul was still go on still go on to get the soul strikes back So he gives all these accused about why he wants to write a second book raising money for charity spreading as well You don't have to believe in blah blah and then he goes secondly Freddy star wants me to write this book You'll see that in his messages

Starting point is 00:48:24 He wants to warn others of the perils of addiction. And then he talks about how, you know, Freddy Starr had a very notable and like threatening problem with Valium. Oh, is that what it was? Well, so you're not an alcoholic? I mean, yeah, that going on as well. But Valium... For the sake of the focus of this book, it's all about the Valium.

Starting point is 00:48:37 Barbiturates. Yeah. I feel there has to be a reason or reasons why Freddy has chosen me to convey his messages. It could be that I often discuss spiritual matters with him when he was alive, but now being in heaven, he knows that I have to write a book on spirituality and he wants to help out. So there was, he's saying there that they knew each other when Freddy was alive. Yeah, well they do. He's going to go into that in a minute. It's funny as well, because again, this is the guy who I think you'll agree at this end of the day didn't have much

Starting point is 00:49:03 of a friendship with Freddy Starr, but he he goes on to say so many of acquaintances brackets friends exclamation mark question mark We just show biz hangers on we're only with him for the fame and his notoriety I was a friend of the man not Freddie the artist and it may surprise you to know I don't possess even one Photograph of him because he I never wanted to take. So to the best of my knowledge, none were taken. Yes. I'm afraid he's not his best friend but there's no pictures of me. Because it was too... Yeah.

Starting point is 00:49:30 I didn't need to prove it. You didn't need to prove it. That stinks of lies, Paul. That stinks of lies. It reeks of... Why put that in the book? Yeah. Again.

Starting point is 00:49:39 What's this with this receipts thing? This is like a new phrase and you just started using it this week. I have the receipts. Iipts. What's it from? Is this what I don't know? It's suddenly it's in everything. I've got the receipts. You're such a sponge picking up all these terms. It's what I do.

Starting point is 00:49:53 Anyway, that's, I mean I'm not... So then he goes on to say basically and maybe Freddie's fame will help promote this book. Which he knows. Ooh, maybe. To be fair, it was the reason why I fucking picked... It's Stinks of Lies. Yeah, but it's the reason I picked it up, because it had Freddie Star on the cover and I was like, alright.

Starting point is 00:50:07 That's like Tantamounta admitting I was sitting there smelling my own fart and who can I, you know, who can I dredge up from my life? Who I can tell a fucking load of lies about. Here's the first twist to the story. He says, and I'm paraphrasing, he never spoke to Freddie directly as a medium. Nothing spiritual came to him. The messages came from a psychic called Jane Valentine, who happened to know me, you know, on the circuit. Oh yeah.

Starting point is 00:50:32 And basically he's saying that ghosts just turn up in front of her and then she messages people. Spirits. So, to skip forward a little bit, the correspondence is he sits alone, his phone goes off, there's a text from Jane Valentine and she goes, oh I've just heard from Freddie, do you want to hear what Freddie says? And then that's what he recounts in the book. And is this for charity?

Starting point is 00:50:52 This book is for charity as well. So why? Because he's thinking he's helping people with grieving. One of the things he talks about in this book and the previous is that he wants to help people get over the passing of family relatives or whatever, blah blah blah, it's all about that. So now we're going to get into his friendship. So first of all, he calls Freddie Star a mega star of light entertainment. What do you think the reality is?

Starting point is 00:51:15 Was he, he was A-list in Britain. Was he? Yeah. He obviously had his own TV shows. He had his own TV shows. He was always on variety performances and shows like that. For years. I think he... because remember, we've told this story before, but it was originally meant to be Freddie Starr's madhouse.

Starting point is 00:51:31 But he was impossible to work with, fucked everyone off, got fired and the Sabbath took over. And that probably had to do with his... Potentially. Potentially. So, by no... what I'm trying to say though, Paul, is by no means was he a megastar, by any definition of that term really. No, no. He could argue he was a big fish in a very small pond, but that pond was probably him and Bernie Winters. So we just don't know.

Starting point is 00:51:52 So I'm going to skip through a lot of this, obviously. I'm going to paraphrase the shit out of it. But effectively, they met because their kids went to the same school. So Freddie Starr's kids went to the same one his daughter did when she was alive. They would often go end up going on holiday together to Barbados. Okay, so they were proper friends. And he was taking him to TV show recordings, clubs and theatres and he met a load of celebrities. Cut to my favourite page of this book where he gives a little drawn diagram of all the celebrities

Starting point is 00:52:17 he's met because of his association with Freddie Star. Just so you can visualise this everyone. Who's on this? Is there a litman? Let's find out. In the middle there's's a star, and in the star it says, Freddy Star. And all these lines coming off with bubbles on the end with these names in. These are celebrities he's met. Sir Cliff Richard. Oh, of course. Hank Marvin and the Shadows. Well, related to Cliff Richard.

Starting point is 00:52:37 Diana Dawes. Des O'Connor. Muhammad Ali. Dame Shirley Bassey. Michael Parkinson. Wayne Dobson. Jim Davidson, Lenny Bennett. They're the big ones.

Starting point is 00:52:49 More than, more, more, Muhammad Ali. Wayne Dobson was that shit magician. And what's famous about him, if you ever see the Frantic Planet, you know, Stuart Millard's videos on YouTube, he shows a new story that Bobby Davro fucked Wayne Dobson's wife upstairs while Wayne Dobson was in the kitchen downstairs at a point where Wayne Dobson was in his wheelchair because of his health. Wow. Dark shit. So yeah. So then he goes on.

Starting point is 00:53:12 Sorry, Lenny Bennett. Lenny Bennett was a game show host stand up. He did Lucky Ladders for those who want to go deeper into that. So he talks about his fame. He talks about how great he is, how he broke the form. He bigs Lenny. He bigs him up way too much. Freddie Star? Yeah, Freddie Star. He was a sensational singer recording many albums, one of which went platinum. He was not a sensational. Is that a fact? I've not looked it up. Was Freddie Star, if you're listening, anyone,

Starting point is 00:53:37 was Freddie Star a platinum selling artist? I can't believe they were. I cannot believe they were. He went to the Royal Variety performance where he was, get this, Freddie Star was top bill with Tina Turner. Now that's a megastar. Do you know what I mean? And then he says also, Freddie Starr was a bit of a tinker.

Starting point is 00:53:53 Apparently he was out on his driveway one day next to his car and went to a neighbour, can you give me a push? So the neighbour came over to push the car and Freddie saw him running around the house and when the guy went round the back to see where Freddie had gone, Freddie was sitting in a swing. See? Give us a push. Oh wow. Oh I see. Now we get into a chapter called One Man, Six Freddys. So Freddy's revenge, dream warriors, dream master, dream child and Freddy's dead. So he has six Freddys in his, he said these,

Starting point is 00:54:20 there are six Freddys out there that he knows. One man but there are six personalities. Yes. One is entertainer Freddy, the one that we all know on the TV. The one that you're not interested in. Then there's spiritual Freddy, the Freddy that loves to talk about ghosts and the afterlife and faith and reincarnation or the astral blah blah blah bollocks, right? Can I ask a question here, Paul? Yes.

Starting point is 00:54:39 Did, was Freddy interested in all that kind of nonsense? Who fucking knows? He wasn't known for it. I've certainly never heard of anything. There may be a TV show, you know, like celebrities pass like progression or whatever, that he might have been on or shows like that. Who knows? Then the... Oh, okay. So it also mentions he was hanging around with psychics

Starting point is 00:54:57 because his father came through a psychic called Doris Stokes, who was a reasonably well-known psychic back in the day. Then there's practical Joker Freddie. And practical Joker Freddie is the one who goes on the swing. And then there's Compassionate Freddy who looks after his friends and all this kind of stuff. That's nice of him. And then it's Skipsalow. Then there's Stifled Freddy and the Fragile Monster Freddy, where he talks about basically, he goes into a lot about Valium. The addict. Yes. He goes into a lot about Valium now. He was prescribed two milligram tablets to take 30 minutes before going on stage to calm

Starting point is 00:55:28 his nerves. Right. He got stage fright as well. Over the 11 years, he built it up to 80 milligrams a day of Valium. Yeah. Just because he had to. It's a horrendous addiction. Really bad, hard to equip.

Starting point is 00:55:38 And then he says that Freddie called these pills his jelly beans. Can we, does that? We don't know. There's no way of checking that, but it's kind of cool. Quote, Michael Parkinson said to me in an email recently he thought Freddy in his early days was one of the most spontaneous and creative funny man he'd ever interviewed. Just out of the blue. Just out of the blue and they have to talk about his volume addiction for a bit. Blah, blah, blah.

Starting point is 00:55:58 His doses became so high it warped his mind to the extent that he would behave unacceptably in front of people is what they people. It's a big paragraph about it. It's similar to being inebriated on alcohol, I think. You lose your inhibitions to some extent. And then right at the end he throws in a paragraph about how he thinks Freddy's spirit is now relieved that he is drug-free and in heaven and left behind his earthly sins. Look, if he went to heaven, you get everything you want in heaven, don't you?

Starting point is 00:56:23 So he's probably got heavenly Valium. He might do, yeah. Like on drip. He could be nothing but Valium. He can't die again. He can constantly be overdosing on Valium. Hanging out with Frankie Valium. Sarkoffa guy.

Starting point is 00:56:36 Right. Anyway. Sorry. Sorry. Can I just ask, did you check in your mind that Frankie Valli was dead before you made that joke? I did. I rolled the dice on that, frankly.

Starting point is 00:56:51 Thank you, I knew that. I've got the receipts. Shut up! The next chapter is called Freddy Goes Ballistic. And what basically this chapter boils down to is that sometime in the late 80s, early 90s, Malcolm allegedly introduced Freddy to a friend and that friend was a psychiatrist. When Freddie found out that he was a psychiatrist, he felt conned, went directly over to Malcolm's house, burst in through the door effectively and said, how fucking dare you? Oh, I'm never speaking to you again. And they never did for 25 years

Starting point is 00:57:19 and then Freddie died. Oh, that's it. So they were estranged. For 25 years. Until one day he gets a text message. And this is where it all gets bollocks. Okay, so you get this is this is after his first book, he gets a text message. So effectively, right, he says in the book, I didn't know how to put how to publish these messages. Should I rewrite them? Or should I? So what I've done is I've just taken a camera and photographed my phone with the text messages on. Screen grabs on the photograph. And some of it is almost fucking illegible to read because of the quality. Of course, it's a photograph and that book is so

Starting point is 00:57:55 terrible. So at least it's for charity. Even that though, even that is walking this moral line. So he's now speaking to Jane, this Jane Valentine, who I checked on Facebook and does exist and does run a clairvoyance and, you know, psychic bollock shop up North somewhere. And she's quite proud of being associated with this book because she just texted him out the blue. She says, ghost turned up. She has an experience with him, a vision,

Starting point is 00:58:18 and she writes it down. And then she got hold of Malcolm's number somehow and then got in touch and effectively says, do you know, Freddy Starr? That's the opening gambit because he's come to me. Chapter four, I cried. He said after his death in May 2019, Freddie Star's death in 2019, he was so sad and so guilt ridden by their last encounter because, you know, they broke up on bad terms. Because yeah. That he wouldn't even watch a single YouTube video of him for a whole year, which makes

Starting point is 00:58:43 you think what were you doing beforehand watching videos of Freddie Starr all the time every day on YouTube. He got a message from his friend, Jayme. They bumped into each other and after reading the message that she sent I was overcome with emotion. I'll give you a little quote of this. A man came to me yesterday in visitation. He made a somewhat semi-racist joke about an Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman and then relayed to me that he's come to meet Mr. Thorogood in which he jokingly said in the only way I could explain in a camp funny accent. So what he's saying is the joke, Freddie Star came to him, I'm Freddie Star. The Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman met this black guy in a pub and then went, oh where's Mr. Thorogood? And that was the opening

Starting point is 00:59:24 gambit. That was what Freddie said. All of their texts are badly written. I'm sure. Now, and so that also makes them more open for interpretation. Exactly. But you start to see he's throwing things back at her in response to say, yeah, I know Freddie Star, we best last met here and blah blah. Did he say this?

Starting point is 00:59:38 Did he say that? Does he know that guy? Does he from beyond the grave? But it's almost like he's trying to prove that he's Freddie Star by telling a joke that's like him, you know? Well, but here's the thing.'s trying to prove that he's Freddy Starr by telling a joke that's like him you know well but here's the thing both you and I are on the same stepping here we don't believe in ghosts we don't believe in psychics we don't believe in any of that stuff so just from a practical point of view Jane at some point probably found out through

Starting point is 00:59:56 circles that at some point Freddy Starr was Michael Thorogood's friend he shared about the book did a bit of research and sent him a text because you know she probably got a rough number whatever and went oh yeah and you are and there's a long game I think being played where she's exploiting him completely. Yeah and he's exploiting her to get a second book. Yeah it's everyone's giving each other a reach around. But I think he buys it whereas she you know mixing it all up but then the messages continue. Can I ask one thing? Was he camped, Freddy Starr? No but he did a lot of oh Ducky material every now and then. Yeah, that's what I mean, problematic stuff.

Starting point is 01:00:26 You know, we're going to get into where this goes. In fact, we're going to get into it right now. So Jane had no idea I'd ever known Freddy. And this is obvious from the text, because as you can see, she was explaining to me who Freddy was. I replied, telling her that I knew all too well who Freddy was. And then she talked about how she's confused because they seem incompatible as friends. explaining to me who Freddy was. I replied telling her that I knew all too well who Freddy was. And then she talked about how she's confused

Starting point is 01:00:47 because they seem incompatible as friends. So why would Freddy reach out and blah, blah, blah, whatever. She's basically thrown shades of gray so it doesn't feel like she's targeting him. It's effectively what it comes down to. Anyway, she goes on to say, the next few weeks may reveal why a comedian came with a message for you.

Starting point is 01:01:01 I called her straight away and told her Freddy and me had been best friends right out the gate. He's like, he's not holding his cards close to his chest. He's waiting to see what comes next. He's like, yeah, I got your message about who I am. Book number two. Oh, I love this line. Out of the blue, Jane said he had eyes like Jesus. I told Freddie, I told her that Freddie did have the most incredible eyes. Can you look at this picture and tell me if Freddie star's eyes look like the soulful eyes of Jesus Christ? No, they look like to be to quote here. Yeah piss holes in the snow

Starting point is 01:01:39 Don't they they're little piggy hooded. Yeah, they're not great eyes to be honest. Yeah, and also no one's seen Jesus's eyes No, even if you're a Christian, you haven't necessarily seen his. You've seen some interpretation slapped on the side of a fucking church. So what? Freddie Starr looks like some painting in a church. You know what I mean? It's just so... It's weird. It's a weird association to me. I love this bit of this little paragraph. I realised that a sceptic reading this could probably discredit my analysis, but to me there is absolutely no doubt that this was my friend Freddie communicating from

Starting point is 01:02:04 beyond the grave. And quite obviously a reason for him making contact was to indirectly apologize for storming off in a rage when I was trying to get him off Valium. There's this weird narcissism in it as well, isn't there? You know, that it's about he's at the center really. Malcolm's at the center, isn't it? Yeah, he's the unwitting protagonist in his own adventure, right? There's a real narcissist flavor to it.

Starting point is 01:02:24 Oh, Freddy looked at me, you came to me. And of course, Freddie was apologising. That's right. Yeah. Part of this is like, is he also closing the door on his grief and guilt and regret? Yeah. We just will see. But that's what I mean about narcissism, because a narcissistic trait is to completely all about how everything relates to you and how you interpret the world.

Starting point is 01:02:40 Yeah. Yeah. It's not the... So I don't think it's the grief, it's the sort of of it's the attention, you know. Next chapter is called Are There Radios in Heaven? The overall chapter breaks down into I was invited onto a local radio station, Malcolm was, to pick 12 songs and talk about my life. And at that point, I thought maybe I'll tell the story of Freddie Star there. And then he thinks to himself, Oh, no, better not. I better not do that. It means I shouldn't I shouldn't break the story here. Because he hasn't written the book yet. But then he sends a text to the psychic when the psychic messages him to say,

Starting point is 01:03:07 Freddy Starr, thanks you for not mentioning him on the radio show. Oh, fuck. And then says in the text, why was there no Elvis? Because then it goes into how Freddy was the best. And I quote. Oh, thank you very much. He asked about why I didn't pick an Elvis song, which I didn't realise, because he was probably regarded as the world's greatest Elvis Presley impersonator. That's he's just making crap up. He was not.

Starting point is 01:03:32 I mean, he did do it in his show, but he also did Hitler. No one said he was the best Hitler impressionist ever. He wasn't really a singer though, was he? I mean, he was, but he was not a good singer. And also he was doing when he did Elvis, he did it in a comedic way, wasn't it? It was a comedy act. It was almost shawaddiwaddi or muddesk, wasn't it? Yeah, but it was a comedy act. It wasn't like, you know, you get those Elvis impersonation, they're serious business. I bet you're on a cruise ship gig, he probably did a sincere Elvis at one point, I reckon.

Starting point is 01:03:57 Anyway, he then goes- He obviously worshipped him. And he goes on to basically close the chapter by saying, well, it looks like Freddie was listening in heaven to the radio show and got in touch and I was like, ghosts don't listen to the radio in heaven. They don't have the eye player. You know what I mean? Well, if they do, Paul, they definitely have Valium, smack, anything you fucking like. And you don't have to die from it. So what I will say is this, going through the rest of the book, it talks about the messages

Starting point is 01:04:20 back and forth between Jane and him. So there's a bit where the ghost comes to Jane and explains a tour around Liverpool because Freddie Star was brought up in the North and he's going over old ground and recounting his trips back to Liverpool because ghosts can be anywhere. How much of this money actually goes to the charity? All of it better go. Now, there's a chap though about called Freddie Sings to Jane, where Jane is visited by the ghost of Freddy, and then after he stepped in doing his impression of Frank Sinatra, Oh dear. He says to tell you to shut the fuck up and listen to my lullaby, and then began to sing My Way.

Starting point is 01:04:56 Oh. And then there's chapter nine called I'm So Very Very Sorry, where Freddy Star talks about how he's very very sorry for, you know, upsetting Malcolm back in the day. This is why I mean that's so narcissistic. where Freddie Star talks about how he's very, very sorry for upsetting Malcolm back in the day. That's so narcissistic! Then there's a whole chapter about regretting taking drugs and again, Freddie giggled with tears in his eyes. Such striking Jesus-like eyes. Again!

Starting point is 01:05:17 Again with the Jesus eyes. He's trying to start a new religion. But there's loads of stories like that. And then the book literally ends with him saying this, I say the midway point, the Freddy part of the book ends halfway through. Oh. Only the very first message was of benefit to me in him saying he recognised that I helped him, and therefore it relieved my regret that I never went to see him before he died.

Starting point is 01:05:40 Oh, he's letting it off. Everything's forgiven. Now, the back end of the book is literally him walking around the country with his wife and misconstruing perfectly natural things for supernatural adventures. Like he sees a piece of art in the woods that someone probably graffitied it or whatever. And he goes, maybe that was Freddy telling me that I should be here. Definitely Freddy. But what I want to end on... I see a cloud that looked like a whale. It was Freddy.

Starting point is 01:06:00 That cloud looks like Elvis's quiff. There's a lot of that. There's a lot of him misunderstanding perfectly normal things. But I want to end on this. Okay, cool. This story, again, it's pretty badly written. I'm going to do my very best. But this is called chapter six, I'm home. I'm just going to read it and let you judge.

Starting point is 01:06:15 And we're going to end with this. In the very first week of January 2021, Jane text me this. I know this sounds crazy, but Freddy came to me and he came with a friend Do you know God do you know who Bobby ball is? This is like a V's comment I was a little taken aback however Freddy started with a big beaming smile, something that it's cut out, and then it cuts to another bit of text where it says, then Bobby Ball in full stage outfit,

Starting point is 01:06:50 braces, black suit, white shirt, and jumped in and said, hi love, Freddy, shall I? And with the glitter in his blue, but perfectly brown, not blue eye. Jesus Christ eyes. You know what I mean? Freddy nodded.

Starting point is 01:07:03 They were giggling like school girls. Rock on Tommy, said Bobby, I'm home. All's well that ends well. Hey Freddie. Freddie put his arm around Bobby's shoulder and they all seemed to comfort each other yet still very beating each other up smiles and eyes shining from out of their faces. Whoa. Then again it's so badly written. Then Freddie counted a one, a two, a one, two, three. Are you lonesome tonight? And then they started dancing. The pair stood swaying, kicking up their legs, singing, start spreading the news. New York, New York. As they finished their performance of

Starting point is 01:07:39 sorts. New York, New York. With my dog barking in the background, I asked, what is the New York connection? Freddie was clapping along. Bobby was clapping merrily. He replied, you're not clapping hard enough. So made me clap more. And they started laughing. Tell Malcolm I love him and thank you. Do you love me too, Freddy?

Starting point is 01:07:56 Bobby jumped in in character, pretending to be a demanding child. And Freddy said, you know I do, Bobby. I'm glad they're getting on. Last little bit. They turned their backs to me. Freddy turned his head to me and acted camp, kissing Bobby on the cheek. And then they both winked at me.

Starting point is 01:08:12 They left with their arms across each other's shoulders and walked off slowly evaporating from my vision. Did Freddy know Bobby Ball? He's an awful double act. Freddy was only a little taller than Bobby. Two shorties. Bobby died of COVID. I saw it on the news. That's it. That's the whole message.

Starting point is 01:08:31 That's that fucking book. It's like a child. It's madness. It's like a child wrote it. He's so... It's madness is what it is. Do you know what? Cancer Research should not be publishing that stuff. That's what I'm thinking. But at the same... I'm sorry, it's good if it helps people, but... But we don't know what Freddy's surviving family members

Starting point is 01:08:54 think of this, if they even have an opinion. We can't back up Malcolm. Malcolm does all this charity work to be fair to raise money for charity. He helps people out. And I'm just gonna... I'm gonna pre face this by saying this is pretty dark but the accompanying image is shockingly funny. At the end of the book a woman

Starting point is 01:09:10 gets in touch with Malcolm and says I worked as a nurse in the hospital your child died of. I've since had some kids and they've all grown up to have horrible diseases that keep them in wheelchairs and she goes I've sent a picture of them for you to say thank you for your work. And this is the photograph that says simply at the bottom, Christmas 2021. Oh, no, it's three children watching telly in Wilchurch. That's it. And it says Christmas 2021. From behind, you can't see their faces. It's an incredibly depressing picture. So the whole fucking book is just...

Starting point is 01:09:43 And that's what? That was meant to be a heartwarming thing? I guess. I don't know. But then again it's that narcissism. It's like, because he wants to help people who have grieved and lost kids through cancer. But it's almost like, it's all this sort of reckoning, because it's like he thought that was a good story to include. Well, it's padding because the book does not... There's not enough Freddie in it. This is the whole thing. There's so much horrible, unbalanced morality throughout the book that one minute you go, this is madness, or this is sincere, or this is heartfelt, or this is crazy.

Starting point is 01:10:14 Yeah. But also there's this kind of tabloidy sort of ghoulish fixation on illness and death. It's like those magazines we stopped doing on the podcast because I found them too depressing. Isn't there a sort of flavour of that there as well? Yes. That's horrendous. Anyway, that was The Soul Must Go On, book two, you can buy it, presumably still from Cancer Charity Research.

Starting point is 01:10:32 Don't buy it. I mean, maybe buy it. Just donate to Cancer Research directly. Just buy the book and then put it in the bin maybe or something. Okay. Or make a podcast and get half an hour out of it. Anyway. Who's the cynical user here?

Starting point is 01:10:44 Suck offoff a guy. You are, you're exploiting Fred, dears, Fred and Star. I am absolutely part of the problem. Thecheapshow.co.uk, go there for everything. If you'd like to support us, which, you know, all up to you, we can go to patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show and those who do support us get access to podcasts, videos and magazines, behind the scenes stuff and all kinds of lovely things. And if you can't support us financially, remember spreading the word, retweeting, telling your

Starting point is 01:11:15 friends, giving us good reviews online is great. So that's the admin out of the way. Thank you. Just a bit you've got to get out of the way. It's lovely that you give through Patreon, but only give if you can. Only if you can. See you missed out your thing. I know that's true. You didn't say if you can, you said right? It's lovely that you give through Patreon, but only give if you can. Only if you can. See, you missed out your thing. I know, that's true. You didn't say if you can, you said, oh, that's up to you.

Starting point is 01:11:29 It was very dismissive. Well, I'm trying to mix it up, isn't it? You're being a bit dismissive. It's nearly 400 episodes, isn't it? You're being a bit uncaring this week. 400's coming, we've got to film it soon, we've got to do bits and bobs. I need you to be warmer, emotionally warmer towards me. Oooh.

Starting point is 01:11:41 Suck off, a guy! Now stop saying that now. All the magic is gone with that now. I've ruined it, haven't I? You have. Brrrr brrrr brrrr Oh no. Tell Gary...

Starting point is 01:11:51 It's Gary from Apollo. Oh, it's Gary, is it? He says, uh, my moment's past and uh, it's all, it's a bit passe. So I can't... No, bye Gary. Don't, no more calls. Alright, so that's this week's episode. Do you have anything you want to pimp? I don't, I pimp a noodle mate.

Starting point is 01:12:06 Yeah. Noodle content. We've got some of that planned for 400 as well. We certainly do, we've got the goods, it's a very special. Hello? Special noodle can. Oh, 8 out of 10 catch, yeah I was just, what? I was going to send you it.

Starting point is 01:12:17 Oh they don't want me for 8 out of 10, okay. Try the sarcophagi. Alright bye Gary. Don't try this. Sarcophagi. Is he gone? He's just tutting at me. Alright bye Gary. Sarkophagi. Is he gone? He's just tutting at me. Alright bye Gary. These Garys, you haven't got the receipts for them do you? I haven't got them,

Starting point is 01:12:30 not this week. Anything you want to wrap up with them? No, I'm fine. I'm sorry I was less funny. Still get tickets to the live show, the Cheerful Evil podcast, you can get them on our website, the G-Spoke. I know, I had to get important information out of you just because of your shit. Oh so it's, oh you're like Margaridge. What's it called? Hello, Oh Joe Rogan. Yeah, are you still want me? Yeah? Say goodbye. Goodbye everyone. Goodbye everyone. Thank you for listening. See you next week you

CheapShow - Ep 396: Freddie Starr Swallowed My Soul

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