CheapShow - Ep 4: Stuart Ashens Eats Sponch

Episode Date: June 22, 2015

Special Guest: Stuart Ashens! It was destined to be... CheapShow Vs Ashens! In our fabulous 4th episode, Paul and Eli put their guest through the following trials... Paul decides to update board games to make them edgier. Eli tells a tall tale about his sudden interest in Marine Biology... and time travel. Ashen is put through yet another bloody awful interview, tackling such topics as darkest thoughts, taxidermy ducks and dirty old hot dogs. Paul plays a game with Eli and Ashens that involves the world's deadliest toys. Find out what E.T's finger and a Dora the Explorer Aqua Pet have in common. Ashens and Paul find out a bit too much about Eli's hatred of the song "Old MacDonald Has A Farm" Ashens turns the tables and forced Eli and Paul to taste his own choice of terrible Candy. Eli brings "Sponch" into the world. Find out who is "A Poet of The Stupid" And finally bear witness to another of Eli's apocalyptic Top 3 discussions. This week, we tackle TOP 3 TOYS! ...and find out why, as a child, Paul's fingers smelled like they have been stuck up his bum... Watch an exclusive clip from the show on our "Cheap Show" YouTube channel www.youtube.com/watch?v=H_rtEatVfaA Listen, enjoy, download, subscribe to "The Geekatorium" Follow us on Twitter @thegeekatorium or @paulgannonshow or @elisnoid @thecheapshowpod & @ashens Visit our lovely website for more podcasts www.thecheapshow.co.uk and dates for future shows! If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, join us on Facebook - just look for "CheapShow"! If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, share, comment... all that jazz! Subscribe to us on Stitcher or iTunes and get weekly geeky fun WARNING *Show contains strong language and adult material

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to London's fragrant Camden Town. This is Cheap Show. My name's Eli Silverman, and here's your other host, it's Paul Gannon. Eli Silverman, and here's your other host, it's Paul Gannon. Hello. All right, well, the economy comedy podcast for your ears. My name is Paul Gannon, that is Eli Silverman, and we like to describe each other in the best way possible to get an idea of what we're like. So I'll begin. Eli Silverman, from the bogs of the primordial soup, crawled

a feral creature covered in fat, booze, and hair. He crawled out with the last energy he could muster, slid across the ground like a dirty fat snake, and figured out how to use rudimentary tools. Those tools crafted a house, and in that house he built himself A pub And in that pub he gave himself All the drinks he could With the bar snacks appropriate for said drink After that he fashioned himself A smock made out of the skins

Of all those who crossed him Those who died worshipped him He came from that venue tonight Dressed like a feral fucking monster To appease you tonight And that man has one name and that name is eli silverman right yeah good good use of the word feral i've used it twice three times three times you want to say it again? Feral. Just say it again. Feral. Unimaginative. Right, good.

Have you got one for me, then? Yes. Paul. Yes. Before time, there was an annoying essence around the universe. It coalesced

around a dark star, Ganon. Nice boot, there. Shut up. Eventually, after eons And visiting Giacomo For its clothes It became the planet Paul Gannon

A sentient planet Whose denizens Were all happy And all ate chewy gums Aren't this fascinating as anyone else where this is going to go. Eventually, the denizens became intelligent, and they built structures to their lord and planet god, Ganon. And these structures were massive phallic temples,

spurting black gold upon the many denizens. Have I said denizens already? All imaginative twat and and born from this was the Ganon he goes across the universe

slightly annoying his friends and that's Paul Ganon fucking so you're on form tonight thank you

yeah I thought that was pretty good. Nice. So do you want to know about my week? Okay. My week was good. I decided to invent some board games, mod them up for today's contemporary times. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, so I've got a few board games. I just want to run past you if that's all right. All right. All right, so one I've built is, it's a game for people who have an eating disorder and also think they've got every disease under the sun. What, they think they've got diseases? Yeah. And they've got every disease under the sun. What, they think they've got diseases?

Yeah. And they've got an eating disorder? Yeah. What's it called? It's called Hungry Hungry Hypos. The next one,

it's a little game where you've got to use tweezers on this Jimmy Savile cardboard cutout. Yeah. And you've got to take out things like, you know, Jim will fix it badge.

His gold chain. Without setting off, you know. The cigar is there. Yeah, without setting off the alarm. What's that called? That's called

Operation U-Tree. He likes it. That was my one. That's why I liked it. I know, yeah, fuck you. I've got another one as well where it's a point scoring game with dice,

but all the dice have swastikas on. And when you win, you shout, Nazi! And what's it called? Nazi. And finally, it's a Scouse murder mystery. Game, yeah, yeah. It's just called De Cluedo, Don't De Do. You didn't really invent those games, did you?

I didn't, no, they're all puns. Yeah. And not very good ones. But that's what my week was. What about your week? How was yours? Well, it's funny you should ask, because this week I had, on Monday, a bit of a religious epiphany. I was lying in bed.

Yeah. And this light was shining. Yeah. And it said, Eli. It was speaking. It said, Eli. Eli, speaking. It said, Eli. Eli, you've turned down the wrong road. You must now become what you wanted to be when you were a child, a marine biologist.

And so I enrolled in this marine biology course the next day. They said they're desperate for marine biologists. You know, with the whole world, all the world's oceans under threat they need people to to be marine biologists and you know i've got some a levels they said okay fine we'll fast track you okay so i did it did the whole course on wednesday and i'm going the whole four year course yeah they on wednesday they cram it now they've got techniques. It's an intensive course. Right. So I'm a qualified marine biologist now.

And then I went to the Seychelles. And I was swimming with dolphins and snorkelfish. Right. Snorkelfish. Yeah, snorkelfish. Durphins and snorkelfish. Listen, I don't need to explain it to you. I've got the knowledge.

Snorkelfish and durphins. Stand corrected. And so that was my week. Then I flew back and I'm writing a paper on the erosion of the biodiversity in the Bermuda Triangle area. Wow. And just to clarify, that all happened last week? No, it didn't. Right.

What did you do? I just sort of slept in, went to the call centre. Right. Got really depressed. Right. Cried in my booth, said something inappropriate to a lady at work, was asked to leave, got so drunk I vomited, then not much on the second day. That was just Monday.

That was Monday. Right. Also, the time travelling, did I tell you about that? No. No. I discovered a time travelling fish. Did you?, the time travelling. Did I tell you about that? No. No. I discovered a time travelling fish. Did you? Yes. Time travelling fish. You have to put it on your genitals

and then you can go through space and time. I'm beginning... It's called the Winkle Winkle Rotary Fish. I'm beginning to think this is just an excuse for you to stick fish on your cock. It is. Yeah, good.

Listen, but listen, mate. I'll tell you something. I don't need a fucking excuse to stick fish on my cock. That's unfortunate and horribly true. I've got four fish on my cock right now. They're cod. Cod are big. One's a tuna.

It might be a cod or a tuna. It's hard to tell. Have you quite finished being weird? What? You wanted me to fucking say something? Get on with the show. Get or a tuna. It's hard to tell. Have you quite finished being weird? What? You wanted me to fucking say something? Get on with the show. Get the guest on. All right.

All right. I will then. Eli Sylvan, everybody. Round of applause. Thank you, everyone. I honestly don't know if that's a diary entry or a suicide note. It's very close. Right.

So, welcome to the show, everybody. That's all set up. Now for our special guest. You may be aware of him off the internet. Is that where he lives? Yeah, he lives on the internet. Oh, yeah? He lives on a little planet called YouTubes. YouTubes?

On the internet. Oh, yeah? On the interwebs. And he is a denizen of that environment. What? He is. That word again. What denizen?

Tonight's episode is brought to you by the word denizen and feral. Yeah, good. And he's decided to grace our stage tonight with his presence. So please give all the applause you can with all the hands you've got on you to the amazing Aschins, everybody! Take a seat, sir. Yeah, you do the intro. Ashton, thanks for coming on the show tonight.

You're most welcome, Don. So, we do a little bit of interview. We're doing a little bit of an interview. I thought you were going to stop talking for a bit, Paul. Whilst you reconfigure the fucking software in your brain and mouth. I know, it's not working. I'm having a serious case of ganonisms today. Try turning it off and turning it back on.

Yeah, indeed. Let me just do that. Right. So. Wait, I'm rebooting. It's a laptop, so it takes a while. Java. It's a laptop, so it takes a while. Ba-dum. Java.

Is this some computer-based fucking humour? I don't know. It's the best I've got. Right, go on. Sorry, go on. Start again. Start the whole show again? No, from the top.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Unclickable. No, we'll do it properly. Okay, so thanks for coming on, Ash. And we... Thanks for not telling my agent I was doing it. No, don't worry. Don't worry. That's the noise of me bribing you. Is that the international sound of bribery?

I don't like the sound of your bribes. I don't want to accept this bribe. The international sound of bribery is... Yes. It is in my world. Thank you. So thanks for coming on. And we like to start off with our guest by having a little informal interview.

Are you okay with that? Okay. Yes. So we'll just have some questions, see what comes up. Okay. Paul, you want to go first? Yeah, sure. My first question is this.

What is the first thing you ever reviewed? The first thing I ever reviewed? Not for your website. I mean, just in general. Just in general. What was the first thing you ever reviewed. Not for your website. I mean, just in general. What was the first thing you had an opinion on? I think it was the doctor who delivered me in the hospital. And how did you rate your doctor? Very low.

He was short, he was bald, and he smelled funny. It was Eli! Eli was your doctor! Was he feral? Fuck off! He was a feral denizen, yeah. I think I've figured out what the title of the show is going to be called. I'm not bald.

I might be slightly thinning, but you... Slightly. Which is accentuated by me holding my hair back in a band. But you also have recedo. So this is not meant to be about us, Paul. It's not. But you ask your question, then. Okay, I've got a question.

I've got a question. Next question. So what's the worst thing that you've put in your mouth? That's a nice question. The answer is probably a 12-year-old hot dog. A 12-year-old hot dog. A 12-year-old tinned hot dog from Quicksave. The amazing thing is people aren't nauseated until you say Quicksave.

Yeah, that is the trigger. So 12 years ago, this hot dog was probably not suitable for human consumption to begin with. No. The ingredients, well, they spelled ingredients wrong on the tin, so that was a bad start. Did they? So the ingredients included beef, pork, chicken,

things that shouldn't be in a Frankfurter. Badger's beak. I don't know. Hen's cot. Pig's thought. Did it have powdered crow? Yes. Wouldn't surprise me.

Was this in brine of some sort? It was in brine, yeah. Did you heat up the dog? We did. We removed it from the brine, as you do with any 12-year-old hot dog, obviously. Yes. Plopped it into a nice saucepan full of boiling water, prayed to many gods,

cut it into small pieces, put small pieces in our mouths, and then really fucking regretted it. God. It was not good. It crumbled to a horrifying, rotten-tasting dust and coats your whole mouth with threat. God. It was not good. It crumbled to a horrifying rotten tasting dust and coats your whole mouth with threat.

Oh. But still better than Burger King. But only just. Your question, Paul. Right, next question. Okay, this is a personal favourite. What is your favourite hot meal? My favourite hot meal.

Horse. I can't argue with that. Okay, my one. That's a good, strong answer. That's the worst thing you put in your mouth. What's the worst thing you've been sent in the post? Oh, God. A taxidermied duck once.

That was unpleasant. It was a dead duckling. Fully on taxidermied, and it was most unpleasant. That sort of thing creeps me out, so I didn't want to be seeing that in a box. Probably the worst thing, though, was a pair of very realistic prosthetic latex feet. Human feet.

Are your fans serial killers? Yes. Because that's the kind of stuff I'd expect, like, John Doe from Seven to deliver to someone. Really disturbing. What's in the box? Return address Hannibal Lecter. Yeah.

It was not nice. I think the idea was to scare the shit out of me when I opened it, because obviously you don't realise it's fake. It's like, ah, body parts. And that kind of worked, actually, yeah. You've heard of worse? No? Not yet.

Oh, good. Your ears are not working. My ears aren't working, my brain isn't working, my eyes are failing me, and my penis is snapped. Is that really... You should have put a fish on it. I should have put a fish on it. You should. It's like Beyonce said, if you like it, then you should have put a fish on it. You should.

It's like Beyonce said, if you like it, then you should have put a fish on it. My question. Yeah. What's the worst thought you've ever had? This one. Elaborate. You don't want to know. I do.

I do want to know. I want to know what the dirt is. Don't. There's no... I want to know what the dirt is. Why do you want to go dark? I want to know what the dirt is. Don't. There's no... I want to know what the dirt is. Why do you want to go dark? I want to go with the worst thought. Well, because we've seen him put old dog in his mouth. No, we've not...

We've seen him... Hot dog. I would like to make that distinction. Hot dog. Oh, it might as well be dog, though. Unwrap. We've heard him unwrap some feet. And now I want to see inside his filthy fucking brain.

Right. So, this is slightly troubling me right now. What's the worst thought you've ever had? The darkest! The lowest! Go on! I don't know if I should say this, but I once considered seeing the Justin Bieber movie.

Oh, my! Interview's over. I was going to the Justin Bieber movie. Oh, my. All right. This interview's over. I was going to ask my last question. All right, go on. It's the last question. All right. My last question is, have you ever heard of Big Papa Hamster? Paul, no.

What? Not doing that. We don't talk about Big Papa Hamster. Mate, I've got to ask everyone because it can't just be me. The first rule of Big Papa Hamster is, do not talk about Big Papa Hamster. But I need to know, Paul. Seriously, I've got to... We've been over this, okay?

Yeah. Your imaginary paedophile rapping Big Papa Hamster friend... Yeah? ...is not real. Well, then you explain the three years of therapy I had to go through because of Big Papa Hamster and his nighttime calling. You invented Big Papa Hamster as a way of covering up your trauma. So you've not heard of Big Papa Hamster then?

No. Don't say, oh, it's a Big Papa Hamster. Seriously. Just make him angry. It's a running joke that's still failing to land episode by episode. So I'm going to move swiftly on. Move on. Just make him angry. It's a running joke that's still failing to land episode by episode. So I'm going to move swiftly on. Move on.

All right. In that case, the interview is over. You can now relax. We're going to play a little game now. Oh, yes. By all means, stretch out. It's a couch. You can do it. This isn't actually very comfortable.

My bad. Then maybe don't do that. Okay. So we're going to play a game. This game is called Naughty Toys. Right? The simple premise is this. I'm going to ask Eli and Ash, and you can all play as well if you think you know.

I'm going to give you a title of a toy. And all you've got to do is tell me what was wrong with it and maybe why it got recalled. Not all of these were recalled, but all of them were weird in some way. So are you ready? This is my specialist chosen subject. I also am ready. All right, good. Are you sure? Number one. The also am ready. Alright, good. Are you sure?

Number one. The Holiday Toy Mouse. What was wrong with the Holiday Toy Mouse, Eli? It came out on a weekday. It wasn't on holiday. It was just like an ordinary day. Everyone had to go to work. What you're saying

was the toy failed because of scheduling problems. Right. It's like, what the fuck's that? A holiday toy mouse? I've got to go to work. I'm not getting that for my kid. It's not his holiday. He'll think it's holiday.

And he'll pretend he's sick. Right. Ashton, what would you think is the problem with this? The problem was it was actually just Hitler with false whiskers painted on. No, it wasn't. Does anyone actually know in the audience what they think the problem with the holiday toy mouse was? If you squeeze it, it's spacked ink.

If you squeeze it, it's spacked ink. No, if it did that, it would have been better than what actually was the problem with it. The problem was this, I'll tell you. Due to dodgy recording quality inside the mouse, the speaker and the voice the guy put on made the words Jingle Bells actually sound more like the word pedophile. So it was a tiny little mouse that when you turned it on went, pedophile, pedophile. Sounds like Big Papa Hamster.

It's not Big Papa. Holiday Toy Mouse must know Big Papa Hamster. They must be best mates. There's something to this. You should buy up all the old stock. Yeah. Just buy some stickers.

Rebrand it. Big Papa Hamster. Peter Pyle. I don't know if that's going to be the best thing for me to do with my career. Well, I'll be honest with you. You do better than this.

Fucking hell. Right, good. Next one. Next one. The next toy on the list. Flubber. Eli. Why was Flubber taken off the shelves? Flubber was from that movie, right? It was based on that movie.

Did it contain naturally occurring psilocybin? I don't know words you said. Psilocybin is the active psychoactive ingredient in magic mushrooms. No. No, it didn't contain that. Again, that would have been much better than the actual answer. That would improve the holiday mouse. Take some flubber.

Watch the mouse. Watch the fucking mouse say paedophile. You have an epiphany. Become a marine biologist, maybe. Call back. Right, Ashton, what do you think was the problem with flubber? Do you know? I think the colorant in it stained children,

but it didn't stain their hands. It stained their souls. And it basically left them as soulless husks, as if they'd lived in Great Yarmouth for some time. Actually, what was the problem with it was Flubber caused rashes, skin complaints, and in some cases, children's hair would fall out. So still better than the film. Still better than the film still better

than the film and when they tried to burn it when they recalled it and they tried to burn it they couldn't they literally couldn't burn flubber and it sent tons of noxious smoke into the nearby town oh they were left with just this black charred mess that they couldn't kill whose job was it to say oh we've got all this goo to get rid of, lads. It's toxic. Let's burn it. That's not going to work, is it? It's not going to work at all. And in fact, I would have fed it to him. You would have eaten it.

Why? Because I'm feral? Yes. All right, next one. This toy is simply called Aquadots. I'll give you a little bit more information. It was a pen that when you squeezed it, laid little tiny dots that you could make into shapes and build structures with. So a little liquid pen thing.

So what do you think aqua dots, what was the problem with that? It only worked underwater. I'm struggling. I've had no time to prepare, guys. You don't have to prepare. It's a question. You wouldn't go on Mastermind.

I wanted to take something fucking funny. Of course you'd prepare if you're on Mastermind. Well, yeah. Yes, you would. What is your specialty subject? I don't know. I just thought of it. Queens or something.

Queens of England. Yeah. I haven't done any research. Don't know. Don't know. Pass. Pass. Pass.

Queen Victoria? No. Thank you. You passed on 18. Fuck's sake. The claps are building. They're building. Thank you.

All right, that was a lame answer. You couldn't use it underwater. Ashen's. All right, go on. What have you got for us? So this was a pen that you stick underwater. No, no, there was no water involved. Don't listen to that feral denizen.

It's called Aqueduct. Exactly! It's called Aqueduct because it was like a little liquidy stuff inside of that when you squeeze solidified into little dots that you could make patterns with and things. Imagine Light Bright, but without the board and the lights and the pegs and just... In fact, don't imagine Light Bright at all. It was a pen that gave out chunky beads. Oh, that's the best thing you've said all night.

Fuck you. So it's like a drug dealer and a pen? Yeah, if you want to think. Funnily enough, you're not... I'll let you answer before I tell you why that was surprisingly close. Don't tell me kids could get high off the aqua dots. You know what? I'm going to give you half a point for being anywhere near the postcode of that right answer.

The right answer is this. It was a little pen, and when you squirted it, little beads came out, right? Those beads could be easily swallowed. Kids, obviously being kids, swallowed a lot of those beads. Now, here's the problem. Kids would eat them and sometimes vomit. They were the lucky ones. The kids who didn't vomit fell into comas.

Holy shit! Wait, that's not even the horrible part of this story. It turns out the aqueducts were made of a chemical called GHP, which, when you metabolise, is a date-rate drug. So basically, these kids were falling into comas because they were eating date rape drugs and that for some reason, date rape drug is the hardest sentence I've said all night

so that was why it was a Japanese toy and taken off the shelves and burned and they couldn't burn it and it lived and it ran away here's a simple one for you what toy, here's the toy the toy was called Dora the Explorer Aquapet.

What do you think was... What's this aqua thing? Every toy that's got aqua in the title is toxic. Just those two. Okay, fine. Ashens, would you like to go first on this one? So, Dora the Explorer Aquapet. What do you think was wrong with it?

Now, it wasn't recalled, but it caused a bit of an outcry. So, what was it? What do you think was wrong with it? Now, it wasn't recalled, but it caused a bit of an outcry. So what was it? It was a little plastic toy with a kind of snow globe, a snow dome in it with Dora the Explorer. And you could press buttons and it would bounce around in the water. Right. Right.

That was it. I don't want to go too specifically because it gives the game away. Okay. This can't be as good as the date rape PEZ dispenser. No. What is, though, in this day and age? I'm going to say, if you press two

of the buttons together, Dora drowned in front of you in an incredibly realistic manner. And then her whole family comes around and weeps. Mourns.

God. She's from Latin America, so it's a large family. But it is. You wouldn't have enough food in the house, would you? No.

You couldn't deal with it. No, that is not the right answer. What have you got for us? It explodes and burns children's face off. So a thing full of water exploded and burnt their faces off. It's flammable water. It's flammable water.

The answer is simply this. The toy that it came in looked like a massive pink cock. It's kind of that simple. It was like a tube with Dora in, and then two big balls next to it with the buttons. And when you looked at it, it looked just like a great big dildo.

Dora shouldn't be exploring that. No, not at all. Not for a good few years. Although, keep that answer in mind when I ask you the next Ant question, which is, why did they recall the E.T. finger light? Now you can either answer it or let them imagine what the answer is

E.T. bone I'm going to ask Ashton's first what he thinks. So this is literally a light you stick on your finger so you can pretend you're going E.T fun heart. Basically, yeah. I reckon proctologists were using it as a light and not buying the expensive medical equipment.

And it caused a massive hole in the NHS budget. Come in. I think you're just imagining ghosts now, Eli. Imagining goats? No, ghosts. I always imagine ghosts. He's always imagining goats. That's why I would never ask him that question. You fool. No, unfortunately that is not the right answer. It was not a proctologist. No, ghosts. I always imagine goats. He's always imagining goats. That's why I would never ask him that question. You fool.

No, unfortunately, that is not the right answer. It was not a proctolic. Well, actually. Anyway, Eli, what do you think the problem with the E.T. finger light was? Kids stuck them up their arse to see if they glowed through their belly. No, they used it as a sex aid. E.T. Bone Poon mate

no go on now I've lost him with that one yeah you've lost him with that one can I say that again yes now that must be a unique sentence in the English language mustn't it what

E.T. Bone Poon I hate you so much so much no the answer was it burned your finger no it just looked like a big knob it did the answer was it looked like much. No, the answer was... It burned your finger. No. It just looked like a big knob.

It did. The answer was it looked like a massive cock. And the thing was, it was basically a whole big rubber pink finger with a light on the end. But when you saw it in the shops, it looked like a sex aid toy. And it wasn't popular with the kids,

but the mothers loved it. I joke, but there was one I'd left off the list because I thought everyone knew the answer to it. But there was another one, a Harry Potter Nimbus 2000... What's the thing I'm thinking of? Please stop doing that.

Oh, God. Broomstick. Thank you. Holy shit, I just did the wanky signal. Yeah, it was a giant broomstick with Harry Potter on, but it vibrated. A giant broomstick it was a giant broomstick with Harry Potter on, but it vibrated. A giant broomstick? Not a giant broomstick.

A giant plastic broomstick. How big was it? I mean, that looks pretty normal broomstick size to me. Well, I don't know the official... Why are you saying it was a giant broomstick? All right, it was a broomstick. Thank you.

You said giant in error there, didn't you? Yes, I did. All right, just wanted to point that out. It was a plastic broomstick that had a vibrating function to it. And the vibration function was where you just rest it against your groin area. And so it was pulled off the shelves, but a lot of mothers took their toy off their kids, allegedly,

to enjoy it for themselves. There you go. Quidditch was never so popular again. No, never. That might have been the best thing Harry Potter ever gave us. Okay. I know. Here you go. We've got a few more. Okay, this. That might have been the best thing Harry Potter ever gave us. Okay. I know it's... Alright, here you go. We've got a few more. Okay, this is a very quick one. This toy

is simply called Toypedo. What do you think, Eli, a Toypedo is? It's a sort of bike, right? As in pedalo, pedo... No, but I'm glad you went there with it and not the blatantly obvious suggestion you could have done

Oh, it's like some kind of nerf It's a torpedo It's a pun on that It is a torpedo, yeah But why do you think it got recalled? Because of the word pedo To be honest, yeah Okay, yeah

So that was a quick one, let's go Oh, I don't have to ask you No, yeah, it was a torpedo A little toy plastic torpedo That kids would fire from their mouth and eject across the room. And so the advert on the front said, lots of fun. The toy pedo to be fired directly from children's mouths. That was what it literally said in the box.

Okay, this might be a bit easy, but this is just what was wrong with this product. It's called Baby's First Baby. Ashen's, what do you think that toy was? Baby's First Baby. Yeah. So it's a baby having its first baby. You got it spot on. I reckon the problem was it was like a cube,

but all its corners were on the inside. And when you got two of them together, the non-Euclidean geometry caused reality itself to collapse. Let me just check that. No, that wasn't the right answer. Is it just because it's a fucking stupid concept? Yeah, it was literally a toy baby that was pregnant with another baby. But for added realism, the baby had water that would break.

Oh, wait. And the baby had stretch marks. I'm not going to surprise anyone by saying that was a Japanese toy. Oh yeah. Did the baby inside have another baby inside? Do you want to know an ancillary story to this?

The company that made this also had twins first twins. So it was a baby that gave birth to twins that gave birth to twins. Are you fucking kidding? No, it was a Russian nesting doll of inbred horror. It was the worst thing ever. Next one. Guess what this one's called, Eli.

This is for you. This toy was called Shave My Baby. So I have to guess what it was called? No, you have to guess what the toy was. Shave My Baby. It was a baby. Yeah. Filled with Play-Doh.

And all little holes on its head. You give it a squeeze, the Play-Doh comes out. And you trim it. You trim it with some blunt shaving instruments that they give you. No. No? No. Would you like to take a guess?

I've seen a picture of Shave My Baby. Yeah? It's a hairy doll. Yeah, it's simply that. It's a baby with hair all over it. It's a wolf baby. It's a wolf... That's fucking cool, man. If it was like you, where it was hairy

all over, then that would make sense. But no, it was a baby that just had hair here, arse crack, groin. That was where the hair was. Was this Japanese? And you had to use proper... No, I don't know. I'm going to take a guess and say yes. Yeah, let's just say it was and smear a whole nation. Last one on the list today

is... Now, this is obviously going to be obvious, so I want you to tell me why it was recalled. It's simply called Black Oreo Fun Barbie. Why do you think, Mr. Ashton's, the Black Oreo Fun Barbie was taken off the shelves? Spell Oreo for me.

As in the brand, O-R-I-O. O-R-I-O? What? O-R-E-O. How do you spell Oreo? As the cookies. I thought it was O-R-I-O. You fucking love them. You eat two sleeves at once. I do.

Mate, you once threatened me with violence if I so much as looked at your double-stuffed Oreos, which you spent 50p on because they were at fucking budgins. The point being is that you didn't switch them, right?

Yeah, you didn't even know how to spell them. So I won. Oreo is spelled R-O-R-I-O, isn't it? No, it fucking isn't. To the internet. No, we don't have to go to the internet.

All right. Look. Everyone tell him. O-R-I-E-O. Thank you. Old MacDonald had a farm. Awesome. Fuck off.

I don't like that song. I didn't play it for your benefit. Well, don't say that song around me. Old MacDonald had a farm. Do you know how many times I had to fucking endure that, Paul, as a child growing up? Two. A lot. They'd say, Old MacDonald had a farm, Eli, Eli, oh.

Eli, Eli, oh. Did you have a fucking song that was based on some kind of very popular kid's song? Your name? Was there a song old old mr gannon lives in a house gannon gannon gannon paul paul paul paul paul paul paul paul did you that was pepsi and shirley's song that was peps and Shirley. No. Okay, so don't mention that song. Let's move on. Come on. As my name is Gannon,

some people do have a habit of, you know, that advert for yoghurt. They go, ooh, Gannon. Wow. So, okay, we went off the topic. Black Oreo Fun Barbie. What was wrong with it? I'm going to change my name to Eli Yoplait.

What's that mean? Oh, you know what? Are you calling me out? I'm very to change my name to Eli Yoplait. What's that mean? Oh, you know what? Why are you calling me up? I'm very cultured. I could have been offensive, but I just did a raspberry. Oh, fucking hell. All right, okay, let's get this last toy out of the way. Black Oreo Fun Barbie.

What was wrong with it? Is it the hideous racial implications? Basically, yes. The reason why it was taken off the shelves is that in America, if you call a black person an Oreo, it means a black person who wants to pretend

they're a white person. They're white on the inside and black on the outside. Yeah, and they're black on the outside. The opposite of Tim Westwood. Yeah, pretty much. Exactly that, in fact.

The point being is that, yeah, it was a horrible slur. If you walked into Toys R Us and you wanted to give your child a really kind of enthusiastic, positive, role model type toy. Maybe don't get her a black Barbie

that paints the idea that all black people should really be white on the inside. And so it was taken off the shelves post-haste. Post-haste. And I think when I pull the scores, the winner is Ashton's because he's our guest and you were very mean to me. Oh, I'm sorry. So round of

applause for Ashton's for winning that competition. All right. It's this part of the show where Eli now rustles through his box of vinyl. Why do you collect this wicked vinyl?

Tell us more. Wicked vinyl. Wicked vinyl. It's wicked. It's wicked. Well, I collect it because it's cheap. Good night.

What else do you want me to fucking say? I love it. I love vinyl. All right, Eli collects vinyl. He collects great vinyl. He collects awful vinyl. Tonight he brings along his awful vinyl. So what selection have you chosen tonight?

Well, it's My Old Man's Dustman by Lonnie Donegan. Right, and why did you pick this? And you might think, oh, that's quite a cute old tune. You haven't fucking heard it recently. It's got some of the worst gags ever. Like dad gags times 100. Right, so there's 100 dad gags in it. No, to the power of 100.

So there's a million. Oh, is it? I don't know. What's one to the power of 100? I don't know. It's one. It's one. It's not 100? I don't know. It's one. It's one. It's not a million, so no.

It's got one dad gag on it. Your maths is lame. And my speech, hearing, eyesight, and brain capacity. I think we've all established I'm a little bit... tonight. Yes, you are a little bit. I'm a little bit... So, you're going to play?

I'm going to go over there and play it. Are you going to cover? Yes, I'm going to cover. Ashton, so you could take part in the cover. It's fine, we'll beatbox. It'll be great. So, Lonnie Donegan, was he a comedian? I'm going to go over there and play it. Are you going to cover? Yes, I'm going to cover. Ashton, so you could take part in the covering. It's fine, we'll beatbox. It'll be great. So, Lonnie Donegan, was he a comedian? I don't know.

Anyway, Eli, sorry. Are you ready? I'm ready. All right, in that case, put your ears forward and listen to Lonnie Donegan and My Old Man's a Dustman. Here's a little story To tell it is a must. It's very nice.

About an unsung hero that moves away a dust. Some people make a fortune. Others earn a mint. Should we all sing along? No, he starts in a bit. My old man don't earn Is this recorded live? I can hear murmurs.

I think it is, and they'd laugh it up. He's flipping. Skint. Yeah, they're fucking loving it. Oh, my old man's a dustman. He wears a dustman's hat. He wears gold-blinded trousers and he lives in a council flat. He looks a proper nana. He's got nail boots. Hoorah!

This is fucking wicked. Look at the step. Now one old man got nasty and to the council row. Next time my old man went round there, he punched him up the throat. Oh, my old man's a dustman. He wears a dustman's jacket. He wears got-binded trousers and he lives in a council flat. I say, I say, Les. Yeah?

I, uh, I found a police dog in my dustbin. Well, how do you know he's a police dog? He had a policeman with him. Yeah, that's pretty shit. Though my old man's a dustman, he's got an heart of gold. He got married recently, though he's 86 years old. We said, yeah, hang on, Dad, you're getting past your prime. He said, well, when you get my age, it helps to pass the time.

My old man's a dustman. One more joke and then I'll burn the vinyl. He wears gold-blinded trousers and he lives in a council. I say, I say, I say. My dustbin's full of lilies. Well, throw them away then. I can't. Lily's wearing them.

Stop. Now and they won't. Please stop. What the fuck was that last joke? My dustbin's full of lilies. Then throw them out. I can't. Lily's wearing them.

That's the closest you could get to mentioning underwear. Is that what that means? Lilies. They belong to Lily and we can't say what they are, so therefore they are unmentionable and they must be used tampons. I mean knickers. Right. No, no, no, and they must be used tampons. I mean, knickers. Right. No, no, no, no, no more.

No more. No. No more. Are you quite finished? So, what was your favourite joke from that, then? Was it, I say, I say, I say, my dog's got no nose. How does it smell? It can't.

It's got no nose. That wasn't the joke. No? That would have been better. It would have been better. Well, it wouldn't have been, my dog's got no nose. How does it smell? It can't. It's got no nose. That wasn't the joke. No? That would have been better. It would have been better. Well, it wouldn't have been better. He's a police dog. How do you know he's a police dog?

He's with a policeman. All right, let's come up with some Lonnie Donegan jokes right now. I say, I say, I say, my door is a triangle. Oh, yeah? And? That's it. That'll do. What do you call an alligator wearing a shirt? And... That's it. That'll do. I say...

What do you call an alligator wearing a shirt? Go on. An investigator. Second! The second applause break! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Fucking feel it!

Feel! I killed the fish. Yeah. Why has Bugs Bunny got long ears? I don't know. Because he's a fucking rabbit. Do you have any bad gags or would you like to retain your dignity? I don't think I can match that.

Fair enough. In that case, let's move on to the next part of the show. Now, this part of the show is called The Price of Shite. What happens is Eli and I... I think the premise explains itself. The Price of Shite is a little game we play where one of us goes to a charity shop, buys a few items,

and then we have to price up what we thought the stash was worth. Today, it's Eli's turn. So, Eli, I'm going to hold it over to you. What is The Price of Shite tonight? Now, I want to know. There's two. We want to know the full price. The full price? Of the whole... No, you want to guess the price of each item.

Okay, so first we've got this. What is it? Because the audience... Describe this, Ashton. This is a jelly mould used for the making of shitty desserts that make you wish you'd never gone to visit your grandmother. What's it made of? It's a nice Madonna

breasticle type coverage. It's quite a complicated arrangement of mould. You've got two tiers of these cylindrical shapes and then a disc and then on top of that you've got like a flower motif

and it's got a little handle to make it easier to knock the jelly out once it's set could even be used for a small blancmange very controversial it's versatile does that increase its price though no because it's nobody can spell blancmange and also the color colour is very depressing in that sort of grandma's house way isn't it? It's kind of that beige

Early plastic 70s Yeah that 70s plastic kill yourself colour Yeah It is Which attracted me to it It's like the beigest of beige Yes Beyond beige

They were all melted down and used to make cases for gateway PCs in the 90s Is it plastic or ceramic? It's plastic. That's going to be a lesser value. And also, I didn't know this, but it's quite grimy. Which kind of adds to the authenticity, I think.

It's grimy, old. Do you think it came in a whole set of accoutrements made in the same plastic? Probably. Maybe it was a set of different sized jelly moulds, one bigger than the next. Well, how much bigger do you want a fucking jelly? I want the biggest jelly in the world.

I want a jelly so big I can live in it. With two floors. And an outhouse. What's the outhouse made of? Oreos? Yeah. You could put a fucking sign up and misspell it, couldn't you? Right.

I can't believe it. You must have seen that word literally hundreds of thousands of times, you know? I'm pretty sure I copied it off the internet properly. Okay, so that's our first item. So that's the right thing to do, copy it off the internet. Well, that's all I've been taught, ever. Okay, so it's a jelly mould. I don't know.

You'd only feed if you had two grandkids. You'd only feed them... One jelly? Yeah. I mean, that would only... It's like, oh, there's jelly, yay! And then you'd be like, oh, it's not very big, is it, Gran?

And then what? Well, I'm disappointed. Yeah, I get half of that. Fucking hell, it's gone in a second. And you should probably put those awful bits of fruit in it. Oh, I hate that. I hate that. I hate disappointed. Yeah, I'll get half of that. Fucking hell, it's gone in a second. And you should probably put those awful bits of fruit in it. Oh, I hate that. I hate that. You know what I'd prefer?

Booze. Yeah, well, obviously, yeah. That's a given. But if you just get the blocks of jelly, just eat those. That was nice, wasn't it? You know what I'm talking about. The only time it had any flavour. You know what I mean?

You just get the blocks raw. Right. You just get the blocks eaten. Fat as mould. Seriously. And then drink some water and sit in the fridge for two hours. And then you go Mr Wobble. Mate, you can't tell me off for calling you feral when you talk like that.

What? I like sitting in my pants and eating jelly out the box. That's feral behaviour. It's not feral. Anyway, can we just price it, please? Yes, you can price it. I'll let Ashen start, because he's an expert on such things. What sort of shop did you get it from? A charity shop.

It is second-hand, believe it or not. You didn't go straight to the manufacturers. Whereabouts was this charity shop? In Haringey in North London. Okay, I'm going to guess it'll be slightly inflated as a result of that. So I'm going to say 30 pence. Okay. And Paul?

That's a high number. You know what? It's a good piece. It's a classic textbook kind of jelly mould. 50? No, don't help him. The people on the telly do this when they ask for prices.

You've got to make your own mind up, Paul. I'm going to go for 75p. You're a madman, Gannon. Okay, next piece. Next piece. Moving on. So just for the record, Ashton said 30p, you said 75. I'm going to model this.

Oh. Item number two is what? Oh my god, I've never wanted you more. It's a little bracelet and it has all of the members of One Direction on it and their names. How's that? Is that fucking neat or what?

No. Yeah, it is tragic. There's Harry. Oh. Give, it is tragic. In fact, that is what you just said. There's Harry. Give him a little kiss. Don't kiss Harry Styles. What about Niall? Which one's Niall? Oh, he's fucking ugly, isn't he? Did you hear about what happened to

Harry Styles recently as well? No, he didn't get a fucking fish in his cock. That would have been awesome. These guys, they're on my fucking side. Fish on the dick! Fish on the dick! Fish on the dick. No. Fish on the dick's

my new catchphrase. No. Hi everyone, I'm Eli Silver. We've got fish on the dick. What happened, Paul? Sorry, I'm hogging. I'm hogging.

Oh my God. He has, does he? Does Harry Styles have four nipples? Do you know that from personal experience? Oh.

I'm getting bombarded by random weird facts from the audience. I'm beginning to think reality's folding on itself. No. The story goes that he went to a party a week or so ago and he got drunk and the next day the police were following him so he was driving a little bit erratically and he was hungover and he got out the car on the motorway

and threw up. You think, oh poor Harry Styles. Until the next day his fans went to the place he was sick and put up. And you think, oh, poor Harry Styles. Until the next day, his fans went to the place he was sick and put up a shrine. And so, a big sign saying Harry Styles was sick here

and there were flowers. You know like when people have a road accident and they put flowers up and pictures of the dead person. That's what they did to Harry Styles. The world has gone too far.

It's a sick year while we live in. On the plus side, Harry Styles' puke tribute shrine is a great name for a black metal band. Okay, so there it is. There's your item.

Not an antique. It's not, no. This is brand new. But the build quality is quite sturdy. Well, let Ashton's have a look. Let's see what he thinks. Give it to an expert. Right, so I can use this to identify Lewis ID, 1D, Harry, 1D, Id.

It's Zane's Id. My God, it's a psychological bracelet. Half the stickers are coming off. They all look like pallid freaks. Do you know what you could use that for? If you were a Terminator, set from the future to exterminate One Direction, that'd be handy, wouldn't it? You look at it. To be fair, you'd be making your robots badly if they couldn't remember a single face.

I'm going to make the biggest, most powerful cyborg known to man, but I won't give him facial recognition technology. Well, maybe his brain banks are filled up with how to kill people. Yeah, but if the killing people is one direction, surely that'd be the first thing you program into it. No, you just give him a bracelet. Oh, you... Fucking saves you money. You know how much these coders cost per hour?

Fucking hell. Right. Go down a charity shop. There you go. Those are your targets. Don't lose that. I honestly think I'm going to have a stroke. Okay, so we won a price. We won a price now

on that. I'm wondering if they're going to have put a premium on it because of the popularity of One Direction, or is it just grannies who haven't got a fucking clue who they are? Same shop. I'm going to go for 25 pence. Ooh.

25 pence. And Paul, let's have a look at it. It's a little... I don't know if the build quality is all that good. I think with a good hard tug, that would come apart with my hand. And I would have Harry Styles all over my belly. Oh, God. Is it a wank joke? Did a wank joke creep out from between your lips? Yes.

Yes, okay. So, I don't know. The stickers are pretty awful. It's a piece of shit. Girls will buy it anyway. That's why it's called Price and Shite. Yes, well played. I I don't know. The stickers are pretty awful. It's a piece of shit. Girls will buy it anyway. That's why it's called Price is Right. Yes, well played. I am going to go...

You know what? I reckon, because they know they can sell this to misinformed, idiot children, ladies, or girls. That's the word you're looking for. That's what I was fishing for. Those tiny women. What are those tiny women called? What are those small lady things?

What's the word? What's lady things? What's the word? What's the word? What's the word? Right. I'm going to say they could probably get away thinking they could... I'm going to say 50p. 50p from Gannon. What did you say?

Just to recap. I said 25. So to recap, the jelly mould, Ashton said 30p. Paul, you said 75, right? Yeah. And then the bracelet, 25p from Ashton's. And you said said 30p. Paul, you said 75, right? Yeah. And then the bracelet 25p from Ashens and you said? 50p.

50p. Okay. This is high stakes. Now the last item. This is the, I've saved the glamorous item for last. Look at this. Ooh. For those listening at home, Eli, what are we looking at? This is a beautifully rendered

print in a fetching pink frame, A4 size, and it depicts a teddy bear riding a hobby horse. And the artist NJ Boovey. Really? Yes. I. Bouvier. Really? Yes. I bought his other print. The cat atop a cow print he brought out. Are they toy?

Is it a toy cat? No, it was a plate. Oh, it was a plate, was it? Yeah, it was a plate with a cat. So this is it. And they've got a funny, murderous look in their eye, these creatures, don't they? They've got a funny, murderous look in their eye, these creatures, don't they? They've both got exactly the same eyes,

making you think they're some kind of weird, inbred mutant family. So do you think the teddy bear's growing out of the horse's neck? Yeah, it's some kind of creature. Who's operating this? There's some operator down here to the bottom left who's got that. It's just something from the thing at the bottom screeching as it grows out of it. There's some kind of creature from beyond time here operating it in the kid's bedroom. No, there you have it.

Where did you get that from? I got this from a different charity shop, also in Haringey. Funny story. There was no price tag on it, so I had to take it out, pick it out, take it up to the front and speak to the proprietor. This is the saddest story already I've ever heard. And I said, what's the price on that, mate? And do you know what he said?

Fuck off out my shop? No. He said, oh, it's very expensive because that's a very unusual subject. Yeah. That's what he said. That's the story. Are you sure you didn't go to the Saatchi Gallery? No, not the Saatchi Gallery.

He said, yeah, that's going to cost you a lot because you don't usually get pictures depicting a teddy bear riding a hobby horse. No, you don't. It's very abstract. And so, yeah. Okay, so it's very expensive you've let that slip did you haggle with him I didn't haggle you didn't have to tell me the price

but did you haggle no the price down I think he was joking Paul when he said it's very expensive this is obviously a piece of fucking shit

I mean well everyone gets that don't they I mean you but maybe there's something also about that colour pink it really goes you know I've colour matched's something also about that colour of pink. It really goes...

I've colour matched these. Look at that. That's really depressing. You put those two colours together, the pink of the picture frame and the... You know what it looks like? It looks like Granny's house.

It is Granny's house. The last remnants of a child who died young and the mother refused to change the bed. You know, one of those bedroom kind of stories. And everything's faded

and old and 80s. Yeah, it's horrible, isn't it? And there's still wallpaper on the wall that has grey and black stripes at a diagonal angle. These staring creatures. They're dead.

They're animated. They're dead creatures staring. They were never alive. They were never alive. They're dead forever. Anyway. I can smell,

I can smell the teddy bear's dead fur. It's dusty fur as it rides forever on the hobby horse. The demon hobby horse. Oh, God. I reckon he's called Shelby.

Because he's got a little S on the button on the ribbon. That's how I've... So, Ashton, what's your price? What's your price on that piece of shite? I got whiplash from that. It's like, oh, how depressing. Dark story. What's the price? Is that N Bouvier or M Bouvier?

It is NJ Bouvier. Bouvier. Because M Bouvier would be Marge from The Simpsons. Oh, yes. Yes. Because that is a main thing. And that would really put the price up, I think. Yeah, it would. If it had been painted by a fictional character, yes, from a long-running sitcom.

That's the first thing you look for, yeah. Yeah. Well, it's filthy. It's shit. Looks like it might give you tetanus if you were to actually run your finger over it. I'm going to guess 50 pence. 50p?

Oh. Paul? See, that, I don't know. Don't be so ridiculous. £2.50. You're full of crazy talk. Right. You're brimming with folly nonsense.

Hang on, do you think it's an auction? Are you trying to buy it? No, no. If you like it. No, this is not cash in the footing. No, no, no. Maybe it is. It's not.

No, maybe it is. Shut up, Paul. If you like it, you can get me a drink and that's yours, all right? Double vodka. That's the fucking price of shite. Double vodka for Eli's neck hole. No? Yes.

Okay. What's your fucking price, Paul? Let's wrap this segment up. It's overrunning. Wrap it up. Burn it. Choke on the noxious fumes. I'm going to say, looking at it, it's a horrible piece.

I'm going to go with a pound. I'm going to say it's a pound. One pound. Okay. So we've got the prices are in. The prices are in. And this is the way it scores. You get one point for each individual item that you're closest to.

Yes. Right. Two points. If you spot point for each individual item that you're closest to. Yes. Right. Two points. If you spot on. If it's an extra point if you spot on. Right. So two points

for each possible item and then three points for the overall. Right. Okay. Does everyone remember that? I just made it up. Okay.

So even if I get all three wrong but they match up to the right price overall I still can get three points. That is the stupidest logic in the world and I love it. Yeah.

All right. Good. This is good. This is good now. Yeah. I like can get three points. That is the stupidest logic in the world and I love it. Alright, good. This is good. This is good now, yeah. I like it. Okay, so, just to recap. Alright, let's go to the first item. Alright? Yeah. Now, Ashton, you said 30 points. I did.

Paul? I said 75. Paul gets two points. It was 75p? I said 75. Paul gets two points. It was 75p. Is that 75p? You guessed. You're in the lead, Paul. You're in the lead. I'm very proud of myself.

Moving on to the second item. It is the One Direction bracelet. All the members there, very useful for badly programmed robots from the future to hunt them down. Got it. Yeah. Okay.

So, Ashton, you were 30. I said 50. And you said 50. Yeah. You said 75. You, sir, are not playing the game, but you would be right. It is 75. Oh.

So who's closest? You're equidistant, aren't you? I reckon we can share the point. Okay, you've got two and a half. You're on half a point, Ashton. You've got two and a half. So far. Last item. It is the hobby horse bear combo from hell.

Right. It's a practical item. It is. You could put that in your toilet. Yeah, you could. You've got a stain on your toilet wall. It's a practical item. It is. You could put that in your toilet. Yeah, you could. You've got a stain on your toilet wall. It's lovely. I'd like to look at that whilst I was pooing. It'd be great.

Think about the adventures. You could make up a little adventure they'd get up to. I don't want to know about anything. Hello, I'm on my hobby horse. Can you just give us the goddamn price? No. What was your price? 50p.

Yes. And what was yours? I went crazy and I said a pound. was your price? 50p. Yes. And what was yours? I went crazy and I said a pound. The actual price? Two pounds. Whoa. What?

It's got glass. It's got a frame. It's workable. Two pounds. Even I thought I was talking shit when I said a quid. So, you're closer, right?

Yeah. So you get a point for that. Yeah. Your London charity shops are a hive of rip-off evil. Welcome to London. Okay, and then what's your combined? 75, you said?

75. 50? 50. So that's £2.25 altogether. No. Yeah, one quid. Oh, yeah, £2.25 altogether. And what was your combined price?

That's a good question, and I'm glad you asked. And watch me stall for time. You said 30, 25. That was it. 55 plus one pound and five points. And what was yours? Two pound 25. You get the extra three points.

Yay! Paul's the winner. Now, don't be disappointed about this, Ashton, because he has played before, and he knows, obviously, the local area. Also, he donated them all, didn't he? Yes. I bought every single item and rigged it from the start.

I didn't. In Norwich, they would go for a lot less, would they? That would go in the bin. The charity shops in Norwich have what they call standards. Okay, if anyone's interested in any of these items, for real, there's something horribly wrong with you. That's the price of shine. That went all right, didn't it?

Yay! Right. Second, the penultimate part of the show. This is the part of the show we like to call Cheap Eats. Every single episode, what we like to do is buy knock-off products to feed Eli. Because basically, if you can't afford the name brand cereal, the name brand chocolate bars, the name brand crisps, we get the knock-off versions. We thought what we'd do is, because we've got Ashen's here today, we'd relinquish control of this section to your good self and see if you brought along any nasty foodstuffs for us to suffer through.

You forgot to bring any food, didn't you, Paul? Yes. Excellent. Good. I have indeed. I have some stuff from the land didn't you, Paul? Yes. Excellent. Good. I have indeed. I have some stuff from the land of Canada. From Canada? Oh.

What we have here, I am reliably informed, is the stuff you didn't want to get in your trick-or-treat bag if you were Canadian. Oh. Or indeed still are Canadian, as I believe being Canadian is not a transitory state. I don't think it... No. I don't think it washes off. We begin with

molasses kisses. What? If you prefer the French, tire et la molasse. Ooh. So not only are we eating something, but we're learning another language. To give you a description of it,

imagine some sort of by-product of making nice sweets that should have gone in the bin. Yeah. These are crap. They basically taste of cheap... Say cheap coffee. Cheap toffee and soap.

Right. I am looking forward to this. We're going to try it, and then afterwards we give some to the audience. Oh, yes. We've got plenty here to annoy everybody. I'm not going to have one, because I've had one before,

and it gums your mouth up a treat, so I'll have to keep talking while you try it. Okay, ready? What do you think of the smell? Not good. The smell... The smell reminds... This is not even me taking the piss. It reminds me of my grandad's ashtray. That's what this smells of. It's like when I went to my grandad's smoking room, he had an ashtray

and... Oh my god, it's like I'm being... I'm there now. Don't touch me, big papa! I'm smoking it! Sorry? Your grandad had a whole room for smoking it. How rich was he? He just had the room he kept his wife out of. I think that's what it came down to.

I'm going to go for it. Here we go. Oh, he's only had a little bit. He's quite disappointed. I'm looking forward to it sticking in the beard later. That's going to be the best bit. That's not nice. It's genuinely not nice. That's not nice. No. It's genuinely not nice.

It's not nice. It's seven years old again. No. No. This is all within date. Oh, thank God for that. I should have asked that question before I ate some, but don't worry about that. It's got a little flavour behind the sweetness, doesn't it?

Yeah. Cigarettes. Yeah. That is the soapy, unpleasant taste of molasses. soapy, you're right, absolutely right. There's a soapiness.

It's weird. I don't like it, but I am still eating it and I don't know why. Who wants one? Who wants one of these? They are not very nice. We have many.

All right, let's dish them out. I'll dish them out. All right. Anyone wants one of these soapy molasses kisses? Soapy molasses kisses would be another

great band name. Who wants one of these soapy molasses kisses? Soapy molasses kisses would be another great band name. Who wants one? Oh, it's like panto now. Ready? Get out. Start on the right. At the back. At the back.

No depth perception because it's too dark. There you go. Good catch. Okay. And let's get some Vox Pops reactions from the crowd. I don't know what would compel me to throw the whole thing in my mouth and eat it. I'm regretting every bite. All right.

Okay, you, sir, you're close here. What's your name? Noah. And Noah, what's your summing up on the molasses kiss? Have you ever stroked a dog the wrong way? Like that in your mouth. I want to know what you mean by the wrong way. It's like stroking...

You stroked a dog so it didn't like it. It's like stroking a dog the wrong way in your mouth. Very good. What's your name, sir? Ron, what do you make of the sweet? It tastes kind of like how Firework Night smells. Ooh, that's a very poetic way of using it. I think you may have synthonesia, actually,

where you get all your things mixed up. Oh. No, it's not nice, is it? Something's happened. Oh, dear. I've swallowed it, and I don't think it wanted to be swallowed. Who else has something?

Oh, dear. Who else? Oh, God. It's coating. I'm getting the mouth coating thing now. I only had half of one. It's just not dying. It's like, it's not, it's just staying the same.

It's Lazarus toffee. So, who else? What about you, madam? I don't think it was that bad. She didn't think it was that bad. I didn't think it was nice, but I didn't think it was awful. You've eaten worse things. Now, should we follow this line of inquiry? I think we need to bail

on that one very quickly. Yeah, we're going to bail on that because you look like a nice lady and this goes out as a podcast and a couple of hundred people might decide you're not worth hanging out with. Yeah, we're going to bail on that because you look like a nice lady and this goes out as a podcast and a couple of hundred people might decide you're not worth hanging out with. So, yeah. Which is how it's made. Okay, so it's regurgi... Regurgi-toffee.

It's regurgi-toffee. Anyone else got... What did you sing, madam? I don't know. Oh, it wasn't that bad. It wasn't that bad. No one wants to listen to that. Come on.

Tart it up a bit, your response. I like it. He likes it. I don't know if that was tarting it up, but fine. So this side of the room liked it. Oh, hang on. Sorry. I did see the gentleman at the side.

How are you? How are you? Have you got a bin? Have I got a bin? Well, you can use this plastic bag. We have got a spit bag. We must have a spit thing. We're all friends here.

On my chest. Why did I say that? I don't know. I have got to stop just unfiltering the words out of my mouth and just hoping that they land somewhere successful. Unfiltering the words out of your mouth? What on fuck's name are you talking about, man? Right.

We've established my graph. Unfilter some words out. Yeah, everyone says that. That's real language. Yeah. That's real some words out. Yeah, everyone says that. That's real language. Yeah. That's real English you're using there, Paul. Could.

So, Ashton's, I think we're done with that one. What's next on our Cheap Eats tonight? Well, this is a chewing gum called Thrills. Ooh. There's nothing more thrilling than chewing something. It also says peanut free, and I wish they'd put some fucking peanuts in it, frankly. Eli, just read the, this is not a fake or joke product. This is actually a thing sold in Canada.

Read the tagline under thrills. Thrills. It's. Oh, I look forward to this. Sorry. Thrills. It still tastes like soap. What?

Exclamation mark. It still tastes like soap. But that implies... Is this like, did they have a Coke, Coke, Coca-Cola moment where they go, New Coke! And everyone hated it. And they had to go, oh, you know, we've turned it back. Coke classic. Is this Thrilled's classic?

No, I think it sounds like an apology. We're like, we're sorry, we tried, but it still tastes like soap. That's what was missing off the front of it. I think this is what they call an acquired taste. I'm intrigued now. Let's have a crack at this. They also put it in high security packaging as if it's some sort of medication. That makes sense.

It's a cobalt bluish kind of colour. More of a purple. It's a bit of a purple. Yeah, so also correcting my language and my vision today. So carry on a purple. It's a bit of a purple. Yeah, so also correcting my language and my vision today, so carry on with that. It's purple. It's a normal sort of chewing gum shaped lozenge with square corners and a

curved underside. Are you ready, sir? Yeah. Then let us partake of the chewing. May God have mercy on your souls. Now, this actually tastes like my nan's bedroom. It's got that lavender... Oh, my... Where's the spit bag?

He's getting the gag reflex. No. The thing is, it's not... Wow, that just doesn't taste like food at all. No. It tastes like... It tastes like soap. It tastes like imperial leather. Yes, imperial leather. It tastes like... It tastes like soap. It tastes like imperial leather.

Yes, imperial leather. It tastes like imperial leather. Because I put it in my mouth. Look. That is a good question, actually. Look, I need to explain something here. Excuse me. God, that's really wrong.

I'll tell you, madam, how I know... I don't quite like it. I don't know why. Because you really wrong. I'll tell you, madam, how I know... I don't quite like it. I don't know why. Oh, because you're wrong. I'll tell you, madam, how I know what imperial leather tastes like. Because you swore a lot

when you were a kid. Because you go through a period, I think every child does, you know, of putting stuff in your mouth, don't you? You see, little children, before they learn to talk,

they just shove everything in their mouth, don't they? Ugh. Oh, here comes the gag reflex. Oh, I didn't expect that. It was quite... I'm okay. Good. I'm all right.

Yes, very soapy. They're not fucking shitting you. No. It does still... Can we give these a rest? Oh, by all means. By all means. There are six.

Who wants one? All right, one sec. There is a hint of Palmer Viol by all means. By all means. There are six. Who wants one? All right, one sec. There is a hint of Parma Violets to it. Yeah, absolutely right. Like a thousand Parma Violets compressed. It's a very intense Parma Violet kind of taste. Yeah, that's what I was looking for. It's the sheer strength of it.

That's just really nasty. Yeah, it's a lavender soap taste, isn't it? So you're all chewing it. A lot of unhappy faces. But that might be the show, not necessarily the sweets. So, we'll see. Who needs to spit? Would you like to spit, madam?

Ron? Ron, what's your opinion? Kind of like a hospital. Tastes like a hospital. Tastes like a hospital, that's what Ron said. You can taste the bubble, someone says. The monkey. It does taste like a monkey.

It does taste like a pet chimpanzee. Tastes like what? Musk sticks. What are musk sticks? Are you Australian? Do you know what musk sticks are? No. My God.

No, wait. This is... That's a great word. We have an avenue of inquiry. Right. Madam, come forward. Oh, God. What's your name?

Beth. Beth. And explain to us what a musk stick is and how it relates to the thing that's in your mouth right now. They're both candy. Great. Anything else? It's pink, it's a stick, and it tastes like musk.

And that's what this tastes like. I've got a pink stick that tastes like musk. Don't you dare. I fucking do. Don't you dare. Well, it tastes like fish at the moment, but, uh... What? It's a callback!

Mr. Stilzerman. Spit bag is filling up. You can win the spit bag. Do you neederman spit bag it's filling up you can win the spit bag do you need to spit yeah I was just it's delightful the way that lady said musk

isn't it mask I like the way we like what how deformed is that vowel sound in that word mask

alright good that was awful. Come to an unthinkable show. You'll be spitting into a bag by the end of it. There's notes. The lady wants a spit bag. I've got a question. How popular are they in Canada?

Do you know, Ashens? Do you know how popular? They're not that popular. I've mentioned it to two Canadians, and they both said, oh, fucking hell. Not in that voice. Canadians do not use that.

They went, oh, out in a boot, fucking hell, man, eh? Something like that? Exactly like that. In fact, I think I may have just spoken to you. Yeah, thank you. The worst thing is the taste does not go away and will make your pint now taste dreadful for hours. Enjoy.

So does anyone out there actually like it? Oh, God, she's leaving. You all right? I gotta wash it. I gotta wash it. Oh God, she's leaving. You alright? Oh my God. I often have that effect on women, I tend to find. Sorry. Anyway.

Sorry for him. Who actually liked it? You definitely didn't. No one actually liked it, did they? She's the only person I know to wash out sweets with crisps as a palate cleanser. To be fair, anything is better. Did you like it? You did? Oh, you shared it?

That is one of the weirdest products I've ever seen in my life. Ashton, does he have anything else for us, or is that your lot? That is the lot. I don't think I can... That's fine. You have something, don't you? I've got something in my bag. Oh, shit.

I've got something in my bag for you, Ashton. Oh. And this was brought to us by an avid listener of the... Of the pod. Oh, good. Will do. So we're going to try one last piece of food out. It's a surprise. I don't even know what this is. I just know he's brought it. Are you excited by this? No. Good. What do you have? Oh, he's pulling out of his bag. What is it, Mr. Silverman?

It's called sponge. Sponge. Awesome. Sponge. Which I think is how you'd say the word sponge in a Mexican accent, isn't it? Well, apart from the fact it came from L.A. We don't need no stinky pillows. We have the sponge, man. Yeah, some sponge cake, man.

I forget how bad your accents are. All right, cool. So you're going to try this, are we? Oh, mate, I'm getting a real taste of lavender still in my mouth. Anyway. It does. Let's just crack open the sponge. It's like French kissing your nan, that candy.

The taste of lavender, another great band name. Or really upbeat kitchen sink drama from the 50s. This is produced by a company called Maranella. Ooh. Let's crack this sponge open. I bet you've never said that sentence before in your life. Ooh. Oh, can I have a sniff?

Now, this is something I don't personally like. Can I sniff your sponge? Ooh. Come on. I want a sponge sniff. Oh, ooh. Cheap coconut and... Yeah.

It's a coconut and marshmallow cake, and it does make it clear here it is artificially flavoured. I was going to say, it makes it clear it should not be eaten. I'm going to get the sponge out. Again.

I love that sentence. The sponge is sticking together. I've seen biscuits like these in Grandma's Assortment. Oh, look at that. Really? It's like a kind of 3D Gartenberg cake thing.

So there we go. It's a biscuit with four blobs of what I can guess is marshmallow-y jam. It's like a biscuit with an exit wound. What the hell is that? You know what? That is the best description of a biscuit I've ever heard in my life. Also, it fucking stinks. Did I mention that?

Are we going to try this? I've got the bag just in case because I know I'm going to hate this because I don't like marshmallow. And I hate coconut. We're going to do really well on this. Between us all, we're going to hate it. Eli hates exit wounds. It's not the best film. Alright, cool. I couldn't have picked a more

obscure movie to reference. I was trying to think, is that actually a film? Is like an 80s video nasty the thing is I know the title but I don't know who directed it

who was in it it's got DMX in it doesn't it what that drug no that rapper oh DMX the DMX guy with the pitbulls

he's like that hey Exit Wounds hey let's eat the sponge okay eat the sponge sorry right so we're going to take a bite

after three well I'm not fucking doing it two it's my thing for you alright one exit booms. Let's eat the sponge. Okay, eat the sponge. Sorry. All right, so we're going to take a bite. After three. Well, I'm not fucking doing it. Two. It's my thing for you. All right. One, two, three. Oh, I love the gag

reflex. It's full. Try not to puke. Oh, God. Oh, mate. Hold down the sponge, mate. That is the worst gag reflex I've ever seen him have.

It can't be that bad. Let me try. It's just everything I hate on a biscuit. Yeah, well, Ashton's has made us stronger stuff. i have found from doing this show that my gag reflex is is is just it's got a hair trigger it's yes yeah i remember yeah well oh you owe me a tenner still yes in fact it doesn't even have to be something you're swallowing does it horrible for example last uh last show we did was the halloween special don't ask why but um we did the halloween special last time i'd made paul up

and uh we had some fake teeth put the fake teeth in start gagging on those well i bet you'd start gagging if i just said to you the words i'm putting something in your mouth oh no that would do a different thing to go to me right i'm gonna it would stir my loins. Are you going to try a bit? Eat it. Go, go. Oh. Oh. Oh, he shakes it off.

Oh, the jam bit's nice, actually. No. Oh, that's... That couldn't have been more perfectly timed, the response. Oh, swallow it. No, it's not good. Oh, he takes a second bite. It's not that bad.

Oh, God. Look at this pussy. That's disgusting. You're disgusting. You feral denizen. It's not the best. What did you make of it, Mr. Ashen, sir? Incredibly artificial.

Isn't it it just like chemicals and some really ancient desiccated coconut that no longer tastes of coconut which is a good thing from my point of view what set me off

was not so much the coconut it was the biscuit that soft horrible off biscuit was just like it was my body saying don't put this in your mouth get rid of it right away

and that's exactly what I did my brain shut down my throat and it ejected it out of my teeth holes. He's like a poet. A poet of the stupid. I consider myself a

Dadaist of language. So, let's get a mark out of ten for those three. I once dated a girl who was into surreal art but we had to break up in the end. Why is that? She had to resolve Dada issues. I'll just go.

Come on, mate. He's going. Is that your fake walkout? Yeah, a fucking fake walkout. It pisses me off, your fake walkout. Eli, come back. Come back. You can't keep doing this every episode, all right? Because it pisses me off. Eli, come back. Come back. You can't keep doing this every episode, all right?

Because it pisses me off. So stop doing it. All right. Ashton, come on. We all do. I can't be bothered to get up, to be honest with you. All right, fair enough. Okay.

So how many have got those left? Yeah. Does anyone want these? We've got one. Yeah. Sponge for the lady. Sponge. Put it this way. I had the molasses thing to take the taste away. So don't get your sweaty hands all over it. Sponge for life. Sponge for president. The jammy bits do get a bit... Madam?

Do you have a verdict? Come up and give us a verdict. I can see why you don't have guests on your couch now when you do these bits. What's your name, madam? I know I know your name, but for the purpose of everyone else, please... Fuck's sake. All right, fuck it. Jen,

what do you think of the sponge that your husband bought? It's really horrible. Alright, good. Would you like to spit into the bag? Classy lady. Alright. Okay, we'll take the bag. No one's going to

force sponge on anyone here. Oh, the jam might be the deal breaker. Fully scientific. Wants to try every part. Yeah. Because it's all artificial. You may as well be

eating a test tube. Let's bin it. Nasty sponge. Right. What did you make? Do you have some? What did you make of it? Well, like,

the consistencies are all off. The biscuit's too soft, but the marshmallow's too hard. There's no flavour anywhere. That's a good point, actually are all off. The biscuit's too soft, but the marshmallow's too hard. There's no flavour anywhere. That's a good point, actually. Biscuit is softer than the marshmallow, which is a fundamental sponge floor. It's an... What's the word when... It's a contradictory

snack. The sponge, the contradictory snack. I love that. Sorry? Was that in date? Oh, that's a good question, yeah. I think it's all far too late for us to worry about that. No, it was in date. Mate, come on.

That would be in date in 2,000 years. Hang on. Yeah, it says 2016. Yeah, in date. Don't worry. We wouldn't poison anyone. So does anyone want to spit out into my bag? What was wrong about that?

It was a completely blunt sentence full of fact. It was a nice sentence. It was a nice sentence. And at least I got one out. Yes. Are we all done? Ladies and gentlemen, that was our cheap eats. Thank you to Ashton's for bringing that stuff along.

Right, last bit now. This is the last part of the show. This is the bit we call Top Three. Eli is a feral denizen of all things factual, and he, every episode, likes to come up with three things that he knows are the best three things in the world. Today, it's the Top Three What?

Today, thanks for that introduction, by the way, Paul. Thank you. Today, I'll be telling you what are, empirically speaking, and in actual fact, the top three toys of all time. Let's see how this goes. In number three. Is this the least popular of your top three? But it's still pretty fucking good being better than everything else in the universe apart from the two above it.

Right, fine. Okay. All right. That's loser talk. Yeah. That, fine. Okay. All right. That's loser talk. Yeah. That is. Well played. Number three.

Scratch and sniff Snickers. Shut up! Yes! Scratch and sniff Snickers. They're not Snickers. Scratch and sniff Snickers. You're telling me it's not a toy? You're trying to say that's not a fucking toy?

It's not a toy. Oh. Oh. Fuck. Off. Of course it's a fucking toy. I... Listen. I... Listen. I, in theory of mind, telling me what is and what is not a toy, I will not have.

I played with it as a child. It was bought for me. They were scratch and stiff stickers. They were designed for children to play with, to scratch. And it's an action of play. I play by scratching. Ear. it's an action of play. I play by scratching ear. The moment your argument crumbled like a squanch biscuit.

Ear. What does this one smell of? Gherkins. Which is the best smell ever. Number three. Scratching sniff snickers. What's number two? Number two. Very simple building blocks. Very simple building blocks or very simple dot, dot, dot building blocks.

My number two is very simple. Edit point. My number two is very simple. Yes. Comma. It's building blocks. All right. It's clear enough for you, you fuck take.

Just because your number two is going to be some ghostbusters product made of shit plastic that's just destined to lie in a fucking landfill site and kill future generations of humans by sticking in their stomachs while they're going across the post-apocalyptic landscape looking for something to eat. Oh, it's a ghostbusters thing. They're tasty. Ugh. Ugh.

I'm dying. Holy shit. What drugs are you on tonight? Can I have some? Yeah, can we all have some? Yeah, Ashton, I'll hook you up when we finish the recording. That's two shows in a row now. You've offered drugs to our guests.

That's the way you do it. That's the reason we come on. Keep them sweet. Keep them sweet. Now, I think I'm actually having a psychoactive effect off the sponge. I wouldn't be surprised. Sponge effect. Another great band name.

They should have a little tagline on the sponge. Still tasting edible. Still tastes. Still not. Has the gift of taste. Okay, so that's my number fucking two, and I'm right about that. Yes, okay, number one. Is an air ruby.

What? Yet! See, a yet! Can I get a yet? No, just because one person understood what you said does not mean your argument is valid, right? What? Yet! See? Yet! Can I get a yet? No, just because one person understood what you said does not mean your argument is valid. Right? What is that?

It is a flying ring. Good! Invented in the early 80s. Yes. Because frisbees were out of style. Were shit. Are shit. They hurt your hand.

They don't go very far. It's very difficult to learn the skill of throwing them. They only go a limited distance. They hurt your head if they hit it. They fucking get dog spit pooling in it. Right. That's not a really good reason. The reason why you don't like Frisbees is because for some reason in your childhood

it gave you some kind of childhood trauma. No, they're just a shit toy. Do you know what Frisbees were based on? Yes. Dinner plates. Back to the Future 3 told me that.

Not dinner plates. Throw them. Pie tins. Yeah, that's what it was. Dinner pie tin plates. Yeah, but dinner plates, pie tins, two totally separate objects. Either way.

Okay. Either way. Do you know what I mean? Sorry to be pedantic. Dinner plates. Yeah, but dinner plates, pie tins, two totally separate objects. Either way. Okay? Either way. Do you know what I mean? Sorry to be pedantic. Dinner plates, pie tin, Christmas tree. You know what I mean? Fucking shut up, unless you know you're right, which

I do. And they're the best toy. Aerobees, right? They've got a rubber ring round the edge, which is an aerofoil designed by a guy who used to design aeroplanes, so he knew his fucking shit. And to this day, to this day, the Aerobee has the world record for a heavier-than-air object distance throw. Okay? Thank you.

That's my third applause break! I think that was more of a, thank God he's finished, let's applaud kind of thing. But surely, surely, surely, the Aerobee is inferior to the Whizback. Oh. The Whizback was actually manufactured by the same... It was indeed. Yes.

By the same house. Yes. A magical, sentient house. The Whizback was a sort of souped up boomerang. It was. Apparently you would throw it and it would actually come back. Yes. Just like my dog.

The Whiz Back's good, but it's nothing... You know, you play with yourself with a Whiz Back. Isn't that always the case? Right. Are that your top three? That's my top three. Cassians, do you have a top three? Are you too afraid to get into this now?

I don't blame you. I'm going to say top three toys I wanted and I never got when I was young. The first is a Whiz-Bak. I had loads of those. They kept getting me. They were like, I want an Airby. This is shit. You can't run off to make an Airby.

I was swimming in fucking Whiz-Bak. You Whizback billionaire. Another good band name. I'm going to have to make a note of these. The problem was, never got one in the 80s. Somebody threw one into the garden. And I didn't realise, unfortunately, until the 90s when I found it and all the rubber had worn away. And it would no longer work.

That is the worst birthday ever. Number two, Hungry Hungry Hippos Was obsessed with it when I was young But you never had it? No, and it's fucking shit As I discovered years later when I played it You just slap a hippo, it's like a hippo abuse simulator Eat your fucking marbles I was most distressed

And number one I haven't thought of yet But when I do, I shall tell you Can you write us a letter? No, I haven't thought of yet but when I do I shall tell you can you write us a letter Strogers no oh I don't write

email maybe alright good do you know what I wanted what I wanted and never got was those it was like a remote controlled car and you told it to go

get you an apple big tracks yeah did you have one of those no I've got one now living the dream is that cool or what no go and get me an apple

I don't think it had those buttons. But yeah. There were more stages to the program than that, unfortunately. Actually, my number one ZX Spectrum Plus 3 computer. Oh, interesting choice. Because it had a disk drive which was like amazing and didn't load games from audio tape.

Again, shit, they only released a couple of games so it's pointless. But you have one now. Oh, do you want one now? Even I could not stoop so low as to lick the bumhole of Alan Sugar and use his awful proprietary diskettes. Oh, see, I was a child of the Amstrad CPC-464. Oh my god, you were well into Mr. Sugar's... Oh yeah, I could taste his tonsils. I was that deeply involved in his work. Color monitor or black and white?

Green, sorry. I couldn't be flash was a green screen. Green screen. I couldn't be flash with a color monitor. Well, so all the color games anyway had three colors. So having a colored monitor didn't make that much of a difference. Well, my parents were hippies and I wasn't allowed to watch telly until I was 10. So fuck you. With your things with screens.

Can I give you my top three then? Yeah. It's going to be shit, everyone. No. Three. Lego. give you my top three then? Yeah. It's going to be shit, everyone. No. Three. Lego. Oh my God. Snooze Fest.

Oh. You've had your chance. Lego. And not the Harry Potter Star Wars set. Proper Lego in a box with different coloured shapes with the four blocks,

the three blocks, the lines, the flats. Proper building set of Lego that came in a big bucket different coloured shapes with the four blocks, the three blocks, the lines, the flats. Proper building set of Lego that came in a big bucket that when you spilled on the carpet your mum got angry about and made you clean up because she always got her foot in it when she was hoovering.

So, Lego. Thank you. Number two. Mousetrap, the board game. Oh, fuck. See? They're on my side. They don't care about your poncy, I was a hippie child. I didn't get toys until I was 20 routine. See? They're on my side. They don't care about your poncy, I was a hippie child, I didn't get toys until I was 20 routine. Right?

Mousetrap. Because it's not only a board game that no one ever played anyway. They just built it and then set the trap off and then put it back together and set the trap off. How does that make that a good toy?

How does it make it a good fucking toy? Because it had that... What's the name of the guy... The guy... Sorry? No, no, no had that... What's the name of the guy... Sorry? No, no, no, no. What's the name of the guy who did the drawings of the complicated machinery? There's a very famous one. Oh, Heath Robinson.

Yes. It was Heath Robinson. No, it was not Heath Robinson. There's a very particular... Goldberg. Rube. Now, that's the American form of... Yeah, because there's an American guy.

Oh, Heath Robinson was the... That's the original one. Yeah, that's right. But everyone terms the Rube Goldstein. No, only wrong people who look like you. Oh, well then, that sums it up perfectly, doesn't it? Who is winning the top three? The guest is on my side.

I'm going to hit Eli. Ah! Right. It's all right. He has to resort to violence. He can't use his brain or his mouth. Right. Okay, what's your top one?

Oh, God, as if we wanted to fucking hear. Nintendo Game Boy 1989. Oh, the best thing in the world. I'll tell you my story about the Game Boy. I always wanted one when I was a kid, but they were far too expensive. My family was far too poor to get one. But Quavers had a thing where if you bought Quavers, there was a little thing inside you could open and tear it.

And if you could win a Quaver, right? You could win a Game Boy if you open the thing now i ate about over the over the summer of school uh i ate about 56 bags of quavers to try and win a game boy and you know what didn't get one but i did now have did get a scurvy yeah and weirdly my hand smelled like it was up my ass the whole time because that's the problem with quavers is it makes your hand smell like it's up my arse the whole time because that's the problem with Quavers is it makes your hand smell like it's been up your arse and so

I didn't get a Game Boy Why didn't they use that as a tagline? I don't know but I did have a stinky finger so that's my top three right

can we now end the show? Yeah We're just going to do a bit of housework now to end the show. I just want to say thank you to our guest tonight. Thank you for coming all the way down. He's simply called Stuart Aschens, and I want you to give him a massive round of applause for his appearance. Oh, God, I just hit him.

Oh, God. Round of applause for Mr Aschens. He has to shoot off. Oh, grab your bag. Don't forget your bag, sir. There it is. This is how everyone should leave a stage. Coat on, bag.

Have you got your keys and wallet, sir? You got your phone? Yeah? Good boy. Got your scarf? All right, good. We'll just wrap up tight. It's cold out tonight, all right?

All right, give me a text when you get home so I know you're safe, alright? And... Goodbye, Mr. Aschens. I actually went in for the kiss then and I got confused. There might have been a chance I touched your tongue by act. Anyway, it doesn't matter.

So, if you want to email us and suggest things that we can do, we can eat, please do. You can email us at thegeekatorium at gmail.net. And follow us on Twitter or find us on Facebook. Again, on Twitter, at The Geekatorium. Subscribe to our podcast if you're listening. If you found us on SoundCloud, you can subscribe to us on iTunes or Stitcher. And finally, I can say goodnight.

I want to say a round of applause to all your good selves. A round of applause for all your good selves who are coming along tonight. You've been an awesome, awesome, awesome audience. And as always, we play out with a piece of music to make sure you get out the door quickly. Eli, what are we playing out with tonight? It's a tune called Ganji's Delta by Oko Beka. Ganji's Delta by Oko Beka.

I don't know if I said that right, but that's what he's playing out with. So, ladies and gentlemen, thank you. I've been Paul, that's been Eli. You've been awesome. Mr. Music, will you play? Thank you.