CheapShow - Ep 400: This Is NOT Episode 400

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hello, if you think this is episode 400, it's not. I don't know what you think this is, but it's not a podcast. It's not 400, no. This is not 400. I don't know why they're listening even, Paul. Why are you listening to this? Why are you listening to this? Me?

Starting point is 00:00:18 No, no, I'm looking at you, but I'm addressing, this is, we both have this issue. We had this problem before when we tried to get started. The listener, we're regarding right now now and we're saying to that listener Whomever they may be that this is not 400. This is not a podcast. This isn't even a podcast It's not a podcast. 400 is on YouTube. Are you doing a podcast now? No, because I'm not. I'm not. Are you Paul? We've done that. We've done 400 mate. Have you done it? We've done, mate. It's on YouTube. You're gonna have to get Aggie with me, mate. I was there. This is not episode 400 of the podcast. This isn't anything.

Starting point is 00:00:50 This is not. This is nothing. I mean, look, if you want to listen to this... This is nothing. ...you're welcome to, but we're not doing you a podcast. I'm not doing a podcast. We're not doing a podcast. I'm not doing a podcast.

Starting point is 00:01:00 So if you want to watch, want to know what 400 is, go to YouTube, and go to YouTube. It's up there. It's up on YouTube. Well, if you listen to the morning on the 6th of September, it's not out yet. That means they'll have ads on it. It'll have ads on it for people. No, it won't for the premiere. We're selling out.

Starting point is 00:01:12 It won't for the premiere. We don't have AdSense on our channel anyway. It won't for the premiere. No. I didn't know they had that feature. Yeah, of course. Because, look, it's confusing, but look, if you're listening to this before 8pm on the 6th of September 2024, then right now, episode 400 hasn't gone out because it's confusing, but look, if you're listening to this before 8pm on the 6th of September 2024,

Starting point is 00:01:26 then right now, episode 400 hasn't gone out because it's on YouTube live premiere at 8pm. However, if you're listening after that time and you want to listen to this second... I thought you weren't doing a podcast. You seem to be doing a podcast now, Paul. Episode 400 exists on YouTube and YouTube only. There is not an audio version of those events. Unless I get desperate one month and we have to skip it and I turn it into an audio version then. Paul, we don't need to see behind the very drippy beef curtains and hard nipples.

Starting point is 00:01:51 I don't know why you do that. They're getting hard. Are they? Getting hard, no. Oh God. I think you've drawn a 10. Look at the eyes as well. They do.

Starting point is 00:01:59 Nipples do get hard. I don't like me nipples. What's wrong with them? I want them gone. You want your nipples gone. That can be done. I mean that like me nipples. What's wrong with them? I want them gone. You want your nipples gone? That can be done. I mean that can be done. Go away. If you really wanted them to go you could get them done. Just get like shears and just go. No, no, no. Oh my god it's gone! It's not worth the pain for no nips! Trigger warning. Trigger like there's

Starting point is 00:02:19 a horse coming in. Look out trigger warning. Oh he's shat on the floor. Now he's doing that thing in my ear again Paul! He's licking your ear! No it's not licking, it's his dick! It's his big fucking waxy horse dick! Oh no, oh no. Anyway look listen, if you want to listen to this you're more than welcome. Oh no!

Starting point is 00:02:48 Oh no! Eli's on a hundred blunder. Four hundred blunder. Oh! Sorry, sorry about that. Hang on, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to open this and whiff the strong alcohol and get rid of your beefy interruption. So...

Starting point is 00:03:04 Oh, that works. Another thing we won't be doing on this not podcast is not drinking. We're not going to be doing any drinking of any kind whatsoever. But Paul I've got a big ice cube there that's got your name on it because I want you to do you a decent lot of passion. How did you manage that? How did you get my name on an ice cube? It just has metaphorically speaking your name on it. Oh, not a real metaphor, a fake metaphor. No, a metaphor is unreal by definition.

Starting point is 00:03:30 But can you actualise a metaphor therefore it wouldn't be a metaphor? Like if you had a piece of ice with my name on it. That would be not a metaphorical piece of ice. That would just be an actual piece of ice with your name on it. So if I start going around actualising metaphors... I don't need to describe... There's no such thing as actualizing a metaphor. Well it did, it would do. If you said this bullet has your name on it, and then you gave me a bullet with my name on, then that's an actualization of the metaphor. Ride a white swan. Get a swan.

Starting point is 00:03:59 Ride it. Go to a Hyde Park, there's a fucking load of them. Ride a white swan. Was that a metaphor? I've never heard of the phrase. I don't think I've ever heard of it. That was a metaphor, wasn't it? On the... Hang on. There's a song by T-Rex called Ride a White Swan. Yeah, that's where I got it from. Yeah, that's where I got it from, mate. So, it must be metaphorical. He didn't mean... He wasn't actually an animal abuser. I hope not. Maybe that's what made him crash his car. He was halfway off the dock or something. Would you like an old fashioned?

Starting point is 00:04:25 Because I've only got one big ice cube, so this is basically the only. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you pass me an orange? An orange. I'm prepping your, because I'm going to mix it in the glass for you, Paul. Watch this.

Starting point is 00:04:37 What are you doing with your arm? I do like one of those barramunds in the old, in the marketplace, when they pass an orange, they go, hey! Like that! Come on, come on! For the listener, I rolled it down my forearm to the nape of my arm not the nape what's it called yeah it's the nape weird thank you the anti-elbow and then I bopped it it's the anti-elbow and it came up flying across the room over the mic stand

Starting point is 00:04:58 trajectory into my right hand your right hand which I managed to catch even though I am holding a slicey potato slic a type thing it's a yeah what you call it peeler peeler because I need to make you the garnish first yeah because the garnish is a fix your muff that's fine but in terms of the sound level, I'm okay here. I don't give a fuck. It's not a podcast. No, but you can listen to it. Oh, it's not a podcast. We're not actually recording. Oh, he nearly dropped his orange. Hey, can I also say you're full of shit? You know when I talk about your fucking memory

Starting point is 00:05:34 and it's like, oh, you've burned reality round. I was listening to last week's and you were like, did you say Tarantino? Yeah, you said Tarantino. You meant to say Scorsese and I listened back and at no point do I ever say Tarantino. I was thinking Tarantino. I had a said Tarantino when you meant to say Scorsese and I listen back at no point do I ever say Tarantino. I was thinking Tarantino. I had a heavy Tarantino reality replacement.

Starting point is 00:05:49 I just want to say something about your brain that like filters everything that comes in through these kind of flappy doors and then what you want remains and everything else stays outside. I will admit that Paul, right now I admit that. My memory is fallible just like everyone else's. Everyone is like that. This is not 400. If you're underwhelmed by this episode,

Starting point is 00:06:08 because you say, oh, it's not a big thing. This is not 400. Hey, we were on telly, weren't we? I mean, theoretically, we're not yet, because we haven't recorded this. I mean, it's online. No, the telly thing. Yeah, I know.

Starting point is 00:06:18 I'm doing you a nice long. We did London Live, which we mentioned in last week's episode. I'm doing you a nice long garnish. And as of Monday the 2nd of September, it's on London Live's website. Just look for London Live Cheap Show, you'll find it. The classic old fashioned has an orange garnish. Or it's on our website as well.

Starting point is 00:06:32 Has an orange garnish. He's peeling back the orange skin to make a garnish for. It's a garnish. Are you going to do the thing where you squirt over a match? Yeah, I'll do that, yeah. Do you want me to do that for you? Yeah, because that's what they do on How To Drink. He takes a little bit of the thing and he goes is that part of the recipe or just an affectation of the barman? It can be done

Starting point is 00:06:50 you can do it with a Cosmo as well. I don't think you need to do it necessarily with an old-fashioned. I'm Cosmo from me and you. Do you remember that? I don't remember. I'm Cosmo. But Paul. I think it was the same voice as a zig and zag, I might be wrong. That's very similar to the zig and zag voice. But Paul. Oh zig and zag on the big breakfast! There's a variation on an old fashioned, that they serve at a place that I work at called a conference call, and that's where they actually put the match, clip the match to the side of the glass. Yeah, orange.

Starting point is 00:07:17 Oh, of the glass. So it's like a, and it's called a conference call, and then they do that thing with the flame the orange zest, but then they also blow the sort of match smoke into the so it has a match smoke do you want to do that maybe no no it might be i'll just do you a flamed one yeah your ice is melting and i need to build this for you stop talking i'm gonna um what have i oh i'll tell you what i'm gonna have a packet of crisps this is not a podcast um i've got walkers are are doing flavours. Wacky flavours. Oh it's the sugar in it. Oh I've booked the mic that I'm not recording a podcast on. Where's the sugar? I don't know, he didn't bring it in. He's off to get his sugar. I'll talk about the sausages. There's

Starting point is 00:07:56 Walkers sausage sarnie with ketchup flavour and Walkers cheese toastie with beans flavour and there was a chicken one. Chicken chicken butty with mayo I think. Which of reflection I maybe should have got some of the cheese toastie but uh they're toasty flavoured snacks. I'm gonna have one now. I'm gonna have a cheese toastie with beans which I think is objectionable but you know that's just me. Your opinion might differ. I'm having a packet of uh cheesy toasty beans. I don't know you You brought everything in.

Starting point is 00:08:27 I have not done a fucking thing, have I? Did you put it? No. We need it. Alright, but I haven't got it, nor do I know where you've put it. I'm doing you an old fashioned thing. Alright, don't blame this on me because you can't find your sugar. Mmm, does smell like beans and a bit of cheese.

Starting point is 00:08:48 Is that a thing? Do people often mix cheesy toasties with beans? We're going to find out now anyway. Oh yeah. It's got a farty baked bean consistency. Oi stop! I can hear you! Cheese in the background. I can hear you dissing me. I'm not! That was talking about the crisps! What are they like? What flavour are they? Cheesy toasty with beans. Is it taste of onion? Smell it.

Starting point is 00:09:10 No, it's meant to have beans. Bake beans in. I'll jostle it. Jostle it. Oh, there is a bean odour. Yeah, there's a real baked bean flavour to it. There is. It must be a tomatoey thing they add.

Starting point is 00:09:18 Yeah. That's what it is. It smells... Add one quick before you get the booze in there. I don't want it. I'm really... I'm really not going to eat it. I'm going to eat it. I'm going to eat it. I'm going to there's a real baked bean flavour to it. There is. It must be a tomatoey thing they add. Yeah. That's what it is. It smells. Have one quick before you get the booze in there. I don't want it.

Starting point is 00:09:29 I'm really, I had a load of chips before. Oh you had some chips yeah. I'm, I want to build you this. Right okay. Oh we need some fizzy water or something. What about this? Clear ruler dag. Yeah I just need a drop to help with the... I'm on it, I'm on it. Don't you worry, I've got it. So I'm putting the sugar in there and then I need the bitters for you, please.

Starting point is 00:09:53 Right, hang on, the bitters is, here are the bitters. I'm gonna make yours sweet. I put quite a lot of sugar in because you like it sweet, don't you? I know, but for the record, ladies and gentlemen, Paul will be cutting back considerably on sugar for the next month and a half before he goes on holiday because he wants to have what he calls a slimmer tummy.

Starting point is 00:10:09 Okay. Right, now, not right now though. And I'm gonna put six dashes of this Angostura Bitters here. How do you fucking, oh, okay. How do you fucking get this? Five, six. What the fuck's this? How do you open this?

Starting point is 00:10:20 Where's the fucking, where's the fucking bottle opener on this? I'll show you. It's there, it's that big hole. This bit? No, the big hole in's there, it's that big hole. This bit? No, the big hole in the middle. Oh yeah, sorry. And I've got pestle and mortar and I'm just gonna, I need a little tiny bit of that.

Starting point is 00:10:33 What is that? That's the clear- That's clear ula dag, which is what I kind of- What does it smell like, lemonade? No, more like a bubblegum. Bubblegum. Well I just need a tiny bit to help, just a tiny, tiny. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:10:43 That? Yeah. There you go, I'm gonna a tiny bit to help. Just a tiny, tiny. Yeah. That. Yeah. There you go. I've put a little bit of Oola Dag clear which I don't believe I've done recently. Yeah, it's got a kind of a cream soda bubblegum kind of

Starting point is 00:11:00 safe flavor profile. It's quite nice. I prefer the orange. We all do. Oh, we all do here. There's nothing. Oh, he's dropped a little bit of this. Oh, it's the same issue again. Oh, guess what? It hasn't got my name on it anymore, has it? Yeah, he broke the ice. Oh, he actualised a metaphor again. Didn't you? You broke the ice.

Starting point is 00:11:22 Right, he's now doing his Morton and Pestle routine routine inside, crushing the sugar and the orange into the bitters. No booze has been added, has it? No booze yet. The bitters is 40%. Oh, that's true, yeah. That's why sometimes you get drinks like a Trinidad Sour that has like an ounce of that. Christ. And like, of this it.

Starting point is 00:11:42 The bitters. The Angostura bitters. Is it shelf stable then? I saw on How to Drink that it's to do, the reason that they call this bitters and they sell it in these little bottles is they can get away with it not being booze. If you see what I mean,

Starting point is 00:11:52 it doesn't have to be in and off licences. Really? If you send, yeah, if you sold a big one, like a litre or whatever, then it has to be in different licences. Actually, in the US or everywhere. Everywhere. Well, they're a big international company

Starting point is 00:12:04 because they're so, they call Angostura Bitters Barman's Ketchup. Yeah. What Angostura? Is it the person or the place it comes from? I think it's a place. Well done. Alright.

Starting point is 00:12:18 Dad, you're going to want his booze tomorrow. Ice goes in. Ice goes in. Ice goes in. And now I'm gonna give you a full two ounce pour of the selected bourbon of this evening's entertainment. We're going with Jack. Because Jack's the easiest to get hold of. It is innit. Jack's your one stop shot. It's not the worst. No it's also not the worst. We'll probably be alright with this. The connoisseurs, I'm sure you'd scoff. But we're not connoisseurs right in and I want the bottle for that. It's my prize. Okay the idea of a rubber band moment aren't you that rubber band

Starting point is 00:12:49 moment in your head not mine because that was something you dreamt up and then I saw you go mad for a rubber band don't distract me I'm not distracting you I need to mix this in the glass I got a little glass Jack Daniel's bottle now which I will fill with my seed Again if you want to watch 400 it's on YouTube. It's not here. This is not 400. Don't don't even listen to this I'm literally not even gonna edit it apart from the racist thing Eli said about four minutes ago Cut that out you did though in this instance. I know it came out by accident. Hell yeah. But I've still got to cut it up because people might think that's a genuine hateful thought you had. And I don't want that. So apart from that I'm not going to do any more editing.

Starting point is 00:13:36 Unless the levels are awful. They should be fine. I'm looking at them now. I'm getting old Eli, I might die one day. What are the odds, do you think? Quite high the way you smoke. Hey! You can't talk. You live a rougher life than me. I've got my issues, but it's disturbing to me how heavily you smoke. Anyway, I've got this down. All the truth's coming out for this, isn't it?

Starting point is 00:13:59 No, I'm just saying. It's not a podcat. You have a smoker's cough. You have a smoker's cough. I heard you in the bedroom before you... Urgh! Do that. Yeah, there you go. Because you vape too much. That looks good, doesn't it? You vape too much.

Starting point is 00:14:13 How about that? No, I vape because it makes... Counterpoint! No, I'm cutting down on tobacco. Yeah, but you're upping on the vaping. Is it necessary to cut back by sticking too up your nose and going... I like... I enjoy doing that. With vapes well at least I'm having a good time. Yeah good Well, I'm having a good time smoking too much Yeah, he squirted it into the rim and he likes to rub it around the rim to do that and then slop it in Look at that good-looking one it there you go

Starting point is 00:14:39 Pictures for this of episode will not be on a website. I'm not taking pictures. How about that? How about that nice cold old-fashioned for you. Very cold, the glass is nice and chilled. Nice smell. Orange forward. Yeah, you're getting the zest from the orange there. Let's go, we're going into this. Here we go. Thank you for this. This is our 400 celebratory old fashioned because we're an old fashioned kind of guy. We are. Oh, that's a cheek. That's nice, that. Good. I like an old-fashioned.

Starting point is 00:15:11 I've never had one. You need to bourbon. You never had one. I've never had one, so this is the first one. And it's not what I imagined it to taste like. It kind of feels like refreshing in a way that I wasn't expecting. It's got a lot of Christmas spice from the bitters.

Starting point is 00:15:24 Yeah, that's it. So do you like those kind of comforting Christmas spice. It's got a lot of Christmas spice from the bitters. Yeah, that's it. So do you like those kind of comforting Christmas spice? It has got a Christmas spice to it. Yeah, that's from the bitters. That's good. Are you not having one? Well, shall I have one? I'll jump to you. Come on, mate. I'll have one. Before you know it,

Starting point is 00:15:37 before you know it, you'll be just as merry as me. And we'll go into the House of Pickles later. How's the sweetness level on that? Good. It's sweet sweet but not too sweet. Really? Oh, there we go. So I'll do the same specs then. Bloody inspector gadget.

Starting point is 00:15:52 These bar spoons of... Yeah, you might prefer yours a little less sweet. I might be getting a little flavour from the Demerara sugar. That works well with it, doesn't it? That's it. You can definitely smell the Demerara. Taste the Demerara. It's very... And some sugars are quite common, taste the Demerara. It's very, And some sugars are quite common, but Demerara.

Starting point is 00:16:09 I'm not gonna make a laugh at that because you tried that a few weeks ago. Yeah. And so the impact and surprise is gone. In fact, the shame is, is that you shoe haunted it originally and that was a natural way. You should have saved it for them.

Starting point is 00:16:23 Tickets for our live show, the 90th ofth October still available. Go to our website or cheerfully. I'm not! If we're gonna do this, may as well throw them a bone, pretend we're doing a podcast. Oh, it's the Price is Right, everyone! How much is this? Pound.

Starting point is 00:16:38 No pound. Are you getting anything from the Oola Dag? Or is that totally neutral? It's neutralised, because that is quite a a it's a sugary but bubbly gum kind of sweetness that I think is easily lost in the orange and the and this bourbon so I think you can use that how are you doing anyway ladies and gentlemen boys and girls ladles and jelly spoons hey how are you doing I hate it when you say that please stop saying that I'm saying it ironically though, don't I? Ladles and jelly spoons. Oh, don't say that. Bagels and... bagels and belly...

Starting point is 00:17:06 Belly spooge. Hey, alright, I'll take that. Bagels and belly spooge. Hello, bagels and jelly spooge. Welcome... belly spooge. What jelly spooge? Belly spooge. Coming at you like Cleopatra.

Starting point is 00:17:22 Did you watch... I haven't watched that London live thing back yet. Did we come across alright? We were a bit serious. Were we? He said we were a bit serious. He wasn't on the microphone when he said that. I just think we couldn't really be our naughty boys. Like we couldn't come on and say oh Chodney Wank, Brough Off. It would be, we would be escorted quickly and severely out of the building. You think so? Yeah. Especially if you start to dance around and making big cupping gestures with your groin. Yeah. Which you all want to do. That wouldn't go down. You're very much a man who likes expressing himself via his groin Mate you know you didn't do for mine what you should do for yours. It's a flame. Yeah

Starting point is 00:18:13 It's a waste use of this lighter Mean it was mad. I've got less ice Less ice because it's melty. Yeah, no, I don't me to peel you a bit of orange or have you done it? No, I don't get to do nothing. Can we make another milkshake later? Milkshake? Cocktail? Yeah, we're going to do sours because you've got scotch. Hey, I have a question for you.

Starting point is 00:18:36 Do you love me? Not like sexually, not in a way that promotes any unthinkable war between us. I just want to know if your heart's mine. Is your heart not mine? Give your heart to me, I ought to look after it. I'll keep it in a box, a heart shaped box. And you would be in Nirvana with me. I think for the next 400 episodes we're nice to each other.

Starting point is 00:19:04 I think we should be lovely and nice and care for each other and only give each other platitudes. Platitudes are empty though, Paul. Oh, are they? I want a genuine compliment. I give you compliments because I don't do it often and when I do I mean them, don't I? Think about it like that. I've never given you an ingenuine compliment. I'd rather, you know what I mean? There's no point. You're sort of in a hole digging...

Starting point is 00:19:28 I mean, I definitely gaslight you to fuck week in, week out. Exactly, that's what I'm talking about. But that means the comments that I give you are honest. Talk about gaslighting. You went on about how my memories are flappy-daw. No, but that is true though. The whole Tarantino thing is an example. Yes, everyone models reality in their mind and isn't connected with the actual world how it is.

Starting point is 00:19:47 Because there's no objective truth. Well, this is a conversation we can have. Let's have it. Is there any case of objectionable truth in human history? Objectionable truth? What objectionable truth? There is a lot of objectionable truth like fucking your existence. The fact you exist.

Starting point is 00:20:01 That's objectionable. How dare you? My mummy had to put up with me in her tummy being ill for about six months and then I got very ill inside her belly and I had to come out early. They had to come out early and the umbilical cord was wrapped around my throat. Was it? Yeah. Are you a breech birth?

Starting point is 00:20:18 No, I was a caesarean section. I had to come out early and then they put me in a little box for a couple of weeks. Oh, you were incubated? Yeah. Anyway, I was a wee baby. So my birthmate is I'm a miracle. I'm a bloody miracle and here's you. I was just making fun of you saying objectionable truth instead of objective. Mum says I'm a miracle. Cheers.

Starting point is 00:20:38 There's empirical truth which is what we find out through our senses or science experiments. But in that view, all science is just an extension of our senses, it's empiricism. But is there any case of objective truth? Yes, but you think about the truth of like one and one plus two equals two. But is it? I'm sure there's a scientist or mathematician

Starting point is 00:21:03 who would sit down and say, actually one plus one is 4.72 worth or for caring. No one would, but it's just that's like saying there are no married bachelors. By its definition, it's true. Do you see what I mean? And it's not... Yes, it's not an oxymoron which reverses that trope. Yeah, yeah. Well, join us next week for our new show, The Objectionable Truth. But then there's facts about the world. Like what? That's a table is it exactly there's a lot of debate there I'm watching a lot of philosophy on YouTube I'm sorry about the boat about the

Starting point is 00:21:34 taking the pit to the boat apart Tarkus's boat not Tarkus the otter I was thinking of that fucking there's that... There's a really famous prog album called Tarkus, which is like an armadillo tank. But no, there's that ship Theseus ship? Ship Theseus, yeah. Ship Theseus, which is like, is it the original boat if so much of it has been... Every single plank has been replaced. But also, expand on that, what if they took every single plank from the original book of... Foreman. Boat Theseus' ship.

Starting point is 00:22:05 This boat, yeah. And then they built another ship over the years. Out of those bits? Yeah, which looks identical because it's every little bit from the original ship. But would it be Theseus' ship? Which is then the ship of Theseus? When does the ship of Theseus begin as a ship of Theseus? Is it when it's completed and on the water?

Starting point is 00:22:21 These are all questions that... These are all... Why don't you comment below? Do you understand the concept of the ship Aethesius? Is this... I don't know. I drank so much whiskey over the weekend. Did you? Mate, I can't drink alone. You have to drink with me. It's our special.

Starting point is 00:22:38 I think you've done a good job here. Look at this, I've already caned half of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah! See. See. It's nice. It's not too harsh on the bourbon bourbon bourbon bourbon biscuits. You've got a measure of Jack Daniels in there. That's what you got. Did you not put a Jack fully one in? Yeah. Well then you've got to have to. You got that's like a two ounce pour. That's the basics. She's the basics She's the only booze that's in there isn't it because you've got only got six

Starting point is 00:23:12 Oh You got a sweater Yes, I do don't laugh at me we're recording today. What are those crisps like? Right, they kind of got a beanie aftertaste. They've got a little bit of a beany after taste. And a bit cheesy. It's that weird thing. I got this huff in my mouth from it just then. Huff. And it was a completely different flavour profile. What was that huff? I'm trying to recreate it.

Starting point is 00:23:35 There's that cinnamony. I'll do it again. That kind of cinnamony note on the bitters. Yeah, it's nice isn't it? Certainly better than just straight Jack Daniels which can be quite cloying. What you got the beat? I can smell it from here! Yeah! Mate that's weird! Yeah! You pushed a bit of a beanie crispy smell right down my nose! Right down it, I did it! It's like a gist! Oh that was horrible! Unless I'm smelling something else!

Starting point is 00:24:02 Stop doing that! No it's this, I'm huffing it your way! Don't stop to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to

Starting point is 00:24:12 do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that.

Starting point is 00:24:20 I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to beds are burning I've got a twirly-whirly panani twirly-whirly panani I'd like to see one of those Christ love your panani looks like a curly whirly I've got a curly whirly thought twatch oh I've got a batch of thought twatches is this one of the lesser known Anthony Newley songs I've got a curly whirly knob ring on I call it my twangy ring, and here I go and my ring is singing and I won't eat your bean flavoured crisps.

Starting point is 00:24:53 I'll just get drunk and try and fuck you. How about that? I don't want that to happen. Well then stop singing. I don't want. Have one of these. I don't want your bean flavoured crisps mate, I don't need your bean flavoured crisps mate I don't need your bean flavoured crisps today I don't want your bean flavoured crisps mate take your fucking bean crisps away from me oh why don't you want my cheese toastie baked bean crispy crisps they're gross they're gross

Starting point is 00:25:20 they're gonna be good I don't need them no more don't come round here no more why don't you want my beanie cheesy toasty crisp, they're gonna take you big for more! Oh that didn't work did it? Oh that's alright then, no it's alright! Let's play your rap back shall we? Err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err err er For me, it's 400. Have a crisp. I'll just keep saying have a crisp. Go on, have a crisp. One crisp is not going to turn the tide, is it? My mouth is all taste of an old-fashioned though.

Starting point is 00:25:52 So does mine. You still get the crisp sensation. Oh, you had a few, so that's not too much of a problem. Oh, he's mulling it over. It's going through his receptors. Yeah, you see? It's fine, isn't it? It's not too beany, but the cheese there offsets it. It's tomato

Starting point is 00:26:07 It's the beans. Yeah, no, I know it's tomato, but it's still very much baked bean flavor mad That's the profile of a baked bean, you know, because what's a baked bean? With a little cheese. Yeah, that just takes the edge off Walkers don't usually I'm not usually impressed with their stuff recently, you you know? No, there's some science going on there, wouldn't there? That's good, yeah. I'm going to have a sarni sausage. I'm going to have another one now. I love a sarni sausage as an actual thing in the world. But usually they've got some kind of overarching campaign they're trying

Starting point is 00:26:47 to... Like vote on your best one. You remember that? Yeah, there was one of that. What one of that? They don't even make that anymore. No, because no one made it because no one gave a fucking toss. We need to get hold of that fucking... What? Fucking hell mate. The fucking Beetlejuice Fanta. Yes. Well, we've got time. It only just came out. I've seen it in Asda. We'll get it in Asda. Oh, yeah. And it's... Oh, I will say this.

Starting point is 00:27:08 It's smelling these new sausage sandwich crisps. Sausage sandwich with tomato sauce. But the flavor's the profile we need to explore. Here we go. Hmm. Oh. This doesn't really work. No?

Starting point is 00:27:23 What are you getting from the niff and the crunch. It's like it's far too tomato-y for there to be any sausage in there flavor-wise. Oh, is this Heinz? Heinz ketchup. That's what it is, it's a Heinz time campaign. The mayo is Hellman's. Oh. Oh, maybe not, it might be Heinz.

Starting point is 00:27:38 No, you see, you've got a weird blind spot about Heinz mayo, haven't you? Do you remember we talked about it on the podcast and then you went into a supermarket and saw it right there? No, we said we didn't know it and then we saw it together. No, I know all about it. How's that? I don't think this has worked as much.

Starting point is 00:27:53 This is definitely a Heinz limited edition Heinz crossover season, definitely. Fine. It definitely is. They wouldn't have Hellmann's for one of them. Yeah, but they haven't promoted it as a Heinz based situation. It definitely is. Look, it says fucking Heinz on it.

Starting point is 00:28:03 Yeah, but it's not been like this is our Heinz range of shit, is it? Heinz beans, Heinz ketchup. I know! Heinz mayonnaise! But they've not come out and said this is our Heinz range of crisps. It says Heinz on the thing! Let me just say it on the thing! I know, but it doesn't actually forwardly say Heinz promotion, does it? It sort of does, Paul.

Starting point is 00:28:21 It sort of does, but they're not hanging a lantern on that point. Hanging a lantern? It's not like they're saying it's the Walkz on it. It sort of does, but they're not hanging a lantern on that point. Hanging a lantern. It's not like they're saying it's the Walkers-Heinz crossover for the ages, it's just like here's our new limited edition thing that happened to be flavoured with Heinz's sauces. I reckon they're probably made by the same Unilever or whatever it is. Yeah, it's all the same muck. I'm getting a bacon flavoured crisp smell. The smell has more bacon than the flavour. Oh but yeah, no, but there's something. There's something about the bread there.

Starting point is 00:28:45 There's something about that smell that is very reminiscent of British banger pork. Yeah, I agree. I don't think it's known to Chris though. There's wizards, aren't they? Well, taste it first. That smells like baked beans. Taste it first.

Starting point is 00:28:56 That smells like Heinz baked beans. Yeah, taste it first. And this smells like a fucking sausage, mate. Oh, I'm gonna start drinking. This smells like a sausage. I was thought at first. This smells like a sausage, mate. How about that? That smells like fish, fish sausage. I'm grabbing at my groin boys and girls. Look at that sausage. I'm not looking at it. Do you like some ketchup on this? Some

Starting point is 00:29:12 nice hindsy ketchup? Or would you prefer some daddies on this? Hey, do you want some daddies on my cock? Do you want some daddies on my cock? No I don't. I want nothing. Stop rubbing it please! This is getting really weird. I've accidentally gotten a bit firm. I want nothing. Stop rubbing it please! This is getting really wet. I've accidentally gotten a bit firm. I'm getting out of here. Go nowhere! I'd rather taste the crisps if you'd get that. I'm not touching myself no more. Eat the crisps. You fucking were. I was. I was definitely pinching Helmut.

Starting point is 00:29:42 Jesus Christ. Half the fucking old fashioned. and he's literally fucking all over himself. And we've got Famous Gruce. You can hear it on microphone. Doesn't work as well. No, it doesn't work as well. The cheesy bean one works really well. There's a bit of cheese there but not too much. There's a bit of beans there, not too much.

Starting point is 00:30:01 All convalescent are quite well in the mouth. It's not too bad though. It's flavour-. It's tangier. But it's more tomato sauce than sausage. I can't really taste the sausage. Well that's what they're trying to push because that's the Heinz thing. I think. I know it's Heinz. This was more beans than toast cheese. Yeah. You know what I mean. But you can still taste the cheese there. There's still that profile. I can't taste any sausage there. As the bishop said to the cryoboy. If you put this next to a pure just tomato ketchup flavoured crisp you'd be able to tell Maybe but I just think the tomato sauce is too domineering. Quite tangy, quite strong

Starting point is 00:30:35 I kind of would rather have preferred HP sauce and sausage sandwich. I think that would have been a better combination. But that's not made by us. Who makes HP? HP is HP right? It's KP isn't it? HP, KP, HP. KP, HP, the HQ. The HQ. The KP, KP, KP, HP. I'm agent KT. And you have to get it over months. I've got the scruffle off. And you have to buy it over months. I've got the scruffle off. Put it on the HP. You're going to say, go on, say scruffle off. Go on, say scruffle off. Oh Go on. Say Scroffalough. Ooh, Scroffalough. Not a lot. Scroffalough. Scroffalough. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh, Scroffalough.

Starting point is 00:31:11 Say yes, Uncle fucking Racist. Oh, yes. He wasn't racist, was he? Johnny Daniels, what's his name? Johnny Daniels. Jimmy John-Jam-Daniels. Scroffalough tray coming out. Patroke.

Starting point is 00:31:23 Ooh, I'm sifting through the Scruffaloft bits now! Hey! Here's the question. What happened to Martin Daniels? His son? What happened? Was he in trouble or something? No! I just want to know if he's still doing magic. He must be. Martin Daniela. No, Daniels. I want to know if he's still in entity- Yeah. Oh, is that him? That's not him.

Starting point is 00:31:41 Is it? That him? Oh, that's him. They're giving me the wrong picture there. What is Martin Daniels doing now? He used to present a show on Radio Lincolnshire, performed in Pantomime and continues to perform magic on stage. And everyone shouts, you're not your dad. Do they? No. The son of late magician Paul McDaniels.

Starting point is 00:32:03 Martin McDaniels appeared in his fart. He used to present Game for a Laugh. Was he called McDaniels? No. Why are you saying that then? Because it's funny, you know, I'm great, me. He was always one of the Grand Order of the Water Rats as well. You know who else was?

Starting point is 00:32:18 What? See, talk about my memory. Yeah. Tony Hatch. Do you remember? Which one? Tony Hatch's comedy guy or Tony Hatch's music guy? Music guy. Right, go on. He was a water rat. He was a great water rat. Remember you looked it up because Tony Hatch did a lot of music from stuff. Oh, we can book, do you want to book Martin Daniels? You can book him today. As the son of the world famous entertainer and magician Paul Daniels, Martin Daniels has long held his own dreams of stepping into the live stage why does he hold his dreams in his mid 50s mate how

Starting point is 00:32:48 long a dream you want to stretch this out well family pedigree second to none he briefly presented game for a laugh in the 80s that's probably when like Matthew Kelly fucked off or whatever yeah Daniel's his son in the 80s? Yes. He must have been in his 20s? Yeah, very likely. He must be older than mid 50s. There's a Frantic Planet video about Saturday Superstore and Paul Daniels has asked the question, is there anyone else do magic in your family? And he goes, no, no, no, no one does magic in my family. Just me, just me. And yet a year later, Martin Daniels banging around go the children variety show with all this shit and doing magic.

Starting point is 00:33:33 Do you think they might have had a difficult relationship then? No, I just think, I think personally, Paul Daniels didn't want all of his family in magic. It's a tough game, isn't it? It's a very tough game. And he was one of the best practitioners. He was very active politically. So was he? Well he was like head of the the circle wasn't he? The British chapter of the magic circle and

Starting point is 00:33:52 stuff. I don't know. He was very much into the profession and you know the professionalism of magic wasn't he? Hey he's performed. You know he did that record that we sent to Paul Zenon. Oh yeah, the Magic Record. You know, he's all into the professionalism of it. Oh, fear the Lord. Even though he had a really annoying persona. Martin Daniels has enjoyed considerable success in the world of television broadcasting, fulfilling several engagements as a TV presenter. And then he talks about how he performed to 150,000 people at Hyde Park

Starting point is 00:34:26 as part of VE Day concert. But they didn't come for him! They didn't go Have you fucking heard? Martin Daniels is on stage doing a show! It's like no, they booked 25,000 fucking people for this show. He was one of them. And got to... It was a... What's the audience? They were a captive audience, weren't they? What's that you're talking about?

Starting point is 00:34:43 Talking about Martin Daniels. Fuck off, Martin Daniels Well enough of him. Oh not a lot. Not my dad. How much was Debbie McGee left in the will? I bet him and McGee. Not a lot. I'd like to see some fucking fanfic. Is Debbie McGee his mum? Yeah. No. No. No. No. No. They could have fucking done it then. It'd be alright. You think Paul Daniels and Debbie Daniels did it? Fucking riding in some of Paul's old like stage stuff. Do you want a bit of this? Cut a woman in half? I'll cut your woman in half.

Starting point is 00:35:14 Oh, gross. Dirty boy. No, not in half. It's a good question, isn't it? So was Paul Daniels married before? And then he married Debbie Daniels. Debbie McGee. All I know is they done Debbie dirty after his death. Debbie does Dallas. Dirty does Debbie. They did do Debbie dirty after his death. Endubs did Debbie dirty damn badly in Dallas.

Starting point is 00:35:35 They did do Debbie dirty after Daniels' death. They did do dirty Daniels. Debbie was done dirty after the time. Oh look, oh look, oh everybody. What's his name? It's a... Mike Knight. The Mike Bat. you're. Debbie was done dirty. Oh, everybody. What's his name? It's uh the the Mike the Mike the Mike Bat expert. Here, do

Starting point is 00:35:51 you want to taste this old fashioned? Rogan? Go on Rogan. Have an old fashioned. We're not doing a podcast. This isn't a podcast. Did you like it? Do you like it? It's nice, isn't it? That's the Angostura. Angostura's bitters bit of onions, bit of sugar and a JD.

Starting point is 00:36:05 Can you try to fuck that soda up a bit more? I'm not going to. I'm not making anything on there. Oh dear, it's a bit frantic this, isn't it? It's a bit long of a shit there. Alright, I'm taking it off. I won't fuck up the sofa anymore. It's all gotten a bit awkward in here now, ladies and gentlemen. He's drinking the drinks though. No, he's finishing it off, hasn't he? He's tapped it out.

Starting point is 00:36:22 What do you think about Martin Daniels? Martin Daniels? Paul Daniels' son? Do you think he accepts the baby? Yeah, as a Mike Batt expert, you should know about the Daniels' fear. Do you know he's remastering all of his works recently? Because he, Mike Batt. I bet he doesn't do Children of Tomorrow. Don't finish this off, it is very nice. Oh, you dirty bastard. He's come in here and he's... Oh, he's just sitting in here isn't he? He's sitting down now. He's just welcomed himself in. Alright. What are you going to do with that? Put it on the table?

Starting point is 00:36:50 I'm going to make sours as well with scotch. Oh dear. I need to come through, I need to come in. Alright, alright. Let's do that, we'll pause. We can pause if you want. We're not making a podcast anyway. We're not making a podcast. Let's pause it now. Oh look, he wants to make a podcast so badly. I want to drain out podcast so badly. Sugar and

Starting point is 00:37:06 JD and bourbon. Yeah. And orange. All right we're taking a break because we've got to get some records I'm gonna go and pause it now. Let's just Jack Daniels. Right we're back in the room but when this this is not a podcast, what's fucking wrong with you? I put a bit of grouse in my glass and give it the sugar. Don't do that. You ruin it. You're smashing grouse about. I haven't added it to the fashion sour. Hey! Don't grouse.

Starting point is 00:37:44 As in complain. Oh, that's strange. When you add sugar to like just whiskey it's kind of like very sweet. It takes the edge off but like at the same time it's kind of makes it really drinkable. It's nasty whiskey. Is grouse bad? Yeah. But all the adverts go, oh be nice, a scratch. It's cheap shit rock up anyway I'll try and improve it by making a sour with a sour with it It went down a pipe I'm gonna make you a sour I've got a thumb up and a limca which is a lime and lemon flavored oh by the Coca-Cola company lime and lemon I mean that would be your sweet and sour wouldn't it for your mix

Starting point is 00:38:36 no like sprite it is what people fucking use in it with the sweet sour you can't do it you'll fuck up a sour fuck you fuck your sour up Might have drunken a bitch. You've drunk too much already. What was thumb up Cola? Oh Special edition can who's that man on the front then? I don't know him who's that man? Coca-Cola bought this as well. Who's to fan? TOOFAM soft nani to fan It's what it says! Soft Narny Toofan. I'm gonna look it up.

Starting point is 00:39:09 Errr... N-A-H-I-N... Paul, I've got my own soft drink, thank you. Toofan. Look what I've got here for myself. I-A-E-L-I-Z-God is Red Bull, I-A-E-L-I-Z-God is Red Bull. Oh, his name is...

Starting point is 00:39:22 Still Red Bull. Is Toofan a copy? He's a man. He's a stunt man. What's this? Not a soft drink but 2fanSRK is back with action stunts to give the message of thumbs up strong in the latest ad. Bollywood King, Shah Rukh Khan. That's right. That's the um. We've done this on the show before. Indian stuff, yeah. It was meant to be an Indian um, answer to Coca-Cola, but now is ironically been bought out by Coca-Cola.

Starting point is 00:39:51 Do you remember? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh well my memory can't be that bad can it? Because I remember these things. Oh okay, so 2Fan, T-O-O-F-A-N. Tarantino endorsed it. Yeah, blessed. Tarantino said he...

Starting point is 00:40:02 What? Tarantino endorsed it. Why? Because of what what foot or something? What do you say Tarantino because of that thing where he chops the thumb off and what seen that? It's what he chopped the thumb off as a guy It's like a remake of a hitchcock thing where is it the guy says if you can do this The zip-o-lighter lights it five times in a row. Yeah, you get a thousand dollars Yeah, but if you miss I cut me cut your thumb off Yeah, what is he cut your thumb off. I cut your thumb off. Yeah, what is that from?

Starting point is 00:40:26 Tarantino did a remake of it or something. Yeah, what is that from? A script did a remake of it. Is that from Inglorious Basterds or something? No, it's got Tarantino vibe to it, doesn't it? Why does that ring a bell? Because he did a remake. He wrote. It was like a TV show. Is it in Kill Bill?

Starting point is 00:40:39 No, it's in something. It's in something that isn't one of his films. Oh, I don't want to care. Anyway, two's in something. It's in something. It isn't one of his films. Oh, I don't want to care. I don't care. Anyway, two fans means Storm. And he's the man who's on the can is a Bollywood actor and stuntman. And he's a stuntman. He does stunts. Well, he's Mr. Stuntman. But I don't think the drink itself is anything special.

Starting point is 00:40:58 I think it's just him on the can saying, Oh, look, I endorse this. Yeah. He's an Indian man. David Beckham. He looks a bit like David Beckham, doesn't he? He's a very handsome cunt, I'll say that for him. Look at him. Oh, good. He's got a hooded... What does SRK stand for?

Starting point is 00:41:15 The commercial then... Oh, that's his name. He's on... In a commercial, he's on a train performing some intense and gritty action. The film ends with him chugging down a thumbs up and turning the bottle upside down, which is a symbolic of the hashtag Palat Day narrative, which was built up last year with the Olympics campaign.

Starting point is 00:41:35 They really are big in India then, thumbs up. Yeah, I guess so. Well, it's owned by Coke, as you quite rightly said, so. But I think we looked at it and originally it was developed to be a competitive. Alternative, yeah. Yeah. Well. It's a bit saltier than normal cola. It's got that weird salty... Yeah. Try it. What's our next drink? I want to drink more. Do you want the grouse? I'm making you sour. There's a grouse, mouse, about this house. The, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the hoots man right you don't put the yolk in you only put the white in i know do you know how you're doing it do you know how you do it you should have used the mug that i got you with the snot remember i'm just gonna yeah because it pours out all the goo and keeps the egg in oh he's he's

Starting point is 00:42:19 uh breaking the egg up that's good of you innit you've got a bit breaking eggs has anyone ever said that to you before you're good at breaking eggs. Has anyone ever said that to you before? You're good at breaking eggs up. Uh-oh. Take it all back. Has the yolk gone in? No, but I think a little bit of something went in. But whatever. Moving on. Moving on.

Starting point is 00:42:35 I need something to put this in. Put it in that plastic glass that used to have the icing. No, I can't. No. Well, then there's nowhere to put it then, is there? Put it in an empty bag of crisps. Rogan Cain won, didn't he? Can you? Oh fuck sake. I'll just do everything shall I?

Starting point is 00:42:49 Because this yoke broke but I don't think it went in but the yoke actually disassembled itself somehow. Am I going to put it on a bed of crisps so it doesn't soak it up? No I've emptied it all out just so you can put the whole yoke in. Right. Now does that look OK? That looks like just the white in there. Have a little look in there. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 00:43:08 It's just the white. All right, yeah. There's nothing in there to cause offense. I'm wondering if I should have a wank. Should that give me the first mind to have an actual orgasm on a... Has anyone had an orgasm on a podcast? I'm sure they have.

Starting point is 00:43:23 I'm gonna look that up now as well. Oh, fucking shut up. Okay Google, has anyone had an orgasm on a podcast? I bet someone has. Google's just gonna try and sell you sex toys now. Does anyone know the name of the story the woman told about running a marathon in San Francisco and she was pooping her pants and orgasmed. Well that wasn't what I was expecting. It's not what I was expecting. It's all from Reddit as well. Well I'm gonna be the first then. For 400 I'm going to reach orgasm. Would you like to... This isn't 400. You're... Oh yeah. You've completely fallen apart. Well you're giving me nothing and I have to keep... What am I meant to give you? Just something. Can you just reject any idea I have that's fucking creative? Go on, have an idea.

Starting point is 00:44:07 Alright, hello. I'm Mr.... You're gonna start wanking. I'm not gonna start wanking. That was my little naughty duck, Alastair. Oh well, I've got something for him. Yeah? Maybe he wants to come out of it. No, what's this coming now? I don't know. What. Yeah? Maybe he wants to come over here. Quack, quack, quack. No. Quack, quack. What's this coming now? I don't know. What's happening? It's the fucking scuffle off of us. Trey's coming out.

Starting point is 00:44:30 Okay. It needs some noise. Quack, quack. No. That's the duck. Quack, quack, quack. No, not, oh, but God, don't do that. You know you do that.

Starting point is 00:44:39 Bop, bop, bop. What does your other half think about you? You reflexively go, bap, bap, bap... You literally make that noise with your mouth all the time. You love it. Like an old man. I do not. I really make my skin fall. Why is it after what we record you always say, mate, that's the funniest thing you do. You should do it more often. I never say that.

Starting point is 00:44:57 And sometimes you say, Paul, you should orgasm on the podcast. You should do that. It's not a podcast. This is 400 and you say that every week. I'm going to orgasm on the podcast. You should do that. It's not a podcast. This is 400 and you say that every week. I'm going to orgasm. No one cares at all. Are you a noisy man when you orgasm? Are you allowed or quite not? We're not talking about this. We're not talking about this now. Oh God. What kind of person are you?

Starting point is 00:45:22 This is the content everyone loves. I'm silent really by and large. Who cares? If it's really good I go like that. Who cares? A lot of people listening want to know what we're like in bed. I think about what you're like in bed. I know you're a dickhead. And I kind of feel like you're like a little mouse.

Starting point is 00:45:41 I get the impression you're like a little... Do you want me to make you this fucking sour or not? Yeah. Well fucking clean up the talk. Try another drink. My ice is melting. Try a different drink. Try the thumbs up or something, okay?

Starting point is 00:45:53 Oh, should I try the thumbs up? Yeah, taste a soda whilst I fucking make a fucking... Do you want to make it in this glass that I've already been using? No, I'm gonna have to put the soda... Listen, drink some... I have to put lemon juice, don't I? Now, do you remember when you made that sour variation? Was it one part lemon...

Starting point is 00:46:13 Mood slime cocktail. You can hear in, I think it was like last year's Halloween or whatever. How about you wank? Careful with my egg water. Egg water? How wank in it? How about that? See that?

Starting point is 00:46:30 You thought that was slightly funny when I said egg water so you had to repeat it. Yeah. Everyone's on to you. Every time I say something funny you repeat it immediately. Yeah, you know what I can do though? Edit your stuff out, keep my stuff in. You never do that. I know.

Starting point is 00:46:42 You're shameless. Now that proves, if anything else, that I'm aware that I like to show you that I'm an honest theft man. An honest theft man, yeah. A thief. That's known as a thief. A thief if you want to call it a thief. If you want to call it a theft man. If you want to call it a thief, you can. I am, but I'm a theft man. You're a theft man.

Starting point is 00:46:59 Here comes the theft man. You know what you are? Theffin. You're a bum man. Oh! Oh! What does that mean? You're a bum man. I like bums are? Theffing. You're a bum man. Oh! What does that mean? You're a bum man. I like bums. I am a bum. You're a bum that likes bums. I like bums. You go out on the street, you live out on the street and you like bums. Oh, like that kind of bums as well. Yeah. It's very distasteful. And also when you ask for a cigarette. You're

Starting point is 00:47:20 right. This hasn't got a little kind of salty note to it, does it? It's because it's for the Indian subcontinent. Yeah, where they have, that's more of their flavour profile and stuff, isn't it? Often they have a more salty sweets, like their lasi's, their yogurt, mango lasi has a saltiness. Oh, it's aromatic this. It is a cola. It's got a sort of masala. It's got like herby, floral, organic notes to it, which is really quite nice. Is it slightly more salty. It's like a logo. I

Starting point is 00:47:46 Like it. I actually really like thumb ups thumbs up or whatever it's called. Oh I know you mean you don't I mean it's got this kind of like like her Almost earthiness like time or basil or kind of things like that to it a bit more of that. Yeah than a normal coke That's for sure Different I actually quite like thumbs up. It's a bit different, isn't it? What was the... God, I'm hot.

Starting point is 00:48:11 What was the... I shouldn't have worn thick jeans. But it was raining when I left. Thick jeans. Yeah, thin jeans. These are quite thick and elastic-y. You've done it again. What the fuck am I wrong?

Starting point is 00:48:21 Thick jeans. They are thick. I've got... All jeans are the same width, mate. No, they're not. I've got lighter then. I'm looking it up. You're so full of shit Thick jeans. What you meant is tight jeans. You shouldn't have put tight jeans. They're not tight. They're elasticated. I don't like the elastication I'm gonna say that for a fucking fact. Well, that's fine. You should have said that. I want relaxed. I shouldn't have put on any elasticate. But I go into a jean shop and all I see are like super tight, thin, But I go into a jean shop and all I see are like super tight, thin, stink skinny stretch. You haven't been in a jean shop in several years.

Starting point is 00:48:48 I went to Primark and got these jeans a few months ago. When was the last time you went to a jean shop then? Last year. Did you? Yeah. What did you buy? Some Levi's. Did you?

Starting point is 00:49:01 Yeah. I hope you can live with yourself. Paul! Make a sour! I'm making a sour! You're talking shit at me! I need you can live with yourself. Paul! Make a sour! I'm making a sour! You're talking shit at me! I need you to tell me. You're a boring man.

Starting point is 00:49:14 You need to tell me what was the ratio on the sour. Don't smell your shirt. It's clean. The ratio of the sour in terms of lemon juice to sugar. It was, hang on let me get this. So how much does a jigger usually hold? I know there's British and American definitions but how much does it usually, it was like 30, was it 30 mils? That's two ounces. Yeah so I think it was two to one so it was more booze than the

Starting point is 00:49:41 syrup so it was like two to one if that makes sense. but what about lemonges also one part lemonges that was one it was one one and two for the booze so yeah that sounds about right okay see daddy gannon knows i'm gonna take all my clothes off don't i need the jigger please i don't know where it is you brought it all you keep talking to me as if i've moved stuff and i've not touched a thing for these very same reasons that I'm just like if I touch anything he'll complain so I'm not going to touch anything. I wish I'd bought some chocolate. I want some chocolate now. All I've got is booze and this uh, Sarsac is black mulberry. Do you want me to taste it? Yeah. I've got windy pops now mate as well from all the bubbles. You've got windy pops now. Hey, are you still listening? Why? This isn't a

Starting point is 00:50:30 podcast. Go and listen to 400 on YouTube. This will be very disappointing for people. But that's just the way we've planned it. Oh, I like the smell of this a lot. Oh, I like the smell of this a lot. Oh, what is this? Sorry kids extra black mulberry and black currant flavored carbonara drink. Oh, that's nice. That's really quite delicate and quite nice. I'm actually surprised by that. Very juicy. I've got my juice glands going. The saliva building in my mouth off the juice glands going. I've got the saliva building in my mouth off the back of that. Meanwhile by the way ladies and gentlemen Eli is squeezing lemon into a jigger. This is really nice. Have you had this before? Have you had this? I haven't tasted so many of these. 100% beet sugar as well. Weird. You don't see that very

Starting point is 00:51:21 often do you? Is used in the production. You don't see that very often in beet sugar, do you? But I can understand why, because it keeps it very, for want of a better phrase, like purpley. It's a purpley flavor going on. No, that's nothing to do with it. That has nothing to do with the color. Purple has a flavor in my mind when I think of the word purple. It's purple because of the mulberry and the blackberry.

Starting point is 00:51:40 Yeah, but the beetroot sugar is part of that purpley aesthetic. No, it's not. What color is the beetroot, Mr. Silverman? Purple, but the sugar they get. Thank of that purple aesthetic. No, it's not. What colour is the beetroot, Mr Silverman? Purple, but the sugar they get... Thank you, I totally need to hear from you. The defence rests. The defence rests.

Starting point is 00:51:50 The sugar they get out from it isn't purple. You'll be in contempt of court if you keep on talking, Mr Silverman. Tonight in the slammer. I like this, this could be working good. Can you help me? This drink's too complicated. I would love to help you mate but I don't know what you want me to help you with come on put the jigger in the egg yolk there you go lime lemons gone in now what else you put in

Starting point is 00:52:15 the straight yeah the grenadine is that shelf stable yeah but is it shelf stable does it get rots no I reckon No, because it's got high sugar content. I reckon the rum and honey thing's got high sugar in it. I mean, that's just disgusting. Tom gave us this two and a bit years ago. And it gets you wrecked. It will be off. 20% Volca-Hol 70 Cl- What's Cl?

Starting point is 00:52:40 Cl... I don't know. Isn't she got lovely... Centilitres. Centilitres. Centilitres. What's a centiliter? It's a hundredth of a litre. Nah, it sounds all very fishy to me.

Starting point is 00:52:51 Your dick. He's gone outside now, I don't know why. Let me see if people have been talking about us. We put the video link up. Is the video blocked outside the UK? Oh, don't know. Hope not. I'm writing back to Yvonne. I'm posting it at three minutes past seven on Tuesday, Monday.

Starting point is 00:53:12 Yeah, London live interview. You can watch it online probably. Maybe it's on our website, I don't know. It might be blocked outside the UK. That fucking sucks. Oh, and someone's done a copy. Yay, Le Layton J on Twitter at dessert confetti has done a copy of it or something save for all

Starting point is 00:53:33 time cheap show on London live well-deserved moment in the limelight that's good of you Eli resists the urge to make a reference to Esther Ransons that's life well that's good he's put it up on something or other. That's good, thank you for that. That means more people can see it outside the UK if you're American or American. That's good then. Alright, anyone else said left messages? Let's check Instagram shall we?

Starting point is 00:53:57 I'm checking that because we've had a few comments. Nick Helms says good, that's good for him isn't it? And Millie's Cosplay, thank you Millie's. What cosplays do you do? Oh, them ones, they're good. Yeah, they're good. And we got a message and that's all good. Yeah mate, so apparently you can't see it outside the UK.

Starting point is 00:54:17 London Live. No, but Leighton J the guy who follows comedy and stuff and supports us, they've put it up on YouTube, they've gripped it and put it up so anyone can watch it now. So there you go, now you can watch us on telly. Not making an absolute fool of ourselves, which is what you could argue we're doing now.

Starting point is 00:54:36 What are you doing? Getting the ice ready. Right, so you've put the egg in and you've put the lemon juice in and you've put the grenadine in into the shaker. Now what are you doing? Dry shake. Oh no, I need to put the booze in. Yeah, you've got to put the lemon juice in and you put the grenadine in into the shaker now what are you doing? dry shake oh no I need to put the booze in yeah you've got to put the booze in you want this booze?

Starting point is 00:54:51 oh there you go and he puts in the famous grus have you got a glass ready? it's there yeah that one I do they're done I do no you need to take the peel out of there. John peel.

Starting point is 00:55:07 Come on John peel. And take the ice out as well. Oh really? Put it in your mouth. There's only a little bit, I'm going to rest it. Don't put it there. Don't put it there. You don't even know what I'm going to do with it yet.

Starting point is 00:55:20 Don't put it anywhere that isn't this bold. In my mouth. This bold. I'm going to put it in my mouth. Oh now it's in my mouth and it's cold yet. Don't put it anywhere that isn't this bowl. In my mouth. This bowl or your mouth. I'm gonna put it in my mouth. Oh, now it's in my mouth and it's cold. I don't like it. I don't like it. Look, it's so cold for my mouth, isn't it?

Starting point is 00:55:33 I don't like this in my mouth. I don't like it in my mouth, Mr Filmore. What does that mean? Get the egg going. Now, this will froth up and it will ice is very cold oh look at him he's gonna reach orgasm in a minute look at him look at him look at him look at him at work stroking up and down hard hard give you a look at that right oh that's nice and foamy now I need to put some ice in who said I didn't need ice? no but I need the ice the ice? Why can't I leave this ice in? Oh in this

Starting point is 00:56:12 strip okay yeah thought you meant in the glass you're not very clear when you talk about stuff are you? I invented this reality so now he's shaking up the ice with the booze with the lime. It's quite an impressive show. Imagine if Eli had a massive dip and he was giving it the full beans. That's what you're looking at. I'm sorry if this episode's offensive to people who think it's a waste of time because we've dialed this in.

Starting point is 00:56:42 Well we haven't. Just kicking back. Because we put a lot of effort into 400 right here we go and the glass is still quite cold here we go that's looking a lot of effort didn't it you're out of breath out of breath mate from shaking a cocktail oh yeah because you haven't got the uh spout thing or anything have you so you're having to oh it's quite a what colors like a pinky color really yeah yeah it's very foamy in it save some for yourself mate don't forget yourself right I'm gonna have this right so this is what this is

Starting point is 00:57:19 grenadine grouse no bitters just egg yolk and lemon juice mmm it is very foamy I'm wondering if you let it settle for a bit before I drink it no all right well I'm gonna drink it yeah it's true I'm gonna give it here we go kind of milkshake it's kind of nice oh oh not a lot I don't know why I'm Paul Daniels in my fucking head today is he in your head boys and girls ladies and gentlemen bagels and belly spurgers we're just kicking back here I don't know what you're doing maybe you're enjoying this I don't know why would you why would you hey I mean I guess we have tossed this off because I'm barely going to edit this but once we get back to 401,

Starting point is 00:58:05 we're gonna be back at it slick as fuck because we put a lot of effort into 400 and so I think we are legally allowed to kind of knock this one out. This isn't a podcast. It's not, is it? I've got me little bottle of Jack Daniels as well. Put that in there like that.

Starting point is 00:58:20 And I think this is nice. I think this is actually surprisingly pleasant. It's just a formula. This is just a whole family. It's only really the syrups that affect the flavor, and I think this is nice I think this is actually surprisingly pleasant it's only really the syrups that affect the flavor isn't it at the end of the day really ultimately what that only makes it different from a standard whiskey sour yeah that's the only the grenadines yeah because that would just be a straight up whiskey sour would just be in place of the grenadine would just be a simple syrup.

Starting point is 00:58:45 Yeah. Of just sugar. So what's that like? Lemony, sweet, sour. It's got a, it's got a kind of strawberry, a kind of rhubarb strawberry flavor profile. That's the syrup. Because look.

Starting point is 00:58:56 Obviously. Look at this grenadine. See that's got raspberries. Oh yeah, no it's nice. So it's very fruity, very berry forward. But what I like about it is the texture and the boozy aftertaste. Well that's what the egg white is about. That's why you get it all foamed up. So it can have got this nice frothy foamy element to it.

Starting point is 00:59:14 Ooh! Yeah, it's vanilla. That's the vanilla. It's got vanilla notes, that's it, innit? But also the booze is still there. You can still tell it's a very boozy drink. Are we going to stop the recording now? Oh, I don't know. I think we should, I mean, this isn't 400. You can do.

Starting point is 00:59:30 Oh, I was gonna, yeah. What? I'll tell you about the Well Sharp. Oh, go on, tell us about the Well Sharp, which, as you know, is something we talk about in the episode 400 that is on YouTube. This isn't 400. This is a shit show of us just getting drunk. And I'm enjoying it because I like

Starting point is 00:59:47 I am enjoying it. You're terrible. Why am I terrible? If I'm so terrible, how have we lasted fucking nine years and 400 episodes, eh? If I'm that terrible. You're doing this on purpose when I can't respond. Exactly. It's good. You shouldn't start a conversation when you're halfway out the door then, should you? You daft saucy boy. Erm... What else? Erm, I've forgotten what I was going to say now. But yeah, no, I don't know how we're ending this. Eh? I don't know.

Starting point is 01:00:15 Could be forever. I'm talking to myself now because he's gone. I don't know what to do. Oh, he's talking about the Welsh Harp and he left the room. I thought that might have been something that he could do right now without having to go anywhere. Oh no, he's reading the book. Ah yeah, I found the book at work at the radio station I work at. They bring along books, sometimes pretend to read them and they go into a barrel and

Starting point is 01:00:39 I pull one out of the barrel and I go, oh, I want that. So I got him a book about Edgeware Road, the history of Edgeware Road from like Romans and shit, and then right up to present day. So I gave him that book and as a result, one of the chapters in there has something to do or mentions the Welsh Harp. So he's come back with a book and he will now go into detail of the passage.

Starting point is 01:00:58 I've explained the book and you can just get straight into the passage. Get straight into the passage. Oh, mate, you've dropped your ice. It's very inappropriate. Go on. The nudists. Oh, what about the nudists? The nudists of the Welsh Harp.

Starting point is 01:01:15 Why is that in a book about Edgeworth Road? Because it's near, just shut up. Edgeworth Road is nowhere near. Yes, it's very near. It's nowhere near. Will you shut up and listen? How many miles are there between the Welsh Harp and Edgeware Road? It literally goes along the side of it. It goes along the side of the Welsh Harp.

Starting point is 01:01:35 The road known as Edgeware Road. How long is Edgeware Road then? It's a long road. It's known Roman Road. That's why there's a whole book about it. It doesn't go to Brent Cross though, does it? Yes it does. Do you want to hear this or not? Go on. I'm not impressed. I'm just going to drink this drink, tinkity tink.

Starting point is 01:01:51 Can you? The Welsh Harp is just after where the Edgeware Road crosses the capital's Inner Ring Road. The North Circular. Yeah. It's a reservoir. Does the Edgeware Road go that far north? I mean, you're really testing my patience here. Why. It's a reservoir. Does the Edgeware Road go that far north? I mean, you're really testing my patience here.

Starting point is 01:02:07 Why? It's a question! Well, I mean, I just read it from the book, didn't I? That's called Edgeware Road and it said something about Edgeware Road. Yeah, but on the map, Edgeware Road doesn't go all the way up there, does it? It does. So if I'm on Edgeware Road at the train station, the tube station, I just go north from there, Edgeware Road will take me without any deviation or going into the road It will take me directly to the Welsh Har. It's just after where the Edgeware Road crosses the North Circular It's called the A something by that point. That's what you're asking. Yes, but it is still the Edgeware Road

Starting point is 01:02:35 Okay, but it's probably signposted as the A whatever it is. Can you? I am listening It's a reservoir created by the damming of the Brent and Silk Stream in 1834 to provide water for the Grand Union Canal. The planners called it the Brent or Kingsbury Reservoir, but local people knew it by the name of a pub that once stood there. Now the Ordnance Survey has followed suit. The Harp and Horn was renamed the Welsh Harp in 1803 by the Midland Railway and the Midland Railway copied it when they built a station beside it.

Starting point is 01:03:12 They did initially, didn't they? And it's that both of those things have now since gone, the station and the pub. But the name remains. Neither the pub nor the station are there anymore. The station was pulled down in 1903 and the pub was demolished in 1971. Oh wow, okay. In plans to extend the M1 motorway into London. Fucking, the motorways ruined a lot of London, didn't they?

Starting point is 01:03:30 Well that's the bit where the M1 starts right there. Even the ring road you said. Crazy Junction. You remember the Crazy Junction? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But even you said the ring road was like absolutely destructive to the urban, the suburban parts of out of London. The North Circular was.

Starting point is 01:03:44 Yeah, North Circular.. The North Circular, yeah. Yeah, North Circular. The Midlands thought the station would appeal to London as escaping the capital. Right. The Penny Illustrated's Holiday Notes in 1869 reported that a holiday in Hendon is quite a recognised cockney treat. Is it?

Starting point is 01:04:00 Wasn't Epping Forest also a cockney treat for? They're all cockney treats, aren't they? I guess they are. when you're stuck in... I've got a pair of cockney treats. Treacle. Yeah, have you got a cockney treat? I've got a pair of cockney treats for you, Treacle. Cockings and Welks.

Starting point is 01:04:16 It's really neat for that. They're doing the racing round here. They're doing... Motocross or whatever. It's the Fast and the Furious. What's that thing about the Isle of Man where people go round and round and round? What's that? A race.

Starting point is 01:04:27 I'll take it. Grand Prix, I don't know, I hate all that. Grand Prix. Recognise Cockney Tree. Locals had bathed there since the reservoir was created. Something we know from church records. They report that four teenage boys drowned there in the summer of 1835.

Starting point is 01:04:42 14 eight year old boys? What did you say? Four teenage boys. Four teenage boys. Yeah? Four teenage boys. Not 14 eight-year-old boys. Four candles. That's what I thought you said. That's a tragedy. It's a tragedy anyway. Nah, it's not that many. One while trying to rescue the others, that's always awful. So one goes, oh I'm drowning, I'll come and get you. And then now we're both drowning. Alright I'll come and get you now we're all drowning. Fourth one at that point goes alright then now I'm drowning and then they all drown. Only one drowned trying to save the other three. So only one drowned.

Starting point is 01:05:16 I don't know why this point has really been the one that caught you up. You're very you're not very clear. I'm reading from a book! Well then the author's not very clear. What's his name? What's the author's name? Leo Woodland. Fuck you Leo. Read, write better books. I think it's Leo actually. Leo. Leo. He write a book and it's not that clear. The reservoir is crossed by a road called Cool Oak Lane. Beep beep Apart from there led down to Sandy Cut. Who what? Sandy Cut. Sandy Cut. It's hard to say where that was but it's possibly now a car park.

Starting point is 01:05:53 A local man was happy to... Everywhere's a car park in fucking Brent Cross. A local man was happy to allow sunbathed and swimmers to enjoy themselves there. The poor bathed dressed when they could but naked when more likely they didn't have clothes to get wet. Word spread. I like how you read something. You get a little tooth. Word spread and by 1930 committed naturists joined them. And it was then that the the row started.

Starting point is 01:06:24 A couple spotted them as they walked home from church, and in the tradition of the times, the man wrote to the local paper, saying, I saw some nudists. Why is naked sunbathing permitted in the Welsh Harp Reservoir without some enclosure, where sexual maniacs can perform out of view of the most respectable members of the community? Ugh. On Sunday evening last, my wife and myself were walking across from the old Kingsbury

Starting point is 01:06:48 Church to Edgeware Road, Paul, Edgeware Road. All right, got it. And we're... Oh. Half way over, when we came upon a bunch of stark naked men hanging around the water side, hardly a pleasant sight for a man to have to pass with his wife. Oh fuck off. She was fucking eyes on stalks. She was like, oh look at them. Look at those cockles of whelks. He added, even the lower types of native covers himself.

Starting point is 01:07:21 Oh here we go. Fucking here we go. And were coloured men committing this offence, half the folk in Kingsbury would want them lynched. That still unfortunately stands as an accurate statement. More letters followed. The racism in were coloured men committing this offence is clear. Loris James, a historian, writes, Prejudices mingled in the outcry of onlookers who were horrified to see white girls swimming close to two very dark-skinned men it's all going down and they're well sharp isn't it? Race riots and all sorts it was all that local people could hope for now they could gawp and be offended at the same time hypocrisy abounded two days of fracas in the quiet days of

Starting point is 01:08:03 summer made the national, as well as the local papers, crowd turned up to bait and bear. Beat. To bait and beat. So baits had turned up and beat people up who were in the nude? Bait and beat bathers. Off. Forty bathers. Forty bathers were beaten off. Were they? Lucky them. The local paper reported, when the sunbathers began to dress the crowd surged among them and angry words were followed by blows. Yeah, they're beating them up. They're being sucked off.

Starting point is 01:08:28 The bet... no, beating them up. He said blows. Oh, fuck off. The bathers' clothes were scattered and trampled underfoot while the pressure... Well, are they going to get clothed then? It's such a fucking problem. Don't ruin their clothes if they have to be more nude. Don't you think that makes sense?

Starting point is 01:08:44 Yeah, but they just wanted to have... It's like the riots, isn't it? Go on. Finish your book. Okay. Go on. The bathers' clothes were scattered and trampled underfoot while the pressure of the crowd was so great that people were pushed into the lake. The Daily Telegraph reported. A mob attacked a party of sunbathers, twelve of whom were women. The sunbathers, some of whom wore no clothes at all, were beaten beaten but no one was seriously injured. The crowd objected to them because children were

Starting point is 01:09:09 watching the proceedings. Further scenes prevented the following day by the presence of four policemen but despite the protection, impolite remarks were flung at members of the cult by a huge crowd which had gathered to watch them. The police told the crowd this was the private land and they had no right to interfere. Captain H. H. Vincent, secretary of the Sunray Club and the New Life Society, stated yesterday, noted note the word cult it says. Yeah. The police appeared but to maintain order not to clear the naturists away. The sunbathers they agreed were on private land and then and not visible from the footpath. Anyone offend it must have been where we were poor

Starting point is 01:09:46 yeah it must be literally where we were basically sitting yeah here's the thing did you smell old dick? if it wasn't for the mob did you smell old dick grease on the I smelled old dick yeah he always comes by that time of day ah he stinks of flat roses here's old dick

Starting point is 01:09:56 he's very floral his cock just smells like a different a cross between like a cheese sandwich and potpourri it's a very weird combination don't drink more grouse. I will do what I want. It's my life and I will live it. Do not interrupt my ideal life.

Starting point is 01:10:12 Do you want to hear the end of this article then? Yeah. I'm just waiting for you to Christ dredge through this. You read like it's such an unengaging way. I do not. It's a formality. Here's the thing though. Here's the thing.

Starting point is 01:10:24 I won't finish then. The mob kicking off draws more fucking attention to them than if they just been left alone haven't they? So let's beat these people up and then that's the point. Paul. What? I've checked out. Have ya? I'm too hot. I'm just I feel toxic to my very core. I've put a load of gin in and then. Oh, I haven't tasted that mulberry stuff Do you like the taste of it? Yeah, it's nice. I really like it. I've just put some grouse in with it. Oh It's got strawberry ice cream taste. Yeah, when you mix it with the grouse, it almost gives it a chocolatey profile Oh what the yeah, it's weird. It's coming from the Scotch that chocolatey flavor. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's not unpleasant No, that's nice. I like a chocolate note in the Scotch. That's something that it has over bourbon.

Starting point is 01:11:06 Often Scotches can be there's this nice 10 year old Ben Nevis that I had, which has a kind of chocolate finish. Just just normal single malt. I'm going to tidy up now, Paul. OK, say goodbye to them. I guess we should say goodbye. Say goodbye. Say goodbye.

Starting point is 01:11:24 Well, I don't know how that ended ended but they got the bavers or whatever. Oh look, look, look. What happened at the end of the book? They got beat up. People stopped being nude there. We should have been nude there. Except there was a bunch of kids there when we were there. One thing's for clear, one thing's for clear, Paul. One thing's for clear, mate. Well, Sharp Reservoir.

Starting point is 01:11:44 Yeah? It's very near the Edgeware Road. Well, fuck you. We've all learned something. I'm so sweaty. I shouldn't have drunk. I don't want to drink anymore. I'm going to carry on drinking. I don't think you should.

Starting point is 01:11:56 I work so hard. And I've had such a tough time. And I've been looking forward to this. Because I like kicking back with you and having a drink and talking shit. I'm sorry. I'm just not in and talking shit and my best friend in London. So sweaty. I know it's hot isn't it? Look at this.

Starting point is 01:12:11 Don't start slapping yourself in the belly please. How hard can you slap your belly? I don't, I'm not interested in this game. I know you can, you can, you do it a lot, you like to do it. I know you like to do it. He started again. You did this before on a live show, Paul, and no one was amused then.

Starting point is 01:12:27 And it brought the fucking house down, mate. It was a fucking moment to be alive. It was not. It was, it was a moment that people remember. It was a moment that lodged in their brain for the longest time. Well, it would, because it was slightly demented. Well, I do demented.

Starting point is 01:12:42 We're all, you know what? The world's full of boring fucking people, straight-laced, miserable fucking middle-of-the-road cunts who all they want to do is have everyone live their life. Well, no, live your fucking life. I'm living my fucking life, and my life involves this. It's got red. It's got red.

Starting point is 01:13:01 Stop doing that. Provided you don't hurt others or ask others to hurt you, I think... What about asking others to hurt you? I wouldn't be able to do that. In a certain situation, you wouldn't say the word... I'd actually be able to ask someone to hurt me. Yeah, but in a certain situation... I beg your pardon.

Starting point is 01:13:16 With consension. I beg your... Consension. I will allow you to... Condescension. Consension. That's not a word. Yeah, what's the word when you give consent?

Starting point is 01:13:25 Consent, yeah? Yeah. I'm giving consent to you, that's the real word. No, I don't... Slap a T, slap a T, slap a T, slap, happy 400, slap a T, slap, oh what... This isn't 400. It's not 400. 400's on YouTube, we put a lot of effort into it.

Starting point is 01:13:41 So what's going to be the number on this one? This is 400. It's not 400. It is 400. But it's not, is it? But it is, isn't it? If you call it 400, everyone's going to... It's like a side quest.

Starting point is 01:13:50 Well, don't call it 400 then. Look, if you're listening still at this point, this is not 400. It exists online. But we had to put something out this week, otherwise it's weird, isn't it? So this is it. So, first of all, I want to thank you, say... I'll tell you what, I'll say it in the episode, but I'll say it here now. The people who made this happen are people like Izzy who helped us on Barshens and Izzy helped with the camera and picking it all out and sorting it all out and getting the levels.

Starting point is 01:14:12 Then we've got Tom James from Channel 84, thank you to him for the camera work and the lighting. No, I haven't, I'll fucking drink what I want. He finished with the cola. No, but you want some. You want that Oola Dag? I haven't opened it, oh no I haven't opened want some? What about the Oola Dag? Are you done with the Oola Dag? No.

Starting point is 01:14:29 Can I have it now? No, clean away the stuff that you're eating. No, I want to drink it all. Next I want to say thank you to Tom James. I said thanks to Tom from Channel 84. Said hello to him, thank you. He did great work. Stuart Ashnew turned up on Wednesday. Thank you to him for helping with the camera work

Starting point is 01:14:47 and helping making everything all right. And then Graham, who's been editing 400, who put it all together, put all that content together. Mwah, Graham, you've done an excellent job. Thank you so much. I've got wind. Eli's gone. It's tough doing a podcast, especially when you're independent

Starting point is 01:15:09 and you don't have the backing of Bauer or Global or the BBC you know, churn out shit with well-known names if you ask fucking me and then they put it forward to British Podcast Awards and then they wank all over it because it raises their profile so everyone fucking benefits at that end, cunts. Anyway, support independent podcasts, independent YouTube channels, you know, scrappy little types with their voice trying to get heard.

Starting point is 01:15:34 Support them, because that's what it's all about, innit? Really, end of the day. Supporting the smaller voices who wish to make entertainment, especially for you. Patreon.com forward slash cheap show give what you can if you can if you want to and that's it. Eli's not coming back and Rogan's going out. Have I got any gherkins? That's a bit personal. Don't have any gherkins. Are you coming back Eli or shall I wrap this up?

Starting point is 01:16:04 It's all very strange. I guess I could finish it. He's just not here, is he? So I wanna thank Graham, Tom, Stuart, Izzy. I wanna thank Holly for the animation and the opening title sequence. And I wanna thank Hayley for the animated segments as well and Noiseland for the wonderful special 400 wrap all beautiful people all helping make cheap show

Starting point is 01:16:32 what it is helping with our identity if you've listened to us for any number of years whether it's one or nine whether you've listened to one episode or 400 episodes thank you as well because we couldn't be here without you all and now Eli's gonna come in and shit on what I said I'm wrapping it up do I say goodbye fine you don't want to say goodbye and say thank you what should I shit on what am I shitting on my goodwill and intentions do I have to say goodbye and say thank you and then we'll crack on I thought we weren't doing a podcast. We're not this isn't a podcast. Well I don't have to say goodbye or thank you to anyone.

Starting point is 01:17:08 All right bye then. I just don't. Don't say. This is how you end Paul you press the fucking butt. Don't no don't stop that I'm so sick of that and you doing that and you can't. I'm wanking off two at once. I'm wanking off two at once. Anyway to end tonight we're ending with a track by uh. Oh and you're allowed to do that. With Cindy Antbert. It is called Der Hund von Baskerville. No don't play that.

Starting point is 01:17:41 Enjoy. Yeah. You're gonna get content matched. Doesn't matter, does it? We're not quite done. Damn. Bye everyone. Bye everyone. We'll see you for 400 and what. Sorry about him. Sorry about him. Absolutely playlist cretin.

Starting point is 01:18:01 Playlist? Playlist cretin. What does that mean? Playlist? It means you don't like to play. You can't make any sense. You're a playlist cretin. I don't want to play what? Your wank mouth games. Yeah. I tell you what Paul, I don't. You've got nothing. You're literally, you're idea of a joke. You're almost 50, my friend. You're almost 50. Your idea of a joke is making that wank noise with your mouth. Yeah, but you're 50. That's your idea of a joke. And you do that. I'm not 50 yet. Yeah, but closer than I am.'s your idea of a joke. And you do that. I'm not 50 yet. Yeah, but closer than I am. I'm a good four years off.

Starting point is 01:18:27 So I don't do that. I don't make wank noise jokes with my mouth. Not once have I done that. You have. That's literally all you can think of. I'm listening to German punk. Stop. Right, fine.

Starting point is 01:18:42 You've ruined this. As you ruin everything with your bitter little melodies of loathing. Goodbye everyone, thank you for supporting us. See you next year. We're done. I've given up. I'm going to do a new podcast with Paul Makes Whank Sounds. Paul makes wack sounds.

CheapShow - Ep 400: This Is NOT Episode 400

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