CheapShow - Ep 6: Eggsy's Trick Or Treat

Episode Date: June 22, 2015

Special Guest Eggsy (from Goldie Lookin Chain) It's time again for CheapShow to wander blindly into the world of the supernatural and pray they escape with their lives with a horror special! This week the boys over use the spooky sound effects and ghostly music to bring you a show jammed packed with Halloween Goodness.... HOWL in despair as Paul rolls off more of his purifying puns! SCREAM as Eli tells a tale of vampire seductresses! GROAN with anguish with Ash Frith's tall tales of terror. SHRIEK as our special guest, Eggsy (from that Welsh Rap band you like) has to referee the world's whitest rap battle about Les Dennis. GASP with surprise as The Hadron Gospel Hour podcast interrupts the show to save all the universes! WHISPER in fear as Eli creates his own monster using Paul's face and £5 of horror make up. WAIL with fear as Eli gets possessed by the spirit of another long dead 80's comedian. CRY for your sins as all the lads chow down on a disgusting selection of "Trick R Treat" candy. And SQUEAL until you pass out as Eli's Top 3 Horror Movies discussion comes to another verbally violent conclusion! So turn out the lights, draw a candle close and pray that listening to our Halloween special is the only thing keeping you alive for one more night... Follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow or @elisnoid @ashfrith Visit our lovely website for more podcasts at www.geekatorium.net as well as find out when YOU can come to our next recording. And another BIG THANK YOU to our friends at The Hadron Gospel Hour Podcast for their awesome cameo appearance! Check them out at www.hadrongospelhour.com/ If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, join us on Facebook - just look for "The CheapShow" or "The Geekatorium"! If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, share, comment... all that jazz! Subscribe to us on Stitcher or iTunes and get weekly geeky fun WARNING *Show contains strong language and adult material

NAMASTE Ladies and zombie men, it's nearly Halloween. Or maybe it's just after. Anyway, we're in the vicinity. Ooh, it's scary. I'm Eli Dead Silverman. And here's your co-host, also dead, Paul Scary Gannon. No! Hello, my name is Paul Gannon, and that is Eli Silverman.

Hello, everyone. We have literally thousands in tonight, the Camden severed head in Camden. Yes. So we actually introduce ourselves in a way that we think seems fit, and so here's how I introduce Eli. Eli, imagine Baron Von Frankenstein was looking for body parts for his new monster, and all he could do was break into the Ron Jeremy cupboard and pull out a bunch of severed Ron Jeremy parts

and a Danny DeVito face. Put it all together, stitch it up, sap it with electricity, and then you get Eli Silverman. Right, your turn. My turn. Paul Gannon, imagine a child star. He starred in It's Only Me,

which was a short-lived Granada TV thing from the 80s, and now he's put on weight, he's doing crack, and he likes sucking rent boys off. It's Paul Gannon! So do you want to know what happened to my week this week? I had a very spooky week. Really? Yeah, with it being Halloween, I had a very spooky week.

First of all, I bumped into the Ghostbusters. Ooh. Yes, and they were going to go fell walking, but they had to stop doing that. Why? Because they're not allowed to cross the streams. What? I'm feeling disheartened all of a sudden. All right.

Well, then, later on that week, I'm walking disheartened all of a sudden. All right, well then, later on that week, I'm walking down the street, and this man runs up to me, drops his trousers, shows me his bottom, and I instantly turned into a werewolf. Why's that? Because it was a full moon. No. No. All right, okay, fine.

And then finally... Is this going to top him? This is going to be the best one, isn't it? All this stuff happened. Right. My penis got possessed. It did. The tip of my penis got possessed,

so I had to get an ex-circumcisionist in to get rid of it and he did but afterwards he had the cheek to ask for a tip and i was like you already took it mate Oh, God. What? That was my week. That really happened. Oh, good. Yeah?

Yeah. Good. What about your week? Oh, it's funny you should ask. Go on. Because it was good in a way. It was really good. But it kind of, I don't know, it's heavy.

Heavy stuff happened to me this week. Oh, God. Tell me. I was in this club, you know, late night drinking, as I do. As you do. You know, it's exclusive. This exclusive club, they call it the Tombstone. It's like a... Oh, I've heard of it, late night drinking, as I do. As you do. You know, it's exclusive, this exclusive club. They call it the Tombstone.

It's like... Oh, I've heard of it, yeah. Yeah, the Tombstone. It's in Soho. A bit of a gothy one. Huh? Gothy one. It's a bit gothy, yeah.

I'm there, you know, I've had a few whatever, Bloody Marys or whatever, and I get chatting to these ladies, and they're very nice looking, and they sort of beckon me across the bar and I start talking to them. And I'm just hitting it off brilliantly with all three. All three at once. I'm like, you know,

your instinct is to say which of these is going to be the money shot. The money shot. But all three just seem to be coming on to me. And then they say, how would you like to live forever, Eli? Holy shit. Live forever in our castle.

We've got a castle in Romania. And you can be our super dick for all time. And it turns out they're vampires. And they want to make me immortal. And I'd be a lord of the underworld. I'd be... And so I flew over there that night. They've got this private jet, all black, with scary eyes in the windows.

Obviously. And I went over there. They bit me. They anesthetized it. Yeah. It's quite modern, the way they do this vampirism lark these days. None of that sort of screaming and howling. You know, they put me under, they bit me, and now I'm immortal.

Holy shit. And I own several thousand acres of forest. And I've got a whole bunch of hot vampire ladies just looking after, not only, you know, my sexual needs and wants, but all of my finances and stuff as well. Did that really happen? No. What happened?

I went to a club and puked on a lady's shoes. Right. Good. So a typical week for you there. All right, well then, we're going to get started with our supernatural version of Blunt Force Satire. Blunt Force Satire is where we attempt to be satirical.

I have no interest in the news because it depresses me. Eli is slightly more well-read. So here is our basic setup-up, quick satire set-ups, Eli's witty, blunt responses. Are you ready? This is all stuff that's happened this week. I'm not prepared. You never do.

Yuri Geller blames psychic powers on iPhone 6 bending. What a twat he is. Look, it's like, oh, we all forgot you existed. As soon as the word... He must have sort of search bots online looking for anything that bends and then trying to fucking be responsible for it. You know what I mean?

Oh, she bent over. I did that. Oh, oh, he's bent. He's a bent copper. I'm responsible for that. Boomerangs. I did that. You know, there's some terrible bridge accident. Oh, it bent. That was me. No, hang on. That wasn't me. People died. What a twat he is.

So he shakes off all responsibility once there's death involved. It's because of people's psychic powers that they bend. Is that what he's suggesting? Everyone needs to tap their psychic potential to bend small metal objects? No.

It's not very useful, is it? No. Oh, it's an army of spoon benders. Make sure your cutlery is in a cupboard or something or get plastic right good that's fine next one Ebola victim rises from the grave as a zombie

you know see I think what's happened here is the Ebola victim wasn't actually the Ebola victim just had a bad head cold and they buried him quick smart and quick smart and he sort of came up. And they went, oh, zombie. No, it's like, it's bad diagnosis.

So you think a guy with a nosebleed got buried alive and woke up really pissed off. Yes. Which is fair enough. You'd be so pissed off, you might come across as sort of wanting to eat people's brains. Yeah, I would. You know, you'd be like, I'm angry.

I'm so angry, I'm going to bite your skull. Next one, or last one, is Dudley Castle ghost picture. Oh, I'm going to bite your skull. Next one. Our last one is Dudley Castle Ghost Picture. We could talk about this, but our regular co-contributor Ash has something on this already, so I think it's only about time we bring on our first special guest, our third member

of the Uncleekables almost, Mr. Ash Frith. Hooray! There you go. Grab a mic. So, we asked you to come along and bring some spooky stories. What did you bring? Oh, well, I'm quite proud of this lot, this little bunch. Let's start with the Dudley Castle thing,

because I think this is a particularly riveting story. Definitely the proof of ghosts, I would say. First of all, does anyone know this story? Have you heard of this story? So, the gist is, someone with a camera phone took a picture of a ghost at Dudley Castle. Dudley in Birmingham.

Dudley in Birmingham, which is already scary enough as it is as a premise for this story. Go on, you can carry on. So,

the building dates from 1071, so it's obviously haunted. Yeah. If it's old, it must be haunted. Anything older than 50 years is a haunted house. So,

when is the cut-off, by the way? Because I live in a 10-year-old house. When is that potentially going to start being haunted? As soon as some child dies there. Fuck. Then there's going to be a lot of dead babies. You better get started now. Just start hacking them up, burying them in the garden,

making it a future-proof for sales. I've got a haunted house it's very good full of dead babies yeah I just think it's you know the older something is the more likely

lots of people died angrily yeah Mike yeah that's horrible I used to live in a very old pub I've gone off the issue

I lived in a 700 year old pub not a 7 year old pub you live in a 700 year old pub I used to I used to live in a 700 year old pub my bedroom overlooked a graveyard do you know how many ghosts I saw? Two.

None. No ghosts. I was thinking you'd see a load of ghosts. No, there weren't any. Did you ever see anything else creepy in the graveyard at night? My grandad. He was there. What was he doing?

Digging away. Oh, digging away. I don't know. Did he have a hobby? Yeah, looking for his old wife. All right. All right, good. So, yeah. So, that's a hobby? Yeah, looking for his old wife. Right. All right, good. So, yeah, so he's...

So, Dadley Castle. Yeah, go on. Dadley Castle. Built in 1071 in Birmingham. Amy Harper, 28. I don't know why you need to know her name, but it's in brackets. I think her name is in fame now.

She visited with her husband, Dean. And they... Yeah, fair enough, Dean. It's not the best name. Dean Harper. Dean Harper. And they decided to take some pictures, so the story goes. It all checks out so far.

It's all legit. Yeah, do it in a Birmingham accent. Do it in a Birmingham accent. Can you do it? Okay. The building dates from... No. No.

I told you it's Adrian Childs. Arsenal, just have a good chance. I can't do it. Dudley tell you to A.J. Childs. Yeah. Arsenal just haven't got a chance. It's not his. I can't do it. Dudley. Dudley. Dudley. Dudley works.

Dudley goes. Amy Harper, 28. She's an old lady in Dudley. You don't live that very long there. She visited with her husband, Dean. They decided to go and take some pictures, as you do. Then they. I'm going to stop.

Yeah, I would have thought... Later on, they were looking at the pictures with their children, their three children, and they saw what appears to be a grey woman in one of the doorways. And I've seen the pictures, and there is a picture of a grey woman in one of the doorways.

However, Amy Harper then says, this picture is definitely proof that the castle is haunted or that it's a glitch when you zoom in heavily on a long range photo on a smartphone,

which has happened before. So there you go. The odds are good that maybe it's not a ghost, but just a collection of ugly pixels. Yeah, she's basically taken a previous picture,

zoomed in, and it's merged two pictures. Yeah. And it's happened before. I've done a ghost hunt at Dudley Castle. Have you? A few years ago.

And we did a show there live. And the thing is, the staff at Dudley Castle dress in period clothing. Oh, right. Because it's meant to invoke the period. There's loads of...

There's a museum in the castle and all this kind of stuff. So, of course, there might be a woman dressed in grey lurking in the doorway. Having a fight. Having a of stuff. So, of course, there might be a woman dressed in grey lurking in the doorway. Having a fag. Having a fag break.

Yep. I bet, like, this ghost smokes Marlborough Lights. We will love it. So it must have been during opening hours that she took the photo. Yeah, it's a daylight picture. So it's a photo of one of the staff members. And then she went to the shop and sold a sandwich. She was there from eight until five.

And she got in a Citroen AX GTI and drove home. She's not working tomorrow. So that's... Do you want me to do the... Yeah, do them all. This is a spooky story. So this is great.

Basically, I like the idea of a ghost. Because ghosts obviously don't exist, as we all agree. Some people spend more time searching for them than others, Paul. I don't know who you mean. He searches for them, even though he knows they don't exist. That's the definition of useless behaviour.

I treat ghost hunting in the same way I treat looking for love. So I looked for some really good ghost stories which were like... Real. Excuses. So first of all, there's not much of a story to this, but you know the actress

Lucy Liu? I know her very well. You know, she says that she's had sex with a ghost. How many ghosts? Just the one ghost. Just the one,

but it's enough? Yeah, I think that's enough to prove she's a lunatic. What did she say it was like having sex with a ghost? She said it was incredible. And I quote.

I haven't written it down. I think she's... She was on drugs. No, I think what she's done is she's confused having sex with a ghost. She says it was incredible. That quote. I haven't written it down. I think she's... She was on drugs. No, I think what she's done is she's confused having sex with a ghost to sitting on her hand for half an hour

and then fapping. No, no. Well, she's in Hollywood, isn't she? I mean, some of those old Jewish producers must be translucent. They're so old. Do you know what I mean?

What? You know, skin gets all translucent when you're old. Yeah. Well, why do they have to be Jewish? Because some of those people who work in top level in Hollywood are I've heard Like the Weinsteins and the whole of Hollywood The Weinsteins?

You're making it sound like a kid's cartoon show I'm allowed to say Jewish I know Everyone's allowed to say the word Jewish Well, why have you picked up on it? Because you I was just painting a picture You could have had any... You know what,

Ash, carry on. One of those... It's probably just one of those old Hollywood producers who could be of many creeds who have translucent skin. Who had sex with Lucy Liu. Yeah, and it was amazing because, I don't know, he read the Kama Sutra or something. Charlie's Angels. Maybe it was one of the angels. Oh, that Charlie's Angels film.

I feel like I've opened a door I don't want to look behind. Yeah, and I've put a doorstop in. She's nice though, Lucy Liu. You know what she once said as well? She said Asian people, meaning Orientals, because there we go, Jews first, now the Asians. Where is it all going? She said Asian people don't really like soy sauce. And that struck me.

That was the most profound statement. It struck me because, yeah, I mean, you get it in all the restaurants, don't you? Chinese restaurants and what have you. But why would she say such a thing? And she said, oh, that's just sort of an affectation of the West. We proper Asians don't really like it. I thought, that's bullshit, isn't it, Lucy? I mean, you make it there.

You're talking as if you were having a chat with her at the time. And now, not only do I think that's bullshit, I think it's doubly bullshit because she's claimed to have sex with a ghost. So almost anything she says is obvious claptrap. It's got a point. Well, yes.

I heard a story once about this guy who said he was being raped nightly by a sucker bus. Raped nightly? Yeah, seriously. That's what he was saying.

Is that Kira's sister? No. Come on, I've got a high five. I've got a high five there. I was trying to form that joke and then he got there. That's why he works.

That's why we get him on. Yeah, so he was saying that every night a sucker bus, a female nasty ghost would come in and make love to him and the wife would wake up

and he'd be thrashing about and ejaculate all over her. Seriously. And then the marriage broke up because he couldn't convince her that that was a proper excuse and not just him wanking night wanks. No justice in the world.

There's no justice in the world. So, you know, there's a certain kind of precedent set. This is another weak story. Meatloaf said he saw a ghost on set at the Bat Out of Hell video. And he said that he saw a woman in white on set.

So he told her she wasn't allowed to be there. Run downstairs to the guys who were like the crew of the shoot and said uh guys there's a groupie up there and then uh they said well how did she get there there's no way in it's impossible so they returned back up there and she was gone oh definitely a ghost so someone he saw and said you're not allowed to be here when he went away and came back, had gone. Basically. Oh, that's definite supernatural. And again, not a similar story, but one of those ones where

someone tells you a ghost story and you think there's a logical explanation for it. A friend of mine, when she was younger, 15, said she was haunted by a ghost in her house and the ghost would move her around the building. And she said one of the things she'd do was she'd stand at the top of the stairs, close her eyes, then she'd wake up half an hour later at the bottom. And I was like, of course you fucking would.

You've fallen down the stairs with your eyes closed. They must have manhandled her because she was covered in bruises. She's dead now. You know, just as a brief aside, you know the film 13 Ghosts? Yes. You know the tagline to that is, there's nothing scarier than 13 ghosts. How about 14 ghosts?

No, because they've done it. They've done the science. Have they? Yeah, if you look at the graph of scariness and ghost numbers along the bottom, it gets to 13. It pans out. And then it starts to...

Well, it doesn't pan out. It fucking drops right off. Really? 14 ghosts is just amusing. Yeah, a horde of ghosts. That's why 13 Ghost House, very scary. Haunted Mansion in Disney with 999 ghosts. Not scary at all.

Not fucking scary. So there we go. We've proved that point there is a science behind it well played what do you mean there is as if i'd make something up on the spot right so the next one um this is a great excuse but it's probably i'm gonna go with like my least to my best of these stories okay um in tasmania uh this guy set up cameras in his house because he was sure that his house was being haunted by ghosts so he set up cameras first off in his son

his 16 year old son's bedroom and the first night he did it it captured his new wife his son's stepmother creep into the room and have sex with his son which is bad he's caught them at it there's no ghosts you imagine there's a stiff talking

to going on oh yes however they obviously got over it because the next day he set up a camera in the kitchen uh which he hoped to catch some evidence of paranormal activity viewing the footage the man saw footage sue uses the word footage uh the uh two once again making love on the worktop so day two he's caught them again for the second time. This happened a further two times in the bathroom and sitting room of the property. Like, there's no ghosts. They're just constantly fucking.

Yeah, and you're married to some kind of sexual athlete. What? Well done, son. Maybe he's just really proud. I don't understand how they're still living there. I think he was getting frustrated. He knew there was a ghost there. He was putting a camera up

and then they'd interrupt the shot. He was like, I'll put it in the fucking kitchen then. Could you two stop fucking fucking? Well, I'm trying to catch some fucking ghosts in Tasmania with this accent. Well, a lot of northern people do move there. Yeah.

This one is a bit closer to home for us, certainly. This is the story of the Hammersmith ghost murderer, which happened in 1803, where in Hammersmith in London, numerous people had claimed to have been attacked, or their children were attacked, sorry, by a ghost. And on the 3rd of January of the same year, Francis Smith shot and killed plasterer

thomas millwood because he was wearing white overalls so he'd sort of set up a blockade to catch this ghost because they believed it so um uh yeah francis smith was sentenced to death which was downgraded to one year hard labor so he got away with it because he proved that um obviously he believed in ghosts and he was trying to save the town from the ghosts however which was downgraded to one year hard labour. So he got away with it because he proved that, obviously, he believed in ghosts and he was trying to save the town from the ghosts. However, over the years, this went on for about 110 years, them looking into this case, it turned out that Thomas Millwood lived with Francis Smith.

They were friends. And Francis had warned Thomas twice about going out in the streets looking like a ghost because people might attack him. To which Thomas said, where's the quote from him? Shut up unless you'd like a punch around the, in brackets, bad word, head. So then Francis, clearly annoyed, just shot him in the streets and claimed that he'd been a ghost. And it turns out, anyway,

that he had been scaring the local shoemaker's sons because, telling them scary stories, and that's why he was pretending to be a ghost. Well, that story says two things to me. One, don't wear overalls or you'll be called a ghost, or be seen as a ghost,

which means, thank God, Rod, Jane and Freddie weren't banging about in the 1800s, or they'd be dead. ghost, or be seen as a ghost, which means, thank God, Rod, Jane and Freddie weren't banging about in the 1800s, or they'd be dead. And secondly... Sorry, was that a reference to...? Rainbow. 80s kids show. Thank you. Just for the listeners at home, who might have been born after, I don't know, 1984, and have no idea of what the sock puppets...

Was that when your show was on as well, Paul? Which show? Come and say hello to Paul! Fuck you! How dare you! You know, when you were the little kid. Shut up. And the second thing is, wouldn't Ghostbusters be more awesome if they just had shotguns? Just loading up.

Bang. I'd love that. My favourite story of the ones I hastily cobbled together is the one of The Shrine, which is a famous Japanese ghost story which has many different twists and turns, so you can read different versions of the story, but the long and short of it is

that an ancient samurai warrior was walking around Kyoto late one night when he was attacked in brackets sexually by a naked pervert as the samurai was about to draw his sword to kill the

naked pervert the naked pervert bent over and contorted in shape to revealed a huge eyeball peering out of his anus various versions of the story end with the warrior either i'm going to say wanking off the um the pervert monster or blinding the monster with his penis. This, to me, is a story of a samurai warrior getting caught having sex with another man and saying, Oh, it was a monster. I was poking at its one eye.

It's a brown eye. Well, I was obviously going to do the brown eye gag. I know, but oh. The Van Morrison song. Yeah, brown eye gag. I know, but oh. The Van Morrison song. Yeah, brown eye girl. Or the worst one, don't make that brown eye blue. Which I imagine he did. And that is the end of my Ghost Stories.

Round of applause for Ash and his Ghost Stories. They love a tentacle penis, don't they, the Japanese? Yes, there's a reason for that, though. They don't use a lot of, there's no, like, thing yeah if i've pronounced that right i'm not quite sure have i hentai because they can't show penises in you can show a tentacle you're not allowed to show your penis in japanese porn and artwork you can't really show the penis the phallus they replace it with tentacles or vegetable roots and things as a penis replacement. And then that became... And does it work, like, if you go and order calamari,

do you get penises? Yeah, but they're all blurred out. Yeah, you'd have to. There's lots of eyes up bumholes as well, aren't there? In what respect? Well, there isn't that story. Well, that one story, yeah. Demon eye.

They like eyeballs, though, don't they? What, the Japanese? Because, you know, you've't that story. Well, that one story, yeah. Demon Eye. They like eyeballs, though, don't they? What, the Japanese? Because, you know, you've got the ring. That's her eyeball is peering out from behind her hair, isn't it? Well, that's a very different version of the ring, if you ask me. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Was that where you were going with it? No. Oh. Shitty. Shitty mess. It literally means butt eye. That's where she said butt eye.

So, yeah, it's actually got a whole word for it you know but some people would argue that all of the whole the J-horror thing is all about

fear of technology yes because you know in the ring it's the video isn't it and the grudge is

a new house torrenting Richard Sandling would be the scariest man in Japan if video is the most scary thing out there. His video collection

is the Japanese equivalent of having a haunted library. It's just one of these oh my god. Beverly Hills Cop 3. Oh Beverly Hills Cop Chihuahua

is haunted. Cop and a half. I'm just going to listen to the film. Stop or my mom will shoot. What I'd like to see is Attack of the Mushroom People.

Have you heard of that one? No. Yeah. Well, there you go. What, is it a real thing? It's a real film, a J-horror film. Well, we'll be looking into that

in time. Yes. Right, can we get our major huge guest on then, please? Ooh. Ladies and gentlemen, we've got our guest coming on for the show tonight.

I've asked for him for a while. He's finally come along for our special Halloween special. Please, use all your applause in a roundabout fashion to clap on stage eggsy from going looking chain hi how you doing sir i'm having a great time good i'm glad you've come all the way from uh furthest wales south w Wales. Come down today. I'm having some fun.

I've had a drink. I've had a hot drink, a cold drink. And now I'm having an alcoholic drink. Oh, he's doing all the drinks. Yeah, man. All the drinks. A lot of fun. A lot of energy in the room.

And having a great time. Woo! Come on. Oh, you've hurt yourself there. I got too excited. Watch yourself there. Punch the light. You don't want to get infected.

I don't want to do that. So do you have any ghost stories? Yeah, I quite like a. Watch yourself there. Punch the light. You don't want to get infected. I don't want to do that. So do you have any ghost stories? Yeah, I quite like a good ghost. I've always been fascinated with the paranormal and the occult. I've got a shit joke that I made up about 20 minutes ago. This is the perfect place to try it out. This is a really shit, it's a Ghostbusters joke. Oh, perfect.

And I've got to get this right because I only just made it up and it's really bad. Which Ghostbuster stole Slimer's drugs? I don't know. Which Ghostbuster stole Slimer's drugs? Egon. There you go.

So that's my... That's better than your whole intro. That's my shit Ghostbusters joke for you there. Crossing the streams. Yeah, that's a great one.

So that's a bit of fun. It was a good one. But I like the occult. I like ghosts. I don't know if they exist, but I like the idea of ghosts existing. Have you seen anything spooky? I've had the sheets pulled off my bed. Not particularly spooky, but apparently that happens when ghosts are in rooms.

Yeah, they like to mess around with sheets. They pull sheets off beds. Nothing much. I saw some weird lights about a week ago. I was looking out of my window. Yeah. And there's some trees.

There's a skyline. This is more alien-based. Okay, no, that's fine. We can be flexible. And there was a heavy cloud formation. And I was just looking across. And two lights, very bright white lights, appeared.

They were there for about two seconds. They moved along, then dipped down in a curved formation and moved on and then disappeared again. It didn't scare me. I just thought it was fascinating. It is. It is fascinating. I've seen some strange things. I once came back from

we performed at a festival, as we often do in my moderately successful pop group, and I came back from a festival, it was about three or four o'clock in the morning. I got home, I was out of my mind, and I was looking up. No. Yeah, strangely enough, I was out of my mind, and I was looking up into the sky, and again I saw three exceptionally small lights moving at what would have been an intense speed, just sort of gliding, and then they broke off into extra lights and went off in another direction.

Was it just me on drugs? I don't know. That's what I always think. I always see UFOs, and I think, no, actually... Just drugs. It's drugs. It's first on the checklist. Are you on ecstasy? Yes. I was at a festival, and I was really off my head, and there was this thing on the checklist are you on ecstasy yes so it was at a festival and i was like really off my head and uh there was this thing on the hillside this sort of pulsating light thing i was like fuck me that is a ufo it's a guy with a torch i love it i love it i love it you just reminded

me actually of um a terrifying um supernatural story a friend of mine told me uh great uh family friends of his were building their own home and they lived in a uh sort of portable uh cabin what's the word a caravan a static caravan whilst they were building their own home and the grandmother so it took them 18 months two years to build this beautiful home and they lived in this giant um alan partridge style port cabin and uh as as as the building went on the grandmother was very old she's i'm not sure if i'll make it to see the house being built but you know we'll keep doing this and as long as we've got a tv here i'll be okay because i love the show dallas i also love the show dynasty absolutely loved them great shows

as they were as they were um you know she watched these shows every night religiously and finally they built a house. And they're like, Graham, we've built a house. So now you can watch your favorite shows, Dallas and Dynasty, in the house. And this will be great. But sadly, just as the house was ready, she died. Very sad times. So the first night they were in the house, they put on Dallas.

And apparently whenever they watched Dallas or Dynasty, the Grand's head would appear above the television and spin around 360 degrees. That's fucking mental, isn't it? That's fucking mental. At this point, I'd be like, checklist, yeah, I'm on ecstasy. Yeah, I think.

So the entire family were on drugs and they probably didn't even build a house. They probably just lived in a ditch. That's a fucking wicked life to live. Yeah. House, haunted house, spinning Nan's head, dynasty. That's a perfect Wednesday night for me, frankly.

So that's another scary one there. Again, no evidence to back this up, but they sound great. They sound great. Most haunted has been basing itself on that. Going back briefly to the aliens thing. Have you heard about this? The Russians are going, oh, America. Hey, you better tell everyone about the aliens or else we will.

Maybe they're going, we know. Michael, come here, Michael. Ashley, please pause the podcast. Michael! Come here, Michael! Ashley, please pause the podcast. Pausing podcast. Pausing complete. Hey, Doc. Ashley. I was just helping Cyrus with his Halloween costume.

Oh yeah? What's he going as? A wall sconce. There really aren't that many options. Yes, excellent. Well, I'm afraid we have more pressing matters at hand than the man in the wall, Michael. You've heard of the Unclickables podcast? Sure. Paul and Eli, right? Yes, that's the one. I'll admit that it's very primitive and rudimentary, and the humor is often juvenile,

but I find that, despite myself, I've grown to be quite a fan. Are we talking about the same podcast? It's really very funny, Michael. If you say so. I have trouble with the accents. So why'd you call me for, anyways? I left Cyrus with a lampshade in his head, so I should probably get back. Ah, yes, Michael. Well, in this Halloween

episode, Eli is on one of his customary rants. You know, those aren't too bad. Affirmative. And Paul is not entirely without entertainment value. Right. Well, anyway... So funny. It pleases me. It really pleases me. Yeah, Paul's pretty funny, too. Maybe I should revisit... People, focus, please!

Listen, in Eli's rant, he very foolishly reveals the true nature of ghostly apparitions. What, the future ghost thing? Really, Doc? Really, Michael. Now, I happen to know for a fact that in every other timeline where this revelation has occurred, death and destruction immediately and inevitably followed in its wake. You tell him, Doc!

Destruction not unlike the horrific aftereffects of the terrible Hadron event. That grisly accident that I myself presided over. That accident which tore through the very fabric of space-time. That accident which I fear I shall never fully- You know, I know all about the Hadron blast, Doc. We're recovering fragments of your wife every day. You really don't need to recap. Michael, we need to go back in time and stop this event from happening!

The Hadron event? Hey, that's not a bad- No, no, the destruction of the Unclickables podcast. I don't know how I'd be able to get through my work week without it. Yeah, but do you really think we should interfere like that? I mean, I know we've pretty much interfered with every timeline we've come across. Some of them more than once, but... Michael, my mind is made up!

I'm afraid we'll have to go back in time and kidnap Paul and Eli! Okay, Doc, listen, I'm surprisingly indifferent to messing with timelines, but kidnapping? I might be a little biased, but doesn't that sound kind of extreme? Well, I suppose we could just jam the broadcast. See? Maybe a post-hypnotic suggestion or two?

Right? You should both know I don't approve. Nonsense, Ashley. I totally agree, Ash. Anything particularly bad about this one? Well, I took the liberty of using my quantum processing power to run every possible outcome. It's pretty bad. How bad?

Well, your planned intervention would save the podcast, but... There you go. Excellent. But the ensuing chain of events caused by your intervention would create a 99% probability of a nightmare scenario involving Eli Silverman's transformation into a powerful, sexy vampire. In his reign of global terror, Eli uses his vampiric powers to enslave the population for his bizarre sexual entertainment. Eventually, after hundreds of years, Earth's civilization is deemed too sexy and dangerous

and is eradicated by, um, future ghosts. Aliens? Well, yeah. Okay, well, that decides it. Yes, Michael, it does. Ashley, jam the broadcast and initiate hypnosequence. But, Doc... You know how I can get when my routine is interrupted, yeah. Okay, well, that decides it. Yes, Michael, it does. Ashley, jam the broadcast and initiate hypnosequence. But, Doc... You know how I can get when my routine is interrupted, Michael.

Well, he's got a point, Ashley. But be sure to be clear. Their language is kind of odd. True. It is strange how our American words mean different things to them. Okay, well, sit your fanny down and let's save the unclickables. Ashley? Jamming broadcast.

Going back briefly to the aliens thing. Initiating hypnosequence. Denizens of this timeline, I am Francis Oppenheimer Valdini. In the year 2008- Doc, stick to reprogramming, right? Ah, yes, quite right, Michael. First off, allow me to apologize for the interruption in your podcast consumption. I will be brief. That doesn't seem necessary. You will disregard the incendiary revelations of Eli Silverman. You will not remember anything he has said regarding aliens and Russians. You will enjoy the Unclickables podcast and rate and review it on iTunes. And that's a bit crass. Silverman will most likely soon visit upon you as a result of our actions. But please, rest easy in the post-hypnotic

knowledge that your sacrifice will ensure that at least one brilliant scientist will benefit greatly from your generations of empiric bondage. That's sufficient, right, Michael? I guess. Well then, resume your listening and remember nothing. Oh, and happy Halloween

from all of us at Hadron Gospel Hour. Happy Halloween! Happy Halloween! Alright, Ashley Ashley end transmission I hope we haven't made a huge mistake I love a good alien I love a good ghost I think what an alien ghost why not

well that's one of the theories isn't it aliens are in fact the ghosts of us in our future past it's a classic one this is the other issue I are in fact the ghosts of us in our future past. It's a classic one. This is the other issue I have. You often see ghosts of sort of medieval gentry

or you might see someone from World War II. Yeah. Why doesn't anyone ever see the ghost of a dinosaur? It's a very good question. You know what I mean?

Because they didn't exist because God created the world a few thousand years ago. Oh right, I forgot about that. Of course, I forgot about that one.

I forgot about that loophole. So you know, these are strong issues and we're bringing them to the forefront here. Oh, right. I forgot that. Of course, I forgot about that one, yeah. I forgot about that loophole. So, you know, these are strong issues and we're bringing them to the forefront here. Yes, absolutely. This is a great time. This is a great time

everybody. It's a good question though because, like, do we see, like, hoodie ghosts or, like, you know, little council estate hoodie ghosts going around?

Well, I always thought maybe to be a ghost it's like you're trapped, you know, you hadn't lived out the full potential of your life you would so you died in a violent or sort of sudden way sudden way and the dinosaurs they just sort of ate a load of grass and then there was a comet and they went oh shit well we're done

here who wants to come back he's well yeah actually that's a good point it was quite sudden if i was a dinosaur i should be able to send a parcel and i was wiped out by the comet i might come back as a ghost to make sure that parcel is delivered. You'd see the bang off on the other continent, and then you'd go, oh, better go to my cave. There's not going to be much vegetation next summer. Notorious ghost historian Richard Felix has a theory about why ghosts wear clothes, because they don't so much believe that ghosts...

Because, you know, if you die, why do your clothes come back as ghosts? Why are all ghosts naked? And also, that would make a much more interesting episode of Most Haunted. The point being is, his logic is that the building acts as a recording device for humanity, and so if there's a violent attack, there's a theory going around,

a very poor theory, that buildings made way back when had certain kind of a... Granite. The stone tape theory. The stone tape theory theory i was just about to say yes jane asher's classic 70s tv show oh it's great get back in the kitchen there are no ghosts make some cakes but there are ghosties there are ghosts and then it just pretty much there's some flashing lights in it pretty good but that was the idea that that stone had recorded it as if it was a tape so yeah so that's the idea the reason why we see

them in ghosts is because it's a recording being reverberated back into the environment. So he built a machine called the Ghost Box Recorder. Classic. And what he did was he thought the theory was if you put enough power into this building, like the wall or whatever, you can generate enough energy, feeds it back into this machine he built, project it onto a cloud of fog, and you can see the ghost from the wall through his fog machine. Right? Did it work? No. Because

the machine was literally a nine-volt battery. A discog smoke machine? Was it a discog smoke machine? Yes! I'm not even joking, though. The whole machine was a box, and when we went on tour with it, it was in the shape of a coffin, right? Because, you know, added class. It was a coffin with a 9-volt battery in, two wires that plugged into a wall or some haunted item,

three disco lights and a fog machine. I'm thinking it needs a CD deck, and he's set. Paul, tell us the story about him, that classic story. Oh, okay. Well, we do this ghost. Basically, I would present this show called psychic and science and it was like most haunted live have you seen most haunted it's if people who are listening it's a british show where this bunch of uh idiots go from haunted house to haunted house and they

try and catch every the supernatural richard felix was a historian on the show for a while um he would start his section of the live show by going up to the audience saying okay who here believes in ghosts and like the whole audience who believe us would put their hands up. And then they go, okay, who's ever seen a ghost? All the hands would go up. Who's ever heard a ghost? Half the hands would go up. Who's ever maybe smelled a ghost? One or two hands. And then he would say, okay, I asked this question one night. I said, who has ever had sex with a ghost? And then at the back of the room, one man went, yeah, I have. I've done that. Rich, I've done that. And Richard said he stopped the show, walked to the front of the stage and went, excuse me, sir, you may have misheard me.

Maybe you got confused. Are you telling everyone here that you have had sex with a ghost? The man went, oh, no, I thought you said goat. Every fucking night, that story. And every fucking night, 40 women past the age of 60 laughed their knickers off. They loved it. But Paul, that wasn't the story I meant. Oh, which one?

Oh, okay. The other story was, he's a bit eccentric, Richard Felix. If you ever watch the show, you can see he's a little bit not there. He's a nice guy, but he's not really there. And the story goes, again, that he told me was that he wanted to kill his own turkey for Christmas. Because he owns farmland and the farmer next door had some turkeys. And he went, oh, can I have one for Christmas? The farmer went, yeah.

So Richard said, okay, well, how would you kill a turkey? And the farmer went, it's very simple. You just put some tarpaulin down the floor. You hang the turkey upside down over it. The blood will rush to its head. It will eventually pass out. You break its neck. You chop it.

It bleeds out. You can pluck it, skin it, turkey for Christmas, right? Long story short, the turkey escaped and he burned his house down, good that's the kind of guy he is good uh so yeah i look good yeah good good strong good yeah i just think you know why it's because ash is one of those what ghost hater vegetarian oh okay okay he's on the yes. Strong views here tonight, guys. I like it, I like it. Strong views on vegetarian ghosts. Yeah, you don't know what if there was a ghost vegetable, like a spooky broccoli,

or a cauliflower from beyond the grave. A beetroot. Damn it, why is everyone being funny? That was good, that was good. All right, then let's do our interview, shall we? Oh, we're going to do that, aren't we? We're going to do our interview. So we've got a few questions.

We're going to treat it like a chat show. Great. And just, you know, give us your responses. Okay, great. Let's go. Is there music? No. Okay.

Not quite yet. Can you do the music to Parkinson? Can you do... Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da I just want to say very quickly before the interview begins, Parkey took part in a classic BBC horror many years ago. Ghostwatch. Ghostwatch, which Mr. Pipes, the terrifying creature, the fake cameras hidden around the house, and the best thing I ever saw Parkey do was at the end of the show,

the ghost goes crazy takes over the TV studio and kills everybody everyone runs off and all you're left with is Parkey walking towards the camera possessed going

round around the garden like a teddy bear round around the garden like a teddy bear and he just says that repeatedly and I just that's the best thing

Parkey ever did saying brilliant round around the garden like a teddy bear wonderful we went to see it didn't we last year we went to see it, didn't we, last year?

We went to see a special screening of Ghostwatch at the BFI. Yeah, and Parky was there. He was there. Did Parky react round and round the garden like a teddy bear? It was a shame, Matt.

It was brilliant, Matt. But what was great about it was when we watched it back in the day, in the 90s, it was fucking scary stuff. I remember being terrified by it. Missed the pipes.

However, there's a problem with it when you watch it back now. It's shit. Well, no, it wasn't shit. It stands up really well. It is, no, it stands up really well. It is quite good. It stands up really well. It wasn't designed, firstly, for a cinema screen.

So that's a problem. And it also wasn't maybe meant to be viewed over and over because it loses its impact. Yeah, of course. The worst thing about it was where Mr. Pipe's hide is under the stairs. Yeah. However, they called it the glory hole. Yeah. They just keep referring to it as the glory hole.

It kind of breaks the magic. When I was 13, it was like, the glory hole sounds like the keep referring to it as the glory hole. It kind of breaks the magic. When I was 13, it was like, the glory hole sounded like the scariest place in the world. And now that I'm 36, it's still the scariest sounding place in the world. It's like, oh look, Mr Pipes is coming through the door. Almost literally. Right, start off as an interview.

Right. Right, okay, interview. I'll start round around the garden like a gentleman okay okay right question number one okay do you believe in ghosts um i like ghosts i cannot answer that question though I want them to I want to believe I want to believe Okay Next question

So When did you first get into rap? Probably when I was about 10 or 11 And I heard James Brown's Sex Machine Up until then Pop music had just been Men in makeup with fruity cuffs and collars That girls listened to.

I was in the back of my dad's car and I heard the funky drummer and I heard Sex Machine. And I burst out laughing because I was like, they've made a song about a machine you can have sex with. I didn't really know what sex was, to tell the truth. I knew what machines were. I knew it was something that adults did. And I thought, this is great. And then later on, hip hop started and I heard the same drum break. And I was like, this is amazing. So that Sex Machine and those guys with the music, this is great. And then later on, hip hop started. And I heard the same drum break. And I was like, this is amazing.

So that sex machine and those guys with the music, this is awesome. And that was kind of the birth. I see. And also Camouflage, that song Camouflage. Remember that song Camouflage? Whoa, Camouflage. I wanted to get it, but I could never find it in shops. Things never quite the way they seem.

It's haunting. It had a rap break in it, did it? No, just the element of someone taking some music and just making up a story over the top. quite the way they seem it's haunted it had a rat break in it did it um no it just did the the element of someone taking some music and just just like making up a story over the top that's not about falling in love but a guy in vietnam saving you and he's a ghost that's fucking awesome and paul card hassles 19 i had a massive obsession with the vietnam war as a child and i watched platoon about six times in a row on vhs i was about 10. And my mother came in and she said, turn this off, it's full of obscenities.

She said, fuck you, you don't understand the horror of war. And I was 11. So that was great. Does anyone remember that tune? I remember that camouflage tune. Yeah, great tune. Wasn't that tune about the guy who played guitar in The Devil? And he had a guitar battle with the devil.

That's, um um isn't that yeah what was that Devil Went Down to Georgia yeah that's an old one though and what about that one the trucker

Big Bad John or whatever Big Bad John that's another classic those all those tunes were kind of influential because

they were about something else yeah about something else well those were novelty records weren't they you don't get novelty fucking records these days do you it's all about the novelty Yeah, about something else rather than kissing someone. Well, those were novelty records, weren't they? You don't get novelty fucking records these days, do you? This is it.

It's all about the novelty. All about the novelty, guys. Next song. See, I love your band and I would want to know where you got the name. Band loosely, use the term band.

Yeah. And I wanted to know where you got the name for your group Fun, Love and Criminals because I loved it. Well, yeah. Pick it up.

Me and the Fun, Love and Criminals. That was you. Classic hit. We got to number one with that and criminal. That was you. Classic hit. We got to number one with that. I was just hanging out in Staten Island and just,

Hughie was just, he just left the Marines and we were smoking a lot of weed and we were high, man. And we got in trouble, we got arrested. I can't say what it was for,

but it was wild. And when we got arrested the policeman I'll never forget this he put us in the back of the van he said you guys show a bunch of fun loving criminals right

as we were laughing as he put us in the van and we just said that'll stick and we gave him 3% of all the royalties oh brilliant so there you go

there's the background to that story I told you how they got their name I told you that was it you didn't think I was a fan of their work he knows it all he knows it all I've got well done on six music you can listen to that as well well well researched thank you your next question so it's not proper music is it rap um not really

but then who's to say what proper music is well i i'd i'd say richard claderman proper music he's a genius okay there you go. You know, you've got all of these figures. These figures. Picasso. Yeah. Richard Klederman. Klederman Classic. Bobby Crush. Bobby Crush. Bobby Vinton. Yeah. All the Bobbies. Elvis.

Yeah. Dougie Fresh. No, not Dougie Fresh. You're ruining it. Okay, yeah. Now, these are all proper artists. Yeah. You know, is Mr. T as talented as Dougie Fresh, you're ruining it. Okay, yeah. Now, these are all proper artists. Yeah, yeah. You know, is Mr. T as talented as that in what he does? I'll let you into a secret. Mr. T made a film, and there's raps on it.

There's one called, something like, Be Kind to Your Mother. And Ice-T wrote that rap. Ice-T wrote all of Mr. T's raps. So that's a fact there. So, Mr. T. Yeah, this is Ice-T. I wrote all the thongs for Mr. T's raps. So that's a fact there. So it's a Mr. T. Yeah, this is Ice-T. I wrote all the songs for Mr. T. 90-90.

Fucking amazing. What a guy. And then he performed as a kangaroo. What was that film? Cat Tank Girl. Best thing Ice-T ever did, he uploaded a video of himself onto YouTube about five, six years ago.

You can see it. It's just him smashing up his Mac computer in his backyard. You don't want people to get in contact with your hard drive just smash it up with a hammer and then he smashes it up

and throws it in a bin that's wicked that is have you seen that cover he's got his wife in some kind of bikini with a the power album yeah

it's amazing and he's got she's got some kind of armament like an Uzi or something got the gun behind her back yeah

they're all there at the front stood there and then when you turn the album around, they've all got guns behind their backs. Yeah. And then he's like, what?

Watch me in law and order. Criminal, I call it. I don't know which one he's in, but you know, he's a serious. Tracy Morrow. He's actually a very good rapper.

He's amazing. Yeah. He's good. He's very good. All right. Next question. Okay. Mums died seven,

pops died 11. So he's dropping that low in everything. Go on. Sorry. No, my next question is, oh, shit. So you wrote, is it because you like ghosts that you wrote Scooby Snacks? Scooby Snacks was. Is that why you wrote that song?

We got out of Rikers Island after we committed that crime. Oh, right. It was a pretty heavy time and we hadn't smoked for, it was like nine months. So me and Hughie just got the biggest bag of weed you ever saw I thought you were Hughie what's this

I thought he was Hughie he's Hughie I'm Lee oh for fuck's sake I'm Lee I'm the other one I'm Lee from the band

but yeah you said you'd get Hughie I know what's the fucking point of this he won't come he won't leave the house he's got a lot of he's agoraphobic man

he just won't leave the house he's too busy presenting pet shows. Showbiz smashed him up. Showbiz just mashed him up. He can't deal with large groups of people anymore. Fuck you, E! I know.

He's too busy watching the EastEnders omnibuses. Don't do that anymore, do they? Classic Sunday afternoon TV. All right, okay, that's that. Anyway. Your next question. Go on. Anyway, I reckon anyone can rap.

Yeah? Yeah, even Paul. Even though Paul's shit at actually speaking. Paul could do it. Yeah. Paul could do it. I can do it. Anyone could rap.

Could you do it, Paul? If you can draw a picture of a knob on a piece of paper with three drips coming out the end, you can probably do a rap. Fact. I don't know. Scientific fact. I've got my rap name, though. Yeah, what's your name? Big Papa Hamster. Nice. Fact. I don't know. Scientific fact. I've got my rap name, though.

Yeah, what's your name? Big Papa Hamster. Nice. Oh. Now, this was something to do with being touched by an uncle in a past podcast, I believe.

I was informed that that wasn't appropriate to say in front of an audience. So now, it's my rap name, Big Papa Hamster. What does the big

refer to? My girth. Okay. Right. Papa is police code for pee. And hamster is because it's the most ferocious of rodents. Girth, pee, rodent. Girth, girth, pee, rodent.

It's a country music sort of name now. That's my country name. Hey there, guy. I'm Girth P. Rodent. I'm going to entertain you tonight. It's going to be a great time. I'm going to take my pants off. Wonderful. Well, that's my country name. Hi there, guy. I'm Griffey Rowe. I'm going to entertain you tonight. It's going to be a great time. I'm going to take my pants off. Wonderful.

Well, that's my rap. I can rap. You cannot rap. There's only one way to decide this. There's only one way to decide how we can get this song. I fucking detest it. I don't even think it's a real art form. But I will own you.

Oh, here we go. Clash of the Titans. In that case, I think it's only fair. Two men, one rap. All right. This is going to be an epic rap battle. We are going to let Eggsy Clash of the Titans. In that case, I think it's only fair. Two men, one rap. All right. This is going to be an epic rap battle. We are going to let Eggsy decide who is the winner.

All right. Now, do you have a topic in mind that we can rap about? Anything we can do? Maybe Halloween-based? Do you have any ideas? Can I? Les Dennis?

Les Dennis. Les Dennis we're going to rap about. That's good. All right. Les Denis. The French fire engine. All right. I think a Shooting Stars. That's good. All right. Les Denis, the French fire engine. All right. I think it's a Shooting Stars reference.

All right. All right. So do you want to go first? No, you're going first. All right. Then you start the music then. And I'm going to rap about Les Dennis. Then you have to rap about Les Dennis.

This is going to be good. Right. I can't. No, actually, this is going to be adequate. That's what it's going to be. Right. Oh, you haven't picked the record then.

All right. The select is just getting the beats lined up now. Ash, can you rap? In no way, shape or form. I leave all the rapping to go to the chain.

All the rapping? All over the world? Everything. That's cool. That's not a bad plan. All rap should go through you I could do that yeah

I try I will do it but it's like when someone offers you a job and you can't really do but you say you'll do it then you realise you fucked it up

and you get sacked after like three months comedy that's what I do okay can you do this gig you have performed to more than 30 people

before yeah all the time all the time is that Cupmaster Swift on the decks back there? That's a real epic hip-hopping drop there.

Here we go. I'm going to do it. Here we go. Here we go. I'm going to drop it in. Ready? Here we go, yeah. One, two, three.

Feeling the flavour. Here we go, here we go. Rapping is hard. There's all kind of contortions. Like the guy who hosts Family 4. Yes. He's the man

who's called Les Dennis to everyone else. He's a bit of a menace. He lives in Highgate. It's not a nice place. He's got a nice house there. Look at that face. He's making all the money. He wishes he was fly.

But he was never good when Dustin G died. Yeah, that was good. See? That was good. Your turn. Okay. Well, let me start. It's over. It's over. Come on. It's over. Well, let me start. Ah! It's over.

Come on. It's over. Come on. It's over. Slam to the ground. Slam down. Come on. Let me start by saying something about Paul Gannon.

His pants are filling up with bacteria like a Danon. You're good. You're hurt. Your face is all splirty. I'm going to come and give you 30 of the best lashes off your bum side. I'm going to take your face and make it fried. I'm going to take your fakes and make it fried. I'm going to have Les Dennis for dinner and I'm going to tell him you're a sinner.

I like the bit where he said, I'm going to have Les Dennis for dinner and I'm going to tell you you're a sinner. That was good. Let's see where we go. He was a star of Ross Abbott's famous Madhouse, but ever since then he's become a big lad All he does is sit and drink

He licks about his life and he thinks it stinks He was once married to that girl on X Factor But I can't remember her name Because she looks like a tractor Fuck Liz Dennis, let's talk about you I'm gonna mash your face I'm gonna jump up in your place Like a Maasai in your face

A Maasai warrior You are shit Strong use of you are shit there. This is a great rap battle, guys. This is one of the epics. Come with it. All right. Come with it. This is good. He's dirty. He's squat. He's fat and he's ugly. He shouldn't have rapped ugly, should I? My malevolent eloquence is rapping over your relevance. Irreverent. I'm herbivore like a rogue elephant. What?

I said I'm herbivore like a rogue elephant. Like a rogue elephant. Okay. What about the ones that they all know? My malevolent eloquence is destroying your relevance. Irreverent. I'm herbivore like a rogue elephant. Didn't work the first time.

Right, last one. There's Dennis and Eli Silverman sitting around looking for scraps in the outside bin. They'll find some food and maybe drugs, but they have to search through all the horrid bugs. They find some tabs. They find some washout. They drink from the drip tray because they're washouts. I've only rapped twice. I know that's not right, but you're just fat and ugly and shite.

Strong use of shite again there. This is a classic rap battle here. Execute him. You talk about Les, Dennis, but you are something

known as a penis. I mean penis. You mean us. I'm going to take your penis and then I'm going to say some words that don't actually mean anything.

Give it up everyone for the second best rap battle of all time. Holy shit. Even the music couldn't take it. Oh, God. I had all my rhymes ready, and they all fell flat. That was strong, guys.

Let's give it up, all four of us. Yeah, come on. You are shit. Well, thank you. It was a good one. All right, okay. We've got to do this every time. We have to, please. So, all right. Okay, so... We've got to do this every time.

No. We have to, please. I don't want to do this every time. It was hard enough tonight. It was really good. I take it all back. Rap is very hard. You have to be verbose.

I think you have got a lyrical dexterity. Yeah. But Eli really did pound you with the you are a shit. Yeah, that was a strong... It was great. It was really good.

You staggered back like you'd been hit. I was. I was a bit high-duking about it. It was a strong, it was great. It was really good. You staggered back like you'd been hit. I was. I was a bit high-duking about it. There's a lot of rap battles that probably have resulted in people getting shot. There's a serious side to this, guys, and the gang warfare. I think if you say you are a shit, it'll just close that battle down and someone's going to back off.

Do you know what I mean? They're just going to back off. You are a shit. That's wonderful. No, I have to... Listen, in all honesty, I have to say, Paul, you won. You won the battle.

Really? Oh, wow, that's nice. This is what a lot of rappers don't do and that's nice. That's nice. It's a very British way of rapping. Well done, sir. You took me down considerably.

You did. You got the Les Dennis thing and you got Dustin G in and like Family Fortunes. Mate, I know my Les Dennis shit. I'm all over Les Dennis. Amanda Holden. I did like the thing about a Maasai

all up in your face like a Maasai in your place. And you physically jumped a bit as well. Of course, the Maasai are famous for jumping. Yeah, and the shit. I'm more strong on the sort of delivering the lyric in a sort of hip-hop style.

The power of rap, it makes me emboldened. Now I'm going to have an affair with Amanda Holden. I see. I had an idea. I wanted to work for a tabloid paper

and I wanted Amanda Holden to be having an affair while she was on a beach, right? And I wanted her to be topless and I wanted the paparazzi to have taken pictures of this mysterious man putting suntan cream on her boobs and a headline

just so the headline could be, a man to hold him. It would have been really good but I didn't get a job. The sad thing is that that's all I ever hear when I hear her name. A man to hold him. A man to hug and kiss. So, okay, are you happy to receive or should we give it to the audience to give a cheer? No, no, I'm happy. Amanda Holder. Amanda Holder. Amanda Hug and Kiss. Right, so, okay. Are you happy to receive,

or should we give it to the audience to give a cheer? No, no, I'm happy. I concede. You're never happy. That's bullshit. I know, that was good. It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice, guys.

I was rehearsing. I had this whole thing rehearsed in the bath. I just lost it. Give it up for all of the rappers involved here tonight. Thank you. Wonderful times. All of the rappers.

Right, well, at The Uncleanables, what we like to do is, it is a show that celebrates the economy. It is a show that celebrates cheap and nasty stuff that you can get the best out of.

And so it's Halloween, obviously, and maybe you don't have a lot of money to spend on... I'd love to smoke a spliff now. I'm having a really good time. I wish we could. I'll hook you up after

we finish the recording. At any point. Right, so... So, it's Halloween. You want to get dressed up you might not have a budget so we've decided to go to a pound shop and get five pounds worth of stuff that you can use to transform yourself and eli is going to do that makeover on me for simple five pounds worth of cash it's just to demonstrate you know you don't need to be uh trained makeup

artists you don't need to spend loads of money hiring people. I can make you look estate with this stuff. Let's see what we've got here. Now, for the listeners at home, how much did you spend in total, Paul? Well, five pounds, literally. I mean, there's five items there. Well, we've got some... These are all by the classy company Fright Night.

Night. Fright Night. Don't they do a lot of these special effects for most horror films these days? You'll have seen these in all the recent Del Toro films. You know, all the Spielbergs. This is top-notch stuff. It's their budget range.

But... Oh, it's actually in Spanish on the back, so I think you're right. Aviso is warning in Spanish. Apparently. So, you're going to make me up live, aren't you? Nice, let's do this. So you've got some horror teeth there, but we've got the makeup kit.

Now, perhaps, Ash, I'm not going to be able to talk. Let's let Exy do the makeup. Well, you both did you. Because I'm not going to be able to talk, I'm going to have to concentrate really hard. I'm very excited. I don't know if I can mention this before you get it out, but there is a horror glove here, which is basically a very cheap rip-off

of the classic Freddy Krueger glove, which brings back a lot of Halloween memories for me as a child because I had a brown leather glove and had five pencil sharpeners as a child. I took all the blades out of the pencil sharpeners and stuck them on the glove and made my own Freddy Krueger glove. But this is the thing about that Freddy Krueger glove. But this is the thing

about that Freddy Krueger glove. It's a nice horror prop but it is effectively a toy that says you can dress up as a child killing monster. Yeah,

who dresses like Kurt Cobain. Yeah. Which is quite fascinating. Look, the stripy jumper. Very true. So Eli is just applying,

what are you applying right now? A bit of white. We're going to start you off with the ghostly look. Okay, so it's on there. How's that looking? Makeup's going on now. Makeup is.

Already there's an air of terror in the room. I can feel the horror building up now. Eli's got not only what he lacks for in lyrical dexterity, he makes up in actual dexterity with his fingers. It's wonderful, isn't it? He's just applying some of the white cream. Can I just say, it's improved your complexion. No end. It's wonderful, isn't it? He's just applying some of the white cream. Can I just say, it's improved your complexion.

No end. It's really working beautifully. Well, I thank you. It looks adequate. He's just applying some cream to what's known as the T-zone by makeup artists

at the moment. This is the area of the forehead and the bridge of the nose. Quite thick up the top there. Yeah. It is quite thick. And the makeup brush,

which is actually a human finger, which he's using to apply the... You look like a sort of a very hard-worked geisha at the moment. Yeah. A gay what? This is...

I like the big... All the obvious gags. So the white's on. The foundation's on. The foundation's sort of sort of been spread across. I think you're missing a patch here, but I imagine that's going to be for blood The foundation's Sort of Sort of been spread Across You're missing a patch here But I imagine that's

Going to be for blood It's alright That's going to be Yeah He's got little pens out I like the bit that is Just teetering on the edge Of your actual eyeball

So at some point This stuff will burn He won't go blind He will go blind By the end of the year So what colour is this? Right Eli climbing up To get the best...

Oh, my. Actually, you look sexier now. The eyebrow is... I went out with a girl from Southend who looked like this. Unscrumple your eyes, please, Paul. Unscrumple them, Paul. Just applying the sort of eye make-up now. Sort of the eyebrow?

Yeah, I'd say eyebrow there. Sort of the LA style, sort of tattooed on eyebrow. That's what I'm saying. I went out with a girl from Southend with a very similar complexion. They were tattooed on

though, weren't they? The thing is, I should have spent £6 in all, £5 for the props and extra £5 for the makeup removal kit I could have easily afforded.

Didn't think that through. You don't need to because you're looking pretty good. So the colour red is coming in and rather than being used for blood it's going straight on

as lipstick here. Eli is building a girlfriend. Yeah. The sinister laugh there as a man turns another man into a woman. It puts the lotion on his skin, guys. It puts the lotion

on his skin. So for the diseased. So for the diseased effect, the use of green makeup has come in here. Oh, he's got a green dot on the chin, like the... Don't stab me in the eye! The well-known Halloween ghost, Green Dot Chin.

He's that famous scary monster from our childhood stories. Oh, Green Chin. Oh, Green Chin. Oh, Green Chin. It's Green Chin. How's it looking so far? It looks really... Impressive?

Strong. It's a strong look. If you buried your face in the T-shirt, it'd be like the Turing Shroud of the Joker. It is a bit Joker-y, actually, isn't it? Yeah, it's very Batman-y. He's putting some red on. That's effective.

Your eyes are bleeding. You now look like a sad clown. Yeah. I reckon I look like I've got Ebola. I know that. This is a great look. How's it looking? Yeah?

Can I just say, this is a bit I was most excited about. The actual blood is coming out now. Just keep it above the face. It's turned into a terrible porno film. Here we go. The blood is being sprayed now. Just keep it above the face. Oh, this has turned into a terrible porno film. Here we go. So the blood is being sprayed now. Oh, it's horrible. Wow, that is actually quite horrific.

That's good blood. That is very good blood. It's a... Look at that. Put some in his mouth. Eat some of the blood. Eat some of the blood. I think it could be sugary. It's got to be safe to eat. No, I think it's deadly flavour. Okay, that's fine. It is of the blood. I think it could be sugary. It's got to be safe to eat. No, I think it's deadly flavoured. Okay, that's fine.

It is really good blood, isn't it? A lovely red wig is a dawn upon my head. Do you know what? I used to live across the road from a kid called Mostyn and he looked just like Mostyn did when he was a kid. Mostyn isn't a name. It's a real name. It's a real name, yeah.

It's a Welsh name. It's a Welsh name. He sort of explains it. But he looks. Mostyn isn't a name. It's a real name. It's a real name, yeah. It's a Welsh name. It's a Welsh name. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Mostyn. He sort of explains it. But he looks like Mostyn. Mostyn Wilson. Good old Mostyn. Big up to you, Mostyn.

How's he doing now? He's all right, actually. I saw him... He lives in London now. I saw him about three months ago with his wife. His wife just ran a marathon. Good.

So that's pretty cool. He's not a child anymore, I take it. No, no, he's fully grown, fully developed, and he's not married, so that's nice. But he does look like Marston. Unbelievable, yeah. So wig, glove, and now the teeth. So the rubber teeth are going in.

This is wonderful. Horror. Horror, full horror. That is impressive. Fangangs are in a great wig is on he's got a terrible the teeth made me gag hang on he gagged on the phone this is a strong look wonderful wonderful i never knew until i did this show what a bad gag reflex i had just be a fucking professional and stick the teeth in. Yes. A friendly Ronald McDonald.

That is a great look. Can you just, can you do it? Can you say, I'm free? I'm free. There you go. Look at that. Horror at its peak. So if you want to see what I look like,

the image will be online in our enhanced podcast with video imagery and pictures. And if you want to see what Eli's done to my face, then you can do by logging on to our YouTube account. Oh God, I realised I really should have brought makeup remover. It's very effective. But we're

in Camden, so you're going to fit right in. I'll be right in Camden. This is dressing down for fucking Camden. Just go out and have a good time. So there you go. For £5, ladies and gentlemen, do you think I've effectively become something quite terrible? Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah. That's good. You're a monster of a man now. Oh, God, that really made me gag. Right, now, the next section is... Is that it? Yeah, you go fucking wash your face off.

Right, I'm feeling a bit crazed. Yeah, I'm going to just remove the wig and the gloves, but I might have to keep the face off. Right. I'm feeling a bit crazed. Yeah, I'm going to just remove the wig and the gloves, but I might have to keep the face on. You have to help me with my vinyl selection now. Do you want me to set it up? Yes. All right. Now, ladies and gentlemen, listeners at home,

it's a Halloween special, and I've got a vinyl selection. We're going with the Halloween theme. This is The Witch. The Witch by The Rattles. Go for it. This is a vinyl selection. We're going with the Halloween theme. This is The Witch. The Witch by The Rattles. Go for it. This is a great tune. Can you see me running? I've been running

for my life It's a man coming If I'm running for my life Can you see the witch? Can you see the witch? Can you see the witch by my side? Can you see the witch? Can you see the witch? Can you see the witch by my side? Can you see the witch? Can you see the witch? Can you see the witch by my side?

The Witch there by The Rattles. I've done a bit of research about them. They're German. Are they German? German group, yes. Are you familiar with Finders Keepers records? Oh, really? I think that was reissued on Finders Keepers records.

Yes, great label, Finders Keepers. Really good label, yeah. Andy Votel, I think, is the guy from Finders Keepers records. Yes, great label. Really good label. Andy Votel, I think, is the guy. I once saw him do a DJ set at Green Man Festival. Was it good? It was. It was 100% Turkish psychedelic rock. Yeah, he's got some amazing stuff. Just unending for about three hours. He's got some amazing music.

Yes, absolutely. But I feel pretty chuffed now because I picked that up for 50p. Did you? Yeah. Get it on eBay. You'll make a load of money. Yeah, 50p. Did you? Yeah. Get it on eBay. You'll make a load of money. Yeah, it's quite popular at the moment. eBay it right up.

The collectors will pay money for that. Is it in good nick as well? Yeah, pretty good nick. Get it on eBay. Lovely. Can I just mention, I've just looked at the ingredients with Eggsy here for the Fright Night blood spray.

Yeah, I did suggest you eat the blood. We've looked at the instructions. It's definitely not sugar-based. No. But I love this bit eat the blood. We've looked at the instructions. It's definitely not sugar-based. No. But I love this bit here as well. It says, some individuals may experience instances of extreme sensitivity. Test by placing a small amount on a wrist before,

and leave for 30 minutes. Meanwhile, it's all over my face and a little bit in my mouth. Just like a Saturday night out, really really why would it need urine in it i don't i don't think it's your your definitely piss it's definitely can i just say it definitely has got pissing yeah definitely got pissing so i walked past the um pound shop actually and as i was coming up here tonight and there was a guy looked like he worked there going, I sold some of that piss to some dude. Which was wicked. Blood piss for these terrible illness. Dean, you know that blood piss?

Just sold some to some guy. So that was nice to know. I've just sprayed it in his eyes. I do apologise. No matter how much money you could make, it's also a urinary infection if you could bottle it and sell it. I don't know if that's going to catch on. Well, no, it does. Well, not in that way,

though. Very catchy. Right. It's a great game. Next part of the show, we are performing tonight at the haunted Camden Head and this venue,

well, it's had a lot of comedians, so as a result, there's been a lot of death on this stage. Yeah, I was going to say, I died here once. But Eli has a gift,

if you didn't know. Wow. Eli is a clear, sentient, buoyant, psychic medium. Oh, nice. Isn't that right, Mr. Silverman? Yes, that's right. I don't like to talk about it too much, you know.

It's not something I'd ever try and profit from. No, because that would be disgusting, wouldn't it? And the other problem with that is my gift's very particular. How so? Well, I can channel the dead, but it's only dead comedians that have been incarcerated. So comedians who have had a criminal past that have died, and now you can channel them. That's the only thing.

Only then. That's very particular. Yeah. Because remember we did it last year. Bobby Bollocks. Yeah. He pops up a lot. Sadly so.

I wouldn't recommend anyone listens back to that episode, episode three, Creepypasta, because it's a little bit kiddy-fiddly. So we'll move on. But you're willing tonight to... I've seen it once again. Someone else. Yeah.

Is there a way you have to get into the... Oh, no. I just close my eyes and it just... Oh, he's already gone. He's gone under. That was very quick indeed. Come through to us. If you can hear my voice, come through from the netherworld.

Hello? Hello? Who's this? It's Mike. Mike. Hello. Mike what? Mike shit.

Great creativity at its best. I'm Mike shit. Hello. Hello. So, do you know you're dead? What? Do you know you're dead? Oh yeah, yeah, I'm dead, yeah I'm dead, yeah Everybody else here is fucking dead as well

How many other people are there with you? Well, there's hordes of dead comedians here You've got Terry Terrible. He's my mate, Terry Terrible. You've got Michael Dead. Right. He was the puppeteer, wasn't he? He was the puppeteer. You've got John

Rotten. Not to be confused with Johnny Rotten. Fair enough. John Rotten. And then you've got absolutely awful Sid. Okay. They're my little gang up here, you know, because, fucking, I'll tell you what, the afterlife.

What's wrong with it? There's no, well, there's no laughs. No? There's no laughs back here. Well, there's not much here either, so. Yeah. Either way. Oh, well, all you get on tv is wogan wogan repeats oh in

the afterlife that's it are you interviewing a dead comedian you're just gonna witter on right okay sorry so what's it what how did you die well i was on stage one night it was in clapham and uh i just did my bit about beating my wife up. Used to go down a storm and someone he ran on stage and stabbed me. Oh no. Turns out I'd been fucking his wife. It was a crime of

passion. So yeah, that was how Mike's shit died. So you're on stage now. Would you like to do some of your material, you know, as a comeback? A comeback from beyond the dead? Ladies and gentlemen, have you ever been on an airplane? What about the food? It's awful. Made me want to go to jail.

Food's better in jail. You don't get any room for your stuff, do you? Can't fit shit in there. And then you get the other side. Food's awful, isn't it, in Spain? I don't know. I've been dead a long time, you know. But funnily enough,

the topics are still quite prescient. They are. Good comedy is always in fashion. It's universal, isn't it? It's universal. Universal things. I do sort of watch, sometimes I appear as a phantom

and I watch some of these newfangled comics these days. All the rabbit whimsy. With the fucking haircuts and their stupid biscuit-based humour. I think, fuck, fucking hell, I wouldn't have had a career if I'd been alive now. Oh, I've got to go. Do you have any advice? Has anyone got any questions before you go? Do you have a question for Mike Shit, Lexi?

I haven't. It's just amazing. I'm just blown away. Ash, do you have a question? It's so clear coming through. I just wondered, did he have a television career? Yeah, did you ever? It's funny you should say that.

Celebrity Family Fortunes with Les Dennis? No, I was going to have one. It was going to start filming the week after I got murdered. It was called Shit on Sunday. What was the format? It was like a magazine show. Some children would be... Right, you know what?

We're just going to move on from anything that involves kids at this point, if that's all right, Mike. Mike, I've got to go anyway. They're showing Woken again. All right, well... I'll see you next time. Mike, shit. I beat my wife up.

It's okay. Wow, that was a deep one. How are you feeling? Eli's back in the room, by the way. I'm always a bit... Space down, sorry. Okay. Do you have any idea who comes through to you?

No. Who was it that time? That was Mike Shit. Oh, Mike Shit, yeah. He's hilarious, isn't he? No. No. Okay.

Right, so... Funnily enough, him and Bobby Bollocks go way back by the sound of things. Oh, yeah. Yeah. We should make sure we do this every Halloween oh absolutely where you get possessed

by a dead comedian with his awkward five minutes of silence and then we move on which is just like those ghosts I told you it wasn't a very saleable gift

it's just something I've been doing my whole life have you tried extending your reach to maybe people who have died but have no

interest in beating there seems to be a special afterlife just for shit shit comedians who got murdered what's the worst gig you've ever had Mr. P

because you must have had some wild shows we've never had a bad gig because I think as long as you have a good time it's okay yeah

that's the way I look at it do you know what I mean so I've never had I mean no one's ever been murdered there's never been a fire there's nothing really

outrageously bad um mike mike balls who's in the band has got habit being sick quite a lot and um self-inflicted or just being sick on people uh just during the shows as well we went to japan we did some shows in japan and and it's wonderful to travel that far to a whole of a culture a whole you know a part of the world not many people go to and we're in this stadium there's thousands of people there and mike was physically sick on stage but the japanese are so efficient a small man just ran in and cleaned it up during the show and then just left again which is brilliant and then a few years later mike was sick over a promoter's back shortly after coming off a stage which was really good and um he's just really good at being sick so i think that's

we've never had any really bad shows but we've had some sort of bad uh sort of moments where members of the band have vomited vomited yeah but nothing nothing really bad has ever happened i'm getting the impression that the shows you put on kind of in enjoy the viva kind of thing isn't it everyone's in the right frame of mind everyone's in a good place you get one smashed up they have a laugh yeah that's all it is our shows are like on the Eli we did we did a gig in and Sweden once and it was wonderful because we played in Gothenburg it was quite good yeah it was really good and then we played in Gothenburg it was quite good yeah it was

really good and then we played in Malmo which is like the third city and four people turned up two of them were some guys we knew from Cardiff and the other two were just some local girls but we were like well let's do the show so we did the show and then we gave the girls their money back afterwards. Nice. But the guys from Cardiff, they still paid. No, you've got to be careful. Fair enough. But no, there's been no sort of light in trusses falling on people.

There's been nothing like that. No stadium collapsing. No. Was it Pearl Jam had a few people crushed at a festival once? You don't want that happening. Well, fingers crossed for the future. Well, there was Curtis Mayfield. Yeah, he had a... Curtis? Yeah. You don't want that happening. Well, fingers crossed in the future. Well, there was Curtis Mayfield. Yeah, he had a...

Curtis? Yeah. Mayfield. Oh, okay. I was thinking Stigers for some reason. No, that would have been justice.

That was tragic before any accident would have happened. Yeah. Oh, that matters to me. Was that Curtis Stigers? That was Curtis Stigers, yeah. That's my mum and dad's

favourite song to dance to. And I wonder why we're all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all That's Curtis Stigers, yeah. That's my mum and dad's favourite song to dance to. That's Stigers, isn't it? Or that old Bette Midler. Yes. He's like that. I think he's doing

Curtis in the club style. Oh, okay. No, that's just Curtis Stigers full stop. That is just Stigers. That guy, the 80s guy, Michael McDonald. Was that his name?

Yeah, I can't believe we're not in love anymore I'm a believer a bit of it that one very much like the woman from the end people moving on

moving on how annoying can I just say now how annoying is her fucking voice it's wonderful isn't it it's yeah

it's really it's almost like there's some phlegm there that is she can't quite get it out she can't quite get it out she can't quite get it you know into

sorry they stopped doing albums because she just went yeah she just coughed one day yeah yeah and she's like okay I'll sing moving on no where's the

where the fuck's the we can't sell a record now and you know it's true fucking annoying Lighthouse Family as well while we're on the subject well they're all session players though

they were just a session player band that got together to crank out mediocre middle of the road pop crap yeah It's true. Fucking annoying. Lighthouse Family as well while we're on the subject. Well, they're all session players though. They were just a session player band that got together to crank out mediocre middle-of-the-road pop crap. Yeah. They made my life just that bit less enjoyable. Yeah? Kicking balls for your window, ringing your bell, running away. That fucking band! The Lighthouse Family playing Knockdown Ginger again! You bastards!

Alright, good. The next part of the show is our cheap eats section. In this section of the show, I try and feed Eli food on a budget. I tend to feed him

mostly horrible stuff ranging from a jelly bean, vomit flavoured jelly beans. That's what we had last time. Yeah, we did bean boozled, which is a

jelly belly creation where some of the flavours taste of vomit or barf or baby's nappies. That was bad. I'm remembering it. Yeah, and then there was the marshmallow I covered in ketchup.

That's literally the worst thing I've ever tasted in my life. In your life. I don't know why my accent changed halfway through that. Green jelly tea, hot turnip juice, but it's Halloween, so we can trick or treat. So what I've done instead is I've got some trick or treat sweets on a budget from the local 99p stroke pound shop Emporium where they sell that blood piss. Yeah, okay, great.

I'm just going to reach over and grab my bucket of sweets. Ooh, this is really good. Look at the mini bones. What's first then? Well What do I taste first? Eli gets to taste them first

And the audience can all have a try as well So the first one we're going to try today Is this one It's called The Murder Hotel Radioactive Pumpkin Pops Now they're little hard candy Pumpkins With a glow stick

Stuck in them. So you can eat the chemicals as well? Well, since I've been doing this already tonight with the blood spray. Is it a real glow stick?

That's not, that's not right. You don't eat the glow stick. That's, that's amazing. That's good. Oh, it's gone on the floor.

You've got to eat it. Oh, he's, it's alright, give it a blow. That's a scientific way of getting the germs off. Give it a bit of a blow. You've got to, you've got to break it. Oh, he specks. It's all right. Give it a blow. That's a scientific way of getting the germs off. Just give it a bit of a blow.

You've got to break it a little bit. Snap the stick and shake. Snap the stick and shake. So suck it. It's a nice taste. Yeah? Mm. Yeah?

What flavour is that? Chemically sweet flavour. That's very nice. I like that taste. It's the fact that I like that taste. It's the fact that I'm looking him right in the eyes I do it, which is the off-putting thing. Would you like to try one?

I'm crunching it. Yeah, I'll try one out. Yeah, this is radioactive pumpkin pops. Would you like to try a radioactive lollipop? Let's have a fucking rave. Yeah. Mine tastes fucking horrible. Oh, wow. In that. that's your drink

that's my drink I didn't think we'd have to have a spit out that was that was you deceived me you eat these sweets you smile

you laugh with your clothes that tastes like fucking mud that's quite nice yeah but that's the difference between your taste buds and the human racers wow that was You eat these sweets, you smile, you laugh with your clothes on, it's like fucking mud. That's quite nice. Yeah, but that's the difference between your taste buds and the human racers. Wow, that was... I've got a glow stick out of it. Is it glowing? I haven't activated it yet.

I've activated mine. Mine's not glowing all that much. I'm activating. You're meant to snap it on you and beat it. Oh, look, he's in the corner having a little mini hairy rave. That was horrid. Yeah, so you didn't like it? Did you like it?

How was that? Why don't you get through the sort of plastic taste? You're eating the wrong bit, the top bit. The liquid inside is delicious. It's good. This glowing liquid. All right, okay, next one. That wasn't very nice.

Out of ten? A four. A four. And there's two points for the glow stick. So six. A very standard boiled sweet flavour. Very nasty. The next one are called Atomic Heads. The little plastic skulls or pumpkins

with a little fizzy powder or something inside. Now, if it's the right kind of powder, tonight you will be seeing UFOs on the hill. So... No, Ash is enjoying his lollipop. He's enjoying his radioactive pumpkin pop. So it's got some kind of sherbet in it. Yeah, so you have to scoff it.

Death dust. Yeah. That's just vim. You've just eaten vim. Oh, I've just seen Eli's cum face. It's not pleasant. How is it, Eli? It's quite nice, actually.

I like it. So who wants to try one? Do you want to try one? There we go. Should we share a powder? Yeah, go on. I don't want to. Oh.

Yeah, let's do it. It's just, oh, look at this green. Okay. This is horrific. I've got the plastic skull. I'm just pouring some. Just into my. On a table.

Do you need a credit card? I had a friend who accidentally Did crystal meth And this is a bit like The story he told me Accidentally Are we doing it together? Yeah

Ash and Eggsy Now we're trying it out They're dabbing it on their lips Right Let's just I've tried a little bit Actually that skull's Going to look like a treat

On my tat shelf So Yeah you're looking forward To having that skull Can I have one? Yeah you can have shelf. Yeah, you're looking forward to having that skull. Can I have one? Yeah, you can have the skull. All right, they're licking it. They're licking it.

What do you think? Mediocre. Tasteless. Yeah, it's tasteless pap. I'm going to try the pumpkin one. Yeah, this is fucking nasty. Actually, though, It would be cool If you did have your cocaine in there

To fucking To impress the ladies I'm snorting it out of a skull Because I'm fucking rock and roll And in one sentence Eli explained why he was single That is not great So you guys didn't care for it?

I have What do you think? It wasn't for me It was sort of tasteless but bitter It was like eating sweetener wasn't it? It was just like do you think? It wasn't for me. It was sort of tasteless but bitter. It was like eating sweetener, wasn't it? It was just like eating sweetener.

Next sweet for Eli. A bag of bones. A simple little packet full of little candy bones. These already, I can tell, are shit. These are just

extremely moldy, moldy oka. Moldy oka? Mediocre. Moldy old dough oka. Ash is gonna... Ash, do you wanna taste one? Do you wanna taste one? I don't think so. No one needs. Moldy old dough Oka. Ash is going to... Ash, do you want to taste one? Do you want to taste one?

No one needs to... Can I try one? Absolutely. I'm just going to try one. It's a bit of the sort of things you buy in an airport from a vending machine. They're very bad. The consistency... They should be crunchy.

But they're soft. They're slightly soggy, yeah. I thought they were going to be a lot more crunchy than that. Can I try another one? It's something... Of course. Yeah, it's something... Yeah, it's...

I'm going to try another one. Yeah, it's horrible. Yeah, it's definitely... It's definitely violent. It's like the stuff, the powder that was in the plastic skull. Someone's sort of put them in a mould and made them into an actual sweet, yeah. Well, there's more to come. Oh, God, is there?

I'm getting a bit of a dicky tummy. These are Murder Hotel Cyclops Eyeballs. Now, what is this Murder Hotel they talk of? It's a brand of these candies that they bring out at Halloween for the shops because they come in a little packet with the words Murder Hotel and then Police Line do not cross.

So you're eating criminal evidence from the crime scene. Ah, I see. I get it. Now what I don't get about it. These look better.

These are gummies. Yeah, but here. It was provided by Samurai Warrior. Was it? No. I don't know where they've been.

Oh, that's really bad. Yeah, good. Can I try a Cyclops eyeball? There you go. Are you not going to have? They've got to be vegetarian. No, they definitely won't be. Oh, I forgot about

the gelatin content. In fact, I can taste a bit of cow. I can taste the horse in it. I can taste horse. Is there a type of liquid inside? No. No. They wouldn't...

There's not a liquid centre. There's no liquid centre. I would have called this a witch's tit, because that's more what it looks like. It's like a little witch's tit, a little... Black's... Yes, it's like a cold witch's tit, which they reputedly are. Yes, it's like a cold witch's tit, which they reputedly are.

I'm more likely to eat the Cyclops eye than any other of the sweets. Yeah, I agree with you. I'm a bit of a jelly fan. Let it be said, these are still fucking nasty. Yeah, they're nasty. They're horrific. But I did eat a whole one. Those are the lower end of the scale of gummy sweets.

You've got Haribo and their ilk at the top. And then these are just cheap. Well, we've got one last thing. Do we? I'm starting to feel a bit... I'm feeling a bit... And I wonder why we hold on With tears in our eyes

Good, we've got Steiger going. And I wonder why we... The last candy selection are simply called Mishmallows because the font is awful. Okay, so this is... And it literally says

Mishmallows. Mishmallows. Sort of a Dutch confectionary for the undead. They're just marshmallows and they're in the shape of little ghosts or pumpkins. Now, Eli likes marshmallows,

so we're going to try a little blue ghost. Can I just ask a question? Before you eat the marshmallow, is it one of those cheap marshmallows with a horrible crispy sugary covering over the top? Yep. You know some marshmallows have a nice fine powder. Other marshmallows have the cheap crunchy sugar over the top. No, there's no cheap crunchy sugar, but it looks... It's sparkly.

It doesn't look good. Okay. What, this? Oh, there's a two-tone flavour thing going on here. Holy shit. The eyeballs are filled with a different kind of liquid jelly thing. Kind of a pus? Kind of a type of pus?

Kind of pus, yeah. Some kind of volatile, horrible, gelatin pus. Do we want to try one? I'm going to try a pus one. I'd like to see what you think. I can clearly see these marshmallows do have a type of liquid in them. That's right. Funnily enough, I'm eating the pumpkin.

What I think is the pumpkin. Yes. And if you look at the pumpkin face on, it actually looks like a cross section of a human phallus. So what I'm eating here is a marshmallow version of a cross section of a human phallus. Here goes Van's deference flavor. Here we go. Makes the difference. He doesn't look happy.

You know, it's not good. It's not good. The thing is, I hate marshmallows anyway, so I'm not going to try them. Oh, go on. We want to get

the gag reflex going. I traditionally like a marshmallow, but this... So, in conclusion... In conclusion. All of those shit sweets were shit.

Hang on, let's go through them very, very quickly again. Glowstick lollipop out of ten. Four. You said four, right? Well, for the sweet, but for the novelty glow, you know, you can discard the sweet, put on some techno. Instant rave. Take some tea. Instant rave.

All right, good. Next one up was the powdered school sweet stuff out of ten. No, no, not a popular choice. Again, I'd give it two. It was a very bland. It didn't have any sort of sherbet bite. No. Which I'm looking for.

Bones, one. And finally, the eyeball. Oh, no, five. Now the eyeball. Eyeball. We'll go for five because we do like a gummy. Finally. Oh, the audience is sending strong responses to the audience there. eyeball we'll go for five because we do like a gummy finally all the

oh the the audience is in the wrong response from the audience there and the marshmallow what a turn well the marshmallow they're trying

because they've put they've put they've put a different flavour in the eyes and the that sounds like a serial killers manifesto I can

I had the flavour in their eyes Gary Gilmore's eyes in a marshmallow but but very very not a not a taste not a tasty thing they're horrible I had the flavour in their eyes. Gary Gilmore's eyes. But it's very, very, not a taste. Not a tasty thing. They're horrible, but I will be using them on Halloween for the kids outside on our street. Because that's how you get rid of all horrible candy.

Well, that's how you give them a treat and you get the trick anyway. They go, this is shit. And then they egg your house. You've had a very tough upbringing. Have you ever actually done that to someone? What, egg their house? No, if you actually take several rolls of toilet paper

and throw them over their house, you actually fucking cause them like several hundred pounds worth of damage. And to finish on tonight, ladies and gentlemen, Eli likes to impose his views onto the world and today's views are his top three what? Scary movies.

So, go on. Top three scary movies. Let's see how this goes. Right, in third place, So, go on. Top three scary movies. Let's see how this goes. Right. In third place, Jaws. Good. Alright. Okay. Everyone's on board so far. Second place, Psycho. Alright. Strong.

And most scary movie of all time, obviously, The Shining. No. It's The Shining. It's not a scary movie. Okay. What are your top three? What are your fucking top three then? I want to hear it. I want to hear you come up with a film that's scarier than The Shining. Come on. I want The Shining. It's not a scary movie. Okay, what are your top three? What are your fucking top three then? I want to hear it. I want to hear you come up with a film that's scarier than The Shining. Come on.

I want to hear it. Come on. I want to hear it now. All right. Three. The Haunting, Robert Wise, 1963. Fuck you. That is a great film.

Thank you. Good film. Yeah? Top three. No, no. You've had your say. Suck your lollipop. Right?

So, The Haunting. All right. I'll give you that, but not... Number two. The Blair Witch Project. I like that a lot. Are you joking? No, I like it a lot. I went to see it when I lived in LA,

and I saw it with no hype, no buzz. Scared the shit out of me. Took a friend along. She thought it was real, because I told her it was real. She left crying. That's a win win if you ask me deeply traumatized i can't take you seriously you look like a melted clown

yeah i know and then my top favorite horror film of all time evil dead 2 that's not scary neither is the shining but if you're going to put it at the top of your list the shining is scary oh let me cut here's an idea Stanley Kubrick I'm not saying he's a shit director that's not what I'm saying here what I'm saying is if you want a character in a horror film who devolves into a madman don't cast Jack fucking Nicholson Jack Nicholson is a mental from the beginning

you are full of shit mate Jack Nicholson goes from slightly mental to a little bit more mental no he doesn't he goes from charismatic and charming family man to utter madman and creep. He's not meant to be. He's meant to be an abusive, alcoholic guy who never achieved anything in life.

I believe him. Listen, I'll tell you what, mate. Go on. Not only is The Shining the most fucking scary film of all time, Jack Nicholson would be my number one leading man of all time in Hollywood. Ever?

Yeah, easily. Above Tom Hanks? Easily. What are you talking talking about in the fucking same sentence hanks doesn't deserve to fucking lick the poo from his private toilet what his own private no jack nicholson's private toilet jack nicholson can lick his own poo in his own he doesn He doesn't lick poo. He's a fucking dude. And the best ever Hollywood leading man in the most scary film of all time. I disagree. Which is The Shining.

It's not scary. No, it is. It's scarier than fucking Evil Dead 2, which is obviously played for laughs. You're a dick. I'm right. I don't care what anyone else in the room thinks. Well, I happen to think you're wrong and fat.

So there you go. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You're catching up. Ash, Eggsy, what are your favorite horror films? I like Raymond Briggs' When the Wind Blows. Have you seen that? Yes.

That's not what I would call a horror, but deeply depressing. Oh, it's scary. It's horrific. Yeah. Scum, the prison movie. So you're going for oblique references. Yeah, yeah. Scum, the prison movie.

And the most terrifying of all the films, because it could be real, Threads. You ever seen that? Yes. Never watched Threads. Is that the one where the woman gives birth to a baby and it falls out all beet-toated? Beats a baby at the end of the film. And there's that whole... It's set in Sheffield and the whole thing blows up and a woman pees her pants.

For those people who've never seen it, very quickly, it's based on life in Sheffield, which would be a key area to drop a bomb if there was a nuclear war. And the BBC made it all based on fact, and it's semi-documentary, semi-drama. To cut a long story short, a young couple buy a house. They're about to have a kid.

Then the bomb drops, and then you're like, oh my God, everyone's dead. And then you watch the survivors coming out of the rubble. And you're like, what couldn't happen? How could it get much worse than this?

And then it projects to something like seven years in the future and it shows how society's broken down and people are just dying, eating each other's skin. And then it projects to about 15, 20 years in the future and it just ends with a girl crying as a beef burger baby falls out of her.

And we watched this after a month-long tour on the bus traveling back home it was about three o'clock in the morning we've been touring constantly getting mashed out of our minds and uh i just remember adam who's in the band just turned to me and he's he turned gray and he just said does anything good happen and then the credits started to roll and and we didn't we didn't speak to each other and although I own it on DVD I've never been able

to watch that film again it's the only film I've never been able to watch again it's horrific Christmas Day though it's wonderful start the day off

with When the Wind Blows for the kids it's a cartoon Scum for just after lunch Prison Life makes you feel good to be alive and then of course

round the night off with a glass of gin and thread Merry Christmas Actually I'd like to swap out Blair Witch Project for The Mist You can't fucking do that now, you have to prepare That was well reasoned Nice top three there, thank you

You, however, are a fool What have you got? Ash, go on I'd say It That scared me what have you got Ash well I'd say It okay nice that scared me the mist strictly speaking

not a movie because it was a mini series put together and released in a double VHS box set in the late 80s

I fuck you tell the 8 year old me that no no but great I mean Pennywise is a genuinely scary creation not as scary as

the face I've got on right now if I'd been like come join us us, Timmy, with this face, Tim Coy would never have had a look in for that audition. That's true. Yeah, The Mist is good, isn't it? The Mist. The Mist is good.

I mean, have you seen The Mist? Yeah. Do the ending. I don't want to spoil it because I do like taking the surprise. If people haven't seen it, we won't give the ending away. I actually watched it and I didn't see the end bit so someone had to tell me

the end it's foggy in the cinema it's a bit foggy but it is it's a wonderful film yeah with a fantastic ending

yeah it has got if a smidge dark well yeah I mean the thing is what I'd like to do is use a version of that film where after the horrible events

happen the film's about to end I just want to hear a little trombone go wah wah as it all fades to black and you see the army coming through i love that but what it does tell you is monsters not scary as mental religious freaks yeah and humanity in general just a very grim depressing film but with excellent spiders with human faces giblet creatures one yeah yeah and number one for me

i'd say is uh critters Oh, my God. Nice film. Critters was the first horror film to scour me. Because you know when Billy Zane gets eaten alive by the Critters? That stuck in my head growing up. Because you see it eating into his belly and it eats. Is it Critters? Can they find the darts in Critters? Or is that Critters 2?

I think Critters 2 has the giant Critter ball that rolls down the hill and eats people. And Critters 3 has Leonardo DiCaprio. And Critters 4 is set in space because every horror franchise eventually goes to space I just very quickly it's not scary

Ghost Dad with Bill Cosby I disagree get the shit out of me that film with the jelly pops and the put pops it's amazing brilliant

brilliant impression so that's it that's that it should we wrap up let's do this. Can I just do a quick Curtis Stigers? That's beautiful. There you go.

Thanks. In that case, round of applause for Eli's top three. And now to the housework. I just want to do a big round of applause to our guests tonight,. And now to the housework. I just want to do a big round of applause to our guests tonight, Ash Firth and Eggsy. So a round of applause to these two chaps for coming along and getting along with our daft little podcast.

And if you want to subscribe to our podcast, you can. We're on SoundCloud, but you can also subscribe to us on iTunes and Stitcher. That's kind of it, I think, in a nutshell. Eli, this is where you play us out with another selection from your selection. Oh yes, and I've in a nutshell. Eli, this is where you play us out with another selection from your selection. Oh, yes. And I've got a very Halloween-y selection. And what's it called

tonight? It is Jack the Ripper by Screaming Lord Such. Oh, beautiful choice. A lot of people don't know, this was actually produced by the infamous Joe Meek. Oh. Well, there, we've all learned something. Ash, want to say goodbye?

Bye, everybody. Eggsy, do you want to say goodbye to all the lovely Halloween people? Thanks, everybody. It's been a wonderful time. Goodbye. I've been Paul Gannon. That's been Eli Silverman. Don't have nightmares.

Just have great looking hair. Mr. Music, will you play? Yes! so tired he's got a big black cloak hanging down his back well that's a one-bed cat just a hate to fight