CheapShow - Ep 7: Justin Panks' Winking Dog's Eye

Episode Date: July 7, 2015

Special Guest Justin Panks In episode 7 on the good ship CheapShow, the boys go back to basics with a lean, mean, keen show. Paul tries to get the interest in local businesses for sponsorship and can only find Carl's Burger and Jason's Doner-Van. Eli explains once again about how special his education was and how wasted on him it was. Justin Panks is made to choose between a milky nightmare and a Freudian one! The Price of Shite takes in 3 items of unusual quality - A book, a decision maker and a dodgy copy of 1970s comedians. And in Cheap Eats, the boys go back to the Japanese well to look at a selection of fishy food and green tea candy made by a seemingly universally hated confectionery company. Once again, it seems what started as a simple show soon devolves into the usual collection of slurs and empty threats! "That's CheapShow!" So listen, enjoy, download, subscribe to "CheapShow" Follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow or @elisnoid @ashfrith Visit our lovely website for more podcasts www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, join us on Facebook - just look for "The CheapShow"! If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, share, comment... all that jazz! Subscribe to us on Stitcher or iTunes and get fortnightly geeky fun WARNING *Show contains strong language and adult material

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Camden, it smells of piss, it's Sunday, and you're listening to The Cheap Show! I'm Eli Silverman, I'm in constant anguish, and here's my co-host who mangles language, it's Paul Gannon everybody! Come up here Paul! Hello! Hello! Hello, welcome to the Chief Show. My name is Paul Gannon.

We like to start the show by introducing each other in a way we think best imparts who we are to you. So, first of all, the guy to my right. You may recognize him. He's been on the telly. He's watched Mock the Week. He's watched 8 Out of 10 Cats. He's watched all the big comedy shows. He's just not been in them. He's watched 8 Out of 10 Cats. He's watched all the big comedy shows. He's just not been in them.

He's a big success. What advert were you in again with the hamster? It was a hi-fi store in Iceland. And what happens in that advert? Sorry, Sweden. Yeah, what happens in the advert? I got attacked by a hamster. He got attacked by a hamster.

Look at the size of him. Stand up. Now you know why he lost that battle. Sex comedy wrapped up in black. It's Eli Silverman. Round of applause for him. Right, go on. So I get to introduce you now?

Yeah, you do now, yeah. Oh, Paul. How should I introduce thee? I don't know, actually. He's like a broomstick with some straw put on, glued on, in a shirt. Everybody,

it's Paul Gannon. Whoa, that was the best one, yeah. You made me basically a scarecrow. You're a scarecrow. You're emotionally bereft.

Wow. That went off at the deep end quickly. Well, you know what you said to me that time? What? Yeah,

with people I love die, I couldn't really care care i didn't say that i said i cried more the end of lost than i'd cried at people's funerals exactly all right fair enough that is a salient point but it still doesn't mean i'm not i'm not emotional i've got feelings i've got needs yeah not those k i've got emotional needs you've got emotional needs yeah what you need to watch programs that you cry at the end of? Yeah, Lost was a great example. Jack dies at the end.

Spoilers. Oh, come on. It's been out for like 10 years. How could anyone be spoiler-centric at this point on that show? It's like Jesus dies at the end of the Bible. Spoilers. No. No, he comes back.

In the middle of the Bible. Oh, whatever. Anyway, welcome to the show, everybody. Right, so Cheap Show is the economy comedy podcast for your ears, where we go through the bargain bins, the charity shops, the flea markets. Thrift stores. Of the world. And we bring back all of our treasure to you to play with tonight. I want to start the show, though, by saying that because of the success of this podcast,

and it has weirdly been successful. One laugh. I think it might have been for my girlfriend. It was more of a before. Yeah, it was more of a really? I'm looking into advertising for the show now. Oh, yeah. We can't get the big names,

so I've gone with proper industries that have knock-off titles that might inspire. So, yeah. Who's our sponsors? I'm interested. We've got a few interested parties. So we've had a Dominic's Pizza. I've been interested in giving us some money for that.

Disney's store. They sell beds. This is a real business, by the way, the Disney store. What else we got? We sell fridges. Sell fridges. We sell fridges. That's...

Yeah, no. Say it again. It makes it funnier if you say it again. We sell fridges. Thank you. Right, okay. Sell fridges. That's the joke. if you say it again we sell fridges thank you right okay sell fridges that's the joke

yeah what do they sell fridges yeah they do um um Colesburger Colesburger

they're interested as well they put a bit of money in but I've said no because there's a bit of a hot competition between this other burger van I'm really interested how many burger vans well there's another hot food store

that I'm going to use what about Dominic's Pizza that's hot isn't it well you think so but no they've been pushing too much for a brand integration into the thing. So every five seconds, it would be Dominic's Pizza this, Dominic's Pizza that. So no, I'm not interested. Okay.

The one I'm going to go for, they've put a lot of interest in, is Jason's Donovan. What? Nothing. Jason's Donovan? Yeah. It's great because we've already got a logo and an advert picked out. We're going to do Jason's Donovan. We make Donors

especially for you. You got heckled by the kitchen there. I think we got heckled by a farting chair. So. And, you know, too many broken kebabs in the world. There's too many. No, that doesn't work at all, really. That's all the Jason

Donovan hits I could think of as well for this bit. Anyone can think of any other Jason Donovan hits? Jason Don of as well for this bit. Anyone can think of any other Jason Donovan hits? Jason Donovan, he was this singer. There was this decade, right? It was the 80s.

Obviously, it was a few years before anyone else in this room, apart from us, was born. But it did exist. And there were singers.

Yeah. Sealed with a kiss. Sealed with a sheesh. We can do that instead. It's not sheesh, it's Donna. Well then, quiet down, Neil. What did he say?

Mysterious shrimp? Yeah, I know, that's why I said quieting down. That's not a Jason Donovan song. Sealed with a shrimp. Peter Andre, Mysterious Girl. We're not talking about Peter Andre, we're talking about Jason's Donovan. Peter Andre, as far as I know, does not have a hot burger stall.

What about Peter Laundry? All right, that works. He could do shirt ironing service. No, Peter Andre. Peter Andre's Laundry. That's too busy going on. So it's a place where you buy pizza and get your clothes pressed. Yeah, I like that.

I take my trousers off. In the store? You take your pants off in the store. You go into a nice changing room, you take your trousers off, you put that through a slot, and then a nice steaming slice comes through the slot. In exchange for your pants. And you sit there, and you can watch TV maybe, eat the slice. Lovely.

Now I'll have my trousers back. Crisp. Deep pan. Deep pan trouser press. Oh, this is all good. So if you're listening, Peter Andre, maybe go into the pizza or laundry business. You might be.

There's this place that sells pizza right in Brighton. It's called Joey's. What? It's spelled J-O-E-O-E. J-O-E-O-E. Joey. Did they spell Jolene wrong? Is that what happened?

Yeah. It's like Jolene's peeped from the Elf. Have you seen that thing? God, I'm really going on a tangent here, Paul. Go on. I'm sorry, but there's

this thing I saw on Facebook. It's like people have played Jolene the single at 33 RPM instead of 45 RPM. Single, it's like these records. They had them in the 80s. Stop saying the 80s. It's a lost decade.

Everyone's going, oh, it sounds amazing. I think I prefer it like this. It does not. It sounds like fucking Jolene. What does it sound like? Slow down. It sounds slower.

It's like Jolene. It's not that slow. Jolene. I'm trying to get the right pitch down. What would it be? It's more like that. Jolene. Jolene.

So it sounds like a man. Sounds like a man. Would you recommend have you slowed any other track down and improved it? Yeah once I bought a Led Zeppelin song Yeah

That one that goes That one Yeah that one Yeah It was in the 70s it was a decade apparently that we all forgot about

And no but when I bought it in the shop, the guy, the terrible, nerdy record shop twat who was in there, was like, oh, have you heard it? If you listen to it on 33, I think it sounds like industrial goth metal from Berlin.

I'm like, I don't give a fuck, mate. Wow. I don't give a fuck. You didn't say that to him. I don't want to play at the wrong speed. don't you know if i fucking if i put a pin through it it makes a nice brooch doesn't it i mean what the fuck did you hear about what they heard about beethoven as well this is a fact beethoven supposedly every time someone's played beethoven live in an orchestra they play at the wrong speed because towards the end of beethoven's life he was using a metronome which is a new

invention at that time to score his music So he went back to all of his previous seven or eight compositions at that time. Symphonies? Yes, and he put a new metronome on them. The problem is, I don't think he quite got it because he made the metronome markings on the score sheet too fast. So you know like Ode to Joy is da da

da da da da da da. He scores it so it has to sound like da da da da da da da da da da da to sound like That's better It's the Gabba version Yeah that one So there you go Fact I don't think I should have brought that up

Fair enough So how's your week been? What have you been up to? Not much No? What about you? I was DJing last night Yeah how did i go good no complaints no one usually get complaints when you do sometimes i do get complaints like wash

or shave or call you get requests like oh could you turn it down a bit yeah thank you um um yeah no one asked for a the dirty dancing soundtrack or anything off the blues brothers or the grease soundtrack that's the worst could you know the worst one was when Yeah, no one asked for A, the Dirty Dancing soundtrack, or anything off the Blues Brothers, or the Grease soundtrack. That's the worst. Could you play Grease? No, I thought the worst one was when someone comes up to you at a blues night and says, can you play Rumours by Fleetwood Mac?

Yeah, that's the one I hate the most. Fucking Rumours. Do you hate Rumours, or you just don't like the suggestion of it? I hate everybody in this earth. Wow, okay. I hate people. I was on the tube today just thinking you fucking middle-aged woman i'll kill you i don't care if you've got your children with you because she kept

bumping me with a fucking bag she's on the tube there's not much space fuck her wow sorry and you're and you're single and lonely right yeah at, yeah. Why do you think that is? Because I choose this lifestyle. Kids don't use drugs. So, should we crack on? Yeah. Yeah, should we get our guest on? Let's get the guest on. Ladies and gentlemen, for every Cheap Show, Cheap Show, we have a guest, and that guest

comes along, and we barrage them with the rest of the evening. So our guest tonight is a stand-up comedian. He's a very funny man and he's standing in for Ash Frith who apparently has a father who has a birthday and he has to go

and do that instead. Fucking people. Instead of doing a free show at cost for a small audience. And I think by and large it's very selfish of him.

Did you just say we're going to barrage the guest for the rest of the night? What does that even mean? Barrage him with the rest of the show. You'll notice

that's the first canonism of the night. Paul does that even mean? Barrage. Barrage with the rest of the show. You'll notice that's the first canonism of the night. Paul cannot speak properly. Oh yes I'll barrage you. What the fuck does that mean?

It doesn't mean anything. It's a word that people use to onslaught. A barrage of something. A barrage.

No not a barrage. A barrage. You can say it posh. You can't say. Like garage. I'm going to barrage you For the rest of the night

Yeah When you're in the company Of a beautiful lady And that's your chat up line You can just say Hey lady We've had some chips You've had a glass of wine

Now I'm going to barrage you For the rest of the evening That's perfectly fine Okay Just get him on Let's barrage him Anyway That was the introduction

For our act guest tonight Justin Panks everybody Hello Anyway, that was the introduction for our act guest tonight, Justin Panks, everybody. Hello. Welcome to the show. Thank you. How are you feeling? Are you wondering whether an early night might have been better for you?

No, I'm happy to be here. In that tone of voice. Yeah. I understand. Right, so we like to get our guests on. We give them a brief interview. Shall I sit down or stand up? Yeah, please. You can stand up.

We'll be walking around at some point. It's all laissez-faire, this show. I don't know what that means. Yeah, I think it means lay back. I don't know. But we do our little interview. So we have three questions for you. And here's your first question,

to know a little bit more about you. So, Justin, you're a comedian. Yes. That's the question. No, no, no, no. It's not. The question is this. That's the question. No, no, no, no. It's not. The question is this. Every comedian

has a question that when they're asked it pierces their soul and this is the question that a lot of stand-ups like. So here's a question for you. Tell us a joke. Oh, really?

Yeah, you see? No comedian likes that question. When you're out and about and you see a famous comedian don't go up to him and say tell us a joke. Because if you went to see a comedian, right, nowadays and if he got up and started see a famous comedian don't go up to him and say tell us a joke because if he went to see a comedian

right nowadays and if he got up and started going a bloke walked into a bar you'd walk out we don't tell jokes off that bar

yeah we don't tell jokes we sit on couches and talk about this whatever this is this is the new comedy tell us a joke

I'll tell you what happened the other night a punter told me a joke and I've never heard it before go on that's even worse that's worse than asking us to tell you a joke the other night a punter told me a joke and I've never heard it before go on that's even worse that's worse than asking us to tell you a joke

is when you tell us jokes we really fucking hate that oh yeah give me some tips brilliant yeah but he came up to me and he got it wrong

but I'll tell it right no I'll tell it right he goes the way he got it wrong was funnier than the right way but I'll tell you the right way he said why did the chicken cross the road

why to go to the idiot's. He said, why did the chicken cross the road? Why? To go to the idiot's house. Knock, knock. Who's there? The chicken. I like that. That's good.

But he said, the idiot. Yeah. He said, knock, knock. I went, who's there? He went, the idiot. No, the chicken. Oh, no. It's you.

You're in the house, mate. You really are the idiot, mate. He was right the first time. Did he say it as well? You can use that in your set, mate. No, he pointed at me. Did he say as well, you can use that in your set, mate? No, he pointed at me. I did it as well. He just pointed at me like that. You were waiting.

Yeah, okay, see ya. I was on my way out. All right. Slammed the door in his face. All right, question number two comes from Mr. Silverman there. Okay, so, Justin, you work in showbiz. Yes. Yeah, you'd say.

So, I've heard that a lot of people in showbiz, they like to, you know, they're hedonistic and they experiment with various substances. Have you ever? I believe so. Have you ever been tempted? What, in show business? Tempted to, I don't know, after you've done a big gig. Have a kebab.

Or have something even harder, maybe, like a doner. Jason's Donovan. Jason's Donovan. Cheap a doner Jason's Donovan Jason's Donovan cheap show sponsored by Jason's Donovan like a you know maybe some marijuana or even a legal

high or something have you ever been tempted no never well I didn't start until I was like 33 and I was

what doing drugs yeah no finish that by that point I'm more one of these people that just drives home and has a Horlicks. Oh. Just crawls into bed.

We've reached that age now. I am that age. I am 40. Well, that's my question. It was a good question. Why did you even ask a question about drugs anyway? Well, I don't want to talk about it. It's not really appropriate.

To get me off on the right foot, isn't it? I've just met this guy. Would you like to incriminate yourself on a podcast? He comes here, and it's going to be broadcast. People are going to listen. Why would he admit to taking drugs? Well, he hasn't. No, I know, but why would you even ask that question?

But not admitting to it is worse. I don't know. I'm not asking whether he does. Why? Because I'm interested on a sociological level. Why? Because I'm desperate for drugs. Right, so you were just trying to get a contact.

Have you got any drugs? Oh, was yours for me? I don't know. We'll talk afterwards. I feel like I'm a relate counsellor up here. It's like you can only talk if you're holding the stapler from now on. A lot of acts do say that when they come on the show, it is like they're doing

couples therapy with me and him being the couple. So, your question. I've got one last question then, right? One last question. We'd like to end our little interview with a morality question, such as you know, would you go back in time and... Would you admit to taking drugs, that sort of thing? Would you go back and kill baby Hitler, all those kind of things?

So, I've got a very difficult moral quandary that I need an answer for you on. So, it's a very hard decision to make. I want you to listen carefully to the options. Right. Would you eat a lovely bowl of ice cream with sprinkles or make love to your mother on YouTube,

which of those two would you do? I'm lactose intolerant. Oh, right. So that answers itself. Could I just have one more question? That's fucking worse than the drug question, man. Could I just have one more question? Yeah, go on. So there's no way you can sort me out any drugs?

No. I didn't say that. I didn't say that. Okay. All right. We'll talk about it after. So we've learned tonight that Justin knows one joke. He can set you up with drugs and he would have sex with his mother on YouTube

rather than a lovely bowl of ice cream. No, I would suffer the indignity of about 12 hours of a bunged up feeling. And diarrhea. Yeah, I think I would just about go for that one. All right, good. Hooray! Justin's interviewed Don and Dustin. So now we go on to

the game show element of the show. We do a little thing where, a little game we like to play called The Price of Shite. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. Oh, it's the fucking price of shite, and that's right.

So that's our jingle, right? And it's for fucking price of shite oh it's the fucking price of shite and that's right so that's our jingle right and it's for this game basically one week Eli will go to a shop or I'll go to a charity shop we'll go dumpster diving

for tat and we come on stage and then our guest Justin has to guess the price of the shite and you as well

and the audience we're playing against each other the audience can have a go but they're not really you know know, they don't count. No, they have input. Your input is valid, but it will be ignored. So that's an important element to keep in mind.

Right. So I have three. Produce the shite. I have three shites to add the S on to go through today. The first one. What's number one? Make sure. Also, make sure you've taken the price tags off.

Every time he goes, oh, it's 1020p. I forget to take the stickers off. Okay. Oh, is it something else? Is it another one that you want? No. He's bought something he wants. Anyway, go on. Alright, it's a book called How to Survive a Horror Movie

by Seth Graham Smith. All the skills to dodge the kills. So it's a kind of manual book about how to survive a horror film. Did you buy this from a charity shop? Yeah, I did. Which one? It's a charity shop in Southampton.

I can't remember the name of the charity shop. So you don't even know which charity's got your money? No, I think it was Scope. You think? I'm hoping it was Scope. I know which charity shops. I know their price points. That's why I asked. Yeah, he knows. I'm fucking taking this serious. money i think it was scope you think i'm hoping it was scope i know which charity shops i know their price points that's why he knows i'm fucking taking this serious i'll tell you it was a proper

charity shop it wasn't like a you know mr smith's army navy surplus charity stores it was a proper brand yeah you know corporate central location or central location okay middle of town it's very important we get that certain right so i'll just give you a taste of what's in the book give us a taste 10 things to never ever put in a child's room one any pictures or representations of a clown i think that's that says itself right fair point clowns are you scared by clowns no i love clowns i'm sexually attracted to fucking clowns

no that wasn't the question i asked that's a bigger reason not to put one of the i've got special translucent tattoos of laughing clowns on the inside of my eyelids. Again, not what I asked. If I lie down, close my eyes, and then turn the light on, clowns. Why are clowns scared? People are scared of clowns, aren't they?

People are. I just think they're shit. They're really shit, aren't they? Like, yeah, you've got big feet, mate. I get it, but... And it's like the worst hack joke to latch on to. Oh, we've got to have big feet mate I get it but and it's like the worst hack joke to latch on to

oh we've got to have big feet because that's so funny 200 years of clowning you've got to have a red nose and massive feet that's fucking gold

and just out of interest Eli did you study clownage I did yes but that wasn't that type of clowning

it wasn't that kind of clown what kind of clown were you you haven't got big feet at all. No. I know what that says about you. I'm just pointing that out. It says I've also suffered from a condition called micropenis. Okay.

I don't know why this is coming out. It's a little USB stick. No, I don't have enough memory on that. It's barely a megabyte. He can upload his clown images. Mate, my dick's a megabyte. I tell you that. Anyway, moving on.

So, anyway, that's that. Clowns out the way. Number two, indoor play tents. Have you ever noticed an indoor play tent? Only in the Sixth Sense, right? Yeah. Is there a bit where he goes in an indoor play tent? Oh, maybe that's what it is, indoor play tent.

I don't remember. We used to have this little, this kind of full-size Lego system. Yeah. Lego? It was like Lego. But full-size Lego system. Yeah. Lego? It was like Lego. But full-size. But like big plates. You was just smaller, I think.

No, no, that's it. I was never that small. You were cut small. That's Duplo, and you was just a really tiny child. No. I had a micro-penis. Did you work on a building site? That's like full-size Lego, isn't it?

No, anyway. You were the foreman on a Lego building site. No, I was a child in fucking kilburn right and it was like it was like you could build actual indoor structures with it it was so cool we built a house and you lived in it all summer i stayed in it all summer yeah he did he did describe stud walling 10 things to never put in a kid's room number three windows apparently it says here don't the fritzel edition because kids can get windows because kids can get snatched kids can get snatched out by vampires or scary trees

that's what it says here number four is doors same reason, snatch five never put in a kid's room one of those toy monkeys that bangs their symbols together that's a good example have you seen Toy Story 3

with that monkey with the symbols? Yeah. One of the most horrific images in kids' animation, and it's a little monkey with a symbol. He was one of the big villains. I just want to say I've got children. That's the only reason I've seen that. I just want to separate myself from everyone else in the room.

You're allowed to admit it's Pixar's A Cut Above. It's not like we're talking DreamWorks. Get out. Right, so number six. Do not put in a kid's room frame photographs of any dead relatives i think if you put any dead relatives pictures in a kid's room that's an unnecessary cruelty yeah i'd only have a dead relative framed in my house if they left me the house no like i'd sort of pay homage to them apart from that it doesn't fuck about the the relatives? I'm working class, man. Yeah. Like, we don't care.

I know like one uncle. I meet people in the street. My mom goes, I think we're related to him, but I don't know who the fuck he is. No pictures. Yeah. Right. Number seven, Ouija boards. Yeah. That's fair.

Yeah. The weird thing about Ouija boards is this. They were made to be a kid's toy. They're licensed by Milton Bradley in America. And the idea was originally a Victorian parlor game that would be a kind of, will I get married? Yes or no.

Will my husband have tall hair? Will he have... When he takes his top hat off, it'll just go up like kid and play. Oh, he has very tall hair. You want to grab him? He's a keeper. What?

So anyway... This is what I mean, people. This is what I have to contend with. And over time... Tall hair. Over time, the Ouija board became synonymous with the supernatural

because of the spiritualism movement and because of the film The Exorcist. And now everyone thinks it's evil when actually, it's just a very unscary

scrabble board with a planchette. Same to be said for the monkey with the symbols. Yeah. It started off for a bit of fun.

They just used to be in Nirvana videos and now they're seen as this bastion of evil. Talking of pictures, my mate, Virgil had he had this motivational picture in his room that is off it was a little boy hugging a chimp what's to be inspired by that it's like a black and white photo of a little boy sort of walking hand in hand with a chimp and it said happiness is your mates or something like

that you know some kind of fucking thing but virgil because of his overactive imagination noticed that there was sort of the way that the shadows formed at the edge of the frame of this picture was like the face this screaming face and once you've seen it you know it's one of those things you can't unsee it and you lie there in bed the the screaming face on the picture. There's that. Poor old Virgil. Poor Virgil. No, he's doing alright now. A child horror picture. Right, number eight. Do not put in a kid's room any crucifix featuring

an open-eyed Jesus. It is likely to weep blood. That's what it says here. And do not use them as an invitation. I've never seen in any form of media someone go, come over here. Do you want to come to a party?

Here's Christ on a cross with his eyes open. I don't think that translates. You know what? That book is humorous, Paul. So what you've done, essentially... I think these are specific references that we're not getting. They are. They're mostly poltergeist references.

Oh, are they? Yeah, I think so. No, Exorcist 2 has a bleeding Christ eye. Oh, right. Oh, God. I remember when it cried in Only Fools and Horses.

Yeah, I do remember Fools and Horses. What, Christ cried in Only Fools and Horses? Yeah, because Dale would lick the lead off the roof. What a classic.

Only Fools and Horses was a thing in the 80s, by the way, which is a decade that I think we all skipped. Number nine, a bed with more than four

inches between the box springs and the floor, in case of boogeymen. Scary. And nine, a bed with more than four inches between the box springs and the floor in case of Boogeyman. Scary. And finally, number ten, closets. Very scary, yes. So you've got no doors, no window,

no closets, no gap. It's an Uber yet, basically. You're describing Guantanamo Bay. So to keep your child safe in a horror movie. Put them in an orange boiler suit and they're golden. Just drop it in a hole in the fucking floor and then incarcerate it. Well, there you go. So, how to survive a horror film, horror movie, a book.

How much, Eli? We're going to go to Eli first. Do you think this costs or cost at the Scope charity shop in Southampton? £1.25. £1.25. Do I get an over or under? Well, here's the rule. Do I go £1.26 and be one of them? You could be one of them, but I'm not going to be one of them. £1. Do I get an over or under? You can go... Well, here's the rules. Do I go £126 and be one of them?

You could be one of them, but... I'm not going to be one of them. £127. No, I'm... God. No. What was you saying? Sorry.

Whoever gets closest gets the point. So you don't have to be spot on. Just whoever's closest to it. So Eli said £1 what? £25. £1.25. Which is a good guess. So I'm going to go £175.

£175. Anyone in the audience want to hazard a guess? £299. £299 from the gentleman who shouts out a lot. Who else? What do you, madam? About a pound. Right, okay, good. No, sorry.

Gentlemen, do you want to take a guess? 150, he says, shaking his head and going, I have no interest. And the rules of the game mean that we go through all the items before you reveal the prices. We'll remember, so keep in mind. So that's item number one. Item number two is this. Do you think that might be an item that Paul might be interested in keeping and reading himself whilst taking a shit or something?

It's a possibility, all right? See, I put my heart into it when I buy this shite. You know, I buy really useless shit that no one wants. You know? Like a bag of rocks. To be fair, I would put that in that category. Right. Book, out of the way, item number two is this.

It is a paperweight, but it's also a decision-making spinning device. You put it on the ground. There's a little red dot, and you say, oh, should I do my tax invoices? And you spin it, and it slows down. Eventually, it will say tomorrow. So, Eli, ask it a question, and we'll see what it spins on. Will I get laid before the end of the year? That's a

wide margin of error we've built in. It's been playing in my mind a bit recently. Will Eli have sex before the end of the year? It's spinning, it's spinning the paper weight. It's heavy by the way. It's a nice piece of objet d'art this. It's taken a while to slow down. I'm filling in, I'm filling in. I can edit this out. It's a nice piece of objet d'art, this. It's taken a while to slow down. I'm filling in.

I'm filling in. I can edit this out. It's slowly coming to an end. I'm guessing it's going to say, fuck no. It's going to say, eww. So, will Eli have sex before the end of the year? Our survey says... It's still going.

Oh, please. It says, sit on it. Oh, please. It says, sit on it. Sit on it. Your hand, I'm supposing, that's in reference to... Sit on your hand. What, and it goes numb? And then, yeah, it feels like someone else. All right.

Justin, do you want to have a little spin? I won't spin it so vigorously this time. Yeah, that was ages. Oh, I've got to think of a question. Yeah. Can I spin it? I'd like to have a look at it because I this time. Yeah, that was ages. Oh, I've got to think of a question. Yeah. Can I spin it? I'd like to have a look at it because I need to.

Yeah. Don't look at the bottom. It's a heavy little thing. I can't think of a question. I want to know the answer to it. Anything. Nothing too heavy like,

you know, will I die? Yeah, you and I are going to die. We all die. Yeah. Oh, fucking hell. All right.

Stupid or what? Some of us are holding on to an optimistic thought that they'll live forever. Yeah. That would not be... That's not optimistic. That's weird. All right. Imagine how bored you'd be after 1,500 years.

You would have seen every episode of, like, Doctor Who, wouldn't you? Yeah, bloody hell. And I can finally catch up on the wire. You've probably seen every episode of Doctor Who, like, 500 years ago. Yeah. Then what are you going to do? Can we... Do you have a question?

The answer can be no, by the way. No, I'll think of a question. Is my fungal infection on my big toenail going to clear up? Okay, let's ask the spinny thing of doom. Spin it more than... Oh, right, okay. No, I'm not going to spin it. That's about fucking right.

He's right. What's it say errrrr yes yay good because it looks like a mini baby bell

alright you've seen this magnificent thing in action it's got some it's got a nice action it's got a very smooth action I mean there's some engineering going into that

I'm not going to lie it's actually some quality ball bearings in there imagine you had that on a skateboard or something you'd be like going zippity dodoo-dah.

So, not touching it. I know it's got a good action to it. It's got a great action. It goes forever. It's got some weight. It's got some girth. It's got some proper

fucking girth to it. You could kill a man with that, couldn't you? You could batter someone to death with that. You could spin it, make a decision about whether you're going

to kill a man, and if it says yes, you could use it to. Two birds in one. It's quite sinister to think whose desk that was on, if it was someone

that makes really important decisions, wasn't it? Head of Barclays. Yeah, the head of Barclays. Am I going to get a loan for my small business to stop my family starving? Hang on. It's made by a company called Max Tor. Ever heard of them? No, never. It's essentially an eight ball. It is a magic eight

ball, but it's designed like a dial. But it's not 1986. Okay, so you want me to go first? How much do you think that cost at the charity shop? I'd say this price of shite... Interesting. You see, it's a quality build. Yeah. Right.

We're going to go into detail with this. But it is a quality build. It's got a nice finish. Yeah. But it is essentially a useless piece of crap. It's a novelty gift, isn't it? It's a novelty item, but it has that... I mean, you've got literally quite a bit of steel.

I know you're impressed by the weight of it. I'm impressed by the weight. Are you getting this? I'm impressed by the weight. £1.50. I'm going to go £1. £1. Interesting.

Anyone in the audience? £3.49 is an extravagance. What kind of Interesting. Anyone in the audience? £3.49. Way out, mate. Extravagance. What kind of charity shops they see you coming, mate? This wasn't bought in London, was it? They're in London.

This is a Southampton bar. Yeah, Southampton. I'm thinking Southampton. That's why I asked. In Southampton? Not in Southampton. Well, then, sir. You don't know what you're talking about.

You're operating on incorrect information, sir. Yeah, yeah. Step down, mate. Step down. Right. Right, so. Our last about. You're operating on incorrect information, sir. Yeah. Yeah. Step down, mate. Step down. Right. Right. So. Our last item.

You said 150 and you said? One pound. Pound even. Right. So keep those in mind. The final one tonight and my favourite buy from a charity shop. Oh, is there something else that Paul wants? No, I don't want this.

It won't be funny. It's a VHS tape. Now, the VHS were popular in the decade called the 80s. And you'd put Like a DVD Except there were cassettes And you put them in And got low definition

Video quality products So You know The Videos I can't think of Where to end that sentence And I

Stop trying to start sentences Right I'll stop Right so But this video is The 20th anniversary Reunion Of TV's The Comedians.

Now, this means something to me. This has all the great acts of the 80s, such as Bernard Manning. I just said 70s, The Comedians. 70s, to be fair, yeah. So you've got Bernard Manning, Stan Boardman, Roy Walker. It's close, but it's not quite right. You said good, but not right. No, it's good.

Your impression was good, but not right. Like the impression. Exactly. It's kind, but it's not quite right. You said good, but not right. No, it's good. Your impression was good, but not right. Like the impression. Exactly. It's kind of meta. You know what that guy, what's he called? Roy Walker. Yeah, that's what he says when he's abusing his children. Oh.

Why are you going down the dark place? It's good, but it's not right. Come on. That's funny. No, it's not funny. In certain circumstances, you could probably get away with it. Dick Miller. Who is this?

Ivor Davis and Tony Jo. So let me just read the back of this video. It's 59 minutes runtime, 20 years ago. A group of young comics. Bernard Manning was never young. He's dead now. Now this is the example of a terrible sequel. This is like a revisit in...

This is the Jurassic World a terrible sequel because it was shit when it was this is like a revisit in this is the jurassic world of comedian videos someone's gone down the old people's home with a video camera basically and yeah they flogging a dead horse put the nice racist video on for the old ladies they love that it's 18 rated this of course it is it's smutty it is so 20 years ago a young group of comedians were given their first television break on granada tv's award-winning show the comedians to mark the 20th anniversary on Granada TV's award winning show The Comedians to mark the 20th anniversary of the first show nine of the original team

were reunited on stage in a hysterical concert to raise money for the guide dogs of the blind okay filmed in front of a capacity audience

at the Coiffers Night Spot Coiffers? Coiffers Night Spot can I just say I can see a Warner Brothers logo yeah it's got a proper thing on it holy fuck this video contains

the comedians at their very best in a style you've never seen before these are definitely gags they weren't allowed to do on tv warning this video contains racist material that will cause offense does it doesn't really but it actually implies that paul could i just say yeah could i just retract that thing about him abusing his kids i might edit it out the show eli i was very remiss i might take it out the show don't take it out you're censoring me take it out of my head um i'm gonna go low can i go first this time yes of course i'm gonna go 25 pence this is a doorstop right yeah yeah do you have a look so you say 25 i'm gonna go low

low 25p you know uh having frequented charity shops for years, usually looking for vinyl, I have seen a lot of charity shops these days no longer accepting video cassettes. They say it on the door, don't they? They say, don't bring them here. We don't want them. Especially comedians' ones of racist jokes.

Especially the 20th anniversary of the racist comedians. I will say 50p. 50p, okay. Anyone else in the audience want to take a guess? Anyone else think they know? 10p. You've gone from the dizzy heights of £3.75 and come crashing down to 10p.

Okay, we're going to go through this. First of all, you said £1.25. I said £1.75. For the horror book. The answer was 50p. So Eli gets the point there. We're going to be out. The spinning decision-maker paperweight with a nice heft to it that Eli appreciates.

You said, Eli? £1.50. I said £1. The answer there was £1. So you get it spot on. He's on the nose. He's on the nose. So here we go.

It's all to play for with the comedians. I am literally holding in a big poo. Sorry, Paul. Oh, it's not me you need to apologise to, Eli.

It's not. I'm having fun. I'm enjoying the podcast. We all are, right? Yeah, but don't mention your bowel movements. I said I'm holding it in. It doesn't matter. You're still

bringing reference to a point no one in this room wants to visualise. I'm just saying I'm so excited about who's going to win the game that I'm holding in a poo. Great. So now we've all got your winking dog's eye puckering up. I'm sorry. Winking dog's eye. That's what we should call this episode, man.

Right, winking dog's eye. Okay, good. The comedian's videotape, Eli, you said? 50p. 25. The price was 20p. So Justin is the winner tonight. Round of applause for Justin. I feel like I should say in my victory speech that my wife works for a charity.

Oh, right. I feel like a bit of a ringer. This is your plight. You get to take that. She might take this. No, that's mine. Oh, right. And that is.

You can have the naughty video. Oh, thanks. But I don't want, I want the book and the paperweight. So does she work in charity retail? Yeah, she does.

Yeah, she manages the whole region. But this isn't about her. But I wish I'd have watched this before when you asked me to tell you a joke and then I could have in a regional accent

like Birmingham said some horrific. Yeah exactly. Every single one. Oh only one of them hasn't got a bow tie on. That's why it costs

less. You get less comedy. Bernard Manning letting the side down. You know Bernard Manning used to open for Sinatra. Did he really?

Yeah he used to do comedy in songs before Sinatra came on. Ladies and gentlemen blah blah blah racist and now for Sinatra. Did he really? Yeah, he used to do comedy in songs before Sinatra came on. Ladies and gentlemen, blah, blah, blah, racist, and now Frank Sinatra. Yeah, no, I can't. No?

I still can't after that impression. I think that's put me further away from imagining it. That's all miles away. I'm not Bobby Davrot, all right?

I can't be. Or a Jason Modern Impressionist, a John Coulshaw, or an Alistair McGowan. Alistair McGowan. Alistair McGowan, not whatever. The point being is the game is over.

That was the fucking prize of shot. And that's right. Right. You won. What's next pool. Right. The next part of the show is our last part of the show, but it's our favorite part of the show.

It's cheap. Eat. Do we have a jingle for cheap eats? No. Should we make one up? Boat, boat, boat, boat, boat, cheap eats do we have a jingle for cheap eats no should we make one up cheap eats cheap eats cheap eats I like it

little pukey noise so we live in a time now of austerity we live in an era where you just might not be able to afford the big brand things that you are accustomed to at such highfalutin stores as a Co-op or a Tesco's or a Sainsbury's. And so we go through the shops and we

find cheap alternatives for good meals. So what have we got today? Do you want to start with something nice or something nasty? Oh, are you allergic to anything by the way, Justin? No. Do you hate anything? No. Alright, good the way, Justin? No. Are you... Vegetarian? No. All right, good.

We've had that before. It ruins the show when you've got to call an ambulance. Is there anyone in the audience who might get sick if we feed them something? Depends what it is, Eli. Right. So what's first? Let's start with something I'm personally quite interested in. Yeah.

And it looks quite nice. In your cheap bag. Oh, what is it? This is a Nestle Crunch. But Eli, we've heard of Nestle Crunch. What makes this chocolate nut bar so interesting? It's got green tea in it. Does it?

Yes. It's a green tea Nestle Crunch. Nestle Japan Mini Crunch Puff filled with matcha. It's matcha. Is that green tea? Is that what green tea is? Yes. And this, by the way, is where we mentioned Nestle

and every single comedian in the world hates us. Yeah. Yeah. We should have thought of that, shouldn't we? We should have. Well, it's been out. Make those by throwing babies in an incinerator or something. Well, sorry, everybody.

Sorry. But I'm going to taste it. It's cheap. It's cheap. How cheap? Did we say that I missed that? It was three quid. It wasn't that cheap. That's not. I'm going to taste it. It's cheap. It's cheap. How cheap? Did we say that I missed that? It was three quid. It wasn't that cheap.

That's not what I was going to say. I didn't say it's not cheap. Why do you want to charge people for water and stuff? All right. Normal drinking water. Thank you. I wanted to try it. All right, here we go.

I'm going to try one. Is there a ceremony or just green tea? No, no, you go for it first, Justin. And this is what's the last flavour mark out of ten? Matcha, which is green tea. Oh, so it looks like a normal chocolate crunch. He's reacting. Justin, there's a reaction.

What are you thinking? You know when you think something's going to taste like one thing and it tastes like another? Yeah. It tastes like sushi. Oh. There's a sushi flavour. Can you get that or am I just...

I think it's just the green tea of it all. I think that's what it is. It tastes a bit like sushi. Okay. That green stuff they put around the seaweed wrap. Can you get that? Nori. Yeah.

Yeah, it tastes like that. You've got something coming up for you later that you're going to love. Because we've got some nori. So anyway, I do actually quite like it. Okay, so Paul, what's your thoughts? I actually quite liked it. You can taste the tea. You can taste the green tea.

What's the texture like? Just like a chocolate crunch. It's been a bit warm in the bag. I like chocolate at that temperature. You're not one of these people who go for the cold chocolate. No. Some people keep the chocolate in the fridge. Some people swear on that, don't they? Yeah.

They say, fuck! That was another thing that came about in the 80s, that decade we keep going. They go, you can put your Mars bars in the fridge and we didn't believe them, but we tried it and we liked it. Yeah, and then they had Mars bar ice cream didn't they? Yeah, and they broke

a tooth on it. Let's not get into that. It's too late. Okay, I'm going to give it a taste. All right, go. Think sushi. I know what you mean

about them. It's a fishy thing. That might have been in your pocket, Eli. Fishy chocolate. Oh no, that's really fishy.

Yeah, it is. I don't think it's that fishy. It's got a kind of castor oil almost taste to it. Oh, like a cod liver oil even. Yeah, cod is. I don't think it's that fishy. I got fish. It's got a kind of castor oil, almost, taste to it. Oh, like a... Cod liver oil, even.

Yeah, cod liver oil. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. See if anyone else agrees with me that it tastes like sushi. Would anyone like to try one? Would you like to try one,

Now we've sold it so well. Would you like to try one, a green tea? It's not bad. You're allergic. Are you allergic to green tea? Yeah. Oh.

What about normal tea? All right. Oh, it's the same plant i don't believe him all right i don't believe you i'm gonna say out of 10 i actually quite like that i would give that an eight i would give that an eight as well really you like it i'm quite adventurous i like things that are a bit unusual despite the fishy aftertaste now let's see our audience are going for it now and let's get some reactions from the audience here now sir you've just bitten down on that uh baby killing brand brand of green tea crunch and what what are your thoughts it tastes like shit okay well egon neurone it's nice to have your

employed gross developed palate anyway did you have some as well? No, she didn't. Okay. Madam. It's horrible. It's horrible, she says. Wow, it's really not. This is usually horrible. You gave it eight. Both of you gave it eight. I quite liked it. I'm as surprised as anyone by that result. Did you find it fishy?

Very fishy. Very fishy. Oh, man. I was expecting a better reaction to this. Yeah? This is one of the nice things. Yeah. Well, what's the next thing we've got?

The next thing. Okay. Okay. Let's see if we can get better. I would only give that a five because of the fishiness. All right. Okay. Let's see.

What else have we got in here? Okay. I thought it was an experience. Yeah. Right. If you like that, here we have some rank on chips. They sound nice. Rank on.

And what is rank on? It is, I believe, a root vegetable that they use in Japanese cuisine. I've had it like they boil it, don't they? Essentially. You talk to the audience as if

they're going to give you any more information. Rankon chips. Right. I can't wait to try these. I'm in a bit of a savoury mood. And these are... We had two flavour choices. Yeah. What was the other one?

These are mustard. And plum. Yeah. We went for mustard. Who's going to go for plum? Plum flavoured fucking crisp. It's stupid. I'm feeling like a bit low class here.

Because this is actually... I think this is all quite posh. I'm not... I'm not... The idea of oriental food is like a vista. Use your teeth. A vista

beef curry meal. No one remembers them, they were from the 80s. Those vista curry meals

were really, they were rank on. They were bad. They were rank on. Used to deep fry these

noodles and they would come out like Walker's French fries. Oh, in the 80s. In the 80s

when we used to deep fry things. It was in a saucepan alright let's have a try I'm into the crisps okay here you go

I'm looking forward to these I love sulphury things like mustard and wasabi well you probably like these I've taken three you probably like these alright I'll have one of these bite into the little crisps

it looks like a little wagon wheel shape they're hotter than I thought they were going to be but they're nice they've got a kick they have oh I like these

yeah this is were these cheap these were about 80p or something oh yeah that is cheap they're nice. They've got a kick. They have. They have. Yeah. Oh, I like these. Yeah, this is, were these cheap? These were about 80p or something. Oh, yeah, that is cheap. They're a nice snack. Oh, I'd eat them happily. You should try these ones, guys. Mustard.

I think the flavour is mustard. Oh, those are nice. Those are really nice. All right. They're really nice. Do you want to try one? Yeah, very nice. I'll tell you the strangest thing about them if I can get a little bit technical.

No. Okay. Normally with a sulphur heat, as opposed to chilli heat, the sulphur heat will hit you in the nasal cavity. Like a mustardy heat. But they're hot on the tongue. Yeah. That's unusual for mustardy life. It is, you're right. Ooh, I like that a lot. It's almost

like a pepper. A peppery mustard. I'm getting a contact heat. Yeah. I'm feeling marginally aroused by the food. These are really good. Yeah. Oh, those would go so nice with a cold beer. This is actually like quite an informative podcast, guys. If you want to know how to eat on a budget.

I'll tell you what, though. The Japanese say what you like, but they do great beer food. Can I say what I like? No, don't say what you like. I better not say what I like. Please don't say anything.

What did you say that like? I know you're a massive racist, but their food ain't bad. I'm not implying A, anything about the Japanese, or B, anything about you being racist, okay? So, say what you like, but we can edit it out. Say what you want. They do wasabi peanuts. That has got to be my top five all-time beer snack of all time.

It's a strong contender. It's up there with like Monster Munch or something. Whoa. Calm down. Monster Munch rap. Have you ever had

a Monster Munch rap? We can't do that, man. Have you had a Monster Munch rap? Oh, loads of times. At the Aldi equivalent, Monster Claws, which I find it as good if not better.

Really? No. But I've become an evangelist for cheap food. When you're skint like me, you start going, oh, I've got to go to Aldi's. But then after about six months, you start going, try a pepperini. It's like a pepperami, but I think it's actually better than a pepperami.

And you start pretending that you're in there by choice. Oh, I actually like it. So I have monster claw wraps with salad cream and French. Wow. Yeah, and they are awesome. That is cheap eating. Yeah, it is. We've got a pro on.

When I was at boarding school, we used to go when i was at boarding school we used to go to uh the cpo corner post office boarding school we used to go and buy your biscuits oh i went to okay what is this a class thing now yeah yeah obviously people who people in middle class aren't allowed on your podcast no well fuck you well you've obviously lowered your class when i was at school, which I didn't pay for, and was locked up with a lot of other boys, at boarding school, we used to go to the CPO.

Do you have a tuck box? He's getting something up his chest here, Paul. Come on, he's sharing. We're getting somewhere. I used to get one of those bread rolls, the crusty ones, and hollow it out, and then get a packet of Walker's roast chicken flavour.

Walker's. Get in with his board at school. Mr. Walker's roast chicken flavour crisps. Walker's. Get in with his picket at school. Mr Walker's. Caviar flavoured. And then what you have to do is you kind of crunch it, crunch it, crunch it for a good ten minutes so you get it really fine, almost like a crisp powder. And then you pour it into the hollowed out roll

and eat that fucker. Can I tell you a story? Do you know, did you ever have a mate when they were young that was from one of those families where at the time you thought it was cool you thought there's no boundaries and then you look back and go oh no that was abusive not but abusive in like neglectful and there was this boy that he'd just go and he'd go in the drawer and he'd get like a tenner when a tenner was a

lot of money in the 80s a decade where we used to eat this and he would go to the garage and buy loads of chocolate bars like a garage and buy loads of chocolate bars like a tenner's worth of chocolate bars which is that carry bag full and he'd throw them in the road and let cars run them over and then he'd go

and collect them and eat them all crushed up. Really? I don't know why I just thought of that but it was very strange. Oh I know.

There's those rich kids at school isn't it? You know when someone goes oh chill a Mars bar it tastes better. He's going wait till an 18 wheel has been over a boost.

I'm not joking, this is a sensation. And it wasn't, it was all messed up. I'm going to give that 10. I'm giving that a full 10. I can't take any points away from that.

No, I can't either. Everything I like in a snack. That was brilliant. No one in the audience, sir, did you try it? Did you try it?

What did you think? It was all right with the beer. Yeah. It was all right with the beer. What you want from beer snacks is something that's going to make you drink more beer. Yeah. This is what you want. It wasn't so

salty. It's certainly winning over the fishy chocolate cube. Is that what it's branded? No. Right. It is now. Next. Now. You get a plate of them come round at Yo Sushi. Just these little Nestle crunch things. Four pounds. On a saucer. Yeah. Six quid. Next up.

Sesame nori chips. Ooh. Now, I don't know if anyone's... This is quite cheap as well. Familiar with nori. You mentioned it earlier. It is the seaweed. It's dried seaweed.

I think they mash it, don't they? And make it into leaves. Yeah. And then they wrap sushi in it. What's that rice paper you used to get from the sweet shop in the 80s? Oh, yeah, the 80s. With chocolate cigarettes. Yeah, chocolate cigarettes and those chocolate

syringes you just squirt in your mouth. With those chocolate rubber bands you used to put around your arm. Yeah, and a licorice crack pipe. This has got the attention to detail you expect from Japanese foodstuffs and it's got Hello Kitty branded. Hello Kitty. Can we say that? Everything's on Hello Kitty.

Hello Kitty apparently in traditional dress is not even a cat. Did you hear about this? No. Hello Kitty is not a cat. It's a bloke called Woobie or something. What? It's a bloke. If you read the original children's book, it comes from he's a bloke whose face looks like a cat.

So why do they call it Hello Kitty? Why not call it Hello Bloke? I don't know. Maybe kitty is the word for bloke. I don't think it is. It's got whiskers. It's not, no. He's got whiskers.

Anyway, look it up, people. Eight o'clock shadow. I'm going to take one of these chips out, and I'm going to pass it on. Here we go. Nori, yes, it's sushi seaweed, and oh, man. This is a bit fluffier than I'm, this is all puffy. It's because it's stuffed. You've got sesame seeds inside.

Oh, it is. It tastes like fish food,. It tastes like fish food. I really like that. I actually like that a lot. It's good. I like that a lot. Justin's enjoying himself. I'm enjoying myself, mate.

I just came here for the meal. It was either here or the Harry Krishna Centre and I've had enough of curry this week. No, to me, that's like what you sprinkle in the fish bowl. Have you tried it? Yeah, dude, I like it. Okay, so Justin, can we have a mark for you for those? If I'm going to give that 10, I've got to knock this down to 9.

I think I like that more. What? Yeah, I like that more than this. We've just fallen out. Wait. You like that more than those? I think I do, yeah. Wait.

There's a twist. Have you found a surprise? There's a little packet of something in there. No, that's to keep it dry. Yeah, eat that. So I shouldn't sprinkle these on? You obviously don't eat beef jerky because that comes in that as well. Oh, is that why it says? A, that's to keep it dry. Yeah, eat that. So I shouldn't sprinkle these on. You also don't eat beef jerky because that comes in that as well.

Oh, is that why it says... A silica gel or whatever it is. Yeah, silica gel. Oh, that's why it's got a picture of a man vomiting in the little square in the corner. I'm going to put that in my foot with my

infected toenail. That might dry it out a bit. Which I haven't got, by the way. So you are denigrating your mark for the Redcon chips. I'm going to give them both 10. Both 10?

Both 10. I don't think we've ever had such high-scoring food. This isn't cheap food, is it? Am I not alone in this? You should have asked me to get some cheap food, mate. I've got a fucking monster claw wrap up here. Yeah, all about a quid.

It was all about a quid. Yeah. Would you like to try fishy sticks? Oh, the gentleman likes. The gentleman tries. He's had them before. Look at him. He's got an Alice band.

He knows what he's doing with the Japanese stuff. Would you like to try a fishy stick? Fishy stick? They're not fishy. It's seaweed. It tastes like fishy stick. This was the fishiest thing we ate today. Yeah, still the fishiest.

The fishiest thing was the chocolate. Yeah. Even though that comes from the sea, that chocolate still manages to be fishier. Wait. You eat that with that wrapped around it and make it the ultimate fishy chocolate treat. I want to see you put a, what is it called, a nori?

All right, and then you've got to eat one of these on that then, on the mustard thing. That's fine. I'll see if one offsets. This is what we call fusion cuisine. Yeah. See, this is fusion cuisine on a budget, ladies and gentlemen. It's very important. It is a mustard chip.

I won't touch you with my fingers. Green tea Nestle crunch wrapped in sesame nori. Right. And he's, oh, what's the feedback? It's not very nice. Fair enough. I'm going to try the crisp thing. Oh, that'll be good.

Oh, chocolate and mustard. I'll have chocolate and mustard. You've got to try the other. That's the only other combo. I know. I'm shit out of luck there, aren't I? What's happened there is this has made that taste worse,

so I don't like these fish stick things. No. So, we had ten. Missed it. What's that combo like? It's like an extreme sport. In your mouth.

What did you put in? He's gone for the fishy chocolate. One and a half mustard chips, as I'm calling them. Sorry. And one of those on.

I'll eat anything. I've got kids, man. I'm calling them. Sorry. And one of those on. I'll eat anything. I've got kids, man. I've got kids. I'll just clean up their plates. They do worse stuff than this. You mind sweep. Yeah, definitely. And just for completion, what's the mark from you?

I've got to give that three. I'm not a big fan of that. Three. Okay, we're on to our last item. It's almost the end of the show. Time flies when you're having fun. I'm still hungry. Well, you're in luck

then because we've got some Indonesian style crackers. Indonesian style crackers. They're not Indonesian. They're British in

the stylee. Phileas Fogg. What happened to Phileas Fogg? Does anyone remember Phileas Fogg? Yeah. Not the real man

because A, he wasn't real. It was fictional. Sorry. And secondly, it's a hundred yearyear-old story, isn't it? Well, Phileas Fogg used to be a very big brand of snack. In the 80s. In the 80s.

These are Phileas Fogg Indonesian-style crackers, and they are aromatic and sweet chilli flavour. Now, back in the day, they would cost you, what, £3 maybe a bag? Yeah, they're back down to £1. They've changed their whole, this is a cheap brand now. It used to be high-end. You'd get it in threshers or something. Trainers.

Some trainers did that, didn't they? You'd have some expensive trainers like LA Gear, and then all of a sudden they were really cheap. Yeah, and they can't get it back, can they? No one's wearing LA Gear in here, are they? The biggest thing I had at school, the most expensive thing I had at school was a puma bag. Yeah.

That was like the height of, all right, mate, Was a puma bag Yeah That was like the height of Alright mate Got a puma bag Got a bit of money in your back pocket Whereas at his boarding school He had a bag made out of actual puma skin Yeah Yeah

Oh for God's sake So you're going to try it out Go on I'm going to try one It's a poppadummy thing isn't it Is it Those are Those are good

They're fine Oh Bit of coconut in there Quite an Indonesian Oh Herbs Tommy thing, isn't it? Is it? Those are good. They're fine. Oh. Bit of coconut in there. Quite an Indonesian. Oh. A couple of herbs. Oh, a bit of coconut, yeah. Yeah.

A spicy. They're good. They're no monster claws, but they're all right. They're almost like a prawn cracker. They are. But not. It's a zhuzh. It's a zhuzh.

It's like Willy Wonka's got like an oriental banquet and condensed it into a. Who in the audience would like to try one of our Phileas Fogg Phileas Fogg went around the world in 80 days

and bought back all of these Are you saying Phileas Fogg was an illegal trader? No That's a weird That was obviously

the idea for the brand and he's the only bloke who's ever been abroad so he must know what's going on Yeah he must know Phileas Fogg He's bought all the

cuisine back Now any comments from anyone that aren't like it tastes of shit or something? Equally erudite. Every comment is valid. You should know that. Sir? What do you think?

Oh, it's a shit. Well, he's got a refined palate. Oh, you must eat a lot of Indonesian food if your shit tastes like that. Very good. Who's the professional stand-up here? Who's slumming it tonight? Okay.

So, a marked out 10 please, Justin. If I hadn't had monster claws, that might be a 10, but I've got to go

nine. Oh, I'm going to go nine as well. I could eat it back. You like those? I like those. And I'll go for seven

because I'm sane. So what's the best of it all? I think the thing I enjoyed the most was the Rencon flavoured, mustard flavoured Rencon chips? I think the thing I enjoyed the most was the rencon-flavoured, mustard-flavoured rencon chips. I think they're my favourite choice for today. And if we had to press you, Justin, for a favourite...

The sesame nori chips. Oh! Because they're more natural, guys. They are more natural. Eat whole foods. Yes. There's always one who has to appeal to the hippies. Good.

That's obviously... That is exactly my MO. My fucking hippie over here. Eli, will you have one of each in your mouth? Why do we have to do this? Me and Paul.

I'll do it as well. I'll put one of each in my mouth. Why? Big finale? No. None of this is gross enough. Do I need to dream bigger? Do I need to dream bigger than that?

It's just putting a load of food in my mouth at once. I will put one of each in my mouth. The way you said that was like you're just about to be filmed in Hollywood on a casting couch.

Pass it over. Right, here we go. The experiment begins. First of all, he takes the poppadom, Taiwanese-style chips. It's not a poppadom. It's like, it's a prawn crackery thing. These would be the ideal snacks

to sit down and enjoy a viewing of the comedians. I can imagine. Yeah, like placing the renkon chips on top of the Phileas Fogg Indonesian-style prawn cracker. Right. Oh, God. I can imagine placing the rank on chips on top of the Phileas Fogg Indonesian style prawn caca right oh god

see those three all three of those are going to be fine you know when it's you know what the spanner in the works is the chocolate yeah

do you want to skip the chocolate yeah I want to just skip the chocolate alright in that case I want you to put that whole fishy deal in your mouth

what are we going to call this let's call it horrible oh he's chewing it Horrible. Oh, he's chewing it. Yeah. Oh, he's got a bit of a... Oh, he looks happy.

Oh, what kind of... Really nice. Yeah? Really nice. There is a theme. There's a through line to this. Yeah? Well, they're all similar-ish flavours that sort of go together.

Oh, that's really... But you know what's really making that? It's the kick of that rank on. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, that little warm mustardy aftertaste. Oh, that's... It's like a party in my mouth.

And everyone's ejaculating. And the cocaine is from Colombia. Right. I guess. Not actual cocaine. And that's the end of the show! That's the end of the show! That's all for tonight.

Right, so we're going to do a bit of housework. Thank you for That's all for tonight. Right, so, we're going to do a bit of housework. Thank you for joining Cheap Show tonight. If you want to find more episodes of our show, you can go to www.thecheapshow.co.uk.

We're also on Stitcher, on SoundCloud, on iTunes. If you just go Cheap Show, all one word, you'll find us. We've got six episodes up.

Justin, do you have anything you want to pimp, say hello to, an account account a Twitter account yeah I'm justinpanks.com and I'll be in Edinburgh

at the caves 10pm full run nice work justin tonic follow us at the cheap show pod and Eli's Eli snoyed and you can follow me at the geekatorium and I

think that's it for another episode of the of the of the cheap show I've been Paul Gannon that's been Eli Silverman that's been Justin Panks. Mr. Music, what are we playing out with tonight? Truckers by Zero.

Truckers by Zero. Mr. Music, will you play? And good night. Thank you.