CheapShow - Ep 8: Wet Hot Latitude Summer (Festival Special)
Episode Date: July 30, 2015The Boys Return to Latitude! In episode 8 of Cheap Show, Eli and Paul reminisce about their recent adventure at Latitude Festival and play clips from their time there with the hope to remember just w...hat exactly happened. They argue over who forgot to bring the right props, the quality of food served at the festivals, the price of said food, the incredible heat, climbing trees when drunk, losing mobile phones, being inches away from dangling penises, the state of festival toilets, carefully constructing sentences, the marvels of technology, wi-fi hotspots and much much less... It bears mentioning that NOT ONCE do they talk about the cultural aspects of one of the UK's greatest music and arts festivals. It was THAT kind of festival. Paul and Eli would like to thank the following people for helping make their Latitude Festival experience so (barely) memorable. Mark Allen, Gavin Osbourne, Sarah Bennetto, The Story Beast, Richard Sandling, Matt Highton, Starbomb and Latitude Festival itself! So listen, enjoy, download, subscribe to "CheapShow" Follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow or @elisnoid @ashfrith Visit our lovely website for more podcasts www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at thecheapshow@gmail.com And if you have to, join us on Facebook - just look for "The CheapShow"! If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, share, comment... all that jazz! Subscribe to us on Stitcher or iTunes and get fortnightly fun WARNING *Show contains strong language and adult material
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Hello and welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast. I am Paul Gannon.
I'm Eli Silverman, hello.
And we have a very special episode today for many reasons. One, it's a bit unusual. We're not doing it live in front of an audience.
And two, we're doing it because we're doing it from, I'm in Southampton and where are you?
I'm here in London in beautiful Haringey.
I'm in Southampton and where are you?
I'm here in London in beautiful Haringey.
And we are using the magic of the internet to record this very special edition of Cheap Show.
Episode 8, the Latitude Special.
Ooh!
So explain to the lovely listeners, in case they don't know, what Latitude is. Oh, Latitude is the Northern Hemisphere's biggest collection of Lib Dem voters.
Yeah.
Also a kind of mixed arts festival they have in Suffolk every year.
And we were invited in our capacity as comedy performers
to entertain their Guardian voting crowds.
Guardian voting?
Yeah.
Well, I'd vote Guardian, wouldn't you i'd vote guardian
god anyway the point being is that um we went to latitude to do some shows you had one with
a friend of yours called mark allen didn't you yes um possibly the last ever live show with the
original lineup of the humble quest for Universal Genius or better known as Universal
Genius. Aye indeed and you were opening on Thursday night at the Literary Arena and then
the Geekatorium which is the show that is the kind of mothership to Cheap Show was closing the
Sunday night at the same arena and what we thought we'd do like we did a year or so ago is record a kind of in-situ live report of the festival as it happens.
And we did that, didn't we, Paul?
To the best of our ability, yes, we did.
We thought we'd try and slot in some cheap show-esque reviews of the food and entertainment.
Well, it was more food, really.
It was mostly just food actually yeah.
So I reckon what we should just do is get the clips going. Let's get clips on the road. All
right let's do this. Here is clip number one from our Latitude 2015 experience. Hello and welcome to
Cheap Show at Latitude 2015. My name is Paul Gannon. And I'm Eli Silverman, hello.
And it is, I guess it's day one for our full day here, but actually it's day two, because
it's Friday, and we got here Thursday, didn't we? Why? To do this show, I had to do a show
last night. Now you may be wondering why our voices seem a little bit broken. And that's because
we had one too many drinks.
I'm in concurrence
accordance with that.
I really
overdid it and I'm
too old for this shit. Is this exactly
like last year's episode now isn't it?
That's just
yeah I feel really dreadful actually
i'd like to talk about one event that happened last night though one event that i think
is an interesting thing at latitude the festival 2015 word to your mama is we were in the woods
weren't we me you mark allen who presents humble quest for universal genius and gavin osborne gavin osborne
um all just drinking and having a merry old time in the woods and then every now and then
a big swarm of tomorrow people would just explain what was going on people in high-vis vests litter
picker uppers is what they were officially,
but they swept the place like a plague of locusts,
like a mini-plague of locusts, didn't they?
They just came, they went, and when they came past us,
we'd been drinking some beers, we had the cans.
The empties, we don't want to litter.
It's a perfect opportunity for us to, you'd think,
go, here, litter, pick her up.
Let us help you.
Let's put some of this.
We addressed two of them.
Hey, I've got some cans.
They ignored us.
But not in a kind of rude way.
Just in a kind of, it wasn't like we were even their way.
They, like, saw through us and just walked past.
It was really creepy.
And when, like, 20 of these people walk through your area, and they all don't look at you,
and they're all looking down at the ground for your area and they all don't look at you and
they're all looking down at the ground for tins and cans it was really an eerie and then we saw
them go across the whole latitude main eating arena didn't they just in one big high-vis
lightning bolt very weird so that was interesting we spoke spoke to one guy who had been up for 12 hours on a shift.
Yeah, he seemed pretty tired.
He seemed very tired.
So we gave him a tin of 7-Up and some Skittles.
Oh, yeah.
He cheered up after that, didn't he?
I think the touch we bring to Latitude,
I think that touch makes people's lives different.
Yeah, we're bringing something.
We're changing lives at Latitude. Yeah, we're changing lives at that actually yeah yeah we're changing lives at latitude day by day we're going
to change your life so four lives will be altered so that was last night the show by the way humble
quest went very well thank you yeah it did yeah it went well it was good their fireworks
oh yeah the opening fireworks happened in the middle of the show,
and they were kind of...
It was seven minutes and one second of...
that interrupted your show, and quite loudly.
It wasn't like it was in the distance.
It was like someone firing a gun off.
It's like the SOM, orally.
The oral SOM.
It was the oral song, yeah.
In other news, I really need to go for a shit.
The first of my festival shits.
I'm just hoping it won't be too traumatic.
It's the waiting.
It's the wait.
I'm going to go.
I'm going to go do it now.
Well, it's a very exciting development.
And I wish you all the best.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Goodbye.
Maybe you can come back and report on how it went.
All right, I will.
No, don't.
Right, so you're up to date.
Do-do-do-do-do.
If you want to know...
How the poo went.
How did it go?
I don't think I asked you.
It was fine. The toilets there are actually quite good. The ones in the performers camping, don't you know?
I think I mentioned it later on, but it's largely down to the fact that it wasn't wet weather.
So they didn't look completely disgusting.
Yeah. So that was quite successful, yes.
So that was quite successful, yes.
Yeah, and that whole bit about the cleaner uppers,
which I'd never noticed before in previous years,
was just really creepy in a kind of Village of the Damned type way.
I don't think it was the same in previous years.
No? Do you think they were hard-lined kind of garbage picker uppers?
They just trucked them in straight from Calais, probably.
Yeah, like mincemeat out the end of the oh dear on zero hour contracts and you know well you know in in the end of the day it's perfect
for a middle class um festival to use the uh benefit of the lower classes to help make our experience more enjoyable did you say so well
i might edit that out no i won't um so yeah it was a good show i remember but the fireworks were
a massive loud seven minute and one second distraction yeah they were deafening but what
are you going to do what can you do well we we were lucky in that the tent was so packed
you do well we we were lucky in that the tent was so packed that people did want to start leaving to go out but then they were sort of um coagulating around the uh exits so people who were still in
there couldn't actually leave well so that's great for you but also possibly a death trap waiting to
happen could have been if some kind of fire had started yes
you know like if a wayward firework came towards the tent and uh set fire to the awning that'd be
pretty bad but you know we're projecting that didn't happen i'm sure latitude has a great
track record with fire safety yes but not with rape uh moving swiftly on uh i think we'll play the next clip okay fine yeah i'm getting into this this is
uh weird it is weird but uh it's novel uh right clip number two
so we are now in the main arena in latitude um it's busy full of people isn't that right yes
some strange weather conditions it's very hot and of people, isn't that right? Yes, and there's some strange weather conditions
it's very hot and sweaty
but also raining slightly
We're finding it unsettling
It's sunshine on a rainy day by Zoe
If anyone remembers that
I remember it
It's good
It's not good, it's awful
So anyway
as always when we're here we like to see what food we can get for the prices available.
And it's all about the same price this year,
about £8 to £10 depending on what you buy.
It's not cheap by any means,
but they haven't gone really stupid, have they?
I mean...
It's exactly what you expect for festival prices.
It's festival prices.
It's more expensive.
So what have you gone for then today?
I've gone for pizza from the wood-fired Mama Joy's.
Mama Joy's Pizzeria.
I'm not holding out a lot of...
Which pizza did you get?
I got the double pepperoni, but I asked for extra chilli,
and she went extra chilli, yeah, as if she's not going to remember that.
So that'll be the test for me.
So hopefully we'll come back a bit later with a food tasting report.
Yeah, you can have a slice, Paul Paul That's very kind of you, thank you
Do you fancy a slice?
Yes
I'll apportion you a portion
Good
And we'll have that report for you very soon
Well that was a thrilling clip, wasn't it?
It was brief
It was the preamble to the first bit of cheap eats.
That's true.
Actually, it's probably worth mentioning now that we always hope to have good weather at Latitude.
Sometimes we're not that lucky.
Sometimes it pisses down.
But fucking hell, was it hot that year.
It was really awful.
I wouldn't say awful, but it was hard to find anywhere comfortable to relax.
Listen, Paul, right?
All right.
Friday at Latitude, right?
I'd been bitten by what turned out to be horseflies.
So that's a cheap eating itself, isn't it?
My arm was swollen.
Yeah.
Not only the horseflies, probably about, I don't know,
200 or 300 mosquito bites on the rest of my body.
Wow.
Itched to fuck.
And I was hungover.
It was a two-day hangover.
It was really bad.
I just needed to not be awake.
And I couldn't hydrate myself.
And I was just boiling in, half half in half out of the tent and I have to say
I don't know how I did it but this year was probably the worst tent experience of my whole
festival going career that can't be true no it was if anything it was an arid I mean look I never
went into your tent nor did I ever ever want to But it can't have been that bad in there.
It was really, really uncomfortable.
I mean, I know for a fact that you couldn't go in your tent to get any shade
because it was just a heat box in there.
That's right.
I can't remember if I mentioned it in a clip coming up,
but I did fall asleep on the kind of ground sheet just outside my tent.
And when I woke up, my cheek was submerged in my
own sweat puddle nice little sweat puddle yeah so yeah hot very very hot um but I'd rather have
that than pissing down weather all the time I mean that's just depressing and grim pretty pleasant
really I was just I I just didn't feel good on Friday, you know. No, I know. I, however, for the listeners at home, wasn't bitten at all.
Like, at all.
That's because your blood is bitter.
And probably tainted with scouse venom.
Yes.
So I think it's time to find out what you thought of that pizza, isn't it?
Oh, is that what's next?
I hope so.
Okay.
Let's find out.
Some time has passed and now we are at the point where
Eli has gotten his pizza from the pizza place here at Latitude.
Mama Joy's.
Mama Joy's Pizzeria.
Go through the process of what you found when you opened the box
and through to your first taste sensation.
Visually, it's poor, basically.
It looks bad. the pepperoni's
obviously uncooked it hasn't cooked at all the pepperoni is just sitting and there's cheese is
you can still see the shape of the gratings of the cheese it's not like an even cover of cheese
very lackluster display it's visually it's just not very good at all now it is nice and hot
and it tastes all right
about what's right just the just the amount you need for it to taste like a pizza yeah it's you
know the dough it's not too thick um pepperoni's all right although it's uncooked uh they've they've
got my order right with the chilli there is chilli on that
but again raw
red chilli just sort of chopped
so it's just
half the course then basically for festival pizza
that's a shame
out of ten?
I'll give it
six, that's been generous
a generous six I'll tell you one thing that's been generous a generous six
I'll tell you one thing though
looking at the people
who work there
they do not look happy
I did not see
one
smile
not even faked
the woman who served me
did smile
when she
produced the pizza
she was so
yeah
she looked like she
wasn't happy
but she was smiling
anyway
take the pizza
and fuck off
yeah
she was Scottish as well you're always Scottish and fuck off yeah she was scottish as
well you're always scottish i heard one just say what's your name love pam that was my favorite
little moment right yeah they're all scottish so there's a scottish pizza company obviously
and um i won't be going back there ever so although i'm you know it's okay. It's filling a gap.
And it was what, eight quid, you say?
It was eight quid.
Yeah.
Pretty expensive, really.
Yeah, well, there you go.
Well, that's our first review down.
We'll have another report later on.
Maybe some nachos.
We'll go for some nacho review later on, okay? I think a nacho is a good way to go forward with this.
It's the next lateral step.
Well, what I actually want to eat, though,
is the West Indian,
which is always here.
All right, cool.
All right, we'll figure that out
later on in the podcast.
Oh, look, there's a man
selling strawberries and ice cream
in an oversized pot.
I'm not buying it.
I can't.
Do you want to taste the pizza?
I'll taste buying it. I can't. Do you want to taste the pizza? I'll taste the pizza.
Pizza Update by Paul Gannon.
After I finished recording, I was offered a slice of the pizza,
which I duly tried with good faith.
And yeah, like Eli, it didn't have much of a flavour.
The spice was carrying it mostly.
The bread was serviceable.
It was not.
This is the the point though the
point is is that as a final affront to my goodwill it squirted its sticky oily
chili juice all over my thigh staining my beige canvas trousers very fetching
and the look is ruined and now they look like i've been stabbed or in
some kind of a tomato fight i'm gonna look like a nana well anyway as a result of that
disgusting slap to the face i'm gonna give that pizza um a two okay good so yeah i'm just like to say uh i was extremely generous giving that six i thought so
i thought so i think you amend uh your uh review later on actually i think you do comment upon that
it just keeps getting worse that pizza as time goes on it's going to be like up there with hitler
in about five years i don't think you can
compare pizza to hitler or the fact that they end with the word the sound la but who's to know paul
you know how history will judge things well the third reich or the third slice that is the question
oh is that some wordsmithery not particularly good wordsmithery but yes it kind of counts i
couldn't think of a better you know witty thing without getting tasteless,
like saying, well, they're both used to putting things in ovens or, you know, whatever.
Oh, God. We've lost. We've mentioned the Nazis now.
You brought the Nazis up.
All right. Sorry.
I merely tried to capitalise upon it, which isn't as good.
tried to capitalize upon it which isn't as good um so yeah that pizza uh yeah i i it was inoffensive to the point of being offensive if that makes sense you know it's like the least amount of
effort needed to be a pizza basically the the barest minimum what i hated about it more was
the whole store looked like a fake italian pizza that they painted it up to make it look like there
was you know um fire ovens in there and like it was like you know like it looked fake it almost looked like a kind of ghost train
if the ghost train's theme was Italian pizzeria yeah ghost train pizzeria yeah yeah that's what
it looked like it had a very carny feel didn't it very carny feel was that one um Texas smokehouse
no we'll get to that that gets brought up later oh it's all about the food we haven't
mentioned one single uh recording artist or performer yet we didn't see a single or artist
or or performance you saw porter's head didn't you i did see porter's head i think i mentioned
that in a clip later on listener we're just going to be repeating the word let me just say latitude
three times in a row latitude latitude latitude i'm going to throw in an extra latitude at this point too.
Latitude.
Right, so let's play the next clip.
And we're back.
Eli wants to
update us with the latest information. So Eli,
what have you got for us in our next Latitude
report? We wandered around
after the distinctly disappointing pizza.
Distinctly disappointing. distinctly disappointing staining staining the pizza it was experience marring experience marring pizza and then we
walked around a bit and uh you bought a pepsi and we went to the tree the tree that i was climbing
a tree that's it we haven't have we mentioned the tree climbing yet
last night we all got a little bit merry uh drinks were had comments were made and I uh I was
basically egged on to uh to do some climbing which I was happy to you know it was uh my choice my own
choice and um you did well thank you yeah apart from that what time I tried to poke you the massive
stick yeah that wasn't good Yeah, that wasn't good.
Especially, yeah, that wasn't good.
Anyway, but... You were coming right for me.
It was protection.
What happens is you get up a few feet off the ground,
then the fucking, you know, vertigo kicks in
and you're clinging on like a baby after that.
You know?
So, you know, bravado turns to, like, abject fear,
like, quite quickly in those tree climbing situations.
So... That was last night's adventures.
It was a lot of fun.
Today, not so many adventures.
More, we just woke up really slowly.
Badly, really badly.
I mean, I felt real wrong, real wrong, real wrong.
And we're going to just do some
do some recharging now
I think
just basically
you know
base camp
we're back at base camp
that's it
so
that's it we're checking out
do you want to talk about
you having a wank
in the showers
I don't want that
included in the podcast
actually
well
you know
free speech
over and out
thank you
you know too much
now
so yeah you climbed
the tree I did indeed
yes and it
was it was a lot of fun that tree was a
lovely old tree wasn't it with all the
branches drooping down and touching the forest floor.
So it was quite easy to climb.
It's an inviting tree.
You look like a little denim Mowgli.
Oh, thanks, Paul.
Yeah.
What was brilliant was when you threatened me with a pointed stick.
I didn't threaten you.
I was merely guarding myself because you were looking quite agitated
up in that tree.
I thought you were going to pounce
like a tiger.
What, from off the tree?
Yeah.
From a few metres up?
Can I just say, that is horse shit.
It's not horse shit.
It is.
You thought it'd be a fucking fun thing.
Oh, look at Paul.
What a lad.
He's got a pointed stick.
He's threatening Eli
when I'm at my most vulnerable. Yeah. Yeah. thing oh look at paul what a lad he's got a pointed stick he's threatening eli when he's
when i'm at my most vulnerable yeah yeah exactly you admitted it thank you
a cut okay so look
uh you know what we did we mentioned that i lost my phone that whole thing that was fun oh that no well it was fun for us but not so much for you
so after the tree climbing um happened we all repaired back to the bar within the performers
camping area and uh i realized i didn't have my phone on me after i bought everyone a drink in a
moment of joy de vive and uh And no one could get any signal.
That's one thing about latitude.
Oh, no signal.
No contact to the outside world at all.
No 4G either, is there?
No, we had to huddle at Wi-Fi spots, didn't we?
Just to reach out to our friends and family.
Oh, it was a fucking disgrace, wasn't it?
I mean, come on.
Well, I mean, look, at least they had Wi-Fi spots.
I don't remember them doing it last year.
And that was great.
It meant I could update with a Facebook saying,
Eli's up a tree or Eli's lost his phone
or Eli forgot to bring the sheet
because he's a fucking massive cock.
Things like that.
So, yeah, you lost your phone.
And I decided I'd left it by the tree which is a good 10 minutes away yeah so i ran all the way back there in the middle of the night
and looked extensively it wasn't there so all the way back and then i was thinking god why do i give
a shit so much about my phone and then i was thinking perhaps it's good that i lost my phone
because i'm always on it and it's uh dominating my life and it's like i've lost a child or something
here uh and then we got back and you phoned it and i'd left it at the bar there yeah you massive knob
which was a relief but uh yeah it was a relief and um it meant you could go back to being frustrated that you can't play Scrabble.
Yes, basically. It was a brick, but at least I had it.
The common thought amongst us was basically when you can't do anything with your phone, it's practically a calculator.
Yes, unless your calculator app works offline, I mean online.
Don't ask me.
So you found your phone and all was well. You didn't lose anything else did you that weekend?
Some of my dignity.
Most of your dignity.
Yes.
Well let's find out what happens in the next clip. Let's roll the next clip. It is now around, what time is it about?
Quarter past nine.
Quarter past nine on Friday at Latitude,
and it's time to update you on our nachos decision.
Now, I'll start with my attempt.
I went to get nachos at one of the Mexican places,
and I think I was disappointed.
For five pound, I got nachos with cheese and sour cream,
and I would have enjoyed it had it not been for the fact that
bugs were raining down on my creamy nachos like asteroids
it was just one after the other dive bombing and dying on my food
one after the other
and you can see the life ebb away as they're consumed by the runny horrible orange cheese
so I couldn't eat most of it, not all of it
because basically it was littered with dead bugs.
So I'm going to go ahead and give it a very poor 4 out of 10.
Eli, over to you.
Yeah, well, you obviously made a mistake in your ordering
because you went for just a too simple an order.
You've got nachos, you've got to have the variety, don't you?
You've got to have a bit of this, a bit of that.
So I spent a few quid more,
and I think my nacho experience was quite a lot better than yours.
You know, I went for the chili cheese nachos.
How much?
£5.50.
So only 50p more for chili.
You know what I mean?
You could add chili for 50p more.
And then I went for extra jalapenos
i've got to have that spice got to have it got to have it got to have it baby you know i've got
to have that spice and um i did and yeah they were pretty good nice chips nice corn chips um
what really pushed it over the top for me though is that my friend mark was in the queue in front of me he was given the option the choice of grated cheese or the cheese nacho cheese sauce you know
the stuff the uh the melty squirty stuff that they give you in cinemas i like them both so does mark
and he said oh i can't make my mind up. Could I have both? And she said yes.
And so it saved me the job of asking for both
because I just went, I'll have exactly what he had.
And she went, do you want the cheese as well like that, double cheese?
Yes. Yes, I fucking do.
And that's what I did.
So, seven.
Oh, okay.
The pizza, I have to say, the pizza pizza I just gave it two higher score earlier
it's only a three
really
wow
yeah
it was terrible
a terrible pizza
it's also worth noting
we've been to this festival now
two days
and we've seen
fuck all
of
the music
the performers
the live events
the readings
the poetry
nothing
we've just
wandered around had a bit of of a nap, smoked it up, gone for a walk, had a drink, eaten food.
It's been very cultural for us.
And we aim to fix that.
Well, I aim to fix it tomorrow.
When Eli has to run away, run away and do some stuff back in London town.
But until then, we'll keep the reports coming. Maybe something exciting will happen later.
So that Mark, Alan and you getting nachos story was very enthralling.
Thanks, Paul. Yes, I like to tell a good getting nachos tale.
Yeah, you do like to try and tell a good story involving nachos,
and that was one of your best.
Okay, thanks.
Yeah, so those nachos were all right, actually.
That's why they're so popular in festivals.
It's hard to go wrong.
It's just literally some ingredients.
And it's the cheapest thing you're going to get there, by and large.
Yes, in terms of value, if you're talking cheap eats,
you do get quite a lot of uh carbohydrate
i didn't get to eat much of mine to be honest mainly because it was littered with the thousands
and thousands of dead bugs uh scattering themselves liberally across my melty cheese
at least they were in your melty cheese rather than biting my melty flesh yeah but it was like
kamikaze gnats just i was i would it would
i would just sit there and look at it for a minute or two and just see them just go
and it just put me off because i had to eat all around them so i only really ate half of what i
bought i'm very disappointed and as mentioned earlier you did correct your pizza score
yes i've corrected the pizza score, but now with some hindsight,
I'd like to re-correct it, if I may.
You can, of course.
And we'll just go to minus seven billion.
Oh, good. From one extreme to the other.
Right, let's play the next clip.
It was some warm bread.
Oh, fuck.
It was some warm bread that someone had introduced to a tomato in passing
with some raw foam meat slices.
Anyway, you could hear in that last clip that you get all,
ooh, about me going back to work on Saturday night, which I had to do.
Yes, because I was a little bit concerned that you going away
would affect the Sunday show in some way,
and I couldn't fathom at that time what that effect would be.
We'll find out what the effect was later, though, won't we?
Oh, we will. We will.
We will. Right, let's play the fucking next clip.
All right.
Update, update.
It's now time for Eli's I've Just Had a Curry report.
Eli, over to you.
Well, Paul, as you've said,
I have breaking news.
I have just had a curry and
it was quite nice and spicy
but it was meant to be lamb curry
and what it was was a keema kebab curry.
Do you know what I mean?
They have those kebab rolls that are
sort of minced lamb and spice
that they do
and they use that instead of actual lamb.
So that's a bit of a jib, I think.
It was still pretty tasty.
Bit of a setback, though, to you.
Quite a lot of it.
Nice and spicy.
How much did you pay?
£7.50.
And would you say it was worth £7.50?
In the real world, you're talking £3.50.
Well, we're not in the real world, Eli.
We're in Latitudevilleville and it's pricey
the cheapest thing I've seen so far is
a bag of kettle chips for £2
that's not true, I had 8 stick of licorice
sweet black original licorice
for 50p
and so far it's been the highlight
of my
eating experience
fair enough
do you have anything to add before we close this update eating experience. Fair enough.
Do you have anything to add before we close this update
curry report?
No, I think we should just close the report there.
Let's do that.
So, yes.
Curry.
That was worth it.
Call it lamb curry was
mis-selling.
If I'm being kind.
Yeah.
And
downright...
Was there very little lamb?
Well, it wasn't lamb.
It was these kebab rolls, the minced, you know.
Mm, that's true.
That's true.
Still, was it a good eat?
It was quite nice, yes.
And there was nice rice with it.
The rice was well done.
Yeah.
And you got a bit of naan bread, obviously.
Obviously.
The naan was like a piece of naan bread obviously obviously the naan was
like a piece of dried goat's turd i mean you know it was awful it wasn't a proper naan it was one of
those awful the kind of naan you get when you buy a kind of indian set boxed meal from your
co-op or whatever it's one of those exactly exactly like that a round flat bread so there was all this corner cutting really i wanted
to see you know a bit of gourmet action there was nothing that looked actually really good there
no not really and usually you get something like a stew or you know like a proper pizza place with
one of those uh i think there were proper pizza places there. I just think we didn't go. There was that Volcano Pizza Emporium,
which looked impressive.
We didn't bloody do anything, did we?
No.
I was swollen.
I looked like Popeye.
Your whole body looked like Popeye's eye.
And the effect of Tuborg,
the other thing we should mention
is the booze there,
you're very limited if you're buying booze there.
Yeah, you're limited to what they allow you to buy.
Which is Tuborg.
Yeah.
It seems to exist again in the real world.
It's made by Carlsberg, but it only seems to pop up at festivals.
It is the festival brew of choice, apparently.
It's fine, it does the job.
Yeah, it does the choice, apparently. It's fine. It does the job. Yeah. Yeah.
So, you know,
we at least partake in the drinking
and the eating part of the festival, which
a lot of cultural podcasts
won't cover. We're doing a service.
Well, that's good because we saw
fuck all culture.
We didn't really. I mean,
nothing.
We actually went out of our way to push culture out of our
system uh while we were there we didn't see the secret ed sheenan concert the secret tom york
concert we didn't see uh uh boomtown rats which although i was reliably told was a massive massive
bag of shit yeah i did actually when i was returning to the site on the
sunday um in a motor vehicle yeah uh you know there's a palaver you have to drive around to
the blue gate and go in there and do that and you know yeah uh i could hear the boomtown rats
and did it sound like a rat going boom well i the only reason i could hear know that it was the boomtown rats
because it was this song where they go we are the boomtown rats no good it wasn't just them doing i
don't like monday seven times in a row and then calling it a day no they did the we are the boomtown
rats song no i don't know why they keep getting booked i mean bob geldof, what's the point, Bob? Bob, if you're listening, what's the point?
He speaks very highly of you, Paul.
He does.
We had a falling out.
I said Live 8 was misguided.
Motherfucking Live 8.
Shall we just play the next clip, then?
Yeah, why not?
Let's do it.
We're at the end of the second night,
and I just want to get eli's feelings
emotional or physical about how he's feeling i'm feeling a bit drained actually well
mentally emotionally emotionally i'm okay pretty stable but um i'm quite drained mentally
you've had a rough day doing all that stuff you did today, like... Eating several times.
And lying down in the sun.
And I had a couple of beers.
Ladies and gentlemen, you should never mix the sun with drinking.
It's a volatile combination.
I, however, am feeling reasonably mellow.
In the background, you're listening to the sounds
of
Pappy's Fun Club.
I'm sorry, was that how I signed
off? Yes, twice. By mentioning a much
better comedy group and then burping?
Yes, twice you did that's you're
right that's twice it's very unprofessional of me yeah but you know that's uh that's us
yeah it is us um you can't say that we're not thorough we're thoroughly unprofessional
oh completely but that's our charm that's why we have listeners. One or two listeners who are faithful to our cause.
Well, Paul, you know,
I do feel a slight twinge of regret
that I wasn't more up for just sort of partying
on the Friday.
It was reasonably subdued, wasn't it, this time?
I mean, we had a good time, but it was quiet.
It was a quiet festival for us.
Yeah, I just was just wrecked i
would have got i was just two day hangover you know it was all that trying to have sex with trees
and things like that that was i wasn't trying to have sex i was trying to climb them yeah but you
got a bit of wood didn't you i got almost got your wooden pole stabbed right through me. I would never have caused harm to your pretty face.
Well, anyway, that curry was shit.
Yeah.
Right, let's play the next clip.
Next clip.
I'll tell you what I will say, actually, about climbing trees.
There were a lot of knobheads doing it this year, weren't there?
Quite a lot of knobheads doing it.
Every time we sat in that little area for a smoke or a chat,
you'd always get a band of guys who thought
they were the first person to have an idea about climbing that tree and by and large they tried
to climb as high as they could yes that's what you do when you climb trees paul well not necessarily
you can go to a lower branch and just enjoy the dangle you have never even done that you were a
sickly child at home with your no i'll tell you i'll tell you why I don't climb trees, mate, right?
It's a personal story that I'm happy to recount now, OK?
So I was once climbing trees with friends
in a wood near the Cadbury's factory near where I grew up.
Is that near Bourneville?
No, no, there was a Cadbury's factory in Wirral.
It was owned by a company called Premier Brands,
but this Cadbury's factory made things like the biscuits
and the chocolate fingers and whatnot.
But there was a little wood not too far away from the factory.
You could smell the chocolate when we walked home from school.
Very, very, very Charlie and the Chocolate Factory kind of upbringing.
But anyway, climbing a tree with all my friends, and I'm like...
With your grandparents?
No, no, no.
I'm just saying I could smell chocolate to and from school
that's it but anyway i'm climbing a tree with all my friends about 14 15 whatever the age
and i get to the top and i'm like i'm the best and i stand on the top branch and i
reach out with my arms in a rocky style fashion and then i hear a god almighty snap
and the branch breaks and this is quite i don't know
how tall the tree is but it was a big tree and i was a small person and i began to fell um you
began to fail i began to fall fuck you i began to fall all right i fell um but what happened was i
didn't hit the ground because um i bounced off two massive twigs and then this one kind of broken already
broken branch was sticking out of the tree and it caught my jumper and as I
fell it grabbed the jumper and then scratched a great big fucking scratch
right at my back and then left me hanging there and as I looked down in
tears still screaming blood pouring down my back and choking as my jumper tries
to throttle me on the branch.
I can see my friends running off saying,
fuck it, he's going to die, right?
And they all wander away.
And I'm hanging there for 20 minutes, right?
Until one of the parents of one of the kids comes to look for me
because obviously one of them told me what was going on.
And this is the sad thing.
I've been hanging there for 20 minutes,
and the minute the dad turns up with the ladder,
that's when that jumper gives way,
and I fell the rest of the way face first.
So I just don't climb trees anymore.
Paul, just to let you know,
my hourly fee has gone up to £20.
Continue.
You're not going to be my therapist.
I'm not getting therapy from the likes of you.
Well, it sounds like it.
Anyway, the point is,
I don't climb trees because it's a wanker sport.
Right, so you admit
it's not entirely rational,
this hatred you have of young people
out at a festival
and having a good time climbing a tree,
getting back to nature
Yeah, there's a difference between that right and then go
Oh, yeah
When you want a fucking branch and it snaps and you fall a couple of feet and your mates call you a wanker
No one did fall did they yeah one person did they fell out of the tree and broke a branch?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, and remember me and you we laughed? Yeah, we laughed. Yeah, so good.
That proves my point.
Let's play the next fucking clip.
All right, then.
We are walking back to our campsite now,
for the day has beaten us.
Wouldn't you say it beat us?
Yeah.
That's all I've got, all right.
We're very tired.
We've not even done anything, but we're just fucking tired.
Do you think it was just because of the fallout from yesterday night?
Yeah, basically.
And the sun.
The sun was the biggest killer for me.
I woke up in a pool of face sweat at the bottom of my tent.
It was not classy at all.
How's your tent been? Because it's, what, ten years old?
It's terrible. There's your tent been? Because it's what, ten years old? It's terrible.
There's all mystery splodges.
All over.
Mystery splodges all over.
And it's just uncomfortable as fuck.
Well, there you go.
Uncomfortable as fuck fuck my tent's been great
so far
not bad
bought it £25 in Halfords
may as well keep the cheap show theme in
alright may as well keep the theme in
here's a car going past
for memory's sake
I believe it was a jeep
but I can't guarantee that.
It's very Jeep-like.
So, just to describe, we're walking back towards the camp.
It's a long trail.
Luckily it's not been rainy, so this is all dry this year.
It's great.
It also means the toilets aren't caked in a mysterious filth.
So we're walking.
And, uh... so we're walking Hannah a couple of singing minstrels
walking by
that's the vibe I like about festivals
don't you?
the whole little microcosms of the world
each little caravan, each little tent.
Just little, like rear window, but with tents.
I mean, that one looked quite nice. It's like an old van, but they've kitted it out to look quite nice, I thought.
Yeah, that's an extractive looking van.
What else to report?
Nothing.
So yeah, we're heading back and it's nice.
It's a nice leafy English lane.
Not leafy.
What would you call this then?
A furrow?
There's a dirt road in a park.
You've got no romance.
It's a dirt road, a park.
It's lit by loads of lights hanging down, which is beautiful, I think. Our tent camp area is across a small gully.
Gully? Moat? Ditch? Gully.
Gully.
Ditch.
It's a ditch.
Ditch.
It's a ditch.
It's a ditch.
All right, I was trying to dress it up.
So we're now going to transverse the ditch by going down the...
Speak for yourself.
I'm going to the loo.
You're going to the loo?
Yeah.
Why didn't you go up there?
Because it's more smelly up there.
It wasn't smelly at all. It was a nice one.
Those aren't nice ones.
Show me the nice ones.
I'm not going to show you the toilet.
You're a big boy now. You can deal with that yourself.
But I don't understand what makes these toilets so great.
They're just further away from everyone, so they've been used less. That's my theory.
Even that's not true at all, because there's loads of tents around it,
which means at least, let's just say, for example...
Any classes?
No.
No.
But I have recorded that.
Were they offered?
No, they wanted classes off us.
Do we look like drug...
Well, actually, we do look like drug dealers.
You obviously look like a drug dealer dealer and I've got a hoodie on
but I don't know
do you know how many drug dealers
walk around talking into
a microphone
digital recorder
I see now we're approaching the
I believe the more upscale toilet
next to the shower block
brightly lit
so you can scrub your jewellery
or purse
any way you like
and
I've just realised
I didn't really have to walk with you
you didn't
don't know what you're doing I'm just realised I didn't really have to walk with you. No, you didn't. I don't know what you're doing.
I'm just really tired.
I still feel hungover.
Yeah.
I still feel just like, ugh.
It's not quite right.
What?
Yeah, well, there you go.
We're at the toilets now.
This looks just as busy as any other block, mate.
So, you know,
I'll figure it out.
I'm going to sign off and come back with a port where you've had a pee.
What's wrong? You look confused.
I'm just going to go up against a tree. I've seen some people looking in the toilet
there and bulking, so there's obviously some problems. Bulking is a very, I think, it's
just going to go for a piss. You can go in the gully, in our ditch. Alright. Yeah, it
might not be too bad, just don't go in the one that's been bulking people.
Anyway, I'll report back on that in a bit.
So we're back now waiting on the report from Eli.
He's been in there at least 30 to 40 seconds into the toilet
and he hasn't left.
Distraught and emotionally
disturbed.
So we're looking like it's a clean toilet.
The odds
are good.
I guess he's mid-pee right now.
Possibly closer to
the end than the beginning.
He's a brave guy. He really is. He's probably shaking off at this point now, dabbing the last few droplets of urine away from his sad, crusty sausage
roll of a penis. And he's emerged.
He's out.
He's looking bracing.
Eli, how was that?
It was okay.
Can you go through the overall atmosphere inside the toilet?
Not too smelly.
Wasn't one worth bulking at then?
No, he was definitely not a bulker.
And was it a long satisfying stream or just an emptying of the bag?
It was quite a heavy stream.
Cool. And the hand soap sanitiser gel, how have you been finding that this year?
It's not very good, is it?
I find it surprisingly sticky, considering it's not meant to leave anything on your hands.
Yeah.
to leave anything on your hands.
Yeah.
Well, these are just some of the amazing reports we'll continue to bring you at Latitude.
What will be a cheap eat tomorrow?
What's the best deal in the shop centre?
That's what I might do.
Go to the shops and see what deals are like.
Maybe I can find a bargain or two.
It's a thought.
Maybe we'll find out if Paul will decide to poo this festival.
Because so far, I'm looking bound.
I think my gut's going to lock down.
You've literally not done...
You haven't done a poo.
I think I successfully evacuated my battles before getting out.
I forced every last egg out of my body.
And I think I came in pretty riding high.
So we'll see.
Anyway, I'm hoping to save any and all poos for the litter arena toilet.
Because I think that's going to be the one where it's your safest bet.
So that's something to look forward to.
We're just here.
We're always opposite the last white caravan.
The gully's almost right there.
By this pole.
And now we're going to cross it.
This is Paul Gannon on the move at Latitude 2015
at their 10th anniversary.
Crossing a ditch.
You watch this.
I'm taking my first step.
Don't get close to me.
I don't like it.
Right.
And now I'm going up.
You can hear my feet.
That was textbook.
That's a nice even ditched passing, I like to think.
So we now arrive back at our tents.
To retire.
Eli is leaving tomorrow.
Eli is going where?
London.
Good.
And be back on Sunday With a fucking sheet
Won't you?
Yes
Yeah
Yes
Or don't come back at all
Alright
That's understood
It is understood
So
This is Paul Gannon
Signing off for Cheap Show
Latitude Special
2015
Day 2
Do you have any final thoughts Eli?
No
Thanks
Paul What theul i just thought
you don't want to sign off right this is eli also signing off uh i'll try and do better everyone
okay comedy bag is empty all right let's get this to bed
opening my zipper.
I'm giving all the audience everything they need.
Giving the audience everything they need.
I'd say it's a bit too difficult. Bye.
Ooh, so, yes.
For all the listeners out there, that's how we like to roll.
That's some hard-hitting journalism right there.
I like to think that when people go to festivals,
they have horror stories in their mind about the toilet situation.
And we, you know, basically, you know, ousted those rumours.
We cleared out the fakery and added the fact.
Yeah, the toilets weren't that bad.
No, they weren't that bad.
And as a later note i did pass poo
later on uh in the litter arena toilet tent and it was textbook so um yeah well i'm happy for you
um yeah so basically the most of the footage that we have uh managed to get from this year's Latitude is on the Friday where we did bugger all.
Yes.
We ate some stuff, grumbled, and then went to bed.
Yeah.
It's grumbling euphemism for having a poo.
You didn't grumble the whole of Friday.
No, I didn't.
I was pretty much bound up until
late on Saturday when I managed
to relinquish
my cargo.
Anyway, the point being is that, yes,
we could have
done better. What's interesting
now is I did a report while you were away
because when you soddled off to
bloody London
with your thing. For for instance by the way listener
if you are interested to know the outcome to the uh sheet situation that we will reveal the outcome
to that before the end of the show no spoilers right now okay good but uh you pissed off to
london early in the morning how was your saturday morning leave Was it painful? No, it was pretty cool.
I'd just left my tent there because I knew I was coming back.
Got in the car with Mark.
Had a nice relaxing drive.
Aww.
So in answer to you, Paul, yes.
I do not regret leaving you there at Latitude and going to London to return on the Sunday.
In every way, it was the right decision.
And you were trying to persuade me.
No, and Mark and Gavin, we all said
you should stay at the festival and have fun times.
Get more eaten,
bitten, get more
horse-fired, maybe on my bollocks
or something.
There's no fly of any state
that would go anywhere near your
fusty, musty old bollock sack.
It ain't happening.
Is this Eli's genital simile hour?
It's one simile about your little crow's beak.
Oh, well, at least my crow's beak doesn't look like it's got rabies.
Oh.
Your foaming, dirty cock end.
Oh, God. See, it is Eli's simile cock end Oh god see it is Eli Simile
Cock end hour
Yeah that's the next podcast I'm trying to produce
So
Yes I'm glad I did it
I got a nice sleep in a bed
Took a poo any time I wanted
Good can we move away from the poo humour now
I think we've you know
This and the Nazi stuff really isn't the stuff we should be reaching for
As comedy professionals
And then returned refreshed.
Yes, it did.
But would you like to know what happened while you were away?
Oh, yes.
Then let's find out in the next clip.
It's Saturday, day three.
I am now alone.
Eli left this morning with Mark Allen.
Head back to London to do a gig until three in the morning
and then head back here the next day.
Oh, well, Sunday.
So what have I done today?
Not much.
I went to...
I did nothing.
I've done nothing.
It's hot and I'm wearing jeans because I'm an idiot.
So yeah, Eli's tent is next to mine now.
Empty.
A lot of people are obviously happy that he's gone.
But Eli's tent
lies barren next to me.
Reminds me of something like a haunted house.
No one speaks of it,
no one stares, goes in, no one's afraid to stay the night there, just a creepy little,
crazy little gravestone, and I believe the ghost will return Sunday, so what else have
I done today, I have ventured into the shopping area
you have to leave your camping area
go through to the main performance arena
where all the different tents and shops and things are
and then you have to go to the area where there's all shopping
where the main camp area is
and there's all kinds of shops there
but they have a supermarket which is open 24 hours
so I decided to go in along and get some props and surprises for the show on Sunday which I did and that was very easy
I popped into the shop got my stuff left and then I went to head back to the main arena and then I
remembered the floor in my plan don't go with anything in your bag that you've just bought from
the supermarket because you're not allowed to take any drinks or food into the main arena
because there are people there selling stuff for an extortionate price
that they're making you buy as a result.
So a lot of people end up getting frustrated
because they've just bought these candies and tins of pops and tins of booze
and they can't take it into the performers area.
And I found this out.
So the guy would go for my bag and he goes,
well, you can't take that through and that through.
And I was like, well, listen, all I'm doing is going back to the performers camping area.
And that is literally straight through, straight into the campsite.
And the guy was like, oh, I'm going to have to check with my supervisor or whatever.
And she came over.
And then she found this, the thing I'm talking into, the voice recorder.
She was like, no, no, no, no, no.
Do you have a permit?
Permit for recording at the festival. Well, I'm not recording at the festival. She goes, well, no, no, no. Do you have a permit? Permit for recording at the
festival? Well, I'm not recording at the festival. She goes, well, I don't know that. And I know.
And I said, I know you know that. So I told her what was there. She's going to use it for a podcast
and this and the other. Personal viewings, not here to record the music, just to record my
opinions. She's having none of it. And she goes, well, I think the best way now is if you just want
to go back to your campsite, go the long way around, ask someone to take you a buggy to go
from gate F to gate B, or whatever it was, and then the next few moments turn into like a Zelda
game, where you're not allowed to go through the main gate, so you've got to go the back way around,
which I did, I spoke to two people sitting at a gate, and they obviously don't know the area,
considering they're working for it, and point me in the wrong direction and then i met a guy who basically gave me a cheat code he
went well you could you could get the uh shuttle around but you might have to wait of age and
you might you know you're waiting some time but he said here's the thing if you go around
to that corner over there where the white tent is pointed to a white tent and says and
you just go through that entrance back into the main area that way, the guy on the gate there
does not give a fuck, and will let you through, so I went there, showed my arm badge, didn't
expect the bag, and I was in, into the arena, and back to my tent, where I've decided to
drink some Pepsi, and have a chocolate bar, the Pepsi was £1.20 from the tin. And the Mars, well, it's a double-decker.
My personal choice, which is, it was two for £1,
which is actually the best deal I've had here.
Two for anything for a pound is good.
So I'm just going to enjoy that for a bit, maybe have a bit of a nap.
It's still fucking hot here.
Still hot.
I prefer to sit just outside and get the breeze, what there is of it, when it comes.
So that's it for now.
Day three report won over with.
Hopefully bump into some people later
and see what happens.
So, signing off.
It's just before midnight on Saturday,
day three of the Latitude Festival.
I'm in my tent.
Met up with some university friends tonight who happened to be there.
That was very nice.
Sat and watched Keith Allen.
Well, not Keith Allen.
Keith Allen's evening of events in his alcove.
Interesting act.
Who, to be honest, I thought was Keith Allen putting on an accent.
Until it turned out it wasn't him.
Just goes to show how much I know. What else happened? So I was in the woods, up in the woods having
a quiet cigarette and three gentlemen came in and started talking behind me. I wasn't
paying much notice until one of them said, ooh John's got his willy out. Now, I wasn't going to turn around at this point,
but I was judging by their voices
in close proximity to wherever the penis action was.
And to cut a very long story short,
they all apparently got their penises out
and began thwacking against each other's thighs.
Well, not each other's thighs,
their own thighs, I guess. So I'm sitting there having a cigarette and probably not
too many feet away from my head were a couple of thwacking penises. I think what capped
it all off, though, in my cue to move was when two kids ran out of the bushes not too far away ran into the scene
to see what could only have been me
a man facing away
from the sound of three men thwacking their penises
and one of them just said
this sucks and ran away
and I left
not too far after
saw Portishead
that was nice
and that's been my report so far
Bit of a quiet day
Tomorrow's the big day
Geekatorium at the Literary Arena
10.30 till midnight I think
It's going to be a full on show extravaganza
So I'm going to have an early night tonight
Maybe a few sips of my JD and Coke
And a spliff or two
And then Betty Bowes by time for me and that
concludes my evening of events so yes that's what happened to me I got pushed
around by a person at the gate who wouldn't let me through with my bag
because it was full of apparently cocaine and crack so what the gate
between the main festival
and the performers' camping?
Yeah, you know, like, there's the main arena
where all the theatre spaces are
and the arenas and stuff like that,
but on each side, almost opposite,
you've got the main campus area
where there's shopping and there's stalls,
and then the other far end,
you've got the entrance to where the performers stay, right?
Yeah.
But you're not allowed to take anything
from the main camp stroke shopping area
back into the main arena
because that's where they sell their own food and drink.
So you're not allowed to take food and drink into it.
However, if you're a performer and you go to the shop,
you can't take what you've bought
through the main arena back to your area.
You've got to go all the way round.
Oh, the injustice of it all well this is the thing in the end a guy just said go to that guy over there he doesn't give a fuck he'll let you through and that's what happened oh really yeah pretty
much so i got the last laugh and the first because also i had my recorder with me and they were like
oh you're gonna illegally record the music music and all that kind of stuff.
And I was like, no, I'm recording it for a podcast.
And seriously, one person said, what's a podcast?
Well, some people don't know, Paul.
Some people.
So that was that.
It was weird having your spooky little tent next to me like a gravestone.
You not being there, just haunting the area.
And then the men in the woods thwacking their penises.
Yeah, that's particularly disturbing.
It was, because I literally could feel the wisp of air
from the displacement of their penis.
Rather, I'll rephrase that, the displacement of air
from the whispering penis.
They could have been, I don't know how close they were to me,
but I could definitely feel a draft.
You could feel a breeze coming off their cocks.
Oh, more than you know.
And it was deeply awkward
because I'm just sitting there having a lovely smoke
and then all you can hear is...
And then two more joined in
for a cock chorus of dick thwacking, I guess you could call it.
Thank God those 14-year-old boys helped break the ice.
Yes.
So that was my day until you returned the following day.
Indeed I did.
Yeah.
A better man.
Well, no, as we're literally just about to find out.
So let's find out what happened when you returned.
You know, you went away, you did your little DJ set
for your little pennies that you earned doing it
for paying your tour with your little music.
And then I asked you to bring a few props back with you,
you know, like a sheet and things for the show.
And let's see what happened there.
Shall we?
Shall we?
Yes, shall.
Let's shall.
Let's shall.
All right.
Good.
Sunday evening, 9.30.
The show is ahead of us in an hour and 15 minutes time.
We're backstage at the Littery Arena.
And I'm with Eli, who turned up with, guess what, everybody?
No sheet.
No bed sheet, no towel, no nothing.
He didn't turn up with the one thing I was going to ask him to do.
And yet he still showed his dirty face. Apologise.
I'm sorry, Paul, and anyone else that I've affected by my actions.
I'm very remiss.
It was remiss of me to forget the sheets and
I don't know what happened and I'll be resigning.
No wonder Matt
Crossey didn't want you for Humble Quest.
No wonder.
Don't put that out.
Edit point.
Tell me about your hot sausage you had today.
Well, Paul, I thought
I'll have a bit of a treat.
I've been eyeing up this Texas Smoker BBQ stall since I arrived on Thursday.
And I thought that looks quality.
You know, the serving staff all wear cowboy hats.
That says authentic BBQ.
Says that to me.
And their big smoker behind them has got handles in the shape of steers' heads.
Like a Desperate Dan kind of cow pie thing.
Exactly like that, yeah.
So I thought that, again, is pointing towards this being some kind of good barbecue.
So I had the sausage.
Of course you did.
And it said smoked sausage.
So I thought, oh, it's going to be some kind of lovely smoked sausage.
Like something with a bit of a, you know, when the skin breaks
and then there's some, like, you know, some real, some juice in there.
It was your bog standard, bready sort of calf,
like a sausage they'd sell you in Tottenham Court Road tube stop
outside in the middle of the night where they just burn onions
and everyone goes, oh, I can smell onions.
Why does that, you know, anyway.
Disappointing.
Very, very disappointing.
How much?
Fiver.
So not a huge rip-off, but still extremely expensive, really.
So out of 10, what are you going to give the hot, smoky barbecue sausage?
Four.
Four seems about right.
Well, how are you feeling about the forthcoming show?
I'm very excited.
I'm going to do my best, and I'm going to start drinking about ten minutes in.
Oh, lordy flip.
Ten minutes in?
Yeah.
What's wrong with that?
Just give it 20.
Oh, I'll give it 20 for you.
How long does it take to metabolise alcohol?
About one hour per unit.
So you won't be drunk until theoretically after the show?
Oh, no, I can get drunk quicker than that.
Don't be proud of that, though.
I'm not proud of it.
It's a disease.
And on that delightful bombshell,
we're going to stop and come back,
potentially just before the show or just after.
Let's see what happens.
Goodbye.
That's what.
So, yeah, you forgot the fucking sheet.
How many fucking times did I have to say to you, if there's nothing else that you do, bring the sheet?
Yeah, it was a mistake.
It was an honest mistake.
I made a mistake.
You didn't make a mistake, mate.
You were just, as usual, incompetent.
And you know what?
I'm docking you pay.
No, listen.
I'm docking you pay.
No.
If you came to work on a building site and you didn't have your helmet, you wouldn't get to work that day.
They'd send you home, right?
I'm docking your pay.
The sheet was not in any way essential.
I think you'll find it was.
We had to use a great big piece of white paper, which didn't really have the same effect for me.
It didn't float in the breeze like i wanted it to during the necessary moments and frankly i
felt my performance was hindered by it because you you couldn't simply go straight home and do
the first thing was simply put it straight into your bag and forget about it you could have done
that but you didn't you're just bitter because you didn't have the requisite ability and talent
as a physical performer oh i made it work. I made that work.
But, mate, you handcuffed me.
You handcuffed me to what I had to use.
A bad sportsman blames his tools.
Workman.
Yeah?
Well, you're a massive fucking tool and I'm blaming you, all right?
You cock.
You're a massive dick cock.
That's what you are.
The show was good.
The show, luckily, was good.
Now, I don't think we go into too much detail in the next clip,
but we had to start late,
and the show was already the last thing on that night on a Sunday.
So we weren't as packed as, you know, other shows there.
But I think we put on a really good show.
Yeah, it was okay, wasn't it?
Yeah, Sarah Bonetto was there, and the story beast was there,
having lots of fun. i thought all the sections
worked we had a alex edelman do a guest spot and uh he was amusing and fair play to him he worked
his stand-up to make it sound like it was appropriate for the show on a geek way so
i appreciated that diplomatic that's a very diplomatic way of putting it but at least he
made an effort to turn up and stuff like that, you know. That's good. Yeah, you know, because
some people, I don't know, don't bother
forgetting sheets and shit like that,
you know. They just think they can rock up and think
I read our show hood
but I don't give a fuck
but I get mine.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
So, yeah, the show was well received. The
Starbomb video was a lot of laughs
and, contrary to popular
opinion i got a couple of hundred people to sing rupert and the frog song and let off party poppers
at the end that my friend is i end the show that was a mistake it was not a mistake everyone was
enjoying it people were waving their phones in the end in a wavy way because you obviously can't
use lighters at the tent so you know that's a thing waving their phones just because you obviously can't use lighters at the tent. So, you know, that's a thing. Waving their phones.
Just because you're dead inside,
because you're bitter and miserable
and you haven't accomplished what you thought you would in life by this point,
and so everything that you do is inwardly quite negative.
By all means, you know, push that out onto the public
who are enjoying the cheese factor.
Okay, Paul, just say what you think.
I am. And you know what?
Maybe it would have gone easy on you if you hadn't,
you know, let's say it together,
hadn't forgotten the sheet. Can you say that
with me? Yes.
Hadn't forgotten
the sheet. You're a cunt. That's what you are.
Oh, right.
You're a cross between a
Tasmanian devil and a suicide
note. That's what you are.
You're a crossbreed of woe. You're a cross between a Tasmanian devil and a suicide note. That's what you are. You're a crossbreed of woe.
You're a crusty nut.
You're a shite chimera.
Yeah, all right.
Yeah, so I'll get off my chest.
I'm just annoyed.
You annoyed me.
So I'm sorry.
I'd just like to say sorry, Paul, for making you feel lonely by going back and earning money
at a bloody latitude.
That's fine. That's fine. Leave me alone.
I got by. I met up with some friends. That was all great.
You didn't turn up with a sheet. You didn't turn up with a sheet.
That's the thing. That's the thing.
That's the thing, all right?
One responsibility. I booked the show. I cast the show.
I made it happen. All the PowerPoints. Brought all the props. I asked the show, I cast the show, I made it happen, all the
PowerPoints, brought all the props, I asked you to bring one fucking thing,
something you could fold up flat and put into your bag and not have to worry
about it and you couldn't do it because you are a twat.
Okay Paul, yeah sorry about the sheet. I'm docking your pay. Let's play the final clip.
knocking your pay. Let's play the final clip. The Geekatorium has performed its first and hopefully not last Geekatorium.
Start again.
Alright.
Learn how to speak. Think about what you're going to say. Just plan it all out without
a word ahead. Fuck's sake.
Eli is not being a part of Geekatorium anymore.
Anymore.
Oh, I thought that
through.
Every single fucking
word, I thought that
through.
Hey, you fuck.
So anyway.
That's why when you
did it on stage,
when you were like,
so Eli, you like to
collect vinyl, don't
you?
And I went, yes.
And you went,
what?
Come on.
But you could have
said, you could have said something to the
effect of yes paul i do i like vinyl i've been collecting since i was blah blah blah
but you're just like uh i'm gonna be a cunt i'm gonna block you like a cunt and then make a point
of that and then make it turn it around to your cunt yeah so we did the geekatorium show at
latitude we started late because of various problems with time shifts and audiences
and the show being running over.
But we got on there.
We banged it out.
We did an hour and 25 minutes of hot shit.
We played games.
People won Haribo.
Sketches were played.
We ended with Rupert and the Frog song.
Everyone was singing along.
Party poppers went off. Done.
Good show.
Hello.
This is the
Latitude Report
final version.
Come on, I'll be final.
For this year at least.
Over and out.
Think of every word you fucking say. Think of every word. Er, er, er, er. Think of every word you fucking say.
Think of every word.
Think of every fucking word.
What a cock.
At least every sentence I say actually is a good sentence.
Apart from that one.
No, it meant sense.
Meant sense.
You're such a cock boggle. Don't break the oven. No, I fixed it. Don't break the
heater. Heater, oven. Think about what you say, Eli. Think about what you say. What you
say. Think about what you say. All right? Quanker. So we're just, you know, we're chilling
out. There's so much booze left over from all the different shows that we have effectively
done a bank heist on
booze here. We've been like,
having it, having it, having it, having it.
We had great guests.
I'm
feeling kind of high. Feeling
kind of good. Feeling kind of high
and kind of good.
Yeah. You better save me
some of that, you wank. Yeah, you fucking wank.
So, yeah, I'm feeling in a good mood.
And hopefully, based on tonight, I think they'd have us back, wouldn't they?
We got on well with everyone here.
And the audience liked it.
And the acts liked it.
There's no telling.
But I think we should, yeah, I'd like to.
Follow up with an email.
Yeah.
Do that, yeah.
Yeah.
Dear Festival, we'd like to come back, send Paul G Yeah. Do that, yeah. Yeah. Dear Festival,
we'd like to come back,
send Paul Gannon.
That'll get through.
I was going to burp,
but I didn't.
Anyway, this is all thrilling material for the podcast.
I did it!
Yay!
I'm going to call that a win.
So there we go.
That's all our clips done
It kind of degenerates
Towards the end of the report
I think it was already in a slightly
Corpse like state at the beginning
And became a rotting flesh zombie
If you could pause there for a second
I just want to check if you wanted to completely
Deconstruct my character and have a mad
Like you know
Disproportionate go at me again before we
stop the recording i think what you need to know eli at this point is that um the reason why i said
all this stuff is so it goes out as a podcast and people get to listen and kind of get to know the
real you oh get to know the real you oh brilliant the kind of upsidedown bog brush with a faggot of drink hanging out of its mouth.
Oh, oh.
Oh, really?
Well, at least I'm not an actual bog brush.
Oh, bog brush.
Is that what we've got become?
Bog brush.
That's it.
Listener, me and Eli actually respect and love each other and work well as a team.
This is all character.
You look like a TV presenter from...
Jackabow.
Jackabow.
Touch kids. That's it go and say
it chechnya oh all right i'll give you that it's a spin yeah yeah so um obviously you know
anyway podcast listener obviously these are just characters we play because of course in real life
eli couldn't be that fucking feckless and idiotic and pathetic in real life.
Not at all.
It's a character.
Isn't that right, Eli?
So, Paul, do we have any shows coming up where people can see this glorious, glittering repartee?
Yes, we do.
Cheap Show is coming back live to London from September.
If you want details on when our next shows are coming up, we have three
in September, one at the beginning and two at the end to look forward to. No exact dates right now,
but we are going to be taking two shows in London and one to the Liverpool Comedy Festival
in September. For all the details, go to www.thecheapshow.co.uk. And we have a Twitter
thecheapshow.co.uk and we have a Twitter
at thecheapshowpod
which you can follow us on.
So, yes, we have an official
SoundCloud account now,
Cheap Show.
We're on iTunes.
We're on Stitcher.
We're a completely independent beast.
That's good, isn't it?
That's very good.
Thanks, everybody.
So, basically, yeah,
if you enjoyed the podcast,
we'd like you to share with us.
Hopefully, you've enjoyed this podcast
and our seven previous podcasts and if you do please like review uh subscribe and share we're on itunes
we're on stitcher uh we're going to be doing two episodes a month one live one pre-record
and uh we'd like you to spread the word if possible um we've got some great guests in
the past we've got some great guests coming up.
And Ash will be joining us for the live shows as well.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Right.
Just the way you do admin is so tedious, man.
Oh, that's because some of us have responsibility.
You know, I can't ask you to do admin because you'd probably forget something, wouldn't you?
I could have said that.
Go on, then you say it, then. and if you enjoyed the cheap show podcast you can find us online just
put cheap show into google and you'll find our podcast you won't though because there are other
websites that call cheap show and there's a band called cheap show as well fucking do your research
all right good so that was our latitude 2015 hopefully we'll do one next year we might
even have a few more festivals to do next year as well so um this could be a regular thing
cheap show at the festivals we should always do a festival uh special if we go to a festival yeah
i believe as well we're going to be doing a very special cheap show at comic con in october fingers
crossed that's something to look forward to anyway the bottom line, go to www.thecheapshow.co.uk
where there's videos and podcasts and articles
and all kinds of stuff,
and we recommend you do.
So this is Paul Gannon saying goodbye,
and Eli, do you have any final words?
Sorry about the sheep, for fuck's sake.
Goodbye.