CheapShow - Ep 8: Wet Hot Latitude Summer (Festival Special)

Episode Date: July 30, 2015

The Boys Return to Latitude! In episode 8 of Cheap Show, Eli and Paul reminisce about their recent adventure at Latitude Festival and play clips from their time there with the hope to remember just w...hat exactly happened. They argue over who forgot to bring the right props, the quality of food served at the festivals, the price of said food, the incredible heat, climbing trees when drunk, losing mobile phones, being inches away from dangling penises, the state of festival toilets, carefully constructing sentences, the marvels of technology, wi-fi hotspots and much much less... It bears mentioning that NOT ONCE do they talk about the cultural aspects of one of the UK's greatest music and arts festivals. It was THAT kind of festival. Paul and Eli would like to thank the following people for helping make their Latitude Festival experience so (barely) memorable. Mark Allen, Gavin Osbourne, Sarah Bennetto, The Story Beast, Richard Sandling, Matt Highton, Starbomb and Latitude Festival itself! So listen, enjoy, download, subscribe to "CheapShow" Follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow or @elisnoid @ashfrith Visit our lovely website for more podcasts www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at thecheapshow@gmail.com And if you have to, join us on Facebook - just look for "The CheapShow"! If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, share, comment... all that jazz! Subscribe to us on Stitcher or iTunes and get fortnightly fun WARNING *Show contains strong language and adult material

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Hello and welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast. I am Paul Gannon. I'm Eli Silverman, hello. And we have a very special episode today for many reasons. One, it's a bit unusual. We're not doing it live in front of an audience. And two, we're doing it because we're doing it from, I'm in Southampton and where are you? I'm here in London in beautiful Haringey. I'm in Southampton and where are you? I'm here in London in beautiful Haringey. And we are using the magic of the internet to record this very special edition of Cheap Show.
Starting point is 00:00:53 Episode 8, the Latitude Special. Ooh! So explain to the lovely listeners, in case they don't know, what Latitude is. Oh, Latitude is the Northern Hemisphere's biggest collection of Lib Dem voters. Yeah. Also a kind of mixed arts festival they have in Suffolk every year. And we were invited in our capacity as comedy performers to entertain their Guardian voting crowds. Guardian voting?
Starting point is 00:01:22 Yeah. Well, I'd vote Guardian, wouldn't you i'd vote guardian god anyway the point being is that um we went to latitude to do some shows you had one with a friend of yours called mark allen didn't you yes um possibly the last ever live show with the original lineup of the humble quest for Universal Genius or better known as Universal Genius. Aye indeed and you were opening on Thursday night at the Literary Arena and then the Geekatorium which is the show that is the kind of mothership to Cheap Show was closing the Sunday night at the same arena and what we thought we'd do like we did a year or so ago is record a kind of in-situ live report of the festival as it happens.
Starting point is 00:02:08 And we did that, didn't we, Paul? To the best of our ability, yes, we did. We thought we'd try and slot in some cheap show-esque reviews of the food and entertainment. Well, it was more food, really. It was mostly just food actually yeah. So I reckon what we should just do is get the clips going. Let's get clips on the road. All right let's do this. Here is clip number one from our Latitude 2015 experience. Hello and welcome to Cheap Show at Latitude 2015. My name is Paul Gannon. And I'm Eli Silverman, hello.
Starting point is 00:02:47 And it is, I guess it's day one for our full day here, but actually it's day two, because it's Friday, and we got here Thursday, didn't we? Why? To do this show, I had to do a show last night. Now you may be wondering why our voices seem a little bit broken. And that's because we had one too many drinks. I'm in concurrence accordance with that. I really overdid it and I'm
Starting point is 00:03:17 too old for this shit. Is this exactly like last year's episode now isn't it? That's just yeah I feel really dreadful actually i'd like to talk about one event that happened last night though one event that i think is an interesting thing at latitude the festival 2015 word to your mama is we were in the woods weren't we me you mark allen who presents humble quest for universal genius and gavin osborne gavin osborne um all just drinking and having a merry old time in the woods and then every now and then
Starting point is 00:03:53 a big swarm of tomorrow people would just explain what was going on people in high-vis vests litter picker uppers is what they were officially, but they swept the place like a plague of locusts, like a mini-plague of locusts, didn't they? They just came, they went, and when they came past us, we'd been drinking some beers, we had the cans. The empties, we don't want to litter. It's a perfect opportunity for us to, you'd think,
Starting point is 00:04:23 go, here, litter, pick her up. Let us help you. Let's put some of this. We addressed two of them. Hey, I've got some cans. They ignored us. But not in a kind of rude way. Just in a kind of, it wasn't like we were even their way.
Starting point is 00:04:36 They, like, saw through us and just walked past. It was really creepy. And when, like, 20 of these people walk through your area, and they all don't look at you, and they're all looking down at the ground for your area and they all don't look at you and they're all looking down at the ground for tins and cans it was really an eerie and then we saw them go across the whole latitude main eating arena didn't they just in one big high-vis lightning bolt very weird so that was interesting we spoke spoke to one guy who had been up for 12 hours on a shift. Yeah, he seemed pretty tired.
Starting point is 00:05:09 He seemed very tired. So we gave him a tin of 7-Up and some Skittles. Oh, yeah. He cheered up after that, didn't he? I think the touch we bring to Latitude, I think that touch makes people's lives different. Yeah, we're bringing something. We're changing lives at Latitude. Yeah, we're changing lives at that actually yeah yeah we're changing lives at latitude day by day we're going
Starting point is 00:05:28 to change your life so four lives will be altered so that was last night the show by the way humble quest went very well thank you yeah it did yeah it went well it was good their fireworks oh yeah the opening fireworks happened in the middle of the show, and they were kind of... It was seven minutes and one second of... that interrupted your show, and quite loudly. It wasn't like it was in the distance. It was like someone firing a gun off.
Starting point is 00:05:57 It's like the SOM, orally. The oral SOM. It was the oral song, yeah. In other news, I really need to go for a shit. The first of my festival shits. I'm just hoping it won't be too traumatic. It's the waiting. It's the wait.
Starting point is 00:06:18 I'm going to go. I'm going to go do it now. Well, it's a very exciting development. And I wish you all the best. Thank you. Thank you. Goodbye. Maybe you can come back and report on how it went.
Starting point is 00:06:29 All right, I will. No, don't. Right, so you're up to date. Do-do-do-do-do. If you want to know... How the poo went. How did it go? I don't think I asked you.
Starting point is 00:06:45 It was fine. The toilets there are actually quite good. The ones in the performers camping, don't you know? I think I mentioned it later on, but it's largely down to the fact that it wasn't wet weather. So they didn't look completely disgusting. Yeah. So that was quite successful, yes. So that was quite successful, yes. Yeah, and that whole bit about the cleaner uppers, which I'd never noticed before in previous years, was just really creepy in a kind of Village of the Damned type way.
Starting point is 00:07:14 I don't think it was the same in previous years. No? Do you think they were hard-lined kind of garbage picker uppers? They just trucked them in straight from Calais, probably. Yeah, like mincemeat out the end of the oh dear on zero hour contracts and you know well you know in in the end of the day it's perfect for a middle class um festival to use the uh benefit of the lower classes to help make our experience more enjoyable did you say so well i might edit that out no i won't um so yeah it was a good show i remember but the fireworks were a massive loud seven minute and one second distraction yeah they were deafening but what are you going to do what can you do well we we were lucky in that the tent was so packed
Starting point is 00:08:06 you do well we we were lucky in that the tent was so packed that people did want to start leaving to go out but then they were sort of um coagulating around the uh exits so people who were still in there couldn't actually leave well so that's great for you but also possibly a death trap waiting to happen could have been if some kind of fire had started yes you know like if a wayward firework came towards the tent and uh set fire to the awning that'd be pretty bad but you know we're projecting that didn't happen i'm sure latitude has a great track record with fire safety yes but not with rape uh moving swiftly on uh i think we'll play the next clip okay fine yeah i'm getting into this this is uh weird it is weird but uh it's novel uh right clip number two so we are now in the main arena in latitude um it's busy full of people isn't that right yes
Starting point is 00:09:04 some strange weather conditions it's very hot and of people, isn't that right? Yes, and there's some strange weather conditions it's very hot and sweaty but also raining slightly We're finding it unsettling It's sunshine on a rainy day by Zoe If anyone remembers that I remember it It's good
Starting point is 00:09:19 It's not good, it's awful So anyway as always when we're here we like to see what food we can get for the prices available. And it's all about the same price this year, about £8 to £10 depending on what you buy. It's not cheap by any means, but they haven't gone really stupid, have they? I mean...
Starting point is 00:09:35 It's exactly what you expect for festival prices. It's festival prices. It's more expensive. So what have you gone for then today? I've gone for pizza from the wood-fired Mama Joy's. Mama Joy's Pizzeria. I'm not holding out a lot of... Which pizza did you get?
Starting point is 00:09:51 I got the double pepperoni, but I asked for extra chilli, and she went extra chilli, yeah, as if she's not going to remember that. So that'll be the test for me. So hopefully we'll come back a bit later with a food tasting report. Yeah, you can have a slice, Paul Paul That's very kind of you, thank you Do you fancy a slice? Yes I'll apportion you a portion
Starting point is 00:10:13 Good And we'll have that report for you very soon Well that was a thrilling clip, wasn't it? It was brief It was the preamble to the first bit of cheap eats. That's true. Actually, it's probably worth mentioning now that we always hope to have good weather at Latitude. Sometimes we're not that lucky.
Starting point is 00:10:34 Sometimes it pisses down. But fucking hell, was it hot that year. It was really awful. I wouldn't say awful, but it was hard to find anywhere comfortable to relax. Listen, Paul, right? All right. Friday at Latitude, right? I'd been bitten by what turned out to be horseflies.
Starting point is 00:10:55 So that's a cheap eating itself, isn't it? My arm was swollen. Yeah. Not only the horseflies, probably about, I don't know, 200 or 300 mosquito bites on the rest of my body. Wow. Itched to fuck. And I was hungover.
Starting point is 00:11:13 It was a two-day hangover. It was really bad. I just needed to not be awake. And I couldn't hydrate myself. And I was just boiling in, half half in half out of the tent and I have to say I don't know how I did it but this year was probably the worst tent experience of my whole festival going career that can't be true no it was if anything it was an arid I mean look I never went into your tent nor did I ever ever want to But it can't have been that bad in there.
Starting point is 00:11:46 It was really, really uncomfortable. I mean, I know for a fact that you couldn't go in your tent to get any shade because it was just a heat box in there. That's right. I can't remember if I mentioned it in a clip coming up, but I did fall asleep on the kind of ground sheet just outside my tent. And when I woke up, my cheek was submerged in my own sweat puddle nice little sweat puddle yeah so yeah hot very very hot um but I'd rather have
Starting point is 00:12:13 that than pissing down weather all the time I mean that's just depressing and grim pretty pleasant really I was just I I just didn't feel good on Friday, you know. No, I know. I, however, for the listeners at home, wasn't bitten at all. Like, at all. That's because your blood is bitter. And probably tainted with scouse venom. Yes. So I think it's time to find out what you thought of that pizza, isn't it? Oh, is that what's next?
Starting point is 00:12:40 I hope so. Okay. Let's find out. Some time has passed and now we are at the point where Eli has gotten his pizza from the pizza place here at Latitude. Mama Joy's. Mama Joy's Pizzeria. Go through the process of what you found when you opened the box
Starting point is 00:12:58 and through to your first taste sensation. Visually, it's poor, basically. It looks bad. the pepperoni's obviously uncooked it hasn't cooked at all the pepperoni is just sitting and there's cheese is you can still see the shape of the gratings of the cheese it's not like an even cover of cheese very lackluster display it's visually it's just not very good at all now it is nice and hot and it tastes all right about what's right just the just the amount you need for it to taste like a pizza yeah it's you
Starting point is 00:13:36 know the dough it's not too thick um pepperoni's all right although it's uncooked uh they've they've got my order right with the chilli there is chilli on that but again raw red chilli just sort of chopped so it's just half the course then basically for festival pizza that's a shame out of ten?
Starting point is 00:14:01 I'll give it six, that's been generous a generous six I'll tell you one thing that's been generous a generous six I'll tell you one thing though looking at the people who work there they do not look happy I did not see
Starting point is 00:14:11 one smile not even faked the woman who served me did smile when she produced the pizza she was so
Starting point is 00:14:18 yeah she looked like she wasn't happy but she was smiling anyway take the pizza and fuck off yeah
Starting point is 00:14:24 she was Scottish as well you're always Scottish and fuck off yeah she was scottish as well you're always scottish i heard one just say what's your name love pam that was my favorite little moment right yeah they're all scottish so there's a scottish pizza company obviously and um i won't be going back there ever so although i'm you know it's okay. It's filling a gap. And it was what, eight quid, you say? It was eight quid. Yeah. Pretty expensive, really.
Starting point is 00:14:52 Yeah, well, there you go. Well, that's our first review down. We'll have another report later on. Maybe some nachos. We'll go for some nacho review later on, okay? I think a nacho is a good way to go forward with this. It's the next lateral step. Well, what I actually want to eat, though, is the West Indian,
Starting point is 00:15:09 which is always here. All right, cool. All right, we'll figure that out later on in the podcast. Oh, look, there's a man selling strawberries and ice cream in an oversized pot. I'm not buying it.
Starting point is 00:15:22 I can't. Do you want to taste the pizza? I'll taste buying it. I can't. Do you want to taste the pizza? I'll taste the pizza. Pizza Update by Paul Gannon. After I finished recording, I was offered a slice of the pizza, which I duly tried with good faith. And yeah, like Eli, it didn't have much of a flavour. The spice was carrying it mostly.
Starting point is 00:15:41 The bread was serviceable. It was not. This is the the point though the point is is that as a final affront to my goodwill it squirted its sticky oily chili juice all over my thigh staining my beige canvas trousers very fetching and the look is ruined and now they look like i've been stabbed or in some kind of a tomato fight i'm gonna look like a nana well anyway as a result of that disgusting slap to the face i'm gonna give that pizza um a two okay good so yeah i'm just like to say uh i was extremely generous giving that six i thought so
Starting point is 00:16:29 i thought so i think you amend uh your uh review later on actually i think you do comment upon that it just keeps getting worse that pizza as time goes on it's going to be like up there with hitler in about five years i don't think you can compare pizza to hitler or the fact that they end with the word the sound la but who's to know paul you know how history will judge things well the third reich or the third slice that is the question oh is that some wordsmithery not particularly good wordsmithery but yes it kind of counts i couldn't think of a better you know witty thing without getting tasteless, like saying, well, they're both used to putting things in ovens or, you know, whatever.
Starting point is 00:17:13 Oh, God. We've lost. We've mentioned the Nazis now. You brought the Nazis up. All right. Sorry. I merely tried to capitalise upon it, which isn't as good. tried to capitalize upon it which isn't as good um so yeah that pizza uh yeah i i it was inoffensive to the point of being offensive if that makes sense you know it's like the least amount of effort needed to be a pizza basically the the barest minimum what i hated about it more was the whole store looked like a fake italian pizza that they painted it up to make it look like there was you know um fire ovens in there and like it was like you know like it looked fake it almost looked like a kind of ghost train
Starting point is 00:17:48 if the ghost train's theme was Italian pizzeria yeah ghost train pizzeria yeah yeah that's what it looked like it had a very carny feel didn't it very carny feel was that one um Texas smokehouse no we'll get to that that gets brought up later oh it's all about the food we haven't mentioned one single uh recording artist or performer yet we didn't see a single or artist or or performance you saw porter's head didn't you i did see porter's head i think i mentioned that in a clip later on listener we're just going to be repeating the word let me just say latitude three times in a row latitude latitude latitude i'm going to throw in an extra latitude at this point too. Latitude.
Starting point is 00:18:30 Right, so let's play the next clip. And we're back. Eli wants to update us with the latest information. So Eli, what have you got for us in our next Latitude report? We wandered around after the distinctly disappointing pizza. Distinctly disappointing. distinctly disappointing staining staining the pizza it was experience marring experience marring pizza and then we
Starting point is 00:18:53 walked around a bit and uh you bought a pepsi and we went to the tree the tree that i was climbing a tree that's it we haven't have we mentioned the tree climbing yet last night we all got a little bit merry uh drinks were had comments were made and I uh I was basically egged on to uh to do some climbing which I was happy to you know it was uh my choice my own choice and um you did well thank you yeah apart from that what time I tried to poke you the massive stick yeah that wasn't good Yeah, that wasn't good. Especially, yeah, that wasn't good. Anyway, but... You were coming right for me.
Starting point is 00:19:28 It was protection. What happens is you get up a few feet off the ground, then the fucking, you know, vertigo kicks in and you're clinging on like a baby after that. You know? So, you know, bravado turns to, like, abject fear, like, quite quickly in those tree climbing situations. So... That was last night's adventures.
Starting point is 00:19:48 It was a lot of fun. Today, not so many adventures. More, we just woke up really slowly. Badly, really badly. I mean, I felt real wrong, real wrong, real wrong. And we're going to just do some do some recharging now I think
Starting point is 00:20:06 just basically you know base camp we're back at base camp that's it so that's it we're checking out do you want to talk about
Starting point is 00:20:14 you having a wank in the showers I don't want that included in the podcast actually well you know free speech
Starting point is 00:20:23 over and out thank you you know too much now so yeah you climbed the tree I did indeed yes and it was it was a lot of fun that tree was a
Starting point is 00:20:42 lovely old tree wasn't it with all the branches drooping down and touching the forest floor. So it was quite easy to climb. It's an inviting tree. You look like a little denim Mowgli. Oh, thanks, Paul. Yeah. What was brilliant was when you threatened me with a pointed stick.
Starting point is 00:21:01 I didn't threaten you. I was merely guarding myself because you were looking quite agitated up in that tree. I thought you were going to pounce like a tiger. What, from off the tree? Yeah. From a few metres up?
Starting point is 00:21:13 Can I just say, that is horse shit. It's not horse shit. It is. You thought it'd be a fucking fun thing. Oh, look at Paul. What a lad. He's got a pointed stick. He's threatening Eli
Starting point is 00:21:24 when I'm at my most vulnerable. Yeah. Yeah. thing oh look at paul what a lad he's got a pointed stick he's threatening eli when he's when i'm at my most vulnerable yeah yeah exactly you admitted it thank you a cut okay so look uh you know what we did we mentioned that i lost my phone that whole thing that was fun oh that no well it was fun for us but not so much for you so after the tree climbing um happened we all repaired back to the bar within the performers camping area and uh i realized i didn't have my phone on me after i bought everyone a drink in a moment of joy de vive and uh And no one could get any signal. That's one thing about latitude.
Starting point is 00:22:09 Oh, no signal. No contact to the outside world at all. No 4G either, is there? No, we had to huddle at Wi-Fi spots, didn't we? Just to reach out to our friends and family. Oh, it was a fucking disgrace, wasn't it? I mean, come on. Well, I mean, look, at least they had Wi-Fi spots.
Starting point is 00:22:27 I don't remember them doing it last year. And that was great. It meant I could update with a Facebook saying, Eli's up a tree or Eli's lost his phone or Eli forgot to bring the sheet because he's a fucking massive cock. Things like that. So, yeah, you lost your phone.
Starting point is 00:22:47 And I decided I'd left it by the tree which is a good 10 minutes away yeah so i ran all the way back there in the middle of the night and looked extensively it wasn't there so all the way back and then i was thinking god why do i give a shit so much about my phone and then i was thinking perhaps it's good that i lost my phone because i'm always on it and it's uh dominating my life and it's like i've lost a child or something here uh and then we got back and you phoned it and i'd left it at the bar there yeah you massive knob which was a relief but uh yeah it was a relief and um it meant you could go back to being frustrated that you can't play Scrabble. Yes, basically. It was a brick, but at least I had it. The common thought amongst us was basically when you can't do anything with your phone, it's practically a calculator.
Starting point is 00:23:40 Yes, unless your calculator app works offline, I mean online. Don't ask me. So you found your phone and all was well. You didn't lose anything else did you that weekend? Some of my dignity. Most of your dignity. Yes. Well let's find out what happens in the next clip. Let's roll the next clip. It is now around, what time is it about? Quarter past nine.
Starting point is 00:24:07 Quarter past nine on Friday at Latitude, and it's time to update you on our nachos decision. Now, I'll start with my attempt. I went to get nachos at one of the Mexican places, and I think I was disappointed. For five pound, I got nachos with cheese and sour cream, and I would have enjoyed it had it not been for the fact that bugs were raining down on my creamy nachos like asteroids
Starting point is 00:24:31 it was just one after the other dive bombing and dying on my food one after the other and you can see the life ebb away as they're consumed by the runny horrible orange cheese so I couldn't eat most of it, not all of it because basically it was littered with dead bugs. So I'm going to go ahead and give it a very poor 4 out of 10. Eli, over to you. Yeah, well, you obviously made a mistake in your ordering
Starting point is 00:24:57 because you went for just a too simple an order. You've got nachos, you've got to have the variety, don't you? You've got to have a bit of this, a bit of that. So I spent a few quid more, and I think my nacho experience was quite a lot better than yours. You know, I went for the chili cheese nachos. How much? £5.50.
Starting point is 00:25:17 So only 50p more for chili. You know what I mean? You could add chili for 50p more. And then I went for extra jalapenos i've got to have that spice got to have it got to have it got to have it baby you know i've got to have that spice and um i did and yeah they were pretty good nice chips nice corn chips um what really pushed it over the top for me though is that my friend mark was in the queue in front of me he was given the option the choice of grated cheese or the cheese nacho cheese sauce you know the stuff the uh the melty squirty stuff that they give you in cinemas i like them both so does mark
Starting point is 00:25:59 and he said oh i can't make my mind up. Could I have both? And she said yes. And so it saved me the job of asking for both because I just went, I'll have exactly what he had. And she went, do you want the cheese as well like that, double cheese? Yes. Yes, I fucking do. And that's what I did. So, seven. Oh, okay.
Starting point is 00:26:22 The pizza, I have to say, the pizza pizza I just gave it two higher score earlier it's only a three really wow yeah it was terrible a terrible pizza it's also worth noting
Starting point is 00:26:34 we've been to this festival now two days and we've seen fuck all of the music the performers the live events
Starting point is 00:26:42 the readings the poetry nothing we've just wandered around had a bit of of a nap, smoked it up, gone for a walk, had a drink, eaten food. It's been very cultural for us. And we aim to fix that. Well, I aim to fix it tomorrow.
Starting point is 00:27:01 When Eli has to run away, run away and do some stuff back in London town. But until then, we'll keep the reports coming. Maybe something exciting will happen later. So that Mark, Alan and you getting nachos story was very enthralling. Thanks, Paul. Yes, I like to tell a good getting nachos tale. Yeah, you do like to try and tell a good story involving nachos, and that was one of your best. Okay, thanks. Yeah, so those nachos were all right, actually.
Starting point is 00:27:32 That's why they're so popular in festivals. It's hard to go wrong. It's just literally some ingredients. And it's the cheapest thing you're going to get there, by and large. Yes, in terms of value, if you're talking cheap eats, you do get quite a lot of uh carbohydrate i didn't get to eat much of mine to be honest mainly because it was littered with the thousands and thousands of dead bugs uh scattering themselves liberally across my melty cheese
Starting point is 00:27:56 at least they were in your melty cheese rather than biting my melty flesh yeah but it was like kamikaze gnats just i was i would it would i would just sit there and look at it for a minute or two and just see them just go and it just put me off because i had to eat all around them so i only really ate half of what i bought i'm very disappointed and as mentioned earlier you did correct your pizza score yes i've corrected the pizza score, but now with some hindsight, I'd like to re-correct it, if I may. You can, of course.
Starting point is 00:28:31 And we'll just go to minus seven billion. Oh, good. From one extreme to the other. Right, let's play the next clip. It was some warm bread. Oh, fuck. It was some warm bread that someone had introduced to a tomato in passing with some raw foam meat slices. Anyway, you could hear in that last clip that you get all,
Starting point is 00:28:53 ooh, about me going back to work on Saturday night, which I had to do. Yes, because I was a little bit concerned that you going away would affect the Sunday show in some way, and I couldn't fathom at that time what that effect would be. We'll find out what the effect was later, though, won't we? Oh, we will. We will. We will. Right, let's play the fucking next clip. All right.
Starting point is 00:29:17 Update, update. It's now time for Eli's I've Just Had a Curry report. Eli, over to you. Well, Paul, as you've said, I have breaking news. I have just had a curry and it was quite nice and spicy but it was meant to be lamb curry
Starting point is 00:29:33 and what it was was a keema kebab curry. Do you know what I mean? They have those kebab rolls that are sort of minced lamb and spice that they do and they use that instead of actual lamb. So that's a bit of a jib, I think. It was still pretty tasty.
Starting point is 00:29:48 Bit of a setback, though, to you. Quite a lot of it. Nice and spicy. How much did you pay? £7.50. And would you say it was worth £7.50? In the real world, you're talking £3.50. Well, we're not in the real world, Eli.
Starting point is 00:30:02 We're in Latitudevilleville and it's pricey the cheapest thing I've seen so far is a bag of kettle chips for £2 that's not true, I had 8 stick of licorice sweet black original licorice for 50p and so far it's been the highlight of my
Starting point is 00:30:19 eating experience fair enough do you have anything to add before we close this update eating experience. Fair enough. Do you have anything to add before we close this update curry report? No, I think we should just close the report there. Let's do that. So, yes.
Starting point is 00:30:34 Curry. That was worth it. Call it lamb curry was mis-selling. If I'm being kind. Yeah. And downright...
Starting point is 00:30:45 Was there very little lamb? Well, it wasn't lamb. It was these kebab rolls, the minced, you know. Mm, that's true. That's true. Still, was it a good eat? It was quite nice, yes. And there was nice rice with it.
Starting point is 00:31:00 The rice was well done. Yeah. And you got a bit of naan bread, obviously. Obviously. The naan was like a piece of naan bread obviously obviously the naan was like a piece of dried goat's turd i mean you know it was awful it wasn't a proper naan it was one of those awful the kind of naan you get when you buy a kind of indian set boxed meal from your co-op or whatever it's one of those exactly exactly like that a round flat bread so there was all this corner cutting really i wanted
Starting point is 00:31:27 to see you know a bit of gourmet action there was nothing that looked actually really good there no not really and usually you get something like a stew or you know like a proper pizza place with one of those uh i think there were proper pizza places there. I just think we didn't go. There was that Volcano Pizza Emporium, which looked impressive. We didn't bloody do anything, did we? No. I was swollen. I looked like Popeye.
Starting point is 00:31:54 Your whole body looked like Popeye's eye. And the effect of Tuborg, the other thing we should mention is the booze there, you're very limited if you're buying booze there. Yeah, you're limited to what they allow you to buy. Which is Tuborg. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:32:13 It seems to exist again in the real world. It's made by Carlsberg, but it only seems to pop up at festivals. It is the festival brew of choice, apparently. It's fine, it does the job. Yeah, it does the choice, apparently. It's fine. It does the job. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, we at least partake in the drinking and the eating part of the festival, which
Starting point is 00:32:32 a lot of cultural podcasts won't cover. We're doing a service. Well, that's good because we saw fuck all culture. We didn't really. I mean, nothing. We actually went out of our way to push culture out of our system uh while we were there we didn't see the secret ed sheenan concert the secret tom york
Starting point is 00:32:53 concert we didn't see uh uh boomtown rats which although i was reliably told was a massive massive bag of shit yeah i did actually when i was returning to the site on the sunday um in a motor vehicle yeah uh you know there's a palaver you have to drive around to the blue gate and go in there and do that and you know yeah uh i could hear the boomtown rats and did it sound like a rat going boom well i the only reason i could hear know that it was the boomtown rats because it was this song where they go we are the boomtown rats no good it wasn't just them doing i don't like monday seven times in a row and then calling it a day no they did the we are the boomtown rats song no i don't know why they keep getting booked i mean bob geldof, what's the point, Bob? Bob, if you're listening, what's the point?
Starting point is 00:33:47 He speaks very highly of you, Paul. He does. We had a falling out. I said Live 8 was misguided. Motherfucking Live 8. Shall we just play the next clip, then? Yeah, why not? Let's do it.
Starting point is 00:34:01 We're at the end of the second night, and I just want to get eli's feelings emotional or physical about how he's feeling i'm feeling a bit drained actually well mentally emotionally emotionally i'm okay pretty stable but um i'm quite drained mentally you've had a rough day doing all that stuff you did today, like... Eating several times. And lying down in the sun. And I had a couple of beers. Ladies and gentlemen, you should never mix the sun with drinking.
Starting point is 00:34:41 It's a volatile combination. I, however, am feeling reasonably mellow. In the background, you're listening to the sounds of Pappy's Fun Club. I'm sorry, was that how I signed off? Yes, twice. By mentioning a much better comedy group and then burping?
Starting point is 00:35:04 Yes, twice you did that's you're right that's twice it's very unprofessional of me yeah but you know that's uh that's us yeah it is us um you can't say that we're not thorough we're thoroughly unprofessional oh completely but that's our charm that's why we have listeners. One or two listeners who are faithful to our cause. Well, Paul, you know, I do feel a slight twinge of regret that I wasn't more up for just sort of partying on the Friday.
Starting point is 00:35:36 It was reasonably subdued, wasn't it, this time? I mean, we had a good time, but it was quiet. It was a quiet festival for us. Yeah, I just was just wrecked i would have got i was just two day hangover you know it was all that trying to have sex with trees and things like that that was i wasn't trying to have sex i was trying to climb them yeah but you got a bit of wood didn't you i got almost got your wooden pole stabbed right through me. I would never have caused harm to your pretty face. Well, anyway, that curry was shit.
Starting point is 00:36:10 Yeah. Right, let's play the next clip. Next clip. I'll tell you what I will say, actually, about climbing trees. There were a lot of knobheads doing it this year, weren't there? Quite a lot of knobheads doing it. Every time we sat in that little area for a smoke or a chat, you'd always get a band of guys who thought
Starting point is 00:36:23 they were the first person to have an idea about climbing that tree and by and large they tried to climb as high as they could yes that's what you do when you climb trees paul well not necessarily you can go to a lower branch and just enjoy the dangle you have never even done that you were a sickly child at home with your no i'll tell you i'll tell you why I don't climb trees, mate, right? It's a personal story that I'm happy to recount now, OK? So I was once climbing trees with friends in a wood near the Cadbury's factory near where I grew up. Is that near Bourneville?
Starting point is 00:36:57 No, no, there was a Cadbury's factory in Wirral. It was owned by a company called Premier Brands, but this Cadbury's factory made things like the biscuits and the chocolate fingers and whatnot. But there was a little wood not too far away from the factory. You could smell the chocolate when we walked home from school. Very, very, very Charlie and the Chocolate Factory kind of upbringing. But anyway, climbing a tree with all my friends, and I'm like...
Starting point is 00:37:20 With your grandparents? No, no, no. I'm just saying I could smell chocolate to and from school that's it but anyway i'm climbing a tree with all my friends about 14 15 whatever the age and i get to the top and i'm like i'm the best and i stand on the top branch and i reach out with my arms in a rocky style fashion and then i hear a god almighty snap and the branch breaks and this is quite i don't know how tall the tree is but it was a big tree and i was a small person and i began to fell um you
Starting point is 00:37:52 began to fail i began to fall fuck you i began to fall all right i fell um but what happened was i didn't hit the ground because um i bounced off two massive twigs and then this one kind of broken already broken branch was sticking out of the tree and it caught my jumper and as I fell it grabbed the jumper and then scratched a great big fucking scratch right at my back and then left me hanging there and as I looked down in tears still screaming blood pouring down my back and choking as my jumper tries to throttle me on the branch. I can see my friends running off saying,
Starting point is 00:38:27 fuck it, he's going to die, right? And they all wander away. And I'm hanging there for 20 minutes, right? Until one of the parents of one of the kids comes to look for me because obviously one of them told me what was going on. And this is the sad thing. I've been hanging there for 20 minutes, and the minute the dad turns up with the ladder,
Starting point is 00:38:47 that's when that jumper gives way, and I fell the rest of the way face first. So I just don't climb trees anymore. Paul, just to let you know, my hourly fee has gone up to £20. Continue. You're not going to be my therapist. I'm not getting therapy from the likes of you.
Starting point is 00:39:08 Well, it sounds like it. Anyway, the point is, I don't climb trees because it's a wanker sport. Right, so you admit it's not entirely rational, this hatred you have of young people out at a festival and having a good time climbing a tree,
Starting point is 00:39:24 getting back to nature Yeah, there's a difference between that right and then go Oh, yeah When you want a fucking branch and it snaps and you fall a couple of feet and your mates call you a wanker No one did fall did they yeah one person did they fell out of the tree and broke a branch? Oh, yeah. Yeah, and remember me and you we laughed? Yeah, we laughed. Yeah, so good. That proves my point. Let's play the next fucking clip.
Starting point is 00:39:48 All right, then. We are walking back to our campsite now, for the day has beaten us. Wouldn't you say it beat us? Yeah. That's all I've got, all right. We're very tired. We've not even done anything, but we're just fucking tired.
Starting point is 00:40:08 Do you think it was just because of the fallout from yesterday night? Yeah, basically. And the sun. The sun was the biggest killer for me. I woke up in a pool of face sweat at the bottom of my tent. It was not classy at all. How's your tent been? Because it's, what, ten years old? It's terrible. There's your tent been? Because it's what, ten years old? It's terrible.
Starting point is 00:40:29 There's all mystery splodges. All over. Mystery splodges all over. And it's just uncomfortable as fuck. Well, there you go. Uncomfortable as fuck fuck my tent's been great so far not bad
Starting point is 00:40:49 bought it £25 in Halfords may as well keep the cheap show theme in alright may as well keep the theme in here's a car going past for memory's sake I believe it was a jeep but I can't guarantee that. It's very Jeep-like.
Starting point is 00:41:07 So, just to describe, we're walking back towards the camp. It's a long trail. Luckily it's not been rainy, so this is all dry this year. It's great. It also means the toilets aren't caked in a mysterious filth. So we're walking. And, uh... so we're walking Hannah a couple of singing minstrels walking by
Starting point is 00:41:37 that's the vibe I like about festivals don't you? the whole little microcosms of the world each little caravan, each little tent. Just little, like rear window, but with tents. I mean, that one looked quite nice. It's like an old van, but they've kitted it out to look quite nice, I thought. Yeah, that's an extractive looking van. What else to report?
Starting point is 00:42:08 Nothing. So yeah, we're heading back and it's nice. It's a nice leafy English lane. Not leafy. What would you call this then? A furrow? There's a dirt road in a park. You've got no romance.
Starting point is 00:42:23 It's a dirt road, a park. It's lit by loads of lights hanging down, which is beautiful, I think. Our tent camp area is across a small gully. Gully? Moat? Ditch? Gully. Gully. Ditch. It's a ditch. Ditch. It's a ditch.
Starting point is 00:42:48 It's a ditch. All right, I was trying to dress it up. So we're now going to transverse the ditch by going down the... Speak for yourself. I'm going to the loo. You're going to the loo? Yeah. Why didn't you go up there?
Starting point is 00:43:01 Because it's more smelly up there. It wasn't smelly at all. It was a nice one. Those aren't nice ones. Show me the nice ones. I'm not going to show you the toilet. You're a big boy now. You can deal with that yourself. But I don't understand what makes these toilets so great. They're just further away from everyone, so they've been used less. That's my theory.
Starting point is 00:43:24 Even that's not true at all, because there's loads of tents around it, which means at least, let's just say, for example... Any classes? No. No. But I have recorded that. Were they offered? No, they wanted classes off us.
Starting point is 00:43:40 Do we look like drug... Well, actually, we do look like drug dealers. You obviously look like a drug dealer dealer and I've got a hoodie on but I don't know do you know how many drug dealers walk around talking into a microphone digital recorder
Starting point is 00:43:58 I see now we're approaching the I believe the more upscale toilet next to the shower block brightly lit so you can scrub your jewellery or purse any way you like and
Starting point is 00:44:18 I've just realised I didn't really have to walk with you you didn't don't know what you're doing I'm just realised I didn't really have to walk with you. No, you didn't. I don't know what you're doing. I'm just really tired. I still feel hungover. Yeah. I still feel just like, ugh.
Starting point is 00:44:34 It's not quite right. What? Yeah, well, there you go. We're at the toilets now. This looks just as busy as any other block, mate. So, you know, I'll figure it out. I'm going to sign off and come back with a port where you've had a pee.
Starting point is 00:44:58 What's wrong? You look confused. I'm just going to go up against a tree. I've seen some people looking in the toilet there and bulking, so there's obviously some problems. Bulking is a very, I think, it's just going to go for a piss. You can go in the gully, in our ditch. Alright. Yeah, it might not be too bad, just don't go in the one that's been bulking people. Anyway, I'll report back on that in a bit. So we're back now waiting on the report from Eli. He's been in there at least 30 to 40 seconds into the toilet
Starting point is 00:45:41 and he hasn't left. Distraught and emotionally disturbed. So we're looking like it's a clean toilet. The odds are good. I guess he's mid-pee right now. Possibly closer to
Starting point is 00:46:00 the end than the beginning. He's a brave guy. He really is. He's probably shaking off at this point now, dabbing the last few droplets of urine away from his sad, crusty sausage roll of a penis. And he's emerged. He's out. He's looking bracing. Eli, how was that? It was okay. Can you go through the overall atmosphere inside the toilet?
Starting point is 00:46:36 Not too smelly. Wasn't one worth bulking at then? No, he was definitely not a bulker. And was it a long satisfying stream or just an emptying of the bag? It was quite a heavy stream. Cool. And the hand soap sanitiser gel, how have you been finding that this year? It's not very good, is it? I find it surprisingly sticky, considering it's not meant to leave anything on your hands.
Starting point is 00:47:01 Yeah. to leave anything on your hands. Yeah. Well, these are just some of the amazing reports we'll continue to bring you at Latitude. What will be a cheap eat tomorrow? What's the best deal in the shop centre? That's what I might do. Go to the shops and see what deals are like.
Starting point is 00:47:20 Maybe I can find a bargain or two. It's a thought. Maybe we'll find out if Paul will decide to poo this festival. Because so far, I'm looking bound. I think my gut's going to lock down. You've literally not done... You haven't done a poo. I think I successfully evacuated my battles before getting out.
Starting point is 00:47:47 I forced every last egg out of my body. And I think I came in pretty riding high. So we'll see. Anyway, I'm hoping to save any and all poos for the litter arena toilet. Because I think that's going to be the one where it's your safest bet. So that's something to look forward to. We're just here. We're always opposite the last white caravan.
Starting point is 00:48:19 The gully's almost right there. By this pole. And now we're going to cross it. This is Paul Gannon on the move at Latitude 2015 at their 10th anniversary. Crossing a ditch. You watch this. I'm taking my first step.
Starting point is 00:48:37 Don't get close to me. I don't like it. Right. And now I'm going up. You can hear my feet. That was textbook. That's a nice even ditched passing, I like to think. So we now arrive back at our tents.
Starting point is 00:48:56 To retire. Eli is leaving tomorrow. Eli is going where? London. Good. And be back on Sunday With a fucking sheet Won't you? Yes
Starting point is 00:49:08 Yeah Yes Or don't come back at all Alright That's understood It is understood So This is Paul Gannon
Starting point is 00:49:18 Signing off for Cheap Show Latitude Special 2015 Day 2 Do you have any final thoughts Eli? No Thanks Paul What theul i just thought
Starting point is 00:49:28 you don't want to sign off right this is eli also signing off uh i'll try and do better everyone okay comedy bag is empty all right let's get this to bed opening my zipper. I'm giving all the audience everything they need. Giving the audience everything they need. I'd say it's a bit too difficult. Bye. Ooh, so, yes. For all the listeners out there, that's how we like to roll.
Starting point is 00:50:03 That's some hard-hitting journalism right there. I like to think that when people go to festivals, they have horror stories in their mind about the toilet situation. And we, you know, basically, you know, ousted those rumours. We cleared out the fakery and added the fact. Yeah, the toilets weren't that bad. No, they weren't that bad. And as a later note i did pass poo
Starting point is 00:50:25 later on uh in the litter arena toilet tent and it was textbook so um yeah well i'm happy for you um yeah so basically the most of the footage that we have uh managed to get from this year's Latitude is on the Friday where we did bugger all. Yes. We ate some stuff, grumbled, and then went to bed. Yeah. It's grumbling euphemism for having a poo. You didn't grumble the whole of Friday. No, I didn't.
Starting point is 00:51:01 I was pretty much bound up until late on Saturday when I managed to relinquish my cargo. Anyway, the point being is that, yes, we could have done better. What's interesting now is I did a report while you were away
Starting point is 00:51:20 because when you soddled off to bloody London with your thing. For for instance by the way listener if you are interested to know the outcome to the uh sheet situation that we will reveal the outcome to that before the end of the show no spoilers right now okay good but uh you pissed off to london early in the morning how was your saturday morning leave Was it painful? No, it was pretty cool. I'd just left my tent there because I knew I was coming back. Got in the car with Mark.
Starting point is 00:51:50 Had a nice relaxing drive. Aww. So in answer to you, Paul, yes. I do not regret leaving you there at Latitude and going to London to return on the Sunday. In every way, it was the right decision. And you were trying to persuade me. No, and Mark and Gavin, we all said you should stay at the festival and have fun times.
Starting point is 00:52:13 Get more eaten, bitten, get more horse-fired, maybe on my bollocks or something. There's no fly of any state that would go anywhere near your fusty, musty old bollock sack. It ain't happening.
Starting point is 00:52:27 Is this Eli's genital simile hour? It's one simile about your little crow's beak. Oh, well, at least my crow's beak doesn't look like it's got rabies. Oh. Your foaming, dirty cock end. Oh, God. See, it is Eli's simile cock end Oh god see it is Eli Simile Cock end hour Yeah that's the next podcast I'm trying to produce
Starting point is 00:52:50 So Yes I'm glad I did it I got a nice sleep in a bed Took a poo any time I wanted Good can we move away from the poo humour now I think we've you know This and the Nazi stuff really isn't the stuff we should be reaching for As comedy professionals
Starting point is 00:53:03 And then returned refreshed. Yes, it did. But would you like to know what happened while you were away? Oh, yes. Then let's find out in the next clip. It's Saturday, day three. I am now alone. Eli left this morning with Mark Allen.
Starting point is 00:53:22 Head back to London to do a gig until three in the morning and then head back here the next day. Oh, well, Sunday. So what have I done today? Not much. I went to... I did nothing. I've done nothing.
Starting point is 00:53:42 It's hot and I'm wearing jeans because I'm an idiot. So yeah, Eli's tent is next to mine now. Empty. A lot of people are obviously happy that he's gone. But Eli's tent lies barren next to me. Reminds me of something like a haunted house. No one speaks of it,
Starting point is 00:54:05 no one stares, goes in, no one's afraid to stay the night there, just a creepy little, crazy little gravestone, and I believe the ghost will return Sunday, so what else have I done today, I have ventured into the shopping area you have to leave your camping area go through to the main performance arena where all the different tents and shops and things are and then you have to go to the area where there's all shopping where the main camp area is
Starting point is 00:54:38 and there's all kinds of shops there but they have a supermarket which is open 24 hours so I decided to go in along and get some props and surprises for the show on Sunday which I did and that was very easy I popped into the shop got my stuff left and then I went to head back to the main arena and then I remembered the floor in my plan don't go with anything in your bag that you've just bought from the supermarket because you're not allowed to take any drinks or food into the main arena because there are people there selling stuff for an extortionate price that they're making you buy as a result.
Starting point is 00:55:10 So a lot of people end up getting frustrated because they've just bought these candies and tins of pops and tins of booze and they can't take it into the performers area. And I found this out. So the guy would go for my bag and he goes, well, you can't take that through and that through. And I was like, well, listen, all I'm doing is going back to the performers camping area. And that is literally straight through, straight into the campsite.
Starting point is 00:55:33 And the guy was like, oh, I'm going to have to check with my supervisor or whatever. And she came over. And then she found this, the thing I'm talking into, the voice recorder. She was like, no, no, no, no, no. Do you have a permit? Permit for recording at the festival. Well, I'm not recording at the festival. She goes, well, no, no, no. Do you have a permit? Permit for recording at the festival? Well, I'm not recording at the festival. She goes, well, I don't know that. And I know. And I said, I know you know that. So I told her what was there. She's going to use it for a podcast
Starting point is 00:55:54 and this and the other. Personal viewings, not here to record the music, just to record my opinions. She's having none of it. And she goes, well, I think the best way now is if you just want to go back to your campsite, go the long way around, ask someone to take you a buggy to go from gate F to gate B, or whatever it was, and then the next few moments turn into like a Zelda game, where you're not allowed to go through the main gate, so you've got to go the back way around, which I did, I spoke to two people sitting at a gate, and they obviously don't know the area, considering they're working for it, and point me in the wrong direction and then i met a guy who basically gave me a cheat code he went well you could you could get the uh shuttle around but you might have to wait of age and
Starting point is 00:56:34 you might you know you're waiting some time but he said here's the thing if you go around to that corner over there where the white tent is pointed to a white tent and says and you just go through that entrance back into the main area that way, the guy on the gate there does not give a fuck, and will let you through, so I went there, showed my arm badge, didn't expect the bag, and I was in, into the arena, and back to my tent, where I've decided to drink some Pepsi, and have a chocolate bar, the Pepsi was £1.20 from the tin. And the Mars, well, it's a double-decker. My personal choice, which is, it was two for £1, which is actually the best deal I've had here.
Starting point is 00:57:13 Two for anything for a pound is good. So I'm just going to enjoy that for a bit, maybe have a bit of a nap. It's still fucking hot here. Still hot. I prefer to sit just outside and get the breeze, what there is of it, when it comes. So that's it for now. Day three report won over with. Hopefully bump into some people later
Starting point is 00:57:30 and see what happens. So, signing off. It's just before midnight on Saturday, day three of the Latitude Festival. I'm in my tent. Met up with some university friends tonight who happened to be there. That was very nice. Sat and watched Keith Allen.
Starting point is 00:57:54 Well, not Keith Allen. Keith Allen's evening of events in his alcove. Interesting act. Who, to be honest, I thought was Keith Allen putting on an accent. Until it turned out it wasn't him. Just goes to show how much I know. What else happened? So I was in the woods, up in the woods having a quiet cigarette and three gentlemen came in and started talking behind me. I wasn't paying much notice until one of them said, ooh John's got his willy out. Now, I wasn't going to turn around at this point,
Starting point is 00:58:25 but I was judging by their voices in close proximity to wherever the penis action was. And to cut a very long story short, they all apparently got their penises out and began thwacking against each other's thighs. Well, not each other's thighs, their own thighs, I guess. So I'm sitting there having a cigarette and probably not too many feet away from my head were a couple of thwacking penises. I think what capped
Starting point is 00:58:57 it all off, though, in my cue to move was when two kids ran out of the bushes not too far away ran into the scene to see what could only have been me a man facing away from the sound of three men thwacking their penises and one of them just said this sucks and ran away and I left not too far after
Starting point is 00:59:19 saw Portishead that was nice and that's been my report so far Bit of a quiet day Tomorrow's the big day Geekatorium at the Literary Arena 10.30 till midnight I think It's going to be a full on show extravaganza
Starting point is 00:59:36 So I'm going to have an early night tonight Maybe a few sips of my JD and Coke And a spliff or two And then Betty Bowes by time for me and that concludes my evening of events so yes that's what happened to me I got pushed around by a person at the gate who wouldn't let me through with my bag because it was full of apparently cocaine and crack so what the gate between the main festival
Starting point is 01:00:06 and the performers' camping? Yeah, you know, like, there's the main arena where all the theatre spaces are and the arenas and stuff like that, but on each side, almost opposite, you've got the main campus area where there's shopping and there's stalls, and then the other far end,
Starting point is 01:00:20 you've got the entrance to where the performers stay, right? Yeah. But you're not allowed to take anything from the main camp stroke shopping area back into the main arena because that's where they sell their own food and drink. So you're not allowed to take food and drink into it. However, if you're a performer and you go to the shop,
Starting point is 01:00:37 you can't take what you've bought through the main arena back to your area. You've got to go all the way round. Oh, the injustice of it all well this is the thing in the end a guy just said go to that guy over there he doesn't give a fuck he'll let you through and that's what happened oh really yeah pretty much so i got the last laugh and the first because also i had my recorder with me and they were like oh you're gonna illegally record the music music and all that kind of stuff. And I was like, no, I'm recording it for a podcast. And seriously, one person said, what's a podcast?
Starting point is 01:01:13 Well, some people don't know, Paul. Some people. So that was that. It was weird having your spooky little tent next to me like a gravestone. You not being there, just haunting the area. And then the men in the woods thwacking their penises. Yeah, that's particularly disturbing. It was, because I literally could feel the wisp of air
Starting point is 01:01:34 from the displacement of their penis. Rather, I'll rephrase that, the displacement of air from the whispering penis. They could have been, I don't know how close they were to me, but I could definitely feel a draft. You could feel a breeze coming off their cocks. Oh, more than you know. And it was deeply awkward
Starting point is 01:01:54 because I'm just sitting there having a lovely smoke and then all you can hear is... And then two more joined in for a cock chorus of dick thwacking, I guess you could call it. Thank God those 14-year-old boys helped break the ice. Yes. So that was my day until you returned the following day. Indeed I did.
Starting point is 01:02:21 Yeah. A better man. Well, no, as we're literally just about to find out. So let's find out what happened when you returned. You know, you went away, you did your little DJ set for your little pennies that you earned doing it for paying your tour with your little music. And then I asked you to bring a few props back with you,
Starting point is 01:02:42 you know, like a sheet and things for the show. And let's see what happened there. Shall we? Shall we? Yes, shall. Let's shall. Let's shall. All right.
Starting point is 01:02:51 Good. Sunday evening, 9.30. The show is ahead of us in an hour and 15 minutes time. We're backstage at the Littery Arena. And I'm with Eli, who turned up with, guess what, everybody? No sheet. No bed sheet, no towel, no nothing. He didn't turn up with the one thing I was going to ask him to do.
Starting point is 01:03:14 And yet he still showed his dirty face. Apologise. I'm sorry, Paul, and anyone else that I've affected by my actions. I'm very remiss. It was remiss of me to forget the sheets and I don't know what happened and I'll be resigning. No wonder Matt Crossey didn't want you for Humble Quest. No wonder.
Starting point is 01:03:34 Don't put that out. Edit point. Tell me about your hot sausage you had today. Well, Paul, I thought I'll have a bit of a treat. I've been eyeing up this Texas Smoker BBQ stall since I arrived on Thursday. And I thought that looks quality. You know, the serving staff all wear cowboy hats.
Starting point is 01:04:00 That says authentic BBQ. Says that to me. And their big smoker behind them has got handles in the shape of steers' heads. Like a Desperate Dan kind of cow pie thing. Exactly like that, yeah. So I thought that, again, is pointing towards this being some kind of good barbecue. So I had the sausage. Of course you did.
Starting point is 01:04:20 And it said smoked sausage. So I thought, oh, it's going to be some kind of lovely smoked sausage. Like something with a bit of a, you know, when the skin breaks and then there's some, like, you know, some real, some juice in there. It was your bog standard, bready sort of calf, like a sausage they'd sell you in Tottenham Court Road tube stop outside in the middle of the night where they just burn onions and everyone goes, oh, I can smell onions.
Starting point is 01:04:53 Why does that, you know, anyway. Disappointing. Very, very disappointing. How much? Fiver. So not a huge rip-off, but still extremely expensive, really. So out of 10, what are you going to give the hot, smoky barbecue sausage? Four.
Starting point is 01:05:11 Four seems about right. Well, how are you feeling about the forthcoming show? I'm very excited. I'm going to do my best, and I'm going to start drinking about ten minutes in. Oh, lordy flip. Ten minutes in? Yeah. What's wrong with that?
Starting point is 01:05:28 Just give it 20. Oh, I'll give it 20 for you. How long does it take to metabolise alcohol? About one hour per unit. So you won't be drunk until theoretically after the show? Oh, no, I can get drunk quicker than that. Don't be proud of that, though. I'm not proud of it.
Starting point is 01:05:44 It's a disease. And on that delightful bombshell, we're going to stop and come back, potentially just before the show or just after. Let's see what happens. Goodbye. That's what. So, yeah, you forgot the fucking sheet.
Starting point is 01:06:03 How many fucking times did I have to say to you, if there's nothing else that you do, bring the sheet? Yeah, it was a mistake. It was an honest mistake. I made a mistake. You didn't make a mistake, mate. You were just, as usual, incompetent. And you know what? I'm docking you pay.
Starting point is 01:06:20 No, listen. I'm docking you pay. No. If you came to work on a building site and you didn't have your helmet, you wouldn't get to work that day. They'd send you home, right? I'm docking your pay. The sheet was not in any way essential. I think you'll find it was.
Starting point is 01:06:36 We had to use a great big piece of white paper, which didn't really have the same effect for me. It didn't float in the breeze like i wanted it to during the necessary moments and frankly i felt my performance was hindered by it because you you couldn't simply go straight home and do the first thing was simply put it straight into your bag and forget about it you could have done that but you didn't you're just bitter because you didn't have the requisite ability and talent as a physical performer oh i made it work. I made that work. But, mate, you handcuffed me. You handcuffed me to what I had to use.
Starting point is 01:07:11 A bad sportsman blames his tools. Workman. Yeah? Well, you're a massive fucking tool and I'm blaming you, all right? You cock. You're a massive dick cock. That's what you are. The show was good.
Starting point is 01:07:22 The show, luckily, was good. Now, I don't think we go into too much detail in the next clip, but we had to start late, and the show was already the last thing on that night on a Sunday. So we weren't as packed as, you know, other shows there. But I think we put on a really good show. Yeah, it was okay, wasn't it? Yeah, Sarah Bonetto was there, and the story beast was there,
Starting point is 01:07:43 having lots of fun. i thought all the sections worked we had a alex edelman do a guest spot and uh he was amusing and fair play to him he worked his stand-up to make it sound like it was appropriate for the show on a geek way so i appreciated that diplomatic that's a very diplomatic way of putting it but at least he made an effort to turn up and stuff like that, you know. That's good. Yeah, you know, because some people, I don't know, don't bother forgetting sheets and shit like that, you know. They just think they can rock up and think
Starting point is 01:08:12 I read our show hood but I don't give a fuck but I get mine. Oh, God. Oh, God. So, yeah, the show was well received. The Starbomb video was a lot of laughs and, contrary to popular opinion i got a couple of hundred people to sing rupert and the frog song and let off party poppers
Starting point is 01:08:30 at the end that my friend is i end the show that was a mistake it was not a mistake everyone was enjoying it people were waving their phones in the end in a wavy way because you obviously can't use lighters at the tent so you know that's a thing waving their phones just because you obviously can't use lighters at the tent. So, you know, that's a thing. Waving their phones. Just because you're dead inside, because you're bitter and miserable and you haven't accomplished what you thought you would in life by this point, and so everything that you do is inwardly quite negative. By all means, you know, push that out onto the public
Starting point is 01:08:58 who are enjoying the cheese factor. Okay, Paul, just say what you think. I am. And you know what? Maybe it would have gone easy on you if you hadn't, you know, let's say it together, hadn't forgotten the sheet. Can you say that with me? Yes. Hadn't forgotten
Starting point is 01:09:15 the sheet. You're a cunt. That's what you are. Oh, right. You're a cross between a Tasmanian devil and a suicide note. That's what you are. You're a crossbreed of woe. You're a cross between a Tasmanian devil and a suicide note. That's what you are. You're a crossbreed of woe. You're a crusty nut. You're a shite chimera.
Starting point is 01:09:36 Yeah, all right. Yeah, so I'll get off my chest. I'm just annoyed. You annoyed me. So I'm sorry. I'd just like to say sorry, Paul, for making you feel lonely by going back and earning money at a bloody latitude. That's fine. That's fine. Leave me alone.
Starting point is 01:09:50 I got by. I met up with some friends. That was all great. You didn't turn up with a sheet. You didn't turn up with a sheet. That's the thing. That's the thing. That's the thing, all right? One responsibility. I booked the show. I cast the show. I made it happen. All the PowerPoints. Brought all the props. I asked the show, I cast the show, I made it happen, all the PowerPoints, brought all the props, I asked you to bring one fucking thing, something you could fold up flat and put into your bag and not have to worry
Starting point is 01:10:12 about it and you couldn't do it because you are a twat. Okay Paul, yeah sorry about the sheet. I'm docking your pay. Let's play the final clip. knocking your pay. Let's play the final clip. The Geekatorium has performed its first and hopefully not last Geekatorium. Start again. Alright. Learn how to speak. Think about what you're going to say. Just plan it all out without a word ahead. Fuck's sake. Eli is not being a part of Geekatorium anymore.
Starting point is 01:10:45 Anymore. Oh, I thought that through. Every single fucking word, I thought that through. Hey, you fuck. So anyway.
Starting point is 01:10:53 That's why when you did it on stage, when you were like, so Eli, you like to collect vinyl, don't you? And I went, yes. And you went,
Starting point is 01:11:01 what? Come on. But you could have said, you could have said something to the effect of yes paul i do i like vinyl i've been collecting since i was blah blah blah but you're just like uh i'm gonna be a cunt i'm gonna block you like a cunt and then make a point of that and then make it turn it around to your cunt yeah so we did the geekatorium show at latitude we started late because of various problems with time shifts and audiences
Starting point is 01:11:27 and the show being running over. But we got on there. We banged it out. We did an hour and 25 minutes of hot shit. We played games. People won Haribo. Sketches were played. We ended with Rupert and the Frog song.
Starting point is 01:11:42 Everyone was singing along. Party poppers went off. Done. Good show. Hello. This is the Latitude Report final version. Come on, I'll be final.
Starting point is 01:11:57 For this year at least. Over and out. Think of every word you fucking say. Think of every word. Er, er, er, er. Think of every word you fucking say. Think of every word. Think of every fucking word. What a cock. At least every sentence I say actually is a good sentence. Apart from that one.
Starting point is 01:12:17 No, it meant sense. Meant sense. You're such a cock boggle. Don't break the oven. No, I fixed it. Don't break the heater. Heater, oven. Think about what you say, Eli. Think about what you say. What you say. Think about what you say. All right? Quanker. So we're just, you know, we're chilling out. There's so much booze left over from all the different shows that we have effectively done a bank heist on booze here. We've been like,
Starting point is 01:12:47 having it, having it, having it, having it. We had great guests. I'm feeling kind of high. Feeling kind of good. Feeling kind of high and kind of good. Yeah. You better save me some of that, you wank. Yeah, you fucking wank.
Starting point is 01:13:04 So, yeah, I'm feeling in a good mood. And hopefully, based on tonight, I think they'd have us back, wouldn't they? We got on well with everyone here. And the audience liked it. And the acts liked it. There's no telling. But I think we should, yeah, I'd like to. Follow up with an email.
Starting point is 01:13:21 Yeah. Do that, yeah. Yeah. Dear Festival, we'd like to come back, send Paul G Yeah. Do that, yeah. Yeah. Dear Festival, we'd like to come back, send Paul Gannon. That'll get through. I was going to burp,
Starting point is 01:13:31 but I didn't. Anyway, this is all thrilling material for the podcast. I did it! Yay! I'm going to call that a win. So there we go. That's all our clips done It kind of degenerates
Starting point is 01:13:48 Towards the end of the report I think it was already in a slightly Corpse like state at the beginning And became a rotting flesh zombie If you could pause there for a second I just want to check if you wanted to completely Deconstruct my character and have a mad Like you know
Starting point is 01:14:03 Disproportionate go at me again before we stop the recording i think what you need to know eli at this point is that um the reason why i said all this stuff is so it goes out as a podcast and people get to listen and kind of get to know the real you oh get to know the real you oh brilliant the kind of upsidedown bog brush with a faggot of drink hanging out of its mouth. Oh, oh. Oh, really? Well, at least I'm not an actual bog brush. Oh, bog brush.
Starting point is 01:14:31 Is that what we've got become? Bog brush. That's it. Listener, me and Eli actually respect and love each other and work well as a team. This is all character. You look like a TV presenter from... Jackabow. Jackabow.
Starting point is 01:14:44 Touch kids. That's it go and say it chechnya oh all right i'll give you that it's a spin yeah yeah so um obviously you know anyway podcast listener obviously these are just characters we play because of course in real life eli couldn't be that fucking feckless and idiotic and pathetic in real life. Not at all. It's a character. Isn't that right, Eli? So, Paul, do we have any shows coming up where people can see this glorious, glittering repartee?
Starting point is 01:15:15 Yes, we do. Cheap Show is coming back live to London from September. If you want details on when our next shows are coming up, we have three in September, one at the beginning and two at the end to look forward to. No exact dates right now, but we are going to be taking two shows in London and one to the Liverpool Comedy Festival in September. For all the details, go to www.thecheapshow.co.uk. And we have a Twitter thecheapshow.co.uk and we have a Twitter at thecheapshowpod
Starting point is 01:15:45 which you can follow us on. So, yes, we have an official SoundCloud account now, Cheap Show. We're on iTunes. We're on Stitcher. We're a completely independent beast. That's good, isn't it?
Starting point is 01:15:55 That's very good. Thanks, everybody. So, basically, yeah, if you enjoyed the podcast, we'd like you to share with us. Hopefully, you've enjoyed this podcast and our seven previous podcasts and if you do please like review uh subscribe and share we're on itunes we're on stitcher uh we're going to be doing two episodes a month one live one pre-record
Starting point is 01:16:17 and uh we'd like you to spread the word if possible um we've got some great guests in the past we've got some great guests coming up. And Ash will be joining us for the live shows as well. Oh, for fuck's sake. Right. Just the way you do admin is so tedious, man. Oh, that's because some of us have responsibility. You know, I can't ask you to do admin because you'd probably forget something, wouldn't you?
Starting point is 01:16:43 I could have said that. Go on, then you say it, then. and if you enjoyed the cheap show podcast you can find us online just put cheap show into google and you'll find our podcast you won't though because there are other websites that call cheap show and there's a band called cheap show as well fucking do your research all right good so that was our latitude 2015 hopefully we'll do one next year we might even have a few more festivals to do next year as well so um this could be a regular thing cheap show at the festivals we should always do a festival uh special if we go to a festival yeah i believe as well we're going to be doing a very special cheap show at comic con in october fingers
Starting point is 01:17:21 crossed that's something to look forward to anyway the bottom line, go to www.thecheapshow.co.uk where there's videos and podcasts and articles and all kinds of stuff, and we recommend you do. So this is Paul Gannon saying goodbye, and Eli, do you have any final words? Sorry about the sheep, for fuck's sake. Goodbye.

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