CheapShow - Ep 9: Scrapbook of Crap (Bumper Edition)

Episode Date: August 28, 2015

With Guests Tom Parry, Nathaniel Metcalfe & Abigoliah Schamaun Another studio edition of CheapShow... With a twist! Paul and Eli delve into the charity shops, Poundlands and Bric-A-Brac stores to deliver another podcast full of top tips and lo brow humour. In this episode Paul and Eli try out a couple of knock-off Nutella chocolate spreads, discuss the Do's and Don't's of shopping in Charity Shops, discover how Eli made a girl cry over a Martini and find out what 80s icons Paul would be willing to work with! We also delve into the CheapShow vaults to find some awesome "never before heard" clips from the live show with some very special guest comedians. Nathaniel Metcalfe brings along a game that takes us from Planet of the Apes to the Beatles. Abigoliah Schamaun plays our charity shop based game "The Price of Shite" And Tom Parry endures the world's worst interview! So listen, enjoy, download, subscribe to "CheapShow" Follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow or @elisnoid @ashfrith Visit our lovely website for more podcasts www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, join us on Facebook - just look for "The CheapShow"! If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, share, comment... all that jazz! Subscribe to us on Stitcher or iTunes and get fortnightly geeky fun WARNING *Show contains strong language and adult material

Hello ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cheap Show. This week, coming from Southampton, I'm Eli Silverman. Who else is here? It's me, Paul Gannon, and welcome to, yes, the Cheap Show podcast. Hooray! Yay! So, yeah, we are in Southampton. This is one of our pre-records. It's not live.

Our live shows are much more... They're much more... They're a bit more... They're a bit more... They're a bit more... Push it. Sorry. They're a bit more fizzy. Anyways, what we're trying to get in part to you.

And this is a bit more restrained, a bit more relaxed podcast experience. I'm feeling very Sunday. Are you? Yes. Good, because it's Sunday. Yes. Anyway, so what we thought we'd do is introduce each other. If you don't know who Eli and Paul Gannon are,

we're going to tell you via descriptive thought. So, Eli, you describe me to the audience. Once upon a time, ladies and gentlemen, they decided to genetically breed a mutant race of Milky Bar kids. And it was all going well, but there was one slight mutation that they hadn't accounted for, the Ganon gene. And imagine, if you will,

a renegade Milky Bar kid who won't take it anymore and breaks out of the compound. Yeah. Yeah, I'm feeling it. He's running. He's running down little country lanes. His feet are bleeding

and there's helicopters going overhead. And then he's like, Ganon! And then he went and worked for Muller Yoghurts. So is this so you can do that?

Ooh, Ganon. That's Ganon. You said to me before the show. You said to me before the show You said to me before the show I've got a really funny one I have yet to believe what you're saying is funny That's funny A renegade

Genetically mutated Clone Milky bar child That's I mean that's not too bad I had five minutes to think of it Yeah well What

Let me guess what your intro is going to be Something about me being Hairy A A tramp B Short C Let me guess what your intro is going to be. Something about me being hairy, A, a tramp, B, short, C. Did it involve any of those three things? You know what? Let me just do my bit. Okay.

And then we'll see, all right? Yeah. So this lazy, drunk, ugly fuck, Eli, right? He's basically a knuckle-dragging cretin who fucking lives off tabs and beer and freebies from his well-intentioned mates who fucking think he's going to pull through and sort his life out one day.

But guess what, ladies and gentlemen? I know the future, and the future is not orange. It's dark. Eli Silverman, the darkest black hole in the universe full of arseholes bleeding shit into the world and calling it progressive art. Eli Silverman, deluded. Deluded, ugly, hairy, drunk.

I'm on a roll. Yeah, you really are. Wow. Anyway, that's Eli. I love him. I do love him. Hello. So, yeah, how are you doing?

Yeah. Good. This is the first time you've been to Southampton, isn't it, in a while? It is. It is the first time in lovely Southampton. And, you know, it's kind of like I expected it to be. Depressing.

Pretty depressing, yeah. Look, I've lived here for a while. I like it. I've got a great job here. I'll be honest. I'm sick of seeing overweight women pregnant with tattoos all over their body. That's kind of the overall theme I seem to see. Yeah, and that's just at home.

Hey, yo! How about you, ladies and gentlemen? I will be playing that clip to my girlfriend for you to apologise for the rest of your life to. So there is some nice brutalist architecture, I noticed. I quite like a bit of that. Yeah, you do like a bit of brutalism, don't you? I do like a bit of brutalism. Saw some you? I do like a bit of brutalism.

Saw some of that and you know what it is with these towns? What, these port towns or? Well, just these kind of mid-sized British towns. Yeah. Is they, in the 60s or whatever,

they just built loads of roads in the middle of the town, didn't they? Oh, they just threw them all down. Just like these motorways. Bypasses and flyovers and God knows what else. And it just kind of ruins it,

doesn't it? There's no sort of cohesion. Where I grew up, there's a tiny army called Birkenhead and they literally spent the 70s putting overpasses everywhere.

Only to 20 years later have to pull them down because on every underpass or overpass or whatever, there is a rape or a murder or a drug deal going down. It's like making spaces that are good for crime.

Yeah. So, come to Southampton that are good for crime. Yeah. So, come to Southampton. A place for crime. And overweight pregnant hags. God, he's really, he's got a misogynistic edge, though, you'll complain about. No, look, there were plenty of skeevy gentlemen.

There was one guy who, there was one guy who I saw in a street corner and he came up to me and he went, what's your problem? And I was like, what? And he goes, just give us a quid. And I was so taken aback that I gave him a quid. Yeah.

I don't know if it was a modern approach. That's a good technique. Yeah. I don't think he was, you know, inverted commas, a tramp, because he had trainers on that were really expensive and nicely sewn jeans. See, you know, maybe I'm a bastard, but

for me, whenever anyone asks me for money on the street, I immediately check the shoes and think, A, how much are they? B, do I quite like them? And then you mug the trowel. No, if he's got

trainers I like, how can I then give him money? He's got things I want. Look, he's got possessions I want. More and more like a Conservative Party politics broadcast. No. No. It's just that.

There was a report done, I think, recently as well, that said, God, this does sound like a party political broadcast for the Tories. No, but most of the beggars you see on the street aren't destitute. No. And they're asking for money just because they have a drink or drugs thing

and they go home to their flats or whatever. Yeah. Well, they're professional beggars. Yeah. And now I'm just too paranoid to give anyone money, like my girlfriend, family. It's like everyone might be out to get money out of me. Yeah, you know, sometimes if I'm feeling flush, I will.

It's not like a matter of principle to me, but a lot of the time I don't feel like I have anything to spare. My rule of thumb is if they make me cry and I feel for them, I might give them money. I might. See, what that guy was using was like an aggressive begging technique. It was very effective. What's your problem?

What's your problem? Nothing, what? What? Just give us a quiz. And I was so confused, like, this sounds like a really good trade-off. I will give you a quid. Just to stop you from having a problem. Yeah.

But anyway, welcome to Cheap Show. It's the economy comedy podcast that tries to make light of austere times by celebrating the best in the cheap world around us. I think that's about right, isn't it? Yeah, and it's sort of, it is cheap. Yeah, and as I say, it's not our live show. And I'm cheap. You are is cheap. Yeah, and as I say, it's not our live show. And I'm cheap. You are aggressively cheap.

You're like one of those cheap tattoos you get in a gumball machine. A passing fancy. Ooh. That doesn't last that long, but looks good on your arm for a week. Oh, God. Sounds like my love life. Aw. Shall we move on?

Yeah. So yeah, what we're going to do today is because we don't do a live show where we have games and audience participation and Ash Frith, who, you know, he's our third member. Mr. Frith. When he can be fucking bothered. Okay. Mr. Hyam. I will do warm ups for TV shows. He's just started doing that.

Yeah, I know. Well, that's lucrative and good. Yeah. That's exactly the kind of comic he can do. I'm ripping into him. Give me a minute. All right.

I'm on XFM now. Josh Whittakin, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, fucking whatever. We don't need you, Ash. We don't. We don't. We do.

Please, we do. We need you. We need your coattails. Anyway, what are you going to say? Yeah, he seemed quite literally starstruck by Widdicombe. Anne. Or Josh.

Josh. Probably, you know. He's big on the stand-up circuit. Very big, yeah. And he's a big fan of Shane Ritchie. Shane Ritchie's gotten him some work, allegedly. Oh, not allegedly. He said so.

Shane Ritchie. See, he's got Shane Ritchie. Do you know who Paul Gallen's got? Who you got? Pat Sharp. Thank you. I win. I'm stepping down.

I've got Pat Sharp. You are owning the 80s retro. Mate, I met Timmy Mallet last week. Did you really? No, I could have done. What, you decided not to? Yeah, he was doing a yacht party kind of thing. And if it wasn't for the fact that I have a dignity,

I would have probably gone to it and played Mallet's Mallet. You need to meet Mallet for this show. You need to take those opportunities, Paul. What, for anecdotes? Yes. It's like, oh, I met Timmy Mallet and he bummed me. I told you about when my sister saw Pat Sharp. No.

Years and years ago when he still was more... Mullity. Well known and mullity, yeah. She saw him in the street in London, screamed... And basically made a lunge for his hair. So, yeah. Did she get any of his golden mane? Yeah, he was scared.

Did she pull a chunk? If I mention it to him next week, is he going to suddenly go... Can't do the show. I can't do the show. I've got to have a lowdown. No, I don't know. I don't know if she actually got any, but she definitely went for it.

If you could be any awful, not awful, if you could be any 80s celebrity from your childhood, like a Pat Sharp or a Timmy Mallard, who would you like to meet? I would like to meet Lionel Blair. Lionel Blair.

Oh, he's hilarious. Mr. Give us a tune. Yeah. For American listeners, Lion. Oh, he's hilarious. Mr. Give us a tune. For American listeners, Lionel Blair is Give us a clue. Lionel Blair was a kind of singer-song dance man. He was a song and dance man. And then he got his break on TV and he did a lot of cheesy shows like Give us a clue. Give us a clue, which was

charades. Charades, basically, made into a TV show and name that tune. He did name that tune as well. Give us a clue. He's hilarious. He's so committed. If you go back and watch those things, it is like, he's just ridiculous.

Well, the reason why, the thing is, in Britain as well, Lionel Richie, Lionel Richie, no, Lionel Blair, has got this kind of comedy reputation now because there's a radio show called I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue. They always take the piss out of Lionel. Yes.

By making it out, he might be homosexual. Right? And so there was one thing that was like, oh, he was doing Give Us A Clue playing charades and the audience were amazed

as he managed to pull off two men in a boat in under 60 seconds. You know, it's that kind of innuendo. That's funny. But as a result, he's, yeah,

got quite the reputation on the comedy scene. Well, I met that. Who would you want to meet? I mean, you know, you're working with Pat Sharp. I work with Pat Sharp. I work with them all, mate. Pat Sharp.

Pat Sharp. That's it. Again, American listeners, because I know we have some, Pat Sharp is a kids' TV presenter at a show called Funhouse in the 80s. Part quiz show, part romper around a funhouse to win prizes. Big success. He had a golden mane of hair a massive mullet

he was a real mullet and now he's a dj celebritar well he works in radio still okay um and um yeah i don't know who i'd like to meet i met them all may anyone you'd like to meet salvo no Anyone you'd like to meet. Savile. No. Jesus Christ. I know, I know. I was such a fucking obvious go-to. I shouldn't have.

I apologise for that. I apologise for that. You should apologise. I'm sorry for that. I went to an obvious place and I would take it back. So, proper answer, Stuart Hall. No, no, sorry.

Proper answer, Rolf Harris. No, sorry. Sorry. Don't talk Dr. Fox. There's too many kids TV... Sorry, in the UK, if you presented a kids show in the 80s, chances are you fiddle with them. Yeah.

Apparently. There's a lot of it. Yeah, anyway, moving on. Okay. So let's get into the brass tacks of what this episode's about. So, cheap show. We talk about cheap things. We're going to actually do a kind of clip show today.

Ooh. Which is usually what happens when shows run out of ideas 100 episodes into their run. This is episode nine. It's cheap. It sticks with the cheapness. Good point. We're so cheap, we can't create any new content. No.

Well, we've got live shows coming up, but not until September. So we're filling the gap with content. It's a nice little stopgap. So what we're going to do is we're going to basically go for a few of our features. We're going to do a Tales from the Dance Floor, which is one of Eli's signature pieces. Explain what Tales from the Dance Floor is.

Tales from the Dance Floor is where I regale you with anecdotes and funny little moments from my life as a club DJ. Boom. And then we've got Cheap Eats. Cheap Eats is our section of the live show where we try out knock-off alternative cheapo versions of well-known food brands,

and we see if they stack up or if they make us hack up. Is that going to work as a catchphrase going forward? Do they stack up or do they hack up? No, because hacking up is what you do when you cough. It's not when you vomit. Right. Do they hack up or do they hack up? No, because hacking up is what you do when you cough. It's not when you vomit. Right. Do they hack up or do they... No, it's just not going to work.

Do they make you feel yummed up or do they make you yov up? Sorry. Do they make you... Are they of disrepute or do they make you puke? No, this is not going to work. It's not going to work. I need to work on my catchphrases, Eli. You certainly do.

Anyway, we're doing cheap eats later. And then we are going to introduce a bunch of clips from the past. I know it's... We'll get into that later. I think we should just get into that. Let's just move on now, Paul. You don't have to explain that. All right, then.

In that case, let's go on to our first segment. So we're moving on. This is the section of the show that Eli likes to call Tales from the Dance Floor, which is, as you mentioned, tales from your life as a DJ. So what have you got for us this week? I've got a little story. This happened to me a week ago.

Not only is this a little tale from the dance floor, it's also indicative of my absolute failure to have sex with a lady. Tales from the lonely pants. Yeah. Not that I was trying, but it's just like, basically what happened,

the upshot of this story is I made a girl cry. Oh, this is a, I'm going to get comfy. I made a girl cry. So I was DJing do you want to mention where? the Discount Suit Company

it's a lovely little cocktail bar near Liverpool Street Tube Station in that there London in that there London up there yeah and for some reason

this night you know you get different people down there every time you do it but it was very studenty okay it was a studenty night people in the younger the hipsterish crowd no more students professional no young young

professional students people in their early 20s twats you said it i did and uh they'd been a bit of trouble you know there's a bit rowdy and then it got to the end of the night and Tommy, the bartender, he put out an espresso martini. Nice. It was one of the last drinks they'd ordered. And I'll say this now, they're expensive, so it goes against the grain of our show, but I will say the cocktails at the discount soup company,

très magnifique. Yeah. I like them. Oh, I like them. Especially an espresso martini and he had one of those so he puts one out great

anyway so he puts one out and they're like there's this small group of these young people and they're like

oh no no we ordered two we ordered two espresso martinis we ordered two and he's like no you didn't you know yeah

he doesn't he doesn't he doesn't mess around he knows what the order was's like no you didn't you know he doesn't he doesn't take kindly he doesn't mess around he knows what the order was you know no you don't no you didn't

no shenanigans yeah that's what you ordered right and the bar manager Matt comes over and because he's a good

bar manager he's like Tommy just just make him another one it's fine you know let's just quell this let's quell this

by being nice being a good host. He's a good bar manager, yeah? Yeah. And they sort of went, oh, no, actually, did we? Didn't we order one? Didn't we? So they started to have second thoughts about this second thought. And they kind of backed out.

Right. And all I said, right, in a jovial, maybe slightly refreshed way. Were you drunk before we go any further? I'd had some drinks. There's a difference, you know. Right, go on. I had had some drinks, but all I said is, trying to be funny or just nice or just interact on a human level,

I sort of went, ah-ha-ha, if you'd lied, you would have had another espresso martini. If you'd lied, you would have had another espresso martini. As if to say, you know... You could have got a free drink then. Yeah, yeah.

Don't be so honest. Ha, ha, ha, ha. If you'd lied, you could have got a free drink. Yeah. Ha, ha, ha, ha. You know,

because didn't you hear the guy's, you know, bar manager was saying, yeah, make them it. Except, obviously, it came out as, ha, ha, ha, ha. Are you going to

fucking drink? Ah. No, it didn't. That's how it came out. No, it didn't. So I said that. Yeah. And I thought, uh-huh. Yes. Ha ha ha ha. I am Oscar Wilde of pissed up DJs. I'm the absolute Oscar Wilde of drunken record spinners. And then I went and I went it's a basement place so I went up and outside to have a cigarette at the end of the night and this girl

who had been in that party I'd said you should have lied to get the number of espresso martini came out and I was like oh yeah

you should have lied to get the number of espresso martini then she sort of went yeah and you sort of took advantage of the fact

that you work here and you took the piss. And the tears start coming to my eyes. And I'm like, no, hang on, what? That's a leap. To be honest, when you said you made a girl cry, I thought you said because you told her to fuck off or something. No, no, no.

No. No, I know. I'd literally, in a lighthearted manner, suggested that if she'd lied, she could have had another drink. Right, but she, A, wasn't bollocked for the thing. They didn't get shouted at. They didn't get turfed out. No, I saw. Other than a bit of a misunderstanding, and I just give had another drink. Right, but she, A, wasn't bollocked for the thing. They didn't get shouted at, they didn't get turfed out. Not at all.

Other than a bit of a misunderstanding and they just give her a drink. It was a bit of a misunderstanding, that was it. And that all of a sudden, she's like... And then she started crying and then...

So I was like, what? And she's like, you took advantage of your privilege as being a member of staff here to mock me. And I was like, no, no.

I mean, you did. Sort of. You did. But she didn't need to react that way. And literally tears started coming down. And I'm like, I mean, come on. Wow. And so I was like, listen, if I've upset you, I'm sorry.

I don't mind. I'll apologise. And as soon as I said I'm sorry, she started going, look in my eyes. Look in my eyes and said i'm sorry she started going look in my eyes look in my eyes and say it like you mean it look in my eyes look in my eyes and say it like you mean it and i'm like like a like a nazi officer yeah basically she got really mine eyes yeah she got really hardcore because i'd sort of because i'd sort of said well look, look, I'm sorry. You know, weird. Yeah. But then she, no, mean it! Look in my eyes. Look in my eyes.

Mean it. And then her friend comes over, this guy comes over and he's kind of being a bit protective. I'm like, listen, look, this is not an incident. Don't hit me! This is not an incident. And I sort of go, oh, you know, is this your boyfriend? She's like, no, friend. I'm like, am I going to be able

to say anything that is... That doesn't offend you. So I just went, I'm just too old for this shit, you know. And you punched her. No, I walked away. And that's my... Tales from the dance floor. It's all right, that one.

I just thought I'd get that, you know. So instead of like getting someone's number, perhaps to go on a date, I just made some girl cry. Do you think, though, that was one of those moments So instead of getting someone's number, perhaps to go on a date, I just made some girl cry. Do you think that was one of those moments where she goes, look into my eyes, and you were like, I'm sorry. I love you.

And then you kiss. No. And then she says, you took advantage of your privileges. Yeah, exactly. And then it's all, no, no, no. I wasn't going there. I was not going to go there. No, you're a gentleman. I am. And it was just, anyway. So there was not going to go there. No, you're a gentleman. I am.

And it was just, anyway. So there was no repercussions of that. There was no glitters later on. No, I think she had just had one too many. And had a bit of a bad day, maybe, or was tired. A bit emotional. Tired. You know, I don't want to.

No, you don't want to piss on her day any more than you would. I didn't want to piss on her day. Exactly. Did you get that? So who had that second drink then? No one. They didn't go for it. That was the whole point

Oh so Did anyone have that First drink Yeah they had that It was alright It worked out then Yeah Good story

Okay thanks Cool I liked it I'm going to rate that Out of ten And I'm going to give it A seven Thank you

Yeah Oh you know what Oh god There's an addendum Last night No it's not an addendum But last night Someone said And you were DJing At the time This not an addendum, but last night, someone said...

And you were DJing at the time last night. This was Blues Kitchen Shoreditch last night. And she goes, it's my friend's birthday. It's always someone's birthday. It's always their birthday. Odds are good. It's always a birthday. It's always a birthday.

Look into my eyes, it's my birthday. Look into my eyes and say happy birthday like a lingit. Happy birthday. And she goes, and my friend wants to do the Macarena. Put the Macarena on. I'm like, are you? And then she went, are you too cool? Are you too cool to play the Macarena?

I'm like, yes. I'm way too cool to play the Macarena. I admit it. That's a fiable offence in your job. If you put that on, out. Do you know what I mean? Out. I would literally get in trouble.

Yeah. And they just seem to think... They seem to think it's their nan's 50th birthday party and they could ask the DJ to put all their shit on. Why? You know, if this was the type of place that played Saturday Night by Wigfield in the Macarena, then you wouldn't be here.

No, no. Yeah. Did you punch her? No. Oh. I don't punch anyone, Paul. All, no. Yeah. Did you punch her? No. Oh. I don't punch anyone, Paul. Alright, just wondering. Future reference.

Good. I'm going to give that four. Okay, thank you. So if you come to our live show, we do a few games during the show. We do The Price of Shite. The Price of Shite is a game where we buy things from a charity shop and you have to guess the price and it's a lot of fun. And then we also do a game we call Cheap Eats. It's not a game really we buy things from a charity shop and you have to guess the price and it's a lot of fun. And then we also do a game we call Cheap Eats.

It's not a game, really, but it's an interactive... It's more of a taste test. It's more of an interactive taste test where the idea being is that we buy knock-off brands or unusual foodstuffs that you can get for the cheap and we see if they stack up in your mouth. We see if they... They do stack well. If they're crackers, you can stack a few in your mouth.

You can stack a few in your mouth. You can stack a few in your mouth. I need to come up with a better catchphrase for cheap eats. Cheap eats. It's just cheap food. Or not so cheap food. Is it good in your gob or off your knob? No. All right, we'll just move on from the...

Is it good in your gob or does it make you want to flob it out? We're going to have to work on this. We will. It's work in motion, everybody. It's work in motion. So we're going to do a cheap eat today. So what was it you bought last time, a while ago, for the show? I bought a product called Eurocreme.

And Eurocreme was what? It's a knock-off Nutella. But it had white bits in it, didn't it? Well, that was the gimmick. It had a white chocolate bit and a brown chocolate bit. And you could have one or the other, or you can mix them. See, at least they offer that that Nutella doesn't

they have that over Nutella what I do remember was it was vile it was quite sickly it was very sickly chemically sweet yes over sweet

we thought we'd follow that up because Nutella is a very popular brand it's extremely I love it yes well that makes you I'm going to fuck it up

anyway I do love Nutella a lot. Yeah. Do you? It's nice. It's nice on toast. It's very... It's just one of those flavours that,

when you're in the right mood, it's like crack. It's just... It hits that part of your brain. It's a combination of hazelnut and chocolate. Very smooth. You love sweet stuff, though, don't you? I'm cutting back on sweet stuff.

On sugar. Yeah. I'm much more of a salt and fat kind of guy. No fucking shit. In fact, that's how I'll describe you in the next show. Ladies and gentlemen, he's a salt and fat kind of guy. I just like that. In the world of flavour, savoury is my...

You're much more of a kind of unami kind of guy, aren't you? Umami, yes. Umami. Yes. And I'm much more of a kind of sweet, sugary, reasonably obnoxious tart human being. You love the sweet stuff. Yeah.

I like the umami stuff. You love the gristle. So what are we going to taste? Yeah, we're going off on a tangent. So I thought because Nutella is a popular brand, we see if there are any kind of brand alternatives that might fill the gap, like your road creme, but hopefully not as chemically.

Well, we've got a couple here. I've got a couple. Let me just get them from my magic bag. Get them from your magic bag. So we have two brands on offer today. So these are two sort of Nutella... They're chocolate spread in a tub. And they are definitely cheaper than Nutella.

How much does a jar of Nutella go for? Nutella tends to go, depending on the size, either £1.50 for the small glass one or about £2 or so for the big, chunky one. It's very much in demand, and there was like a shortage, wasn't there? There was one of these sort of scares. Yeah, I think last year there was a scare,

and people were like... Nutella ban. You can't have Nutella after six o'clock at night. You can only buy two jars at once or something. People pouring loads and loads into their trolleys. People were arming themselves and coming down. Did you hear when there was a cigarette shortage in Italy? It was recently?

No, this is like 90s, I think. People with shotguns and rifles were like laying siege to petrol stations. Like, give us all your drink. The cigarettes. Fags and tabs. Don't you want the money?

Cigarettes. Yeah, literally. I want to be cool. So I think there's a similar sort of strength of feeling in the Nutella eating community. So what I thought we'd do, though, is we'd try two different brands. What's the first one? The first one is called Coco Noir.

Coco Noir. Coco Noir. The Belgian chocolate spread, and it saysense dark chocolate hit So there's no nuts in this No It says on the side Coco Noir

I can't say it Coco Noir Is made from a dark Belgian chocolate For a deliciously decadent Rich and smooth flavour Sounds good Let's give it a go

This costs 99p And you get 350g worth of it. So about the size of a big Nutella. This is half the price. Yes. So I'm going to spread it on a biscuit for you. Now, it's cheap show. So this is a knock-off rich tea biscuit by Lions. And you know how you can tell if it's a

knock-off rich tea biscuit? The packet it comes in doesn't have the little pull tab that splits the top of the bag. That costs a lot, that. That puts a few more pence on the price of biscuits. If you have to stab the crisp biscuits with a knife. To get it open. You've bought a cheap packet of biscuits. Oh, yeah.

That's the rule of thumb. I actually love a rich tea. I love it as a biscuit. Now, I'm slightly worried. Because I've opened the lid. And do you know they have that protective seal so people can't put AIDS or something in it? There is none. Oh, no.

It's just torn. So it doesn't look like it was particularly protected. So there could be hepatitis. Why would someone put hepatitis in a jar? Why put any disease in any jar? People are crazy, Eli. They're crazy. I'm willing to taste it.

So I'm going to put a slab of this on this, and you're going to taste it. Okay. So Paul is delicately... It's quite thick. He's slavering. Do you want a little or a lot? A little, please.

He's spreading some of the Coco Noir onto a rich tea biscuit. We've gone for rich tea because... It's the neutral. It's more of a neutral. because it's more than neutral. So we can taste the spread and okay. You're going to take a bite. It's a nice, solid dark chocolate spread on a

biscuit. Look at that. He's having another one. What do you think? Yeah? It's good. Really? I'll try a bit then. Oh, what? You weren't going Yeah? It's good. Really? Yeah. I'll try a bit then.

Oh, what? You weren't going to? No, because it had hepatitis. It's, yeah, it's chocolatey. What more can you say? I'm going to have a try now. That's really nice. It's nice.

It's not as creamy or smooth In terms of the mouth feel As it could be It kind of breaks down Do you know what I'm saying? In fact the worst thing about it I would have said Well the biscuit Yeah

The biscuit's not very good at all No the biscuit was kind of You know when certain Rich Tea biscuits go off And they have that Slightly fake vanilla-y Flavor going on Yeah

It's got a kind of damp A dankness to the biscuit But yeah I'm just going to lick I'm just going to go for a pure... Good old lick. Coco Noir lick. Ladies, if you could see this, you'd be banging on his door.

It's nice, isn't it? Yeah. That's all right, that. That's a good alternative. So I bought that from a place called Mixology. No, I keep saying this, get it wrong. Biology. B-U-Y-ology.

Oh, yeah. See what I've done? Yeah, I see what you've done. I bought that and it was 99p. And I'm going to give... I mean, I'm not a huge fan of dark chocolate, yeah. See what I've done? Yeah, I see what you've done. I bought that and it was 99p. And I'm going to give... I mean, I'm not a huge fan of dark chocolate, but that was what I was given instead. I'd be happy with that.

I'd give it a 7, 8? Yeah. I'll go for 7. 7. All right, so Coco Noir... Gets a 7. Gets a 7. We'll put a picture up online on our website,

www.thecheapshow.co.uk. The one thing I would say is it's the mouthfeel. It doesn't, you know, it's not as silky. It's not as smooth. And silky. Not gritty, but... It just is, it's a bit watery almost. Do you know what I mean?

It breaks down. But it's not unpleasant. Not unpleasant, by any means. If you're on a budget and you can't afford the ridiculous Nutella prices... Go for Coco Noir. Go for Coco Noir. Now, we've got option two now. Okay.

Right. This is by a company called Thomas Best Foods. That sounds like horse shit already to me. Expertly prepared. What? In a machine. It's like in London where they have best kebab ever shop. It's like...

It's not. It's not the best kebab ever. It's four in the morning, I'm drunk, I'll eat anything kebab ever shop. It's like, no. It's not the best kebab ever. It's four in the morning, I'm drunk, I'll eat anything kebab shop. This could be donkey dick meat for all I know. Well, we just don't know. We don't know. Probably the best donkey dick kebab in the world. So this is a bit more like Nutella.

This is, it's called Nutiza. N-U-T-E-Z-A. Spreadable cream with hazelnuts. Okay. Is it any chocolate? Look, it's obviously brown. You can see in the glass jar it's brown, but it just says spreadable cream with hazelnuts.

That's horribly vague. I don't like this whole spreadable cream as well. Butter could be described as spreadable cream. Yeah, well, it should be spread. Call it a spread. But this was, again, 99p. Hazelnut spread. Can they not call that? They have to call it spreadable cream. Yeah, well, it should be spread. Call it a spread. But this was, again, 99p. Hazelnut spread. Can they not call that?

They have to call it spreadable cream. Maybe. This is weird. That's weird language. Spreadable cream. Ooh, eat some of my spreadable cream. Yeah, but Nutella might have copyright on the phrase chocolate hazelnut spread.

I bet it does. So they have to do verbal gymnastics. Nut-easer. I'm telling you, the Coco Noir. It looks like fascist chocolate spread when you call it Nut-ee-za. Because from a distance, it's got quite a kind of fascist look to it, you know? Do you know what I mean? It's like you can almost see

the Z as the Nazi Z. As a swastika. Anyway, I mean, it's probably not fascist chocolate spread. But we're going to find out. Let's have a taste of the Nut-ee-za. It's 99p, 400 grams. You get 50 more grams than you do with the Coco Noir. So it's cheaper than the Coco Noir.

Yeah. And the packaging isn't as good. It's fine. It's about the same. It's got the... Foil is on. The foil is on. So we are safe from any number of injectable diseases.

Because there was that whole incident when someone was putting AIDS in chocolate spread. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just keep it word. You know, it was mostly Nutella brands. Fact. I don't know.

I'm just spreading rumors. Trying to get the stocks down on Nutella so I can buy now. Yeah. You need to stock up on Nutella. Yeah. I'm going to do that whole, you know, MRA jab thing saying it causes autism. Well, it's going to be a huge global financial crash. You know about this?

No. China is about this? No. China is tanking the economy. This got incredibly deep. And the same with Brazil. Wow. My dad was saying to me, he's going to take his cash out. This is how concerned he is.

He's going to take his cash out and store it around his house. And what, buy shotgun cigarettes and Nutella? Yeah, do you know what I mean? Holy shit. What? I'm like, what? You're going to what?

You're going to stash? I'm going to keep it in mattresses, son. Yeah. I mean? Holy shit. What? I'm like, what? You're going to what? You're going to... I'm going to keep it in mattresses, son. Yeah. I mean, I don't know what your dad's accent's like. It's probably not... It's not like that at all. But anyway, yeah. Oh, Eli!

Brazil and China are going to crash! And I've got to get the cash! It's probably like that, right? So... Anyway, not Caesar's friend. If there is a global financial crisis, what's going to happen to Nutella? What's going to happen to that?

I don't know. The thing is, your dad's going to sort this through. Why take cash out? Just buy gold. Gold's going to be always worth something. He doesn't like Nutella. This got complicated. Right, I'm just going to spread the goddamn chocolate.

Get the Nut-easer, geezer. Oh, you should work for them. Spreadable cream with hazelnuts. Oh, I'll apportion you some spreadable cream. It just sounds wrong. It sounds wrong. It's very thick like Nutella. Oh, okay.

It's got that first stab. It's got that quality. They've got that. They've got the thickness. Because that was our big issue with the Coco Noir was the texture. A bit too runny. It was a bit runny, wasn't it? Right.

So let's see if the nutty's are... Here is your first taste, Mr Silver. Okay. Again, on the same biscuit. It's a controlled experiment. It's a controlled experiment. Exact same cheap rich tea biscuit, and I'm going to go for it now.

He looks happy. He doesn't look disgusted. You know what? I cannot tell the difference between that and Nutella. Really? I'm going to try it. It's hazelnutty, it's very sweet. It's got a nice smooth texture to it. Well, I'm going to take a bite. Go for it.

Now I'm the connoisseur of Nutella. You tell me because I can't tell the difference. That's really nice in terms of hazelnut chocolatey spread. It's nice. It does taste slightly more vanilla-y than Nutella does. Okay. But

as a substitute on a budget and you gave it to your kids, they would not know the difference. Not unless they're a connoisseur like me, you know? What you're saying, it's all about amplitude. Yes. Did you know there's this term in food? It's called amplitude?

Yeah. Not to do with music, like amplitude. No, it's in tasting. Yeah. Amplitude. It's when the flavour just bursts bursts and it's all rounded so she's on my girlfriend last night so for example like a knockoff cola yeah you will get like notes like the citrus note or the cinnamon note or whatever things you'll

recognize from but they they they poke out. Whereas if you drink Coke, it's like all rounded. So it's got a high amplitude. It's all nothing, none of the separate flavour notes are too strong. No, I get what you mean. It's all balanced. It's like the sweetness kind of sometimes sticks out. So the reason I'm bringing this up

is you're saying the amplitude on the Nutteaser isn't as good because you said the vanilla is poking out, isn't it? Yeah, I think that's slightly cheaper whatever it is they use. Well, the amplitude just isn't as good, is it? So there you go. The amplitude is off with Nutteaser. We're going to start using the word amplitude

in every episode of Cheap Eats. Hello, darling. I'm going to amplitude all up inside you. I've got some spreadable cream. You want some Coco Noir. Suck on my Coco Noir. Oh, God. You want some cocoa noir. Suck on my cocoa noir. Oh, God. Anyway, so I would give that,

I'd probably give that a seven as well, only because I noticed the difference. But really, really, if I didn't know and someone just said, here's some spreadable chocolate, I would probably be fine with eating a load of that. So you're giving it a seven, but a real no-tailer would be a ten.

I would probably go as far as 7.5. Okay. I'd give that, yeah, 7.5. We're in concurrence. Yeah. I think it is actually nicer than the Coco Noir, isn't it? Well, that was going to be the next question. I said, if you want a budget, you've got a chocolate spread, you can't afford the Nutella, you've got Nutella

and you've got Coco Noir, which one are you going to buy? Although the packaging and the whole copy on the packaging is bad. Off-putting. Well off-putting. And it's Bestie Foods. Yeah, I don't like that. By Bestie Foods.

Thomas Bestie. Stupid. It's a made-up name, isn't it? What a wanker. It's like, you know, Mr. Peter Delicious-oir or whatever foods, isn't it? Mr. Peter Delish-oir. Yeah, yeah. It's like Johnny Tasty Goody.

You know what I mean? It's a made-up, stupid name. So although the packaging, not as good, and Coco Noir's definitely got the jar design and everything's better, I'd still, yeah, I think I'd prefer that. I put in the name Thomas Best. With an E. And it said, do you mean proper Nutella?

Didn't really do that. So I'm going to recommend, after the two, I'm going to recommend the Nut-Eater as well. Yes, okay. I think it's the substitute you need. So that was our Cheap Eats. So on Cheap Show, we obviously like to do our bit in terms of encouraging people to go

outside of their comfort zones and maybe shop elsewhere. And so we like charity shops. In fact, we've built most of our show around what we found in charity shops. I love a charity shop, mate. We love a charity shop. There's nothing I like more. What's your favourite charity shop? It's got to be British Heart Foundation. Cat AIDS. Right, so

it turns out in August it was Charity Shop Day. let me read it out to you although charity shops have genuinely been replaced with discount stores in modern times the intent behind charity shop day still replies applies still applies applies applies still applies um save money and be economical by purchasing second-hand. Now, we all do more and more of that, don't we? The high streets of our once proud nation are becoming just a lot of charity shops. You see a lot more than you used to, I guess, don't you?

British Heart Foundation, Oxfam, they're all over the place. Also, it used to be a stigma. Like when I was at school they'd say oh your mum shops at Oxfam yeah

and of course back in the day as well and that was really bad like it was bad but that's less so it's less so nowadays it's like

oh you get that jacket oh I got it in Oxfam oh yeah you got some cachet yeah cachet you've you know you've won the thing is

I remember growing up in the 80s when things were a little SPC, and before it became Scope, there was the Spastic Society shop, you know? Yes. And so, obviously, if you were caught in the Spastic Society, you were riled quite a bit in school. Yes. Well, kids were nasty.

Kids were nasty. I mean, I hate, I don't know whether, it was one of these stories where I want to tell it to prove a point, but also I don't want it to make it seem like this is my joke. It's not. It's like a mate of mine went into the spastic shop. He did, this guy called Neil. And he went, can I have a spastic, please? And ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

But that was the kind of mentality growing up. You know what I mean? That was the mentality growing up. Yeah. Which brings us. Which brings us. To Toys R Us and their sister shop, the stupid, stupidly named Babies R Us.

You have a fucking thing about this, don't you? It's a total logical inconsistency. You either call yourself Toys R Us, fine, because you sell toys. Yeah, get it. And then you... Our brand is associated with toys. Yes, and then you'd call your sister store,

if it sold baby goods. Baby stuff is us. I know it hasn't got the same ring. Baby goods are us. Baby goods are us. But not babies are us. Because if toys are us and you sell toys and babies are us, you sell babies.

That's the logic. Well, let's balance that. It's a stupid fucking name. Let's fucking balance this out in northern accents. All right. Toys are us. Our's fucking balance this out in Northern accents. Right. Toys R Us. Our brand is in toys, right? Yeah.

Babies R Us. Our brands are in babies. No. They're basically saying this store deals with babies. Yeah, but deal. Yes, I know what they're saying. I understand what the store sells. Yeah, you're just angry about it.

I'm angry with the logical inconsistency of the name. The syntax of it all, yeah. It's very bad. So what would you call it then? I'd call it Toys R Us. Bearing in mind, you've got to keep the R Us in because that's part of the R Us brand. Baby Stuff's R Us.

No, it doesn't work. It's fine. It doesn't work. Stuff for Babies R Us. Stuff for Babies is even worse. What about... Why not call it Nappies and cribs are us

Or whatever Cribs are us Yeah Yo dog So anyway It was charity shop day So we did a bit of research And it turns out

There are There is There is An etiquette To charity shop shopping As it turns out Yes So we found some do's and don'ts

It's a A do It's a So It's a... So I do a do. Do the do. Betty boo. Just doing the do. Do.

Build a rapport with the workers. They know where the good stuff is. And make friends. You never know what kind of rewards you may reap. You'd probably just be friends with someone who works in a charity shop. Yeah, but as we were talking about before the recording stopped and we lost all that glorious footage,

was that some of the people who work in charity shops may not be socially the best people to have on your side. Well, I'd put them into two broad categories. Category one. Little Hitlers. Or us. Yeah. Category two.

Yeah. Socially and intellectually sub Or us. Yeah. Category two. Yeah. Socially and intellectually subnormal people. Right. Who've maybe had a breakdown. No middle ground here. That's basically, and you get the Hitlers bossing around the sub-educationally normal people. Why has there never been a sitcom based around a charity shop? There so should be.

Ooh. Quick. Copyright Paul and Eli. Here's an example of the Hitler Right okay so you had a Hitler experience did you in a charity shop

I was in the North London Hospice shop in Palmer's Green which is in North London It certainly is and I was looking through the records

sitting on the floor looking through the records the shop is quite large the shop is empty of other customers Right The lady

who works in the shop told me i can't be sitting there it's a fire hazard and you've been there for what how many minutes maybe 15 10 and then she decides to get up decides because she needs to have something to complain or boss someone about a bit or not allow someone to do something. Did you move? I did. I stood up and I said, that's utterly ridiculous. Look into my eyes. I was so angry. It's like, God, you petty, petty little dictator.

And you punched her. No, I did not punch her. All right. And so, category two. The other side of the coin, People who can't operate in life. So I was trying to buy three records for 49p, and this is British Heart Foundation on Wood Green. And I took them to the lady behind the counter,

and she kind of looked at them, looked at the till, didn't put the price into the till. Didn't beep-bop-boop it. No, she couldn't do that. So she started trying to add up 49 times three, didn't put the price into the till. Didn't beep-bop-boop it. No, she couldn't do that. So she started trying to add up 49 times 3, which you can do pretty quickly. 147.

Yes. I said it's 147. Quickest way to do it, 350p, take away 3p. Yes, but she obviously was... Where is she? I'll show her. So I said it's 147. As she starts getting the pen out to sort of jot, she's trying to do long audition.

I'm like, it's 147. It is 147. You know, I've got the money in my hand. It's 147. And then she starts doing it, writing it. And not only is she having to do that, she's using a biro and she's doing the working out on the cover of the 7-inch single I'm trying to buy, thereby ruining it.

Vinyl as well? Yeah. It's like a picture cover. What on earth? I would have hit her. I would have hit her. What are you doing, love? Put the pen down.

So that's one of the do's. Have you got any more do's? Well, no, I had that kind of situation. I was in a shop. I saw this little board game box set, whatever it is. Didn't know the cost of it. There's a guy sitting behind the counter, minding his own business, looking at his lap.

So I was like, oh, I'll go up to him. Do you know how much this little game is? And he literally looked at it and rolled it over, over and over and over, as if I'd not done that to look for the sticker price. He's like, oh, I'll go check, I'll go check. And he took it and he went back. And I was standing there for 15 minutes until some other woman came out.

And I was like, yeah, this guy just went back to find the price for this thing. And she went, oh, I don't know who that is. And I, what? And it turned out it was some guy who works next door or whatever. And he just vamoosed. He obviously just was like,

he's figured me out. I don't work here. I've got to get out of it. I've got to get out. There's a smashed window in the back. I can't deal with the pressure of being asked what price this is. Top of a toilet seat being thrown for a glass window and he'd scuttled out.

Oh, bless him. So, all right. Do. Next do. Get your friend's gifts from charity shops. If you follow the rules and have good taste yourself, you shouldn't be struggling to find a great present for someone. But if you're going to go cheap,

the purchase you have to have has an aura of pricelessness about it. It needs to say vintage, not Oxfam. I've bought you this T-shirt. That says, I went to Oxfam and got you a T-shirt. I've bought you a plate. With a little clown on being held by a lady. I've bought you a picture of a teddy bear riding a hobby horse. I bought you the Keith Chegwin Pop Pickers play set.

I've bought you a Bucks Fizz 7-inch with its torn cover. I bought you a Gary Glitter 1976 annual. Oh, yeah. You've got good annuals. Anyway, so, do you want to hear some don'ts? Yeah, let's hear some don'ts. Don't expect miracles. What, in life, in general?

Don't get your hopes up? Some days, there is simply nothing worth buying. Ain't that the truth, Ruth? Ain't that the holy truth? That accent is problematic. Anyway. What's wrong with it? Wasting time is always depressing, but it could be worse.

You could have spent £80 in a proper shop on a top you'll only wear once because that smelly-looking contestant on Come Dine With Me has the same one. What? Smelly- one. What? Smelly looking? What? This is not right, sir. This is not right. This is not right.

This is not right. This is not right. This is not right. This is not right. This is not right. This is not right. This is not right. This is not right.

This is not right. This is not right. This is not right. This is not right. This is not right. This is not right. This is not right. This is not right.

This is not right. This is not right. This is not right. This is not right. This is not right. This is not right. This is not right. This is not right.

This is not right. This is not right. This is not right. This is not right. This is not right. This is not right. This is not right. This is not right.

This is not right. This is not right. This is not right. This is not right. This is not right. This is not right. This is not right. This is not right.

This is not right. This is not right. This is not right. This is not right. This is not right. This is not right. This is not right. This is not right.

This is not right. This is not right. This is not right. This is not right. This is not right. It's not a general advice in life to just be barefoot. No. Although there are some people who advocate that. Are there? Yes. Are they the people who work in charity shops?

We all love the idea of a cheap pair of shoes. I love that idea. I get old. I lie in bed at night thinking about some cheap shoes. I talk my dick until I can think about a nice pair of clocks. Oh, these high tops of clocks. Oh, these high tops are reduced. Oh,

fucking hell. Doc Martens. Oh dear. Okay. But it's true. Yeah. I like, you know,

my father is a big aficionado of charity shopping. And he says, he loves, don't buy shoes. Don't do it. Just don't buy over his't do it just don't buy

all of his shoes there's some things in life you shouldn't scrimp on shoes is one of them shoes is one underpants

is one hair dye hair dye don't I had a friend who got cheap hair dye this was at school what and his eyes

fell out no no no she wanted to go you know like white white blonde you know that kind of thing platinum I think she woke up the next day with all her hair on the pillow. It literally fell

off. Yeah, it literally was all burnt off. And what was left was like almost tinted with green. Whoa. Yeah. If it had been seven years earlier, she could have got that kind of Paula Wilcox thing going, but no. Sorry, Paula Wilcox? Who's that 80s singer? Toya. Toya Wilcox. Who's Paula Wilcox? There is no, well, I'm sure there is. Therea. Toya Wilcox. Who's Paula Wilcox? There is no... Well, I'm sure there is. There might be a Paula Wilcox. Paula, if you're listening, Paul didn't mean it.

I did. I'm going to punch you. All right, I've got a don't. Don't feel guilty about criticising a charity shop when things are overpriced. This butter dish is £2.50. I cannot believe the cheek of you trying to save people with cancer or children dying in other countries

by overcharging me for this fucking butter dish. I'm going to fuck you. I won't stand for it. I think that's... I mean, by all means, don't pay for it. It's your choice. This is what they say. The entire point of a charity shop is that they sell stuff on the cheap.

They operate on an every little helps principle. You must be able to go in and buy a whole load of amazing things for about seven quid. So don't feel like a yuppie scum the next time you walk out

of a charity shop because you've bought an okay shirt for £12. Oh, okay. Very snobby, isn't it? It is very. The whole tone of this.

Let's just say it. We got it from the Guardian. It's so Guardian. The Guardian. Vote Tory. No, don't. No, please don it. We got it from the Guardian. It's so Guardian. The Guardian. Vote Tory. No, don't. No, please don't. It's up to you who you vote for

based on your own political preferences. But basically, don't vote Tory. Don't even vote. Just, yeah, don't. Don't get involved in society. What we're saying on Cheap Show here is give up. Give up.

Check out. Buy some crap from a charity shop. Think about yourself. Forget about others. Give up. Check out. Buy some crap from a charity shop. Think about yourself. Forget about others. Vote Tory. And do you have any more do's? There's not many do's. There's quite a lot of don'ts.

Well, isn't that the case in life? Yeah, isn't it? The list of don'ts is a lot longer than the list of do's. Anyway, Tory person. Not Tory. Jesus, you're obsessed. Tories, Tories, must vote Tory. No one must vote Tory.

We need to get some Tories on this show. Do we? No, please, no. I don't fancy that. Tell us about the bedroom tax. And we're off here. Guardian reader or writer, if you wrote this and you're recognising the words and you heard this,

here's what I think of your do's and don'ts. That's a good... That was a good tear sound, wasn't it? That's a good tear, very good tear sound. I'm getting fucking hard. Shoes! Shoes! Discounted! Look, this is the scenario, right? I come

into a shop, I go, how much are these? And you say they're 50p. Anyway, moving on. Right, so, before Cheap Show was Cheap Show, it used to be called The Uncleakables, right? Yes. The Uncleakables was a format struggling to find itself. It was also not the greatest of names.

God, no. Hey, if you like the show, come and see The Uncleakables. U-N-C-L-I-Q-U-E-A-B-L. I know it's a bit difficult as well. Anyway, follow us at The Unclickables. T-H-E-U-N-C-L. You know, it was a bit hard to... It was.

And also, it sounds like The Unclickables. And that was even worse. Which is like, don't click on this. And it meant nothing. And a lot of people didn't click on us as a result. So we realised show by show, it was becoming less about being random and more about loving cheap

things that we found and we changed it. And long story short, Unclickables became a cheap show. Indeed. And I think it worked. Yes. But as a result, a lot of great things were lost. Guests' appearances, because we've had to get rid of all those episodes because I ain't got money to host various SoundCloud accounts.

Yeah. They still exist, but they're in the vaults. They're in the vaults. That's what I like. They're in the vaults. Yes. So what we thought we'd do is

we sometimes call episodes Scrap a Book of Crap. And it's our kind of clip show thing where we just kind of put clips of old bits on and stuff that was lost forever. In the spirit of Cheap Show,

we cheaply don't do a new show. We just put together some bits of other shows we've done. That's it. So what we thought we'd do is give you a clips package of the episodes that you may never hear in their entirety. Ooh. Ooh. It's like a little window into a forgotten world.

It's like a little veil has been lifted. Is that something you nicked from a film? No. Oh. Yes. It's a bit poltergeist. Yeah. This house is clean.

Oh, yeah, it's a little lady poltergeist. Oh. She was cool, wasn't she? She was good, wasn't she?

Yeah, she was great. Zelda something or other her name was. Oh, right. Yeah, I can't remember her name now. Anyway. So, anyway,

we've got some clips coming up. Clips, clips, everyone. Yeah, so what we thought we'd do is we. So anyway, we've got some clips coming up. Clips, everyone. Yeah, so what we thought we'd do is we'd go back through the archives and we'll unclickable shows and pull out a few clips. Brilliant. Of our favourite moments that will be lost to time. We may release them one day in their entirety somehow.

I don't know. But I thought what we'd do is for our scrapbook of crap, we'd put a few clips out. So what we've got coming up in this next collection, a grab bag of clips, is we've got Nathaniel Metcalf. Great comedian. Amazing stand-up.

He's going to do a little game with us. We're going to put that clip in. It's kind of like, if you've ever seen the British show Play Your Cards Right, it's like that, but with horrible celebrities. Yeah, that was fun.

That was a lot of fun. We got quite competitive. I can't remember who won in the end. It was you. You won. Just like hearing you say it. You can remember that. That was a lot of fun. We got quite competitive. I can't remember who won in the end. It was you. You won. I'm just like hearing you say it. You can remember that. I'm just like hearing you say it.

We got Tom Parry. Got a clip from Tom Parry, who is part of the Pappy's comedy group. He's got his own solo show being absolutely reviewed. Yeah, yellow t-shirt. Yeah. This year. Yeah, good.

He came in. Unfortunately, that time, we had a bit of a problem with some... Rowdy. Rugby, dapper laugh fan kind of group. I'm just going to go out and call them cunts. Yeah, they were cunts. Is that all right? There were some cunts in.

Yeah, you can say cunt to me any time. I often do. Yes. So we've got a female comedian called Abigailia Shimon, one of my favourite ladies. Sorry, what gender was this comedian? It matters. You're right. I shouldn't have brought up the gender.

It makes no difference to her skill, talent, humour. Was that gendered? Yes. It was just, you know, I could have said... Abigailia sounds like a girl's name. It sounds like a very bizarre name. Yeah, Shimon. Abigailia Shimon.

Yeah, that's what she's called. She also seems to be doing extremely well in Edinburgh this year. Yeah, she's come over to live in Edinburgh. Good for her. Yeah, so, travelling on their coattails. Somewhat. So we've got clips from those three comedians

and then we've got, like, I think a little sketch that me and you did once. Cool. And we're going to throw that in and just give you a taste of episodes long lost. You get bargains

when you tune in to your cheap show, don't you? You do. You get lots of value. You're getting the banter, witty banter. You're getting clips. You're getting the bargain. This isitty banter. You're getting clips.

You're getting the bargain. This is a super safe show. And also, if there's a comedian who happens to be female, Paul will let you know. Yeah, I'll point it out to you. You got tits. Why does my girlfriend still love me? I don't know. I really don't know.

I really don't. I mean, I love her to death. But sometimes she needs to give me a slap she just needs to go paul sort it out mate yeah she should i'd like i'd pay to watch that anyway here's here's a shitload of clips well four here's four clips enjoy well at this point i think we can move swiftly on from this highbrow topic of scientific conversation okay and uh let nathaniel come along and see what you've decided to inflict upon us this afternoon. Well, evening, yeah. Good evening.

Good evening. What I was going to do, I didn't know this was coming up quite now. I brought a bag of stuff. I thought what I'd do is, I was trying to think of something to do. And what I thought I'd do is when I used to run my own night, I used to have a game that was similar to Play Your Cards Right, but it was basically based on people, places, and celebrities, and anything, and it's basically to decide whether the next card is going to be better or worse

than the card before it. I like this. I'm up for this. We're in. It's a game, so you can... I mean, it's one of those things that never really worked because it could go on in theory forever. could go on for far too long we've got time no one's waiting on us so we're all good so i'm gonna start off i'm gonna start for you paul okay

that is the first card which is gordon ramsey okay so for what for two points, do you guess that the next person is going to be better or worse than Gordon Ramsay? Well, let's talk out our thought processes here. I'd say that's pretty bad. And also, that picture of Gordon Ramsay you've got, he seems to be about to behead a Chinese man. He is, yes. He's got a cleaver right next to an Asian gentleman's face. I mean, it's like the Camarouge kind of thing. It's quite disturbing, isn't it, really?

I'd say there are people worse than Gordon Ramsay, but not many. So if we're just looking at the statistics, I'd say it's going to be better. What would you say? And it's definitely a person next? Well, it could be a person, thing, movie, place. So it could be a picture of bargain booze. There's still a lot of things that are better than Gordon Ramsay. Also, the other thing is, it's like,

who can decide who's better or worse than Gordon Ramsay anyway? But in my game, it's me. Well, because I don't like Gordon Ramsay, I'm going to say the next card is better than Gordon Ramsay. So you're both going for better? I'm going to go for better. I'm going for better. It's the Muppet. I think we going for better? I'm going to go for better. I'm going for better. It's the Muppets.

I think we... High five. Oh! There we go. We're all good. So the Muppets. That's a high card, isn't it? It is.

It's a high card, the Muppets. That's the ace of this set, isn't it? What I think we should introduce at this point, Paul, is your Muppet character. Feeble. Who's Feeble? Yeah, it's Paul. Paul reminds me of a reject Muppet. actor. Feeble. He's Feeble? Yeah, it's Paul. Paul reminds me of like a reject Muppet.

He's like a Muppet that Jim Henson came up with when he was a bit drunk and thought, oh no, that's awful. And what does Feeble say? Feeble? Yes. Let's find out. Feeble, come over here. Hey everybody, it's Feeble. I hate my life.

I really hate that you made me do that. It's not a bad impression. I could easily get a job and have a new queue on that. Is it going to be better or worse than the Muppets? I think it has to be worse. This has been too easy so far. This is the thing. You don't pull out a card like that and not think people are going to go naturally to worse because maybe the next

card is chocolate flavoured tits. And that's better than the Muppets. Is it? Well, yes. Chocolate flavoured tits. How that's better than the Muppets. Is it? Well, yes. Chocolate flavoured tits. How many of those have you come across? Well. Excuse the fucking pun. Right, okay, well.

Chocolate flavoured tits, yeah? Yeah. Right, okay. I bet that's what he's got. What would they be for? Yeah, what are they for? Are they for eating? Yeah.

They're for Christmas. Special occasions. Can you buy them at Thornton's? Yeah, that's it. They're for Christmas. Special occasions. Can you buy them at Thornton's? Yeah, that's it. Thornton's. Chocolate flavoured tits are like those kind of novelty items you get in those shit shops, you know. Yeah, like anywhere in Blackpool. A willy shaped toilet paper dispenser.

Oh, I fucking hate that. I hate willy flavoured pasta, willy flavoured lollipop. Willy flavoured pasta. Alright, I don't know what a willy tastes like. Oh, it's terrible. Let's play the game. I'm going to say chocolate-flavoured tits.

I'm going to say it's better than the Muppets. Just to play the odds. You're going to go worse. I think it's too high a card. The next one is Noel Edmonds. 1-0. Noel the Horror Edmonds. 1-0. Noel the Horror Edmonds. If that last card

was the ace, that's the two of hearts. It's a low... It's quite a low scoring card is Edmonds. If you're playing, you know, the price... Play your cards right. It's an easy choice after this. Surely. Really? His face looks like a scrub nubbin'. Right, anyway,

for all American or foreign listeners out there who may not know who Noel Edmonds is, he is a ex-DJ primetime TV presenter who specialises in debasement and cheesy

feel-good-factor style comedy yucks and games. He used to do Plank Calls, didn't he? He did. And he also did the gotchas. Ooh. Which on reflection was quite prescient when you

think about some of the people he had gotcha'd over the years. Anyway, higher. Higher than Edmunds. Higher than Edmunds. It's Robert's Kilroy silk or a drawing I've done of him. That's a very good drawing. It's a very nice drawing.

But no, I like... So where do we stand on that then? I think he is... I think he's worse than Edmonds. Yeah, he's worse. He's quite a tough one though, isn't he? But I think he kind of... I think he's probably a bad person.

You know what I'm going to say? He's better than Noel Edmonds. Oh yeah? Because Kilroy at least knew when to step away and go, I've done it. I've done my work. Because I've not seen him on TV in a while. He was an MP, wasn't he?

Has he gone back to being a public figure probably? I don't know. Was he an MP? Oh, he was one of the UKIPs. I think he was in the UKIP. He was in the original line-up of UKIP before they got a whole different band in. They went on tour.

That's become the original UKIP. He still tours as UKIP, though, I think. He's not legally allowed to use that name. No and that's become the original UKIP. He still tours as UKIP now, I think. He's not legally allowed to use that name. No. Robert Kilroy silks UKIP. Yeah.

He does the club jazz. He's got a very almost insouciant pout there in your drawing. And I like his

side parting. That's incredibly well caught. Very nice. Because side partings are, as we all know, the best kind of parting. So I'd say better.

The next one's going to be better. Better than Robert Kilboy. I'm going to say worse just to be different. Okay. I'm afraid it's better. It's the Planet of the Apes film. That is good.

Is that Caesar as played by Roddy McDowall? It is, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. There you go. See, I'm a fan of the Planet of the Apes films. Yes, but you're still wrong about it being worse, aren't you? But you know what's weird

about the Planet of the Apes? Well, yeah, I stand down. I know I was wrong with that, but the Planet of the Apes films are very interesting films because every single one of them ends on a downer. Even the light-hearted Planet of the Apes films. Yeah, yeah, it really does. Because there's one where is it Roddy McDowell? Yeah, it's Roddy McDowell. He plays a descendant

of Caesar. And in one of the films, they blow updy McDowell. He plays a descendant of Caesar. And in one of the films, they blow up the planet. And so him and a girl and a baby ape go back in time to the 70s and have basically the Star Trek 4 Voyage Home episode, don't they? Where it's like the shadow of water. Escape from the Planet of the Apes, that one. Escape from the Planet of the Apes, thank you very much. I've only ever seen the original and then the Tim Burton remake, which was very poor.

Very poor. But yeah, it's a really light-hearted, funny little romp where these monkeys become celebrities and they don't quite get the world and all this stuff. And then in the last five minutes, they get violently shot and then she throws her baby into the sea and you think, yay! That never happened to

Kirk. The 70s though, they knew how to do a downbeat ending to an otherwise light-hearted movie. They loved it. Planet of the Apes. It's got to be worse. I'm going to go with your own worse. It's got to be worse than Planet of the Apes. You're both right. It's Piers Morgan. Holy shit.

We have dropped several levels. Look at his face. We are subterranean at this point. Look at his fucking face. I really hate Piers Morgan. I mean, the thing about it is, obviously he he's a journalist and an editor of Daily Mirror. And that in itself is a war crime. But it's just that face.

Like, he's smelling his own farts constantly. Well, it's healthy, as we know. Yeah, well. I always thought it was healthy. Now I've been vindicated. Vindicated. Vindicated. I really don't like him. And I was happy when his CNN

show got axed. It's got to be better than Piers Morgan. It's got to be better. Unless the next card is a group photo of Rolf Harris, Stuart Hall. Unless it's a group family shot of BBC One during the late 70s and nothing can top it.

Well, here's where it is. Spoilers again for this. You'll have to decide as well Well, here's who it is. Spoilers again for this. You'll have to decide as well when you see it whether it is better or worse. It is the killer dwarf from the end of the film, Donald Now. But is she who murders Donald Sutherland

in the end, is she better or worse than Piers Morgan? She's a lot better. She's better than Piers. She's definitely better. Points to both of you. She's creepy. She's a lot better. She's better than Piers. At least... Yeah, she is. She's definitely better, yeah. Yeah, she is. Points to both of you. She's creepy. She's scary. The way she shakes her head is very enigmatic.

Yeah. For me, it's the sort of slow movement of her kind of cleaver. It's quite slow. It's not even... What a terrifying film that is. Do you have a knob beaker? A knob beaker? Oh, this is new.

What's a knob beaker? He knob beaker? Oh, this is new. What's a knob beaker? He's another of the weird Muppets. Me, me, me, me, me. Go on. A knob beaker. There was this thing. You know, Mumsnet? Yeah.

I don't know. I've never been on it myself. But it's a popular website. For mothers. It's a forum for mothers. To complain about kids. And apparently this woman just overshared and said how her and her husband had to have a knob beaker.

But what does it do? It's a beaker of water for him to clean his knob with. That's a great idea. It's not a great idea. Because I was using wet wipes. It's horrible. I don't want to know about you and your husband's knob beaker. Just leave it.

Something's the best left. Keep the romance alive. The point is, the knob beaker wouldn't work. Because if he's erect, then it's going to be hard for him to push it down and in. It's better to just use a sponge. We'd assume he's got at least a semi-frumpy. From Don't Look Now.

The knob beaker at the side. He dunks. So, I don't know. I'm going to say better. Better. Just because it's unsettling and all unusual. How many cards?

Do you want to make this the last one? No, let's go for them all. It's a high card. Oh, it's Santa Claus! Oh, and that looks like an informal picture of Santa, so I'm wondering if that's a family photo that you've blown up? No, no. Is that public domain?

It's quite a creepy-looking Santa Claus, in a way. So I think it is a bit too real. I think it was just a Google image search of Santa or Father Christmas or something. And that came up. What's bizarre is his weird... It looks like he's got a tie made of his beard. Oh, I see, yeah. Because the way the Velcro's gone over to hide the buttons.

There's a little bit of white fluff. Which means the collar is sadly lacking in flair. Can't be better than Christmas, can it? I'm going to say it's better than Christmas. It's the Fonz. It's the Fonz. That is better. Better than Christmas.

For me, yeah. Yeah, for me, it's better. So, we can't do any better than the Fonz at this point. Has to be worse than the Fonz. Right, bring it back to that. All right, worse than the Fonz. I'm going to say worse than the Fonz. Got to be worse.

Got to be worse. Paul McCartney. Oh. Paul McCartney. Oh. Paul McCartney. Oh, you know what? Paul McCartney. See, I'm the only person from the Northwest who can't really do a Scouse accent.

It's quite tragic. All right, we got it. All right, who's next? I'm going to say worse than Paul McCartney. I like Paul McCartney. I don't see why people have a beef with him. Yoko Ono, in the early 2000s, tried to have a

toy line of cuddly toys based on scribbles John Lennon had done when he was alive. She was trying to do a line of John Lennon's stuffed cuddly toys of bunny rabbits and stuff. John Lennon could easily have written a song about the flumps or done the theme tune. Bum flumps. written a song about the flumps. Or done the theme tune.

Bum flumps. Bum flumps. Bum flumps. No, you've heard of the flumps. Yeah, yeah. That's very nice. We'll say, let's say worse than McCartney. I'm going to say, yeah, worse than McCartney.

Well, there's the debate then. Because it is John Lennon. See? I don't know where we stand now. So is John Lennon better or worse than McCartney? You know what? I've because it is John Lennon. See? I don't know where we stand now. So is John Lennon better or worse than I can? You know what? I've never really liked John Lennon. This has nothing to do with his art, his music. It's not about his output.

It's just as a human being. I just thought he's a bit of a fucking smug cock. Sorry. I've never warmed to him. The other thing that people don't realise is in the early years of the Beatles... Yeah, the Skiffle era. Well't realise is in the early years of the Beatles. Yeah. The skiffle era. Well, no, just the early Beatles career.

Paul was the main songwriter. He wrote a good number of the songs, you know? I think that's right. I think McCartney kind of wins against him. I think he does, actually. But he's not around to defend himself, is he? No, he can't speak ill of a dad. Imagine you've not done tea. I'll smack But he's not around to defend himself, is he? No, you can't speak ill of the dead. Imagine you've

not done tea. I'll smack you round the head. I'll make this the last one, I think. Alright, okay,

last one. The last card going to be better or worse than John Lennon? Got to be worse. Worse. Better.

Worse. We have to decide for yourselves. It's Nicholas Lindhurst. Oh my God, that is the most disgusting. Or me wearing a Nicholas Lindhurst mask. Is that a genuine Nicholas Lindhurst. Oh my god, that is the most... Or me wearing a Nicholas Lindhurst

mask. Is that a genuine Nicholas Lindhurst mask? Yeah, yeah. My mate got it for me in, I think, Clacton-on-Sea or something, where you could go into a shop and have a rubber mask of Del Boy and Rodney. So I said, could you just get me like Rodney? I quite like the idea of just having a mask.

If there was a UK remake of Halloween, you could probably spray that white and be that... That's severely disturbing. That's terrifying, isn't it? I mean, seriously, that's like The Purge. Yeah. Or Home Invasion films. You know, where they wear distorted

masks and cut people up. It's like that. What if it was the real Nicholas Lindhurst? Less so or more. What if it was the real Nicholas Lindhurst wearing the mask and Nicholas. What if it was the real Nicholas Lindhurst wearing the mask? He pulls it off and it's still him. But I don't know. That is disturbing. And I might keep it for bedtime tricks later on.

So I'm just going to keep that. I'm not going to do that. Ooh. So who won? I don't know. I thought you were keeping your own score. I didn't know you were. It was me, Paul.

I think it was Eli. I'm pretty sure it was. Because it saves us another 15 minutes of arguing. So let's... Congratulations, Eli. I'm going to give you a round of applause. Thank you. You're too kind.

Next part of the show is called The Price of Shite. Why is it called that and what do we do, Eli? Well, on this section of the show, ladies and gentlemen, we like to buy three very cheap and tatty items and then get our guest and Paul to guess the prices. It's a little competition. I've done a little jingle. You haven't? Oh.

Yeah, go on. Let me just remember the melody here. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. That's fucking price of shite That's right They don't know how to react

No, don't applaud that Don't applaud that Do you want me to try it again? I'll do it better No It's the fucking price of shite No It's the fucking See, they're saying no, so stop it

Just get out your tat It's the price of fucking shite That's right No It's like the worst of Blankite. That's right. No. It's like the worst of blankety blank and big break that match together. That's what it's meant to be. Okay, so I have three items

and I'll get the first item out. Excuse me. Okay. So Eli sources these items from charity shops, Oxfam, secondhand places. And what do you have for us tonight? This is a very amusing postcard cum...

Postcard cum? What's that? No, it's a postcard cum... Is it made of it? It's postcard cum sign. He's not having it. He's allergic to these. He's getting wine.

It's a postcard cum notice, and you'll see it's actually plasticized. It's plasticized. It's plasticized. Some would say laminated. Yeah, you could. You could. Could call it that. Well, no, because, sorry to say this, but lamination is actually a process where you

get paper, and then you put a layer of plastic over it. This is pure plastic the whole way through. Okay. I made a mistake. I schooled you there. But it has a dual purpose. It can be a sign, and it can also be a postcard. You can see this from the back.

What does it say? It says, Jack Dusty. It's got a little character, Jack Dusty. He's the mascot of these signs. Jack Dusty says, post me today or keep me forever. He's got a little sailor's cap. So he probably goes, ahoy! You could use a dry erase marker on that.

You could. And then write a message and be like, nah, I don't want to send it. You could use a dry erase marker, yeah. You could send it back and forth. Use felt pen. Between one friend. No, it says here, on the back, use felt pen, China graph, or crayon to write on this side.

What on fuck's name is a China graph? Ifon to write on this side. What on fuck's name is a China graph? If someone could Google that. So it's a dual purpose and it's very amusing I think you'll find because it says it says on it, wake up with a smile on your face. Sleep with a coat hanger in your mouth.

Hey! Hey! I hate my life. Sleep with a coat hanger in your mouth. Hey! I hate my life. Sleep with a coat hanger in your mouth. So that's a present for maybe what? Someone you fucking hate. Someone who's maybe miserable, who never smiles.

Wake up with a smile on your face, you miserable cunt. Put a fucking post hat, fucking stick some shit in your mouth. You miserable fuck. In that case, I got you a present, Eli. Oh, fuck you.

So this is the first item on the price of shite. Okay, so we guess how much that costs. You have to guess the price, yes. Okay, I'll let the lady go first. 5p. No, you're not playing the game properly, are you now? Oh, wait. No, wait.

You have to... Audience, what do we think? Higher, lower? Good game? I genuinely think that only costs 5p. Okay, 5p. That's your answer? That's your answer?

5p. Sorry? £1.50. Oh, there we go. From the lady living in Cloud Cuckoo Land. Okay. They're having a thing. £1.50 the lady in the audience says.

That's a good. Do you play the prices right? Like you got really excited in this one. Do you guys know what you guys have prices for over here? Yeah. Come on down. Yeah, you were like, this is my game. I got this.

150. I got this shit. One pound. This is the price of shite. $2.75. Oh, I can't see it being $2 or more. Now, Abigailia. Yeah.

You were aware. I know you've just moved to our fair isle, but... Quick condescending shit. I know you're a lady, and I have to explain things with my mouth open. Nothing, not a thing, in this whole beautiful, green

and pleasant land costs 5p. Not even if you bought it at an op shop? A box of matches costs 25p. Even a Freddy chocolate. Actually, wrong. You could get some kind of chew for 25p. Even a Freddy chocolate. No, you could get some kind of chew for a 5p. Or a penny gum.

It's not a penny gum, is it? It's a 5p gum. I'm going to re-guess. I'll let you re-guess because I think you rushed in there. Guys, forgive me, okay? I'm on a tight budget. I just immigrated. I only got 5p.

I'm not asking you to buy it, Abigail. You just have to guess how much it cost me. I want to wake up every morning and be like, yeah, I'll just stick a coat hanger in my mouth. A little reminder. One pound. One pound. 75. 175?

Okay. I think she's fallen into a misunderstanding. I think that's way too much. No offense. I'm going to go with... No, it's not what it's worth. It's the price. That's not the worth of shite, is it?

I want to know how much your shoes are because I've been ogling them since I got on stage. They're great boots. Anyway. Wait, no, this isn't loose women. We need to carry on. Oh, a bit sexist. Tits of a stripper, shoulders of a bouncer.

I'll end you. Yeah, you will. Right, so you say £1.75. She says £1.75. I'm going to go. I see the thing is I look at those kind of things in charity shops and they tend to be £25. I didn't get this from a charity shop. Do you want a bit of background? I do like the idea of buying a used postcard.

Secondhand. Well, perhaps someone dry wiped it. Maybe. Did we figure out what China Graph is? Is that what it was called? A wax pencil. She was very keen. No, she did put her hand up, so let's do this properly. It's like school. Madam, what's a China Graph?

They are the little pencils where you pull the string and then unravels and then sharpens your pencil for you. Wow. That's pretty sweet. I've never seen such a thing. If someone could find a YouTube video... A self-sharpening pencil? Why hasn't World Hunger been solved already? I bet that's at least five pounds, a self-sharpening pencil.

Well, now that I know we can maybe do a bit of arts and crafts on that, I've got changed my mind. But where did you get it from? Well, near where I work, it's near the most famous building in the world. Tower Bridge, right? Oh, right. It's got to be up there in the top five

most famous buildings. Name a more famous building. Empire State Building. Empire State Building, yeah. No, I think they're on a level. King Kong. Pyramid. King Kong's not a building.

He's a fictional monkey. No, but he made it famous. What do you mean fictional monkey? That's ridiculous. He's an ape. Anyway, I work near Tower Bridge, one of the most famous

buildings in the world. I've never heard of it. Never heard of it. You probably know it as London Bridge. I'm falling down, falling down. My pants are falling down. Anyway, I work near there, and it's a tourist thoroughfare. So you got it from a tourist shop.

But it's near where we work, so we have to go there for crisps and things. And because it's so expensive funnily enough we call it Harrods you have a lonely mouth so I got this from Harrods, not really Harrods and I got a special price on it what you haggled Vas?

no he said for you for you this price we charge German tourists a lot more Great Britain hey the price to me, so what is your guess? For you, this price, we charge German tourists a lot more. Wow. So we're talking about the price to me. So what is your guess? I'm going to go with 50p.

50p, and you're saying 175? 175. Okay, let's go for the next item. Oh, the mystery continues. So we find it all out at the end? Yeah, I'll tell you how the scoring works. Okay, you get one point for being closest on each item. There's three bonus points up for grabs

if the combined price of all your three guesses is closest to the combined price. This is the worst game ever. Just so you know. Just because you're number illiterate. No, just because you turned this whole fucking simple game into the Enigma code, and all of a sudden it's like,

oh, on a Wednesday when the moon's in the fourth dimension, everything's worth five points. And then if you do this, it's an extra bonus, one minus mega points. Disobedience from the contestant, minus 200 points.

Right, okay. You put no effort into this at all this year. What the fuck are you talking about? A postcard. I just want to say, I cannot wait until these two finally get together. Oh, me too.

Like, this is just, you know all you're watching is the first 15 minutes of a rom-com where they're like, I hate you. You're short. You're fat.

And at the end they're going to be like, we can't live without each other. It's going to be great. What's love got to do? Stop it, Paul. They're going to meet. My friend doesn't like touching. No. You guys are going to be great. What's love got to do? Stop it, Paul. My friend doesn't like touching.

No. You guys are going to meet at midnight in the middle of Tower Bridge. And you're going to bring the coat hanger. And you're going to bring the postie thingy. Can we write this down? This is fucking hot shit. Richard Curtis can eat his knob off with this. Can we have the next item, Chris?

Alright, plastic forks. This is a packet of plastic forks. Basic needs. It says basic needs. It's from a whole range of basic needs items. You've got wool, paper tacks.

Paper tacks? What's a paper tack? Just a regular tack. what is a paper tack just a regular tack it's like a tack yeah I don't know it's you

your Americanisms in fading my brain basic needs you know when you wake up in the morning oh Christ I need to satisfy my basic needs

plastic forks that is the saddest thing this is a basic needs packet of six plastic forks how much how much is the price of This is a basic needs packet of six plastic forks. How much? How much is the price of this shite? How much? Amber Goliath, we'll go to you first. Pound. One pound.

Yeah, I'm going to actually go with, I'm going to say a pound. No, you know what? Because I want to make it a game. It has to be different. Well, no, it doesn't have to be different. You just don't want me to win. Well, you have to go first 15 minutes of a rom-com. Yeah. You have to go a pound and one pence or 99p. If you think it's around that.

I'm going to go with one pound. No, I'm going to go with one pound. I want to say one pound. I want to do one pound. Fuck you then, Jesus. This game's going well, isn't it? I've changed my mind. Okay, have a go.

I think it's 99p. Okay, so you're going lower. I'm going lower. Thank you. Someone who knows about games. Yeah. You're ruining the fun for everyone. Because everyone's 99p. Okay, so you're going lower. Thank you. Someone who knows about games. Yeah. Stop ruining the fun for everyone. Because everyone's having fun.

They are. This half of the audience is not so much fun. This is not quite a lot of fun, okay? I hope you two have been together for a while because if this is date number two, you're done.

You're done. No. Oh. Oh. Oh. We were all old housemates once. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's my sausage.

What? There, we broke him. Right, okay. You ready for the third item, Mike? Yes, the third item. The price of fucking shite. That's right. That's right.

Is that a Nancy Drew knob? No. What this is is easy listening folk of the 60s and 70s. It's a cassette. It's a cassette set. There's four of them. Look. They're all in there.

See how the young girls gasp at the sight of the cassette tape? It's like, look at how we listened to music in the past. This has Lemon Tree on it. Look at this. Blowing in the wind. Mr. Tambourine Man. Light My Fire. That's not exactly folk, is it?

What's here? You know what I like about this is I know we're all like, can you believe that Eli bought cassette tapes for a stupid game? You own a cassette player. I put money on it. You do. Wow, that means you cassette tapes for a stupid game. You own a cassette player. I'd put money on it. You do. Wow, that means you have an old car. Yeah.

Where's your car from? 1995? These are digitally remastered. Oh, on cassette? Yes. And they are Reader's Digest double length cassettes. Four of them. La Bamba.

And they're made in Canada. Exclusively for Reader's Digest. Wow. And I think they're good as new, aren't they? This hasn't been touched. This has on it, Let It Be. And it says nothing else. It just says, Let It Be.

This also has, okay, this has on 500 miles, The Proclaimers. Also, a whole lot. No, it doesn't. Yeah, no, no, it does. 500 miles, maybe different 500 miles. It must be. This is the 60s and the 70s. And then it also has a hole in my bucket.

As in, there's a hole in my bucket. Dear Liza, dear Liza. So this is great. Okay, there's one on here called The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down. Yeah, that's the band. Yeah. Oh, is that the name's the band yeah no that

wasn't oh is that the name of the band no there was a group called the band and that was that one of their songs oh right so it's one of those clever things like the the and the who god you really know nothing about rock and pop do you no okay right the band they were famously bob dylan's backing band oh very famous anyway okay anyway uh oh god i despair sometimes paul i really do no you despair all the time yeah i'm always despairing i think this is the coolest thing you've pulled out so far and also look it's in mint condition you've got an important notice how to take care of your reader's digest cassettes and uh we'll just go through these do not expose cassettes to direct sunlight or temperature

extremes she knows if you play cassettes in the car this is for you if you play cassettes in the car we should do not store them on dashboard or rear deck or wherever the sun's harmful rays can reach them we've all been there if a tape jams run it on fast forward or rewind doesn't matter which um for a few seconds to relieve tension. I love to do that, to relieve tension. To relieve tension in the cassette. Fast forward. Brilliant.

Now there's another problem. This is a problem a lot of cassette users experience. Don't use it. It's fine. Listen. You don't use the cassette player in your car. I'm fucking disgusted. We are not here to cassette shame you. It's fine. We. You don't use the cassette player in your car. No, listen. I'm fucking disgusted. Quiet. We are not here to cassette shame you, all right? It's fine.

We're all friends here. Cassette shame. Yeah, it's the new thing. Can I just, can I continue? Yes, go on. Yeah. This is my section. I know.

Price of shite. Thank you. Okay. A muddy sound. A muddy sound. A muddy sound, yes. Or unusually low volume generally indicates the need to clean the player's tape heads. Oh, yeah.

For proper cleaning method, please consult your owner's manual. And everyone keeps those, don't they? I've got all mine. I've got a stack of owner's manuals. Up to here. It's because I've got so many devices dating back to the 70s. Wow. Protect your cassettes by returning them after playing

to their snap lock cases. Oh, yeah. These are fucking mint. Look at that. Snap lock. Ooh. Ooh. Look, they've got ridges.

Watch this. Lovely. That's a lovely noise. It's got a nice action. So that is a mint condition set of four easy listening folk of the 60s and 70s cassettes

issued by Reader's Digest, manufactured in Canada, and yours for the price of... Sorry, go on, how much? Five pounds. Five pounds? Abigail says five. I would say two. Okay, now let's go backwards. 50p a cassette.

Let's go back. Now let's see who won, because I know you are... Fizzing. Let's go back. Now, let's see who won, because I know you are... Fizzy. Fizzy with anticipation. What do we get if we win? The satisfaction. Kudos. Okay, kudos.

All right. Okay, come on, Jesus. All right. I'm wondering. Jack Dusty says, post me today, it'll keep me forever, mate. Ahoy. Right. Use a China graph on me, mate.

Give us the price, you mental. Now, what did you say? I said 175. And you said? I said 25p. No, don't fucking try it. It's just been so long since I made that guess. He said 50p.

50p. Okay, 50p. It cost me, from Harrods, 99p. Oh. Do you know how much he sells it to Germans for? 2p. Yeah, 189. What a rip-off. But I got it for 99. So it to Germans for? Two pounds. 2p. Yeah, 189. What a rip-off.

But I got it for 99. So who wins that point? You do. For beating the system and getting a postcard for the price of 90. No, you said. I said 175. And you said. No, I said 50p.

I said 50p, so he's closer. One point to Paul. Thank you. Now let's move on. Move on to the basic needs. Right. Set of plastic forks. I said 99p.

And you said? One pound. They cost 45p. What the hell? Oh, I totally won that one. Yeah, you did. 2-0 to Abigail. No, hang on.

No, not 2-0. I got the first one. One all. One all. Who's keeping score? Not you because you're numeral literate. Hang on. I got it right. nil. I got the first one. One all. One all. Who's keeping score? Not you, because you're numeraliterate. Hang on, I got it right. You're the one getting the points wrong.

Shut your mouth. You fairy fucksock. Right, go on. Easy listening folk. I hope Kelly Clarkson writes the musical album to... To our love. To your rom-com. I hope she writes a song called Fucksock.

That'll be beautiful. Go on. Fucksock and the Muppet. Oh, my God. What a title. And it sounds like one of those indie films you see with a quirky soundtrack. And it's starring Rashida Jones or something. Could I play myself?

You often have to. Yes. Easy listening folk of the 60s and 70s in mint condition. The Reader's Digest. Yeah. You said five. You said two. Yeah. Price was two pounds. You said five. You said two. Yeah.

Price was two pounds. He's got it on the nose. Oh! And our winner, the winner of Price is Shite today, so it hurts me to say it, but it's Paul Gannon, everybody. That makes two in a row I've won that.

Yeah. Paul's good at this. I beat Ashton's. Paul's good at this. I'm all right with this. Now, does anyone have, like, a takeout sitting in the fridge? Does anyone want these delicious basic needs?

Has anyone got a basic need for some plastic clothes? Give them to the children. They don't have silverware. Or perhaps you have a blank spot on your kitchen wall, and you know, you need something to lift you up when you're doing the washing up in the morning. You got space for this in your life, anyone? Yes.

Yes. You think they're going to... I like the idea that you have to... Is it free? You can have that. You can have that. You have to buy it at markup. And that you can keep.

You can send that. You can send that immediately, or you could keep it forever. Forever. So, you know... That lasts forever. It's the gift that keeps on giving. And also, I think we're going to have to give

the easy-listening folk of the 60s and 70s you. Yeah. What's your name, madam? I hope that encourages you. What was your name? I've actually got something to play in my car now. That's a really long name. Oh, that's awesome.

So there you go. I hope in your car you have one of those cassette players that's attached to a Discman. Do you guys remember those? So you can play CDs in your car. They don't know what I'm talking about. They're like, a disc man? What's that? Do you want to know what? A DJ? Do you want to come back to my place and look at my mini disc collection?

Come on. It's sexy. They're like little tiny discs. It's so exciting to be at the show that Paul Gannon got arrested at. Seriously, Paul, you're going to get arrested. Last week, we did a relaxation tape. It did not go well.

So this time, me and Eli were going to do, for you if you're listening, an exercise tape. So we're going to do something that will motivate you to exercise with some music, and when you're listening to our podcast, you can work off a little bit of that

gristle right eli yeah um i'm just trying to get the record player working again is your old record player dying it's all right it's the wedge i put the wedgie back in you put the wedgie back in oh it's a very high-tech show this by the way okay so you've yeah there we go we're ready all right okay so this is um um this is just for just for the listeners at home or wherever they are. We provide a service. Last day it was relaxation. Now this is workout because a lot of people, you know, summer's coming, they want to get the fucking bod in shape.

Yeah, the glutes and the toots. The glutes and the maximus. And biceps. And the triceps and other muscles, yes. So to the listener, I hope you can get something out of this next bit. Should we play the music? Yes, let's do it. Let's start the exercise.

The Unclickables workout regime. Here we go. Okay, now, just shake it off, get loose. Now, just get loose. No, don't get them involved, fucking hell Let's start again Oh, fucking hell, I was getting into that then as well I like the fact that you sat down as well

Okay, let's shake it off Yeah, now, move it up and down And two, and five, and seven, and eight, and 23, and 19, and other random numbers. We're going to do jumping jacks now. Ready? And one, and jump, and jumping jack, and jumping jack, and jumping jack, and jumping jack, and... Feel the brrrr! Ooh!

You want to lose those pounds, darling. Yeah. Touch your toes. Oh, you can't, can you, you fat bastard? Just think about the cake you can eat at the end of this. Just burn off that sweat. I want to see 20 press-ups. Okay, get down on your knees.

And work your ass in the air. Wiggle it like one of those sexy videos. Wiggly, wiggly, wiggly woo. Oh, motivate your bum. Ooh, ooh. Wiggly woo. Oh. I don't know.

I've never done exercise before. You, you, just stop. It's not working. Oh, God. Give me a McDonald's. I'm sick of it. I just want to live shit to my mouth. I just want to live shit to my mouth.

Goodbye. Goodbye, L.A. police people. Don't report me. Don't fucking report me. Give me some food. Go get me some lard. I just want to eat lard. I just want to move my mouth.

I'll chop my legs off. I can't fucking move. I'll just wander around bleeding and pissing. Okay. No, that was deeply traumatising. I am getting a sweat on and you're having a major emotional breakdown. But tonight he's here to rip it a large one.

Please welcome on stage, with all the applause you can muster, Mr. Tom Parry, everybody! Yes! Hello. Oh! What a treat. Tom, thanks for coming along tonight. I don't normally get Andy Parsons, but I'll take it.

I'll take Andy Parsons. I normally get the guy Gervais' mate. Oh, Pilkington. Pilkington. I normally get Pilkington. Howases, mate. Oh, Pilkington. Pilkington. I normally get Pilkington. How do you feel about that? Which one would you rather have? You know, how do you always feel when a cunt shakes a bald person at you?

You just kind of go, oh, yeah, all right, he's bald. It could have been Peter Gabriel. Yeah, at least it wasn't Peter Gabriel. This is a fascinating evening, by the way. I mean, I'm happy to be here. I don't quite know what it is. Oh. I don't think anyone knows what it is. No, it evolves as we go.

I like it. But basically, it's a magazine. Well, it's a podcast record, isn't it? Yeah. It means we can relax on the having to make people laugh all the time part of the equation. It's just fascinating, that's all. It's a really weird thing that's going on. I'm enjoying it.

Yeah, I don't know. They're all right. Yeah, they're doing their own show. It's fine, isn't it? Right, so we're going to do an interview with you to ease you in. Bless you. Just a couple of questions. We just like to be informal and relaxed, so we've got a few questions lined up for you. Eli, are you ready for yours? Yeah.

All right, cool. Question number one, Mr. Parry. Yes. If you could be a doggy, what breed would you be and why? I would be the guy who did... Have you been on the internet today? Yeah. There's a dog they dressed up as a bear and put on a treadmill. And I swear that that clip is more popular than anything I will ever do in my life.

I wrote 12 episodes of a sitcom and it will never be as popular. Oh, it was bad alts on BBC 3. Yeah. I can tell you have by your facial expression. That sense of refined regret.

Yeah. I went on the Twitter link of this dog dressed as a teddy bear, and it made me go and look at the Twitter link of when my sitcom was on BBC3, and I just, I was so jealous of that dog. Just thought, that guy's got it nailed. He's got his finger on the pulse. I'd be him.

So, was it galling to find that a dog on a treadmill in a bear suit got more hits on YouTube than your carefully crafted sitcom? It was quite, you know, it was just a moment of self-awareness. It was humility. So, in season three maybe a scene with a dog on a treadmill? There's not going to be a season three. Well, at least you got one more

than Dapper Laugh, Scott, so well done to you, sir. Yeah. It's a hollow victory, I grant you, but still. Yeah, we didn't have like a hate campaign led against us. Alright, Eli, but still. Yeah, we didn't have a hate campaign led against us. All right, Eli, your question. So, do you remember I saw you last year? Do you remember that? Oh, a couple of times, maybe.

Yeah, the first time. Do you remember that? Okay, that's my first question. What, that's your question? Yeah, he sort of remembers all right okay yeah next question for me then name me your favorite movie starring steve guttenberg and it can't be three men and a little lady um police academy three that's a good choice the first four police academies were incredible do you think it was because of his attract they were at least as

good as a dog dressed as a teddy bear on a treadmill. Really? Yeah. High praise. I'm going to use that as a poster quote. All right. So I personally, the answer, you could have given me the answer High Spirits or the Disney Tower of Terror movie, but that's for next time. Wasn't he in Short Circuit? Yes.

Ah. He was the guy who didn't do the racist Indian character. Yeah, see that one. God. What happened to Gutenberg? Gutenberg, the last I heard... His face, it all lost its shape. It didn't look...

It didn't have the Gutenberg shape. Genuinely, did he get hepatitis? Oh. No, see, I believe it of Gutenberg. That's the thing. Gutenberg had a lot of action back in the day. Oh, yeah, he was a fuck monster. Absolute fuck monster.

Gutenberg is due a Tarantino comeback. Like, if Tarantino put him in his next film, and everyone would be like, fucking hell, I forgot about Guttenberg. And then he aces it and gets an Oscar. That's what he's due. He's fantastic. He's due a comeback.

You think? So, Steve, if you're listening to this, give us a shout. We'll put you in touch. He was on Celebrity Big Brother, wasn't he? Guttenberg? In the UK? I'm sure.

Or one of those, yeah. No. I don't remember. I'm sure he was. of those, yeah. No. I don't remember. I'm sure he was. That's a fever dream. He would have won it. You're describing. Guttenberg would have won it if he'd been on Big Brother.

Of course he would. Fucking with those tight shorts he wears. Look, I'm Guttenberg. How old are you? That explains that fucking question. There was this decade, right, called the 80s. There were things called movies. They showed them in sort of...

Who's Guttenberg? Guttenberg's like the Bradley Cooper of the 80s. Yeah, that's how I'd explain Guttenberg. Bradley Cooper wishes he was Guttenberg. Who's Bradley Cooper? Jesus Christ. You're 20, not retarded. Fucking hell.

Jesus. Right, so Guttenberg there, and the answer was Peace Academy 3. Eli, your next question. So, hell. Jesus. Right. So, Gutenberg there, and the answer was Peace Academy 3. Eli, your next question. So, Tom. Hello. I know you don't remember, but are you going to, you know, have you got anything sort of you'd like to

say to me? Thank you for inviting me to your weird evening. Thank you. Thank you, wasn't it? Thank you, wasn't it? Paul, you just continue. What are you fucking getting at, though? I don't...

Is this the last time we were... Was it? What are you getting at? No, it's fine. It's fine. We got drunk at a music festival. Did something happen? Oh, now.

Now he's remembering it. Now. Did something happen? Oh, is something starting to tinkle in the old brain plate? No, I can't remember. I remember being at a music festival with you and being really drunk, but I don't remember.

Just ask the next question. Just ask the next question. All right, fucking hell. Big Papa Hamster, fact or fiction? Oh. I have not listened to this podcast before. Fiction? Yes, it is, because I'm not allowed to say it's fact, listened to this podcast before. Fiction?

Yes, it is. Because I'm not allowed to say it's fact because that ends up being really fucking morally dodgy. Just shut up about it. I've got to shut up about Big Papa. I just think Big Papa Hamster's got a future. He's got a future behind bars, Paul. Well, maybe he has. Big Papa Hamster?

Yeah. Is he the Bradley Cooper of the gerbil world? Yeah, absolutely. He's more like, yeah, the René Zellweger of the rodent world. No, he's more like the Matthew McConaughey of the rat world. He's more like the Anthony Bourdain of the celebrity rodent sphere. He's like the Lars von... I don't fucking know where we're going with this.

Anyway, Big Pepper Hamster, Fact or Fiction? He says fiction, and that is correct. And your last question, Mr Silverman? Are you going to apologise for what you did to me at that music festival? What did I do to you? It wasn't sexual. Thank God. It was...

So, just... Go on. Just apologise. Was it something I should apologise for? Well, that's... Well, that's... That's... I mean, if you have to ask that question. Yeah, he is. I want to

fucking know what's going on. I thought we had a good time. Yeah, I thought it was a good time as well. Just apologise for it. Just apologise to him, Tom. I'll never... I'll never apologise. I'll never apologise. Elo, what are you going to do? You're not going to get an apology, Tom. I'll never, I'll never apologise. Elo, what are you going to do?

You're not going to get an apology, mate. I'm going to go and get Big Papa Hamster's loving. Sweet. Can we move on from Big Papa Hamster records? Let's move on.

In that case, a round of applause for Tom and his interview. Right. So there you go. Four lovely clips. There were some clips. Oh, and there was an audience and people laughed

and a merry time was had. And you know what? You, Mr. Listener, or Mrs. Listener, I'll point that out, Mr. or Mrs. Listener, can come along. You can come along to see us perform. They can come and see Cheap Show live. We're a live pod, usually.

Yeah, we're going to do one live and one pre-record now I think going forward I reckon okay that'll work we've got a few shows coming up in September but basically long story short

if you live in London and you want to come see us you can go to our website so if they don't live in London they're not allowed no not by well they can come in

it'll be expensive well they're allowed though I mean they're allowed to come we're not saying you're not allowed to come. Well, it sounded a bit like you were saying that. I don't want to sound like I'm turning people away at the door. If you live anywhere, jet in from the Arctic.

Yeah, fly in from Tennessee. Because the show's free. The show's free. All you've got to do is get your plane. Yeah. How much is that going to cost you? Nothing. Cheap show.

Anyway, the point being is that if you want to come see us live we perform in london monthly uh dates will be up online soon and if you want to know the latest show go to our website all the information is on our website now it's great and what's the website it's www.thecheapshow.co.uk What was that, Paul? It was www.thecheapshow.co.uk spelled T-H-E-C-H-E-A-P-S-H-O-W.co.uk Brilliant. And there are all the podcasts there to listen to live on the internet. You can go to our tickets page where you can buy,

not buy, they're free. You can pre-book tickets. Yeah, you can pre-book tickets to our live can buy not buy they're free you can get pre-booked tickets yeah you can pre-booked tickets to our live show we've got three in September one of them's in Liverpool so you know what else can they do

Paul can they subscribe yes subscribe if you listen to us subscribe if you like what we've got going on

subscribe you can subscribe on iTunes even if you hate us you can still subscribe and you don't have to listen you don't have to listen just You don't have to listen. Just subscribe.

Press the button. Click the button for fuck's sake. Make our lives worth living. Because I'm close to ending it all and Eli always is. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Mentally honest. Brilliant.

There's nothing funny about mental illness, mate. You're laughing. I'm laughing. I'm not crying. The laughing. I'm crying. The point is, you could save our lives by just pressing the subscribe button and you can subscribe to us

on iTunes. You can subscribe to us on Stitcher. You can even go and like us on SoundCloud where we host all our accounts. And if you've got a podcast app for your phone,

just type in Cheap Show. It's one word. Might be two depending on the podcast network you're using, but it's meant to be one word. That's a fucking point. This is a little look behind the scenes that they

don't need. They don't need it. Anyway, the point being is subscribe to us. We're a fortnightly podcast. I think we're good. I'd subscribe if I was me. And you can. So go to our website www.thecheapshow.co.uk or go find us on Twitter.

We're at thecheapshowpod. That's at T-H-E. No, it's all right. The cheap show pod. We have a little banter and we do things on Twitter and we have a right old time, don't we? We do. I also sometimes host a radio show, Paul.

Do you? Yes. Do you want to segue into that? It's online at Soho Radio. And the show's called Hidden Level. And it's my friend Virgil Howe's show. Virgil Howe, who's in the band Little Barry. Yes. Which is, amazingly, they do the theme for what?

Better Call Saul. Better Call Saul. The bit at the beginning of Better Call Saul. So, Virgil's show is Hidden Level on Soho Radio and I have guested on the show and I also

sometimes when Virgil is being a busy, busy rock drummer I have to Step in. I have to step in and host the show which I love to do.

And you do well. Thanks very much. So, yeah, check that do. And you do well. Thanks very much. So, yeah, check that out. Sohoradio.co.uk or is it.com? Mate, come on. Can I pimp my show? What are the details? I don't know.

I don't know. Go to online, search for Sohoradio, S-O-H-O. You'll find it, baby. Hidden level, Eli or Virgil. There's all the words you need for your search engine. Right. So, and you've got a Twitter account, isn't it? I have.

I have. Why is it our sign-offs are always protracted? We can't just go, hey, you like the podcast? Let's go to www.thecheapshow.co.uk or follow us on Twitter at thecheapshowpod. It's always this, well, I've got to think about this. I've got to do that. You know, in case you don't spell it right.

So, yeah, that's all I've got. All right, well, then you can follow us. Eli is Eli Snoyd, and I'm at Paul Gannon Show. And our third member for the live show, Ash Frith, is at Ash Frith. F-R-I-T-H. And, yeah, that's Cheap Show for this week. I've enjoyed it. I've kind of enjoyed it.

Yeah. And, yeah, follow, subscribe, love us, show us your love, get in touch with us, speak to us, show us that we're not just shouting into the darkness. Bye. Bye. We need a better sign-off. We need a witty sign-off. Okay. Can you think of

one? This is the Cheap Show, not a peep show. No, that's real bad. We've been cheap, you've been... Stay cheap. Stay cheap. Nah.