Chubby Behemoth - Airport Noises

Episode Date: July 3, 2021

Not A Paytch. De Niro’s Tits. This Summer... Luke Gaston Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

A couple days ago, there was a band at the Trinidad Lounge. And as they were playing, I was like, man, these guys probably formed in 2010 and want to be like, you know, the next Creed or Shinedown. And then they covered Lips of an Angel. And I was like, that was close enough. Really good. It's crazy you just assumed that any band wanted to be a Shinedown cover band. You're like, why would you start a band unless you were going to be the next Shinedown?

No, it's just that. Check one, two. Check this. Checkerooney. Dick. Radio rock. Check, check, check. That sounds good.

I sound great. You got that guy right there. All right. Oh, that sounds good. Sound good, Lund. I sound smooth. Well, you guys are ready to party whenever you want to party. Hey, we sound good here in the studio.

Singing songs that you know we wrote. We're the number one acapella Shinedown cover band. Hit them, Lund. Let them hold your hand. Two, three, four. Shine Down was a hell of a group. Shine Down. I like salad with my soup.

God isn't real and neither am I. So I'm gonna rock out until I die. Cause he's by Lunders. Secretly by. Why don't you give a try to guys cuz you're secretly by the secrets out I got gout yeah yeah we're in Fort Collins here it's what's the

name of the studio goof and studios goof and studios and where Elvis recorded live in Hawaii well he didn't record yeah. Well, he didn't record it, obviously. It was mixed here. Yeah. Yes. And also, you're secretly mixed, right? I am wide open. I'm an open book.

No secrets here. Yeah, and it's a nice studio. Thank you for having us. Our guest today, Luc Gaston. Hi. Good to be in my home. Yeah. Yeah.

We did you the favor. Don't forget it. All right? If you fuck this up, this is on you. So we both did recent episodes of your pod. Do you know the numbers? Was somebody... Let me guess.

Lund got five downloads, and I got 1,300. Pretty close. Okay. Fuck. Pretty close. Okay. Fuck. Pretty close to those numbers. God damn it. Once when he did your pod, you guys just talked about me. Oh, yeah.

That was like the first half, and it was like, oh, yeah, we should definitely talk about Sam for a while. Yeah. Because he doesn't get enough coverage. Well, you guys are sometimes a package deal, right? We are, yeah. The chubby brigade. Yeah. I mean, people, I think, I'm glad when people think about me,

they usually think about Nathan. And when people think about Nathan, they usually think about me. Yeah. I think that's nice. Yeah, no, it's good. We've also been completing each other's sentences all night and morning. So let's not act like it's not on purpose. Two for two, yeah.

We both called someone a coward at the same time today at breakfast. Was it the waiter? No, the waiter was cool, actually. He did try to take my pancake a little early. Yeah, he saw both of us and the way we ate our meals and then thought that we were going to leave one bite of pancake left. He's like, no, we're the Clean Plate Club. Yeah.

This is all going away i had a mouthful of food and he came for my pancake and i said leave the pancake and then he and then he like you know jumped and i was like i'm very sorry i literally said i'm sorry i scolded you just well with that pancake but then he said he needed to be better about it so this was an issue he needed to work on, which was just assuming people were going to leave food on the plate. And I was like, yeah, that is not your job. Yeah, he said, I forgot it was fat lard brunch. That one's on me.

I forgot it was pant load Saturday. We were the nasty nooners, breakfast at noon. I forgot two and a half men were here. You can just keep asking for syrup, too, if you want. Well, I was like, leave the bottle. And then my wife made an insane move. We got a ricotta pancake with lemon meringue on top of it and strawberries with syrup. And she was like, can we have some whipped topping?

And then he brought it out. He's like, do you mind if I just give it on the plate? And we were like, you know what this is. What do you think? We're going to fucking judge you? Bring out the whipped topping. He didn't want us to empty the can. He didn't want us to go through the whole canister, I think,

because he would have had to charge us. He didn't want us to Richard Belzer the whippets out of that can. Belzer loved it. He was getting whipped? I think it's a I'm dying up here or something where some comic goes to order a dessert at the club. And then they're like, oh, fuck. The waitress comes back and she's like, oh, I'm sorry.

None of the cans are working. Belzer was in last week. So Belzer would just suck the fucking nitrous out of the cans. That was his move. I've never done that before. Sounds like a good time. You've never reminisced about Richard Belzer? No.

This is most of what we do in the car on long rides. Remember when Belz wore blackface in the back of his comedy book? That is true. Yeah. God. He was dancing before dancing. Dude, that was the best when Stan Hope blasted him on the green room with Provenza. I've seen it, but it's been a long time.

Dude, so great. Belzer's like, what's merch you know all smug wearing sunglasses like a 3 p.m taping inside wearing a full full munch outfit yeah he's straight detective munch up in that bitch uh i got a hunch that i'm married to detective munch that's a song we sing in our house svu it's a program law and order svu oh yeah do you have a you have a girlfriend yeah so she watched that instead of sucking you off is that yeah i'm finished yeah but yes he's like what's merch and like no one laughs because it's belzer merch what do you mean what's merch i buying your comedy, how to do comedy book. And Belzer's like, tries to play it off like Jack Nicholson at a Lakers game.

Like he didn't write a book that he sold as merch? He's like, sorry, the 70s were a crazy time. It's also the same episode where Stanhope calls out Janine Garofalo for loving Bush after 9-11. Whoa. Yeah, he's like, she's like said something about Bush and he's like, I remember seeing you the day after 9-11 in Houston and he said we had to let, we had to support President Bush without any questions. And she was like, I would never say that. It's me, Janine Garofalo, uppity bitch. Solid Garof.

Thank you. I'm Byron Graham. Yeah, that, yeah, it was Byron Graham-esque Thank you. I'm Byron Graham. Yeah, that was Byron Graham-esque. That's kind of Byron Graham-y. Well, they have the same vibe. Byron and Janine, they just want to lecture someone about NATO all the time. They're just begging for someone to bring up the Geneva Convention. She's very small.

Very small, small, little person. Everyone loved her. Yeah. She was on Air America, right? Probably post 9- person. Everyone loved her. Yeah. She was on Air America, right? Probably post 9-11. Oh, yeah. With Marin.

Al Franken. Yep. I'm Al Franken. That was pretty good, right? Yeah. I mean. It's me, Al Franken. You used to have to talk like a puppet who had too much yogurt.

I'm Al Franken. I'm the senator. What's up with Minnesota? They elected Franken? And Jesse the body? Oh, yeah. What the fuck? Jesse the truck. I'm Jesse the bad eventually.

Hey, Jesse. It's me, Al Franken. And it's me, Janine Garofalo. Welcome to Air America. We're going to be around for nine months. We're going to... No. We're going to...

No. I'm Jesse the Batty. That's all I have to say. You have to say the person's name or else you lose it somehow. I'm Jesse the Batty Ventura. This is a pivotal moment in air democracy. I don't know if it's. Shut up, Frank, and I'll put you through the table.

That was it, man. That was Air America. Then you had Maren being like, so who are your guys? or America. Then you had Marin being like, so, who are your guys? Jesse was like, uh, well, I can't.

Start with, I'm Jesse Ventura. Get back on track. Get up there. I'm Jesse the Betty Ventura. I like the Iron Sheik. McMahon, this is a bunch of bullshit. No.

I deserve reconciliation for Coliseum video. Don't judge me. Remember when we saw Barry Switzer in front of his house? We did, yeah. Norman, Oklahoma. Do you know who Barry Switzer is? No idea, no. Luke, there's a phenomenon in this country called football.

All right. American football. American football. In some regions of this great big red, white, and blue tapestry, it dominates the zeitgeist. And we were down there in Norman, Oklahoma. Speaking of dominating the zeitgeist, Air America will never go off the air. I'm going to make sure of it.

Now it's just a prospect. I'm going to make sure of it. Oh, fuck. Barry Switzer coached college and pro football football he coached the cowboys for a while after jimmy johnson he coached oh you to university of oklahoma he's like a god in oklahoma he had a giant house we drove by it with tobias and didn't see him smoking weed in a neighborhood oh yeah 10 30 no it must have been like 9 a.m because because we saw Barry Switzer go out in front of his house to get his morning paper. He was coming back from, I think his brother, Gary, lives across the street.

Gary and Barry. Oh, yeah. That's what we were told. Was he in a nightie? No, he was wearing a robe, though. I remember him as a robe. Was he? I don't remember.

But, yeah, we drove right by him, and I just went, Coach. Coach. And he reacted as little as he could you know what i mean like the bare minimum of any reaction just like started to raise his hand up briefly and then put it back down like could not have cared less yeah he raised his arm with the same way that mccain did to put his hand on the bible at inauguration like when he became president yeah he couldn't get his hands up. Remember McCain?

You think McCain won in 08? He didn't. It would have been better if he did. This is not a Patreon. The truth comes out. Let me remind you. That was McCain. Did he do a good?

He's dead. He died a few years ago. The last thing he did was he voted for the American Care Act to spite Mitch McConnell. He voted no on repealing it. Yeah, just because he didn't. And it was a psych out. That was like Jesse the Body in 86. That was like high drama.

Yeah, everybody thought McConnell thought that he was going to vote to repeal. And then he did. Gave him the thumbs down right in his face. And Lund held his hand up like he could get it above his shoulder. Oh, yeah, he went real high with it. And then a broken elevator. Because of what those Vietnamese did to him in the Hanoi Hilton. He spent five and a half years in hell in that fetid jungle.

Can you imagine? Hanging out with McCain for five and a half years? He was just in a swamp in a cage 24 hours a day, except for when they take him out to torture him. And his hands were- Broke his arms. They had his hands over his head. Wow.

Bamboo shoved underneath his fingernails. Was the food good? I think the mice were good, but the rats were bad, is what he said. And they wanted to send him home early like mccain despite his politics which were pretty moderate actually in this fucking country uh he like refused to go home early from that pow camp because they once he got rescued well they know they wanted to send him home early because his dad was like a five-star admiral his father was like a very high ranking and they wanted to send him home for the good propaganda, and he refused.

He was like, no, I don't go home. I go home in the order that I got here in, is what all the troops would say. And he refused to go home early, which is pretty sick. And then they lit his head on fire. And then he, yeah. It sounded insane. How would you even want to put on a suit

and go to meetings and be, like, in the public? I would just, like, be in a garage doing a podcast. So it wasn't, like, Stockholm? Was it Stockholm Syndrome? No, no. He didn't take pity on his captors. He was like, this rocks. Five stars, Hanoi Hilton.

Yeah. Would recommend. He did say it was better than the Red Roof Inn in Shreveport, Louisiana, though. Remember, we stayed at a red roof in atlanta and it was awful it was terrible i think it was atlanta it was not atlanta it was in tennessee it was really bad it was like scary this dude was selling weed out of his room like just hanging out asked if we wanted weed we're like we're from colorado we brought some that was where bobby crane got so mad at me because my feet stinked that he went and spitefully ate Crystal Burger alone.

He ate it in the parking lot? No, he was like, wash your feet. And I was like, my feet rule, brother. I will not back down from the pressure to wash my feet. These feet walked the graves. At Arlington. Yeah, so Bobby's like... My cue is McMahon.

McMahon! These feet will not be washed until all of our boys are home safe. Who are you doing? I don't know. Ventura and somebody else. You're just doing like standard issue wrestler. Shut up.

I'm doing an actual voice over here. Jesse Ventura. No. No? Luke. It's deeper, isn't it? Don't get in on it. You're doing your Kyle Pogue again.

Yeah. 24-7. Do people blast you for sounding like Pogue? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm like Brant. I now have a beard.

I look like Brant Tobler, too, when I put on a hat. You don't look like Tobler. You're a chameleon. Nobody knows the real you until it's too late. Until you're inside of them god damn it until you're standing over their bed with a garrotte mine was murder

oh okay yours is murder again mine's murder again wait inside yeah it was sexual and that's what they did to McCain over there they just kept fucking piping gerbils into his open ass

they just kept giving him the Richard gear that instantly brings me back to a very specific time hanging out when that was like everywhere. It wasn't real. And we didn't really, the internet was like brand new, so you couldn't get like a definitive answer. I don't think that was true. I think it was all bullshit. You don't think it was true?

I don't think it was true. I don't either. I think it was malarkey. Yeah, I think it was hokum. To quote John McCain. You do one. Malarkey? There, I think it was hokum. To quote John McCain. You do one. Malarkey? There you go.

Oh, yeah. Nice. You know, then McCain came back from the Hanoi Hilton and fucking pumped his wife full of his daughter who has, she has them. Yeah? She's got fucking big old sloppy taters. That's why they called it The View, is that they were on display. Yeah. Her awful opinions and her giant milkers.

Is that the tagline? Yeah, well, most of The View was just Whoopi Goldberg dropping something and then McCain Jr. bending over to pick it up and being like, did I do that? I'm the baby. You've got to love me. Legendary pair. pick it up being like did i do that i'm the baby gotta love me she's a legendary pair she's leaving the view so she no more no more of the view unless you sign up for her only fans i would risk it all just to put her tit on a male scale just to find out just to put it on a postage scale and be like, error, no shit.

We don't have enough stamps for this in the entire county of Larimer. I'd love to cover her tit just in a bunch of stamps and just leave the nipple visible so I could have some milk for my coffee every morning. Just make her lay on the ground and step on her tit. Alright. It's not a Patreon. No, it's not. This is our farewell episode.

Still crazy after all these years. What a long strange trip it's been. That's my Jerry. They were a CIA psy-op. Did you know that? Gloria Steinem was. What?

I know that. I watched a video last night and said I'd go into bed. Yeah, he was up until 4 a.m. I was partying. Researching? No, I couldn't go to bed. Did you whack? No, I did not whack.

Did you spill seed in my house before I did? I thought about it for like three seconds, and I was like, no, not worth it. Sometimes after jerking it, I'll be more know, because my body is fucking stupid as hell. Yeah. Ready to wrestle. Can't process meat. Doesn't get tired after ejaculating. It's all just a just an inversion of what nature has brought us to.

Yeah. I'm a myth. I'm fucking. I go against thousands of years of evolution. Yeah. You're an example of how there is no plan for us. I drink coffee. I get a myth. I go against thousands of years of evolution. Yeah, you're an example of how there is no plan for us. I drink coffee. I get tie-tie. I jerk off.

I get all energized. You drink a Mai Tai. Does jerking off help the gout? No, nothing helps. Oh, no. There's no solution. You got to pound water. You got to elevate it.

You're supposed to take... There actually is a solution. It's taking his medicine that my wife gave him and then also drinking water not eating meat and he can't do any of them he had fucking two dr peppers at dinner last night and 55 shrimp and then he's this morning he's like the number keeps going my anky he literally goes from you only had when it's just us he's like you only had like 12 shrimp in that burrito, and there's no way he would even know. But he puts 12 out there, and then it's gone to 32 and now 53. I counted your crustaceans.

Whoa. Do it into the mic if you're going to do it. No way. Yeah. People love that. This is not my mic. You can do whatever you want to that mic. All right.

Whatever you want. Treat your body like McCain. Oh. Christ. God, dude. My ass my ass did my ass ditched so luke you have a lot of famous people in this room right yeah doing your pod we got tell us janine garofalo you had janine of course that was big for numbers who are some of your favorite guests you've had on your podcast uh kyle poke came on and said i'm quitting comedy yeah but if you listen to the episode it sounds like me talking it sounds like a monologue yeah Favorite guest you've had on your podcast? Kyle Pogue came on and said, I'm quitting comedy. Yeah. But if you listen to the episode, it sounds like me talking to myself. It sounds like a monologue. Yeah.

It sounds like you're having a fucking manic episode. I'm quitting comedy. Don't do it. How's Bandy? She's good. Oh, good. Hey, I'm Bandy's friend. Welcome to the echo chamber.

Yeah, but he's doing Joe Chela. So is he a complete liar? He will do stand up, but he's like, I'm just sick of doing the road and caring about it. He only does it because he's a former veteran when it's patriotic. So he's doing it on the 4th of July. He does it on Armistice Day. Yeah. He does it on the anniversary of Hitler's death.

Only when it's good. I wonder how long Pogue would last in a Vietnamese internment camp. Oh, God. He'd try to fuck his way out of that place. He would, yeah. Wouldn't he? Yeah. Here's a psyop for you. He'd be...

Hey, make a note. Wherever we're at. And we're back. We gotta cut that out. Not a peach. Not a peach. It's not a peach, McMahon. This is not a peach.

This is reality. McMahon, I'll see you in that flaming cage in Hanoi. If I win, Senator John McCain goes back in that fucking cell with a punji stick up his asshole. If I lose, I'll recreate his five and a half faithful years. Goddamn. Yeah. Doesn't he do the airport noises too, Jesse Ventura in Minnesota?

The airport noises. Beep, beep, beep. Another airplane coming in for a landing in the great state of Minnesota. Flying over the many lakes and now it descends and lands upon our tarmac. Welcome, airplane. You are in Concourse B. But are you really? Open your eyes, McMahon.

I was in Predator, but I feel like the prey. Don't pray for me. Don't waste words on an empty God. The flight Joan. The United Lounge is open 24 hours a day for five star members. Dr. Kev got to do the DIA train message, but I never got to hear it. It was always Hickenlooper, and I was like, yeah, who cares? Hey, welcome to denver especially

if you're a hot piece of ass it's me dr kent animal finger if you need pills and you're 120 pounds what i gotta work hey it's me dr kent welcome to colorado denver international airport if you need a 75 year old man to wear you like a mask. You've heard him talk for years. I know, but I'm doing fast. You're not even trying. Hey, it's me, Dr. Kev, man. Jesus Christ.

You've got a great Dr. Kev. I know, but he won't let me get in there. I was riffing. He's blocking me out. Yeah, I'm boxing you out, man. I'm trying to get boards. Box me out like Charles Oakley or Anthony Mason in New York in the 90s. Okay, let's hear your riff on...

Welcome to D.I.A. This is Dr. Kevin Fitzgerald. Hey, it's not me, man. It's Jesse the Body. He put me in the camel clutch. I'm starting to turn into my character, Jackie Boo Marshall. Oh, shit, the pyrotechnics guy? From 1981 until 2004, I was the premier pyrotechnic expert

for some of the biggest bands in the world. I'm talking Slayer. I'm talking Manslaughter. I'm talking Richard Marks. I'm talking Karl Marx. I'm talking Poison. I'm talking Poison cover band Antidote. I'm talking Cherry Pie. I'm talking poison cover band antidote. I'm talking cherry pie.

I'm talking Nashville pussy. I'm talking Tallahassee ass crack. My favorite one was. I'm talking fog hat and preeminent fog hat cover band hog fat. Yeah, a lot of times there was just letter switching going on. Yeah, you were doing my hat led zeppelin led zeppelin cover band heavy balloon heavy balloon cover band zed lepland he would do that like that was the debate show at vine street

which was one of the most legendary shows in denver because everyone had to do new shit every month we had to write for that show. So he would go up against someone who works really hard on their act the same way that I would. People would be sweating, drops of sweat hitting their notes. Like, oh, this is my big shot. It's like Ben Bryant. I made Connor Marshall cry so bad I crushed him on that show. I made Connor Marshall cry so bad I crushed him on that show.

But yeah, London, I'm going to go up against Jordan Dahl, who had a fucking musical number and a whole costume that he had made. Then London would go up there in a sleeveless shirt and be like, it's me, Jackie Martland. I would tuck in my shirt. That was my character work. I was tucking in a shirt. That got me in the zone. And then, yeah, riffing. You played the drums once you

didn't say a word for an argument and you beat ben bryant yeah guitars versus drums he just played drums for both rounds it's online and crushed yeah destroyed yeah jackie was a good one jackie boom marshall yeah that's what his friends call That's what that devolved into instead of my Dr. Kev. There he is. Oh, man. Oh, hey, Doc. He just snuck in. Watch out coming off the train because sometimes it'll bite you.

It'll take a real bite out of your ankle like you got gout. You got to be careful. Dr. Kev, you get out of this recording booth. Hey, watch out. I'll hit you with a piece of metal wrapped in leather. I call that the Altamont greeting card. Yeah, he was at Altamont. He wasn't there.

He says he actually has told us, Dr. Kev said, because he was a road bouncer security for the Stones for years. He wasn't at Altamont. Because they said he was too much of a liability. No, so that was part of the reason why they ended up having the Hells Angels there working security. Wow. Do you know about Altamont? Or are you just nodding?

No, I know that he used to be a fucking world-known vet, animal planet. And also he used to be like... Cunnilingus champion. Cunnilingus champion. Yeah. He was a boxer before he was secure so yeah he's lived several prolific like forrest gump type lives you know just you know shook several uh president's hands yeah he fucked a couple of their daughters yeah he yeah he he's

working on a book and i will read that that thing quicker than I did yours, Sam. Oh, so it'll take you, what, two and a half years? How many shrimp did I eat? Last night? Yeah. I don't know. You wouldn't let me count. I set a record.

You kept boxing out. You put your arms around it, and you put that towel over your head. I figured it'd be up to three digits by now, because you're the shrimp rain man. No, that's your uric acid count. It's up to three digits. I got three digits for you. Yeah, suck it. Re-between the lines.

Hey, re-between the lines. Your vagina lips? Yeah. Remember last night when you pretended like you had a 12-inch penis? Yeah, the old tape measure gag? You start acting like, you know, you pull it out to like 14 inches and you're like, all right, yeah, this is a good tape measure. Yeah, this is accurate.

Sanction this tape measure accurate. 14-inch penis sounds like, what? That's so much penis. Well, yeah, that's the joke. Well, Boom did pyrotechnics for that band. 14-inch penis. Technics for that band. 14-inch penis.

Or when they toured Europe. 14 and a half centimeters. I don't know the metric system. Solid conversion. Thank you. Two points. It's good. Who's excited for football? Football?

Yeah. You know, I played it. I just don't watch it anymore. You know? Typical. Chode alert. Trump told you not to watch football, and you were like, I don't like football anymore. Did Trump do that?

He's like, don't watch football. He shit on football because of Kaepernick. He was really big on shitting on football as a whole for, you know, the athletes dared to speak out, you know, about issues. One of these fucking assholes. the athletes dare to speak out about issues. One of these fucking assholes. He also has an ax because he was one of the investors in the USFL that went belly up after six months or whatever. I think it's coming back next year, 2022. That's Trump's big return.

Real football. That football is gay ad? Did you see that? No. Is that real? Oh, dude, yeah, because they had that gay player come out for the Raiders. I think got cut immediately. No, he better not have.

I think he got cut. Jesus Christ. He was a DN, solid rotational defensive lineman. But they put out an ad that said football is gay. And then it said, like, football is transgender and, like, football is inclusive. And I watched it and was crying because I love football so much. And I was glad they were being cool. And I showed it to Emily. She's like what are you fucking crying about pussy

I'll give you something to cry about you little bitch come over here put my foot in your mouth give you a noogie he said noogie and it was Pogue I showed it to her and she started crying too and I was like god I love you

I love football, dude. Yeah, football's good. Football rocks and rolls. I cannot wait to go to a Wyoming football game. They get down. That's the only thing they do. Cowboys from hell. Yeah.

Oh, dude, they do. They come out to Cowboys from hell. They play it every 10 seconds. Every first down, which for a while, they played three times a game. Yeah. I cannot wait, dude. I while they played three times a game. Yeah. I cannot wait, dude. I'm going to get the fucking box. I'm going to go crazy up in Laramie, Wyoming, brother.

Where football is still football. It's me, the Macho Man now. Macho Man's tough. Now it's actually me, Dan Soder. I've been doing all these voices. Yeah, Dan Soder. I'm Dan Soder. I'm on Billions. Dan Soder has a perfect. I'm Danny Nicki Minaj or something. I, Dan Soder. I've been doing all these voices. Yeah, Dan Soder. I'm Dan Soder. I'm on Billions.

Dan Soder has a perfect. I'm Danny Nicki Minaj or something. I'm Dan Soder. Perfect macho man. I do Soder. This is Soder, actually. I think I'm doing it now. My mom lives in Aurora.

Hey, Big Jay. What? What do you want, Dan? Nothing, Jay. I was just thinking. I think I'm having a stroke. I can't keep my voices apart. I'm Jay.

I can't do Jay. That's the trigger. It's just the name. Hey, this is Big Jay Oakerson, everybody. You know how people introduce themselves over and over and don't say anything else? People, if you think that I do that just for the bod, that's literally how I do impressions all the time. I'll be at home trying to figure out a new impression,

and Emily will be like, shuts the door, lets her boyfriends come in. Does she any impressions she does dude she does a mean pacino oh fuck it's awesome have you seen it no you haven't no no it's deniro sorry it's the dad from uh meet the fockers and she just does the face i have a video of it talking to me she does she said she can't do the voice. She can just do his face perfectly. Oh. That's funny.

Yeah. So that'll be perfect for the pod for you to show us a picture. I'll show you guys. No thanks. Why don't you guys fucking fill some time while I take a two second break. Time to regroup. Yep. Here.

Here's her doing it. Here's a photo of her doing it. Oh, she's topless. Oh, she's topless. You said it again. Yeah. Way to get it in. Oh, she's topless.

Oh, the listeners didn't hear it. She dumped him out. Yeah, she dumped him out. De Niro style. De Niro's got fat wands. Meet the milkers. Can you milk me? Clearly I can, man.

Yeah, you don't. Yeah. They're ready. Yeah, they're weeping. They're weeping with white tears. I didn't know it was a trilogy. That'd be rad. Oh, dude, yeah.

I would love to see De Niro's tits. Put my lips on them. Oh, man. What was I going to say about De Niro? Anyway, I think he's a good actor. Very controversial. Great tits. This is not a bitch.

Can I have some of that water? Oh, yeah. Thanks, man. Both of yeah. Thanks, man. Both of yous. Thanks, man. I'm all full. Got a soda stream here. Got to flush this fucking gout.

Yeah, you don't want to have too much water. Are you just like shooting wheatgrass and shit? No. Oh, dude. What? You think he's doing anything preventative? No. Emily prescribed me.

He had 75 shrimp last night. Prednisone. He was like, dare me, dare me. I broke the record for most shrimp eaten in a sitting at this Mexican restaurant on college. The one next to the club? Oh, yeah, yeah. Stop burping that way. Take the shrimp and then double it.

And that's how many I want. It sucks when you burp when I'm wearing headphones. Because it sounds like a dinosaur landing. It sounds like a pterodactyl. Off in the distance. Your water starts vibrating. Milk comes out of my tits. That's where they died.

They couldn't breastfeed. Laura Dern style. Did she milk? She was always leaking. She wasn't. Leaky Laura was her garbage pal kid's name. Was she hot? I can't tell.

She's pretty, yeah. She's attractive. I said, was she hot? I don't know that she was smoking hot, dropped. There's just so many examples of like. She was covered in dust in that movie. Remember how sweaty and dusty she was in Jurassic Park? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. She looked like McCain when he came out of the Hilton. Jeff Goldblum was the best part of that movie. Yeah. I'm Jeff Goldblum. God damn it. I'm Jeff Goldblum. I can't do Jeff Goldblum.

I'm Cheating Valley Girl. I'm Jeff Goldblum. I'm Jeff Goldblum. Oh, my God. That's a Tyrannosaurus. Everyone says that I rape But no one talks about it publicly Yeah what was that?

Is that true? Yeah There were like a few tweets Where it was like Goldblum's about to get it And I was like oh shit And then it never happened I don't know why

Yeah I wonder why He's good at backing out of conversations He turned into a fly And then went out the window He can put his fingers in people's mouths Is what i heard like girls would be like hey jack because his fingers would be in her in her mouth that's why he went by gold bloom instead of just gold because he knew that after they said gold

he would they have to say the second syllable that's when he could jam three digits he needed another syllable yeah to get in there well if you go Jeff Gold, you can't get him on the gold. You don't know if they're going to say your last name. Hey, Jeff, maybe. All right. But if you got Jeff Gold, you just fucking give him the mandible claw. Are you an archaeologist? Because you're digging right now.

Digging what? A hole? A hole of hilarity? What are you, Courtney Love? Because you're full hole. No, dude. I just fucking struck gold, and there's an oil well jumping out of this place there will be blood in this room right now you're all reaping the benefits you struck gold and oil

in the same hole where's my impression of a problematic guy on accident who doesn't know how to say certain phrases and colloquialisms and i'm just raping the benefits people are mad at him he doesn't get He's like what I heard it on the show But I'm also a vampire Why aren't you more mad About me feasting on virgins That was almost That was almost problematic

Because I thought you were doing A Jewish guy in New York Oh my god Nathan What That was you Pulling your head out of Luke's ass That was you I'm trying to impress Luke

By being edgy Edge gourd You even said I'm a vampire Before That was you. I'm trying to impress Luke. By being edgy. Edge gourd. You even said, I'm a vampire before you did the impression. I'm a vampire. What's the deal with me? Count Dracula. I'm a crime. A what?

A crime. Crime? A crime. You want a lime? The heim. So today we are in Fort Collins for one important reason. And that is because it is the 5th annual Jokechella Festival. Lund, what time is it?

2.20. So we made it, what, 50, 40 minutes, 30 minutes into the pod before you checked your phone for updates? I already checked my phone. Jesus, be present. I checked my phone earlier. I checked out. Sorry, Luke. Yeah, you checked out. for updates jesus be present i checked my phone earlier i checked out yeah you check out check out my phone oh let's see how that tweet's doing that emily tweeted and it's my most traction i've ever got yeah unfortunately that's not completely off base is there a chubby behemoth episode that's just buried because you're like we can't release this no no there has been like massive massive swaths cut out because we've talked about

our friend who is in law school yeah that's been the main thing is just yeah protecting our friend so that there's no like repercussions just for partying not like anything super crazy but he didn't gold bloom anybody no his hands are his last name only has one syllable. That's the issue. His hands are free of stranger's saliva. Yeah. But yeah, that's been the main thing, yeah, because most of the shitty things that Sam says, we just cut out real quick, nice and easy.

I don't say anything too bad. If I do, it's in a jovial, hilarious manner. It's a character. It's a character, yeah. It's called Nathan Lund. People don't understand that I'm doing both voices on this podcast. Dude, for real. You got what you wanted and you're still upset.

I don't like when I have headphones on and you rip the scab off of hell's yawning mouth. Remember that fart I had outside? Yeah, it sucked. It was pretty cool. We were outside and it still smelled in my nose immediately. That's in the outside. It's not confined. It didn't make any sense.

It was targeted. It was like McCain's idea for the military, a lot of targeted strikes. Right. Yeah, Lund was like, wow, you're like most guys. You think you're six foot away, but you're actually 5'8". There was a comic that tried to act like that was their joke on the show I did where I took a pint glass to the head. That was not the most egregious thing that happened that night because someone was like, oh, yeah, guys are not good at being six feet away

because they think that they're six feet, but they're really only 5'10". In a joke book, it it says hold for applause wait for wait for key to the city to be bestowed upon you let let let let the laughter breathe let freedom ring oh we have to do our sponsors real quick hey london you like me not in any discernible way nothing that'll hold up in court it depends on how blurry the security camera footage is yeah I'm just like you so I'm tired of your bullshit I didn't ask if you were like my wife.

Tomorrow's the anniversary of her father's death. That's going to be a rough one. Why? Well, it's not a fond memory, Luke. We don't wrap garland around the tree. Luke, asking the tough questions. Why would she care? Yeah.

You fucking nihilist. Who cares? What gives? Why worry? What's his name? Alfred E. Newman? Alfred E. Newman. You're a real

Alfred Newman over here. And that's our sponsor this week is Mad Magazine. Mad Magazine. It's back. It's back. And it's worse. It sucks.

It's less racist and less funny weird how that works still problem matter i had a subscription to mad magazine and cracked i remember that's what you call your education that for my schema of humor that i have in my brain and uh schema you know what that means it's a type of fish no no it's like iterate people keep saying iterate and they keep saying fucking time to take time to take your heart pill uh guess what it's not gonna work i've got a death wish this summer emily gave you a placebo you're in a you in a trial. I'm taking a sugar pill for my diabetes. It's weird how that works. I'm married to a woman who's a doctor.

Now I've heard everything. Weird. Which foot do I like less? My ass hurts. I've been gold-blown. Were you angling for something with a sponsor? Were we supposed to do body doubles? No, no.

I was going to riff, and then you just shat on the one thing I was going to do that was going to be funny this whole episode. I was waiting for a blue chew or something. No, we don't do sponsors because they don't want to give us money that's kind of the thing that's the one to hold up i did noah and jacob ruff's podcast which they did like five episodes and then got sponsored got it got to be a part of a well it's because they're on the basketball basketball network right so they're sponsored by draft kings and they're really fucking moving a lot of units for draftingraftKings. Yeah, people are losing everything. Yeah, that massive listenership that Noah and Rupp have.

Well, if you bet money on the Nuggets to make it to the finals, you lost. DraftKings wins. But if you bet on Nikola Jokic to be the MVP like I did, you stacked up cash. And now you don't need anyone. You can walk away from every relationship you've ever had. When did you make that bet? Early on. As soon as LeBron got hurt about 40 games

into the season, I said this is my shot at walking away forever. Now I don't need you. Luke, suck my dick. Featuring Nathan, eat my butt. Is that a movie trailer guy?

And guest starring Emily's a bitch. That's right. That's good. Right there. I'm rich. I made $600. Now I'm out of here, sluts. Featuring Mom, I hate you

The gloves are off, mother Sophie wet her bed when she was 14 And I took the bullet What? You covered for her? I covered for my sister I said I did it from the top bunk With Jeff Goldblum

It drained out And in a reprisal role I said I did it from the top bunk. With Jeff Goldblum. It drained out. And in a reprisal role in a comeback performance for the era, Jesse the Body Ventura. Hey, it's me, Jesse the Body. That's the voice. This summer. Dude, we were at The Descent.

Remember The Descent? Yeah. That really Descent? Yeah. That really scary movie? Yeah. And me and Bonzo and Krusty, all my friends went to see it, and we all took LSD. And instead of it freaking us out, we just sat in the front row and did that voice the whole movie. And I think the big panultimate one that finally got us kicked out of the theater was, This summer, Bonzo goes back to college to college but twist he's also a bicycle yeah so it was us on lsd doing that voice while the descent went on and a bunch of people were

furious it's very every now and then quiet tension building movie yeah and we were yelling descend descend harder then some guy yelled at us and jr stood up, and he was like, oh, fuck you, right now. And then we were like, this summer, JR fucks a dad in front of his daughters at the Descent at 20 Mile Theater in Parker, Colorado. It was terrible. Too much. Yeah, this summer, Ponzo goes to college. Fucking teens.

But he's a bicycle just screaming it yeah it was fun man i love that voice i miss that voice it's not in the movies anymore it's not died yeah he died oh yeah you have a shot you could fill that gap coming this fall fall not bad no do it not as Pogue coming this fall your real voice yeah that's how I really talk I'm Luke I'm a little Franken hey it's me Luke y'all

can I be Frank in I sleep in someone's mouth I'm two inches tall I'm like that alien in Men in Black 1 that's in the head that's right dude yeah that That's right, dude.

Yeah, that little guy, Little Quampo, whatever his name was. What? Little Quampo? Little Quampo? Are you thinking Quatto from Total Recall? Oh, Quatto, yeah. There it is. Yeah, Quampo, Duengas, these are all fun names.

I thought about calling you Quavo on the drive up, which is a guy from Migos. Yeah, I know. But we usually do the Q-U as a fun sound. So he's on to it. He knows about it. Quave. Quavo. Quango.

Quambus. Quibus. Quendin. This is fun with phonetics. Yeah. What's your go-to hilarious fake name, Luke? Oh, fuckface. Jesus, dude.

This is the biggest listenership you've ever had. Oh, I don't know, dude. And you're going to hit him with that fucking first fake bullshit? I try to be honest on stage, Sam. Why? I don't know. It hasn't worked for any of us. No.

Luke was on that show with those rich people. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Where they were really mean to him. Yeah. It wasn't his fault. They were just fucking jerks. Oh, yeah.

That was not a good setup. No. For anyone. Those people, if they are the majority in a crowd, they're going to fuck it up. And for them to be all of the crowd was just i mean well the gal who booked it too was just like like the middle of the setup she's just like what well i'm doing the the the talent show i'm paid to do right now ma'am yeah but she's like what are you doing i don't get it oh i see jesus Yeah, it sucked. You did that joke about being peed on or peeing on someone,

and they were like, oh, my God. Purple alert. Then she stopped. She took her feet off of the caterer's back, who was acting as an Ottoman, to walk away. That one lady kept talking in Spanish, even though she was not Spanish. Oh, shit.

She'd be like, ay, ay, ay, what a incasarito. This guy's for loco. One of the husbands I know after the show was like, wanted to go like, I'm sorry you guys came to this particular house. That was rough. Yeah, I just went up there and was like,

who makes the most money in this room? This summer, someone has to answer the question. What is the hierarchy? Who's rich and who's pretending? Who's fucking who? Who won money on the Jokic for MVP thing? You're like, I'm one of you. I have $600 in my FanDuel account.

I think I told them I was rich. You sold all those books, but you're talking about the Jokic money. That's more real. Well, that's money that I earned. You wrote a great book. The book thing was a lock. The odds on that would have been minus 600. Luke, do you like to sports gamble?

No. You're going to hate our sponsor, DraftKings. Close the window. Open the door the door lun's feet stink this summer lun's got a foot infection i told noah and jacob i'm a fan dual guy they didn't like that i was trying to get them to be dropped by draft kings by mentioning their competitor they were clearly both dropped on their heads as infants. A couple of chodes. Yeah, God. Can I get two chodes? You got it, the Lord.

That was God ordering Noah interrupt from the factory. Hey, two chodes coming in hot, God. You got it, Yahweh. When I was telling Noah about my pint glass encounter, I mentioned how I made fun of this dude. Do you know what happened? No. Did you listen to the pod?

I made fun of this guy. It was a Patreon, right? I don't know. Yeah, it was. I made fun of this guy at the Irish Snug last week, and he whipped a pint glass at my head. And he was mad at me because I had a shirt on that said, Denco sucks.

I thought it was for Denver, Colorado. Turns out the guy that made it was talking about Denver County jails. But me and this guy in the crowd did not know that. This dude was very small, like a short kind of small guy, so I ripped the shit out of him for being tiny, which short guys hate. That's the nuclear option. When I was telling Noah, he was like, oh, man, short, huh? Was he like my height?

And I was like, yeah. He got very crestfallen. He was hoping the guy was like 5'1 or something. And I was like, no, he was like your size, you know, tiny. Not really a feet. Not a fully grown person. Not a man. Not a girl either.

Between the realms. A little tadpole of a person. Shouldn't be allowed to vote because of how person. Yeah. You know, shouldn't be allowed to vote because of how small you are. You don't know anything. Not allowed on a roller coaster or to touch a woman's breast. Affected.

Affected by the wind. You know, you can't get where you're going because it's windy out. Afraid of birds at night. They might have to carry you away to their nest and feed their young.

Noah was hoping that I was going to be like, oh yeah, no, you dwarfed this dude. Yeah, no, this guy was was fucking tiny you would have towered over him and also you draft king yeah if you're worried about who noah is remember that guy who bombed on the live app trinidad oh total skid mark dude yeah he fucking got brown all over town it was chocolate sundaes in there we were in in a funeral home. It's like someone sat in a cake.

He was so bad. The proprietor of the funeral home tried to keep him because he died so hard. He was like, no, clearly I need to arrange services for this young man's family. After Patrick Richardson's happy birthday show, he was just hammered, chasing Noah. Like, I'm going to stuff you, little boy. Just tried to chase him around. Yeah, Patrick gets uh male rapey turned up he gets turned he gets primal yeah he gets flipped over did you guys switch shoes i don't

know oh yeah but then i was like i don't want these these suck he had like velcro new balances that are for people who are gonna they're either gout shoes well they're either well they're gout shoes or it's for people who are going to kill themselves in prison, or they, like, you know, cope their spies, as we say in our parlance. Aren't you afraid you might get gout? I am, every day. No, because I'm not a total pussy.

If your dad or, like, people in your family didn't get it, you're less likely to get it. Alert! Does gout run in your family? Does anything run in your family didn't get it. You're less likely to get it. Alert. Does gout run in your family? Does anything run in your family, you load? You may be entitled to a free coupon to Old Country Buffet. Why don't you do your funny... Misothelioma.

Oh, yeah. That's his favorite soup. So, Patrick and I switched shoes, but I demanded mine back. After you smelled his? No, his were just crap. Why did you, you couldn't see that they were Velcro when you first switched? I thought they might have been, like, comfortable inside, but they were flattened by his giant fat body. By his lard-ass to me.

No, Patrick rocks. He rolls. He loses control. Yeah, he's fun. He's fun, man. He was kind of... He should play me in the biopic. He was kind of on the outs,

thinking about breaking up with comedy, Pogue style. Yeah. Not really. Faking it for the attention online. For the like. For the noties. Pogue was so brave. He's like, I'm going the attention online. For the like. For the noties. Pogue was so brave.

He's like, I'm going to quit comedy. During the pandemic when no one was doing comedy. What a hero. It's my time. Yeah. Yeah. No, I think. Send him to Hanoi.

Pogue is logical and like an adult. So instead of having that like dreamy, anything can happen as long as you believe in yourself. He was like, oh oh if you're funny you should be rewarded and get opportunities and when that didn't happen very quickly he was like wait this is bullshit and it's like yeah no no shit also it doesn't make sense poke should not quit comedy so many people should quit comedy i told him that i was like look dude if most people posted this i'd be like hell yes good glad you sobered up. More notch. Yeah, but no, Pogue's funny. Right, yeah.

The funny comics are often the ones that end up getting frustrated because it isn't all about being funny and working hard. A lot of times it's like, who you know? How late you stay out? It's about being funny and being a tart. How much do you reply to the right people's tweets or whatever? There's so much stupid. If you say everyone crushed.

Social malarkey going on behind the scenes to like This summer, no one was funny. This summer. Nobody crushed ever. The show wasn't sold out. In a world where everyone usually crushes. The pictures are only of the stage. How many people were actually there?

You're less of a comedian and more of a creative photographer. The photo is perfectly framed with three heads in line so that it looks like it's full. You photoshopped this. I went to an open mic Thursday and it was... Story alert. I went to an open mic Thursday and it was uh oh story alert

this just in this just in hot off the wire Luke's got an anecdote we counted 37 fucks in a three minute set for one open mic or set was it Sammy Pissioto?

Sammy Capicola? Sammy give me a cup full of Pissioto? Johnny Gobblegoo? was it Sammy Goombabo? Yeah. Sammy, give me a cup full of pissy on it. Johnny Gobblegoo? Was it Sammy Goombabo? All of those. Some guy from Nebraska, he's like, I sell fucking cars and I'm out here with my fucking wife. I'm having a fucking panic attack. I don't realize how many fucking times I'm saying the fucking fuck word.

I don't want to fucking be on stage, but I promised my dad I would on his fucking deathbed. My wife said I had to fucking follow some kind of fucking passion, so I'm not just fucking screaming in the garage all fucking day. Yeah, keep it going for Johnny Fuck. Story alert. And that's the end of the story alert. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

And transmission. Yeah, it's been crazy to see the, like I was at Wide Right last Wednesday or whatever. And during the open mic. And there's just people coming up to Paisha like, yeah, man, I've been doing it like two weeks. And it's like, oh, okay. So you started at the end of phase one of the pandemic you know just stay fucking home what are you doing watch netflix just be a person survive no now is the time to gum up the works of the denver comedy scene but hey you know maybe it'll prevent him from shooting up a farmer's market so yeah it's not all bad it's a mixed bag these new dudes trying stand up yeah oh yeah a lot of goblins

came up last year add your voice to the fucking scream the scream chamber start a pod. Meandering observation alert. Fuck you. Yeah, no, everyone should do whatever they want, man. Shut up. Have a little bit of fun in the sun. You just thought that you were fucking Socrates from on high the Acropolis telling the peasants that some funny people quit comedy and they shouldn't. So shut your fucking dick. Well, you know what? It gets lonely in this ivory tower.

Just throwing out pearls of wisdom. Pearls before swine. Like ropes have come. I don't rope. I come in three little dots. Ellipsis style. I come like Morse code. To be continued.

That's a t-shirt right there. Morse code. Hopefully you guys liked the letters I sent you guys for this month's Patreon exclusive content. Did you send them a shirt too? No, I sent them all a short story that no one's read but me.

What about the fucking shirt? Who cares about the shirt dude? You're supposed to send shirts. I didn't want to spend $12 because you know. I spent $60 yeah well it doesn't come out of my pocket I would have covered it no you wouldn't

you were supposed to send those fucking shirts they got a better deal they got fucking short stories they got 12 words about a kid getting fucked to death no they got 3 and a half pages of a bunch of kids getting fucked to death and it saves them. It ends up being their salvation.

Short story alert. This one's called Wind of the Willows. This one's called Daddy Don't. This one's gritty as hell. This one's called Saying It in Prose Doesn't Count. It was a character. The character is problematic. I'm just commentating.

I'm just the author, so I can call them that all I want. I am God. I am the creator of squirrels. I hand out gifts and punishment. I smell my nut. Does it smell like the other one? Check that one out, too. There's a lump.

Oh no, it's cancer. I should have started stand-up earlier. I wasted so much time. This summer, a man finds a lump. Featuring Jesse the Body Ventura. Oh God with Al Frank It's a lump Jesse

It's a lump It tastes like anything He's a fucking cartoon He's a children's cartoon Disney Pixar presents Lump. They have a ride at Disneyland called The Lump Experience. Time to get in the MRI.

Uh-oh, it doesn't look good. The line to get in is just a waiting room. Yeah, you have to fill out a form. I don't know. What did my fucking uncle die of again? Oh, no. He was lumped up. Lumped beyond belief.

He's more lump than man. Yeah. Where are we at time? We're at 58 minutes. We're cooking, daddy. Oh, fuck. All right, if you're in Kansas City, come see me at the Comedy Club of Kansas City next weekend. I'll be there featuring this lump.

Come diagnose what this lump is. Get a picture with a lump. Hey, will lump be there Get a picture with the lump. Hey, will the lump be there? Meet and greet with the lump. Hey, it's me, Lump. Come on, check it out. Who's playing the lump in the movie? Featuring a Q&A with the lump.

Hey, you owe me, Lump. Even I have to do an impression of myself and say my own name. That's my game. You can't even do a made-up Lump character of your own creation without starting with, hey, folks, I'm Lump. I think I dialed it in. Hold on. Hey, hello, I'm Lump.

Lump, Lump, Lump. And then I'm in Fargo, North Dakota the following weekend, so that's great. While I'm going to be doing Lucha Libre and Laughs with Mitch Jones? Yeah, you have the fucking store brand Sam. God damn. I'm kidding. I love Mitch. He's back.

Safe ways to life. He came out of his hole. Is he on the shows tonight? I don't know. Yes, he is. Is he going to bring that headband? Mitch J in the house. Mitch J, he's in the house.

He put the lump inside his mouth because he thought it was a crouton. Don't let him near your crouton. He'll hump it. Richardson and you and me. It's a real lump-a-thon. Yeah, dude. It's lump. Lump-ch's a real lump-a-thon yeah dude it's lump lump chela uh luke anything you'd like to plug holy fuck goofed podcast you guys shut up you want to plug my burp hole with your fist.

I want to check your tonsils for lumps. No, Luke has a podcast called Goofin'. And you should all check it out for the episode I was on and not the one Lund did. Come on, bump up my numbers. Come on, feel the lump. Lump up my numbers. And if you do have testicular cancer or you're worried about having it go get it checked out by finding me at one of my shows and putting your balls directly in my mouth

I'll suck that fucking festering wound right out of there and our patreon rules if you like this kind of episode good God get on the page because holy shit does it get off the rails crazy. Sam's committed to crisscrossing the country, going to all the hot truck stops and back alley comedy shows in the north that you can imagine. So we've been focusing on getting at least the Patreon episode out. This is a non-page, of course, for the masses. Speaking of lumps, this one's for all you lumps out there.

Yeah. Near and far. But yeah, we're trying to get back to two a week. Sam promised we would get four free ones in a row. He blew that promise. So now he owes the world a favor. Oh, you're fucking reminding that twisted psycho on Reddit? It wasn't just one twisted psycho. It also wasn't. It was a favor. Oh, you're fucking reminding that twisted psycho on Reddit? It wasn't just one twisted psycho.

It also wasn't. It was a fan. So thank you for calling us out when we're failing you. I do appreciate being held accountable, unlike Nathan, who thinks he's above the law. I'm trying to hold you accountable. I'm trying to hold you accountable. You're texting Luke to try to get that part taken out of the episode. Yeah, no, please.

I'm looking at Luke in the face. This isn't a recap. This isn't a fucking wind down, shine down. Yeah, but hey, if you want to get on the Chubb Reddit and, you know, vote for what my punishment should be, whether it's being paddled with Bibles or having to eat more shrimp than one, you know, maybe it's just giving, you know, maybe I have to fucking pay the terrible penance of fucking all your wives. Whatever it may be please get on there and vote

but get on the Patreon man chubbybehemoth.com slash Patreon no patreon.com slash chubbybehemoth for all that hot liquid content you know us you love us you want us to fuck each other secretly and that's why

you listen to this? That's going to be the punishment. That's not for you. That's going to be a win. No. I'm going to fill you up. I'm asexual. We'll find out.

You suck.