Chubby Behemoth - Ballad of Topknot

Episode Date: October 22, 2020

Pants Yourself. Thought they were chocolate. Mallion.   This weeks sponsor Hold The Phone! https://holdthephone.tv/     Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth.

You won the poll. We did a poll on the Chubby Behemoth Instagram, Chubby Behemoth Pod. Congrats, I guess. I made the poll, and I just wanted it to be close. You probably think that that's me trying to save face. I literally just wanted to not get destroyed by you, by the Chud Nation, the ZamT Squad, from the outskirts of the third most populous city in Iowa. And the Gulf of Mississippi.

Look, Cedar Rapids and Biloxi love me. I know. And I knew they would come out strong. And I just didn't want to, especially because I thought up the poll. I did not want to get trounced and so and I was winning for a second I'm drinking ginger ale you also ate a bunch of fish skin

it wasn't that that's making me burp it's the ginger ale the skin doesn't have bubbles in it the way you chew it it does I turned it into a frothy mixture yeah your mouth's like a smoothie maker I just push it out of The way you chew it, it does. You look what you... I turn it into a frothy, frothy mixture. Yeah, your mouth's like a smoothie maker. I just push it out of my clenched jaw, just back and forth between my gums. Ew.

Oh, man. Just erode it. You know what's going to happen is you're going to get hit with all that fish skin halfway through this and be rock hard. I didn't need that much fish skin to raise this old thing. To raise this dead dick dog. Yeah, man. The president's been shot for a year and a half.

He's been in half-mask for a while. He needs a day nurse. I do want to tell the Chubhub Nation thank you for letting me win that poll that didn't mean anything to anyone else except for me because it would have

haunted me and initially I tried to cover I was like yeah it's pretty funny everyone gets that I can't take a loss I'm glad everyone's

voting for Lund I said that in the group chat secretly seething and I went through I was like oh good my sister and my wife voted for Lund

very good yeah that that meant a lot And I went through, I was like, oh good, my sister and my wife voted for Lon. Very good. Yeah, that meant a lot. Do you know what they did to hurt me the most? It had nothing to do with you. It had everything to do with me. No way. They're on my side, and they finally had a chance to show support, and they went with their hearts.

Everyone's on one side of you, because you're so huge and fat. When me and Emily were London, Becker parked the car in front and I was like, hey Emily, when Longin's out of the car, say,

what's up fat Lund? And she was like, why would I say that? And I was like, do it for me. To be mean? Yeah. Do it for me.

Yeah, come on baby. To hurt my best friend's feelings, that's why. Well, Becker would have loved it. He went To be mean? Yeah. Do it for me. Yeah, come on, baby. To hurt my best friend's feelings, that's why. Well, Becker would have loved it. They went on a nice night walk. Yeah, well,

Emily's so fucking busy, so we like, you know, she got off work, and then she had to go crank six beers with her coworkers, but then she finally got home, and she's,

you know, texting homos, telling them about their Lipitor or whatever. Homeowners? Homeowners, yeah, excuse me, homeowners. Oh. Yeah, she only works with rich people. Yeah, no renting allowed.

I was on that couch just bothering her for like an hour and a half while she was doing her notes from work. I kept being like, look at me. Who am I? I'm you. You're a baby. Give me some milk. The baby wants milk from the baby. Like, popping her tit out the top of her shirt. Just slapping it away.

No, no. Come on, you're the older baby. You make the best milk. And I was like, do you want some milk? And I whipped my tit out and tried to shove it in her mouth. She tried to bite me, but her teeth are too small. out and tried to shove it in her mouth. She tried to bite me, but her teeth are too small.

Meanwhile, you just forced her to not write something down that will cause a death. Yeah, exactly. Tomorrow, somebody starts crashing and she's like, God damn it, didn't you re-up their fucking steroids? She's like, well, my husband needed some milk.

Yeah, she just prescribed Warheads instead of Warfriend. How about Warheads, man? Whoa. They're not like they used to be. Okay, here we go. Candy expert. Yeah, I got the FDA stepped in. There are too many 10-year-olds that

are just dropping dead. Yeah, their heads exploded. Now that you say it, it probably was the new batch of kids being like, my tongue's bleeding. No, it was the fact that your tongue used to work before your 40 cigarettes and 15 mini taco regimen. No, even my nephew can pop them in like it's nothing. They're just not sour.

It's not as abusive to your mouth like they used to be. They scaled them back. Look, I've tested the limits of your nephew's mouth alright he can take a load alright he's got a tough jaw I figured you were going to bring up your nephew

because you've been talking about him on stage I don't have a nephew that's one of my classic bits where people are like how old's your nephew and I'm like I'm lying to you you fucking idiot way to eat my slop, you fucking asshole. And I hold them down and fart on their chest. I'm like, hey, you ever seen anyone pants themselves? That's a fun bit.

Pants yourself so you can't go to jail. So you can't go to jail. Yeah, exactly. It's like a Double Jeopardy type thing. Yeah exactly. It's like a double jeopardy type thing. Yeah, you're like, well, I got pantsed. What was the deal with that guy that was... He was jerking off on Colfax at Emily. Oh, my God, yeah.

And you went over and shook him down, pantsed him. I did. Helped him. You pulled his pants up so that you could pants him again. Yeah, he tied his drawstring real tight around his neck. What did you say? You yelled something at him, didn't you? Like, oh, you want to jerk off now?

Yeah, let's jerk off in front of me. You hard now, brother? You hard when the man has his hand on your dick? You grabbed his dick. Yeah. This is between me and him. Come for me, stupid. I think you can cum so much.

You love cumming? Do it in my palm. No, yeah, so it was a, you know, a Colfax Street person. You know the guy. We've seen him. I used to hang out with him. Yeah, exactly.

What are you talking about? Don't make it sound like I'm running with this guy. He was in your crew. Me and the devil. We used to run together. Oh, devil. Oh, hell yeah. He's always whipping it out. He was in your crew. Me and the devil. We used to run together. Oh, devil. Oh, hell yeah. He's always whipping it out.

He was the leader of your squad. He used to give piggyback rides to Popeyes. No, so he's just a guy, a homeless guy, and he's wearing sweatpants and he's coming across right there at Washington

and Colfax, where you live, in Denver. What? I'm gonna beep out what he says right where you live. I didn't give a street address. Yeah, it's not 1554.

You always get it wrong. One lives in the police station. I live in the shadows. He's the county Monte Cristo. There's a half in there because I live below deck. It's a houseboat.

So this guy's crossing, and he pretty much hits us with a guess what type situation. Me and Emily are walking. We're about to get some deep dish from Sliceworks before we go have butt sex. I like deep dish before deep squish. That's my thing. She was about to strap it on and hit me with the old cannoli. But, uh, so I'm crossing and he's like, hey, look at this or whatever. You know, hey, peep these deets.

Breaking news. Hey, ASL. Yeah. Like he's online in the 90s. That's right. He's doing American Sign Language. He's a chick. Age?

54. Sex? Please. Location? I'm getting there. Six feet away. You're 12 o'clock. age 54 sex please location I'm getting there six feet away you're 12 o'clock location

right behind you yeah and he he headed out he flopped his sea urchin over the top of his soiled green sweatpants so this guy

that's what happened so she my wife's upset and I was like oh come on brother you know I was trying to reason, and I was like, oh, come on, brother.

I was trying to reason with him. Listen, man, I know she's pretty cool looking. I know she's got him. All right? This reminds me of my honeymoon. So I did. I got him up. I followed him yelling at him, and I got him up against the wall at Argonaut.

And I was like, hey, man, how dare you? You shouldn't fucking flash people, you know? And I'm yelling at him. And I got him by the collar. And then I find out that he clearly has developmental disorders. Like, he has a couple extra chromosomes in his Easter basket, you know? He has high regard. God kissed him a couple extra times. Yeah, exactly. rhymes with it. God kissed him a couple extra times.

Yeah, exactly. Squeezed him a little too tight before sending him down to Earth. Yeah, God smooshed him right in the sweet spot until he healed. You're like, listen up, Slapknots. Yeah. What did you say to him, though? Oh, was it something about you jerking off was that it

I can't remember you said something weird like one of those things where you're angry and you say something in the moment that's like what was it wasn't it something like you want me to jerk off too

yeah hey you like jerking off I'll jerk off with you get over here let's race you want me to jerk off too? Yeah, hey, you like jerking off? I'll jerk off with you. Get over here. Let's race. I can fail this race. I'm going to send a new high scorer on your ass. I don't remember. I just remember the fact that he clearly had Down Syndrome. Once I was face to face with him

he had it. But yeah, I do remember flubbing it somehow. Like trying to be scary. You had to feel bad. Yeah, I had to pretend like I had emotions that's right a lot of your kind fought in that war to jerk off in the middle of Colfax

well unfortunate end to what I thought I remembered as a relatively fun story did you say something like Tyson-esque that was just so sexually weird that it seemed like a good threat?

I want to jerk off in front of my wife. Do you want me to fuck you? You want to fuck my wife? How about I fuck you? Yes, that's what I said. Maybe. Yeah. Anyway. That's it. I don't remember, dude. I had so many great interactions with homeless people. Alright, I'm out there said. Maybe. Yeah. Anyway. That's it. I don't remember, dude. I had so many great interactions with homeless people.

All right, I'm out there, man of the people. I'm feeding them cupcakes, letting them eat sardines out of my butt crack. I'm doing a lot of cool stuff for the marginalized groups. Sardines. Good call. Me and you pounded some sards. We did. We probably talked about that last time, right?

I was after. Oh, my God, yeah. No, we pounded some deans, and I. We probably talked about that last time, right? Oh, I was after. Oh, my God, yeah. No, we pounded some deans, and I'm glad that you got them. They were tasty. Yeah, it was a fucking nightmare trying to buy a pound of sardines at Milk Market. Because everyone there has, like, two skills. And weighing out sardines is none of their skills. And they thought I was pranking them.

I was like, I ain't got a half pound of these sards. And they were like, I'll give you a pound. And I was like, I ain't gonna have a pound of these sards. And they were like, I'll give you a pound. And I was like, alright, cool, I win. You know? That's what I wanted in the first place. I didn't want to be grotesque. So yeah, I got a fucking pound of sardines. And then Lund was like, you know what's good is the oil. And then he's like slurping oil out of the bucket.

Ooh, nuts. It was nuts. That's not true. Oh, what happened? I let the oil drip off. Oh, it's too much. No, it's too much. I thought maybe it was an Illinois thing. Interesting. No, I'm not a big old fan.

Well, because you said after eating a bunch of them that you started to not feel good. I think it's because you didn't let the oil drip dry off of the fish. I think it's because I ate, what? Half a pound. Yeah. I ate 35

fish before you got there. And you were like, oh cool. What are you eating? Sardines? You know, you fucking parked your motorcycle. You took your leather jacket off. Not yet, man. I can't wait. I'm going to have a hog. I'm going to have a bike and some guns. I'm going to ride around

on the bike and shoot my guns. Yeah, you're going to have a hog. I'm going to have a bike and some guns. I'm going to ride around on the bike and shoot my guns. Yeah, you're going to be like Ghost Rider. Yeah. Definitely people are going to wonder if I'm real, if I'm human or something from beyond, from a different plane. You should grow your hair. You look just like Lobo. Whoa. That'd be crazy, right, Beck?

Dude, you'd be a cool Lobo. Yeah. From what? From DC. It was like DC's answer to Wolverine. He was a hybrid of Ghost Rider and Wolverine. Yeah, and he's a space cowboy who rides a space motorcycle. Yeah, intergalactic bounty hunter.

Yeah. He was pretty much like Becker's dad if he was cool. If Becker's dad could get it up, he would be Lobo. Yeah. Yeah, that'll be me. Yeah. Damn. I'll have some..., that'll be me. Yeah. Damn. I'll have some...

There'll definitely be some tall tales about old Sid. There'll be some pretty normal height tales. Like 5'10". Yeah.

5'11 with shoes. And heels. If Kumail's an Eternal, you should be Lobo. I could get buff. You could get buff. They pay for all that. I could get buff. Yeah. Alright, I'll do it.

I'll do it, Stan Lee. Wait, no, DC. I'll do it. Batman. Yeah, I'll do it. Stanley Kubrick. Jim Lee. Stephen King. Yeah, Stan's brother, Jim.

Old Jim Lee. I'll Stan's brother Jim Old Jim Lee I'll do it Chung Lee I'll do it Chung Lee From Taunstub How about Chun Lee Chun Lee Is it Chun Lee Chun Lee used to go to our gym in Vegas

Chun Lee was outed as a perv Then the show went off the air for four years and then they brought it back. No questions asked. He was back starring? They're all back except the old man

because I think he died. Yeah, the old man died out of shame because of Chumlee. I thought he ate too many Nazi doubloons. Like, I'm taking

these to the grave with me. Thought they were chocolate. Yeah. Been there, brother. The old man, I. It's actual gold. The old man, I get you.

He forgot. He thought he was unwrapping them. Anyway. Pawn Stars. Yeah, what a cool idea for a show. Hey, you know how people pawn shit, right? I don't know, maybe we leave a camera in there? Yeah.

What if we made stars of them? What if we focused the camera on this very grotesque family of grifters who try to pay as little as they can to people who are desperate for dough? It's just so random. Yeah, here's people at the lowest parts of their lives.

I remember Pawn Stars was on Insomniac with a tell back in the day. Oh yeah? You remember that? He went into Pawn Stars and he was there with the main Pawn Stars was on Insomniac with Attell back in the day. Oh, yeah? You remember that? He went into Pawn Stars, and he was there with the main Pawn Star. The old man and then his son. His son, Rick, whose head looks like a bowling ball of sand's holes. And everyone on that episode kept trying to pawn VCRs.

And Rick would be like, 10 bucks. And they'd be like, I need it. She's sick. And he'd be like, 10 bucks. They'd be like, they're going to take my son. And he's like, 10 bucks. And Att'd be like, I need it, she's sick, and he'd be like, ten bucks. They'd be like, they're going to take my son, and he's like, ten bucks. And the tell's like, that's crazy. Yeah, that's where they came from, isn't it? Vegas.

No, but I think, like, their television presence came from Insomniac. I think you're thinking of the Connecticut sewer system. All those coal miners in West Virginia, that's how they got their big break uh is it time to talk or time to listen i've been i've been listening man how much taffy have you had today you're coming in real low end no taffy oh is that it it's at luke's i see oh yeah luke you left your taffy over at luke's after we did the last Patreon. Yeah, I had one piece. By the way, that Patreon, if anything's going to take us down, it's that one. I think I edited it up.

Oh, my God. That was fun. Choo-choo. Well, that was a story of boys being a little naughty, but... It was boys being boys five in a row. And a girl being tired. Boys making noise. Lots of no's.

Shut up. I can't get hard if you're giggling. I couldn't even imagine. The only time I almost had a threesome, I left the room because I was laughing so hard. Oh, boy. I just stood up, waved to my buddy Billy, and walked out of the room. He's like, Billy! I was laughing so hard. Oh, boy. I just stood up, waved to my buddy Billy, and walked out of the room. He's like, Billy.

I was laughing so hard. I just couldn't get it together. Was she laughing, but was she delirious in the background? No, she was being very funny. We were both, I don't know, 18. We were still in high school, and she was like a college friend of a bunch of kids we sold drugs to. And they like came home to party. Did they like pay you and her?

No. Just like towards the end of the night she like grabbed both of us and was like, you're both going to come in here and fuck me. Oh, God. And I was high as a kite. Like, you know, 2.30 in the morning on heroin and weed. And got in there and just looking at my buddy Billy and him being like, all right.

While I was standing there, Billy was like, put it in my ass. And I just started cracking up while Billy was like, do it, do it. Oh, no. Yeah, just like, all right, buddy, you can have this one. I'm going to go back to the living room. Was Billy quoting old school or something? Was Groundhog Day on? No, it was just funny.

Imagine London making funny faces at you. I have a fun three-way story with my wife. It doesn't involve her, but maybe she's asleep. Save it for the chase. Okay. One time I was involved in a three-way. Have I told this story? It was you and a young donkey.

Yes. That was in Columbia on holiday. A very inquisitive lemur came by You thought that you were banging a third person But it was a beanbag chair That's right I don't know if that counts But to be fair there was a hole in it

And it was looking pretty good No there were these two girls And they were Servicing me. Don't say that. I was having them. Check your Facebook, Lund. I'm out.

Yeah. Lund can't be present for an hour. Yeah, and they, and one of them had my peen in their head hole, their mouth, and the other one looked up and said,

stuff like this doesn't happen all the time, so enjoy it. And I came right away. That was right when I blasted. Yeah. Yeah.

That's when I filled the pinata with sand. I get that. Yeah. It was very exciting. Also, a certain Big Top was asleep in the room. Who I tried to wake up

at one point. I was like, hey, why don't you... I was reaching for the hot tag. I was like, come on, man. Get in the ring. I submit. A certain magnate couldn't ring. I submit. He, uh, you know, a certain magnate couldn't come to life when I needed him the most.

You wanted him to leave or wake up? I wanted some help. Because you were blown. Uh, yeah. I blew it. Because you were done. Yeah. Yeah. I clocked out. I feel like, uh, I mean, just any sex is better.

Like, the idea of it is almost always better than any actual reality that you or I is going to experience. Especially with a threesome. A threesome in your brain is perfect because you're on the top of your game and you are ready several times. You have a bunch of great quips and comebacks. Yeah, you're not sweating that much. Yeah, you're like, I'll have what she's having. But yeah, I can't imagine all the ways that I would fall short of expectations in that situation. It would not be good. You have to breathe like

you're doing yoga. You have to be like... I have my eyes closed and I'm just listing every quarterback that ever played for the Eagles. Donovan McNabb, Randall Cunningham. False! False! Yeah, that was always the

fantasy that it would happen at some point. Never did for me, and I'm probably lucky. Because I wouldn't have been good. It wouldn't have been like, oh, yeah. It just would have been two people. Just a person who could confirm that I sucked. You know? Like, oh, yeah, I was there. It was the worst. It's like when you have a visitation with your kids, have been two people who just a person who could confirm that i sucked you know like oh yeah i was

there it was the worst it's like when uh you uh have a visitation with your kids and you have like the welfare worker there watching and it's like well you mean he asked them if they wanted to play monopoly and then he gave up about a halfway through the game someone who's taking notes on a clipboard. You were up in Essis Park. Let's talk about this. We didn't talk about Becker's Jack in the Box order. Okay. Jack in the Box, but I ate a lot more food the next night.

Oh, shit. Oh, cool. Well, what was the first order again to get caught up? I remember there were 15 mini tacos involved. Which should just be an order for a couple of people. You know, that would have been enough for you and the entire Ska band after band practice. Man, I toned down the order, too. Like, I got to the checkout after we had been hanging out until 3 o'clock in the morning. I was like, that's too many sandwiches.

I know I could eat it all, but I don't need to be a piece of shit. Because we went over to Luke's, old Luke Lockfeld, and he told us that he tears apart his blankets with his toenails. So his mom's constantly shipping him bed sheets. Yeah, he gets new duvet covers instead of trimming his toenails. I didn't hear that part. I had five churros, two junior bacon cheeseburgers, a spicy sriracha burger that was pretty damn good,

and 15 tiny tacos. So the churros were left out of the initial conversation. No, they... I think they were in there. They were in there, but not five. He just said some churros. But what was... And that is a ridiculous amount of food, obviously.

You're an insane person, but what was the topper? That's disgusting. I also had dessert. God. What was dessert? I had two. A pizza hut? Thin crust pizza? No, I had two bags of Haribo peaches. I'm just glad you're on

the two bags of anything at this point. After your 40 fucking muffin experiment well I talked myself out of muffins that night because I felt shame about it and I wanted to do it again because they were really good but then the next night I got two

two foot long subs from Jersey Mike's two foot long subs that's 48 inches in size. Four feet. Yeah, and I got extra meat on both of them. And that was like, I slept the best I've slept in so long. Oh my God. What the fuck?

What are you trying to prove? I wasn't trying to prove anything. Were you arguing with your girlfriend? It's for the pot. You're like, look what I can do. Look what I can do without you. I don't need you. I don't need anyone.

Yeah. No, I was just really hungry and couldn't decide which sandwich I wanted. So you got two of each. So I, no. You got 48 inches, 24 inches of each. That's the full size sub at Jersey Mike's. Now when you get this delivered, do you have a party hat on and you're like playing? It's like you big crack the door and you're like, hey, settle down everybody.

Hey everyone, I can't hear the delivery guy sorry it's like five people's birthday in here the only time I pull that move

is when I'm picking food up is when I will try to not make it obvious that it's all my food yes for eight orders of chopsticks

if I'm going to two for twenty at Chili's and they pull them over they're like when you're picking up

they're like do you want ranch or ketchup with the burger and fries and you're picking up, they're like, you want ranch or ketchup with the burger and fries? And you're like, ranch. And they're like, do you want guacamole or rice and beans with the fajitas? And you can't just immediately answer it like it's yours. And you're like, oh, hold on, let me check. Yeah.

I've done that at Chipotle where I'm feeling real big and fat and I want to get one chicken bowl and I want to get one steak bowl. Yeah. And I'll order the steak bowl off the top of my head and then I'll be like, hold on. My wife gave me specific directions for the second bowl. Oh my God. You're getting off on the line. I am, yeah. When I was doing one meal a day and I was just fucking pigging out.

You had glass too? Yeah. That's my whole thing. I guess that is part of Jake's thing too. He's not eating like that three times a day. I don't eat for 23 hours a day. Yeah, but then you eat, what? It's like you're mourning your wife's death.

3 a.m. every day. Yeah, I'm mourning heroin's death. I've got to go to sleep without it. How long has it been? 11 years, and I still don't sleep well. It's the sleep. You need to start eating pixie sticks early in the day. Don't just be sugar crash tuckered.

You think that'll work? I would genuinely try that if you think it would work. Go on a run. It's like the only thing that'll knock me out is being overly full. Start swimming. Exercising would probably help. Exercise does not work. Do like a thousand pushups a day.

I was walking 15 miles a day for the first two months of quarantine. Oh, damn. And I was still not sleeping. I practiced staying awake while I was nodding off for years. Like, keeping multiple jobs and going to school. I practiced staying awake for months on stage.

I practiced going to surgery. Whenever one's doing 20, I'm like, no. I have to paint eyes on my lids. Yeah. Nice. Last night I had

three burgers and I ate a lot last night. What'd you have last night? I had three. Let's hear it. I had three burgers from Wendy's and a chicken sandwich

from Wendy's. At least it was from a national chain. All right, that's a step forward. What are you talking about? Jack in the Box is national? Not all forward. Jack in the Box is national? Not all over. Jack in the Box is worldwide.

No, I don't think so. Everybody knows about Jane the Bee. You said Jane the Bee in the group chat. People love it. Is this some anime that they're reading together? Manga. Excuse me, dorks. Manga.

Then I had a box of fruit snacks. There should be no after. Ten pouches. Ten pouches. Little pouches of fruit snacks. Little pouches? Dude. And then I had two Ritter Sport chocolate bars with the biscuits inside of them.

Oh my god. Those are good. Those are my favorite. Yeah, is it sports? It says sports on there? Ritter Sport, yeah. The way he eats, it's a competition. Yeah, it is.

You'll break a sweat. He's racing God to the grave. Except I do it less when I'm around other people, because I get more embarrassed if people watch me do it. I don't like people watching me do it. I've been made spectacle of a couple of times. People pay to watch you. Unlike that homeless guy who jerked off in front of my wife.

Rich guys pay to watch you jerk off. Why don't you do mukbang? Look at the gluttony. What's mukbang? What's mukbang, says the man who's lying right now? I really don't you do mukbang? What's mukbang? Says the man who's lying right now. I really don't know what's... Bloodsport. Mukbang is when you're with hot Korean girls or some kind of Asian.

Oh, that's that weird where they eat on camera and it's a porn thing but it's not porn. It's supposed to be social because I think people in Japan don't get to hang out with other people so they hang out online and watch girls be like, I'll have another egg. And then pop an egg in. Gotcha.

They eat like 40 quail eggs. Okay. You would crush. They overeat. Yeah, for sure. You should start dressing as a geisha and doing mukbang. I had a bag of those Dots pretzels that were new at the grocery store because those were really good. They're from North Dakota.

Those are the best. I ate a whole bag of those lastots pretzels that were new at the grocery store, because those were really good. They're from North Dakota. Those are the best. They're really good. I ate a whole bag of those last night. The big one? Dude. After the candy. After you had three burgers. I had three.

You had ten pouches of fruit snacks. Yeah. Two Ritter Sports. Two Ritter Sports. And a baby-sized bag of Dots pretzels. And then I had more candy. What's the matter with you? I don't believe this whole heroin thing.

After the savory. He killed a lot of people. Yeah, right. I forgot. I forgot you were a mercenary for a while. Oh, yeah. Over there in Serbia. That's what it is.

Working with Jokic's older brother. I don't get it. I don't know why it doesn't affect me like I think it affects normal people. It's affecting you somehow. I've had my blood work done. I was as surprised as your wife was about yours. Okay, well. I thought they photoshopped it.

My buddy Ricky used to stay thin and he ain't like a psycho, but eventually he gave it up because he realized it was going to, I mean, even if you're looking healthy now, all of a sudden your head will just fall off at like 42. And you'll be like, that's why we know why but my dad's done it his whole life and he's in better shape than all of us your dad's also hunting down the Moans a lot of it is genetics

yeah you're just lucky I'm in worse shape than my dad because of some of my mom's jeans yeah she's weakening you quit wearing your mom's jeans they're too tight that's not a family's very short and round mom's jeans. Yeah, she's weakening you. Quit wearing your mom's jeans. They're too tight. That's not a family's very short and round.

Yeah, that one when my sister got married to her husband Evan, that was a real it was really obvious who was on which side of the family because Evan's family is very tall and lean. Yeah. You and Kim are the family because all of Evan's family is very tall and lean. You and Kim are the size of all the people in my family.

Yeah, we're little squats. But all the ball weavers, all my mom's side of the family is about that size. We're little tinies. Little Kim, though, she's not like a rotund like you or I. No, but my mom wasn't

until she was old. Because you guys had George Michael bring the ring and Kim out, right? She rode on the back. George Michael. Yeah, she's like 5'1". She's small. That's why I never worked out between her

and I. Also, because she was not interested at all. I think I had a shot. Had no desire. Yeah? I think I could have pulled it off. Okay. You seem like her type. Evan or you? Right. Because her and Len were fighting one time, and I was like, you know what, really piss

him off. Okay. That's different. Let's burn it down. Yeah. No, I never did. Because you never could have. I think.

She wanted nothing to do with you. I don't know. We could call her. Yeah, you don't know anything. Well, just think about it. What? You thought she was cute, so you think you had a chance? Who didn't think she was cute?

What do you mean? It'd be cool if that happened. No, it wouldn't have been cool at all. Why? Because you'd have been mad? Yeah. You would have been mad for your two best friends? No thanks. I'm surprised that you would be into it after how close you are with Nathan because they do look mad? Yeah. You were happy for your two best friends? No thanks. I'm surprised that you would be into it after how close you are

when they did because they do look very much alike. That's as close as I'll ever get to fucking lunch. Okay. I see.

You're going around the other way. Yeah, exactly. No, I never ever came on to your sister. I used a condom. I'm kidding. Here's the thing.

I would never do that to you. Yeah, good call. Thank you. I, of course Here's the thing. I would never do that to you. Yeah, good call. Thank you. I, of course, have had Sophie. I know, yeah. And I regret it. I'm wearing, remember, I was wearing these same pants sweatpants that I was

wearing like last year and I saw you and Sophie and she was like oh Lon nice sweatpants and I was like

okay and she was like it's like when girls wear skirts and I was like I don't know what you mean by that and she was like

you can see everything and I was like oh shit stop looking at my dick wow remember no yeah and she was like how you can see everything and I was like, oh shit, stop looking at my dick. Wow. Remember? No. Yeah, and she was like, how much is that doggy in the window?

And I was like, Jesus, Soph. She said, you boy, what day is it? Give me your finest Christmas goose. Let me get two pounds of the turkey and I was like, fuck man, this is not cool. What?

She was very aggressive. My sister was dong aware? She pointed out that That is a weird thing to hear. It's a phenomenon between dudes. But what's the comparison when girls wear dresses? I've seen a lot of girls

in dresses, but I've never seen the depths of their hole. Also, not even just because I have a small dick but a dude's limp dick in his pants isn't like a good

unless he's swinging a Jeff Cohen sized dick like it's you know it's not the best signifier of what's going on down there. Lund always jokes

but he's got a little he's got quite the high it's the gray I think Sophie said it's the gray sweatpants where there's just like nowhere to hide for your dong.

And then with skirts, I don't know if it's because they're thin. She said summer dresses. Is it because they're thin? Or is it because you're not wearing underwear? I don't know. We'll have to get her on the phone.

Let's get her on the horn. Hey, Jamie. I don't like that Sophie saw your sultan sleeping on the pillows. I'll say that. She saw the princess and the pea. Oh, God. But... I never exposed myself to Kim.

I didn't expose myself. I was giving you a video game. You have time. You were giving me a video game. You have time. You were giving me a video game? What is it? Returning Spider-Man, I believe. Yeah, right. I never got that back.

But, yeah, I don't know. It was fine. Yeah, I bet you felt alive. She objectified me. Yeah. Better than nothing. I'll take what I can get. Sophie just looked over her sunglasses.

That'll do, pig. She said, give me a call when that thing wakes up or something. When that turns into a man. Whatever it was, it was insulting. It was a little demeaning.

But, you know, she's powerful. Jimmy Deening. She's taking the power back. Yeah. I think my sister's done some laps around the old cock track. You know? That would have been cool if we would have sister swapped. No.

No? I don't think it would have been that cool. We could have arranged it. No. Make our sisters bone? Oh. That's what I was thinking about. That's not what you were thinking about. No, I'm thinking about it. No, I'm loving it.

No, your sister means too much to me. She's friends with my dad. Same reason I can never fuck Becker. We're all very close to Dave. We are friends with my dad. Same reason I can never fuck Becker. Yeah. Yeah. We're all very close to Dave. We are, yeah. When Kim lived here, she was like one of my very best friends in the world.

You guys were close. Yeah. You guys are kind of too close. No, not at all. What? That's why I brought up that it was weird to me that you'd be into her because of Lund. Because I knew Lund first for like two years. She looks nothing like Lund.

And also I wasn't... They have the same nose and eyes. No, they don't. They 1,000% do. Kim looks nothing like Lund. They have the same nose and eyes. No, they don't. They 1000% do. Kim looks like Natalie Imbruglio. Okay. Lund looks like the hot dog sultan of Peoria, Illinois.

Who's hotter, you or your sister? She's definitely hotter than me. Thank you. We're different in our hotness. Right here, they're the same. That would be a weird thing to partake in, I would think, for you. I remember when Kim came over wearing those sweatpants that one day. You could see it up there.

You could see her whole log. I was like, damn, Kim. You could see the whole Magilla. Yeah. No, Lund, of course I'm kidding. I would never do that. Of course. What's Lund, of course I'm kidding. I would never do that. Of course. What's Lund's deal?

Never have the chance. I don't believe that's true. That's not the point. I like how you keep making it sound like this great deed that you're doing. By, like, not, you know... Pursuing your sister. Allowing... Yeah, or not even pursuing.

You're making it sound like she's ready whenever and you are like declining i did the invitation shut up nobody emily has some emily fell on her head in like high school and so she can't perceive exactly how you look the way that we all do you look much different in her eyes in her eyes she's a real slap nuts up there and you know it's an honorary doctorate because

it's her make a wish it's so funny she was like yeah I guess I could date this fuckhead while I'm

becoming a doctor the biggest wang on the planet the doof the doof of all doofs I remember she told me she went home for like the first Christmas we were together, and she was showing her family pictures of me.

And after they got done throwing up, they were like, What are you doing? They're like, cool prank. Yeah. And they were like, where's Jamie Kennedy? And she was like, well, it's not like I'm going to marry this guy. And the next year I was at Christmas. I'm like, I'm fucking this. I'm. And the next year I was at Christmas. I'm fucking this.

I'm fucking this pussy. Talking to her dad. You better not have. I never did that. I didn't say any words that first Christmas. Good call. Yeah, you don't speak. It's a power move.

I just kept showing him pictures of Kim. It's straight through. This is my secret girlfriend. Don't tell your niece. I wanted to tell The Ballad of Topnon. Oh boy. You remember that better. I forgot about

the epilogue. So that wraps it up in a pretty crazy way. Probably better than when you tried to prompt me for that story earlier and I forgot all the pertinent points. I don't remember, so that's good. Yeah, I got you, though. All fell in the blank. So I remember we talked. We had some good stories on the last Patreon episode.

I think it jiggled loose some of the other random shit, because, like, we've known each other for so long, we've had some random stuff. Oh, yeah. By the way, get on the Chubby Behemoth Patreon. Patreon.com slash Chubby Behemoth. We're saving the good stuff for the Patreon episodes. Well, I just had a couple drinks that night, and we were literally letting it fly. It was fun.

All the arrows came out of the quiver. Well, yeah, so, uh, I remembered this. and we were literally letting it fly. It was fun. All the arrows came out of the quiver. Well, yeah, so I remember this. There was that time when we were about to go on a tour and technically the first show, we counted it, was going up to Boulder to do a show at what? Mountain Sun? Mountain Sun, yeah. There's Mountain Sun up there and Southern Sun. I think at what? Mountain Sun. There's Mountain Sun up

there and Southern Sun. I think we were at Mountain Sun. It was the smaller one. The small one. The original. Yeah. So we're in this small brewery restaurant to do a show. The Fine Gentlemen's Club. The four of us. We're up there. Me. Sharpie. Bobby.

Another guy. Ed Begley Jr. was there. He was the host. Crun. Lil Wayne was the musical guest. But yeah, and there were a bunch of people in there. And then there was that table, there was a booth, with a guy and his girlfriend and his brother or sister or something and his mom. Yes.

And they were talking and being annoying and you know we did the like you know polite acknowledgments uh you know oh yeah we got some talkers here you know it wasn't a big deal at first but they just keep talking and being loud and it's like oh okay we have to like shut them down so like we start to get meaner, comic by comic. We wanted to give him respect because we thought he was a samurai. Yeah, the guy had a top knot. Yeah, he was tied up top. Typical boulder fucking douche.

He was a man stallion. I would assume a stallion. No, he was a malion. He was a man stallion. Yeah. But yeah, so we're getting more and more annoyed with them, you know. And I must have gone up later or last because by the time I got up there, the fact that they were still there was very annoying to me. Because it's like, come on.

Like, we have to be here because we're doing the show here. We can't leave. You totally could. You could go anywhere else. You could go to Beads, Beads, Beads. You could go to, you know. Go to the Daiquiri Factory. Imposter Syndrome Society.

That's a downstairs bar. Go to Top Knot's Nut Hut. You go to the piano, dueling piano bar where the guys beat the shit out of each other while they're pretending to play a piano. Go to Bennigan's. Go again. Yeah. Go again to Bennigan's. Go again. Yeah.

Go again to Bennigan's. Mm-hmm. But yeah, they fucking stood their ground. And his whole defense when we would yell at him was, it's my fucking mom, dude. It's like, okay. So I get up there and I'm like, I don't give a shit that it's your mom.

Like, we have a show that we're doing. Get the fuck out of here. I was aggressive he came we were by the door and so when he got up i was like oh shit it's on like i never get you know i never get to fight somebody they always get scared because i have a knife or whatever his name's wielding a stool yeah there's a seven foot golem behind me and he means business put a note in my mouth motherfucker

I dare you I will end you I defended Prague I'll rip your ass open so yeah but they finally were leaving but he said

you know he said like fuck you or whatever talk tough and I was like no fuck you get the fuck thank you for finally leaving

an hour and a half later so that was the worst it was very annoying and that was after a long night it was like a progression he was there so long because Sharpie went first

we used to go sexiest to grossest shut up no but Sharpie would go first because you know he couldn't be out after dark

because birds would swoop him up but yeah Chris went up first and he was like hey man it'd be cool if you would chill out brother that's what cool guys do is they'd show out and then bobby was like uh

why don't you stop talking and then i was like you know free palestine look israel is an apartheid state i didn't really get into it and then lund hit him with it you know wow it was the whole night it's it was it sucked so then like two and a half three years later i'm working at the mayan and uh we have there's a bar at the mayan you can drink take a beer into the movie theater and i was slanging drinks and i was talking to this young lady she was uh very cool looking she had like cool gray hair it looked really badass fun look that was for a while there it still is it's a good look This young lady, she was very cool looking. She had cool gray hair. It looked really badass. What a fun look that was for a while there.

It still is. It's a good look. Some grays in there. Embrace the gray. Yeah, Judy had it, remember? Judy does it. And she had them, too. Yeah, Megan's cousin, Courtney, also has real cool looking black and gray hair.

That's a four-four. It's neat. I'm talking to her, and i'm telling her about too much fun or something comedy uh in denver and then fucking dude comes up and she's like oh hey he was just telling me that we should see some comedy here there's a bunch of great comedy this dude fucking sours his face exchanges you know he's like oh no man I don't like comedy man a couple years ago I was with my mom

and there was this fucking comedy show in Boulder and the comics were very shitty to me and he was fucking top knot it was fucking top knot

I couldn't believe it and he doesn't recognize me and he's telling me that story you know from his side which of course

was that we were shitty we were shitty. We were mean. Also, they were, yeah, they were like mourning his brother's death. He's such a victim. No, it was like his mom was in town. It's like, oh, yeah, she's going to write you another check for $1,200 for books. Right.

You fucking douche. She just got your dad's diagnosis. So he, you know, he says that and i'm like oh dude that was me i love that that was me yes that was up there and he was like oh and you know then he is like you know feeling these emotions again you know and he was pissed and he was like he was like hey man yeah that was yeah that was and i was like yeah you uh you were actually pretty out of line because you were talking and he was like yeah but you know it was my mom and i was like yeah nobody nobody really cares though about your mom the mom defense does not hold up yeah it's your mom doesn't mean anything to me or anybody.

Like, we were there to do a show. And so he was like, yeah, well, I mean, yeah, it's cool. I mean, fuck you, but it's cool. And he's lucky I wanted to keep that job because for him to say fuck you made me want to kill him. But I was at work. Especially in front of that gray-haired lady. I wanted to I wanted to take him by his top knot

throw him off of the balcony of the mine you wanted to bleed him and pour it on the popcorn talk to Salt-N-Pepa some more see what was going on with her do you have any Salt-N-Pepa? take her to a comedy show show her how it is when your mom isn't there ruining everything

can't shut her fucking mouth. It's my mom, dude, and my mom doesn't know about how you act at a comedy show. Yeah, she's talking. She's talking loud. My mom doesn't maintain decorum. She doesn't know about our ways, okay?

He's like, my dad was John Panette, okay? I've never been able to even go to a buffet because my dad, fucking word got out about my dad. He go now. So I had to go now too. From that bit, you go now. Every John Panette was just him eating at a restaurant, getting yelled at then a different race

asking him to leave. And the Italian guy came on. You eat all of the spaghetti. And then this Irish guy was like, you've had enough, man. I can't do an Irish accent. What was that? Oh no.

No more potatoes for you. Young sir. Here in Belfast, Ireland, where I've lived since birth. I've been three generations have been in Dublin. Just a fat old guy. I can't do accents. Just an out of breath person. I can't do accents. You can still do.

That's my issue. That's my issue as well. I've been practicing all the fun ones my entire life. Who knew they would get taken away? I don't know. Anyway. We've got to give a shout out to our sponsor real quick. Seagram's Gin.

Seagram's Gin. I drink it. I drink it. And they pay me for it. It wasn't Seagram's, was it? Yeah. Was it? Yeah, it ruled.

Rokisha. Rakesha. Petey Puppet. Rihanna. Monique. Yeah, Freak-a-Leek. Good song. It really slaps. I was the one who started saying slap, and everyone copied me.

That's definitely not true. You're on the horizon of anything. Except for the short shorts I guess Thank you Well let's talk about it Okay Dad sneakers Who was on that early? Becker?

Sammy T Thank you Sam T was up on dad sneakers early Also Wearing overalls I brought back overalls dude I was like first overall guy in Denver and also short ass shorts

Sam T Nation worldwide nobody's following that one though short shorts? yeah nobody's doing shorts shorter than your underwear Chris Pierce is wearing short shorts it's not catching on a bunch of the younger guys are doing it because of me

Euro style they saw me eating that Euro and and they were like, you're Euro trash. Let's give a shout out to HoldThePhone.tv. They do great shows every week online. You can catch Hot Tub on Mondays. You can catch Hey Girl with Matt Bronger and Kyle Kinane on Fridays. They're having Ayn Rand on, I heard. Holy shit.

Isn't that crazy? From the grave. She's going to talk about how she wrote the book that every dickhead thinks is the best. She's going to talk about how for the last 10 years of her life she was on financial assistance. Yeah, exactly. Fucking bitch. What a fraudulent hoe. Atlas came.

On your titsits that's the sequel when he dropped off your check yeah Atlas was the mailman bringing by your fucking stipend

you bellend anyway well Sasha Baron Cohen oh my god yeah they're doing Borat 2 let's give a shout out to Borat 2.

It comes out my sister's birthday. You have to con sick to your sisters. Sophie, I can't make it to the pumpkin patch. Something came up. My sister came on the TV during a football game and I dropped my phone on my dad. I was like...

They opened the grail and Sophie's like, you're doing a goof. You're doing a skit. And I was like like they opened the grail and Sophie's like you're doing a goof you're doing a skit and I was like shut up shut up and let me have this it's been your birthday for six weeks

shut the fuck up and she was like talking over the commercial and I reared back to slap her I took my earrings out like shut up oh yeah I forgot

that for her birthday she was like we should go up right next to where the fires are. Yeah. And tempt fate. Yeah. And try to light a cigarette off of the ash.

If you loved me. In the sky. You'd go into an inferno. I guess it'd be hard to celebrate if you went east to fucking Sterling. I kept saying, let's go to Lyman, dude. She was like, it's my 30th birthday. And I was like, literally no one cares. I could give

less of a shit. No one gives a frump. Yeah. That's our sponsor. Borat 2 is coming up. I watched Borat last night. I watched it last night, dude. It's the best, man. Yeah, it's great. Oh my god. I work here.

How did they pull off doing it again? I don't know. I don't know how that works. Oh, my God. I require you to... All right, hold on. Go ahead. How did they pull off doing it again? I don't know. I don't know how that works. That's my curiosity. People are dumb. That's a well-known thing. Yeah, I'm not sure about that either. What, are you going to pull up the trailer, you psycho?

No, but I recorded a piece of Borat last night. Apparently, there's a scene where he gets Rudy Giuliani in the new one. Yeah, I just read about that. Yeah. Like where he almost masturbates? Yeah, well... read about that. Like where he almost masterrates? Yeah, well, there's an actress that plays

Borat's 15-year-old niece and he tries to talk to Giuliani to have Trump for Trump to have a good relationship with Kazakhstan and he offers this

supposedly 15-year-old and then she invites Giuliani back to her room and gives him a drink and apparently he's into it and so I don't know no spoilers

that's all spoilers anyway Borat 2 is coming out Sam can't wait it's a countdown dude you can stream Borat 2 on HoldThePhone.tv. Yes, HoldThePhone.tv. So on Hey Girl, they're having Sasha Baron Cohen on as a guest.

No way. I'm calling in. I'm doing my best impression. Let's hear your... My wife. Do you have your... It's my wife. Oh, I thought you had a clip of you doing it good from last night

oh that would have been good no but when he's talking to that cowboy guy before he does the national anthem when the horse falls down you brought it up before yeah that old man

says all kinds of awful shit yeah and he's like yeah you might look like one of the Muslims yourself yeah yeah he says get rid of the get rid of the mustache

you could look Italian and he says I am Kazakh I follow the hawk. At my... That's the best movie in the world. At my grandma's... I've seen it.

Dude. At my grandma's funeral, my great uncle came up to me. It was the first time I had seen a lot of my family since uh starting to do stand-up and so my great uncle says you're doing comedy huh i was like yeah and then he just goes so there's two italian fellas and i was like jesus christ my grandma's funeral and i'm gonna have to hear the longest racist joke. And a racist joke where the butt of the joke, the dumb punching down, is on Italians. Yes.

That's how old the joke is, is that Italians were still on the outside looking in. Yeah. When it came to, like, you know, privilege. Yeah, that was after your uncle or whatever torched a wobbly encampment. These couple IWWs are down there at the sawmill. My grandpa's go-to joke

was always pretty good and always crushed. What was it? It's really long, of course. It was like a cowboy walks into a bar and he's like,

the long story short, he says to the bartender, if I can make my horse cry, will you buy me a drink? If I can make my horse cry, will you buy me a drink? If I can make my horse laugh, will you buy me a drink? The bartender's like, yes. So he whispers in his horse's ear and the horse laughs. And then he says, if I can make my horse cry, will you buy me a drink?

And the guy's like, yeah, of course. So he whispers in the horse's ear. He turns his back to the bartender and hears his fly come out. He whispers to the horse and the horse starts crying. Andender and hears his fly come out and whispers to the horse and the horse starts crying and the bartender's like what'd you do mister and he's like

well to make him laugh I told him my dick was bigger than his and to make him cry I proved it my grandpa would always grab you by the arm and say

I proved it like that was him yeah exactly like he was in the joke that's a little joke about me over talent Like that was him. Yeah, exactly. Like he was in the joke. That's a little joke about me. Over talent. I was there, see?

I was the horse. And you can hear more bits like this on holdthefoam.tv. They got a bunch of great shows, Man Monday and Friday or whatever. So yeah, check them them out hold the phone TV you got Hot Tub with Gert and Bistie Friday you got Hey There Fella why don't you watch this show about girls

with Mutt Brongner and KKK and then you got the Funtime Boys Game Night Spectacular. Which one of those did I not make up? You figure it out. Check it out, man.

Great product right there, brother. More importantly, get on the old Chubb Reddit. Don't forget about the Chubb Reddit. Get on Patreon if you want an extra episode every week. Also, the AMA is coming next week. Let us go to Trinidad tonight. He has to get down there and see a man about a horse and make him laugh. This is the worst chair I've ever sat on.

It's been 45 minutes and my fucking ass is asleep. I've seen you over there not enjoying yourself this entire episode. Yeah. I'm sorry. I hope I was able to fucking sound nice and relaxed. You sounded like you were fucking nodding off like you were on the Becker diet over here. My thighs have been working hard this whole time to keep me on this chair. I'll give you a different chair, man.

Nice. Now that we're done. Give me a good one. Okay. Give me a nice one. Send me out. Walk me to the... Push me out to the car. What if I gave you the beat, boy?

For his soul? Yeah. Yeah, that'd be cool, I guess. That's the one song. You Uncle Cracker? That's the one classic rock song you don't know, huh? I know that song. I didn't feel like singing it. Damn, that was our thing. We used to sing on this pod, remember?

Bing bong, bing bong bing. I like the work of Hubby Bookcheck. Bing dong, bing dong, bing. Watch Borat. Yeah, turn this off, watch Borat. Get ready for Borat 2. There's no better work of genius than Borat. We should definitely help Sasha Baron Cohen get the word out about Borat 2.

Well, he helped me get the word out about my acquittal. Yeah, that girl was 19. It was just we were in different hemispheres. Give me that baby boy. And bring my dog. I want to get out into my own land.