Chubby Behemoth - Betrayed By Fruit

Episode Date: September 13, 2024

SPONSOR: Chubbies: Support the show and take 20% off your Chubbies order with promo code CHUBBY20 at https://www.chubbiesshorts.com   MyBookie: Support the show and use promo code CHUBBY on MyBookie to claim a bonus to double your money on your 1st deposit. Get started at https://mybookie.website/CHUBBY   BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This week Sam looks like he’s in witness protection, he’s sorry. Nathan has a new hair-do, shows us who puts the hog in hedgehog, and updates us on Trinidads new resident. Sam tells us about being autonomous meat, how he arrived at his fruit error, and going gaga for goo-goo. Nathan also remembers why he said goodbye to denim. Sam thinks it’s time to be suspender guys.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Mutiny Coffee: [e-mail]

Sink it to your own ready one two three All right, I clapped Meat claps meat claps. This is good, right now. I'm kind of like in witness protection It does look like we're gonna garble your voice and let you tell a story about what a man did to you You could do that. I have that sound effects board on here that you said quote don't ever touch But I could turn that thing on. No, we don't need that. Look listeners, I'm sorry.

I don't know how to set this up any better, but I'm up here. I'm high in an undisclosed location somewhere in one of the capitals of Texas. I could also, I could also put it right here. How's that? Sure. Just stop moving it around. Why can't I move it? It doesn't matter. I just that looks good. The meat. Hello. I am the meat. My title is meat. We were gonna record last night and I was going to make it a spooky episode, which I haven't done in a few years. Uh, and then we pushed to the morning, but guess what? You can still be spooked in the daytime.

Your haircuts truly horrifying. Caffeinated on on liberal tears. You know how they have the Caesar haircut for the Latino kids? You have the little Caesar haircut, which looks like you've been sweating over a bunch of hot and reddies just waiting to have the first piece.

Oh yeah, God, yeah. This looks awful. I knew it'd be funny. And it's the desperate attempt to like, no, I don't have a receding hairline. Look, it's marching onwards to Rome. Yeah. All roads lead to Rome.

You can't tell how many fence posts are missing in this ungentrified area. If you're not watching this one everyone I really feel bad for you because we are all just running our fingers through our our different intermediary level levels of hair obviously me and Lund full heads Becker complete loss cause sweeping swooping feeling bad what I say about Becker's Becker shits fucked it's it's you know the war is over they're just waiting to come and collect the casualties and go knock on all the war widows doors That's what's going on with Becker's head. Yeah

Like a whole finger in like couple weeks. Well, you have cancer listen to this guy. We just got this guy He puts the hog in hedgehog. He's grunting. He's not squeaking. He's gweeg-wo-ing. Gweeg-wo, gweeg-wo. Beanie's scared of the gweeg-wo. Does Beanie...

Spooky! Whoa, this way down the illuminated path. Right this way to the gauntlet. I, uh, is, well, I couldn't go last night because I was medically drunk on weed. I was wasted. Yeah. Tell us how high you were. It was terrifying. I literally got so high that I was sitting in the lounge in Houston and I was in one of the cubicle rooms

because I was like, I want to be alone. But then I sat in there for like two minutes and was like, oh shit, I'm going to have a heart attack and I want to do it in front of people. So then I relocated to the most visible spot in the entire lounge, which is when you come in there's the check-in desk and I sat out there like a psycho. No one sits in that area of the lounge.

And I sat right next to the desk where the four black ladies had their eyes on me. Because I was like, I'm going to drop in here. I'm going to fucking die in the. Just as the gypsy foretold I smoked weed and then I'm surprised that I feel off and it's certain death as opposed to The ten thousandth time that you got more to stone for comfort Well, that's so funny. That's what you have to remind yourself is really no this was Purpose I well, you know when you're in the throes of a death panic, it's hard to reason. You looked in the mirror and you saw this looking back at you.

You'll be bone soon. Sammy, you smoked insane. Oh, we, there's no coming back from the insane. Oh, baggy It wasn't just the weed so I get off the plane I go to the lounge I have a two-hour layover you got betrayed by fruit It wasn't the cheeseburgers that got him. It was the fruit. Fruit and weed. Yeah, my body didn't know what to do. I go to the lounge, I get in the bathroom, I honk my pen, but it's not the full like floor to ceiling door, so I have to hold it in. So as soon as I hit it and I start coughing a little bit, I like, oh fuck, I know what this is going to do. I'm holding it in, I'm ghosting this massive toke. Oh yeah, I did it last night. I got as high as fuck. When we were in the chat I got as high as you, as high as I could, as high as Becker on a

good day. No, no one's ever been as high as me. I was a cosmonaut last night. No, I mean people have been this high people are 13 year olds are this high on fucking blinkers constantly. But yeah you got to be careful with the blinkers man that is a big old hit. I wasn't trying to blink. I was a bit greedy. I was a bit ambitious with my toke. So I'm sitting on the toilet, I finally shove, I'm like, oh no, I get up, I go, I try to wash my hands. It's not working. You forget what order it is, you dry them first,

then soap, you're like fuck. Yeah. Somehow I'm trapped in the paper towel dispenser. I go to motion to the paper towel, next thing I know my hand's inside of it. No, I was like trying to the paper towel, next thing I know my hands inside of it. No, I was like trying to get the automatic sink to work and it didn't work. And that was the first tipping point where I was like, oh, something's very wrong. I don't have any electricity in my body anymore.

You're a ghost boy. I'm a lounge ghost. The meat has passed Yeah, I mean I was definitely I was definitely like autonomous meat and I I leave the lounge and I'm like, okay I need to fucking get a Coca-Cola or something to chill out as I'm walking through the lounge I just can't help but like be very afraid of everyone I see be very afraid of everyone I see. I was like, I was disassociated dude.

I've literally felt like they were all NPCs. I was like, why are all these people in here? These guys shouldn't be in here. What's the point of them? I'm the only one doing anything that matters. You were in bully. You were in bully. They were all your classmates that don't really talk unless they have a mission for you.

Oh, yeah, no one came up to me and said that it's the apple picking contest. No one said that I had to there was a skateboard behind the old dumpster. No, they're just bumping around and as I'm standing there like dudes are coming up to hand their girlfriends pie like it was jammed in there because there was a bunch of canceled flights due to the hurricane. So I'm like, I'm so pissed and afraid, which is a terrible situation to be in. And this guy comes up and he's like right behind me

and he keeps saying, excuse me, excuse me. And I finally turn around and I say, what, what dude, what do you need? And he doesn't need anything. He just wants to get as close behind me in line for the buffet as possible. Is he his fucking nose is on my neck and I'm like, what do you need? And he's like, nothing. I just want to get in line.

I'm like, oh, God. He was saying, excuse me to you or to other people or what? He was saying, excuse me, right into the my bald spot from what it felt like. It was like he was talking to my skull. He was trying to get into my brain and be like room for one more. Excuse me. Excuse me. I'd like to get by now. Yeah. So, you know, I make the worst plate anyone's ever had of cucumber slices,

sunflower seeds, just a bunch of parmesan cheese and like pretzel bites. My plate is literally cucumbers, parmesan cheese, sunflower seeds, pretzel bites. And then for you for you. Yeah, I ladle honey mustard all over the top of it. Okay, this will even me out. So then I get around to the corner where the beverages are, I get a can of Coke, and then this is what I did. I saw the pineapple. They had a bunch of dried pineapple. I was like, that's a vegan option

for people who want a sweet treat. I mean, I already had Parmesan on the plate. I don't know what the fuck I thought I was doing. It was that or lemon bars. I don't like lemon bars. I don't like citrus desserts. That's too bad for you. Well, I mean, how about how about the fucking orange covered in chocolate? That's the worst trick the devil either pulled. I agree. Real orange.

You know what I'm talking about? They have that like the chocolate orange for Christmas. I think is good You're talking about a real orange dipped in chocolate is no I'm talking about the I'm talking about the chocolate orange orange and chocolate You don't like them together. That's fine. Lemon meringue pie really good lemon bar can be really good Lemon bars always shit. It's always the last thing at the bake sale No, no lemon bars the thing that thing that dad made on his weekend. Kids don't want lemon bars. They taste like homework. I'm a kid. But real. How about that? Yes. But dried pineapple. Yeah. You're like, Hey, I should get two pounds of this.

I got a whole, I got a whole like 12 ounce cup of dried pineapple. And then I'm bumping and bobbling, trying to get back to the lounge or to my seating area, which is in that cubicle, I sit down, I have a couple bites, I'm like, fuck, I'm gonna die in here. Your work. I get I Yeah, exactly. I'm in there fucking taking zoom meetings with other podcasts. I interviewing producers so we as I can avoid robot voice. And I fucking I'm so we as I can avoid robot voice and I fucking I'm so

Fucked up in there that I'm like dizzy and I think myself into a sheer panic attack Well being dizzy sucks cuz that does feel like it could be something. Oh, yeah, I've been big something big this way a common Yeah, it was it was and then I just descend I thought I go and I sit like I said by the front desk and then it's 20 minutes of terror as I'm eating sunflower seed cucumber bits with a spoon. I have a spoon, I have a knife, I have no fork, I don't know what I'm doing. People are coming in. You have a knife. Yeah, people are coming in to check in. They just see me over there like. Somebody need to butter his bread for him or do you think he's got it?

It's nice of you guys to let those special needs adults sit right here. Does somebody need to hold his hand to the gate? Cause I'm not doing that. We got to get a cart for him and he needs to be alone in the cart so he doesn't bite anyone else who's in a rushed connection I was so fucked up. I was like literally wasted. I like did not have my functions

Yeah, and I haven't been that high in a while I don't know what happened and you didn't like the dots until talking to dr. Dr. Becker dr. Well, I'm chill I saw I'm chilling out and I'm eating pineapple. I'm like pineapples good. This is great It's natural it comes from the ground. Maybe a tree pineapple. It comes with bush tree or bush Yeah, it's from the ground. Yeah, we know that is a Chuck's Barackus Well, also Chuck's Barackus reached out about booking me a show in Kona. So I think I'm gonna do that in January How is Chuck's Chuck's Barackus the the man that was? Also, Chuck Sparrakis reached out about booking me a show in Kona. So I think I'm going to do that in January.

How is Chuck Sparrakis, the man that was 70, 15 years ago, is still bumping around growing. He moved to Hawaii for coffee, right? Not pineapple, but he's a coffee man. He wrote two books, and he sent me a link to it when he reached out about this show. And the new book that he just published is like, how to survive doom, the coming apocalypse,

and your place inside of it. So I think he's over there prepping. The place inside your mind. Yeah, he's turning the coffee into guns. Everything's made out of ground up coffee or glued together coffee beans. Bulletproof vest, mostly coffee. Oh, it's just coffee shells. That'd be the best smelling bulletproof vest. Usually they smell like Axe body spray from my up close and personals with bulletproof vests.

Protein powder, yeah. So I'm chilling. I'm eating the pineapple Everything's everything's coming around the Coca-Cola is riding me I sit there and then like 10 minutes later I'm watching I'm watching the football game right around five minutes left in the second quarter. I Get on the elevator and I am Charlie in the glass elevator I am you think it's gonna take off through the ceiling into into the sky. Oh I think I'm the ceiling and the sky and the elevator It's all the blanket

Dude, and I'm like what the fuck is going on now. I'm really scared Are you alone in the elevator so you can allow your face to look freaked out or do you have to play it cool? Cool jazz man. Oh, yeah, what else is going through your head? The other thought I'm dying and what's the other thing going through your head? It's a jazz, baby Jazz baby guy Is on my flight from Detroit, there was this little black baby who got on with sunglasses on and I clocked him. I was like, right on Jazz Baby.

Are you high then? Are you a little high then? No. I'm a little, yeah, I was a little high getting onto the plane from Detroit, of course, it's a three hour flight. I'm going to the monster. I'm laughing at the Jazz Baby and I just keep thinking, I'm goo goo for Gaga Baby. I'm goo goo for Gaga baby.

And then in my head I'm like, wouldn't it be better if I was Gaga for goo goo? I keep switching back and forth in my mind. Workshopping it. Yeah, because if you're goo goo for Gaga that makes him sound like he's a Lady Gaga fan. But if he's Gaga for goo goo, he's just a smooth operator. So I'm having a nice time on that first flight. I thought you hated it. No, on the first flight in, I was fine. It was when I get to the lounge in Houston where I take my fucking secret

toke where I'm totally zork to Zordon. Let me. Yeah, I'll let you finish. Get on the elevator. I'm going down. So as the elevator moves, I'm like, ah, and then the fucking, like I said, the rocket takes off again. And at this point I'm like, well this is a medical calamity. Because I was high, it wore off, everything's fine,

and then all of a sudden, I'm just on the back of the bull with both hands up, eight seconds. You know? You're Luke Perry, getting your nuts smushed. Oh yeah, I'm Luke Perry. I'm the saddle and the bull. And so I get down and I'm at my gate and I just, I wish that I had video footage of my face

because I think I'm holding it together. But then you walk by like a fucking, you know, some kind of like signage that is mirrored and I turn into it and I'm just. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh it and I'm just

So I'm walking through the airport like a man who escapes some kind like I'm like the man on the iron mask You know, yeah, I'm that guy Like looking in a mirror. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah for goo goo, which one's better. So get out of my face. What? And then Becker and you were in my ass being like, hey, when are gonna pod and I'm like I'm dying I'm dying at the airport and I never go on your I'm never going to pod again I'm never if I survive this all now. I'm taking a vow of sacred silence. I'll never speak again I'll do the world that favor And then I tell Becker that I had the most pineapple I've ever had and he says, Oh yeah, that'll do it. Cause there's like terps,

there's terps and fucking pineapple Becker take us on one of your mystery rants. Yeah. Pineapples like the second best thing to eat if you're trying to make your weed stretch farther. It's full of mercy and limelight and linalool. So not only does it have the mercy and to make you feel more fucked up, It's full of mercine and limelaine and linalool. Not only does it have the mercine to make you feel more fucked up, it's got linalool to make you feel indica fucked up

and a bunch of limelaine to help you feel all racy and sativa fucked up. So it's the second best thing to eat if you're trying to get higher. It's the worst thing to eat if you are not trying to get higher. Well, mangoes are worse. ate I eat the most dried pineapple and they're they're dried So, you know, they're little they're little like squares of dried pineapple in a cup and I'm just chugging the cup, you know

Wow, and they usually use overripe fruit to make the dried fruit product. So it's even more terpene rich. I got sporachist. Yeah. This was you. Carlos, Carlos called me to figure out some other shit we have going on while we were texting and when I told him you had eaten a bunch of pineapple, he lost it. He was laughing. He's like, Oh, he's just fucked.

Like, yeah. He lost it. He was laughing. He's like, oh he's just fucked like yeah might as well have smashed the Smash the little vial on your hand and licked it clean. Yeah I should have I should have taken one of the United Attendants hostage and like This planes flying direct now, baby Get on the plane we're all goo goo for Gaga So I'm the little I'm the hedgehog, I'm grunting. Go ahead, Becker. How much did the peanut butter cups help?

Interesting. So, yes, then Becker says, okay, I've been in this situation, I know what you have to do. Well, no, I think I mentioned that I wanted a sweet treat. That's what I said. You wanted some real sweets. You didn't want the healthy choice because it fucked you right I needed to go back to my old friends

And I would just thought like if I could just have something to focus on if I could just suck on something lol Clip it of course I because I I put a fucking life say I put like a lifesaver in Everyone meant in that they had at the lounge and that was calming me and I was was like, if I can get some lifesavers, that'd be great. Something for my tongue to do besides trying to worm its way down my throat. Yeah. And if I also, I can't, I can't mumble to myself as I'm bumping around the airport. I'm goo goo for Gaga. If I have,

so I went to the store. So I went to the store. I mean, they're there. They would hang out. They'd be in the same daycare. Sammy big baby. Glenn Davis Jr. baby Sammy Davis Jr. boxing out getting 14 boards a game. He's five three in a tuxedo. Give me the rack baby. So now I get the fucking, I get some sunflower seed, I love sunflower seeds, I get some sunflower seed Reese's cups. So now I'm standing there with

a big bag of sunflower seeds Reese's cups. I got the bag. Just, you know, fucking hedgehog just yeah. So I eat four right away. I ate one of the, I ate some wrapping paper. Cause they're in that little like, you know, paper cup. I ate one of those. I mean, I literally the first one I grabbed three out and just kind of shook them trying to get the paper off. Yeah. I mean, I was, I was really bad. I, if you were with me, I would have been like, dude, I really need you to help. You would have, you would have been scared. You would have put your hand on my shoulder from behind, like a blind person.

Yeah. I would put my sunglasses on and then just I'm goo goo for Gaga. Sorry. Sorry. He's I'm goo goo for Gaga. Sorry, sorry everyone. He's Gaga for goo goo. Were your eyes still kind of fucked from the pool? Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.

You're squinting, bumping into stuff high as hell, scared. Eating strange snacks I'd never seen before. See, I started eating those cups and they kind of bring me down. But then I'm holding the bag, and I mean I'm literally just holding the bag like this, standing there like, you know? Yeah. And then some guy comes up and he's like, Sam T, what's up man? And I was like, hey. And you're like, oh good.

One of these NPCs has come to life. Yeah. Someone's going to tell me where to find the magic flute. So I'm Gaga for Goo Goo. A guy comes up, Sam T, saw that new wide world. What's up, man? And I'm like, oh yeah, just going to Austin. He's like, oh yeah, you're at the club this weekend.

That's going to be great, man. And then he says, oh, yeah, you're at the club this weekend. That's gonna be great, man And then he says oh Sunflower cups I never had one of those and I like offer him one and he you know He takes that he has it in his hand and they stands there for a minute. He says so you're gonna eat the whole bag, huh? You crumble like a sandcastle you just turn into a pile of salt You crumble like a sandcastle. You just turn into a pile of salt Why couldn't they've seen me with the pineapple And I like want to tell the guy that I'm really high but I also want him to leave

and then like Lund's messaging me that he's gonna tell TSA that I have drugs on me. Oh, no, he said that I have a bomb Made of drugs. Like Spirakis with his coffee, except it's a fucking, an old-timey bomb, but it's made out of black tar with a cocaine, with a cocaine core. Speaking of, dude, we should grow some popppies Becker. Yeah No Why I say no what has lady's legal? It's legal All right. Yes. I have a greenhouse. It's illegal to cultivate. I have seeds. I just got to go get them from Ridgeway. I Mean wide world cobble Should I plant some seeds in the backyard?

It'd get me to move to Michigan. Don't move to Michigan for. Yeah, leave. Get out of there. It's so humid there. Yeah, there's no drugs in Trinidad. Winter is coming. We have Jello Biafra, I think. Oh yeah.

What the fuck was that, huh? That's nuts. I don't know what's going on, but he's stomping around. Maybe he's passing through. I have no idea. I haven't talked to Kurt or Suzanne, but they posted a picture with him. There's been jello sightings. And said, look who we bumped into on main street.

And then, uh, somebody I think asked if he, if they were going to like, try to put a show together or have him DJ and Kurt said that it was in the works and not for like this weekend, but for I don't know sometime in the future. So maybe he's bumping around. Maybe he's living outside of Durango. Maybe he's in Aguilar when everyone goes to die. You should get him on the pod, man. And then he can just talk over us for an hour. It'll be great. uh, in Aguilar when, when everyone goes to die. You should get him on the pod, man. And then he can just talk over us for an hour. It'll be great. Yeah. I don't know anything about him except, uh, holidays in holiday in Cambodia because of, uh, guitar hero.

He might be one of the most annoying people to ever live. Wait. He is so far up his own ass that he's picking his nose from the inside. Did you on your music pod, did you talk about never getting into dead? Somebody had like a dead Kennedy's related question, I think. So did you talk about them? I've been very vocal in my disdain for counties. They're the, they're the doors of hardcore punk rock.

They're a novelty surf band. I'm Jello be a fry. Take me seriously just doing be fifty two's voice over like surf riffs. I don't know look. They got some bangers for sure holiday in Cambodia is really good Nazi punks like they have some good songs, but listening to a whole fucking to DK album. I would rather be as high as I was in the airport and also I'm in Texas and I'm like okay. If they take me aside and they're like, are you lost from your group, Sir? Where's why aren't you branded with

your owners on your livestock? Where's your wife? Yeah, now it's like I'm going to jail. L just told TSA that I have a coffee bomb on me. Nick Olivas works for TSA in Houston now. He's coming to arrest you. He zip ties you and also hog ties you. And as he does, my pants fall down. That's my biggest fear. One time when I was...

Like Evan's dad, dude. I talked about that on a pod long ago. He's manic. He gets arrested. He's handcuffed. His pants are loose. They've dropped to his knees. He's literally nude. He's not in tidy whiteys.

He's not in like Christmas boxers. His dick and balls are seen by court reporters a sketch artist is in the hallway yeah they do they do a caricature of his balls and his dick they're both in go-karts We lost one. He loves it. Well, God, it's funny when something old is new again. Totally forgot about that. It was like a year ago. Oh my God. So many great episodes. You guys got to get on that Patreon because we've really lived some hilarious lives. It might be a yeah. I don't know if it's a Patreon or not, but God damn. Oh yeah. How about this also come to chubby behemoth live at High Plains

everyone. Yes, please. HQ is huge. It's on Saturday. It's Q is like the catacombs of South Broadway. There's gonna be 75 people. Yeah they gave us the ball this year because we did high dive big last year so come to that. That is on September 21st next Saturday. Becker will be there. We'll have some surprise guests I assume. We can have, we'll have Becker's mechanics Camaro that everybody can take around the block if they want. Yeah, everyone can key his mechanics That Camaro come on draw a swan the side of the Camaro Well, I guess we shouldn't say if it but it's a it's a personalized plate, right? Yeah, it's really stupid

Yeah, I didn't make it out but I was like why, why the hell? Because this was before I asked what was up. Like Megan and I went past you. I think sometimes we drive around Trinidad Lake to go to Walmart, the back way. And we saw that car and it's like, why does Becker have a fucking black Camaro, like a new one, newish one, with a personalized plate? I was like, is this his mom's like new car because she's banging something like 22 year old? What is happening? She puts bullet holes on it like my dad did on his fucking motorcycle. Puts bullet

hole stickers on it like the while carrying a gun. We did that to Rogers mom's PT Cruiser, the puppy tracks cruacks Cruiser. Puppy Tracks. It was covered in like paw print stickers and then me and Roger were at the flea market in Denver and we found those bullet hole decals and we put some on the back right fender. That's awesome. Yeah. So yeah, come fucking see us there. Yes. Please. We'll have the Puppy Tracks Cruiser. You can sign it. Whoever. So before the podcast starts, let's say if we're at five, let's say at 4 30, parked

right outside of HQ on South Broadway, the Puppy Tracks Cruiser, if you have $50, you can enter and you put your hand on the Puppy Tracks Cruiser and the last one with their hand on it drives it home How about that Roger Roger say nothing if you agree? Nothing from Roger. So I'm texting him. He says it's cool. So we're good. This is a real thing puppy tracks group The bh cruiser the bullet holes cruiser That's how I used to get around town was was in Roger's mom's puppy tracks cruiser.

Just bumping. The most embarrassing vehicle there is, I think. Right, yeah, and we're like blasting health as loud as possible. All I know is we were walking. Just smoking weed in there, smoking giant blunts in his mom's car, and then every night he'd take it home,

and she'd be like, oh my God, Raji, it smells like rope in here. And he'd be like oh my god, rogy. It smells like rope in here and he'd be like yeah, I don't know what to tell you mom. I'm an artist, seventy eight years old. It smells like rope. Yeah, roger got a roger's got yet another woman of color girlfriend. He was fucking tasting the rainbow man And he was fucking tasting the rainbow man. Norquist man. He, he chief, he fucking checked every box.

Yeah. He looked, he looked like this, but when you're skinny, you never know who's going to be into your shit. He was the reason I, uh, pulled the trigger on, uh, saying goodbye to denim. Cause he was always wearing like, uh, like works, blacks, or chinos. And I was like, that's the way. Cause I was so sick of thick ass, heavy denim. Oh, he got, he got me on, he got me on Dickies.

Pissed jeans are going to be at the high dive. First time they're ever playing in Colorado and we're going to be living it up in San Diego, but God damn it. They're going to be at the high dot fucking piss jeans at the high dive, man. How crazy. I guess I wouldn't be able to last long in there because I'm not 24, but my God. Yeah, you'd be pissed the whole time.

You'd be standing in the back with earplugs in. Like your favorite song would come on, you would run into the pit, get punched in the throat, come out and be like, this sucks. You'd go outside, sit in your car, listen to Chevelle. No. like, this sucks. You'd go outside, sit in your car, listen to Chevelle. I'd love to see you at piss jeans at the high dive. I would love to, um,

this is what I would love for somebody tall to stand in the back of the shotgun, you know, the back of the room at high dive, not next to the bar, but in the back of the room tall enough to wear it. By the sound booth. Yes, by the sound booth. Tall enough they're wearing a camera on their head and I get to watch the show that way from home while playing Yahtzee on my phone. Oh, I also want to say this. It's been recommended we do plugs in the middle.

Hey, Bridgeport, Connecticut. No one's coming. Yes, they will. We're a walk-up. We're a walk-up kind of show. Yeah, we're a walk's coming. So. Yes they will. We're a walk up, we're a walk up kind of show. Yeah, we're a walk up. People can't walk there. It's one of those places where the stress factory's

like inside of a cheesecake factory in an abandoned mall. So hey, Bridgeport, Philadelphia, those tickets are flying at helium in November. Get those, Denver, get your tickets for Comedy Works. Yeah, it's gonna be great. The Eagles are still gonna have a chance at winning it all everybody's we also have a game on Sunday what oh we have a show on that Sunday's Sunday night do they probably play at 1 p.m. Eastern or what I don't fucking know

all I know is that last night Tua who is now retiring from football. I hope you know, you know, you know who ended his career? Yeah. Demar Hamlin. Yeah. Becker, you don't know about sports, I assume. No, but last year, the Buffalo Bills who are, you know, our favorite bar in Denver, they love the bills. Uh, and the S the Cincinnati Bengals are playing and it has major playoff implications I forgot about this spooky. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that is spooky. Uh, oh look who's being bad Play it like a mandolin. It's sam t's autograph Him and jello biafra kicking it in purgatory

We're just waiting. Are they going up? Are they going down? Which way is the elevator going, Charlie? Look, I'll tell you this. If I'm trapped in some kind of place forever with Jello, I'm in hell, aren't I? The elevator just always goes down, but you never get off, so you don't even know. You can't tell if you're going up or down.

The numbers change sometimes. He's just telling me about Reagan and the Camille Rouge. And I'm like, can I die again? Is there a way to kill myself again? You can't suck your own Dick, but Jello can suck his. Yeah. Even when he's doing it, he can still talk a mile a minute about boring politics while he's sucking his dick. He's still like, and that's why I do caucus would have saved us.

What were you saying? I totally derailed. Oh yeah. So tomorrow Hamlin has a heart attack during a game. Did he get hit by a helmet or the ball? I think he got hit by the vaccine. But God damn it. No, I'm kidding. Get vaxed. It's going 24. You know? Did he? Yeah, but he is like he took a helmet to the chest and that I don't know. fucked his heart and it stopped and he was unconscious.

He was medically dead on the field yeah the game ended yeah they ended the game becker that's how fucked up it was they just didn't they never rescheduled it so they just like didn't all bets pushed oh it was it was a tough night for vegas they had uh how long will damar hamlin be medically dead on the field before they cancel the game? Who's gonna die first? Tua or Hamlin? So this Hamlin guy is now the starting safety for the Bills Becker and last night Tua has his head down on a scramble doesn't have his neck bowed as everyone tells you since day one of football Never put your head down or maybe have your head up

Maybe fucking slide because you got your head, you got your head bounced off of the grass so hard several times last year. Please. Three concussions last year. Yeah. Just like he got, he got so fucked up Becker that they had to change concussion protocol for the whole league. Cause he clearly is like seeing stars, like there's tweety birds around his head on the field and then they're like he's fine they put him back in he's good to go he's hot to go he's dog brain he is ready to get out there but yeah you know the reason he didn't slide is because

he had thrown three picks right he's a gamer and And they were getting killed. And so he desperately wanted to get the crowd fired up, to maybe, maybe bowl over, give Hamlin, he's trying to hit Hamlin in the chest. In the chest. And kill him so that he can bowl him over. You and me. And then get into the end zone, yeah. One of us isn't walking away from this third and five,

Hamlin. It was, yeah, it was rough, man. Cause, cause it wasn't even a helmet to helmet. It wasn't one of these awful blows that you, that you, that used to see, you know, way more of it's Hamlin's arm. Just kind of like show giving some resistance to two as helmet and two are just fucking getting rubber neck. Like he was Jordan dollar Nate Balding in 2013.

It's because his hello yellow neck Biafra and yeah he it was rough and he's probably maybe he's done for the season maybe he's done for the next like three or four games. He has to retire he's going to pass away his brain is just fucking bumping around inside of his skull like a Plinko ball. He's got a, he's got a pivot and open for Hawk to a, they have to be a two man show to you were, you were, you were pumping that into the group chat last night as I'm having total ego death.

You're trying to get Hawk to a over. I said Hawk to a, when he threw that awful, uh, he tried to throw the ball away. Cause he was about to get sacked and he tried to just chuck it and he but he was going he was getting like knocked backwards and so he throws up this just sweet piece just perfect sideline meat for the for the Bills corner to gobble up and he runs it back you know so yeah because somebody was gonna spit on Hawk to his career. To me, both victims of pineapple curses. Well, you know what the Dole company did to his humble island?

You know, he's what you're asking. I guess did the locals hoping to have a better life? How about Josh Allen has a pistachio farm? Did that do anything to ground you last night or did it just scare you more? We're like, I'm a pistachio. I'm going to eat myself. You're going to wake up in a, in a pistachio tree, trying not to get picked so that you could stay with your friends in the safety of its branches.

No, no. I woke up to a false fire alarm at 8 30 this morning. So that was fun. Yeah. We are doing a test of the fire alarm. You still had to go outside? No, they were doing a test. They were announcing that they were going to do a test. So I was like, oh, cool. All right. Well, surely the test is imminent, it's coming in very soon. No, they did the test three hours later. So between 8 30 and 11 30 I'm in and out of sleep being like, it's gonna come, it's gonna happen, and then at 11 30, I'm completely nude. Whoops. So am I. You know what you shouldn't say whoops about is supporting our sponsors,

right Becker? That's correct. I'm sure you have them pulled up and ready to go. I tried to pull them up earlier and then I biffed it. Becker, don't. You should try to pull up your pants instead. Don't read it. Everybody hates when you read it. You gotta get on suspenders, Lund. You need suspenders. We gotta get suspenders, bro. You gotta get on suspenders, Lund. You need suspenders. We gotta get suspenders, bro. For a sponsor or should I pay? Just in general, we should start wearing suspenders.

There's two, huh? I'm on this fat guy subreddit for fashion advice and all the cool guys are wearing suspenders in there. Dude, I saw a picture of a guy who said he was 6'1", 240 and he took two pictures of himself in two different outfits, back to back same day. And you would not believe the difference between a slightly baggy, untucked, short sleeve shirt, and a tucked in belt, long sleeve with the sleeves rolled up, little hat

versus no hat. He looked like two different dudes little hat Well, not a little hat, but like a fucking hat and he's just goes from Unlovable to highly fuckable unlovable to fucking lickable It's not a little hat in general except for Becker Becker has a little hat. He never wears them wasn't little hat It helped make him look cooler. I'm thinking of like the Queen of Hearts from the new live-action Alice in Wonderland with Johnny Depp where she had the little hat. Am I conflating that with Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?

You know what we're not conflating is our love for our sponsors. Lund, take it away. Well are there two or not? Yes. There's two. All right. Well I've got MyBookie. Don't let football season pass you by without making an extra buck or two or 200 with MyBookie. MyBookie sports book and casino platform lets you put down your investment before the football

season even starts too late Although it has started So you is this the right one or what Becker you fucking me? No, this is it You trust the guy who's taken eight dabs and smoked a hundred joints in the last 40 minutes One dab one joint three or four cigarettes All right, well. This is definitely the after September 9th. This is my nightmare.

This is a different, all right, this is a different one. God damn it. This sucks. I sucked it in the chat. Yeah, I know. Let's cut all of this. This has devolved. You got it. You got it. You got it, Lund.

Well, it's just being annoying. I can't get the fucking original one back. Here, I got it. Ready? No. Yeah, I got it right here. This is mine to unfuck. You were reading the copy I have.

I know. Lund, why don't you kick back, relax and watch the games? If you have a favorite team, it's an awesome way to show your support or just throw caution to the wind, say fuck it and play the bet on something brand new. Blow up your old life and put it all on the line to try to get a new start. An act three for the ages. You know, as a responsible gambler, I don't know if we should just be throwing caution to the wind.

But, oh, you know. Say fuck it with my bookie. Don't tell your wife, get a secret cell phone devoted to my bookie, all right? Because it's none of her business. You do all the fucking work. You're the one at the foundry bleeding into the ore as she's at home watching my 600 pound life

and thinking one day. So yeah. Would he love me if I was a dog? Tua, oh, you know what you should bet on is how black is Mike McDaniels? Will Tua walk again? Lund! Ah come on. It's better this way. I'm back. I hit up Soder last night because Mike McDaniel was looking very black on the sideline and I was like, have you just been in a tanning bed?

What's going on? But no it turns out Mike McDaniels is a quarter black so thank you to Dan Soder. Now I'm gonna lock that in for next week. That's free money everyone. So make this football season a great one with my bookie. There's no need to download an app. Just click the link in the show notes, sign up and you're ready to bet. When you're ready to get started, use code chubby to claim a bonus that doubles your money on your very first deposit. You heard that right. Double your money with code CHUBBY before you even place a bet?

Don't ever miss out on the action bet anything anywhere anytime only with my bookie and on some of these apps when you have a first Time this is not in the copy This is the the ad read has ended But in some sports books if you put in the the deposit match you put in a thousand they match you a deposit Then you got to bet that money so you can play it through if you bet that thousand and then you cancel and you get your money back if you can cash out guess what that counts everyone so you just made a free thousand dollars thanks to old Sam T Jesus all right you know what you should do with that thousand dollars for everyone you should spend it on shorts

that's right summer is dead it's harsh but it's true as the weather grows cold your wardrobe needs to catch up unless you're me in which case you wear shorts all the time because the devil can take them off your body because no no cop ever could luckily chubbies has you covered from flannel line shorts to warm pullovers. Chubbies has what you need to make to take you from football game to the weekend bonfire. Ooh flannel line shorts.

I need to fucking look into that. Are they comfortable? They're not for you. Let me tell you this. I flew in these bad boys yesterday and I'm wearing them again today. I'm running it back. That's how comfortable they are.

You know I love Chubbies. Becker tell them I love Chubbies. They're your whole thing. He loves Chubbies. I'm running it back. That's how comfortable they are. You know, I love chubbies Becker tell him I love chubby your whole he loves chubbies. I can't get enough of them. They sponsor wide world. They sponsor us This is literally me making it all I ever wanted from life was to be like a skateboarder who gets put on flow and they get Sent free trucks and bearings and wheels That's what I've done between seven strong and chubbies and whatever these weird fucking socks are that guy sent me. You know what I need from you Chubbies? I need you guys to start making me a new leg sleeve.

I want personalized leg sleeves. Becker, maybe I'll put you on that. Compression sleeves with Against Me lyrics, pre-printed. Can you guys hear me or not? So if you want to be your best dress, this is the foolproof way to get it done. Lund is going to come back in at some point and he's gonna be so pissed that we're gonna fucking coast Through the last 45 minutes of this. Would you look at that? Folks for a limited time our friends at chubbies. It says verbatim and would you look at that? Is that one of our catchphrases?

No, I don't believe so. I don't think I've ever said and would you look at that, but you know we'll take the money. Folks, for a limited time our friends at Chubbies are giving Chubby Behemoth listeners 20% off with the promo code CHUBBY20 at checkout. ChubbyShorts.com that's 20% off your order with the promo code CHUBBY20. Support our show, tell them we sent you this fall. Make the most of every moment with Chubbies. All right, we should probably address the one situation. Can you see me?

It's probably a new link, I assume. I mean, probably, but he's also not seen the message, so I wonder if his internet went down or something. Well, me and you can ride this thing out. Hell, we never needed anybody. Oh, now he's typing. So he saw something. What the fuck? You can't hear me.

Oh, he thought he was still in here. Yep. No. Oh, we just had him for a second. Now he's back. Lund. Can you hear me or not? Yeah, we can now. Jesus Christ. for a second. Now he's back. Lund. Can you hear me or not? Yeah, we can now.

Jesus Christ. What a nightmare. I thought that I was just being quiet and you guys were getting through the ads. It gave me like a one second thing that said, maybe my internet was slow and then it went away. So. All right. You know what you should do?

You should work with Jela by Ofra to bring internet to Trinidad. He's 66, I'm 59, so yeah maybe between us we can figure it out. You and Jello need to team up. That's how you learn guitar dude. You've always been saying you want to learn guitar? Learn guitar and then play in like a proto-punk band with Jello Biafra and you guys can both, you know, be uniquely annoying in your own ways. God. What? What if he wanted to be friends with somebody cool in town and now you're ruining it?

Oh yeah, what if he listens to the pod? He's like, oh, I want to be plugged in to the local haps. I know what I'll do. I'll follow the youth to the airwaves. Chubby behemoth. Ooh, I like David Berkowitz. Let me tune into this new groove that all the cats are purring about and get to the dogs barking. I don't sound like that. He's alone in his fucking

mansion that he doesn't you know, because he has a bunch of money. He's like, Oh, how that's not me. Oh, how that's not me. Shit. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know anything about him. So it's funny that you're catching me up. Look, man, I think that, uh, he's from Boulder. I know that. And then I think he was in Austin for a minute. And then he moved. No, that was millions of dead cops moved to San Francisco. He's a San Francisco band. They used to play the Mabua egg gardens

Fuckin like milk bar closed down suddenly Oh, no our friends our friends aren't gonna get 30 bucks a week or when Connor Marshall's gonna have to eat cat food Where are they gonna buy some of the worst cocaine? they had they had Robin Williams drop in like 12 years ago or whatever. And it helped. It put them on the map or something. It was like this full-

I watched that documentary that Robin Williams doc on HBO Max. Yeah. It's really fucking good. Come inside my, come on my face. Come inside my mind. Come in my mouth. Something like that.

Come in my hotel and let me do an hour Improvised for you. Yeah, he had like he killed himself cuz he had like dog brain. He had Parkinson's I think He had what something that led to body dysmorphia brain Fat and gross he saw you in the mirror. He thought he saw us instead of being spelt and a skeleton He was a fucking chode. He all he saw was a chode And he had to do something about it Total chode chode alert. No. Yeah, I think he like, he was very sick. He did, he did the only brave thing.

So remember, if any of you guys go full Robin, everyone will remember you as an improv genius. He was so horny. He was just fucking his way through all of California forever. Yeah. Did I already talk about this? He was so pingo constantly that he would just slam cash.

He went to Milk Bar looking for a set of cool tits and he got a set on stage that put money in Connor Marshall's back pocket for years. I mean he left his first wife for the nanny. So you know, say what you will, but the man's a true player. Imagine fucking Robin Williams. Ooh, I'm in your butt. Oh, now I'm in your pussy man. Oh Lord, I'm about to cum in your mouth.

Don't let him do it. I am him. I am the captain now. He's just riffing the whole time. He's doing theing the whole time. He's doing the genie voice Griffin it and riffing it, ripping your pants and then riffing your ass to shred turns into a Griffin flies around the room jacking off.

I think for the last 10 minutes, we should probably let Becker clear the air Becker. What's going on with you? What's your deal? Uh, I went to the neurologist on Monday. They said, Ooh honey, you ain't got no brain in here. I know they think all my way to the flashlight up to your ear, and then they put their hand on the other side and did shadow puppets on the wall. That would have been nice.

No, they did a bunch of bullshit tests, though. It was stupid. It didn't feel thorough or real at all. It seemed like what we would do in a panic if we had to give a neurological test. Yes. They'd push back on my hand. Touch my nose. Yeah.

Oh, there was that. Yeah. Push back on antisemitism in your community. A little bit of that. What's your middle name? What's your favorite month? What comes after blue? Do an impression of Sammy Davis Jr. if he was Muslim. You nail it.

They're like, okay, there's still something in there. But no, so like all the weird pain is just atrophy and muscle loss. So I guess that's good that I don't have anything more wrong with my neuro system. Uh, and then I'm just still waiting to go get with the rheumatologist and do spinal taps and a bunch more bullshit. I'm not excited about that part at all. What's a brumatologist? A room, a tall, a gist R H U E M I think brumatologist? A roomatologist. R-H-U-E-M, I think. R-O-O-M.

He diagnoses whether you're in a room or not. Yeah. You have to just watch the room and pretend you enjoy it due to irony poisoning. Your brain only makes you think that you're watching the room at midnight at the Esquire and it's 2009. Yeah. And you're putting your arm around a girl and then she's leans into you and then you reach over and you

honker boob from over the shoulder and then she walks out. Been there. That sounds real. Oh yeah. But they did give me the pills that I had for our trip those like weird nerve pills. That you can only take three times a year. They told me I could only have them like intermittently when I got the first batch, but my neuro doctor was like, who cares? You can't, what are you going to do? Keep losing weight. So look, man, you don't have long.

He might as well go out comfy. Eat whatever you eat, whatever you want. Just don't go far from a toilet that you trust with some privacy. Eat whatever you want and then you'll go when you go. Yeah, but I'm back on the pills now so hopefully I can be eating normal. So are you saying that at the live Chubby Behemoth you will be trying to set a new record on muffin minis? No. My stomach shrank so much, I'll be setting no records for the foreseeable future.

Come on, that's your whole relationship with the people. They bring you weird shit, you eat it. I'll eat it, but I won't be able to eat like the most I've ever eaten at all. Okay. I think that, yeah, I was going to say let Lund step up and be the wind beneath your wings Oh, please bring a bunch of insane snacks to the live show of a hemoth at High Plains and Lund will eat every one of them Or I will pull the trigger that is attached to the gun that is in my hand and Jammed into his ribs, he can't feel it because of his fat pad, but I know it's there because of my coffee his ribs. He can't feel it because of his fat pad, but I know it's there. Cause of my coffee plated bulletproof vest.

I woke up to fucking gout toe, even though I'm on 300 milligrams of ala purinolo. So that's rough. Yesterday I hit Megan. Megan made a bunch of beef and bean chili for like burritos. So I ate a lot of beef and bean yesterday. Let me guess that that chili filling did not make its way into a tortilla. Oh yeah, no. You made it with your hands over the sink. No, I had a couple burritos for sure.

And then later, uh, spoonfuls out of the Le Creuset. Le Creuset. What's a couple? Followed by handfuls of Cheez-Its. When you say a couple, what do you mean? Couple of what? Burrito. You said you had a couple burritos. One big burrito, one smaller burrito. And then I went to bed from 3 to 6 30 p.m. Your body shut down? No. I woke up early. We went to Walmart to I had to do some stuff at the bar To finish cleaning the bar cuz uh I got hungry the night before and bail

Responsibilities to fourth meal no no I had barely eaten So I was I was ready to go. It's so funny, you say a couple burritos and it's like when they tell like an alcoholic goes to see Emmy and they're like okay how many drinks do you have? And they'll be like I have one and then Emily will be like okay how big is the cup? And they're like it's a 44 ounce styrofoam cup from Sonic. Yeah exactly. It's the size of like a well like if somebody had a well on their land. Yeah, you ate. Okay, so how much beef and bean did you eat? And you're like, oh, you know, I had a bowl and then it turns out it was a

toilet bowl full of it. I never said I had a bowl. You said you had a couple. I had a lot. I had a couple burritos and then I ate a lot more out of the slotted spoon. So no liquid. You don't want any of that liquid in there. Get it out of here. Solids only. I had liquid in the burritos.

I ate them with a fork. They were not handheld. They were fucking good too, man. But yeah, so I found the limit to the 300 milligram. Emily said that. Nothing could hurt you. Or, no, she said that the people, cause I thought 100 milligrams was like the standard

or something, that's like the ground floor. That's the ground beef and that's the ground floor. So I got up to 300, but she said that there's like four, 500, 600 milligrams. So maybe, maybe. Allegedly, she's heard rumors and myths that some people are on 600 milligrams. Yeah, they're hard to find.

You have to scour the middle of the country. Damn. And yeah, maybe I up my ala purinolo so that I can continue to eat what I want. Yeah, or just change your diet. Hey, your name change your diet. Hey, your name's the meat. You don't make healthy choices.

You have diarrhea nine times out of 10, and you're judging me? I'm just saying I don't live in fear of eating ground beef. I don't either. I taste that, and I live life. Not every spoon of ground beef could be my last. Ha ha ha ha ha! Too bad the gout's not in your jaw. That'd be great.

Because then the symptoms would be the cure. So that you could talk more, Jell-O? You could dominate even more, Big Baby Davis? No, I mean, go ahead, take it for a spin. Sammy Big Baby Davis? No, I mean, go ahead, take it for a spin. Sammy Big Baby Davis. I live in the shadows, man. I'm in the light. I see the light, actually.

I should turn this cross right side up because it has saved me. There's allopurinol in the wood and in the metal of the nails. Dick Stinkley gave me a cross in Columbus and I have no need for it. Thanks Stinkley. A big one. Yeah.

Big cross. He said this one's bigger than Lund's. You're cooler than Lund again. Way to go. Fuck that. Yeah. I got the big cross. This sucks.

I have to go get my wife. Why? She's, uh, she's at the beef store store we need more beef for our beans. Yeah she's she's waiting for fucking four o'clock when everything's half off. I'm eating my way through this uh flare up. That's good. More beef and bean. You're like Tua just banging his head against the wall of the ER right now. God, he's so fucked. He's not going to know what Hawk Tua is. That's going to be erased from his, from his memories.

Oh, speaking of Hawk Tua has a podcast and, uh, I, I assume that her people just emailed every agency, but I had an offer to do Hawk Tua's podcast next time in Nashville. I'm going to do it. Yeah. Jesus. Yes. This is what it's all about.

Opening for Hawk to a sponsor presented by two OCA and Drambo. Oh, are you going to get all drunk on Drambo? We this year at the fest? No, come on. I know it. Drambo is so bad. I will never have it again. If I fall off, it'll be on natural wine and natural light. It will not be fucking the worst liqueur there is. That was so bad, Drambuie. We tried it with everything and nothing works.

Yeah, I had a Drambuwi milkshake. You couldn't, you couldn't overcome whatever fucking root that Drambuwi comes from. Well, while we're telling secrets about ourselves, I also had a frosty last time at the airport. Good. You should have put some peanut butter cups into the milkshake. You don't think I did that? Oh hell yeah. Well, you kept it from us. Yeah, I did because you left it out of the chat.

You made fun of me. I did. Now I'm proud of you. It was a big one too. Chocolate? Yeah, chocolate, of course. Classic Frost. They do fun new flavors now. I don't care.

I don't fucking care, all right? As far as I'm concerned, there's only the chocolate frosty, there's two genders, all right? No, boy, come on. There's 13 stripes on the flag. No. Old school.

I like all the genders, but I don't want any more frosty flavors. Dude, the mixed berry one was great. Shut up. Did you get that pass? The season pass? What? Becker? Did you sign up for the frosty club? I haven't gotten it this year. What? I've gotten it last year and the year before. What are you guys talking about? You're not allowed to know about it. You buy a thing. It's not for you. Going through the drive-through and then you can get free frosties or dollar frosties. I think it's a, it's like a free little frosty with purchase and they had, they

had a few different flavors over the year. I signed up for it and then like didn't ever take advantage of it. It was done. Yeah. And it was also, we got an alert on your chart. It was also like $3. So it didn't make sense not to, but it didn't make me go to Wendy's more because it was just like Biden's been

doing subsidizing America's frosties. What? Yeah. It was a little shot glass of free frosty. Mine was not a shot glass. I had like 32 ounces of frosty last night. Nice. I didn't have to try to use a straw. Didn't work with separating the liquids from the solids. Had to go back. Got a spoon. It was good. I want Wendy's. I have to go. We have to go. Get on the page. Get on the Patreon.

That's right. Buy your tickets to these fucking shows Savannah. That's the only Georgia show I'm doing Charleston. I'm coming up there buy your fucking tickets everyone Buy the ticket take the ride