Chubby Behemoth - Borpo Grubmann

Episode Date: October 29, 2023

Art Gecko. I Have To Act So Mad. Mean Monkey Murderer.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

Hey, everybody. Becker here. The episode that's about to follow this has pretty bad audio quality. It's listenable. I apologize, everybody. It's my fault. I didn't realize that the audio interface wasn't picking up their microphones until we listened back to the recording afterwards. And I hope you all still enjoy the episode. The Patreon this week has great great audio and we'll have better audio going forward i apologize everybody thank you you're gonna have the pillow i like the pillow when we're talking about how it is sometimes when your body and like internally your body makes a fart noise you know there's like a gurgling but it sounds like a normal person was farting and how you want to be like no no that's just my insides dying that's just what it's not when just driving by the factory when we got a big order that

just came in yeah we just we opened up the loading dock and we just backed up the truck to it so don't worry that you're not gonna smell that yeah it doesn't count no one can be mad about it no it wasn't gross doesn't smell that's how a human body reacts to food sometimes it's fine to smell but this isn't that yeah i might smell later and look maybe i just have a residual odor from before but don't try and put

that new sound on my ass there's actually some weird pocket inside of my abdomen that most mammals don't have. It was my second stomach. It's my cud box. That cud thing is funny. They chew grass. Cows chew grass. Swallow it. Let the stomach have a little taste. And then the stomach's like, here, you can have it back now.

It's real teeth. And then they chew it some more. Yeah, it's like, here, you can have it back now. It's real teats. And then they chew it some more. Yeah, it's like, oh, you think you were full? Never mind. I'm out of here. Later, boys. Send it to stomach two. Yeah.

They have four stomachs. They have four? Yeah. What greedy. They're lucky we eat them. I agree with a lot of what the Hindus have to say. But eat a cow. Don't want to just be say but eat a cow don't want to just be the mayor of your don't want to get in the way of traffic becker look how greasy my hair is

whoa i can go wing static i can do edward scissorhands you got all the moves anyone's gonna cut my hair but it's like this maybe this might be the last hair can i ever get so let me have this for a while. Let me be Heat Miser for a little bit longer. Hello, boys. It's me, Nathan Lane. Oh, you really? I didn't see that curveball coming.

Yeah, yeah. Ooh, I'm Nathan Lane. I think I'll just stay in tonight. That's Nathan Lane if he was a boring wet blanket. Remember when we both looked like this all the time? I do remember, and I didn't like it. We were too crazy.

You're the heat miser, and I'm the other guy. The frost man. What's his name? His brother. I'll tell you what it is. It's not Nathan Lane. I'll just have soup you guys go ahead and get the big steak i'll just have a salad oh yeah you get a heavy soup and heavy soups across the street but we don't we haven't found

out what that means yeah they bring them out on a scale yeah you actually have to be on the scale look at how heavy this is yeah you're not heavy enough for the suit. He's not heavy. He's my brother. Just kidding. I was a single child. That's why I'm so lame. They only talk to adults. I won't talk to a child unless it's bringing me a glass of milk. I just want to go into the ceiling.

You can't. I'm over six feet tall with this hair. You're six too tall. You're five eight wide. No, not because of my penis. Because of my gut. Nathan Lame.

I hate water slides. This isn't me. I hope you're not trying to put a character on me no I'm doing Nathan Lane it was like a fun fantastic spectacle of a homosexual birdcage Nathan Lane but I'm doing Nathan Lane who's like oh

all this tea no sugar well you said salad so that felt like a dig at me. Well, I didn't remember it. So that was impregnated in me in my subconscious. Becker, there's a great Puerto Rican restaurant across the street. We're staying at the Holiday Inn Express here in Tampa. Beautiful, beautiful building.

Yeah, real top-notch holiday inn. It's not Art Deco. It's Art Gecko. There's a lot of lizards. Yeah, on the walls and the hall. There's just a lot of dropped tails in the hallway. People keep scaring the lizards and they think they have to flee. So yeah, it stinks. But across a very busy highway that we have to scamper across like frogger enthusiasts there's a puerto rican restaurant and we went there yesterday and one got the chunks

five or chunks dude uh when it came out i was like oh man they're overdone they're gonna be dry because of the way the outside looked it looked like i would go dude uh they nailed it it was fucking delightful big pile of chunks, too. They did not hold back. Yeah. Yeah. Nathan Lane would have hated it. This is too many chunks.

Oh, my God. How many people do you think will be eating with me? I'm going to blow chunks if I eat all these pork chunks. And then a guy pops out of the kitchen and says, I'm chunks. Remember that bit? Yeah. That was always a good bit. Blow bubbles.

Yeah. Were those chunks sauced up? No, no. No, but they had. Remember that bit? Yeah. That was always a good bit. Little bubbles. Yeah. Bubbles. Were those chunks sauced up? No, no. No, but they had. They had a delicious sauce that we were able to order. We called it in from the sauce bullpen. We said, hey, can we wet up these chunks a little bit? Got to wet up the chunks.

They were good on their own. Yeah. They were good without the sauce as well because they were cooked fucking perfectly. Yeah. They were good without the sauce as well because they were cooked fucking perfectly. And I got the Pork Chop Porterhouse, which has a, like a, what's it called? A skirt. It has a skirt of pork fat.

It has the chicharron attached. Whoa. So that's crispy, and then the meat is nice and juicy. You got that yesterday and today. I did. I double dipped. We went back today. One got a salad.

No chunks for him. I didn't want more chunks chunks i needed something to make sure that i continue to poop yeah but you didn't get anything there was no fiber in that well yeah well but the lettuce counts is like moving shit through or whatever i don't know dude it's just like cell water i know but there was cucumber there was way too much tomato it's mostly a tomato salad way too much tomato yeah but the was a tomato. The hair was the iceberg. Part of why I went light with just

the salad and some plantains was because Emily wanted to get a Chick-fil-A delivered to the hotel. So I had her get me a chicken sandwich, which I ate just a few minutes ago. What was I supposed to do? Not eat it? I don't know. Maybe offer me

a bite? No. You, what was I supposed to do? Not eat it? I don't know. Maybe offer me a bite? No. You ate it while I was in the room? I ate it right there. Remember when I was standing right there? You ate it in the bathroom? No. I ate it where the little counter here. I didn't see you consume it at all. Good.

How many bites? It wasn't for you. I didn't bite count. Bite one in the books. I write it down. What the fuck are you talking about? How many bites? I've seen you eat Chick-fil-A and usually you go, before you chew that bite, you go for another

one and the sandwich is flat. You take it off to the equator every time when you start eating. Somebody eating, Drew Brees was caught eating on camera and he was doing needs like me, which is, yeah,

you take the next bite before you're really done with the first one. Yeah. You show up before the sheriff shows up. You get it done before you come along and want half of a, the Sam tax. It would be nice to have a bite of your sandwich. I didn't want my, I had a porterhouse sport.

I had a second. You got a fucking salad like Nathan Lane no dressing no salt no pepper I had dressing I had a little cheese

could you actually put this in the freezer like a real cold it was good the plantains were good there was a real wad woman working in there

holy cow Lund was like check out this babe no I didn't say that. She was very big. They wear Puerto Rican style old world

dresses. Most of them are pretty, young and then there's the one that should have been assigned to us. It's like when you go to football camp, they do best on best. This should have been what on what. Look, they know how to speak your language, Maria.

Were the plantains like tostones or were they sweet fried ones? They were sweet fried. They had green ones too. They had stuffed ones. But yeah, I just wanted the plain. Yeah, there was a sweet. It was really good.

We'll probably go back there tomorrow as well. Also, the manual work there, dressed like they just got done rolling cigars and cockfighting. Oh, there's a big cockfight. Yeah, we got to get a picture of the cockfight. Oh, I thought you guys were going to go to a cockfight. If we go a third time,

I think they will tell us. We're cool. A location. Senor Sucios. Come back at midnight. They probably like your guys' shirts. I think so. I also went in there wearing the exact same outfit

as I did yesterday. With lame static over here. Lame static. Yeah. Don't push it. Yeah. Don't push it. No. Don't push it. Don't push it. It's a bull door.

We're having a nice time together. Mostly because we booted Emily. Nice. Damn got her in her own lobby. She wanted it though. It wasn't like, oh, she wants it. He forced it on her and she was like, please, I just want to love you. She was annoyed with us.

As soon as we came in last night before we came in she put a bunch of rules and mandates down for how we are to interact and speak to her oh yeah quiet zone no cv turn your phone brightness way down yeah no snoring no farting no giggling all the stuff we love to do yeah yeah before we even got into the room, Emily sent me a long list of I'm exhausted and I just want some quiet. So when you guys come in, don't make any noise whatsoever. In fact, take your shoes off at the

door and just shuffle in. Socks on, shoes off, and start shuffling. Cut your toenails short so they don't clack against the tie. Hold your breath until you get in the bed. Oh, and I snored. I got her when I was sleeping. I guess I was pretty loud.

She wasn't excited for another Friday, Saturday lunge situation. She was also having a little panic attack because she was worried that I was somehow going to fall asleep and a fucking fentanyl-laced Percocet was going to wander out of the jar and land in my mouth and I was somehow going to fall asleep and a fucking fentanyl-laced Percocet was going to wander out of the

jar and land in my mouth and I was going to die in my sleep. I remember before I went to bed, she was like, don't forget about me while you're sleeping. I was like, okay, she's gone mental. Well, I thought that was like, don't roll over onto me, don't fart in my face. Well, she did the thing where she went baby koala

where she clung to me and she fell asleep. She never does that unless she's like silently having a freak out attack. Yeah. So she also slept nude. Lums in the next bed. She's completely nude. Under the covers. Yeah.

She wasn't like showing me. Right. But like, you know how easy it is for her to fall asleep and turn over and you're just standing there whacking. What a nightmare. I would have to act so mad at you. How about this? I thought about... I'd have to be like, oh yeah, what the heck?

That is crazy, Juan. What the hell? And then just by giving him like a... It was very dark in here. I wouldn't have seen anything. I thought about if you guys

started to bang and I just had to like lay there and take it and just be like, this sucks. What the hell? I have to think about,

not even think about it, I have to hear it, I have to smell it. And we're not even doing it like quietly on our side. It's like I'm not here Reverse cowboy

Reverse cowboy is fun She has spurs on She clacks my thighs Get along We did that once when Kat was sleeping in the bed next to us And he was all fucked up And she's like let me have it Put it in me, sink it

Sink in my pinky stinky drain the bucket 12 footer yeah so i was like this i hated it i hated like having to quietly bang while her cousin pretended to be asleep four feet away from me i kept being like cat don't wake up and join us yeah Hey, Kat. Hey, whatever you do, don't come over here. Sorry, Dakota. It's not Dakota. What is it? Boston.

Oh, Boston. Yeah. Good old Boston. Yeah. My favorite guy. This was pre-Boston. I still had a shot. Dude, the other night we went to Husk.

I was in Charleston. We went to Husk and had the meal of a lifetime. Did you see those? Chef Ray. Did you see those Instagram stories? Did you see what I was posting, Becker? Yeah, I did. They were insane.

Dude, the best meal ever. Looked better than what we had, which was also incredible. Dude, mental. Chef Ray came to the show beforehand. Shout out to Sparrow. We sold that bitch out standing out. No big deal. Just another day at the office for a killer like me.

I'm like a fucking crazy gorilla monkey murderer on stage, you know? That's how I'm describing myself. That's what you said on that phone interview. I'm like a crazy monkey murderer. Crazy gorilla monkey murderer.

Like a monkey killer. He was like, okay. What do you think of Boulder? You're like, there's not very many monkeys up there that can hang with me. It's tough for me to cash a check so I don't come back with any monkey spelt. So yeah, dude.

I can tell you the exact meal that we had. Would you like me to walk you through my meal? No. Also, shout out to the dudes who brought me slime and Percocets and weed. I looked really cool in front of my family with just buckets of slime. Oh yeah, magic cards too. This kid gave me some magic cards.

I signed a Snorlax card, which was kind of insulting, but also funny. Started off with a pear, oysters, then broiled oysters, and then beef tartare, and then these donut pockets that had jamon iberico, and they were stuffed with homemade cheese whiz. Yeah, those looked wild. Homemade cheese whiz. Yeah, you would have gushed over these things. Yeah.

Then we had some kind of like fish crudo on taro, a couple of cocktails. This was the pate with, dude, dude, fucking roasted and broiled pate. And then soft pate with more pieces of bread. That was oxtail arancini. This was like lamb ravioli. This was shrimp. That's my wife's Hooters. Andre the Giant.

Andre the Giant. Black with the one strap. Yes. I called someone boss the other day. This was the rabbit bologna. I called someone boss and I was like, why am I talking like Andre the Giant? Yeah, that looked crazy. Yeah.

But anyway, we're there and we have like two bottles of wine and a couple of cocktails i'm really feeling myself because chef ray's coming out so he's like this is the coolest you've ever been this is like you're a celebrity now oh my god i was like look to stay close to me we're gonna be eating a lot of fancy meals uh but then this this server came up and was like oh my god can i see your fingernails to emily then she walked away i was like emmy ask her what she's doing later. Ask her if she wants to make a hundred bucks the hard way. And Emily and my sister were like,

what are you doing? What the hell? You're so gross. You're in your shot. It's over. The moment is done. You suck again. And it is 12.01 on October 24th out of nowhere.

Yeah. Oh, good. Yeah, the hallway is here. The cleanest hallway in Tampa. I was sucking for it at the Holiday Inn Express. This is the third time they vacuumed the hallway. I thought that was a vacuum

and then I was like, that must be my neighbor leaf blowing or something and it just sounds like a vacuum on there. I feel like someone dropped an ant farm out there geckos had babies and so there's like membrane all over the place placenta yeah not placenta they're not mammals they're not there's tails out there they're vacuuming up the tails people come in drunk and they stomp in and they're stepping on gecko tails but you know if they get it just right and kill it off the gecko can just wiggle free and leave the tail

and then regenerate see I'm a lizard guy I have a snake, I'm looking to get a lizard I want that dry leather look but I don't want it to be tan I want to have leathery skin but not tan I want it to be tan. I want to have leathery skin, but not tan. I want it to be kind of green looking.

So that's been my struggle. The snake's still alive though. Cause people have asked. The snake is fucking huge, man. He keep, I thought he was supposed to shed like twice and then he'd be like a full ground.

He just keeps shedding. Eventually he's going to be, you know, big enough to just live in the tub or We're going to have to shower around him. He is big. You're not going to be allowed to use your bathroom because this snake you inherited took it over and no bathroom. I mean, I'll dump.

I won't be able to shower. I'll be like you 10 years ago. What are you talking about? I'll dump, no shower. Emily wanted Sam to tell her a story and he was like, no, I don't have any stories. And I was like, hey, tell the story of when you got your dick caught in the fence, which I really should have said, say the story of how you met.

But that's what I remember. Yeah, it's been tainted forever. It's not that he fell in love. It's that he got chubbed while pissing in a fence. And I was trying to take a funny picture for a different girl where my dick was chubbed in the fence, and that's why I couldn't retract it. Oh, right. So, yeah, that didn't really come out at first. That was the first time.

So you always just said that you were peeing and there was a hole. It was a wood fence, so it was a knot hole. Yeah. And he wondered if his dick could fit, and so he did it, and then just acted like he got chucked up

for no reason. I never go and do a pussy hard, but I get hard as soon as I'm in there. Stuff's soft, and then it rises in the oven. It's like a DiGiorno.

That's when I put it in the pudding. Before. sure now. That's to prove? No, that's when I put it in the pudding. Yeah, that makes way more sense. We're trying to chub it. I chubbed up and I was going to send a picture to this other woman who was having me. Yes.

Who kept swallowing my kids. Oh, God. Oh, God. That sucks. and then we kept swallowing my kids oh god that sucks yeah you liked it too much too it wasn't just the way you said it it was not that you liked it he's feeling himself again this sucks

give me back the smelly normal guy not the rock star I was accused of freaking oh yeah part then i was a rock star i was accused of freaking oh yeah so yeah that was yeah that's get in frame part of the stuff oh i'm in frame becker would say you're fine you guys are good okay see yeah and i was like you smell so bad under the pillow i was like i'm not i'm not i didn't smell bad back then when you both were like oh yeah we were there what you

just try to lie you try to control the narrative don't accuse me of never showering you didn't smell bad back then. We were there. You just try to lie. You try to control the narrative. You accused me of never showering. You literally would make fun of me when I would shower once a day or every other day. You'd be like, what are you wasting your time for? I was like, what?

You already showered yesterday. Dude, that's insane. That was your thing. I was a raw dog in a pair of denim overalls. No underwear. Cigarettes. Weed. Yes, please.

As many as he could have. Didn't you also not shower in high school? Didn't you tell me that once? Yeah, he never showered. No, I didn't brush my teeth a lot in high school. Oh, that's what it was. His family made him shower for a few weeks. And it took all three of them plus plus the neighbors, to get him under the shower.

They had soapy hands, so as they wrestled him, they were cleaning. He would fight them. They'd just get a little soap on them. This is the time I can't be playing Madden 2004. Vix on the Falcons. Let me go. Oh, dude. Becker in Charleston.

Shout out to Sophie. I was worried that it was going to be me and Mel were like captives of Bitch Planet. My sister did not show her ass she was a lot of fun emmy was fun mel's the man he's had a nice couple days in charleston eating nice meals and ripping around on a golf cart fuck yeah yeah i'm not ripping around well no we were when i was when i was driving it alone it would hit 30 but as soon as we got the fucking wad squad on it was having enough time

clearing 12 but we're driving down king street you know jimmy neutron yeah and i'm boy genius i'm sorry i'm hair shaving here me my hair's cool hey all right all right cool so yeah we are uh we have this golf cart and they were we're King Street, which is like a very old... Charleston's one of the oldest cities in America, right? And it is just like dudes in polos and expensive golf shorts. I went to the Chubby's store. There's a Chubby's store in Charleston. And?

I didn't buy anything. They let you down. Yeah, they failed me. They had one Chubby pant and it was a 28. They had a XXL Chubby pant, it was a 28 which they had a double XL chubby pant which is like a between a 42 and a 48 hell yeah and then a 28 inch inseam so it was just for Lunds it was like yeah it's all Lunds so I was like I'm gonna buy these well it was funny because I walked in and I was talking to him and then Sophie and Emily were getting a

coffee then Emily comes in first and I hear I'm in the then Sophie and Emily were getting a coffee and Emily comes in first and I hear I'm in the changing room I hear say hey like a huge guy come in here you know like a lobster shirt and they were like yeah he's in the changing room she comes in she sees you know she sees me with the pants she's like these aren't gonna fit look at your huge ass oh my god guys are so big in this like you know paper partition everyone out there all the 22 year olds who work there hear this woman walk in and shame the monkey they're murdering mad men while i'm getting blasted sophie walks in and she says hey did like a massive guy walk in here and they were like lobster shirt and she went yeah two for two with the most important women in my life now r.i.p betsy

yeah just up my ass body shaming me to strange children four guys sneak in here like the biggest man you've ever seen come in the grossest dude of all time probably trying to pick out some pants that didn't fit his odd bod oh my god yeah he's uh behind door number one and door number two to the most perverted child of god come in here and ruin your day did a guy who looks like he didn't shower for a lot of years come in here with like a woman who looks like a prostitute probably some brawlish short hair is she tending to him in one of your rooms because that's their thing that's their kink so yeah so that happened but then we had this golf cart and they were playing

like just like fucking rihanna and doja cat which is fine but for an hour, it gets too much. So I'm driving, and I have sunglasses on and my big safari hat, and I protest, and I say, you ever want to listen to some rock and roll? And my sister says, what do you want to listen to, Sweet Leaf? And I was like, yes, Sophie, I do. And then we blasted Sweet Leaf, ripping down King Street as loud as we could on that golf cart. And, dude, when I say that we were turning heads and getting thumbs up, old dudes were turning and smiling.

I was hitting them with the thumbs up, the point, hitting them over the sunglasses with these. This old black guy with dreadlocks saw us coming, and he turned and he threw up the shaka, and I bowed at him while driving over the steering wheel. Nice. and he turned and he threw up the shaka and i bowed at him while driving over the steering wheel nice dude listening to sweet leaf into jail into boys are back in town into jail break into rodeo by garth brooks we were the fucking talk of the streets man fuck yeah coolest guy i get my men leave their wives when they turn 50 and buy a sports car like i have a convertible and just play Sweet Leaf with the fucking top off. I don't need Emmy. I don't need anyone.

I don't need you guys. You don't want me in shotgun? I want you in the back laying sideways like them boys in the day. Yeah. I want you laying down in the backseat. Then you pop up every now and then over the door. You hit him with a

Hello! Alright now! the door are you gonna look at oh hello all right now yeah that's what i want dude i could be a golf cart guy so easy i could just be like a fucking pint of rum and pineapple juice a day kind of guy pineapple juice yeah that's what i heard you said juice weird okay well well let's talk about it why'd you say juice weird uh i think i said pineapple juice but sorry make fun of my speech impediment that's fine that's supportive oh you know sam's big idea go ahead was what if well hey and he said what if well no i'm gonna explain why we're not doing okay uh you went to get coffee across the highway he was like what if we're scoring brother we're doing what if dibs on heaven i'm heaven score the third one the accountant

uh book cooker he said what if I did a character? I said I'd been cracking up about how funny it was. Yes, I said, this is what I've been thinking we should do on the pod. No, you didn't. Okay, go ahead. He thought it was going to work to have a guy on as a guest who sounds just like Sam. He's like, hey. Sound voice twins.

Yeah, I was in Charleston and there was this guy. People were like, you got to meet this guy. He sounds just like you uh so yeah we decided to have this guy on everyone please welcome to the pod elliot reed which is the name of uh sarah chalk and scripts it's just like a guy it's the guy who said so it goes kind of like this it's like hey elliot how are you good sam glad to be here thanks for having me on so elliot, what do you do for a living? I'm a real estate agent in Greater Charleston, and I'm North Charleston, playing for this all the way down to Tybee Island. That sounds interesting, Elliot.

Thank you, Sam. He just wanted to talk twice. Yeah. He wanted to watch me out. He was like, what if there's a guy? And I was like, can I do the voice? He's like, no, it would be me both times. Yeah, exactly.

I just get to talk more yeah but then you want me to sit there but then you're like holy shit here like let's try it out ready so becker uh we're gonna have this guy on real quick his name's elliot he i guess he sounds like me i don't know i don't really hear it but everyone says he does so please welcome elliot reed uh elliot how are you good good big fan of the pond really you listen oh yeah that really gets me through my morning workout what does that mean what he sounds just like you i don't really hear yeah me either it's nuts i don't think it sounds like me me either elliot it's exactly the same really yeah like pitch perfect like he has known you his whole life separated at birth type shit

ellie where'd you grow up i grew up in uh atlanta when i moved up here through tax breaks oh that's cool i love atlanta i can't believe it yeah and then i was gonna sell it and then i was very quickly it was your idea to do it because i was like we can't do it because of the visual it's a visual medium people are watching on YouTube. Yeah. And then I'm so dumb, I said, well, we just had him off camera. Elliot, it's really good that you're here today. He's camera shy. Yeah, he doesn't

want to be on. But then you can still see my lips. He has a good, but I do Elliot's voice. Yeah, Sam, thanks for having me. No problem. At any time, you can come on whenever you want to. That shirt is crazy. It is get that well chubbies oh really the one right there on king street yep yep yep that's the one so it was that that was the bit that i've been cracking up over very good very good thank you becker well do you guys have any bits you guys think about for the final? I've had a bit going this whole time. Big hair guy?

My hair's greasy. I dreamt about a bit last night that was you guys. I dreamt about you guys in London, but it was like old Victorian London. And people kept calling you whores for exposing your ankles, and I was dying. Whores? That was your dream? Yep. Wow. We should recreate that when we're over there yeah i'd love to be called a whore by some limey fuck were we wearing i was

no you sam was just wearing his short shorts and people kept being offended by his legs and it was like very funny to me i woke up giggling one was talking to sleepless. In between dying momentarily every 30 seconds. Oh, I snored a little bit. Who cares? It was not a little bit. It rocked the shocks of the very hotel. I'm good at it. Yeah, I mean, it's a gecko.

It's all tiny detail. The geckos fled. The geckos fled because, yeah, they thought there was an earthquake happening. Oh, we saw a dead crow, too. were you okay lund yeah but it sucked i was like whoa dead bird and i was like oh it was like it was a dead crow you can't save all of them who's gonna see what happened what happened on that one i don't know does anybody care i don't care about birds. It was a good size crow. Not huge. Not as big as the Trinidad. I mean, it was also fucking been picked over. Yeah, that's why it was hard to tell that it was a crow.

There wasn't a lot of feathers. It was a crow magnum. I got the big old forehead the slope i got the sloping forehead of a crow magnum oh dude early man tell we had a great show last night well i had a great show last night i did great for the first 18 really crashed he fucking hit a bunch of pedestrians in his van in Toronto. So, we, after the show, we're talking to all these rabid fans. They're buying the book, you know. Long line. Long wish I must say. Yeah, that was cool. It's why I tried to close on a dark thing.

I knew there were some Sam T-heads that we saw going in. My people like fucking whimsy and silliness. But no, some of them like fucked up stuff, and they like me. They'reiness but no some of them like fucked up stuff and they like me they're lung guys half of them they're lung guys in training they're like my real my real tics online and I try to do

the joke about that body scraper which has been awesome it usually is everywhere no it's a tough one sometimes people clam up which I think is crazy like the only time I think it's tough to laugh freely

with dark stuff is if it's right after a specific event and you're shitting on a child victim. I think that's when it's tough. I'm talking in the abstract. Last night, I did the Lewiston shooting. I was like, what, Losertown?

Shut up. They lost 18 to 24. I would never do that. But yeah, to specifically mention something where the victims were innocent victims, young, fine. Child cancer. We don't know if those people in Lewiston were innocent.

We all mourn with Lewiston. Shut up. We did. We're mourning. The nation's ruined. But anyway, Lund does dead body scraper. And he needed someone to come scrape him up after he did it. People got real quiet.

And they had been fond, but yeah. I thought that they liked me. I'd built up enough rapport that, yeah, I'm going to talk about this thing where things may just keep getting darker. And so people are going to jump off of buildings. And then the hot new job will be dead body scraper. And yeah, they didn't fucking like it. And I didn't want to go long. I didn't fucking like it and i didn't have i didn't want to go long i didn't want to try to come up like do something else so i just was like

all right bye enjoy sam i guess i have to close on that i'm closing on that yeah close the casket because i'm dead because i just died but hey don't worry guys we got a real fucking mean monkey murderer coming up yeah yeah that's where he got what i said as it was as i was like trying to go off on something a smile a little bit of hope god bless y'all i said god bless r.i.p chris but yeah afterward they're all in line and they come up and uh there was this chick who was the first in line at the merch booth and she just kind of like lingered and she wanted to run a hilarious bit with lund and lund explained the bit to me today and i'm pretty sure that she'd been chloroformed at a young age and put into some kind of brain decay uh what was the bit

well yeah she she wanted she's she wanted to shake my hand and say something to me and then sam and sam was talking to somebody else so she like i went to shake her hand and she like told me to hold on you know she's called and so she's like looking at him waiting for him no he's just stuck he's just paralyzed by weed. I'm listening. Moss just pulled up. I was texting him to come in very quietly. Oh, wow. Another episode of Who Cares featuring Zach Moss. That's cool.

Okay, so yeah, this chick. She just wants Sam to hear what she has to say. So I'm like, oh, she's going to say that I was great and then say something to Sam like, oh, maybe you'll be funnier next time. Yeah, you'll figure it out. Yeah. But instead she goes, she waits for him to be ready. I was like,

Oh, this is going to be good. And she goes, she takes my hand. She says, you were hilarious. Shake Sam's hand. You were hilarious too.

I was laughing, but then I saw your hair when you came on stage and I was like, what? Oh, okay. Yeah. Good thing we waited for you to pull off this zany fucking gag who says women aren't funny oh dude speaking of chris for hitchens

bro should we talk about that video that i sent to everyone last night no okay who's the comic who sucks dude what maybe i'll post it on the patreon most comics suck these days yeah dude there are some very embarrassing clips being posted online and i feel like we could just do a podcast where people send in the most embarrassing one minute crowd work or front-facing camera videos And we could just skewer those. Cause God, a lot of people should not be allowed to ever hold a microphone again. They should honestly have their hands cut off.

Like they were stealing an Agrabah. You know what I mean? Whoa. Oh, Zach Moss is in town. Uh, yeah. It's just like,

who is, who watches these fucking clips and says that's it that's the ticket good there we go that's my fucking i'll be i'll be headlining at dry heat comedy club in no time lund found out this comic has been booked to headline dry heat comedy club in albuquerque twice and lund has been told yeah we'd love to have you and has never done it and now he's raising a one-man war against the establishment this is what makes a man start fighting it's like come on he's gonna get it for vendetta what are you gonna do i book somebody they don't book me back it's funny yeah

the sun comes up and it goes down and comes up again. Goes down on me. Don't let his sun go down on me. Don't let your sun go down on me. He's only a boy. Sometimes when I come, it's actually pee. Oh, no. I don't want to pee in your son's mouth. But I will.

If I have to. That's not my kink. I'm more of a poopy guy. Oh, yeah. We got to get down by 645 so we can watch Bellboy Justice do a bunch of wheelies on his motorbike. We got time. I know. The skinny works here.

I come in and I come in. So Lon gets to the hotel at like 630 a.m. in Charleston. He's not on the reservation, so he has to putter around. Oh, in Tampa. We're in Tampa. He has to putter around. Your heart is still in Charleston. It is, yeah. So he's like in the lobby for two hours. I wake up at like 8.30. I finally

see his text. Please help me. Well, I told you when my flight landed, and I asked what the hotel was And you sent me the name of the hotel And left it at that So what did you think was going to happen? I didn't see the 6am, so that's on me

I thought you got in at 6pm I didn't know you were red-eyeing on the frontier To tamper, so I apologize But yeah, anyway He gets in I get in at like 3, I come to check Into the hotel, the kid behind the desk His name's Justice, he gets in, I get in at like three. I go come to check into the hotel. The kid behind the desk, his name is Justice. He's watching my Kill Tony.

I was like, hey, I'm checking in. I'm saying, he's like, I know who you are. And he flips the screen. He's watching Kill Tony. Big fan, man. Love comedy. Let me tell you, if you're going to blaze, you go out this door. All right.

That breakfast says it's open till nine. We stay open till about 9.45. Whatever you need while you're here, just count on J Money. I got you. Last night, he tells us to be that he's a stunt writer and a fucking stunt man.

He's got this motorcycle. He's wearing a pig helmet and going on some kind of ride. Cop outfit. Cop outfit, pig helmet. And he was going to do wheelies up and down all of Tampa. Because I asked him if he was working Friday and Saturday because we had

more shows. And he was like, I'm working Friday and then Saturday I'm going to be doing wheelies. I'm going to be doing stunt riding all around Tampa wearing my cop outfit and my pig mask. And I was like like so you're gonna get killed by cops you're gonna get killed like 9 p.m yeah and then i thought there's no way he's not gonna like get in trouble with the hotel like because he had the pig helmet out and this morning

and he was like yeah man i've been getting compliments on it all day and i was like what from hugh probably the cool pig helmet. Yeah, I think it's the Cuban nationals who swam to this hotel are very anti-police. This all seems odd. Is he pretending this is like a paid gig? No. Oh, he said that we are similar, stunt writers and comedians.

Being a stunt writer is the exact same thing as cutting your teeth in comedy. We're both trying to get the attention of like a big entity to like sponsor us pay us give us opportunities and he said what like getting sponsored by monster yeah red bull uh yeah like having a big account like want you to come uh wear their shirt at like a stunt competition or whatever like the aclu or something yeah it was very funny right for free speech i want him to come to a show so that we can uh hang yeah i mean you can just go to the lobby right now and hang out with them he would love that more than anything else in the world i'm gonna do that he has some one-on-one i'm gonna get out of here yeah yeah go down there i'm gonna go put the pig helmet on. Yeah, and they're going to be like,

hey, are you wearing a helmet or is that just your face? We can't really tell. You look like a clean-shaven version of a guy that checked in here yesterday. He wasn't on the reservation. He had way too much breakfast. For somebody who maybe didn't even pay for the room. Yeah, tell them your fucking story

about yesterday morning. Well, I got, like like i said i got here you left me out to dry shanghai put you in your place i remind you what the pecking order is i tried to set myself up for success by telling you when i would be here and asking for the hotel so i could get an uber and you didn't do shit to help me at all. And then you almost did shit. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I get here. Well, you know, I drove up.

I left Trinidad at like 8.30 p.m. Drive to the parking lot to get to DIA. And I didn't sleep on the plane. So I kept the hotel. I'm exhausted. They're like, oh, you're not on the reservation. So maybe get a hold of him and have some coffee. And I was like, yeah, I want to go to bed, not have coffee right now. So, yeah, I dicked around on my phone until Sam woke up.

And at some point they were like, the woman working said I could have the breakfast. Hey, homeless guy who doesn't have a reservation here, go help yourself some swap. Please get out of the lobby. Hey, big helmet. I't have a reservation here, go help yourself some swat. Please get out of the walkie. Hey, big helmet. Don't put the visor on that thing. Go hide. Please hide away. Potential guests. Don't eat the geckos. So one went in there

and had some food. Some food. I had two plates of breakfast and started to have to shit as Sam is like hey I'm awake I'll call

the hotel I'm like okay I think I have four minutes before I'm going to shit I'm not going to use this toilet well there's a bathroom in the lobby but it's just one big room so there's no stall doors. I don't want to lock it.

It's a bunch of holes. It's like you're in an Ecuadorian prison. I don't want to lock it and have somebody try it, and maybe they get in. It would have been awful. Maybe they get in. I don't want... Well, you know, locks don't lock all the time. Someone's jimmying it.

Imagine that. Imagine using your lock pick kit to get all the time. Someone's jimmying it. Imagine that. Using your lockpick kit to get into the bathroom. Jewels in there. Just Lund dumping with his shirt off. Completely nude. My clothes are in the pile in the corner. Yeah, there's a bunch of geckos. With my shoes on top of them.

Completely nude. It's 830. he's eating on the toilet he's having biscuits and gravy but yeah so I hear the woman on the phone with Sam yeah he's here I told him he wasn't on the reservation

and so we were just kind of hoping you'd wake up and then yeah she starts telling me about like the internet and when the pool closes and i'm like lady please shut up i don't want to like cut you off and uh you know scurry away holding my ass so i it was it was close you were just nodded and i said okay yeah access code so i don't have to put my last name and room number in. Yeah, please, just let me go.

And I made it. I made it in here. I dumped. I went to bed. It was great. Yep. And then I showed up and woke him up around 3.30

and he was happy to see me. Nice. Yep. I slept for maybe six hours which was enough yeah dude the guy who's hosting for us this weekend has a perfectly square head this kid forest no way total blockhead sitch it's awesome does he have the haircut oh yeah oh man that rules the flat top where they like almost show skin on top i, he couldn't help but have a flat top no matter what. He'd have an afro and still be fucking flat.

Damn. Meanwhile, I've gone crazy here. Look at this. Yeah, it's looking good. Porcupine head. I think that stuff's working. Oh, you're doing the stuff? Shut up. You're cheating? Shut up.

You've announced it on here multiple times not doing anything you're not juicing you're gonna get a tram you're juicing i'm on steroids i'm on tea sam t i'm taking tea elliot are you on t sure i am no interesting is it. Is it working? It really is. I've seen great results. I like the idea of leaning in so they can see your lips more. Well, that's the issue, is that even if we did it and he was off camera,

you can still see my lips. You can still see Elliot's voice. Am I talking? Am I not? Am I talking or not? Elliot, how are you today? I'm selling it. I'm good. You can do a voice for Elliot? Yeah. People say

you sound just like me, Elliot. People have sent me clips of yours and they said you sound just like Sam Cowan. I said, who is this guy? He's actually pretty funny. I appreciate you saying that, Elliot. This thing has no legs. but it's a good step because you're only saying elliot when you're sam that's right yeah yeah yeah i mean i really want to be

the best at impressions but it's tough there's so many like greats out there frank caliendo he's a freak Frank Oz Frank Oz yeah he did not the same sorry Frank sorry Frankie we have to do an ad read on this one I did not get an ad read I was just

looking the last one I got was for the 16th so if we got one it was just sent to you. Oh, look at you. No, it is not. What's Zach laying in on? He said our plug is for his album release,

but it's definitely not. Oh, yeah, we could plug that. What's going on? You put out some more bullshit? Punching Jesus is coming out uh november 9th you can pre-order it now at zach moss.com do you like middling guitar comedy that really doesn't work outside of the mountain time zone if so give zach moss's new album, Funky Jesus, a try. He does all of his favorite songs, Taco Bell on Colfax.

So yeah, check that out. You got no arms. You got no arms, girl. Baby, you got no arms. Dude, I got to say this. I could become a fucking Florida beach vagrant so easy oh yeah everyone knows that about you yeah dude if i just had like an all i need is one pharmacist friend who moves to orlando the pensacola beach skittles and i can just fucking be either zooted or booted on like 30s or zans i mean i can't take these things now because i

have this big bold career in front of me but man if i if i ever got accused of something and you could find me yeah you could find me i'd be fucking sunburned i just look like a goddamn pumpkin year round so you move to florida and stay on parks you wouldn't just go for morphine you wouldn't go for the real skittle no no no i don't want to be a loser no morphine rules no because i still have to write my like you know i'd write some kind of like a daily column in like the the fucking key west breeze or something about like dude there's a whole island in key west that no one knows who owns it because it was like it's been debated forever and it's right off like if you could swim there from like the key west main island it's called wisteria island and there's hobos who live out there and all they do is they

just like they have these like dinghies and they ride back and forth and they fish and they like wait for like a liquor truck to unload and they go steal a couple bottles then disappear into the sea they just live on this island they can't kick them off like the cops can't kick them off the only thing they can do is they take helicopters and they like drive real close to the island and like knock a bunch of coconuts out of the trees. They're like flyovers. Every now and then a hobo gets conked with a coconut. But then the other hobos just steal his shoes and roast his body.

Really, it's just fine. I'm so envious of these hobos. It's such a great life. They're monkey men murderers. They don't have a leader. You're thinking about trying to install your government. No, I would just go in and be one of their slaves.

Oh, you would start at the bottom. You'd start at the bottom. You'd work your way to the top. I'd be in the mail room. I'd actually be in the whale room. Yeah, I really just want to tap out of society. If this new special flubs, I'm just going to be like, you know what? I had a good run. I'll see you guys later.

Oh, yeah. Speaking of specials, I'm not those Zacks bullshit. Yeah. Yours. Oh, yeah. I'm going to film my special in Cincinnati, December 1st and 2nd. Go Nanners. Go Bananas. If you guys want to make a pilgrimage, I would

really like it to be a lot of people who I like and enjoy. Have it be a free ticket giveaway type thing. Whoa, your birthday was in June and you missed your opportunity to come to a show. Have them show up late. Like you're up there.

You've been up there for 15 minutes and then like 12 people come in loud. I don't know if they're wearing it. Sit in the front. It's her birthday. It's her birthday. That's the real album. Yeah. It's my birthday.

That's the real shit. I should say it's my birthday. Get a free Sunday. Birthday. I can't believe I got Emily in her own hotel room. I can. Imagine if she's been in here this whole time, just rolling her eyes at us, gritting her teeth so she

doesn't say anything negative about us. Yeah. Hating it the whole time. That was the right move. Well, you know what? She loves eating the sausage. This is how it's made. You saved your marriage by spending, what, $115 on a hotel room? $230. Yikes. I didn't get into this business to make money.

You don't have an ad this week? I'm ruined. I'm hemorrhaging cash left and right. You didn't pay yourself last month. What? She didn't pay herself. Why? Because the business is failing?

No, it's doing all right. Yeah, that's how you know. It's hard to cut yourself a check when you're in business. What are we supposed to do? I'm supposed to work harder. I'm already keeping one woman with it. Emily's hands look like that, so mine can look like this. You know what I mean?

The goddamn penny. Unless it's one of my own out of my purse. I can't keep preaching cool glasses and pompadour wigs. Nobody asked you to help. I can't save you. I'm fine. I'm doing good. You know what would be great is if everyone joined the Patreon.

Everyone listening to these free episodes would just join the Patreon. We'd have so much money. I wouldn't need a day job. You could live whatever schedule you wanted, and it wouldn't ruin me. Yeah, imagine if I was doing that already. Yeah, you're going to make more. Well, I know, but it wouldn't ruin me. Yeah, Becker, if we get more listeners, you're for sure getting a bigger cut.

You reached your ceiling. Yeah. So that's pretty cool. You've tapped out, Becker. You might get a yearly bonus or whatever. Yeah. What are you talking about? We're going to get you a Sorrento ham.

And as soon as you're done with it, you'll get a new one. So that's kind of on you. If you want to work hard and finish the ham, we'll get you a new ham. That's all that you get. I mean, I just don't get it. Why can you guys just, look, look. Pull over whatever vehicle you're stalking your ex in right now listener all right whatever i know that you're lurking out in front of a fucking dollar general waiting for tiffany to

get off work so you can just pretend like you were coming in at the same time she's getting off and see if she's still using that same the same shampoo the one that you smell in your dreams the one that that pillowcase still smells like that you keep so close, even though it's getting crusty with your loads. Just fucking park the car for a second, go to patreon.com slash chevythehemoth and give us five bucks a month.

It's all that easy. I've heard a few people say that they listen to episodes multiple times. So not only are you getting a bunch of new episodes but a bunch of episodes that you could listen to again and again yeah so it's not just three years of memories that you get to you know plow through quickly and then just like burp and be like what what else is good yeah you uh are investing in your future you can revisit them you can memorize your favorite

lines you can nail your Becker impression down. You can be one of the 900 people that is still saying, whoa, Becker's black or wait, Becker's white. You can be the first person to say, whoa, Becker's black.

Yeah. This is a little anti-comedy. I'm stone. Oh yeah. Once we get in the high the whole time, I remember. Yeah. I don't bring a pen,

but this time I brought a pen. I'm glad. Maybe the whole time. I remember. Yeah. You should go bring a pen. But this time I brought a pen. I'm glad. Maybe I should fucking get stoned. Yeah. I can't do that. Too late. I'm drunk, Jay. Oh, I don't know.

I'm falling asleep. I gave you those. I hate it so much when you grab the back of my hand. I haven't done it in a couple years. That's the worst thing that you do. I don't do it. You grab the back of my head and barely push it towards you and cry. It grosses both of us out

so much. That's why you didn't gross me out. I think I'm into it. But literally, just stop what you're doing right now. It'll take you 30 seconds. Your card is already loaded up on the Patreon app because you're buying fucking hentai from Japan. Why not support an American-made business? And join patreon.com.

All right? I'm tired of Stuffed Island having more listeners, more Patreon people than us. There's so many pods out there that do better than us on Patreon. I don't know what it is. I think it's mostly because of Becker. Okay. We're going to get Becker a Sorrento ham.

And when we get to a thousand Patreons, we're really going to blow it out nasty style. I don't want to say too much, but we're going to get John Michaels to give Lund Head live on the clock. I can't imagine it either.

I'd be sitting right over here like, whoa. Whoa, it's happening. Whoa, she's really gorking his Borpo. Oh, it's my Borpo. Oh, yeah, that's another funny new name. I came up with Borpo Grubman. Okay.

That's one getting you? Yep. In the golf cart? Yeah. Well, I was on the beach for Sophie's birthday, and we were having a big public sandwich. It's what she wanted was a public sandwich picnic on the beach, and I kept missing my mouth at the sandwich. Chicken tender? Yeah, and I'd go, oh, I'm sorry.

I haven't eaten before. My name is Borpo Gruppen. It kept hitting. I'll bet it did. It did, yeah No, I'm sorry, I don't really do a lot of eating Borpo Grubman, nice to meet you I'll bet they hated it

It was Sophie's birthday and you're doing that I'm hitting them with the Borpo Grubman Getting sand in the sandwich Oh, sorry, I thought that's what sandwiches got their name from I'm bumping Grondo No, Borpo Grubman, get it right Quit clubbing the. I'm bumping Gromdo. No, Borpo Grumman. Get it right. Quit clubbing the bits.

I'm still. Join the Patreon. Also, come see me in Stockholm at Big Ben Comedy. Thursday, November, first Thursday in November. And then Tallinn in Tartu, Estonia. Prague, Vienna, Budapest, Bratislava, Dublin.

We added a show Wednesday, November 15th. You can get those tickets. London will be there. And then London. Look, you don't like me. I don't like you. Our show got moved to Wembley Stadium, which seats, I think, 80,000. 80,000 people.

A third is sold, which is crazy. Which is pretty good. It's nuts that the 23 000 people want to come see us but cool yeah no it's the leicester theater go on samtalent.com and get those tickets because we're a third sold which is crazy that 130 people want to come see me if it's 400 all right so get those tickets and your website says, I think, that you're in Stockholm, Norway, which made me giggle. Thanks, Melissa Leavenworth. You need a stone child to do all your IP. Comedy Works, Thanksgiving weekend. Get those tickets, Denver.

Go get those tickets. Comedy Works. Let's sell out six shows. Six fucking bangers right there. Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, two shows each night. Buy those tickets, Denver. And make a trip to Cincy to see me at Go Bananas the first weekend of December. I'm filming a new special there.

Make a pilgrimage. Yeah, it's going to be great. Lunn, tell them where you're going to be. Pittsburgh for eight days. I'm in Pittsburgh next week. I don't know when this is going to come out. Things are not going well at all. But Sunday the 29th, I'll be at King Flying Spirits.

Wednesday, I'm in Morgantown, West Virginia at a show. I think it's 123 Pleasant, I assume. I am not sure, but it's on my Instagram. Also, Pittsburgh Friday, November 3rd. I'm going to do a Don't Tell. So sign up for Don't Tell if you're in Pittsburgh and you want to go to that. It should be at a cool venue. It's BYOB.

Bring your own bitch. Bring your own Bortle Grubman. I'm going to hang out with Joe Esch all week. He's going to show me the real Pittsburgh. Which is just a bathhouse behind a Hobby Lobby where he goes and blows guys. He's going to show me

Titsburg. He doesn't like it because he's a gay dude, but he said he'll bring me to Titsburg. Everybody dumps him. Every guy there is a fan of a lady having him. So, yeah, I'll be in Pittsburgh for a few days longer than I should or need to be. But things are a little hot at home, so I got to let the fuzz die down. Yeah. Well, Creech isn't making any money, so you gotta be on the road non-stop now. Your wife doesn't have a job,

so that's pretty cool. Yeah, she has an OnlyFans. We both are. She makes her own pickles, if you know what I mean, fellas. So they start as cucumbers, but then they come out a whole different thing. God. And then feed some dogs. So, yeah. We love you you thank you so much for listening

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