Chubby Behemoth - Burking

Episode Date: December 17, 2020

Ate All My Eyeliner. Spelunk BaDunkaDunk. Stephen Says It.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth.   Extra Episodes at Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

And here we are. Back at it. Lund was just character assassinating me before we started recording. It hurt. It hurt me. Hell yeah. Call me Lee Harvey Oswald. You say that I just sit around and pick my own butt.

That's your hypothesis about how I spend my time. Unless I'm running errands for my lady wife. Yeah, I think that's a pretty good assessment of your day-to-day. Interesting. What were you doing? That's really none of your business. I don't need to sit here and defend myself. Let's just say that some holiday cookies had to be finished by 4 p.m. Uh-huh. And they were not.

It took me until about 6.30. It was a major debacle. And Emily was pissed? Well, I don't know if Emily was pissed, but she did leave for work early, which she hates to do. Which is, yeah, which never happens. But she had to stop looking at your face or else she was going to break it. Well, there was icing everywhere and she didn't want it to mix with blood.

But yeah, now we're fine, man. Look at what I got in the mail today. Check this out. Oh, crap. Whoa. Crazy, crap. Whoa. Crazy, right? It's a signed copy of Mein Kampf he's holding up. That's right.

It says, To Lund from H. Big fan. We went to high school together, me and Adolph. No, what it actually is is Chubby Chasers is my new favorite shirt

I saw it I think on Facebook and I said immediately I gotta have it it is a depiction of Dr. Dre's seminal album The Chronic but instead of Dr. Dre the face on the shirt is of andre the

giant and it rules pretty hard now he was a french alcoholic correct yeah that's one way to describe him for sure he was a power drinker and he was a lover and a friend to many i'm gonna say that andre the giant's dick got hard twice in his entire life the second time it did his heart exploded and that's when he died the first time yes the first time he was driven out of france banished from the entire country he came over here started to wrestle and drink and drink and wrestle and then yeah then the the second time that he became turgid it caused an embolism and he sadly was dead at i believe 43 good god really i think yeah he was young oh my lord Andre, we hardly knew you. I'm worried about you. You're 33, right?

Yes. That's the age. And you're blowing up. You're going to die like New Year's Eve. Brother, I am pretty – okay, let's say my Marin comes out on December 28th. That means I am marked for death December 29th. I'll get 24 hours to revel in whatever book sales come in. that means I am marked for death December 29th I'll get 24 hours

to revel in whatever book sales come in and then I'll just be dead and I'll be remembered by a bunch of disgruntled purchases made on my website that were never fulfilled you'll get asked to do Colbert like January 12th

you're like hell yeah brother I'm there and then Emily's gonna find your bloated corpse next to her oh my god this is yeah if you know everything is fun to joke about but this is a legitimate fear that i have all the time like i'm alone right now emily's at work and i have to have my phone on me at all times just in case you know my left side goes completely numb and I collapse so I literally keep my phone in my right pocket at all times I also get very weird when Megan's gone I think you and I are used to for the most part we go

and live our lives and have adventures and when we come home we have our beautiful wives they're waiting for us and we get to you know catch up or whatever but yeah if uh if Megan's like out of town for a few days if she goes and does something I start thinking this place is haunted I worry that like yeah that I'm gonna like slip on something or choke on something. You worry that you are in fact a ghost. Yeah. I look into a mirror and nothing's in the reflection. I'm like, Oh shit. Yeah.

And then St. Gabriel or that Gabriel, the angel comes down and says, take my hand, child. Come with me. Young Andre, the giant.

Andre has been waiting for you. oh no i have to fuck andre london come i get hard all the time up here they created a mechanism that gets me rock hard it takes like a mousetrap yeah okay You're thinking a Rube Goldberg-esque. I did, yeah. I thought there was like a marble that rolls down a ramp. And then there's like a rubber chicken that comes up and fluffs him. No, man, my fear of death is profound and constant, and it sucks.

And I think that's why I tried to embrace Camus so hard, because knowing that we're going to die makes our lives absurd. And I was like, well, that's why i tried to embrace camu so hard because knowing that we're gonna die makes our lives absurd and i was like well that's cool and it was a lot easier to like not be constantly a ferret of death when you had nothing to lose you know when i was like impoverished and that was true yeah you got a trash cans we were yeah we were tasting death and living life oh yeah and it was beautiful you know we were up till 4 a.m. every night just screaming and eating old pieces of bread we found outside. But now I got a dog and I got a wife and, you know,

my parents are still alive, damn it. Yeah, damn it, indeed. You psycho. You look at it as a burden because you have to keep being a good boy. I love my parents, but if I die before them, that's going to fuck them up. Okay. It'll ruin them. Yeah, that wouldn't be nice of you, you bastard.

No. So when I go on the road, I always have the features sleep in the room with me. And they're like, oh, you're saving money. And it's like, no, I just want someone here that can hear my final remarks that's all i want whatever dying witticism i blast out to be remembered and put on facebook immediately i want someone to get the likes that i would have got from this story you want your death to be instagrammed yeah exactly i want someone to go you facebook live while i'm you know it's gonna be it's gonna be it's gonna be a fleet like hey check it out i'm opening for this fat

fuck i think he's like 34 and he's dead hell yeah a bunch of tiktoks looks like i'm headlining the rest of this weekend donnie townsend gets 600 instead of 400 it was worth it did you see uh today brant tobler posted uh an available shit gig in the middle of nowhere as he called it in delta colorado no oh hell yeah he was like hey if anybody wants this shit gig in the middle of nowhere it pays 175 plus a hotel and food, I think. And then if you want to bring a feature, it's $75. And I was like, there it is. Comedy's back, baby.

We did it, man. We survived. That's what people have been waiting for. The light at the end of the tunnel. $175 for a 12-hour drive. Hell yes. That's why we do this. Is there a prime rib buffet

during the show? Hell yeah, there is. Of course. It pays less than $200, but more than $150. That means prime rib is on the table. I can taste it now.

It's somehow under and overcooked at the same time. Every bite is a new beginning in your adventure. Yeah, and those mashed potatoes are wet they're the highlight of the meal is there green beans yeah is there vinegar on the green beans instead of salt or pepper yes it's delta baby fly the friendly skies it's delta it's like but

it's like north of Durango. So it's like you have to either go all the way to Grand Junction and go south or go like to Durango and go north. And so either way, you got to drive ahead of you. Yeah, the best way to get there is a hot air balloon. For sure. As the crow flies. That's right. If you can get above 12,000 feet, that's's the move that's what all these comedians are like

god man i wish i could do it brant i'm sorry brother yeah oh yeah he's getting a lot of dms with people saying man any other time next time next time please hit me up i'll i'll be the host and the feature and the headliner i'll you know i'll make 225 easy i'll eat both meals i'll get evan johnson to give me a ride yeah there's there's definitely going to be an unpaid guest spot somewhere in there yeah whoever has a car yeah man yeah that was pretty good i was just thinking about how this podcast was supposed to be all of our wacky adventures on the road and instead it's all just the time that your high school friend named stinky fucked a dog or whatever yeah it could have been all kinds of great stuff in the present but we're living in the past

yeah all those great stories about you went semi-pro playing cornhole it's just been revelation after revelation with cornhole with a k that's right it was part of the family values tour yeah he ran a sideshow game that was my first concert was the original family values tour 1998 what an experience yeah but you saved up all your allowance for that ticket too i was 16 i was ready to live it was a good time i think i already talked about it but rammstein was in there and the lead singer at one point there was a lot of fire with rammstein a lot of fire a lot of great pyro and then uh towards the end of their set the lead singer chased the keyboard player around with a big old dildo and then eventually caught the keyboard player

and pretended to fuck him with the dildo. And then all of a sudden the dildo started to come like a fire hose and he sprayed the whole crowd with his freaking freakishly large fake penis. It was pretty cool. And then he got lit on fire. So there was a lot going on from our friends from Germany. Yeah, when I think German industrial music, I think wacky antics. That makes total sense that they had.

It doesn't make any sense. It was crazy. Ice Cube was there too. So there was Ice Cube and then Rammstein. It was nuts. Cube from Are We There Yet and Rammstein. It was nuts. Cube from Are We There Yet? and Rammstein. That's right. Holy shit, man.

It's crazy that Cube blew up and he doesn't have to do those gigs anymore. It's even funnier to think about Rammstein starring in Are We There Yet? The German version of Are We There Yet? Just in a Volkswagen trying to get to the pickle factory. How far

did we get until we reached our destination? Daddy, I ate all my eyeliner and now I've turned sick. Shut up, little daughter. We only have four more plums until Dusseldorf. Oh no, Iggy ate all the plums.

Daddy, I made bloop in the baxin i also years later i got to watch uh dr dre and snoop had a big tour with eminem i can't think of what it was called up and smoke i believe they did a big old tour and i saw that in vegas and that was a good time they they opened their set snoop and dre you know when it was their time they they opened with a video where i think they stopped a robbery at a gas station and just blow away like four guys and then they come out in a low ride and everybody was like yeah you fucking wasted those dudes that wanted 80 bucks they were like vigilante vegas we know who killed tupac i assume uh yeah yeah i think i think they did well he was killed in vegas i thought it might have legs but uh nope it was a real dan Perez. The car is for sale right now. What?

The car he got killed in is for sale. Wow. Weird. Thanks for waking up for that tidbit, Becker. Becker rolled over out of bed. The car is for sale, brother. I put in a bid on eBay. I said four grand. That's not a good Becker, but I haven't tried to do a Becker. I'm Becker.

Sam likes to start by doing what we all do, which is saying our own name over and over. I'm Becker. That's the only way that I can really nail down an impression. That's why you never have, is that nobody talks like that. Yeah, I think I can do...

Who was I doing? Was it... Oh, yeah, I was doing... Who's that karate guy? Steven Seagal. But you guys thought it was bad, right? I don't know if I know how Steven Seagal talks. Hey, man, it's me, Steven seagal but you guys said it was bad right i don't know if i know how steven seagal man it's me steven seagal brother i gotta hey man yeah i'm just working at this small town post office trying to keep the streets clean brother but the yakuza came in now did you meet

steven seagal uh no what like you wouldn't know that story well i'm just curious why you're like yeah i've been working pretty hard on my seagal okay i think i tuned it in man he kind of does black voice but he talks like like he's a drifter too man yeah okay i could i can see that you could maybe get there hey man i know krav maga that naughty karate i'll blow your dick off i'm steven seagal nope don't try don't try me sa no all right hey man i'm gonna write you an essay on your tombstone vato you want to get loco me go we go so lund you just came from uh your work how did it go i did yeah i gave some tours to some kids it was pretty good for the most part i cracked a course that's what i'm talking about but i have a nice course oh boy i was going for sam elliott and it

was not on target yeah gave a tour uh had a bunch of kids running around screaming god i understand that people want to have children but do you need three between the ages of nine months and two and a half years like come on you can't wrangle them you bring them somewhere and they just do whatever the fuck that they want you have a little mask on them they don't think that that makes any sense you know so they're pulling it down and screaming they're itching their genitals their crotches because they have to go wee wee but they're on a 25 minute adventure with you so they're just dying inside it's uh god they're the future i'm excited to eat these kids in a few years when we run out of food yeah man hopefully you're uh you're sneaking them beef jerky and cups of whole cream now to fatten them up for the culling

that's gonna happen here right yeah yeah i'm giving up candy like all right let's let's make sure that we're big and strong you you and me shouldn't be giving anyone candy i give them candy how about this this probably piss you off yay or nay let's say you have a big old bag of halloween candy maybe it's filled with milky ways you know it's got some sn old bag of Halloween candy. Maybe it's filled with Milky Ways. You know, it's got some Snickers in there, some Starbursts. It's the fun time bag. There were Skittles, but you ate them all immediately.

When you open up that tiny, you know, thumb-sized Snicker, what do you do with the wrapper afterward? I throw it in the garbage. In the garbage. You don't put it back in the bag of candy? No. Well, that's where me and you differ. You see, I'm all about efficiency and streamlining.

Efficiency. Yeah, you have so much to do. You got to get back to picking your own butt. Hey, no one else is going to pick my butt, all right? I got to spelunk my badunka dunk. I got to fist my own fucking sock puppet. No, I can't pick my butt because then I have to wash my hands. I hate washing my hands, as we know.

That's true. Oh, yeah. You used to fake the funk. Every time you hit a bathroom, you're like, no one knows my little secret. Just in there slurping water out of the tap my buddy bonzo used to wake us up that way every day he'd have to go to work at 6 a.m slurping straight out of the faucet he loved it so they got his mind right oh boy but so emily's upset that i've been putting the wra rappers back in the bag of candy and also i kind of get off on

the fact that she hates it so i i do it more now it's like our own little petty cold war bad boys for life well there's so little rebellions in our relationship because we love each other so i gotta get my shit in i can't give her what she wants all the time I gotta get my shit in I can't give her what she wants all the time uh-huh god forbid you still have to strike out on your own well yeah because then it's not interesting anymore you know so yeah so you like to spice it up by doing little dumb stupid little kid things like leaving your shoes all over the house or pooping right next to the toilet and then she has to come home after saving lives and figure out where the tasmanian devil is saving lives all she's doing is writing morphine scripts she doesn't give a shit she better be pumping out fucking oxys

getting that sackler money before it's too late. By the time this comes out, she will have received the vaccine. Nice. Yeah, I don't know. She earned it. Yeah, I don't know. She's been a doctor for six months. She's earned it. Well, who do you think needs it?

People who are tour guides? I'm interacting with more people per day than she is. She's, what, seeing 16 people, checking in on them. How's it going, Mrs. Schwartz? All right, still in a coma? Okay, we'll see you tomorrow. Holding mirrors up to people's noses. Yeah, including you before she heads out.

Yeah. All right, Sam, I'm out of here. Let's see this. All right, perfect. Checks your vitals every time. Okay. Hand is in the ass. Okay, perfect.

I'll see you tomorrow don't move you'll roll over and crush gordy i wish i don't know dude i'm scared about the vaccine though yeah because you are traditionally traditionally anti-vax. No, I just like proven established vaccines that aren't being rolled out in a rushed way and being done in massive trials on America's healthcare workers. That's all.

Oh, God. I didn't even think about it. Of course you didn't, because all you do is think about yourself and your precious tours and all your cool tour jokes. I'm spending that money already i'm gonna get a fucking chopper dog yeah i'm getting a i'm getting a couple guns i'm getting a motorcycle oh cool i'm gonna i'm gonna be in trinidad a whole new man just gonna be down there lorenzo llama sing around meanwhile my wife's gonna have bell's palsy upstairs i'm gonna have to fucking go up there and chew up her eggs and spit them in her mouth because her jaw

doesn't work yeah all of a sudden you're gonna be the one with the uh bedside manner having a check on her making sure she doesn't swallow her own cheeks fuck bedside manner i'm on the bedside bad behavior all right i'm bedside rude bedside truth in it wake up get out of that coma comas are an illusion come on you're faking it just pinch their nose sitting on their chest like cats and old-timey wood carvings what is that what's it called burking you're burer. That's how, what's his name, died? Ted Binion, the billionaire in Vegas. What the hell are you talking about? Birking.

You're on thin ice. So I think his last name was Binion. Yeah, Binion, wasn't it? Well, it was like Benny Binion started Binion's Casino. Yeah. So yeah, there was this old man who was a part of that family. He was super rich. And he had, you know, he was like 90 or whatever, 80 something. And he had a couple of, you know, he had this whole staff and he had nurses or whatever.

He had a lot of people that worked for him. And one of the people that worked for him had, uh, was a woman who had a boyfriend and they decided they were going to kill this dude and try to take a bunch of his money from him sick and so he you know he dies and it seems like it might be natural causes but because uh he's so rich and because you know i guess there was always going to be an autopsy or whatever uh there starts to be this feeling or these little clues that something underhanded may have occurred. And so eventually, I don't know how they landed on this woman and her lover, but I think one

of the medical examiners eventually saw that there were these weird little circular marks on his chest, on Binion's chest. And at some point somebody realizes that it were, they were indentations of his pajama shirt in his chest. And so eventually it's concluded that he died by burking, which is where you sit on someone's chest and cover up their like you plug up their nose and their mouth. And that's how he died. That lady killed him. And so the

trial was a big deal in Vegas. And yeah, she and her young lover both got sentenced to a bunch of years in prison, I believe. And this is another episode of Nathan Lund's Short Story Long. What's that?

Birking. We call that a – Yeah, I gave you some time to pick – What? Go ahead. I gave you some time – yeah. I gave you some time to pick your ass. Are we on tape delay now?

You froze. I didn't freeze. You just talked for four minutes. You froze. I didn't freeze. You just talked for four minutes. You froze. No, dude. I was hot. I was too hot. You were petrified.

No, I got heat up, dude. We call that a Jamaican avalanche because all the nurses in Harlem do that to their wealthy captives. Okay. And this is from when you DJed in Harlem and Queens for a few years in the early 2000s? Yeah, Long Island City, Queens, all your lesser boroughs. Yeah, I was up there, man. What? You remember my name, DJ Banana Bread Head Wound?

He got no arms. That was a pretty good zuckerman dude i i think about dj banana bread head wound too much oh my god you smell banana bread because you've had several mini strokes yeah i wonder what it'll be stroke heart attack hopefully i uh hopefully i get sick for a long time you know i want to i want to be able to i want to have time to come to terms with it i don't want to strike while i'm waiting in line for a pretzel at a Harlem Globetrotters game. I feel like, haven't you said that I was crazy for not wanting to go like right away or in my sleep? I don't want it to be real long, but I do like the idea of the diagnosis

and then X amount of time to like hate it, freak out, be an asshole, get a tattoo, get it, get my nose pierced. And then finally, you know, like come to terms and have people come through former lovers, old friends,

enemies, mysterious benefactors. Everybody except for Terry Barton. Greg is allowed to come through. No, she's – that was a callback to when Deacon died. He was letting people come and see him. He – God, didn't he make you feel a little better like about like or at least he kind of showed you the way like man i gotta do this you know like he i don't know he seemed just good and okay with it i don't

know no dude i will deacon was uh a pillar of strength that was very brave uh the way he went out and also the way that he still managed to shit on was pretty funny i remember being in there uh it was like were you there with me when he came by oh when he came i don't think when he came by we went we were there together at least once he did the death came and was buzzing the buzzer and someone looked out the window and was like, and Deacon did the deathbed equivalent of pretend like you're asleep, you know? Like you're trying to prank your aunt and everyone's just coming over to the pool party.

Hey, everyone pretend like you're asleep. He did that with a man who was trying to, you know, wish him well before he passed on to the great other world. Maybe we should, maybe we should beep out the name yeah let's bleep it and so that we can keep shit talking him because is a lot of us are deluded you know we do the best we can to like have you know you have to

have a good amount of ego to do this. I feel like you also need some humility and it's hard to strike that balance, but so many people just go all the way towards ego and what we do is, you know, we're the truth tellers, you know, whatever the fuck. And, uh, carrying the torch of Bill Hicks. Yes. There's, um, there's a very uh like extraordinary magical thing that we get to do and it's like yeah kind of but also who gives a shit too like we're all just kind of aping somebody else that came before us and we're all saying pursuit that's ripping our families in half right we're gone all the time wonder you know people wonder if we got in a car accident 80 of our days so yeah so it's everything everything's everything everything's uh a lot

more complicated than we take the time to realize you know and i i think part of that is necessary you know you can't always like consider every aspect of everything but yeah but you should consider at least 10 of the aspects of anything and that's uh what our friend uh a lot of beep does not do uh that one yeah so there's a lot of comics that also when i said friend i didn't mean it a lot of comics have that survival instinct uh where like you you don't beat yourself up too much right like because if you do then you quit and you don't allow yourself to get better or whatever but at a certain point if you haven't gotten very good then it is your fucking fault not anybody else's and so yeah you can't always blame the crowd you can't blame the the cool kids for not booking you enough or giving

you the the right spot spot at the open mic. It's like, no, dude, you suck. You've been around for a long time. So I don't know. Fucking watch more stand-up and then do better when you write. Like be more unique or personal. Or do anything else but stand-up. That's also a good move.

Yeah, or move on. Yeah. Like he's the non-cartoon equivalent of Gil Gunderson from The Simpsons. He's like, oh, this is my shot. This open mic's going to turn it all around. I'm going to get her back. I've got some new punchlines. Just wait for me.

And then cut to two minutes later, his own underwear has been balled up and shoved in his mouth somehow. And then cut to two minutes later, his own underwear has been balled up and shoved in his mouth somehow. He forgot he was allergic to peanuts and ate a bunch of Reese's Pieces. There's a few comics that I've seen do this where they will have a decent joke hit or a decent set, you know, and like, finally it looks like they figured it out, but almost immediately it goes to their head. So they start to think that they rounded the corner or that like, oh, okay. Like I've got this. And then immediately there's, uh, you know, do they know do they they plummet back to earth because they are now like up their own ass sniffing their own farts and so they either like you know don't write

anymore or everything that they write is just like you know uninspired because they think that it's definitely good because like they think that now what they come up with is good you know and it's like god it's not like that you have to keep checking in you have to be like is this good you have to go to open mics and you have to you know eat shit with stuff and then be like okay yeah that's not ready it's this whole like constant process you can't just be like oh all right yeah i'm good now and so i can just you know i'm i'm likable and i'm charismatic on stage so whatever i say i'll be able to say it in the right way. And everybody's going to love my shit.

It's like, no, you have to keep fucking working at it. And I'm not saying I'm the hardest worker at all. I've used a lot of the same jokes for a long, long stretches of time. I never burned any material by recording anything. You've been physical with women. Shut the fuck. Yeah, real physical. I've been honking boobs left and right with consent they they like it were you about to say shut the fuck up yes because we're like finally getting into a decent comedy conversation

and you're like andy rapes women well i think the lady doth protest too much. I didn't say that. So here's the thing. Your lawyer advised you against using that word because it's one of the many words that's in the affidavit that's against you. Yeah, Bobby did text me that. Lem, what are you reading? Nothing. Yeah, right. What do you mean?

I see your eyes reading. I know when you're reading. I know when i know when you're absorbing knowledge the dumbest shit i've ever heard what do you think i'm doing you really think i'm trying to multitask no i'm trying to do a good job with our podcast you're doing a great job uh i've been hearing a lot of people say lund rocks and i want to agree i want to publicly say it lund is cool so uh please quit shitting on Lund in my DMs or sending me funny new drawings of what you think Lund's body looks like. You don't need that anymore. We're together.

Yeah. You know what was cracking me up last night was that Amber Heard template that we had. Sure. That was a lot of fun. The DMs were popping last night. Have you heard about this Amber Heard?

What now? The Johnny Depp thing? Yeah, so Amber Heard has been hired for 33... Amber Heard... Let me find the original. Amber Heard has been accepting money to give talks about domestic violence. Amber Heard hired for $33,000 per talk in domestic violence or in domestic abuse,

despite evidence suggesting she herself is a domestic abuser. So we were crossing out her name and replacing it with fun stuff like nathan lund hired for 33 000 per talk in toilet abuse despite evidence suggesting he himself is a toilet abuser that was fun and lund he smashed it because he put sam talent hired for 33 000 per talk domestic abuse, despite evidence suggesting he himself was a domestic abuser. Yeah, we sent that to Emily. That was pretty good. She loved it.

She did the worm. That's when you know somebody's stoked. She spontaneously learned how to breakd did you did you ever did you ever master the worm you're talking to becker i'm talking to you no i never mastered the worm that'd be sick that'd be crazy it looks like it's one of those things where it's relatively easy you just have to like figure it out but i'd never even really tried i've definitely tried to do the worm and failed and ruined the quinceanera i thought i was spicing up the night and in fact uh taco bell closed because it was it was an ugly

display yeah pretty much like doing a kip up but in reverse okay well if it requires abdominal strength then that's probably not going to be on my bucket loose yeah but if it requires any kind of core strength i haven't done it yeah right all right well maybe up in heaven we can do the worm as andre the giant beats off his huge cock. I heard the Eiffel Tower is actually based on Andre the Giant's dick. And also the Germans kept planting swastikas at the tip of it. I was trying to get in there and I was like, nope, he's already got it. I've already got it, brother. He's already there.

Is that you, Sam? What's up? It's it, brother. He's already there. Is that you, Sam? What's up? It's me, Steven. How you doing, Sam? Answer the man, Sam. I was talking to you. You were doing your impression. I thought we could do impressions back and forth.

I wasn't doing an impression of you. No, I thought you were doing that that cowboy sam guy oh sam elliott you were literally doing it you're yeah an hour ago i briefly mentioned sam elliott your name is sam so when you said as steven seagal sam it was confusing all right when i'm in character though i don't think of myself as Sam anymore. I think of myself as the character. So I'm sorry. I was confused. Kevin O'Brien was pretty good at Sam Elliott, and I am not doing his impression justice.

I bought Kevin O'Brien a cool Cornhusker starter jacket and shipped it to his house, and I haven't heard a thank you back yet. I probably hasn't gotten it yet. Eh. Eh. you back yet i probably hasn't gotten it yet oh you know what was fun you just reminded me i don't think i've said this on the pod but when we all first started to hang out more like so it must have been like 20 2009 maybe it was 2010 but it was a long time ago. And it was, we were hanging out outside of Skylark Lounge. It was you, me, Kevin O'Brien, Elliot Woolsey. And one of us said first that we were senior class president.

And all of a sudden, all of us chimed in with a, so was I. Do you remember that? I don't remember that. That was crazy. We were all, all four of us, I think, were senior class president. It's crazy to think that Kevin ever won a popular election. I think that whoever won was assassinated. And so it was a Lyndon Johnson kind of a thing.

Kevin poisoned the original winner with plutonium and he took over. So he could DJ every school dance. He is good at DJing. He spins good stuff. But in a dashiki. That's enough. Be becker don't pipe up

hey that's my friend hey that's my friend man i like him a lot i just the dashiki blows my mind you like him a lot but not enough to say that he's your friend i like that i would say that he just probably doesn't like me. Yeah, a lot of people feel that way about Kevin. Yeah. But he's a good guy. Kevin and Bukley and Bobby, a lot of times people would be like, why don't they like me?

And it's like, they just don't do the, oh, we're all best friends bullshit like Sam does. Oh, that's a bad thing? It's trying to make people feel embraced and part of something well they're sorry again everything is everything so while on the surface it's nice to appear supportive if you're talking shit behind their back and telling them they should kill themselves then it's you know not as good of a deed i didn't say anyone specifically should kill themselves during this episode i just said i'm talking about over the last 12 years. You have padded comics on the head,

and then as soon as they were out of earshot said, God, I can't wait for that dude's head to come flying off of his body. Whether it's by his own hand or some type of Rube Goldberg-esque machine, a guillotine with way too many steps involved. Maybe an automatic window tricks him, whatever it may be. I will tap dance at his funeral. I will definitely goose his mom as she weeps over his casket. No, I've never, ever hoped for anyone to succumb to their darker

yearnings. Mm-hmm. I heard that you got Michael Carter a Home Depot gift card and said, go nuts. Doing the worm. this should have been a page we're going crazy i think my dad is going crazy do you want to go to the christmas market no why because uh it's a pandemic i'm not trying to oh i

do what is it you're talking about raclette yes shit dog i will yeah i will be a super spreader for the chance at some raclette some melty cheese becker you want to go to the christmas market sure i should have antibodies right now oh Oh yeah, I forgot. You're carrying the plague. How much longer are you supposed to... I'm 17. That's seven days past when I was supposed to end my quarantine. Nice. Attaboy. So now it's just for you. Now it's just because you like it.

Well, and I just don't know how sure they are about that day. Yeah. No, Emily, you know, she said it's 10 days. So if you've been there 17 17 you're ready to pop out yeah let's go wild tomorrow man let's fucking i'm coming now let's go to the christmas market boys my favorite place on earth you know my symptoms aren't showing uh yeah we'll see i don't have to get there at four o'clock p.m at four why yeah because that's when it opens and otherwise you're gonna be waiting in line for like two hours i'll bet

people are showing up at 2 2 15 no they're not people at work it's thursday people don't have shit going on a lot of them so they're going down there too just like you you're gonna make an hour and a half pilgrimage for a hot cheese sandwich yeah and some mulled wine and some uh some some what is honey vice i'm gonna get all fucked up you have to pull me out of there after i pant santa i'm gonna climb over that steel i mean he's probably behind chicken wire this year and i'm gonna fucking break through it and we should get we should we should give santa the doomsday device like the yes road warriors yes dude i want to go off the top though all right i got my i got pretty strong quads i could probably lift up santa's fat ass onto my shoulders yeah you squat santa up and i'll climb up on top of the manger and drop that pain on his ass let's rain that big old arm right across

his fake ass beard and we'll hold him down and we can fucking eiffel tower his ass just spit rose santa in front of all the kids i guess this is growing up junior easter bunny's fake too god is dead santa loves it don't you santa telling me love it santa he's crying his makeup's running we put makeup on him paint his face like the ultimate warrior and then drop a shit on his chest yeah let's burke santa the ultimate warrior and then drop a shit on his chest. It looks Burke Santa. He's got the imprint of a belt buckle on his belly corners.

Like I haven't seen a Birkin since Binion. I watched a Fargo season two, by the way. Oh hell yeah. Did you love it? I just finished it before we started this. And yes, I loved it. It's like a six hour movie. It's the whole thing is just so good.

And it builds and everybody's like, just like this cool fucking intense character. Yeah. Yeah, I loved it. It's been really tough today because Emily left. She packed up her bags and took the car. And me and Gordy, you know, we've been here just trying to console each other without words, more with touch and with holes.

But it's been a constant struggle to, do I want to watch Fargo season two or do I want to read The Stand? The Stand fucking rules, dude. Oh, yeah. Look at this thing. That's so big. It's huge. It's bigger than it it's 1400 power packed pages yeah i will not uh soon forget when you first told me about stephen king's writing style which is to get fucking blackout and just start click clacking away also say it a bunch this guy says it

constantly for no reason he can't quit saying it it doesn't make sense for the character to think it doesn't make sense to describe the uh the shop clerk by saying it but he just says it constantly and it's like in the name of art or whatever but this is you know this is a fucking it's not faulkner that's all i'm saying it's stephen king you can't just say it left and right in there meanwhile you say it in your book so i say it once in my book and i show you straight why don't you back off of the master because i don't just say it to describe what uh you know you spray it you don't just say it you spray it all over park he saw a beep eating a hot dog i didn't do that all right that's stephen king oh he's so brave my god the way he describes things well he describes black people one way

and it's got two syllables you're not i didn't think you were talking about that saying it i thought you were talking about the r word no No, he says that a lot too. Okay. There's a whole character in here that's just described as the lovable. That's his whole thing. Yeah. He really painted a scene. Yeah, man.

You're really using every color of the rainbow. Oh, so yeah. And I think the way or one of the times that you showed me is where it's like it's not a bigoted or like shitty or mean character saying it. It's like the narrator describing. It's the omnipotent narrator just saying that there's a man sleeping on a bench who is clearly the R word. Yeah. When it comes to the N word, dude, he can R word. Yeah. When it comes to the N word, dude,

he can't stop. Yeah. It's all over. I say it once in my book because of the testable man says it. He says the N word rig, which is how people talk. You know, it's an ugly world and I'm just trying to fucking,

I'm a sociologist just walking through holding up a magnifying glass to the awfulness of humanity. Honorary sociologist just walking through holding up a magnifying glass to the awfulness of humanity honorary sociologist thank you metro state hasn't answered my requests for a doctorate um but yeah dude shit i don't i just don't get how come stephen king says it so much well it did he write a lot of these in the 80s when everybody was just being a total asshole and everybody was shitting on everybody that was perceived as you know struggling or the other marginalized etc i think this is 1990 is when this came out so yeah it's close enough yeah i remember the doctor he said it when he brought me into the world alright Stephen King

he really loves it it's like he's Dickens and he gets paid for every time he says it Dickens was about it? no Dickens got paid per word is the rumor but really Dickens self heublished all of his stuff, so that's not true. Oh, so a little bit of...

He did some things, didn't he? What, Becker? I thought he sold some stories in serialization. He might have, but I think that his novels he put out himself. I think initially he might have gone through traditional routes, but then when he made a giant name for himself, he just put out his own books and got rich. Nice.

Sam T style. So you're following in the footsteps of Chucky D. The original Chuck D, Charles Dickens. How about in that Westford article when it said that Sam's talent pivoted by putting out a book, Running the Light, and he's been doing very fine based on the merchandise or merchandising. Yeah. What does that mean? That article all was insane it was a weird article several uh quotes were misattributed uh a couple that a couple things i said uh were attributed to you and then bukely said some of

the stuff she said was attributed to janae so yeah and a lot of the stuff that i said was attributed to the owners of the voodoo comedy theater it was like all right to be fair i did say i love owning the voodoo comedy theater though that was a direct quote for me uh yeah i it that i was the one that said please don't call it no laughing matter and then you know he said that you said that and uh used the phrase at the end of it instead of calling you know instead of titling it that or whatever yeah i don't know nobody really gives a shit about comedy like uh john wenzel at the post he gets it right he wrote the book on comedy right before i moved here so i didn't get to be a part of that book he did mock

stars yeah let's let's let's try to move a couple copies it is a book it also had a chapter on uh prank callers in nashville which had nothing to do with alternative or indie or underground comedy. He has a whole chapter on these guys who made prank calls in Tennessee. What were they called? I don't remember. I think it was like Zippy and the Nudge. Or I think it was like Stinky and Earwax. It seemed like you remembered distinctly who they were i don't

remember that i think they were hodge and podge the radioactive mutants is what it was called okay well yeah that seems weird that they would be in there but i remember liking that book i did too i got a copy signed for my dad and he never read it how do you know because i asked my dad if he read it and he was like you mean that fucking commie piece of shit you mean that yellow journalism you passed my way you dirty lowdown plum sucking pig it's like dad this is this is uncalled for it's mom's birthday he's like whatever fucking black egg she cracked out of should have been buried back under the shit smeared seas i was like what's the matter with you and he's like i eat some mushrooms okay well i've been reading a lot of cormac mccarthy you son of a bitch i don't

know who says it more cormac and blood meridian or stephen king in the stand dude blood meridian is such a good book i would recommend anybody that wants to read it read it and then immediately read it again because i did that and i'm glad that i did because the first time there's so much dense descriptions of all the landscape that it gets really like you, it's tough to get through all of these, you know, and he has, you know, all these like old words that aren't used a whole lot. So you're just kind of stumbling, you know, and a lot of anachronism in that book, right? So phrases, right.

And so I really got a lot out of immediately reading it again, skipping over a lot of the descriptions of the surroundings. The caliche in the canyon beds. The caliche glistened under an obsidian sky. God left this world behind ages ago, but they won't know until tomorrow yeah there's a and and that all of that is great but if you can just kind of you know uh quickly get from scene to scene and then you know uh have the narrative uh flow a little uh quicker it it's the way to go yeah also just to be fully warned though if you're stupid don't read blood meridian because it's not for uh you know it's not for guys that stephen king would describe in a book this is a good view of you sam what do you mean the crotch cam is in full effect you sat in in some gum, baby. Crotch Cam 2008.

Uh-oh, it's time for Opie and Anthony's Crotch Cam. Brought to you by Fritos. Barbecue. Brought to you by Baked Lay's Flower Blast. On this episode of Crotch Cam, Opie and Anthony, we've got a contest going. Is she 17? Call in now and let us know tell us who's got them in your high school give us a call one of those guys i think anthony has

fucking covid so that's cool oh really i think so oh that sucks man oh no those guys are free speech warriors you probably listened to opiate Anthony growing up didn't you no I never did I know that they were big and people listen to them people listen to Bob and Tom I listened to Stern and I listened uh i don't know i guess there were local guys in vegas i'd put the radio on but i don't remember their names who they were i remember growing up uh there was these guys just like they were kind of like opie and anthony they were like amos and andy i used to listen to them and they had some they had some fucking wacky contests and stuff you know i was a jerky boys soldier. I bet you were.

You look more like a bud with a love sponge. I listened to him, uh, on serious when, when Howard brought him over to serious and, uh, yeah, I don't know.

I remember thinking he was okay, I guess, but then I grew up. I don't know that I would still like him now. It's been a while. I listened to a lot of Loveline. Me too. Loveline was the shit, dude.

Look, Adam Carolla, he might be a bootstrapping, doesn't believe that racism is institutionalized in America. Wants everybody to just shut up. Shut up and get back to work. Man, he's funny. Swing a hammer. Yeah, but Loveline was perfect because you had Dr. Drew trying to help people, I guess. He turned into something else.

But during Loveline, he seemed to just kind of be an educated guy. I don't know what his doctorate's in. I don't think he's a medical doctor, but he, you know, tried to give actual advice. And then, God, yeah, Adam would just come in swinging and just making fun of everybody left and right. And it was a good program, I would say. And also, what a weird pitch that was for Dr. Drew. It's like, well, I want to do a radio show. Okay, Dr. Drew drew what's it about

well i want a bunch of 15 year olds to call in and talk about fingering okay well go on i'm listening who do you want your sidekick to be uh this guy who did one class at the groundlings and now he's a race realist i don't know i guess he's a carpenter or something let's get him in here listening to that show would get you chubbed up when you were a kid, man. When you're 13, listen to love line. And there's like a 17 year old girl.

He's like, I was molested by a bunch of people. And Adam's like, well, when you say molested, was it penetration? Or did you just, uh,

you tickle their pickle? What was it? And then Dr. Drew's like, how many phalluses did you have in you at once? It's just like, I'm almost there. You were rock hard. Oh my god.

You know what? You don't know better. You didn't know better? Okay. I was just a boy. I was just a little guy. I didn't know any better. You're hard right now. The crotch cam doesn't lie. I forgot we were on crotch cam. I just put the microphone up to my asshole and farted,

and you didn't react at all. Really? Yeah. Well, that's what you sound like is a bunch of farts coming out of a man. Did you get that, Becker? Did you hear it? I did. All right.

Well, check that beautiful bean footage and uh can you isolate it becker i think try come on becker you have to cut a lot out of this one anyway so yeah i didn't hear the fart i just saw him move so i don't know all right i think he's lying i think he heard it and he loved it. I can't wait to see Justice and Vindication when Becker puts this episode out. It wasn't the loudest fart. I'm on freaking a leather-ish couch. It should have ruled, but alasas i wish i had a nice fart brewing i'm jealous because i'm really i've gotten really good at playing my farts

you've been you've been doing the accordion move the butt accordion man it's really taken on a life of its own. Emily's doing it now. We had like a dueling Bud Accordion recently that was pretty cool. Because we had a bunch of like peas and beans two nights ago. But yeah, dude, it's... God, I wish I had one. I wish I could show you guys what I've been working on. I'm like Dr. Dre, but in the lab trying to get these damn labels off. i'm like dr dre but in the lab trying to get these damn labels off oh man yeah i can't wait to rock my andre the giant shirt and have a bunch of people be like

what where tomorrow man where to uh the christmas market i don't know if i'm gonna meet up with everybody not everybody it's me and you maybe becker the thing is like my thinking is if i'm gonna do this tour guide thing and make that money i shouldn't also be around people i mean we'll be outside i have my mask on we could uh buy separate lemonades i'm not sharing lemonade with you you're a fucking you're a citrus hog you're bad at sharing beverages and snacks. Oh, yeah. I already told you this off air, but last night after a hard day's work showing people about the Christmas story

and Christmas vacations and whatnot, went through Jack in the Box drive-thru and got way too much food. They got those late-night boxes, so I got one of those and a jumbo Jack. You didn't tell me this. Well, so it comes with a drink, jack-in-the-box drive-thru and got a uh way too much food they got those late night boxes so i got one of those and a jumbo jack and didn't tell me this well so it comes with a drink and i got a dr pepper and that first yeah that first sip i hadn't had a dr pepper in probably a year and a half two years i took a drink and i was like oh hell yeah it was so stupid how much i liked it

i mean i guess that so much of chemicals that are supposed to elicit that response. But, man, that shit played me like a butt accordion. Jack was the puppet master instead of the fucking puppet. I love him, dude. I love a Dr. Pepper. I love a good... Hold on. I think I got one coming.

Hold on. All right. He's just been grunting this whole time. I hope he shits on his mic. Positioning the mic over here. Well, folks. Damn it. He has a fucking aneurysm right now

i'm coming andre i'm coming that's how he goes he's trying trying to put a fucking ass button on this episode and then we just hear a crash then gordy starts howling and whining what he starts doing the worm did you guys hear that fart though it sucked it was awful oh i thought you just like hit the mic no it was bad yeah it was nothing it's unfortunate yeah it is it sucks i'm sorry everybody i'm much more bummed out than you guys are mine wasn't good either we're both over here just mediocre i just keep doing this voice man i love the voice though man i just keep going low. I want my voice octave to match my depression.

Scratchy. That's me, Steven Seagal, man. It's me, the guy who keeps saying his name. Hold on. I heard it, but it was weak and wet. You're going to have to change those shorts for sure. Hold on. That sucked.

I came unplugged. Yeah, well, there's a plug in your butt. Did you guys hear it? Yeah, it was nothing. It was a whole bunch of just a little bit of air let out of a helium balloon. Well, the microphone smells. That's good news. You're going to get pink eye.

God, I'm going to get pink nose. You're going to have gin blossom. I think that's probably enough. Yeah, we're way over. Well, good, because you have to cut out a bunch so we don't get assassinated. Do you want to throw to the Patreon? What do you mean? Do you want to plug the Patreon?

Yeah. Yeah, a bunch of people made fun of me for plugging the Patreon in the last Patreon episode. Yeah, which is not completely. At first, I was like, yeah yeah that's dumb we should have but you can always consider you know uh switching up your level your tier of patronage so it's not completely insane i don't know who gives a fuck man we're just trying to we're just trying to pass the time until we turn to dust and hey guys if you really are loving the patreon or if you're loving the podcast get on the patreon you know it's uh patreon.com

slash chubby behemoth all the money this month goes to lund so if you really want to support lund right now he's getting all the cash thanks for for saying that when we're halfway through December. That's nice of you. They still got time. We got so many episodes on the Patreon. They rip. We really let it loose. I mean, this episode, we were playing with fucking fire. We should try to get a lit fart.

That's a classic move. Let's a that's a classic move let's save that for a patreon we can blast a freaking flaming ass tornado we were in the dome home uh it was me jansen cock luke sophie and mel and we were lighting each other's farts we were on mushrooms and good god my sister had never seen people light their farts and of course us being men we were uh you know we were veterans in it and she was so disgusted by what we were getting into and it ruled like i it's like someone would be like i got one and i'd like drop to my knees with the lighter ready you know then it would just like fart on my head pretty much Mel kept

trying to do it himself and he couldn't do it and then Sophie would be like oh good you just farted on your hand again way to go you can't do anything right I'll never marry you and then cut to about six months later now who's proposed

to the old hose beast known as Sophie Talent? That's right. That's right. We'll have to try and light some farts at her bachelorette party. I don't know why we're going to be there, but I guess we're going to be bumper coming out of the cake. Let's crash it. I want to be nude and dance for my sister. Oh.

Me and Lun just fucking dump them out. Happy birthday, Sophie. One last look at what you're giving up. Look what you're missing out on. Your brother's ween. Oh, man. That would be pretty fun for us. And then all of her friends

are just completely annoyed looking at their phones. Why does this keep happening? Every time I come over to Sophie's house, her brother shows his ween. Oh, good. I was hoping that Sam would show up and make it about him. Yeah, we... That's all this party was missing was Sam's narcissism. We do have a good time on Patreon.

So if you like what you've heard so far, consider joining up. It's only five bucks a month, and you get an extra episode a week. That's for five bucks. You can also, for ten bucks, you can have an AMA with us, Chubby B. Which we need to do.

We're going to do one of those real soon. What's the other tier? Is that 20 bucks? Yeah, 20 bucks. We send you mail. You get stuff in the mail. Last month, you got a bunch of Lund shirts that had been worn by me, sweated upon by me. Nice and worn, tried and true.

You got a handmade. It doesn't matter. We send some fucking sick shit. We sent a bunch of beard hair out from both of us. Bunch of head hair. Yeah, we we allowed we allowed the the dedicated chubby chaser army to have little pieces of us. Yeah, because we're not giving enough away on here for free. Eat me up.

Eat every fucking bit of me. You locusts. Have this subway sandwich. This is my body. Have this Dr. Pepper. Eat me up. Eat every fucking bit of me, you locusts. Have this Subway sandwich. This is my body. Have this Dr. Pepper. This is my blood. I have gout and diabetes for sure.

We had Taste of Philly yesterday, and I wanted to burn it down immediately. God. I'm never so mad as when I eat Taste of Philly. Every time. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 12 times this year. You're talking about up there? Yes.

Okay. I feel like the one down here is fine, isn't it? It's closed, isn't it? I don't know. I haven't been there in a while. Yeah, because they hung up that sign. All right, everyone. That's another great episode.

I got 86, but at Taste of Philly, they call it being 88-ed, like Lindros. Okay, I thought it was a Hail Hitler thing. Oh, yeah, well, no. It's supposedly the lindros thing but there could be another meaning yeah that it uh never mind uh don't don't get too don't get too gritty i was about to go full king on here i was about to make a stand so i want to start a book club too with the with the podcast if you guys want to do a book club with me hit me up we can get that going my uh book club that i'm in fell apart due to uh interpersonal relationships going afoul so hit me up we'll read a cool book

let's talk about that on the page smell it