Chubby Behemoth - Cabin Endings

Episode Date: December 12, 2020

Rage Turner. Crow Hand. Go-Gurter.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth.   Extra Episodes at Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

Becker, has he been popping his Ts and Ps? So don't pop. I don't think so. I have a radio background, so I try to... I'm classically trained. Yeah, the movie radio is based on you. So I try... That's your radio background.

I try to avoid popping my shits naturally, but this came with the whole kitten caboodle that I was able to buy. The only thing I'm trying to pop is some cold bush lights and some pussies on the beach, man. Camo cans? Yeah, I don't care. I want a can that I can whip at a cop's head and he doesn't see it coming until it's binging off his brain. That's my new thing, man.

I'm going to go on a one-man rampage and take down the police. Whoa, hell yeah. That's where I'm at. I don't care anymore, dude. I'm just going to get out there with a different armory of weapons every day and just start fucking picking off pigs, dude. Okay. I mean, it's time. Everyone wants to be in their chat groups online

just goofing around. Oh, the cops are bad. No, man, we got to take it to the streets. We got to hit them where it hurts the most, in front of their wives and children. Yeah, let's come out of the cave real strong. I'm not even in the cave, this i'm in the i'm in the cave of ideas dude i'm plato you're socrates all right but it's different because you learned

from me so you could have said aristotle no because i'm changing it all up dude that's the thing is history is just like it's it's handcuffs around our wrists and we're stuck to the radiator of illusion that is time. There's a... I just read about a guy that is now I guess police commissioner or something in Orange

County in Los Angeles County. So I think he's an attorney general. King Oinker? What's that, Jake? He's poised to fuck shit up. Yeah, dude. So yeah, I just saw it before we had a deadline to record,

but I saw just that he posted a whole bunch of crazy reform that he's promising when it comes to, God, a few aspects of the criminal justice system so i'm glad that you sam did not go and kill this guy before he was able to to at least say that he's gonna uh try and uh enact some of these reforms that people are screaming about hold on guys i'm getting in my car i didn't hear what you just said except for you want me to go to California and bring pain? Time to start phase one of Operation Black Condor.

See, they want it to always be black or white, dude, but really it's a rainbow. That's what it's all about. I'm the prism through which the light refracts, you know? Rainbow coalition, yeah, is back. Yeah, it's back. Yeah, a bunch of gay guys are going to go kill some cops. Hell yeah.

I read about Chris Dorner's Wikipedia a few days ago because I was like, what was the whole deal? And it was man, it was some wild stuff. Yeah, the wildest thing was that he loves lisa lampanelli was that a part of his manifesto yeah dude he shot his favorite comics and lisa

lampanelli was in there shout out to ll yeah shout it up kyle burtman uh yeah the pun masters and uh the roast masters as well, the roast blasters. I think he did call out Jeff Ross, actually, dude. He loved the roasts. Yeah. He loved when people spoke truth to power, whether it be with their mouths or with the butt of their guns. Man, he wasn't using the butt.

He was using the dick part of the gun. It comes bullets. He was coming hot lead baby uh you know it was just it was crazy because uh so the the first people that he killed was the daughter of the guy that represented him uh when he you know when he had to like testify to witnessing another, his like training officer kicked some guy in the head a couple of times. And he tried to, you know, get that out there, tried to stand up, you know, tried to speak truth to power and felt like his lawyer who had been either the chief or, you know, had been a high ranking member of, of the LAPD.

He was his lawyer. He, you know, that uh he felt like dorner got a raw deal or whatever but dorner did not believe him uh that you know that he was on his side because the first person he killed was that dude's daughter and her fiance well to be fair what was she wearing she well she was she's to get off work at target i didn't think about it i didn't think i didn't think about it but dorner's kind of a chubby behemoth. He walked up on a couple of lovers in a car and blew them away, but not because a dog told him to, because he saw how corrupt the whole system was.

And, yeah, what a wild – it was like four days, you know, that he killed a few cops and was on the run. The LAPD shot at, like, three other vehicles that kind of looked like a dark. Basically, if you were in a dark pickup truck, you were probably going to get grazed with some LAPD bull bulls. Man. I mean, I remember watching it online and he wound up in that cabin. Yeah. And it was like, damn, who wrote this?

This is perfect. I love when things wind up and have their pivotal scene in a cabin. You know, like Ruby Ridge and the end of The Great Outdoors. Devil's Rejects. Yeah, before John Candy, you know, took it to the ATF agent in that cabin. I might be getting it mixed up, but didn't that movie end with them shooting his wife the ATF agent in that cabin. I might be getting it mixed up, but didn't that movie end with them shooting his wife

and then he burnt it down? I never pirated that one. Oh, yeah. You gotta check it out, dude. It's great. But yeah, Dorner. It's funny that Dorner's winding up on shirts and stuff. I was early Dorner. I'm a Dorner hipster. I remember when it happened and I thought, holy shit.

Like, instead of there being these, you know, these acts of domestic terrorism being carried out against kids or, you know, relatively innocent government officials or, you know, the people at the World Trade Center weren't the problem. Most of those people were just punching a clock or whatever the hell they did answering phones they get killed when you say those people you gotta be careful when you're talking about the world trade center man it wasn't like there was one type of person that worked at the world trade center all right i agree i agree with that but i know how your mind works so you don't know shit you do i don't have a spit guard like a patsy wake up you're sheep i'm here to shear you wake up sheeple i'm gonna turn i'm gonna turn you into a sweater for sure come down here come down to denver you got a couple weeks come through i'll shave your entire back and ass and i'll be rocking all of the ugliest christmas sweater of all

you're gonna need some extra shears dude because I'm growing a thick coat. I wish I could show you guys my butt but I can't. Don't do it. I won't do it. I've seen it. Decker's sick. Decker's already on death's door. I don't want this to be the thing that pushes him over the mountain.

Anyway, yeah, that was a wild ride where this dude was, you know, like a real kind of vigilante for justice, got painted as a complete psycho. But now, you know, the more that we have heard about how awful, I mean, LAPD, we knew. We knew about it. You and me knew.

People knew because Rodney King, you know, sparked a lot of conversations. Rodney Dangerfield. Rodney Dangerfield you know, sparked a lot of conversations. Rodney Dangerfield. Rodney Dangerfield. He weighed in. Talking about how, you know, a lot of the most vulnerable populations don't get no respect. Yeah, exactly. He sounded the warning bell. It's the dinner bell.

My wife. My wife's about to come in from grazing. This thing's got a Rodney Dangerfield kind of sound to it this filter yeah definitely not you oh oh I tell you hookah hookah yeah anyway I thought maybe that was going to be the new hotness

was like a bunch of cops kind of not all going out and killing other cops. But, you know, just maybe more whistleblowers, I suppose. But no, just a bunch of people that fell into line. Maybe they got a raise and kept their mouth shut. And it was business as usual for another decade or whatever. Dorner was like 2013. Yeah, I know.

Seven great years ago. YouTube was like brand new. Yeah, that's what you think, but I'm pretty sure YouTube's been around since 1998. Like, how... Do you ever feel dumb that the fact that we're not like YouTube celebrities who travel the world eating dumplings?

There's a constant source of regret that I have where it's like, why didn't I early adopt to youtube and just like you know go to myanmar and stay in hostels and like eat out of vending machines and then three years later you're a millionaire and you're speaking at cal irvine's commencement ceremony uh yeah i don't know uh it's not too late it's not like you couldn't hop on YouTube and start, you know, figuring out an angle. No, that shit's played out, man. It's all about Vimeo now. I gotcha.

I'm going to make my Vimeo millions. I'm going to be the first guy to make any money off Vimeo. I'm a Vimeo star. Isn't it insane when people send you a link? Hey, check out this thing I made. And it's on Vimeo? It's like you gave up already? What are you doing?

Yeah, well, I know that there were people here in Denver that would make stuff and they'd have it on Vimeo because of some – there's like higher quality or – It doesn't compress as much and they allow you to put up more content. That's it. Yeah. So, yeah, there's – yeah, YouTube is a little restrictive and it's on their terms. Vimeo is for the people. How much compression do you need to show me your, you know, phone it in film festival movie?

It's just, why don't you figure it out to put it on a platform where people might see it? It's still just a link, link you know it's not like you have to it's like you have to swear an oath or uh you know sell some microwaves before you get to be a part of the vimeo community no i'm just saying like i don't want to be on vimeo i don't want people to know that i'm on vimeo it's just a bad look for anyone who's creative that's all i'm gonna put my special out on vimeo that's what i'm saying okay well yeah be be the one to make make vimeo counterculture you know yeah i'm gonna be up there i'm gonna put up my special on vimeo i'm gonna have ads for uh for quibi it's gonna be

i'm gonna make a bunch of money now now we're talking you're eating we gotta hatch some schemes to get really rich you have a few schemes what i thought we were gonna be uh potato farmers i thought we were gonna cash in on uh what copper we were gonna start yeah we were gonna start ripping copper out of instead of waiting and taking it out of dilapidated homes that are already blighted, have already been stripped, we go into the new gated communities and we get that cup. Let's just go into like Airbnbs and rip all the copper out of the wall.

That sounds like an easy hustle. That's an easy way to make $800. Yeah, maybe there's a couple of pop cans, beer cans laying around we can recycle. Now we're cooking with gas. It's pretty much free money, dude. That's what these homeless people know about. They already know how to make all the cool money easy.

They're just pretending to be impoverished. It's like, look, I know. I know you guys. I see you. I watched your shit on Vimeo. I know you're living okay. Someone sent me a Vimeo link two days ago and I was like, pass. I didn't even open it. It was like their life's work. I said, no, no. I'm not putting this in my

search history. I don't know why that's such a turn-off. You've been radicalized against the cops and then Vimeo. Yeah, because all these YouTube videos I used to watch, then they took them down. YouTube sucks too, man. I'm going to get big on YouTube.

I don't know if I'm going to eat stuff or if I'm going to throw stuff up. It could be a BM kind of a thing, like this is what I ate, and then this is the epilogue. Yeah, ACDC. What if I threw stuff up and you ate it? Threw stuff up into the air? No, no, like I throw up. Oh, you vomit.

That's awful. I make mouth mud, and then you start. No way. That would be so bad. But you're going to decide what I eat. Okay. So like a human butterfly as opposed to a human centipede. Yeah, like think about it.

You have gout, right? So you can't have certain things. But what if I ate them first, took all the nutrients out, and then plopped them on a plate? Pass. That's a Vimeo for me, dog. I'm going to pass on exclusive. Oh, you know what sucks?

We were talking about Sinbad. I forgot he had a stroke a month ago. And I guess he's doing better. But that sucks. Yeah, he keeps riffing with the nurses. It's tough, I heard. Man, you guys ever have a stroke? Man, it's like, what's that smell?

Did I put bread in my pockets? What's happening here? Is my hair on fire? Uh-oh, can't feel my left leg. Oh, baby. Then it's like, am I asleep or am I dead? I don't know. Why can't I forget my name?

Oh, wait. I forgot to say remember. He's got a bed, folks, and it's contagious. It's airborne. Yeah, man. Sinbad, he's the greatest. I want to protect Sinbad from any kind of pain or anguish. Yeah, hopefully he'll be all right.

He's a man of God, so hopefully God does her thing and sends down some healing stardust. When is it going to be? I don't know. It just seems insane to think that God picked one of the two genders we assign to people. Oh, yeah. And it's not a coincidence that he's a dude with long hair, you know, who doesn't, like, shave or shower. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. God spoke to me. He looked almost exactly like me, except a little shorter. It was weird. Yeah, he wasn't as buff. His skin was worse. yeah god spoke to me he looked almost exactly like me except a little shorter weird yeah he wasn't his buff his skin was worse he had a tinier dick and his voice was a little high but other than that it sounded like he had one ball i don't know he can only do like two three push-ups. I can do four. No big deal. Yeah.

He definitely wasn't seeing anyone. Definitely was not a woman. Definitely didn't really care about seeing or talking to any women. Mostly just me because I was, you know, bro to bro. Yeah, it's dumb, man. And those stories all got changed around depending on who was telling them. Like before the Bible got written down, it was always like, you know, a shepherd would be like, oh, you guys hear this one? A shepherd and a lowly hunter are out in the woods together.

Hunter stubs his toe and says, kill me now. I'd say, we could just wait here for a little bit. Hunter says, oh, no, then I'll get eaten. And the shepherd gets to sit back and say, I'm going to make a sweater out of your ass. And the hunter says, take, no, then I'll get eaten. And the shepherd gets to sit back and say, I'm going to make a sweater out of your ass. And the hunter says, take my wife, please. There's always, they just always change the story depending on who was telling it

so that they get to sound like the cool heroes. And then the other side is some dumb idiot that eats its own head. That reminds me of a certain dynamic that I'm a part of. Another one for the shepherds, boys. The hunters are here, baby. Sounds like us. Oh, yeah, that's right.

Whenever you tell a story, you're always like, yeah. And then I totally pants this guy and push him down the hill. And whenever I tell a story, I'm like, I definitely talked to him, and, you know, cooler heads prevailed, luckily. No one had to get any fisticuffs involved. And when Becker tells a story, we're both Polynesian. I have a pumpkin

on my head, and you are saying the alphabet wrong. Skipping a bunch of letters. My wife's asleep upstairs, so I'm supposed to be being quiet, but I'm breaking all the rules. skipping a bunch of letters. Skid-a-ba-ba-day-o. My wife's asleep upstairs, so I'm supposed to be being quiet, but I'm breaking all the rules.

You better start laughing and living and loving out loud. I'm not trying, dude. You know, I got my friends here. Oh, a bunch of Xanax. That one got Becker, huh? Bread and OJ. A bag of bread. Yeah, bread and OJ.

Wash it down. I was expecting anything else. No, it was a bag of bread, man. That's my friend. You know what I've been thinking about is how easy it is to sound like you know how to write. Because I've been reading some people's writing they send me, you know. Oh, nice. Because I'm like a confirmed master.

People are instantly trying to get you to help them because you just, you know, were able to have the very beginning of some success. Yeah, because I lucked out completely. Me too. Well, but it's also, I mean, there's luck, but there's also your ability to write a whole book and have it be good and have a few people that could help you so that you don't just kind of try to figure it out completely on your own. But, yeah, immediately people say, hey, what about me?

Hey, peep this. I got the new hotness. As if you're Master P with no limit and everybody's invited to the party. Dude, this was the opening sentence to a thing that someone sent me the other day. Some people have secrets and some secrets have people.

No way. Yes, dude. Yes, it's been planted in my brain, and it's a little shitty potato that's growing. And I can't yank it out of the dirt. It's insane. Sounds like a real rage turner. Every page,

you're just more likely to throw it out a window. Oh yeah, what do you think I want to kill cops? Allegedly. Because I read that. Oh, yeah. Speaking of allegedly, you allegedly had a good time yesterday. Yeah, man.

What may have been the worst potential circumstances for a show ever. Yeah, no, it should have uh an all-time pants shitter but instead it wasn't uh it was actually quite pleasurable talk about came down to someone else blowing it and me being able to bully them that was that was another key to my success i was supposed to do the show for a bunch of uh these law firm well it's it was half a law firm and then it was half like you know when you did your great mesothelioma bit uh-huh you want to do it uh mesothelioma nice okay so now we got you being racist that's good um so you know those

commercials you see though where it's like did you get mesothelioma from a go-kart track did a go-kart touch you batteries and now your feet swole up did you sit into a go-kart and have a seat belt go into your rectum yeah was your anus penetrated or devastated by some amusement park ride safety device. Did you join the military, and instead of putting earplugs in your ears, you used walnut shells? If so, we have breaking news for you. So yeah, there's that kind of thing where they just collect clients for other law firms

with these class action lawsuits, and they told me they were like, hey, so good news. The guy who runs this place is a seven foot tall freak who has a bowl cut. And I was like, slam dunk. All right.

That's easy money. How much time do I have to do? Because I think I just got half of it from that gift. That's right. You got a prince valiant mutant trying to keep people from taking zantec all right i can do this such a crazy right so yeah that was i forgot that that was a part of this roller coaster ride is that it sounded it started

off pretty good yeah it sounded easy i talked to him he was I'm going to wear an elf costume and I'll swear a lot so you can swear too. And I was like, Damon, this rules. Okay, so yesterday I get the email that that guy's now in the hospital with COVID. Near death. Yeah. Oopsie. Oopsie. Quid pro COVID. And so he's locked up um he's in thought jail and allegedly he has covid right so then they also tell me by the way there's going to be kids watching this thing and the guy who

booked me has been telling everyone that he booked dave chapelle and not me hey good news everyone i got dave chapelle for our zoom christmas party fun to have a quick prank right before the you get that kind of comedy prank comedy before before the stand-up virtual stand-up comedy yeah if there's if you're a new comic out there trying to figure out how to get the crowd excited it's by setting them up for massive disappointment before the actual entertainer shows up. That's a good way to do business. So yeah, they weren't going to reveal the fact

that I wasn't Dave Chappelle until they introduced me as not Dave Chappelle. And then also my co-host, what was going to introduce me was a racist crow named Roscoe, who was a puppet. And it turned out it wasn't even actually a puppet it was a hat that looked like a crow that the man was making talk like a puppet oh my god and i was given a script to follow so that our quote banter would work or would flow

and also so roscoe doesn't get quote too naughty those were that was that's the rundown you were the roscoe wrangler i was so you were the crow hand that was supposed to get between get between the crow and the kids so yeah i tell the boys in the group chat. So stupid. You know a show is going to be bad when you tell everyone about it, and the first thing they say is, can I please watch this? Yeah, I want it in there so bad.

You wanted to watch it. Dave Borey wanted to watch it. Gillis wanted to watch it. Drew Morgan was like, hey hey can i get my law school friends tickets to this thing so i have zero expectations for this i work all day on some great jokes um i you know learned what mass tort reform is which ended up not being beneficial at all and what about ass fart reform well see that's up not being beneficial at all. What about ass fart reform? Well, see, that's something I was already an expert in. And I'm trying to open it up so it's easier to get ass in their farts. Where there's a will, there's a way. Okay, thank you.

Keep getting signatures. And also, our friend Bobby, who is a lawyer. Allegedly a lawyer. Yes. He didn't give me any jokes. He was like, don't worry, Sam. I've got some good stuff for you. Let me take this test real quick. And then radio silence till 730 that night. What a dick.

I mean, come on, Bobby. This is one thing you can help me in. I've never asked you to help me write a joke before because, you know, you had no expertise in that. But now, put the spit guard down. No way. You're driving me insane with the spit guard. That's dumb. It looks like it's on a lollipop.

It's supposed to make me sound real good. You're just jealous of how much better I sound. Becker, who sounds better, me or Lunt? You guys sound about the same, but it does look like you're doing a Wilson bit. Yeah. I'm an old crooner. Ugh, you're an old cummer. So, I'm about to do the show. Keep talking, OCD boy. Yeah.

You can close your eyes so you can focus. There's too much visual stimuli. Well, I'm trying to look at you, and that's hard enough already. Sam's getting worked up. I thought you were doing a bit to distract me. Anyway. Oh, good, he's frozen.

No. Yeah, now I'm doing a bit. So I get in the room, and I'm like, hey, I'm about to introduce you, and I'm like, cool. And then the crow totally blows it for my intro. The man who is acting as a crow, and he's like cool and then the crow totally blows it for my intro the man who is acting as a crow and he's like hey uh well well he like drops his papers on the ground he's like hold on holding the crow out of frame and he blows my intro completely he doesn't stick to the script that

i've been given i try to riff with the crow and the crow's like well uh that's hold on and he like goes back and actually reads what's written so as soon as i get in the room i'm like jesus christ this crow what the hell is that who's who okayed that that guy needs to be fired everyone's like oh oh people are loving it because they hate the crow i guess the crow blew it and gave away the wrong gift to the wrong person earlier during the raffle. Oh, damn. Yeah, so I don't know. I got to blast the crow's ass, and that took up like five minutes,

and then I got into my jokes, and everyone loved it, and it ended up being a very easy gig. Yeah, I was a little disappointed because... Oh, me too. I'd much rather be here right now with a great story to tell than, hey, I'm the best. What else is new? Well, yeah yeah it's just another time where you should have experienced a little bit of struggle or yeah it should have

been adversity yeah yeah you yeah could have been reminded that you are but a man a human being therefore yeah fallible allegedly but no everything works out great it went better than it could have gone otherwise they the lawyers audibly say to one another i'm glad it wasn't dave chapelle at this point well that was the best part is i got in the room and everyone was like you know oh who's this but then i just started blasting the crow and by the time i got into my bits everyone forgot they were supposed to have dave chapelle you started blasting the crow. And by the time I got into my bits, everyone forgot they were supposed to have Dave Chappelle. You started blasting the crow soundtrack. That was a good one.

Some still terrible pilots. It was another victory for Sam T enterprises. And I also, I did the smart move. If you ever do like a law firm gig or a big corporate zoom, put your PayPal and your Venmo up in your background. These idiots will just plop you like, you know, 300 bucks just because they don't know any better

and they're wasted. Well, because they think it's a power move as if you somehow lose, you know what I mean? Like they get to feel a little bit above you because they gave you a bunch of money. Right. And then you're supposed to

feel like you know lesser than it's like you gave me a bunch of your money so yeah and also when someone would give me money i would shout it out i'd be like oh wow the muso just gave me 300 bucks huh looks like someone's doing better than somebody else and then someone would draw you know i anyway capitalism is a whole scene and uh you gotta learn how to exploit it but yeah dude they thought they were the carnies and you were the mark no they were they were the fucking tarp and i was the duck shitting on them dude bingo shout out your own book my own book y, y'all. Cool move. Thanks. Glenn, how's your short fiction coming? I haven't written anything, man.

I tried to start writing stuff like right before everything got really scary. Try to copy me, nice. Well, I thought, hey, maybe somebody will want to, you know, I was going to be the first person to send you something and be like, hey, can you help me? But I'm not a go-getter, man. I'm a go-girder. I just like to pull pud and watch wrestling.

But I started trying to write stuff, and I liked the idea of trying to do like Vonnegut, where there's like some through line of a fiction novel or a series of fiction short stories mixed in with autobiographical stuff. And I was like, oh, yeah, that'll be fun to do to just kind of scratch both parts of my back, my creative back. But like two days later was when everything got shut down. And I wondered what came next, you know, for me and Megan and for the world. And so it didn't feel as necessary to try and keep scratching my own back.

I went back to pulling my putt. When you say you didn't know what came next for you and Megan, the world goes into a pandemic, and you can't decide if you want to stay with your wife or not? What are you talking about? No, no, no, no, no. You're ready to leave her no i'm saying what was the what was gonna be the level of you know pandemonium or

uh chaos that could have gone down and i told you i think last episode i said something about how just at the very beginning of this year i got very concerned that something was going to happen that was going to cause a lot of not unrest, but uncertainty, you know, or just like weird supply runs and shortages. I thought maybe it was going to be like a climate thing, you know, like a drought or something or a series of environmental. Yes, that's right. thing, you know, like a drought or something or a series of environmental... Yes, that's right. I was Lemony's snickering it around. You're saying you called it. I was like Wilson peering over

a snicket fence, and I thought that we were going to need some extra water. No way. That was a touchdown. No way. I'm OJ. I'm OJ in Buffalo. That was a touchdown. No way. I'm OJ. I'm OJ and Buffalo. That was a touchdown. Excuse me.

Hey, there we go. I'm OJ. Pulp Friction is the name of my orange juice brand. And I do have a Venmo. But anyway, what was I doing? Killing it? Oh, yeah. uh what was i doing killing it uh oh yeah i just i really uh did think that something was gonna make us need some toilet paper and some water and that's why i got the huel was i wanted to be able to like have something some calories uh stashed in the house that we're gonna keep for a while

you know that's why you adopted mama in case you needed to eat her. Well, yeah. Yeah, that is true. I mean, that's like plan F. Plan B is to have to eat some of these shoes that I haven't thrown away. So hopefully that level of preparation does not pay off. Man, I would not eat your dogs. Just a fail safe. You joke about eating Gordy, fucking Gordy all the time. I'd eat Gordy for sure. I'd

fuck him and then I'd eat him. You only eat the ones you love? Yeah, a little double dip. Gordy, you hungry? Feed him a load. Yeah. God damn it. Even I couldn't persevere through that disgusting display. Gordy's 13

and this is how you're going to spend your last years with him. His golden years. He's grooming him. Grooming him for sex. We should open up that, dude. Dog sex. Pet groomers.

We just prep them for the owners to have sex with them. Like we put a pinky in their dog, you know. Yeah. like you put a pinky in their dog you know yeah yeah it's good see that's a touch it's it's a living yeah you just get to justify everything with that's capitalism if there's a market dog groomers we just tell them they're ugly and we also understand them though who else would love you yeah we neg the dogs dog negging grooming we'll do the nails we'll express their anal glands we'll let them express themselves make them feel safe yeah we'll listen to them for the first time in their lives. We hear you.

We understand dog. Come over here. Come over here and give us a kiss. Not on our mouths. No, no. No, down there. Kiss the ring. We just go down on dogs all day.

Eight hours a day of sucking off dogs. It's a living. Oh, shit. Lipstick on a pig, baby. So, Lund, what updates do you have? Any new gaming you've been doing? The war is intensifying in the boroughs. I don't know. I'm doing that I Love Christmas Movies gig tonight for the first time.

Oh, cool. You want to practice? Yeah. All right, everybody. Thank you so much for coming out here. We're going to have a wonderful time as we go through some of your favorite Christmas movie sets and relive some of that wonderful holiday magic that we've

come to love. I'm so glad to be here. Oh, yes. Thank you all so much for coming down. Hopefully you traveled a far distance to be here. Hey, it's my pleasure, man. Hey, I'm with my family. Where are you from, sir?

It sounds like I'm going to guess Ohio or Pennsylvania. That sounds like an iron and a rust belt kind of a thing. I am. I'm from College Station, Pennsylvania, brother. There it is. And were you friends or did you have knowledge of Jerry Sandusky's actions at Penn State? So his Die Hard at Christmas move? Anyway, why do I always get asked that question? Do I have that kind of face?

Well, I'm just trying to connect with you regionally. And so I thought maybe you've also, I'm sure you followed in the news, regardless of whether you had a personal relationship. Look, Sandusky was falsely accused, all right? He was misunderstood. He just wanted those kids to win, and he was willing to do anything to get them in a mind state to have them ready to win. Now, that sounds like a supportive and justifiable take.

Speaking of takes, we're ready for another take on the set of Elf from 2003, an instant Christmas classic. Yay! Yay! Do you remember what the four major food groups are, according to Buddy the Elf? Do you remember what... Do you remember how many victims of Jerry Sandusky came forward, sir? What was the name of the coach? Which one?

The head coach. Oh, Joe Paterno. Do you remember how Paterno also kept a secret and didn't say anything? Why didn't anyone ask me where I'm from? I assumed maybe you were born in Pennsylvania along with your father. No, no, I'm a different person. No relation to the Sandusky apologist. Okay. I'm not apologizing.

I'm just saying he didn't do anything wrong. There's nothing to apologize for. I'll bet you also think that a lot of numbers related to the Holocaust has been exaggerated. And that's fine, sir. But you. Isn't three million enough? Isn't that still a lot? You don't have to be greedy with the numbers.

That's all I'm saying. You don't have to be greedy with the numbers That's all I'm saying Let's move on to this High voiced young person This little angel Hi everybody Virginia or maybe South Carolina Where are you from originally?

I'm from Little St. James Island Oh okay And I believe that's in the Caribbean Is that right? That's right. It's a vibe out there, man. My mommy and daddy are missing. I'll have to call you Little St. Jimmy

because I feel like I should not reveal your actual identity. Hey, I'm a girl. I'm not a boy. Jimmy could be a girl's name. Let's do that. Let's pretend like before your parents went missing, they were both very creative and progressive thinkers. Hey, you need a place to crash, little Jimmy?

Gee, mister, sure. That sounds great. All right. I'll take care of you. Always room for one more. Is it not pretty great that what's her name's name is Gislaine? I mean, come on, does she live on Com Avenue? Get out of here.

Yeah, come on, could you be more on the nose with that one? Jeez, who wrote this, huh? Yeah, what an awful nightmare that is. We have so much going on, we can't focus on possible you know justice for this woman who was the right hand man of evil personified they're trying to get her out they're trying to get her out because like her hair is falling out and she's losing weight from being in jail she thinks she's too good to be in jail i heard i read that she has been on a form of suicide watch where she is awakened and you know if she's sleeping but she's checked on every

15 minutes the flashlight is awakened i don't understand that like you have to wake her up and be like hey you killing yourself you know like if you look at her and she's sleeping isn't that enough but no they wake her up they wake her ass up make her spread them hey what's in there hey you a little kid in your womb let me see super spread it let's see it yeah yeah i don't know i have no sympathy for her, but I do like the idea that she is being woken up all the time to make sure she's alive. I mean, dude, we... I don't want to get serious here,

but we were so close to some kind of massive truth with Epstein. Not even. We probably would have got 10% of the story, and he would have protected the other 90% of the fucking iceberg. But if we're able to somehow get any kind of uh any kind of truth or validity out of her i'll be so excited dude yeah well yeah it's easy to be uh very guarded even before epstein died you know and it was a joke immediately it was a joke before he died you know everybody's like oh can't wait for so-and-so to quote-unquote kill themselves.

And it was like, why are we doing this in such a weird, like, Chandler from Friends sarcastic way? But I think part of it is because a lot of us saw the same thing happen with all the priest molestation. It was like, oh, God, you know, the veil has been lifted. But no, a bunch of people were like, I like the veil. The veil is great. The veil makes my face warm. Yeah, it makes people not be able to see my cheeks and nose. And so they just like, yeah, the veil feels good, daddy.

Slap a veil on me. I'm done. Put a veil on me, brother, and take me to the fair. All right. Take me to church. I'm wearing a veil when it comes to the truth. Gonna listen to Hame and fucking puff on some doof. You know, puff and doof like we do.

Of course, man. I'm a doof puffer from way back. Take me to church. I'm going to start some fires. Look, I'll take down the cops. You take down the church. It's that simple. From two of the epicenters of culture, Fort Collins and Trinidad, Colorado. Yeah, man. We're taking on...

We're taking on... Institutions. Let's start at the penthouse and turn that shit into Hustler. You know what I mean? It's too easy to start in Denver, man. Everyone expects it out in Denver. But, man, we're flanking it.

You know, we're coming from the too easy to start in Denver, man. Everyone expects it out in Denver. But man, we're flanking it, you know? We're coming from the edges. That's just good Napoleonic war tactics is all. By the way, do you want to talk about your Loser Leaves Town match that was organized? Man.

If you would have signed off on that, ooh boy, I couldn't wait to make fun of you still be getting douche chills yeah for sure yeah so you know uh like a blind item no no let's just talk about it uh the funny thing with the denver comedy championship from the beginning has been that there have been these you know random people that i know that will try to start some kind of narrative or fun angle or thing that involves the title without talking to me first, like checking in, asking me anything.

There have been these random attempts to... And it's probably because they feel like I'm not doing enough with it. And it's like, this was never supposed to be some thing that most people gave a shit about. It was like an inside thing with a few of us, you know, who were in Denver at the time that a bunch of people moved. Right. And for those of you who don't know the minutia of Denver comedy,

the Denver comedy championship is a belt that Lund gave himself. Exactly. To have some fun, you know, just to goof around. And a bunch of, you know, mush brains and mouth breathers have really championed it and turned it into this thing that has esteem. And that's never what the plan was, you know. No, it was supposed to be a distraction for me and anyone else that was going to be in Denver after some of our closest friends were gone.

You know, a bunch of people moved. And Troy Walker. Yeah, Troy and a slew of other comedians moved mostly to L.A. or New York. I remember the one that really broke my heart was Scott Sharp. Yeah, we lost Tim Young. Yeah, man, when Scott moved, it was all over for me. I entered a real dark period. Scott Sharp.

I'm Scott Sharp. Living it up. I gotta get to New York and cash this check. Steve Hofstadter's gonna give me a job. A blowjob. Everyone loves him. All right. Scott Sharp. I'm an intern.

No, Scott, yeah, Scott rode that wave. He won New Faces, and there was a wave that was created, and he was like, I'm taking this to the coast. Yeah, it was surf's up for Scott Sharp. Yeah, he hung it loose and rode it hard and then hung it up wet. Scott Shaka Sharp. So, yeah, he made up this dumb thing that was fun because of how dumb it was yeah outside promoters have tried to kind of steer the history of this uh

unsacred title yeah and uh yeah so you know i'm moving to trinidad and i have thought uh i wish that there weren't a fucking pandemic going on so that I could wrestle people for the title and put somebody over on my way out, you know, and do something fun. But I can't. I can't do anything fun. So, you know, it was funny that our buddy Wally was like, yeah what's in store for the denver comedy champion because it's like uh i'm just gonna move in a couple weeks and maybe try to see everybody at the park or something before i go yeah it's not gonna be like a big to do it'll be a whimpering fart blown into the wind you leaving town i've been here since, and I'm going out with not a bang, but a whisper, a whisper in the wind that says,

who cares? Beat it, shit boy. I always wanted to be a Westward Colorado creative, but I'm going to have to do something pretty spectacular to get noticed down in T-Town. No, I don't think you will. That's the thing. The competition is so low down there.

Isn't Jay Gillespie flourishing? It's an emerging market for young... Jay's also fucking hilarious. Jay's down there. He rules. I'm excited to be down there with him. I'm not excited to see who else comes down in the next year or so.

It's like, yeah, maybe just stay in Denver, do a brewery show or whatever. Maybe, you know, we need what this town needs. What this town needs is more like Maury David. I need Moss. Live Moss, baby. No, we need more roast battle shows people love them yeah it's a hot commodity it made my career explode we we battled roast battled each other and we're both famous yeah our roast battles also were like uh they were fairly brutal i remember telling a lot of

truths up there there was a lot of like you there. There was a lot of people being like, oh, for real? You're going to say that in front of people? Remember when we did Who's the Worst Roommate? Yeah, that was fun. Yeah. But it also, you know, I definitely slept on the ground that night.

You got the bed. Yeah, I took your pillow and gave you a little rock with a knife sticking out of it for you to lay your head upon. I wish you would drop the strap to someone. It doesn't make any sense for you to be the Denver comedy champion in a different territory. That's all I'm saying. Oh, okay, so you're a Wally apologist.

Look, I apologize for all types of atrocities. Time to put the screen back up. This is an emotional barrier between me and you that I have put up in order to protect myself. That's all right. My friend will protect me, this oat nut or a wheat bread. This is what I'll say is that Wally is great. It's been way more annoying when people that I am not close friends with have done these things. Cause that's like,

there was a time when I was a part of a Denver comic-con like panel or Q and A or whatever. And it was about like wrestling and comedy or something. So I was talking about Lucha Libre and laughs. You were supposed to be there, but you had to go do a zoom show or something in 2015 you were ahead of the curve and uh so yeah you were supposed to be there i think and you were you were in iowa or something and uh i was probably somewhere getting paid you were getting paid i thought i was gonna get laid by you know somebody in a cool somebody in a cool Sauron costume. Yeah, right. You were going to get laid by an R2-D2 shaped man.

I was hoping to get a beager from one of the Ewoks that was wandering around. But instead... But no. I brought the Denver Comedy Championship and thought that it would be fun to just be introduced as it or whatever again it was supposed to be sound like a real thing but obviously a very ridiculous thing and then you know that's about it but there were a couple other people involved with the panel that sprung this plan on me for me to like either lose the title at this

q a or for it to be taken people uh i don't want to name lanes but there were a couple people that you know it was just like don't don't feel like this is uh you know a group project where you get to take the lead you know yeah you guys you guys fucking got together and had a brainstorming session in between cups of coffee. Also, I remember who the people were. I wanted you to name them. Yeah. Yeah, I know. Yeah. Well, there's, it was again, not, it's not like it's an act of treason or. It was also like at 1130 for a panel with 12 people in attendance. Right. It wasn't a big one. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

You're going to drop the strap. You gotta, you gotta do some good business first, you know? Well, and also it's like, if you want to do something with the title, let's talk about it. Let's come up with something fun. You know, that's what I did when anybody, when anybody was getting ready to move, we would talk and figure out like, oh, do you want to wrestle? Do you want to cut a promo?

You know, do you want to, you know, and I worked that out with like Sharpie and you and Jordan Dahl and Mara and Kevin. And those were all great because we went back and forth and figured out something fun and easy, you know, so that we weren't, you know, taking ourselves too seriously. And then just to not want to discuss it with me first just is very perplexing to me. It's puzzling.

Real slap in the face, man. I mean, I love puzzles, but I don't like being puzzled, you know? It's suplexing is what it is because of wrestling. No, man. I thought that you should have. I mean, I didn't think this, but I assumed that when you got the belt, it was so that you could do intergender wrestling matches

and get your weird rocks off. That's what I always assumed it was going to be. And then it turned out that that wasn't what it was for. I think you only wrestled like Mara and Georgia Comstock or whatever. And I mean, I was just proud of you because I thought it was a total sex thing. Well, I mean, there were a lot of aspects. No, it was very innocent, you psycho. Hey, man, I'm always on the cutting edge.

Part of it, I think part of it for me was definitely the hope that I could kick your ass and have you go along with it and that happened so it did it did i sold for you that paid off yeah we got to have an actual match in a ring that was the like one of the one of the high points was being able to get into the ring nick and i thought i could do it more after that and gossard never let it happen again but that one night was very uh fun yeah because it buried the real workers we got such a big damn pop that uh you know sammy six guns and royce isaacs couldn't follow what we did we burnt the damn barn down yeah those two that are chiseled out of marble and can move and and you know and get a crowd on their side we're jealous of us oh for sure, dude.

I mean, remember when that snapmare hit and the room turned to fire? The snapmare hurled. It hurled around the world, for sure. That was crazy. It cured the world. Yeah. Briefly. Of all of its evils.

And then I had to leave town. Just for a moment. Yeah, that was so great to be able to have that with you. And so, yeah. Our moveset sucked. I got to say that. We really didn't have a lot of, I don't think we did one slam. No, we didn't. And I think that was smart.

And that was part of it too, is like, we can't hurt each other doing this. Because then you're taking it too seriously. You're setting this weird expectation that you're going to like really shock people. It's like, no, we're not going to do that at all. And I thought we did a good job with what we did.

You know, we didn't, we didn't turn it into a 30 minute ordeal. We couldn't because we were gassed immediately. We got blown up. They called us a couple of balloons that night. We were getting blowed up. Also,

apparently on the podcast with uh the death metal dicks i said that chris was more of a muscle guy and i was more of a cardio guy and to the 25 people who have messaged me regarding that sentence this is a satire podcast all right i'm not really going to kill a bunch of cops uh i'm definitely not a cardio guy you know uh you know not everything's a joke i do think sandusky was wrongly accused but other than that you know we're joking around he was fondly accused he he was accused of fondling for sure but uh yeah i know i'm not quote a cardio guy so please get out of my DMs with your mean messages. Did people ask for your mile time or what?

They were like, I don't know, it was a lot of you're lying. A bunch of whistleblowers. Yeah. I'm turning state's witness. Like, actually, you're a pig. How dare you? I think it was mostly Death Metal Dicks fans Who migrated over here Oh for sure

Dick refugees who washed up on our shores But yeah look I know So please quit being mean to me online Privately At least do it publicly so I can look like a martyr Let's get some Interaction on our Reddit Call them out

Get on the Chubb Reddit you turds Let's see you on a Stairmaster for 45 minutes straight, you know? Show off. Yeah, also, get on the Chubb Reddit and post hog, alright? Let's see some of your dongs. Get on there. Put the Not Safe for Work tag in it and just

let that little freak flag fly. Look, if we get 100 hogs post on the Chubb Reddit, Lund will post hog as well. Oh, yeah? That's nice of you to put out there. Well, if we get a hundred hogs posts on the Chubb Reddit, Lund will post hog as well. Oh, yeah? That's nice of you to put out there. Well, you're used to people micromanaging your adornments, you know, with the

Denver Comedy Championship. Now I'm going to try and promote your dick. Get my dick involved in an angle that I didn't ask for? Yeah, get that dangle in an angle. I didn't ask for. Yeah. Get that dangle in an angle. I think, uh,

I think what I'm going to do is just, you know, retire as the Denver comedy champion. The rest of you can, you know, do your, figure it out, do something else,

be the next Denver silent film star and waddle around with a cane, do some prop work, do some pratfalls. I could care less. I'm moving on. You know, if you're going to drop it, you should drop it to Noah Reynolds. That kid needs a win. Or give it to, like, Creasy or something.

Creasy. Someone who'll blow it completely. Well, yeah, and so that's something, too, where it's like, yeah, I'm supposed to anoint i'm supposed to pick one uh person who will almost certainly be you know no matter who i picked it would be the wrong person you know to a bunch of people it would be sexist or racist or something and it's like man that is the opposite of what this ever was supposed to be. So let's all move on and you can go back to, you know, just booking your friends and everybody, everybody killed and everybody,

you know, everybody's the Denver comedy champion. Did you do the interview with that guy, Kyle from Westward about the state of Denver comedy? I did. COVID. I did. Did you shoot? Cause I fucking shot, dude.

No, I, I did. I was Perry? Cause I fucking shot, dude. No, I, I did. I was Perry Saturn in the hotel room. Secrets, man. I thought, I thought about it,

you know, but really, uh, I was wary cause I didn't want to say like one or two things that were, you know, all of a sudden the focal point, because they were a little, you know, all of a sudden the focal point because they were a little, you know, jaded or whatever. And I also didn't want to just talk in platitudes about how

Denver comedy is the best. So I just tried to say, I really tried to say that, you know, I feel so lucky that I got to be here when I have been here. But also Denver is so different now, and it's very much like gonna be okay, because it a, you know, a big, you know, popular destination now. And so it's beyond me to like, you know, there's no fucking, I'm not leaving Denver high and dry. Denver's fucking a metropolis now. I said that this scene was softer than your, your pod after it was just pulled.

That was the direct quote well i was saying stuff i was like hey can you say this comes from an anonymous source uh you know coward you say according to uh according to certain sources you know you want to be a blind item i did dude yeah i was i was deep throat yeah because i mean first of all 12 people will read that article who aren't comedians so who cares and second of all i was like you you know i just want to do a i wanted to burn it down so something beautiful could grow uh i did not want to make it seem like I was leaving in a weird, like bitter way. Cause that's not true.

I mean, it's annoying to know, like when Megan and I realized we wanted to try and move somewhere else and looked at some of the prices for apartments, it was like, Oh yeah, we're fucked. Like, I don't want to try and,

you know, double my rent and live a mile away from where i am now and not be able to do comedy which is how i was making money so uh you know it was kind of a uh see you later not you know dramatic but i could see it being uh turned something weird. Like I don't, I talked to Kyle for a while, so I have no idea what three things or one thing will be in the article as my, you know,

my, my quote. And it could, I just didn't want to sound like, like there was something more to it than, Hey, you know, everything's up in the air.

Trinidad's a cool place. I'm going to go live down there for a while. I don't know. Well, I wonder who he interviewed, too. He probably interviewed you and me, Troy Walker, Jordan Dahl, Alison Rose, Janae Burris. I'm sure he interviewed a bunch of people who no longer live in Denver because that's what they always do. They're hey this is your best denver comedian this year

it's rachel weeks everyone right yeah they're five years here for two and a half years they're five years behind yeah who to talk to uh yeah i yeah i don't know who all they talk to haltem haltem you were there during the heyday of Greg Baumhauer's time at Lost Lake Lounge. You were the original Bulldog Bar. Bulldog bartender.

Hey, Jake Brown, what do you think? You're a comedian. Hey, Becker. Think of Becker. Becker, you reigned supreme at the top of the Denver Comedy Mountain for years on end. You should drop the strap to someone who will totally make it way more important than it needs to be. And it can be disgusting and stupid. That's what you should do, dude.

I think I'm going to drop it to Vinnie Montez and give it to Law & Order. I know who you should drop it to, but I'm not going to say on the pod. Drop it. I'll text the group chat who you should drop it to. Okay. Fig G. Fig G would pawn it immediately. He would, like, melt it down. Yeah, that would be terrible.

Give it to that person. Oh, hell yeah. This is bad. Yeah, it's good to have inside jokes. It's a blind item, and it's a deaf item. You don't know shit. It's a deaf item. You also can't smell or taste.

It's a smell and taste. it's a deaf person who can't smell or taste so it's a smell and uh yeah there's i mean there's a quite a few people that like i said would be definitely be the wrong choice for all kinds of reasons but it is wrong boy it shouldn't even come to that it shouldn't even be oh there's a duty for the denver comedy champion to pay it forward it even be oh there's a duty for the denver comedy champion to pay it forward it's nothing you need to have a survivor series type event it's nothing oh that's well i'm saying if you have a bracket if i could have had one more chance to do something fun with this uh you know

just random thing then yeah i would have and it would have been fun because I would have talked to people ahead of time. We would have figured out the where and the when and there could have been just a return to that time. Yeah, you could have done your favorite thing, which is play God with young comedians. Yeah.

You could have been the puppet master once more. Yeah, I could have groomed the master once more i could have yeah i could have groomed the next champion but instead yeah because of all of the shit going on it's like all right yeah i'm not gonna do any of that and it's fine it's okay that i'm not going to but uh uh yeah i don't know so but you know wally is uh the the of Trinidad. So I may have to bend to his will, kiss the ring and dance for the puppet master. He wanted to have a virtual wrestling match, which is the dumbest idea anyone's ever had publicly, at least. I'm sure we've all had dumber ideas that we weren't, you know,

we didn't bring to the public consciousness. I, well uh i feel like now that you've thrown down the gauntlet how do you do it it would be a turn-based it'd be like an rpg it'd be a tabletop wrestling match that's right you would no man here's what you do you hide it somewhere in the city and whoever finds it gets to be king. You do like a geocache thing where you leave it with a signal and people can drive around and try and find it. You know who should be the champ is that giant wooden gnome that's in Breckenridge. I'll just put it over his shoulder.

You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, you bring up that gnome all the time what happened with you and that gnome that gnome is i wish i would have gone and seen it and i haven't gone i didn't go there i didn't go to uh hanging lake either well yep your days are over too you're on the way out well yeah i'm going i'm i gotta explore soco baby southern calo yeah man you can go to fucking julesburg damn near new mexico You're on the way out. Well, yeah, I'm going. I got to explore SoCo, baby. Southern Calo. Yeah, man, you can go to fucking Julesburg. Damn near New Mexico, Colorado, baby. Purga Twa. Yeah, all those pretty places.

You can go to Raton and look at turquoise jewelry. Raton rules. Raton's a Trinidad sister city. They're fraternal twins. You know what rules? Cheyenne, Wyoming. That's right here, man. I hang out there all the time. That's your sister city is Cheyenne.

You don't have to wear a mask up there, dude. Go up there and kiss everyone on the lips. Play hide the fingers in different holes. It's a fun time. Yeah, that's a wild west, man. Yeah, man. Go up up there give a wet willy be like hey deeper deeper I love the feeling

of a wet willy honestly they're picking each other's noses up in Cheyenne yeah aka freedom finger freedom finger whatever you want have fun underneath the boot of Wally Wallace and Kavon alright I'll be up here just fucking hunting cops Finger whatever you want. Have fun underneath the boot of Wally Wallace and K-Vaughn. All right? I'll be up here just fucking hunting cops.

Oh, shit. Do it, man. You can be little baby Dorner. Yeah, but that'd be crazy. I'd do blackface. You could get holed up in Greeley for a big standoff. Yeah, Toby would protect me. Yeah, get Toby involved. Give his daughter a gun.

That is the answer, dude, is to give a bunch of 14-year-old girls guns. That's the resistance I want to see. Fuck yeah. Empower the youth. I think it's time for plugs. Becker's pointing to his hair which means it's time for plugs.

But we don't have any plugs. Well, you do, don't you? Aren't you doing your going away show? I wish. That was one of those things that I thought I'd get to experience was the going away tour of like doing all of the best Denver shows before moving that I got to, wave to people from across Curtis Mestizo Park. Just from 100 yards away. I'll be like, bye, everybody. I love you all.

Dude, let's do this. Let's rent a truck. And I'll just drive you around the park. And everyone can be gathered in there. And you can just wave and do like an old-timey whistle-stop tour as your goodbye. That'd be sick. We got to get a flatbed? Yeah, of course, yeah.

A flatbed with like a big piano on it. Flatbed and some flatbread. So I can sing a couple songs. Yeah, dude, I don't know. Whatever I do, whether it's a Zoom call or a park hang, it will be invite only. So that's the important thing to remember

is that it's going to be, there's going to be a guest list. And then I'm going to invite a bunch of people who are not on the list, specifically that you hate. So that'll be fun. We have Michael Carter's ghost there i think uh i think bradley holtom's brother i know that you can't say anything but i feel like you and yourist have been working on a michael carter hologram from the makers of the tupac hologram. But yeah, so Lund, we're going to miss you, you know,

as a member of the Colorado comedy community. Good luck. Cool move. Down there doing shows in probably Walsenburg. Fox Theater, baby. Yeah, maybe you go over Durango once a year. No thanks. maybe you go over Durango once a year no thanks I'm so excited to see what you build down there it's going to be crazy

it is going to be crazy especially once I can start wrestling down there just taking on the townsfolk you going to let Brecker be your promoter? Brecker is going to be my mouthpiece and my hairpiece he's gonna be my eyes and my ears and guys we will be back in the same room soon soon as becker's healthy uh no we're not we're not no that's why we got the microphones you psycho i never want to see you again in real life. I never want to smell you again.

I want to see you on my computer screen a couple hundred miles away. That's what I want. I knew that's why you left. It was to hurt me. It all comes back to me. It's all about me. That's right. You're the main character i'm an npc

you have a i mean i don't know what it says about you that you have an npc for a best friend but uh i guess it's about domination and you can't dominate any more than being an npc becker's not an npc he's a poc he's my best friend he's a pos he's gonna be down he's gonna be down there with me oh at two brute yeah march oh my god okay we have plenty of time to make memories yeah you got you gotta you gotta get uh the equivalent of our 12 years together smushed into three months with a new, with your new understudy. Becker, I got to fatten you up. Your new side piece.

That's all you want in a friend is someone who is not as funny as you. There's not as known as you who can also, who also likes to eat a lot of random shit. Yeah, right, dude. I took you on. You were the king of the city. I was your sidekick forever. I took you on. You were the king of the city. I was your sidekick forever.

That was not true. People knew me as Lund's buddy. They called me Lund Jr. That was not true. I was new on the scene, and I was glad that I got to show up when I did and get in on the ground floor of, you know, whatever. The second wave, I guess, is what we would say. Or maybe we were the third wave when I got here.

I don't know. I think we were the green wave. I do know, Lun, that you are very funny. And I'll be the only one who still says it. I'm excited to go up to Fort Collins and get bumped at the comedy fort for some of the local killers. I'll host for you and somebody else that sucks will feature

and make more money than me. All right, we're out of here. Thanks for listening. Get on the Patreon, you idiots. The Patreon rules. We're going to do another AMA soon. So stay tuned for that. all right we're out of here thanks for the patreon you idiots the patreon rules we're gonna do another ama soon so stay tuned for that and you sent out everybody got their stuff in the mail probably by now they better have i had to double i had to repay for everyone's postage because i sent it out as media mail oh yeah you haven't gotten your package yet also whoever the

guy is that lives in Canada, it costs us $26 to ship to you. So we're $6 in the hole for your $20. So I don't want to hear anyone bellyaching about us not getting the packages out on time when it's a labor of love, literally. Cool. Also, thank you for being in Canada. We love you, and it's good to have an ally in the North.

We'll be joining you soon enough. When Fort Collins isn't North enough to escape the madness, we'll flee to Canada. We love you, and it's good to have an ally to the north. We'll be joining you soon enough. When Fort Collins isn't north enough to escape the madness, we'll flee to Canada. Yeah, right. You'll be in Trinidad. I can sheep-dick. There's direct flights from Trinidad to Calgary, Saskatoon, and Regina.

I got a direct flight to Regina, so I will have a go-bag for sure. Picking up. There it is. Slapping my chest. All right, guys. That's a Cheyenne mating call.

Punch your chest like Mark Wahlberg in fear. Good night, everybody. Thanks for listening. Bye. God is love.