Chubby Behemoth - Cardboard Casket

Episode Date: May 5, 2021

Bird Situation. Pull 'em. Take Your Creasy To Work Day.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra Episodes at https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

Oh, hello, Sam. Hey, guys, it's me, Sam. Hey, it's me. Washed out Sammy. Lifeblood. You look white as the wall behind you. Yeah, man, I've been doing this albino face paint thing all day. How's Emmy?

Not good. how's emmy not good she's okay she's at work she's working nights all week so i'm alone uh we've got roommate cat on the couch holding it down and uh gordy i'm about to put in a burlap sack and throw off a bridge. He's driving me fucking nuts. What is he doing? The little prayer hands? No, he's not doing anything cute. He's doing the opposite of cute. It's all grotesque and disgusting. He's just very needy, and he's getting his tooth pulled on Wednesday,

and he's in pain, and I get it, and I walked the shit out of him today, and he sat in my lap for like an hour and a half while I read, I just fed him. He hates yogurt. We learned that today. It's like nothing interesting. It's just, we're,

you know, just a couple of roommates who are having a tough time right now. Is he whining? He's whining. He won't stop whining. Yeah. That's not good. Yeah.

And like, as his roommate, I need to respect his boundaries he doesn't respect mine it's up my ass 24 set and it sucks because like i love him and when he dies it's gonna ruin me i need to have that perspective because he doesn't have much longer probably he's 14 uh but at the same time like i just I just lose it on him, and it sucks. Yeah, that's us with Mama, because after she had all those seizures, she's, and, you know, she was pretty dumb.

I mean, she was a dog, so that's, you know, pretty dumb. And then she had all those seizures and got even dumber than a regular old dumb dog. And it is tough. Well, yeah. Go ahead and copy me. That's fine. She'll do a lot of dumb stuff.

She's like four. We're going to have to deal with this dumb ass for like a decade. Yeah. Well, being upset with your dog is kind of my thing. So it sucks that you had to make it your thing and steal it. I have it twice as bad as you because george michael's up my ass for judging uh mama you know george michael rocks man he's laid back he's easy keeps it casual he always pays his half of the electricity gordy hasn't had a job in

fucking years and it's just piling up he's got social security right right? Well, they don't actually... They only pay for his prep. Yeah, because he's an HIV-positive dog. And he's not positive about it. He's bummed out. He cries about it all the time. Shouldn't have gone to Haiti. What were you guys talking about? His blast at Haiti.

Oh, he was saying he helped uh leslie move down here she's down here as of like four days ago and i was telling him when i think of leslie i think of like a few years ago she lost like every friend she'd ever had in like a six month span. She just was constantly posting about her, her, you know, mostly heroin addicted friends that just died like one after another. It seemed like it was just so much for a person to deal with. Yeah. That doesn't sound good.

You were supposed to cheer me up. I thought you were going to do a funny voice or tell me about a fart that you had, but no, Leslie's friends keep dropping i'm guessing you were too busy to help her move lund my ankle hurts yeah your ankle hurt this will cheer you up uh when uh i ran into dr kev right before he was gonna take off and he reminded me of the time when you know we were still doing too much fun it

was very popular he was like you know as always very stoked that he got to be a part of it and he he said to us yeah you know you guys had a hit on your hands when the when you had goth puss at first coming to the show and then it was hipster puss i I can't believe he said that. That was so funny. And it was a pretty accurate portrayal of our growth as a show. We did start off with a lot of goth puss at the show. More like art school. No, it was goth puss because of Chris's rehab friend, McMillan. He would bring all the zippered pants crew. Oh, yeah.

It was like a bunch of Slipknot roadies in that first couple years of the show. Yes, it was Goss Swingers night every Wednesday. Aaron Laundrie was there. I don't remember who that is. I do. I'll have to look that person up. Don't look that person up.

No one look that person up. Yeah, I mean, I like that. I like he told you that. He's told me that for the last four years now, though. I mean, every time I see Dr. Kev, it's like one of us just came out of a coma and he's not sure which one it was. Well, he's getting a tooth pulled on Wednesday, so he's anxious. Yeah, exactly.

He and Gordy are just, you know, getting a little more confused and needy. No, I think he grabbed you by the arm when he told you that and hold you so you couldn't escape? I don't think he did that time, but that is a good move. That's his move. It's a good move. Yeah, hey, let me get a hold of you so you can't run away. Yeah, it's like he has to wrist lock you before he can tell you that he cares about you. Yeah, he does often like to say which

is nice you know just be like you guys gave me my second wind you know you guys gave me another chance at this because he said he like wasn't having a good time performing at comedy works because he felt like he wasn't connecting with the audiences they were younger and so uh yeah he we kind of helped him uh get get used to performing for younger audiences at uh too much fun at the deer pile yeah all of his jokes about rodeoing for mountain weren't hitting you know with people who were born in 1992 so us giving him the opportunity to speak with and probably bet a couple young women was good for him you know i like taking them to bed two at a time because uh afterwards when i fall asleep they have somebody to talk to

it was even worse it's that way when i'm done they have someone to talk to no yeah that's what he said that's the joke that way when i've taken what's mine they got someone to talk to that way after my dick volcano erupts they got somebody to hope they got somebody to uh wipe each other down with a wet cloth that way after the knots are untied they got someone to talk to that way one of them can ride the other one home on the bicycle he's been a lot of boulder chicks i hope he's all right he's doing great one time a few years ago he did my mic at three kings and you know he's up there for like a minute and he's like hey how much time do i have left and i was like you got another eight nine years for sure kev you're

looking good you're healthy oh yeah everybody everybody loved it his old his dog did the worm his dog had worms and uh we had to put them down together behind three kings, put them in the dumpster. How about this? At that last party at the Chi Festival, which was a rousing success. Hey, shout out to Wally Wallace. Shout out to Tom Murphy at the funeral home. Becker will get a hold of that live pod and get it up whenever he can.

We're waiting on it. Yeah. We were over there at Janelle's house, and somehow she found a sparrow in one of her various top hats. There was a baby bird, and everyone was tripping. So they were like, we have to steward this baby bird back to life. Without us, this baby bird won't survive.

Yeah, this is why the festival happened. This is why we were brought down here, was to collectively save this young life. Yeah, this is our purpose, is to get all of our oils all over this bird so no other bird will ever accept it back into its nest. So Jim, of course, was like, it's a rare red-tailed hawk. It's one of the last of its breed. We must keep it alive. It is our purpose.

I'm Jim. So shout out to all the chubby chasers who kept coming up to me and being like, hey, Sam, we like your impressions where you just say the name of the person. I'm Byron Graham. I'm Jim Graham. I'm Sam doing either Jim Hickox

or Byron Graham. I'm Byron Graham. Good day? I got a fiber from... Paul Harvey. Paul Harvey was the name of that guy, by the way. I got a fiber from a chubby chaser. Nice. Well, I didn a fiver from a chubby chaser. Nice.

Well, I didn't receive shit from them. Yeah, man. It was pretty cool. But anyway, there's this bird situation. Yeah, back to the bird. Jim has it cupped in his palms, and every now and then he's just opening up and whispering to it you know like save yourself um and so they get the bright idea that they're going to call dr kev so they call dr kev at like 1 a.m so he's going to sleep for six hours at that

point and they're like dr k what do we do with this bird we got to save it and he's like put it outside and they were like you don't know shit about birds, man. What are you talking about? And I kept telling Jim, I was like, look, dude, it's a baby sparrow. You know,

I don't know if you read Darwin, but it's a eater be eaten, a killer be killed. So throw that bird outside, get rid of it, man. You know, it's not your job.

And then Jim was like, how dare you? You brute. You cruel one. We must protect that, which is small and weak. And Jim just kept coming up to me being pissed. I told him to throw the bird outside.

And he'd be like, why don't you kill the bird if you're the brave man? Come, Sam. Come. Leave the bird for its death, if that's what you dub fit. Go forth, you animal. Throw the bird outside. And I was like, I'm not going to fucking kill the bird dude and he's like well nor will i not on this day nor any to come after he acted like he was in game of thrones right and the next day at noon he texted i'm giving him a ride home and he's like well the bird died i was like no shit of course the bird died janelle told me that

they all you know tried to figure out what to do with the bird. And then she was like, oh, you know, she made a little shoebox for him. And like he slept next to her bed or something. And then there was a heat lamp involved for a while. Yeah. Jim somehow procured a heat lamp at 2 a.m. He had an airdrop from Senegal or something.

Amazon drone. Henceforth. Come, come hither. Hither drone. My beckon call. But yeah, henceforth, come, come hither. Hither drone, my beckon call. But yeah, that little bird hopped out of its little bed and went under the door,

under Janelle's bedroom door, and then her cat ate it. So, Darwin, baby, you were right. I called it. And then I killed the cat, because Jim tasked me with revenge. Vengeance is mine. I'm Byron Graham.

And I'm speaking for Jim Hickox. We didn't get to see. There were a few comics that didn't end up doing the festival. Some of them let Wally know. Others, I don't think, said a goddamn word. So that was pretty funny. I was like, never mind. You know?

But that was a hell of a weekend. It was nice to have a bunch of comics down here hanging out. Good weather. Good crowds. Well, good weather for sure. Some of the crowds were good.

Yeah. It's because we did the headlining shows. We did the good shows. That's right. That's my move. That's the smooth move of the week. Uh-huh. Blackmail the booker,

and then you go do the good shows. Speaking of blackmails, fucking Steve A.J. killed me me on that i almost died at that podcast i can't wait to hear it we don't norm yeah we're not normally telling people to listen to other podcasts but they should probably try and seek that out when that becomes available uh yeah the pita podcast hosted by andy main yeah so there's any if there's any crossover appeal, if all you pedophiles want to go check that out. Steve AJ was just very funny. I had Danny

Moppen next to me and that's never good. Me and Moppen were a real gruesome twosome this weekend. Good God. That dusty, dizzy bitch. Yeah. Danny bought a duster on the second day on his first attempt at buying a duster. He didn't have to try at all to find a duster that fit him perfectly yeah he was like hey who needs who needs to write jokes i got a duster

yeah danny just needs danny just needs a hook or two for the whole weekend he just rides that wave just pounds it and it was a it was a duster and it was uh doing a spin doing a little spin was his was his move yeah the moves got more and more problematic as the weekend went on he was he was we and him had a new one that i want to talk about but i'll show you guys we would say pull them and then do this pull them fellas i had a move that uh was pretty regrettable when we were at lunch uh we talked about oh yeah jim offered to pay for lunch which was very nice oh forgot about this i said hey uh fellas there are like five of us that were hanging out at lunch and i said hey let's take care of the tip if you have any cash uh you sam said you did not have any cash i said i got you bud and then i went to jokingly uh

pantomime you know uh act like i was gonna make you that i was gonna take your head and make you perform oral sex on me you were gonna force suck me and uh it didn't feel good at all it wasn't very fun it was very weird it was the worst thing to happen to me all weekend and i killed a bird whoops no you ate that bird blamed it on the cat pull them so but uh yeah no because you you didn't like it would have been funny and like you know more comedic if you would have grabbed the back of my head and been like a you know like yank it real hard and then we would have been funny and more comedic if you would have grabbed the back of my head and been like a, you know, like yank it real hard. And then we would have laughed and it would have been a good time. Instead, your hands gently, your fingers gently landed in the back of my hair.

And like there was like a loving moment where you didn't like you barely touch the skin of my head. You just like grazed my hair. And then we were both like oh my god well yeah so yeah i thought i thought it would be less of a violation if i didn't you know force your head anywhere if i just it's like how uh you you acted and and we have gone back and forth with this instead of actually pantsing one another a lot of times we'll just grab you know grab the other person's shorts yeah let them know to let them know you don't follow through because we're friends you know and so and just the idea that you could have done it is enough i also thought well just

touching the back of your head is enough i don't need to you know make you get a fucking neck you know get a crick in your neck so i just touched the back of your head for a second that made it way worse yeah i wish you would have just i wish you would literally would have i would have preferred you to have slapped me in the face with your turgid hog you have done what you did to me where it was like you know it's like when two lovers know they're gonna have their last go before one of them ships off to war so they're both trying to make it really special that's what you did to me you tried to make it special and that's the worst thing to do when you're trying to fake suck your buddy well and then is to feel the romance in

their fingers i like that danny uh was on board with it and started grabbing people's heads for the rest of the festival yeah hey all right this is what we're doing it's like whoa all right yeah i guess if you're close enough if you have that relationship yeah grab grab your buddy grab the back of your buddy's head yeah but grab it with both hands and like really yank it don't don't like don't whisper a sweet nothing with your fingertips well all right yeah lesson learned are you ready here it comes open up here's my penis we're gonna guide your head over to my penis yeah that sucked here we go open your mouth also i uh i felt bad that we pants noah the first night we max beasley did i wasn't there for that oh okay i didn't do it i never touched his pants i know but you you orchestrated you were the uh

you were the captain of that ship yeah the puppet master yeah i was the shock collar i wanted this i wanted to pants him so bad but i really don't want to be a villain to that kid well that's the thing is i don't know what's good and bad anymore you know i just think it's all good old-fashioned fun and apparently it's assault brother but a lot of people tried to do their best yanking his pants down and it was revealed he had a pair of khaki shorts underneath his sweatpants and he was like i'm the joker but that was his look all through high school yeah he's got pant you know getting pants defense he's got a second line of defense against people seeing his little his little nuts oh yeah that guy must have been yanked so

many times yeah why else would you tie your pants on as tight as he did yeah it's like he was trying to like hide the fact that he had jewels in's like he was trying to hide the fact that he had jewels in there. He was trying to keep a bird from escaping. He was like Michael Jordan who wore his college basketball shorts underneath his NBA shorts, which seems

insane. Can you? What is the thought process where you're like, yeah, I'll just double up on heating up my dick and balls and see what happens? His college shorts were also much, much smaller than his NBA shorts. Yeah, I understand that. I remember those tar heel baby blues,

but it just seems crazy that he probably had either underwear, but it just seems crazy that he probably had either underwear, jockstrap, maybe the spandex undershorts. Maybe he foreweighed those. I think we all know it was just Hanes. Yeah, three layers of Hanes because they're paying him for it. I'm surprised he was able to shoot loads with swimmers in him. him maybe he didn't maybe that's why he was so furious and competitive his dick wilted away like like like tying a rubber band around it it just got crusty and fell off but i felt bad about pantsing noah and the next

day i was pantsed and i didn't feel bad anymore. Turned into the Joker? Yeah, exactly. That was my secret of the youths, was just get pantsed. People saw my thighs and I was like, do you want to know how I got these scars? I got pants, but thanks to our running gag, our three-day gag of dressing the same, my shirt was so big and long that you couldn't see anything that you,

you know, there was no reveal. My shorts hit the sidewalk, but you could barely see my knees thanks to your 4X tall Key West long sleeve sleeve that's why i got them man is to so i can be pants proof so often on the road sam t heads are like what up t and they go for a high five and then they yank me and i'm just standing there with my my dick and one ball out the other one's hidden away so yeah i had to take some kind of precaution but you got pants right there on the street no one could tell i got pants i think in the bar it was a collab between who was it hiker and zach moss oh damn double teamed by two of your oldest friends well yeah but hiker the

night before was fucking you know drinking until 8 a.m up until 10am he was in a bad way he loves it I was like what's the matter with you what happened he's like I think I drank 30 beers and I was like yeah that makes sense alright holds up you degenerate he also just broke up with his girlfriend so he's probably feeling it right now oh yeah

well it is I don't know if I should have said that on the pod I think we said it on the other pod, so. Oh, no, that was a discovery at the bar. You're right. Yeah. And your reaction was not nice. I was very supportive. I enjoyed it. Don't get me wrong.

What did I say? The squish. Lish took the squish off the table. Oh, yeah. That was the first thing you said before. Sorry. Oh, man. Are you okay? You had to get a rhyme in. He said Lish took the squish off the table.

And he was so stunned that he just stared at you. And then you realized, oh, no. And then he realized, like, oh, I'm going to make him feel bad. So he said, imagine a table. And you said, yes. And he said, there's no squish on that table. Damn, I pulled a Brent Gill when Sharpie's uncle died. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, it was a real previous symptoms. Yeah, I was like, so what? But OK, that sucks. What's the pre-existing squish?

Yes. yeah i was like so what but okay that sucks what were the what's the pre-existing squish yes bummer well you know we all say stuff how much do we want to leave in oh leave it all in who cares well i was gonna say it's uh you know couples break up i heard of several there were several uh there was a lot of breakups right before the festival oh yeah there were a lot of a lot of newly single comics getting blackout and hoping somebody would pants them and then and then grab their head yeah that's right which uh yeah sometimes you know uh sometimes it can feel, but not really because it's like what happens nine times out of ten. It's like, oh, yeah, okay, well, you'll be fine. That reminds me of a time when two of my friends dated right after high school.

They had liked each other in high school and then dated after. And everybody was very happy that they got together because it seemed like it made sense and it didn't happen you know right away and then it did it was like oh wonderful and they dated for a few years and then uh they were you know they broke up things took a turn or whatever as like i said as as is totally normal and natural to happen and one of uh one of our friends was very upset about it and acted like that was not what was supposed to happen. And, you know, said something like, well, but you're Eric and Sheila.

And it's like, that's not an argument for two people to stay together, is that you made sense for a while or that you wanted them to be together you know what i mean like yeah they really worked when they were 15 shit changes baby yeah oh this is the couple that i had to hear bang in at the clown motel in tonopah oh damn yeah and and i and of course i was i was happy for them and then yeah when it when when things were starting starting to

to not work out it was like okay yeah then you should probably end it like what's the alternative is to do what a lot of our parents did and just stay together and hate each other and that's way worse yeah i mean next step is murder suicide right somebody's gonna take a bullet to the face yeah and it's not gonna be me you hear that emmy you always cut and run i don't cut and run as soon as i hold and choke until there's no chance left for anything yeah that's right you tied a rubber band around your dick to get out of your last relationship before emmy so yeah i smother and cover i'm like a walking waffle house short order cook this is funny i texted hiker what you said i was like

what did i say to you right before when you told me lish broke up with you and i he said it wasn't what you said it was hiker or bob what's your name becker becker yeah i was i was stone sober at this party by the way okay he says the first thing I said was, damn, and she had him too. Okay, to be fair, I think that was in the same string of words. I don't think you took a breath between dance. So Lish took the squish off the table. What a beautiful mind I have. Yeah, it is a beautiful mind.

I laughed so hard that night my back almost went out it was awesome we were having so much fun at that bar dude hey did you get to hang out with that uh that guy who was the sound guy two years ago who made his own knives no i don't think so christ i know i know he has made you he's made both of us feel bad he made me feel bad for not remembering his name or whatever you know i did the hey are you you live down here and he was like no i live in denver we've talked before we've met before like oh okay you're one of those you're one of those that wrote everybody's name down in a journal and makes them feel bad if they don't remember you right away that went much better than mine did he came up to me he's like hey sam you remember me that's the worst

thing you can do is just throw the gauntlet down right away and i was like well you know i was thinking you know do i know any pedophiles because this guy looks like one so i said uh no i don't how are you and he said oh yeah we've hung out a bunch and i was like really and he's like yeah i was the sound guy for one of your shows two years ago so i don't know what hang out a bunch means in this guy's fucking vocabulary well if you never hang out with anybody ever then hanging out a bunch can mean a lot of different things. Oh, yeah. And then he made me feel bad about that.

But then the next night, he turned everyone against him because we were at Dad Lounge. And he came up to the group and he asked, hey, does anyone have an extra tobacco unit? Trying to bum a cigarette. Oh, hell yeah. Coming up with creative ways to look cool and put somebody out. Becker, how much does that piss you off right now, just hearing that? That bothers me a ton. And now being in Trinidad has made me more.

It's so much more difficult to get cigarettes down here, and they're more expensive, so I think I'm going to quit tomorrow. Whoa. May the 4th be with you jesus uh tomorrow's the fourth that guy oh yeah that guy definitely says may the fourth be with you oh yeah when he's not out bumming tobacco units there was that there was that guy and then there was uh the guy with the leather jacket kilt combination just stomping around. Tough rider. Mean mugging motherfuckers.

Yeah, I think he came to the Trinidad lounge and I was working the door and so I asked him for his ID and he was like, really? There were a few people that acted like I was insane for wanting to see ID before going into

a fucking bar that just opened and uh you know it's and and carding people that i don't know it's not like uh i like me and sound guy hanging out a bunch i had never talked to this guy before and he was like really uh i've been in here a few times already and i was like okay do you have an id he's like no i was like then you can't come in luckily suzanne one of the owners came over and was like, okay, do you have an ID? He was like, no. I was like, then you can't come in. Luckily, Suzanne, one of the owners, came over and was like, oh, hey, he's fine. He's been in here a few times. He just drinks NA beers.

And I was like, oh, okay, strike two. Because I'm sober, too. But I don't fucking pound NA beers. And I'm guessing he tries to put his thumb over the NA part. So he looks like he's a normal person. Well, yeah, but he also he needed some refreshment he had pounded the pavement for eight and a half hours that day just walking laps across main street looking for that dropkick murphy's cassette in every shop window uh so yeah i think uh i think he's got a chip on that leather jacketed shoulder.

Or one of those guys, yeah, just hoping that people will comment or will engage in conversation based on his kilt-leather jacket combo. Yeah, wait, you think the guy who was wearing Doc Martin's kilt-leather jacket Nirvana shirt has a chip on his shoulder? You think that guy has something to prove? No way. chip on his shoulder you think that's something to prove well yeah i think i think he's um i think he's hoping that yeah that people will talk to him about his ensemble and uh unfortunately the opposite is happening no one has talked to him in years and you know he was nice enough but uh hopefully he had a good time and hopefully he uh doesn't have a bunch of guns at home. Just talking to him at night.

Put me in your mouth. Put me in somebody's mouth. It doesn't have to be a mouth. Just put me in somebody. I just, I just remembered my other favorite interaction of the weekend. Oh, hell yeah.

A certain someone who was wearing a sweater, like a nun's mock asked a headliner's mother for nudes. Oh, yeah. Mom, do you know who that was? No. It was me. Oh, shit. Better run.

Mom was there. She loved it. It was wild. Yeah. I was like, ma'am, it's very nice to meet you. My name is Sam talent and your son's been nothing but a peach to me his entire life. He's an inspiration. And I admire him on and off stage. He was like, Oh my God. She was like, Oh my God, that's so sweet.

You know, she's from Maine. I can't do a Maine accent apparently. But she was like, and she's not, she was like, yeah, he he's he's not bad to look at either is he and I was like yeah in fact do you have any nudes of your son ma'am and I was like younger the better how about the classic uh bath bubble bath photo uh but you know it's a little later in the bath and the bubbles have all cleared out. There's just a toy boat and a little boy penis. Yeah, that was a fun bit. Asking mommy for nudes. But not nudes of

her. I thought you were talking nudes of her. Hey, I don't care. That's why I did the whole thing Blind Bottom style. I wanted him to tell it. Also, I did have my sweatshirt wrapped around my head like a nun's album. I don't know why. You made Ben wait to introduce you to his mother

until you got the sweater right. Oh, yeah. I wanted to make an impression. What an idiot. Speaking of blind items, another blind item. A certain greased-up Broncos fan shoved a woman oh yeah i heard about that you hear about that i think you told me oh yeah well he didn't actually show her let me break it down i was out front in front of uh the the cowboy museum where the after party was because this was

the kind of festival it was. And Danny had been making eyes at this young woman who came up with Jill Carlson. And she was standing next to me and I was telling her how great Danny was. You know, Danny rules. Danny's the best, blah, blah, blah. And Creasy came, I think, back from bothering you at work. Oh, perfect.

Yeah, and he came up to me and he was like, sam so that went exactly as you said it would and uh well yeah he he tried to freaking stand next to me while i checked ids at the door to this bar as if that made any sense and you know so of course i get annoyed and uh tell him hey go get a beer like i think he wants to get a beer and we'll talk you know i don't know but he just stands right next to me on drugs probably oh yeah and then like take somebody's id and says they're good to come in you know while i'm checking somebody else's id like a little kid just blow you know just blowing it just you know pissing off dad and uh you know and then goes you know acts like you know he's damaged our

friendship beyond repair and it's like no it's it's not that either you know it wasn't you know it wasn't a huge deal but yes i am annoyed but we're gonna be fine we're gonna make it through i'm still gonna talk to you it wasn't take your dimwit son to work oh yeah i said it's not it wasn't take your crazy to work day yeah take your numb nuts to work day uh but yeah so he actually he ran that idea by me too he's like i'm gonna go hang out with lund at work and i was like don't do that he'll hate it and he's like no i'm gonna go stand with him at the door and i was like again listen he will hate it and he's like no exactly a half hour later he comes up i'm trying to grease the wheels for danny

and he walks up and he's like so that went exactly as you said it was and uh and this girl's like oh you're gonna interrupt huh and she went to grab his forearm like playfully she's like oh so you're interrupting and they went to flirtatiously grab his forearm and he put his forearm up and like held it forward so her palms were on the back of his arm and he like prevented her from touching him because, you know, female touch is his worst nightmare. But when he did that, I was like, oh my God, you just shoved a woman. You said it real loud. Yeah. To everyone. And then I literally, I said, oh, Creasy you shoved a woman. And then I, I had Emily's keys.

So it had a rape whistle on it. So I took the key out and I blew the whistle. I said, Hey everybody, Creasy just shoved a woman and then she said i gotta get out of here and like ran up the block so everything went as bad as it could have gone and then creasy just kept going up to people and he's before they would say anything he'd be like i did not shove a woman tonight which made them think that he was out shoving women that he shoved three women and only people only saw one yeah like face push style hey yeah that's my move that's the worst one yeah it's your move but uh creasy didn't shove a woman i saw it i just told everyone he did i did shove a woman's face but i don't remember it so i don't think it counts

doesn't yeah no it doesn't remember it you've just told me about it a bunch it doesn't count in reno well i've heard about it a bunch because i was at a vice principal's retirement party at a bar and everybody saw it and told me about it the next the next monday i had to go apologize to this young and luckily she said it was fine i unfortunately i think we were flirting or chatting and so i just ruined everything by by drunkenly uh disagreeing with her you know she said something i was like oh yeah right and i just gave her face a little push uh not hard i think she was sitting on a bar stool and did not fall over or anything,

but God, what a stupid thing to do. And then I have the guy retiring at 80 who wants to kick my ass. I was like, bring it on, baby. I'll give you a gold watch right up your ass. Shoved her.

What do you think I'll do to you? Yeah. I shoved a pretty young woman. What do you think I'm going to do to your Skeletor ass? Yeah, so Lund shoved a woman for real. Becker's smoking in the house. It's his joint.

Oh, okay. Becker has a cool truck. I kept pulling up to Becker's house and honking the horn out front and he wouldn't come outside. I never heard you honk the horn. I saw you pull up and didn't tell us, but I never heard you honk the horn or I would have come out. Well, that hurts me. I'm sorry.

I wish you would have come over. I'm bummed you didn't see my place. Yeah, I am too. Whose fault is that? Becker offered to let me use his washer and dryer whenever I want, and so I went over there pretty late. We did a late- pod and i started i did some laundry now the washing machine is uh looks pretty damn new works great the dryer has like a fucking what is it you said uh maybe the the the rubber casing between the belt loose the belt

that's right the belt of the dryer is loose and so it makes a sound like a fucking bald eagle being strangled you know just like a screeching it's super loud it gets you know three rooms away from us but you can hear it so so fucking clear as day i felt so bad because it's also it's older so you know it takes a little while for shit to dry so and and becker had done laundry like most of that day and then i'm doing it you know until like one in the morning and the the neighbors are right there you know there's not a lot of room between houses so i felt really bad uh i have already accident like the first day a couple days i moved here i did laundry really late and thought about it when i was finishing up of like oh i was a dick and i apologized to the old guy next door the old morning he was like i can't hear shit i take my hearing aids out at night oh damn that's great

yeah because i've also i also have been like hey man this weekend i was like hey i'm gonna be coming in later so i'll hop the curb if you don't want me using the driveway after like midnight he was like no i've told you I take my hearing aids up. Just kill your headlights. I don't give a fuck. Wow. So you guys can have late night laundry hangouts all the time. Yeah.

Laundry parties are back on. That's cool, man. I'm glad to hear you guys can bond all hours of the day. I'm driving up to Denver tomorrow to hang out with you after hanging out with you all weekend. All weekend? You didn't hang out Thursday. I don't want to hear it. We saw each other for a lot of Thursday,

and I went home at like 10, 30, 11 at night. Didn't come to the after party where everyone was planning my pre-birthday party. Okay, yeah. I went home early Thursday so that I could hang out Friday, Saturday, and watch all of my friends get wasted. It was the best. Yeah, I bet you didn't like that did you for the most part it was fine

and then there was the moment at like three in the morning when we're in Janelle's backyard Danny Maupin is on fucking it's just a little energizer bunny with a duster on and he just whips us whips an unopened can of bud light at a just whips it at at this fence and patrick richardson goes do it again

they they both wanted to or several people were drunk enough to want to start up one of Janelle's two lawnmowers. Yeah, we had the lawnmowers going before you got there. We had the wheelbarrow was full of people. Well, the wheelbarrow is, you know, there's no motor. What? We were pulling them. Oh, yeah. It was fun.

Patrick Richardson was chasing Danny around like a goblin, you know, like he's like a big ogre and Danny was running around. Then Danny grew tired of the bit, so he just stopped and turned around and said, all right, that's enough, Pat. But Patrick kept coming, so Danny just grabbed Patrick's dick and balls. That is true. I saw that. Yeah, just crawled inside his robot body and whispered to his ghost.

It was good, man. It was just a lot of fun. It was a good old-fashioned fun, man. That was the only comedy festival to happen in the last 14 months, so we had to cut loose and go a little crazy. Also, everyone was fired up because it was my birthday. Yeah, that was a big part of it. Yeah, that was what really carried it over the edge.

Everybody was very invested. I tried to come back out at midnight because i forgot it was your birthday and i drove back over and didn't realize the party was moving from the uh museum to somewhere else and felt terrible that i missed your birthday that's all right you could have messaged me i did message you as soon as i got up i didn't know that night but i didn't like where are we i didn't know if you guys moved or if the party petered out because everybody was pretty drunk when i left at like 10, 15. No, man.

We were doing it big. Some would say it was the best party to ever happen. God damn it. Well, you know what sucks is – No one said that. Yeah, nobody said that. You know what? I didn't realize until yesterday, I think, that –

You didn't get anything? Well, no. But, yeah, because you're 34, not not 13 i don't have to get my birthday month man i don't have to get you a ps2 or whatever you got when you were 13 uh no i didn't realize there were i think there were two after parties so we were split we could have had one big old bonnaroo but uh we were split into two factions, I think. There was the after party at the Western Museum and then the Western Museum people were pissed at us

because me and Danny kept going up and down in the elevators mooning each other. What? I found the elevator and I would get on and I would go down and Danny would be waiting for me with his butt out and then I would go back up and he'd be waiting for me like, I got your ass,

and I'd be there with my butt out at the top of the stairs. We did that a couple times, and that turned off everyone. No one was stoked on that bit besides us. You guys are throwing pieces of pizza at each other's genitals. Yeah, we were in that museum. We were whipping Bud Lights at the paintings,

and no one was stuck. Yeah, so I don't know, man. It was fun. I don't think we split the parties, though. I think we all decided to go to Janelle's. No, I think that there was another get-together and so we were kind of split in half, which was fine. I don't know if we could have had a bunch more people,

twice as many people. Well, yeah, Big Will would have started IDeing people at the door that's my move that will guys fucking he's a dichotomy like he's fun i gotta hang out with him he's cool but like he drove me and danny to that party in the flatbed of a truck sitting in chairs he set up for us just totally reckless and irresponsible and then we're in the backyard and me and danny are playing a little grab ass and he's like hey keep it down we're gonna get keep the neighbors up and it's like dude pick a side be an agent of chaos or uh or be a hall monitor you can't be both oh no well like i said like you said i think uh there's two wolves inside of him one is a

hall monitor and one is cool yeah but he got us fired up he got us in the back of a pickup truck he got that wind blowing through our air the duster just flapping behind you yeah me and dan just literally were screaming i posted it to my instagram story today just screaming and saying who's smarter than us you got you guys had some uh some grand ideas for danny and uh the the the gift of flight but it didn't happen oh yeah i mean dude me and danny shouldn't be allowed to hang out for more than four hours it's just it's just one man who's dumber than the other one edge you know edging that one to do dumb things. Well, yeah. It would have been a cool move if Danny

could have gotten on wires and flew across Main Street like Peter Pan. Yeah, I wanted Jim to blow some of his apartheid money and make that happen. Blood diamonds? Yeah, his fucking Elon Musk cash. Uh... blood diamonds yeah it's fucking elon muskash uh yeah well i mean danny's so funny that if he killed himself i'd be like it makes sense

you know what i mean i mean yeah but wow what a statement we know when someone's like so filled with joy and like always the life of the party and never sad and then they do do it and you're like, yeah, I guess we should have asked how he was doing. Yeah. I thought you were thinking like tortured genius, but you were just saying you guys are both dumb as hell. So you're going to make it.

I get obsessed with the brilliant artist that's kind of tortured by either their brilliance or their inability to see their own brilliance. That's a trope. The fucking dude, Doug Kenny from National Lampoon. David Foster

Wallace. Fucking Cobain probably. Horatio Sands. I know. See, Horatio's like us. He's going gonna live forever because he's not that good he's no he's great uh bobby moynihan he might be or you know like harris whittles you know was like genius but then also very sad and just kind of living life on the edge yeah like farley belushi they're all the funniest people alive and when they when they did die everyone's like oh you know that's what happens the sun oh, you know, that's what happens. The sun explodes.

And that's what's going to happen with Danny. We're going to find him dangling from a nerd's rope with his pants down. His final act was mooning us. I chopped him in the throat because he tried to grab my head a little too hard once he loved it

I did a frontwards jab with just my you know because I didn't want to like rear back and give him a knife edge Ric Flair chop to the esophagus but I just did a forward my four fingers

just got him in the in the front of the neck and he you know what that's called colloquially right no i don't want to say it four finger death punch no it rhymes it's a rhymer it's a rhymer slimer so is it Is it racist? Yeah. Oh, okay. Well, then let's save it for the text, the group text. Is this a Patreon? No. Okay, well, never mind then.

Could be. But if you want to hear us say stuff like that, get on the Patreon, everybody. If you want to say it, make this the Patreon, and then have me put out the live episode free, we can that no no no we'll put out but hey while we're talking about patreon why don't you get on there and support it chubby behemoth on patreon patreon.com slash chubby behemoth go crazy we don't have any ads on this thing we don't talk about blue chew or you know vpns which are only really used to get child porn. So we're good people. So just support it.

I have a Pixel, and it does a VPN, and it makes it so that I have to turn it off in order to bet on sports. So sometimes you want to be known, or sometimes you want people to know where you are. Your Google Pixel is the most upsetting thing about you. Okay, why? Well, just of all your weird proclivities and your eccentricities,

you having a Google Pixel is so bizarre. That's fine. I didn't want an iPhone. I didn't want to pay a shitload of money for a phone. But I wanted a decent phone, so I wanted the Pixel. It's okay i don't know hey guys if you want lun to quit having a weird phone get on that patreon so you can get an iphone and it's also the only phone at the library yeah it's also the only place to hear

the live up yeah you know it's good on the live app we talked you brought up uh can't remember the reddit user's name but uh somebody in the chub reddit uh just posts lunch should start drinking and then the text just goes right and it's like who the fuck are you the very next line calls for me to start heroin again well yeah i think i think that was a brand of people i think that was a sarcastic reply because making fun of the original post i'm not sure but uh yeah weird move i don't know who the uh the the account was but zach moss supported it and started chanting lond lond in the back of the funeral funeral home but then afterwards he was like hey i was just kidding back there starting that lunch and i'm glad that you don't but then afterwards he was like, hey, I was just kidding back there, starting that lun chant. I'm glad that you

don't drink anymore. And I was like, I know, because you know me. I think if we get to like 10K on Patreon, you should drink once on livestream. Just like drink a 12 pack. Jesus Christ, I can't even imagine after five years what a 12... I could drink a six pack and be

drunk as hell. Yeah, right. You'd be fine. And I will. Yeah, if we get to 10k no you know what would be fun i don't know if megan's listening or not um for a live show especially with death metal dicks if we do a double live podcast tour maybe i crack it no i can't i can't i'm not a private. I'm not a public drinker for money. What about you, Becker? Will you get back on the spike if we hit 5K? Yeah, sure.

As long as somebody's paying for the problem. All right. Nice. You heard me first, folks. We're not paying for rehab. No, I mean, as long as the fans are paying for me to buy heroin. For the kid? Yeah.

The last comment on that thread ended up being why are y'all just worried about nathan's non-existent drinking when the true problem is that dude who jacks off 50 times a day so brent gill's still getting called out by our fans yeah dude that that sounds like man talk about a chip on your shoulder. It seems like Brent was called a virgin or something and tried to never be called a virgin again. Not that jerking off equals having sex, but you know what I mean. Instead of being like, oh, yeah, I'll show you. Wait, it doesn't count? Not really.

Am I a virgin? Emily refuses to even look at your dick. But yeah, that, I don't know. He looks at it through an empty toilet paper tube from across the room. And she says, Land Ho. Brent thinks, yeah, Brent thinks that if you don't use it, you lose it. So he just keeps jerking off to make sure it's still down there. Yeah, it's the same logic that like my latino cousins had when i was a kid where they're like if you if

you get a boner and you don't immediately whack it you're never gonna get a boner again yeah that's uh not how she blows thankfully and uh yeah we'll see uh we'll see how much brent is whacking in uh future episodes we gotta we gotta check in with him and hopefully uh maybe try and slow his ass down he was on the live pod talking about it yeah he loves it he has no shame about it he's a machine he he's he's like weirded out that the rest of us don't get it yeah that's what's bizarre he's acting like he's a machine he he's he's like weirded out that the rest of us don't get it yeah that's what's bizarre he's acting like he's galileo and we're all the maniacs for thinking that the earth is the center of the universe yeah it's like in a world that's gone crazy you know you have to be crazy to be sane

truly fascinating i don't understand it but i appreciate it i'm glad that he well especially after i don't appreciate it after noah was just a total turd megan thought that he was on drugs but he had no actual excuse he was like trying to do a bit where the bit is that he is very not funny and doesn't really not barely verbal he was just fucking like negging us as a bit like he thought that was the move was to just not answer he couldn't answer any question not even with a joke answer it's like he thought that uh an honest answer was lame a joke answer was also not an option. He needed a third thing that would be considered completely original. I don't know.

Some of it was killing me. Well, that's good. It was infuriating me. He made me bully him. I know. You threw him on the ground. Yeah, you shoved him off of his chair. Well, all of a sudden, instead of trying to focus.

You pulled a creasy like he was a young woman. Instead of trying to focus, I was back in college. Yeah. It was like you were at a retirement party. We were sitting in those chairs that could lean back. those uh you know chairs that could you know go lean back and all of a sudden he decides that he needs to start like rocking in it you know forcefully and i was like all right dude if you're gonna focus on the fact that your chair can lean back i'm gonna make it lean all the way back and i did and i felt a little bad when megan was like i think he was on drugs because like oh boy

he you know we put him in a weird situation. We barely, you know, we didn't give him a lot of lead time in asking him to do the pod. I think I realized after this weekend, he's just always having a panic attack. He's just incredibly nervous and anxious. And that's how we get through the world. And we need to be a little softer with our boy, Noah. Well, I think it's that. And he realizes that leans into it a little.

Like the bit where he kept knocking the microphone off the table, that was a bit. I was watching him slowly do it with his hand. Yeah, right. So, yeah, there's just these little, you know, Sam, I'm going to blame you and me to a lesser extent. I didn't do it. No, I think this is what happened is uh you and i

you as the you know the the the king of denver comedy the one that everybody's looking up to says you can do anything you you want to stand out you want to be unique you don't want to follow the road you know that's been heavily traveled when it comes to comedy everything's been done but you can still you know try to play with the expectations of a crowd or you know uh fuck around with the art form and and you know break rules in order to uh forge a new path and uh you know be seen as like a creative comic and you have comics who did that like harris alterman or ben bryant in a very funny way and then noah noah went a different way no we know we love noah but you know what i mean he's like really trying to test the boundaries of what is going to make people laugh and it's man uh it's not always going to

work out well i'm just glad that i can be blamed yet again for one of the bad sides of denver comedy that's always refreshing you were the Pied Piper leading these young children to their deaths. These young listless comedians. That was my mistake was being nice to these kids. You should have bullied them more is what you're saying? Yeah, I should have sincerely bullied them. I don't have any empathy for these kids who

started in Denver when I was running mics and stuff because Noah would have done one open mic if Baumauer was hosting it and then he would have gone to law school. He never would have done one open mic if baumauer was hosting it and then he would have gone to law school like he never would have done comedy you know like baumauer was a tyrant baxley rick kearns all these fucking you know throwbacks these near anderthals that we had to deal with mike long it was just like it was well they were emotionally distant dads you know like if they talked to you it was probably to make fun of you and then they'd be mean to you yeah they they just keep walking just shove you into the

the rocky facade behind the comedy work stage you know just shove shove you back first ow just get stabbed in the back by those by all those rocks i tried to high-five chuck roy one time and he said don't fucking touch me yeah i mean it was bad news well and and i think it's good that we didn't continue that uh tradition regret no no it is way worse to have that still like it was weird to go from denver to other places and see like when that is a thing. When you have these younger comics that should know better, but they just think, that's how I got it. It's like, you don't have to continue

this abuse, this legacy of being an asshole. But that's the case in a lot of places and a lot of the comics that... It's like when a diddler becomes a diddler. Yes. Hurt people hurt people. There's a lot of places and a lot of the comics that uh like when a diddler becomes a diddler yes hurt people hurt people yeah there's a lot of uh yeah there's a lot of comics that are gonna be standoffish that also that aren't gonna leave like we had that there were you know there were quite a few comics that didn't leave uh denver but they also weren't like complete assholes.

Like you're saying they were a little tough love, whatever. They're not going to be encouraging to everyone. But once you were funny, you, they, they, they were very encouraging and they weren't super protective of their spots.

Most of them, because they were funny. So they knew they were going to get, keep getting work or whatever. I wish I would have ran these kids through a series of psychosexual tasks. Like Saw, but with a boner. Yeah, like a very homoerotic fraternity hazing situation. That would have been much better than what I did.

You're saying you host a night of the New Faces contest and you pants a couple of them as the host. Not even pants, like paddle. contest and you pants a couple of them as the host. Not even pants, like paddle. You know? Maybe sneak the handle of the paddle inside one of them if they're particularly bad.

If they refuse to fall in line. Sneak. What? Just sneaking a handle inside. Oh, yeah. They don't know until it's too late. Do we have any bests and fests from the weekend?

Well, like you said, you were talking forever about Steve and AJ on PETA, People Enjoying Terrible Accidents, is the podcast. I don't know when that will be up because Carlos ate the recorder. Shout out to Carlos, though, doing every podcast, even though there's no people at them ever. Holding it down. Because Carlos ate the recorder. Shout out to Carlos, though, doing every podcast, even though there's no people at them ever. Holding it down. I think there were more people at the podcasts at the funeral home this year

than there were in 2019. So I'm going to count it as a win. Yes, count it as a win. The festival was bigger and better this time. We were not able to, you know, we talked about maybe trying to get a dead. We were so close to maybe being able to have a dead body did you hear that story no tom tom said yeah i think you weren't there yet but we took a little becker and i uh and we're helping wally or whatever and then we took a tour of the funeral home uh the owner tom loves comedy very glad to be a part

of the festival i mentioned to him yeah we were hoping to maybe like have a dead body you know next to us while we pod and he was like well you know uh I've had a dead body I've had a guy here since September but uh but he had he buried him like the like Thursday during the day I think so So we almost could have had this guy. And it was exactly what I said the situation would have to be, which is no family. Nobody to find out and be pissed or sue Tom. No, just a drifter or whatever.

Just a guy who walked in the desert and got attacked by dogs. A guy with a dog person, a guy that lived out in the desert with dogs and then the dogs turn on him uh you know once the food runs out uh but yeah we almost i mean not not that tom would have given us this guy's uh dead body for our use but maybe he could have been cajoled he's he likes to party but uh becker and i just weren't winking at each other when he said that either. We couldn't do that. We couldn't

come out of caskets. So we went with plan C, which was dressing alike. Also, I thought about it. The fact that we were like, hey, can we get into caskets for the beginning of the show? And I was like, well, maybe that's going to give me like a panic attack or an existential crisis.

Yeah. But you know, what's worse than that is being told they don't have a casket big enough for you. That really makes you think about your own mortality a little bit more is when they're like, we couldn't bury you if we wanted to. I don't think the caskets they had were big enough for me yeah i could see

yeah a lot of kids are dying down there you're right oh yeah they were oddly narrow like i was thinking about it when nathan and i moved that casket for him it was small it was small yeah but that was also that was a cardboard casket that was like lowest rung on the funeral service ladder was you get a, you, if you, if you don't have enough money for the, for the crematorium to work for, you know,

10 minutes, then you get a cardboard casket. And I think that's one step above, like leaving the body outside and letting the birds take it. Yeah, man, that is rough, man.

Cardboard casket. My God. also shout out to tom man he's like cool guy you know he's got he's got the it's the chapel house and then in very small print beneath that it's you know and mortuary so it's cool yeah it's the sign said fh so that you don't know right away it's a funeral home right yeah until you're in there asking for directions and like oh god you see that you guys see the baby studio down there he's got a fucking film studio he's got a wine cellar he's got a venue upstairs and you know also there's bodies downstairs so it's just like he's whispering about it you know it's like oh yeah don't worry we're having fun in here it It's a foam party tonight. But also, I disemboweled

a guy this morning. He's got his fingers in a lot of pies, and some of those pies are dead human beings. Some of those crevices are not cobblers. Well, they were cobblers. They made shoes and then they died. And he put his fingers in them like a pie.

Like a peach cobbler. Also, shout out to Elise Kearns, had uh two funny things she was doing this weekend she had a she had a bit where she says i love going to the i love wearing rompers because when i go to the bathroom i gotta do my favorite thing piss with my tits out so that was fun fun she got piss and tits a couple words apart from each other yeah hell yeah that's a bomb and then also just throughout the festival at the after party she was going up to people and being like hey can you venmo me 12 i need i need 12 and then by the end of the festival i think she'd accumulated like you know 260 dollars just doing that what yeah just free money yeah just say i need 12 bucks what a bunch of comics just oblige her oh yeah well then no reason you have to uh pay homage to the king's daughter

damn that's a cool that is a cool move shout out to uh elise kearns so yeah great festival all in all um i had a lot of fun and it was just good to see most of those people that's right i'm excited for uh for for me to have a show or two down here so that i can have a very select number of comics uh a small number of comics handpicked by me down here at a time it'll be like mini festivals where we'll get to do all the all the fun stuff of a festival with but without having to ask the the server at the restaurant for a table for 14 yeah that'll separate 14 uh 14 please separate checks we're gonna be real loud and we're gonna say shit like uh I like pissing with my tits out and everybody will hear us. Yeah, I'm pissing in my own ass.

That was the line that Steve A.J. almost made. I threw up when he said it. I'm pissing in my own asshole. Jesus. Yeah, so that was good, man. Also, Lund, I just found out tomorrow's a fucking double header, dude. We got the suite for two games.

No way. way yeah you can get up here at 340 dude whoa yeah i'm gonna bring a double-headed dildo and we're gonna back that ass up that's fine i don't care let's get a purple rocky's dinger danger dinger's dangler damn uh that's cool i know so yeah everyone thank you so much for supporting chubby b this one was more just a recap a catch-up you know not a lot of great bits but we had fun a retrospective what are you talking about we had some great bits pissing with my tits out counts as a bit of ours because it's on our pod you're right yeah we're just doing Alisa's stuff and doing Steve's material. Recap.

Yeah, but yeah, guys and girls, thank you all. Chubby Behemoth on Patreon. Patreon.com slash Chubby Behemoth. Get on there. Give us some money. Or else. Yeah, Venmo is $12. Now.